A CONFEDERATE GIRL'S DIARY

[Illustration: SARAH FOWLER MORGAN]

A CONFEDERATE GIRL'S DIARY

By

SARAH MORGAN DAWSON

WITH AN INTRODUCTION BYWARRINGTON DAWSONAND WITH ILLUSTRATIONS

BOSTON AND NEW YORKHOUGHTON MIFFLIN COMPANYThe Riverside Press Cambridge1913

COPYRIGHT, 1913, BY WARRINGTON DAWSON

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

_Published September 1913_

TO

THOSE WHO ENDURED AND FORGAVE

ILLUSTRATIONS

SARAH FOWLER MORGAN _Frontispiece_

 From a daguerreotype in the possession of the family. 

MIRIAM MORGAN 64

 From a daguerreotype in the possession of the family. 

JAMES MORRIS MORGAN 114

 From a daguerreotype in the possession of the family. 

FACSIMILE OF A PAGE OF THE DIARY 150

SARAH FOWLER 192

 Sully's portrait of Mrs. Morgan. 

LINWOOD 236

 Built by General A. G. Carter in 1848, now the home of his grandson, Howell Morgan. This was a Spanish grant and has always remained in the family. 

THE ANTE-BELLUM HOME OF JUDGE THOMAS GIBBES MORGAN 308

 On Church Street, Baton Rouge, La. , now the property of St. Joseph Academy, and used as an annex. 

JUDGE THOMAS GIBBES MORGAN 346

INTRODUCTION

It is perhaps due to a chance conversation, held some seventeen yearsago in New York, that this Diary of the Civil War was saved fromdestruction. 

A Philadelphian had been talking with my mother of North and South, andhad alluded to the engagement between the Essex and the Arkansas, onthe Mississippi, as a brilliant victory for the Federal navy. My motherprotested, at once; said that she and her sister Miriam, and severalfriends, had been witnesses, from the levee, to the fact that theConfederates had fired and abandoned their own ship when the machinerybroke down, after two shots had been exchanged: the Federals, cautiously turning the point, had then captured but a smoking hulk. ThePhiladelphian gravely corrected her; history, it appeared, hadconsecrated, on the strength of an official report, the version moreagreeable to Northern pride. 

"But I wrote a description of the whole, just a few hours after itoccurred!" my mother insisted. "Early in the war I began to keep adiary, and continued until the very end; I had to find some vent for myfeelings, and I would not make an exhibition of myself by talking, asso many women did. I have written while resting to recover breath inthe midst of a stampede; I have even written with shells bursting overthe house in which I sat, ready to flee but waiting for my mother andsisters to finish their preparations. "

"If that record still existed, it would be invaluable, " said thePhiladelphian. "We Northerners are sincerely anxious to know whatSouthern women did and thought at that time, but the difficulty is tofind authentic contemporaneous evidence. All that I, for one, haveseen, has been marred by improvement in the light of subsequentevents. "

"You may read my evidence as it was written from March 1862 until April1865, " my mother declared impulsively. 

At our home in Charleston, on her return, she unstitched with tremblinghands a linen-bound parcel always kept in her tall, cedar-linedwardrobe of curled walnut. On it was scratched in ink "To be burnedunread after my death"; it contained, she had once told me, a record ofno interest save to her who had written it and lacked the courage tore-read it; a narrative of days she had lived, of joys she had lost; ofgriefs accepted, of vain hopes cherished. 

From the linen, as the stitches were cut, fell five blank books ofdifferent sizes. Two, of convenient dimensions, might have beenintended for diaries; the other three, somewhat unwieldy, were partlyused ledgers from Judge P. H. Morgan's office. They were closelywritten in a clear, firm hand; the ink, of poor quality, had faded inmany places to a pale brown scarcely darker than the deep yellow towhich time had burned the paper. The effort to read under suchconditions, and the tears shed over the scenes evoked, might well havecost my mother her sight; but she toiled for many weeks, copying outthe essential portions of the voluminous record for the benefit of theNortherner who really wished to know. 

Her transcription finished, she sent it to Philadelphia. It was in duecourse returned, with cold regrets that the temptation to rearrange ithad not been resisted. No Southerner at that time could possibly havehad opinions so just or foresight so clear as those here attributed toa young girl. Explanation was not asked, nor justification allowed: thecase, tried by one party alone, with evidence seen from one standpointalone, had been judged without appeal. 

Keenly wounded and profoundly discouraged, my mother returned thediaries to their linen envelope, and never saw them again. But mycuriosity had been roused by these incidents; in the night, thoughts ofthe records would haunt me, bringing ever the ante-bellum scent of thecedar-lined wardrobe. I pleaded for the preservation of the volumes, and succeeded at last when, beneath the injunction that they should beburned, my mother wrote a deed of gift to me with permission to makesuch use of them as I might think fitting. 

Reading those pages for myself, of late, as I transcribed them in myturn, I confess to having blamed the Philadelphian but lightly for hisskepticism. 

Here was a girl who, by her own admission, had known but ten months'schooling in her life, and had educated herself at home because of heryearning for knowledge; and yet she wrote in a style so pure, with acommand of English so thorough, that rare are the pages where she hadto stop for the alteration of so much as one word. The very haste ofnoting what had just occurred, before more should come, had disturbedthe pure line of very few among these flowing sentences. There arecertain uses of words to which the twentieth century purist will takeexception; but if he is familiar with Victorian literature he will knowthat these points have been solved within the last few decades--and notall solved to the satisfaction of everyone, even now. 

But underlying this remarkable feat of style, are a fairness oftreatment and a balance of judgment incredible at such a period and inan author so young. On such a day, we may note an entry denouncing theFederals before their arrival at Baton Rouge; another page, and we seethat the Federal officers are courteous and considerate, we hearregrets that denunciations should have been dictated by prejudice. DoesFarragut bombard a town occupied by women and children, or does Butlerthreaten to arm negroes against them? Be sure, then, that this Southerngirl will not spare adjectives to condemn them! But do Southern womenexaggerate in applying to all Federals the opprobrium deserved by some?Then those women will be criticized for forgetting the reserve imposedupon ladies. This girl knew then what history has since established, and what enlightened men and women on both sides of Mason and Dixon'sline have since acknowledged: that in addition to the gentlemen in theFederal ranks who always behaved as gentlemen should, there wereothers, both officers and privates, who had donned the Federal uniformbecause of the opportunity for rapine which offered, and who were asunworthy of the Stars and Stripes as they would have been of the Starsand Bars. 

I can understand, therefore, that this record should meet withskepticism at the hands of theorists committed to an opinion, or ofskimmers who read guessing the end of a sentence before they reach themiddle. But the originals exist to-day, and have been seen by othersthan myself; and I pledge myself here to the assertion that I havetaken no liberties, have made no alterations, but have strictly adheredto my task of transcription, merely omitting here and there passageswhich deal with matters too personal to merit the interest of thepublic. 

Those who read seriously, and with unbiased mind, will need no externalguarantees of authenticity, however; for the style is of thatspontaneous quality which no imitation could attain, and whichattempted improvement could only mar. The very construction of thewhole--for it does appear as a whole--is influenced by thecircumstances which made the life of that tragic period. 

The author begins with an airy appeal to Madame Idleness--in order toforget. Then, the war seemed a sacred duty, an heroic endeavor, aninevitable trial, according as Southerners chose to take it; but theprevailing opinion was that the solution would come in victory forSouthern arms, whether by their own unaided might or with the supportof English intervention. The seat of war was far removed, and but forthe absence of dear ones at the front and anxiety about them, Southernwomen would have been little disturbed in their routine of householdduties. But presently the roar of cannon draws near, actual danger isexperienced in some cases, suffering and privation must be accepted inall. Thenceforth, the women are part of the war; there may beinterludes of plantation life momentarily secure from bullets and fromoppression, yet the cloud is felt hanging ever lower and blacker. Gradually, the writer's gay spirit fails; an injury to her spine, forwhich adequate medical care cannot be found in the Confederacy, and thecondition of her mother, all but starving at Clinton, drive theseSouthern women to the protection of a Union relative in New Orleans. The hated Eagle Oath must be taken, the beloved Confederacy must berenounced at least in words. Entries in the Diary become briefer andbriefer, yet are sustained unto the bitter end, when the deaths of twobrothers, and the crash of the Lost Cause, are told with the tragicreserve of a broken heart. 

 * * * * *

I have alluded to passages omitted because too personal. That theclearness of the narrative may not suffer, I hope to be pardoned forexplaining briefly, here, the position of Sarah Morgan's family at theoutbreak of the Civil War. 

Her father, Judge Thomas Gibbes Morgan, had been Collector of the Portof New Orleans, and in 1861 was Judge of the District Court of theParish of Baton Rouge. In complete sympathy with Southern rights, hedisapproved of Secession as a movement fomented by hotheads on bothsides, but he declared for it when his State so decided. He died at hishome in Baton Rouge in November, 1861, before the arrival of Farragut'sfleet. 

Judge Thomas Gibbes Morgan's eldest son, Philip Hickey Morgan, was alsoa Judge, of the Second District Court of the Parish of Orleans. JudgeP. H. Morgan (alluded to as "Brother" and his wife as "Sister"throughout the Diary) disapproved of Secession like his father, but didnot stand by his State. He declared himself for the Union, and remainedin New Orleans when the Federals took possession, but refused to beararms against his brothers and friends. His position enabled him torender signal services to many Confederate prisoners suffering underButler's rule. And it was a conversation of his with President Hayes, when he told the full, unprejudiced truth about the Dual Government andthe popular sentiment of Louisiana, which put an end to Reconstructionthere by the Washington Government's recognition of General Francis T. Nicholls, elected Governor by the people, instead of Packard, declaredGovernor by the Republican Returning Board of the State. Judge P. H. Morgan had proved his disinterestedness in his report to the President;for the new Democratic régime meant his own resignation from the postof Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of Louisiana which he heldunder the Republicans. He applied then to himself a piece of advicewhich he later was to give a young relative mentioned in the pages ofthis Diary: "Always remember that it is best to be in accord with thesentiments of the vast majority of the people in your State. They aremore apt to be right, on public questions of the day, than theindividual citizen. "

If Judge Thomas Gibbes Morgan's eldest son stayed within the Unionlines because he would not sanction Secession, his eldestdaughter--Lavinia--was on the Federal side also, married to ColonelRichard Coulter Drum, then stationed in California, and destined tobecome, in days of peace, Adjutant-General under President Cleveland'sfirst administration. Though spared the necessity of fighting againsthis wife's brothers, Colonel Drum was largely instrumental in checkingthe Secession movement in California which would probably have assuredthe success of the South. 

In the early days of Secession agitation, another son of Judge T. G. Morgan, Henry, had died in a duel over a futile quarrel whichbusybodies had envenomed. The three remaining sons had gone off to thewar. Thomas Gibbes Morgan, Jr. , married to Lydia, daughter of GeneralA. G. Carter and a cousin of Mrs. Jefferson Davis, was Captain in theSeventh Louisiana Regiment, serving under Stonewall Jackson; GeorgeMather Morgan, unmarried, was a Captain in the First Louisiana, alsowith Jackson in Virginia. The youngest, James Morris Morgan, hadresigned from Annapolis, where he was a cadet, and hurried back toenlist in the Confederate navy. 

At the family home in Baton Rouge, only women and children remained. There was Judge Morgan's widow, Sarah Fowler Morgan; a marrieddaughter, Eliza or "Lilly, " with her five children; and two unmarrieddaughters, Miriam and Sarah. "Lilly's" husband, J. Charles La Noue, came and went; unable to abandon his large family without protector orresources, he had not joined the regular army, but took a part inbattles near whatever place of refuge he had found for those dependenton him. We note, for instance, that he helped in the Confederate attackon Baton Rouge, together with General Carter, whose age had preventedhim from taking regular service. 

A word more as to the author of this Diary, and I have finished. 

The war over, Sarah Morgan knitted together the threads of her tornlife and faced her present, in preparation for whatever the futuremight hold. In South Carolina, under Reconstruction, she met a youngEnglishman, Captain Francis Warrington Dawson, who had left his home inLondon to fight for a cause where his chivalrous nature saw rightthreatened by might. In the Confederate navy under Commodore Pegram, inthe Army of Northern Virginia under Longstreet, at the close of the warhe was Chief Ordnance officer to General Fitzhugh Lee. But although theforce of arms, of men, of money, of mechanical resources, ofinternational support, had decided against the Confederacy, he refusedto acknowledge permanent defeat for Southern ideals, and so cast hislot with those beside whom he had fought. His ambition was to help hisadopted country in reconquering through journalism and sound politicsthat which seemed lost through war. What he accomplished in SouthCarolina is a matter of public record to-day. The part played in thiswork by Sarah Morgan as his wife is known to all who approached themduring their fifteen years of a married life across which no shadowever fell. 

Sarah Morgan Dawson was destined to outlive not only her husband, butall save three of her eight brothers and sisters, and most of therelatives and friends mentioned in the pages which follow; was destinedto endure deep affliction once more, and to renounce a second homedearer than that first whose wreck she recorded during the war. Yetnever did her faith, her courage, her steadfastness fail her, never didthe light of an almost childlike trust in God and in mankind fade fromher clear blue eyes. The Sarah Morgan who, as a girl, could stifle hersobs as she forced herself to laugh or to sing, was the mother I knewin later years. 

I love most to remember her in the broad tree-shaded avenues ofVersailles where, dreaming of a distant tragic past, she found ever newstrength to meet the present. Death claimed her not far from there, inParis, at a moment when her daughter in America, her son in Africa, were powerless to reach her. But souls like unto hers leave their markin passing through the world; and, though in a foreign land, separatedfrom all who had been dear to her, she received from two friends suchdevotion as few women deserve in life, and such as few other women arecapable of giving. 

She had done more than live and love:--she had endured while endurancewas demanded; and, released from the house of bondage, she had, withouttrace of bitterness in her heart, forgiven those who had caused hermartyrdom. 

WARRINGTON DAWSON. 

VERSAILLES, FRANCE, July, 1913. 

A CONFEDERATE GIRL'S DIARY

BOOK I

 BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA, March 9th, 1862. 

Here I am, at your service, Madame Idleness, waiting for any suggestionit may please you to put in my weary brain, as a means to pass thisdull, cloudy Sunday afternoon; for the great Pike clock over the wayhas this instant struck only half-past three; and if a rain is added tothe high wind that has been blowing ever since the month commenced, andprevents my going to Mrs. Brunot's before dark, I fear I shall fall avictim to "the blues" for the first time in my life. Indeed it is dull. Miriam went to Linwood with Lydia yesterday, and I miss them beyond allexpression. Miriam is _so_ funny! She says she cannot live without me, and yet she can go away, and stay for months without missing me in theslightest degree. Extremely funny! And I--well, it is absurd to fancymyself alive without Miriam. She would rather not visit with me, andyet, be it for an hour or a month, I never halfway enjoy myself withouther, away from home. Miriam is my "Rock ahead" in life; I'll founder onher yet. It's a grand sight for people out of reach, who will not comein contact with the breakers, but it is quite another thing to me, perpetually dancing on those sharp points in my little cockleshell thatforms so ludicrous a contrast to the grand scene around. I am sure tofounder!

I hold that every family has at heart one genius, in some line, nomatter what--except in our family, where each is a genius, in his ownway. Hem! And Miriam has a genius for the piano. Now I never could bearto compete with any one, knowing that it is the law of my being to beinferior to others, consequently to fail, and failure is so humiliatingto me. So it is, that people may force me to abandon any pursuit bycompeting with me; for knowing that failure is inevitable, rather thanfight against destiny I give up _de bonne grâce_. Originally, I wassaid to have a talent for the piano, as well as Miriam. Sister and MissIsabella said I would make a better musician than she, having morepatience and perseverance. However, I took hardly six months' lessonsto her ever so many years; heard how well she played, got disgustedwith myself, and gave up the piano at fourteen, with spasmodic fits ofplaying every year or so. At sixteen, Harry gave me a guitar. Here wasa new field where I would have no competitors. I knew no one who playedon it; so I set to work, and taught myself to manage it, mother onlyteaching me how to tune it. But Miriam took a fancy to it, and I taughther all I knew; but as she gained, I lost my relish, and if she had notsoon abandoned it, I would know nothing of it now. She does not knowhalf that I do about it; they tell me I play much better than she; yetthey let her play on it in company before me, and I cannot pretend toplay after. Why is it? It is _not_ vanity, or I would play, confidentof excelling her. It is not jealousy, for I love to see her show hertalents. It is not selfishness; I love her too much to be selfish toher. What is it then? "Simply lack of self-esteem" I would say ifthere was no phrenologist near to correct me, and point out thatwell-developed hump at the extreme southern and heavenward portion ofmy Morgan head. Self-esteem or not, Mr. Phrenologist, the result is, that Miriam is by far the best performer in Baton Rouge, and I wouldrank forty-third even in the delectable village of Jackson. 

And yet I must have some ear for music. To "know as many songs asSarah" is a family proverb; not very difficult songs, or very beautifulones, to be sure, besides being very indifferently sung; but the tunes_will_ run in my head, and it must take _some_ ear to catch them. People say to me, "Of course you play?" to which I invariably respond, "Oh, no, but Miriam plays beautifully!" "You sing, I believe?" "Notat all--except for father" (that is what I used to say)--"and thechildren. But _Miriam_ sings. " "You are fond of dancing?" "Very; but Icannot dance as well as Miriam. " "Of course, you are fond of society?""No, indeed! Miriam is, and she goes to all the parties and returnsall the visits for me. " The consequence is, that if the person whoquestions is a stranger, he goes off satisfied that "that Miriam mustbe a great girl; but that little sister of hers--! Well! a _prig_, tosay the least!"

So it is Miriam catches all my fish--and so it is, too, that it is notraining, and I'm off. 

 April 7th. 

Until that dreary 1861, I had no idea of sorrow or grief.... How I loveto think of myself at that time! Not as _myself_, but as some happy, careless child who danced through life, loving God's whole world toomuch to love any particular one, outside of her own family. She wasmore childish then--yet I like her for all her folly; I can say it now, for she is as dead as though she was lying underground. 

Now do not imagine that Sarah has become an aged lady in the fifteenmonths that have elapsed since, for it is no such thing; her heart doesache occasionally, but that is a secret between her and this littlerosewood furnished room; and when she gets over it, there is no onemore fond of making wheelbarrows of the children, or of catchingCharlie or mother by the foot and making them play lame chicken.... Nowall this done by a young lady who remembers eighteen months ago with somuch regret that she has lost so much of her high spirits--might arguethat her spirits were before tremendous; and yet they were not. Thatother Sarah was ladylike, I am sure, in her wildest moments, but thereis something hurried and boisterous in this one's tricks that remindsme of some one who is making a merit of being jolly under depressingcircumstances. No! that is not a nice Sarah now, to _my_ taste. 

The commencement of '61 promised much pleasure for the rest of theyear, and though Secession was talked about, I do not believe any oneanticipated the war that has been desolating our country ever since, with no prospect of terminating for some time to come. True thegarrison was taken, but then several pleasant officers of the Louisianaarmy were stationed there, and made quite an agreeable addition to oursmall parties, and we did not think for a moment that trouble wouldgrow out of it--at least, we girls did not. Next Louisiana seceded, butstill we did not trouble ourselves with gloomy anticipations, for manystrangers visited the town, and our parties, rides, and walks grewgayer and more frequent. 

One little party--shall I ever forget it?--was on the 9th of March, Ithink; such an odd, funny little party! Such queer things happened!What a fool Mr. McG---- made of himself! Even more so than usual. Buthush! It's not fair to laugh at a lady--under peculiar circumstances. And he tried so hard to make himself agreeable, poor fellow, that Iought to like him for being so obedient to my commands. "Say somethingnew; something funny, " I said, tired of a subject on which he had beenexpatiating all the evening; for I had taken a long ride with himbefore sunset, he had escorted me to Mrs. Brunot's, and here he wasstill at my side, and his conversation did not interest me. To hear, with him, was to obey. "Something funny? Well--" here he commencedtelling something about somebody, the fun of which seemed to consist inthe somebody's having "knocked his _shins_" against something else. Ionly listened to the latter part; I was bored, and showed it. "Shins!"was I to laugh at such a story?

 April 12th. 

Day before yesterday, just about this time of evening, as I came homefrom the graveyard, Jimmy unexpectedly came in. Ever since the 12th ofFebruary he has been waiting on the Yankees' pleasure, in theMississippi, at all places below Columbus, and having been under firefor thirteen days at Tiptonville, Island No. 10 having surrenderedMonday night; and Commodore Hollins thinking it high time to takepossession of the ironclad ram at New Orleans, and give them a smallparty below the forts, he carried off his little aide from the McRaeTuesday morning, and left him here Thursday evening, to our infinitedelight, for we felt as though we would never again see our dear littleJimmy. He has grown so tall, and stout, that it is really astonishing, considering the short time he has been away.... To our great distress, he jumped up from dinner, and declared he must go to the city on thevery next boat. Commodore Hollins would need him, he must be at hispost, etc. , and in twenty minutes he was off, the rascal, before wecould believe he had been here at all. There is something in his eyethat reminds me of Harry, and tells me that, like Hal, he will dieyoung. 

And these days that are going by remind me of Hal, too. I am walking inour footsteps of last year. The eighth was the day we gave him a party, on his return home. I see him so distinctly standing near the piertable, talking to Mr. Sparks, whom he had met only that morning, andwho, three weeks after, had Harry's blood upon his hands. He is amurderer now, without aim or object in life, as before; with only onedesire--to die--and death still flees from him, and he Dares not ridhimself of life. 

All those dancing there that night have undergone trial and afflictionsince. Father is dead, and Harry. Mr. Trezevant lies at Corinth withhis skull fractured by a bullet; every young man there has been in atleast one battle since, and every woman has cried over her son, brother, or sweetheart, going away to the wars, or lying sick andwounded. And yet we danced that night, and never thought of bloodshed!The week before Louisiana seceded, Jack Wheat stayed with us, and weall liked him so much, and he thought so much of us;--and last week--aweek ago to-day--he was killed on the battle-field of Shiloh. 

 April 16th. 

Among the many who visited us, in the beginning of 1861, there was Mr. Bradford. I took a dislike to him the first time I ever saw him, and, being accustomed to say just what I pleased to all the other gentlemen, tried it with him. It was at dinner, and for a long while I had theadvantage, and though father would sometimes look grave, Gibbes, andall at my end of the table, would scream with laughter. At last Mr. Bradford commenced to retaliate, and my dislike changed into respectfor a man who could make an excellent repartee with perfectgood-breeding; and after dinner, when the others took their leave, andhe asked permission to remain, --during his visit, which lasted untilten o'clock, he had gone over such a variety of subjects, conversing sowell upon all, that Miriam and I were so interested that we forgot tohave the gas lit!

 April 17th. 

And another was silly little Mr. B----r, my little golden calf. Whata--don't call names! I owe him a grudge for "cold hands, " and the otherday, when I heard of his being wounded at Shiloh, I could not helplaughing a little at Tom B----r's being hurt. What was the use ofthrowing a nice, big cannon ball, that might have knocked a man down, away on that poor little fellow, when a pea from a popgun would havemade the same impression? Not but what he is brave, but little Mr. B----r is so soft. 

Then there was that rattle-brain Mr. T----t who, commencing onesubject, never ceased speaking until he had touched on all. One eveninghe came in talking, and never paused even for a reply until he bowedhimself out, talking still, when Mr. Bradford, who had been forced tosilence as well as the rest, threw himself back with a sigh of reliefand exclaimed, "This man talks like a woman!" I thought it the bestdescription of Mr. T----t's conversation I had ever heard. It was allon the surface, no pretensions to anything except to put the greatestpossible number of words of no meaning in one sentence, while speakingof the most trivial thing. Night or day, Mr. T----t never passed homewithout crying out to me, "_Ces jolis yeux bleus!_" and if the parlorwere brightly lighted so that all from the street might see us, and beinvisible to us themselves, I always nodded my head to the outerdarkness and laughed, no matter who was present, though it sometimescreated remark. You see, I knew the joke. Coming from a party escortedby Mr. B----r, Miriam by Mr. T----t, [1] we had to wait a long timebefore Rose opened the door, which interval I employed in dancing upand down the gallery--followed by my cavalier--singing, --

 "Mes jolis yeux bleus, Bleus comme les cieux, Mes jolis yeux bleus Ont ravi son âme, " etc. ;

which naïve remark Mr. B----r, not speaking French, lost entirely, andMr. T----t endorsed it with his approbation and belief in it, and everafterwards called me "_Ces jolis yeux bleus_. "

 [1] Note added at the time: "O propriety! Gibbes and Lydia were with us too. "

 April 19th, 1862. 

Another date in Hal's short history! I see myself walking home with Mr. McG---- just after sundown, meeting Miriam and Dr. Woods at the gate;only that was a Friday instead of a Saturday, as this. From the otherside, Mr. Sparks comes up and joins us. We stand talking in the brightmoonlight which makes Miriam look white and statue-like. I am holdingroses in my hand, in return for which one little pansy has been beggedfrom my garden, and is now figuring as a shirt-stud. I turn to speak tothat man of whom I said to Dr. Woods, before I even knew his name, "Whois this man who passes here so constantly? I feel that I shall hate himto my dying day. " He told me his name was Sparks, a good, harmlessfellow, etc. And afterwards, when I did know him, [Dr. Woods] would askevery time we met, "Well! do you hate Sparks yet?" I could not reallyhate any one in my heart, so I always answered, "He is a good-naturedfool, but I will hate him yet. " But even now I cannot: my only feelingis intense pity for the man who has dealt us so severe a blow; who mademy dear father bow his gray head, and shed such bitter tears. 

The moon is rising still higher now, and people are hurrying to thegrand Meeting, where the state of the country is to be discussed, andthe three young men bow and hurry off, too. Later, at eleven o'clock, Miriam and I are up at Lydia's waiting (until the boat comes) with MissComstock who is going away. As usual, I am teasing and romping byturns. Harry suddenly stands in the parlor door, looking very grave, and very quiet. He is holding father's stick in his hand, and says hehas come to take us over home. I was laughing still, so I said, "Wait, "while I prepared for some last piece of folly, but he smiled for thefirst time, and throwing his arm around me, said, "Come home, yourogue!" and laughing still, I followed him. 

He left us in the hall, saying he must go to Charlie's a moment, but toleave the door open for him. So we went up, and I ran in his room, andlighted his gas for him, as I did every night when we went up together. In a little while I heard him come in and go to his room. I knewnothing then; but next day, going into mother's room, I saw himstanding before the glass door of her armoir, looking at a black coathe had on. Involuntarily I cried out, "Oh, don't, Hal!" "Don't what?Isn't it a nice coat?" he asked. "Yes; but it is buttoned up to thethroat, and I don't like to see it. It looks--" here I went out asabruptly as I came in; that black coat so tightly buttoned troubled me. 

He came to our room after a while and said he was going ten miles outin the country for a few days. I begged him to stay, and reproached himfor going away so soon after he had come home. But he said he must, adding, "Perhaps I am tired of you, and want to see something new. I'llbe so glad to get back in a few days. " Father said yes, he must go, sohe went without any further explanation. 

Walking out to Mr. Davidson's that evening, Lydia and I sat down on afallen rail beyond the Catholic graveyard, and there she told me whathad happened. The night before, sitting on Dr. Woods's gallery, withsix or eight others who had been singing, Hal called on Mr. Hendersonto sing. He complied by singing one that was not nice. [2] Old Mr. Sparks got up to leave, and Hal said, "I hope we are not disturbingyou?" No, he said he was tired and would go home. As soon as he wasgone, his son, who I have since _heard_ was under the influence ofopium, --though Hal always maintained that he was not, --said it was ashame to disturb his poor old father. Hal answered, "You heard what hesaid. We did _not_ disturb him. " "You are a liar!" the other cried. That is a name that none of our family has either merited or bornewith; and quick as thought Hal sprang to his feet and struck him acrossthe face with the walking-stick he held. The blow sent the lower partacross the balcony in the street, as the spring was loosened by it, while the upper part, to which was fastened the sword--for it wasfather's sword-cane--remained in his hand. I doubt that he ever beforeknew the cane could come apart. Certainly he did not perceive it, untilthe other whined piteously he was taking advantage over an unarmed man;when, cursing him, he (Harry) threw it after the body of the cane, andsaid, "_Now_ we are equal. " The other's answer was to draw a knife, [3]and was about to plunge it into Harry, who disdained to flinch, whenMr. Henderson threw himself on Mr. Sparks and dragged him off. 

 [2] Note by Mrs. Dawson in 1896: "Annie Laurie!"

 [3] Note by Mrs. Dawson: Bowie knife. 

It was a little while after that Harry came for us. The consequence ofthis was a challenge from Mr. Sparks in the morning, which was acceptedby Harry's friends, who appointed Monday, at Greenwell, to meet. Lydiadid not tell me that; she said she thought it had been settledpeaceably, so I was not uneasy, and only wanted Harry to come back fromSeth David's soon. The possibility of his fighting never occurred tome. 

Sunday evening I was on the front steps with Miriam and Dr. Woods, talking of Harry and wishing he would come. "You want Harry!" thedoctor repeated after me; "you had better learn to live without him. ""What an absurdity!" I said and wondered when he would come. Stilllater, Miriam, father, and I were in the parlor, when there was a tapon the window, just above his head, and I saw a hand, for an instant. Father hurried out, and we heard several voices; and then steps goingaway. Mother came down and asked who had been there, but we only knewthat, whoever it was, father had afterward gone with them. Mother wenton: "There is something going on, which is to be kept from me. Everyone seems to know it, and to make a secret of it. " I said nothing, forI had promised Lydia not to tell; and even I did not know all. 

When father came back, Harry was with him. I saw by his nod, and "Howare you, girls, " how he wished us to take it, so neither moved from ourchairs, while he sat down on the sofa and asked what kind of a sermonwe had had. And we talked of anything except what we were thinking of, until we went upstairs. 

Hal afterwards told me that he had been arrested up there, and fatherwent with him to give bail; and that the sheriff had gone out toGreenwell after Mr. Sparks. He told me all about it next morning, saying he was glad it was all over, but sorry for Mr. Sparks; for hehad a blow on his face which nothing would wash out. I said, "Hal, ifyou _had_ fought, much as I love you, I would rather he had killed youthan that you should have killed him. I love you too much to be willingto see blood on your hands. " First he laughed at me, then said, "If Ihad killed him, I never would have seen you again. "

We thought it was all over; so did he. But Baton Rouge was wild aboutit. Mr. Sparks was the bully of the town, having nothing else to do, and whenever he got angry or drunk, would knock down anybody he chose. That same night, before Harry met him, he had slapped one man, and haddragged another over the room by the hair; but these coolly went home, and waited for a _voluntary apology_. So the mothers, sisters, andintimate friends of those who had patiently borne the blows, and being"woolled, " vaunted the example of their heroes, and asked why Dr. Morgan had not acted as _they_ had done, and waited for an apology?Then there was another faction who cried only blood could wash out thatblow and make a gentleman of Mr. Sparks again, --as though he ever _had_been one! So knots assembled at street corners, and discussed it, untilfather said to us that Monday night, "These people are so excited, andare trying so hard to make this affair worse, that I would not besurprised if they shot each other down in the street, " speaking ofHarry and the other. 

Hal seemed to think of it no more, though, and Wednesday said he mustgo to the city and consult Brother as to where he should permanentlyestablish himself. I was sorry; yet glad that he would then get awayfrom all this trouble. I don't know that I ever saw him in higherspirits than he was that day and evening, the 24th. Lilly and Charliewere here until late, and he laughed and talked so incessantly that wecalled him crazy. We might have guessed by his extravagant spirits thathe was trying to conceal something from us.... 

He went away before daybreak, and I never saw him again. 

 April 26th, 1862. 

There is no word in the English language that can express the statein which we are, and have been, these last three days. Day beforeyesterday, news came early in the morning of three of the enemy's boatspassing the Forts, and then the excitement began. It increased rapidlyon hearing of the sinking of eight of our gunboats in the engagement, the capture of the Forts, and last night, of the burning of the wharvesand cotton in the city while the Yankees were taking possession. To-day, the excitement has reached the point of delirium. I believe Iam one of the most self-possessed in my small circle; and yet I feelsuch a craving for news of Miriam, and mother, and Jimmy, who are inthe city, that I suppose I am as wild as the rest. It is nonsense totell me I am cool, with all these patriotic and enthusiastic sentiments. Nothing can be positively ascertained, save that our gunboats are sunk, and theirs are coming up to the city. Everything else has beencontradicted until we really do not know whether the city has beentaken or not. We only know we had best be prepared for anything. So daybefore yesterday, Lilly and I sewed up our jewelry, which may be of useif we have to fly. I vow I will not move one step, unless carried away. Come what will, here I remain. 

We went this morning to see the cotton burning--a sight never beforewitnessed, and probably never again to be seen. Wagons, drays, --everythingthat can be driven or rolled, --were loaded with the bales and taken afew squares back to burn on the commons. Negroes were running around, cutting them open, piling them up, and setting them afire. All were asbusy as though their salvation depended on disappointing the Yankees. Later, Charlie sent for us to come to the river and see him fire aflatboat loaded with the precious material for which the Yankees arerisking their bodies and souls. Up and down the levee, as far as wecould see, negroes were rolling it down to the brink of the river wherethey would set them afire and push the bales in to float burning downthe tide. Each sent up its wreath of smoke and looked like a tinysteamer puffing away. Only I doubt that from the source to the mouth ofthe river there are as many boats afloat on the Mississippi. Theflatboat was piled with as many bales as it could hold without sinking. Most of them were cut open, while negroes staved in the heads ofbarrels of alcohol, whiskey, etc. , and dashed bucketsful over thecotton. Others built up little chimneys of pine every few feet, linedwith pine knots and loose cotton, to burn more quickly. There, piledthe length of the whole levee, or burning in the river, lay the work ofthousands of negroes for more than a year past. It had come from everyside. Men stood by who owned the cotton that was burning or waiting toburn. They either helped, or looked on cheerfully. Charlie owned butsixteen bales--a matter of some fifteen hundred dollars; but he was thehead man of the whole affair, and burned his own, as well as theproperty of others. A single barrel of whiskey that was thrown on thecotton, cost the man who gave it one hundred and twenty-five dollars. (It shows what a nation in earnest is capable of doing. ) Only two mengot on the flatboat with Charlie when it was ready. It was towed to themiddle of the river, set afire in every place, and then they jumpedinto a little skiff fastened in front, and rowed to land. The cottonfloated down the Mississippi one sheet of living flame, even in thesunlight. It would have been grand at night. But then we will have funwatching it this evening anyway; for they cannot get through to-day, though no time is to be lost. Hundreds of bales remained untouched. Anincredible amount of property has been destroyed to-day; but no onebegrudges it. Every grog-shop has been emptied, and gutters andpavements are floating with liquors of all kinds. So that if theYankees are fond of strong drink, they will fare ill. 

Yesterday, Mr. Hutchinson and a Dr. Moffat called to ask for me, with amessage about Jimmy. I was absent, but they saw Lilly. Jimmy, theysaid, was safe. Though sick in bed, he had sprung up and had rushed tothe wharf at the first tap of the alarm bell in New Orleans. But asnothing could be done, he would probably be with us to-day, bringingmother and Miriam. I have neither heard nor seen more. The McRae, theysaid, went to the bottom with the others. They did not know whether anyone aboard had escaped. God be praised that Jimmy was not on her then!The new boat to which he was appointed is not yet finished. So he issaved! I am distressed about Captain Huger, and could not refrain fromcrying, he was so good to Jimmy. But I remembered Miss Cammack mightthink it rather tender and obtrusive, so I dried my eyes and began tohope he had escaped. Oh! how glad I should be to know he has sufferedno harm. Mr. Hutchinson was on his way above, going to join otherswhere the final battle is to be fought on the Mississippi. He had noteven time to sit down; so I was doubly grateful to him for hiskindness. I wish I could have thanked him for being so considerate ofme in my distress now. In her agitation, Lilly gave him a letter I hadbeen writing to George when I was called away; and begged him toaddress it and mail it at Vicksburg, or somewhere; for no mail willleave here for Norfolk for a long while to come. The odd part is, thathe does not know George. But he said he would gladly take charge of itand remember the address, which Lilly told him was Richmond. Well! ifthe Yankees get it they will take it for an insane scrawl. I wanted tocalm his anxiety about us, though I was so wildly excited that I couldonly say, "Don't mind us! We are safe. But fight, George! Fight forus!" The repetition was ludicrous. I meant so much, too! I only wantedhim to understand he could best defend us there. Ah! Mr. Yankee! if youhad but your brothers in this world, and their lives hanging by athread, you too might write wild letters! And if you want to know whatan excited girl can do, just call and let me show you the use of asmall seven-shooter and a large carving-knife which vibrate between mybelt and my pocket, always ready for emergencies. 

 April 27th. 

What a day! Last night came a dispatch that New Orleans was underBritish protection, and could not be bombarded; consequently, theenemy's gunboats would probably be here this morning, such few as hadsucceeded in passing the Forts; from nine to fifteen, it was said. Andthe Forts, they said, had _not_ surrendered. I went to church; but Igrew very anxious before it was over, feeling that I was needed athome. When I returned, I found Lilly wild with excitement, picking uphastily whatever came to hand, preparing for instant flight, she knewnot where. The Yankees were in sight; the town was to be burned; wewere to run to the woods, etc. If the house had to be burned, I had tomake up my mind to run, too. So my treasure-bag tied around my waist asa bustle, a sack with a few necessary articles hanging on my arm, somefew quite unnecessary ones, too, as I had not the heart to leave theold and new prayer books father had given me, and Miriam's, too;--pistoland carving-knife ready, I stood awaiting the exodus. I heaped on thebed the treasures I wanted to burn, matches lying ready to fire thewhole at the last minute. I may here say that, when all was over, Ifound I had omitted many things from the holocaust. This very diary wasnot included. It would have afforded vast amusement to the Yankees. There may yet be occasion to burn them, and the house also. Peoplefortunately changed their minds about the _auto-da-fé_ just then; andthe Yankees have not yet arrived, at sundown. So, when the excitementcalmed down, poor Lilly tumbled in bed in a high fever in consequenceof terror and exertion. 

 [A page torn out]

I was right in that prophecy. For this was not the Will Pinckney I sawlast. So woebegone! so subdued, careworn, and sad! No trace of his oncemerry self. He is good-looking, which he never was before. But I wouldrather never have seen him than have found him so changed. I wastalking to a ghost. His was a sad story. He had held one bank of theriver until forced to retreat with his men, as their cartridges wereexhausted, and General Lovell omitted sending more. They had to passthrough swamps, wading seven and a half miles, up to their waists inwater. He gained the edge of the swamp, saw they were over the worst, and fell senseless. Two of his men brought him milk, and "woke him up, "he said. His men fell from exhaustion, were lost, and died in theswamp; so that out of five hundred, but one hundred escaped. This hetold quietly and sadly, looking so heart-broken that it was piteous tosee such pain. He showed me his feet, with thick clumsy shoes which anold negro had pulled off to give him; for his were lost in the swamp, and he came out bare-footed. They reached the Lafourche River, Ibelieve, seized a boat, and arrived here last night. His wife and childwere aboard. Heaven knows how they got there! The men he sent on toPort Hudson, while he stopped here. I wanted to bring his wife to staywith us; but he said she could not bear to be seen, as she had run offjust as she had happened to be at that moment. In half an hour he wouldbe off to take her to his old home in a carriage. There he would rejoinhis men, on the railroad, and march from Clinton to the Jackson road, and so on to Corinth. A long journey for men so disheartened! But theywill conquer in the end. Beauregard's army will increase rapidly atthis rate. The whole country is aroused, and every man who owns a gun, and many who do not, are on the road to Corinth. We will conquer yet. 

 May 5th. 

Vile old Yankee boats, four in number, passed up this morning withoutstopping. After all our excitement, this "silent contempt" annihilatedme! What in the world do they mean? The river was covered with burningcotton; perhaps they want to see where it came from. 

 May 9th. 

Our lawful (?) owners have at last arrived. About sunset, day beforeyesterday, the Iroquois anchored here, and a graceful young Federalstepped ashore, carrying a Yankee flag over his shoulder, and asked theway to the Mayor's office. I like the style! If we girls of Baton Rougehad been at the landing, instead of the men, that Yankee would neverhave insulted us by flying his flag in our faces! _We_ would haveopposed his landing except under a flag of truce; but the men let himalone, and he even found a poor Dutchman willing to show him the road!

He did not accomplish much; said a formal demand would be made nextday, and asked if it was safe for the men to come ashore and buy a fewnecessaries, when he was assured the air of Baton Rouge was veryunhealthy for Yankee soldiers at night. He promised very magnanimouslynot to shell us out if we did not molest him; but I notice none of themdare set their feet on _terra firma_, except the officer who has nowcalled three times on the Mayor, and who is said to tremble visibly ashe walks the streets. 

Last evening came the demand: the town must be surrendered immediately;the Federal flag must be raised; they would grant us the same termsthey granted New Orleans. Jolly terms those were! The answer was worthyof a Southerner. It was, "The town was defenseless; if we had cannon, there were not men enough to resist; but if forty vessels lay at thelanding, --it was intimated we were in their power, and more shipscoming up, --we would not surrender; if they wanted, they might come andtake us; if they wished the Federal flag hoisted over the Arsenal, theymight put it up for themselves, the town had no control over Governmentproperty. " Glorious! What a pity they did not shell the town! But theyare taking us at our word, and this morning they are landing at theGarrison. 

"All devices, signs, and flags of the Confederacy shall be suppressed. "So says Picayune Butler. _Good. _ I devote all my red, white, and bluesilk to the manufacture of Confederate flags. As soon as one isconfiscated, I make another, until my ribbon is exhausted, when I willsport a duster emblazoned in high colors, "Hurra! for the Bonny blueflag!" Henceforth, I wear one pinned to my bosom--not a duster, but alittle flag; the man who says take it off will have to pull it off forhimself; the man who dares attempt it--well! a pistol in my pocketfills up the gap. I am capable, too. 

This is a dreadful war, to make even the hearts of women so bitter! Ihardly know myself these last few weeks. I, who have such a horror ofbloodshed, consider even killing in self-defense murder, who cannotwish them the slightest evil, whose only prayer is to have them sentback in peace to their own country, --_I_ talk of killing them! For whatelse do I wear a pistol and carving-knife? I am afraid I _will_ trythem on the first one who says an insolent word to me. Yes, and repentfor it ever after in sack-cloth and ashes. _O!_ if I was only a man!Then I could don the breeches, and slay them with a will! If some fewSouthern women were in the ranks, they could set the men an examplethey would not blush to follow. Pshaw! there are _no_ women here! Weare _all_ men!

 May 10th. 

Last night about one o'clock I was wakened and told that mother andMiriam had come. Oh, how glad I was! I tumbled out of bed half asleepand hugged Miriam in a dream, but waked up when I got to mother. Theycame up under a flag of truce, on a boat going up for provisions, which, by the way, was brought to by half a dozen Yankee ships insuccession, with a threat to send a broadside into her if she did notstop--the wretches knew it _must_ be under a flag of truce; no boatsleave, except by special order to procure provisions. 

What tales they had to tell! They were on the wharf, and saw the shipssail up the river, saw the broadside fired into Will Pinckney'sregiment, the boats we fired, our gunboats, floating down to meet themall wrapped in flames; twenty thousand bales of cotton blazing in asingle pile; molasses and sugar thrown over everything. They stoodthere opposite to where one of the ships landed, expecting a broadside, and resolute not to be shot in the back. I wish I had been there! AndCaptain Huger is not dead! They had hopes of his life for the firsttime day before yesterday. Miriam saw the ball that had just beenextracted. He will probably be lame for the rest of his life. It willbe a glory to him. For even the Federal officers say that never didthey see so gallant a little ship, or one that fought so desperately asthe McRae. Men and officers fought like devils. Think of all thosegreat leviathans after the poor little "Widow Mickey"! One came tearingdown on her sideways, while the Brooklyn fired on her from the otherside, when brave Captain Warley put the nose of the Manassas under thefirst, and tilted her over so that the whole broadside passed over, instead of through, the McRae, who spit back its poor little fire atboth. And after all was lost, she carried the wounded and the prisonersto New Orleans, and was scuttled by her own men in port. GloriousCaptain Huger! And think of his sending word to Jimmy, suffering as hewas, that "his little brass cannon was game to the last. " Oh! I hope hewill recover. Brave, dare-devil Captain Warley is prisoner, and on theway to Fort Warren, that home of all brave, patriotic men. We'll havehim out. And my poor little Jimmy! If I have not spoken of him, it isnot because I have lost sight of him for a moment. The day the McRaewent down, he arose from his bed, ill as he was, and determined torejoin her, as his own boat, the Mississippi, was not ready. When hereached the St. Charles, he fell so very ill that he had to be carriedback to Brother's. Only his desperate illness saved him from beingamong the killed or wounded on that gallant little ship. A few daysafter, he learned the fate of the ship, and was told that Captain Hugerwas dead. No wonder he should cry so bitterly! For Captain Huger was astender and as kind to him as his own dear father. God bless him for it!The enemy's ships were sailing up; so he threw a few articles in acarpet-bag and started off for Richmond, Corinth, anywhere, to fight. Sick, weak, hardly able to stand, he went off, two weeks ago yesterday. We know not where, and we have never heard from him since. Whether hesuccumbed to that jaundice and the rest, and lies dead or dying on theroad, God only knows. We can only wait and pray God to send dear littleJimmy home in safety. 

And this is WAR! Heaven save me from like scenes and experiences again. I was wild with excitement last night when Miriam described how thesoldiers, marching to the depot, waved their hats to the crowds ofwomen and children, shouting, "God bless you, ladies! We will fight foryou!" and they, waving their handkerchiefs, sobbed with one voice, "Godbless you, Soldiers! Fight for us!"

We, too, have been having our fun. Early in the evening, four moregunboats sailed up here. We saw them from the corner, three squaresoff, crowded with men even up in the riggings. The American flag wasflying from every peak. It was received in profound silence, by thehundreds gathered on the banks. I could hardly refrain from a groan. Much as I once loved that flag, I hate it now! I came back and mademyself a Confederate flag about five inches long, slipped the staff inmy belt, pinned the flag to my shoulder, and walked downtown, to theconsternation of women and children, who expected something awful tofollow. An old negro cried, "My young missus got her flag flyin', anyhow!" Nettie made one and hid it in the folds of her dress. But wewere the only two who ventured. We went to the State House terrace, andtook a good look at the Brooklyn which was crowded with people who tooka good look at us, likewise. The picket stationed at the Garrison tookalarm at half a dozen men on horseback and ran, saying that thecitizens were attacking. The kind officers aboard the ship sent us wordthat if they were molested, the town would be shelled. Let them!Butchers! Does it take thirty thousand men and millions of dollars tomurder defenseless women and children? O the great nation! Bravo!

 May 11th. 

I--I am disgusted with myself. No unusual thing, but I am _peculiarly_disgusted this time. Last evening, I went to Mrs. Brunot's, without anidea of going beyond, with my flag flying again. They were all going tothe State House, so I went with them; to my great distress, somefifteen or twenty Federal officers were standing on the first terrace, stared at like wild beasts by the curious crowd. I had not expected tomeet them, and felt a painful conviction that I was unnecessarilyattracting attention, by an unladylike display of defiance, from thecrowd gathered there. But what was I to do? I felt humiliated, conspicuous, everything that is painful and disagreeable; but--strikemy colors in the face of the enemy? Never! Nettie and Sophie had them, too, but that was no consolation for the shame I suffered by such adisplay so totally distasteful to me. How I wished myself away, andchafed at my folly, and hated myself for being there, and every one forseeing me. I hope it will be a lesson to me always to remember a ladycan gain nothing by such display. 

I was not ashamed of the flag of my country, --I proved that by neverattempting to remove it in spite of my mortification, --but I wasashamed of my position; for these are evidently gentlemen, not theBilly Wilson's crew we were threatened with. Fine, noble-looking menthey were, showing refinement and gentlemanly bearing in every motion. One cannot help but admire such foes! They set us an example worthy ofour imitation, and one we would be benefited by following. They come asvisitors without either pretensions to superiority, or the insolence ofconquerors; they walk quietly their way, offering no annoyance to thecitizens, though they themselves are stared at most unmercifully, andpursued by crowds of ragged little boys, while even men gape at themwith open mouths. They prove themselves gentlemen, while many of ourcitizens have proved themselves boors, and I admire them for theirconduct. With a conviction that I had allowed myself to be influencedby bigoted, narrow-minded people, in believing them to be unworthy ofrespect or regard, I came home wonderfully changed in all my newlyacquired sentiments, resolved never more to wound their feelings, whowere so careful of ours, by such unnecessary display. And I hung myflag on the parlor mantel, there to wave, if it will, in the shades ofprivate life; but to make a show, make me conspicuous and ill at ease, as I was yesterday, --never again!

There was a dozen officers in church this morning, and the psalms forthe 11th day seemed so singularly appropriate to the feelings of thepeople, that I felt uncomfortable for them. They answered with us, though. 

 May 14th. 

I am beginning to believe that we are even of more importance in BatonRouge than we thought we were. It is laughable to hear the things acertain set of people, who know they can't visit us, say about thewhole family.... When father was alive, they dared not talk about usaloud, beyond calling us the "Proud Morgans" and the "Aristocracy ofBaton Rouge".... But now father is gone, the people imagine we arepublic property, to be criticized, vilified, and abused to theirhearts' content.... 

And now, because they find absurdities don't succeed, they tryimprobabilities. So yesterday the town was in a ferment because it wasreported the Federal officers had called on the Miss Morgans, and allthe gentlemen were anxious to hear how they had been received. One hadthe grace to say, "If they did, they received the best lesson therethat they could get in town; those young ladies would meet them withthe true Southern spirit. " The rest did not know; they would like tofind out. 

I suppose the story originated from the fact that we were unwilling toblackguard--yes, that is the word--the Federal officers here, and wouldnot agree with many of our friends in saying they were liars, thieves, murderers, scoundrels, the scum of the earth, etc. Such epithets areunworthy of ladies, I say, and do harm, rather than advance our cause. Let them be what they will, it shall not make me less the lady; I sayit is unworthy of anything except low newspaper war, such abuse, and Iwill not join in. 

I have a brother-in-law in the Federal army whom I love and respect asmuch as any one in the world, and shall not readily agree that hisbeing a Northerner would give him an irresistible desire to pick mypockets, and take from him all power of telling the truth. No! Thereare few men I admire more than Major Drum, and I honor him for hisindependence in doing what he believes right. Let us have liberty ofspeech and action in our land, I say, but not gross abuse and calumny. Shall I acknowledge that the people we so recently called our brothersare unworthy of consideration, and are liars, cowards, dogs? Not I!_If_ they conquer us, I acknowledge them as a superior race; I will notsay that we were conquered by cowards, for where would that place us?It will take a brave people to gain us, and that the Northernersundoubtedly are. I would scorn to have an inferior foe; I fight only myequals. These women may acknowledge that _cowards_ have won battles inwhich their brothers were engaged, but I, I will ever say _mine_ foughtagainst brave men, and won the day. Which is most honorable?

I was never a Secessionist, for I quietly adopted father's views onpolitical subjects without meddling with them. But even father wentover with his State, and when so many outrages were committed by thefanatical leaders of the North, though he regretted the Union, said, "Fight to the death for our liberty. " I say so, too. I want to fightuntil we win the cause so many have died for. I don't believe inSecession, but I do in Liberty. I want the South to conquer, dictateits own terms, and go back to the Union, for I believe that, apart, inevitable ruin awaits both. It is a rope of sand, this Confederacy, founded on the doctrine of Secession, and will not last many years--notfive. The North Cannot subdue us. We are too determined to be free. They have no right to confiscate our property to pay debts theythemselves have incurred. Death as a nation, rather than Union on suchterms. We will have our rights secured on so firm a basis that it cannever be shaken. If by power of overwhelming numbers they conquer us, it will be a barren victory over a desolate land. We, the natives ofthis loved soil, will be beggars in a foreign land; we will not submitto despotism under the garb of Liberty. The North will find herselfburdened with an unparalleled debt, with nothing to show for it exceptdeserted towns, burning homes, a standing army which will govern withno small caprice, and an impoverished land. 

If that be treason, make the best of it!

 May 17th. 

One of these days, when peace is restored and we are quietly settled inour allotted corners of this wide world without any particularlyexciting event to alarm us; and with the knowledge of what is now thefuture, and will then be the dead past; seeing that all has been forthe best for us in the end; that all has come right in spite of us, wewill wonder how we could ever have been foolish enough to await eachhour in such breathless anxiety. We will ask ourselves if it was reallytrue that nightly, as we lay down to sleep, we did not dare plan forthe morning, feeling that we might be homeless and beggars before thedawn. How unreal it will then seem! We will say it was our wildimagination, perhaps. But how bitterly, horribly true it is now!

Four days ago the Yankees left us, to attack Vicksburg, leaving theirflag flying in the Garrison without a man to guard it, and with theunderstanding that the town would be held responsible for it. It wasintended for a trap; and it succeeded. For night before last, it waspulled down and torn to pieces. 

Now, unless Will will have the kindness to sink a dozen of their shipsup there, --I hear he has command of the lower batteries, --they willbe back in a few days, and will execute their threat of shelling thetown. If they do, what will become of us? All we expect in the way ofearthly property is as yet mere paper, which will be so much trash ifthe South is ruined, as it consists of debts due father by manyplanters for professional services rendered, who, of course, will beruined, too, so all money is gone. That is nothing, we will not beashamed to earn our bread, so let it go. 

But this house is at least a shelter from the weather, all sentimentapart. And our servants, too; how could they manage without us? TheYankees, on the river, and a band of guerrillas in the woods, areequally anxious to precipitate a fight. Between the two fires, whatchance for us? It would take only a little while to burn the city overour heads. They say the women and children must be removed, theseguerrillas. Where, please? Charlie says we must go to Greenwell. Andhave this house pillaged? For Butler has decreed that no unoccupiedhouse shall be respected. If we stay through the battle, if theFederals are victorious, we will suffer. For the officers here werereported to have said, "If the people here did not treat them decently, they would know what it was when Billy Wilson's crew arrived. _They_would give them a lesson!" That select crowd is now in New Orleans. Heaven help us when they reach here! It is in these small cities thatthe greatest outrages are perpetrated. What are we to do?

A new proclamation from Butler has just come. It seems that the ladieshave an ugly way of gathering their skirts when the Federals pass, toavoid any possible contact. Some even turn up their noses. Unladylike, to say the least. But it is, maybe, owing to the odor they have, whichis said to be unbearable even at this early season of the year. Butlersays, whereas the so-called ladies of New Orleans insult his men andofficers, he gives one and all permission to insult any or all who sotreat them, then and there, with the assurance that the women will notreceive the slightest protection from the Government, and that the menwill all be justified. I did not have time to read it, but repeat it asit was told to me by mother, who is in utter despair at the brutalityof the thing. These men our brothers? Not mine! Let us hope for thehonor of their nation that Butler is not counted among the gentlemen ofthe land. And so, if any man should fancy he cared to kiss me, he coulddo so under the pretext that I had pulled my dress from under his feet!That will justify them! And if we decline their visits, they can insultus under the plea of a prior affront. Oh! Gibbes! George! Jimmy! neverdid we need your protection as sorely as now. And not to know evenwhether you are alive! When Charlie joins the army, we will bedefenseless, indeed. Come to my bosom, O my discarded carving-knife, laid aside under the impression that these men were gentlemen. We willbe close friends once more. And if you must have a sheath, perhaps Imay find one for you in the heart of the first man who attempts toButlerize me. I never dreamed of kissing any man save my father andbrothers. And why any one should care to kiss any one else, I fail tounderstand. And I do not propose to learn to make exceptions. 

Still no word from the boys. We hear that Norfolk has been evacuated;but no details. George was there. Gibbes is wherever Johnston is, presumably on the Rappahannock; but it is more than six weeks since wehave heard from either of them, and all communication is cut off. 

 May 21st. 

I have had such a search for shoes this week that I am disgusted withshopping. I am triumphant now, for after traversing the town in everydirection and finding nothing, I finally discovered a pair of _boots_just made for a little negro to go fishing with, and only an inch and ahalf too long for me, besides being unbendable; but I seized them withavidity, and the little negro would have been outbid if I had not soonafter discovered a pair more seemly, if not more serviceable, which Itook without further difficulty. Behold my tender feet cased incrocodile skin, patent-leather tipped, low-quarter boy's shoes, No. 2!"What a fall was there, my country, " from my pretty English glove-kid, to sabots made of some animal closely connected with the hippopotamus!_A dernier ressort, vraiment!_ for my choice was that, or cooling myfeet on the burning pavement _au naturel_; I who have such a terror ofany one seeing my naked foot! And this is thanks to war and blockade!Not a decent shoe in the whole community! _N'importe!_ "Better days arecoming, we'll all"--have shoes--after a while--perhaps! Why did notMark Tapley leave me a song calculated to keep the spirits up, underdepressing circumstances? I need one very much, and have nothing moresuggestive than the old Methodist hymn, "Better days are coming, we'llall go right, " which I shout so constantly, as our prospects darken, that it begins to sound stale. 

 May 27th. 

The cry is "Ho! for Greenwell!" Very probably this day week will see usthere. I don't want to go. If we were at peace, and were to spend a fewmonths of the warmest season out there, none would be more eager anddelighted than I: but to leave our comfortable home, and all itcontains, for a rough pine cottage seventeen miles away even from thisscanty civilization, is sad. It must be! We are hourly expecting tworegiments of Yankees to occupy the Garrison, and some fifteen hundredof our men are awaiting them a little way off, so the fight seemsinevitable. And we must go, leaving what little has already been sparedus to the tender mercies of Northern volunteers, who, from the specimenof plundering they gave us two weeks ago, will hardly leave us even theshelter of our roof. O my dear Home! How can I help but cry at leavingyou forever? For if this fight occurs, never again shall I pass thethreshold of this house, where we have been so happy and sad, the sceneof joyous meetings and mournful partings, the place where we greetedeach other with glad shouts after even so short a parting, the placewhere Harry and father kissed us good-bye and never came back again!

I know what Lavinia has suffered this long year, by what we havesuffered these last six weeks. Poor Lavinia, so far away! How easierpoverty, if it must come, would be if we could bear it together! Iwonder if the real fate of the boys, if we ever hear, can be sodreadful as this suspense? Still no news of them. My poor little Jimmy!And think how desperate Gibbes and George will be when they readButler's proclamation, and they not able to defend us! Gibbes was inour late victory of Fredericksburg, I know. 

In other days, going to Greenwell was the signal for general noise andconfusion. All the boys gathered their guns and fishing-tackle, andthousand and one amusements; father sent out provisions; we helpedmother pack; Hal and I tumbled over the libraries to lay in a supply ofreading material; and all was bustle until the carriage drove to thedoor at daylight one morning, and swept us off. It is not so gay thistime. I wandered around this morning selecting books alone. We can onlytake what is necessary, the rest being left to the care of the Northernmilitia in general. I never knew before how many articles wereperfectly "indispensable" to me. This or that little token or keepsake, piles of letters I hate to burn, many dresses, etc. , I cannot takeconveniently, lie around me, and I hardly know which to choose amongthem, yet half _must_ be sacrificed; I can only take one trunk. 

 May 30th, GREENWELL. 

After all our trials and tribulations, here we are at last, and nolimbs lost! How many weeks ago was it since I wrote here? It seems verylong after all these events; let me try to recall them. 

Wednesday the 28th, --a day to be forever remembered, --as luck wouldhave it, we rose very early, and had breakfast sooner than usual, itwould seem for the express design of becoming famished before dinner. Ipicked up some of my letters and papers and set them where I could findthem whenever we were ready to go to Greenwell, burning a pile of trashand leaving a quantity equally worthless, which were of no value evento myself except from association. I was packing up my traveling-deskwith all Harry's little articles that were left to me, and otherthings, and I was saying to myself that my affairs were in suchconfusion that if obliged to run unexpectedly I would not know what tosave, when I heard Lilly's voice downstairs, crying as she ran in--shehad been out shopping--"Mr. Castle has killed a Federal officer on aship, and they are going to shell--" _Bang!_ went a cannon at the word, and that was all our warning. 

Mother had just come in, and was lying down, but sprang to her feet andadded her screams to the general confusion. Miriam, who had beensearching the libraries, ran up to quiet her; Lilly gathered herchildren, crying hysterically all the time, and ran to the front doorwith them as they were; Lucy saved the baby, naked as she took her fromher bath, only throwing a quilt over her. I bethought me of my"running-bag" which I had used on a former case, and in a moment my fewprecious articles were secured under my hoops, and with a sunbonnet on, I stood ready for anything. 

The firing still continued; they must have fired half a dozen timesbefore we could coax mother off. What awful screams! I had hoped neverto hear them again, after Harry died. Charlie had gone to Greenwellbefore daybreak, to prepare the house, so we four women, with all thosechildren and servants, were left to save ourselves. I did not forget mypoor little Jimmy; I caught up his cage and ran down. Just at thismoment mother recovered enough to insist on saving father'spapers--which was impossible, as she had not an idea of where theimportant ones were. I heard Miriam plead, argue, insist, command herto run; Lilly shriek, and cry she should go; the children screamingwithin; women running by without, crying and moaning; but I could notjoin in. I was going I knew not where; it was impossible to take mybird, for even if I could carry him, he would starve. So I took him outof his cage, kissed his little yellow head, and tossed him up. He gaveone feeble little chirp as if to ascertain where to go, and then forthe first and last time I cried, laying my head against the gate-post, and with my eyes too dim to see him. Oh, how it hurt me to lose mylittle bird, one Jimmy had given me, too!

But the next minute we were all off, in safety. A square from home, Idiscovered that boy shoes were not the most comfortable things to runin, so I ran back, in spite of cannonading, entreaties, etc. , to getanother pair. I got home, found an old pair that were by no meansrespectable, which I seized without hesitation; and being perfectly atease, thought it would be so nice to save at least Miriam's and mytooth-brushes, so slipped them in my corsets. These in, of course wemust have a comb--that was added--then how could we stand the sunwithout starch to cool our faces? This included the powder-bag; then Imust save that beautiful lace collar; and my hair was tumbling down, soin went the tucking-comb and hair-pins with the rest; until, if therehad been any one to speculate, they would have wondered a long while atthe singular appearance of a girl who is considered as very slight, usually. By this time, Miriam, alarmed for me, returned to find me, though urged by Dr. Castleton not to risk her life by attempting it, and we started off together. 

We had hardly gone a square when we decided to return a second time, and get at least a few articles for the children and ourselves, who hadnothing except what we happened to have on when the shelling commenced. She picked up any little things and threw them to me, while I filled apillow-case jerked from the bed, and placed my powder and brushes in itwith the rest. Before we could leave, mother, alarmed for us both, cameto find us, with Tiche. [4] All this time they had been shelling, butthere was quite a lull when she got there, and she commenced picking upfather's papers, vowing all the time she would not leave. Everyargument we could use was of no avail, and we were desperate as to whatcourse to pursue, when the shelling recommenced in a few minutes. Thenmother recommenced her screaming and was ready to fly anywhere; andholding her box of papers, with a faint idea of saving something, shepicked up two dirty underskirts and an old cloak. 

 [4] Mrs. Morgan's negro maid, Catiche. 

By dint of Miriam's vehement appeals, aided by a great deal of pulling, we got her down to the back door. We had given our pillow-case toTiche, who added another bundle and all our silver to it, and hadalready departed. 

As we stood in the door, four or five shells sailed over our heads atthe same time, seeming to make a perfect corkscrew of the air, --for itsounded as though it went in circles. Miriam cried, "Never mind thedoor!" mother screamed anew, and I stayed behind to lock the door, withthis new music in my ears. We reached the back gate, that was on thestreet, when another shell passed us, and Miriam jumped behind thefence for protection. We had only gone half a square when Dr. Castletonbegged us to take another street, as they were firing up that one. Wetook his advice, but found our new street worse than the old, for theshells seemed to whistle their strange songs with redoubled vigor. Theheight of my ambition was now attained. I had heard Jimmy laugh aboutthe singular sensation produced by the rifled balls spinning aroundone's head; and here I heard the same peculiar sound, ran the samerisk, and was equal to the rest of the boys, for was I not in the midstof flying shells, in the middle of a bombardment? I think I was ratherproud of it. 

We were alone on the road, --all had run away before, --so I thought itwas for our especial entertainment, this little affair. I cannotremember how long it lasted; I am positive that the clock struck tenbefore I left home, but I had been up so long, I know not what time itbegan, though I am told it was between eight and nine. We passed thegraveyard, we did not even stop, and about a mile and a half from home, when mother was perfectly exhausted with fatigue and unable to proceedfarther, we met a gentleman in a buggy who kindly took charge of herand our bundles. We could have walked miles beyond, then, for as soonas she was safe we felt as though a load had been removed from ourshoulders; and after exhorting her not to be uneasy about us, andreminding her we had a pistol and a dagger, --I had secured a "for true"one the day before, fortunately, --she drove off, and we trudged onalone, the only people in sight on foot, though occasionally carriagesand buggies would pass, going towards town. One party of gentlemen puttheir heads out and one said, "There are Judge Morgan's daughterssitting by the road!"--but I observed he did not offer them theslightest assistance. However, others were very kind. One I never heardof had volunteered to go for us, and bring us to mother, when she wasuneasy about our staying so long, when we went home to get clothes. Weheard him ring and knock, but, thinking it must be next door, paid noattention, so he went back and mother came herself. 

We were two miles away when we sat down by the road to rest, and have alaugh. Here were two women married, and able to take care ofthemselves, flying for their lives and leaving two lorn girls alone onthe road, to protect each other! To be sure, neither could help us, andone was not able to walk, and the other had helpless children to save;but it was so funny when we talked about it, and thought how sorry bothwould be when they regained their reason! While we were yet resting, wesaw a cart coming, and, giving up all idea of our walking to Greenwell, called the people to stop. To our great delight, it proved to be a cartloaded with Mrs. Brunot's affairs, driven by two of her negroes, whokindly took us up with them, on the top of their luggage; and we droveoff in state, as much pleased at riding in that novel place as thoughwe were accustomed to ride in wheelbarrows. Miriam was in a hollowbetween a flour barrel and a mattress; and I at the end, astride, I amafraid, of a tremendous bundle, for my face was down the road and eachfoot resting very near the sides of the cart. I tried to make a betterarrangement, though, after a while. These servants were good enough tolend us their umbrella, without which I am afraid we would havesuffered severely, for the day was intensely warm. 

Three miles from town we began to overtake the fugitives. Hundreds ofwomen and children were walking along, some bareheaded, and in allcostumes. Little girls of twelve and fourteen were wandering on alone. I called to one I knew, and asked where her mother was; she didn'tknow; she would walk on until she found out. It seems her mother lost anursing baby, too, which was not found until ten that night. White andblack were all mixed together, and were as confidential as thoughrelated. All called to us and asked where we were going, and many weknew laughed at us for riding on a cart; but as they had walked onlyfive miles, I imagined they would like even these poor accommodationsif they were in their reach. 

The negroes deserve the greatest praise for their conduct. Hundredswere walking with babies or bundles; ask them what they had saved, itwas invariably, "My mistress's clothes, or silver, or baby. " Ask whatthey had for themselves, it was, "Bless your heart, honey, I was gladto get away with mistress's things; I didn't think 'bout mine. "

It was a heart-rending scene. Women searching for their babies alongthe road, where they had been lost; others sitting in the dust cryingand wringing their hands; for by this time we had not an idea but whatBaton Rouge was either in ashes, or being plundered, and we had savednothing. I had one dress, Miriam two, but Tiche had them, and we hadlost her before we left home. 

Presently we came on a guerrilla camp. Men and horses were resting oneach side of the road, some sick, some moving about carrying water tothe women and children, and all looking like a monster barbecue, for asfar as the eye could see through the woods, was the same repetition ofmen and horses. They would ask for the news, and one, drunk withexcitement or whiskey, informed us that it was our own fault if we hadsaved nothing, the people must have been ---- fools not to have knowntrouble would come before long, and that it was the fault of the men, who were aware of it, that the women were thus forced to fly. In vainwe pleaded that there was no warning, no means of foreseeing this; hecried, "_You_ are ruined; so am I; and my brothers, too! And by ----there is nothing left but to die now, and I'll die!" "Good!" I said. "But die fighting for us!" He waved his hand, black with powder, andshouted, "That I will!" after us. That was the only swearing guerrillawe met; the others seemed to have too much respect for us to talk loud. 

Lucy had met us before this; early in the action, Lilly had sent herback to get some baby-clothes, but a shell exploding within a few feetof her, she took alarm, and ran up another road, for three miles, whenshe cut across the plantations and regained the Greenwell route. It isfortunate that, without consultation, the thought of running hereshould have seized us all. 

 May 31st. 

I was interrupted so frequently yesterday that I know not how Icontinued to write so much. First, I was sent for, to go to Mrs. Brunot, who had just heard of her son's death, and who was alone withDena; and some hours after, I was sent for, to see Fanny, now Mrs. Trezevant, who had just come with her husband to bring us news ofGeorge. A Mrs. Montgomery, who saw him every day at Norfolk, said Jimmywas with him, and though very sick at first, was now in good health. The first news in all that long time! When the city was evacuated, George went with his regiment seven miles from Richmond, Jimmy to thecity itself, as aide to Com. Hollins. This lady brought George's opalring and diamond pin. Howell and Mr. Badger, who had just joined theguerrillas as independents, spent the day with me. We were all in suchconfusion that I felt ashamed: every one as dirty as possible; I had onthe same dress I had escaped in, which, though then perfectly clean, was now rather--dirty. But they knew what a time we had had. 

To return to my journal. 

Lucy met mother some long way ahead of us, whose conscience was alreadyreproaching her for leaving us, and in answer to her "What has becomeof my poor girls?" ran down the road to find us, for Lucy thinks theworld can't keep on moving without us. When she met us, she walked bythe cart, and it was with difficulty we persuaded her to ride a mile;she said she felt "used" to walking now. About five miles from home, weovertook mother. The gentleman had been obliged to go for his wife, soMary gave her her seat on the cart, and walked with Lucy three milesbeyond, where we heard that Lilly and the children had arrived in acart, early in the day. All the talk by the roadside was of burninghomes, houses knocked to pieces by balls, famine, murder, desolation;so I comforted myself singing, "Better days are coming" and "I hope todie shouting, the Lord will provide"; while Lucy toiled through the sunand dust, and answered with a chorus of "I'm a-runnin', a-runnin' up toglo-ry!"

It was three o'clock when we reached Mr. David's and found Lilly. Howwarm and tired we were! A hasty meal, which tasted like a feast afterour fatigue, gave us fresh strength, and Lilly and Miriam got in an oldcart with the children to drive out here, leaving me with mother andDellie to follow next day. About sunset, Charlie came flying down theroad, on his way to town. I decided to go, and after an obstinatedebate with mother, in which I am afraid I showed more determinationthan amiability, I wrung a reluctant consent from her, and, promisingnot to enter if it was being fired or plundered, drove off in triumph. It was a desperate enterprise for a young girl, to enter a town full ofsoldiers on such an expedition at night; but I knew Charlie could takecare of me, and if he was killed I could take care of myself; so Iwent. 

It was long after nine when we got there, and my first act was to lookaround the deserted house. What a scene of confusion! armoirs spreadopen, with clothes tumbled in every direction, inside and out; ribbons, laces on floors; chairs overturned; my desk wide open covered withletters, trinkets, etc. ; bureau drawers half out, the bed filled withodds and ends of everything. I no longer recognized my little room. Onthe bolster was a little box, at the sight of which I burst outlaughing. Five minutes before the alarm, Miriam had been selectingthose articles she meant to take to Greenwell, and, holding up her box, said, "If we were forced to run for our lives without a moment'swarning, I'd risk my life to save this, rather than leave it!" Yet herelay the box, and she was safe at Greenwell!

It took me two hours to pack father's papers, then I packed Miriam'strunk, then some of mother's and mine, listening all the while for acannon; for men were constantly tramping past the house, and only oncondition our guerrillas did not disturb them had they promised not torecommence the shelling. Charlie went out to hear the news, and Ipacked alone. 

It seems the only thing that saved the town was two gentlemen who rowedout to the ships, and informed the illustrious commander that therewere no men there to be hurt, and he was only killing women andchildren. The answer was, "He was sorry he had hurt them; he thought ofcourse the town had been evacuated before the men were fools enough tofire on them, and had only shelled the principal streets to intimidatethe people. " These streets were the very ones crowded with flying womenand children, which they must have seen with their own eyes, for thoselying parallel to the river led to the Garrison at one end and thecrevasse at the other, which cut off all the lower roads, so that thestreets he shelled were the only ones that the women could follow, unless they wished to be drowned. As for the firing, four guerrillaswere rash enough to fire on a yawl which was about to land without aflag of truce, killing one, wounding three, one of whom afterwardsdied. 

They were the only ones in town, there was not a cannon in our hands, even if a dozen men could be collected, and this cannonading was keptup in return for half a dozen shots from as many rifles, without even ashow of resistance after! So ended the momentous shelling of BatonRouge, during which the valiant Farragut killed one whole woman, wounded three, struck some twenty houses several times apiece, andindirectly caused the death of two little children who were drowned intheir flight, one poor little baby that was born in the woods, andseveral cases of the same kind, besides those who will yet die from thefatigue, as Mrs. W. D. Phillips who had not left her room sinceJanuary, who was carried out in her nightgown, and is now supposed tobe in a dying condition. The man who took mother told us he had taken adying woman--in the act of expiring--in his buggy, from her bed, andhad left her a little way off, where she had probably breathed her lasta few moments after. There were many similar cases. Hurrah for theillustrious Farragut, the Woman Killer!!!

It was three o'clock before I left off packing, and took refuge in atub of cold water, from the dust and heat of the morning. What a luxurythe water was! and when I changed my underclothes I felt like a newbeing. To be sure I pulled off the skin of my heel entirely, where ithad been blistered by the walk, dust, sun, etc. , but that was a trifle, though still quite sore now. For three hours I dreamed of rifled shellsand battles, and at half-past six I was up and at work again. Mothercame soon after, and after hard work we got safely off at three, savingnothing but our clothes and silver. All else is gone. It cost me a pangto leave my guitar, and Miriam's piano, but it seems there was no helpfor it, so I had to submit. 

It was dark night when we reached here. A bright fire was blazing infront, but the house looked so desolate that I wanted to cry. Miriamcried when I told her her piano was left behind. Supper was a newsensation, after having been without anything except a _glass_ ofclabber (no saucers) and a piece of bread since half-past six. I laiddown on the hard floor to rest my weary bones, thankful that I was sofortunate as to be able to lie down at all. In my dozing state, I heardthe wagon come, and Miriam ordering a mattress to be put in the roomfor me. I could make out, "Very well! you may take that one to MissEliza, [5] but the next one shall be brought to Miss Sarah!" PoorMiriam! She is always fighting my battles. She and the servants arealways taking my part against the rest of the world.... She and Lucymade a bed and rolled me in it with no more questions, and left me withdamp eyes at the thought of how good and tender every one is to me. Poor Lucy picked me a dish of blackberries to await my arrival, and Iwas just as grateful for it, though they were eaten by some one elsebefore I came. 

 [5] Lilly. 

Early yesterday morning, Miriam, Nettie, and Sophie, who did not thenknow of their brother's death, went to town in a cart, determined tosave some things, Miriam to save her piano. As soon as they werehalfway, news reached us that any one was allowed to enter, but noneallowed to leave the town, and all vehicles confiscated as soon as theyreached there. Alarmed for their safety, mother started off to findthem, and we have heard of none of them since. What will happen next? Iam not uneasy. They dare not harm them. It is glorious to shell a townfull of women, but to kill four lone ones is not exciting enough. 

 June 1st, Sunday. 

From the news brought by one or two persons who managed to reach hereyesterday, I am more uneasy about mother and the girls. A gentlemantells me that no one is permitted to leave without a pass, and ofthese, only such as are separated from their families, who may haveleft before. All families are prohibited to leave, and furniture andother valuables also. Here is an agreeable arrangement! I saw the"pass, " just such as we give our negroes, signed by a Wisconsincolonel. Think of being obliged to ask permission from some low plowmanto go in or out of our own house! Cannon are planted as far out asColonel Davidson's, six of them at our graveyard, and one or more onall the other roads. If the guerrillas do not attempt their capture, Ishall take it upon myself to suggest it to the very next one I see. Even if they cannot use them, it will frighten the Yankees, who are ina state of constant alarm about them. Their reason for keeping peoplein town is that they hope they will not be attacked so long as our ownfriends remain; thereby placing us above themselves in the scale ofhumanity, since they acknowledge we are not brute enough to kill womenand children as they did not hesitate to do. 

Farragut pleads that he could not restrain his men, they were soenraged when the order was once given to fire, and says they _would_strike a few houses, though he ordered them to fire solely at horses, and the clouds of dust in the street, where guerrillas were supposed tobe. The dust was by no means thick enough to conceal that these"guerrillas" were women, carrying babies instead of guns, and thehorses were drawing buggies in which many a sick woman was lying. 

A young lady who applied to the Yankee general for a pass to come outhere, having doubtless spoken of the number of women here who had fled, and the position of the place, was advised to remain in town and writeto the ladies to return immediately, and assure them that they would berespected and protected, etc. , but that it was madness to remain atGreenwell, for a terrific battle would be fought there in a few days, and they would be exposed to the greatest danger. The girl wrote theletter, but, Mr. Fox, we are not quite such fools as to return there toafford you the protection our petticoats would secure to you, therebypreventing you from receiving condign punishment for the injuries andloss of property already inflicted upon us by you. No! we remain_here_; and if you are not laid low before you pass the Comite Bridge, we can take to the woods again, and camp out, as many a poor woman isdoing now, a few miles from town. Many citizens have been arrested, andafter being confined a while, and closely questioned, have beenreleased, if the information is satisfactory. A negro man is informingon all cotton burners and violent Secessionists, etc. 

 Sunday night. 

The girls have just got back, riding in a mule team, on top of baggage, but without either mother or any of our affairs. Our condition isperfectly desperate. Miriam had an interview with General Williams, which was by no means satisfactory. He gave her a pass to leave, andbring us back, for he says there is no safety here for us; he willrestrain his men in town, and protect the women, but once outside, hewill answer neither for his men, nor the women and children. As soon ashe gets horses enough, he passes this road, going to Camp Moore withhis cavalry, and then we are in greater danger than ever. Any houseshut up shall be occupied by soldiers. Five thousand are there now, five more expected. What shall we do? Mother remained, sending Miriamfor me, determined to keep us there, rather than sacrifice both ourlives and property by remaining here. But then--two weeks from now theyellow fever will break out; mother has the greatest horror of it, andwe have never had it; dying is not much in the present state of ouraffairs, but the survivor will suffer even more than we do now. Ifwe stay, how shall we live? I have seventeen hundred dollars inConfederate notes now in my "running-bag, " and three or four in silver. The former will not be received there, the latter might last two days. If we save our house and furniture, it is at the price of starving. Iam of opinion that we should send for mother, and with what money wehave, make our way somewhere in the interior, to some city where we cancommunicate with the boys, and be advised by them. This is not living. Home is lost beyond all hope of recovery; if we wait, what we havealready saved will go, too; so we had better leave at once, with whatclothing we have, which will certainly establish us on the footing ofladies, if we chance to fall among vulgar people who never look beyond. I fear the guerrillas will attack the town to-night; if they do, Godhelp mother!

General Williams offered Miriam an escort when he found she was withouta protector, in the most fatherly way; he must be a good man. Shethanked him, but said "she felt perfectly safe on _that_ road. " He bithis lip, understanding the allusion, and did not insist. She was todeliver a message from parties in town to the first guerrillas theymet, concerning the safest roads, and presently six met them, andentered into conversation. She told them of the proffered escort, whenone sprang forward crying, "Why didn't you accept, Miss? The next time, _ask_ for one, and if it is at all disagreeable to you, _I_ am the veryman to rid you of such an inconvenience! I'll see that you are notannoyed long. " I am glad it was not sent; she would have reproachedherself with murder forever after. I wonder if the General would haverisked it?

 BATON ROUGE, June 3d. 

Well! Day before yesterday, I almost vowed I would not return, and lastevening I reached here. Verily, consistency, thou art a jewel! Idetermined to get to town to lay both sides of the question beforemother; saving home and property, by remaining, thereby cuttingourselves off forever from the boys and dying of yellow fever; orflying to Mississippi, losing all save our lives. So as Mrs. Brunot waspanic-stricken and determined to die in town rather than be starved atGreenwell, and was going in on the same wagon that came out the nightbefore, I got up with her and Nettie, and left Greenwell at tenyesterday morning, bringing nothing except this old book, which I wouldrather not lose, as it has been an old and kind friend during thesedays of trouble. At first, I avoided all mention of political affairs, but now there is nothing else to be thought of; if it is not burnt fortreason, I will like to look it over some day--if I live. I leftGreenwell, without ever looking around it, beyond one walk to thehotel, so I may say I hardly know what it looks like. Miriam stayed, much against her will, I fear, to bring in our trunks, if I could senda wagon. 

A guerrilla picket stopped us before we had gone a mile, and seemeddisposed to turn us back. We said we must pass; our all was at stake. They then entreated us not to enter, saying it was not safe. I asked ifthey meant to burn it; "We will help try it, " was the answer. I beggedthem to delay the experiment until we could get away. One waved his hatto me and said he would fight for me. Hope he will--at a distance. Theyasked if we had no protectors; "None, " we said. "Don't go, then"; andthey all looked so sorry for us. We said we must; starvation, andanother panic awaited us out there, our brothers were fighting, ourfathers dead; we had only our own judgment to rely on, and that told ushome was the best place for us; if the town must burn, let us burn inour houses, rather than be murdered in the woods. They looked stillmore sorry, but still begged us not to remain. We would, though, andone young boy called out as we drove off, "What's the name of thatyoung lady who refused the escort?" I told him, and they too expressedthe greatest regret that she had not accepted. We met many on the road, nearly all of whom talked to us, and as they were most respectful intheir manner (though they saw us in a mule team!), we gave them all theinformation we could, which was all news to them, though very little. Such a ride in the hot sun, perched up in the air! One of the servantsremarked, "Miss Sarah ain't ashamed to ride in a wagon!" With truth Ireplied, "No, I was never so high before. "

Two miles from home we met the first Federal pickets, and then theygrew more numerous, until we came on a large camp near our graveyard, filled with soldiers and cannon. From first to last none refrained fromlaughing at us; not aloud, but they would grin and be inwardlyconvulsed with laughter as we passed. One laughed so comically that Idropped my veil hastily for fear he would see me smile. I could nothelp it; if any one smiled at me while I was dying, I believe I wouldreturn it. We passed crowds, for it was now five o'clock, and allseemed to be promenading. There were several officers standing at thecorner, near our house, who were very much amused at our vehicle. I didnot feel like smiling then. After reducing us to riding in a mule team, they were heartless enough to laugh! I forgot them presently, and gavemy whole attention to getting out respectably. Now getting _in_ a wagonis bad enough; but getting out--! I hardly know how I managed it. I hadfully three feet to step down before reaching the wheel; once there, the driver picked me up and set me on the pavement. The net I hadgathered my hair in, fell in my descent, and my hair swept down halfwaybetween my knee and ankle in one stream. As I turned to get my littlebundle, the officers had moved their position to one directly oppositeto me, where they could examine me at leisure. Queens used to ridedrawn by oxen hundreds of years ago, so I played this was old times, the mules were oxen, I a queen, and stalked off in a style I amsatisfied would have imposed on Juno herself. When I saw them as Iturned, they were perfectly quiet; but Nettie says up to that momentthey had been in convulsions of laughter, with their handkerchiefs totheir faces. It was not polite!

I found mother safe, but the house was in the most horrible confusion. Jimmy's empty cage stood by the door; it had the same effect on me thatempty coffins produce on others. Oh, my birdie! At six, I could nolonger stand my hunger. I had fasted for twelve hours, with theexception of a mouthful of hoe-cake at eleven; I that never fasted inmy life!--except last Ash Wednesday when Lydia and I tried it forbreakfast, and got so sick we were glad to atone for it at dinner. So Igot a little piece of bread and corn beef from Mrs. Daigre's servant, for there was not a morsel here, and I did not know where or what tobuy. Presently some kind friend sent me a great short-cake, a dish ofstrawberry preserves, and some butter, which I was grateful for, forthe fact that the old negro was giving me part of her supper made merather sparing, though she cried, "Eat it all, honey! I get plentymore!"

Mother went to Cousin Will's, and I went to Mrs. Brunot's to sleep, andso ended my first day's ride on a mule team. Bah! A lady can makeanything respectable by the way she does it! What do I care if I hadbeen driving mules? Better that than walk seventeen miles. 

I met Dr. DuChêne and Dr. Castleton twice each, this morning. They wereas kind to me as they were to the girls the other day. The latter savedthem a disagreeable visit, while here. He and those three were packingsome things in the hall, when two officers passed, and prepared to comein, seeing three good-looking girls seemingly alone, for Miriam's dresshid Dr. Castleton as he leaned over the box. Just then she moved, theDoctor raised his head, and the officers started back with an "Ah!" ofsurprise. The Doctor called them as they turned away, and asked for apass for the young ladies. They came back bowing and smiling, said theywould write one in the house, but they were told very dryly that therewere no writing accommodations there. They tried the fascinating, andwere much mortified by the coldness they met. Dear me! "Why wasn't Iborn old and ugly?" Suppose I should unconsciously entrap somemagnificent Yankee! What an awful thing it would be!!

Sentinels are stationed at every corner; Dr. Castleton piloted mesafely through one expedition; but on the next, we had to part company, and I passed through a crowd of at least fifty, alone. They wereplaying cards in the ditch, and swearing dreadfully, these piousYankees; many were marching up and down, some sleeping on the pavement, others--picking odious bugs out of each other's heads! I thought of theguerrillas, yellow fever, and all, and wished they were all safe athome with their mothers and sisters, and we at peace again. 

What a day I have had! Here mother and I are alone, not a servant onthe lot. We will sleep here to-night, and I know she will be toonervous to let me sleep. The dirt and confusion were extraordinary inthe house. I could not stand it, so I applied myself to making itbetter. I actually swept two whole rooms! I ruined my hands atgardening, so it made no difference. I replaced piles of books, crockery, china, that Miriam had left packed for Greenwell; Idiscovered I could empty a dirty hearth, dust, move heavy weights, makemyself generally useful and dirty, and all this is thanks to theYankees! Poor me! This time last year I thought I would never walkagain! If I am not laid up forever after the fatigue of this last week, I shall always maintain I have a Constitution. But it all seems nothingin this confusion; everything is almost as bad as ever. Besides that, Ihave been flying around to get Miriam a wagon. I know she is halfdistracted at being there alone. Mother chose staying with all itsevils. Charlie's life would pay the penalty of a cotton burner if hereturned, so Lilly remains at Greenwell with him. We three will get onas best we can here. I wrote to the country to get a wagon, sent a passfrom Headquarters, but I will never know if it reached her until I seeher in town. I hope it will; I would be better satisfied with Miriam. 

 June 4th. 

Miriam and Mattie drove in, in the little buggy, last evening aftersunset, to find out what we were to do. Our condition is desperate. Beauregard is about attacking these Federals. They say he is comingfrom Corinth, and the fight will be in town. If true, we are lostagain. Starvation at Greenwell, fever and bullets here, will put an endto us soon enough. There is no refuge for us, no one to consult. Brother, whose judgment we rely on as implicitly as we did on father's, we hear has gone to New York; there is no one to advise or direct us, for, if he is gone, there is no man in Louisiana whose decision I wouldblindly abide by. Let us stay and die. We can only die once; we cansuffer a thousand deaths with suspense and uncertainty; the shortest isthe best. Do you think the few words here can give an idea of our agonyand despair? Nothing can express it. I feel a thousand years oldto-day. I have shed the bitterest tears to-day that I have shed sincefather died. I can't stand it much longer; I'll give way presently, andI know my heart will break. Shame! Where is God? A fig for yourreligion, if it only lasts while the sun shines! "Better days arecoming"--I can't!

Troops are constantly passing and repassing. They have scoured thecountry for ten miles out, in search of guerrillas. We are here withoutservants, clothing, or the bare necessaries of life: suppose theyshould seize them on the way! I procured a pass for the wagon, but itnow seems doubtful if I can get the latter--a very faint chance. Well!let them go; our home next; then we can die sure enough. With God'shelp, I can stand anything yet in store for me. "I hope to dieshouting, the Lord will provide!" Poor Lavinia! if she could only seeus! I am glad she does not know our condition. 

 5 P. M. 

What a day of agony, doubt, uncertainty, and despair! Heaven save mefrom another such! Every hour fresh difficulties arose, until I believewe were almost crazy, every one of us. 

As Miriam was about stepping in the buggy, to go to Greenwell to bringin our trunks, mother's heart misgave her, and she decided to sacrificeher property rather than remain in this state any longer. After adesperate discussion which proved that each argument was death, shedecided to go back to Greenwell and give up the keys of the house toGeneral Williams, and let him do as he pleased, rather than have itbroken open during her absence. Mattie and Mr. Tunnard were present atthe discussion, which ended by the latter stepping in the buggy anddriving Miriam to the Garrison. General Williams called her by name, and asked her about Major Drum. It seems all these people, native andforeign, know us, while we know none. Miriam told him our condition, how our brothers were away, father dead, and mother afraid to remain, yet unwilling to lose her property by going away; how we three werealone and unprotected here, but would remain rather than have our homeconfiscated. He assured her the house should not be touched, that itwould be respected in our absence as though we were in it, and he wouldplace a sentinel at the door to guard it against his own men who mightbe disposed to enter. The latter she declined, but he said he wouldsend his aide to mark the house, that it might be known. A moment afterthey got back, the aide, Mr. Biddle (I have his name to so many passesthat I know it now), came to the door. Mr. Tunnard left him there, uncertain how we would receive a Christian, and I went out and askedhim in. He looked uncertain of his reception, too, when we put an endto his doubt by treating him as we invariably treat gentlemen whoappear such. He behaved remarkably well under the trying circumstances, and insisted on a sentinel; for, he said, though they would respect theproperty, there were many bad characters among the soldiers who mightattempt to rob it, and the sentinel would protect it. After a visit often minutes, devoted exclusively to the affair, he arose and took hisleave, leaving me under the impression that he was a gentleman whereverhe came from, even if there were a few grammatical errors in the passhe wrote me yesterday; but "thou that judgest another, dost thou sin?"

Well, now we say, fly to Greenwell. Yes! and by to-night, a mostexaggerated account of the whole affair will be spread over the wholecountry, and we will be equally suspected by our own people. Those whospread useless falsehoods about us will gladly have a foundation for amonstrous one. Didn't Camp Moore ring with the story of ourentertaining the Federal officers? Didn't they spread the report thatMiriam danced with one to the tune of "Yankee Doodle" in the StateHouse garden? What will they stop at now? O! if I was only a man, andknew what to do!

[Illustration: MIRIAM MORGAN]

 Night. 

We were so distressed by the false position in which we would be placedby a Federal sentinel, that we did not know what course to pursue. Asall our friends shook their heads and said it was dangerous, we knewfull well what our enemies would say. If we win Baton Rouge, as I praywe will, they will say we asked protection from Yankees against our ownmen, are consequently traitors, and our property will be confiscated byour own Government. To decline General Williams's kind offer exposesthe house to being plundered. In our dilemma, we made up our minds tostay, so we could say the sentinel was unnecessary. 

Presently a file of six soldiers marched to the gate, an officer cameto the steps and introduced himself as Colonel McMillan, of 21stIndiana Volunteers. He asked if this was Mrs. Morgan's; the General hadordered a guard placed around the house; he would suggest placing themin different parts of the yard. "Madam, the pickets await your orders. "Miriam in a desperate fright undertook to speak for mother, and askedif he thought there was any necessity. No, but it was an additionalsecurity, he said. "Then, if no actual necessity, we will relieve youof the disagreeable duty, as we expect to remain in town, " she said. Hewas very kind, and discussed the whole affair with us, saying when wemade up our minds to leave, --we told him after we could not decide, --towrite him word, and he would place a guard around to prevent his menand the negroes from breaking in. It was a singular situation: ourbrothers off fighting them, while these Federal officers leaned overour fence, and an officer standing on our steps offered to protect us. These people are certainly very kind to us. General Williams especiallymust be a dear old gentleman; he is so good. 

How many good, and how many mean people these troubles have shown us! Iam beginning to see my true friends, now; there is a large number ofthem, too. Everybody from whom we least expected attention hasagreeably surprised us.... 

General Williams will believe we are insane from our changing so often. 

His guard positively refused. 

 June 5th. 

Last night I determined to stay. Miriam went after our trunks atdaylight. A few hours after, Lilly wrote we must go back. McClellan'sarmy was cut to pieces and driven back to Maryland, by Jackson; theFederals were being driven into the swamp from Richmond, too. Beauregard is undoubtedly coming to attack Baton Rouge; his fire wouldburn the town, if the gunboats do not; the Yankees will shell, at allevents, if forced to retire. It cannot stand. We can't go to NewOrleans. Butler says he will lay it in ashes if he is forced toevacuate it, from yellow fever or other causes. Both must be burned. Greenwell is not worth the powder it would cost, so we must stand thechance of murder and starvation there, rather than the certainty ofbeing placed between two fires here. Well, I see nothing but bloodshedand beggary staring us in the face. Let it come. "I hope to dieshouting, the Lord will provide. "

 June 6th. 

We dined at Mrs. Brunot's yesterday, and sitting on the gallery later, had the full benefit of a Yankee drill. They stopped in front of thehouse and went through some very curious manoeuvres, and then marchedout to their drill-ground beyond. In returning, the whole regiment drewup directly before us, and we were dreadfully quiet for five minutes, the most uncomfortable I have experienced for some time. For it wasabsurd to look at the sky, and I looked in vain for one man withdowncast eyes whereon I might rest mine; but from the officers down tothe last private, they were all looking at us. I believe I would havecried with embarrassment if the command had not been given at thatmoment. They drilled splendidly, and knew it, too, so went through itas though they had not been at it for an hour before. One conceited, red-headed lieutenant smiled at us in the most fascinating way; perhapshe smiled to think how fine he was, and what an impression he wasmaking. 

We got back to our solitary house before twilight, and were sitting onthe balcony, when Mr. Biddle entered. He came to ask if the guard hadbeen placed here last night. It seems to me it would have saved himsuch a long walk if he had asked Colonel McMillan. He sat down, though, and got talking in the moonlight, and people passing, some citizens, some officers, looked wonderingly at this unheard-of occurrence. Iwon't be rude to any one in my own house, Yankee or Southern, say whatthey will. He talked a great deal, and was very entertaining; whattempted him, I cannot imagine. It was two hours before he thought ofleaving. He was certainly very kind. He spoke of the scarcity of flourin town; said they had quantities at the Garrison, and asked permissionto send us a barrel, which of course we refused. It showed a very goodheart, though. He offered to take charge of any letters I would write;said he had heard General Williams speak of Harry; and when he at lastleft, I was still more pleased with him for this kindness to us. Hesays Captain Huger is dead. I am very, very much distressed. They arerelated, he says. He talked so reasonably of the war, that it was quitea novelty after reading the abusive newspapers of both sides. I likehim, and was sorry I could not ask him to repeat his visit. We areunaccustomed to treat gentlemen that way; but it won't do in thepresent state to act as we please. Mob governs. 

Mother kept me awake all night to listen to the mice in the garret. Every time I would doze she would ask, "What's that?" and insist thatthe mice were men. I had to get up and look for an imaginary host, so Iam tired enough this morning. 

Miriam has just got in with all the servants, our baggage is on theway, so we will be obliged to stay whether we will or no. I don't care;it is all the same, starve or burn. Oh! I forgot. Mr. Biddle did _not_write that pass! It was his clerk. He speaks _very_ grammatically, sofar as I can judge!!

 June 8th, Sunday. 

These people mean to kill us with kindness. There is such a thing asbeing too kind. Yesterday General Williams sent a barrel of flour tomother, accompanied by a note begging her to accept it "inconsideration of the present condition of the circulating currency, "and the intention was so kind, the way it was done so delicate, thatthere was no refusing it. I had to write her thanks, and got in aviolent fit of the "trembles" at the idea of writing to a stranger. Oneconsolation is, that I am not a very big fool, for it took only threelines to prove myself one. If I had been a thundering big one, I wouldhave occupied two pages to show myself fully. And to think it is out ofour power to prove them our appreciation of the kindness we haveuniversally met with! Many officers were in church this morning, and asthey passed us while we waited for the door to be opened, GeneralWilliams bowed profoundly, another followed his example; we returnedthe salute, of course. But by to-morrow, those he did not bow to willcry treason against us. Let them howl. I am tired of lies, scandal, anddeceit. All the loudest gossips have been frightened into the country, but enough remain to keep them well supplied with town talk.... It issuch a consolation to turn to the dear good people of the world aftercoming in contact with such cattle. Here, for instance, is Mr. Bonnecase on whom we have not the slightest claims. Every day since wehave been here, he has sent a great pitcher of milk, knowing our cow isout; one day he sent rice, the next sardines, yesterday two bottles ofPort and Madeira, which cannot be purchased in the whole South. What aduck of an old man! That is only one instance. 

 June 10th. 

This morning while I was attending to my flowers ... Several soldiersstopped in front of me, and holding on the fence, commenced to talkabout some brave Colonel, and a shooting affair last night. When allhad gone except one who was watching me attentively, as he seemed towish to tell me, I let him go ahead. The story was that ColonelMcMillan was shot through the shoulder, breast, and liver, by threeguerrillas while four miles from town last night, on a scout. He was aquarter of a mile from his own men at the time, killed one who shothim, took the other two prisoners, and fell from his horse himself, when he got within the lines. The soldier said these two guerrillaswould probably be hanged, while the six we saw pass captives, Sunday, would probably be sent to Fort Jackson for life. I think the guerrillaaffair mere murder, I confess; but what a dreadful fate for these youngmen! One who passed Sunday was Jimmy's schoolmate, a boy of sixteen;another, Willie Garig, the pet of a whole family of good, honestcountry people.... 

These soldiers will get in the habit of talking to me after a while, through my own fault. Yesterday I could not resist the temptation toask the fate of the six guerrillas, and stopped two volunteers who weregoing by, to ask them. They discussed the fate of the country, told meFort Pillow and Vicksburg were evacuated, the Mississippi opened fromsource to mouth; I told them of Banks's and McClellan's defeat; theyassured me it would all be over in a month, --which I fervently pray maybe so; told me they were from Michigan (one was Mr. Bee, he said, cousin of our General); and they would probably have talked all day ifI had not bowed myself away with thanks for their information. 

It made me ashamed to contrast the quiet, gentlemanly, liberal waythese volunteers spoke of us and our cause, with the rabid, fanatical, abusive violence of our own female Secession declaimers. Thank Heaven, I have never yet made my appearance as a Billingsgate orator on theseoccasions. All my violent feelings, which in moments of intenseexcitement were really violent, I have recorded in this book; I amhappy to say only the reasonable dislike to seeing my countrysubjugated has been confided to the public ear, when necessary; andthat even now, I confess that nothing but the reign of terror and grossprejudice by which I was surrounded at that time could justify manyexpressions I have here applied to them. Fact is, these people havedisarmed me by their kindness. I expected to be in a crowd of ruffiansoldiers, who would think nothing of cutting your throat or doinganything they felt like; and I find, among all these thousands, not onewho offers the slightest annoyance or disrespect. The former is thething as it is believed by the whole country, the latter the true stateof affairs. I admire foes who show so much consideration for ourfeelings. 

Contrast these with our volunteers from New Orleans--all gentlemen--whocame to take the Garrison from Major Haskins. Several of them passingour gate where we were standing with the Brunots, one exclaimed, "Whatpretty girls!" It was a stage aside that we were supposed not to hear. "Yes, " said another; "beautiful! but they look as though they could befast. " Fast! and we were not even speaking! not even looking at them!Sophie and I were walking presently, and met half a dozen. We had tostop to let them pass the crossing; they did not think of making wayfor us; No. 1 sighed--such a sigh! No. 2 followed, and so on, when theyall sighed in chorus for our edification, while we dared not raise oureyes from the ground. That is the time I would have made use of adagger. Two passed in a buggy, and trusting to our not recognizing themfrom the rapidity of their vehicle, kissed their hands to us until theywere out of sight! All went back to New Orleans vowing Baton Rouge hadthe prettiest girls in the world. These were our own people, the éliteof New Orleans, loyal Southerners and gentlemen. These Northerners passus satisfied with a simple glance; some take off their hats, for allthese officers know our name, though we may not know theirs; how, Ican't say. 

When I heard of Colonel McMillan's misfortune, mother conspired with meto send over some bandages, and something Tiche manufactured of flourunder the name of "nourishment, " for he is across the street atHeroman's. Miriam objected on account of what "our people" will say, and what we will suffer for it if the guerrillas reach town, but wepersuaded her we were right.... You can imagine our condition atpresent, many years hence, Sarah, when you reflect that it is thebrave, noble-hearted, generous Miriam who is afraid to do that deed onaccount of "public opinion, " which indeed is "down" on us. At Greenwellthey are frantic about our returning to town, and call us traitors, Yankees, and vow vengeance.... A lady said to me, "The guerrillas havea black list containing the names of those remaining in town. All themen are to be hanged, their houses burned, and all the women are to betarred and feathered. " I said, "Madam, if I believed them capable ofsuch a vile _threat_, even, much less the execution, I would see themcut down without a feeling of compassion" (which is not true), "andswear I was a Yankee rather than claim being a native of the samecountry with such brutes. " She has a long tongue; when I next hear ofit, it will be that _I_ told the story, and called them brutes andhoped they would be shot, etc. And so goes the world. No one will thinkof saying that I did not believe them guilty of the thought, even. Ourthree brothers may be sick or wounded at this minute; what I do forthis man, God will send some one to do for them, and with that belief Ido it.... 

 June 11th. 

Last evening mother and Miriam went to the Arsenal to see if they wouldbe allowed to do anything for the prisoners. General Williams receivedthem, and fascinated Miriam by his manner, as usual. Poor Miriam isalways being fascinated, according to her own account. He sent forlittle Nathan Castle and Willie Garig, and left them alone in the roomwith them, showing his confidence and delicacy by walking away. Thepoor young men were very grateful to be remembered; one had his eyestoo full of tears to speak. Mr. Garig told Miriam that when the storyof her refusing the escort was told in camp, the woods rang with shoutsof "Three cheers for Miss Morgan!" They said they were treated verywell, and had no want, except clean clothes, and to let their mothersknow they were well and content. 

I have been hard at work mending three or four suits of the boys'clothing for those poor young men. Some needed thread and needle verymuch, but it was the best we could do. So I packed them all up--notforgetting a row of pins--and sent Tiche off with the bundle, perchedreal Congo fashion on her many-colored head-handkerchief, which wastied in the most superb Creole style in honor of the occasion. 

 June 16th, Monday. 

My poor old diary comes to a very abrupt end, to my great distress. Thehardest thing in the world is to break off journalizing when you areonce accustomed to it, and mine has proved such a resource to me inthese dark days of trouble that I feel as though I were saying good-byeto an old and tried friend. Thanks to my liberal supply of pens, ink, and paper, how many inexpressibly dreary days I have filled up to myown satisfaction, if not to that of others! How many disagreeableaffairs it has caused me to pass over without another thought, how manytimes it has proved a relief to me where my tongue was forced to remainquiet! Without the blessed materials, I would have fallen victim todespair and "the Blues" long since; but they have kept my eyes fixed on"Better days a-coming" while slightly alluding to present woes; kept mefrom making a fool of myself many a day; acted as lightning rod to mymental thunder, and have made me happy generally. For all of which Icry, "Vivent pen, ink, and paper!" and add with regret, "Adieu, mymental Conductor. I fear this unchained lightning will strikesomewhere, in your absence!"

BOOK II

"I hope to die shouting, the Lord will provide!"

 Monday, June 16th, 1862. 

There is no use in trying to break off journalizing, particularly in"these trying times. " It has become a necessity to me. I believe Ishould go off in a rapid decline if Butler took it in his head toprohibit that among other things.... I reserve to myself the privilegeof writing my opinions, since I trouble no one with the expression ofthem.... I insist, that if the valor and chivalry of our men cannotsave our country, I would rather have it conquered by a brave race thanowe its liberty to the Billingsgate oratory and demonstrations of someof these "ladies. " If the women have the upper hand then, as they havenow, I would not like to live in a country governed by such tongues. DoI consider the female who could spit in a gentleman's face, merelybecause he wore United States buttons, as a fit associate for me?Lieutenant Biddle assured me he did not pass a street in New Orleanswithout being most grossly insulted by _ladies_. It was a friend of hisinto whose face a lady _spit_ as he walked quietly by without lookingat her. (Wonder if she did it to attract his attention?) He had thesense to apply to her husband and give him two minutes to apologize ordie, and of course he chose the former. [6] Such things are enough todisgust any one. "Loud" women, what a contempt I have for you! How Idespise your vulgarity!

 [6] This passage was later annotated by Mrs. Dawson as follows: "_Friend_ (Farragut). _Lady_ (I know her, alas!). _Husband_ (She had none!). "

Some of these Ultra-Secessionists, evidently very recently from "downEast, " who think themselves obliged to "kick up their heels over theBonny Blue Flag, " as Brother describes female patriotism, shriek out, "What! see those vile Northerners pass patiently! No true Southernercould see it without rage. I could kill them! I hate them with all mysoul, the murderers, liars, thieves, rascals! You are no Southerner ifyou do not hate them as much as I!" _Ah ça!_ a true-blue Yankee tellme that I, born and bred here, am no Southerner! I always think, "Itis well for you, my friend, to save your credit, else you might besuspected by some people, though your violence is enough for me. " Ialways say, "_You_ may do as you please; my brothers are fighting forme, and doing their duty, so that excess of patriotism is unnecessaryfor me, as my position is too well known to make any demonstrationsrequisite. "

This war has brought out wicked, malignant feelings that I did notbelieve could dwell in woman's heart. I see some of the holiest eyes, so holy one would think the very spirit of charity lived in them, andall Christian meekness, go off in a mad tirade of abuse and say, withthe holy eyes wondrously changed, "I hope God will send down plague, yellow fever, famine, on these vile Yankees, and that not one willescape death. " O, what unutterable horror that remark causes me asoften as I hear it! I think of the many mothers, wives, and sisters whowait as anxiously, pray as fervently in their faraway homes for theirdear ones, as we do here; I fancy them waiting day after day for thefootsteps that will never come, growing more sad, lonely, andheart-broken as the days wear on; I think of how awful it would be ifone would say, "Your brothers are dead"; how it would crush all lifeand happiness out of me; and I say, "God forgive these poor women! Theyknow not what they say!" O women! into what loathsome violence you haveabased your holy mission! God will punish us for our hard-heartedness. Not a square off, in the new theatre, lie more than a hundred sicksoldiers. What woman has stretched out her hand to save them, to givethem a cup of cold water? Where is the charity which should ignorenations and creeds, and administer help to the Indian and Heathenindifferently? Gone! All gone in Union versus Secession! _That_ is whatthe American War has brought us. If I was independent, if I could workmy own will without causing others to suffer for my deeds, I would notbe poring over this stupid page; I would not be idly reading or sewing. I would put aside woman's trash, take up woman's duty, and I wouldstand by some forsaken man and bid him Godspeed as he closes his dyingeyes. _That_ is woman's mission! and not Preaching and Politics. I sayI would, yet here I sit! O for liberty! the liberty that _dares_ dowhat conscience dictates, and scorns all smaller rules! If I could helpthese dying men! Yet it is as impossible as though I was a chainedbear. I can't put out my hand. I am threatened with Coventry because Isent a custard to a sick man who is in the army, and with the anathemaof society because I said if I could possibly do anything for Mr. Biddle--at a distance--(he is sick) I would like to very much. Charliethinks we have acted shockingly in helping Colonel McMillan, and thatwe will suffer for it when the Federals leave. I would like to see any_man_ who _dared_ harm my father's daughter! But as he seems to thinkour conduct reflects on him, there is no alternative. Die, poor men, without a woman's hand to close your eyes! We women are too _patriotic_to help you! I look eagerly on, cry in my soul, "I wish--"; you die;God judges me. Behold the woman who dares not risk private ties forGod's glory and her professed religion! Coward, helpless woman that Iam! If I was free--!

 June 17th. 

Yesterday, and day before, boats were constantly arriving and troopsembarking from here, destined for Vicksburg. There will be anotherfight, and of course it will fall. I wish Will was out of it; I don'twant him to die. I got the kindest, sweetest letter from Will whenMiriam came from Greenwell. It was given to her by a guerrilla on theroad who asked if she was not Miss Sarah Morgan. 

 June 18th. 

How long, O how long, is it since I have lain down in peace, thinking, "This night I will rest in safety"? Certainly not since the fall ofFort Jackson. If left to myself, I would not anticipate evil, but wouldquietly await the issue of all these dreadful events; but when I hearmen, who certainly should know better than I, express their belief thatin twenty-four hours the town will be laid in ashes, I begin to growuneasy, and think it must be so, since they say it. These last fewdays, since the news arrived of the intervention of the English andFrench, I have alternately risen and fallen from the depth of despairto the height of delight and expectation, as the probability of anotherexodus diminishes, and peace appears more probable. If these men wouldnot prophesy the burning of the city, I would be perfectlysatisfied.... 

Well! I packed up a few articles to satisfy my conscience, since thesemen insist that another run is inevitable, though against my ownconviction. I am afraid I was partly influenced by my dream last nightof being shelled out unexpectedly and flying without saving an article. It was the same dream I had a night or two before we fled soingloriously from Baton Rouge, when I dreamed of meeting Will Pinckneysuddenly, who greeted me in the most extraordinarily affectionatemanner, and told me that Vicksburg had fallen. He said he had beenchiefly to blame, and the Southerners were so incensed at his losing, the Northerners at his defending, that both were determined to hanghim; he was running for his life. He took me to a hill from which Icould see the Garrison, and the American flag flying over it. I looked, and saw we were standing in blood up to our knees, while here and thereghastly white bones shone above the red surface. Just then, below me Isaw crowds of people running. "What is it?" I asked. "It means that inanother instant they will commence to shell the town. Save yourself. ""But Will--I must save some clothes, too! How can I go among strangerswith a single dress? I _will_ get some!" I cried. He smiled and said, "You will run with only what articles you happen to have on. " Bang!went the first shell, the people rushed by with screams, and I awakenedto tell Miriam what an absurd dream I had had. It happened as Will hadsaid, either that same day or the day after; for the change of clotheswe saved apiece were given to Tiche, who lost sight of us and quietlycame home when all was over, and the two dirty skirts and old cloakmother saved, after carrying them a mile and a half, I put in the buggythat took her up; so I saved nothing except the bag that was tied undermy hoops. Will was right. I saved not even my powder-bag. (Tiche had itin the bundle. ) My handkerchief I gave mother before we had walkedthree squares, and throughout that long fearfully warm day, riding andwalking through the fiery sunshine and stifling dust, I had neither tocool or comfort me. 

 June 19th. 

Miriam and I have disgraced ourselves! This morning I was quietlyhearing Dellie's lessons, when I was startled by mother's shrieks of"Send for a guard--they've murdered him!" I saw through the window asoldier sitting in the road just opposite, with blood streaming fromhis hand in a great pool in the dust. I was downstairs in three bounds, and, snatching up some water, ran to where he sat alone, not a creaturenear, though all the inhabitants of our side of the street were lookingon from the balconies, all crying "Murder!" and "Help!" without movingthemselves. I poured some water on the man's bloody hand, as he held itstreaming with gore up to me, saying, "The man in there did it, "meaning the one who keeps the little grog-shop, though it puzzled me atthe time to see that all the doors were closed and not a face visible. I had hardly time to speak when Tiche called loudly to me to comeaway, --she was safe at the front gate, --and looking up, I found myselfin a knot of a dozen soldiers, and took her advice and retreated home. It proved to be the guard Miriam had roused. She ran out as I did, andseeing a gentleman, begged him to call the guard for that murdered man. The individual--he must have been a "patriot"--said he didn't knowwhere to find one. She cried out they were at Heroman's; he said hedidn't believe they were. "Go! I tell you!" she screamed at last; butthe brave man said he didn't like to, so she ran to the corner andcalled the soldiers herself. O most brave man! Before we got back fromour several expeditions, we heard mother, Lilly, Mrs. Day, allshouting, "Bring in the children! lock the doors!" etc. All for a poorwounded soldier!

We after discovered that the man was drunk, and had cursed the woman ofthe grog-shop, whereupon her husband had pitched him out in the street, where they found him. They say he hurt his hand against a post; butwood could never have cut deep enough to shed all that gore. I don'tcare if he was drunk or sober, soldier or officer, Federal orConfederate! If he had been Satan himself lying helpless and bleedingin the street, I would have gone to him! I can't believe it was ascriminal as though I had watched quietly from a distance, believing himdying and contenting myself with looking on. Yet it seems it wasdreadfully indecorous; Miriam and I did very wrong; we should haveshouted murder with the rest of the women and servants. Whereas the manwho declined committing himself by calling one soldier to the rescue ofanother, supposed to be dying, acted most discreetly, and showed hiswisdom in the most striking manner. 

May I never be discreet, or wise, if this is Christian conduct, or asample of either! I would rather be a rash, impetuous fool! Charliesays he would not open his mouth to save a dozen from being murdered. Isay I am not Stoic enough for that. Lilly agrees with him, Miriam withme; so here we two culprits stand alone before the tribunal of"patriotism. " Madame Roland, I take the liberty of altering your wordsand cry, "O Patriotism! How many base deeds are sanctioned by yourname!" Don't I wish I was a heathen! In twenty-four hours the wholecountry will be down on us. 

 O for a pen to paint the slaves Whose "country" like a deadly blight Closes all hearts when Pity craves And turns God's spirit to darkest night! May life's patriotic cup for such Be filled with glory overmuch; And when their spirits go above in pride, Spirit of Patriotism, let these valiant abide Full in the sight of grand mass-meeting--I don't Want you to cuss them, But put them where they can hear politics, And yet can't discuss them!

(I can't say worse than that!)

 June 26th. 

Yesterday morning, just as I stepped out of bed I heard the report offour cannon fired in rapid succession, and everybody asked everybodyelse, "Did you hear that?" so significantly, that I must say my heartbeat very rapidly for a few moments, at the thought of anotherstampede. At half-past six this morning I was wakened by anotherreport, followed by seven others, and heard again the question, "Didyou hear _that_?" on a higher key than yesterday. --It did not take memany minutes to get out of bed, and to slip on a few articles, Iconfess. My chief desire was to wash my face before running, if theywere actually shelling us again. It appears that they were onlypracticing, however, and no harm was intended. But we are living onsuch a volcano, that, not knowing what to expect, we are rathernervous. 

I am afraid this close confinement will prove too much for me; my longwalks are cut off, on account of the soldiers. One month to-morrowsince my last visit to the graveyard! That haunts me always; it must beso dreary out there! Here is a sketch of my daily life, enough tofinish me off forever, if much longer persisted in. 

First, get up a little before seven. After breakfast, which isgenerally within a few minutes after I get down (it used to be _just_as I got ready, and sometimes before, last winter), I attend to mygarden, which consists of two strips of ground the length of the house, in front, where I can find an hour's work in examining and admiring myflowers, replanting those that the cows and horses occasionally (once aday) pull up for me, and in turning the soil over and over again to seewhich side grows best. O my garden! abode of rare delights! how manypleasant hours I have passed in you, armed with scissors, knife, hoe, or rake, only pausing when Mr. This or Mr. That leaned over the fenceto have a talk!--last spring, that was; ever so many are dead now, forall I know, and all off at the war. Now I work for the edification ofproper young women, who look in astonishment at me, as they wouldconsider themselves degraded by the pursuit. A delicate pair of handsmy flower mania will leave me!

Then I hear Dellie's and Morgan's lessons, after which I open my deskand am lost in the mysteries of Arithmetic, Geography, Blair'sLectures, Noël et Chapsal, Ollendorff, and reading aloud in French andEnglish, besides writing occasionally in each, and sometimes a peep atLavoisne, until very nearly dinner. The day is not half long enough forme. Many things I would like to study I am forced to give up, for wantof leisure to devote to them. But one of these days, I will make up forpresent deficiencies. I study only what I absolutely love, now; butthen, if I can, I will study what I am at present ignorant of, andcultivate a taste for something new. 

The few moments before dinner, and all the time after, I devote towriting, sewing, knitting, etc. , and if I included darning, repairs, alterations, etc. , my list would be tremendous, for I get through witha great deal of sewing. Somewhere in the day, I find half an hour, ormore, to spend at the piano. Before sunset I dress, and am free tospend the evening at home, or else walk to Mrs. Brunot's, for it is notsafe to go farther than those three squares, away from home. From earlytwilight until supper, Miriam and I sing with the guitar, generally, and after, sit comfortably under the chandelier and read until aboutten. What little reading I do, is almost exclusively done at that time. It sounds woefully little, but my list of books grows to quite arespectable size, in the course of a year. 

At ten comes my Bible class for the servants. Lucy, Rose, Nancy, andDophy assemble in my room, and hear me read the Bible, or stories fromthe Bible for a while. Then one by one say their prayers--they cannotbe persuaded to say them together; Dophy says "she can't say with Rose, 'cause she ain't got no brothers and sisters to pray for, " and Lucy hasno father or mother, and so they go. All difficulties and grievancesduring the day are laid before me, and I sit like Moses judging thechildren of Israel, until I can appease the discord. Sometimes it isnot so easy. For instance, that memorable night when I had to workRose's stubborn heart to a proper pitch of repentance for havingstabbed a carving-fork in Lucy's arm in a fit of temper. I don't knowthat I was ever as much astonished as I was at seeing the dogged, sullen girl throw herself on the floor in a burst of tears, and say ifGod would forgive her she would never do it again. I was lashing myselfinternally for not being able to speak as I should, furious at myselffor talking so weakly, and lo! here the girl tumbles over wailing andweeping! And Dophy, overcome by her feelings, sobs, "Lucy, I scratchedyou last week! please forgive me this once!" And amazed and bewilderedI look at the touching tableau before me of kissing and reconciliation, for Lucy can bear malice toward no one, and is ready to forgive beforeothers repent, and I look from one to the other, wondering what it wasthat upset them so completely, for certainly no words of mine causedit. Sometimes Lucy sings a wild hymn, "Did you ever hear the heavenbells ring?" "Come, my loving brothers, " "When I put on my starrycrown, " etc. ; and after some such scene as that just described, it ispleasant to hear them going out of the room saying, "Good-night, MissSarah!" "God bless Miss Sarah!" and all that. 

 June 27th. 

A proclamation of Van Dorn has just been smuggled into town, thatadvises all persons living within eight miles of the Mississippi toremove into the interior, as he is determined to defend his departmentat all hazards to the last extremity. Does not look like the Peace Ihave been deluding myself with, does it? That means another Exodus. Howare we to leave, when we are not allowed to pass the limits of thecorporation by the Federals? Where are we to go? We are between the twoarmies, and here we must remain patiently awaiting the result. Some ofthese dark nights, bang! we will hear the cannon, and then it will be_sauve qui peut_ in a shower of shells. Bah! I don't believe God willsuffer that we should be murdered in such a dreadful way! I don'tbelieve He will suffer us to be turned homeless and naked on the world!"Something will turn up" before we are attacked, and we will be spared, I am certain. We can't look forward more than an hour at a time now, sometimes not a minute ahead (witness the shelling frolic), so I mustresume my old habit of laying a clean dress on my bed before going tosleep, which I did every night for six weeks before the shelling ofBaton Rouge, in order to run respectably, as muslin cross-barnightgowns are not suitable for day dresses. 

 June 28th. 

I am afraid I shall be nervous when the moment of the bombardmentactually arrives. This suspense is not calculated to soothe one'snerves. A few moments since, a salute was fired in honor of GeneralButler's arrival, when women, children, and servants rushed to thefront of the houses, confident of a repetition of the shelling whichoccurred a month ago to-day. The children have not forgotten the scene, for they all actually howled with fear. Poor little Sarah stopped herscreams to say, "Mother, don't you wish we was dogs 'stead o' whitefolks?" in such piteous accents that we had to laugh. _Don't_ I wish Iwas a dog! Sarah is right. I don't know if I showed my uneasiness awhile ago, but certainly my heart has hardly yet ceased beating ratherrapidly. If I knew what moment to expect the stampede, I would notmind; but this way--to expect it every instant--it is too much! Again, if I knew where we could go for refuge from the shells!--

 * * * * *

A window banging unexpectedly just then gave me a curious twinge; notthat I thought it was the signal, oh, dear, no! I just thought--what, Iwonder? Pshaw! "Picayune Butler's coming, coming" has upset my nervoussystem. He interrupted me in the middle of my arithmetic; and I havenot the energy to resume my studies. I shall try what effect an hour'spractice will have on my spirits, and will see that I have a pair ofclean stockings in my stampede sack, and that the fastenings of my"running-bag" are safe. Though if I expect to take either, I shouldkeep in harness constantly. How long, O Lord! how long?

 June 29th, Sunday. 

"Any more, Mr. Lincoln, any more?" Can't you leave our racked homes inrepose? We are all wild. Last night, five citizens were arrested, on nocharge at all, and carried down to Picayune Butler's ship. What athrill of terror ran through the whole community! We all felt sohelpless, so powerless under the hand of our tyrant, the man who sworeto uphold the Constitution and the laws, who is professedly onlyfighting to give us all Liberty, the birthright of every American, andwho, nevertheless, has ground us down to a state where we would notreduce our negroes, who tortures and sneers at us, and rules us with aniron hand! Ah! Liberty! what a humbug! I would rather belong to Englandor France, than to the North! Bondage, woman that I am, I can neverstand! Even now, the Northern papers, distributed among us, taunt uswith our subjection and tell us "how coolly Butler will grind themdown, paying no regard to their writhing and torture beyond tighteningthe bonds still more!" Ah, truly! this is the bitterness of slavery, tobe insulted and reviled by cowards who are safe at home and enjoy theprotection of the laws, while we, captive and overpowered, dare notraise our voices to throw back the insult, and are governed by thedespotism of one man, whose word is our law! And that man, they tellus, "is the right man in the right place. _He_ will develop a Unionsentiment among the people, if the thing can be done!" Come and see ifhe can! Hear the curse that arises from thousands of hearts at thatman's name, and say if he will "speedily bring us to our senses. " Willhe accomplish it by love, tenderness, mercy, compassion? He might havedone it; but did he try? When he came, he assumed his natural rôle astyrant, and bravely has he acted it through, never once turning asidefor Justice or Mercy.... This degradation is worse than the bitternessof death!

I see no salvation on either side. No glory awaits the SouthernConfederacy, even if it does achieve its independence; it will be amere speck in the world, with no weight or authority. The Northconfesses itself lost without us, and has paid an unheard-of ransom toregain us. On the other hand, conquered, what hope is there in thisworld for us? Broken in health and fortune, reviled, contemned, abusedby those who claim already to have subdued us, without a prospect offuture support for those few of our brothers who return; outcastswithout home or honor, would not death or exile be preferable? Oh, letus abandon our loved home to these implacable enemies, and find refugeelsewhere! Take from us property, everything, only grant us liberty! Isthis rather frantic, considering I abhor politics, and women who meddlewith them, above all? My opinion has not yet changed; I still feel thesame contempt for a woman who would talk at the top of her voice forthe edification of Federal officers, as though anxious to receive aninvitation requesting her presence at the Garrison. "I can suffer andbe still" as far as outward signs are concerned; but as no word of thishas passed my lips, I give it vent in writing, which is more lastingthan words, partly to relieve my heart, partly to prove to my ownsatisfaction that I am no coward; for one line of this, surrounded aswe are by soldiers, and liable to have our houses searched at anyinstant, would be a sufficient indictment for high treason. 

Under General Williams's rule, I was perfectly satisfied that whateverwas done, was done through necessity, and under orders fromHeadquarters, beyond his control; we all liked him. But now, sinceButler's arrival, I believe I am as frantic in secret as the others areopenly. I know that war sanctions many hard things, and that both sidespractice them; but now we are so completely lost in Louisiana, is itfair to gibe and taunt us with our humiliation? I could stand anythingsave the cowardly ridicule and triumph of their papers. Honestly, Ibelieve if all vile abusive papers on both sides were suppressed, andsome of the fire-eating editors who make a living by lying were soundlycowhided or had their ears clipped, it would do more towardsestablishing peace, than all the bloodshedding either side can afford. I hope to live to see it, too. Seems to me, more liberty is allowed tothe press than would be tolerated in speech. Let us speak as freely asany paper, and see if to-morrow we do not sleep at Fort Jackson!

This morning the excitement is rare; fifteen more citizens werearrested and carried off, and all the rest grew wild with expectation. So great a martyrdom is it considered, that I am sure those who are notarrested will be woefully disappointed. It is ludicrous to see how eachman thinks he is the very one they are in search of! We asked atwopenny lawyer, of no more importance in the community than Dophy is, if it was possible he was not arrested. "But I am expecting to be everyinstant!" So much for his self-assurance! Those arrested have, some, been quietly released (those are so smiling and mysterious that Isuspect them), some been obliged to take the oath, some sent to FortJackson. Ah, Liberty! What a blessing it is to enjoy thy privileges! Ifsome of these poor men are not taken prisoners, they will die ofmortification at the slight. 

Our valiant Governor, the brave Moore, has by order of the realGovernor, Moïse, made himself visible at some far-distant point, andissued a proclamation, saying, whereas we of Baton Rouge were heldforcibly in town, he therefore considered men, women, and childrenprisoners of war, and as such the Yankees are bound to supply us withall necessaries, and consequently any one sending us aid or comfort orprovisions from the country will be severely punished. Only Moore isfool enough for such an order. Held down by the Federals, our papermoney so much trash, with hardly any other to buy food and no way ofearning it; threatened with starvation and utter ruin, our own friends, by way of making our burden lighter, forbid our receiving the means ofprolonging life, and after generously warning us to leave town, whichthey know is perfectly impossible, prepare to burn it over our heads, and let the women run the same risk as the men. Penned in on one littlesquare mile, here we await our fate like sheep in the slaughter-pen. Our hour may be at hand now, it may be to-night; we have only to wait;the booming of the cannon will announce it to us soon enough. 

Of the six sentenced to Fort Jackson, one is the Methodist minister, Mr. Craven. The only charge is, that he was heard to pray for theConfederate States by some officers who passed his house during hisfamily prayers. According to that, which of us would escape unhung? Ido not believe there is a woman in the land who closes her eyes beforepraying for God's blessing on the side on which her brothers areengaged. Are we all to cease? Show me the dungeon deep enough to keepme from praying for them! The man represented that he had a largefamily totally dependent on him, who must starve. "Let them get up asubscription, " was General Butler's humane answer. "I will head itmyself. " It is useless to say the generous offer was declined. 

 June 30th. 

As a specimen of the humanity of General Butler, let me record a threatof his uttered with all the force and meaning language can convey, andcertainly enough to strike terror in the hearts of frail women, sinceall these men believe him fully equal to carry it into execution; someeven believe it will be done. In speaking to Mr. Solomon Benjamin offoreign intervention in our favor, he said, "Let England or France tryit, and I'll be ---- if I don't arm every negro in the South, and makethem cut the throat of every man, woman, and child in it! I'll makethem lay the whole country waste with fire and sword, and leave itdesolate!" Draw me a finer picture of Coward, Brute, or Bully than thatone sentence portrays! O men of the North! you do your noble heartswrong in sending such ruffians among us as the representatives of agreat people! Was ever a more brutal thought uttered in a more brutalway? Mother, like many another, is crazy to go away from here, even toNew Orleans; but like the rest, will be obliged to stand and await herfate. I don't believe Butler would _dare_ execute his threat, for atthe first attempt, thousands, who are passive now, would cut the brutalheart from his inhuman breast. 

 Tuesday, July 1st. 

I heard such a good joke last night! If I had belonged to the femaledeclaiming club, I fear me I would have resigned instantly through mereterror. (Thank Heaven, I don't!) These officers say the women talk toomuch, which is undeniable. They then said, they meant to get up asewing society, and place in it every woman who makes herselfconspicuous by her loud talking about them. Fancy what a refinement oftorture! But only a few would suffer; the majority would be only toohappy to enjoy the usual privilege of sewing societies, slander, abuse, and insinuations. How some would revel in it. The mere threat makes mequake! If I could so far forget my dignity, and my father's name, as tocourt the notice of gentlemen by contemptible insult, etc. , and if Ishould be ordered to take my seat at the sewing society--!!! I wouldnever hold my head up again! Member of a select sewing circle! Fancyme! (I know "there is never any _gossip_ in _our_ society, though theone over the way gets up dreadful reports"; I have heard all that, butwould rather try neither. ) Oh, how I would beg and plead! Fifty yearsat Fort Jackson, good, kind General Butler, rather than half an hour inyour sewing society! Gentle, humane ruler, spare me and I split mythroat in shouting "Yankee Doodle" and "Hurrah for Lincoln!" Any, everything, so I am not disgraced! Deliver me from your sewing society, andI'll say and do what you please!

Butler told some of these gentlemen that he had a detective watchingalmost every house in town, and he knew everything. True or not, itlooks suspicious. We are certainly watched. Every evening two men maybe seen in the shadow on the other side of the street, standing thereuntil ever so late, sometimes until after we have gone to bed. It maybe that, far from home, they are attracted by the bright light andsinging, and watch us for their amusement. A few nights ago, so manyofficers passed and repassed while we were singing on the balcony, thatI felt as though our habit of long standing had suddenly becomeimproper. Saturday night, having secured a paper, we were all crowdingaround, Lilly and I reading every now and then a piece of news fromopposite ends of the paper, Charlie, walking on the balcony, found fiveofficers leaning over the fence watching us as we stood under thelight, through the open window. Hope they won't elect me to the sewingsociety!

 Thursday night, July 3d. 

Another day of sickening suspense. This evening, about three, came therumor that there was to be an attack on the town to-night, or earlyin the morning, and we had best be prepared for anything. I can't sayI believe it, but in spite of my distrust, I made my preparations. First of all I made a charming improvement in my knapsack, _alias_pillow-case, by sewing a strong black band down each side of the centrefrom the bottom to the top, when it is carried back and fastened belowagain, allowing me to pass my arms through, and thus present theappearance of an old peddler. Miriam's I secured also, and tied all ourlaces in a handkerchief ready to lay it in the last thing. 

But the interior of my bag!--what a medley it is! First, I believe, Ihave secured four underskirts, three chemises, as many pairs ofstockings, two under-bodies, the prayer book father gave me, "Tennyson"that Harry gave me when I was fourteen, two unmade muslins, a whitemull, English grenadine trimmed with lilac, and a purple linen, andnightgown. Then, I must have Lavinia's daguerreotype, and how could Ileave Will's, when perhaps he was dead? Besides, Howell's and WillCarter's were with him, and one single case did not matter. But therewas Tom Barker's I would like to keep, and oh! let's take Mr. Stone's!and I can't slight Mr. Dunnington, for these two have been too kind toJimmy for me to forget; and poor Captain Huger is dead, and I _will_keep his, so they all went together. A box of pens, too, wasindispensable, and a case of French note-paper, and a bundle of Harry'sletters were added. Miriam insisted on the old diary that precededthis, and found place for it, though I am afraid if she knew what trashshe was to carry, she would retract before going farther. 

It makes me heartsick to see the utter ruin we will be plunged in ifforced to run to-night. Not a hundredth part of what I most value canbe saved--if I counted my letters and papers, not a thousandth. But Icannot believe we will run to-night. The soldiers tell whoeverquestions them that there will be a fight before morning, but I believeit must be to alarm them. Though what looks suspicious is, that theofficers said--to whom is not stated--that the ladies must not beuneasy if they heard cannon tonight, as they would probably commence tocelebrate the Fourth of July about twelve o'clock. What does it mean? Irepeat, I don't believe a word of it; yet I have not yet met the womanor child who is not prepared to fly. Rose knocked at the door just nowto show her preparations. Her only thought seems to be mother's silver, so she has quietly taken possession of our shoe-bag, which is a longsack for odds and ends with cases for shoes outside, and has filled itwith all the contents of the silver-box; this hung over her arm, andcarrying Louis and Sarah, this young Samson says she will be ready tofly. 

I don't believe it, yet here I sit, my knapsack serving me for a desk, my seat the chair on which I have carefully spread my clothes in order. At my elbow lies my running- or treasure-bag, surrounded by my cabasfilled with hair-pins, starch, and a band I was embroidering, etc. ;near it lie our combs, etc. , and the whole is crowned by my dagger;--bythe way, I must add Miriam's pistol which she has forgotten, thoughover there lies her knapsack ready, too, with our bonnets and veils. 

It is long past eleven, and no sound of the cannon. Bah! I do notexpect it. "I'll lay me down and sleep in peace, for Thou only, Lord, makest me to dwell in safety. " Good-night! I wake up to-morrow the sameas usual, and be disappointed that my trouble was unnecessary. 

 July 4th. 

Here I am, and still alive, having wakened but once in the night, andthat only in consequence of Louis and Morgan crying; nothing morealarming than that. I ought to feel foolish; but I do not. I am glad Iwas prepared, even though there was no occasion for it. 

While I was taking my early bath, Lilly came to the bath-house and toldme through the weather-boarding of another battle. Stonewall Jacksonhas surrounded McClellan completely, and victory is again ours. This issaid to be the sixth battle he has fought in twenty days, and they sayhe has won them all. And the Seventh Regiment distinguished itself, andwas presented with four cannon on the battlefield in acknowledgment ofits gallant conduct! Gibbes belongs to the "ragged howling regimentthat rushed on the field yelling like unchained devils and spread apanic through the army, " as the Northern papers said, describing thebattle of Manassas. Oh, how I hope he has escaped!

And they say "Palmerston has urged the recognition of the Confederacy, and an armed intervention on our side. " Would it not be glorious? Oh, for peace, blessed peace, and our brothers once more! Palmerston issaid to have painted Butler as the vilest oppressor, and having addedhe was ashamed to acknowledge him of Anglo-Saxon origin. Perhapsknowing the opinion entertained of him by foreign nations, causedButler to turn such a somersault. For a few days before his arrivalhere, we saw a leading article in the leading Union paper of NewOrleans, threatening us with the arming of the slaves for ourextermination if England interfered, in the same language almost asButler used when here; three days ago the same paper ridiculed theidea, and said such a brutal, inhuman thing was never for a momentthought of, it was too absurd. And so the world goes! We all turnsomersaults occasionally. 

And yet, I would rather we would achieve our independence alone, ifpossible. It would be so much more glorious. And then I would hate tosee England conquer the North, even if for our sake; my love for theold Union is still too great to be willing to see it so humiliated. IfEngland would just make Lincoln come to his senses, and put an end toall this confiscation which is sweeping over everything, make him agreeto let us alone and behave himself, that will be quite enough. But whata task! If it were put to the vote to-morrow to return free andunmolested to the Union, or stay out, I am sure Union would have themajority; but this way, to think we are to be sent to Fort Jackson andall the other prisons for expressing our ideas, however harmless, tohave our houses burned over our heads, and all the prominent menhanged, who would be eager for it?--unless, indeed, it was to escapeeven the greater horrors of a war of extermination. 

 July 5th. 

 * * * * * * * * * * *

Think, that since the 28th of May, I have not walked three squares at atime, for my only walks are to Mrs. Brunot's!

It is enough to kill any one; I might as well be at Ship Island, whereButler has sentenced Mrs. Phillips for laughing while the corpse of aFederal officer[7] was passing--at least, that is to be the principalcharge, though I hope, for the sake of Butler's soul, that he hadbetter reasons. Shocking as her conduct was, she hardly deserved twoyears' close confinement in such a dreadful place as that, because shehappened to have no sense of delicacy, and no feeling. 

 [7] Note by Mrs. Dawson in 1906: DeKay, our relative. 

"The darkest hour is just before the day"; we have had the blackestnight for almost three months, and I don't see the light yet. "Betterdays are coming--" I am getting skeptical, I fear me. 

I look forward to my future life with a shudder. This one cannot lastlong; I will be "up and doing" before many months are past. Doing what?Why, if all father left us is lost forever, if we are to be pennilessas well as homeless, I'll work for my living. How, I wonder? I willteach. I know I am not capable, but I can do my best. I would ratherdie than be dependent; I would rather die than teach. There now, youknow how I feel! Teaching before dependence, death before teaching. Mysoul revolts from the drudgery. I never see a governess that my heartdoes not ache for her. I think of the nameless, numberless insults andtrials she is forced to submit to; of the hopeless, thankless task thatis imposed on her, to which she is expected to submit without a murmur;of all her griefs and agony shut up in her heart, and I cry Heaven helpa governess. My heart bleeds for them and--

 1 o'clock P. M. 

Thus far had I reached when news came that our forces were attackingthe town, and had already driven the pickets in! I am well now. 

We all rushed to make preparations instantly. I had just finishedwashing my hair, before I commenced writing, and had it all streamingaround me; but it did not take a minute to thrust it into a loose net. Then we each put on a fresh dress, except myself, as I preferred tohave a linen cambric worn several times before, to a clean one notquite so nice, for that can do good service when washed. The excitementis intense; mother is securing a few of father's most valuable papers;Lilly running around after the children, and waiting for Charlie whocannot be found; Miriam, after securing all things needful, has gonedownstairs to wait the issue; and I, dressed for instant flight, withmy running-bag tied to my waist, and knapsack, bonnet, veil, etc. , onthe bed, occupy my last few moments at home in this profitable way. 

Nobody knows what it is. A regiment has been marched out to meet ourtroops, some say commanded by Van Dorn, which I doubt. The gunboats arepreparing to second them; we hear the Garrison drum and see peoplerunning, that is all. We don't know what is coming. I believe it willprove nothing, after all. But--! The gunboat is drawn up so as tocommand our street here; the guns aimed up the street just below, andif a house falls, ours will be about the first. Well! this time nextyear, we will know all of which we are now ignorant. That is oneconsolation! The house will either be down or standing, then. 

 6 P. M. 

We have once more subsided; how foolish all this seems! Miriam and Ilaughed while preparing, and laughed while unpacking; it is the onlyway to take such things, and we agree on that, as on most othersubjects. "They say" the affair originated from half a dozen shotsfired by some Federal soldiers through idleness, whereupon the picketsrushed in screaming Van Dorn was after them at the head of six thousandmen. I have my reasons for doubting the story; it must have beensomething more than that, to spread such a panic; for they certainlyhad time to ascertain the truth of the attack before they beat the longroll and sent out their troops, for if it had been Van Dorn, he wouldhave been on them before that. Whatever it was, I am glad of theexcitement, for it gave me new life for several hours; I was reallysick before. Oh, this life! When will it end? Evermore and forevermoreshall we live in this suspense? I wish we were in the Sandwich Islands. 

 July 7th. 

As we have no longer a minister--Mr. Gierlow having gone to Europe--andno papers, I am in danger of forgetting the days of the week, as wellas those of the month; but I am positive that yesterday was Sundaybecause I heard the Sunday-School bells, and Friday I am sure was theFourth, because I heard the national salute fired. I must remember thatto find my dates by. 

Well, last night being Sunday, a son of Captain Hooper, who died in theFort Jackson fight, having just come from New Orleans, stopped here onhis way to Jackson, to tell us the news, or rather to see Charlie, andtold us afterwards. He says a boat from Mobile reached the citySaturday evening, and the captain told Mr. La Noue that he brought anextra from the former place, containing news of McClellan's surrenderwith his entire army, his being mortally wounded, and the instantdeparture of a French, and English, man-of-war, from Hampton Roads, with the news. That revived my spirits considerably--all exceptMcClellan's being wounded; I could dispense with that. But if it weretrue, and if peace would follow, and the boys come home--! Oh, whatbliss! I would die of joy as rapidly as I am pining away with suspensenow, I am afraid!

About ten o'clock, as we came up, mother went to the window in theentry to tell the news to Mrs. Day, and while speaking, saw a mancreeping by under the window, in the narrow little alley on the side ofthe house, evidently listening, for he had previously been standing inthe shadow of a tree, and left the street to be nearer. When mother ranto give the alarm to Charlie, I looked down, and there the man was, looking up, as I could dimly see, for he crouched down in the shadow ofthe fence. Presently, stooping still, he ran fast towards the front ofthe house, making quite a noise in the long tangled grass. When he gotnear the pepper-bush, he drew himself up to his full height, paused amoment as though listening, and then walked quietly towards the frontgate. By that time Charlie reached the front gallery above, and calledto him, asking what he wanted. Without answering the man walkedsteadily out, closed the gate deliberately; then, suddenly rememberingdrunkenness would be the best excuse, gave a lurch towards the house, walked off perfectly straight in the moonlight, until seeing Dr. Dayfastening his gate, he reeled again. 

That man was not drunk! Drunken men cannot run crouching, do not shutgates carefully after them, would have no inclination to creep in a dimlittle alley merely to creep out again. It may have been one of ourdetectives. Standing in the full moonlight, which was very bright, hecertainly looked like a gentleman, for he was dressed in a handsomesuit of black. He was no citizen. Form your own conclusions! Well!after all, he heard no treason. Let him play eavesdropper if he findsit consistent with his character as a gentleman. 

The captain who brought the extra from Mobile wished to have itreprinted, but it was instantly seized by a Federal officer, whocarried it to Butler, who monopolized it; so _that_ will never beheard of again; we must wait for other means of information. The youngboy who told us, reminds me very much of Jimmy; he is by no means sohandsome, but yet there is something that recalls him; and his voice, though more childish, sounds like Jimmy's, too. I had an opportunity ofwriting to Lydia by him, of which I gladly availed myself, and havejust finished a really tremendous epistle. 

 Wednesday, 9th July. 

Poor Miriam! Poor Sarah! they are disgraced again! Last night we wereall sitting on the balcony in the moonlight, singing as usual with ourguitar. I have been so accustomed to hear father say in the evening, "Come, girls! where is my concert?" and he took so much pleasure inlistening, that I could not think singing in the balcony was so verydreadful, since he encouraged us in it. But last night changed all myideas. We noticed Federals, both officers and soldiers, pass singly, orby twos or threes at different times, but as we were not singing fortheir benefit, and they were evidently attending to their own affairs, there was no necessity of noticing them at all. 

But about half-past nine, after we had sung two or three dozen others, we commenced "Mary of Argyle. " As the last word died away, while thechords were still vibrating, came a sound of--clapping hands, in short!Down went every string of the guitar; Charlie cried, "I told you so!"and ordered an immediate retreat; Miriam objected, as undignified, butrenounced the guitar; mother sprang to her feet, and closed the frontwindows in an instant, whereupon, dignified or not, we all evacuatedthe gallery and fell back into the house. All this was done in a fewminutes, and as quietly as possible; and while the gas was being turnedoff downstairs, Miriam and I flew upstairs, --I confess I was mortifiedto death, very, very much ashamed, --but we wanted to see the guiltyparty, for from below they were invisible. We stole out on the frontbalcony above, and in front of the house that used to be Gibbes's, webeheld one of the culprits. At the sight of the creature, mymortification vanished in intense compassion for his. He was standingunder the tree, half in the moonlight, his hands in his pockets, looking at the extinction of light below, with the true state ofaffairs dawning on his astonished mind, and looking by no meanssatisfied with himself! Such an abashed creature! He looked just asthough he had received a kick, that, conscious of deserving, he darednot return! While he yet gazed on the house in silent amazement andconsternation, hands still forlornly searching his pockets, as thoughfor a reason for our behavior, from under the dark shadow of the treeanother slowly picked himself up from the ground--hope he was notknocked down by surprise--and joined the first. His hands sought hispockets, too, and, if possible, he looked more mortified than theother. After looking for some time at the house, satisfied that theyhad put an end to future singing from the gallery, they walked slowlyaway, turning back every now and then to be certain that it was a fact. If ever I saw two mortified, hangdog-looking men, they were these twoas they took their way home. Was it not shocking?

But they could not have meant it merely to be insulting or they wouldhave placed themselves in full view of us, rather than out of sight, under the trees. Perhaps they were thinking of their own homes, insteadof us. 

 July 10th. 

A proclamation is out announcing that any one talking about the war, orpresent state of affairs, will be "summarily" dealt with. Now, seems tome "summarily" is not exactly the word they mean, but still it has animposing effect. What a sad state their affairs must be in, if theycan't bear comment. An officer arrived day before yesterday, bringingthe surprising intelligence that McClellan had captured Richmond andfifty thousand prisoners; that is the time _they_ talked. But when wereceived yesterday confirmation of his being finally defeated by ourtroops, and the capture of his railroad train twelve miles in length, they forbid further mention of the subject. I wonder if they expect tobe obeyed? What a stretch of tyranny! O free America! You who upholdfree people, free speech, free everything, what a foul blot ofdespotism rests on a once spotless name! A nation of brave men, whowage war on women and lock them up in prisons for using their womanweapon, the tongue; a nation of free people who advocate despotism; anation of Brothers who bind the weaker ones hand and foot, and scourgethem with military tyrants and other Free, Brotherly institutions; whata picture! Who would not be an American? One consolation is, that thisproclamation, and the extraordinary care they take to suppress all newsexcept what they themselves manufacture, proves me our cause isprospering more than they like us to know. I do believe day is about tobreak!

If our troops are determined to burn our houses over our heads to spitethe Yankees, I wish they would hurry and have it over at once. Tenregiments of infantry are stationed at Camp Moore, and Scott's cavalrywas expected at Greenwell yesterday, both preparing for an attack onBaton Rouge. If we must be beggars, let it come at once; I can't endurethis suspense. 

 July 11th. 

A letter from George this morning! It was written on the 20th of June, and he speaks of being on crutches in consequence of his horse havingfallen with him, and injured his knee. Perhaps, then, he was not in thefirst battle of the 25th? But bah! I know George too well to imagine hewould keep quiet at such a moment, if he could possibly stand! I amsure he was there with the rest of the Louisiana regiment. The paperssay "the conduct of the First Louisiana is beyond all praise"; ofcourse, George was there!

And Jimmy is with him at Richmond; but whether in the army, or navy, orwhat rank if in the first, he does not say; he only says he is lookingremarkably well. Gibbes he had heard from in a letter dated the 16th, and up to then he was in perfect health. His last letter here was dated10th of March, so we are thankful enough now. I was so delighted toread the accounts of the "gallant Seventh" in some paper we fortunatelyprocured. At Jackson's address, and presentation of the battery theyhad so bravely won, I was beside myself with delight; I was thinkingthat Gibbes, of course, was "the" regiment, had taken the battery withhis single sword, and I know not what besides. Strange to say, I havenot an idea of the names of the half-dozen battles he was in, in June, but believe that one to be Port Republic. 

 June 12th [_sic_]. 

Brother writes that rumors of the capture of Baton Rouge by our troopshave made him very uneasy about us; and he wishes us to go down to NewOrleans if possible. I wish we could. The impression here, is that anattack is inevitable, and the city papers found it necessary tocontradict the rumor of Ruggles having occupied it already. I wishmother would go. I can see no difference there or here, except thatthere, we will be safe, for a while at least.... 

I grow desperate when I read these Northern papers reviling and abusingus, reproaching us for being broken and dispersed, taunting us withtheir victories, sparing no humiliating name in speaking of us, andlaughing as to what "we'll see" when we vile rebels are "driven out ofVirginia, and the glorious Union firmly established. " I can't bearthese taunts! I grow sick to read these vile, insulting papers thatseem written expressly to goad us into madness!... There must be manyhumane, reasonable men in the North; can they not teach their editorsdecency in this their hour of triumph?

[Illustration: JAMES MORRIS MORGAN]

 July 13th, Sunday. 

A profitable way to spend such a day! Being forced to dispense withchurch-going, I have occupied myself in reading a great deal, andwriting a little, which latter duty is a favorite task of mine afterchurch on Sundays. But this evening, the mosquitoes are so savage thatwriting became impossible, until Miriam and I instituted a grandextermination process, which we partly accomplished by extraordinaryefforts. She lay on the bed with the bar half-drawn over her, andhalf-looped up, while I was commissioned to fan the wretches from allcorners into the pen. It was rather fatiguing, and in spite of thenumbers slain, hardly recompensed me for the trouble of hunting themaround the room; but still, Miriam says exercise is good for me, andshe ought to know. 

I have been reading that old disguster, Boswell. Bah! I have nopatience with the toady! I suppose "my mind is not yet thoroughlyimpregnated with the Johnsonian ether, " and that is the reason why Icannot appreciate him, or his work. I admire him for his patience andminuteness in compiling such trivial details. He must have been anamiable man, to bear Johnson's brutal, ill-humored remarks; but seemsto me if I had not spirit enough to resent the indignity, I would atleast not publish it to the world! Briefly, my opinion, which this bookhas only tended to confirm, is that Boswell was a vain, conceited prig, a fool of a jackanape, an insupportable sycophant, a--whatever meanthing you please; there is no word small enough to suit him. As toJohnson, he is a surly old bear; in short, an old brute of a tyrant. All his knowledge and attainments could not have made me tolerate him, I am sure. I could have no respect for a man who was so coarse inspeech and manners, and who eat like an animal. Fact is, I am not aBoswellian, or a Johnsonian, either. I do not think him such anextraordinary man. I have heard many conversations as worthy of beingrecorded as nineteen-twentieths of his. In spite of his learning, hewas narrow-minded and bigoted, which I despise above all earthlyfailings. Witness his tirades against Americans, calling us Rascals, Robbers, Pirates, and saying he would like to burn us! Now I haverailed at many of these ordinary women here, for using like epithetsfor the Yankees, and have felt the greatest contempt for their absurdabuse. These poor women do not aspire to Johnsonian wisdom, and theirignorance may serve as an excuse for their narrow-mindedness; but thewondrous Johnson to rave and bellow like any Billingsgate nymph! Bah!He is an old disguster!

 July 14th, 3 P. M. 

Another pleasant excitement. News has just arrived that Scott's cavalrywas having a hard fight with the Yankees eight miles from town. Everybody immediately commenced to pick up stray articles, and getready to fly, in spite of the intense heat. I am resigned, as I hardlyexpect a shelling. Another report places the fight fourteen miles fromhere. A man on horseback came in for reinforcements. Heaven help poorHowell, if it is true. I am beginning to doubt half I hear. People tellme the most extravagant things, and if I am fool enough to believe themand repeat them, I suddenly discover that it is not half so true as itmight be, and as they themselves frequently deny having told it, allthe odium of "manufacturing" rests on my shoulders, which have not beenaccustomed to bear lies of any kind. I mean to cease believinganything, unless it rests on the word of some responsible person. Bythe way--the order I so confidently believed, concerning theproclamation, turns out not quite so bad. I was told women wereincluded, and it extended to private houses as well as public ones, though I fortunately omitted that when I recorded it. When I read it, it said, "All discussions concerning the war are prohibited inbar-rooms, public assemblies, and street corners. " As women do notfrequent such places, and private houses are not mentioned, I cannotimagine how my informant made the mistake, unless, like me, it wasthrough hearing it repeated. Odious as I thought it then, I think itwise now; for more than one man has lost his life through discussionsof the kind. 

 July 17th, Thursday. 

It is decided that I am to go to New Orleans next week. I hardly knowwhich I dislike most, going or staying. I know I shall be dreadfullyhomesick; but--

 * * * * *

Remember--and keep quiet, Sarah, I beg of you. Everything points to anearly attack here. Some say this week. The Federals are cutting downall our beautiful woods near the Penitentiary, to throw up breastworks, some say. Cannon are to be planted on the foundation of Mr. Pike's newhouse; everybody is in a state of expectation. Honestly, if Baton Rouge_has_ to be shelled, I shall hate to miss the fun. It will be worthseeing, and I would like to be present, even at the risk of losing mybig toe by a shell. But then, by going, I can save many of my clothes, and then Miriam and I can divide when everything is burned--that is oneadvantage, besides being beneficial by the change of air. _They say_the town is to be attacked to-night. I don't believe a word of it. 

Oh, I was so distressed this evening! They tell me Mr. Biddle waskilled at Vicksburg. I hope it is not true. Suppose it was a shot fromWill's battery?

 July 20th, Sunday. 

Last night the town was in a dreadful state of excitement. Beforesunset a regiment, that had been camped out of town, came in, andpitched their tents around the new theatre, in front of our church. Allwas commotion and bustle; and as the pickets had been drawn in, and thesoldiers talked freely of expecting an attack, everybody believed it, and was consequently in rather an unpleasant state of anticipation. Their cannon were on the commons back of the church, the artilleryhorses tied to the wheels; while some dozen tents were placed around, filled with men who were ready to harness them at the first alarm. Withall these preparations in full view, we went to bed as usual. I did noteven take the trouble of gathering my things which I had removed frommy "peddler sack"; and slept, satisfied that, if forced to fly, I wouldlose almost everything in spite of my precaution in making a bag. 

Well! night passed, and here is morning, and nothing is heard yet. Theattack is delayed until this evening, or to-morrow, they say. Womanthough I am, I am by no means as frightened as some of these men are. Ican't get excited about it. Perhaps it is because they know the danger, and I do not. But I hate to see _men_ uneasy! I have been so accustomedto brave, fearless ones, who would beard the Devil himself, that itgives me a great disgust to see any one less daring than father and theboys. 

I have been so busy preparing to go to the city that I think if thefrolic should intervene and prevent my departure, I would bedisappointed, though I do not want to go. It would be unpleasant, forinstance, to pack all I own in my trunk, and just as I place the key inmy pocket to hear the shriek of "Van Dorn!" raised again. This time itis to be Ruggles, though. I would not mind if he came before I waspacked. Besides, even if I miss the fun here, they say the boats arefired into from Plaquemine; and then I have the pleasure of being in afight anyhow. Mother is alarmed about that part of my voyage, butMiriam and I persuaded her it is nothing. 

If I was a man--oh, wouldn't I be in Richmond with the boys!... What isthe use of all these worthless women, in war times? If they attack, Ishall don the breeches, and join the assailants, and fight, though Ithink they would be hopeless fools to attempt to capture a town theycould not hold for ten minutes under the gunboats. How do breeches andcoats feel, I wonder? I am actually afraid of them. I kept a suit ofJimmy's hanging in the armoir for six weeks waiting for the Yankees tocome, thinking fright would give me courage to try it (what a seemingparadox!), but I never succeeded. Lilly one day insisted on my tryingit, and I advanced so far as to lay it on the bed, and then carried mybird out--I was ashamed to let even my canary see me;--but when I tooka second look, my courage deserted me, and there ended my first andlast attempt at disguise. I have heard so many girls boast of havingworn men's clothes; I wonder where they get the courage. 

To think half the men in town sat up all night in expectation of astampede, while we poor women slept serenely! Everybody is digging pitsto hide in when the ball opens. The Days have dug a tremendous one; theWolffs, Sheppers, and some fifty others have taken the same precaution. They may as well dig their graves at once; what if a tremendous shellshould burst over them, and bury in the dirt those who were not killed?Oh, no! let me see all the danger, and the way it is coming, at once. To-morrow, --or day after, --in case no unexpected little incident occursin the interval, I purpose going to New Orleans, taking father's papersand part of Miriam's and mother's valuables for safe-keeping. I hate togo, but they all think I should, as it will be one less to look afterif we are shelled--which I doubt. I don't know that I require _much_protection, but I might as well be agreeable and go. Ouf! how I willgrow homesick, before I am out of sight!

 Midnight. 

Here we go, sure enough. At precisely eleven o'clock, while we wereenjoying our first dreams, we were startled by the long roll which wasbeat half a square below us. At first I only repeated "The roll of thedrum, " without an idea connected with it; but hearing the soldiersrunning, in another instant I was up, and was putting on my stockingswhen Miriam ran in, in her nightgown. The children were roused anddressed quickly, and it did not take us many instants to prepare, --thereport of two shots, and the tramp of soldiers, cries of"Double-quick, " and sound as of cannon moving, rather hastening ourmovements. Armoirs, bureaus, and everything else were thrown open, andMiriam and I hastily packed our sacks with any articles that came tohand, having previously taken the precaution to put on everything freshfrom the armoir. We have saved what we can; but I find myself obligedto leave one of my new muslins I had just finished, as it occupied moreroom than I can afford, the body of my lovely lilac, and my beauteouswhite mull. But then, I have saved eight half-made linen chemises! thatwill be better than the outward show. 

Here comes an alarm of fire--at least a dreadful odor of burning cottonwhich has set everybody wild with fear that conflagration is to beadded to these horrors. The cavalry swept past on their way to theriver ten minutes ago, and here comes the news that the gunboats aredrawing up their anchors and making ready. Well! here an hour haspassed; suppose they do not come after all? I have been watching twosentinels at the corner, who are singing and dancing in the gayest way. One reminds me of Gibbes; I have seen him dance that way often. I wasglad to see a good-humored man again. I wish I was in bed. I am onlysitting up to satisfy my conscience, for I have long since ceased toexpect a _real_ bombardment. If it must come, let it be now; I amtired of waiting. A crowd of women have sought the protection of thegunboats. I am distressed about the Brunots; suppose they did not hearthe noise? O girls! if I was a man, I wonder what would induce me toleave you four lone, unprotected women sleeping in that house, unconscious of all this? Is manhood a dream that is past? Is humanityan idle name? Fatherless, brotherless girls, if I was honored with thetitle of Man, I do believe I would be fool enough to run around andwake you, at least! Not another word, though. I shall go mad with rageand disgust. I am going to bed. This must be a humbug. Morgan camerunning in, once more in his night-gear, begging Lilly to hear hisprayers. In answer to her "Why? You have said them to-night!" he says, "Yes! but I've been getting up so often!" Poor child! no wonder he isperplexed!

One hour and a half of this nonsense, and no result known. We are toldthe firing commenced, and the pickets were driven in, twenty minutesbefore the long roll beat. 

 July 21st. 

It is impossible to discover the true story of last night's alarm. Somesay it was a gang of negroes who attacked the pickets in revenge forhaving been turned out of the Garrison; others say it was a number ofour soldiers who fired from the bushes; and the most amusing story isthat they took alarm at an old white horse, which they killed, mistaking him for the Confederates. One regiment has refused to dopicket duty; and the story runs among these poor soldiers that ourarmy, which is within a mile, is perfectly overwhelming. The excitementstill continues. 

I have been writing to the Brunots the news confirming the death ofMcClellan, the surrender of his army, and the good tidings of our Ram'srecent exploits above Vicksburg, and her arriving safely under the gunsthere. If we could keep all the dispatches that have passed between ussince the battle of the forts, what a collection of absurdity andcontradiction it would be! "Forts have been taken. " "Their ships havepassed; forts safe; Yankees at our mercy. " "Ships at New Orleans. Cityto be bombarded in twelve hours. " "Forts surrendered. " "City underBritish protection. " "No, it isn't. " "City surrendered. " "Mistake. ""Baton Rouge to be burned when Yankee ships come. " And so on, sometimesthree times a day, each dispatch contradicting the other, and allequally ridiculous. 

The crowd here seems to increase. The streets are thronged with themilitary, and it will soon be impossible to go even to Mrs. Brunot's, which will be a great privation to me.... Five thousand are to comenext week, and then it will really be impossible to go in the streets. 

 July 22d, Tuesday. 

Another such day, and there is the end of me! Charlie decided to sendLilly and the children into the country early to-morrow morning, andget them safely out of this doomed town. Mother, Miriam, and I were toremain here alone. Take the children away, and I can stand whatever isto come; but this constant alarm, with five babies in the house, is toomuch for any of us. So we gladly packed their trunks and got themready, and then news came pouring in. 

First a negro man just from the country told Lilly that our soldierswere swarming out there, that he had never seen so many men. Then Denawrote us that a Mrs. Bryan had received a letter from her son, prayingher not to be in Baton Rouge after Wednesday morning, as they were toattack to-morrow. Then a man came to Charlie, and told him that thoughhe was on parole, yet as a Mason he must beg him not to let his wifesleep in town to-night; to get her away before sunset. But it isimpossible for her to start before morning. Hearing so many rumors, allpointing to the same time, we began to believe there might be somedanger; so I packed all necessary clothing that could be dispensed withnow in a large trunk for mother, Miriam, and me, and got it ready tosend out in the country to Mrs. Williams. All told, I have but eightdresses left; so I'll have to be particular. I am wealthy, compared towhat I would have been Sunday night, for then I had but two in my sack, and now I have my best in the trunk. If the attack comes before thetrunk gets off, or if the trunk is lost, we will verily be beggars; forI pack well, and it contains everything of any value in clothing. 

The excitement is on the increase, I think. Everybody is crazy to leavetown. 

 Thursday, July 24th. 

Yes; that must be the date, for one day and two nights have passedsince I was writing here. Where shall I begin the story of mywanderings? I don't know that it has a beginning, it is all so hurriedand confused. 

But it was Tuesday evening that the Federals were seized with a panicwhich threw the whole town in alarm. They said our troops were withineight miles, ten thousand in number. The report was even started thatthe advance guard was skirmishing with the Federals; the shots wereheard distinctly, a dozen people were ready to swear. The Yankeesstruck their tents, galloped with their cannon through the streets withthe most terrific din, troops passed at double-quick on their way tothe Garrison, everything was confusion. Mr. Tunnard told us yesterdayhe was present when part of them reached the gate of the Garrison, andsaw one of the officers spring forward, waving his sword, and heard himcry, "Trot, men! Gallop, I say! Damn you! _run_ in!"--with a perfectyell at the close; whereupon all lookers-on raised a shout of laughter, for the man was frightened out of his wits. A Federal officer told himthat their fright was really a disgrace; and if one thousand of our menhad come in town, the whole thirty-five hundred would have been attheir mercy. Even the naval officers denounce it as a most arrant pieceof cowardice; for instead of marching their troops out to meet ours, they all rushed into the Garrison, where, if attacked, their onlyretreat would have been into the river. The gunboats were ordered intothe middle of the stream, in front of the Garrison; and cooped upthere, these valiant men awaited the assault in such trepidation thatyesterday they freely said the force could be purchased for fiftycents, they are so ashamed of their panic. 

Imagine what effect this had on the inhabitants! Soon, an exodus tookplace, in the direction of the Asylum, and we needs must follow thegeneral example and run, too. In haste we packed a trunk with ourremaining clothes, --what we could get in, --and the greatest confusionprevailed for an hour. Beatrice had commenced to cry early in theevening, and redoubled her screams when she saw the preparations; andLouis joining in, they cried in concert until eight o'clock, when wefinally got off. What a din! Lilly looked perfectly exhausted; thatlook on her face made me heartsick. Miriam flew around everywhere;mother always had one more article to find, and the noise was dreadful, when white and black assembled in the hall ready at last. Charlieplaced half of the trunks on the dray, leaving the rest for anothertrip; and we at last started off. Besides the inevitable running-bag, tied to my waist, on this stifling night I had my sunbonnet, veil, comb, toothbrush, cabas filled with dozens of small articles, anddagger to carry; and then my heart failed me when I thought of myguitar, so I caught it up in the case; and remembering father's heavyinkstand, I seized that, too, with two fans. If I was asked what I didwith all these things, I could not answer. Certain it is I had everyone in my hands, and was not _very_ ridiculous to behold. 

Seventeen in number, counting white and black, our procession startedoff, each loaded in their own way. The soldiers did not scruple tolaugh at us. Those who were still waiting in front of the churches tobe removed laughed heartily, and cried, "Hello! Where are you going?Running? Good-bye!" Fortunately they could not see our faces, for itwas very dark. One stopped us under a lamp-post and wanted us to goback. He said he knew we were to be attacked, for the Confederates werewithin five miles; but we were as safe at home as at the Asylum. He wasa very handsome, respectable-looking man, though dirty, as Yankeesoldiers always are, and in his shirt-sleeves besides. We thanked himfor his kindness, and went on. All stopped at the Brunots', to see thatthey were ready to fly; but the two parties were so tremendous that wegladly divided, and Miriam and I remained with them until they couldget ready, while our detachment went on. 

Wagons, carts, every vehicle imaginable, passed on to places of safety, loaded with valuables, while women and children hurried on, on foot. Ittook the Brunots as long to prepare as it did us. I had to drag Sophieout of her bed, where she threw herself, vowing she would not run; andafter an interminable length of time, we were at last ready andstarted, with the addition of Mrs. Loucks and her sons in our train. The volunteer, whose sole duty seems to be to watch the Brunots, met usas we got out. He stopped as he met the first, looked in silence untilSophie and I passed, and then burst out laughing. No wonder! What awalk it was! Nobody hesitated to laugh, even though they meant to runthemselves, and we made fun of each other, too, so our walk was merryenough. 

When we reached there, the Asylum was already crowded--at least, itwould have been a crowd in any other place, though a mere handful insuch a building. The whole house was illuminated, up to the fifthstory, and we were most graciously received by the director, who hadthrown the whole house open to whoever chose to come, and exertedhimself to be accommodating. It looked like a tremendous hotel whereevery one is at home; not a servant or one of the deaf and dumbchildren was to be seen; we had all the lower story to ourselves. Wasn't it pleasant to unload, and deposit all things in a place ofsafety! It was a great relief. Then we five girls walked on thesplendid balcony which goes around the house until we could no longerwalk, when I amused myself by keeping poor Sophie standing, since shewould not sit down like a Christian, but insisted on going to bed likea lazy girl, as she is. When I finally let her go, it did not take hermany minutes to undress, and soon we were all ready for bed. TheBrunots had beds on the parlor floor; across the wide hall, we had aroom opposite; and next to ours, Lilly and the children were allsleeping soundly. I ran the blockade of the hall in my nightgown, andhad a splendid romp with the girls after rolling Sophie out of bed, andjerking Nettie up. Mother and Mrs. Brunot cried, "Order, " laughing, butthey came in for their share of the sport, until an admiring crowd offemales at the door told us by their amused faces they were enjoyingit, too; so I ran the gauntlet again, and got safely through the hall, and after a few more inroads, in one of which Miriam accompanied me, and on which occasion I am sure we were seen in our nightgowns, wefinally went to bed. I won't say went to sleep, for I did not pretendto doze. All our side of the house had bars, except me; and themosquitoes were unendurable; so I watched mother and Miriam in theirdowny slumbers and lay on my hard bed for hours, fighting the tormentswith bare arms. 

Every now and then I heard a stir among the females above, indicatingthat some few were anticipating a panic. Once they took a rush from thefourth story, and cried they heard the cannon; twenty guns had beenfired, etc. I lay still, determined not to believe it; and presentlyall subsided. I lay there for hours longer, it seemed, when Nettie atlast wandered in disconsolate to find if we were asleep; for with theexception of Sophie, they, too, had been awake all night. I went to theparlor with her, when she, Dena, and I, decided to dress at once andsit on the balcony, since sleep was hopeless. Behold me in a bluemuslin flounced to the waist, with a cape, too! What a running costume!Miriam only had time to take off her white dress before starting. Alldressed, we went to the northwest corner, as far as possible from therest of the household, and sat in a splendid breeze for hours. It wasbetter than fighting insatiable mosquitoes; so there we sat talkingthrough the greater part of a night which seemed to have borrowed a fewadditional hours for our benefit. We'll have no Leap Year in '64; thetwenty-four extra hours were crowded in on that occasion, I think. 

We discussed our favorite books, characters, authors, repeated scrapshere and there of the mock sentimental, talked of how we would one daylike to travel, and where we would go; discussed love and marriage, andcame to the conclusion neither was the jest it was thought to be. (Owise young women!) Poor Nettie retired in despair, and we two watchedalone for hours longer. The sun must have been arrested by some Joshuaon the road; couldn't make me believe it was doing its duty as usual. We wandered around the balconies, through the grounds in the dimstarlight (for it was cloudy), and finally, beholding a faint promiseof morning, sat still and waited for the coming of the lazy sun. Whatwas still more aggravating was that every time we looked in at theothers showed them sleeping peacefully. Miriam lay her full length withoutstretched arms, the picture of repose, looking _so_ comfortable!When the sun finally made his appearance (he was out on a spree, Ifound, for his eyes were not half opened, and he looked dull and heavyas he peeped from behind his bed curtains), others began to stir, andin an hour more, we were ready to leave. Those who had slept, came outwith swelled eyes and drowsy looks; while we three, who had been up allnight, were perfectly calm, though _rather_ pale; but I am seldomotherwise. 

Were we not thankful to see home still standing! I did not feel tired_much_, but somehow, when it struck half-past six, and I found myselfalone here (Miriam having stopped at Mrs. Day's), I suddenly foundmyself divested of my flounces, and most other articles, andinvoluntarily going towards the bed. I could not sleep, wasn't thinkingof such a thing; meant to--there was an end of my soliloquy! Where Iwent, I don't know. As the clock struck eight, I got up as unaccountably, and discovered I had lost all idea of time in sleep. If it had not beenfor the clock, I should have said I had slept a day and a night, and itwas now Thursday morning. A giant refreshed, I rose from my slumbers, took a hasty cup of coffee, and set to work packing Lilly's trunk, forI was crazy to see the children off as soon as possible. 

It was no short work, but we all hurried, said good-bye, and saw themgo with a feeling of relief. By the experience of the night before, weknew that when the real moment came it would be impossible to get themoff in time to escape danger. Poor Lilly! We miss her sadly; but arethankful to know that she is out of danger with her poor littlechildren. She looked heartbroken at the idea of leaving us alone; butthen, when one weak woman has five small babies to take care of, is itfair to impose three big ones on her? I'd never stay here, if shesacrificed her children to take care of us who need no protection. Iwas very lazy after they left; and sat reading until a note was broughtfrom Charlie saying they were safe beyond the lines. 

Last night came another alarm. Some fifty cannon were fired somewhereabove, reports came that a body of our troops were a few miles out, soa thousand of these men took courage and went out to reconnoitre. Mrs. Brunot and mother insisted on going again to the Asylum for protectionagainst the coming attack, though we at first begged and pleaded tostay at home. But we had to follow, and I don't think any of us were inthe best of humors, as we were all conscious of doing a foolish thing. 

We were cordially received again, and got quite gay. Sleepingaccommodations no better than before, as far as I was concerned. Sophie, Miriam, and I had but one bar between us, so we placed twomattresses side by side, and by dint of chairs and strings, stretchedthe net as far as possible over them. Those two were well enough; butto my share fell a baby's mattress two feet by four, placed between thewall and the other great bed, with the end of the bar a foot above myface, and one sheet to do the duty of two--however, they had only one, also. Well! I believe I am tall, so my bed did not fit me. As it wastwo inches higher than theirs, there was no sharing. In spite of aheavy rain that was now pouring, my warm place was intolerable, and theperspiration streamed from my face so as to be disagreeable, to say theleast. It drove me to walk in my sleep, I am afraid, for I have anindistinct recollection of finding myself standing at the window tryingto breathe. It was a very, very little piece of sleep I got after all, and that little by no means refreshing. 

Up at sunrise again, but it took some time to get ready, for I had toget some clothes out of the trunk, to send home. Well, ever since Ireached here I have been writing, and I am ashamed to say how long itis. As the time grows more exciting, my book grows shorter, to my greatdistress. What will I do?

We all vowed that would be the last time we would run until we heardthe cannon, or had some better reason than a Yankee panic to believethe Confederates were coming; though if we listened to mother, shewould go there every night if this lasted for a whole year. KindPhillie Nolan wrote insisting on our staying with them on theplantation until it was over, but we cannot do it; the time is toouncertain; if we _knew_ it was to come this week, we might stay thatlong with her; but to go for an indefinite period, Miriam and I wouldnot hear of. 

I have kept for the last a piece of news I received with thankfulness, when I finally heard it; for, though known to the whole family and allthe town on Tuesday night, no one thought it worth while to tell meuntil I heard it by accident last evening. It was that a Mr. Bell, writing to his wife, says Gibbes asked him to send word to mother thathe, George, and Jimmy were in the fight of the 10th and 11th, and allsafe. God be praised!

 July 25th. 

An old gentleman stopped here just now in a carriage and asked to seeme. Such a sad, sick old man! He said his name was Caldwell, and thatpassing through East Feliciana, Mrs. Flynn had asked him to deliver amessage to us. Had we heard from our brothers? I told him the messagefrom Mr. Bell. He commenced crying. There was one of them, he said, whogot hurt. I held my breath and looked at him. He cried more still, andsaid yes, it was Gibbes--in the hand--not dangerous--but--Here Ithought he meant to tell me worse; perhaps he was dead; but I could notspeak, so he went on saying Lydia and the General had gone on toRichmond instantly, and had probably reached there before to-day. Hetook so long to tell it, and he cried so, that I was alarmed, until Ithought perhaps he had lost one of his own sons; but I dared not askhim. Just then one of the horses fell down with sunstroke, and I beggedthe old gentleman to come in and rest until they could raise the horse;but he said no, he must go on to the river. He looked so sick that Icould not help saying he looked too unwell to go beyond, and I wishedhe would come in. But he burst into tears, saying, "Yes, my child, I amvery, very sick, but I must go on. " Poor old man, with his snow-whitebeard!

 July 27th. 

I have my bird back! As I waked this morning, I heard a well-knownchirp in the streets, and called to mother I knew it was Jimmy. Sureenough it is my bird. Lucy Daigre has had him ever since the shelling, as a negro caught it that day and gave it to her. 

 July 29th. 

This town, with its ten thousand soldiers, is more quiet than it waswith the old population of seven thousand citizens. With thistremendous addition, it is like a graveyard in its quiet, at times. These poor soldiers are dying awfully. Thirteen went yesterday. OnSunday the boats discharged hundreds of sick at our landing. Some laythere all the afternoon in the hot sun, waiting for the wagon to carrythem to the hospital, which task occupied the whole evening. In themean time these poor wretches lay uncovered on the ground, in everystage of sickness. Cousin Will saw one lying dead without a creature byto notice when he died. Another was dying, and muttering to himself ashe lay too far gone to brush the flies out of his eyes and mouth, whileno one was able to do it for him. Cousin Will helped him, though. Another, a mere skeleton, lay in the agonies of death, too; but heevidently had kind friends, for several were gathered around holdinghim up, and fanning him, while his son leaned over him crying aloud. Tiche says it was dreadful to hear the poor boy's sobs. All day our_vis-à-vis_, Baumstark, with his several aids, plies his hammer;all day Sunday he made coffins, and says he can't make them fastenough. Think, too, he is by no means the only undertaker here! Oh, Iwish these poor men were safe in their own land! It is heartbreaking tosee them die here like dogs, with no one to say Godspeed. The Catholicpriest went to see some, sometime ago, and going near one who lay inbed, said some kind thing, when the man burst into tears and cried, "Thank God, I have heard _one_ kind word before I die!" In a fewminutes the poor wretch was dead. 

 July 31st. 

I believe I forgot to mention one little circumstance in my account ofthat first night at the Deaf and Dumb Asylum, which at the time struckme with extreme disgust. That was seeing more than one man who had nofemales or babies to look after, who sought there a refuge from thecoming attack. At daylight, one dapper young man, in fashionable array, came stepping lightly on the gallery, carrying a neat carpet-bag in hishand. I hardly think he expected to meet two young ladies at that hour;I shall always believe he meant to creep away before any one was up;for he certainly looked embarrassed when we looked up, though heassumed an air of indifference, and passed by bravely swinging hissack--but I think he wanted us to believe he was not ashamed. I daresay it was some little clerk in his holiday attire; but I can't saywhat contempt I felt for the creature. 

Honestly, I believe the women of the South are as brave as the men whoare fighting, and certainly braver than the "Home Guard. " I have notyet been able to coax myself into being as alarmed as many I could nameare. They say it is because I do not know the danger. _Soit_. I preferbeing brave through ignorance, to being afraid in consequence of myknowledge of coming events. Thank Heaven, my brothers are the bravestof the brave! I would despise them if they shrunk back, though Lucifershould dispute the path with them. Well! _All_ men are not Morgan boys!They tell me cowards actually exist, though I hope I never met one. Thepoor men that went to the Asylum for safety might not have what Laviniacalls "a moral backbone. " No wonder, then, they tumbled in there!Besides, I am told half the town spent the night on the banks of theriver, on that occasion; and perhaps these unfortunates were subject tocolds, and preferred the shelter of a good roof. Poor little fellows!How I longed to give them my hoops, corsets, and pretty blue organdiein exchange for their boots and breeches! Only I thought it wasdangerous; for suppose the boots had been so used to running that theyshould prance off with me, too? Why, it would ruin my reputation! MissMorgan in petticoats is thought to be "as brave as any other man"; butthese borrowed articles might make her fly as fast "as any other man, "too, if panic is contagious, as the Yankees here have proved. Oneconsolation is, that all who could go with any propriety, and all whowere worthy of fighting, among those who believed in the South, are offat the seat of war; it is only trash, and those who are obliged toremain for private reasons, who still remain. Let us count those youngindividuals as trash, and step over them. Only ask Heaven why you weremade with a man's heart, and a female form, and those creatures withbeards were made as bewitchingly nervous?

 August 2d, Saturday. 

I had thought my running days were over; so little did I anticipateanother stampede that I did not notice the report of the attack thatwas prophesied for night before last, and went to bed without gatheringmy clothes. But to-day comes a hasty note from Charlie, telling us toleave instantly as General Breckinridge is advancing with ten thousandmen to attack us, and at 12 M. Yesterday was within thirty-four miles. He begged us to leave to-day; there would be trouble before to-morrownight. It was so earnest, and he asserted all so positively, that weare going to Phillie's this evening to stay a week, as they say eightdays will decide. Ah, me! our beautiful town! Still I am skeptical. Ifit _must be_, pray Heaven that the blow comes now! Nothing can beequal to suspense. These poor men! Are they not dying fast enough? WillBaumstark have orders for an unlimited supply of coffins next week?Only Charlie's family, ours, and the Brunots know it. He enjoined thestrictest secrecy, though the Brunots sent to swear Mrs. Loucks in, asshe, like ourselves, has no protector. I would like to tell everybody;but it will warn the Federals. I almost wish we, too, had been left inignorance; it is cruel to keep it to ourselves. I believe the Yankeesexpect something; "they say" they have armed fifteen hundred negroes. Foes and insurrection in town, assailing friends outside. --Nice time!

Our cavalry has passed the Amite. Poor Charlie has come all the way tothe ferry landing on the other side to warn us. If we do not takeadvantage, it will not be for want of knowing what is to come. Howconsiderate it was in him to come such a long way! I am charminglyexcited! If I only had a pair of breeches, my happiness would becomplete. Let it come! I lose all, but in Heaven's name let us have itover at once! My heart fails when I look around, but "Spit fire!" andhave an end to this at once! Liberty forever, though death be thepenalty. 

Treason! Here lies my pass at my elbow, in which has been gratuitouslyinserted that "Parties holding it are considered to give their parolenot to give information, countenance, aid, or support to the so-calledConfed. S. " As I did not apply for it, agree to the stipulation, orthink it by any means proper, I don't consider it binding. I could notgive my word for doing what my conscience tells me is Right. I crosswith this book full of treason. It "countenances" the C. S. ; shall Iburn it? That is a stupid ruse; they are too wise to ask you tosubscribe to it, they just append it. 

 August 3d, WESTOVER. 

_Enfin nous sommes arrivées!_ And after what a trip! As we reached theferry, I discovered I had lost the pass, and had to walk back andsearch for it, aided by Mr. Tunnard, who met me in my distress, as ithas always been his luck to do. But somebody had already adopted thevaluable trifle, so I had to rejoin mother and Miriam without it. Theguard resolutely refused to let us pass until we got another, so offflew Mr. Tunnard to procure a second--which was vastly agreeable, as Iknew he would have to pay twenty-five cents for it, Yankees having comedown as low as that, to procure money. But he had gone before we couldsay anything, and soon returned with the two-bits' worth of leave ofabsence. Then we crossed the river in a little skiff after sundown, ina most unpleasant state of uncertainty as to whether the carriage waswaiting at the landing for us, for I did not know if Phillie hadreceived my note, and there was no place to go if she had not sent forus. However, we found it waiting, and leaving mother and Miriam to paythe ferry, I walked on to put our bundles in the carriage. A manstepped forward, calling me by name and giving me a note from Charliebefore I reached it; and as I placed my foot on the step, another cameup and told me he had left a letter at home for me at one o'clock. Ibowed Yes (it was from Howell; must answer to-morrow). He asked me notto mention it was "him"; a little servant had asked his name, but hetold her it was none of her business. I laughed at the refined remark, and said I had not known who it was--he would hardly have beenflattered to hear I had not even inquired. He modestly said that he wasafraid I had seen him through the window. Oh, no! I assured him. "Well, please, _any_how, don't say it's me!" he pleaded most grammatically. I answered, smiling, "I did not know who it was then, I know no morenow, and if you choose, I shall always remain in ignorance of youridentity. " He burst out laughing, and went off with, "Oh, do, MissMorgan, forget all about me!" as though it was a difficult matter! Whocan he be?

We had a delightful drive in the moonlight, though it was rather long;and it was quite late when we drove up to the house, and were mostcordially welcomed by the family. We sat up late on the balconylistening for the report of cannon, which, however, did not come. BatonRouge is to be attacked to-morrow, "they say. " Pray Heaven it will allbe over by that time! Nobody seems to doubt it, over here. A while agoa long procession of guerrillas passed a short distance from the house, looking for a party of Yankees they heard of in the neighborhood, andwaved their hats, for lack of handkerchiefs, to us as we stood on thebalcony. 

I call this writing under difficulties! Here I am employing my knee asa desk, a position that is not very natural to me, and by no meanscomfortable. I feel so stupid, from want of sleep last night, that nowonder I am not even respectably bright. I think I shall lay aside thisdiary with my pen. I have procured a nicer one, so I no longer regretits close. What a stupid thing it is! As I look back, how faintly haveI expressed things that produced the greatest impression on me at thetime, and how completely have I omitted the very things I should haverecorded! Bah! it is all the same trash! And here is an end of it--for_this_ volume, whose stupidity can only be equaled by the one thatprecedes, and the one that is to follow it. But who expects to beinteresting in war times? If I kept a diary of events, it would be onetissue of lies. Think! There was no battle on the 10th or 11th, McClellan is _not_ dead, and Gibbes was never wounded! After that, whobelieves in reliable information? Not I!

BOOK III

 WESTOVER, Monday, August 4th, 1862. 

Here we are at Dr. Nolan's plantation, with Baton Rouge lying justseven miles from us to the east. We can surely hear the cannon fromhere. They are all so kind to us that I ought to be contented; butstill I wish I was once more at home. I suppose it is very unreasonablein me, but I cannot help it. I miss my old desk very much; it is soawkward to write on my knee that I cannot get used to it. Mine is anice little room upstairs, detached from all the rest, for it is formedby a large dormer window looking to the north, from which I have seen alarge number of guerrillas passing and repassing in their roughcostumes, constantly. I enjoy the fresh air, and all that, but pleasantas it is, I wish I was at home and all the fuss was over. VirginiaNolan and Miriam are already equipped in their riding costumes, so Imust lay this down and get ready to join them in a scamper across thefields. How delighted I will be to get on a horse again. 

 August 5th. 

About half-past nine, as we got up from the breakfast table, aguerrilla told us the ram Arkansas was lying a few miles below, on herway to coöperate with Breckinridge, whose advance guard had alreadydriven the pickets into Baton Rouge. Then we all grew wild withexcitement. 

Such exclamations! such delight that the dreadful moment had at lastarrived! And yet you could see each stop as we rejoiced, to offer up aprayer for the preservation of those who were risking their lives atthat moment. Reason, and all else, was thrown aside, and we determinedto participate in the danger, if there was any to be incurred. Motherthreatened us with shot and shell and bloody murder, but the loudreport of half a dozen cannon in slow succession only made us moredetermined to see the fun, so Lilly Nolan and Miss Walters got onhorseback, and Phillie, Ginnie, Miriam, and I started off in thebroiling sun, leaving word for the carriage to overtake us. When weonce got in, the driver, being as crazy as we, fairly made his horsesrun along the road to catch a glimpse of our Ram. When, miles below, she came in sight, we could no longer remain in the carriage, butmounted the levee, and ran along on foot until we reached her, when wecrossed to the outer levee, and there she lay at our feet. 

And nothing in her after all! There lay a heavy, clumsy, rusty, uglyflatboat with a great square box in the centre, while great cannon puttheir noses out at the sides, and in front. The decks were crowded withmen, rough and dirty, jabbering and hastily eating their breakfast. That was the great Arkansas! God bless and protect her, and the bravemen she carries. 

While there, a young man came up, and in answer to Phillie's inquiriesabout her father--who, having gone to town yesterday to report, beingparoled, had written last night to say no passes were granted to leavetown--the young fellow informed her _so_ pleasantly that her father wasa prisoner, held as hostage for Mr. Castle. Poor Phillie had to cry;so, to be still more agreeable, he told her, Yes, he had been sent to aboat lying at the landing, and ran the greatest risk, as the ram wouldprobably sink the said boat in a few hours. How I hated the fool forhis relish of evil tidings!

But never mind our wild expedition, or what came of it. Am I notpatient! Ever since I commenced to write, the sound of a furiousbombardment has been ringing in my ears; and beyond an occasional runto see the shells fly through the air (their white smoke, rather) Ihave not said a word of it. The girls have all crowded on the littlebalcony up here, towards town, and their shrieks of "There it goes!""Listen!" "Look at them!" rise above the sound of the cannon, andoccasionally draw me out, too. But I sit here listening, and wonderwhich report precedes the knocking down of our home; which shell iskilling some one I know and love. Poor Tiche and Dophy!--where arethey? And oh, I hope they did not leave my birdie Jimmy to die in hiscage. I charged them to let him loose if they could not carry him. Dophy will be so frightened. I hope they are out of danger. Oh, my dearhome! shall I ever see you again? And the Brunots! Oh, how I hope theyare safe. These loud cannon make me heartsick, and yet I am so excited!How rapidly they answer each other! I am told the attack commenced atfive this morning, and lasted three hours. Those girls are shoutingthat Baton Rouge must be on fire, from the volume of smoke in thatdirection. How they scream as the balls go up, to show it to eachother. I think I'll take a look, too. 

 * * * * *

We are all going four or five miles through this warm sun to be nearerthe scene of action. Any one might know there was no white man on thepremises. There is the carriage! Oh, I am _so_ seasick! What will I bebefore we get back?

 August 6th. 

We six madcaps got in the carriage and buggy, and rode off in search ofnews. We took a quantity of old linen rags along, and during the wholedrive, our fingers were busy making lint. Once we stopped at aneighbor's to gather the news, but that did not interfere with ourlabors at all. Four miles from here we met a crowd of women flying, andamong them recognized Mrs. La Noue and Noémie. A good deal of loudshouting brought them to the carriage in great surprise to see usthere. They were running from the plantation where they had takenrefuge, as it was not safe from the shells, as the gunboats had provedto them. The reports we had heard in the morning were from shots firedon this side of the river by them, in hopes of hurting a guerrilla ortwo. Noémie told us that two Western regiments had laid down theirarms, and General Williams had been killed by his own men. She lookedso delighted, and yet it made me sick to think of his having beenbutchered so. Phillie leaned out, and asked her, as she askedeverybody, if she knew anything about her father. Noémie, in herrapture over that poor man's death, exclaimed, "Don't know a word abouthim! know Williams was cut to pieces, though!"--and that is all wecould learn from her. 

We went on until we came in sight of Baton Rouge. There it stood, looking so beautiful against the black, lowering sky that I could notbut regret its fate. We could see the Garrison, State House, Asylum, and all that; but the object of the greatest interest to me was thesteeple of the Methodist church, for to the right of it lay home. Whilelooking at it, a negro passed who was riding up and down the coastcollecting lint, so I gave him all we had made, and commenced somemore. Presently, we met Mr. Phillips, to whom Phillie put the samequestion. "He is on the Laurel Hill a prisoner--Confound that negro!where did he go?" And so on, each answer as far as concerned her, seeming a labor, but the part relating to the servant very hearty. PoorPhillie complained that everybody was selfish--thought only of theirown affairs, and did not sympathize with her. "Yes, my dear, " Isilently assented; for it was _very_ true; every one seemed to think oftheir own interests alone. It was late before we got home, and then wehad great fun in watching shells which we could dimly trace against theclouds, falling in what must have been the Garrison. Then came atremendous fire, above, which _may_ have been a boat--I don't know. 

I hear a tremendous firing again, and from the two volumes of smoke, should judge it was the Arkansas and the Essex trying their strength ata distance. We are going down to see what's the fun. It would be absurdto record all the rumors that have reached us, since we can rely onnone. They say we fought up to nine last night, and occupied theGarrison for five minutes, when the shells forced us to abandon it. Also that four regiments laid down their arms, that the Federals werepursued by our men to the river, driven to the gunboats, and pushed offto prevent the Western men from coming aboard. An eye-witness, fromthis side, reports that General Williams, "they say, " was forcibly heldbefore a cannon and blown to pieces. For the sake of humanity, I hopethis is false. 

Oh, what a sad day this is for our country! Mother disapproved so ofour going to the levee to see the fight, that we consented to remain, though Miriam and Ginnie jumped into the buggy and went off alone. Presently came tidings that all the planters near Baton Rouge wereremoving their families and negroes, and that the Yankees were to shellthe whole coast, from there up to here. Then Phillie, Lilly (Nolan), and I jumped in--the carriage that was still waiting, and ran after theothers to bring them back before they got in danger; but when wereached the end of the long lane, we saw them standing on the highlevee, wringing their hands and crying. We sprang out and joined them, and there, way at the bend, lay the Arkansas on fire! All except myselfburst into tears and lamentations, and prayed aloud between their sobs. I had no words or tears; I could only look at our sole hope burning, going, and pray silently. Oh, it was so sad! Think, it was our soledependence! And we five girls looked at her as the smoke rolled overher, watched the flames burst from her decks, and the shells as theyexploded one by one beneath the water, coming up in jets of steam. Andwe watched until down the road we saw crowds of men toiling alongtoward us. Then we knew they were those who had escaped, and the girlssent up a shriek of pity. 

On they came, dirty, half-dressed, some with only their guns, others, afew, with bundles and knapsacks on their backs, grimy and tired, butstill laughing. We called to the first, and asked if the boat werereally afire; they shouted, "Yes, " and went on, talking still. Presently one ran up and told us the story. How yesterday their enginehad broken, and how they had labored all day to repair it; how they hadsucceeded, and had sat by their guns all night; and this morning, asthey started to meet the Essex, the other engine had broken; how eachofficer wrote his opinion that it was impossible to fight her with anyhope of success under such circumstances, and advised the Captain toabandon her; how they had resolved to do so, had exchanged shots withthe Essex across the point, and the first of the latter (only one, also) had set ours afire, when the men were ordered to take their sidearms. They thought it was to board the Essex, assembled together, whenthe order was given to fire the Arkansas and go ashore, which was donein a few minutes. Several of the crew were around us then, and up anddown the road they were scattered still in crowds. 

[Illustration: FACSIMILE OF A PAGE FROM THE DIARY]

Miriam must have asked the name of some of the officers; for just thenshe called to me, "He says that is Mr. Read!" I looked at the foot ofthe levee, and saw two walking together. I hardly recognized thegentleman I was introduced to on the McRae in the one that now stoodbelow me in rough sailor pants, a pair of boots, and a very thin andslazy lisle undershirt. That is all he had on, except an old straw hat, and--yes! he held a primer! I did not think it would be embarrassing tohim to meet me under such circumstances; I only thought of Jimmy'sfriend as escaping from a sad fate; so I rushed down a levee twentyfeet high, saying, "O Mr. Read! You won't recognize me, but I amJimmy's sister!" He blushed modestly, shook my hand as though we wereold friends, and assured me he remembered me, was glad to meet me, etc. Then Miriam came down and talked to him, and then we went to the top ofthe levee where the rest were, and watched the poor Arkansas burn. 

By that time the crowd that had gone up the road came back, and wefound ourselves in the centre of two hundred men, just we five girls, talking with the officers around us as though they were old friends. You could only _guess_ they were officers, for a dirtier, more forlornset I never saw. Not _dirty_ either; they looked clean, considering thework they had been doing. Nobody introduced anybody else; we all feltlike brothers and sisters in our common calamity. There was onehandsome Kentuckian, whose name I soon found to be Talbot, who lookedcharmingly picturesque in his coarse cottonade pants, white shirt, straw hat, black hair, beard, and eyes, with rosy cheeks. He was agraduate of the Naval Academy some years ago. Then another jolly-facedyoung man from the same Academy, pleased me, too. He, the doctor, andthe Captain, were the only ones who possessed a coat in the wholecrowd, the few who saved theirs carrying them over their arms. Mr. Readmore than once blushingly remarked that they were prepared to fight, and hardly expected to meet us; but we pretended to think there wasnothing unusual in his dress. I can understand, though, that he shouldfeel rather awkward; I would not like to meet _him_, if I was in thesame costume. 

They all talked over their loss cheerfully, as far as the loss ofmoney, watches, clothes, were concerned; but they were disheartenedabout their boat. One threw himself down near my feet, saying, "_Mevoilà. _ I have saved my gun, _et puis_ the clothes that I stand in!"and laughed as though it were an excellent joke. One who had been onthe Merrimac chiefly regretted the loss of the commission appointinghim there, though he had not saved a single article. The one with thejolly face told me Will Pinckney was among those attacking Baton Rouge, and assured him he expected to take supper there last night. He thoughtit would be with us, I know! I hope he is safe!

After a while the men were ordered to march up the lane, to someresting spot it is best not to mention here, and straggled off; butthere were many sick among them, one wounded at Vicksburg, and weinstantly voted to walk the mile and three quarters home, and give themthe carriage and buggy. But long after they left, we stood with our newfriends on the levee watching the last of the Arkansas, and saw theEssex, and two gunboats crowded with men, cautiously turn the point, and watch her burn. What made me furious was the thought of the glowingaccounts they would give of their "capture of the Arkansas!!!" Capture, and they fired a shot apiece!--for all the firing we heard was thedischarge of her guns by the flames. We saw them go back as cautiously, and I was furious, knowing the accounts they would publish of what weourselves had destroyed. We had seen many shells explode, and onemagazine, and would have waited for the other, if the clouds had notthreatened rain speedily. But we had to leave her a mere wreck, stillburning, and started off on our long walk. 

In our hurry, I had brought neither handkerchief nor gloves, but hardlymissed either, I was so excited. Mr. Talbot walked home with me, andeach of the others with some one else. He had a small bundle and asword, and the latter I insisted on carrying. It was something, toshoulder a sword made for use rather than for ornament! So I _would_carry it. He said "he would remember who had carried it, and therecollection would give it a new value in his eyes, and I might restassured it should never be disgraced after _that_, " and all that sortof thing, _of course_, as it is usual to say it on such occasions. ButI shouldered the sword bravely, determined to show my appreciation ofthe sacrifice they had made for us, in coming to our rescue on a boatthey had every reason to believe was unsafe. I liked Mr. Talbot! Hemade himself very agreeable in that long walk. He asked permission tosend me a trophy from the first action in which he used "that" sword, and _didn't_ I say yes! He thought Southern men had every encouragementin the world, from the fact that the ladies welcomed them with greatkindness in victory or defeat, insinuating he thought they hardlydeserved our compassion after their failure on the Arkansas. But Istoutly denied that it _was_ a failure. Had they not done their best?Was it their fault the machinery broke? And in defeat or victory, werethey not still fighting for us? Were we the less grateful when they metwith reverse? Oh, didn't I laud the Southern men with my wholeheart!--and I think he felt better for it, too! Yes! I like him!

We all met at the steps, and water was given to our cavaliers, whocertainly enjoyed it. We could not ask them in, as Dr. Nolan is on hisparole; but Phillie intimated that if they chose to order, they mightdo as they pleased, as women could not resist armed men! So they tookpossession of the sugar-house, and helped themselves to something toeat, and were welcome to do it, since no one could prevent! But theyfirst stood talking on the balcony, gayly, and we parted with many warmwishes on both sides, insisting that, if they assisted at a secondattack on Baton Rouge, they must remember our house was at theirservice, wounded or in health. And they all shook hands with us, andlooked pleased, and said "God bless you, " and "Good-bye. "

 Evening. 

I heard a while ago, the doctor of the Ram, who brought back the buggy, say the Arkansas's crew were about leaving; so remembering poor Mr. Read had lost everything, mother, suggesting he might need money, gaveme twenty dollars to put in his hands, as some slight help towardsreaching his destination. Besides, coming from Jimmy's mother, he couldnot have been hurt. But when I got down, he was far up the lane, walking too fast for me to overtake him; then I tried to catch Mr. Stephenson, to give it to him for me, but failed. Presently, we saw Iam afraid to say how many wagons loaded with them, coming from thesugar-house; so Phillie, Lilly, and I snatched up some five bottles ofgin, between us, and ran out to give it to them. A rough old sailorreceived mine with a flood of thanks, and the others gave theirs tothose behind. An officer rode up saying, "Ladies, there is no help forit! The Yankee cavalry are after us, and we must fight them in thecorn. Take care of yourselves!" We shouted "Yes!" told them to bring inthe wounded and we would nurse them. Then the men cried, "God blessyou, " and we cried, "Hurrah for the Arkansas's crew, " and "Fight forus!" Altogether it was a most affecting scene. Phillie, seeing howpoorly armed they were, suggested a gun, which I flew after anddelivered to a rough old tar. When I got out, the cart then passingheld Mr. Talbot, who smiled benignly and waved his hat like the rest. He looked still better in his black coat, but the carts reminded me ofwhat the guillotine days must have been in France. He shouted"Good-bye, " we shouted "Come to us, if you are wounded"; he smiled andbowed, and I cried, "_Use_ that sword!"--whereupon he sprang to hisfeet and grasped the hilt as though about to commence. Then came otherofficers; Mr. Scales, Mr. Barblaud, etc. , who smiled recognition, stopped the wagon as Phillie handed up a plate of bread and meat, andtalked gayly as they divided it, until the Captain rode up. "On, gentlemen! not a moment to lose!" Then the cart started off, the emptyplate was flung overboard, and they rode off waving hats and crying, "God bless you, ladies!" in answer to our repeated offers of takingcare of them if they were hurt. And they have gone to meet the Yankees, and I hope they _won't_, for they have worked enough to-day, and frommy heart I pray God prosper those brave men!

 August 7th. 

Last night, shortly after we got in bed, we were roused by loudcannonading towards Baton Rouge, and running out on the small balconyup here, saw the light of a great fire in that direction. From theconstant reports, and the explosion of what seemed to be several powdermagazines, we imagined it to be either the Garrison or a gunboat. Whatever it was, it was certainly a great fire. We all ran out in ournightgowns, and watched for an hour in the damp air, I without evenshoes. We listened to the fight a long while, until the sound ceased, and we went back to bed. 

 Evening. 

I am so disheartened! I have been listening with the others to a manwho was telling us about Baton Rouge, until I am heartsick. He says theYankees have been largely reinforced, and are prepared for anotherattack which will probably take place to-morrow; that the fight was adreadful one, we driving them in, and losing twelve hundred, to theirfifteen hundred. It must have been awful! And that our troops haveresolved to burn the town down, since they cannot hold it under thefire of the gunboats. 

 August 8th, Friday. 

Again last night, about nine, we heard cannon in Baton Rouge, andwatched the flashes, which preceded the reports by a minute, at least, for a long time. We must have seen our own firing; perhaps we wanted tofind out the batteries of the enemy. It was not the most delightfulthing imaginable to watch what might be the downfall of our only home!And then to think each ball might bring death to some one we love! Ah, no! it was not pleasant!

Miriam and I have many friends in Breckinridge's division, I expect, ifwe could only hear the names of the regiments. The Fourth is certainlythere. And poor Will! I wonder if he has had his supper yet? I havebeen thinking of him ever since Mr. Scales told me he was there, andpraying myself sick for his safety and that of the rest. I shut my eyesat every report and say, "Oh, please! poor Will!--and the others, too!"And when I _don't_ hear the cannon, I pray, to be in advance of thenext. 

It is now midday, and again we hear firing; but have yet to learn thetrue story of the first day's fight. Preserve me from the country insuch stirring days! We might as well be in Europe as to have theMississippi between us and town. 

By unanimous consent, the little lane in front of the house has beenchristened "Guerrilla Lane, " and the long one leading to the river, "Arkansas. " What an episode that was, in our lives! The officers go bythe name of Miriam's, Ginnie's, Sarah's, as though they belonged toeach!

Those girls did me the meanest thing imaginable. Mr. Talbot and I wereplanning a grand combined attack on Baton Rouge, in which he was tocommand a fleet and attack the town by the river, while I promised toget up a battalion of girls and attack them in the rear. We had settledit all, except the time, when just then all the others stopped talking. I went on: "And now, it is only necessary for you to name the day--"Here the girls commenced to giggle, and the young men tried to suppressa smile; I felt annoyed, but it did not strike me until after they hadleft, that I had said anything absurd. What evil imaginations they musthave, if they could have fancied I meant anything except the battle!

 August 9th. 

To our great surprise, Charlie came in this morning from the otherside. He was in the battle, and General Carter, and dozens of othersthat we did not think of. See the mountain reduced to a mole-hill! Hesays, though the fight was desperate, we lost only eighty-five killed, and less than a hundred and fifty wounded! And we had only twenty-fivehundred against the Yankees' four thousand five hundred. There is notruth in our having held the Garrison even for a moment, though wedrove them down to the river in a panic. The majority ran like finefellows, but a Maine regiment fought like devils. He says Will andThompson Bird set fire to the Yankee camp with the greatest alacrity, as though it were rare fun. General Williams was killed as he passedPiper's, by a shot from a window, supposed to have been fired by acitizen. Some one from town told him that the Federals were breaking inthe houses, destroying the furniture, and tearing the clothes of thewomen and children in shreds, like maniacs. O my home! I wonder if theyhave entered ours? What a jolly time they would have over all theletters I left in my desk! Butler has ordered them to burn Baton Rougeif forced to evacuate it. Looks as though he was not so sure of holdingit. 

Miss Turner told Miriam that her mother attempted to enter town afterthe fight to save some things, when the gallant Colonel Dudley put apistol to her head, called her an old she-devil, and told her he wouldblow her d---- brains out if she moved a step; that anyhow, none but wed---- women had put the men up to fighting, and we were the ones whowere to blame for the fuss. There is no name he did not call us. 

 August 10th, Sunday. 

Is this really Sunday? Never felt less pious, or less seriouslydisposed! Listen to my story, and though I will, of course, fall farshort of the actual terror that reigned, yet it will show it in alukewarm light, that can at least recall the excitement to me. 

To begin, then, last evening, about six o'clock, as we sat reading, sewing, and making lint in the parlor, we heard a tremendous shellwhizzing past, which those who watched, said passed not five feet abovethe house. Of course, there was a slight stir among theunsophisticated; though we, who had passed through bombardments, sieges, and alarms of all kinds, coolly remarked, "a shell, " and keptquiet. (The latter class was not very numerous. ) It was from one of thethree Yankee boats that lay in the river close by (the Essex and twogunboats), which were sweeping teams, provisions, and negroes from allthe plantations they stopped at from Baton Rouge up. The negroes, it isstated, are to be armed against us as in town, where all those whomanned the cannon on Tuesday were, for the most part, killed; andserved them right! Another shell was fired at a carriage containingMrs. Durald and several children, under pretense of discovering if shewas a guerrilla, doubtless. Fortunately, she was not hurt, however. 

By the time the little _émeute_ had subsided, determined to have afrolic, Miss Walters, Ginnie, and I got on our horses, and rode offdown the Arkansas Lane, to have a gallop and a peep at the gunboatsfrom the levee. But mother's entreaties prevented us from going thatnear, as she cried that it was well known they fired at every horse orvehicle they saw in the road, seeing a thousand guerrillas in everypuff of dust, and we were sure to be killed, murdered, and all sorts ofbloody deaths awaited us; so to satisfy her, we took the road about amile from the river, in full view, however. We had not gone very farbefore we met a Mr. Watson, a plain farmer of the neighborhood, whobegged us to go back. "You'll be fired on, ladies, sure! You don't knowthe danger! Take my advice and go home as quick as possible before theyshell you! They shot buggies and carriages, and of course they won'tmind _horses_ with women! Please go home!" But Ginnie, who had taken afancy to go on, acted as spokeswoman, and determined to go on in spiteof his advice, so, nothing loath to follow her example, we thanked him, and rode on. Another met us; looked doubtful, said it was not sodangerous if the Yankees did not see the dust; but if they did, wewould be pretty apt to see a shell soon after. Here was frolic! So werode on some mile or two beyond, but failing to see anything startling, turned back again. 

About two miles from here, we met Mr. Watson coming at full speed. Theladies, he said, had sent him after us in all haste; there was a reportthat the whole coast was to be shelled; a lady had passed, flying withher children; the carriage was ordered out; they were only waiting forus, to run, too. We did not believe a word of it, and were indignant attheir credulity, as well as determined to persuade them to remain wherethey were, if possible. When told their plan was to run to the houseformerly used as a guerrilla camp, we laughed heartily. Suppose theYankees fired a shell into it to discover its inhabitants? The idea ofchoosing a spot so well known! And what fun in running to a miserablehole, when we might sleep comfortably here? I am afraid rebellion wasin the air. Indeed, an impudent little negro, who threw open the gatefor us, interrupted Ginnie in the midst of a tirade with a sly "Here'sthe beginning of a little fuss!"

We found them all crazy with fear. I did not say much; I was tooprovoked to trust myself to argue with so many frightened women. I onlysaid I saw no necessity. Ginnie resisted; but finally succumbed. Mr. Watson, whom we had enlisted on our side also, said it was by no meansnecessary, but if we were determined, we might go to his house, aboutfour miles away, and stay there. It was very small, but we werewelcome. We had in the mean time thrown off our riding-skirts, andstood just in our plain dresses, though the others were freshly dressedfor an exodus. Before the man left, the carriage came, though by thattime we had drawn half the party on our side; we said we would takesupper, and decide after, so he went off. 

In a few moments a rocket went up from one of the boats, whichattracted our attention. Five minutes after, we saw a flash directlybefore us. "See it? Lightning, I expect, " said Phillie. The others allagreed; but I kept quiet, knowing that some, at least, knew what it wasas well as I, and determined not to give the alarm--for I was beginningto feel foolish. Before half a minute more came a tearing, hissingsound, a sky-rocket whose music I had heard before. Instantly Iremembered my running-bag, and flew upstairs to get it, escaping justin time from the scene which followed on the gallery which wasafterwards most humorously described to me. But I was out of hearing ofthe screams of each (and yet I must have heard them); neither saw MissWalters tumble against the wall, nor mother turn over her chair, northe general _mêlée_ that followed, in which Mrs. Walters, trying toscale the carriage, was pulled out by Uncle Will, who shouted to hisplunging horses first, then to the other unreasoning creatures, "Woa, there! 'Tain't safe! Take to the fields! Take to the woods! Run to thesugar-house! Take to your heels!" in a frenzy of excitement. 

I escaped all that, and was putting on my hoops and hastily catching upany article that presented itself to me in my speed, when the shellburst over the roof, and went rolling down on the gallery, according tothe account of those then below. Two went far over the house, out ofsight. All three were seen by Mr. Watson, who came galloping up in afew moments, crying, "Ladies, for God's sake, leave the house!" Then Iheard mother calling, "Sarah! You will be killed! Leave your clothesand run!"--and a hundred ejaculations that came too fast for me toanswer except by an occasional "Coming, if you will send me a candle!"Candle was the same as though I had demanded a hand-grenade, inmother's opinion, for she was sure it would be the signal for abombardment of my exposed room; so I tossed down my bundles, sweptcombs and hairpins into my bosom (all points up), and ravished a candlefrom some one. How quickly I got on, then! I saved the most useless ofarticles with the greatest zeal, and probably left the most serviceableones. One single dress did my running-bag contain--a white linencambric with a tiny pink flower--the one I wore when I told Halgood-bye for the last time. The others I left. 

When I got down with my knapsack, mother, Phillie, and Mrs. Walterswere--

 AT RANDALLSON'S LANDING, August 11th. 

I don't mean those ladies were, but that I am at present. I'll accountfor it after I have disposed of the stampede. Imagine no interruption, and continue--in the carriage urging Uncle Will to hurry on, and I hadhardly time to thrust my sack under their feet before they were off. Lilly and Miss Walters were already in the buggy, leaving Ginnie and meto follow on horseback. I ran up after my riding-skirt, which I wassurprised to find behind a trunk, and rolled up in it was myrunning-bag, with all my treasures! I was very much provoked at mycarelessness; indeed, I cannot imagine how it got there, for it was thefirst thing I thought of. When I got back, there was no one to be seenexcept Ginnie and two negroes who held our horses, and who disappearedthe instant we were mounted; with the exception of two women who wererunning to the woods, we were the only ones on the lot, until Mr. Watson galloped up to urge us on. Again I had to notice thispeculiarity about women--that the married ones are invariably the firstto fly, in time of danger, and always leave the young ones to take careof themselves. Here were our three matrons, prophesying that the housewould be burnt, the Yankees upon us, and all murdered in ten minutes, flying down the Guerrilla Lane, and leaving us to encounter the horrorsthey foretold, alone. 

It was a splendid gallop in the bright moonlight, over the fields, onlyit was made uncomfortable by the jerking of my running-bag, until Ihappily thought of turning it before. A hard ride of four miles inabout twenty minutes brought us to the house of the man who so kindlyoffered his hospitality. It was a little hut, about as large as ourparlor, and already crowded to overflowing, as he was entertainingthree families from Baton Rouge. Can't imagine where he put them, either. But it seems to me the poorer the man, and the smaller thehouse, the greater the hospitality you meet with. There were so many ofus that there was not room on the balcony to turn. The man wanted toprepare supper, but we declined, as Phillie had sent back for ourswhich we had missed. 

I saw another instance of the pleasure the vulgar take in the horrible. A Mr. Hill, speaking of Dr. Nolan, told Phillie "he had no doubt he hadbeen sent to New Orleans on the Whiteman, that carried GeneralWilliams's body; and that every soul had gone down on her. "Fortunately, just then the overseer brought a letter from him saying hehad gone on another boat, or the man's relish of the distressing mighthave been gratified. 

It was so crowded there that we soon suggested going a short distancebeyond, to Mr. Lobdell's, and staying there for the night, as allstrenuously objected to our returning home, as there was danger fromprowling Yankees. So we mounted again, and after a short ride wereached the house, where all were evidently asleep. But necessity knowsno rules; and the driver soon aroused an old gentleman who came out andinvited us in. A middle-aged lady met us, and made us perfectly at homeby leaving us to take care of ourselves; most people would have thoughtit indifference; but I knew it was _manque de savoir faire_, merely, and preferred doing as I pleased. If she had been officious, I wouldhave been embarrassed. So we walked in the moonlight, Ginnie and I, while the rest sat in the shade, and all discussed the fun of theevening, those who had been most alarmed laughing loudest. The oldgentleman insisted that we girls had been the cause of it all; that ourwhite bodies (I wore a Russian shirt) and black skirts could easilyhave caused us to be mistaken for men. That, at all events, three orfour people on horseback would be a sufficient pretext for firing ashell or two. "In short, young ladies, " he said, "there is no doubt inmy mind that you were mistaken for guerrillas, and that they onlywanted to give you time to reach the woods where they heard they have acamp, before shooting at you. In short, take my advice and never mounta horse again when there is a Yankee in sight. " We were highlygratified at being mistaken for them, and pretended to believe it wastrue. I hardly think he was right, though; it is too preposterous. 

_Pourtant_, Sunday morning the Yankees told a negro they did not meanto touch the house, but were shooting at some guerrillas at a camp justbeyond. We know the last guerrilla left the parish five days ago. 

Our host insisted on giving us supper, though Phillie represented thatours was on the road; and by eleven o'clock, tired alike of moonlightand fasting, we gladly accepted, and rapidly made the preserves andbatter-cakes fly. Ours was a garret room, well finished, abounding inodd closets and corners, with curious dormer windows that were reachedby long little corridors. I should have slept well; but I lay awake allnight. Mother and I occupied a narrow single bed, with a bar of thethickest, heaviest material imaginable. Suffocation awaited me inside, gnats and mosquitoes outside. In order to be strictly impartial, I layawake to divide my time equally between the two attractions, and thinkI succeeded pretty well. So I spent the night on the extreme edge ofthe bed, never turning over, but fanning mother constantly. I was notsorry when daybreak appeared, but dressed and ascended the observatoryto get a breath of air. 

Below me, I beheld four wagons loaded with the young Mrs. Lobdell'sbaggage. The Yankees had visited them in the evening, swept offeverything they could lay their hands on, and with a sick child she wasobliged to leave her house in the night and fly to her father-in-law. Iwondered at their allowing her four wagons of trunks and bundles; itwas very kind. If I were a Federal, I think it would kill me to hearthe whisper of "Hide the silver" wherever I came. Their havingfrequently relieved families of such trifles, along with negroes, teams, etc. , has put others on their guard now. As I sat in the parlorin the early morning, Mrs. Walters _en blouse volante_ and all_échevelée_, came in to tell me of Mr. Lobdell's misfortunes. "Theytook his negroes [right hand up]; his teams [left hand up]; hispreserves [both hands clutching her hair]; they swept off everything, except four old women who could not walk! they told him if he didn'tcome report himself, they'd come fetch him in three days! They beggaredhim!" [Both eyes rolling like a ship in a storm. ] I could not helplaughing. Mr. Bird sat on the gallery, and had been served in the sameway, with the addition of a pair of handcuffs for a little while. Itwas not a laughing matter; but the old lady made it comical by hergestures. 

When we suggested returning, there was another difficulty. All said itwas madness; that the Yankees would sack the house and burn it over ourheads; we would be insulted, etc. I said no one yet had ever said animpudent thing to me, and Yankees certainly would not attempt it; butthe old gentleman told me I did not know what I was talking about; so Ihushed, but determined to return. Ginnie and I sat an hour on horsebackwaiting for the others to settle what they would do; and after havinghalf-roasted ourselves in the sun, they finally agreed to go, too, andwe set off in a gallop which we never broke until we reached the house, which to our great delight we found standing, and not infested withYankees. 

 LINWOOD, August 12th. 

Another resting-place! Out of reach of shells for the first time sincelast April! For how long, I wonder? For wherever we go, we bring shellsand Yankees. Would not be surprised at a visit from them out here, now!

Let me take up the thread of that never-ending story, and account formy present position. It all seems tame now; but it was very exciting atthe time. 

As soon as I threw down bonnet and gloves, I commenced writing; butbefore I had halfway finished, mother, who had been holding aconsultation downstairs, ran up to say the overseer had advised us allto leave, as the place was not safe; and that I must pack up instantly, as, unless we got off before the Essex came up, it would be impossibleto leave at all. All was commotion; every one flew to pack up. Philliedetermined to go to her friends at Grosse Tête, and insisted oncarrying us off with her. But I determined to reach Miriam and Lilly ifpossible, rather than put the Federal army between us. All _endéshabillé_, I commenced to pack our trunk, but had scarcely put anarticle in when they cried the Essex was rounding the point, and ourlast opportunity passing away. Then I flew; and by the time the boatgot opposite to us, the trunk was locked, and I sat on it, completelydressed, waiting for the wagon, We had then to wait for the boat to getout of sight, to avoid a broadside; so it was half-past ten before weset off, fortified by several glasses of buttermilk apiece. 

All went in the carriage except Ginnie, Lilly (Nolan), and me, and weperched on the baggage in the wagon. Such stifling heat! The wagonjarred dreadfully, and seated at the extreme end, on a wooden trunktraversed by narrow slats, Ginnie and I were jolted until we lost ourbreath, all down Arkansas Lane, when we changed for the front part. Ishall never forget the heat of that day. 

Four miles beyond, the carriage stopped at some house, and, stilldetermined to get over the river, I stepped into the little cart thatheld our trunks, drove up to the side of it, and insisted on mother'sgetting in, rather than going the other way with Phillie. I had aslight discussion, and overcame mother's reluctance to Phillie'sobjections with some difficulty; but finally prevailed on the former toget into the cart, and jolted off amid a shower of reproaches, regrets, and good-byes. I knew I was right, though; and the idea reconciled meto the heat, dust, jarring, and gunboat that was coming up behind us. 

Six miles more brought us to Mr. Cain's, where we arrived at twoo'clock, tired, dirty, and almost unrecognizable. We were received withthe greatest cordiality in spite of that. Mother knew both him and hiswife, but though I had never seen either, the latter kissed me asaffectionately as though we had known each other. It was impossible tocross when the gunboat was in sight, so they made us stay with themuntil the next morning. A bath and clean clothes soon made me quitepresentable, and I really enjoyed the kindness we met with, in spite ofa "tearing" headache, and a distended feeling about the eyes as thoughI never meant to close them again--the consequence of my vigil, Ipresume. O those dear, kind people! I shall not soon forget them. Mr. Cain told mother he believed he would keep me; at all events, he wouldmake an exchange, and give her his only son in my place. I told him Iwas willing, as mother thought much more of her sons than of herdaughters. 

I forgot to say that we met General Allen's partner a mile or two fromDr. Nolan's, who told us it was a wise move; that he had intendedrecommending it. All he owned had been carried off, his plantationstripped. He said he had no doubt that all the coast would be ravaged, and they had promised to burn his and many other houses; and Dr. Nolan's--though it might _possibly_ be spared in consideration ofhis being a prisoner, and his daughter being unprotected--would mostprobably suffer with the rest, but even if spared, it was no place forwomen. He offered to take charge of us all, and send the furniture intothe interior before the Yankees should land, which Phillie gladlyaccepted. 

What a splendid rest I had at Mrs. Cain's! I was not conscious of beingalive until I awaked abruptly in the early morning, with a confusedsense of having dreamed something very pleasant. 

Mr. Cain accompanied us to the ferry some miles above, riding by thebuggy; and leaving us under care of Mr. Randallson, after seeing us inthe large flat, took his leave. After an hour spent at the hotel afterlanding on this side, we procured a conveyance and came on to Mr. Elder's, where we astonished Lilly by our unexpected appearance verymuch. Miriam had gone over to spend the day with her, so we were alltogether, and talked over our adventures with the greatest glee. Afterdinner Miriam and I came over here to see them all, leaving the othersto follow later. I was very glad to see Helen Carter once more. If Iwas not, I hope I may live in Yankee-land!--and I can't invoke a moredreadful punishment than that. 

Well! here we are, and Heaven only knows our next move. But we mustsettle on some spot, which seems impossible in the present state ofaffairs, when no lodgings are to be found. I feel like a homelessbeggar. Will Pinckney told them here that he doubted if our house werestill standing, as the fight occurred just back of it, and every volleydirected towards it. He says he thought of it every time the cannon wasfired, knowing where the shot would go. 

 August 13th. 

I am in despair. Miss Jones, who has just made her escape from town, brings a most dreadful account. She, with seventy-five others, tookrefuge at Dr. Enders's, more than a mile and a half below town, atHall's. It was there we sent the two trunks containing father's papersand our clothing and silver. Hearing that guerrillas had been there, the Yankees went down, shelled the house in the night, turning allthose women and children out, who barely escaped with their clothing, and let the soldiers loose on it. They destroyed everything they couldlay their hands on, if it could not be carried off; broke open armoirs, trunks, sacked the house, and left it one scene of devastation andruin. They even stole Miss Jones's braid! She got here with nothing butthe clothes she wore. 

This is a dreadful blow to me. Yesterday, I thought myself beggaredwhen I heard that our house was probably burnt, remembering all theclothing, books, furniture, etc. , that it contained; but I consoledmyself with the recollection of a large trunk packed in the mostscientific style, containing quantities of nightgowns, skirts, chemises, dresses, cloaks, --in short, our very best, --which was insafety. Winter had no terrors when I thought of the nice warm clothes;I only wished I had a few of the organdie dresses I had packed upbefore wearing. And now? It is all gone, silver, father's law papers, without which we are beggars, and clothing! Nothing left!

I could stand that. But as each little article of Harry's came upbefore me (I had put many in the trunk), I lost heart.... They mayclothe their negro women with my clothes, since they only steal forthem; but to take things so sacred to me! O my God, teach me to forgivethem!

Poor Miss Jones! They went into her clothes-bag and took out articleswhich were certainly of no service to them, for mere deviltry. Thereare so many sufferers in this case that it makes it still worse. Theplantation just below was served in the same way; whole families firedinto before they knew of the intention of the Yankees; was it not finesport? I have always been an advocate of peace--if we could name theconditions _ourselves_--but I say, War to the death! I would give mylife to be able to take arms against the vandals who are laying wasteour fair land! I suppose it is because I have no longer anything tolose that I am desperate. Before, I always opposed the burning of BatonRouge, as a useless piece of barbarism in turning out five thousandwomen and children on the charity of the world. But I noticed thatthose who had no interest there warmly advocated it. Lilly Nolan criedloudly for it; thought it only just; but the first shell that whistledover her father's house made her crazy with rage. The brutes! thebeasts! how cruel! wicked! etc. It was too near home for her, then. There is the greatest difference between _my_ property and _yours_. Inotice that the further I get from town, the more ardent are the peopleto have it burned. It recalls very forcibly Thackeray's cut in "TheVirginians, " when speaking of the determination of the Rebels to burnthe cities: he says he observed that all those who were most eager toburn New York were inhabitants of Boston; while those who were mostzealous to burn Boston had all their property in New York. It is trueall the world over. And I am afraid I am becoming indifferent about thefate of our town. Anything, so it is speedily settled! Tell me it wouldbe of service to the Confederacy, and I would set fire to my home--ifstill standing--willingly! But would it?

 August 17th. 

Another Sunday. Strange that the time, which should seem so endless, flies so rapidly! Miriam complains that Sunday comes every day; butthough that seems a little too much, I insist that it comes twice aweek. Let time fly, though; for each day brings us so much nearer ourdestiny, which I long to know. 

Thursday, we heard from a lady just from town that our house wasstanding the day before, which somewhat consoled us for the loss of oursilver and clothing; but yesterday came the tidings of new afflictions. I declare we have acted out the first chapter of Job, all except thatverse about the death of his sons and daughters. God shield us fromthat! I do not mind the rest. "While he was yet speaking, another camein and said, 'Thy brethren and kinsmen gathered together to wrest thineabode from the hand of the Philistines which pressed sore upon thee;when lo! the Philistines sallied forth with fire and sword, and laidthine habitation waste and desolate, and I only am escaped to tellthee. '" Yes! the Yankees, fearing the Confederates might slip inunseen, resolved to have full view of their movements, so put the torchto all eastward, from Colonel Matta's to the Advocate. That would layopen a fine tract of country, alone; but unfortunately, it is said thatonce started, it was not so easy to control the flames, which spreadconsiderably beyond their appointed limits. Some say it went as far asFlorida Street; if so, we are lost, as that is a half-square below us. For several days the fire has been burning, but very little can belearned of the particulars. I am sorry for Colonel Matta. Such a finebrown stone front, the finest in town. Poor Minna! poverty will hardlyagree with her. As for our home, I hope against hope. I will notbelieve it is burnt, until somebody declares having been present onthat occasion. Yet so many frame houses on that square must havereadily caught fire from the sparks. 

Wicked as it may seem, I would rather have all I own burned, than inthe possession of the negroes. Fancy my magenta organdie on a darkbeauty! Bah! I think the sight would enrage me! Miss Jones's trials areenough to drive her crazy. She had the pleasure of having four officersin her house, men who sported epaulets and red sashes, accompanied by anegro woman, at whose disposal all articles were placed. The worthycompanion of these "gentlemen" walked around selecting things with themost natural airs and graces. "_This_, " she would say, "we _must_have. And some of these books, you know; and all the preserves, andthese chairs and tables, and all the clothes, of course; and yes! therest of these things. " So she would go on, the "gentlemen" assuring hershe had only to choose what she wanted, and that they would have themremoved immediately. Madame thought they really must have the wine, andthose handsome cut-glass goblets. I hardly think I could have enduredsuch a scene; to see all I owned given to negroes, without even anaccusation being brought against me of disloyalty. [8] One officerdeparted with a fine velvet cloak on his arm; another took such abundle of Miss Jones's clothes, that he had to have it lifted by someone else on his horse, and rode off holding it with difficulty. This Iheard from herself, yesterday, as I spent the day with Lilly and motherat Mr. Elder's, where she is now staying. Can anything more disgracefulbe imagined? They all console me by saying there is no one in BatonRouge who could possibly wear my dresses without adding a considerablepiece to the belt. But that is nonsense. Another pull at the corsetstrings would bring them easily to the size I have been reduced bynature and bones. Besides, O horror! Suppose, instead, they should letin a piece of another color? That would annihilate me! Pshaw! I do notcare for the dresses, if they had only left me those little articles offather's and Harry's. But that is hard to forgive. 

 [8] The Act of July 16th, 1862, authorized the confiscation of property only in the cases of rebels whose disloyalty was established. --W. D. 

 August 19th. 

Yesterday, two Colonels, Shields and Breaux, both of whom distinguishedthemselves in the battle of Baton Rouge, dined here. Their personalappearance was by no means calculated to fill me with awe, or even togive one an idea of their rank; for their dress consisted of merelycottonade pants, flannel shirts, and extremely short jackets (which, however, is rapidly becoming the uniform of the Confederate States). 

 * * * * *

Just three lines back, three soldiers came in to ask for molasses. Iwas alone downstairs, and the nervous trepidation with which I receivedthe dirty, coarsely clad strangers, who, however, looked as though theymight be gentlemen, has raised a laugh against me from the others wholooked down from a place of safety. I don't know what I did that wasout of the way. I felt odd receiving them as though it was my home, andhaving to answer their questions about buying, by means of acting astelegraph between them and Mrs. Carter. I confess to that. But I know Italked reasonably about the other subjects. Playing hostess in astrange house! Of course, it was uncomfortable! and to add to myembarrassment, the handsomest one offered to pay for the milk he hadjust drunk! Fancy my feelings, as I hastened to assure him that GeneralCarter never received money for such things, and from a soldier, besides, it was not to be thought of! He turned to the other, saying, "In Mississippi we don't meet with such people! Miss, they don'thesitate to charge four bits a canteen for milk. They take all theycan. They are not like you Louisianians. " I was surprised to hear himsay it of his own State, but told him we thought here we could not doenough for them. 

 August 20th. 

Last evening, after hard labor at pulling molasses candy, needing somerelaxation after our severe exertions, we determined to have some fun, though the sun was just setting in clouds as watery as New Orleansmilk, and promised an early twilight. All day it had been drizzling, but that was nothing; so Anna Badger, Miriam, and I set off, throughthe mud, to get up the little cart to ride in, followed by cries fromthe elder ladies of "Girls! Soap is a dollar and a half a bar! Starch adollar a pound! Take up those skirts!" We had all started stiff andclean, and it did seem a pity to let them drag; so up they went--youcan imagine how high when I tell you my answer to Anna's question as towhether hers were in danger of touching the mud, was, "Not unless yousit down. "

The only animal we could discover that was not employed was a poor oldpony, most appropriately called "Tom Thumb, " and him we seizedinstantly, together with a man to harness him. We accompanied him fromthe stable to the quarter where the cart was, through mud and water, urging him on with shouts and cries, and laughing until we could laughno longer, at the appearance of each. The cart had been hauling wood, but that was nothing to us. In we tumbled, and with a driver asdiminutive as the horse, started off for Mr. Elder's, where we pickedup all the children to be found, and went on. All told, we were twelve, drawn by that poor horse, who seemed at each step about to undergo theham process, and leave us his hind quarters, while he escaped with thefore ones and harness. I dare say we never enjoyed a carriage as much, though each was holding a muddy child. Riding was very fine; but sooncame the question, "How shall we turn?"--which was not so easilysolved, for neither horse nor boy understood it in the least. Everyeffort to describe a circle brought us the length of the cart fartherup the road, and we promised fair to reach Bayou Sara before morning, at that rate. At last, after fruitless efforts to dodge under theharness and escape, pony came to a standstill, and could not be inducedto move. The children took advantage of the pause to tumble out, but wesat still. Bogged, and it was very dark already! Wouldn't we get itwhen we got home! Anna groaned, "Uncle Albert!" Miriam laughed, "theGeneral!" I sighed, "Mrs. Carter!" We knew what we deserved; and darkerand darker it grew, and pony still inflexible! At last we beheld abuggy on a road near by and in answer to Morgan's shouts of "Uncle!Uncle! come turn our cart!" a gentleman jumped out and in an instantperformed the Herculean task. Pony found motion so agreeable that itwas with the greatest difficulty we prevailed on him to stop while wefished seven children out of the mud, as they pursued his flying hoofs. Once more at Mr. Elder's, we pitched them out without ceremony, anddrove home as fast as possible, trying to fancy what punishment wewould receive for being out so late. 

Miriam suggested, as the most horrible one, being sent to bedsupperless; Anna's terror was the General's displeasure; I suggestedbeing deprived of rides in future; when all agreed that mine was themost severe yet. So as we drove around the circle, those two set upwhat was meant for a hearty laugh to show "they were not afraid, "which, however, sounded rather shaky to me. I don't think any of usfelt like facing the elders; Miriam suggested anticipating our fate byretiring voluntarily to bed; Anna thought we had best run up and changeour shoes, anyway; but at last, with her dare-devil laugh, Miriamsauntered into the room, where they all were, followed by us, andthrusting her wet feet into the fire that was kindled to drive away thedamp (followed also by us), commenced a laughable account of ourfun--in which we, of course, followed, too. If I had fancied we were toescape scot free, we would most surely have got a scolding. It isalmost an inducement to hope always for the--worst! The General did notmention the hour! did not prohibit future rides!

While we were yet toasting, a negro came in with what seemed abank-note, and asked his master to see how much it was, as one of thewomen had sold some of her watermelons to the three soldiers of themorning, who had given that to her for a dollar. The General opened it. It was a pass! So vanish all faith in human nature! They looked sohonest! I could never have believed it of them! But it looked so muchlike the "shinplasters" we are forced to use, that no wonder they madethe mistake. To discover who had played so mean a trick on the poor oldwoman, the General asked me if I could decipher the name. I threwmyself on my knees by the hearth, and by the flickering light read "S. Kimes. By order of C! H!! Luzenberg!!! Provost Marshal!!!! Onolona, Miss. , " with a gasp of astonishment that raised a burst of laughteragainst me. Thought he was taken prisoner long ago! At all events, Ididn't know he had turned banker, or that his valuable autograph wasworth a dollar!

 August 21st. 

Miriam and mother are going to Baton Rouge in a few hours, to see ifanything can be saved from the general wreck. From the reports of theremoval of the Penitentiary machinery, State Library, WashingtonStatue, etc. , we presume that that part of the town yet standing is tobe burnt like the rest. I think, though, that mother has delayed toolong. However, I dreamed last night that we had saved a great deal, intrunks; and my dreams sometimes come true. Waking with that impression, I was surprised, a few hours after, to hear mother's suddendetermination. But I also dreamed I was about to marry a Federalofficer! That was in consequence of having answered the question, whether I would do so, with an emphatic "Yes! if I loved him, " whichwill probably ruin my reputation as a patriot in this parish. Bah! I amno bigot!--or fool either.... 

 August 23d. 

Yesterday Anna and I spent the day with Lilly, and the rain in theevening obliged us to stay all night. Dr. Perkins stopped there, andrepeated the same old stories we have been hearing, about the powderplaced under the State House and Garrison, to blow them up, if forcedto evacuate the town. He confirms the story about all the convictsbeing set free, and the town being pillaged by the negroes and the restof the Yankees. He says his own slaves told him they were allowed toenter the houses and help themselves, and what they did not want theYankees either destroyed on the spot, or had it carried to the Garrisonand burned. They also bragged of having stopped ladies on the street, cut their necklaces from their necks, and stripped the rings from theirfingers, without hesitation. It may be that they were just bragging tolook great in the eyes of their masters; I hope so, for Heaven helpthem if they fall into the hands of the Confederates, if it is true. 

I could not record all the stories of wanton destruction that reachedus. I would rather not believe that the Federal Government could be sodisgraced by its own soldiers. Dr. Day says they left nothing at all inhis house, and carried everything off from Dr. Enders's. He does notbelieve we have a single article left in ours. I hope they sparedMiriam's piano. But they say the soldiers had so many that they offeredthem for sale at five dollars apiece! We heard that the town had beencompletely evacuated, and all had gone to New Orleans except threegunboats that were preparing to shell, before leaving. 

This morning Withers's battery passed Mr. Elder's on their way to PortHudson, and stopped to get water. There were several buckets served byseveral servants; but I took possession of one, to their greatamusement. What a profusion of thanks over a can of water! It made mesmile, and they smiled to see my work, so it was all very funny. It wasastonishing to see the number of Yankee canteens in the possession ofour men. Almost all those who fought at Baton Rouge are provided withthem. In their canvas and wire cases, with neat stoppers, they areeasily distinguished from our rough, flat, tin ones. I declare I feltever so important in my new situation as waiting-maid!

There is very little we would not do for our soldiers, though. There ismother, for instance, who got on her knees to bathe the face and handsof a fever-struck soldier of the Arkansas, while the girls held theplates of those who were too weak to hold them and eat at the sametime. Blessed is the Confederate soldier who has even toothache, whenthere are women near! What sympathies and remedies are volunteered! Ialways laugh, as I did then, when I think of the supposed wounded manthose girls discovered on that memorable Arkansas day. I must firstacknowledge that it was my fault; for seized with compassion for a mansupported by two others who headed the procession, I cried, "Oh, look!he is wounded!" "Oh, poor fellow!" screamed the others, while tears andexclamations flowed abundantly, until one of the men, smilinghumorously, cried out, "Nothing the matter with him!" and on nearerview, I perceived it was laziness, or perhaps something else, and wasforced to laugh at the streaming eyes of those tender-hearted girls. 

 August 24th, Sunday. 

Soon after dinner yesterday two soldiers stopped here, and requestedpermission to remain all night. The word "soldier" was enough for us;and without even seeing them, Anna and I gladly surrendered our room, and said we would sleep in Mrs. Badger's, instead. However, I had nocuriosity to see the heroes, and remained up here reading until thebell summoned me to supper, when I took my seat without looking atthem, as no introduction was possible, from their having refrained fromgiving their names. 

Presently I heard the words, "That retreat from Norfolk was badlyconducted. " I looked up, and saw before me a rather good-looking mancovered with the greatest profusion of gold cloth and buttons, forwhich I intuitively despised him. The impulse seized me, so I spoke. "Were you there?" "No; but near by. I was there with the FirstLouisiana for 'most a year. " "Do you know George Morgan?" "Know George?Yes, indeed! You are his sister. " This was an assertion; but I bowedassent, and he went on, "Thought so, from the resemblance. I rememberseeing you ten years ago, when you were a very little girl. I used tobe at your house with the boys; we were schoolmates. " I remarked that Ihad no recollection of him. "Of course not, " he said, but did notinform me of his name. He talked very familiarly of the boys, and saidhe had met them all at Richmond. Next he astounded me by saying he wasa citizen of Baton Rouge, though he had been almost four years in NewYork before the war broke out. He was going to town to look after the"property, " hearing his father had gone to France. An inhabitant ofthat city, who was so familiar with my brothers and me, and with whom Iwas not acquainted! Here was a riddle to solve. Let us see who amongour acquaintances had gone to France. I could think of none. I made upmy mind to find out his name if I had to ask it. 

All through supper he talked, and when, in country style, the gentlemenleft us at table, I found the curiosity of the others was even moreexcited than mine. I was determined to know who he was, then. 

In the parlor, he made some remark about never having been in ladies'society the whole time he was in Virginia. I expressed my surprise, asGeorge often wrote of the pleasant young ladies he met everywhere. "Oh, yes!" said monsieur, "but it is impossible to do your duty as anofficer, and be a lady's man; so I devoted myself to my militaryprofession exclusively. " "Insufferable puppy!" I said to myself. Thenhe told me of how his father thought he was dead, and asked if I hadheard of his rallying twenty men at Manassas, and charging a Federalregiment, which instantly broke? I honestly told him, "No. " "Iagoo, thegreat boaster, " I decided. Abruptly he said there were very few niceyoung ladies in Baton Rouge. "Probably so, in _his_ circle, " I thought, while I dryly remarked, "Indeed?" "Oh, yes!" and still more abruptly hesaid, "Ain't you the youngest?--Yes! I thought so! I remember you whenyou were a wee thing, so high, " placing his hand at a most insultinglyshort distance from the floor. "Really I must ask your name, " I said. He hesitated a moment and then said in a low tone, "De J----. " "De ----What?" I absurdly asked, thinking I was mistaken. "A---- de J----" herepeated. I bowed slightly to express my satisfaction, said, "Anna, wemust retire, " and with a good-night to my newly discovered gentleman, went upstairs. 

He is the one I heard George speak of last December when he was here, as having been court-martialed, and shot, according to the universalbelief in the army; that was the only time I had ever heard his name, though I was quite familiar with the cart of De J---- _père_, as itperambulated the streets. My first impressions are seldom erroneous. From the first, I knew that man's respectability was derived from hisbuttons. That is why he took such pride in them, and contemplated themwith such satisfaction. They lent him social backbone enough toconverse so familiarly with me; without the effulgence of that splendidgold, which he hoped would dazzle my eye to his real position, he wouldhave hardly dared to "remember me when I was a wee thing, so high. " Ishe the only man whose coat alone entitles him to respectability? He maybe colonel, for all I know; but still, he is A---- de J---- to me. Hetalked brave enough to be general. 

This morning I met him with a cordial "Good-morning, Mr. De J----, "anxious to atone for several "snubs" I had given him, long before Iknew his name, last night; you see I could afford to be patronizingnow. But the name probably, and the fluency with which I pronounced it, proved too much for him, and after "Good-morning, Miss Morgan, " he didnot venture a word. We knew each other then; his name was no longer asecret. 

 August 25th. About 12 at night. 

Sleep is impossible after all that I have heard, so, after vainlyendeavoring to follow the example of the rest, and sleep like a Stoic, I have lighted my candle and take to this to induce drowsiness. 

Just after supper, when Anna and I were sitting with Mrs. Carter in herroom, I talking as usual of home, and saying I would be perfectly happyif mother would decide to remain in Baton Rouge and brave theoccasional shellings, I heard a well-known voice take up some sentenceof mine from a dark part of the room, and with a cry of surprise, I washugging Miriam until she was breathless. Such a forlorn creature!--sodirty, tired, and fatigued, as to be hardly recognizable. We thrust herinto a chair, and made her speak. She had just come with Charlie, whowent after them yesterday; and had left mother and the servants at akind friend's, on the road. I never heard such a story as she told. Iwas heartsick; but I laughed until Mrs. Badger grew furious with me andthe Yankees, and abused me for not abusing them. 

She says when she entered the house, she burst into tears at thedesolation. It was one scene of ruin. Libraries emptied, china smashed, sideboards split open with axes, three cedar chests cut open, plundered, and set up on end; all parlor ornaments carried off--eventhe alabaster Apollo and Diana that Hal valued so much. Her piano, dragged to the centre of the parlor, had been abandoned as too heavy tocarry off; her desk lay open with all letters and notes well thumbedand scattered around, while Will's last letter to her was open on thefloor, with the Yankee stamp of dirty fingers. Mother's portraithalf-cut from its frame stood on the floor. Margret, who was present atthe sacking, told how she had saved father's. It seems that those whowrought destruction in our house were all officers. One jumped on thesofa to cut the picture down (Miriam saw the prints of his muddy feet)when Margret cried, "For God's sake, gentlemen, let it be! I'll helpyou to anything here. He's dead, and the young ladies would rather seethe house burn than lose it!" "I'll blow your damned brains out, " wasthe "gentleman's" answer as he put a pistol to her head, which abrother officer dashed away, and the picture was abandoned for finersport. All the others were cut up in shreds. 

Upstairs was the finest fun. Mother's beautiful mahogany armoir, whosesingle door was an extremely fine mirror, was entered by crashingthrough the glass, when it was emptied of every article, and theshelves half-split, and half-thrust back crooked. Letters, labeled bythe boys "Private, " were strewn over the floor; they opened everyarmoir and drawer, collected every rag to be found and littered thewhole house with them, until the wonder was, where so many rags hadbeen found. Father's armoir was relieved of everything; Gibbes'shandsome Damascus sword with the silver scabbard included. All hisclothes, George's, Hal's, Jimmy's, were appropriated. They entered myroom, broke that fine mirror for sport, pulled down the rods from thebed, and with them pulverized my toilet set, taking also all Lydia'schina ornaments I had packed in the wash-stand. The débris filled mybasin, and ornamented my bed. My desk was broken open. Over it wasspread all my letters, and private papers, a diary I kept when twelveyears old, and sundry tokens of dried roses, etc. , which must have been_very_ funny, they all being labeled with the donor's name, and theoccasion. Fool! how I writhe when I think of all they saw; theinvitations to buggy rides, concerts, "Compliments of, " etc. --! Lilly'ssewing-machine had disappeared; but as mother's was too heavy to move, they merely smashed the needles. 

[Illustration: SARAH FOWLERSully's portrait of Mrs. Morgan]

In the pillaging of the armoirs, they seized a pink flounced muslin ofMiriam's, which one officer placed on the end of a bayonet, and paradedround with, followed by the others who slashed it with their swordscrying, "I have stuck the damned Secesh! that's the time I cut her!"and continued their sport until the rags could no longer be pierced. One seized my bonnet, with which he decked himself, and ran in thestreets. Indeed, all who found such, rushed frantically around town, byway of frolicking, with the things on their heads. They say no frenzycould surpass it. Another snatched one of my calico dresses, and a pairof vases that mother had when she was married, and was about to decampwhen a Mrs. Jones jerked them away, and carried them to herboarding-house, and returned them to mother the other day. Blessed beHeaven! I have a calico dress! Our clothes were used for the vilestpurposes, and spread in every corner--at least those few that were notstolen. 

Aunt Barker's Charles tried his best to defend the property. "Ain't you'shamed to destroy all dis here, that belongs to a poor widow ladywho's got two daughters to support?" he asked of an officer who wasforemost in the destruction. "Poor? Damn them! I don't know when I haveseen a house furnished like this! Look at that furniture! _They_ poor!"was the retort, and thereupon the work went bravely on, of making uspoor, indeed. 

It would have fared badly with us had we been there. The servants saythey broke into the house crying, "Where are those damned Secesh women?We know they are hid in here, and we'll make them dance for hiding fromFederal officers!" And they could not be convinced that we were notthere, until they had searched the very garret. Wonder what they wouldhave done? Charles caught a Captain Clark in the streets, when the workwas almost over, and begged him to put an end to it. The gentleman wentreadily, but though the devastation was quite evident, no one was to beseen, and he was about to leave, when, insisting that there was someone there, Charles drew him into my room, dived under the bed, and drewfrom thence a Yankee captain, by one leg, followed by a lieutenant, each with a bundle of the boys' clothes, which they instantly dropped, protesting they were only looking around the house. The gentlemancaptain carried them off to their superior. 

Ours was the most shockingly treated house in the whole town. We havethe misfortune to be equally feared by both sides, because we willblackguard neither. So the Yankees selected the only house in town thatsheltered three forlorn women, to wreak their vengeance on. From farand near, strangers and friends flocked in to see the ravagescommitted. Crowds rushed in before, crowds came in after, Miriam andmother arrived, all apologizing for the intrusion, but saying they hadheard it was a sight never before seen. So they let them examine totheir hearts' content; and Miriam says the sympathy of all wasextraordinary. A strange gentleman picked up a piece of mother'smirror, which was as thick as his finger, saying, "Madame, I shouldlike to keep this as a memento. I am about to travel throughMississippi, and having seen what a splendid piece of furniture thiswas, and the state your house is left in, should like to show this as aspecimen of Yankee vandalism. "

William Waller flew to our home to try to save it; but was too late. They say he burst into tears as he looked around. While on his kinderrand, another band of Yankees burst into his house and left not onearticle of clothing to him, except the suit he had on. The whole talkis about our dreadful treatment at the Yankees' hands. Dr. Day, and Dr. Enders, in spite of the assertions of the former, lost nothing. 

Well! I am beggared! Strange to say, I don't feel it. Perhaps it is thesatisfaction of knowing my fate that makes me so cheerful that Mrs. Carter envied my stoicism, while Mrs. Badger felt like beating mebecause I did not agree that there was no such thing as a gentleman inthe Yankee army. I know Major Drum for one, and that Captain Clark mustbe two, and Mr. Biddle is three, and General Williams--God bless him, wherever he is! for he certainly acted like a Christian. The Yankeesboasted loudly that if it had not been for him, the work would havebeen done long ago. 

And now, I am determined to see my home, before Yankee shells completethe work that Yankee axes spared. So by sunrise, I shall post over toMr. Elder's, and insist on Charlie taking me to town with him. I hardlythink it is many hours off. I feel so settled, so calm! Just as thoughI never meant to sleep again. If I only had a desk, --a luxury I havenot enjoyed since I left home, --I could write for hours still, withoutbeing sleepy; but this curved attitude is hard on my stiff back, sogood-night, while I lie down to gain strength for a sight they say willmake me faint with distress. _Nous verrons!_ If I say I Won't, I knowI'll not cry. The Brunots lost nothing at all from their house, thankHeaven for the mercy! Only they lost all their money in their flight. On the door, on their return, they found written, "Ladies, I have donemy best for you, " signed by a Yankee soldier, who they suppose to bethe one who has made it a habit of continually passing their house. 

Forgot to say Miriam recovered my guitar from the Asylum, our largetrunk and father's papers (untouched) from Dr. Enders's, and with herpiano, the two portraits, a few mattresses (all that is left ofhousekeeping affairs), and father's law books, carried them out oftown. For which I say in all humility, Blessed be God who has spared usso much. 

 Thursday, August 28th. 

I am satisfied. I have seen my home again. Tuesday I was up at sunrise, and my few preparations were soon completed, and before any one wasawake, I walked over to Mr. Elder's, through mud and dew, to meetCharlie. Fortunate was it for me that I started so early; for I foundhim hastily eating his breakfast, and ready to leave. He was very muchopposed to my going; and for some time I was afraid he would force meto remain; but at last he consented, --perhaps because I did notinsist, --and with wet feet and without a particle of breakfast, I atlength found myself in the buggy on the road home. The ride afforded mea series of surprises. Half the time I found myself halfway out of thelittle low-necked buggy when I thought I was safely in; and the otherhalf, I was surprised to find myself really in when I thought I waswholly out. And so on, for mile after mile, over muddy roads, until wecame to a most terrific cross-road, where we were obliged to pass, andwhich is best undescribed. Four miles from town we stopped at Mrs. Brown's to see mother, and after a few moments' talk, went on our road. 

I saw the first Yankee camp that Will Pinckney and Colonel Bird had setfire to the day of the battle. Such a shocking sight of charred wood, burnt clothes, tents, and all imaginable articles strewn around, I hadnever before seen. I should have been very much excited, entering thetown by the route our soldiers took; but I was not. It all seemed tameand familiar. I could hardly fancy I stood on the very spot where theseverest struggle had taken place. The next turn of the road brought usto two graves, one on each side of the road, the resting-place of twowho fell that day. They were merely left in the ditch where they fell, and earth from the side was pulled over them. When Miriam passed, partsof their coats were sticking out of the grave; but some kind hand hadscattered fresh earth over them when I saw them. Beyond, the sightbecame more common. I was told that their hands and feet were visiblefrom many. And one poor fellow lay unburied, just as he had fallen, with his horse across him, and both skeletons. That sight I was spared, as the road near which he was lying was blocked up by trees, so we wereforced to go through the woods, to enter, instead of passing by, theCatholic graveyard. In the woods, we passed another camp our mendestroyed, while the torn branches above testified to the number ofshells our men had braved to do the work. Next to Mr. Barbee's were theremains of a third camp that was burned; and a few more steps made mesuddenly hold my breath, for just before us lay a dead horse with theflesh still hanging, which was hardly endurable. Close by lay askeleton, --whether of man or horse, I did not wait to see. Not a humanbeing appeared until we reached the Penitentiary, which was occupied byour men. After that, I saw crowds of wagons moving furniture out, butnot a creature that I knew. Just back of our house was all thatremained of a nice brick cottage--namely, four crumbling walls. Theoffense was that the husband was fighting for the Confederates; so thewife was made to suffer, and is now homeless, like many thousandsbesides. It really seems as though God wanted to spare our homes. Theframe dwellings adjoining were not touched, even. The town was hardlyrecognizable; and required some skill to avoid the corners blocked upby trees, so as to get in at all. 

Our house could not be reached by the front, so we left the buggy inthe back yard, and running through the lot without stopping to examinethe storeroom and servants' rooms that opened wide, I went through thealley and entered by the front door. 

Fortunate was it for this record that I undertook to describe thesacking only from Miriam's account. If I had waited until now, it wouldnever have been mentioned; for as I looked around, to attempt such athing seemed absurd. I stood in the parlor in silent amazement; and inanswer to Charlie's "Well?" I could only laugh. It was so hard torealize. As I looked for each well-known article, I could hardlybelieve that Abraham Lincoln's officers had really come so low down asto steal in such a wholesale manner. The _papier-maché_ workbox Miriamhad given me was gone. The baby sacque I was crocheting, with allknitting needles and wools, gone also. Of all the beautiful engravingsof Annapolis that Will Pinckney had sent me, there remained a singleone. Gentlemen, my name is written on each! Not a book remained in theparlor, except "Idyls of the King, " that contained my name also, andwhich, together with the door-plate, was the only case in which thename of Morgan was spared. They must have thought we were related toJohn Morgan, and wreaked their vengeance on us for that reason. Thanksfor the honor, but there is not the slightest connection! Where theydid not carry off articles bearing our name, they cut it off, as in thevisiting-cards, and left only the first name. Every book of any valueor interest, except Hume and Gibbon, was "borrowed" permanently. Iregretted Macaulay more than all the rest. Brother's splendid Frenchhistories went, too; all except "L'Histoire de la Bastille. " However, as they spared father's law libraries (all except one volume they usedto support a flour barrel with, while they emptied it near the parlordoor), we ought to be thankful. 

The dining-room was _very_ funny. I looked around for the cut-glasscelery and preserve dishes that were to be part of my "dot, " as motheralways said, together with the champagne glasses that had figured onthe table the day that I was born; but there remained nothing. Therewas plenty of split-up furniture, though. I stood in mother's roombefore the shattered armoir, which I could hardly believe the same thatI had smoothed my hair before, as I left home three weeks previously. Father's was split across, and the lock torn off, and in the place ofthe hundreds of articles it contained, I saw two bonnets at the sightof which I actually sat down to laugh. One was mother's velvet, whichlooked very much like a football in its present condition. Mine was notto be found, as the officers forgot to return it. Wonder who has myimperial? I know they never saw a handsomer one, with its black velvet, purple silk, and ostrich feathers. 

I went to my room. Gone was my small paradise! Had this shocking placeever been habitable? The tall mirror squinted at me from a thousandbroken angles. It looked so knowing! I tried to fancy the Yankeeofficers being dragged from under my bed by the leg, thanks to Charles;but it seemed too absurd; so I let them alone. My desk! What a sight!The central part I had kept as a little curiosity shop with all mylittle trinkets and keepsakes of which a large proportion were from mygentlemen friends; I looked for all I had left, found only a piece ofthe McRae, which, as it was labeled in full, I was surprised they hadspared. Precious letters I found under heaps of broken china and rags;all my notes were gone, with many letters. I looked for a letter ofpoor ----, in cipher, with the key attached, and name signed in plainhand. I knew it would hardly be agreeable to him to have it read, andit certainly would be unpleasant to me to have it published; but Icould not find it. Miriam thinks she saw something answering thedescription, somewhere, though. 

Bah! What is the use of describing such a scene?[9] Many suffered alongwith us, though none so severely. Indeed, the Yankees cursed loudly atthose who did not leave anything worth stealing. They cannot complainof us, on that score. All our handsome Brussels carpets, together withLydia's fur, were taken, too. What did they not take? In the garret, inits darkest corner, a whole gilt-edged china set of Lydia's had beenoverlooked; so I set to work and packed it up, while Charlie packed herfurniture in a wagon, to send to her father. 

 [9] In her book, _From Flag to Flag_, Mrs. Eliza McHatton Ripley gives a vivid description of Judge Morgan's house as she herself saw it after the sacking. --W. D. 

It was now three o'clock; and with my light linen dress thrown off, Iwas standing over a barrel putting in cups and saucers as fast as Icould wrap them in the rags that covered the floor, when Mr. Larguiersent me a nice little dinner. I had been so many hours withouteating--nineteen, I think, during three of which I had slept--that Ihad lost all appetite; but nevertheless I ate it, to show myappreciation. If I should hereafter think that the quantity of rags wasexaggerated, let me here state that, after I had packed the barrel andchina with them, it made no perceptible diminution of the pile. 

As soon as I had finished my task, Charlie was ready to leave again; soI left town without seeing, or hearing, any one, or any thing, exceptwhat lay in my path. As we drove out of the gate, I begged Charlie tolet me get my bird, as I heard Charles Barker had him. A man wasdispatched, and in a few minutes returned with my Jimmy. I have sinceheard that Tiche deserted him the day of the battle, as I so muchfeared she would; and that Charles found him late in the evening andtook charge of him. With my pet once more with me, we drove off again. I cast many a longing look at the graveyard; but knowing Charlie didnot want to stop, I said nothing, though I had been there but once inthree months, and that once, six weeks ago. I could see where the fencehad been thrown down by our soldiers as they charged the Federals, butit was now replaced, though many a picket was gone. Once more I stoppedat Mrs. Brown's, while Charlie went on to Clinton, leaving me to drivemother here in the morning. Early yesterday, after seeing Miriam'spiano and the mattresses packed up and on the road, we started off inthe buggy, and after a tedious ride through a melting sun, arrived hereabout three o'clock, having again missed my dinner, which I kept aprofound secret until supper-time. 

By next Ash Wednesday, I will have learned how to fast without gettingsick! Though very tired, I sat sewing until after sunset, dictating apage and a half to Anna, who was writing to Howell. 

 August 29, CLINTON, LA. 

Noah's _duck_ has found another resting-place! Yesterday I wasinterrupted while writing, to pack up for another move, it beingimpossible to find a boarding-house in the neighborhood. We heard ofsome about here, and Charlie had engaged a house for his family, wherethe servants were already settled, so I hurried off to my task. No easyone, either, considering the heat and length of time allowed. This timeI ate dinner as I packed, again. About four, finding Miriam did notcome to Mr. Elder's as she promised, I started over to General Carter'swith her clothes, and found her just getting into the buggy to rideover, as I arrived warm, tired, hardly able to stand. After taking herover, the General sent the buggy back for Mrs. Carter and myself, andsoon we were all assembled waiting for the cars. At last, determiningto wait for them near the track, we started off again, General Carterdriving me in his buggy. I love General Carter. Again, after so manykind invitations, he told me he was sorry we would not remain with him;if we were content, he would be only too happy to have us with him; andspoke so kindly that I felt as though I had a Yankee ball in my throat. I was disposed to be melancholy anyway; I could not say many wordswithout choking. I was going from the kindest of friends to a countrywhere I had none at all; so could not feel very gay. As we reached thetrack, the cars came shrieking along. There was a pause, a scuffle, during which the General placed me and my bird in a seat, while Lilly, Charlie, Miriam, mother, five children, and two servants, with all thebaggage, were thrown aboard some way, when with a shriek and a jerk wewere off again, without a chance of saying good-bye, even. 

I enjoyed that ride. It had but one fault; and that was, that it cameto an end. I would have wished it to spin along until the war was over, or we in a settled home. But it ended at last, to Jimmy's great relief, for he was too frightened to move even, and only ventured a timid chirpif the car stopped, as if to ask, "Is it over?" Nothing occurred of anyinterest except once a little boy sent us slightly off the track, bymeddling with the brakes. 

Landed at sunset, it is hard to fancy a more forlorn crew, whilewaiting at the depot to get the baggage off before coming to the house. We burst out laughing as we looked at each lengthened face. Such aprocession through the straggling village has hardly been seen before. How we laughed at our forlorn plight as we trudged through the hillystreets, --they have no pavements here, --looking like emigrants from theOuld Counthry, as we have watched them in New Orleans!

At the house we found Tiche laid up. The loaded wagon, with itsbaggage, four mules, three grown servants, and four children, wasprecipitated from a bridge twenty-five feet high, by the breaking ofthe before-mentioned causeway, and landed with the whole concern indeep water below. Wonderful to relate, not a life was lost! Themattress on which the negroes remained seated floated them off intoshallow water. The only one hurt was Tiche, who had her leg severelysprained. The baggage was afterwards fished out, rather wet. In the mudnext morning (it happened late at night), Dophy found a tiny fancybottle that she had secreted from the Yankees; a present from ClemmyLuzenberg, it was, and one of two things left in my curiosity shop bythe Yankees. 

After seeing everything in, we started off for the hotel, where wearrived after dark, rather tired, I think. Not a comfortable house, either, unless you call a bare, unfurnished, dirty room without shutteror anything else, comfortable; particularly when you are to sleep onthe floor with four children and three grown people, and a servant. After breakfast we came here until we can find a place to settle in, which Mr. Marsden has promised to attend to for us. It is rather roughhousekeeping yet, but Lilly has not yet got settled. Our dinner wasrather primitive. There was a knife and fork to carve the meat, andthen it was finished with spoons. I sat on the floor with my plate, anda piece of cornbread (flour not to be bought at any price) and ate withmy fingers--a new experience. I found that water can be drunk out of acup!

Ouf! I am tired!

 August 30th. 

Still no prospect of a lodging; so here we remain. I never before livedin a house without a balcony, and have only now found out howinconvenient it is. The whole establishment consists of two rooms oneach side of a passage as wide as the front door; and as it has a verylow ceiling, with no opening, and no shade near, it is decidedly thewarmest spot I ever inhabited. We all sleep on the floor and keep ourclothes in our trunks--except Lilly, who has an armoir without doors. Knives and forks for dinner to-day, though the table still consists ofa single plank. The house really has a suffocating effect on me, thereis such a close look about it. The front is fully a foot below thelevel of the street, while quite a flight of steps leads from the backdoor to the yard. In fact, the whole town consists of abrupt littlemounds. It is rather a pretty place; but Heaven save me from the miseryof living in it! Miriam is crazy to remain--even advocates that dirty, bare, shutterless boarding-house where we passed the first night, fromwhat attraction I cannot imagine. I am just as anxious to get into thecountry. I would hate the dull round of this little place; I prefersolitude where I can do as I please without being observed. Here we areas well known by people we never before heard of as though we werefellow-citizens. 

 September 1st, Monday. 

I woke up this morning and, to my great surprise, find that summer hasalready passed away, and that we have already entered the first monthof fall. Where has the summer gone to? Since the taking of FortJackson, the days have gone by like a dream. I had hardly realizedspring, when now I find it is autumn. I am content to let the time fly, though, as every day brings us nearer Peace--or something else. 

How shockingly I write! Will I ever again have a desk or a table towrite on? At present, my seat is a mattress, and my knee my desk; andthat is about the only one I have had since the 2d of August. This isthe dreariest day I have seen for some time. Outside, it has beenraining since daybreak, and inside, no one feels especially bright orcheerful. I sometimes wish mother would carry out her threat and bravethe occasional shellings at Baton Rouge. I would dare anything, to beat home again. I know that the Yankees have left us little besides thebare house; but I would be grateful for the mere shelter of the roof. Ioften fancy how we will miss little articles that we thought necessaryto our comfort before, when we return.... And the shoes I paid fivedollars for, and wore a single time? I am wishing I had them now that Iam almost barefooted, and cannot find a pair in the whole country.... Would it not be curious, if one of these days while traveling in theNorth (if I ever travel again), I should find some well-loved objectfiguring in a strange house as a "trophy of the battle of Baton Rouge"?I should have to seek for them in some very low house, perhaps;respectable people had very little to do with such disgraceful work, Ifancy. Suppose I should see father's cigar-stand, for instance, orMiriam's little statues? I wonder if the people would have theconscience to offer to return them? A young lady, passing by one of thepillaged houses, expressed her surprise at seeing an armoir full ofwomen's and children's clothes being emptied, and the contents tied upin sheets. "What can you do with such things?" she asked a soldier whoseemed more zealous than the rest. "Ain't I got a wife and fourchildren in the North?" was the answer. So we, who have hardly clothesenough for our own use, are stripped to supply Northerners!

One would think that I had no theme save the wreck of our house, ifthey read this. But I take it all out in here. I believe I must be madeof wood, or some other tough material, not to feel it more. I sometimesask myself if it is because I did not care for home, that I take it soquietly now. But I know that is not it. I was wild about it before Iknew what had happened; since I learned all, few are the words thathave escaped my lips concerning it. Perhaps it is because I have thesatisfaction of knowing what all women crave for--the Worst. Indeed itis a consolation in such days as these when truth concerning eitherside is difficult to discover. The certainty of anything, fortune ormisfortune, is comfort to me. I really feel sorry for the others whosuffered; but it does not strike me that sympathy is necessary in ourcase. 

Mrs. Flynn came to Lilly's room, when she heard of it, well preparedfor sympathy, with a large handkerchief and a profusion of tears, whenshe was horrified to find both her and Miriam laughing over thelatter's description of some comical scene that met her sight in one ofthe rooms. Seems to me that tears on all occasions come in as thefortieth article, to the articles of belief of some people. 

 September 3d. 

Political news it would be absurd to record; for our information ismore than limited, being frequently represented by a blank. Of thethirteen battles that Gibbes has fought in, I know the names of fouronly: Bull Run, Stonebridge, Port Republic, and Cedar Run. Think of allI have yet to hear! To-day comes the news of another grand affair, thedefeat of McClellan, Pope, and Burnside combined. If I dared believeit! But accounts are too meagre as yet. Both Gibbes and George were init, if there _was_ a fight, and perhaps Jimmy, too. Well! I must waitin patience. We have lost so much already that God will surely sparethose three to us. Oh! if they come again, if we can meet once more, what will the troubles of the last six months signify? If I dared hopethat next summer would bring us Peace! I always prophesy it just sixmonths off; but do I believe it?

Indeed, I don't know what will become of us if it is delayed muchlonger. If we could only get home, it would be another thing; butboarding, how long will mother's two hundred and fifty last? And thatis all the money she has. As to the claims, amounting to a smallfortune, she might as well burn them. They will never be paid. But ifwe get home, what will we do for bedding? The Yankees did not leave usa single comfort, and only two old bars and a pair of ragged sheets, which articles are not to be replaced at any price in the Confederacy, so we must go without. How glad I am that we gave all our blankets toour soldiers last summer! So much saved from the Yankees!

Poor Lavinia! She fancies us comfortably settled at home; I dare sayshe spends all her time in picturing to herself what we may be doing, and recalling each piece of furniture the rooms contained. Wonder ifshe would not be shocked if the real scene were suddenly revealed toher, and she should see the desolated house and see us fugitives in astrange town. Wonder how the cry of "Where are those three damnedSecesh women?" would have struck her, had she heard the strange oathsand seen the eager search which followed? I dare say it would havefrightened her more than it did me when I was told of it. WilliamWaller says it is God's mercy that we had escaped already, for wecertainly would have suffered. I hardly think we could have beenharmed, though, and shall always regret that we did not returnimmediately after the battle. It took them from that day to theevacuation to finish the work; and I rather think that our presencewould have protected the house. 

Our servants they kindly made free, and told them they must follow them(the officers). Margret was boasting the other day of her answer, "Idon't want to be any free-er than I is now--I'll stay with mymistress, " when Tiche shrewdly remarked, "Pshaw! Don't you know that ifI had gone, you'd have followed me?" The conduct of all our servants isbeyond praise. Five thousand negroes followed their Yankee brothersfrom the town and neighborhood; but ours remained. During the fight, orflight, rather, a fleeing officer stopped to throw a musket in CharlesBarker's hands, and bade him fight for his liberty. Charles drewhimself up, saying, "I am only a slave, but I am a Secesh nigger, andwon't fight in such a d---- crew!" Exit Yankee, continuing his flightdown to the riverside. 

 September 4th. 

I hear to-day that the Brunots have returned to Baton Rouge, determinedto await the grand finale there. They, and two other families, aloneremain. With these exceptions, and a few Dutch and Irish who cannotleave, the town is perfectly deserted by all except the Confederatesoldiers. I wish I was with them! If all chance of finding lodgingshere is lost, and mother remains with Lilly, as she sometimes seemsmore than half inclined, and Miriam goes to Linwood, as she frequentlythreatens, I believe I will take a notion, too, and go to Mrs. Brunot!I would rather be there, in all the uncertainty, expecting to beshelled or burnt out every hour, than here. Ouf! what a country! Nexttime I go shopping, I mean to ask some clerk, out of curiosity, whatthey _do_ sell in Clinton. The following is a list of a few of thearticles that shopkeepers actually laugh at you if you ask for:Glasses, flour, soap, starch, coffee, candles, matches, shoes, combs, guitar-strings, bird-seed, --in short, everything that I have heretoforeconsidered as necessary to existence. If any one had told me I couldhave lived off of cornbread, a few months ago, I would have beenincredulous; now I believe it, and return an inward grace for theblessing at every mouthful. I have not tasted a piece of wheatbreadsince I left home, and shall hardly taste it again until the war isover. 

I do not like this small burg. It is very straggling and pretty, but Iwould rather not inhabit it. We are as well known here as though wecarried our cards on our faces, and it is peculiarly disagreeable to meto overhear myself spoken about, by people I don't know, as "There goesMiss Morgan, " as that young man, for instance, remarked this morning toa crowd, just as I passed. It is not polite, to say the least. 

Will Carter was here this morning and told me he saw Theodore Pinckneyin the streets. I suppose he is on his way home, and think he will be alittle disappointed in not finding us at Linwood as he expects, andstill more so to hear he passed through the very town where we werestaying, without knowing it. 

 BEECH GROVE, September 6th, Saturday. 

Another perch for Noah's duck! Where will I be in a week or two fromthis? I shall make a mark, twenty pages from here, and see where Ishall be when I reach it. Here, most probably; but oh, if I could thenbe at home! General Carter, who spent the evening with us day beforeyesterday, remarked that the first thing he heard as he reached townwas that all the gentlemen and ladies of Clinton were hunting forcountry lodgings for us. It was pretty much the case. The General wasas kind as ever, bless his gray head! and made us promise to go back toLinwood with him when he passes back next week. This is the way we keepthe promise--coming out here. 

Early yesterday morning we received a note from Eliza Haynes, one ofour indefatigable agents, saying her grandmother, Mrs. McCay, hadconsented to receive us, and would come for us in the evening. Immediately my packing task was begun. But imagine my disappointment, just as I had finished one trunk, to hear mother announce herdetermination to let us go alone, while she remained with Lilly!Prayers, entreaties, tears, arguments, all failed; and we were forcedto submit. So with a heart fuller than I can express, I repacked thetrunk with Miriam's and my clothing, and got ready to depart. In theevening the carriage drove up to the door with Eliza and hergrandmother, and with a hasty and rather choky good-bye to Lilly andmother, we were hurried in, and in another moment were off. 

I fancied the house would be north of Clinton, so of course the horsestook the road south. Then I decided on a white cottage to the left ofthe road, and about two miles out, found that it was to the right, notpainted, and no cottage at all, but a nondescript building, besides. "'Twas ever thus from childhood's hour!" When did I ever fancy anythingexactly as it was? But the appearance does not affect the house, whichis really very comfortable, though apparently unfinished. The sameobjection might be made to it that I made to Mrs. Moore's, for there isnot a shutter on the place. But fine shade trees take their place, andhere I do not feel the want of them so much, as our room is in the backof the house, to the west, where the rising sun cannot salute my noseas it did at Mrs. Moore's. As to what effect the setting sun has, Imust wait for the evening to decide, though I always enjoy that. AtGreenwell, we used to walk a mile away from home to see the sun set inan open field. 

I find Mrs. McCay an excellent, plain old lady, with neither airs norpretentions, and very kind-hearted. Here she lives alone, with theexception of an orphan girl called Jane, whose position, half-menial, half-equal, it would be hard to define. Poor girl! the name of orphanalone was enough to make me sorry for her. She must be "Friday'schild"! she is so "ready and willing. " Eliza, who it seems stays agreat deal with her grandmother, is one of the brightest little girls Ihave seen for a long while. She sings and plays on the piano with astyle and assurance that I can only mutely covet. Why cannot I have theconfidence I see all others possess? She took me to the gin-house lastevening, though I could not see much, as it was almost sunset when wearrived. An early tea, and singing, and music after, completed ourevening, and then we were shown to our room. 

Mrs. McCay has only room for us two, so it is fortunate that motherwould not come. She says she wants us to spend a few days with her, tosee if we like it, or if we will be willing to be separated frommother. In the mean time, we can look around for lodgings in a largerand more comfortable place where we can be together. She tells suchstories about the house Lilly lives in, of its age, and unhealthiness, that I am frightened about mother. She says she will die if she staysthere this month. Miriam and Eliza have gone to town to see them, andare then going to Mrs. George's to see if she can accommodate us. 

I wanted to have a splendid dream last night, but failed. It waspleasant, though, to dream of welcoming George and Gibbes back. Jimmy Icould not see; and George was in deep mourning. I dreamed of faintingwhen I saw him (a novel sensation, since I never experienced it awake), but I speedily came to, and insisted on his "pulling Henry Walsh's redhair for his insolence, " which he promised to do instantly. How absurd!Dreams! dreams! That pathetic "Miss Sarah, do you ever dream?" comesvividly back to me sometimes. Dream? Don't I! Not the dreams that hemeant; but royal, purple dreams, that De Quincey could not purchasewith his opium; dreams that I would not forego for all the inducementsthat could be offered. I go to sleep, and pay a visit to heaven orfairyland. I have white wings, and with another, float in rosy clouds, and look down on the moving world; or I have the power to raise myselfin the air without wings, and silently float wherever I will, lovingall things and feeling that God loves me. I have heard Paul preach tothe people, while I stood on a fearful rock above. I have been tostrange lands and great cities; I have talked with people I have neverbeheld. Charlotte Brontë has spent a week with me--in my dreams--andtogether we have talked of her sad life. Shakespeare and I havediscussed his works, seated tête-à-tête over a small table. He pointedout the character of each of his heroines, explaining what I could notunderstand when awake; and closed the lecture with "You have thetenderest heart I have ever read, or sung of"--which compliment, considering it as original with him, rather than myself, waked me upwith surprise. 

 CLINTON, September 9th, Tuesday. 

Back again! For how long, I know not. At sunset Saturday, Eliza andMiriam returned to Mrs. McCay's with Nannie Davidson. Mother had provedobdurate and refused to leave Clinton; so they had all gone on, andspent the day with Mrs. Haynes instead of going to Mrs. George's. Aftermy quiet, solitary day, I was glad to see them again, particularly asthey brought confirmation of the great victory in Virginia. It is saidthe enemy were cut off from Washington, and that we were pursuing them. O my brothers! If God will only spare them! I envy Lydia who is so nearthem, and knows all, and can take care of them if they are hurt. Itwill be several days at least, before we can hear from them, if we hearat all; for Jimmy has never yet written a line, and George has writtenbut once since the taking of the forts, and that was before the battleof Chickahominy. We can only wait patiently. Perhaps General Carterwill bring us news. 

Mrs. Haynes sent a very pressing invitation for us to spend the nextday with her, so, although it was Sunday, we went. I am becomingdreadfully irreligious. I have not been to church since Mr. Gierlowwent to Europe last July. It is perfectly shocking; but the Yankeeshave kept me running until all pious dispositions have been shaken outof me; so they are to blame. Like heathens, we called on Miss Comstockas we passed through town, and spent an hour with her. Landed at Mr. Haynes's, we had ample time to look around before he and his wife gotback from church. Here again I found what seems to be the prevailingstyle of the country, widespread doors and windows, with neither blindsnor shade trees to keep off the glare of the sun. The dining-room was awide hall, where the rising sun shone in your face at breakfast, and atdinner, being directly overhead, seemed to shine in at both ends atonce. A splendid arrangement for a Fire Worshiper; but I happened to beborn in America, instead of Persia, so fail to appreciate it. 

 September 10th. 

Yesterday I was interrupted to undertake a very important task. Theevening before, mother and Lilly happened to be in a store where twoofficers were buying materials for making shirts, and volunteered tomake them for them, which offer they gladly accepted, though neitherparty knew the other. They saw that they were friends of Charlie, sohad no scruples about offering their services; the gentlemen saw thatthey were ladies, and very kind ones, besides, so made no difficultyabout accepting. Lilly undertook one of purple merino, and I took adark blue one. Miriam nominally helped her; but her very sore fingerdid not allow her to do much. Mother slightly assisted me; but I thinkLilly and I had the best of the task. All day we worked, and whenevening came, continued sewing by the light of these miserablehome-made candles. Even then we could not finish, but had to get upearly this morning, as the gentlemen were to leave for Port Hudson atnine o'clock. We finished in good time, and their appearancerecompensed us for our trouble. Lilly's was trimmed with folds of bluefrom mine, around collar, cuffs, pockets, and down the front band;while mine was pronounced a _chef d'oeuvre_, trimmed with bias folds oftiny red and black plaid. With their fresh colors and shining pearlbuttons, they were really very pretty. We sent word that we would behappy to make as many as they chose for themselves or their friends, and the eldest, with many fears that it was an "imposition" and we were"too good, " and much more of the same kind, left another one withCharlie for us. We cannot do too much, or even enough, for oursoldiers. I believe that is the universal sentiment of the women of theSouth. 

Well, but how did we get back here? I hardly know. It seems to me weare being swayed by some kind of destiny which impels us here or there, with neither rhyme nor reason, and whether we will or no. Suchhomeless, aimless, purposeless, wandering individuals are rarely seen. From one hour to another, we do not know what is to become of us. Wetalk vaguely of going home "when the Yankees go away. " When will thatbe? One day there is not a boat in sight; the next, two or three standoff from shore to see what is being done, ready, at the first sight ofwarlike preparation, to burn the town down. It is particularly unsafesince the news from Virginia, when the gunboats started from BayouGoula, shelling the coast at random, and destroying everything that waswithin reach, report says. Of course, we cannot return to our homeswhen commissioned officers are playing the part of pirates, burning, plundering, and destroying at will, with neither law nor reason. Donaldsonville they burned before I left Baton Rouge, because some foolfired a shotgun at a gunboat some miles above; Bayou Sara they burnedwhile we were at General Carter's, for some equally reasonable excuse. The fate of Baton Rouge hangs on a still more slender thread. I wouldgive worlds if it were all over. 

At Mrs. Haynes's we remained all night, as she sent the carriage backwithout consulting us. Monday we came to town and spent the day withLilly. How it was, I can't say; but we came to the conclusion that itwas best to quit our then residence, and either go back to Linwood orto a Mrs. Somebody who offered to take us as boarders. We went back toMrs. McCay's, to tell her of our determination, and in the morning tookleave of her and came back home. 

We hear so much news, piece by piece, that one would imagine somedefinite result would follow, and bring us Peace before long. TheVirginia news, after being so great and cheering, has suddenly ceasedto come. No one knows the final result. The last report was that weheld Arlington Heights. Why not Washington, consequently? Cincinnati(at last accounts) lay at our mercy. From Covington, Kirby Smith hadsent over a demand for its surrender in two hours. Would it not beglorious to avenge New Orleans by such a blow? But since last night thetelegraph is silent. 

News has just come of some nice little affair between our militia inOpelousas and the Yankees from New Orleans, in which we gave them agood thrashing, besides capturing arms, prisoners, and ammunition. "Itnever rains but it pours" is George's favorite proverb. With it comesthe "rumor" that the Yankees are preparing to evacuate the city. If itcould be! Oh, if God would only send them back to their own country, and leave ours in peace! I wish them no greater punishment than thatthey may be returned to their own homes, with the disgrace of theiroutrages here ever before their eyes. That would kill an honest man, Iam sure. 

 Sunday, September 14th, 1862. 

I have been so busy making Lieutenant Bourge's shirt that I have nothad time to write, besides having very little to write about. So myindustry saved my paper and spared these pages a vast amount of trash. I would not let any one touch Lieutenant Bourge's shirt except myself;and last evening, when I held it up completed, the loud praises itreceived satisfied me it would answer. Miriam and Miss Ripley declaredit the prettiest ever made. It is dark purple merino. The bosom Itucked with pleats a quarter of an inch deep, all the way up to thecollar, and stitched a narrow crimson silk braid up the centre to holdit in its place. Around the collar, cuffs, pockets, and band down thefront, the red cord runs, forming a charming contrast to the darkfoundation. Indeed, I devoted the sole article the Yankees let fallfrom my two workboxes--a bunch of soutache--to the work. Large whitepearl buttons completed the description, and my shirt is really asquiet, subdued, and pretty a one as I ever saw. I should first hear theopinion of the owner, though. If he does not agree with all the others, I shall say he has no taste. 

I got a long sweet letter from Sophie on Friday that made me happy forthe whole day. They were about leaving for Alexandria. I was glad tohear they would be out of danger, but still I was sorry they were goingso far away. I have been laying a hundred wild schemes to reach BatonRouge and spend a day or two with them, which is impossible now. Sophiewrites just as she talks--and that means remarkably well, so I can atleast have the pleasure of corresponding. At Dr. Carnal's they will beout of the reach of all harm and danger; so I ought to rejoice. Thereis one thing in which Sophie and I agree, and that is in makingStonewall Jackson our hero. Talk of Beauregard! he never had myadoration; but Stonewall is the greatest man of the age, decidedly. 

Still no authentic reports of the late battles in Virginia. I say late, referring to those fought two weeks ago. From the Federal accounts, glowing as they usually are, I should gather the idea that their routwas complete. I cannot imagine why we can hear nothing more from ourown side.... 

I think my first act on my return home will be to take a cup of coffeeand a piece of bread, two luxuries of which I have been deprived for along while. Miriam vows to devour an unheard-of number of biscuits, too. How many articles we considered as absolutely necessary, before, have we now been obliged to dispense with! Nine months of the year Ireveled in ice, thought it impossible to drink water without it. Sincelast November, I have tasted it but once, and that once by accident. And oh, yes! I caught some hail-stones one day at Linwood! Ice-cream, lemonade, and sponge cake was my chief diet; it was a year last Julysince I tasted the two first, and one since I have seen the last. BreadI believed necessary to life; vegetables, senseless. The former I neversee, and I have been forced into cultivating at least a toleration ofthe latter. Snap beans I can actually swallow, sweet potatoes I reallylike, and one day at Dr. Nolan's I "bolted" a mouthful of tomatoes, andafterwards kept my seat with the heroism of a martyr. These are theminor trials of war. If that were all--if coarse, distasteful food werethe only inconvenience!

When I think of what Lavinia must suffer so far from us, and in suchignorance of our condition, our trials seem nothing in comparison tohers. And think how uneasy Brother must be, hearing of the battle, andnot knowing where we fled to! For he has not heard of us for almost twomonths. In return we are uneasy about him and Sister. If New Orleans isattacked, what will become of them with all those children?

 Tuesday, September 16th. 

Yesterday Miriam determined to go to Linwood, and consequently I had asevere task of trunk-packing, one of my greatest delights, however. Ihate to see any one pack loosely or in a slovenly manner. Perhaps thatis the reason I never let any one do it if I am able to stand. Thismorning was appointed as our day for leaving, but I persuaded her towait until to-morrow, in hope that either the General, or news fromVirginia, would arrive this evening. Bless this village! It is themeanest place for news that I ever was in. Not a word can be gathered, except what is false or unfounded; and they are even tired of that, inthe last few days. 

Talk of Baton Rouge turning Yankee, as the report went here! Of thethree or four there who took the oath, not one can be compared to someloyal citizens of this small burg. Why, I talked to two gentlemenyesterday who, if it were not for the disgrace and danger incurred bybearing the name, I should style Union men, and talked or ratherlistened to them, until my spirits were reduced to the lowest ebb. People were shocked at our daring to believe there lived gentlemen andChristians in the North--I mean those wild fanatics, who could onlytake in one idea at a time, and rarely divested their brains of thatone to make room for a newer one, were shocked at our belief; but ifthey could converse with a few here, that I could point out, our gnatof common sense would be swallowed by this behemoth of heterodoxy. 

This morning Mrs. Bar, Miss Bernard, and a Miss Mud came to town andsurprised us by a most unexpected visit. They spent the day with us, and have just now driven off on their return home, through thisdrizzly, misting evening. A while ago a large cavalry company passed, at the corner, on their way from Port Hudson to Camp Moore, the reportis. They raised their hats to us, seeing us at the gate, and we wavedour handkerchiefs in return, each with a silent "God bless you, " I amsure. 

As though to prove my charge unjust, news comes pouring in. Note we afew items, to see how many will prove false. First, we have takenBaltimore without firing a gun; Maryland has risen _en masse_ to joinour troops; Longstreet and Lee are marching on Washington from therear; the Louisiana troops are ordered home to defend their ownState--thank God! if it will only bring the boys back! Then comestidings of nine gunboats at Baton Rouge; Ponchatoula on the railroadtaken by Yankees; Camp Moore and three batteries, ditto. Not socheering! If that is so, Clinton lies within reach, being thirty-fivemiles off. 

Leaving much the most valuable portion of our clothing here, theYankees will probably appropriate what little they spared us and leaveus fairly destitute; for we take only summer clothes to Linwood. I haveplenty of underclothes, but the other day, when I unpacked the largetrunk from Dr. Enders's, I found I had just two dresses for winter; ahandsome blue silk I bought just two years ago last spring, and oneheavy blue merino that does not fit me. What an outfit for winter!Miriam has two poplins and a black silk, and mother a wine-coloredmerino, only. But each of us is blessed with a warm cloak, and arecorrespondingly grateful. I was confident I had saved my green, darkblue, and brown silk dresses, but the Yankees saved them instead, forme, or their suffering sweethearts, rather. On the other hand, takingso many necessary articles to Linwood, the risk of losing them is thesame. An attack on Port Hudson is apprehended, and if it falls, GeneralCarter's house will be decidedly unsafe from Yankee vengeance. Theprobability is that it will burn, as they have been daily expectingever since the Yankees occupied Baton Rouge. The risk seems equal, either way. Go or stay, the danger seems the same. Shall we go, then, for variety, or die here of stagnation while waiting for the Yankees tomake up their minds? I would rather be at neither place, just now; infact I could hardly name the place I should like to be in now, unlessit were Europe or the Sandwich Islands; but I love Linwood and its dearinhabitants, and under other circumstances should be only too happy tobe there. I was regretting the other day that our life was now somonotonous; almost longed for the daily alarms we had when under Yankeerule in Baton Rouge. Stirring times are probably ahead. 

 LINWOOD, September 17th, Wednesday. 

Still floating about! This morning after breakfast, General Carter madehis appearance, and in answer to his question as to whether we wereready to leave with him, Miriam replied, "Yes, indeed!" heartily, gladto get away from Clinton, where I have detained her ever since the dayTheodore returned home, to her great disgust. As our trunk was alreadypacked, it did not take many minutes to get ready; and in a littlewhile, with a protracted good-bye, we were on our way to the depot, which we reached some time before the cars started. Though glad toleave Clinton, I was sorry to part with mother. For ten days she hasbeen unable to walk, with a sore on her leg below the knee; and I wantto believe she will miss me while I am away. I could not leave my birdin that close, ill-ventilated house. He has never sung since Irecovered him; and I attribute his ill health or low spirits to thatunhealthy place, and thought Linwood might be beneficial to him, too;so brought him with me, to see what effect a breath of pure air mighthave. 

We were the only ladies on the cars, except Mrs. Brown, who got offhalfway; but in spite of that, had a very pleasant ride, as we had veryagreeable company. The train only stopped thirteen times in the twentymiles. Five times to clear the brushwood from the telegraph lines, oncerunning back a mile to pick up a passenger, and so on, to the greatindignation of many of the passengers aboard, who would occasionallycry out, "Hello! if this is the 'clearing-up' train, we had better sendfor a hand-car!" "What the devil's the matter now?" until the Generalgravely assured them that it was an old habit of this veryaccommodating train, which in summer-time stopped whenever thepassengers wished to pick blackberries on the road. 

Many soldiers were aboard on their way to Port Hudson, to rejoin theircompanies. One gallant one offered me a drink of water from hiscanteen, which I accepted out of mere curiosity to see what water fromsuch a source tasted of. To my great surprise, I found it tasted justlike any other. The General introduced a Mr. Crawford to us, who tookthe seat next to me, as the one next to Miriam was already occupied, and proved a very pleasant and talkative _compagnon de voyage_. GeneralCarter's query as to my industry since he had seen me, brought myacknowledgment of having made two shirts, one of which I sentyesterday. Who to? was the next question. I gave the name, adding thatI did not know the gentleman, and he was under the impression that itwas made by mother. "I'll see that he is undeceived!" cried theGeneral. "Hanged if I don't tell him!" "Thirtieth Louisiana, you say?"queried Mr. Crawford. "That is the very one I am going to! I will tellhim myself!" So my two zealous champions went on, the General endingwith "See to it, Crawford; Mrs. Morgan shall not have the credit!" asthough there was any great merit in sewing for one's countrymen! Ournew acquaintance handed me from the cars as we reached Linwood, andstood talking while the accommodating train slowly rolled out itsfreight. He told me he was going to send me a tiny sack of coffee, which proposition, as it did not meet with the slightest encouragement, will of course never be thought of again. 

I noticed, too, on the train, one of the Arkansas's crew. The same who, though scarcely able to stand on a severely wounded foot, made such afuss about riding in a carriage while "real ladies" had to walk. Ofcourse he did not recognize us, any more than we would have known himif Dr. Brown had not pointed him out. I hear all of them are at PortHudson. Anna told me, as we got here, that Dr. Addison (the one Idisliked because he was so scrupulously neat while the others weredressed, or rather undressed, for working) was here yesterday, andinquired for the Miss Morgans, saying they were the most charming youngladies he had ever met. On what he founded his opinion, or how hehappened to inquire for us in this part of the country, I cannotimagine. 

The General brings news of the boys from Jackson. He there met anofficer who left Stonewall Jackson's command on the 2d inst. , and saysGibbes was unhurt, God be praised! Another saw George a week ago inRichmond, still lame, as the cap of his knee had slipped in that falllast spring. Of Jimmy we hear not a word, not even as to where he is. It seems as though we are destined never to hear again. 

 September 20th, Saturday. 

General Carter has just received a letter from Lydia, which containswhat to me is the most melancholy intelligence--the news of the deathof Eugene Fowler, [10] who was killed on the 22d of August, in somebattle or skirmish in Virginia. Poor Eugene!... Does it not seem thatthis war will sweep off all who are nearest and dearest, as well asmost worthy of life, leaving only those you least care for, unharmed?

 [10] A cousin. 

 September 21st. 

After supper last night, by way of variety, Anna, Miriam, and I came upto our room, and after undressing, commenced popping corn and makingcandy in the fireplace. We had scarcely commenced when three officerswere announced, who found their way to the house to get some supper, they having very little chance of reaching Clinton before morning, asthe cars had run off the track. Of course, we could not appear; andthey brought bad luck with them, for our corn would not pop, and ourcandy burned, while to add to our distress the odor of broiled chickenand hot biscuit was wafted upstairs, after a while, in the mostprovoking way. In vain we sent the most pathetic appeals by eachservant, for a biscuit apiece, after our hard work. Mrs. Carter wasobdurate until, tired out with our messages, she at last sent us anempty jelly-cup, a shred of chip beef, two polished drumsticks, andhalf a biscuit divided in three. With that bountiful repast we wereforced to be content and go to bed. 

At sunrise this morning, Mrs. Carter left to go down to her father inIberville, to see her stepmother who is expected to die. Scarcely hadshe gone when six more officers and soldiers came in from the stillstationary cars to get their breakfast. We heard that Mr. Marsden, too, was down there, so the General sent him a nice breakfast, and I sent mylove with it; but he had already breakfasted at Mr. Elder's. As soon asthey left, we prepared for church, and just as we were ready, CaptainBrown and Mr. Addison were announced. The Doctor greeted us with anelegant bow, but they did not remain long, as we were about going out. 

 * * * * *

Many officers were in church, and as I passed out, Colonel Breauxjoined me, and escorted Miriam and me to the carriage, where we stoodtalking some time under the trees before getting in. He gave us a mostpressing invitation to name a day to visit the camp that he might "havethe pleasure of showing us the fortifications, " and we said we wouldbeg the General's permission to do so. Charming Colonel Breaux! Likeall nice men, he is married, of course. He and another officer drovejust behind our carriage in coming home, until we came to the fork ofthe road. Then, leaning from their buggy, both gentlemen bowedprofoundly, which we as cordially returned. Two more behind followedtheir example, and to our great surprise, ten, who were seated in asmall wagon drawn by two diminutive mules, bowed also, and, not contentwith that, rose to their feet as the distance between the two roadsincreased, and raised their caps, though in the most respectfulsilence. Rather queer; and I would have said impertinent had they beenany others than Confederates fighting for us, who, of course, areprivileged people. 

 September 24th. 

Yesterday the General saluted us with "Young ladies, if you will ridein a Confederate carriage, you may go to dress parade this evening. "Now, in present phraseology, "Confederate" means anything that isrough, unfinished, unfashionable, or poor. You hear of Confederatedresses, which means last year's. Confederate bridle means a ropehalter. Confederate silver, a tin cup or spoon. Confederate flour iscorn meal, etc. In this case the Confederate carriage is a Jersey wagonwith four seats, a top of hickory slats covered with leather, and thewhole drawn by mules. We accepted gladly, partly for the ride andsight, partly to show we were not ashamed of a very comfortableconveyance; so with Mrs. Badger as chaperon, we went off in grandstyle. I must say I felt rather abashed and wished myself at home as wedrove into town, and had the gaze of a whole regiment riveted on us. But soon the men fell in line, and I did not feel so painfullyconspicuous. I was amused at a contrast near by, too. There was but onecarriage present, besides ours, though there were half a dozen ladieson horseback. This carriage was a very fine one, and in it sat three ofthe ugliest, dowdiest, worst dressed females I ever saw. We three girlssat in our rough carriage as comfortable as could be, dressed--well, wecould not have been dressed better--and looking our very best. _Sansmentir_, I think the Confederates were much the most respectable. 

And what a sad sight the Fourth Louisiana was, that was then parading!Men that had fought at Shiloh and Baton Rouge were barefooted. Rags wastheir only uniform, for very few possessed a complete suit, and thosefew wore all varieties of colors and cuts. Hats could be seen of everystyle and shape, from the first ever invented down to the last onepurchased evidently some time since. Yet he who had no shoes looked ashappy as he who had, and he who had a cap had something to toss up, that's all. 

Four or five that we knew gathered around our vehicle and talked to us. Mr. Heuston told me he heard I had been thrown, severely injured, had anarrow escape, etc. Was not thrown! Saddle turned. A few steps off werecognized Mr. Scales. He would stare very hard at us, and if we turnedtowards him, would look quickly the other way as though afraid to meetour gaze. Presently he gave us an opportunity, and we bowed. He cameforward eagerly, blushing deeply, and looking very much pleased, andshook hands with us, and remained some time talking. He said he had notheard of our arrival, but would call as soon as possible. Mr. Talbothad joined Breckinridge. 

Having seen the last of that parade, he invited us to see that of hissailors, which was next; but it was too far; so we turned off to seeColonel Breaux's, a mile away. His, the Thirtieth Louisiana, is abeautiful encampment on a large open common. Parade was almost over aswe reached there, and soon the Colonel came to meet us. I did not lookat the drill. I was watching the hundreds of tents--it looked like agreat many--and was wondering how men could live in such places, andwas trying to fancy what George's or Gibbes's looked like. It waspleasant to watch the barefoot soldiers race around like boys let loosefrom school, tossing caps and chips at two old gray geese that flew incircles around the encampment, just as though they had never had moreearnest work. One gray-headed man stood in the door of his tent, whilea black-headed young one danced before him, to his own whistle, withhis arms akimbo. Altogether it was a very pretty picture; but poor men!how can they be happy in these tents?

 September 26th, Friday. 

 _Sarah Morgan. _ X. 

My mark finds me at Linwood, though I had not the slightest idea thatit would. Wonder where twenty pages beyond will find me? At home, Ihope and pray, though I am as happy here as I could possibly be in anyplace on earth. 

Stirring news from our armies comes pouring in. Sunday, Colonel Breauxtold me of Wool's defeat, and the great number of prisoners, cannon, and the large supplies of stores and ammunition that we had captured. Then Tuesday we heard of three great battles in Maryland, the third onestill continuing; but no particulars of any of them. Yesterday cametidings of our having recrossed the Potomac, and to-day we hear thatMcClellan's army has been cut to pieces; but whether it is the same oldfight or a new one, I cannot as yet learn; for reliable information isnot easily obtained in America at this period. 

Did I ever record how little truth there was in any of that lastClinton news? It speaks for itself, though. Not a boat lay at BatonRouge; Camp Moore was not even threatened; Ponchatoula Station wasburned, but the one battery was retaken by our men the same night. 

[Illustration: LINWOOD]

But still these false reports cannot equal the Yankees'. Take, forinstance, the report of the Captain of the Essex. I give General Carteras my authority. The Captain reports having been fired on by a batteryof thirty-six large guns, at Port Hudson, some weeks ago, when heopened fire and silenced them, one after the other, from the first tothe last. Not a shot from the "rebel" batteries reached them, and not acasualty on their side occurred. But the loss of the Confederates musthave been awful. He came within--I forget how many--yards from theshore, and there was not a live man to be seen. He did not mention ifthere were any dead ones! Now for the other side. There were but fourguns mounted there at the time. Shot and shell from those fourcertainly reached something, for one was seen to enter a porthole, fromwhence issued frightful shrieks soon after, and it is well known thatthe Essex is so badly injured by "something" as to be in a sinkingcondition, and only kept afloat by a gunboat lashed on either side. Ifshe is uninjured, why did she not return and burn Natchez as sheannounced? In leaving Port Hudson, where "not a live man was to beseen" (nor a dead one to be found), she stopped at Mr. Babin's, justbelow Dr. Nolan's, where she remained the rest of the day. After sheleft, being curious to discover the reason of her short stay, Mr. Babinwalked to the place where she had been, and discovered sixteen freshgraves on the bank. If they buried them as they did at Baton Rouge andVicksburg, four in a grave, how many would they be? But granting therewere but sixteen, would that prove the veracity of the Captain? Poorman! Perhaps he is related to Pope, and cannot help himself. 

 September 27th. 

I often wonder how lies first came into the world, and whether thosewho originate them do not believe them as firmly as any one else wouldbelieve truth. Lying seems to be the common creed of children andservants. 

Anna told me of having heard Lennice telling the other servants thatshe knew there were spirits, because I often talked to them. Everymorning and evening I walked to the graveyard with a basket of flowers, and would sit by father's and Harry's graves and call their spirits tome; and they would all fly to me, and talk and sing with me for hoursuntil I would tell them good-bye and go home, when they would go awaytoo. I suppose the ignorant girl, having foundation enough from myfrequent visits there, which were most often alone, made up the rest toaccount for my never seeming to like company out there. The fervent"Good Lord" with which the tale was received by the other servants, andthe full credence they gave it, might have proved unpleasant if furthercirculated; and I believe some members of the family found it necessaryto put an end to it at once. 

And speaking of the graveyard recalls something I heard for the firsttime last night. Miriam was telling me that Tiche had asked if we knewthat Mr. Sparks had visited Harry's grave? That he had got a basket offlowers from the Davidsons, and had made their driver carry it for him. And the man had told her that, after filling the vases with roses, andspreading them over the grave, he had thrown himself on it with ashriek of despair, calling on Harry to forgive him; that it was onlybecause forced by his father that he had killed him; and calling on Godto prove that he would give his life gladly to recall Harry's. The manthought him a raving maniac and fled in terror. Miriam asked Fanny ifit was true, and she said yes; she had gathered the flowers for himherself. 

I saw them there, but little knew whose hand had brought them. Iperceived at once that they were not mine, and touched even to tears byso silent an offering from an unknown person, I said, "It is somewoman's work; God bless the hand that laid them there. " I cannot sayhow much that little tribute affected me. And, Mr. Sparks, I do notretract the blessing now. No! "God have mercy on him!" has been myprayer ever since I knew what an awful loss you had caused us. Godknows that I never even desired this revenge--remorse standing over hisgrave. It has ever been, "God pity and forgive!"--never yet for aninstant, "God pursue and avenge!"

 September 28th. 

We were roused up at four o'clock last night by the arrival of Lydiaand Eugene Carter, [11] the first from Virginia and the second fromTennessee; and, of course, there was very little sleep for any of us, so anxious were we to hear the news they brought. First I learned thatGibbes was safe up to the 17th; that George, in spite of the advice ofhis surgeon, had rejoined Stonewall Jackson in Maryland; and Jimmy wasmidshipman on the ironclad Palmetto State at Charleston. How thankful Iwas to hear that much, I need not say. Lydia said they all three lookedremarkably well; Jimmy handsomer than ever. After that, news of allkinds came indiscriminately. The boys were very anxious about us, buthad no idea of our misfortunes or whereabouts. They believed us stillin Baton Rouge, and feared we had been there during the battle. Lydiaonly heard of our house having been plundered when she reached Alabama, so of course they are still ignorant of it. They were all veryhomesick, but said that we were their only trouble. 

 [11] Lydia, daughter of General Carter and wife of Captain Thomas Gibbes Morgan; Eugene, eldest son of General Carter, and husband of Helen mentioned in the Diary. 

A few of the C----s' stories had reached them through brother officers;and George swore to make himself understood by those ladies if he eversaw them again. A gentleman from Cooper's Wells told Lydia that theynever tired of repeating their stories to every new arrival; and no manwas suffered to depart without having heard a few. If a gentlemanfriend of ours or the boys inquired if they knew the Miss Morgans ofBaton Rouge, "Oh, yes!" would be the answer, "intimately! But you knowthey have turned Yankee. Received Federal officers every day, andplaced all their property under Yankee protection. I" (or "my sister, "as it happened who was retailing the lie, meaning Mrs. S----) "slept intheir house when it was surrounded by a Yankee guard. Oh, they areperfectly in favor of the Yankees, " and so on. Think of a common, lowsoldier who stopped for buttermilk somewhere where Anna was, introducing the subject. "It is all false!" Anna interrupted. The mananswered, "Oh, Miss! you don't suppose we believe it? We would notbelieve such stories of any young ladies, much less these; for if theyare true, their conduct must have been perfectly disgraceful. Butthough we know these stories to be lies, it does not prevent theirbeing discussed in camp. "... 

Lydia saw Mr. McG----, too, at Lynchburg, who sent me his "regards. "Poor fellow! He says he still has "dreams"! He told her a few, but shesays they were chiefly about meeting me at a ball, when I alwaystreated him with the most freezing coldness. The same old nightmare. How often he has told me of that same dream, that tormented himeighteen months ago. He says he often thinks of me now--and he still"dreams" of me! "Dreams are baseless fabrics whose timbers are meremoonbeams. " Apply your own proverb!... 

A clatter of hoofs down the road! And bent over the window-sill whichis my desk, my fingers are not presentable with the splattering of thisvile pen in consequence of my position. Two hours yet before sundown, so of course I am not dressed. They come nearer still. Now I see them!Dr. Addison and Mr. M----! I shall not hurry my toilet for them. Itwill take some time to comb my hair, too. Wish I could remain up here!

 Tuesday, September 30th. 

It required very little persuasion to induce those gentlemen to stayto supper, the other evening, and it was quite late before they tooktheir leave. Dr. Addison I was very much pleased with, and so were allthe rest. Mr. M----, none of us fell desperately in love with. He istoo nonchalant and indifferent, besides having a most peculiarpronunciation which grated harshly on my ears, and that no orthographycould fully express. "Garb, " for instance, was distorted into "gairb, ""yard" into "yaird, " "Airkansas, " and all such words that I can onlyimitate by a violent dislocation of my lower jaw that puts Anna intoconvulsions of laughter--only she would laugh the same if it was _not_funny. This Kentuckian pronunciation grates "hairshly" on my Southernears. Miriam addressed herself exclusively to the Doctor, so I wasobliged to confine my attention entirely to neglected Mr. M----, inwhich pious duty I was ably and charitably seconded by the General. Speaking of the bravery and daring displayed by the Southern soldiersduring this war, Mr. M---- mentioned the dangerous spot he had seen usin the first day we went down to the "Airkansas" and said that, lyingdirectly across the point from the Essex, they expected every instantto see one of her shells explode among us, and were very uneasy aboutour position, as we did not seem to know the danger. I asked him if hehad observed anything peculiar among the dozen planters and overseersstanding a short distance from us, when the Captain sent us word thatour position was a very dangerous one, as they expected the Essex toopen fire every instant, and we had best stand below the levee, higherup, where we would be safe from shells. "I noticed that before any ofyou understood your position, every man had disappeared as though bymagic. " Now I had noticed that myself. When I turned, under shelter ofthe levee, our gallant planters were galloping off in the distance. While Ginnie and I looked and laughed, we suddenly found ourselves thesole objects on the horizon; the other girls were in the road below, going carelessly toward the carriage; so we followed, having lost sightof the brave representatives of Southern chivalry, being the last toleave the supposed field of danger. To my former remark, let me addthat there is only one set who take better care for their safety thanmarried women; and that set is composed exclusively of the "HomeGuard. " Timid girls, either through ignorance or fun, compose themajority of the brave "men" that the volunteer service has notabsorbed. 

 October 1st, Wednesday. 

Just after sunset yesterday, Anna and I were walking down the roadtowards the sugar-house, she reading occasionally from Abbott's"Napoleon, " and then pausing for me to explain the _very_ difficultpassages she could not understand, when we suddenly became aware of theapproach of a horse, and raising our bowed heads, beheld Colonel Breauxand another before us, to our infinite surprise and astonishment. TheColonel sprang from his horse and advanced on foot; his companionslowly followed his example, and was introduced as Captain Morrison. Weadjourned our historical fit for some future period, and walked homewith the gentlemen. Miriam did not get back from her excursion to thecane-patch until it was quite late; when after sitting down a fewmoments, she ran upstairs to change her dress. She had just put it onan hour before, but nothing would do but she must dress up fine; so sheput on her handsomest organdie. In vain I pointed to my simple pinkmuslin with a white body that I had worn all day, and begged she wouldnot make the contrast between us more striking than ever, as I felt Icould not change it without exciting remark. She was obdurate; dressedherself in gorgeous array, and, as usual, I looked like her lady'smaid. 

Colonel Breaux paid my hair the most extravagant compliments. He saidhe could not say his prayers for looking at it in church, Sunday beforelast. Perhaps that is the reason St. Paul said a woman should notworship in church with her head uncovered! But as the Yankees stole mybonnet, I am reduced to wearing my black straw walking-hat with itscurled brim, trimmed in black ribbon with golden sheaves of wheat. Twoyears ago this fall, father threw me a banknote at table, and Ipurchased this with it. Now it is my only headgear, except a sunbonnet. Before leaving, which was not until quite late, this evening was namedfor our ride to the fortifications, to our infinite delight, as we havedreamed and talked of nothing else for a week.... 

A dispatch just received from Gibbes, from Mobile, on his way home. Iam so happy! But what can bring him? I fear--

Lydia has gone to Clinton to meet him at Lilly's. 

 October 2d, Thursday. 

With what extraordinary care we prepared for our ride yesterday! Onewould have thought that some great event was about to take place. Butin spite of our long toilet, we stood ready equipped almost an hourbefore Colonel Breaux arrived. I was standing in a novel place--uponthe bannisters looking over the fields to see if he was coming--and, not seeing him, made some impatient exclamation, when lo! he appearedbefore me, having only been concealed by the wood-pile, and O myprophetic soul! Captain Morrison was by his side!

There was quite a cavalcade of us: Mr. Carter and his wife, Mrs. Badgerand Mrs. Worley, in two buggies; the three boys, who, of course, followed on horseback, and the two gentlemen, Miriam, Anna, and I, riding also. It was really a very pretty sight, when Captain Morrisonand I, who took the lead going, would reach the top of one of the steephills and look down on the procession in the hollow below. Fortunatelyit was a very cloudy evening; for, starting at four, it would have beenvery unpleasant to ride that distance with the sun in our faces. 

As we reached the town we heard the loud report of two cannon whichcaused the elder ladies to halt and suggest the propriety of a return. But if it was a gunboat, that was the very thing I was anxious to see;so we hurried on to the batteries. It proved to be only practicing, however. At the first one we stopped at, the crew of the Arkansas weredrilling. After stopping a while there, we followed the river to seethe batteries below. It was delightful to ride on the edge of a highbluff with the muddy Mississippi below, until you fancied what would bethe probable sensation if the horse should plunge down into the waters;then it ceased to be so pleasant. The great, strong animal I rode couldhave carried me over without a protest on my part; for the ridiculousbit in his mouth was by no means suited to his strength; and it wouldrequire a more powerful arm than mine to supply the deficiency. Miriamhad generously sacrificed her own comfort to give him to me; and rodefiery Joe instead of her favorite. But it was by no means a comfort tome. Then Anna was not reconciled to her pony while I was on such a finehorse, until I proposed an exchange, and gladly dismounted near an oldmill two miles and a half below Port Hudson, as we returned home. 

In leaving the town, we lost sight of the buggies, as there was nocarriage road that might follow the bluff; and though there was onejust back, we never saw our buggies again. Once, following a crescent, far below us lay the water battery concealed by the trees that grew bythe water's edge, looking, from where we stood, like quite a formidableprecipice. Then still beyond, after leaving the river, we passedthrough a camp where the soldiers divided their attention equallybetween eating their supper and staring at us in the most profoundsilence. Then, through an old gate, down a steep hill, past a long lineof rifle-pits, a winding road, and another camp where more men staredand cooked their supper, we came to the last battery but one, which layso far below that it was too late to visit it. We returned highlydelighted with what we had seen and our pleasant ride. It was late whenwe got back, as altogether our ride had been some fifteen miles inlength. As soon as we could exchange our habits for our eveningdresses, we rejoined our guests at the supper-table, where none of uswanted for an appetite except poor Captain Morrison, who could not betempted by the dishes we so much relished. After supper, Colonel Breauxand I got into a discussion, rather, _he_ talked, while I listened witheyes and ears, with all my soul.... What would I not give for suchknowledge! He knows everything, and can express it all in the clearest, purest language, though he says he could not speak a word of English atfourteen!

The discussion commenced by some remark I made about physiognomy; hetook it up, and passed on to phrenology--in which he is no greatbeliever. From there he touched on the mind, and I listened, entranced, to him. Presently he asserted that I possessed reasoning faculties, which I fear me I very rudely denied. You see, every moment the painfulconviction of my ignorance grew more painful still, until it was mosthumiliating; and I repelled it rather as a mockery. He described for mybenefit the process of reasoning, the art of thinking. I listened moreattentively still, resolving to profit by his words.... Then he turnedthe conversation on quite another theme. Health was the subject. Hedelicately alluded to my fragile appearance, and spoke of the necessityof a strong constitution to sustain a vigorous mind. If the mindprevailed over the weak body, in its turn it became affected by decay, and would eventually lose its powers. It was applicable to all cases;he did not mean that I was sickly, but that my appearance bespoke onewho had not been used to the exercise that was most necessary for me. Horseback rides, walks, fresh air were necessary to preserve health. Noman had greater disgust for a freckled face than he; but a fair facecould be preserved by the most ordinary precautions and even improvedby such exercise. He illustrated my case by showing the differencebetween the flower growing in the sunshine and that growing in acellar. Father's own illustration and very words, when he so oftentried to impress on me the necessity of gaining a more robust framethan nature had bestowed! And a letter he had made Hal write me, showing the danger of such neglect, rose before me. I forgot ColonelBreaux; I remembered only the ardent desire of those two, who seemed tospeak to me through his lips. It produced its effect. I felt the guiltI had incurred by not making greater efforts to gain a more robustframe; and putting on my sunbonnet as I arose from the breakfast-tablethis morning, I took my seat here on the wide balcony where I haveremained seated on the floor ever since, with a chair for a desk, trying to drink an extra amount of fresh air. 

I was sorry when Colonel Breaux arose to take his leave. As he took myhand, I said earnestly, "Thank you for giving me something to thinkabout. " He looked gratified, made some pleasant remark, and aftertalking a while longer, said good-night again and rode off. Whileundressing, Miriam and I spoke of nothing else. And when I lay down, and looked in my own heart and saw my shocking ignorance and pitifulinferiority so painfully evident even to my own eyes, I actually cried. Why was I denied the education that would enable me to be the equal ofsuch a man as Colonel Breaux and the others? He says the woman's mindis the same as the man's, originally; it is only education that createsthe difference. Why was I denied that education? Who is to blame? HaveI exerted fully the natural desire To Know that is implanted in allhearts? Have I done myself injustice in my self-taught ignorance, orhas injustice been done to me? Where is the fault, I cried. Have Ilabored to improve the few opportunities thrown in my path, to the bestof my ability? "Answer for yourself. With the exception of ten shortmonths at school, where you learned nothing except arithmetic, you havebeen your own teacher, your own scholar, all your life, after you weretaught by mother the elements of reading and writing. Give an accountof your charge. What do you know?" Nothing! except that I am a fool!and I buried my face in the sheet; I did not like even the darkness tosee me in my humiliation. 

 October 4th, Saturday. 

While Anna and Miriam went out riding last evening, just as I put downmy pen, I went out for a solitary walk down the road that Gibbes wouldhave to pass; but saw nothing of the carriage. When I got back, theytold me he was wounded. My fears were well founded, then. With whatanxiety we waited for his coming it would be impossible to describe. Every wagon rattling through the fields made us stop and listen; everycanestalk waving in the moonlight brought us to our feet. 

At last, after supper, far off in the clear light we saw the carriage. I could not sit still. I walked down the steps and stood under the treein front, followed by Anna. I did not like her to stand nearer the spotwhere it would stop than I, even. All the rest remained on the balcony. We did not know how serious the wound might be; we must be careful. Eugene Carter advised caution for more reasons than one. "Look out!" hecried; "suppose it should be Colonel Breaux?" "Then I am afraid theColonel will get a kiss, " I answered nervously, shuffling from one footto the other. "But suppose it is Mr. M----?" he persisted. "Oh, thankyou for the caution! I will look carefully before I greet him!" Ireturned, moving to the other side, for nearer around the circle movedthe carriage. I heard his voice. 

"O Gibbes, where is it?" "Left shoulder; mere scratch, " he answered. The carriage stopped, "Gibbes! Gibbes!" I cried. "My darling!" and hehad his great strong arm around me; the left was hanging in a sling. Slowly the others moved down the steps towards him. What a meeting! Myheart was in my throat, I was so happy. Every one caught the well handand kissed him again and again, and every one shrunk from that leftside. I had almost forgotten my "gear Lygia" in my excitement. Wefollowed him on the balcony and put him in a chair near the steps. Ipulled off his hat and coat, and knelt in front of him with my armacross his lap, to get near enough. Miriam stood on the steps with hisarm around her shoulder, and Lydia near. The others stood around;altogether, it was a happy group that performed in the tableau of "TheSoldier's Return. " Presently the negroes gathered too. "How is you, Mass' Gibbes?" in all imaginable keys and accents was heard, while theCaptain shook hands with each and inquired into their own state ofhealth. 

But even wounded soldiers can eat; so supper was again prepared. I amafraid it gave me too much pleasure to cut up his food. It was veryagreeable to butter his cornbread, carve his mutton, and spread hispreserves; but I doubt whether it could be so pleasant to a strong man, accustomed to do such small services for himself. We listened to himtalk, but though it was evident from his slow, deliberate speech, sodifferent from his ordinary habit, that he was suffering, yet I feltimpatient when he was interrupted by any commonplace observation by oneof us. I wanted to learn something of his exploits. Much knowledge Iobtained! He was wounded at Sharpsburg on the 17th September, at ninein the morning. That is all the information I got concerning himself. One would imagine that the seventeen months that have elapsed since welast met had been passed in a prolonged picnic. Concerning others, hewas quite communicative. Father Hubert told him he had seen George inthe battle, and he had come out safe. Gibbes did not even know that hewas in it, until then. Our army, having accomplished its object, recrossed the Potomac, after what was decidedly a drawn battle. Bothsides suffered severely. Hardly an officer on either side escapedunhurt. Mr. McGimsey is wounded, and Major Herron reported killed. Iexpect the list will contain the names of many friends when it comes. 

 * * * * *

I have just come from seeing Gibbes's wound dressed. If that is ascratch, Heaven defend me from wounds! A minié ball struck his leftshoulder strap, which caused it to glance, thereby saving the bone. Just above, in the fleshy part, it tore the flesh off in a strip threeinches and a half by two. Such a great raw, green, pulpy wound, boundaround by a heavy red ridge of flesh! Mrs. Badger, who dressed it, turned sick; Miriam turned away groaning; servants exclaimed withhorror; it was the first experience of any, except Mrs. Badger, inwounds. I wanted to try my nerves; so I held the towel around his bodyand kept the flies off while it was being washed. He talked all thetime, ridiculing the groans of sympathy over a "scratch, " and oh, how Iloved him for his fortitude! It is so offensive that the watertrickling on my dress has obliged me to change it. 

 October 6th. 

Last night, I actually drew from Gibbes the outlines of Jackson'scampaign. He told me of some heroic deeds of his fellow soldiers; butof his own, not a word. I have seen his name too often in the papers, to believe that he has no deeds of his own to relate, if he only would. 

 October 9th, Thursday. 

It is astonishing what a quantity of fresh air has been consumed by mesince I formed that wise resolution. The supply must be largelyincreased, to keep up with the demand; perhaps that is the cause of allthese clouds and showers; I must be making a severe drain on theeconomy of heaven. From breakfast to dinner I remain on the balcony, and read aloud several chapters of the "Mémoires" of Dumas, by way ofpractice. A dictionary lies by me, and I suffer no word to pass withouta perfect definition. Then comes my French grammar, which I study whileknitting or sewing, which takes very nearly until dinner-time. Afterthat, I do as I please, either reading or talking, until sunset when wecan ride or walk; the walk being always sweetened with sugar-cane. Theevening we always spend on the balcony. Is that _grand air_ enough? _Omon teint! je serai joliment brune!_

We three girls occupy the same room, since Gibbes's arrival, and haveever so much fun and not half enough sleep. I believe the other twocomplain of me as the cause; but I plead not guilty. I never was knownto laugh aloud, no matter how intense might have been my mirth; "itwon't come, " as Gibbes murmured last night while reading aloud ArtemusWard's last letter, when we discovered it was suppressed laughter, rather than suppressed pain, that caused him to writhe so. On the otherhand, Anna and Miriam laugh as loud and lustily as daughters of theTitans--if the respectable gentlemen had daughters. I confess to doingmore than half the talking, but as to the laugh that follows, not abit. Last night I thought they would go wild, and I too laughed myselfinto silent convulsions, when I recited an early effusion of my poeticmuse for their edification. Miriam made the bedstead prance, fairly, while Anna's laugh sounded like a bull of Bashan with his head in abolster case. 

 Saturday, October 11th. 

Miriam went off to Clinton before daylight yesterday, with Mr. Carterand Mrs. Worley. She would not let me go for fear mother should keepus. At midnight they got back last night, tired, sleepy, andhalf-frozen, for our first touch of cool weather came in a strong northwind in the evening which grew stronger and stronger through the night, and they had worn only muslin dresses. I shall never cease to regretthat I did not go too. Miriam says mother is looking very sad. Sad, andI am trying to forget all our troubles, and am so happy here! O mother, how selfish it was to leave you! I ask myself whether it were best tostay there where we would only be miserable without adding anything toyour comfort or pleasure, or to be here, careless and happy while youare in that horrid hole so sad and lonesome. According to my theory, Miriam would remind me that I say it is better to have three miserablepersons than two happy ones whose happiness occasions the misery of thethird. That is my doctrine only in peculiar cases; it cannot be appliedto this one. I say that if, for example, Miriam and I should love thesame person, while that person loved only me, rather than make herunhappy by seeing me marry him, I would prefer making both him andmyself miserable, by remaining single. She says "Fudge!" which means, Isuppose, nonsense. But our happiness here does not occasion mother'sunhappiness. She would rather see us enjoying ourselves here thanmoping there. One proof is, that she did not suggest our return. Shelongs to get home, but cannot leave poor Lilly alone, for Charlie is inGranada. Oh, how willingly I would return to the old wreck of our home!All its desolation could not be half so unendurable as Clinton. ButLilly cannot be left. Poor Lilly! When I look at her sad young face, myheart bleeds for her. With five helpless little children to care for, is she not to be pitied? I think that such a charge, in such dreadfuldays, would kill me. How patiently she bears it!

 Thursday, October 16th. 

It seems an age since I have opened this book. How the time has passedsince, I have but a vague idea, beyond that it has passed verypleasantly.... Once since, I have been with Mrs. Badger to a Mr. Powell, who has started quite an extensive shoe-making establishment, in the vain attempt to get something to cover my naked feet. I am somuch in need that I have been obliged to borrow Lydia's shoes everytime I have been out since she returned. This was my second visitthere, and I have no greater satisfaction than I had at first. He gotmy measure, I got his promise, and that is the end of it, thus far. Hisson, a young man of about twenty-four, had the cap of his knee shot offat Baton Rouge. Ever since he has been lying on his couch, unable tostand; and the probability is that he will never stand again. Insteadof going out to the manufactory, Mrs. Badger has each time stopped atthe house to see his mother (who, by the way, kissed me and called me"Sissie, " to my great amusement) and there I have seen this poor youngman. He seems so patient and resigned that it is really edifying to bewith him. He is very communicative, too, and seems to enjoy company, nomatter if he does say "her'n" and "his'n. " Wonder why he doesn't say"_shisen_" too? The girls are highly amused at the description I giveof my new acquaintance, but still more so at Mrs. Badger's account ofthe friendship of this poor young cripple, and his enjoyment of myvisits. Of course it is only her own version, as she is very fond ofjokes of all kinds. 

Night before last Lydia got playing the piano for me in the darkenedparlor, and the old tunes from her dear little fingers sent me off in asea of dreams. She too caught the vision, and launched off in awell-remembered quadrille. The same scene flashed on us, and at eachnote, almost, we would recall a little circumstance, charming to us, but unintelligible to Anna, who occupied the other side. Together wetalked over the _dramatis personæ_. Mrs. Morgan, Jr. , in dark blue silkwith black flounces, a crimson chenille net on her black hair, sits atthe piano in her own parlor. On the Brussels carpet stands, amongothers, Her Majesty, Queen Miriam, in a lilac silk, with bare neck andarms save for the protection afforded by a bertha of _appliqué_ lacetrimmed with pink ribbon, with hair _à la_ madonna, and fastened low onher neck. Is she not handsome as she stands fronting the folding doors, her hand in tall Mr. Trezevant's, just as she commences to dance, withthe tip of her black bottine just showing? Vis-à-vis stands prettySophie, with her large, graceful mouth smiling and showing her prettyteeth to the best advantage. A low neck and short-sleeved green andwhite poplin is her dress, while her black hair, combed off from herforehead carelessly, is caught by a comb at the back and falls in curlson her shoulders. A prettier picture could not be wished for, as shelooks around with sparkling eyes, eager for the dance to begin. Therestands calm Dena in snuff-colored silk, looking so immeasurably thesuperior of her partner, who, I fancy, rather feels that she is thebetter man of the two, from his nervous way of shifting from one footto the other, without saying a word to her. Nettie, in lilac and white, stands by the mantel laughing undisguisedly at her partner, rather thanwith him, yet so good-humoredly that he cannot take offense, but ratherlaughs with her. Lackadaisical Gertrude, whose face is so perfect inthe daytime, looks pale and insipid by gaslight, and timidly walksthrough the dance. Stout, good-natured Minna smiles and laughs, neverquite completing a sentence, partly from embarrassment, partly becauseshe hardly knows how; but still so sweet and amiable that one cannotfind fault with her for so trifling a misfortune. At this point, Lydiasuggests, "And Sarah, do you forget her?" I laugh; how could I forget?There she stands in a light blue silk checked in tiny squares, withlittle flounces up to her knee. Her dress fits well, and she wears verypretty sleeves and collar of _appliqué_. Lydia asks if that is all, andhow she looks. The same old song, I answer. She is looking at Miriamjust now; you would hardly notice her, but certainly her hair is wellcombed. That is all you can say for her. Who is she dancing with? Ayouth fond of "dreams"; futile ones, at that, I laughingly reply. Hemust be relating one just now, for there is a very perceptible curl onher upper lip, and she is looking at him as though she thought she wasthe tallest. Lydia dashes off into a lively jig. "Ladies to the right!"I cried. She laughed too, well knowing that that part of the dance wasinvariably repeated a dozen times at least. She looked slyly up: "I amthinking of how many hands I saw squeezed, " she said. I am afraid itdid happen, once or twice. 

Eighteen months ago! What a change! One who was prominent on suchoccasions--Mr. Sparks--they tell me is dead. May God have mercy on hissoul, in the name of Jesus Christ! I did not ask even this revenge. 

 October 18th, Saturday. 

Last night mother arrived from Clinton with Gibbes and Lydia, who hadgone there the day before to get her to go to Baton Rouge. 

 CLINTON, October 19th, Sunday. 

What an unexpected change! I am surprised myself! Yesterday as theBaton Rouge party were about leaving, Miriam thought Lilly would belonesome alone here with her sick baby, and decided that we shouldleave by the cars, and stay with her until mother returned. There wasno time to lose; so dressing in haste, we persuaded Anna to accompanyus, and in a few moments stood ready. We walked down to the overseer'shouse to wait for the cars, and passed the time most agreeably ineating sugar-cane, having brought a little negro expressly to cut itfor us and carry our carpet-bag. Three young ladies, who expected to begone from Saturday until Wednesday, having but one carpet-bag betweenthem! Can it be credited? But, then, we knew we had clothes here, anddepended upon them for supplies, when we now find they are in the trunkand mother has the key. 

We walked aboard alone, in the crowded train, and found ourselves inthe only car reserved for ladies, which was already filled with a largeparty returning from Port Hudson, consisting of the fastest set ofgirls that I have seen for some time. Anna and I had to contentourselves with a seat on a small box between the benches, while Miriamwas established on the only vacant one, with a sick soldier lying ather feet. The fast girls talked as loud as possible and laughed in acorresponding style in spite of the sick man. They must have been on apicnic, from the way they talked. One in a short dress complained thatshe had not seen her sweetheart. A pert little miss of thirteen cried, "You can bet your head I never went to any place where I did not seeone of _my_ sweethearts. " One of about seventeen, a perfect beauty, declared she would die of thirst. "So will I! and I don't want to diebefore I get a husband!" exclaimed her vis-à-vis. They evidentlyexpected to produce an impression on us. At every "brilliant" remark("stupid" understood), they looked at us to see what we thought. All ofthem sat with bare heads in the strong light, an unfailing proof of _labasse classe_ on steamers and cars. Every time my veil blew aside, theymade no difficulty about scanning my features as though they thought itmight be agreeable. I must confess I was equally impolite in regard tothe Beauty; but then her loveliness was an excuse, and my veilsheltered me, besides. While this young Psyche was fascinating me, withher perfect face and innocent expression, one of her companions made aremark--one that I dare say is made every day, and that I neverimagined could be turned into harm. My Beauty uttered a prolonged "Oh!"of horror, and burst out laughing, followed by all the others. Mydisgust was unspeakable. Mock modesty is always evident. A modest girlcould not have noticed the "catch"; the immodest, on the lookout forsuch an opportunity, was the only one who could have perceived it. Well! after all, no one can be perfect; this may be the single stain onmy Beauty, though I confess I would rather have any other failing thanthis, almost. 

Putting this aside, I hardly know which I was most amused by: thegiddy, lively girls to my right, or the two ladies to my left who wereas cross and ill-natured as two old cats and railed unmercifully at thesilly creatures behind them, and carried their spite so far as torefuse to drink because the conductor (the husband of one of them) gavethe young ladies water before passing it to their two elders. Didn'tthe poor man get it! She wouldn't taste a drop of that nasty dirtydrippings, that she wouldn't! Might have had the decency to attend tohis kinsfolks, before them creatures! And why didn't he wait on thosetwo young ladies behind her? He did ask them? Well, ask them again!they must want some! Poor Henpecked meekly passed the can again, to beagain civilly declined. I confess the "drippings" were too much for mealso, though I did not give it as my excuse. Mrs. Hen recommenced herpecking; poor Mr. Hen at last surlily rejoined, "For Heaven's sake, don't make a fuss in the cars, " with an emphasis on the last word thatshowed he was accustomed to it at home, at least. With my veil down, Ileaned against the window, and remembering Colonel Breaux's remarks twonights before concerning cross people, I played his "littlephilosopher" for the remainder of the journey. 

At sunset we walked in at Lilly's gate, and astonished her by standingbefore her as she sat alone with her poor sick little Beatrice in herarms.... 

 Wednesday, 22d October, LINWOOD. 

We left Clinton this morning, and have just now arrived by the cars. Charlie came in last evening, to our great surprise, so we did notscruple to leave Lilly.... 

The Baton Rouge party returned late this evening. In spite of allpreparation, Gibbes was horrified at the appearance of home. 

 Friday, October 24th. 

A letter from Jimmy, the first we have received since New Orleans fell. It was dated the 10th inst. , and he spoke of being on the eve ofrunning the blockade, and going to Liverpool "to represent ourunfortunate navy, " as he says, though I am at loss to imagine what hecan mean. He speaks of a kind friend, a Mr. George Trenholm, [12] whosekindness has been perfectly extraordinary. He has befriended him inevery way. 

 [12] Secretary of the Treasury of the Confederate States. Later, Colonel James Morris Morgan ("Jimmy" in the Diary), married Mr. Trenholm's daughter Helen, whose portrait appears on an issue of Confederate bank notes. 

Charlie has just come by the railroad, bringing other letters from him, to mother and Lilly. In mother's is his last good-bye on the 12th. Again Mr. Trenholm is the theme. I could not help crying over my dearlittle brother's manly, affectionate letter. He says he is sure Godwill still care for him, He has raised him up friends wherever he hasbeen. He says he lost all his clothing in going to Charleston. There, among other kind people, he met this gentleman, who carried him to hishouse, where he has kept him ever since, treating him like his son, andforced him to accept a magnificent outfit as a present from him. Heprocured the appointment which sends Jimmy abroad (I wish Jimmy hadbeen more explicit concerning it; we hardly know what it is, or howlong it will keep him). The money he received to pay Jimmy's passage(received from the Government) he in turn obliged Jimmy to accept, ashe sails in one of Mr. Trenholm's steamers; and not satisfied withthat, gives him _carte blanche_ on his house in England, to be filledup with any amount he chooses to name. 

Mother went back to Clinton with Charlie that evening, to my greatdistress; for she hates that odious place as much as I. 

I know the life will kill her if it lasts six months longer. How happyI would be, if it were not for the thought of her uncomfortableposition there! Lilly agrees with me that, once out of it, she neverwishes to see the vile place again. Margret says that when the Lord hadfinished all the world and all the people, he had some scraps left, andjust thought he'd "batch up" Clinton with them. Perhaps she is right. 

 Sunday, 26th October. 

This place is completely overrun by soldiers passing and repassing. Friday night five stayed here, last night two more, and another hasjust gone. One, last night, a bashful Tennesseean, had never tastedsugar-cane. We were sitting around a blazing fire, enjoying it hugely, when in answer to our repeated invitations to help himself, heconfessed he had never eaten it. Once instructed, though, he got onremarkably well, and ate it in a civilized manner, considering it was afirst attempt. 

Everything points to a speedy attack on Port Hudson. Rumors reach usfrom New Orleans of extensive preparations by land and water, and ofthe determination to burn Clinton as soon as they reach it, in revengefor the looms that were carried from Baton Rouge there, and which cansoon be put in working order to supply our soldiers, negroes, andourselves with necessary clothing. Of two evils, if Baton Rouge is tobe overrun by Yankees, and Clinton burned, I would rather await them athome. 

 Sunday, November 2d. 

Yesterday was a day of novel sensations to me. First came a letter frommother announcing her determination to return home, and telling us tobe ready next week. Poor mother! she wrote drearily enough of thehardships we would be obliged to undergo in the dismantled house, andof the new experience that lay before us; but _n'importe_! I am readyto follow her to Yankeeland, or any other place she chooses to go. Itis selfish for me to be so happy here while she leads such adistasteful life in Clinton. In her postscript, though, she said shewould wait a few days longer to see about the grand battle which issupposed to be impending; so our stay will be indefinitely prolonged. How thankful I am that we will really get back, though! I hardlybelieve it possible, however; it is too good to be believed. 

The nightmare of a probable stay in Clinton being removed, I got inwhat the boys call a "perfect gale, " and sang all my old songs with agreater relish than I have experienced for many a long month. My heartwas open to every one. So forgiving and amiable did I feel that I wentdownstairs to see Will Carter! I made him so angry last Tuesday that hewent home in a fit of sullen rage. It seems that some time ago, someone, he said, told him such a joke on me that he had laughed all nightat it. Mortified beyond all expression at the thought of having had myname mentioned between two men, I, who have thus far fancied myselfsecure from all remarks good, bad, or indifferent (of men), I refusedto have anything to say to him until he should either explain me thejoke, or, in case it was not fit to be repeated to me, until heapologized for the insult. He took two minutes to make up a lie. Thiswas the joke, he said. Our _milkman_ had said that that Sarah Morganwas the proudest girl he ever saw; that she walked the streets asthough the earth was not good enough for her. My milkman making hisremarks! I confess I was perfectly aghast with surprise, and did notconceal my contempt for the remark, or his authority either. But onecan't fight one's milkman! I did not care for what he or any of thatclass could say; I was surprised to find that they thought at all! ButI resented it as an insult as coming from Mr. Carter, until with tearsin his eyes fairly, and in all humility, he swore that, if it had beenanything that could reflect on me in the slightest degree, he wouldthrash the next man who mentioned my name. I was not uneasy about amilkman's remarks, so I let it pass, after making him acknowledge thathe had told me a falsehood concerning the remark which had been made. But I kept my revenge. I had but to cry "Milk!" in his hearing to makehim turn crimson with rage. At last he told me that the less I said onthe subject, the better it would be for me. I could not agree. "Milk" Iinsisted was a delightful beverage. I had always been under theimpression that we owned a cow, until he had informed me it was amilkman, but was perfectly indifferent to the animal so I got the milk. With some such allusion, I could make him mad in an instant. Either aguilty conscience, or the real joke, grated harshly on him, and Ipossessed the power of making it still worse. Tuesday I pressed it toofar. He was furious, and all the family warned me that I was making adangerous enemy. 

Yesterday he came back in a good humor, and found me in unimpairedspirits. I had not talked even of "curds, " though I had given himseveral hard cuts on other subjects, when an accident happened whichfrightened all malicious fun out of me. We were about going out aftercane, and Miriam had already pulled on one of her buckskin gloves, dubbed "old sweety" from the quantity of cane-juice they contain, whenMr. Carter slipped on its mate, and held it tauntingly out to her. Shetapped it with a case-knife she held, when a stream of blood shot upthrough the glove. A vein was cut and was bleeding profusely. 

He laughed, but panic seized the women. Some brought a basin, somestood around. I ran after cobwebs, while Helen Carter held the vein andMiriam stood in silent horror, too frightened to move. It was, indeed, alarming, for no one seemed to know what to do, and the blood flowedrapidly. Presently he turned a dreadful color, and stopped laughing. Ibrought a chair, while the others thrust him into it. His face grewmore deathlike, his mouth trembled, his eyes rolled, his head dropped. I comprehended that these must be symptoms of fainting, a phenomenon Ihad never beheld. I rushed after water, and Lydia after cologne. Between us, it passed away; but for those few moments I thought it wasall over with him, and trembled for Miriam. Presently he laughed againand said, "Helen, if I die, take all my negroes and money and prosecutethose two girls! Don't let them escape!" Then, seeing my long face, hecommenced teasing me. "Don't ever pretend you don't care for me again!Here you have been unmerciful to me for months, hurting more than thiscut, never sparing me once, and the moment I get scratched, it's 'O Mr. Carter!' and you fly around like wild and wait on me!" In vain Irepresented that I would have done the same for his old lame dog, andthat I did not like him a bit better; he would not believe it, butpersisted that I was a humbug and that I liked him in spite of myprotestations. As long as he was in danger of bleeding to death, I lethim have his way; and, frightened out of teasing, spared him for therest of the evening. 

Just at what would have been twilight but for the moonshine, when hewent home after the blood was stanched and the hand tightly bound, acarriage drove up to the house, and Colonel Allen was announced. Ican't say I was ever more disappointed. I had fancied him tall, handsome, and elegant; I had heard of him as a perfect fascinator, awoman-killer. Lo! a wee little man is carried in, in the arms of twoothers, --wounded in both legs at Baton Rouge, he has never yet beenable to stand.... He was accompanied by a Mr. Bradford, whose assiduousattentions and boundless admiration for the Colonel struck me asunusual.... I had not observed him otherwise, until the Generalwhispered, "Do you know that that is the brother of your oldsweetheart?" Though the appellation was by no means merited, Irecognized the one he meant. Brother to our Mr. Bradford of eighteenmonths ago! My astonishment was unbounded, and I alluded to itimmediately. He said it was so; that his brother had often spoken tohim of us, and the pleasant evenings he had spent at home. 

 November 4th, 1862. 

O what a glorious time we had yesterday! First, there were those twogentlemen to be entertained all day, which was rather a stretch, Iconfess, so I stole away for a while. Then I got the sweetest letterfrom Miss Trenholm, enclosing Jimmy's photograph, and she praised himso that I was in a damp state of happiness and flew around showing mypicture to everybody, Mr. Bradford included, who pronounced him a nobleboy, and admired him to my satisfaction. Then came a letter from Lilly, saying mother had decided to remain in Clinton, and wanted us to joinher there. O my prophetic soul! My heart went below zero! Then ColonelAllen sent to Port Hudson for the band to serenade us, and raised myspirits in anticipation of the treat. While performing my toilet in theevening, Waller Fowler arrived, on his way to Vicksburg, bringing aletter to Miriam from Major Drum! Heaven only knows how it got here!Such a dear, kind letter, dated 6th of August, only! Affairs were verydifferent then, and he said that Lavinia's distress about us was suchthat he must try to send her nearer to us. And such an unexpected pieceof news! Oh, my heart fails me! I cannot fancy Lavinia a mother. 

Slowly I dressed myself, and still more slowly I combed Anna. I couldthink of nothing else until I heard Miriam and Mr. Bradford call us totake a walk, when we hurried down to them. A race down to the railroad, a merry talk standing on the track mingled with shouts of laughter inwhich I tried to drown fears for Lavinia, made the early sunset cloudspass away sooner than usual, to us, and moonlight warned us to return. Mrs. Worley passed us in her buggy, coming to stay all night; andhalfway a servant met us, saying two soldiers had come to call on us. Once there, I was surprised to find that one was Frank Enders, the oneI least expected to see. The other was a Mr. Harold. I need notdescribe him, beyond this slight indication of his style. Before halfan hour was over, he remarked to Anna that I was a _very_ handsomegirl, and addressed me as--_Miss Sally_! That is sufficient. 

Then Will Carter came in, and joined our circle. His first aside was, "If you only knew how much I liked you last night, you would never becruel to me again. Why, I thought you the greatest girl in the world!Please let's part friends to-night again!" I would not promise, for Iknew I would tease him yet; and at supper, when I insisted on histaking a glass of milk, his face turned so red that Mrs. Carter pinchedmy arm blue, and refused to help me to preserves because I was makingWill _mad_! But Waller helped me, and I drank my own milk to Mr. Carter's health with my sweetest smile. "Confound that milkman! I wishhe had cut his throat before I stumbled over him, " he exclaimed aftertea. But I had more amusing game than to make him angry then; I wantedto laugh to get rid of the phantom that pursued me, Lavinia. 

The evening passed off very pleasantly; I think there were someeighteen of us in the parlor. About ten the General went to thesugar-house (he commenced grinding yesterday) and whispered to me tobring the young people down presently. Mr. Bradford and I succeeded inmoving them, and we three girls retired to change our pretty dressesfor plain ones, and get shawls and _nuages_, for our warm week hadsuddenly passed away, and it was quite cold out. Some of the gentlemenremarked that very few young ladies would have the courage to changepretty evening dresses for calico, after appearing to such advantage. Many would prefer wearing such dresses, however inappropriate, to thesugar-mill. With his droll gravity, Gibbes answered, "Oh, our girlsdon't want to be stuck up!"

There was quite a string of us as we straggled out in the beautifulmoonlight, with only Mrs. Badger as an escort. Mr. Enders and I had agay walk of it, and when we all met at the furnace, we stopped andwarmed ourselves, and had a laugh before going in. Inside, it waslighted up with Confederate gas, in other words, pine torches, whichshed a delightful light, neither too much nor too little, over thedifferent rooms. We tried each by turns. The row of bubbling kettleswith the dusky negroes bending over in the steam, and lightly turningtheir paddles in the foamy syrup, the whole under the influence oftorchlight, was very interesting; but then, Mr. Enders and I found aplace more pleasant still. It was in the first purgery, standing at themouth of the chute through which the liquid sugar runs into the car;and taking the place of the car as soon as it was run off to thecoolers, each armed with a paddle, scraped the colon up and had our ownfun while eating. Then running along the little railroad to where theothers stood in the second room over the vats, and racing back againall together to eat sugar-cane and cut up generally around our firstpine torch, we had really a gay time. 

Presently "Puss wants a corner" was suggested, and all flew up to thesecond staging, under the cane-carrier and by the engine. Such racingfor corners! Such scuffles among the gentlemen! Such confusion amongthe girls when, springing forward for a place, we would find it alreadyoccupied! All dignity was discarded. We laughed and ran as loud andfast as any children, and the General enjoyed our fun as much as we, and encouraged us in our pranks. Waller surpassed himself, Mr. Bradfordcarried all by storm, Mr. Enders looked like a schoolboy on a frolic, Mr. Carter looked sullen and tried lazily not to mar the sportcompletely, while Mr. Harold looked timidly foolish and half afraid ofour wild sport. Mrs. Badger laughed, the General roared, Anna flewaround like a balloon, Miriam fairly danced around with fun and frolic, while I laughed so that it was an exertion to change corners. Thenforfeits followed, with the usual absurd formalities in which Mr. Bradford sentenced himself unconsciously to ride a barrel, Miriam tomake him a love speech going home, Mr. Enders to kiss my hand, and I tomake him (Mr. Enders) a declaration, which I instantly did, in French, whereby I suffered no inconvenience, as Miriam alone comprehended. Thencame more sugar-cane and talk in the purgery, and we were horrifiedwhen Mrs. Badger announced that it was twelve o'clock, and gave ordersto retire. 

O the pleasant walk home! Then, of course, followed a last good-nighton the balcony, while the two young men mounted their horses and FrankEnders vowed to slip off every time he had a chance and come out to seeus. Then there was a grand proposition for a ride to Port Hudson onhorseback, and in order to secure a pledge that we would pass byGeneral Beale's headquarters, Mr. Enders wrapped my _nuage_ around histhroat, declaring that I would be obliged to stop there for it, though, if prevented, he would certainly be obliged to bring it back himself. This morning, however, the married ladies made so much difficulty aboutwho should go, and how, that we were forced to abandon it, much as wewould have enjoyed it. 

I am afraid to say how late it was when we got to bed. I know it wasalmost ten when we left the breakfast-table this morning, so I supposeit must have been quite late before we retired. To Colonel Allen's, aswell as to our own great disappointment, the band could not come onaccount of sickness. 

 November 6th. 

We three girls fancied a walk last evening, and immediately afterdinner prepared to walk to Mrs. Breaux's, only a mile, and get her tocome to the sugar-house. But as we put on our bonnets, CaptainBradford, brother of the one who left in the morning, was announced, and our expedition had to be abandoned. This is the third of the fivebrothers that I have met, and if it were not for the peculiarity intheir voices, I should say that there was not the most distantrelationship existing between them. This one is very handsome, quiet, and what Dickens calls "in a high-shouldered state of deportment. " Helooks like a moss-covered stone wall, a slumbering volcano, a--what youplease, so it suggests anything unexpected and dangerous to stumbleover. A man of indomitable will and intense feeling, I am sure. Ishould not like to rouse his temper, or give him cause to hate me. Atrip to the sugar-house followed, as a matter of course, and we showedhim around, and told him of the fun we had those two nights, and taughthim how to use a paddle like a Christian. We remained there untilsupper-time, when we adjourned to the house, where we spent theremainder of the evening very pleasantly. At least I suppose he foundit so, for it was ten o'clock before he left. 

 * * * * *

Just now I was startled by a pistol shot. Threatening to shoot her, Mr. Carter playfully aimed Miriam's pistol at her, and before he could takefair aim, one barrel went off, the shot grazing her arm and passingthrough the armoir just behind. Of course, there was greatconsternation. Those two seem doomed to kill each other. She had playedhim the same trick before. He swore that he would have killed himselfwith the other shot if she had been hurt; but what good would that doher?

 Sunday, November 9th. 

I hardly know how these last days have passed. I have an indistinctrecollection of rides in cane-wagons to the most distant field, comingback perched on the top of the cane singing, "Dye my petticoats, " tothe great amusement of the General who followed on horseback. Anna andMiriam, comfortably reposing in corners, were too busy to join in, astheir whole time and attention were entirely devoted to the consumptionof cane. It was only by singing rough impromptus on Mr. Harold andCaptain Bradford that I roused them from their task long enough to joinin a chorus of "Forty Thousand Chinese. " I would not have changed myperch, four mules, and black driver, for Queen Victoria's coach andsix. 

And to think old Abe wants to deprive us of all that fun! No morecotton, sugar-cane, or rice! No more old black aunties or uncles! Nomore rides in mule teams, no more songs in the cane-field, no moresteaming kettles, no more black faces and shining teeth around thefurnace fires! If Lincoln could spend the grinding season on aplantation, he would recall his proclamation. As it is, he has onlyproved himself a fool, without injuring us. Why, last evening I tookold Wilson's place at the bagasse shoot, and kept the rollers free fromcane until I had thrown down enough to fill several carts, and had myhands as black as his. What cruelty to slaves! And black Frank thinksme cruel, too, when he meets me with a patronizing grin, and shows methe nicest vats of candy, and peels cane for me. Oh! very cruel! And sodoes Jules, when he wipes the handle of his paddle on his apron, togive "Mamselle" a chance to skim the kettles and learn how to work!Yes! and so do all the rest who meet us with a courtesy and "Howd'y, young Missus!" Last night we girls sat on the wood just in front of thefurnace--rather Miriam and Anna did, while I sat in their laps--andwith some twenty of all ages crowded around, we sang away to theirgreat amusement. Poor oppressed devils! Why did you not chunk us withthe burning logs instead of looking happy, and laughing like fools?Really, some good old Abolitionist is needed here, to tell them howmiserable they are. Can't Mass' Abe spare a few to enlighten hisbrethren?

 November 10th, Monday. 

In spite of its being Sunday, no sooner was dinner concluded yesterdaythan we adjourned, as usual, to the sugar-house to see how much damagewe could do. Each took from a negro his long paddle, and for more thanhalf an hour skimmed the kettles industriously, to the amazement ofhalf a dozen strange soldiers who came to see the extraordinary processof sugar-making. At one time the two boys taking possession of the twoother paddles, not a negro was at the kettles, but stood inspecting ourwork. The hardest part we found to be discharging the batteries, whichnone of us could do without their assistance. 

We had no sooner relinquished our paddles than some one announced twogentlemen at the house. While we were discussing the possibility ofchanging our dresses before being seen, enter Mr. Enders and GibbesMorgan[13] of Fenner's battery. No retreat being possible, we lookedcharmed and self-possessed in spite of plain calicoes and stickyhands.... Mr. Enders very conveniently forgot to bring my _nuage_. Hesays he started expressly to do so, but reflecting that I might thenhave no inducement to pay that visit to Port Hudson, he left it foranother time.... We arranged a visit to Gibbes, and Mr. Enders made mepromise to call at General Beale's headquarters for a pass. "They willwant you to go to the Provost Marshal's for it, but you just come toGeneral Beale's, and send a courier for me, and I will bring itmyself!"--and half in fun, half in earnest, I promised. 

 [13] H. Gibbes Morgan, a cousin. 

 November 12th, Wednesday. 

Once more a cripple and consigned to my bed, for how long, Heaven onlyknows. This is written while in a horizontal position, reposing on myright arm, which is almost numb from having supported me for somesixteen hours without turning over. Let me see if I can remember how ithappened. 

Last evening we started out to see Gibbes, just Miriam and Anna in onebuggy, and Mrs. Badger and I in the other. Gibbes proper, that is, theCaptain, and the General both approved, but neither could accompany us. It is useless to say how much I objected to going without a gentleman. Indeed, when we reached the road which formed the fourth side of thesquare formed by Colonel Breaux's, Captain Bradford's, and CaptainFenner's camps, I thought I should die of terror on finding myself insuch a crowd of soldiers on parade. My thick veil alone consoled me, but I made a vow that I would not go through it again, not if I neversaw Gibbes, Jr. , again on earth. 

His camp lay far off from the road, so that we had to drive out to itbetween the other two, and asked a soldier to tell him that we werethere. Presently he came up, looking so pleased that I was almost gladthat we had come; and then Captain Fenner appeared, looking charmed, and Lieutenant Harris, who looked more alarmed and timid than I. Captain Fenner exerted himself to entertain us, and seeing howfrightened I was, assured me that it was an everyday occurrence foryoung ladies to visit them in parties without gentlemen, and that itwas done all through the Confederacy; which, however, did not comfortme for the hundreds of eyes that were looking at us as our small partystood out in front of the encampment around a cannon. I think he canthrow more expression into his eyes than any one I ever saw. Miriamsuggested sending Gibbes to the Provost to get our pass in order toavoid the crowd that might be there. Eager to leave the present one fora more retired spot, I exclaimed, "Oh, no! let us go ourselves! Wecan't get in a worse crowd!" I meant a _greater_; but Captain Fennerlooked so comically at me that I could scarcely laugh out an apology, while he laughed so that I am sure he did not listen to me. What acomical mouth! I liked him _very_ much, this time. He promised to comeout to-day or to-morrow, and have a game of "Puss wants a corner" inthe sugar-house. But now I can't join in, though it was to me thepromise was made. 

But to the catastrophe at once. 

As we left, we insisted on taking Gibbes to get our pass, and made himget into Miriam's buggy, where there was space for him to kneel anddrive. I was to carry out my promise to Mr. Enders. We had to pass justby the camp of the First Alabama, Colonel Steadman's, where the wholeregiment was on parade. We had not gone thirty yards beyond them when agun was discharged. The horse instantly ran off. I don't believe therecould be two cooler individuals than Mrs. Badger and I were. I hadevery confidence in her being able to hold him so long as the bridlelasted. I had heard that there was more danger in jumping at suchmoments than in remaining quiet, so I sat still. There was nothing tohold to, as it was a no-top, or what I call a "low-neck, " buggy; so myhands rested quietly in my lap. Presently I saw the left rein snapclose to the horse's mouth. I knew all was over then, but did not uttera word. Death seemed inevitable, and I thought it was as well to takeit coolly. The horse turned abruptly; I felt that something impelled meout, followed the impulse, saw Mrs. Badger's white cape flutteringabove me, received a blow on the extremity of my spine that I thoughtwould kill me before I reached the ground, landing, however, on my lefthip, and quietly reclining on my left elbow, with my face to an upsetbuggy whose wheels spun around in empty air. I heard a rush as ofhorses; I saw men galloping up; I would have given worlds to spring tomy feet, or even to see if they were exposed; but found I could notmove. I had no more power over my limbs than if they were iron; onlythe intense pain told me I was still alive. I was perfectly conscious, but unable to move. My only wonder was why Miriam, who was in front, did not come to me. 

My arm was giving away. Dimly, as through a haze, or dream, I saw asoldier bending over me, trying to raise me. The horse he had sprungfrom rushed up to his master, and reared up over me. I saw the ironhoofs shining above my body; death was certain this time, but I couldnot move. He raised his arm and struck him, and obedient to the blowthe animal turned aside and let his feet fall without crushing me. Mrs. Carter, when she heard it described, offered a fabulous sum for acorrect drawing of that most interesting tableau, the gallant Alabamiansupporting a helpless form on one arm, while he reined in a fierycharger with the other. I was not aware of the romance; I was consciousonly of the unpleasant situation. 

Dozens crowded around, and if I had been a girl for display, here wasan opportunity, for thirty pair of soldier arms were stretched out tohold me. "No! Gibbes! Gibbes!" I whispered, and had the satisfaction ofbeing transferred from a stranger's to my cousin's arms. Gibbestrembled more than I, but with both arms clasped around me, held me up. But for that I would have returned to my original horizontal position. "Send for the doctor!" cried one. "A surgeon, quick!" cried another. "Tell them no!" I motioned. I was conscious of a clatter of hoofs andcloud of dust. One performed a feat never heard of before. He brought aglass of water at full gallop which I instantly drained by way ofacknowledgment. I think I felt the unpleasant situation more than thepain. Not being accustomed to being the centre of attraction, I was byno means pleased with the novel experience. Miriam held my hand, andquestioned me with a voice tremulous with fear and laughter. Annaconvulsively sobbed or giggled some question. I felt the ridiculousposition as much as they. Laughing was agony, but I had to do it togive them an excuse, which they readily seized to give vent to theirfeelings, and encouraged by seeing it, several gold-band officersjoined in, constantly endeavoring to apologize or check themselves witha "Really, Miss, it may seem unfeeling, but it is impossible"--the restwas lost in a gasp, and a wrestle between politeness and the desire tolaugh. 

I don't know what I was thinking of, but I certainly paid very littleattention to what was going on. I only wanted to get home, away fromall those eyes; and my most earnest wish made me forget them. The firstremark I heard was my young Alabamian crying, "It is the most beautifulsomerset I ever saw! Indeed, it could not be more gracefully done! Yourfeet did not show!" Naïf, but it was just what I wanted to know, anddared not ask. Some one ran up, and asked who was hurt, and I heardanother reply, "I am afraid the young lady is seriously injured, onlyshe won't acknowledge it. It is worth while looking at her. She is thecoolest, most dignified girl you ever saw"; and another was added tothe already too numerous audience. Poor Mrs. Badger, having sufferedonly from torn clothing, received very little sympathy, while I gotmore than my share. I really believe that the blow I received was fromher two hundred and forty pound body, though the Alabamian declares hesaw the overturning buggy strike me as I fell. 

To her and others I am indebted for the repetition of many a remarkthat escaped me. One bold soldier boy exclaimed, "Madame, we are allwarriors, but we can't equal that! It is braver than any man!" I had tolaugh occasionally to keep my spirits up, but Miriam ordered me toquit, saying that I would go off in hysterics. I had previouslyrepeatedly declared to the Doctor that I was not hurt, and seeing himidle, and hearing Miriam's remark, the Alabamian--I am told--cried, "ODoctor! Doctor! can't you do something? Is she going to havehysterics?" "Really, " said the Doctor, "the young lady objects to beingexamined; but as far as I can judge, she has no limbs broken. "Everybody ordered me to confess at once my injury; but how was I toinform a whole crowd that I had probably broken the tip of my backbone, and could not possibly sit down? So I adhered to my first affirmation, and made no objection when they piled the cushions up and made Gibbesput me down; for I knew he must be tired. 

I am told I remained there an hour. I know they talked to me, and thatI answered; but have not an idea of the subject. A gentleman brought abuggy, and offered to drive me home; but a Captain Lenair insisted onrunning after the ambulance. Arrived there, Mr. Enders says he rushedin, crying, "For God's sake, General Beale, lend me the ambulance!There is a dreadful accident, and I am afraid the young lady will die!"Coming back he exclaimed, "By Jove! boys, if you want to see a sight, run down and see her hair! The prettiest auburn (?) you ever looked at, and sweeps the ground! I wouldn't mind such a fall if I had such hairto show. Come look at it, do!" Mr. Enders says he was sure that it wasI, as soon as hair was mentioned, and started out as soon as he hadfinished a duty he had to perform. My garter, a purple silk ribbon, layin the centre of the ring. By the respectful silence observed, I sawthey recognized its use, so, unwilling to leave such a relic behind, Iasked aloud for my "ribbon, " whereupon Anna says the officers pinchedeach other and smiled. Up came the ambulance, and I was in imminentdanger of being carried to it, when with a desperate effort I regainedmy feet with Gibbes's help, and reached it without other assistance. Beyond, I could do no more. 

Captain Lenair got inside, and several others lifted me up to him, andI sank motionless on the floor. All bade me good-bye, and my littleAlabamian assured me that he was proud of having been the first toassist me. President Miller whispered to Mrs. Badger for permission toaccompany us, which she readily granted, and raising me on the seat, heinsisted on putting his arm around me to hold me up. It was useless todecline. "Now, Miss Morgan, I assure you I am an old married man! Iknow you are suffering! Let me have my way!" and the kind old gentlemanheld me so comfortably, and broke the force of so many jolts, that Iwas forced to submit and acknowledge that had it not been for him Icould not have endured the rough road. At the gate that leads toGeneral Beale's headquarters, I saw half a dozen figures standing. Onewas Frank Enders, who hailed the driver. "Hush!" said one I recognizedas Captain Lenair. "The young lady is in there, and the Provost, too!""I don't care if it is Jeff Davis, I'll find out if she is hurt!" heanswered. Miriam and Anna recognized him, as they followed behind us, and called to him. Without more ado, he jumped into their buggy, finding them alone, and drove them home. He asked me something as hepassed, but I could not answer. 

The road was dreadful. Once the driver mistook it and drove us withintwo steps of an embankment six feet high, but discovered the mistakebefore the horses went over. 

What I most dreaded was explanations when we should arrive. Miriamstepped out an instant before, and I heard her telling the accident. Then everybody, big and little, white and black, gathered around theambulance. The Provost thought himself privileged to carry me, Gibbesinsisted on trying it with his one arm, when the General picked me upand landed me on the gallery. He wanted me to lie down in old Mrs. Carter's room, but confident that once there I could not get up, andfeeling that perhaps the gentlemen would take advantage of its being onthe ground floor to suggest calling on me, I struggled upstairs withHelen's assistance. A dozen hands undressed me, and laid me on my facein bed, which position I have occupied up to the present, 3 P. M.... Unable to turn, all night I lay awake, lying on my face, the leastcomfortable of positions; but though the slightest motion tortured me, I had to laugh as we talked it over. 

Of course, this has been written in scratches, and in my same position, which will account for many blots. This morning I was interrupted bymother's unexpected arrival, she having come with Dellie and Morgan tospend the day. Of course, she is horrified at the accident of that"unfortunate Sarah"!

 Saturday, November 15th. 

I think I grow no better rapidly. Fortunately on Wednesday night theysucceeded in turning me over; for my poor elbows, having lost all theirskin, were completely used up. Now, if I go slowly and carefully, I canturn myself at the cost of some little suffering.... 

Yesterday Colonel Steadman, of the First Alabama, called with hisfather. He sent me many messages of condolence, and the ratherunpleasant advice to be cupped and scarified. His profession was thatof a physician before he became colonel. His surgeon, whose name isMadding, told him he was satisfied that I was seriously injured, thoughI had not complained. The Colonel is the same who called when we werein Clinton. They readily accepted our invitation to dinner, andremained until late in the afternoon, when Captain Bradford came in. More messages of condolence and sympathy upstairs, which produced novisible effect on my spine, though very comforting to the spirit. 

 November 16th. 

I was interrupted yesterday morning by Mrs. Badger, who wished to applya few dry cups to my back, to which I quietly submitted, and was unableto move afterwards without pain, as a reward for my patience. Buttowards sunset came two dear letters that made me forget what I hadsuffered, one from George, and one from Jimmy, dated Bermudas. For thefirst time I know what my dear little brother suffered during thoselong months when we could not hear if he were dead or alive. He keptthe secret until he no longer needed either friends or money; and nowhe tells it with a simplicity that made me cry fit to break my heartwhen I was left alone in the twilight with no one to see.... Georgecomforts me with hopes of Peace, and a speedy return. If it could onlybe!... 

This morning the boom of Yankee guns reached my ears; a sound I hadhoped never to hear again. It is only those poor devils (I can affordto pity them in their fallen state) banging away at some treasonablesugar-houses that are disobedient enough to grind cane on the otherside of the river. I hear that one is at Mrs. Cain's. The sound made myheart throb. What if the fight should come off before I can walk? Ittakes three people to raise me whenever it is necessary for me to move;I am worse than helpless. 

 Tuesday, November 18th. 

A note just came from mother, telling me that the most awful Yankeeswere coming to burn Linwood and take Port Hudson, and so this evening Imust walk down to the cars with a chair to rest in until they came, andmust certainly be in Clinton to-night. Delightful arrangement! I wroteto ask if she knew that my legs were of no more service to me than toher? Dr. Dortch has again been murdering me ... Says perhaps I canstand by Sunday. If the Yankees come before--

 Friday night, November 21st. 

Lying on my face, as it were, with my poor elbows for a support, I tryto pass away these lonely hours. For with the exception of old Mrs. Carter, who is downstairs, and the General, who is elsewhere, Anna andI are the only white people on the place. The cause of this heartlessdesertion is a grand display of _tableaux vivants_ at Jackson, forthe benefit of the Soldiers' Hospital, and of course it would be sinfulto stay away, particularly as Anna is a great deal better, and I needno care.... 

 Thursday, December 4th. [14]

It would be only the absurd tableaux I agreed to, with plenty of fun, and nothing more. So I tried to be merry and content, and so I shouldhave been, for there was plenty to talk about, and every one was sosolicitous for my comfort; and there was Mr. Enders who would wheel mychair for me wherever I wished it, and was as kind and attentive as abrother. Surely my first trip should have been a gay one! Miriam satdown by the piano, Mr. Enders drew me by her, and we three sang untildark together. A Mr. Morse, his wife, and mother, who are spending aweek here, were our audience. The first two retired at candle-light, while the latter, present at the play the night before, remained to thelast. But while we sang, every noise at the parlor door caused us toturn with the apprehension of we hardly knew what. A dozen times Mr. Enders consulted his watch, and telegraphed his fears to me, though Ipersisted in thinking it only the fun that had been intended. 

 [14] A page is here torn from the Diary. It evidently related the beginning of an incident of which my sister and I have often heard our mother tell: how, after the Jackson tableaux, our aunt Miriam laughingly staked herself in a game of cards with Will Carter--and lost. The sequel follows, the scene at the house of his uncle, General Carter, beginning in the middle of a sentence. --W. D. 

Half-past six came, and with it, Mrs. Worley. Now, she knew better. ForDr. Dortch had come to see me, and was guiding me in my game of euchrein which I was not even as wise as my partner, Mr. Enders, when hernote came. Instantly we put down our cards, while Miriam begged him towrite and tell her the true story. He wrote and we all read it. Notonly that, but Miriam added a postscript which I think was this, wordfor word: "Mrs. Worley, it is only a bet at cards, intended as themerest joke. There is not a word of truth in it, and I will consider itthe greatest favor if you will contradict the report whenever you mayhear it!" Explicit enough, one would think; but still she came, andsent word into the parlor that one of the ladies present when Will madethe announcement had sent her contribution to the evening's fun. Itturned out to be a complete bridal suit, worn by the lady a year ago!That was too serious a jest. Miriam went into the other room to speakto Mrs. Worley, who, cold as an icicle, refused to receive or makeexplanation, beyond "I won't kiss you; this is too cruel. " There wasnothing to do; she returned laughing, but certainly feeling herself theinjured one, and so she was. 

In fifteen minutes, another stir. I held my breath with expectation. Lydia introduced--Mr. G----. Ten miles he had ridden through mud andwater that freezing evening, at Will Carter's request, to perform theceremony between him and Miriam. Lydia laughed until she could hardlyintroduce him. He, hat in hand, bowed around the convulsed circle witha countenance shining with the most sublimely vacant expression. O thatman's idiotic face, and solemn, portentous look, brought a writhe evento my trembling lips! Mr. Enders would have given one an excellent ideaof the effect produced by a real old piney-woods chill; he shook aswith suppressed laughter. But when the tremendous preacher (tremendousbecause composed of gigantic Nothing) turned his lugubrious facetowards Mrs. Morse, and addressed her as Mrs. Morgan under theimpression that she had come down to see her daughter married, Miriam'srisibles could no longer stand it, and she flew from the room in timeto avoid a disgraceful explosion. 

I was growing frightened. Mr. Enders was leaning over my chair, andinvoluntarily it burst from me with a groan, "For God's sake, help mesave her!" "Hush! Lie back in your chair! I will!" he whispered. "Butfor the love of Heaven, save my sister!" "I'll do what you will, if youwill only keep still and not hurt yourself. I'll do my best. " It wasall whispered, that the minister and Mrs. Morse might not hear. "If itwere your sister, what would you do?" "My God! I'd meet him on thefront gallery and kick him out! Then I'd know one of us must dieto-morrow!" "But under the circumstances it is impossible for Gibbes toact!" I urged, while we agreed that it was the most unwarrantable pieceof insolence ever perpetrated. While we talked, Gibbes had seizedMiriam and, without interfering or advising further, advised her tokeep her room and not meet Will. 

But I skipped the most important part. She came back when she hadrecovered her composure, and sat by me. Mr. Enders, when I asked whatwas best to do, whispered that to spare Will's feelings, and avoid amost painful scene, as well as to show that she had no seriousintentions whatever, she should see that the minister was put in fullpossession of the facts before it went any farther. He felt keenly hisunpleasant situation, and it was only our earnest request that inducedhim to remain, or give his advice. Who should explain? Certainly notthe General. He thought the joke carried too far, and retired to hisroom before Mr. G---- came. How take part against his own nephew? NotGibbes either, for he had gone upstairs too worried and annoyed to talkto any one; besides, it was his wife's cousin. Who then? Miriam is onewoman in a thousand. Rising, she crossed the room slowly and asdignified as though she only meant to warm herself. I think I see herbefore me now, as she stood before the fire, facing Mr. G----, lookingso handsome and stylish in her black grenadine with the pale-greentrimming, telling her story. Plainly, earnestly, distinctly, withouthurry or embarrassment, in the neatest, prettiest, most admirablespeech I ever heard, she told everything just as it was. Bravo forMiriam! There lives not the woman in this State who could do so painfula thing in such a beautiful way. I felt like hugging her. Oh, it wasmagnificent! He heard her in surprise, but when once satisfied of itstruth, he said, "Well, Miss Morgan, when you stand on the floor, when Iask if you will, it is your privilege to answer, 'No. '" Miriam is notone to do so cruel a thing; she is too noble to deceive him so far andwound him so cruelly before all, when he believed himself so nearhappiness. She said that it was mockery, she would not suffer him tobelieve for an instant that she meant to marry him; if he believed it, he was deceiving himself wilfully, for he already knew that she hadtold him it could never be. He agreed to take it only as a jest, promised that he would not feel hurt; and with the most admirable tact, Miriam, the trump (I have been playing euchre, excuse me), settled theminister, and the wedding, by her splendid behavior, with no trouble. 

A rapid step was heard in the hall; the bridegroom had come! I know hemust have killed his horse. He certainly did not leave his house beforeone o'clock; it is twenty miles by the road to Clinton; he went there, procured his license, and was here at seven, in full costume. Hebounded upstairs to meet the bride-elect. 

I can fancy him going to Clinton, doubting, fearing, believing againstall evidence, yet trembling; securing the license at last, persuadinghimself that she would not dare refuse when the deeds were recorded incourt, and he held them in his hand;--and very few women would havebeen brave enough, too; he did not know My Miriam! I can fancy the poorhorse lashed through the heavy mire, tired, foaming, panting, while hisstrong arm urged it on, with whip and spur; I can hear the exultingbeating of his heart, that wild refrain that was raging as hisdeath-knell--"Mine! Mine at last!" I could hear it, I say. It rung inmy ears all night. He held her in his power; she must be his; hastily, yet carefully he performs his toilet; I dare say he stopped to thinkwhich cravat she liked best. "Mine! Mine!" the song is ringing in everystroke of his throbbing breast. Mount! Mount! Two miles fly past. Hesweeps through the moonlight like Death riding on a pale horse; yondershine lights in the parlor; and that above; is it hers? He throwshimself from his horse; his hour has come, hers too; with the licenseand minister, his own adoration--and she must love him too!--he willwin! Show him the way to her! She is his forever now! His? My God! hadI not reason to cry, "In God's name, save her, Frank!" He reaches Mrs. Carter's room, and triumphantly throws the license on her table. He isready now; where is his bride?

Some one meets him. "Will!"

The story is told; she is not to be won by force; she has appealed tothe minister; he has carried the jest too far. The strong man reels; hefalls on the bed in his bridal array in agony too great for tears. Idare not ask what followed; they tell me it was awful. What madness andfolly, to dream of forcing her to marry him! Why, if she had loved him, the high-handed proceeding would have roused the lion of her spirit! Heis no mate for her. He has but one thought, and at last words come. "Miriam! Miriam! Call her, for the love of God!" One word! one look!Oh, she will take pity on him in his misery. Let her come for oneinstant! she cannot be so cruel! she will marry him if only to save himfrom death, or worse! And fortunate it was that he was not armed, oneof the two would have died; perhaps both. The heartbroken prayer goeson. The exulting "Mine! Mine!" has changed to the groan of despair, "Miriam! for the love of God! come to me!"

And where is the bride? Gibbes has her caged in the next room, this onewhere I am now lying. He has advised her not to appear; to go to bedand say no more. Sent to bed like a baby on her wedding night! She saysthat she laughed aloud when the door closed on her. She laughing inhere, he groaning in there, it is to be hoped they each drowned thevoice of the other.... The minister said good-night. He disclaimed allfeeling of pique; he felt chiefly for the young lady--and thedisappointed groom. (Ouf!) I sent to ask Will to come to me alone for amoment; no, he could not see me; write to him. 

Slowly, as though an aged, infirm, tottering man, we heard himdescending the steps. How different from the step that carried him up!We, conscience-stricken, sat within, with doors closed. He was off. Hehas again mounted his horse, and the broken-hearted man, hardly lesscruel than the expectant bridegroom, dashes the rowel in his side anddisappears like a whirlwind. 

 * * * * *

I can fancy mother's and Lilly's agony, when they hear of the wedding. All Clinton knew it last night, and if they did, too, I know there wasas little sleep for them as for us. I know mother shrieked, "My child!My child!" while Lilly cried. How could he believe she meant to marryhim, without even sending word to mother when he was going to the verytown? Bah! What a jolly go if those two got hysterics about thesupposed Moral Suicide! Glad I was not at the tea-party! Well, fearingthe effect of such a shock in mother's nervous state, Gibbes advisedMiriam to go on the cars this evening, and convince her that it had notoccurred, court records and licenses and minister to the contrarynotwithstanding; so my duck, my angel, she whom I call my Peri with thesinged wings (children who play in the fire must expect to be burned), set off on her pious errand, without the protecting arm of herbridegroom. 

 Sunday, 7th December. 

I have had a shock! While writing alone here (almost all have gone tochurch), I heard a step ascending the stair. What, I asked, if itshould be Will? Then I blamed myself for supposing such a thingpossible. Slowly it came nearer and nearer, I raised my head, and wasgreeted with a ghastly smile. I held out my hand. "Will!" "Sarah!"(Misery discards ceremony. ) He stood before me the most woebegone, heartbroken man I ever saw. 

With a forced laugh he said, "Where is my bride? Pshaw! I know she hasgone to Clinton! I have come to talk to _you_. Wasn't it a merrywedding?" The hollow laugh rang again. I tried to jest, but failed. "Sit down and let me talk to you, " I said. He was in a wayward humor;cut to the heart, ready to submit to a touch of silk, or to resist agrasp of iron. This was the man I had to deal with, and get from himsomething he clung to as to--not his life, but--Miriam. And I know solittle how to act in such a case, know so little about dealing gentlywith wild natures!

He alarmed me at first. His forced laugh ceased; he said that he meantto keep that license always. It was a joke on him yesterday, but withthat in his possession, the tables would be turned on her. He wouldshow it to her occasionally. It should keep her from marrying any oneelse. I said that it would be demanded, though; he must deliver it. Thevery devil shot in his eye as he exclaimed fiercely, "If any one daresdemand it, I'll die before giving it up! If God Almighty came, I'd sayno! I'll die with it first!" O merciful Father, I thought; what miseryis to come of this jest. He must relinquish it. Gibbes will force himinto it, or die in the attempt; George would come from Virginia.... Jimmy would cross the seas.... And I was alone in here to deal withsuch a spirit!

I commenced gently. Would he do Miriam such a wrong? It was no wrong, he said; let him follow his own will. "You profess to love her?" Iasked. "Profess? Great God! how can you? I adore her! I tell you that, in spite of all this, I love her not more--that is impossible, --but asmuch as ever! Look at my face and ask that!" burst from him with thewildest impulse. "Very well. This girl you _love_, then, you mean tomake miserable. You stand forever between her and her happiness, because you love her! Is this love?" He was sullenly silent. I went on:"Not only her happiness, but her honor is concerned. You who love herso, do her this foul injury. " "Would it affect her reputation?" heasked. "Ask yourself! Is it quite right that you should hold in yourhands the evidence that she is Mrs. Carter, when you know she is not, and never will be? Is it quite honorable?" "In God's name, would itinjure Miriam? I'd rather die than grieve her. "

My iron was melted, but too hot to handle; I put it on one side, satisfied that I and I only had saved Miriam from injury and threebrothers from bloodshed, by using his insane love as a lever. It doesnot look as hard here as it was in reality; but it was of the hardeststruggles I ever had--indeed, it was desperate. I had touched the rightkey, and satisfied of success, turned the subject to let him believe hewas following his own suggestions. When I told him he must free Miriamfrom all blame, that I had encouraged the jest against her repeatedremonstrances, and was alone to blame, he generously took it onhimself. "I was so crazy about her, " he said, "that I would have doneit anyhow. I would have run any risk for the faintest chance ofobtaining her"; and much more to the same purpose that, though verygenerous in him, did not satisfy my conscience. But he surprised me bysaying that he was satisfied that if I had been in my room, and he hadwalked into the parlor with the license, she would have married him. What infatuation! He says, though, that I only prevented it; that myinfluence, by my mere presence, is stronger than his words. I don't saythat is so; but if I helped save her, thank Heaven!

It is impossible to say one half that passed, but he showed me hisdetermination to act just as he has heretofore, and take it all as ajoke, that no blame might be attached to her. "Besides, I'd rather diethan not see her; I laugh, but you don't know what I suffer!" Poorfellow! I saw it in his swimming eyes. 

At last he got up to go before they returned from church. "Beg her tomeet me as she always has. I told Mrs. Worley that she must treat herjust the same, because I love her so. And--say I go to Clintonto-morrow to have that record effaced, and deliver up the license. Iwould not grieve her; indeed, I love her too well. " His voice trembledas well as his lips. He took my hand, saying, "You are hard on me. Icould make her happy, I know, because I worship her so. I have beencrazy about her for three years; you can't call it a mere fancy. Whyare you against me? But God bless you! Good-bye!" And he was gone. 

Why? O Will, because I love my sister too much to see her miserablemerely to make you happy!

 Friday, 12th December. 

My cripple friend that I mentioned so far back continues to send me themost affecting messages. "He is really wretched about me; never wasmore distressed; thinks of nothing else"; and so on through the wholelist. To cap the climax, he sends me word that he can now walk oncrutches, and the first time he can venture in a buggy, means to callon me. _Que le ciel m'en préserve!_ What could we talk about? "His'n"and "her'n" several misfortunes? That's too bad! Every one teases meunmercifully about my new conquest. I can't help but be amused; andyet, beware, young girls, of expressing sympathy, even for soldiers!There is no knowing what effect it may produce. 

 Sunday, December 14th. 

Yesterday evening, some time before sunset, Mr. Enders was announced, to our great surprise, as we knew he had been in Clinton all the week, having been transferred there instead of to Jackson, as he threatened. He was the most miserable, unhappy creature one could possibly imagine;even too melancholy for me to laugh at him, which expresses the lastdegree of wretchedness. To all our questions, he had but one answer, that he had had the most dreadful attack of "blues" ever since he washere Sunday; that he had waited every evening at the cars, expectingus, and at last, seeing that we had no intention of coming, he could nolonger stand the temptation, so got permission to come down for a dayto Port Hudson so he could come out to see us.... Before we couldfairly get him cheerful, Will Carter and Ned Badger, who returned onlythis week from Kentucky, entered. Will was in a bad humor, and wantedto vent it on us; so after waiting some time, he proposed that the twoyoung men should go with him, pocketing at the same moment the cardswhich had won Miriam and saying they would have a nice game together, and just the rarest old whiskey! He looked around to see the effectproduced. We girls did not move, but Mr. Enders said he must reallyreturn immediately to Port Hudson, and start for Clinton from there inthe night. Will thought it would be such a triumph over us to carry himoff, that he insisted. They'd have a fine time! cure the blues! etc. Ned was more than willing; and at last Mr. Enders said, Well! he feltjust so desperate that he did not care what he did; he believed hewould go. I saw he was in a reckless humor, and that Will knew it, too, and I promised to make at least an effort to save him. 

Miriam spoke to him apart, but he said he had promised now; he must go. Will ran down triumphant to mount his horse, calling him to follow. Allran out to see him off, when Frank came back to tell me good-bye. Iseized the opportunity, and didn't I plead! I told him I would not askhim to stay here, though he knew we would be happy to have him stay;and begged him to go back to the camp, and leave Will alone.... Isuggested other resources; talked of his mother whom he idolizes, pleaded like a grandmother; and just as I wound up, came Will's voicefrom below, "Why the devil don't you come, Enders? Hurry!" He moved astep, looked at me; I dropped my head without a word. Here I mustconfess to the most consummate piece of acting; I am sorry, but as longas it saved him from doing what I knew he would have cause to regret, Iam not ashamed of having tried it. Will called impatiently again, as hestood hesitating before me; I did not say, "Stay, " I just gave thefaintest sigh imaginable.... He went down and told Will he would notgo! Of course, Will went off in a rage with us. 

 Friday, December 26th, 1862. 

Monday Dr. Woods and Mr. Van Ingen stopped, just from their regiment inKentucky and on their way home, and I begged so hard to see the Doctor, and promised so faithfully to retire if I suffered too much, that Mrs. Badger yielded, like an angel, and I carried my point. The Doctor! Welooked in vain at each other; I for my dandy friend in irreproachablebroadcloth, immaculate shirt bosoms and perfect boots; he for thebrusque, impulsive girl who in ordinary circumstances would have rundancing into the parlor, would have given him half-glad, half-indifferent greeting, and then found either occasion to laugh athim or would have turned elsewhere for amusement. We looked, I say, invain. Before me stood my pattern of neatness in a rough uniform ofbrown homespun. A dark flannel shirt replaced the snowy cambric one, and there was neither cravat nor collar to mark the boundary linebetween his dark face and the still darker material. And the dearlittle boots! O ye gods and little fishes! they were clumsy, andmud-spattered! If my mouth twitched with laughter as I silentlycommented, the Doctor's did not! I, who always danced on my way, camein lying back on my pillows, and wheeled in by a servant. The Doctor'ssympathy was really touching, and poor consolation he gave when heheard the story. "You will recover, to a certain extent; but will feelit more or less all your life. "

 * * * * *

I am the ruin of all these puns; the gentlemen will hate me; I mustlearn to ignore their conundrums until they answer them themselves, andto wait patiently for the pun instead of catching it and laughingbefore it is half-spoken. Why can't I do as the others do? There wasMr. Van Ingen with his constant stream of them, that I anticipatedseveral times. He said to me, "If I were asked what town in Louisiana Iwould rather be in this evening, what would my answer be?" I shouldhave looked perfectly innocent, and politely inquisitive; but I didneither. I saw the answer instantly, and laughed. "Ah, you haveguessed! I can see it in your eyes!" he said. Of course I had, but Itold him I was afraid to say it, for fear he might think I wasflattering myself. Then we both laughed. The place he referred to was_Bayou, Sarah_.... 

Yesterday, being a beautiful day, I was carried down in honor ofChristmas, to meet Captain Fenner and Mr. Duggan who were to dine withus. The cars had brought Miriam a beautiful little set of collars andcuffs from Dellie, and the oddest, sweetest little set for me, fromMorgan, for our Christmas gift. It is all Lilly.... 

We had an exquisite Christmas gift the night before, a magnificentserenade, a compliment from Colonel Breaux. It very singularly happenedthat Miriam, Anna, and Ned Badger were sitting up in the parlor, watching alone for Christmas, when the band burst forth at the steps, and startled them into a stampede upstairs. But Gibbes, who came withthe serenaders, caught them and brought them back into the parlor, where there were only _eight_ gentlemen; and in this novel, unheard-ofstyle, only these two girls, with Gibbes to play propriety, entertainedall these people at midnight while the band played without.... 

I commenced writing to-day expressly to speak of our pleasantChristmas; yet it seems as though I would write about anything exceptthat, since I have not come to it yet. Perhaps it is because I feel Icould not do it justice. At least, I can say who was there. At sunsetcame Captain Bradford and Mr. Conn, the first stalking in with all theassurance which a handsome face and fine person can lend, the secondfollowing with all the timidity of a first appearance.... Again, aftera long pause, the door swung open, and enter Mr. Halsey, who bows andtakes the seat on the other side of me, and Mr. Bradford, of ColonelAllen memory, once more returned to his regiment, who laughs, shakeshands all around, and looks as happy as a schoolboy just come home forthe holidays, who has never-ending visions of plumcakes, puddings, andother sweet things. While all goes on merrily, another rap comes, andenter Santa Claus, dressed in the old uniform of the Mexican War, witha tremendous cocked hat, and preposterous beard of false hair, whicheffectually conceal the face, and but for the mass of tangled shortcurls no one could guess that the individual was Bud. It was a deviceof the General's, which took us all by surprise. Santa Claus passesslowly around the circle, and pausing before each lady, draws from hisbasket a cake which he presents with a bow, while to each gentleman hepresents a wineglass replenished from a most suspicious-looking blackbottle which also reposes there. Leaving us all wonder and laughter, Santa Claus retires with a basket much lighter than it had been at hisentrance.... Then follow refreshments, and more and more talk andlaughter, until the clock strikes twelve, when all these ghosts bid ahearty good-night and retire. 

 January 1st, Thursday, 1863. 

1863! Why I have hardly become accustomed to writing '62 yet! Where hasthis year gone? With all its troubles and anxieties, it is the shortestI ever spent! '61 and '62 together would hardly seem three hundred andsixty-five days to me. Well, let time fly. Every hour brings us nearerour freedom, and we are two years nearer peace now than we were whenSouth Carolina seceded. That is _one_ consolation.... 

I learn, to my unspeakable grief, that the State House is burned down. 

 Sunday, January 4th. 

One just from Baton Rouge tells us that my presentiment about our houseis verified; Yankees do inhabit it, a Yankee colonel and his wife. Theysay they look strangely at home on our front gallery, pacing up anddown.... And a stranger and a Yankee occupies our father's place at thetable where he presided for thirty-one years.... And the old lamp thatlighted up so many eager, laughing faces around the dear old tablenight after night; that with its great beaming eye watched us one byone as we grew up and left our home; that witnessed every parting andevery meeting; by which we sang, read, talked, danced, and made merry;the lamp that Hal asked for as soon as he beheld the glitteringchandeliers of the new innovation, gas; the lamp that all agreed shouldgo to me among other treasures, and be cased in glass to commemoratethe old days, --our old lamp has passed into the hands of strangers whoneither know nor care for its history. And mother's bed (which, withthe table and father's little ebony stand, alone remained uninjured)belongs now to a Yankee woman! Father prized his ebony table. He saidhe meant to have a gold plate placed in its centre, with aninscription, and I meant to have it done myself when he died so soonafter. A Yankee now sips his tea over it, just where some beau orbeauty of the days of Charles II may have rested a laced sleeve ordimpled arm.... [15]

 [15] This "little ebony table"--which happened to be mahogany so darkened with age as to be recognized only by an expert many years after the war--and a mahogany rocking-chair are the two pieces of furniture which survived the sacking of Judge Morgan's house and remain to his descendants to-day. Such other furniture as could be utilized was appropriated by negroes. --W. D. 

Give the devil his due. Bless Yankees for one thing; they say theytried hard to save our State House. 

[Illustration: ANTE-BELLUM HOME OF JUDGE THOMAS GIBBES MORGAN, ONCHURCH STREET, BATON ROUGE, LA. ]

BOOK IV

 From my sick bed, this 15th day of January, 1863. LINWOOD, Thursday. 

Am I not glad to get another blank book! On Sunday my old one gave out, to my unspeakable distress, and I would have been _désolée_ if I hadnot had three or four letters to answer, as writing is my chiefoccupation during my tedious illness. O that unfortunate trip to PortHudson! Have I not cause to remember and regret it? Two months lastSunday since I have been lying here a cripple, and I am not yet able totake a step. However, on Monday mother sent Dr. Woods as my fourthphysician, and I have made up my mind that either he or Nature willeffect a cure before long. Wonder how it feels to walk? It makes meweary to see others try it; I always fear that the exertion must bevery painful--an absurd idea which I endeavor to keep to myself.... 

 Monday, January 19th. 

That blessed Mr. Halsey like an angel of mercy sent me "Kate Coventry"yesterday, just when I was pining for a _bonne bouche_ of some kind, Idid not care what, whether a stick of candy or an equally palatablebook. It is delightful to have one's wishes realized as soon as theyare made. I think it rather caused me to relent towards Mr. Halsey; Idid not feel half so belligerent as I did just the Sunday before. Atall events, _I felt well enough to go down in the evening when hecalled again_, though I had been too indisposed to do so on a previousoccasion. (O Sarah!)

Wheeled into the parlor, there I beheld not my friend alone, butseveral other individuals whose presence rather startled me. I foundmyself undergoing the terrors of an introduction to a Colonel Locke, and to my unspeakable surprise, Major Buckner was claiming theprivilege of shaking hands with me, and Colonel Steadman was on theother side, and--_was_ that Mr. Halsey? O never! The Mr. Halsey I knewwas shockingly careless of his dress, never had his hair smooth; lethis beard grow as it would, and wore a most ferocious slouched hat. This one had taken more than one look at the glass, a thing I shouldhave imagined the other incapable of doing. He had bestowed thegreatest care and attention on his dress, had brought his beard withinreasonable limits, had combed his hair with the greatest precision, andheld lightly in one hand an elegant little cap that I am sure must beprovokingly becoming. Why, he was handsome! _Ah ça_! some mistake, surely, I cried to myself. _My_ Mr. Halsey was not, certainly! "If itbe I, as I hope it may be, I've a little dog at home who will surelyknow me, " I kept repeating. I resolved to test the little dog'ssagacity, so I pretended to know this apparition, and thanked him forthe pleasure he had afforded me by sending me "Kate Coventry. " Helooked conscious and pleased! The "little dog" had found out hisidentity! I was more puzzled than ever. How account for this wondrouschange?... But metamorphosed "John" talked! He was expatiating at amost extraordinary rate, and had been doing so for an hour aftersupper, when Gibbes drew his chair near me (Gibbes likes to hear whatvisitors say to his little sister); whereupon timid Mr. Halsey drew hisslightly back, and very soon after asked for his horse. O Gibbes! youwretch! what an amusing tête-à-tête you spoiled, you innocent! And theGeneral, of course, only waited for his exit before beginning to teaseme unmercifully. I must put an end to this; they shall not bring suchunjust charges against him. Yet how am I to make them see reason?

 NIGHT. 

I am more pleased to-night than I could well express. I have beentalking to an old and dear friend, no other than Will Pinckney! Hisarrival was as unexpected as it was agreeable. The cry of "Here comesWill Pinckney" sent me back to August, '60, when the words were alwaysthe forerunner of fun and frolic.... He told me what he called hissecrets; of how he had been treated by the War Department (which has, indeed, behaved shockingly towards the Colonel). 

 Thursday, 22d January. 

What a rush of visitors last night! One would imagine they had all comeby appointment, expressly to have an impromptu dance, which theycertainly enjoyed, by the way. There was little Captain C----, theSusceptible and Simple, who so innocently says "I seen" and "I doneit, " without the faintest suspicion of the peculiarity, and looks sosweet, and guileless, and amiable, and soft, that I can't helpwondering if he would be sticky if I touch him. Indeed, I think hishands stick, at least; for when he told me good-bye, it was with thegreatest difficulty that I extracted mine from his grasp (he havingforgotten to return it during a long farewell address), and even when Isucceeded in recovering it, by being almost rude, it was not releasedwithout a _very_ sensible pressure from the _putty_, or whatever it isthat is so tenacious. I am afraid it is rather a habit of his, whichhas lost all force or meaning by being too frequently repeated. Thenthere was a horrid little wretch, vulgar and underbred (to my idea), towhom I was introduced as Mr. G----.... But here is Lieutenant Dupré, whom I have not yet introduced, though we have met before. Tall, good-looking, a fine form, and not a sparkling face, I am inclined tobelieve that his chief merit lies in his legs. Certainly when he danceshe puts his best foot forward, and knows it, too. Miriam, who adoresdancing, is flirting openly with this divinity of the "Deux Temps" andpolka, and skims around with his arm about her (position sanctified bythe lively air Lydia is dashing off on the piano) with a grace andlightness only equaled by his own. And Lieutenant Duggan, with hisgood, honest, clever face which so unmistakably proclaims him "Tom, " weknow already, so no further description is needed. Captain Fenner, too, is well known, with his short, though graceful figure, hisgood-humored, intelligent face, irresistible imperial, and that roguishexpression about that large mouth which displays such handsome teeth, and seems to say, "Don't trust me too far. "

Little Captain C---- tells me a long story about how Colonel Steadmanhad come to him and asked if he believed it possible that Miss Morganhad put her life and happiness in the hands of a homoeopathicphysician; how he considered her fate sealed; and what a shame it wasto trifle with such a sad affair, at my age, too, ruined for life! Itwas dreadful! Too sad! Hereupon, as continuing the story, he remarksthat being asked his opinion by the Colonel, he agreed perfectly andthought with him it was an appalling sacrifice, and oh, all sorts ofthings! Anything, just to make me miserable and unhappy!

Well, what is written will come to pass. First comes a doctor with abutchering apparatus who cups and bleeds me unmercifully, says I'llwalk ten days after, and exit. Enter another. Croton oil and strychninepills, that'll set me up in two weeks. And exit. Enter a third. Soundsmy bones and pinches them from my head to my heels. Tells of theprobability of a splinter of bone knocked off my left hip, thepossibility of paralysis in the leg, the certainty of a seriouslyinjured spine, and the necessity for the most violent counter-irritants. Follow blisters which sicken even disinterested people to look at, anda trifle of suffering which I come very near acknowledging to myself. Enter the fourth. Inhuman butchery! wonder they did not kill you! Takethree drops a day out of this tiny bottle, and presto! in two weeks youare walking! A fifth, in the character of a friend, says, "My dearyoung lady, if you do, your case is hopeless. " What wonder that I ampuzzled? A wiser head would be confused. I want to believe all, but howis it possible? "What will be, will be. "

 * * * * *

_Bon_! here comes a note from Mr. Halsey! _Ah ça!_ Lend him "Zaidee"?Certainly! Here is a postscript three times the length of the note;_voyons_. Will Miss Sarah make the annotations he requested, in "KateCoventry"? He is anxious to have the lady's opinion on the questions oftaste and propriety which so frequently occur in the book.... I'll notattempt such a display; yet there are several passages I am dying tomark. One in particular, speaking of the peculiarities of men, of howthey are always more at ease when they have their hands employed, drawing confidence and conversation from a paper-knife and book totumble, a pair of scissors and a thread to snip, or even from imbibingthe head of a cane, I am anxious to call his attention to. If I daredadd to the list, "or a cord and tassel to play with"! This nervous Mr. Halsey is wearing out my pretty blue tassel that Frank admires so much;he says he can talk better when he dangles it. Think the hint mightsave it in the future!

 Friday night, January 23d. 

I am particularly happy to-day, for we have just heard from Brother forthe first time since last July. And he is well, and happy, and wants usto come to him in New Orleans so he can take care of us, and no longerbe so anxious for our safety. If we only could!--To be sure the letteris from a gentleman who is just out of the city, who says he writes atBrother's earnest request; still it is something to hear, evenindirectly. One hundred and fifty dollars he encloses with the requestthat mother will draw for any amount she wishes. Dear Brother, money isthe least thing we need; first of all, we are dying for want of a home. If we could only see ours once more!

During this time we have heard incidentally of Brother; of his havingtaken the oath of allegiance--which I am confident he did not do untilButler's October decree--of his being a prominent Union man, of hisbeing a candidate for the Federal Congress, and of his withdrawal; andfinally of his having gone to New York and Washington, from whichplaces he only returned a few weeks since. That is all we ever heard. Avery few people have been insolent enough to say to me, "Your brotheris as good a Yankee as any. " My blood boils as I answer, "Let him bePresident Lincoln if he will, and I would love him the same. " And so Iwould. Politics cannot come between me and my father's son. What hethinks right, is right, for him, though not for me. If he is for theUnion, it is because he believes it to be in the right, and I honor himfor acting from conviction, rather than from dread of public opinion. If he were to take up the sword against us to-morrow, Miriam and I, atleast, would say, "If he thinks it his duty, he is right; we will notforget he is our father's child. " And we will not. From that sad daywhen the sun was setting for the first time on our father's grave, whenthe great, strong man sobbed in agony at the thought of what we hadlost, and taking us both on his lap put his arms around us and said, "Dear little sisters, don't cry; I will be father and brother, too, now, " he has been both. He respects our opinions, we shall respect his. I confess myself a rebel, body and soul. _Confess?_ I glory in it! Amproud of being one; would not forego the title for any other earthlyone!

Though none could regret the dismemberment of our old Union more than Idid at the time, though I acknowledge that there never was a moreunnecessary war than this in the beginning, yet once in earnest, fromthe secession of Louisiana I date my change of sentiment. I have neversince then looked back; forward, forward! is the cry; and as theFederal States sink each day in more appalling folly and disgrace, Igrow prouder still of my own country and rejoice that we can no longerbe confounded with a nation which shows so little fortitude incalamity, so little magnanimity in its hour of triumph. Yes! I am gladwe are two distinct tribes! I am proud of my country; only wish I couldfight in the ranks with our brave soldiers, to prove my enthusiasm;would think death, mutilation, glorious in such a cause; cry, "War toall eternity before we submit. " But if I can't fight, beingunfortunately a woman, which I now regret for the first time in mylife, at least I can help in other ways. What fingers can do inknitting and sewing for them, I have done with the most intensedelight; what words of encouragement and praise could accomplish, Ihave tried on more than one bold soldier boy, and not altogether invain; I have lost my home and all its dear contents for our SouthernRights, have stood on its deserted hearthstone and looked at the ruinof all I loved--without a murmur, almost glad of the sacrifice if itwould contribute its mite towards the salvation of the Confederacy. Andso it did, indirectly; for the battle of Baton Rouge which made theYankees, drunk with rage, commit outrages in our homes that civilizedIndians would blush to perpetrate, forced them to abandon the town asuntenable, whereby we were enabled to fortify Port Hudson here, whichnow defies their strength. True they have reoccupied our town; thatYankees live in our house; but if our generals said burn the wholeconcern, would I not put the torch to our home readily, though I loveits bare skeleton still? Indeed I would, though I know what it is to bewithout one. Don't Lilly and mother live in a wretched cabin in vileClinton while strangers rest under our father's roof? Yankees, I oweyou one for that!

Well! I boast myself Rebel, sing "Dixie, " shout Southern Rights, prayfor God's blessing on our cause, without ceasing, and would not live inthis country if by any possible calamity we should be conquered; I amonly a woman, and that is the way I feel. Brother may differ. Whatthen? Shall I respect, love him less? No! God bless him! Union orSecession, he is always my dear, dear Brother, and tortures could notmake me change my opinion. 

 Friday, January 30th. 

A whole week has passed since I opened this book, a week certainly notspent in idleness, if not a very interesting one. For I have kept myroom almost all the time, leaving Miriam and Anna to entertain theirguests alone. Even when Mr. Halsey called on Sunday, I declined goingdown. Why, I wonder? I felt better than usual, was in a splendid humorfor talking, yet--my excuses took my place, and I lay quietly in bed, dreaming by the firelight, and singing hymns to myself. Once in a whilethe thought would occur to me, "Why don't I go down?" But it was alwaysanswered with a wry face, and the hymn went on. Yet I knew he had comeexpecting to see me. 

On the table near me stood a bunch of snowdrops that Miriam had culledfor her _beloved_ Captain Bradford. An idea struck me so suddenly thatmy voice died instantly. The spirit of mischief had taken possession ofme. Laughing to myself, I caught them up, drew three long bright hairsfrom my head--they looked right gold-y in the firelight--and tied themaround the flowers--I thought I should never get to the end whilewrapping them. Thus secured, a servant carried them into the parlorwith "Miss Sarah's compliments to Mr. Halsey. " Poor Miriam's cry ofsurprise at finding her flowers thus appropriated, reached my ears andcaused me to laugh again. It _was_ rather cool! But then it was betterfun than going down. And then didn't it flatter his vanity! O men! youvain creatures! A woman would receive a whole bunch of hair and fortythousand bouquets, without having her head turned; while you--Well! Iheard enough from Miriam to amuse me, at all events. 

And a day or two after, Captain Bradford had a long story to tellher--what he called a good joke on Mr. Halsey. Of how he had found himkissing three long bright hairs in rapture, and on asking where he gotthem, received as an answer--"From the God-_blessedest_ little angelthat ever wore long hair!" This _blessedest_ little angel did notintend it as a souvenir, and is consequently annoyed about stories ofthree hairs, intended as a string and nothing more, being wrapped intissue paper and treasured up--so goes the tale--instead of beingthrown into the fire as I certainly expected. 

 * * * * *

Last night Anna and Miriam sat on my bed at twilight, playing cardswhile I tried my guitar, when Captain C----, Major Spratley, andLieutenant Dupré were announced. Quick, down went the cards as theysprang to their feet to throw off their neat calicoes. Where wasMiriam's comb, and grenadine, and collar, and belt? Good gracious!where was her buckle? On the bureau, mantel, washstand, or under them?"Please move a moment, Anna!" In such a hurry, do! There was Anna, "Wait! I'm in a hurry, too! Where is that pomatum? You Malvina! if youdon't help me, I'll--There! take that, Miss! Now fly around!" Malvina, with a faint, dingy pink suddenly brought out on her pale sea-greenface, did fly around, while I, hushing my guitar in the tumult, watcheach running over the other, in silent amazement, wondering if ordercan come out of such confusion, and if the people downstairs were worthall that trouble. 

When I finally made my appearance in the parlor, it was with theconviction that I would have a dreadfully stupid time, and CaptainC---- too. However, though at first I had both, soon only the last wasleft me. Some one suggested calling the Spirits, which game I hadimagined "played out" long ago; and we derived a great deal ofamusement from it. Six of us around a small table invoked them with theusual ceremony. There was certainly no trick played; every finger wasabove the board, and all feet sufficiently far from the single leg toinsure fair play. Every rap seemed to come exactly from the centre ofthe table, and was painfully distinct though not loud. When asked ifthere was a writing medium present, it indicated Captain C----. Iobserved that he seemed averse to trying it, but yielded at length andtook the pencil in his hand. 

Our first question, of course, was, How long before Peace? Nine monthswas written. Which foreign nation would recognize us first? France, then England, in eight months. Who was Miriam to marry? Captain of abattery. "Who?" we all shouted. "Captain C. E. Fenner"[16] was writtenagain. When? In ten months. I believe Captain C---- to be honest aboutit. He seemed to have no control over his hand, and his arm trembleduntil it became exceedingly painful. Of course, I do not actuallybelieve in Spiritualism; but there is certainly something in itone cannot understand; and Mrs. Badger's experience is enough toconvert one, alone. Each was startled in turn by extraordinaryrevelations concerning themselves. Gibbes was to be transferred to theTrans-Mississippi Department, [17] George would come home, and all thegentlemen had the name and address of future sweethearts written infull. The question was asked, "Who will Sarah Morgan fall in lovewith?" Every eye was on the pencil as a capital "H" was traced. As the"a" followed, I confess to a decided disgust at the Spirits, and wasabout to beg it might be discontinued when the rest followed rapidlyuntil in three separate lines appeared, "Has not seen him yet" (herecame an exclamation of surprise from Lydia and Miriam, who knew howtrue it was, and even Gibbes looked astonished). "Captain, in Virginia. Captain Charles Lewis. "[18] A perfect buzz of comments followed; everyone asked every one else if they knew any one by that name, and everyone said no. Gibbes was decidedly more interested than I. That odd "Hasnot seen him yet, " expressing so exactly the fact that I pride myselfupon, carried conviction in the truth of Spirits, _almost_. "Who willshe marry?" asked Gibbes. (He has a pet belief, in which I encouragehim, that I will never marry. ) Again came the name as distinctly asbefore, of Captain Charles Lewis. "When will she marry him?" "In June, 1864, " was the answer. I was to meet him in New Orleans. Novemberfollowed, after a period. 

 [16] Note by Mrs. Dawson in 1896: wrong--she married Lieutenant Dupré. 

 [17] Note by Mrs. Dawson: he was transferred in his coffin. 

 [18] Captain F. W. Dawson, whom Sarah Morgan eventually married, was at that time a captain in Virginia, and she had not yet seen him. 

Of course, the Spirits produced some slight commotion which made thetime pass pleasantly until Miriam began to waltz with her Monsieur DeuxTemps. Then Captain C---- told me why he had been unwilling to try it;of how his father believed so strongly in it that he had very nearlybeen made crazy by it, and how he had sworn to abandon the practice ofconsulting them, seeing the effect produced. He did not believe inSpirits himself; but could not account for the influence he was under, when he saw his hand involuntarily write things he was totallyunconscious of, himself. However, he proposed that we two should have aprivate consultation with them, which I opened by asking when I shouldagain see my home. I know he did not know anything about it; but on thepaper appeared--"Five months have gone--five months more. " It is _just_five months since I did see home. I think it was the 26th of Augustthat Charlie took me there. He asked if he should ever marry. "Never. You will be jilted by the lady you love in Missouri, Miss ChristinaP----. " I pointed it out to him, as he happened to be looking at mewhen it was written. It surprised him into saying, "Why, I'm engaged toher!" I asked whose spirit was communicating with us. He was watchingthe dance when his hand wrote, "John C----. " I laughed and asked ifthere was such a person, pointing to the name. He looked actually sickas he said, "Yes, my brother; he is dead. " I had not the heart to talkof Spirits again; so we took to writing poetry together, everyalternate line falling to my lot. It made an odd jingle, thesentimental first line being turned to broad farce by my absurd secondone. 

 February 5th, Thursday night. 

A letter from Lavinia has come to me all the way from California. Howhappy it made me, though written so long ago! Only the 30th of June!Lavinia has changed, changed. There is a sad, worn-out tone in everyline; it sounds old, as though she had lived years and years ago andwas writing as though she were dead and buried long since. Lavinia, whose letters used to keep me in sunshine for weeks at a time! Well! nowonder she is sad. All these dreary years from home, with so faint ahope of ever again seeing it, and all these sorrows and troubles thathave befallen us, combined, are not calculated to make her happy. But Iwish she had kept her cheerful heart. Well, perhaps it is easier for usto be cheerful and happy, knowing the full extent of our calamities, than it is for her, knowing so little and having just cause to fear somuch. Courage! Better days are coming! And then I'll have many a funnytale to tell her of the days when the Yankees kept us on the _quivive_, or made us run for our lives. It will "tell" merrily; be almostas lively as those running days were. One of my chief regrets over myhelplessness is that I will not be able to run in the next stampede. Iused to enjoy it. Oh, the days gone by, the dreary days, when, cut offfrom our own people, and surrounded by Yankees, we used to catch up anycrumb of news favorable to our side that was smuggled into town, andthe Brunots and I would write each other little dispatches ofconsolation and send them by little negroes! Those were dismal days. Yet how my spirits would rise when the long roll would beat, and wewould prepare for flight!

 Monday, February 9th, 1863. Night. 

A letter from my dear little Jimmy! How glad I am, words could notexpress. This is the first since he arrived in England, and now we knowwhat has become of him at last. While awaiting the completion of theironclad gunboat to which he has been appointed, like a trump he hasput himself to school, and studies hard, which is evident from thegreat improvement he already exhibits in his letter.... 

My delight at hearing from Jimmy is overcast by the bad news Lillysends of mother's health. I have been unhappy about her for a longwhile; her health has been wretched for three months; so bad, thatduring all my long illness she has never been with me after the thirdday. I was never separated from mother for so long before; and I amhomesick, and heartsick about her. Only twenty miles apart, and shewith a shocking bone felon in her hand and that dreadful cough, unableto come to me, whilst I am lying helpless here, as unable to get toher. I feel right desperate about it. This evening Lilly writes of herhaving chills and fevers, and looking very, _very_ badly. So Miriamstarted off instantly to see her. My poor mother! She will die if shestays in Clinton, I know she will!

 Wednesday, February 18th. 

Gibbes has gone back to his regiment. I can't say how dreary I feltwhen he came to tell me good-bye. I did not mean to cry; but how couldI help it when he put his arms around me?... 

 Sunday, February 22d, 1863. 

Mother has come to me! O how glad I was to see her this morning! Andthe Georgia project, which I dared not speak of for fear it should bemere talk and nothing more, is a reality. --Yes! we are actually going!I can hardly believe that such good fortune as getting out of thatwretched Clinton really awaits us. Perhaps I shall not like Augustaeither; a stranger in a strange city is not usually enchanted witheverything one beholds; but still--a change of scene--a newcountry--new people--it is worth while! Shall we _really_ go? Will somepage in this book actually record "Augusta, Georgia"? No! I dare notbelieve it! Yet the mere thought has given me strength within the lasttwo weeks to attempt to walk. Learning to walk at my age! Is it notamusing? But the smallest baby knows more about it than I did at first. Of course, I knew one foot was to be put before the other; but thequestion was how it was to be done when they would not go? I haveconquered that difficulty, however, and can now walk almost two yards, if some one holds me fast. 

_Sunset. _ Will [Pinckney] has this instant left. Ever since dinner hehas been vehemently opposing the Georgia move, insisting that it willcost me my life, by rendering me a confirmed cripple. He says _he_could take care of me, but no one else can, so I must not be moved. I am afraid his arguments have about shaken mother's resolution. Pshaw! it will do me good! I must go. It will not do to remain here. Twenty-seven thousand Yankees are preparing to march on Port Hudson, and this place will certainly be either occupied by them, or burned. Togo to Clinton is to throw myself in their hands, so why not one grandmove to Augusta?

 Monday, February 23d. 

Here goes! News has been received that the Yankees are already packed, ready to march against us at any hour. If I was up and well, how myheart would swell with exultation. As it is, it throbs so withexcitement that I can scarcely lie still. Hope amounts almost topresumption at Port Hudson. They are confident that our fifteenthousand can repulse twice the number. Great God!--I say it with allreverence--if we could defeat them! _If_ we could scatter, capture, annihilate them! My heart beats but one prayer--Victory! I shall growwild repeating it. In the mean time, though, Linwood is in danger. Thisdear place, my second home; its loved inhabitants; think of their beingin such peril! Oh, I shall cry heartily if harm comes to them! But Imust leave before. No use of leaving my bones for the Yankees to pick;better sing "Dixie" in Georgia. To-morrow, consequently, I go to thatearthly paradise, Clinton, thence to be re-shipped (so goes the_present_ programme) to Augusta in three days. And no time for adieux!Wonder who will be surprised, who vexed, and who will cry over theunforeseen separation? Not a single "good-bye"! Nothing--except an oldbrass button that Mr. Halsey gave me as a souvenir in case he should bekilled in the coming assault. It is too bad. Ah! Destiny! Destiny!Where do you take us? During these two trying years, I have learned tofeel myself a mere puppet in the hands of a Something that takes mehere to-day, to-morrow there, always unexpectedly, and generally veryunwillingly, but at last leads me somewhere or other, right side upwith care, after a thousand troubles and distresses. The hand ofDestiny is on me now; where will it lead me?

 Tuesday [February] 24th. 

Meeting Miriam by mere accident on the road last evening and hearing ofour surprising journey to Georgia, Mr. Halsey came to spend a lastevening with us, and say good-bye. What a deluge of regrets, hopes, fears, etc. Perfectly overwhelming. Why had I not told him of it thenight before? All our friends would be so disappointed at not having anopportunity of saying good-bye. If the Yankees would only postponetheir attack so he might accompany us! But no matter; he would come onin two months, and meet us there. And would we not write to him? Thankyou! Miriam may, but I shall hardly do so! We had such a pleasantevening together, talking over our trip. Then we had a dozen songs onthe guitar, gay, sad, and sentimental; then he gave me a sprig ofjessamine as a keepsake, and I ripped open my celebrated "running-bag"to get a real _for true_ silver five cents--a perfect curiosity inthese days--which I gave him in exchange, and which he promised to wearon his watch-chain. He and Miriam amused themselves examining thecontents of my sack and laughing at my treasures, the wretches! Thencame--good-bye. I think he was sorry to see us go. Well! he ought tomiss us! Ah! these fare-wells! To-day I bid adieu to Linwood. "It maybe for years, and it may be forever!" _This_ good-bye will cost me asigh. 

 Wednesday, February 25th. 

Here we are still, in spite of our expectations. Difficulty ondifficulty arose, and an hour before the cars came, it was settled thatmother should go to Clinton and make the necessary arrangements, andleave us to follow in a day or two. Two days more! Miriam no moreobjected than I did, so mother went alone. Poor Miriam went to bed soonafter, _very_ ill. So ill that she lay groaning in bed at dusk, when astir was heard in the hall below, and Colonel Steadman, Major Spratley, and Mr. Dupré were announced. Presto! up she sprang, and flew about inthe most frantic style, emptying the trunk on the floor to get herprettiest dress, and acting as though she had never heard of pains andgroans. When we leave, how much I shall miss the fun of seeing her andAnna running over each other in their excitement of dressing for theirfavorites. Anna's first exclamation was, "Ain't you glad you didn'tgo!" and certainly we were not sorry, from mere compassion; for whatwould she have done with all three? If I laughed at their extra touchesto their dresses, it did not prevent me from bestowing unusualattention on my own. And by way of bravado, when I was carried down, Iinsisted on Mrs. Badger lending me her arm, to let me walk into theparlor and prove to Colonel Steadman that in spite of his prophecies Iwas able to take a few steps at least. 

 * * * * *

His last words, "You _won't_ go, will you? Think once more!" sent meupstairs wondering, thinking, undecided, and unsatisfied, hardlyknowing what to do, or what to say. Every time I tried to sleep, thosecalm, deep, honest gray eyes started up before my closed ones, and thatearnest "You _won't_ go, will you? Think once more!" rang in my earslike a solemn warning. Hopes of seeing Georgia grew rather faint, thatnight. Is it lawful to risk my life? But is it not better to lose itwhile believing that I have still a chance of saving it by going, thanto await certain death calmly and unresisting in Clinton? I'd ratherdie struggling for this life, this beautiful, loved, blessed life thatGod has given me!

 March 10th, Tuesday. 

 * * * * * * * * * * *

I had so many nice things to say--which now, alas, are knocked foreverfrom my head--when news came that the Yankees were advancing on us, andwere already within fifteen miles. The panic which followed reminded meforcibly of our running days in Baton Rouge. Each one rapidly threwinto trunks all clothing worth saving, with silver and valuables, tosend to the upper plantation. I sprang up, determined to leaveinstantly for Clinton so mother would not be alarmed for our safety;but before I got halfway dressed, Helen Carter came in, and insisted onmy remaining, declaring that my sickness and inability to move wouldprove a protection to the house, and save it from being burned overtheir heads. Put on that plea, though I have no faith in melting thebowels of compassion of a Yankee, myself, I consented to remain, asMiriam urgently represented the dangers awaiting Clinton. So she tossedall we owned into our trunk to send to mother as hostage of our return, and it is now awaiting the cars. My earthly possessions are allreposing by me on the bed at this instant, consisting of my guitar, achange of clothes, running-bag, cabas, and this book. For in spite oftheir entreaties, I would not send it to Clinton, expecting thosealready there to meet with a fiery death--though I would like topreserve those of the most exciting year of my life. They tell me thatthis will be read aloud to me to torment me, but I am determined toburn it if there is any danger of that. Why, I would die without somemeans of expressing my feelings in the stirring hours so rapidlyapproaching. I shall keep it by me. 

Such bustle and confusion! Every one hurried, anxious, excited, whispering, packing trunks, sending them off; wondering negroes lookingon in amazement until ordered to mount the carts waiting at the door, which are to carry them too away. How disappointed the Yankees will beat finding only white girls instead of their dear sisters and brotherswhom they love so tenderly! Sorry for their disappointment!

"They say" they are advancing in overwhelming numbers. That is nothing, so long as God helps us, and from our very souls we pray His blessingon us in this our hour of need. For myself, I cannot yet fully believethey are coming. It would be a relief to have it over. I have taken theresponsibility of Lydia's jewelry on my shoulders, and hope to be ableto save it in the rush which will take place. Down at the cars Miriammet Frank Enders, going to Clinton in charge of a car full ofYankees, --deserters, who came into our lines. He thinks, just as I do, that our trunks are safer here than there. Now that they are all off, we all agree that it was the most foolish thing we could have done. These Yankees interfere with all our arrangements. 

I am almost ashamed to confess what an absurdly selfish thoughtoccurred to me a while ago. I was lamenting to myself all the troublesthat surround us, the dangers and difficulties that perplex us, thinking of the probable fate that might befall some of our bravefriends and defenders in Port Hudson, when I thought, too, of the funwe would miss. Horrid, was it not? But worse than that, I was longingfor something to read, when I remembered Frank told me he had sentto Alexandria for Bulwer's "Strange Story" for me, and then Iunconsciously said, "How I wish it would get here before the Yankees!"I am _very_ anxious to read it, but confess I am ashamed of havingthought of it at such a crisis. So I toss up the farthing Frank gave mefor a keepsake the other day, and say I'll try in future to think lessof my own comfort and pleasure. 

Poor Mr. Halsey! What a sad fate the pets he procures for me meet! Hestopped here just now on his way somewhere, and sent me a curiousbundle with a strange story, by Miriam. It seems he got a littleflying-squirrel for me to play with (must know my partiality for pets), and last night, while attempting to tame him, the little creature bithis finger, whereupon he naturally let him fall on the ground, (Temper!) which put a period to his existence. He had the nerve to skinhim after the foul murder, and sent all that remains of him out to meto prove his original intention. The softest, longest, prettiest fur, and such a duck of a tail! Poor little animal couldn't have been largerthan my fist. Wonder if its spirit will meet with that of the littlebird which flew heavenward with all that pink ribbon and my letter fromMr. Halsey?

 Saturday, March 14th. 5 o'clock, P. M. 

They are coming! The Yankees are coming at last! For four or five hoursthe sound of their cannon has assailed our ears. There!--that one shookmy bed! Oh, they are coming! God grant us the victory! They are nowwithin four miles of us, on the big road to Baton Rouge. On the roadfrom town to Clinton, we have been fighting since daylight atReadbridge, and have been repulsed. Fifteen gunboats have passedVicksburg, they say. It will be an awful fight. No matter! With God'shelp we'll conquer yet! Again!--the report comes nearer. Oh, they _are_coming! Coming to defeat, I pray God. 

Only we seven women remain in the house. The General left this morning, to our unspeakable relief. They would hang him, we fear, if they shouldfind him here. Mass' Gene has gone to his company; we are left alonehere to meet them. If they _will_ burn the house, they will have toburn me in it. For I cannot walk, and I know they shall not carry me. I'm resigned. If I _should_ burn, I have friends and brothers enough toavenge me. Create _such_ a consternation! Better than being thrown froma buggy--only I'd not survive to hear of it!

Letter from Lilly to-day has distressed me beyond measure. Starvationwhich threatened them seems actually at their door. With more moneythan they could use in ordinary times, they can find nothing topurchase. Not a scrap of meat in the house for a week. No pork, nopotatoes, fresh meat obtained _once_ as a favor, and poultry and flourarticles unheard of. Besides that, Tiche crippled, and Margret veryill, while Liddy has run off to the Yankees. Heaven only knows whatwill become of them. The other day we were getting ready to go to them(Thursday) when the General disapproved of my running such a risk, saying he'd call it a d---- piece of nonsense, if I asked what hethought; so we remained. They will certainly starve soon enough withoutour help; and yet--I feel we should all be together still. That lastsuperfluous word is the refrain of Gibbes's song that is ringing in myears, and that I am chanting in a kind of ecstasy of excitement:--

 "Then let the cannon boom as it will, We'll be gay and happy still!"

And we will be happy in spite of Yankee guns! Only--my dear This, That, and the Other, at Port Hudson, how I pray for your safety! God spareour brave soldiers, and lead them to victory! I write, touch my guitar, talk, pick lint, and pray so rapidly that it is hard to say which is myoccupation. I sent Frank some lint the other day, and a bundle of itfor Mr. Halsey is by me. Hope neither will need it! But to my workagain!

 Half-past One o'clock, A. M. 

It has come at last! What an awful sound! I thought I had heard abombardment before; but Baton Rouge was child's play compared to this. At half-past eleven came the first gun--at least the first _I_ heard, and I hardly think it could have commenced many moments before. Instantly I had my hand on Miriam, and at my first exclamation, Mrs. Badger and Anna answered. All three sprang to their feet to dress, while all four of us prayed aloud. Such an incessant roar! And at everyreport the house shaking so, and we thinking of our dear soldiers, thedead and dying, and crying aloud for God's blessing on them, and defeatand overthrow to their enemies. That dreadful roar! I can't think fastenough. They are too quick to be counted. We have all been in Mrs. Carter's room, from the last window of which we can see the incessantflash of the guns and the great shooting stars of flame, which must bethe hot shot of the enemy. There is a burning house in the distance, the second one we have seen to-night. For Yankees can't prosper unlessthey are pillaging honest people. Already they have stripped all ontheir road of cattle, mules, and negroes. 

Gathered in a knot within and without the window, we six women up herewatched in the faint starlight the flashes from the guns, and silentlywondered which of our friends were lying stiff and dead, and then, shuddering at the thought, betook ourselves to silent prayer. I thinkwe know what it is to "wrestle with God in prayer"; we had but onethought. Yet for women, we took it almost too coolly. No tears, nocries, no fear, though for the first five minutes everybody's teethchattered violently. Mrs. Carter had her husband in Fenner's battery, the hottest place if they are attacked by the land force, and yet to myunspeakable relief she betrayed no more emotion than we who had onlyfriends there. We know absolutely nothing; when does one ever knowanything in the country? But we presume that this is an engagementbetween our batteries and the gunboats attempting to run the blockade. 

Firing has slackened considerably. All are to lie down already dressed;but being in my nightgown from necessity, I shall go to sleep, thoughwe may expect at any instant to hear the tramp of Yankee cavalry in theyard. 

 Sunday, March 15th. 

To my unspeakable surprise, I waked up this morning and found myselfalive. Once satisfied of that, and assuring myself of intense silencein the place of the great guns which rocked me to sleep about half-pasttwo this morning, I began to doubt that I had heard any disturbance inthe night, and to believe I had written a dream within a dream, andthat no bombardment had occurred; but all corroborate my statement, soit must be true, and this portentous silence is only the calm beforethe storm. I am half afraid the land force won't attack. We can beatthem if they do; but suppose they lay siege to Port Hudson and starveus out? That is the only way they can conquer. 

We hear nothing still that is reliable. 

Just before daylight there was a terrific explosion which electrifiedevery one save myself. I was sleeping so soundly that I did not hearanything of it, though Mrs. Badger says that when she sprang up andcalled me, I talked very rationally about it, and asked what it couldpossibly be. Thought that I had ceased talking in my sleep. Miriam wasquite eloquent in her dreams before the attack, crying aloud, "See!See! What do I behold?" as though she were witnessing a rehearsal ofthe scene to follow. 

_Later. _ Dr. Kennedy has just passed through, and was within thefortifications last night; brings news which is perhaps reliable, as itwas obtained from Gardiner. It was, as we presumed, the batteries andgunboats. One we sunk; another, the Mississippi, we disabled so thatthe Yankees had to abandon and set fire to her, thirty-nine prisonersfalling into our hands. It was her magazine that exploded this morning. Two other boats succeeded in passing, though badly crippled. Ourbatteries fired gallantly. Hurrah! for Colonel Steadman! I know his wasby no means the least efficient!

Clinton, they say, will inevitably be sacked. Alas, for mother andLilly! What can we do? The whole country is at the mercy of the Yankeesas long as Gardiner keeps within the fortifications. Six miles belowhere they entered Mr. Newport's, pulled the pillow-cases from the beds, stuffed them with his clothes, and helped themselves generally. Whatcan we expect here? To tell the truth, I should be disappointed if theydid not even look in at us, on their marauding expedition. 

 March 17th. 

_On dit_ the Yankees have gone back to Baton Rouge, hearing we hadsixty thousand men coming down after them. I believe I am positivelydisappointed! I did want to see them soundly thrashed! The light wethought was another burning house was that of the Mississippi. They saythe shrieks of the men when our hot shells fell among them, and afterthey were left by their companions to burn, were perfectly appalling. 

Another letter from Lilly has distressed me beyond measure. She saysthe one chicken and two dozen eggs Miriam and I succeeded in buyingfrom the negroes by prayers and entreaties, saved them from actualhunger; and for two days they had been living on one egg apiece andsome cornbread and syrup. Great heavens! has it come to this? Nothingto be bought in that abominable place for love or money. Where the nextmeal comes from, nobody knows. 

 Wednesday, March 25th. 

Early last evening the tremendous clatter of a sword that made suchunnecessary noise that one might imagine the owner thereof had betakenhimself to the favorite pastime of his childhood, and was prancing inon his murderous weapon, having mistaken it for his war steed, announced the arrival of Captain Bradford, who with two friends came tosay adieu. Those vile Yankees have been threatening Ponchatoula, andhis battery, with a regiment of infantry, was on its way there to drivethem back. The Captain sent me word of the distressing departure, withmany assurances that he would take care of "my" John. 

Scarcely had he departed, when lo! John arrives, and speaks forhimself. Yes! he is going! Only a moment to say good-bye ... Sunsetapproaches. Well! he must say good-bye now! Chorus of young ladies:"Oh, will you not spend the evening with us? You can easily overtakethe battery later. " Chorus of married ladies: "You must not think ofgoing. Here is a comfortable room at your service, and after an earlybreakfast you can be on the road as soon as the others. " No necessityfor prayers; he readily consents. And yet, as the evening wore on, whenwe laughed loudest I could not help but think of poor little Mrs. McPhaul sitting alone and crying over her brother's departure, fancyinghis precious bones lying on the damp ground with only the soldier'sroof--the blue vault of heaven--above, while two miles away he sat in acomfortable parlor amusing himself. 

About sunrise, while the most delightful dreams floated through mybrain, a little voice roused me exclaiming, "Sady! Sady! John Hawseysay so! Say give Sady!" I opened my eyes to see little Gibbes standingby me, trying to lay some flowers on my cheek, his little facesparkling with delight at his own importance. A half-opened rosebudwith the faintest blush of pink on its creamy leaves--a pink, and apiece of arbor vitæ, all sprinkled with dew, this was my bouquet. Theservant explained that Mr. Halsey had just left, and sent me that withhis last good-bye. And he has gone! "And now there's nothing left butweeping! His face I ne'er shall see, and naught is left to me, save"--putting away my book and all recollections of nonsense. So heregoes!

 Tuesday, March 31st. 

"To be, or not to be; that's the question. " Whether 'tis nobler in theConfederacy to suffer the pangs of unappeasable hunger and never-endingtrouble, or to take passage to a Yankee port, and there remaining, endthem. Which is best? I am so near daft that I cannot pretend to say; Ionly know that I shudder at the thought of going to New Orleans, andthat my heart fails me when I think of the probable consequence tomother if I allow a mere outward sign of patriotism to overbalance whatshould be my first consideration--her health. For Clinton is growing nobetter rapidly. To be hungry is there an everyday occurrence. For tendays, mother writes, they have lived off just hominy enough to keeptheir bodies and souls from parting, without being able to procureanother article--not even a potato. Mother is not in a condition tostand such privation; day by day she grows weaker on her new regimen; Iam satisfied that two months more of danger, difficulties, perplexities, and starvation will lay her in her grave. The latteralone is enough to put a speedy end to her days. Lilly has been obligedto put her children to bed to make them forget they were supperless, and when she followed their example, could not sleep herself, for veryhunger. 

We have tried in vain to find another home in the Confederacy. Afterthree days spent in searching Augusta, Gibbes wrote that it wasimpossible to find a vacant room for us, as the city was alreadycrowded with refugees. A kind Providence must have destined thatdisappointment in order to save my life, if there is any reason forColonel Steadman's fears. We next wrote to Mobile, Brandon, and eventhat horrid little Liberty, besides making inquiries of every one wemet, while Charlie, too, was endeavoring to find a place, andeverywhere received the same answer--not a vacant room, and provisionshardly to be obtained at all. 

The question has now resolved itself to whether we shall see mother diefor want of food in Clinton, or, by sacrificing an outward show ofpatriotism (the inward sentiment cannot be changed), go with her to NewOrleans, as Brother begs in the few letters he contrives to smugglethrough. It looks simple enough. Ought not mother's life to be ourfirst consideration? Undoubtedly! But suppose we could preserve herlife and our free sentiments at the same time? If we could only find aresting-place in the Confederacy! This, though, is impossible. But togo to New Orleans; to cease singing "Dixie"; to be obliged to keep yoursentiments to yourself--for I would not wound Brother by anyUltra-Secession speech, and such could do me no good and only injurehim--_if_ he is as friendly with the Federals as they say he is; tolisten to the scurrilous abuse heaped on those fighting for our homesand liberties, among them my three brothers--could I endure it? I fearnot. Even if I did not go crazy, I would grow so restless, homesick, and miserable, that I would pray for even Clinton again. Oh, I don't, don't want to go! If mother would only go alone, and leave us withLilly! But she is as anxious to obtain Dr. Stone's advice for me as weare to secure her a comfortable home; and I won't go anywhere withoutMiriam, so we must all go together. Yet there is no disguising the factthat such a move will place us in a very doubtful position to bothfriends and enemies. However, all our friends here warmly advocate themove, and Will Pinckney and Frank both promised to knock down any onewho shrugged their shoulders and said anything about it. But what wouldthe boys say? The fear of displeasing them is my chief distress. Georgewrites in the greatest distress about my prolonged illness, and hisalarm about my condition. "Of one thing I am sure, " he writes, "andthat is that she deserves to recover; for a better little sister neverlived. " God bless him! My eyes grew right moist over those few words. Loving words bring tears to them sooner than angry ones. Would heobject to such a step when he knows that the very medicines necessaryfor my recovery are not to be procured in the whole country? Would herather have mother dead and me a cripple, in the Confederacy, than bothwell, out of it? I feel that if we go we are wrong; but I am satisfiedthat it is worse to stay. It is a distressing dilemma to be placed in, as we are certain to be blamed whichever course we pursue. But I don'twant to go to New Orleans!

Before I had time to lay down my pen this evening, General Gardiner andMajor Wilson were announced; and I had to perform a hasty toilettebefore being presentable. The first remark of the General was that myface recalled many pleasant recollections; that he had known my familyvery well, but that time was probably beyond my recollection; and hewent on talking about father and Lavinia, until I felt quitecomfortable, with this utter stranger.... I would prefer his speakingof "our" recent success at Port Hudson to "my"; for we each, man, woman, and child, feel that we share the glory of sinking the gunboatsand sending Banks back to Baton Rouge without venturing on an attack;and it seemed odd to hear any one assume the responsibility of thewhole affair and say "my success" so unconsciously. But this may be theprivilege of generals. I am no judge, as this is the first Confederategeneral I have had the pleasure of seeing. Wish it had been oldStonewall! I grow enthusiastic every time I think of the dear oldfellow!

I am indebted to General Gardiner for a great piece of kindness, though. I was telling him of how many enemies he had made among theladies by his strict regulations that now rendered it almost impossiblefor the gentlemen to obtain permission to call on them, when he told meif I would signify to my friends to mention when they applied thattheir visit was to be here, and not elsewhere, that he would answer fortheir having a pass whenever they called for one. _Merci du compliment;mais c'est trop tard, Monsieur!_

 Tuesday, April 7th. 

I believe that it is _for true_ that we are to leave for New Orleans, via Clinton and Ponchatoula, this evening. Clinton, at least, I am sureof. Lilly came down for me yesterday, and according to the presentprogramme, though I will not answer for it in an hour from now, weleave Linwood this evening, and Clinton on Thursday. I am almostindifferent about our destination; my chief anxiety is to have somedefinite plans decided on, which seems perfectly impossible from thenumber of times they are changed a day. The uncertainty is reallyaffecting my spine, and causing me to grow alarmingly thin.... 

[Illustration: JUDGE THOMAS GIBBES MORGAN]

 Wednesday, CLINTON, April 8th, 1863. 

Our last adieux are said, and Linwood is left behind, "it may be foryears, and it may be forever. " My last hours were spent lying on thesofa on the gallery, with Lydia at my feet, Helen Carter sitting on thefloor at my side, while all the rest were gathered around me as Iplayed for the _last time_ "the centre of attraction. " I grew almostlachrymose as I bid a last adieu to the bed where I have spent so manymonths, as they carried me downstairs. Wonder if it will not miss me?It must have been at least five before the cars returned. Mrs. Cartergrew quite pathetic as they approached, while poor little Lydia, withstreaming eyes and choking sobs, clung first to Miriam and then to me, as though we parted to meet only in eternity. All except her motherstarted in a run for the big gate, while I was carried to the buggythrough the group of servants gathered to say good-bye, when theGeneral drove me off rapidly. 

What a delightful sensation is motion, after five months' inaction! Thelast time I was in a vehicle was the night General Beale's ambulancebrought me to Linwood a helpless bundle, last November. It seemed to meyesterday that I could again feel the kind gentleman's arm supportingme, and his wondering, sympathetic tone as he repeated every half-mile, "Really, Miss Morgan, you are _very_ patient and uncomplaining!" Good, kind President Miller! As though all the trouble was not his, justthen! But stopping at the gate roused me from my short reverie, and Iopened my eyes to find myself stationary, and in full view of a trainof cars loaded with soldiers, literally covered with them; for theycovered the roof, as well as filled the interior, while half a dozenopen cars held them, seated one above the other in miniature pyramids, and even the engine was graced by their presence. Abashed with findingmyself confronted with so many people, my sensation became decidedlyalarming as a dozen rude voices cried, "Go on! we won't stop!" and achorus of the opposition cried, "Yes, we will!" "No!" "Yes!" they criedin turn, and as the General stood me on the ground (I would have walkedif it had been my last attempt in life), I paused irresolute, notknowing whether to advance or retreat before the storm. I must say theyare the only rude soldiers I have yet seen in Confederate uniforms. Butas I walked slowly, clinging to the General's arm, half from fear, andhalf from weakness, they ceased the unnecessary dispute, and remainedso quiet that I was more frightened still, and actually forgot to saygood-bye to Mrs. Carter and Mrs. Worley as they stood by the road. Howboth the General and I escaped being hurt as he raised me on theplatform, every one is at a loss to account for. I experienced onlywhat may be called slight pain, in comparison to what I _have_ felt;but really fear that the exertion has disabled him for to-day. It musthave been very severe. Some officers led me to my seat, Lilly, Miriam, and Anna got in, the General kissed us heartily, with damp eyes andkind wishes; the cars gave a whistle, and I put my head out of thewindow to see Mrs. Carter industriously applying white cambric to herface, which occupation she relinquished to call out last good-byes;another whistle and a jerk, and we were off, leaving her and Mrs. Worley, surrounded by children and servants, using their handkerchiefsto wipe tears and wave farewell, while the General waved his hat forgood-bye. Then green hedges rapidly changing took their place, andLinwood was out of sight before we had ceased saying and thinking, Godbless the kind hearts we had left behind. Can I ever forget thekindness we have met among them?

To see green trees and wild flowers once more, after such an illness, is a pleasure that only those long deprived of such beauties by asimilar misfortune can fully appreciate. 

It was a relief to discover that what I had thought shocking rudenessin the soldiers had not been reserved for me alone. For every time westopped, the same cry of "No waiting for slow people" was raised, varied by constant expostulations with the engine for drinking pondsdry, and mild suggestions as to taking the road the other side of thefence, which would no doubt prove smoother than the track. TheseArkansas troops have acquired a reputation for roughness and ignorancewhich they seem to cultivate as assiduously as most people would theirvirtues. But rudeness does not affect their fighting qualities. 

 MADISONVILLE, Sunday, April 12th, 1863. 

We arrived here about five last evening, and, strange to say, thejourney, fatiguing as it was, has not altogether disabled me. But Imust go back to Clinton to account for this new change. It would neverdo to take more than a hundred miles at a single jump without speakingof the incidents by the way. Numerous and pleasant as they were, someway they have unaccountably paled; and things that seemed so extremelyamusing, and afforded me so much pleasure during these four days, nowseem to be absurd trifles half forgotten. 

I now remember lying in state on Lilly's bed Wednesday, talking to Mrs. Badger (who had been several days in town), Anna, Sarah Ripley, and theothers, when Frank suddenly bolted in, just from Port Hudson, to sayanother good-bye, though I told him good-bye at Linwood Sunday. Presently the General entered, just from Linwood, to see us off; thenMr. Marston and his daughter, and Mr. Neafus, all as kind as possible, until a perfect levee was assembled, which I, lying all dressed with ashawl thrown over me, enjoyed all the more as I could take my ease, andhave my fun at the same time. Frank, sitting by my pillow, talkeddolorously of how much he would miss us, and threatened to be takenprisoner before long in order to see us again. 

 * * * * *

When we were finally left alone, I fancy there was very little sleep inthe house. As to me, I lay by Lilly wide awake, thinking how lonely shewould be without us, and perfectly _désolée_ at the idea of leaving theConfederacy (the dear gray coats included); so when it was almostsunrise there was no necessity of rousing me to dress, as I was onlytoo glad to leave my sleepless bed. Before I got dressed, Anna, hermother, and Sarah Ripley came in again; then Miss Comstock; and just asI had put the last touch to my dress, the gentlemen of the night beforeentered, and we had almost an hour and a half's respite before thecarriage, less punctual than we, drove to the door. 

The General picked me up in his arms and carried me once more to thecarriage. Then the servants had to say good-bye; then Lilly, veryquiet, very red, and dissolved in tears, clung to me almost without aword, hardly able to speak, whilst I, distressed and grieved as I was, had not a tear in my eyes--nothing but a great lump in my throat that Itried to choke down in order to talk to Frank, who stood at the windowby me, after she left.... How the distance lengthens between us! Iraise up from my pillows and find myself at Camp Moore at four o'clock. Forty miles are passed over; good-bye, Frank!

From Camp Moore we had to go three miles back, to find Captain Gilman'shouse where we were expected. The gentleman is a friend of Gibbes, though I had never seen any of them before. Such a delightful place, with everything looking so new, and cool, and such a hospitable hostessthat I thought everything charming in spite of my fatigue. I had hardlya moment to look around; for immediately we were shown to our rooms, and in a very few minutes Miriam had me undressed and in bed, the mostdelightful spot in the world to me just then. While congratulatingmyself on having escaped death on the roadside, I opened my eyes tobehold a tray brought to my bedside with a variety of refreshments. Coffee! Bread! Loaf-sugar! Preserves! I opened my mouth to make anexclamation at the singular optical illusion, but wisely forborespeaking, and shut it with some of the unheard-of delicaciesinstead.... 

Early next morning the same routine was gone through as Thursdaymorning. Again the carriage drove to the door, and we were whisked offto Camp Moore, where the engine stood snorting with impatience to hurryus off to Ponchatoula.... Soon we were steaming down the track, Ireclining on my pillows in an interesting state of invalidism, sadlyabashed now and then at the courteous, wondering gaze of the soldierswho were aboard. Having very little idea of the geography of that partof the country, and knowing we were to take a carriage from some pointthis side of Ponchatoula, fancying how surprised Mr. Halsey would be tohear we had passed him on the way, I took a card from mytraveling-case, and wrote a few words for "good-bye, " as we could notsee him again. I sealed it up, and put it in my pocket to send to thefirst post-office we passed. 

About twelve o'clock we stopped at Hammond, which was our place todisembark. Mother sent out to hire a negro to carry me off theplatform; and while waiting in great perplexity, a young officer whohad just seated himself before me, got up and asked if he could assisther, seizing an arm full of cloaks as he spoke. I got up and walked tothe door to appear independent and make believe I was not the one, whenmother begged him not to trouble himself; she wanted a man to assisther daughter who was sick. Calling a friend, the gentleman kindlyloaded him with the cloaks, etc. , while he hurried out after me. I waslooking ruefully at the impracticable step which separated me from theplatform. The question of how I was to carry out my independent notionsbegan to perplex me. "Allow me to assist you, " said a voice at myelbow. I turned and beheld the handsome officer. "Thank you; I think Ican get down alone. " "Pray allow me to lift you over this place. " "Muchobliged, but your arm will suffice. " "Sarah, let the gentleman carryyou! You know you cannot walk!" said my very improper mother. Irespectfully declined the renewed offer. "Don't pay any attention toher. Pick her up, just as you would a child, " said my incorrigiblemother. The gentleman turned very red, while Miriam asserts I turnedextremely white. The next thing I knew, by passing his arm around mywaist, or taking me by my arms--I was so frightened that I have but aconfused idea of it--I was lifted over the intervening gulf and landedon the platform!

Hammond boasts of four houses. One, a shoe manufactory, stood abouttwenty or thirty yards off, and there the gentleman proposed to conductme. Again he insisted on carrying me; and resolutely refusing, Ipronounced myself fully equal to the walk, and accepting his profferedarm, walked off with dignity and self-possession. He must have fanciedthat the injury was in my hand; for holding my arm so that my entireweight must have been thrown on him, not satisfied with that support, with his other hand he held mine _so_ respectfully and so carefullythat I could not but smile as it struck me, which, by the way, _was notuntil I reached the house_!

Discovering that he belonged to Colonel Simonton's command, I asked himto take Mr. Halsey the note I had written an hour before. He pronouncedhimself delighted to be of the slightest service, and seeing that wewere strangers, traveling unprotected, asked if we had secured aconveyance to take us beyond. We told him no. He modestly suggestedthat some gentleman might attend to it for us. He would be happy to doanything in his power. I thought again of Mr. Halsey, and said if hewould mention we were in Hammond, he would be kind enough to see to itfor us. "May I ask your name?" he asked, evidently surprised to findhimself asking a question he was dying to know. I gave him my card, whereupon mother asked _his_ name, which he told us was Howard. We hadbeen talking for some ten minutes, when feeling rather uncomfortable atbeing obliged to look up at such a tall man from my low seat, torelieve my neck as well as to shade my face from any further scrutiny, I put down my head while I was still speaking. Instantly, so quietly, naturally, and unobtrusively did he stoop down by me, on one knee sothat his face was in full view of mine, that the action did not seem tome either singular or impertinent--in fact, I did not think of it untilmother spoke of it after he left. After a few moments it must havestruck him; for he got up and made his parting bow, departing, as Iafterwards heard, to question Tiche as to how I had been hurt, anddeclaring that it was a dreadful calamity to happen to so "lovely" ayoung lady. 

 Monday, April 13th. 

Having nothing to do, I may as well go on with the history of ourwanderings. When the cars were moving off with the handsome Mr. Howard, mother turned to a gentleman who seemed to own the place, and asked tobe shown the hotel. He went out, and presently returning with a chairand two negroes, quietly said he would take us to his own house; thehotel was not comfortable. And, without listening to remonstrances, ledthe way to a beautiful little cottage, where he introduced his wife, Mrs. Cate, who received us most charmingly, and had me in bed beforefive minutes had elapsed. I don't know how any one can believe thewhole world so wicked; for my part I have met none but the kindestpeople imaginable; I don't know any wicked ones. 

Before half an hour had passed, a visitor was announced; so I gatheredup my weary bones, and with scarcely a peep at the glass, walked to theparlor. I commenced laughing before I got there, and the visitor smiledmost absurdly, too; for it was--Mr. Halsey! It seemed so queer to meetin this part of the world that we laughed again after shaking hands. It_was_ odd. I was thinking how much amused the General would be to hearof it; for he had made a bet that we would meet when I asserted that wewould not. 

After the first few remarks, he told me of how he had heard of ourarrival. A gentleman had walked into camp, asking if a Mr. Halsey wasthere. He signified that he was the gentleman, whereupon the other drewout my note, saying a young lady on the cars had requested him todeliver it. Instantly recognizing the chirography, he asked where Iwas. "Hammond. This is her name, " replied the other, extending to himmy card. Thinking, as he modestly confessed, that I had intended itonly for him, Mr. Halsey coolly put it into his pocket, and called forhis horse. Mr. Howard lingered still, apparently having something tosay, which he found difficult to put in words. At last, as the otherprepared to ride off, with a tremendous effort he managed to say, "Theyoung lady's card is mine. If it is all the same to you, I should liketo have it returned. " Apologizing for the mistake, Mr. Halsey returnedit, feeling rather foolish, I should imagine, and rode on to thevillage, leaving, as he avers, Mr. Howard looking enviously after thelucky dog who was going to see _such_ a young lady. 

He told me something that slightly disgusted me with Captain Bradford. It was that when he reached the bivouac the next morning after leavingLinwood, the Captain had put him under arrest for having stayed thereall night. It was too mean, considering that it is more than probablethat he himself remained at Mrs. Fluker's. We discovered, too, that wehad missed two letters Mr. Halsey had written us, which, _of course_, is a great disappointment. One, written to both, the other, a shortnote of ten pages, for me, which I am sure was worth reading. 

It was not until after sunset that we exhausted all topics of conversation, and Mr. Halsey took his leave, promising to see us in the morning. 

And, to be sure, as soon as I was dressed on Saturday, he again madehis appearance, followed soon after by the carriage. Taking a cordialleave of Mrs. Cate, with many thanks for her hospitality, we enteredour conveyance, and with Mr. Halsey riding by the side of the carriage, went on our way. He was to accompany us only as far as Ponchatoula--somesix miles; but the turning-point in his journey seemed to be anundetermined spot; for mile after mile rolled away--rather the wheelsrolled over them--and still he rode by us, talking through the window, and the sprays of wild flowers he would pick for me from time to timewere growing to quite a bouquet, when he proposed an exchange with thefarmer who was driving us, and, giving him his horse, took the reinshimself. 

I think Miriam and I will always remember that ride. The laughter, theconversation, the songs with the murmuring accompaniment of the wheels, and a thousand incidents pleasant to remember though foolish to speakof, will always form a delightful tableau in our recollections. I havebut one disagreeable impression to remember in connection with thetrip, and that occurred at a farmhouse two miles from here, where westopped to get strawberries. I preferred remaining in the carriage, tothe trouble of getting out; so all went in, Mr. Halsey dividing histime equally between Miriam in the house and me in the carriage, supplying me with violets and _pensées_ one moment, and the nextshowing me the most tempting strawberries at the most provokingdistance, assuring me they were exquisite. The individual to whom thecarriage belonged, who had given up the reins to Mr. Halsey, and who, no doubt, was respectable enough for his class in his part of thecountry, would allow no one to bring me my strawberries, reserving thehonor for himself. Presently he appeared with a large saucer of themcovered with cream. I was naturally thankful, but would have preferredhis returning to the house after he had fulfilled his mission. Instead, he had the audacity to express his admiration of my personalappearance; without a pause gave me a short sketch of his history, informed me he was a widower, and _very_ anxious to marry again, andfinally, --Lares and Penates of the house of Morgan ap Kerrig, veil youraffronted brows! You will scarcely credit that the creature had theinsolence to say that--he would marry me to-morrow, if he could, andthink himself blessed; for the jewel of the soul must be equal to thecasket that contained it! Yes! this brute of a man had the unparalleledaudacity to speak to me in such a way! Just then, mother, rememberingher invalid, came to the gallery and asked how I was enjoying my lunch. "I'm courting her!" cried the wretch. "Glad she did not go in! Swearshe's the prettiest girl I _ever_ saw!" At that moment Mr. Halseycame sauntering out with a handful of violets for me, and, turning myshoulder to the creature, I entered into a lively discussion with him, and at last had the satisfaction of seeing the wretch enter the house. 

A drive through the straggling, half-deserted town brought us here toMrs. Greyson's, a large, old-fashioned-looking house so close to theTchefuncta (I think that is the name of the river) that I could throw astone in it from my bed, almost. 

Mrs. Greyson herself would require two or three pages to do herjustice. Fancy the daughter of Sir Francis Searle, the widow of GeneralGreyson, the belle of New Orleans in her young days, settled down intoa hotel-keeper on a small scale, with stately ladies and gentlemenlooking down in solemn surprise at her boarders from their richportrait frames on the parlor wall! Fallen greatness always gives me anuncomfortable thrill. Yet here was the heiress of these shadows on thewall, gay, talkative, bustling, active; with a word of caution, or aword of advice to all; polite, attentive, agreeable to her guests, quarreling and exacting with her servants, grasping and avaricious withall; singing a piece from "Norma" in a voice, about the size of athread No. 150, that showed traces of former excellence; or cheapeninga bushel of corn meal with equal volubility. What a character! Full oflittle secrets and mysteries. "Now, my dear, I don't ask you to tell a_story_, you know; but if the others ask you if you knew it, just looksurprised and say, 'Oh, dear me, when did it happen?' 'Cause I promisednot to tell; only you are such favorites that I could not help it, andit would not do to acknowledge it. And if any one asks you if I putthese candles in here, just say you brought them with you, that's alove, because they will be jealous, as I only allow them lamps. "Eccentric Mrs. Greyson! Many an hour's amusement did she afford me. [19]

 [19] This paragraph, which occurs retrospectively in the Diary under date of New Orleans, Sunday, May 24th, 1863, is inserted here for the sake of clearness. --W. D. 

A ride of twenty-six miles bolt upright in the carriage, over such badroads, had almost used me up; I retired to bed in a state of collapse, leaving Miriam to entertain Mr. Halsey alone. After supper, though, Imanaged to put on my prettiest dress, and be carried down to the parlorwhere I rejoined the rest. Several strange ladies were present, one ofwhom has since afforded me a hearty laugh. She was a horrid-lookingwoman, and ten minutes after I entered, crossing the room with a mostlaughable look of vulgarity attempting to ape righteous scorn, jerkedsome articles of personal property from the table and retired with thesweep of a small hurricane. I thought her an eccentric female; but whatwas my amazement yesterday to hear that she sought Mrs. Greyson, toldher it was impossible for her to stay among so many elegantly dressedladies, and that she preferred keeping her room. Next day, she told herthat she was entirely too attentive to us, and rather than be neglectedin that way for other people, would leave the house, which she didinstantly. 

There was a singular assembly of odd characters in the parlor Saturdaynight, six of whom looked as though they were but so many reflectionsof the same individual in different glasses, and the seventh differedfrom the rest only in playing exquisitely on the banjo--"Too well to bea gentleman, " I fear. These were soldiers, come to "call" on us. Halfan hour after we arrived, a dozen of them took possession of the benchon the bank of the river, one with his banjo who played and sangdelightfully. Old Mrs. Greyson, who is rather eccentric, called, "Ah, Mr. J----! Have you heard already of the arrival of the young ladies?You never serenaded _me_!" The young man naturally looked foolish; soshe went out and asked him to come around after dark and play for theyoung ladies. So after a while he came, "bringing six devils yet worsethan himself, " as the old Scriptural phrase has it, all of whom sat onthe same side of the room, and looked at us steadily when they thoughtwe were not looking. All had the same voice, the same bow, the samemanner--that is to say none at all of the latter; one introduced anagreeable variety, saying as he bowed to each separately, "Happy tomake your acquaintance, ma'am. " Mr. Halsey just managed to keep hisface straight, while I longed for a Dickens to put them all togetherand make one amusing picture out of the seven. I troubled myself verylittle about them, preferring Mr. Halsey's company, not knowing when wewould meet again. It would not have been quite fair to leave him tohimself after he had ridden such a distance for us; so I generouslyleft the seven to Miriam, content with one, and rather think I had thebest of the bargain. The one with the banjo suggested that we shouldsing for them before he played for us, so Miriam played on the piano, and sang with me on the guitar half a dozen songs, and then the othercommenced. I don't know when I have been more amused. There was an odd, piney-woods dash about him that was exceedingly diverting, and he wentthrough comic, sentimental, and original songs with an air that showedhis whole heart was in it. Judging from the number of youth too timidto venture in, who peeped at us from the windows, I should say thatyoung ladies are curiosities just now in Madisonville. 

 Tuesday, April 14th. 

Ah! another delightful glimpse of society has been offered to ourcharmed view. Such a treat has not often fallen to our lot. Good Mrs. Greyson, in her anxiety to make all around her happy, determined weshould have a dance. I should say "Miriam"; for Mrs. Bull and Mrs. Ivynever indulge in such amusements, and I can't; so it must have been forMiriam alone. Such a crew! The two ladies above mentioned and I almostlaughed ourselves into hysterics. Poor Miriam, with a tall, slenderTexan who looked as though he had chopped wood all his life, movedthrough the dance like the lady in "Comus"; only, now and then a burstof laughter at the odd mistakes threatened to overcome her dignity. Wewho were fortunately exempt from the ordeal, laughed unrestrainedly atthe mêlée. One danced entirely with his arms; his feet had very littleto do with the time. One hopped through with a most dolorous expressionof intense absorption in the arduous task. Another never changed abenign smile that had appeared on entering, but preserved it unimpairedthrough every accident. One female, apparently of the tender age ofthirty, wore a yellow muslin, with her hair combed rigidly _à lachinoise_, and tightly fastened at the back of her head in a knot whosecircumference must have been fully equal to that of a dollar. Inaddition to other charms, she bore her neck and chin in a very peculiarmanner, as though she were looking over the fence, Mr. Christmasremarked. Mr. Christmas had ridden all the way from Ponchatoula to seeus, and if it had not been for him, Mr. Worthington, and Dr. Capdevielle, who came in after a while, I think I should have expired, and even Miriam would have given up in despair. The Doctor was an oldfriend of Harry's, though we never met him before. 

 Thursday, April 16th. 

Mr. Halsey brought us each a little tortoise-shell ring he had made forus by his camp-fire, as a keepsake, and of course we promised to wearthem for him, particularly as they make our hands look as white aspossible. Towards sunset, in spite of prayers and entreaties fromMiriam, who insisted that I was too feeble to attempt it, I insisted onwalking out to the bench by the river to enjoy the cool breeze; and wasrather glad I had come, when soon after Dr. Capdevielle made hisappearance, with two beautiful bouquets which he presented with hisFrench bow to us; and introducing his friend, Mr. Miltonberger, enteredinto one of those lively discussions about nothing which Frenchmen knowhow to make so interesting.... 

No sooner had they left than, to our infinite surprise, the immortalseven of Saturday night walked in. Wonder what fun they find in coming?I see none. For we rarely trouble ourselves about their presence; thereare but two I have addressed as yet; one because I am forced to say yesor no to his remarks, and the other because I like his banjo, which hebrought again, and feel obliged to talk occasionally since he is soaccommodating, and affords me the greatest amusement with his comicsongs. I was about retiring unceremoniously about twelve o'clock, completely worn out, when they finally bethought themselves of sayinggood-night, and saved me the necessity of being rude. Wonder if that isall the fun they have? I should say it was rather dry. It is mean tolaugh at them, though; their obliging dispositions should save themfrom our ridicule. Last evening Mr. Halsey succeeded in procuring alarge skiff, whereupon four or five of them offered to row, and took us'way down the Tchefuncta through the most charming scenery to a spotwhere Echo answered us in the most remarkable way; her distinctutterance was really charming. Not being aware of the secret, I thoughtthe first answer to the halloo was from pickets. Mr. Halsey has amagnificent voice; and the echoes came back so full and rich that soonwe appointed him speaker by mutual consent, and were more than repaidby the delightful sounds that came from the woods. The last ray of thesun on the smooth waters; the soldiers resting on their oars while wetuned the guitar and sang in the still evening, until twilight, slowlyclosing over, warned us to return, forms another of those picturesindescribable though never to be forgotten. 

 BONFOUCA, Saturday, April 18th. 

When I paused on Thursday to rest a few moments, how little idea I hadthat the rest I was taking would soon be required for another journey!

It was agreed among us, with our fellow travelers, Mrs. Bull and Mrs. Ivy, whom we met at Mrs. Greyson's, endeavoring to reach the city likeourselves, that we would wait there until we could receive ourpassports from General Pemberton. When this journey was first seriouslycontemplated, Miriam wrote to Colonel Szymanski representing mother'sstate of health and my unfortunate condition, the necessity of medicaladvice for both, and the impossibility of remaining in famishingClinton, and asked him to apply to the General for a pass to go toBrother. The Colonel sent word through Eugene La Noue that we shouldobtain it in a few days, and advised us to go by way of Ponchatoula. Tired of delay, and hearing that we could pass as readily on GeneralGardiner's order, we obtained one and started off without waiting forthe other. The first news on arriving at Madisonville was that no oneshould pass except on General Pemberton's order. 

Pleasant intelligence for those who had come that far without! Theother two ladies were in the same dilemma. They were told that theyshould have a pass if they would wait. Waiting at the expense of fourdollars a day for each, --Mrs. Ivy with two very sick babies, Mrs. Bullwith all her property in New Orleans at stake, Tiche with her brokenfoot, mother with a powerless hand, and I with an injured spine, --wasanything but agreeable under the circumstances; though nothing could bemore pleasant, apart from this sense of restriction, than our stay atMadisonville. General Pemberton took his leisure about the affair, which is not surprising, as our Generals have more weighty matters thanwomen's passports to attend to. Still, pleased as we were with ourresidence there, it was necessary to get on as soon as possible. So asI rested from labors about one o'clock on Thursday, Mrs. Bull came into suggest a new plan to mother. It was to leave immediately for aplantation called Bonfouca, thirty miles off, where schooners cametwice a week, and where we would be allowed to embark without a pass. Carriages that had just brought a party of ladies from Mandeville werewaiting on the other side of the river, which could take us offimmediately, for there was not a moment to lose. 

Instantly we resolved to hazard the undertaking. 

About three we got into the large scow to cross the Tchefuncta, in aparty numbering five ladies, four children, and four servants. One ofthe devoted pickets, after setting me carefully in the most comfortableplace, asked permission to accompany me as far as the carriage; he wassure he could assist me more carefully than the drivers. And withoutfurther parley, he followed. Before we turned the point, Mr. Worthington[20] ... The dim distance, rowing up the stream in thedirection of Madisonville. What if he had perceived us, and washastening after us, deeming it his duty to arrest us for trying to getaway without General Pemberton's order? As the idea was suggested, there was rather a nervous set of ladies on board. The half-mile thatwe had to go before reaching our landing-place was passed over innervous apprehension. At last the spot was reached. Mr. Worthington hadnot appeared, and we reached _terra firma_ without being "nabbed, " aswe confidently expected. The obliging picket put me into the carriage, bade me a most friendly adieu, and returned to the village, leaving uswith every prospect of getting off without serious difficulty, in spiteof our serious apprehensions. 

 [20] The torn edge of a page has obliterated several words, which might, to judge by the context, have been "was seen in. "

With two little children and Tiche with me, our carriage started offsome time before the others. Two or three miles from ourstarting-point, I perceived three gentlemen riding towards us, one ofwhom I instantly recognized as Dr. Capdevielle. Instantly I stopped thecarriage to speak to him. His look of astonishment when satisfied of myidentity rather amused me; but my amusement was changed to a slightfeeling of disappointment when he commenced talking. Was it possible Iwas leaving Madison? Oh, how distressed he was! He was promisinghimself so much pleasure! And to leave so unexpectedly! He had justcome with his friends from--somewhere. They had planned a surpriseparty at Mrs. Greyson's for us that evening, and had been after thesupper they had procured--somewhere, as I before observed, and werejust now returning. And now we were deserting them! He had invitedMonsieur Berger, Monsieur Pollock, Monsieur ---- _Mais enfin desMessieurs!_ he exclaimed with a comical emphasis and smile that broughtvivid recollections of the other party before my eyes, by force ofcontrast, I suppose. And wasn't I sorry we had left! We fairly condoledwith each other. Twenty minutes had elapsed before I had so farrecovered from the disappointment as to bethink myself of the proprietyof continuing my journey. And then with the assurance of being mutually_désolée_, we parted with a hearty good-bye, and he rode on to rejoinhis companions, while I went the way he had come. 

Two miles beyond, I met three others of the six gentlemen he hadmentioned, riding in a little dogcart which contained champagne basketsin which the supper was evidently packed, each gentleman elegantlydressed, holding between them a little basket of bouquets that myprophetic soul told me was intended for Miriam and me. I was notpersonally acquainted with the gentlemen, or I should have told them ofthe disappointment that awaited them. It _must_ have been adisappointment!

In the midst of profound reflections about fate, vanity of human wishesand calculations, friendships formed on the roadside in the journeythrough life (or from Clinton), I raised my eyes to behold LakePonchartrain, and to find myself in Mandeville, just seven miles fromthe Tchefuncta. Looking at the dreary expanse of water, which suggestedloneliness and desolation, first recalled my own situation to me. HereI was in this straggling place, with Tiche, a cripple like myself, andtwo little children under my care, without an idea of where we were togo. Any one as timid and dependent as I to be placed in such a positionas pioneer to such a tremendous company would feel rather forlorn. Butsome step had to be taken, so I consulted the driver as to where wecould obtain board, and followed his suggestion. One house after theother we stopped at, and with my veil down and my heart beating asthough I were soliciting charity, or some other unpleasant favor, Itried to engage rooms for the company, without success. At last we weredirected to a Frenchman, who, after the usual assurance of "nothing toeat" (which we afterwards found to be only too true), consented toreceive us. "Taking possession" seemed to me such a dreadfulresponsibility that for some time I remained in the carriage, afraid toget out before the others arrived. But there was still no sign of them;so I gathered my children and Tiche, and prepared to dismount with theFrenchman's assistance. 

I have read descriptions of such houses and people, but I have notoften seen them. The man and his wife were perfect specimens of the lowCanadian, speaking only French. No sooner had they discovered that Iwas "blessée, " as they supposed, than each seized an arm and withoverwhelming exclamations of sympathy, halfway dragged me into theroom, where they thrust me into a chair. Their family seemed to consistonly of cats and dogs who seemed to agree most harmoniously, and eachof whom conceived the liveliest affection for us. As we were leavingMrs. Greyson's, a stranger just from the city, brought to our room apaper of ham, tongue, and biscuits for "the sick young lady" (Heavenonly knows how she heard of her), saying she had just traveled the roadherself, and knew I would find nothing to eat; so she would insist onputting this in our basket. It was done in a manner that put allrefusal out of the question; so it had to be accepted. I was feedinglittle Jenny Ivy and Minna Bull on this lunch for want of somethingelse to do, when the affection of the cats and dogs becameoverpowering. Six of them jumped at us, licked Jenny's face, eatMinna's ham, and what with sundry kicks and slaps I had exercise enoughto last a week, and was rapidly losing all my strength, when the womancame to my rescue and called her pets off just as the rest of the partydrove up to find me almost exhausted. 

Such a bedroom! There was a narrow single bed in which mother, Jenny, and I slept, a decrepit table on which stood a diseased mirror, abroken lounge without a bottom, and a pine armoir filled with--corn! Inthe centre stood the chief ornament, a huge pile of dirt, near whichMiriam's mattress was placed, while the sail of a boat flanked it in onthe other side, arranged as a bed for Tiche. The accommodations in theother bedroom were far inferior to ours. Then the mosquitoes swarmedlike pandemonium on a spree, and there was but one bar in the house, which the man declared should be only for me. I would rather have beendevoured by the insects than enjoy comforts denied to the others; so Imade up my mind it should be the last time. 

Our supper was rare. "Nothing like it was ever seen in Paris, " asMcClellan would say. It consisted of one egg apiece, with a smallspoonful of rice. A feast, you see! Price, one dollar each, besides thedollar paid for the privilege of sleeping among dirt, dogs, and fleas. 

 Sunday, April 19th. 

Friday morning we arose and prepared to resume our journey forBonfouca, twenty-three miles away. The man walked in very unceremoniouslyto get corn from the armoir as we got up, throwing open the windows andperforming sundry little offices usually reserved for _femmes-de-chambre_;but with that exception everything went on very well. Breakfast being aluxury not to be procured, we got into the carriages before sunrise, and left this romantic abode of dogs and contentment. Again our roadlay through piney woods, so much like that from Hammond to Ponchatoulathat involuntarily I found myself looking through the window to see ifMr. Halsey was there. It lacked only his presence to make the scene allin all the same. But alas! this time the driver picked me wild flowers, and brought us haws. Mr. Halsey, in blissful ignorance of ourdeparture, was many and many a mile away. The drive was not half asamusing. The horse would not suffer any one except Miriam to drive, andat last refused to move until the driver got down and ran along by thecarriage. Every time the poor boy attempted to occupy his seat, theobstinate animal would come to a dead stop and refuse to go until hedismounted again. I am sure that he walked nineteen miles out of thetwenty-three, out of complaisance to the ungrateful brute. 

All equally fatigued and warm, we reached this place about twelveo'clock. Mrs. Bull had arrived before us; and as the carriage stopped, her girl Delia came to the gate the personification of despair, crying, "You can't get out, ladies. They say we can't stop here; we must goright back. " The panic which ensued is indescribable. Go back when wewere almost at our journey's end, after all the money we had spent, thefatigue we had undergone, to be turned back all the way to Clinton, perhaps! "With my sick babies!" cried Mrs. Ivy. "With my sick child!"cried mother. "Never! You may turn me out of your house, but we willdie in the woods first! To go back is to kill my daughter and thesebabies!" This was to the overseer who came to the carriage. "Madam, Ihave orders to allow no one to pass who has not written permission. Lieutenant Worthington sent the order two days ago; and I am liable toimprisonment if I harbor those who have no passport, " the manexplained. "But we have General Gardiner's order, " I expostulated. "Then you shall certainly pass; but these ladies cannot. I can't turnyou away, though; you shall all come in and stay until something can bedetermined on. "

This much granted was an unlooked-for blessing. He showed us the way toa large unfurnished house, one room of which contained a bed with onenaked mattress, which was to be our apartment. Mrs. Bull sat down in acalm, dignified state of despair; little Mrs. Ivy dissolved in tears;we all felt equally disconsolate; the prospect of getting off was notso pleasant when we thought we should be obliged to leave them behind. Our common misfortunes had endeared us to each other, strangers as wewere a week ago. So we all lamented together, a perfect _Jérémiade_ ofdespair. The overseer is very tender-hearted; he condoled, comforted, and finally determined that if there was any way of getting them off, they should go. A glimpse of sunshine returned to our lowering sky, andcheerfulness reigned once more, to be violently dethroned some hourslater. Three of the Madisonville pickets were announced approaching thehouse. Of course, they were coming after us! Oh, that vile Mr. Worthington! We always _did_ hate him! There was such a sneaky lookabout him. Hypocrite! we always felt we should hate him! Oh, thewretch! "I won't go back!" cried mother. "I shall not, " said quiet Mrs. Bull. "He shall pay my expenses if he insists on taking me back!"exclaimed Mrs. Ivy. "Spent all my money! Mrs. Bull, you have none tolend me, remember, and Mrs. Morgan _shan't_! Oh, that Worthington!Let's make him pay for all!" We smothered our laughter to sit tremblingwithin as the pickets stepped on the gallery. I believe we commencedpraying. Just think! Thus far, our journey has cost mother two hundredand twenty dollars. It would cost the same to get back to blessedClinton, and fancy our spending that sum to settle there again!Besides, we gave away all our clothes to our suffering friends; andwhat would we do there now?

After half an hour of painful suspense, we discovered that it wouldhave been as well to spare poor Mr. Worthington; for the pickets werenot after us, but had come to escort Mrs. R----, a woman who was takingthe body of her son, who was killed at Murfreesboro, to the city forinterment. Poor woman! she rode all this distance sitting on herchild's coffin. Her husband was one of those who with B---- stole thatlarge sum of money from father which came so near ruining him. Shespeaks of her husband as of a departed saint. I dare say she believeshim innocent of the theft in spite of his public confession. The gravehas wiped out even the disgrace of the penitentiary where he expiatedhis offense.... When I told Tiche who the woman was, she clasped herhands, saying, "The Lord is good! Years and years master suffered whileshe grew rich, and now _her_ time comes! The Lord don't forget!" Ican't feel that way. It is well for the narrow-minded to look for God'sjudgment on us for our sins; but mine is a more liberal faith. Godafflicted her for some wise purpose; but if I thought it was to avengefather, I should be afraid of her. As it is, I can be sorry, oh, _so_sorry for her!

As usual I find myself taken care of at the expense of the others. There are but two bars on the place; one, the overseer said, should befor me, the other for the children. Sheets were scarce, covers scarcerstill. Tired of being spoiled in this way, I insisted on being allowedto sleep on a mattress on the floor, after a vigorous skirmish withmother and Miriam, in which I came off victorious. For a bar, Iimpressed Miriam's grenadine dress, which she fastened to the doorknoband let fall over me à la Victoria tester arrangement. To my share fella double blanket, which, as Tiche had no cover, I unfolded, and as sheused the foot of my bed for a pillow, gave her the other end of it, thus (tell it not in Yankeeland, for it will never be credited)actually sleeping under the same bedclothes with our black, shiny negronurse! We are grateful, though, even for these discomforts; it mighthave been so much worse! Indeed, I fear that our fellow travelers donot fare as well. Those who have sheets have no bars; those who haveblankets have no sheets; and one woman who has recently joined us hasnothing except a mattress which is to do the duty of all three. Butthen, we got bread! Real, pure, wheat bread! And coffee! None of yourpotato, burnt sugar, and parched corn abomination, but theunadulterated berry! I can't enjoy it fully, though; every mouthful iscloyed with the recollection that Lilly and her children have none. 

As usual, as Mrs. Greyson says, the flowers follow us; yesterday Ireceived three bouquets, and Miriam got one too. In this out-of-the-wayplace such offerings are unexpected; and these were doubly gratifyingcoming from people one is not accustomed to receiving them from. Forinstance, the first was from the overseer, the second from a servant, and the third from a poor boy for whom we have subscribed to pay hispassage to the city. 

 Wednesday, April 22d, NEW ORLEANS. 

Yesterday we arrived; I thought we should never get here. Monday we hadalmost given up in despair, believing the schooner would never return. But in the evening, when all were gathered in our room discussing ourhopes and fears, a sail was perceived at the mouth of the bayou, whereupon every one rushed out to see the boat land. I believe that Ihave not mentioned that this Bonfouca is on a bayou of the same namethat runs within a few yards of this house. It is an Indian namesignifying Winding River, which struck us as very appropriate when wewatched the schooner sailing now to the left, now to the right, apparently through the green fields; for the high grass hid the courseof the stream so that the faintest line was not perceptible, exceptjust in front of the house. All was now bustle and confusion, packing, dressing, and writing last words to our friends at home, untilhalf-past eleven, when we embarked. 

This is my first experience of schooners, and I don't care if I neverbehold another. The cabin where Mr. Kennedy immediately carried me, wasjust the size of my bed at home (in the days I had a home) and justhigh enough to stand in. On each side of the short ladder, there was amattress two feet wide. One of them Mrs. R---- had possession ofalready, the other was reserved for me. I gave the lower part of mineto Minna and Jennie, who spent the rest of the night fighting eachother and kicking me. 

Just before twelve we "weighed anchor" and I went on deck to take alast look at Dixie with the rest of the party. Every heart was full. Each left brothers, sisters, husband, children, or dear friends behind. We sang, "Farewell dear land, " with a slight quaver in our voices, looked at the beautiful starlight shining on the last boundary of ourglorious land, and, fervently and silently praying, passed out ofsight. 

God bless you, all you dear ones we have left in our beloved country!God bless and prosper you, and grant you the victory in the name ofJesus Christ. 

I returned to my mattress, and this is the way we spent the night. 

Mrs. R----, rocking and moaning as she sat up in bed, whined out hervarious ills with a minute description of each, ceasing the recitalonly to talk of her son's body which lay on deck. (Yesterday morningshe was sitting crying on his coffin while a strange woman sat on itshead eating her bread and cheese. ) Mrs. Bull, one of the mostintelligent and refined ladies I have yet met, who is perfectly devotedto me, sat by me, laughing and talking, trying her best to make everyone comfortable and happy in her unobtrusive way. Mother talked to Mrs. R---- and cried at the thought of leaving her children fighting andsuffering. The space between the two beds was occupied by threeIrishwomen and Mrs. Ivy's two babies. The babies had commencedscreaming as they were brought into the pen, at which I was notsurprised. Having pitched their voices on the proper key, they neverceased shrieking, kicking, crying, throwing up, and going through thewhole list of baby performances. The nurses scolded with shrill voicesabove the bedlam that had hushed even Mrs. R----'s complaints; Jennieand Minna quarreled, kicked, and cried; and as an aggravation to theprevious discomforts, a broad-shouldered, perspiring Irishwoman satjust by my head, bracing herself against my pillow in the mostunpleasant style. I endured it without flinching until about half-pastthree, when the condensed odor of a dozen different people and childrenbecame unendurable, and I staggered up on deck where Miriam and Mrs. Ivy had been wise enough to remain without venturing below. They laidme on a bench in the stern, rolled me up in shawls to keep off theheavy dew, and there I remained until daylight with them, as wide awakeas ever. 

At daylight there was a universal smoothing of heads, and straighteningof dresses, besides arrangements made for the inspection of baggage. Being unwilling for any Christian to see such a book as this, I passeda piece of tape through the centre leaves, and made Miriam tie it underher hoops. At sunrise we were in sight of the houses at the lake end. It seemed as though we would never reach land. 

I forgot to speak of our alarm as we got in the lake. No sooner had wefairly left the bayou than the sky suddenly became threatening. Thecaptain shook his head and spoke of a very ugly night for the lake, which sent everybody's heart to their throats, and alarmed usimmeasurably. We got talking of the sailor's superstition of crossingthe water with a corpse, until we persuaded ourselves that it was morethan probable we would founder in the coming storm. But the severeststorm we met was the one in the cabin; and all night the only wind wasa head breeze, and the spicy gale from below. 

When we at last entered the canal, I beheld the animal now so longunseen, the Yankee. In their dark blue uniforms, they stood around, butI thought of the dear gray coats, and even the pickets of Madisonvilleseemed nobler and greater men than these. Immediately a guard wasplaced on board, we whispering before he came, "Our dear Confederates, God bless them. "

We had agreed among ourselves that come what would, we would preserveour dignity and self-respect, and do anything rather than create ascene among such people. It is well that we agreed. So we whisperedquietly among ourselves, exhorting each other to pay no attention tothe remarks the Yankees made about us as we passed, and acting themartyr to perfection, until we came to Hickock's Landing. Here therewas a group of twenty Yankees. Two officers came up and asked us forpapers; we said we had none. In five minutes one came back, and askedif we had taken the oath. No; we had never taken _any_. He then tookdown our names. Mother was alone in the coop. He asked if there was notanother. The schooner had fifteen passengers, and we had given onlyfourteen names. Mother then came up and gave her name, going back soonafter. 

While one went after our passes, others came to examine our baggage. Icould not but smile as an unfortunate young man got on his knees beforeour trunk and respectfully handled our dirty petticoats and stockings. "You have gone through it before, " he said. "Of course, theConfederates searched it. "--"Indeed, they did not touch it!" Iexclaimed. "They never think of doing such work. "--"Miss, it is moremortifying to me than it can be to you, " he answered. And I saw he wasactually blushing. He did his work as delicately as possible, and whenhe returned the keys, asked if we had letters. I opened my box and putthem into his hand. One came near getting me into serious trouble. Itwas sent by some one I never saw, with the assurance that it containednothing objectionable. I gave it sealed to the man, who opened it, whenit proved to be rather disagreeable, I judged from his language. Hetold me his captain must see it before he could let me have it, andcarried it off. Presently he came back and told me it could not bereturned. I told him to burn it then, as I neither knew the writer, thecontents, nor those it was written to. "I may save you some difficultyif I destroy it, " he remarked, whereupon he tore it up and flung itinto the canal. I have since found I had cause to be grateful; for justafter came an officer to see the young lady who brought that letter. Ishowed the pieces in the water, saying the young man had torn it up, which seemed to annoy him; it was to be sent to headquarters, he said. 

Then came a bundle of papers on board carried by another, who standingin front of us, cried in a startling way, "Sarah Morgan!"--"Here" (veryquietly). --"Stand up!"--"I cannot" (firmly). --"Why not?"--"Unable"(decisively). After this brief dialogue, he went on with the othersuntil all were standing except myself, when he delivered to each astrip of paper that informed the people that Miss, or Mrs. So-and-Sohad taken and subscribed the oath as Citizen of the United States. Ithought that was all, and rejoiced at our escape. But after anotherpause he uncovered his head and told us to hold up our right hands. Half-crying, I covered my face with mine and prayed breathlessly forthe boys and the Confederacy, so that I heard not a word he was sayinguntil the question, "So help you God?" struck my ear. I shuddered andprayed harder. There came an awful pause in which not a lip was moved. Each felt as though in a nightmare, until, throwing down his blankbook, the officer pronounced it "All right!" Strange to say, Iexperienced no change. I prayed as hard as ever for the boys and ourcountry, and felt no nasty or disagreeable feeling which would haveannounced the process of turning Yankee. 

Then it was that mother commenced. He turned to the mouth of thediminutive cave, and asked if she was ready to take the oath. "Isuppose I _have_ to, since I belong to you, " she replied. "No, madam, you are not obliged; we force no one. Can you state your objections?""Yes, I have three sons fighting against you, and you have robbed me, beggared me!" she exclaimed, launching into a speech in which Heavenknows _what_ she did not say; there was little she left out, from herdespoiled house to her sore hand, both of which she attributed to theat first amiable man, who was rapidly losing all patience. Faint withhunger, dizzy with sleeplessness, she had wrought on her own feelingsuntil her nerves were beyond control. She was determined to carry itout, and crying and sobbing went through with it. 

I neither spoke nor moved.... The officer walked off angrily and sentfor a guard to have mother taken before General Bowens. Once throughher speech, mother yielded to the entreaties of the ladies andprofessed herself ready to take the oath, since she was obliged to. "Madam, I did not invite you to come, " said the polite officer, whorefused to administer the oath; and putting several soldiers on board, ordered them to keep all on board until one could report to GeneralBowens. Mother retired to the cabin, while we still kept our seatsabove. 

Oh, that monotonous, never-ending canal! We thought it would go onforever. At last we came to the basin in the centre of the city. Herewas a position for ladies! Sitting like Irish emigrants on theirearthly possessions, and coming in a schooner to New Orleans, which ayear ago would have filled us with horror. Again the landing wasreached, and again we were boarded by officers. I don't know how theyknew of the difficulty mother had made, but they certainly did, andordered that none should leave until the General's will was made known. 

Mrs. Bull and Mrs. Ivy, after a long delay and many representations, atlast prepared to leave. I was sitting in the spot I had occupied eversince before daylight, with nothing to support me above my hips. All ofus had fasted since an early and light supper the night before; nonehad slept. I was growing so weak from these three causes, and theburning sun (for it was now twelve), that I could hardly speak whenthey came to tell me good-bye. Alarmed at my appearance, Mrs. Bullentreated the officer to allow me to leave the boat. No, he said; itwas impossible; we should remain on board until General Bowens couldcome. We may get an answer in half an hour, or we may not get it forsome time; and there we must stay until it came. "But this young ladyhas been ill for months; she is perfectly exhausted, and will faint ifshe is not removed immediately, " pleaded Mrs. Bull. She did not know mypowers of control. Faint! I would have expired silently first! Theofficer said those were his orders; I could not leave. "Do you thinkyou are performing your duty as a gentleman and a Christian? This younglady has obtained her pass already, without the slightest difficulty, "she persisted. Still he said he was acting according to orders. Not tobe baffled, she begged that she might be allowed to take me to Brother, telling him who he was, while our trunk, Miriam, Tiche, and motherwould remain as hostages. Then he gave a reluctant consent on conditionI left my number, so he could go after me when I was wanted. 

I don't know what good came of the consent, for there I was to remainuntil something, I don't know what, happened. I only know I was growingdeathly sick and faint, and could hardly hold myself up, when some timeafter Mrs. Bull and Mrs. Ivy left (under the impression that I was togo immediately), a gentleman in citizen's clothes came to me and saidhe had obtained permission for me to wait General Bowens's orders inhis office, a few steps from the schooner. Thankful for so much, Iaccepted his arm and slowly dragged myself along to the first shelter Ihad seen that day. By some wonderful condescension Miriam and motherwere allowed to follow; and with the guard at the door, we waited therefor half an hour more until our sentence could be received. 

Miriam had written a line to Brother as soon as possible, telling himof the situation, and while we were waiting in this office, I half deadwith fatigue, a carriage dashed up to the door, and out of it steppedBrother. I felt that all our troubles were over then. He looked so gladto see us that it seemed a pity to tell the disagreeable story that yetremained to be told. But once heard, he made all go right in a fewmoments. He got into the carriage with mother, to take her to GeneralBowens, while we got into another to come to the house. I saw no moreof the guard or officer. 

When we arrived, Sister was too astonished to speak. She did notbelieve we would come when it was ordered that all should take the oathon entering. If we had only realized it I don't think we would, either. 

In half an hour mother got back. Supported by Brother's presence, shehad managed to hold up her right hand and say "Yes" to the oath--whichwas more than any of us had done. 

 * * * * *

Brother found an officer at the door who had been ordered (before hetook mother to the General) to arrest her and confine her in theCustom-House. I suppose Miriam and I would have shared the imprisonmentwith her. But Brother has a way of making all these things right; andthe man was sent back without accomplishing his mission. 

 Sunday, April 26th. 

I am getting well! Bless the Lord, O my soul! Life, health, andhappiness dawn on my trembling view again!... Dr. Stone came to see mea few hours after I arrived; two days after, he called again; thismorning I walked out to meet him when he was announced, and he asked mehow my sister was. When I told him I was myself, "God bless my soul!You don't say so!" he exclaimed, evidently astonished at theresurrection. 

 Thursday, April 30th. 

Was not the recollection of this day bitter enough to me already? I didnot think it could be more so. Yet behold me crying as I have not criedfor many and many a day. Not for Harry; I dare not cry for him. I feela deathlike quiet when I think of him; a fear that even a deep-drawnbreath would wake him in his grave. And as dearly as I love you, O Hal, I don't want you in this dreary world again.... 

Talk of the Revocation of the Edict of Nantes! Talk of Louis XIV!Of--pshaw! my head is in such a whirl that history gets all mixed up, and all parallels seem weak and moderate in comparison to this infamousoutrage. To-day, thousands of families, from the most respectable downto the least, all who have had the firmness to register themselvesenemies to the United States, are ordered to leave the city before thefifteenth of May. Think of the thousands, perfectly destitute, who canhardly afford to buy their daily bread even here, sent to theConfederacy, where it is neither to be earned nor bought, withoutmoney, friends, or a home. Hundreds have comfortable homes here, whichwill be confiscated to enrich those who drive them out. "It is an illwind that blows no one good. " Such dismal faces as one meetseverywhere! Each looks heartbroken. Homeless, friendless, beggars, iswritten in every eye. Brother's face is too unhappy to make it pleasantto look at him. True, he is safe; but hundreds of his friends are goingforth destitute, leaving happy homes behind, not knowing where thecrust of bread for famishing children is to come from to-morrow. Hewent to General Bowens and asked if it were possible that women andchildren were included in the order. Yes, he said; they should all go, and go in the Confederacy. They should not be allowed to go elsewhere. Penned up like sheep to starve! That's the idea! With the addition offorty thousand mouths to feed, they think they can invoke famine totheir aid, seeing that their negro brothers don't help them much in thetask of subjugating us. 

 * * * * *

Don't care who knows I smuggled in a dozen letters! Wish I had hadmore!

 June 9th, Tuesday. 

My dear Brother, who is always seeking to make somebody happy, arrangeda dinner-party at the lake for us Saturday. There was quite a number ofus, as, besides ourselves and the five children, we had Mrs. Price andher children, Mrs. Bull, and three nurses.... There are no Southernyoung men left in town, and those who remain would hardly be receivedwith civility by Miriam and myself. Of the Yankees, Brother has so muchconsideration for us that he has never invited one to his house sincewe have been here, though he has many friends among them who visitedhere before our arrival. Such delicacy of feeling we fully appreciate, knowing how very few men of such a hospitable nature would be capableof such a sacrifice. Thinking we need company, Brother frequentlyinvites what he calls "a safe old Secessionist" (an old bachelor offifty-three who was wounded at Shiloh) to dine with us; thinking it afair compromise between the stay-at-home youth and Yankees, neither ofwhom this extremely young man could be confounded with. 

 Sunday, June 14th. 

The excitement about Port Hudson and Vicksburg is intense. When I heardon Friday that the last attack was being made on the former place, Itook to my prayers with a delirium of fervor. If I was a man, if I hadthe blessed privilege of fighting, I would be on the breastworks, orperchance on the water batteries under Colonel Steadman's command. Butas I was unfortunately born a woman, I stay home and pray with heartand soul. That is all I can do; but I do it with a will. In myexcitement, I was wishing that I was a Catholic, that I might make avow for the preservation of Port Hudson, when a brilliant idea struckme. It was this: though vows are peculiar to Catholics, mosquitoes arecommon to all sects. From that arose this heroic scheme: I said, "Hearme, Miriam, thou who knowest I have slept undisturbed but three nightsout of seventeen, four hours out of each of the other fourteen havingbeen spent in destroying my insatiable foe. Thou seest that nightlyvigils are torturing me pale and weak, thou knowest what unspeakableaffection I have for the youth yclept by the ancients Morpheus. Yetlisten to my vow: If Port Hudson holds out, if our dear people arevictorious, I offer up myself on the altar of my country to mosquitoes, and never again will I murmur at their depredations and voracity. " Talkof pilgrimages, and the ordinary vow of wearing only the Virgin'scolors (the most becoming in the world); there never was one of greaterheroism or more sublime self-sacrifice than this. And as if to prove mysincerity, they have been worse than ever these last two nights. But asyet I have not murmured; for the Yankees, who swore to enter PortHudson before last Monday night, have not yet fulfilled their promise, and we hold it still. _Vivent_ vows and mosquitoes, and forever may ourflag wave over the entrenchments! We will conquer yet, with God'sblessing!

A week or ten days ago came a letter from Lydia, who is placed withinthe lines by this recent raid. She writes that the sugar-house andquarters have been seized for Yankee hospitals, that they have beenrobbed of their clothing, and that they are in pursuit of the General, who I pray Heaven may escape them. She wrote for clothing, provisions, and a servant, and after we had procured them all, and were ready tosend them, we discovered that they would not be allowed to pass; so Ihardly know what the poor child will do unless she accepts Brother'sinvitation to come down to him immediately, if she thinks it right. 

 June 17th. 

I must write something somewhere, I don't care if dinner is ready, andBrother's "safe old Secesh" downstairs! Lydia has another boy! Letterhas just come, and I am demented about my new godchild! There now! feelbetter!

One more word--it shall be called "Howell. " Dear, blessed little baby!how I shall love it!

 Sunday, June 21st. 

How about that oath of allegiance? is what I frequently ask myself, andalways an uneasy qualm of conscience troubles me. Guilty or not guiltyof perjury? According to the law of God in the abstract, and ofnations, Yes; according to my conscience, Jeff Davis, and the peculiarposition I was placed in, No. Which is it? Had I had any idea that sucha pledge would be exacted, would I have been willing to come? Never!The thought would have horrified me. The reality was never placedbefore me until we reached Bonfouca. There I was terrified at theprospect; but seeing how impossible it would be to go back, I placedall my hopes in some miracle that was to intervene to prevent such acrime, and confidently believed my ill health or something else wouldsave me, while all the rest of the party declared they would think itnothing, and take forty oaths a day, if necessary. A forced oath, allmen agree, is not binding. The Yankees lay particular stress on thisbeing voluntary, and insist that no one is solicited to take it exceptof their own free will. Yet look at the scene that followed, whenmother showed herself unwilling! Think of being ordered to theCustom-House as a prisoner for saying she supposed she would _have_ to!_That's_ liberty! that is free will! It is entirely optional; you haveonly to take it quietly or go to jail. That is freedom enough, certainly! There was not even that choice left to me. I told theofficer who took down my name that I was unwilling to take the oath, and asked if there was no escaping it. "None whatever" was his reply. "You have it to do, and there is no getting out of it. " His rude tonefrightened me into half-crying; but for all that, as he said, I had itto do. If perjury it is, which will God punish: me, who was unwillingto commit the crime, or the man who forced me to it?

 Friday, June 26th. 

O praise the Lord, O my soul! Here is good news enough to make me happyfor a month! Brother is so good about that! Every time he hears goodnews on our side, he tells it just as though it was on his side, instead of on ours; while all bad news for us he carefully avoidsmentioning, unless we question him. So to-day he brought in a budgetfor us. 

Lee has crossed the Potomac on his way to Washington with one hundredand sixty thousand men. Gibbes and George are with him. Magruder ismarching on Fort Jackson, to attack it in the rear. One or two of ourEnglish ironclads are reported at the mouth of the river, and Farraguthas gone down to capture them. O Jimmy! Jimmy! suppose he should be onone of them? We don't know the name of his ship, and it makes us soanxious for him, during these months that we have heard nothing of hiswhereabouts. 

It is so delightful to see these frightened Yankees! One has only towalk downtown to be satisfied of the alarm that reigns. Yesterday camethe tidings of the capture of Brashere City by our troops, and that abrigade was fifteen miles above here, coming down to the city. Mencongregated at corners whispering cautiously. These were evidentlyConfederates who had taken the oath. Solitary Yankees straggled alongwith the most lugubrious faces, troubling no one. We walked down toBlineau's with Mrs. Price, and over our ice-cream she introduced herhusband, who is a true blue Union man, though she, like ourselves, is arank Rebel. Mr. Price, on the eve of making an immense fortune, wasperfectly disconsolate at the news. Every one was to be ruined;starvation would follow if the Confederates entered; there was never amore dismal, unhappy creature. Enchanted at the news, I naturally askedif it were reliable. "Perfectly! Why, to prove how true, standing atthe door of this salon five minutes ago, I saw two young ladies passwith Confederate flags, which they flirted in the face of some Federalofficers, unrebuked!" Verily, thought I, something is about to happen!Two days ago the girls who were "unrebuked" this evening would havefound themselves in jail instead. 

 July 10th. 

Shall I cry, faint, scream, or go off in hysterics? Tell me which, quickly; for to doubt this news is fine and imprisonment, and if Ireally believe it I would certainly give way to my feelings and commitsome vagaries of the kind. My resolution is formed! I will do neither;I won't gratify the Yankees so much. I have been banging at the pianountil my fingers are weary, and singing "The Secret through Life to beHappy" until my voice is cracked; I'll stand on my head if necessary, to prove my indifference; but I'll never believe this is true until itis confirmed by stronger authority. 

Day before yesterday came tidings that Vicksburg had fallen on the 4thinst. The "Era" poured out extras, and sundry little popguns fizzledout salutes. All who doubted the truth of the report and were braveenough to say so were fined or imprisoned; it has become a penaloffense to doubt what the "Era" says; so quite a number of arrests weremade. This morning it was followed up by the announcement of thecapture of Port Hudson. The guns are pealing for true, and the Yankeesat headquarters may be seen skipping like lambs, for very joy. And Istill disbelieve! Skeptic! The first thing I know that "Era" man willbe coming here to convert me! But I don't, can't, won't believe it!_If_ it is true, --but I find consolation in this faith: it is eithertrue, or not true, --if it is true, it is all for the best, and if it is_not_ true, it is better still. Whichever it is, is for some wisepurpose; so it does not matter, so we wait, pray, and believe. 

 5 o'clock, P. M. 

I don't believe it? What am I crying about then? It seems so hard! Howthe mighty are fallen! Port Hudson gone! Brother believes it. That isenough for me. God bless him! I cry hourly. He is so good andconsiderate. He told me, "Name your friends, and what can be done forthem shall be attended to. The prisoners will be sent here. Maybe Icannot do much; but food and clothing you shall have in abundance forthem when they arrive. " God bless him for his kindness!

O dear, noble men! I am afraid to meet them; I should do somethingfoolish; best take my cry out in private now. May the Lord look down inpity on us! Port Hudson does not matter so much; but these brave, noblecreatures! The "Era" says they had devoured their last mule before theysurrendered. 

 Saturday, July 10th, 10 o'clock P. M. 

I preach patience; but how about practice? I am exasperated! there isthe simple fact. And is it not enough? What a scene I have justwitnessed! A motley crew of thousands of low people of all colorsparading the streets with flags, torches, music, and all otheraccompaniments, shouting, screaming, exulting over the fall of PortHudson and Vicksburg. The "Era" will call it an enthusiasticdemonstration of the loyal citizens of the city; we who saw it fromupper balconies know of what rank these "citizens" were. We saw crowdsof soldiers mixed up with the lowest rabble in the town, workingmen indirty clothes, newsboys, ragged children, negroes, and even _women_walking in the procession, while swarms of negroes and low white womenelbowed each other in a dense mass on the pavement. To see suchcreatures exulting over our misfortune was enough to make one screamwith rage. One of their dozen transparencies was inscribed with "A deadConfederacy. " Fools! The flames are smouldering! They will burst outpresently and consume you! More than half, much more, were negroes. Asthey passed here they raised a yell of "Down with the rebels!" thatmade us gnash our teeth in silence. The Devil possessed me. "O Miriam, help me pray the dear Lord that their flag may burn!" I whispered asthe torches danced around it. And we did pray earnestly--so earnestlythat Miriam's eyes were tightly screwed up; but it must have been awicked prayer, for it was not answered. 

Dr. S---- has out a magnificent display of black cotton grammaticallyinscribed with "Port Hudson and Vicksburg _is_ ours, " garnished with aluminous row of tapers, and, drunk on two bits' worth of lager beer, hehas been shrieking out all Union songs he can think of with his horridchildren until my tympanum is perfectly cracked. Miriam wants to offerhim an extra bottle of lager for the two places of which he claims themonopoly. He would sell his creed for less. Miriam is dying to ask himwhat he has done with the Confederate uniform he sported before theYankees came. His son says they are all Union men over there, and will"lemonate" (illuminate) to-night. A starving seamstress opposite hasstuck six tallow candles in her window; better put them in her stomach!

And I won't believe Vicksburg has surrendered! Port Hudson I am surehas fallen. Alas, for all hopes of serving the brave creatures! therumor is that they have been released on parole. Happily for them; butif it _must_ go, what a blessed privilege it would have been to aid orcomfort them!

 Wednesday, July 15th. 

It is but too true; both have fallen. All Port Hudson privates havebeen paroled, and the officers sent here for exchange. Aye! Aye! I knowsome privates I would rather see than the officers! As yet, only tenthat we know have arrived. All are confined in the Custom-House. Lastevening crowds surrounded the place. We did something dreadful, AdaPeirce, Miriam, and I. We went down to the confectionery; and unable toresist the temptation, made a détour by the Custom-House in hope ofseeing one of our poor dear half-starved mule and rat fed defenders. The crowd had passed away then; but what was our horror when we emergedfrom the river side of the building and turned into Canal, to find thewhole front of the pavement lined with Yankees! Our folly struck us soforcibly that we were almost paralyzed with fear. However, that did notprevent us from endeavoring to hurry past, though I felt as thoughwalking in a nightmare. Ada was brave enough to look up at a windowwhere several of our prisoners were standing, and kept urging us to dolikewise. "Look! He knows you, Sarah! He has called another to see you!They both recognize you! Oh, look, please, and tell me who they are!They are watching you still!" she would exclaim. But if my own dearbrother stood there, I could not have raised my eyes; we only hurriedon faster, with a hundred Yankees eyes fixed on our flying steps. 

My friend Colonel Steadman was one of the commissioners for arrangingthe terms of the capitulation, I see. He has not yet arrived. 

 * * * * *

Dreadful news has come of the defeat of Lee at Gettysburg. Think Ibelieve it all? He may have been defeated; but not one of these reportsof total overthrow and rout do I credit. Yankees jubilant, Southernersdismal. Brother, with principles on one side and brothers on the other, is correspondingly distracted. 

 Saturday, July 18th. 

It may be wrong; I feel very contrite; but still I cannot help thinkingit is an error on the right side. It began by Miriam sending Mr. Conn abox of cigars when she was on Canal the other day, with a note sayingwe would be delighted to assist him in anyway. Poor creature! He wrotean answer which breathed desolation and humility, under his presentsituation, in every line. The cigars, an unexpected kindness, hadtouched a tender cord evidently. He said he had no friends, and wouldbe grateful for our assistance. 

But before his answer arrived, yesterday morning I took it into my headthat Colonel Steadman was also at the Custom-House, though his arrivalhad not been announced, the Yankees declining to publish any more namesto avoid the excitement that follows. So Miriam and I prepared a lunchof chicken, soup, wine, preserves, sardines, and cakes, to send to him. And, fool-like, I sent a note with it. It only contained the same offerof assistance; and I would not object to the town crier's reading it;but it upset Brother's ideas of decorum completely. He said nothing toMiriam's, because that was first offense; but yesterday he met Edmond, who was carrying the basket, and he could not stand the sight ofanother note. I wish he had read it! But he said he would not assumesuch a right. So he came home very much annoyed, and spoke to Miriamabout it. Fortunately for my peace of mind, I was swimming in thebathtub in blissful unconsciousness, else I should have drowned myself. He said, "I want you both to understand that you shall have everythingyou want for the prisoners. Subscribe any sum of money, purchase anyquantity of clothing, send all the food you please, but, for God'ssake, don't write to them! In such a place every man knows the otherhas received a letter, and none know what it contains. I cannot have mysisters' names in everybody's mouth. Never do it again!" All as kindand as considerate for us as ever, and a necessary caution; I love himthe better for it; but I was dismayed for having rendered the reproofnecessary. For three hours I made the most hideous faces at myself andgroaned aloud over Brother's displeasure. He is so good that I wouldrather bite my tongue off than give him a moment's pain. Just now Iwent to him, unable to keep silence any longer, and told him howdistressed I was to have displeased him about that note. "Don't thinkany more about it, only don't do it again, dear, " was his answer. I wasso grateful to him for his gentleness that I was almost hurried into astory. I began, "It is the first time--" when I caught myself and saidboldly, "No, it is not. Colonel Steadman has written to me before, andI have replied. But I promise to you it shall not occur again if I canavoid it. " He was satisfied with the acknowledgment, and I was morethan gratified with his kindness. Yet the error _must_ have been on theright side!

Colonel Steadman wrote back his thanks by Edmond, with heartfeltgratitude for finding such friends in his adversity, and touchingacknowledgments of the acceptable nature of the lunch. His brother andColonel Lock were wounded, though recovering, and he was anxious toknow if I had yet recovered. And that was all, except that he hoped wewould come to see him, and his thanks to Brother for his kind message. Brother had sent him word by one of the prisoners that though he wasnot acquainted with him, yet as his sisters' friend he would be happyto assist him if he needed money or clothing. There was no harm ineither note, and though I would not do it again, I am almost glad I lethim know he still had friends before Brother asked me not to write. 

And as yet we can't see them. A man was bayoneted yesterday for wavingto them, even. It only makes us the more eager to see them. We did seesome. Walking on Rampart Street with the Peirces yesterday, in front ofa splendid private house, we saw sentinels stationed. Upon inquiry welearned that General Gardiner and a dozen others were confined there. Ada and Miriam went wild. If it had not been for dignified Marie, andthat model of propriety, Sarah, there is no knowing but what they wouldhave carried the house by storm. We got them by without seeing a graycoat, when they vowed to pass back, declaring that the street was notrespectable on the block above. We had to follow. So! there they allstood on the balcony above. We thought we recognized General Gardiner, Major Wilson, Major Spratley, and Mr. Dupré. Miriam was sure she did;but even when I put on a bold face, and tried to look, something keptme from seeing; so I had all the appearance of staring, withoutderiving the slightest benefit from it. Wonder what makes me such afool?

Mr. Conn writes that Captain Bradford is wounded, but does not saywhether he is here. 

 Thursday, July 23d. 

It is bad policy to keep us from seeing the prisoners; it just sets uswild about them. Put a creature you don't care for in the least, in asituation that commands sympathy, and nine out of ten girls will falldesperately in love. Here are brave, self-sacrificing, noble men whohave fought heroically for us, and have been forced to surrender byunpropitious fate, confined in a city peopled by their friends andkindred, and as totally isolated from them as though they inhabited theDry Tortugas! Ladies are naturally hero-worshipers. We are dying toshow these unfortunates that we are as proud of their bravery as thoughit had led to victory instead of defeat. Banks wills that they remainin privacy. Consequently our vivid imaginations are constantly occupiedin depicting their sufferings, privations, heroism, and manifoldvirtues, until they have almost become as demigods to us. Even horridlittle Captain C---- has a share of my sympathy in his misfortune!Fancy what must be my feelings where those I consider as gentlemen areconcerned! It is all I can do to avoid a most tender compassion for avery few select ones. Miriam and I are looked on with envy by otheryoung ladies because some twenty or thirty of our acquaintance havealready arrived. To know a Port Hudson defender is considered as thegreatest distinction one need desire. If they would only let us see theprisoners once to sympathize with, and offer to assist them, we wouldnever care to call on them again until they are liberated. But this isaggravating. Of what benefit is it to send them lunch after lunch, whenthey seldom receive it? Colonel Steadman and six others, I am sure, didnot receive theirs on Sunday. We sent with the baskets a number ofcravats and some handkerchiefs I had embroidered for the Colonel. 

Brother should forbid those gentlemen writing, too. Already a dozennotes have been received from them, and what can we do? We can't tellthem not to. Miriam received a letter from Major Spratley this morning, raving about the kindness of the ladies of New Orleans, full of hope offuture successes, and vows to help deliver the noble ladies from thehands of their oppressors, etc. It is a wonder that such a patrioticeffusion could be smuggled out. He kindly assures us that not onlythose of our acquaintance there, but all their brother officers, wouldbe more than happy to see us in their prison. Position of affairsrather reversed since we last met!

BOOK V

 NEW ORLEANS, August, 1863. Friday, 14th. 

Doomed to be bored! To-night Miriam drags me to a _soiree musicale_, and in the midst of my toilet, I sit down with bare shoulders toscratch a dozen lines in my new treasure which has been by me for threedays, untouched. I don't know what tempts me to do it exceptperversity; for I have nothing to say. 

I was in hopes that I would never have occasion to refer to thedisagreeable subject that occupied the last pages of my old journal, but the hope proves fallacious, and wherever I turn, the same subjectis renewed. So there is no longer any reason in waiting until allmention can be avoided. Yesterday a little, sly, snaky creature askedme if I knew "the Hero of Port Hudson. " "Yes, " I said briefly. "Unmistakable! I see it in your face!" she remarked. "See what?" "Thatyou betray yourself. Do you know that every one believes that you areengaged to him?" In surprise I said no; such a thing had never beenmentioned before me until then. "Well! they say so, and add, too, thatyou are to be married as soon as the war is over. " "'They' are payingme an undeserved compliment, " I returned. Where could such a reporthave originated? Not certainly from him, and not, most assuredly, fromme. Where does Dame rumor spring from? He is a stranger here, and Ihave never mentioned his name except to the Peirces, who would no morereport such a thing than I would myself. I won't mind it if it does notreach his ears; but what assurance have I that it will not? That wouldbe unpleasant! Why can't "they say" let everybody settle their ownaffairs?

Here comes Miriam after me! What a bore! What a bore! And she looks asthough it was a pleasure to go out! How I hate it!

Glancing up the page, the date strikes my eye. What tempted me to beginit Friday? My dear Ada would shiver and declare the blank pages werereserved for some very painful, awful, uncomfortable record, or that"something" would happen before the end of it. Nothing very excitingcan happen, except the restoration of peace; and to bring that about, Iwould make a vow to write only on Fridays. 

 Sunday, 16th. 

Coming out of church this morning with Miriam, a young lady ran up withan important air, as though about to create a sensation. "I have amessage for you both, " she said, fixing her eyes on mine as though shesought something in them. "I visit the prisoners frequently, you know, and day before yesterday Captain Steadman requested me to beg you tocall, that he will not take a refusal, but entreated you to come, if itwere only once. " The fates must be against me; I had almost forgottenhis existence, and having received the same message frequently fromanother, I thoughtlessly said, "You mean _Colonel_, do you not?"Fortunately Miriam asked the same question at the instant that I wasbeginning to believe I had done something very foolish. The lady lookedat me with her calm, scrutinizing, disagreeable smile--a smile that hadall the unpleasant insinuations eyes and lips can convey, a smile thatlooked like "I have your secret--you can't deceive _me_"--and said withher piercing gaze, "No, _not_ the Colonel. He was very ill that day(did you know it?) and could not see us. This was _really_ theCaptain. " "He is very kind, " I stammered, and suggested to Miriam thatwe had better pass on. The lady was still eyeing me inquisitively. Decidedly, this is unpleasant to have the reputation of being engagedto a man that every girl is crazy to win! If one only cared for him, itwould not be so unpleasant; but under the circumstances, --_ah ça!_ whydon't they make him over to the young lady whose father openly avows hewould be charmed to have him for a son-in-law? This report has cost memore than one impertinent stare. The young ladies think it a veryenviable position. Let some of them usurp it, then!

So the young lady, not having finished her examination, proposed toaccompany us part of the way. As a recompense, we were regaled withcharming little anecdotes about herself, and her visits. How she hadsent a delightful little custard to the Colonel (here was a side glanceat my demure face) and had carried an autographic album in her lastvisit, and had insisted on their inscribing their names, and writing averse or so. "How interesting!" was my mental comment. "Can a manrespect a woman who thrusts him her album, begging for a compliment thefirst time they meet? What fools they must think us, if they take suchas these for specimens of the genus!"

Did we know Captain Lanier? Know him, no! but how vividly his facecomes before me when I look back to that grand smash-up at Port Hudson, when his face was the last I saw before being thrown, and the first Irecognized when I roused myself from my stupor and found myself in thearms of the young Alabamian. At the sound of his name, I fairly saw thelast ray of sunset flashing over his handsome face, as I saw it then. No, I did not know him. He had spoken to me, begging to be allowed tohold me, and I had answered, entreating him not to touch me, and thatwas all I knew of him; but she did not wait for the reply. She hurriedon to say that she had sent him a bouquet, with a piece of poetry, andthat he had been heard to exclaim, "How beautiful!" on reading it. "And do you know, " she continued, with an air that was meant to becharmingly naïf, but which was not very successful, as naïveté attwenty-nine is rather flat, "I am _so_ much afraid he thinks itoriginal! I forgot to put quotation marks, and it would be _so_ funnyin him to make the mistake! For you know I have not much of the--ofthat sort of thing about me--I am not a poet--poetess, author, youknow. " Said Miriam in her blandest tone, without a touch of sarcasm inher voice, "Oh, if he has ever seen you, the mistake is natural!" If Ihad spoken, my voice would have carried a sting in it. So I waiteduntil I could calmly say, "You know him well, of course. " "No, I neversaw him before!" she answered with a new outburst of naïveté. 

 Monday, August 24th. 

A letter from Captain Bradford to Miriam. My poor Adonis, that I usedto ridicule so unmercifully, what misfortunes have befallen him! Hewrites that during the siege at Port Hudson he had the top of his earshot off (wonder if he lost any of that beautiful golden fleece yclepthis hair?), and had the cap of his knee removed by a shell, besides athird wound he does not specify. Fortunately he is with kind friends. And he gives news of Lydia, most acceptable since such a time haselapsed since we heard from her.... He says, "Tell Miss Sarah that thelast I saw of John, he was crossing the Mississippi in a skiff, hisparole in his pocket, his sweet little sister by his side, " (O youwretch! at it again!) "and Somebody else in his heart. " How considerateto volunteer the last statement! Then followed half a page ofcommendation for his bravery, daring, and skill during the siege (theonly kind word he ever spoke of him, I dare say), all looking as thoughI was to take it as an especial compliment to myself, and was expectedto look foolish, blush, and say "Thanky" for it. As though I care!

 Monday night. 

I consider myself outrageously imposed upon! I am so indignant that Ihave spent a whole evening making faces at myself. "Please, Miss Sarah, look natural!" William petitions. "I never saw you look cross before. "Good reason! I never had more cause! However, I stop in the midst of ahideous grimace, and join in a game of hide the switch with thechildren to forget my annoyance. 

Of course a woman is at the bottom of it. Last night while Ada andMarie were here, a young lady whose name I decline to reveal for thesake of the sex, stopped at the door with an English officer, and askedto see me in the entry. I had met her once before. Remember this, forthat is the chief cause of my anger. Of course they were invited in;but she declined, saying she had but a moment, and had a message todeliver to me alone, so led me apart. "Of course you know who it isfrom?" she began. I told a deliberate falsehood, and said no, though Iguessed instantly. She told me the name then. She had visited theprison the day before, and there had met the individual whose name, joined to mine, has given me more trouble and annoyance during the lastfew months than it would be possible to mention. "And our entireconversation was about you, " she said, as though to flatter my vanityimmensely. He told her then that he had written repeatedly to me, without receiving an answer, and at last had written again, in which hehad used some expressions which he feared had offended my reserveddisposition. Something had made me angry, for without returning letteror message to say I was not displeased, I had maintained a resolutesilence, which had given him more pain and uneasiness than he couldsay. That during all this time he had had no opportunity of explainingit to me, and that now he begged her to tell me that he would notoffend me for worlds--that he admired me more than any one he had evermet, that he could not help saying what he did, but was distressed atoffending me, etc. The longest explanation! And she was directed to begme to explain my silence, and let him know if I was really offended, and also leave no entreaty or argument untried to induce me to visitthe prison; he _must_ see me. 

As to visiting the prison, I told her that was impossible. (O how gladI am that I never did!) But as to the letters, told her "to assure himthat I had not thought of them in that light, and had passed over theexpressions he referred to as idle words it would be ridiculous to takeoffense at; and that my only reason for persevering in this silence hadbeen that Brother disapproved of my writing to gentlemen, and I hadpromised that I would not write to him. That I had feared he wouldmisconstrue my silence, and had wished to explain it to him, but I hadno means of doing so except by breaking my promise; and so hadpreferred leaving all explanation to time, and some futureopportunity. "

"But you did not mean to pain him, did you?" the dear little creaturecoaxingly lisped, standing on tiptoe to kiss me as she spoke. I assuredher that I had not. "He has been dangerously ill, " she continued, apologizingly, "and sickness has made him more morbid and more unhappyabout it than he would otherwise have been. It has distressed him agreat deal. "

I felt awkwardly. How was it that this girl, meeting him for the firstand only time in her life, had contrived to learn so much that she hadno right to know, and appeared here as mediator between two who werestrangers to her, so far usurping a place she was not entitled to, asto apologize to _me_ for his sensitiveness, and to entreat me to tellhim he had not forfeited my esteem, as though _she_ was his mostintimate friend, and I a passing acquaintance? Failing to comprehendit, I deferred it to a leisure moment to think over, and in the meantime exerted myself to be affable. 

I can't say half she spoke of, but as she was going she said, "Thenwill you give me permission to say as many sweet things for you as Ican think of? I'm going there to-morrow. " I told her I would be afraidto give her _carte blanche_ on such a subject; but that she wouldreally oblige me by explaining about the letters. She promised, andafter another kiss, and a few whispered words, left me. 

Maybe she exaggerated, though! Uncharitable as the supposition was, itwas a consolation. I was unwilling to believe that any one whoprofessed to esteem me would make me the subject of conversation with astranger--and such a conversation! So my comfort was only in hopingthat she had related a combination of truth and fiction, and that hehad not been guilty of such folly. 

Presently it grew clearer to me. I must be growing in wickedness, tofathom that of others, I who so short a time ago disbelieved in thevery existence of such a thing. I remembered having heard that theyoung lady and her family were extremely anxious to form hisacquaintance, and that her cousin had coolly informed Ada that she hadselected him among all others, and meant to have him for a "beau" assoon as she could be introduced to him; I remembered that the younglady herself had been very anxious to discover whether the reputationcommon report had given me had any foundation. 

As soon as we were alone, I told mother of our conversation in theentry, and said, "And now I am certain that this girl has made use ofmy name to become acquainted with him. "

 Thursday, 10th September. 

O my prophetic soul! part of your forebodings are already verified! Andin what an unpleasant way!

Day before yesterday an English officer, not the one who came here, butone totally unknown to me, said at Mrs. Peirce's he was going to visitthe Confederate prisoners. He was asked if he knew any. Slightly, hesaid; but he was going this time by request; he had any quantity ofmessages to deliver to Colonel ---- from Miss Sarah Morgan. "How canthat be possible, since you are not acquainted with her?" Ada demanded. He had the impudence to say that the young lady I have alreadymentioned had requested him to deliver them for her, since she found itimpossible. Fortunately for me, I have two friends left. Feeling theindelicacy of the thing, and knowing that there must be some mistakethat might lead to unpleasant consequences, Ada and Marie, my goodangels, insisted on hearing the messages. At first he refused, sayingthat they were entrusted to him confidentially; but being assured thatthey were really intimate with me, whereas the other was a perfectstranger, and that I would certainly not object to their hearing what Icould tell a gentleman, he yielded, fortunately for my peace of mind, and told all. 

I can't repeat it. I was too horrified to hear all, when they told me. What struck me as being most shocking was my distorted explanationabout the letters. It now set forth that I was not allowed to writemyself, but would be happy to have him write to me; then there was anearnest assurance that my _feelings_ toward him had not changed in theleast--

Here I sprang from my chair and rushed to the window for a breath ofair, wringing my hands in speechless distress. How a word more or less, an idea omitted or added, a syllable misplaced, can transform a wholesentence, and make what was before harmless, really shocking!

And if it had not been for Ada and Marie--! Blessed angels! theyentreated him not to deliver any of his messages, insisting that theremust be a mistake, that if he knew me he would understand that it wasimpossible for me to have sent such a message by a stranger. Andalthough at first he declared he felt obliged to discharge the taskimposed on him, they finally succeeded in persuading him to relinquishthe errand, promising to be responsible for the consequences. 

"Ah me!" I gasped last night, making frantic grimaces in the dark, andpinching myself in disgust, "why can't they let me alone?... Owomen--women! I wish he could marry all of you, so you would let mealone! Take him, please; but _en grâce_ don't disgrace me in theexcitement of the race!"

 Friday, 25th. 

Write me down a witch, a prophetess, or what you will. I am certainlysomething! All has come to pass on that very disagreeable subject verymuch as I feared. Perhaps no one in my position would speak freely onthe subject; for that very reason I shall not hesitate to discuss it. 

Know, then, that this morning, He went North along with many otherConfederate prisoners, to be exchanged. And he left--he who has writtenso incessantly and so imploringly for me to visit his prison--he leftwithout seeing me. Bon! Wonder what happened?

 * * * * * * * * * * *

 Evening. 

I have learned more. He has not yet left; part of the mystery isunraveled, only I have neither patience nor desire to seek for more. These women--! Hush! to slander is too much like them; be yourself. 

My sweet little lisper informed a select circle of friends the othernight, when questioned, that the individual had not called on me, and, what was more, would not do so. "Pray, how do you happen to be sointimately acquainted with the affairs of two who are strangers toyou?" asked a lady present. She declined saying how she had obtainedher information, only asserting that it was so. "In fact, you cannotexpect _any_ Confederate _gentleman_ to call at the house of JudgeMorgan, a professed Unionist, " she continued. So that is the story shetold to keep him from seeing me. She has told him that we had turnedYankees! All her arts would not grieve me as much as one word againstBrother. My wrongs I can forget; but one word of contempt for Brother I_never_ forgive! White with passion I said to my informant, "Will youinform the young lady that her visit will never be returned, that sheis requested not to repeat hers, and that I decline knowing any one whodares cast the slightest reflection on the name of one who has beenboth father and brother to me!" This evening I was at a house where shewas announced. Miriam and I bade our hostess good-evening and leftwithout speaking to her. Anybody but Brother! No one shall utter hisname before me save with respect and regard. 

This young woman's father is a Captain in the Yankee navy, and herbrother is a Captain in the Yankee army, while three other brothers arein the Confederate. Like herself, I have three brothers fighting forthe South; unlike her, the only brother who avows himself a Unionisthas too much regard for his family to take up arms against his ownflesh and blood. 

 Tuesday, October 6th. 

I hope this will be the last occasion on which I shall refer to thetopic to which this unfortunate book seems to have been devoted. But itgives me a grim pleasure to add a link to the broken chain of thecurious story, now and then. Maybe some day the missing links will besupplied me, and then I can read the little humdrum romance of Whatmight have been, or What I'm glad never was, as easily as Marie tellsher rosary. 

Well! the prisoners have gone at last, to my unspeakable satisfaction. Day before yesterday they left. Now I can go out as I please, withoutfear of meeting him face to face. How odd that I should feel like aculprit! But that is in accordance with my usual judgment andconsistency. Friday, I had a severe fright. Coming up Camp Street withAda, after a ramble on Canal, we met two Confederates. Everywhere thatmorning we had met gray coats, but none that I recognized. Still, without looking, I saw through my eyelids, as it were, two handstimidly touch two gray caps, as though the question "May I?" had notyet been answered. In vain I endeavored to meet their eyes, or give thefaintest token of greeting. I was too frightened and embarrassed tospeak, and only by a desperate effort succeeded in bending my head in adoubtful bow, that would have disgraced a dairy maid, after we hadpassed. Then, disgusted with myself, I endeavored to be comforted withthe idea that they had perhaps mistaken me for some one else; thathaving known me at a time when I was unable to walk, they could have noidea of my height and figure, or walk. So I reasoned, turning down aside street. Lo! at a respectable distance they were following! We hadoccasion to go into a daguerreau salon. While standing in the light, two gray uniforms, watching us from the dark recess at the door, attracted my attention. Pointing them out to Ada, I hurried her pastthem downstairs to the street. Faster and faster we walked, until atthe corner I turned to look. There they were again, saunteringleisurely along. We turned into another street, mingled in the crowd, and finally lost sight of them. That fright lasted me an hour or two. Whose purse have I stolen, that I am afraid to look these men in theface?

But what has this to do with what I meant to tell? How loosely anddisconnectedly my ideas run out with the ink from my pen! I meant tosay how sorry I am for my dear little lisper that she failed in herefforts to conquer the "Hero"; and here I have drifted off in a page oftrash that does not concern her in the least. Well! she did notsucceed, and whatever she told him was told in vain, as far as _she_was concerned. He was not to be caught! What an extraordinary man!Dozens fighting for the preference, and he in real, or pretendedignorance. 

I must do him the justice to say he is the most guileless, as well asthe most honest of mortals. He told the mother of a rich and prettydaughter what he thought of me; that my superior did not exist onearth, and my equal he had never met. Ha! ha! this pathetic story makesme laugh in spite of myself. Is it excess of innocence, or just a rôlehe adopted? Stop! His idle word is as good as an oath. He could notpretend to what he did not believe. He told her of his earnest andsincere admiration--words! words! hurry on! She asked how it wasthen--? Here he confessed, with a mixture of pride and penitence, thathe had written me letters which absolutely required answers, and towhich I had never deigned to reply by even a word. That, mortifiedbeyond measure at my silent contempt, he had tried every means ofascertaining the cause of my coldness, but I had never vouchsafed ananswer, but had left him to feel the full force of my harsh treatmentwithout one word of explanation. That when he was paroled, he had hopedthat I would see him to tell him wherein he had forfeited my esteem;but I had not invited him to call, and mortified and repulsed as he hadbeen, it was impossible for him to call without my permission.... Didmy little lisper change the message when the little midshipman told herit had been intercepted because too friendly? I know she met thismartyred Lion frequently after that and had many opportunities oftelling him the simple truth, but she evidently _did not_. 

He has gone away with sorely wounded feelings, to say nothing more; forthat I am sincerely sorry; but I trust to his newly acquired freedom, and his life of danger and excitement, to make him forget the wrongs hebelieves himself to have suffered at my hands. If it was all to be gonethrough again (which thank Heaven, I will never be called upon toendure again), I would follow Brother's advice as implicitly then as Idid before. He is right, and without seeing, I believe. They tell me ofhis altered looks, and of his forced, reckless gaiety which, sostrangely out of keeping with his natural character, but makes hisassumed part more conspicuous. No matter! He will recover! Nothing likea sea voyage for disorders of all kinds. And we will never meet again;that is another consolation. 

"Notice: The public are hereby informed through Mrs. ----, ChiefManager of the Theatre of High Tragedy, that Miss Sarah M. , having beenproved unworthy and incompetent to play the rôle of Ariadne, said partwill hereafter be filled by Miss Blank, of Blank Street, who plays itwith a fidelity so true to nature that she could hardly be surpassed bythe original. "

 Monday, November 9th. 

Another odd link of the old, stale story has come to me, all the wayfrom New York. A friend of mine, who went on the same boat with theprisoners, wrote to her mother to tell her that she had formed theacquaintance of the most charming, fascinating gentleman among them, noother than my _once_ friend. Of course, she would have been less than awoman if she had not gossiped when she discovered who he was. So shesends me word that he told her he had been made to believe, as long ashe was on parole in New Orleans, that we were all Unionists now, andthat Brother would not allow a Confederate to enter the house. (O mylittle lisper, was I unjust to you?) He told her that I had been verykind to him when he was in prison, and he would have forgotten the restand gladly have called to thank me in person for the kindness he sogratefully remembered, if I alone had been concerned; but he felt hecould not force himself unasked into my brother's house.... 

She told him how false it was. 

 Sunday, November 22d. 

A report has just reached us that my poor dear Gibbes has been takenprisoner along with the rest of Hayes's brigade. 

 November 26th. 

Yes! It is so, if his own handwriting is any proof. Mr. Appleton hasjust sent Brother a letter he had received from Gibbes, asking him tolet Brother know he was a prisoner, and we have heard, through some oneelse, that he had been sent to Sandusky. Brother has applied to havehim paroled and sent here, or even imprisoned here, if he cannot beparoled. 

 Monday, November 30th. 

Our distress about Gibbes has been somewhat relieved by good news fromJimmy. The jolliest sailor letter from him came this morning, datedonly the 4th instant from Cherbourg, detailing his cruise on theGeorgia from leaving England, to Bahia, Trinidad, Cape of Good Hope, toFrance again. Such a bright, dashing letter! We laughed extravagantlyover it when he told how they readily evaded the Vanderbilt, knowingshe would knock them into "pie"; how he and the French Captainquarreled when he ordered him to show his papers, and how he did notknow French abuse enough to enter into competition with him, so wentback a first and second time to Maury when the man would not let himcome aboard, whereupon Maury brought the ship to with two or threeshots and Jimmy made a third attempt, and forced the Frenchman to showhis papers. He tells it in such a matter-of-fact way! No extravagance, no idea of having been in a dangerous situation, he a boy of eighteen, on a French ship in spite of the Captain's rage. What a jolly life itmust be! Now dashing in storms and danger, now floating in sunshine andfun! Wish I was a midshipman! Then how he changes, in describing theprize with an assorted cargo that they took, which contained all thingsfrom a needle to pianos, from the reckless spurt in which he speaks ofthe plundering, to where he tells of how the Captain, having diedseveral days before, was brought on the Georgia while Maury read theservice over the body and consigned it to the deep by the flames of thedead man's own vessel. What noble, tender, manly hearts it shows, thoserough seamen stopping in their work of destruction to perform the lastrites over their dead enemy. One can fancy their bare heads andsunburned faces standing in solemn silence around the poor dead manwhen he dropped into his immense grave. God bless the "pirates"!

 Thursday night, December 31st, 1863. 

The last of eighteen sixty-three is passing away as I write.... EveryNew Year since I was in my teens, I have sought a quiet spot where Icould whisper to myself Tennyson's "Death of the Old Year, " and eventhis bitter cold night I steal into my freezing, fireless little room, _en robe de nuit_, to keep up my old habit while the others sleep.... 

 "Old year, you shall not die; We did so laugh and cry with you, I've half a mind to die with you, Old year, if you must die. "

No! Go and welcome! Bring Peace and brighter days, O dawning New Year. Die, faster and faster, Old One; I count your remaining moments withalmost savage glee. 

 Wednesday, February 3d. 

Last night we were thrown into the most violent state of commotion bythe unexpected entrance of Captain Bradford. He has been brought here aprisoner, from Asphodel, where he has been ever since the surrender ofPort Hudson, and taking advantage of his tri-weekly parole, his firstvisit was naturally here, as he has no other friends. 

Poor creature, how he must have suffered! The first glance at hisaltered face where suffering and passion have both left their tracesunmistakably since we last met, and the mere sight of his poor lameleg, filled my heart with compassion. 

 * * * * *

How he hates Mr. Halsey! I could not forego the pleasure of provokinghim into a discussion about him, knowing how they hated each other. Hewould not say anything against him; understand, that as a gentleman anda companion, Mr. Halsey was his warmest and best friend; there was noone he admired more; but he must say that as a soldier, he was theworst he had ever seen--not that he was not as brave and gallant a manas ever lived, but he neglected his duties most shamefully whilevisiting Linwood so constantly, eluding the sentinels daily as he askedfor neither pass nor permission, and consulting only his inclinationsinstead of his superior officers or his business. And that last nightat Linwood, when he absented himself without leave, why could he nothave signified to him, his Captain, that he wished to say good-bye, instead of quietly doing as he pleased? When the Colonel sent for areport of the number of men, quantity of forage and ammunition, etc. , and it was discovered that John Halsey was absent without leave, withthe books locked up and the keys in his pocket--even after this lapseof time, the fire flashed through the ice as the Captain spoke. Sergeant Halsey, I am sorry for you when you reported yourself nextday! All the fun that could have been crowded into an evening atLinwood could not have repaid you for the morning's scene. And afterall, what was it beyond very empty pleasure, with a great deal oflaughter? He could have dispensed with it just as well. Looking back, Icongratulate myself on being the only one who did not ask him to stay. 

 5th. 

Not dead! not dead! O my God! Gibbes is _not_ dead! Where--O dear God!Another?

Only a few days ago came a letter so cheerful and hopeful--we havewaited and prayed so patiently--at my feet lies one from ColonelSteadman saying he is dead. Dead! Suddenly and without a moment'swarning summoned to God! No! it cannot be! I am mad! O God, have mercyon us! My poor mother! And Lydia! Lydia! God comfort you! My brainseems afire. Am I mad? Not yet! God would not take him yet! He willcome again! Hush, God is good! Not dead! not dead!

O Gibbes, come back to us!

 11th. 

O God, O God, have mercy on us! George is dead! Both in a week. George, our sole hope--our sole dependence. 

 March. 

Dead! Dead! Both dead! O my brothers! What have we lived for exceptyou? We, who would have so gladly laid down our lives for yours, areleft desolate to mourn over all we loved and hoped for, weak andhelpless; while you, so strong, noble, and brave, have gone before uswithout a murmur. God knows best. But it is hard--O so hard! to givethem up.... 

If we had had any warning or preparation, this would not have been sounspeakably awful. But to shut one's eyes to all dangers and risks, anddrown every rising fear with "God will send them back; I will not doubtHis mercy, " and then suddenly to learn that your faith has beenpresumption--and God wills that you shall undergo bitter affliction--itis a fearful awakening! What glory have we ever rendered to God that weshould expect him to be so merciful to us? Are not all things His, andis not He infinitely more tender and compassionate than we deserve?

We have deceived ourselves wilfully about both. After the first dismayon hearing of Gibbes's capture, we readily listened to the assertionsof our friends that Johnson's Island was the healthiest place in theworld; that he would be better off, comfortably clothed and undershelter, than exposed to shot and shell, half fed, and lying on thebare ground during Ewell's winter campaign. We were thankful for hissafety, knowing Brother would leave nothing undone that could add tohis comfort. And besides that, there was the sure hope of his havinghim paroled. On that hope we lived all winter--now confident that in alittle while he would be with us, then again doubting for a while, onlyto have the hope grow surer afterwards. And so we waited and prayed, never doubting he would come at last. He himself believed it, thoughstriving not to be too hopeful lest he should disappoint us, as well ashimself. Yet he wrote cheerfully and bravely to the last. Towards themiddle of January, Brother was sure of succeeding, as all the prisonershad been placed under Butler's control. Ah me! How could we be soblind? We were sure he would be with us in a few weeks! I wrote to himthat I had prepared his room. 

On the 30th of January came his last letter, addressed to me, thoughmeant for Lavinia. It was dated the 12th--the day George died. All hisletters pleaded that I would write more frequently--he loved to hearfrom me; so I had been writing to him every ten days. On the 3d ofFebruary I sent my last. Friday the 5th, as I was running throughMiriam's room, I saw Brother pass the door, and heard him ask Miriamfor mother. The voice, the bowed head, the look of utter despair on hisface, struck through me like a knife. "Gibbes! Gibbes!" was my solethought; but Miriam and I stood motionless looking at each otherwithout a word. "Gibbes is dead, " said mother as he stood before her. He did not speak; and then we went in. 

We did not ask how, or when. That he was dead was enough for us. Butafter a while he told us Uncle James had written that he had died attwo o'clock on Thursday the 21st. Still we did not know how he haddied. Several letters that had been brought remained unopened on thefloor. One, Brother opened, hoping to learn something more. It was fromColonel Steadman to Miriam and me, written a few hours after his death, and contained the sad story of our dear brother's last hours. 

He had been in Colonel Steadman's ward of the hospital for more than aweek, with headache and sore throat, but it was thought nothing; heseemed to improve, and expected to be discharged in a few days. On the21st he complained that his throat pained him again. After prescribingfor him, and talking cheerfully with him for some time, ColonelSteadman left him surrounded by his friends, to attend to his otherpatients. He had hardly reached his room when some one ran to himsaying Captain Morgan was dying. He hurried to his bedside, and foundhim dead. Captain Steadman, sick in the next bed, and those around him, said he had been talking pleasantly with them, when he sat up to reachhis cup of water on the table. As soon as he drank it he seemed tosuffocate; and after tossing his arms wildly in the air, and makingseveral fearful efforts to breathe, he died. 

 * * * * *

"Hush, mother, hush, " I said when I heard her cries. "We have Brotherand George and Jimmy left, and Lydia has lost all!" Heaven pity us!George had gone before--only He in mercy kept the knowledge of it fromus for a while longer. 

On Thursday the 11th, as we sat talking to mother, striving to make herforget the weary days we had cried through with that fearful sound of"Dead! Dead!" ringing ever in our ears, some one asked for Miriam. Shewent down, and presently I heard her thanking somebody for a letter. "You could not have brought me anything more acceptable! It is from mysister, though she can hardly have heard from us yet!" I ran back, andsitting at mother's feet, told her Miriam was coming with a letter fromLydia. Mother cried at the mention of her name. O my little sister! Youknow how dear you are to us! "Mother! Mother!" a horrible voice cried, and before I could think who it was, Miriam rushed in, holding an openletter in her hand, and perfectly wild. "George is dead!" she shrieked, and fell heavily to the ground. 

O my God! I could have prayed Thee to take mother, too, when I lookedat her. I thought--I almost hoped she was dead, and that pang spared!But I was wild myself. I could have screamed!--laughed! "It is false!Do you hear me, mother? God would not take both! George is not dead!" Icried, trying in vain to arouse her from her horrible state or bringone ray of reason to her eye. I spoke to a body alive only to pain; nota sound of my voice seemed to reach her; only fearful moans showed shewas yet alive. 

Miriam lay raving on the ground. Poor Miriam! her heart's idol tornaway. God help my darling! I did not understand that George _could_ dieuntil I looked at her. In vain I strove to raise her from the ground, or check her wild shrieks for death. "George! only George!" she wouldcry; until at last, with the horror of seeing both die before me, Imastered strength enough to go for the servant and bid her run quicklyfor Brother. 

How long I stood there alone, I never knew. I remember Ada coming inhurriedly and asking what it was. I told her George was dead. It was arelief to see her cry. I could not; but I felt the pain afresh, asthough it were her brother she was crying over, not mine. And the sightof her tears brought mine, too. We could only cry over mother andMiriam; we could not rouse them; we did not know what to do. 

Some one called me in the entry. I went, not understanding what I wasdoing. A lady came to me, told me her name, and said something aboutGeorge; but I could not follow what she said. It was as though she wastalking in a dream. I believe she repeated the words several times, forat last she shook me and said, "Listen! Rouse yourself! the letter isabout George!" Yes, I said; he is dead. She said I must read theletter; but I could not see, so she read it aloud. It was from Dr. Mitchell, his friend who was with him when he died, telling of hissickness and death. He died on Tuesday the 12th of January, after anillness of six days, conscious to the last and awaiting the end as onlya Christian, and one who has led so beautiful a life, could, with theGrace of God, look for it. He sent messages to his brothers andsisters, and bade them tell his mother his last thoughts were of her, and that he died trusting in the mercy of the Saviour. George! ourpride! our beautiful, angel brother! _Could_ he die? Surely God hassent all these afflictions within these three years to teach us thatour hopes must be placed Above, and that it is blasphemy to haveearthly idols!

The letter said that the physicians had mistaken his malady, which wasinflammation of the bowels, and he had died from being treated forsomething else. It seemed horrible cruelty to read me that part; I knewthat if mother or Miriam ever heard of it, it would kill them. So Ibegged Mrs. Mitchell never to let them hear of it. She seemed to thinknothing of the pain it would inflict; how could she help telling ifthey asked? she said. I told her I must insist on her not mentioningit; it would only add suffering to what was already insupportable; ifthey asked for the letter, offer to read it aloud, but say positivelythat she would not allow any one to touch it except herself, and thenshe might pass it over in silence. I roused Miriam then and sent her tohear it read. She insisted on reading it herself, and half dead withgrief held out her hands, begging piteously to be suffered to read italone. I watched then until I was sure Mrs. Mitchell would keep herpromise. Horrible as I knew it to be from strange lips, I knew by whatI experienced that I had saved her from a shock that might cost her herlife; and then I went back to mother. 

No need to conceal what I felt there! She neither spoke nor saw. If Ihad shrieked that he died of ill treatment, she would not haveunderstood. But I sat there silently with that horrible secret, wondering if God would help me bear it, or if despair would deprive meof self-control and force me presently to cry it aloud, though itshould kill them both. 

At last Brother came. I had to meet him downstairs and tell him. Godspare me the sight of a strong man's grief! Then Sister came in, knowing as little as he. Poor Sister! I could have blessed her forevery tear she shed. It was a comfort to see some one who had life orfeeling left. I felt as though the whole world was dead. Nothing wasreal, nothing existed except horrible speechless pain. Life was afearful dream through which but one thought ran--"Dead--Dead!"

Miriam had been taken to her room more dead than alive--Mother layspeechless in hers. The shock of this second blow had obliterated, withthem, all recollection of the first. It was a mercy I envied them; forI remembered both, until loss of consciousness would have seemed ablessing. I shall never forget mother's shriek of horror when towardsevening she recalled it. O those dreadful days of misery andwretchedness! It seems almost sacrilege to refer to them now. They areburied in our hearts with our boys--thought of with prayers and tears. 

How will the world seem to us now? What will life be without the boys?When this terrible strife is over, and so many thousands return totheir homes, what will peace bring us of all we hoped? Jimmy! DearLord, spare us that one!

 November 2d, 1864. 

This morning we heard Jimmy is engaged to Helen Trenholm, daughter ofthe Secretary of the Confederate States. He wrote asking Brother'sconsent, saying they had been engaged since August, though he had hadno opportunity of writing until that day--the middle of September. Icried myself blind. It seems that our last one is gone. But this is thefirst selfish burst of feeling. Later I shall come to my senses andlove my sister that is to be. But my darling! my darling! O Jimmy! Howcan I give you up? You have been so close to me since Harry died!

Alone now; best so. 

 NO. 19 DAUPHINE ST. , Saturday night, December 31st, 1864. 

One year ago, in my little room in the Camp Street house, I satshivering over Tennyson and my desk, selfishly rejoicing over thedeparture of a year that had brought pain and discomfort only to me, and eagerly welcoming the dawning of the New One whose first days wereto bring death to George and Gibbes, and whose latter part was toseparate me from Miriam, and brings me news of Jimmy's approachingmarriage. O sad, dreary, fearful Old Year! I see you go with pain!Bitter as you have been, how do we know what the coming one has instore for us? What new changes will it bring? Which of us will it take?I am afraid of eighteen sixty-five, and have felt a vague dread of itfor several years past. 

Nothing remains as it was a few months ago. Miriam went to Lilly, inthe Confederacy, on the 19th of October (ah! Miriam!), and mother and Ihave been boarding with Mrs. Postlethwaite ever since. I miss hersadly. Not as much, though, as I would were I less engaged. For sincethe first week in August, I have been teaching the children for Sister;and since we have been here, I go to them every morning instead oftheir coming to me. Starting out at half-past eight daily, andreturning a little before three, does not leave me much time formelancholy reflections. And there is no necessity for indulging in themat present; they only give pain. 

 NO. 211 CAMP ST. , April 19th, 1865. 

"All things are taken from us, and become portions and parcels of thedreadful pasts. "... 

Thursday the 13th came the dreadful tidings of the surrender of Lee andhis army on the 9th. Everybody cried, but I would not, satisfied thatGod will still save us, even though all should apparently be lost. Followed at intervals of two or three hours by the announcement of thecapture of Richmond, Selma, Mobile, and Johnston's army, even thestanchest Southerners were hopeless. Every one proclaimed Peace, andthe only matter under consideration was whether Jeff Davis, allpoliticians, every man above the rank of Captain in the army and abovethat of Lieutenant in the navy, should be hanged immediately, or _some_graciously pardoned. Henry Ward Beecher humanely pleaded mercy for us, supported by a small minority. Davis and all leading men _must_ beexecuted; the blood of the others would serve to irrigate the country. Under this lively prospect, Peace, blessed Peace! was the cry. Iwhispered, "Never! Let a great earthquake swallow us up first! Let usleave our land and emigrate to any desert spot of the earth, ratherthan return to the Union, even as it Was!"

Six days this has lasted. Blessed with the silently obstinatedisposition, I would not dispute, but felt my heart swell, repeating, "God is our refuge and our strength, a very present help in time oftrouble, " and could not for an instant believe this could end in anoverthrow. 

This morning, when I went down to breakfast at seven, Brother read theannouncement of the assassination of Lincoln and Secretary Seward. 

"Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. " This is murder! Godhave mercy on those who did it!

 * * * * *

Charlotte Corday killed Marat in his bath, and is held up in history asone of Liberty's martyrs, and one of the heroines of her country. Tome, it is all murder. Let historians extol blood-shedding; it iswoman's place to abhor it. And because I know that they would haveapotheosized any man who had crucified Jeff Davis, I abhor this, andcall it foul murder, unworthy of our cause--and God grant it was onlythe temporary insanity of a desperate man that committed this crime!Let not his blood be visited on our nation, Lord!

Across the way, a large building, undoubtedly inhabited by officers, isbeing draped in black. Immense streamers of black and white hang fromthe balcony. Downtown, I understand, all shops are closed, and allwrapped in mourning. And I hardly dare pray God to bless us, with thecrape hanging over the way. It would have been banners, if ourPresident had been killed, though!

 Saturday, 22d April. 

To see a whole city draped in mourning is certainly an imposingspectacle, and becomes almost grand when it is considered as anexpression of universal affliction. So it is, in one sense. For themore violently "Secesh" the inmates, the more thankful they are forLincoln's death, the more profusely the houses are decked with theemblems of woe. They all look to me like "not sorry for him, butdreadfully grieved to be forced to this demonstration. " So all thingshave indeed assumed a funereal aspect. Men who have hated Lincoln withall their souls, under terror of confiscation and imprisonment whichthey _understand_ is the alternative, tie black crape from everypracticable knob and point to save their homes. Last evening the B----swere all in tears, preparing their mourning. What sensibility! Whatpatriotism! a stranger would have exclaimed. But Bella's first remarkwas: "Is it not horrible? This vile, _vile_ old crape! Think of hangingit out when--" Tears of rage finished the sentence. One would havethought pity for the murdered man had very little to do with it. 

Coming back in the cars, I had a _rencontre_ that makes me gnash myteeth yet. It was after dark, and I was the only lady in a car crowdedwith gentlemen. I placed little Miriam on my lap to make room for someof them, when a great, dark man, all in black, entered, and took theseat and my left hand at the same instant, saying, "Good-evening, MissSarah. " Frightened beyond measure to recognize Captain Todd[21] of theYankee army in my interlocutor, I, however, preserved a quiet exterior, and without the slightest demonstration answered, as though replying toan internal question. "Mr. Todd. " "It is a long while since we met, " heventured. "Four years, " I returned mechanically. "You have been well?""My health has been bad. " "I have been ill myself"; and determined tobreak the ice he diverged with "Baton Rouge has changed sadly. " "I hopeI shall never see it again. We have suffered too much to recall homewith any pleasure. " "I understand you have suffered severely, " he said, glancing at my black dress. "We have yet one left in the army, though, "I could not help saying. He, too, had a brother there, he said. 

 [21] A cousin of Mrs. Lincoln. 

He pulled the check-string as we reached the house, adding, "This isit, " and absurdly correcting himself with "Where do you live?"--"211. Ithank you. Good-evening"; the last with emphasis as he prepared tofollow. He returned the salutation, and I hurriedly regained the house. Monsieur stood over the way. A look through the blinds showed himreturning to his domicile, several doors below. 

I returned to my own painful reflections. The Mr. Todd who was my"sweetheart" when I was twelve and he twenty-four, who was my brother'sfriend, and daily at our home, was put away from among our acquaintanceat the beginning of the war. This one, I should not know. Cords ofcandy and mountains of bouquets bestowed in childish days will not makemy country's enemy my friend now that I am a woman. 

 Tuesday, May 2d, 1865. 

While praying for the return of those who have fought so nobly for us, how I have dreaded their first days at home! Since the boys died, Ihave constantly thought of what pain it would bring to see theircomrades return without them--to see families reunited, and know thatours never could be again, save in heaven. Last Saturday, the 29th ofApril, seven hundred and fifty paroled Louisianians from Lee's armywere brought here--the sole survivors of ten regiments who left fouryears ago so full of hope and determination. On the 29th of April, 1861, George left New Orleans with his regiment. On the fourthanniversary of that day, they came back; but George and Gibbes havelong been lying in their graves.... 

 June 15th. 

Our Confederacy has gone with one crash--the report of the pistol firedat Lincoln. 

THE END

Reading this for the first time, in all these many years, I wish tobear record that God never failed me, through stranger vicissitudesthan I ever dared record. Whatever the anguish, whatever the extremity, in His own good time He ever delivered me. So that I bless Him to-dayfor all of life's joys and sorrows--for all He gave--for all He hastaken--and I bear witness that it was all Very Good. 

 SARAH MORGAN DAWSON. 

July 23d, 1896. CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA. 

The Riverside PressCAMBRIDGE . MASSACHUSETTSU . S . A