A CONNECTICUT YANKEE IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT by MARK TWAIN (Samuel L. Clemens) Part 8. CHAPTER XXXVI AN ENCOUNTER IN THE DARK London--to a slave--was a sufficiently interesting place. It wasmerely a great big village; and mainly mud and thatch. The streetswere muddy, crooked, unpaved. The populace was an ever flockingand drifting swarm of rags, and splendors, of nodding plumes andshining armor. The king had a palace there; he saw the outsideof it. It made him sigh; yes, and swear a little, in a poorjuvenile sixth century way. We saw knights and grandees whomwe knew, but they didn't know us in our rags and dirt and rawwelts and bruises, and wouldn't have recognized us if we had hailedthem, nor stopped to answer, either, it being unlawful to speakwith slaves on a chain. Sandy passed within ten yards of me ona mule--hunting for me, I imagined. But the thing which cleanbroke my heart was something which happened in front of our oldbarrack in a square, while we were enduring the spectacle of a manbeing boiled to death in oil for counterfeiting pennies. It wasthe sight of a newsboy--and I couldn't get at him! Still, I hadone comfort--here was proof that Clarence was still alive andbanging away. I meant to be with him before long; the thought wasfull of cheer. I had one little glimpse of another thing, one day, which gave mea great uplift. It was a wire stretching from housetop to housetop. Telegraph or telephone, sure. I did very much wish I had a littlepiece of it. It was just what I needed, in order to carry out myproject of escape. My idea was to get loose some night, along withthe king, then gag and bind our master, change clothes with him, batter him into the aspect of a stranger, hitch him to the slave-chain, assume possession of the property, march to Camelot, and-- But you get my idea; you see what a stunning dramatic surpriseI would wind up with at the palace. It was all feasible, ifI could only get hold of a slender piece of iron which I couldshape into a lock-pick. I could then undo the lumbering padlockswith which our chains were fastened, whenever I might choose. But I never had any luck; no such thing ever happened to fallin my way. However, my chance came at last. A gentleman whohad come twice before to dicker for me, without result, or indeedany approach to a result, came again. I was far from expectingever to belong to him, for the price asked for me from the timeI was first enslaved was exorbitant, and always provoked eitheranger or derision, yet my master stuck stubbornly to it--twenty-twodollars. He wouldn't bate a cent. The king was greatly admired, because of his grand physique, but his kingly style was againsthim, and he wasn't salable; nobody wanted that kind of a slave. I considered myself safe from parting from him because of myextravagant price. No, I was not expecting to ever belong tothis gentleman whom I have spoken of, but he had something whichI expected would belong to me eventually, if he would but visitus often enough. It was a steel thing with a long pin to it, withwhich his long cloth outside garment was fastened together infront. There were three of them. He had disappointed me twice, because he did not come quite close enough to me to make my projectentirely safe; but this time I succeeded; I captured the lowerclasp of the three, and when he missed it he thought he had lostit on the way. I had a chance to be glad about a minute, then straightway a chanceto be sad again. For when the purchase was about to fail, as usual, the master suddenly spoke up and said what would be worded thus--in modern English: "I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm tired supporting these two forno good. Give me twenty-two dollars for this one, and I'll throwthe other one in. " The king couldn't get his breath, he was in such a fury. He beganto choke and gag, and meantime the master and the gentleman movedaway discussing. "An ye will keep the offer open--" "'Tis open till the morrow at this hour. " "Then I will answer you at that time, " said the gentleman, anddisappeared, the master following him. I had a time of it to cool the king down, but I managed it. I whispered in his ear, to this effect: "Your grace _will_ go for nothing, but after another fashion. Andso shall I. To-night we shall both be free. " "Ah! How is that?" "With this thing which I have stolen, I will unlock these locksand cast off these chains to-night. When he comes about nine-thirtyto inspect us for the night, we will seize him, gag him, batterhim, and early in the morning we will march out of this town, proprietors of this caravan of slaves. " That was as far as I went, but the king was charmed and satisfied. That evening we waited patiently for our fellow-slaves to getto sleep and signify it by the usual sign, for you must not takemany chances on those poor fellows if you can avoid it. It isbest to keep your own secrets. No doubt they fidgeted only aboutas usual, but it didn't seem so to me. It seemed to me that theywere going to be forever getting down to their regular snoring. As the time dragged on I got nervously afraid we shouldn't haveenough of it left for our needs; so I made several prematureattempts, and merely delayed things by it; for I couldn't seemto touch a padlock, there in the dark, without starting a rattleout of it which interrupted somebody's sleep and made him turnover and wake some more of the gang. But finally I did get my last iron off, and was a free man oncemore. I took a good breath of relief, and reached for the king'sirons. Too late! in comes the master, with a light in one handand his heavy walking-staff in the other. I snuggled close amongthe wallow of snorers, to conceal as nearly as possible that I wasnaked of irons; and I kept a sharp lookout and prepared to springfor my man the moment he should bend over me. But he didn't approach. He stopped, gazed absently toward ourdusky mass a minute, evidently thinking about something else;then set down his light, moved musingly toward the door, and beforea body could imagine what he was going to do, he was out of thedoor and had closed it behind him. "Quick!" said the king. "Fetch him back!" Of course, it was the thing to do, and I was up and out in amoment. But, dear me, there were no lamps in those days, andit was a dark night. But I glimpsed a dim figure a few stepsaway. I darted for it, threw myself upon it, and then there wasa state of things and lively! We fought and scuffled and struggled, and drew a crowd in no time. They took an immense interest inthe fight and encouraged us all they could, and, in fact, couldn'thave been pleasanter or more cordial if it had been their ownfight. Then a tremendous row broke out behind us, and as muchas half of our audience left us, with a rush, to invest somesympathy in that. Lanterns began to swing in all directions;it was the watch gathering from far and near. Presently a halberdfell across my back, as a reminder, and I knew what it meant. I was in custody. So was my adversary. We were marched off towardprison, one on each side of the watchman. Here was disaster, here was a fine scheme gone to sudden destruction! I tried toimagine what would happen when the master should discover thatit was I who had been fighting him; and what would happen if theyjailed us together in the general apartment for brawlers and pettylaw-breakers, as was the custom; and what might-- Just then my antagonist turned his face around in my direction, the freckled light from the watchman's tin lantern fell on it, and, by George, he was the wrong man! CHAPTER XXXVII AN AWFUL PREDICAMENT Sleep? It was impossible. It would naturally have been impossiblein that noisome cavern of a jail, with its mangy crowd of drunken, quarrelsome, and song-singing rapscallions. But the thing thatmade sleep all the more a thing not to be dreamed of, was myracking impatience to get out of this place and find out the wholesize of what might have happened yonder in the slave-quartersin consequence of that intolerable miscarriage of mine. It was a long night, but the morning got around at last. I madea full and frank explanation to the court. I said I was a slave, the property of the great Earl Grip, who had arrived just afterdark at the Tabard inn in the village on the other side of thewater, and had stopped there over night, by compulsion, he beingtaken deadly sick with a strange and sudden disorder. I had beenordered to cross to the city in all haste and bring the bestphysician; I was doing my best; naturally I was running with allmy might; the night was dark, I ran against this common personhere, who seized me by the throat and began to pummel me, althoughI told him my errand, and implored him, for the sake of the greatearl my master's mortal peril-- The common person interrupted and said it was a lie; and was goingto explain how I rushed upon him and attacked him without a word-- "Silence, sirrah!" from the court. "Take him hence and give hima few stripes whereby to teach him how to treat the servant ofa nobleman after a different fashion another time. Go!" Then the court begged my pardon, and hoped I would not failto tell his lordship it was in no wise the court's fault that thishigh-handed thing had happened. I said I would make it all right, and so took my leave. Took it just in time, too; he was startingto ask me why I didn't fetch out these facts the moment I wasarrested. I said I would if I had thought of it--which was true--but that I was so battered by that man that all my wit was knockedout of me--and so forth and so on, and got myself away, stillmumbling. I didn't wait for breakfast. No grass grew under myfeet. I was soon at the slave quarters. Empty--everybody gone!That is, everybody except one body--the slave-master's. It laythere all battered to pulp; and all about were the evidences ofa terrific fight. There was a rude board coffin on a cart atthe door, and workmen, assisted by the police, were thinning aroad through the gaping crowd in order that they might bring it in. I picked out a man humble enough in life to condescend to talkwith one so shabby as I, and got his account of the matter. "There were sixteen slaves here. They rose against their masterin the night, and thou seest how it ended. " "Yes. How did it begin?" "There was no witness but the slaves. They said the slave thatwas most valuable got free of his bonds and escaped in some strangeway--by magic arts 'twas thought, by reason that he had no key, and the locks were neither broke nor in any wise injured. Whenthe master discovered his loss, he was mad with despair, and threwhimself upon his people with his heavy stick, who resisted andbrake his back and in other and divers ways did give him hurtsthat brought him swiftly to his end. " "This is dreadful. It will go hard with the slaves, no doubt, upon the trial. " "Marry, the trial is over. " "Over!" "Would they be a week, think you--and the matter so simple? Theywere not the half of a quarter of an hour at it. " "Why, I don't see how they could determine which were the guiltyones in so short a time. " "_Which_ ones? Indeed, they considered not particulars like to that. They condemned them in a body. Wit ye not the law?--which mensay the Romans left behind them here when they went--that if oneslave killeth his master all the slaves of that man must die for it. " "True. I had forgotten. And when will these die?" "Belike within a four and twenty hours; albeit some say they willwait a pair of days more, if peradventure they may find the missingone meantime. " The missing one! It made me feel uncomfortable. "Is it likely they will find him?" "Before the day is spent--yes. They seek him everywhere. Theystand at the gates of the town, with certain of the slaves whowill discover him to them if he cometh, and none can pass outbut he will be first examined. " "Might one see the place where the rest are confined?" "The outside of it--yes. The inside of it--but ye will not wantto see that. " I took the address of that prison for future reference and thensauntered off. At the first second-hand clothing shop I came to, up a back street, I got a rough rig suitable for a common seamanwho might be going on a cold voyage, and bound up my face witha liberal bandage, saying I had a toothache. This concealed myworst bruises. It was a transformation. I no longer resembled myformer self. Then I struck out for that wire, found it andfollowed it to its den. It was a little room over a butcher'sshop--which meant that business wasn't very brisk in the telegraphicline. The young chap in charge was drowsing at his table. I lockedthe door and put the vast key in my bosom. This alarmed the youngfellow, and he was going to make a noise; but I said: "Save your wind; if you open your mouth you are dead, sure. Tackleyour instrument. Lively, now! Call Camelot. " "This doth amaze me! How should such as you know aught of suchmatters as--" "Call Camelot! I am a desperate man. Call Camelot, or get awayfrom the instrument and I will do it myself. " "What--you?" "Yes--certainly. Stop gabbling. Call the palace. " He made the call. "Now, then, call Clarence. " "Clarence _who_?" "Never mind Clarence who. Say you want Clarence; you'll getan answer. " He did so. We waited five nerve-straining minutes--ten minutes--how long it did seem!--and then came a click that was as familiarto me as a human voice; for Clarence had been my own pupil. "Now, my lad, vacate! They would have known _my_ touch, maybe, and so your call was surest; but I'm all right now. " He vacated the place and cocked his ear to listen--but it didn'twin. I used a cipher. I didn't waste any time in sociabilitieswith Clarence, but squared away for business, straight-off--thus: "The king is here and in danger. We were captured and broughthere as slaves. We should not be able to prove our identity--and the fact is, I am not in a position to try. Send a telegramfor the palace here which will carry conviction with it. " His answer came straight back: "They don't know anything about the telegraph; they haven't hadany experience yet, the line to London is so new. Better notventure that. They might hang you. Think up something else. " Might hang us! Little he knew how closely he was crowding thefacts. I couldn't think up anything for the moment. Then an ideastruck me, and I started it along: "Send five hundred picked knights with Launcelot in the lead; andsend them on the jump. Let them enter by the southwest gate, andlook out for the man with a white cloth around his right arm. " The answer was prompt: "They shall start in half an hour. " "All right, Clarence; now tell this lad here that I'm a friendof yours and a dead-head; and that he must be discreet and saynothing about this visit of mine. " The instrument began to talk to the youth and I hurried away. I fell to ciphering. In half an hour it would be nine o'clock. Knights and horses in heavy armor couldn't travel very fast. These would make the best time they could, and now that the groundwas in good condition, and no snow or mud, they would probablymake a seven-mile gait; they would have to change horses a coupleof times; they would arrive about six, or a little after; it wouldstill be plenty light enough; they would see the white cloth whichI should tie around my right arm, and I would take command. Wewould surround that prison and have the king out in no time. It would be showy and picturesque enough, all things considered, though I would have preferred noonday, on account of the moretheatrical aspect the thing would have. Now, then, in order to increase the strings to my bow, I thoughtI would look up some of those people whom I had formerly recognized, and make myself known. That would help us out of our scrape, without the knights. But I must proceed cautiously, for it wasa risky business. I must get into sumptuous raiment, and itwouldn't do to run and jump into it. No, I must work up to itby degrees, buying suit after suit of clothes, in shops wide apart, and getting a little finer article with each change, until I shouldfinally reach silk and velvet, and be ready for my project. SoI started. But the scheme fell through like scat! The first corner I turned, I came plump upon one of our slaves, snooping around with a watchman. I coughed at the moment, and he gave me a sudden look that bit rightinto my marrow. I judge he thought he had heard that cough before. I turned immediately into a shop and worked along down the counter, pricing things and watching out of the corner of my eye. Thosepeople had stopped, and were talking together and looking in atthe door. I made up my mind to get out the back way, if therewas a back way, and I asked the shopwoman if I could step outthere and look for the escaped slave, who was believed to be inhiding back there somewhere, and said I was an officer in disguise, and my pard was yonder at the door with one of the murderers incharge, and would she be good enough to step there and tell himhe needn't wait, but had better go at once to the further end ofthe back alley and be ready to head him off when I rousted him out. She was blazing with eagerness to see one of those already celebratedmurderers, and she started on the errand at once. I slipped outthe back way, locked the door behind me, put the key in my pocketand started off, chuckling to myself and comfortable. Well, I had gone and spoiled it again, made another mistake. A double one, in fact. There were plenty of ways to get rid ofthat officer by some simple and plausible device, but no, I mustpick out a picturesque one; it is the crying defect of my character. And then, I had ordered my procedure upon what the officer, beinghuman, would _naturally_ do; whereas when you are least expecting it, a man will now and then go and do the very thing which it's _not_natural for him to do. The natural thing for the officer to do, in this case, was to follow straight on my heels; he would finda stout oaken door, securely locked, between him and me; beforehe could break it down, I should be far away and engaged in slippinginto a succession of baffling disguises which would soon get meinto a sort of raiment which was a surer protection from meddlinglaw-dogs in Britain than any amount of mere innocence and purityof character. But instead of doing the natural thing, the officertook me at my word, and followed my instructions. And so, as Icame trotting out of that cul de sac, full of satisfaction with myown cleverness, he turned the corner and I walked right into hishandcuffs. If I had known it was a cul de sac--however, thereisn't any excusing a blunder like that, let it go. Charge it upto profit and loss. Of course, I was indignant, and swore I had just come ashore froma long voyage, and all that sort of thing--just to see, you know, if it would deceive that slave. But it didn't. He knew me. ThenI reproached him for betraying me. He was more surprised thanhurt. He stretched his eyes wide, and said: "What, wouldst have me let thee, of all men, escape and not hangwith us, when thou'rt the very _cause_ of our hanging? Go to!" "Go to" was their way of saying "I should smile!" or "I like that!"Queer talkers, those people. Well, there was a sort of bastard justice in his view of the case, and so I dropped the matter. When you can't cure a disaster byargument, what is the use to argue? It isn't my way. So I only said: "You're not going to be hanged. None of us are. " Both men laughed, and the slave said: "Ye have not ranked as a fool--before. You might better keepyour reputation, seeing the strain would not be for long. " "It will stand it, I reckon. Before to-morrow we shall be outof prison, and free to go where we will, besides. " The witty officer lifted at his left ear with his thumb, madea rasping noise in his throat, and said: "Out of prison--yes--ye say true. And free likewise to go whereye will, so ye wander not out of his grace the Devil's sultry realm. " I kept my temper, and said, indifferently: "Now I suppose you really think we are going to hang withina day or two. " "I thought it not many minutes ago, for so the thing was decidedand proclaimed. " "Ah, then you've changed your mind, is that it?" "Even that. I only _thought_, then; I _know_, now. " I felt sarcastical, so I said: "Oh, sapient servant of the law, condescend to tell us, then, what you _know_. " "That ye will all be hanged _to-day_, at mid-afternoon! Oho! thatshot hit home! Lean upon me. " The fact is I did need to lean upon somebody. My knights couldn'tarrive in time. They would be as much as three hours too late. Nothing in the world could save the King of England; nor me, whichwas more important. More important, not merely to me, but tothe nation--the only nation on earth standing ready to blossominto civilization. I was sick. I said no more, there wasn'tanything to say. I knew what the man meant; that if the missingslave was found, the postponement would be revoked, the executiontake place to-day. Well, the missing slave was found. CHAPTER XXXVIII SIR LAUNCELOT AND KNIGHTS TO THE RESCUE Nearing four in the afternoon. The scene was just outside thewalls of London. A cool, comfortable, superb day, with a brilliantsun; the kind of day to make one want to live, not die. Themultitude was prodigious and far-reaching; and yet we fifteenpoor devils hadn't a friend in it. There was something painfulin that thought, look at it how you might. There we sat, on ourtall scaffold, the butt of the hate and mockery of all thoseenemies. We were being made a holiday spectacle. They had builta sort of grand stand for the nobility and gentry, and these werethere in full force, with their ladies. We recognized a goodmany of them. The crowd got a brief and unexpected dash of diversion out ofthe king. The moment we were freed of our bonds he sprang up, in his fantastic rags, with face bruised out of all recognition, andproclaimed himself Arthur, King of Britain, and denounced theawful penalties of treason upon every soul there present if hairof his sacred head were touched. It startled and surprised himto hear them break into a vast roar of laughter. It wounded hisdignity, and he locked himself up in silence. Then, althoughthe crowd begged him to go on, and tried to provoke him to itby catcalls, jeers, and shouts of: "Let him speak! The king! The king! his humble subjects hungerand thirst for words of wisdom out of the mouth of their masterhis Serene and Sacred Raggedness!" But it went for nothing. He put on all his majesty and sat underthis rain of contempt and insult unmoved. He certainly was greatin his way. Absently, I had taken off my white bandage and woundit about my right arm. When the crowd noticed this, they beganupon me. They said: "Doubtless this sailor-man is his minister--observe his costlybadge of office!" I let them go on until they got tired, and then I said: "Yes, I am his minister, The Boss; and to-morrow you will hearthat from Camelot which--" I got no further. They drowned me out with joyous derision. Butpresently there was silence; for the sheriffs of London, in theirofficial robes, with their subordinates, began to make a stir whichindicated that business was about to begin. In the hush whichfollowed, our crime was recited, the death warrant read, theneverybody uncovered while a priest uttered a prayer. Then a slave was blindfolded; the hangman unslung his rope. Therelay the smooth road below us, we upon one side of it, the bankedmultitude wailing its other side--a good clear road, and kept freeby the police--how good it would be to see my five hundred horsemencome tearing down it! But no, it was out of the possibilities. I followed its receding thread out into the distance--not a horsemanon it, or sign of one. There was a jerk, and the slave hung dangling; dangling and hideouslysquirming, for his limbs were not tied. A second rope was unslung, in a moment another slave was dangling. In a minute a third slave was struggling in the air. It wasdreadful. I turned away my head a moment, and when I turned backI missed the king! They were blindfolding him! I was paralyzed;I couldn't move, I was choking, my tongue was petrified. Theyfinished blindfolding him, they led him under the rope. I couldn'tshake off that clinging impotence. But when I saw them put thenoose around his neck, then everything let go in me and I madea spring to the rescue--and as I made it I shot one more glanceabroad--by George! here they came, a-tilting!--five hundred mailedand belted knights on bicycles! The grandest sight that ever was seen. Lord, how the plumesstreamed, how the sun flamed and flashed from the endless processionof webby wheels! I waved my right arm as Launcelot swept in--he recognized my rag--I tore away noose and bandage, and shouted: "On your knees, every rascal of you, and salute the king! Whofails shall sup in hell to-night!" I always use that high style when I'm climaxing an effect. Well, it was noble to see Launcelot and the boys swarm up onto thatscaffold and heave sheriffs and such overboard. And it was fineto see that astonished multitude go down on their knees and begtheir lives of the king they had just been deriding and insulting. And as he stood apart there, receiving this homage in rags, I thought to myself, well, really there is something peculiarlygrand about the gait and bearing of a king, after all. I was immensely satisfied. Take the whole situation all around, it was one of the gaudiest effects I ever instigated. And presently up comes Clarence, his own self! and winks, andsays, very modernly: "Good deal of a surprise, wasn't it? I knew you'd like it. I'vehad the boys practicing this long time, privately; and just hungryfor a chance to show off. " CHAPTER XXXIX THE YANKEE'S FIGHT WITH THE KNIGHTS Home again, at Camelot. A morning or two later I found the paper, damp from the press, by my plate at the breakfast table. I turnedto the advertising columns, knowing I should find something ofpersonal interest to me there. It was this: DE PAR LE ROI. Know that the great lord and illus- trious Kni8ht, SIR SAGRAMOR LE DESIROUS having condescended to meet the King's Minister, Hank Mor- gan, the which is surnamed The Boss, for satisfgction of offence anciently given, these wilL engage in the lists by Camelot about the fourth hour of the morning of the sixteenth day of this next succeeding month. The battle will be a l outrance, sith the said offence was of a deadly sort, admitting of no comPosition. DE PAR LE ROI Clarence's editorial reference to this affair was to this effect: It will be observed, by a gl7nce at our advertising columns, that the commu- nity is to be favored with a treat of un- usual interest in the tournament line. The n ames of the artists are warrant of good enterTemment. The box-office will be open at noon of the 13th; ad- mission 3 cents, reserved seatsh 5; pro- ceeds to go to the hospital fund The royal pair and all the Court will be pres- ent. With these exceptions, and the press and the clergy, the free list is strict- ly susPended. Parties are hereby warn- ed against buying tickets of speculators; they will not be good at the door. Everybody knows and likes The Boss, everybody knows and likes Sir Sag. ; come, let us give the lads a good send- off. ReMember, the proceeds go to a great and free charity, and one whose broad begevolence stretches out its help- ing hand, warm with the blood of a lov- ing heart, to all that suffer, regardless of race, creed, condition or color--the only charity yet established in the earth which has no politico-religious stop- cock on its compassion, but says Here flows the stream, let ALL come and drink! Turn out, all hands! fetch along your dou3hnuts and your gum-drops and have a good time. Pie for sale on the grounds, and rocks to crack it with; and ciRcus-lemonade--three drops of lime juice to a barrel of water. N. B. This is the first tournament under the new law, whidh allow each combatant to use any weapon he may pre- fer. You may want to make a note of that. Up to the day set, there was no talk in all Britain of anythingbut this combat. All other topics sank into insignificance andpassed out of men's thoughts and interest. It was not becausea tournament was a great matter, it was not because Sir Sagramorhad found the Holy Grail, for he had not, but had failed; it wasnot because the second (official) personage in the kingdom wasone of the duellists; no, all these features were commonplace. Yet there was abundant reason for the extraordinary interest whichthis coming fight was creating. It was born of the fact that allthe nation knew that this was not to be a duel between mere men, so to speak, but a duel between two mighty magicians; a duel notof muscle but of mind, not of human skill but of superhuman artand craft; a final struggle for supremacy between the two masterenchanters of the age. It was realized that the most prodigiousachievements of the most renowned knights could not be worthyof comparison with a spectacle like this; they could be but child'splay, contrasted with this mysterious and awful battle of the gods. Yes, all the world knew it was going to be in reality a duelbetween Merlin and me, a measuring of his magic powers againstmine. It was known that Merlin had been busy whole days and nightstogether, imbuing Sir Sagramor's arms and armor with supernalpowers of offense and defense, and that he had procured for himfrom the spirits of the air a fleecy veil which would render thewearer invisible to his antagonist while still visible to othermen. Against Sir Sagramor, so weaponed and protected, a thousandknights could accomplish nothing; against him no known enchantmentscould prevail. These facts were sure; regarding them there wasno doubt, no reason for doubt. There was but one question: mightthere be still other enchantments, _unknown_ to Merlin, which couldrender Sir Sagramor's veil transparent to me, and make his enchantedmail vulnerable to my weapons? This was the one thing to bedecided in the lists. Until then the world must remain in suspense. So the world thought there was a vast matter at stake here, andthe world was right, but it was not the one they had in theirminds. No, a far vaster one was upon the cast of this die:_the life of knight-errantry_. I was a champion, it was true, butnot the champion of the frivolous black arts, I was the championof hard unsentimental common-sense and reason. I was enteringthe lists to either destroy knight-errantry or be its victim. Vast as the show-grounds were, there were no vacant spaces in themoutside of the lists, at ten o'clock on the morning of the 16th. The mammoth grand-stand was clothed in flags, streamers, and richtapestries, and packed with several acres of small-fry tributarykings, their suites, and the British aristocracy; with our ownroyal gang in the chief place, and each and every individuala flashing prism of gaudy silks and velvets--well, I never sawanything to begin with it but a fight between an Upper Mississippisunset and the aurora borealis. The huge camp of beflagged andgay-colored tents at one end of the lists, with a stiff-standingsentinel at every door and a shining shield hanging by him forchallenge, was another fine sight. You see, every knight wasthere who had any ambition or any caste feeling; for my feelingtoward their order was not much of a secret, and so here was theirchance. If I won my fight with Sir Sagramor, others would havethe right to call me out as long as I might be willing to respond. Down at our end there were but two tents; one for me, and anotherfor my servants. At the appointed hour the king made a sign, andthe heralds, in their tabards, appeared and made proclamation, naming the combatants and stating the cause of quarrel. Therewas a pause, then a ringing bugle-blast, which was the signal forus to come forth. All the multitude caught their breath, andan eager curiosity flashed into every face. Out from his tent rode great Sir Sagramor, an imposing towerof iron, stately and rigid, his huge spear standing upright in itssocket and grasped in his strong hand, his grand horse's face andbreast cased in steel, his body clothed in rich trappings thatalmost dragged the ground--oh, a most noble picture. A greatshout went up, of welcome and admiration. And then out I came. But I didn't get any shout. There wasa wondering and eloquent silence for a moment, then a great waveof laughter began to sweep along that human sea, but a warningbugle-blast cut its career short. I was in the simplest andcomfortablest of gymnast costumes--flesh-colored tights from neckto heel, with blue silk puffings about my loins, and bareheaded. My horse was not above medium size, but he was alert, slender-limbed, muscled with watchsprings, and just a greyhound to go. He wasa beauty, glossy as silk, and naked as he was when he was born, except for bridle and ranger-saddle. The iron tower and the gorgeous bedquilt came cumbrously butgracefully pirouetting down the lists, and we tripped lightly upto meet them. We halted; the tower saluted, I responded; thenwe wheeled and rode side by side to the grand-stand and facedour king and queen, to whom we made obeisance. The queen exclaimed: "Alack, Sir Boss, wilt fight naked, and without lance or sword or--" But the king checked her and made her understand, with a politephrase or two, that this was none of her business. The buglesrang again; and we separated and rode to the ends of the lists, and took position. Now old Merlin stepped into view and casta dainty web of gossamer threads over Sir Sagramor which turnedhim into Hamlet's ghost; the king made a sign, the bugles blew, Sir Sagramor laid his great lance in rest, and the next moment herehe came thundering down the course with his veil flying out behind, and I went whistling through the air like an arrow to meet him--cocking my ear the while, as if noting the invisible knight'sposition and progress by hearing, not sight. A chorus of encouragingshouts burst out for him, and one brave voice flung out a hearteningword for me--said: "Go it, slim Jim!" It was an even bet that Clarence had procured that favor for me--and furnished the language, too. When that formidable lance-pointwas within a yard and a half of my breast I twitched my horse asidewithout an effort, and the big knight swept by, scoring a blank. I got plenty of applause that time. We turned, braced up, anddown we came again. Another blank for the knight, a roar ofapplause for me. This same thing was repeated once more; andit fetched such a whirlwind of applause that Sir Sagramor lost histemper, and at once changed his tactics and set himself the taskof chasing me down. Why, he hadn't any show in the world at that;it was a game of tag, with all the advantage on my side; I whirledout of his path with ease whenever I chose, and once I slapped himon the back as I went to the rear. Finally I took the chase intomy own hands; and after that, turn, or twist, or do what he would, he was never able to get behind me again; he found himself alwaysin front at the end of his maneuver. So he gave up that businessand retired to his end of the lists. His temper was clear gone now, and he forgot himself and flung an insult at me which disposedof mine. I slipped my lasso from the horn of my saddle, andgrasped the coil in my right hand. This time you should have seenhim come!--it was a business trip, sure; by his gait there wasblood in his eye. I was sitting my horse at ease, and swingingthe great loop of my lasso in wide circles about my head; themoment he was under way, I started for him; when the space betweenus had narrowed to forty feet, I sent the snaky spirals of the ropea-cleaving through the air, then darted aside and faced about andbrought my trained animal to a halt with all his feet braced underhim for a surge. The next moment the rope sprang taut and yankedSir Sagramor out of the saddle! Great Scott, but there wasa sensation! Unquestionably, the popular thing in this world is novelty. Thesepeople had never seen anything of that cowboy business before, and it carried them clear off their feet with delight. From allaround and everywhere, the shout went up: "Encore! encore!" I wondered where they got the word, but there was no time to cipheron philological matters, because the whole knight-errantry hivewas just humming now, and my prospect for trade couldn't havebeen better. The moment my lasso was released and Sir Sagramorhad been assisted to his tent, I hauled in the slack, took mystation and began to swing my loop around my head again. I wassure to have use for it as soon as they could elect a successorfor Sir Sagramor, and that couldn't take long where there wereso many hungry candidates. Indeed, they elected one straight off--Sir Hervis de Revel. _Bzz_! Here he came, like a house afire; I dodged: he passed likea flash, with my horse-hair coils settling around his neck;a second or so later, _fst_! his saddle was empty. I got another encore; and another, and another, and still another. When I had snaked five men out, things began to look serious tothe ironclads, and they stopped and consulted together. As aresult, they decided that it was time to waive etiquette and sendtheir greatest and best against me. To the astonishment of thatlittle world, I lassoed Sir Lamorak de Galis, and after himSir Galahad. So you see there was simply nothing to be done now, but play their right bower--bring out the superbest of the superb, the mightiest of the mighty, the great Sir Launcelot himself! A proud moment for me? I should think so. Yonder was Arthur, King of Britain; yonder was Guenever; yes, and whole tribes oflittle provincial kings and kinglets; and in the tented camp yonder, renowned knights from many lands; and likewise the selectest bodyknown to chivalry, the Knights of the Table Round, the mostillustrious in Christendom; and biggest fact of all, the very sunof their shining system was yonder couching his lance, the focalpoint of forty thousand adoring eyes; and all by myself, here wasI laying for him. Across my mind flitted the dear image of acertain hello-girl of West Hartford, and I wished she could seeme now. In that moment, down came the Invincible, with the rushof a whirlwind--the courtly world rose to its feet and bent forward--the fateful coils went circling through the air, and before youcould wink I was towing Sir Launcelot across the field on hisback, and kissing my hand to the storm of waving kerchiefs andthe thunder-crash of applause that greeted me! Said I to myself, as I coiled my lariat and hung it on my saddle-horn, and sat there drunk with glory, "The victory is perfect--no otherwill venture against me--knight-errantry is dead. " Now imagine myastonishment--and everybody else's, too--to hear the peculiarbugle-call which announces that another competitor is about toenter the lists! There was a mystery here; I couldn't account forthis thing. Next, I noticed Merlin gliding away from me; and thenI noticed that my lasso was gone! The old sleight-of-hand experthad stolen it, sure, and slipped it under his robe. The bugle blew again. I looked, and down came Sagramor ridingagain, with his dust brushed off and his veil nicely re-arranged. I trotted up to meet him, and pretended to find him by the soundof his horse's hoofs. He said: "Thou'rt quick of ear, but it will not save thee from this!" andhe touched the hilt of his great sword. "An ye are not able to seeit, because of the influence of the veil, know that it is no cumbrouslance, but a sword--and I ween ye will not be able to avoid it. " His visor was up; there was death in his smile. I should neverbe able to dodge his sword, that was plain. Somebody was goingto die this time. If he got the drop on me, I could name thecorpse. We rode forward together, and saluted the royalties. This time the king was disturbed. He said: "Where is thy strange weapon?" "It is stolen, sire. " "Hast another at hand?" "No, sire, I brought only the one. " Then Merlin mixed in: "He brought but the one because there was but the one to bring. There exists none other but that one. It belongeth to the kingof the Demons of the Sea. This man is a pretender, and ignorant, else he had known that that weapon can be used in but eight boutsonly, and then it vanisheth away to its home under the sea. " "Then is he weaponless, " said the king. "Sir Sagramore, ye willgrant him leave to borrow. " "And I will lend!" said Sir Launcelot, limping up. "He is asbrave a knight of his hands as any that be on live, and he shallhave mine. " He put his hand on his sword to draw it, but Sir Sagramor said: "Stay, it may not be. He shall fight with his own weapons; itwas his privilege to choose them and bring them. If he has erred, on his head be it. " "Knight!" said the king. "Thou'rt overwrought with passion; itdisorders thy mind. Wouldst kill a naked man?" "An he do it, he shall answer it to me, " said Sir Launcelot. "I will answer it to any he that desireth!" retorted Sir Sagramor hotly. Merlin broke in, rubbing his hands and smiling his lowdownestsmile of malicious gratification: "'Tis well said, right well said! And 'tis enough of parleying, let my lord the king deliver the battle signal. " The king had to yield. The bugle made proclamation, and we turnedapart and rode to our stations. There we stood, a hundred yardsapart, facing each other, rigid and motionless, like horsed statues. And so we remained, in a soundless hush, as much as a full minute, everybody gazing, nobody stirring. It seemed as if the king couldnot take heart to give the signal. But at last he lifted his hand, the clear note of the bugle followed, Sir Sagramor's long bladedescribed a flashing curve in the air, and it was superb to see himcome. I sat still. On he came. I did not move. People got soexcited that they shouted to me: "Fly, fly! Save thyself! This is murther!" I never budged so much as an inch till that thundering apparitionhad got within fifteen paces of me; then I snatched a dragoonrevolver out of my holster, there was a flash and a roar, andthe revolver was back in the holster before anybody could tellwhat had happened. Here was a riderless horse plunging by, and yonder lay Sir Sagramor, stone dead. The people that ran to him were stricken dumb to find that the lifewas actually gone out of the man and no reason for it visible, no hurt upon his body, nothing like a wound. There was a holethrough the breast of his chain-mail, but they attached no importanceto a little thing like that; and as a bullet wound there producesbut little blood, none came in sight because of the clothing andswaddlings under the armor. The body was dragged over to letthe king and the swells look down upon it. They were stupefiedwith astonishment naturally. I was requested to come and explainthe miracle. But I remained in my tracks, like a statue, and said: "If it is a command, I will come, but my lord the king knows thatI am where the laws of combat require me to remain while any desireto come against me. " I waited. Nobody challenged. Then I said: "If there are any who doubt that this field is well and fairly won, I do not wait for them to challenge me, I challenge them. " "It is a gallant offer, " said the king, "and well beseems you. Whom will you name first?" "I name none, I challenge all! Here I stand, and dare the chivalryof England to come against me--not by individuals, but in mass!" "What!" shouted a score of knights. "You have heard the challenge. Take it, or I proclaim you recreantknights and vanquished, every one!" It was a "bluff" you know. At such a time it is sound judgmentto put on a bold face and play your hand for a hundred times whatit is worth; forty-nine times out of fifty nobody dares to "call, "and you rake in the chips. But just this once--well, things lookedsqually! In just no time, five hundred knights were scramblinginto their saddles, and before you could wink a widely scatteringdrove were under way and clattering down upon me. I snatchedboth revolvers from the holsters and began to measure distancesand calculate chances. Bang! One saddle empty. Bang! another one. Bang--bang, andI bagged two. Well, it was nip and tuck with us, and I knew it. If I spent the eleventh shot without convincing these people, the twelfth man would kill me, sure. And so I never did feelso happy as I did when my ninth downed its man and I detectedthe wavering in the crowd which is premonitory of panic. An instantlost now could knock out my last chance. But I didn't lose it. I raised both revolvers and pointed them--the halted host stoodtheir ground just about one good square moment, then broke and fled. The day was mine. Knight-errantry was a doomed institution. Themarch of civilization was begun. How did I feel? Ah, you nevercould imagine it. And Brer Merlin? His stock was flat again. Somehow, every timethe magic of fol-de-rol tried conclusions with the magic of science, the magic of fol-de-rol got left. CHAPTER XL THREE YEARS LATER When I broke the back of knight-errantry that time, I no longerfelt obliged to work in secret. So, the very next day I exposedmy hidden schools, my mines, and my vast system of clandestinefactories and workshops to an astonished world. That is to say, I exposed the nineteenth century to the inspection of the sixth. Well, it is always a good plan to follow up an advantage promptly. The knights were temporarily down, but if I would keep them soI must just simply paralyze them--nothing short of that wouldanswer. You see, I was "bluffing" that last time in the field;it would be natural for them to work around to that conclusion, if I gave them a chance. So I must not give them time; and I didn't. I renewed my challenge, engraved it on brass, posted it up whereany priest could read it to them, and also kept it standing inthe advertising columns of the paper. I not only renewed it, but added to its proportions. I said, name the day, and I would take fifty assistants and stand up_against the massed chivalry of the whole earth and destroy it_. I was not bluffing this time. I meant what I said; I could dowhat I promised. There wasn't any way to misunderstand the languageof that challenge. Even the dullest of the chivalry perceivedthat this was a plain case of "put up, or shut up. " They werewise and did the latter. In all the next three years they gaveme no trouble worth mentioning. Consider the three years sped. Now look around on England. A happyand prosperous country, and strangely altered. Schools everywhere, and several colleges; a number of pretty good newspapers. Evenauthorship was taking a start; Sir Dinadan the Humorist was firstin the field, with a volume of gray-headed jokes which I had beenfamiliar with during thirteen centuries. If he had left out thatold rancid one about the lecturer I wouldn't have said anything;but I couldn't stand that one. I suppressed the book and hangedthe author. Slavery was dead and gone; all men were equal before the law;taxation had been equalized. The telegraph, the telephone, thephonograph, the typewriter, the sewing-machine, and all the thousandwilling and handy servants of steam and electricity were workingtheir way into favor. We had a steamboat or two on the Thames, we had steam warships, and the beginnings of a steam commercialmarine; I was getting ready to send out an expedition to discoverAmerica. We were building several lines of railway, and our line fromCamelot to London was already finished and in operation. I wasshrewd enough to make all offices connected with the passengerservice places of high and distinguished honor. My idea wasto attract the chivalry and nobility, and make them useful and keepthem out of mischief. The plan worked very well, the competitionfor the places was hot. The conductor of the 4. 33 express wasa duke; there wasn't a passenger conductor on the line belowthe degree of earl. They were good men, every one, but they hadtwo defects which I couldn't cure, and so had to wink at: theywouldn't lay aside their armor, and they would "knock down" fare--I mean rob the company. There was hardly a knight in all the land who wasn't in some usefulemployment. They were going from end to end of the country in allmanner of useful missionary capacities; their penchant for wandering, and their experience in it, made them altogether the most effectivespreaders of civilization we had. They went clothed in steel andequipped with sword and lance and battle-axe, and if they couldn'tpersuade a person to try a sewing-machine on the installment plan, or a melodeon, or a barbed-wire fence, or a prohibition journal, or any of the other thousand and one things they canvassed for, they removed him and passed on. I was very happy. Things were working steadily toward a secretlylonged-for point. You see, I had two schemes in my head whichwere the vastest of all my projects. The one was to overthrow theCatholic Church and set up the Protestant faith on its ruins--not as an Established Church, but a go-as-you-please one; andthe other project was to get a decree issued by and by, commandingthat upon Arthur's death unlimited suffrage should be introduced, and given to men and women alike--at any rate to all men, wiseor unwise, and to all mothers who at middle age should be foundto know nearly as much as their sons at twenty-one. Arthur wasgood for thirty years yet, he being about my own age--that isto say, forty--and I believed that in that time I could easilyhave the active part of the population of that day ready and eagerfor an event which should be the first of its kind in the historyof the world--a rounded and complete governmental revolutionwithout bloodshed. The result to be a republic. Well, I mayas well confess, though I do feel ashamed when I think of it:I was beginning to have a base hankering to be its first presidentmyself. Yes, there was more or less human nature in me; I foundthat out. Clarence was with me as concerned the revolution, but in a modifiedway. His idea was a republic, without privileged orders, but witha hereditary royal family at the head of it instead of an electivechief magistrate. He believed that no nation that had ever knownthe joy of worshiping a royal family could ever be robbed of itand not fade away and die of melancholy. I urged that kings weredangerous. He said, then have cats. He was sure that a royalfamily of cats would answer every purpose. They would be as usefulas any other royal family, they would know as much, they wouldhave the same virtues and the same treacheries, the same dispositionto get up shindies with other royal cats, they would be laughablyvain and absurd and never know it, they would be wholly inexpensive;finally, they would have as sound a divine right as any otherroyal house, and "Tom VII, or Tom XI, or Tom XIV by the graceof God King, " would sound as well as it would when applied tothe ordinary royal tomcat with tights on. "And as a rule, " saidhe, in his neat modern English, "the character of these cats wouldbe considerably above the character of the average king, and thiswould be an immense moral advantage to the nation, for the reasonthat a nation always models its morals after its monarch's. Theworship of royalty being founded in unreason, these graceful andharmless cats would easily become as sacred as any other royalties, and indeed more so, because it would presently be noticed thatthey hanged nobody, beheaded nobody, imprisoned nobody, inflictedno cruelties or injustices of any sort, and so must be worthy ofa deeper love and reverence than the customary human king, andwould certainly get it. The eyes of the whole harried world wouldsoon be fixed upon this humane and gentle system, and royal butcherswould presently begin to disappear; their subjects would fillthe vacancies with catlings from our own royal house; we shouldbecome a factory; we should supply the thrones of the world; withinforty years all Europe would be governed by cats, and we shouldfurnish the cats. The reign of universal peace would begin then, to end no more forever.... Me-e-e-yow-ow-ow-ow--fzt!--wow!" Hang him, I supposed he was in earnest, and was beginning to bepersuaded by him, until he exploded that cat-howl and startled mealmost out of my clothes. But he never could be in earnest. Hedidn't know what it was. He had pictured a distinct and perfectlyrational and feasible improvement upon constitutional monarchy, but he was too feather-headed to know it, or care anything aboutit, either. I was going to give him a scolding, but Sandy cameflying in at that moment, wild with terror, and so choked with sobsthat for a minute she could not get her voice. I ran and took herin my arms, and lavished caresses upon her and said, beseechingly: "Speak, darling, speak! What is it?" Her head fell limp upon my bosom, and she gasped, almost inaudibly: "HELLO-CENTRAL!" "Quick!" I shouted to Clarence; "telephone the king's homeopathto come!" In two minutes I was kneeling by the child's crib, and Sandy wasdispatching servants here, there, and everywhere, all over thepalace. I took in the situation almost at a glance--membranouscroup! I bent down and whispered: "Wake up, sweetheart! Hello-Central. " She opened her soft eyes languidly, and made out to say: "Papa. " That was a comfort. She was far from dead yet. I sent forpreparations of sulphur, I rousted out the croup-kettle myself;for I don't sit down and wait for doctors when Sandy or the childis sick. I knew how to nurse both of them, and had had experience. This little chap had lived in my arms a good part of its small life, and often I could soothe away its troubles and get it to laughthrough the tear-dews on its eye-lashes when even its mother couldn't. Sir Launcelot, in his richest armor, came striding along the greathall now on his way to the stock-board; he was president of thestock-board, and occupied the Siege Perilous, which he had boughtof Sir Galahad; for the stock-board consisted of the Knights ofthe Round Table, and they used the Round Table for business purposesnow. Seats at it were worth--well, you would never believe thefigure, so it is no use to state it. Sir Launcelot was a bear, andhe had put up a corner in one of the new lines, and was just gettingready to squeeze the shorts to-day; but what of that? He wasthe same old Launcelot, and when he glanced in as he was passingthe door and found out that his pet was sick, that was enoughfor him; bulls and bears might fight it out their own way for allhim, he would come right in here and stand by little Hello-Centralfor all he was worth. And that was what he did. He shied hishelmet into the corner, and in half a minute he had a new wickin the alcohol lamp and was firing up on the croup-kettle. By thistime Sandy had built a blanket canopy over the crib, and everythingwas ready. Sir Launcelot got up steam, he and I loaded up the kettle withunslaked lime and carbolic acid, with a touch of lactic acid addedthereto, then filled the thing up with water and inserted thesteam-spout under the canopy. Everything was ship-shape now, and we sat down on either side of the crib to stand our watch. Sandy was so grateful and so comforted that she charged a coupleof church-wardens with willow-bark and sumach-tobacco for us, and told us to smoke as much as we pleased, it couldn't get underthe canopy, and she was used to smoke, being the first lady in theland who had ever seen a cloud blown. Well, there couldn't bea more contented or comfortable sight than Sir Launcelot in hisnoble armor sitting in gracious serenity at the end of a yardof snowy church-warden. He was a beautiful man, a lovely man, and was just intended to make a wife and children happy. But, ofcourse Guenever--however, it's no use to cry over what's done andcan't be helped. Well, he stood watch-and-watch with me, right straight through, for three days and nights, till the child was out of danger; thenhe took her up in his great arms and kissed her, with his plumesfalling about her golden head, then laid her softly in Sandy'slap again and took his stately way down the vast hall, betweenthe ranks of admiring men-at-arms and menials, and so disappeared. And no instinct warned me that I should never look upon him againin this world! Lord, what a world of heart-break it is. The doctors said we must take the child away, if we would coaxher back to health and strength again. And she must have sea-air. So we took a man-of-war, and a suite of two hundred and sixtypersons, and went cruising about, and after a fortnight of this westepped ashore on the French coast, and the doctors thought itwould be a good idea to make something of a stay there. The littleking of that region offered us his hospitalities, and we were gladto accept. If he had had as many conveniences as he lacked, weshould have been plenty comfortable enough; even as it was, wemade out very well, in his queer old castle, by the help of comfortsand luxuries from the ship. At the end of a month I sent the vessel home for fresh supplies, and for news. We expected her back in three or four days. Shewould bring me, along with other news, the result of a certainexperiment which I had been starting. It was a project of mineto replace the tournament with something which might furnish anescape for the extra steam of the chivalry, keep those bucksentertained and out of mischief, and at the same time preservethe best thing in them, which was their hardy spirit of emulation. I had had a choice band of them in private training for some time, and the date was now arriving for their first public effort. This experiment was baseball. In order to give the thing voguefrom the start, and place it out of the reach of criticism, I chosemy nines by rank, not capacity. There wasn't a knight in eitherteam who wasn't a sceptered sovereign. As for material of thissort, there was a glut of it always around Arthur. You couldn'tthrow a brick in any direction and not cripple a king. Of course, I couldn't get these people to leave off their armor; they wouldn'tdo that when they bathed. They consented to differentiate thearmor so that a body could tell one team from the other, but thatwas the most they would do. So, one of the teams wore chain-mailulsters, and the other wore plate-armor made of my new Bessemersteel. Their practice in the field was the most fantastic thing Iever saw. Being ball-proof, they never skipped out of the way, but stood still and took the result; when a Bessemer was at the batand a ball hit him, it would bound a hundred and fifty yardssometimes. And when a man was running, and threw himself on hisstomach to slide to his base, it was like an iron-clad coming intoport. At first I appointed men of no rank to act as umpires, butI had to discontinue that. These people were no easier to pleasethan other nines. The umpire's first decision was usually hislast; they broke him in two with a bat, and his friends toted himhome on a shutter. When it was noticed that no umpire ever surviveda game, umpiring got to be unpopular. So I was obliged to appointsomebody whose rank and lofty position under the government wouldprotect him. Here are the names of the nines: BESSEMERS ULSTERS KING ARTHUR. EMPEROR LUCIUS. KING LOT OF LOTHIAN. KING LOGRIS. KING OF NORTHGALIS. KING MARHALT OF IRELAND. KING MARSIL. KING MORGANORE. KING OF LITTLE BRITAIN. KING MARK OF CORNWALL. KING LABOR. KING NENTRES OF GARLOT. KING PELLAM OF LISTENGESE. KING MELIODAS OF LIONES. KING BAGDEMAGUS. KING OF THE LAKE. KING TOLLEME LA FEINTES. THE SOWDAN OF SYRIA. Umpire--CLARENCE. The first public game would certainly draw fifty thousand people;and for solid fun would be worth going around the world to see. Everything would be favorable; it was balmy and beautiful springweather now, and Nature was all tailored out in her new clothes.