A YOUNG GIRL'S DIARY

Prefaced with a Letter by Sigmund Freud

Translated by Eden and Cedar Paul

CONTENTS

 FIRST YEAR Age 11 to 12 SECOND YEAR Age 12 to 13 THIRD YEAR Age 13 to 14 LAST HALF-YEAR Age 14 to 14 1/2 CONCLUSION

PREFACE

THE best preface to this journal written by a young girl belonging tothe upper middle class is a letter by Sigmund Freud dated April 27, 1915, a letter wherein the distinguished Viennese psychologist testifiesto the permanent value of the document:

"This diary is a gem. Never before, I believe, has anything been writtenenabling us to see so clearly into the soul of a young girl, belongingto our social and cultural stratum, during the years of puberaldevelopment. We are shown how the sentiments pass from the simple egoismof childhood to attain maturity; how the relationships to parentsand other members of the family first shape themselves, and how theygradually become more serious and more intimate; how friendships areformed and broken. We are shown the dawn of love, feeling out towardsits first objects. Above all, we are shown how the mystery of the sexuallife first presses itself vaguely on the attention, and then takesentire possession of the growing intelligence, so that the child suffersunder the load of secret knowledge but gradually becomes enabled toshoulder the burden. Of all these things we have a description at onceso charming, so serious, and so artless, that it cannot fail to be ofsupreme interest to educationists and psychologists. 

"It is certainly incumbent on you to publish the diary. All students ofmy own writings will be grateful to you. "

In preparing these pages for the press, the editor has toned downnothing, has added nothing, and has suppressed nothing. The onlyalterations she has made have been such as were essential to conceal theidentity of the writer and of other persons mentioned in the document. Consequently, surnames, Christian names, and names of places, have beenchanged. These modifications have enabled the original author of thediary to allow me to place it at the free disposal of serious readers. 

No attempt has been made to correct trifling faults in grammar and otherinelegancies of style. For the most part, these must not be regardedas the expression of a child's incapacity for the control of language. Rather must they be looked upon as manifestations of affectivetrends, as errors in functioning brought about by the influence of theUnconscious. 

THE EDITOR. VIENNA, _Autumn_, 1919. 

FIRST YEAR, AGE ELEVEN TO TWELVE

FIRST YEAR

July 12, 19 . . . Hella and I are writing a diary. We both agreed thatwhen we went to the high school we would write a diary every day. Dorakeeps a diary too, but she gets furious if I look at it. I call Helene"Hella, " and she calls me "Rita;" Helene and Grete are so vulgar. Dorahas taken to calling herself "Thea, " but I go on calling her "Dora. " Shesays that little children (she means me and Hella) ought not to keep adiary. She says they will write such a lot of nonsense. No more than inhers and Lizzi's. 

July 13th. Really we were not to begin writing until after the holidays, but since we are both going away, we are beginning now. Then we shallknow what we have been doing in the holidays. 

The day before yesterday we had an entrance examination, it was veryeasy, in dictation I made only 1 mistake--writing _ihn_ without _h_. Themistress said that didn't matter, I had only made a slip. That is quitetrue, for I know well enough that _ihn_ has an _h_ in it. We were bothdressed in white with rose-coloured ribbons, and everyone believedwe were sisters or at least cousins. It would be very nice to havea cousin. But it's still nicer to have a friend, for we can tell oneanother everything. 

July 14th. The mistress was very kind. Because of her Hella and I arereally sorry that we are not going to a middle school. Then everyday before lessons began we could have had a talk with her in theclass-room. But we're awfully pleased because of the other girls. One ismore important when one goes to the high school instead of only tothe middle school. That is why the girls are in such a rage. "They arebursting with pride" (that's what my sister says of me and Hella, butit is not true). "Our two students" said the mistress when we came away. She told us to write to her from the country. I shall. 

July 15th. Lizzi, Hella's sister, is not so horrid as Dora, sheis always so nice! To-day she gave each of us at least tenchocolate-creams. It's true Hella often says to me: "You don't know her, what a beast she can be. _Your_ sister is generally very nice to me. "Certainly it is very funny the way in which she always speaks of us as"the little ones" or "the children, " as if she had never been a childherself, and indeed a much littler one than we are. Besides we're justthe same as she is now. She is in the fourth class and we are in thefirst. 

To-morrow we are going to Kaltenbach in Tyrol. I'm frightfully excited. Hella went away to-day to Hungary to her uncle and aunt with her motherand Lizzi. Her father is at manoeuvres. 

July 19th. It's awfully hard to write every day in the holidays. Everything is so new and one has no time to write. We are living in abig house in the forest. Dora bagged the front veranda straight offfor her own writing. At the back of the house there are such swarms ofhorrid little flies; everything is black with flies. I do hate flies andsuch things. I'm not going to put up with being driven out of thefront veranda. I won't have it. Besides, Father said: "Don't quarrel, children!" (_Children_ to _her_ too!!) He's quite right. She putson such airs because she'll be fourteen in October. "The verandas arecommon property, " said Father. Father's always so just. He never letsDora lord it over me, but Mother often makes a favourite of Dora. I'mwriting to Hella to-day. She's not written to me yet. 

July 21st. Hella has written to me, 4 pages, and such a jolly letter. Idon't know what I should do without her! Perhaps she will come here inAugust or perhaps I shall go to stay with her. I think I would rather goto stay with her. I like paying long visits. Father said: "We'll see, "and that means he'll let me go. When Father and Mother say We'll see itreally means Yes; but they won't say "yes" so that if it does not comeoff one can't say that they haven't kept their word. Father really letsme do anything I like, but not Mother. Still, if I practice my pianoregularly perhaps she'll let me go. I must go for a walk. 

July 22nd. Hella wrote that I positively must write every day, for onemust keep a promise and we swore to write every day. I. . . . 

July 23rd. It's awful. One has no time. Yesterday when I wanted to writethe room had to be cleaned and D. Was in the arbour. Before that I hadnot written a _single_ word and in the front veranda all my pages blewaway. We write on loose pages. Hella thinks it's better because then onedoes not have to tear anything out. But we have promised one another tothrow nothing away and not to tear anything up. Why should we? One cantell a friend everything. A pretty friend if one couldn't. Yesterdaywhen I wanted to go into the arbour Dora glared at me savagely, sayingWhat do you want? As if the arbour belonged to her, just as she wantedto bag the front veranda all for herself. She's too sickening. 

Yesterday afternoon we were on the Kolber-Kogel. It was lovely. Fatherwas awfully jolly and we pelted one another with pine-cones. It wasjolly. I threw one at Dora and it hit her on her padded bust. She letout such a yell and I said out loud You couldn't feel it _there_. As shewent by she said Pig! It doesn't matter, for I know she understood meand that what I said was true. I should like to know what _she_ writesabout every day to Erika and what she writes in her diary. Mother wasout of sorts and stayed at home. 

July 24th. To-day is Sunday. I do love Sundays. Father says: Youchildren have Sundays every day. That's quite true in the holidays, butnot at other times. The peasants and their wives and children are allvery gay, wearing Tyrolese dresses, just like those I have seen in thetheatre. We are wearing our white dresses to-day, and I have made agreat cherrystain upon mine, not on purpose, but because I sat down uponsome fallen cherries. So this afternoon when we go out walking I mustwear my pink dress. All the better, for I don't care to be dressedexactly the same as Dora. I don't see why everyone should know thatwe are sisters. Let people think we are cousins. She does not like iteither; I wish I knew why. 

Oswald is coming in a week, and I am awfully pleased. He is older thanDora, but I can always get on with him. Hella writes that she finds itdull without me; so do I. 

July 25th. I wrote to Fraulein Pruckl to-day. She is staying atAchensee. I should like to see her. Every afternoon we bathe and thengo for a walk. But to-day it has been raining all day. Such a bore. Iforgot to bring my paint-box and I'm not allowed to read all day. Mothersays, if you gobble all your books up now you'll have nothing left toread. That's quite true, but I can't even go and swing. 

Afternoon. I must write some more. I've had a frightful row with Dora. She says I've been fiddling with her things. It's all because she's sountidy. As if _her_ things could interest me. Yesterday she left herletter to Erika lying about on the table, and all I read was: He's ashandsome as a Greek god. I don't know who "he" was for she came in atthat moment. It's probably Krail Rudi, with whom she is everlastinglyplaying tennis and carries on like anything. As for handsome--well, there's no accounting for tastes. 

July 26th. It's a good thing I brought my dolls' portmanteau. Mothersaid: You'll be glad to have it on rainy days. Of course I'm much tooold to play with dolls, but even though I'm 11 I can make dolls'clothes still. One learns something while one is doing it, and when I'vefinished something I do enjoy it so. Mother cut me out some things and Iwas tacking them together. Then Dora came into the room and said Hullo, the child is sewing things for her dolls. What cheek, as if she hadnever played with dolls. Besides, I don't really play with dolls anylonger. When she sat down beside me I sewed so vigorously that I made agreat scratch on her hand, and said: Oh, I'm so sorry, but you came tooclose. I hope she'll know why I really did it. Of course she'll go andsneak to Mother. Let her. What right has she to call me child. She's gota fine red scratch anyhow, and on her right hand where everyone can see. 

July 27th. There's such a lot of fruit here. I eat raspberries andgooseberries all day and Mother says that is why I have no appetite fordinner. But Dr. Klein always says Fruit is so wholesome. But why shouldit be unwholesome all at once? Hella always says that when one likesanything awfully much one is always scolded about it until one getsperfectly sick of it. Hella often gets in such a temper with her mother, and then her mother says: We make such sacrifices for our children andthey reward us with ingratitude. I should like to know what sacrificesthey make. I think it's the children who make the sacrifices. When Iwant to eat gooseberries and am not allowed to, the sacrifice is _mine_not _Mother's_. I've written all this to Hella. Fraulein Pruckl haswritten to me. The address on her letter to me was splendid, "FrauleinGrete Lainer, Lyzealschulerin. " Of course Dora had to know better thananyone else, and said that in the higher classes from the fourthupwards (because she is in the fourth) they write "Lyzeistin. " She said:"Anyhow, in the holidays, before a girl has attended the first classshe's not a Lyzealschulerin at all. " Then Father chipped in, saying that_we_ (_I_ didn't begin it) really must stop this eternal wrangling; hereally could not stand it. He's quite right, but what he said won't doany good, for Dora will go on just the same. Fraulein Pruckl wrote thatshe was _delighted_ that I had written. As soon as I have time she wantsme to write to her again. Great Scott, I've always time for _her_. Ishall write to her again this evening after supper, so as not to keepher waiting. 

July 29th. I simply could not write yesterday. The Warths have arrived, and I had to spend the whole day with Erna and Liesel, although itrained all day. We had a ripping time. They know a lot of round gamesand we played for sweets. I won 47, and I gave five of them to Dora. Robert is already more than a head taller than we are, I mean thanLiesel and me; I think he is fifteen. He says Fraulein Grete and carriedmy cloak which Mother sent me because of the rain and he saw me homeafter supper. 

To-morrow is my birthday and everyone has been invited and Mother hasmade strawberry cream and waffles. How spiffing. 

July 30th. To-day is my birthday. Father gave me a splendid parasolwith a flowered border and painting materials and Mother gave me a hugepostcard album for 800 cards and stories for school girls, and Dora gaveme a beautiful box of notepaper and Mother had made a chocolate-creamcake for dinner to-day as well as the strawberry cream. The first thingin the morning the Warths sent me three birthday cards. And Robert hadwritten on his: With deepest _respect your faithful R_. It is gloriousto have a birthday, everyone is so kind, even Dora. Oswald sent me awooden paper-knife, the handle is a dragon and the blade shoots outof its mouth instead of flame; or perhaps the blade is its tongue, onecan't be quite sure. It has not rained yet on my birthday. Father says Iwas born under a lucky star. That suits me all right, tip top. 

July 31st. Yesterday was heavenly. We laughed till our sides ached overConsequences. I was always being coupled with Robert and oh the thingswe did together, not really of course but only in writing: kissed, hugged, lost in the forest, bathed together; but I say, I wouldn't do_that!_ quarrelled. That won't happen, it's quite impossible! Then wedrank my health clinking glasses five times and Robert wanted to drinkit in wine but Dora said that would never do! The real trouble wasthis. She always gets furious if she has to play second fiddle to me andyesterday I was certainly first fiddle. 

Now I must write a word about to-day. We've had a splendid time. Wewere in Tiefengraben with the Warths where there are such a lot of wildstrawberries. Robert picked all the best of them for me, to the greatannoyance of Dora who had to pick them for herself. Really I wouldrather pick them for myself, but when some one else picks them for onefor _love_ (that's what Robert said) then one is quite glad to have thempicked for one. Besides, I did pick some myself and gave most of them toFather and some to Mother. At afternoon tea which we had in FlischbergI had to sit beside Erna instead of Robert. Erna is rather dull. Mothersays she is _anemic_; that sounds frightfully interesting, but I don'tquite know what it means. Dora is always saying that she is anemic, but of course that is not true. And Father always says "Don't talk suchstuff, you're as fit as a fiddle. " That puts her in such a wax. Lastyear Lizzi was really anemic, so the doctor said, she was always havingpalpitation and had to take iron and drink Burgundy. I think that'swhere Dora got the idea. 

August 1st. Hella is rather cross with me because I wrote and told herthat I had spent the whole day with the W's. Still, she is really myonly friend or I should not have written and told her. Every year in thecountry she has another friend too, but that doesn't put me out. I can'tunderstand why she doesn't like Robert; she doesn't know anything abouthim except what I have written and certainly that was nothing but good. Of course she does know him for he is a cousin of the Sernigs and shemet him once there. But one does not get to know a person from seeingthem once. Anyhow she does not know him the way I do. Yesterday I waswith the Warths all day. We played Place for the King and Robert caughtme and I had to give him a kiss. And Erna said, that doesn't count, forI had let myself be caught. But Robert got savage and said: Erna is aperfect nuisance, she spoils everyone's pleasure. He's quite right, butthere's some one else just as bad. But I do hope Erna has not told Doraabout the kiss. If she has everyone will know and I shouldn't like that. I lay in wait for Erna with the sweets which Aunt Dora sent us. Robertand Liesel and I ate the rest. They were so good and nearly all largeones. At first Robert wanted to take quite a little one, but I said hemust only have a big one. After that he always picked out the big ones. When I came home in the evening with the empty box Father laughed andsaid: There's nothing mean about our Gretel. Besides, Mother still hasa great box full; I have no idea whether Dora still has a lot, but Iexpect so. 

August 2nd. Oswald arrived this afternoon at 5. He's a great swell now;he's begun to grow a moustache. In the evening Father took him to thehotel to introduce him to some friends. He said it would be an awfulbore, but he will certainly make a good impression especially in his newtourist getup and leather breeches. Grandmama and Grandpapa sent love toall. I've never seen them. They have sent a lot of cakes and sweets andOswald grumbled no end because he had to bring them. Oswald is alwayssmoking cigarettes and Father said to him: Come along old chap, we'llgo to the inn and have a drink on the strength of your good report. Itseems to me rather funny; no one wants to drink anything when Dora and Ihave a good report, at most they give us a present. Oswald has only Twosand Threes and very few Ones and in Greek nothing but Satisfactory, butI have nothing but Ones. He said something to Father in Latin and Fatherlaughed heartily and said something I could not understand. I don'tthink it was Latin, but it may have been Magyar or English. Father knowsnearly all languages, even Czech, but thank goodness he doesn't talkthem unless he wants to tease us. Like that time at the station whenDora and I were so ashamed. Czech is horrid, Mother says so too. WhenRobert pretends to speak Czech it's screamingly funny. 

August 3rd. I got a chill bathing the other day so now I am not allowedto bathe for a few days. Robert keeps me company. We are quite alone andhe tells me all sorts of tales. He swings me so high that I positivelyyell. To-day he made me really angry, for he said: Oswald is a regularnoodle. I said, that's not true, boys can never stand one another. Besides, it is not true that he lisps. Anyhow I like Oswald much betterthan Dora who always says "the children" when she is talking of me andof Hella and even of Robert. Then he said: Dora is just as big a gooseas Erna. He's quite right there. Robert says he is never going to smoke, that it is so vulgar, that real gentlemen never smoke. But what aboutFather, I should like to know? He says, too, that he will never grow abeard but will shave every day and his wife will have to put everythingstraight to him. But a beard suits Father and I can't imagine himwithout a beard. I know I won't marry a man without a beard. 

August 5th. We go to the tennis ground every day. When we set offyesterday, Robert and I and Liesel and Erna and Rene, Dora called afterus: The bridal pair in spee. She had picked up the phrase from Oswald. Ithink it means in a hundred years. _She_ can wait a hundred years if shelikes, we shan't. Mother scolded her like anything and said she mustn'tsay such stupid things. A good job too; in spee, in spee. Now we alwaystalk of her as Inspee, but no one knows who we mean. 

August 6th. Hella can't come here, for she is going to Klausenburg withher mother to stay with her other uncle who is district judge there orwhatever they call a district judge in Hungary. Whenever I think of adistrict judge I think of District Judge T. , such a hideous man. Whata nose and his wife is so lovely; but her parents forced her into themarriage. I would not let anyone force me into such a marriage, I wouldmuch sooner not marry at all, besides she's awfully unhappy. 

August 7th. There has been such a fearful row about Dora. Oswald toldFather that she flirted so at the tennis court and he could not standit. Father was in a towering rage and now we mayn't play tennis anymore. What upset her more than anything was that Father said in front ofme: This little chit of 14 is already encouraging people to make love toher. Her eyes were quite red and swollen and she couldn't eat anythingat supper because she had such a _headache!!_ We know all about herheadaches. But I really can't see why I shouldn't go and play tennis. 

August 8th. Oswald says that it wasn't the student's fault at all butonly Dora's. I can quite believe that when I think of that time on theSouthern Railway. Still, they won't let me play tennis any more, thoughI begged and begged Mother to ask Father to let me. She said it woulddo no good for Father was very angry and I mustn't spend whole dayswith the Warths any more. Whole days! I should like to know when I was awhole day there. When I went there naturally I had to stay to dinner atleast. What have I got to do with Dora's love affairs? It's really tooabsurd. But grown-ups are always like that. When one person has doneanything the others have to pay for it too. 

August 9th. Thank goodness, I can play tennis once more; I begged andbegged until Father let me go. Dora declares that nothing will induceher to ask! That's the old story of the fox and the grapes. She has beenplaying the invalid lately, won't bathe, and stays at home when she caninstead of going for walks. I should like to know what's the matter withher. What I can't make out is why Father lets her do it. As for Mother, she always spoils Dora; Dora is Mother's favourite, especially whenOswald is not on hand. I can understand her making a favourite ofOswald, but not of Dora. Father always says that parents have nofavourites, but treat all their children alike. That's true enough asfar as Father is concerned, although Dora declares that Father makes afavourite of me; but that's only her fancy. At Christmas and other timeswe always get the same sort of presents, and that's the real test. Rosa Plank always gets at least three times as much as the rest of thefamily, that's what it is to be a favourite. 

August 12th. I can't write every day for I spend most of my timewith the Warths. Oswald can't stand Robert, he says he is a cad anda greenhorn. What vulgar phrases. For three days I haven't spoken toOswald except when I really had to. When I told Erna and Liesel aboutit, they said that brothers were always rude to their sisters. I said, I should like to know why. Besides, Robert is generally very nice to hissisters. They said, Yes before you, because he's on his best behaviourwith you. Yesterday we laughed like anything when he told us what funthe boys make of their masters. That story about the cigarette endswas screamingly funny. They have a society called T. Au. M. , that isin Latin Be Silent or Die in initial letters. No one may betray thesociety's secrets, and when they make a new member he has to strip offall his clothes and lie down naked and every one spits on his chest andrubs it and says: Be One of Us, but all in Latin. Then he has to go tothe eldest and biggest who gives him two or three cuts with a cane andhe has to swear that he will never betray anyone. Then everyone smokesa cigar and touches him with the lighted end on the arm or somewhereand says: Every act of treachery will burn you like that. And then theeldest, who has a special name which I can't remember, tattoos on himthe word Taum, that is Be Silent or Die, and a heart with the name ofa girl. Robert says that if he had known me sooner he would have chosen"Gretchen. " I asked him what name he had tattooed on him, but he saidhe was not allowed to tell. I shall tell Oswald to look when theyare bathing and to tell me. In this society they abuse the mastersfrightfully and the one who thinks of the best tricks to play on themis elected to the Rohon; to be a Rohon is a great distinction and theothers must always carry out his orders. He said there was a lot morewhich he couldn't tell me because it's too tremendous. Then I had toswear that I would never tell anyone about the society and he wantedme to take the oath upon my knees, but I wouldn't do that and he nearlyforced me to my knees. In the end I had to give him my hand on it and akiss. I didn't mind giving him that, for a kiss is nothing, but nothingwould induce me to kneel down. Still, I was in an awful fright, for wewere quite alone in the garden and he took me by the throat and triedto force me to my knees. All that about the _society_ he told me whenwe were quite alone for he said: I can't have your name tattooed on mebecause it's against our laws to have two names but now that you havesworn I can let you know what I really am and think in secret. 

I couldn't sleep all night for I kept on dreaming of the society, wondering whether there are such societies in the high school andwhether Dora is in a society and has a name tattooed on her. But itwould be horrible to have to strip naked before all one's schoolfellows. Perhaps in the societies of the high-school girls that part is leftout. But I shouldn't like to say for sure whether I'd have Robert's nametattooed on me. 

August 15th. Yesterday Robert told me that there are some schoolboysocieties where they do very improper things, but that never happened intheir society. But he didn't say what. I said, the stripping naked seemsto me awful; but he said, Oh, that's nothing, that must happen ifwe're to trust one another, it's all right as long as there's nothingimproper. I wish I knew what. I wish I knew whether Oswald knows aboutit, and whether he is in such a society or in a proper one and whetherFather was in one. If I could only find out. But I can't ask, for if Idid I should betray Robert. When he sees me he always presses my leftwrist without letting anyone see. He said that is the warning to me tobe silent. But he needn't do that really, for I never would betray himwhatever happened. He said: The pain is to bind you to me. When he saysthat his eyes grow dark, quite black, although his eyes are really greyand they get very large. Especially in the evening when we say goodbye, it frightens me. I'm always dreaming of him. 

August 18th. Yesterday evening we had illuminations in honour of theemperor's birthday. We didn't get home until half past twelve. At firstwe went to a concert in the park and to the illuminations. They firedsalutes from the hills and there were beacons flaring on the hill-tops;it was rather creepy although it was wonderful. My teeth chattered onceor twice, I don't know whether I was afraid something would happen orwhy it was. Then R. Came and talked such a lot. He is set on going intothe army. For that he needn't learn so much, and what he's learning nowis of no use to him. He says that doesn't matter, that knowledge willgive him a great pull. I don't think he looks stupid, though Oswald saysso to make me angry. All at once we found ourselves quite away from theothers and so we sat on a bench to wait for them. Then I asked R. Oncemore about the other societies, the ones in which they do such improperthings. But he wouldn't tell me for he said he would not rob me of myinnocence. I thought that very stupid, and I said that perhaps he didn'tknow himself and it was all put on. All that happened, he said, was thatanyone who joined the society was tickled until he couldn't stand it anylonger. And once one of them got St. Vitus's dance, that is frightfulconvulsions and they were afraid that everything would come out. Andsince then in their society no more tickling had been allowed. ShallI tickle you a little? I don't understand you, I said, and anyhow youdaren't. 

He gave a great laugh and suddenly he seized me and tickled me under thearm. It made me want to laugh frightfully, but I stifled it for therewere still lots of people going by. So he gave that up and tickled myhand. I liked it at first, but then I got angry and dragged my handaway. Just then Inspee went by with two other girls and directly theyhad passed us we followed close behind as if we had been walking likethat all the time. It saved me a wigging from Mother, for she alwayswants us all to keep together. As we went along R. Said: Look out, Gretel, I'm going to tickle you some day until you scream. --How absurd, I won't have it, it takes two to do that. 

By the way, in the raffle I won a vase with 2 turtledoves and a bag ofsweets and R. Won a knife, fork and spoon. That annoyed him frightfully. Inspee won a fountain pen, just what I want, and a mirror which makesone look a perfect fright. A good job too, for she fancies herself sucha lot. 

August 29th. O dear, such an awful thing has happened. I have lost pages30 to 34 from my diary. I must have left them in the garden, or else onthe Louisenhohe. It's positively fiendish. If anyone was to find them. And I don't know exactly what there was on those pages. I was bornto ill luck. If I hadn't promised Hella to write my diary every day Ishould like to give up the whole thing. Fancy if Mother were to get holdof it, or even Father. And it's raining so fearfully to-day that I can'teven go into the garden and still less on the Louisenhohe above all notalone. I must have lost it the day before yesterday, for I didn't writeanything yesterday or the day before. It would be dreadful if anyonewere to find it. I am so much upset that I couldn't eat anything atdinner, although we had my favourite chocolate cream cake. And I'm sounhappy for Father was quite anxious and Mother too and they bothasked what was the matter with me and I nearly burst out crying beforeeveryone. We had dinner in the hotel to-day because Resi had gone awayfor 2 days. But I couldn't cry in the room before Father and Mother forthat would have given the show away. My only hope is that no one willrecognise my writing, for Hella and I use upright writing for our diary, first of all so that no one may recognise our writing and secondlybecause upright writing doesn't use up so much paper as ordinarywriting. I do hope it will be fine to-morrow so that I can hunt in thegarden very early. I have been utterly in the dumps all day so that Ididn't even get cross when Inspee said: "Have you been quarrelling withyour future husband?"

August 30th. It's not in the garden. I begged Mother to let us go toLouisenhutte this afternoon. Mother was awfully nice and asked what Iwas so worried about, and whether anything had happened. Then I couldn'tkeep it in any longer and burst out crying. Mother said I must havelost something, and this gave me an awful fright. Mother thought it wasHella's letter, the one which came on Tuesday, so I said: No, much worsethan that, my diary. Mother said: Oh well, that's not such a terribleloss, and will be of no interest to anyone. Oh yes, I said, for thereare all sorts of things written in it about R. And his society. Lookhere, Gretel, said Mother, I don't like this way you talk about R. ; Ireally don't like you to spend all your time with the Warths; they'rereally not our sort and R. Is not a fit companion for you; now thatyou are going to the high school you are not a little girl any longer. Promise me that you'll not be eternally with the Warths. --All right, Mother, I will break it off gradually so that nobody will notice. Sheburst out laughing and kissed me on both cheeks and promised me tosay nothing to Inspee about the diary for she needn't know everything. Mother is such a dear. Still 3 hours and perhaps the pages are stillthere. 

Evening. Thank goodness! In front of the shelter I found 2 pages allpulped by the rain and the writing all run and one page was in thefootpath quite torn. Someone must have trodden on it with the heel ofhis boot and 2 pages had been rolled into a spill and partly burned. Sono one had read anything. I am so happy. And at supper Father said: Isay, why are your eyes shining with delight? Have you won the big prizein the lottery? and I pressed Mother's foot with mine to remind her notto give me away and Father laughed like anything and said: Seems to methere's a conspiracy against me in my own house. And I said in a greathurry: Luckily we're not in our own house but in a hotel, and everyonelaughed and now thank goodness it's all over. Live and learn. I won'tlet that happen again. 

August 31st. Really I'm not so much with the W's and with R. I thinkhe's offended. This afternoon, when I went there to tea, he seized meby the wrist and said: Your father is right, you're a witch. "You needa castigation. " How rude of him. Besides, I didn't know what castigationmeant. I asked Father and he told me and asked where I had picked up theword. I said I had passed 2 gentlemen and had heard one of them use it. What I really thought was that castigation meant tickling. But it isreally horrid to have no one to talk to. Most of the people have gonealready and we have only a week longer. About that castigation business. I don't like fibbing to Father, but I really had to. I couldn't say thatR. Wanted to give me a castigation when I didn't know what it meant. Dora tells a lot more lies than I do and I always love catching her in alie for her lies are so obvious. I'm never caught. It only happened oncewhen Frau Oberst von Stary was there. Father noticed that time, for hesaid: You little rogue, you tarradiddler!

September 3rd. Such a horrid thing has happened. I shall never speak toR. Again. Oswald is quite right in calling him a cad. If I had reallyfallen out of the swing I might have broken my leg 4 days before wehave to start from home. I can't make out how it all happened. It wasfrightful cheek of him to tickle me as he did, and I gave him such akick. I think it was on his nose or his mouth. Then he actually dared tosay: After all I'm well paid out, for what can one expect when one keepscompany with such young monkeys, with such babies. Fine talk from himwhen he's not 14 himself yet. It was all humbug about his being 15 andhe seems to be one of the idlest boys in the school, never anything butSatisfactory in his reports, and he's not in the fifth yet, but only inthe fourth. Anyhow, we've settled our accounts. Cheeky devil. I shallnever tell anyone about it, it will be my first and I hope my lastsecret from Hella. 

September 6th. We are going home to-morrow. The last few days have beenawfully dull. I saw R. Once or twice but I always looked the other way. Father asked what was wrong between me and the Warths and R. , so thatour great friendship had been broken off. Of course I had to fib, forit was absolutely _impossible_ to tell the truth. I said that R. Foundfault with everything I did, my writing, my reading aloud. (That's quitetrue, he did that once) and Father said: Well, well, you'll make it upwhen you say goodbye to-morrow. Father makes a great mistake. I'll neverspeak a word to him again. 

For her birthday, although it's not come yet, Dora is to have a navyblue silk dustcloak. I don't think the colour suits her, and anyhowshe's much too thin to wear a dustcloak. 

September 14th. Hella came back the day before yesterday. She lookssplendid and she says I do too. I'm so glad that she's back. After all Itold her about R. She was very angry and said I ought to have givenhim 2 more; one for the tickling and one for the "baby" and one for the"young monkey. " If we should happen to meet him, shan't we just glare athim. 

September 17th. Inspee has really got the silk dustcloak but I think thetartan hood looks rather silly. Still, I didn't say so, but only thatthe cloak fitted beautifully. She has tried it on at least five timesalready. I don't know whether Father really wants to treat her as agrown-up lady or whether he is making fun of her. I believe he's onlymaking fun. She doesn't really look like a grown-up lady. How couldshe when she's not 14 yet? Yesterday afternoon such a lot of girls wereinvited, and of course Hella was invited on my account and we had agrand talk. But most of them bragged frightfully about the country wherethey _said_ they had been. We were 9 girls. But Hella is the only one Icare about. 

September 21st. School begins to-morrow. By the way, we have agreedto call it Liz [Lyzeum = High School] and not School. I'm frightfullycurious. 

September 22nd, 19--. School began to-day. Hella came to fetch me and wewent along together. Inspee peached on us to Mother, saying we ran on infront of her. We don't want her as governess. There are 34 of us in theclass. Our teachers are a Frau Doktor, 2 mistresses, one professor, andI think a drawing mistress as well. The Frau Doktor teaches German andwriting. She put us together on the 3rd bench. Then she made a speech, then she told us what books to get, but we are not to buy them tillMonday. We have 3 intervals, one long and 2 short. The long one is forgames, the short ones to go out. I usen't to go out at the elementaryschool and now I don't need to. Mother always says that it's only abad habit. Most of the girls went out, and even asked to leave the roomduring lesson time. To-day we hadn't any proper lessons. They are tobegin to-morrow, but we don't know what. Then we came home. 

September 23rd. To-day we had the mistress who teaches geography andhistory, she has no degree. Inspee says that she had her last year, butshe could not stand her, she's so ugly. Father was angry and said toInspee: You silly goose, don't fill her head with such stuff. Showwhat you are worth as elder sister. One can learn something from everymistress and every master if one likes. But I can't say, we're reallyfond of Fraulein Vischer and I don't much care for geography andhistory. Besides I'm not learning for her but for myself. Frau Dr. Mallburg is awfully nice and pretty. We shall always write Frau Dr. M. For short. When she laughs she has two dimples and a gold stopping. Sheis new at the school. I don't know if we are to have singing too. InFrench we have Madame Arnau, she is beautifully dressed, black lace. Hella has a lovely pen and pencil case; it's quite soft, we must have itsoft so that it shan't make a row when it falls down during lesson time. I think it cost 7 crowns or 1. 70 crowns, I don't know exactly. To-daylessons went on until 12, first German, then arithmetic, then religionfor Catholics, and then we came away. Hella waited for me, for the HerrPastor did not come. 

September 24th. We thought the book shops would be open to-day but wewere wrong. Hella's mother said, that's what happens when the chicksthink themselves wiser than the hens. In the afternoon Hella came to ourhouse and Inspee had been invited by the Fs. I don't go there, for it'sso dull, they play the piano all day. I have enough piano at my lessons. My music lessons will begin when the school time-table has been fixedup. Perhaps on October 1st, then I must write to Frau B. , she told me towrite myself. She tells all her pupils to do that. I would rather havehad Hella's music mistress. But she has no time to spare and I think shecharges more. At least she wouldn't always be holding me up "FrauleinDora" as a model. We are not all so musical as Fraulein Dora. In theevening Inspee was reading a great fat book until 10 or 12 o clock andshe simply howled over it. She said she had not, but I heard her and shecould hardly speak. She says she had a cold, liar. 

September 25th. To-day they gave us the professors' time-table, but itwon't work until the professors from the Gymnasium know exactly whenthey can come. Our Frau Doktor might be teaching in a Gymnasium, butsince there is only one here she teaches in our school. To-morrow we aregoing to have a viva voce composition: Our Holidays. We may write 8 or10 sentences at home before we come, but we must not look at what wehave written in class. I've written mine already. But I've not saidanything about Robert. He's not worth thinking about anyhow. I did noteven tell Hella everything. 

September 25th. We had the viva voce composition and Frau Doktor said, very good, what is your name? Grete Lainer I said and she said: Andis that your chum next you? Now she must tell us how she spent herholidays. Hella did hers very well too and Frau Doktor said again, verygood. Then the bell rang. In the long interval Frau Doktor played dodgewith us. It was great fun. I was it six times. In the little intervalswe were quite alone for the staff has such a lot to do drawing up thetime-table. A pupil-teacher from the F. High school is in our class. Shesits on the last bench for she is very tall. As tall as Frau Doktor. 

September 26th. To-day we had Professor Riegel for the first time innatural history. He wears eye-glasses and never looks any of us in theface. And in French Madame A. Said that my accent was the best. We'vegot an awful lot on and I don't know whether I shall be able to writeevery day. The younger girls say Professor Igel instead of Riegel andthe Weinmann girl said Nikel. 

September 30th. I've had simply no time to write. Hella hasn't writtenanything since the 24th. But I must write to-day for I met Robert inSchottengasse. Good morning, Miss, you needn't be so stuck up, he saidas he went by. And when I turned round he had already passed, or I wouldhave given him a piece of my mind. I must go to supper. 

October 1st. I can't write, Oswald has come from S. , he has sprained hisankle, but I'm not so sure because he can get about. He is awfully paleand doesn't say a word about the pain. 

October 4th. To-day is a holiday, the emperor's birthday. Yesterday Resitold me something horrid. Oswald can't go back to S. He has been upto something, I wish I knew what, perhaps something in the closet. Healways stays there such a long time, I noticed that when I was in thecountry. Or perhaps it may have been something in his society. Inspeepretends she knows what it is but of course it isn't true, for shedoesn't know any more than I do. Father is furious and Mother's eyes areall red with crying. At dinner nobody says a word. If I could only findout what he's done. Father was shouting at him yesterday and both Doraand I heard what he said: You young scamp (then there was something wecouldn't understand) and then he said, you attend to your school booksand leave the girls and the married women alone you pitiful scoundrel. And Dora said. Ah, now I understand and I said: Please tell me, he is mybrother as well as yours. But she said: "You wouldn't understand. It'snot suitable for such young ears. " Fancy that, it's suitable for herears, but not mine though she's not quite three years older than I am, but because she no longer wears a short skirt she gives herself the airsof a grown-up _lady_. Such airs, and then she sneaks a great spoonful ofjam so that her mouth is stuffed with it and she can't speak. WheneverI see her do this, I make a point of speaking to her so that she has toanswer. She does get in such a wax. 

October 9th. I know all about it now. . . That's how babies come. And_that_ is what Robert really meant. Not for me, thank you, I simplywon't marry. For if one marries one has to do it; it hurts frightfullyand yet one has to. What a good thing that I know it in time. But I wishI knew exactly how, Hella says she doesn't know exactly herself. Butperhaps her cousin who knows everything about it will tell her. Itlasts nine months till the baby comes and then a lot of women die. It'shorrible. Hella has known it for a long time but she didn't like to tellme. A girl told her last summer in the country. She wanted to talk aboutit to Lizzi her sister, really she only wanted to ask if it was all trueand Lizzi ran off to her mother to tell her what Hella had said And hermother said; "These children are awful, a corrupt generation, don't youdare to repeat it to any other girl, to Grete Lainer, for instance, " andshe gave her a box on the ear. As if she could help it! That is why shedidn't write to me for such a long time. Poor thing, poor thing, but nowshe can tell me all about it and we won't betray one another. And thatdeceitful cat Inspee has known all about it for ages and has never toldme. But I don't understand why that time at the swing Robert said: Youlittle fool, you wont get a baby simply from that. Perhaps Hella knows. When I go to the gymnastic lesson to-morrow I shall talk to her firstand ask her about it. My goodness how curious I am to know. 

October 10th. I'm in a great funk, I missed my gymnastic lessonyesterday. I was upstairs at Hella's and without meaning it I was solate I did not dare to go. And Hella said I had better stay with herthat we would say that our sum was so difficult that we had not got itfinished in time. Luckily we really had a sum to do. But I said nothingabout it at home, for to-morrow Oswald is going to G. To Herr S's. Ithought that I knew all about it but only now has Hella really told meeverything. It's a horrible business this . . . I really can't write it. She says that of course Inspee has it already, had it when I wrotethat Inspee wouldn't bathe, did not want to bathe; really she had it. Whatever happens one must always be anxious about it. _Streams of blood_says Hella. But then everything gets all bl . . . That's why in thecountry Inspee always switched off the light before she was quiteundressed, so that I couldn't see. Ugh! Catch me looking! It begins at14 and goes on for 20 years or more. Hella says that Berta Franke in ourclass knows all about it. In the arithmetic lesson she wrote a note: Doyou know what being un . . . Is? Hella wrote back, of course I've knownit for a long time. Berta waited for her after class when the Catholicswere having their religion lesson and they went home together. Iremember quite well that I was very angry, for they're not chums. OnTuesday Berta came with us, for Hella had sent her a note in classsaying that I knew _everything_ and she needn't bother about me. Inspeesuspects something, she's always spying about and sneering, perhaps shethinks that she's the only person who ought to know anything. 

October 16th. To-morrow is Father's and Dora's birthday. Every year itannoys me that Dora should have her birthday on the same day as Father;What annoys me most of all is that she is so cocky about it, for, asFather always says, it's a mere chance. Besides, I don't think he reallylikes it. Everyone wants to have their own birthday on their own day, not to share it with someone else. And it's always nasty to be stuck upabout a thing like that. Besides, it's not going to be a real birthdaybecause of the row about Oswald. Father is still furious and had to stayaway from the office for 2 days because he had to go to G. To see aboutOswald going there. 

October 17th. It was much jollier to-day than I had expected. All theBruckners came, so of course there was not much said about Oswald onlythat he has sprained his ankle, (I know quite well now that that's nottrue) and that he is probably going to G. Colonel B. Said: The bestthing for a boy is to send him to a military academy, that keeps himin order. In the evening Oswald said: That was awful rot what Hella'sfather said, for you can be expelled from a military academy just aseasily as from the Gymnasium. That's what happened to Edgar Groller. Oswald gave himself away and Dora promptly said: Ah, so you have beenexpelled, and we believed you had sprained your ankle. Then he got inan awful wax and said: O you wretched flappers, I've gone and blabbed itall now, and he went away slamming the door, for Mother wasn't there. 

October 19th. If we could only find out what Oswald really did. It musthave been something with a girl. But we can't think what Father meantabout a married woman. Perhaps a married woman complained of him to thehead master or to the school committee and that's how it all came out. Ifeel awfully sorry for him, for I think how I should have felt myself ifeverything had come out about Robert and me. Of course I don't care now. But in the summer it would have been awful. Oswald hardly says a word, except that he has talks with Mother sometimes. He always pretends thathe wants to read, but it's absurd, for with such a love trouble onecan't really read. I have not told Berta Franke all about it, but onlythat my brother has had an unhappy love affair and that is why he isback in Vienna. Then she told us that this summer a cousin of hers shothimself because of her. They said in the newspapers that it was becauseof an actress, but really it was because of her. She is 14 already. 

October 20th. We spend most of our time now with Berta Franke. She saysshe has had a tremendous lot of experience, but she can't tell us yetbecause we are not intimate enough. By and by she says. Perhaps sheis afraid we shall give her away. She wants to marry when she is 16 atlatest. That's in 2 years. Of course she won't have finished school bythen, but she will have left the third class. She has three admirers, but she has not yet made up her mind which to choose. Hella says Imustn't believe all this, that the story about the three admirers atonce is certainly a cram. 

October 21st. Berta Franke says that when one is dark under the eyes onehas it and that when one gets a baby then one doesn't have it any moreuntil one gets another. She told us too how one gets it, but I didn'treally believe what she said, for I thought she did not know herselfexactly. Then she got very cross and said: "All right, I won't tell youany more. If I don't know myself. " But I can't believe what she saidabout husband and wife. She said it must happen every night, for if notthey don't have a baby; if they miss a single night they don't have ababy. That's why they have their beds so close together. People callthem _marriage beds!!!_ And it hurts so frightfully that one can hardlybear it. But one has to for a husband can make his wife do it. I shouldlike to know how he can make her. But I didn't dare to ask for I wasafraid she would think I was making fun of her. Men have it too, butvery seldom. We see a lot of Berta Franke now, she is an awfully nicegirl, perhaps Mother will let me invite her here next Sunday. 

October 23rd. Father took Oswald away to-day. Mother cried such a lot. When Oswald was leaving I whispered to him: I know what's the matterwith you. But he did not understand me for he said: Silly duffer. Perhaps he only said that because of Father who was looking on with afearful scowl. 

October 27th. Everything seems to have gone wrong. Yesterday I gotunsatisfactory in history, and in arithmetic to-day I couldn't get asingle sum right. I'm frightfully worried about missing that gymnasticlesson. It will be all right if Mother gives me the money to-morrow, forif she goes herself she will certainly find out about it. 

October 28th. To-day the head mistress was present at our French lessonand said awfully nice things about me. She said I was good enough inFrench to be in the Third and then she asked me whether I was as good inthe other subjects. I didn't want to say either Yes or No, and all theother girls said Yes, she's good at everything. The head patted me onthe shoulder and said: I'm glad to hear that. When she had gone I criedlike anything and Madame Arnau asked: Why, what's the matter? and theother girls said: In arithmetic she had Unsatisfactory but she canreally do her sums awfully well. Then Madame said: "You'll soon wipe offthat Unsatisfactory. "

October 30th. To-day I had a frightful bother with Fraulein Vischer inthe history lesson. Yesterday when I got into the tram with Mother therewas Fraulein V. I looked the other way so that Mother shouldn't see herand so that she should not tell Mother about me. When she came in to-dayshe said: Lainer, do you know the rules? I knew directly what she meantand said "I did bow to you in the tram but you didn't see me. " "That's afine thing to do, first you do wrong and then try to excuse yourself bytelling a lie. Sit down!" I felt awful for all the girls looked at me. In the 11 interval Berta Franke said to me: Don't worry, she's got herknife into you and will always find something to complain of. She musthave spoken to Frau Doktor M. , for in the German lesson the subject forviva voce composition was Good Manners. And all the girls looked at meagain. She didn't say anything more. She's a perfect angel, my darlingE. M. , her name is Elisabeth; but she does not keep her name-day becauseshe's a Protestant; that's an awful shame because November 19th iscoming soon. 

October 31st. I've been so lucky. Nothing's come out about the gymnasticlesson though Mother was there herself. And in mental arithmetic to-dayI got a One. Fraulein Steiner is awfully nice too and she said: Why, L. What was the matter with you in your sums the other day, for you're sogood at arithmetic? I didn't know what to do so I said: Oh I had such aheadache the other day. Then Berta Franke nearly burst out laughing, it was horrid of her; I don't think she's quite to be trusted; I thinkshe's rather a sneak. When the lesson was over she said she had laughedbecause "headache" means something quite different. 

November 1st. To-day we began to work at the tablecloth for Father'sChristmas present. Of course Inspee bagged the right side because that'seasier to work at and I had to take the left side and then one hasthe whole caboodle on one's hand. For Mother I'm making an embroideredleather book cover, embroidered with silk and with a painted design;I can do the painting part at school in Fraulein H. 's lesson, she'sawfully nice too. But I like Frau Doktor M. Best of all. I'm _not_ goingto invite Berta Franke because of the way she laughed yesterday, andbesides Mother doesn't like having strange girls to the house. November2nd. I don't know all about things yet. Hella knows a lot more. We saidwe were going to go over our natural history lesson together and we wentin to the drawing-room, and there she told me a lot more. Then Mali, our new servant, came in, and she told us something horrid. Resi is in ahospital because she's ill. Mali told us that all the Jews when theyare quite little have to go through a very dangerous operation; it hurtsfrightfully and that's why they are so cruel. It's done so that they canhave more children; but only little boys, not little girls. It's horrid, and I should not like to marry a Jew. Then we asked Mali whether it istrue that it hurts so frightfully and she laughed and said: It can't beso bad as all that, for if it were you wouldn't find everyone doing it. Then Hella asked her: But have you done it already, you haven't got ahusband? She said: Go on, Miss! One mustn't ask such questions it's notladylike. We were in an awful funk, and begged her not to tell Mother. She promised not to. 

November 5th. Everything has come out through that stupid waist band. Yesterday when I was tidying my drawers Mali came in to make the bedsand saw my fringed waistband. "I say, she said, that is pretty!" Youcan have it if you like, I said, for I've given up wearing it. At dinneryesterday I noticed that Mother was looking at Mali and I blushedall over. After dinner Mother said, Gretel, did you give Mali thatwaistband? Yes, I said, she asked me for it. She came in at that momentto clear away and said: "No, I never asked for it, Fraulein Grete gaveit to me herself. " I don't know what happened after that, I'd gone backto my room when Mother came in and said: A fine lot of satisfaction onegets out of one's children. Mali has told me the sort of things you andHella talk about. I ran straight off to the kitchen and said to Mali:How could you tell such tales of us? It was you who chipped in when wewere talking. It was frightfully mean of you. In the evening _she_ mustneeds go and complain of me to Father and he scolded me like anythingand said: You're a fine lot, you children, I must say. You are not tosee so much of Hella now, do you understand?

November 6th. A fine thing this, that I'm a silly fool now. When I gaveHella a nudge so that she should not go on talking before Mali, shelaughed and said: What does it matter, Mali knows all about it, probablya great deal more than we do. It was only after that that Mali told usabout the Jews. Now, if you please, I am a silly fool. All right, nowthat I know what I am, a silly fool. And that's what one's best friendcalls one!

November 7th. Hella and I are very stand-offish. We walk together, butwe only talk of everyday things, school and lessons, nothing else. Wewent skating to-day for the first time and we shall go whenever we havetime, which is not very often. Mother is working at the table cloth. It's very hard work but she has not got as much to do as we have. 

November 8th. There was such a lovely young lady skating to-day, andshe skates so beautifully, inside and outside edge and figures of 8. Iskated along behind her. When she went to the cloak room there was sucha lovely scent. I wonder if she is going to be married soon and whether_she_ knows all about everything. She is so lovely and she pushes backthe hair from her forehead so prettily. I wish I were as pretty as sheis. But I am dark and she is fair. I wish I could find out her name andwhere she lives. I must go skating again to-morrow; do my lessons in theevening. 

November 9th. I'm so upset; _she_ didn't come to skate. I'm afraid shemay be ill. 

November 10th. She didn't come to-day either. I waited two hours, but itwas no good. 

November 11th. She came to-day, at last! Oh how pretty she is. 

November 12th. She has spoken to me. I was standing near the entrancegate and suddenly I heard some one laughing behind me and I knewdirectly: That is _she!_ So it was. She came up and said: Shall we skatetogether? Please, if I may, said I, and we went off together crossingarms. My heart was beating furiously, and I wanted to say something, but couldn't think of anything sensible to say. When we came back to theentrance a gentleman stood there and took off his hat and she bowed, andshe said to me: Till next time. I said quickly: When? Tomorrow?Perhaps, she called back. . . . Only perhaps, perhaps, oh I wish it wereto-morrow already. 

November 13th. Inspee declares that her name is Anastasia Klastoschek. I'm sure it can't be true that she has such a name, she might be calledEugenie or Seraphine or Laura, but Anastasia, impossible. Why are theresuch horrid names? Fancy if she is really called that. Klastoschek, too, a Czech name, and she is supposed to come from Moravia and to be 26already; 26, absurd, she's 18 at most. I'm sure she's not so much as18. Dora says she lives in Phorusgasse, and that she doesn't think herparticularly pretty. Of course that's rank jealousy; Dora thinks no onepretty except herself. 

November 14th. I asked the woman at the pay box, her name really isAnastasia Klastoschek and she lives in the Phorusgasse; but the womandidn't know how old she is. She would not tell me at first but asked whyI wanted to know and who had sent me to enquire. She wouldn't look intothe book until I told her that it was _only for myself_ that I wanted toknow. Then she looked, for I knew the number of the cloak room locker:36, a lovely number, I like it so much. I don't really know why, butwhen I hear anyone say that number it sounds to me like a squirreljumping about in the wood. 

November 20th. It's really impossible to write every day. Mother is illin bed and the doctor comes every day, but I don't really know what'sthe matter with her. I'm not sure whether the doctor knows exactly. When Mother is ill everything at home is so uncomfortable and she alwayssays: Whatever you do don't get ill, for it's such a nuisance. ButI don't mind being ill; indeed I rather like being ill, for theneveryone's so nice, when Father comes home he comes and sits by my bedand even _Dora_ is rather nice and does things for me; that is she _has_to. Besides, when she had diptheria two years ago I did everythingI could for her, she nearly died, her temperature went up to 107 andMother was sick with crying. Father never cries. It must look funny whena man cries. When there was all that row about Oswald he cried, I thinkFather had given him a box on the ear. He said he hadn't but I thinkhe had; certainly he cried, though he said he didn't. After all, whyshouldn't he for he's not really grown up yet. I cry myself when I getfrightfully annoyed. Still I shouldn't cry for a box on the ear. 

November 21st. In the religion lesson to-day Lisel Schrotter who is theHerr Catechist's favourite, no we've got to call him Herr Professor, as she is the Herr Professor's favourite, well she went to him with theBible and asked him what _with child_ meant. That's what they say ofMary in the Bible. The Schrotter girl does not know anything yet and theother girls egged her on till she went and asked. The Herr Professor gotquite red and said: If you don't know yet it does not matter. We shallcome to that later, we're still in the Old Testament. I was so gladthat Hella does not sit next me in the religion lesson, because she'sa Protestant; we should certainly have both burst out laughing. Someof the girls giggled frightfully and the Herr Professor said to Lisel:You're a good girl, don't bother about the others. But Lisel positivelyhowled. I would not have asked, even if I hadn't really known. _Withchild_ is a stupid word anyhow, it doesn't mean anything really; only ifone knows. 

November 22nd. When I was coming away from the religion lesson withBerta Franke the other day, of course we began talking about _it_. Shesays that's why people marry, only because of _it_. I said I could notbelieve that people marry only for _that_. Lots of people marry and thenhave no children. That's all right said Berta, but it's quite true whatI tell you. Then she told me a lot more but I really can't write itall down. It is too horrid, but I shan't forget. When I was sittingon Mother's bed to-day I suddenly realised that Father's bed is reallyquite close to Mother's. I had never thought about it before. But it'snot really necessary now for we are all quite big. Still I supposethey've just left things as they were. Well dear, said Mother, what areyou looking round so for? Of course I didn't let on, but said: I wasonly looking round and thinking that if your bed was where the washstandis you could see to read better when you are lying in bed. That wouldnot do because the wall's all wrong said Mother. I said nothing more andshe didn't either. I like much better to sleep on a sofa than in a bed, because I like to snuggle up against the back. I'm so glad Motherdidn't notice anything. One has to be so frightfully careful not to giveoneself away when one knows everything. 

November 25th. I have just been reading a lovely story; it is called_A True Heart_ and is about a girl whose betrothed has had to leave herbecause he has shot a man who was spying on him. But Rosa remains trueto him till he comes back after 10 years and then they marry. It'ssimply splendid and frightfully sad at first. I do love these librarybooks, but when we were at the elementary school I knew all the booksthey had and the mistress never knew what to give me and Hella. In thehigh school we get only one book a month, for the Frau Doktor says wehave plenty of work to do, and that when we are not at work we ought tobe out in the fresh air. I can't manage to go skating every day. I dolove the Gold Fairy, that is my name for _her_, for I hate her realname. Inspee declares that they call her Stasi for short, but I don'tbelieve that; most likely they call her Anna, but that's so common. Thank goodness Hella always calls me Rita, so at school I'm known asRita. It's only at home that they will call me Gretl. The other day Isaid to Inspee: If you want me to call you Thea you must call me Rita;and anyhow I won't let you call me Gretl, that's what they call a littlegirl or a peasant girl. She said: I don't care tuppence what _you_ callme. All right, then, she shall be Dora till the end of time. 

November 27th. Father has been made Appeal Court Judge. He is awfullyglad and so is Mother. The news came yesterday evening. Now he canbecome President of the Supreme Court, not directly, but in a few years. We shall probably move to a larger house in May. Inspee said to Motherthat she hoped she would have her _own_ room where she would not be_disturbed_. How absurd, who disturbs her, I suppose I do? Much morelike she disturbs me, always watching while I'm writing my diary. Hellaalways says: "There really ought not to be any elder sisters;" she'sjolly well right. It's a pity we can't alter things. Mother says we arereally too big to keep St. Nicholas, but I don't see why one should everbe too big for that. Last year Inspee got something from St. Nicholaswhen she was 13 and I'm not 12 yet. All we get are chocolates and sweetsand dates and that sort of thing, not proper presents. The girls want togive the Frau Doktor a great Krampus * to leave it on her desk. I thinkthat's silly. It's not a proper present for a teacher one is really fondof, one doesn't want to waste sweets on a teacher one doesn't like, andto give an empty Krampus would be rude. Mother is really right and aKrampus is only suitable for children. 

 * Krampus=Ruprechtsknecht, i. E. A little Demon, who serves St. Nicholas, and is a bogey man to carry off naughty children An image of this Demon filled with sweets, is given as a present on the feast of St. Nicholas which inaugurates the Christmas season. --Translators' Note. 

December 1st. We are giving everyone of the staff a Krampus, each ofus is to subscribe a crown, I hope Father will give me the crown extra. Perhaps he'll give us more pocket money now, at least another crown, that would be splendid. We are going to give big Krampuses to the oneswe like best, and: small ones to those we are not so fond of. We'reafraid to give one to Professor J. But if he doesn't get one perhapshe'll be offended. 

December 2nd. To-day we went to buy Krampuses for the staff. The one forFrau Doktor M. Is the finest. When you open it the first thing you seeis little books with Schiller, Goethe, and Fairy Tales written on thebacks, and then underneath these are the sweets. That's exactly suitedfor her, for the Frau Doktor teaches German and in the Fourth in Germanthey are reading these poets. Last month in the Fourth they had aSchiller festival and Frau Doktor made a splendid speech and some ofthe girls gave recitations. Besides Hella has shown me an awful poem bySchiller. There you can read: if only I could catch her in the bath, shewould cry for mercy, for I would soon show the girl that I am a man. Andthen in another place: "To my mate in God's likeness I can show _that_which is the source of life. " But you can only find that in the _large_editions of Schiller. I believe we've got some books of that sort inour bookcase, for when Inspee was rummaging there the other day Mothercalled from the next room: "Dora, what are you hunting for in thebookcase? I can tell you where it is. " And she said: Oh, it's nothing, Iwas just looking for something, and shut the door quickly. 

December 4th. The girls are so tiresome and have made such a muddleabout the Krampuses for the staff. The money didn't come out right andKeller said that Markus had taken some but Markus said not taken onlykept. Of course Markus complained to Frau Doktor and her father went tothe head and complained too. Frau Doktor said we know quite well thatcollections are not allowed and that we must not give any one a Krampus. Now Keller has the five Krampuses and we don't know what to do about it. Mother says that sort of thing never turns out well but always ends in aquarrel. 

December 5th. We are in such a funk: Hella and I and Edith Bergler havetaken the Krampus which we bought for Frau Doktor M. And put it on herdoorstep. Edith Bergler knew where she lived for she comes by thereevery day on her way to school. I wonder if she'll guess where theKrampus comes from. I did not know that Edith Bergler was such anice girl, I always thought she must be deceitful because she wearsspectacles. But now I'm quite certain she is not deceitful, so one seeshow easy it is to make a mistake. To-morrow's our German lesson. 

December 6th. Frau Doktor did not say anything at first. Then she gaveout the subject for the essay: "Why once I could not go to sleep atnight. " The girls were all taken aback, and then Frau Doktor said:Now girls that's not so very difficult. One person cannot go to sleepbecause he's just going to be ill, another because he is excited by joyor fear. Another has an uneasy conscience because he has done somethingwhich he has been forbidden to do; have not all of you experiencedsomething of the kind? Then she looked frightfully hard at Edith Berglerand us two. She did not say anything more, so we don't really know ifshe suspects. I couldn't go to the ice carnival yesterday because Ihad such a bad cough, and Dora couldn't go either because she had aheadache; I don't know whether it was a real headache or _that kind_ ofheadache; but I expect it was that kind. 

December 17th. I haven't managed to write anything for a whole week. The day before yesterday we had our Christmas reports: In history I hadsatisfactory, in Natural History good, in everything else very good. Indiligence because of that stupid Vischer I had only a 2. Father was veryangry; he says everyone can get a 1 in diligence. That's true enough, but if one has satisfactory in anything then one can't get a 1 fordiligence. Inspee of course had only 1's, except a 2 in English. Butthen she's a frightful swot. Verbenowitsch is the best in our class, butwe can't any of us bear her, she's so frantically conceited and BertaFranke says she's _not to be trusted_. Berta walks to school with hercousin who's in the seventh; she's nearly 14, and is awfully pretty. Shedidn't say what sort of a report she had, but I believe it was a verybad one. 

December 18th. To-day at supper Dora fainted because she found a littlechicken in her egg, not really a chicken yet, but one could make outthe wings and the head, just a sketch of a chicken Father said. Still, I really can't see what there was to faint about. Afterwards she said ithad made her feel quite creepy. And she'll never be able to eat anotheregg. At first Father was quite frightened and so was Mother, but then helaughed and said: What a fuss about nothing! She had to go and lie downat once and I stayed downstairs for a long time. When I came up to ourroom she was reading, that is I saw the light through the crack in thedoor; but when I opened the door it was all dark and when I asked: Ah soyou're still reading she didn't answer and she pretended to wake up whenI switched on the light and said: What's the matter? I can't stand suchhumbug so I said: Shut up, you know quite well it's 9 o-clock. That'sall. On our way to school to-day we didn't Speak a word to one another. Luckily after awhile we met a girl belonging to her class. 

December 19th. I'm frightfully excited to know what I'm going to get forChristmas. What I've wished for is: A set of white furs, boa, muff, and velvet cap trimmed with the same fur, acme skates because mine arealways working loose, _German_ sagas, not Greek; no thank you, hairribbons, openwork stockings, and if possible a gold pin like the oneHella got for a birthday present. But Father says that our Christ Childwould find that rather too expensive. Inspee wants a corset. But I don'tthink she'll get one because it's unhealthy. The tablecloth for Fatheris finished and is being trimmed, but Mother's book cover is not quiteready yet. I'm giving Dora a little manicure case. Oh, and I'd nearlyforgotten what I want more than anything else, a lock-up box in which tokeep my diary. Dora wants some openwork stockings too and three books. Afrightful thing happened to me the other day. I left one of the pagesof my diary lying about or lost one somehow or other. When I came homeInspee said: "you've lost _this_, haven't you? School notes I suppose?"I didn't notice what it was for a moment, but then I saw by the lookof it and said: Yes, those are school notes. Hm-m-m, said Inspee, notexactly that are they? You can thank your stars that I've not shown themto Mother. Besides people who can't spell yet really ought not to keepdiaries. It's not suitable for children. I was in a wax. In the closetI took a squint to see what mistakes I had made. There was only _wenn_with one _n_ instead of double _n_ and _dass_ with short _ss's_, that'sall. I was jolly glad that there was nothing about _her_ on the page. She'd underlined the _n_ and the short _ss's_ with red, just as if shewas a schoolmistress, infernal cheek! The best would be to have a bookwith a lock to it, which one could alway keep locked, then no one couldread any of it and underline one's mistakes in red. I often write sofast that it's easy to make a slip now and again. As if she never made amistake. The whole thing made me furious. But I can't say anything aboutit because of Mother, at least on the way to school; but no, if I saynothing at all then she always gets more waxy than ever. If I were tosay much about it Mother might remember those 5 pages I lost in thecountry and I'd rather not thank you. 

December 22nd. Aunt Dora came to-day. She's going to stay with us for atime till Mother is quite well again. I didn't remember her at all, forI was only four or five when she went away from Vienna. You dear littleblack beetle she said to me and gave me a kiss. I didn't like the_black_ much, but Hella says that suits me, that it's _piquant_. _Piquant_ is what the officers always say of her cousin in Krems, Fathersays she is a beauty, and she's dark like me. But I'd rather be fair, fair with brown eyes or better still with violet eyes. Shall I grow up abeauty? Oh I do hope I shall!

December 23rd. I am frightfully excited about to-morrow. I wonder whatI shall get? Now I must go and decorate the Christmas tree. Inspee said:Hullo, is _Gretl_ going to help decorate this year? She's never done itbefore! I should like to know why not. But Aunt Dora took my side. "Ofcourse she'll help decorate too; but please don't stuff yourselveswith sweets. " "If Dora doesn't eat anything I shan't either, " said Ipromptly. 

Evening. Yesterday was our last day at school. The holidays are from the23rd to January 2nd. It's glorious. I shall be able to go skating everyday. Of course I had no time to-day and shan't have to--morrow. I wonderwhether I should send the Gold Fairy a Christmas card. I wish she had aprettier name. Anastasia Klastoschek; it is so ugly. All Czech namesare so ugly. Father knows a Count Wilczek, but a still worse name isSchafgotsch. Nothing would induce me to marry anyone called Schafgotschor Wilczek even if he were a count and a millionaire. Yesterday wepaid our respects to the staff, Verbenowitsch and I went to Frau Doktorbecause she is fondest of us, or is _said_ to be. Nobody wanted to go toProfessor Rigl, Igel, we always say Nikel, for when he has respects paidto him he always says: "Aw ri'. " But it would have been rude to leavehim out and so the monitors had to go. When Christmas was drawing nearFrau Doktor told us that we were none of us to give presents to thestaff. "I beg you, girls, to bear in mind what I am saying, for if youdo not there will only be trouble. You remember what happened on St. Nicholas' day. And you must not send anything to the homes of the staff, nor must the Christ Child leave anything on any one's doorstep. " As shesaid this she looked hard at me and Edith Bergler, so she knows who leftthe Krampus. I'm so tired I can't keep my eyes open. Hurrah, to-morrowis Christmas Eve!!!

December 24th. Christmas Eve afternoon is horrid. One does not know whatto be at. I'm not allowed to go skating so the best thing is to write. Oswald came home yesterday. Everyone says he's looking splendid; I thinkhe's awfully pale and he snorted when everyone said he had such a finecolour; of course, how can he look well when he has such a _heartache_. I wish I could tell him that I understand what he feels, but he's tooproud to accept sympathy from me. He has wished for an army revolver forChristmas, but I don't think he'll get one for boys at the middle schoolare not allowed to have any firearms. Not long ago at a Gymnasium inGalicia one of the boys shot a master out of revenge; they said it wasbecause the boy was getting on badly with his work, but really it wasabout a girl, although the master was 36 years old. This morg. I wasin town with Oswald shopping; we met the Warths, Elli and . . . Robert. Oswald said that Elli was quite nice-looking but that Robert was an uglybeast. Besides, he can't stand him he said, because he glared at me so. If only he knew what happened in the summer! I was awfully condescendingto Robert and that made him furious. If one could only save you girlsfrom all the troubles which the world calls "Love, " said Oswald on theway home. I was just going to say "I know that you're unhappy in loveand I can feel for you, " when Inspee came round the corner of theBognergasse with her chum and 2 officers were following them, so noneof them saw us. "Great Scott, Frieda's full-fledged now, " said Oswald, "she's a little tart. " I can't stand that sort of vulgarity so I didnot say another word all the way home. He noticed and said to Mother:"Gretl's mouth has been frozen up from envy. " That's all. But it wasreally disgusting of him and now I know what line to take. 

Just a moment for a word or two. The whole Christmas Eve has gone topot. A commissionaire came with a bouquet for Dora and Father is fuming. I wish I knew who sent it. I wonder if it was one of those 2 officers?Of course Inspee says she has not the ghost of an idea. What surprisesme is that Oswald has not given her away. All he said was: I say, whata lark! But Father was down on him like anything, "You hold your jawand think of your own beastly conduct. " I didn't envy him; I don't thinkmuch of Dora's looks myself, but apparently she pleases _someone_. Inthe bouquet there was a poem and Dora got hold of it quickly beforeFather had seen it. It was awfully pretty, and it was signed: One forwhom you have made Christmas beautiful! The heading is: "The MagicSeason. " I think Dora's splendid not to give herself away; even to meshe declares she does not know who sent it; but of course that may beall humbug. I think it really comes from young Perathoner, with whomshe's always skating. 

December 28th. I've had absolutely no time to write. I got everything Iwanted. Aunt Dora gave both of us an opera glass in mother-of-pearl ina plush case. We are going to all the school performances, Father'sarranged it; he has subscribed to _all_ the performances during theschool year 19-- to 19--. I am so delighted for Frau Doktor M. Will cometoo. I do hope I shall sit next to her. 

December 31st. To-day I wanted to read through all I have written, but Icould not manage it but in the new year I really must write every day. 

January 1st, 19--. I must write a few sentences at least. For theafternoon we had been invited to the Rydberg's the Warths were there andEdle von Wernhoff!! I was just the same as usual with Lisel but I wouldnot say a word to R. They left before us, and then Heddy asked me whatwas wrong between me and R. He had said of me: Any one can have the_black goose for me_. Then he said that any one could take me in. I wasso stupid that I would believe anything. I can't think what he meant, for he never took me in about anything. Anyhow I would not let _him_spoil new year's day for me. But Hella is quite right for if thefirst person one meets on January 1st is a common person that's a badbeginning. The first thing this morning when I went out I met our oldpostman who's always so grumpy if he's kept waiting at the door. I looked the other way directly and across the street a fine younggentleman was passing, but it was no good for the common postman hadreally been the first. 

January 12th. I am so angry. _We_ mayn't go skating any more becauseInspee has begun to complain again of her silly old ears and Motherimagines that she got her earache last year skating. It's all right tokeep _her_ at home; but why shouldn't _I_ go? How can _I_ help it when_she_ gets a chill so easily? In most things Father is justice itself, but I really can't understand him this time. It's simply absurd, onlyit's too miserable to call it absurd. I'm in a perfect fury. Still, Idon't say anything. 

February 12th. I have not written for a whole month, I've been workingso hard. To-day we got our reports. Although I've been working sofrightfully hard, again I only got a 2 in Diligence. Frau Doktor M. Madea splendid speech and said: As you sow, so you shall reap. But that'snot always true. In Natural History I did not know my lesson twice butI got a 1, and in History I only did not know my lesson once and I gotSatisfactory. Anyhow Fraulein V. Does not like me because of that timewhen I did not bow to her in the tram. That is why in January, whenMother asked about me, she said: "She does not really put her backinto her work. " I overheard Father say: After all she's only a kid, butto-day he made a frightful row about the 2 in Diligence. He might haveknown why she gave me that. Dora, _so she says_, has only ones, butshe has not shown me the report. I don't believe what I don't see. AndMother never gives her away to me. 

February 15th. Father is furious because Oswald has an Unsatisfactory inGreek. Greek is really no use; for no one uses Greek, except the peoplewho live in Greece and Oswald will never go there, if he is going to bea judge like Father. _Of course_ Dora learns Latin; but not for me thankyou. Hella's report is not particularly good and her father was in a_perfect fury!!!_ He says she ought to have a better report than any oneelse. She does not bother much and says: One can't have everything. Butif she doesn't get nothing but ones in the summer term she is notto stay at the high school and will have to go to the middle school. That'll make her sit up. Father's awfully funny too: What have you gothistory books for, if you don't read them? Yesterday when I was readingmy album of stories, Father came in and said: You like a story bookbetter than a history book, and shut the book up and took it away fromme. I was in such a temper that I went to bed at 7 o'clock without anysupper. 

February 20th. I met the Gold Fairy to-day. She spoke to me and askedwhy I did not come skating any more. The fancy dress Ice Carnival on the24th was splendid she said. I said: Would you believe it, a year ago my_sister_ had an earache, and _for that reason_ they won't allow_either_ of us to skate this year. She laughed like anything and said soexquisitely: Oh, what a wicked sister. She looked perfectly ravishing:A red-brown coat and skirt trimmed with fur, sable I believe, and a hugebrown beaver hat with crepe-de-chine ribbons, lovely. And her eyes andmouth. I believe she will marry the man who is always going about withher. Next autumn, when we get new winter clothes, I shall have a furtrimmed red-brown. We must not always be dressed alike. Hella and Lizziare never dressed alike. 

March 8th. I shall never say another word to Berta Franker she's utterlyfalse. I've such a frightful headache because I cried all throughthe lesson. She wrote to Hella and me in the arithmetic lesson: A_Verhaltnis_ ** means something quite different. Just at that moment themistress looked across and said: To whom were you nodding? She said: ToLainer. Because she laughed at the word "Verhaltnis. " It was not true. I had not thought about the word at all. It wasn't till I had read thenote that it occurred to Hella and me what _Verhaltnis_ means. After thelesson Fraulein St. Called us down into the teachers' room and toldFrau Doktor M. That Franke and I had laughed at the use of the word"Verhaltnis. " Frau Doktor said: What was there to laugh at? Why did younot just do your sums? Fraulein St. Said: You ought to be ashamed ofyourselves, young girls in the first class shouldn't know anything aboutsuch things. I shall have to speak to your mothers. In the German lessonFrau Doktor M. Told us to write an essay on the proverb: Pure theheart and true the word, clear the brow and free the eye, these are oursafeguards, or something of that sort; I must get Hella to write it forme, for I was crying all through the lesson. 

 ** The German word Verhaltnis as used in the arithmetic lesson means ratio, proportion. The word is in common use in Germany for a love intimacy or liaison. --Translators' Note. 

March 10th. To-day Berta Franke wanted to talk things out with us; butHella and I told her we would not speak to her again. We told her toremember _what sort_ of things she had said to us. She denied it allalready. We shouldn't be such humbugs. It was mean of her. Really wedidn't know anything and _she_ told us all about it. Hella has toldme again and again she wished we didn't know anything. She says she'salways afraid of giving herself away and that she often thinks aboutthat sort of thing when she ought to be learning her lessons. So doI. And one often dreams about such things at night when one has beentalking about them in the afternoon. Still, it's better to know allabout it. 

March 22nd. I so seldom manage to write anything, first of all ourlessons take such a lot of time, and second because I don't care aboutit any more since what Father said the other day. The last time I wrotewas on Saturday afternoon, and Father came in and said: Come alongchildren, we'll go to Schonbrunn. That will do you more good thanscribbling diaries which you only go and lose when you've written them. So Mother told Father all about it in the holidays. I couldn't havebelieved it of Mother for I begged her to promise not to tell anyone. And she said: One doesn't promise about a thing like that; but I won'ttell anyone. And now she must have told about it, although she said shewouldn't. Even Franke's deceitfulness was nothing to that for after allwe've only known her since last autumn, but I could never have believedthat Mother would do such a thing. I told Hella when we were having teaat the Tivoli and she said she would not altogether trust her mother, she'd rather trust her father. But if that had happened to _her_, herfather would have boxed her ears with the diary. I did not want to showanything, but in the evening I only gave Mother quite a little kiss. Andshe said, what's the matter, dear? has anything happened? Then I couldnot keep it in and I cried like anything and said: You've betrayed me. And Mother said: "I?" Yes, you; you told Father about the diary thoughyou promised me you wouldn't. At first Mother didn't remember anythingabout it, but soon she remembered and said: "But, little one, I tellFather everything. All you meant was that Dora was not to know. " That'squite true, it's all right that Dora wasn't told; but still Father neednot have been told either. And Mother was awfully sweet and nice and Ididn't go to bed till 10 o'clock. But whatever happens I shan't tellher anything again and I don't care about the old diary any more. Hellasays: Don't be stupid; I ought just to go on writing; but another timeI should be careful not to lose anything, and besides I should not blabeverything to Mother and Father. She says she no longer tells her motheranything since that time in the summer when her mother gave her a box onthe ear because that other girl had told her all about everything. It'squite true, Hella is right, I'm just a child still in the way I run toMother and tell her everything. And it's not nice of Father to tease meabout my diary; I suppose he never kept one himself. 

March 27th. Hurrah we're going to Hainfeld for Easter; I am sodelighted. Mother has a friend there whose husband is doctor there, soshe has to live there all the year round. Last year in the winter sheand Ada stayed three days with us because her eyes were bad. Ada isreally nearly as old as Dora, but Dora said, like her cheek: "Herintellectual level makes her much more suitable company for you than forme. " Dora thinks herself cleverer than anyone else. They have 2 boys, but I don't know them very well for they are only 8 and 9. Mother'sfriend was in an asylum once, for she went off her head when her 2 yearold baby died. I remember it quite well. It must have been more than 2years ago when Father and Mother were always talking of poor Anna whohad lost her child within 3 days. And I believed she had really lost it, and once I asked whether they had found it yet. I thought it had beenlost in the forest, because there's such a great forest at Hainfeld. Andsince then I can't bear to hear people say lost when they mean dead, forit is so difficult to know which they really mean. 

On the 8th of April the Easter holidays will begin and we shall go onthe 11th, on Maundy Thursday. 

April 6th. I don't know what to do about writing my diary. I don't wantto take it with me and as for remembering everything and writing it downafterwards I know quite well I should never do that. Hella says I shouldonly jot it down in outline, that's what Frau Doktor M. Always says, andwrite it out properly after I come back from Hainfeld. That's what shedoes. They are going to the Brioni Islands. I've never seen the sea. Hella says there's nothing so wonderful about it. She's been there fourtimes. Anyway she does not think so much of it as most people do. So itcan't be anything so frightfully grand. Rather stupid I dare say. 

April 12th. We got here yesterday. Ada is a darling but the two boysare awfully vulgar. Ernstl said to Ada: I shall give you a smack on thea---- if you don't give me my pistol directly. Ada is as tall as hermother. Their speech is rather countrified Even the doctor's. He drinksa frightful lot of beer; quarts I believe. 

April 14th. Father came to-day. He's awfully fond of the doctor. Theykissed one another. It did make me laugh. In the morning we were inthe forest; but there are no violets yet, only a few snowdrops, but atremendous lot of hellebores quite red. 

April 15th. We got up at 4 yesterday morning. We did not go into thechurch for Mother was afraid that the smell of incense and boots wouldmake Dora feel bad. What rot! It was lovely. This afternoon we are goingto Ramsau, it's lovely there. 

April 16th. Father went home to-day. We go home to-morrow. AtWhitsuntide Ada's mother is going to bring her to be confirmed. Theyare all coming to stay with us. I got stuck in a bog on the bank of theRamsau. It was awful. But the doctor pulled me out and then we did alllaugh so when we saw what my shoes and stockings were like. Luckily Iwas able to catch hold of a tree stump or I should have sunk right in. 

April 18th. Hella says it was splendid at the Brioni Islands. She isfrightfully sunburned. I don't like that, so I shall _never_ go to the_south_. Hella says that if one marries in winter one _must_ spend one'shoneymoon in the south. That would not suit me, I should just put off mymarriage till the summer. 

Ada is only 13 not 14 like Dora, and the parish priest makes atremendous fuss because she's not confirmed yet. Her mother is going tobring her to be confirmed soon. We are not going to be confirmed becauseFather and Mother don't want to be bothered with it. Still I should liketo be confirmed, for then one _has_ to have a watch, and one can ask forsomething else at Christmas. 

April 21st. Our lessons are something frightful just now. The schoolinspector is coming soon. It's always very disagreeable. Mme A. Says:The inspection is for the staff not for the pupils. Still, it's horridfor the pupils too first of all because we get blamed at the timeand secondly because the staff makes such a frightful row about itafterwards. Dora says that a bad inspection can make one's report 2degrees worse. By the way, that reminds me that I have not yet writtenwhy Oswald did not come home at Easter. _Although his reports were notat all good_, he was allowed to go to Aunt Alma's at Pola, because thisyear Richard comes home for the holidays for the last time. After thathe's going away for three years in the steamship "Ozean" to the East orTurkey or Persia, I don't quite know where. If Oswald likes he can gointo the Navy too in two years. 

May 9th. The school inspector came to-day, first of all in naturalhistory, thank goodness I wasn't in for it that time, and then inGerman; I was in that, reading and in the table of contents of theWandering Bells. Thank goodness I got through all right. 

May 14th. It's Mother's birthday to-day. We've had simply no time towork anything for her, so we got a wonderful electric lamp for her bedtable, the switch is a bunch of grapes and the stand is made of brass. She was so pleased with it. Yesterday Frau v. R. Was here. She's afriend of Mother's and of Hella's mother. I should like to have musiclessons from Frau v. R. , she gives lessons since her husband who was amajor died though she is quite well off. 

May 15th. That must have been true about the inspection; in the intervalto-day Professor Igel-Nikel said to the Herr Religionsprofessor: Well, he will go on coming all through the week and then we shall be all rightfor this year. _We_, of course that means the staff. But really thestaff can't help it if the pupils are no good. Though Oswald says it'sall the fault of the staff. I shall be glad too when the inspection isover. The staff is always quite different when the inspector is there, some are better, some are stricter, and Mme. A. Says: I always feelquite ill with anxiety. 

May 29th. At Whitsuntide Frau Doctor Haslinger came from Hainfeld withAda and the two boys for the confirmation. On Whitsunday the doctor cametoo and in the evening they all went home again. Ada is very pretty, butshe looks countrified. I'm not going to be confirmed anyhow. We had towait 3 hours, though the Friday before Whitsunday was a very fine day. Dora did not come; only Mother and I and Ada and her mother. Thewomen who were selling white favours all thought that I was one of thecandidates because I wore a white dress too. Ada was rather put outabout it. On Saturday we were in town in the morning and afternoonbecause Ada liked that better than the Kahlenberg; on Sunday morning wewent to Schonbrunn and in the afternoon they went home. The watch theygave to Ada was a lovely one and Dora and I gave her a gold chain for alocket. She enjoyed herself immensely, except that on Sunday she had afrightful headache. Because she is not used to town noises. 

May 31st. Ada knows a good deal already, but not everything. I told hera few things. In H. Last winter a girl drowned herself because she wasgoing to have a baby. It made a great sensation and her mother told hera little, but not everything. Ada once saw a bitch having her pups, butshe didn't tell her mother about it; she thought that her mother mightbe very angry. Still, she could not help it, the dog belonged to theirnext door neighbour and she happened to see it in the out-house. Adais expecting _it_ to begin every day for she is nearly 14. In H. Everygrown-up girl has an admirer. Ada says she will have one as soon as sheis 14; she knows who it will be. 

June 3rd. Ada wrote to-day to thank Mother about the confirmation andshe wrote to me as well. It is strange that she did not make friendswith Dora but with me. I think that Dora won't talk about _those_things, at least only with her friends in the high school, especiallywith Frieda Ertl. That is why Ada made friends with me, though I am 2years younger. She is really an awfully nice girl. 

June 19th. One thing after another goes missing in our class, firstit was Fleischer's galoshes, then my new gloves, three times money wasmissing, and today Fraulein Steiner's new vanity bag. There was a greatenquiry. But nothing was found out. We all think it is Schmolka. Butno one will tell. To-day we could none of us attend to our lessonsespecially when Sch. Left the room at half past 11. 

June 20th. In our closet the school servant found some beads on thefloor but since she did not know anything she threw them into thedustbin. Was it really Sch. ? It would be a dirty trick. Frl. St. Isfrightfully upset because her betrothed gave her the vanity bag for abirthday present and his photo was in it. But I'm really sorry forSch. Nobody will speak to her although nothing is proved yet. She isfrightfully pale and her eyes are always full of tears. Hella thinks toothat perhaps she didn't do it, for she is one of Frl. St. 's favouritesand she is very fond of her herself. She always carries the copybookshome for her. 

June 22nd. Our closet was stopped up and when the porter came to seewhat was the matter he found the vanity bag. But what use is it to Frl. Now; she can't possibly use it any more. We giggled all through lessonswhenever we caught one another's eye and the staff was in a frightfulrage. Only Frau Doktor M. Said: "Now please get through with yourlaughing over this extremely unsavoury affair, and then have done withit. "

June 23rd. There was a frightful row to-day. Verbenowitsch wascollecting the German copybooks and when Sch. Wanted to hand up hercopybook she said: Please give up your copybook yourself; I won't haveanything to do with (then there was a long pause) you. We were allapalled and Sch. Went as white as a sheet. At 10 o'clock she beggedpermission to leave the room because she felt bad. I'm sure her motherwill come to speak about it to-morrow. 

June 24th. Sch. 's mother did not come after all. Verbenowitsch said:Of course not! Sch. Did not come either. Hella says she couldn't standanything like that, she would rather drown herself. I don't know, onewants _other_ reasons for drowning oneself. Still, I should tell Fatherso that he could speak about it at school. Franke said: Yes, that'sall very well, because _you_ didn't do it; but _if_ one had done it onewould not dare to say anything at home. Besides, Sch. 's father is aninvalid, he's quite paralysed, has been bedridden for two years andcan't speak. 

June 27th. To-day Hella and I walked home with Frau Doktor M. Really shealways goes home alone but Hella suddenly left me and went up toFrau Doktor in the street and said: Please excuse me Frau Doktor forbothering you in the street, we _must_ speak to you. She got quite red. Then Frau Doktor said: "What's the matter?" And Hella said: "Isn't itpossible to find out who took the vanity bag? If it wasn't Sch. Theway the other girls treat her will make her quite ill, and if it was wecan't stand having her among us any longer. " Hella was really splendidand Frau Doktor M. Made us tell her everything that had happened, including about Verbenowitsch and the copybooks; and we saw quiteclearly she had tears in her eyes and she said: "The poor child!Children I promise I will do what I can for her. " We both kissed herhand and my heart beat furiously. And Hella said: "You are an angel. " Icould never have managed to say a thing like that. 

June 28th. To-day Sch. Was there again, but Frau Doktor M. Did notsay anything. Hella and I kept on looking at her and Hella cleared herthroat three times and Frau Doktor said: Bruckner, do stop clearing yourthroat; it will only make your sore throat worse: But it seemed to meher eyes twinkled as she said it. So she hasn't forgotten. I wanted tospeak to Sch. , but Hella said: Wait a bit, we must give the Frau Doktora chance. She's taken the matter in hand. To-morrow before 9 we'll walkup and down in front of her house till she comes out. 

June 30th. Unluckily yesterday was a holiday and to-day Frau Doktor'sfirst lesson began at 11. But she has already had a talk with Sch. Onlywe don't know when and where; certainly it was not in the interval andshe did not send for Sch. During lessons. 

July 1st. To-day we walked to school with her She _is_ such a dear. Children, she said, this is such a painful matter, and it is difficultto find a way out. Sch. Insists that she did not do it, and whether shedid it or not these days are burning themselves into her soul and Hellaasked: "Please, Frau Doktor advise us what to do, speak to her or not?"Then she said: Children I think that after this affair she won't comeback to us next year; you will be doing a good work if you make theselast days bearable to her. You were never intimate with her, but to giveher a friendly word or two will do you no harm and may help her. You 2have a high standing in the class; your example will do good. We walkedwith her till we reached the school, and because we were there we couldnot kiss her hand but Hella said out loud: How sweet you are! She musthave heard it. But Sch. Was not at school. Father says he's glad thatthe term is nearly over, for I have been quite crazy about this affair. Still, he thinks that Hella and I should talk to Sch. So does Mother. But Dora said: Yes that's all right but you must not go too far. 

July 5th. Sch. Was not at school to-day. To-morrow we are to get ourreports. 

July 6th. We cried like anything I and Hella and Verbenowitsch becausewe shan't see Frau Doktor M. Any more for nearly 3 months. I only had 2in History and Natural History, but 1 in everything else. Franke says:Anyone who is not in Professor Igel-Nigl's good books can find out thathe's cranky and stupid and _he_ could never get a one. Father is quitepleased. Of course Dora has got only ones and Hella has three twos. Lizzi, I think, has 3 or 4. Father has given each of us a 2 crown piece, we can blow it, he says and Mother has given us a lace collar. 

July 9th. We are going to Hainfeld this summer, its jolly, I'm awfullypleased; but not until the 20th because Father can't get away tillthen and Mother won't leave Father so long alone. It is only a few daysanyhow. It's a pity Hella's gone already, she left early this morningfor Parsch near Salzburg, what a horrid name and Hella too doesn't likesaying it; I can't think how anyone can give a place such a nasty name. They have rented a house. 

July 12th. It's shockingly dull. Nearly every day I have a quarrelwith Dora because she's so conceited Oswald came home yesterday. He'sfearfully smart nearly as tall as Father only about a quarter headshorter, but then Father's tremendously tall. And his voice is quitedeep, it was not before. And he has parted his hair on one side, itsuits him very well. He says his moustache is growing already but itisn't; one could see it if it were; five hairs don't make a moustache. 

July 19th. Thank goodness we're going at last the day after to-morrow. Father wanted Mother to go away with us earlier, but she would not. Itwould have been nicer if she had. 

July 24th. Our house is only 3 doors away from the Hs. Ada and I spendthe whole day together. There happens to be a schoolfellow of Dora'shere, one she gets on with quite well, Rosa Tilofsky Oswald says thatHainfeld bores him to death and that he shall get a friend to invite himsomewhere. Nothing will induce him to spend the whole holidays here. His name for Ada is: "Country Simplicity. " If he only knew how much sheknows. Rosa T. He calls a "Pimple Complex" because she has two or threepimples. Oswald has some fault to find with every girl he comes across. He says of Dora: She is a green frog, for she always looks so pale andhas cold hands, and he says of me: You can't say anything about her yet:"_She_ is still nothing but an unripe embryo. " Thank goodness I knowfrom the natural history lessons what an embryo is, a little frog; "Igot in a frightful wax and Father said: Don't you worry, he's still along way from being a man or he would be more polite to his sisters andtheir lady friends. " This annoyed him frightfully, and since then henever says a word when Ada and Rosa are with us. My birthday is comingsoon, thank goodness I shall be 12 then, only 2 years more and I shallbe 14; I am so glad. Hella wrote to me to-day for the second time. InAugust she is going to Hungary to stay with her uncle, he has a greatestate and she will learn to ride there. 

SECOND YEAR, AGE TWELVE TO THIRTEEN

SECOND YEAR

August 1st. It was awfully jolly on my birthday. We drove to Glashuttewhere it is lovely; there we cooked our own dinner in the inn for thelandlady was ill and so was the cook. On one's birthday everyoneis always so nice to one. What I like most of all is the Ebesederpaint-box, and the book too. But I never have any time to read. Hellasent me a lovely picture: Maternal Happiness, a dachshund with twopuppies, simply sweet. When I go home I shall hang it up near the doorover the bookcase. Ada gave me a silk purse which she had worked for meherself. Aunt Dora gave me a diary, but I can't use it because I preferto write upon loose sheets. Grandfather and Grandmother at B. Sent me agreat piece of marzipan, splendid. Ada thinks it lovely; she didn't knowmarzipan before. 

August 9th. When it's not holidays Ada goes to school in St. Poltenstaying there with her aunt and uncle, because the school in H. Isnot so good as the school in St. P. Perhaps next term she is coming toVienna, for she has finished with the middle school and has to go onlearning. But she has no near relations in Vienna where she could stay. She might come to live with us, Dora could have a room to herself asshe always wants, and Ada and I could share a room. I would much rathershare a room with her than with Dora who is always making such a fuss. 

August 10th. I do really think! A boy can always get what he wants. Oswald is really going for a fortnight to Znaim to stay with his chum;only Oswald of course. I should like to see what would happen if Doraor I wanted to go anywhere. A boy has a fine time. It's the injustice ofthe thing which makes me furious. For we know for certain that he's hada _bad_ report, even though he does not tell us anything about it. Butof course that doesn't matter. They throw every 2 in our teeth and whenhe gets several Satisfactories he can go wherever he likes. His chumtoo; he only got to know Max Rozny this year and he's a chum already. Hella and I have been chums since we were in the second in theelementary school and Dora and Frieda Ertl since they went to theHigh School. We both gave him a piece of our mind about friendship. Helaughed scornfully and said: That's all right, the friendships of _men_become closer as the years pass, but the friendships of you girls goup in smoke as soon as the first admirer turns up. What cheek. Whateverhappens Hella and I shall stick to one another till we're married, forwe want to be married on the same day. Naturally she will probablyget engaged before me but she _must_ wait for me before she's married. That's simply her duty as a friend. 

August 12th. Oswald went away yesterday and we had another scene justbefore he left because he wanted one of us to go with him to the stationand help carry his luggage. As if we were his servants. Ada wantedto volunteer to carry it, but Dora gave her a nudge and luckily sheunderstood directly. Sometimes, but only sometimes, when Dora gets ina wax she is rather like Hella. She thinks it's better that Oswald hasgone away because otherwise there are always rows. That's because shealways comes off second-best. For really he is cleverer than she is. Andwhen he wants to make her really angry he says something to her in Latinwhich she can't understand. I think that's the real reason why she'slearning Latin. I must say I would not bother myself so about a thinglike that. I really wouldn't bother. 

August 15th. To-day I posted the parcel to Hella, a silver-wirewatchchain; I made it in four days. I hope she'll get it safely, one cannever be sure in Hungary. 

August 17th. We are so frightfully busy with Japanese lanterns and firgarlands. The people who have received birthday honours are illuminatingand decorating their houses. While we were at work Ada told me a _fewthings_. She knows more than Hella and me, because her father is adoctor. He tells her mother a good deal and Ada overhears a lot ofthings though they generally stop talking when she comes in. Ada wouldlike awfully to be an actress. I never thought of such a thing thoughI've been to the theatre often. 

August 22nd. Hella is awfully pleased with the chain; she is wearing it. She is really learning to ride at her cousin's. It's a pity he's calledLajos. But Ludwig is not any better. He seems to be awfully nice andsmart, but it's a pity he's 22 already. 

August 25th. Ada is frightfully keen on the theatre. She has often beento the theatre in St. Polten and she is in love with an actor with whomall the ladies in St. Polten are in love. That is why she wants to be anactress and so that she can live _free and unfettered_. That is why shewould like so much to come to Vienna. I wish she could come and livewith us. She says she is pining away in H. For it's a dull hole. Shesays she can't stand these _cramping conditions_. In St. Polten shespent all her pocket money upon flowers for _him_. She always said thatshe had to buy such a lot of copybooks and things for school. That'swhere she's lucky not to be at home, for I could not easily take inMother like that. It would not work. One always has too little pocketmoney anyhow, and when one lives at home one's parents know just whatcopybooks one has. I should like to go away from home for a few months. Ada says it is very good for one, for then one learns to know the world;at home, she says, one only grows _musty_ and _fusty_. When she talkslike that she really looks like an actress and she certainly has talent;her German master at school says so too. She can recite long poems andthe girls are always asking the master to let her recite. 

August 30th. To-day Ada recited Geibel's poem, The Death of Tiberius, itwas splendid; she is a born actress and it's a horrid shame she can't goon the stage; she is to teach French or sewing. But she says she's goingon the stage; I expect she will get her way somehow. 

August 31st. Oswald's having a fine long fortnight; he's still thereand can stay till September 4th!! If it had been Dora or me. There wouldhave been a frightful hulabaloo. But Oswald may do _anything_. Ada says:We girls must take for ourselves what the world won't give us of its ownfree will. 

September 5th. In the forest the other day I promised Ada to ask Motherto let her come and stay with us so that she could be trained for thestage. I asked Mother to-day, but she said it was quite out of thequestion. Ada's parents simply could not afford it. If she has talent, the thing comes of itself and she need only go to a school of DramaticArt so that she could more easily get a good Theatre says Ada. So Idon't see why it should be so frightfully expensive. I'm awfully sorryfor Ada. 

September 10th. Oh we have all been so excited. I've got to pack up mydiary because we're going home to-morrow. I must write as quickly as Ican. There have been some gypsies here for three days, and yesterday oneof the women came into the garden through the back gate and looked atour hands and told our fortunes, mine and Ada's and Dora's. Of course wedon't believe it, but she told Ada that she would have a great but shortcareer after many difficult struggles. That fits in perfectly. But shemade a frightful mess of it with me: Great happiness awaits me when I am_as old again as I am now_; a great passion and great wealth. Of coursethat must mean that I am to marry at 24. At 24! How absurd! Dora saysthat I look much younger than 12 so that she meant 20 or even 18. Butthat's just as silly, for Dr. H. , who is a doctor and knows so manygirls, says I look _older_ than my age. So that it's impossible thatthe old gypsy woman could have thought I was only 10 or even 9. Dora'sfortune was that in a _few_ years she was to have much trouble and thenhappiness. And she told Ada that her line of life was broken!!

September 14th. Oswald left early this morning, Father kissed him onboth cheeks and said: For God's sake be a good chap this last year atschool. He has to matriculate this year, it's frightfully difficult. Buthe says that anyone who has cheek enough can get through all right. Hesays that cheek is often more help than a lot of swoting and grinding. I know he's right; but unfortunately at the moment it never occurs tome what I ought to do. I often think afterwards, you ought to have saidthis or that. Hella is really wonderful; and Franke too, though she'snot particularly clever, can always make a smart answer. If only halfof what Oswald says he says to the professors is true, then I can'tunderstand why he is not expelled from every Gym. Says Mother. Oswaldsays: If one only puts it in the right way no one can say anything. Butthat doesn't hold always. 

September 16th. Hella is coming back to-day. That's why I'm writing inthe morning, because she's coming here in the afternoon. I'm awfullyglad. I have begged Mother to buy a lovely cake, one of the kind Hellaand I are both so fond of. 

September 20th. Only a word or two. School began again to-day. Thankgoodness Frau Doktor M. Still takes our class. Frl. Steiner took herdoctor's degree at the end of the school year. In history we have a newFrau Doktor, but we don't know her name yet. The Vischer woman has been_married_ in the holidays!!! It's enough to make one split with laughingthat anyone should marry _her!!!_ Dora says she wouldn't like to be herhusband; but most likely he will soon get a divorce. Besides, spectaclesin a woman are awful. I can put up with a pincenez for one does notwear them all the time. But spectacles! Dora says too that she can'tunderstand how a man can marry a woman with spectacles. Hella oftensays it makes her feel quite sick when Vischer glares at her through herspectacles. We have a new natural history professor. I'm awfully gladthat three of our mistresses have doctors degrees and that we have oneor really 2 professors, for we have the Religionsprofessor too. In theThird they are frightfully annoyed because only one of their mistresseshas a doctor's degree. Dora has 2 doctors and three professors. 

September 25th. All the girls are madly in love with Professor Wilke thenatural history professor. Hella and I walked behind him to-day all theway home. He is a splendid looking man, so tall that his head nearlytouches the lamp when he stands up quickly, and a splendid fair beardlike fire when the sun shines on it; a Sun God! we call him S. G. , butno one knows what it means and who we are talking about. 

September 29th. Schmolka has left, I suppose because of Frl. St. 'svanity bag. Two other girls have left and three new one's have come, butneither I nor Hella like them. 

October 1st. It was my turn in Natural History to-day I workedfrightfully hard and _He_ was splendid. We are to look after thepictures and the animals _all through the term_. How jolly. Hella and Ialways wear the same coloured hair ribbons and in the Nat. Hist. Lessonwe always put tissue paper of the same colour on the desk. He wants usto keep notebooks, observations on Nature. We have bound ours in lilacpaper, exactly the same shade as his necktie. On Tuesdays and Fridays wehave to come to school at half past 8 to get things ready. Oh how happyI am. 

October 9th. _He_ is a cousin of our gymnastic master, splendid! Thisis how we found it out. We, Hella and I, are always going past the CafeSick because he always has his afternoon coffee there. And on Thursdaywhen we passed by there before the gymnastic lesson there was thegymnastic master sitting with him. Of course we bowed to them as wepassed and in the gymnastic lesson Herr Baar said to us: So you two aretormented and pestered by my cousin in natural history? "Pestered" wesaid, o no, it's the most delightful lesson in the whole week. "Is thatso?" said he, "I won't forget to let him know. " Of course we begged andprayed him not to give us away, saying it would be awful. But we do hopehe will. 

October 20th. Frau Doktor Steiner's mother is dead. We are so sorry forher. Some of us are going to the funeral, I mayn't go, Mother says itis not suitable, and Hella is not allowed to go either, I wonder if _He_will go? I'm sure he will, for really he _has_ to. 

October 23rd. Frau Doktor St. Looks frightfully pale. Franke says shewill certainly get married soon now that both her parents are dead. Herfiance often fetches her from the Lyz, I mean he waits for her in L. Street. Hella thinks an awful lot of him of course, because he's anofficer. I don't think much of him myself, he's too short and too fat. He's only a very little taller than Frl. St. I think a husband should benearly a head taller than his wife, or at least half a head taller, likeour Father and Mother. 

October 29th. We have such a frightful lot of work to do that we're nottaking season tickets this winter, but are going to pay each time whenwe go skating. I wish we knew whether _He_ skates, and where. Hellathinks that with great caution we might find out from his cousin duringthe gymnastic lesson. They are often together in the Cafe. I shouldlike to know what they talk about, they are always laughing such a lot, especially when we go by. 

October 31st. Ada has written to me. She is _awfully_ unhappy. She isback in St. P. , in a continuation school. But the actor is not there anymore. She writes that she yearns to throw off her chains which lie heavyon her soul. Poor darling. No one can help her. That is, her Mothercould help her but she won't. It must be awful. Hella thinks that herparents will not allow her to go on the stage until she has tried to doherself a mischief; then things may be better. It's quite true, what canher mother be thinking of when she knows how fearfully unhappy Ada is. After all, why on earth shouldn't she go on the stage when she has somuch talent? All her mistresses and masters at the middle school praisedher reciting tremendously and one of them said in so many words that shehad _great dramatic talent_. Masters don't flatter one; except . . . ;first of all _He_ is not just an ordinary master but a professor, andsecondly _He_ is quite, quite different from all others When he strokeshis beard I become quite hot and cold with extasy. And the way he liftsup his coat tails as he sits down. It's lovely, I do want to kiss him. Hella and I take turns to put our penholder on his desk so that _he_can hallow it with his hand as he writes. Afterwards in the arithmeticlesson when I write with it, I keep looking at Hella and she looks backat me and we both know what the other is thinking of. 

November 15th. It's a holiday to-day so at last I can write once more. We have such a frightful lot to do that I simply can't manage to write. Besides Mother is often ill. She has been laid up again for the last 4days. It's awfully dull and dreary. Of course I had time to write thosedays, but then I didn't want to write. As soon as Mother is well againshe's going to the Lyz to ask how we are getting on I'm awfully gladbecause of S. G. 

November 28th. Mother came to school to-day and saw him too. I tookher to him and he was heavenly. He said: I am very pleased with yourdaughter; she's very keen and clever. Then he turned over the pages ofhis notebook as if to look at his notes. But really he knows by hearthow we all work. That is not _all_ of course. That would be impossiblewith so many girls; and he teaches in the science school as well wherethere are even more boys than we are. 

December 5th. Skating to-day I saw the Gold Fairy. She is awfullypretty, but I really don't think her so lovely as I did last year. Hellasays she never could think what had happened to my eyes. "You were madlyin love with her and you never noticed that she has a typical Bohemiannose, " said Hella. Of course that's not true, but now my taste is _quitedifferent_. Still, I said how d'you do to her and she was verynice. When she speaks she is really charming, and I do love her goldstoppings. Frau Doktor M. Has two too and when she laughs its heavenly. 

December 8th. I do wish Dora would keep her silly jokes to herself. Whenthe Trobisch's were all here to-day they were talking about the schooland she said: "Gretl has a fresh enthusiasm each year; last year itwas Frau Doktor Malburg and this year it's Professor Wilke. Frau DoktorMalburg has fallen from grace now. " If I had wanted to I could havebegun about the two students on the ice. But I'm not like that so Imerely looked at her with contempt and gave her a kick under the table. And she had the cheek to say: "What's the matter? Oh, of course thesetender secrets of the heart must not be disclosed. Never mind Gretl, it does not matter at your age, for things don't cut deep. " But she wasrightly paid out: Frau von Tr. And Father roared with laughter and Frauv. Tr. Said: "Why, grandmother, have you been looking at your white hairin the glass?" Oh, how I did laugh, and she was so frightfully put outthat she blushed like fire, and in the evening _she_ said to _me_ thatI was an ill-mannered pig. That's why I did not tell her that she'd lefther composition book on the table and to-morrow she has to give it in. It's all the same to _me_, for I'm an ill-mannered pig. 

December 9th. It's awful. At 2 o'clock this afternoon Hella was taken tothe Low sanatorium and was operated on at once. Appendicitis. Her motherhas just telephoned that the operation has been successful. But thedoctors said that 2 hours later it would have been too late. My kneesare trembling and my hand shakes as I write. She has not slept off theanisthetic yet. 

December 10th. Hella is frightfully weak; no one can see her except herfather and mother, not even Lizzi. On St. Nicholas Day we had such ajolly time and ate such a lot of sweets that we almost made ourselvessick. But its impossible that she got appendicitis from that. On Mondayevening, when we were going home after the gym lesson, she said shedid not feel at all well. The night before last she had a rigor and thefirst thing in the morning the doctor said that she must go to hospitalat once for an operation. 

December 11th. All the girls at school are frightfully excited aboutHella, and Frau Dr. St. Was awfully nice and put off mathematics tillnext Tuesday. On Sunday I am going to see Hella. She does want to see meso and so do I want to see her. 

December 12th. She is still very weak and doesn't care about anything; Igot her mother to take some roses and violets from me, she did like themso much. 

December 14th. This afternoon I was with Hella from two until a quarterto 4. She is so pale and when I came in we both cried such a lot. Ibrought her some more flowers and I told her directly that when he seesme Prof. W. Always asks after her. So do the other members of the staffespecially Frau Doktor M. The girls want to visit her but her motherwon't let them. When anyone is lying in bed they look quite different, like strangers. I said so to Hella, and she said: We can never bestrangers to one another, not even in death. Then I burst out cryingagain and both our mothers said I must go away because it was tooexciting for Hella. 

December 15th. I was with Hella again to-day. She passed me a littlenote asking me to get from her locker the parcel with the blotting-bookfor her father and the key basket for her mother and bring it to herbecause the things are not ready yet for Christmas. 

December 16th. Hella's better to-day. I've got to paint theblotting-book for her father. Thank goodness I can. She'll be able tofinish the key basket herself, that's nothing. 

December 18th. The Bruckners are all frightfully unhappy for it won'tbe a real Christmas if Hella has to stay in hospital over Christmas. But perhaps she will for since yesterday she has not been so well, thedoctors can't make out why she suddenly had fever once more. For shedidn't let on that I had brought her some burnt almonds because she'sso awfully fond of them. But now I'm so terribly frightened that she'llhave to have another operation. 

December 19th. Directly after school I went to see Hella again for Ihad been so anxious I could not sleep all night. Thank goodness she'sbetter. One of the doctors said that if she'd been in a private househe would have felt sure it was an error in diet, but since she was inhospital that could be excluded. So it was from the burnt almonds andthe two sticks of marzipan. Hella thinks it was the marzipan, forthey were large ones at 20 hellers each because nuts lie heavy onthe stomach. She had a pain already while I was still there, but shewouldn't say anything about it because it was her fault that I'd broughther the sweets. She can beg as much as she likes now, I shan't bring heranything but flowers, and they can't make her ill. Of course it would bedifferent if it were true about the "Vengeance of Flowers. " But that'sall nonsense, and besides I don't bring any strong-scented flowers. 

December 20th. I am so glad, to-morrow or Tuesday Hella can come home, in time for the Christmas tree. Now I know what to give her, a longchair, Father will let me, for I have not enough money myself but Fatherwill give me as much as I want. Oh there's no one like Father! To-morrowhe's going to take me to the Wahringerstrasse to buy one. 

December 21st. I was only a very short time with Hella to-day becauseFather came to fetch me soon. At first she was a little hurt, but thenshe saw that we had important business so she said: All right as long asit is not anything made of marzipan. That nearly gave us both away. Forwhen we were in the street Father asked me: Why did Hella say that aboutmarzipan? So I said quickly: Since she's been ill she has a perfectloathing for sweets. Thank goodness Father didn't notice anything. ButI do hate having to tell fibs to Father. First of all I always feel thathe'll see through it, and secondly anyhow I don't like telling fibs tohim. The couch is lovely, a Turkish pattern with long tassels on theround bolster. Father wanted to pay for it altogether, but I said: No, then it would not be my present, and so I paid five crowns and Father37. To-morrow early it will be sent to the Bruckners. 

December 22nd. Hella is going home to-morrow. She has already been upa little, but she is still so weak that she has to lean on someone whenshe walks. She is awfully glad she is going home, for she says in ahospital one always feels as if one was going to die. She's quiteright. The first time I went to see her I nearly burst out crying on thestairs. And afterwards we both really did cry frightfully. Her motherknows about the couch, but it has not been sent yet. I do hope theywon't forget about it at the shop. 

December 23rd. Hella went home to-day. Her father carried her upstairswhile I held her hand. The two tenants in the mezzanin came out tocongratulate her and the old privy councillor on the second story andhis wife sent down a great pot of lilac. She was so tired that I cameaway at 5 o'clock so that she could rest. To-morrow I'm going to theirChristmas tree first and then to ours. Because of Hella the Br's aregoing to have the present giving at 5 o'clock, we shall have ours asusual at 7. 

December 26th. Yesterday and the day before I simply could not writea word. It was lovely here and at Hella's. I shan't write down all thethings I got, because I've no time, and besides I know anyhow. Hella wasawfully pleased with the couch, her father carried her into the room andlaid her on the sofa. Her mother cried. It was touching. It's certainlyawfully nice to have got through a bad illness, when everyone takes careof one, and when no one denies you the first place. I don't grudge itto Hella. She's such a darling. Yesterday I was there all day, and afterdinner, when she had to go to sleep, she said: Open the drawer of mywriting-table, the lowest one on the right, and you'll find my diarythere if you want to read it. I shall never forget it! It's true that weagreed we would let one another read our diaries, but we've never doneit yet; after all we're a little shy of one another, and besides aftera long time one can't remember exactly what one has written. What shewrites is always quite short, never more than half a page, but what shewrites is always important. Of course she couldn't sleep but insteadI had to read her a lot of things out of her diary, especially theholidays when she was in Hungary. She was made much of there. By twocadets and her two cousins. We laughed so madly over some things that ithurt Hella's wound and I had to stop reading. 

December 29th. We were put in such a frightful rage yesterday. This ishow it happened. It is a long time since we both gave up playing withdolls and things of that sort but when I was rummaging in Hella's box Icame across the dolls' things; they were quite at the bottom where Hellanever looked at them. I took out the little Paris model and she said:Give it here and bring all the things that belong to it. I arranged themall on her bed and we were trying all sorts of things. Then Mother andDora came. When they came in Dora gave such a spiteful look and said:Ah, at their favourite occupation: look, Lizzi, their cheeks are quitered with excitement over their play. Wasn't it impertinent. We playingwith dolls! Even if we had been, what business was it of hers to makefun of us? Hella was in a frightful rage and to-day she said: "One isnever safe from spies; please put all those things away in the boxso that I shan't see them any more. " It really is too stupid thatone should always be reproached about dolls as if it was somethingdisgraceful. After all, one doesn't really understand until later howall the things are made; when one is 7 or 8 or still more when one isquite a little girl and one first gets dolls, one does not understandwhether they are pretty and nicely dressed or not. Still, to-day we'vedone with dolls for ever. A good day to turn over a new leaf, for theday after to-morrow is New Year's Day. 

But what annoys me most of all was this piece of cheek of Dora's; shesays that Lizzi said: "We used to delight in those things at one time, "but I was in such a rage that I did not hear it. But to eat all the bestthings off the Christmas tree on the sly!!! I saw it myself, _that_ isnothing. _That's_ quite fit and proper for a girl of 15. After supperyesterday I asked: But what's become of the second marzipan sandwich, I'm sure there were two on the tree. And I looked at her steadily tillshe got quite red. And after a time I said: the big basket of vegetablesis gone too. Then she said. Yes, I took it, I don't need to ask yourpermission. As for the sandwich, Oswald took that. I was in such atemper, and then Father said: Come, come, you little witch, cool yourwrath with the second sandwich and wash it down with a sip of liqueur. For Grandfather sent Father a bottle of liqueur. 

December 30th. This is a fine ending to the year. I've no interest inthe school any longer. We're silly little fools, love-sick and forwardminxes. That's all the thanks we get for having gone every Tuesdayand Friday to the school at half past 8 to arrange everything and dusteverything and then he can say a thing like that. I shall never write_he_ with a big h again; he is not worthy of it. And I had to swallowit all, choke it down, for I simply must not excite Hella. It made mefrightfully angry when Mother told me, but still I'm glad for I knowwhat line to take now. Mother was paying a call yesterday and the sisterof our gymnastic master, who is at the ---- High School, happened tobe there, and she told Mother that her cousin Dr. W. Is so much annoyedbecause the girls in the high school are so forward. Such silly littlefools, and the little minxes begin it already in the First Class. _Forthat reason he prefers to teach_ boys, they are fond of him too but theydon't make themselves such an _infernal nuisance_. Well, now that I know_I_ shant make myself a nuisance to him any more. On Friday, when thenext lesson is, I shall go there 2 minutes before nine and take thethings into the class-room without saying a word. And I shall tellKalinsky too that we're such an _infernal nuisance_ to him. Just fancy, as if _we_ were in the First Class!

January 1st, 19--. This business with Prof. W. Makes me perfectlyfurious. Hella kept on asking yesterday what was the matter, said Iseemed different somehow. But thank goodness I was able to keep it in. I must keep it in for the sake of her health, even if it makes me ill. Anyway what use is life now. Since people are so falsehearted. He alwayslooked so awfully nice and charming; when I think of the way in whichhe asked how Hella was and all the time he was so false!!! If Hella onlyknew. Aha, to-morrow!

January 2nd. I treated him _abominably_. Knocked at thedoor--Good-morning, Herr Prof. Please what do we want for the lessonto-day? He very civilly: Nothing particular to-day. Well, what sort ofa Christmas did you have--I: Thank you, much as usual. --He turned roundand stared at me: It does not seem to have been; to judge from yourmanner. --I: There are quite other reasons for that. He: O-o-h? He maywell say O-o-h! For he has not the least idea that I know the way inwhich he speaks of us. 

January 6th. To-day Hella was able to go out for her first drive. She'smuch better now and will come back to school by the middle of the month. I _must_ tell her before that or she'll get a shock. Yesterday sheasked: Does not S. C. Ask about me any more?--Oh yes, I fibbed, but notso often as before. And she said: That's the way it goes, out of sightout of mind. What will happen when she learns the truth. Anyhow I shan'ttell her until she's quite strong. 

January 10th. I've had to tell Hella already. She was talking soenthusiastically about S. G. At first I said nothing. And then she said:What are you making such a face for? Are not you allowed to arrange thethings any more?--I: _Allowed_? Of course I'm _allowed_, but I don't_want_ to any more. I did not tell Hella _how_ bad I feel about it; forI really _was_ madly in love with him. 

January 12th. Hella must have been madly in love with him too or rathermust be in love with him still. On Sunday evening she was so much upsetthat her mother believed she was going to have a relapse. She had painsand diarrea at the same time. Thank goodness she's got over it likeme. She said to-day: Don't let's bother ourselves about it any more. Wewasted our feelings (not love!!) on an unworthy object. At such momentsshe is magnificent, especially now when she is still so pale. Besides inthe holidays and now since she has been ill she has grown tremendously. Before I was a little taller and now she is a quarter head taller thanme. Dora is frightfully annoyed because I am nearly as tall as she is. Thank goodness it makes me look older than 12 1/2. 

Hella is not to come to school on January 15th, for her mother is goingto take her to Tyrol for 2 or 3 weeks. 

January 18th. It's horridly dull with Hella away. Only now do I realise, since her illness. I am always feeling as if she had fallen ill again. Her mother has taken her to Meran, they are coming back in the beginningof February. 

January 24th. Since Hella has been ill, that is really since, she wentaway, I spend most of my time with Fritzi Hubner. She's awfully nice, though I did not know it last year. Till Hella comes back she and I sittogether. For it's horrid to sit alone on a bench Fritzi knows a gooddeal already. She would not talk about it at first because it so oftenleads to trouble. Her brother has told her everything. He's rather aswell and is called Paul. 

January 29th. Yesterday was the ice carnival and Dora and I were allowedto go. I skated with Fritzi and Paul most of the time and won 2 prizes, one of them with Paul. And one of them skating in a race with 5 othergirls. Paul is awfully clever, he says he's going into the army, theflying corps. That's even more select than being on the general staff. Her father is a major and he, I mean Paul, ought to have gone to themilitary academy, but his grandfather would not allow it. He is tochoose for himself. But of course he will become an officer. Most boyswant to be what their father is. But Oswald is perhaps going into theNavy. I wish I knew what Father meant once when he said to Mother: GoodGod, I'm not doing it on my own account. I'm only doing it because ofOswald. The two girls won't get much out of it. 

February 3rd. I've just been reading what I wrote about Father. I amwondering what it can be. I think that Father either wants to win thegreat prize in the lottery or is perhaps going to buy a house. But Doraand I would get something out of that, for it would not belong to Oswaldonly. 

February 4th. Yesterday I asked Mother about it. But she said she didn'tknow; if it was anything which concerned us, Father would tell us. But it must be something, or Mother would not have told Father in theevening that I had asked. I can't endure these secrets. Why shouldn'twe know that Father's going to buy a house. Fritzi's grandfather has ahouse in Brunn and another in Iglau. But Fritzi is very simply dressedand her mother too. 

February 9th. Thank goodness Hella is coming back to-morrow, just beforeher birthday. Luckily she can eat everything again so I am giving her ahuge bag of Viktor Schmid's sweets with a silver sugar tongs. Mother andI are going to meet Hella at the station. They are coming by the 8. 20. 

February 10th. I am so glad Hella is coming to-day. I nearly could notmeet her because Mother is not very well to-day. But Father's going totake me. Fritzi wanted to come and see Hella to-morrow afternoon, butshe can't. She's an awfully nice girl and her brother is too, but on thefirst day Hella is back we must be alone together. She said so too inthe last letter she wrote me. She's been away more than 3 weeks. It's afrightfully long time when you are fond of one another. 

February 15th. I simply can't write my diary because Hella and I spendall our free time together. Yesterday we got our reports. Of courseHella has not got one. Except in Geography and History I have nothingbut Ones, even in Natural History although since New Year I have notdone any work in that subject. I detest Natural History. When Hellacomes back to school we are going to ask the _sometime_ S. G. To relieveus from the labours of looking after the things. Hella is still tooweak to do it. Hella is 13 already and Father says she is going tobe wonderfully pretty. _Going to be_, Father says; but she's lovelyalready. She's been burned as brown as a berry by the warm southern sun, and it really suits _her_, though only her. I can't stand other peoplewhen they are sun-burned. But really everything suits Hella; when shewas so pale in hospital, she was lovely; and now she is just as lovely, only in quite a different way. Oswald is quite right when he says:You can measure a girl's beauty by the degree in which she bears beingsunburned without losing her good looks. He really used to say that inthe holidays simply to annoy Dora and me, but he's quite right all thesame. 

February 20th. The second half-year began yesterday. They were allawfully nice to Hella, and Frau Doktor M. Stroked her cheeks and put herarm round her so affectionately. Now for the chief thing. Today was theNatural History lesson. We knocked at the door and when we went in Prof. W. Said: Ah I'm glad to see you Bruckner; take care that you don't giveus all another fright. How are you? Hella said: "Quite well, thank you, Herr Prof. " And as I looked at her she put on a frightfully seriousface and he said: It seems to me that you've caught your friend's illhumour. --Hella: "Herr Prof. , you are really too kind, but we don't wantto trouble you. What things have we to take to the class-room? And thenwe beg leave to resign our posts, for I don't feel strong enough for thework. " She said this in quite a soldierly way, the way she is used tohear her father speak. It sounded most distinguished. He looked at usand said: "All right, two of the other pupils will take it over. " Wedon't know whether he really noticed nothing or simply did not wishto show that he had noticed. But as we shut the door I felt so awfullysorry; for it was the last time, the very last time. 

February 27th. In Natural History to-day I got _Unsatisfactory_. Iwas not being questioned, but when Klaiber could not answer anything Ilaughed, and he said: Very well, Lainer, you correct her mistake. Butsince I had been thinking of something quite different I did not knowwhat it was all about, and so I got an Unsatisfactory. _Before_ ofcourse that would not have mattered; but now since . . . Hella andFranke did all they could to console me and said: "That does not matter, it wasn't an examination; he'll _have_ to examine you properly later. "Anyhow Franke thinks that however hard I learn, I shall be well off ifhe gives me a Satisfactory. She says no professor can forget _such adefeat_. For we told her about the silly little fools. She said, indeed, that we had made it too obvious. That's not really true. But now shetakes our side, for she sees that we were in the right. Verbenowitschand Bennari bring in the things now. They are much better suited for it. Hella's father did not like her doing it anyhow; he says: The porteror the maidservant are there for that--we never see them all the yearround, that's a fine thing. 

March 8th. Easter does not come this year until April 16th. I am goingwith the Bruckners to Cilli, outside the town there they have a vineyardwith a country house. Hella needs a change. I am awfully glad. All theflowers begin to come out there at the end of March or beginning ofApril. 

March 12th. Hella is not straightforward. We met a gentleman to-day, very fashionably dressed with gold-rimmed eyeglasses and a fairmoustache. Hella blushed furiously, and the gentleman took off his hatand said: Ah, Fraulein Helenchen, you are looking very well. How areyou? He never looked at me, and when he had gone she said: "That was Dr. Fekete, who assisted at my operation. "--"And you tell me _that_ now forthe first time?" Then she put on an innocent air and said: "Of course, we've never met him before, " but I said: "I don't mean _that_. If youknew how red you got you would not tell me a lie. " Then she said: "Whatam I telling you a lie about? Do you think I'm in love with him? Not inthe very least. "--But when one is _not_ in love one does not blush likethat. Anyhow I shan't tell everything now either; I can hold my tonguetoo. 

March 14th. Yesterday we did not talk to one another so much as usual; Iespecially was very silent. When the bell rang at 5 and I had just beendoing the translation Hella came and begged my pardon and brought mesome lovely violets, so of course I forgave her. This is really thefirst time we've ever quarrelled. First she wanted to bring me somesweets, but then she decided upon violets, and I think that was muchmore graceful. One gives sweets to a little child when it has hurtitself or been in a temper. But flowers are not for a child. 

March 19th. Frieda Belay is dead. We are all terribly upset. None of uswere very intimate with her, but now that she is dead we all rememberthat she was a schoolfellow. She died of heart failure followingrheumatic fever. We all attended her funeral, except Hella who was notallowed to come. Her mother cried like anything and her grandmotherstill more; her father cried too. We sent a wreath of white roses witha lovely inscription: Death has snatched you away in the flower of youryouth--Your Schoolfellows. 

I have no pleasure in anything to-day. I did not see Frieda Belay aftershe was dead, but Franke was there yesterday and saw her in her coffin. She says she will never forget it, it gave her such a pang. In thechurch Lampl had a fit of hysterics, for her mother was buried only amonth ago and now she was reminded of it all and was frightfully upset. I cried a lot too when I was with Hella. She fancied it was because Iwas thinking she might have died last Dec. But that wasn't it, I don'tthink about that sort of thing. But when anyone dies it is so awfullysad. 

March 24th. I never heard of such a thing. I can't go to Cilli withHella. Her mother was at her cousin's, and when she heard that she wasgoing to Cilli at Easter she asked her to take Melanie with her. Thatis, she didn't ask straight out, but kept on hinting until Hella'smother said: Let Melanie come with us, it will help to set her up afterher illness. In the winter she had congestion of the lung. Hella andI can't bear her because she's always spying on us and is so utterlyfalse. So of course I can't go. Hella says too she's frightfully sorry, but when _she_ is about we could never say a word about anything, itwould drive us crazy. She quite agrees that I had better not come. Butoh I'm so annoyed for first of all I do so like going away with Hellaand secondly I should like to go away in the holidays anyhow for nearlyall the girls in our class are going away. Still, there's nothing to bedone. Hella's mother says she can't see why we can't all 3 go thoughit simply would not work. But we can't explain it to her. Hella is sopoetical and she says "A beautiful dream vanished. "

In Hella's mouth such fine words sound magnificent, but when Dora usessuch expressions they annoy me frightfully because they don't come fromher heart. 

March 26th. The school performances finish today with Waves of the Seaand Waves of Love. I'm awfully fond of the theatre, but I never writeanything about that. For anyhow the play is written by a poet and onecan read it if one wants to, and one just sees the rest anyhow. I can'tmake out what Dora finds such a lot to scribble about always the dayafter we've been to the theatre. I expect she's in love with one of theactors and that's why she writes such a lot. Besides we in the secondclass did not get tickets for all the performances, but only the girlsfrom the Fourth upwards. Still, it did not matter much to me anyhow forwe often go in the evening and on Sunday afternoons. But unfortunately Imayn't go in the evening as a rule. 

March 29th. To-day something horrible happened to Dora and me. I simplycan't write it down. She was awfully nice and said: Two years ago on theMetropolitan Railway the same thing had happened when she was travellingwith Mother on February 15th, she can never forget the date, to Hietzingto see Frau v. Martini. Besides her and Mother there was only onegentleman in the carriage, Mother always travels second class. She andMother were sitting together and the gentleman was standing farther downthe carriage where Mother could not see him but Dora could. And as Dorawas looking he opened his cloak and -- -- --! just what the man didto-day at the house door. And when they got out of the train Dora's boagot stuck in the door and she had to turn round though she did not wantto, and then she saw again -- -- --! She simply could not sleep for awhole month afterwards. I remember that time when she could not sleepbut I did not know why it was. She never told anyone except Erika andthe same thing happened to her once. Dora says that happens at leastonce to nearly every girl; and that such men are "_abnormal_. " I don'treally know what that means, but I did not like to ask. Perhaps Hellawill know. Of course I did not really look, but Dora shivered and said:"And _that_ is what one has to endure. " And then, when we were talking itover she said to me that _that_ was why Mother was ill and because shehas had five children; Then I was very silly and said: "But how from_that_? one does not get children from that?" "Of course, " she said, "I thought you knew that already. That time there was such a row withMali about the waistband, I thought you and Hella had heard all abouteverything. " Then I was silly again, really frightfully stupid; forinstead of telling her what I really knew I said: "Oh, yes, I knew allabout it except just that. " Then she burst out laughing and said: "Afterall, what you and Hella know doesn't amount to much. " And in the end shetold me a _little_. If it's really as Dora says, then she is right whenshe says it is better not to marry. One can fall in love, one must fallin love, but one can just break off the engagement. Well, that's thebest way out of the difficulty for then no one can say that you've neverhad a man in love with you. We walked up and down in front of the schoolfor such a long time that we were very nearly late and only got in justas the bell rang. On the way home I told Hella the awful thing we'd seenthe man do. She does not know either what "abnormal" really means _asfar as this is concerned_. But now we shall use it as an expression forsomething horrible. Of course no one will understand us. And then Hellatold me about a drunken man who in Nagy K. . . . Was walking through thestreets _like that_ and was arrested. She says _too_ that one can neverforget seeing anything like _that_. Perhaps the man this morning wasdrunk too. But he didn't look as if he were drunk. And if he hadn't done_that_ one would really have taken him for a fine gentleman. Hella knowstoo that it is from _that_ that one gets children. She explained itall to me and now I can quite understand that _that_ must make one ill. Yesterday it was after 11 at night and so I'm finishing to-day. Hellasays: _That_ is the original sin, and _that_ is the sin which Adamand Eve committed. Before I had always believed the original sin wassomething quite different. But that--that. Since yesterday I've been soupset I always seem to be seeing _that_; really I did not look at all, but I must have seen it all the same. 

March 30th. I don't know why, but in the history lesson to-day it allcame into my head once more what Dora had said of Father. But I reallycan't believe it. Because of Father I'm really sorry that I know it. Perhaps it does not all happen the way Dora and Hella say. Generally Ican trust Hella, but of course she may be mistaken. 

April 1st. To-day Dora told me a lot more. She is quite different nowfrom what she used to be. One does not say P[eriod], but M[enstruation]. Only common people say P--. Or one can say one's _like that_. Dorahas had M-- since August before last, and it is horribly disagreeable, because men always know. That is why at the High School we have onlythree men professors and all the other teachers are women. Now Doraoften does not have M-- and then sometimes it's awfully bad, and that'swhy she's anemic. That men always know, that's frightfully interesting. 

April 4th. We talk a lot about such things now. Dora certainly knowsmore than I do, that is not more but better. But she isn't quitestraightforward all the same. When I asked her how she got to know aboutit all, whether Erika told her or Frieda, she said: "Oh, I don't know;one finds it all out somehow; one need only use one's eyes and one'sears, and then one can reason things out a little. " But seeing andhearing don't take one very far. I've always kept my eyes open and I'mnot so stupid as all that. One must be told by some one, one _can't_just happen upon it by oneself. 

April 6th. I don't care about paying visits now. We used always to likegoing to see the Richters, but to-day I found it dull. Now I know whyDora hates going second class on the Metropolitan. I always thought itwas only to spite me because I like travelling second. She never likesgoing second since _that_ happened. It seems one is often unjust topeople who never meant what one thought. But why did she not tell me thetruth? She says because I was still a child then. That's all right, butwhat about this winter when I was cross because we went Third class toSchonbrunn; I really believed she did it to annoy me, for I could notbelieve she was afraid that in the second class, where one is oftenalone, somebody would suddenly attack her with a knife. But now Iunderstand quite well, for of course she could not tell Mother the truthand Father still less. And in winter and spring there are really oftenno passengers to speak of on the Metropolitan, especially on the OuterCircle. 

April 7th. Mother said to-day that at the Richters yesterday we, especially I, had been frightfully dull and stupid. Why had we kept onexchanging glances? We had been most unmannerly. If she had only knownwhat we were thinking of when Frau Richter said, the weather to-day is_certainly quite abnormal_; we have not had such _abnormal_ heat foryears. And then when Herr Richter came home and spoke about his brotherwho had spent the whole winter at Hochschneeberg and said: Oh, mybrother is a little _abnormal_, I think he's got a tile loose in theupper storey, I really thought I should burst. Luckily Frau R. Helpedus once more to a tremendous lot of cake and I was able to lean wellforward over my plate. And Mother said that I ate like a little gluttonand just as if I never had any cake at home. So Mother was _very_ unjustto me, for the cake had nothing at all to do with it. Dora says too thatI must learn to control myself better, that if I only watch her I'llsoon learn. That's all very well, but why should one have to bother? Ifpeople did not use words that really mean something quite different thenother people would not have to control themselves. Still, I must learnto do it somehow. 

April 8th. We were terribly alarmed to-day; quite early, at half past 8, they telephoned from the school that Dora had suddenly been taken illin the Latin lesson and must be fetched in a carriage. Mother drove downdirectly in a taxi and I went with her because anyhow my lessons beganat 9 and we found Dora on the sofa in the office with the head sittingby her and the head's friend, Frau Doktor Preisky, who is a medicaldoctor, and they had loosened her dress and put a cold compress on herhead for she had suddenly fainted in the Latin lesson. That's the thirdtime this year, so she must really have anemia. I wanted to drive homewith her, but Mother and Frau Dr. P. Said I'd better just go to mylessons. And as I went out I heard Frau Dr. P. Say: "That's a finehealthy girl, a jolly little fellow. " Really one should only use thatword of boys and men, but I suppose she has got into the way of using itthrough being with men so much. If one studies medicine one has to learnall about _that_ and to look at everything. It must be really horrid. 

Dora is kept in bed to-day and our Doctor says too that she's anemic. To-morrow or the day after Mother is going to take her to see aspecialist. Dora says it's a lovely feeling to faint. Suddenly one can'thear what people are saying and one feels quite weak and then one doesnot know anything more. I wonder if I shall ever faint? Very likely when-- -- -- We talked a lot about everything we are interested in. In theafternoon Hella came to ask after Dora, and she thinks she looksawfully pretty in bed, an interesting invalid and at the same time sodistinguished looking. It's quite true, we all look distinguished. 

April 9th. To-day is Father and Mother's _wedding day_. Now I know_what_ that really means. Dora says it can't really be true that it isthe most lovely day in one's life, as everyone says it is, especiallythe poets. She thinks that one must feel frightfully embarrassed becauseafter all everyone knows. . . . That's quite true, but after all oneneed not tell anyone which one's wedding day is. Dora says she willnever tell her children which her wedding day is. But it would be agreat pity if parents always did that for then in every family therewould be one anniversary the less. And the more anniversaries there are, the jollier it is. 

April 10th. To-morrow I'm going with Father to Salzburg. Dora can'tcome, for they think she might faint in the train. I'm rather gladreally, though I've nothing against her and I'm sorry for her, but it'smuch nicer to go with Father alone. It's a long time since I was inSalzburg. I'm so awfully glad to go. Our spring coats and skirts are sopretty, dark green with a silk lining striped green and gold-brown, andlight brown straw hats with daisies for the spring and later weshall have cherries or roses. I'm taking my diary so that I can writeeverything which _interests_ me. 

April 12th. I slept all the way in the train. Father says I ground myteeth frightfully and was very restless: but I did not know anythingabout it. We had a compartment by ourselves, except just at first whenthere was a gentleman there. Hella did not come with us, because heraunt, who has just been married, is coming to visit them. Really I'mquite glad, for I like so much being with Father quite alone. Thisafternoon we were in Hellbrunn and at the Rock Theatre. It is wonderful. 

April 13th. Father always calls me: Little Witch! But I don't much likeit when other people are there. To-day we went up the Gaisberg. Theweather was lovely and the view magnificent. When I see so extensive aview it always makes me feel sad. Because there are so many people onedoes not know who perhaps are very nice. I should like to be alwaystravelling. It would be splendid. 

April 14th. I nearly got lost to-day. Father was writing a letter toMother and he let me go to see the salt works; I don't know how ithappened, but suddenly I found myself a long way from anywhere, in aplace I did not know. Then an old gentleman asked me what I was lookingfor; because I had walked past the same place 3 times and I said we werestaying in the "Zur Post Hotel" and I did not know how to find my wayback. So he came with me to show me and as we were talking it came outthat he had known Father at the university. So he came in with me andFather was awfully glad to see him. He is a barrister in Salzburg but hehas a grey beard already. As he was going away he said in an undertoneto Father: "I congratulate you old chap on your daughter; she'll besomething quite out of the ordinary!" He whispered it really, butI heard all the same. We spent all the afternoon with him at theKapuzinerberg. There was a splendid military band; two young officersin the Yagers who were sitting at the next table to ours kept on lookingour way; one was particularly handsome. My new summer coat and skirt isawfully becoming everyone says. Father says too: "I say, you'll soon bea young lady! But don't grow up too quickly!" I can't make out why hesaid that; I should like to be quite grown up; but it will be a longtime yet. 

April 14th. It's been raining all day. How horrid. One can't goanywhere. All the morning we were walking about the town and saw severalchurches. Then we were at the pastrycook's, where I ate 4 chocolateeclairs and 2 tartlets. So I had no appetite for dinner. 

April 15th. Just as I was writing yesterday Dr. Gratzl sent up the hotelclerk to ask us to dinner. We went, they live in the Hellbrunnerstrasse. He has 4 daughters and 2 sons and the mother died three years ago. Oneof the sons is a student in Graz and the other is a lieutenant in thearmy; he is engaged to be married. The daughters are quite old already;one of them is 27 and is engaged. I think that is horrid. The youngest(!!!) is 24. It is so funny to say "the youngest" and then she is 24. Father says she is very pretty and will certainly get married At 24!!when she's not even engaged yet; I don't believe she will. They have alarge garden, 3 dogs and 2 cats, which get on very well together. Thereare steps leading up and down from room to room, it is lovely, and allthe windows are bow-windows. Everything is so old-fashioned, eventhe furniture I do think it's all so pretty. The hall is round like achurch. After tea we had candied fruits, stewed fruit, and pastries. Ihad a huge go of stewed fruit. They have a gramaphone and then Leni andI played the piano. Just as we were going away Fritz, the student, camein; he got quite red and in the hall Dr. Gratzl said to me: "You've madea conquest to-day. " I don't really believe I have, but I do like hearingit said. I'm sorry to say we are going away to-morrow, for we are goingto stay 2 days in Linz with Uncle Theodor whom I don't know. 

April 17th. Uncle Theodor is 60 already and Aunt Lina is old too. Still, they are both awfully nice. I did not know them before. We are stayingwith them. In the evening their son and his wife came. They are mycousins, and they brought their little girl with them; I am really asort of aunt of hers. It's awfully funny to be an aunt when one is only12 and 3/4 and when one's niece is 9. To-day we went walking along theDanube. It only rained very gently and not all the time. 

April 18th. We are going home to-day. Of course we have sent a lot ofpicture postcards to Mother and Dora and Hella; we sent one to Oswaldtoo. He came home for Easter. I don't know whether he will still bethere to-morrow. 

April 22nd. We've begun school again. Dora and I generally walk toschool together since she does not go to the Latin lesson now becauseit was too great a strain for her. The specialist Mother took her to seewanted her to give up studying altogether, but she absolutely refuses todo that. But I'm very furious with her; she's learning Latin in secret. When I came into the room the day before yesterday she was writingout words and she shut her book quickly instead of saying openly andhonestly: Rita, don't tell Father and Mother that I'm still studyingin the evening: "I trust your word. " She could trust me perfectly well. There are plenty of things I could tell if I liked! Perhaps she fanciesthat I don't see that the tall fair man always follows us to school inthe morning. Hella has noticed him too, besides he is frightfully baldand must be at least 30. And I'm certain she would not talk as much asshe does to Hella and me if it were not that she wants to talk about_that_. But this deceitfulness annoys me frightfully. Otherwise we arenow quite intimate with one another. 

April 24th. We went to confession and communion to-day. I do hateconfession; though it's never happened to me what many girls have toldme, even girls in the Fifth. No priest has ever asked me about the 6thcommandment; all they've asked is: In thought, word, or deed? Still, Ido hate going to confession, and so does Dora. It's much nicer for Hellaas a Protestant for they have no confession. And at communion I'm alwaysterrified that the host might drop out of my mouth. That would be awful. I expect one would be immediately excommunicated as a heretic. Dora wasnot allowed to come to confession and com. , Father would not let her. She must not go out without her breakfast. 

April 26th. In the Third there really is a girl who dropped the host outof her mouth. There was a frightful row about it. She said it was nother fault the priest's hand shook so. It's quite true, he was very old, and that is why I'm always afraid it will happen to me. It's much betterwhen the priest is young, because then that can never happen. Fathersays that the girl won't be excommunicated for this, and luckily one ofher uncles is a distinguished prelate. He is her guardian too. That willhelp her out. 

April 27th. To-day we got to know this girl in the interval. She isawfully nice and she says she really did not do it on purpose for she isfrightfully pious and perhaps she's going to be a nun. I am pious too, we go to church nearly every Sunday, but I would not go into a convent, not I. Dora says people generally do that when they've been crossedin love, because then the world seems empty and hateful. She looked sofrightfully sentimental that I said: Seems to me you've a fancy that wayyourself? Then she said: "No, thank goodness, I've no reason for that. "Of course what she meant was that she was not crossed in love but theother way. No doubt the tall man in the mornings. I looked hard at herfor a long time and said: "I congratulate you on your good fortune. ButHella and I wish he was not bald, " then she said with an astonished air:"Bald? What are you talking about, he has the lofty brow of a thinker. "

27th. To-day Mademoiselle came for the first time. I have forgotten tosay that Dora has to go out every day for two hours to sit and walk inthe sunshine. Since Mother is not very well and can't walk much, we'veengaged the Mad. Father says that when I have time I must go too "asa precautionary measure. " I don't like the idea at all, it's much toodull; besides I have simply no time. Mad. Is coming 3 times a week, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and on Mondays, Thursdays, andSaturdays I have my music lesson, so I can't go; so Finis andJubilation! That's what Oswald always says at the end of the year andat the end of term. Still, she's very pretty, has fair curly hair, hugegrey eyes with black lashes and eyebrows, but she speaks so fast that Ican't understand all she says. On the other 3 days an Englishwoman isto come, but we have not got one yet, they are all so expensive. It doesseem funny to me to get a salary for going out with _grown up girls_, that's only an amusement. With regular tomboys, such as we saw last yearin Rathaus Park, it would be different. As for the French or Englishconversation! If they did not want to talk what would it matter? Andbesides why should one want to talk either French or English, it's sostupid. 

April 28th. The Richters were here to-day, and the eldest son came too, the lieutenant from Lemberg; he is awfully handsome and made hot loveto Dora; Walter is very nice too, he is at the School of Forestryin Modling; to-morrow the lieutenant is going to bring Dora one ofTolstoi's books to read. Then they will do some music together, shepiano and he violin; it's a pity I can't play as well as Dora yet. AtWhitsuntide Walter is coming too and Viktor (that means conqueror) ison furlough for 6 months, because he's ill, or because he is said to beill; for one does not look like _that_ when one is really ill. 

May 4th. Lieutenant R. Is always coming here, he must be frightfullysmitten with Dora. But Father won't have it at any price. He said toDora to-day:

"You get this gay young spark out of your head; he is no good. But atsight of a uniform there is no holding you girls. I've no objection toyou doing music together for an hour or two; but this perpetual runningto and fro with books and notes is all humbug. "

May 6th. Lieutenant R. Walks with us, that is with Dora, to school everyday. He is supposed to lie in bed late every morning, for he is reallyill but for Dora's sake he gets up frightfully early and comes over fromHeitzing and waits in ---- Street. Of course I go on alone with Hellaand we all meet In ---- Street, so that no one shall notice anything atschool. 

May 13th. To-morrow is Mother's birthday and Viktor (when I am talkingabout him to Dora I always speak of him as V. ) brought her some lovelyroses and invited us all to go there next Sunday. In the hall he calledme "the Guardian Angel of our Love. " Yes, that is what I am and alwaysshall be; for he really deserves it and Dora too is quite differentfrom what she used to be. Hella says one can see for oneself that loveennobles; up till now she has always thought that to be mere poeticalfiction. 

May 15th. Father said: I don't care much about these visits to theRichters as long as that _young jackanapes_ is still there, but Mothercan't very well refuse. We shall wear our green coats and skirts withthe white blouses with the little green silk leaves for Dora does notlike to wear all white except in summer. And because the leaves on theblouses are _clover leaves_, that is because of their meaning. We arelooking forward to it tremendously. I do hope Mother will be all right, for she is in bed to-day. It's horrid being ill anyhow, but when beingill interferes with other people's pleasure it's simply frightful. 

May 16th. The day before yesterday was Mother's birthday; but it was notso jolly as usual because Mother is so often ill; for a birthday presentI painted her a box with a spray of clematis, which looks awfullychic. Dora gave her a book cover embroidered with a spray of Japanesecherries, I don't know what Father gave her, money I think, because onher birthday and name day he always hands her an envelope. But sinceMother is not well we were not very cheerful, and when we drank herhealth at dinner she wiped her eyes when she thought we were notlooking. Still, it's not so dangerous as all that; she is able to go outand doesn't look bad. I think Mother's awfully smart, she looks just aswell in her dressing gown as when she's dressed up to go out. Dora saysthat if she had been made ill by her husband she would hate him andwould never let her daughters marry. That's all very well, but one oughtto be quite _sure_ that _that_ is why one has become ill. They say thatis why Aunt Dora doesn't like Father. Certainly Father is not so nice toher as to other relations or to the ladies who some to see Mother. Butafter all, Aunt Dora has no right to make _scenes_ about it to Father, as Dora says she does. Mother's the only person with any right to dothat. Dora says she is afraid that it will come to Mother's having tohave an operation. Nothing would ever induce me to undergo an operation, it must be horrible, I know because of Hella and the appendicitis. ButDora says: "Anyone who's had five children must be used to that sortof thing. " I shall pray every night that Mother may get well without anoperation. I expect we shan't all go away together at Whitsuntide thisyear, for Mother and Dora are to go to a health resort, most likely toFranzensbad. 

May 18th. It was lovely at the Richters; Walter was there from Modling, he was awfully nice, and said I was so like my sister that it wasdifficult to tell us apart. That's a frightful cram, but I know whathe really meant. He plays the flute splendidly, and the three playeda trio, so that I was frightfully annoyed with myself for not havingworked harder at my music. From to-morrow on I shall practice 2 hoursevery day, if I can possibly find time. Next winter Viktor is going tofound a private dramatic club, so he must be going to stay more than sixmonths in Vienna. Walter thinks Dora awfully charming, and when I said:"The great pity is that she's got such frightful anemia, " he said: In aman's eyes that is no drawback whatever, as you can see in my brother. Moreover, that illness is not a real illness, but often makes a girlmore charming than ever, as you can see in your sister. 

Day before yesterday Miss Maggie Lundy came for the first time; anybodycan have her for me. She wears false hair, flaxen. She says she isengaged, but Dora says, has been. I simply don't believe it. V. SaysMad. Is awfully pretty. When I asked Dora if she was not jealous, shesaid she didn't care, she was quite sure of his love. He means to leavethe army and go into the civil service, and then he will be ableto marry. But Dora said, there's plenty of time for that, a secretengagement is much nicer. Then she noticed she'd given herself away, andshe blushed like anything and said: You naturally must be engaged beforeyou are married, mustn't you?--of course she _is_ secretly engaged, butshe won't tell me about it. What's the good of my being the "GuardianAngel of their Love?" If he only knew. 

May 19th. I really ought to practice to-day, but I simply have notime, first of all I had my lesson anyhow, and secondly something awfulhappened to Dora. She left her diary lying about in the school; andbecause we have our religion lesson in the Fifth I saw a green boundbook lying under the third bench. Great Scott, I thought, that lookslike Dora's diary. I went up as quickly as I could and put my satchelover it. Later in the lesson I picked it up. When I got homeat 1 o'clock I did not say anything at first. After dinnershe began rummaging all over the place, but without sayinganything to me, and then I said quite quietly: "Do you hap--pento be look--ing for your di--ar--y? Here it is; you--left--itin--the--fifth--class--un--der--the--third--bench. " (I kept her ontenter hooks that way. ) She got as white as a sheet and said: "You _are_an angel. If any one else had found it, I should have been expelledand Mad. Would have had to drown herself. " "Oh, it can't be as bad as allthat, " I said, for what she said about Mad. Was frightfully exciting. Inclass I had looked chiefly at what she had written about V. But I couldnot read it there, because it was written very small and close togetherand was several pages, but I had not looked much at what she had writtenabout Mad. "Did you read it?" "No, only where it happened to come openbecause there's a page torn out. " "About V. Or about Mad?" "A little aboutMad; but tell me all about it; I shan't tell anyone. For if I'd wantedto betray you, you know quite well. . . . " And then she told me allabout Mad. But first I had to promise that I would not even tell Hella. Mad. Is secretly engaged to a man to whom she has given "the utmostgifts of love, " that is to say she has . . . . She is madly in love withhim, and they would marry directly but he is a lieutenant too, and theyhave not enough money for the security. She says that when one reallyloves a man one can bear everything for his sake. She has often been tohis rooms, but she has to be frightfully careful for her father wouldkill her if he found out. Dora has seen the lieutenant and says he isvery handsome, but that V. Is much handsomer. Mad. Says that you can'ttrust men as a rule, but that her lover is quite different, that he istrue as steel. I am sure V. Is too. 

May 21st. When Mad. Came to-day I simply could not look at her whileMother was there and Dora says I made an awful fool of myself. ForI went out walking with them to-day, and when we met a smart-lookingofficer I hemmed and looked at Dora. But she didn't know why. Mad. Isthe daughter of a high official in the French military service and sheonly took her teacher's degree in order to get free from her Mother's"_tyranny_;" she nagged at her frightfully and until she began to givelessons she was never allowed to go out alone. Dora says she is veryrefined in her speech, especially when she is talking about _these_things. Of course about _them_ she always speaks German, for it'smuch more difficult to say it in French, and probably Dora would notunderstand it and then Mad. Would only have to translate it. She iscalled Sylvia and he calls her Sylvette. Mad. Says that if one is madlyin love with a man one does whatever he asks. But I don't see that oneneed do that, for he might ask the most idiotic things; he might ask youto get the moon out of the skies, or to pull out a tooth for his sake. Dora says she can understand it quite well; that I still lack _the trueinwardness of thought and feeling_. It looks like utter nonsense. Butsince it sounds fine I've written it down, and perhaps I shall finda use for it some day when I'm talking to Walter. Mad. Is alwaysfrightfully anxious lest she should get a baby. If she did she's sureher father would kill her. The lieutenant is in the flying corps. Hehopes he's going to invent a new aeroplane, and that he will make a lotof money out of it. Then he will be able to marry Mad. But it would beawful if _something happened_ and she got a baby already. 

May 22nd. Dora asked me to-day how it was I knew all about these things, whether Hella had told me. I did not want to give Hella away, so I saidquite casually: "Oh, one can read all about that in the encyclopedia. "But Dora laughed and said: "You are quite on the wrong scent; you can'tfind a tenth of all those things in the encyclopedia, and what you dofind is no good. In _these_ matters it is _absolutely no good_ dependingon books. " First of all she would not tell me any more, but after atime she told me a good deal, especially the names of certain parts, andabout _fertilisation_, and about the microscopic baby which really comesfrom the husband, and not as Hella and I had thought, from the wife. And how one knows whether a woman is _fruitful_. That is really an awfulword. In fact almost every word has a second meaning of _that_ sort, andwhat Dora says is quite true, one must be fearfully careful when one istalking. Dora thinks it would be best to make a list of all such words, but there are such a frightful lot of them that one never could. Theonly thing one can do is to be awfully careful; but one soon gets usedto it. Still it happened to Dora the other day that she said to V. : Idon't want any _intercourse_. And that really means "the utmost giftsof love, " so Mad. Told her. But V. Was so well-mannered that he didnot show that he noticed anything; and it did not occur to Dora untilafterwards what she had said. It's really awfully stupid that everyordinary word should have such a meaning. I shall be so frightfullycareful what I say now, so that I shan't use any word with two meanings. Mad. Says it's just the same in French. We don't know whether it is thesame in English and we could never dream of asking that awful fright, Miss Lundy. Very likely she does not know the first thing about itanyhow. I know a great deal more than Hella now, but I can't tell herbecause of betraying Dora and Mad. Perhaps I can give her a hint tobe more careful in what she says, so as not to use any word with twomeanings. That is really my duty as a friend. 

May 23rd. I quite forgot. Last week Oswald had his written matriculationexam, he wrote a postcard every day and Mother was frightfully annoyedbecause he made such silly jokes all the time that we could not reallytell how he got on. Dora and I are awfully excited because next Mondaywe are going to the aerodome with Frau Richter and her niece who is atthe conservatoire. Lieutenant Streinz is going to fly too. Of coursewe'll motor out because the railway is not convenient. Of course Viktorwill be there, but he is motoring over with some other officers. It'sa great pity, for it would have been lovely if he'd been in our car. Bythe way, I saved the class to-day, the school inspector has been thisweek and examined our class first in History and then in German, and Iwas the only one who knew all that Frau Doktor M. Had told us about theOrigin of Fable. The insp. Was very complimentary and afterwards FrauDoktor M. Said: its quite true one can always depend upon Lainer; she'sgot a trustworthy memory. When we were walking home she was awfullynice: "Do you know, Lainer, I feel that I really must ask your pardon. "I was quite puzzled and Hella asked: But why? She said: "It seemed to methis year that you were not taking quite so much interest in your Germanlessons as you did last year; but now you've _reinstated_ yourself in mygood opinion. " Afterwards Hella said: I say you know, Frau Doktor M. Isnot so far wrong when I think of all that we used to read last year sothat we might know everything when the lesson came, and when I think ofwhat we do this year!!! You know very well -- -- -- --. Hella is quiteright, but still one can learn in spite of _those things_, one can't be_always_ talking about them. And then it's quite easy to learn for suchan angel as Frau Doktor M. Hella says that I got as red as a turkey cockfrom pride because I could say it all in the very words of Frau DoktorM. , but it was not so, for first of all I was not a bit puffed up aboutit, and secondly I really don't know myself how I managed to say itall. I only felt that Frau Doktor M. Is so annoyed when no one offers toanswer a question, and so I took it on. 

May 25th. Confound it, I could slap myself a hundred times. How could Ibe so stupid! Now we're not allowed to go to the aerodome. Father onlylet us go because Viktor is in Linz and Father believed he was goingto stay there another fortnight. And at dinner to-day I made a slip andsaid: "It is a pity there's no room for five in our car. If FrauleinElse were not coming Lieutenant Richter could come with us. " Dora kickedme under the table and I tried to brazen it out, but Father was so angryand said. "Hullo, is the flying man coming? No, no, children, nothingdoing. I shall make your excuses to Frau Richter directly. I'm nothaving any, did not I tell you you weren't to see the fellow any more?"Of course this last was to Dora. Dora did not say anything but she didnot eat any pudding or fruit, and as soon as we were back in our roomshe gave it me hot, saying: You did that on purpose, you little beast, but really you are only a child whom I never ought to have trusted, andso on. It's really too bad to say I did it _on purpose_, as if I enviedher. Besides it's bad for me as well as for her, for I like him verymuch too, for he makes no difference between us and treats me exactlylike Dora. Of course we are not on speaking terms now, and whatinfuriated me more than anything was that she said she grudged everyword she had said to me in _this_ connection: "Pearls before Swine. "What a rude thing to say. So I am an S. But I should like to know whotold most. I forsooth? Anyhow I'm quite sure that I shall never talk toher again about _anything of that sort_. Thank goodness I have a friendin Hella. She would never say or think anything of the kind of me. 

May 26th. Neither of us could sleep a wink all night; Dora criedfrightfully, I heard her though she tried to stifle it, and I cried too, for I was thinking all the time what I could do to prevent Viktorfrom thinking unkindly of me. That would be awful. Then I thought ofsomething, and chance or I ought to say luck helped me. Viktor does notwalk to school with us any longer, because the girls of the Fifth haveseen us several times, but he comes to meet Dora when she comes away at1 o'clock. So quite early I telephoned to him at a public telephone calloffice, for I did not dare to do it at home. Dora was so bad that shecould not go to school so I was going alone with Hella. I telephonedsaying a friend was ringing him up, that was when the maid answered thetelephone, and then she called him. I told him: that whatever happenedhe was not to think unkindly of me and I must see him at 1 o'clockbecause Dora was ill. He must wait at the corner of ---- Street. Allthrough lessons I was so upset that I don't in the least know what wedid. And at 1 o'clock he was there all right, and I told him all aboutit and he was so awfully kind and he consoled me; _he_ consoled _me_. That's quite different from the way Dora behaved. I was so much upsetthat I nearly cried, and then he drew me into a doorway and _put his armround me_ and with his _own_ handkerchief wiped away my tears. I shallnever tell Dora about that. Then he asked me to be awfully kind to Dorabecause she had such a _lot_ to bear. I don't really know _what_ she hasto bear, but still, for his sake, because it's really worth doing it forthat, after dinner I put a note upon her desk, saying: V. Sends oceansof love to you and hopes you will be all right again by Monday. At thesame time his best thanks for the book. I put the note in Heidepeter'sGabriel, which she had lent to me to read and put it down verysignificantly. When she read it she flushed up, swallowed a few timesand said: "Have you seen him? Where was it and when?" Then I told herall about it and she was frightfully touched and said: "You really area good girl, only frightfully undependable. " What do you mean, undependable? She said: Yes undependable, for one simply must not blurtout things in that way; never mind, I will try to forget. Have youfinished Heidepeter's Gabriel yet? "No, " I said, "I'm not going to readanyone's book with whom I'm angry. " In the end we made it up, but ofcourse we did not talk any more about it and I did not say a word aboutthat business with the handkerchief. 

May 29th. On June 10th or 12th, Mother and Dora are going to Frazensbad, because they both have to take mud baths. Besides, Father says that achange will give Dora new thoughts, so that she won't go about hangingher head like a sick chicken. To-day Dora told me something veryinteresting. Unmarried men have little books and with these they can goto visit women "of a certain kind" in Graben and in the Karntnerstrasse. There, Dora says, they have to pay 10 florins or 10 crowns. In Dora'sclass there is a girl whose father is police surgeon, and they have allto be examined every month to see if they are healthy, and if not theycan't visit these "ladies, " and that's why the Preusses can never keep aservant. In my bath yesterday I noticed that I had a certain line, soI must be fr--. But I shan't have more than 1 or 2 children at most forthe line is very faint. When I'm studying I often think of such things, and then I read a whole page and turn over and have not the remotestidea what I've been reading. It's very tiresome, for soon the otherschool insp. For maths. And the other subjects is coming, and I shouldnot like to make a fool of myself; especially not because perhaps theinspectors talk us over with one another about who is clever and whostupid. 

May 30th. The concert was glorious. When I hear such grand music Ialways have to keep myself well in hand for I fear I should cry. It'svery stupid, of course, but at such times I can only think of sadthings, even if it's just a small piece. Dora can play Brahms' HungarianDances, too, but that never makes me want to cry. I only get annoyedbecause I can't play them myself. I could all right, but I have not gotpatience to practice long enough. I never tell anyone that I want tocry when I am listening to music, not even Hella, though I tell hereverything, except of course about Mad. Yesterday I made a fool ofmyself; at least so Dora says. I don't know how it happened, we weretalking about books at supper, and I said: "What's the use of books, one can't learn anything out of them; everything is quite different fromwhat they say in books. " Then Father got in a wax and said: "You littleduffer, you can thank your stars there are books from which you canlearn something. Anyone who can't understand a book always says it is nogood. " Dora gave me a look, but I didn't know what she meant, and Iwent on: "Yes, but there's an awful lot that the encyclopedia puts allwrong. " "What have you been ferreting in the encyclopedia for; we shallhave to keep the key of the bookcase in a safer place. " Thank goodnessDora came to my help and said: "Gretel wanted to look up somethingabout the age of elephants and mammoths, but it's quite different in theencyclopedia from what Prof. Rigl told her last year. " I was saved. Doracan act splendidly; I've noticed it before. In the evening she rowed me, and said: "You little goose, will you never learn caution; first thatstupidity about Viktor and to-day this new blunder! I've helped you outof a hole once but I shan't do it again. " And then she spent all thetime writing a letter, to him of course--! Hella and I have just beenreading a lot of things in the encycl. , about _Birth_ and _Pregnancy_, and I on my own about abor--; we came across the words Embyroand Foetus, and I said nothing at the time but tied 2 knots in myhandkerchief to remind me, and yesterday I looked them up. Mad. Neednot be anxious even if she _really_ did get like that. But every doctorknows about it and one often dies of it. I wonder if Mad. Knows anythingabout it. We were talking about the _differences_ between men and women, and it came out that when Hella has her bath she is still washed by Annawho has been with them for 12 years. Nothing would induce me to allowthat, I would not let anyone wash me, except Mother; certainly not Dora, for I don't want her to know what _I_ look like. The nurse in the hosp. Told Hella that she is developed just like a little nymph, so lovely andsymetrical. Hella says that is nothing unusual, that every girl lookslike that, that the female body is _Nature's Work of Art_. Of courseshe's read that somewhere, for it does not really mean anything. _Nature's_ work of art; it ought to be: a work of art made by husbandand wife!!!

May 30th. Dora and Mother are going to Franzensbad on June 6th, directlyafter Whitsuntide. Dora has got another new coat and skirt, grey withblue stripes; yesterday our white straw hats came, it suits me very wellsays Hella and everyone, with white ribbons and wild roses. There mighthave been a fearful row about what's just happened. When I went totelephone I had my Christmas umbrella with the rose-quartz handle andI left it in the telephone box; the girl in the tobacco shop found itthere, and as she knows me she brought it here and gave it to the porterwho brought it upstairs. Thank goodness it occurred to me at once to saythat I went into the tobacco shop to buy stamps and I must have left itin the _shop_. No one noticed anything. 

May 31st. They wanted me to go and stay with Hella for the month whenMother and Dora are away. It would be awfully nice, but I'm not goingto, for I want to stay with Father. What would he do all alone at mealtimes, and whom would he have to talk to in the evenings? Father wasreally quite touched when I said this and he stroked my hair as he canand no one else, not even Mother. So I'm going to stay at home whateverhappens. Flowers are very cheap now, so I shall put _different_ flowerson the table every day, I shall go to the Market every day to buy alittle posy, so that they can always be fresh. It would be stupid for meto go to the Brs. , why should I, Resi has been with us for such a longtime, she knows how to do everything even if Mother is not there andeverything else I can arrange. Father won't want for anything. 

June 1st. We've had such an experience to-day! It's awful; it's quitetrue then that one takes off _every stitch_ when one is madly fond ofanyone. I never really believed it, and I'm sure Dora did not, althoughMad. Hinted it to her; but _it's true_. We've seen it _with our owneyes_. I was just sitting and reading Storm's The Rider of the GreyHorse and Dora was arranging some writing paper to take to Franzensbadwhen Resi came and said: Fraulein Dora, please come here a moment, Iwant you to look at something! From the tone of her voice I saw therewas something up so I went too. At first Resi would not say what itwas but Dora was generous and said: "It's all right, you can say_everything_ before her. " Then we went into Resi's room and from behindthe curtain peeped into the mezzanin. A young _married couple_ livethere!!! At least Resi says people say they are _not_ really married, but simply live together!!!! And what we saw was awful. She wasabsolutely naked lying in bed without any of the clothes on, and hewas kneeling by the bedside quite n-- too, and he kissed her all over, _everywhere!!!_ Dora said afterwards it made her feel quite sick. Andthen he stood up--no, I can't write it, it's too awful, I shall neverforget it. So _that's_ the way of it, it's simply frightful. I couldnever have believed it. Dora went as white as a sheet and trembled sothat Resi was terribly frightened. I nearly cried with horror, and yetI could not help laughing too. I was really afraid he would stifle herbecause he's so big and she's so small. And Resi says he is certainlymuch too big for her, and that he nearly tears her. I don't know whyhe should tear her but certainly he might have crushed her. Dora wasso terrified she had to sit down and Resi hurried to get her a glass ofwater, because she believed she was going to faint. I had not imaginedit was anything like _that_, and Dora certainly had not either. Or shewould never have trembled so. Still I really don't see why she shouldtremble like that. There is no reason to be frightened, one simply neednot marry, and then one need never strip off every stitch, and oh dear, poor Mademoiselle who is so small and the lieutenant is very tall. But just think if anyone is as fat as Herr Richter or our landlord. Ofcourse Herr Richter is at least 50, but last January the landlord hadanother little girl, so something _must have happened_. No, I'm sureit's best not to marry, for _it_ is really too awful. We did not lookany more for then came the worst, suddenly Dora began to be actuallysick, so that she could hardly get back to our room. If she had notbeen able to, everything would have come out. Mother sent for the doctordirectly and he said that Dora was very much overworked; that it was agood thing she was going away from Vienna in a few days. No girl oughtto study, it does not pay. Then he said to me: "You don't look up tomuch either. What are you so hollow-eyed for?" "I'm so frightened aboutDora, " I said. "Fiddlededee, " said the doctor, "that does not giveanyone black rings round the eyes. " So it must be true that one gets tolook ill when one always has to think about _such_ things. But how canone help it, and Hella says: It's awfully interesting to have blackrings under the eyes and men _like_ it. 

We were going to make an excursion to-morrow to Kahlenberg andHermannskogel, but probably it won't come off. Its 11 already and I'mfearfully tired from writing so much; I must go to bed. I do hope IShall be able to sleep, but -- -- -- --

June 3rd. Father took Hella and me to Kahlenberg; we enjoyed ourselvestremendously. After dinner, when Father was reading the paper in thehotel, we went to pick flowers, and I told Hella all about what we'dseen on Friday. She was simply speechless, all the more since she hadnever heard what Mad. Told us about taking off everything. She won'tmarry either, for it's too disagreeable, indeed too horrid. --The doctorsaid too: This perpetual learning is poisonous for young girls _in theyears of development_. If he only knew _what_ we had seen. Hella isfrightfully annoyed that she was not there. She can be jolly glad, Idon't want to see it a second time, and I shall never forget it all mylife long; what I saw at the front door was nothing to this. ThenHella went on making jokes and said: "I say, just think if it hadbeen Viktor. " "Oh, do shut up, " I screamed, and Father thought we werequarrelling and called out: "You two seem to be having a dispute in thegrand style. " If he'd only known what we were talking about!!! Oswaldhas been home since Friday evening; he did not arrive till half past 10. But he did not come on the excursion with us yesterday, although Fatherwould have liked him to; he said he would find it much too dull to spendthe day with two "flappers;" that means that we're not grown up enoughfor him and is a piece of infernal cheek especially as regards Hella. She says she will simply ignore him in future. Since I am his sisterI can't very well do that, but I shan't fetch and carry for him as hewould like me to. He's no right to insult even his sister. 

Dora has just said to me: It's horrible that one has to endure that (youknow what!!! -- -- -- --) when one is married. Resi had told her aboutthose two before, and that only the Jews do it just like _that_. Shesaid that other people did not strip quite naked and that perhaps it'sdifferent in some other ways!! -- -- -- But Mad. Implied that it wasjust _that_ way, only she did not say anything about the crushing; butI suppose that's because of the cruelty of the Jews -- -- --. I'm afraidevery night that I'm going to dream about it, and Dora has dreamed aboutit already. She says that whenever she closes her eyes she sees it allas if it were actually before her. 

June 4th. We understand now _what_ Father meant the other day when hewas speaking about Dr. Diller and his wife and said: "But they don'tsuit one another at all. " I thought at the time he only meant that itlooks so absurd for so tiny a woman to go about with a big strongman. But that's only a minor thing; the main point is something quitedifferent!!!! Hella and I look at all couples now who go by arm in arm, thinking about them from _that_ point of view, and it amuses us so muchas we are going home that we can hardly keep from laughing. But reallyit's no laughing matter, especially for the woman. 

June 5th. This morning Mother took Dora with her to pay a farewell callat the Richter's. But there was no one at home, that is Frau R. Wascertainly at home, but said she was not because they are very muchoffended with Father. In the afternoon Dora and I had a lot of things toget, and we met Viktor, by arrangement of course. Dora cried a lot; theywent into the Minorite church while I went for a walk in Kohlmarkt andHerrengasse. He is going to America in the beginning of July, beforeDora comes home. He has given her some exquisite notepaper stamped withhis regimental arms, specially for her to write to him on, and a locketwith his portrait. To-morrow she is going to send him her photo, throughme, I shall be awfully glad to take it. Dora has been much nicer to melately. 

June 6th. Mother and Dora left early this morning. Mother has never goneaway from us before for long at a time, so I cried a lot and so did she. Dora cried too, but I know on whose account. Father and I are alone now. At dinner he said to me: "My little housewife. " It was so lovely. Butit's frightfully quiet in the house, for 2 people don't talk so much as4. It made me feel quite uncomfortable. To-day I talked several thingsover with Resi. What I think worst of all is that one saw the wholeof his behind, it was really disgusting. Dora said the other day shethought it was positively infamous. Resi said they might at leasthave pulled down the blind so that nobody could see in, that's whatrespectable people would do. But _respectable_ people simply wouldnot strip, or at least they'd cover themselves respectably with thebedclothes. Then Resi told me some more about the bank clerk and hiswife, that is _not_-wife. She does not know if her parents know aboutit, and what excuse she makes for not living at home. She is not aJewess, though he is a Jew. Resi absolutely curled up with laughingbecause I said: "Ah, that is why he insists that they shall _both_ stripthough ordinarily only the wife has to strip. " But she herself said alittle while ago that only Jews do it _that way_, and to-day she laughedas if I were talking utter nonsense. Really she does not know exactlyherself, and she cloaks it with laughter because she's annoyed, firstbecause _she_ does not know, and then also I'm sure because she reallybegan to talk about the matter. One thing that puzzles me is that Inever dream about _it_. I should like to know whether perhaps Dora neverreally dreamed of it, though she pretended she did. As for Hella sayingshe dreamed of it the day before yesterday, I'm sure that was pureinvention, for she was not there at all. She says it's a good thing shewas not for if she had been she would have burst out laughing. But Ifancy if she'd seen what we saw she would have found there was nothingto laugh at. 

June 7th. It's frightfully dull after dinner and in the evening beforebed time, especially because this year, since the affair at the frontdoor, Dora and I have always had plenty to talk about. I miss it. I wishHella would come and stay with us for the 4 weeks. But she does not wantto. Father had work to do to-day, so I'm quite alone and feel as if I'dlike to cry. 

June 9th. Yesterday, when I was feeling so melancholy, Resi came to makemy bed, and we talked about the married couple opposite, and then shetold me awful things about a young married couple where she was once. She left because they always went into the bath together; she says she'scertain that _something happened_ there. And then she told me about anold gentleman who made _advances_ to her; but of course she would nothave anything to do with him; besides he was married, and anyhow hewould never have married a servant for he was a privy councillor. Yesterday Father said: Poor little witch, it's very lonely for you now;but look here, Resi is no fit company for you; when your little tonguewants to wag, come to my room. And I was awfully stupid, I began to crylike anything and said. "Father, please don't be angry, I'll never thinkand never talk of such things any more. " Father did not know at firstwhat I meant, but afterwards it must have struck him, for he was so kindand gentle, and said: "No, no, Gretel, don't corrupt your youth withsuch matters, and when there's anything that bothers you, ask Mother, but not the servants. A girl of good family must not be too familiarwith servants. Promise me. " And then, though I'm so big he took me onhis knee like a child and petted me because I was crying so. "It's allright, little Mouse, don't worry, you must not get so nervous as Dora. Give me a nice kiss, and then I'll come with you to your room and staywith you till you go to sleep. " Of course I stayed awake on purpose aslong as I could, till a quarter to 11. 

And then I dreamed that Father was lying in Dora's bed so that when Iwoke up early in the morning I really looked across to see if he had notgone to bed there. But of course I'd only dreamed it. 

June 12th. To-morrow there's a great school excursion; I am so glad, awhole day with Frau Doktor M. And without any lessons. We are going upEisernes Tor. Last year there was no outing, because the Fourth did notwant to go to the Anninger, but to the Hochschneeberg, and the Head didnot want to go there. 

June 13th. We had a lovely outing. Hella and I spent the whole day withFrau Doktor M. ; in the afternoon Franke said: "I say, why do you stickto Frau Doktor like that? One can't get a word with you. " So then we wentfor a good walk through the forest with Franke and she told us about astudent who is in the Eighth now and who is madly in love with her. For all students are in love with her, _so she says_. We were not muchinterested in that, but then she told us that Frau Doktor M. Is secretlyengaged to a professor in Leipzig or some other town in Germany. Hercousin is Frau Doktor's dressmaker, and she is quite certain of it. Herparents are opposed to it because he is a _Jew_ but they are franticallyin love with one another and they intend to marry. And then we askedFranke, since she is a Jewess too whether it was all true what Mali, who was here when Resi was in hospital, had told us about the Jews. AndFranke said: "Oh yes, it is true I can confirm it in every point. Butit's not so bad about the cruelty, every man is cruel, especially inthis matter. " No doubt she's right, but it's horrible to think that ourlovely and refined Frau Doktor M is going to have a cruel husband. Hellasays that if _she_ is satisfied, I don't need to get excited about it. But perhaps she does not know that -- -- --. When we came out of thewood the Herr Religionsprofessor who is awfully fond of Frau DoktorM. Called out: "Frau Doktor, you have lost your two satellites!" Andeverybody laughed because we'd come back. Father came to fetch Hella andme, and since it was nearly 11 o'clock Hella stayed the night with us. It was awfully nice, but at the same time I was sorry because I couldnot have any more talk with Father. When we were getting up in themorning we splashed one another and played the fool generally, so thatwe were nearly late for school. The staff was still in high spirits, including Professor Wilke, about whom we had not bothered ourselves allday; that is he did not come until the afternoon when he came to meetus on our way. We believe he is in love with Frau Doktor M. Too, forhe went about with her all the time, and it was probably on her accountthat he came. None of the other professors were there, for they were alltaking their classes in the different Gymnasiums. 

June 14th. I am so excited. We were going to school to-day at 9 andsuddenly we heard a tremendous rattling with a sword; that is Hellaheard it, for she always notices that sort of thing before I do, and shesaid: "Hullo, that's an o-- in a frightful hurry, " and looked round; "Isay, there's Viktor behind us" and he really was, he was saluting us andhe said: Fraulein Rita, can you give me a moment; you'll excuse me won'tyou, Fraulein Hella? He always calls me Rita, and it shows what a nicerefined kind of a man he is that he should know my friend's name. Hellasaid directly: "Don't mention it, Herr Oberleutenant, don't let me bein your way if it's anything important, " and she went over to theother side of the street. He looked after her and said: "What a lovely, well-mannered young lady your friend is. " Then he came back to the mainpoint He has already had 2 letters from Dora, but not an answer tohis letter, because she can't fetch it from the post office, _posterestante_. Then he implored me to enclose a letter from him in mine toDora. But since Mother naturally reads my letters, I told him it wasnot so simple as all that; but I knew of a splendid way out of thedifficulty; I would write to Mother and Dora _at the same time_, sothat Dora could get hold of _his letter_ while Mother was not noticing. Viktor was awfully pleased and said: "You're a genius and a first-classlittle schemer, " and kissed my hand. Still, he might have left out the"little. " If one's is so _little_, one can't very well be a schemer. From the other side of the street Hella saw him kiss my hand. She saysI did not try to draw it away, but held it out to him like a grand ladyand even dropped it at the wrist. She says we girls of good family dothat sort of thing by instinct. It may be so, for I certainly did notdo it intentionally. In the afternoon I wrote the two letters, just theordinary one to Mother and a short one to Dora with the enclosure, andtook it to the post _myself_. 

June 16th. I've already got so used to being alone with Father that Itake it as a matter of course. We often drive in the Prater, or go inthe evening to have supper in one of the parks, and of course Hellacomes with us. I am frightfully excited to know what Dora will write. Iforgot to write in my diary the other day that I asked Viktor if he wasreally going to New York. He said he had no idea of doing anything ofthe kind, that had only been a false alarm on the part of the Old Man. That's what he calls his father. I don't think it's very nice of him, alittle vulgar, and perhaps that is why Father can't stand him. In factFather does not like any officers very much, except Hella's father, butthen he's fairly old already. I say, Hella mustn't read that, it wouldput her in an awful wax; but her father really is at least 4 or 5 yearsolder than Father. 

June 17th. Frau Doktor M. Is ill, but we don't know what's the matterwith her. We were all frightfuly dull at school. The head took herclasses and we were left to ourselves in the interval. I do hope she hasnot got appendicitis, that would be awful. 

June 18th. _She_ isn't back yet. Frau Doktor Steiner says she has verybad tonsillitis and won't be able to come for at least a week. 

June 19th. There was a letter from Dora to-day. I'm furious. Not a wordabout my sisterly affection, but only: "Many thanks for your trouble. "It's really too bad; _he_ is quite different!! I shan't forget this in ahurry. Hella says that she only hinted at it like that to be on thesafe side. But it's not true, for she knows _perfectly well_ that Fathernever reads our letters. She simply takes it as a matter of course. Yesterday was the first time I stayed away from school since I went tothe High School. Early in the morning I had such a bad sore throat anda headache, so Father would not let me go. I got better as the day wenton, but this morning I was worse again. Most likely I shall have to stayat home for 2 or 3 days. Father wanted to send for the doctor, but itreally was not necessary. 

June 20th. When Resi was doing our room to day she wanted to begintalking once more about _various things_, but I said I did notparticularly care to hear about such matters, and then she implored menever to tell Mother and Father anything about what she had said to usabout the young married couple; she said she would lose her place andshe would be awfully sorry to do that. 

June 21st. My knees are still trembling; there might have been afrightful row; luckily Father was out. At half past 6, when Hella and Iwere having a talk, the telephone bell rang. Luckily Resi had gone outtoo to fetch something so I answered the telephone, and it was Viktor!"I must see you to-morrow morning early or at 1 o'clock; I waited foryou _in vain_ at 1 to-day. " Of course, for I was still ill, that isstill am ill. But well or ill I must go to school to-morrow. If Fatherhad been at home; or even Resi, she might have noticed something. Itwould have been very disagreeable if I had had to ask her not to give meaway. Hella was frightfully cheeky, she took the receiver out of my handand said: "Please don't do this again, it's frightfully risky for myfriend. " I was rather annoyed with her, but Hella said he certainlydeserved a lecture. 

To-morrow we are going to a concert and I shall wear my new white dress. It does look rather nice after all for sisters to be dressed alike. I'vetaken to wearing snails, *** Father calls them "cow-pats;" but everyoneelse says it's exceedingly becoming. 

 *** Flat rolls of hair-plait covering the ears. --Translators' Note. 

June 22nd. He was awfully charming when he came up to us and said: "Cana repentant sinner be received back into grace?" And he gave each of usa lovely rose. Then he handed me a letter and said: "I don't think weneed make any secret before your energetic friend. " Really I did notwant to forward any more letters but I did not know how to say sowithout offending him, for Dora's cheek is not his fault, and I did notwant to say anything to-day, 1 because of the roses, and 2 becauseHella was there. There can't be more than 2 or 3 times more, so I shan'tbother. But _Dora_ doesn't deserve it, really. Franke is a vulgar girl. She saw us together the other day, and the next day she asked: Where didyou pick up that handsome son of Mars? Hella retorted: "Don't use suchcommon expressions when you are speaking of Rita's cousin. " "Oh, acousin, that's why he kisses her hand I suppose?" Since then we onlyspeak to Franke when we are positively obliged. Not to speak to her atall would be too dangerous, you never can tell; but if we speak only alittle, she can't take offence. 

June 23rd. The school insp. Came yesterday, the old one who alwayscomes for Maths. He is so kind and gentle that all the girls can answereverything; we like him better than the one who comes for languages. Verbenowitsch was awfully puffed up because he praised her. Good Lord, I've been praised often enough, but that does not make _me_ conceited. Anyhow he did not call on me yesterday because I'd been absent 4 days. Frau Doktor M. Came back to-day. She looks awfully pale and wretched, Idon't know why; it's such a pity that she does not let us walk home withher, except last year when there was all that fuss about Fraulein St. 'sbead bag. She bows to us all very politely when we salute her, but shewon't walk with any of the pupils, though Verbenowitsch is horriblypushing and is always hanging about on the chance. 

June 26th. It's really stupid how anxious I am now at Communion lestthe host should drop out of my mouth. I was so anxious I was very nearlysick. Hella says there must be some reason for it, but I don't know ofany, except that the accident which that girl Lutter in the Third hadmade me even more anxious that I was before. Hella says I'd better turnProtestant, but nothing would induce me to do that; for after Com. Onefeels so pure and so much better than one was before. But I'm sorry tosay it does not last so long as it ought to. 

June 27th. Mother is _really_ ill. Father told me about it. He wasawfully nice and said: If only your Mother is spared to us. She is farfrom well. Then I asked: Father, what is really wrong with Mother? AndFather said: "Well, dear, it's a hidden trouble, which has really beengoing on for a long time and has now suddenly broken out. " "Will shehave to have an operation?" "We hope we shall be able to avoid that. Butit's a terrible thing that Mother should be so ill. " Father looked somiserable when he said this that I did my best to console him and said:"But _surely_ the mud baths will make her all right, or why should shetake them?" And Father said: "Well, darling, we'll hope for the best. "We went on talking for a long time, saying that Mother must take allpossible care of herself, and that perhaps in the autumn Aunt Dora wouldcome here to keep house. I asked Father, "Is it true that you don't likeAunt Dora?" Father said: "Not a bit of it, what put that idea intoyour head?" So I said: "But you do like Mother much better, don't you?"Father laughed and said: "You little goose, of course I do, or I shouldhave married Aunt Dora and not Mother. " I should have liked awfullyto ask Father a lot more, but I did not dare. I really do miss Dora, especially in the evenings. 

July 2nd. I was in a tremendous rage at school to-day. Professor W. , the traitor, did not come because he had confession and communion inthe Gymnasium, and the matron did not know anything about the subjectso there was no one to take his class. Then the Herr Religionsprofessortook it, he had come earlier than usual to write up the reports. Butsince the Jewish girls were there too, of course there was no religionlesson. But the H. Rel. Prof. Had a chat with us. He asked each of uswhere we were going to spend the summer, and when I said I was goingto Rodaun, Weinberger said: I say, _only_ to Rodaun! and several of theother girls chimed in: _Only_ to Rodaun; why that's only a drive on thesteam tram. I was frightfully annoyed, for we generally go to Tyrolor Styria; I said so directly, and then Franke said: Last year too, Ithink, you went somewhere quite close to Vienna, where was it, Hain--, and then she stopped and made as if she had never heard of Hainfeld. Ofcourse that was all put on, but she's very angry because we won't speakto her since that business about the _cousin!_ But now I was to learnwhat true friendship is. While I was getting still more angry, Hellasaid: Rita's Mother is now in _Franzensbad, the world-famous healthresort_; she is ill, and Prof. Sch. Has to go and see her at leastonce a week. The Herr Rel. Prof. Was awfully nice and said: Rodaun isa lovely place. The air there is very fine and will certainly do yourMother a lot of good. That's the chief thing, isn't it children? I hopethat God will spare all your parents for many years. When the HerrRel. Prof. Said that, Lampel, whose Mother died last winter, burstout crying, and I cried too, for I thought of my talk with Father. Weinberger and Franke thought I was crying because I was annoyed becausewe were only going to Rodaun. In the interval Franke said: After all, there's no harm in going to Rodaun, that's no reason for crying. ButHella said: "Excuse me, the Lainers can go anywhere they please, theyare so well off that many people might envy them. Besides, her Motherand her sister are in Franzensbad now, where everything is frightfullyexpensive, and in Rodaun they have rented a house all for themselves. Rita is crying because she is anxious about her Mother, not becauseof anything you said. " Of course we don't speak a word to Franke now. Mother does not want us to anyhow, she did not like her at all when shemet her last year. Mother has a fine instinct in such matters. 

July 6th. We broke up to-day. I have nothing but Very Goods, except ofcourse in ---- Natural History! That was to be expected. What -- -- (Ican't bring myself to write the name) said was perfectly right. Nearlyall the girls who were still there brought Frau Doktor M. And FrauDoktor St. Flowers as farewell tokens. This time, Hella and I wereallowed to go with Frau Doktor M. To the metropolitan. When we kiss herhand she always blushes, and we love doing it. This summer holidays sheis going to -- -- -- _Germany_, of course; really Hella need not haveasked; it's obvious!!!

July 8th. Mother and Dora are coming home today. We are going to meetthem at the station. By the way, I'd quite forgotten. The other dayFather hid a new 5 crown piece in my table napkin, and when I lifted upmy table napkin it fell out, and Father said: In part payment of youroutlay on flowers for the table. Father is such a darling, the flowersdid not cost anything like 5 crowns, 3 at most, for though they werelovely ones, I only bought fresh ones every other day. Now I shall beable to buy Mother lots of roses, and I shall either take them to thestation or put them on her table. On the one hand I'm awfully gladMother is coming home, but on the other hand I did like being alone withFather for he always talked to me about everything just as he does toMother; that will come to an end now. 

July 10th. Mother and Dora look splendid; I'm especially glad aboutMother; for one can see that she is quite well again. If we had nottaken the house in Rodaun, we might just as well go to Tyrol, for onecan't deny it would be much nicer. Dora looks quite a stranger. It'sabsurd, for one can't alter in 1 month, still, she really looks quitedifferent; she does her hair differently, parted over the ears. I havehad no chance yet to say anything about the "trouble, " and she has notalluded to it. In the autumn she will have to have a special exam. Forthe Sixth because she went away a month before the end of term. Fathersays that is only pro forma and that she must not take any lesson booksto the country. Hella went away yesterday, she and her Mother and Lizziare going first to Gastein and then to stay with their uncle in Hungary. Life is dull without Hella, much worse than without Dora; without her Iwas simply bored sometimes in the evening, at bedtime. Dora gives itout that in Franzensbad people treated her as a grown-up lady. I'm surethat's not true for anyone can see that she's a long way from being agrown-up lady yet. 

July 11th. I can't think what's happened to Dora. When she goes outshe goes alone. She doesn't tell me when she is going or where, andshe hasn't said a word about Viktor. But he must know that she is back. To-morrow we are going to Rodaun, by train of course, not by the steamtram. The day after to-morrow, the 13th, Oswald has the viva voce examfor his matriculation. He says that in every class there are at least1 or several _swotters_, like Verbenowitsch in ours, he says they spoilthe pitch for the others, for, because of the swotters, the professorsexpect so much more of the others and sit upon them. This may be so inthe Gymnasium, but certainly not at the High School. For though Verb. Isalways sucking up to the staff, they can't stand her; they give her goodreports, but none of them really like her. Mother says the 13th is anunlucky day, and it makes her anxious about Oswald. Because of that shewent to High Mass yesterday instead of the 9 o'clock Mass as usual. I never thought of praying for Oswald, and anyhow I think he'll getthrough all right. 

July 13th. Thank goodness Oswald has wired he is through, that is he haswired his favourite phrase: Finis with Jubilation. At any rate that didnot worry Mother as he did over the written exam. , when he madesilly jokes all the time. He won't be home until the 17th, for thematriculation dinner is on the 15th. Father is awfully pleased too. It's lovely here; of course we have not really got a whole house toourselves, as Hella pretended at school, but a flat on the first story;in the mezzanin a young married woman lives, that is to say a _newlymarried couple!!_ Whenever I hear that phrase it makes me shake withhorror and laughter combined. Resi must have thought of it too, forshe looked hard at Dora and me when she told us. But they have a babyalready, so they are not really a newly married couple any more. Thelandlord, who lives on the same floor as us, is having a swing putup for me in the garden for it is horrid not to have a swing in thecountry. 

July 16th. At last Dora has said something to me about Viktor, but shespoke very coldly; there must be something up; she might just as welltell me; she really ought to seeing all that I've done. I have not seenhim since that last letter of June 27th; that time something musthave hap-- no that word means something quite different, there must besomething up, but I do wonder what. Hella is delighted with Gastein, shewrites that the only thing wanting is _me_. I can quite understand that, for what I want here is _her_. Before the end of term Ada wrote to askwhether we were not coming to H. This year; she said she had such afrightful lot to tell me, and _she wants my advice_. I shall be veryglad to advise her, but I don't know what it is about. 

July 18th. Something splendid, we are -- -- -- But no, I must write itall out in proper order. Oswald came home yesterday, he is in great formand said jokingly to Dora that she is so pretty he thinks he would fallin love with her if she were not his sister. Just before it was time togo to supper, Mother called us in, and I was rather annoyed when I sawthat it was only a quarter to 8. Then Father came in with a paper inhis hand as he often does when he comes back from the office, and said:"Dear Oswald and you two girls, I wanted to give you and especiallyOswald a little treat because of the matriculation. " Aha, I thought, thegreat prize after all! Then Father opened the paper and said: "You haveoften wondered as children why we have no title of nobility like theother Lainers. My grandfather dropped it, but I have got it back againfor you Oswald, and also for you two girls. Henceforward we shall callourselves Lanier von Lainsheim like Aunt Anna and your uncles. " Oswaldwas simply speechless and I was the first to pull myself together andgive Father a great hug. But first of all he said: "Do credit to thename. " Oswald went on clearing his throat for a frightfully long time, and then he said: Thank you, Father, I shall always hold the name intrust, and then they kissed one another. We were on our best behaviourall through the evening, although Mother had ordered roast chicken andFather had provided a bottle of champagne. I am frightfully happy; it'sso splendid and noble. Think of what the girls will say, and the staff!I'm frantically delighted. To-morrow I must write and tell Hella allabout it. 

July 19th. I've managed it beautifully. I did not want to write just: Weare now noble, so I put it all in the signature, simply writing Alwaysyour loving friend Rita Lainer von Lainsheim. I told Resi about it firstthing this morning, but Father scolded me about that at dinner time andsaid it was quite unnecessary; it seems the nobility has gone to yourhead. Nothing of the sort, but it's natural that I should be frightfullyglad and Dora too has covered a whole sheet of paper writing her newname. Father says it does not really make us any different from whatwe were before, but that is not true, for if it were he would not havebothered to revive the title. He says it will make it easier for Oswaldto get on, but I'm sure there's more in it than that. Resi told thelandlord about it and in the afternoon he and his wife called tocongratulate us. 

July 20th. Oswald says he won't stay here, it's much too dull, he isgoing for a walking tour through the Alps, to Grossglockner, and then tothe Karawanken. He will talk of Father as the "Old Man, " and I do thinkit is so vulgar. Dora says it is absolutely _flippant_. 

July 24th. Hella's answer came to-day; she congratulates me mostheartily, and then goes on to write that at first she was struck dumband thought I'd gone crazy or was trying to take her in. But her motherhad already heard of it from her father for it had been published in theOfficial Gazette. Now we are both noble, and that is awfully nice. For Ihave often been annoyed that she was noble when I was not. 

July 25th. Oswald left to-day. Father gave him 300 crowns for hiswalking tour, because of the matriculation. I said: "In that case Ishall matriculate as soon as I can" and Oswald said: "For that one wantsrather more brains in one's head than you girls have. " What cheek, FrauDoktor M. Passed the Gymnasium matriculation and Frau Doktor Steinerpassed it too as an extra. Dora said quietly: Maybe I shall show youthat your sister can matriculate too; anyhow you have always saidyourself that the chief thing you need to get through the matriculationis cheek. Then I had a splendid idea and said: "But we girls have notgot cheek, we _study_ when we have to pass an examination!" Motherwanted us to make it up with him, but we would not. In the evening Dorasaid to me: Oswald is frantically arrogant, though he has had such a lotof Satisfactories and has only just scraped through his exam. By the wayhere's another sample of Oswald's stupidity; directly after the wire:"Finis with Jubilation" came another which ought to have arrived first, for it had been handed in 4 hours earlier, with nothing but the word"Through" [Durch]. Mother was frightfully upset by it for she was afraidit really meant _failed_ [durchgefallen], and that the other telegramhad been only an idiotic joke. Dora and I would never condescend to suchhorseplay. Father always says Oswald will sow all his wild oats at theuniversity, but he said to-day that he was not going to the university, but would study mining, and then perhaps law. 

July 29th. It's sickeningly dull here, I simply don't know what to do;I really can't read and swing the whole day long, and Dora has become asdull as she used to be; that is, even duller, for not only does shenot quarrel, but she won't talk, that is she won't talk about _certainthings_. She is perfectly crazy about the baby of the young couplein the mezzanin; he's 10 months old, and I can't see what she sees toplease her in such a little pig; she's always carrying him about andyesterday he made her all wet, I wished her joy of it. It made herpretty sick, and I hope it will cure her infatuation. 

Thank goodness to-morrow is my birthday, that will be a bit of a change. To-morrow we are going to the Parapluie Berg, but I hope we shan't wantour umbrellas. Father is coming back at 1 so that we can get away at2 or half past. Hella has sent me to-day a lock-up box for letters, etc. !!! of course filled with sweets and a tremendously long letter totell me how _she_ is getting on in Gastein. But they are only going tostay a month because it is frantically expensive, a roll 5 krenzer anda bottle of beer 1 crown. And the rolls are so small that one simply hasto eat 3 for breakfast and for afternoon tea. But it's awfully smartin the hotel, several grooms; then there are masses of Americans andEnglish and even a consul's family from Sydney in Australia. --I spendmost of the day playing with two dachshund puppies. They are called Maxand Moritz, though of course one of them is a bitch. That is really aword which one ought not to write, for it means something, at least inits other meaning. 

THIRD YEAR, AGE THIRTEEN TO FOURTEEN

THIRD YEAR

July 31st. Yesterday was my birthday, the thirteenth. Mother gave me aclock with a luminous dial which I wanted for my night-table. Of coursethat is chiefly of use during the long winter nights; embroideredcollars; from Father, A Bad Boy's Diary, which one of the nurses lentHella when she was in hospital; it's such a delightfully funny book, butFather says it's stupid because no boy could have written all that, anew racquet with a leather case, an awfully fine one, a Sirk, and tennisballs from Dora. Correspondence cards, blue-grey with silver edge. Grandfather and Grandmother sent a basket of cherries, red ones, and abasket of currants and strawberries; the strawberries are only for mefor my birthday. Aunt Dora sent three neckties from Berlin for winterblouses. In the afternoon we went to the Par. -Berg. It would have beenawfully jolly if only Mother could have gone too or if Hella had beenthere. 

August 1st. I got a letter from Ada to-day. She sends me many happyreturns, for she thinks it is on the 1st of August, and then comes thechief thing. She is frightfully unhappy. She writes that she wants toescape from the cramping environment of her family, she simply can'tendure _the stifling atmosphere of home_. She has been to St. P. Tosee the actor for whom she has such an admiration, he heard her recitesomething and said she had real dramatic talent; he would be willingto train her for the stage, but only with her parents' consent. But ofcourse they will never give it. She writes that this has made her _sonervous_ she feels like crying or raving all day long, in fact she can'tstand so dismal a life any longer. _I_ am her last hope. She would likeme to come to stay with them, or still better if she could come and staywith us for two or 3 weeks, then she would tell Mother about everything, and perhaps it might be possible to arrange for her to live with us inVienna for a year; in the autumn Herr G. , the actor, is coming to theRaimund Theatre and she could begin her training there. At the end ofher letter she says that it rests with my discretion and my tact to makeher the happiest creature in the world! I don't really know what Ishall be able to do. Still, I've made a beginning; I said I found itso frightfully dull--if only Hella were here, or at least Ada, oreven Marina. Then Mother said: But Marina is away in the country, inCarinthia, and it's not likely that Ada will be able to come. Father, too, is awfully sorry that I find it so dull, and so at supper he said:Would you really like Ada to come here? Certainly her age makes her abetter companion for you than Dora. You seemed to get on better togetherlast year. And then he said to Mother: Do you think it would bother you, Berta, to have Ada here? and Mother said, "Not a bit; if Gretel wouldlike it; it's really her turn now, Dora came with me to Franzensbad, Oswald is having his walking tour, and only our little pet has not hadanything for herself; would you like it Gretel?" "Oh yes, Mother, Ishould like it awfully, I'll write directly; it's no fun to me to carryabout that little brat the way Dora does, and jolly as the Bad Boy'sDiary is I can't read it all day. " So I am writing to Ada directly, just as if _I_ had thought of it and wanted her to come. I shall be sofrightfully happy if it all comes off and if Ada really becomes a greatactress, like Wolter whom Mother is always talking of, then I shallhave done something towards helping Vienna to have a great actress andtowards making Ada the happiest creature in the world instead of theunhappiest. 

August 2nd. In my letter I did not say anything to Ada about our havingbeen ennobled, or as Dora says _re-ennobled_, since the family has beennoble for generations; she will find out about it soon enough when shecomes here. Mother keeps on saying: Don't put on such airs, especiallyabout a thing which we have not done anything particular to deserve. Butthat's not quite fair, for unless Father had done such splendid servicein connection with the laws or the constitution or something two yearsago, sometimes sitting up writing all night, perhaps he would neverhave been re-ennobled. Besides, I really can't see why Father and Mothershould have made such a secret about it last winter. They might justas well have let us know. But I suppose Father wanted to give us a realsurprise. And he did too; Dora's face and the way Oswald cleared histhroat!! As far as I can make out no one seems to have noticed what sortof a face I was making. 

August 3rd. I've found out now why Dora is so different, that is why sheis again just as she was some time ago, before last winter. During the4 weeks in Fr. She has _found a real friend in Mother!_ To-day I turnedthe conversation to Viktor, and all she said at first was: Oh, I don'tcorrespond with him any more. And when I asked: "Have you had a quarrel, and whose fault was it?" she said: "Oh, no, I just _bade him farewell_. ""What do you mean, bade him farewell; but he's not really going toAmerica, is he?" And then she said: "My dear _Rita_, we had better clearthis matter up; I parted from him upon the well-justified wish of our_dear Mother_. " I must say that though I'm _awfully, awfully_ fond ofMother, I really can't imagine having her as a _friend_. How can onehave a true friendship with one's own mother? Dora really can't have theleast idea _what_ a _true friendship_ means. There are some things it'simpossible for a girl to speak about to her mother, I could not possiblyask her: Do you know what, _something has happened_, really means?Besides, I'm not quite sure if she does know, for when she was 13 or 15or 16, people may have used quite different expressions, and the modernphrases very likely did not then mean what they mean now. And what sortof a friendship is it when Mother says to Dora: You must not go out now, the storm may break at any moment, and just the other evening: Dora you_must_ take your shawl with you. Friendship between mother and daughteris just as impossible as friendship between father and son. For betweenfriends there can be no orders and forbiddings, and what's even moreimportant is that one really can't talk about all the things that onewould like to talk of. All I said last night was: "Of course Mother hasforbidden you to talk to me about _certain things_; do you call thata friendship?" Then she said very gently: "No, Rita, Mother has notforbidden me, but I recognise now that it was thoughtless of me to talkto you about those things; one learns the seriousness of life quite soonenough. " I burst out laughing and said: "Is _that_ what you call theseriousness of life? Have you really forgotten how screamingly funny wefound it all? It seemed to me that your memory has been affected by themud baths. " She did not answer that. I do hope Ada will come. For _I_need _her_ now just as much as _she_ needs _me_. 

August 4th. Glory be to God, Ada's coming, but not directly because theybegin their family washing on the 5th and no one can be spared to comeover with her till the 8th. I am so glad, the only thing I'm sorry aboutis that _she_ will sleep in the dressing-room and not Dora. But Mothersays that Dora and I must stay together and that Ada can leave the doorinto the dining-room open so that she won't feel lonely. 

August 7th. The days are so frightfully long. Dora is as mild andgentle as a nun, but she talks to me just as little as a nun, and she'seternally with Mother. The two dachshunds have been sold to some one inNeulengbach and so it is so horribly dull. Thank goodness Ada is comingto-morrow. Father and I are going to meet her at the station at 6. 

August 8th. Only time for a word or two. Ada is more than a head tallerthan I am; Father said: "Hullo you longshanks, how you have shot up. Isuppose I must treat you as a grown-up young lady now? And Ada said:Please, Herr Oberlandesgerichtsrat; please treat me just as you used to;I am so happy to have come to stay with you. " And her mother said: "Yes, unfortunately she is happy anywhere but at home; _that is the way withyoung people to-day_. " Father helped Ada out and said: "Frau Haslinger, the sap of life was rising in us once, but it's so long ago that we haveforgotten. " And then Frau Dr. H. Heaved a tremendous sigh as if she weresuffocating, and Ada took me by the arm and said under her breath: "Canyou imagine what my life is like _now_? Her mother is staying the nighthere, and she spent the whole evening lamenting about everything underthe sun" (that's what Ada told me just before we went to bed); but I didnot pay much attention to what Frau H. Was doing, for I'm positivelyburning with curiosity as to what Ada is going to talk to me about. To-morrow morning, directly after breakfast!

August 12th. For 3 days I've had no time to write, Ada and I have hadsuch a lot to say to one another. She _can't_ and _won't_ live anylonger without art, she would _rather die than give up her plans_. Shestill has to spend a year at a continuation school and must then eithertake the French course for the state examination or else the needlecraftcourse. But she wants to do all this in Vienna, so that in her sparetime she can study for the stage under Herr G. She says she is not inlove with him any longer, that he is only a _means to an end_. She wouldsacrifice _anything_ to reach her goal. At first I did not understandwhat she meant by anything, but she explained to me. She has readBartsch's novel Elisabeth Kott, the book Mother has too, and a lot ofother novels about artistic life, and they all say the same thing, that_a woman cannot become a true artist until she has experienced a greatlove_. There may be something in it. For certainly a _great love_ doesmake one _different_; I saw that clearly in Dora; when she was madly inlove with Viktor, and the way she's relapsed now!! She is learning Latinagain, to make up for lost time! Ada does not speak to her about herplans because Dora _lacks true insight!_ Only to-day she mentionedbefore Dora that whatever happened she wanted to come to Vienna in theautumn so that she could often go to the theatre. And Dora said: You aremaking a mistake, even people who live in Vienna don't go to the theatreoften; for first of all one has very little time to spare, and secondlyone often can't get a seat; people who live in the country often fancythat everything is much nicer in Vienna than it really is. 

August 14th. Just a word, quickly. To-day when Ada was having a bathMother said to _us two_: "Girls, I've something to tell you; I don'twant you to get a fright in the night. Ada's mother told me that Ada isvery nervous, and often walks in her sleep. " "I say, " said I, "that'sfrightfully interesting, she must be _moonstruck_; I suppose it alwayshappens when the moon is full. " Then Mother said: "Tell me, Gretel, howdo you know about all these things? Has Ada talked to you about them?""No, " said I, "but the Frankes had a maid who walked in her sleep andBerta Franke told Hella and me about it. " It has just struck me thatMother said: how do you know about all _these_ things? So it must havesomething to do with _that_. I wonder whether I dare ask Ada, or whethershe would be offended. I'm frightfully curious to see whether she willwalk in her sleep while she is staying here. 

August 15th. Hella's answer came to-day to what I had written her aboutthe _friendship_ between Mother and Dora. Of course she does not believeeither that _that_ is why Dora _bade farewell_ to Viktor, for it is noreason at all. Lizzi has never had any particular friendship with hermother, and Hella could never dream of anything of the sort; she thinksI'm perfectly right, one may be _awfully_ fond of one's parents, butthere simply can't be any question of a friendship. She would not standit if I were so changeable in my friendships. She thinks Dora can neverhave had a true friendship, and that is why she has taken up with Mothernow. The Bruckners are coming back on the 19th because everything is sofrightfully expensive in Gastein. After that most likely they will go tostay with their uncle in Hungary, or else to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol. ForHella's name day I have sent her A Bad Boy's Diary because she wantedto read it again. Now we have both got it, and can write to one anotherwhich are the best bits so that we can read them at the same time. 

August 20th. _Last night Ada really did walk in her sleep_, probablywe should never have noticed it, but she began to recite Joan of Arc'sspeech from The Maid of Orleans, and Dora recognised it at once andsaid: "I say, _Rita_, Ada really is walking in her sleep. " We did notstir, and she went into the dining-room, but the dining-room door waslocked and the key taken away, for it opens directly into the passage, and then she knocked up against Mother's sofa and that woke her up. Itwas horrible. And then she lost her way and came into our room insteadof going into her own; but she was already awake and begged our pardonand said she'd been looking for the W. Then she went back to her ownroom. Dora said we had better pretend that we had not noticed it, forotherwise we should upset Ada. Not a bit of it, after breakfast shesaid: "I suppose I gave you an awful fright last night; don't be vexedwith me, I often get up and walk about at night, I simply can't stay inbed. Mother says I always recite when I am walking like that; do I? DidI say anything?" "Yes, " I said, "you recited Joan of Arc's speech. " "DidI really, " said she, "that is because they won't let me go on the stage;I'm certain I shall go off my head; if I do, you will know the realreason at any rate. " This sleep-walking is certainly very interesting, but it makes me feel a little creepy towards Ada, and it's perfectlytrue what Dora has always said: One never knows what Ada is reallylooking at. It would be awful if she were really to go off her head. I've just remembered that her mother was once in an asylum. I do hopeshe won't go mad while she is staying here. 

August 21st. Mother heard it too the night before last. She is so gladthat she had warned us, and Dora says that if she had not known itbeforehand she would probably have had an attack of palpitation. Fathersaid: "Ada is thoroughly histerical, she has inherited it from hermother. " In the autumn Lizzi is going to England to finish her educationand will stay there a whole year. Fond as I am of Ada and sorry as I amfor her, she makes me feel uneasy now, and I'm really glad that she'sgoing home again on Tuesday. She told me something terrible to-day:Alexander, he is the actor, has _venereal disease_, because he wasonce an officer in the army; she says that all officers have venerealdisease, as a matter of course. At first I did not want to show that Idid not understand exactly what she meant, but then I asked her andAda told me that what was really amiss was that _that_ part of the bodyeither gets continually smaller and smaller and is quite eaten away, orelse gets continually larger because it is so frightfully swollen; thelast kind is much better than the other, for then an operation canhelp; a retired colonel who lives in H. Was operated upon in Vienna for_this_; but it did not cure him. There is only one real cure for a manwith a venereal disease, that a young girl should _give herself_ to aman suffering from it! (Mad. Often said that too), then she gets thedisease and he is cured. That made Ada understand that she did notreally love A. , but only wanted him to train her; for she could neverhave done that for him, and she did not know how she could propose_that_ to him even _if_ she had been willing to. Besides, it isgenerally the man concerned who asks it of the girl. And when I said:"But just imagine, what would you do if you got a baby that way, " andshe said: "That does not come into the question, for when a man hasvenereal disease it is _impossible_ to have a child by him. But afterall, only a woman who has had a baby can become a true artist. " Franke, who has a cousin on the stage said something of the same sort to Hellaand me; but we thought, Franke's cousin is only in the Wiener Theatre, and that might be true there; but it may be quite different in the BurgTheatre and in the Opera and even in the People's Theatre. I told Adaabout this, and she said: Oh, well, I'm only a girl from the provinces, but I have known for ages that _every_ actress has a child. 

23rd. Ada really is a born artist, to-day she read us a passage from asplendid novel, but oh, how wonderfully, even Dora said: "Ada, you arereally phenominal!" Then she flung the book away and wept and sobbedfrightfully and said: "My parents are sinning against their own fleshand blood; but they will rue it. Do you remember what the old gypsywoman foretold of me last year: 'A _great_ but _short_ career aftermany difficult struggles; and my line of life is broken!' That willall happen as predicted, and my mother can recite that lovely poem ofFreiligrath's or Anastasius Grun's, or whosever it is 'Love as longas thou canst, love as long as thou mayst. The hour draws on, the hourdraws on, when thou shalt stand beside the grave and make thy moan. '"Then Ada recited the whole poem, and when I went to bed I kept onthinking of it and could not go to sleep. 

August 24th. To-day I ventured to ask Ada about the sleep-walking, andshe said that it was really so, when she walked in her sleep it wasalways at _that time_ and when the moon is full. The first time, it waslast year, she did it on purpose in order to frighten her mother, whenher mother had first told her she would not be allowed to go on thestage. It does not seem to me a very clever idea, or that she is likelyto gain anything by it. The day after to-morrow someone is coming tofetch her home, and for that reason she was crying all the morning. 

August 25th. Hella was here to-day with her mother and Lizzi. Hella hada splendid time in Gastein. She wanted to have a private talk with me, to tell me something important. That made it rather inconvenient thatAda was still there. Hella never gets on with Ada, and she says too thatone never really knows what she is looking at, she always looks rightthrough one. We could not get a _single minute_ alone together for atalk. I do hope Hella will be able to come over once more before shegoes to Hungary. Last week they went to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol because anold friend of her mother's from Berlin is staying there. 

August 26th. Ada went home to-day, her father came to fetch her. He saysshe has a screw loose, because she wants to go on the stage. 

August 28th. Hella came over to-day; she was alone and I met her atthe steam tram. At first she did not want to tell me what the importantthing was because it was _not flattering_ to me, but at last she gotit out. The Warths were in Gastein, and since Hella knows Lisel becausethey used to go to gym. Together, they had a talk, and that cheekyRobert said: Is your friend still such a baby as she was that time iner . . . Er . . . , and then he pretended he could not remember where itwas; and he spoke of _that time_ as if it had been 10 years ago. But themost impudent thing of all was this; he said that I had not wanted tocall him Bob, because that always made me think of a certain part ofthe body; I never said anything of the kind, but only that I thoughtBob silly and vulgar, and then he said (it was before we got intimate):"Indeed, Fraulein Grete, I really prefer that you should use my fullname. " I remember it as well as if it had happened this morning, and Iknow exactly where he said it, on the way to the Red Cross. Hella tookhim up sharply: That may be all quite true, we have never discussedsuch trifles, and, at that time we were "all, _every one of us_, stillnothing but children. " Of course she meant to include ----. I won't evenwrite his name. Another thing that made me frightfully angry is that hesaid: I dare say your friend is more like you now, but at that time shewas still quite undeveloped. Hella answered him curtly: "That's not thesort of phrase that it's seemly to use to a young lady, " and she wouldnot speak to him any more. I never heard of such a thing, what businessis it of his whether I am _developed_ or not! Hella thinks that I wasnot quite particular enough in my choice of companions. She says thatBob is still nothing but a Bub [young cub]. That suits him perfectly, Bob--Bub; now we shall never call him anything but Bub; that is if weever speak of him at all. When we don't like some one we shall call himsimply Bob, or better still B. , for we really find it disagreeable tosay Bob. 

August 31st. The holidays are so dull this year, Hella has gone toHungary, and I hardly ever talk to Dora, at least about anything_interesting_. Ada's letters are full of nothing but my promises aboutVienna. It's really too absurd, I never promised anything, I merely saidI would speak to Mother about it when I had a chance. I have done soalready, but Mother said: There can be no question of anything of thekind. 

September 1st. Hullo, Hurrah! To-morrow Hella's father is going to takeme to K-- M--in Hungary to stay with Hella. I am so awfully delighted. Hella is an angel. When she was ill last Christmas her father said: Shecan ask for anything she likes. But she did not think of anything inparticular, and had her Christmas wishes anyhow, so she saved up thiswish. And after she had been here she wrote to her father in Cracow, where he is at manoeuvres, saying that if he would like to grant her herchief wish, then, when he came back to Vienna, he was to take me withhim to K-- M--; this was really the _greatest wish_ she had ever hadin her life! So Colonel Bruckner called at Father's office to-day andshowed him Hella's letter. To-morrow at 3 I must be at the State Railwayterminus. Unfortunately that's a horrid railway. The Western Railway ismuch nicer, and I like the Southern Railway better still. 

September 2nd. I am awfully excited; I'm going to Vienna alone and Ihave to change at Liesing, I do hope I shall get into the right train. I got a letter from Hella first thing this morning, in which she wrote:"Perhaps we shall be together again in a few days. " That's all she saidabout that; I suppose she did not know yet whether I was really coming. Mother will have to send my white blouses after me, because all but oneare dirty. I'm going to wear my coat and skirt and the pink blouse. I'mgoing to take twenty pages for my diary, that will be enough; for I'mgoing to write whatever happens, in the mornings I expect, because inthe holidays I'm sure Hella will never get up before 9; on Sundays inVienna she would always like to lie in bed late, but her father won'tlet her. 

But whatever happens I won't learn to ride, for it must be awful totumble off before a strange man. It was different for Hella, for Jeno, Lajos, and Erno are her cousins, and one of them always rode closebeside her with his arm round her waist: but that would not quite do inmy case. 

September 6th. Oh it is so glorious here. I like Jeno best, he goesabout with me everywhere and shows me everything; Hella is fondest ofLajos and of Erno next. But Erno has still a great deal to learn, forhe was nearly flunked in his exam. Next year Lajos will be a lieutenant, and this autumn Jeno is going to the military academy, Erno has a slightlimp, nothing bad, but he can't go into the army; he is going to be acivil engineer, not here, he is to go to America some day. 

I have time to write to-day, for all 4 of them have gone to S. On theircycles and I have never learned. 

It was lovely on the journey! It's so splendid to travel with anofficer, and still more when he is a colonel. All the stationmasterssaluted him and the guards could not do enough to show their respect. Ofcourse everyone thought I was his daughter, for he has always said "Du"to me since I was quite a little girl. But to Ada Father always says"Sie. " We left the train at Forgacs or Farkas, or whatever it is called, and Hella's father hired a carriage and it took us 2 hours to drive toK-- M--. He was awfully jolly. We had our supper in F. , though it wasonly half past 6. It was a joke to see all the waiters tumbling overeach other to serve him. It s just the same with Father, except that thestationmasters don't all salute. Father looks frightfully distinguishedtoo, but he is not in uniform. 

Here is something awfully interesting: Herr von Kraics came yesterdayfrom Radufalva, his best friend left him the Radufalva estate out ofgratitude, because 8 years ago he gave up his fiancee with whom thefriend was in love. It's true, Colonel Bruckner says that K. Is awretched milksop; but I don't think so at all; he has such fiery eyes, and looks a real Hungarian nobleman. Hella says that he used to runhimself frantically into debt, because every six months he had an_intimacy_ with some new woman; and all the presents he gave _reducedhim almost to beggary_. Still, it's difficult to believe that, forhowever fond a woman may be of flowers and sweets, one does not quitesee why that should reduce anyone to beggary. Before we went to sleeplast night Hella told me that Lajos had already been "infected" more orless; she says there is not an officer who has not got venereal diseaseand that is really what makes them so frightfully interesting. Then Itold her what Ada had told me about the actor in St. P. But Hella said:I doubt if that's all true; of course it is more likely since he wasan actor, and especially since he was in the army at one time, butgenerally speaking civilians are _wonderfully_ healthy!!! And she couldnot stand that in her husband. Every officer has _lived_ frantically;that's a polite phrase for having had venereal disease, and she wouldnever marry a man who had not _lived_. Most girls, especially whenthey get a little older; want the very opposite! and then it suddenlyoccurred to me that _that_ was probably the _real_ reason why Dora _badefarewell_ to _Lieutenant R_. , and not the _friendship with Mother_;it is really awfully funny, and no one would have thought it of her. Hella's father thinks me _charming_; he is really awfully nice. Hella'suncle hardly ever says anything, and when he does speak he is difficultto understand; Hella's father says that his sister-in-law wears thebreeches. That would never do for me; the man must be the _master_. "Butnot too much so" says Hella. She always gets cross when her father saysthat about wearing breeches. I got an awful start yesterday; we wentout on the veranda because we heard the boys talking, and found Hella'sgreat uncle lying there on an invalid couch. She told me about him once, that he's quite off his head, not really paralysed but only pretends tobe. Hella is terribly afraid of him, because long ago, when she was only9 or 10 years old, he wanted to give her a thrashing. But her uncle camein, and then he let her go. She says he was only humbugging, but she isawfully afraid of him all the same. He keeps his room, and he has a maleattendant, because no nurse can manage him. He ought really to be in anasylum but there is no high class asylum in Hungary. 

September 9th. There was a frightful rumpus this morning; the greatuncle, the people here call him "kutya mog" or however they spell it, and it means _mad dog_, well, the great uncle _spied in on us_. He canwalk with a stick, our room is on the ground floor, and he came andplanted himself in front of the window when Hella was washing and I wasjust getting out of bed. Then Hella's father came and made a tremendousrow and the uncle swore horribly in Hungarian. Before dinner weoverheard Hella's father say to Aunt Olga: "They would be dainty morselsfor that old swine, those innocent children. " We did laugh so, _we_and _innocent children!!!_ What our fathers really think of us; weinnocent!!! At dinner we did not dare look at one another or we shouldhave exploded. Afterwards Hella said to me: "I say, do you know that wehave the same name day?" And when I said: "What do you mean, it seems tome you must have gone dotty this morning, " she laughed like anythingand said: "Don't you see, December 27th, Holy Innocents' Day!" Oh itdid tickle me. She knew that date although she's a Protestant becauseDecember 27th is Marina's birthday, and in our letters we used to speakof that deceitful cat as "The Innocent. "

The three boys and I have begun to use "Du" to one another, at supperyesterday Hella's father said to Erno: "You seem frightfully ceremoniousstill, can't you make up your minds to drop the 'Sie?'" So we clinkedglasses, and afterwards when Jeno and I were standing at the windowadmiring the moon, he said: "You Margot, that was not a real pledge ofgood-fellowship, we must kiss one another for that; hurry up, beforeanyone comes, " and before I could say No he had given me a kiss. Afterall it was all right as it was Jeno, but it would not have done withLajos, for it would have been horrid because of Hella, or Ilonka as theycall her here. 

Hella has just told me that they saw us kissing one another, and Lajossaid: "Look Ilonka, they are setting us a good example. " We are soawfully happy here. It's such a pity that on the 16th Jeno and Lajoshave got to leave for the Academy, where Jeno is to enter and Lajos isin his third year: Erno, the least interesting of the three, is stayingtill October. But that is always the way of life, beautiful things passand the dull ones remain. We go out boating every day, yesterday andto-day by moonlight. The boys make the boat rock so frightfully that weare always terrified that it will upset. And then they say: "You haveyour fate in your own hands; buy your freedom and you will be as safe asin Abraham's bosom. "

September 12th. The great uncle _hates us_ since what happened the otherday; whenever he sees us he threatens us with his stick, and though weare not really afraid, because he can't do anything to us, still it'srather creepy. One thinks of all sorts of things, stories and sagas onehas read. That is the only thing I don't quite like here. But we areleaving on the 18th. Of course Lajos and Jeno will often come to seethe Bruckners; I'm awfully glad. I don't know why, I always fancied thatthey could only speak Magyar; but that is not so at all, though theyalways speak it at home when they are alone. Hella told me to-day forthe first time that all the flowers on the table by her bed one Sundayin hospital had been sent by Lajos; and she did not wish to tell me atthat time because he wished her to keep it a secret. This has made merather angry, for I see that I have been much franker with her than shehas been with me. 

September 16th. The boys left to-day, and we stayed up till midnightlast night. We had been to N-- K--, I don't know how to spell theseHungarian names, and we did not get back till half past 11. It waslovely. But it seems all the sadder to-day, especially as it is rainingas well. It's the first time it's rained since I came. Partings arehorrid, especially for the ones left behind; the others are going to newscenes anyhow. But for the people left behind everything is hatefullydull and quiet. In the afternoon Hella and I went into Jeno's and Lajos'room, it had not been tidied up yet and was in a frightful mess. ThenHella suddenly began sobbing violently, and she flung herself on Lajos'bed and kissed the pillow. _That_ is how she loves him! I'm sure _that_is the way Mad. Loves the lieutenant, but Dora is simply incapable of_such_ love, and then she can talk of her _true and intimate friendshipwith Mother_. Hella says she has always been in love with Lajos, butthat _her eyes were first opened_ when she saw Jeno and me goingabout together and talking to one another. Now she will love Lajos forevermore. Next year they will probably get engaged, she can't be engagedtill she is 14 for her parents would not allow it. It is for her sakethat he is going into the Hussars because she likes the Hussars best. They all _live frightfully hard_, and are tremendously smart. 

September 21st. Since Saturday we have been back In Vienna, and Father, Mother, and Dora came back from Rodaun on Thursday. Dora really is toofunny; since Ada stayed with us and walked in her sleep Dora is afraidshe has been _infected_. She does not seem to know what the word reallymeans! And while I was away she slept with Mother, and Father slept inour room, because she was afraid to sleep alone. Of course no one takesto walking in their sleep simply from sleeping alone, but that was onlya pretext; Dora has never been very courageous, in fact she is rathera coward, and she was simply afraid to sleep alone. If Father had beenafraid too, I suppose I should have had to come back post-haste, andif I had been afraid to travel alone, and there had been no one to comewith me, that would have been a pretty state of affairs. I told them so. Father laughed like anything at my "_combinations_, " and Dora got in afrightful wax. She is just as stupid and conceited as she was _before_she fell in love. So Hella is right when she says: Love enobles[veredelt]. Erno made a rotten joke about that when he heard Hella sayit once. He said: "You've made a slip of the tongue, you meant to say:Love makes fools of people [vereselt]. " Of course that's because he's notin love with anyone. 

September 22nd. School began again to-day. Frau Doktor M. Is perfectlyfascinating, she looks splendid and she said the same to both of us. Thank goodness she's the head of our class again. In French we have anew mistress Frau Doktor Dunker, she is perfectly hideous, covered withpimples, a thing I simply can't stand in any one; Hella says we must becareful never to let her handle our books; if she does we might catchthem. In Maths and Physics we have another new mistress, she is a Doktortoo, and she speaks so fast that none of us can understand her; butshe looks frightfully clever, although she is very small. We call her"_Nutling_" because she has such a tiny little head and such lovelylight-brown eyes. Otherwise the staff is the same as last year, andthere are a few new girls and some have left, but only ones we did notknow intimately. This is Franke's last year at the Lyz. , she will be16 in April and has a splendid figure. Her worst enemy must admit that. Dora is having English lessons from the matron, and she is _awfullypleased_ about it, for she is one of her favourites and it will help hertoo in her matriculation. 

September 25th. Yesterday and the day before Mother was so ill that thedoctor had to be sent for at half past 10 at night. Thank goodness sheis better now. But on such days I simply can't write a word in my diary;I feel as if I oughtn't to. And the days seem everlasting, for nobodytalks much, and it's awful at mealtimes. Mother was up again to-day, lying on the sofa. 

September 29th. I've had such an awful toothache since the day beforeyesterday. Dora says it's only an ache for a gold filling like FrauDoktor M. 's. Of course that's absurd; for first of all, surely I oughtto know whether my own tooth hurts or not, and secondly the dentist saysthat the tooth really is decayed. I have to go every other day andI can't say I enjoy it. At the same time, this year we have such afrightful lot to learn at school. The Nutling is really very nice, ifone could only understand better what she says, but she talks at such arate that in the Fifth, where she teaches too, they call her Waterfall. Nobody has ever given Frau Doktor M. A nickname, not even an endearingone. The only one that could possibly be given to her is Angel, and thatcould not be a real name, it's quite unmeaning. In the drawing class weare going to draw from still life, and, best of all, animal studies too, I am so delighted. 

October 4th. Goodness, to-day when we were coming home from the ImperialFestival, we met Viktor in M. Street, but unfortunately he did not seeus. He was in full-dress uniform and was walking with 3 other officerswhom neither I nor Hella know. We were frightfully angry because hedid not recognise us; Hella thinks it can only be because we were bothwearing our big new autumn hats, which shade our faces very much. 

October 11th. There was a frightful row in the drawing lesson to-day. Borovsky had written a note to one of her friends: "The little Jewess, F. (that means the Nutling) is newly imported from Scandalavia with herhorsehair pate with or without inhabitants. " Something of that sortwas what she had written and as she was throwing it across to Fellner, Fraulein Scholl turned round at that very moment and seized the note. "Who is F. ?", she asked, but no one answered. That made her furious andshe put the note in her pocket. At 1 o'clock, when the lesson was over, Borovsky went up to her and asked her for the note. Then she asked oncemore: "Who is F. ?" And Fellner, thinking I suppose that she would helpBorovsky out, said: "She forgot to write Frau Doktor Fuchs. " Then therow began. I can't write it all down, it would take too long; of courseBorovsky will be expelled. She cried like anything and begged andprayed, and said she did not mean it, but Fraulein Scholl says she isgoing to give the letter to the head. 

October 12th. Continuation; the head is laid up with a chill, so Frl. Scholl gave the note to Frau Doktor M. ; that was both good and bad. Goodbecause Borovsky will perhaps be able to stay after all, and bad becauseFrau Doktor M. Was frightfully angry. She gave us a fine lecture aboutTrue Good Manners, simply splendid. I was so glad that I was not mixedup in the business, for she did give Borovsky and Fellner a rating. It'sprobably true, then, that her own fiance is a Jew. Its horrible that_she_ above all should be going to have a cruel husband; at least if allthat Resi told us is true; and I expect there is some truth in it. Weare frightfully curious to know whether the Nutling has heard anythingabout it and if so what she will do. 

October 13th. I don't think the Nutling can have heard anything for sheseemed just as usual; but Hella thinks and so do I that she would notshow anything even if Frl. Scholl had told her; anyhow it was horridlyvulgar; one is not likely to pass it on to the person concerned. Why wethink she does not know anything is that neither Borovsky nor Fellnerwere called up. 

October 14th. To-day the needlewoman brought Dora's handkerchiefswith her monogram and the coronet, lovely; I want some like them forChristmas. And for Mother she has embroidered six pillow-cases, these have a coronet too; by degrees we shall have the coronet uponeverything. By the way, here is something I'd forgotten to write: In oneof the first days of term Father gave each of us one of his new visitingcards with the new title, I was to give mine to Frau Doktor M. And Dorahers to Frau Prof. Kreidl, to have the names properly entered in theclass lists. Frau Prof. Kreidl did not say anything, but Frau Doktor M. Was awfully sweet. She said: "Well, Lainer, I suppose you are greatlypleased at this rise in rank?" And I said: "Oh yes, I'm awfullydelighted, but only inside, " then she said: That's right; "Religion, name, and money do not make the man. " Was not that charming! I write thev before my name awfully small; but anyone who knows can see it. What ashame that she is not noble! _She_ would be worthy of it!!

October 15th. Oswald has gone to Leoben to-day, he is to study mining, but _against_ Father's will. But Father says that no one must be forcedinto a profession, for if he is he will always say throughout life thathe only became this or that on compulsion. The other evening Dora saidthat Oswald had only chosen mining in order to get away from home; if hewere to study law or agricultural chemistry he could not get away fromVienna, and that is the chief thing to him. Besides, he is a bit of ahumbug; for when he came home from Graz after matriculation he said inso many words: "How delightful to have one's legs under one's own tableagain and to breathe the _family atmosphere_. " Dora promptly said tohim: "Hm, you don't seem to care so very much about home, for alwayswhen you come home for the holidays the first thing you do is to makeplans for getting away. " For she is annoyed too that Oswald cantravel about wherever he likes. And yet he goes on talking about being"_subjected to intolerable supervision"!!_ What about us? He can stayout until 10 at night and _never_ comes to afternoon tea, and in factdoes just what he likes. If I go to supper with Hella and am just everso little late, there's a fine row. As for the lectures poor Dora hadto endure when Viktor was waiting for her, I shall never forget them. Of course she denies it all now, but I was present at some of them soI know; otherwise he would not have called me "the Guardian Angel. " Shebehaves now as if she had forgotten all about that, so I often remindher of it on purpose when we are alone together. The other day she said:"I do beg you, Grete (not Rita), don't speak any more of that matter; Ihave buried the affair for ever. " And when I said: "Buried, what do youmean? A true love can't simply be _buried_ like that, " she said: "It wasnot a true love, and that's all there is to say about it. "

October 16th. I had a frantically anxious time in the arithmetic lessonto-day. All of a sudden Hella flushed dark red and I thought to myself:Aha, that's it! And I wrote to her on my black-line paper: Has itbegun??? for we had agreed that she would tell me directly, she will be14 in February and _it_ will certainly begin soon. Frau Doktor F. Said:Lainer, what was that you pushed over to Br. ? and she came up tothe desk and took the black-line paper. "What does that mean: Has itbegun???" Perhaps she really did not know what I meant, but several ofthe girls who knew about it too laughed, and I was in a terrible fright. But Hella was simply splendid. "Excuse me, Frau Doktor, Rita askedwhether the frost had begun yet. " "And that's the way you spend yourtime in the mathematics lesson?" But thank goodness that made things allright. Only in the interval Hella said that really I am inconceivablystupid sometimes. What on earth did I want to write a thing like thatfor? _When_ it begins, _of course_ she will let me know directly. As amatter of fact it has _not_ begun yet. We have agreed now that it willbe better to say "Endt, " a sort of portmanteau word of _developed_[entwickelt] and _at last_ [endlich] . That will really be splendidand Hella says that I happened upon it in a lucid interval. It's reallyrather cheeky of her, but after all one can forgive anything to one'sfriend. She absolutely insists that I must never again put her in sucha fix in class. Of course it happened because I am always thinking: Nowthen, this is the day. 

November 8th. On Father's and Dora's birthday Mother was so ill thatwe did not keep it at all. I was in a terrible fright that Mother wasseriously ill, or even that -- -- -- -- -- No, I won't even think it;one simply must not write it down even if one is not superstitious. AuntDora came last week to keep house for Mother. We are not going skating, for we are always afraid that Mother might get worse just when we areaway. As soon as she is able to get up for long enough Father is goingto take her to see a specialist in the _diseases of women_; so it mustbe true that Mother's illness comes from _that_. 

November 16th. Oh it's horrible, Mother has to have an operation; I'm somiserable that I can't write. 

November 19th. Mother is so good and dear; she wants us to go skating totake our thoughts off the operation. But Dora says too that it would bebrutal to go skating when Mother is going to have an operation in a fewdays. Father said to us yesterday evening: "Pull yourselves togetherchildren, set your teeth and don't make things harder for your poorMother. " But I can't help it, I cry whenever I look at Mother. 

November 23rd. It is so dismal at home since Mother went away; we hadto go to school and we believed she would not leave until the afternoon, but the carriage came in the morning. Dora says that Father had arrangedall that because I could not control myself. Well, who could? Dora criesall day; and at school I cried a lot and so did Hella. 

November 28th. Thank goodness, it's all safely over, Mother will behome again in a fortnight. I'm so happy and only now can I realise how_horribly_ anxious I have been. We go every day to see Mother at thehospital; I wish I could go alone, but we always go all together, thatis either with Father or with Aunt Dora. But I suspect that Dora doesgo to see Mother quite alone, she gave herself away to-day about theflowers, she behaves as if Mother were only _her_ mother. On Thursday, the first time we saw Mother, we all whispered, and Mother cried, although the operation had made her quite well again. Unfortunatelyyesterday, Aunt Alma was there when we were, and Father said that seeingso many people at once was too exciting for Mother, and we must go away. Of course he really meant that Aunt Alma and Marina had better go away, but Aunt did not understand or would not. Why on earth did Aunt come?We hardly ever meet since the trouble about Marina and that jackanapesErwin; only when there is a family party; Oswald says it's not a familygathering but a family dispersal because nearly always some one takesoffence. 

November 30th. To-day I managed to be _alone_ with Mother. At school Isaid I had an awfully bad headache and asked if I might go home beforethe French lesson; I really had. What I told Mother was that Frau DoktorDunker was ill, so we had no lesson. Really one ought not to tell liesto an invalid, but this was a _pious fraud_ as Hella's mother alwayscalls anything of the sort, and no one will find out, because FrauDoktor Dunker has nothing to do with the Fourth, so Dora won't hearanything about it. Mother said she was _awfully pleased_ to be able tosee _me_ alone for once. That absolutely proves that Dora does go alone. Mother was so sweet, and Sister Klara said she was a perfect angel ingoodness and patience. Then I burst out crying and Mother had to sootheme. At first, after I got home, I did not want to say anything about it, but when we were putting on our things after dinner to go and see MotherI said en passant as it were: "This is the second time I shall be seeingMother to-day. " And when Dora said: What do you mean? I said quitecurtly: "One of our lessons did not come off, and so I took the chance_too_ of being able to see Mother _alone_. " Then she said: Did theporter let you in without any trouble? It surprises me very much thatsuch _very_ young girls, who are almost children still, are allowed togo in alone. Luckily Aunt came in at that moment and said: "Oh well, nobody thinks Gretl quite a child now, and _both of you_ can go alone tothe hospital all right. " On the way we did not speak to one another. 

December 5th. For St. Nicholas day we took Mother a big flower pot, andtied to the stick was a label on which Father had written; "Being illis punishable as an unpermissible offence in the sense of Section 7 theMothers' and Housewives' Act. " Mother was frightfully amused. The doctorsays she is going on nicely, and that she will be able to come home in afew days. 

December 6th. It was awful to-day. In the evening when we were leavingthe dining-room Father said: "Gretl you have forgotten something. " Andwhen I came back he took me by the hand and said: "Why didn't you tellme that you want so much to see Mother _alone_? You need not make sucha secret of it. " And then I burst out crying and said: "Yes, I need notkeep it secret from you, but I don't like Dora to know all about it. Did she tell you what happened the other day?" But Father does not knowanything about my pretended headache, but only that I wanted so much tosee Mother alone. He was awfully kind and kissed and petted me, saying:"You are a dear little thing, little witch, I hope you always will be. "But I got away as quick as I could, for I felt so ashamed because of myfibbing. If it were not for Dora I'm sure I should never tell any lies. 

December 6th. Father is an angel. He and I went to see Mother in themorning, and Aunt and Dora went in the afternoon. And since Father hadto go into the Cafe where he had an appointment with a friend, I went onalone to see Mother and he came in afterwards. Mother asked me about myChristmas wishes; but I told her I had only one wish, that she shouldget well and live for ever. I was awfully glad that Dora was not there, for I could never have got that out before her. Still, she made metell her my wishes after all, so I said I wanted handerkerchiefs with"monogram and coronet, " visiting cards with _von_, a satchel like thatwhich most of the girls in the _higher_ classes have, and the novelElizabeth Kott. But I am not to have the novel, for Mother was horrifiedand said: My darling child, that's not the sort of book for you; who onearth put that into your head; Ada, I suppose? From what I know of yourtastes, it really would not suit you at all. So I had to give that up, but I'm certain I should not find the book stupid. 

December 11th. Mother came home again to-day; we did not know what timeshe was coming, but only that it was to be to-day. And because I wasso glad that Mother is quite well again, I sang two or three songs, andMother said: That is a good omen when one is greeted with a song. Then Dora was annoyed because _she_ had not thought of singing. We haddecorated the whole house with flowers. 

December 15th. I am embroidering a cushion for Mother and Dora ismaking her a footstool so that she can sit quite comfortably when she isreading. For Father we have bought a new brief bag because his own is soshabby that it makes us quite ashamed; but he always says: "It will dofor a good while yet. " For a long time I did not know what to get forAunt Dora, and at length we have decided upon a lace fichu; for she isawfully fond of lace. I am giving Hella a sketch book and a pencil case;she draws beautifully and will perhaps become an artist, for Dora I amgetting a vanity bag and for Oswald a cigarette case with a horse's headon it, for he is frightfully taken up with racing and the turf. 

December 16th. Owing to Mother's illness I've had simply no time towrite anything about the school, although there has been a _greatdeal_ to write about, for example that Prof. W. Is very friendly again, although he no longer gives us lessons, and that most of the girls can'tbear the Nutling because she makes such favourites of the Jewish girls. It's quite true that she does, for example Franke, who is never anygood, will probably get a Praiseworthy in Maths and Physics; and shelets Weinberger do anything she likes. I always get Excellent bothfor school work and prep. ; so it really does not matter to me, butBerbenowitsch is frightfully put out because she is no longer thefavourite as she was with Frau Doktor St. The other day it was quiteunpleasant in the Maths lesson. In the answer to a sum there happenedto be 1-3, and then the Nutling asked what 1-3 would be as a decimalfraction; so we went on talking about recurring [periodic] decimals andevery time she used the word _period_, some of the girls giggled, butluckily some of them were Jews, and she got perfectly savage and simplyscreamed at us. In Frau Doktor St's lesson in the First, some of thegirls giggled at the same thing and she went on just as if she had notnoticed it, but afterwards she always spoke of _periodic places_, andthen one does not think of the real meaning so much. Frau Doktor F. Saidshe should complain to Frau Doktor M. About our unseemly behaviour. But really all the girls had not giggled, for ex. Hella and I simplyexchanged glances and understood one another at once. I can't endurethat idiotic giggling. 

December 20th. Oswald came home to-day; he's fine. It's quite true thathe has really had a moustache for a long time, but was not allowed togrow it at the Gymnasium; in boarding schools the barber comes everySaturday, and they _have_ to be shaved. He always says that at theGymnasium everything manly is simply suppressed. I am so glad I am nota man and need not go to Gymnasium. Anyhow he has a splendid moustachenow. Hella did not recognise him at first and drew back in alarm, sheonly knew him after a moment by his voice. We have reckoned it up, andfind that she has not seen him since the Easter before last. At firsthe called her Fraulein, but her mother said: Don't be silly. It did notseem silly to me, but most polite!!!

December 23rd. Mother is so delighted that Oswald is home again and hereally is awfully nice; he is giving her a wonderful flowers-of-irongroup representing a mountain scene with a forest, and in the foregroundsome roe deer as if in a pasture. 

December 25th. Only time for a few words. Mother was very wellyesterday, and it has not done her any harm to stay up so long. I am sohappy. We both got a tie pin with a sapphire and 3 little diamonds, theyhave been made out of some earrings which Mother never wears now. Butthe nice thing about it is that they are made from her earrings. The satchel and Stifter's Tales are awfully nice and so are thehandkerchiefs with the coronet and everything else. Hella gave me areticule with my monogram and the coronet as well. Oswald has given Doraand me small paperweights and Father a big one, bronze groups. We reallyneed two writing tables, but there is no room for two. So I am goingto arrange the little corner table as my writing table and have all mythings there. 

December 27th. At the Bruckners yesterday it was really awful. Hella'smother is perfectly right; when anyone looks like _that_ she ought notto pay visits when she knows that other people may be there. Hella toldme the day before yesterday how frightfully noticeable it is in hercousin that she is in an i-- c--! Her mother was very much put out onher account and she wanted to prevent Emmy's standing up. We were simplydisgusted and horrified. But her husband is awfully gentle with her; Sheis certainly not pretty and especially the puffiness under her eyes ishorrid. They say that many women look like that when they are pr. Shewas wearing a _maternity dress_, and that gives the whole show away!Hella says that some women look awfully pretty when they are in an i--c--, but that some look hideous. I do hope I shall be one of the firstkind, if I ever . . . No, it is really horrible, even if it makes onepretty; when I think of Frau von Baldner and what she looked like lastsummer, yet Father has always said she is a a perfect beauty. Really noone is pretty in an i-- c--. Soon after tea Hella and I went up to herroom, and she said it had really been too much for her and that shecould not have stood it much longer. And we went on talking about it forsuch a long time, that it really made both of us nearly ill. On SundayEmmy and her husband are coming to dine with the Brs. , and Hella beggedme to ask her to dinner with us, or she would be quite upset. So ofcourse she is coming here and thank goodness that will save her fromfeeling ill. And then she said that I must not think she wanted to cometo us because of Oswald, but only for that _other_ reason. I understandthat perfectly well, and she does not need to make any excuses to me. 

29th. Hella came to dinner to-day, she was wearing a new dress, a lightstrawberry colour, and it suited her admirably. In the evening Oswaldsaid: "two or three years more, and Hella will look ripping. " It doesannoy me so this continual _will_. Hella's father simply said of methat I _was_ charming, , and not that idiotic: I _was going to become_charming. I do hate the way people always talk out into the future. However, Oswald paid Hella a great deal of attention. In the afternoon, when Hella and I were talking about him, I wanted to turn theconversation to Lajos, but she flushed up and said he was utterly false, for since October he had only been to see them once, on a Sunday, justwhen they were going to the theatre. Of course he says he does not carea jot about the visits unless he can see her alone. She can't realisethat that shows the greatness of his love. I understand it perfectly. But it is really monstrous that Jeno has asked after me only once, quitecasually. And he really might have sent me a card at Christmas. Butthat's what young men are like. The proverb really applies to them: Outof sight out of mind. 

December 30th. Frau Richter called to-day, but only in the morning for aquarter of an hour. Not a word was said about Viktor, though I stayed inthe drawing-room on purpose. Dora did not put in an appearance, thoughI'm sure she was at home. He is extraordinarily like his mother, he hasthe same lovely straight nose, and the small mouth and well-cut lips;but he is very tall and she is quite small half a head shorter thanMother. We owe them a call, but I don't much think that we shall go. 

December 31st. I really have no time, since this is New Year's Eve, butI simply _must_ write. Dora and I went skating this morning, and we metViktor on the ice; he went frightfully pale, saluted, and spoke to us;Dora wished to pass on, but he detained her and said that she must allowhim to have a talk, so he came skating with us since she would not go toa confectioner's with him. She was certainly quite right not to go toa confectioner's. Of course I don't know what they talked about, but inthe afternoon Dora cried frightfully, and Viktor never said good-bye tome; it's impossible that he can have forgotten, so either I must havebeen too far away at the time, or else Dora did not want him to; mostlikely the latter. I'm frantically sorry for him, for he is passionatelyin love with her. But she won't come to her senses until it is toolate. I don't think she has said a word to Mother either. But all theafternoon she was playing melancholy music, and that shows how much shehad felt it. 

January 2nd. Yesterday I had no time to write because we had callers, pretty dull for the most part, the Listes and the Trobisches; Julie Tr. Is such a stupid creature, and I don't believe she knows the first thingabout _those matters_; Annie is not quite all there, Lotte is the onlytolerable one. Still, since we played round games for prizes, it was notas dull as it might have been, and Fritz and Rudl are quite nice boys. In the evening Mother was so tired out that Father said he really mustput a stop to all this calling; I can't say I care much myself for_that_ sort of visits, especially since Dora always will talk about_books_. People always talk about such frightfully dull books wheneverthey have nothing else to say. School began again to-day, with a Germanlesson thank goodness. Though I'm not superstitious in general, I mustsay I do like a good beginning. Besides, first thing in the morning wemet two chimneysweeps, and without our having tried to arrange it in anyway they passed us on our _left_. That ought to bring good luck. 

January 5th. Most important, Hella since yesterday evening -- -- -- --!She did not come to school yesterday, for the day before she feltfrightfully bad, and her mother really began to think she was going tohave another attack of appendicitis. Instead of that!!! She looks so illand interesting, I spent the whole afternoon and evening with her; andat first she did not want to tell me what was the matter. But when Isaid I should go away if she did not tell me, she said: "All right, butyou must not make such idiotic faces, and above all you must not lookat me. " "Very well, " I said, "I won't look, but tell me everything aboutit. " So then she told me that she had felt frantically bad, as if shewas being cut in two, much worse than after the appendicitis operation, and then she had frantically high fever and shivered at the same time, all Friday, and yesterday -- -- -- tableau!! And then her mother toldher the chief things, though she knew them already. Earlier on Fridaythe doctor had said: "Don't let us be in a hurry to think about arelapse, there may be _other!!_ causes. " And then he whispered to hermother, but Hella caught the word _enlighten_. Then she knew directlywhat time of day it was. She acted the innocent to her mother, as if sheknew nothing at all, and her mother kissed her and said, now you are nota child any more, now you belong among the grown-ups. How absurd, so_I_ am still a child! After all, on July 30th I shall be 14 too, and atleast one month before I shall have it too, so I shan't be a _child_ formore than six months more. Hella and I laughed frightfully, but she isreally a little puffed up about it; she won't admit that she is, but Inoticed it quite clearly. The only girl I know who did not put on airswhen that happened was Ada. Because of the school Hella is awfully shy, and before her father too. But her mother has promised her not to tellhim. If only one can trust her!!!

January 7th. Hella came to school to-day _in spite of everything_. Ikept on looking at her, and in the interval she said: "I have told youalready that you must not stare at me in that idiotic way, and this isthe second time I've had to speak to you about it. One must not makea joke about such things. " I was not going to stand that. One must notlook at her; very well, in the third lesson I sat turning away from her;then suddenly she hooked one of my feet with hers so that I nearlyburst out laughing, and she said: "Do look round, for that way is evenstupider. " Of course Dunker promptly called us to order, that is, shetold Hella to go on reading, but Hella said promptly that she felt veryunwell, and that what she had said to me was, she would have to gohome at 12. All the girls looked at one another, for they all knowwhat _unwell_ means, and Frau Doktor Dunker said Hella had better leavedirectly, but she answered in French--that pleases Dunker awfully--thatshe would rather stay till the end of the lesson. It was simplysplendid!

January 12th. We went to the People's Theatre to-day to the matinee ofThe Fourth Commandment. The parting from the grandmother was lovely;almost everyone was in tears. I managed to keep from crying because Dorawas only two places from me, and so did Hella, probably for the samereason. Anyway she was not paying much attention to the play for in themain interval Lajos, who had been in the stalls, came up and said howd'you do to Hella and her mother. He wanted to go home with them afterthe performance. Jeno has mumps, it is a horrid sort of illness and if Ihad it I should never admit it. Those illnesses in which one is swelledup are the nastiest of all. The Sunday after next Lajos and Jeno havebeen invited to the Brs. And of course they asked me too, I am so glad. 

January 18th. I have not written for a whole week, we have such afrantic lot of work, especially in French in which we are very backward, at least Dunker says so!! She can't stand Madame Arnau, that's obvious. For my part I liked Mad. Arnau a great deal better, if only because shehad no pimples. And Prof. Jordan's History class is awfully difficult, because he always makes one find out the causes for oneself; one has tolearn _intelligently!_, but that is very difficult in History. No oneever gets an Excellent from him, except Verbenowitsch sometimes, butshe learns out of a book, not our class book, but the one on which HerrProf. J. Bases his lectures. And because she reads it all upbeforehand, naturally she always knows all the causes of the war and the_consequences_. Really _consequences_ means something quite different, and so Hella and I never dare look at one another when he is examiningus and asks: What were the consequences of this event? Of course theHerr Prof. Imagined that Franke was laughing at _him_ when she was onlylaughing at _consequences_; and it was impossible for her to explain, especially to a gentleman!!!!

January 20th. When Dora and I were coming home from skating to-day wemet Mademoiselle, and I said how d'you do to her at once, and I wasasking her how _she_ (much emphasised) was getting on, when suddenly Inoticed that Dora had gone on, and Mademoiselle said: "Your sister seemsin a great hurry, I don't want to detain her. " When I caught Dora up andasked her: "Why did you run away?" she tossed her head and said: "Thatsort of company does not suit me. " "What on earth do you mean, you wereso awfully fond of Mad. , and besides she is really lovely. " That's trueenough, she said; but it was awfully tactless of her to tell me of allthat--you know what. Such an intimacy behind her parents' backs _cannotpossibly lead to_ happiness. Then I got in such a fearful temper andsaid: "Oh do shut up. Father and Mother did not know anything aboutViktor either, and you were happy enough then. It is just the secrecythat makes one so happy. " Then she said very softly: "Dear Grete, youtoo will change your views, " and then we did not say another word. But Iwas awfully angry over her meanness; for first of all she wanted to hearthe whole story, although Mad. Never offered to tell her, and now shepretends that _she_ did not wish it. If I only knew where to find Mad. Iwould warn her. Anyhow, this day week at 7 I shall take care to be inW. Street, and perhaps I may meet her, for she probably has a privatelesson somewhere in that neighborhood. 

January 24th. Mother is very ill again to-day, _in spite of_ theoperation. I have decided that I won't go on Sunday to the Brs. AlthoughJeno will be there, and that I won't wait about for Mademoiselle onMonday. I have not told Hella anything about this for she would probablysay it was very stupid of me, but I would rather not; not because Dorahas twice spoken to me pointedly about a _clear conscience_, but becauseI don't enjoy anything when Mother is ill. 

January 26th. Mother is an angel. Yesterday she asked Aunt Dora: "By theway, Dora, has Grete put a fresh lace tucker in her blue frock, readyfor the Brs. To-morrow?" Then I said: "I'm not going Mother, " and Motherasked: "But why not, surely not on my account?" Then I rushed up to herand said: "I can't enjoy anything when you are ill. " And then Mother wasso awfully sweet, and she wept and said: "_Such moments_ make one forgetall pains and troubles. But really you _must_ go, besides I'm a gooddeal better to-day, and to-morrow I shall be quite well again. " So Ianswered: "All right, I'll go, but only if you are _really_ well. But you must tell me _honestly_. " But in any case I shan't go to meetMademoiselle on Monday. 

January 28th. It was Mathematics to-day at school, so I could not writeyesterday. We had a heavenly time on Sunday. We laughed till our sidesached and Hella was nearly suffocated with laughing. Lajos is enough togive one fits; it was absolutely ripping the way he imitated the wife ofMajor Zoltan in the Academy and Captain Riffl. I can hardly write aboutit, for my hand shakes so with laughing when I think of it. And then, while Hella and Lajos were singing songs together, Jeno told me thatevery student in the Neustadt has an inamorata, a _real_ one. Mostly inVienna, but some in Wiener Neustadt though that is dangerous because ofbeing caught. All the officers know about it, but no one must be foundout. Then I told him about Oswald's affair and he said: "Oswald was agreat donkey, you'll excuse me for saying so since he's your brother;but really he made a fool of himself. He was only a civilian; it's quitedifferent in the army. " Then I got cross and said: "That's all verywell, Jeno, but you are not an officer yourself, so I don't see how youcan know anything about it. " Then he said to Hella: "I say, Ilonka, you must keep your friend in better order, she is rather inclined tobe insubordinate. " She is to make a written note of every act of_insubordination_, and then he will administer _exemplary_ punishment. All very fine, but it will take two to that. 

January 30th. I wish I knew whether Mademoiselle really passed throughW. Street again at 7 o'clock on Monday, for she certainly said verydistinctly: "Au revoir, ma cherie!" She is so pretty and so pale;perhaps she is really ill, and she must be awfully nervous about-- -- -- That would be terrible. We wonder whether she knows aboutcertain means, but one simply can't tell her. 

February 2nd. I've had a wonderful idea and Hella thinks it a positiveinspiration. We are going to write anonymously to Mademoiselle aboutthose means, and Hella will write, so that no one can recognisemy writing. We think something of that sort must have happened toMademoiselle, for the other day I heard Mother say to Aunt Dora: "If wehad known that, we should never have engaged her for the children; itwill be a terrible thing for her parents. " And Aunt Dora said: "Yes, those are the sort of people who hide their disgrace under the water. "It seems quite clear, for _disgrace_ means an _illegitimate_ child. Andthe worst of it is, that they know that she has done _that_. We musthelp the poor thing. And _that_ is why Dora is so indignant all ofa sudden. But how can she know? there is nothing to notice yet inMademoiselle; if there had been I should certainly have seen it, forHella often says I've a keen eye for it. That is quite true, I was thefirst person to notice it in the maid at Prof. Hofer's, when even Fatherhad not noticed it. 

February 4th. Well, we have written to her, at least Hella has, sayingthere are _such_ means, and that she will find all the details in theencyclopedia. We have addressed it to F. M. And signed it "Someonewho understands you. " Unfortunately we shall never be able to find outwhether she got the letter, but the main thing is that she _should_. 

February 7th. What a frightful lot of anxiety a letter can give one! Inthe interval to-day the school servant came up to me and said: Pleaseare you Fraulein Lainer of the Third. "There is a letter for you. " Iblushed furiously, for I thought, it must be from Mademoiselle, but myblushing made Frau Berger think it must be from a young man: "Really Iought to give it to the head mistress; I am not allowed to deliver anyletters to the pupils, but in your case I will make an exception. Butplease remember if it happens again I shall have to hand it in to theoffice. " Then I said: "Frau Berger, I am quite certain it is not froma gentleman, but from a young lady, " and when she gave it to me I sawdirectly that it really was not from a gentleman but only from Ada!It really is too stupid of her! At the New Year she reproached me forhaving broken my word, and now she begs me to enquire at the RaimundTheatre or at the People's Theatre whether Herr G. Is there; she saysshe can't live without him in St. P. But in the holidays she told methat she was not in love with him, that for her he was only _a means toan end_. I'm absolutely certain she said that. Nothing will induce meto go to enquire at a theatre _office_, and Hella says too that to make_such_ a suggestion is a piece of impudence. I shall just write her anordinary letter, telling her what a row she might have got me into atschool. I really think Ada has a bee in her bonnet, as Father alwayssays. 

February 10th. I never heard of such a thing! I was sent for to theoffice to-day because the school servant had complained that on twooccasions I had thrown down some orange peel at the entrance. It's quitetrue that I did drop one piece there yesterday, but I pushed it out ofthe way with my foot into the corner, and as for any other time I knownothing about it. But I see which way the wind is blowing. Frau Bergerthought I would give her some money for that letter; just fancy, howabsurd, money for a letter like that, I wouldn't give 20 kreuzer forsuch a letter. But since then she's been in a frightfully bad temper, Inoticed it on Wednesday when we were wiping our shoes at the door. WhatI said to the head was: "It happened only once, and I kicked the peelinto the corner where no one could tread on it, but I certainly did notdo it twice, and Bruckner can confirm what I say. " Then the head said:"Oh well, we need not make a state affair of it, but the next time youdrop something, please pick it up. " Frau Berger is furious, and all wegirls in our class have decided that while we won't make more mess thanwe need, still, we shan't be too particular. If any one of us happens todrop a piece of paper she will just let it lie. Such cheek, one reallycan't stand it!

February 12th. We got our reports to-day. I have not got anySatisfactories, only Praiseworthy and Excellent. Father and Mother areawfully pleased and they have given each of us 2 crowns. Indeed Dora haspractically nothing but Excellents, only three Praiseworthies; but shestudies frantically hard, and she is learning Latin again with FrauDoktor M. If she is still teaching the lower classes next year, I shallgo too, for that way we shall have her for 3 hours longer each week. By the way, Franke has actually got Praiseworthy in Maths. And Physics, though she's hardly any good. The Nutling seems to give extraordinarilygood reports, for twice in the Maths. Schoolwork Hella has had anUnsatisfactory, and yet now in her report she has Praiseworthy. WithFrau Doktor M. One has really to deserve one's report, and it was justthe same last year with Fr. Dr. St. The worst of all is with HerrProf. Jordan. Not a single one of us has got an Excellent except thatdeceitful cat Verbenowitsch. To-morrow the Brs. Are giving a greatbirthday party because of Hella's 14th birthday. Lajos and Jeno arecoming and the two Ehrenfelds, because Hella is very fond of them, especially Trude, the elder, that is she is 2 days older than Kitty, forthey are _twins!!_ How awful!!! They only came to the Lyz this year, andHella meets them skating every day, I don't because we have no seasontickets this year but only take day tickets when we can go, becauseof Mother's illness. I am giving Hella an electric torch with a verypowerful reflector, so that it really lights up the whole room, and anamber necklace. 

February 14th. It's a good thing that we have the half-term holidayto-day and to-morrow for that gives me time to write all aboutyesterday. It was simply phenomenal! I went to wish Hella many happyreturns quite early, and I stayed to dinner and Lajos and Jeno had beeninvited to dinner too in the afternoon the 2 Ehrenfelds came and broughta box of sweets, and 3 of Hella's girl cousins and two boys, one of whomis frightfully stupid and never speaks a word, and several aunts andother ladies, for the grown-ups had their friends too. But we did notbother about them, for the dining-room, Lizzi's room, and Hella's roomhad been arranged for us. Hella had been sent such a lot of flowersthat they nearly gave us a headache. At dinner Lajos proposed a toastto Hella and another at tea. Hella was splendid, and in the evening shesaid to me: "At 14 one really does become a different being. " For inproposing his toast Lajos had said that every 7 years a human beingis completely changed, and Hella thinks that is perfectly true. Thankgoodness, _in 6 1/2 months I shall change my whole being too_. Therereally did seem to be something different about her, and when we all hadto blow to extinguish the candles on her birthday cake, all except thelife-light in the middle, as a sign that the other years have passed, she really got quite pale, for she was afraid that in joke or throughawkwardness some one would blow out her life-light. Thank goodness itwas all right. I don't much care for such things myself, for I'm alwaysafraid that something might happen. Of course I know that it's only asuperstition, but it would have been horribly unpleasant if anyonehad blown out the life-light. _Openly!!_ Lajos gave Hella an enormous_square_ box of sweets, and _secretly!!_ a silver ring with a heartpendant. He wanted her to wear this until it is replaced by a _gold_one--the _wedding_ ring. But she can't because of her parents, so shebegged me to allow her to say that I had given it her, but that wouldnot do either because of Father and Mother. _These_ things are such anuisance, and that is why no young man will ever go on living at homewhere one is continually being questioned about everything one has, and does, and wears. After tea we sang: "Had I but stayed on my lonelyHearth" and other sad songs, because they are the prettiest, and in theevening we danced while Hella's Father played for us; and then Elwira, the tall cousin, danced the czardas with Lajos, it was wonderful. I'venever known such a birthday party as yesterday's. It's only possible inwinter; you can never have anything like it on my birthday, July 30th, for the people one is fondest of are never all together at that time. Really no one ought to have a birthday in the holiday months, but alwayssometime between the end of September and June. I do wish I were 14, Isimply can't wait. Hella's mother said to Hella, You are not a child anylonger, but a grown-up; I do wish I were too!!!

February 16th. We have a new schoolfellow. All the girls and all thestaff are delighted with her. She is so small she might be only 10, butawfully pretty. She has brown curls (Hella says foxy red, but I don'tagree) hanging down to her shoulders, large brown eyes, a lovely mouth, and a complexion like milk and roses. She is the daughter of a bankmanager in Hamburg; he shot himself, I don't know why. Of course she isin mourning and it suits her wonderfully. She has a strong North Germanaccent. Frau Doktor Fuchs is simply infatuated with her and the head isawfully fond of her too. 

February 19th. Hella and I walked home to-day with Anneliese. She iscalled Anneliese von Zerkwitz. Her mother has been so frightfullyupset by her father's death that she'll probably have to be sent to asanatorium; that is why Anneliese has come to Vienna to stay with heruncle. He is a professor and they live in Wiedner Hauptstrasse. Dorathinks her charming too, the whole school is in love with her, she isgoing to gym. With us; I am so glad. Of course she won't stand nearHella and me because she's so small; but we can always keep an eye onher, show her everything, and help her with the apparatus. Hella is atrifle jealous and says: "It seems to me that Anneliese has quite takenmy place in your affections. " I said that was not a bit true, but didshe not think Anneliese awfully loveable? "Yes, " said Hella, "but onemust not neglect old friends on that account. " "I certainly shan't doanything of the kind; but Anneliese really needs some one who will showher everything and explain everything. " Besides, the head mistress andFrau Doktor M. Placed her in front of me and said to us: "Give her ahelping hand. "

February 20th. It's such a pity that I can't ask Anneliese here, forMother has been in bed for the last week. But she is going to Hella'son Sunday, and since I am going too of course I am frightfully glad. Naturally I would much rather have her here; but unfortunately it'simpossible because of Mother. Dora thinks that Mother will have to haveanother operation, but I don't believe it, for _such_ an operation canonly be done _once_. What I can't understand is why there should beanything wrong with Mother if the operation was successful. Dora isafraid that Mother has cancer, that would be horrible; but I don'tbelieve she has, because if one has cancer one can't recover. 

February 23rd. It was heavenly at the Bruckners! Anneliese did notcome until 4, for they don't have dinner until 3. She wore a whiteembroidered frock with black silk ribbons. Hella's mother kissed herwith tears in her eyes. For her mother really is in a sanatorium becauseis suffering from _nervous_ disease. Anneliese is living with her uncleand aunt. But she often cries because of her father and mother. Still, she enjoyed herself immensely in the round games, winning all the bestprizes, a pocket comb and mirror, a box of sweets, a toy elephant, anegro with a vase, and other things as well. I won a pen-wiper, a doublevase, a pencil holder, a lot of sweets, and a note book, Hella won a lotof things too, and so did her two cousins and Jenny. 

Then we had some music and Anneliese sang the Wacht am Rhein and a lotof folk songs; her voice is as sweet as herself. She was fetched at 7, Istayed till 8. 

March 1st. To-morrow Hella and I have been in vised to Anneliese's. I amso awfully glad. I shall ask Mother to let me wear my new theatre blouseand the green spring coat and skirt. The temperature went up to 54degrees to-day. 

March 3rd. Yesterday we went to Anneliese's. She shares a room with hercousin; she is only 11 and goes to the middle school, but she is anice girl I expected to find everything frightfully smart at ProfessorArndt's, but it was not so at all. They have only 3 rooms notparticularly well furnished. He has retired on a pension, Emmy is theirgranddaughter, she lives with them because her father is in Galicia, acaptain or major I think. It was not so amusing as at Hella's. We playedgames without prizes, and that is dull; it is not that one plays for thesake of the prizes, but what's the use of playing if one does not winanything? Then they read aloud to us out of a story book. But what Hellaand I found exasperating was that Anneliese's uncle said "Du" to usboth. For Hella is 14, and I shall be 14 in a few months. But Hellawas quite right; in conversation she said: "At the High School onlythe mistresses say Du to us, the professors _have_ to say Sie. "Unfortunately he went away soon after, so we don't know whether he tookthe hint. Hella says too that it was not particularly entertaining. 

March 9th. Oh dear, Mother really has got cancer; of course Father hasnot told us so, but she has to have another operation. Dora has criedher eyes out and my knees are trembling. She's going to hospital onFriday. Aunt Dora is coming back on Thursday and will stay here tillMother is well again. I do so dread the operation, and still moreMother's going away. It's horrible, but still lots of people have cancerand don't die of it. 

March 22nd. Mother is coming home again tomorrow. Oh I am so glad!Everything is so quiet in the hospital and one hardly dares speak in thepassages. Mother said: "I don't want to stay here any longer, let me goback to my children. " We went to see Mother in hospital every day andtook her violets and other flowers, for she was not allowed to eatanything during the first few days after the operation. But it's quitedifferent now that she's home again. I should have liked to stay awayfrom school to-day, but Mother said: "No, children, go to school, do itto please me. " So of course we went, but I simply could not attend to mylessons. 

March 24th. Mother is asleep now. She looks frightfully ill and stillhas a lot of pain. I'm sure the doctors can't really understand hercase; for if they had operated properly she would not still have painafter the _second_ operation. I should like to know _what_ Mother hasbeen talking to Dora about, for they both cried. Although Dora and Iare on good terms now, she would not tell me, but said she had promisedMother not to speak about it. I can't believe that Mother has told Doraa _secret_, but perhaps it was something about marrying. For Dora onlysaid: "Besides, Mother did not need to say that to me, for my mind wasquite made up in any case. " I do hate such hints, it's better to saynothing at all. As soon as Mother can get up she is going to Abbazia fora change, and most likely Dora will go with her. 

March 26th. Mother and Dora are going to Abbazzia next week. Dora thinksI envy her the journey, and she said: "I would _willingly_ renounce thejourney and the seaside if only Mother would get well. And this year whenI have to matriculate, I certainly should not go for pleasure. " I'mso awfully miserable that I simply can't wear a red ribbon in my hair, though red suits me best. I generally wear a black one now, but sinceyesterday a brown one, for Mother said: "Oh, Gretel, do give up thatblack ribbon; it looks so gloomy and does not suit you at all. " Of courseI could not tell Mother _how_ I was feeling, so I took the brown one andsaid the red ribbon was quite worn out. 

April 12th. I never get my diary written. It's so gloomy at home forMother is very bad. Oswald is coming home to-morrow for the Easterholidays and Mother is looking forward so to seeing him. I was to havegone with Hella and her father to Maria-Zell, for this year theyare probably going to take a house for the summer in Mitterbach orMitterberg near Maria-Zell. But I am not going after all, for I don'tfeel inclined, and I think Mother is better pleased that I should not;for she said: "So I shall have all my three darlings together here atEaster. " When she said that I wanted to cry, and I ran quickly out ofthe room so that she might not see me. But she must have seen, for afterdinner she said: "Gretel, if you really _want_ to go with the Bruckners, I should like you to; I should be so glad for you to have a littlepleasure, you have not had much enjoyment all the winter. " And then Icould not stop myself, and I burst out crying and said: "No, Mother, Iwon't go on any account. All I want is that you should get quite wellagain. " And then Mother cried too and said: "Darling, I'm afraid I shallnever be quite well again, but I should like to stay until you are allgrown up; after that you won't need me so much. " Then Dora came in andwhen she saw that Mother was crying she said that Father had sentfor me. He hadn't really but in the evening she told me that Mother'sillness was hopeless, but that I must not do anything to upset heror let her see what I was feeling. And then we both cried a lot andpromised one another that we would always stay with Father. 

May 16th. Mother died on April 24th, the Sunday after Easter. We are allso awfully unhappy. Hardly anyone says a word at mealtimes, only Fatherspeaks to us so lovingly. Most likely Aunt Dora will stay here for good. It's not three weeks yet since Mother was buried, but in one way we feelas if she had already been dead three years, and in another way one isalways suddenly wanting to go into her room, to ask her something ortell her something. And when we go to bed we talk about her for such along time, and then I dream about her all night. Why should people die?Or at least only quite old people, who no longer have anyone to careabout it. But a mother and a father ought never to die. The night afterMother died Hella wanted me to come and stay with them, but I preferredto stay at home; but late in the evening I did not dare to go into thehall alone, so Dora went with me. Father had locked the door into thedrawing-room, where Mother was laid out, but all the same it was awfullycreepy. They did not call me on the 24th until after Mother was dead; Ishould have so liked to see her once more. Good God, why should one die?If only I had been called Berta after her; but she did not wish thateither of us should be called after her, nor did Father wish it inOswald's case. 

May 19th. When Mother was buried, one thing made me frightfully angrywith Dora, at least not really angry but hurt, that _she_ should havegone into church and come out of church with Father. For _I_ have alwaysgone with Father and Dora has always gone with Mother. And while poorMother was in hospital, Dora went with Aunt. But at the funeral Fatherwent with her, and I had to go with Aunt Dora. A few days later I spoketo her about it, and she said it was quite natural because she is theelder. She said that Oswald ought to have gone with me, that that wouldhave been the proper thing. But he went alone. Another thing that annoysme is this; when Aunt Dora came here in the autumn, Dora and I sat onthe same side of the table at dinner and supper, and Aunt sat oppositeMother, and when Mother took to her bed her place was left vacant. Aftershe died Oswald sat on the fourth side, and now for about a week Dorahas been sitting in Mother's place. I can't understand how Father canallow it!

May 19th. At dinner to-day no one could eat anything. For we had breastof veal, and we had had the same thing on the day of poor Mother'sfuneral, and when the joint was brought in I happened to look at Doraand saw that she was quite red and was sobbing frightfully. Then I couldnot contain myself any more and said: "I can't eat any breast of veal, for on Mother's burial day -- -- --, " then I could not say any more, andFather stood up and came round to me, and Dora and Aunt Dora burst outcrying too. And after dinner Aunt promised us that we should never havebreast of veal again. For tea, Aunt Dora ordered an Ulm cake because wehad eaten hardly anything at dinner. 

May 26th. To-day is the first day of Dora's written matriculation. Father wanted her to withdraw because she looks so ill, but she wouldnot for she said it would be a distraction for her and that she wouldlike to finish with the High School. Next year she is to go to apreparatory school for the Gymnasium. She ought really to go to adancing class, for she is nearly 17, but since she is in mourning it isquite impossible and of course she does not want to go anyhow. The headthought too that Dora would withdraw from the examination because sheis so overwrought, but she did not want to withdraw. The staff were soawfully sweet to us after Mother's death, at least the women teacherswere. The professors don't bother themselves about our private concerns, for they only see us for 1 or 2 hours a week. Frau Doktor Steiner, fromwhom we don't have any lessons this year, was awfully sympathetic; I sawplainly that she had tears in her eyes, and Frau Doktor M. Was an angelas she always is! We did not go to the spring festival on May 20th, though Father said we could go if we liked. Hella and Anneliese wereawfully anxious that I should go; but I would not, and indeed I shallnever go to any more amusements. No doubt the others enjoyed themselvesimmensely, but for Dora and me it would have been horrible. In theevenings I often fancy to myself that it is not really true, that Motherhas simply gone to Franzensbad and will be back soon. And then I cryuntil my head aches or until Dora says: "Oh Gretel, I do wish you'dstop, it's awful. " She often cries herself, I can hear her quite well, but _I_ never say anything. 

June 4th. So Dora looks upon Mother's death as _a sign of God'sdispleasure against Father!_ But what could _we_ have done to preventit? She said, Oh, yes, we did a lot of things we ought not to have done, and above all we had secrets from Mother. That is why God has punishedus. It's horrible, and now that she is always speaking of the eye of Godand the finger of God it makes me so terribly afraid to go into a darkroom, because I always feel there is some one there who is eying me andwants to seize me. 

June 8th. Father is in a frightful rage with Dora; yesterday evening, when I opened the drawing-room door and there was Father coming out, quite unintentionally I gave a yell, and when Father asked what was thematter I told him about God's displeasure; only I did not tell himit was against him, but only against Dora and me. And then Father wasfrightfully angry for the first time since Mother's death, and he toldDora she was not to upset me with her ill-conditioned fancies, and Doranearly had an attack of palpitation so that the doctor had to be sentfor. Aunt came to sleep in our room and we both had to take bromide. To-day Father was awfully kind to us and said: "Girls, you've no reasonto reproach yourselves, you have always been good children, and I hopeyou always will be good. " Yes, I will be, for Mother's eye watches overus. Hella thinks I look very poorly, and she asked me to-day whetherperhaps . . . . ?? But I told her that I would not talk about suchthings any more, that it would be an offence to my Mother's memory. Shewanted to say something more, but I said: "No, Hella, I simply won'ttalk about _that_ any more. You can't understand, because your mother isstill alive. "

June 12th. It is awful; just when I did not want to think any moreabout _such_ things, there comes an affair of that very sort! I'm in afrightful mess through no fault of my own. Just after 9 to-day a girlfrom the Second came in to our Mathematic lesson and said: "The headmistress wishes to see Lainer, Bruckner, and Franke in the officedirectly. " All the girls looked at us, but we did not know why. When wecame into the office, the door of the head's room was shut and FrauleinN. Told us to wait. Then the head came out and called me in. Inside alady was sitting, and she looked at me through a lorgnon. "Do you spendmuch time with Zerkwitz?" asked the head. "Yes, said I, " and I had aforeboding. "This lady is Zerkwitz's mother, she complains that you talkabout very improper things with her daughter; is it so?" "Hella and Inever wanted to tell her anything; but she begged us to again and again, and besides we thought she really knew it anyhow and only pretended shedidn't. " "_What_ did you think she knew, and what did you talk to herabout?" broke in Anneliese's mother. "Excuse me, " said the head, "I willexamine the girls; so Bruckner was concerned in the matter too?" "Veryseldom, " said I; "Yes, the chief offender is Lainer, _the girl whosemother died recently_. " Then I choked down my tears, and said: "Weshould never have said a word about these matters unless Anneliese hadkept on at us. " After that I would not answer any more questions. ThenHella was called in. She told me afterwards that she knew what wasup directly she saw my face. "What have you been talking about toZerkwitz?" Hella would not say at first, but then she said in as fewwords as possible: "About getting babies, and about being married!""Gracious goodness, such little brats, and to talk about _such_ things, "said Anneliese's mother. "Such corrupt minds. " "We did not believethat Anneliese did not _really_ know, or we should never have toldher anything, " said Hella just as I had; she was simply splendid. "Asregards Alfred, we have nothing to do with that, and we have oftenadvised her not to allow him to meet her coming home from school; butshe would not listen to us. " "I am talking about your conversationswith which you have corrupted the poor innocent child, " said Frau vonZerkwitz. "She certainly must have known something about it before, orshe would not have gone with Alfred or wanted to talk about it with us, "said Hella. "Heavenly Father, that is worse still; such corruptnessof mind!" Then we were sent out of the room. Outside, Hella criedfrightfully, and so did I, for we were afraid there would be a row athome. We could not go back into the Mathematic lesson because we hadbeen crying such a lot. In the interval Hella walked past Anneliese andsaid out loud: "Traitress!!" and spat at her. For that she was orderedout of the ranks. I stepped out of the ranks too, and when FrauProfessor Kreindl said: "Not you, Lainer, you go on, " I said: "Excuseme, I spat at her _too_, " and went and stood beside Hella. All the girlslooked at us. It was plain that Frau Prof. Kreindl knew all about italready for she did not say any more. In the German lesson from 11 to 12Frau Doktor M. Said: "Girls, why can't you keep the peace together? Thiscontinual misconduct is really too bad, and serves only to make troublefor you and for your parents and for us. " Just before 12 Hella andI were summoned to the head's room again. "Girls, " she said, "it'sa horrible business this. Even if your own imaginations have beenprematurely poisoned, why should you try to corrupt others? As foryou, Lainer, you ought to be especially ashamed of yourself that suchcomplaints should be made of you when your mother has been buried onlya few weeks. " "Excuse me, " said Hella, "all this happened in the spring, and even earlier, in the winter, for we were still skating at the time. Rita's mother was pretty well then. Besides, Zerkwitz was continuallypestering us to tell her. I often warned Rita, and said: 'Don'ttrust her, ' but she was quite infatuated with Zerkwitz. Please, FrauDirektorin, don't say anything about it to Rita's father, for he wouldbe frightfully upset. "

Hella was simply splendid, I shall never forget. She does not want me towrite that; we are writing together. Hella thinks we must write it alldown word for word, for one never can tell what use it may be. No oneever had a friend like Hella, and she is so brave and clever. "You arejust as clever, " she says, "but you get so easily overawed, and besidesyou are still quite nervous because of your mother's death. I only hopeyour father won't hear anything about it. " That stupid idiot dug up theold story about the two students on the ice, a thing that was over anddone with ages ago. "You should never trust anyone, " says Hella, andshe's perfectly right. I never could have believed Anneliese would besuch a sneak. We don't know yet what was up with Franke. As she came inshe put her finger to her lips, meaning of course "Betray nothing!"

June 15th. The school inspector came to-day. I was at the blackboard inthe Maths lesson, when there was a knock at the door and the head camein with the Herr Insp. For a moment I thought he had come about _thatmatter_, and I went as white as a sheet (at least the girls say Idid; Hella says I looked like Niobe mourning for her children). Thankgoodness, the sum was an easy one, and besides I can always do sums; inMaths and French I am the best in the class. But the Herr Insp. Saw thatI had tears in my eyes and said something to the head; then the headsaid: "She has recently lost her mother. " Then the Herr Insp. Praisedme, and like a stupid idiot I must needs begin to howl. The head said:"It's all right L. , sit down, " and stroked my hair. She is so awfullysweet, and I do hope that she and Frau Doktor M. Will say a word for meat the Staff Meeting. And I do hope that Father won't hear anything ofit, for of course he would reproach me dreadfully because it all comesso soon after Mother's death. But really it all happened long beforethat. The way it all happened was that Hella's mother went away to seeEmmy, her married niece, who was _having her first baby_. And then itwas that we told the "innocent child" (that's what we call the deceitfulcat) everything. Hella still thinks that the "innocent child" was ahumbug. That is quite likely, for after all she is nearly fourteen; andat 14 one must _surely_ know a great deal already; it's impossiblethat at that age a girl can continue to believe in the stork story, asAnneliese is said!!! to have done. Hella thinks that I shall soon be"developed" too, because I always have such black rings under my eyes. Ioverheard Frau von Zerkwitz say, "Little brats;" but Hella says thatthe head _hemmed loudly to drown it_. Afterwards Hella was in fits oflaughter over the expression "little brats" for her mother always saysabout _such_ things; _Little brats_ like you have no concern with suchmatters. Good Lord, when is one to learn all about it if one does notknow when one is nearly 14! As a matter of fact both Hella and I learnedthese things _very early_, and it has not done us any harm. Hella'smother always says that if one learns such things too early one gets tolook old; but of course that's nonsense. But why do mothers not want usto know? I suppose they're just ashamed. 

June 16th. Yesterday evening after we had gone to bed, Dora said: "Whatwere you really talking about to Z. , or whatever her name is? The headcalled me into the office to-day and told me that you had been talkingof improper matters. She said I must watch over you in _Mother'splace!_" Well that would be a fine thing! Besides, it all happened whenMother was still alive. A mother never knows what children are talkingof together. Dora thinks that I shall have a written Reprimand from theStaff Meeting. I should hate that because of Father; that would meananother fearful row; although Father is really awfully sweet now; I havenot had a single rowing since Mother first got ill. It's quite true thatdeath makes people gentle, but why? Really one would have thought peoplewould get disagreeable, because they've been so much distressed. Lastweek the tombstone was put up and we all went to see it. I should liketo go alone to the cemetery once at least, for one does not like to weepbefore the others. 

June 18th. The "innocent child" does not come to gym. Any longer, atleast she has not been since _that affair_. We think she's afraid, although we should not say anything to her. We punish her with _silentcontempt_, she'll _feel_ that _more than anything_. And thank goodnessshe does not come to play tennis. I do hate people who are _deceitful_, for one never knows where to have them. When a girl tells an outrightcram, then I can at least say to her: Oh, clear out, don't tell such afrightful whacker; I was not born yesterday. But one has no safeguardagainst _deceitfulness_. That's why I don't like cats. We have anothername for the "innocent child, " we call her the "red cat. " I think sheknows. Day after tomorrow is the school outing to Carnuntum. I am soexcited. We have to be at the quay at half past 7. 

June 21st. The outing was lovely. Hella was to come and fetch me. Butshe overslept herself, so her mother took a taxi; and luckily I hadwaited for her. I should like to be always driving in a taxi. Dora wouldnot wait, and went away at a quarter to 7 by electric car. At a quarterto 8 Hella came in the taxi, and just before the ship weighed anchor (Ibelieve one ought only to say that of a sailing ship at sea, but it doesnot matter, I'm not Marina who knows _everything_ about the navy), thatis just at the right moment, we arrived. They all stared at us when wecame rushing up in the taxi. I tumbled down as I got out of the car, itwas stupid; but I don't think they all noticed it. Aunt Dora said thatfor this one day we had better put off our mourning, and Father said sotoo, so we wore our white embroidered frocks and Aunt Dora was awfullygood and had made us black sashes; it looked frightfully smart, and theysay that people wear mourning like that in America. I do love America, the land of liberty. Boys (that is young students) and girls go toschool _together_ there!! -- -- -- But about the outing. In the boat wesat next Frau Doktor M. , she was awfully nice; Hella was on the rightand I was on the left, and we sat so close that she said: "Girls, you'resquashing me, or at least you're crushing my dress!" She was wearing awhite frock and had a coral necklace which suited her simply splendidly. When we were near Hainburg Hella's hat fell into the Danube, and all thegirls screamed because they thought a child had fallen overboard. Butthank goodness it was only the hat. We went up the Schlossberg and had alovely view, that is, _I_ did not look at anything except Frau DoktorM. Because she was so lovely; Professor Wilke was with us, and he wentabout with her all the time. The girls say he will probably marry her, perhaps in the holidays. Oh dear, _that_ would be horrid. Hella thinksthat is quite out of the question because of the German professor;at any rate it would be better for her to marry Professor W. Than theother, because he is said to be a Jew. "Still, with regard to all thethings that hang upon marriage, it's the same with every man, " said I. "That's just the chief point, you little goose, " said Hella. And FrauDoktor M. Said: "Do you allow your chum to talk to you like that? Whatis the chief point?" I was just going to say: "We _can't_ tell you_that_, " when Hella interrupted me and said: "Just because I'm her chumI can talk to her like that; she would not let anyone else do it. " Thenwe went to dinner. Unfortunately we did not sit next "_her_. " Wehad veal cutlets and four pieces of chocolate cake, and as the HerrReligionsprof. Went by he said: "How many weeks have you been fasting?"Before dinner we went to the museum to see the things they had dug up inthe Roman camp. The head mistress and Fraulein V. Explained everything. It was most instructive. In the afternoon we went to Deutsch-Altenburg. It was great fun at tea. Then we had games and all the staff joined in, the Fifth had got up a comedy by one of the girls. We were all in fitsof laughter. Then suddenly there came along a whole troop of officersof the flying corps, frightfully smart, and one of them sat down at thepiano and began to play dance music. Another came up to the head andbegged her to allow the "young ladies" to dance. The head did not wantto at first, but all the girls of the Fifth and Sixth begged her to, and the Herr Rel. Prof. Said: "Oh, Frau Direktorin, let them have theinnocent pleasure, " and so they really were allowed to dance. The restof us either danced with one another or looked on. And then, when Hellaand I were standing right in front, up came a splendid lieutenant andsaid: "May I venture to separate the two friends for a little dance?""If you please, " said I, and sailed off with him. To dance with alieutenant is glorious. Then the same lieutenant danced with Hella andin the evening on the way home she said that the lieutenant had reallywanted to dance with her first, but I had been so prompt with my "Ifyou please" and had placed my hand on his shoulder. Of course that'snot true, but it is not a thing one would quarrel about with one's bestfriend, and anyhow he danced with both of us. Unfortunately we werenot able to dance very long because we got so hot. Oh, and I had almostforgotten, a captain with a black moustache saluted Frau Doktor M. , forthey know one another. She blushed furiously; so he is probably the manshe will marry, and not Herr Prof. Wilke and not the Jewish professor. He would please me a great deal better. They were all so awfully smart!Before we left a lieutenant brought in a huge bunch of roses, and theofficers gave a rose to each member of the staff, the ladies I mean. Then something awfully funny happened. There is a girl in the Sixth wholooks quite old, as if she might be 24, and "our" lieutenant offered hera rose too. And then she said: "No thank you, I am not one of thestaff, I'm in the Sixth. " Everyone burst out laughing, and she was quiteabashed because the lieutenant had taken her for one of the staff. Andthe Herr Rel. Prof. Said to her: "Tschapperl, you might just as wellhave taken it. " But really she was quite right to refuse. I think theremust have been 20 officers at least. Of course Hella told the lieutenantthat she was a colonel's daughter. I wonder if we shall ever see himagain. 

I am writing this four days after the outing. Dora told me yesterdaythat when I was dancing with the lieutenant the Herr Rel. Prof. Said tothe Frau Direktorin: "Do just look at that young Lainer; little rogue, see what eyes she's making. " Making eyes, forsooth! I did not make eyes, besides, what does it mean anyhow to make eyes!! Of course I did notshut my eyes; if I had I should probably have fallen down, and theneveryone would have laughed. And I don't like being laughed at. I hardlysaw Dora all through the outing, and she did not dance. She said verycuttingly: "Of course not, for after all we _are_ in mourning, even ifwe did wear white dresses; you are only a child, for whom that sort ofthing does not matter. " _That sort of thing_, as if I had done somethingdreadful! I don't love Mother any the less, and I don't forget her. Father was quite different; the day before yesterday evening he said:"So my little witch has made a conquest; you're beginning early. Butit's no good taking up with an officer, little witch, they're tooexpensive. " But I would like to have the lieutenant, I would go upwith him in an aeroplane, up, up, till we both got quite giddy. In thereligion lesson yesterday, when the Herr Prof. Came in he laughed likeanything and said: "Hullo, Lainer, is the world still spinning roundyou? The Herr Leutnant has not been able to sleep since. " So I supposehe knows him. Still, I'm quite sure that he has not lost his sleep on myaccount, though very likely he said so. If I only knew what his name is, perhaps Leo or Romeo; yes, Romeo, that would suit him admirably!

June 26th. When I was writing hard yesterday Aunt Alma came with Marinaand that jackanapes Erwin who was really responsible for all the rowthat time. Since Mother died we have been meeting again. I don't thinkMother liked Aunt Alma much, nor she her. Just as Father and Aunt Doraare not particularly fond of one another. It is so in most families, thefather does not care much for the mother's brothers and sisters and viceversa. I wonder why? I wonder whether _He_ has a fiancee, probably hehas, and what she looks like. I wish I knew whether He likes brown hairor fair hair or black hair best. But about the visit! Of course Marinaand I were _very_ standoffish. She is so frightfully conceited becauseshe goes to the Training College. As if that were something magnificent!The High School is much more important, for from the High School onegoes on to the university, but not from the Training College; and theydon't learn English, nor French properly, for it is only optional. AuntAlma knows that it annoys Father when anyone says we don't look well, soshe said: "Why, Dora looks quite overworked; thank goodness it's nearlyover, and she won't get much out of it after all, it's really better fora girl to become a teacher. " Erwin lounged in his chair and said to me:"Do you dare me to spit on the carpet?" "You are ill-bred enough to doit; I can't think why Marina, the future schoolmistress, does not giveyou a good smacking, " said I. Then Aunt Alma chimed in: "What's thematter children? What game are you playing?" "It's not a game at all;Erwin wants to spit on the carpet and he seems to think that would beall right. " Then Aunt said something to him in Italian, and he pulleda long nose at me behind Father's back, but I simply ignored it; littlepig, and yet he's my cousin! Kamillo is supposed to have been just asimpudent as Bub. But we have never seen him, for he has been in Japan asan ensign for the last two years. Mourning does not suit Marina at all;there's a provincial look about her and she can't shake it off. Herclothes are too long and she has not got a trace of b--, although shewas 17 last September; she is disgustingly thin. 

June 27th. The Herr Insp. Came to our class to-day, in French this time. Frau Doktor Dunker is always frightfully excited by his visits, and atthe beginning of the lesson she said: "Girls, the Inspector is comingto-day; pull yourselves together; please don't leave me in the lurch. "So it must be true what Oswald always says that the inspectors come toinspect the teachers and not the pupils. "At the inspection, " Oswaldoften says, "every pupil has the professor in his hands. " Beingfirst, of course I was called upon, and I simply could not think what"trotteur" meant. I would not say "Trottel" [idiot], and so I saidnothing at all. Then Anneliese turned round and whispered it to me, butof course I was not going to say it after her, but remained speechlessas an owl. At length the Herr Inspektor said: "Translate the sentenceright to the end, and then you'll grasp its meaning. " But I can't seethe sense of that; for if I don't know one of the words the sentence hasno meaning, or at least not the meaning it ought to have. If Hella hadnot been absent to-day because of -- --, she might have been able towhisper it to me. Afterwards Frau Doktor Dunker reproached me, sayingthat no one could ever trust anyone, and that I really did not deservea One. "And the stupidest thing of all was that you laughed when you didnot know a simple word like that. " Of course I could not tell her thatmy first thought had been to translate it "Trottel. " Unseen translationis really too difficult for us. 

June 28th. The Staff Meeting is to-day. I'm on tenter hooks to knowwhether I shall have a Reprimand, or a bad conduct mark in my report. That would be awful. It does not matter so much to Hella, for her fatherhas just gone away to manoeuvres in Hungary or in Bosnia, and bythe time he is back the holidays will have begun and no one will bebothering about reports any more. So I shall know to-morrow. Oh bother, to-morrow is a holiday and next day is Sunday. So for another 2 1/2 daysI shall have "to linger in suspense, " but a different sort of suspensefrom what Goethe wrote about. 

June 30th. We were at home yesterday and this afternoon because ofDora's matriculation. The Bruckners went to Breitenstein to visit anaunt, who is in a convalescent home, and so I could not go with them. In the evening we went to Turkenschanz Park to supper, but there wasnothing on. By the way, I have not written anything yet about the"innocent child" at the outing. On the boat she began fussing roundHella and me and wanted to push into the conversation, indirectly ofcourse! But she did not succeed; Hella is extraordinarily clever in suchmatters; she simply seemed to look through her Really I'm a little sorryfor her, for she hasn't any close friends beyond ourselves; but Hellasaid: "Haven't you had enough of it yet? Do you want to be cooked oncemore with the same sauce?" And when Hella's hat fell into the water andwe were still looking after it in fits of laughter, all of a suddenwe found Anneliese standing behind us offering Hella a fine lace shawlwhich she had brought with her for the evening because she so readilygets earache. "Wouldn't you like to use this shawl, so that youwon't have to go back to Vienna without a hat?" "Please don't troubleyourself, I'm quite used to going about bare-headed. " But the _way_ shesaid it, like a queen! I _must_ learn it from her. She is really shorterthan I am, but at such moments she looks just like a grownup lady. Itold her as much, and she rejoined: "Darling Rita, you can't _learn_ athing like that; it's _inborn_. " She rather annoyed me, for she alwaysseems to think that an officer's daughter is a thing apart. 

July 1st. Thank goodness, everything has passed off without a publicscandal. Frau Doktor M. Spoke to me in the corridor, saying: "Lainer, you've had a narrow escape. If certain voices had not been raised onyour behalf, I really don't know -- -- --. " Then I said: "I'm quitecertain, Frau Doktor, that you alone have saved me from a Bad ConductMark. " And I kissed her hand. "Get along, you little baggage, forthe one part simply a child, and for the other with your head full ofthoughts which grown-ups would do well to dispense with. "

After all, one can't help one's _thoughts_, and we shall be more carefulin future as to the persons to whom we talk about _that sort of thing_. Here's another thing I forgot to mention about the outing: When we gotback into Vienna by rail, most of the parents came to meet us at thestation; Father was there too, and so was the "innocent child's" mother. Thank goodness Father did not know her. When we got out of the trainthere was a great scrimmage, because we were all trying to sortourselves to our parents, and suddenly I heard Hella's voice: "No, Madam, your child is not in our bad company. " I turned round sharply, and there was Hella standing in front of Frau von Zerkwitz who had justasked her: "Hullo, _you_, what has become of my little Anneliese?" Theanswer was splendid; I should never have been able to hit upon it; Ialways think of good repartees after the event. It was just the samethat time when the old gentleman in the theatre asked Hella if she wasalone there, and she snapped at him. He said: Impudent as a Jewess, or an impudent Jewess! It was too absurd, for first of all it's notimpudent to make a clever repartee, and secondly it does not followbecause one can do it that one is a Jewess. So Hella finished up bysaying to him: "No, you've made a mistake, you are not speaking to oneof your own sort. "

We break up on the 6th; but because of Dora's matriculation we arestaying here until the 11th. Then we are going to Fieberbrunn in Tyrol, and this year we shall stay in a hotel, so I am awfully pleased. Hellahad a splendid time there last year. 

July 2nd. My goodness, to-day I have . . . . , no, I can't write it plainout. In the middle of the Physics lesson, during revision, when I wasnot thinking of anything in particular, Fraulein N. Came in with a paperto be signed. As we all stood up I thought to myself: Hullo, what'sthat? And then it suddenly occurred to me: Aha!! In the interval Hellaasked me why I had got so fiery red in the Physics lesson, if I'dhad some sweets with me. I did not want to tell her the real reasondirectly, and so I said: "Oh no, I had nearly fallen asleep fromboredom, and when Fraulein N. Came in it gave me a start. " On the wayhome I was very silent, and I walked so slowly (for of course one mustnot walk fast _when_ . . . ) that Hella said: "Look here, what's upto-day, that you are so frightfully solemn? Have you fallen in lovewithout my knowing it, or is it _at long last_ . . . . ?" Then I said"_Or is it at long last!_" And she said: "Ah, then now we're equals oncemore, " and there in the middle of the street she gave me a kiss. Justat that moment two students went by and one of them said: "Give me onetoo. " And Hella said: "Yes, I'll give you one on the cheek which willburn. " So they hurried away. We really had no use for them: to-day!!Hella wanted me to tell her _everything about it_; but really I hadn'tanything to tell, and yet she believed that I _wouldn't_ tell. It isreally very unpleasant, and this evening I shall have to take frightfulcare because of Dora. But I must tell Aunt because I want a San-- T--. It will be frightfully awkward. It was different in Hella's case, firstof all because she had such frightful cramps before it began so that hermother knew all about it without being told, and secondly because it washer _mother_. I certainly shan't tell Dora whatever happens, for thatwould make me feel still more ashamed. As for a San-- T--, I shall neverbe able to buy one for myself even if I live to be 80. And it would beawful for Father to know about it. I wonder whether men really do know;I suppose they must know about their wives, but at any rate they can'tknow anything about their daughters. 

July 3rd. Dora does know after all. For I switched off the light_before_ I undressed, and then Dora snapped at me: "What on earth areyou up to, switch it on again directly. " "No I won't. " Then she cameover and wanted to switch it on herself; "Oh do please wait until I'vegot into bed. " "O-o-h, is that it, " said Dora, "why didn't you say sobefore? I've always hidden my things from you, and you haven't got anyyet. " And then we talked for quite a long time, and she told me thatMother had commissioned her to tell me everything _when_ -- -- -- Motherhad told her all about it, but she said it was better for one girl totell it to another, because that was least awkward. Mother knew toothat in January Hella had . . . But how? I never let on! It was midnightbefore we switched off the light. 

July 6th. Oh, I am so unhappy, when we went to get our reports to-dayand said good-bye to Frau Doktor M. , she was awfully sweet, and atthe end she said: "I hope that you won't give too much trouble to mysuccessor. " At first we did not understand, for we thought she onlymeant that it is always uncertain whether the same member of the staffwill keep the same class from year to year, but then she said: "I amleaving the school because I am going to be married. " It gave me such apang, and I said: "Oh, is it true?" "Yes, Lainer, it's quite true. " Andall the girls thronged round her and wanted to kiss her hand. No onespoke for a moment, and then Hella said: "Frau Doktor, may I ask yousomething? But you mustn't be angry!" "All right, ask away!" "Is it thecaptain we met in Carnuntum?" She was quite puzzled for a minute, andthen she laughed like anything and said, "No, Bruckner, it is not he, for he has a wife already. " And Gilly, who is not so frightfully fond ofher as Hella and I are, said: "Frau Doktor, please tell us whom youare going to marry. " "There's no secret about it, I am going to marry aprofessor in Heidelberg. " That is why she has to leave the High School. It's simply ruined my holidays. Hella has such lovely ideas. The girlswould not leave Frau Doktor alone, and they all wanted to walk home withher. Then she said: "My darling girls, that's impossible, for I am goingto Purkersdorf to see my parents. " And then Hella had her splendididea. The others said: "Please may we come with you as far as themetropolitan?" and at length she said they might. But Hella said, "Comealong, " and we hurried off to the metropolitan before them and tooktickets to Hutteldorf so that we should be able to get back in plenty oftime, and there we were waiting on the platform when she came and whenall the girls came with her as far as the entrance. Then we rushed upto her and got into the train which came in at that moment. Of course wehad second class tickets, for Hella, being an officer's daughter, mayn'ttravel third, and Frau Doktor M. Always travels second too. And we allthree sat together on a seat for two, though it was frightfully hot. She was so nice to us; I begged her to give us her photograph and shepromised to send us one. Then, alas, we got to Hutteldorf. "Now, girls, you must get out. " Then we both burst out crying, and she _kissed us!_Never shall I forget that blessed moment and that heavenly ride! As longas the train was still in sight we both waved our handkerchiefs to herand she _waved back!_ When we wanted to give up our tickets Hella lookedeverywhere for her purse and could not find it; she must have left it inthe ticket office. Luckily I still had all my July pocket money and so Iwas able to pay the excess fare, and then for once in a way _I_ was thesharp-witted one; I said we had travelled third and had only passedout through the second, so we had not to pay so much; and no one knewanything about it, there's no harm in that sort of cheating. Of coursewe really did go back third, although Hella said it would spoil thememory for her. That sort of thing does not matter to me. We did notget home until a quarter past 1, and Aunt Dora gave me a tremendousscolding. I said I had been arranging books in the library for FrauDoktor, but Dora had enquired at the High School at 12, and there hadbeen no one there. We had already gone away then, I said, and had gonepart of the way with Frau Doktor M. , for she was leaving because ofher marriage. Then Dora was quite astonished and said: "Ah, now Iunderstand. " The other day when she had to go into the room while thestaff meeting was on, the staff was talking about an engagement, andFraulein Thim was saying: "Not everyone has the luck to get a universityprofessor. " That must have been about _her_. Certainly Thim won't getone, not even a school porter. To-day, (I've been writing this up fortwo days), I had such a delightful surprise; _she_ sent me her photo, simply heavenly!! Father says the portrait is better looking than thereality. Nothing of the sort, she is perfectly beautiful, with herlovely eyes and her spiritual expression! Of course she has sent Hellaa photo too. We are going to have pocket leather cases made for thephotographs, so that we can take them with us wherever we go. But weshall have to wait until after the holidays because Hella has lost hermoney, and nearly all mine was used up in paying the excess fares. And such a leather case will cost 3 crowns. Father has some untearabletransparent envelopes, and I shall ask him for two of them. They will doas a makeshift. 

Dora's matriculation is to-morrow, she's quite nervous about it althoughshe is very well up in all the subjects. But she says it's so easy tomake mistakes. But Father is quite unconcerned, though last year he wasvery much bothered about Oswald, and poor dear Mother was frightfullyanxious: "Pooh, " said Oswald, "I shall soon show them that there's noneed to bother; all one wants at the metric is _cheek_, that's the wholesecret!" And then all he telegraphed was "durch" [through] andpoor Mother was still very anxious, and thought that it might mean_durchgefallen_ [failed]. But of course it really meant _durchgekommen_[passed], for meanwhile the second telegram had come. And father hadbrought two bottles of champagne to Rodaun, ready to celebrate Oswald'sreturn. There won't be anything of the sort after Dora's matriculationbecause Mother is not with us any more; oh it does make me so miserablewhen I think that 2 1/2 months ago she was still alive, and now -- -- --. 

July 9th. This morning, while Dora was having her exam (she passed withDistinction), I went to the cemetery quite alone. I told Aunt Dora I wasgoing shopping with Hella and her mother, and I told Hella I was goingwith Aunt, and so I took the tram to Potzleinsdorf and then walked tothe cemetery. People always ought to go to the cemetery alone. Therewas no one in the place but me. I did not dare to stay long, for Iwas afraid I should be home late. It's a frightfully long way toPotzleinsdorf, and it always seems so much further when one is alone. And when I came away from the cemetery I took a wrong turning and foundmyself in a quite deserted street near the Turkenschanze. That sort ofthing is very awkward, and for a long time there was simply no one ofwhom I could ask the way. Then by good luck an old lady came along, andshe told me I had only to take the next turning to get back to the tramline. And just as I did get there a Potzleinsdorf car came along, soI got in and reached home long before Dora. But in the afternoon Hellanearly gave me away, quite unintentionally. But since they were alltalking about the matriculation I was able to smooth it over. Now thatDora has finished her matriculation she will have to tell me a greatdeal more about _certain things_; she promised she would. Before thematriculation she was always so tired because of the frightful grind, but that is over now, and I never do any work in the holidays. Whatare holidays for? Frau Doktor Dunker has really given me only aSatisfactory, it's awfully mean of her; and I shall have to learn from_her_ for three years more! Nothing will induce me to bother myselfabout French now, for she has a down on me, and when one's teacher has adown on one, one can work as hard as one likes and it's no good. It wasso different with Frau Doktor M. !! I have just been looking at her photoso long that my eyes are positively burning; but I had to write up aboutto-day: even when one had been stupid once or twice, she never cast itup against one, never, never, never -- -- the sweet angel!

July 10th. We are going to F. To-morrow; I am so glad. It is frightfullydull to-day, for Hella went away yesterday to Berchtesgaden where sheis to stay for 6 weeks, and on the way back she is going to Salzburg andperhaps Aunt Dora will take me to Salzburg for 2 days so that we can seeone another again before Hella goes to Hungary. She is lucky! I can't goto K-- M-- this year, for we are going to stay in F. Till the middle ofSeptember. I got my name day presents to-day because they are things forthe journey: a black travelling satchel with a black leather belt, andhalf a dozen mourning handkerchiefs with a narrow black border, andan outfit for pokerwork, and a huge bag of sweets for the journey fromHella. The world is a wretched place without Hella. I do hope we shallmarry on the same day, for Mother always used to say: "The most ardent_girl_ friendships are always broken up when one of the two marries. " Isuppose because the other one is annoyed because she has not married. I wonder what it will be like at Frau Doktor M. 's wedding! and I wonderwhether she knows about _everything_; very likely not, but if not Isuppose her mother will tell her all about it before she is married. Dora told me yesterday that Mother had once said to her: "A girl alwaysgets all sorts of false ideas into her head; the reality is quitedifferent. " But that is not so in our case, for we really knoweverything quite precisely, even to the fact that you have to take offevery stitch; oh dear, I shall never forget it!--Oswald is coming to F. On the 20th, for first he is going to Munich for a few days. 

July 12th. It's lovely here; mountains and mountains all round, andwe're going to climb them all; oh, how I am enjoying myself! I simplycan't keep a diary; it will have to be a weekary. For I must write toHella at least every other day. We are staying in the Edelweiss boardinghouse; there are about 40 visitors, at least that's what we counted atdinner. There is a visitors' list hanging up in the hall, and I muststudy it thoroughly. The journey was rather dull, for Dora had afrightful headache so we could not talk all through the night. I stoodin the corridor half the night. At one place in Salzburg there was afrightful fire; no one was putting it out, so I suppose no one knewanything about it. The boarding house is beautifully furnished, carpetseverywhere; there are several groups of statuary in the hall. We areawfully pleased with everything. There are 4 courses at dinner and twoat supper. Flowers on every table. Father says we must wait and seewhether they change them often enough. Father has a new tweed suit whichbecomes him splendidly for he is so tall and aristocratic looking. Wehave coats and skirts made of thin black cotton material and black laceblouses, and we also have white coats and skirts and white blouses, and light grey tweed dresses as well. For Father is really quite right:"Mourning is in your _heart_, not in your _dress_. " Still, for thepresent, we shall wear black, but we have the white things in case itgets frightfully hot. To-day, on a cliff quite near the house, we pickeda great nosegay of Alpine roses. Dora has brought Mother's photo withher and has put the flowers in front of it; unluckily I forgot to bringmine. I should like to go to the top of the Wildeck or one of the othermountains. It would be lovely to pick Edelweiss for oneself. But Fathersays that mountaineering is not suited to our ages. The baths herealways seem very cold, only about 54 or 60 degrees at most. Dr. Kleinsaid we should only bathe when the water is quite warm. But apparentlythat won't be often. We have not made any acquaintances yet, but I likethe look of the two girls wearing Bosnian blouses at the second tablefrom ours. Perhaps we shall get to know them. One plan has come tonothing. I wanted to talk to Dora in the evenings about all sorts of_important_ things, but it is impossible because Aunt Dora shares ourroom. Here's another tiresome thing; Father's room has a lovely verandalooking on to the promenade, while our room only looks into the garden. Of course the view is lovely, but I should have liked Father's room muchbetter, only it is a great deal too small for three persons; there isonly one bed and its furniture is of a very ancient order. I do hatethat sort of furniture; the lady who keeps the boarding house calls it_Empire!!_ I don't suppose she can ever have seen a room furnished inreal Empire style. 

July 15th. When Dora and I were out for a walk yesterday she told mea great deal about Aunt Dora. I never really knew before whether UncleRichard was employed in the asylum or whether he was a patient there;but he is a patient. He has spinal disease and is quite off his headand often has attacks of raving madness. Once before he was sent to theasylum he tried to throttle Aunt Dora, and _in another respect_ he didher a _frightful lot of harm!!!_ I don't quite understand how, for AuntDora has never had any children. And why on earth do they make such asecret about Uncle Richard? But when I come to think of it, no one everwanted to talk about Mother's illness. There's no sense in this secrecy, for in the first place that always makes one think about things, andsecondly one always finds out in the long run. At last Aunt Dora was soterribly afraid of Uncle that she always kept the door of her bedroomlocked. It must be awful to have a husband who is a raging maniac. Father once said to Dora: your Aunt Dora is enough to drive one mad withher whims and fancies. Of course he didn't mean that literally, but Imust watch carefully to find out what Aunt really does to annoy anyoneso much. Most likely it is something connected with _this matter_. To mymind Aunt Alma has many more whims and fancies, and yet Uncle Franz hasnever gone raving mad. Dora says that Uncle Richard may go on livingfor another 20 years, and that she is frightfully sorry for Aunt Dorabecause she is tied to such a monster. Why tied? After all, he is inan asylum and can't do her any harm. Dora didn't know about all thisbefore, Aunt only told her after Mother's death. Dora thinks it isbetter not to marry at all, unless one is _madly in love_ with a man. And then only by a _marriage contract!!_ In that case _that_ would beexcluded. But I always imagined a marriage contract was made becauseof a dowry and money affairs generally; and never thought of its having_such_ a purpose. Frau Mayer, whom we met in the summer holidays twoyears ago, had married under such conditions. But it puzzles me, for if_that_ is what men chiefly want when they marry, I don't see how anyman can be satisfied with a marriage contract. There must be a mistakesomewhere. Perhaps it is different among the Jews, for the Mayers wereJews. 

July 21st. No, I never should have thought that Hella would proveto have been right in that matter. I got a letter 8 pages long fromAnneliese to-day. That time when Hella had to stay at home for five daysshe believed that Anneliese would make fresh advances. But obviously shewas afraid. So now she has written to me: My own dear Rita! You are theonly friend of my life; wherever I go, all the girls and everybody likesme, and only you have turned away from me in anger. What harm did I doyou -- -- --? After all, she did do me some harm; for there might havebeen a fine row if it had not been for Frau Doktor M. , that angel inhuman form! She writes she is so lonely and so unhappy; she is with hermother at the Gratsch Hydropathic near Meran or Bozen, I forget which, Imust look it up _if_ I answer her. For I gave my word of honour to Hellathat I would never forgive the "innocent child. " But after all, towrite an answer is mere ordinary politeness, and is far from meaninga reconciliation, and still less a friendship. She says that there areabsolutely no girls in Gratsch, only grown-up ladies and old gentlemen, the youngest is 32! brr, I know I should find it deplorably dull myself. So I really will write to her, but I shall be exceedingly reserved. Shefinishes up with: Listen to the prayer of an unhappy girl and do notharden your heart against one who has always loved you truly. That isreally very fine, and Anneliese always wrote the best compositions; FrauDoktor M. Used often to praise them and to speak of her excellent style, but later she really did not like her at all. She often told her sheought not to be so affected, or she would lose the power of expressionfrom sheer affectation. I shall not write to her immediately, but onlyafter a few days, and, as I said, with _great_ reserve. 

July 23rd. I got to know the two girls to-day, their names are Olga andNelly, one is 15 and the other 13; I don't know their surname yet, butonly that they have a leather goods business in Mariahilferstr. Theirmother's hair is quite grey already, their father is not cominguntil August 8th. We have arranged to go for a walk at 4 o'clock thisafternoon, to Brennfelden. 

July 26th. I have made up my mind to write every day before dinner, for after dinner we all go with our hammocks into the wood. After allI wrote to Anneliese three days ago, without waiting, so as not tokeep her on tenterhooks. I have not written anything to Hella about itbecause I don't know how Anneliese will answer. Hella says she is havinga royal time in Innichen; but the tiresome thing does not say justwhat she means by royal; she wrote only a bare 3 sides including thesignature so of course I did not write to her as much as usual. 

July 27th. Dora is not very much taken with the Weiners; she thinks theyare frightfully stuck up. She says it's not the proper thing to weargold bracelets and chains in the country, above all with peasantcostume. Of course she is right, but still I like the two girls verymuch, and especially Olga, the younger one; Nelly puts on such airs;they go to a high school too, the Hietzinger High School; but Olga hasonly just got into the Second while Nelly is in the Fifth. Dora saysthey will never set the Danube on fire. No matter, leave it to others todo that. We enjoyed ourselves immensely on our walk. I'm going to spendthe whole day with them to-day. Father says: "Don't see too much ofthem; you'll only get tired of them too soon. " I don't believe that willhappen with the Weiners. 

July 29th. It's my birthday to-morrow. I wonder what my presents willbe. I've already had one of them before we left Vienna, 3 pairs ofopenwork stockings, Aunt Dora gave them to me, exquisitely fine, and myfeet look so elegant in them. But I must take frightful care of them andnot wear them too often. Aunt says: "Perhaps now you will learn to giveup pulling at your stockings when you are doing your lessons. " As if Iwould do any lessons in the holidays. 

LAST HALF-YEAR, AGE FOURTEEN AND A HALF

LAST HALF-YEAR

July 30th. Thank goodness this is my 14th!!! birthday; Olga thought thatI was 16 or at least 15; but I said: No thank you; to _look_ like 16 is_quite_ agreeable to me, but I should not like to _be_ 16, for afterall how long is one young, only 2 or 3 years at most. But as to feelingdifferent, as Hella said she did, I really can't notice anything of thekind; I am merely delighted that no one, not even Dora, can now call mea _child_. I do detest the word "child, " except when Mother used to say:"My darling child, " but then it meant something quite different. I likeMother's ring best of all my birthday presents; I shall wear it foralways and always. When I was going to cry, Father said so sweetly:"Don't cry, Gretel, you must not cry on your 14th!! birthday, that wouldbe a fine beginning of _grown-upness!_" Besides the ring, Father gave mea lovely black pearl necklace which suits me perfectly, and is at thesame time so cool; then Theodor Storm's _Immensee_, from Aunt Dora theblack openwork stockings and long black silk gloves, and from Dora adark grey leather wristband for my watch. But I shan't wear that untilwe are back in Vienna and I am going to school again. Grandfather andGrandmother sent fruit as usual, but nothing has come from Oswald. Hecan't possibly have forgotten. I suppose his present will come later. Father also gave me a box of delicious sweets. At dinner Aunt Dora hadordered my favourite chocolate cream cake, and every one said: Hullo, why have we got a Sunday dish on a weekday? And then it came out that itwas my birthday, and the Weiner girls, who knew it already, told most ofthe other guests and nearly everyone came to wish me many happy returns. Olga and Nelly had done so in the morning, and had given me a hugenosegay of wild flowers and another of cut flowers. This afternoon weare all going to Flagg; it is lovely there. 

Evening: I must write some more. We could not have the expedition, because there was a frightful thunderstorm from 2 to 4 o'clock. Butwe enjoyed ourselves immensely. And I had another adventure: As I wasleaving the dining-room in order to go to the . . . . , I heard a voicesay: May I wish you a happy birthday, Fraulein? I turned round, andthere behind me stood the enormously tall fair-haired student, whom Ihave been noticing for the last three days. "Thank you very much, it'sawfully kind of you, " said I, and wanted to pass on, for I really had togo. But he began speaking again, and said: "I suppose that's only ajoke about your being 14. Surely you are 16 to-day?" "I am both glad andsorry to say that I am not, said I, but after all everyone is as oldas he seems. Please excuse me, I really must go to my room, " said Ihurriedly, and bolted, for otherwise -- -- -- --!! I hope he did notsuspect the truth. I must write about it to Hella, it will makeher laugh. She sent me a lovely little jewel box with a view ofBerchtesgaden packed with my favourite sweets, filled with brandy. Inher letter she complains of the "shortness of my last letter. " I mustwrite her a long letter to-morrow. At supper I noticed for the firsttime where "Balder" sits; that's what I call him because of his lovelygolden hair, and because I don't know his real name. He is with an oldgentleman and an old lady and a younger lady whose hair is like his, butshe can't possibly be his sister for she is much too old. 

July 31st. The family is called Scharrer von Arneck, and the father isa retired member of the Board of Mines. The young lady is really hissister, and she is a teacher at the middle school in Brunn. I found allthis out from the housemaid. But I went about it in a very cunning way, I did not want to ask straight out, and so I said: Can you tell mewho that white-haired old gentleman is, he is so awfully like myGrandfather. (I have never see my Grandfather, for Father's Father hasbeen dead 12 or 15 years, and Mother's Father does not live in Viennabut in Berlin. ) Then Luise answered: "Ah, Fraulein, I expect you meanHerr Oberbergrat Sch. , von Sch. But I expect Fraulein's Grandfather isnot quite so grumpy. " I said: "Is he so frightfully grumpy then?" Andshe answered: "I should think so; we must all jump at the word go orit's all up with us!" And then one word led to another, and she toldme all she knew; the daughter is 32 already, her name is Hulda and herfather won't let her marry, and the _young gentleman_ has left homebecause his father pestered him so. He is a student in Prague, and onlycomes home for the holidays. It all sounds very melancholy, and yet theylook perfectly happy except the daughter. By the way, it's horrid forthe Weiners; Olga is 13 and Nelly actually 15, and their mother is oncemore -- -- -- -- I mean their mother is in an i-- c--. They are both ina frightful rage, and Nelly said to me to-day: "It's a perfect scandal;"they find it so awkward going about with their mother. I can't say I'dnoticed anything myself; but they say it has really been obvious for along time; "_the happy event!!_ will take place in October, " said Olga. It really must be very disagreeable, and I took a dislike to Frau W. From the first. I simply can't understand how such a thing can happenwhen people are so old. I'm awfully sorry for the two Weiner girls. Something of the same sort must have happened in the case of the Schs. , for Luise has told me that the young gentleman is 21 and his sister not32 but 35, she had made a mistake; so she is 14 years older, appalling. I'm awfully sorry for her because her father won't let her marry, orrather would not let her marry. I'm sure Father would never refuse ifeither of us wanted to marry. I have written all this to Hella; I missher dreadfully, for after all the Weiner girls are only strangers, and Icould _never_ tell my secrets to Dora, though we are quite on good termsnow. Oswald is coming to-morrow. 

August 1st. A young man has a fine time of it. He comes and goes when helikes and where he likes. A telegram arrived from Oswald to-day, saying he was not coming till the middle of August: Konigsee, Watzmann, glorious tramp. Letter follows. Father did not say much, but I fancyhe's very much annoyed. Especially just now, after poor Mother's death, Oswald might just as well come home. Last year he was so long awayafter matriculation, quite alone, and now it's the same this year. Onepleasure after another like that is really not the thing when one'sMother has been dead only three months. The day after we came here andbefore we had got to know anyone, I went out quite early, at half past8, and went alone to the cemetery. It is on the slope of the mountainand some of the tombstones are frightfully old, in many cases one can'tdecipher the inscriptions; there was one of 1798 in Roman figures. I saton a little bank thinking about poor Mother and all the unhappiness, and I cried so terribly that I had to bathe my eyes lest anyone shouldnotice it. I was horribly annoyed to-day. A letter came from Aunt Alma, she wants to come here, we are to look for rooms for her, to see if wecan find anything suitable, Aunt Alma always means by that very cheap, but above all it must be in a private house; of course, for a boardinghouse would be far too dear for them. I do hope we shan't find_anything_ suitable, we really did not find anything to-day, for a stormwas threatening and we did not go far. I do so hope we shall have nobetter success to-morrow; for I really could not stand having Marinahere, she is such a spy. Thank goodness Aunt Dora and Dora are both verymuch against their coming. But Father said: That won't do girls, she'syour aunt, and you must look for rooms for her. All right, we can _lookfor them_; but seeking and finding are two very different things. 

August 2nd. This morning we went out early to look for the rooms, andsince Dora always makes a point of finding what's wanted, she managedto hunt up 2 rooms and a kitchen, though they are only in a farm. Thesummer visitors who were staying there had to go back suddenly to Viennabecause their grandmother died, and so the rooms are to let very cheap. Dora wrote to Aunt directly, and she said that we shall all be delightedto see them, which is a downright lie. However, I wrote a P. S. In whichI sent love to them all, and said that the journey was scandalouslyexpensive; perhaps that may choke them off a bit. Owing to this sillyrunning about looking for rooms I saw nothing of the Weiners yesterdayafternoon or this morning, and of course nothing of God Balder either. And at dinner we can't see the Scharrers' table because they have atable in the bay window, for they have come here every year for the last9 years. I'm absolutely tired out, but there's something I must write. This afternoon the Weiners and we went up to Kreindl's, and SiegfriedSch. Came with us, for he knows the Weiners, who have been here everyyear for the last 3 years. He talked chiefly to Dora, and that annoyedme frightfully. So I said not a word, but walked well behind the others. On the way home he came up to me and said: "I say, Fraulein Grete, areyou always so reserved? Your eyes seem to contradict the idea. " I said:"It all depends on my mood, and above all I hate forcing myself on anyone. " "Could you not change places at table with your mother?" "In thefirst place, she is not my Mother, who died on April 24th, but my Aunt, and in the second place, why do you say that to _me_, you had bettersay it to my sister!" "Don't be jealous! There's no reason for _that_. I can't help talking to your sister when we're in company; but I canassure you that you have no occasion whatever to be jealous. " I wishI knew how I could manage that change of places, but I always sitnext Father; anyhow I would not do it directly; next week at soonest. Farewell, my Hero Siegfried, sleep sweetly and dream of -- --. 

August 3rd, Anneliese wrote to me: "You heart of gold, so you are ableto forgive my sins of youth? The world shines with a new light since Ireceived your letter. " I don't know that my letter was so forgiving asall that, for all I said was that I was very sorry she was so lonely inGratsch, and that we could not alter the past, so we had better buryit. She sends me a belated birthday greeting (last winter we told oneanother when our birthdays were), and she sends me a great pressedforget-me-not. She waited to answer until it had been pressed. I don'tknow quite what I had better do. Big Siegfried could no doubt give mevery good advice, but I can't very well tell him the whole story, forthen I should have to tell him why we quarrelled, and that would beawful. I had better write to Hella before I answer. I must write to-day, for it will be quite three days before I can get an answer, and then1 or two days more before Anneliese gets the letter, so that will be 5days at least. It is raining in torrents, so it is very dull, forFather won't let us sit in the hall alone; I can't think why. Generallyspeaking Father's awfully kind, quite different from other fathers, butthis is really disgusting of him. I shall lie down on the sofa afterdinner and read _Immensee_, for I've not had a chance before. 

August 6th. Well, the whole tribe arrived to-day; Marina in a dust-greycoat and skirt that fits her abominably, and Erwin and Ferdinand;Ferdinand is going through the artillery course in Vienna, at theNeustadt military academy; he's the most presentable of the lot. Unclewas in a frightful temper, growling about the journey and about thehandbaggage, I think they must have had 8 or 10 packages, at least Ihad to carry a heavy travelling rug and Dora a handbag of which shesaid that it contained the accumulated rubbish of 10 years. Aunt Alma'sappearance was enough to give one fits, a tweed dress kilted up sohigh that one saw her brown stockings as she walked, and a hat like ascarecrow's. When I think how awfully well dressed _Mother_ always was, and how nice she always looked; of course Mother was at least 20 yearsyounger than Aunt Alma, but even if Mother had lived to be 80 she wouldnever have looked like _that_. Thank goodness, on the way from thestation we did not meet any one, and above all we did not meet _him_. For once in a way they all came to dinner at our boarding house. Wehad two tables put together, and I seized the opportunity to change myplace, for I offered Aunt Alma the place next Father and seated myselfbeside the lovely Marina, exactly opposite -- -- --! Anyway, Marinalooked quite nice at dinner, for her white blouse suits her very well, and she has a lovely complexion, so white, with just a touch of pink inthe cheeks. But that is her only beauty. The way she does her hair ishideous, parted and brushed quite smooth, with two pigtails. I've giventhem up long ago, though everyone said they suited me very well. But"snails" suit me a great deal better. _He_ looked across at me the wholetime, and Aunt Alma said: "Grete is blossoming out, I hope there's nota man in the case already. " "Oh no, " said Father, "country air does hersuch a lot of good, and when I take the children away for a change Idon't forbid any innocent pleasures. " My darling Father, I had to keep atight hand on myself so as not to kiss him then and there. They wereall so prim, with their eyes glued to their plates as if they had nevereaten rum pudding before. It is true that Ferdinand winked at Marina, but of course she noticed nothing. They soon put away their first helps, and they all took a second, and then they went on talking. When we wentto our rooms I knocked at Father's door and gave him the promised kissand said: "You really are a jewel of a Father. " "Well, will you, if youplease, be a jewel of a daughter, and keep the peace with Marina andthe others?" I said: "Oh dear, I simply can't stand her, she's such ahumbug!" "Oh well, " said Father, "it may be a pity, but you know onecan't choose one's parents and one's relations. " "I would not havechosen any different parents, for we could not have found another Fatherand another Mother like you. " Then Father lifted me right up into theair as if I had still been a little girl, saying: "You are a littletreasure, " and we kissed one another heartily. I really do like Fatherbetter than anyone in the world; for the way I like Hella is quitedifferent, she is my friend, and Dora is my sister; and I like Aunt Doratoo, and Oswald _if_ I ever see him again. 

August 8th. Oh, I am so furious! To-day I got a postcard from Hella, with nothing on it but "Follow your own bent, with best wishes, yourM. " When we write postcards we always use a cipher which no one else canunderstand, so that M. Means H. It's a good thing no one can understandit. Of course I wrote to Anneliese directly, and was most affectionate, and I sent a postcard to Hella, in our cipher, with nothing more than:Have done so, with best wishes, W. Not even _your_ W. I do wonder whatshe will do. Hero Siegfried was lying with us to-day in the hayfield, and what he said was lovely. But I can't agree that all fathers _withoutexception_ are tyrants. I said: "_My_ Father isn't!" He rejoined: "Not_yet_, but you will find out in time. However, anyone with a characterof his own won't allow himself to be suppressed. I simply broke with myOld Man and left home; there are other technical schools besides the onein Brunn. And since you say not _all_ fathers; well just look at Hulda;whenever anyone fell in love with her the Old Man marred her chance, forno one can stand such tutelage. " "Tutelage, what do you mean, " said I, but just at that moment everyone got up to go away. To-morrow perhaps, poor persecuted man. 

August 9th. Oh dear, it's horrible if it's all really true what Hellawrites about being infected; an eruption all over the body, that is themost horrible thing in the world. I must tear up her letter directly, and since she could not write 8 whole pages in our cipher, I must_absolutely destroy_ it, so that no one can get hold of a fragment ofit. Above all now that Marina is here, for you never can tell -- -- --. But I know what I'll do; I'll copy the letter here, even if it takes 2or 3 days. She writes:

Darling Rita, what did you say when you got yesterday's postcard. If youwere angry, you must make it up with me. Consort with whom you pleaseand write to whom you please; but all the _consequences_ be on yourown head. Father always says: Beware of red hair! And I insist that the"innocent child" has _foxy red_ hair. But you can think what you like. 

Now I've got something much more important to tell you. But you mustpromise me dirst that you will tear up my letter directly you have readit. Otherwise please send it back to me _un_read. 

Just fancy. Here in B. There is a young married woman living with hermother and her cousin, a girl who is studying medicine; they are Polesand I have always had an enthusiastic admiration for the Poles. Theyoung wife has got a divorce from her husband, for she was _infected_ byhim on the _wedding night_. Of course you remember what being _infected_is. But really it is something quite different from what we imagined. Because of _that_ she got a frightful eruption all over her body and herface, and most likely all her hair will fall out; is it not frightful?Her cousin, the medical student, who is apparently very poor, is thereto _nurse_ her. Our servant Rosa told me about it, she heard of it fromthe housemaid where they have rooms. As you know, one can't talk toLizzi about anything of that kind, and so I did not learn any more;but the other day, when I went to buy some picture postcards, I met thethree ladies. The young wife was wearing a very thick veil, so that onecould see nothing. They were sitting on a bench in the garden in frontof their house, and I bowed in passing, on the way back. They bowed, andsmiled in a friendly way. In the afternoon I had to lie down, for I wasfeeling very bad because of . . . . !! Then I suddenly heard some peopletalking on the veranda just outside my window--the veranda runs allround the house. At first I saw shadows passing, and then they sat downoutside. I recognised the soft voice of the Polish student directly, and I heard her say to the wife of the mayor of J. : "Yes, my unfortunatecousin's experience has been a terrible one; that is because people sellgirls like merchandise, without asking them, and without their havingthe least idea what they are in for. " I got up at once and sat downclose to the window behind the curtain so that I could hear everything. The mayor's wife said: "Yes, it's horrible what one has to go throughwhen one is married. _My_ husband is not one of that sort but -- -- --"And then I could not understand what she went on to say I overheardthis conversation on Thursday. But that's not all I have to tell you. Ofcourse my first thought was, if only I could have a talk with her; forshe spoke about _enlightenment_ and although we are both of us already_very much enlightened_, still, as a medical student, she must know agreat deal more than we do, so that we can learn from her. And since shesaid that girls ought not to be allowed to _run blindly into marriage_, I thought she would probably tell me a little if I went cautiously towork. There was a word which she and the mayor's wife used more thanonce, _segsual_ and I don't know what it means, and I'm sure youdon't know either, darling Rita. She said something about _segsualintimacies_; of course when people talk about _intimacies_, one knowsit has a meaning, but what on earth does segsual mean? It must meansomething, since it is used with _intimacy_. Well, let me get on. OnSaturday there was a party, and the medical student came, and I left myAlpine Songs lying on the piano, and somebody picked it up and turnedover the pages, and the word went round that the person to whom itbelonged must sing something. At first I did not let on, but went outfor a moment, and then came back saying: "I'm looking for my music book, I left it lying about somewhere. " There was a general shout, and everyonesaid: "We've agreed that the person to whom that book belongs has got tosing. " Now I knew that Fraulein Karwinska had accompanied the singing onsuch evenings before. So I said: "I shall be delighted to sing, providedFraulein K. Will accompany me, For you gentlemen play too loud for myvoice. " Great laughter, but I had got what I wanted. We were introduced, and I thought to myself: You will soon improve the acquaintance. OnSunday for once in a way I got up quite early, at half past 6, forFraulein K. Can only go out walking early in the morning since shespends the whole day with her cousin. She sits near the Luisenquelle, so I went there with a book, and as soon as she came I jumped up, said"good-morning, " and went on: "I'm afraid I've taken possession of _your_bench. " "Not at all, " she said, "Do you study on Sundays?" "Oh no, thisis only light reading, " I answered, and I made haste to sit on the book, for in my hurry I had not noticed what it was. But luck was with me. Shesat down beside me and said: "What is it you are reading that you hideso anxiously? I suppose it's something that your mother must not knowabout. " "Oh no, " said I, "we have not brought any such books to thecountry with us. " "I take it that means that you do manage to get themwhen you are in town?" "Goodness me, one must try and learn a littleabout _life_; and since no one will ever tell one anything, one looksabout for oneself to see if one can find anything in a book. " "In theencyclopedia, I suppose?" "No, that's no good, for one can't always findthe truth there. " She burst out laughing and said: "What sort of truthdo you want?" "I think you can imagine very well what sort of things Iwant to know. " Of course one can speak more plainly to a medical studentthan one can to other girls, and she was not in the least disgusted orangry but said: "Yes, it's the same struggle everywhere. " Then I made useof your favourite phrase and said: "Struggle, what do you mean? What Ireally want to know about is being infected. " Then she flushed up andsaid: "Who's been talking to you about that? It seems to me that thewhole town is chattering about my unhappy cousin. You must see that _I_can't tell you that. " But I answered: "If you don't, who will? _You_study medicine, and are seeing and talking about such things all day. ""No, no, my dear _child_ (you can imagine how furious that made me), youare still much too young for _that sort of thing_. " What do you thinkof that, we are too young at 14 1/2, it's utterly absurd. I expect thatreally her studies have not gone very far, and she would not admit it. Anyhow, I stood up, and said: "I must not disturb you any longer, " andbowed and went away; but I thought to myself: "A fig for her and her_studies_; fine sort of a doctor _she_'ll make!" What do you thinkabout it all? We shall still have to trust to the encyclopedia, andafter all a lot of what we can learn there is all right, and luckily weknow most things except the word segsual. Next winter I expect we shallfind it easier than we used to to get to the bookcase in your house. Idon't bow to the silly idiot any more. 

But darling Rita, with regard to the "innocent child, " I don't want toinfluence you in any way, and I shan't be angry with you for preferringan _unworthy_ person to me!!! Faithless though you are, I send you halfa million kisses, your ever faithful friend, H. P. S. I have been 4 dayswriting this letter; tear it up, _whatever_ you do!!!

Now that I have copied the letter, I really can't see why Hella wants meto tear it up. There's nothing so very dreadful in it. But there is onething I shan't be able to do for Hella, to help her in looking up thingsin the encyclopedia. I think I should always feel that Mother wouldsuddenly come in and stand behind us. No, I simply can't do it. 

August 13th. Through that stupid copying I have been prevented writingabout _my own_ affairs, although they are far more important. LastWednesday the Society for the Preservation of Natural Beauties hadarranged a great excursion to Inner-Lahn in breaks. Dora did not wantto go at first, but Father said that if it would give _us_ pleasure, he would very much like to go with us, and Mother would be only toodelighted to see that we were enjoying something once more. And two daysbefore the excursion Dora finally decided that she would like to go;I knew why at once; she thought that by that time all the places wouldhave been taken, and that we should have been told: Very sorry, no moreroom. But luckily she had made a _great_ mistake. For the secretarysaid: With pleasure; how many places shall I reserve? and so we said:7; namely, Father, Dora, and I, Aunt Alma (unfortunately), Marina (veryunfortunately), and the two boys (no less unfortunately). "That willneed an extra conveyance, " replied the secretary, and we thought weshould make a family party. But it was not so: Next Dora sat a gentlemanwhom I had seen once or twice before, and he paid her a tremendousamount of attention. Besides that there were 2 strange gentlemen, Frau Bang and her 2 daughters and her son, who is not quite all there;opposite was Hero Siegfried, a young lady who is I believe going on thestage, the two Weiner girls and their Mother (notwithstanding!!!), thenI, and afterwards Marina, Father, Aunt Alma, and the two boys opposite. I don't know who made up the other break-loads. At 6 in the morning weall met outside the school, for the schoolmaster acted as our guide. I did not know before that he has two daughters and a son who hasmatriculated this year. First of all they held a great review, and thegentlemen fortified themselves with a nip and so did some of the ladies;I did not, for I hate the way in which a liqueur burns one's throat sothat every one, at any rate girls and ladies, make such faces when theyare drinking, that is why I never drink liqueur. I did not care muchabout the drive out, for it was very cold and windy, most of us had rednoses and blue lips; I kept on biting my lips to keep them red, for onelooks simply hideous when one's lips are white or blue, I noticedthat in Dora when we were skating last winter. Father went only on ouraccount, and Aunt Dora stayed at home so that Aunt Alma could go. Marinawears "snails" now, the sight of her is enough to give one fits. Doragets on with her quite well, which is more than I can say for myself. Only when we got out aid I notice that Siegfried's sister, FrauleinHulda, had been sitting next the aspiring actress. She is awfully nice, and many, many years ago she must have been very pretty; she has suchsoft brown eyes, and her hair is the same colour as her brother's; buthe has glorious blue eyes, which get quite black when he is angry, as hewas when he was talking about his father. I should tremble before himin his wrath. He is so tall that I only come up to his shoulder. Fathercalls him the red tapeworm; but that's really not fair. He is very broadbut so thin. In Unter-Toifen we stopped for breakfast, eating thefood we had brought with us; about half an hour; then the schoolmasterhurried us all away, for we had quite 10 miles to walk. The two boysmade a party with other boys, and we five girls, we 2, the 2 Weiners, and Marina, led the way. Aunt Alma walked with a clergyman's wife fromHildesheim, or whatever it was called, and with the schoolmaster's wife. It was _awfully_ dull at first, so that I began to be sorry that Ihad begged Father to let us go. But after we had gone a few miles theschoolmaster's son and three bright young fellows came along and walkedwith us. Then we had such fun that we could hardly walk for laughing, and the elders had continually to drive us on. Marina was quiteunrestrained, I could never have believed that she could be so jolly. One of the schoolmaster's daughters fell down, and some one pulled herout of the brook into which she had slid because she was laughing somuch. I really don't know what time we got to Inner-Lahn, for we wereenjoying ourselves so much. Dinner had been ordered ready for us, and wewere all frantically hungry. We laughed without stopping, for we had allsat down just as we had come in, although Aunt Alma did not want us toat first. But she was outvoted. I was _especially pleased_ to show HeroSiegfried that I could amuse myself very well without him, for he hadfrozen on to the aspiring actress, or she had frozen on to him--I don'tknow which, or at least I did not know _then!_ Since we were sitting allmixed up everyone had to pay for himself, and Father said next day wehad spent a perfect fortune; but that was not in the hotel, it happenedlater, when we were buying mementoes. And I think Dora gave Marina 3crowns, so that she could buy some things too. But Dora never lets onabout anything of that sort. I must say I like her character better andbetter; in those ways she is very like Mother. Well, our purchases wereall packed into two or three rucksacks, and were kept for a raffle inUnter-Toifen on the way back. I must have spent at least 7 crowns, forFather had given each of us 5 crowns before we started, and I still hada lot of my August pocket money left, and now I've got only 40 hellers. After we had had dinner and bought the things we lay about in the forestor walked about in couples. I had curled myself up for a nap when someone came up behind me, and when I sat up this _someone_ put his handsover my eyes and said: "The Mountain Spirit. " And I recognised _his_hands _instantly_, and said: "Hero Siegfried!" Then he laughed likeanything and sat down beside me and said: "You were enjoying yourselfso much this morning that you had not even a glance to spare for me. ""Contrariwise (I've got that from Dora), I never foist myself on anyone, and never _hang around anyone's neck_. " Then he wanted to put his armround my waist (and probably, most probably, he would have kissed me), but I sprang to my feet and called Dora or rather Thea, for before thegentlemen we pretend that we never call one another anything but Theaand Rita. Father says that that is awfully silly, and no longer suitablefor Dora (but of course it was alright for me!), but we keep to ourarrangement. Then he raised my hand to his lips and said: "Don't call!"But Dora came up, and with her the gentleman with the pincenez, who isa doctor of law belonging to the District Court of Innsbruck, and Marinaand one of the young men, and I asked, "I say, when _are_ we going tohave tea?" "Just fancy, she is hungry again already, " they all said, and laughed like anything. And Dora looked _frightfully_ happy. She waswearing an edelweiss buttonhole which she had not been wearing before;in the evening she told me that Dr. P. Had given it her. If possible heis even taller than Hero Siegfried, for Dora is taller than I am and herhead only comes up to his ear. At 3 o'clock the last party came up tothe belvedere, we had got there earlier. The view was lovely. But I mustsay I can enjoy a fine view much better when I am alone, that is withFather or quite a few persons; it is no good when there's such a crowd;each additional person seems to take something more away. In a lovelyplace and at the cemetery one must be alone. For a beautiful viewusually makes one feel frightfully sad, and one ought not to have beenlaughing so much just before, or laugh directly afterwards. If I werealone in Inner-Lahn I'm sure I should become melancholy, for it is sogloriously beautiful there. 

At 4 o'clock, after tea, we started back, for the schoolmaster thoughtthe descent would not take more than two hours and a half, but we neededmore than three. For we were all very tired, and a great many of themhad sore feet, especially Aunt Alma! We had said before, that it wouldbe too much for Aunt; but she had to come with us to take care ofMarina, though Marina enjoyed herself _extremely_ with a Herr Furtner, who is studying mining like Oswald, not in Leoben but in Germany. Onedoes not really find out what a girl is like until one sees how shebehaves with a man, or what she is like when one talks to her about_certain things_; as for the last, of course that's impossible withMarina _since the experience_ we had. But anyhow she is nicer thanone would have thought at first sight. It was lovely on the way home. Driving back from Unter-Toifen we sat quite differently. 

In our break, instead of the Weiners, there were three students fromMunich, they were awfully nice, and we sang all the songs we knew;especially "Hoch vom Dachstein, wo der Aar nur haust, " and "Forelle"and "Wo mein Schatz ist, " were lovely, and the people in two differentbreaks sang together. And then some of them sang some Alpine songs andyodelled till the hills echoed. Two or three of the men in the thirdbreak were rather tipsy and _Hero Siegfried!!_ was one of them. AuntAlma had a frightful headache; it was utterly idiotic for her to come, and we did not know yet what was still to happen. At every house fromwhich a girl had come there was a serenade. And next evening there wasto be a great raffle of the mementoes we had bought, but Father wouldnot let us go to that. 

August 14th. It is desperately dull. I don't know what on earth to do, so I am writing my diary. Besides, I have not written about the row yet. The next afternoon Aunt Alma came just as we were going out and said toFather: Ernst, please let me have a word with you. Now we all know AuntAlma's _let me have a word with you_. In plain language it means: I'mgoing to make a scene. She began: "Ernst, you know I never like thesebig parties with a lot of strangers, for no good can come of them. Still, I made up my mind to go for the sake of the children, and chieflyfor the sake of _your motherless_ children. (Nobody asked her to; andAunt Dora had to stay at home on her account. ) Do you know what sort ofpeople were in our company? That impudent young student whom Gretel isalways running after (did you ever hear anything like it! I should liketo know when I ran after him; I suppose in the wood I put _my_ arm round_his_ waist, and I suppose that it was _I_ who began the acquaintanceon my birthday) and that girl who's training for the stage did not comehome after the excursion till the night was half over. God knowswhere they were! They were certainly no _cleaner_ when they got home. (Naturally, for where could they have had a wash. ) His father gave theyoung blackguard a fine talking to, but of course the girl's mothertakes her side. It would positively kill me to think of _my Marina doinganything of the kind_. " Father was able to get a word in at last: "Butmy dear Alma, what has all this to do with my girls? As far as I knowthese two people weren't in our break, isn't that so girls?" I was gladthat Father turned to _us_, and I said: "Siegfried Sch. And the girldrove in the fourth break, I saw them getting in. And it was toute memechause where he drove and with whom he was driving. " (Of course that'snot true, but I said it was because of Aunt. ) "Such language and sucha tone to your own Father!" Directly she said that Father was in such apassion as I have never seen him in before. "My dear Alma, I really mustbeg you not to interfere with _my_ educational methods, any more thanI ever attempt to interfere in _your_ affairs. " Father said this quitequietly, but he was simply white with rage, and Dora told me afterwardsthat I was quite white too, also from rage of course. Aunt Alma said:"I don't want to prophesy evil, but the future will show who is rightGoodbye. " As soon as she had gone Dora and I rushed to Father and said:"Please Father, don't be so frightfully angry; there's no reason why youshould. " And Father was awfully sweet and said: "I know quite well thatI can trust you; you are my Berta's children. " And then I simply couldnot contain myself, and I said: "No, Father, I really did flirt withSiegfried, and in the wood he put his arm round my waist; but I did notlet him kiss me, I give you my word I did not. And if you want meto I'll promise never to speak to him again. " And then Father said:"Really, Gretel, you have plenty of time yet for such affairs, andeven if that _red-haired rascal_ plays the gallant with you, he is onlymaking himself a laughing-stock. And you don't want that, do you, littlewitch?" Then I threw my arms round Father and promised him _on my wordof honour_ that I would never speak to Siegfried again. For it reallydistresses me very much that he should make himself ridiculous; andthat he should go out walking half the night with that girl; suchshamelessness!

We were so much upset that we did not go for a walk, and of course didnot go to the raffle. But I'm frightfully sorry about those things Ipaid 7 crowns for. I do hope he did not win any of them. 

August 15th. Just a few words more. Early this morning, as I was goingto breakfast, in the corridor I met S. (it's a good thing that is theinitial both of his name and of Strick [rascal] as Father called him)and he said: "Good morning, Fraulein Gretchen. Why weren't you at theraffle? Hadn't you any share?"--"Oh yes, I had bought 7 crowns worth forit, but I had no fancy for the company I should meet. " -- -- Why, whathas taken you all of a sudden? They were the same people as at theexcursion! -- -- -- "Precisely for that reason, " said I, and passed on. I think I gave him what for, for he simply must have understood. Fatheris really quite right, and it is not at all nice to abuse one's parentsto strangers as he is always doing. I could not say a word against myparents to anyone, although I'm often frightfully angry with them; ofcourse not about Mother, for she is dead. But not even about Father;I would rather choke down the greatest injustice. For when we had thattrouble with Aunt Alma about Marina, I was really not in the least toblame, but he scolded me so, even while Aunt Alma was there, so that Ican never forget it. But still, to a stranger, to some one whom I hadonly just got to know, I would never say a word against anyone in ourfamily; though I used to get on so badly with Dora, I never said muchagainst her even to Hella; at most that she was deceitful, and thatreally used to be so, though she seldom is now. 

August 19th. It is so filthyly dull here; I can't bear the word filthy, but it's the only one that's strong enough. Oswald is coming thisevening, at last. Thank goodness. S. Has made several _advances_, but Ihave _ignored_ them. Let him stick to his actress who can go out walkingwith him half the night. I really _should_ like to know where theywent. In the night, I never heard of such a thing! Dora says she took adislike to S. From the first because he -- -- -- -- -- it's an absolutelie! -- -- -- has clammy! hands. It's simply not true, on the contraryhe has such entrancingly cool hands, I'm sure I must know that betterthan Dora. But I've known for a long time that whenever anyone pays_me_ attention Dora is _unsympathetic_, naturally enough. By the way, onSunday I got a charming letter from Anneliese. I must answer it to-day. 

August 22nd. Oswald is awfully nice. He did not forget my birthday, buthe says that at that time he was stoney, in student's slang that meansthat he hadn't any money, and then he could not find anything suitable, but that he will repair the omission as soon as we get back to Vienna. But I don't know what I should like. Oswald is going to stay untilwe all go back to Vienna, and we are making a few excursions _byourselves_. That is really the best way after all. I am not much withthe Weiners now, for we had a little tiff on the big excursion. ButNelly is rather taken with Oswald, so she came twice to our tableto-day, once about a book we had lent her, and once to arrange for awalk. 

August 24th. It is really absurd that one's own brother can think sucha lot of one; but if he does, I suppose he knows. Oswald said tome to-day: "Gretl, you are so smart I could bite you. How you aredeveloping. " I said: "I don't want anyone to bite me, " and he said: "Nordo I, " but I was awfully delighted, though he is only my brother. Hecan't stand Marina, and as a man he finds Dora too stupid; I think he'sright, really. And I simply can't understand Dr. P. , that he can alwaysfind something to talk about to Dora. He has hardly said 10 words to meyet. Still, I don't care. 

August 27th. We went up the Matscherkogel yesterday, and we had a lovelyview. The two boys came, for they had begged their father to let them;but of course Aunt Alma and Marina did not come. Oswald calls Aunt Alma_Angular Pincushion_, but only when Father isn't there, for after allshe is Father's sister. The Weiners wanted to come too, but I saidthat my brother was staying only a few days more, and that this was a"farewell excursion _en famille_. " They were rather hurt, but they havemade me very angry by the way in which they will go on talking about S. In front of me, on purpose, saying that he is engaged or is going tobe engaged to the actress girl against his father's will. What doesit matter to _me_? They keep on exchanging glances when they say that, especially Olga, who is really rather stupid. I am so sad now at timesthat I simply can't understand how I could have enjoyed myself so muchon the big excursion. I'm always thinking of dear Mother, and I oftenwear my black frock. It suits my mood better. 

August 30th. I believe the Schs. Are leaving to-morrow. At least the oldgentleman said to Father the day before yesterday: "Thank the Lord, weshall soon be able to enjoy the comforts of home once more. " That iswhat Hella's grandmother used to say before they came back from thecountry. And to-day I saw two great trunks standing in the passage justoutside Herr Scharrer's room. Oswald thinks the old gentleman charming;well, there's no accounting for tastes. I don't believe he's everspoken to S. , though he is a German Nationalist too, but of a differentsection; Oswald belongs to the Sudmark, and S. Abused that sectionfrightfully when I told him that Oswald belonged to the Sudmark. 

August 31st. He has really gone to-day, that is, the whole family hasgone. They came to bid us goodbye yesterday after supper, and they leftthis morning by the 9 o'clock train to Innsbruck. And his hands are notclammy, I paid particular attention to the point; it is pure imaginationon Dora's part. He and Oswald greeted one another with Hail! That's asplendid salutation, and I shall introduce it between Hella and me. 

September 2nd. The Weiners left to-day too, because people are reallybeginning to stare at their mother too much. When Olga said goodbye tome she told me she hated having to travel with her mother and wheneverpossible she would lag behind a little so that people should not knowthey belonged together. 

September 4th. I never heard of such a thing!! S. Has come back, aloneof course. Everyone is indignant, for he has only come back because ofFraulein A. , the actress girl. But Oswald defends him like anything. This afternoon Frau Lunda said to Aunt Dora: "It's simply scandalous, and his parents certainly ought not to have allowed him to come, even ifthe girl's mother does not know any better. " Then Oswald said: "Excuseme, Frau Lunda, Scharrer is no longer a schoolboy who must cling tohis mother's apron-string; such tutelage would really be unworthy of afull-grown German. " I was so pleased that he gave a piece of his mindto Frau L. , for she is always glaring at one and is so franticallyinquisitive. And _tutelage_ is such an impressive word, S. Used it oncewhen he was speaking of his sister and why she had never married. FrauL. Was furious. She turned to Aunt Dora and said: "Young men naturallytake one another's part, until they are fathers themselves and then theyhold other views. "

September 8th. Thank goodness we are going home the day after to-morrow. It really has been rather dull here, certainly I can't join in the paeanHella sang about the place last year; of course they were not staying inthe Edelweiss boarding house but in the Hotel Kaiser von Oesterreich. It makes a lot of difference _where_ one is staying. By the way, ithas just occurred to me. The young wife who had the eruption after_infection_ can't have been divorced, as Hella wrote me the week beforelast; for her husband has been there on a visit, he is an actor at theTheatre Royal in Munich. So it would seem that actors really are all_infected_; and Hella always says it is only officers! She takes ratheran exaggerated view. 

September 14th. We have been back in Vienna since the 11th, but I havebeen absolutely unable to write, though there was plenty to write about. For the first person I met when I went out on the 11th to fetchsome cocoa which Resi had forgotten, was Lieutenant R. Viktor, _theConqueror!!_ Of course he recognised me immediately, and was awfullyfriendly, and _walked with me a little way_. He asked casually afterDora, but it is obvious that he is not in love with her any more. Andit was so funny that he should not know that Dora had matriculated thisyear and so would not be going to the High School any more. I did nottell him that she intends to go on with her studies, for it is notabsolutely settled yet. 

September 16th. Hella came home yesterday; I am so glad; I greeted herwith: _Hail!_ but she said; "don't be silly, " besides, it's unsuitablefor an Austrian officer's daughter!!! Still, we won't quarrel about itafter 2 months' separation, and _Servus_ is very smart too though notso distinguished. She told me a tremendous lot more about that youngmarried woman; some of the ladies in B. Said that her cousin was _inlove_ with the husband. That would be awful, for then she would getinfected too; but Hella says she did not notice anything, though shewatched very closely during the fortnight he was there. He sang at twoof the musical evenings, but she did not see any sign of it. Lizziis _engaged_, but Hella could not write anything about it, for theengagement is only being officially announced now that they are back inVienna; her fiance is Baron G. He is an attache in London, and she methim there. He is madly in love with her. In August he was on leave, andhe came to B. To make an offer of marriage; that is why they stayed thewhole summer in B. Instead of going to Hungary. Those were the _specialcircumstances_, about which Hella said she could not write to me. I dont see why she could not have told me _that_, I should have kept it tomyself; and after all, Lizzi is 19 1/2 now, and no one would have beensurprised that she is engaged at last. They can't have a great betrothalparty, for Baron G. 's father died in July. Hella is very much put out. Lizzi says it does not matter a bit. 

September 18th. Lizzi's betrothal cards arrived to-day. It must beglorious to send out betrothal cards. Dora got quite red with annoyance, though she said when I asked her: "Why do you flush up so, surelythere's no reason to be ashamed when anyone is _engaged!_" "Really, whyshould you think I am ashamed, I am merely _extremely surprised_. " Butone does not get so red as _that_ from surprise. 

September 19th. School began to-day; unfortunately, for _she_ has gone. And what was the Third is now the Fourth, and that is detestable, to sitin the classroom without _her_. Luckily we have Frau Doktor St. As classmistress, and she is to teach us mathematics and physics once more;Frau Doktor F. , whom we used to call Nutling and the Fifth used to callWaterfall has gone, for she has been appointed to the German High Schoolin Lemberg. For the time being we are sitting in our old place, butHella says we must ask Frau Doktor S. To let us have another seat, forthe memory of the three years when we had Frau Doktor M. Might make usinattentive. That is a splendid idea. In German we have a master, inFrench I am sorry to say it's still Frau Doktor Dunker, whose complexionhas not improved, and in English the head mistress. I am very pleasedwith that, for first of all I like her very much, and secondly I shallbe in her good books from the start because Dora was her favourite. Ofcourse I'm not learning Latin, for it would not interest me now thatFrau Doktor M. Has gone. Oh, and we have a new Religion teacher, forHerr Professor K. Has retired, since he was 60 already. 

September 21st. We have managed it. In the long interval, Hella said toFrau Doktor St. , who was in charge. "Frau Doktor, may we venture to askfor something?" So she said: "What, in the very first week; well, whatis it?" We said we should like to move from the third bench towards thewindow, for we found it very painful to go on sitting where we had satwhen Frau Doktor M. , was there. At first she refused, but after a whileshe said: "I'll see what I can do, if you are really not happy whereyou are. " From 11 to 12 was the mathematic lesson, and as soon as FrauDoktor Steiner had taken her place she said: "This arrangement ofyour seats was only provisional. You had better sit more according toheight. " Then she rearranged us all, and Hella and I were moved to the5th bench on the window side; the two twins, the Ehrenfelds got ourplaces; in front of us is Lohr and a new girl called Friederike Hammerwhose father is a confectioner in Mariahilferstrasse. We are awfullyglad that we have got away from that hateful third bench where _she_used so often to stand near us and lay her hand on the desk. 

September 29th. Professor Fritsch, the German professor, came to-dayfor the first time. He is always clearing his throat and he wears goldspectacles. Hella thinks him _tolerably_ nice, but I don't. I'm quitesure that I shall never get an Excellent in German again. Yesterday thenew Religion master came for the first time, and I sat alone, for Hellabeing a Protestant did not attend. He looks frightfully ill and his eyesare always lowered though he has burning black eyes. Next time I shallsit beside Hammer which will be company for us both. 

October 2nd. We had confession and communion to-day, and since the staffwill not allow us to choose our confessors, I had to go to ProfessorRuppy. I did hate it. I whispered so low that he had to tell me to speaklouder three times over. When I began about the sixth commandment hecovered his eyes with his hand. But thank goodness he did not ask anyquestions about that. The only one of the staff who used to allow us tochoose our confessors was Frau Doktor M. Really, she did not allowit directly but when one ran quickly to another confessional box, shepretended not to notice. The Herr Rel. Prof gives frightfully longpenances; all the girls who went to him took a tremendous time to getthrough. I do hope he won't be so strict over his examinations or Ishall get an Unsatisfactory; that would be awful. October 3rd. Fatherwas so splendid to-day! Aunt Dora must have told him that I askedher not long ago whether Father was likely to marry Frau Riedl, whosehusband died almost exactly the same time as Mother, for Father isguardian to her three children. She was here to-day with Willi, becausehe has just begun going to school. Dora and I talked it over, andshe said that if Father married Frau R. , she would leave home. In theevening when we were at supper, I said: "If only Frau v. R. Was notso ugly. Father, don't you think she's perfectly hideous? And Fatherlaughed so lovingly and said: You need not be anxious, little witch, I'm not going to inflict a stepmother on you. " I was so glad, and so wasDora and we kissed Father such a lot, and Dora said: "I felt sure thatyou would never break your oath to Mother, " and she burst out crying. And Father said: "No, girls, I did not give any promise to your Mother, she would never have asked anything of the kind. But with grown girlslike you it would never do to bring a stepmother into the house. " Andthen I told Father that Dora would have gone away from home, and asfor me, I should certainly have been frightfully upset. For _if_ Fatherreally wanted _to marry_ again _I_ should have to put up with it; and sowould Dora. But Father said once more: "Don't worry, I certainly shan'tmarry again. " And I said: "Not even Aunt Dora?" And he said: "Oh, asfor her -- --" And then he pulled himself up and said: "No, no, not evenAunt Dora. " Dora has just told me that I am a perfect idiot, for surelyI must know that Father is not particularly charmed by Aunt. And thenshe blamed me for having told Father that she would leave home if hewere to marry again. _I am a child_ to whom it is impossible to entrustany secrets!! Now we have been quarrelling for at least three quartersof an hour, so it is already half past 11. Luckily to-morrow is aholiday, because of the Emperor's birthday. But I am so glad to know forcertain that Father is not going to marry Frau v. R I could never get onwith a stepmother. 

October 9th. It's horribly difficult in German this year. In compositionwe are not allowed to make any rough notes, we have to write it straightoff and then _hand it in_. I simply can't. Professor Fritsch is veryhandsome, but the girls are terribly afraid of him for he is so strict. His wife is in an asylum and his children live with his mother. Hehas got a divorce from his wife, and since he has the luck to bea Protestant he can marry again if he wants to. Hella is perfectlyfascinated by him, but I'm not in the least. For I always think of Prof. W. In the Second, and that's enough for me. I'm not going to fall inlove with any more professors. In the Training College, where Marina isnow, in her fourth year one of the professors last year married a formerpupil. I would not do that at any price, marry a former professor, who knows all one's faults. Besides, he must be at least 12 or 20 yearsolder than the girl; and that's perfectly horrible, one might as wellmarry one's father; he would be at least fond of her, and she would atleast know the way he likes to have everything done; but to marry one'sformer professor, what an extraordinary thing to do!

October 15th. I'm frightfully anxious that Hella may have a relapse;she says that nothing would induce her to have a second operation, especially now that -- -- --; she says she would rather die. That wouldbe awful! I did my best to persuade her to tell her mother that she hassuch pain; but she won't. 

October 19th. In November, Hella's father will be made a general andwill be stationed in Cracow. Thank goodness she is going to stay herewith her grandmother until she leaves the Lyz. She will only go toCracow at Christmas and Easter and in the summer holidays. She isfrantically delighted. The good news has made her quite well again. Everyone at school is very proud that there will be a general's daughterin our class. It's true that there is a field-marshal's daughter in theThird, but he is retired. Father always says: Nobody makes any fuss overa retired officer. 

October 22nd. We are so much excited that we've hardly any time to learnour lessons. At Christmas last year some one gave Hella's mother severalof Geierstamm's novels. The other day one of them was lying on thetable, and when her mother was out Hella had a hurried look at it andread the title _The Power of Woman!!!_ When her mother had finishedit, she watched to see where it was put in the bookcase, and now we arereading it. It's simply wonderful! It keeps me awake all night; Signewhom he is so passionately fond of and who deceives him. We cried somuch that we could not go on reading. And Gretchen, the girl, to whomher father is everything; I can understand so well that she is alwaysanxious lest her father should marry that horrid Frau Elise, althoughshe has a husband already. And when she dies, oh, it's so horrible andso beautiful that we read it over three times in succession. The otherday my eyes were quite red from crying, and Aunt said I must be workingtoo hard; for she thinks that Hella and I are studying literaturetogether. Oh dear, lessons are an awful nuisance when one has _such_books to read. 

October 24th. When I look at Father I always think of the novel _ThePower of Woman_; of course leaving Signe out of account. Hella hopesshe'll be able to get hold of some other book, but it's not so easy todo without her mother finding it out, for she often lends books to herfriends. Then there would be an awful row. We certainly don't want toread _The Little Brother's Book_, the title does not attract us; butthere's a novel called _The Comedy of Marriage_, it must be splendid; we_must_ get that whatever happens. 

October 26th. The Bruckners are going to keep on their flat, and Hella'sgrandmother will come and live there; only the Herr _General!!!_ isgoing to C. , and of course Hella's mother too. Lizzi will stay, for sheis taking cooking lessons, since she is to be _married_ in Mid-Lent. 

October 31st. Hella's parents left to-day, she cried frightfully, forshe did so want to go with them. Lizzi was quite unconcerned, for sheis engaged already, and the Baron, her fiance, is coming at Christmas, either to Vienna or Cracow; he does not care which. 

November 4th. Some of the girls in our class were furious in the Germanlesson to-day. One or two of the girls did not know the proper placesfor commas, and Prof. Fritsch hinted that we had learned nothing at allin previous years. We understood perfectly well that he was aiming atFrau Doktor M. , whose German lessons were 10 times or rather 100 timesbetter than Professor F. 's. And on this very matter of punctuation FrauDoktor M. Took a tremendous lot of trouble and gave us lots of examples. Besides, whether one has a good style or not does not depend uponwhether one puts a _comma_ in the right place. The two Ehrenfelds, whotowards the end were awfully fond of Frau Doktor M. , say that we, whowere Frau Doktor M. 's favourites, ought to write a composition without asingle comma, just to show him. That's a splendid idea, and Hella and Iwill do it like a shot if only the others can be trusted to do it too. 

November 6th. This year all the classes _must_ have at least two outingsevery month, even in winter. If that had been decided in the last schoolyear, when Frau Doktor M. Was still there, I should certainly have goneevery time. But this year, when she has left, we can't enjoy it. FrauDoktor St. Is awfully nice, but not like Frau Doktor M. Besides, we gosomewhere with Father every Sunday, Hella comes with us, and Lizzi ifshe likes. As soon as the snow comes we are going to have tobogganingparties at Hainfeld or Lilienfeld. 

December 3rd. Nearly a whole month has passed without my writing, but Imust write to-day! There's been such a row in the German lesson!! We gotback the compositions in which Hella and I, the 2 Ehrenfelds, Brauner, Edith Bergler, and Kuhnelt, had not put a single comma. Nothing wouldhave been found out had not that idiot Brauner put in commas firstand then scratched them out. We had agreed that if the Prof. Noticedanything we would say we had meant to go through them together beforethe lesson, and to decide where to put in commas, but that we had had notime. Now the silly fool has given away the whole show. He is going tobring the matter before the staff meeting. But after all, it's simply_impossible_ to give 6 girls out of 25 a bad conduct mark. 

December 4th. The head mistress came to inspect the German lessonto-day. Afterwards she said that she expected us to make all theknowledge which Frau Doktor M. Had instilled into us for 3 years, thefirm foundation of our further development in the higher classes. In theEnglish lesson she referred to the more restricted use of punctuationmarks in English; and afterwards we 6 _sinners_ were summoned to theoffice. The whole school knew about the trouble and was astonished atour courage, especially the lower classes; the Fifth and the Sixth wererather annoyed that we in the Fourth had dared to do it. The headgave us a terrible scolding, saying that it was an unexampled pieceof impudence, and that we were not doing credit to Frau Doktor M. ThenHella said very modestly: "Frau Direktorin, will you please allow me tosay a word in our defence?" Then she explained that Prof. Fritsch nevermissed a chance of casting a slur upon Frau Doktor M. , not in plainwords of course, but so that we could not fail to understand it, andthat was why we acted as we did. The head answered we must certainly bemistaken, that no member of the staff could ever speak against anotherin such a way we had simply misunderstood Prof Fritsch! But we knowperfectly well how often the Nutling used to say in the Maths lesson:"Don't you know _that_? Surely you _must_ have been taught that. " Theemphasis does it!!!!! The staff meeting is to-morrow, and we were toldto do our best to make amends before the meeting. The 2 Ehrenfeldssuggested that we should write the compositions over again, of coursewith all the commas, and should place them on his desk to-morrow morningbefore the German lesson; but all the rest of us were against this, forwe saw plainly that the head had changed colour when Hella said whatshe did. We shall make the corrections and then we shall all begin newcopybooks. 

December 8th. It is 3 days now since the staff meeting, but not a wordhas been said yet about our affair, and in the German lesson yesterdaythe Prof. Gave out the subject for the third piece of home work withoutsaying anything in particular. I think he is afraid to. Hella has savedus all, for everyone else would have been afraid to say what she did, even I. Hella said: "My dear Rita, I'm not an officer's daughter fornothing;" if _I_ have not courage, who should have? The girls stare at usin the interval and whenever they meet us, though in the office the headsaid to us: "I do hope that this business will not be spread all overthe school. " But Brauner has a sister in the Second and Edith Bergler'ssister is in the Fifth and through them all the classes have heard aboutit. I suppose nothing is going to be said to our parents or somethingwould have happened already. Besides, to be on the safe side, I havealready dropped a few hints at home. And since Dora, thank goodness, isno longer at the school, it is impossible that there can be much fuss. It was only at first that we were alarmed, but Hella was quite rightwhen she said: "I'm sure nothing will happen to us, for _we are in theright_. "

December 15th. A meeting with Viktor!!! Dora and I had gone to do ourChristmas shopping, and we came across him just as we had turned intoTuchlauben. Dora got fiery red, and both their _voices trembled_. Hedoes look fine, with his black moustache and his flashing eyes! And thegreen facings on his tunic suit him splendidly. He cleared his throatquickly to cover his embarrassment, and walked with us as far as theUpper Market-place; he has another six-months furlough because of throattrouble; so Dora can be quite easy in her mind in case she fancied that-- -- -- -- --. When he said goodbye he kissed our hands, _mine as wellas Dora's_, and smiled so sweetly, sadly and sweetly at the same time. Several times I wanted to turn the conversation upon him. But when Doradoes not want a thing, you can do what you like and she won't budge;she's as obstinate as a mule! She's always been like that since she wasquite a little girl, when she used to say: Dor not! That meant: Dorawon't; little wretch! such a wilful little beast!

December 17th. Yesterday we had our first tobogganing party on theAnninger; it was glorious, we kept on tumbling into the snow; the snowlay fairly thick, especially up there, where hardly anyone comes. As wewere going home such a ridiculous thing happened to Hella; she caughther foot on a snag and tore off the whole sole of a brand new shoe. Shehad to tie it on with a string, and even then she limped so badlythat every one believed she had sprained her ankle tobogganing. Her grandmother was frightfully angry and said: "That comes of such_unladylike_ amusements!" Aunt Dora was very much upset, for she hadbeen with us, but Father said: Hella's grandmother is quite an old lady, and in her day people had very different views in this respect. I shouldsay so, _in this respect_, Hella finds it out a dozen times a day, allthe things she must not say and must not do, and all the things whichare unsuitable for young girls! Her grandmother would like to keep herunder a glass shade; but not a transparent one, for she must not be ableto see out, and _no one_ must be able to see _in_. (The last is the mainpoint. )

December 20th. To-day was the last German lesson before Christmas, and not a word more has been said about our affair. Hella has provedsplendidly right. Even Verbenowitsch, who curries favour with everymember of the staff, has congratulated her, and so has Hammer, who isa newcomer and did not know Frau Doktor M. By the way, at 1 o'clock theother day we met Franke; she goes now to a school of dramatic art, andsays that the whole tone of the place is utterly different, she is soglad to have done with the High School. She had heard of the affairwith Prof. F. And she congratulated us upon our _strength of character_, especially Hella of course. She says that the matter is common talk inall the High Schools of Vienna, at least she heard of it from a girl atthe High School for the Daughters of Civil Servants, a girl whose sisteris at the School of Dramatic Art. She is very happy there, but she isannoyed that such an institution should still be called a school; it'snot a _school_ in the least; we would be astonished to see how free theyall are. She is very pretty and has even more figure than she usedto have. She speaks very prettily too, but rather too loudly, so thateveryone turned round to look at us. She hopes that she will be able toinvite us to see her debut in _one year!!!_ I should never be able tostand on a stage before a lot of strangers, I know I would never be ableto get a word out. 

December 21st. Hella is awfully unlucky. The day before yesterday shegot such bad influenza and sore throat that she can't go to Cracow. Shesays she is born to ill luck; this is the second Christmas that has beenspoiled, two years ago the appendicitis operation, and now this wretchedinfluenza. She hopes her mother will come to Vienna, but if so herfather will be left quite alone. And how on earth shall we get on, Christmas without Mother, the first Christmas without Mother. I simplydon't dare to think of it, for if I did it would make me cry. Dora saystoo that it can't be a proper Christmas without Mother. I wonder whatFather will say when he sees Mother's portrait. I do hope the frame willbe ready to-morrow. Hella is especially unhappy because she is not ableto see Lajos. Besides, she is madly in love at the same time with alieutenant of dragoons whom we meet every day and who is a count, andhe is madly in love with her. He knows that her father is a general, forwhen her father went to kiss the Emperor's hand he took Hella part ofthe way with him in the motor, and she was introduced to the lieutenantthen. So now he salutes her when they meet. He is tremendously tall andlooks fearfully aristocratic. But what annoys me with Hella is that she_invariably_ denies it when she is in love with anyone. I always tellher, or if she notices anything I don't deny it. What's the sense of itbetween friends? for example, the year before last she was certainlyin love with the young doctor in the hospital. And in September whenwe came back from Theben with that magnificent lieutenant in the flyingcorps, I made no secret of the fact that I was frantically in love withhim. But she did not believe me, and said: That is not real love, whenpeople don't see one another for months and flirt with others betweenwhiles. That was aimed at Hero Siegfried. Goodness me, at him!! it'sreally too absurd. 

December 22nd. I am so delighted, Frau Doktor M. , at least she is FrauProfessor Theyer now, has written to me. I had sent her Christmas goodwishes, and she sent a line to thank me, and at the same time she wishedme a happy New Year, _she took the lead in this_; it was heavenly. I wasfrightfully annoyed because Dora said that she had done it only to saveherself the trouble of writing again; I'm sure that's not true. Doraalways says things like that simply to annoy me. But her sweet, herdivine letter, I carry it about with me wherever I go, and _her_photograph too. She sent Hella only a card, naturally, for that wasall Hella had sent her. I can quite well fancy Frau Doktor M. As astepmother, that is, not quite well, but better than anyone else. Shewrote so sweetly about Mother, saying that of course I should find thisChristmas less happy than usual. She is certainly right there. We cannone of us feel as if the day after to-morrow is to be Christmas Eve. The only thing that I really enjoy thinking of is the way Father willstare when he sees the portrait. But really in the first years aftersuch a loss one ought not to keep Christmas, for on such days one feelsone's sadness more than ever. 

December 23rd. I have still a frightful lot to do for Christmas, but Imust write to-day. There was a ring at the front door this morning atabout half past 11. I thought it must be Hella come to fetch me, thatshe must be all right again, so I rushed out, tore the door open, prepared to greet Hella, and then I was simply kerblunxed, for there wasa gentleman standing who asked most politely: Is anyone at home? I knewhim in a moment, it was that Dr. Pruckmuller from Fieberbr. MeanwhileDora had opened the drawing-room door, and now came the great proof ofdeceitfulness: She was _not in the least_ surprised, but said: "Ah, Dr. Pruckmuller, I am so glad you have kept your word. " So it was plain thathe had promised her to come, and I am practically sure she knew he wascoming _to-day_, for she was wearing her best black silk apron withthe insertions, such as we only wear when visitors are expected. What ahumbug she is! So I went into the drawing-room too. Then Aunt Dora camein and asked him to supper this evening. Then he went away. All the timehe had not said a word to me, it seemed as if he had not even noticedthat there was such a person as me in the world Not until he wasactually leaving did he say: "Well; Fraulein, how are you?" "Oh well, "said I, "I'm much as anyone can expect to be so soon after Mother'sdeath. " Dora got as red as fire, for she understood. I shall know how totreat him _if_ he becomes my brother-in-law. But that may be a long wayoff; for he lives in Innsbruck, and Father is not likely to allow Dorato marry away to Innsbruck. At dinner I hardly said a word, I was soenraged at this deceitfulness. But there is more to come. At 7, orwhatever time it was, Dr. Pruckmuller turned up. Dora appeared in awhite blouse with a black bow, and had remained in her room till thelast minute so that I might not know what she was wearing. For I hadbelieved she would wear her black dress with the insertions, and so Iwas wearing mine. Oh well, that did not matter. At supper he talked allthe time to Dora, so I purposely talked to Oswald. Then he said that onMarch 1st he was going to be transferred to Vienna. Once more Dora wasnot in the least astonished, so _she must have known all about it!_ Butnow I remember quite well that in October the postman handed me a letterfor her with the Innsbruck postmark. So she was _corresponding withhim openly the whole time_, less than 6 months after Mother's death. It really is too bad! But when I was chattering about the country, shekicked me under the table as a hint not to laugh so frightfully. Andwhen my brother-in-law in spe, oh how it does make me laugh, two orthree years ago, in Goisern I think it was, we used to call Dora Inspe, because she had said of Robert Warth and me: The bridal pair in spe! Andnow she is in the same position. When he went away in the evening I wastrembling lest Father should invite him to the Christmas tree, butthank goodness when Father asked: "What are you doing with yourselfto-morrow, " he answered: "To-morrow I am spending the day with mysister's family, she is married to a captain out Wieden way. " Thankgoodness that came to nothing, for we are not at all in the mood forvisitors, especially the first Christmas without Mother. And if she knew-- -- -- I wish I knew what really happens to the soul. Of course I gaveup believing in Heaven long ago; but the soul must go somewhere. Thereare so many riddles, and they make one so unhappy; in a newspaperfeuilleton the other day I saw the title of a chapter: _The Riddle ofLove_. But _this_ riddle does not make people sad, as one can see byDora. Anyhow, all girls, that is all elder sisters, seem alike in thisrespect. I remember what Hella told me about Lizzi's engagement. It istrue, she had first made his acquaintance in London, not at home; butthere was just the same deceitfulness. What on earth does it mean?Would it not be much more kindly and reasonable to tell your sister_everything_? Otherwise how can anyone expect one to be an ally. Ohwell, _I_ don't care, I'm not going to let my Christmas Eve be disturbedby a thing _like that_; if one can call it a _Christmas Eve_ at all. On Boxing Day, when he is to spend the evening here, I shall tell Hellathat I want to come to her and her grandmother. After all, I am glad shehas stayed in Vienna. 

December 25th. Christmas Eve was _very_ melancholy. We all three gotMother's picture, life size in beautiful green frames, for our rooms. Dora sobbed out loud, and so I cried too and went up to Father and putmy arms around him. His eyes were quite wet; for he adored Mother. OnlyOswald did not actually cry, but he kept on biting his lips. I was soglad that Dr. P. Was not there, for it is horribly disagreeable to crybefore strangers. We _both_ got lovely white guipure blouses, not laceblouses, then Aunt gave me a splendid album for 500 postcards, andshe also gave me an anthology which I had asked for. Brahms' HungarianDances, because Dora would not lend me hers last year because she saidthey were too difficult for me; as if _that_ were any business of hers;surely my music mistress is a better judge; then some writing paperwith my monogram, a new en-tout-cas with everything complete, and hairribbons and other trifles. Father was awfully delighted with Mother'sportrait; of course we had not known that he was getting us life-sizeportraits of Mother, and from the last photograph of the winter beforelast we had quite a small likeness painted by Herr Milanowitz, who is apainter, and who knew Mother very well--in colour of course. And we gota lovely rococo frame to close up; when it is open it looks as if Motherwere looking out of the window. That was _my_ idea, and Herr Milanowitzthought it _most original_. Dora considered it very awkward that hewould not take any money for it, but it made it possible for us to get amuch more elegant frame. After Christmas; for New Year, we are goingto send Herr M. Some of the best cigars, bought with _our own_ money, I wanted to send them for Christmas, but we don't know anything aboutcigars, and we did not want to tell anyone because one can never knowwhether one won't be betrayed and you will be told it is unintentional;but that is not true, for when one betrays anything one has alwayssecretly intended to do so; and then one says it was a slip of thetongue; but one really knows all the time. I can't write down all theextra things that Dora got, only one of them: At 7 o'clock just whenFather was lighting the candles on the tree, a commissionaire broughtsome lovely roses with two sprays of mistletoe interwoven and beneath anosegay of violets -- -- -- of course from Dr. P. With a card, but shewould not let anyone read that. All she said was: "Dr. P. Sendseveryone Christmas greetings; I believe he had really written: _Merry_Christmas, " but Dora did not dare to say _that_. Oh, and Hella gave mea bead bag, and I gave her a purse with the double eagle on it, for shewanted a purse that would have a military look. I never knew anyone withsuch an enthusiasm for the army as Hella; certainly I think officerslook awfully smart; but surely it's going too far when she feels thatother men practically don't exist. The others have to learn a lot, forexample doctors, lawyers, mining engineers, not to speak of studentsat the College of Agriculture, for perhaps these last "hardly count"(that's the phrase Hella is always using); but all of them have to learna great deal more than officers do; Hella never will admit that, andalways begins to talk of the officers of the general staff; as if they_all_ belonged to the general staff! We have often argued about it. Still, I do hope she will get an officer for her husband, of course onewho is well enough off to marry, for otherwise it's no go; for Fathersays the Bruckners have no private means. It's true he always says thatof us too, but I don't believe it; we are not so to say rich, but Ifancy we should both of us have enough money for an officer to be ableto marry us. Anyhow, Dora voluntarily renounces that possibility, _if_she is really going to marry Dr. P. 

27th. Well, I went to Hella's yesterday and stayed till 9, and onChristmas Day she was here. I see that I wrote above that the Bs. Werenot well off; it seems to me to be very much the reverse. We always geta great many things and very nice ones at Christmas and on our birthdaysand name days (of course Protestants don't have these last), but wedon't give one another such splendid things as the Bs. Do. Hella hadbeen given a piece of rose-coloured silk for a dress to wear at thedancing class which must have cost at least 50 crowns, and a lace collarand cuffs, which we had seen at the shop, and it had cost 24 crowns, then she had a gold ring with an emerald, and a number of smaller thingswhich she never even looked at. And to see all the things her sistergot, things for her _trousseau!_ And the Bs. Christmas tree cost 12crowns whilst ours cost only 7, though ours was just as good. So I thinkthat the Bs. Really have plenty of money, and I said to Hella: "You mustbe enormously rich. " And she said: "Oh well, not so rich as all that; Imust not expect to marry an officer on the general staff. Lizzi has donevery well for herself for Paul is a baron and is very well off. He isfrantically in love with her; queer taste, isn't it?" I quite agree, forLizzi has not much to boast of in the way of looks, beautiful fair hair, but she is so awfully thin, not a trace of b -- --, Hella has much morefigure. And if one hasn't any by the time one is 20 one is not likely toget one. 

Something awfully funny happened to-day. Hella asked me: "I say, what'sthe Christian name of that Dr. Who is dangling after your sister?" Thenit struck me for the first time that on his visiting card he only hasDr. Jur. A. Pruckmuller, and then I remembered that last summer, when wefirst made his acquaintance, Dora said, It's a pity he's called August, the name does not suit him at all. Well, we laughed till we felt quiteill, for of course Hella began to sing: "O du lieber Augustin, " andthen I thought of Der dumme August [clown's nickname in circus] and wewondered what Dora would call him. Gusti or Gustel, or Augi, my darlingAugi, my beloved Gusterl, oh dear, we were in fits of laughter. Thenwe discussed what names we should like to have for our husbands, and Isaid: Ewald or Leo, and Hella said: Wouldn't you like Siegfried? But Iput my hand on her mouth and said: "Shut up, or you will make me reallyangry, _that_ is and must remain forgotten. " She said what she wouldlike best would be to have a husband called Peter or Thamian orChrysostomus; then for a pet name she would use Dami or Sosti; and thenshe said quite seriously that she would only marry a man called Egon, orAlexander, or at least Georg. Just at that moment her mother came in tocall us to tea, and she said: "What's an that about Alexander and Georg?You are such dreadful girls. If you are alone together for a coupleof minutes (I had come at half past 2 and the Brs. Have tea at 4, and that's what Hella's mother calls 2 minutes), you begin to talk ofunsuitable things. " Hella was afraid her mother would think God knowswhat, so she said: "Oh no, Mother, we were only discussing what names weshould like our fiances to have. " You ought to have seen how her motherwent on. "That's just it, that when you are barely 15 (I'm not 15 yet)you should have nothing but _such_ things in your heads!" _Such_ things, how absurd. At tea it was almost as dull as it was the other eveningat home; for the Herr Baron was there, that is, they all say Du to oneanother now, for the wedding is to be in February, as soon as it issettled whether the Baron is to stay in London or to be transferred toBerlin. It must be funny to say "Du" to a strange man. Hella says shesoon got used to it, and that she likes Paul well enough. When he bringsLizzi sweets, when he is taking her to the theatre, he always givesHella a box for herself. _Other_ people would certainly not do that, andI know _other_ people who wouldn't accept it. When I got home, Fathersaid: Well, another time I think you'd better stay and sleep at theBrs. , and I said: I did not want to be a killjoy here. And Oswald said:"What you need is a box on the ear, " Father was luckily out of the roomalready and so I said: "_Your_ children, if you ever have any, can bekept in order by boxing their ears till they are green and blue, but youhave no rights over your sisters, Father told you so in Fieberbrunn. ""Oh, I know Father always backs you two up, he has done so from thefirst. " "Please don't draw me into your quarrels, " said Dora, as if shehad been something quite different from me. And then Aunt Dora said: "Ido wish you would not keep on quarreling. " "_I_ didn't begin it, " saidI, and went away without saying goodnight; that is I went to Father'sroom to say goodnight to him and I saw Aunt Dora in the hall, but I_didn't_ say goodnight to Oswald and Dora, for I'm not going to put upwith _everything_. And now it's half past 11 already, for I have beenwriting such a long time, and have cried such a lot, for I'm _very_unhappy. Even Hella doesn't know how unhappy I am. I must go to bednow; whether I shall sleep or not is another question. If I can possiblymanage it, I shall go alone to the cemetery to-morrow. 

31st. Hella and I went to the cemetery to-day. Her father and motherreturned to Cracow yesterday evening, and she told her grandmother shewas going to spend the morning with me, and I said I was going to theBrs. , so we went alone to Potzleinsdorf. Hella went for a walk round thecemetery while I went to darling Mother's grave. I am so unhappy; Hellaconsoles me as much as she can, but even she can't understand. 

January 1, 19--! Of course we did not keep New Year's Eve yesterday, butwere quite alone and it was very melancholy. This morning Dr. P. BroughtDora and Aunt Dora some roses and he gave me some lovely violets as aNew Year's greeting. He is leaving on the 4th, so he is coming hereon the evening of the 3rd. I can't say I look forward to it. To-morrowschool begins thank goodness. I met a dust cart, that means good luck;Father says it is a scandal the way the dirt carts go on all through theday in Vienna, and that one should see one even on New Year's day at 2in the afternoon. But still, if it means _good luck!_

January 2nd. The dust cart did bring good luck. We had a real piece of_luck_ to-day! In the big interval I noticed a little knot of girls inthe hall, and suddenly I felt as if my heart would stop beating. FrauDoktor M. , I should say Frau Professor Theyer, was standing among them, she saw us directly and held out her hand to us so we kissed it. She hascome to visit her parents and _her husband_ is with her; since she didnot know for certain whether she would be able to come to the school shehad not written either to me or to Hella about it. She is so lovely andso entrancingly loveable. When the bell rang for class and Frau DoktorDunker came in I saw that _she_ was still standing outside. So I put myhandkerchief up to my face as if my nose were bleeding, and rushed outto her. And because I slipped and nearly fell, she held out her arms tome. Hardly had I reached her, when Hella came out and said: "Of course Iunderstood directly; I said you were awfully bad, so I must go and lookafter you. " Then the Frau Professor laughed like anything and said: "Youare such wicked little actresses; I must send you back immediately. " Butof course she did not but was frightfully sweet. Then we begged herto let us stay with her, but she said: "No, no, I've been your teacherhere, and I must not encourage you in mischief. But here is a betteridea. Would you like to come and see me to-morrow?" "Rather, " we bothexclaimed. She said she was staying in a hotel, but we must not comealone to a hotel, so she would see us at her parents, in Schwindgasse, and we were to come there at 4 or half past. Then we kissed both herhands and were so happy! To-morrow at 4! Oh dear, a whole night more andnearly a whole day to wait. "If your parents allow you, " she said; asif Father or even Hella's grandmother would not allow _that!_ All Fathersaid was: "All right Gretel, but don't go quite off your head first oryou won't be able to find your way to Schwindgasse. Is Hella as crazy asyou are?" Of course, how can one be otherwise?

January 3rd. Still 2 hours, it's awful, Hella is coming to fetch me athalf past 3. In school to-day we kept on looking at one another, and allthe other girls thought it must be something to do with a man. Goodness, what do we care about a man now! We had a splendid idea, that we hadjust time to make a memento for _her_, since she does not leave untilthe evening of the 5th. I am having traced on a piece of yellow silkfor a book marker an edelweiss and her monogram E. T. , the new one ofcourse. Hella is painting a paperknife in imitation of tarsia mosaic. I would rather have done something of that sort too, but I have nopatience for such work, so I often spoil it before I've finished. Butone can't very well spoil a piece of embroidery. But I shan't get thetracing on the silk back from the shop until half past 3, so I shallhave to work all night and the whole day to-morrow. 

Evening. Thank goodness and confound it, whichever way you like totake it, the idiot at the shop had forgotten about the bookmarker and Ishan't get it until to-morrow morning early. So I'm able to write now:It was heavenly! We had to walk up and down in front of her house forat least half an hour, until at last it was 5 minutes past 4. She was sosweet to us! She wanted to say Sie to us, but we _simply would nothave it_, and so she said Du as she used to. We talked of all sorts ofthings, I don't know what, only that I suddenly burst out crying, andthen she drew me to her b -- --, no, I can't write that about her; shedrew me to herself and than I felt _her heart beating!_ and went almostcrazy. Hella says that I put both my arms round her neck, but I'm surethat's all imagination, for I should never have dared. She has suchfascinating hands, and the _wedding ring_ glistens so on her divinering finger. Of course we talked about the school, and then she suddenlysaid: Tell me what really happened about those compositions, when halfthe class deliberately refrained from putting any punctuation marks. "Oh, " we said, "that is a frightful cram, it wasn't _half_ the class, but only 6 of us who have a special veneration for you. " Then we toldher how it all came about. She laughed a little, and said: "Well, girls, you did not do me any particular _service_. It really was a great pieceof impertinence. " But I said: "Prof. Fritsch's remarks were 10 timesmore impertinent, for they related to another member of the staff, andwhat was worse to you. " Then she said: "My darling girls, that oftenhappens in life, that the absent are given a bad reputation, whetherjustly or unjustly; one is liable to that in every profession. " Hellasaid that the head mistress was not like that or there would have been afrightful row, since the matter had become known in all the High Schoolsof Vienna. Then Frau Doktor M. Said: "Yes, the Frau Direktorin is reallya splendid woman. " Then there came something glorious, or really 2glorious things: (1). She gave us some magnificent sweets, better than Ihave ever eaten before. Hella agrees, and we are really connoisseurs inthe matter of sweets. The second thing, even more glorious, was this:after we had been there some time, there was a knock at the door and incame _her_ husband, the Herr Prof. , and said: "How are you my treasure?"and to us: "Goodday, young _ladies_. " Then she introduced us, saying:"Two of my best-loved pupils and my most faithful adherents. " Then theHerr Prof. Laughed a great deal and said: "That can't be said of allpupils. " So I said quickly: "Oh yes, it can be said of Frau Doktor, thewhole class would go through fire for her. " Then he went away, and shesaid: "Excuse me for a moment, " and we could hear quite plainly that _hekissed her_ in the next room, and then she said as she came in again:"Oh well, be off with you, Karl, goodbye. " It's a pity his name is Karl, it's so prosaic, and he calls her Lise, and I expect when they are alonehe calls her Lieschen, since he is a North German. I must go to bed, it's half past 11 already. To be continued to-morrow. Sleep well, mysweet glorious ecstatic golden and only treasure! God, I am so happy. 

January 6th. Thank goodness to-day is a holiday, and we can't gotobogganing because Dora has a _chill!!!_ I got the bookmarker on the4th, worked at it all day and up till midnight, and yesterday I got upat half past 5, went on working the whole morning, and at 2 o'clock wetook our mementoes to the house. Though we should have liked to givethem to her ourselves, we didn't, but only gave them to the maid. Shesaid: Shall I show you in? but Hella said: "No, thank you, we don't wantto disturb Frau Theyer, and when I reproached her for this she said: Ohno, it was better not; you are quite upset anyhow, you know what _she_said: But my dear child, you will make yourself ill; you must not dothat on _my_ account!" Oh dear, I'm crying so that I can hardly write, but I _must_ write, for there is still so much that's glorious to putdown, things that I must never, never forget, even if it should take mea week to write. The great thing is that I shall simply live upon thismemory, and the only thing I want in life is that I may see _her_ oncemore. Of course we took her some flowers on Friday, I lilies of thevalley with violets and tuberoses, and Hella Christmas roses. She wasdelighted, and went directly to fetch 2 vases which her mother broughtin. She is as small as Frau Richter, and her hair is grey, she ischarming; but she is not in the least like Frau Doktor M. When we saidgoodbye she offered us still more sweets, but since we were both nearlycrying already we did not want to take any more, but she wrapped themnearly all up for us, saying: "To console you in your sorrow. " Fromanyone else it might have sounded ironical, but from her it was simplylovely. There were 17 large sweets, and Hella gave me 9 of them and tookonly 8 for herself. I shall eat only one every day, so that they willlast me 9 days. _Joy and sorrow combined!!_ Hella is not so frightfullyin love as I am, and yesterday she said, in joke of course: "It seems tome that your whole world is foundered; I must pull you out, or you'llbe drowned. " And then she asked me how I could have been so stupid as touse the word _honeymoon_ to _her_, although she hemmed to warn me. She said it really was utterly idiotic of me, and that the Frau Prof. Blushed. I did not notice it myself, but when her _husband_ came in, shecertainly did flush up like anything. Hella and I talked of quite a lotof _other things of that sort_. I should so much have liked to ask herwhether she has given up going to church, for I think the Herr Prof. Really is a Jew, though he does not _look_ like one. For lots of othermen wear black beards. But I did not venture to ask, and Hella thinksit is a very good thing I did not, for one _does not talk about suchthings_. I wonder _whether she will have a baby_? Oh, it would behorrible. Of course she may have entered into a _marriage_ contract, that would have been the best way. However, Hella thinks that theprofessor would not have agreed to anything of the kind. But surely ifhe was frantically in love with her . . . 

January 1 5th. The girls in our class are frantically jealous. We didnot say in so many words that we, alone among them all, had been invitedto see her, but Hella had brought one of the sweets she had given us andin the interval she said: This must be eaten reverently, and she cut itin two to give me half. The Ehrenfelds thought it must have been givenby some acquaintance made at the skating rink, and Trude said: "Doublysweetened, by chocolate and love. " "Yes, " said I, "but not in the senseyou imagine. " And since she said: "Oh, of course, I know all about that, but I don't want to be indiscreet, " Hella said: "I may as well tell youthat Frau Doktor M. , or I should say the _married_ Frau Prof. Theyer, gave us this sweet and a great many more on the day she had invitedus to go and see her. " Then they were all utterly kerblunxed andsaid: "Great Scott, what luck, but you always were Frau Doktor M. 'sfavourites, especially Lainer. But Lainer always courted Frau Doktor M. "

January 17th. The whole school knows about our being invited to see her, the glorious one! I've just been reading it over, and I see that I haveleft a frightful lot out, especially about her father. When we wereleaving, just outside the house door we burst out crying because asI opened the door I had said, For the last time! Just then an oldgentleman came up and was about to go in, and when he saw that we werecrying, though we were standing quite in the shadow, he came up to usand asked what was the matter. Then Hella said: "We have lost out bestfriend. " Then the old gentleman looked at us for a tremendously longtime and said: "I say, do you happen to be the two ardent admirers ofFrau Doktor Mallburg? She is my daughter, you know. And then he said:But you really can't go through the streets bathed in tears like that. Come upstairs again with me and my daughter will console you. " So wereally did go upstairs again, and she was perfectly unique. Her fatheropened the door and called out: Lieserl, your admirers simply can't partfrom you, and I found them being washed out to sea in a river of tears. Then she came out wearing a _rose-coloured dressing-gown!!!_ exquisite. And she led us into the room and said: "Girls, you must not look at mein this old rag, which is only fit to throw away. " I should have likedto say: "Give it to _me_ then. " But of course I could not. And when wemade our final goodbye, perhaps _for ever_, she kissed each of us _twiceover_ and said: Girls, I wish you all the happiness in the world!

January 18th. Hella invited me there to-day, to meet Lajos and Jeno. ButI'm not going, for Jeno does not interest me in the very least. Thatwas not a _real_ love. I don't care for anyone in the whole world excepther, my one and only! Even Hella can't understand that, in fact shethinks it _dotty_. Father wanted me to go to Hella's _to change thecurrent of my thoughts_. Of course I hardly say a word about _her_ toanyone, for no one understands me. But I never could have believed thatFather would be just like anyone else. It's quite true that I'm gettingthin. I'm so glad that we are not going tobogganing to-day because Dorahas a chill, a _real_ chill this time. So I am going to the church inSchwindgasse and shall walk up and down in front of _her_ house; perhapsI shall meet her father or her mother. I wrote to her the day beforeyesterday. 

January 24th. I am so happy. She wrote to me _by return!_ This is thesecond letter I have had from her! At dinner to-day Father said: "Hullo, Gretel, why are you looking so happy to-day? I have not seen you withsuch a sunny face for a long time. " So I answered in as few words aspossible: "After dinner I will tell _you_ why. " For the others need notknow anything about it. And when I told Father vaguely that Frau Prof. Th. Had written to me, Father said: "Oh, is _that_ what has pleased youso much. But I have something up my sleeve which will also please you. February 1st and 2nd are Sunday and Monday, you have 2 days free, and ifyou and Hella can get a day off from school on Saturday we might make anexcursion to Mariazell. How does that strike you?" It would be glorious, if only Hella is allowed to come, for her grandmother imagines that thesore throat she had before Christmas was due to the tobogganing on theAnninger, where the sole was torn off her shoe! As if _we_ could helpthat. Still, by good luck she may have forgotten it; she is 63 already, and one forgets a lot when one is that age. 

Evening. Hella may come; it will be splendid! Perhaps we shall try alittle skiing. But really Hella is a horrid pig; she said: "All right, I'll come, if you'll promise not to be continually talking about FrauProfessor Th. I'm very fond of her too, but you are simply crazy abouther. " It's really too bad, and I shall never mention _her_ name tothe others any more. I am looking forward so to the tobogganing atMariazell. We've never made any such excursion in winter before. Hurrah, it will be glorious! Oh I do wish the 31st of January were here; I'mfrantically excited. 

EDITOR'S NOTE

Rita's joyful expectations of tobogganing among glistening snow-cladhills, remained unfulfilled. The rude hand of fate was thrust into thelives of the two sisters. On January 29th their father, suddenly struckdown with paralysis, was brought home in an ambulance, and died in a fewhours without recovering consciousness. 

Torn from the sheltering and affectionate atmosphere of home, separatedfrom her most intimate friend, the young orphan had to struggle forpeace of soul in the isolation of a provincial town -- -- --