GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERSIn a faithful account of the life and death of John BunyanOrA brief relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to himNamelyIn His taking him out of the dunghill, and converting him to thefaith of His blessed son Jesus Christ. Here is also particularlyshewed, what sight of, and what troubles he had for sin; and also, what various temptations he hath met with, and how God hath carriedhim through them. 

A PREFACE

OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS WORK. WRITTEN BY THEAUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIMWORTHY TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD

Children, Grace be with you. Amen. I being taken from you inpresence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty, that fromGod doth lie upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying andbuilding up in faith and holiness, etc. , yet that you may see mysoul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual andeverlasting welfare, I now once again, as before, from the top ofShenir and Hermon, so now from the lions' dens, from the mountainsof the leopards (Song iv. 8), do look yet after you all, greatlylonging to see your safe arrival into THE desired Haven. 

I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even whileI stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, that thegrace and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which Godhath bestowed upon you, with abundance of faith and love; yourhungerings and thirstings after farther acquaintance with theFather, in the Son; your tenderness of heart, your trembling atsin, your sober and holy deportment also, before both God and men, is a great refreshment to me; For ye are our glory and joy. 1Thess. Ii. 20. 

I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I havetaken out of the carcase of a lion. Judg. Xiv. 5-8. I have eatenthereof myself, and am much refreshed thereby. (Temptations, whenwe meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon Samson; butif we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find anest of honey within them. ) The Philistines understand me not. Itis something of a relation of the work of God upon my soul, evenfrom the very first, till now, wherein you may perceive my castingsdown, and risings up: for He woundeth, and His hands make whole. It is written in the Scripture, Isa. Xxxviii. 19, The father to thechildren shall make known Thy truth. Yea, it was for this reason Ilay so long at Sinai, Lev. Iv. 10, 11, to see the fire, and thecloud, and the darkness, that I might fear the Lord all the days ofmy life upon earth, and tell of His wondrous works to my children. Psalm lxxviii. 3-5. 

Moses, Numb. Xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the children ofIsrael, from Egypt to the land of Canaan; and commanded also thatthey did remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness. Thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led theethese forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to provethee, and to know what was in thine heart, whether thou wouldstkeep His commandments, or no. Deut. Viii. 2. Wherefore this Ihave endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish it also;that, if God will, others may be put in remembrance of what He hathdone for their souls, by reading His work upon me. 

It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind thevery beginnings of grace with their souls. It is a night to bemuch observed unto the Lord, for bringing them out from the land ofEgypt. This is that night of the Lord to be observed of all thechildren of Israel in their generations. Exod. Xii. 42. O my God(saith David), Ps. Xlii. 6, my soul is cast down within me;therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of theHermonites, from the hill Mizar. He remembered also the lion andthe bear, when he went to fight with the giant of Gath. 1 Sam. Xvii. 36, 37. 

It was Paul's accustomed manner, Acts xxii. , and that, when triedfor his life, Acts xxiv. , even to open before his judges the mannerof his conversion: he would think of that day, and that hour, inwhich he first did meet with grace; for he found it supported him. When God had brought the children of Israel out of the Red Sea, farinto the wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, to remember the drowning of their enemies there, Numb. Xiv. 25, forthough they sang his praise before, yet they soon forgat his works. Psalm cvi. 11, 12. 

In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of thegrace of God towards me: I thank God, I can count it much; for itwas above my sins and Satan's temptations too. I can remember myfears and doubts, and sad months, with comfort; they are as thehead of Goliah in my hand: there was nothing to David likeGoliah's sword, even that sword that should have been sheathed inhis bowels; for the very sight and remembrance of that did preachforth God's deliverance to him. Oh! the remembrance of my greatsins, of my great temptations, and of my great fear of perishingfor ever! They bring afresh into my mind, the remembrance of mygreat help, my great supports from heaven, and the great grace thatGod extended to such a wretch as I. 

My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years ofancient times: remember also your songs in the night, and communewith your own Hearts, Ps. Lxxiii. 5-12. Yea, look diligently, andleave no corner therein unsearched for that treasure hid, even thetreasure of your first and second experience of the grace of Godtowards you. Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold uponyou: remember your terrors of conscience, and fear of death andhell: remember also your tears and prayers to God; yea, how yousighed under every hedge for mercy. Have you never a hill Mizar toremember? Have you forgot the close, the milk-house, the stable, the barn, and the like, where God did visit your souls? Rememberalso the word, the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath caused youto hope: if you have sinned against light, if you are tempted toblaspheme, if you are drowned in despair, if you think God fightsagainst you, or if heaven is hid from your eyes; remember it wasthus with your father; but out of them all the Lord delivered me. 

I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptationsand troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and workingof God with my soul: I could also have stepped into a style muchhigher than this, in which I have here discoursed, and could haveadorned all things more than here I have seemed to do, but I darenot: God did not play in tempting of me; neither did I play, whenI sunk as into the bottomless pit, when the pangs of hell caughthold upon me; wherefore I may not play in relating of them, but beplain and simple, and lay down the thing as it was; he that likethit, let him receive it, and he that doth not, let him produce abetter. Farewell. 

My dear Children, The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness. God be merciful toyou, and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess theland. 

JOHN BUNYAN. 

GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERSOR, A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HISPOOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN

In this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, itwill not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words giveyou a hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that therebythe goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advancedand magnified before the sons of men. 

2. For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a lowand inconsiderable generation; my father's house being of that rankthat is meanest, and most despised of all the families in the land. Wherefore, I have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, orof any high-born state, according to the flesh; though, all thingsconsidered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that by this doorHe brought me into the world, to partake of the grace and life thatis in Christ by the gospel. 

3. But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness ofmy parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put meto school, to learn both to read and write; the which I alsoattained, according to the rate of other poor men's children:though, to my shame, I confess, I did soon lose that I had learned, even almost utterly, and that long before the Lord did work Hisgracious work of conversion upon my soul. 

4. As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without Godin the world, it was, indeed, according to the course of this worldand the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience. Eph. Ii. 2, 3. It was my delight to be 'taken captive by the devilat his will, ' 2 Tim. Ii. 26; being filled with all unrighteousness;the which did also so strongly work, and put forth itself, both inmy heart and life, and that from a child, that I had but few equals(especially considering my years, which were tender, being but few)both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name ofGod. 

5. Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that theybecame as a second nature to me; the which, as I have also withsoberness considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in mychildhood he did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, anddid terrify me with fearful visions. For often, after I have spentthis and the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatlyafflicted, while asleep, with the apprehensions of devils andwicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, laboured to draw meaway with them, of which I could never be rid. 

6. Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted andtroubled with the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire;still fearing, that it would be my lot to be found at last amongthose devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with thechains and bonds of darkness, unto the judgment of the great day. 

7. These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or tenyears old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of mymany sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I wasoften much cast down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet couldI not let go my sins: yea, I was also then so overcome withdespair of life and heaven, that I should often wish, either thatthere had been no hell, or that I had been a devil; supposing theywere only tormentors; that if it must needs be, that I wentthither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented myself. 

8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also Isoon forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembranceof them, as if they had never been: wherefore with moregreediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still letloose the reins of my lust, and delighted in all transgressionsagainst the law of God: so that until I came to the state ofmarriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth that kept mecompany, in all manner of vice and ungodliness. 

9. Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh inthis poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious graceprevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternaljustice, but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of thoselaws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face ofthe world. 

10. In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous tome; I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; sothat when I have seen some read in those books that concernedChristian piety, it would be as it were a prison to me. Then Isaid unto God, Depart from me, for I desire not the knowledge ofThy ways. Job xxi. 14, 15. I was now void of all goodconsideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind; andas for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts. O Lord, Thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid from Thee!

11. But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin withthe greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in thevileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any timeseen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would makemy spirit tremble. As once above all the rest, when I was in theheight of vanity, yet hearing one to swear, that was reckoned for areligious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit, that itmade my heart ache. 

12. But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, notnow with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed withmercy. For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escapeddrowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into Bedford river, but, mercy yet preserved me alive: besides, another time, being ina field, with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passedover the highway, so I having a stick in my hand, struck her overthe back; and having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with mystick, and plucked her sting out with my fingers; by which act hadnot God been merciful unto me, I might by my desperateness, havebrought myself to my end. 

13. This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving: When Iwas a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a placeto besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the companydesired to go in my room: to which, when I had consented, he tookmy place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he wasshot in the head with a musket-bullet and died. 

14. Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of themdid awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, andgrew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my ownsalvation. 

15. Presently after this, I changed my condition into a marriedstate, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father wascounted godly: This woman and I, though we came together as pooras poor might be (not having so much household stuff as a dish or aspoon betwixt us both), yet this she had for her part: The PlainMan's Pathway to Heaven and The Practice of Piety; which her fatherhad left her when he died. In these two books I would sometimesread with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhatpleasing to me (but all this while I met with no conviction). Shealso would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, andamong his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in hisdays, both in word and deed. 

16. Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did notreach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yetthey did beget within me some desires to religion: so that becauseI knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of thetimes; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with theforemost; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, asothers did, yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was soover-run with the spirit of superstition, that I adored, and thatwith great devotion, even all things (both the high-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else) belonging to the church;counting all things holy that were therein contained, andespecially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His worktherein. 

17. This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit, that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauchedin his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverencehim, and knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bearunto them (supposing them the ministers of God), I could have laiddown at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; theirname, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me. 

18. After I had been thus for some considerable time, anotherthought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of theIsraelites or no? For finding in the scripture that they were oncethe peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, my soul must needs be happy. Now again, I found within me a greatlonging to be resolved about this question, but could not tell howI should: at last I asked my father of it; who told me, No, wewere not. Wherefore then I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes ofthat, and so remained. 

19. But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evilof sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, whatreligion soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ: nay, Inever thought of Him, or whether there was such a One, or no. Thusman, while blind, doth wander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for he knoweth not the way to the city of God. Eccles. X. 15. 

20. But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) hissubject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil ofbreaking that, either with labour, sports or otherwise. (Now, Iwas, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in allmanner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solacemyself therewith): wherefore I fell in my conscience under hissermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purposeto show me my evil doing. And at that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that I can remember; but then I was, for thepresent, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when the sermonwas ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit. 

21. This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my bestdelights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, itlasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to gooff my mind, and my heart returned to its old course: but oh! howglad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the firewas put out, that I might sin again without control! Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out ofmy mind, and to my old custom of sports and gaming, I returned withgreat delight. 

22. But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, andhaving struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about tostrike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaveninto my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sins and go toheaven, or have thy sins and go to hell? At this I was put to anexceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I lookedup to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of myunderstanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as beingvery hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely threatenme with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodlypractices. 

23. I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, thisconclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did setmy sins again before my face), That I had been a great and grievoussinner, and that it was now too late for me to look after heaven;for Christ would not forgive me, nor pardon my transgressions. Then I fell to musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it, and fearing lest it should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind Iwould go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case be thus, my stateis surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, and butmiserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must beso, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few. 

24. Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that thenwere present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say; having madethis conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and Iwell remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possessmy soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfortthan what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so thaton that I must not think; wherefore I found within me great desireto take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was yet to becommitted, that I might taste the sweetness of it; and I made asmuch haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest Ishould die before I had my desire; for that I feared greatly. Inthese things, I protest before God, I lye not, neither do I feignthis form of speech; these were really, strongly, and with all myheart, my desires: The good Lord, Whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive me my transgressions!

25. And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil ismore usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even toover-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, andbenumbing of conscience, which frame he stilly and slily suppliethwith such despair, that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yetthey continually have a secret conclusion within them, that thereis no hope for them; for they have loved sins, therefore after themthey will go. Jer. Ii. 25, and xviii. 12. 

26. Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as Iwould. This did continue with me about a month, or more; but oneday, as I was standing at a neighbour's shop window, and therecursing and swearing, and playing the madman, after my wontedmanner, there sate within, the woman of the house, and heard me;who, though she also was a very loose and ungodly wretch, yetprotested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate, thatshe was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, that I wasthe ungodliest fellow for swearing, that she ever heard in all herlife; and that I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all the youth inthe whole town, if they come but in my company. 

27. At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; andthat too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, whileI stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heartthat I might be a little child again, that my father might learn meto speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I amso accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of areformation; for I thought it could never be. 

28. But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this timeforward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myselfto observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless Iput an oath before, and another behind, to make my words haveauthority; now I could, without it, speak better, and with morepleasantness than ever I could before. All this while I knew notJesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and plays. 

29. But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor manthat made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talkpleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion;wherefore falling into some love and liking to what he said, Ibetook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, but especially with the historical part thereof; for as for Paul'sEpistles, and such like scriptures, I could not away with them, being as yet ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, orof the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me. 

30. Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my wordsand life, and did set the commandments before me for my way toheaven; which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as Ithought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I shouldhave comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict myconscience; but then I should repent, and say, I was sorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and there get help again;for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in England. 

31. Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighboursdid take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, anddid marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in mylife and manners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew notChrist, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seensince, had I then died, my state had been most fearful. 

32. But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my greatconversion, from prodigious profaneness, to something like a morallife; and truly, so they well might; for this my conversion was asgreat, as for Tom of Bethlehem to become a sober man. Nowtherefore they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well ofme, both to my face, and behind my back. Now I was, as they said, become godly; now I was become a right honest man. But oh! when Iunderstood these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased memighty well. For, though as yet I was nothing but a poor paintedhypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was trulygodly. I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I did, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: and thus Icontinued for about a twelvemonth, or more. 

33. Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delightin ringing, but my conscience beginning to be tender, I thoughtsuch practice was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leaveit; yet my mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-house, and look on, though I durst not ring: but I thought thisdid not become religion neither; yet I forced myself, and wouldlook on still, but quickly after, I began to think, how if one ofthe bells should fall? Then I chose to stand under a main beam, that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking here Imight stand sure; but then I should think again, should the bellfall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then, rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made mestand in the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough;for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out behind these thickwalls, and so be preserved notwithstanding. 

34. So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would notgo any farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into myhead, how if the steeple itself should fall? And this thought (itmay for aught I know) when I stood and looked on, did continuallyso shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple-door anylonger, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fallupon my head. 

35. Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before Icould quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I keptthis or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that Ithought was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and shouldthink with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me;yea, to relate it in mine own way, I thought no man in Englandcould please God better than I. 

36. But poor wretch as I was! I was all this while ignorant ofJesus Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness;and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of mystate by nature. 

37. But upon a day, the good providence of God called me toBedford, to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of thattown, I came where there were three or four poor women sitting at adoor, in the sun, talking about the things of God; and being nowwilling to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, for I was now a brisk talker also myself, in the matters ofreligion; but I may say, I heard but understood not; for they werefar above, out of my reach. Their talk was about a new birth, thework of God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of theirmiserable state by nature; they talked how God had visited theirsouls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words andpromises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported, againstthe temptations of the devil: moreover, they reasoned of thesuggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told toeach other, by which they had been afflicted and how they wereborne up under his assaults. They also discoursed of their ownwretchedness of heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy, andinsufficient to do them any good. 

38. And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; theyspake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with suchappearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as ifthey had found a new world; as if they were people that dweltalone, and were not to be reckoned among their neighbours. Numb. Xxiii. 9. 

39. At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust mycondition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts aboutreligion and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind;neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise, nor thedeceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secretthoughts, I took no notice of them; neither did I understand whatSatan's temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood, andresisted, etc. 

40. Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what theysaid, I left them, and went about my employment again, but theirtalk and discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry withthem, for I was greatly affected with their words, both because bythem I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godlyman, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy andblessed condition of him that was such a one. 

41. Therefore I should often make it my business to be going againand again into the company of these poor people; for I could notstay away; and the more I went amongst them, the more I didquestion my condition; and as I still do remember, presently Ifound two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel(especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid and ungodlywretch but just before I was). The one was a very great softnessand tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under theconviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other was agreat bending in my mind, to a continual meditating on it, and onall other good things, which at any time I heard or read of. 

42. By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like anhorse-leech at the vein, still crying out, Give, Give, Prov. Xxx. 15; yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about thekingdom of heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, Godknows, I knew but little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, norpersuasions, nor threats, could loose it, or make it let go itshold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me tohave taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it oftensince, to get again from earth to heaven. 

43. One thing I may not omit: There was a young man in our town, to whom my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but hebeing a most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, andwhoreing, I now shook him off, and forsook his company; but about aquarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a certainlane, and asked him how he did: he, after his old swearing and madway, answered, he was well. But, Harry, said I, why do you curseand swear thus? What will become of you, if you die in thiscondition? He answered me in a great chafe, What would the devildo for company, if it were not for such as I am?

44. About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were putforth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly inesteem by several old professors; some of these I read, but was notable to make any judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon them (seeing myself unable to judge), I wouldbetake myself to hearty prayer in this manner. O Lord, I am afool, and not able to know the truth from error: Lord, leave menot to my own blindness, either to approve of or condemn thisdoctrine; if it be of God, let me not despise it; if it be of thedevil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul in this matteronly at Thy foot, let me not be deceived, I humbly beseech Thee. Ihad one religious intimate companion all this while, and that wasthe poor man I spoke of before; but about this time, he also turneda most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner offilthiness, especially uncleanness: he would also deny that therewas a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations tosobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laughthe more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, andcould never light on the right till now. He told me also, that ina little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of theRanters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I lefthis company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as Ihad been before a familiar. 

45. Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my callinglying in the country, I happened to light into several people'scompany, who though strict in religion formerly, yet were alsoswept away by these Ranters. These would also talk with me oftheir ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that theyonly had attained to perfection, that could do what they would andnot sin. Oh! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I beingbut a young man and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as Ihoped, designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of Hisname, and did not suffer me to accept such cursed principles. Andblessed be God, Who put it into my heart to cry to Him to be keptand directed, still distrusting my own wisdom; for I have sinceseen even the effects of that prayer, in His preserving me, notonly from Ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung upsince. The Bible was precious to me in those days. 

46. And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with neweyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistlesof the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed Iwas then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation;still crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way toheaven and glory. 

47. And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, To oneis given, by the Spirit, the word of wisdom; to another the wordknowledge by the same Spirit; and to another faith, etc. 1 Cor. Xii. And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture theHoly Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me itdid then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had. Onthis word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially thisword 'Faith' put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimesmust question, whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loath toconclude, I had no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shallcount myself a very cast-away indeed. 

48. No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am anignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge andunderstanding that other people have; yet at a venture I willconclude, I am not altogether faithless, though I know not whatfaith is; for it was shewn me, and that too (as I have seen since)by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and I was loath to fallquite into despair. 

49. Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraidto see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undoand destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my sad andblind conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, insomuch that I could not rest content, until I did now come tosome certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no, this alwaysrunning in my mind, But how if you want faith indeed? But how canyou tell you have faith? And besides, I saw for certain, if I hadnot, I was sure to perish for ever. 

50. So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over thebusiness of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering thematter, was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I hadfaith or no. But alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not to this day no more how to do it, than I know howto begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art, which Inever yet saw or considered. 

51. Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to myplunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in thismatter broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider), thetempter came in with this delusion, That there was no way for me toknow I had faith, but by trying to work some miracle; urging thosescriptures that seem to look that way, for the enforcing andstrengthening his temptation. Nay, one day, as I was betweenElstow and Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I hadfaith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at this time was this, I must say to the puddles that were in the horsepads, Be dry; andto the dry places, Be you puddles: and truly one time I was goingto say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak, this thoughtcame into my mind; But go under yonder hedge and pray first, thatGod would make you able. But when I had concluded to pray, thiscame hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and tried to doit, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I had nofaith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, if it be so, I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer. 

52. So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they onlyhad faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that for the present I neither had it, nor yet for the time tocome, were ever like to have it. Thus I was tossed betwixt thedevil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at sometimes, that I could not tell what to do. 

53. About this time, the state and happiness of these poor peopleat Bedford was thus, in a kind of a vision, presented to me, I sawas if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, thererefreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while Iwas shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snowand dark clouds: methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wallthat did compass about this mountain, now through this wall my souldid greatly desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I wouldeven go into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myselfwith the heat of their sun. 

54. About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again, still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I might enter therein: but none could I find for sometime: at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a littledoor-way in the wall, through which I attempted to pass: Now thepassage being very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, bystriving to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I atfirst did get in my head, and after that, by a sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding glad, wentand sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with thelight and heat of their sun. 

55. Now this mountain, and wall, etc. , was thus made out to me:The mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun thatshone thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on themthat were therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did makeseparation between the Christians and the world; and the gap whichwas in the wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to Godthe Father. John xiv. 6; Matt. Vii. 14. But forasmuch as thepassage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that I could not, butwith great difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me, that nonecould enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world behind them; for herewas only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin. 

56. This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all whichtime I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet wasprovoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that numberthat did sit in the sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever Iwas: whether at home or abroad; in house or field; and would alsooften, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the fifty-firstPsalm, O Lord, consider my distress; for as yet I knew not where Iwas. 

57. Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasionthat I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfactionhere, I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubtsabout my future happiness; especially with such as these, whether Iwas elected? But how, if the day of grace should now be past andgone?

58. By these two temptations I was very much afflicted anddisquieted; sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them. And first, to speak of that about my questioning my election, Ifound at this time, that though I was in a flame to find the way toheaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so offend and discourage me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the very strength of my body also hadbeen taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture didalso seem to me to trample upon all my desires; It is not of himthat willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showethmercy. Rom. Ix. 16. 

59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for Ievidently saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace andbounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though Ishould desire, and long, and labour until my heart did break, nogood could come of it. Therefore this would stick with me, How canyou tell that you are elected? And what if you should not? Howthen?

60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may be youare not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I. Whythen, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther;for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, thereis no talk of your being saved; For it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy. 

61. By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing whatto say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I littlethought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was myown prudence thus to start the question): for that the elect onlyattained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily closewithal; but that myself was one of them, there lay the question. 

62. Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted andperplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sinkwhere I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I hadbeen so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was nowquite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, Look at thegenerations of old, and see; did ever any trust in God, and wereconfounded?

63. At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul;for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: Begin atthe beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, and see if you can find, that there were ever any that trusted inthe Lord, and were confounded. So coming home, I presently went tomy Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but tofind it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength andcomfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with me. 

64. Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me:Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knewwhere it was, but they knew no such place. At this I wondered, that such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort andstrength, seize, and abide upon my heart; and yet that none couldfind it (for I doubted not but that it was in holy scripture). 

65. Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place;but at last, casting my eye upon the Apocrypha books, I found it inEcclesiasticus, Eccles. Ii. 10. This, at the first, did somewhatdaunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience of thelove and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially whenI considered that though it was not in those texts that we callholy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum andsubstance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take thecomfort of it; and I bless God for that word, for it was of God tome: that word doth still at times shine before my face. 

66. After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But how if the day of grace should be past and gone? How if youhave overstood the time of mercy? Now I remember that one day, asI was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, But how if the day of grace is past? And to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, andsuggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, theywere all that God would save in those parts; and that I came toolate, for these had got the blessing before I came. 

67. Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that thismight well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sadcondition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools forstanding off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I haddone; still crying out, Oh! that I had turned sooner! Oh! that Ihad turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, tothink that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul and heaven were lost. 

68. But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarceable to take one step more, just about the same place where Ireceived my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled; and yet thereis room. Luke xiv. 22, 23. These words, but especially those, Andyet there is room, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought thatby them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; andmoreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He thendid think of me: and that He knowing that the time would come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place leftfor me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it uponrecord, that I might find help thereby against this viletemptation. This I then verily believed. 

69. In the light and encouragement of this word I went a prettywhile; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the LordJesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should speakthose words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that Hedid on purpose speak them to encourage me withal. 

70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again;temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnalacquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that soundsense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as itwere, continually in my view: I would often also think onNebuchadnezzar; of whom it is said, He had given him all thekingdoms of the earth. Dan. V. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if thisgreat man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-firewould make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help tome. 

71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerningthe beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean: I thought thosebeasts were types of men; the clean, types of them that were thepeople of God; but the unclean, types of such as were the childrenof the wicked one. Now I read, that the clean beasts chewed thecud; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the wordof God: they also parted the hoof. I thought that signified, wemust part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men. Andalso, in further reading about them, I found, that though we didchew the cud, as the hare; yet if we walked with claws, like a dog;or if we did part the hoof, like the swine, yet if we did not chewthe cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean:for I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him thatparted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word offaith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a manbe never so devout. Deut. Xiv. After this, I found by reading theword, that those that must be glorified with Christ in anotherworld must be called by Him here; called to the partaking of ashare in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all thoseheavenly things, which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is in heaven above. 

72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what todo, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good? None but those who are effectuallycalled inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now lovedthose words that spake of a Christian's calling! as when the Lordsaid to one, Follow Me; and to another, Come after Me: and oh, thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I runafter Him!

73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in mysoul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see atthat day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not becontented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gottenfor gold, what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soulmight have been in a converted state. 

74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to beconverted men and women. They shone, they walked like a peoplethat carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw thelot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodlyheritage. Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that ofChrist, in St Mark, He goeth up into a mountain, and calleth untoHim whom He would, and they came unto Him. Mark iii. 13. 

75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire inmy soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ shouldhave no liking to me, for He called whom He would. But oh! theglory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but Ipresently wished, Would I had been in their clothes, would I hadbeen born Peter; would I had been born John; or, would I had beenby and had heard Him when He called them, how would I have cried, OLord, call me also! But, oh! I feared He would not call me. 

76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, andshewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be calledhereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans toGod, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenlycalling; that word came in upon me: I will cleanse their blood, that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion. Joel iii. 21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait stillupon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yettime might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ. 

77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor peoplein Bedford, and to tell them my condition; which when they hadheard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasionto talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, thoughI think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, whereI should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of Godwith their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inwardwretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great mattertherein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also towork at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently found, that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, inwicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; mydesires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, thatwhereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it beganto hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not bemoved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both ofmy soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, tohinder me from flying. 

78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am fartherfrom conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sinkgreatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement inmy heart, as laid me as low as hell. If now I should have burnedat the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me:alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, norfavour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heartwould be unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land. 

79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God;which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me ofthe promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reachthe sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon thepromises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense andfeeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would condemn. 

80. These things have often made me think of the child which thefather brought to Christ, who, while he was yet coming to Him, wasthrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him, that helay down and wallowed, foaming. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20. 

81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itselfup against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found myunbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Himout; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron asunder. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that wordwould sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I girdedthee, though thou hast not known Me. Isaiah xlv. 5. 

82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never moretender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take apin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience nowwas sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell howto speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, howgingerly did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as ona miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, leftboth of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things. 

83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner beforeconversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of myignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had notChrist, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfectrighteousness to present me without fault before God, and thisrighteousness was no where to be found, but in the Person of JesusChrist. 

84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plagueand affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forthitself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reasonof that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, andI thought I was so in God's eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubbleout of a fountain: I thought now, that every one had a betterheart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; Ithought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inwardwickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore at the sight ofmy own vileness deeply into despair; for I concluded, that thiscondition that I was in, could not stand with a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given up to thedevil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long while, even for some years together. 

85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I sawold people hunting after the things of this life, as if they shouldlive here always: the other was, when I found professors muchdistressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as ofhusband, wife, child, etc. Lord, thought I, what a-do is hereabout such little things as these! What seeking after carnalthings, by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! ifthey so much labour after, and shed so many tears for the things ofthis present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for!My soul is dying, my soul is damning. Were my soul but in a goodcondition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteemmyself, though blessed but with bread and water! I should countthose but small afflictions, and should bear them as littleburthens. A wounded spirit who can bear!

86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, withthe sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I wasafraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: thatunless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, bythe blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of histrouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard uponme, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off:and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would besometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would alsostrive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishmentof sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, Lord, let itnot go off my heart, but the right way, by the blood of Christ, andthe application of Thy mercy, through Him, to my soul, for thatscripture lay much upon me, without shedding of blood is noremission. Heb. Ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid ofthis, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were underwounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking ratherpresent ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, carednot how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind:now, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified untothem; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after theirtrouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more, that it might not be so with me. 

87. And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared Iwas a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful ofall the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sadcondition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of menunblessed. 

88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to somuch goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man. Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in thevisible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; forthey had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrathof God; they were not to go to hell-fire after death; I couldtherefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs. 

89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comfortingtime was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in thesong, Song iv. 1, Behold, thou art fair, my love, behold, thou artfair. But at that time he made these two words, my love, his chiefand subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened thetext, he observed these several conclusions: 1. That the church, and so every saved soul, is Christ's love, when loveless. 2. Christ's love without a cause. 3. Christ's love, when hated of theworld. 4. Christ's love, when under temptation and underdestruction. 5. Christ's love, from first to last. 

90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when hecame to the application of the fourth particular, this was the wordhe said; If it be so, that the saved soul is Christ's love, whenunder temptation and desertion; then poor tempted soul, when thouart assaulted, and afflicted with temptations, and the hidings ofGod's face, yet think on these two words, 'My love, ' still. 

91. So as I was going home, these words came again into mythoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in myheart, What shall I get by thinking on these two words? Thisthought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these wordsbegan thus to kindle in my spirit, Thou art My Love, thou art MyDove, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, theywaxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but beingas yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But isit true, but is it true? At which that sentence fell upon me, Hewist not that it was true, which was done by the Angel. Acts xii. 9. 

92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, didover and over make this joyful sound within my soul, 'Thou art myLove, thou art My Love, and nothing shall separate thee from MyLove. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, Iwas now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember Icould not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I couldhave spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even tothe very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, hadthey been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in mysoul, with much gladness, Well, I would I had a pen and ink here, Iwould write this down before I go any farther; for surely I willnot forget this forty years hence. But, alas! within less thanforty days I began to question all again; which made me begin toquestion all still. 

93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a truemanifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of thelife and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after thisI was much followed by this scripture, Simon, Simon; behold, Satanhath desired to have you, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it wouldsound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly afterme, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over myshoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me;being at a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and towatchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm wascoming down upon me: but I understood it not. 

94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks Ihear still with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, thatsomebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: andalthough that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behindme, believing that he that called so loud, meant me. 

95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reasonof this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, wassent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what wascoming, ) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think whatshould be the reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, sooften and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mineears: but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of Godtherein. 

96. For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm camedown upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I hadmet with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, thenby another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darknessseized upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, bothagainst God, Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon myspirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemousthoughts were such as stirred up questions in me against the verybeing of God, and of His only beloved Son: As, whether there werein truth, a God or Christ? And whether the holy scriptures werenot rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure wordof God?

97. The tempter would also much assault me with this, How can youtell but that the Turks had as good scriptures to prove theirMahomet the Saviour, as we have to prove our Jesus is? And, couldI think, that so many ten thousands, in so many countries andkingdoms, should be without the knowledge of the right way toheaven, (if there were indeed a heaven); and that we only, who livein a corner of the earth, should alone be blessed therewith? Everyone doth think his own religion rightest, both Jews and Moors, andPagans; and how if all our faith, and Christ, and scriptures, should be but a think so too?

98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against thesesuggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessed Paulagainst them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, sucharguings as these would return again upon me, Though we made sogreat a matter of Paul, and of his words, yet how could I tell, butthat in very deed, he being a subtle and cunning man, might givehimself up to deceive with strong delusions: and also take thepains and travel, to undo and destroy his fellows. 

99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I maynot, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen, ) did make such aseizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both withtheir number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if therewere nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and asthough indeed there could be room for nothing else; and alsoconcluded, that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up tothem, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind. 

100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I feltthere was something in me that refused to embrace them. But thisconsideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow myspittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of thesetemptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all suchthoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was inthis temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it tocurse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, orChrist His Son, and of the scriptures. 

101. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil: at othertimes, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for insteadof lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have butheard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemousthought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so thatwhether I did think that God was, or again did think there was nosuch thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could Ifeel within me. 

102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for Iconcluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst themthat loved God. I often, when these temptations had been withforce upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whomsome gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying fromfriend and country. Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry;but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the windwould carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evilspirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that mycondition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. X. 

103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was thesin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me todesire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, mustnot, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sinwould serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking ofsuch a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken thatword, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was thistemptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my handunder my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking. 

104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, andcounted the estate of every thing that God had made, far betterthan this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were. Yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse:for I knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weightof hell, or sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I sawthis, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that whichadded to my sorrow was, I could not find, that with all my soul Idid desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend mysoul in the midst of these distractions, The wicked are like thetroubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waters cast up mire anddirt. There is no peace, saith my God, to the wicked. Isa. Lvii. 20, 21. 

105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I wouldhave given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: nonor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, tothink that this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lamenttheir sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God forChrist; and others again, could quietly talk of, and with gladnessremember the word of God; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone, I shouldtherefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid ofthese things, I could not. 

106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I couldattend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and greataffliction. Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies. IfI had been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies anddespair would hold me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read:sometimes again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, andpossessed with other things, that I have neither known, norregarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now Ihave read. 

107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time;sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling myclothes: he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, tohave done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stayno longer; still drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he wouldcast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, orfor him: I have thought sometimes of that, Fall down; or, if thouwilt fall down and worship me. Matt. Iii. 9. 

108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the timeof this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it uponGod; then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distractme, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to myheart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to these: To these he would also (at sometimesespecially) so hold my mind, that I was as if I could think ofnothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such asthey. 

109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affectingapprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel. But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself withunexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; Ishould cry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me;but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these: Ishould think that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, andthat in the audience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretchdoth hanker after Me, as if I had nothing to do with My mercy, butto bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor soul! how art thoudeceived! It is not for such as thee to have favour with theHighest. 

110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with suchdiscouragements as these: You are very hot for mercy, but I willcool you; this frame shall not last always: many have been as hotas you for a spurt, but I have quenched their zeal (and with this, such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I, Iam glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and take whatcare I can. Though you do, said Satan, I shall be too hard foryou; I will cool you insensibly, by degrees, by little and little. What care I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling yourheart, if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will lull acrying child asleep: I will ply it close, but I will have my endaccomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, I can pull youfrom this fire; I shall have you cold before it be long. 

111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I atpresent could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make meforget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, theworth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to washme, both out of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, thesethings did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather didput me more upon it (like her who met with adulterer, Deut. Xxii. 26), in which days that was a good word to me, after I had sufferedthese things a while:- I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, etc. , shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is inChrist Jesus our Lord. Rom. Viii. 38, 39. And now I hoped longlife would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven. 

112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they werethen all questioned by me; that in Jer. Iii. At the first wassomething to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of thatchapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as wecould, yet we should cry unto God, My Father, Thou art the Guide ofmy youth, and shall return unto Him. 

113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. V. 21:For He hath made Him to be sin for us, Who knew no sin, that wemight be made the righteousness of God in Him. I remember that oneday, as I was sitting in a neighbour's house, and there very sad atthe consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in mymind, What ground have I to say that, who have been so vile andabominable, should ever inherit eternal life? That word camesuddenly upon me, What shall we say to these things? If God be forus, who can be against us? Rom. Viii. 31. That also was an helpunto me, Because I live, ye shall live also. John xiv. 19. Butthese words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though verysweet when present; only they lasted not; but, like to Peter'ssheet, of a sudden were caught up from me, to heaven again. Actsx. 16. 

114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciouslydiscover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliverme from the guilt that, by these things was laid upon myconscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for thetemptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, asother Christians were. 

115. I remember that one day, as I was travelling into thecountry, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, and considering the enmity that was in me to God, that scripturecame into my mind, Having made peace through the blood of Hiscross. Col. I. 20. By which I was made to see, both again andagain, that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I sawthat the justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kisseach other, through His blood. This was a good day to me; I hope Ishall never forget it. 

116. At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and wasmusing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious wordunto me, Forasmuch then as the children are partakers of flesh andblood, He also Himself likewise took part of the same, that throughdeath He might destroy him that had the power of death, that is thedevil; and deliver those who through fear of death, were all theirlifetime subject to bondage. Heb. Ii. 14, 15. I thought that theglory of these words was then so weighty on me, that I was bothonce and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with grief andtrouble, but with solid joy and peace. 

117. At this time also I sate under of holy Mr Gifford, whosedoctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability. This man madeit much his business to deliver the people of God from all thosefalse and unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to. He wouldbid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust;as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightilyto God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and setus down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; For, said he, if you do otherwise, when temptations come, if strongly, you nothaving received them with evidence from heaven, will find you wantthat help and strength now to resist, that once you thought youhad. 

118. This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and latterrains in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, the truth of these his words: for I had felt no man can say, especially when tempted by the devil, that Jesus Christ is Lord, but by the Holy Ghost). Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, that in nothing that pertained to God's glory, and my own eternalhappiness, He would suffer me to be without the confirmationthereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceedingdifference betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and therevelations of God in heaven: also a great difference betwixt thatfaith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and thatwhich comes by a man's being born thereto of God. Matt. Xvi. 15; 1John v. 1. 

119. But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God!Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His accession, and second coming from heaven to judge the world!

120. Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God wasvery good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thingthat I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, butHe was pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospelof the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it: methought I sawwith great evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, thewonderful work of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from Hisconception and birth, even to His second coming to judgment:methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as if I had seen Himgrow up; as if I had seen Him walk through this world, from thecradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how gentlyHe gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins andwicked doings. Also as I was musing on this His progress, thatdropped on my spirit, He was ordained for the slaughter. 1 Peteri. 12, 20. 

121. When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, and have remembered that word, Touch Me not, Mary, etc. , I haveseen as if He had leaped out of the grave's mouth, for joy that Hewas risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes. John xx. 17. I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on theright hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner ofHis coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and havebeen confirmed in these things by these scriptures following, Actsi. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. Vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. I. 18; 1 Thess. Iv. 17, 18. 

112. Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man aswell as God, and God as well as man: and truly, in those days, letmen say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truthof God. Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could nottell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. V. 6 came into mymind: And I beheld, and, to, in the midst of the throne, and ofthe four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb, asit had been slain. In the midst of the throne, thought I, there isthe Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood; but, oh! methought this did glister! It was a goodly touch, and gave mesweet satisfaction. That other scripture also did help me much inthis, For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son is given; and thegovernment shall be upon His shoulder: and His name shall becalled Wonderful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the EverlastingFather, the Prince of Peace, etc. Isa. Ix. 6. 

123. Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lordmade use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was theerrors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for asthe Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm mein it, by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfullymaintain it. 

124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:-

'1. That the holy scriptures were not the word of God. 

'2. That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, faith, etc. 

'3. That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundredyears ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of thepeople. 

'4. That Christ's flesh and blood were within the saints. 

'5. That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in thechurch-yard, shall not arise again. 

'6. That the resurrection is past with good men already. 

'7. That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, on mount Calvary, in the land of Canaan, by Jerusalem, was notascended above the starry heavens. 

'8. That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the handsof the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge allnations, ' etc. 

125. Many more vile and abominable things were in those daysfomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search ofthe scriptures, and was through their light and testimony, not onlyenlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth:And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much; for still asthat would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again; and that too sweetly, according to thescripture. O friends! cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you;there is none teacheth like Him. 

126. It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how Hedid, that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also howHe did open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and causethem to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, both of His own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, andword, and gospel. 

127. Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, thatin general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, tosuffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, andthen reveal them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under greatguilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith; and then theLord would show me the death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle myconscience with His blood, that I should find, and that before Iwas aware, that in that conscience, where but just now did reignand rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace andlove of God, through Christ. 

128. Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, fromheaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight. Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery ofgrace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the lastday were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made anoffering for my sins. For whereas before I lay continuallytrembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so fartherefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it!And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that Imight die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest. 

129. But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, Idid greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, whohad writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those whohad writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardonme) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answersuch objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, without going down themselves into the deep. Well, after many suchlongings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days andways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book of Martin Luther's; itwas his Comment on the Galatians; it also was so old, that it wasready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over. Now Iwas pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, thewhich when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition inhis experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his bookhad been written out of my heart. This made me marvel: for thusthought I, This man could not know any thing of the state ofChristians now, but must needs write and speak the experience offormer days. 

130. Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate ofthe rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, andthe like; showing that the law of Moses, as well as the devil, death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein: the which, atfirst, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, Ifound it so indeed. But of particulars here, I intend nothing;only this methinks I must let fall before all men--I do prefer thisbook of Martin Luther upon the Galatians (excepting the Holy Bible)before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for awounded conscience. 

131. And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly:Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved untoHim; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as Job said, Ithought I should die in my nest; but I did quickly find, that mygreat love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, suchburning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a verytrifle, --God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from man. Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose. 

132. For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciouslydelivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set medown so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given mesuch strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touchingmy interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon meagain, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation thanbefore. 

133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessed Christ, to exchange Him for the things of this life, for any thing. Thetemptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow meso continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I wasasleep. 

134. And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those whowere once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, Ihad seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; The land shall notbe sold for ever, for the land is mine, saith God. Lev. Xxv. 23. Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should haveso much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost noneothers, but such blasphemous ones. 

135. But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet anydesire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake orabate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it didalways, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, insuch sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chopa stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still thetemptation would come, Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ forthat; sell Him, sell Him. 

136. Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as ahundred times together, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him: againstwhich, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced tostand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lesthaply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in myheart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter wouldmake me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, astortured upon a rack for whole days together. 

137. This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should atsome times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, thatby the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resistthis wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; stillanswering, as fast as the destroyer said, Sell Him; I will not, Iwill not, I will not, I will not; no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands of worlds: thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midstof these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarcewell knew where I was, or how to be composed again. 

138. At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet;but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must gohence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeitholy also would this devil be. When I was thus tempted, I wouldsay in myself, Now I am at meat; let me make an end. NO, said he, you must do it now, or you will displease God, and despise Christ. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because ofthe sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulsesfrom God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and thenshould I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of thedevil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed. 

139. But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, Tosell and part with Christ; the wicked suggestion still running inmy mind, Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, as fastas a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as at othertimes, I answered, No, no, not for thousands, thousands, thousands, at least twenty times together: but at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought passthrough my heart, Let Him go, if He will; and I thought also, thatI felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence ofSatan! Oh! the desperateness of man's heart!

140. Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that isshot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair. Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but Godknows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear;where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life;and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternalpunishment. 

141. And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul: Orprofane persons as Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold hisbirthright: for ye know, how that afterward, when he would haveinherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no place ofrepentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. Xii. 16, 17. 

142. Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto thejudgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abidewith me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: I say, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments forrelief, as in the sequel you will see. 

143. These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to mylegs, in the continual sound of which I went for several monthstogether. But about ten or eleven o'clock on that day, as I waswalking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), andbemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought shouldarise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, Theblood of Christ remits all guilt. At this I made a stand in myspirit: with that this word took hold upon me, The blood of JesusChrist His Son, cleanseth us from all sin. 1 John i. 7. 

144. Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought Isaw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as beingashamed of what he had done. At the same time also I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, whencompared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than thislittle clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field thathere I see. This gave me good encouragement for the space of twoor three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, theSon of God, as suffering for my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again. 

145. But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning Esau'sselling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all daylong, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, andhold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for whenI would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, stillthat sentence would be sounding in me; For ye know, how thatafterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, he found noplace of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. 

146. Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Lukexxii. 31, I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not; but itwould not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I consideredmy state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there shouldbe the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done. Nowwas I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together. 

147. Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of thenature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouragingsentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began toconsider that of Mark iii. 28: All sins shall be forgiven unto thesons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme. Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and gloriouspromise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the placemore fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relatingmore chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committedsuch things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not onlyreceived light and mercy, but that had both after, and alsocontrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done. 

148. I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might bethat sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh. But hethat shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost, hath neverforgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation. Mark iii. 29. And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentencein the Hebrews: For you know how that afterwards, when he wouldhave inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no placeof repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. And thisstuck always with me. 

149. And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor didI ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yetafraid to die. Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody butmyself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! Forthere was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than thatit was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to besaved from the wrath to come. 

150. And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing athousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when Ishould be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather havebeen torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto. But alas!these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late tohelp me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, andI am fallen. Oh! thought I, that it were with me as in monthspast, as in the days when God preserved me! Job xxix. 2. 

151. Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began tocompare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of thosethat were saved, had done as I had done. So I considered David'sadultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and thosetoo committed after light and grace received: but yet byconsidering that his transgressions were only such as were againstthe law of Moses, from which the Lord Christ could, with theconsent of His word, deliver him: but mine was against the gospel;yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour. 

152. Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when Iconsidered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should beso void of grace, so bewitched. What, thought I, must it be no sinbut this? Must it needs be the great transgression? Ps. Xix. 13. Must that wicked one touch my soul? 1 John v. 18. Oh! what stingdid I find in all these sentences?

153. What, thought I, is there but one sin that is unpardonable?but one sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy;and must I be guilty of that? must it needs be that? Is there butone sin among so many millions of sins, for which there is noforgiveness; and must I commit this? Oh! unhappy sin! Oh! unhappyman! These things would so break and confound my spirit, that Icould not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would havebroke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run inmy mind, You know, how, that afterwards, when he would haveinherited the blessing, he was rejected. Oh! no one knows theterrors of those days but myself. 

154. After this I began to consider of Peter's sin, which hecommitted in denying his Master: and indeed, this came nighest tomine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warninggiven him. I also considered, that he did it both once and twice;and that, after time to consider betwixt. But though I put allthese circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yet I considered again, that his was but a denial of his Master, but mine was, a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought withmyself, that I came nearer to Judas, than either to David or Peter. 

155. Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, itwould grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservationof God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thusconsidering of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding theirwickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a sonof perdition. 

156. But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservationthat God did set about His people! Ah, how safely did I see themwalk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special providence: though they were full as badas I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer themto fall without the range of mercy: but as for me, I was gone, Ihad done it: He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but sufferedme, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done. Now didthose blessed places that speak of God's keeping His people, shinelike the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show methe blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed. 

157. Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providencesand dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand inall the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not toanimate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations andtroubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such sinsonly that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put thembeyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy. But oh!what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixingitself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to Hispeople! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others, fall; but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, norinto hell for sin. Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hathloved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keepsthem in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under theshadow of the Almighty. But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it waskilling to me. If I thought how God kept His own, that was killingto me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing tome. As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good tothem that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thoughtthat all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternaloverthrow. 

158. Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, whichin truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, if it should differfrom it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy conditionis my soul in! And by considering, I found that Judas did thisintentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings:besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in afearful hurry, on a sudden: all this while I was tossed to and frolike the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing alwaysthe sound of Esau's fall in mine ears, and the dreadfulconsequences thereof. 

159. Yet this consideration about Judas's sin was, for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to thecircumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quicklygone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more waysthan one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought theremight be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions;wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of minemight be such, as might never be passed by. 

160. I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an uglyman as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should be unto allthe saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now I couldscarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but Ishould feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence. Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it wasto have a good conscience before Him. 

161. I was much about that time tempted to content myself byreceiving some false opinion; as, that there should be no suchthing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and thatsin was no such grievous thing: the tempter suggesting thus: Forif these things should indeed be true, yet to believe otherwisewould yield you ease for the present. If you must perish, nevertorment yourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts of damningout of your mind, by possessing your mind with some suchconclusions that Atheists and Ranters use to help themselveswithal. 

162. But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, asit were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view!methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was comealready; so that such things could have no entertainment. Butmethinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep thesoul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit;security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom andhabitation of the wicked one. 

163. I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despairwas swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven awayfrom God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would comein, 'Tis too late, I am lost, God hath let me fall; not to mycorrection, but condemnation: my sin is unpardonable; and I know, concerning Esau, how that after he had sold his birthright, bewould have received the blessing, but was rejected. About thistime I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortalFrancis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, whenrubbed into a fresh wound: every sentence in that book, everygroan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing ofhands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining awayunder that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives anddaggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightfulto me, Man knows the beginning of sin? but who bounds the issuesthereof? Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; For you knowhow that afterwards, when he would have inherited the blessing, hewas rejected; for he found no place of repentance, though he soughtit carefully with tears. 

164. Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuchthat at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my verybody, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense ofthis dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that havesinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such aclogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, thatI was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would splitasunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by fallingheadlong, he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowels gushedout. Acts i. 18. 

165. I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set onCain, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load ofguilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother Abel. Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that wasupon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neitherstand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet. 

166. Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, He hathreceived gifts for the rebellious. Psalm lxviii. 18. Therebellious, thought I! why surely they are such as once were undersubjection to their Prince; even those who after they have swornsubjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; andthis, thought I, is my very condition: I once loved Him, fearedHim, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I havesaid, Let Him go, if He will; but yet He has gifts for rebels; andthen why not for me?

167. This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take holdthereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have beenconceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I wasdriven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, even by that place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, but may not. 

168. Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the saints inparticular, and found mine went beyond them, then I began to thinkwith myself, Set the case I should put all theirs together, andmine alone against them, might I not then find some encouragement?for if mine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal toall, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough init to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do awaymine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than alltheirs. Here again, I should consider the sin of David, ofSolomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the greatoffenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, toaggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances. 

169. I should think with myself that David shed blood to cover hisadultery, and that by the sword of the children of Ammon; a workthat could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a great aggravation to his sin. But then this would turnupon me: Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from whichthere was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against theSaviour, and who shall save you from that?

170. Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinned in lovingstrange women, falling away to their idols, in building themtemples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after greatmercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off in theformer consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all thosewere but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy;but I had sold my Saviour, and there remained no more sacrifice forsin. 

171. I would then add to these men's sins, the sins of Manasseh;how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; healso observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, wasa wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the firein sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run downwith the blood of innocents. These, thought I, are great sins, sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, Theyare none of them of the nature of yours; you have parted withJesus, you have sold your Saviour. 

172. This one consideration would always kill my heart, my sin waspoint blank against my Saviour; and that too, at that height, thatI had in my heart said of Him, Let Him go, if He will. Oh!methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of akingdom, or of the whole world, no one pardonable; nor all of themtogether, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one. 

173. Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the faceof a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escapeHis hand: (It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of theliving God. Hebrew x. ) But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, I haveblotted out, as a thick cloud, thy transgressions; and as a cloud, thy sins: return unto Me, for I have redeemed thee. Isaiah xliv. 22. This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeingfrom the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, mymind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I couldnot endure: then would the text cry, Return unto Me; it would cryaloud with a very great voice, Return unto Me, for I have redeemedthee. Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as itwere, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discernthat the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; butI could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkenedagain by that sentence, For you know, how that afterwards, when hewould have inherited the blessing, he found no place of repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Wherefore I could notrefrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, Return, return, as if it did hollow after me: but I feared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, wasstill sounding in my conscience, For you know that afterwards, whenhe would have inherited the blessing, he was rejected, etc. 

174. Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myselfwith self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamentingalso this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in myheart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against theHoly Ghost, the Lord would show it me. And being now ready to sinkwith fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at thewindow, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if Iheard a voice speaking, Did'st thou ever refuse to be justified bythe blood of Christ? and withal, my whole life of profession past, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, thatdesignedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly, No. Thenfell, with power, that word of God upon me, See that ye refuse notHim that speaketh. Hebrew xii. 25. This made a strange seizureupon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silencein my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make anhideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ hadyet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I hadfeared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kindof chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening ofme, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness ofthem, venture my salvation upon the Son of God. But as to mydetermining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I knownot; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twentyyears' time been able to make a judgment of it; I thought then whathere I should be loth to speak. But verily that sudden rushingwind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and thesalutation, I will leave until the day of judgment: only this Isay, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me theremight be hope: it showed me, as I thought, what the sinunpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege toflee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning thisdispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in thebook; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of soundjudgment. I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but uponthe Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding ofmy secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedientto let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matteras there I did experience it. This lasted in the savour of it forabout three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and todespair again. 

175. Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowingwhich way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even tocast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication. Butoh! 'twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christfor mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned: 'twas hardwork, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I hadso vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to cometo God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any otherthing. Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when Ithought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had solightly esteemed but a while before! I was ashamed; yea, evenconfounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but Isaw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, andhumble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul. 

176. Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested tome, That I ought not to pray to God, for prayer was not for any inmy case; neither could it do me good, because I had rejected theMediator, by Whom all prayers came with acceptance to God theFather; and without Whom, no prayer could come into His presence:wherefore now to pray, is but to add sin to sin; yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast you off, is the next way to anger and offendHim more than you ever did before. 

177. For God (saith he) hath been weary of you for these severalyears already, because you are none of His; your bawlings in Hisears, hath been no pleasant voice to Him; and therefore He let yousin this sin, that you might be quite cut off; and will you praystill? This the devil urged, and set forth that in Numbers, whenMoses said to the children of Israel, That because they would notgo up to possess the land, when God would have them, therefore forever after He did bar them out from thence, though they prayed theymight with tears. Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc. 

178. As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, The man thatsins presumptuously shall be taken from God's altar, that he maydie; even as Joab was by King Solomon, when he thought to findshelter there. 1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc. These places did pinch mevery sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, Ican but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, That suchan one died at the foot of Christ in prayer. This I did, but withgreat difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together withthis, still that saying about Esau would be set at my heart, evenlike a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest Ishould take thereof and live. Oh! who knows how hard a thing Ifound it, to come to God in prayer!

179. I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea Itrembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them wouldshortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that Heonce did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, Praynot for this people, for I have rejected them. Jeremiah xi. 14. So, Pray not for him, for I have rejected him, yea, I thought thatHe had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst nottell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it shouldbe so, it would make me quite beside myself: Man knows thebeginning of sin (said Spira), but who bounds the issues thereof?

180. About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to anancient Christian, and told him all my case: I told him also, thatI was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; andhe told me, He thought so too. Here therefore I had but coldcomfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though agood man, a stranger to much combat with the devil. Wherefore Iwent to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still. 

181. Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, saying, That seeing I had thus parted with the Lord Jesus, andprovoked Him to displeasure, Who would have stood between my souland the flame of devouring fire, there was now but one way; andthat was, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixtHis Son and me; that we might be reconciled again, and that I mighthave that blessed benefit in Him, that His blessed saints enjoyed. 

182. Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, He is of onemind, and who can turn Him! Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuadeHim to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besidesthat we have already, as to pray for such a thing. This was topersuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, andpersuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation. And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; Neither is theresalvation in any other; for there is none other name under heavengiven among men whereby we must be saved. Acts iv. 12. 

183. Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, asthe thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; becauseI had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and myloss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this:every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to mysoul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of theLord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in myheart: Aye, this is the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Son of God, Whom you have parted with, Whom you have slighted, despised, andabused. This is the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the only Onethat could so love sinners, as to wash them from their sins in Hisown most precious blood; but you have no part nor lot in thisJesus: you have put Him from you; you have said in your heart, LetHim go, if He will. Now, therefore, you are severed from Him; youhave severed yourself from Him: behold then His goodness, butyourself to be no partaker of it. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul! Oh!'tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have theLamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer. Rev. Vi. I alsotrembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it theirbusiness to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions oftenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon mysoul. The dread of them was upon me, and I trembled at God'sSamuels. 1 Sam. Xvi. 4. 

184. Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul anotherway, saying, That Christ indeed did pity my case, and was sorry formy loss; but forasmuch as I had sinned and transgressed as I haddone, He could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared:for my sin was not of the nature of theirs, for Whom He bled anddied; neither was it counted with those that were laid to Hischarge, when He hanged on a tree: therefore, unless He should comedown from heaven, and die anew for this sin, though indeed He didgreatly pity me, yet I could have no benefit of Him. These thingsmay seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were inthemselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations: everyone of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have somuch love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did Ithink that the reason why He could not help me, was, because Hismerits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on othersalready, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would notlet Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, I thought, as I havealready hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of thatpardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knewassuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to have eternal life. So that the ground of all thesefears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of thestability of the holy word of God, and also from my beingmisinformed of the nature of my sin. 

185. But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit thatI should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die. Thesethoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up fromfaith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that Hewould come down again! Oh! that the work of man's redemption wasyet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him tocount and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died! Butthis scripture would strike me down as dead; Christ being raisedfrom the dead, dieth no more; death hath no more dominion over Him. Rom. Vi. 9. 

186. Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, mysoul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossedsometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant ofworks, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and theconditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myselfconcerned, be turned another way, and changed, But in all these, Iwas as those that jostle against the rocks; more broken, scatteredand rent. Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, fears, andterrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guiltyielding to desperation! This is the man that hath his dwellingamong the tombs with the dead; that is always crying out, andcutting himself with stones. Mark v. 1, 2, 3. But, I say, all invain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will notsave him: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot ortittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed. ThisI saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage Igot thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of theway of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God. Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadinessof Jesus Christ, the rock of man's salvation: What was done, couldnot be undone, added to, nor altered. I saw, indeed, that sinmight drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which isunpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word wouldshut him out. 

187. Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do. Soone day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon asettle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about themost fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun thatshineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the verystones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bendthemselves against me. Methought that they all combined togetherto banish me out of the world. I was abhorred of them, and unfitto dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because Ihad sinned against the Saviour. O how happy now was every creatureover I was! For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I wasgone and lost. 

188. Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said tomyself with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort such a wretch! Ihad no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo dothanswer a voice: This sin is not unto death. At which I was, as ifI had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, Lord, howcouldst Thou find out such a word as this! For I was filled withadmiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of thesentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing ofit; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came withit also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time, out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before;my fears before were, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that Ihad no right to pray, to repent, etc. , or that, if I did, it wouldbe of no advantage or profit to me. But now, thought I, if thissin is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this Ihave encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to considerthe promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms toreceive me as well as others. This therefore was a great easementto my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not thesin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17). None but those that know whatmy trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief cameto my soul by this consideration: it was a release to me from myformer bonds, and a shelter from the former storm: I seemed now tostand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as goodright to the word and prayer as any of they. 

189. Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness. Butoh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again!But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most partof the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at myback: yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this wordbegin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and soI returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudgingand peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could myfaith now long retain this word. 

190. But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I wentto seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried toHim in these words, with strong cries: O Lord, I beseech Thee, show me that Thou hast loved me with everlasting love. Jer. Xxxi. 3. I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned uponme, as an echo, or sounding again, I have loved thee with aneverlasting love. Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakenedthe next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it. 

191. But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be solittle as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to thenbreak my peace. Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meetwith; as I strove to hold by this word, that of Esau would fly inmy face like lightning: I should be sometimes up and down twentytimes in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart uponthis word; from which I had also, for several days together, verymuch sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon: for thus it wasmade out unto me, I loved thee whilst thou wast committing thissin, I loved thee before, I love thee still, and I will love theefor ever. 

192. Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, andcould not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God: wherefore I feltmy soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearntowards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward megood for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burnwithin to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this timesuch a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for theabuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had Ihad a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freelythen have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord andSaviour. 

193. And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, consideringhow to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that sayingcame in upon me, If Thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, O Lord, who should stand? But there is forgiveness with Thee, that Thoumayest be feared. Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there isforgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, asthen I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence;for it was thus made out to me, That the great God did set so highan esteem upon the love of His poor creatures, that rather than Hewould go without their love, He would pardon their transgressions. 

194. And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was alsorefreshed by it; That thou mayest remember and be confounded, andnever open thy mouth any more, because of thy shame, when I ampacified toward thee for all that thou hast done, saith the LordGod. Ezek. Xvi. 63. Thus was my soul at this time (and as I thendid think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with myformer guilt and amazement. 

195. But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I mightbe deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration camestrong into my mind, That whatever comfort and peace I thought Imight have from the word of the promise of life, yet unless therecould be found in my refreshment, a concurrence and agreement inthe scriptures, let me think what I will thereof, and hold it neverso fast, I should find no such thing at the end; And the scripturecannot be broken. John x. 35. 

196. Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet witha disappointment at last. Wherefore I began with all seriousnessto examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that hadsinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon thefaithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had beencomforted, and on which I had leaned myself: but now were broughtthose sayings to my mind. For it is impossible for those who wereonce enlightened, and have tasted of the heavenly gift, and weremade partakers of the Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word ofGod, and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fall away, to renew them again unto repentance. Heb. Vi. 4-6. For, if we sinwilfully, after we have received the knowledge of the truth, thereremains no more sacrifice for sin, but a certain fearful lookingfor of judgment, and fiery indignation, which shall devour theadversaries. Heb. X. 26, 27. As Esau, who for one morsel of meat, sold his birthright. For ye know how that afterward, when he wouldhave inherited the blessing, he was rejected; for he found no placeof repentance, though he sought it carefully with tears. Heb. Xii. 16, 17. 

197. Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so thatno promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me:and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy, as other people. Hos. Ix. 1. ForI saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held toJesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, andleft myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the staysand props in the precious word of life. 

198. And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as anhouse whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in thiscondition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl inthe water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand norfoot, therefore at last it must die in that condition. So soon asthis fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture cameinto my heart, This for many days. Dan. X. 14. And indeed I foundit was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peaceagain, until well nigh two years and a half were completelyfinished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tendedto discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would beeternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me. 

199. For, thought I, many days are not for ever, many days willhave an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few butmany days, yet I was glad it was but for many days. Thus, I say, Iwould recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soonas ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my troublewould be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could notalways think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did. 

200. Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew atmy door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourageme to prayer: then the tempter laid again at me very sore, suggesting, That neither the mercy of God, nor yet the blood ofChrist, did at all concern me, nor could they help me for my sin;therefore it was but in vain to pray. Yet, thought I, I will pray. But, said the tempter, your sin is unpardonable. Well, said I, Iwill pray. 'Tis to no boot, said he. Yet said I, I will pray. SoI went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered wordsto this effect: Lord, Satan tells me, that neither Thy mercy, norChrist's blood, is sufficient to save my soul: Lord, shall Ihonour Thee most, by believing Thou wilt, and canst? or him, bybelieving Thou neither wilt not nor canst? Lord, I would fainhonour Thee, by believing Thou wilt and canst. 

201. And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened onmy heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. Xv. 28, even as if onehad clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God: yet Iwas not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, tillalmost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, orthat there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore Ishould still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and wentmourning up and down in a sad condition. 

202. There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be putout of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehementlydesiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words camerolling into my mind, Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will Hebe favourable no more? Is His mercy clean gone for ever? Doth Hispromise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious?Hath He in anger shut up His tender mercies? Ps. Lxxvii. 7-9. Andall the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this asthe answer, 'Tis a question whether He hath or no: it may be Hehath not. Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it asure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, butwould be favourable: that His promise doth not fail, and that Hehad not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tendermercy. Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweetenmy heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quitegone, nor clean gone for ever. 

203. At another time I remembered, I was again much under thisquestion, Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save mysoul? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven oreight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite wornout with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words didsound suddenly within my heart: He is able. But methought, thisword able, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a great word, itseemed to be writ in great letters, and gave such a jostle to myfear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which wasabout a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either beforeor after. Heb. Vii. 25. 

204. But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling underthe fear of this, That no word of God could help me, that piece ofa sentence darted in upon me, My grace is sufficient. At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes. But, oh!how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about afortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then Ithought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore Ithrew down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not largeenough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it hadarms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but manymore such as I besides. 

205. By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceedingconflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peacewould be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold. And this wasnot only now and then, but my whole seven weeks' experience: forthis about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau's partingwith his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind;sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again theother; according to which would be my peace or trouble. 

206. Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in withthis scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would helpme to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that Hegave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet itonly helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; My grace issufficient: And though it came no farther, it answered my formerquestion, to wit, That there was hope; yet because for thee wasleft out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also. Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God's people, fullof sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my casemost sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenlybreak in upon me; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace issufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, three timestogether: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word untome; as My, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be. 

207. At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I wasas though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, throughthe tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me. This sent memourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, andlaid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean inthis glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me forseveral weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as thatpowerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, aboutEsau, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pairof scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror. 

208. Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, andsometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment wouldbe very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep meout of heaven. Then again I would begin to repent that ever thatthought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: Why, how many scriptures are there against me? There are but three orfour; And cannot God miss them, and save me for all them?Sometimes again I would think, Oh! if it were not for these threeor four words, now how might I be comforted! And I could hardlyforbear at some times, to wish them out of the book. 

209. Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul, andJohn, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold mein derision; and as if they had said unto me, All our words aretruth, one of as much force as another: it is not we that have cutyou of, but you have cast away yourself. There is none of oursentences that you must take hold upon, but these and such asthese; it is impossible, Heb. Vi. ; there remains no more sacrificefor sin, Heb. X. And it had been better for them not to have knownthe will of God, than after they had known it, to turn from theholy commandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21. For theScriptures cannot be broken. John x. 35. 

210. These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to bejudges both of my case and me, while I stood with the avenger ofblood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; alsowith a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shutme out for ever. Joshua xx. 3. 4. 

211. Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to besatisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree inthe salvation of my soul? I quaked at the apostles; I knew theirwords were true, and that they must stand for ever. 

212. And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to the nature ofseveral scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of Esau, then tormented. Lord, thought I, if both these scriptures should meet in my heart atonce, I wonder which of them would get the better of me. Somethought I had a longing mind that they might come both togetherupon me; yea, I desired of God they might. 

213. Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; theybolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangelyin me for a while; at last that about Esau's birthright began towax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiencyof grace prevailed with peace and joy. And as I was in a museabout this thing, that scripture came in upon me, Mercy rejoicethagainst judgment. James ii. 13. 

214. This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think itwas of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place tothe word of life and grace; because, though the word ofcondemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation dothfar exceed in glory. 2 Cor. Iii. 8-11. Mark ix. 5-7. John vi. 37. Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and leave Christand His saints alone. 

215. This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; Andhim that cometh to Me, I will in no wise cast out. Oh! the comfortthat I had from this word, in no wise! As who should say, By nomeans, for nothing whatever he hath done. But Satan would greatlylabour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, That Christ didnot mean me and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that hadnot done as I had done. But I would answer him again, Satan, hereis in these words no such exception; but him that comes, him, anyhim: him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out. And this Iwell remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used totake this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put thisquestion, But do you come aright? And I have thought the reasonwas, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was;for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile andungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemningmyself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of Godin all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make! It was for this inJohn, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and Ipulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got somesweetness from it. 

216. But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words ofgrace, yet that of Esau's selling of his birthright, would still attimes distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetlycomforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into mymind, 'twould make me fear again: I could not be quite ridthereof, 'twould every day be with me: wherefore now I wentanother way to work, even to consider the nature of thisblasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at thelargest, and give them their own natural force and scope, evenevery word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, thatif they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; That I hadfreely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He wouldbe my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go, if He will. Then that scripture gave me hope, I will never leavethee, nor forsake thee. Heb. Xiii. 5. 'O Lord, ' said I, but Ihave left Thee. Then it answered again, But I will not leave thee. For this I thanked God also. 

217. Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceedinghard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have beenexceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then Ithought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, haveleaned on His grace. I saw it was with me, as it was with Joseph'sbrethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill themwith fears that their brother would at last despise them. Gen. L. 15, 16, etc. 

218. Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that inJoshua xx. Was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of theslayer that was to flee for refuge: And if the avenger of bloodpursue the slayer, then saith Moses, they that are the elders ofthe city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands, because hesmote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime. Oh!blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was theslayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with greatterror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right toenter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, who lay inwait to shed blood: It was not the wilful murderer, but he whounwittingly did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, orgrudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who didnot hate his neighbour before. Wherefore, 219. I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I hadsmitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated Him not aforetime. Ihated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender ofsinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I hadstrove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did passthrough my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thoughtI had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are theapostles, were not to deliver me up. This therefore was greatcomfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope. 

220. Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knewnot what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question thatmy soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, Whetherit be possible for any soul that hath sinned the unpardonable sin, yet after that to receive, though but the least, true spiritualcomfort from God though Christ? The which after I had muchconsidered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and thatfor these reasons:-

221. First, Because those that have sinned that sin, they aredebarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out ofthat, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and soof spiritual comfort; For to such there remains no more sacrificefor sin. Heb. X. 26, 27. Secondly, Because they are denied ashare in the promise of life: It shall never be forgiven himneither in this world, neither in the world to come. Matt. Xii. 32. Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in Hisblessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, bothbefore His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven. Markviii. 

222. When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and thattoo after this my wicked sin: then methought I durst venture tocome nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, withwhich all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on whichindeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado anhundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for Ithought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take somemeasure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, andconsider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency. 

223. The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed:for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did: andfirst I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yet trembling for fear itshould strike me; which when I had considered, I found that thefalling there intended, was a falling quite away; that is as Iconceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, ofremission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostlebegins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4. Secondly, I found thatthis falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as to put Christ to an open shame. Thirdly, I found thosehe there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, hardness, and impenitency: It is impossible they should be renewedagain unto repentance. By all these particulars, I found to God'severlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended. 

First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, fromthe profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life. 

Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by mysin, but not to open shame; I did not deny Him before men, norcondemn Him as a fruitless One before the world. 

Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me tocome (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrowand repentance: blessed be God for unsearchable grace!

224. Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the Hebrews, and found that the wilful sin there mentioned, is not every wilfulsin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then Hiscommandments too. Secondly, That must be done also openly, beforetwo or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, verse 28. Thirdly, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite doneto the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from thatsin, and the persuasions to the contrary. But the Lord knows, though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these. 

225. And as touching that in the 12th of the Hebrews, about Esau'sselling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, First, that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour ofhis mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, and that after some deliberation, Gen. Xxv. Secondly, It was apublic and open action, even before his brother, if not before manymore; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwiseit would have been. Thirdly, He continued to slight hisbirthright: He did eat and drink, and went his way: thus Esaudespised his birthright, yea, twenty years after he was found todespise it still. And Esau said, I have enough, my brother, keepthat thou hast unto thyself. Gen. Xxxiii. 9. 

226. Now as touching this, that Esau sought a place of repentance;thus I thought: First, This was not for the birthright, but theblessing: this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished byEsau himself; He took away my birthright (that is, formerly); andbehold now he hath taken away my blessing. Gen. Xxvii. 36. Secondly, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to theapostle, to see what might be the mind of God, in a New-Testamentstyle and sense concerning Esau's sin; and so far as I couldconceive, this was the mind of God, that the birthright signifiedregeneration, and the blessing, the eternal inheritance; for so theapostle seems to hint. Lest there be any profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright; as if he shouldsay, That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, thatat present are upon him, in order to a new-birth; lest they becomeas Esau, even be rejected afterwards, when they would inherit theblessing. 

227. For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, whoyet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lord as Esau, Lord, Lord, open to us; but then, as Isaac would not repent, no more willGod the Father, but will say, I have blessed these, yea, and theyshall be blessed; but as for you, Depart, you are the workers ofiniquity. Gen. Xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25-27. 

228. When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found thatthus to understand them, was not against, but according to otherscriptures; this still added further to my encouragement andcomfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to wit, Thatthe scriptures could not agree in the salvation of my soul. Andnow remained only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunderwas gone beyond me, only some drops did still remain, that now andthen would fall upon me; but because my former frights and anguishwere very sore and deep, therefore it oft befall me still, as itbefalleth those that have been scared with fire. I thought everyvoice was, Fire! fire! Every little touch would hurt my tenderconscience. 

229. But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too withsome dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, Thy righteousness is inheaven; and methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, JesusChrist at God's right hand: there, I say, was my righteousness; sothat wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, God could not say ofme, He wants My righteousness; for that was just before Him. Ialso saw moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that mademy righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made myrighteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, The same yesterday, to-day, and for ever. Heb. Xiii. 8. 

230. Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed frommy afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so thatfrom that time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to troubleme: now went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God;so when I came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence;Thy righteousness is in heaven, but could not find such a saying;wherefore my heart began to sink again, only that was brought to myremembrance, 1 Cor. I. 30, Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto uswisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption; bythis word I saw the other sentence true. 

231. For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as Heis distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is ourrighteousness and sanctification before God. Here therefore Ilived, for some time, very sweetly at peace with God throughChrist; Oh! methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christthat was before my eyes: I was not now (only) for looking uponthis and the other benefits of Christ apart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a whole Christ! asHe in whom all these, and all His other virtues, relations, officesand operations met together, and that He sat on the right hand ofGod in heaven. 

232. 'Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth andprevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could lookfrom myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of Godthat now were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groatsand fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, whentheir gold is in their trunks at home: Oh! I saw my gold was in mytrunk at home! In Christ my Lord and Saviour. Now Christ was all;all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and allmy redemption. 

233. Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of unionwith the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh ofHis flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to mein Eph. V. 30. By this also was my faith in Him, as myrighteousness, the more confirmed in me; for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine, His victory alsomine. Now could I see myself in heaven and earth at once: inheaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness and life, though on earth by my body or person. 

234. Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and shouldalso be looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whomall the whole body of His elect are always to be considered andreckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose fromthe dead by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, andhell, by Him; when He died, we died, and so of His resurrection. Thy dead men shall live, together with My dead body shall theyarise, saith He. Isa. Xxvi. 19. And again, after two days He willrevive us, and the third day He will raise us up, and we shall livein His sight. Hosea vi. 2. Which is now fulfilled by the sittingdown of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in theheavens; according to that to the Ephesians, And hath raised us uptogether, and made us sit together in heavenly places in ChristJesus. Eph. Ii. 6. 

235. Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with manyothers of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mineeyes; so that I have cause to say, Praise ye the Lord. Praise Godin His sanctuary, praise Him in the firmament of His power; praiseHim for His mighty acts: praise Him according to His excellentgreatness. Psalm cl. 1, 2. 

236. Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrowand affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terrorthat this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given youalso a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet andblessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dweltabout a twelvemonth with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration: Iwill now (God willing), before I proceed any farther, give you in aword or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation;and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto mysoul. 

237. For the causes, I conceived they were principally two: ofwhich two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble layupon me. The first was, for that I did not, when I was deliveredfrom the temptation that went before, still pray to God to to keepme from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can sayin truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at the most principally, for the removalof present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love inChrist, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also shouldhave prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that wasto come. 

238. Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holyDavid, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that Godwould hold him back from sin and temptation to come; Then, saithhe, shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the greattransgression. Psalm xix. 13. By this very word was I galled andcondemned quite through this long temptation. 

239. That was also another word that did much condemn me for myfolly, in the neglect of this duty. Heb. Iv. 16: Let us thereforecome boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, andfind grace to help in time of need. This I had not done, andtherefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what iswritten, Pray that ye enter not into temptation. And truly thisvery thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that Idare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until Iintreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are tocome; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware ofmy negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did fordays, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo. 

240. Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God;and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wife was great withchild, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a womanin travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she wouldhave fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of anuntimely birth: now at this very time it was, that I had been sostrongly tempted to question the being of God; wherefore, as mywife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, if Thou wilt now remove this sadaffliction from my wife, and cause that she be troubled no moretherewith this night (and now were her pangs just upon her), then Ishall know that Thou canst discern the most secret thoughts of theheart. 

241. I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were takenfrom her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued tillmorning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think;but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came uponme again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and howthe Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which wasa great astonishment unto me for several weeks after. 

242. Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinfulthought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wickedheart, even this thought, Let Christ go, if He will: so when I wasfallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my otherthought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me withthis retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, Now you maysee that God doth know the most secret thoughts of the heart. 

243. And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt theLord, and His servant Gideon, fell upon my spirit; how because thatGideon tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when heshould have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lorddid afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerablecompany of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, withoutany strength or help. Judges vi. 7. Thus He served me, and thatjustly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an ifupon the all-seeingness of God. 

244. And now to show you something of the advantages that I alsohave gained by this temptation: and first, by this I was madecontinually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both ofthe blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in thetemptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world to come:I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism, butnow the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ continuallybefore my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way ofexceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God, didat this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion ofChrist did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Himbut as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was asthe continual breaking of my bones. 

245. The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw thatthe truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom ofheaven; those that the scriptures favour, they must inherit bliss;but those that they oppose and condemn, must perish for evermore:Oh! this word, For the scriptures cannot be broken, would rend thecaul of my heart: and so would that other, Whose sins ye remit, they are remitted; but whose sins ye retain, they are retained. Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge. Joshua xx. 4. Those that they were to receive in, were received tolife; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by the avengerof blood. 

246. Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict andterrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (assometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an armyof forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be tohim against whom the scriptures bend themselves!

247. By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature ofthe promises than ever I was before; for I lying now tremblingunder the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by thethundering of His justice: this made me with careful heart, andwatchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, andwith much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider everysentence, together with its natural force and latitude. 

248. By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from myformer foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when sawit came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfortand sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw: formerly Ithought I might not meddle with the promise, unless I felt itscomfort, but now 'twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood toohardly did pursue me. 

249. Now therefore I was glad to catch at that word which yet Ifeared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into thebosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart againstme. Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid itdown, without restraining the natural force of one syllablethereof: O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John: Andhim that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out. John vi. 37. Now I began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouthto speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought alsowith myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in anunadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in verytruth and faithfulness. 2 Sam. Iii. 28. 

250. I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, evenflounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almostbereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, andleave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it. Oh!many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth ofJohn: I did not now, as at other times, look principally forcomfort (though, O how welcome would it have been unto me!). Butnow a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might notsink for ever! 'twas that I hunted for. 

251. Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I haveseen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often asif I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should thinkof Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law. Esther iv. 16. I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who wentwith ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy. 1 Kingsxx. 31, etc. The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, though called dog by Christ, Matt. Xv. , 22, etc. , and the man thatwent to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5-8, etc. , were greatencouragements unto me. 

252. I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, andmercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out greatgrace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercyof God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high andmighty. When Job had passed through his captivity, he had twice asmuch as he had before. Job xlii. 10. Blessed be God for JesusChrist our Lord. Many other things I might here make observationof, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omitthem; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did. 

I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from thistemptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that Icould hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measure amazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense ofit had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable forbusiness. 

253. Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of theLord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of thetemptations I then did meet withal. I shall begin with what I metwith when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God inBedford. After I had propounded to the church, that my desire wasto walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and wasalso admitted by them: while I thought of that blessed ordinanceof Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before Hisdeath, that scripture, Do this in remembrance of Me, Luke xxii. 19, was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did comedown upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for mysins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue ofthe same. But behold, I had not been long a partaker at thatordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at alltimes therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish somedeadly thing to those that then did eat thereof: that lest Ishould at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked andfearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, topray to God to keep me from such blasphemies: and also to cry toGod to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth tomouth. The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was, because I did not with that reverence that became me at first, approach to partake thereof. 

254. Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and couldnever have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came in upon mysoul with that same scripture, by which my soul was visited before:and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable inthe partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, thereindiscerned the Lord's body, as broken for my sins, and that Hisprecious blood hath been shed for my transgressions. 

255. Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought Icould not live. Now began I afresh to give myself up to a seriousexamination after my state and condition for the future, and of myevidences for that blessed world to come: for it hath, I bless thename of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in theday of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life tocome, clear before mine eyes. 

256. But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my formerexperience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there cameflocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins andtransgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to myaffliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holyduties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all goodthings, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this atthe end of all, Are these the fruits of Christianity? Are thesetokens of a blessed man?

257. At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubledupon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was cloggedwith guilt; now also was my former experience of God's goodness tome, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatly pinched between these twoconsiderations, Live I must not, die I dare not. Now I sunk andfell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I waswalking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, Ye are justified freely byHis grace, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Rom. Iii. 24. But oh! what a turn it made upon me!

258. Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep anddream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I hadheard it thus expounded to me: Sinner, thou thinkest, that becausethy sins and infirmities, I cannot save thy soul; but behold My Sonis by me, and upon Him I look, and not on thee, and shall deal withthee according as I am pleased with Him. At this I was greatlylightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God couldjustify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done. 

259. And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came withgreat power upon my spirit, Not by works of righteousness that wehave done, but according to His mercy He hath saved us, etc. 2Tim. I. 9; Tit. Iii. 5. Now was I got on high, I saw myself withinthe arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid tothink of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, Let me die: Now death waslovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw We shall never liveindeed, till we be gone to the other world. Oh! methought thislife is but a slumber, in comparison with that above. At this timealso I saw more in these words, Heirs of God, Rom. Viii. 17, thanever I shall be able to express while I live in this world: Heirsof God! God Himself is the portion of the saints. This I saw andwondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw. 

260. Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all thattime also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is muchfor assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards thegrave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me myformer experience of God's goodness: also setting before me theterrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at thistime, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), Iwas as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myselfalready descending into the pit; methought I said, There were noway, but to hell I must: but behold, just as I was in the midst ofthose fears, these words of the angel's carrying Lazarus intoAbraham's bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, So it shallbe with thee when thou dost leave this world. This did sweetlyrevive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had withcomfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon mymind, O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?1 Cor. Xv. 55. At this I became both well in body and mind atonce, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walkedcomfortably in my work for God again. 

261. At another time, though just before I was pretty well andsavoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloudof darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God andChrist, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life:I was also so over-run in my soul with a senseless heartless frameof spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir aftergrace and life by Christ; I was as if my loins were broken, or asif my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains. At thistime also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, whichmade still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable tome. 

262. After I had been in this condition some three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound inmy heart, I must go to Jesus. At this my former darkness andatheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in myview. While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, I must go to Jesus?She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to seeif I could remember such a place: I had not sat above two or threeminutes, but that came bolting in upon me, And to an innumerablecompany of angels; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mountSion, was set before mine eyes. Heb. Xii. 22-24. 

263. Then with joy I told my wife, O! now I know, I know! Butthat night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; Ilonged for the company of some of God's people, that I might haveimparted unto them what God had showed me. Christ was a preciousChrist to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, and triumph, through Christ. This great glory did notcontinue upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author tothe Hebrews, Heb. Xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me formany days together after this. 

264. The words are these: Ye are come to mount Sion, and unto thecity of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to aninnumerable company of angels, to the general assembly and churchof the first-born, which are written in heaven; and to God theJudge of all, and to the spirits of just men made perfect, and toJesus the Mediator of the New Covenant, and to the blood ofsprinkling, that speaketh better things than that of Abel. Throughthis blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to thisword, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every oneof them. These words also have oft since that time, been greatrefreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me. 

A brief Account of the Author's Call to the Work of the Ministry

265. And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this placethrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and ofGod's dealing with me in that particular also. For after I hadbeen about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to seeboth the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabledto venture my soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saintswith us, I say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, asthey conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worth tounderstand something of His will in His holy and blessed word, andhad given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw toothers, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that withmuch earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take inhand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation untothem. 

266. The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash myspirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consentedto their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but inprivate), though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my giftamongst them; at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnlyprotest, as in the sight of the great God, they were both affectedand comforted; and gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for thegrace bestowed on me. 

267. After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into thecountry to teach, they would also that I should go with them;where, though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use of my giftin an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst thegood people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word ofadmonition unto them also; the which they, as the other, receivedwith rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing theirsouls were edified thereby. 

268. Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by thechurch, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I wasmore particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinaryand public preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them thatbelieved, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yetreceived the faith thereof; about which time I did evidently findin my mind a secret pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, not for desire of vain-glory; for at that time I was most sorelyafflicted with the fiery darts of the devil, concerning my eternalstate. 

269. But yet could not be content, unless I was found in theexercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, notonly by the continual desires of the godly, but also by that sayingof Paul to the Corinthians: I beseech you, brethren (ye know thehousehold of Stephanas, that it is the first fruits of Achaia, andthat they have addicted themselves to the ministry of the saints)that ye submit yourselves unto such, and to every one that helpethwith us, and laboureth. 1 Cor. Xvi. 15, 16. 

270. By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost neverintended that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them inthe earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exerciseof their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and readyso to do. They have addicted themselves to the ministry of thesaints. This scripture, in these days, did continually run in mymind, to encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God; Ihave also been encouraged from several other scriptures andexamples of the godly, both specified in the word, and otherancient histories: Acts viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc. ; 1 Pet. Iv. 10; Rom. Xii. 6; Fox's Acts and Mon. 

271. Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the mostunworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight ofmy own weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to mygift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospelthat God had showed me in the holy word of truth: which when thecountry understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds, andthat from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts. 

272. And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels andpity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, withgreat diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, if God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; inwhich also the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant;for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched, andbe greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of thegreatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ. 

273. But I first could not believe that God should speak by me tothe heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those whothus were touched, would love me and have a particular respect forme; and though I did put it from me, that they should be awakenedby me, still they would confess it, and affirm it before the saintsof God: they would also bless God for me (unworthy wretch that Iam!) and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way ofsalvation. 

274. Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be soconstant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after theknowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send mewhere they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that Godhad owned in His work such a foolish one as I; and then came thatword of God to my heart, with much sweet refreshment, The blessingof him that was ready to perish, is come upon me; and I caused thewidow's heart to sing for joy. Job xxix. 13. 

275. At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whomGod did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace andencouragement to me: for I thought on those sayings, Who is Hethen that maketh me glad, but the same which is made sorry by Me?2 Cor. Ii. 2. And again, If I be not an Apostle to others, yetdoubtless, I am unto you: for the seal of mine apostleship are yein the Lord. 1 Cor. Ix. 2. These things, therefore, were asanother argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stood byme in this work. 

276. In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of thisone thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where Hisword begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and toopen and allege, that the curse of God by the law, doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as they come into the world, because ofsin. Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense; forthe terrors of the law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavyon my conscience: I preached what I felt, what I smartingly didfeel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble toastonishment. 

277. Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I wentmyself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried thatfire in my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of. Ican truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have beento preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpitdoor, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at libertyin my mind until I have done my work; and then immediately, evenbefore I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as Iwas before; yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work. 

278. Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out againstmen's sins, and their fearful state because of them. After which, the Lord came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace andcomfort through Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveriesof His blessed grace through Him; wherefore now I altered in mypreaching (for still I preached what I saw and felt); now thereforeI did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the world; and did strive also todiscover, to condemn, and remove those false supports and props onwhich the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish. Onthese things also I staid as long as on the other. 

279. After this, God led me into something of the mystery of theunion of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to themalso. And, when I had travelled through these three chief pointsof the word of God, about the space of five years or more, I wascaught in my present practice, and cast into prison, where I havelain above as long again to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures, ina way of preaching. 

280. When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hathoften all the time of this and the other exercise, with greatearnestness cried to God that He would make the word effectual tothe salvation of the soul; still being grieved lest the enemyshould take the word away from the conscience, and so it shouldbecome unfruitful: wherefore I should labour to speak the word, asthat thereby, if it were possible, the sin and person guilty mightbe particularized by it. 

281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; stillwishing from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak thisday, did but see as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse ofGod is; and also what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yetestranged from Him. And indeed, I did often say in my heart beforethe Lord, That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes, would be a means to awaken them, and confirm them in the truth, Igladly should be contented. 

282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have beenengaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if anangel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hathbeen with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, whileI have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and tofasten it upon the conscience of others; that I could not becontented with saying, I believe, and am sure; methought I was morethan sure (if it be lawful to express myself) that those thingswhich then I asserted, were true. 

283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors andpriests of the country did open wide against me. But I waspersuaded of this, not to render railing for railing; but to seehow many of their carnal professors I could convince of theirmiserable state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ:for, thought I, This shall answer for me in time to come, when theyshall be for my hire before their face. Gen. Xxx. 33. 

284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowestnature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestnessfor the word of faith, and the remission of sins by the death andsufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to other things, I should letthem alone, because I saw they engendered strife; and because thatthey neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to Godto be His: besides, I saw my work before me did run into anotherchannel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did Istick and adhere. 

285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men'slines, Rom. Xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verilythought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by theword and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stoodto, by the soundest and best established conscience; and though Iwill not now speak all that I know in this matter, yet myexperience hath more interest in that text of scripture, Gal. I. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware. 

286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did afterthat fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, theirloss hath been more to me, than if one of my own children, begottenof my own body, had been going to its grave: I think verily, I mayspeak it without any offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so nearme as that; unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation ofmy own soul. I have counted as if I had goodly buildings andlordships in those places where my children were born; my hearthath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that Icounted myself more blessed and honoured of God by this, than if Hehad made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of allthe glory of the earth without it! Oh these words! He whichconverteth the sinner from the error of his way, shall save a soulfrom death. James v. 20. The fruit of the righteous is a tree oflife; and he that winneth souls is wise. Prov. Xi. 30. They thatbe wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament, and theythat turn many to righteousness, as the stars for ever and ever. Dan. Xii. 3. For what is our hope, or joy, or crown of rejoicing?Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at Hiscoming? For ye are our glory and joy. 1 Thes. Ii. 19, 20. These, I say, with many others of a like nature, have been greatrefreshments to me. 

287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, todesire I might preach there: I have also observed, that such andsuch souls in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, andI stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very soulshave, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. Ihave observed, that a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done moreexecution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides: sometimesalso, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most ofall; and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I havefished for nothing. 

288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to doupon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts andby the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wickedworld hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word:I could instance particulars, but I forbear. 

289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get intothe darkest places of the country, even amongst those people thatwere farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endurethe light (for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because Ifound my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also;Yea, so have I strived to preach the gospel, not where Christ wasnamed, lest I should build upon another man's foundation. Rom. Xv. 20. 

290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as itwere, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I besatisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I werefruitless, it mattered not who commanded me: but if I werefruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that:Lo! children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the wombis His reward. --As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so arechildren of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver fullof them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with theenemies in the gate. Psalm cxxvii. 3-5. 

291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, ifthey seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their ownsalvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and aheart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathingsafter a truly sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me;those were the souls I counted blessed. 

292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptationsattending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should beassaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I shouldnot be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that Ishould not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times Ishould have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seizeupon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to theplace of exercise. 

293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have beenviolently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and stronglytempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the wordwith much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estrangedfrom the things I have been speaking, and have been also sostraightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, thatI have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have beenabout; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of myexercise. 

294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach uponsome smart and searching portion of the word, I have found thetempter suggest, What! will you preach this! This condemnsyourself; of this your own soul is guilty; wherefore preach not ofit at all; or if you do, yet so mince it, as to make way for yourown escape; lest instead of awakening others, you lay that guiltupon your own soul, that you will never get from under. 

295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting tothese so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowedmyself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I did bring guiltupon my own conscience: Let me die (thought I), with thePhilistines, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly withthe blessed word of God. Thou that teachest another, teachest thounot thyself? It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even bypreaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be God for His helpalso in this. 

296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, beenoften tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I darenot say, I have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord ofHis precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for themost part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing:for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil ofmy own heart, and still made to see such a multitude of corruptionsand infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of thehead under all my gifts and attainments; I have felt this thorn inthe flesh, 2 Cor. Xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of God to me. 

297. I have also had, together with this, some notable place orother of the word presented before me, which word hath contained init some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of thesoul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hathbeen of great use to me: Though I speak with the tongues of menand angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, and a tinkling cymbal. 1 Cor. Xiii. 1, 2. 

298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which askilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yetbehold the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then theinstrument at last may come to nought and perish, though in timespast such music hath been made upon it. 

299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who havegifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, asthe cymbal in the hand of David: and as David could with thecymbal make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate thehearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men, aswith them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet whenHe hath done all, hang them by, as lifeless, though soundingcymbals. 

300. This consideration therefore, together with some others, werefor the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire ofvain-glory. What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am asounding brass? Is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the leastcreature that hath life, more of God in it than these? Besides, Iknew 'twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish:so I concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the truefear of God, is better than all the gifts: yea, and I am fullyconvinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce givea man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I say, itis possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so tobe more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by thevirtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves likeangels. 

301. Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts inthemselves were good, to the thing for which they are designed, towit, the edification of others; yet empty, and without power tosave the soul of him that hath them, if they be alone: neither arethey, as so, any sign of a man's state to be happy, being only adispensation of God to some, of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little love more is over, give anaccount to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead. 

302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them thathave them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc. , all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation ofevery unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature tofall into the condemnation of the devil. 

303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let intoa sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short ofmaking of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest inthem, and so fall short of the grace of God. 

304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little inhis own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not hisown, but the churches; and that by them he is made a servant to thechurch; and he must also give at last an account of his stewardshipunto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessedthing. 

305. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of theLord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and smallgifts are better than great gifts and no grace. It doth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory;and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, truegrace; for that is a certain forerunner of glory. 

306. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting andassaulting of me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrowthe ministry, and make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof:then he tried another way, which was, to stir up the minds of theignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and reproaches:now therefore I may say, that what the devil could devise, and hisinstruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they should make myministry to be abandoned. 

 307. It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among thepeople, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like. 

 308. To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I aminnocent. But as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves tomeet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer forall these things (with all the rest of their iniquities) unless Godshall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with allmy heart. 

309. But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that I had my misses, my whores, my bastards; yea, two wives atonce, and the like. Now these slanders (with the others) I gloryin, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoodscast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should I not be dealtwith thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of God. Blessed are ye (said the Lord Jesus) when menshall revile you and persecute you, and shall say all manner ofevil against you falsely for My sake; rejoice and be exceedingglad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so persecuted theythe prophets which were before you. Matt. Iv. 11. 

310. These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble menot; no, though they were twenty times more than they are. I havea good conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my goodconversation in Christ. 

311. So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespatteredme? Shall I threaten them? Shall I chide them? Shall I flatterthem? Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues? No, not I. Were it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authors and abettors, I would say unto them, Reportit, because 'twill increase my glory. 

312. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as anornament; it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached and reviled; and since all this is nothingelse, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice inreproaches for Christ's sake. 

313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made itany thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-namedof me; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or thelike. When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and madethe fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, thatthere is any woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, Ihave at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much asattempted to be naught with them; and speak I thus to beg myenemies into a good esteem of me? No, not I: I will in this begbelief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all is a-caseto me. 

314. My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I amnot the man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all thefornicators and adulterers in England were hanged up by the necktill they be dead, John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would bestill alive and well. I know not whether there be such a thing asa woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by theirapparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife. 

315. And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shyof women from my first conversion until now. Those shy of womenknow, and can also bear me witness, with whom I have been mostintimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry itpleasant towards a woman: the common salutation of women I abhor;'tis odious to me in whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, Icannot away with; I seldom so much as touch a woman's hand; for Ithink these things are not so becoming me. When I have seen goodmen salute those women that they have visited, or that have visitedthem, I have at times made my objection against it; and when theyhave answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have toldthem, it is not a comely sight. Some indeed have urged the holykiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they didsalute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? Thus, howlaudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, theyhave been unseemly in my sight. 

316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with anywoman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time;knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call Godfor a record upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent. Notthat I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, morethan any other; but God has been merciful to me, and has kept me;to whom I pray that He will keep me still, not only from this, butevery evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom. Amen. 

317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make mevile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might bemade of none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tediousimprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my servicefor Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear mepreach; of which I shall in the next place give you a briefaccount. 

A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S IMPRISONMENT

318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ along time, and preached the same about five years, I wasapprehended at a meeting of good people in the country (among whom, had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, but theytook me away from amongst them), and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered security for my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties would not consent to be boundthat I should preach no more to the people. 

319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder andmaintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for notconforming to the national worship of the church of England; andafter some conference there with the justices, they taking my plaindealing with them for a confession, as they termed it, of theindictment, did sentence me to a perpetual banishment, because Irefused to conform. So being again delivered up to the jailer'shands, I was had home to prison, and there have lain now completetwelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer these men to dowith me. 

320. In which condition I have continued with much content, through grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon myheart, both from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by allwhich (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have also received among manythings, much conviction, instruction, and understanding, of whichat large I shall not here discourse; only give you a hint or two, aword that may stir up the godly to bless God, and to pray for me;and also to take encouragement, should the case be their own--notto fear what man can do unto them. 

321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word ofGod as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, aremade in this place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ alsowas never more real and apparent than now; here I have seen andfelt Him indeed: Oh! that word, We have not preached unto youcunningly devised fables, 2 Pet. I. 16, and that, God raised Christfrom the dead, and gave Him glory, that our faith and hope might bein God 1 Pet. I. 21, were blessed words unto me in this myimprisoned condition. 

322. These three or four scriptures also have been greatrefreshments in this condition to me: John xiv. 1-4; John xvi. 33;Col. Iii. 3, 4; Heb. Xii. 22-24. So that sometimes when I havebeen in the savour of them, I have been able to laugh atdestruction, and to fear neither the horse nor his rider. I havehad sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, andof my being with Jesus in another world: Oh! the mount Sion, theheavenly Jerusalem, the innumerable company of angels, and God theJudge of all, and the spirits of just men made perfect, and Jesus, have been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that here, thatI am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able toexpress: I have seen a truth in this scripture, Whom having notseen, ye love; in whom, though now you see Him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable, and full of glory. 1 Pet. I. 8. 

323. I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc. , as I have foundHim since I came in hither: for look how fears have presentedthemselves, so have supports and encouragements; yea, when I havestarted, even as it were, at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath not suffered me to be molested, but would with one scripture or another, strengthen me against all;insomuch that I have often said, were it lawful, I could pray forgreater trouble, for the greater comfort's sake. Eccl. Vii. 14; 2Cor. I. 5. 

324. Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and hadespecially two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, how to be able to encounter death, should that be here my portion. For the first of these, that scripture, Col. I. 11, was greatinformation to me, namely, to pray to God to be strengthened withall might, according to His glorious power, unto all patience andlong-suffering with joyfulness. I could seldom go to prayer beforeI was imprisoned; but for not so little as a year together, thissentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself intomy mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through long-suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endureit joyfully. 

325. As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor. I. 9)was of great use to me, But we had the sentence of death inourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God, whichraiseth the dead. By this scripture I was made to see, That ifever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of deathupon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, myenjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them. 

326. The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paulsaid in another place; the way not to faint is, To look not on thethings that are seen, but at the things that are not seen; for thethings that are seen are temporal, but the things that are not seenare eternal. And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide onlyfor a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so doth also thepillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I am not fit forbanishment. Further, if I conclude that banishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am surprised: so that I see, the best wayto go through sufferings, is to trust in God through Christ, astouching the world to come; and as touching this world, to countthe grave my house, to make my bed in darkness; to say tocorruption, Thou art my father, and to the worm, Thou art my motherand sister: that is, to familiarize these things to me. 

327. But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man andcompassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poorchildren, hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling theflesh from the bones, and that not only because I am somewhat toofond of these great mercies, but also because I should have oftenbrought to my mind the many hardships, miseries, and wants that mypoor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than allbesides: Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my poor blindone might go under, would break my heart to pieces. 

328. Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have forthy portion in this world! Thou must be beaten, must beg, sufferhunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannotnow endure the wind should blow upon thee. But yet recallingmyself, thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goethto the quick to leave you: Oh! I saw in this condition I was as aman who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife andchildren; yet, thought I, I must do it, I must do it: and now Ithought on those two milch kine that were to carry the ark of Godinto another country, and to leave their calves behind them. 1Sam. Vi. 10-12. 

329. But that which helped me in this temptation, was diversconsiderations, of which, three in special here I will name, thefirst was the consideration of these two scriptures, Leave thyfatherless children, I will preserve them alive, and let thy widowstrust in me: and again, The Lord said, Verily it shall be wellwith thy remnant, verily, I will cause the enemy to entreat theewell in the time of evil, and in time of affliction. Jer. Xlix. 11; xv. 11. 

330. I had also this consideration, that if I should not ventureall for God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments: but ifI forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that shouldcome to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, but should count also that my concernments were not so sure, ifleft at God's feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as theywould be if they were under my own care, though with the denial ofthe way of God. This was a smarting consideration, and as spursunto my flesh. That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten themore upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that God woulddisappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell hisMaster. Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6-8, etc. 

331. I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread ofthe torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of thatfor fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, His words and laws before the sons of men: I thought also of theglory that He had prepared for those that in faith, and love, andpatience, stood to His ways before them. These things, I say, havehelped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself andmine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lainpinching on my mind. 

332. When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for myprofession, then I have thought of that scripture: They werestoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with thesword, they wandered about in sheep-skins, and goat-skins, beingdestitute, afflicted, tormented, of whom the world was not worthy;for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongstthem. I have also thought of that saying, the Holy Ghostwitnesseth in every city, that bonds and afflictions abide me. Ihave verily thought that my soul and it have sometimes reasonedabout the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, todie in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep. But I thank God, hitherto I have not been moved by these most delicate reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God. 

333. I will tell you a pretty business:- I was once above all therest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which timealso, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with thelaws, had this lying much upon my spirits, that my imprisonmentmight end at the gallows for ought that I could tell. Nowtherefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, bysuggesting thus unto me: But how if, when you come indeed to die, YOU should be in this condition; that is, as not to savour thethings of God, nor to have any evidence upon your soul for a betterstate hereafter? (for indeed at that time all the things of Godwere hid from my soul). 

334. Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was agreat trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in thecondition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did Ithink I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought withmyself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up theladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms offainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God andHis people for their timorousness. This, therefore, lay with greattrouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a paleface, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this. 

335. Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and giveme strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet nocomfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also at this time, so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as ifI was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was someencouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity tospeak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come tosee me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will butconvert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my lifethrown away, nor lost. 

336. But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, andstill the tempter followed me with, But whither must you go whenyou die? what will become of you? where will you be found inanother world? what evidence have you for heaven and glory, and aninheritance among them that are sanctified? Thus was I tossed formany weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this considerationfell with weight upon me, that it was for the word and way of Godthat I was in this condition, Wherefore I was engaged not to flinchan hair's breadth from it. 

337. I thought also, that God might choose whether He would giveme comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not thereforechoose whether I would hold my profession or no: I was bound, butHe was free; yea, 'twas my duty to stand to His word, whether Hewould ever look upon me or save me at the last: wherefore, thoughtI, save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing myeternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; ifGod doth not come in, thought I, I will leap off the ladder evenblindfold into eternity, sink or swim, come heaven, come hell, LordJesus, if Thou wilt catch me, do; if not, I will venture for Thyname. 

338. I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the worddropped upon me, Doth Job serve God for nought? As if the accuserhad said, Lord, Job is no upright man, be serves Thee for bye-respects: hast Thou not made an hedge about him, etc. But putforth now Thine hand, and touch all that he hath, and, he willcurse Thee to Thy face. How now! thought I, is this the sign of anupright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is taken from him?Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than giveout! Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright heart, for I amresolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my profession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as I was thusconsidering, that scripture was set before me: Psalm xliv. 12, etc. 

339. Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere:I would not have been without this trial for much; I am comfortedevery time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, for the teaching I have had by it. Many more of the dealingstowards me I might relate, But these out of the spoils won inbattle I have dedicated to maintain the house of God. 1 Chron. Xxvi. 27. 

THE CONCLUSION

1. Of all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, toquestion the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takesaway my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me:Oh! I have often thought of that word, Have your loins girt aboutwith truth; and of that, When the foundations are destroyed, whatcan the righteous do?

2. Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sorechastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have hadfrom Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when Ihave been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinkingunder trouble. And then again, when I have been cast down, Ithought I was not wise, to give such way to comfort; with suchstrength and weight have both these been upon me. 

3. I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God dothvisit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet Ihave found again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, thatI have been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could notso much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, withwhich I have been refreshed. 

4. I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I couldwell tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the wholeBible hath been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hathbeen so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive therefreshment, though I have looked it all over. 

5. Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood ofChrist; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed withmourning over Christ: Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms, before God: I hope I know something ofthese things. 

6. I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1. Inclining to unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercythat Christ manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. Wanderings and coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that Ipray for; 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready toabuse what I have; 7. I can do none of those things which Godcommands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves. When Iwould do good, evil is present with me. 

7. These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted andoppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good;1. They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting myheart; 3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherentrighteousness; 4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5. They press me to pray unto God; 6. They show me the need I have towatch and be sober; 7. And provoke me to pray unto God, throughChrist, to help me, and carry me through this world. 

A RELATION OF MY IMPRISONMENT IN THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER 1660

When, by the good hand of my God, I had for five or six yearstogether, without any interruption, freely preached the blessedgospel of our Lord Jesus Christ; and had also, through His blessedgrace, some encouragement by His blessing thereupon; the devil, that old enemy of man's salvation, took his opportunity to inflamethe hearts of his vassals against me, insomuch that at the last, Iwas laid out for by the warrant of a justice, and was taken andcommitted to prison. The relation thereof is as followeth:-

Upon the 12th of this instant, November 1660, I was desired by someof the friends in the country to come to teach at Samsell, byHarlington, in Bedfordshire. To whom I made a promise, if the Lordpermitted, to be with them on the time aforesaid. The justicehearing thereof (whose name is Mr Francis Wingate), forthwithissued out his warrant to take me, and bring me before him, and inthe meantime to keep a very strong watch about the house where themeeting should be kept, as if we that were to meet together in thatplace did intend to do some fearful business, to the destruction ofthe country; when alas! the constable, when he came in, found usonly with our Bibles in our hands, ready to speak and hear the wordof God; for we were just about to begin our exercise. Nay, we hadbegun in prayer for the blessing of God upon our opportunity, intending to have preached the word of the Lord unto them therepresent: but the constable coming in prevented us. So I was takenand forced to depart the room. But had I been minded to haveplayed the coward, I could have escaped and kept out of his hands. For when I was come to my friend's house, there was whispering thatthat day I should be taken, for there was a warrant out to take me;which when my friend heard, he being somewhat timorous, questionedwhether we had best have our meeting or not; and whether it mightnot be better for me to depart, lest they should take me and haveme before the justice, and after that send me to prison (for heknew better than I what spirit they were of, living by them): towhom I said, No, by no means, I will not stir, neither will I havethe meeting dismissed for this. Come, be of good cheer; let us notbe daunted; our cause is good, we need not be ashamed of it; topreach God's Word, is so good a work, that we shall be wellrewarded, if we suffer for that; or to this purpose--(But as for myfriend, I think he was more afraid of me, than of himself. ) Afterthis I walked into the close, where I somewhat seriouslyconsidering the matter, this came into my mind, That I had showedmyself hearty and courageous in my preaching, and had, blessed begrace, made it my business to encourage others; therefore thoughtI, if I should now run, and make an escape, it will be of a veryill savour in the country. For what will my weak and newly-converted brethren think of it, but that I was not so strong indeed as I was in word? Also I feared that if I should run nowthere was a warrant out for me, I might by so doing make themafraid to stand, when great words only should be spoken to them. Besides I thought, that seeing God of His mercy should choose me togo upon the forlorn hope in this country; that is, to be the first, that should be opposed, for the gospel; if I should fly, it mightbe a discouragement to the whole body that might follow after. Andfurther, I thought the world thereby would take occasion at mycowardliness, to have blasphemed the gospel, and to have had someground to suspect worse of me and my profession, than I deserved. These things with others considered by me, I came in again to thehouse, with a full resolution to keep the meeting, and not to goaway, though I could have been gone about an hour before theofficer apprehended me; but I would not; for I was resolved to seethe utmost of what they could say or do unto me. For blessed bethe Lord, I knew of no evil that I had said or done. And so, asaforesaid, I begun the meeting. But being prevented by theconstable's coming in with his warrant to take me, I could notproceed. But before I went away, I spake some few words of counseland encouragement to the people, declaring to them, that they sawwe were prevented of our opportunity to speak and hear the Word ofGod, and were like to suffer for the same; desiring them that theywould not be discouraged, for it was a mercy to suffer upon so goodaccount. For we might have been apprehended as thieves ormurderers, or for other wickedness; but blessed be God it was notso, but we suffer as Christians for well doing: and we had betterbe the persecuted, than the persecutors, etc. But the constableand the justice's man waiting on us, would not be at quiet tillthey had me away and that we departed the house. But because thejustice was not at home that day, there was a friend of mineengaged for me to bring me to the constable on the morrow morning. Otherwise the constable must have charged a watch with me, or havesecured me some other way, my crime was so great. So on the nextmorning we went to the constable, and so to the justice. He askedthe constable what we did, where we was met together, and what wehad with us? I trow, he meant whether we had armour or not; butwhen the constable told him that there were only met a few of ustogether to preach and hear the Word, and no sign of anything else, he could not well tell what to say: yet because he had sent forme, he did adventure to put out a few proposals to me, which wereto this effect, namely, What I did there? And why I did notcontent myself with following my calling? for it was against thelaw, that such as I should be admitted to do as I did. 

John Bunyan. To which I answered, That the intent of my comingthither, and to other places, was to instruct, and counsel peopleto forsake their sins, and close in with Christ, lest they didmiserably perish; and that I could do both these without confusion(to wit), follow my calling, and preach the Word also. 

At which words, he was in a chafe, as it appeared; for he said thathe would break the neck of our meetings. 

Bun. I said, It may be so. Then he wished me to get sureties tobe bound for me, or else he would send me to the jail. 

My sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bond for myappearance was made, he told them, that they was bound to keep mefrom preaching; and that if I did preach, their bonds would beforfeited. To which I answered, that then I should break them; forI should not leave speaking the Word of God: even to counsel, comfort, exhort, and teach the people among whom I came; and Ithought this to be a work that had no hurt in it: but was ratherworthy of commendation, than blame. 

Wingate. Whereat he told me, that if they would not be so bound, my mittimus must be made, and I sent to the jail, there to lie tothe quarter sessions. 

Now while my mittimus was making, the justice was withdrawn; and incomes an old enemy to the truth, Dr Lindale, who, when he was comein, fell to taunting at me with many reviling terms. 

Bun. To whom I answered, that I did not come thither to talk withhim, but with the justice. Whereat he supposed that I had nothingto say for myself, and triumphed as if he had got the victory;charging and condemning me for meddling with that for which I couldshow no warrant; and asked me, if I had taken the oaths? and if Ihad not, it was pity but that I should be sent to prison, etc. 

I told him, that if I was minded, I could answer to any soberquestion that he should put to me. He then urged me again, how Icould prove it lawful for me to preach, with a great deal ofconfidence of the victory. 

But at last, because he should see that I could answer him if Ilisted, I cited to him that verse in Peter, which saith, every manhath received the gift, even so let him minister the same, etc. 

Lind. Aye, saith he, to whom is that spoken?

Bun. To whom, said I, why to every man that hath received a giftfrom God. Mark, saith the apostle, As every man that hath receiveda gift from God, etc. ; and again, You may all prophesy one by one. Whereat the man was a little stopt, and went a softlier pace: butnot being willing to lose the day, he began again, and said:-

Lind. Indeed, I do remember that I have read of one Alexander acoppersmith, who did much oppose, and disturb the apostles;--(aiming it is like at me, because I was a tinker). 

Bun. To which I answered, that I also had read of very manypriests and pharisees, that had their hands in the blood of ourLord Jesus Christ. 

Lind. Aye, saith he, and you are one of those scribes andpharisees: for you, with a pretence, make long prayers to devourwidows' houses. 

Bun. I answered, that if he had got no more by preaching andpraying than I had done, he would not be so rich as now he was. But that scripture coming into my mind, Answer not a fool accordingto his folly, I was as sparing of my speech as I could, withoutprejudice to truth. 

Now by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to theconstable, to be sent to the jail in Bedford, etc. 

But as I was going, two of my brethren met with me by the way, anddesired the constable to stay, supposing that they should prevailwith the justice, through the favour of a pretended friend, to letme go at liberty. So we did stay, while they went to the justice;and after much discourse with him, it came to this: that if Iwould come to him again, and say some certain words to him, Ishould be released. Which when they told me, I said if the wordswas such that might be said with a good conscience, I should orelse I should not. So through their importunity went back again, but not believing that I should be delivered: for I feared theirspirit was too full of opposition to the truth to let me go, unlessI should, in something or other, dishonour my God and wound myconscience. Wherefore, as I went, I lifted up my heart to God, forlight and strength to be kept, that I might not do any thing thatmight either dishonour Him, or wrong my own soul, or be a grief ordiscouragement to any that was inclining after the Lord JesusChrist. 

Well, when I came to the justice again, there was Mr Foster ofBedford, who, coming out of another room, and seeing me by thelight of the candle (for it was dark night when I went thither), hesaid unto me, Who is there? John Bunyan? with such seemingaffection, as if he would have leaped on my neck and kissed me, which made me somewhat wonder, that such a man as he, with whom Ihad so little acquaintance, and, besides, that had ever been aclose opposer of the ways of God, should carry himself so full oflove to me; but, afterwards, when I saw what he did, it caused meto remember those sayings, Their tongues are smoother than oil, buttheir words are drawn swords. And again, Beware of men, etc. When I had answered him, that blessed be God, I was well; he said, What is the occasion of your being here? or to that purpose. Towhom I answered, that I was at a meeting of people a little wayoff, intending to speak a word of exhortation to them; the justicehearing thereof, said I, was pleased to send his warrant to fetchme before him, etc. 

Fost. So (said he), I understand: but well, if you will promiseto call the people no more together, you shall have your liberty togo home; for my brother is very loath to send you to prison, if youwill be but ruled. 

Bun. Sir (said I), pray what do you mean by calling the peopletogether? my business is not anything among them, when they arecome together, but to exhort them to look after the salvation oftheir souls, that they may be saved, etc. 

Fost. Saith he, We must not enter into explication, or disputenow; but if you will say you will call the people no more together, you may have your liberty; if not, you must be sent away to prison. 

Bun. Sir, said I, I shall not force or compel any man to hear me;but yet, if I come into any place where there is a people mettogether, I should, according to the best of my skill and wisdom, exhort and counsel them to seek out after the Lord Jesus Christ, for the salvation of their souls. 

Fost. He said, That was none of my work; I must follow my calling;and if I would but leave off preaching, and follow my calling, Ishould have the justice's favour, and be acquitted presently. 

Bun. To whom I said, that I could follow my calling, and that too, namely, preaching the Word: and I did look upon it as my duty todo them both, as I had an opportunity. 

Fost. He said, To have any such meetings was against the law; and, therefore, he would have me leave off, and say, I would call thepeople no more together. 

Bun. To whom I said, that I durst not make any further promise;for my conscience would not suffer me to do it. And again, I didlook upon it as my duty to do as much good as I could, not only inmy trade, but also in communicating to all people wheresoever Icame the best knowledge I had in the Word. 

Fost. He told me that I was the nearest the Papists of any, andthat he would convince me of immediately. 

Bun. I asked him, Wherein?

Fost. He said, In that we understood the Scriptures literally. 

Bun. I told him that those that were to be understood literally, we understood them so; but for those that was to be understoodotherwise, we endeavoured so to understand them. 

Fost. He said, Which of the Scriptures do you understandliterally?

Bun. I said this, He that believes shall be saved. This was to beunderstood just as it is spoken; that whosoever believeth in Christshall, according to the plain and simple words of the text, besaved. 

Fost. He said that I was ignorant, and did not understand theScriptures; for how, said he, can you understand them when you knownot the original Greek? etc. 

Bun. To whom I said, that if that was his opinion, that none couldunderstand the Scriptures but those that had the original Greek, etc. , then but a very few of the poorest sort should be saved (thisis harsh); yet the Scripture saith, That God hides these thingsfrom the wise and prudent (that is, from the learned of the world), and reveals them to babes and sucklings. 

Fost. He said there were none that heard me but a company offoolish people. 

Bun. I told him that there was the wise as well as the foolishthat do hear me; and again, those that were most commonly countedfoolish by the world are the wisest before God; also, that God hadrejected the wise, and mighty, and noble, and chosen the foolish, and the base. 

Fost. He told me that I made people neglect their calling; andthat God had commanded people to work six days, and serve Him onthe seventh. 

Bun. I told him that it was the duty of people, (both rich andpoor), to look out for their souls on them days as well as fortheir bodies; and that God would have His people exhort one anotherdaily, while it is called to-day. 

Fost. He said again that there were none but a company of poor, simple, ignorant people that come to hear me. 

Bun. I told him that the foolish and the ignorant had most need ofteaching and information; and, therefore, it would be profitablefor me to go on in that work. 

Fost. Well, said he, to conclude, but will you promise that youwill not call the people together any more? and then you may bereleased and go home. 

Bun. I told him that I durst say no more than I had said; for Idurst not leave off that work which God had called me to. 

So he withdrew from me, and then came several of the justice'sservants to me, and told me that I stood so much upon a nicety. Their master, they said, was willing to let me go; and if I wouldbut say I would call the people no more together, I might have myliberty, etc. 

Bun. I told them there were more ways than one in which a manmight be said to call the people together. As for instance, if aman get upon the market-place, and there read a book, or the like, though he do not say to the people, Sirs, come hither and hear; yetif they come to him because he reads, he, by his very reading, maybe said to call them together; because they would not have beenthere to hear if he had not been there to read. And seeing thismight be termed a calling the people together; I durst not say, Iwould not call them together; for then, by the same argument, mypreaching might be said to call them together. 

Wing. And Fost. Then came the justice and Mr Foster to me again;(we had a little more discourse about preaching, but because themethod of it is out of my mind, I pass it); and when they saw thatI was at a point, and would not be moved nor persuaded, Mr Foster, the man that did at first express so much love to me, told thejustice that then he must send me away to prison. And that hewould do well, also, if he would present all those that were thecause of my coming among them to meetings. Thus we parted. 

And, verily, as I was going forth of the doors, I had much ado toforbear saying to them that I carried the peace of God along withme; but I held my peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went away toprison, with God's comfort in my poor soul. 

After I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethren soughtmeans, again, to get me out by bondsmen; (for so ran my mittimus, that I should lie there till I could find sureties). They went toa justice at Elstow, one Mr Crumpton, to desire him to take bondfor my appearing at the quarter sessions. At the first he toldthem he would; but afterwards he made a demur at the business, anddesired first to see my mittimus, which ran to this purpose: ThatI went about to several conventicles in the county, to the greatdisparagement of the government of the church of England, etc. When he had seen it, he said that there might be something moreagainst me than was expressed in my mittimus; and that he was but ayoung man, therefore he durst not do it. This my jailor told me;and, whereat I was not at all daunted but rather glad, and sawevidently that the Lord had heard me; for before I went down to thejustice, I begged of God that if I might do more good by being atliberty than in prison, that then I might be set at liberty; but ifnot, His will be done; for I was not altogether without hopes butthat my imprisonment might be an awakening to the saints in thecountry, therefore I could not tell well which to choose; only I, in that manner, did commit the thing to God. And verily, at myreturn, I did meet my God sweetly in the prison again, comfortingof me and satisfying of me that it was His will and mind that Ishould be there. 

When I came back again to prison, as I was musing at the slenderanswer of the justice, this word dropt in upon my heart with somelife, For He knew that for envy they had delivered Him. 

Thus have I, in short, declared the manner and occasion of my beingin prison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to do with meas He pleaseth; knowing that not one hair of my head can fall tothe ground without the will of my Father, which is in heaven. Letthe rage and malice of men be never so great, they can do no more, nor go any further, than God permits them; but when they have donetheir worst, We know all things shall work together for good tothem that love God. 

Farewell. 

Here is the Sum of my Examination before Justice KEELIN, JusticeCHESTER, Justice BLUNDALE, Justice BEECHER, Justice SNAGG, etc. 

After I had lain in prison above seven weeks, the quarter-sessionswere to be kept in Bedford, for the county thereof, unto which Iwas to be brought; and when my jailor had set me before thosejustices, there was a bill of indictment preferred against me. Theextent thereof was as followeth: That John Bunyan, of the town ofBedford, labourer, being a person of such and such conditions, hehath (since such a time) devilishly and perniciously abstained fromcoming to church to hear Divine service, and is a common upholderof several unlawful meetings and conventicles, to the greatdisturbance and distraction of the good subjects of this kingdom, contrary to the laws of our sovereign lord the King, etc. 

The Clerk. When this was read, the clerk of the sessions said untome, What say you to this?

Bun. I said, that as to the first part of it, I was a commonfrequenter of the Church of God. And was also, by grace, a memberwith the people, over whom Christ is the Head. 

Keelin. But, saith Justice Keelin (who was the judge in thatcourt), do you come to church (you know what I mean); to the parishchurch, to hear Divine service?

Bun. I answered, No, I did not. 

Keel. He asked me, Why?

Bun. I said, Because I did not find it commanded in the Word ofGod. 

Keel. He said, We were commanded to pray. 

Bun. I said, But not by the Common Prayer-Book. 

Keel. He said, How then?

Bun. I said, With the Spirit. As the apostle saith, I will praywith the Spirit, and with the understanding. 1 Cor. Xiv. 15. 

Keel. He said, We might pray with the Spirit, and with theunderstanding, and with the Common Prayer-Book also. 

Bun. I said, that the prayers in the Common Prayer-Book were suchas was made by other men, and not by the motions of the Holy Ghost, within our hearts; and as I said, the apostle saith, he will praywith the Spirit, and with the understanding; not with the Spiritand the Common Prayer-Book. 

Another Justice. What do you count prayer? Do you think it is tosay a few words over before or among a people?

Bun. I said, No, not so; for men might have many elegant, orexcellent words, and yet not pray at all; but when a man prayeth, he doth, through a sense of those things which he wants (whichsense is begotten by the Spirit), pour out his heart before Godthrough Christ; though his words be not so many and so excellent asothers are. 

Justices. They said, That was true. 

Bun. I said, This might be done without the Common Prayer-Book. 

Another. One of them said (I think it was Justice Blundale, orJustice Snagg), How should we know that you do not write out yourprayers first, and then read them afterwards to the people? Thishe spake in a laughing way. 

Bun. I said, it is not our use, to take a pen and paper, and writea few words thereon, and then go and read it over to a company ofpeople. 

But how should we know it, said he?

Bun. Sir, it is none of our custom, said I. 

Keel. But said Justice Keelin, It is lawful to use the CommonPrayer, and such like forms: for Christ taught His disciples topray, as John also taught his disciples. And further, said he, Cannot one man teach another to pray? Faith comes by hearing; andone man may convince another of sin, and therefore prayers made bymen, and read over, are good to teach, and help men to pray. 

While he was speaking these words, God brought that word into mymind, in the eighth of the Romans, at the 26th verse. I say, Godbrought it, for I thought not on it before: but as he wasspeaking, it came so fresh into my mind, and was set so evidentlybefore me, as if the scripture had said, Take me, take me; so whenhe had done speaking, Bun. I said, Sir, the scripture saith, that it is the spirit thathelpeth our infirmities; for we know not what we should pray for aswe ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us, withsighs and groanings which cannot be uttered. Mark, said I, it dothnot say the Common Prayer-Book teacheth us how to pray, but theSpirit. And it is the Spirit that helpeth our infirmities, saiththe apostle; he doth not say it is the Common Prayer-Book. 

And as to the Lord's prayer, although it be an easy thing to say, Our Father, etc. , with the mouth; yet there is very few that can, in the Spirit, say the two first words in that prayer; that is, that can call God their Father, as knowing what it is to be bornagain, and as having experience, that they are begotten of theSpirit of God: which if they do not, all is but babbling, etc. 

Keel. Justice Keelin said that that was a truth. 

Bun. And I say further, as to your saying that one man mayconvince another of sin, and that faith comes by hearing, and thatone man may tell another how he should pray, etc. , I say men maytell each other of their sins, but it is the Spirit that mustconvince them. 

And though it be said that faith comes by hearing: yet it is theSpirit that worketh faith in the heart through hearing, or elsethey are not profited by hearing. Heb. Iv. 12. 

And that though one man may tell another how he should pray: yet, as I said before, he cannot pray, nor make his condition known toGod, except the Spirit help. It is not the Common Prayer-Book thatcan do this. It is the Spirit that showeth us our sins, and theSpirit that showeth us a Saviour, Jn. Xvi. 16, and the Spirit thatstirreth up in our hearts desires to come to God, for such thingsas we stand in need of, Matt. Xi. 27, even sighing out our soulsunto Him for them with groans which cannot be uttered. With otherwords to the same purpose. At this they were set. 

Keel. But says Justice Keelin, What have you against the CommonPrayer-Book?

Bun. I said, Sir, if you will hear me, I shall lay down my reasonsagainst it. 

Keel. He said I should have liberty; but first, said he, let megive you one caution; take heed of speaking irreverently of theCommon Prayer-Book; for if you do so, you will bring great damageupon yourself. 

Bun. So I proceeded, and said, My first reason was, because it wasnot commanded in the Word of God, and therefore I could not use it. 

Another. One of them said, Where do you find it commanded in theScripture, that you should go to Elstow, or Bedford, and yet it islawful to go to either of them, is it not?

Bun. I said, To go to Elstow, or Bedford, was a civil thing, andnot material, though not commanded, and yet God's Word allowed meto go about my calling, and therefore if it lay there, then to gothither, etc. But to pray, was a great part of the Divine worshipof God, and therefore it ought to be done according to the rule ofGod's Word. 

 Another. One of them said, He will do harm; let him speak nofurther. 

Keel. Justice Keelin said, No, no, never fear him, we are betterestablished than so; he can do no harm; we know the Common Prayer-Book hath been ever since the apostles' time, and it is lawful forit to be used in the church. 

Bun. I said, Show me the place in the epistles, where the CommonPrayer-Book is written, or one text of Scripture, that commands meto read it, and I will use it. But yet, notwithstanding, said I, they that have a mind to use it, they have their liberty; that is, I would not keep them from it; but for our parts, we can pray toGod without it. Blessed be His name!

With that, one of them said, Who is your God? Beelzebub?Moreover, they often said, that I was possessed with the spirit ofdelusion, and of the devil. All which sayings I passed over; theLord forgive them! And further, I said, Blessed be the Lord forit; we are encouraged to meet together, and to pray, and exhort oneanother; for, we have had the comfortable presence of God among us. For ever blessed be His holy name!

Keel. Justice Keelin called this pedler's French, saying, that Imust leave off my canting. The Lord open his eyes!

Bun. I said that we ought to exhort one another daily, while it iscalled to-day, etc. 

Keel. Justice Keelin said that I ought not to preach; and asked mewhere I had my authority? with other such like words. 

Bun. I said that I would prove that it was lawful for me, and suchas I am, to preach the Word of God. 

Keel. He said unto me, By what Scripture?

Bun. I said, By that in the first epistle of Peter, chap. Iv. 10, 11, and Acts xviii. , with other Scriptures, which he would notsuffer me to mention. But said, Hold; not so many, which is thefirst?

Bun. I said this: As every man hath received the gift, even solet him minister the same unto another, as good stewards of themanifold grace of God. If any man speak, let him speak as theoracles of God, etc. 

Keel. He said, Let me a little open that Scripture to you: Asevery man hath received the gift; that is, said he, as every onehath received a trade, so let him follow it. If any man havereceived a gift of tinkering, as thou hast done, let him follow histinkering. And so other men their trades. And the divine hiscalling, etc. 

Bun. Nay, sir, said I, but it is most clear, that the apostlespeaks here of preaching the Word; if you do but compare both theverses together, the next verse explains this gift what it is, saying, if any man speak, let him speak as the oracles of God. Sothat it is plain, that the Holy Ghost doth not so much in thisplace exhort to civil callings, as to the exercising of those giftsthat we have received from God. I would have gone on, but he wouldnot give me leave. 

Keel. He said, We might do it in our families, but not otherways. 

Bun. I said, If it was lawful to do good to some, it was lawful todo good to more. If it was a good duty to exhort our families, itwas good to exhort others; but if they held it a sin to meettogether to seek the face of God, and exhort one another to followChrist, I should sin still; for so we should do. 

Keel. He said he was not so well versed in Scripture as todispute, or words to that purpose. And said, moreover, that theycould not wait upon me any longer; but said to me, Then you confessthe indictment, do you not? Now, and not till now, I saw I wasindicted. 

Bun. I said, This I confess, we have had many meetings together, both to pray to God, and to exhort one another, and that we had thesweet comforting presence of the Lord among us for ourencouragement; blessed be His name therefore. I confessed myselfguilty no otherwise. 

Keel. Then, said he, bear your judgment. You must be had backagain to prison, and there lie for three months following; and atthree months' end, if you do not submit to go to church to hearDivine service, and leave your preaching, you must be banished therealm: and if, after such a day as shall be appointed you to begone, you shall be found in this realm, etc. , or be found to comeover again without special licence from the king, etc. , you muststretch by the neck for it, I tell you plainly: and so he bid myjailor have me away. 

Bun. I told him, as to this matter, I was at a point with him; forif I were out of prison to-day, I would preach the Gospel again to-morrow, by the help of God. 

Another. To which one made me some answer: but my jailor pullingme away to be gone, I could not tell what he said. 

Thus I departed from them; and I can truly say, I bless the LordJesus Christ for it, that my heart was sweetly refreshed in thetime of my examination, and also afterwards, at my returning to theprison. So that I found Christ's words more than bare trifles, where He saith, I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which all youradversaries shall not be able to gainsay, nor resist. Luke xxi. 15. And that His peace no man can take from us. 

Thus have I given you the substance of my examination. The Lordmake this profitable to all that shall read or hear it. Farewell. 

The Substance of some Discourse had between the Clerk of the Peaceand myself; when he came to admonish me, according to the tenor ofthat Law, by which I was in prison. 

When I had lain in prison other twelve weeks, and now not knowingwhat they intended to do with me, upon the third of April 1661, comes Mr Cobb unto me (as he told me), being sent by the justicesto admonish me; and demand of me submittance to the church ofEngland, etc. The extent of our discourse was as followeth. 

Cobb. When he was come into the house he sent for me out of mychamber; who, when I was come unto him, he said, Neighbour Bunyan, how do you do?

Bun. I thank you, Sir, said I, very well, blessed be the Lord. 

Cobb. Saith he, I come to tell you, that it is desired you wouldsubmit yourself to the laws of the land, or else at the nextsessions it will go worse with you, even to be sent away out of thenation, or else worse than that. 

Bun. I said that I did desire to demean myself in the world, bothas becometh a man and a Christian. 

Cobb. But, saith he, you must submit to the laws of the land, andleave off those meetings which you was wont to have; for thestatute-law is directly against it; and I am sent to you by thejustices to tell you that they do intend to prosecute the lawagainst you if you submit not. 

Bun. I said, Sir, I conceive that that law by which I am in prisonat this time, doth not reach or condemn either me, or the meetingswhich I do frequent; that law was made against those, that beingdesigned to do evil in their meetings, making the exercise ofreligion their pretence, to cover their wickedness. It doth notforbid the private meetings of those that plainly and simply makeit their only end to worship the Lord, and to exhort one another toedification. My end in meeting with others is simply to do as muchgood as I can, by exhortation and counsel, according to that smallmeasure of light which God hath given me, and not to disturb thepeace of the nation. 

Cobb. Every one will say the same, said he; you see the lateinsurrection at London, under what glorious pretences they went;and yet, indeed, they intended no less than the ruin of the kingdomand commonwealth. 

Bun. That practice of theirs, I abhor, said I; yet it doth notfollow that, because they did so, therefore all others will do so. I look upon it as my duty to behave myself under the King'sgovernment, both as becomes a man and a Christian, and if anoccasion were offered me, I should willingly manifest my loyalty tomy Prince, both by word and deed. 

Cobb. Well, said he, I do not profess myself to be a man that candispute; but this I say, truly, neighbour Bunyan, I would have youconsider this matter seriously, and submit yourself; you may haveyour liberty to exhort your neighbour in private discourse, so beyou do not call together an assembly of people; and, truly, you maydo much good to the church of Christ, if you would go this way; andthis you may do, and the law not abridge you of it. It is yourprivate meetings that the law is against. 

Bun. Sir, said I, if I may do good to one by my discourse? why mayI not do good to two? And if to two, why not to four, and so toeight? etc. 

Cobb. Ay, saith he, and to a hundred, I warrant you. 

Bun. Yes, Sir, said I, I think I should not be forbid to do asmuch good as I can. 

Cobb. But, saith he, you may but pretend to do good, and instead, notwithstanding, do harm, by seducing the people; you are, therefore, denied your meeting so many together, lest you should doharm. 

Bun. And yet, said I, you say the law tolerates me to discoursewith my neighbour; surely there is no law tolerates me seduce anyone; therefore if I may by the law discourse with one, surely it isto do him good; and if I by discoursing may do good to one, surely, by the same law, I may do good to many. 

Cobb. The law, saith he, doth expressly forbid your privatemeetings; therefore they are not to be tolerated. 

Bun. I told him that I would not entertain so muchuncharitableness of that Parliament in the 35th of Elizabeth, or ofthe Queen herself, as to think they did, by that law, intend theoppressing of any of God's ordinances, or the interrupting any inway of God; but men may, in the wresting of it, turn it against theway of God; but take the law in itself, and it only fightethagainst those that drive at mischief in their hearts and meeting, making religion only their cloak, colour, or pretence; for so arethe words of the statute: If any meetings, under colour orpretence of religion, etc. 

Cobb. Very good; therefore the king, seeing that pretences areusually in and among people, so as to make religion their pretenceonly; therefore he, and the law before him, doth forbid suchprivate meetings, and tolerates only public; you may meet inpublic. 

Bun. Sir, said I, let me answer you in a similitude: Set the casethat, at such a wood corner, there did usually come forth thieves, to do mischief; must there therefore a law be made, that every onethat cometh out there shall be killed? May not there come out truemen as well as thieves out from thence? Just thus is it in thiscase; I do think there may be many that may design the destructionof the commonwealth; but it doth not follow therefore that allprivate meetings are unlawful; those that transgress, let them bepunished. And if at any time I myself should do any act in myconversation as doth not become a man and Christian, let me bearthe punishment. And as for your saying I may meet in public, if Imay be suffered, I would gladly do it. Let me have but meetingenough in public, and I shall care the less to have them inprivate. I do not meet in private because I am afraid to havemeetings in public. I bless the Lord that my heart is at thatpoint, that if any man can lay any thing to my charge, either indoctrine or in practice, in this particular, that can be provederror or heresy, I am willing to disown it, even in the verymarket-place; but if it be truth, then to stand to it to the lastdrop of my blood. And, Sir, said I, you ought to commend me for sodoing. To err and to be a heretic are two things; I am no heretic, because I will not stand refractorily to defend any one thing thatis contrary to the Word. Prove any thing which I hold to be anerror, and I will recant it. 

Cobb. But, goodman Bunyan, said he, methinks you need not stand sostrictly upon this one thing, as to have meetings of such publicassemblies. Cannot you submit, and, notwithstanding, do as muchgood as you can, in a neighbourly way, without having suchmeetings?

Bun. Truly, Sir, said I, I do not desire to commend myself, but tothink meanly of myself; yet when I do most despise myself, takingnotice of that small measure of light which God hath given me, alsothat the people of the Lord (by their own saying), are edifiedthereby. Besides, when I see that the Lord, through grace, hath insome measure blessed my labour, I dare not but exercise that giftwhich God hath given me for the good of the people. And I saidfurther, that I would willingly speak in public if I might. 

Cobb. He said, that I might come to the public assemblies andhear. What though you do not preach? you may hear. Do not thinkyourself so well enlightened, and that you have received a gift sofar above others, but that you may hear other men preach. Or tothat purpose. 

Bun. I told him, I was as willing to be taught as to giveinstruction, and I looked upon it as my duty to do both; for, saidI, a man that is a teacher, he himself may learn also from anotherthat teacheth, as the apostle saith, We may all prophesy one byone, that all may learn. 1 Cor. Xiv. 31. That is, every man thathath received a gift from God, he may dispense it, that others maybe comforted; and when he hath done, he may hear and learn, and becomforted himself of others. 

Cobb. But, said he, what if you should forbear awhile, and sitstill, till you see further how things will go?

Bun. Sir, said I, Wickliffe saith, that he which leaveth offpreaching and hearing of the Word of God for fear ofexcommunication of men, he is already excommunicated of God, andshall in the day of judgment be counted a traitor to Christ. 

Cobb. Ay, saith he, they that do not hear shall be so countedindeed; do you, therefore, hear?

Bun. But, Sir, said I, he saith, he that shall leave off eitherpreaching or hearing, etc. That is, if he hath received a gift foredification, it is his sin, if he doth not lay it out in a way ofexhortation and counsel, according to the proportion of his gift;as well as to spend his time altogether in hearing others preach. 

Cobb. But, said he, how shall we know that you have received agift?

Bun. Said I, Let any man hear and search, and prove the doctrineby the Bible. 

Cobb. But will you be willing, said he, that two indifferentpersons shall determine the case; and will you stand by theirjudgment?

Bun. I said, Are they infallible?

Cobb. He said, No. 

Bun. Then, said I, it is possible my judgment may be as good astheirs. But yet I will pass by either, and in this matter bejudged by the Scriptures; I am sure that is infallible, and cannoterr. 

Cobb. But, said he, who shall be judge between you, for you takethe Scriptures one way, and they another?

Bun. I said the Scripture should: and that by comparing oneScripture with another; for that will open itself, if it be rightlycompared. As for instance, if under the different apprehensions ofthe word Mediator, you would know the truth of it, the Scripturesopen it, and tell us that he that is a mediator must take up thebusiness between two, and a mediator is not a mediator of one, --butGod is one, and there is one Mediator between God and men, even theman Christ Jesus. Gal. Iii. 20; 1 Tim. Ii. 5. So likewise theScripture calleth Christ a complete, or perfect, or able highpriest. That is opened in that He is called man, and also God. His blood also is discovered to be effectually efficacious by thesame things. So the Scripture, as touching the matter of meetingtogether, etc. , doth likewise sufficiently open itself and discoverits meaning. 

Cobb. But are you willing, said he, to stand to the judgment ofthe church?

Bun. Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of the church of God;(the church's judgment is best expressed in Scripture). We hadmuch other discourse which I cannot well remember, about the lawsof the nation, and submission to governments; to which I did tellhim, that I did look upon myself as bound in conscience to walkaccording to all righteous laws, and that, whether there was a kingor no; and if I did any thing that was contrary, I did hold it myduty to bear patiently the penalty of the law, that was providedagainst such offenders; with many more words to the like effect. And said, moreover, that to cut off all occasions of suspicion fromany, as touching the harmlessness of my doctrine in private, Iwould willingly take the pains to give any one the notes of all mysermons; for I do sincerely desire to live quietly in my country, and to submit to the present authority. 

Cobb. Well, neighbour Bunyan, said he, but indeed I would wish youseriously to consider of these things, between this and thequarter-sessions, and to submit yourself. You may do much good ifyou continue still in the land; but alas, what benefit will it beto your friends, or what good can you do to them, if you should besent away beyond the seas into Spain, or Constantinople, or someother remote part of the world? Pray be ruled. 

Jailor. Indeed, Sir, I hope he will be ruled. 

Bun. I shall desire, said I, in all honesty to behave myself inthe nation, whilst I am in it. And if I must be so dealt withal, as you say, I hope God will help me to bear what they shall layupon me. I know no evil that I have done in this matter, to be soused. I speak as in the presence of God. 

Cobb. You know, saith he, that the Scripture saith, the powersthat be, are ordained of God. 

Bun. I said, Yes, and that I was to submit to the King as supreme, and also to the governors, as to them who are sent by Him. 

Cobb. Well then, said he, the King then commands you, that youshould not have any private meetings; because it is against hislaw, and he is ordained of God, therefore you should not have any. 

Bun. I told him that Paul did own the powers that were in his day, to be of God; and yet he was often in prison under them for allthat. And also, though Jesus Christ told Pilate, that He had nopower against him, but of God, yet He died under the same Pilate;and yet, said I, I hope you will not say that either Paul, orChrist, were such as did deny magistracy, and so sinned against Godin slighting the ordinance. Sir, said I, the law hath provided twoways of obeying: the one to do that which I, in my conscience, dobelieve that I am bound to do, actively; and where I cannot obeyactively, there I am willing to lie down, and to suffer what theyshall do unto me. At this he sat still, and said no more; whichwhen he had done, I did thank him for his civil and meekdiscoursing with me; and so we parted. 

O! that we might meet in heaven!

Farewell. J. B. 

Here followeth a discourse between my Wife and the Judges, withothers, touching my Deliverance at the Assizes following; the whichI took from her own Mouth. 

After that I had received this sentence of banishing, or hanging, from them, and after the former admonition, touching thedetermination of the justices if I did not recant; just when thetime drew nigh, in which I should have abjured, or have done worse(as Mr Cobb told me), came the time in which the King was to becrowned. Now, at the coronation of kings, there is usually areleasement of divers prisoners, by virtue of his coronation; inwhich privilege also I should have had my share; but that they tookme for a convicted person, and therefore, unless I sued out apardon (as they called it), I could have no benefit thereby, notwithstanding, yet, forasmuch as the coronation proclamation didgive liberty, from the day the King was crowned, to that daytwelvemonth, to sue them out; therefore, though they would not letme out of prison, as they let out thousands, yet they could notmeddle with me, as touching the execution of their sentence;because of the liberty offered for the suing out of pardons. Whereupon I continued in prison till the next assizes, which arecalled Midsummer assizes, being then kept in August, 1661. 

Now, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possible meansunattempted that might be lawful, I did, by my wife, present apetition to the judges three times, that I might be heard, and thatthey would impartially take my case into consideration. 

The first time my wife went, she presented it to Judge Hale, whovery mildly received it at her hand, telling her that he would doher and me the best good he could; but he feared, he said, he coulddo none. The next day, again, lest they should, through themultitude of business, forget me, we did throw another petitioninto the coach to Judge Twisdon; who, when he had seen it, snapther up, and angrily told her that I was a convicted person, andcould not be released, unless I would promise to preach no more, etc. 

Well, after this, she yet again presented another to judge Hale, ashe sat on the bench, who, as it seemed, was willing to give heraudience. Only Justice Chester being present, stept up and said, that I was convicted in the court, and that I was a hot-spiritedfellow (or words to that purpose), whereat he waived it, and didnot meddle therewith. But yet, my wife being encouraged by thehigh-sheriff, did venture once more into their presence (as thepoor widow did before the unjust judge) to try what she could dowith them for my liberty, before they went forth of the town. Theplace where she went to them, was to the Swan-chamber, where thetwo judges, and many justices and gentry of the country, was incompany together. She then coming into the chamber with a bashedface, and a trembling heart, began her errand to them in thismanner:-

Woman. My lord (directing herself to judge Hale), I make bold tocome once again to your Lordship, to know what may be done with myhusband. 

Judge Hale. To whom he said, Woman, I told thee before I could dothee no good; because they have taken that for a conviction whichthy husband spoke at the sessions: and unless there be somethingdone to undo that, I can do thee no good. 

Woman. My lord, said she, he is kept unlawfully in prison; theyclapped him up before there was any proclamation against themeetings; the indictment also is false. Besides, they never askedhim whether he was guilty or no; neither did he confess theindictment. 

One of the Justices. Then one of the justices that stood by, whomshe knew not, said, My Lord, he was lawfully convicted. 

Wom. It is false, said she; for when they said to him, Do youconfess the indictment? he said only this, that he had been atseveral meetings, both where there were preaching the Word, andprayer, and that they had God's presence among them. 

Judge Twisdon. Whereat Judge Twisdon answered very angrily, saying, What, you think we can do what we list; your husband is abreaker of the peace, and is convicted by the law, etc. WhereuponJudge Hale called for the Statute Book. 

Wom. But, said she, my lord, he was not lawfully convicted. 

Chester. Then Justice Chester said, My lord, he was lawfullyconvicted. 

Wom. It is false, said she; it was but a word of discourse thatthey took for a conviction (as you heard before). 

Chest. But it is recorded, woman; it is recorded, said JusticeChester; as if it must be of necessity true, because it wasrecorded. With which words he often endeavoured to stop her mouth, having no other argument to convince her, but it is recorded, it isrecorded. 

Wom. My Lord, said she, I was a while since at London, to see if Icould get my husband's liberty; and there I spoke with my lordBarkwood, one of the House of Lords, to whom I delivered apetition, who took it of me and presented it to some of the rest ofthe House of Lords, for my husband's releasement; who, when theyhad seen it, they said, that they could not release him, but hadcommitted his releasement to the judges, at the next assizes. Thishe told me; and now I am come to you to see if any thing may bedone in this business, and you give neither releasement nor relief. To which they gave her no answer, but made as if they heard hernot. 

Chest. Only Justice Chester was often up with this, --He isconvicted, and it is recorded. 

Wom. If it be, it is false, said she. 

Chest. My lord, said Justice Chester, he is a pestilent fellow, there is not such a fellow in the country again. 

Twis. What, will your husband leave preaching? If he will do so, then send for him. 

Wom. My lord, said she, he dares not leave preaching as long as hecan speak. 

Twis. See here, what should we talk any more about such a fellow?Must he do what he lists? He is a breaker of the peace. 

Wom. She told him again, that he desired to live peaceably, and tofollow his calling, that his family might be maintained; andmoreover, said, My Lord, I have four small children, that cannothelp themselves, one of which is blind, and have nothing to liveupon, but the charity of good people. 

Hale. Hast thou four children? said Judge Hale; thou art but ayoung woman to have four children. 

Wom. My lord, said she, I am but mother-in-law to them, having notbeen married to him yet full two years. Indeed, I was with childwhen my husband was first apprehended; but being young, andunaccustomed to such things, said she, I being smayed at the news, fell into labour, and so continued for eight days, and then wasdelivered, but my child died. 

Hale. Whereat, he looking very soberly on the matter, said, Alas, poor woman!

Twis. But Judge Twisdon told her, that she made poverty her cloak;and said, moreover, that he understood I was maintained better byrunning up and down a preaching, than by following my calling. 

Hale. What is his calling? said Judge Hale. 

Answer. Then some of the company that stood by, said, A tinker, mylord. 

Wom. Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker, and a poor man, therefore he is despised, and cannot have justice. 

Hale. Then Judge Hale answered very mildly, saying, I tell thee, woman, seeing it is so, that they have taken what thy husband spakefor a conviction; thou must either apply thyself to the King, orsue out his pardon, or get a writ of error. 

Chest. But when Justice Chester heard him give her this counsel;and especially (as she supposed) because he spoke of a writ oferror, he chafed, and seemed to be very much offended; saying, Mylord, he will preach and do what he lists. 

Wom. He preacheth nothing but the Word of God, said she. 

Twis. He preach the Word of God! said Twisdon; and withal, shethought he would have struck her; he runneth up and down, and dothharm. 

Wom. No, my lord, said she, it is not so; God hath owned him, anddone much good by him. 

Twis. God! said he, his doctrine is the doctrine of the devil. 

Wom. My lord, said she, when the righteous Judge shall appear, itwill be known that his doctrine is not the doctrine of the devil. 

Twis. My lord, said he, to Judge Hale, do not mind her, but sendher away. 

Hale. Then said Judge Hale, I am sorry, woman, that I can do theeno good; thou must do one of those three things aforesaid, namely, either to apply thyself to the King, or sue out his pardon, or geta writ of error; but a writ of error will be cheapest. 

Wom. At which Chester again seemed to be in a chafe, and put offhis hat, and as she thought, scratched his head for anger: butwhen I saw, said she, that there was no prevailing to have myhusband sent for, though I often desired them that they would sendfor him, that he might speak for himself; telling them, that hecould give them better satisfaction than I could, in what theydemanded of him, with several other things, which now I forget;only this I remember, that though I was somewhat timorous at myfirst entrance into the chamber, yet before I went out, I could notbut break forth into tears, not so much because they were so hard-hearted against me, and my husband, but to think what a sad accountsuch poor creatures will have to give at the coming of the Lord, when they shall there answer for all things whatsoever they havedone in the body, whether it be good, or whether it be bad. 

So, when I departed from them, the book of statutes was brought, but what they said of it I know nothing at all, neither did I hearany more from them. 

Some Carriages of the Adversaries of God's Truth with me at thenext Assizes, which was on the 19th of the first month, 1662. 

I shall pass by what befell between these two assizes, how I had, by my jailor, some liberty granted me, more than at the first, andhow I followed my wonted course of preaching, taking all occasionsthat were put into my hand to visit the people of God; exhortingthem to be steadfast in the faith of Jesus Christ, and to take heedthat they touched not the Common Prayer, etc. , but to mind the Wordof God, which giveth direction to Christians in every point, beingable to make the man of God perfect in all things through faith inJesus Christ, and thoroughly to furnish him unto all good works. 2Tim. Iii. 17. Also how I having, I say, somewhat more liberty, didgo to see the Christians at London; which my enemies hearing of, were so angry, that they had almost cast my jailor out of hisplace, threatening to indict him, and to do what they could againsthim. They charged me also, that I went thither to plot and raisedivision, and make insurrection, which, God knows, was a slander;whereupon my liberty was more straitened than it was before; sothat I must not now look out of the door. Well, when the nextsessions came, which was about the 10th of the 11th month (1661), Idid expect to have been very roundly dealt withal; but they passedme by, and would not call me, so that I rested till the assizes, which was held the 19th of the first month (1662) following; andwhen they came, because I had a desire to come before the judge, Idesired my jailor to put my name into the calendar among thefelons, and made friends of the judge and high-sheriff, whopromised that I should be called: so that I thought what I haddone might have been effectual for the obtaining of my desire: butall was in vain; for when the assizes came, though my name was inthe calendar, and also though both the judge and sheriff hadpromised that I should appear before them, yet the justices and theclerk of the peace, did so work it about, that I, notwithstanding, was deferred, and was not suffered to appear: and although I say, I do not know of all their carriages towards me, yet this I know, that the clerk of the peace (Mr Cobb) did discover himself to beone of my greatest opposers: for, first he came to my jailor andtold him that I must not go down before the judge, and thereforemust not be put into the calendar; to whom my jailor said, that myname was in already. He bid him put it out again; my jailor toldhim that he could not: for he had given the judge a calendar withmy name in it, and also the sheriff another. At which he was verymuch displeased, and desired to see that calendar that was yet inmy jailor's hand, who, when he had given it him, he looked on it, and said it was a false calendar; he also took the calendar andblotted out my accusation, as my jailor had written it (whichaccusation I cannot tell what it was, because it was so blottedout), and he himself put in words to this purpose: That JohnBunyan was committed to prison; being lawfully convicted forupholding of unlawful meetings and conventicles, etc. But yet forall this, fearing that what he had done, unless he added thereto, it would not do, he first ran to the clerk of the assizes; then tothe justices, and afterwards, because he would not leave any meansunattempted to hinder me, he came again to my jailor, and told him, that if I did go down before the judge, and was released, he wouldmake him pay my fees, which he said was due to him; and further, told him, that he would complain of him at the next quartersessions for making of false calendars, though my jailor himself, as I afterwards learned, had put in my accusation worse than initself it was by far. And thus was I hindered and prevented atthat time also from appearing before the judge: and left inprison. 

Farewell. 

JOHN BUNYAN. 

A Continuation of Mr BUNYAN'S LIFE; beginning where he left off, and concluding with the Time and Manner of his Death and Burial:together with his true Character, etc. 

Reader, the painful and industrious author of this book, hasalready given you a faithful and very moving relation of thebeginning and middle of the days of his pilgrimage on earth; andsince there yet remains somewhat worthy of notice and regard, whichoccurred in the last scene of his life, the which, for want oftime, or fear, some over-censorious people should impute it to himas an earnest coveting of praise from men, he has not left behindhim in writing. Wherefore, as a true friend, and long acquaintanceof Mr Bunyan's that his good end may be known, as well as his evilbeginning, I have taken upon me, from my knowledge, and the bestaccount given by other of his friends, to piece this to the threadtoo soon broke off, and so lengthen it out to his entering uponeternity. 

He has told you at large, of his birth and education; the evilhabits and corruptions of his youth; the temptations he struggledand conflicted so frequently with, the mercies, comforts, anddeliverances he found, how he came to take upon him the preachingof the Gospel; the slanders, reproaches and imprisonments thatattended him, and the progress he notwithstanding made (by theassistance of God's grace) no doubt to the saving of many souls:therefore take these things, as he himself hath methodically laidthem down in the words of verity; and so I pass on to what remains. 

After his being freed from his twelve years' imprisonment andupwards, for nonconformity, wherein he had time to furnish theworld with sundry good books, etc. , and by his patience, to move DrBarlow, the then Bishop of Lincoln, and other church-men, to pityhis hard and unreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very muchhis friends, in procuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he haddied, by the noisomeness and ill usage of the place. Being now, Isay, again at liberty, and having through mercy shaken off hisbodily fetters, --for those upon his soul were broken before by theabounding grace that filled his heart, --he went to visit those thathad been a comfort to him in his tribulation, with a Christian-likeacknowledgment of their kindness and enlargement of charity; givingencouragement by his example, if it happened to be their hard hapsto fall into affliction or trouble, then to suffer patiently forthe sake of a good conscience, and for the love of God in JesusChrist towards their souls, and by many cordial persuasions, supported some whose spirits began to sink low, through the fear ofdanger that threatened their worldly concernment, so that thepeople found a wonderful consolation in his discourse andadmonitions. 

As often as opportunity would admit, he gathered them together(though the law was then in force against meetings) in convenientplaces, and fed them with the sincere milk of the Word, that theymight grow up in grace thereby. To such as were anywhere taken andimprisoned upon these accounts, he made it another part of hisbusiness to extend his charity, and gather relief for such of themas wanted. 

He took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen them againstthe suggestions of the tempter, which at such times are veryprevalent; so that they had cause for ever to bless God, Who hadput it into his heart, at such a time, to rescue them from thepower of the roaring lion, who sought to devour them; nor did hespare any pains or labour in travel, though to remote counties, where he knew or imagined any people might stand in need of hisassistance; insomuch that some, by these visitations that he made, which was two or three every year (some, though in a jeering mannerno doubt, gave him the epithet of Bishop Bunyan) whilst othersenvied him for his so earnestly labouring in Christ's vineyard; yetthe seed of the Word he (all this while) sowed in the hearts of hiscongregation, watered with the grace of God, brought forth inabundance, in bringing in disciples to the church of Christ. 

Another part of his time is spent in reconciling differences, bywhich he hindered many mischiefs, and saved some families fromruin, and in such fallings-out he was uneasy, till he found a meansto labour a reconciliation, and become a peace-maker, on whom ablessing is promised in holy writ; and indeed in doing this goodoffice, he may be said to sum up his days, it being the lastundertaking of his life, as will appear in the close of this paper. 

When in the late reign, liberty of conscience was unexpectedlygiven and indulged to dissenters of all persuasions, his piercingwit penetrated the veil, and found that it was not for thedissenters' sakes they were so suddenly freed from the hardprosecutions that had long lain heavy upon them, and set in amanner, on an equal foot with the Church of England, which thepapists were undermining, and about to subvert: he foresaw all theadvantages that could have redounded to the dissenters would havebeen no more than what Polyphemus, the monstrous giant of Sicily, would have allowed Ulysses, viz. : That he would eat his men first, and do him the favour of being eaten last: for although Mr Bunyan, following the examples of others, did lay hold of this liberty, asan acceptable thing in itself, knowing God is the only Lord ofconscience, and that it is good at all times to do according to thedictates of a good conscience, and that the preaching the gladtidings of the Gospel is beautiful in the preacher; yet in all thishe moved with caution and a holy fear, earnestly praying for theaverting impending judgments, which he saw, like a black tempest, hanging over our heads for our sins, and ready to break in upon us, and that the Ninevites' remedy was now highly necessary: hereuponhe gathered his congregation at Bedford, where he mostly lived, andhad lived and spent the greatest part of his life; and there beingno convenient place to be had for the entertainment of so great aconfluence of people as followed him upon the account of histeaching, he consulted with them for the building of a meeting-house, to which they made their voluntary contributions with allcheerfulness and alacrity; and the first time he appeared there toedify, the place was so thronged, that many was constrained to staywithout, though the house was very spacious, every one striving topartake of his instructions, that were of his persuasion, and showtheir good-will towards him, by being present at the opening of theplace; and here he lived in much peace and quiet of mind, contenting himself with that little God had bestowed upon him, andsequestering himself from all secular employments, to follow thatof his call to the ministry; for as God said to Moses, He that madethe lips and heart, can give eloquence and wisdom, withoutextraordinary acquirements in an university. 

During these things, there were regulators sent into all cities andtowns corporate, to new model the government in the magistracy, etc. , by turning out some, and putting in others: against this MrBunyan expressed his zeal with some weariness, as foreseeing thebad consequence that would attend it, and laboured with hiscongregation to prevent their being imposed on in this kind; andwhen a great man in those days, coming to Bedford upon some sucherrand, sent for him, as 'tis supposed, to give him a place ofpublic trust, he would by no means come at him, but sent hisexcuse. 

When he was at leisure from writing and teaching, he often came upto London, and there went among the congregations of the non-conformists, and used his talent to the great good-liking of thehearers; and even some to whom he had been mis-represented, uponthe account of his education, were convinced of his worth andknowledge in sacred things, as perceiving him to be a man of roundjudgment, delivering himself plainly and powerfully; insomuch thatmany, who came mere spectators for novelty sake rather than toedify and be improved, went away well satisfied with what theyheard, and wondered, as the Jews did at the Apostles, viz. : Whencethis man should have these things; perhaps not considering that Godmore immediately assists those that make it their businessindustriously and cheerfully to labour in His vineyard. 

Thus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great Lord andMaster, the ever-blessed Jesus; he went about doing good, so thatthe most prying critic, or even Malice herself, is defied to find, even upon the narrowest search or observation, any sully or stainupon his reputation, with which he may be justly charged; and thiswe note, as a challenge to those that have the least regard forhim, or them of his persuasion, and have one way or other appearedin the front of those that oppressed him; and for the turning whosehearts, in obedience to the commission and commandment given him ofGod, he frequently prayed, and sometimes sought a blessing forthem, even with tears, the effects of which, they may, peradventure, though undeservedly, have found in their persons, friends, relations, or estates; for God will hear the prayer of thefaithful, and answer them, even for them that vex them, as ithappened in the case of Job's praying for the three persons thathad been grievous in their reproach against him, even in the day ofhis sorrow. 

But yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periods oftime, for the better refreshing the memories of those that knew hislabour and suffering, and for the satisfaction of all that shallread this book. 

After he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his life, and converted, he was baptized into the congregation, and admitteda member thereof, viz. , in the year 1655, and became speedily avery zealous professor; but upon the return of King Charles to thecrown in 1660, he was the 12th of November taken, as he wasedifying some good people that were got together to hear the word, and confined in Bedford jail for the space of six years, till theact of Indulgence to dissenters being allowed, he obtained hisfreedom, by the intercession of some in trust and power, that tookpity on his sufferings; but within six years afterwards he wasagain taken up, viz. , in the year 1666, and was then confined forsix years more, when even the jailor took such pity of his rigoroussufferings, that he did as the Egyptian jailor did to Joseph, putall the care and trust in his hand: When he was taken this lasttime, he was preaching on these words, viz. : Dost thou believe theSon of God? And this imprisonment continued six years, and whenthis was over, another short affliction, which was an imprisonmentof half a year, fell to his share. During these confinements hewrote the following books, viz. : Of Prayer by the Spirit: TheHoly City's Resurrection: Grace Abounding: Pilgrim's Progress, the first part. 

In the last year of his twelve years' imprisonment, the pastor ofthe congregation at Bedford died, and he was chosen to that care ofsouls, on the 12th of December 1671. And in this his charge, heoften had disputes with scholars that came to oppose him, assupposing him an ignorant person, and though he argued plainly, andby Scripture, without phrases and logical expressions, yet henonplussed one who came to oppose him in his congregation, bydemanding, Whether or no we had the true copies of the originalScriptures; and another, when he was preaching, accused him ofuncharitableness, for saying, It was very hard for most to besaved; saying, by that he went about to exclude most of hiscongregation; but he confuted him, and put him to silence with theparable of the stony ground, and other texts out of the 13thchapter of St Matthew, in our Saviour's sermon out of a ship; allhis methods being to keep close to the Scriptures, and what hefound not warranted there, himself would not warrant nor determine, unless in such cases as were plain, wherein no doubts or scruplesdid arise. 

But not to make any further mention of this kind, it is well knownthat this person managed all his affairs with such exactness, as ifhe had made it his study, above all other things, not to giveoccasion of offence, but rather suffer many inconveniences, toavoid being never heard to reproach or revile any, what injurysoever he received, but rather to rebuke those that did; and as itwas in his conversation, so it is manifested in those books he hascaused to be published to the world; where like the archangeldisputing with Satan about the body of Moses, as we find it in theepistle of St Jude, brings no railing accusation (but leaves therebukers, those that persecuted him) to the Lord. 

In his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayer andexhortation; being in this like Joshua, as the good man expressesit, viz. , Whatsoever others did, as for me and my house, we willserve the Lord: and indeed a blessing waited on his labours andendeavours, so that his wife, as the Psalmist says, was like apleasant vine upon the walls of his house, and his children likeolive branches round his table; for so shall it be with the manthat fears the Lord, and though by reason of the many losses hesustained by imprisonment and spoil, of his chargeable sickness, etc. , his earthly treasure swelled not to excess; he always hadsufficient to live decently and creditably, and with that he hadthe greatest of all treasures, which is content; for as the wiseman says, That is a continual feast. 

But where content dwells, even a poor cottage is a kingly palace, and this happiness he had all his life long; not so much mindingthis world, as knowing he was here as a pilgrim and stranger, andhad no tarrying city, but looked for one made with hands eternal inthe highest heavens: but at length was worn out with sufferings, age, and often teaching, the day of his dissolution drew near, anddeath, that unlocks the prison of the soul, to enlarge it for amore glorious mansion, put a stop to his acting his part on thestage of mortality; heaven, like earthly princes, when it threatenswar, being always so kind as to call home its ambassadors before itbe denounced, and even the last act or undertaking of his, was alabour of love and charity; for it so falling out that a younggentleman, a neighbour of Mr Bunyan's, happening into thedispleasure of his father, and being much troubled in mind uponthat account, and also for that he heard his father purposed todisinherit him, or otherwise deprive him of what he had to leave;he pitched upon Mr Bunyan as a fit man to make way for hissubmission, and prepare his father's mind to receive him; and he, as willing to do any good office, as it could be requested, asreadily undertook it; and so riding to Reading in Berkshire, hethen there used such pressing arguments and reasons against angerand passion, as also for love and reconciliation, that the fatherwas mollified, and his bowels yearned to his returning son. 

But Mr Bunyan, after he had disposed all things to the best foraccommodation, returning to London, and being overtaken withexcessive rains, coming to his lodgings extremely wet, fell sick ofa violent fever, which he bore with much constancy and patience, and expressed himself as if he desired nothing more than to bedissolved, and be with Christ, in that case esteeming death asgain, and life only a tedious delaying felicity expected; andfinding his vital strength decay, having settled his mind andaffairs, as well as the shortness of time, and the violence of hisdisease would permit, with a constant and christian patience, heresigned his soul into the hands of his most merciful Redeemer, following his pilgrim from the City of Destruction, to the NewJerusalem; his better part having been all along there, in holycontemplation, pantings and breathings after the hidden manna andwater of life, as by many holy and humble consolations expressed inhis letters to several persons in prison, and out of prison, toomany to be inserted at present. He died at the house of one MrStruddock, a grocer, at the Star on Snow Hill, in the parish of StSepulchre's, London, on the 12th of August 1688, and in thesixtieth year of his age, after ten days' sickness; and was buriedin the new burying place near the Artillery Ground; where he sleepsto the morning of the resurrection, in hopes of a glorious risingto an incorruptible immortality of joy and happiness; where no moretrouble and sorrow shall afflict him, but all tears be wiped away;when the just shall be incorporated as members of Christ theirhead, and reign with Him as kings and priests for ever. 

A brief Character of Mr JOHN BUNYAN

He appeared in countenance to be of a stern and rough temper, butin his conversation mild and affable; not given to loquacity ormuch discourse in company, unless some urgent occasion required it;observing never to boast of himself or his parts, but rather seemlow in his own eyes, and submit himself to the judgment of others, abhorring lying and swearing, being just in all that lay in hispower to his word, not seeming to revenge injuries, loving toreconcile differences, and make friendship with all; he had a sharpquick eye, accompanied with an excellent discerning of persons, being of good judgment and quick wit. As for his person, he wastall of stature, strong boned, though not corpulent, somewhat of aruddy face, with sparkling eyes, wearing his hair on his upper lip, after the old British fashion; his hair reddish, but in his latterdays, time had sprinkled it with grey; his nose well set, but notdeclining or bending, and his mouth moderate large; his foreheadsomewhat high, and his habit always plain and modest. And thushave we impartially described the internal and external parts of aperson, whose death hath been much regretted; a person who hadtried the smiles and frowns of time; not puffed up in prosperity, nor shaken in adversity; always holding the golden mean. 

In him at once did three great worthies shine, Historian, poet, and a choice divine:Then let him rest in undisturbed dust, Until the resurrection of the just. 

POSTSCRIPT

In this his pilgrimage, God blessed him with four children, one ofwhich, named Mary, was blind, and died some years before; his otherchildren were Thomas, Joseph, and Sarah; his wife Elizabeth havinglived to see him overcome his labour and sorrow, and pass from thislife to receive the reward of his work, long survived him not; butin 1692 she died, to follow her faithful pilgrim from this world tothe other, whither he was gone before her; whilst his works, whichconsist of sixty books, remain for the edifying of the reader, andpraise of the author.