KNOCKING THENEIGHBORS

BY GEORGE ADEAUTHOR OF"THE COLLEGE WIDOW, " "FABLES IN SLANG, " ETC. 

_Illustrated by Albert Leverin_

GARDEN CITY NEW YORKDOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY1912

_Copyright, 1911, 1912, by_GEORGE ADE

_Copyright, 1912, by_DOUBLEDAY, PAGE & COMPANY

_All rights reserved, including that oftranslation into foreign languages, including the Scandinavian_

CONTENTSThe Roystering BladesThe Flat-DwellerThe Advantage of a Good ThingThe Common CarrierThe Heir and the HeiressThe Undecided BachelorsThe Wonderful Meal of VittlesThe Galloping PilgrimThe Progressive ManiacCognizant of our ShortcomingsThe Divine SparkTwo Philanthropic SonsThe Juvenile and MankindThe Honeymoon That Tried to Come BackThe Local PierpontThe Life of the PartyThe Galumptious GirlEverybody's Friend and the Line-BuckerThe Through TrainThe Long and Lonesome RideOut of Class B into the King RowThe Boy Who Was ToldThe Night Given over to RevelryHe Should Have OversleptThe Dancing ManThe CollisionHow Albert Sat InThe Treasure in the Strong BoxThe Old-Fashioned ProsecutorThe Unruffled Wife and the Gallus HusbandBooks Made to BalanceThe Two Unfettered BirdsThe Telltale Tintype

ILLUSTRATIONS [omitted]

KNOCKING THE NEIGHBORS

THE ROYSTERING BLADES

Out in the Celery Belt of the Hinterland there is a stunted Flag-Station. 

Number Six, carrying one Day Coach and a Combination Baggage and StockCar, would pause long enough to unload a Bucket of Oysters and take ona Crate of Eggs. 

In this Settlement the Leading Citizens still wear Gum Arctics withlarge Buckles, and Parched Corn is served at Social Functions. 

Two highly respected Money-Getters of pure American Stock held forth inthis lonesome Kraal and did a General Merchandizing. 

One was called Milt, in honor of the Blind Poet, and the other claimedthe following brief Monicker, to wit: Henry. 

These two Pillars of Society had marched at the head of the Women andSchool Children during the Dry Movement which banished King Alcoholfrom their Fair City. 

As a result of their Efforts, Liquor was not to be obtained in thisTown except at the Drug Stores and Restaurants or in the Cellarunderlying any well-conducted Home. 

For Eleven Months and Three Weeks out of every Calendar Year these twoplayed Right and Left Tackle in the Stubborn Battle to Uplift theCommunity and better the Moral Tone. 

They walked the Straight and Narrow, wearing Blinders, Check-Reins, Hobbles and Interference Pads. 

Very often a Mother would hurry her little Brood to the Front Windowwhen Milt or Henry passed by, carrying under his arm a Package of CornFlakes and the Report of the General Secretary in charge of ChineseMissionary Work. 

"Look!" she would say, indicating Local Paragon with index Finger. "Ifyou always wash behind the Ears and learn your Catechism, you may growup to be like Him. "

But--every Autumn, about the time the Frost is on the Stock Marketand Wall Street is in the Shock, Milt and Henry would do a SkylarkAscension from the Home Nest and Wing away toward the rising Sun. 

They called it Fall Buying because both of them Bought and both of themFell. 

At Home neither of them would Kick In for any Pastime more worldly thana 10-cent M. P. Show depicting a large number of Insane People fallingover Precipices. 

The Blow-Off came on the Trip to the City. That was the BigEntertainment. 

Every Nickel that could be held out went into the little Tin Bank, forthey knew that when they got together 100 of these Washers, a man upin New York would let them have some Tiffany Water of Rare Vintage, with a Napkin wrapped around it as an Evidence of Good Faith. 

On Winter Evenings Milt would don the Velvet Slippers and grill hisLower Extremities on the ornate Portico such as surrounds every high-priced Base-Burner. 

While thus crisping himself he loved to read New Notes from Gotham. 

He believed what it said in the Paper about a well-known Heiress havingthe Teeth of her favorite Pomeranian filled with Radium at a Cost of$120, 000. 

Whenever he got this kind of a Private Peek into the Gay Life of theModern Babylon, he began to breathe through his Nose and tug at theLeash. 

He longed to dash away on the Erie to look at the Iron Fence in frontof the House of the Pomeranian. 

When the Day of Days arrived, Milt and Henry would be seen at the Depotwith congested Suit-Case and their Necks all newly shaven and powderedfor the approaching Jubilee. 

Each had pinned into his college-made Suit enough Currency to lift theDebt on the Parsonage. 

Furthermore, each had in his throbbing Heart a determination to shootPleasure as it Flies, no matter how many Cartridges it took. 

Already they were smoking Foreign Cigars and these were a mere Hint ofwhat the Future had in Store. 

While waiting for Number Six they wired for Two Rooms and Two Baths andto have Relays waiting in the Manicure Parlor. 

Up at the Junction, where they caught the Limited, they moved into theHigh and began to peel from the Roll. 

The Steak ordered in the Dining Car hung over the edge of the Table andthey scuffled to see which one would pay the Check. 

As for the Boy in the Buffet, every time he heard a Sound like 25 Centshe came out of the Dark Room and began to open small Original Packages. 

When they approached the Metropolis, via the Tunnel, they thought theywere riding in on a Curtiss Bi-Plane. 

Between the Taxi and the Register they stopped to shake hands with anOld Friend who wore a White Suit and was known from Coast to Coast asthe originator of a Pick-Me-Up which called for everything back of theWorking Board except the License. 

The Clerk let on to remember them and quoted a Bargain Rate of SixDollars, meaning by the Day and not by the Month. 

They wanted to know if that was the Best he had and he said it was, asthe Sons of Ohio were having a Dinner in the Main Banquet Hall. 

So they ordered a lot of Supplies sent up to each Room and wanted toknow if there was a Good Show in Town--something that had beendenounced by the Press. 

The Clerk told of one in which Asbestos Scenery was used and Firemenhad to stand in the Wings, so they tore over to the News Stand andbought two on the Aisle for $8 from a pale Goddess who kept looking atthe Ceiling all during the Negotiations, for she seemed out of Sympathywith her Sordid Surroundings. 

Then to the Rooms with their glittering Bedsteads and insultingprodigality of Towels. 

After calling up the Office to complain of the Service, they shook theMoth Balls out of their Henry Millers and began to sort the Studs. 

When fully attired in Evening Clothes, including the Sheet-Iron Shoes, they knew they looked like New York Club Men and the Flag Stationseemed far away, as in another World. 

Instead of the usual 6:30 Repast of Chipped Beef in Cream, SodyBiscuits and a Stoup of Gunpowder Tea, they ordered up Cape Cods, Pommes Let-it-go-at-that, Sweetbreads So-and-so, on and on past thepartially heated Duck and Salad with Fringe along the Edges and Cheesethat had waited too long and a Check for $17. 40 and the Waiter peevedat being slipped a paltry $1. 60. 

Heigh-ho! It is a Frolicking Life!

Pity the Poor Folks who are now getting ready to court the Hay inAkron, Ohio, and Three Oaks, Michigan, and Tulsa, Oklahoma, with nothought of what they are Missing. 

They remembered afterward being in a gilded Play-House with theActivities equally divided between a Trap-Drummer and 700 restlessYoung Women. 

Then, being assailed by the Pangs of Hunger, they went out andpurchased Crab Flakes at 20 cents a Flake, after which they paid to gettheir Hats, and next Morning they were back in their rooms, entirelysurrounded by Towels. 

On the third Afternoon, Milt suspended Fall Buying long enough to sendhis Family a Book of Views showing the Statue of Peter Cooper, theAviary in Bronx Park, and Brooklyn Bridge by Moonlight. 

Then, with a Clear Conscience, he went back and put his Foot on the Rail. 

The morning on which their Bodies were taken to Pennsylvania Stationbroke bright and cheery. 

Milt said somebody had fed him a Steam Coie and put Mittens on him andunscrewed his Knee-Caps. 

Otherwise, he was O. K. . 

Henry kept waving the English Sparrows out of the Way, and asking whyso many Bells were ringing. 

Two weeks later, at the Union Revival Services, when Rev. Poindextergave out that rousing old Stand-By which begins "Yield Not toTemptation, " Milt and Henry arose from the Cushioned Seats and sangtheir fool Heads off. 

MORAL: One who would put Satan on the Mat must get Inside Informationfrom his Training Quarters. 

THE FLAT-DWELLER

Once there was a tired Denizen of the Big Town whose home was at theend of a Hallway in a Rabbit Warren known as the Minnehaha. 

It was not a Tenement, because he had to pay $30 a Month for acompressed Suite overlooking 640 acres of Gravel Roof. 

Sitting back in his Morris Chair with his Feet on the tiny Radiator hewould read in the Sunday Paper all that Bunk about the Down-and-Outs ofthe City hiking back to the Soil and making $8, 000 a year raisingRadishes. 

He saw the Pictures of the Waving Trees and the Growing Crops and theoleaginous Natives and he yearned to get out where he wouldn't hear theTrolleys in the Morning and the Kids could get Milk that came from aCow. 

So he gave up his Job in the Box Factory and moved out to JasperTownship and tackled Intensive Farming. 

He had been Precinct Captain in the Ate Ward and by applyingMetropolitan Methods at the Yap Primaries he succeeded in breakinginto the Legislature and soon owned the Farm on which he lived and twoothers besides. 

MORAL: One may get close to Nature, even in the Country. 

THE ADVANTAGE OF A GOOD THING

Once there was a prosperous Manufacturer who had made his Stake byhandling an every-day Commodity at a small Margin of Profit. 

One Morning the Representative of a large Concern dealing in guaranteedSecurities came in to sell him some gilt-edged Municipal Bonds thatwould net a shade under 5 per cent. 

"I'll have to look into the Proposition very carefully, " said theInvestor, as he tilted himself back in his jointed Chair. "I must havethe History of all previous Bond Issues under the same Auspices. Alsothe Report of an Expert as to possible Shrinkage of Assets. AnyInvestment should be preceded by a systematic and thoroughInvestigation. "

Having delivered himself of this Signed Editorial he dismissed the BondSalesman and went back to his Morning Mail. 

The next Caller wore a broad Sombrero, leather Leggings, and a BillCody Goatee--also the Hair down over the Collar. He looked as if hehad just escaped from a Medicine Show. After lowering the Curtains heproduced from a Leather Pouch a glistening Nugget which he had found ina lonely Gulch near Death Valley. 

The careful Business Guy began to quiver like an Aspen and bought10, 000 shares at $2 a Share on a Personal Guarantee that it would go toPar before Sept. 1st. 

MORAL: It all depends on the Bait. 

THE COMMON CARRIER

Once there was a little E-Flat Town that needed a Direct Communicationwith a Trunk Line. 

A Promoter wearing Sunday Clothes and smoking 40-cent Cigars came outfrom the City to see about it. 

The Daily Paper put him on the Front Page. Five Dollars was the Set-Back for each Plate at the Banquet tendered him by the MercantileAssociation. A Bonus was offered, together with a Site for the RepairShops and the Round House. 

When the College Graduates in Khaki Suits began to drag Chains acrossLots, a wave of Joy engulfed Main Street from the Grain Elevator clearout to the Creamery. 

Then came 10, 000 Carusos, temporarily residing in Box Cars, todisarrange the Face of Nature and put a Culvert over the Crick. RealEstate Dealers emerged from their Holes and local Rip Van Winklesbegan to sit up and rub their Eyes. 

One morning a Train zipped through the Cut and pulled up at the NewStation. 

The Road was an Assured Fact. The Rails were spiked down; the RollingStock was in Commission; Trains were running according to Schedule. 

There was no longer any Reason for Waiting, so the Citizens hiked overto the Court House and began to file Damage Suits. The Town Councilstarted in to pass Ordinances and the Board of Equalization whooped theTaxes. 

Horny-handed Jurors hung around the Circuit Court-Room waiting for aChance to take a Wallop at the soulless Corporation. 

When the Promoter came along on a Tour of Inspection, the only Persondown to meet him was the Sheriff. 

Children in the Public School practised the new Oval Penmanship byfilling their Copy-Books with the following popular Catch-Line: "Whenyou have a Chance to Soak the Railroad, go to it. "

And the Trains never ran to suit Everybody. 

MORAL: Go easy with Capital until you get it Roped and Tied. 

THE HEIR AND THE HEIRESS

Once upon a Time there was a Work-Horse who used to lie awake Nightsframing up Schemes to Corral more Collateral to leave to the OliveBranches. 

They may have looked like Jimpson Weeds to the rest of the World butto Pa and Ma they were A-1 Olive Branches. 

Pa was a self made Proposition--Sole-Leather, Hand-Stitched and Four-Ply, with Rivets around the Edge. 

His Business Career had been one long Rassle with AdverseCircumstances. Nothing was ever handed to him on a Sheffield Traywith Parsley around it. The World owed him a Living, but in orderto collect it he had to conduct his Arguments with a piece of Lead-Pipe. 

He was out for the Kids, if you know what that means. He wascollecting Hebrew Diplomas and he had a special Liking for thelight-colored Variety with a large C in the Corner. 

He was going to provide for his Family, regardless of what happened toother Families. 

He had a little Office back of the Bank and made a Specialty of helpingthose overtaken by Trouble. Any one in Financial Straits who went intothe Back Office to arrange for a Loan was expected to open Negotiationsby removing the Right Eye and laying it on the Table. 

Pa had Mormon Whiskers and a Mackerel Eye and wore a Shawl instead ofan Overcoat and kept a little Bag of Peppermint Drops in his Tail-Pocket and walked Pussy-Foot and took more Stock in Isaiah than he didin the Sermon on the Mount. 

The Above is merely a Rough Outline, but it will help you to understandwhy his Wife preceded him to the Other Shore. 

She was a Good Woman who never formed the Matinee Habit and up to theDay of her Death she could put her Hand on her Heart and truly say shehad not wasted any Money on Jewelry or Cut Flowers. 

But she could have written a large Book on how it feels to get up inthe Morning and stir a little Oatmeal. 

Pa and Ma saved and skimped and held out and trimmed and maneuvered forYears. 

They had been brought up in the School of Hard Knocks, but they wantedBertrand and Isabel to go through Life on Ball Bearings. 

Pa finally went to his Reward, according to the Local Paper, and thenit came out that Bertrand and Isabel had $400, 000 each, which was morethan Pa had ever turned in to the Assessor. 

These two Children had been sheltered from the Great World, althoughnever stinted in the matter of Sassafras Tea or the Privilege ofreading Books written by Josephus and others. 

As soon as he came into his inheritance, Bertrand looked about in astartled Manner and then bought himself a Plush Hat and began tocultivate Pimples. 

A few Days later he might have been seen riding in a Demonstrating Carwith a Salesman who wore Goggles and who told him that all the SwellGuys were putting in Orders for the $6, 200 Type with the jeweled Mud-Guards. And next Morning the Sexton observed that Father, by turningover in the Grave, had somewhat loosened the fresh Earth. 

Bertrand had Modern Plumbing put into the Old House and built a PorteCochere on the Side and moved a lot of Red Velvet Furniture into theParlor. Some said that the Moaning Sound heard at Night was only theWind in the Evergreens, but others allowed that it was the returnedSpirit of the Loan Agent checking over the Expenses. 

Isabel stopped wearing Things that scratched her and began orderingfrom a Catalogue, because the Local Dealers didn't carry anything butCommon Stuff. Also she began to Entertain, and the first time sheserved Hot-House Asparagus in January, the House rocked on itsFoundations. 

Bertrand soon knew the Difference between a Rickey and a Sour and wastrying to pretend to let on to be fond of the Smoky Taste in thatImported Article which has done so much to mitigate the Horrors of Golf. 

In the meantime, Isabel had got so far along that she could tell by theFeel whether the Goods were real or only Mercerized, and each SettingSun saw a new crimp in the Bank Account. 

All Statisticians agree that a couple of Heirs can spend Much Money andyet besides if they do not work at anything else. Especially whenevery Pearl in the Rope represents a Chattel Mortgage and a fancyWeskit is a stand-off for One Month's Rent of a good piece of TownProperty. 

Bertrand married a tall Blonde who knew that Columbus discoveredAmerica, and which kind of Massage Cream to buy, and let it go at that. 

They went abroad and began to Ritz themselves. Every time Madam walkedinto one of those places marked "English Spoken while you Wait"--Zing!The Letter of Credit resembled a piece of Apple Pie just after thewilling Farm Hand has taken a Hack at it. 

Isabel hastened to make an Alliance with one of the oldest and toniestFamilies west of Bucyrus and north of Evansville. She succeeded incapturing an awful Swell Boy who wore an Outside Pocket on his DressCoat and made a grand Salad Dressing (merely rubbing the Bowl with aSprig of Garlic) and was otherwise qualified to maintain SocialLeadership all the way from the Round House up to the Hub and SpokeFactory on the Hill. 

Isabel's Husband built a House near the Country Club so as to get theAutomobile Trade, coming and going. Some of the Best People would dropin and show the Ice-Box how to take a Joke. 

Late at Night, when a Hush fell upon the $28, 000 Bungalow, the DeepQuiet signified that some had Passed Away and others had locked Hornsat Bridge--10 Cents a Point. 

Even Lake Superior would go Dry if tapped at two different Points byDrain Pipes of Sufficient Diameter. 

After Bertrand returned from Europe with his Paintings and a Table d'HoteVocabulary, he and Brother-in-Law began to compare Mortgages. By consulting the Road-Map they discovered that the Primrose Pathwould lead them over a high Precipice into a Stone Quarry, so theydecided to take a Short Cut at Right Angles and head for theMillionaire Colony. 

The Day they started for New York City with a Coil of Strong Rope, their purpose being to tie Kuhn, Loeb Co. , Hand and Foot, it is saidthat a long vertical Crack appeared in one of the most expensiveMonuments in Springvale Cemetery, as if some one underneath had beentrying to break out and Head Off something. 

In preserving the form of a Narrative it becomes necessary to add thatBertrand is now the obliging Night Clerk at a Hotel in Louisville, witha Maximum Rate of $1. 50 Single and a Shower Bath. 

Brother-in-Law is Assistant Treasurer at a Temple of Amusement whichguarantees all the latest and best Films. 

What became of the Bundle?

Listen. 

When Pa locked up his Desk and started for the Pearly Gates, he leftbehind in the office an humble Man Friday, who took care of the Booksand did the Collecting. 

This Understrapper was a Model Citizen of 35 who wore a plain StringTie, drank Malted Milk and was slightly troubled with Bronchitis. 

When the Children began throwing it at the Birds, he bought himself aNet and got Busy. 

Any time Anybody wanted to plaster a Mortgage on a Desirable Corner hewas there with a Fountain Pen and a Notary. 

It nearly broke his Back to carry all the Property, but he kept buyingit in and then hung over his Desk until all Hours of the Night figuringhow he could meet the Payments. 

He wore the same Overcoat for nine years and his Wife never saw one ofthose Hats with Bagoozulum and Bazoosh flounced all over it unless shewent down town and looked through a Window. 

One Day a friend remonstrated with the Slave. 

"Why are you wearing yourself to a Shadow and getting Old before yourTime?" he asked. "What shall it avail a Man if he is PrincipalDepositor at a Bank when it comes to riding behind Horses that wearPlumes?"

"I will tell you, " replied the Slave. "I have a Boy named Bertrand anda little Girl named Isabel and my Wife and I have decided that it isour Duty to leave them Well-Fixed. "

MORAL: Somebody must rake up the Leaves before the Young People canhave a successful Bon-Fire. 

THE UNDECIDED BACHELORS

Once upon a Time two Mavericks lived together in a Cubby-Hole in aEuropean Hotel in a surging Metropolis. 

They worked for a grinding Corporation, each pulling down a Stipendthat enabled him to indulge in Musical Comedies, Rotation Pool, TurkishCigarettes, Link Buttons and other Necessities of Life. 

Often they would put their Feet on the Window Sill and talk about theFuture. 

They said that every Man should have a Home of his Own. To the Beanerythrice a Day and then back to the Box Stall was no Life for a refinedCaucasian. 

Number One had a Theory that Two could get along as cheaply as One, ifWife would practise Rigid Economy. Rents were lower in the Suburbs. He looked up into the Pipe-Smoke and caught a Vision of a Bungalow withHollyhocks in front and a Hammock swinging in the Breeze. Somehow hefelt that he never would save any Money until he took the High Jump andbecame a Family Man. 

Number Two had a vague Yearning to experiment with Matrimony, but hesaid he would wait until he was Fixed. When he could open up thelittle Bank-Book and see in plain sight the Ice-Box and the TalkingMachine and the Dining-Room Chairs, then, and not until then, would heask a Nice Girl to leave a Comfortable Home and take a Gamble. 

Number One picked out a Stenographer who was ready to retire, onaccount of her Spelling, and then he called on the License Clerk, aPresbyterian Minister and the Weekly Payment shark. 

He packed up his Banjo and the Military Brushes and left Number Twomarooned in the Rat Pit with the Oak Dresser and the Pictures of AnnaHeld on the Wall. 

Number Two said he would swim the River and join him in the PromisedLand as soon as he was Two Thousand to the Good. 

Soon after the break-up of the Damon and Pythias Combination, one ofthem was transferred to the Detroit Branch. 

They did not meet again until ten years later. 

One day the Benedict had little Marjorie and the Baby out at thePublic Zoo, so they could hear the Sea Lions bark, when Number Twocame along in a Sight-Seeing Automobile with other Delegates to theNational Conclave of the Knights of Neurasthenia. 

It was a Happy Meeting between the two Old Friends. 

Number One reported that his Little Girl could recite long Poems byHeart and was about to take Music Lessons. He was living in a Flat, but was about to move. 

Number Two said he was Finer than Silk except that Hotel Cooking hadgot to him at last and he had to stop in and see an Osteopath everyMorning. 

"You are still Unmarried?" asked Number One. 

"Yes, " was the Reply. "I am still $2, 230 Shy of what a Guy needsbefore tackling such a risky Game. How are you making it?"

"I am Broke, thank you, " replied Number One. 

With the utmost Good Feeling re-established between them, they tookMarjorie and the Baby over to see the Sacred Cow and the other DumbAnimals. 

MORAL: Opportunity knocks once at Every Man's Door and then keeps onKnocking. 

THE WONDERFUL MEAL OF VITTLES

Once upon a Time a Rugged Character from the Middle West was in NewYork City fixing up a Deal. 

Although he wore overlapping Cuffs and a ready-made Tie, he had aRating, so a certain Promoter with an Office in Broad Street found itadvisable to make a Fuss over him. 

The Promoter invited the prospective Mark to Luncheon and arranged tohave the same served in a snug Corner entirely screened by Oleandersand Palms. 

The Chef received private Instructions to throw himself, so hepersonally supervised a dainty Menu. 

When the Visitor entered the far-famed Establishment and found himselfentirely protected from the Vulgar Gaze he knew that at last he was inthe Headquarters for sure-enough Food. 

"What is it?" he asked, gazing into the liquid Amber of the FirstCourse. 

"Turtle Soup, " replied the Host. 

"We shoot the Blame Things just for Practice, out our Way, " said theGuest, "but if I went home and told my Wife I'd been eatin' Turtle shewouldn't live with me. "

So the Alsatian Nobleman hurried it away and substituted a Tid-Bit withCray-Fish as the principal Ornament in the Ensemble. 

"It's a Craw-Dabber!" exclaimed the horrified Man from the Plains. "Isee Ten Million of them little Cusses every Spring, but I wouldn'ttouch one with a Ten-Foot Pole. "

To relieve the embarrassing Situation, the Host gave a Sign and theMenials came running with the Third Course, a tempting array of FrogSaddles. 

"A Frog is a Reptile, " said the Hoosier, backing away from the Table. "I've heard they were Et, but I never believed it. I can go out anyMorning and gather a Car-Load. "

The next Serving was Breast of Guinea Hen with Mushrooms under Glass onthe Side. 

"On my Farm I've got a lot of these Things, " said the Guest, poking atthe Guinea Hen timidly with his Fork. "We use them as Alarm Clocks, but I'd just as soon eat a Turkey Buzzard. "

"How about the Mushrooms?"

"Eight People in our Township were poisoned this Summer from foolin'with that Truck. My pasture's speckled with 'em, but we never pick'em. Most of them are Toadstools. I tried a Real One once at a K. P. Banquet. It tasted a good deal like a Rubber Glove. "

The only remaining Item before Dessert was a tempting Salad of WaterCress. 

The Guest identified it as something that grew in the Crick below theSpring and was commonly classified as Grass. 

"Perhaps you had better order for Yourself, " said the Host, as thelowly Water Cress followed the others into the Discard. 

The Guest motioned the Waiter to come close and said: "I want a niceOyster Stew and some Sparkling Burgundy. "

MORAL: A Delicacy is something not raised in the same County. 

THE GALLOPING PILGRIM

A certain affluent Bachelor happened to be the only Grandson of arugged Early Settler who wore a Coon-Skip Cap and drank Corn Juice outof a Jug. Away back in the Days when every Poor Man had Bacon in theSmoke House, this Pioneer had been soaked in a Trade and found himselfloaded up with a Swamp Subdivision in the Edge of Town. 

Fifty years later the City had spread two miles beyond the Swamp andGrandson was submerged beneath so much Unearned Increment that he beganto speak with what sounded to him like an English Accent and his Shirtswere ordered from Paris. 

On the 1st of every Month the Agents would crawl into the Presence ofthe Grandson of the mighty Muskrat Hunter and dump before him a Wagon-load of Paper Money which had been snatched away from the strugglingShop-Keepers, who, in turn, had wheedled it from the people who paid aNickel apiece for Sunday Papers so as to look at the Pictures of theDecorations in the Supper Room at the Assembly Ball graced by thePresence of the aforesaid Bachelor whose Grandfather had lifted theoriginal Catfish out of the Chicago River. 

Then the Representative of the Old Family would take a Garden Rake andpattern all this hateful Currency into a neat Mound, after which amilk-fed Secretary would iron it out and disinfect it and sprinkle itwith Lilac Water and tie it into artistic Packets using Old GoldRibbon. 

After that, it was Hard Lines for the Bachelor, because he had to sitby a window at the Club and dope out some new Way of getting all thatCoin back into Circulation. 

As a result of these Herculean Efforts to vaporize his Income, he foundhimself at the age of 40 afflicted with Social Gastritis. He hadgorged himself with the Pleasures of this World until the sight of aMenu Card gave him the Willies and the mere mention of Musical Comedywould cause him to break down and Cry like a Child. 

He had crossed the Atlantic so often that he no longer wished to sitat the Captain's Table. He had rolled them high at Monte Carlo andwatched the Durbar at Delhi and taken Tea on the Terrace at Shepheard'sin Cairo and rickshawed through Japan and ridden the surf in Honolulu, while his Name was a Household Word among the Barmaids of the IcePalace in London, otherwise known as the Savoy. 

Occasionally he would return to his provincial Home to raise the Rentson the Shop-Keepers and give out an Interview criticising the NewSchool of Politicians for trifling with Vested Interests and seeking todisturb Existing Conditions. 

Any time his Rake-Off was reduced from $10 a Minute to $9. 98 he wouldlet out a Howl like a Prairie Wolf and call upon Mortimer, his Man, for Sympathy. 

After Twenty Years of getting up at Twilight to throw aside the Pyjamasand take a Tub and ease himself into the Costume made famous by JohnDrew, the Routine of buying Golden Pheasants and Special Cuvee Vintagesfor almost-Ladies, preserved by Benzoate of Soda and other ChemicalMysteries, began to lose its Sharp Zest. 

In other Words, he was All In. 

He was Track-Sore and Blase and full of Ongway. He had played thewhole String and found there was nothing to it and now he was readyto retire to a Monastery and wear a Gunny-Sack Smoking Jacket and liveon Spinach. 

The Vanities of the Night-World had got on his Nerves at last. Insteadof sitting 8 Feet away from an Imported Orchestra at 2 A. M. Andtaunting his poor old Alimentary System with Sea Food, he began toprefer to take a 10-Grain Sleeping Powder and fall back in the Alfalfa. 

About Noon the next Day he would come up for Air, and in order to killthe rest of the Day he would have to hunt up a Game of Auction Bridgewith three or four other gouty old Mavericks. 

When the Carbons begin to burn low in the sputtering Arc Lights alongthe Boulevard of Pleasure and the Night Wind cuts like a Chisel and theReveler finds his bright crimson Brannigan slowly dissolving into aBust Head, there is but one thing for a Wise Ike to do and that is toChop on the Festivities and beat it to a Rest Cure. 

That is just what the well-fixed Bachelor decided to do. 

He resolved to Marry and get away from the Bright Lights and lie downsomewhere in a quilted Dressing Gown and a pair of Soft Slippers anddevote the remainder of his Life to a grand clean-up of the Works ofArnold Bennett. 

He selected a well-seasoned Senorita who was still young enough to showto your Men Friends but old enough to cut out all the prevalentMushgush about the Irish Drama and Norwegian Art and Buddhism and thetrue Symbolism of Russian Dancing. 

Best of all, she had a spotless Reputation, holding herself down to oneBronx at a Time and always going behind a Screen to do her Inhaling. 

They were Married according to the new Ceremonies devised by theRingling Brothers. As they rode away to their Future Home, the oldStager leaned back in the Limousine and said: "At last the Bird hasLit. I am going to put on the Simple Life for an Indefinite Run. Ihave played the Hoop-La Game to a Standstill, so it is me for a Havenof Rest. "

As soon as they were safely in their own Apartments, the beautifulBride began to do Flip Flops and screech for Joy. 

"At last I have a License to cut loose!" she exclaimed. "For years Ihave hankered and honed to be Dead Game and back Excitement right offthe Cards, but every time I pulled a Caper the stern-faced Mater wouldbe at Elbow, saying: 'Nix on the Acrobatics or you'll lose yourNumber. ' Now I'm a regular honest-to-goodness Married Woman and Idon't recognize any Limit except the Sky-Line. I grabbed you because Iknew you had been to all the Places that keep Open and could frame upa new Jamboree every day in the Year. I'm going to plow an 8-footFurrow across Europe and Dine forevermore at Swell Joints where famousShow Girls pass so close to your Table that you can almost reach outand Touch them. I'm going to Travel 12 months every Year and do allthe Stunts known to the most imbecile Globe-Trotter. "

A few Weeks after that, a Haggard Man with tattered Coat-Tails was seengoing over the old familiar Jumps. 

MORAL: Those who Marry to Escape something usually find Something Else. 

THE PROGRESSIVE MANIAC

Once there was a staid and well-behaving Citizen who took home a dab ofSteak, wrapped up in Brown Paper, nearly every Evening, and found hisExcitement by working on the Puzzle Column in the Church Paper. 

In order to run out to his Farm and save the Expense of keeping a Gee-Gee, he purchased a kind of Highway Beetle, known as a Runabout. Itwas a One-Lunger with a Wheel Base of nearly 28 inches and two Coal OilGleamers. 

When standing still, it panted like a Dachshund and breathed Blue Smokethrough the Gills. 

It steered with a Rudder, the same as a Canal Boat, and every time itstarted up a 4 per cent Grade it became Black in the Face and tried tolie down. 

All the large brutal-looking Cars with the swollen Wheels came alongand tried to Ditch him. They showed him the same courteousconsideration that would be lavished upon a Colored Republican Oratorin Tuscaloosa, Ala. 

When he pulled up alongside of the Road to adjust the Buzzer and jigglethe Feed and clean the Plug, the idle Spectators would stand around andremark that the mixture was wrong and the Ignition was a Punk and theTransmission was a Fliv. So he knew he was In Wrong. 

He traded for a dashing 2-Cylinder Affair painted Red, with a Tonneauas wide and roomy as a Telephone Booth, and approached from the extremeRear by a small Door, as in the case of a Blind Pig. 

When he turned in the Runabout, he was allowed one Outer Casing and aMonkey-wrench in Exchange. 

He was Some Motorist for about Three Weeks after the delivery ofJuggernaut Number Two. He wore Leather Clothes, the same as BarneyOldfield. 

But when he bumped up against the Owners of the Big Touring Cars he wasjust as much at home as a One-armed Man at a Husking Bee. 

He began to discover that in the Gasoline Set a Man is rated by thenumber of Cylinders he carries. 

At the beginning of the Third Season we find him steering a long, low, rakish Chariot of Fire, with a Clock, a Trunk-Rack, an Emergency Ice-Box and all the other Comforts of Home. He had learned to smell aConstable a Mile off and whenever he ran up behind a Pewee Coffee-Grinder he went into the High and made the Cheap Machine look like aFish. 

Whenever the Bobbler pointed to anything short of 40 he felt that hewas just the same as standing still. He loved to throw open theMuffler and hit the High Spots, never stopping until the Wheels becameclogged up with Live Stock and Poultry. 

One day while he was breezing along the Pike at the easy Clip usuallymaintained by the Twentieth Century Limited, he heard behind him a lowand sullen Roar, as of the Wind playing through 1, 000 Pine Trees, andsomething Gray and about as long-waisted as a Torpedo Boat shot pasthim and went over the Hill. He fell forward on the Wheel and began toWeep. 

He had been Shown Up. 

He knew that he could never look his Fellow-Man in the Eye until hetraded in and got a Six with enough Power to jump Small Streams andClimb Trees. 

At last he appeared on the Road with the Real Thing. It had ArmorPlate all over it and a 10-foot Cow Catcher in front, and the Driverhad to sit on the Small of his Back and wear a Helmet. 

The Morning he ran it out of the Garage a Prominent Insurance Companyforeclosed on the Farm, but he was in a cheery Mood, for he knew hecould cut Rings around any other Balloon in the County. 

One Morning he went around a Curve on Two Wheels and tried to dislodgea New Bridge turned out by the Steel Trust and imbedded in solidConcrete. 

A Neighbor went to the Widow and said: "I have Sad News for you. Your Husband has gone to his Reward. "

"When did he start?" asked the Bereaved Woman. 

"At Ten Thirty-Eight, " was the Reply. 

"What Time is it Now?"

"It lacks Four Minutes of being Eleven o'Clock. "

"Well, " she remarked, in a Relieved Tone, "He must be There by thisTime, unless he has had a Puncture. "

MORAL: The Cocaine and Morphine Habits can be Cured. 

COGNIZANT OF OUR SHORTCOMINGS

On the deck of a Trans-Atlantic Skiff, a certain Old Traveler, who owedallegiance to George and Mary, reclined on his Cervical Vertebrae witha Plaid Shawl across him and roasted Our Native Land. 

He told the American in the next Steamer Chair that he had been unableto get his Tea at the usual Hour, and out in the place called Minnie-Apples the stupid Waiter never had heard of Bloaters for Breakfast. Furthermore, he had not seen his Boots again after placing them outsidethe Door in Chicago. 

The Houses were overheated and the Railway Carriages were not likethose at Home, and the Reporters were Forward Chaps, and Ice should notbe added with the Soda, because it was not being Done. 

He was jolly glad to escape from the Wretched Hole and get back to hisown Lodgings, where he could go into Cold Storage and have a Joint ofMutton and Brussels Sprouts as often as desired. 

The Yankee cringed under the Attack and then fully agreed with the Sonof amphibious Albion. He said we were a new and crude People who didnot know how to wear Evening Clothes or eat Stilton Cheese, and ourPoliticians were corrupt, and Murderers went unpunished, while theAverage Citizen was a dyspeptic Skate afflicted with Moral Strabismus. 

Then he retired to his State Room to weep over the Situation, and theBritish Subject said: "The American is a Poltroon, for he will notdefend his own Hearth and Fireside. "

A Cook's Tourist from Emporia, Kansas, dropped into the Vacant Chair. When the Delegate from The Rookery, Wormwood Scrubs, Islington S. E. , resumed his scorching Arraignment of the U. S. A. , he got an awful Riseout of the Boy from the Corn Belt. 

The Emporia Man said there were more Bath Tubs to the Square Mile outin his Burg than you could find in the West End of London, and morePaupers and Beggars in one Square Mile of the East End of London thanyou could find in the whole State of Kansas. He said there were fewerMurders in England because good Opportunities were being overlooked. 

He said he could Tip any one in England except, possibly, theArchbishop of Canterbury. 

It was his unbiased Opinion that London consisted of a vast swarm ofmelancholy Members of the Middle and Lower Classes of the AnimalKingdom who ate Sponge Cake with Clinkers in it, drank Tea, smokedPipes and rode by Bus, and thought they were Living. 

Standing beneath the rippling folds of Old Glory, the proud Citizen ofthe Great Republic declared that we could wallop Great Britain at anyGame from Polo up to Prize-Fighting and if we cut down on the FoodSupplies the whole blamed Runt of an undersized Island would starve todeath in a Week. 

With quivering Nostrils, he heaped Scorn and Contumely upon any Racethat would call a Pie a Tart. In conclusion, he expressed Pity forthose who never had tasted Corn on the Cob. 

After he had gone up to the Bridge Deck to play Shuffle-Board, theRepresentative of the Tightest little Island on the Map took out hisNote-Book and made the following Entry: "Every Beggar living in theStates is a Bounder and a Braggart. "

That evening in the Smoke Room he began to pull his favorite Specialtyof ragging the Yanks on a New Yorker, who interrupted him by saying:"Really, I know nothing about my own Country. I spend the Winter inEgypt, the Spring in London, the Summer in Carlsbad, and the Autumn inParee. "

So the Traveler afterward reported to a Learned Society that theTypical American had become a denatured Expatriate. 

MORAL: No Chance. 

THE DIVINE SPARK

One Evening at a Converted Rink known as the Grand Opera House, a flockof intrepid Amateurs put on a War Drama. 

Lila, principal Child of the Egg and Poultry King, played a Daughter ofthe Southland, with her Hair shaken out and Lamp Black on her Eye-Winkers, so as to look like Maxine. 

All of her Relations and the other Members of the Pocahontas BridgeWhist and Pleasure Club were in Front, and they gave her a Hand everytime she stepped out from behind a Tree. 

She scored what is known in the Ibsen cult as a Knock-Out. 

At 11 P. M. , she was up on a lonesome Eminence, right between SaraBernhardt and Julia Marlowe, waiting for a Telegram from C. F. To comeon and tackle any Role that was too heavy for Maude Adams. 

The proud Parents awoke next Morning to discover that Lady Macbeth wasboarding with them. 

When she moved from one Room to another, the Portieres had to be spreadthe entire length of the Pole, so as to make Room for her Head. 

A local Haberdasher, who had been plotting to surround her with a newBungalow and a lot of Mission Furniture, went to call as per Usual andfound her away Up Stage, trying to look like Margaret Anglin in the BigScene. 

She was too busy to Hold Hands, for she was mapping out a Career whichterminated with an Electric Sign on Broadway and the Street jammed withup-town Limousines. 

So the Gents' Furnisher moved down the Street to a Brick House, theunmarried Inmates of which would begin burning Greek Fire and sendingup Balloons every time a Live One slammed the Front Gate. 

Lila had the Bacillus Theatricus gnawing in every part of her System. 

She could see the magnificent Play House crowded from Pit to Dome, justas the Producing Manager sees it every August when the Pipe is drawingfreely. 

She could hear the Leading Man in the Dress Suit say, as he pointed upthe Marble Stairway, "Ah, here comes the Countess Zika now. " And thenShe would enter trippingly, wearing $900 worth of spangled Raiment, whereupon the Vast Audience would stand up and Cheer. 

Whilst enjoying this Trance she wore a Yellow Kimono and had her Mealssent to the Room. 

Father saw that she was Hooked, so he loaded her into a Parlor Car andtook her up to a School of Dramatic Art to have her searched for Talent. 

The Head Crimp of this refined Shake-Down watched her do the Scene inwhich Ophelia goes Dotty and picks the imaginary Dandelions, and whenit was all over and Shakespeare had been reduced to a Pulp, he slappedold Ready Money on the Back and told him his Daughter was a Phenom. 

She had the Dramatic Instinct and the Fire of Genius and thatindefinable Something which enables Eva Tanguay to earn more than thePresident of the United States. 

With a couple of hundred Lessons in Correct Breathing, and the VocalCords loosened up with a Glove-Stretcher, and a row of Scallops put onthe Technique, Mary Anderson would be right back in our midst. 

So Lila got ready to fill the Vacancy caused by the Retirement of EllenTerry, while Papa went back to the little Office in one corner of theWare-House and began to sign Checks. 

It took many an Egg to have Lila properly Conservatoried. 

At last she came home with a Diploma showing that she was an Actress. 

After that, she merely needed a Play and a Company and a lot of Sceneryand a Manager and a Theater and the soft old Public buying of theScalpers, in order to realize her modest Ambition to become a Real Star. 

She took her Diploma and the Local Press Notices up to New York to seewhat she could get on them, and found 10, 000 other incipient Modjedskashitting the worn Trail that led from one Agency to another. 

Artistic Temperaments were more Abundant than Lamp Posts, and gettingan Audience with a Big Gun was just as easy as Opening a Time-Lock witha Hat Pin. 

She had an offer at the Hippodrome to walk in front of an Elephant, waving a prop Palm, but she spurned it, because she was ready to doDesdemona at a Moment's Notice. 

As for the Laudatory Article written by a would-be Willie Winter of thewild and wooly West, she couldn't find any one in the neighborhood of42nd Street who had even heard of the Tank Town in which her Folks wereso Prominent. 

In order to get Experience, she signed up with a No. 4 Company, playingthe Part of the deaf-and-dumb lady who crosses the Stage and removesthe Tea Things early in the Second Act. 

When the Troupe went on the Rocks at Mauch Chunk, Penna. , the erstwhileFavorite of the Pocahontas Club found herself seated on a Trunk marked"Theater" standing off a Deputy Sheriff and waiting for an Answer toher Wire. 

The First Old Woman, who remembered Edwin Booth, came and sat beside her. 

"Do not be discouraged, Honey, " said She. "Go right back and start allover, and possibly sometime Next Year you will again have the blessedPrivilege of going up a neglected Alley twice a Day and changing yourClothes in a Barn. Any Girl with your Looks and Family Connections cancurl up in a Four-Poster at night and then saunter to the Bath over asoft Rag in the Morning, but only a throbbing Genius can make theseNight Jumps in a Day Coach and stop at a Hotel which is operated as anAuxiliary to a first-class Saloon. It will be Hard Sledding for thefirst 15 or 20 Years, but, by the time you are 45, you may reasonablycount on getting 20 Weeks out of every 52, running around in front ofa Kinetoscope. "

Lila pulled into the Scene of her Early Triumphs with a mere suggestionof No. 2 Grease Paint still lingering behind the Ears. 

As the Train rolled through the Yards, the Foreman of the Section Gangnarrowly escaped being hit in the Head with a tin Make-Up Box hurledfrom the rear of the Observation Car. 

Next day she had a strip of Red Carpet spread for the Haberdasher andwas learning to Cook in Paper Bags. 

Whenever she hears of a Good Show coming to Town she invites all ofher Friends to come out to the Bungalow and Play Rhum on the MissionFurniture. 

MORAL: The True Friend of Humanity is one who goes to the Home TalentBenefit for Something and Hisses all Evening. 

TWO PHILANTHROPIC SONS

Two Boys sallied forth from a straggling Village in search of anirrational Female known as Dame Fortune. 

It was a sad Jolt to the Walking Vegetables back in the Stockade whenthey heard, on Good Authority, that Ezra and Bill were slamming it overthe Plate and batting above . 400. 

They simply wagged the ossified Domes and hoped the Boys were gettingit Honestly. 

Ezra and Bill, up among the inflammatory Posters and the nervousElectric Signs, kept on playing Tag with the Sherman Act until they hadit in Oodles and Bundles and Bales and Stacks. 

Finally when they became so prosperous that they had to wear Shoesspecially made, with Holes in the top, they began to be troubled withTender Recollections of Humble Birthplace. 

Through the Haze of Intervening Years they saw the Game of Two-Old-Catin the Vacant Lot back of the M. E. Church and forgot all aboutsleeping in the refrigerated Attic and going down in the morning tothaw out the Wooden Pump. 

They yearned to elbow out from the Congested Traffic of the cold andheartless City and renew Sweet Associations. 

They wanted to wander once more down the Avenues of Rhubarb and clasphands with Old Friends whose simple Hearts averaged about 14 Throbs tothe Minute. 

It is the regulation Dream of every Financial Yeggman to go back to hisOld Town wearing a Laurel Wreath and have the School Children throwMoss Roses in his Pathway. 

So Ezra sent on a Proposition. 

He wanted to build a Library at the corner of Fifth and Main, therebymaking it easy for his old Neighbors to read the Six Best Sellerswithout plugging the Author's Game. 

He offered to give 20, 000 Bucks if the Citizens would raise 5, 000 moreand maintain the Thing. 

Ezra had not been in the Habit of reading anything except the Tape andhe cared about as much for George Bernard Shaw as George Bernard Shawcared for him. 

Nevertheless, he wanted to be remembered, 50 Years hence, as the Manwho built the Library and not as the guy who dealt from the Bottom ofthe Deck, utilizing the Sleeve Device and the Bosom Hold-Out. 

By the use of Anaesthetics and Forceps the 5, 000 was secured. 

Then the Building was erected and the only Criticism made was that theLocation was poor and the dod-blasted Concern looked like a Barn andit was arranged wrong inside and nobody didn't want no Library nohow. 

When Ezra came down to the Dedication to face an outraged and tax-burdened People, he was just as popular as Tonsilitis or Sciaticaever dared to be. 

Bill came back also. 

He floated into Town one day and appeared in Jimison's General Storeand called for a Good Cigar. 

He told Mr. Jimison to take one and called up the Boys around the Stove. 

When the Word got out that Bill was Buying over at the Bee Hive, representative Citizens came on the Jump from the Harness Shop andthe Undertaking Parlor and the Elite Bowling Alley. 

Every Man that showed up got a Lottie Lee with a Band around it, andwhen Bill left on the 3:40 a Mob followed him to the Train. 

Ever after that the Word was freely passed around that Bill was a Prince. 

MORAL: In scattering Seeds of Kindness, do it by Hand and not byMachinery. 

THE JUVENILE AND MANKIND

Once there was a Kid who wore a Uniform that fit him too Soon and aCap on one Ear. His Job was to answer the Buzzer and take Orders fromany one who could show 25 Cents. 

In the Morning he might be acting as Pack-Pony for some Old Lady on aShopping Spree and in the Afternoon he would be delivering a Ton of Coal. 

He had been waved aside by Butlers and ordered about by BlondStenographers and joshed by Traveling Salesmen until his Child-Naturewas hard and flinty. 

In answering the Call of Duty he had gone to the Dressing Room andtaken a private Flash at the Magazine Beauty before she began toattach the hair or spread the Enamel. 

He had been in the private Lair of the Sure-Thingers when they werecooking up some new Method of collecting much Income without movingout of their Chairs. 

He had been by while Husbands, with the Scotch standing high in theGauge, collaborated on the Lie which was to pacify little Katisha, waiting in the Flat. 

Before delivering this Masterpiece of Fiction he would have to do alittle Sherlocking and finally locate Katisha in one of those Placeswhere they serve it in Tea-Cups. 

In the Homes of the Rich and Great where he delivered Orchids andInvitations and perfumed Regrets he would overhear Candid Expressionswhich indicated that every Social Leader was trying to slip Knock-OutDrops into somebody else's Claret Cup. 

Around the Haunts of Business he would stand on one Foot while the Bosscarefully worded the Message which was to read like a Contract whileleaving a Loop-Hole about the size of the Hudson Tunnel. 

One night the Kid was returning homeward with a Comrade in Misery. Asthe Trolley carried them toward that portion of the City where Childrenare still in Vogue, they fell to talking of the Future and what itmight have in Store for a Bright Boy who could keep on the Trot all dayand sustain himself by eating Cocoa-Nut Pie. 

The Comrade hoped to be a Vaudeville Actor, but the Kid said, aftersome Meditation: "During the past Two Years I have mingled in allGrades of Society and I have decided to round out my Career by beinga Deep-Sea Diver. "

MORAL: A little Learning is a dangerous thing and a good deal of it isSuffocating. 

THE HONEYMOON THAT TRIED TO COME BACK

Once there was an undivorced Couple that would get up every G. M. Andput on the five-ounce Mitts and wait for the Sound of the Gong. 

Each was working for the Championship of the Flat and proved to be aGlutton for Punishment. 

Every time he landed a crushing Hay-Maker on her Family History shecountered with a short-arm Jolt on his Personal Appearance. 

Both would retire to the Corners breathing heavily, but still full ofCombat. 

He loved to start out the Day by finding in the Paper what a Professorconnected with the University of Chicago had said about the AmericanWoman being a vain and shallow Parasite with a Cerebrum about the sizeof an English Walnut. 

She would retaliate by reading aloud a Special in regard to a Husbandgoing after Wife with Axe, while under the Influence of Liquor. 

After which, for 15 or 20 minutes, the Dining Room would be just aspeaceful and quiet as a Camorra Trial. 

Sometimes he would get First Blood, but just as often she would fiddlearound for an Opening and then Zowie!--right on the Conk and himStalling to escape further Punishment. 

When Nightfall came they would still be edging around the Ring, whanging away, for each was too Game to be a Quitter. 

Their Married Life, which started out with American Beauty Roses inevery Vase and a long Piece in the Paper, now settled down to a ThirtyYears' War. 

The only time when the Dove of Peace really Lit was when they hadCompany. 

Then they would Dear each other until the Premises became Sticky andshe would even coax up a Ripple of Fake Laughter when he pulled someWheeze that used to go Great the Year they were engaged. But theMoment the last Guest closed the Front Door, the Dove of Peace wouldbeat it and another domestic Gettysburg would drive the Servants toCover. 

After this had been going on for several Seasons he happened to gethold of a Powerful Work, written by a Popular Novelist (Unmarried), whomade a psychological Dissection of a Woman's Soul and then preached aFuneral Sermon over the Dead Love that once blossomed in the Heart ofthe Heroine. 

After he read this Tragedy of flickered Romance, he felt like a Pup. 

He perceived that he had been in the Wrong. 

The Novelist taught him that his Cue was to bear with the Weaker Vesseland to keep the Honeysuckle of True Affection pruned and watered byDevotion and Sacrifice. 

Therefore, he made one large Vow to cut out the Rough Stuff. 

Next Morning when the Queen of the Amazons put on her Paint andFeathers and began to beat the big War Drum there was Nothing Doing. 

He refused to enter the blood-stained Arena, and when she came afterhim he fell over and took the Count before a Punch had been delivered. 

Before starting for the Office he Kissed her a couple of times and gaveher some Massage Treatment around the Shoulder Blades and called her"Toots"--a Term of Endearment which had been rusting on the Shelf eversince they used it at Niagara Falls. 

She was so dazed by this Reversal of Form that she peeked from theFront Window and watched him clear to the Corner, convinced that he wason his way to meet Another Woman. 

He came home that Evening with a Jar of Candied Nuts, and when Mrs. Simon Legree demanded the Name of the Hussy he simply pulled aYearning Smile and invited her to go ahead and use him as a Punching-Bag. 

Next day she put a Newspaper around the Bird Cage and tied up theGeraniums and took the unfinished Tatting and Blew. 

When she walked in on her Own People, with the Declaration that allBets were off, they wanted to know all about it, and she said aSpirited Woman couldn't keep on rooming with a Guinea-Pig. 

MORAL: Contempt breeds Familiarity. 

THE LOCAL PIERPONT

One day a regularly appointed Bank Inspector went into a Stronghold ofFinance situated in a One-Night Stand and found the President of theInstitution crying all over the Blotter. 

"Why these tears?" asked the Official. "Are the Farmers paying offtheir Mortgages?"

"Worse than that, " replied the Elderly Man, whose Side Whiskers werea Tower of Strength in the Community. "We are entering upon an Eraof Extravagance. The Tillers of the Soil are no longer Hewing Woodand Drawing Water. They are now hewing Holes in the Atmosphere anddrawing Gasoline. Not many Years ago [the] Simple Agriculturist droveinto Town in a South Bend Wagon with Red Roses painted on the Dash-Board and stopped at the Bank long enough to tie a Chattel Mortgage onhis Cow, with Interest at 2 Per Cent. A Month, payable in Advance. Nowadays he comes zipping up in a This Year's Model of the Kokomobilewith Torpedo Body, Fore-Doors and Red Cushions and draws out hisBalance so that he can get Extra Tires and a Speedometer. Every HiredHand has become a Chauffeur, and the Jay that used to wear Gosh-dingitsand drive a $80 Pelter now wears Goggles and drives a Roadster withfour Lamps hung out in front of it. "

"Why are you annoyed by these Evidences of Prosperity?" asked theOfficial. "The humble Farmer has been the Goat for 2, 000 Years. Nowhe is catching Even by burning up the Turnpike, while the City Peoplewho feel sorry for him are sleeping on the Fire Escapes and saving upto see the Movies. "

"You do not grasp the full Horror of the Situation, " said the Presidentof the Bank. "If all the Reubs withdraw their Deposits in order to buythese expensive $1, 200 Cars, our Reserve will be so badly depleted andNormal Conditions so badly disturbed that possibly I will have toCancel my Order for that $7, 000 French Limousine which I picked out atthe New York Show. "

Whereupon he resumed his Weeping. 

MORAL: It is Time to call a Halt. 

THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

One Night a Complimentary Dinner was given to a Captain of Industry bysome Friends looking for Orders. 

The Chairman of the Arrangements Committee was a popular Wine-Pusher, consequently the volunteer Search Parties were out for Three Daysafter, gathering up the Dead. 

Along about 10:30, when every Perfect Gentleman was neatly Stewed, aMan connected with the Jobbing Trade got up to say a Few Words. 

He was keyed to Concert Pitch and the Audience was Piped and all theold sure-fire Bokum of a Sentimental Nature simply Killed them in theirSeats. 

When he Concluded, the hilarious Bun Brothers, with the mussed-up Hairand the twisted Shirt Bosoms, arose to their Feet and waved Napkins andgave the Orator what he described to his wife at 2 A. M. As A Novation. 

Another Good Man was spoiled. 

After Herman made this goshawful Hit with the Souses he becameconvinced that he was an After-Dinner Wit. 

Gus Thomas and Simeon Ford had nothing on him. 

Whenever he found himself seated at a Table with other People and Foodbeing served, he began to suck Lozenges and classify his Anecdotes andtry to appear Unconcerned. 

All the time he was simply waiting for the Main Fluff to come up frombehind the Chrysanthemums and say, "We have with us this evening. "

He knew he was a Dinger, because he remembered how the MagnificentAssemblage stood and cheered him for five minutes. 

Therefore his Voice sounded to him a good deal like the Boston SymphonyOrchestra playing Rubinstein's Melody in F. 

Whenever People sat down in front of the decorative Canape Caviar andgot ready to endure the Horrors of another Hotel Gorge, they wouldglance across the Snowy Expanse of White, dotted with plump CaliforniaOlives and cold, unfeeling Celery, and seeing Herman seated opposite, would remark, "Stung!"

He could not have been kept in his Chair with a Ton of Coal in eachTail-Pocket. 

And if The Ladies were present, that was when he worked in the Bird-Calls and ordered out the Twinkling Stars. 

According to the Expectation Tables of the Insurance Actuaries, probably he will Stick Around for 32 years more and never find out thathe is a Pest. 

MORAL: Those who bemoan the Decline of Oratory should remember thatOratory never was known to Decline. 

THE GALUMPTIOUS GIRL

Once there was a kittenish Senorita condemned to dwell in a PiccoloTown out on a Spur Division of the Dinkusville Short Line. 

It was one of those not-dead-but-sleeping Settlements with a Sheet-IronCornice on every Store Building and the Hack in which Gen. Sherman oncerode still meeting the Trains. 

All the older Residents were sitting back on their Surplus trying tohatch out 7 per cent. Any one suggesting a Public Improvement was ledinto Court House Square and publicly Beheaded. 

A Girl with real Jamaica Ginger coursing through her Arteries did nothave a Look-In so long as she was hung up at this Whistling Post, whereevery Meeting of the Research Club was a Poultry Exhibit and the localAstor played a Brown Derby in conjunction with the extreme Soup andFish. 

So the Senorita, by name Madeline, used to burst into Tears every timeshe saw a Train pulling away from the Depot, for she certainly had laidthe Soubrette's Curse on Home, Sweet Home. 

She had read those large explosive articles in the Family Department ofthe Sunday Paper telling how the Smart Set hang by their Toes fromChandeliers and jump into Public Fountains, and she panted for the wildfree life of the Idle Rich. 

Now it happened that Madeline had a married Female Cousin living at thecorner of Easy Street and Epicurian Avenue up in the Big Town wherePeople hated the sight of a Brass Bedstead. 

Cousin invited Madeline to come and see her, out of mere Politeness, for she had the Country Lass sized up as a Myrtle Killjoy, whose Limitprobably would be a Burton Holmes Lecture or a rollicking Afternoon atthe Tea Shop. 

Madeleine saw that she was down to Class B and would have to make animmediate Demonstration of Form to avoid being permanently Benched orsent back to the Bush League. 

Consequently, as soon as she found herself in the Main Drawing Roomamong the Ruperts and Rosalinds, she began to break Furniture and doHead-Spins on the Bokharas. Thereupon she was elected a full Sister ofthe gladsome Bunch known as the Young Married Set. 

She sent Home for all of her Things and more Coin and applied for anadvanced Degree in the Grand Lodge of the Knights and Ladies of Insomnia. 

In one month she had entirely remodeled her Figure and landscaped herHair into a new Design and carefully picked each broad Western "R" outof her Vocabulary, and she could walk right up to a French Bill of Farewithout the quiver of an Eye-Lash. Also she could hand out that DearBoy line of Polite Guff to all of those rugged and self-made Bucks whoget back to Earth every day at 5 P. M. And begin calling feebly forBarbers and Masseurs and Manicures and Nerve Specialists and Barkeeps. 

She learned that Rough House lost all Social Stigma if pulled off at 2A. M. In a Private Resort with a Striped Awning in front and a Carpetleading down to the Landing Stage. 

Her Folks kept writing her to come back Home because the Ladies of theGuild were about to have a Bazaar, but she Stalled as long as shecould, and when she finally packed up the Wardrobe Trunks and the eightkinds of Massage Cream, she extracted a promise from Cousin and severalother Desperate Characters that they would come out into the Wildernessand give the Rummies a Touch of High Life. 

It was the first time that Madeleine had spread her Wings and hit therarified Strata. For a Beginner she was there with the Spread. Shemade the American Eagle look like an English Sparrow. 

As soon as she arrived back in Sleepy Hollow she began to turn the OldFamily Residence upside down and get it stocked up, just like a Club, for the Hot Babies from the Metropolis. 

The Real Things arrived on a Special Car with their Hats down overtheir Ears and were more or less obscured by Dogs and English Help andCigarette Smoke. As they rode up Main street there was a Pale Face atevery Window. Just as the Parade passed the High School, the tallSmoke-Stack over at the Hominy Mills fell with a Loud Crash. 

That Afternoon there was a smell of Moth Balls in many a Refined Home, for all who had learned to take Soup from the side of the Spoon wereunder Royal Command to come up and get a private Peek at the importedGentry. 

It was to be a Dinner followed by a Small Dance. If it had been afull-sized Affair, no doubt Father would now be working by the Day. 

Instead of the customary 3 Carnations and 1 Maiden-Hair Fern gracingthe center of the Board, the terrified Guests saw a Wagon-Load oftropical Bloom which pleased them very much as soon as each hadsecreted a new kind of Cocktail, served in a Goblet, with a Stick ofDynamite substituted for the Olive. 

The Orchestra did a lot of those "Oh! Oh!" Rags, while strange Foodskept descending to the Table and a Special Corps of waiters tried togive an Imitation of the Johnstown Flood. 

Conversation became epidemic and many Local Characters who had remainedin Obscurity for Years came out of their Pods and began to hop aboutand sing in the Sunlight. 

Members of the Married Woman's Safety League were hanging out Signs ofDistress and trying to give Warning Signals, but Madeleine would notpermit them to crab her Little Party. She wanted to show the Boobsjust how these Recherche Functions are stage-managed in Upper Circles. 

Accordingly they all felt their Way to the Front Room, where they Foundawaiting them a Bowl of Artillery Punch about the size of Lake Erie, and no more Harm in a full Bumper than there is in a Rattle-Snake. 

Madeleine headed off a Two-Step and told Friends and Neighbors to sitback close to the Wall with a Piece of Ice in each Hand and get Wise tothe latest Stuff. 

The She and her Friends pinned up their Garments and put Resin on theirHands and cut loose. They did the Grizzly Bear and the Mountain Goatand the Turkey Trot and the Bunny Hug and the Kangaroo Flop and theDuck Waddle and the Giraffe Jump and the Rhinoceros Roll and the WalrusWiggle and the Crocodile Splash and the Apache and the Comanche and theBowery Twist and the Hula Hula Glide, etc. , etc. , etc. 

The Fire Department began carrying out Bodies at 12:30 A. M. . Some ofthe Survivors were hurrying Home through the Alleys, wondering if theycould fix up Alibis. At Daybreak many Prominent Citizens were foundMiles from their Homes wandering aimlessly in Roadways and shouting, "Take it away!"

Next afternoon the Male Parent of Madeleine crawled out from under theWreckage and said to his Only Daughter: "You are too Progressive forus Farmers. Take your Trained Troupe of Society Acrobats and get outof Town. The White Caps are now gathering in the Outskirts. "

Madeleine simply retorted that the Dances were being done in the mostExclusive Homes. 

An Exclusive Home is one from which the Police are Excluded. 

Of course she never dared to return to her Birthplace after thisScandalous Performance. 

She had to remain in the Cruel City as the free and unrestricted Wifeof a Cotillion Leader with an Income of $22. 00 a Minute. 

MORAL: The Pioneer must ever brave Hardships. 

EVERYBODY'S FRIEND AND THE LINE BUCKER

In a sequestered Dump lived two Urchins, Edgar and Rufus, who went tothe Post with about an equal Handicap. 

They got away together down the broad Avenue of Hope which leads oneLad over the hills and far away to the United States Senate Chamber andguides another unerringly to the Federal Pen near Leavenworth, Kansas. 

When Edgar was a Tootsey he received a frequent dusting with ExtremeViolet Talcum Powder. 

About the same time Rufus was propped up to look at Pictures ofNapoleon and John L. Sullivan and Sitting Bull. 

At School each was a trifle Dumb. 

If Edgar fell down on an Exam, his Relatives would call a Mass Meetingto express Regrets and hang Crape all over the Place. 

If Rufus got balled up in his Answers, his immediate Kin would pat himon the Back and tell him he was right and the Text-Book was wrong. 

Edgar would emerge from the Feathers every morning to find his Parentsall lined up to wish him a new set of Police Regulations. 

They held up the Rigid Forefinger and warned him that he was merely aGrain of Dust and a Weakling and a poor juvenile Mutt whose Mission inLife was to Lie Down and Behave. 

Rufus would be aroused each Sunrise by a full Military Band of 60Pieces playing "Hail to the Chief who in Triumph Advances. "

Whenever Edgar was forced into a Battle and came home smeared anddisarranged, his Mother would go to her Room and Cry softly and Fatherwould paint a vivid Word-Picture of a Wretch standing on the Gallowswith a Black Cap over his Head. 

Then Edgar would crawl to the Hay Mow and brood over his MoralInfirmities and try in a groping way to figure out his Relation toThings in General. 

But, when Rufus appeared all dripping with Gore, his Seconds would coolhim out and rub him with Witch Hazel and pin Medals on him. 

No wonder he became as pugnacious as U. S. Grant, as conceited as aSuccessful Business Man and as self-assured as a Chautauqua Lecturer. 

Every one disliked him intensely. But just the same, they stepped offinto the Mud and gave him the entire double width of the CementSidewalk. 

Edgar, on the other hand, was one of the most popular Door-Mats thatever had "Welcome" marked up and down his Spinal Column. 

All those who scratched Matches on him and used him as a CombinationHall-Tree and Hitching Post used to remark that he didn't have an Enemyin the World. 

They had corralled his Goat, so he had to play the Part himself. 

It had been dinged into him that True Politeness means to wait untilevery one else has been Served and then murmur a few Thanks for theLeavings. 

Besides, his Parents had convinced him that if he went Fishing hewouldn't get a Nibble, and if he climbed a Tree he would fall and breakhis Leg, and if he tried to manipulate more than Two Dollars at onetime, he would go Blind. 

Therefore, when both were in College, Rufus acted as plunging Half-Back, with Blue Smoke coming from his Nostrils, and achieved theundying Distinction of being singled out by Walter Camp. 

Edgar sat up on the Bleachers with 2, 000 other Mere Students and lent aquavering Tenor to a Song about Alma Mater. 

Even the Undergrads could not take the Tuck out of Rufus. 

He was fresher than Green Paint and his Work was Raw, but he was soResilient that no one could pin him to the Mat and keep him there. 

When a Boy has been told 877 times a Day for many Years that he is thePrincipal Feature of the Landscape, it takes more than an ordinaryDoctoring to Cure him. 

He left College thoroughly convinced that the World was his Oyster andhe had an Opener in every Pocket. 

He began grabbing Public Service Utilities by Strong-Arm methods, whereupon a lot of Uplifters became excited and wanted some one elseto head him off. 

He put things Across because when he tucked the Ball under his Arm andbegan to dig for the Goal of his Immediate Ambition all the Friends ofPublic Weal were scared Blue and retired behind the Ropes. 

Edgar took his Degree out into the Cold World and began to makeapologetic Inquiries regarding Humble Employment which would involveno Responsibilities. 

He became an Office Lawyer of the dull gray Variety with a specialAptitude for drawing up Leases and examining Abstracts. 

He could not face a Jury or fight a Case because the fond Parents hadput the Sign on him and robbed him of all his Gimp. 

But a Nice Fellow?

You know it. 

Any one who had a Book to sell, or a Petition to be signed, or a Notethat needed endorsing came dashing right into Edgar's Office and hailedhim as the Champion Patsy. 

Not one of these ever ventured into the Lair of the Street RailwayCzar, for he knew that Rufus might jump over the Mahogany Table andbite him in the Arm. 

Even Edgar, when he made a Business Call on Boyhood Friend and lovingClassmate, was permitted to wait in the Outer Room, resting his Hat onhis knees, and mingling on terms of Equality with the modish Typist andthe scornful Secretary. 

And when they went away to look at some Properties, Rufus took theStateroom while Edgar drew an Upper. 

Every one at the Club referred to Edgar as a Good Old Scout, but whenall the Push gathered at the Round Table and some one let fall the Nameof the High-Binder, they would open up on Rufus and Pan him to aWhisper. 

Then Rufus would enter in his Fur Coat, upsetting Furniture andServants as he swept through the Lounging Room. 

Immediately there would be an Epidemic of Goose Pimples and a Rush toshake hands with him. 

Rufus was sinfully Rich, but nevertheless Detestable, because hisFamily had drilled into him the low-down Habit of getting the Jumpon the Other Fellow. 

Edgar may live in a Rented House, but he will always have the inwardSatisfaction of knowing that he is a sweet and courteous Gentlemanwith Pink Underwear, and a Masonic Charm on his Watch Chain. 

When Edgar answers the Call, the Preacher will speak briefly from theText, "Blessed are the Meek. "

If the Death Angel succeeds in pulling down Rufus, the same Ministerwill find a suggestion for his Remarks in those inspiring Words, "Ihave fought the Good Fight. "

MORAL: The Scrapper is seldom beloved, but he gets a Run for his Ticket. 

THE THROUGH TRAIN

Two High School Heliotropes named Lib and Angie were very Thick. 

Each Girl kept a Nightie at the Other Girl's House and, long afterthey had retired, the Inmates would hear smothered Giggles, interspersed with Fragments of what He said to Her and what She said toHim. 

The Period of their Adolescence was about 20 years ago, when Romancewas still alive and Knighthood was in Flower around every DancingAcademy west of Pittsburgh. 

The two Chums had made a Pact. They were to be Friends for ever andever and ever and neither was to hold out anything from the other. 

Each carried in a Locket a Four-Leaf Clover presented by One to whomshe had bared her Soul. 

After supplementing the Graded Schools with a full course of Mrs. Southworth and learning to play "The Battle of Prague" on the Melodeon, naught remained for them in the way of passionate Diversion except togo ahead and get Married. 

They waited three years for the Fairy Prince of their Dreams to comeclattering down Main Street in his Coach all White and Gold, and thenbegan to mistrust the Schedule. So they effected the usual Compromise, falling gracefully into the awkward Embraces of two cornfed Lizardsnamed Otis and Wilbur. 

In the Shake-off it befell that Angie got Wilbur and Lib drew Otis. The two Brides were somewhat envied, as Wilbur was a Good-Looker withraven Pompadour and large snappy eyes, while Otis was supposed topossess the Faculty of copping the Mazume. 

However, the purpose of this Fable is to indicate that each Gal foundout too late that she had Dutched her Book and backed into the wrongPaddock. 

Fate separated the Young Couples and many a Full Moon deflated itselfbefore Lib and Angie had another chance to get away by themselves andfill up on Oolong and cautiously exhibit their Wounds. 

Wilbur was a Hustler who lacked Terminal Facilities. He was full ofSt. Vitus Activity and was always transferring a lot of Papers from onePocket to another and getting ready to invest Capital in someMegatherian Enterprise paying 20 per cent. Per Annum, but somehow henever Arrived. 

While negotiating for a Rubber Plantation in Yucatan he would hearabout Two Million Acres waiting to be Irrigated in Colorado, butbefore he could turn on the Water he would be lured away by theProspect of developing some Monte Carlo Proposition up in the MesabaRange. 

In the meantime he wore Celluloid Collars and owed for every roundSteak that he had carried home during the preceding Five Years. 

Otis, on the Other Hand, played nothing but Cinches. He was out forthe Pastry. It was not his Fault if the Widows and Orphans whoinvested on his Tips all wound up as Department Store Employees. 

He double-crossed his Partners and whip-sawed his Customers and bluffedthe Courts and bullied his way into the Strongholds of Finance. 

While the U. S. Grand Jury would be in Session, trying to get him withthe Goods, he would be motoring in Normandy and tossing Showers ofSilver to the Peasantry. 

Do not mistrust the Tale, for every Buccaneer from Broad Street, N. Y. , to the St. Francis Bar at the Golden Gate, was once a Poor Boy withStore Clothes on his Back and Grand Larceny in his Heart. 

When Angie went to visit Lib, after the Lapse of Many Years, you canGamble that they had Some Talk to unload. 

Angie carried a Wicker Suit-Case costing $1. 98 and her General Get-Upwas that of the Honest Creature who may be found in any Hotel Corridorat 2 A. M. Massaging the Mosaic Floor with a Hot Cloth. 

"Get me!" said Wilbur's wife, dropping wearily to a Divan in the Styleof Louis Quatorze. "Pipe the Lid! It is a 1906 Model and the Aigretteis made of Broom Straw. Take a Peek at the shine Tailor-Made and thePaper Shoes. Ever since they wished that False Alarm on to me I havebeen giving a correct Imitation of Lizzie the Honest Working Girl. Each Evening he comes home to give me a Sweet Kiss and promises me aTrip to Europe and a Set of Gray Squirrels, and next Morning, when Iget up to remove the Oatmeal from the Fireless Cooker, I find on theBack Porch a large Rough-neck in a Sweater who has come to shut off theGas or take away the Parlor Furniture. Then I think of You, with yourClosets hanging full of fluffy Frocks and your Man rushing in everyfew Minutes to slap you in the Face with a Hundred Dollar Bill. Youcan take it from me, Dearie, I would jump the whole Game were it notfor the Children. I have put in my whole Life trying to realizesomething on a Promissory Note that was a Bloomer to begin with. Hehas kidded me along ever since the World's Fair at Chicago, feeding meon Canned Stuff and showing me pictures of Electric Runabouts andCountry Places on Long Island. In the Meantime I am playing in GreatLuck if I can get a Trolley Car to Stop for me. "

At this point the Wife of Otis arose and, pulling the rose-coloredSilk Wrapper more closely about her made-to-order Form, interruptedwith an Imperious Gesture. 

"Back up, Angie!" she exclaimed. "You should be a Happy Woman. Youhave your Husband's Love and you have your Children, both of which aredenied a Woman of my Assured Position in the Two Minute Class of theTerrible Spenders. Talk about Hardships! Do you know what it is tolead the Grand March, surrounded by 800 Assegai-Throwers, Harpoonersand Cannibal Queens, who are pointing you out as the Wife of theMalefactor who is about to the Tried in the Federal Courts! Did youever Stagger around all Evening with $100, 000 worth of TiffanyMerchandise fastened on to you--expecting every Minute to be hit inthe Coiffure by some Raffles? Did you ever, during a Formal Dinner, hear the Door Bell tinkle and find in the Hallway a Reporter from aMorning Paper who wishes to ask your Husband if he denies his Guiltor can give any Reason why Sentence of Death should not be passed uponhim? Are you Wise to the Fact that the Wife of a Successful BusinessMan now occupies a Niche in the Hall of Fame right next to the Sisterof Jesse James? You are in Great Luck. No one takes a Shot at aFailure. "

Having arrived at this cordial Understanding, each leaned against theother and had a Good Cry, after which they chircked up and paid a lotof Attention to a well-preserved Bachelor who dropped in to get warmand take a slight Fall out of the Side-Board. 

MORAL: When Wealth walks in the Door, the Press Agent comes in throughthe Window. 

THE LONG AND LONESOME RIDE

One pleasant morning the President of the Society for Promoting theImportation of Scotch Merchandise awoke after a Balloon Voyage whichbegan 6 Feet below Sea Level in a Rathskeller and finished 2, 000 feetabove the Altitude recorded by Lincoln Beachey, the Man-Bird. 

When he Came To he discovered that the Pillow had climbed over on topof him and was trying to work the Half-Nelson, while a large Pile-Driver was beating a rhythmical Tattoo on the tender Bean. 

He had a Temperature of 102 and his Ears were hanging down. Also, during the Period of Coma some one had extracted the Eyes andsubstituted two hot Door-Knobs. 

After he had decanted a miniature Niagara on to the smoking Coppersand removed his Collar, he felt his way over to the window anddenounced in unmeasured Terms an English Sparrow that had perched onthe Sill, merely to annoy him. 

In a little while he remembered that he was a Resident of the Planetknown as Earth. Soon after that his Name came back to him and then herecalled his Boyhood and the Fact that when he passed the Parsonage thePresbyterian Minister would ask him to pick some of the Lilacs andSnowballs and take them home to his Sister Alice. 

From that Point he groped through his Life History up to the Twilighton which the Regulars had arranged a Send-Off for Old Buck, who waspulling out for Seattle. In order that Buck should remember them asTrue Friends, they had covertly planned to get him Saturated to theEye-Balls and then ship him on to his new Home, spread out inStateroom B, with long-stemmed Roses laid across the Remains. Thisform of homicidal Gayety is perpetuated under the name of AmericanHospitality. 

Our Hero remembered the polite Get-away on the Low Speed witheverybody Respectable, after which the Fountains started to gush andWaiters began to come up out of the Ground bearing Fairy Gifts of aLiquid Variety. Somewhat later in the Evening he found himselfbalanced on one Toe on a swiftly-moving Cloud, announcing to the Starsof Night that he was a True Sport. 

In other words, he realized, as he sat humped over in the Morris Chair, holding on to the Head, lest it should fall off and roll across thefloor, that he had been Snooted for Fair, Plastered, Ossified, Benzoated, Piped, Pickled, Spifficated, Corned, Raddled, Obfuscated, Soused and Ory-Eyed. 

Six hours before, he had stood on a Table and declared for theBrotherhood of Man, and now he craved but one Companion and that wasold Colonel R. E. Morse. 

Standing over in the Sunlight by the Window, where he could see theinnocent Shop-Girls going blithely to their $6 a week, he liftedthe trembling Right Mitt clear above his Head and then and theredeclared himself to be on the Cart until the great Celestial Bodiesshould skid in their Orbits and the Globe itself dissolve into Vapor. 

Just as he pronounced the Words, "nev-ER A-gen, " he felt a great Floodof worthy Resolutions arising in his new Moral Nature. He would buy aWinchester Automatic and devote the remainder of his wasted Life toshooting up Barkeeps. And when he died, the whole Estate would go tothe W. C. T. U. 

Just after he had double-strapped himself to the Wagon and started upSeltzer Avenue, he realized that an immediate Absinthe Frappe would beworth $15, 000 to him, but instead of ordering one, he resolved towrite Doc Wiley a Letter advising him that while he was putting theNixey Mark on that Green Magoo he should include all other Colorsbestowed upon the Essence of Tribulation. 

That afternoon the Survivors of the Midnight Massacre got together ata Club to compare Hang-Overs and find out what had happened after theRoof fell in. 

Our Hero appeared just as the Boy was getting ready to throw a LifeLine. He was greeted with a ribald Shout and told to come running andSave Himself. 

The Moment had arrived for him to be a Man. Surrounded by Ice andSquirters and Mixing Spoons and Orange Peel and Jiggers and Jaggers, he drew himself together and made the Announcement. 

For a Moment they were stunned by the Impact and then every Son ofPeoria leaned back and let out a Yowl. To think that a real up-to-dateFellow would pull any of that Old Stuff! A puny Mortal trying to geta Toe-Hold on the Demon!

They told him to forget it and quit his Spoofing and remove hisOvershoes and ease a couple of Gills into his Reservoir and try to bea Human Being, however painful the Effort. 

He came back with a few Gems from the Family Medicine Book about theEffect of the Accursed Stuff on various Organs. He did not propose tofeed himself anything that would cut the Varnish off of Wood-Work. TheHard Stuff had passed out of his Life. 

The Cackles died away and were succeeded by looks of Blank Dismay. They saw that one whom they had long regarded as a reliable bench-working Union Lush had turned in his Card and deliberately made himselfan Outcast. 

They saw him order Vichy and go to it as if it were a Beverage, andthen they tore up his Credentials and burned his Photograph and toldhim to go out to a 3-days Cure and take a Hypodermic of Hot Mush. 

He sat back and pulled the Grim Smile which Savanarola wore when theypiled the Fagots around him. He was a Martyr and proud of his Job. Bythe same Token there is no Brand of Rectitude that grades so pure andspotless as that exhibited by the disinfected Dove who has not toucheda Drop for nearly 24 hours. 

They saw him go home with a Magazine under his Arm, and then they sataround until all Hours, lapping it up and progging his Finish. Theysaid he never would last a Week, and when the Fell it would be SomeSplash. 

They began to issue daily Bulletins and watched the Case with muchAnxiety because they really liked the Old Scout in spite of hisEccentricities. When they learned, at the End of a Week, that he hadplayed Buttermilk to a Standstill all up and down the Quick LunchCircuit and was at his Desk every Morning with his Face clean and aFlower in his Coat, they called a Meeting of the Vigilantes and decidedthat the Joke had been carried far enough. 

In the meantime, Our Hero had learned two new kinds of Solitaire andbegan to call around for a Dish of Tea with some distant FemaleRelatives who had long supposed him Dead. Along about the CocktailHour he would find himself sitting first in one Chair and then inanother, but he Cashed big every Morning when he awoke and found thatHenry Katzenjammer was not sitting on the Foot-Board making Faces athim. 

Only, sometimes he would stop on a Corner and look all about him and upat the Buildings and wonder if the Town had always been as Quiet as atPresent. 

After he had stuck for a Fortnight, the desperate Envoys from theIndian Camp went after him for Keeps. They held it in front of him andsplashed it on his Clothes and begged him to step aboard with them andgo right up to the 18th Floor. 

Probably if they had let him alone he would have come sneaking backinto the Reservation to watch the red Whirligigs and pick a few ofthose Night-Blooming Martinis, but when they tried to Stampede him, the old New England Stock asserted itself; so he substituted Rivetsfor Straps. 

He is now the honored Associate of those who play Cribbage in theirown Homes and eat Apples before turning in. But if you want to get aLine on his Real Character, just ask the Wet Brothers. They will tellyou that he wasn't there with the Strength of Character, so he simplysank out of sight. 

MORAL: The Way of the Ex-Transgressor is Hard. 

OUT OF CLASS B INTO THE KING ROW

Once there was a side street Quartet consisting of Papa and Mamma andGordon and Ethel. 

The ostensible Stroke Oar of this Domestic Combination was a Graduateof one of those Towns in which the Occidental Hotel faces the Depot andall Trains are met by a Popular Drayman wearing a Black Sweater. 

When he elbowed his Way into the City, years before, his Assetsconsisted of a Paper Valise, a few home-laundered Garments and a smallVolume telling how to win at Cards. 

In the refined Home where he obtained his Liver and Macaroni paved withCheese, he met the daughter of the Household. When there was a Rushshe would sometimes put on all of her Rings and help wait on the Table, although her Star Specialty was to get the Stool at the right Elevationand tear the Vital Organs out of "Pansy Blossom" and "White Wings. "

The young Shipping Clerk used to fly to his Kennel and get himself allGussied up and then edge into the Parlor and turn the Music for MissLivingstone, who looked to him like Lily Langtry and sounded likeAdelina Patti. 

They went to Housekeeping in a stingy Flat with a Bed that could bestood on End during the Daytime and made to resemble a Book-Case, alsoa Plaster-of-Paris Lion on the Mantel. 

About the time Gordon was first tethered on the Fire-Escape, theProvider got a Taste of Soft Collateral and began to wear GoldBracelets on his Cigars. 

When Ethel was large enough to take into the Park, the Graft haddeveloped until the whole Outfit moved to an Apartment where Goods hadto be delivered in the Rear. Mother began to use Hacks which werenot numbered. 

So they went along for Years, riding on L Trains, calling up theJanitor to ask for more Heat, trying to find a good Maid, andexperimenting with new Cereals, all of these Romantic Adventurescombining to make what is known as City Life. 

They were simply four scrambling Units in the Great Ant-Hill; fourtiny Tadpoles in the great Schools that wiggled up and down the mainThoroughfares. It seemed that their only Chance to make an Impressionon the huge and callous City was to die and then hold up a line ofStreet Cars while the Hearse and the five Carriages moved slowly inthe direction of Calvary. 

But Destiny had them spotted. 

Father was very busy trying to run a Shoe String up to a National Bank. He would rush into his Office and open the Desk and push Buttons andsend Hurry-Up Wires and dictate Letters to trembling Myrtle with theSmall Waist and keep People waiting outside, just like the Whales whocontrol the Sugar Trust. 

He had a Front like the new Pennsylvania Station and the soft PersonalAttributes of a Numidian Lion. 

When he was sued in the Courts by a Victim who wanted a final look athis Money, the Reporters came around and he was so stiff-necked anddefiant that all of them referred to him as the Millionaire Promoter. 

It was easier to be this kind of a Millionaire than stand for a Search. Every Office Building is coagulated with Millionaires who never will beCaught until the Tin Box is opened in the Probate Court. Then theWidow will get ready to take Boarders. 

As soon as Father was bawled out as a Millionaire, it was up to Motherto join a new kind of Club and have a Handle put on her Eye-Glasses. She would practise in her room for Hours at a time, gripping theRocking Chair with both Hands and trying to get the real Bostoniansound of "A" as in Lard. 

Her efforts were not in Vain, for one Day when the Club Meeting brokeup, with the Lady President throwing Fits and a Copper guarding theBallot Box, the principal Insurgent was mentioned in the Public Printsas a Popular Society Matron and Leader in the New Movement among Women. They had to call her that or the Story of her shooting the Ink-Standat the Recording Secretary would not have been worth playing up on theFirst Page. 

It was a proud Morning for Gordon and Ethel when they saw all thePictures and learned that they were the immediate Descendants of theMillionaire Promoter and the Popular Society Matron. 

Gordon found himself endowed with a Social Status which enabled him, atthe Age of 23, to gain admission to an exclusive Club of 3, 000 Members, the object of which was to serve a 40-cent Table d'Hote every Noon toas many as were willing to take a Chance. 

Therefore, when he was yanked out of his 6-cylinder Car and stood upbefore the Magistrate, charged with smearing up the Boulevard with theWorking Classes, the whole Reading Public was thrilled to hear of whathad happened to a Well-Known Clubman whose Father was a MillionairePromoter and whose Mother was a Popular Society Matron. 

By this time Ethel was merely a Relation. 

She had not come across in any Particular. 

As a matter of Fact, she was not pulling down any Ribbons at BeautyShows, and toed in when she walked. 

However, she was not discouraged. She eloped with a Chauffeur employedin an 8-car Garage and next Day she was a Beautiful Heiress whoseBrother was a Well-Known Man about Town, the Mother being veryprominent in Club Work and remembered as the Wife of the MillionairePromoter. 

After all this came out, Father still had between $3, 000 and $4, 000 andthe whole Family, including the Chauffeur, sat down to Prunes everyMorning. 

But they were very Happy, for they were recognized in almost every Cafeand their Relatives in the East were sending Christmas Cards. 

MORAL: Some achieve Greatness and others have it Rubbed in. 

THE BOY WHO WAS TOLD

Once there was a Boy who had been told twice a Day ever since he couldremember that if he started to go into one of those Doggeries withswinging Doors in front and Mirrors along the Side, a Blue Flame wouldshoot out and burn him to a Cinder. 

Also he had been warned that every Playing Card in the whole Deck was aComplimentary Ticket admitting one to a Hot Griddle in the MainParquette of the Fiery Furnace. 

And every little Paper Cigar was another Spike in the Burial Casket. 

With seven or eight Guardians trailing him Day and Night to keep himaway from the Lures of the Wicked World it looked like a Pipe that hewould grow up to be the Dean of a Theological Seminary. 

Across the Street lived a poor unfortunate Lad whose Father was makingthe Futile Endeavor to take it away faster than the Revenue Officerscould put Stamps on it. He was the original Blotter. When they weretrying to pry him away from it, he would take a chance on anything fromArnica to Extract of Vanilla. 

According to all the Laws of Heredity the only Son was cast for thePart of Joe Morgan. 

He is now the Head of a Mail-Order House. When he sees a Corkscrew hepulls his Hat firmly over his Ears and runs a Mile. 

The Graduate of the Lecture Bureau may be found in a swagger Club anyevening with a Bourbon H. B. At his Right, a stack of Student Lamps athis Left and Two Small Pair pressed closely against his Bosom. 

MORAL: The Modern Ambition seems to be to vary the Program. 

THE NIGHT GIVEN OVER TO REVELRY

All those who had Done Time at a certain endowed Institution forshaping and polishing Highbrows had to close in once a Year for aBanquet. They called it a Banquet because it would have been a Joketo call it a Dinner. 

The Invitations looked like real Type-Writing and called upon all theLoyal Sons of Old Bohunkus to dig up 3 Sesterces and get ready for aBig Night. 

To insure a Riot of spontaneous Gaiety the following Organization waseffected:

Committee on Invitation. Committee on Reception. Committee on Lights and Music. Committee on Speakers. Committee on Decorations. Committee on Police Protection. Committee on First Aid to Injured. Committee on Maynew. Committee on Liquid Nourishment. 

Each Committee held numerous Meetings, at the Call of the Chairman, anddiscussed the impeding Festivities with that solemn regard for pifflingDetail which marked the Peace Conference at The Hague. 

The Frolic was to be perpetrated at a Hotel famous for the number ofElectric Lights. 

The Hour was to be 6:30, Sharp, so that by 6:45, four old Grads, withvariegated Belshazzars, were massed together in the Egyptian Roomtrying to fix the Date upon which Doctor Milo Lobsquosset becameEmeritus Professor of Saracenic Phlobotomy. 

Along about 7:30, a Sub-Committee wearing Satin Badges was sentdownstairs to round up some recent Alumni who were trying to get aRunning Start, and at 7:45 a second Detachment was sent out to findthe Rescue Party. 

Finally at 8 o'clock the glad Throng moved into the Main Banquet Hall, which was a snug Apartment about the size of the Mammoth Cave ofKentucky, done in Gold and various shades of Pink, to approximate theChambermaid's Dream of Paradise. The style of Ornamentation was thatwhich precipitated the French Revolution. 

Beside each Plate was a blond Decoction named in honor of the MartiniRifle, which is guaranteed to kill at a Distance of 2, 000 Yards. Thecompounding had been done in a Churn early that morning and theTemperature was that of the Room, in compliance with the Dictates ofFashion. 

Those who partook of the Hemlock were given Courage to battle with theOysters. These came in Sextettes, wearing a slight Ptomaine Pallor. On the 20th Proximo they had said good-bye to their Friends inBaltimore and for Hours they had been lying naked and choked withthirst in their little Canoes and now they were to enter the greatUnknown, without pity from the Votaries of Pleasure. 

Luckily the Consomme was not hot enough to scald the Thumbs of thejovial Stevedores who had been brought in as Extras, so the Feastproceeded merrily, many of the Participants devoting their spareMoments to bobbing for Olives or pulling the Twine out of the Celery. 

The Fish had a French Name, having been in the Cold Storage Bastilefor so long. Each Portion wore a heavy Suit of Armor, was surroundedby Library Paste and served as a Tee for two Golf Balls billed asPommes de Terre. 

It was a regular Ban-quet, so, there was not getting away from Filetde Biff aux Champignons. It was brought on merely to show what anAmerican Cook with a Lumber-Camp Training could do to a plain slice ofSteer after reading a Book written by a Chef. 

Next, in accordance with honored Traditions, a half-melted Snowballimpregnated with Eau de Quinine. 

Just about the time that the White Vinegar gave way to the Aniline Dye, a nut headed Swozzie, who could get into Matteawan without Credentials, moved down the Line of Distinguished Guests asking for Autographs. His Example was followed by 150 other Shropshires, so that for the next30 Minutes the Festal Chamber resembled the Auditing Department of alarge Mercantile Establishment. 

During this Period, the Department of Geology in the University washonored by the appearance of a genuine petrified Quail. And the HeadLettuce carried the Personal Guarantee of the Goodyear Rubber Co. 

Between the Rainbow Ice Cream and the Calcareous Fromage, a member ofthe class of '08, who could not Sing, arose and did so. 

Then each Guest had to take a Tablespoonful of Cafe Noir and twoCigars selected by a former Student who had promised his Mother neverto use Tobacco. 

It was now 10 o'clock and time to go Home. Those who had started totune up along in the Afternoon were dying on the Vine. Others, whohad tried to catch even on the $3 Ticket, felt as if they had beenloaded with Pig Iron. Up at the Long Table enough Speakers to supply aChautauqua Circuit were feeling of themselves to make sure that theManuscript had not been lost. Each thought that he was the Orator ofthe Evening. 

The Committee had put on the Toast Program every one who might possiblytake Offense at not being Asked. 

Also they had selected as Toastmaster a beaming Broncho whose VocalChords were made of seasoned Moose-Hide and who remembered all theblack-face Gravy that Billy Rice used to lam across to Lew Benedictwhen Niblo's Garden was first opened. 

After every 30-minute Address he would spend ten minutes in politekidding of the Last Speaker and then another 10 Minutes in climbinga Mountain Height from which to present the Next Speaker. 

Along about Midnight the Cowards and Quitters began crawling out ofSide Doors, but most of the Loyal Sons of Old Bohunkus proppedthemselves up and tried to be Game. 

Before 1 o'clock a Member of the Faculty put them on the Ropes with40 Minutes on projected Changes in the Curriculum. 

At 1:30 the Toastmaster was making Speech No. 8 and getting ready tospring the Oldest Living Graduate. 

Protected by all the Gray Hair that was left to him, he began toReminisce, going back to the Days when it was considered a Great Larkto put a Cow in the Chapel. 

The Toastmaster arrived home at 3 A. M. And aroused his Wife to tellher that it had been a Great Success. 

MORAL: If they were paid $3 a Head to stand for it, no one would attend. 

HE SHOULD HAVE OVERSLEPT

One Morning a Precinct Parasite owing Allegiance to a Political Partyof Progressive Principles went around to the dinge office of a FuelSupply Co. To pull off the customary Fake Primary. 

He was met at the Door by a broad-faced Lady of benevolent Mien andblack Ribbons on her Nose-Glasses, who told him to use the Mat andnot track up the Place. 

"What is the Idea?" asked the alcoholic Henchman, looking vainlyabout for Bottle-Nose Curley, Mike the Pike, and Smitty the Dip, whoalways had been his Associates in the sacred Task of registering theWill of the People. 

Instead of the old familiar strong-arm Phalanx, he saw a Bevy of plumpJoans who were hanging Chintz Curtains, arranging a neat design ofSweet Peas around the Ballot Box and getting ready to fire up aSamovar. When he glanced into the Polling Booth and saw that it wasdraped with Doilies he nearly had a Hemorrhage. 

"This is the Glad Day you have heard so much about, " replied LauraChivington Cadbury, displaying her dainty Badge, which showed that shewas a Judge. "You will be expected to wear Gray Gloves with a MorningCoat and put a Carnation in your Lapel. As the Voters arrive, youwill softly inquire their Names and lead them along the Receiving Lineand make sure that each is given either a Macaroon or an Olive. "

That evening when they sorted the Votes, and decided to throw out allthat were Soiled or folded Improperly, he was over in a corner makingout a list of Guests for the waiting Reporters. 

MORAL: Equal Suffrage will have a demoralizing Effect upon one of theprincipal Sexes. 

THE DANCING MAN

Once there was a Porch Rat, who was also a Parlor Snake and a HammockHellion. He worked the popular Free Lunch Routes for thirty yearsbefore deciding to hook up and begin paying for his own Food and Drink. 

When he started flitting from Bud to Debutante to Ingenue to Fawn toBroiler to Kiddykadee back in 1880, he was a famous Beau with skin-tight Trousers, a white Puff Tie run through a Gold Ring and a Hatlined with Puff Satin, the same as a Child's Coffin. 

In 1890 he was parting his Hair in the Middle, in imitation of a goodBird Dog, and had been promoted to the Veteran Corps of the iron-leggedDancing Men and the insatiable Diners-Out. He would eat on his Friendsabout six Nights in each Week, and repay them every Christmas bysending a Card showing a Frozen Stream in the Foreground, and EvergeenTrees beyond. 

In 1900 he was beginning to sit out some Numbers. Also, when he gotinto his Evening Togs, his general Contour suggested that possibly hehad just swallowed a full-sized Watermelon without slicing it up. Buthe was still Johnny-answer-the-bell when it came to Dancing Parties. 

In 1910 he carried a little Balloon under each Eye and walked as if hehad Gravel in his Shoes. He was still trying to be Game, although hehad a different kind of Digestive Tablet in each Pocket and wouldrather tackle Bridge than the Barn Dance. 

The Path was becoming Lonely and the whispering Tress seemed tall andforbidding. He decided to whistle for a Companion. The Dear Girlshad been dogging him for three Decades and he decided to let one ofthem have her Wish at last. 

He hunted up one aged 24 and broke the Glad News to her and she toldhim not to rattle his Crutches over the Mosaic Floor as he went out theFront Way. 

He is now living at a Club organized as a Home for Men who have GoneWrong. 

When he pushes the Button the Bell Hops match to see who will be Stuck. 

MORAL: There is an Age Limit, even for Men. 

THE COLLISION

Once in the dim dead Days beyond Recall, there lived a blue-eyed Gazooknamed Steve. 

We refer to the Period preceding the Uplift, when the Candidate wearingthe largest collar was the People's Choice for Alderman. 

A Good Citizen wishing to open a Murder Parlor needed a couple of BlackBottles, a Barrel of Sawdust and a Pull at the City Hall. 

When he opened up, he threw the Key in the River and arranged to havethe Bodies taken out through the Alley so as not to impede Traffic inthe Main Thoroughfares. 

Twelve months every Year marked the Open Season for every Game fromPitch-and-Toss to Manslaughter. 

Any one in search of Diversion could roll Kelly Pool at 10 Cents a Cuein the Morning, go to the Track in the Afternoon, take in a 20-roundScrap in the Evening and then Shoot at the Wheel a few times beforebacking into the Flax. 

The Police were instructed to make sure that all Push-Cart Peddlerswere properly Licensed. 

Steve roamed the Wide-Open Town and spread his Bets both ways from theJack. 

When he cut the String and began to back his Judgment he knew no Limitexcept the Milky Way. Any time he rolled them, you could hearconsiderable Rumble. 

All the Bookies, Barkeeps, Bruisers, and the Boys sitting on theMoonlight Rattlers knew him by his First Name and had him tagged as aProducer and a Helva Nice Fellow. 

Steve heard vague Rumors that certain Stiffs who hurried home beforeMidnight and wore White Mufflers, were trying to put the Town on theFritz and Can all the Live Ones, but he did not dream that a Mug whowent around in Goloshes and drank Root Beer could put anything acrosswith the Main Swivel over at the Hall. 

O, the Rude Awakening!

One day he was in a Pool Room working on the Form Sheet with about 150other Students and getting ready to back Sazerack off the Boards in theThird at Guttenberg, when some Blue Wagons backed up and Steve told theDesk Sergeant, a few Minutes later, that his Name was Andrew Jackson. 

Next Day he had a Wire from a Trainer but when he went to the oldfamiliar Joint, the Plain Clothes Men gave him the Sign to Beat it andhe turned away, throbbing with Indignation. 

The down-town Books were being raided but the Angoras kept on gallopingat the Track, so he rode out on the Train every day in order topreserve his Rights as a free-born American. 

One Day just as he was Peeling from his Roll in front of the KentuckyClub, in order to grab Gertie Glue at 8 to 5, Lightning struck thePaddock and laid out the entire Works. 

When the Touts and the Sheet-Writers and the Sure-Thingers came to andbegan to ask Questions, it was discovered that the Yap Legislature hadkilled the Racing Game and ordered all the Regulars to go to Work. 

Steve went back to Town in a dazed Condition to hunt up the Gang andfind out what could be done to put out the Fire. 

When he arrived at the Hang-Out there was a Flag at Half-Mast. TheRoost had been nailed up for keeping open after Eleven o'Clock!

A few Evenings after that he sauntered up to a large Frame Building tolook at a couple of Boys who had promised to make 135 Ringside. 

A Cannon was planted at the Main Chute and the Street was filled withDepartment Store Employees disguised as Soldiers. 

Nothing doing. 

The Governor had called out the Militia in order to prevent a Blotbeing put upon the Fair Name of the Commonwealth. 

With the Selling-Platers turned out to Pasture, the Brace-Box and thePinch Wheel lying in the Basement at Central Station, the Pugs goingback to the Foundry and all the Street Lamps being taken in atMidnight, no wonder Steve was hard pushed to find Innocent Amusement. 

He started to hang around a Broker's Office but it was no Fun to beton a Turn-Up when you couldn't watch the Shuffle. Besides, the Gamewas Cold and was being fiercely denounced by the Press. 

For a Time he kept warm in a Bowling Alley. Drive a Man into a Cornerand goad him to Desperation and he will go so far as to Bowl, providedthat he lives in a German Neighborhood. 

One Evening he went down to see the Walhallas go against the Schwabens, but the Place was Dark. 

The Authorities had interfered. 

It seemed that the Manufacture of Bowling Balls involved theDestruction of the Hardwood Forests, while the Game itself overtaxedcertain Important Muscles ending with "alis, " at the same timeencouraging Profanity and the use of 5-cent Cigars. 

Steve had one Stand-By left to him. He could prop himself up on theBleachers with a bag of lubricated Pop-Corn between his Knees and hurlinsulting Remarks at Honus Wagner, Joe Tinker and Ty Cobb. 

When he crawled up in the 50-cent Seats he found the same old Bunchthat used to answer Roll Call at the Pool Room, the Sharkey Club, and the Betting Ring. 

The Law had made them Decent Citizens, but it hadn't made them anyeasier to look at. 

Steve longed for the Ponies and the good old Prelims between the TrialHorses, with Blood dripping from the Ropes, but when he picked up thePink Sporting Page in the Morning, all he could find was that theSacred Heart Academy has wrested the Basket-Ball Trophy away from theWest Division High School. 

Base Ball is only Near-Sport to one who has whanged the Wise Ikes thatmark up the Odds. Steve went to it because there was nothing else onthe Cards. 

One Day he found every entrance to the Park guarded by a Blue Burly andthe Crowds being turned away. 

The Health Department had put in a Knock on the Game, on the Groundthat the Ball, after being handled by various Players and passed fromone to the other, carried with it dangerous Microbes. 

The Officials insisted that, after every Play, the Ball should betreated with an Antiseptic or else that each Player should have anIndividual Ball and allow no one else to touch it. 

The Society for the Protection of the Young had put up a Howl becausethe Game diverted the Attention of Urchins from their Work in thePublic Schools and tended to encourage Mendacity among Office Boys. 

The Concatenated Order of High-Brows had represented to the properAuthorities that, as a result of widespread Interest in thedemoralizing Pastime, ordinary Conversation on the tail-end of aTrolley Car was becoming unintelligible to University Graduates, andthe Reports in the Daily Press had passed beyond the Ken of a mereStudent of the English Language. 

The Medical Society certified that eight out of ten Men had shatteredtheir Nervous Systems, split their Vocal Cords and developed MoralAstigmatism, all because of the Paroxysms resulting from PartisanFervor. Either build an Asylum in every Block or else liberate thepresent Inmates of all the Nut-Colleges. It was not fair to keep theQuiet Ones locked up while the raving Bugs were admitted to the GrandStand every Afternoon. 

Under the Circumstances, a purely Paternal Administration could do onlyOne Thing. It put Base Ball out of Business. 

On the very next Afternoon the unquenchable demand for Sport asserteditself. 

Steve went into the Back Yard with his eldest Son and looked aboutcautiously. 

"Is the Look-Out stationed on the Fence?" he asked. 

"He is. "

"Is the Garden Gate securely locked?"

"It is. "

"Are the Mallets properly muffled?"

"They are. "

"Then t'hell with the Law! We'll have a Game of Croquet. "

MORAL: If it is in the Blood, the only Remedy is the substitution ofIced Tea. 

HOW ALBERT SAT IN

Once upon a Time there was a Bright Young Lawyer of ordinary Good Looksand Modest Bank Account who regarded the so-called Smart Set withscorching Contempt. 

Our Hero, whose name was Albert, refused to fall for the Parlor Game. 

Now there resided in this Town a certain High Priestess of the SociallyElect and a Queen Bee of the Cotillion Tribe. Whatever she said, Went. No one could lay claim to any Class in this Town until he had seatedhimself at one of her Dinners, with the $28, 000 Gold Service in frontof him, and dissected a French Artichoke right down to the Foundation. 

One Evening while Albert was burning up the Local Aristocracy he madethe Crack that, if he wanted to go in for such Tommy-rot, he could beDining with the aforesaid Dowager Duchess within a Year. His Friendshooted at the Suggestion and the Outcome of the Controversy was aWager. Albert was to storm the Citadel and land inside before theExpiration of Twelve Months or else blow the whole Gang to a high-priced Feed. 

Next Sunday he began to take Part in the High Church Ceremonies andwait on the Steps to make a Fuss over the Women whose Names appearedon the List of Patronesses. 

He ignored the Buds and Debutantes and worked overtime to Solidifyhimself with the Matrons. 

Whenever there was anything Doing that required the Services of aHand-Shaker or Errand Boy he was right there with the Dark Cutawayand a fresh Gardenia. 

In a Month he had a Foothold and was serving on Committees withColonial Dames and Relatives of the American Revolution. 

He was Dependable. Any time an Extra Man was needed he came burstingin with Kind Words for all the Elderly People. He made Party Callsand left his Card and told the Secrets of his Heart to Women whowere old enough to Understand. 

Consequently he had eighteen or twenty Boosters working for him. 

At the end of Six Months he was a Regular at some of the Best Homes andwas beginning to send Regrets to those below Class A. 

Looking down from his Serene Elevation he realized that he had made aMistake in camping so long in the Valley. 

When the Year was up he was acting as Volunteer Secretary andWhispering Soothsayer to the Queen Bee and had won his Bet by a Mile. 

His Former Associates stood ready to make Good on the Food, but, whenthey asked him to name an Evening, he looked them over and could notfind them entered in the Blue Book, so he turned them down cold andpulled the Old One about a Previous Engagement. 

MORAL: One never can tell from the Sidewalk just what the View is tosome one on the Inside, looking out. 

THE TREASURE IN THE STRONG BOX

Once there was a Hireling at the tail-end of a Pay Roll who longed toget a Chunk of Money so that he could own a House and pick out his ownWall-Paper. 

He read an Ad in a Religious Weekly. It said to Hurry and get a Sliceof the Bullkon Mining Company because on July 1st the Price would bewhooped from $1 a Share to $2. 75. The Guggenheims wanted it but theDirectors preferred to slip it to the American People. 

The Property was right up against some other Property so rich that theWorkmen engaged in lifting out the Precious Metal had to wear Gogglesto keep from being blinded. 

The Man fell for it. He rushed to the Savings Bank and drew his Wadand sent it to a Man with several Chins, who had to sit at a Desk fornearly an hour each Day taking Money out of Envelopes. 

The Stockholder received a Certificate. It had at the Top an Engravingof a Lady spilling Golden Nuggets out of a Cornucopia and below was aSeal and the Signatures of all the Officers of the Company. Any onestanding off ten Feet from this Certificate couldn't have told it froma 1915 Bond of the Pennsylvania Company. 

Every Week the Stockholder found in his Mail a Report from the Expertin charge of Shaft No. 13 in the Skiddykadoo Fields showing that theAssay ran $42. 16 and the Main Lateral had been opened as far as theMezzanine Drift, which meant that the $1 Shares would be selling around$85 before the Holidays. 

Whereupon he would pinch out some of the Money about to be fritteredaway on Dress Goods and Cereals and send it to J. Etherington Cuticle, Promoter, who was thus enabled to have a new Collar put on his FurCoat. 

In course of Time the incipient Monte Cristo had a Bale ofCertificates. He could borrow a Pencil and figure out, in a fewMinutes, that when the Stock went to Par (as per Prospectus) he wouldland a few feet behind Hetty Green and somewhat in advance of theFirst National Bank. 

While he was waiting for Dame Fortune, with the Sheet wrapped aroundher, to begin rolling it out of the Cornucopia, as advertised on theOne-Sheets, he inadvertently up and died. 

The Administrator and the Brother-in-Law went over the stuff at theSafety Deposit. They checked all the Items from the outlawed Notedown to the Delinquent Tax Notice and then advised the Widow to pickout a nice lucrative Position in a Hand Laundry. 

Two Years passed by. The Family was now living in Comfort. Down in aBureau Drawer, with the Dance Programs and the High School Diplomas, reposed the Stock Certificates of the Bullkon Gold and Silver Miningand Development Company, Inc. 

The Widow had been tempted to use them on the Shelves, but every timeshe looked at the Litho of the Benevolent Female dumping the $20 GoldPieces out of the Cornucopia, and saw the Seal, and alongside of it themajestic Signature of J. Etherington Cuticle, and noted that the totalFace Value was $80, 000, she would replace the Elastic and decide to Wait. 

One day a soft-spoken Gentleman met her as she returned from her DailyToil and said that a Syndicate was about to take over all the Holdingsof the Bullkon G. And S. M. And D. Co. , Inc. , and stood ready topurchase her Stock. 

With trembling Hands she undid the Bundle. It took a long time to makethe Count but when he got it all straightened out and figured up, helooked her straight in the Eye and said: "It comes out to One Dollarand Eighty-Two Cents. "

MORAL: Fiction is stranger than Truth. 

THE OLD-FASHIONED PROSECUTOR

One morning a great Judge, who had been promoted to the Bench becausehe could not connect as a Lawyer, climbed up on his Perch and directedthe Lord High Sheriff to feed him a few Defendants. 

"We have rounded up a tough bunch of Ginks, " said the Attorney for theCommonwealth. "I shall ask your Honor to Soak them good and proper. "

The first to be led in was a grinning Imp with a wide Mouth, largeFreckles and flapping Ears. 

It was proven that he stuck Pins into his Grandmother and blew upElderly Gentlemen with Cannon Crackers and set fire to Houses and wasa hard Nut in general. The Prosecutor suggested a Dungeon with Breadand Water. 

Up spoke the Prisoner as follows: "I defy you to lay a Hand on me. Iam the Stand-By of the Comic Artist and the Star Attraction of theColored Supplement. When I pull the Step-Ladder from under someHonest Workingman, causing him to break his Leg, or hit a Stout Lady inthe Eye with a Brick, please remember that I am bringing Sunshine intothousands of Homes. As I go on my way, committing Arson, Mayhem, andAssault, with Intent to Kill, I am greeted by Peals of ChildishLaughter. When you put me out of Business, you will be handing theCirculation an awful Wallop. I am not a Criminal; I am an Institution. "

"I remember you very well, " said the Judge. "You are my Excuse forbuying the Paper. While the Kids are busy with you, I look up PackeyMcFarland and One-Round Hogan. "

Just as the Celebrated Juvenile hit the Fresh Air the second Defendantcame into The Dock, taking long sneaky Strides and undulating like aRoller Coaster. She was a tall Gal and very Pale, with BelladonnaOptics and her Hair shook out and a fine rhythmical Bellows Movementabove the Belt Line. 

"She is a raving Beetle, " explained the Prosecutor. "She wants to goout doors every Night and count the Moon and pull some of that shineMagazine Poetry. Every time she sees anybody named Eric or Geoffreyshe does a Swoon, accompanied by the customary Low Cry, and later on, in her own Boudoir, which is Richly Furnished, she bursts into aTorrent of Weeping. If you start her on a Conversation about GriddleCakes she will wind up by giving a Diagnosis of Soul-Hunger. She isa Candidate for Padded Cell No. 1 in the big Foolish House. If shecontinues at Large she may accidentally marry some poor misguidedClarence, and then, if there are any Children, the Neighbors willhave to take care of them. "

"Do you not recognize me?" asked the Prisoner in low musical Tones, fixing a passionate Gaze on the Court. "I am the Heroine of a BestSeller. If I did not have these large Porcelain Orbs and the Bosomheaving in Rag Time and the Hair swirling in Glorious Profusion, do yousuppose that a Member of the Upsilon Pajama Sorority would sit upuntil 1 A. M. With Me and a Bottle of Queen Olives and a Box of Chocs?If I made up like an ordinary Sadie and talked Straight Stuff, do youthink I could last through Ten Editions? I may not be Human, but Ican raise the Temperature of every Flathead from Bangor to San Antone. "

"You are dead right, " said the Court. "We couldn't keep house withoutyou. "

So she proceeded to exit, sneeringly, her Garments rustling and a faintAroma of Violets lingering in her Wake, just as it does in the Red Bookthat sells for $1. 50. 

The next Prisoner was a big handsome Buck with his Clothes recentlypressed and many Gloves. 

"I want a Life Sentence for this Guy, " said the learned Prosecutor. "He is so crooked that a Straight Edge would cut him in a thousandplaces. He would bite an Ear-Ring off of a Debutante or blow open aFamily Vault to unscrew the Handles from the Casket containing Father. He promotes phoney Corporations and sells Florida Orange Groves thathave Crocodiles swimming around on top of them. He is a prize Bunk, a two-handed Grafter, a Short-Change Artist and a Broadway Wolf. Sliphim the Limit. "

"You've got me wrong, Steve, " said the Prisoner, softly. "I used to bea Depraved Character, but now I am the Big Hero. Under the revisedCode of Morals a Handy Boy who goes out and trims a Boob for everythingin his Kick becomes recognized as a Comedy Hit and every Seat on theLower Floor goes for two Bones. Instead of doing a Lock-Step to andfrom the Broom Factory, I work up to a Dress Suit Finish and marry theSwell Dame. And the Mob is with me. If it came to a Straw Votebetween me and Lyman Abbott, I would win by a City Block. "

"The Gentleman speaks the Truth, " said the Court. "In this Fair Landwe forgive a Man anything if his Work has Class. Instead of committingyou to the Pen, I shall arrange to spend the Evening with you. "

The next was a tall snaky Female with black Beads all over her Personand she was smoking a Cigarette, half closing her Eyes as she blewRings toward the Ceiling. 

"Judge, she is some Brazen Hussey, believe me, " said the Prosecutor. "After turning Flip-Flops around the Ten Commandments for fifteen yearsshe married a Good Man and put him on the Fritz. Her regular Job is tololl on a Divan and turn the Coaxing Eye on some poor Geezer who iswandering from Drawing Room to Drawing Room, trying to have his Lifewrecked. Please send her up. She is a Menace to Respectable Society. "

The Prisoner looked at him in haughty Disdain. 

"I am not a Low Woman, " she said, proudly. "I am a Matinee Favorite. The Best People in our City hang their Chins over the Seats in frontand cry softly whenever I get into Trouble. Don't lock me up or theywill be lonesome. "

"Go, woman, and keep on Sinning, " said the Court, in a kind Voice. 

Then, turning to the Defender of the General Good, he said. "You aretwo years behind the Procession. Hereafter arrest only Business Menwho have been Successful. "

MORAL: Criminality is merely a Side-Issue. 

THE UNRUFFLED WIFE AND THE GALLUS HUSBAND

One day a Married Woman who was entitled to a long row of ServiceStripes on her Sleeve, sat in the Motor, and watched the remainder ofthe Sketch try out his new trick Monoplane. 

He scooted away with the Buzzer working overtime and soon was cloud-hopping about a Mile overhead. 

When he began doing the Eagle Swoops and the Corkscrew Dips, which sooften serve as a Prelude to a good First Page Story with a picture ofthe Remains being sorted out from the Debris, most of the Spectatorsgasped and felt their Toes curling inside of their Shoes, but Wifeynever batted an Eye. With only one little Strand of Wire orperchance a Steering Knuckle standing between her and a lot ofInsurance Money, she retained both her Aplomb and the Lorgnette. 

"How can you bear to watch it?" asked a Lady Friend, who was heavingperceptibly. 

"Listen, " replied the Good Woman. "For many Snows I have been sittingon the Side Lines watching the Dear Boy take Desperate Chances. Tobegin with, he married into Our Family. Once, at Asbury Park, heacted as Judge at a Baby Show. Later he put a lot of Money into aBank, the President of which wore Throat Whiskers and was opposed toSunday Base Ball. He has played Golf on Public Links, hunted Deerduring the Open Season in the Adirondacks and essayed the Role ofClaude Melnotte in Amateur Theatricals. Once he attended a Clam Bakeand took everything that was Passed. An another time he made a Speechwhen the Alumni celebrated a Foot Ball Victory. Frequently he goesShopping with me. Last year he acted as Angel for a Musical Comedy. The Driver of our Car is a Frenchman. And don't overlook the Fact thatfor Six Years he has been a Stock Broker. He may fall at any Moment, but if he does he will pick out a Haystack on the way down. "

MORAL: The Wright Brothers were not the first to be Up in the Air. 

BOOKS MADE TO BALANCE

Once there was a Husky employed to crack the Whip around a smoky Worksthat did not offer an attractive Vista from the Car Window, althoughit blossomed with a fragrant crop of Dividends every time the Directorsgot together in the Back Room. 

Most of the American Workingmen employed in this Hive of Industry camefrom remote parts of Europe. Each wore his Head entirely in front ofhis Ears and had taken an Oath to support the Constitution. 

It was the duty of the Husky to keep these imported Rabbits on the Jumpand increase the Output. 

He made himself so strong that he was declared In every time a Melonwas sliced, and when it came time to Scramble the Eggs and pull of thegrand Whack-Up, he was standing at the head of the Line with a Basketon his Arm. 

So it came about that one who started in a Thatched Cottage and grewup on cold Spuds and never saw a Manicure Set until he was 38 years ofage, went home one day to find Gold Fish swimming about in every Roomand Servants blocking the Hallways. 

He had some trouble finding Rings that would go over his Knuckles andthe Silk Kind felt itchy for quite a while, but finally he adjustedhimself to his new Prosperity and began to deplore the apparent Growthof Socialism. 

This rugged and forceful Character, to whom the Muck-Rakers referred asa Baron, had a Daughter who started out as Katie when she carried theHot Coffee over to Dad every Noon. 

When she got her first Chip Diamond and Father switched from the Dudeento Cigars, she was known in High School Circles as Katherine. 

And when Pop got in on the main Divvy and began to take an interest inPaintings, the name went down on the Register at the Waldorf asKathryn, in those peaked Sierra Nevada Letters about four inches high. 

Katie used to go to St. Joseph's Hall once in a while with Martin, theLad who helped around the Grocery. 

Katherine regarded with much Favor a Pallid Drug Clerk who acted as aClearing House for all Local Scandal. 

But say, when Kathyrn came back from a vine-clad Institute overlookingthe historic Hudson and devoted to the embossing and polishing of theFemale Progeny of those who have got away with it, she began workingthe Snuffer on all the Would-Bes back in the Mill Town. When she gotthrough extinguishing, the little Group that remained looked like theRemnant of the Old Guard at Waterloo. 

Father had to stick around because occasionally the eight thousand GoodTempered Boys on the Pay Roll would begin to burn with Wood Alcohol andthe Wrongs of Labor and pull off a few Murders, merely to hasten theTriumph of Justice. 

By the way, Kathryn had a Mother who used to hide in a room upstairsand timidly inspect her new Silk Dresses. 

Kathryn applied the Acid Test to her People and decided that they nevercould Belong. 

She swung on the General Manager for a Letter of Credit big enough toset Ireland free and went traipsing off to the Old World under thechaperonage of a New York Lady who had seen Better Days. 

Now it will be admitted that William J. Burns is Some Sleuth, but whenit comes to apprehending and running to Earth a prattling AmericanIngenue with a few Millions stuffed in her Reticule, the Boy with themildewed Title who sits on the Boulevard all day and dallies with thegreen and pink Bottled Goods has got it all over Burns like a StripedAwning. 

All the starving members of the Up-Against-It Association were waitingat the Dock to cop the prospective Meal Ticket. Not one of them hadever Shaved or Worked and each wore his Handkerchief inside his Cuffand had Yellow Gloves stitched down the Back, and was fully entitledto sit in an Electric Chair and have 80, 000 Volts distributed throughthe Steel Ribs of his Corset. 

As soon as Kathryn began to meet the Roqueforts and Camemberts shediscovered that they had Lovely Eyes and certainly knew how to treata Lady. 

Kathryn had been brought up on Philadelphia Literature, and even duringher most ambitious Social Flights she had encountered the Type of Manwho remains on the opposite side of the Room having trouble with hisWhite Gloves. 

She never had been against those Willing Performers from Gascony whowore Red Ribbons and Medals and who rushed over to kiss the Hand andthen look deep into her Eyes and throb like a Motor Boat. 

This class of Work simply shot her Pulse up to 130 and made her thinkthat she was Cleopatra, floating in the Royal Barge and surrounded byCrawling Slaves. 

When a certain Markee crawled into her Lap and purred into her Ear andthreatened to curl up on the Rug and die if she Refused him, she simplykeeled over with Excitement. 

After she recovered, she found herself actually Engaged to theRepresentative of one of the Oldest Families in the Saucisson Districtof the Burgoo Province and as manly a Chap as ever borrowed Money froma Toe-Dancer. 

She hurried home to keep it out of the Newspapers and to tell those whowould listen that American Men were Impossible. Then the Markee cameover with his Solicitor and a Bottle of Chloroform and a full kit ofSurgical Instruments, and the Wedding was fully reported by theAssociated Press. 

The Captain of Industry sized up Son-in-Law, and knew that when theMoney was gone the Markee could always get a job hanging up Hats in theCheck-Room of a first-class Table d'Hote Restaurant. 

From the window of her Chateau in the Burgoo Province the Lady Cashiercan see the American Tourists going by in their hired Motor Cars. HerCheek flushes with Delight when she happens to remember that in anotherThree Months or so, Friend Husband will come home long enough to showher where to sign her Name. 

What is more, she has the Privilege of walking out at any time andpicking Flowers with the Understanding that she is not to let it beknown that she is related to any of her Relatives on either side of theAtlantic. 

MORAL: Europeans made the Money and they had a Right to pull it down. 

THE TWO UNFETTERED BIRDS

Once there was a Girl with a gleaming New Hampshire Forehead who usedto exchange helpful Books with a studious young Man who had anIntellect of high Voltage. 

It will not be necessary to name these Gazooks, as you never heard ofthem. 

Laura and Edgar were Comrades, in a way. They met under the StudentLamp and talked about Schopenhauer and Walter Pater, but the Affairnever got beyond that Point. It was not even warm enough to be calledPlatonic. It carried about as much Romantic Suggestion as a cold HotWater Bag. 

There grew up between them merely a Fellowship of the Super-Mind, orwhat a Wimp wearing Tortoise-Shell Spectacles would call Cosmahogany. 

Having cleared away the Underbrush, we will now proceed with theNarrative. 

Like every other Member of the Tribe of Mansard Mentalities, theyregarded with much Contempt the School of Popular Fiction. 

Do you think they would stand for any of that old-style Guff aboutSir Ralph getting the Hammer-Lock on Dorothy just outside the Loggia?Not on your Thought Waves!

They regarded the Article commonly called Love as a lingering Symptomof some primeval Longing for Parlor Entertainment. 

It was agreed that each Soul was free and independent, and had a rightto run on its own private Time-Table. 

Laura said she was going to live her Life in her own Way and that noWallopus in striped Trousers could leave her marooned in a Flat, working under Sealed Orders. 

Edgar did not choose to carry Overweight while working out his Careerand grew faint at the very Thought of shouldering a lot of DomesticResponsibilities. 

Marriage was an institution devised for Strap-Hangers who wanted to gettheir Names into the Paper. 

It was a childish Refuge for those who lacked Courage to forsake thebeaten Paths and strike out for the High Spots. 

It will be seen that they were somewhat Advanced. As far back as 1890they were living in the 21st Century. 

Laura went in for Club Work and Cold Baths and Card-Indexing. 

She felt sorry for the Married Women. They were always fussed up overgetting a Laundress or telling about new cases of Scarlet Rash or else'phoning the Office to make sure that the Bread-Winner was at the Deskand behaving himself. 

When she let down her Hair at Night she did not have to do any checkingup or put the bottle of Squills on the Radiator. 

She was Free and Happy. A little lonesome on Rainy Days, but thefreest thing you ever saw and she had her Books. 

Edgar looked about him and saw the Slaves of Matrimony watching theClock and getting ready to duck at 11 P. M. And rejoiced inwardly. 

He could land in at his little Independence Hall at 4 G. M. , and turnon all the Lights and drape his Wardrobe over the Rugs and lightCigarettes and there was not a Voice to break the celestial Stillness. 

He figured that Children must be an awful Worry. 

He brooded over the Kid Proposition so much that soon after he was 30years of Age he used to go around and borrow his Nephews and Nieces andtake them to the Circus and buy expensive Presents for them and upsetthe Household Rules. 

Occasionally he would take a new Book dealing with the Higher Things ofLife up to his old friend Laura and he would find her feeding theBirds, with the Cat asleep in the Corner and an imported Dog with manyCurls pre-empting the principal Chair. 

They would discuss Prison Reform and Kipling and other Subjects in noway related to the awakening of the Maternal Instinct. 

When he owned up to 40 and she had stopped talking about it, theReading Habit was no longer a Novelty with him, so merely to kill Time, he was acting on the Visiting Board of an Orphan Asylum and was aDirector of the Fresh Air Fund and was putting the Office Boy througha Business College. 

About the same time Laura was made the victim of a Conspiracy. 

A designing Day Laborer and his Wife deliberately up and died, leavinga Chick of a Daughter, all helpless and alone. 

Laura simply had to go over and grab the Young One and play Mother toher, because it all happened hardly a Mile from her own Door-Step. 

She had been dodging these commonplace and old-fashionedResponsibilities all her Life and now cruel Circumstances compelled herto spend Hours in servile Attentions to a stray Specimen. 

Of course, she had the Expert Advice of her old friend Edgar, who madeout the Adoption Papers and sent a lot of Merchandise up to the House, out of the promptings of a broad and general sentiment of Pity for theUnfortunate. 

Even when they stood up to be Married they were still stringingthemselves. 

He was bald and grizzled and she was a little droopy around theShoulders and had not been able to massage away the more importantWrinkles. 

They scouted the Suggestion that it was a Love Match. 

It seemed that she needed a Night Watchman and he was afraid to bealone in the Dark with the Memories of the Past. 

MORAL: After you pass 40 you must take charge of something Human, even if it is only a Chauffeur. 

THE TELLTALE TINTYPE

Once there was a worried Parent whose only Son could not quite makeup his Mind whether to join a High School Frat or go on the Stage. 

He was at the long-legged Age and walked Loose and stepped on his ownFeet, and whenever he walked briskly across the Floor to ask someTessie to dance with him, every one crowded back against the Wall toavoid getting one on the Shin. 

He combed his Hair straight back, like a Sea Lion, and in Zero Weatherwore a peculiar type of Low Shoe with a Hard-Boiled Egg in the Toe. 

His overcoat was of Horse Blanket material with a Surcingle, and theHat needed a Hair Cut and a Shave. When he topped off his Mardi GrasCombination with a pair of Yellow Gloves that sounded like a Cry forHelp and went teetering down the Street, his Father would vent Delightover the Fact that the Legislature had passed Game Laws. 

One day at Luncheon Father got so Steamy that he had to blow off. Sohe opened up on Son and practically wiped him off the Map. He sureburned him Alive. 

He kidded the whole Make-Up and said he was the Male Parent of aChampion Gillie, whatever that is. 

He said the Hat was a Scream and the Overcoat was a Riot and theoverlapping Collar with the dinky Four-in-Hand was a Comic Supplement, and why had such a Freak been wished on to a hard-headed Business Man. 

He laughed brutally at the low comedy Shoes with the swollenPromontories and the Trousers with the double Reef and the foldingCuffs and the Hair with the Patent-Leather Gloss. 

Mother sat back tapping her Foot and trying to hold in, but she wasSore as a Crab, for she loved her Lambkin. 

Finally she could not stand it any longer, so she rushed to the Boudoirand produced from [a] Bureau Drawer the Tintype which Papa had slippedto her just 8 weeks before they faced the Justice of the Peace atAkron, Ohio. 

It was the True likeness of a Male Hyena whose Hair was combed low onthe Forehead into a gummy and passionate Cow-Lick. 

He had one of those Gates Ajar Collars that was primarily intended todisplay the Adam's Apple in all of its naked Splendor. 

The Shirt was ruffled the same as the Lingerie in an Advertisement, andthe Watch Chain was of Human Hair, which is now regarded as aPenitentiary Offense. 

The Boutonniere was a Carnation against a Leaf of Geranium with TinFoil below, which is no longer being done in the Best Families. 

The form-fitting Trousers led gradually down to Congress Gaiterspointed on the End like Nut-Picks. 

Father took one Peek at Exhibit A and then gave Albert a V and toldhim to hunt up some of his Boy Friends and take them to a Matinee atthe Orpheum. 

MORAL: Whatever you may be, your Parents were more so at the same Age. 

THE END

[Colophon]THE COUNTRY LIFE PRESSGARDEN CITY N. Y. 

[Transcriber's notes:Accents and the tilde have been deleted to make a 7-bit file. The reading "G. M. " for "A. M. " has been retained, since it occurs twice. Line 1452: should it be "an Orator never has been known to Decline"?Line 1627: "go Blind" substituted for "go Blink"Line 1937: "Ory-Eyed" in text; is "Dry-Eyed" meant?Line 2226: i. E. , Menu]