MORE FABLES

by GEORGE ADE

author of

FABLES in SLANG

ILLUSTRATED by

CLYDE J. NEWMAN

1900. 

Table _of_ Contents

_The_ Fable _of_ How Uncle Brewster was _Too_ Shifty _for the_ Tempter

_The_ Fable _of the_ Grass Widow _and the_ Mesmeree _and the_ SixDollars

_The_ Fable _of the_ Honest Money-Maker and the Partner of His Joys, _Such as They Were_

_The_ Fable _of_ Why Sweetie Flew _the_ Track

_The_ Fable _of the_ Ex-Chattel _and the_ Awful Swat _that_ was Waiting_for the_ Colonel

_The_ Fable _of the_ Corporation Director _and the_ Mislaid Ambition

_The_ Fable _of_ What Happened _the_ Night the Men Came _to the_ Women'sClub

_The_ Fable _of_ Why Essie's Tall Friend Got _the_ Fresh Air

_The_ Fable _of the_ Michigan Counterfeit _Who_ Wasn't One Thing _orthe_ Other

_The_ Fable _of the_ Adult Girl Who Got Busy Before They Could Ring_the_ Bell _on_ Her

_The_ Fable _of the_ Man-Grabber Who Went Out _of_ His Class

_The_ Fable _of the_ Inveterate Joker who Remained _in_ Montana

_The_ Fable _of the_ Cruel Insult _and the_ Arrival _of the_ Lover_from_ No. 6

_The_ Fable _of the_ Lodge Fiend, _and the_ Delilah Trick Played _by_His Wife

_The_ Fable _of the_ Apprehensive Sparrow _and_ Her Daily Escape

_The_ Fable _of the_ Regular Customer _and the_ Copper-Lined Entertainer

_The_ Fable _of_ Lutie, _the_ False Alarm, _and_ How She Finished about_the_ Time _that_ She Started

_The_ Fable _of the_ Cotillon Leader _from the_ Huckleberry District_with the_ Intermittent Memory

_The_ Fable _of the_ He-Gossip _and the_ Man's Wife _and the_ Man

_The_ Fable _of the_ Author Who was Sorry _for_ What He Did _to_ Willie

_THE_ FABLE _OF_ HOW UNCLE BREWSTER WAS _TOO_ SHIFTY _FOR THE_ TEMPTER

When Uncle Brewster had put on his Annual Collar and combed his Beardand was about to start to the Depot, his Wife, Aunt Mehely, looked athim through her Specs and shook her Head doubtfully. 

Then she spoke as follows: "You go slow there in the City. You know yourFailin's. You're just full of the Old Harry, and when you're Het Upyou're just like as not to Raise Ned. "

"I guess I can take keer of myse'f about as well as the Next One, "retorted Uncle Brewster. "I've been to the Mill an' got my Grist, if anyone should ask. I ain't no Greeny. "

With that he started for the Train, which was due in one Hour. 

As he rode toward the Great City he smoked a Baby Mine Cigar, purchasedof the Butcher, and told the Brakeman a few Joe Millers just to throwout the Impression that he was Fine and Fancy. 

After he had Registered at the Hotel and Swelled Up properly whenaddressed as "Mister" by the Clerk, he wanted to know if there was aLively Show in Town. The Clerk told him to follow the Street until hecame to all the Electric Lights, and there he would find a Ballet. UncleBrewster found the Place, and looked in through the Hole at an AssistantTreasurer, who was Pale and wore a Red Vest. 

[Illustration: UNCLE BREWSTER]

"I want a Chair near the Band, " said Uncle Brewster. "How much does oneof 'em Fetch?"

"Two Dollars, " replied the Assistant Treasurer, pulling down his Cuffsand then examining himself in a small Mirror at one side of the Diagram. 

"Great Grief!" ejaculated Uncle Brewster. "I only paid Thirty-Five Centsfor the Glass Blowers, an' I'll warrant you they beat your Troupe as badas Cranberries beats Glue. I'll see you plumb in Halifax before I--"

"Stand aside, please, " said the Assistant Treasurer. 

Uncle Brewster saw a Policeman, and thought it his Duty to tell theOfficer that the Theater Folks were a Pack of Robbers. 

"Up an Alley, " said the Policeman. 

Instead of going to a Show, Uncle Brewster stood in front of a ClothingStore and watched the Wax Figures. 

When he got back to his Room the Bell-Hopper came around and asked himif he cared to Sit in a Quiet Game. Uncle Brewster wanted to knowwhether they were Gamblers or Business Men, and the Boy said they wereBusiness Men. It was all Friendly, with an Ante of Two Bits and theChandelier as the Limit. Uncle Brewster said he was accustomed toplaying with Lima Beans, Three for a Cent and One call Two and no fairto Bluff. The Bell-Hopper told him to Turn In and get a Good Night'sRest. 

Next Morning at the Hotel he spotted a stylish little Chunk of a Womanwho kept the Cigar Case and sold Books with Actress Photos on theoutside. 

He walked over to buy a Cigar, but he happened to see the "3 for 50c. "Label and his Feet got cold. 

So, instead of buying a Cigar, he conversed with the Proprietress. Heseemed to be a Success with her, and ventured to say that he was aStranger in Town and would like first-rate to go out to a Lecture orsome other kind of Entertainment that Evening if he could find a NiceGirl that didn't mind going with a Respectable Man who could giveReferences, and besides was nearly old enough to be her Father. Thenafter the Lecture they could go to a First-Class Restaurant and have anOyster Stew. 

[Illustration: THE INVITATION]

Uncle Brewster had read the Illustrated Papers in the Barber Shop outHome, and he certainly knew what was Expected of a Man who wanted togive a Gay Girl the Time of her Life. 

The Cigar and Literary Girl said she would be Charmed to Accompany himonly for one Thing: She said she didn't have a Hat that was Fit to Wear. She said she could tell by his Looks that he was a Gentleman thatwouldn't want to go anywhere with a Lady whose Lid was Tacky. Possiblyhe would be willing to Stake her to a Hat. 

"What would the Hat come to?" asked Uncle Brewster, somewhat Leary. 

"Only Fourteen Dollars, " she replied. 

"I'll Think it Over, " quoth Uncle Brewster, in a choking Voice, and hewas so Groggy he walked into the Elevator instead of going out theStreet Door. 

A little while later Uncle Brewster met an Acquaintance who gave him aComplimentary Badge to the Races. He walked out to the Track, so as tomake the Expense as Reasonable as possible. 

As soon as he was in the Ring a Tout took him back of a Hot SausageBooth and told him not to Give it Out, but Green Pill in the First Racewas sure to Win as far as a man could throw an Anvil, and to hurry andget a Piece of Money on. Uncle Brewster looked at the Entries and beganto Quiver. He wished that Doc Jimmison could be there to Advise him. Green Pill was 30 to 1, and the Tout had his information from a StableBoy that slept with the Horse. 

A Reckless Spirit seized Uncle Brewster. He said he would take a Chanceeven if he didn't know for Sure that he would Win. So he walked up to aBookie and said to him: "I want to Bet Fifty Cents on Green Pill, andthis is a Dollar here, so you want to give me Fifty Cents Change. "

Whereupon the Bookie told him to Back Up and Fade and do a DisappearingSpecialty. 

Uncle Brewster Escaped and found himself at a Bar. He decided that hewould take a Drink, because he wouldn't be Home until next Day and bythat time it would be off his Breath. 

[Illustration: NON-COMBUSTIBLE]

So he laid his Bosom against the Brass Railing and said to the Man inWhite, "You might as well draw me a Glass of Beer. "

"We've got it in Bottles, " said the Barkeep, regarding Uncle Brewsterwithout a sign of Enthusiasm. 

"What do you git for a Bottle?" asked Uncle Brewster. 

"Twenty Cents, " was the Reply of the Liquor Clerk. 

"Keep it, " said Uncle Brewster. 

Perceiving that the Race-Track was in the hands of Gougers, UncleBrewster walked back to the Hotel. By that Time his New Shoes hadCrippled him, and he decided to take the Afternoon Train for homeinstead of Waiting Over. 

That Evening he was back at his own Fireside, with the Bunged-Up Feetresting in Carpet Slippers. As he sat and read the Poultry Magazine, Aunt Mehely looked at him sidewise, and full of Suspicion said, "Is'pose you just Played Hob there in the City. "

And Uncle Brewster replied as follows: "No, Mother, I didn't Drink and Ididn't Gamble. I didn't do Nothin'--not even go to a Theayter. "

And as he spoke an Aureole of Virtue seemed to curdle above him, whilehis Countenance bore an Expression of Placid Triumph, which meant thathe was the real Asbestos Paragon who had been tried in the Furnace anddeclared Non-Combustible. 

MORAL: _Some People are Good because it Comes High to be Otherwise_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ GRASS WIDOW _AND THE_ MESMEREE _AND THE_ SIXDOLLARS

One Day a keen Business manager who thought nobody could Show him wassitting at his Desk. A Grass Widow floated in, and stood Smiling at him. She was a Blonde, and had a Gown that fit her as if she had been Packedinto it by Hydraulic Pressure. She was just as Demure as Edna May evertried to be, but the Business Manager was a Lightning Calculator, and heSurmised that the Bunk was about to be Handed to him. The Cold Chillswent down his Spine when he caught a Flash of the Half-MoroccoProspectus. 

If it had been a Man Agent he would have shouted "Sick 'em" and reachedfor a Paper-Weight. But when the Agent has the Venus de Milo beaten onPoints and Style, and when the Way the Skirt sets isn't so Poor, and sheis Coy and introduces the Startled Fawn way of backing up withoutgetting any farther away, and when she comes on with short Steps, and hegets the remote Swish of the Real Silk, to say nothing of the FaintAroma of New-Mown Hay, and her Hesitating Manner seems to ask, "Have Ior have I not met a Friend?"--in a Case of that kind, the Victim is justthe same as Strapped to the Operating-Table. He has about One Chance ina Million. 

The timorous but trusting little Grass Widow sat beside the BusinessManager and told him her Hard-Luck Story in low, bird-like Notes. Shesaid she was the only Support of her Little Boy, who was attending aMilitary School at Syracuse, N. Y. She turned the Liquid Orbs on him andhad him to the Bad. He thought he would tell her that already he hadmore Books at Home than he could get on the Shelves, but when he triedto Talk he only Yammered. She Kept on with her little Song, and Smiledall the Time, and sat a little Closer, and he got so Dizzy he had tolock his Legs under the Office Chair to keep from Sinking Away. 

[Illustration: GRASS WIDOW]

When she had him in the Hypnotic State she pushed the Silver Pencil intohis Right Hand, and showed him where to sign his Name. He wrote it, while the dim Sub-Consciousness told him that probably he was theSoftest Thing the Lady Robber had Stood Up that Season. Then sherecovered the Pencil, which he was confusedly trying to put into hisVest Pocket, and missing it about Six Inches, and with a cheery Good Byshe was gone. 

He shook himself and took a Long Breath, and asked where he was. Then itall came back to him and he felt Ornery, and called himself Names androasted the Office Boy in the Next Room, and made a Rule that hereafterNobody could get at him except by Card, and if any Blonde Sharks inExpensive Costumes asked for him, to call up the Chief and ask for aSquad. 

[Illustration: THE OFFICE BOY]

He was so Wrothy at himself for being Held Up that he could not find anyConsolation except in the Fact that he had seen on the List ofSubscribers the name of nearly every well-known married Citizen abovethe Age of 35. He was not the Only One. She had Corralled the Street. 

When the Man came around to deliver the seven-pound copy of "Happy Hourswith the Poets, " and he paid out his Six Silver Pieces for a queerVolume that he would not have Read for Six an Hour, he hated himselfworse than ever. He thought some of giving the Book to the Office Boy, by way of Revenge, but he hit upon a Better Use for it. He put it backinto the Box and carried it Home, and said to his Wife, "See what I haveBought for you. "

It occurred to him that after getting a Present like that, she ought tolet him stay out every Night for a Month. But she could not see it thatWay. He had to tell her that Some Women never seem to Appreciate havingHusbands to Grind and Toil all day, so as to be able to purchaseBeautiful Gifts for them. Then she told him that all the Women of herAcquaintance had received these Books as Presents, and a crowd ofMarried Men must have been given a Club Rate. Then he Spunked up andsaid that if she was going to look a Gift Horse in the Mouth, theywouldn't Talk about it any more. 

In the meantime the Grass Widow was living at the Waldorf-Astoria. 

MORAL: _Those who are Entitled to it Get it sooner or later_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ HONEST MONEY-MAKER AND THE PARTNER OF HIS JOYS, _SUCH AS THEY WERE_

The Prosperous Farmer lived in an Agricultural Section of the MiddleWest. He commanded the Respect of all his Neighbors. He owned a Section, and had a Raft of big Horses and white-faced Cows and Farm Machinery, and Money in the Bank besides. He still had the first Dollar he evermade, and it could not have been taken away from him with Pincers. 

Henry was a ponderous, Clydesdale kind of Man, with Warts on his Hands. He did not have to travel on Appearances, because the whole County knewwhat he was Worth. Of course he was Married. Years before he hadselected a willing Country Girl with Pink Cheeks, and put her into hisKitchen to serve the Remainder of her Natural Life. He let her have ashigh as Two Dollars a Year to spend for herself. Her Hours were from 6A. M. To 6 A. M. , and if she got any Sleep she had to take it out of herTime. The Eight-Hour Day was not recognized on Henry's Place. 

[Illustration: HENRY]

After Ten Years of raising Children, Steaming over the Washtub, Milkingthe Cows, Carrying in Wood, Cooking for the Hands, and other Delsartesuch as the Respected Farmer usually Frames Up for his Wife, she was asthin as a Rail and humped over in the Shoulders. She was Thirty, andlooked Sixty. Her Complexion was like Parchment and her Voice had beenworn to a Cackle. She was losing her Teeth, too, but Henry could notafford to pay Dentist Bills because he needed all his Money to buy morePoland Chinas and build other Cribs. If she wanted a Summer Kitchen or anew Wringer or a Sewing Machine, or Anything Else that would lighten herLabors, Henry would Moan and Grumble and say she was trying to land himin the Poorhouse. 

They had a dandy big Barn, painted Red With White Trimmings, and aPatent Fork to lift the Hay into the Mow, and the Family lived in a PineBox that had not been Painted in Years and had Dog-Fennel all around theFront of it. 

The Wife of the Respected Farmer was the only Work Animal around thePlace that was not kept Fat and Sleek. But, of course, Henry did notcount on Selling her. Henry often would fix up his Blooded Stock for theCounty Fair and tie Blue Ribbons on the Percherons and Herefords, but itwas never noticed that he tied any Blue Ribbons on the Wife. 

And yet Henry was a Man to be Proud of. He never Drank and he was a GoodHand with Horses, and he used to go to Church on Sunday Morning and holda Cud of Tobacco in his Face during Services and sing Hymns with ExtremeUnction. He would sing that he was a Lamb and had put on the Snow-WhiteRobes and that Peace attended him. People would see him there in hisStore Suit, with the Emaciated Wife and the Scared Children sitting inthe Shadow of his Greatness, and they said that she was Lucky to have aMan who was so Well Off and lived in the Fear of the Lord. 

Henry was Patriotic as well as Pious. He had a Picture of AbrahamLincoln in the Front Room, which no one was permitted to Enter, and hewas glad that Slavery had been abolished. 

Henry robbed the Cradle in order to get Farm-Hands. As soon as theChildren were able to Walk without holding on, he started them for theCorn-Field, and told them to Pay for the Board that they had beenSponging off of him up to that Time. He did not want them to get toomuch Schooling for fear that they would want to sit up at Night and Readinstead of Turning In so as to get an Early Start along before Daylightnext Morning. So they did not get any too much, rest easy. And he neverFoundered them on Stick Candy or Raisins or any such Delicatessen forsale at a General Store. Henry was undoubtedly the Tightest Wad in theTownship. Some of the Folks who had got into a Box through PoorManagement, and had been Foreclosed out of House and Home by Henry andhis Lawyer, used to say that Henry was a Skin, and was too Stingy togive his Family enough to Eat, but most People looked up to Henry, forthere was no getting around it that he was Successful. 

[Illustration: THE FARM]

When the Respected Farmer had been Married for Twenty Years and theChildren had developed into long Gawks who did not know Anything exceptto get out and Toil all Day for Pa and not be paid anything for it, andafter Henry had scraped together more Money than you could load on aHay-Rack, an Unfortunate Thing happened. His Wife began to Fail. She wasnow Forty, but the Fair and Fat did not go with it. At that Age someWomen are Buxom and just blossoming into the Full Charm of MatronlyWomanhood. But Henry's Wife was Gaunt and Homely and all Run Down. Shehad been Poorly for Years, but she had to keep up and do the Chores aswell as the House-Work, because Henry could not afford to hire a Girl. At last her Back gave out, so that she had to sit down and Rest everyOnce in a While. Henry would come in for his Meals and to let her knowhow Hearty all the Calves seemed to be, and he began to Notice that shewas not very Chipper. It Worried him more than a little, because he didnot care to pay any Doctor Bills. He told her she had better go and getsome Patent Medicine that he had seen advertised on the Fence coming outfrom Town. It was only Twenty-Five cents a Bottle, and was warranted toCure Anything. So she tried it, but it did not seem to restore her Youthand she got Weaker, and at last Henry just had to have the Doctor, Expense or No Expense. The Doctor said that as nearly as he couldDiagnose her Case, she seemed to be Worn Out. Henry was Surprised, andsaid she had not been Complaining any more than Usual. 

Next Afternoon he was out Dickering for a Bull, and his Woman, lying onthe cheap Bedstead, up under the hot Roof, folded her lean Hands andslipped away to the only Rest she had known since she tied up with aProsperous and Respected Farmer. 

[Illustration: THE FAMILY]

Henry was all Broken Up. He Wailed and Sobbed and made an Awful Fuss atthe Church. The Preacher tried to Comfort him by saying that the Ways ofProvidence were beyond all Finding Out. He said that probably there wassome Reason why the Sister had been taken right in the Prime of herUsefulness, but it was not for Henry to know it. He said the onlyConsolation he could offer was the Hope that possibly she was BetterOff. There did not seem to be much Doubt about that. 

In about a Month the Respected Farmer was riding around the Country inhis Buck-Board looking for Number Two. He had a business Head and heknew it was Cheaper to Marry than to Hire one. His Daughter was onlyEleven and not quite Big Enough as yet to do all the Work for five Men. 

Finally he found one who had the Reputation of being a Good Worker. Whenhe took her over to his House to Break Her In, the Paper at the CountySeat referred to them as the Happy Couple. 

MORAL: _Be Honest and Respected and it Goes_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF_ WHY SWEETIE FLEW _THE_ TRACK

Once there were two Married People who used "Lovey" and "Pet" when theywere in Company, and as soon as they were at Home they Threw Things ateach other. She used to watch him through a Hole in the Curtain to seeif he Flirted with any Women as he walked up the Street, and he bribedthe Hired Girl to tell him Everything that happened while he was off theReservation. 

They did not Mocha and Java worth a Cent. 

The Cardboard Motto in the Dining Room said, "Love One Another, " butthey were too Busy to Read. 

He had a Clearing on the top of his Head and wore Side-Whiskers and borea general Resemblance to the Before in an Ad for a Facial Treatment, andyet she suspected that all the Women in Town were Crazy to steal himaway from her. 

Likewise, inasmuch as she was the same Width all the way up and down, the same as a Poster Girl, and used to sport a Velvet Shroud with BlackBeads on it, and could wield a Tooth-Pick and carry on a Conversation atthe same time, he knew that sooner or later some Handsome Wretch withMoney would try to Abduct her. 

Sometimes he would bring a Friend Home to Dinner, and then if the Friendextended himself and told the Missus how well she was looking orPerjured himself over her Hand-Painting, Papa would get a Grouch andhide in the Corner. 

[Illustration: BABY]

Then she would Fan herself rapidly and ask, "Aren't you well, Dear?"

Dear would force one of those Dying-Martyr Smiles and reply, "I am quitewell, Puss. "

Then Puss would tell the Visitor that Baby was simply ruining his Healththrough Devotion to his Employers, but they didn't seem to Appreciatehim at all. 

After the Visitor went away there would be Language all over the Shop, and the poor Hired Girl would lock the Door and write to theIntelligence Office for a new Place. 

Truly, it was a Happy Little Home, with the Reverse English. 

She would Frisk his Wardrobe every day or two, looking for Evidence, andhe would compel her to Itemize her Accounts so that he might be sure shewas not giving Jewelry to the Iceman. 

She would find a certain Passage in a Book, relating to Man's Crueltyand Woman's Silent Suffering, and then she would Mark the Passage andput it where he could Find it. Then when he Found it, he would Mark it"Rot!" and put it where She could find it, and then she would Weep andwrite Letters to Lady Authors telling them how Sad and Lonely she was. 

But all the Time they kept up an Affectionate Front before theirAcquaintances. They thought it better to avoid Scenes in Public; andalthough each knew that the other was False and had ceased to Love, theycould not bring themselves to think of a Separation or a Divorce onaccount of the Cat--their Cat! The Cat must never know. 

However, one of his Business Associates was On. He was a Bachelor andhad lived at a European Hotel for Years, and he knew just how toArbitrate a Domestic Scrap. So he sat down one day and gave the Husbanda Good Talking-To. He said it was a Shame that such Nice People shouldhave their Differences when it was so easy to be Happy. With that hehanded over a Slew of Platitudes and Proverbs, such as: "A Soft AnswerTurneth Away Wrath, " "It takes Two to Make a Quarrel, " "Think Twicebefore you Speak once, " _et cetera. _

[Illustration: SWEETIE]

The Gist of his heart-to-heart Talk was that any Husband could stopRough House Proceedings and shoot all kinds of Sweetness and Light intothe sassiest Mooch a Wife ever got on to herself, if only he wouldrefuse to Quarrel with her, receive her Flings without a Show of Wrath, and get up every Morning ready to Plug for a Renaissance of their EarlyLove. 

Oh, but it was a Beauty Bright System! The European Hotel Bachelor saidit couldn't Lose. 

The Husband decided to give it a Trial. That very Afternoon he met hisWife, who had come out in her long Fawn-Colored Coat that fell straightin the Back. She had her Upper Rigging set, and was trying to Blanketeverything on the Street. He flashed a Smiling Countenance, and said hewas glad to see her. Then, instead of asking her When she left theHouse, and Where she had been since then, and How Soon she expected togo Home again, he told her she was looking Unusually Charming. She wasStartled. 

[Illustration: THE CAT]

He handed her a Ten and told her to have a Good Time. Now, usually, whenshe wanted any Pin Money, she had to Pry it out of him. 

On her way home her Mind was in a Tumult. Why had he given her the ConSpeech and all that Money? What was the Ulterior Motive? What had hebeen Doing that he should attempt to Coddle her into a Forgiving Mood?Did he Fear that she would get next to his Past? Huh?

He just couldn't Fool her. She knew Something was Doing. Else why shouldhe try to Fix her?

As soon as he came Home that Evening she Accused him and said she knewAll. Instead of Countering with the usual Gibe, he told her that she wasthe Only Woman he had ever Loved and would she go to a Show thatEvening? She went, thinking that perhaps the Other Woman might be thereand she could detect some Signal passing between them. While at theTheater he fanned her and explained the Plot, and was all Attention. They rode Home in a Cab, because he said a Car wasn't good enough forHis Queen. After they were at Home he asked her to sing the Song he hadliked so much in the Old Days, "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean. " This wasConclusive Proof to her that the Hussy's Name was Bonnie. 

Next Morning before he started away he Kissed her, and it wasn't anyMake-Believe such as you see in Comic Opera. It was a genuine OlgaNethersole Buss, full of Linger and Adhesion. To cap the Climax he saidhe would stop in and order some Violets. 

As soon as the Door slammed she Staggered toward the Kitchen, holding onto the Furniture here and there, the same as a Sardou Heroine. In theKitchen was a Box of Rough on Rats. Hastily Concealing it beneath theloose Folds of her Morning Gown, she went to her Room and looked in theMirror. 

Ah, when he saw that Cold, White Face, then he would be Sorry. UponSecond Thought, this didn't seem to be a Moral Certainty, so sheWeakened and had the Girl take the Poison and Hide it. She said shewould Live--Live to Forget his Perfidy. 

That day she went back to Mamma, and took the Cat with her. 

When he came Home in the Twilight he found no Wife, no Cat--only aScribbled Note saying that he could no longer Deceive her; that she hadseen through his Diabolical Plan to Lull her Suspicions, and that shewas no longer Safe in the Same House. 

When the Deserted Husband went to the Friend and told him what hadHappened, the Wise Bachelor said:

"I see. You did not go at her Strong enough. "

MORAL: _They don't know Anything about it_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ EX-CHATTEL _AND THE_ AWFUL SWAT _THAT_ WAS WAITING_FOR THE COLONEL_

In one of the States of the Sunny South there stood a war-time Housethat had six white Columns along the Veranda, and the Chimney ran up theoutside of the Wall. 

This House was the Abode of a Colonel who had a silver-gray Goatee andthe Manners of the Old School. All the First Families in the State wererelated to him, and therefore he was somewhat Particular as to who LinedUp with him when he took his Toddy. 

He was proud of his Ancestry, and he carried the Scars to prove that hewould Resent an Insult. 

Now it happened that the Thirteenth Amendment signified nothing to him. He had been Reconstructed, but it didn't Take. 

While on a Business Trip to the North he stopped at a Gaudy Hotel withall kinds of Mirrors and Onyx Stairways. 

The Head Waiter at this Hotel was a Colored Gentleman with a False Frontand a Dress Suit that fit him too soon. His Name was Mr. Winfield. Hewas President of the Colored Waiters' Union, Vice-President of theRepublican County Central Committee, and Regal Commander of the Princesof Ethiopia. 

His Honors lay Heavily upon him. He showed People where to sit in theDining Room, and those who failed to Obey usually had to wait fifteen ortwenty Minutes for their Vermicelli. 

[Illustration: THE COLONEL]

Mr. Winfield favored his Feet somewhat, which caused him to walkSyncopated, but, everything considered, he was quite Important andfairly Warm. 

One morning the Colonel went into the Dining Room, and after he hadseated himself he called Mr. Winfield to him and said he wanted some HotBiscuit. At the same time he addressed Mr. Winfield as a Black Hound. Mr. Winfield did not know that this was a Term of Endearment inApahatchie County, so he picked up a Silver Fruit Dish and bounced itagainst the Colonel's Head. 

The Colonel arose and pulled his Persuader, expecting to make it a Caseof Justifiable Homicide, but two Waiters named George and Grant grabbedhim and backed him up against the Wall. 

There were other guests in the Dining Room, but they did not jump inwith any Gun Plays and make it a Race War, because Apahatchie County wasEight Hundred Miles away. One of them Co-Operated to the extent ofRinging three times for a Policeman. 

The Officer of the Law who arrived in a few Minutes was Mr. OtisBeasley, Most Worshipful Scribe of the Princes of Ethiopia, of which Mr. Winfield was the Regal Commander. 

Mr. Beasley walked up to Mr. Winfield, and placing his Left Hand on hisBrow, said, "Hail, Brother. "

"Hail, Most Noble Prince!" responded Mr. Winfield, making the MysticSign. 

"What are the Objects of our Beloved Fraternity?" asked Mr. Beasley, ina whisper. 

"Hope, Coslosterousness, and Polotomy, " replied the Regal Commander. 

"'Tis Well, " said the Most Worshipful Scribe, giving him the Grip. 

Having completed the Secret work, Mr. Beasley wanted to know what hecould do for Brother Winfield. 

"Remove this Pusson, " said Mr. Winfield, pointing at the Colonel. 

So it came about that He who in Apahatchie County had trained them tohop off the Sidewalk and stand Uncovered until he had passed, nowsuffered the Hideous Degradation of being marched downstairs by One ofThem and then slammed into the Hurry-Up Wagon. Under which Circumstancesthe Colonel had the Rabies. 

[Illustration: MR. WINFIELD]

At the Police Station he was dragged before a Magistrate and was chargedwith Disorderly Conduct, Carrying Concealed Weapons, Assault andBattery, Assault with Intent to Kill, and Resisting an Officer. 

The Magistrate was a White Man, and to him the Colonel appealed forJustice, claiming Brotherhood as a Caucasian. He told what would havehappened in Apahatchie if any Coon had dared to lay a finger on aColonel. 

Here was an opening for the Court. It must be known that the Court livedin a Ward that was Dark in one End, and he was out for the Colored Votein case he ran for Judge. This was his Chance to make a Grand-StandPlay. 

He handed down a Decision to the Effect that all Men are Free and Equal, with incidental References to the Emancipation Proclamation and Strikingthe Shackles from Four Millions of Human Beings. He Ratified theConstitution and Permitted the Negro to stand in the Free Sunlight. InApahatchie County he would have been used for Target Practice, butApahatchie County was still Eight Hundred Miles away. 

In Conclusion he Soaked the Colonel for $32. 75 in Fines and Costs, Confiscating the Weapon, which he afterward presented to Officer OtisBeasley as a Slight Token of Esteem. 

Next Morning, as a south-bound Passenger Train was crossing the OhioRiver, the Colored Porter on the Atlanta Sleeper jumped eighty feet fromthe Trestle into the Water in order to Escape with his Life. 

MORAL: _A Head Waiter must be Ruled by Kindness_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ CORPORATION DIRECTOR _AND THE_ MISLAID AMBITION

One of the Most Promising Boys in a Graded School had a Burning Ambitionto be a Congressman. He loved Politics and Oratory. When there was aRally in Town he would carry a Torch and listen to the Spellbinder withhis Mouth open. 

The Boy wanted to grow up and wear a Black String Tie and a Bill CodyHat and walk stiff-legged, with his Vest unbuttoned at the Top, and beDistinguished. 

On Friday Afternoons he would go to School with his Face scrubbed to ashiny pink and his Hair roached up on one side, and he would Recite theSpeeches of Patrick Henry and Daniel Webster and make Gestures. 

When he Graduated from the High School he delivered an Oration on "TheDuty of the Hour, " calling on all young Patriots to leap into the Arenaand with the Shield of Virtue quench the rising Flood of Corruption. Hesaid that the Curse of Our Times was the Greed for Wealth, and hepleaded for Unselfish Patriotism among those in High Places. 

He boarded at Home for a while without seeing a chance to jump into theArena, and finally his Father worked a Pull and got him a Job with aSteel Company. He proved to be a Handy Young Man, and the Manager sentHim out to make Contracts. He stopped roaching his Hair, and he didn'tgive the Arena of Politics any serious Consideration except when theTariff on Steel was in Danger. 

[Illustration: AMBITIOUS YOUTH]

In a little while he owned a few Shares, and after that he became aDirector. He joined several Clubs and began to enjoy his Food. He dranka Small Bottle with his Luncheon each Day, and he couldn't talk Businessunless he held a Scotch High Ball in his Right Hand. 

With the return of Prosperity and the Formation of the Trust and theWhoop in all Stocks he made so much Money that he was afraid to tell theAmount. 

His Girth increased--he became puffy under the Eyes--you could see thelittle blue Veins on his Nose. 

He kept his Name out of the Papers as much as possible, and he nevergave Congress a Thought except when he talked to his Lawyer of theProbable Manner in which they would Evade any Legislation againstTrusts. He took two Turkish Baths every week and wore Silk Underwear. When an Eminent Politician would come to his Office to shake him down hewould send out Word by the Boy in Buttons that he had gone to Europe. That's what he thought of Politics. 

One day while rummaging in a lower Drawer in his Library, looking for aBox of Poker Chips, he came upon a Roll of Manuscript and wondered whatit was. He opened it and read how it was the Duty of all True Americansto hop into the Arena and struggle unselfishly for the General Good. Itcame to him in a Flash--this was his High School Oration!

Then suddenly he remembered that for several Years of his Life hisconsuming Ambition had been--to go to Congress!

With a demoniacal Shriek he threw himself at full length on a LeatherCouch and began to Laugh. 

He rolled off the Sofa and tossed about on a $1, 200 Rug in a Paroxysm ofMerriment. 

His Man came running into the Library and saw the Master in Convulsions. The poor Trust Magnate was purple in the Face. 

They sent for a Great Specialist, who said that his Dear Friend hadruptured one of the smaller Arteries, and also narrowly escaped Death byApoplexy. 

[Illustration: THE MAGNATE]

He advised Rest and Quiet and the avoidance of any Great Shock. 

So they took the High School Oration and put it on the Ice, and theMagnate slowly recovered and returned to his nine-course Dinners. 

MORAL: _Of all Sad Words of Tongue or Pen, the Saddest are these, "ItMight Have Been. "_

_THE_ FABLE _OF_ WHAT HAPPENED _THE_ NIGHT THE MEN CAME _TO THE_ WOMEN'SCLUB

In a Progressive Little City claiming about twice the Population thatthe Census Enumerators could uncover, there was a Literary Club. It wasone of these Clubs guaranteed to fix you out with Culture while youwait. Two or three Matrons, who were too Heavy for Light Amusements, butnot old enough to remain at Home and Knit, organized the Club. Nearlyevery Woman in town rushed to get in, for fear somebody would say shehadn't been Asked. 

The Club used to Round Up once a week at the Homes of Members. Therewould be a Paper, followed by a Discussion, after which somebody wouldPour. 

The Organization seemed to be a Winner. One Thing the Lady Clubbers wereDead Set On. They were going to have Harmony with an Upper Case H. Theywere out to cut a seven-foot Swath through English Literature fromBeowulf to Bangs, inclusive, and no petty Jealousies or Bickerings wouldstand in the Way. 

So while they were at the Club they would pull Kittenish Smiles at eachother, and Applaud so as not to split the Gloves. Some times they wouldKiss, too, but they always kept their Fingers crossed. 

Of course, when they got off in Twos and Threes they would pull thelittle Meat-Axes out of the Reticules and hack a few Monograms, but thatwas to have been expected. 

[Illustration: WYCLIF]

Everything considered, the Club was a Tremendous Go. At each Session theLady President would announce the Subject for the next Meeting. Forinstance, she would say that Next Week they would take up Wyclif. Thenevery one would romp home to look in the Encyclopedia of Authors andfind out who in the world Wyclif was. On the following Thursday theywould have Wyclif down Pat, and be primed for a Discussion. They wouldtalk about Wyclif as if he had been down to the House for Tea everyevening that Week. 

After the Club had been running for Six Months it was beginning to beStrong on Quotations and Dates. The Members knew that Mrs. Browning wasthe wife of Mr. Browning, that Milton had Trouble with his Eyes, andthat Lord Byron wasn't all that he should have been, to say the Least. They began to feel their Intellectual Oats. In the meantime theJeweler's Wife had designed a Club Badge. 

The Club was doing such Notable Work that some of the Members thoughtthey ought to have a Special Meeting and invite the Men. They wanted toput the Cap-Sheaf on a Profitable Season, and at the same time hand theMerited Rebuke to some of the Husbands and Brothers who had been makingFunny Cracks. 

It was decided to give the Star Programme at the Beadle Home, and afterthe Papers had been read then all the Men and Five Women who did nothold Office could file through the Front Room and shake Hands with thePresident, the Vice-President, the Recording Secretary, theCorresponding Secretary, the Treasurer, and the members of the variousCommittees, all of whom were to line up and Receive. 

The reason the Club decided to have the Brain Barbecue at the BeadleHome was that the Beadles had such beautiful big Rooms and Double Doors. There was more or less quiet Harpoon Work when the Announcement wasmade. Several of the Elderly Ones said that Josephine Beadle was not aRepresentative Member of the Club. She was Fair to look upon, but shewas not pulling very hard for the Uplifting of the Sex. It was suspectedthat she came to the Meetings just to Kill Time and see what the Otherswere Wearing. She refused to buckle down to Literary Work, for she was agood deal more interested in the Bachelors who filled the Windows of thenew Men's Club than she was in the Butler who wrote "Hudibras. " So whyshould she have the Honor of entertaining the Club at the AnnualMeeting? Unfortunately, the Members who had the most Doing under theirBonnets were not the ones who could come to the Front with large Roomsthat could be Thrown together, so the Beadle Home got the Great Event. 

[Illustration: THE MEN]

Every one in Town who carried a Pound of Social Influence showed up inhis or her Other Clothes. Extra Chairs had to be brought in, and whatwith the Smilax and Club Colors it was very Swell, and the Maiden in theLace Mitts who was going to write about it for the Weekly threw a coupleof Spasms. 

The Men were led in pulling at the Halters and with their Ears laidback. After they got into the Dressing Room they Stuck there until theyhad to be Shooed out. They did not know what they were going against, but they had their Suspicions. They managed to get Rear Seats or standalong the Wall so that they could execute the Quiet Sneak if Things gottoo Literary. The Women were too Flushed and Proud to Notice. 

At 8:30 P. M. The Lady President stood out and began to read a few PinkThoughts on "Woman's Destiny--Why Not?" Along toward 9:15, about thetime the Lady President was beginning to show up Good and Earnest, Josephine Beadle, who was Circulating around on the Outskirts of theThrong to make sure that everybody was Happy, made a Discovery. Shenoticed that the Men standing along the Wall and in the Doorways werenot more than sixty per cent En Rapport with the Long Piece aboutWoman's Destiny. Now Josephine was right there to see that Everybody hada Nice Time, and she did not like to see the Prominent Business Men ofthe Town dying of Thirst or Leg Cramp or anything like that, so she gavetwo or three of them the Quiet Wink, and they tiptoed after her out tothe Dining Room, where she offered Refreshments, and said they couldslip out on the Side Porch and Smoke if they wanted to. 

[Illustration: LADY PRESIDENT]

Probably they preferred to go back in the Front Room and hear some moreabout Woman's Destiny not. 

As soon as they could master their Emotions and get control of theirVoices, they told Josephine what they thought of her. They said she madethe Good Samaritan look like a Cheap Criminal, and if she would only saythe Word they would begin to put Ground Glass into the Food at Home. Then Josephine called them "Boys, " which probably does not make a Hitwith one who is on the sloping side of 48. More of the Men seemed toawake to the Fact that they were Overlooking something, so they came onthe Velvet Foot back to the Dining Room and declared themselves In, andflocked around Josephine and called her "Josie" and "Joe. " They didn'tcare. They were having a Pleasant Visit. 

Josephine gave them Allopathic Slugs of the Size that they feed you inthe Navy and then lower you into the Dingey and send you Ashore. Thenshe let them go out on the Porch to smoke. By the time the LadyPresident came to the last Page there were only two Men left in theFront Room. One was Asleep and the other was Penned In. 

The Women were Huffy. They went out to make the Men come in, and foundthem Bunched on the Porch listening to a Story that a Traveling Man hadjust brought to Town that Day. 

Now the Plan was that during the Reception the Company would stand aboutin little Groups, and ask each other what Books they liked, and make itsomething on the order of a Salon. This Plan miscarried, because all theMen wanted to hear Rag Time played by Josephine, the Life-Saver. Josephine had to yield, and the Men all clustered around her to givetheir Moral Support. After one or two Selections, they felt sufficientlyKeyed to begin to hit up those low-down Songs about Baby and Chickensand Razors. No one paid any Attention to the Lady President, who was offin a Corner holding an Indignation Meeting with the Secretary and theVice-President. 

When the Women began to sort out the Men and order them to start Homeand all the Officers of the Club were giving Josephine the frosty GoodNight, any one could see that there was Trouble ahead. 

Next Day the Club held a Special Session and expelled Josephine forConduct Unbecoming a Member, and Josephine sent Word to them as follows:"Rats. "

Then the Men quietly got together and bought Josephine about a ThousandDollars' Worth of American Beauty Roses to show that they were With her, and then Homes began to break up, and somebody started the Report thatanyway it was the Lady President's Fault for having such a long andpokey Essay that wasn't hers at all, but had been Copied out of a ClubPaper published in Detroit. 

Before the next Meeting there were two Factions. The Lady President hadgone to a Rest Cure, and the Meeting resolved itself into a Good Cry anda general Smash-Up. 

MORAL: _The only Literary Men are those who have to Work at it. _

_THE_ FABLE _OF_ WHY ESSIE'S TALL FRIEND GOT _THE_ FRESH AIR

The Owner of a Furnishing Store gave employment to a Boy with DreamyEyes, who took good care of his Nails and used Scented Soap and carrieda Pocket Looking-Glass. It was his Delight to stand in the Doorway andwatch the Girls all Color Up when they caught Sight of him. He was saidto be a Divine Waltzer at these Balls that cost the Gents 50 cents eachand the Ladies get in free. 

There was a Girl named Essie who was Hanging Around the Front of theStore about half of the Time, waiting to get a Chance to Speak to Bert. She Chewed Gum and kept her Sailor Hat pulled down to her Eyebrows andhad her Name worked out in Wire and used it as a Breastpin. After shehad waited an Hour or so, and he had Broken Away long enough to take heraside, she would want to know what it was that Net had said about her, or else she would ask why he had not Answered her Note. It was alwaysjust about as Momentous as that. 

If Essie did not come, she sent some one with a Message, and sometimesother Floor Managers with Red Neckties and Forelocks would come in tosee about the Arrangements for the next Grand Hop by the EucalyptusPleasure Club. 

[Illustration: ESSIE]

Bert was so Engrossed with his Love Affairs and the Pleasure Club andthe Bundle of Correspondence that he carried with him that he had littleTime for Furnishing Goods. It used to Annoy him considerably when anyone came in and wanted to Spend Money. He would set out the Goods in aManner that showed it to be something of a Come-Down for him to becompelled to Wait on Outsiders. While the Customer would be askingQuestions, Bert would be working the Flexible Neck to see if Essie wasstill waiting for him. Sometimes when there was a Rush he would get realCross, and if People did not Buy in a Hurry he would slam the Boxesaround and be Lippy and give them the Eye. Yet he wondered why he didnot get a Raise in Salary. 

During the Holiday Season, when the Eucalyptus Pleasure Club was simplyin a Delirium of All-Night Dances and Fried-Oyster Suppers, and whenEssie had worn a Path in the Snow coming down to tell Bert not toForget, the Proprietor decided that the Boy's Job was interfering withhis Gaiety. So when Bert came to get his Envelope the Furnisher told himhe needed more Outdoor Life and Exercise, and he had better find it bymoving around Town and looking for another Job. 

MORAL: _Omit the Essie Proposition_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ MICHIGAN COUNTERFEIT WHO WASN'T ONE THING _OR THE_OTHER

Two Travelers sat in a Sleeping Car that was fixed up with Plush andCurly-Cues until it resembled a Chambermaid's Dream of Paradise. Theywere talking about the Man who sat across the Aisle. 

"I think he is an Englishman, " said the First Traveler. 

"Why do you think so?" queried his Companion. 

"Well, in the first place his Clothes don't fit him, " replied the FirstTraveler. "I observe, also, that he has piled all his Luggage on AnotherMan's Seat, that he has opened several Windows without askingPermission, that he has expected the Porter to pay Attention to him andnobody else, and that he has Kicked at something every Thirty Secondssince we left Buffalo. "

"You make out a Strong Case, " said the Second Traveler, nodding. "I willadmit that the Suit is Fierce. Still, I maintain that he is not anEnglishman. I notice that he seems somewhat Ashamed of his Clothes. Now, if he were an Englishman, he would Glory in the Misfit. "

"Perhaps he is a Canadian, " suggested the First Traveler. 

"Impossible, " said the other. "He may be English, but he is notsufficiently British to be a Canadian. If he were a Canadian he wouldnow be singing 'Britannia Rules the Wave!' No, I insist that he is anAmerican traveling Incog. I suspect that I have Caught him with theGoods. While sitting here, I have had my Sherlock Holmes System at work. A few Moments ago he read a Joke in a Comic Paper, and the Light ofAppreciation kindled in his Eye before a full Minute had elapsed. "

[Illustration: PULLMAN CAR]

"Perhaps it was not a Comic Paper at all, " said the First Traveler. "Itmay have been Punch. Very often an Englishman will Get Next almostimmediately if the Explanation is put in Parenthesis. You have to Handit to him with a Diagram and a Map and then give him a little Time, andthen he Drops. This man is certainly an Englishman. Notice theExpression of Disapproval. He does not fancy our Farm Scenery. Get ontothe Shoes, too. They are shaped like Muffins. Then if you are still inDoubt, pay attention to the Accent. Didn't you hear him just now when hewas complaining to the Porter because the Sun was on the wrong side ofthe Car?"

"Yes, but did you hear him use 'Cahn't' and 'Glass' both in the sameSentence? When a Man Plays it Both Ways, it is a Sign that he was bornin Wisconsin and attended Harvard. I am convinced that he is not anEnglishman at all. He is probably an American who takes a Bahth in aBath-Tub. "

But the First Traveler persisted that surely the Man across the aislewas an Englishman, so they Jawed back and forth and finally made a Bet. Then the First Traveler stepped over and begged the Stranger's Pardonand asked him, as a personal favor, to Identify himself. Was he anEnglishman or an American?

"Really, that is a Hard Question to answer, " said the SurprisedStranger. "I confess with some Mortification that Father was anAmerican, but he wore Detachable Cuffs and talked about Live Stock atthe Table, so the Heirs are trying to Forget him. As nearly as we canlearn, one of my Ancestors came to this Country from Yorkshire early inthe Eighteenth Century and founded a Tannery in Massachusetts, so I feelthat I can claim an English Birthright, regardless of the interveningAncestors. My Claim is strengthened by the Fact that our Family has aRegular Coat-of-Arms. Everybody had forgotten about it for over SevenHundred Years until Sister and I hired a Man to find it. Sister is nowLady Frost-Simpson and lives on the Other Side. When she discovered hisLordship he was down to his last Dickey. She took him out of Hock, andhe is so Grateful that sometimes he lets me come and Visit them. I haveseen the Prince. "

[Illustration: ANCESTOR]

"Then you are an Englishman?" queried the Traveler who had Bet that way. 

"It is not admitted in London, " was the sorrowful Reply. "Sometimes ifFrost-Simpson has to come Home for Money while I am visiting Sister, heputs me up at the Clubs and all the Chaps seem to think I am anAmerican. I try to be exactly like them, but I fail. They say I have anAccent, although I have been working all my Life to overcome it. I havenot used the word 'Guess' for many Years. "

"Yours is a Sad Case, " remarked the Second Traveler. "Why do you evercome back?"

"To collect my Income, " was the Reply. "Isn't it a Bore? Rents and allthat sort of Rot, you know. "

"But you have not settled the Bet, " said one of the PersistentTravelers. "Are you a Yankee?"

"I have never Admitted it, and I cannot do so now, " said theBrother-in-Law of Lord Frost-Simpson. "At the same time, it is on Recordthat I was born at Pontiac, Michigan. Of course, you know What I amStriving to be. But there must be a Handicap somewhere. During the TwoHundred Years in which my Ancestors temporarily resided in the States, they must have absorbed some of the Characteristics of this Uncouth andVulgar People, and as a Result the Sins of the Father are visited uponthe Child even to the third and fourth Generations, and I cannot hold aMonocle in my Eye to save my Life. I live Abroad, and strive to Forget, and work hard to be just like the other Fellows, but I do not seem toArrive. Even in this Beastly Country, where the Imitation Articleusually passes current as the Real Thing, there seems to be some Doubtas to my Case, seeing that you two Persons have made this Bet. Concerning the Bet, I fear that I am unable to Decide it. I do not knowWhat I am. "

"I know What you are, " said the First Traveler, "but I do not dare totell you right here in the Car, because the Pullman Company has a Ruleagainst the use of such Language. "

So they declared the Bet off and went forward and sat in the Day Coach. 

MORAL: _Be Something_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ ADULT GIRL WHO GOT BUSY BEFORE THEY COULD RING_THE_ BELL _ON_ HER

Once upon a Time there was a Lovely and Deserving Girl named Clara, whowas getting so near Thirty that she didn't want to Talk about it. Everybody had a Good Word for her. She traveled with the Thoroughbreds, and was always Among Those Present; so it was hard to understand why shehadn't Married. Other Girls not as Good-Looking or Accomplished had beengrabbed off while they were Buds. Already some of them were beginning toact as Chaperons for Clara. They were keeping Tab on Clara's Age, too, and began to think that she would land on the Bargain Counter, and haveto be satisfied with a Widower who wore a Toupee and dyed his Eyebrows. 

Clara was somewhat of a Mind-Reader. She knew that the Friends of herYouth were predicting a Hard Finish for her, so she decided to Foolthem. And she knew that it Behooved her to Catch On before the Childrenstarted in to call her Auntie. 

Now it is not to be inferred that Clara was what the Underwriters call aBad Risk. She never had been a Drug on the Market. When she went to aHop she did not have to wait for Ladies' Choice in order to swing intothe Mazy. In fact, she had been Engaged now and then, just for Practice, and she had received Offers from some of the holdover Bachelors who wentaround Proposing from Force of Habit. But Clara was not out for any manwho had been Turned Down elsewhere. She wanted the Right Kind, and shewas going to do the Picking herself. 

Having made an Inventory of the Possibilities, she selected theTreasurer of the Shoe Factory, and decided that she could Love himwithout Straining herself. He was about her age, and was almost asgood-looking as a Gibson Man, and had A1 Prospects. It would be no EasyJob to Land him, however, because the Competition was very keen and hewas Wary, trying to be a Kind Friend to every Girl he knew, but playingno Favorites. He kept the Parents guessing. He had been Exposed toMatrimony so often without being Taken Down, that he was generallyregarded as an Immune. 

Clara got Busy with herself and hatched a Scheme. When all the Smart Setgot ready to pike away for the Heated Term, Clara surprised her Friendsby guessing that she would remain at Home. It was a Nervy Thing to do, because all the Social Head-Liners who could command the Price weresupposed to flit off to a Summer Hotel, and loiter on the Pine Verandaand try to think they were Recuperating. 

Clara told her Mother to go, as usual, but she would stay at Home and bea Companion to poor lonesome Papa. So all the Women went away to theResorts with their Cameras and Talcum Powder and Witch Hazel, and Clarawas left alone in Town with the Men. 

[Illustration: CLARA]

It is a Traditional Fact that there is no Social Life in Town during theDog Days. But there is nothing to prevent a Bright Girl from StartingSomething. That is what Clara did. 

She stocked up the Refrigerator, and hung a Hammock on the Lawn with afew Easy Chairs around it. The Young Men marooned in Town heard of theGood Thing, and no one had to tear their Garments to induce them tocome. They arrived at the rate of from Seven to Twelve a Night, anddipped into Papa's Cigars and the Liquid Nourishment, regardless. Although Clara had remained in town to act as Companion to Papa, it wasnoticed that when she had all the Company in the Evening, Papa eitherhad been Chloroformed and put to Bed or else he had his Orders to stayUnder Cover. 

Clara did not send for the Treasurer of the Shoe Factory. She knewbetter than to go out after her Prey. She allowed him to find his Way tothe House with the others. When he came, she did not chide him forfailing to make his Party Call; neither did she rush toward him with aLow Cry of Joy, thereby tipping her Hand. She knew that the Treasurer ofthe Shoe Factory was Next to all these Boarding School Tactics, andcould not be Handled by the Methods that go with the College Students. Clara had enjoyed about ten years' Experience in handling the Creatures, and she had learned to Labor and to Wait. She simply led him into theCircle and took his Order, and allowed him to sit there in the Gloamingand observe how Popular she was. All the men were Scrapping to see whowould be Next to sit in the Hammock with her. It looked for a while asif Clara would have to give out Checks, the same as in a Barber Shop. Late that night when the Men walked homeward together, they remarkedthat Clara was a Miserable Hostess, they didn't think. 

Next Evening the Treasurer of the Shoe Factory was back on the Lawn. Sowere all the Others. They said there was no beating a Place where youcould play Shirt-Waist Man under the Trees, and have a Fairy Queen inWhite come and push Cold Drinks at you and not have to sign any Ticket. They composed flattering Songs about Clara, and every time she movedthere was a Man right there with a Sofa Cushion to help her to beComfortable. 

[Illustration: HIGH-SCHOOL CADET]

In the mean time, the Other Girls out at the Summer Resorts were doingthe best they could with these High School Cadets, wearing Tidies aroundtheir Hats, who would rather go out in a Cat-Boat and get their armstanned than remain on Shore and win the Honest Love of an American Girl, with a String to it. 

Clara's work about this time was ever so Glossy. She began by asking theTreasurer of the Shoe Factory to come with her to the Refrigerator toget out some more Imported Ginger Ale. All the men Volunteered to help, and two or three wanted to Tag along, but Clara drove them back. 

They were gone a Long Time, because the Treasurer had to draw all theCorks, and they Fussed around together in the Pantry fixing up a Lunchfor the Boys. Clara told him how Strong and Handy he was, until he feltan increase in his Chest Measurement. 

On successive evenings she had the Treasurer supervise all theArrangements. The Hired Girl had every Evening off, because it was somuch more Jolly to go out and run the place yourself. In less than aWeek the Treasurer was giving Orders around the House. She would get himback to the Kitchen and tie an Apron around him and ask what she shoulddo next. She made him out to be the Only One who could be Trusted. Theothers were Company, but he was like one of the Family. And although hewas being Worked like Creamery Butter, he never Suspected. 

Her Game was to Domesticate him in Advance, and let him have a Foretasteof what it is to be Boss of your own House, except as to the Bills. ThePantry was full of Home Delicacies such as he couldn't get at the Hotel, and the Service was the best ever. Clara was right at his Elbow with aWilling Smile. 

It didn't take him long to realize that he was missing a lot byremaining Single. He wondered why he had been so slow in getting on toClara's Good Points. Also he wondered if it was any Open-and-ShutCertainty when a dozen other Men, some of them Younger and more Gallus, were after her in Full Cry. 

Clara had him Pulled In, Strung and Hung over the side of the Boat. 

Of course if all the other Girls had been in Town, they would haveTumbled long before it ran into a Certainty, and probably they wouldhave formed a V and rushed in to break up the Play. But the other Girlswere Far Away with the Old Men and the Seminary Striplings. Clara had anOpen Field, with no need of any Interfering or Blocking, and if she FellDown it was her own Fault. Besides, she had all these other Admirers setout as Decoys to prove that if he didn't, somebody else might. 

The Treasurer of the Shoe Factory got a large Rally on himself, and shehad to Give In and make a Promise. 

He loves to tell Callers how he proposed to his Wife in the Kitchen, andhe doesn't know to this Day that she was Expecting it. 

MORAL: _As soon as he begins to Frequent the Back Rooms of the House, measure him for the Harness_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ MAN-GRABBER WHO WENT OUT _OF_ HIS CLASS

While standing in front of his Store, between two Dummies in SeersuckerSuits, one of the Chosen People spotted a Good Thing that resembled aThree-Sheet of the Old Homestead. It was looking up at the Top Storiesand bumping against Hydrants and Unsurpassed Coffee Bulletins. The flipYahooda, with the City Education and Thirty Centuries of CommercialTraining to back him up, saw that here was a Chance to work off some OldStock. So when the mild old Gentleman with the strawcolored Sluggers andthe Freckles on his Wrists came near enough, he Closed with him and toldhim to come inside and look at a New Style called the McKinley Overcoatbecause the President had one just like it. 

Uncle Eck replied that he did not really need an Overcoat, as he hadtraded for one only a few Seasons before, but he was willing to go inand Look Around, and if he did not buy anything he reckoned therewouldn't be any Hard Feelings. Accordingly he walked straight into theTrap and permitted Mr. Zangwill to show him an Assortment of ShoddyGarments fastened together with Mucilage. The Crafty Merchant came downfrom $38 to $6. 50, and showed him a Confidential Letter from his CousinSig to prove that the Goods had been Smuggled in, but old PeacefulValley refused to Bite. He allowed the Proprietor to talk himself out, and then he walked up and down the Counters, careless-like, to see whatwas on the Shelves, and he did some quiet Figuring in a Memorandum Booksuch as they give away at Drug Stores. Before he left he had Traded 20Acres of flinty Hillside in New Hampshire for the Clothing Store, theMortgage on the Land to be Assumed by the New Owner, and he had $75 toBoot and an Agreement in Writing. 

[Illustration: THE TRAPPER]

The Hauler-In is now Clerking and trying to Hold Out enough to give himanother Start. 

MORAL: _Lower Broadway is not New England_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ INVETERATE JOKER WHO REMAINED _IN_ MONTANA

The Subject of this Fable started out in Life as a Town Cut-Up. He had akeen Appreciation of Fun, and was always playing Jokes. If he wanted afew Gum-Drops he would go into the Candy Store and get them, and thenask the Man if he was willing to take Stamps. If the Man said he was, then the Boy would stamp a couple of times, which meant that the Laughwas on the Man. It was considered a Great Sell in Those Parts. 

Or else he would go into a Grocery with another tricky Tad and get someArticle of Value, and they would pretend to Quarrel as to which shouldPay for it. One would ask the Proprietor if he cared who paid for it, and if he said he did not, they would up and tell him to Pay for itHimself. This one was so Cute that they had a little Piece in the Paperabout it. 

Or they would go and Purchase a Watermelon to be paid for as soon as aBet was decided, and afterward it would Develop that the Bet was whetherthe Saw-Mill would fall to the East or the West, in case the Wind blewit over. 

It was Common Talk that the Boy was Sharp as a Tack and Keen as a Brierand a Natural-Born Humorist. 

Once he sold a Calf to the Butcher, several Hours after the Calf hadbeen struck by Lightning. As for ordering Goods and having them chargedto his Father, that was one of the Slickest Things he ever did. 

About the time the Joker was old enough to leave Home, he traveled outthrough the Country selling Bulgarian Oats to the Farmers. When theContract for the Seed Oats got around to the Bank, it proved to be aniron-clad and double-riveted Promissory Note. The Farmer always tried toget out of Paying it, but when the Case came to Trial and the Jurorsheard how the Agent palavered the Hay-Seed they had to Snicker right outin Court. They always gave Judgment for the Practical Joker, who wouldtake them out and buy Cigars for them, and they would hit him on theBack and tell him he was a Case. 

One Day the Joker had an Inspiration, and he had to tell it to a Friend, who also was something of a Wag. 

They bought a Cat-Tail Swamp remote from Civilization and divided itinto Building Lots. The Marsh was Advertised as a Manufacturing Suburb, and they had side-splitting Circulars showing the Opera House, the DrillFactory, Public Library, and the Congregational Church. Lots were soldon the Instalment Plan to Widows, Cash-Boys, and Shirt-Factory Girls whowanted to get Rich in from fifteen to twenty Minutes. 

The Joker had a Lump of Bills in every Pocket. If asked how he made hisRoll, he would start to Tell, and then he would Choke Up, he was so fullof Laugh. He certainly had a Sunny Disposition. 

[Illustration: MANUFACTURING SUBURB]

Finally he went to the State of Montana. He believed he could have aSeason of Merriment by depositing some Valuable Ore in a Deserted Mine, and then selling the Mine to Eastern Speculators. While he was Saltingthe Mine, pausing once in a while to Control his Mirth, a few Nativescame along, and were Interested. They were a slow and uncouth Lot, withan atrophied Sense of Humor, and the Prank did not Appeal to them. Theyasked the Joker to Explain, and before he could make it Clear to them orconsult his Attorney they had him Suspended from a Derrick. He did notHang straight enough to suit, so they brought a Keg of Nails and tied tohis Feet, and then stood off and Shot at the Buttons on the Back of hisCoat. 

MORAL: _Don't Carry a Joke too far, and never Carry it into Montana_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ CRUEL INSULT _AND THE_ ARRIVAL _OF THE_ LOVER FROMNO. 6

One Morning there came into the Dining Room of the Peerless Hotel atWelby's Junction an English Tourist and the Advance Agent of the MabelMooney Repertoire Company. 

They took their Places at the Table underneath a Chromo representing aPyramid of Idealized Fruit. The Table was covered with Sail Cloth, andin the Center was the Corroded Caster, which gave out a Sound similar tothat of the Galloping Horse in the War Drama whenever any one walkedacross the Floor. 

The English Traveler appeared to have received Bad News from Home, buthe had not. That was the Normal Expression. His Mustache was long andwilted. Also the Weary Look around the Eyes. He traveled with a CowhideBag that must have used up at least one Cow. The Clothes he woreevidently had been cut from a Steamer Rug by his Mother, or some otherAged Relative suffering from Astigmatism. He had been Sleeping in them. 

As for the Second Traveler, he was an Advance Agent. 

"Cheer Up, " said the Advance Agent to the English Tourist. "It may notbe True, and if it is True it may be for the Best. "

The English Tourist made no Response, fearing that his Fellow-Travelermight be In Trade. 

[Illustration: TOURIST]

Then the One that waited on the Table did the Glide from behind aScreen. 

She was very Pale, up to a certain Point. 

Pausing about six feet from the English Tourist she looked resolutely ata Knot-Hole in the Floor and said:

"Beefsteakliverhamand. "

"My Good Woman, " said the Man from Stoke-on-Tritham, just as if he meantto Prorogue something. "I should like a Rasher of Bacon, and have itJolly Well Done. "

"Ain't got no Bacon, " she replied, feeling of her Brooch. 

"Dyuh-me! Then I should like some Boiled Eggs, and mind that they areFresh. "

"I'll give you Regular Aigs, " she said, lifting her Head proudly, forshe was no Serf. 

"Approach me, Kit, " said the Advance Agent, with gentle Voice. 

"Is tha-a-at so-o-o?" she asked. "I'll have you know, Smarty, my nameain't Kit. So There!"

"Well, make it Genevieve, " said the Advance Agent. "Come close and holdmy Hand while I give you this Order. And merely as one Friend speakingto another, I want to tell you that the Blending under the Left Ear isvery poor, and if you are not careful somebody will Sign you as aSpotted Girl. "

"My Mother was a Lady, " she said. 

"That being the Case, I would like to have you go out and Engage a nicepiece of Liver for me. And if you show yourself to be real Winsome andChic I may be able to use you with the Troupe. "

"Tea or Coffee?"

"Don't tell me which one you bring and see if I can Guess. And I wouldlike some Actual Potatoes. "

"I suppose, Sir, you think I have no Feelings. "

"That is none of my Business, " he replied. "I am merely passing throughyour Beautiful Little City. "

"I wish Edmund was here, " said she. 

"So do I, " assented the Advance Agent, promptly. "If he can wait on theTable I wish he was here. Now see if you can make the Kitchen in twoJumps. "

[Illustration: ADVANCE AGENT]

"He'd show you if you could get Flossy with a Lady, even though sheWorks. "

"You are about to lose your Tip, standing around here trying to shoot itback at the Handsome Guest, " remarked the Advance Agent. "Has Edmundabout finished his Fall Plowing?"

"He don't do no Fall Plowing, " was the Bitter Reply. "He Fires on NumberSix. "

At that Moment there entered a Railroad Boy with Braid on his Clothesand Coal-Dust on his Neck. He removed the Cap that had rested on hisflanging Ears and sat at the Table with the Advance Agent and theEnglish Tourist. 

"Feed me Everything, with One in the Light to come along, " he said. "Ifany of the Cockroaches ask for me, tell them I'm for all Night with theYellow Rattlers, and laid out at Winona. "

The English Tourist was holding his Head. 

"I guess you won't carry on so Gay since he's come, " said the SensitiveWaitress, addressing the Advance Agent. 

"Did he Call you Down?" asked Edmund, the Loving Fireman, glancing atthe Advance Agent. 

"He used me like I was the Dirt under his Feet, " she replied, placingher Hand on her Breast and biting her Lower Lip. 

"Well, it's a Good Thing, " said Edmund. "You've needed a few of themJolts ever since you had your Hand read by the Gypsy and started to readthat Bertha Clay Book. It's a good thing to have a Strong Josher comealong now and then, just to show you Proud Dolls how to take a Joke. DoI Eat?"

The Sensitive Waitress hurried Away, feeling hurt. 

"Overlook all the Phoney Acting by the Little Lady, Bud, " said theFireman to the Advance Agent. "She's only twenty-seven. "

Producing a small Note-Book, the English Traveler said: "Gentlemen, Iregard this Incident as Most Extraordinary and somewhat Mystifying. Ifear that I am not sufficiently acquainted with your Vernacular to graspthe full Purport of what has occurred here. Will you Explain it to me?"

[Illustration: WORKING GIRL]

"Did you notice the Ingenue that guaranteed you the Regular Eggs, " askedthe Advance Agent. 

"You mean the Young Woman who was here a moment ago?"

"That's the Party! You saw her?"

"Certainly. "

"Now, I'll tell you all about it, if you promise not to put it in yourBook. "

"Really, you know, I had intended to Use it, " said the Traveler. 

"All right, then; put it in, but don't use any Names. This is Under theRose, remember. The Proud Working Girl that was in here just now is mySister. "

And the Englishman was deeply Perplexed. 

MORAL: _Brothers in Name only. _

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ LODGE FIEND, _AND THE_ DELILAH TRICK PLAYED _BY_HIS WIFE

A Woman who had done nothing to Deserve it was the Wife of a Joiner. Hewas the K. G. Of one Benevolent Order and the Worshipful High Guy ofsomething else, and the Senior Warden of the Sons of Patoosh, and a lotmore that she couldn't keep track of. 

When he got on all of his Pins he had Sousa put away. 

Night after Night he was off to a Hall up a Dark Stairway to land someUnfortunate into the Blue Lodge or the Commandery or else Over the HotSands. 

He carried at least twenty Rituals in his Head, and his Hands were alltwisted out of Shape from giving so many different Grips. 

In the Morning when he came out of the House he usually found some onewaiting on the Door-Step to give him the Sign of Distress and work thefraternal Pan-Handle on him. He subscribed for the Magazines that werefull of these sparkling Chapter Reports, and after that, if he had notspent all his money going to Conclaves and Grand Lodge Meetings, he paidDues and Assessments and bought Uniforms. He had one Suit in particular, with Frogs and Cords and Gold Braid strung around over the Front of it, and then a Helmet with about a Bushel of Red Feathers. When he got intothis Rig and strapped on his Jeweled Sword he wouldn't have tradedPlaces with Nelson A. Miles. 

His Wife often said that he ought not to leave her and take up with aGoat, and that she could use on Groceries some of the Coin that he wasdevoting to Velvet Regalia and Emblematic Watch-Charms, but he alwaystried to make it Right with her by explaining that he had Insurance inmost of these Whispering Organizations, so that she and the Childrenwould come in for a whole Wad of Money. The Wife thought it was too longto wait. He seemed to be in a Fair Way to live another Century and keepon paying Assessments. 

There was no use in Arguing with him. When a Man gets to be a confirmedJoiner he is not Happy unless he can get into an unlighted Room two orthree Nights a Week, and wallop the Neophyte with a Stuffed Club, andwalk him into a Tub of Water, and otherwise Impress him with theSolemnity of the Ordeal. 

The real Joiner loves to sit up on an elevated Throne, wearing a Bib andholding a dinky Gavel, and administer a blistering Oath to the Wandererwho seeks the Privilege of helping to pay the Rent. 

To a Man who does not cut very many Lemons around his own House, wherethey are Onto him, it is a great Satisfaction to get up in a Lodge Halland put on a lot of Ceremonial Dog, and have the Members kneel in frontof him and Salute him as the Exalted Sir Knight. 

[Illustration: THE JOINER]

You take a Man who is Plugging along on a Salary, and who has to answerthe 'Phone and wrap up Tea all Day, and let him go out at Night and bean Exalted Sir, and it helps him to feel that he isn't such a Nine-Spotafter all. 

Now this particular Joiner wanted to be up on a carpeted Dais everyblessed Evening, having the Brothers march in front of him and give himthe High Office. His Wife, being unacquainted with the Secrets of theLodge Room, was unable to understand why he was so Fascinated with theLife. She was exceedingly Inquisitive and often tried to Pump him by themost Artful Methods, but of course he did not dare to Divulge or hisRight Arm would have Withered and his Tongue would have Cleaved to theRoof of his Mouth, and he would have been an Outcast on the Face of theEarth, despised by all other Members of the Royal Tararum. Now and thenhe Talked in his Sleep, and she caught Expressions in regard to Brandinghim on the Other Leg or putting him back into the Coffin, and herCuriosity was intensified. 

One day she read in a Veracious Newspaper that if the Left Hand of aSleeping Person be immersed in Tepid Water, then the Sleeper willtruthfully answer any Question that may be asked. She resolved to try iton her Husband. She was dying to know what they Said and Did at LodgeMeetings that would keep a Man away from Home so many Nights in theWeek. 

That Night after he had come home from the Odd Fellows and passed intoSlumber she crept out and took a Low Advantage of him. She slid his LeftHand into a bowl of Warm Water without arousing him, and he Gave Up. Hetold all the Passwords, the Secret Mottoes, the Oaths, the Meaning ofthe Symbols and the Unwritten Work. When he had finished she had aNotion to Ring for a Night Cab and go Home to her own Family, but herBetter Judgment prevailed. She concluded that she would have to continueto Live with him, no matter what she Thought of him. 

She never dared to tell that she Knew, and he never Suspected. Husbandnever guessed why it was that when he started out for an Evening withthe Skeletons and the Candidates she stood back and smiled at him morein Pity than in Anger. 

MORAL: _It's a Good Thing they don't Know_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ APPREHENSIVE SPARROW _AND_ HER DAILY ESCAPE

Once there was a Proper little Female who Fluttered and was interestedin Movements. She was born the Year that Fremont ran against Buchanan. All she knew about Spooning was what she had Read in Ella WheelerWilcox. Time and again she said that if a Man ever attempted to TakeLiberties with her, she knew she would Die of Mortification. At LastReports she was Living, but she had Courted Death at least FifteenHundred Times. 

If a Strange Man came up behind her while she was walking Homeward inthe Dusk, she always gave a Timid Glance behind and Hurried, suspectingthat he would Overtake her and seize her by both Wrists and tell her notto Scream. She would reach her own Door and lean against it, almost in aSwoon, and the Strange Man would pass by, softly Humming to Himself. 

Occasionally an Adventurer with Coal-Black Eyes and a Suspicious Mannerwould come and sit right beside her in a Car, evidently for somePurpose, and she would close her Lips tightly and resolve to do a SteveBrodie out of the Window if she saw his Hand slipping over toward Hers. Fortunately, the man kept his Eyes on the Sporting Page and made noMove. 

If she happened to be in the Waiting-Room at the Station, and a coarsebut masterful Claim Agent, or some one else equally Terrifying, happenedto come across the Room at her, she could feel her Little Heart standstill, and she would say, "This is where I get it. " After he had gonepast, on his way to the Check-Room, she would put some Camphor on herHandkerchief and declare to Goodness that never again would she startout to Travel unless she had some Older Person with her. 

[Illustration: THE SPARROW]

More than once when she was at Home, with only a few other Personsaround the House, she saw a Large Man come up the Front Steps, and shewould be Frozen with Terror, and could see herself being lifted into aClosed Carriage by the Brutal Confederates. She would slip a Pair ofScissors under her Apron and creep to the Front Door, prepared to Resistwith all her Girlish Strength, and the Man would have to talk to herthrough the Door, and ask where they wanted the Coal delivered. 

Now and then a Caller would find her Reviving herself with a Cup of Tea. 

The Caller would say: "Madge, Child, you are as Pale as a Ghost. "

Madge would reply: "Oh, I have just had such a Turn! I was out wateringthe Nasturtiums, when a Man in a Crash Suit came along the Street andlooked right at me. The Gate was open, and there was nothing to preventhim from coming right in and Getting me. "

The Appalled Visitor would want to know what became of him, and Madgewould explain that he turned at the Next Corner, and she had been asWeak as a Cat ever since. 

On her Shopping Expeditions she noticed Dozens of Men, apparentlyTrailing right along after her, and she knew that her only Salvation wasto look straight ahead and indicate by her Bearing that she was noFlirt. By so doing she eluded many a one who wanted to Catch Step withher and begin a Conversation. 

The Collected Stories of her Successful but Hair-Breadth Escapes fromMen of the World, who seemed to Forget that all Women were not Alike, would have filled a Volume bigger than the Family Medicine Book. 

Happily, no one ever went Quite So Far. She invariably Escaped. 

MORAL: _Don't Worry. _

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ REGULAR CUSTOMER _AND THE_ COPPER-LINED ENTERTAINER

One day the Main Works of a Wholesale House was Jacking Up the PrivateSecretary and getting ready to close his desk for the Day, when in blewa Country Customer. The Head of the Concern would have given SevenDollars if he could have got out and caught the Elevated before theCountry Customer showed up. However, he was Politic, and he knew he mustnot throw down a Buyer who discounted his Bills and was good as OldWheat. So he gave a Correct Imitation of a Man who is tickled nearly toDeath. After calling the Country Customer "Jim, " he made him sit downand tell him about the Family, and the Crops, and Collections, and theProspects for Duck-Shooting. Then, selecting an opportune moment, hethrew up Both Hands. He said he had almost forgotten the Vestry Meetingat Five O'clock, and going out to Dinner at Six-Thirty. He was about toCall Off the Vestry Meeting, the Dinner, and all other Engagements for aWeek to come, but Jim would not Listen to it. As a Compromise the Headof the Concern said he would ask their Mr. Byrd to take charge of theCountry Customer. They could surely find some Way of putting in theEvening. He said the Oratorio Club war going to sing at Music Hall, andalso there was a Stereopticon Lecture on India. Jim said he would preferthe Stereopticon Show, because he loved to look at Pictures. 

The Head of the Concern said that the Country Customer would be sure tolike their Mr. Byrd. Everybody liked Byrd. His Full Name was Mr. KnightByrd. 

He pushed on a few Buttons and blew into several snaky Tubes and put thewhole Shop on the Jump to find Mr. Byrd. The latter happened to be in aRathskeller not far away. When he heard that there was Work to be donein his Department he brushed away the Crumbs and Hot-Footed up to seethe Boss. 

In presenting Mr. Byrd to the Country Customer the Head of the Concernlaid it on with a Shovel. He said that Jim Here was his Friend, and theHouse considered it an Honor to Entertain him. The Country Customer satthere feeling Sheepish and Unworthy but a good deal Puffed Up just thesame. Then the Head of the Firm made his Escape and the Country Customerwas in the Hands of Mr. Byrd. 

Mr. Byrd was known in the Establishment as the Human Expense Account. Noone had ever accused him of being a Quitter. He was supposed to beHollow inside. Whenever any Friend of the Firm showed up, Mr. Byrd wascalled upon to take charge of him and Entertain him to a Stand-Still. The Boss was troubled with Dyspepsia, and Conscientious Scruples, and aGrowing Family, and a few other Items that prevented him from going outat Night with the Visiting Trade. He had it arranged to give each one ofthem a choice Mess of Beautiful Language and then pass him along to Mr. Byrd. 

Mr. Byrd was a Rosy and Red-Headed Gentleman, with a slight Overhangbelow the Shirt Front. He breathed like a Rusty Valve every time he hadto go up a Stairway, but he had plenty of Endurance of another Kind. ForYears he had been playing his Thirst against his Capacity, and it wasstill a Safe Bet, whichever Way you wanted to place your Money. HisBatting Average was about Seven Nights to the Week. He discovered thatAlcohol was a Food long before the Medical Journals got onto it. 

Mr. Byrd's chief value to the Wholesale House lay in the Fact that hecould Meet all Comers and close up half the Places in Town, and thenshow up next Morning with a Clean Collar and a White Carnation, and sendin word to lead out another Country Customer. 

Mr. Byrd's first Move was to take Jim to a Retreat that was full ofStatuary and Paintings. It was owned by a gray-haired Beau named Bob, who was a Ringer for a United States Senator, all except the White Coat. Bob wanted to show them a new Tall One called the Mamie Taylor, andafter they had Sampled a Couple Jim said it was all right and hebelieved he would take one. Then he told Bob how much he had taken inthe Year before and what his Fixtures cost him, and if anybody didn'tthink he was Good they could look him up in Bradstreet or Dun, that wasall. He said he was a Gentleman, and that no Cheap Skate in a Plug Hatcould tell him where to Get Off. This last Remark was intended for aninoffensive Person who had slipped in to get a Rhine Wine and Seltzer, and was pronging about Forty Cents' Worth of Lunch. 

They got around Jim and Quieted him, and Mr. Byrd suggested that they goand Eat something before they got too Busy. The Country Customer wouldnot leave the Art Buffet until Bob had promised to come down and Visithim sometime. When they got into the Street again the Country Customernoticed that all the Office Buildings were set on the Bias, and theywere introducing a new style of spiral Lamp-Post. 

They dined at a Palm-Garden that had Padding under the Table-Cloth and aHungarian Orchestra in the Corner. Mr. Byrd ordered Eleven Courses, andthen asked Jim what Kind he usually had with his Dinner. This is anAwful Question to pop at a Man who has been on Rain Water and Buttermilkall his Life. Jim was not to be Fazed. He said that he never ordered anyParticular Label for fear People might think he was an Agent. That wasthe Best Thing that Jim said all Evening. 

Mr. Byrd told the Waiter to stand behind Jim and keep Busy. When Jimbegan to Make Signs that he could not Stand any more, the Entertainertold him to Inhale it and rub it in his Hair. 

[Illustration: "HOORAY! HOORAY!"]

Along toward Dessert Jim was talking in the Tone used by Muggsy McGrawwhen he is Coaching the Man who is Playing Off from Second. He wastelling how much he Loved his Wife. She would have been Pleased to hearit. 

Mr. Byrd paid a Check that represented One Month's Board down where Jimlived. They fell into a Horseless Hansom and went to see the Hity-TityVariety and Burlesque Aggregation in a new Piece entitled "Hooray!Hooray!" Jim sat in a Box for the First Time, and wanted to throw Moneyon the Stage. The Head Usher had to come around once in a while to askhim not to let his Feet hang over, and to remember that the Companycould do all the Singing without any Help from him. Mr. Byrd sat backslightly Flushed and watched the Country Customer make a Show ofhimself. It was an Old Story to him. He knew that the quiet SchoolTrustee kind of a Man who goes Home at Sundown for 364 Days in the Year, with the Morning Steak and a Roll of Reading Matter under his Arm, isthe worst Indian in the World when he does find himself among the TallHouses and gets it Up his Nose. 

He allowed Jim to stand and Yell when the Chorus struck the GrandFinale, and a little later on, when they had chartered a low-neckedCarriage and Jim wanted to get up and Drive, he Stood for it, althoughhe had to make a Pretty Talk to a couple of Policemen before he landedJim at the Hotel. 

If this were a Novel, there would be a Row of Stars inserted right here. 

The Sun was high in the Heavens when the Country Customer opened hisEyes and tried to Remember and then tried to Forget. Some one wassitting at his Bedside. It was Mr. Byrd, the Long-Distance Entertainer, looking as Sweet and Cool as a Daisy. 

"Before I give you the Photograph of Myself which you requested lastNight, would you care for anything in the way of Ice Water?" he asked. 

Jim did a sincere Groan, and said he could use a Barrel of it. 

"Did I request a Photograph?" he asked, as he felt for the Boundaries ofhis Head. 

[Illustration: JIM]

"You did, " replied the Entertainer. "And you gave me your Watch as aKeepsake. I have brought the Watch and all the Money you had left afteryou bought the Dog. "

"What Dog?"

"The Dog that you gave to Bob. "

"Did we go back there again? I remember the First Time. "

"Yes, it was In There that you wanted to Run a Hundred Yards with anyMan Present for Chalk, Money, or Marbles. "

"Where are we now--at the Hotel?"

"Yes, and Everything is Smoothed Over. The Night Clerk has agreed not toswear out a Warrant. "

Jim did not Comprehend, but he was afraid to Ask. 

"It may be that I was a mite Polluted, " he suggested. 

"You were a teeny bit Pickled about Two, when you tried to upset theLunch Wagon, but I don't think any one Noticed it, " said Mr. Byrd. 

"Take me to the Noon Train, " requested the Country Customer. "Tell theConductor where I live, and send me the Bills for all that I haveBroken. "

"Everything is Settled, " responded the Entertainer. "But why Tearyourself away?"

"I am Through, " replied Jim, "So why Tarry?"

Mr. Byrd took him to the Train and arranged with the Porter of theParlor Car for a Pillow. 

When the Country Customer arrived at Home he accounted for the Eyes bysaying that the Night Traffic makes so much Noise on these Hard StonePavements, it is almost impossible to get the usual amount of Sleep. 

The Head of the Concern put his O. K. On a Voucher for $43. 60, and itoccurred to him that Stereopticon Lectures seemed to be Advancing, buthe asked no Questions. 

Ever after that Jim bought all his Goods of this one House. He had to. 

MORAL: _Scatter Seeds of Kindness_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF_ LUTIE, _THE_ FALSE ALARM, _AND_ HOW SHE FINISHED ABOUT_THE_ TIME _THAT_ SHE STARTED

Lutie was an Only Child. When Lutie was eighteen her Mother said theyought to do something with Lutie's Voice. The Neighbors thought so, too. Some recommended killing the Nerve, while others allowed that it oughtto be Pulled. 

But what Mamma meant was that Lutie ought to have it Cultivated by aProfessor. She suspected that Lutie had a Career awaiting her, and wouldtravel with an Elocutionist some day and have her Picture on theProgramme. 

Lutie's Father did not warm up to the Suggestion. He was rather Nearwhen it came to frivoling away the National Bank Lithographs. But pshaw!The Astute Reader knows what happens in a Family when Mother and theOnly Child put their Heads together to whipsaw the Producer. One Daythey shouldered him into a Corner and extorted a Promise. Next Day Lutiestarted to Take. 

She bought a red leather Cylinder marked "Music, " so that people wouldnot take it to be Lunch. Every Morning about 9 o'clock she would wavethe Housework to one side and tear for a Trolley. 

Her Lessons cost the Family about twenty cents a Minute. She took themin a large Building full of Vocal Studios. People who didn't know usedto stop in front of the Place and listen, and think it was a SurgicalInstitute. 

There were enough Soprani in this one Plant to keep Maurice Grau stockedup for a Hundred Years. Every one thought she was the Particular One whowould sooner or later send Melba back to Australia and drive Sembrichinto the Continuous. Lutie was just about as Nifty as the Next One. 

When she was at Home she would suck Lemons and complain about Draughtsand tell why she didn't like the Other Girls' Voices. She began to actlike a Prima Donna, and her Mother was encouraged a Lot. Lutie certainlyhad the Artistic Temperament bigger than a Church Debt. 

Now before Lutie started in to do Things to her Voice she occasionallyHeld Hands with a Young Man in the Insurance Business, named Oliver. This Young Man thought that Lutie was all the Merchandise, and sheregarded him as Permanent Car-Fare. 

But when Lutie began to hang out at the Studios she took up with theMusical Set that couldn't talk about anything but Technique and Shadingand the Motif and the Vibrato. She began to fill up the Parlor with hernew Friends, and the first thing Oliver knew he was in the Side Pocketand out of the Game. 

In his own Line this Oliver was as neat and easy-running as a Red Buggy, but when you started him on the topic of Music he was about as light andspeedy as a Steam Roller. Ordinarily he knew how to behave himself in aFlat, and with a good Feeder to work back at him he could talk aboutShows and Foot-Ball Games and Things to Eat, but when any one tried todraw him out on the Classics, he was unable to Qualify. 

[Illustration: LUTIE]

When Lutie and her Musical acquaintances told about Shopan and Batovenhe would sit back so quiet that often he got numb below the Hips. He wasafraid to move his Feet for fear some one would notice that he was stillin the Parlor and ask him how he liked Fugue No. II, by Bock. He hadnever heard of any of these People, because they did not carry TontinePolicies with his Company. 

Oliver saw that he would have to Scratch the Musical Set or else beginto Read Up, so he changed his Route. He canceled all Time with Lutie, and made other Bookings. 

Lutie then selected for her Steady a Young Man with Hair who played the'Cello. He was so wrapped up in his Art that he acted Dopey most of thetime, and often forgot to send out the Laundry so as to get it back thesame Week. Furthermore, he didn't get to the Suds any too often. Henever Saw more than $3 at one time; but when he snuggled up alongside ofa 'Cello and began to tease the long, sad Notes out of it, you couldtell that he had a Soul for Music. Lutie thought he was Great, but whatLutie's Father thought of him could never get past the Censor. Lutie'sFather regarded the whole Musical Set as a Fuzzy Bunch. He began tothink that in making any Outlay for Lutie's Vocal Training he had boughta Gold Brick. When he first consented to her taking Lessons his Beliefwas that after she had practiced for about one Term she would be able tosit up to the Instrument along in the Dusk before the Lamps were lit, and sing "When the Corn is Waving, Annie Dear, " "One Sweetly SolemnThought, " or else "Juanita. " These were the Songs linked in his Memorywith some Purple Evenings of the Happy Long Ago. He knew they wereChestnuts, and had been called in, but they suited him, and he thoughtthat inasmuch as he had put up the Wherewith for Lutie's Lessons heought to have some kind of a Small Run for his Money. 

Would Lutie sing such Trash? Not she. She was looking for DifficultArias from the Italian, and she found many a one that was Difficult tosing, and probably a little more Difficult to Listen To. 

The Voice began to be erratic, also. When father wanted to sit by theStudent's Lamp and read his Scribner's, she would decide to hammer thePiano and do the whole Repertoire. 

But when Mother had Callers and wanted Lutie to Show Off, then she wouldhang back and have to be Coaxed. If she didn't have a Sore Throat, thenthe Piano was out of Tune, or else she had left all of her Good Music atthe Studio, or maybe she just couldn't Sing without some one toAccompany her. But after they had Pleaded hard enough, and everybody wasEmbarrassed and sorry they had come, she would approach the Pianotimidly and sort of Trifle with it for a while, and say they would haveto make Allowances, and then she would Cut Loose and worry the wholeBlock. The Company would sit there, every one showing the Parlor Faceand pretending to be entranced, and after she got through they wouldCome To and tell her how Good she was. 

She made so many of these Parlor Triumphs that there was no Holding her. She had herself Billed as a Nightingale. Often she went to Soirees andClub Entertainments, volunteering her Services, and nowhere did she meeta Well-Wisher who took her aside and told her she was a Shine--in fact, the Champion Pest. 

[Illustration: CRITIC]

No, Lutie never got out of her Dream until she made a bold Sashay with aConcert Company. It was her Professional Debut. 

Father fixed it. The Idea of any one paying Real Money to hear Lutiesing struck him as being almost Good enough to Print. But she wouldn'tbe Happy until she got it, and so she Got It right where the NewportLady wears the Rope of Pearls. 

On the First Night the mean old Critics, who didn't know her Father orMother, and had never been entertained at the House, came and got in theFront Row, and defied Lutie to come on and Make Good. Next Morning theysaid that Lutie had Blow-Holes in her Voice; that she hit the Key onlyonce during the Evening, and then fell off backward; that she was a Ham, and her Dress didn't fit her, and she lacked Stage Presence. Theyexpressed Surprise that she should be attempting to Sing when any brightGirl could learn to pound a Type-Writer in Four Weeks. They wanted toknow who was responsible for her Appearance, and said it was a Shame toString these Jay Amateurs. Lutie read the Criticisms, and went intoNervous Collapse. Her Mother was all Wrought Up, and said somebody oughtto go and kill the Editors. Father bore up grimly. 

Before Lutie was Convalescent he had the Difficult Italian Arias cartedout of the house. The 'Cello Player came to call one Day, and he wasgiven Minutes to get out of the Ward. 

By the time Oliver looked in again Lutie was more than ready to pay someAttention to him. She is now doing a few quiet Vocalizations for herFriends. When some one who hasn't Heard tells her that she is goodenough for Opera, they have to open the Windows and give her more Air. 

MORAL: _When in Doubt, try it on the Box-office_. 

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ COTILLON LEADER _FROM THE_ HUCKLEBERRY DISTRICT_WITH THE_ INTERMITTENT MEMORY

A Young Man who had made a Sudden Winning, and was beginning to act asShawl-Holder and Emergency Errand-Boy for the Society Queens, seemed tohave a great deal of Trouble with his Memory. If he met Any One who hadstarted with him a few Years before, and who used to Stake him to aMeal-Ticket now and then, or let him have a Scarf-Pin when he had to goout and make a Front, he could not appear to remember the Man's Name ortell where he had seen him before. When he was in a Loge at thePlay-House with Exclusive Ethel and her Friends, he might look down inthe Parquette and see the Landlady who had carried him through a HardWinter and accepted a Graceful Wave of the Hand when she really neededthe Board Money, but he found it impossible to Place her. Even thePeople who came from his own Town, and who knew him when he was gettingFive a Week and wearing Celluloid Cuffs, and who could relate the FamilyHistory if they wanted to Knock, they couldn't make him Remember, evenwhen they stopped him on the Street and recalled such Humiliations asthe Time he used to pick Cherries on the Shares, and how Odd he lookedin his Brother's Made-Over Clothes. 

[Illustration: AFFECTIONATE MASSAGE]

This Young Man buried the Dead Past until his Memory was a Blank for thewhole Period up to the Time that the President of the Fidelity Nationalinvited him to Dinner and he got his first Peek at a sure-enough Butler. 

He had been a Genuine Aristocrat for about Eighteen Months, when he madea Mis-step and landed with his Face in the Gravel. The GiganticEnterprise which he had been Promoting got into the Public Prints as aPipe Dream. There was no more Capital coming from the Angels. He wasback at the Post, with nothing to Show for his Bold Dash except aWardrobe and an Appetite for French Cooking. Society gave him the FrozenFace, and all those who had been speaking of him as a Young Napoleonagreed that he was a Dub. The Banks were trying to Collect on a lot ofSlow Notes that he had floated in his Palmy Days, and they had a ProudChance to Collect. He went into the Bankruptcy Court and Scheduled$73, 000 of Liabilities, the Assets being a Hat-Box and a Set ofTheatrical Posters. 

When he had to go out and Rustle for a Job he was a Busy Hand-Shakeronce more. The Blow seemed to have landed right on the Bump of Memory, and put his Recollecting Department into full Operation again. He couldspot an Old Pal clear across the Street. He was rushing up to ObscureCharacters that he had not seen in Eight Years, and he called each oneof them "Old Man. " It was now their Turn to do the Forgetful Business. The Tablets of his Memory read as clear as Type-Writing. Upon meetingany Friend of his Boyhood he did the Shoulder-Slap, and rang in the AuldLang Syne Gag. He was so Democratic he was ready to Borrow from theHumblest. The same Acquaintances who had tried to Stand In with him whenThings were coming his Way, were cutting off Street-Corners and gettingdown behind their Newspapers to escape the Affectionate Massage, beginning at the Hand and extending to the Shoulder-Blade. It was NoUse. He remembered them all, and no one got Past him. 

MORAL: _Don't begin to Forget until you have it in Government Bonds. _

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ HE-GOSSIP _AND THE_ MAN'S WIFE _AND THE_ MAN

Once upon a time there was a He-Gossip named Cyrenius Bizzy. Mr. Bizzywas Middle-Aged and had a Set of dark Chinchillas. He carried aGold-Headed Cane on Sunday. His Job on this Earth was to put on a pairof Pneumatic Sneakers every Morning and go out and Investigate OtherPeople's Affairs. 

He called himself a Reformer, and he did all his Sleuthing in the lineof Duty. 

If he heard of a Married Man going out Cab-Riding after Hours or playingHearts for Ten Cents a Heart or putting a Strange Woman on the Car, heknew it was his Duty to edge around and slip the Information to some onewho would carry it to the Wife. He was such a Good Man himself that hewanted all the other Men to wear long sable Belshazzars on theSub-Maxillary and come to him for Moral Guidance. If they would not doit, the only Thing left for him to do was to Warn their Families now andthen and get them into Hot Water, thus demonstrating that theTransgressor must expect Retribution to fall on him with quite a Crash. 

Sometimes he would get behind a Board Fence to see the Wife of thePostmaster break off a Yellow Rose and pass it over the Gate to theSuperintendent of the High School. Then he would Hustle out on his Beatand ask People if they had heard the Talk that was Going Around. Ofcourse it Grieved him to be compelled to Peddle such Stories, but he hadto do it in the Interests of Morality. If Folks did not have a PiousProtector to spot Worldly Sin and then get after it with a Sharp Stick, the Community would probably go to the Dogs in less than no time. Whenhe had a Disagreeable Task to Perform, such as letting a Merchant knowthat his Business Partner had been seen slightly Sprung at a Picnic, healways wished to get through with it as quickly as possible, so usuallyhe Ran. He did not want any one else to beat him there, because theOther Fellow might not get it Right. 

[Illustration: THE SCANDAL]

Next Door to Cyrenius Bizzy there lived a Family that needed Regulating. Cyrenius Bizzy knew that he had been Called to do the Regulating. TheFamily had too much Fun to suit Cy. The Neighbor never came over to askMr. Bizzy how late they had better Sit Up, or what Young Men the Girlsought to invite to the House. Cyrenius would have been glad to fix up aSet of Rules, for he was a Bureau of Advice, open at all Hours. He couldtell People just how much Money they ought to Save every Week, and howoften they ought to Lick the Children, and so on. But the Family thatlived Next Door made Loud Sport of Mr. Bizzy, and had no use for hisCounsel. They played Authors right in the Front Room with the Curtainsup, and they Danced the Two-Step so that he could be sure to see it fromwhere he was hidden behind the Evergreen Tree, and they ran theIce-Cream Freezer on Sunday Morning, and sang College Songs nearly everyEvening. 

It kept the He-Gossip on the Go most of the time to let the Neighborhoodknow all the Details of these Debauches. It did very little Good. TheFamily did not want to be Reformed. He even wrote Anonymous Letterstelling them how Depraved they were. They were so Brazen and Hardenedthey paid no Attention except to give him the Rowdy Hee-Ho when they sawhim pottering around the Shrubbery in his Front Yard, pretending to beat Work, but really doing the Pinkerton Act, and keeping one Ear spreadfor a nice, juicy Bit of Scandal. 

[Illustration: THE HE-GOSSIP]

Mr. Bizzy watched the Family at all Hours of the Day and Night for manyMonths. Although convinced that they were Children of Belial and prettyHard Nuts in general, he still hoped to Rescue them. He wondered if hecould not Appeal to the Man's Wife. She was a Daughter of Iniquity, allright, but maybe she might listen to an Entreaty if it came from one whowas Pure, and who could point out to her in Fatherly Kindness that shewas leading her Family on a Short Cut to the Weeping and Wailing andGnashing of Teeth. 

One Day Mr. Bizzy got a quiet Tip from another Moral Detective, that theMan had stayed out until 2 A. M. , at a Banquet given to a MilitiaCompany, so he knew it was Time for him to Act. He lay in Ambush untilthe Coast was Clear, and then he went across the Dead-Line and caughther on the Piazza. She was Surprised to see him. 

He told her all the Reports he had heard about her Husband, and said hewas Sorry for her. He wondered if they couldn't get together a few ofthe Respectable Men and Women of the Neighborhood, and have a Talk withthe Husband, and try to Pluck him as a Brand from the Burning. Shelistened with that Ominous Calm which always precedes the Iowa Cyclonethat takes the Roof off the Court House and moves the Poor Farm into theAdjoining County. She said she would take her Husband aside and have aConfidential Chat with him, and if he wanted to be Plucked, then shewould call in the Cyrenius Bizzy Association of Pluckers. 

The He-Gossip went Home feeling that he was entitled to a Pedestal rightin between Savonarola and Martin Luther. 

When the Man came Home his Wife told him. He murmured something aboutthe Last Straw and moved swiftly out of doors. Pulling up the RoverStake from the Croquet Grounds as he ran, he cleared the Dividing Fencewithout touching his Hands and began to Clean House. In about a Secondthere was a Sound as if somebody had stubbed his Toe and dropped aCrockery Store. Then Cyrenius was seen to Break the Record for theRunning Long Jump, off the Front Stoop into an Oleander Tub, whilewearing a Screen Door. After him came the Worldly Husband. For severalMinutes the Copse where once the Garden smiled was full of He-Gossip andCries for Help. 

[Illustration: A MAN]

When the Man came back to where his Wife stood with her Hand on herHeart, he reported that the He-Gossip would be found on top of theGrape-Arbor. 

MORAL: _Any one hoping to do Something in the Rescue Line had better gofurther than Next Door. _

_THE_ FABLE _OF THE_ AUTHOR WHO WAS SORRY _FOR_ WHAT HE DID _TO_ WILLIE

An Author was sitting at his Desk trying to pull himself together andgrind out Any Old Thing that could be converted into Breakfast Food. Itwas his Off Day, however. His Brain felt as if some one had played aMean Trick on him and substituted a Side-Order of Cauliflower. All hecould do was to lean up against his Desk and make marks and Piffle hisTime away. Between Scribbles he wrote a few Verses about, "When WillieCame to say Good Night. " It was a Sad Effort. He made it almost as Saltyas a Mother Song and filled it with Papa and Mamma and the Patter ofBaby Feet. He used Love-Light and the Evening Prayer and theHeart-Strings and other venerable Paraphernalia. He had to commitInfanticide to make it Weepy enough for the last Stanza. The Authorwrote this Stuff merely to Get Back at himself and see how Sloppy hecould be. He did not intend to Print it, because he was not a Vendor ofDeath-Beds, and he shrank from making any violent Assault on theSensibilities. So he tossed the Idle Product into the Waste-Basket andwondered if he was biginning to lose his Mind. With that Poem in hisRight Hand he could have walked into Bloomingdale and no QuestionsAsked. 

While he was still Backing Up and Jockeying for a Fair Start at hisDay's Work, A Friend came in and sat on the Edge of the Desk, and toldhim to go right ahead and not pay any Attention. 

Seeing the Crumpled Paper in the Basket, the Friend, who wasInquisitive, hooked it out and read the Lines. Presently, when theAuthor looked up, the Friend had big Tears rolling down his Cheeks andwas Sniffling. 

"This is the Best Thing you have ever done, " said the Friend. "My God, but it is Pathetic! It will certainly Appeal to any one who has lost aChild. "

"I have no desire to Manufacture any more Sorrow for the Bereaved, " saidthe Author. "They have had Trouble enough. If I have to deal in WhiteCaskets or tap the Lachrymal Glands in order to thrash out an Income, Iwill cease being an Author and go back to Work. "

"But this Poem will touch any Heart, " insisted the Friend. "As soon as Igot into it I began to Cry. You can get a Good Price for this. "

When it came down to a Business Basis, the Author Switched. 

"Get what you can on it, " he said. "It seems a Shame to go and Marketthat kind of Scroll-Work; still if it hits you, it may be Bad enough toaffect others having the same Shape of Head. I need the Money and I haveno Shame. "

Thereupon the Friend sent the Verses to the Publisher of a FamilyMonthly that Percolates into every Postoffice in the Country. In a fewDays there came a tear-stained Acceptance and a Check. The Author saidit was just like Finding $22. 50, and he thought that was the End of it. 

[Illustration: LANTERN SLIDE]

But when the Verses came out in the Monthly he began to get Letters fromall parts of the United States telling him how much Suffering andOpening of Old Wounds had been caused by his little Poem about Willieand how Proud he ought to be. Many who wrote expressed Sympathy for him, and begged him to Bear Up. These Letters dazed the Author. He never hadowned any Boy named Willie. He did not so much as Know a Boy namedWillie. He lived in an Office Building with a lot of Stenographers andBill Clerks. If he had been the Father of a Boy named Willie, and Williehad ever come to tell him "Good Night" when he was busy at SomethingElse, probably he would have jumped at Willie and snapped a piece out ofhis Arm. Just the Same, the Correspondents wrote to him from All Over, and said they could read Grief in every Line of his Grand Composition. 

That was only the Get-Away. The next thing he knew, some Composer inPhiladelphia had set the Verses to Music and they were sung on the Stagewith colored Lantern-Slide Pictures of little Willie telling Papa "GoodNight" in a Blue Flat with Lace Curtains on the Windows and a SouvenirCabinet of Chauncey Olcott on the What-Not. The Song was sold at MusicStores, and the Author was invited out to Private Houses to hear itSung, but he was Light on his Feet and Kept Away. 

Several Newspapers sent for his Picture, and he was asked to write aSunday Article telling how and why he did it. He was asked to ContributeVerses of the same General Character to various Periodicals. Sometimeshe would get away by himself and read the Thing over again, and shakehis Head and Remark: "Well, if they are Right, then I must be Wrong, butto me it is Punk. "

He had his Likeness printed in Advertisements which told the Public toread what the Author of "Willie's Good Night" had to say about theirLithia Water. Some one named a light, free-smoking Five-Cent Cigar afterhim, and he began to see Weird Paintings on the Dead Walls, and wasAshamed to walk along those Streets. 

[Illustration: LITTLE FERN]

It came out that one of the Frohmans wanted to Dramatize theMasterpiece, and it was Rumored that Stuart Robson, Modjeska, Thomas Q. Seabrooke, Maude Adams, Dave Warfield, and Walker Whiteside had beenrequested to play the Part of Willie. 

Every morning the Author would get up and say to himself that it couldnot go on much longer. He felt sure that the Public would come to itsSenses some Day, and get after him with a Rope, but it didn't. His Famecontinued to Spread and Increase. All those Persons who had not Read itclaimed that they had, so as to be in Line, and he had the same oldFloral Tributes handed to him Day after Day. 

It was Terrible. He had gone to College and spent a large amount ofMoney irrigating and fertilizing his Mind, and he had Dreamed of writingSomething that would be Strong enough for Charles Dudley Warner'sLibrary of the World's Warmest Copy, in a Limited Edition of 20, 000; butinstead of landing with the Heavy-Weights he seemed Destined to achieveGreatness as the Author of a Boy's Size Poem, bearing about the sameRelation to the Literature of the Ages that a May Howard Window Hangerdoes to Pure Art. He was Famous until he couldn't rest, but it was notthe Brand he had Coveted. 

He decided to Live It Down. He would Produce something Serious andMeritorious that would throw "Willie's Good Night" into the Shade. So helabored for Two Years on a Novel that analyzed Social Conditions, andevery Reviewer said that here was a Volume by the Author of "Willie'sGood Night. " The Purchasers of the Book expected to take it Home andRead it and Weep. When they found that it did not contain any Dark Skiesor Headstones, they felt that they had been Bilked out of $1. 50 each. Itwas Suggested that the Author of "Willie's Good Night" was losing hisGrip and seemed to have Written Himself Out. 

He was not wholly Discouraged. He went out Lecturing on the Occult, justto prove to People that he had been Misjudged. The Local Chairman alwaysintroduced him as the Celebrated Author of "Willie's Good Night. "Frequently he was Dragged away to a Home to meet all the Big Guns of oneof these Towns that call a Lecture a Show. After he had been onExhibition for a Half Hour or so, the same as the Albino or the Man withthe Elastic Skin in the Main Curio Hall, the Host would clear a Space inthe Center of the Room and announce that he was about to spring aDelightful Surprise on their Distinguished Guest. Little Fern, theDaughter of the County Recorder, was going to Speak "Willie's GoodNight. "

There are Times and Times, but those were the Times when he sufferedAgony that went beyond the Limit. 

The Author always knew the Verses were Bad enough to be Wicked, but henever guessed how Yellow they really were until he heard them recited byLittle Girls who made the Full Stop at the Comma instead of the Period. He used to lose a Pound a Minute, and when he would start back to theHotel his Shoes would be Full of Cold Perspiration. Finally, when hebegan to decline Invitations, against the advice of his Manager, it wassaid of him that he was Eccentric and appeared to have a Case of theSwell Head. 

He had to retire into a Suburb, where he built a Wall around hisPremises and put up Signs against Trespassing. He had a Chinaman for aServant, because the Chinaman did not know he was an Author, butsupposed him to be a Retired Porch-Climber. 

Thus he was enabled to Forget for an Hour or Two at a Time. 

MORAL: _Refrain from Getting Gay with the Emotions. _