MORE PEERS Verses by H. BELLOC Pictures by B. T. B. [Illustration] LONDON: DUCKWORTH & CO. Printed in Great Britain at _The Mayflower Press, Plymouth_. William Brendon & Son, Ltd. CONTENTS PAGE I. Edward, first EARL OF ROEHAMPTON in the County of Surrey, deceased 5 II. Archibald, fifteenth Baron CALVIN of Peebles in North Britain 11 III. Henry de la Tour Albert St. John Chase, commonly known as LORD HENRY CHASE 12 IV. Thomas, second Baron HEYGATE of Bayswater in the County of London 15 V. Percy, first EARL OF EPSOM, in the County of Surrey 16 VI. Arthur Weekes, commonly known as LORD FINCHLEY, Eldest Son and Heir of Charles, first Baron Hendon 22 VII. Ali-Baba, first (and last) Baron ALI-BABA of Salonika 24 VIII. George Punter, commonly known as LORD HIPPO, Eldest Son and Heir of Peter, sixth Earl of Potamus 27 IX. Baron UNCLE TOM of Maarfontein in the Britains Over Seas 36 X. William, eighth EARL LUCKY, subsequently fifth Duke of Bradford 39 XI. Christopher, sixth Baron CANTON 45 XII. Alcibiades, third Baron ABBOTT of Brackley in Southamptonshire 47 Lord Roehampton [Illustration] During a late election LordRoehampton strained a vocal chordFrom shouting, very loud and high, To lots and lots of people whyThe Budget in his own opin--Ion should not be allowed to win. He [Illustration] sought a Specialist, who said:"You have a swelling in the head:Your Larynx is a thought relaxedAnd you are greatly over-taxed. " "I am indeed! On every side!"The Earl (for such he was) replied [Illustration] In hoarse excitement.... "Oh! My Lord, You jeopardize your vocal chord!"Broke in the worthy Specialist. "Come! Here's the treatment! I insist!To Bed! to Bed! And do not speakA single word till Wednesday week, When I will come and set you free(If you are cured) and take my fee. " On Wednesday week the Doctor hiresA Brand-new Car with Brand-new TyresAnd Brand-new Chauffeur all completeFor visiting South Audley Street. * * * * * But what is this? No Union JackFloats on the Stables at the back!No Toffs escorting Ladies fairPerambulate the Gay Parterre. A 'Scutcheon hanging lozenge-wiseAnd draped in crape appals his eyesUpon the mansion's ample door, To which he wades through [Illustration] heaps of Straw, [A]And which a Butler [A] This is the first and only timeThat I have used this sort of Rhyme. [Illustration] drowned in tears, On opening but confirms his fears:"Oh! Sir!--Prepare to hear the worst!... Last night my kind old master burst. And what is more, I doubt if heHas left enough to pay your fee. The Budget----" With a dreadful oath, The Specialist, [Illustration] denouncing bothThe Budget _and_ the House of Lords, Buzzed angrily Bayswaterwards. * * * * * And ever since, as I am told, Gets it beforehand; and in gold. Lord Calvin Lord Calvin thought the Bishops should not sitAs Peers of Parliament. [Illustration] And _argued_ it!In spite of which, for years, and years, and years, They went on sitting with their fellow-peers. Lord Henry Chase What happened to Lord Henry Chase?He got into a [Illustration] Libel Case!_The Daily Howl_ had said that he--But could not prove it perfectlyTo Judge or Jury's satisfaction:His Lordship, therefore, [Illustration] won the action. But, as the damages were small, [Illustration] He gave them to a Hospital. Lord Heygate [Illustration] LORD HEYGATE had a troubled face, His furniture was commonplace--The sort of Peer who well might passFor someone of the middle class. I do not think you want to hearAbout this unimportant Peer, So let us leave him to discourseAbout LORD EPSOM and his horse. Lord Epsom [Illustration] A Horse, Lord Epsom did bestrideWith mastery and quiet pride. He dug his spurs into its hide. The Horse, [Illustration] discerning it was pricked, Incontinently [Illustration] bucked and kicked, A thing that no one could predict! Lord Epsom clearly understoodThe High-bred creature's nervous mood, [Illustration] As only such a horseman could. Dismounting, [Illustration] [Illustration] he was heard to sayThat it was kinder to delayHis pleasure to a future day * * * * * He had the Hunter led away. Lord Finchley [Illustration] Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric LightHimself. [Illustration] It struck him dead: And serve him right!It is the business of the wealthy manTo give employment to the artisan. Lord Ali-Baba Lord Ali-Baba was a TurkWho hated every kind of work, And would repose for hours at easeWith [Illustration] Houris seated on his knees. A happy life!--Until, one day [Illustration] Mossoo Alphonse Effendi Bey(A Younger Turk: the very creamAnd essence of the New Regime)Dispelled this Oriental dreamBy granting him a place at Court, High Coffee-grinder to the Porte, Unpaid:-- [Illustration] In which exalted PostHis Lordship yielded up the ghost. Lord Hippo Lord Hippo suffered fearful loss [Illustration] By putting money on a horseWhich he believed, if it were pressed, Would run far faster than the rest:For someone who was in the know [Illustration] Had confidently told him so. But [Illustration] on the morning of the raceIt only took [Illustration] the _seventh_ place! [Illustration] Picture the Viscount's great surprise!He scarcely could believe his eyes!He sought the Individual whoHad laid him odds at 9 to 2, Suggesting as a useful tipThat they should enter PartnershipAnd put to joint account the debtArising from his foolish bet. [Illustration] But when the Bookie--oh! my word, I only wish you could have heardThe way he roared he did not think, And hoped that they might strike him pink!Lord Hippo simply turned and ranFrom this infuriated man. Despairing, maddened and distraughtHe utterly collapsed and soughtHis sire, [Illustration] the Earl of Potamus, And brokenly addressed him thus:"Dread Sire--to-day--at Ascot--I ... "His genial parent made reply:Come! Come! Come! Come! Don't look so glum!Trust your Papa and name the sum.... WHAT? [Illustration] ... _Fifteen hundred thousand?_... Hum!However ... Stiffen up, you wreck;Boys will be boys--so here's the cheque!Lord Hippo, feeling deeply--well, More grateful than he cared to tell--Punted the lot on Little Nell:--And got a telegram at dinnerTo say [Illustration] that he had backed the Winner! Lord Uncle Tom Lord Uncle Tom was different from What other nobles are. For they are yellow or pink, I think, But he was black as tar. [Illustration] He had his Father's debonair And rather easy pride:But his complexion and his hair [Illustration] Were from the mother's side. He often mingled in debate And latterly displayed [Illustration] Experience of peculiar weight Upon the Cocoa-trade. But now He speaks no more. The BILL Which he could not abide, It preyed upon his mind until He sickened, paled, and died. Lord Lucky Lord Lucky, by a curious fluke, Became a most important duke. From living in a vile Hotel [Illustration] A long way east of Camberwell He rose, in less than half an hour, To riches, dignity and power. It happened in the following way:--The Real Duke went out one dayTo shoot with several people, one [Illustration] Of whom had never used a gun. This gentleman (a Mr. MeyerOf Rabley Abbey, Rutlandshire), As he was scrambling through the brake, [Illustration] Discharged his weapon by mistake, And plugged about an ounce of leadPiff-bang into his Grace's Head----Who naturally fell down dead. His heir, Lord Ugly, roared, "You Brute! [Illustration] Take that to teach you how to shoot!"Whereat he volleyed, left and right;But being somewhat short of sight, His right-hand Barrel only gotThe second heir, Lord Poddleplot;The while the left-hand charge (or choke)Accounted for another bloke, Who stood with an astounded airBewildered by the whole affair--And was the third remaining heir. After the [Illustration] Execution (whichIs something rare among the Rich)Lord Lucky, while of course he neededSome [Illustration] help to prove their claim, succeeded. --But after his succession, thoughAll this was over years ago, He only once indulged the whimOf asking Meyer to lunch with him. Lord Canton The reason that [Illustration] the Present Lord CantonSucceeded lately to his Brother JohnWas that his Brother John, the elder son, Died rather suddenly at forty-one. The insolence of an Italian guide [Illustration] Appears to be the reason that he died. Lord Abbott Lord Abbott's coronet was far too small, So small, that as he sauntered down White HallEven the youthful Proletariat(Who probably mistook it for a Hat)Remarked on its exiguous extent. [Illustration] Here is a picture of the incident.