PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. VOL. 100. January 3, 1891. [Illustration: VOL. C, CALENDAR] JANUARY xxxi Days. 1 Th N. Year's D. 2 F Abydos t. 3 S L. Hunt b. 4 S 2 S. Af. Chr. 5 M Sambourne] 6 T Epiphany 7 W Bp. Ely d. 8 Th Cam. L. T. B. 9 F S. R. 8 h. 6 m. 10 S S. S. 4 h. 10 m. 11 S 1. S. Af. Epip. 12 M Hil. Sit. B. 13 Tu B. Cannæ 14 W Oxf. L. T. B. 15 Th Orsini plot 16 F B. Corunna 17 S Franklin b. 18 S 2 S. Af. Epip. 19 M Watt b. 20 Tu Fabian 21 W Agnes 22 Th Vincent 23 F Pitt d. 1806 24 S Fox b. 1749 25 S Septuag. S. 26 M Brazil disc. 27 Tu J. Gibson d. 28 W Prescott d. 29 Th Capit. Paris 30 F Chas. I. Bhd. 31 S B. Jonson b. FEBRUARY xxviii Days. 1 S Sexages. S. 2 M B. Lincoln 3 Tu Bassevi d. 4 W S. R. 7 h. 36 m. 5 Th Galvani d. 6 F S. S. 4 h. 56 m. 7 S Dickens b. 8 S Quinqu. S. 9 M Darnley m. 10 Tu Q. V. Marr. 11 W Ash. Wed. 12 Th Cellini d. 13 F Revol. 1688 14 S Valentine 15 S 1 S. In Lent. 16 M Burke exe. 17 Tu Braham d. 18 W Luther d. 19 Th Copernic. B. 20 F J. Hume d. 21 S Trinidad t. 22 S 2 S. In Lent 23 M S. Brookes d. 24 Tu Matthias 25 W Wren d. 26 Th T. Moore d. 27 F Benevento 28 S J. Tenniel MARCH xxxi Days. 1 S 3 S. In Lent 2 M Wesley d. 3 Tu B. Merton 4 W Somers b. 5 Th S. R. 6 h. 39 m. 6 F Du Maurier 7 S S. S. 5 h. 48 m. 8 S 4 S. In Lent 9 M Cobbett b. 10 Tu Schiller b. 11 W Inc. T. Imp. 12 Th Gregory 13 F Talfourd d. 14 S Byng shot 15 S 5 S. In Lent 16 M Dr. Kent d. 17 Tu St. Patrick 18 W Suez cnl. Op. 19 Th Lucknow t. 20 F B. Alexand. 21 S Benedict 22 S Palm S. 23 M Nat. Gal. F. 24 Tu Q. Eliz. D. 25 W Lady Day 26 Th D. Camb. B. 27 F Good Frid. 28 S Cateau 29 S East. Sun. 30 M Bk. Holiday 31 Tu Haydn b. APRIL xxx Days. 1 W All Fools 2 Th S. R. 5 h. 35 m. 3 F S. S. 6 h. 34 m. 4 S Ambrose bp. 5 S Low Sun. 6 M O. Lady-Day 7 Tu Pr. Leop. B. 8 W B. Savona 9 Th Fire Ins. Ex. 10 F Cam. E. T. B. 11 S Canning d. 12 S 2 S. Af. Eas. 13 M Handel d. 14 Tu Prs. Beatr. B. 15 W S. Maron. 16 Th Thiers b. 17 F B. Culloden 18 S Graunt d. 19 S 3 S. Af. Eas. 20 M Spa. Fl. Des. 21 Tu Bp. Heber b. 22 W Odessa bom. 23 Th St. George 24 F B. Landrec. 25 S Prs. Alice b. 26 S 4 S. Af. Eas. 27 M Gibbon b. 28 Tu B. Tours 29 W S. Cath. S. 30 Th Fitzroy d. MAY xxxi Days. 1 F May Day 2 S S. R. 4 h. 32 m. 3 S Rogation S. 4 M Sering. Tkn. 5 Tu S. S. 7 h. 27 m. 6 W John Evan. 7 Th Holy Thurs. 8 F Le Sage b. 9 S Hf. Qr. Day 10 S S. Af. Ascen. 11 M Chatham d. 12 Tu Albt. Mem. C. 13 W O. May Day 14 Th Gratton d. 15 F O'Connell d. 16 S B. Albuera 17 S Whit Sun. 18 M Bk. Holiday 19 Tu Dunstan 20 W Columbus d. 21 Th Cawnpore 22 F Dasent b. 23 S M. Lemon d. 24 S Trin. Sun. 25 M Pr. Hel. B. 26 Tu Augustine 27 W Ven. Bede 28 Th Corp. Christ. 29 F Chas. II. Res. 30 S Pope d. 31 S 1 Sn. Af. Tr. JUNE xxx Days. 1 M Nicomede 2 Tu Harvey b. 3 W S. R. 3 h. 50 m. 4 Th S. S. 8 h. 7 m. 5 F Weber d. 6 S Calpee tkn. 7 S 2 Sn. Af. Tr. 8 M D. Jerrold d. 9 Tu Paxton d. 10 W Heilsberg 11 Th Barnabas 12 F B. Wilton 13 S Hastgs. Bhd. 14 S 3 Sn. Af. Tr. 15 M Mag. Charta 16 Tu Wat Tyl. Sl. 17 W St. Alban 18 Th Waterloo 19 F B. Wavres 20 S Q. Vic. Ac. 21 S 4 Sn. Af. Tr. 22 M B. Pered 23 Tu B. Plassy 24 W Midsm. D. 25 Th B. Altivia 26 F Geo. IV. D. 27 S Cairo tkn. 28 S 5 Sn. Af. Tr. 29 M St. Peter 30 Tu Roscoe d. JULY xxxi Days. 1 W B. Boyne 2 Th S. R. 3 h. 50 m. 3 F B. Sadowa 4 S S. S. 8 h. 17 m. 5 S 6 Sn. Af. Tr. 6 M Old Mid. D. 7 Tu J. Huss bt. 8 W A. Smith d. 9 Th Fire Ins. Ex. 10 F Bp. Fell d. 11 S B. Ouden 12 S 7 Sn. Af. Tr. 13 M D. Orleans d. 14 Tu Bastile des. 15 W St. Swithin 16 Th Beranger d. 17 F Punch b. '41 18 S Sherlock d. 19 S 8 Sn. Af. Tr. 20 M Margaret 21 Tu R. Burns d. 22 W Salamanca 23 Th Lyonet b. 24 F Gibral. Tkn. 25 S St. James 26 S 9 Sn. Af. Tr. 27 M Talavera 28 Tu Robesp. Exe. 29 W B. Beylau 30 Th W. Penn d. 31 F E. Pease d. AUGUST xxxi Days. 1 S Lammas 2 S 10 Sn. Af. Tr. 3 M Bk. Holiday 4 Tu Oystr. Sea. C. 5 W S. R. 4 h. 31 m. 6 Th Dk. Edn. B. 7 F S. S. 7 h. 37 m. 8 S Otway b. 9 S 11 S. Af. Tr. 10 M C. Keene b. 11 Tu Trin. Sit. C. 12 W Grouse s. B. 13 Th O. Lammas 14 F Ld. Clyde d. 15 S W. Scott b. 16 S 12 S. Af. Tr. 17 M Ad. Blake d. 18 Tu B. Spurs 19 W Ozontero 20 Th Saragossa 21 F Blck. Ck. S. B. 22 S B. Bosworth 23 S 13 S. Af. Tr. 24 M S. Bartholo. 25 Tu J. Watt d. 26 W P. Cons. B. 27 Th Thomson d. 28 F B. Leipsic 29 S Jno. Bp. Bh. 30 S 14 S. Af. Tr. 31 M Bunyan d. SEPTEMBER xxx Days. 1 Tu Part. Sh. E. 2 W Capit. Sedan 3 Th S. R. 5 h. 17 m. 4 F S. S. 6 h. 39 m. 5 S Comte d. 6 S 15 S. Af. Tr. 7 M Eunurchus 8 Tu Nat. B. V. M. 9 W B. Flodden 10 Th B. Quesnoy 11 F S. Of Delhi 12 S O. P. Riots 13 S 16 S. Af. Tr. 14 M Holy Cross 15 Tu B. Rajghur 16 W Jas. II. D. 17 Th Lambert 18 F Geo. I. Land. 19 S B. Poitiers 20 S 17 S. Af. Tr. 21 M St. Matth. 22 Tu Virgil d. 23 W Autn. Q. B. 24 Th S. Butler d. 25 F Porson d. 26 S St. Cyprian 27 S 18 S. Af. Tr. 28 M Nicopolis 29 Tu Mich. Day 30 W St. Jerome OCTOBER xxxi Days. 1 Th Cam. M. T. B. 2 F Arago d. 3 S S. R. 6 h. 6 m. 4 S 19 S. Af. Tr. 5 M S. S. 5 h. 28 m. 6 Tu Faith 7 W Abp. Laud b. 8 Th B. Actium 9 F St. Denys 10 S Ox. M. T. B. 11 S 20 S. Af. Tr. 12 M America d. 13 Tu Edw. Conf. 14 W B. Senlac 15 Th Fire Ins. Ex. 16 F Soissons t. 17 S Etheldreda 18 S 21 S. Af. Tr. 19 M Kneller d. 20 Tu B. Navarino 21 W Trafalgar 22 Th B. Edge Hill 23 F Irish Reb. 24 S P. Leigh d. 25 S 22 S. Af. Tr. 26 M Danton b. 27 Tu Cap. Cook b. 28 W J. Locke d. 29 Th J. Leech d. 30 F Tower brnt. 31 S All Hallows NOVEMBER xxx Days. 1 S 23 S. Af. Tr. 2 M All Souls 3 Tu Fall of Acre 4 W Will. III. B. 5 Th S. R. 7 h. 3 m. 6 F S. S. 4 h. 23 m. 7 S B. Mooltan 8 S 24 S. Af. Tr. 9 M P. Of Wls. B. 10 Tu M. Luther b. 11 W St. Martin 12 Th Hf. Qr. Day 13 F Britius 14 S Leibnitz d. 15 S 25 S. Af. Tr. 16 M J. Bright b. 17 Tu Hugh Bp. L. 18 W Wilkie b. 19 Th B. Arcola 20 F Ld. Elgin d. 21 S J. Hogg d. 22 S 26 S. Af. Tr. 23 M St. Clemen. 24 Tu J. Knox d. 25 W Chantrey d. 26 Th G. Grisi d. 27 F De. Teck b. 28 S Bunsen d. 29 S 1 S. In Adv. 30 M Burnand b. ] DECEMBER xxxi Days. 1 Tu Prs. Wls. B. 2 W B. Austerl. 3 Th Bradbury b. 4 F Richelieu d. 5 S S. R. 7 h. 51 m. 6 S 2 S. In Adv. 7 M S. S. 3 h. 50 m. 8 Tu Baxter d. 9 W Vandyke d. 10 Th Milton b. 11 F Jno. Gay d. 12 S Cibber d. 13 S 3 S. In Adv. 14 M P. Cons. D. 15 Tu I. Walton d. 16 W V. Weber b. 17 Th Oxf. M. T. E. 18 F D. 7 h. 46 m. 19 S Cam. M. T. E. 20 S 4 S. In Adv. 21 M St. Thomas 22 Tu Win. Q. B. 23 W Jas. II. Abd. 24 Th Christ. Eve 25 F Christ. Day 26 S Bk. Holiday 27 S Sun. Af. Chr. 28 M Innocents 29 Tu Stafford ex. 30 W Pegu anxd. 31 Th Silvester * * * * * TO-DAY'S AMUSEMENTS. (_AS THEY WILL PROBABLY BE ADVERTISED IN THE PRESS OF THE DAY AFTERTO-MORROW. _) EXECUTION OF THE LITTLE PEDLINGTON MURDERER. --Reserved gallows seats, immediately behind the drop, commanding a clear view of the dyingstruggles, with chance of hearing the criminal's last confession;Lady's ticket Two Guineas. Lady and Gentleman's, ditto, three guineas. (8. 30 A. M. ) TRIAL AT THE OLD BAILEY OF LA BELLE ISABELLE, the husband-poisoner. Last day of trial, summing-up of the Judge, intense excitement. A fewspecial tickets at Ten Guineas still obtainable (including "snack"luncheon and use of opera-glasses), and commanding front view of theJudge when summing-up, and close sight of the prisoner's facial playduring the passing of sentence, &c, (11. A. M. Ladies advised to be intheir places not later than 10. 30. ) GREAT INTERNATIONAL CRIMES EXHIBITION AT BOEOTIA. --AdditionalAttractions. Portrait groups in wax, life-size, of all great criminalsfrom CAIN to CHARLES PEACE; Lecture on Capital Punishments in allAges, with illustrations and demonstrations (3 P. M. And 7 P. M. )Old Newgate. Mediæval Torture Chamber in full work. Grand ExecutionTableaux, in the grounds; realistic renderings of punishmentsinflicted on RAVAILLAC, DAMIENS, &c. , &c. (3 o'clock and 6. 30. )_Auto-da-Fé_ at 2. 30 and 7. Admission One Shilling. Children undereight half-price. Ladies' Reserved Seats (inclusive of all Shows) OneGuinea. Open 10 till 10. (Thirty thousand persons, chiefly Ladies, passed the turnstiles last Wednesday. ) PUBLIC VIVISECTION DEMONSTRATION AT THE SENSATIONAL SURGICAL SOCIETY'SROOMS. --Exhibition of the droll effects of Curari upon subjects underthe knife, and the actual cautery. No annoying noise, or disconcertingstruggles! Bulgarian Band will play Popular Pieces. (3 P. M. ) BULL FIGHT AT THE ARCADIAN HALL. --Full Spanish Programme this day. Absolutely no restrictions! Serious accidents daily! Two Toreadorskilled last week, and seven seriously injured. No deception! Extrafierce bulls to-day, and consequent prospect of HIGHLY SENSATIONALSCENES IN THE ARENA!!! Admission, 1s. To £5 5s. Specially ReservedFront Seats for Ladies, £7 7s. (3 P. M. , and 8. 30. ) IMPERIAL PHONOGRAPHIC SOCIETY, HALL OF HORRORS. --PhonographicReproductions of Last Dying Speeches and Confessions of Criminals. Sobs and Hysterical Attacks of Persons under trial (Women especially). Reports of Cases tried _in Camerâ_. Private Conversations of partiesto _Causes Célèbres_, &c. , &c. , &c. Highly realistic revelations, andSensational Vocal Scenes. Admission, Half a Guinea. (8 P. M. ) PORNOGRAPHIC ART GALLERIES. --NOW open daily. Admission by private cardonly. Illustrated Catalogue (purchase of which is compulsory). TwoGuineas. Special coloured copies including reproduction of pictures inSpecial Art Sanctum, £10 10s. (10 till 4 only. ) GHOUL THEATRE. --_The Society Beauty and the Blood Bath, or, The Demonof Dahomey_! Strongly Sensational Melodrama, in Five Acts, and aSpecial Death Dance Tableau!!! The Toilet! The Torture!! The Tub!!!Beauty unadorned and Bloodshed Undisguised! Mirth-moving Murdersand Side-splitting Suicides! Fun and Funerals! Roars of Laughter andTremendous Thrills of Pleasing Horror Nightly! Open at 7. 30. Commenceat 8. Moving in Society at 9! Great Toilet Scene at 9. 30! The Blood-Bath at 10. 45! Death Dance Tableau at 11. 5! Carriages at 11. 10! Enormous Success! Two-hundred-and-fifty-second Night, and stillcrowded with the _élite_ of Fashion! Be in time!!! * * * * * [Illustration: "LITERARY STARS. "] * * * * * THE HERO'S COMMON-FORM DIARY. _January_. --Leisurely return to England. Enthusiastic reception _enroute_. _February_. --Greeted by Mayor and Corporation with an address atDover. Triumphant progress to London. _March_. --Imposing scene at the Guildhall. Acceptance of the Freedomof the City. _April_. --Visits to the provinces. Loud cheers on every side, andunlimited hospitality. _May_. --Lion of the London Season. Hundreds of nightly invitations. _June_. --Gaiety from morning to night. Universal recognition ofdistinguished conduct. _July_. --Phenomenal success of book of travels and adventures. _August_. --Popularity at its height everywhere, save in town, whichnow begins to empty. _September_. --Slight reaction. Rejoinders begin to appear. _October_. --Unpleasantness on the increase. Interviewing, letters tothe papers, and sensational journalism generally. _November_. --Demonstration at the Lord Mayor's Show. Charges, counter-charges, and recrimination. First-rate A1, go-as-you-please, strongly recommended row. _December_. --Fresh sensation (about a murder or a charitable scheme)and everything forgotten (if not forgiven) in time to observe a MerryChristmas and a Happy New Year. * * * * * HOLIDAY TASKS FOR THE NEW YEAR. _Emperor of R-ss-a_. --To personally visit Siberia. _King of It-ly_. --To come to terms with the Vatican. _Emperor of G-rm-ny_. --To stay at home. _King of P-rtug-l_. --To accept the situation in Africa. _President C-rn-t_. --To forget the existence of Egypt. _King of Sp-n_. --To master the difficulties of the Alphabet. _Emperor of A-str-a_. --Between Kingdom and Empire, to make both endsmeet. _Lord S-l-sb-ry_. --To prepare for the General Election. _Mr. Gl-dst-ne_. --To explain Home Rule. _Lord R. Ch-rch-ll_. --To give up racing in favour of politics. _Mr. H. M. St-nl-y_. --To re-write _Darkest Africa_. _General B-th_. --To publish a balance-sheet that will please all. _Mr. Sheriff A-g-st-s H-rr-s_. --To attend to his professional duties, and get through his official work. _And Mr. P-nch_. --To bear as gaily as ever the weight of half acentury. * * * * * SUGGESTION FOB MR. W. B. AT THE T. R. O. --Should Mr. WILSON BARRETTcontemplate giving another _Matinée_ of that out-of-date play, _TheLady of Lyons_, why not change its title to _The Old Lady of Lyons_?No extra charge for this suggestion. * * * * * GENUINE ORANGE BITTERS. --Police Protection to TIM HEALY. * * * * * [Illustration: MODERN VERSION OF "PAUL AND VIRGINIA. "] * * * * * VOCES POPULI. THE IMPROMPTU CHARADE-PARTY. SCENE--_The Library of a Country-House; the tables and chairs are heaped with brocades, draperies, and properties of all kinds, which the Ladies of the company are trying on, while the men rack their brains for a suitable Word. In a secluded corner, Mr. NIGHTINGALE and MISS ROSE are conversing in whispers. _ _Mr. Whipster_ (_Stage-Manager and Organiser--self-appointed_). No--but I say, _really_, you know, we _must_ try and decide onsomething--we've been out half an hour, and the people will be gettingimpatient! (_To the Ladies_. ) Do come and help; it's really nouse dressing up till we've settled what we're going _to do_. Can't_anybody_ think of a good Word? _Miss Larkspur_. We ought to make a continuous story of it, with thesame plot and characters all through. We did that once at the Grange, and it was awfully good--just like a regular Comedy! _Mr. Whipster_. Ah, but we've got to hit on _a Word_ first. Come--nobody got an idea? NIGHTINGALE, you're not much use over_there_, you know. I hope you and Miss ROSE have been putting yourheads together? _Mr. Nightingale_ (_confused_). Eh? No, nothing of the sort! Oh, ah--yes, we've thought of a _lot_ of Words. _Miss Rose_. Only you've driven them all out of our heads again! [_They resume their conversation. _ _Mr. Wh. _ Well, do make a suggestion, somebody! Professor, won't _you_give us a Word? _Chorus of Ladies_. Oh, _do_, Professor--you're sure to think ofsomething clever! _Professor Pollen_ (_modestly_). Well, really, I've so littleexperience in these matters that--A Word _has_ just occurred tome, however; I don't know, of course, whether it will meetwith approval--(_he beams at them with modest pride through hisspectacles_)--it's "Monocotyledonous. " _Chorus of Ladies_. Charming! Monocottle--Oh, can't we _do_ that? _Mr. Wh. _ (_dubiously_). We might--but--er--what's it _mean_? _Prof. Pollen_. It's a simple botanical term, signifying a plant whichhas only one cup-shaped leaf, or seed-lobe. Plants with _two_ aretermed-- _Mr. Wh. _ I don't see how we're going to act a plant with onlyone seed-lobe myself--and then thesyllables--"mon"--"oh"--"cot"--"till"--we shouldn't get done before_midnight_, you know! _Prof. Pollen_ (_With mild pique_). Well, I merely threw it out as asuggestion. I thought it could have been made amusing. No doubt I waswrong; no doubt. _Mr. Settee_ (_nervously_). I've thought of a word. Howwould--er--"_Familiar_" do? _Mr. Wh. _ (_severely_). Now, _really_. SETTEE, _do_ try not to footlelike this! [Mr. SETTEE _subsides amidst general disapproval_. _Mr. Flinders_. (_With a flash of genius_). I've got it--_Gamboge_! _Mr. Wh. _ Gamboge, eh? Let's see how that would work:--"Gam"--"booge. "How do you see it yourself? [_Mr. FLINDERS discovers, on reflection, that he doesn't see it, and the suggestion is allowed to drop. _ _Miss Pelagia Rhys_. _I've_ an idea. _Familiar!_"Fame"--"ill"--"_liar_, " you know. [_Chorus of applause. _ _Mr. Wh. _ Capital! The very thing--congratulate you, Miss RHYS! _Mr. Settee_ (_sotto voce_). But I say, look here, _I_ suggested that, you know, and you said--! _Mr. Wh. _ (_ditto_). What on earth _does_ it matter who suggests it, so long as it's right? Don't be an ass, SETTEE! (_Aloud. _) How are wegoing to do the first syllable "Fame, " eh? [Mr. SETTEE _sulks_. _Mr. Pushington_. Oh, that's easy. One of us must come on as a Poet, and all the ladies must crowd round flattering him, and making a lotof him, asking for his autograph, and so on. I don't mind doing thePoet myself, if nobody else feels up to it. [_He begins to dress for the part by turning his dress-coat inside out, and putting on a turban and a Liberty sash, by way of indicating the eccentricity of genius; the Ladies adorn themselves with a similar regard to realism, and even more care for appearances. _ AFTER THE FIRST SYLLABLE. _The Performers return from the drawing-room, followed by faint applause_. _Mr. Pushington_. Went capitally, that syllable, eh? (_No response. _)You might have played up to me a little more than you did--you others. You let me do everything! _Miss Larkspur_. You never let any of us get a word in! _Mr. Pushington_. Because you all talked at once, that was all. Nowthen--"ill. " I'll be a celebrated Doctor, and you all come to me oneby one, and say you're _ill_--see? [_Attires himself for the rôle of a Physician in a dressing-gown and an old yeomanry helmet. _ _Mr. Whipster_ (_huffily_). Seems to me I may as well go and sit withthe audience--I'm no use _here_! _Mr. Pushington_. Oh, yes, WHIPSTER, I want you to be my confidentialbutler, and show the patients in. [_Mr. W. Accepts--with a view to showing PUSHINGTON that other people can act as well as he. _ AFTER THE SECOND SYLLABLE. _Mr. Pushington_. Seemed to _drag_ a little, somehow! There was nonecessity for you to make all those long soliloquies, WHIPSTER. ADoctor's confidential servant wouldn't chatter so much! _Mr. Whipster_. You were so confoundedly solemn over it, I had to putsome fun in _somewhere_! _Mr. P. _ Well, you might have put it where someone could see it. Nobody laughed. _Professor Pollen_. I don't know, Mr. PUSHINGTON, why, when I wasdescribing my symptoms--which I can vouch for as scientificallycorrect--you persisted in kicking my legs under the table--it wasunprofessional, Sir, and extremely painful! _Mr. Pushington_. I was only trying to hint to you that as there werea dozen other people to follow, it was time you cut the interviewshort, Professor--that one syllable alone has taken nearly an hour. _Miss Buckram_. If I had known the kind of questions you were going toask me, Mr. PUSHINGTON, I should certainly not have exposed myself tothem. I say no more, but I must positively decline to appear with youagain. _Mr. Pushington_. Oh, but really, you know, in Charades one getscarried away at times. I assure you, I hadn't the remotest (&c. , &c. --_until Miss BUCKRAM is partly mollified_. ) Now then--lastsyllable. Look here, I'll be a regular impostor, don't you know, andall of you come on and say what a liar I am. We ought to make thatscreamingly funny! AFTER THE THIRD SYLLABLE. _Mr. Pushington_. Muddled? Of _course_ it was muddled--you all calledme a liar before I opened my mouth! _The Rest_. --But you didn't seem to know how to begin, and we _had_ tobring the Word in somehow. _Pushington_. Bring it in?--but you needn't have let it _out_. Therewas SETTEE there, shouting "liar" till he was black in the face. Wemust have looked a set of idiots from the front. I shan't go in again(_muttering_). It's no use acting Charades with people who don'tunderstand it. There; settle the Word yourselves! AFTER THE WORD. AMONG THE AUDIENCE. _General Murmur_. What _can_ it be? Not _Turk_, I suppose, orMagician?--Quarrelling?--Parnellite?--Impertinence? Shall we give itup? No, they like us to guess, poor things; and besides, if we don't, they'll do another; and it is getting _so_ late, and such a _long_drive home. Oh, they're all coming back; then it is over. No, indeed, we can't _imagine. "Familiar_!" To be sure--_how_ clever, and _how_well you all acted it, to be sure--you must be quite tired after itall. I am sure _we_--hem--are deeply indebted to you ... My dear MissROSE, how wonderfully you disguised yourself. I never recognised you abit, nor _you_, Mr. NIGHTINGALE. What part did _you_ take? _Mr. Nightingale_. I--er--didn't take any particular part--wasn'twanted, you know. _Miss Rose_. Not to _act_, --so we stayed outside and--and--arrangedthings. _An Old Lady_. Indeed? Then you had all the hard work, and none of thepleasure, my dear, I'm afraid. _Miss Rose_ (_sweetly_). Oh no. I mean yes!--but we didn't _mind_ itmuch. _The O. L. _ And which of you settled what the Word was to be? _Mr. N. _ Well, I believe we settled that together. [_Carriages are announced; departure of guests who are not of the house-party. In the Smoking-room, Mr. PUSHINGTON discovers that he does not seem exactly popular with the other men, and puts it down to jealousy. _ * * * * * ROBERT'S XMAS BANKWET. We held our annywal Crismus Bankwet larst Satterday. Our principelToast of course was, "Success to the Grand Old Copperashun, and mayit flurrish for ewer!" with 3 times 3, and one cheer more for thebewtifool LADY MARESS, and may she flurrish for ewer too! Ah, weWaiters is a gallarnt race and knows our dooty to the fairer andweaker sects quite as well as ewen Aldermen theirselves. I nextperposed the City Livvery Compnys, in a speech, as BROWN said, as ortfor to be printed and sircculated. I had serttenly given a good dealof atention to it, and praps shood have dun ewen better if I hadn'tquite forgot ewery word of the werry last part, which, unfortnitly, was all about the lots of money as they gives away. But I remembredall about their luvly dinners, and that was naterally more intrestingto my hordience. I was werry much pressed to say which, in my opinion, of all the Nobel Livvery Cumpnys guv the most nobly scrumpshus Dinnersof 'em all, but I declined, on the ground that it wood naterally causea most enormous emount of gelosy, and was of too delicat and xquisita natur to be thus publicly discussed. There was werry considerabeldiffrens of opinion about their warious choice wines, but all agreedin praising them werry hily, but ewen more, the trew libberality withwhich they was served, and not poured out so close as to make the poreWaiter's dooty a thirsty and tanterlising one indeed. [Illustration] We drank the Nobel Army of Hotel Keepers, most serttenly not forgettinthe gentlemanly Manager of the truly "Grand, " as ewerybody knows as isanybody, and drank to their great success, for werry ewident reesons. Young FRANK returned thanks for the Ladies, and, with all the recklessordassity of a young feller of forty, was rash enuff to say, as howas he werrily believed, that if the prinsiple Hotel Keepers was tohintroduce pretty Gals as Waiters, all us old Fogys, as he rudelycalled us, woud have to go and git our seweral livings in a more manlyemployment! Of course boys will be boys, so we kindly forgave him, more specially as he stands six foot one in his stockings, let alonehis boots. However he made up for his bad manners by singing withhis capital voice, his new Song of "_Old Robert the Waiter_" being arayther complementary Parody, as he called it, upon "_Old Simon theCellerer_, " which was receeved with emense aplause. So he gave, as anarncore, the Waiter's favrite Glee of "_Mynear Van Dunk_, " with itsfine conwincing moral against Teetotaling and all such cold rubbish. BROWN wound up the armony of our truly appy heavening by singinghis new song of, "The LORD MARE leads a nappy life, " and we sort ourseweral nupshal couches as happy and contented a lot as his Lordshiphisself, our werry larst drink all round being to the folleringsentiment given out by me as the prowd Chairman: "May all the wellto do in this grand old London of ours enjoy as merry a Crismus aswe have enjoyed to-night, and may they all give a kind thort, and aliberal stump-up, to all the poor and needy who so badly wants it thisbitter weather. " ROBERT. * * * * * OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. [Illustration: Toll'd after Supper. Subject for a Knellegy. ] MR. JEROME K. JEROME, or, more easily pronounced, "Mr. JERUMKY JERUM, "is occasionally very amusing in his book for Christmastide, entitled_Told After Supper_. What he wants, that is, what he ought to havewhether he wants it or not, is judicious editing. Had this processbeen applied to this eccentric haphazardy book, scarcely more thana third of it would have been published. "His style, in this bookat least, and, for my part, " says the Baron, "I say the same of his_Three Men in a Tub_, suggests the idea of his writing being the workof a young man who, among his companions and admirers, has earned thereputation of being a 'deuced funny chap, ' and so has to struggle tolive up to this reputation, or to live it down. " JERUMKY JERUM stillsomewhat affects Yankee humour, not, however, in so forced and vulgara manner as in his overpraised _Three Men in a Boat_. Two of the GhostStories are humorous, but their setting is unworthy of them. Had theybeen introduced into a tale as DICKENS (of whose style there is a verypalpable attempt at imitation in the description of a stormy winter'snight) brought in his story of _Tom Smart_, and of the inimitable_Gabriel Grub_, their mirth-raising value would have been considerablyenhanced. As it is, these choice morsels--sandwich'd in between heavyslabs of doughy material--stand a chance of not being tasted. Toanyone who comes across the book the Baron says, "read about theCurate and the Card-trick, and JOHNSON and EMILY. The tinted paper onwhich it is printed is a mistake, as are also most of the amateurishillustrations. " [Illustration: Goblins. ] _WOMAN_--not "lovely woman" who "stoops to folly"--nor woman who inour hour of ease is uncertain, coy, and hard to please. But Woman, the weekly _Woman_ who is doing uncommonly well and in her fifty-thirdnumber, gave the week before Christmas, her idea of a Christmasdinner, and, but for "sweetbread cutlets, " a very good and simpledinner it was. The same _Woman_ gave also, among a variety ofnext-day's treatments of Turkey, _Turkey in Aspic_, Turkey in Europe, and Turkey in Asia--yes--but what about "Turkey in Aspic"? It doesn'tlook well; much better in French. But we dare say it's very good, though, for breakfast or supper, "devilled Turkey" is "hard to beat. " I have been trying to read LEIGH HUNT. His Biography interested memuchly, and I had always heard, in time past, so much of his writings, though I do not remember ever having heard the titles of his worksmentioned, that, when a neat-looking volume was sent me by Messrs. PATERSON & Co. Of _Leigh Hunt's Tales_, I anticipated great pleasurefrom their perusal. Alas! the pleasure was only in anticipation. Ihave tried, as the song says, "A little bit here, and a little bitthere--Here a bit, There a bit, And everywhere a bit, "--but, hang me, says the Baron, if I can tackle any one of them. The matter doesn'tinterest me, and the style doesn't fascinate me. This may be rankheresy, but I can't help it. I have tried, and failed. Well, better tohave tried, and failed, than never to have tried at all. But I shan'ttry again, --at least, not on this collection of Tales. BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. * * * * * PARS ABOUT PICTURES. --A good collection of pictures andsculpture--including works by Messrs. BURNE-JONES, ONSLOW FORD, ALFREDGILBERT, W. L. WYLLIE, and others--is on view at the Royal ArcadeGallery, Old Bond Street. These are to be sold for the benefit of thefamily of R. A. LEDWARD, the clever young sculptor, who died only a fewweeks ago. Lots more to say, but you won't stand it, and will probablysay, "_Par! si bête_!" So no more at present from yours par-entally, OLD PAR. * * * * * LEGAL AND ECCLESIASTICAL DEFINITION. --A Sheriff's Officer: aWrit-ualist. * * * * * A FORECAST FOR 1891. (_BEING SOME EXTRACTS FROM THE GLOOMY OUTLOOKER'S DIARY. _) [Illustration: _Old Sol_. "Happy New Year, Mr. Punch!" _Mr. P. _ "Hope we shall see something more of you in future!"] _January_. --Continuation of "good old-fashioned winter. " London"snowed up. " Locomotion by Hansom drawn by four drayhorses, thefare from Charing Cross to Bayswater being £2 15s. Milk, 10s. Thehalf-pint, meat unprocurable. Riot of Dukes at the Carlton to securethe last mutton chop on the premises, suppressed by calling out theGuards. People in Belgravia burn their banisters for want of coals. The Three per Cents go down to 35. _February_. --Railway incursion into the centre of the Metropolismakes progress. Sir EDWARD WATKIN gets his line through Lords, crossesRegent's Park, comes down Bond Street, and secures a large centreterminus in the Green Park, with a frontage of a quarter of a mile inPiccadilly. _March_. --Football atrocities on the increase. A match is playedat the Oval between the Jaw Splitting Rovers and the Spine CrackingWanderers, in which nine are left dead on the field, and fifteen arecarried on stretchers to the nearest hospital. _April_. --Increase of danger from electricity. A couple of largemetropolitan hotels catching fire from over-heated wires, nineteenwaiters, twenty-three policemen, and fifty-five members of the firebrigade getting entangled in them in their efforts to extinguishthe flames, are killed on the spot, much to the satisfaction of theholders of gas shares. _May_. --The "Capital and Labour" Question reaches an acute stage. The"Unemployed Other People's Property Rights League" being patted onthe back by philanthropists, formulate their programme, and seize theStock Exchange and the Mansion House. _June_. --The "Capital and Labour" Question reaching a still acuterstage, 20, 000 unemployed East End Lodgers break into the Bank ofEngland, and give a banquet to the LORD MAYOR and Corporationto celebrate the event, at which Mr. Sheriff AUGUSTUS HARRIS, inreturning thanks for the "Arts and Sciences, " says he thinks "thetakings" of their hosts must have been "enormous. " _July_. --Results of Gen. BOOTH's "Darkest England" scheme. Triumphantreturn of the Submerged Tenth, who having enjoyed themselvesimmensely, have come back to the Slums with a view to having anotherinnings at "the way out. " _August_. --The Authorities at the Naval Exhibition wishing tostimulate the public taste for the undertaking, fire one of thehundred-ton guns which, "by some oversight" being loaded, sends ashell into the City, which brings down the dome of St. Paul's, but, bursting itself, lays Chelsea in ruins, and causes the appearance ofa letter in the _Times_ from Lord GEORGE HAMILTON, saying that thematter will be "the subject of a searching inquiry" by his Department. _September_. --A few Dukes in the Highlands, using several Hotchkissguns with their guests asked down to the shooting, exceed the knownfigures of any previous _battue_ to such an extent that birds sellin Bond Street at _3d_. A brace, with the result that the whole ofScotland is said to be completely cleared of game for the next sevenyears. _October_. --The great strike of everybody commences. Nothing to be gotanywhere. Several Noblemen and Members of Parliament meet the "food"crisis by organising an Upper-class Co-operative Society, and bringup their own cattle to London. Being, however, unable to kill themprofessionally without the aid of a butcher, they blow them up withgunpowder, and divide them with a steam-scythe, for which proceedingsthey are somewhat maliciously prosecuted by the Society for thePrevention of Cruelty to Animals. _November_. --The Strike continuing, and times being very bad, severalPeers take advantage of the 5th of the month, and make a tour of theirimmediate neighbourhoods in their own arm-chairs, thereby realising avery handsome sum in halfpence from a not unsympathetic public. _December_. --First signs of a probable second edition of a "goodold-fashioned Christmas" recognised. General panic in consequence. Attempt to lynch the Clerk of the Weather at Greenwich, onlyfrustrated by the appearance of a strong force of Police. 1891terminates in gloomy despair. * * * * * EDWIN AND ANGELINA. (_ONE MORE VERSION. _) [Illustration] DEAR MR. PUNCH, --I beg of you to hear my tale of woe, My case is really one of those I'm sure you'd like to know; How EDWIN and myself, at last, have quarrelled and have parted, And I am left to shed a tear--alone, and broken-hearted. We were engaged for eighteen months--he often said that life Would not be worth the living, if I would not be his wife. My eyes, though brown, were "blue" to him, my hair a "silken tangle, " He'd given me his photograph, and such a lovely bangle! I had called upon his mother, and had often stayed to tea-- She said that EDWIN had, indeed, a lucky catch in me. I thought him quite a model youth--hard-working, loyal, steady, A thrill of pleasure filled me when he wrote, "Your own, own EDDY. ", Oh! a brighter and a gladder day is surely never known Than when EDWIN calls his darling ANGELINA his "own own. " It warmed me with the glow of love, it cheered me up when lonely, Yet I didn't feel so happy, when it came to be, "Yours only. " The extra syllable indeed did not increase the charm, I tried, however, to believe it didn't mean much harm; So confident was I that naught our love could hurt or sever, But it looked suspicious when next time he only put, "Yours ever. " He only called me darling once! how different from before! Oh, could it be he liked me less (or other maiden more)? And was he tired of me--the girl he loved so fondly, dearly? It could not be! And then he wrote, "I am, Yours most sincerely. " Yes--was he going to fling me off as though a worn-out glove? You can't do with Sincerity if what you need is Love! I could not think such ill of him, although it did look queerly, That in his next the "most" was gone, and he was mine "sincerely. " Yet even then I loved him still, for in the human breast Hope springs eternal, so I dared to hope on for the best; And, after all, such things as these ought not to weigh unduly, But it _was_ more than I could bear to have to read, "Yours truly. " The truth was clear--I quickly sent him back his lovely _cartes_, His bangle, and his poetry of Cupid and his darts. I said to him how grieved I was his love had thus miscarried-- And then I found out everything; alas! the wretch was married. So here am I, as beautiful as anyone I know, You couldn't get a better wife, no matter where you go. And if you know, dear _Mr. Punch_, a husband, say you've seen a Nice girl, who'd make him happy and whose name is ANGELINA. * * * * * WHY THE DUES WERE THEY DONE AWAY WITH?--Under the beneficent influenceof the early coal dews--subsequently spelt coal dues--which haveexisted from the earliest times, City and Metropolitan Improvementshave sprung up into existence. Now, thanks to ignorant, butwell-meaning County Councillors, the coal dues being abolished, upgoes the price of coal, up go the rates, and there is no surplusfor improvement of any sort. If those ancient days of coal dues wereconsidered "hard times, " then sing we, in chorus, "Hard times, comeagain once more!" * * * * * [Illustration: PRIG-STICKING. _Little Prigson_. "OH! AS FOR GRIGSON, HE'S DISTINCTLY THE MOSTOBJECTIONABLE LITTLE PRIG IN ALL ENGLAND; BUT HIS SISTAH'S _QUITE_ THENICEST GIRL I EVER MET. " _Aunt Eliza_. "DEAR ME! WHAT SWEEPING ASSERTIONS! YOU _MIGHT_ HAVEHAD THE DECENCY JUST TO MAKE THE TRADITIONAL EXCEPTION IN FAVOUR OF_PRESENT COMPANY_!" _Cousin Maud_. "YES; IN _BOTH_ CASES, YOU KNOW!"] * * * * * "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!" _Mr. Punch, loquitur_:-- A Happy New Year? I should think so, my boy, Tossed thus in the arms of your PUNCHY right cheerily, 'Midst all that a youngster should love and enjoy, At least, you're beginning most merrily. Under the Mistletoe Bough You make a good start, anyhow. With a kiss from the lips that can never betray, There's many a girl would be greeted _that_ way! You're welcome, my lad! It is _Punch's_ old style To hail with stout heart all such annual new-comers; In winters of chill discontent he'll still smile, _His_ warmth seems to turn 'em to Summers! Under the Mistletoe Bough All doldrums are bosh and bow-wow. He doesn't mix rue in his big New Year Bowl, Whose aim is to cheer up the national soul. _Sursum corda_! That motto's the best of the bunch; Make it yours, young New Year, and 'twill keep up your pecker. Giving way to the Blues, you may take it from _Punch_, Never helped one in heart or exchequer, Under the Mistletoe Bough You cannot do better, I vow, Than make that same maxim your boyhood's first rule, As your very first tip in your very first school. Don't look like a pedagogue, do I, my lad? And indeed I am not an Orbilius Plagosus, Like him who made juvenile FLACCUS so sad. How well the Venusian knows us! Under the Mistletoe Bough _He_ never kissed maid, but somehow Our Dickensish Season he seemed to divine With his fondness for friendship, and laughter, and wine. No, boy, I don't greatly believe in the birch, (Though sometimes my _bâton_ must play--on rogues' shoulders. ) Love's rather too apt to be left in the lurch By Orbilian smiters and scolders. Under the Mistletoe Bough A kiss is best treatment, I trow. A salute from the lips of your _Punch_ you'll not spurn, And the young guests around you shall each take a turn. The outlook, my lad, seems a little bit drear, There are clouds and storm-shadows about the horizon, But--well, you're a chubby and rosy Young Year As ever your PUNCHY set eyes on. Under the Mistletoe Bough You look mighty kissable--now. So here goes another, for luck like, my dear, As we wish everybody A Happy New Year! * * * * * OLD MORALITY'S CHRISTMAS CARD AND NEW YEAR WISHES. This communication is designed to convey the expression of the wishthat on the 25th of December and proximate days you, and those notdistantly connected with you by family ties, may have enjoyed a seasonof Wholesome Hilarity, and that the new period of twelve months, upon which we are about to enter, may be Suffused with Happiness. (_Signed_) W. H. S. _Henley-on-Thames, New Year's Eve_, 1890. * * * * * THE PERFECT UNION OF CHURCH AND STATE is exemplified in the title andname of BISHOP KING. * * * * * [Illustration: "A HAPPY NEW YEAR!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "DEFENCE, NOT DEFIANCE. " "In these days of conflicts between Counsel, I propose to make a fewadditions to my usual forensic costume. "--_Extract from a Letter ofMr. Welnown Kewsee, Q. C. , to a young Friend_. ] * * * * * AT THE END OF THE YEAR. To a Friend, Do you remember how we sat, We two, in this same room together Last year, and talked of this and that, And warmed our toes and cursed the weather? And dreamed of fame, and puffed a cloud (We both smoked briars, I remember), And sipped our whiskey hot, and vowed To do or die ere next December? We spoke without respect of BEN, BEN who was ploughed, or very nearly; _Now_ BEN bamboozles jurymen, And makes his thousand guineas yearly. We both despised the wretched JOE, My fag at school, your butt at College. Dull, elephantine, pompous, slow, Choked with absurdly useful knowledge. Yet JOE assists to give us laws, Speaks in the House, and shows his fat form, 'Midst empty thunders of applause, Erect on many a Tory platform. And poor, inconsequential JACK, His mind a maze, like Mr. TOOTS's, Has married money, keeps a hack, And has a big account at COUTTS's. TOM owns a house in Belgrave Square, And DICK is noted for his dinners-- Life is a race, but was it fair, We asked, that _these_ should be the winners? We, too, would win; and Heaven knows What vows we uttered fiery-hearted, While '89 drew to its close, And '90 found us--so we parted. * * * * * And here, good lack, while '90 wanes, Our candles flaring in their sockets, We sit once more and count our gains-- Wrinkles, grey hairs, and empty pockets. Yet, Heaven be thanked that made us friends; Men prate of wealth in empty words, I Sit here content as '90 ends. And sip my grog, and smoke my bird's-eye. * * * * * OUR ADVERTISERS. SEASONABLE. PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is a new irritating and explosive Stimulant. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the Universal Restorer. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sends the sleeping baby instantly flying out of thecradle. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes the invalid Grandfather suddenly mount to thefifth storey by leaps and bounds. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER induces immediate influenza. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER turns head-ache into delirium. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER literally blows up the brain tissues. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets a whole household on the sneeze. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER establishes fever in the Infant School. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER paralyses the Hippopotamus. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER drives a Chief Justice off the Bench. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER irritates the Solicitor. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER maddens the dentist. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER sets the Archbishop dancing a break-down. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER hurries the Philosopher into a Lunatic Asylum. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER staggers the rising Politician. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER causes the resignation of the Prime Minister. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER makes a four-wheeler cab-horse win the Derby. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the sheet-anchor for Practical Jokers. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER may be safely relied on by Master TOMMY. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, put in the baby's bottle, will divert the Nursery. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, introduced into the Soup at a dinner-party, willlead to a serious riot in the dining-room. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER, administered in a sandwich, will choke an Uncle. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER is the general disorganiser of every Household. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER. --A Pinch will thoroughly banish sleep for a wholefortnight. * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER. --"An Octogenarian Consumer" writes:--"I was in acomatose condition for twenty years, when I came across your Pepper. I had scarcely tried it ere I bounded up from my arm-chair, and havedanced a continual fandango ever since. I carry it loose in all mypockets, and scatter it on all my friends whenever I meet them. Thishas got me kicked out of all their houses in turn; but I do not in theleast mind. I'm as merry and as mad as a March hare--and your Pepperhas done it. " * * * * * PICK-ME-UP PEPPER. --The Proprietors beg to inform their Friends andPatrons that they can supply this highly combustible and explosivecompound in felt safety cases, carefully packed at their bomb-proofestablishment in Barking Marshes, at the usual retail prices, viz. , 1s. 1-1/2d. , 2s. 9d. , 11s. , 21s. , and 31s. 6d. , &c, &c. * * * * * SHADOWS FROM MISTLETOE AND HOLLY. [Illustration: Tossing up for Turkey at Christmas Time. ] Dear Mr. Punch, --I venture to address you on a subject that I feelsure will enlist your kind attention and sympathy. How am I to getthrough Yule Tide? Ought I to give up the dispatch of "cards, " orought I to send them to all my relatives, friends, and acquaintances?If I drop the custom, people who like me will think I am outting them, and persons with whom I am less popular will imagine that economy, not to say meanness, is the cause of my ceasing to trouble the PostOffice. Suppose that I "hang the expense, " and _do_ send the cards. Well, I am in this position; it is a matter of the greatest difficultyto get a suitable greeting to all those who receive my annualbenediction. If I have "Wishing you and yours every happiness, " withmy appended name and address lithographed, the greeting seems cold, and even inappropriate, if addressed to, say, a favourite Maiden Aunt;and unduly familiar if forwarded to the acquaintance I saw for thefirst time in my life the day before yesterday. Then if I trust to theordinary Christmas Cards of commerce, I am often at a loss to selectan appropriate recipient for a nestful of owls, or the picture ofa Clown touching up an elderly gentleman of highly respectableappearance with a red-hot poker! If I get a representation offlowers, the chances are ten to one that the accompanying lines areof a compromising character. It is obviously cruel to send to arecently-widowed Uncle some verses about "_Darby and Joan_, " and myMother-in-law is not likely to feel complimented if I forward to her apoetically expressed suggestion that there is no pleasanter place thanher own home--away, of course, from her Son-in-law! And yet theseare the problems that meet the would-be Yule Tide card distributer atevery turn! I remain, my dear _Mr. Punch_, yours sincerely, ONE WHO WISHES TO AVOID A ROW. P. S. --If this arrives late, thank the cards that have overtaxed thepostal arrangements. * * * * * THE UNITED SERVICE DIARY FOR 1891. [Illustration: Extremes Meet. ] _January to March_. --Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. Civil Servantsreading the morning paper. _April to June_. --Soldiers at play. Sailors in harbour. Civil Servantsreading the morning paper. _July to September_. --Soldiers at sea (autumn manoeuvres). Sailors atplay (_ditto_). Civil Servants away (_ditto_). _October to December_. --Soldiers on leave. Sailors at sea. CivilServants reading the morning paper. * * * * * [Illustration: FOLLIES OF THE YEAR. ] * * * * * IN THE LATEST STYLE. (_BY OUR INTREPID INTERVIEWER. _) Feeling that your readers would be interested in learning Mr. CHOSE'sown view of the unpleasant affair, I called upon the distinguishedArctic Explorer just as he was sitting down to breakfast. "Now, Mr. CHOSE, is it really true, " I asked, "that you stole theumbrellas?" The face of the warrior flushed angrily, for a moment, and thenregaining his composure, he replied that he could not see the point ofpossessing himself of articles that would be absolutely valueless inthose extremely northern latitudes. "That is not the question, " I persisted. "I am sure you will forgiveme, when you remember that I speak in the name of the Public; but whatI want, and what they want to know is, Did you steal the umbrellas?Now, Mr. CHOSE, you can surely answer Yes or No. " "I don't see what either you or they have to do with it, " repliedthe Arctic Explorer, cutting off the top of a boiled egg, "but as amatter of fact, I had nothing whatever to do with any of the luggageof the expedition. So, if it is said, that I walked about with ashower-protector that was not my own, you can value the story for whatit is worth. Why, on the very face of it, the report is ridiculous!" "Exactly, " I agreed, "but, then, the world is uncharitable. However, Mr. CHOSE, perhaps you can tell me if it is true that your friend andcolleague, Mr. BLANK, converted an aged Esquimaux into what he termedIced Greenlander?" 'I have heard the story, certainly; but cannot say whether it istrue or not. When the incident is alleged to have happened, I was inanother part of the country, having been sent there to change novelsat the local circulating library. " "But would you say it was probable?" "Distinctly not. BLANK was a noble-hearted, chivalrous, merry, gladsome, gallant young fellow. He was the soul of honour. Why, " headded, with deep emotion, "I have left as much as fourpence in copperson a mantel-piece alone with him, and on my return nave found everyhalfpenny of the money untouched!" "Then do you not think he pushed the old man into thesausage-machine?" "If he did, it must have been either accidentally, or to win awager, or perhaps as practical joke. That he would do anything opento censure at the hands of the severest moralist, is absolutelyincredible. Why, he is a Loamshire man!" "So I have heard; and, now, Mr. CHOSE, as I see that you have finishedyour breakfast, I will put to you a purely personal question. Is ittrue that you poisoned your grandmother, drowned your uncle, stifledyour niece, and hanged your brother-in-law?" The Arctic Explorer pulled angrily at his moustache, and saidsomething about the reports to which I referred being exaggerated. "And may I take it that you have never been in gaol for pickingpockets? And when it is said that you were turned out of a Club forcheating at cards--" But at this point I was assisted to take my leave with so muchabruptness, that I was forced to leave my last question but partiallyformulated. On finding myself once more in the street, I noticed thatI was reclining in the gutter, bare-headed. A little later, however, my hat was thrown after me. * * * * * PICTORIAL NOTE TO HAMLET. [Illustration: HAMLET AS HE REALLY OUGHT TO BE, ACCORDING TOSHAKSPEARE. ] "O that this too too solid flesh would melt!" _Note_. --Shakespeare was the originator of the aesthetic expression"Too, too. " [Illustration: _Queen_. "He's fat, and scant of breath,
Here, Hamlet, take my napkin, rub thy brows. "] * * * * * POLITICS UP TO DATE. (_SPECIMEN LEADER FROM AN IRISH PAPER IN A CHRONIC STATE OFREVOLUTION. _) WEDNESDAY, 9 A. M. --We appear this morning awaiting the future withconfidence and hope. So far, we have been able to conduct this journalon patriotic lines. We have denounced the Leader of the Party as theenemy of his country, and have applauded his opponents as the savioursof society. But we cannot conceal from ourselves that the time mayarrive when this policy may be reversed. The hour may come-- 10 A. M. --It has! We have much pleasure in informing our readers that, after a vigorous fight (honourable to all who took part in it), wehave conquered. This paper is in our hands, and henceforward we shallsupport, to the best of our ability, the Leader of the Party, anddenounce the infamous pretensions of his opponents; still, it wouldbe unwise to ignore the possibilities of the future. We may beoverpowered by a tyrannical majority. The time may come-- 11 A. M. --It has! Hurroo! It was hard fighting to get back; but herewe are again, ready to denounce the leader, and support his opponents. For the moment we are victorious, but who shall prophesy what may belooming in the distant ages? The hour may come-- 12 NOON. --It has! And now that we have again taken possession, wemust say we have never had so elegant a quarrel. The shillelaghs wereflinging about all over the place, cracking crowns in all directions, and the scrimmages were just magnificent! It was an elegant rowentirely! But now to work. Our noble leader deserves his triumph, andhis opponents are nowhere. Still in the moment of victory, it would befoolish to overlook the chances of to-morrow. The hour may come-- 1 P. M. --It has! Be jabers, what a contest! But we have justslaughtered them! Oh, it was a fine sight entirely! How the ink-potsflew about! Easy now, let us to business. The shorter we makeour remarks the better, as no one can say what will be happeninghereafter. The hour may come-- 2 P. M. --It has! With a vengeance! We have defeated them! Hurroo, boys!This is not the time for composition! Tread on the tail of my--wemean--our coat! Come on, ye dirty spalpeens! Hurroo! [_Publication suspended until someone can be found--not otherwise engaged--to write and print it, while someone else starts a rival and "suppressed" edition. _ * * * * * [Illustration] * * * * * THE AMUSING RATTLE'S NOTE-BOOK FOR 1891. _January_. --If dining out on the 1st, remember that the QUEEN wascreated Empress of Hindostan on that date in 1877, although theOpposition tried to _hinder her_ from assuming the title. Work thisout. Lent Term commences at Oxford and Cambridge. Can't be given awayif only _lent_. This entertaining quibble (suitable to five o'clockteas in Bayswater) can be applied to other topics. Note the coloursof the Universities, and bring in somehow "a fit of the blues. " Onthe 13th PITT died, on the 14th FOX was born. First date suggestive ofPITT, the second of _pity_. Good joke for the Midlands. Put it down toSHERIDAN. _February_. --On the 3rd Lord SALISBURY born on St. Blaise's festival. Consequently might be expected to set the Thames on fire. Thissaid with a sneer, should go splendidly at a second-rate Radicalluncheon-party. On the 14th, if you receive an uncomplimentarymissive, say it is less suggestive of _Valentine_ than _Orson_. Thiscapital jest should make you a welcome guest in places where theylaugh until the end of the month. _March_. --Not much doing. On the 8th Battle of Abookir, 1801. If youtake care to pronounce the victory _A-book-er_, you may possibly get ajest out of it in connection with a welshing transaction on theturf, when you can call it "the defeat of _A-book-er_. " Good at ahunting-breakfast where the host is a nonagenarian, who can observe"1801?--the year of my birth!" _April_. --Remember BISMARCK was born on the 1st, so it can't be "_All_Fools' Day. " Work this up to amuse a spinster aunt who reads the_Times_. _May_. --You may say of the 1st, if it is cold, that it is a "naughtydate. " If you are asked for a reason for this assertion, apologise andexplain that you meant a "_Connaughty_ date, for it is Prince ARTHUR'sBirthday. " The claims of loyalty should secure for this quaint conceita right hearty welcome. In 1812, on the 22nd, GRISI the celebratedsongstress was born. At a distance of four hundred miles fromLondon, in extremely unsophisticated society, you may perhapsventure something about the notes of this far-famed artist being like"lubricated lightning" for evident reasons, but you must not expectany one to laugh. _June_. --The name of this month may assist you to a joke here andthere in regard to a well-known ecclesiastical lawyer and Queen'sCounsel. This will be the more valuable, as the "remarkable days" arefew and far between, according to WHITAKER. _July_. --Note that on the 3rd the Dog Days commence, and that it isalso the anniversary of the Battle of Sadowa. If you pronounce thevictory "sad-hour" you should get a jest calculated to cause merrimentamongst persons who have spent the best years of their lives on desertislands, or as Chancery Division Chief Clerks. On the 24th the WindowTax was abolished, of which you may say that although a priceless boonit was only a _light_ relief. If you can only introduce this reallyclever _bon mot_ into a speech at a wedding breakfast, a railwayindignation meeting or a debate in the House of Lords, it is sureto go with bowls not to say shrieks. PENN died on the 30th, and infounding Pennsylvania was mightier than the sword. This announcementis the nearest approach to levity that in common decency can betolerated in a mourning coach. _August_. --On the 1st, in 1834, no less than 770, 280 British slaveswere freed. You might ask satirically, how many slaves (be theyhusbands or be they wives) now exist? You might offer this to aclergyman to be used in a sermon. On the 26th, Anniversary of theBattle of Cressy. Opportunity for saying (at the breaking-up of aninfant school) that on account of the extremely warm reception towhich the French were welcomed on that occasion, the victory might beappropriately called, "the Battle of Mustard-and-Cressy. " This will befound pleasing by a Colonial Briton home on furlough, and an HonoraryRoyal Academician living in retirement. _September_. --On the 1st, Shooting at Partridges commences. Opportunity for aiming old jokes about firing off guns withoutloading, killing dead birds, &c, &c. On the 3rd, the present LordChancellor born in 1825--the name of GIFFARD entombed in Hals-_bury_. A little obscure this, but, if carefully worked out, will amply repaytime and attention. On the 9th THOMAS WATTS (who may be amusinglycalled "Watts-his-name"), died in 1869. Not much in this, but maypossibly fill up an awkward pause during the reading of a will, orthe arrival of fresh hot water at a newly-married lady's initialhospitality at five o'clock tea. _October_. --FIELDING, the novelist, _bowled out_ on the 8th in1754. Battle of Agincourt on the 25th--an awful example to habitualdrunkards. Pheasant-shooting commences. Right time to tell that storyabout the Cockney who, dropping his "h's, " shot _peasants_ instead!This well-worn jest will be still found attractive by Australians whohave spent the better part of their lives in the Bush. [Illustration: ALWAYS ENTERTAINING; OR, VERY MUCH TAKEN CUM (CORNEY) GRAIN O!] _November_. --Good joke still to be made in the quieter suburbs abouthaving special appointments for the 5th, when one has to take thechair at a meeting which perambulates the streets. Lord Mayor's Day onthe 9th--opportunity for letting off "the Mayor the merrier, " "£10, 000a Mayor's Nest-egg, " &c, &c. Jests about the fog not now popular--theinfliction is too serious for jocularity! _December_. --Holiday time for everyone, inclusive of that mostmelancholy of persons "the funny man. " BOB LOWE (born in 1811) reachesthe age of eighty, and the Grand Old Man (born in 1809) eighty-two!With this ingenious quibble the Amusing Rattle can wish himself aMerry Christmas, and the remainder of the world a Happy New Year. * * * * * APPROPRIATE. --Sir, --Was there ever a more appropriate Christmas legalcase than appeared in the _Times_ Law Report, December 20th, and whichwas entitled "_The Mayor, &c. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre_ v. _The Justicesof Lancashire_?" What delightful names for a comic chorus to a _BabBallad_ in a Pantomime. _Solo_. Oh, did ye ne'er hear of His Worship the Mayor _Chorus_. Of Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee; _Solo_. Who went for the Justices of Lankyshare, _Chorus_. Singing Bootle-cum-Linacre diddle-cum-dee. Too late for the Burlesques and the Pantomimes, but it may still beserviceable at Music Halls and "places where they sing. 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