REAL LIFE IN LONDON

OR, THE RAMBLES AND ADVENTURES OF BOB TALLYHO, ESQ. , AND HIS COUSIN, THEHON. TOM DASHALL, THROUGH THE METROPOLIS; EXHIBITING A LIVING PICTURE OFFASHIONABLE CHARACTERS, MANNERS, AND AMUSEMENTS IN HIGH AND LOW LIFE

By an AMATEUR

"'Tis pleasant through the loop-holes of retreat To peep at such aworld; to see the stir Of the great Babel, and not feel the crowd. "--Cowper

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EMBELLISHED AND ILLUSTRATED WITH A SERIES OF

COLOURED PRINTS, DESIGNED AND ENGRAVED

BY MESSRS. HEATH, AIKEN, DIGHTON, ROWLANDSON, ETC. 

VOLUME I

A NEW EDITION

METHUEN & CO. LONDON

NOTE

This Issue, first published in 1905, is founded on the Edition printedfor Jones & Co. In the year 1821

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 CONTENTS:

 Chapter I. 

 Seduction from rural simplicity, page 2. Pleasures of the table, 3. Overpowering oratory, 4. A warm dispute, 5. Amicable arrangement, 6. 

 Chapter II. 

 Philosophical reflections, 7. A great master, 8. Modern jehuism, 9. A coach race, 10. A wood-nymph, 11. Improvements of the age, 12. An amateur of fashion, 13. Theatrical criticism, 14. Reflections, 15. 

 Chapter III. 

 Hyde Park, and its various characters, 16. Sir F----s B---- tt, 22, Delightful reverie, 23. 

 Chapter IV. 

 Fresh game sprung, 24. Lord C----e, alias Coal-hole George, 25. Rot at Carlton Palace, 28. Once-a-week man, 29. Sunday promenader, 30. How to raise the wind, 31. Lord Cripplegate and his Cupid, 32. Live fish, 33. Delicacy, 34. A breathless visitor, 35. 

 Chapter V. 

 A fashionable introduction, 36. A sparkling subject, 37. The true spur to genius, 38. An agreeable surprise, 39. A serious subject, 40. A pleasant fellow, 41. Lively gossip, 42. Living in style, 43. Modern good breeding, 45. Going to see "you know who, " 46. 

 Chapter VI. 

 Early morning amusements, 47. Frightening to death, 48. Improvements of the age, 49. Preparing for a swell, 50. The acmé of barberism, 51. A fine specimen of the art, 52. Duels by Cupid and Apollo, 53. Fashionable news continued, 54. Low niggardly notions, 55. Scenes from Barber-Ross-a, 56. A snip of the superfine, 59. The enraged Managers, 60. Cutting out, and cutting up, 61. The whipstitch mercury, 62. All in the wrong again, 63. A Venus de Medicis, 64. Delicacy alarmed, 65. 

 Chapter VII. 

 Preparing for a ramble, 66. A man of the town, 67. Bond Street, 68. A hanger on, 70. A man of science, 71. Dandyism, 72. Dandy heroism, 74. Inebriety reproved, 75. My uncle's card, 76. St. James's Palace, 77. Pall Mall-Waterloo Place, etc. , 79. An Irish Paddy, 80. Incorrigible prigs, 81. A hue and cry, 82. A capture, 83. A wake, with an Irish howl, 84. Vocabulary of the new school, 85. Additional company, 87. 

 Chapter VIII. 

 Public Office, Bow Street, 88. Irish generosity, 89. A bit of gig, 90. "I loves fun, " 91. A row with the Charleys, 92. Judicial sagacity, 93. Watch-house scenes, 94. A rummish piece of business, 95. The Brown Bear well baited, 96. Somerset House, 97. An importunate customer, 99. Peregrinations proposed, 100. 

 Chapter IX. 

 The Bonassus, 101. A Knight of the New Order, 102. Medical quacks, 103. Medical (not Tailors') Boards, 105. Superlative modesty, 106. Hard pulling and blowing, 107. Knightly medicals, 108. Buffers and Duffers, 109. Extremes of fortune, 110. Signs of the Times, 111. Expensive spree, 112. The young Cit, 113. All in confusion, 115. Losses and crosses, 116. Rum customers, 117. A genteel hop, 118. Max and music, 119. Amateurs and actors, 120. A well-known character, 121. Championship, 122. A grand spectacle, 123. Adulterations, 124. More important discoveries, 125. Wonders of cast-iron and steam, 126. Shops of the new school, 127. Irish paper-hanging, 128. 

 Chapter X. 

 Heterogeneous mass, 129. Attractions of the theatre, 130. Tragedy talk, 131. Authors and actors, 132. Chancery injunctions, 133. Olympic music, 134. Dandy larks and sprees, 135. The Theatre, 136. Its splendid establishment, 137. Nymphs of the saloon, 138. Torments of love and gout, 139. Prostitution, 140. A shameful business, 141. Be gone, dull care, 142. Convenient refreshment, 143. A lushy cove, 144. The sleeper awake, 145. All on lire, 146. A short parley, 147. 

 Chapter XI. 

 Fire, confusion and alarm, 148. Snuffy tabbies and boosy kids, 149. A cooler for hot disputes, 150. An overturned Charley, 151. Resurrection rigs, 152. Studies from life, 154. An agreeable situation, 155. A nocturnal visit to a lady, 156. Sharp's the word, 157. Frolicsome fellows, 158. Retirement, 159. 

 Chapter XII. 

 Tattersall's, 160. Friendly dealings, 161. Laudable company, 162. The Sportsman's exchange, 163. An unlimited order, 164. How to ease heavy pockets, 165. Body-snatchers and Bum- traps, 166. The Sharps and the Flats, 167. A secret expedition, 168. A pleasant rencontre, 169. Accommodating friends, 170. The female banker, 171. A buck of the first cut, 172. A highly finished youth, 173. An addition to the party, 174. 

 Chapter XIII. 

 A promenade, 175. Something the matter, 176. Quizzical hits, 177. London friendship, 178. Fashion versus Reason, 179. Dinners of the Ton, 180. Brilliant mob of a ball-room, 181. What can the matter be? 182. Something-A-Miss, 183. 

 Chapter XIV. 

 The centre of attraction, 185. The circulating library, 186. Library wit, 187. Fitting on the cap, 188. Breaking up, 189. Gaming, 190. Hells-Greeks-Black-legs, 191. How to become a Greek, 192. Valuable instructions, 193. Gambling-house à la Française, 194. Visitors' cards, 195. Opening scene, 196. List of Nocturnal Hells, 197. Rouge et Noir Tables, 198. Noon-day Hells, 199. Hell broke up, and the devil to pay, 200. A story, 202. Swindling Jews, 205. Ups and downs, 206. High fellows, 207. Mingled company, 208. Severe studies, 209. 

 Chapter XV. 

 Newspaper recreations, 210. Value of Newspapers, 211. Power of imagination, 212. Rich bill of fare, 213. Proposed Review of the Arts, 214. Demireps and Cyprians, 215. Dashing characters, 216. Female accommodations, 217. Rump and dozen, 218. Maggot race for a hundred, 219. Prime gig, larks and sprees, 220. Female jockeyship, 221. Delicate amusements for the fair sex, 222. Female life in London, 224. Ciphers in society, 225. Ciphers of all sorts, 226. Hydraulics, 227. Watery humours, 228. General street engagement, 229. Harmony restored, 230. 

 Chapter XVI. 

 The double disappointment, 231. Heading made easy, 232. Exhibition of Engravings, 233. How to cut a dash, 235. Dashing attitude, costume, etc. , 236. A Dasher-Street- walking, etc. , 237. Dancing--"all the go, " 238. Exhibition, Somerset House, 239. Royal Academy, Somerset House, 240. The Sister Arts, 241. Character-Caricature, etc. , 242. Moral tendency of the Arts, 243. Fresh game sprung, 244. Law and Lawyers, 245. Law qualifications, 247. Benchers, 248. Temple Libraries-Church, 249. St. Dunstan's Bell-thumpers, 250. Political Cobbler, 251. Coffee-houses, 252. Metropolitan accommodations, 253. Chop-house delights and recreations, 254. Daffy's Elixir, Blue Ruin, etc. , 256. The Queen's gin- shop, 257. 

 Chapter XVII. 

 Globe Coffee-house, 258. A humorous sort of fellow, 259. A Punster, 260. Signals and Signs, 261. Disconcerted Professors, 262. A learned Butcher, 263. A successful stratagem, 264. A misconception, 265. A picture of London, 266. All in high glee, 268. 

 Chapter XVIII. 

 A Slap at Slop, 269. A Nondescript, 270. Romanis, 271. Bow steeple-Sir Chris. Wren, 272. The Temple of Apollo, 273. Caricatures, 274. Rich stores of literature, 275. Pulpit oratory, 276. Seven reasons, 277. Street impostors and impositions, 278. Impudent beggars, 280. Wise men of the East, 281. A Royal Visitor and Courtier reproved, 282. Confusion of tongues, 284. Smoking and drinking, 285. Knights of the Round Table, 286. The joys of milling, 287. Noses and nosegays, 288. A Bumpkin in town, 289. Piggish propensities, 2907 Joys of the bowl, 291. 

 Chapter XIX. 

 Jolly boys, 292. Dark-house Lane, 293. A breeze sprung up, 294. Business done in a crack, 295. Billingsgate, 296. Refinements in language, 297. Real Life at Billingsgate, 298. The Female Fancy, 299. The Custom House, Long Room, etc. , 300. Greeting mine host, 302. A valuable customer, 303. A public character, 304. 

 Chapter xx. 

 The Tower of London, 305. Confusion of titles, 306. Interior of the Trinity House, 307. Rag Fair commerce, 308. Itinerant Jews and Depredators, 309. Lamentable state of the Jews, 310. Duke's Place and Synagogue, 311. Portuguese Jews, 312. Bank of England, 313. An eccentric character, 314. Lamentable effects of forgery, 315. Singular alteration of mind, 316. Imaginary wealth, 317. Joint Stock Companies, 318. Auction Mart-Courtois, 319. Irresistible arguments, 320. Wealth without pride, 321. Royal Exchange, 322. A prophecy fulfilled, 323. Lloyd's-Gresham Lecture, etc. , 324. The essential requisite, 325. Egress by storm, 326. 

 Chapter XXI. 

 Incident "ad infinitum, " 327. A distressed Poet, 328. Interesting calculations, 329. Ingenuity in puffing, 330. Blacking maker's Lauréat, 331. Miseries of literary pursuits, 332. Suttling house, Horse Guards, 333. Merits of two heroes, 334. Hibernian eloquence, 335. A pertinacious Disputant, 336. Peace restored-Horse Guards, 337. Old habits-The Miller's horse, 338. Covent Garden-Modern Drury, 339 A more than Herculean labour, 340. Police Office scene, 341. Bartholomew Fair, 342. A Knight of the Needle, 343. Variance of opinion, 344. A visit to the Poet, 345. Produce of literary pursuits, 346. Quantum versus Quality, 347. Publishing by subscription, 348. Wealth and ignorance, 349. Mutual gratification, 350. 

 Chapter XXII. 

 Symptoms of alarm, 351. Parties missing, 352. A strange world, 353. Wanted, and must come, 354. Expectation alive, 355. A cure for melancholy, 356. Real Life a game, 357. The game over, 358. Money-dropping arts, 359. Dividing a prize, 360. The Holy Alliance broke up, 361. New method of Hat catching, 362. Dispatching a customer, 363. Laconic colloquy, 364. Barkers, 365. A mistake corrected, 366. Pawnbrokers, 367. The biter bit, 368. Miseries of prostitution, 369. Wardrobe accommodations, 370. New species of depredation, 371. 

 Chapter XXIII. 

 The Lock-up House, 372. Real Life with John Doe, etc. , 373. Every thing done by proxy, 374. Lottery of marriage, 375. Sharp-shooting and skirmishing, 376. A fancy sketch, 377. The universal talisman, 378. Living within bounds, 379. How to live for ten years, 380. An accommodating host, 381. Life in a lock-up house, 382. 

 Chapter XXIV. 

 A successful election, 383. Patriotic intentions, 384. Political dinner, 385. Another bear-garden, 386. Charley's theatre, 387. Bear-baiting sports, 388. The coronation, 389. Coronation splendour, 390. 

 Chapter XXV. 

 Fancy sports, 392. Road to a fight, 393. New sentimental journey, 394. Travelling chaff, 395. Humours of the road, 396. Lads of the fancy, 397. Centre of attraction, 398. A force march, 399. Getting to work, 400. True game, 401. The sublime and beautiful, 402. All's well-good night, 403. 

 Chapter XXVI. 

 Promenading reflections, 404. Anticipation, 405. Preliminary observations, 406. Characters in masquerade, 407. Irish sympathy, 408. Whimsicalities of character, 409. Masquerade characters, 410. The watchman, 411. New characters, 412. The sport alive, 413. Multifarious amusements, 414. Doctors disagree, 415. Israelitish honesty, 416. 

 Chapter XXVII. 

 Ideal enjoyments, 417. A glance at new objects, 418. Street- walking nuisances, 419. Cries of London-Mud-larks, etc. , 420. The Monument, 421. London Stone, 422. General Post- Office, 423. Preparations for returning, 424. So endeth the volume, 425. 

LIST OF THE PLATES

 The Principal Characters presented to Public Exhibition throughout Real Life in London Frontispiece. 

 Illustrated Title Page. 

 Hyde Park 16

 Epsom Races 44

 Fives Court 71

 LEVEE, Carlton House 79

 Tom and Bob catching a Charley napping 92

 Theatre 130

 Lobby at Drury Lane 138

 Tattersall's 160

 Modern Hell 196

 Exhibition, Somerset House 240

 Road to a Fight (Plate 1. ) 286

 Billingsgate 298

 Political Dinner 385

 Charley's Theatre 387

 Coronation 390

 Road to a Fight (Plate 2. ) 398

 Private Turn-up 402

 Masquerade 410

REAL LIFE IN LONDON

CHAPTER I

 Triumphant returning at night with the spoil, Like Bachanals, shouting and gay: How sweet with a bottle and song to refresh, And lose the fatigues of the day. With sport, wit, and wine, fickle fortune defy, Dull 'wisdom all happiness sours; Since Life is no more than a passage at best, Let's strew the way over with flowers. 

~1~~"THEY order these things better in London, " replied the Hon. TomDashall, to an old weather-beaten sportsman, who would fain have made aconvert of our London _Sprig of Fashion_ to the sports and delights ofrural life. The party were regaling themselves after the dangers andfatigues of a very hard day's fox-chace; and, while the sparkling glasscirculated, each, anxious to impress on the minds of the company thevalue of the exploits and amusements in which he felt most delight, became more animated and boisterous in his oratory--forgetting thatexcellent regulation which forms an article in some of the rules andorders of our "_Free and Easies_" in London, "that no more than threegentlemen shall be allowed to speak at the same time. " The whole party, consisting of fourteen, like a pack in full cry, had, with the kindassistance of the "rosy god, " become at the same moment most animated, not to say vociferous, orators. The young squire, Bob Tally ho, (as hewas called) of Belville Hall, who had recently come into possession ofthis fine and extensive domain, was far from feeling indifferent to thepleasures of a sporting life, and, in the chace, had even acquired thereputation of being a "keen sportsman:" but the regular intercoursewhich took place between him and his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, ofBond Street notoriety, had in ~2~~some measure led to an indecisionof character, and often when perusing the lively and fascinatingdescriptions which the latter drew of the passing scenes in thegay metropolis, Bob would break out into an involuntary exclamationof--"Curse me, but after all, this only is Real Life; "--while, for themoment, horses, dogs, and gun, with the whole paraphernalia ofsporting, were annihilated. Indeed, to do justice to his elegantand highly-finished friend, these pictures were the production of amaster-hand, and might have made a dangerous impression on mindsmore stoical and determined than that of Bob's. The opera, theatres, fashionable pursuits, characters, objects, &c. All became in successionthe subjects of his pen; and if lively description, blended withirresistible humour and sarcastic wit, possessed any power of seduction, these certainly belonged to Bob's honourable friend and relative, as anepistolary correspondent. The following Stanzas were often recited byhim with great feeling and animation:--

 Parent of Pleasure and of many a groan, I should be loath to part with thee, I own, Dear Life! To tell the truth, I'd rather lose a _wife_, Should Heav'n e'er deem me worthy of possessing That best, that most invaluable blessing. I thank thee, that thou brought'st me into being; The things of this our world are well worth seeing; And let me add, moreover, well worth feeling; Then what the Devil would people have? These gloomy hunters of the grave, For ever sighing, groaning, canting, kneeling. Some wish they never had been born, how odd! To see the handy works of God, In sun and moon, and starry sky; Though last, not least, to see sweet Woman's charms, -- Nay, more, to clasp them in our arms, And pour the soul in love's delicious sigh, Is well worth coming for, I'm sure, Supposing that thou gav'st us nothing more. Yet, thus surrounded, Life, dear Life, I'm thine, And, could I always call thee mine, I would not quickly bid this world farewell; But whether here, or long or short my stay, I'll keep in mind for ev'ry day An old French motto, "_Vive la bagatelle!_" Misfortunes are this lottery-world's sad blanks; Presents, in my opinion, not worth thanks. The pleasures are the twenty thousand prizes, Which nothing but a _downright ass_ despises. 

It was not, however, the mere representations of Bob's friend, withwhich, (in consequence of the important result, ) we commenced ourchapter, that produced the powerful effect of fixing the wavering mindof Bob--No, it was the air--the manner--the _je ne sais quoi_, by whichthese representations were accompanied: the curled lip of contempt, andthe eye, measuring as he spoke, from top to toe, his companions, withthe cool elegant sang froid and self-possession displayed in his ownperson and manner, which became a _fiat_ with Bob, and which effectedthe object so long courted by his cousin. 

After the manner of Yorick (though, by the bye, no sentimentalist) Bobthus reasoned with himself:--"If an acquaintance with London is to givea man these airs of superiority--this ascendancy--elegance of manners, and command of enjoyments--why, London for me; and if pleasure is thegame in view, there will I instantly pursue the sport. "

The song and toast, in unison with the sparkling glass, followed eachother in rapid succession. During which, our elegant London visitorfavoured the company with the following effusion, sung in a style equalto (though unaccompanied with the affected airs and self-importance of)a first-rate professor:--

 SONG. 

 If to form and distinction, in town you would bow, Let appearance of wealth be your care: If your friends see you live, not a creature cares how, The question will only be, Where? A circus, a polygon, crescent, or place, With ideas of magnificence tally; Squares are common, streets queer, but a lane's a disgrace; And we've no such thing as an alley. A first floor's pretty well, and a parlour so so; But, pray, who can give themselves airs, Or mix with high folks, if so vulgarly low To live up in a two pair of stairs? The garret, excuse me, I mean attic floor, (That's the name, and it's right you should know it, ) Would he tenantless often; but genius will soar, And it does very well for a poet. 

These amusements of the table were succeeded by a most stormy andlengthened debate, (to use a parliamentary phrase) during which, Bob'sLondon friend had with daring heroism opposed the whole of the party, in supporting the superiority of Life in London over every pleasurethe country could afford. After copious libations to Bacchus, whoseinfluence at length effected what oratory had in vain essayed, andsilenced these contending and jarring elements, "grey-eyed Morn" peepedintrusively amid the jovial crew, and Somnus, (with the cart before thehorse) stepping softly on tip-toe after his companion, led, if not by, at least accompanied with, the music of the nose, each to his snoringpillow. 

----"Glorious resolve!" exclaimed Tom, as soon as his friend had nextmorning intimated his intention, --"nobly resolved indeed!--"What! shallhe whom Nature has formed to shine in the dance and sparkle in thering--to fascinate the fair--lead and control the fashions--attract thegaze and admiration of the surrounding crowd!--shall he pass a life, orrather a torpid existence, amid country bumpkins and Johnny-raws? Forbidit all ye powers that rule with despotic sway where Life alone is tobe found, --forbid it cards--dice--balls--fashion, and ye gay etcoteras, --forbid"----"Pon my soul, " interrupted Bob, "you havefrightened me to death! I thought you were beginning an Epic, --a thingI abominate of all others. I had rather at any time follow the pack ona foundered horse than read ten lines of Homer; so, my dear fellow, descend for God's sake from the Heroics. "

 Calmly let me, at least, begin Life's chapter, Not panting for a hurricane of rapture; Calm let me step--not riotous and jumping: With due decorum, let my heart Try to perform a sober part, Not at the ribs be ever bumping--bumping. Rapture's a charger--often breaks his girt, Runs oft", and flings his rider in the dirt. 

~5~~"However, it shall be so: adieu, my dear little roanfilly, --Snow-ball, good by, --my new patent double-barrelledpercussion--ah, I give you all up!--Order the tandem, my dear Tom, whenever you please; whisk me up to the fairy scenes you have so oftenand admirably described; and, above all things, take me as an humble anddocile pupil under your august auspices and tuition. " Says Tom, "thoureasonest well. "

The rapidity with which great characters execute their determinationshas been often remarked by authors. The dashing tandem, with itsbeautiful high-bred bits of blood, accompanied by two grooms onhorsebaek in splendid liveries, stood at the lodge-gate, and our heroeshad only to bid adieu to relatives and friends, and commence their rapidcareer. 

Before we start on this long journey of one hundred and eighty miles, with the celerity which is unavoidable in modern travelling, it may beprudent to ascertain that our readers are still in company, and that weall start fairly together; otherwise, there is but little probabilityof our ever meeting again on the journey;--so now to satisfy queries, remarks, and animadversions. 

"Why, Sir, I must say it is a new way of introducing a story, andappears to me very irregular. --What! tumble your hero neck and heelsinto the midst of a drunken fox-hunting party, and then carry himoff from his paternal estate, without even noticing his ancestors, relatives, friends, connexions, or prospects--without any descriptionof romantic scenery on the estate--without so much as an allusion to thefemale who first kindled in his breast the tender passion, or a detailof those incidents with which it is usually connected!--a strange, verystrange way indeed this of commencing. "

"My dear Sir, I agree with you as to the deviation from customary rules:but allow me to ask, --is not one common object--amusement, all we havein view? Suppose then, by way of illustration, you were desirous ofarriving at a given place or object, to which there were several roads, and having traversed one of these till the monotony of the scene hadrendered every object upon it dull and wearisome, would you quarrel withthe traveller who pointed out another road, merely because it was a newone? Considering the impatience of our young friends, the one to returnto scenes in which alone he can ~6~~live, and the other to realizeideal dreams of happiness, painted in all the glowing tints that awarm imagination and youthful fancy can pourtray, it will be impossiblelonger to continue the argument. Let me, therefore, entreat you to cutit short--accompany us in our rapid pursuit after Life in London; norrisk for the sake of a little peevish criticism, the cruel reflection, that by a refusal, you would, probably, be in _at the death_ of theAuthor--by Starvation. "

CHAPTER II

 "The panting steed the hero's empire feel, Who sits triumphant o'er the flying wheel, And as he guides it through th' admiring throng, With what an air he holds the reins, and smacks the silken thong!"

ORDINARY minds, in viewing distant objects, first see the obstacles thatintervene, magnify the difficulty of surmounting them, and sit down indespair. The man of genius with his mind's-eye pointed steadfastly, likethe needle towards the pole, on the object of his ambition, meets andconquers every difficulty in detail, and the mass dissolves beforehim as the mountain snow yields, drop by drop, to the progressive butinvincible operation of the solar beam. Our honourable friend was wellaware that a perfect knowledge of the art of driving, and the characterof a "_first-rate whip_, " were objects worthy his ambition; and that, to hold four-in-hand--turn a corner in style--handle the reins inform--take a fly off the tip of his leader's ear--square the elbows, andkeep the wrists pliant, were matters as essential to the formation of aman of fashion as _dice or milling_: it was a principle he had long laiddown and strictly adhered to, that whatever tended to the completionof that character, should be acquired to the very acmé of perfection, without regard to ulterior consequences, or minor pursuits. 

In an early stage, therefore, of his fashionable course of studies, the whip became an object of careful solicitude; and after some privatetuition, he first exhibited his prowess about twice a week, on thebox of a Windsor stage, tipping coachy a crown for the indulgence andimprovement it afforded. Few could boast of being more fortunateduring a noviciate: two overturns only occurred in the whole course ofpractice, and except the trifling accident of an old lady being killed, a shoulder or two dislocated, and about half a dozen legs and arms~8~~broken, belonging to people who were not at all known in highlife, nothing worthy of notice may be said to have happened on theseoccasions. 'Tis true, some ill-natured remarks appeared in one of thepublic papers, on the "conduct of coachmen entrusting the reins toyoung practitioners, and thus endangering the lives of his majesty'ssubjects;" but these passed off like other philanthropic suggestions ofthe day, unheeded and forgotten. 

The next advance of our hero was an important step. The mail-coach isconsidered the school; its driver, the great master of the art--the_Phidias_ of the statuary--the _Claude_ of the landscape-painter. Toapproach him without preparatory instruction and study, would be likean attempt to copy the former without a knowledge of anatomy, or thelatter, while ignorant of perspective. The standard of excellence--themodel of perfection, all that the highest ambition can attain, is toapproach as near as possible the original; to attempt a deviation, wouldbe to _bolt out of the course, snap the curb, and run riot_. Sensibleof the importance of his character, accustomed to hold the reins ofarbitrary power; and seated where will is law, the mail-whip carriesin his appearance all that may be expected from his elevated situation. Stern and sedate in his manner, and given to taciturnity, he speakssententiously, or in monosyllables. If he passes on the road even anhumble follower of the profession, with four tidy ones in hand, heviews him with ineffable contempt, and would consider it an irreparabledisgrace to appear conscious of the proximity. Should it be a countrygentleman of large property and influence, and he held the reins, and handled the whip with a knowledge of the art, so to "get over theground, " coachy might, perhaps, notice him "_en passant_, " by a slightand familiar nod; but it is only the peer, or man of first-rate sportingcelebrity, that is honoured with any thing like a familiar mark ofapprobation and acquaintance; and these, justly appreciating the prouddistinction, feel higher gratification by it than any thing the monarchcould bestow: it is an inclination of the head, not forward, in themanner of a nod, but towards the off shoulder, accompanied with acertain jerk and elevation from the opposite side. But here neither pennor pencil can depict; it belongs to him alone whose individual powerscan nightly keep the house ~9~~in a roar, to catch the living manner andpresent it to the eye. 

 "----A merrier man

 Within the limit of becoming mirth, I never spent an hour's talk withall: His eye begets occasion for his wit; For every object that the one doth catch The other turns to a mirth-moving jest. "

And now, gentle reader, if the epithet means any thing, you cannot butfeel disposed to good humour and indulgence: Instead of rattling youoff, as was proposed at our last interview, and whirling you at therate of twelve miles an hour, exhausted with fatigue, and half _dead_in pursuit of _Life_, we have proceeded gently along the road, amusingourselves by the way, rather with drawing than driving. 'Tis high time, however, we made some little progress in our journey: "Come Bob, take the reins--push on--keep moving--touch up the leader into ahand-gallop--give Snarler his head--that's it my tight one, keep out ofthe ruts--mind your quartering--not a gig, buggy, tandem, or tilbury, have we yet seen on the road--what an infernal place for a humanbeing to inhabit!--curse me if I had not as lief emigrate to the backsettlements of America: one might find some novelty and amusementthere--I'd have the woods cleared--cut out some turnpike-roads, and, like Palmer, start the first mail"----"Stop, Tom, don't set off yetto the Illinois--here's something ahead, but what the devil it is Icant guess--why it's a barge on wheels, and drove four-in-hand. "--"Ha, ha--barge indeed, Bob, you seem to know as much about coaches as Snarlerdoes of Back-gammon: I suppose you never see any thing in this quarterbut the old heavy Bridgewater--why we have half a dozen new launchesevery week, and as great a variety of names, shape, size, and colour, as there are ships in the navy--we have the heavy coach, light coach, Caterpillar, and Mail--the Balloon, Comet, Fly, Dart, Regulator, Telegraph, Courier, Times, High-flyer, Hope, with as many others aswould fill a list as long as my tandem-whip. What you now see is one ofthe _new patent safety-coaches_--you can't have an overturn if you'reever so disposed for a spree. The old city cormorants, after a gorge ofmock-turtle, turn into them for a journey, and drop off in a ~~10~~nap, with as much confidence of security to their neck and limbs as if theyhad mounted a rocking-horse, or drop't into an arm-chair. "--"Ah! come, the scene improves, and becomes a little like Life--here's a dashermaking up to the Safety--why its--no, impossible--can't be--gad itis tho'--the Dart, by all that's good! and drove by Hell-fireDick!--there's a fellow would do honour to any box--drove the CambridgeFly three months--pass'd every thing on the road, and because heoverturned in three or four hard matches, the stupid rascals ofproprietors moved him off the ground. Joe Spinum, who's at CorpusChristi, matched Dick once for 50, when he carried five insideand thirteen at top, besides heavy luggage, against the otherCambridge--never was a prettier race seen at Newmarket--Dick musthave beat hollow, but a d----d fat alderman who was inside, and feltalarmed at the velocity of the vehicle, moved to the other end of theseat: this destroyed the equilibrium--over they went, into a four-feetditch, and Joe lost his match. However, he had the satisfaction ofhearing afterwards, that the old cormorant who occasioned his loss, hadnearly burst himself by the concussion. "

"See, see!--Dick's got up to, and wants to give the Safety the goby--gad, its a race--go it Dick--now Safety--d----d good cattleboth--lay it in to 'em Dick--leaders neck and neck--pretty raceby G----! Ah, its of no use Safety--Dick wont stand it--a deadbeat--there she goes--all up--over by Jove "----"I can't see for thattree--what do you say Tom, is the race over?"--"Race, ah! and the coachtoo--knew Dick would beat him--would have betted the long odds themoment I saw it was him. "

The tandem had by this time reached the race-course, and the disasterwhich Tom had hardly thought worth noticing in his lively description ofthe sport, sure enough had befallen the _new 'patent Safety_, which wasabout mid way between an upright and a side position, supported by thehigh and very strong quicksett-hedge against which it hath fallen. Ourheroes dismounted, left Flip at the leader's head, and with Ned, theother groom, proceeded to offer their services. Whilst engaged inextricating the horses, which had become entangled in their harness, andwere kicking and plunging, their attention was arrested by the screamsand outrageous vociferations of a very fat, middle-aged woman, whohad ~11~~been jerked from her seat on the box to one not quite sosmooth--the top of the hedge, which, with the assistance of an old aldertree, supported the coach. Tom found it impossible to resist the violentimpulse to risibility which the ludicrous appearance of the old ladyexcited, and as no serious injury was sustained, determined to enjoy thefun. 

 "If e'er a pleasant mischief sprang to view, At once o'er hedge and ditch away he flew, Nor left the game till he had run it down. "

Approaching her with all the gravity of countenance he was masterof--"Madam, " says he, "are we to consider you as one of the SylvanDeities who preside over these scenes, or connected in any way with thevehicle?"--"Wehicle, indeed, you _hunhuman-brutes_, instead of assistinga poor distressed female who has been chuck'd from top of that there_safety-thing_, as they calls it, into such a dangerous _pisition_, youmust be chuckling and grinning, must you? I only wish my husband, Mr. Giblet, was here, he should soon wring your necks, and pluck some ofyour fine feathers for you, and make you look as foolish as a peacockwithout his tail. " Mrs. Giblet's ire at length having subsided, she washanded down in safety on _terra firma_, and our heroes transferred theirassistance to the other passengers. The violence of the concussion hadburst open the coach-door on one side, and a London _Dandy_, of theexquisite genus, lay in danger of being pressed to a jelly beneath theweight of an infirm and very stout old farmer, whom they had pick'd upon the road; and it was impossible to get at, so as to afford relief tothe sufferers, till the coach was raised in a perpendicular position. The farmer was no sooner on his legs, than clapping his hand withanxious concern into an immense large pocket, he discovered that abottle of brandy it contained was crack'd, and the contents beginning toescape: "I ax pardon, young gentleman, " says he, seizing a hat that thelatter held with great care in his hand, and applying it to catch theliquor--"I ax pardon for making so free, but I see the hat is a littleout of order, and can't be much hurt; and its a pity to waste theliquor, such a price as it is now-a-days. "--"Sir, what do you mean, shouldn't have thought of your taking such liberties indeed, but makesgood the old saying--impudence and ~12~~ignorance go together: my hatout of order, hey! I'd have you to know, Sir, that _that there_ hatwas bought of Lloyd, in Newgate-street, {1} only last Thursday, -and costeighteen shillings; and if you look at the book in his _vindow_ onhats, dedicated to the head, you'll find that this here hat is a realexquisite; so much for what you know about hats, my old fellow--I burstmy stays all to pieces in saving it from being squeezed out of shape, and now this old brute has made a brandy-bottle of it. "--"Oh! oh! myyoung Miss in disguise, " replied the farmer, "I thought I smelt arat when the Captain left the coach, under pretence of walking up thehill--what, I suppose vou are bound for Gretna, both of vou, hev youngLady?"

Every thing appertaining to the coach being now righted, our youngfriends left the company to adjust their quarrels and pursue theirjourney at discretion, anxious to reach the next town as expeditiouslyas possible, where they purposed sleeping for the night. They mountedthe tandem, smack went the whip, and in a few minutes the stage-coachand its motley group had disappeared. 

Having reached their destination, and passed the night comfortably, theynext morning determined to kill an hour or two in the town; and weretaking a stroll arm in arm, when perceiving by a playbill, that anamateur of fashion from the theatres royal, Drury Lane and Haymarket, was just _come in_, and would shortly _come out_, 1 It would be injustice to great talents, not to notice, among other important discoveries and improvements of the age, the labours of Lloyd, who has classified and arranged whatever relates to that necessary article of personal elegance, the Hat. He has given the world a volume on the subject of Hats, dedicated to their great patron, the Head, in which all the endless varieties of shape, dependent before on mere whim and caprice, are reduced to fixed principles, and designated after the great characters by which each particular fashion was first introduced. The advantages to gentlemen residing in the country must be incalculable: they have only to refer to the engravings in Mr. Lloyd's work, where every possible variety is clearly defined, and to order such as may suit the rank or character in life they either possess, or wish to assume. The following enumeration comprises a few of the latest fashions: --The Wellington--The Regent--The Caroline--The Bashful--The Dandy--The Shallow--The Exquisite--The Marquis --The New Dash--The Clerieus--The Tally-ho--The Noble Lord-- The Taedum--The Bang-up--The Irresistible--The Bon Ton--The Paris Beau--The Baronet--The Eccentric--The Bit of Blood, &c. 

~13~~in a favourite character, they immediately directed their stepstowards a barn, with the hope of witnessing a rehearsal. Chanceintroduced them to the country manager, and Tom having asked severalquestions about this candidate, was assured by Mr. Mist:

"Oh! he is a gentleman-performer, and very useful to us managers, for henot only finds his own dresses and properties, but 'struts and fretshis hour on the stage without any emoluments. His aversion to salaryrecommended him to the lessee of Drury-lane theatre, though his serviceshad been previously rejected by the sub-committee. "

"Can it be that game-cock, the gay Lothario, " said Tom, "who sports animmensity of diamonds?"--

Of Coates's frolics he of course well knew, Rare pastime for theragamuffin crew! Who welcome with the crowing of a cock, This hero ofthe buskin and sock. 

"Oh! no, " rejoined Mr. Mist, "that cock don't crow now: this gentleman, I assure you, has been at a theatrical school; he was instructed by theperson who made Master Bettv a young Roscius. "

Tom shook his head, as if he doubted the abilities of this instructedactor. To be a performer, he thought as arduous as to be a poet; andif _poeta nascitur, non fit_--consequently an actor must have naturalabilities. 

"And pray what character did this gentleman enact at Drury-laneTheatre?"

"Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, " answered Mr. Mist--"Shakespeare is hisfavourite author. "

"And what said the critics--'to be, or not to be'--I suppose he repeatedthe character?"

"Oh! Sir, it was stated in the play-bill, that he met with greatapplause, and he was announced for the character again; but, as the FreeList was not suspended, and our amateur dreaded some hostility from thatquarter, he performed the character by proxy, and repeated it at theLittle Theatre in the Haymarket. "

"Then the gentlemen of the Free List, " remarked Bob, "are free andeasy?"

"Yes--yes--they laugh and cough whenever they please: indeed, they aregenerally excluded whenever a ~14~~full house is expected, as _readymoney_ is an object to the poor manager of Drury-lane Theatre. TheBritish Press, however, is always excepted. "

"The British press!--Oh! you mean the newspapers, " exclaimed Tom--"thenI dare say they were very favourable to this Amateur of Fashion?"

"No--not very--indeed; they don't join the manager in his puffs, notwithstanding his marked civility to them: one said he was a methodistpreacher, and sermonized the character--another assimilated him to aschool-boy saying his lesson--in short, they were very ill-natured--buthush--here he is--walk in, gentlemen, and you shall hear him rehearsesome of King Richard"--

"King Richard!" What ambition! thought Bob to himself--"late a Prince, and now--a king!"

"I assure you, " continued Mr. Mist, "that all his readings are new; butaccording to my humble observation, his action does not always suit theword--for when he exclaims--' may Hell make crook'd my mind, ' he looksup to Heaven"--

"Looks up to Heaven!" exclaimed Tom; "then this London star makes asolecism with his eyes. "

Our heroes now went into the barn, and took a private corner, when theyremained invisible. Their patience was soon exhausted, and Bob and hishonourable cousin were both on the fidgits, when the representative ofKing Richard exclaimed--

"Give me a horse----"

"--Whip!" added Tom with stunning vociferation, before King Richardcould bind up his wounds. The amateur started, and betrayed consummateembarrassment, as if the horsewhip had actually made its entrance. Tomand his companion stole away, and left the astounded monarch with thewords--"twas all a dream. "

While returning to the inn, our heroes mutually commented on theambition and folly of those amateurs of fashion, who not only sacrificetime and property, but absolutely take abundant pains to renderthemselves ridiculous. "Certainly, " says Tom, "this _cacoethes ludendi_has made fools of several: this infatuated youth though not possessedof a single requisite for the stage, no doubt flatters himself he isa second Kean; and, regardless ~15~~of his birth and family, he willcontinue his strolling life

 Till the broad shame comes staring in his face, And critics hoot the blockhead as he struts. "

Having now reached the inn, and finding every thing adjusted for theirprocedure, our heroes mounted their vehicle, and went in full gallop forReal Life in London. 

CHAPTER III

 "Round, round, and round-about, they whiz, they fly, With eager worrying, whirling here and there, They know, nor whence, nor whither, where, nor why. In utter hurry-scurry, going, coming, Maddening the summer air with ceaseless humming. "

~16~~OUR travellers now approached at a rapid rate, the desideratimof their eager hopes and wishes: to one all was novel, wonderful, andfascinating; to the other, it was the welcome return to an old andbeloved friend, the separation from whom had but increased the ardourof attachment. --"We, now, " says Dashall, "are approaching Hyde-Park, and being Sunday, a scene will at once burst upon you, far surpassingin reality any thing I have been able to pourtray, notwithstandingthe flattering compliments you have so often paid to my talents fordescription. "

[Illustration: page16 Hyde-Park]

They had scarcely entered the Park-gate, when Lady Jane Townley'scarriage crossed them, and Tom immediately approached it, to pay hisrespects to an old acquaintance. Her lady-ship congratulated him on hisreturn to town, lamented the serious loss the _beau-monde_ had sustainedby his absence, and smiling archly at his young friend, was happyto find he had not returned empty-handed, but with a recruit, whoseappearance promised a valuable accession to their select circle. "Youwould not have seen me here, " continued her ladyship, "but I vow andprotest it is utterly impossible to make a prisoner of one's self, sucha day as this, merely because it is Sunday--for my own part, I wishthere was no such thing as a Sunday in the whole year--there's noknowing what to do with one's self. When fine, it draws out as manyinsects as a hot sun and a shower of rain can produce in the middle ofJune. The vulgar plebeians flock so, that you can scarcely get into yourbarouche without being hustled by the men-milliners, linen-drapers, andshop-boys, who ~17~~have been serving you all the previous part ofthe week; and wet, or dry, there's no bearing it. For my part, I am_ennuyée_, beyond measure, on that day, and find no little difficulty ingetting through it without a fit of the horrors. 

"What a legion of counter-coxcombs!" exclaimed she, as we passedGrosvenor-gate. "Upon the plunder of the till, or by overchargingsome particular article sold on the previous day, it is easy for these_once-a-week_ beaux to hire a tilbury, and an awkward groom in a pepperand salt, or drab coat, like the _incog. _ of the royal family, to mixwith their betters and sport their persons in the drive of fashion: someof the monsters, too, have the impudence of bowing to ladies whom theydo not know, merely to give them an air, or pass off their customers fortheir acquaintance: its very distressing. There!" continued she, "theregoes my plumassier, with gilt spurs like a field-officer, and ridingas importantly as if he were one of the Lords of the Treasury; or--ah!there, again, is my banker's clerk, so stiff and so laced up, that hemight pass for an Egyptian mummy--the self-importance of these puppiesis insufferable! What impudence! he has picked up some groom out ofplace, with a cockade in his hat, by way of imposing on the world for a_beau militaire_. What will the world come to! I really have not commonpatience with these creatures. I have long since left off going to theplay on a Saturday night, because, independently of my preference forthe Opera, these insects from Cornhill or Whitechapel, shut up theirshops, cheat their masters, and commence their airs of importance aboutnine o'clock. Then again you have the same party crowding the Park ona Sunday; but on the following day, return, like school boys, to theirwork, and you see them with their pen behind their ear, calculating howto make up for their late extravagances, pestering you with lies, andurging you to buy twice as much as you want, then officiously offeringtheir arm at your carriage-door. "

Capt. Bergamotte at this moment came up to the carriage, perfumed like amilliner, his colour much heightened by some vegetable dye, and resolvedneither to "blush unseen, " nor "waste his sweetness on the desert air. "Two false teeth in front, shamed the others a little in their ivorypolish, and his breath savoured of myrrh like a heathen sacrifice, orthe incense burned in ~18~~one of their temples. He thrust his horse'shead into the carriage, rather abruptly and indecorously, (as one notaccustomed to the haut-ton might suppose) but it gave no offence. Hesmiled affectedly, adjusted his hat, pulled a lock of hair across hisforehead, with a view of shewing the whiteness of the latter, and next, that the glossiness of the former must have owed its lustre to at leasttwo hours brushing, arranging, and perfuming; used his quizzing-glass, and took snuff with a flourish. Lady Townley condescended to caress thehorse, and to display her lovely white arm ungloved, with which shepatted the horse's neck, and drew a hundred admiring eyes. 

The exquisite all this time brushed the animal gently with ahighly-scented silk handkerchief, after which he displayed a cambricone, and went through a thousand little playful airs and affectations, which Bob thought would have suited a fine lady better than a lieutenantin his Majesty's brigade of guards. Applying the lines of an inimitablesatire, (The Age of Frivolity) to the figure before him, he concluded:

 "That gaudy dress and decorations gay, The tinsel-trappings of a vain array. The spruce trimm'd jacket, and the waving plume, The powder'd head emitting soft perfume; These may make fops, but never can impart The soldier's hardy frame, or daring heart; May in Hyde-Park present a splendid train, But are not weapons for a dread campaign; May please the fair, who like a tawdry beau, But are not fit to check an active foe; Such heroes may acquire sufficient skill To march erect, and labour through a drill; In some sham-fight may manfully hold out, But must not hope an enemy to rout. "

Although he talked a great deal, the whole amount of his discourse wasto inform her Ladyship that (_Stilletto_) meaning his horse, (who intruth appeared to possess more fire and spirit than his rider couldeither boast of or command, ) had cost him only 700 guineas, and was_prime blood_; that the horse his groom rode, was _nothing but a_good one_, and had run at the _Craven--that he had been prodigiouslyfortunate that season on the turf--that he was a bold rider, and couldnot bear himself without a fine high spirited animal--and, that beingengaged to dine at ~19~~three places that day, he was desperately at aloss to know how he should act; but that if her Ladyship dined at anyone of the three, he would certainly join that party, and _cut_ theother two. 

At this moment, a mad-brained ruffian of quality, with a splendidequipage, came driving by with four in hand, and exclaimed as he flewpast, in an affected tone, --"All! Tom, my dear fellow, --why where thedevil have you hid yourself of late?" The speed of his cattle preventedthe possibility of reply. "Although you see him in such excellent trim, "observed Tom to Lady Jane, "though his cattle and equipage are so wellappointed, would you suppose, it, he has but just made his appearancefrom the Bench after _white-washing?_ But he is a noble spiritedfellow, " remarked the exquisite, "drives the best horses, and is one ofthe first whips in town; always gallant and gay, full of life and goodhumour; and, I am happy to say, he has now a dozen of as fine horsesas any in Christendom, _bien entendu_, kept in my name. " After thisexplanation of the characters of his friend and his horses, he kissedhis hand to her Ladyship, and was out of sight in an instant, "Adieu, adieu, thou dear, delightful sprig of fashion!" said Lady Jane, as heleft the side of the carriage. --"Fashion and folly, " said Tom, halfwhispering, and recalling to his mind the following lines:--

 "Oh! Fashion, to thy wiles, thy votaries owe Unnumber'd pangs of sharp domestic woe. What broken tradesmen and abandon'd wives Curse thy delusion through their wretched lives; What pale-faced spinsters vent on thee their rage, And youths decrepid e're they come of age. "

His moralizing reverie was however interrupted by her Ladyship, who perceiving a group of females decked in the extreme of Parisianfashions, "there, " said she, "there is all that taffeta, feathers, flowers, and lace can do; and yet you see by their loud talking, theirbeing unattended by a servant, and by the bit of straw adhering to thepettycoat of one of them, that they come all the way from Fish StreetHill, or the Borough, in a hackney-coach, and are now trying to play offthe airs of women of fashion. "

Mrs. Marvellous now drew up close to the party. "My dear Lady Jane, "said she, "1 am positively suffocated with dust, and sickened withvulgarity; but to be sure we ~20~~have every thing in London here, fromthe House of Peers to Waterloo House. I must tell you about thetrial, and Lady Barbara's mortification, and about poor Mr. R. 's beingarrested, and the midnight flight to the Continent of our poor friendW----. "

With this brief, but at the same time comprehensive introduction, shelacerated the reputation of almost all her acquaintance, and excitedgreat attention from the party, which had been joined by several duringher truly interesting intelligence. Every other topic in a moment gaveway to this delightful amusement, and each with volubility contributedhis or her share to the general stock of slander. 

Scandal is at all times the _sauce piquante_ that _currys_ incident inevery situation; and where is the fashionable circle that can sit downto table without made dishes?--Character is the good old-fashioned roastbeef of the table, which no one touches but to mangle and destroy. 

 "Lord! who'd have thought our cousin D Could think of marrying Mrs. E. True I don't like such things to tell; But, faith, I pity Mrs. L, And was I her, the bride to vex, I would engage with Mrs. X. But they do say that Charlotte U, With Fanny M, and we know who, Occasioned all, for you must know They set their caps at Mr. O. And as he courted Mrs. E, They thought, if she'd have cousin D, That things might be by Colonel A Just brought about in their own way. "

Our heroes now took leave, and proceeded through the Park. "Who is thatfat, fair, and forty-looking dame, in the landau?" says Bob. --"Yourdescription shews, " rejoined his friend, "you are but a novice in theworld of fashion--you are deceived, that lady is as much made up as awax-doll. She has been such as she now appears to be for these lastfive and twenty years; her figure as you see, rather en-bon point, isfriendly to the ravages of time, and every lineament of age is artfullyfilled up by an expert fille de chambre, whose time has been employedat the toilette of a celebrated devotee in Paris. She drives through thePark as a matter of course, merely to furnish an opportunity for sayingthat she has been there: but the more important business of the morningwill be transacted ~21~~at her boudoir, in the King's Road, whereevery luxury is provided to influence the senses; and where, by dailyappointment, she is expected to meet a sturdy gallant. She is a perfectMessalina in her enjoyments; but her rank in society protects her fromsustaining any injury by her sentimental wanderings. 

"Do you see that tall handsome man on horseback, who has just takenoff his hat to her, he is a knight of the . . . Ribbon; and a well-knownflutterer among the ladies, as well as a vast composer of pretty littlenothings. "--"Indeed! and pray, cousin, do you see that lady of quality, just driving in at the gate in a superb yellow vis-à-vis, --as you seemto know every body, who is she?"

"Ha! ha! ha!" replied Tom, almost bursting with laughter, yetendeavouring to conceal it, "that Lady of Quality, as you are inclinedto think her, a very few years since, was nothing more than a pot-girlto a publican in Marj'-le-bone; but an old debauchee (upon the lookout for defenceless beauty) admiring the fineness of her form, thebrilliancy of her eye, and the symmetry of her features, became thepossessor of her person, and took her into keeping, as one of theindispensable appendages of fashionable life, after a month's ablutionat Margate, where he gave her masters of every description. Herunderstanding was ready, and at his death, which happened, luckily forher, before satiety had extinguished appetite, she was left withan annuity of twelve hundred pounds--improved beauty--superficialaccomplishments--and an immoderate share of caprice, insolence, and vanity. As a proof of this, I must tell you that at an elegantentertainment lately given by this dashing cyprian, she demolished adesert service of glass and china that cost five hundred guineas, in afit of passionate ill-humour; and when her paramour intreated her to bemore composed, she became indignant--called for her writing-desk in arage--committed a settlement of four hundred a year, which he had madebut a short time previously, to the flames, and asked him, with, aself-important air, whether he dared to suppose that _paltry_ parchmentgave him an authority to direct her actions?"

"And what said the lover to this severe remonstrance?"

"Say, --why he very sensibly made her a low bow, thanked her for herkindness, in releasing him from his bond, and took his leave of her, determined to return no more. "

22~~"Turn to the right, " says Tom, "and yonder you will see onhorseback, that staunch patriot, and friend of the people, Sir----, ofwhom you must have heard so much. "

"He has just come out of the K----B----, having completed last weekthe term of imprisonment, to which he was sentenced for a libel onGovernment, contained in his address to his constituents on the subjectof the memorable Manchester Meeting. "

"Ah! indeed, and is that the red-hot patriot?--well, I must say I haveoften regretted he should have gone to such extremes in one or twoinstances, although I ever admired his general character for firmness, manly intrepidity, and disinterested conduct. "

"You are right, Bob, perfectly right; but you know, 'to err is human, toforgive divine, ' and however he may err, he does so from principle. In his private character, as father, husband, friend, and polishedgentleman, he has very few equals--no superior. 

"He is a branch of one of the most ancient families in the kingdom, andcan trace his ancestors without interruption, from the days of Williamthe Conqueror. His political career has been eventful, and perhaps hascost him more, both in pocket and person, than any Member of Parliamentnow existing. He took his seat in the House of Commons at an early age, and first rendered himself popular by his strenuous opposition to a billpurporting to regulate the publication of newspapers. 

"The next object of his determined reprehension, was theCold-Bath-Fields Prison, and the treatment of the unfortunates thereinconfined. The uniformly bold and energetic language made use of bythe honourable Baronet upon that occasion, breathed the true spirit ofBritish liberty. He reprobated the unconstitutional measure of erectingwhat he termed a _Bastile_ in the very heart of a free country, asone that could neither have its foundation in national policy, noreventually be productive of private good. He remarked that prisons, atwhich private punishments, cruel as they were illegal, were exercised, at the mercy of an unprincipled gaoler--cells in which human beings wereexposed to the horrors of heart-sickening solitude, and depressed inspirit by their restriction to a scanty and exclusive allowance ofbread and water, were not only incompatible with the spirit of theconstitution, but were likely to prove injurious to the spirit of the23~~people of this happy country; for as Goldsmith admirably remarks, "Princes and Lords may nourish or may fade, A breath can make them as a breath hath made, But a bold peasantry their country's pride, When once destroyed can never be supplied. "

"_And if this be not tyranny_" continued the philanthropic orator, "_it is impossible to define the term. I promise you here_ that I willpersevere to the last in unmasking this wanton abuse of justice andhumanity. " His invincible fortitude in favour of the people, hasrendered him a distinguished favourite among them: and though by some heis termed a visionary, an enthusiast, and a tool of party, his adherenceto the rights of the subject, and his perseverance to uphold theprinciples of the constitution, are deserving the admiration of everyEnglishman; and although his fortune is princely, and has been at hiscommand ever since an early age, he has never had his name registeredamong the fashionable gamesters at the clubs in St. James's-street, Newmarket, or elsewhere. He labours in the vineyard of utility ratherthan in the more luxuriant garden of folly; and, according to generalconception, may emphatically be called an honest man. "But come, " saidTom, "it is time for us to move homeward--the company are drawing off Isee, we must shape our course towards Piccadilly. "

They dashed through the Park, not however without being saluted by manyof his fashionable friends, who rejoiced to see that the HonourableTom Dashall was again to be numbered among the votaries of Real Life inLondon; while the young squire, whose visionary orbs appeared to bein perpetual motion, dazzled with the splendid equipages of the movingpanorama, was absorbed in reflections somewhat similar to the following:

 "No spot on earth to me is half so fair As Hyde-Park Corner, or St. James's Square; And Happiness has surely fix'd her seat In Palace Yard, Pall Mall, or Downing Street: Are hills, and dales, and valleys half so gay As bright St. James's on a levee day? What fierce ecstatic transports fire my soul, To hear the drivers swear, the coaches roll; The Courtier's compliment, the Ladies' clack, The satins rustle, and the whalebone crack!"

CHAPTER IV

 "Together let us beat this ample field Try what the open, what the covert yield: The latent tracts, the giddy heights explore Of all who blindly creep, or sightless soar; Eye nature's walks, shoot folly as it flies, And catch the manners living as they rise. "

~~24~IT was half past five when the Hon. Tom Dashall, and his enrapturedcousin, reached the habitation of the former, who had taken care todispatch a groom, apprizing Mrs. Watson, the house-keeper, of hisintention to be at home by half past six to dinner; consequently allwas prepared for their reception. The style of elegance in which Tomappeared to move, struck Tallyho at once with delight and astonishment, as they entered the drawing-room; which was superbly and tastefullyfitted up, and commanded a cheerful view of Piccadilly. "Welcome, mydear Bob!" said Tom to his cousin, "to all the delights of Town--come, tell me what you think of its first appearance, only remember youcommence your studies of Life in London on a dull day; to-morrow youwill have more enlivening prospects before you. " "'Why in truth, "replied Bob, "the rapidity of attraction is such, as at present to leaveno distinct impressions on my mind; all appears like enchantment, andI am completely bewildered in a labyrinth of wonders, to which thereappears to be no end; but under your kind guidance and tuition I mayprove myself an apt scholar, in unravelling its intricacies. " By thistime they had approached the window. 

"Aye, aye, " says Dashall, "we shall not be long, I see, without someobject to exercise your mind upon, and dispel the horrors. 

 "Oh for that Muse of fire, whose burning pen Records the God-like deeds of valiant men! Then might our humble, yet aspiring verse, Our matchless hero's matchless deeds rehearse. "

~25~~Bob was surprised at this sudden exclamation of his cousin, andfrom the introduction naturally expected something extraordinary, thoughhe looked around him without discovering his object. 

"That, " continued Tom, "is a Peer"--pointing to a gig just turning thecorner, "of whom it may be said:

 To many a jovial club that _Peer_ was known, With whom his active wit unrivall'd shone, Choice spirit, grave freemason, buck and blood, Would crowd his stories and _bon mots_ to hear, And none a disappointment e'er need fear His humour flow'd in such a copious flood. "

"It is Lord C----, who was formerly well known as the celebrated MajorH----, the companion of the now most distinguished personage in theBritish dominions! and who not long since became possessed of hislordly honours. Some particulars of him are worth knowing. He wasearly introduced into life, and often kept both good and bad company, associating with men and women of every description and of every rank, from the highest to the lowest--from St. James's to St. Giles's, inpalaces and night-cellars--from the drawing-room to the dust-cart. Hecan drink, swear, tell stories, cudgel, box, and smoke with any one;having by his intercourse with society fitted himself for all companies. His education has been more practical than theoretical, though he wasbrought up at Eton, where, notwithstanding he made considerable progressin his studies, he took such an aversion to Greek that he never wouldlearn it. Previous to his arrival at his present title, he used to becalled Honest George, and so unalterable is his nature, that to thishour he likes it, and it fits him better than his title. But he hasoften been sadly put to his shifts under various circumstances: he wasa courtier, but was too honest for that; he tried gaming, but he was toohonest for that; he got into prison, and might have wiped off, but hewas too honest for that; he got into the coal trade, but he found it ablack business, and he was too honest for that. At drawing the longbow, so much perhaps cannot be said--but that you know is habit, notprinciple; his courage is undoubted, having fought three duels before hewas twenty years of age. 

Being disappointed in his hope of promotion in the army, he resolved, inspite of the remonstrances of his ~26~~friends, to quit the guards, and solicited an appointment in one of the Hessian corps, at thattime raising for the British service in America, where the war of therevolution was then commencing, and obtained from the Landgrave of Hessea captain's commission in his corps of Jagers. 

Previous to his departure for America, finding he had involved himselfin difficulties by a profuse expenditure, too extensive for his income, and an indulgence in the pleasures of the turf to a very great extent, he felt himself under the necessity of mortgaging an estate of about11, 000L. Per annum, left him by his aunt, and which proved unequal tothe liquidation of his debts. He remained in America till the end of thewar, where he distinguished himself for bravery, and suffered much withthe yellow fever. On his return, he obtained an introduction to thePrince of Wales, who by that time had lanched into public life, andbecame one of the jovial characters whom he selected for his associates;and many are the amusing anecdotes related of him. The Prince conferredon him the appointment of equerry, with a salary of 300L. A year; this, however, he lost on the retrenchments that were afterwards made in thehousehold of His Royal Highness. He continued, however, to be one ofhis constant companions, and while in his favour they were accustomedto practice strange vagaries. The Major was always a wag, ripe and readyfor a _spree or a lark_. 

 "To him a frolic was a high delight, A frolic he would hunt for, day and night, Careless how prudence on the sport might frown. "

At one time, when the favourite's finances were rather low, and the_mopusses ran taper_, it was remarked among the 60 vivants of theparty, that the Major had not for some time given them an invitation. This, however, he promised to do, and fixed the day--the Princehaving engaged to make one. Upon this occasion he took lodgings inTottenham-court Road--went to a wine-merchant--promised to introducehim to the royal presence, upon his engaging to find wine for the party, which was readily acceded to; and a dinner of three courses was servedup. Three such courses, perhaps, were never before seen; when thecompany were seated, two large dishes appeared; one was placed at thetop of the table, and one at the bottom; all was anxious expectation:~27~~the covers being removed, exhibited to view, a baked shoulder ofmutton at top, and baked potatoes at the bottom. They all looked aroundwith astonishment, but, knowing the general eccentricity of their host, they readily fell into his humour, and partook of his fare; not doubtingbut the second course would make ample amends for the first. The winewas good, and the Major apologized for his accommodations, being, as hesaid, a family sort of man, and the dinner, though somewhat uncommon, was not such an one as is described by Goldsmith:

 "At the top, a fried liver and bacon were seen; At the bottom was tripe, in a swinging tureen; At the sides there were spinach and pudding made hot; In the middle a place where the pasty--was not. "

At length the second course appeared; when lo and behold, another bakedshoulder of mutton and baked potatoes! Surprise followed surprise--but

 "Another and another still succeeds. "

The third course consisted of the same fare, clearly proving that hehad in his catering studied quantity more than variety; however, theyenjoyed the joke, eat as much as they pleased, laughed heartily at thedinner, and after bumpering till a late hour, took their departure: itis said, however, that he introduced the wine-merchant to his Highness, who afterwards profited by his orders. {1}

 1 This remarkable dinner reminds us of a laughable caricature which made its appearance some time ago upon the marriage of a Jew attorney, in Jewry-street, Aldgate, to the daughter of a well-known fishmonger, of St. Peter's-alley, Cornhill, when a certain Baronet, Alderman, Colonel, and then Lord Mayor, opened the ball at the London Tavern, as the partner of the bride; a circum-stance which excited considerable curiosity and surprise at the time. We know the worthy Baronet had been a hunter for a seat in Parliament, but what he could be hunting among the children of Israel is, perhaps, not so easily ascertained. We, however, are not speaking of the character, but the caricature, which represented the bride, not resting on Abraham's bosom, but seated on his knee, surrounded by their guests at the marriage-feast; while to a panel just behind them, appears to be affixed a bill of fare, which runs thus:

 First course, Fish!

 Second course, Fish!!

 Third course, Fish!!!

 Perhaps the idea of the artist originated in the anecdote above recorded. 

~28~~It is reported that the Prince gave him a commission, under anexpress promise that when he could not shew it, he was no longer toenjoy his royal favour. This commission was afterwards lost by theimprovident possessor, and going to call on the donor one morning, whoespying him on his way, he threw up the sash and called out, "Well, George, commission or no commission?" "No commission, by G----, yourHighness?" was the reply. 

"Then you cannot enter here, " rejoined the prince, closing the windowand the connection at the same time. 

"His Lordship now resides in the Regent's Park, and may almost nightlybe seen at a public-house in the neighbourhood, where he takes his grogand smokes his pipe, amusing the company around him with anecdotes ofhis former days; we may, perhaps, fall in with him some night inour travels, and you will find him a very amusing and sometimes verysensible sort of fellow, till he gets his grog on board, when he can beas boisterous and blustering as a coal-heaver or a bully. His presentfortune is impaired by his former imprudence, but he still mingles withthe sporting world, and a short time back had his pocket picked, at a_milling_ match, of a valuable gold repeater. He has favoured the worldwith several literary productions, among which are Memoirs of his ownLife, embellished with a view of the author, suspended from (to use thephrase of a late celebrated auctioneer) a _hanging wood_; and a veryelaborate treatise on the Art of Rat-catching. In the advertisement ofthe latter work, the author engages it will enable the reader to "clearany house of these noxious vermin, however much infested, exceptingonly a certain great House in the neighbourhood of St. Stephen's, Westminster. "{1}

 1 It appears by the newspapers, that the foundation of a certain great house in Pall Mall is rotten, and giving-way. The cause is not stated; but as it cannot arise from being top-heavy, we may presume that the rats have been at work there. Query, would not an early application of the Major's recipe have remedied the evil, and prevented the necessity of a removal of a very heavy body, which of course, must be attended with a very heavy expense? 'Tis a pity an old friend should have been overlooked on such an occasion. 

~29~~"Do you, " said Tom, pointing to a person on the other side ofthe way, "see that young man, walking with a half-smothered air ofindifference, affecting to whistle as he walks, and twirling hisstick? He is a _once-a-week man_, or, in other words, a _Sundaypromenader_--Harry Hairbrain was born of a good family, and, at thedecease of his father, became possessed of ten thousand pounds, whichhe sported with more zeal than discretion, so much so, that having beenintroduced to the gaming table by a pretended friend, and fluctuatedbetween poverty and affluence for four years, he found himselfconsiderably in debt, and was compelled to seek refuge in an obscurelodging, somewhere in the neighbourhood of Kilburn, in order to avoidthe _traps_; for, as he observes, he has been among the _Greeks andpigeons_, who have completely _rook'd_ him, and now want to crowover him: he has been at hide and seek for the last two months, and, depending on the death of a rich old maiden aunt who has no other heir, he eventually hopes to '_diddle 'em_. '"

This narrative of Hairbrain was like Hebrew ta Tallyho, who requestedhis interesting cousin, as he found himself at _falt, to try back_, andput him on the _right scent_. 

"Ha! ha! ha!" said Tom, "we must find a new London vocabulary, I see, before we shall be able to converse intelligibly; but as you are nowsolely under my tuition, I will endeavour to throw a little light uponthe subject. 

"Your _once-a-week man, or Sunday promenader_, is one who confineshimself, to avoid confinement, lodging in remote quarters in thevicinity of the Metropolis, within a mile or two of the Bridges, Oxford Street, or Hyde-Park Corner, and is constrained to waste sixuncomfortable and useless days in the week, in order to secure theenjoyment of the seventh, when he fearlessly ventures forth, to recruithis ideas--to give a little variety to the sombre picture of life, unmolested, to transact his business, or to call on some old friend, and keep up those relations with the world which would otherwise becompletely neglected or broken. 

"Among characters of this description, may frequently be recognised theremnant of fashion, and, perhaps, the impression of nobility not whollydestroyed by adversity and seclusion--the air and manners of a manwho has ~30~~outlived his century, with an assumption of _sans souci_pourtrayed in his agreeable smile, murmur'd through a low whistle of'Begone dull care, ' or 'No more by sorrow chased, my heart, ' or playedoff by the flourishing of a whip, or the rapping of a boot that hasa spur attached to it, which perhaps has not crossed a horse formany months; and occasionally by a judicious glance at another man'scarriage, horses, or appointments, which indicates taste, and the formerpossession of such valuable things. These form a part of the votariesof Real Life in London. This however, " said he (observing his cousin inmute attention) "is but a gloomy part of the scene; vet, perhaps, notaltogether uninteresting or unprofitable. "

"I can assure you, " replied Tallyho, "I am delighted with the accurateknowledge you appear to have of society in general, while I regret thesituation of the actors in scenes so glowingly described, and am onlyastonished at the appearance of such persons. "

"You must not be astonished at appearances, " rejoined Dashall, "forappearance is every thing in London; and I must particularly warn younot to found your judgment upon it. There is an old adage, which says'To _be_ poor, and _seem_ poor, is the Devil all over. ' Why, if you meetone of these _Sunday-men_, he will accost you with urbanity and affectedcheerfulness, endeavouring to inspire you with an idea that he is one ofthe happiest of mortals; while, perhaps, the worm of sorrow is secretlygnawing his heart, and preying upon his constitution. Honourablesentiment, struggling with untoward circumstances, is destroyinghis vitals; not having the courage to pollute his character by ajail-delivery, or to condescend to _white-washing_, or some low bankrupttrick, to extricate himself from difficulty, in order to stand uprightagain. 

"A _once-a-week man, or Sunday promenader_, frequently takes his waythrough bye streets and short cuts, through courts and alleys, as itwere between retirement and a desire to see what is going on in thescenes of his former splendour, to take a sly peep at that world fromwhich he seems to be excluded. "

"And for all such men, " replied Bob, "expelled from high and from goodsociety, (even though I were compelled to allow by their own imprudenceand folly) I ~31~~should always like to have a spare hundred, to sendthem in an anonymous cover. "

"You are right, " rejoined Tom, catching him ardently by the hand, "the sentiment does honour to your head and heart; for to such men, ingeneral, is attached a heart-broken wife, withering by their side in theshade, as the leaves and the blossom cling together at all seasons, insickness or in health, in affluence or in poverty, until the storm beatstoo roughly on them, and prematurely destroys the weakest. But I mustwarn you not to let your liberality get the better of your discretion, for there are active and artful spirits abroad, and even thesenecessities and miseries are made a handle for deception, to entrap theunwary; and you yet have much to learn--Puff lived two years on sicknessand misfortune, by advertisements in the newspapers. "

"How?" enquired Bob. 

"You shall have it in his own words, " said Dashall. 

 "I suppose never man went through such a series of "calamities in the same space of time! Sir, I was five "times made a bankrupt and reduced from a state of "affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes! then "Sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice "burnt out, and lost my little all both times! I lived "upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a "most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs! "That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, "and went about col--called on you, a close prisoner "in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted "to serve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped "for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable "consumption! I was then reduced to--0--no--then, "I became a widow with six helpless children--after "having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left "every time eight months gone with child, and without "money to get me into an hospital!"

"Astonishing!" cried Bob, "and are such things possible?"

"A month's residence in the metropolis, " said Dashall, "will satisfyyour enquiries. One ingenious villain, a short time back, had artificeenough to defraud the public, at different periods of his life, ofupwards of one hundred thousand pounds, and actually carried onhis fraudulent schemes to the last moment of his existence, for he~32~~defrauded Jack Ketch of his fee by hanging himself in his cellafter condemnation. "{1}

Just as a tilbury was passing, "Observe, " said Tom, "the driver of thattilbury is the celebrated Lord Cripplegate with his usual equipage--hisblue cloak with a scarlet lining, hanging loosely over the vehicle, gives an air of importance to his appearance, and he is always attendedby that boy, who has been denominated his cupid; he is a noblemanby birth, a gentleman by courtesy, and a gamester by profession. Heexhausted a large estate upon _odd and even, sevens the main_, &c. Tillhaving lost sight of the _main chance_, he found it necessary to curtailhis establishment and enliven his prospects, by exchanging a first floorfor a second, without an opportunity of ascertaining whether or notthese alterations were best suited to his high notions or exalted taste;from which in a short time he was induced, either by inclination ornecessity, to take a small lodging in an obscure street, and to sporta gig and one horse, instead of a curricle and pair; though in formertimes he used to drive four in hand, and was acknowledged to be anexcellent whip. He still, however, possessed money enough to collecttogether a large quantity of halfpence, which in his hours of relaxationhe managed to turn to good account, by the following stratagem:--Hedistributed his halfpence on the floor of his little parlour in straightlines, and ascertained how many it would require to cover it; havingthus prepared himself, he invited some wealthy spendthrifts (with whomhe still had the power of associating) to sup with him, and he welcomedthem to his habitation with much cordiality. The glass circulatedfreely, and each recounted his gaming or amorous adventures till a latehour, when the effects of the bottle becoming visible, he proposed, as amomentary suggestion, to name how many halfpence laid side by side wouldcarpet the floor; and offered to lay a large

 1 Charles Price, the well-known impostor, whose extensive forgeries on the Bank of England rendered him notorious, may serve as a practical illustration of Puff, for he, at several periods of his life, carried on his system of fraud by advertisements, and by personating the character of a clergyman collecting subscriptions under various pretences. His whole life is marked with determined and systematic depravity. He hanged himself in Tothil-fields Bridewell, where he was confined, at the age of fifty-five. 

~33~~wager, that he would guess the nearest. Done! done! was echoedround the room. Every one made a deposit of 100L. And every one made aguess equally certain of success; and his lordship declaring he hada large lot of halfpence by him, though, perhaps, not enough, theexperiment was to be tried immediately--'twas an excellent hit! The roomwas cleared, to it they went, the halfpence were arranged rank and filein military order, when it appeared that his lordship had certainlyguessed (as well he might) nearest to the number: the consequence was, an immediate alteration of his lordship's residence and appearance: hegot one step in the world by it, he gave up his second-hand gig forone warranted new; and a change in his vehicle may pretty generally beconsidered as the barometer of his pocket. 

"Do you mark, he is learing at that pretty girl on the other side of theway? he is fond of the wenches, and has been a true votary of fashion. Perhaps there is not a more perfect model of Real Life in London thanmight be furnished from the memoirs of his lordship! He is rather a goodlooking man, as he sits, and prides himself on being a striking likenessof his present majesty; but, unfortunately, has a lameness whichimpedes him in the ardour of his pursuit of game, although it must beacknowledged he has been a game one in his time. The boy you see withhim is reported to be his own son, who is now employed by him as anassistant in all his amorous adventures. "

"His own son!" exclaimed Bob. 

"Aye, and (if so) a merrily begotten one, I'll be bound for it, "continued Tom; "such things will happen, and his lordship has kept avery pretty assortment of servant girls. But the introduction of thisyouth to public notice was somewhat curious. It is said, that having alarge party of _bon vivants_ to dine with him, on sitting down to table, and taking the cover off one of the dishes, a plump and smiling infantappeared. A sweet little _Cupid_ by

----! (exclaimed his lordship) I'll be his father!--I'll

take care of him!--call Rose, and tell her to look out for a nurse forhim. Thus taking upon himself the character of parent and protector aswell as parson. Young _Cupid_ was christened in libations of claret, andfurnished a fund of amusement for the evening. How young Cupid ~34~~camethere, I believe has not yet been satisfactorily ascertained:

 Who seeks a friend, should come disposed T' exhibit, in full bloom disclosed, The graces and the beauties That form the character he seeks; For 'tis an union that bespeaks Reciprocated duties. 

And thus it has proved with _Cupid_, himself the offspring of an illicitamour, is now constantly engaged in promoting others. 

"His lordship had three brothers, _Billingsgate! Hellgate!_ and_Newgate!_ whose names are adorned with a similarity of perfections inthe Temple of Fame; but they are consigned to the tomb of the Capulets, and we will not rake up the ashes of the dead. "{1}

At this moment a loud knocking was heard at the door, and Mr. Sparklewas ushered into the drawing-room, which he entered, as it were, with ahop, step, and jump, and had Tom Dashall by the hand almost before theycould turn round to see who it was. 

"My dear fellow!" exclaimed Sparkle, almost out of breath, "where haveyou been to? Time has been standing still since your departure!--therehas been a complete void in nature--how do you do?--I beg pardon, (turning to Bob) you will excuse my rapture at meeting my old friend, whom I have lost so long, that I have almost lost myself--egad, I haverun myself out of breath--cursed unlucky I was not in the Park thismorning to see you first, but I have just heard all about you from LadyJane, and lost no time in paying my respects--what are you going to dowith yourself?"

 1 There was a delicate propriety in this conduct of the Hon. Tom Dashall which cannot but be admired; for although they were alone, and speaking to each other in perfect confidence, it was always his desire to avoid as much as possible making bad worse; he had a heart to feel, as well as a head to think; and would rather lend a hand to raise a fellow-creature from the mud than walk deliberately over him; besides, he foresaw other opportunities would arise in which, from circumstances, he would almost be compelled to draw his Cousin's attention again to the persons in question, and he was always unwilling to ex-haust a subject of an interesting nature without sonic leading occurrence to warrant it. 

~35~~At this moment dinner was announced. "Come, " said Tom, "let usrefresh a bit, and after dinner I will tell you all about it. We aretravellers, you know, and feel a little fatigued. _Allons, allons_. " Andso saying, he led the way to the dinner-room. 

"Nothing could be more _apropos_, " said Sparkle, "for although I havetwo engagements beforehand, and have promised a visit to you know who inthe evening, they appear like icicles that must melt before the sun ofyour re-appearance: so I am your's. " And to it they went. Tom alwayskept a liberal table, and gave his friends a hearty welcome. But hereit will be necessary, while they are regaling themselves, to makeour readers a little acquainted with Charles Sparkle, Esq. ; for whichpurpose we must request his patience till the next chapter. 

CHAPTER V

 "Place me, thou great Supreme, in that blest state, Unknown to those the silly world call Great, Where all my wants may be with ease supply'd, Yet nought superfluous to pamper pride. "

~36~~IT will be seen in the previous chapter, that the formal ceremonyof a fashionable introduction, such as--"Mr. Sparkle, my friend Mr. Robert Tallyho, of Belville Hall; Mr. Tallyho, Mr. Charles Sparkle, " wasaltogether omitted; indeed, the abrupt entrance of the latter renderedit utterly impossible, for although Sparkle was really a well-bred man, he had heard from Lady Jane of Tom's arrival with his young friend fromthe country. _Etiquette_ between themselves, was at all times completelyunnecessary, an air of gaiety and freedom, as the friend of Dashall, wasintroduction enough to Bob, and consequently this point of good breedingwas wholly unnoticed by all the party; but we are not yet sufficientlyacquainted with our readers to expect a similar mode of proceeding willbe overlooked; we shall therefore lose no time in giving our promisedaccount of Mr. Sparkle, and beg to introduce him accordingly. 

Mr. Reader, Mr. Sparkle; Mr. Sparkle, Mr. Reader. 

Hold, Sir, what are you about? You have bewildered yourself withetiquette, and seem to know as little about _Life in London_ as thenovice you have already introduced--By the way, that introduction wasone of the most extraordinary I ever met with; this may be equally sofor ought I know; and I really begin to suspect you are an extraordinaryfellow yourself. How can you introduce me, of whom you know nothing?

Egad, I believe you have me there--"a palpable hit, my Lord, " (or myLady, for I certainly cannot say which;) I was getting myself into anawkward dilemma, but I hate suspicion--

 "Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind. "

~37~~Methinks I see a frown, but I meant no offence, and if you throwdown my book in a rage, you will perhaps not only remain ignorant ofMr. Sparkle, but, what is more important, of those othernumerous fashionable characters in high and low life--of thosemanners--incidents--amusements--follies--vices, &c. Which, combinedtogether, form the true picture of Real Life in the Metropolis. 

 "He who hath trod th' intricate maze, Exploring every devious way, Can best direct th' enquiring gaze, And all the varied scenes display. "

Mr. Author, you are a strange rambler. 

Admitted, Sir, or Ma'am, I am a rambler, who, with your permission, would willingly not be impeded in my progress, and under suchexpectations I shall proceed. 

Charles Sparkle was the son and only child of a Right Hon. Member ofParliament, now no more, whose mother dying soon after his birth, wasleft destitute of that maternal kindness and solicitude which frequentlyhas so much influence in forming the character of the future man. 

His father, a man of eccentric turn of mind, being appointed soonafterwards to a diplomatic situation abroad, left the care of his son'seducation to an elderly friend of his, who held a situation of someimportance under the then existing government, with an injunction toconceal from the boy the knowledge of his real parent, and to bring himup as his own child. 

This important trust was executed with tenderness and fidelity; the boygrew in strength, and ripened in intelligence, and being accustomedto consider his protector as his parent, the father, upon returningto England, determined not to undeceive him, until he should arrive atyears of discretion; and with this view Mr. Orford was instructed at aproper age to send him to Oxford. 

Charles, however had contracted before this period, habits andacquaintances in London, that were completely in opposition to thedictates and inclinations of his supposed father. He became passionatelyfond of literary amusements, music, and drawing, which served to occupyhis morning hours: but his evenings were devoted to the company ofvitiated associates, who did ~38~~not fail to exercise their influenceover his youthful passions, and he frequently engaged himself in unluckyand improvident adventures, which involved him in pecuniary difficultiesfar beyond his stipulated income. These circumstances were no soonermade known to the supposed parent, than they excited his displeasure, and being carried to an unpardonable extent, he was, at the age ofeighteen, literally banished the house of his protector, and compelledto take an obscure lodging in the vicinity of London; the rent of whichwas paid for him, and a scanty allowance of one guinea sent to himregularly every Saturday night. Thus secluded from his old associates, it will not be wondered at that he contrived to form new ones, andhaving purchased an old harpsicord, turned the musical instructionhe had received to occasional account; he also wrote some politicalpamphlets which were well received. But this solitary and dependent lifewas wholly unsuited to the gaiety in which he had hitherto moved. Ithad, however, the effect of drawing forth talent, which perhaps wouldnever, but for this circumstance, have been discovered; for

 "Many a gem, of purest ray serene, The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, And waste its sweetness on the desert air. "

His writings, &c. Under the name of Oribrd, were recognised by the realfather, as the productions of a promising son: at his instigation, andupon a promise of reform, he was again restored to his former home, andshortly after entered as a gentleman commoner of St. Mary's, Oxford; butnot till he had, by some means or other, made the discovery thatOrford was not his real name. Congenial spirits are naturally fond ofassociating, and it was here that he first became acquainted with theHon. Tom Dashall: they were constant companions and mutual assistants toeach other, in all their exercises as well as all their vagaries; soas to cement a friendship and interest in each other's fate, up to themoment of which we are now speaking. 

Orford, however, was at that time more impetuous and less discreetin the pursuit of his pleasures than his honourable friend, and afterobtaining the distinction of Bachelor of Arts, was in consequence ofhis imprudence and ~39~~irregularities, after frequently hair-breadthescapes, expelled the college. This circumstance, however, appeared oflittle consequence to him. He hired a gig at Oxford, promising to returnin a few days, and came up to London, but had not effrontery enough toventure into the presence of his reputed father. On arrival in town, heput up at an inn in the Borough, where he resided till all the moneyhe had was exhausted, and till, as he emphatically observes, he hadactually eaten his horse and chaise. 

In the mean time, the people at Oxford found he was expelled; and ashe had not returned according to appointment, he was pursued, andeventually found: they had no doubt of obtaining their demand fromhis friends, and he was arrested at the suit of the lender; which wasimmediately followed by a retainer from the inn-keeper where he hadresided in town. Application was made to Mr. Orford for his liberation, without effect; in consequence of which he became a resident in therules of the King's Bench, as his friends conceived by this means hishabits would be corrected and his future conduct be amended, his realfather still keeping in the back ground. 

While in this confinement, he again resorted to the produce of his penand his talent for musical composition, and his friend Tom, at the firstvacation, did not fail to visit him. During this time, in the shapeof donation, from Mr. Orford he received occasional supplies more thanequal to his necessities, though not to his wishes. While here, hefished out some further clue to the real parent, who visited him indisguise during his confinement as a friend of Mr. Orford: still, however, he had no chance of liberation, till, being one day called onby Mr. Orford, he was informed he was at perfect liberty to leave hispresent abode, and was directed to go with him immediately; a coach wascalled, and he heard the direction given to drive to Bedford Square, where they arrived just time enough to learn that the Right Hon. S. S. Had breathed his last, after a lingering illness. 

Upon alighting from the coach, and receiving this information, they wereushered into the drawing-room, and presently joined by a clergyman whohad been the chaplain of the deceased, who acquainted our adventurer ofthe death of his parent--that by will he was entitled ~40~~to 10, 000L. Per annum, and a handsome estate in Wiltshire. This sudden reverseof fortune to Sparkle--the change from confinement to liberty, fromindigence to affluence--awakened sensations more easily to be conceivedthan described. He wept, (perhaps the first tears of sincerity in hislife; ) his heart was subdued by an overwhelming flood of affection forthat unknown being, whom he now found had been his constant guardianangel, alternately taking Orford and the reverend Divine by the hand, and hiding his head in the bosom of his reputed father. At length theyled him to the room in which were the remains of his lamented parent. 

There are perhaps few circumstances better calculated to impress aweon the youthful mind than the contemplation of those features in deathwhich have been respected and revered while living. Such respect hadever been entertained by Charles Sparkle for the supposed friend ofMr. Orford, from whom he had several times received the most kind andaffectionate advice; and his sensations upon discovering that friendto be no other than his own father, may be more easily conceived thandescribed--he was at once exalted and humbled, delighted and afflicted. He threw himself in an agony of feeling by the bed-side, fell on hisknees, in which he was joined by the clergyman and Orford, where heremained some time. 

After the first paroxysms of grief had subsided, young Sparkle, who hadalready felt the strongest impression that could possibly be made ona naturally good heart, gave orders for the funeral of his deceasedfather, and then proceeded to make other arrangements suitable tothe character he was hereafter to sustain through life, went downto Wiltshire, and took possession of his estate, where for a time hesecluded himself, and devoted his attention to the perusal of thebest authors in the English, French, and Italian language, under thesuperintendence of the reverend Divine, who had been a resident for manyyears with his father. 

But a life in the country could not long have superior charms for ayoung man who had already seen much to admire, as well as much to avoid, in the metropolis. The combination however of theoretical informationhe had derived from books, as well as the practical observations he hadmade during his residence in London, fitted him at once for thegayest and most distinguished circles of ~41~~metropolitan society. He therefore arranged with Mr. Orford, who had formerly acted as hisparent, to continue with him in the capacity of steward, and for thelast two years of his life had been almost a constant resident at"Long's Hotel", in Bond Street, not choosing to have the charge of anestablishment in town; and the early friendship and attachment whichhad been cultivated at Oxford being again renewed, appeared to grow withtheir growth, and strengthen with their strength. 

Sparkle had still a large portion of that vivacity for which he was soremarkable in his younger days. His motives and intentions were at alltimes good, and if he indulged himself in the pursuits of frolic andfun, it was never at the expence of creating an unpleasant feeling to anhonest or honourable mind. His fortune was ample. He had a hand to give, and a heart to forgive; no "malice or hatred were there to be found:"but of these qualifications, and the exercise of them, sufficient traitswill be given in the ensuing pages. No man was better _up_ to the rigsof the town; no one better _down_ to the manoeuvres of the _flats_, and_sharps_. He had mingled with life in all companies; he was at once anelegant and interesting companion; his views were extensive upon allsubjects; his conversation lively, and his manners polished. 

Such, gentle reader, is the brief sketch of Charles Sparkle, theesteemed friend of the Hon. Tom Dashall, and with such recommendationsit will not be wondered at if he should become also the friend ofTally-ho; for, although living in the height of fashionable splendour, his mind was at all times in consonance with the lines which precedethis chapter; yet none could be more ready to lend a hand in anypleasant party in pursuit of a bit of _gig. A mill at Moulsey Hurst--abadger-bait, or bear-bait--a main at the Cock-pit--a smock-race_--ora scamper to the Tipping hunt, ultimately claimed his attention; whileupon all occasions he was an acute observer of life and character. 

 "His years but young, but his experience old, His heart unmellow'd, though his judgment ripe, And in a word, (for far behind his worth Come all the praises that we now bestow) He is complete in conduct and in mind, With all good grace, to grace a gentleman. "

~42~~But dinner is over, and we must now accompany our triumvirate tothe drawing-room, where we find them seated with bottles, glasses, &c. Determined to make a quiet evening after the fatigues of the journey, and with a view to prepare themselves for the more arduous, and toTally-ho more interesting, pursuits in the new world, for such he almostconsidered London. 

"Yes, " said Sparkle, addressing himself to Bob, with whom a littleprevious conversation had almost rendered him familiar, "London is aworld within itself; it is, indeed, the only place to see life--it isthe "_multum in parvo_, " as the old song says, "Would you see the world in little, Ye curious here repair;"

it is the acmé of perfection, the "_summum bonum_" of style---indeed, there is a certain affectation of style from the highest to the lowestindividual. "

"You are a merry and stylish fellow, " said Tom; we should have beenhipp'd without you, there is a fund of amusement in you at all times. "

"You are a bit of a wag, " replied Sparkle, "but I am up to your gossip, and can serve you out in your own style. "

"Every body, " says Tallyho, "appears to live in style. "

"Yes, " continued Sparkle, "_living in style_ is one of the mostessential requisites for a residence in London; but I'll give you myidea of living in style, which, by many, is literally nothing morethan keeping up appearances at other people's expence: for instance, aDuchess conceives it to consist in taking her breakfast at three o'clockin the afternoon--dining at eight--playing at Faro till four the nextmorning--supping at five, and going to bed at six--and to eat green peasand peaches in January--in making a half-curtsey at the creed, and awhole one to a scoundrel--in giving fifty guineas to an exotic capon fora pit-ticket--and treating the deserved claims of a parental actor withcontempt--to lisp for the mere purpose of appearing singular, and toseem completely ignorant of the Mosaic law--to be in the reverse ofextremes--to laugh when she could weep, and weep when she could . Danceand be merry--to leave her compliment cards with her acquaintance, whomat the same moment she wishes she may never see again--to speak of thecommunity ~43~~with marked disrespect, and to consider the sacrament abore!"

"Admirable!" said Tom. 

"Wonderful, indeed!" exclaimed Tallyho. 

"Aye, aye, London is full of wonders--there is a general and insatiateappetite for the marvellous; but let us proceed: Now we'll take thereverse of the picture. The Duke thinks he does things in style, bypaying his debts of honour contracted at the gaming-table, and but veryfew honourable debts--by being harsh and severe to a private supplicant, while he is publicly a liberal subscriber to a person he never saw--byleaving his vis-a-vis at the door of a well-known courtesan, in orderto have the credit of an intrigue--in making use of an optical glass forpersonal inspection, though he can ascertain the horizon without any--bybeing or seeming to be, every thing that is in opposition to nature andvirtue--in counting the lines in the Red Book, and carefully watchingthe importation of _figurantes_ from the Continent--in roundly declaringthat a man of fashion is a being of a superior order, and ought to beamenable only to himself--in jumbling ethics and physics together, so asto make them destroy each other--in walking arm in arm with a sneeringjockey--talking loudly any thing but sense--and in burning long letterswithout once looking at their contents;. . . And so much for my LordDuke. "

"Go along Bob!" exclaimed Tom. 

Tallyho conceiving himself addressed by this, looked up with an airof surprise and enquiry, which excited the risibility of Dashall andSparkle, till it was explained to him as a common phrase in London, withwhich he would soon become more familiar. Sparkle continued. 

"The gay young Peerling, who is scarcely entitled to the honours andimmunities of manhood, is satisfied he is _doing things in style_, byraising large sums of money on _post-obit_ bonds, at the very moderatepremium of 40 per cent. --in _queering_ the clergyman at his father'stable, and leaving the marks of his finger and thumb on the articleof matrimony in his aunt's prayer-book--in kicking up a row at thetheatre, when he knows he has some roaring bullies at his elbow, thoughhumble and dastardly when alone--in keeping a dashing _impure_, who publicly squanders away his money, and privately laughs athis follies--in buying a phaeton as high as a two pair of stairs~44~~window, and a dozen of spanking bays at Tattersall's, and indashing through St. James's Street, Pall Mall, Piccadilly, and HydePark, thus accompanied and accoutred, amidst the contumelies of thecoxcombs and the sighs of the worthy. And these are pictures of highlife, of which the originals are to be seen daily. 

"The haberdasher of Cheapside, whose father, by adherence to themost rigid economy, had amassed a competence, and who transmitted hisproperty, without his prudence, to his darling son, is determined toshew his spirit, by buying a _bit of blood_, keeping his gig, his girl, and a thatched cottage on the skirts of Epping Forest, or SydenhamCommon; but as keeping a girl and a gig would be a nothing unlessall the world were _up to it_, he regularly drives her to all theboxing-matches, the Epping hunt, and all the races at Barnet, Epsom, Egham, and Ascot Heath, where he places himself in one of the mostconspicuous situations; and as he knows his racing, &c. Must eventuallydistinguish his name in the Gazette with a whereas! he rejoices in theprogress and acceleration of his own ruin, and, placing his arms akimbo, he laughs, sings, swears, swaggers, and vociferates--'What d'ye think o'that now, --is'nt this doing it in stile, eh?'

"Prime of life to go it, where's a place like London? Four in handto-day, the next you may be undone. "

[Illustration: page44 Epson Racers]

"Well, Sir, the mercer's wife, from Watling Street, thinks livingin style is evinced by going once a year to a masquerade at the newMuseodeum, or Argyle Rooms; having her daughters taught French, dancing, and music--dancing a minuet at Prewterers' Hall, or Mr. Wilson's{1}annual benefit--in getting a good situation in the green boxes--goingto Hampstead or Copenhagen House in a glass coach on a Sunday--havingcard-parties at home

 1 Mr. Wilson's flaming bills of "Dancing at the Old Bailey, " which are so profusely stuck up about the city, are said to have occasioned several awkward jokes and blunders; among others related, is that of a great unintellectual Yorkshire booby, who, after staring at the bills with his mouth open, and his saucer eyes nearly starting out of his head with astonishment, exclaimed, "Dang the buttons on't, I zee'd urn dangling all of a row last Wednesday at t' Ould Bailey, but didn't know as how they call'd that danzing, --by gum there be no understanding these here Lunnun folk!"

~45~~during Lent, declaring she never drinks any thing else but the_most bestest_ gunpowder tea, that she has a most _screwciating_ cold, and that the country air is always _salubrus_, and sure to do her good. 

"So much for living in style, and good breeding. "

 "That's your true breeding--that's your sort my boys-- Fun, fire, and pathos--metre, mirth, and noise; To make you die with laughter, or the hiccups, Tickle your favourites, or smash your tea-cups. "

"By the way, in former times the term _good-breeding_ meant acombination of all that was amiable and excellent; and a well-bredperson would shrink from an action or expression that could possiblywound the feelings of another; its foundation was laid in truth, andits supporting pillars were justice and integrity, sensibility andphilanthropy; but

 "In this gay age--in Taste's enlighten'd times, When Fashion sanctifies the basest crimes; E'en not to swear and game were impolite, Since he who sins in _style_ must sure be right. "

A well-bred person must learn to smile when he is angry, and to laugheven when he is vexed to the very soul. 

"It would be the height of _mauvaise honte_ for a wellbred person toblush upon any occasions whatever; no young lady blushes after elevenyears of age; to study the expression of the countenance of others, inorder to govern your own, is indispensably necessary. 

"In former times, no well-bred person would have uttered a falsehood;but now such ideas are completely exploded, and such conduct would nowbe termed a _bore_. My Lord Portly remarks, 'It is a cold day. ' 'Yes, myLord, it is a very cold day, ' replies Major Punt. In two minutes after, meeting Lord Lounge, who observes he thinks the weather very warm--'Yes, very warm, my Lord, ' is the reply--thus contradicting himself almost inthe same breath. It would be perfectly inconsistent in a well-bredman to think, for fear of being absent. When he enters or leaves adrawing-room, he should round his shoulders, drop his head, andimitate a clown or a coachman. This has the effect of the best _rusede guerre_--for it serves to astonish the ladies, when they afterwards~46~~discover, by the familiarity of his address, and his unrestrainedmanners, what a well-bred man he is; for he will address every fair onein the room in the most enchanting terms, except her to whom in the sameparty he had previously paid the most particular attention; and on herhe will contrive to turn his back for the whole evening, and if he is aman of fashion, he will thus cause triumph to the other ladies, and savethe neglected fair one from envious and slanderous whisperings. "

"An admirable picture of living in style, and good breeding, indeed!"cried Tom. "The game is in view and well worth pursuit; so hark forward!hark forward! my boys. "

Sparkle, now recollecting his engagement--with "you know who" as hesignificantly observed in the last Chapter, withdrew, after promising totake a stroll by way of killing an hour or two with them in the morning;and Tom and his Cousin soon after retired to rest--

 "Perchance to sleep, perchance to dream. "

CHAPTER VI

 "The alarm was so strong. So loud and so long, 'Twas surely some robber, or sprite, Who without any doubt Was prowling about To fill ev'ry heart with affright. "

~47~~THE smiles of a May morning, bedecked with the splendid rays of arising sun, awakened Tallyho about five o'clock, and being accustomed torise early in the country, he left the downy couch of soft repose, andsought his way down stairs. Not a sound of any kind was to be heard inthe house, but the rattling of the carts and the coaches in the streets, with the deep-toned accompaniment of a dustman's bell, and an occasional_ab libitum_ of "Clothes--clothes sale, " gave Bob an idea that all theworld was moving. However he could find nobody up; he walked into thedrawing-room, amused himself for some time by looking out of the window, indulging his observations and remarks, without knowing what to make ofthe moving mass of incongruities which met his eye, and wondering whattime the servants of the house would wake: he tried the street-door, butfound it locked, bolted, and chained; and if he had known where to havefound his friend Tom, he would have aroused him with _the View halloo_. 

"It is strange, " thought he to himself, "all the world seems abroad, and yet not a soul stirring here!" Then checking the current of hisreflections, "But this, " said he, "is Life in London. Egad! I must notmake a noise, because it will not be _good breeding_. " In this wray hesauntered about the house for near two hours, till at last espying hisportmanteau, which had been left in the passage by the servants theprevious evening--"I'll carry this up stairs, " said he, "by way ofamusement;" and carelessly shouldering the portmanteau, he was walking~48~~deliberately up stairs, when his ears were suddenly attracted by aloud cry of "Murder, murder, thieves, murder!" and the violent ringingof a bell. Alarmed at these extraordinary sounds, which appeared to benear him at a moment when he conceived no soul was stirring, he droppedhis portmanteau over the banisters, which fell, (demolishing in its wayan elegant Grecian patent lamp with glass shades, drops, &c. ) into thepassage below with a hideous crash, while the cry of Murder, thieves, murder, was repeated by many voices, and rendered him almost immoveable. In the next moment, the butler, the cook, the groom, and indeed everyperson in the house, appeared on the stair-case, some almost in a stateof nudity, and shrinking from each other's gaze, and all armed withsuch weapons as chance had thrown in their way, to attack the supposeddepredator. 

Among the rest, fortunately for Tallyho, (who stood balancing himselfagainst the banisters in a state of indecision whether he should ascendor descend) Tom Dashall in his night-gown burst out of his room in alarmat the noise, with a brace of pistols, one in his hand in the very actof cocking it, and the other placed in convenient readiness under hisleft arm. "Why, what the devil is the matter?" vociferated he, and atthat moment his eye caught the agitated figure of his Cousin Bob, on thehalf-landing place below him. At the sound of his well-known voice, theinnocent and unsuspecting cause of this confusion and alarm looked upat his friend, as if half afraid and half ashamed of the occurrence, andstammered out, "Where is the thief?--Who is murdered?--I'll swear thereis something broke somewhere--tell me which way to go!" Tom lookedaround him at the group of half-clad nymphs and swains, (who were nowhuddling together, conceiving their security lay in combination, andfinding all eyes were placed with astonishment and wonder on Bob) beganto see through what had happened, and burst into an immoderate fit oflaughter; which relieved the frightened damsels, but so confounded poorTallyho, that he scarcely knew whether he was standing on his head orhis heels. "Why, " said Tom, addressing himself to his Cousin, "you willget yourself murdered if you go wandering about people's houses at thedead of the night in this manner--are you asleep or awake?--who have youmade an assignation with--or ~49~~where are you going to--what are youup to, Master Bobby, eh?--These tricks won't do here!"

 "Is't Love's unhallow'd flame invites to roam, And bids you from your pillow creep? Or say, why thus disturb my peaceful home, Like Macbeth, who doth murder sleep. "

Tallyho was unable to reply: he looked down over the banister--he lookedup at the risible features of Tom Dashall, who was almost bursting atthe ludicrous situation in which he found his friend and his servants. "Come, " said Tom, "there are no thieves--all's right"--to theservants, "you may quiet your minds and go to business. Bob, I'll bedown with you presently. " Upon this, the stair-case was cleared in aninstant of all but the unfortunate Tallyho; and peace appeared tobe restored in the family, but not to Bob's mind, conceiving he hadcommitted a gross violation of good breeding, and shewn but a badspecimen of his aptitude to become a learner of London manners. It mustbe confessed, it was rather an awkward commencement; however, in a fewminutes, recovering himself from the fright, he crawled gently down thestairs, and took a survey of the devastation he had made--cursed thelamp, d----d the portmanteau--then snatching it from the ruin beforehim, and again placing his luggage on his shoulder, he quietly walked upstairs to his bed-room. 

It is much to be lamented in this wonderful age of discovery andcontinual improvement, that our philosophers have not yet found out amode of supplying the place of glass (as almost every thing else) withcast-iron. The substitution of gas for oil has long been talked of, asone of national importance, even so much so, that one man, whose ideaswere as brilliant as his own experiments, has endeavoured to shew thatits produce would in a short time pay off the national debt!{1}

"A consummation devoutly to be wished;" and experience has taught theworld at large there is nothing impossible, nor is there any one inexistence more credulous than honest John Bull. But we are

 1 Mr. Winsor, the original lecturer on the powers of gas, in Pall Mall. 

~50~~digressing from the adventure of the lamp, however it wasoccasioned, by clearly proving it was not a _patent safety-lamp_: andthat among the luxuries of the Hon. Tom Dashall's habitation, gas hadnot yet been introduced, will speedily be discovered. 

Upon arriving in his bed-room, wondering within himself how he shouldrepair the blundering mistake, of which he had so unluckily been theunwilling and unconscious author, he found himself in a new dilemma, as the receptacle of the oil had fallen with the lamp, and plentifullybedewed the portmanteau with its contents, so that he had nowtransferred the savoury fluid to his coat, waistcoat, cravat, and shirt. What was to be done in such a case? He could not make his appearance inthat state; but his mortifications were not yet at an end--

 "Hills over hills, and Alps on Alps arise. "

The key of his portmanteau was missing; he rummaged all his pocketsin vain--he turned them inside out--it was not here--it was notthere; enraged at the multiplicity of disappointments to which he wassubjected, he cut open the leathern carriage of his wardrobe witha penknife; undressed, and re-dressed himself; by which time it washalf-past eight o'clock. His Cousin Tom, who had hurried down accordingto promise, had in the mean time been making enquiry after him, and nowentered the room, singing, "And all with attention would eagerly mark: When he cheer'd up the pack--Hark! to Rockwood hark! hark!"

At the sight of Dashall, he recovered himself from his embarrassment, and descended with him to the breakfast-parlour. 

"Did you send to Robinson's?" enquired Tom of one of the servants, asthey entered the room. "Yes, Sir, " was the reply; "and Weston's too?"continued he; being answered in the affirmative, "then let us havebreakfast directly. " Then turning to Bob, "Sparkle, " said he, "promisedto be with us about eleven, for the purpose of taking a stroll; in themean time we must dress and make ready. "--"Dress, " said Bob, "Egad!I have dressed and made ready twice already this morning. " He then~51~~recounted the adventures above recorded; at which Dashallrepeatedly burst into fits of immoderate laughter. Breakfast being over, a person from Mr. Robinson's was announced, and ushered into the room. 

A more prepossessing appearance had scarcely met Bob's eye--a tall, elegant young man, dressed in black, cut in the extreme of fashion, whose features bespoke intelligence, and whose air and manner wereindicative of a something which to him was quite new. He arose upon hisentrance, and made a formal bow; which was returned by the youth. "Goodmorning, gentlemen. "--"Good morning, Mr. R----, " said Tom, mentioninga name celebrated by

Pope in the following lines:

 "But all my praises, why should lords engross? Bise, honest Muse, and sing the man of Boss. "

"I am happy to have the honour of seeing you in town again, Sir!The fashionables are mustering very strong, and the prospect of theapproaching coronation appears to be very attractive. " During thistime he was occupied in opening a leathern case, which contained combs, brushes, &c. ; then taking off his coat, he appeared in a jacket with anapron, which, like a fashionable _pinafore_ of the present day, nearlyconcealed his person, from his chin to his toes. "Yes, " replied Dashall, "the coronation is a subject of deep importance just now in thecircles of fashion, " seating himself in his chair, in readiness for theoperator, {1} who, Bob now discovered, was no other than the _Peruquier_. 

 1 The progress of taste and refinement is visible in all situations, and the language of putting has become so well understood by all ranks of society, that it is made use of by the most humble and obscure tradesmen of the metropolis. One remarkable instance ought not to be omitted here. In a narrow dirty street, leading from the Temple towards Blackfriars, over a small triangular-fronted shop, scarcely big enough to hold three persons at a time, the eye of the passing traveller is greeted with the following welcome information, painted in large and legible characters, the letters being each nearly a foot in size:--

 HAIR CUT AND MODERNIZED!!!

 This is the true "_Multum in parvo_ "--a combination of the "_Utile et dulce_, " the very acme of perfection. Surely, after this, to Robinson, Vickery, Boss, and Cryer, we may say--"Ye lesser stars, hide your diminished heads. "

 The art of puffing may be further illustrated by the following specimen of the Sublime, which is inserted here for the information of such persons as, residing in the country, have had no opportunity of seeing the original. "R---- makes gentlemen's and ladies' perukes on an entire new system; which for lightness, taste, and ease, are superior to any other in Europe. He has exerted the genius and abilities of the first artists to complete his exhibition of ornamental hair, in all its luxuriant varieties, where the elegance of nature and convenience of art are so blended, as at once to rival and ameliorate each other. Here his fair patrons may uninterruptedly examine the effects of artificial tresses, or toupees of all complexions, and, in a trial on themselves, blend the different tints with their own!"

 The strife for pre-eminence in this art is not however confined to this country; for we find an instance recorded in an American newspaper, which may perhaps be equally amusing and acceptable:--

 "A. C. D. La vigne, having heard of the envious expressions uttered by certain common barbers, miserable chin-scrapers, and frizulary quacks, tending to depreciate that superiority which genius is entitled to, and talents will invariably command, hereby puts them and their vulgar arts at defiance; and, scorning to hold parley with such sneaking imps, proposes to any gentleman to defend and maintain, at his shop, the head quarters of fashion, No. 6, South Gay Street, against all persons whomsoever, his title to supremacy in curlery, wiggery, and razory, to the amount of one hundred dollars and upwards. As hostile as he is to that low style of puffery adopted by a certain adventurer, 'yclept Higgins, Lavigne cannot avoid declaring, in the face of the world, that his education has been scientifical; that after having finished his studies at Paris, he took the tour of the universe, having had the rare fortune of regulating the heads of Catherine the Second, and the Grand Turk; the King of Prussia, and the Emperor of China; the Mamelukes of Egypt, and the Dey of Algiers; together with all the ladies of their respective Courts. He has visited the Cape of Good Hope, India, Java, Madagascar, Tartary, and Kamschatka, whence he reached the United States by the way of Cape Horn. In England he had previously tarried, where he delivered Lectures on Heads in great style. He has at last settled in Baltimore, determined to devote the remainder of his days to the high profession to which his des-tiny has called him; inviting all the literati, the lovers of the arts and sciences, to visit him at his laboratory of beauty, where he has separate rooms for accommodating ladies and gentlemen, who desire to adorn their heads with _hair_udition. "Can France, England--nay, the world itself, produce such another specimen of puffing and barberism?

~53~~"And pray, " continued Tom, "what is there new in the haut ton?Has there been any thing of importance to attract attention since myabsence? "Nothing very particular, " was the reply--"all very dull andflat. Rumour however, as usual, has not been inactive; two or threetrifling faux pas, and--oh!--yes--two duels--one in the literary world:two authors, who, after attacking each other with the quill, chose todecide their quarrel with the pistol, and poor Scot lost his life! Buthow should authors understand such things? The other has made a greatnoise in the world--You like the Corinthian cut, I believe, Sir?"

"I believe so too, " said Tom--"but don't you cut the duel so short--whowere the parties?"

"Oh! aye, why one, Sir, was a celebrated leader of ton, no other thanLord Shampêtre, and the other Mr. Webb, a gentleman well known: it wasa sort of family affair. His lordship's gallantry and courage, however, were put to the test, and the result bids fair to increase hispopularity. The cause was nothing very extraordinary, but the effect hadnearly proved fatal to his Lordship. "

"What, was he wounded?" enquired Tom. 

"It was thought so at first, " replied the _Peruquier_, "but it wasafterwards discovered that his Lordship had only fainted at the reportof his opponent's pistol. "

"Ha! ha! ha!" said Tom, "then it was a bloodless battle--but I shouldlike to know more of the particulars. "

"Hold your head a little more this way, Sir, if you please--that willdo, I thank you, Sir;--why, it appears, that in attempting to fulfil anassignation with Mr. Webb's wife, the husband, who had got scent ofthe appointment, as to place and time, lustily cudgelled the dandy LordWhiskerphiz, and rescued his own brows from certain other fashionableappendages, for which he had no relish. His Lordship's whiskers wereinjured, by which circumstance some people might conceive his featuresand appearance must have been improved, however that was not hisopinion; his bones were sore, and his mind (that is to say, asthe public supposed) hurt. The subject became a general theme ofconversation, a Commoner had thrashed a Lord!--flesh and blood could notbear it--but then such flesh and blood could as little bear the thoughtof a duel--Lord Polly was made the bearer of a challenge--a meeting tookplace, and at the first fire his Lordship fell. A fine subject for thecaricaturists, and they have not failed to make a good use of it. Thefire of his Lordship's features ~54~~was so completely obscured by hiswhiskers and mustachios, that it was immediately concluded the shot hadproved mortal, till Lord Polly (who had taken refuge for safety behind aneighbouring tree) advancing, drew a bottle from his pocket, which, upon application to his nose, had the desired effect of restoringthe half-dead duellist to life and light. The Seconds interfered, andsucceeded in bringing the matter to a conclusion, and preventing theexpected dissolution of Shampetre, who, report says, has determined notto place himself in such a perilous situation again. The frightcaused him a severe illness, from which he has scarcely yet recoveredsufficiently to appear in public--I believe that will do, Sir; will youlook in the glass--can I make any alteration?"

"Perhaps not in your story, " replied Tom; "and as to my head, so as youdo not make it like the one you have been speaking of, I rely solely onyour taste and judgment. "

The Peruquier made his bow--"Sir, your politeness is well known!" thenturning to Tallyho, "Will you allow me the honour of officiating foryou, Sir?"

"Certainly, " replied Bob, who by this time had seen the alteration madein his Cousin's appearance, as well as been delighted with the accountof the duel, at which they all laughed during the narration--andimmediately prepared for action, while Dashall continued his enquiriesas to the fashionable occurrences during his absence. 

"There have been some other circumstances, of minor importance, "continued the Peruquier--"it is said that a certain Lord, of highmilitary character, has lost considerable sums of money, and seriouslyimpaired his fortune--Lord ---- and a friend are completely ruined athazard--there was a most excellent mill at Moulsey Hurst on Thursdaylast, between the Gas-light man, who appears to be a game chicken, and aprime hammerer--he can give and take with any man--and Oliver--Gas beathim hollow, it was all Lombard-street to a china orange. The MaskedFestival on the 18th is a subject of considerable attraction, andwigs of every nature, style, and fashion, are in high request for theoccasion--The Bob, the Tye, the Natural Scratch, the Full Bottom, theQueue, the Curl, the Clerical, the Narcissus, the Auricula, the Capital, the Corinthian, the Roman, the Spanish, the French, the Dutch--oh! weare full of business just now. Speaking of the art, by the by, remindsme of a circumstance which occurred a very ~55~~short time back, andwhich shows such a striking contrast between the low-bred citizens, and the True Blues of the West!--have the kindness to hold your head alittle on one side, Sir, if you please--a little more towards the light, if you please--that will do excellently--why you'll look quite anotherthing!--From the country, I presume?" "You are right, " said Bob, "but Idon't want a wig just yet. "

"Shall be happy to fit you upon all occasions--masquerade, ball, orsupper, Sir: you may perhaps wish to go out, as we say in the West, incoy. --happy to receive your commands at any time, prompt attention anddispatch. "

"Zounds! you are clipping the wig too close, " said Tom, impatient to hearthe story, "and if you go on at this rate, you won't leave us even the_tail_ (tale). "

"Right, Sir, I take--'and thereby hangs a tale. ' The observation isin point, _verbum sat_, as the latinist would say. Well, Sir, as I wassaying, a citizen, with a design to outdo his neighbours, called atone of the first shops in London a very short time since, and gaveparticular orders to have his _pericranium_ fitted with a wig of thetrue royal cut. The dimensions of his upper story were taken--the orderexecuted to the very letter of the instructions--it fitted like wax--itwas nature--nay it soared beyond nature--it was the perfection ofart--the very acmé of science! Conception was outdone, and there is nopower in language to describe it. He was delighted; his wife was charmedwith the idea of a new husband, and he with his new wig; but

 "Now comes the pleasant joke of all, 'Tis when too close attack'd we fall. "

The account was produced---would you believe it, he refused to haveit--he objected to the price. "

"The devil take it!" said Tom, "object to pay for the acme ofperfection; this unnaturally natural wig would have fetched any moneyamong the collectors of curiosities. "

"What was the price?" enquired Bob. 

"Trifling, Sir, very trifling, to an artist 'of the first water, ' as ajeweller would say by his diamonds--only thirty guineas!!!"

"Thirty guineas!" exclaimed Bob, starting from his seat, and almostoverturning the _modernizer_ of his head. 

~56~~Then, recollecting Sparkle's account of Living in Style, and GoodBreeding, falling gently into his seat again. 

"Did I hurt you, Sir?" exclaimed the Peruquier. 

Dashall bit his lip, and smiled at the surprise of his Cousin, which wasnow so visibly depicted in his countenance. 

"Not at all, " replied Tallyho. 

"In two minutes more, Sir, your head will be a grace to; Bond Street orSt. James's; it cuts well, and looks well; and if you will allow me toattend you once a month, it will continue so. "

Tom hummed a tune, and looked out of the window; the other two weresilent till Bob was released. Tom _tip'd the blunt_, and the interestingyoung man made his congé, and departed. 

"A very interesting and amusing sort of person, " said Bob. 

"Yes, " replied Tom, "he is a walking volume of information: he knowssomething of every thing, and almost of every body. He has been inbetter circumstances, and seen a great deal of life; his history issomewhat remarkable, and some particulars, not generally known, haveexcited a considerable portion of interest in his fate among thosewho are acquainted with them. He is the son, before marriage, ofa respectable and worthy tradesman, a celebrated vender of bear'sgrease, {1} lately deceased, who

 1 The infallibility of this specimen cannot possibly be doubted, after reading the following

 Advertisement: "Bear's grease has virtues, many, great and rare; To hair decay'd, life, health, and vigour giving;

 'Tis sold by----, fam'd for cutting hair, At -----. ----------------------------------- living. 

 Who then would lose a head of hair for trying? A thousand tongues are heard 'I won't, ' replying;

 T----r no doubt with bear's grease can supply A thousand more, when they're dispos'd to buy. 

 No deception!--Seven Bears publicly exhibited in seven months, and not an agent on the globe's surface. --Sold upon oath, from 1L. To 10s. 6d. The smallest child will direct to ----, near the church--a real Bear over the door, where a good peruke is charged 1L. . 10s. Equal to those produced by Mr. T. , at B----ss's, for 2L. 12s. 6d. --Scalp 10s. 6d. ~and 6d. Only for hair-cutting--never refusing one shilling. 

 N. B. Bear's-grease effects wonders for the knees &c. Of horses. "

~57~~resided in the vicinity of Cornhill, and was for many years broughtup under his roof as his nephew; in which situation, the elegance of hisperson, the vivacity of his disposition, and the general information heacquired, became subjects of attraction. His education was respectablefor his situation, and his allowance liberal. His father howevermarrying a young lady of some property, and he, 'gay, light, and airy, 'falling into bad hands, found his finances not sufficient to supportthe company he kept, and by these means involved himself in pecuniarydifficulties, which, however, (if report say true) were more than onceor twice averted by the indulgent parent. In the course of time, thefamily was increased by two sons, but he continued the flower of theflock. At length it was intended by his father to retire, in part, frombusiness, and leave its management to this young man, and another whohad been many years in his service, and whose successful endeavours inpromoting his interest were well deserving his consideration; and thewritings for this purpose were actually drawn up. Previous howeverto their execution, he was dispatched to Edinburgh, to superintend anextensive concern of his father's in that city, where, meeting withan amiable young lady with some expectations, he married without theconsent of his parent, a circumstance which drew down upon him the goodman's displeasure. 

"Not at all dismayed at this, he almost immediately left his father'sshop, and set up business for himself in the same neighbourhood, wherehe continued for two or three years, living, as it was supposed, uponthe produce of his matrimonial connexion. At length, however, it wasdiscovered that he was insolvent, and bankruptcy became the consequence. Here he remained till affairs were arranged, and then returned to Londonwith his wife and two children. 

"In the mean time, the legitimate family of his father had become usefulin the business, and acquainted with his former indiscretions, which, consequently, were not likely to be obliterated from the old gentleman'srecollection. Without money and without prospect, he arrived in London, where, for some unliquidated debt, he was arrested and became a residentin the King's Bench, from which he was liberated by the InsolventDebtor's Act. Emancipated from this, he took small shops, or ratherrooms, in various parts of the city, vainly endeavouring to ~58~~supportthe character he had formerly maintained. These however proved abortive. Appeals to his father were found fruitless, and he has consequently, after a series of vicissitudes, been compelled to act as a journeyman. 

In the career of his youth, he distinguished himself as a dashing, high-spirited fellow. He was selected as fuegel man to a regiment ofVolunteers, and made himself conspicuous at the celebrated O. P. Row, atthe opening of Covent Garden Theatre, on which occasion he attracted thenotice of the Caricaturists, {1} and was generally known in the circlesof High Life, by his attendance on the first families on behalf of hisfather. 

But perhaps the most remarkable circumstance took place at his deceasedparent's funeral. Being so reduced at that time as to have no power evenof providing the necessary apparel to manifest the respect, gratitude, and affection, he had ever entertained for the author of his being;and as a natural son has no legal claims upon his father, so naturallynothing was left for him; he applied by letter to the legitimates for asuit of mourning, and permission to attend the remains of their commonfather to the last receptacle of mortality, which being peremptorilyrefused, he raised a subscription, obtained clothing, with a gown andhatband, and, as the melancholy procession was moving to the parishchurch, which was but a few yards distance, he rushed from hishiding-place, stationed himself immediately in the front of the otherattendants upon the occasion, and actually accompanied the corpse aschief mourner, having previously concerted with his own mother to beupon the spot. When the body was deposited in the vault, he took herby the hand, led her down the steps, and gave some directions to thebearers as to the situation of the coffin, while the other mourners, panic-struck at the extraordinary circumstances in which they foundthemselves, turned about and walked in mournful silence back, ruminatingon the past with amazement, and full of conjecture for the future. 

 1 A caricature of a similar nature to the one alluded to by Dashall in this description, was certainly exhibited at the time of the memorable 0. P. Row, which exhibited a young man of genteel appearance in the pit of Covent Garden Theatre, addressing the audience. It had inscribed at the bottom of it, Is this Barber-Ross-a?

 in allusion (no doubt) to the tragedy of Barbarossa. 

~59~~"It was an extraordinary situation for all parties, " said Bob; "buthold, who have we here?--Egad! there is an elegant carriage drawn up tothe door; some Lord, or Nobleman, I'll be bound for it--We can't be seenin this deshabille, I shall make my escape. " And saying this, he washastening out of the room. 

"Ha! ha! ha!" exclaimed Tom, "you need not be so speedy in your flight. This is one of the fashionable requisites of London, with whom youmust also become acquainted; there is no such thing as doing withoutthem--dress and address are indispensables. This is no other than one ofthe decorators. "

"Decorators!" continued Bob, not exactly comprehending him. 

"Monsieur le Tailleur--'Tin Mr. W----, from Cork Street, come toexhibit his Spring patterns, and turn us out with the new cut--so prayremain where you are. "

"Tailor--decorator, " said Bob--"Egad! the idea is almost as ridiculousas the representation of the taylor riding to Brentford. "

By this time the door was opened, and Mr. W. Entered, making his bowwith the precision of a dancing-master, and was followed by a servantwith pattern-books, the other apparatus of his trade. The firstsalutations over, large pattern-books were displayed upon the table, exhibiting to view a variety of fancy-coloured cloths, and measurestaken accordingly. During which time, Tom, as on the former occasion, continued his enquiries relative to the occurrences in the fashionableworld. 

"Rather tame, Sir, at present: the Queen's unexpected visit to the twotheatres was for a time a matter of surprise--the backwardness of DruryLane managers to produce 'God Save the King, ' has been construed intodisloyalty to the Sovereign--and a laughable circumstance took place onhis going to the same house a few nights back, which has already beenmade the subject of much merriment, both in conversation and caricature. It appears that Mr. Gloss'em, who is a _shining character_ in thetheatrical world, at least among the minors of the metropolis; and whosefather was for many years a wax-chandler in the neighbourhood of Soho, holds a situation as clerk of the cheque to the Gentlemen Pensionersof his Majesty's household, as well as that of Major Domo, manager andproprietor of a certain theatre, not half a mile from Waterloo Bridge. 

~60~~A part of his duty in the former capacity is to attend occasionallyupon the person of the King, as one of the appendages of Royalty; inwhich _character_ he appeared on the night in question. The servantsof the attendants who were in waiting for their masters, had a roomappropriated to their use. One of these latter gentry, no other thanGloss'em's servant, being anxious to have as near a view of the sacredperson of his Majesty as his employer, had placed himself in a goodsituation at the door, in order to witness his departure, when a Mr. Winpebble, of mismanaging notoriety, and also a ponderous puff, assumingmanagerial authority, espying him, desired the police-officers andguards in attendance to turn out the lamp-lighter's boy, pointing toGloss'em's servant. This, it seems, was no sooner said than done, at thepoint of the bayonet. Some little scuffle ensued--His Majesty and suitedeparted--Hold up your arm, Sir. "

"But did the matter end there?" enquired Dashall. 

"O dear, no--not exactly. "

"Because if it did, " continued Tom, "in my opinion, it began with a waxtaper, and ended in the smoke of a farthing rushlight. You have made itappear to be a gas-receiver without supplies. "

"I beg pardon, " said Mr. W. ; "the pipes are full, but the gas is not yetturned on. "

This created a laugh, and Mr. W. Proceeded:--

"The next day, the servant having informed his Master of the treatmenthe had received, a gentleman was dispatched from Gloss'em to Winpebble, to demand an apology: which being refused, the former, with a largehorsewhip under his arm, accosted the latter, and handsomely belabouredhis shoulders with lusty stripes. That, you see, Sir, sets the gas allin a blaze. --That will do, Sir. --Now, Sir, at your service, " addressinghimself to Tallyho. 

"Yes, " said Tom, "the taper's alight again now; and pray what was theconsequence?"

"Winpebble called for assistance, which was soon obtained, and away theywent to Bow-street. Manager Taper, and Manager Vapour--the one blazingwith fire, and the other exhausted with thrashing;--'twas a laughingscene. Manager Strutt, and Manager Butt, were strutting and buttingeach other. The magistrate heard the case, and recommended peace andquietness between ~61~~them, by an amicable adjustment. The irritatedminds of the now two enraged managers could not be brought to consentto this. Gloss'em declared the piece should be repeated, having beenreceived with the most rapturous applause. Winpebble roundly swore thatthe piece was ill got up, badly represented, and damn'd to all intentsand purposes--that the author had more strength than wit--and thoughnot a friend to injunctions himself, he moved for an injunction againstGloss'em; who was at length something like the renowned John Astley withhis imitator Rees:

"This great John Astley, and this little Tommy Rees, Were both boundover to keep the King's Peas. "

Gloss'em was bound to keep the peace, and compelled to find securityin the sum of twenty pounds. Thus ended the farce of _The EnragedManagers--Drury Lane in a Blaze, or Bow Street bewildered. _"

"Ha! ha! ha! an animated sort of vehicle for public amusement truly, "said Tom, "and of course produced with new scenery, music, dresses, anddecorations; forming a combination of attractions superior to any everexhibited at any theatre--egad! it would make a most excellent scene ina new pantomime. "

"Ha! ha! ha!" said Mr. W. "true, Sir, true; and the duel of LordShampetre would have also its due portion of effect; but as hisLordship is a good customer of mine, you must excuse any remarks on thatcircumstance. "

"We have already heard of his Lordship's undaunted courage and firmness, as well as the correctness of his aim. "

"He! he! he!" chuckled W. ; "then I fancy your information is not verycorrect, for it appears his lordship displayed a want of every one ofthose qualities that you impute to him; however, I venture to hope nounpleasant measures will result from the occurrence, as I made the verypantaloons he wore upon the occasion. It seems he is considerably _cutup_; but you must know that, previous to the duel, I was consultedupon the best mode of securing his sacred person from the effects of abullet: I recommended a very high waistband lined with whale-bone, andwell padded with horse-hair, to serve as a breast-plate, and calculatedat once to produce warmth, and resist ~62~~penetration. The pantaloonswere accordingly made, thickly overlaid with extremely rich andexpensive gold lace, and considered to be stiff enough for anything--aye, even to keep his Lordship erect. But what do you suppose wasthe effect of all my care? I should not like to make a common talkof it, but so it certainly was: his Lordship had no objection to thewhalebone, buckram, &c. Outside of him, but was fearful that if hisantagonist's fire should be well-directed, his tender body might beadditionally hurt by the splinters of the whalebone being carried alongwith it, and actually proposed to take them off before the dreadful hourof appointment came on. In this however he was fortunately overruled byhis Second, who, by the by, was but a goose in the affair, and managedit altogether very badly, except in the instance of being prompt withthe smelling-bottle, which certainly was well-timed; and it would havebeen a hissing hot business, but for the judicious interference of theother Second. "

A loud laugh succeeded this additional piece of information relativeto the _affair of honour_; and Snip having finished his measurement, colours were fixed upon, and he departed, promising to be punctual inthe delivery of the new habiliments on the next day. 

"I am now convinced, " said Bob, "of the great importance and utility ofa London tradesman, and the speed of their execution is wonderful!"

"Yes, " replied Tom, "it is only to be equalled by the avidity with whichthey obtain information, and the rapidity with which they circulateit--why, in another half hour your personal appearance, the cut ofyour country coat, your complexion and character, as far as so shortan interview would allow for obtaining it, will be known to all hiscustomers--they are generally quick and acute discerners. But come, we must be making ready for our walk, it is now half-past teno'clock--Sparkle will be here presently. It is time to be dressing, as Imean to have a complete ramble during the day, take a chop somewhereon the road, and in the evening, my boy, we'll take a peep into thetheatre. Lord Byron's tragedy of Marino Faliero is to be performedto-night, and I can, I think, promise you a treat of the highest kind. "

Tallyho, who had no idea of dressing again, having already been obligedto dress twice, seemed a little surprised at the proposition, butsupposing it to be the ~~63~~custom of London, nodded assent, andproceeded to the dressing-room. As he walked up stairs he could not helpcasting his visual orbs over the banisters, just to take a bird's eyeview of the scene of his morning disasters, of which, to his greatastonishment and surprise, not a vestige remained--a new lamp had beenprocured, which seemed to have arisen like a phoenix from its ashes, andthe stone passage and stairs appeared as he termed it, "as white as acauliflower. " At the sight of all this, he was gratified and delighted, for he expected to find a heap of ruins to reproach him. He skipped, orrather vaulted up the stairs, three or four at a stride, with all thegaiety of a race-horse when first brought to the starting-post. Therapid movements of a Life in London at once astonished and enrapturedhim; nor did he delay his steps, or his delight, until he had reachedthe topmost story, when bursting open the door, lie marched boldly intothe room. Here again he was at fault; a female shriek assailed his ear, which stopped his course, and looking around him, he could not find fromwhence the voice proceeded. "Good God!" continued the same voice, "whatcan be the meaning of this intrusion?--Begone, rash man. " In the meantime, Tom, who was in a room just under the one into which he hadunfortunately made so sudden an entrance, appeared at the door. 

"What the devil is the matter now?" said Tom; when spying his cousinin the centre of the room, without seeming to know whether to return orremain, he could not restrain his laughter. Tallyho looked up, like onein a dream--then down--then casting his eyes around him, he perceivedin the corner, peeping out from the bed-curtains in which she hadendeavoured to hide her almost naked person, the head of the oldHousekeeper. The picture was moving, and at the same time laughable. The confusion of Bob--the fright of the Housekeeper, and the laughter ofTom, were subjects for the pencil of a Hogarth!

"So, " said Tom, "you are for springing game in all parts of the house, and at all times too. How came you here?"--"Not by my appointment, Sir, "replied the old lady, who still remained rolled up in the curtain. "Inever did such a thing in all my born days: I'm an honest woman, andmean to remain so. I never was so ashamed in all my life. "

~64~~"I believe the house is enchanted, " cried Bob; "d---- me, I neverseem to step without being on a barrel of gunpowder, ready to ignitewith the touch of my foot. I have made some cursed blunder again, anddon't seem to know where I am. "

"Come, come, " said Dashall, "that won't do--I'm sure you had some designupon my Housekeeper, who you hear by her own account is a good woman, and won't listen to your advances. "

By this time the servants had arrived at the door, and were alternatelypeeping in, wondering to see the two gentlemen in such a situation, andsecretly giggling and enjoying the embarrassment of the old woman, whose wig lay on the table, and who was displaying her bald pate andshrivelled features from the bed-curtains, enveloped in fringe andtassels, which only served to render them still more ludicrous. 

Bob affected to laugh; said it was very odd--he could not account forit at all--stammered out something like an apology--begg'd pardon--itwas--a mistake--he really took it for his own room--he never wasso bewildered in his life--was very sorry he should cause so muchalarm--but really had no sort of intention whatever. 

"Well, " said Dashall, "the best reparation you can now make for yourintrusion is a speedy retreat. Time is escaping, so come along;" andtaking him by the arm, they walked down the stairs together, and thenproceeded to re-fit without further obstruction, in order to be readyfor Sparkle, who was expected every minute. 

The first day of Bob's residence in London had already been productiveof some curious adventures, in which he, unfortunately as he considered, had sustained the principal character--a character not altogethersuitable to is inclinations or wishes, though productive of muchmerriment to his ever gay and sprightly Cousin, who had witnessed theembarrassment of his pupil upon his first entrance into Life withungovernable laughter. It was to him excellent sport, while it furnisheda good subject of speculation and conversation among the servants below, but was not so well relished by the affrighted old house-keeper. Indeed, the abrupt entrance of a man into her bed-chamber had so deranged herideas, that she was longer than usual in decking her person previous toher ~65~~re-appearance. The tender frame of the old lady had beensubjected to serious agitations at the bare idea of such a visit, andthe probable imputations that might in consequence be thrown upon hersacred and unspotted character; nor could she for some time recover herusual serenity. 

Such was the situation of the parties at the moment we are nowdescribing; but as our Heroes are preparing for an extensive, actualsurvey of men, manners, and tilings, we shall for the present leave themin peace and quietness, while we proceed to the next chapter. 

CHAPTER VII

 What shows! and what sights! what a round of delights You'll meet in the gay scene of London; How charming to view" amusements still new, Twenty others you'll find soon as one's done. At the gay scene at Court--Peers and gentry resort, In pleasure you'll never miss one day: There's the Opera treat, the parade in Bond Street, And the crowd in Hyde Park on a Sunday. 

~66~~TOM, whose wardrobe was extensive, found no difficulty, and lost notime in preparing for the promenade; while, on the other hand, Tallyhowas perplexed to know how to tog himself out in a way suitable tomake his appearance in the gay world of fashion. Dashall had thereforerapidly equipped himself, when, perceiving it was half-past eleven, he was the more perplexed to account for the absence of Sparkle; foralthough it was an early hour, yet, upon such an occasion as that ofinitiating a new recruit, it was very extraordinary that he should nothave been prompt. However, he entered Tallyho's room, and found himlooking out of the window in a posture of rumination, probably revolvingin his mind the events of the morning. 

"Come, " said Tom, as he entered, "'tis time to be on the move, and ifSparkle don't show in a few minutes, we'll set sail and call in upon himat Long's, in Bond Street. Perhaps he is not well, or something preventshis appearance--we'll make it in our way, and we have a fine day beforeus. "

"I am at your service, " replied Bob, who could not help viewing theelegance of his Cousin's appearance: the style of his dress, and theneatness with which his garments fitted him, were all subjects ofadmiration, and formed so strong a contrast with his own as almostto excite envy. He had however attired himself in a way that befits afashionable country gentleman: a green coat, white waistcoat, buckskinbreeches, and boots, over ~67~~which a pair of leggings appeared, whichextended below the calf of the leg and half up the thigh, surmountedwith a _Lily Shallow_. Such was the costume in which he was destined toshow off; and thus equipped, after a few minutes they emerged from thehouse in Piccadilly on the proposed ramble, and proceeded towards BondStreet. 

The first object that took their particular attention was the BurlingtonArcade. "Come, " said Tom, "we may as well go this way, " and immediatelythey passed the man in the gold-laced hat, who guards the entrance toprevent the admission of boys and improper persons. The display of theshops, with the sun shining through the windows above, afforded much forobservation, and attracted Bob from side to side--to look, to wonder andadmire. But Tom, who was intent upon finding his friend Sparkle, urgedthe necessity of moving onward with more celerity, lest he should begone out, and consequently kept drawing his Cousin forward. "Another anda better opportunity will be afforded for explanation than the present, and as speed is the order of the day, I hope you will not provedisorderly; we shall soon reach Long's, and when we have Sparkle withus, we have one of the most intelligent and entertaining fellows inthe world. He is a sort of index to every thing, and every body; hisknowledge of life and character, together with a facetiousness ofwhim and manner, which he has in delineating them, are what we callin London--_Prime and bang up to the mark_. There is scarcely a Lane, Court, Alley, or Street, in the Metropolis, but what he knows, from theremotest corners of Rag-Fair, to the open and elegant Squares of theWest, even to Hyde Park Corner. Memory, mirth, and magic, seem at alltimes to animate his tongue, and, as the Song says, "He is the hoy for bewitching 'em, Whether good-humour'd or coy. "

Indeed, he is the admiration of all who know him; wit, whim, frolic, and fun, are constant companions with him, and I really believe, in adungeon or a palace, he would always appear the same. "

By this time they had reached Bond Street, in their way to which, each step they had taken, the streets and avenues of every descriptionappeared to Bob to be crowded to an excess; the mingling cries whichwere ~68~~vociferated around them produced in his mind uncommonsensations. The rattling of the carriages, the brilliance of the shops, and the continual hum of the passengers, contributed to heighten thescene. 

"Bond Street, " said Dashall, "is not one of the most elegant streetsin the vicinity of London, but is the resort of the most fashionablepeople, and from about two o'clock till five, it is all bustle--alllife--every species of fashionable vehicle is to be seen dashingalong in gay and gallant pride. From two to five are the fashionableshopping-hours, for which purpose the first families resort to thiswell-known street--others, to shew their equipage, make an assignation, or kill a little time; which is as much a business with some, as is themore careful endeavours of others to seize him in his flight, and makethe most of his presence. The throng is already increasing; the variety, richness, and gaiety of the shops in this street, will always beattractive, and make it a popular rendezvous of both sexes. It willshortly be as crowded as Rag Fair, or the Royal Exchange; and the magicsplendour has very peculiar properties. 

"It makes the tradesman forget--while he is cheating a lovely andsmiling Duchess--that in all probability her ladyship is endeavouring tocheat him. It makes the gay and airy, the furbelowed and painted lady ofthe town, forget that she must pay a visit to her uncle, {1} in orderto raise the wind before she can make her appearance at the theatreat half-price. It makes the dashing prisoner forget, that while "heis sporting his figure in the bang-up style of appearance, he is onlytaking his ride on a day-rule from the King's Bench. It makes the Lordwho drives four-in-hand forget his losses of the night before at some ofthe fashionable gaming-houses. It makes one adventurer forget that theclothes in which he expects to obtain respect and attention, are morethan likely to be paid for in Newgate; another for a time forgets that_John Doe_ and _Richard Roe_ have expelled him from his

 1 My Uncle is a very convenient and accommodating sort of friend, who lives at the sign of the Three Balls, indicative of his willingness to lend money upon good security, for the payment of enormous interest. The original meaning of the sign has puzzled the curious and antiquarians, and the only probable meaning they can discover is, that it implies the chances are two to one against any property being redeemed after being once committed to the keeping of this tender hearted and affectionate relative. 

69~~lodgings; and a third that all his worldly possessions are not equalto the purchase of a dinner. It is an _ignis fatuus_--a sort of magiclantern replete with delusive appearances--of momentary duration--anescape to the regions of noise, tumult, vanity, and frivolity, where therealities of Life, the circumstances and the situation of the observer, are not suffered to intrude. 

"But to be seen in this street at a certain hour, is one of theessentials to the existence of _haut-ton_--it is the point of attractionfor greetings in splendid equipages, from the haughty bend or familiarnod of arrogance, to the humble bow of servility. Here mimicry withoutmoney assumes the consequential air of independence: while modest meritcreeps along unheeded through the glittering crowd. Here all the sensesare tantalized with profusion, and the eye is dazzled with temptation, for no other reason than because it is the constant business of afashionable life--not to live in, but out of self, to imitate theluxuries of the affluent without a tithe of their income, and tosacrifice morality at the altar of notoriety. "

"Your description of this celebrated street, of which I have heard somuch, " said Tallyho, "is truly lively. "

"But it is strictly true, " continued Tom. 

They had now arrived at Long's, and found a barouche and four waiting atthe door. Upon entering, the first person they met was Lord Cripplegate, whom they passed, and proceeded to the coffee-room; in one of theboxes of which Tom immediately directed his Cousin's attention to awell-dressed young man, who was reading the newspaper, and sipping hiscoffee--"Take notice of him, " said Tom. 

Bob looked at him for a moment, marked his features, and his dress, which was in the extreme of fashion; while Tom, turning to one of theWaiters, enquired for his friend Sparkle. 

"He has not been here since yesterday morning!" said the Waiter. 

"I have been waiting for him these two hours!" exclaimed the young Sprigof Fashion, laying down the newspaper almost at the same moment, "andmust wait till he comes--Ah! Mr. Dashall, how d'ye do?---very glad tosee you--left all well in the country, I hope!--Mr. Sparkle was to havemet me this morning at eleven precisely, I should judge he is gone intothe country. "

"It must have been late last night, then, " said Dashall, ~70~~"for heleft us about half-past ten, and promised also to meet us again thismorning at eleven; I can't think what can have become of him--but come, "said he, taking Bob by the arm, "we must keep moving--Good morning--goodmorning. " And thus saying, walked directly out of the house, turning tothe right again towards Piccadilly. 

"There is a remark made, I think by Goldsmith, " said Tom, "that one halfof the world don't know how the other half lives; and the man I spoke toin the coffee-room, whose name I am unacquainted with, though his personis recognized by almost every body, while his true character, residence, and means of subsistence, remain completely in obscurity, from what Ihave seen of him, I judge is what may be termed a _hanger on_. "

"A hanger on, " said Bob--"what can that mean? I took him for a man ofproperty and high birth--but I saw you take so little notice of him. "

"Ah! my good fellow, I have already cautioned you not to be duped byappearances. A _hanger on_ is a sort of sycophant, or toad-eater, and, in the coffee-houses and hotels of London, many such are to befound--men who can _spin out a long yarn_, tell a tough story, andtip you _a rum chant_--who invite themselves by a freedom of addressbordering on impudence to the tables and the parties of persons theyknow, by pretending to call in by mere accident, just at the appointedtime: by assuming great confidence, great haste, little appetite, andmuch business; but, at the same time, requiring but little pressure toforego them all for the pleasure of the company present. What hecan have to do with Sparkle I am at a loss to conceive; but he is aninsinuating and an intriguing sort of fellow, whom I by no means like, so I cut him. "

Bob did not exactly understand the meaning of the word cut, andtherefore begged his Cousin to explain. 

"The cut, " said Tom, "is a fashionable word for getting rid, by rudeor any means, of any person whose company is not agreeable. The art of_cutting_ is reduced to a system in London; and an explanatory treatisehas been written on the subject for the edification of the natives. {1}But I am so bewildered to think what can have detained Sparkle, anddeprived us of his company, that I scarcely know how to think for amoment on any other subject at present. "

 1 Vide a small volume entitled "The Cutter. "

~71~~"It is somewhat strange!" cried Bob, "that he was not with you thismorning. "

"There is some mystery in it, " said Tom, "which time alone can unravel;but however, we will not be deprived of our intended ramble. " At thismoment they entered Piccadilly, and were crossing the road in their wayto St. James's Street, when Dashall nodded to a gentleman passing by onthe opposite side, and received a sort of half bow in return. "That, "said Tom, "is a curious fellow, and a devilish clever fellow too--foralthough he has but one arm, he is a man of science. "

"In what way?" enquired Bob. 

"He is a pugilist, " said Tom--"one of those courageous gentlemen who canqueer the daylights, tap the claret, prevent telling fibs, and pop thenoddle into chancery; and a devilish good hand he is, I can assure you, among those who

 ----"can combat with ferocious strife, And beat an eye out, or thump out a life; Can bang the ribs in, or bruise out the brains, And die, like noble blockheads, for their pains. "

[Illustration: page71 Fives Court]

"Having but one arm, of course he is unable to figure in thering--though he attends the mills, and is a constant visitor at theFives Court exhibitions, and generally appears _a la Belcher_. He prideshimself upon flooring a novice, and hits devilish hard with the glove. Ihave had some lessons from this amateur of the old English science, andfelt the force of his fist; but it is a very customary thing to commencein a friendly way, till the knowing one finds an opportunity which hecannot resist, of shewing the superiority he possesses. So it was withHarry and me, when he put on his glove. I use the singular number, because he has but one hand whereon to place a glove withal. Come, saidhe, it shall only be a little innocent spar. I also put on a glove, for it would not be fair to attack a one-armed man with two, and no oneought to take the odds in combat. To it we went, and I shewed _firstblood_, for he tapped _the claret_ in no time. 

"Neat _milling we had_, what with _clouts on the nob_, Home hits inthe _bread-basket_, clicks in the gob, And plumps in the daylights, aprettier treat Between two _Johnny Raws_ 'tis not easy to meet. "

~72~~"I profited however by Harry's lessons, and after a short time wasenabled to return the compliment with interest, by sewing up one of his_glimmers_. 

"This is St. James's Street, " continued he, as they turned the cornerrather short; in doing which, somewhat animated by the description hehad just been giving, Tom's foot caught the toe of a gentleman, whowas mincing along the pathway with all the care and precision of adancing-master, which had the effect of bringing him to the ground in aninstant as effectually as a blow from one of the fancy. Tom, who hadno intention of giving offence wantonly, apologized for the misfortune, by--"I beg pardon, Sir, " while Bob, who perceived the poor creature wasunable to rise again, and apprehending some broken bones, assisted himto regain his erect position. The poor animal, or nondescript, ycleptDandy, however had only been prevented the exercise of its limbs by thestiffness of certain appendages, without which its person could not becomplete--the _stays_, lined with whalebone, were the obstacles to itsrising. Being however placed in its natural position, he began in anaffected blustering tone of voice to complain that it was d----d odda gentleman could not walk along the streets without being incommodedby puppies--pulled out his quizzing glass, and surveyed our heroes fromhead to foot--then taking from his pocket a smelling bottle, which, byapplication to the nose, appeared to revive him, Tom declared he wassorry for the accident, had no intention, and hoped he was not hurt. This, however, did not appear to satisfy the offended Dandy, who turnedupon his heel muttering to himself the necessity there was of preventingdrunken fellows from rambling the streets to the annoyance of sober andgenteel people in the day-time. 

Dashall, who overheard the substance of his ejaculation, broke from thearm of Bob, and stepping after him without ceremony, by a sudden wheelplaced himself in the front of him, so as to impede his progress asecond time; a circumstance which filled Mr. Fribble with additionalalarm, and his agitation became visibly' depicted on his countenance. 

"What do you mean?" cried Dashall, with indignation, taking theimputation of drunkenness at that early hour in dudgeon. "Who, andwhat are you, ~73~~Sir?{1} Explain instantly, or by the honour of agentleman, I'll chastise this insolence. "

 1 "What are you?" is a formidable question to a dandy of the present day, for

 "Dandy's a gender of the doubtful kind; A something, nothing, not to be defined; 'Twould puzzle worlds its sex to ascertain, So very empty, and so very vain. "

 It is a fact that the following examination of three of these non-descripts took place at Bow Street a very short time back, in consequence of a nocturnal fracas. The report was thus given:

 "Three young sprigs of fashion, in full dress, somewhat damaged and discoloured by a night's lodging in the cell of a watch-house, were yesterday brought before Mr. Birnie, charged with disorderly conduct in the streets, and with beating a watchman named Lloyd. 

 "Lloyd stated that his beat was near the Piazza, and at a very late hour on Thursday night, the three defendants came through Covent Garden, singing, and conducting themselves in the most riotous manner possible. They were running, and were followed by three others, all in a most uproarious state of intoxication, and he thought proper to stop them; upon which he was _floored san-ceremonie_, and when he recovered his legs, he was again struck, and called '_a b----y Charley_, ' and other ungenteel names. He called for the assistance of some of his brethren, and the defendants were with some trouble taken to the watch-house. They were very jolly on the way, and when lodged in durance, amused themselves with abusing the Constable of the night, and took especial care that no one within hearing of the watch-house should get a wink of sleep for the remainder of the night. 

 Mr. Birnie. --"Well young gentleman, what have you to say to this?" The one who undertook to be spokesman, threw himself in the most familiar manner possible across the table, and having fixed himself perfectly at his ease, he said, "The fact was, they had been dining at a tavern, and were rather drunk, and on their way through the Piazza, they endeavoured by running away to give the slip to their three companions, who were still worse than themselves. The others, however called out Stop thief! and the watchman stopped them; whereat they naturally felt irritated, and certainly gave the watchman a bit of a thrashing. "

 Mr. Birnie. --"How was he to know you were not the thieves? He did quite right to stop you, and I am very glad he has brought you here--Pray, Sir, what are you?" Defendant. --"I am nothing, Sir. " Mr. Birnie (to another). --"And what are you?" Defendant. --"Why, Sir, I am--I am, Sir, nothing. " Mr. Birnie. --"Well, this is very fine. Pray, Sir, (turning to the third, who stood twirling his hat) will you do me the favour to tell what you are?"

 This gentleman answered in the same way. "I am, as my friends observed, nothing. "

 Mr. Birnie. --"Well, gentlemen, I must endeavour to make something of you. Here, gaoler, let them he locked up, and I shall not part with them until I have some better account of their occupations. "

 We have heard it asserted, that Nine tailors make a man. How many Dandies, professing to be Nothing, may be required to accomplish the proposed intention of making Something, may (perhaps by this time) be discovered by the worthy Magistrate. We however suspect he has had severe work of it. 

~74~~"Leave me alone, " exclaimed the almost petrified Dandy. 

"Not till you have given me the satisfaction I have a right to demand, "cried Tom. "I insist upon an explanation and apology--or demand yourcard--who are you, Sir? That's my address, " instantly handing him acard. "I am not to be played with, nor will I suffer your escape, afterthe insulting manner in which you have spoken, with impunity. "

Though not prepared for such a rencontre, the Dandy, who now perceivedthe inflexible temper of Tom's mind--and a crowd of people gatheringround him--determined at least to put on as much of the character of aman as possible, and fumbled in his pocket for a card; at length findingone, he slipped it into Tom's hand. "Oh, Sir, " said he, "if that's thecase, I'm your man, _demmee_, --how, when, or where you please, 'ponhonor. " Then beckoning to a hackney coach, he hobbled to the door, and was pushed in by coachee, who, immediately mounted the box andflourishing his whip, soon rescued him from his perilous situation, andthe jeers of the surrounding multitude. 

Tom, who in the bustle of the crowd had slipped the card of hisantagonist into his pocket, now took Bob's arm, and they pursued theirway down St. James's Street, and could not help laughing at the affair:but Tallyho, who had a great aversion to duelling, and was thinking ofthe consequences, bit his lips, and expressed his sorrow at whathad occurred; he ascribed the hasty imputation of drunkenness to theirritating effects of the poor creature's accident, and expressed hishope that his cousin would take no further notice of it. Tom, however, on the other ~75~~hand, ridiculed Bob's fears--told him it was a pointof honour not to suffer an insult in the street from any man--nor wouldhe--besides, the charge of drunkenness from such a thing as that, is notto be borne. "D----n it, man, drunkenness in the early part of the dayis a thing I abhor, it is at all times what I would avoid if possible, but at night there may be many apologies for it; nay in some cases evento avoid it is impossible. The pleasures of society are enhancedby it--the joys of love are increased by the circulation of theglass--harmony, conviviality and friendship are produced by it--though Iam no advocate for inebriety, and detest the idea of the beast--

 "Who clouds his reason by the light of day, And falls to drink, an early and an easy prey. "

"Well, " said Bob, "I cannot help thinking this poor fellow, who hasalready betrayed his fears, will be inclined to make any apology for hisrudeness to-morrow. "

"If he does not, " said Tom, "I'll wing him, to a certainty--ajackanapes--a puppy--a man-milliner; perhaps a thing of shreds andpatches--he shall not go unpunished, I promise you; so come along, wewill just step in here, and I'll dispatch this business at once: I'llwrite a challenge, and then it will be off my hands. " And so saying, they entered a Coffee-house, where, calling for pen, ink and paper, Tomimmediately began his epistle, shrewdly hinting to his Cousin, that heexpected he would act as his Second. "It will be a fine opportunity forintroducing your name to the gay world--the newspapers will record yourname as a man of ton. Let us see now how it will appear:--On ---- last, the Honourable Tom Dashall, attended by his Cousin, Robert Tallyho, Esq. Of Belleville Hall, met--ah, by the bye, let us see who he is, " here hefelt in his pocket for the card. 

Bob, however, declared his wish to decline obtaining popularity by beingpresent upon such an occasion, and suggested the idea of his callingupon the offender, and endeavouring to effect an amicable arrangementbetween them. 

"Hallo!" exclaimed Tom with surprise, as he drew the card from hispocket, and threw it on the table--"Ha, ha, ha, --look at that. "

Tallyho looked at the card without understanding it. "What does itmean?" said he. 

~76~~"Mean, " replied Tom, "why it is a Pawnbroker's duplicate for aHunting Watch, deposited with his uncle this morning in St. Martin'sLane, for two pounds--laughable enough--well, you may dismiss your fearsfor the present; but I'll try if I can't find my man by this means--ifhe is worth finding--at all events we have found a watch. "

Bob now joined in the laugh, and, having satisfied the Waiter, theysallied forth again. 

Just as they left the Coffee-house, "Do you see that Gentleman in theblue great coat, arm in arm with another? that is no other than the----. You would scarcely conceive, by his present appearance, thathe has commanded armies, and led them on to victory; and that havingretired under the shade of his laurels, he is withering them away, leaf by leaf, by attendance at the _hells_{1} of the metropolis; hisunconquerable spirit still actuating him in his hours of relaxation. Itis said that the immense sum awarded to him for his prowess in war, has been so materially reduced by his inordinate passion for play, thatalthough he appears at Court, and is a favourite, the demon Povertystares him in the face. But this is a vile world, and half one hears isnot to be believed. He is certainly extravagant, fond of women, and fondof wine; but all these foibles are overshadowed with so much glory asscarcely to remain perceptible. Here is the Palace, " said Tom, directinghis Cousin's attention to the bottom of the street. 

Bob was evidently struck at this piece of information, as he coulddiscover no mark of grandeur in its appearance to entitle it to thedignity of a royal residence. 

"It is true, " said Tom, "the outside appearance is not much in itsfavour; but it is venerable for its antiquity, and for its being tilllately the place at which the Kings of this happy Island have held theirCourts. On the site of that palace originally stood an hospital, founded before the conquest, for fourteen leprous females, to whom eightbrethren were afterwards added, to assist in the performance of divineservice. "

"Very necessary, " said Bob, "and yet scarcely sufficient. "

 1 Hells--The abode or resort of black-legs or gamblers, where they assemble to commit their depredations on the unwary. But of these we shall have occasion to enlarge elsewhere. 

~77~~"You seem to quiz this Palace, and are inclined to indulge your witupon old age. In 1532, it was surrendered to Henry viii. And he erectedthe present Palace, and enclosed St. James's Park, to serve as a placeof amusement and exercise, both to this Palace and Whitehall. But itdoes not appear to have been the Court of the English Sovereigns, duringtheir residence in town, till the reign of Queen Ann, from which time ithas been uniformly used as such. 

"It is built of brick; and that part which contains the stateapartments, being only one story high, gives it a regular appearanceoutside. The State-rooms are commodious and handsome, although there isnothing very superb or grand in the decorations or furniture. 

"The entrance to these rooms is by a stair-case which opens into theprincipal court, which you now see. At the top of the stair-case aretwo rooms; one on the left, called the Queen's, and the other the King'sGuard-room, leading to the State-apartments. Immediately beyond theKing's Guard-room is the Presence-chamber, which contains a canopy, and is hung with tapestry; and which is now used as a passage to theprincipal rooms. 

"There is a suite of five rooms opening into each other successively, fronting the Park. The Presence-chamber opens into the centre room, which is denominated the Privy-chamber, in which is a canopy offlowered-crimson velvet, generally made use of for the King to receivethe Quakers. 

"On the right are two drawing-rooms, one within the other. At the upperend of the further one, is a throne with a splendid canopy, on which theKings have been accustomed to receive certain addresses. This is calledthe Grand Drawing-room, and is used by the King and Queen on certainstate occasions, the nearer room being appropriated as a kind ofante-chamber, in which the nobility, &c. Are permitted to remain whiletheir Majesties are present in the further room, and is furnished withstools, sofas, &c. For the purpose. There are two levee-rooms on theleft of the privy-chamber, on entering from the King's guard-room andpresence-chamber, the nearer one serving as an ante-chamber to theother. They were all of them, formerly, meanly furnished, but at thetime of the marriage of our present King, they were elegantly fittedup. The walls are now covered with tapestry, very beautiful, and of richcolours--tapestry which, although it ~73~~was made for Charles II. Hadnever been used, having by some accident lain unnoticed in a chest, tillit was discovered a short time before the marriage of the Prince. 

"The canopy of the throne was made for the late-Queen's birth-day, thefirst which happened after the union of Great Britain and Ireland. Itis made of crimson velvet, with very broad gold lace, embroidered withcrowns set with fine and rich pearls. The shamrock, emblematical of theIrish nation, forms a part of the decorations of the British crown, andis executed with great taste and accuracy. 

"The grand drawing-room contains a large, magnificent chandelier ofsilver, gilt, but I believe it has not been lighted for some years; andin the grand levee-room is a very noble bed, the furniture of which isof Spitalfields manufacture, in crimson velvet. It was first put up withthe tapestry, on the marriage of the present King, then Prince of Wales. 

"It is upon the whole an irregular building, chiefly consisting ofseveral courts and alleys, which lead into the Park. This, however, isthe age of improvement, and it is said that the Palace will shortlybe pulled down, and in the front of St. James's Street a magnificenttriumphal arch is to be erected, to commemorate the glorious victoriesof the late war, and to form a grand entrance to the Park. 

"The Duke of York, the Duke of Clarence, the King's servants, and manyother dignified persons, live in the Stable-yard. "

"In the Stable-yard!" said Bob, "dignified persons reside in aStable-yard, you astonish me!"

"It is quite true, " said Tom, "and remember it is the Stable-yard of aKing. "

"I forgot that circumstance, " said Bob, "and that circumstances altercases. But whose carriage is this driving with so much rapidity?"

"That is His Highness the Duke of York, most likely going to pay a visitto his royal brother, the King, who resides in a Palace a little furtheron: which will be in our way, for it is yet too early to see much inthe Park: so let us proceed, I am anxious to make some inquiry aboutmy antagonist, and therefore mean to take St. Martin's Lane as we goalong. "

With this they pursued their way along Pall Mall. The rapidity of Tom'smovements however afforded little opportunity for observation or remark, till they ~79~~arrived opposite Carlton House, when he called hisCousin's attention to the elegance of the new streets opposite to it. 

"That, " said he, "is Waterloo Place, which, as well as the memorablebattle after which it is named, has already cost the nation an immensesum of money, and must cost much more before the proposed improvementsare completed: it is however, the most elegant street in London. Thewant of uniformity of the buildings has a striking effect, and gives itthe appearance of a number of palaces. In the time of Queen Elizabeththere were no such places as Pall Mall, St. James's-street, Piccadilly, nor any of the streets or fine squares in this part of the town. Thatbuilding at the farther end is now the British Fire-office, and has apleasing effect at this distance. The cupola on the left belongs to achapel, the interior of which for elegant simplicity is unrivalled. Tothe left of the centre building is a Circus, and a serpentine street, not yet finished, which runs to Swallow Street, and thence directlyto Oxford Road, where another circus is forming, and is intended tocommunicate with Portland Place; by which means a line of street, composed of all new buildings, will be completed. Of this dull lookingplace (turning to Carlton House) although it is the town-residenceof our King, I shall say nothing at present, as I intend devoting amorning, along with you, to its inspection. The exterior has not themost lively appearance, but the interior is magnificent. "--During thisconversation they had kept moving gently on. 

[Illustration: page79 The Kings Levee]

Bob was charmed with the view down Waterloo Place. 

"That, " said his Cousin, pointing to the Arcade at the opposite cornerof Pall Mall, "is the Italian Opera-house, which has recently assumedits present superb appearance, and may be ranked among the finestbuildings in London. It is devoted to the performance of Italian operasand French ballets, is generally open from December to July, andis attended by the most distinguished and fashionable persons. Theimprovements in this part are great. That church, which you see in thedistance over the tops of the houses, is St. Martin's in the fields. "

"In the fields, " inquired Bob; "what then, are we come to the end of thetown?"

~80~~"Ha! ha! ha!" cried Tom--"the end--no, no, --I was going to saythere is no end to it--no, we have not reached any thing like thecentre. "

"_Blood an owns, boderation and blarney_, " (said an Irishman, at thatmoment passing them with a hod of mortar on his shoulder, towards thenew buildings, and leaving an ornamental patch as he went along on Bob'sshoulder) "but I'll be a'ter _tipping turnups_{l} to any b----dyrogue that's tip to saying--_Black's the white of the blue part of PatMurphy's eye_; and for that there matter, " dropping the hod of mortaralmost on their toes at the same time, and turning round to Bob--"By thepowers! I ax the Jontleman's pardon--tho' he's not the first Jontlemanthat has carried mortar--where is that _big, bully-faced blackguard_that I'm looking after?" During this he brushed the mortar off Tallyho'scoat with a snap of his fingers, regardless of where or on whom hedistributed it. 

The offender, it seemed, had taken flight while Pat was apologizing, andwas no where to be found. 

"Why what's the matter?" inquired Tom; "you seem in a passion. "

"Och! not in the least bit, your honour! I'm only in a d----d rage. Bythe mug of my mother--arn't it a great shame that a Jontleman ofIreland can't walk the streets of London without having _poratees andbutter-milk_ throw'd in his gums?"--Hitching up the waistband of hisbreeches--"It won't do at all at all for Pat: its a reflection on my ownnative land, where--

 "Is hospitality, All reality, No formality There you ever see; The free and easy Would so amaze ye, You'd think us all crazy, For dull we never be. "

These lines sung with an Irish accent, to the tune of "Morgan Rattler, "accompanied with a snapping of his fingers, and concluded with asomething in imitation of

 1 _Tipping Turnups_--This is a phrase made use of among the _prigging_ fraternity, to signify a turn-up--which is to knock down. 

~81~~an Irish jilt, were altogether so truly characteristic of thenation to which he belonged, as to afford our Heroes considerableamusement. Tom threw him a half-crown, which he picked up with morehaste than he had thrown down the mortar in his rage. 

"Long life and good luck to the Jontleman!" said Pat. "Sure enough, I won't be after drinking health and success to your Honour's prettypicture, and the devil pitch into his own cabin the fellow that wouldbe after picking a hole or clapping a dirty patch on the coat of St. Patrick--whiskey for ever, your Honour, huzza--

 "A drop of good whiskey Would make a man frisky. "

By this time a crowd was gathering round them, and Tom cautioned Bob ina whisper to beware of his pockets. This piece of advice however cametoo late, for his _blue bird's eye wipe_{l} had taken flight. 

"What, " said Bob, "is this done in open day?" "Are you all right andtight elsewhere?" said Tom--"if you are, toddle on and say nothing aboutit. --Open day!" continued he, "aye, the system of _frigging_{2}

 1 _Blue bird's eye wipe_--A blue pocket handkerchief with white spots. 

 2 A cant term for all sorts of thieving. The Life of the celebrated George Barrington, of Old Bailey notoriety, is admirably illustrative of this art; which by a more recent development of Hardy Vaux, appears to be almost reduced to a system, notwithstanding the wholesomeness of our laws and the vigilance of our police in their administration. However incredible it may appear, such is the force of habit and association, the latter, notwithstanding he was detected and transported, contrived to continue his depredations during his captivity, returned, at the expiration of his term, to his native land and his old pursuits, was transported a second time, suffered floggings and imprison-ments, without correcting what cannot but be termed the vicious propensities of his nature. He generally spent his mornings in visiting the shops of jewellers, watch-makers, pawnbrokers, &c. Depending upon his address and appearance, and determining to make the whole circuit of the metropolis and not to omit a single shop in either of those branches. This scheme he actually executed so fully, that he believes he did not leave ten untried in London; for he made a point of commencing early every day, and went regularly through it, taking both sides of the way. His practice on entering a shop was to request to look at gold seals, chains, brooches, rings, or any other small articles of value, and while examining them, and looking the shopkeeper in the face, he contrived by sleight of hand to conceal two or three, sometimes more, as opportunities offered, in the sleeve of his coat, which was purposely made wide. In this practice he succeeded to a very great extent, and in the course of his career was never once detected in the fact, though on two or three occa-sions so much suspicion arose that he was obliged to exert all his effrontery, and to use very high language, in order, as the cant phrase is, to bounce the tradesman out of it; his fashionable appearance, and affected anger at his insinuations, always had the effect of inducing an apology; and in many such cases he has actually carried away the spoil, notwithstanding what passed between them, and even gone so far as to visit the same shop again a second and a third time with as good success as at first. This, with his nightly attendance at the Theatres and places of public resort, where he picked pockets of watches, snuff-boxes, &c. Was for a length of time the sole business of his life. He was however secured, after secreting himself for a time, convicted, and is now transported for life--as he conceives, sold by another cele-brated Prig, whose real name was Bill White, but better known by the title of Conky Beau. 

~82~~will be acted on sometimes by the very party you are speakingto--the expertness with which it is done is almost beyond belief. "

Bob having ascertained that his handkerchief was the extent of his loss, they pursued their way towards Charing Cross. 

"A line of street is intended, " continued Tom, "to be made from theOpera House to terminate with that church; and here is the King's Mews, which is now turned into barracks. "

"Stop thief! Stop thief!" was at this moment vociferated in their earsby a variety of voices, and turning round, they perceived a well-dressedman at full speed, followed pretty closely by a concourse of people. Ina moment the whole neighbourhood appeared to be in alarm. The up-stairswindows were crowded with females--the tradesmen were at theirshop-doors--the passengers were huddled together in groups, inquiring ofeach other--"What is the matter?--who is it?--which is him?--what has hedone?" while the pursuers were increasing in numbers as they went. Thebustle of the scene was new to Bob--Charing Cross and its vicinity wasall in motion. 

"Come, " said Tom, "let us see the end of this--they are sure to _nab_{l}my gentleman before he gets much

 1 _Nabbed or nibbled_--Secured or taken. 

~83~~farther, so let us _brush_{1} on. " Then pulling his Cousin by thearm, they moved forward to the scene of action. 

As they approached St. Martin's Lane, the gathering of the crowd, whichwas now immense, indicated to Tom a capture. 

"Button up, " said he, "and let us see what's the matter. "

"_Arrah be easy_" cried a voice which they instantly recognized to be noother than Pat Murphy's. "I'll hold you, my dear, till the night afterDoomsday, though I can't tell what day of the year that is. Where's theman wid the _gould-laced skull-cap_? Sure enough I tought I'd be up wi'you, and so now you see I'm down upon you. "

At this moment a Street-keeper made way through the crowd, and Tomand Bob keeping close in his rear, came directly up to the principalperformers in this interesting scene, and found honest Pat Murphyholding the man by his collar, while he was twisting and writhing to getreleased from the strong and determined grasp of the athletic Hibernian. 

Pat no sooner saw our Heroes, than he burst out with a lusty "Arroo!arroo! there's the sweet-looking jontleman that's been robbed by a dirty_spalpeen_ that's not worth the tail of a rotten red-herring. I'll givecharge of dis here pick'd bladebone of a dead donkey that walks about inGod's own daylight, dirting his fingers wid what don't belong to him atall at all. So sure as the devil's in his own house, and that's London, you've had your pocket pick'd, my darling, and that's news well worthhearing"--addressing himself to Dashall. 

By this harangue it was pretty clearly understood that Murphy had beenin pursuit of the pickpocket, and Tom immediately gave charge. 

The man, however, continued to declare he was not the rightperson--"That, so help him G----d, the Irishman had got the wrongbull by the tail--that he was a b----dy _snitch_{2} and that he would_sarve him out_{3}--that he wished

 1 _Brush_--Be off. 

 2 _Snitch_--A term made use of by the light-fingered tribe, to signify an informer, by whom they have been impeached or betrayed--So a person who turns king's evidence against his accomplices is called a Snitch. 

 3 _Serve him out_--To punish, or be revenged upon any person for any real or supposed injury. 

~84~~he might meet him out of St. Giles's, and he would _wake_{ 1} himwith an _Irish howl_. "

 1 Wake with an Irish howl--An Irish Wake, which is no unfrequent occurrence in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's and Saffron Hill, is one of the most comically serious ceremonies which can well be conceived, and certainly baffles all powers of description. It is, however, considered indispensable to wake the body of a de-ceased native of the sister kingdom, which is, by a sort of mock lying in state, to which all the friends, relatives, and fellow countrymen and women, of the dead person, are indiscriminately admitted; and among the low Irish this duty is frequently performed in a cellar, upon which occasions the motley group of assembled Hibernians would form a subject for the pencil of the most able satirist. 

 Upon one of these occasions, when Murtoch Mulrooney, who had suffered the sentence of the law by the common hangman, for a footpad robbery, an Englishman was induced by a friend of the deceased to accompany him, and has left on record the following account of his entertainment:--

 "When we had descended (says he) about a dozen steps, we found ourselves in a subterraneous region, but fortunately not uninhabited. On the right sat three old bawds, drinking whiskey and smoking tobacco out of pipes about two inches long, (by which means, I conceive, their noses had become red, ) and swearing and blasting between each puff. I was immediately saluted by one of the most sober of the ladies, and invited to take a glass of the enlivening nectar, and led to the bed exactly opposite the door, where Murtoch was laid out, and begged to pray for the repose of his precious shoul. This, however, I declined, alleging that as the parsons were paid for praying, it was their proper business. At this moment a coarse female voice exclaimed, in a sort of yell or Irish howl, 'Arrah! by Jasus, and why did you die, honey?--Sure enough it was not for the want of milk, meal, or tatoes. '

 "In a remote corner of the room, or rather cellar, sat three draymen, five of his majesty's body guards, four sailors, six haymakers, eight chairmen, and six evidence makers, together with three bailiffs' followers, who came by turns to view the body, and take a drop of the _cratur_ to drink repose to the shoul of their countryman; and to complete the group, they were at-tended by the journeyman Jack Ketch. The noise and confusion were almost stupefying--there were praying--swearing--crying-howling--smoking--and drinking. 

 "At the head of the bed where the remains of Murtoch were laid, was the picture of the Virgin Mary on one side, and that of St. Patrick on the other; and at the feet was depicted the devil and some of his angels, with the blood running down their backs, from the flagellations which they had received from the disciples of Ketigern. Whether the blue devils were flying around or not, I could not exactly discover, but the whiskey and _blue ruin_ were evidently powerful in their effects. 

 "One was swearing--a second counting his beads--a third descanting on the good qualities of his departed friend, and about to try those of the whiskey--a fourth evacuating that load with which he had already overloaded himself--a fifth, declaring he could carry a fare, hear mass, knock down a member of parliament, murder a peace officer, and after all receive a pension: and while the priest was making an assignation with a sprightly female sprig of Shelalah, another was jonteelly picking his pocket. I had seen enough, and having no desire to continue in such company, made my escape with as much speed as I could from this animated group of persons, assembled as they were upon so solemn an occasion. "

~85~~With conversation of this kind, the party were amused up St. Martin's lane, and on the remainder of the road to Bow-street, followedby many persons, some of whom pretended to have seen a part of theproceedings, and promised to give their evidence before the magistrate, who was then sitting. 

On arriving in Bow Street, they entered the Brown Bear, {1} apublic-house, much frequented by the officers, and in which is astrong-room for the safe custody of prisoners, where they were shewninto a dark back-parlour, as they termed it, and the officer proceededto search the man in custody, when lo and behold! the handkerchief wasnot to be found about him. 

Pat d----d the devil and all his works--swore "by the fiery furnace ofBeelzebub, and that's the devil's own bed-chamber, that was the manthat nibbled the Jontleman's _dive_, {2} and must have _ding'd away thewipe_, {3} or else what should he _bolt_{4} for?--that he was up to the_rum slum_, {5}

 1 A former landlord of the house facetiously christened it the Russian Hotel, and had the words painted under the sign of Bruin. 

 2 _Nibbled the Jontleman's dive_--Picked the gentleman's pocket. 

 3 _Ding'd away the wipe_--Passed away the handkerchief to another, to escape detection. This is a very common practice in London: two or three in a party will be near, without appearing to have the least knowledge of, or connexion with each other, and the moment a depredation is committed by one, he transfers the property to one of his pals, by whom it is conveyed perhaps to the third, who decamps with it to some receiver, who will immediately advance money upon it; while, if any suspicion should fall upon the first, the second will perhaps busy himself in his endeavours to secure the offender, well knowing no proof of possession can be brought against him. 

 4 _Bolt_--Run away; try to make an escape. 

 5 _Rum slum_--Gammon--queer talk or action, in which some fraudulent intentions are discoverable or suspected. 

~86~~and down upon the _kiddies_{1}--and sure enough you're _boned, _{2}my dear boy. "

Some of the officers came in, and appeared to know the prisoner well, as if they had been acquainted with each other upon former officialbusiness; but as the lost property was not found upon him, it was thegeneral opinion that nothing could be done, and the accused began toexercise his wit upon Murphy, which roused Pat's blood:

"For the least thing, you know, makes an Irishman roar. "

At length, upon charging him with having been caught _blue-pigeonflying, _{3} Pat gave him the lie in his teeth--swore he'd fight him forall the _blunt_{4} he had about him, "which to be sure, " said he, "isbut a sweet pretty half-a-crown, and be d----d to you--good luckto it! Here goes, " throwing the half-crown upon the floor, which theprisoner attempted to pick up, but was prevented by Pat's stamping hisfoot upon it, while he was _doffing his jacket_, {5} exclaiming--

"Arrah, be after putting your dirty fingers in your pocket, and don'tspoil the King's picture by touching it--devil burn me, but I'll _millyour mug to muffin dust_{6} before I'll give up that beautiful lookingbit; so tip us your mauley, {7} and no more blarney. "

 1 Down upon the Kiddies--To understand the arts and manouvres of thieves and sharpers. 

 2 Boned--Taken or secured. 

 s Blue pigeon flying--The practice of stealing lead from houses, churches, or other buildings. A species of depredation very prevalent in London and its vicinity, and which is but too much encouraged by the readiness with which it can be disposed of to the plumbers in general. 

 4 Blunt--A flash term for money. 

 5 Doffing his Jacket--Taking off his jacket. 

 6 Mill your mug to muffin dust--The peculiarity of the Irish character for overstrained metaphor, may perhaps, in some degree, account for the Hibernian's idea of beating his head to flour, though he was afterwards inclined to commence his operations in the true style and character of the prize ring, where

 "Men shake hands before they box, Then give each other plaguy knocks, With all the love and kindness of a brother. "

 7 Tip us your mauley--Give me your hand. Honour is so sacred a thing with the Irish, that the rapid transition from a violent expression to the point of honour, is no uncommon thing amongst them; and in this instance it is quite clear that although he meant to mill the mug of his opponent to muffin dust, he had a notion of the thing, and intended to do it in an honourable way. 

~87~~During this conversation, the spectators, who were numerous, wereemployed in endeavouring to pacify the indignant Hibernian, who by thistime had buffid it, or, in other words, _peeled in prime twig_, {1} fora regular _turn to. _{2} All was noise and confusion, when a new groupof persons entered the room--another capture had been made, and anothercharge given. It was however with some difficulty that honest Pat Murphywas prevailed upon to remain a little quiet, while one of the officersbeckoned Dashall out of the room, and gave him to understand that theman in custody, just brought in, was a well-known _pal_{3} of the onefirst suspected, though they took not the least notice of each otherupon meeting. In the mean time, another officer in the room had beensearching the person of the last captured, from whose bosom he drew theidentical handkerchief of Bob; and the Irishman recollected seeing himin the crowd opposite the Opera House. 

This cleared up the mystery in some degree, though the two culpritsaffected a total ignorance of each other. The property of the personwho had given the last charge was also discovered, and it was deemedabsolutely necessary to take them before the Magistrate. But as somenew incidents will arise on their introduction to the office, we shallreserve them for the next Chapter. 

 1 Buff'd it, or peeled in prime twig--Stripped to the skin in good order. The expressions are well known, and frequently in use, among the sporting characters and lovers of the fancy. 

 2 Turn to, or set to--The commencement of a battle. 

 3 Pal--A partner or confederate. 

CHAPTER VIII

 Houses, churches, mixt together, Streets unpleasant in all weather; Prisons, palaces contiguous, Gates, a bridge--the Thames irriguous; Gaudy things, enough to tempt ye, Showy outsides, insides empty; Bubbles, trades, mechanic arts, Coaches, wheelbarrows, and carts; Warrants, bailiffs, bills unpaid, Lords of laundresses afraid; Rogues, that nightly rob and shoot men, Hangmen, aldermen, and footmen; Lawyers, poets, priests, physicians, Noble, simple, all conditions; Worth beneath a thread-bare cover, Villainy bedaubed all over; Women, black, red, fair, and grey, Prudes, and such as never pray; Handsome, ugly, noisy still, Some that will not, some that will; Many a beau without a shilling, Many a widow not unwilling; Many a bargain, if you strike it:-- This is London--How d'ye like it?

~88~~ON entering the Public Office, Bow-street, we must leave ourreaders to guess at the surprise and astonishment with which the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin beheld their lost friend, Charles Sparkle, who it appeared had been kindly accommodated with a lodging gratis ina neighbouring watch-house, not, as it may readily be supposed, exactlysuitable to his taste or inclination. Nor was wonder less excited in themind of Sparkle at this unexpected meeting, as unlooked for as itwas fortunate to all parties. There was however no opportunity at thepresent moment for an explanation, as the worthy Magistrate immediatelyproceeded to an investigation of the case just brought before him, uponwhich there was no difficulty in deciding. The charge was made, thehandkerchief sworn to, and the men, who ~89~~were well known as oldhands upon the town, committed for trial. The most remarkable feature inthe examination being the evidence of Pat Murphy, who by this timehad recollected that the man who was taken with the property about hisperson, was the very identical aggressor who had offended him while thehod of mortar was on his shoulder, before the conversation commencedbetween himself and Tom opposite the Opera-house. 

"Sure enough, your Honour, " said he, "its a true bill. I'm an Irishman, and I don't care who knows it--I don't fight under false colours, butlove the land of potatoes, and honour St. Patrick. That there man withthe _blue toggery_{1} tipp'd me a bit of blarney, what did not suit mystomach. I dropp'd my load, which he took for an order to quit, and so_mizzled_{2} out of my way, or by the big bull of Ballynafad, I'd havepowdered his wig with brick-dust, and bothered his bread-basket with alittle human kindness in the shape of an Irishman's fist; and then thatthere other dirty end of a shelalah, while the Jontleman--long life toyour Honour, (bowing to Tom Dashall)--was houlding a bit of conversationwith Pat Murphy, _grabb'd_{3} his pocket-handkerchief, and was aftershewing a leg, {4} when a little boy that kept his oglers upon 'em, letme into the secret, and let the cat out of the bag by bawling--Stopthief! He darted off like a cow at the sound of the bagpipes, and Iboulted a'ter him like a good'un; so when I came up to him, Down you go, says I, and down he was; and that's all I know about the matter. "

As the prisoners were being taken out of court, the Hibernian followedthem. "Arrah, " said he, "my lads, as I have procured you a lodging fornothing, here's the half-a-crown, what the good-looking Jontleman gaveme; it may sarve you in time of need, so take it along with you, perhapsyou may want it more than I do; and if you know the pleasure of spendingmoney that is honestly come by, it may teach you a lesson that may keepyou out of the clutches of Jock Ketch, and save

 1 Blue toggery--Toggery is a flash term for clothing in general, but is made use of to describe a blue coat. 

 2 Mizzled--Ran away. 

 3 Grabb'd--Took, or stole. 

 4 Shewing a leg--or, as it is sometimes called, giving leg- bail--making the best use of legs to escape detection. 

~90~~you from dying in a horse's night-cap{1}--there, be off wid you. "

The Hon. Tom Dashall, who had carefully watched the proceedings of Pat, could not help moralizing upon this last act of the Irishman, and theadvice which accompanied it. "Here, " said he to himself, "is agenuine display of national character. Here is the heat, the fire, theeffervescence, blended with the generosity and open-heartedness, so muchboasted of by the sons of Erin, and so much eulogized by travellers whohave visited the Emerald Isle. " And slipping a sovereign into his hand, after the execution of a bond to prosecute the offenders, each of themtaking an arm of Sparkle, they passed down Bow-street, conversing on theoccurrences in which they had been engaged, of which the extraordinaryappearance of Sparkle was the most prominent and interesting. 

"How in the name of wonder came you in such a scrape?" said Tom. 

"Innocently enough, I can assure you, " replied Sparkle--"with my usualluck--a bit of gig, a lark, and a turn up. {2}

 ". . . 'Twas waxing rather late, And reeling bucks the street began to scour, While guardian watchmen, with a tottering gait, Cried every thing quite clear, except the hour. "

 1 Horse's night-cap--A halter. 

 2 A bit of gig--a lark--a turn up--are terms made use of to signify a bit of fun of any kind, though the latter more generally means a fight. Among the bucks and bloods of the Metropolis, a bit of fun or a lark, as they term it, ending in a milling match, a night's lodging in the watch-house, and a composition with the Charleys in the morning, to avoid exposure before the Magistrate, is a proof of high spirit--a prime delight, and serves in many cases to stamp a man's character. Some, however, who have not courage enough to brave a street-row and its consequences, are fond of fun of other kinds, heedless of the consequences to others. "Go it, my boys, " says one of the latter description, "keep it up, huzza! I loves fun--for I made such a fool of my father last April day:--but what do you think I did now, eh?--Ha! ha! ha!--I will tell you what makes me laugh so: we were keeping it up in prime twig, faith, so about four o'clock in the morning 1 went down into the kitchen, and there was Dick the waiter snoring like a pig before a blazing fire--done up, for the fellow can't keep it up as we jolly boys do: So thinks 1, I'll have you, my boy--and what does I do, but I goes softly and takes the tongs, and gets a red hot coal as big as my head, and plumpt it upon the fellow's foot and run away, because I loves fun, you know: So it has lamed him, and that makes me laugh so--Ha! ha! ha!--it was what I call better than your _rappartees_ and your _bobinâtes_. I'll tell you more too: you must know I was in high tip-top spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man--for I do loves fun: so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that made me laugh heartily: So says I to the blind man--Hallo, Master, what a you a'ter, what is you up to? does you want your dog?--Yes, Sir, says he. Now only you mark what I said to the blind man--Then go and look for him, old chap, says I--Ha! ha! ha!--that's your sort, my boy, keep it up, keep it up, d---- me. That's the worst of it, I always turn sick when I think of a Parson--I always do; and my brother he is a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear: so you know I always swear like a trooper when I am near him, on purpose to roast him. I went to dine with him one day last week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more of what you call your modest women; but I sent 'em all from the table, and then laugh'd at 'em, for I loves fun, and that was fun alive 0. And so there was nobody in the room but my brother and me, and I begun to swear most sweetly: I never swore so well in all my life--I swore all my new oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear; till at last my brother looked frightened, and d---- me that was good fun. At last, he lifted up his hands and eyes to Heaven, and calls out _O tempora, O mores!_ But I was not to be done so. Oh! oh! Brother, says I, what you think to frighten me by calling all your family about you; but I don't care for you, nor your family neither--so stow it-- I'll mill the whole troop--Only bring your Tempora and Mores here, that's all--let us have fair play, I'll tip 'em the Gas in a flash of lightning--I'll box 'em for five pounds, d---- me: here, where's Tempora and Mores, where are they? My eyes, how he did stare when he see me ready for a set to-- I never laugh'd so in my life--he made but two steps out of the room, and left me master of the field. What d'ye think of that for a lark, eh?--Keep it up--keep it up, d---- me, says I--so I sets down to the table, drank as much as I could--then I mix'd the heel-taps all in one bottle, and broke all the empty ones--then bid adieu to Tempora and Mores, and rolled home in a hackney-coach in prime and plummy order, d---- me. "

"Coming along Piccadilly last night after leaving you, I was overtakenat the corner of Rupert-street by our old college-companion HarryHartwell, pursuing his way to the Hummums, where it seems he has takenup his abode. Harry, you remember, never was exactly one of us; hestudies too much, and pores everlastingly over musty old volumes ofLaw Cases, Blackstone's Commentaries, and other black books, to qualifyhimself for the black art, and as fit and proper person to appear atthe Bar. The length of time that had elapsed since our last meeting wassufficient inducement for us to crack a bottle together; ~92~~so takinghis arm, we proceeded to the place of destination, where we sat talkingover past times, and indulging our humour till half-past one o'clock, when I sallied forth on my return to Long's, having altogether abandonedmy original intention of calling in Golden-square. At the corner ofLeicester-square, my ears were assailed with a little of the nightmusic--the rattles were in full chorus, and the Charleys, in primetwig, {1} were mustering from all quarters. 

[Illustration: page92 Tom and Bob Catching a Charley Napping]

"The street was all alive, and I made my way through the crowd to theimmediate scene of action, which was rendered peculiarly interesting bythe discovery of a dainty bit of female beauty shewing fight with halfa dozen watchmen, in order to extricate herself from the grasp of theseguardians of our peace. She was evidently under the influence ofthe Bacchanalian god, which invigorated her arm, without impartingdiscretion to her head, and she laid about her with such dexterity, thatthe old files{2} were fearful of losing their prey; but the odds werefearfully against her, and never did I feel my indignation more aroused, than when I beheld a sturdy ruffian aim a desperate blow at her headwith his rattle, which in all probability, had it taken the intendedeffect, would have sent her in search of that peace in the other world, of which she was experiencing so little in this. It was not possiblefor me to stand by, an idle spectator of the destruction of a femalewho appeared to have no defender, whatever might be the nature of theoffence alleged or committed. I therefore warded off the blow with myleft arm, and with my right gave him a well-planted blow on the conk, {3}which sent him piping into the kennel. In a moment I was surrounded andcharged with a violent assault upon the charley, {4} and interfering withthe guardians of the night in the execution of their duty. A completediversion took place from the original object of their fury, and in thebustle to secure me, the unfortunate girl made her escape, where to, orhow, heaven

 1 Prime twig--Any thing accomplished in good order, or with dexterity: a person well dressed, or in high spirits, is considered to be in prime twig. 

 2 Old Jiles--A person who has had a long course of experience in the arts of fraud, so as to become an adept in the manouvres of the town, is termed a deep file--a rum file, or an old file. 

 3 Conk--The nose. 

 4 Charley--A watchman. 

~93~~only knows. Upon finding this, I made no resistance, but marchedboldly along with the scouts{1} to St. Martin's watch-house, where wearrived just as a hackney coach drew up to the door. 

"Take her in, d----n her eyes, she shall _stump up the rubbish_{2}before I leave her, or give me the address of her _flash covey_, {3}and so here goes. " By this time we had entered the watch-house, whereI perceived the awful representative of justice seated in an arm chair, with a good blazing fire, smoking his pipe in consequential ease. A crowd of Charleys, with broken lanterns, broken heads, and othersymptoms of a row, together with several casual spectators, had gainedadmittance, when Jarvis entered, declaring--By G----he wouldn't bechoused by any wh----re or cull in Christendom, and he would make 'emcome down pretty handsomely, or he'd know the reason why: "And so pleaseyour Worship, Sir"--then turning round, "hallo, " said he, "Sam, what'sbecom'd of that there voman--eh--vhat, you've been playing booty eh, andlet her escape. " The man to whom this was intended to be addressed didnot appear to be present, as no reply was made. However, the case wasbriefly explained. 

"But, by G----, I von't put any thing in Sam's vay again, " criedJarvey. {4} For my own part, as I knew nothing of the occurrencesadverted to, I was as much in the dark as if I had gone home withoutinterruption. The representations of the Charleys proved decisiveagainst me--in vain I urged the cause of humanity, and the necessityI felt of protecting a defenceless female from the violence ofaccumulating numbers, and that I had done no more than every man oughtto have done upon such an occasion. _Old puff and swill_, the lordof the night, declared that I must have acted with maliceafore-thought--that I was a pal in the concern, and that I had beeninstrumental in the design of effecting a rescue; and, after a veryshort deliberation, he concluded that I must be a notorious rascal, anddesired me to make up my mind to remain with him for the remainder ofthe night. Not relishing this, I proposed to send for bail, assuring himof my

 1 Scouts--Watchmen. 

 3 Stump up the rubbish--Meaning she (or he) shall pay, or find money. 

 3 Flash covey--A fancy man, partner or protector

 4 Jarvey--A coachman. 

~94~~attendance in the morning; but was informed it could not beaccepted of, as it was clearly made out against me that I had committeda violent breach of the peace, and nothing at that time could beproduced that would prove satisfactory. Under these circumstances, andpartly induced by a desire to avoid being troublesome in other quarters, I submitted to a restraint which it appeared I could not very wellavoid, and, taking my seat in an arm-chair by the fire-side, I soon fellfast asleep, from which I was only aroused by the occasional entrancesand exits of the guardians, until between four and five o'clock, whena sort of general muster of the Charleys took place, and each onedepositing his nightly paraphernalia, proceeded to his own habitation. Finding the liberation of others from their duties would not have theeffect of emancipating me from my confinement, which was likely tobe prolonged to eleven, or perhaps twelve o'clock, I began to feelmy situation as a truly uncomfortable one, when I was informed by thewatch-house keeper, who resides upon the spot, that he was going to_turn in_, {1} that there was fire enough to last till his wife turn'dout, which would be about six o'clock, and, as I had the appearance of agentleman, if there was any thing I wanted, she would endeavour to makeherself useful in obtaining it. "But Lord, " said he, "there is no suchthing as believing any body now-a-days--there was such sets out, andsuch manouvering, that nobody knew nothing of nobody. "

"I am obliged to you, my friend, " said I, "for this piece ofinformation, and in order that you may understand something of theperson you are speaking to beyond the mere exterior view, here ishalf-a-crown for your communication. "

"Why, Sir, " said he, laying on at the same moment a shovel of coals, "this here makes out what I said--Don't you see, said I, that 'areGentleman is a gentleman every inch of him, says I--as don't wantnothing at all no more nor what is right, and if so be as how he's gothimself in a bit of a hobble, I knows very well as how he's gotthe tip{2} in his pocket, and does'nt want for spirit to pull itout--Perhaps you might like some breakfast, sir?"

 1 Turn in--Going to bed. This is a term most in use among seafaring men. 

 2 Tip is synonymous with blunt, and means money. 

~95~~"Why yes, " said I--for I began to feel a little inclined that way. 

"O my wife, Sir, " said he, "will do all you want, when she rousesherself. "

"I suppose, " continued I, "you frequently have occasion to accommodatepersons in similar situations?"

"Lord bless you! yes, sir, and a strange set of rum customers we havetoo sometimes--why it was but a few nights ago we had 'em stowed hereas thick as three in a bed. We had 'em all upon the _hop_{1}--you neversee'd such fun in all your life, and this here place was as full ofcuriosities as Pidcock's at Exeter Change, or Bartlemy-fair--Show 'em uphere, all alive alive O!"

"Indeed!" said I, feeling a little inquisitive on the subject; "and howdid this happen?"

"Why it was a _rummish_ piece of business altogether. There was a largeparty of dancing fashionables all met together for a little jig in St. Martin's lane, and a very pretty medley there was of them. The fiddlerswagg'd their elbows, and the lads and lasses their trotters, till aboutone o'clock, when, just as they were in the midst of a quadrille, inburst the officers, and quickly changed the tune. The appearance ofthese gentlemen had an instantaneous effect upon all parties present:the cause of their visit was explained, and the whole squad taken intocustody, to give an account of themselves, and was brought here inhackney-coaches. The delicate Miss and her assiduous partner, who, ashort time before had been all spirits and animation, were now sunk ingloomy reflections upon the awkwardness of their situation; and many ofour inhabitants would have fainted when they were informed they wouldhave to appear before the Magistrate in the morning, but for thewell-timed introduction of a little drap of the _cratur_, which an Irishlady ax'd me to fetch for her. But the best of the fun was, that in thegroup we had a Lord and a Parson! For the dignity of the one, and thehonour of the other, they were admitted to bail--Lord have mercy uponus! said the Parson--Amen, said the Lord; and this had the desiredeffect upon the Constable of the night, for he let them off on the sly, you understand: But my eyes what work there was in the morning! sixteenJarveys, full of live lumber, 1 Hop--A dance. 

~96~~were taken to Bow-street, in a nice pickle you may be sure, dancing-pumps and silk-stockings, after setting in the watch-house allnight, and surrounded by lots of people that hooted and howled, as theprocession passed along, in good style. They were safely landed at theBrown Bear, from which they were handed over in groups to be examinedby the Magistrate, when the men were discharged upon giving satisfactoryaccounts, and the women after some questions being put to them. You seeall this took place because they were dancing in an unlicensed room. Itwas altogether a laughable set-out as ever you see'd--the Dandys andthe Dandyzettes--the Exquisites--the Shopmen--the Ladies' maid and thePrentice Boys--my Lord and his Reverence--mingled up higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw, with Bow-street Officers, Runners andWatchmen--Ladies squalling and fainting, Men swearing and almostfighting. It would have been a pleasure to have kick'd up a row thatnight, a purpose to get admission--you would have been highly amused, I'll assure you--good morning, Sir. " And thus saying, he turned the lockupon me, and left me to my meditations. In about a couple of hoursthe old woman made her appearance, and prepared me some coffee; and ateleven o'clock came the Constable of the night, to accompany me beforethe Magistrate. 

"Aware that the circumstances were rather against me, and that I had noright to interfere in other persons' business or quarrels, I consultedhim upon the best mode of making up the matter; for although I hadreally done no more than becomes a man in protecting a female, I hadcertainly infringed upon the law, in effecting the escape of a person incustody, and consequently was liable to the penalty or penalties in suchcases made and provided. On our arrival at the Brown Bear, I was metby a genteel-looking man, who delivered me a letter, and immediatelydisappeared. Upon breaking the seal, I found its contents as follows:

Dear Sir, Although unknown to me, I have learned enough of yourcharacter to pronounce you a trump, a prime cock, and nothing but a goodone. I am detained by John Doe and Richard Roe with their d----d _fierifacias_, or I should be with you. However, I trust you will excuse theliberty I take in requesting you will make use of the enclosed for thepurpose of shaking yourself out of the ~97~~hands of the scouts andtheir pals. We shall have some opportunities of meeting, when I willexplain: in the mean time, believe me I am

Your's truly, Tom. 

"With this advice, so consonant with my own opinion, I immediatelycomplied; and having satisfied the broken-headed Charley, and paid allexpences incurred, I was induced to walk into the office merely to givea look around me, when by a lucky chance I saw you enter. And thus youhave a full, true, and particular account of the peregrinations of yourhumble servant. "

Listening with close attention to this narrative of Sparkle's, all othersubjects had escaped observation, till they found themselves in theStrand. 

"Whither are we bound?" inquired Sparkle. 

"On a voyage of discoveries, " replied Dashall, "and we just wanted youto act as pilot. "

"What place is this?" inquired Bob. 

"That, " continued Sparkle, "is Somerset-house. It is a fine oldbuilding; it stands on the banks of the Thames, raised on piers andarches, and is now appropriated to various public offices, and housesbelonging to the various offices of the Government. "

"The terrace, which lies on the river, is very fine, and may be wellviewed from Waterloo Bridge. The front in the Strand, you perceive, has a noble aspect, being composed of a rustic basement, supporting aCorinthian order of columns crowned with an attic in the centre, and atthe extremities with a balustrade. The south front, which looks into thecourt, is very elegant in its composition. 

"The basement consists of nine large arches; and three in the centreopen, forming the principal entrance; and three at each end, filled withwindows of the Doric order, are adorned with pilasters, entablatures, and pediments. On the key-stones of the nine arches are carved, in altorelievo, nine colossal masks, representing the Ocean, and the eight mainRivers of England, viz. _Thames, Humber, Mersey, Dee, Medway, Tweed, Tyne, and Severn_, with appropriate emblems to denote their variouscharacters. 

"Over the basement the Corinthian order consists of ten columns uponpedestals, having their regular entablature. It comprehends twofloors, and the attic in the centre of the front extends over threeintercolomniations, and is divided into three parts by four colossalstatues placed on ~98~~the columns of the order. It terminates with agroup consisting of the arms of the British empire, supported on oneside by the Genius of England, and by Fame, sounding the trumpet, on theother. These three open arches in the front form the principal entranceto the whole of the structure, and lead to an elegant vestibuledecorated with Doric columns. 

"The terrace, which fronts the Thames, is spacious, and commands abeautiful view of part of the river, including Blackfriars, Waterloo, and Westminster Bridges. It is reared on a grand rustic basement, having thirty-two spacious arches. The arcade thus formed is judiciouslyrelieved by projections ornamented with rusticated columns, and theeffect of the whole of the terrace from the water is truly grand andnoble. There is however, at present, no admission for the public toit; but, in all probability, it will be open to all when the edifice iscompleted, which would form one of the finest promenades in the world, and prove to be one of the first luxuries of the metropolis. 

"That statue in the centre is a representation of our late King, Georgethe Third, with the Thames at his feet, pouring wealth and plenty froma large Cornucopia. It is executed by Bacon, and has his characteristiccast of expression. It is in a most ludicrous situation, being placedbehind, and on the brink of a deep area. 

"In the vestibule are the rooms of the Royal Society, the Society ofAntiquarians, and the Royal Academy of Arts, all in a very grand andbeautiful style. Over the door of the Royal Academy is a bust of MichaelAngelo; and over the door leading to the Royal Society and Society ofAntiquarians, you will find the bust of Sir Isaac Newton. 

"The Government-offices, to which this building is devoted, are objectsof great astonishment to strangers, being at once commodious andelegant, and worthy the wealth of the nation to which they belong. Thehall of the Navy office is a fine room with two fronts, one facing theterrace and river, and the other facing the court. On the right is theStamp-office: it consists of a multitude of apartments: the room inwhich the stamping is executed is very interesting to the curious. Onthe left you see the Pay-office of the Navy. 

"The principal thing to attract notice in this edifice is 99~~thesolidity and completeness of the workmanship in the masonry, and indeedin every other part. "

After taking a rather prolonged view of this elegant edifice, they againsallied forth into the Strand, mingling with all the noise and bustleof a crowded street, where by turns were to be discovered, justling eachother, parsons, lawyers, apothecaries, projectors, excisemen, organists, picture-sellers, bear and monkey-leaders, fiddlers and bailiffs. Thebarber and the chimney-sweeper were however always observed to becareful in avoiding the touch of each other, as if contamination must bethe inevitable consequence. 

"My dear fellow!" exclaimed a tall and well-dressed person, who draggedthe Honourable Tom Dashall on one side--"you are the very person Iwanted--I'm very glad to see you in town again--but I have not a momentto spare--the blood-hounds are in pursuit--this term will be endedin two days, then comes the long vacation--liberty without hiringa horse--you understand--was devilishly afraid of being nabb'd justnow--should have been dished if I had--lend me five shillings--come, make haste. "

"Five shillings, Diddler, when am I to be paid? you remember--' When Igrow rich' was the reply. "

"Know--yes, I know all about it--but no matter, I'm not going to settleaccounts just now, so don't detain me, I hate Debtor and Creditor. Fine sport to-morrow, eh--shall be at the Ring--in cog. --take nonotice--disguised as a Quaker--Obadiah Lankloaks--d----d large beaverhat, and hide my physog. --Lend me what silver you have, and be quickabout it, for I can't stay--thank you, you're a d----a good fellow, Tom, a trump--shall now pop into a hack, and drive into anothercounty--thank ye--good day--by by. "

During this harangue, while Tost was counting his silver, the ingeniousMr. Diddler seized all he had, and whipping it speedily into his pocket, in a few minutes was out of his sight. 

Sparkle observing Dashall looking earnestly after Diddler, approached, and giving him a lusty slap on the shoulder--"Ha! ha! ha!" exclaimed he, "what are you done again?"

"I suppose so, " said Dashall; "confound the fellow, he is alwaysborrowing: I never met him in my life but ~100~~he had some immediatenecessity or other to require a loan of a little temporary supply, as hecalls it. "

"I wonder, " said Sparkle, "that you are so ready to lend, after suchfrequent experience--how much does he owe you?"

"Heaven only knows, " continued Tom, "for I do not keep account againsthim, I must even trust to his honour--so it is useless to stand herelosing our time--Come, let us forward. "

"With all my heart, ", said Sparkle, "and with permission I propose avisit to the Bonassus, a peep at St. Paul's, and a chop at Dolly's. "

This proposition being highly approved of, they continued theirwalk along the Strand, towards Temple Bar, and in a few minutes wereattracted by the appearance of men dressed in the garb of the Yeomen ofthe Guards, who appeared active in the distribution of hand-bills, andsurrounded a house on the front of which appeared a long string of highand distinguished names, as patrons and patronesses of the celebratedanimal called the Bonassus. Crossing the road in their approach tothe door, Tallyho could not help admiring the simple elegance of ashop-front belonging to a grocer, whose name is Peck. 

"Very handsome and tasty, indeed, " replied Sparkle; "that combination ofmarble and brass has a light and elegant effect: it has no appearance ofbeing laboured at. The inhabitant of the house I believe is a foreigner, I think an Italian; but London boasts of some of the most elegant shopsin the world. " And by this time they entered the opposite house. 

CHAPTER IX

 "In London my life is a ring of delight, In frolics I keep up the day and the night; I snooze at the Hummums till twelve, perhaps later, I rattle the bell, and I roar up the Waiter; 'Your Honour, ' says he, and he makes me a leg; He brings me my tea, but I swallow an egg; For tea in a morning's a slop I renounce, So I down with a glass of good right cherry-bounce. With--swearing, tearing--ranting, jaunting--slashing, smashing--smacking, cracking--rumbling, tumbling --laughing, quaffing--smoking, joking--swaggering, Staggering: So thoughtless, so knowing, so green and so mellow, This, this is the life of a frolicsome fellow. "

~101~~UPON entering the house, and depositing their shilling each toview this newly discovered animal from the Apalachian mountains ofAmerica, and being supplied with immense long bills descriptive of hisform and powers--"Come along (said Sparkle, ) let us have a look at themost wonderful production of nature--only seventeen months old, fivefeet ten inches high, and one of the most fashionable fellows in themetropolis. "

"It should seem so, " said Tallyho, "by the long list of friends andvisitors that are detailed in the commencement of the bill of fare. "

"Perhaps, " said Tom, "there are more Bon asses than one. "

"Very likely (continued Sparkle;) but let me tell you the allusion inthis case does not apply, for this animal has nothing of the donkeyabout him, and makes no noise, as you will infer from the followinglines in the Bill:

 "As the Bonassus does not roar, His fame is widely known, For no dumb animal before Has made such noise in town. "

~102~~At this moment the barking of a dog assailed their ears, andsuspended the conversation. Passing onward to the den of the Bonassus, they found a dark-featured gentleman of middling stature, with his hair, whiskers, and ears, so bewhitened with powder as to form a completecontrast with his complexion and a black silk handkerchief which he woreround his neck, holding a large brown-coloured dog by the collar, inorder to prevent annoyance to the visitors. 

"D----n the dog, (exclaimed he) although he is the best temperedcreature in the world, he don't seem to like the appearance of theBonassus "--and espying Sparkle, "Ha, my dear fellow! how are you?--Ihave not seen you for a long while. "

"Why, Sir D--n--ll, I am happy to say I never was better in mylife--allow me to introduce you to my two friends, the Hon. Mr. Dashall, and Robert Tallyho--Sir D--n--ll Harlequin. "

The mutual accompaniments of such an introduction having passed amongthem, the Knight, who was upon the moment of departure as they entered, expressed his approbation of the animal he had been viewing, and, lugging his puppy by one hand, and his cudgel in the other, wished thema good morning. 

"There is an eccentric man of Title, " continued Sparkle. 

"I should judge, " said Bob, "there was a considerable portion ofeccentricity about him, by his appearance. Is he a Baronet?"

"A Baronet, " (replied Sparkle) "no, no, he is no other than a _QuackDoctor_. "{1}

 1 Of all the subjects that afford opportunities for the satiric pen in the Metropolis, perhaps there is none more abundant or prolific than that of Quackery. Dr. Johnson observes, that "_cheats can seldom stand long against laughter_. " But if a judgment is really to be formed from existing facts, it may be supposed that times are so materially changed since the residence of that able writer in this sublunary sphere, that the reverse of the position may with greater propriety be asserted. For such is the prevailing practice of the present day, that, according to the opinion of thousands, there is nothing to be done without a vast deal more of profession and pretence than actual power, and he who is the best able to bear laughing at, is the most likely to realize the hopes he entertains of obtaining celebrity, and of having his labours crowned with success. Nothing can be more evident than this in the Medical profession, though there are successful Quacks of all kinds, and in all situations, to be found in London. This may truly be called the age of Quackery, from the abundance of impostors of every kind that prey upon society; and such as cannot or will not think for themselves, ought to be guarded in a publication of this nature, against the fraudulent acts of those persons who make it their business and profit to deteriorate the health, morals, and amusements of the public. But, in the present instance, we are speaking of the Medical Quack only, than which perhaps there is none more remarkable. 

 The race of Bossys, Brodrums, Solomons, Perkins, Chamants, &c. Is filled by others of equal notoriety, and no doubt of equal utility. The Cerfs, the Curries, the Lamerts, the Ruspinis, the Coopers, and Munroes, are all equally entitled to public approbation, particularly if we may credit the letters from the various persons who authenticate the miraculous cures they have performed in the most inveterate, we hail almost said, the most impossible, cases. If those persons are really in existence (and who can doubt it?) they certainly have occasion to be thankful for their escapes, and we congratulate them; for in our estimation Quack Doctors seem to consider the human frame merely as a subject for experiments, which if successful will secure the reputation of the practitioner. The acquisition of fame and fortune is, in the estimation of these philosophers, cheaply purchased by sacrificing the lives of a few of the vulgar, to whom they prescribe gratis; and the slavish obedience of some patients to the Doctor, is really astonishing. It is said that a convalescent at Bath wrote to his Physician in London, to know whether he might eat sauce with his pork; but we have not been able to discover whether he expected an answer gratis; that would perhaps have been an experiment not altogether grateful to the Doctor's feelings. 

 The practice of advertising and billing the town has become so common, that a man scarcely opens a coal-shed, or a potatoe-stall, without giving due notice of it in the newspapers, and distributing hand-bills: and frequently with great success. But our Doctors, who make no show of their commodities, have no mode of making themselves known without it. Hence the quantity of bills thrust into the hand of the passenger through the streets of London, which divulge the almost incredible performances of their publishers. A high- sounding name, such as The Chevalier de diamant, the Chevalier de Ruspini, or The Medical Board, well bored behind and before, are perhaps more necessary, with a few paper puffs--as "palpable hits, my Lord, " than either skill or practice, to obtain notice and secure fame. 

 The Chevalier de Chamant, who was originally a box-maker, and a man of genius, considering box-making a plebeian occupation, was for deducing a logical position, not exactly perhaps by fair argument, but at all events through the teeth, and was determined, although he could not, like Dr. Pangloss, mend the cacology of his friends, at least to give them an opportunity for plenty of jaw-work. With this laudable object in view, he obtained a patent for making artificial teeth of mineral paste; and in his advertisements condescended not to prove their utility as substitutes for the real teeth, when decayed or wanting, (this was beneath his notice, and would have been a piece of mere plebeian Quackery unworthy of his great genius, ) but absolutely assured the world that his mineral teeth were infinitely superior to any production of nature, both for mastication and beauty! How this was relished we know not; but he declared (and he certainly ought to know) that none but silly and timid persons would hesitate for one moment to have their teeth drawn, and substitute his minerals: and it is wonderful to relate, that although his charges were enormous, and the operation (as may be supposed) not the most pleasant, yet people could not resist the ingenious Chevalier's fascinating and drawing puffs; in consequence of which he soon became possessed of a large surplus of capital, with which he determined to speculate in the Funds. 

 For this purpose he employed old Tom Bish, the Stockbroker, to purchase stock for the amount; but owing to a sudden fluctuation in the market, a considerable depreciation took place between the time of purchase and that of payment; a circumstance which made the Chevalier grin and show his teeth: Determining however, not to become a victim to the fangs of Bulls and Bears, but rather to dive like a duck, he declared the bargain was not legal, and that he would not be bound by it. Bish upon this occasion proved a hard-mouthed customer to the man of teeth, and was not a quiet subject to be drawn, but brought an action against the mineral monger, and recovered the debt. Tom's counsel, in stating the case, observed, that the Defendant would find the law could bite sharper aud hold tighter than any teeth he could make; and so it turned out. 

 The Chevalier de R--sp--ni is another character who has cut no small figure in this line, but has recently made his appearance in the Gazette, not exactly on so happy an occasion as such a circumstance would be to his brother chip, Dr. D--n--ll, now (we suppose) Sir Francis--though perhaps equally entitled to the honour of knighthood. The Chevalier has for some years looked Royalty in the face by residing opposite Carlton House, and taken every precaution to let the public know that such an important public character was there to be found, by displaying his name as conspicuously as possible on brass plates, &c. So that the visitors to Carlton House could hardly fail to notice him as the second greatest Character of that great neighbourhood. But what could induce so great a man to sport his figure in the Gazette, is as unaccountable as the means by which he obtained such happy celebrity. Had it occurred immediately after the war, it might have been concluded without much stretch of imagination, that the Chevalier, who prides himself on his intimacy with all the great men of the day, had, through the friendship of the Duke of Wellington, made a contract for the teeth and jaw-bones of all who fell at the battle of Waterloo, and that by bringing to market so great a stock at one time, the article had fallen in value, and left the speculating Chevalier so great a loser as to cause his bankruptcy. Whether such is the real cause or not, it is difficult to ascertain what could induce the Chevalier to descend from his dealings with the head to dabble with lower commodities. 

 Among other modes of obtaining notoriety, usually resorted to by Empirics, the Chevalier used to job a very genteel carriage and pair, but his management was so excellent, that the expenses of his equipage were very trifling; for as it was not intended to run, but merely to stand at the door like a barker at a broker's shop, or a direction-post, he had the loan on very moderate terms, the job-master taking into account that the wind of the cattle was not likely to be injured, or the wheels rattled to pieces by velocity, or smashed by any violent concussion. 

 The Chevalier had a Son, who unfortunately was not endowed by nature with so much ambition or information as his father; for, frequently when the carriage has been standing at the door, he has been seen drinking gin most cordially with Coachee, without once thinking of the evils of example, or recollecting that he was one of the family. Papa used to be very angry on these occasions, because, as he said, it was letting people know that Coachee was only hired as &job, and not as a family domestic. 

 For the great benefit and advantage of the community, Medical Boards have recently been announced in various parts of the Metropolis, where, according to the assertions of the Principals, in their advertisements, every disease incident to human nature is treated by men of skilful practice; and among these truly useful establishments, those of Drs. Cooper, Munro, and Co. Of Charlotte house, Blackfriars, and Woodstock-house, Oxford-road, are not the least conspicuous. Who these worthies are, it is perhaps difficult to ascertain. One thing however is certain, that Sir F----s C----e D--n--ll, M. D. Is announced as Treasurer, therefore there can be no doubt but that all is fair above board, for

 "Brutus is an honourable man, So are they all--all honourable men. "

 And where so much skill derived from experience is exercised, it cannot be doubted but great and important benefits may result to a liberal and enlightened people. Of the establishment itself we are informed by a friend, that having occasion to call on the Treasurer, upon some business, the door was opened by a copper-coloured servant, a good-looking young Indian--not a fuscus Hydaspes, but a serving man of good appearance, who ushered him up stairs, and introduced him to the front room on the first floor, where all was quackery, bronze and brass, an electrical machine, images, pictures and diplomas framed and glazed, and a table covered with books and papers. In a short time, a person of very imposing appearance entered the room, with his hair profusely powdered, and his person, from his chin to his toes, enveloped in a sort of plaid roquelaure, who, apologizing for the absence of the Doctor, began to assure him of his being in the entire confidence of the Board, and in all probability would have proceeded to the operation of feeling the pulse in a very short time, had not the visitor discovered in the features of this disciple of Esculapius a person he had known in former times. 'Why, good God!' cried he, 'is that you?--What have you done with the Magic- lantern, and the Lecture on Heads?--am I right, or am I in fairy-land?' calling him by his name. It was in vain to hesitate, it was impossible to escape, the discovery was complete. It was plain however that the dealer in magical delusions had not altogether given up the art of legerdemain, which, perhaps, he finds the most profitable of the two. 

 Of the worthy Knight himself, (and perhaps the Coopers and Munros have been consumed by the electrical fluid of their own Board) much might be said. He is the inventor of a life- preserver, with which it may be fairly presumed he has effected valuable services to his country by the preservation of Royalty, as a proof of deserving the honour he has obtained. He is patriotic and independent, masonic and benevolent, a great admirer of fancy horses and fancy ladies, a curer of incurables, and has recently published one of the most extraordinary Memoirs that has ever been laid before the public, embellished with two portraits: which of the two is most interesting must be left to the discrimination of those who view them. It must however be acknowledged, that after reading the following extract, ingratitude is not yet eradicated from our nature, since, notwithstanding he has obtained the dignified appellation of Sir Francis, the Gazette says, that "in future no improper person shall be admitted to the honour of knighthood, in consequence of two surreptitious presentations lately"--the one an M. D. The other F. R. C. Surgeons, particularly if it were possible that this Gentleman may be one of the persons alluded to. For, what says the Memoir?

 "The utility of Sir Francis's invention being thus fully established, and its ingenuity universally admired, it excited the interest of the first characters among the nobility, and an introduction to Court was repeatedly offered to Sir Francis on this account. After a previous communication with one of the Royal Family, and also with the Secretary of State, on the 14th June last, he had the honour of being presented to His Majesty, who, justly appreciating the merit of the discovery, was pleased to confer upon him the honour of knighthood. 

 "Thus it is pleasing, in the distribution of honours by the hand of the Sovereign, to mark where they are conferred on real merit. This is the true intention of their origin; but it has been too often departed from, and they have been given where no other title existed than being the friend of those who had influence to gain the Royal ear. From the above statement, it will be seen this honour was conferred on Sir Francis by his Majesty for an invention, which has saved since its discovery the lives of many hundreds, and which may be considered as having given the original idea to the similar inventions that have been attempted since that time. Its utility and importance we have also seen acknowledged and rewarded by the two leading Societies in this country, and perhaps in Europe, viz. The Royal Humane, and the Society of Arts. The Sovereign therefore was only recognizing merit which had been previously established; and the honour of knighthood, to the credit of the individual, was conferred by his Majesty in the most liberal and handsome manner, without any other influence being used by Sir Francis than simply preferring the claim. "

 Thus the subject of Knighthood is to be nursed; and as the Doctor and the Nurse are generally to be recognized together, no one can read this part of the Memoir without exclaiming--Well done, Nussey. But why not Gazetted, after this liberal and hand-some manner of being rewarded? or why an allusion to two surreptitious presentations, the names of which two persons, so pointedly omitted, cannot well be misunderstood? This is but doing things by halves, though no such an observation can be applied to the proceedings of Charlotte-house, where Cooper, Munro, and Co. (being well explained) means two or three persons, viz. A black, a white man, and a mahogany-coloured Knight--a barber by trade, and a skinner by company--a dealer in mercurials--a puff by practice and an advertiser well versed in all the arts of his prototype--a practitioner in panygyric--the puff direct-- the puff preliminary--the puff collateral--the puff collusive--and the puff oblique, or puff by implication. Whether this will apply to Sir Charles Althis or not, is perhaps not so easy to ascertain; but as birds of a feather like to flock together, so these medical Knights in misfortune deserve to be noticed in the same column, although the one is said to be a Shaver, and the other a Quaker. It seems they have both been moved by the same spirit, and both follow (a good way off) the profession of medicine. 

 Among the various improvements of these improving times, for we are still improving, notwithstanding complaint, a learned little Devil, inflated with gas, has suggested a plan for the establishment of a Medical Assurance-office, where person and property might be insured at so much per annum, and the advantages to be derived from such an Institution would be, that instead of the insurance increasing with years, it would grow less and less. How many thousand grateful patients would it relieve annually! but we fear it would be a daily source of sorrow to these knightly medicals, and would by them be considered a devilish hard case. 

But hush, here is other company, and I will give you an account of himas we go along. "

They now attended the Keeper, who explained the age, height, weight, species, size, power, and propensities of the animal, and then departedon their road towards Temple Bar, --on passing through which, they wereovertaken again by Sir Francis, in a gig drawn by a dun-colouredhorse, with his puppy between his legs, and a servant by his side, andimmediately renewed the previous conversation. 

"There he goes again, " said Sparkle, "and a rare fellow he is too. "

"I should think so, " said Bob; "he must have quacked to some goodpurpose, to obtain the honour of knighthood. "

~108~~"Not positively that, " continued Sparkle; "for to obtain and todeserve are not synonymous, and, if report say true, there is not muchhonour attached to his obtaining it. 

"----In the modesty of fearful duty, I read as much as from the rattling tongue Of saucy and audacious eloquence: Love, therefore, and tongue-tied simplicity, At least speak most to my capacity. "

And, according to my humble conception, he who talks much about himself, or pays others to talk or write about him, is generally most likely tobe least deserving of public patronage; for if a man possesses real andevident abilities in any line of profession, the public will not belong in making a discovery of its existence, and the bounty, as is mostusually the case, would quickly follow upon the heels of approbation. But many a meritorious man in the Metropolis is pining away hismiserable existence, too proud to beg, and too honest to steal, whileothers, with scarcely more brains than a sparrow, by persevering ina determination to leave no stone unturned to make themselves appearridiculous, as a first step to popularity; and having once excitedattention, even though it is merely to be laughed at by the thinkingpart of mankind, he finds it no great difficulty to draw the money outof their pockets while their eyes are riveted on a contemplation of hisperson or conduct. And there are not wanting instances of effronterythat have elevated men of little or no capacity to dignified situations. If report say true, the present Secretary of the Admiralty, who isadmirable for his poetry also, was originally a hair-dresser, residingsomewhere in Blackfriar's or Westminster-road; but then you mustrecollect he was a man who knew it was useless to lose a singleopportunity; and probably such has been the case with Sir DanielHarlequin, who, from keeping a small shop in Wapping, making a blazeupon the water about his Life-preserver, marrying a wife with a redface and a full pocket, retired to a small cottage at Mile End, andafterwards establishing a Medical Board, has got himself dubbed aKnight. To be sure he has had a deal of puffing and blowing work to getthrough in his progress, which probably accounts for his black looks, not a little increased by the quantity of powder he wears. But what havewe here?" finding the bustle of the streets considerably increased afterpassing Temple Bar. 

"Some political Bookseller or other, in all probability, " saidTom--"I'll step forward and see. " And in passing through the numerousbody of persons that crowded on every side, the whole party wasseparated. Bob, who had hung a little back while his two friends rushedforward, was lingering near the corner of the Temple: he was beckoned bya man across the way, to whom he immediately went. 

"Do you happen to want a piece of fine India silk handkerchiefs, Sir?I have some in my pocket that I can recommend and sell cheap--for moneymust be had; but only keep it to yourself, because they are smuggledgoods, of the best quality and richest pattern. " During this openingspeech, he was endeavouring to draw Tallyho under the archway ofBell-yard, when Sparkle espying him, ran across to him, and taking himby the arm--"Come along (said he;) and if you don't take yourself offinstantly, I'll put you in custody, " shaking his stick at the other. 

All this was like Hebrew to Bob, who, for his part, really conceived thepoor fellow, as he termed him, might be in want of money, and compelledto dispose of his article for subsistence. 

"Ha, ha, ha, " cried Sparkle, "I see you know nothing about them: theseare the locusts of the town. " At this moment they were joined by theHon. Tom Dashall. 

"Egad!" continued Sparkle, "I just saved your Cousin from beingtrepanned, and sent for a soldier. "

Tallyho appeared all amazement. 

"What, " cried Tom, "in the wars of Venus then, I suppose I know he has afancy for astronomy, and probably he was desirous of taking a peep intoShire-lane, where he might easily find the Sun, Moon, and Seven Stars. "

"Ha! ha! ha!" replied Sparkle, "not exactly so; but I rescued him fromthe hands of a Buffer, {1} who would

 1 Buffers miscalled Duffers--Persons who adopt a species of swindling which is rather difficult of detection, though it is daily practised in London. The term Buffer takes its derivation from a custom which at one time prevailed of carrying Bandanas, sarsnets, French stockings, and silk of various kinds, next the shirts of the sellers; so that upon making a sale, they were obliged to undress in order to come at the goods, or in other words, to strip to the skin, or buff it; by which means they obtained the title of Buffers. This trade (if it may be so termed) is carried on in a genteel manner. The parties go about from house to house, and attend public-houses, inns, and fairs, pretending to sell smuggled goods, such as those already mentioned; and by offering their goods for sale, they are enabled by practice to discover the proper objects for their arts. 

 Buffers, or Duffers, who are not rogues in the strict sense of the word, only offer to sell their goods to the best advantage, and by this means evade the detection of the police, but are equally subversive or destructive of common honesty under a cloak or disguise; for if they can persuade any person that the article offered is actually better or cheaper than any other person's, they are doing no more than every tradesman does; but then as they pay no rent or taxes to the State, the principal objection to them lies in the mode of operation, and an overstrained recommendation of their goods, which are always, according to their account, of the most superior quality; and they have a peculiar facility of discovering the novice or the silly, to whom walking up with a serious countenance and interesting air, they broach the pleasing intelligence, that they have on sale an excellent article well worth their attention, giving a caution at the same time, that honour and secrecy must be implicitly observed, or it may lead to unpleasantness to both parties. By these means persons from the country are frequently enticed into public-houses to look at their goods; and if they do not succeed in one way, they are almost sure in another, by having an accomplice, who will not fail to praise the articles for sale, and propose some gambling scheme, by which the party is plundered of his money by passing forged Bank-notes, base silver or copper, in the course of their dealings. 

~110~~doubtless have fleeced him in good style, if he could only haveinduced him to attend to his story. "

"The mob you see collected there, " said the Hon. Tom Dashalll, "isattracted by two circumstances--Money's new Coronation Crop, justlanched--and a broken image of a Highlander, at the door of asnuff-shop; each of them truly important and interesting of course, theelevation of one man, and the destruction of another. The poor Scotchmanseems dreadfully bruised, and I suppose is now under the Doctor's hands, for he has two or three plasters on his face. "

"Yes, " continued Sparkle, "he has been out on a spree, {1} had a bit of aturn-up, and been knock'd down. "

Upon hearing this conversation, Tallyho could not help inquiring intothe particulars. 

"Why the facts are simply as follows, " continued

 1 Spree--A bit of fun, or a frolicsome lark. 

~111~~Sparkle--"in London, as you perceive, tradesmen are in the habitof exhibiting signs of the business or profession in which they areengaged. The Pawnbroker decorates his door with three gold balls--theBarber, in some places, (though it is a practice almost out of date)hangs out a long pole--the Gold-beater, an arm with a hammer in theact of striking--the Chemist, a head of Glauber, or Esculapius--theTobacconist, a roll of tobacco, and of late it has become customaryfor these venders of pulverised atoms called snuff, to station a woodenfigure of a Highlander, in the act of taking a pinch of Hardham's, orHigh-dried, as a sort of inviting introduction to their counters; anda few nights back, a Scotchman, returning from his enjoyments at aneighbouring tavern, stopped to have a little friendly chat with thisgentleman's Highlander, and by some means or other, I suppose, a quarrelensued, upon which the animated young Scotchman took advantage of hiscountryman--floored him, broke both his arms, and otherwise did himconsiderable bodily injury, the effects of which are still visible;and Johnny Bull, who is fond of a little gape-seed, is endeavouring toconsole him under his sufferings. "

"Very kind of him, indeed, " replied Bob. 

"At any rate, " said Tom, "the Tobacconist will have occasion to begrateful to the Highlander{1} for some portion of his popularity. "

 1 It is matter of astonishment to some, but not less true, that many tradesmen in the Metropolis have to ascribe both fame and fortune to adventitious circumstances. It is said that Hardham, of Fleet Street, had to thank the celebrated Comedian, Foote, who, in one of his popular characters, introducing his snuffbox, offered a pinch to the person he was in conversation with on the stage, who spoke well of it, and inquired where he obtained it?--"Why, at Hardham's, to be sure. " And to this apparently trifling circumstance, Hardham was indebted for his fortune. 

 The importance of a Highlander to a snuff-shop will appear by a perusal of the following fact:--

 A very respectable young man, a Clerk in the office of an eminent Solicitor, was recently brought before Mr. Alderman Atkins, upon the charge of being disorderly. The prisoner, it seemed, on his return home from a social party, where he had been sacrificing rather too freely to the jolly god, was struck with the appearance of a showy wooden figure of a Highlander, at the door of Mr. Micklan's snuff-shop, No. 12, Fleet Street. The young Attorney, who is himself a Scotchman, must needs claim acquaintance with his countryman. He chucked him familiarly under the chin, called him a very pretty fellow, and, in the vehemence of his affection, embraced him with so much violence, as to force him from his station. Mr. Micklan ran to the assistance of his servant, and in the scuffle the unfortunate Highlander had both his arms dislocated, the frill that adorned his neck damaged, besides other personal injuries, which his living countryman not being in the humour to atone for, Mr. Micklau gave him in charge to the watchman. Before the Magistrate in the morning, the young man appeared heartily sick of his folly, and perfectly willing to make every reparation, but complained of the excessive demand, which he stated to be no less than thirteen guineas. Mr. Micklan produced the remains of the unfortunate Highlander, who excited a compound fracture of both arms, with a mutilation of three or four fingers, and such other bodily wounds, as to render his perfect recovery, so as to resume his functions at Mr. Micklan's door, altogether hopeless. The Highlander, the complainant stated, cost him thirteen guineas, and was entirely new. The sum might seem large for the young gentleman to pay for such a frolic, but it would not compensate him for the injury he should sustain by the absence of the figure; for, however strange it might appear, he did not hesitate to say, that without it he should not have more than half his business. Since he had stationed it at his door, he had taken on an average thirty shillings a day more than he had done previous to exhibiting his attractions. 

 There being no proof of a breach of the peace, Mr. Alderman Atkins advised the gentleman to settle the matter upon the best terms he could. They withdrew together, and on their return the complainant reported that the gentleman had agreed to take the figure, and furnish him with a new one. 

 Mr. Alderman Atkins, in discharging the prisoner, recommended to him to get the figure repaired, and make a niche for him in his office, where, by using it as a proper memorial, it would probably save him more than it cost him. 

 The broken figure has since been exhibited in his old station, and excited considerable notice; but we apprehend he is not yet able to afford all the attractions of his occupation, for he has formerly been seen inviting his friends to a pinch of snuff gratis, by holding a box actually containing that recreating powder in his hand, in the most obliging and condescending manner--a mark of politeness and good breeding well worthy of respectful attention. 

"Come, " said Sparkle, "we are now in one of the principal thoroughfaresof the Metropolis, Fleet Street, of which you have already heard much, and is at all times thronged with multitudes of active and industriouspersons, in pursuit of their various avocations, like a hive of bees, and keeping up, like them, a ceaseless hum. Nor is it less a scene ofReal Life worth viewing, than the more refined haunts of the noble, therich, and the great, many of whom leave their splendid habitations inthe West in the morning, to attend the money-getting, ~113~~commercialmen of the City, and transact their business. --The dashing youngspendthrift, to borrow at any interest; and the more prudent, to buy orto sell. The plodding tradesman, the ingenious mechanic, are exhaustingtheir time in endeavours to realize property, perhaps to be left forthe benefit of a Son, who as ardently sets about, after his Father'sdecease, to get rid of it--nay, perhaps, pants for an opportunity ofdoing this before he can take possession; for the young Citizen, havinglived just long enough to conceive himself superior to his father, inviolation of filial duty and natural authority, affects an aversion toevery thing that is not novel, expensive, and singular. He is a lad ofhigh spirit; he calls the city a poor dull prison, in which he cannotbear to be confined; and though he may not intend to mount his nag, stiffens his cravat, whistles a sonata, to which his whip applied to theboot forms an accompaniment; while his spurs wage war with the flouncesof a fashionably-dressed belle, or come occasionally in painful contactwith the full-stretched stockings of a gouty old gentleman; by allwhich he fancies he is keeping" up the dignity and importance of hischaracter. He does not slip the white kid glove from his hand withoutconvincing the spectator that; his hand is the whiter skin; nortwist his fingers for the introduction of a pinch of Maccaba, withoutdisplaying to the best advantage his beautifully chased ring andelegantly painted snuff-box lid; nor can the hour of the day beascertained without discovering his engine-turned repeater, and hearingits fascinating music: then the fanciful chain, the precious stonesin golden robes, and last of all, the family pride described in trueheraldic taste and naïveté. Of Peter Pindar's opinion, that

 "Care to our coffin adds a nail, But every grin so merry draws one out, "

he thinks it an admirable piece of politeness and true breeding to givecorrect specimens of the turkey or the goose in the serious scenes of adramatic representation, or while witnessing her Ladyship's confusionin a crowd of carriages combating for precedence in order to obtainan early appearance at Court. Reading he considers quite a bore, butattends the reading-room, which he enters, not to know what is worthreading and add a little knowledge to his slender stock from the laboursand experience of ~114~~men of letters--no, but to quiz the cognoscenti, and throw the incense over its learned atmosphere from his stronglyperfumed cambric handkerchief, which also implies what is most inuse for the indulgence of one of the five senses. When he enters acoffee-room, it is not for the purpose of meeting an old friend, and toenjoy with him a little rational conversation over his viands, butto ask for every newspaper, and throw them aside without looking atthem--to call the Waiter loudly by his name, and shew his authority--tocontradict an unknown speaker who is in debate with others, and declare, upon the honour of a gentleman and the veracity of a scholar, that Popenever understood Greek, nor translated Homer with tolerable justice. He considers it a high privilege to meet a celebrated pugilist at anappointed place, to floor him for a quid, {1} a fall, and a high delightto talk of it afterwards for the edification of his friends--to pickup a Cyprian at mid-day--to stare modest women out of countenance--tobluster at a hackney-coachman--or to upset a waterman in the river, inorder to gain the fame of a Leander, and prove himself a Hero. 

"He rejects all his father's proposed arrangements for his domesticcomforts and matrimonial alliance. He wanders in his own capriciousfancy, like a fly in summer, over the fields of feminine beauty andloveliness; yet he declares there is so much versatility and instabilityabout the fair sex, that they are unworthy his professions of regard;and, perhaps, in his whole composition, there is nothing deserving ofserious notice but his good-nature. Thus you have a short sketch of ayoung Citizen. "

"Upon my word, friend Sparkle, you are an admirable delineator ofSociety, " said Dashall. 

"My drawings are made from nature, " continued Sparkle. 

"Aye, and very naturally executed too, " replied Tom. Having kept walkingon towards St. Paul's, they were by this time near the end of Shoe Lane, at the corner of which sat an elderly woman with a basket of mackerelfor sale; and as they approached they saw several persons rush fromthence into the main street in evident alarm. 

"Come up, d----n your eyes, " said an ill-favoured fellow with animmense cudgel in his fist, driving an ass laden

 1 Quid--A. Guinea. 

115~~with brick-dust, with which he was belabouring him mostunmercifully. The poor beast, with an endeavour to escape if possiblethe cudgelling which awaited him, made a sudden turn round the post, rubbing his side against it as he went along, and thereby relievinghimself of his load, which he safely deposited, with a cloud ofbrick-dust that almost blinded the old woman and those who were nearher, in the basket of fish. Neddy then made the best of his way towardsFleet-market, and an over-drove bullock, which had terrified manypersons, issued almost at the same moment from Shoe Lane, and took thedirection for Temple-bar. The whistling, the hooting, the hallooing, and the running of the drovers in pursuit--men, women, and children, scampering to get out of the way of the infuriated beast--the noise andrattling of carriages, the lamentations of the poor fish-fag, and thevociferations of the donkey-driver to recover his neddy--together with acombination of undistinguishable sounds from a variety of voices, cryingtheir articles for sale, or announcing their several occupations--formeda contrast of characters, situations, and circumstances, not easily tobe described. Here, a poor half-starved and almost frightened-to-deathbrat of a Chimney-sweeper, in haste to escape, had run against a ladywhose garments were as white as snow--there, a Barber had run againsta Parson, and falling along with him, had dropped a pot of pomatum fromhis apron-pocket on the reverend gentleman's eye, and left a mark inperfect unison with the colour of his garments before the disaster, butwhich were now of a piebald nature, neither black nor white. A barrowof nuts, overturned in one place, afforded fine amusement for thescrambling boys and girls--a Jew old clothes-man swore upon hisconscience he had losht the pest pargain vhat he ever had offered to himin all his lifetime, by dem tam'd bears of bull-drivers--a Sailor calledhim a gallows _half-hung ould crimp_, {1} d----d his

 1 Crimp--Kidnappers, Trappers, or Procurers of men for the Merchant Service; and the East-India company contract with them for a supply of sailors to navigate their ships out and home. These are for the most part Jews, who have made advances to the sailors of money, clothes, victuals, and lodgings, generally to a very small amount, taking care to charge an enormous price for every article. The poor fellows, by these means, are placed under a sort of espionage, if not close confinement, till the ship is ready to receive them; and then they are conducted on board at Gravesend by the Crimp and his assistants, and a receipt taken for them. 

 In this process there is nothing very reprehensible--the men want births, and have no money--the Crimp keeps a lodging- house, and wishes to be certain of his man: he therefore takes him into the house, and after a very small supply of cash, the grand do, is to persuade him to buy watches, buckles, hats, and jackets, to be paid for on his receiving his advance previous to sailing. By this means and the introduction of grog, the most barefaced and unblushing robberies have been committed. 

 With the same view of fleecing the unwary poor fellows, who

 ". . . At sea earn their money like horses, To squander it idly like asses on shore, "

 they watch their arrival after the voyage, and advance small sums of money upon their tickets, or perhaps buy them out and out, getting rid at the same time of watches, jewellery, and such stuff, at more than treble their real value. Not only is this the case in London, but at all the out-ports it is practised to a very great extent, particularly in war time. 

 Happy would it be for poor Jack were this all; he is some- times brought in indebted to the Crimp to a large nominal amount, by what is called a long-shore attorney, or more appropriately, a black shark, and thrown into jail!!! There he lies until his body is wanted, and then the incarcerator négociâtes with him for his liberty, to be permitted to enter on board again. 

~116~~eyes if he was not glad of it, and, with a sling of his arm, deposited an enormous quid he had in his mouth directly in the chapsof the Israelite, then joined the throng in pursuit; while the Jew, endeavouring to call Stop thief, took more of the second-hand quidthan agreed with the delicacy of his stomach, and commenced a vomit, ejaculating with woful lamentations, that he had lost his bag mit allhis propertish. 

The old mackarel-woman, seeing her fish covered with brick-dust, set offin pursuit of the limping donkey-driver, and catching him by the neck, swore he should pay her for the fish, and brought him back to the sceneof action; but, in the mean time, the Street-keeper had seizedand carried off the basket with all its contents--misfortune uponmisfortune!

"D----n your ass, and you too, " said the Fish-woman, "if you doesn'tpay me for my fish, I'll _quod_{1} you--that there's all vat I ar got tosay. "

"Here's a bit of b----dy gammon--don't you see as how I am lost bothmy ass and his cargo, and if you von't leave

 1 Quod--A Jail--to quod a person is to send him to jail. 

~117~~me alone, and give me my bags again, I'll sarve you out--therenow, that's all--bl----st me! fair play's a jewel--let go my hair, and don't kick up no rows about it--see vhat a mob you're a makinghere--can't you sell your mackarel ready sauced, and let me go aterNeddy?"

"Vhat, you thinks you are a _flat-catching_, {1} do you, LimpingBilly--but eh, who has run away with my basket offish?"

"Ha, ha, ha, " cried Limping Billy, bursting into a horse-laugh at theadditional distress of the old woman, in which he was joined by many ofthe surrounding spectators; and which so enraged her, that she let goher hold, and bursting through the crowd with an irresistible strength, increased almost to the fury of madness by her additional loss, she ransome paces distance in search of, not only her stock in trade, buther shop, shop-board, and working-tools; while the donkey-driverboisterously vociferated after her--"Here they are six a shilling, livemackarel O. "

This taunt of the brick-dust merchant was too much to be borne, andbrought her back again with a determination to chastise him, which shedid in a summary way, by knocking him backwards into the kennel. Billywas not pleased at this unexpected salute, called her a drunken ----, and endeavoured to get out of her way--"for, " said he, "I know she is ab----dy rum customer when she gets lushy. "{2} At this moment, a sturdyyouth, about sixteen or seventeen years of age, was seen at a shortdistance riding the runaway-ass back again. Billy perceiving this, became a little more reconciled to his rough usage--swore he never wouldstrike a voman, so help him G----d, for that he was a man every inch ofhim; and as for Mother Mapps, he'd be d----nd-if he vouldn't treat herwith all the pleasure of life; and now he had got his own ass, he vouldgo along with her for to find her mackarel. Then shaking a cloud ofbrick-dust from the dry parts of his apparel, with sundry portions ofmud from those parts which had most easily reached the kennel, he tookthe bridle of his donkey, and bidding her come along, they toddled{3}together to a gin-shop in Shoe Lane. 

 1 Flat-catching--Is an expression of very common use, and seems almost to explain itself, being the act of taking advantage of any person who appears ignorant and unsuspicious. 

 2 Lushy--Drunk. 

 3 Toddle--To toddle is to walk slowly, either from infirmity or choice--"Come, let us toddle, " is a very familiar phrase, signifying let us be going. 

~118~~Desirous of seeing an end to this bit of gig--"Come along, " saidSparkle, "they'll all be in prime twig presently, and we shall have somefun. 

 "I'm the boy for a bit of a bobbery, Nabbing a lantern, or milling a pane; A jolly good lark is not murder or robbery, Let us be ready and nimble. "

Hark, (said he) there's a fiddle-scraper in the house--here goes;" andimmediately they entered. 

They had no occasion to repent of their movements; for in one cornerof the tap-room sat Billy Waters, a well-known character about town, a Black Man with a wooden leg was fiddling to a Slaughterman fromFleet-market, in wooden shoes, who, deck'd with all the paraphernalia ofhis occupation, a greasy jacket and night-cap, an apron besmeared withmud, blood, and grease, nearly an inch thick, and a leathern girdle, from which was suspended a case to hold his knives, and his sleevestuck'd up as if he had but just left the slaughter-house, was dancing inthe centre to the infinite amusement of the company, which consisted ofan old woman with periwinkles and crabs for sale in a basket--a porterwith his knot upon the table--a dustman with his broad-flapped hat, andhis bell by his side--an Irish hodman--and two poor girls, who appearedto be greatly taken with the black fiddler, whose head was decoratedwith an oil-skinned cock'd hat, and a profusion of many colouredfeathers: on the other side of the room sat a young man ofshabby-genteel appearance, reading the newspaper with close attention, and purring forth volumes of smoke. Limping Billy and Mother Mapps wereimmediately known, and room was made for their accommodation, while thefiddler's elbow and the slaughterman's wooden shoes were kept in motion. 

_Max_{l} was the order of the day, and the _sluicery_{2} in goodrequest. Mother Mapps was made easy by being informed the Street-keeperhad her valuables in charge, which Limping Billy promised he wouldredeem. "Bring us a

 1 Max--A very common term for gin. 

 2 Sluicery--A gin-shop or public-house: so denominated from the lower orders of society sluicing their throats as it were with gin, and probably derived from the old song entitled "The Christening of Little Joey, " formerly sung by Jemmy Dodd, of facetious memory. 

 "And when they had sluiced their gobs With striving to excel wit, The lads began to hang their nobs, * And lip their frows** the velvet. ***

 * Nobs--Heads. 

 ** Frows--Originally a Dutch word, meaning wives, or girls. 

 *** Velvet--The tongue. 

~119~~noggin of _white tape_, {1} and fill me a pipe, " said he--"d----nmy eyes, I knowed as how it vou'd be all right enough, I never gets inno rows whatever without getting myself out again--come, _ould chap, {2}vet your vistle, and tip it us rum--go it my kiddy, that are's just vatI likes_. "

"Vat's the reason I an't to have a pipe?" said Mother Mapps. 

"Lord bless your heart, " said the Donkey-driver, "if I did'nt forgetyou, never trust me--here, Landlord, a pipe for this here Lady. "

"Which way did the bull run?" said the Irishman. 

"Bl----st me if I know, " replied Limping Billy, "for I was alooking out for my own ass--let's have the Sprig of Shelalah, _ouldBlackymoor_--come, tune up. "

The old woman being supplied with a pipe, and the fiddler having rosinedhis nerves with a glass of _blue ruin_{3} to it they went, some singing, some whistling, and others drumming with their hands upon the table;while Tom, Bob, and Sparkle, taking a seat at the other side ofthe room, ordered a glass of brandy and water each, and enjoyed themerriment of the scene before them, perhaps more than those actuallyengaged in it. Bob was alive to every movement and every character, forit was new, and truly interesting: and kept growing more so, for in afew minutes Limping Billy and Mother Mapps joined the Slaughterman inthe dance, when nothing could be more grotesque and amusing. Their pipesin their mouths--clapping of hands and snapping of fingers, formed acurious accompaniment to the squeaking of the fiddle--the broad grin ofthe Dustman, and the preposterous laugh of the

 1 White Tape--Also a common term for gin, particularly among the Ladies. 

 2 Ould Chap, or Ould Boy--Familiar terms of address among flash lads, being a sort of contraction of old acquaintance, or old friend. 

 3 Blue Ruin--Gin. 

~120~~Irishman at the reelers in the centre, heightened the picture--moregin--more music, and more tobacco, soon ad a visible effect upon theparty, and reeling became unavoidable. The young man reading the paper, found it impossible to understand what he was perusing, and havingfinished his pipe and his pint, made his exit, appearing to have norelish for the entertainment, and perhaps heartily cursing both thecause and the effect. Still, however, the party was not reduced innumber, for as one went out another came in. 

This new customer was a young-looking man, bearing a large board on ahigh pole, announcing the residence of a Bug-destroyer in the Strand. His appearance was grotesque in the extreme, and could only be equalledby the eccentricities of his manners and conversation. He was dressedin a brown coat, close buttoned, over which he had a red camlet or stuffsurtout, apparently the off-cast of some theatrical performer, but witha determination to appear fashionable; for

 "Folks might as well be dead--nay buried too, As not to dress and act as others do. "

He wore mustachios, a pair of green spectacles, and his whole figure wassurmounted with a fur-cap. Taking a seat directly opposite our partyat the same table--"Bring me a pint, " said he; and then deliberatelysearching his pockets, he produced a short pipe and some tobacco, withwhich he filled it--"You see, " said he, "I am obliged to smoke accordingto the Doctor's orders, for an asthma--so I always smokes three pipes aday, that's my allowance; but I can eat more than any man in the room, and can dance, sing, and act--nothing conies amiss to me, all theplayers takes their characters from me. "

After this introduction--"You are a clever fellow, I'll be bound forit, " said Dashall. 

"O yes, I acts Richard the Third sometimes--sometimes Macbeth andTom Thumb. I have played before Mr. Kean: then I acted Richard theThird--'Give me a horse! '--(starting into the middle of the room)--'no, stop, not so--let me see, let me see, how is it?--ah, this is theway--Give me a horse--Oh! Oh! Oh!--then you know I dies. "--And down hefell on the floor, which created a general roar of laughter; whileBilly Waters ~121~~struck up, "See the conquering Hero conies!" to theinexpressible delight of all around him--their feet and hands all goingat the same time. 

Mother Mapps dropp'd her pipe, and d----d the weed, it made her sick, she said. 

Limping Billy was also evidently in _queer-street_. 

"Come, " said Sparkle, "won't you have a drop more?"

"Thank ye, Sir, " was the reply; and Sparkle, intent upon having hisgig out, ordered a fresh supply, which soon revived the fallen hero ofBosworth-field, and Richard was himself again. 

"Now, " said he, "I'll sing you a song, " and immediately commenced asfollows:--

 "My name's Hookey Walker, I'm known very well, In acting and eating I others excel; The player-folks all take their patterns from me, And a nice pattern too!--Don't you see? don't you see? Oh! [_glancing at his fingers_] It will do--it will do. 

 At Chippenham born, I was left quite forlorn, When my father was dead and my mother was gone; So I came up to London, a nice little he, And a nice pattern too!--Don't you see? don't you see? Oh! it will do--it will do. 

 A courting I went to a girl in our court, She laugh'd at my figure, and made me her sport; I was cut to the soul, --so said I on my knee, I'm a victim of love!--Don't you see? don't you see? Oh! it won't do--it won't do. 

 Now all day I march to and fro in the street, And a candle sometimes on my journey I eat; So I'll set you a pattern, if you'll but agree, And a nice pattern too! you shall see--you shall see. Oh! it will do--it will do. "

This Song, which he declared was all _made out of his own head_, wassung with grotesque action and ridiculous grimace, intended no doubt inimitation of Mr. Wilkinson in his inimitable performance of this strangepiece of whimsicality. The dancing party was knock'd up and were lobbingtheir _lollys_, {1} half asleep and half awake, on the table, bowing asit were to the magnanimous influence

 1 Lobbing their lollys--Laying their heads. 

~122~~of _Old Tom_. {1} The Dustman and the Irishman laugh'd heartily;and Das hall, Tallyho, and Sparkle, could not resist the impulseto risibility when they contemplated the group before them. TheBug-destroyer _munched_{2} a candle and _sluiced_{3} his greasy_chops_{4} with _Jacky_{5} almost as fast as they could supply himwith it, when Sparkle perceiving the boy was still at the door with therunaway ass, "Come, " said he, "we'll start 'em off home in high style--here, you Mr. Bugman, can you ride?"

"Ride, aye to be sure I can, any of Mr. Astley's horses as well as theChampion of England, "{6} was the reply. 

 1 Old Tom--It is customary in public-houses and gin-shops in London and its vicinity to exhibit a cask inscribed with large letters--OLD TOM, intended to indicate the best gin in the house. 

 2 Munched--Eat. 

 3 Sluiced--Washed. See Sluicery. 

 4 Chops--The mouth. 

 5 Jacky--A vulgar term for gin. 

 6 Any person would almost suspect that Hookey had been reading the newspapers by this allusion; but that certainly could not be the case, for, spurning all education in early life, this representative of the immortal bard--this character of characters from Shakespeare, could neither read nor write, but made all he acted, as he said, from his own head: however, it may fairly be presumed, that in the course of his travels during the day he had heard something of the Champion intended to appear at the approaching Coronation, of whom the following account has recently been circulated through the daily press, and, with his usual consistency, conceived his own innate abilities equal to those which might be acquired by Mr. Dymocke, though his claims were not equally honourable or advantageous. 

 Mr. Dymocke, the nephew of the gentleman (who is a Clergyman) entitled by hereditary right to do the service of the Champion to his Majesty, is still in hopes he may be permitted to act under his Uncle's nomination, although he wants a few months of being of age. A petition is before the King on the subject; and Mr. Dymocke, by constant practice at Astley's Hiding-school, is endeavouring to qualify himself for the due fulfilment of the office. On Thursday lie went through his exercise in a heavy suit of armour with great celerity. The horse which will be rode by the Champion has been selected from Mr. Astley's troop. It is a fine animal, pieballed black and white, and is regularly exercised in the part he will have to perform. 

"Walk in--walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, just going to begin--come, Mr. Merryman, all ready--Ladies and Gentlemen, please to observe, this herehorse is not that there horse. "

"So we laugh at John Bull a little. "

~123~~"Come, then, " continued Sparkle, "another glass--half-a-crown toride to the bottom of the lane and up Holboru-hill on that donkey at thedoor, and you shall be our Champion. "

"A bargain--a bargain, " said the assumed Hookey Walker, rubbing thetallow from his _gills_. {1}

"Here goes then, " said Sparkle; then slipping half-a-crown into theboy's hand, desiring him to run as far as the Traveller-office, inFleet-street, and get him a newspaper, promising to take care of hisass till his return. The lad nibbled the bait, and was off in a _pig'swhisper_{2} Sparkle called to Tom and Bob, and putting them up tohis scheme, Hookey was quickly mounted, while Dashall and his Cousin, assisted by the Hibernian and Dust-ho, succeeded in getting Mother Mappsout, who was placed in the front of the Champion, astride, with her facetowards him and Limping Billy, who though _beat to a stand still_, {3}was after some difficulty lifted up behind. Hookey was then suppliedwith his board, the pole of which he placed on his foot, in the mannerof a spear or lance. Then giving the Irishman and the Dustman somesilver, to act as Supporters or Esquires, one on each side, theyproceeded along Shoe-lane, preceded by Billy Waters flourishing hiswooden-leg and feathers, and fiddling as he went--the Irishman roaringout with Stentorian lungs, "Sure won't you hear What roaring cheer Was spread at Paddy's wedding O, And how so gay They spent the day, From the churching to the bedding O. First book in hand came Father Quipes, With the Bride's dadda, the Bailey O, While all the way to church the pipes Struck up a jilt so gaily O. 

"_Kim ap_--be after sitting fast in the front there, old Mapps, oryou'll make a mud-lark of yourself. " The Dustman rang his bell; and thusaccompanied with an immense assemblage of boys, girls, men, women, and

 1 Gills--The mouth. 

 2 Pig's Whisper--A very common term for speed. 

 3 Beat to a dead stand still--Means completely unable to assist himself. 

~124~~children, collected from all the courts and alleys in theneighbourhood, joining in a chorus of shouts that rent the air, poorBalaam continued to bear his load; while our party, after watching themtill nearly out of sight, passed down Harp-alley into Fleet-market, " andturning to the right, very soon regained Fleet-Street, laughing heartilyat the bull's cookery of mackarel buttered with brick-dust, and verywell satisfied with their spree. 

Engaged in conversation upon this adventure, they found nothing ofinterest' or amusement to attract their notice till they arrived at thewarehouse of the London Genuine Tea Company, except merely remarking thegrand appearance of St. Paul's, from that situation. 

"Genuine tea" said Bob; "what can that mean--Is tea any thing but tea?"

"To be sure it is, " said Sparkle, "or has been--_any_thing but tea, "{l}strongly marking the latter part of the

 1 Tea and Coffee--The adulteration of articles of human food is a practice of the most nefarious description, and cannot be too strongly deprecated, although it has been carried to an alarming extent. There is scarcely an article of ordinary consumption but has been unlawfully adulterated, and in many cases rendered injurious by the infamous and fraudulent practice of interested persons. Bread, which is considered to be the staff of life, and beer and ale the universal beverage of the people of this country, are known to be frequently mixed with drugs of the most pernicious quality. Gin, that favourite and heart-inspiring cordial of the lower orders of society, that it may have the grip, or the appearance of being particularly strong, is frequently adulterated with the decoction of long pepper, or a small quantity of aqua-fortis, a deadly poison. Sugar has been known to be mixed with sand; and tobacco, for the public- houses, undergoes a process for making it strong and intoxicating; but the recent discovery of the nefarious practice of adulterating tea and coffee, articles of the most universal and extensive consumption, deserves particular reprehension. 

 Tea has been adulterated by the introduction of dried sloe leaves; the practice is not very new, but its extensive adoption, and the deleterious properties ascribed to them by physicians, have been, at length, successfully exposed by the conviction of many of the venders, so, it is hoped, as to prevent a repetition of the crime. The sloe leaf, though a spurious commodity when sold as tea, might afford a harmless vegetable infusion, and be recommended to the poor and frugal as a cheap succedaneum for the Chinese vegetable. The establishment of the Genuine Tea Company on Ludgate-hill originated in the recent discoveries, promising to sell nothing but the Unadulterated Tea, and it is sincerely to be hoped has done some good. 

~125~~sentence as he spoke it: "horse-beans have been converted tocoffee, and sloe-leaves have been transformed into tea; hog's lard hasbeen manufactured for butter; an ingenious gentleman wishes to persuadeus _Periwinkles_{1} are young Lobsters; and another has proposed toextract sugar, and some say brandy, out of pea-shells! London is themart for inventions and discoveries of all kinds, and every one of itsinhabitants appears to have studied something of the art of Legerdemain, to catch the eye and deceive the senses. "

"Wonderful!" exclaimed Bob. 

"Not more wonderful than true, " continued Sparkle; "invention is alwayson the stretch in London. Here we have cast-iron Bridges{2}--a cast-ironSugar-house--

 1 Sparkle appears to have been rather sceptical on the subject of Periwinkles being young Lobsters, though the opinion is not very new. A gentleman, whose indefatigable research appears to be deserving of encouragement and support, has recently issued the following advertisement, inviting the curious and the learned to inspect the result of his discoveries, which seems, at least, to warrant something more than conjecture. 

 "J. Cleghorne having in his possession some specimens which prove, in his opinion, a circumstance before suggested, but treated by the scientific as a vulgar error, any known naturalist willing to view them, by noticing by letter, within a week, may have J. C. Attend with his specimens. The subject is a curious change in the formation of Lobsters from various species of the Winkle, the Winkle being considered the larva;. 

 The only advantage J. C. Desires from the communication is, the credit of advancing his proofs, and the stimulating further enquiry. --A line addressed to J. Cleghorne, Architectural Engraver, No. 19, Chapman-street, Black-road, Islington, will have immediate attention. "

 It is sincerely to be hoped that proper notice will be taken of this advertisement, for in times of general scarcity like the present, such a discovery might be turned to great national advantage, by the establishment of proper depots for the cultivation of lobsters, as we have preserves for game, &c. 

 2 Cast-iron has become an object of general utility. The Southwark or New London Bridge consists of three arches, the centre of which is a span of 240 feet, and the other two 210 feet each; the Vauxhall Bridge consists of nine arches, over a width of 809 feet; and it is a fact, that a Sugar-house is building with cast-iron floors, window-frames, and rafters, to prevent fire. Cast-iron holds fire and resists fire; but it is probable that all its properties and powers are not yet discovered, and that we may some day or other witness the ascension of a cast-iron balloon inflated with steam!

~126~~coaches running, and barges, packets, and sailing-boats navigated, by Steam{1}--St. Paul's, as you perceive, without its ball--smokeburning itself, and money burning men's consciences. "

"Well done, Sparkle!" cried Tom; "your ideas seem to flow like gas, touch but the valve and off you go; and you are equally diffusive, foryou throw a light upon all subjects. "

Bob was now suddenly attracted by a full view of himself and his friendsat the further end of Everington's{2}

 1 Steam--Here is a subject that evaporates as we approach; it soars beyond finite comprehension, and appears to be inexhaustible--every thing is done by it--machinery of every kind is set in motion by it--a newspaper of the most extensive circulation in the kingdom is printed by it, and the paper supplied sheet by sheet to receive the impression. Tobacco is manufactured, and sausage-meat cut, by steam-- nay, a celebrated Vender of the latter article had asserted, that his machinery was in such a state of progressive improvement, that he had little doubt before long of making it supply the demands of his customers, and thereby save the expense of a Shopman; but, it is much to be regretted, his apparatus made sausage-meat of him before the accomplishment of his project. 

 Considering the increasing, and by some Philosophers almost overwhelming population of the country at the present moment, it is certainly an alarming circumstance, that when employment is so much required, mechanical science should so completely supersede it to the injury of thousands, independent of the many who have lost their lives by the blowing up of steam-engines. It is a malady however which must be left to our political economists, who will doubtless at the same time determine which would prove the most effectual remedy--the recommendation of Mr. Malthus to condemn the lower orders to celibacy--the Jack Tars to a good war--or the Ministers to emigration. 

 2 If an estimate of the wealth or poverty of the nation were to lie formed from the appearance of the houses in the Metropolis, no one could be induced to believe that the latter had any existence among us. The splendour and taste of our streets is indescribable, and the vast improvements in the West are equally indicative of the former. 

 The enormous increase of rents for Shops, particularly in the leading thoroughfares of London, may in a great measure be attributed to the Linen-drapers. The usual method practised by some of these gentry, is to take a shop in the first-rate situation, pull down the old front, and erect a new one, regardless of expense, a good outside being considered the first and indispensable requisite. This is often effected, either upon credit with a builder, or, if they have a capital of a few hundreds, it is all exhausted in external decorations. Goods are obtained upon credit, and customers procured by puffing advertisements, and exciting astonishment at the splendid appearance of the front. Thus the concern is generally carried on till the credit obtained has expired, and the wonder and novelty of the concern has evaporated; when the stock is _sold off at 30 per cent, under prime cost for the benefit of the creditors_! This is so common an occurrence, that it is scarcely possible to walk through London any day in the year, without being attracted by numerous Linen-drapers' shops, whose windows are decorated with bills, indicating that they are actually selling off under prime cost, as the premises must be cleared in a few days. 

 The most elegant Shop of this description in the Metropolis is supposed to be one not a hundred miles from Ludgate-hill, the front and fitting up of which alone is said to have cost several thousand pounds. The interior is nearly all of looking-glass, with gilt mouldings; even the ceiling is looking-glass, from which is appended splendid cut-glass chandeliers, which when lighted give to the whole the brilliance of enchantment; however it is not very easy to form an idea of what is sold, for, with the exception of a shawl or two carelessly thrown into the window, there is nothing to be seen, (the stock being all concealed in drawers, cupboards, &c. ) except the decorations and the Dandy Shopmen, who parade up and down in a state of ecstasy at the reflection of their own pretty persons from every part of the premises!

 This concealment of the stock has occasioned some laughable occurrences. It is said that a gentleman from the country accidentally passing, took it for a looking-glass manufactory, and went in to inquire the price of a glass. The Shopmen gathered round him with evident surprise, assured him of his mistake, and directed him to go to Blades, {1} lower down the Hill. The Countryman was not disconcerted, but, after surveying them somewhat minutely, informed them it was glass he wanted, not cutlery; but as for blades, he thought there were enow there for one street, at least. 

 Another is said to have been so pleased with a row of grotesque Indian-China jars, which embellish one side of the entrance, and which he mistook for _pots de chambre_, that after returning home and consulting his rib, he sent an order per post for one of the most elegant pattern to be forwarded to him!

 There is a similar Shop to this, though on a smaller scale, to be seen in a great leading thoroughfare at the West end of the Town; the owner of which, from his swarthy complexion and extravagant mode of dress, has been denominated The Black Prince, a name by which he is well known in his own neighbourhood, and among the gentlemen of the cloth. This dandy gentleman, who affects the dress and air of a military officer, has the egregious vanity to boast that the numerous families of rank and fashion who frequent his shop, are principally attracted to view his elegant person, and seems to consider that upon this principally depends the success of his trade. 

 1 A large Glass-manufacturer. 

128--shop, and without observing the other persons about him, sawhimself surrounded with spectators, unconscious of being in theircompany. He look'd up--he look'd down--he gazed around him, and all wasinconceivable light. Tom's allusion to the gas flashed upon him in amoment--"What--what is this?" said he--"where, in the name of wonder, amI?" A flash of lightning could not have operated more suddenly upon him. "Why, " said Sparkle, "don't you see?

"You are not here, for you are there, "

pointing to his reflection, in the looking-glass. 

"Egad, " said Bob, under evident surprise, and perhaps not withoutsome apprehension they were playing tricks with him--"I wish you wouldexplain--is this a Drawing-room, or is it the _Phantasmagoria_ we haveheard so much of in the country?"

"No, no, it is not the Phantasmagoria, but it forms a part ofmetropolitan magic, which you shall be better acquainted with before wepart. That is no other than a Linen-draper's shop, '_papered_, ' asan Irishman one day remarked, 'vvid nothing at all at all butlooking-glass, my dear '--one of the most superb things of the kind thatperhaps ever was seen--But come, I perceive it is getting late, let usproceed directly to Dolly's, take our chop, then a _rattler_, {1} and heyfor the Spell. "{2}

Bob appeared almost to be spell-bound at the moment, and, as they movedonward, could not help casting

"One longing, lingering look behind. "

 1 Rattler--A coach. 

 2 Spell--The Play-house; so denominated from its variety of attractions, both before and behind the curtain. 

CHAPTER X

 "What various swains our motley walls contain! Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick-lane; Bankers from Paper-buildings here resort, Bankrupts from Golden-square and Riches-court; From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain, Gulls from the Poultry, sots from Water-lane; The lottery cormorant, the auction shark, The full-price master, and the half-price clerk; Boys, who long linger at the gallery-door, With pence twice live, they want but twopence more, Till some Samaritan the twopence spares, And sends them jumping up the gallery-stairs. Critics we boast, who ne'er their malice baulk, But talk their minds--we wish they'd mind their talk; Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live, Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give; Jews from St. Mary-Axe, for jobs so wary, That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary; And Bucks with pockets empty as their pate, Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait. Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues? Who's that calls "Silence" with such leathern lungs? He, who, in quest of quiet, "Silence" hoots, Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes. "

IN a few minutes they entered Dolly's, from whence, after partaking of acheerful repast and an exhilarating glass of wine, a coach conveyed themto Drury-lane. ', "Now, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "I shall introduce you to a new scenein Real Life, well worth your close observation. We have already takena promiscuous ramble from the West towards the East, and it has affordedsome amusement; but our stock is abundant, and many objects of curiosityare still in view. "

"Yes, yes, " continued Sparkle, "every day produces novelty; for althoughLondon itself is always the same, the inhabitants assume various forms, as inclination or necessity may induce or compel. The Charioteer of~130~~to-day, dashing along with four in hand, may be an inhabitant ofthe King's-bench to-morrow, and--but here we are, and Marino Faliero isthe order of the night. The character of its author is so well known, asto require no observation; but you will be introduced to a great varietyof other characters, both in High and Low Life, of an interestingnature. "

By this time they had alighted, and were entering the House. The rapidsuccession of carriages arriving with the company, the splendour of theequipages, the general elegance of the dresses, and the blazing of thelamps, alternately became objects of attraction to Bob, whose eyes werekept in constant motion--while "A Bill of the Play for Covent Garden orDrury Lane, " still resounded in their ears. 

[Illustration: page130 Drury Lane Theatre]

On arriving at the Box-lobby, Tom, who was well known, was immediatelyshewn into the centre box with great politeness by the Box-keeper, {1}the second scene of the Tragedy being just over. The appearance of theHouse was a delicious treat to Bob, whose visual orbs wandered moreamong the delighted and delightful faces which surrounded him, than tothe plot or the progress of the performances before him. It was a sceneof splendour of which lie had not the least conception; and Sparkleperceiving the principal objects of attraction, could not resist theimpulse to deliver, in a sort of half-whisper, the following lines:--

 "When Woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders, And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart, What need has new Drury of carvers and gilders? With nature so bounteous, why call upon art?

 1 The Box-keeper to a public Theatre has many duties to perform to the public, his employer, and himself; but, perhaps, in order to be strictly correct, we ought to have reversed the order in which we have noticed them, since of the three, the latter appears to be the most important, (at least) in his consideration; for he takes care before the commencement of the performance to place one of his automaton figures on the second row of every box, which commands a good view of the House, who are merely intended to sit with their hats off, and to signify that the two first seats are taken, till the conclusion of the second act; and so in point of fact they are taken by himself, for the accommodation of such friends as he is quite aware are willing to accommodate him with _a quid pro quo_. 

 How well would our Actors attend to their duties, Our House save in oil, and our Authors in wit, In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young Beauties Glanc'd light from their eyes between us and the Pit. 

 The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge By Woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize, To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College-- I mean the Love-apples that bloom in the eyes. 

 There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling, Still governs the slaves that are made by the Fair, For Man is the pupil who, while her eye's rolling, Is lifted to rapture, or sunk in despair. "

~131~~Tallyho eagerly listened to his friend's recitation of lines soconsonant with his own enraptured feelings; while his Cousin Dashall washolding a conversation in dumb-show with some person at a distance, who was presently recognized by Sparkle to be Mrs. G----den, {1} awell-known frequenter of the House. 

"Come, " said he, "I see how it is with Tom--you may rely upon it hewill not stop long where he is, there is other game in view--he has butlittle taste for Tragedy fiction, the Realities of Life are the objectsof his regard. 

"Tis a fine Tragedy, " continued he, addressing himself to Tom. 

"Yes--yes, " replied the other, "I dare say it is, but, upon my soul, I know nothing about it--that is--I have seen it before, and I mean toread it. "

"Bless my heart!" said a fat lady in a back seat, "what a noise them'are gentlemen does make--they talk so loud there 'ant no such thingas seeing what is said--I wonder they don't make these here boxes morebigger, for I declare I'm so scrouged I'm all in a--Fanny, did you bringthe rumperella for fear it should rain as we goes home?"

"Hush, Mother, " said a plump-faced little girl, who sat along side ofher--"don't talk so loud, or otherwise every body will hear you insteadof the Performers, and that would be quite preposterous. "

"Don't call me _posterous_ Miss; because you have been to school, andlearnt some _edification_, you thinks you are to do as you please withme. "

 1 Mrs. G----den, a dashing Cyprian of the first order, well known in the House, a fine, well-made woman, always ready for a lark, and generally well togged. 

~132~~This interesting conversation was interrupted by loudvociferations of Bravo, Bravo, from all parts of the House, as thedrop-scene fell upon the conclusion of the second act. The clapping ofhands, the whistling and noise that ensued for a few minutes, appearedto astonish Tallyho. "I don't much like my seat, " said Dashall. "No, "said Sparkle, "I did not much expect you would remain long--you are amighty ambitious sort of fellow, and I perceive you have a desire to beexalted. "

"I confess the situation, is too confined, " replied Tom--"come, it isexcessively warm here, let us take a turn and catch a little air. "

The House was crowded in every part; for the announcement of a newTragedy from the pen of Lord Byron, particularly under the circumstancesof its introduction to the Stage, against the expressed inclination ofits Author, the

 1 At an early hour on the evening this Tragedy was first pro-duced at Drury Lane, Hand-bills were plentifully distributed through the Theatre, of which the following is a copy:

 "The public are respectfully informed, that the representation of Lord Byron's Tragedy, The Doge of Venice, this evening, takes place in defiance of the injunction from the Lord Chancellor, which was not applied for until the remonstrance of the Publisher, at the earnest desire of the noble Author, had failed in protecting that Drama from its intrusion on the Stage, for which it was never intended. "

 This announcement had the effect of exciting public expectation beyond its usual pitch upon such occasions. The circumstances were somewhat new in the history of the Drama: the question being, whether a published Flay could be legally brought on the Stage without the consent, or rather we should say, in defiance of the Author. "We are not aware whether this question has been absolutely decided, but this we do know, that the Piece was performed several nights, and underwent all the puffing of the adventurous Manager, as well as all the severity of the Critics. The newspapers of the day were filled with histories and observations upon it. No subject engrossed the conversation of the polite and play-going part of the community but Lord Byron, The Doge of Venice, and Mr. Elliston. They were all bepraised and beplastered--exalted and debased--acquitted and condemned; but it was generally allowed on all hands, that the printed Tragedy contained many striking beauties, notwithstanding its alleged resemblance to Venice Preserved. We are, however, speaking of the acted Tragedy, and the magnanimous Manager, who with such promptitude produced it in an altered shape; and having already alluded to the theatrical puffing so constantly resorted to upon all occasions, we shall drop the curtain upon the subject, after merely remarking, that the Times of the same day has been known to contain the Manager's puff, declaring the piece to have been received with rapturous applause, in direct opposition to the Editor's critique, which as unequivocally pronounced its complete failure!

~133~~will of its publisher, and the injunction{1} of the LordChancellor, were attractions of no ordinary nature; and

 1 Injunction--The word injunction implies a great deal, and has in its sound so much of the terrific, as in many instances to paralyze exertion on the part of the supposed offending person or persons. It has been made the instrument of artful, designing, and malicious persons, aided by pettifogging or pretended attorneys, to obtain money for themselves and clients by way of compromise; and in numerous instances it is well known that fear has been construed into actual guilt. Injunctions are become so common, that even penny printsellers have lately issued threats, and promised actual proceedings, against the venders of articles said to be copies from their original drawings, and even carried it so far as to withhold (kind souls!) the execution of their promises, upon the payment of a 5L. From those who were easily to be duped, having no inclination to encounter the glorious uncertainty of the law, or no time to spare for litigation. We have recently been furnished with a curious case which occurred in Utopia, where it appears by our informant, that the laws hold great similarity with our own. A certain house of considerable respectability had imported a large quantity of Welsh cheese, which were packed in wooden boxes, and offered them for sale (a great rarity in Eutopia) as double Gloucester. 

 It is said that two of a trade seldom agree; how far the adage may apply to Eutopia, will be seen in the sequel. A tradesman, residing in the next street, a short time after, received an importation from Gloucester, of the favourite double production of that place, packed in a similar way, and (as was very natural for a tradesman to do, at least we know it is so here, ) the latter immediately began to vend his cheese as the real Double Gloucester. This was an offence beyond bearing. The High Court of Equity was moved, similar we suppose to our High Court of Chancery, to suppress the sale of the latter; but as no proof of deception could be produced, it was not granted. This only increased the flame already excited in the breasts of the first importers; every effort was made use of to find a good and sufficient excuse to petition the Court again, and at length they found out one of the craft to swear, that as the real Gloucester had been imported in boxes of a similar shape, make, and wood, it was quite evident that the possessor must have bought similar cheeses, and was imposing on the public to their great disadvantage, notwithstanding they could not find a similarity either of taste, smell, or appearance. In the mean time the real Gloucester cheese became a general favourite with the inhabit-ants of Utopia, and upon this, though slender ground, the innocent tradesman was served with a process, enjoining him not to do that, which, poor man, he never intended to do; and besides if he had, the people of that country were not such ignoramuses as to be so deceived; it was merely to restrain him from selling his own real double Gloucester as their Welsh cheeses, purporting, as they did, to be double Gloucester, or of mixing them together (than which nothing could be further from his thoughts, ) and charging him at the same time with having sold his cheeses under their name. But the most curious part of the business was, the real cheeseman brought the investigation before the Court, cheeses in boxes were produced, and evidence was brought forward, when, as the charges alleged could not be substantiated, the restraint was removed, and the three importers of Welsh cheese hung their heads, and retired in dudgeon. 

134~~the Hon. Tom availed himself of the circumstance to leave the Box, though the truth was, there were other attractions of a more enliveningcast in his view. 

"Come, " said he, "we shall have a better opportunity of seeing theHouse, and its decorations, by getting nearer to the curtain; besides, Ave shall have a bird's-eye view of the company in all quarters, fromthe seat of the Gods to the Pit. "

The influx of company, (it being the time of half-price), and therush and confusion which took place in all parts at this moment, wereindescribable. Jumping over boxes and obtaining seats by any means, regardless of politeness or even of decorum--Bucks and Bloods warmfrom the pleasures of the bottle--dashing Belles and flaming Beaux, squabbling and almost fighting--rendered the amusements before thecurtain of a momentary interest, which appeared to obliterate therecollection of what they had previously witnessed. In the mean time, the Gods in the Gallery issued forth an abundant variety of discordantsounds, from their elevated situation. Growling of bears, grunting ofhogs, braying of donkeys, gobbling of turkeys, hissing of geese, the catcall, and the loud shrill whistle, were heard in one minglingconcatenation of excellent imitation and undistinguished variety: Duringwhich, Tom led the way to the upper Boxes, where upon arriving, hewas evidently disappointed at not meeting the party who had beenseen occupying a seat on the left side of the House, besides havingsacrificed a front seat, to be now compelled to take one at the veryback part of a side Box, an exchange by no means advantageous for a viewof the performance. However, this was compensated in some degree by amore extensive prospect round the House; and his eyes were seen movingin all directions, without seeming to know where to fix, while Sparkleand Bob were attracted by a fight in the Gallery, between a Soldier anda Gentleman's Servant in livery, for some supposed ~135~~insult offeredto the companion of the latter, and which promised serious resultsfrom the repeated vociferations of those around them, of "Throw 'emover--throw 'em over;" while the gifts of the Gods were plentifullyshowered down upon the inhabitants of the lower regions in the shapeof orange-peelings, apples, &c. The drawing up of the curtain howeverseemed to have some little effect upon the audience, and in a moment theBabel of tongues was changed into a pretty general cry of "Down--downin the front--hats off--silence, &c. Which at length subsided in everyquarter but the Gallery, where still some mutterings and murmurings wereat intervals to be heard. 

 "----one fiddle will Produce a tiny flourish still. "

Sparkle could neither see nor hear the performance--Tom was whollyengaged in observing the company, and Bob alternately straining his neckto get a view of the Stage, and then towards the noisy inhabitants ofthe upper regions. "We dined at the Hummums, " said a finicking littleGentleman just below him--"Bill, and I, and Harry--drank claret likefishes--Harry was half-sprung--fell out with a Parson about choppinglogic; you know Harry's father was a butcher, and used to chopping, so it was all prime--the Parson would'n't be convinced, though Harryknock'd down his argument with his knuckles on the table, almost hardenough to split it--it was a bang-up lark--Harry got in a passion, doff'd his toggery, and was going to show fight--so then the Parsonsneak'd off--Such a bit of gig. '"

"Silence there, behind. "

"So then, " continued the Dandy, "we went to the Billiard-rooms, in FleetStreet, played three games, diddled the Flats, bilk'd the Marker, andbolted--I say, when did you see Dolly?"{1}

 1 To the frequenters of Drury-lane Theatre, who occasionally lounge away a little of their time between the acts in sipping soda-water, negus, &c. The party here alluded to cannot but be well known--we mean particularly the laffing- boys and the lads of the village. We are aware that fictitious names are assumed or given to the Ladies of Saloon notoriety, originating in particular circum-stances, and we have reason to believe that Dolly K----lly has been so denominated from the propensity she almost invariably manifests of painting, as remarked particularly by one of the parties in conversation. 

~136~~"Last night, " replied the other--"she'll be herepresently--d----nd fine girl, arn't she?"

"Very well, " said the first; "a nice plump face, but then she paintsso d--n--bly, I hate your painted Dollys, give me natural flesh andblood--Polly H--ward for me. "

"Gallows Tom{1} will speak to you in plain terms if you trespass there, my boy; you know he has out-general'd the Captain in that quarter, andcame off victorious, so----"

"Come, " said Sparkle, "let us adjourn into the Saloon, for, Heavenknows, it is useless staying here. " And taking their arms, theyimmediately left the Box. 

"The theatre, " continued he, "is a sort of enchanted island, wherenothing appears as it really is, nor what it should be. In London, it isa sort of time-killer, or exchange of looks and smiles. It is frequentedby persons of all degrees and qualities whatsoever. Here Lords cometo laugh and be laughed at--Knights to learn the amorous smirk anda-la-mode grin, the newest fashion in the cut of his garments, the twistof his body, and the adjustment of his phiz. 

"This House{2} was built upon a grand and extensive scale, designed andexecuted under the inspection of Mr. Benj. Wyatt, the architect, whoseskill was powerfully and liberally aided by an intelligent and publicspirited Committee, of which the late Mr. Whitbread was the Chairman. Itis altogether a master-piece of art, and an ornament to the Metropolis. You perceive the interior is truly delightful, and the exterior presentsthe idea of solidity and security: it affords sitting room for 2810persons, that is, 1200 in the Boxes, 850 in the Pit, 480

 1 It appears that the adoption of fictitious names is not wholly confined to the female visitors of these regions of fashion and folly. Gallows Tom is a character well known, and is a sort of general friend, at all times full of fun, fire, and spirit. We have not been able to discover whether he holds any official situation under government, though it is generally believed he is safely anchored under the croum, a stanch friend to the British constitution--probably more so than to his own. And we should judge from what is to be inferred from the conversation overheard, that he is the acknowledged friend of Miss H----d. Capt. T----pe is supposed to hold a Commission in the Navy, a gay and gallant frequenter of the Saloon, and, till a short time back, the chere ami of Miss H----d. 

 2 The building of this Theatre was completed for 112, 000L. Including lamps, furniture, &c. 125, 000L. ; and including scent ry, wardrobe, properties, &c. 150, 000L. 

~137~~in the Lower Gallery, and 280 in the Upper Gallery. The talents ofthe celebrated Mr. Kean (who has recently left us for the shores of theAtlantic) first blazed forth to astonish the world beneath this roof. Old Drury immortalized the name of Garrick, and has also established thefame of Mr. Kean; and the House at the present moment has to boast of acombination of histrionic{1} talent, rich and excellent. "

"Come along, come along, " said Tom, interrupting him, "leave theseexplanations for another opportunity--here is the Saloon. Now for a peepat old particulars. There is no seeing nor hearing the Play--I have noinclination for histories, I am just alive for a bit of gig. "

On entering the Saloon, Bob was additionally gratified at viewingthe splendour of its decorations. The arched ceiling, the two massyCorinthian columns of _vera antique_, and the ten correspondingpilasters on each side, struck him as particularly beautiful, and he wasfor some moments lost in contemplation, while his friends Sparkle andTom were in immediate request to receive the congratulations of theiracquaintance. 

"Where the d----l have you been to?" was the first question addressedto Dashall--"rusticating, I suppose, to the serious loss of all polishedsociety. "

"You are right in the first part of your reply, " said Tom; "but, as Iconceive, not exactly so in the inference you draw from it. "

"Modesty, by Jove! well done Dashall, this travelling appears to improveyour manners wonderfully; and I dare say if you had staid away anothermonth, your old friends would not have known you. "

This created a laugh among the party, which roused Bob from his reverie, who, turning round rather hastily, trod with considerable force uponthe gouty toe of an old debauchee in spectacles, who, in the heightof ecstasy, was at that moment entering into a treaty of amity with apretty rosy-faced little girl, and chucking her under the

 1 The names of Elliston, Pope, Johnston, Powell, Dowton, Munden, Holland, Wallack, Knight, T. Cooke, Oxberry, Smith, Bromley, &c. Are to be found on the male list of Performers, and it is sincerely to be hoped that of Mr. Kean will not long be absent. The females are, Mrs. Davison, Mrs. Glover, Miss Kelly, Mrs. Bland, Mrs. Orger, Mrs. Sparks, Miss Wilson, Miss Byrne, Miss Cubitt, &c. 

~138~~chin, as a sort of preliminary, to be succeeded by a ratification;for in all probability gratification was out of the question. Howeverthis might be, the pain occasioned by the sudden movement of Tallyho, who had not yet learned to trip it lightly along the _mutton walk_, {1}induced the sufferer to roar out most lustily, a circumstance whichimmediately attracted the attention of every one in the room, and in amoment they were surrounded by a group of lads and lasses. 

[Illustration: page138 Tom and Bob at Drury Lane]

"Upon my soul, Sir, " stammer'd out Bob, "I beg your pardon, I--I--didnot mean--"

"Oh! oh! oh!" continued the gouty Amoroso. Mother K----p{2} camerunning like lightning with a glass of water; the frail sisterhoodwere laughing, nodding, whispering, and winking at each other; whileSt----ns, {3} who pick'd up the spectacles the unfortunate victim ofthe gout had dropp'd, swore that fellow in the green coat and whitehat ought to be sent to some dancing-school, to learn to step withoutkicking people's shins. 

Another declared he was a Johnny-raw, {4} just catched, and what could beexpected. 

Tom, who, however, kept himself alive to the passing occurrences, stepping up to Bob, was immediately recognized by all around him, andpassing a significant wink, declared it was an accident, and begged toassist the Old Buck to a seat, which being accomplished, he declaredhe had not had his shoe on for a week, but as he found himself able towalk, he could not resist the temptation of taking a look around him. 

Over a bottle of wine the unpleasant impressions made by thisunfortunate occurrence appeared to be removed. In the mean time, Tomreceived a hundred congratulations and salutations; while Sparkle, aftera glass or two, was missing. 

Dashall informed the friends around him, that his Cousin was a pupil ofhis, and begged to introduce him

 1 Mutton Walk--A flash term recently adopted to denominate the Saloon. 

 2 A well known fruit-woman, who is in constant attendance, well acquainted with the girls and their protectors, and ready upon all occasions to give or convey information for the benefit of both parties. 

 3 St----ns--A very pretty round-faced young lady-bird, of rather small figure, inclining to be lusty. 

 4 Johnny Raw--A country bumpkin. 

~139~~as a future visitor to this gay scene. This had an instantaneouseffect upon the trading fair ones, who began immediately to throw outtheir lures. One declared he had a sweet pretty brooch; another, thatshe knew he was a trump by the cut of his jib; a third, that he look'dlike a gentleman, for she liked the make of his mug; a fourth, that hishat was a very pretty shaped one, although it was of a radical colour;and while Tom and the ladybird{l} were soothing the pains of thegrey-headed wanton, Bob was as busily employed in handing about thecontents of the bottle. A second and a third succeeded, and it was nota little astonishing to him that every bottle improved his appearance;for, though not one of his admirers remained long with him, yet theabsence of one only brought another, equally attracted by his look andmanner: every one declared he was really a gentleman in every respect, and in the course of their short parley, did not fail to slip a cardinto his hand. By this time he began to grow chatty, and was enabledto rally in turn the observations they made. He swore he lov'd them allround, and once or twice hummed over, "Dear creatures, we can't do without them, They're all that is sweet and seducing to man, Looking, sighing about, and about them, We doat on them--do for them, all that we can. "

The play being over, brought a considerable influx of company intothe Saloon. The regular covies paired off with their covesses, and themoving panorama of elegance and fashion presented a scene that was trulydelightful to Bob. 

The Ladybird, who had been so attentive to the gouty customer, nowwished him a good night, for, said she, "There is my friend, {2} and so Iam off. " This seemed only to increase the agony of his already agonizedtoe, notwithstanding which he presently toddled off, and was seen nomore for the evening. 

"What's become of Sparkle, " enquired Tom. "Stole away, " was the reply. 

"Tipp'd us the double, has he, " said Dashall. "Well, what think you ofDrury-lane?"

 1 Lady-bird--A dashing Cyprian. 

 2 The term friend is in constant use among accessible ladies, and signifies their protector or keeper. 

~140~~"'Tis a very delightful tragedy indeed, but performed in the mostcomical manner I ever witnessed in my life. "

"Pshaw!" said Bob, "very few indeed, except the critics and the plebs, come here to look at the play; they come to see and be seen. "

"Egad then, " said Bob, "a great many have been gratified to-night, andperhaps I have been highly honoured, for every person that has passed mehas complimented me with a stare. "

"Which of course you did not fail to return?"

"Certainly not; and upon my soul you have a choice show of fruit here. "

"Yes, " continued Tom, "London is a sort of hot-house, where fruit isforced into ripeness by the fostering and liberal sun of Folly, soonerthan it would be, if left to its natural growth. Here however, youobserve nothing but joyful and animated features, while perhaps thevulture of misery is gnawing at the heart. I could give you histories ofseveral of these unfortunates, {1}

 1 A life of prostitution is a life fraught with too many miseries to be collected in any moderate compass. The mode in which they are treated, by parties who live upon the produce of their infamy, the rude and boisterous, nay, often brutal manner in which they are used by those with whom they occasionally associate, and the horrible reflections of their own minds, are too frequently and too fatally attempted to be obliterated by recourse to the Bacchanalian fount. Reason becomes obscured, and all decency and propriety abandoned. Passion rules predominantly until it extinguishes itself, and leaves the wretched victim of early delusion, vitiated both in body and mind, to drag on a miserable existence, without character, without friends, and almost without hope. There is unfortunately, however, no occasion for the exercise of imagination on this subject. The annals of our police occurrences, furnish too many examples of actual circumstances, deeply to be deplored; and we have selected one of a most atrocious kind which recently took place, and is recorded as follows:--

 _Prostitution_. 

 "An unfortunate girl, apparently about eighteen years of age, and of the most interesting and handsome person, but whose attire indicated extreme poverty and distress, applied to the sitting magistrate, Richard Bimie, Esq. Under the following circum-stances:--It appeared from the statement, that she had for the last three weeks been living at a house of ill fame in Exeter-street, Strand, kept by a man named James Locke: this wretch had exacted the enormous sum of three guineas per week for her board and lodging, and in consequence of her not being able to pay the sum due for the last week, he threatened to strip her of her cloaths, and turn her naked into the street. This threat he deferred executing until yesterday morning (having in the mean time kept her locked up in a dark room, without any covering whatever, ) when in lieu of her cloaths, he gave her the tattered and loathsome garments she then appeared in, which were barely sufficient to preserve common decency, and then brutally turned her into the street. Being thus plunged into the most abject wretchedness, without money or friends, to whom she could apply in her present situation, her bodily strength exhausted by the dissipated life she had led, and rendered more so by a long abstinence from food; her spirits broken and overcome by the bitter and humiliating reflection, that her own guilty conduct debarred her from flying to the fostering arms of affectionate parents, whom she had loaded with disgrace and misery; and the now inevitable exposure of her infamy, it was some time ere her wandering senses were sufficiently composed to determine what course she should pursue in the present emergency, when she thought she could not do better than have recourse to the justice of her country against the villain Lock, who had so basely treated her; and after extreme pain and difficulty, she succeeded in dragging her enfeebled limbs to the Office. During the detail of the foregoing particulars, she seemed overwhelmed with shame and remorse, and at times sobbed so violently as to render her voice inarticulate. Her piteous case excited the attention and sympathy of all present; and it was much to the general satisfaction that Mr. Bimie ordered Humphries, one of the conductors of the Patrol, to fetch Lock to the Office. On being brought there, the necessary proceedings were gone into for the purpose of indicting the house as a common brothel. 

 "It was afterwards discovered that this unhappy girl was of the most respectable parents, and for the last six years had been residing with her Aunt. About three months ago, some difference having arisen between them, she absconded, taking with her only a few shillings, and the clothes she then wore. The first night of her remaining from home she went to Drury-lane Theatre, and was there pick'd up by a genteel woman dressed in black, who having learned her situation, enticed her to a house in Hart-street, Covent-garden, where the ruin of the poor girl was finally effected. It was not until she had immersed herself in vice and folly that she reflected on her situation, and it was then too late to retract; and after suffering unheard of miseries, was, in the short space of three months, reduced to her present state of wretchedness. 

 "The worthy Magistrate ordered that proper care should be taken of the girl, which was readily undertaken on the part of the parish. 

 "The Prisoner set up a defence, in which he said, a friend of the girl's owed him 14L. And that he detained her clothes for it--but was stopped by Mr. Bimie. 

 "He at first treated the matter very lightly; but on perceiving the determination on the part of the parish to proceed, he offered to give up the things. This however he was not allowed to do. "

(who are exercising all their arts to entrap customers) apparently fullof life and vivacity, who perhaps dare not approach ~142~~their homeswithout the produce of their successful blandishments. But this is not aplace for moralizing--a truce to Old Care and the Blue Devils--Come on, my boy, let us take a turn in the Lobby--

 "Banish sorrow, griefs a folly; Saturn, bend thy wrinkled brow; Get thee hence, dull Melancholy, Mirth and wine invite us now. 

 Love displays his mine of treasure, Comus brings us mirth and song!; Follow, follow, follow pleasure, Let us join the jovial throng. "

Upon this they adjourned to the Lobby, where a repetition of similarcircumstances took place, with only this difference, that Tally hohaving already been seen in the Saloon, and now introduced, leaning uponthe arm of his Cousin, the enticing goddesses of pleasure hungaround them at every step, every one anxious to be foremost in theirassiduities to catch the new-comer's smile; and the odds were almost acornucopia to a cabbage-net that Bob would be hook'd. 

Tom was still evidently disappointed, and after pacing the Lobby once ortwice, and whispering Bob to make his observations the subject of futureinquiry, they returned to the Saloon, where Sparkle met them almost outof breath, declaring he had been hunting them in all parts of the Housefor the last half hour. 

Tom laugh'd heartily at this, and complimented Sparkle on the ingenuitywith which he managed his affairs. "But I see how it is, " said he, "andI naturally suppose you are engaged. "

"'Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind, ' and I perceive clearly thatyou are only disappointed that you are not engaged--where are all your_golden_{1} dreams now?"

"Pshaw! there is no such thing as speaking to you, " said Tom, ratherpeevishly, "without feeling a lash like a cart-whip. "

 1 This was a touch of the satirical which it appears did not exactly suit the taste of Dashall, as it applied to the Ladybird who had attracted his attention on entering the house. 

~143~~"Merely in return, " continued Sparkle, "for the genteel, not tosay gentle manner, in which you handle the horse-whip. "

"There is something very mulish in all this, " said Bob, interrupting theconversation, "I don't understand it. "

"Nor I neither, " said Tom, leaving the arm of his Cousin, and steppingforward. 

This hasty dismissal of the subject under debate had been occasioned bythe appearance of a Lady, whose arm Tom immediately took upon leavingthat of his cousin, a circumstance which seemed to restore harmony toall parties. Tallyho and Sparkle soon joined them, and after a few turnsfor the purpose of seeing, and being seen, it was proposed to adjournto the Oyster-shop directly opposite the front of the Theatre; and withthat view they in a short time departed, but not without an addition oftwo other ladies, selected from the numerous frequenters of the Saloon, most of whom appeared to be well known both to Tom and Sparkle. 

The appearance of the outside was very pleasing--the brilliance of thelights--the neat and cleanly style in which its contents were displayedseemed inviting to appetite, and in a very short time a cheerful repastwas served up; while the room was progressively filling with company, and Mother P----was kept in constant activity. 

Bob was highly gratified with the company, and the manner in which theywere entertained. 

A vast crowd of dashing young Beaux and elegantly dressed Belles, calling about them for oysters, lobsters, salmon, shrimps, breadand butter, soda-water, ginger-beer, &c. Kept up a sort of runningaccompaniment to the general conversation in which they were engaged;when the mirth and hilarity of the room was for a moment delayed uponthe appearance of a dashing Blade, who seemed as he entered to say tohimself, "Plebeians, avaunt! I have altered my plan, Metamorphosed completely, behold a Fine Man! That is, throughout town I am grown quite the rage, The meteor of fashion, the Buck of the age. "

He was dressed in the extreme of fashion, and seemed desirous ofimparting the idea of his great importance to all around him: he hada light-coloured great-coat with immense mother o' pearl buttonsand double ~144~~capes, Buff or Petersham breeches, and coat of_sky-blue_, {1} his hat cocked on one side, and stout ground-ashen stickin his hand. It was plain to be seen that the juice of the grape hadbeen operative upon the upper story, as he reeled to the further end ofthe room, and, calling the attendant, desired her to bring him a bottleof soda-water, for he was _lushy_, {2} by G----d; then throwing himselfinto a box, which he alone occupied, he stretched himself at length onthe seat, and seemed as if he would go to sleep. 

"That (said Sparkle) is a distinguished Member of the Tilbury Club, andis denominated a Ruffian, a kind of character that gains ground, as tonumbers, over the Exquisite, but he is very different in polish. 

 1 A partiality to these coloured habits is undoubtedly intended to impress upon the minds of plebeian beholders an exalted idea of their own consequence, or to prove, perhaps, that their conceptions are as superior to common ones as the sky is to the earth. 

 2 The variety of denominations that have at different times been given to drunkenness forms an admirable specimen of ingenuity well worthy of remark. The derivation of Lushy, we believe, is from a very common expression, that a drunken man votes for Lushington; but perhaps it would be rather difficult to discover the origin of many terms made use of to express a jolly good fellow, and no flincher under the effects of good fellowship. It is said--that he is drunk, intoxicated, fuddled, muddled, flustered, rocky, reely, tipsy, merry, half-boosy, top-heavy, chuck-full, cup-sprung, pot-valiant, maudlin, a little how came you so, groggy, jolly, rather mightitity, in drink, in his cups, high, in uubibus, under the table, slew'd, cut, merry, queer, quisby, sew'd up, over-taken, elevated, cast away, concerned, half- coek'd, exhilarated, on a merry pin, a little in the suds, in a quandary, wing'd as wise as Solomon. 

It is also said, that he has business on both sides of the way, got hislittle hat on, bung'd his eye, been in the sun, got a spur in his head, (this is frequently used by brother Jockeys to each other) got a crumbin his beard, had a little, had enough, got more than he can carry, beenamong the Philistines, lost his legs, been in a storm, got his night-capon, got his skin full, had a cup too much, had his cold tea, a red eye, got his dose, a pinch of snuff in his wig, overdone it, taken draps, taking a lunar, sugar in his eye, had his wig oil'd, that he is diddled, dish'd and done up. 

He clips the King's English, sees double, reels, heels a little, heelsand sets, shews his hob-nails, looks as if he couldn't help it, takes anobservation, chases geese, loves a drap, and cannot sport a right line, can't walk a chalk. 

He is as drunk as a piper, drunk as an owl, drunk as David's sow, drunkas a lord, fuddled as an ape, merry as a grig, happy as a king. 

145~~"In the higher circles, a Ruffian is one of the manymushroom-productions which the sun of prosperity brings to life. Stoutin general is his appearance, but Dame Nature has done little for him, and Fortune has spoilt even that little. To resemble his groom and hiscoachman is his highest ambition. He is a perfect horseman, a perfectwhip, but takes care never to be a perfect gentleman. His principalaccomplishments are sporting, swaggering, milling, drawing, andgreeking. {1} He takes the ribands in his hands, mounts his box, withMissus by his side--"All right, ya hip, my hearties"--drives his emptymail with four prime tits--cuts out a Johnny-raw--shakes his head, andlolls out his tongue at him; and if he don't break his own neck, getssafe home after his morning's drive. 

"He is always accompanied by a brace at least of dogs in his morningvisits; and it is not easy to determine on these occasions which is themost troublesome animal of the two, the biped or the quadruped. "

This description caused a laugh among the Ladybirds, who thought itvastly amusing, while it was also listened to with great attention byTallyho. 

The Hon. Tom Dashall in the mean time was in close conversation with hismott{2} in the corner of the Box, and was getting, as Sparkle observed, "rather nutty{3} in that quarter of the globe. "

The laugh which concluded Sparkle's account of the Tilbury-club manroused him from his sleep, and also attracted the attention of Tom andhis inamorata. 

"D----n my eyes, " said the fancy cove, as he rubbed open hispeepers, {4}" am I awake or asleep?--what a h----ll of a light thereis!"

 1 Greeking--An epithet generally applied to gambling and gamblers, among the polished hells of society, principally to be found in and near St. James's: but of this more hereafter. 

 2 Mott--A blowen, or woman of the town. We know not from whom or whence the word originated, but we recollect some lines of an old song in which the term is made use of, viz. 

 "When first I saw this flaming Mutt, 'Twas at the sign of the Pewter Pot; We call'd for some Purl, and we had it hot, With Gin and Bitters too. "

 3 Nutty--Amorous. 

 4 An elegant and expressive term for the eyes. 

~146~~This was followed immediately by the rattling of an engine withtwo torches, accompanied by an immense concourse of people following itat full speed past the window. 

"It is well lit, by Jove, " said the sleeper awake, "where ever it is;"and with that he tipp'd the _slavey_{1}1 a tanner, {2} and mizzled. 

The noise and confusion outside of the House completely put a stop toall harmony and comfort within. 

"It must be near us, " said Tom. 

"It is Covent Garden Theatre, in my opinion, " said Sparkle. 

Bob said nothing, but kept looking about him in a sort

of wild surprise. 

"However, " said Tom, "wherever it is, we must go and have a peep. "

"You are a very gallant fellow, truly, " said one of the bewitchers--"Ithought--"

"And so did I, " said Tom--"but 'rest the babe--the time it shallcome'--never mind, we won't be disappointed; but here, (said he) as Ibelong to the Tip and Toddle Club, I don't mean to disgrace my calling, by forgetting my duty. " And slipping a something into her hand, her notewas immediately changed into, "Well, I always thought you was a trump, and I likes a man that behaveslike a gentleman. "

Something of the same kind was going on between the other two, whichproved completely satisfactory. 

"So then, Mr. Author, it seems you have raised a fire to stew theoysters, and leave your Readers to feast upon the blaze. "

"Hold for a moment, and be not so testy, and for your satisfaction I cansolemnly promise, that if the oysters are stewed, you shall have goodand sufficient notice of the moment they are to be on table--But, blessmy heart, how the fire rages!--I can neither spare time nor wind toparley a moment longer--Tom and Bob have already started off with thevelocity of a race-horse, and if I lose them, I should cut but a poorfigure with my Readers afterward. 

"Pray, Sir, can you tell me where the fire is?" 'Really, Sir, I don'tknow, but I am told it is somewhere by Whitechapel. '

 1 Slaveys--Servants of either sex. 

 2 Tanner--A flash term for a sixpence. 

~147~~"Could you inform me Madam, whereabouts the fire is?"

'Westminster Road, Sir, as I am informed. ' "Westminster, andWhitechapel--some little difference of opinion I find as usual--however, I have just caught sight of Tom, and he's sure to be on the right scent;so adieu, Mr. Reader, for the present, and have no doubt but I shallsoon be able to throw further light on the subject. "

CHAPTER XI

 "Some folks in the streets, by the Lord, made me stare, So comical, droll, is the dress that they wear, For the Gentlemen's waists are atop of their backs, And their large cassock trowsers they tit just like sacks. Then the Ladies--their dresses are equally queer, They wear such large bonnets, no face can appear: It puts me in mind, now don't think I'm a joker, Of a coal-scuttle stuck on the head of a poker. In their bonnets they wear of green leaves such a power, It puts me in mind of a great cauliflower; And their legs, 1 am sure, must be ready to freeze, For they wear all their petticoats up to their knees. They carry large bags full of trinkets and lockets, 'Cause the fashion is now not to wear any pockets; "While to keep off the flies, and to hide from beholders, A large cabbage-net is thrown over their shoulders. "

~148~~IN a moment all was consternation, confusion, and alarm. Thebrilliant light that illuminated the surrounding buildings presenteda scene of dazzling splendour, mingled with sensations of horrornot easily to be described. The rattling of engines, the flashing oftorches, and the shouting of thousands, by whom they were followed andsurrounded, all combined to give lively interest to the circumstance. 

It was quickly ascertained that the dreadful conflagration had takenplace at an extensive Timber-yard, within a very short distance ofthe Theatres, situated as it were nearly in the centre, between CoventGarden and Drury Lane. Men, women, and children, were seen running inall directions; and report, with his ten thousand tongues, here found anopportunity for the exercise of them all; assertion and denial followedeach other in rapid succession, while the flames continued to increase. Our party being thus abruptly disturbed in their anticipated enjoyments, bade adieu to their Doxies, {1}

 1 Doxies--A flash term frequently made use of to denominate ladies of easy virtue. 

~149~~and rushed forward to the spot, where they witnessed the devouringravages of the yet unquenched element, consuming with resistless forceall that came in its way. 

"Button up, " said Tom, "and let us keep together, for upon theseoccasions, "The Scamps, {1} the Pads, {2} the Divers, {3} are all upon the lay. "{4}

The Flash Molishers, {5} in the vicinity of Drury Lane, were out inparties, and it was reasonable to suppose, that where there was so muchheat, considerable thirst must also prevail; consequently the Sluicerieswere all in high request, every one of those in the neighbourhood beingable to boast of overflowing Houses, without any imputation upon theirveracity. We say nothing of elegant genteel, or enlightened audiences, so frequently introduced in the Bills from other houses in theneighbourhood; even the door-ways were block'd up with the collectorsand imparters of information. Prognostications as to how and where itbegan, how it would end, and the property that would be consumed, wereto be met at every corner--Snuffy Tabbies, and Boosy Kids, some givingway to jocularity, and others indulging in lamentations. 

"Hot, hot, hot, all hot, " said a Black man, as he pushed in and outamong the crowd; with "Hoot awa', the de'il tak your soul, mon, don'tyou think we are all hot eneugh?--gin ye bring more hot here I'll crackyour croon--I've been roasting alive for the last half hoor, an' want tobe ganging, but I can't get out. "

"Hot, hot, hot, all hot, Ladies and Gentlemen, " said the dingy dealerin delicacies, and almost as soon disappeared among the crowd, where hefound better opportunities for vending his rarities. 

"Lumps of pudding, " said Tom, jerking Tallyho by the arm, "what do youthink of a slice? here's accommodation for you--all hot, ready dress'd, and well done. "

"Egad!" said Bob, "I think we shall be well done ourselves presently. "

"Keep your hands out of my pockets, you lousy beggar, "

 1 Scamps--Highwaymen. 

 2 Pads--Foot-pads. 

 3 Divers--Pickpockets. 

 4 The Lay--Upon the look-out for opportunities for the exercise of their profession. 

 5 Flash Molishers--a term given to low Prostitutes. 

~150~~said a tall man standing near them, "or b---- me if I don't millyou. "

"You mill me, vhy you don't know how to go about it, Mr. Bully Brag, andI doesn't care half a farden for you--you go for to say as how I--"

"Take that, then, " said the other, and gave him a floorer; but he wasprevented from falling by those around him. 

The salute was returned in good earnest, and a random sort of fightensued. The accompaniments of this exhibition were the shrieks of thewomen, and the shouts of the partisans of each of the Bruisers--thecries of "Go it, little one--stick to it--tip it him--sarve himout--ring, ring--give 'em room--foul, foul--fair, fair, " &c. " At thismoment the Firemen, who had been actively engaged in endeavours tosubdue the devouring flames, obtained a supply of water: the engineswere set to work, and the Foreman directed the pipe so as to throw thewater completely into the mob which had collected round them. This hadthe desired effect of putting an end to the squabble, and dispersinga large portion of the multitude, at least to some distance, so as toleave good and sufficient room for their operations. 

"The Devil take it, " cried Sparkle, "I am drench'd. "

"Ditto repeated, " said Tom. 

"Curse the fellow, " cried Bob, "I am sopp'd. "

"Never mind, " continued Tom, . . . "By fellowship in woe, Scarce half our pain we know. "

"Since we are all in it, there is no laughing allowed. "

In a short time, the water flowed through the street in torrents; thepumping of the engines, and the calls of the Firemen, were allthe noises that could be heard, except now and then the arrival ofadditional assistance. 

Bob watched minutely the skill and activity of those robust and hardymen, who were seen in all directions upon the tops of houses, &c. Nearthe calamitous scene, giving information to those below; and he wasastonished to see the rapidity with which they effected their object. 

Having ascertained as far as they could the extent of the damage, and that no lives were lost, Tom proposed a move, and Sparkle gladlyseconded the motion--"for, " said he, "I am so wet, though I cannotcomplain of being ~151~~cold, that I think I resemble the fat man whoseemed something like two single gentlemen roll'd into one, ' and 'whoafter half a year's baking declared he had been so cursed hot, he wassure he'd caught cold;' so come along. "

"Past twelve o'clock, " said a Charley, about three parts sprung, andwho appeared to have more light in his head than he could shew from hislantern. 

"Stop thief, stop thief, " was vociferated behind them; and the nightmusic, the rattles, were in immediate use in several quarters--a rush ofthe crowd almost knock'd Bob off his pins, and he would certainly havefell to the ground, but his nob{l} came with so much force against thebread-basket{2} of the groggy guardian of the night, that he was turn'dkeel upwards, {3} and rolled with his lantern, staff, and rattle, intothe overflowing kennel; a circumstance which perhaps had really nobad effect, for in all probability it brought the sober senses of theCharley a little more into action than the juice of the juniper hadpreviously allowed. He was dragged from his birth, and his coat, whichwas of the blanket kind, brought with it a plentiful supply of themoistening fluid, being literally sous'd from head to foot. 

Bob fished for the _darkey_{4}--the _musical instrument_{5}--and thepost of honour, alias the _supporter of peace_;{6} but he was not yetcomplete, for he had dropped his _canister-cap_, {7} which was at lengthfound by a flash molisher, and drawn from the pool, full of water, whoappeared to know him, and swore he was one of the best fellows on any ofthe beats round about; and that they had got hold of a Fire-prigger, {8}and bundled{9} him off to St. Giles's watch-house, because he wasbolting with a _bag of togs_. 

 1 Nob--The head. 

 2 Bread-basket--The stomach. 

 3 Keel upwards--Originally a sea phrase, and most in use among sailors, &c. 

 4 Darkey--Generally made use of to signify a dark lantern. 

 5 Musical instrument--a rattle. 

 6 Post of honour, or supporter of his peace--Stick, or cudgel. 

 7 "Canister-cap--& hat. 

 8 Fire-prigger--No beast of prey can be more noxious to society or destitute of feeling than those who plunder the unfortunate sufferers under that dreadful and destructive calamity, fire. The tiger who leaps on the unguarded passenger will fly from the fire, and the traveller shall be protected by it; while these wretches, who attend on fires, and rob the unfortunate sufferers under pretence of coming to give assistance, and assuming the style and manner of neighbours, take advantage of distress and confusion. Such wretches have a more eminent claim to the detestation of society, than almost any other of those who prey upon it. 

 9 Bundled--Took, or conveyed. 

~152~~The feeble old scout shook his dripping wardrobe, d----d thewater and the boosy kid that wallof'd him into it, but without appearingto know which was him; till Bob stepped up, and passing some silver intohis mawley, told him he hoped he was not hurt. And our party then, movedon in the direction for Russel-street, Covent-garden, when Sparkle againmentioned his wet condition, and particularly recommended a glass ofCogniac by way of preventive from taking cold. "A good motion well made(said Tom;) and here we are just by the Harp, where we can be fitted toa shaving; so come along. "

Having taken this, as Sparkle observed, very necessary precaution, they pursued their way towards Piccadilly, taking their route under thePiazzas of Covent-garden, and thence up James-street into Long-acre, where they were amused by a circumstance of no very uncommon kind inLondon, but perfectly new to Tallyho. Two Charleys had in close custodya sturdy young man (who was surrounded by several others, ) and wastaking him to the neighbouring watch-house "What is the matter?" saidTom. 

"Oh, 'tis only a little bit of a dead body-snatcher, " said one of theguardians. "He has been up to the resurrection rig. {1} Here, " continuedhe, "I've got the bone-basket, "

 1 Resurrection rig--This subject, though a grave one, has been treated by many with a degree of comicality calculated to excite considerable risibility. A late well known humorist has related the following anecdote:

 Some young men, who had been out upon the spree, returning home pretty well primed after drinking plentifully, found themselves so dry as they passed a public house where they were well known, they could not resist the desire they had of calling on their old friend, and taking a glass of brandy with him by way of finish, as they termed it; and finding the door open, though it was late, were tempted to walk in. But their old friend was out of temper. "What is the matter?"--"Matter enough, " replied Boniface; "here have I got an old fool of a fellow occupying my parlour dead drunk, and what the devil to do with him I don't know. He can neither walk nor speak. "

 "Oh, " said one of the party, who knew that a resurrection Doctor resided in the next street, "I'll remove that nuisance, if that's all you have to complain of; only lend me a sack, and I'll sell him. "

 A sack was produced, and the Bacchanalian, who almost appeared void of animation, was without much difficulty thrust into it. "Give me a lift, " said the frolicsome blade, and away he went with the load. On arriving at the doctor's door, he pulled the night bell, when the Assistant made his appearance, not un-accustomed to this sort of nocturnal visitant. 

~153~~holding up a bag, "and it was taken off his shoulder as he wentalong Mercer-street, so he can't say nothing at all. 

"I have brought you a subject--all right. "

"Come in. What is it, a man or a woman?"

"A man. "

"Down with him--that corner. D----n it, I was fast asleep. 

"Call for the sack in the morning, will you, for I want to get to bed. "

"With all my heart. "

Then going to a drawer, and bringing the customary fee, "Here, (said he)be quick and be off. " This was exactly what the other wanted; and havingsecured the rubbish, {1} the door was shut upon him. This, however, was no sooner done, than the Boosy Kid in the sack, feeling a suddeninternal turn of the contents of his stomach, which brought with it aheaving, fell, from the upright situation in which he had been placed, on the floor. This so alarmed the young Doctor, that he ran with allspeed after the vender, and just coming up to him at the corner of thestreet. 

"Why, (said he) you have left me a living man!"

"Never mind, (replied the other;) kill him when you want him. " Andmaking good use of his heels he quickly disappeared. 

A Comedian of some celebrity, but who is now too old for theatricalservice, relates a circumstance which occurred to him upon his firstarrival in town:--

Having entered into an engagement to appear upon the boards of one ofthe London Theatres, he sought the metropolis some short time before theopening of the House; and conceiving it necessary to his professionto study life--real life as it is, --he was accustomed to minglepromiscuously in almost all society. With this view he frequentlyentered the tap rooms of the lowest public houses, to enjoy his pipe andhis pint, keeping the main object always in view--

"To catch the manners living as they rise. "

Calling one evening at one of these houses, not far from Drury Lane, hefound some strapping fellows engaged in conversation, interlarded withmuch flash and low slang; but decently dressed, he mingled in a sort ofgeneral dialogue with them on the state of the weather, politics, &c. After sitting some time in their company, and particularly noticingtheir persons and apparent character--

 "Come, Bill, it is time to be off, it is getting rather darkish. " "Ah, very well (replied the other, ) let us have another quart, and then I am your man for a bit of a lark. " By this time they had learned that the Comedian was but newly arrived in town; and he on the other hand was desirous of seeing what they meant to be up to. After another quart they were about to move, when, said one to the other, "As we are only going to have a stroll and a bit of fun, perhaps that there young man would like to join us. "

 "Ah, what say you, Sir? have you any objection? but perhaps you have business on hand and are engaged--"

 "No, I have nothing particular to do, " was the reply. "Very well, then if you like to go with us, we shall be glad of your company. "

 "Well (said he, ) I don't care if I do spend an hour with you. " And with that they sallied forth. 

 After rambling about for some time in the vicinity of Tottenham Court Road, shewing him some of the Squares, &c. Describing the names of streets, squares, and buildings, they approached St. Giles's, and leading him under a gateway, "Stop, (said one) we must call upon Jack, you know, for old acquaintance sake, " and gave a loud knock at the door; which being opened without a word, they all walked in, and the door was instantly lock'd. He was now introduced to a man of squalid appearance, with whom they all shook hands: the mode of introduction was not however of so satis-factory a description as had been expected, being very laconic, and conveyed in the following language:--"We have got him. "

 "Yes, yes, it is all right--come, Jack, serve us out some grog, and then to business. "

 The poor Comedian in the mean time was left in the utmost anxiety and surprise to form an opinion of his situation; for as he had heard something about trepanning, pressing, &c. He could not help entertaining serious suspicion that he should either be com-pelled to serve as a soldier or a sailor; and as he had no intention "to gain a name in arms, " they were neither of them suitable to his inclinations. 

 "Come, " (said one) walk up stairs and sit down--Jack, bring the lush "--and up stairs they went. 

 Upon entering a gloomy room, somewhat large, with only a small candle, he had not much opportunity of discovering what sort of a place it was, though it looked wretched enough. The grog was brought--"Here's all round the grave- stone, (said one)--come, drink away, my hearty--don't be alarm'd, we are rum fellows, and we'll put you up to a rig or two--we are got a rum covey in the corner there, and you must lend us a hand to get rid of him:" then, holding up the light, what was the surprise of the poor Comedian to espy a dead body of a man--"You can help us to get him away, and by G----you shall, too, it's of no use to flinch now. "

 A circumstance of this kind was new to him, so that his perplexity was only increased by the discovery; but he plainly perceived by the last declaration, that having engaged in the business, it would be of no use to leave it half done: he therefore remained silent upon the subject, drank his grog, when Jack came up stairs to say the cart was ready. 

 "Lend a hand, (said one of them) let us get our load down stairs--come, my Master, turn to with a good heart, all's right. "

 With this the body was conveyed down stairs. 

 At the back of the house was a small yard separated from a neighbouring street by a wall--a signal was given by some one on the other side which was understood by those within-- it was approaching nine o'clock, and a dark night--"Come, (said one of them, ) mount you to the top of the wall, and ding the covey over to the carcass-carter. " This being complied with, the dead body was handed up to him, which was no sooner done than the Carman outside, perceiving the Watchman approach--"It von't do, " said he, and giving a whistle, drove his cart with an assumed air of carelessness away; while the poor Comedian, who had a new character to support, in which he did not conceive himself well up, {1} was holding the dead man on his lap with the legs projecting over the wall; it was a situation of the utmost delicacy and there was no time to recast the part, he was therefore, obliged to blunder through it as well as he could; the perspiration of the living man fell plentifully on the features of the dead as the Charley approached in a position to pass directly under him. Those inside had sought the shelter of the house, telling him to remain quiet till the old Scout was gone by. Now although he was not fully acquainted with the consequences of discovery, he was willing and anxious to avoid them: he therefore took the advice, and scarcely moved or breathed--"Past nine o'clock, " said the Watchman, as he passed under the legs of the dead body without looking up, though he was within an inch of having his castor brushed off by them. Being thus relieved, he was happy to see the cart return; he handed over the unpleasant burthen, and as quick as possible afterwards descended from his elevated situation into the street, determining at all hazards to see the result of this to him extraordinary adventure; with this view he followed the cart at a short distance, keeping his eye upon it as he went along; and in one of the streets leading to Long Acre, he perceived a man endeavouring to look into the back part of the cart, but was diverted from his object by one of the men who had introduced him to the house, while another of the confederates snatched the body from the cart, and ran with all speed down another street in an opposite direction. This movement had attracted the notice of the Watchman, who, being prompt in his movements, had sprung his rattle. Upon this, and feeling himself too heavily laden to secure his retreat, the fellow with the dead man perceiving the gate of an area open, dropped his burden down the steps, slam'd the gate after him, and continued to fly, but was stopped at the end of the street; in the mean time the Charley in pursuit had knock'd at the door of the house where the stolen goods (as he supposed) were deposited. 

 1 A cant phrase for money. 

 It was kept by an old maiden lady, who, upon discovering the dead body of a man upon her premises, had fainted in the Watchman's arms. The detection of the running Resurrectionist was followed by a walk to the watch-house, where his companions endeavoured to make it appear that they had all been dining at Wandsworth together, that he was not the person against whom the hue and cry had been raised. But _old Snoosey_{l} said it wouldn't do, and he was therefore detained to appear before the Magistrate in the morning. The Comedian, who had minutely watched their proceedings, took care to be at Bow-street in good time; where he found upon the affidavits of two of his comrades, who swore they had dined together at Wandsworth, their pal was liberated. 

 1 The Constable of the night. 

156~~Bob could not very well understand what was the meaning of thislingo; he was perfectly at a loss to comprehend the terms of deadbodysnatching and the resurrection rig. The crowd increased as they wentalong; and as they did not exactly relish their company, Sparkle led. Them across the way, and then proceeded to explain. 

"Why, " said Sparkle, "the custom of dead-body snatching has becomevery common in London, and in many cases appears to be winked at by theMagistrates; for although it is considered a felony in law, it is alsoacknowledged in some degree to be necessary for the Surgeons, inorder to have an opportunity of obtaining practical information. It ishowever, at the same time, a source of no slight distress to the parentsand friends of the parties who are dragg'd from the peaceful security ofthe tomb. The _Resurrection-men_ are generally well rewarded for theirlabours by the Surgeons who employ them to procure subjects; they arefor the most part fellows who never stick at trifles, but make a decentlivelihood by moving off, if they can, not only the bodies, but coffins, shrouds, &c. And are always upon the look-out wherever there is afuneral--nay, there have been instances in which the bodies have beendug from their graves within a few hours after being deposited there. "

"It is a shameful practice, " said Bob, "and ought not to be tolerated, however; nor can I conceive how, with the apparent vigilance of thePolice, it can be carried on. "

"Nothing more easy, " said Sparkle, "where the plan is well laid. Thesefellows, when they hear a passing-bell toll, skulk about the parish fromale-house to ale-house, till ~157~~they can learn a proper account ofwhat the deceased died of, what condition the body is in, &c. With whichaccount they go to a _Resurrection Doctor_, who agrees for a price, which is mostly five guineas, for the body of a man, and then bargainwith an Undertaker for the shroud, coffin, &c. Which, perhaps with alittle alteration, may serve to run through the whole family. "

"And is it possible, " said Bob, "that there are persons who will enterinto such bargains?"

"No doubt of it; nay, there was an instance of a man really selling hisown body to a Surgeon, to be appropriated to his own purposes when dead, for a certain weekly sum secured to him while living; but in robbingthe church-yards there are always many engaged in the rig--for notice isgenerally given that the body will be removed in the night, to which theSexton is made privy, and receives the information with as much ease ashe did to have it brought--his price being a guinea for the use of the_grubbing irons_, adjusting the grave, &c. This system is generallycarried on in little country church-yards within a few miles of London. A hackney-coach or a cart is ready to receive the stolen property, andthere cannot be a doubt but many of these depredations are attended withsuccess, the parties escaping with their prey undetected--nay, I knowof an instance that occurred a short time back, of a young man who wasburied at Wesley's Chapel, on which occasion one of the mourners, alittle more wary than the rest, could not help observing two or threerough fellows in the ground during the ceremony, which aroused hissuspicion that they intended after interment to have the body of hisdeparted friend; this idea became so strongly rooted in his mind, thathe imparted his suspicions to the remainder of those who had followedhim: himself and another therefore determined if possible to satisfythemselves upon the point, by returning in the dusk of the evening toreconnoitre. They accordingly proceeded to the spot, but the gates beingshut, one of them climbed to the top of the wall, where he discoveredthe very parties, he had before noticed, in the act of wrenching openthe coffin. Here they are, said he, hard at it, as I expected. Butbefore he and his friend could get over the wall, the villainseffected their escape, leaving behind them a capacious sack and all theimplements of their infernal trade. They secured the body, had ~158~~itconveyed home again, and in a few days re-buried it in a place ofgreater security. {1}

Bob was surprised at this description of the _Resurrection-rig_, but wasquickly drawn from his contemplation of the depravity of human nature, and what he could not help thinking the dirty employments of life, bya shouting apparently from several voices as they passed the end ofSt. Martin's Lane: it came from about eight persons, who appeared to bejourneymen mechanics, with pipes in their mouths, some of them rather_rorytorious_, {2} who, as they approached, broke altogether into thefollowing

 SONG. {3}

 "I'm a frolicsome young fellow, I live at my ease, I work when I like, and I play when I please; I'm frolicsome, good-natured--I'm happy and free, And I care not a jot what the world thinks of me. 

 With my bottle and glass some hours I pass, Sometimes with my friend, and sometimes with my lass: I'm frolicsome, good-natur'd--I'm happy and free, And I don't care one jot what the world thinks of me. 

 By the cares of the nation I'll ne'er be perplex'd, I'm always good-natur'd, e'en though I am vex'd; I'm frolicsome, good-humour'd--I'm happy and free, And I don't care one d----n what the world thinks of me. 

 1 A circumstance very similar to the one here narrated by Sparkle actually occurred, and can be well authenticated. 

 2 Rorytorious--Noisy. 

 3 This song is not introduced for the elegance of its composition, but as the Author has actually heard it in the streets at the flight of night or the peep of day, sung in full chorus, as plain as the fumes of the pipes and the hiccups would allow the choristers at those hours to articulate; and as it is probably the effusion of some Shopmate in unison with the sentiments of many, it forms part of Real Life deserving of being recorded in this Work. 

 Particular trades have particular songs suitable to the employment in which they are engaged, which while at work the whole of the parties will join in. In Spitalfields, Bethnal-green, &c. Principally inhabited by weavers, it is no uncommon thing to hear twenty or thirty girls singing, with their shuttles going--The Death of Barbary Allen--There was an old Astrologer--Mary's Dream, or Death and the Lady; and we remember a Watch-maker who never objected to hear his boys sing; but although he was himself a loyal subject, he declared he could not bear God Save the King; and upon being ask'd his reason--Why, said he, it is too slow--for as the time goes, so the fingers move--Give us _Drops of Brandy_, or _Go to the Devil and Shake Yourself_--then I shall have some work done. 

~159~~This Song, which was repeated three or four times, was continuedtill their arrival at Newport-market, where the Songsters divided: ourparty pursued their way through Coventry-street, and arrived withoutfurther adventure or interruption safely at home. Sparkle bade themadieu, and proceeded to Bond-street; and Tom and Bob sought the reposeof the pillow. 

It is said that "Music hath charms to sooth the savage breast, " and itcannot but be allowed that the _Yo heave ho_, of our Sailors, or thesound of a fiddle, contribute much to the speed of weighing anchor. 

It is an indisputable fact that there are few causes which moredecidedly form, or at least there are few evidences which more clearlyindicate, the true character of a nation, than its Songs and Ballads. Ithas been observed by the learned Selden, that you may see which way thewind sets by throwing a straw up into the air, when you cannot make thesame discovery by tossing up a stone or other weighty substance. Thus itis with Songs and Ballads, respecting the state of public feeling, whenproductions of a more elaborate nature fail in their elucidations: somuch so that it is related of a great Statesman, who was fully convincedof the truth of the observation, that he said, "Give me the making ofthe national Ballads, and I care not who frames your Laws. " Every day'sexperience tends to prove the power which the _sphere-born_ Sisters ofharmony, voice, and verse, have over the human mind. "I would rather, "says Mr. Sheridan, "have written Glover's song of 'Hosier's Ghost' thanthe Annals of Tacitus. "~160~~

CHAPTER XII

 O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis! Sure such a town as this was never seen; Mayor, common councilmen, citizens and populace, Wand'ring from Poplar to Turnham Green. 

 Chapels, churches, synagogues, distilleries and county banks-- Poets, Jews and gentlemen, apothecaries, mountebanks-- There's Bethlem Hospital, and there the Picture Gallery; And there's Sadler's Wells, and there the Court of Chancery. 

 O such a town, such a wonderful Metropolis, Sure such a town as this was never seen! O such a town, and such a heap of carriages, Sure such a motley group was never seen; Such a swarm of young and old, of buryings and marriages, All the world seems occupied in ceaseless din. 

 There's the Bench, and there's the Bank--now only take a peep at her-- And there's Rag Fair, and there the East-London Theatre-- There's St. James's all so fine, St. Giles's all in tattery, Where fun and frolic dance the rig from Saturday to Saturday. O what a town, what a wonderful Metropolis, Sure such a town as this was never seen!

A SHORT time after this day's ramble, the Hon. Tom Dash all and hisfriend Tallyho paid a visit to the celebrated Tattersall's. 

[Illustration: page160 Tattersall's]

"This, " said Tom, "is a great scene of action at times, and you willupon some occasions find as much business done here as there is on'Change; the dealings however are not so fair, though the profitsare larger; and if you observe the characters and the visages of thevisitants, it will be found it is most frequently attended by Turf-Jewsand Greeks. {1} Any man indeed who dabbles in horse-dealing, must, likea gamester, be either a rook or a pigeon; {2} for horse-dealing is aspecies of gambling, in which as many

 1 Turf-Jews and Greeks--Gamblers at races, trotting- matches, &c. 

 2 Rooks and Pigeons are frequenters of gaming-houses: the former signifying the successful adventurer, and the latter the unfortunate dupe. 

~161~~depredations are committed upon the property of the unwary as inany other, and every one engaged in it thinks it a meritorious act todupe his chapman. Even noblemen and gentlemen, who in othertransactions of life are honest, will make no scruple of cheating you inhorse-dealing: nor is this to be wondered at when we consider thatthe Lord and the Baronet take lessons from their grooms, jockeys, orcoachmen, and the nearer approach they can make to the appearanceand manners of their tutors, the fitter the pupils for turf-men, orgentlemen dealers; for the school in which they learn is of sucha description that dereliction of principle is by no meanssurprising--fleecing each other is an every-day practice--every onelooks upon his fellow as a bite, and young men of fashion learn how tobuy and sell, from old whips, jockeys, or rum ostlers, whose practiceshave put them up to every thing, and by such ruffian preceptors arefrequently taught to make three quarters or seventy-five per cent, profit, which is called turning an honest penny. This, though frequentlypractised at country fairs, &c. By horse-jobbers, &c. Is here executedwith all the dexterity and art imaginable: for instance, you havea distressed friend whom you know must sell; you commiserate hissituation, and very kindly find all manner of faults with his horse, andbuy it for half its value--you also know a Green-horn and an extravagantfellow, to whom you sell it for twice its value, and that is the neatthing. Again, if you have a horse you wish to dispose of, the sameschool will afford you instruction how to make the most of him, that isto say, to conceal his vices and defects, and by proper attention to puthim into condition, to alter his whole appearance by hogging, cropping, and docking--by patching up his broken knees--blowing gun-powder in hisdim eyes--bishoping, blistering, &c. So as to turn him out in good twig, scarcely to be known by those who have frequently seen and noticed him:besides which, at the time of sale one of these gentry will aid andassist your views by pointing out his recommendations in some suchobservations as the following:

'There's a horse truly good and well made. 

'There's the appearance of a fine woman! broad breast, round hips, andlong neck. 

'There's the countenance, intrepidity, and fire of a lion. 

'There's the eye, joint, and nostril of an ox. 

~162~~'There's the nose, gentleness, and patience of a lamb. 

'There's the strength, constancy, and foot of a mule. 

'There's the hair, head, and leg of a deer. 

'There's the throat, neck, and hearing of a wolf. 

'There's the ear, brush, and trot of a fox. 

'There's the memory, sight, and turning of a serpent. 

'There's the running, suppleness, and innocence of the hare. 

"And if a horse sold for sound wind, limb, and eyesight, with all thegentleness of a lamb, that a child might ride him with safety, shouldafterwards break the purchaser's neck, the seller has nothing to do withit, provided he has received the _bit_, {1} but laughs at the _do_. {2}Nay, they will sometimes sell a horse, warranted to go as steady as evera horse went in harness, to a friend, assuring him at the same time thathe has not a fault of any kind--that he is good as ever shoved a headthrough a horse-collar; and if he should afterwards rear up in the gig, and overturn the driver into a ditch, shatter the concern topieces, spill Ma'am, and kill both her and the child of promise, theconscientious Horse-dealer has nothing to do with all this: How couldhe help it? he sold the horse for a good horse, and a good horse he was. This is all in the way of fair dealing. Again, if a horse is sold assound, and he prove broken-winded, lame, or otherwise, not worthone fortieth part of the purchase-money, still it is only a piece ofjockeyship--a fair manouvre, affording opportunities of merriment. "

"A very laudable sort of company, " said Bob. 

"It is rather a mixed one, " replied Tom--"it is indeed a completemixture of all conditions, ranks, and orders of society. But let us takea peep at some of them. Do you observe that stout fellow yonder, witha stick in his hand? he has been a _Daisy-kicker_, and, by his arts andcontrivances having saved a little money, is now a regular dealer, andmay generally be seen here on selling days. "

"Daisy-kicker, " said Bob, "I don't comprehend the term. "

"Then I will explain, " was the reply. "Daisy-kickers are Ostlersbelonging to large inns, who are known to each other by that title, andyou may frequently hear them

 1 Bit--A cant term for money. 

 2 Do--Any successful endeavour to over-reach another is by these gentlemen call'd a do, meaning--so and so has been done. 

~163~~ask--When did you sell your Daisy-kicker or Grogham?--for theseterms are made use of among themselves as cant for a horse. Do you alsoobserve, he is now in close conversation with a person who he expectswill become a purchaser. "

"And who is he?"

"He is no other than a common informer, though in high life; keeps hiscarriage, horses, and servants--lives in the first style--he is shortlyto be made a Consul of, and perhaps an Ambassador afterwards. The firstis to all intents and purposes a Lord of Trade, and his Excellencynothing more than a titled spy, in the same way as a Bailiff is afollower of the law, and a man out of livery a Knight's companion or aNobleman's gentleman. "

Their attention was at this moment attracted by the appearance of twopersons dressed in the extreme of fashion, who, upon meeting just bythem, caught eagerly hold of each other's hand, and they overheardthe following--'Why, Bill, how am you, my hearty?--where have youbeen _trotting your galloper_?--what is you arter?--how's Harry andBen?--haven't seen you this blue moon. '{1}

'All tidy, ' was the reply; 'Ben is getting better, and is going to sporta new curricle, which is now building for him in Long Acre, as soon ashe is recovered. '

'Why what the devil's the matter with him, eh?'

'Nothing of any consequence, only he got mill'd a night or two ago abouthis blowen--he had one of his ribs broke, sprained his right wrist, andsports a _painted peeper_{2} upon the occasion, that's all. '

'Why you know he's no _bad cock_ at the Fancy, and won't put up with anygammon. '

'No, but he was lushy, and so he got queer'd--But I say, have you soldyour bay?'

'No, d----n me, I can't get my price. '

'Why, what is it you axes?'{3}

'Only a hundred and thirty--got by Agamemnon. Lord, it's no price atall--cheap as dirt--But I say, Bill, 1 Blue moon--This is usually intended to imply a long time. 

 2 Painted peeper--A black eye. 

 3 Axes--Among the swell lads, and those who affect the characters of knowing coveys, there is a common practice of endeavouring to coin new words and new modes of expression, evidently intended to be thought wit; and this affectation frequently has the effect of creating a laugh. 

~164~~how do you come on with your grey, and the pie-bald poney?'

'All right and regular, my boy; matched the poney for a light curricle, and I swapped{1} the grey for an entire horse--such a rum one--whenwill you come and take a peep at him?--all bone, fine shape and action, figure beyond compare--I made a rare good chop of it. '

'I'm glad to hear it; I'll make a survey, and take a ride with you thefirst leisure day; but I'm full of business, no time to spare--I say, are, you a dealer?'

'No, no, it won't do, I lost too much at the Derby--besides, I must goand drive my Girl out--_Avait, that's the time of day_, {2} my boys--sogood by--But if you should be able to pick up a brace of cleverpointers, a prime spaniel, or a greyhound to match Smut, I'm yourman--buy for me, and all's right--price, you know, is out of thequestion, I must have them if they are to be got, so look out--bid andbuy; but mind, nothing but prime will do for me--that's the time of day, you know, d----n me--so good by--I'm off. ' And away he went. 

"Some great sporting character, I suppose, " said Bob--"plenty of money. "

"No such thing, " said Tom, drawing him on one side--"you will hardlybelieve that Bill is nothing more than a Shopman to a Linen-draper, recently discharged for malpractices; and the other has been a Waiterat a Tavern, but is now out of place; and they are both upon thesharp look-out to _gammon the flats_. The former obtains his presentlivelihood by gambling--spends the most of his time in playing cardswith _greenhorns_, always to be picked up at low flash houses, at fairs, races, milling-matches, &c. And is also in the holy keeping of thecast-off mistress of a nobleman whose family he was formerly in as a_valet-de-chambre_. The other pretends to teach sparring in the City, and occasionally has a benefit in the Minories, Duke's Place, and theFives Court. "

"They talk it well, however, " said Bob. 

 1 Swapp'd--Exchanged. 

 2 That's the time of day--That's your sort--that's the barber--keep moving--what am you arter--what am you up to-- there never was such times--that's the Dandy--Go along Bob, &c. Are ex-pressions that are frequently made use of by the people of the Metropolis; and indeed fashion seems almost to have as much to do with our language as with our dress or manners. 

~165~~"Words are but wind, many a proud word comes off a weak stomach, "was the reply; "and you may almost expect not to hear a word of truth inthis place, which may be termed The Sporting Repository--it is the grandmart for horses and for other fashionable animals--for expensive asses, and all sorts of sporting-dogs, town-puppies, and second-handvehicles. Here bets are made for races and fights--matches are made uphere--bargains are struck, and engagements entered into, with as muchform, regularity, and importance, as the progress of parliamentaryproceedings--points of doubt upon all occasions of jockeyship aredecided here; and no man of fashion can be received into what is termedpolished society, without a knowledge of this place and some of thevisitors. The proceedings however are generally so managed, that theostlers, the jockeys, the grooms, and the dealers, come best off, froma superiority of knowledge and presumed judgment--they have a method ofpatching up deep matches to _diddle the dupes_, and to introduce _throwsover, doubles, double doubles_, to ease the heavy pockets of theirburdens. The system of puffing is also as much in use here as among theLottery-office Keepers, the Quack Doctors, or the Auctioneers; andthe __Knowing ones, by an understanding amongst each other, sell theircattle almost for what they please, if it so happens they are notimmediately in want of the _ready_, {1} which, by the way, is an articletoo frequently in request--and here honest poverty is often obliged tosell at any rate, while the rich black-leg takes care only to sell toa good advantage, making a point at the same time not only to make themost of his cattle, but also of his friend or acquaintance. "

"Liberal and patriotic-minded men!" said Bob; "it is a noble Society, and well worthy of cultivation. "

"It is fashionable Society, at least, " continued Tom, "and deserving ofobservation, for it is fraught with instruction. "

"I think so, indeed, " was the reply; "but I really begin to suspect thatI shall scarcely have confidence to venture out alone, for there doesnot appear to be any part of your wonderful Metropolis but what isinfested with some kind of shark or other. "

"It is but too true, and it is therefore the more necessary to makeyourself acquainted with them; it is rather a long lesson, but reallydeserving of being learnt. You

 1 The ready--Money. 

~166~~perceive what sort of company you are now in, as far as may bejudged from their appearances; but they are not to be trusted, for Idoubt not but you would form erroneous conclusions from such premises. The company that assembles here is generally composed of a great varietyof characters--the Idler, the Swindler, the Dandy, the Exquisite, thefull-pursed young Peer, the needy Sharper, the gaudy Pauper, and theaspiring School-boy, anxious to be thought a dealer and a judge of thearticle before him--looking at a horse with an air of importance andassumed intelligence, bidding with a trembling voice and palpitatingheart, lest it should be knock'd down to him. Do you see that dashingfellow nearly opposite to us, in the green frock-coat, top-boots, andspurs?--do you mark how he nourishes his whip, and how familiar he seemsto be with the knowing old covey in brown?"

"Yes; I suppose he is a dealer. "

"You are right, he is a dealer, but it is in man's flesh, not horseflesh: he is a _Bum trap_{1} in search of some friend

 1 Bum trap--A term pretty generally in use to denominate a Bailiff or his follower--they are also called Body- snatchers. The ways and means made use of by these gentry to make their captions are innumerable: they visit all places, assume all characters, and try all stratagems, to secure their friends, in order that they may have an opportunity of obliging them, which they have a happy facility in doing, provided the party can _bleed free_. * Among others, the following are curious facts:

 A Gentleman, who laboured under some peculiar difficulties, found it desirable for the sake of his health to retire into the country, where he secluded himself pretty closely from the vigilant anxieties of his friends, who were in search of him and had made several fruitless attempts to obtain an interview. The Traps having ascertained the place of his retreat, from which it appeared that nothing but stratagem could draw him, a knowing old snatch determined to effect his purpose, and succeeded in the following manner:

 One day as the Gentleman came to his window, he discovered a man, seemingly in great agitation, passing and re-passing; at length, however, he stopped suddenly, and with a great deal of attention fixed his eyes upon a tree which stood nearly opposite to the window. In a few minutes he returned to it, pulled out a book, in which he read for a few minutes, and then drew forth a rope from his pocket, with which he suspended himself from the tree. The Gentleman, eager to save the life of a fellow-creature, ran out and cut him down. This was scarcely accomplished, before he found the man whom he had rescued (as he thought) from death, slapp'd him on the shoulder, informed him that he was his prisoner, and in return robbed him of his liberty!

 Another of these gentry assumed the character of a poor cripple, and stationed himself as a beggar, sweeping the crossing near the habitation of his shy cock, who, conceiving himself safe after three days voluntary imprisonment, was seized by the supposed Beggar, who threw away his broom to secure his man. 

 Yet, notwithstanding the many artifices to which this profession is obliged to conform itself, it must be acknowledged there are many of them who have hearts that would do honour to more exalted situations; especially when we reflect, that in general, whatever illiberality or invective may be cast upon them, they rarely if at all oppress those who are in their custody, and that they frequently endeavour to compromise for the Debtor, or at least recommend the Creditor to accept of those terms which can be complied with. 

 * Bleed free--

~167~~or other, with a writ in his pocket. These fellows have someprotean qualities about them, and, as occasion requires, assume allshapes for the purpose of taking care of their customers; they arehowever a sort of necessary evil. The old one in brown is a well-knowndealer, a deep old file, and knows every one around him--he is up to thesharps, down upon the flats, and not to be done. But in looking roundyou may perceive men booted and spurred, who perhaps never crosseda horse, and some with whips in their hands who deserve it on theirbacks--they hum lively airs, whistle and strut about with theirquizzing-glasses in their hands, playing a tattoo upon their boots, andshewing themselves off with as many airs as if they were real actorsengaged in the farce, that is to say, the buyers and sellers; when intruth they are nothing but loungers in search of employment, whomay perhaps have to count the trees in the Park for a dinner withoutsatisfying the cravings of nature, dining as it is termed with DukeHumphrey--others, perhaps, who have arrived in safety, are almost afraidto venture into the streets again, lest they should encounter those foesto liberty, John Doe and Richard Roe. "

'If I do, may I be----' The remainder of the sentence was lost, by thespeaker removing in conversation with another, when Tom turn'd round. 

"O, " said Tom, "I thought I knew who it was--that is one of the greatestreprobates in conversation that I ever met with. "

"And who is he?"

"Why, I'll give you a brief sketch of him, " continued Dashall: "It issaid, and I fancy pretty well known, ~168~~that he has retired upon asmall property, how acquired or accumulated I cannot say; but he hasmarried a Bar-maid of very beautiful features and elegant form: havingbeen brought up to the bar, she is not unaccustomed to confinement; buthe has made her an absolute prisoner, for he shuts her up as closely asif she were in a monastery--he never dines at home, and she is left incomplete solitude. He thinks his game all safe, but she has sometimesescaped the vigilance of her gaoler, and has been seen at places distantfrom home. {1}

 1 It is related of this gentleman, whose severity and vigilance were so harshly spoken of, that one day at table, a dashing young Military Officer, who, while he was circulating the bottle, was boasting among his dissipated friends of his dexterity in conducting the wars of Venus, that he had a short time back met one of the most lovely creatures he ever saw, in the King's Road; but he had learned that her husband so strictly confined and watched her, that there was no possibility of his being admitted to her at any hour. 

 "Behave handsome, and I'll put you in possession of a gun that shall bring the game down in spite of locks, bolts and bars, or even the vigilance of the eyes of Argus himself. "

 "How? d----me if I don't stand a ten pound note. "

 "How! why easy enough; I've a plan that cannot but succeed-- down with the cash, and I'll put you up to the scheme. "

 No sooner said than done, and he pocketed the ten pound note. 

 "Now, " said the hoary old sinner, little suspecting that he was to be the dupe of his own artifice: "You get the husband invited out to dinner, have him well ply'd with wine by your friends: You assume the dress of a Postman--give a thundering rap at her door, which always denotes either the arrival of some important visitor or official communication; and when you can see her, flatter, lie, and swear that her company is necessary to your existence--that life is a burden without her--tell her, you know her husband is engaged, and can't come--that he is dining out with some jolly lads, and can't possibly be home for some hours--fall at her feet, and say that, having obtained the interview, you will not leave her. Your friends in the mean time must be engaged in making him as drunk as a piper. That's the way to do it, and if you execute it as well as it is plann'd, the day's your own. "

 "Bravo, bravo!" echoed from every one present. 

 It was a high thing--the breach thus made, the horn-work was soon to be carried, and there could be no doubt of a safe lodgement in the covert-way. 

 The gay Militaire met his inamorata shortly afterwards in Chelsea-fields, and after obtaining from her sundry particulars of inquiry, as to the name of her husband, &c. He acquainted her with his plan. The preliminaries were agreed upon, and it was deter-mined that the maid-servant, who was stationed as a spy upon her at all times, should be dispatched to some house in the neighbour-hood to procure change, while the man of letters was to be let in and concealed; and upon her return it was to be stated that the Postman was in a hurry, could not wait, and was to call again. This done, he was to make his escape by a rope-ladder from the window as soon as the old one should be heard upon the stairs, which it of course was presumed would be at a late hour, when he was drunk. 

 The train having been thus laid, Old Vigilance dined out, and expected to meet the Colonel; but being disappointed, and suspicious at all times, for

 "Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind, "

 The utmost endeavours of the party to make him drunk proved ineffectual; he was restless and uncomfortable, and he could not help fancying by the visible efforts to do him up, that some mischief was brewing, or some hoax was about to be played off. He had his master-key in his pocket, and retired early. 

 His Lady, whose plan had succeeded admirably at home, was fearful of having the door bolted till after twelve, lest the servant's suspicions should be aroused. In the mean time, the son of Mars considered all safe, and entertained no expectation of the old Gentleman's return till a very late hour. When lo and behold, to the great surprise and annoyance of the lovers, he gently opened the street door, and fearful of awaking his faithful charmer out of her first slumber, he ascended the stairs unshod. His phosphoric matches shortly threw a light upon the subject, and he entered the apartment; when, what was the surprise and astonishment of the whole party at the discovery of their situation!

 The old Gentleman swore, stormed, and bullied, declaring he would have satisfaction! that he would commence a civil suit! The Military Hero told him it would be too civil by half, and was in fact more than he expected;--reminded him of the ten pounds he had received as agency for promoting his amours;--informed him he had performed the character recommended by him most admirably. The old man was almost choked with rage; but perceiving he had spread a snare for himself, was compelled to hear and forbear, while the lover bolted, wishing him a good night, and singing, "Locks, bolts, and bars, I defy you, " as an admirable lesson in return for the blustering manner in which he had received information of the success of his own scheme. 

"Mr. C---- on the opposite side is a Money-procurer or lender, a veryaccommodating sort of person, who négociâtes meetings and engagementsbetween young borrowers, who care not what they pay for money, and oldlenders, who care not who suffers, so they can obtain enormous interestfor their loans. He is a venerable looking man, and is known to mostof the young Bloods who visit here. His father was a German Cook in acertain kitchen. He set up for a Gentleman at his father's death, andwas taken particular notice of by Lord G----, ~170~~and indeed by allthe turf. He lived a gay and fashionable life, soon run out his fortune, and is now pensioned by a female whom he formerly supported. He is anexcellent judge of a horse and horse-racing, upon which subjectshis advice is frequently given. He is a very useful person among thegenerality of gentry who frequent this place of public resort. At thesame time it ought to be observed, that among the various characterswhich infest and injure society, perhaps there are few more practised inguilt, fraud, and deceit, than the Money-lenders. 

"They advertise to procure large sums of money to assist those underpecuniary embarrassment. They generally reside in obscure situations, and are to be found by anonymous signatures, such as A. B. I. R. D. V. &c. They chiefly prey upon young men of property, who have lost theirmoney at play, horse-racing, betting, &c. Or other expensive amusements, and are obliged to raise more upon any terms until their rents orincomes become payable: or such as have fortunes in prospect, as beingheirs apparent to estates, but who require assistance in the mean time. 

"These men avail themselves of the credit, or the ultimateresponsibility of the giddy and thoughtless young spendthrift in hiseager pursuit of criminal pleasures, and under the influence of thoseallurements, which the various places of fashionable resort hold out;and seldom fail to obtain from them securities and obligations for largesums; upon the credit of which they are enabled, perhaps at usuriousinterest, to borrow money or discount bills, and thus supply theirunfortunate customers upon the most extravagant terms. 

"There are others, who having some capital, advance money upon bonds, title-deeds, and other specialties, or tipon the bond of the partieshaving property in reversion. By these and other devices, large sums ofmoney are most unwarrantably and illegally wrested from the dissipatedand the thoughtless; and misery and distress are perhaps entailed uponthem as long as they live, or they are driven by the prospect of utterruin to acts of desperation or the commission of crimes. 

"It generally happens upon application to the advertising party, thathe, like Moses in _The School for Scandal_, is not really in possessionof any money himself, but then he knows where and how to procure it froma very ~171~~unconscionable dog, who may, perhaps, not be satisfied withthe security ottered; yet, if you have Bills at any reasonable date, hecould get them discounted. If you should suffer yourself to be trick'dout of any Bills, he will contrive, in some way or other, to negotiatethem--not, as he professes, for you, but for himself and his colleagues;and, very likely, after you have been at the additional expense ofcommencing a suit at law against them, they have disappeared, and arein the King's Bench or the Fleet, waiting there to defraud you ofevery hope and expectation, by obtaining their liberty through theWhite-washing Act. 

"These gentry are for the most part Attorneys or Pettifoggers, orclosely connected with such; and notwithstanding all legal provisionsto preclude them from exacting large sums, either for their agency andintroduction, or for the bonds which they draw, yet they contrive tobring themselves home, and escape detection, by some such means as thefollowing:

"They pretend that it is necessary to have a deed drawn up to explainthe uses of the Annuity-bond, which the grantor of the money, who issome usurious villain, immediately acknowledges and accedes to; for

"The bond that signs the mortgage pays the shot; so that an Act whichis fraught with the best purposes for the protection of the honest, butunfortunate, is in this manner subjected to the grossest chicanery ofpettifoggers and pretenders, and the vilest evasions of quirking lowvillains of the law. 

"There is also another species of money-lender, not inaptly termedthe Female Banker. These accommodate Barrow-women and others, who sellfruit, vegetables, &c. In the public streets, with five shillings a day(the usual diurnal stock in such cases;) for the use of which for twelvehours they obtain the moderate premium of sixpence when the money isreturned in the evening, receiving at this rate about seven poundsten shillings per year for every five pounds they can so employ. It ishowever very difficult to convince the borrowers of the correctnessof this calculation, and of the serious loss to which they subjectthemselves by a continuation of the system, since it is evident thatthis improvident and dissolute class of people have no other ideathan that of making the day and the way alike long. Their profits~172~~(often considerably augmented by dealing in base money as well asthe articles which they sell) seldom last over the day; for they neverfail to have a luxurious dinner and a hot supper, with a plentifulsupply of gin and porter: looking in general no farther than to keep thewhole original stock with the sixpence interest, which is paid overto the female Banker in the evening, and a new loan obtained on thefollowing morning to go to market, and to be disposed of in the sameway. 

"In contemplating this curious system of banking, or money lending(trifling as it may appear, ) it is almost impossible not to be forciblystruck with the immense profits that are derived from it. It is onlynecessary for one of these sharpers to possess a capital of seventyshillings, or three pounds ten shillings, with fourteen steady andregular customers, in order to realize an income of one hundred guineasper year! So true it is, that one half of the world do not know howthe other half live; for there are thousands who cannot have the leastconception of the existence of such facts. 

"Here comes a _Buck of the first cut_, one who pretends to know everything and every body, but thinks of nobody but himself, and of that selfin reality knows nothing. 

Captain P----is acknowledged by all his acquaintance to be one of thebest fellows in the world, and to beat every one at slang, but U----yand A----se. He is the terror of the Charleys, and of the poorunfortunate roofless nightly wanderers in the streets. You perceive hislong white hair, and by no means engaging features. Yet he has vanityenough to think himself handsome, and that he is taken notice of onthat account; when the attractions he presents are really such as excitewonder and surprise, mingled with disgust; yet he contemplates hisfigure in the looking-glass with self satisfaction, and asks thefrail ones, with a tremulous voice, if, so help them----he is not agood-looking fellow 1 and they, knowing their customer, of course do notfail to reply in the affirmative. 

"He is a well known leg, and is no doubt present on this occasion tobet upon the ensuing Epsom races; by the bye his losses have been veryconsiderable in that way. He has also at all times been a dupe to thesex. It is said that Susan B----, a dashing Cyprian, eased his purseof a £500 bill, and whilst he was dancing in pursuit of her, she wasdancing to the tune of a Fife; a clear proof she ~173~~had an ear formusic as well as an eye to business. But I believe it was played in adifferent Key to what he expected; whether it was a minor Key or not Icannot exactly say. 

"At a ball or assembly he conceives himself quite at home, satisfiedthat he is the admiration of the whole of the company present; and werehe to give an account of himself, it would most likely be in substancenearly as follows:

"When I enter the room, what a whisp'ring is heard; My rivals, astonish'd, scarce utter a word; "How charming! (cry all; ) howenchanting a fellow! How neat are those small-clothes, how killinglyyellow. Not for worlds would I honour these plebs with a smile, Tho'bursting with pride and delight all the while; So I turn to my cronies(a much honour'd few, ); Crying, "S--z--m, how goes it?--Ah, Duchess, how do? Ton my life, yonder's B--uf, and Br--ke, and A--g--le, S-ff--d, W--tm--1--d, L--n, and old codger C--ri--le. " Now tho', from this styleof address, it appears That these folks I have known for at least fiftyyears, The fact is, my friends, that I scarcely know one, A mere "façonde parler, " the way of the ton. What tho' they dislike it, I answer myends, Country gentlemen stare, and suppose them my friends. 

But my beautiful taste (as indeed you will guess) Is manifest most in mytoilet and dress; My neckcloth of course forms my principal care, Forby that we criterions of elegance swear, And costs me each morning somehours of flurry, To make it appear to be tied in a hurry. My boot-tops, those unerring marks of a blade, With Champagne are polish'd, and peachmarmalade; And a violet coat, closely copied from B--ng, With acluster of seals, and a large diamond ring; And troisièmes of buckskin, bewitchingly large, Give the finishing stroke to the "_parfaitouvrage_. "

During this animated description of the gay personage alluded to, Bobhad listened with the most undeviating attention, keeping his eye allthe time on this extravagant piece of elegance and fashion, but couldnot help bursting into an immoderate fit of laughter at its conclusion. In the mean time the crowd of visitors had continued to increase; allappeared to be bustle and confusion; small parties were seen in groupscommunicating together in different places, and every face appearedto be animated by hopes or fears. Dashall was exchanging familiar~174~~nods and winks with those whom lie knew; but as their object wasnot to buy, they paid but little attention to the sales of the day, rather contenting themselves with a view of the human cattle by whichthey were surrounded, when they were pleasingly surprised to observetheir friend Sparkle enter, booted and spurred. 

"Just the thing! (said Sparkle, ) I had some suspicion of finding youhere. Are you buyers? Does your Cousin want a horse, an ass, or afilly?"

Tom smiled; "Always upon the ramble, eh, Sparkle. Why ask suchquestions? You know we are well horsed; but I suppose if the truth wasknown, you are _prad_ sellers; if so, shew your article, and name yourprice. "

"Apropos, " said Sparkle; "Here is a friend of mine, to whom I mustintroduce you, so say no more about articles and prices--I have anarticle in view above all price--excuse me. " And with this he made hisway among the tribe of Jockeys, Sharpers, and Blacklegs, and in a minutereturned, bringing with him a well-dressed young man, whose manners andappearance indicated the Gentleman, and whose company was considered byTom and his Cousin as a valuable acquisition. 

"Mr. Richard Mortimer, " said Sparkle, as he introduced his friend--"theHon. Mr. Dashall, and Mr. Robert Tallyho. "

After the mutual interchanges of politeness which naturally succeededthis introduction--"Come, " said Sparkle, "we are horsed, and our nagswaiting--we are for a ride, which way do you bend your course?"

"A lucky meeting, " replied Tom; "for we are upon the same scent; Iexpect my curricle at Hyde-Park Corner in ten minutes, and have noparticular line of destination. "

"Good, " said Sparkle; "then we may hope to have your company; and howdisposed for the evening?"

"Even as chance may direct. "

"Good, again--all right--then as you are neither buyers nor sellers, let us employ the remaining ten minutes in looking around us--thereis nothing to attract here--Epsom Races are all the talk, and all ofbusiness that is doing--come along, let us walk through the Park--letthe horses meet us at Kensington Gate, and then for a twist among thebriers and brambles. "

This was readily agreed to: orders were given to the servants, and theparty proceeded towards the Park. ~175~~

CHAPTER XIII

 What is Bon Ton? Oh d---- me (cries a Buck, Half drunk, ) ask me, my dear, and you're in luck: Bon Ton's to swear, break windows, beat the Watch, Pick up a wench, drink healths, and roar a catch. Keep it up, keep it up! d---- me, take your swing-- Bon Ton is Life, my boy! Bon Ton's the thing! "Ah, I loves Life and all the joys it yields-- (Says Madam Fussock. Warm from Spitalfields; ) Bon Ton's the space 'twixt Saturday and Monday, And riding out in one-horse shay o' Sunday; 'Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons At Bagnigge Wells, with china and gilt spoons; 'Tis laying by our stuffs, red cloaks and pattens, To dance cowtillions all in silks and satins. " "Vulgar! (cries Miss) observe in higher Life The feather'd spinster and three feather'd wife; The Club's Bon Ton--Bon Ton's a constant trade Of rout, festino, ball and masquerade; 'Tis plays and puppet shows--'tis something new-- 'Tis losing thousands every night at loo; Nature it thwarts, and contradicts all reason; 'Tis stiff French stays, and fruit when out of season, A rose, when half a guinea is the price; A set of bays scarce bigger than six mice; To visit friends you never wish to see-- Marriage 'twixt those who never can agree; Old dowagers, dress'd, painted, patch'd and curl'd-- This is Bon Ton, and this we call the World!

AS they passed through the gate, Tom observed it was rather too early toexpect much company. "Never mind, " said Sparkle, "we are company enoughamong ourselves; the morning is fine, the curricle not arrived, and weshall find plenty of conversation, if we do not discover interestingcharacter, to diversify our promenade. Travelling spoils conversation, unless you are squeezed like an Egyptian mummy into a stage or amail-coach; and perhaps in that case you may meet with animals who havevoices, without possessing the power of intellect to direct them to anyuseful or agreeable purpose. "

~176~~Tallyho, who was at all times delighted with Sparkle'sdescriptions of society and manners, appeared pleased with theproposition. 

"Your absence from town, " continued Sparkle, addressing himself toDashall, "has prevented my introduction of Mr. Mortimer before, thoughyou have heard me mention his Sister. They are now inhabitants of ourown sphere of action, and I trust we shall all become better known toeach other. "

This piece of information appeared to be truly acceptable to allparties. Young Mortimer was a good-looking and well made young man; hisfeatures were animated and intelligent; his manners polished, thoughnot quite so unrestrained as those which are to be acquired by anacquaintance with metropolitan associations. 

"I am happy, " said he, "to be introduced to any friends of your's, andshall be proud to number them among mine. "

"You may, " replied Sparkle, "with great safety place them on your list;though you know I have already made it appear to you that friendship isa term more generally made use of than understood in London--

 "For what is Friendship but a name, A charm which lulls to sleep, A shade that follows wealth and fame, And leaves the wretch to weep?

 And Love is still an emptier sound, The modern fair one's jest; On earth unseen, or only found To warm the turtle's nest. "

"These sentiments are excellently expressed, " said Tom, pinching him bythe arm--"and I suppose in perfect consonance with your own?"

Sparkle felt 'the rebuke, look'd down, and seem'd confused; but in amoment recovering himself, "Not exactly so, " replied he; "but then you know, and I don'tmind confessing it among friends, though you are aware it is veryunfashionable to acknowledge the existence of any thing of the kind, Iam a pupil of nature. "

"You seem to be in a serious humour all at once, " said young Mortimer. 

~177~~"Can't help it, " continued Sparkle--"for, "Let them all say what they will, Nature will be nature still. "

"And that usurper, or I should rather say, would be usurper, Fashion, is in no way in alliance with our natures. I remember the old Duchess ofMarlborough used to say 'That to love some persons very much, and tosee often those we love, is the greatest happiness I can enjoy;' butit appears almost impossible for any person in London to secure such anenjoyment, and I can't help feeling it. "

By the look and manner with which this last sentiment was uttered, Tomplainly discovered there was a something labouring at his heart whichprompted it. "Moralizing!" said he. "Ah, Charley, you are a happyfellow. I never yet knew one who could so rapidly change '_from grave togay, from lively to severe_; and for the benefit of our friends, I can'thelp thinking you could further elucidate the very subject you have sofeelingly introduced. "

"You are a quiz" said Sparkle; "but there is one thing to be said, I know you, and have no great objection to your hits now and then, provided they are not knock down blows. "

"But, " said Mortimer, "what has this to do with friendship and love? Ithought you were going to give something like a London definition of theterms. "

"Why, " said Sparkle, "in London it is equally difficult to get to loveany body very much, or often to meet those that we love. There are suchnumbers of acquaintances, such a constant succession of engagements ofone sort or other, such a round of delights, that the town resemblesVauxhall, where the nearest and dearest friends may walk round and roundall night without once meeting: for instance, at dinner you should see aperson whose manners and conversation are agreeable and pleasing to you;you may wish in vain to become more intimate, for the chance is, thatyou will not meet so as to converse a second time for many months;for no one can tell when the dice-box of society may turn up the samenumbers again. I do not mean to infer that you may not barely see thesame features again; it is possible that you may catch a glimpse of themon the opposite side of Pall ~178~~Mall or Bond-street, or see them nearto you at a crowded rout, without a possibility of approaching. 

"It is from this cause, that those who live in London are so totallyindifferent to each other; the waves follow so quick, that every vacancyis immediately filled up, and the want is not perceived. The well-bredcivility of modern times, and the example of some 'very popular people, 'it is true, have introduced a shaking of hands, a pretended warmth, adissembled cordiality, into the manners of the cold and warm, alikethe dear friend and the acquaintance of yesterday. Consequently wecontinually hear such conversation as the following:--' Ah, how d'ye do?I'm delighted to see you! How is Mrs. M----?'

'She's very well, thank you. ' 'Has she any increase in family?' 'Anyincrease! why I've only been married three months. I see you are talkingof my former wife: bless you, she has been dead these three years. '--Or, 'Ah, my dear friend, how d'ye do? You have been out of town some time;where have you been? In Norfolk?' 'No, I have been two years in India. '"

This description of a friendly salutation appeared to interest andamuse both Talltho and Mortimer. Tom laughed, shrugg'd up his shoulders, acknowledged the picture was too true, and Sparkle continued. 

"And thus it is, that, ignorant of one another's interests andoccupations, the generality of friendships of London contain nothingmore tender than a visiting card: nor are they much better, indeed theyare much worse, if you renounce the world, and determine to live onlywith your relations and nearest connexions; for if you go to see themat one o'clock, they are not stirring; at two, the room is full ofdifferent acquaintances, who talk over the occurrences of the lastnight's ball, and, of course, are paid more attention to than yourself;at three, they are out shopping; at four, they are in this place dashingamong the Pinks, from which they do not return till seven, then they aredressing; at eight, they are dining with two dozen friends; at nine andten the same; at eleven, they are dressing for the ball; and at twelve, when you are retiring to rest, they are gone into society for theevening: so that you are left in solitude; you soon begin again to trythe world--and we will endeavour to discover what it produces. 

"The first inconvenience of a London Life is the late ~179~~hour of afashionable dinner. To pass the day in fasting, and then sit down to agreat dinner at eight o'clock, is entirely against the first dictates ofcommon sense and common stomachs. But what is to be done? he who railsagainst the fashion of the times will be considered a most unfashionabledog, and perhaps I have already said more than sufficient to entitle meto that appellation. "

"Don't turn _King's Evidence_ against yourself, " said Tom; "for, if youplead guilty in this happy country, you must be tried by your Peers. "

"Nay, " said Mortimer, "while fashion and reason appear to be in suchdirect opposition to each other, I must confess their merits deserveto be impartially tried; though I cannot, for one moment, doubt but thelatter must ultimately prevail with the generality, however her dictatesmay be disregarded by the votaries of the former. "

"You are a good one at a ramble" said Tom, "and not a bad one in aspree, but I cannot help thinking you are rambling out of your road;you seem to have lost the thread of your subject, and, having beendisappointed with love and friendship, you are just going to sit down todinner. "

"Pardon me, " replied Sparkle, "I was proceeding naturally, and notfashionably, to my subject; but I know you are so great an admirer ofthe latter, that you care but little about the former. "

"Hit for hit, " said Tom; "but go on--you are certainly growing old, Sparkle; at all events, you appear very grave this morning, and ifyou continue in this humour long, I shall expect you are about takingOrders. "

"There is a time for all things, but the time for that has not yetarrived. "

"Well, then, proceed without sermonizing. "

"I don't like to be interrupted, " replied Sparkle; "and there is yetmuch to be said on the subject. I find there are many difficultiesto encounter in contending with the fashionable customs. Some learnedpersons have endeavoured to support the practice of late dinners byprecedent, and quoted the Roman supper; but it ought to be recollectedthat those suppers were at three o'clock in the afternoon, and should bea subject of contempt, instead of imitation, in Grosvenor Square. Women, ~180~~however, are not quite so irrational as men, in London, for theygenerally sit down to a substantial lunch about three or four; if menwould do the same, the meal at eight might be relieved of many of itsweighty dishes, and conversation would be a gainer by it; for it must beallowed on all hands, that conversation suffers great interruption fromthe manner in which fashionable dinners are managed. First, the host andhostess (or her unfortunate coadjutor) are employed during three partsof the dinner in doing the work of servants, helping fish, or carvingvenison to twenty hungry guests, to the total loss of the host's powersof amusement, and the entire disfigurement of the fair hostess's face. Again, much time is lost by the attention every one is obliged topay, in order to find out (which, by the way, he cannot do if he isshort-sighted) what dishes are at the extreme end of the table; and ifa guest is desirous of a glass of wine, he must peep through the Apollosand Cupids of the plateau, in order to find some one to take it with;otherwise he is compelled to wait till some one asks him, which willprobably happen in succession; so that after having had no wine forhalf an hour, he will have to swallow five glasses in five minutes. Convenience teaches, that the best manner of enjoying society at dinner, is to leave every thing to the servants that servants can do; so thatno farther trouble may be experienced than to accept the dishes thatare presented, and to drink at your own time the wines which arehanded round. A fashionable dinner, on the contrary, seems to presumebeforehand on the silence, dulness, and insipidity of the guests, andto have provided little interruptions, like the jerks which the Chaplaingives to the Archbishop to prevent his going to sleep during a sermon. "

"Accurate descriptions, as usual, " said Tom, "and highly amusing. "

Tallyho and Mortimer were intent upon hearing the remainder of Sparkle'saccount, though they occasionally joined in the laugh, and observed thatSparkle seemed to be in a very sentimental mood. As they continued towalk on, he resumed--

"Well then, some time after dinner comes the hour for the ball, or rout;but this is sooner said than done: it often requires as much time togo from St. James's Square to Cleveland Row, as to go from London toHounslow. 

~181~~It would require volumes to describe the disappointment whichoccurs on arriving in the brilliant mob of a ball-room. Sometimes, asit has been before said, a friend is seen squeezed like yourself, atthe other end of the room, without a possibility of your communicating, except by signs; and as the whole arrangement of the society isregulated by mechanical pressure, you may happen to be pushedagainst those to whom you do not wish to speak, whether bores, slightacquaintances, or determined enemies. Confined by the crowd, stifled bythe heat, dazzled by the light, all powers of intellect are obscured;wit loses its point, and sagacity its observation; indeed, the limbsare so crushed, and the tongue so parched, that, except particularlyundressed ladies, all are in the case of the traveller, Mr. Clarke, when he says, that in the plains of Syria some might blame him for notmaking moral reflections on the state of the country; but that he mustown that the heat quite deprived him of all power of thought. Hence itis, that the conversation you hear around you is generally nothing morethan--"Have you been here long?--Have you been at Mrs. H----'s?--Areyou going to Lady D----'s?"--Hence too, Madam de Staël said very justly to an Englishman, "Dans vos routes lecorps fait plus de frai que l'esprit. " But even if there are persons ofa constitution robust enough to talk, they dare not do so, when twentyheads are forced into the compass of one square foot; nay, even if, toyour great delight, you see a person to whom you have much to say, andby fair means or foul, elbows and toes, knees and shoulders, have gotnear him, he often dismisses you with shaking you by the hand, and saying--My dear Mr. ---- how do you do? and then continues aconversation with a person whose ear is three inches nearer. At oneo'clock, however, the crowd diminishes; and if you are not tired by thefive or six hours of playing at company, which you have already had, youmay be very comfortable for the rest of the evening. This however isthe round of fashionable company. But I begin to be tired even of thedescription. "

"A very luminous and comprehensive view of fashionable society however, "said Tom, "sketched by a natural hand in glowing colours, though notexactly in the usual style. I shall not venture to assert whetherthe subjects are well chosen, but the figures are well grouped, and~182~~display considerable ability and lively imagination in thepainter, though a little confused. "

"It appears to be a study from nature, " said Mortimer. 

"At least, " continued Sparkle, "it is a study from Real Life, anddelineates the London manners; for although I have been a mingler inthe gaieties and varieties of a London Life, I have always held thesame opinions with respect to the propriety of the manners and customsadopted, and have endeavoured to read as I ran; and it cannot bedenied, that, in the eye of fashion, nothing can be more amiable than todeviate, or at least to affect a deviation, from nature, for to speakor act according to her dictates, would be considered vulgar andcommon-place in the last degree; to hear a story and not express anemotion you do not feel, perfectly rude and unmannerly, and among theladies particularly. To move and think as the heart feels inclined, are offences against politeness that no person can ever in honour ordelicacy forgive. "

"Come, come, " said Tom, "don't you be so hard on the blessings of Life--

 "For who, that knows the thrilling touch Which Woman's love can give, Would wish to live for aught so much, As bid those beauties live?

 For what is life, which all so prize, And all who live approve, Without the fire of Woman's eyes, To bid man live and love?"

Sparkle affected to laugh, appeared confused, and look'd down for a fewmoments, and they walk'd on in silence. 

"I perceive, " said Tom, "how the matter stands--well, I shall not be atormentor--but remember I expect an introduction to the fair enslaver. Ithought you 'defy'd the mighty conqueror of hearts, ' and resolved to befree. "

"Resolutions, as well as promises, are easily made, " said Sparkle, "but not always so easily accomplished or performed--nor are you alwaysaccurate in your conceptions of circumstances; but no matter, yourvoyages are always made in search of discoveries, and, in spite of yourresolutions, ~183~~you may perchance be entrapp'd. But no more of this;I perceive your raillery is directed to me, and I hope you enjoy it. "

"Faith, " replied Tom, "you know I always enjoy your company, but I don'trecollect to have found you in so prosing a humour before--Pray, whichway are you directing your coursel?"

During the latter part of this conversation, Bob and young Mortimer wereemployed in admiring the fine piece of water which presented itself totheir notice in the Serpentine River. 

"Merely for a ride, " was the reply; "any way you please, to pass awaythe time. "

"Mighty cavalier, truly, " said Tom; "but come, here we are atKensington, let us mount, and away. "

"Remember, I expect you and Mr. Tallyho to accompany me in the eveningto a family-party. I have already stated my intention, and you are bothexpected. "

"Upon these terms then, I am your man, and I think I may answer for myCousin. "

By this time they were at the gate, where, finding the curricle and thenags all in readiness, Sparkle and Mortimer were soon horsed, and Tomand Bob seated in the curricle. They proceeded to Richmond, takingsurveys of the scenery on the road, and discoursing on the usual topicsof such a journey, which being foreign to the professed intention ofthis work, are omitted. Suffice it to say they returned refreshed fromthe excursion, and parted with a promise to meet again at nine o'clock, in Grosvenor Square. 

"Egad!" said Dashall, as they entered the diningroom, "there issomething very mysterious in all this. Sparkle has hitherto been thelife and soul of society: he seems to be deeply smitten with this youngLady, Miss Mortimer, and promises fairly, by his manner, to prove adeserter from our standard, and to inlist under the banners of Hymen. "

"Not unlikely, " replied Tallyho, "if what we are told be true--that itis what we must all come to. "

"Be that as it may, it ought not to interfere with our pursuits, RealLife in London, though, to be sure, the Ladies, dear creatures, oughtnot to be forgotten: they are so nearly and dearly interwoven with ourexistence, that, without them, Life would be insupportable. "

~184~~After dinner, they prepared for the evening party, and made theirappearance in Grosvenor Squire at the appointed hour. But as this willintroduce new characters to the Reader, we shall defer our account ofthem till the next Chapter. 

CHAPTER XIV

 Ye are stars of the night, ye are gems of the morn, Ye are dew-drops whose lustre illumines the thorn; And rayless that night is, that morning unblest, When no beam in your eye, lights up peace in the breast; And the sharp thorn of sorrow sinks deep in the heart, Till the sweet lip of Woman assuages the smart; 'Tis her's o'er the couch of misfortune to bend, In fondness a lover, in firmness a friend; And prosperity's hour, be it ever confest, From Woman receives both refinement and zest; And adorn'd by the bays, or enwreath'd with the willow, Her smile is our meed, and her bosom our pillow. 

ARRIVED at Grosvenor Square, they found the party consisted of ColonelB----, his son and daughter, Miss Mortimer, and her brother, Mr. Sparkle, Mr. Merrywell, and Lady Lovelace. The first salutations ofintroduction being over, there was time to observe the company, amongwhom, Miss Mortimer appeared to be the principal magnet of attraction. The old Colonel was proud to see the friends of Mr. Sparkle, and hadpreviously given a hearty welcome to Mr. Merrywell, as the friend of hisnephew, the young Mortimer. Sparkle now appeared the gayest of the gay, and had been amusing the company with some of his liveliest descriptionsof character and manners, that are to be witnessed in the metropolis. While Merrywell, who did not seem to be pleased with the particularattentions he paid to Miss Mortimer, was in close conversation with herbrother. 

Tom could not but acknowledge that it was scarcely possible to see MissMortimer, without feelings of a nature which he had scarcely experiencedbefore. The elegant neatness of her dress was calculated to display thebeauty of her form, and the vivid flashes of a dark eye were somany irresistible attacks upon the heart; a sweet voice, and smilingcountenance, appeared to throw a radiance around the room, andilluminate the visages of the whole ~186~~party, while Lady Lovelaceand Maria B---- served as a contrast to heighten that effect whichthey envied and reproved. While tea was preparing, after which it wasproposed to take a rubber at cards, a sort of general conversation tookplace: the preparations for the Coronation, the new novels of the day, and the amusements of the theatre, were canvassed in turn; and speakingof the writings of Sir Walter Scott, as the presumed author of thecelebrated Scotch novels, Lady Lovelace declared she found it impossibleto procure the last published from the library, notwithstanding her namehas been long on the list, so much was it in request. 

Sparkle replied, "That he had purchased the Novel, and would willinglylend it to the Ladies. As for the Libraries, " continued he, "they aregood places of accommodation, but it is impossible to please every one, either there or any where else; they are however very amusing at times, and as a proof of it, I strolled the other morning to a CirculatingLibrary, for the express purpose of lounging away an hour in digestingthe politics and news of the day; but the curious scenes to which Iwas witness during this short period, so distracted my attention, that, despite of the grave subjects on which I was meditating, I could notresist lending an attentive ear to all that passed around me. There wassomething of originality in the countenance of the Master of the Librarywhich struck me forcibly; and the whimsical answers which he made to hisnumerous subscribers, and the yet more whimsical tone in which theywere pronounced, more than once provoked a smile. The first personwho attracted my notice was a fine showy looking woman, dressed inthe extreme of fashion, with a bloom upon her cheek, which might haveemulated that of the rose, with this exception, that it wanted the charmof nature. Putting a list into the hands of the Bookseller, sheinquired if he had any of the productions the names of which werethere transcribed. Glancing his eye over the paper, he replied (withan archness which not a little disconcerted her, and which probablyoccasioned her abrupt disappearance, "_The Fine Lady_, Madam, is seldomor ever at home; but _Family Secrets_ we are always ready to let out. "'_Characters of Eminent Men_' growled out a little vulgar consequentialCitizen, whose countenance bore the stamp of that insufferabledulness that might almost tempt ~187~~one to imagine him incapable ofcomprehending the meaning of the words which he pronounced with an airof so much self-importance; '_Characters of Eminent Men_, 195, ' repeatedthe Snarler, in the same tone, 'I much fear if we can boast a quarterof that number, eh! Mr. Margin?' "I fear not, Sir, " replied Margin;"but such as we have are very much at your service. " 'Better be in theservice of the nation than in mine, by far, ' said the little purse-proudgentleman, shrugging his shoulders very significantly. "Shall I sendit for you, Sir?" said Margin, without noticing the last remark. 'By nomeans, by no means; the volume is not so large, it won't encumber memuch; I believe I shall find it small enough to put in my pocket, 'pursued the little great man, grinning at the shrewdness of his ownobservations, and stalking out with as much self-complacency as he hadstalked in. I knew the man well, and could not help laughing at thelofty airs he assumed, at the manner in which he affected to decry allhis countrymen without mercy, at his unwillingness to acknowledgeany talent amongst them, though he himself was a man of that ploddingdescription who neither ever had done, nor ever could do any thing toentitle him to claim distinction of any sort. The young Coxcomb who nextentered, was a direct contrast to the last applicant, both in person andmanner. Approaching with a fashionable contortion, he stretched out hislady-like hand, and in the most languid and affected tone imaginable, inquired for The Idler. "That, Sir, " said Margin, "is amongst the workswe have unhappily lost, but you will be sure to meet with it at any ofthe fashionable libraries in the neighbourhood of Bond Street or St. James's. " The young Fop had just sense enough to perceive that the shaftwas aimed at him, but not enough to relish the joke, or correct thefollies which provoked it, and turned abruptly on his heel. He was metat the door by a sentimental boarding-school Miss, who came flying intothe shop in defiance of her governess, and inquired, in a very pathetictone, for _The Constant Lover_. "That, I am afraid, " said Margin, "isnot amongst our collection. " 'Dear me, ' lisped the young Lady, with anair of chagrin, 'that's very provoking, I thought that was what everyone had. ' "Give me leave to assure you, Ma'am, that you are quitemistaken. I fancy you will find that it is not to be met with all overLondon. "

~188~~An old Gentleman of the old school, whose clothes were decidedlythe cut of the last century, and whose stiff and formal manners wereprecisely of the same date with his habiliments, next came hobblingin. Poring through his spectacles over the catalogue which lay upon thecounter, the first thing which caught his eye, was _An Essay upon OldMaids_. "Tom, Tom, " said the complaisant Librarian, calling to a lad atthe other end of the shop, "reach down the Old Maids for the gentleman. They won't appear to advantage, I'm afraid, a little dusty or damaged, with having laid so long upon the shelf, " he added, with a simper, whichwas not lost upon any one present. A melancholy looking man, in whosecountenance meekness and insipidity were alike plainly depicted, now came forward, inquiring, in an under, and what might almost bedesignated an alarmed tone of voice, for _The Impertinent Wife_; afemale, who hung upon his arm, interrupted him by entreating, or ratherinsisting in no very gentle tone, 'that he would ask for somethingbetter worth having. ' Margin, affecting only to hear the former speaker, immediately produced the book in question, and observed, with muchnaivete, "that the Impertinent Wife was sure to be in the way at allhours, " at the same time not omitting to recommend Discipline as "abetter work. " A young man, whom I knew to be one of the greatest fortunehunters about town, with an air of consummate assurance, put outhis hand for _Disinterested Marriage_. "That's a thing quite out ofdate--never thought of now, Sir, " said Margin, who knew him as well asmyself; "Allow me to recommend something of more recent date, somethingmore sought after in the fashionable world, Splendid Misery, Sir, or--"The young man heard no more: spite of his impudence, he was soabashed by the reply, that he made a hasty retreat. The last person whomI thought it worth my while to notice, was a tall, meagre looking man, whom I recollected to have seen pointed out to me as a wit, and a geniusof the first order. His wit was, however, of that dangerous sort whichcaused his company to be rather shunned than courted; and it was veryevident, from his appearance, that he had not had the wit to workhimself into the good graces of those who might have had it in theirpower to befriend him. Though he spoke in a very low tone, I soonfound that he was inquiring for _Plain Sense_. On Margin's replying, ~189~~with much nonchalance, that _Plain Sense_ had of late become veryrare, finding himself disappointed in his first application, his nextaim was _Patronage_. "That, Sir, (said the wary bookseller) is so muchsought after, that I really cannot promise it to you at present; but if, as I conclude, you merely want something to beguile a leisure hour ortwo, probably _The Discontented Man_ will answer the purpose very well. "

To this description of Sparkle, the whole company listened withattention and delight, frequently interrupting him with bursts oflaughter. Tea was handed round, and then cards introduced. YoungMortimer and Merrywell seemed to take but little interest in the play, and evidently discovered their anxiety to be liberated, having someother object in view. Mortimer felt no great portion of pleasure inpassing his time with his uncle, the Colonel, nor with his sister, LadyLovelace, who was a perfect model of London affectation; besides, hisfriend Mr. Merrywell, who was to him what Tom Dashall and Sparkle hadbeen to Tallyho, had made an engagement to introduce him to some ofhis dashing acquaintances in the West. Nods and winks were interchangedbetween them, and could not but be noticed by Tom and Bob, thoughSparkle was so intent upon the amusements of the moment, and the companyof the lovely Caroline, as to appear immoveable. 

Mr. Merrywell at length stated that he must be compelled to quit theparty. Young Mortimer also apologized; for as he and his friend wereengaged for an early excursion in the morning, he should take a bed athis habitation, in order to be fully prepared. This was the first stepto breaking up the party. 

Merrywell called Sparkle on one side, saying he had something ofimportance to communicate. It was twelve o'clock, and the gentlemen, after taking a formal leave of the ladies and the Colonel, and a promiseon the part of Sparkle to meet them again the next morning at twelve, toescort them to the Exhibition, left the house. 

"I am really happy, " said Merrywell to Sparkle as they passed thedoor, "to have had the honour of this introduction, and shall have muchpleasure in becoming better acquainted with Mr. Sparkle, who, thoughpersonally unknown to me, his name and fame are familiar. 

~190~~Mr. Mortimer and myself are going to take a review of theneighbourhood of St. James's, probably to shake an elbow. "

"Excellent, " said Tom; "here is a fine opportunity for Mr. Tallyho totake a like survey, and, if agreeable, we will join the party. ThoughI am by no means a friend to gaming, I conceive it necessary that everyperson should see the haunts of its votaries, and the arts they make useof, in order to avoid them. "

"You are right, and therefore let us have a peep at them. " With thisthey 'walk'd on, listening with attention to the following lines, whichwere recited by Sparkle:

 "Behold yon group, fast fix'd at break of day, Whose haggard looks a sleepless night betray, With stern attention, silent and profound, The mystic table closely they surround; Their eager eyes with eager motions join, As men who meditate some vast design: Sure, these are Statesmen, met for public good, For some among them boast of noble blood: Or are they traitors, holding close debate On desp'rate means to overthrow the State? For there are men among them whose domains And goods and chattels lie within their brains. No, these are students of the blackest art That can corrupt the morals or the heart; Yet are they oft in fashion's ranks preferred, And men of honour, if you take their word. But they can plunder, pillage, and devour, More than poor robbers, at the midnight hour; Lay deeper schemes to manage lucky hits, Than artful swindlers, living by their wits. Like cunning fowlers, spread th' alluring snare, And glory when they pluck a pigeon bare. These are our gamesters, who have basely made The cards and dice their study and their trade. "{1}

 1 Gaming is generally understood to have been invented by the Lydians, when they were under the pressure of a great famine. To divert themselves from dwelling on their sufferings, they contrived the balls, tables, &c. And, in order to bear their calamity the better, were accustomed to play for the whole day together, without interruption, that they might not be rack'd with the thought of food, which they could not obtain. It is not a little extraordinary that this invention, which was originally intended as a remedy for hunger, is now a very common cause of that very evil. 

~191~~"True, " said Merry well, as Sparkle concluded, though he did notlike the satire upon his own favourite pursuit; "those delineations arecorrect, and the versification good, as far as it applies to the worstspecies of the gaminghouse. "

"O, " said Tom, "then pray, Sir, which is the worst?"

"Nonsense, " said Sparkle, "there is neither worse nor best; these Hellsare all alike. _Sharks, Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, Black-legs, andLevanters_, are to be met with at them all, and _they meet to bite oneanother's heads off_. "

"An admirable description, truly, of the company you are about tointroduce us to, Gentlemen, " said Tallyho. 

"I don't understand Greeks, Hells, and Black-legs, " said Mortimer, "andshould like an explanation. "

"With all my heart, " replied Sparkle--"_Hell_ is the general title nowgiven to any well-known gaming-house, and really appears to be wellchosen; for all the miseries that can fall to the lot of human nature, are to be found in those receptacles of idleness, duplicity, andvillany. Gaming is an estate to which all the world has a pretence, though few espouse it who are willing to secure either their estatesor reputations: and these Hells may fairly be considered as so manyhalf-way houses to the Fleet or King's Bench Prisons, or some moredesperate end. The love of play is the most incurable of insanities:robbery, suicide, and the extensive ruin of whole families, have beenknown to proceed from this unfortunate and fatal propensity. 

"_Greeks, Gamblers, Knowing Ones, and Black-legs_, are synonimous terms, applied to the frequenters of the modern Hells, or Gaming-houses, and may be distinguished from the rest of society by the followingpeculiarities in pursuits and manners. 

"The _Greeks_ of the present day, though they may not lay claim to, orboast of all the attributes of the _Greeks_ of antiquity, must certainlybe allowed to possess that quality for which the latter were ever socelebrated, namely, _cunning and wariness_: for although no modern Greekcan be said to have any resemblance to Achilles, Ajax, Patroclus, orNestor, in point of courage, strength, fidelity, or wisdom, he maynevertheless boast of being a close copier of the equally renownedchief of Ithaca. You will find him in most societies, habited like agentleman; ~192~~his clothes are of the newest fashion, and his mannersof the highest polish, with every appearance of candour and honour;while he subsists by unfair play at dice, cards, and billiards, deceiving and defrauding all those with whom he may engage; disregardingthe professions of friendship and intimacy, which are continuallyfalling from his lips. 

"To become a good _Greek_ (which, by the way, is a contradiction) itwill be found necessary to follow these instructions:

"In the first place, lie should be able to command his temper; he shouldspeak but little, and when he does mingle in conversation, he shouldmost decidedly deprecate play, as a source of the greatest evil thatcan prey upon society, and elucidate its tendencies by striking exampleswhich are well known to himself, and which are so forcibly impressedupon his recollection, that he is determined never to play deep again, but has no objection to a sociable and friendly game now and then, justto pass the time away a little agreeably. By this means he may readilymark down his man, and the game once in view, he should not appear tooeager in the pursuit of it, but take good care, as the proverb says, to give a sprat, in order to catch a herring. This should be done byallowing some temporary success, before he make a final hit. 

"There is perhaps no art which requires so much of continual practice asthat of _Greekery_. It is therefore necessary, that the professor shouldfrequently exercise himself in private with cards and dice, in orderthat his digits may be trained to a proper degree of agility, upon whichthe success of his art principally depends. He should also be accustomedto work with some younger man than himself, who, having once beena pigeon, is become a naute, that is enlightened and will notpeach--consequently, he serves as an excellent decoy to others. 

"To ascertain the property of the pigeon he intends to pluck, is anotheressential requisite; and when this important information is obtained, (which should be before he commences operations) he should affect theutmost liberality as to time, &c. And make a show of extending everyhonourable facility to his opponent, even by offers of pecuniaryassistance; by which means, (if he should be fortunate enough to haveit accepted) he may probably, by good management, obtain a legal~193~~security from him, and thus be enabled to fasten on his preywhenever he pleases. 

"The title of a military man, such as Captain, is very useful to theGreek, as it introduces him well to society, and if he has once held acommission in the army, so much the better. If not, it can be assumed, so that if any unpleasant regimental peculation should be introduced, he may place his hand on the left side of his breast, declare he isastonished and alarmed at the calumnious spirit of the times, shake hishead, and interlard his conversation with common-place ejaculations;such as the following--Indeed--No--Why I know Harry very well--he's abit of a blood--can it be possible--I should not have thought it--blessmy heart--exactly so--good God--a devilish good joke tho'--that's verytrue, says I--so says he, &c. &c. 

"A Greek should be a man of some personal courage, never shrink froma row, nor be afraid to' fight a duel. He should be able to bully, bluster, swagger and swear, as occasion may require; nay, in desperatecases, such us peaching, &c. He should not object even to assassination. He should invite large parties to dine with him frequently, and have aparticular sort of wine for particular companies. He should likewise beable to swallow a tolerable quantity of the juice of the grape himself, as well as know how to appear as if he were drinking, when he is merelypassing the bottle, and so manage it passing, as to seem drunk at propertimes. When good opportunities present themselves for the exerciseof his art, and when a hit is really to be made, he should positivelyrefuse to suffer play of any kind in his house, alleging that he hasseen enough of it, and cut the concern. This serves to increase thedesire for it in others. On any decisive occasion, when a train is knownto be well laid, he should appear to be drunk before any one of theparty; in which case he should take care beforehand to instruct hisdecoy to pluck the pigeon, while he, as a supposed observer, is bettingwith some one in the company, (of course an accomplice) and is also aloser. 

"Greeks, who know each other, are enabled to convey information by meansof private signals, without uttering a word, and consequently withoutdetection. At whist, or other games on the cards, fingers are admirableconveyancers of intelligence, and by dexterous performers ~194~~areso managed, as to defy the closest scrutiny, so as to have the naturalappearance of pliancy, while, among the _knowing ones_, their movementsare actually deciding the fate of a rubber. "

"Egad!" said Mortimer, "you seem to understand the business so well, Iwonder you don't open shop. "

"My knowledge, " continued Sparkle, "is but theoretical. I cannot boastof much practical information, for it is long since I shook the luckycastor. "

"O, then, you are discontented because you have no luck. "

"Not so, " said Sparkle, "for I never play very deep, so that, win orlose, I can never suffer much; but I am willing to give information toothers, and with that view I have detailed the nature of the housesand the general character of their frequenters, according to my ownconception of them. The _Levanter_ is a _Black-leg_, who lives by the_broads_{l} and the _turf_, {2} and is accustomed to work as it were by_telegraph_{3} with his pal; and if you take the broads in hand in theircompany, you are sure to be work'd, either by glazing, that is, puttingyou in the front of a looking-glass, by which means your hand isdiscovered by your antagonist, or by private signals from the pal. Onthe turf he will pick up some nobleman or gentleman, who he knows isnot _up to the rig_--bet him fifty or a hundred on a horse--pull out hispocket-book--set down the name, and promise to be at the stand whenthe race is over; but takes care to be seen no more, unless he isthe winner, which he easily ascertains by the direction his pal takesimmediately on the arrival of the horses. But hold, we must dismiss thepresent subject of contemplation, for here we are at the very scene ofaction, and now for ocular demonstration. "

No. 40, now 32, Pall Mall, was the place of destination, a house wellknown, said, in Koubel's time, to be more _à la Française_, and ofcourse more of a gambling-house, than any other of the same descriptionin London. The former were good judges of their business, and did thingsin prime order; but, if report say true, the new Establishment

 1 Broads--A cant term for cards. 

 2 Turf--A cant term for horse-racing. 

 3 Telegraph--To work the telegraph, is to impart information by secret signs and motions, previously concerted between the parties. 

~195~~has completely eclipsed their precursors: it is now conductedwholly by aliens--by Frenchmen!!! who are said to have realized 80, 000L. Within a very short space of time; and that a certain nobleman, whosename is not Dormouse, has serious reason to remember that he has been avisitor. 

These concerns are considered of so much importance, and are found to beso very productive, that regular co-partnerships are entered into, the business is conducted almost with the precision of a mercantileestablishment; all kinds of characters embark in these speculations, andrapid fortunes are to be made by them; this alone ought to deter youngmen from play, since it sufficiently indicates how much the chances arein favour of the tables. But many high and noble names resort to them. 

 "There's N--g--nts proud Lord, who, to angle for pelf, Will soon find the secret of diddling himself; There's Herbert, who lately, as knowing one's tell, Won a tight seven hundred at a House in Pall Mall. 

 Captain D--v--s, who now is a chick of the game, For altho' in high feather, the odds will soon tame; And the Marquis of Bl--ndf--rd, who touch'd 'em up rare For a thousand in Bennet Street (all on the square); There's Li--d and C--m--ck, who'd a marine to be, For none drills a guinea more ably than he; There's a certain rum Baronet, every one knows, Who on Saturday nights to the Two Sevens{1} goes, With J---- and Cl----, Billy W---- and two more, So drunk, that they keep merry hell in a roar. Long D--ll--n, their C--rt--r, a son of a gun; Bill B----, the Doctor, that figure of fun;

 Bankers, Dealers and Demireps, Cuckolds in droves, A T--l--r, a T--nf--Id, a Cr--kf--Id, and CI--ves; A H--rtf--rd, a Y--rm--th, of frail ones ten score; X--ft--e, S--br--gt and E--ll--s, and still many more. "

"Come along, " said Merrywell, "let us see what they are made of; areeither of you known? for Cerberus, who keeps the door, is d----dparticular, in consequence of some rows they have recently had, and thedevil is careful to pick his customers. "

"To pluck them, you mean, " said Tom; "but perhaps you are in possessionof the pass-word--if so, lead on. "

 1 The _Two Sevens_--A nick-name for the well-known house, No. 77, Jermyn Street. 

~196~~Tallyho had already heard so much about Hells, Gambling-houses, and Subscription-houses, that he was all anxiety for an interior view, and the same feeling animated Mortimer. As they were about to enter, they were not a little surprised to find that houses which are spoken ofso publicly, have in general the appearance of private dwellings, withthe exception that the hall-door is left ajar during the hours usuallydevoted to play, like those of trap-cages, to catch the passing pigeons, and to obviate the delay which might be occasioned by the necessity ofknocking--a delay which might expose the customers to the glances of anunsuspecting creditor--a confiding father, or a starving wife; and, asMerrywell observed, "It was to be understood that the entrance was wellguarded, and that no gentleman could be permitted to risk or lose hismoney, without an introduction. " A very necessary precaution to obviatethe danger of being surprised by the officers of the law; but that ruleis too easily to be broken, for any gentleman whom the door-keeperhas sufficient reason to think is not an Officer of Justice, finds theavenues to these labyrinths too ready for his admission. 

[Illustration: page196 A Modern Hell]

On passing the outer-door, they found themselves impeded by a second, and a third, and each door constructed with a small spy-hole, exhibitingthe ball of a ruffian's eye, intently gazing on and examining theirfigures. It is necessary to observe, that if the visitor is known tobe a fair pigeon, or an old crow, he is at once admitted by thesegentlemen, and politely bowed up stairs; and as Merrywell appeared to bewell known, no obstruction was offered, and they proceeded through thelast, which was an iron door, and were shewn directly into the room, which presented a scene of dazzling astonishment. 

On entering, they discovered the votaries of gaming around an oblongtable, covered with green cloth, and the priests of the ceremony in thecentre, one to deal cards and decide events, and another to assist himin collecting the plunder which should follow such decisions. Beingengaged in the play, but little notice was taken of the arrival of theparty, except by two or three eagle-eyed gentlemen, who, perceivingthere were some _New-comes_{1}

 1. Newcomes--The name given to any new faces discovered among the usual visitants. 

~197~~and always keeping business in view, made up to Merrywell, beganto be very talkative--was happy to see him--hoped he had been well--andcongratulated him on the introduction of his friends--took snuff, andhanded the box round with all the appearance of unaffected friendship. 

"These, " said Tom Dashall to his Cousin, drawing him on one side, "arethe Proprietors{1} of this concern;

 1 In order that the class of men by whom houses of this description are generally kept, and to shew the certainty they have of accumulating riches, as well as to guard the young and inexperienced against being decoyed, it may not be amiss to animadvert upon a few of the most prominent and well known. 

 No. 7, Pall Mall, is kept by B----l, who has been a public and noted gambler for these forty years, and is generally termed the Father of the Houses. He was at one time a poor man, but now, by his honest earnings, is in possession of some tens of thousands. It is said that he was originally a stable-boy, and, in process of time, arose to be a jobber in horse-flesh, but has at length feathered his nest with _pigeons down_. 

 No. 77, St. James's Street, nick-named the Two Sevens, kept by Messrs. T. C. C. T. Is a well-known House, where things are conducted with great civility and attention, and the best possible treatment may generally be relied upon, though they are rather sparing of refreshments, and apt to grumble if a customer has a run of good luck. A Prussian Officer, however, not long ago, kick'd up a devil of a row about losing a very large sum of money; but it is scarcely necessary to add it was all in vain, for there was no redress. 

 The produce of this Bank, (which Paddy B---- calls the Devil's Exchequer, whence you can draw neither principal nor interest, ) furnishes elegant houses and equipages, both in town and country, and, it is possible, may one day or other send a Member to Parliament, or a General to the field. 

 No. 10, King Street, St. James's, is conducted by old and young D----s L----r; the father is too old in iniquity to remember his progress from poverty to affluence. 

 No. 5, King-street, is kept by Mr. A----l; the former residing at No. 3, Leicester-place, the latter No. 3, ---- Street; and both live in prime style. The former, in his youth, was an errand boy, and he became so willing in doing little jobs, that his employers have paid him most handsomely. The latter gentleman, who may be seen frequently driving a dennet, and looking both sides of the road at once, is a chip of the old block: but as it is not our intention to visit the sins of the sou upon the father, we shall not enter into a minute examination of him. 

 No. 6, in Bury-street, is only about a year's standing. This table was set up by a broken adventurer, Capt. B----, with Mr. ----, a jeweller, and a man whose agents keep a house of ill fame, no way inferior in attribute to his house in Bury-street. They commenced with narrow funds, and now, thank the gulls, are independent. 

 The next door, No. 7, is held by M----g, a map-seller, living at Charing Cross; Carl--s, formerly an under- strapper at Ben--t's, living at King's Road, Chelsea; H----ll, a tallow-chandler, living at No. 8, Bury-street; and his brother, a brick-layer, residing somewhere off Grosvenor Place. These fellows have carried on their depredations for some time, but now have closed for awhile, being one of the houses against whom a Jew, named Portugal John, and another named the Young Black Diamond, have commenced proceedings, for sums had and received, and by indictment. 

 No. 28, in the same street, is the property of one O---- d, formerly a menial servant, and not long ago a porter to B----l. 

 These examples shew by incontestible inference, that the keepers of those tables have an advantage, which renders their success certain, while it fleeces the men who attend them. We always have seen these Proprietors in the same unchangeable affluence, driving their equipages, keeping their country houses, &c. &c. While those who play invariably sink into poverty. It has been often--very often remarked, that young men who commence this career of folly and vice, by degrees lose that freshness and fashionable appearance which they at first possessed, and at last are seen wandering about St. James's Park _counting the trees_, and dining on a _gravel hash_, for want of more genial fare, in a threadbare coat, half-polished boots, a greasy hat, and a dirty cravat; while the plunderers of their happiness and property are driving by them in luxury, enjoying their pleasure by contrast with their victim, and sneering at his miseries. 

 Of all the vices which deform this Metropolis (and there are not a few) the most ruinous is that of Rouge et Noir gambling, for that is practised in the day time, and it is a matter of astonishment to think that it has remained undisturbed by the law, and hitherto unnoticed by the Press. At this moment no less than twelve of these Hells are open to the public in the noon-day; and no less than five or six profane the Sabbath by their sinful practices. Although London has been, time out of mind, infested with the imps of play, yet it was not until within these last ten or fifteen years that they dared open their dens to the honest light of day. About that period, or a very short time before, Rouge et Noir was imported, amongst other fashionable things, from France; and to this game we are indebted for the practice of gambling in the day-light. 

 It is impossible to put down the vice of Gaming wholly, and not all the various enactments of the legislature against it have succeeded; but that the ruinous and infamous practice of indulging that vice in the midst of crowded day should be suffered, for upwards of sixteen years, in the centre of British society, when it can easily be suppressed, calls forth our wonder, and gives a stronger proof to us that our Societies for the Suppression of Vice, &c. &c. Are shadows with a name. When the Hazard tables open, it is at an hour when the respectable and controlled youths of London are within the walls of their homes; few are abroad except the modern man of _ton_, the rake, the sot, the robber, and the vagabond; and the dangers of gaming on these orders of society is little indeed, when compared with the baneful effects of that vice upon the mercantile youth of London. It is to this class, and to the youth of the middling orders of society, that gaming is destructive, and it is upon these that the Rouge et Noir tables cast the most fatal influence. Young men of this order cannot in general be absent from their families after midnight, the hour when the nocturnal Hells formerly yawned upon their victims; but now the introduction of Rouge et Noir has rendered the abominable track of play a morning and evening's lounge, set forth in all the false glare which the artful proprietors can invent to deceive the thoughtless; and thus it affords opportunities and temptations to such youth almost irresistible. 

 When the glittering of London pleasures first meets the eye of a young man placed upon the road of a mercantile life, or when he enters any of the multifarious departments in the machine of society which always lead the industrious and prudent to honourable emolument, he too frequently misconceives the fashionable gamester's character, and confounds his crimes with elegant accomplishments. The road to pleasure is broad, and the gates of these Hells are open to him at hours when he can be absent, and can indulge his whim without suspicion--for at first he looks upon his new enjoyment but a mere whim, which he can abandon at any moment. But how different is the proof! He goes on--his new made wings carry him through a region of delight, and he believes himself to possess the powers of the eagle--still lighter he ascends, and the solid earth on which he formerly trod in safety, recedes immeasurably from his giddy eye--at length his wings prove wax, they melt before the sun, and the victim of his own folly tumbles into the abyss of destruction. 

 It is no uncommon thing, nay, we will positively declare it to be a very frequent practice of these misled young men, when they have been initiated, and have the temporary command of money belonging to their employers, to go to the Rouge et Noir tables, armed (as they think) with impenetrable armour--a large sum; and, in the hope of profiting to a certain amount, risk that property, the loss of which would be the loss of every thing dear to them in society. They believe, from the greatness of the amount they possess, that they can command a small gain, and not for a moment doubt they will be able to replace or return the money entrusted to their care; but little do they know the fickleness of luck, and less do they suspect the odds and imposing roguery arrayed against them. Their first loss is trifling, but they have to win that back iu addition to their expected profits; for this purpose they stake a larger sum, which, if they lose, increases their task, and so on, until the half-frantic victims see no hope but desperation, and their remaining stock is placed upon the chance of a single card. The event closes, and the man who yesterday enjoyed the good opinion of the world, and the esteem and confidence of his friends, to-day becomes the veriest outcast of society! These are common cases, one of which, for example, we will describe as the facts occurred:--In the year 1816, a Clerk, possessing the highest reputation, became a frequenter of a Rouge et Noir table. From the nature of his employment, he had daily the command of large sums, which, for a short time, he risked at play successfully. One day, however, he brought with him his employer's money, to the amount of 1700L. The whole of which, in two days, he lost. We may judge of the unhappy young man's feelings by his subsequent conduct. He wrote a confession of the affair to the man he wronged, retired to a tavern, and blew his brains out!

 These gaming-tables open at half-past twelve o'clock, continue their orgies until five, and recommence at seven in the evening. How many young men are passing their doors at these hours with the property of others in their pockets!-- and what a temptation to risk it! It would seem as if these places were set up as shops designed chiefly for the accommodation of mid-day dealers in ill-fortune, as if levelled directly at those men who cannot or will not spend their nights in gambling; and how the proprietors contrive to escape detection and punishment is surprising, considering that the law affords ample means to put them down. 

~200~~they know their customers, and place themselves here to watch theprogress of their gains. Their attentions are always directed to thenew-comers. Remorseless, avaricious, and happy--unmarked with the linesof care, which contract and deform the faces of their victims, "Theysmile and smile, and murder while they smile. " They will explainthe fairness of the game, and tell you of the great losses they havesustained; but as this is no place for explanation, we must look on andsay nothing. "

By this time, Merrywell and Mortimer were mingled in the throng at thetable. Sparkle was engaged in conversation with an old acquaintance, aprofusion of money was flying about, and a large heap or bank was placedin the centre. All was anxiety, and, for a few moments, no sound washeard, but the awful numbers of the eventful dealer; every countenancewas hushed in expectation, and every eye was fixed upon the coming card, which should decide the fate of hundreds. It was an awful moment toevery one engaged in the play; but the pause was succeeded with a sortof harlequinade movement, to a scene of confusion and uproar scarcely tobe conceived. 

The appearance at the door of half a dozen persons armed with pistols, rushing past the guardians, and bearing ~201~~away all before them, hadsuch an instantaneous effect upon the company, that they all arose, as it were, to receive them, and the leader of the party threw himselfsuddenly upon the pile of Bank-notes in the centre of the table, withintent to seize the whole bank. 

Confusion and dismay were now visibly depicted on every countenance, forsome, actuated by desperation at the prospect of ruin, and others by theurgings of avarice, determined to have a scramble for the notes, whichthey commenced most furiously, each one securing as much as he could tohimself. There was tumbling and tossing, and pulling and shoving, mouthsstuffed with hundreds, hundreds of mouths that were supperless, andlikely to continue so, unless they could now make sure of something. Bank paper was literally going for nothing. However, the pistols beingthe most powerful, the armed forces succeeded in seizing the greatestshare of the stock, and a negative sort of silence was at lengthrestored. The party was materially decreased; for, seeing they werebetrayed, every one, after an endeavour to secure a share of the spoil, deemed it necessary to make good his retreat; and among the rest, our party, who had not interfered with the play, or assisted in theentertainment, soon found themselves in the street. 

"Egad, " said Sparkle, "I think we are in luck to escape so easily;we might have been compelled to make our appearance at Bow Streetto-morrow, an occurrence I would studiously avoid. "

"Well done, old steady, " said Tom; "it is not long, you know, since youwas there, after a night's lodging in the neighbourhood. "

"That was under very different circumstances, " continued Sparkle; "indefence of a woman I would risk my life at any time, but I would byno means incur the imputation of being a gambler--it is a character Iabhor. I have before said I would never venture into those dens again, to herd with swindlers of all descriptions. "

"They all seem gay fellows, too, " said Bob. 

"Yes, " replied Sparkle; "but the character and conduct of a young manhas ere now been altered in one night: the evil effects produced byinitiation to those Hells are incalculable. "

"Moralizing at midnight, " said Tom; "an excellent title for a volume_sparkling_ contemplations. "

~202~~"To be written by the Hon. Tom Dashall, or the Merry Devil ofPiccadilly, " was the reply. 

"Huzza!" said Merrywell, "if this is the case, our time will not be lostin this excursion. Did you hear that Lord ---- has been compelled to putdown his establishment in consequence of his losses at play? pray don'tforget to mention that in the work. "

"Tis no new thing, " continued Sparkle, "for Lords of the present day, since I believe there are few of the nobility who are not either Greeksor Pigeons; indeed, the list of visitors to these places contains namesof many persons who should set better examples to the humbler classes ofthe community; for the unfortunate results of this too fatal propensityto parents and society have been severely felt. Among many instanceson record, a very interesting one is related of a young Subaltern in aregiment of cavalry, who, by successive losses, was reduced to such astate of distress, as to form the desperate resolution of trying theroad. In a moment of agony, he accidentally met with an opportunitywhich seemed to favour his design, having learned that a certainBaronet, recently returned from India with abundance of wealth, had laidit out on landed estates in England, and that he would on a certain daycross the country with a large sum of money, after collecting his rents. 

"He laid his plan for a meeting on a retired spot, and succeeded instopping the carriage--' Your money or your life, ' said he, presentinghis pistol with a trembling hand. The Baronet, perceiving there was asort of gentlemanly air about him which indicated something more thanmight be calculated on in the character of a highwayman, presented himwith his purse, a watch, and a valuable diamond ring, remarking, hecould not help conceiving that he was unaccustomed to the trade, andthat it was most desirable he should abandon it for ever. Theyoung Officer, though considerably confused and embarrassed by thisobservation, was not to be disappointed of his booty, returned thisproperty, and demanded the larger sum, which for safety had beenconcealed in the bottom of the carriage. The manner however in whichthis was done, only served to confirm the suspicions of the Baronet, which he could not help expressing, as he acknowledged the accuracy ofthe Highwayman's information, and produced the property, observing, hewas sure that ~203~~circumstances of no common kind could have impelledhim to this flagrant breach of the laws. He asked as a favour, that hewould grant him an interview at some future period, pledging his honourthat he should have no occasion to repent such a singular mark ofconfidence. 

"The Officer replied that he had, and he felt he could with safetytrust both his life and his honour in the veracity of Sir ----, andappointed a meeting at the London Coffee House, Ludgate Hill, onlystipulating, that at such meeting both parties were to be unattended. As the day of meeting approached, the Baronet thought seriously of thesolicited rencontre, and after enjoining perfect secresy on the part ofhis friend, Col. ----, entreated him to be his companion. The Colonellaughed at the idea, that any man who had robbed another should soindiscreetly place his life in his hands, had no conception of hiskeeping his appointment, and solemnly assured the Baronet that he wouldin no case divulge who or what he was, that he might become acquaintedwith. 

"The Colonel ridiculed his friend's credulity as they entered the house, and were shewn to a private room. The appointed hour was eight in theevening, and, as the clock of St. Paul's struck, a Gentleman inquiringfor Sir ---- was shewn into the room--wine was ordered, and for an houra general conversation on the popular topics of the day ensued, when theGentleman, evidently under deeply impressed feelings of embarrassmentand disappointment, in which the Colonel seemed to partake, arose, andpolitely took his leave. 

"' Well, ' said the Baronet, 'what think you of my Highwayman now 1--am Inot right?--is he not a gentleman?'

"' And this is the robber, is it, Sir?' said the Colonel--'Be assuredhe shall swing for it--why, Sir, I know him well, he is a ---- in my ownregiment. '

"'Hold, ' said the Baronet, 'don't be rash, remember the solemn promiseyou have given, and do not deceive me--I hold you bound to me, and willnot permit you to break your engagement--I have better objects in viewthan the death of a fellow-creature. '

"He then requested to be informed of the general tenor of the youngman's conduct, which he found to be excellent, and that he was anindefatigable officer--'Indeed, ' said the Colonel, 'it would give me thegreatest ~204~~pain to lose him--an incomparably affectionate husbandand father. He has but one vice, to which may be attributed hisdestruction, viz. His inordinate passion for gaming; but I cannot feeljustified in screening so flagrant an offender--the law must take itscourse. '

"'Moderate your indignation, ' said the worthy Baronet, assuming a moreserious tone, 'and remember you must be personalty answerable to me forany disclosure you may think proper to make; and that inasmuch as youinjure him, you must injure me. You have already given him so high acharacter in every respect but one, that I must interest you furtherin his behalf, and beg you to assist me in my endeavours to reclaim, instead of punishing him. '

"The Colonel was surprised; but the Baronet was inflexible. In vainhe urged that the magnitude of the crime utterly precluded such aproceeding. 

"' It must be done, ' said the Baronet, 'it shall be done. Leave all theconsequences to me; he has now left us in extreme, though suppressedagitation--There is no time to lose--fly to save him. '

"The Colonel expressed his readiness to try the experiment. 

"' Then, ' said the Baronet, 'follow him immediately, assure him ofmy forgiveness, and that if he will pledge his word to forsake thisdangerous vice, what he has already obtained he may hold as a gift, andI will add whatever may be necessary to extricate him from any temporaryembarrassment. '

"It was an important embassy--life or death was to be decided by it. TheColonel took his departure, certain of finding him at home taking leaveof his family, and, reaching his habitation a short time after hisarrival, witnessed a scene of misery which, although he had partlyanticipated, he could not have conceived. He found him, surrounded byhis wife and children, in an agony of desperation and despair. 

"When he entered the apartment, the poor culprit, convinced by thepresence of his Colonel that all was lost, fell on his knees, andsupplicated if possible that his fame, not his life, might be spared forthe sake of his afflicted but innocent and injured family. Language hasno power to describe the surprise and consternation with which, after asevere lecture, he received the joyful intelligence of ~205~~whichhis Colonel was the bearer. He returned with his Commanding Officerto ---- Square, where he was received by the Baronet as a repentantfriend; and has lived to repair his error, and become deservedlydistinguished as an ornament to society, civil and religious as well asmilitary. "

"That must be truly gratifying to the worthy Baronet, {1}' said Tom. 

"No doubt of it, " continued Sparkle, "it must be a source of continuedpleasure to find his labours have had so beneficial a result, having inall probability saved a whole family from destruction. Surely it may besaid, that

 "Among the idiot pranks of Wealth's abuse, None seem so monstrous, none have less excuse, Than those which throw an heritage away Upon the lawless chance of desperate play; Nor is there among knaves a wretch more base Than he who steals it with a smiling face, Who makes diversion to destruction tend, And thrives upon the ruin of a friend. "

--"Yet the Greek, like the swindler{l} and the horse jockey, 1 Swindler--Is a term originally derived from the German, Schwindel, which signifies merely to cheat. It was first introduced as a cant term, and used to signify obtaining of goods, credit, or money, under false pretences. It has since had a legislative adoption, being parliamentary recognised by an Act for the prevention of it. The artifices, schemes, and crimes, resorted to by these gentry, are so numerous, that it would be impossible to describe them all. One mode of practice, however, is not uncommon in London. 

 Three or four swell Jews contrive to hire a large house with some spare rooms, in the City, that are turned into warehouses, in which are a number of casks, boxes, &e. Filled with sand; and also a quantity of large sugar-loaves in appearance, which are only clay done up in blue paper, but corded and made up with great nicety. 

 An elegant Counting-house is likewise furnished with books and other apparatus, to deceive the eye and give the appearance of extensive business, great regularity, and large property. The Clerks in attendance are a set of Jews, who are privy to the scheme, and equally ready at fraud as those who profess to be the Principals. 

 A Dining-room elegantly furnished upon the _mace_, * receives you

 * The Mace--Is a person who carries all the appearance of a great and rich man, with servants, carriages, &c. For the purpose of defrauding tradesmen and others, by all manner of plans most calculated to entrap the parties they intend to dupe. 

 whenever it is necessary to admit of your visits; a Black Servant opens the street-door, and the foot of the stair- case presents surtouts, boots, livery-cloths, a large blue coat with a yellow cape, and habiliments in which the opulent! array their servants. With these and similar merchant-like appearances Trade is commenced, and persons dispatched to provincial manufacturing towns, to buy various articles; for the amount of the first purchases, bills are drawn upon the Firm, and even before the goods are pack'd up, and sent according to order, the acceptances are paid, and, by this means, credit is partly established, which, once accomplished, they are in want of large assortments for exportation upon credit, at one, two, and three months. The goods are accordingly chosen and forwarded to their associates in London, where they are immediately disposed of at 20 or 30 per cent, cheaper than the prime cost, and the money realised. The first bills become due, are noted, and protested. The second are presented, but the House has stopped payment, and the Owners are bankrupts. By the time the third month's bills become due, the docket is struck, the Assignees chosen, and there is not sixpence in the pound left for the Creditors. Petitions are ineffectually presented to the Chancellor, for a number of fictitious Creditors, of the same profession and persuasion, over-swear the just ones, and by exceeding them in number and value, the House obtains its certificate, and has again the power of committing similar depredations. 

 Perhaps the most daring and systematic proceeding of this kind was that lately detected in the conspiracy of Mosely Wolfe and his confederates, for which he is now suffering the sentence of the law. 

~206~~prides himself on his success, boasts of his being _down as anail_, and--"

"_Down as a nail!_" said Bob, "I don't remember hearing that expressionbefore. "

"_Down as a hammer, or Down as a nail_" continued Sparkle, "are cant orslang terms made use of among gamblers, and are synonimous with beingup; and it must be confessed that there are many ups and downs amongstthem. These flash words are well understood by many a young Greek, whoperhaps knows nothing of the Greek Testament, although the use of themhas proved in some cases beyond the comprehension of a Judge. Hence thenecessity of knowing Life; for if a man gets familiarized with low life, he will necessarily be up, and consequently stand a great chance ofbeing a rising genius. How proper it must be to know how to get a riseupon a fellow, or, in other words, to get him in a line!

"A learned Judge once, examining a queer covy, a flash customer, or arum fellow, asked him his reason for suspecting the prisoner at thebar of stealing a watch, (which among the lads is scientificallytermed nimming a toiler, or ~207~~nabbing a clicker, ) replied asfollows:--'Why, your honour, only because you see as how I was up tohim. '--'How do you mean, what is being up to him? '--' Why, bless yourheart, I was down upon him, and had him bang. ' But still perceiving thelearned Gentleman's want of nous, he endeavoured to explain by saying, That he was _up to his gossip_, --that he stagged him, for he was notto be done--that he knew the trick, and was up the moment the chapcame into the Cock and Hen Club, where he was tucking in his grub andbub. --Had the learned Judge been up himself, much time and trouble mighthave been saved; and indeed the importance of being down as a nail, to aman of fashion, is almost incalculable; for this reason it is, that menof high spirit think it no derogation from their dignity or rank, to bewell acquainted with all the slang of the coachman and stable-boy, all the glossary of the Fancy, and all the mysterious language ofthe scamps, the pads, the divers, and all upon the lay, which, by anattentive and apt scholar, may easily be procured at a Gaming-house. 

"Of Hells in general, it may fairly be asserted, that they areinfernally productive; no other line of business can be compared tothese money mills, since they are all thriving concerns, the proprietorsof which keep their country houses, extensive establishments, dashingequipages; and

 "While they have money they ride it in chaises. And look very big upon those that have none. "

"It certainly is a pity that men do not keep constantly in theirrecollection, that no calculation of chances can avail them, and thatbetween the après, the limitation of stakes, and other manouvres, thetable must eventually be an immense winner. 

"For Greeks stick at nothing to gain their own ends, And they sacrificeall their acquaintance and friends;

 And thus luckless P'----n, to gain what he'd lost, Put his faith in a Greek, which he knows to his cost; Join'd a bank, ashe thought, when the sly Greeking elf Of a friend soon contriv'd forto break it himself. You credulous pigeons! I would have you beware, Offalling yourselves in a similar snare. "

"We ought to consider ourselves greatly obliged, " said Merry well, "forthe accurate description of characters ~208~~you have given. But haveyou heard the report that is now in circulation, that a certainMarquis of high military celebrity, and whose property is, or was, veryconsiderable, has lost almost his last shilling?"

"I, " said Sparkle, "am seldom surprised at such rumours, particularly ofpersons who are known to be players, for they are rich and poor in rapidsuccession; but if there be any truth in the report, there is a fineexample of perseverance before him--for Lord ----, after a long run ofill-luck, being refused the loan of an additional rouleau, {1} onaccount of his score being rather long, left the company in dudgeon, anddetermining on revenge, actually opened another Hell in opposition tothe one he had left, and by that means recovered all his money. "

"That was well done, " rejoined Tallyho. 

"It was rather too much of a trading concern for a Lord, " said Tom. 

"Not for a gambling Lord, " replied Merry well; "for there is in factnothing beneath a Greek, in the way of play: besides, it was a tryingsituation, and required some desperate attempt--they care not who theyassociate with, so they do but bring grist to the mill. "

"The confusion of persons and characters at a Gaming-house, " saidSparkle, "are almost incredible, all ranks and descriptions are mingledtogether. 

"What confusion of titles and persons we see Amongst Gamesters, whospring out of every degree, From the prince to the pauper; all pantingfor play, Their fortune, their time, and their life pass away; Just asmingled are Pigeons, for 'tis no rebuke For a Greek to pluck all, from aGroom to a Duke. "

"It is too true, " said Dashall, "and equally as certain, that there arecontinually new comers ready and willing to be duped, or at least readyto risk their property, notwithstanding the warnings they have fromtheir more experienced friends. "

"And is there no possibility of obtaining fair play?" inquired Bob, "orredress for being pigeon'd, as you term it?"

 1 A Rouleau--Is a packet containing one hundred guineas; but as guineas are not quite so fashionable in the present day as they formerly were, some of these Houses, for the accommodation of their customers, circulate guinea-notes upon their bankers. 

~209~~"None, " said Sparkle; "for if men will play at bowls, they mustexpect rubbers; and the system of confederacy is carried on every where, though perhaps with most success in those professed Gambling-houses, which young men of property ought carefully to avoid. "

By this time they had reached the end of St. James's Street; it wastherefore proposed by Sparkle that they should separate, particularlyas it was growing late, or rather early in the morning; and, as they hadbeen in some degree baffled in their attempt to take a minute surveyof the proceedings in Pall Mall, they had no decided object inview. Accordingly they parted, Tom and Bob pursuing their way alongPiccadilly, while Sparkle, Merrywell, and Mortimer, proceeded down BondStreet. 

"I am by no means satisfied, " said Tom, "with this evening's ramble, norexactly pleased to find our friend Sparkle is getting so sentimental. "

"He is, at least, " said Tallyho, "very communicative and instructive--Ishould feel less embarrassment at a future visit to one of thoseplaces, though, I can assure you, I should carefully avoid the chance ofbecoming a pigeon; but to know these things is certainly useful. "

"We must lay our plans better for the future, " said Tom--"example isbetter than precept; and, as for Sparkle, I strongly suspect he isstudying a part in All for Love, or the World well lost. That kind ofstudy is too laborious for me, I can't bear to be fettered; or if it betrue that it is what we must all come to, my time is not yet arrived. Though I confess Miss Mortimer has many attractions not to be overlookedby an attentive observer; at the same time I perceive this Mr. Merrywellis equally assiduous to obtain the young lady's favours. "

By this time they had arrived at home, where, after partaking ofrefreshment, they retired to rest. ~210~~

CHAPTER XV

 "Cataracts of declamation thunder here, There, forests of no meaning spread the page, In which all comprehension wanders, lost, While fields of pleasantry amuse us there With many descants on a nation's woes. The rest appears a wilderness of strange, But gay confusion--roses for the cheeks, And lilies for the brows of faded age; Teeth for the toothless, ringlets for the bald, Heav'n, earth, and ocean, plunder'd of their sweets; Nectareous essences, Olympian dews, Sermons and City feasts, and fav'rite airs, Ethereal journeys, submarine exploits, And Katerfelto with his hair on end, At his own wonders wond'ring for his bread. "

"WELL, " said Tom, "it must be confessed that a Newspaper is a mostconvenient and agreeable companion to the breakfast-table, " layingdown the _Times_ as he spoke: "it is a sort of literary hotch-potch, calculated to afford amusement suited to all tastes, rank-, and degrees;it contains

 "Tales of love and maids mistaken, Of battles fought, and captives taken. "

"Then, I presume, " said Bob, "you have been gratified and interested inthe perusal?"

"It is impossible to look down the columns of a newspaper, " replied Tom, "without finding subjects to impart light; and of all the journalsof the present day, the _Times_ appears to me the best in point ofinformation and conduct; but I spoke of newspapers generally, thereis such a mixture of the _utile et dulce_, that the Merchant and theMechanic, the Peer, the Poet, the Prelate, and the Peasant, are alldeeply concerned in its contents. In truth, a newspaper is so true amark of the caprice of Englishmen, that it may justly be styled theircoat of ~211~~arms. The Turkish Koran is not near so sacred to arigid Mahometan--a parish-dinner to an Overseer--a turtle-feast to anAlderman, or an election to a Freeholder, as a Gazette or Newspaper toan Englishman: by it the motions of the world are watched, and in somedegree governed--the arts and sciences protected and promoted--thevirtuous supported and stimulated--the vicious reproved andcorrected--and all informed. "

"Consequently, " said Bob, "a good Newspaper is really a valuablearticle. "

"Doubtless, " continued Tom; "and John Bull--mistake me not, I don'tmean the paper which bears that title--I mean the population of England, enjoy a Newspaper, and there are some who could not relish theirbreakfasts without one; it is a sort of general sauce to every thing, and to the _quid nunc_ is indispensable--for if one informs him of anaval armament, he will not fail to toast the Admirals all round in pintbumpers to each, wishes them success, gets drunk with excessive loyalty, and goes with his head full of seventy-fours, sixty-fours, frigates, transports, fire-ships, &c. In its diversified pages, persons of everyrank, denomination, and pursuit, may be informed--the Philosopher, thePolitician, the Citizen, the Handicraftsman, and the Gossip, are regaledby the novelty of its contents, the minuteness of its details, and therefreshing arrivals of transactions which occupy the attention of humanbeings at the greatest or nearest distances from us--

 "----a messenger of grief Perhaps to thousands, and of joy to some: What is it but a map of life, Its fluctuations and its vast concerns?"

It may with propriety be compared to the planetary system: the lightwhich it diffuses round the mental hemisphere, operates according asit is seen, felt, understood, or enjoyed: for instance, the Miseris gladdened by an account of the rise of the stocks--the Marineris rejoiced, at the safety of his vessel after a thunder-storm--theManufacturer, to hear of the revival of foreign markets--the Merchant, that his cargo is safely arrived--the Member, that his election issecured--the Father, that his son is walling to return home--thePoet, that ~212~~his production has been favourably received by thepublic--the Physician, that a difficult cure is transmitting his fameto posterity--the Actor, that his talents are duly appreciated--theAgriculturist, that grain fetches a good price--the upright man, thathis character is defended--the poor man, that beer, meat, bread, andvegetables, are so within his reach that he can assure himself of beingable to obtain a good Sunday's dinner. 

"Tho' they differ in narrie, all alike, just the same, MorningChronicle, Times, Advertiser, British Press, Morning Post, of News--whata host We read every day, and grow wiser; The Examiner, Whig--all aliveto the gig, While each one his favourite chooses; Star, Traveller, andSun, to keep up the fun, And tell all the world what the news is. "

"Well done, " said Bob, "you seem to have them all at your tongue's end, and their general contents in your head; but, for my part, I am struckwith surprise to know how it is they find interesting matter enough atall times to fill their columns. "

"Nothing more easy, " continued Dashall, "especially for a newspaperwhose contents are not sanctioned by authority; in which case they areso much the more the receptacle of invention--thence--We hear--it issaid--a correspondent remarks--whereas, &c--all which serve to please, surprise, and inform. We hear, can alter a man's face as the weatherwould a barometer--It is said, can distort another like a fit of thespasm--If, can make some cry--while Suppose, can make others laugh--buta Whereas operates like an electric shock; and though it often runs theextremity of the kingdom in unison with the rest, they altogether forma very agreeable mixture, occasionally interspersed, as opportunityoffers, with long extracts from the last published novel, and anaccount of the prevailing fashions. But domestic occurrences form a veryessential part of this folio: thus, a marriage hurts an old maid andmortifies a young one, while it consoles many a poor dejected husband, who is secretly pleased to find another fallen into his case--a death, if of a wife, makes husbands envy the widower, while, perhaps, some oneof the women who censure his alleged want of ~213~~decent sorrow, marryhim within a month after--in fact, every person is put in motion by aNewspaper. 

 "Here various news is found, of love and strife; Of peace and war, health, sickness, death, and life; Of loss and gain, of famine and of store; Of storms at sea, and travels on the shore; Of prodigies and portents seen in air; Of fires and plagues, and stars with blazing hair; Of turns of fortune, changes in the state, The falls of favourites, projects of the great. "

"It is a bill of fare, containing all the luxuries as well asnecessaries, of life. Politics, for instance, are the roast beef of thetimes; essays, the plum pudding; and poetry the fritters, confections, custards, and all the _et cotera_ of the table, usually denominatedtrifles. Yet the four winds are not liable to more mutability thanthe vehicles of these entertainments; for instance, on Monday, itis whispered--on Tuesday, it is rumoured--on Wednesday, it isconjectured--on Thursday, it is probable--on Friday, it is positivelyasserted--and, on Saturday, it is premature. But notwithstanding this, some how or other, all are eventually pleased; for, as the affectionsof all are divided among wit, anecdote, poetry, prices of stocks, thearrival of ships, &c. A Newspaper is a repository where every one hashis hobby-horse; without it, coffee-houses, &c. Would be depopulated, and the country squire, the curate, the exciseman, and the barber, andmany others, would lose those golden opportunities of appearing so verywise as they do. 

A Newspaper may also be compared to the Seasons. Its information varieson the roll of Time, and much of it passes away as a Winter, giving manya bitter pang of the death of a relative or hopeful lover; it is as aSpring, for, in the time of war and civil commotion, its luminary, theeditor, like the morning sun, leads Hope forward to milder days andhappier prospects--the smiles of peace; it is the heart's Summercalendar, giving news of marriages and births for heirs and patrons;it is the Autumn of joy, giving accounts of plenty, and guarding theavaricious against the snares of self-love, and offering arguments infavour of humanity. It is more; a Newspaper is one of the most faithfullessons that can be represented to our reflections, for, while it is theinterpreter ~214~of the general economy of nature, it is a most kind andable instructress to improve ourselves. 

What are our lives but as the ephemeral appearance of an advertisement?Our actions but as the actions of a popular contest? Our hopes, fears, exultations, but as the cross readings of diurnal events? And althoughgrief is felt at the perusal of accidents, offences, and crimes, whichare necessarily and judiciously given, there is in every good Newspaperan impartial record, an abstract of the times, a vast fund of usefulknowledge; and, finally, no person has reason, after perusing it, torise without being thankful that so useful a medium is offered to hisunderstanding; at least, this is my opinion. "

"And now you have favoured me with this opinion, " rejoined Tallyho, "will you be kind enough to inform me to what fortunate circumstance Iam indebted for it?"

"The question comes very apropos, " continued Tom--"for I had nearlyforgotten that circumstance, so that you may perhaps be inclined tocompare my head to a newspaper, constantly varying from subject tosubject; but no matter, a novelty has just struck my eye, which Ithink will afford us much gratification: it is the announcement ofan exhibition of engravings by living artists, under the immediatepatronage of his Majesty, recently opened in Soho Square, through thepublic spirited exertions of Mr. Cooke, a celebrated engraver--And nowI think of it, Mortimer and his Sister intend visiting SomersetHouse--egad! we will make a morning of it in reviewing the Arts--whatsay you?"

"With all my heart, " returned Bob. 

"Be it so, then, " said Tom--"So-ho, my boy--perhaps we may meet thelove-sick youth, poor Sparkle; he has certainly received the wound ofthe blind urchin--I believe we must pity him--but come, let us prepare, we will lounge away an hour in walking down Bond Street--peep at thewags and the wag-tails, and take Soho Square in our way to SomersetHouse. I feel myself just in the humour for a bit of gig, and 1 promiseyou we will make a night of it. "

The preliminaries of their route being thus arranged, in half an hourthey were on their road down Bond Street, marking and remarking uponcircumstances and subjects as they arose. 

"Who is that Lady?" said Bob, seeing Tom bow as a dashing carriage passedthem. 

"That is a Lady Townley, according to the generally

received term. "

"A lady of title, as I suspected, " said Bob. 

"Yes, yes, " replied Tom Dashall, "a distinguished personage, I canassure you--one of the most dashing demireps of the present day, baskingat this moment in the plenitude of her good fortune. She is howeverdeserving of a better fate: well educated and brought up, she was earlyinitiated into the mysteries and miseries of high life. You seem towonder at the title I have given her. "

"I am astonished again, I confess, " replied Bob; "but it appears thereis no end to wonders in London--nor can I guess how you so accuratelyknow them. "

"Along residence in London affords opportunities for

discovery. 

"As the French very justly say, that _Il n'y a que le premier pas quicoûte_, and just as, with all the sapience of medicine, there is buta degree betwixt the Doctor and the Student, so, after the first step, there is but a degree betwixt the Demirep and the gazetted Cyprian, whois known by head-mark to every insipid Amateur and Fancier in the town. 

"The number of these frail ones is so great, that, if I were to attemptto go through the shades and gradations, the distinctions and titles, from the promiscuous Duchess to the interested Marchande de mode, andfrom her down to the Wood Nymphs of the English Opera, there wouldbe such a longo ordine génies, that although it is a very interestingsubject, well worthy of investigation, it would occupy a considerableportion of time; however, I will give you a slight sketch of somewell known and very topping articles. Mrs. B----m, commonly calledB----g, Mrs. P----n, and Mrs. H----d, of various life. "The modernPyrrha, B----g, has a train as long as an eastern monarch, but it isa train of lovers. The Honourable B---- C----n, that famous gentlemanmiller, had the honour at one time (like Cromwell, ) of being theProtector of the Republic. The infamous Greek, bully, informer andreprobate W----ce, was her accomplice and paramour at another. LordV----l boasted her favours at a third period; and she wished to lookupon him in a fatherly ~216~~light; but it would not do. Mr. C. T. S. The nephew of a great naval character, is supposed to have a greateror prior claim there; but the piebald harlequin is owned not by "Lighthorse, but by heavy. "

"Mr. P----y, however, was so struck with the increased

attractions of this Cyprian, that he offered to be her protector duringa confinement which may be alarming to many, but interesting to a few. This was being doubly diligent, and accordingly as it was two to one inhis favour, no wonder he succeeded in his suit. The difficulties whichMadame laboured under were sufficient to decide her in this youth'sfavour; and the preference, upon such an occasion, must have been highlyflattering to him. On the score of difficulties, Cyprians are quite infashion; for executions and arrests are very usual in their mansions, and the last comer has the exquisite felicity of relieving them. 

"Although this dashing Lady was the daughter of a bathing woman atBrighton, she was not enabled to keep her head above water. 

"I must not forget Poll P----n, whose select friends have such causeto be proud of lier election. This Diana is not descended from a memberof the Rump Parliament, nor from a bum bailiff; but was the daughterof a bumboat woman at Plymouth. She has, however, since that period, commenced business for herself; and that in such a respectable andextensive line, that she counts exactly seven thousand customers! allregularly booked. What a delectable amusement to keep such a register!_Neanmoins_, or _nean plus_, if you like. It is reported that the nobleY---- was so delighted with her at the Venetian fête given by Messrs. W--ll--ms and D--h--r--ty, that he gave the Virgin Unmasked several veryvaluable presents, item, a shawl value one hundred guineas, &c. Andwas honoured by being put on this Prime Minister of the Court of Love'slist--number Seven thousand and one! What a fortunate man!

"Mrs. H----d is lineally descended, not from William the Conqueror, but from W----s the coachman. She lived, for a considerable time, ina mews, and it was thought that it was his love for the _Muses_ whichattached C---- L---- so closely to her. She was seduced at a mostindelicately juvenile age by a Major M----l, who protected her buta short time, and then deserted her. Then ~217~~she became what theCyprians term Lady Townly, till Mr. H----d, a youth with considerableWest India property in expectation, married her. 

"On this happy occasion, her hymeneal flame burned with so much warmthand purity, that she shared it with a linen-draper, and the circumstancebecame almost immediately known to the husband! This was a happypresage of future connubial felicity! The very day before this domesticexposure, and the happy vigil of Mr. H----d's happier "_jour desnoces_, " the darling of the Muses or Mewses, Mr. L---- procured LadyH----d's private box for her at one of the theatres, whither she andMrs. CI----y, the mistress of an officer of that name, repaired in thecarriage of the Mews lover, which has become completely "the Demirep orCyprian's Diligence, " and these patterns for the fair sex had poured outsuch plentiful libations to Bacchus, that her ladyship's box exhibitedthe effects of their devotions! What a regale for the Princess ofMadagascar!

"The guardians, or trustees, of Mr. H----d now withheld his property, and Madame assisted him into the King's Bench, during which time shekept terms with Mr. L---- at Oxford. On her return, she got acquaintedwith a Capt. Cr----ks, whom she contrived soon afterwards to lodge, inthe next room to her husband, in the Bench; but to whom she kindly gavethe preference in her visits. 

"Whether C---- L----, W--lk--s the linen-draper, or Capt. C----k, be the most favoured swain, or swine, I venture not to say; but theformer has devoted his time, his chariot, and his female acquaintances'boxes in public to her. As a pledge of his love, she helped herself toa loose picture of great value belonging to him, which very nearly fellinto the hands of John Doe or Richard Roe, on her husband's account, afterwards. The palm should, however, certainly be given to Mr. L----, as he courted her classically, moralized to her sentimentally, sungpsalms and prayed with her fervently, and, on all occasions, treated herlike a lady. "

"Ha, " said a fashionably dressed young man, who approached towardsDashall, "Ha, my dear fellow, how goes it with you? Haven't seenyou this month; d----d unlucky circumstance--wanted you very muchindeed--glorious sport--_all jolly and bang up_. " ~218~~"Glad to hearit, " said Tom, --"sorry you should have experienced any wants on myaccount. "

"Which way are you going? Come along, I'll tell you of such aspree--regular, and nothing but--You must know, a few days ago, sauntering down Bond-street, I overtook Sir G. W. 'Ha! my gay fellow, 'said he, 'I thought you were at Bibury; you're the very man I want. Mybrother Jack has lost a rump and dozen to a young one, and we want tomake up a select party, a set of real hardheaded fellows, to sharethe feast. I have already recruited Sir M. M. , the buck Parson, LordLavender, and Tom Shuffleton. Then there's yourself, I hope, my brotherand I, the young one, and A----'s deputy, the reprobate Curate, whomwe will have to make fun of. We dine at half-past seven, at Long's, andthere will be some sport, I assure you. '

"I accepted the invitation, and met the company before mentioned. Arump and dozen is always a nominal thing. There was no rump, exceptLavender's, which projects like a female's from the bottom of atight-laced pair of stays; and as for the dozen, I believe we dranknearer three dozen of different expensive wines, which were tasted oneafter the other with a quickness of succession, which at last left notaste, but a taste for more drink, and for all sorts of wickedness. 

"This tasting plan is a very successful trick of tavern keepers, whichenables them to carry off half bottles of wine, to swell the reckoningmost amazingly, and so to bewilder people as to the qualities of thewine, that any thing, provided it be strong and not acid, will go downat the heel of the evening. It is also a grand manouvre; to intoxicatea Johnny Raw, and to astonish his weak mind with admiration for thefounder of the feast. Therefore, the old trick of 'I have got someparticularly high-flavoured Burgundy, which Lord Lavender very muchapproved t'other day;' and, 'Might I, Sir, ask your opinion of a newimportation of Sillery?' or, 'My Lord, 1 have bought all the Nabob'sEast India Madeira, ' &c. Was successfully practised. 

"Through the first course we were stag-hunting, to a man, and killedthe stag just as the second course came on the table. This course wasoccupied by a great number of long shots of Sir M. M. , and by Lavenderoffering to back himself and the buck Parson against any other two~219~~men in England, as to the number of head of game which they wouldbag from sun-rise to sun-set upon the moors. A foot race, and a disputeas to the odds betted on the second October Meeting, occupied thethird course. The desert was enlivened by a list of ladies of alldescriptions, whose characters were cut up full as ably as the haunch ofvenison was carved; and here boasting of success in love was as generalas the custom is base. One man of fashion goes by the name of Kiss andtell. 

"After an hour of hard drinking, as though it had been for a wager, anumber of very manly, nice little innocent and instructive amusementswere resorted to. We had a most excellent maggot race for a hundred; andthen a handycap for a future poney race. We had pitching a guinea into adecanter, at which the young one lost considerably. We had a rafflefor a gold snuff box, a challenge of fifty against Lord Lavender'sDusseldorf Pipe, and five hundred betted upon the number of shot to beput into a Joe Manton Rifle. We played at _te-to-tum_; and the youngone leaped over a handkerchief six feet high for a wager: he performedextremely well at first, but at last Lavender, who betted against him, kept plying him so with wine, and daring him to an inch higher andhigher, until at last the young one broke his nose, and lost fivehundred guineas by his boyish diversion. 

Now we had a fulminating letter introduced as a hoax upon Shuffleton;next, devils and broiled bones; then some blasphemous songs from theCurate, who afterwards fell asleep, and thus furnished an opportunityfor having his face blacked. We then got in a band of itinerantmusicians; put crackers in their pockets; cut off one fellow's tail; andhad a milling match betwixt the baronet in the chair and the stoutest ofthem, who, having had spirits of wine poured over his head, refused tolet the candle be put to it!

Peace being restored, a regular supper appeared; and then a regularset-to at play, where I perceived divers signals thrown out, such asrubbing of foreheads and chins, taking two pinches of snuff and otherprivate telegraphic communications, the result of which was, the youngone, just of age, being greeked to a very great amount. 

We now sallied forth, like a pack in full cry, with all the loudexpression of mirth and riot, and proceeded to 220~~old 77, which, beingshut up, we swore like troopers, and broke the parlour windows in arage. We next cut the traces of a hackney coach, and led the horses intoa mews, ?where we tied them up; coachee being asleep inside the wholetime. We then proceeded to old _Ham-a-dry-ed_, the bacon man's, calledout Fire, and got the old man down to the door in his shirt, whenLavender ran away with his night-cap, and threw it into the water inSt. James's Square, whilst the Baronet put it in right and left at hissconce, and told him to hide his d----d ugly masard. This induced himto come out and call the Watch, during which time the buck Parson gotinto his house, and was very snug with the cook wench until the nextevening, when _old fusty mug_ went out upon business. 

After giving a view holloa! we ran off, with the Charleys in full cryafter us, when Sir G. W. , who had purposely provided himself with a longcord, gave me one end, and ran to the opposite side of Jermyn Streetwith the other in his hand, holding it about two feet from the pavement. The old Scouts came up in droves, and we had 'em down in a moment, forevery mother's son of the guardians were caught in the trap, and rolledover each other slap into the kennel. Never was such a prime bit of gig!They lay stunn'd with the fall--broken lanterns, staves, rattles, Welshwigs, night-caps and old hats, were scattered about in abundance, whilegrunting, growling, and swearing was heard in all directions. Oneold buck got his jaw-bone broken; another staved in two of his crazytimbers, that is to say, broke a couple of ribs; a third bled from thenose like a pig; a fourth squinted admirably from a pair of paintedpeepers; their numbers however increasing, we divided our forces andmarched in opposite directions; one party sallied along Bond Street, nailed up a snoosy Charley in his box, and bolted with his lantern: theothers were not so fortunate, for A----'s deputy cushion thumper, theyoung one, and the Baronet's brother, got safely lodged in St. James'sWatch-house. 

"Broad daylight now glar'd upon us--Lavender retired comfortably uponMadame la Comtesse in the Bench; Sir M. M. Was found chanting Cannonswith some Wood nymphs not an hundred and fifty miles off from LeicesterSquare; I had the President to carry home on my shoulders, bundledto bed, and there I lay sick for four and twenty hours, when a littleinspiring Coniac brought ~221~~me to my senses again, and now I am readyand ripe for another spree. Stap my vitals if there isn't Lavender--mydear fellow, adieu--remember me to Charley Sparkle when you see him--by, by. " And with this he sprung across the road, leaving Bob and his Cousinto comment at leisure upon his folly. 

They were however soon aroused from their reflections by perceiving aGroom in livery advancing rapidly towards them, followed by a curricle, moving at the rate of full nine miles per hour. 

"Who have we here?" said Bob. 

"A character well known, " said Tom; "that is Lady L----, a dashingfemale whip of the first order--mark how she manages her tits--take apeep at her costume and learn while you look. "

"More than one steed must Delia's empire feel Who sits triumphant o'erthe flying wheel; And as she guides it through th' admiring throng, Withwhat an air she smacks the silken thong!"

The Lady had a small round riding-hat, of black beaver, and sat in thetrue attitude of a coachman--wrists pliant, elbows square, she handledher whip in a scientific manner; and had not Tom declared her sex, Bobwould hardly have discovered it from her outward appearance. She wasapproaching them at a brisk trot, greeting her numerous acquaintance asshe passed with familiar nods, at each giving her horses an additionaltouch, and pursing up her lips to accelerate their speed; indeed, shewas so intent upon the management of her reins, and her eyes so fixedupon her cattle, that there was no time for more than a sort of sidelongglance of recognition; and every additional smack of the whip seem'd tosay, "_Here I come--that's your sort_. " Her whole manner indeed wasvery similar to what may be witnessed in Stage-coachmen, Hackneymen, and fashionable Ruffians, who appear to think that all merit consists incopying them when they tip a brother whip the go-by, or almost graze thewheel of a Johnny-raw, and turn round with a grin of self-approbation, as much as to say--"_What d'ye think of that now, eh f--there's a touchfor you--lord, what a flat you must be!_"

Bob gazed with wonder and astonishment as she passed. 

"How?" said he, "do the ladies of London frequently take the whip?--"

~222~~"--Hand of their husbands as well as their horses, " repliedTom--"often enough, be assured. "

"But how, in the name of wonder, do they learn to drive in this style?"

"Easily enough; inclination and determination will accomplish theirobjects. Why, among the softer sex, we have female Anatomists--femaleStudents in Natural History--Sculptors, and Mechanics of alldescriptions--Shoe-makers and Match-makers--and why not Charioteers?"

"Nay, I am not asking why; but as it appears rather out of the commonway, I confess my ignorance has excited my curiosity on a subject whichseems somewhat out of nature. "

"I have before told you, Nature has nothing to do with Real Life inLondon. "

"And yet, " continued Bob, "we are told, and I cannot help confessing thetruth of the assertion, with respect to the ladies, that

 "----Loveliness Needs not the foreign aid of ornament, But is, when unadorned, adorn'd the most, " This certainly implies a natural or native grace. "

"Pshaw, " said Dashall, "that was according to the Old school; suchdoctrines are completely exploded now-a-days, for Fashion is at variancewith Nature in all her walks; hence, driving is considered one of theaccomplishments necessary to be acquired by the female sex in high life, by which an estimate of character may be formed: for instance--if a ladytake the reins of her husband, her brother, or a lover, it is stronglyindicative of assuming the mastery; but should she have no courage ormuscular strength, and pays no attention to the art of governing andguiding her cattle, it is plain that she will become no driver, no whip, and may daily run the risk of breaking the necks of herself and friends. If however she should excel in this study, she immediately becomesmasculine and severe, and she punishes, when occasion requires, everyanimal within the reach of her lash--acquires an ungraceful attitude andmanner--heats her complexion by over exertion--sacrifices her softnessto accomplish her intentions--runs a risk of having hard hands, andperhaps a hard heart: at all events she gains unfeminine habits, and~223~~such as are found very difficult to get rid of, and prides herselfon being the go, the gaze, the gape, the stare of all who see her. "

"A very admirable, and no doubt equally happy state, " quoth Bob, halfinterrupting him. 

"If she learn the art of driving from the family coachman, it cannotbe doubted but such tuition is more than likely to give her additionalgrace, and to teach her all that is polite; and then the pleasure ofsuch company whilst superintending her studies, must tend to improve hermind; the freedom of these teachers of coachmanship, and the languagepeculiar to themselves, at first perhaps not altogether agreeable, isgradually worn away by the pride of becoming an accomplished whip--toknow how to _turn a corner in style--tickle Snarler in the ear--cut upthe yelper--take out a fly's eye in bang-up twig_. "

"Excellent! indeed, " cried Bob, charmed with Dashall's irony, andwilling to provoke it farther; "and pray, when this art of drivingis thoroughly learned, what does it tend to but a waste of time, amasculine enjoyment, and a loss of feminine character--of that sweet, soft and overpowering submission to and reliance on the other sex, which, whilst it demands our protection and assistance, arouses ourdearest sympathies--our best interests--attaches, enraptures, andsubdues us?"

"Nonsense, " continued Tom, "you might ask such questions for amonth--who cares about these submissions and reliances--protections andsympathies--they are not known, at least it is very unfashionable toacknowledge their existence. Why I have known ladies so infatuated andaffected by an inordinate love of charioteering, that it has completelyaltered them, not only as to dress, but manners and feeling, tillat length they have become more at home in the stable than thedrawing-room; and some, that are so different when dressed for dinner, that the driving habiliments appear like complete masquerade disguises. Indeed, any thing that is natural is considered quite out of nature; andthis affectation is not wholly confined to the higher circles, for inthe City even the men and the women seem to have changed places. 

 "Man-milliners and mantua-makers swarm With clumsy hands to deck the female form-- With brawny limbs to fit fine ladies' shapes, Or measure out their ribbons, lace and tapes; Or their rude eye the bosom's swell surveys, To cut out corsets or to stitch their stays; Or making essences and soft perfume, Or paint, to give the pallid cheek fresh bloom; Or with hot irons, combs, and frizzling skill, On ladies' heads their daily task fulfil; Or, deeply versed in culinary arts, Are kneading pasty, making pies and tarts; Or, clad in motley coat, the footman neat Is dangling after Miss with shuffling feet, Bearing in state to church her book of pray'r, Or the light pocket she disdains to wear;{1} Or in a parlour snug, 'the powdered lout The tea and bread and butter hands about. Where are the women, whose less nervous hands Might fit these lighter tasks, which pride demands? Some feel the scorn that poverty attends, Or pine in meek dépendance on their friends; Some patient ply the needle day by day, Poor half-paid seamsters, wasting life away; Some drudge in menial, dirty, ceaseless toil, Bear market loads, or grovelling weed the soil; Some walk abroad, a nuisance where they go, And snatch from infamy the bread of woe. "

"It is a strange sort of infatuation, this fashion, " said Bob, "and itis much to be regretted it should operate so much to the injury of thefair--"

"Do you see that young man on the opposite side of the way, "inquiredDashall, (stopping him short) "in nankin breeches and jockey-boots?"

"I do, " replied Tallyho; "and pray who is he?"

"The son of a wealthy Baronet who, with an eye to the main chance inearly life, engaged in some mercantile speculations, which provingproductive concerns, have elevated him to his present dignity, beyondwhich it is said he cannot go on account of his having once kept a shop. This son is one of what may be termed the _Ciphers of society_, a sortof useful article, like an 0 in arithmetic, to denominate numbers;one of those characters, if character it may be termed, of which thisMetropolis and its vicinity would furnish us with regiments. Indeed, the

1 It is related that a young lady of _haut ton_ in Paris was observedto have a tall fellow always following her wherever she went. Hergrandmother one day asked her what occasion there was for that man to bealways following her; to which she replied--"I must blow my nose, mustnot I, when I want?" This great genius was actually employed to carryher pocket-handkerchief. ~225~~general run of Fashionables are littlebetter than Ciphers, --very necessary at times in the House of Commons, to suit the purposes and forward the intentions of the Ministers, by which they obtain _titles_ to which they are not _entitled, _ andtransmit to posterity a race of ennobled boobies. What company, whatsociety does not abound with Ciphers, and oftentimes in such plenty thatthey are even serviceable to make the society considerable? What couldwe do to express on paper five hundred without the two ciphers, or beingcompelled to write eleven letters to explain what is equally well donein three figures? These Ciphers are useful at general meetings uponpublic questions, though, if they were all collected together in pointof intellectual value, they would amount to nought. They are equallyimportant as counters at a card-table, they tell for more than they areworth. Among the City Companies there are many of them to be found: andthe Army is not deficient, though great care is generally taken to sendthe most conspicuous Ciphers on foreign service. Public offices underGovernment swarm with them; and how many round O's or ciphers may befound among the gentlemen of the long robe, who, as Hudibras observes, "----never ope Their mouths, but out there flies a trope. "

In the twelve Judges it must be allowed there is no cipher, because theyhave two figures to support them; but take these two figures away, andthe whole wit of mankind may be defied to patch up or recruit the numberwithout having recourse to the race of Ciphers. 

"I have known a Cipher make a profound Statesman and a Secretary--nay, an Ambassador; but then it must be confess'd it has been by the timelyand prudent application of proper supporters; and it is certain, thatCiphers have more than once shewn themselves significant in high postsand stations, and in more reigns than one. Bounteous nature indulgesmankind in a boundless variety of characters as well as features, andhas given Ciphers to make up numbers, and very often by such additionsrenders the few much more significant and conspicuous. The Church hasits Ciphers--for a mitre looks as well on a round 0 as on any letter inthe alphabet, ~226~~and the expense to the nation is equally the same;consequently, John Bull has no right to complain. 

 "See in Pomposo a polite divine, More gay than grave, not half so sound as fine; The ladies' parson, proudly skill'd is he, To 'tend their toilet and pour out their tea; Foremost to lead the dance, or patient sit To deal the cards out, or deal out small wit; Then oh! in public, what a perfect beau, So powder'd and so trimm'd for pulpit show; So well equipp'd to tickle ears polite With pretty little subjects, short and trite. Well cull'd and garbled from the good old store Of polish'd sermons often preached before; With precious scraps from moral Shakespeare brought. To fill up awkward vacancies of thought, Or shew how he the orator can play Whene'er he meets with some good thing to say, Or prove his taste correct, his memory strong, Nor let his fifteen minutes seem too long: His slumbering mind no knotty point pursues, Save when contending for his tithes or dues. "

Thus far, although it must be allowed that ciphers are of use, it is notevery cipher that is truly useful. There are Ciphers of indolence, towhich some mistaken men give the title of men of fine parts--there areCiphers of Self-interest, to which others more wrongfully give the nameof Patriots--there are Bacchanalian Ciphers, who will not leave thebottle to save the nation, but will continue to guzzle till no onefigure in Arithmetic is sufficient to support them--then there areCiphers of Venus, who will abandon all state affairs to follow aCyprian, even at the risk of injuring a deserving wife--MilitaryCiphers, who forsake the pursuit of glory, and distrustful of their ownmerit or courage, affirm their distrust by a sedulous attendance at thelevees of men of power. In short, every man, in my humble opinion, isno other than a Cipher who does not apply his talents to the care of hismorals and the benefit of his country. "

"You have been ciphering for some time, " said Boh, "and I suppose youhave now finished your sum. "

"I confess, " continued Tom, "it has been a puzzling one--for, to makesomething out of nothing is impossible. "

"Not in all cases, " said Bob. 

"How so?--why you have proved it by your own shewing, that thesenothings are to be made something of. "

~227~~"I perceive, " replied Tom, "that your acquaintance with Sparkle isnot thrown away upon you; and it argues well, for if you are so readya pupil at imbibing his lessons, you will soon become a proficientin London manners and conversation; but a Cipher is like a _roundrobin_, {1} it has neither beginning nor end: its centre is vacancy, its circle ambiguity, and it stands for nothing, unless in certainconnections. "

They were now proceeding gently along Oxford Street, in pursuit of theirway to Soho Square, and met with little worthy of note or remark untilthey arrived near the end of Newman Street, where a number of workmenwere digging up the earth for the purpose of making new-drains. Thepathway was railed from the road by scaffolding poles strongly driveninto the ground, and securely tied together to prevent interruption fromthe passengers. --Tom was remarking upon the hardihood and utility ofthe labourers at the moment when a fountain of water was issuing froma broken pipe, which arose as high as a two pair of stairs window, acircumstance which quickly drew a number of spectators around, and, among the rest, Tom and his Cousin could not resist an inclination tospend a few minutes in viewing the proceedings. 

The Irish _jontlemen_, who made two or three ineffectual attempts tostop the breach, alternately got soused by the increased violence ofthe water, and at every attempt were saluted by the loud laughter of thesurrounding multitude. 

To feelings naturally warm and irritable, these vociferations ofamusement and delight at their defeat, served but to exasperate andenrage; and the Irishmen in strong terms expressed their indignationat the merriment which their abortive attempts appeared to excite:at length, one of the _Paddies_ having cut a piece of wood, as heconceived, sufficient to stop the effusion of water, with some degreeof adroitness thrust his arm into the foaming fluid, and for a momentappeared to have arrested its progress. 

"_Blood-an-owns!_ Murphy, " cried he, "scoop away the water, and beafter handing over the mallet this way. " In a moment the spades of hiscomrades were seen in

 1 Round Rubin--A Letter or Billet, so composed as to have the signatures of many persons in a circle, in order that the reader may not be able to discover which of the party signed first or last. 

~228~~action to accomplish his instructions, while one, who was not in ahumour to hear the taunts of the crowd, very politely scoop'd the waterwith his hands among the spectators, which created a general desireto avoid his liberal and plentiful besprinklings, and at the same timeconsiderable confusion among men, women, and children, who, in effectingtheir escape, were seen tumbling and rolling over each other in alldirections. 

"Be off wid you all, and be d----d to you, " said the Hibernian; whilethose who were fortunate enough to escape the cooling fluid he wasso indifferently dispensing, laughed heartily at their less favouredcompanions. 

Bob was for moving onward. 

"Hold, " said Dash all, "it is two to one but you will see some funhere. "

He had scarcely said the word, when a brawny Porter in a fustian jacket, with his knot slung across his shoulder, manifested dislike to themanner in which the Irish _jontleman_ was pursuing his amusement. 

"D----n your Irish eyes, " said he, "don't throw your water here, orI'll lend you my _bunch of fives_. " {l}

"Be after being off, there, " replied Pat; and, without hesitation, continued his employment. 

The Porter was resolute, and upon receiving an additional salute, jumpedover the railings, and re-saluted poor Pat with a _muzzier_, {2} whichdrew his claret in a moment. The Irishman endeavoured to rally, whilethe crowd cheered the Porter and hooted the Labourer. This was thesignal for hostilities. The man who had plugg'd up the broken pipe letgo his hold, and the fountain was playing away as briskly as ever--allwas confusion, and the neighbourhood in alarm. The workmen, with spadesand pick-axes, gathered round their comrade, and there was reason toapprehend serious mischief would occur; one of them hit the Porter withhis spade, and several others were prepared to follow his example; whilea second, who seem'd a little more blood-thirsty than the rest, raisedhis pickaxe in a menacing attitude; upon perceiving which, Dashalljump'd over the rail and

 1 Bunch of fives--A flash term for the fist, frequently made use of among the lads of the Fancy, who address each other some-times in a friendly way, with--Ha, Bill, how goes it?-- tip us your bunch of fives, my boy. 

 2 Muzzier--A blow on the mouth. 

~229~~arrested his arm, or, if the blow had been struck, murder musthave ensued. In the mean time, several other persons, following Tom'sexample, had disarmed the remainder. A fellow-labourer, who had beenengaged at a short distance, from the immediate scene of action, attacked the man who had raised the pickaxe, between whom a pugilisticencounter took place, the former swearing, 'By Jasus, they were a setof cowardly rascals, and deserved _quilting_. '{1} The water was flowingcopiously--shovels, pickaxes, barrows, lanterns and other implementswere strewed around them--the crowd increased--Tom left the combatants(when he conceived no real danger of unfair advantage being taken was tobe apprehended) to enjoy their rolling in the mud; while the Porter, who had escaped the vengeance of his opponents, was explaining tothose around him, and expostulating with the first aggressor, uponthe impropriety of his conduct. The shouts of the multitude at thecourageous proceedings of the Porter, and the hootings at the shamefuland cowardly manner of defence pursued by the Labourers, rousedthe blood of the Irishmen, and one again seized a spade to attack aCoal-heaver who espoused the cause of the Porter--a disposition wasagain manifested to cut down any one who dared to entertain opinionsopposite to their own--immediately a shower of mud and stones wasdirected towards him--the spade was taken away, and the Irishmen armedthemselves in a similar way with the largest stones they could findsuitable for throwing. In this state of things, the houses and thewindows in the neighbourhood were threatened with serious damage. Thecrowd retreated hallooing, shouting, hissing, and groaning; and in thispart of the affray Bob got himself well bespattered with mud. Tom againinterfered, and after a few minutes, persuaded the multitude to desist, and the Irishmen to drop their weapons. The Porter made his escape, andthe men resumed their work; but, upon Dashall's return to the

 1 Quilting--To quilt a person among the knowing Covies, is to give another a good thrashing; probably, this originated in the idea of warming--as a quilt is a warm companion, so a set-to is equally productive of heat; whether the allusion holds good with respect to comfort, must be left to the decision of those who try it on, (which is to make any attempt or essay where success is doubtful. )

~230~~spot where he had left Tallyho, the latter was not to be found; hewas however quickly relieved from suspense. 

"Sir, " said a stout man, "the neighbourhood is greatly indebted toyour exertions in suppressing a riot from which much mischief was to beapprehended--your friend is close at hand, if you will step this way, you will find him--he is getting his coat brushed at my house, and hassustained no injury. "

"It is a lucky circumstance for him, " said Tom: "and I thinkmyself fortunate upon the same account, for I assure you I wasvery apprehensive of some serious mischief resulting from thedisturbance. "~231~~

CHAPTER XVI

 "Blest be the pencil which from death can save The semblance of the virtuous, wise and brave, That youth and emulation still may gaze On those inspiring forms of ancient days, And, from the force of bright example bold, Rival their worth, and be what they behold. "

 ". . . . . I admire, None more admires the painter's magic skill, Who shews me that which I shall never see, Conveys a distant country into mine, And throws Italian light on British walls. "

AS they entered the house, a few doors up Newman Street, Tallyho metthem, having divested himself of the mud which had been thrown upon hisgarments by the indiscriminating hand of an enraged multitude; and afterpolitely thanking the gentleman for his friendly accommodation, theywere about to proceed to the place of their original destination; whenDashall, perceiving an elegantly dressed lady on the opposite side ofthe way, felt, instinctively as it were, for the usual appendage of amodern fashionable, the quizzing-glass; in the performance of this hewas subjected to a double disappointment, for his rencontre with theHibernians had shivered the fragile ornament to atoms in his pocket, and before he could draw forth the useless fragments, the more importantobject of his attention was beyond the power of his visual orbs. 

"It might have been worse, " said he, as he survey'd the broken bauble:"it is a loss which can easily be repaired, and if in losing that, I have prevented more serious mischief, there is at least someconsolation. Apropos, here is the very place for supplying the defectwithout loss of time. Dixon, " {1} continued he, looking at

 1 This gentleman, whose persevering endeavours in his profession entitle him to the patronage of the public, without pretending to second sight, or the powers that are so frequently attributed to the seventh son of a seventh son, has thrown some new lights upon the world. Although he does not pretend to make "Helps to Read, " his establishment at No. 93, Newman Street, Oxford Road, of upwards of thirty years' standing, is deservedly celebrated for glasses suited to all sights, manufactured upon principles derived from long study and practical experience. Indeed, if we are to- place any reliance on his Advertisements, he has brought them to a state of perfection never before attained, and not to be surpassed. 

~232~~the name over the door--"aye, I remember to have seen hisadvertisements in the papers, and have no doubt I may be suited here toa _shaving_"

Upon saying this, they entered the house, and found the improver ofspectacles and eye-glasses surrounded with the articles of his trade, who, in a moment, recognized Tom as the chief instrument in quelling thetumult, and added his acknowledgments to what had already been offeredfor his successful exertions, assuring him at the same time, that as heconsidered sight to be one of the most invaluable blessings "bestowedon mankind, he had for many years devoted the whole of his time andattention to the improvement of glasses--put into his hand a shorttreatise on the subject, and on the important assistance which may beafforded by a judicious selection of spectacles to naturally imperfector overstrained eyes. Bob, in the mean time, was amusing himself withreading bills, pamphlets, and newspapers, which lay upon the counter. 

Dashall listened with attention to his dissertation on sight, spectacles, focusses, lens, reflection, refraction, &c. ; but, as hewas not defective in the particular organs alluded to, felt but littleinterested on the subject; selected what he really wanted, or ratherwhat etiquette required, when, to their great gratification, in cameSparkle. After the first salutations were over, the latter purchasedan opera-glass; then, in company with Tom and Bob, proceeded to OxfordStreet, and upon learning their destination, determined also to take apeep at the Exhibition. 

"Come along, " said Tom, catching hold of his arm, and directing himtowards Soho Square. But Sparkle recollecting that he had appointed tomeet Miss Mortimer, her Brother, and Merry well, to accompany them toSomerset House, and finding time had escaped with more ~233~~rapiditythan he expected, wished them a good morning, hoped they should meetagain in the course of the day, and departed. 

"You see, " said Tom, "Sparkle is fully engaged in the business of love;Miss Mortimer claims all his attention for the present. "

"You appear to be very envious of his enjoyments, " replied Bob. 

"Not so, indeed, " continued Tom; "I am only regretting that otherpursuits have estranged him from our company. "

On entering the Exhibition at Soho, Tom, whose well-known taste forscience and art, and particularly for the productions of the pencil andgraver, had already rendered him conspicuous among those who knew him, made the following remarks: "I am really glad, " said he, "to find thatthe eminent engravers of our country have at length adopted a method ofbringing at one view before the public, a delineation of the progressmade by our artists in a branch so essentially connected with theperformance and durability of the Fine Arts. An Exhibition of thiskind is well calculated to dispel the vulgar error, that engraving is aservile art in the scale of works of the mind, and mostly consigned tothe copyist. An Establishment of this kind has long been wanted, and isdeserving of extensive patronage. "

Having secured Catalogues, they proceeded immediately to the gratifyingscene. {1} The disposition and arrangement

 1 The major part of the 405 subjects and sets of subjects, consisting of about 800 prints, are of moderate size, or small engravings for descriptive or literary publications, &e. They are the lesser diamonds in a valuable collection of jewellery, where there are but few that are not of lucid excellence, and worthy of glistening in the diadem of Apollo, or the cestus of Venus. So indeed they have, for here are many subjects from ancient and modern poetry, and other literature, and from portraits of beautiful women. Among the first class, the exquisitely finishing graver of Mr. Warren gives us many after the designs of Messrs. Westall, Wilkie, Smirke, Cooke, Uwins, and Corbould; as do the lucid gravers of Messrs. Englehart and Rhodes, the nicely executing hands of Messrs. Mitan, Romney, Finden, Robinson, &c. Among the latter class, are _Anna Boleyn_, &c. By Mr. Scriven, who marks so accurately the character of the objects, and of the Painter he works from, in his well blended dot and stroke; Mrs. Hope, by Dawe; many lovely women, by Mr. Reynolds; a Courtship, by Mr. Warren, from Terburg, in the Marquis of Stafford's Collection; two Mary Queen of Scots, by Messrs. Warren and Cooper. ----From pictures of the old and modern Masters, are capital Portraits of celebrated characters of former and present times; of Mrs. Siddons, of Cicero, M. Angelo, Parmigiano, Fenelon, Raleigh, A. Durer, Erasmus, Cromwell, Ben Jonson, Selden, Swift, Gay, Sterne, Garrick, &c. Of Byron, Bonaparte, West, Kenible, young Napoleon, of nearly all the English Royal Family, and many of the Nobility. 

 ----Of all the charmingly engraved Landscapes of foreign and home Views, and of the Animal pieces, are many from Messrs. W. B. And G. Cooke's recent publications of The Coast of England, &c. Of Mr. Hakewell's Italy, Mr. Nash's Paris, Captain Batty's France, &c. Mr. Neale's Vieios, many of Mr. Scott's and Mr. Milton's fine Animal Prints; exquisitely engraved Architecture by Mr. Le Keaux, Mr. Lowry, Mr. G. Cooke, &c. Among the large Prints are the two last of Mr. Holloway's noble set from Raffaelle's Cartoons; the Battle of Leipzig, finely executed by Mr. Scott, and containing Portraits of those monstrous assailers of Italy and of the common rights of mankind, the Emperors of Austria and Russia; Jaques from Shakspeare, by Mr. Middiman, Reynolds' Infant Hercules by Mr. Ward, The Bard, by J. Bromley, jun. Possessing the energy of the original by the late President Mr. West, and The Poacher detected, by Mr. Lupton, from Mr. Kidd's beautiful picture. 

~234~~of the plates, and the company dispersed in various parts of therooms, were the first objects of attention, and the whole appearance wastruly pleasing. At one end was to be seen an old Connoisseur examininga most beautiful engraving from an excellent drawing byClennell{1}---another contemplating the brilliance of Goodall inhis beautiful print of the Fountains of Neptune in the Gardens ofVersailles. Dash all, who generally took care to see all before him, animate and inanimate, was occasionally

 1 Luke Clennell--This unfortunate artist, a native of Morpeth, in Northumberland, and known to the world as an eminent engraver on wood, as well as a painter of no ordinary talent, has furnished one of those cases of human distress and misery which calls for the sympathy and aid of every friend to forlorn genius. In the midst of a prosperous career, with fortune "both hands full, " smiling on every side, munificently treated by the British Institution, employed on an important work by the Earl of Bridgewater (a picture of the Fête given by the City of London to the Allied Sovereigns, ) and with no prospect but that delightful one of fame and independence, earned by his own exertions, the most dreadful affliction of life befel him, and insanity rooted where taste and judgment so conspicuously shone. The wretched artist was of necessity separated from his family; his young wife, the mother of his three infants, descended to the grave a broken-hearted victim, leaving the poor orphans destitute. The Print alluded to in this case, representing the Charge of the Life Guards at Waterloo in 1816, was published by subscription for their benefit. 

~235~~casting glimpses at the pictures and the sprightly females bywhich they were surrounded, and drawing his Cousin to such subjects asappeared to be most deserving of attention; among which, the fine effectproduced by Mr. W. B. Cooke stood high in his estimation, particularlyin his View of Edinburgh from Calton Hill, and Brightling Observatory inRose Hill--Le Keux, in his Monument, also partook of his encomiums--T. Woolroth's Portraits, particularly that of the Duchess of Kent, claimedattention, and was deservedly admired, as well as a smaller one of Mr. Shalis by the same artist; indeed, the whole appeared to be selected, combined and arranged under the direction of a master, and calculatedat once to surprise and delight. After enjoying an hour's lounge in thisagreeable company, "Come, " said Dashall, "we will repair to Somerset House, and amuseourselves with colours. 

"Halloo!" said a smart looking young man behind them--"_what am youarter?--where is you going to?_"

Upon turning round, Dashall discovered it to be the exquisite Mr. Mincingait, who, having just caught a glimpse of him, and not knowingwhat to do with himself, hung as it were upon the company of Tom and hisfriend, by way of killing a little time; and was displaying his personand apparel to the greatest advantage as he pick'd his way along thepavement, alternately picking his teeth and twirling his watch-chain. Passing the end of Greek Street, some conversation having taken placeupon the dashing Society in which he had spent the previous evening, Tomindulged himself in the following description of _How to Cut a Dash. _

"Dashing society, " said he, "is almost every where to be found inLondon: it is indeed of so much importance among the generality of townresidents, that a sacrifice of every thing that is dear and valuable isfrequently made to appearance. "

"You are a quiz, " said Mincingait; "but I don't mind you, so go yourlength. "

"Very well, " continued Tom; "then by way of instruction to my friend, I will give my ideas upon the subject, and if perchance you should findany resemblance to yourself in the picture I am about to draw, don'tlet all the world know it. If you have an inclination to cut a dash, situation and circumstances in life have nothing to ~236~~do with it;a good bold face and a stock of assurance, are the most essentialrequisites. With these, you must in the first place fall upon somemethod to trick a tailor (provided you have not certain qualms that willprevent you) by getting into his debt, for much depends upon exteriors. There is no crime in this, for you pay him if you are able--and goodclothes are very necessary for a dash; having them cut after the newestfashion, is also very essential. Sally forth, if on a sunday morning inquest of a companion with whom you have the night previous (at a tavernor confectioner's) engaged to meet at the corner. After having passedthe usual compliments of the morning with him, place yourself ina fashionable attitude, your thumbs thrust in your pantaloon'spockets--the right foot thrown carelessly across the left, resting onthe toe, exhibits your line turned ancle, or new boot, and is certainlya very modest attitude--your cravat finically adjusted, and tiedsufficiently tight to produce a fine full-blooming countenance: corsetsand bag pantaloons are indispensably necessary to accoutre you for thestand. When in this trim, dilate upon the events of the times--knowbut very little of domestic affairs--expatiate and criticise upon theimperfections or charms of the passing multitude--tell a fine story tosome acquaintance who knows but little about you, and, by this means, borrow as much money as will furnish you with a very small bamboo, orvery large cudgel; extremes are very indispensable for a good dash. 

"It is extremely unbecoming for a gentleman of fashion to pay any regardto that old superstitious ceremony of what is commonly called '_going tochurch'_--or, at most, of attending more than half a day in the week. To attend public worship more than one hour in seven days must bevery fatiguing to a person of genteel habits--besides it would becountenancing an old established custom. In former times, a serious anddevout attention to divine service was not thought improper; but shoulda gentleman of modern manners attend public worship, to discover, according to the law of the polite, what new face of fashion appears, Ineed not mention the absurdity of decent behaviour. 

'What go to meeting, say?--why this the vulgar do, Yes, and it is acustom old as Homer too! Sure, then, we folks of fashion must with thisdispense, Or differ in some way from folks of common sense. '

~237~~"Melodious, indeed, are the voices of ladies and gentlemenwhispering across the pews, politely inquiring after each other'shealth--the hour at which they got home from their Saturday evening'sparty--what gallants attended them; and what lasses they saw safe home. How engaging the polite posture of looking on the person next you, orin sound sleep, instead of sacred music, playing loud bass through thenose! But to have proceeded methodically in enumerating the improvementsin manners, I ought, first, to have mentioned some of the importantadvantages of staying from church until the service is half finished. Should you attend at the usual hour of commencing service, you mightbe supposed guilty of rising in the morning as early as nine or teno'clock, and by that means be thought shockingly ungenteel--and ifseated quietly in the pew, you might possibly remain unnoticed; but, by thundering along the aisle in the midst of prayer or sermon, you arepretty sure to command the attention of the audience, and obtain thehonour of being thought by some, to have been engaged in some genteelaffair the night before! Besides, it is well known that it is only thevulgar that attend church in proper time. 

"When you parade the streets, take off your hat to every gentleman'scarriage that passes; you may do the same to any pretty woman--forif she is well bred, (you being smartly dressed) she will return thecompliment before she be able to recollect whether your's be a face shehas seen somewhere or not; those who see it, will call you a dashingfellow. When a beggar stops you, put your hand in your pocket, andtell him you are very sorry you have no change; this, you know, will bestrictly true, and speaking truth is always a commendable quality;--or, if it suits you better, bid him go to the churchwarden--this you mayeasily do in a dashing way. Never think of following any business orprofession, --such conduct is unworthy of a dasher. In the evening, neverwalk straight along the foot-way, but go in a zigzag direction--thiswill make some people believe you have been dashing down your bottle ofwine after dinner. No dasher goes home sober. 

"On making your appearance in the ball-room, put your hat under yourarm: you will find an advantage in this, as it will make a stir inthe room to make way for you and your hat, and apprize them of yourentrance. 

~238~~After one or two turns around the room, if the sets are all madeup, make a stand before one of the mirrors, to adjust your cravat, hair, &c. Be sure to have your hair brushed all over the forehead, which willgive you a very ferocious appearance. If you catch a strange damsel'seyes fixed upon you, take it for granted that you are a fascinatingfellow, and cut a prodigious dash. As soon as the first set havefinished. Dancing, fix your thumbs as before-mentioned, and make a dashthrough the gaping crowd in pursuit of a partner; if you are likely tobe disappointed in obtaining one with whom you are acquainted, selectthe smallest child in the room; by that means, you will attract theattention of the ladies, and secure to you the hand of a charming Missfor the next dance. When on the floor with one of those dashing belles, commence a _tête-a-tête_ with her, and pay no attention whatever to thefigure or steps, but walk as deliberately as the music will admit (notdropping your little chit chat) through the dance, which is considered, undoubtedly, very graceful, and less like a mechanic or dancing-master. The dance finished, march into the bar, and call for a glass ofblue-ruin, white-tape, or stark-naked, which is a very fashionableliquor among the 'ton, ' and if called on to pay for it, tell thelandlord you have left your purse in one of your blues at home; and thatyou will recollect it at the next ball--this, you know, can be done ina genteel way, and you will be 'all the go. ' Return into the room, andeither tread upon some gentleman's toes, or give him a slight touch withyour elbow: which, if he be inclined to resent, tell him, 'pon lionour, 'you did not observe him, or, if inclined to suffer it with impunity--'Get out of the way, fellow, d----n you. '

On your way home, after escorting your fair inamorata to her peacefulabode, make a few calls for the purpose of taking a little more stimuluswith some particular friends, and then return home for the night to'steep your senses in forgetfulness. '"

"A very amusing and useful account, truly, " said Bob, as his Cousinclosed his chapter of instructions How to Cut a Dash. 

"It is, at least, a just and true delineation of living character. "

"Not without a good portion of caricature, " said Mincingait. "Youare downright scurrilous, and ought not to be tolerated in civilizedsociety. Sink me, if you ~239~~are not quite a bore, and not fit companyfor a Gentleman. So I shall wish you a good morning. "

Tom and Bob laughed heartily at this declaration of the Dashing Blade, and, wishing him a pleasant walk and a safe return, they separated. 

By this time they had arrived at Somerset House: it was near threeo'clock, and the Rooms exhibited a brilliant crowd of rank and fashion, which considerably enhanced the value of its other decorations. 

"I have already, " said Dashall, "given you a general description of thisbuilding, and shall therefore confine my present observations wholly tothe establishment of the Royal Academy for the encouragement of the FineArts, for the cultivation of which London is now much and deservedlydistinguished; and to the progressive improvement in which we areindebted to that Exhibition we have already witnessed. This Academywas opened by Royal Charter in 1768; and it consists of forty members, called Royal Academicians, twenty Associates, and six AssociateEngravers. The first President was the justly celebrated Sir JoshuaReynolds; the second, the highly respected Benjamin West; and thepresent, is Sir Thomas Lawrence. 

"The Academy possesses a fine collection of casts and models, fromantique statues, &c. A School of colouring, from pictures of the bestmasters. Lectures are delivered by the stated Professors in theirvarious branches, to the Students during the winter season; prizemedals are given annually for the best academy figures and drawingsof buildings; and gold medals for historical composition in painting, sculpture, and designs in Architecture, once in two years; which latterare presented to the successful Artists in full assembly, accompaniedwith a discourse from the President, calculated to stimulateperseverance and exertion. Students have at all times, (except duringthe regular vacations, ) an opportunity of studying nature from wellchosen models, and of drawing from the antique casts. 

"This Exhibition is generally opened on the first of May. The numberof works of art, consisting of paintings, sculptures, models, proofengravings and drawings, generally exhibited, are upwards of onethousand; and are usually visited by all the gaiety and fashion of theMetropolis, between the hours of two and five o'clock in ~240~~the day. The rooms are elegant and spacious; and I consider it at all timesa place where a shilling may be well spent, and an hour or two wellenjoyed. 

 "Some spend a life in classing grubs, and try, New methods to impale a butterfly; Or, bottled up in spirits, keep with care A crowd of reptiles--hideously rare; While others search the mouldering wrecks of time, And drag their stores from dust and rust and slime; Coins eat with canker, medals half defac'd, And broken tablets, never to be trac'd; Worm-eaten trinkets worn away of old, And broken pipkins form'd in antique mould; Huge limbless statues, busts of heads forgot, And paintings representing none knows what; Strange legends that to monstrous fables lead, And manuscripts that nobody can read; The shapeless forms from savage hands that sprung, And fragments of rude art, when Art was young. This precious lumber, labell'd, shelv'd, and cas'd, And with a title of Museum grac'd, Shews how a man may time and fortune waste, And die a mummy'd connoisseur of taste. "

[Illustration: page240 Somerset House]

On entering the rooms, Bob was bewildered with delight; the eleganceof the company, the number and excellence of the paintings, wereattractions so numerous and splendid, as to leave him no opportunityof decidedly fixing his attention. He was surrounded by all thatcould enchant the eye and enrapture the imagination. Moving groups ofinteresting females were parading the rooms with dashing partnersat their elbows, pointing out the most beautiful paintings from thecatalogues, giving the names of the artists, or describing the subjects. Seated on one of the benches was to be seen the tired Dandy, whoseprincipal inducement to be present at this display of the Arts, was toexhibit his own pretty person, and attract a little of the public gazeby his preposterous habiliments and unmeaning countenance; to fastenupon the first person who came within the sound of his scarcelyarticulate voice with observing, "It is d----d hot, 'pon honour--can'tstand it--very fatiguing--I wonder so many persons are let in atonce--there's no such thing as seeing, I declare, where there is sucha crowd: I must come again, that's the end of it. " On another, was thefull-dressed Elegante, with her bonnet in one hand, and her cataloguein the other, apparently intent upon examining the pictures before~241~~her, while, in fact, her grand aim was to discover whether sheherself was observed. The lounging Blood, who had left his horses atthe door, was bustling among the company with his quizzing-glass in hishand, determined, if possible, to have a peep at every female he met, caring as much for the Exhibition itself, as the generality of thevisitors cared for him. The Connoisseur was placing his eye occasionallyclose to the paintings, or removing to short distances, right and left, to catch them in the most judicious lights, and making remarks on hiscatalogue with a pencil; and Mrs. Roundabout, from Leadenhall, who hadbrought her son Dicky to see the show, as she called it, declared it wasthe '_most finest_ sight she ever seed, lifting up her hand and eyes atthe same time as Dicky read over the list, and charmed her by recitingthe various scraps of poetry inserted in the catalogue to elucidatethe subjects. It was altogether a source of inexpressible delight andamusement. Tom, whose taste for the arts qualified him well for theoffice of guide upon such an occasion, directed the eye of his Cousinto the best and most masterly productions in the collection, andwhose attention was more particularly drawn to the pictures (thoughoccasionally devoted to the inspection of a set of well-formed features, or a delicately turned ancle, ) was much pleased to find Bob so busy inenquiry and observation. 

"We have here, " said Tom, "a combination of the finest specimens in theart of painting laid open annually for public inspection. Music, Poetry, and Painting, have always been held in high estimation by those whomake any pretensions to an improved mind and a refined taste. In thisExhibition the talents of the Artists in their various lines may befairly estimated, and the two former may almost be said to give life tothe latter, in which the three are combined. The Historian, the Poet, and the Philosopher, have their thoughts embodied by the Painter; andthe tale so glowingly described in language by the one, is brought fullbefore the eye by the other; while the Portrait-painter hands down, bythe vivid touches of his pencil, the features and character of those whoby their talents have deservedly signalized themselves in society. The face of nature is displayed in the landscape, and the force ofimagination by the judicious selector of scenes from actual life. Hencepainting is the fascinating region of enchantment. The pencil is amagic wand; it calls up ~242~~to view the most extensive and variegatedscenery calculated to wake the slumbering mind to thought. 

 "----To mark the mighty hand That, ever busy, wheels the silent spheres, Works in the secret deep; shoots steaming thence The fair profusion that o'erspreads the Spring; Flings from the sun direct the naming day; Feeds every creature; hurls the tempest forth; And as on earth this grateful change revolves. With transport touches all the springs of life. "

"Upon my life!" cried Bob, "we seem to have no need of Sparkle now, foryou are endeavouring to imitate him. "

"Your observations maybe just, in part, " replied Tom; "but I can assureyou I have no inclination to continue in the same strain. At thesame time, grave subjects, or subjects of the pencil and graver, aredeserving of serious consideration, except where the latter are engagedin caricature. "

"And that has its utility, " said Bob. 

"To be sure it has, " continued Tom--"over the human mind, wit, humourand ridicule maintain authoritative influence. The ludicrous imageswhich flit before the fancy, aided by eccentric combinations, awakenthe risible powers, and throw the soul into irresistible tumults oflaughter. Who can refrain from experiencing risible emotions whenhe beholds a lively representation of Don Quixote and SanchoPança--Hudibras and his Ralpho--merry old Falstaff shaking his fatsides, gabbling with Mrs. Quickly, and other grotesque figures to befound in the vast variety of human character? To lash the vices andexpose the follies of mankind, is the professed end of this species ofpainting. 

 "Satire has always shone among the rest; And is the boldest way, if not the best, To tell men freely of their foulest faults. "

Objects well worthy of attention--like comedy--may degenerate, andbecome subservient to licentiousness and profligacy; yet the shaftsof ridicule judiciously aimed, like a well-directed artillery, do muchexecution. With what becoming severity does the bold Caricature layopen to public censure the intrigues of subtle Politicians, the~243~~chicanery of corrupted Courts, and the flattery of cringingParasites! Hence satirical books and prints, under temperateregulations, check the dissoluteness of the great. Hogarth's Harlot'sand Rake's Progress have contributed to reform the different classes ofsociety--nay, it has even been doubted by some, whether the Sermons ofa Tillotson ever dissuaded so efficaciously from lust, cruelty, andintemperance, as the Prints of an Hogarth. Indeed it may with truthbe observed, that the art of Painting is one of those innocent anddelightful means of pleasure which Providence has kindly offered tobrighten the prospects of life: under due restriction, and with properdirection, it may be rendered something more than an elegant mode ofpleasing the eye and the imagination; it may become a very powerfulauxiliary to virtue. "

"I like your remarks very well, " said Bob; "but there is no suchthing as paying proper attention to them at present; besides, you aremoralizing again. "

"True, " said Tom, "the subjects involuntarily lead me to moralconclusions--there is a fine picture--Nature blowing Bubbles for herChildren, from the pencil of Hilton; in which is united the simplicityof art with allegory, the seriousness of moral instruction and satirewith the charms of female and infantine beauty; the graces of form, action, colour and beauty of parts, with those of collective groups; andthe propriety and beauty of----"

He was proceeding in this strain, when, turning suddenly as he supposedto Tallyho, he was not a little surprised and confused to find, insteadof his Cousin, the beautiful and interesting Miss Mortimer, at hiselbow, listening with close attention to his description. 

"Miss Mortimer, " continued he--which following immediately in connectionwith his last sentence, created a buz of laughter from Sparkle, Merrywell, and Mortimer, who were in conversation at a short distance, and considerably increased his confusion. 

"Very gallant, indeed, " said Miss Mortimer, "and truly edifying. Thesestudies from nature appear to have peculiar charms for you, but Iapprehend your observations were not meant for my ear. "

"I was certainly not aware, " continued he, "how much I was honoured;but perceiving the company you are in, I am not much astonished atthe trick, and undoubtedly ~244~~have a right to feel proud of theattentions that have been paid to my observations. "

By this time the party was increased by the arrival of Col. B----, hisdaughter Maria, and Lady Lovelace, who, with Sparkle's opera glass inher hand, was alternately looking at the paintings, and gazing at thecompany. Sparkle, in the mean time, was assiduous in his attentions toMiss Mortimer, whose lively remarks and elegant person excited generaladmiration. 

The first greetings of such an unexpected meeting were followed by aninvitation on the part of the Colonel to Tom and Bob to dine with themat half past six. 

Tallyho excused himself upon the score of a previous engagement; and awink conveyed to Tom was instantly understood; he politely declined thehonour upon the same ground, evidently perceiving there was more meantthan said; and after a few more turns among the company, and a survey ofthe Pictures, during which they lost the company of young Mortimerand his friend Merry well, (at which the Ladies expressed themselvesdisappointed) they, with Sparkle, assisted the females into theColonel's carriage, wished them a good morning, and took their waytowards Temple Bar. 

"I am at a loss, " said Dashall, "to guess what you meant by a priorengagement; for my part, I confess I had engaged myself with you, andnever felt a greater inclination for a ramble in my life. "

"Then, " said Bob, "I'll tell you--Merry well and Mortimer had determinedto give the old Colonel and his company the slip; and I have engaged, provided you have no objection, to dine with them at the Globe in FleetStreet, at half past four. They are in high glee, ready and ripe forfun, determined to beat up the eastern quarters of the town. "

"An excellent intention, " continued Tom, "and exactly agreeable to myown inclinations--we'll meet them, and my life on't we shall have amerry evening. It is now four--we will take a walk through the temple, and then to dinner with what appetite we may--so come along. You haveheard of the Temple, situated close to the Bar, which takes its name. It is principally occupied by Lawyers, and Law-officers, a useful andimportant body of men, whose lives are devoted to the study andpractice of the law of the land, to keep peace and harmony among the~245~~individuals of society, though there are, unfortunately, too manypretenders to legal knowledge, who prey upon the ignorant and live bylitigation{1}--such as persons who have

 1 In a recent meeting at the Egyptian Hall, a celebrated Irish Barrister is reported to have said, that 'blasphemy was the only trade that prospered. ' The assertion, like many others in the same speech, was certainly a bold one, and one which the gentleman would have found some difficulty in establishing. If, however, the learned gentleman had substituted the word law for blasphemy, he would have been much nearer the truth. 

 Of all the evils with which this country is afflicted, that of an excessive passion for law is the greatest. The sum paid annually in taxes is nothing to that which is spent in litigation. Go into our courts of justice, and you will often see sixty or seventy lawyers at a time; follow them home, and you will find that they are residing in the fashionable parts of the town, and living in the most expensive manner. Look at the lists of the two houses of parliament, and you will find lawyers predominate in the House of Commons; and, in the upper house, more peers who owe their origin to the law, than have sprung from the army and navy united. There is scarcely a street of any respectability without an attorney, not to mention the numbers that are congregated in the inns of court. In London alone, we are told, there are nearly three thousand certificated attornies, and in the country they are numerous in proportion. 

 While on the subject of lawyers, we shall add a few unconnected anecdotes, which will exhibit the difference between times past and present. 

 In the Rolls of Parliament for the year 1445, there is a petition from two counties in England, stating that the number of attornies had lately increased from sixteen to twenty-four, whereby the peace of those counties had been greatly interrupted by suits. And it was prayed that it might be ordained, that there should only be six attornies for the county of Norfolk, the same number for Suffolk, and two for the city of Norwich. 

 The profits of the law have also increased in proportion. We now frequently hear of gentlemen at the bar making ten or fifteen thousand pounds a year by their practice; and a solicitor in one single suit, (the trial of Warren Hastings) is said to have gained no less than thirty-five thousand pounds! How different three centuries ago, when Roper, in his life of Sir Thomas More, informs us, that though he was an advocate of the greatest eminence, and in full business, yet he did not by his profession make above four hundred pounds per annum. There is, however, a common tradition on the other hand, that Sir Edward Coke's gains, at the latter end of this century, equalled those of a modern attorney general; and, by Lord Bacon's works, it appears that he made 6000L. Per annum whilst in this office. Brownlow's profits, likewise, one of the prothonotaries during the reign of Queen Elizabeth, were 6000L. Per annum; and he used to close the profits of the year with a _laus deo_; and when they happened to be extraordinary, --_maxima laus deo_. 

 There is no person, we believe, who is acquainted with the important duties of the Judges, or the laborious nature of their office, will think that they are too amply remunerated; and it is not a little remarkable, that when law and lawyers have increased so prodigiously, the number of the Judges is still the same. Fortescue, in the dedication of his work, De Laudibus Legum Anglise, to Prince Edward, says that the Judges were not accustomed to sit more than three hours in a day; that is, from eight o'clock in the morning until eleven; they passed the remainder of the day in studying the laws, and reading the Holy Scriptures. 

 Carte supposes, that the great reason for the lawyers pushing in shoals to become members of Parliament, arose from their desire to receive the wages then paid them by their constituents. By an act of the 5th of Henry IV. Lawyers were excluded from Parliament, not from a contempt of the common law itself, but the professors of it, who, at this time, being auditors to men of property, received an annual stipend, _pro connlio impenso et impendendo_, and were treated as retainers. In Madox's Form. Anglican, there is a form of a retainer during his life, of John de Thorp, as counsel to the Earl of Westmoreland; and it appears by the Household Book of Algernon, fifth Earl of Northumberland, that, in the beginning of the reign of Henry the Eighth, there was, in that family, a regular establishment for two counsellors and their servants. 

 A proclamation was issued on the 6th of November, in the twentieth year of the reign of James I. In which the voters for members of Parliament are directed, "not to choose curious and wrangling lawyers, who may seek reputation by stirring needless questions. "

 A strong prejudice was at this time excited against lawyers. In Aleyn's Henry VIII. (London, 1638, ) we have the following philippic against them:--

 "A prating lawyer, (one of those which cloud That honour'd science, ) did their conduct take; He talk'd all law, and the tumultuous crowd Thought it had been all gospel that he spake. At length, these fools their common error saw, A lawyer on their side, but not the law. "

 Pride the drayman used to say, that it would never be well till the lawyers' gowns, like the Scottish colours, were hung up in Westminster Hall. 

 From Chaucer's character of the Temple Manciple, it would appear that the great preferment which advocates in this time chiefly aspired to, was to become steward to some great man: he says, --"

 "Of masters he had mo than thryis ten, That were of law expert and curious, Of which there were a dozen in that house, Worthy to ben stuards of house and londe, Of any lord that is in Englonde. "

~246~~been employed as clerks to Pettifoggers, who obtain permission tosue in their names; and persons who know no more of law than what theyhave learned in Abbot's Park, {1} or on board the Fleet, {2} who assumethe title of Law Agents or Accountants, and are admirably fitted forAgents in the Insolvent Debtor's Court under the Insolvent Act, to makeout Schedules, &c. Being up to all the arts and manouvres practised withsuccess for the liberation of themselves, they are well calculated tobecome tutors of others, though they generally take care to be well paidfor it. "

By this time they were entering the Temple. "This, " continued Tom, "is an immense range of buildings, stretching from Fleet-street tothe river, north and south; and from Lombard-street, Whitefriars, toEssex-street in the Strand, east and west. 

"It takes its name from its being founded by the Knights Templars inEngland. The Templars were crusaders, who, about the year 1118, formedthemselves into a military body at Jerusalem, and guarded the roadsfor the safety of pilgrims. In time the order became very powerful. The Templars in Fleet-street, in the thirteenth century, frequentlyentertained the King, the Pope's nuncio, foreign ambassadors, and othergreat personages. 

"It is now divided into two societies of students, called the Inner andMiddle Temple, and having the name of Inns of Court. 

"These societies consist of Benchers, Barristers, Students, and Members. The government is vested in the Benchers. In term time they dine inthe hall of the society, which is called keeping commons. To dine afortnight in each term, is deemed keeping the term; and twelve of theseterms qualify a student to be called to year of Henry the Sixth, whenSir Walter Beauchamp, as counsel, supported the claim of precedence ofthe Earl of Warwick, against the then Earl Marshal, at the bar of theHouse of Lords. Mr. Roger Hunt appeared in the same capacity for theEarl Marshal, and both advocates, in their exordium, made most humbleprotestations, entreating the lord against whom they were retained, notto take amiss what they should advance on the part of their own client. 

Another point on which the lawyers of the present age differ from theirancestors, is in their prolixity. It was reserved for modern inventionto make a trial for high treason last eight days, or to extend a speechto nine hours duration. 

 1 Abbot's Park--The King's Bench. 

 2 On board the Fleet--The Fleet Prison. 

~248~~"These societies have the following officers and servants: atreasurer, sub-treasurer, steward, chief butler, three under-butlers, upper and under cook, a pannierman, a gardener, two porters, twowash-pots, and watchmen. 

"The Benchers assume and exercise a power that can scarcely bereconciled to the reason of the thing. They examine students as to theirproficiency in the knowledge of the law, and call candidates to the bar, or reject them at pleasure, and without appeal. It is pretty well knownthat students in some cases eat their way to the bar; in which there canbe no great harm, because their clients will take the liberty afterwardsof judging how far they have otherwise qualified themselves. But everyman that eats in those societies should be called, or the rejectionshould be founded solely on his ignorance of the law, and should besubject to an appeal to a higher jurisdiction; otherwise the power ofthe Benchers may be exercised on private or party motives. 

"The expence of going through the course of these Societies is notgreat. In the Inner Temple, a student pays on admission, for the fees ofthe society, 3L. 6s. 8d. Which, with other customary charges, amounts to4L 2s. A duty is also paid to the King, which is high. Terms may be keptfor about 10s. Per week, and, in fact, students may dine at a cheaperrate here than any where beside. The expences in the principal societiesof like nature are something more. 

"Their kitchens, and dinner-rooms, merit the inspection of strangers, and may be seen on applying to the porter, or cooks, without fee orintroduction. Our time is short now, or we would take a peep; you musttherefore content yourself with my description. 

"The Temple is an irregular building. In Fleet-street are two entrances, one to the Inner, and the other to the Middle Temple. The latter has afront in the manner of Inigo Jones, of brick, ornamented with four largestone pilastres, of the Ionic order, with a pediment. It is too narrow, and being lofty, wants proportion. The passage to which it leads, although designed for carriages, is narrow, inconvenient, and mean. 

"The garden of the Inner Temple is not only a most happy situation, butis laid out with great taste, and kept ~249~~in perfect order. Itis chiefly covered with green sward, , which is pleasing to the eye, especially in a city, and is most agreeable to walk on. It lies, as youperceive, along the river, is of great extent, and has a spaciousgravel walk, or terrace, on the bank of the Thames. It forms a crowdedpromenade in summer, and at such times is an interesting spot. 

"The Middle Temple has a garden, but much smaller, , and not soadvantageously situated. 

"The hall of the Middle Temple is a spacious and elegant room in itsstyle. Many great feasts have been given in it in old times. It is wellworth a visit. 

"The Inner Temple hall is comparatively small, but is a fine room. It isornamented with the portraits of several of the Judges. Before thishall is a broad paved terrace, forming an excellent promenade, when thegardens are not sufficiently dry. 

"There are two good libraries belonging to these societies, open tostudents, and to others on application to the librarian, from ten in themorning till one, and in the afternoon from two till six. 

"The Temple church belongs in common to the two societies. The KnightsTemplars built their church on this site, which was destroyed, and thepresent edifice was erected by the Knights Hospitallers. It is in theNorman style of architecture, and has three aisles, running east andwest, and two cross aisles. At the western end is a spacious roundtower, the inside of which forms an elegant and singular entrance intothe church, from which it is not separated by close walls, but merely byarches. The whole edifice within has an uncommon and noble aspect. Theroof of the church is supported by slight pillars of Sussex marble, andthere are three windows at each side, adorned with small pillars of thesame marble. The entire floor is of flags of black and white marble;the roof of the tower is supported with six pillars, having an upper andlower range of small arches, except on the eastern side, opening intothe church: The length of the church is eighty-three feet; the breadthsixty; and the height thirty-four; the height of the inside of the toweris forty-eight feet, and its diameter on the floor fifty-one. 

"In the porch or tower are the tombs of eleven Knights Templars; eightof them have the figures of ~250~~armed knights on them, three of thembeing the tombs of so many Earls of Pembroke. The organ of this churchis one of the finest in the world. 

"The Temple church is open for divine service every day, at eleveno'clock in the morning, and at four in the afternoon. There are fourentrances into the Temple, besides those in Fleet-street; and it isa thoroughfare during the day, but the gates are shut at night. Thegardens are open to the public in summer. It is a place of much businessand constant traffic, I assure you. "

"I perceive it, " said Bob, "by the number of persons passing andrepassing, every one apparently animated and impelled by some businessof importance. "

"Yes, it is something like a steam-boiler, by which a considerableportion of the engines of the Law are kept in motion. They can alarm andallay according to the pockets of their customers, or the sagacity whichthey are able to discover in their heads. There are perhaps as manyQuacks in this profession as in any other, " continued Tom, as theyregained Fleet-street; when, perceiving it was half past four o'clock bySt. Dunstan's--"But we must now make the best of our way, or we may becut out of the good things of this _Globe_. "

"What are so many persons collected together here for?" enquired Bob. 

"Merely to witness a little of ingenious machinery. Keep your eye on thetwo figures in the front of the church with clubs in their hands. "

"I do, " said Bob; "but there does not appear to me to be any thing veryremarkable about them. "

He scarcely uttered the words, when he observed that these figuresstruck their clubs upon the bells which hung between them to denote thetime of day. 

"These figures, " said Tom, "and the circumstance of giving them motionevery fifteen minutes by the movements of the clock, have attracted agreat deal of notice, particularly among persons from the country, andat almost every quarter of an hour throughout the day they are honouredwith spectators. The church itself is very ancient, and has beenrecently beautified. The _Bell thumpers_, whose abilities you have justhad a specimen of, have been standing there ever since the year 1671. "

"It is hard service, " said Bob, "and they must certainly deserve apension from Government more than many of ~251~~the automatons who arenow in the enjoyment of the national bounties. "

"You are right enough, " said a Translator of Soles, {1} who had overheardBob's last remark, with a pair of old shoes under his arm; "and d----nme if I would give a pair of _crazy crabshells_{2} without _vamp orwhelt for the whole boiling of 'em_{3}-there is not one on 'em worth abloody jemmy. "{4}

Upon hearing this from the political Cobbler, a disturbed sort of shoutwas uttered by the surrounding spectators, who had rather increased thandiminished in number, to hear the observations of the leathern-lung'dOrator; when Tom, giving his Cousin a significant pinch of the arm, impelled him forward, and left them to the enjoyment of their humour. 

"Political observations are always bad in the street, " said Tom; "it isa subject upon which scarcely any two persons agree distinctly-_Old Waxand Bristles_ is about _three sheets in the wind_, {5} and no doubt thereare enough to take advantage of any persons stopping at this time of theday. "{6}

"What have we here?" said Bob, who observed a concourse of peoplesurrounding the end of Fetter Lane. 

"Only a couple more of striking figures, " replied Tom, "almost asintelligent as those we have just seen. "

 1 Translator of Soles--A disciple of St. Crispin, alias a cobbler, who can botch up old shoes, so as to have the appearance of being almost new, and who is principally engaged in his laudable occupation by the second-hand shoe- sellers of Field Lane, Turn Stile, &c. For the purpose of turning an honest penny, i. E. To deceive poor purchasers. 

 2 Crab-shells--A cant term for shoes. 

 3 Whole boding of 'em--The whole kit of 'em, &c. Means the whole party. 

 4 Bloody Jemmy--A cant term for a sheep's head. 

 5 Three sheets in the wind--A cant phrase intending to explain that a person is more than half drunk. 

 6 This was a hint well given by Dashall; for, in the present times, it is scarcely possible to be aware of the numerous depredations that are committed in the streets of the Metropolis in open day-light; and it is a well-known fact, that Fleet Street, being one of the leading thoroughfares, is at almost all times infested with loose characters of every description, from the well-dressed Sharpers, who hover round the entrances to billiard-tables to mark new comers, and give information to the pals in waiting, somewhere within call, and who are called Macers-to the wily Duffers or Buffers, willing to sell extraordinary bargains, and the _Cly-faker_, or Pickpocket. 

~252~~Bob bustled forward, and looking down the lane, perceived twoWatchmen, one on each side the street, bearing poles with black boardsinscribed in white letters, "Beware of bad houses, " and a lanternhanging to each. 

"These, " said Tom, "are not decoy ducks, but scare crows, at least theyare intended for such; whether their appearance does not operate as muchone way as it does the other, is, I believe, a matter of doubt. "

"Beware of bad houses, " said Bob--"I don't exactlY see the object. "

"No, perhaps not, " continued his Cousin; "but I will tell you: this is amethod which the Churchwardens of parishes sometimes take of shamingthe _pa-pa_ or _fie fie_ ladies from their residences, or at least ofdiscovering their visitors; but I am half inclined to think, that ninetimes out of ten the contrary effect is produced; for these men who arestationed as warnings to avoid, are easily to be blinded by the gay andgallant youths, who have" an inclination to obtain an admission tothe fair cyprians; besides which, if the first inhabitants are reallyinduced to quit, the house is quickly occupied by similar game, andthe circumstance of the burning out, as it is termed, serves as adirection-post to new visitors; so that no real good is eventuallyeffected-Come, we had better move on--there is nothing moreextraordinary here. "

"This is Peele's Coffee House, " continued he--"a house celebrated forits general good accommodations. Here, as well as at the Chapter CoffeeHouse, in Paternoster Row, all the newspapers are kept filed annually, and may be referred to by application to the Waiters, at the verytrifling expense of a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. The Monthlyand Quarterly Reviews, and the provincial papers, are also kept for theaccommodation of the customers, and constitute an extensive and valuablelibrary; it is the frequent resort of Authors and Critics, who meet topore over the news of the day, or search the records of past times. "

"An excellent way of passing an hour, " said Bob, "and a proof of thestudied attention which is paid not only to the comforts and convenienceof their customers, but also to their instruction. "

"You are right, " replied Tom; "in London every man has an opportunityof living according to his wishes and ~253~~the powers of his pocket;he may dive, like Roderick Random, into a cellar, and fill his belly forfour pence, or regale himself with the more exquisite delicacies of theLondon Tavern at a guinea; while the moderate tradesman can be suppliedat a chop-house for a couple of shillings; and the mechanic by a call atthe shop over the way at the corner of Water Lane, {1} may purchase hishalf pound of ham or beef, and retire to a public-house to eat it; wherehe obtains his pint of porter, and in turn has an opportunity of readingthe _Morning Advertiser_, the _Times_, or the _Chronicle_. Up this courtis a well-known house, the sign of the Old Cheshire Cheese; it has longbeen established as a chop-house, and provides daily for a considerablenumber of persons; but similar accommodations are to be found in almostevery street in London. Then again, there are cook-shops of a stillhumbler description where a dinner may be procured at a still moremoderate price; so that in this great Metropolis there is accommodationfor all ranks and descriptions of persons, who may be served accordingto the delicacy of their appetites and the state of their finances. 

"A Chop-house is productive of all the pleasures in life; it is acombination of the most agreeable and satisfactory amusements: indeed, those who have never had an opportunity of experiencing the truehappiness therein to be found, have a large portion of delight andgratification to discover: the heart, the mind and the constitutionare to be mended upon crossing its threshold; and description mustfall short in its efforts to pourtray its enlivening and invigoratinginfluence; it is, in a word, a little world within itself, absolutelya universe in miniature, possessing a system peculiar to itself, ofplanets and satellites, 1 This allusion was made by the Hon. Tom Dashall to the Shop of Mr. Cantis, who was formerly in the employ of Mr. Epps, and whose appearance in opposition to him at Temple Bar a few years back excited a great deal of public attention, and had the effect of reducing the prices of their ham and beef. Mr. Epps generally has from fourteen to twenty Shops, and sometimes more, situated in different parts of the Metropolis, and there is scarcely a street in London where there is not some similar place of accommodation; but Mr. Epps is the most extensive purveyor for the public appetite. At these shops, families may be supplied with any quantity, from an ounce to a pound, of hot boiled beef and ham at moderate prices; while the poor are regaled with a plate of cuttings at a penny or twopence each. 

and fixed stars and revolutions, and its motions are annual, rotatoryand diurnal, in all its extensive diversity of waiters, cooks, saucepans, fryingpans, gridirons, salamanders, stoves and smoke-jacks;so that if you wish to know true and uncloying delight, you are nowacquainted with where it is to be found. Not all the sages of theancient or the modern world ever dreamed of a theory half so exquisite, or calculated to afford man a treat so truly delicious. 

"Within the doors of a Chop-house are to be found food for both bodyand soul-mortal and mental appetites-feasting for corporeal cravings andcravings intellectual-nourishment at once for the faculties both of mindand body: there, in fact, the brain may be invigorated, and the mind fedwith good things; while the palate is satisfied by devouring a muttonchop, a veal cutlet, or a beef steak; and huge draughts of wisdom may beimbibed while drinking a bottle of soda or a pint of humble porter. 

"In this delightful place of amusement and convenience, there isprovender for philosophers or fools, stoics or epicureans; contemplationfor genius of all denominations; and it embraces every species ofscience and of art, (having an especial eye to the important art ofCookery;) it encompasses all that is worthy of the sublimest facultiesand capacities of the soul; it is the resort of all that is truly goodand glorious on earth, the needy and the noble, the wealthy and thewise. Its high estimation is universally acknowledged; it has thesuffrage of the whole world, so much so, that at all times and in allseasons its supremacy is admitted and its influence recognized. Thename, the very name alone, is sufficient to excite all that ispleasant to our senses (five or seven, how many soever there may be. ) AChop-house! at that word what delightful prospects are presented to themind's eye-what a clashing of knives and forks and plates and pewterpots, and rushing of footsteps and murmurings of expectant hosts enterinto our delighted ears--what gay scenes of varied beauty, and manynatured viands and viscous soups, tarts, puddings and pies, rise beforeour visual nerves-what fragrant perfumes, sweet scented odours, and grateful gales of delicate dainties stream into our olfactoryperceptions, ". . . Like the sweet south Upon a bank-a hank of violets, giving And taking odour. "

~255~~Its powers are as vast as wonderful and goodly, and extend overall animal and animated nature, biped and quadruped, the earth, the air, and all that therein is. By its high decree, the beast may no longerbask in the noon tide of its nature, the birds must forsake their pureether, and the piscatory dwellers in the vasty deep may spread no moretheir finny sails towards their caves of coral. The fruits, the herbs, and the other upgrowings of the habitable world, and all created things, by one wave of the mighty wand are brought together into this theircommon tomb. It is creative also of the lordliest independence ofspirit. It excites the best passions of the heart--it calls into actionevery kind and generous feeling of our nature--it begets fraternalaffection and unanimity and cordiality of soul, and excellentneighbourhood among men-it will correct antipodes, for its ministerialeffects will produce a Radical advantage-its component parts go downwith the world, and are well digested. "

"Your description, " said Bob, "has already had the effect of awakeningappetite, and I feel almost as hungry as if I were just returning from afox-chace. "

"Then, " continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, "it is not only admirable asa whole, its constituent and individual beauties are as provocative ofrespect as the mass is of our veneration. From among its innumerableexcellencies--I will mention one which deserves to be held inrecollection and kept in our contemplation-what is more delightfulthan a fine beef-steak?-spite of Lexicographers, there is somethingof harmony even in its name, it seems to be the key-note of our bestconstructed organs, (organs differing from all others, only because theyhave no stops, ) it circles all that is full, rich and sonorous--I donot mean in its articulated enunciation, but in its internalacceptation--there--there we feel all its strength and diapas, or forceand quantity. "

"Admirable arrangements, indeed, " said Bob. "True, " continuedTom; "and all of them comparatively comfortable, according to theirgradations ana the rank or circumstances of their customers. The Tavernfurnishes wines, &c. ; the Pot-house, porter, ale, and liquors suitableto the high or low. The sturdy Porter, sweating beneath his load, may here refresh himself with heavy wet;{l} the Dustman, or theChimney-sweep, may sluice

 1 Heavy wet-A well-known appellation for beer, porter, or ale. 

~256~~Am ivory{1} with the Elixir of Life, now fashionably termedDaffy's. "

"Daffy's, " said Tallyho-"that is somewhat new to me, I don't recollecthearing it before?"

"Daffy's Elixir, " replied Dashall, "was a celebrated quack medicine, formerly sold by a celebrated Doctor of that name, and recommended byhim as a cure for all diseases incident to the human frame. This Gin, Old Tom, and Blue Ruin, are equally recommended in the present day; inconsequence of which, some of the learned gentlemen of the sporting'world have given it the title of Daffy's, though this excellent beverageis known by many other names. 

"For instance, the Lady of refined sentiments and delicate nerves, feelsthe necessity of a little cordial refreshment, to brighten the one andenliven the other, and therefore takes it on the sly, under the politeappellation of white wine. The knowing Kids and dashing Swells are fora drap of blue ruin, to keep all things in good twig. The Laundress, whodisdains to be termed a dry washer, --dearly loves a dollop {2} of OldTom, because, while she is up to her elbows in suds, and surrounded withsteam, she thinks a drap of the old gemman (having no pretensions toa young one) would comfort and strengthen her inside, and consequentlyswallows the inspiring dram. The travelling Gat-gut Scraper, and theHurdy-Grinder, think there is music in the sound of max, and can tossoff their kevartern to any tune in good time. The Painter considers itdesirable to produce effect by mingling his dead white with a littlesky blue. The Donkey driver and the Fish-fag are bang-up for a flashof lightning, to illumine their ideas. The Cyprian, whose marchings andcounter marchings in search of custom are productive of extreme fatigue, may, in some degree, be said to owe her existence to Jockey; at leastshe considers him a dear boy, and deserving her best attentions, so longas she has any power. The Link-boys, the Mud-larks, and the Watermen, who hang round public-house doors to feed horses, &c. Club up theirbrads for a kevartern of Stark-naked in three outs. The Sempstress andStraw Bonnet-maker are for a yard of White Tape; and

 1 Sluice the ivory--Is originally derived from sluicery, and means washing, or passing over the teeth. 

 2 Dollop--Is a large or good quantity of any thing: the whole dollop means the whole quantity. 

~256~~the Swell Covies and Out and Outers, find nothing so refreshingafter a night's spree, when the victualling-office is out of order, asa little Fuller's-earth, or a dose of Daffy's; so that it may fairlybe presumed it is a universal beverage--nay, so much so, that a certaingentleman of City notoriety, though he has not yet obtained a seatin St. Stephen's Chapel, with an ingenuity equal to that of the_Bug-destroyer to the King_, {1} has latterly decorated his house, not ahundred miles from Cripplegate, with the words Wine and Brandy Merchantto her Majesty, in large letters, from which circumstance his depositoryof the refreshing and invigorating articles of life has obtained theappellation of the Queen's Gin Shop. "

Bob laughed heartily at his Cousin's interpretation of Daffy's. 

While Tom humm'd, in an under tone, the fag end of a song, by way ofconclusion--

 "Why, there's old Mother Jones, of St. Thomas's Street, If a jovial companion she chances to meet, Away to the gin-shop they fly for some max, And for it they'd pawn the last smock from their backs;

 For the juniper berry, It makes their hearts merry, With a hey down, down deny, Geneva's the liquor of life. "

By this time they were at the Globe; upon entering which, they weregreeted by Mortimer and Merry well, who had arrived before them; anddinner being served almost immediately, they were as quickly seated atthe table, to partake of an excellent repast. 

 1 It is a well-known fact, that a person of the name of Tiffin announced himself to the world under this very seductive title, which, doubtless, had the effect of bringing him considerable custom from the loyal subjects of his great patron. 

LONDON VOL I. Part 2. 

CHAPTER XVII

 "Here fashion and folly still go hand in hand, With the Blades of the East, and the Bucks of the Strand; The Bloods of the Park, and paraders so gay, Who are lounging in Bond Street the most of the day-- Who are foremost in all that is formed for delight, At greeking, or wenching, or drinking all night; For London is circled with unceasing joys: Then, East, West, North and South, let us hunt them, my boys. "

~258~~ THE entrance to the house had attracted Tallyho's admiration asthey proceeded; but the taste and elegance of the Coffee-room, fitted upwith brilliant chandeliers, and presenting amidst a blaze of splendourevery comfort and accommodation for its visitors, struck him withsurprise; in which however he was not suffered to remain long, forMerrywell and Mortimer had laid their plans with some degree of depthand determination to carry into execution the proposed ramble of theevening, and had ordered a private room for the party; besides which, they had invited a friend to join them, who was introduced to Tom andBob, under the title of Frank Harry. Frank Harry was a humorous sort offellow, who could tell a tough story, sing a merry song, and was up tosnuff, though he frequently got snuffy, singing, "The bottle's the Sun of our table, His beams are rosy wine: We, planets never are able

 Without his beams to shine. Let mirth and glee abound, You'll soon grow bright

 With borrow'd light, And shine as he goes round. "

He was also a bit of a dabbler at Poetry, a writer of Songs, Epigrams, Epitaphs, &c. ; and having been a long resident in the East, was thoughtto be a very useful guide on such an excursion, and proved himself avery ~259~~ pleasant sort of companion: he had a dawning pleasantryin his countenance, eradiated by an eye of vivacity, which seemed toindicate there was nothing which gave him so much gratification as amirth-moving jest. 

"What spirits were his, what wit and what whim, Now cracking a joke, andnow breaking a limb. "

Give him but food for laughter, and he would almost consider himselffurnished with food and raiment. There was however a pedantic mannerwith him at times; an affectation of the clerical in his dress, which, upon the whole, did not appear to be of the newest fashion, or improvedby wearing; yet he would not barter one wakeful jest for a hundredsleepy sermons, or one laugh for a thousand sighs. If he ever sigh'd atall, it was because he had been serious where he might have laugh'd;if he had ever wept, it was because mankind had not laugh'd more andmourn'd less. He appeared almost to be made up of contrarieties, turningat times the most serious subjects into ridicule, and moralizing uponthe most ludicrous occurrences of life, never failing to conclude hisobservations with some quaint or witty sentiment to excite risibility;seeming at the same time to say, "How I love to laugh; Never was a weeper; Care's a silly calf, Joy's my casket keeper. "

During dinner time he kept the table in a roar of laughter, by declaringit was his opinion there was a kind of puppyism in pigs that theyshould wear tails--calling a great coat, a spencer folio edition withtail-pieces--Hercules, a man-midwife in a small way of business, becausehe had but twelve labours--assured them he had seen a woman that morningwho had swallowed an almanac, which he explained by adding, that herfeatures were so carbuncled, that the red lettered days were visible onher face--that Horace ran away from the battle of Philippi, merely toprove that he was no lame poet--he described Critics as the door-portersto the Temple of Fame, whose business was to see that no persons slippedin with holes in their stockings, or paste buckles for diamond ones, butwas much in doubt whether they always performed their duty honestly--hecalled the Sun the _Yellow-hair'd Laddie_ ~260~~ --and the Prince ofDarkness, the _Black Prince_--ask'd what was the difference between asigh-heaver and a coal-heaver; but obtaining no answer, I will tell you, said he--The coal-heaver has a load at his back, which he can carry--buta sigh-heaver has one at his heart, which he can not carry. He had awhimsical knack of quoting old proverbs, and instead of saying, theCobbler should stick to his last, he conceived it ought to be, theCobbler should stick to his wax, because he thought that the morepracticable--What is bred in the bone, said he, will not come out withthe skewer; and justified his alteration by asserting it must be plainenough to the fat-headed comprehensions of those epicurean persons whohave the magpie-propensity of prying into marrow-bones. 

Dashall having remarked, in the course of conversation, that _necessityhas no law_. 

He declared he was sorry for it--it was surely a pity, consideringthe number of learned Clerks she might give employ to if she had--herChancellor (continued he) would have no sinecure of it, I judge: hearingthe petitions of her poor, broken-fortuned and bankrupt, subjects wouldtake up all his terms, though every term were a year, and every yeara term. Thus he united humour with seriousness, and seriousness withhumour, to the infinite amusement of those around him. 

Merrywell, who was well acquainted with, and knew his humour, tookevery opportunity of what is called drawing him out, and encouraginghis propensity to punning, a species of wit at which he was particularlyhappy, for puns fell as thick from him as leaves from autumn bowers; andhe further entertained them with an account of the intention he had someshort time back of petitioning for the office of pun-purveyor to hislate Majesty; but that before he could write the last line--"And yourpetitioner will ever pun" it was bestowed upon a Yeoman of the Guard. Still, however, said he, I have an idea of opening business as apun-wright in general to his Majesty's subjects, for the sale anddiffusion of all that is valuable in that small ware of wit, andintend to advertise--Puns upon all subjects, wholesale, retail, and forexportation. N B. 1. An allowance will be made to Captains and Gentlemengoing to the East and West Indies--Hooks, Peakes, Pococks, {1} suppliedon

 1 Well-known dramatic authors. 

~261~~ moderate terms--worn out sentiments and _clap-traps_ will betaken in exchange. N B. 2. May be had in a large quantity, in a greatdeal box, price five acts of sterling comedy per packet, or in smallquantities, in court-plaster sized boxes, price one melodrama andan interlude per box. N B. 3. The genuine puns are sealed with a trueMunden grin--all others are counterfeits--Long live Apollo, &c. &c. 

The cloth being removed, the wine was introduced, and

 "As wine whets the wit, improves its native force, And gives a pleasant flavour to discourse, "

Frank Harry became more lively at each glass--"Egad!" said he, "myintention of petitioning to be the king's punster, puts me in mind of astory. "

"Can't you sing it?" enquired Merrywell. 

"The pipes want clearing out first, " was the reply, "and that is a signI can't sing at present; but signal as it may appear, and I see sometelegraphic motions are exchanging, my intention is to shew to you allthe doubtful interpretation of signs in general. "

"Let's have it then, " said Tom; "but, Mr. Chairman, I remember an oldSong which concludes with this sentiment--

 "Tis hell upon earth to be wanting of wine. "

"The bottle is out, we must replenish. "

The hint was no sooner given, than the defect was remedied; and afteranother glass, "King James VI. On his arrival in London, (said he) was waited on bya Spanish Ambassador, a man of some erudition, but who had strangelyincorporated with his learning, a whimsical notion, that every countryought to have a school, in which a certain order of men should be taughtto interpret signs; and that the most expert in this department oughtto be dignified with the title of Professor of Signs. If this plan wereadopted, he contended, that most of the difficulties arising from theambiguity of language, and the imperfect acquaintance which people ofone nation had with the tongue of another, would be done away. Signs, heargued, arose from the dictates of nature; and, as they were the samein every country, there could be no danger of their being misunderstood. Full of this project, the Ambassador was ~262~~ lamenting one day beforethe King, that the nations of Europe were wholly destitute of this granddesideratum; and he strongly recommended the establishment of a collegefounded upon the simple principles he had suggested. The king, eitherto humour this Quixotic foible, or to gratify his own ambition at theexpense of truth, observed, in reply, 'Why, Sir, I have a Professorof Signs in one of the northernmost colleges in my dominions; butthe distance is, perhaps, six hundred miles, so that it will beimpracticable for you to have an interview with him. ' Pleased with thisunexpected information, the Ambassador exclaimed--'If it had been sixhundred leagues, I would go to see him; and I am determined to set outin the course of three or four days. ' The King, who now perceived thathe had committed himself, endeavoured to divert him from his purpose;but, finding this impossible, he immediately caused letters to bewritten to the college, stating the case as it really stood, and desiredthe Professors to get rid of the Ambassador in the best manner they wereable, without exposing their Sovereign. Disconcerted at this strange andunexpected message, the Professors scarcely knew how to proceed. They, however, at length, thought to put off their august visitant, by saying, that the Professor of Signs was not at home, and that his returnwould be very uncertain. Having thus fabricated the story, they madepreparations to receive the illustrious stranger, who, keeping his word, in due time reached their abode. On his arrival, being introduced withbecoming solemnity, he began to enquire, who among them had the honourof being Professor of Signs? He was told in reply, that neither ofthem had that exalted honour; but the learned gentleman, after whomhe enquired, was gone into the Highlands, that they conceived his staywould be considerable; but that no one among them could even conjecturethe period of his return. 'I will wait his coming, ' replied theAmbassador, 'if it be twelve months. '

"Finding him thus determined, and fearing, from the journey he hadalready undertaken that he might be as good as his word, the learnedProfessors had recourse to another stratagem. To this they foundthemselves driven, by the apprehension that they must entertain him aslong as he chose to tarry; and in case he should unfortunately weary outtheir patience, the whole affair must terminate ~263~~ in a discovery ofthe fraud. They knew a Butcher, who had been in the habit of serving thecolleges occasionally with meat. This man, they thought, with a littleinstruction might serve their purpose; he was, however, blind with oneeye, but he had much drollery and impudence about him, and very wellknew how to conduct any farce to which his abilities were competent. 

"On sending for Geordy, (for that was the butcher's name) theycommunicated to him the tale, and instructing him in the part he was toact, he readily undertook to become Professor of Signs, especially as hewas not to speak one word in the Ambassador's presence, on any pretencewhatever. Having made these arrangements, it was formally announced tothe Ambassador, that the Professor would be in town in the course ofa few days, when he might expect a silent interview. Pleased withthis information, the learned foreigner thought that he would put hisabilities at once to the test, by introducing into his dumb languagesome subject that should be at once difficult, interesting, andimportant. When the day of interview arrived, Geordy was cleaned up, decorated with a large bushy wig, and covered over with a singular gown, in every respect becoming his station. He was then seated in a chairof state, in one of their large rooms, while the Ambassador and thetrembling Professors waited in an adjoining apartment. 

"It was at length announced, that the learned Professor of Signs wasready to receive his Excellency, who, on entering the room, was struckwith astonishment at his venerable and dignified appearance. As none ofthe Professors would presume to enter, to witness the interview, undera pretence of delicacy, (but, in reality, for fear that their presencemight have some effect upon the risible muscles of Geordy's countenance)they waited with inconceivable anxiety, the result of this strangeadventure, upon which depended their own credit, that of the King, and, in some degree, the honour of the nation. 

"As this was an interview of signs, the Ambassador began with Geordy, by holding up one of his fingers; Geordy replied, by holding up two. TheAmbassador then held up three; Geordy answered, by clenching his fist, and looking sternly. The Ambassador then took an orange from his pocket, and held it up; Geordy returned the compliment, by taking from hispocket a ~264~~ piece of a barley cake, which he exhibited in a similarmanner. The ambassador, satisfied with the vast attainments of thelearned Professor, then bowed before him with profound reverence, andretired. On rejoining the agitated Professors, they fearfully began toenquire what his Excellency thought of their learned brother? 'He isa perfect miracle, ' replied the Ambassador, 'his worth is not to bepurchased by the wealth of half the Indies. ' 'May we presume to descendto particulars?' returned the Professors, who now began to thinkthemselves somewhat out of danger. 'Gentlemen, ' said the Ambassador, 'when I first entered into his presence, I held up one finger, to denotethat there is one God. He then held up two, signifying that the Fathershould not be divided from the Son. I then held up three, intimating, that I believed in Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. He then clenched hisfist, and, looking sternly at me, signified, that these three areone; and that he would defy me, either to separate them, or to makeadditions. I then took out an orange from my pocket, and held it up, toshow the goodness of God, and to signify that he gives to his creaturesnot only the necessaries, but even the luxuries of life. Then, to myutter astonishment, this wonderful man took from his pocket a piece ofbread, thus assuring me, that this was the staff of life, and was to bepreferred to all the luxuries in the world. Being thus satisfied withhis proficiency and great attainments in this science, I silentlywithdrew, to reflect upon what I had witnessed. ' "Diverted with thesuccess of their stratagem, the Professors continued to entertain theirvisitor, until he thought prudent to withdraw. No sooner had he retired, than the opportunity was seized to learn from Geordy, in what manner hehad proceeded to give the Ambassador such wonderful satisfaction; theybeing at a loss to conceive how he could have caught his ideas withso much promptitude, and have replied to them with proportionablereadiness. But, that one story might not borrow any features fromthe other, they concealed from Geordy all they had learned from theAmbassador; and desiring him to begin with his relation, he proceeded inthe following manner:--'When the rascal came into the room, after gazingat me a little, what do you think, gentlemen, that he did? He held upone finger, as much as to say, you have only one eye. I then held uptwo, to ~265~~ let him know that my one eye was as good as both ofhis. He then held up three, as much as to say, we have only three eyesbetween us. This was so provoking, that I bent my fist at the scoundrel, and had it not been for your sakes, I should certainly have risen fromthe chair, pulled off my wig and gown, and taught him how to insult aman, because he had the misfortune to lose one eye. The impudence ofthe fellow, however, did not stop here; for he then pulled out an orangefrom his pocket, and held it up, as much as to say, Your poor beggarlycountry cannot produce this. I then pulled out a piece of good cake, andheld it up, giving him to understand, that I did not care a farthing forhis trash. Neither do I; and I only regret, that I did not thrash thescoundrel's hide, that he might remember how he insulted me, and abusedmy country. ' We may learn from hence, that if there are not two ways oftelling a story, there are at least two ways of understanding Signs, andalso of interpreting them. "

This story, which was told with considerable effect by their merrycompanion, alternately called forth loud bursts of laughter, inducedprofound silence, and particularly interested and delighted youngMortimer and Tallyho; while Merrywell kept the glass in circulation, insisting on _no day-light_{1} nor _heel-taps_, {2} and the lads beganto feel themselves all in high feather. Time was passing in fearlessenjoyment, and Frank Harry being called on by Merrywell for a song, declared he had no objection to tip 'em a rum chant, provided it wasagreed that it should go round. 

This proposal was instantly acceded to, a promise made that he shouldnot be at a loss for a good _coal-box_;{3} and after a little morerosin, without which, he said, he could not pitch the key-note, he sungthe following~266~~

 SONG. 

 Oh, London! dear London! magnanimous City, Say where is thy likeness again to be found?

 Here pleasures abundant, delightful and pretty, All whisk us and frisk us in magical round;

 1 No day-light--That is to leave no space in the glass; or, in other words, to take a bumper. 

 2 Heel-taps--To leave no wine at the bottom. 

 3 Coal-box--A very common corruption of chorus. 

 Here we have all that in life can merry be, Looking and laughing with friends Hob and Nob, More frolic and fun than there's bloom on the cherry-tree, While we can muster a _Sovereign Bob_. 

(Spoken)--Yes, yes, London is the large world in a small compass: itcontains all the comforts and pleasures of human life--"Aye aye, (says a Bumpkin to his more accomplishedKinsman) Ye mun brag o' yer Lunnun fare; if smoak, smother, mud, andmakeshift be the comforts and pleasures, gie me free air, health anda cottage. "--Ha, ha, ha, Hark at the just-catch'd Johnny Rata, (says abang-up Lad in a lily-shallow and upper toggery) where the devil didyou come from? who let you loose upon society? d------e, you ought tobe coop'd up at Exeter 'Change among the wild beasts, the Kangaroos andCatabaws, and shewn as the eighth wonder of the world! Shew 'em in! Shew'em in! stir him up with a long pole; the like never seen before;here's the head of an owl with the tail of an ass--all alive, alive O!D------me how the fellow stares; what a marvellous piece of a mop-stickwithout thrums. --"By gum (says the Bumpkin) you looks more like an ape, and Ise a great mind to gie thee a douse o' the chops. "--You'd soon findyourself chop-fallen there, my nabs, (replies his antagonist)--you arenot up to the gammon--you must go to College and learn to sing

 Oh, London! dear London! &c. 

 Here the streets are so gay, and the features so smiling, With uproar and noise, bustle, bother, and gig; The lasses (dear creatures! ) each sorrow beguiling, The Duke and the Dustman, the Peer and the Prig; Here is his Lordship from gay Piccadilly, There an ould Clothesman from Rosemary Lane; Here is a Dandy in search of a filly, And there is a Blood, ripe for milling a pane. 

(Spoken)--All higgledy-piggledy, pigs in the straw--Lawyers, Lapidaries, Lamplighters, and Lap-dogs--Men-milliners, Money-lenders, and FancyMillers, Mouse-trap Mongers, and Matchmen, in one eternal round ofvariety! Paradise is a pail of cold water in comparison with itsunparalleled pleasures--and the wishing cap of Fortunatus could notproduce a greater abundance of delight--Cat's Meat--Dog's Meat--Herethey are all four a penny, hot hot hot, smoking hot, piping hothot Chelsea Buns--Clothes sale, clothes--Sweep, sweep--while a poorbare-footed Ballad Singer with a hoarse discordant voice at intervalschimes in with

 "They led me like a pilgrim thro' the labyrinth of care, You may know me by my sign and the robe that I wear;"

~267~~ so that the concatenation of sounds mingling all at once intoone undistinguished concert of harmony, induces me to add mine to thenumber, by singing--

 Oh, London! dear London! &c. 

 The Butcher, whose tray meets the dough of the Baker, And bundles his bread-basket out of his hand; The Exquisite Lad, and the dingy Flue Faker, {1}

 And coaches to go that are all on the stand: Here you may see the lean sons of Parnassus, The puffing Perfumer, so spruce and so neat; While Ladies, who flock to the fam'd Bonassus, Are boning our hearts as we walk thro' the street. 

(Spoken)--"In gude truth, " says a brawney Scotchman, "I'se ne'er see'dsic bonny work in a' my liefe--there's nae walking up the streetswithout being knock'd doon, and nae walking doon the streets withoutbeing tripp'd up. "--"Blood-an-oons, (says an Irishman) don't be afterblowing away your breath in blarney, my dear, when you'll want itpresently to cool your barley broth. "--"By a leaf, " cries a Porter witha chest of drawers on his knot, and, passing between them, capsizesboth at once, then makes the best of his way on a jog-trot, hummingto himself, Ally Croaker, or Hey diddle Ho diddle de; and leavingthe fallen heroes to console themselves with broken heads, whilesome officious friends are carefully placing them on their legs, andgenteelly easing their pockets of the possibles; after which theytoddle off at leisure, to sing

 Oh, London! dear London! &c. 

 Then for buildings so various, ah, who would conceive it, Unless up to London they'd certainly been? 'Tis a truth, I aver, tho' you'd scarcely believe it, That at the Court end not a Court's to be seen; Then for grandeur or style, pray where is the nation

 For fashion or folly can equal our own? Or fit out a fête like the grand Coronation?

 I defy the whole world, there is certainly none. 

(Spoken)--Talk of sights and sounds--is not there the ParliamentHouse, the King's Palace, and the Regent's Bomb--The Horse-guards, the Body-guards, and the Black-guards--The Black-legs, and theBluestockings--The Horn-blower, and the Flying Pie-man--The IndianJuggler--Punch and Judy--(imitating the well-known Show-man)--The youngand the old, the grave and the gay--The modest Maid and the willingCyprian--The Theatres--The Fives Court and the Court of Chancery--~268~~

 1 Flue Faker--A cant term for Chimney-sweep. 

 The Giants in Guildhall, to be seen by great and small, and, what's more than all, the Coronation Ball--

 Mirth, fun, frolic, and frivolity, To please the folks of quality:

 For all that can please the eye, the ear, the taste, the touch, the smell, Whether bang-up in life, unfriended or undone, No place has such charms as the gay town of London. 

 Oh, Loudon! dear London! &c. 

The quaint peculiarities of the Singer gave indescribable interest tothis song, as he altered his voice to give effect to the various criesof the inhabitants, and it was knock'd down with three times threerounds of applause; when Merrywell, being named for the next, sung, accompanied with Dashall and Frank Harry, the following

 GLEE. 

 "Wine, bring me wine--come fill the sparkling glass, Brisk let the bottle circulate; Name, quickly name each one his fav'rite lass, Drive from your brows the clouds of fate: Fill the sparkling bumper high, Let us drain the bottom dry. 

 Come, thou grape-encircled Boy! From thy blissful seats above, Crown the present hours with joy, Bring me wine and bring me love: Fill the sparkling bumper high, Let us drain the bottom dry. 

 Bacchus, o'er my yielding lip Spread the produce of thy vine; Love, thy arrows gently dip, Temp'ring them with generous wine: Fill the sparkling bumper high, Let us drain the bottom dry. "

In the mean time, the enemy of life was making rapid strides upon themunheeded, till Dashall reminded Merrywell of their intended visit tothe East; and that as he expected a large portion of amusement in thatquarter, he proposed a move. 

They were by this time all well primed--ripe for a rumpus--bang-up for alark or spree, any where, any how, or with any body; they therefore tookleave of their present scene of gaiety. ~269~~

CHAPTER XVIII

 "Wand'ring with listless gait and spirits gay, They Eastward next pursued their jocund way; With story, joke, smart repartee and pun, Their business pleasure, and their object fun. "

IT was a fine moonlight evening, and upon leaving the Globe, they againfound themselves in the hurry, bustle, and noise of the world. The glareof the gas-lights, and the rattling of coaches, carts and vehicles ofvarious-descriptions, mingled with

 "The busy hum of men, "

attracted the attention of their eyes and ears, while the exhilaratingjuice of the bottle had given a circulation to the blood whichenlivened imagination and invigorated fancy. Bob conceived himself inElysium, and Frank Harry was as frisky as a kitten. The first objectthat arrested their progress was the house of Mr. Hone, whose politicalParodies, and whose trials on their account, have given him so muchcelebrity. His window at the moment exhibited his recent satiricalpublication entitled a Slap at Slop and the Bridge Street Gang. {1}

 1 The great wit and humour displayed in this publication have deservedly entitled it to rank high among the jeu desprit productions of this lively age--to describe it were impossible--to enjoy it must be to possess it; but for the information of such of our readers as are remote from the Metropolis, it may perhaps be necessary to give something like a key of explanation to its title. A certain learned Gentleman, formerly the Editor of the Times, said now to be the Conductor of the New Times, who has by his writings rendered himself obnoxious to a numerous class of readers, has been long known by the title of Dr. Slop; in his publication, denominated the mock Times, and the Slop Pail, he has been strenuous in his endeavours to support and uphold a Society said to mis-call themselves The Constitutional Society, but now denominated The Bridge Street Gang; and the publication alluded to, contains humorous and satirical parodies, and sketches of the usual contents of his Slop Pail; with a Life of the learned Doctor, and an account of the origin of the Gang. 

~270~~ "Here, " said Tom, "we are introduced at once into a fine fieldof observation. The inhabitant of this house defended himself in threedifferent trials for the publication of alleged impious, profane, andscandalous libels on the Catechism, the Litany, and the Creed of St. Athanasius, with a boldness, intrepidity, and perseverance, almostunparalleled, as they followed in immediate succession, without even anallowance of time for bodily rest or mental refreshment. "

"Yes, " continued Frank Harry, "and gained a verdict on each occasion, notwithstanding the combined efforts of men in power, and those whoseconstant practice in our Courts of Law, with learning and information attheir fingers ends, rendered his enemies fearful antagonists. "

"It was a noble struggle, " said Tallyho; "I remember we had accountsof it in the country, and we did not fail to express our opinions bysubscriptions to remunerate the dauntless defender of the rights andprivileges of the British subject. "

"_Tip us your flipper_"{1} said Harry---"then I see you are a true bitof the bull breed--one of us, as I may say. Well, now you see the spotof earth he inhabits--zounds, man, in his shop you will find amusementfor a month--see here is The House that Jack Built--there is the Queen'sMatrimonial Ladder, do you mark?--What think you of these qualificationsfor a Gentleman?

"In love, and in liquor, and o'ertoppled with debt, With women, withwine, and with duns on the fret. "

There you have the Nondescript--

 "A something, a nothing--what none understand, Be-mitred, be-crowned, but without heart or hand; There's Jack in the Green too, and Noodles, alas! "Who doodle John Bull of gold, silver, and brass. 

"Come, " said Dashall, "you must cut your story short; I know if youbegin to preach, we shall have a sermon as long as from here to SouthAmerica, so allons;" and with this impelling his Cousin forward, they

 1 Tip us your Flipper--your mawley--your daddle, or your thieving hook; are terms made use of as occasions may suit the company in which they are introduced, to signify a desire to shake hands. 

~271~~ approached towards Saint Paul's, chiefly occupied in conversationon the great merit displayed in the excellent designs of Mr. Cruikshank, which embellish the work they had just been viewing; nor did theydiscover any thing further worthy of notice, till Bob's ears weresuddenly attracted by a noise somewhat like that of a rattle, andturning sharply round to discover from whence it came, was amused withthe sight of several small busts of great men, apparently dancing to themusic of a weaver's shuttle. {1}

"What the devil do you call this?" said he--"is it an exhibition ofwax-work, or a model academy?"

"Neither, " replied Dashall; "this is no other than the shop of awell-known dealer in stockings and nightcaps, who takes this ingeniousmode of making himself popular, and informing the passengers that

 "Here you may be served with all patterns and sizes, From the foot to the head, at moderate prices;"

with woolens for winter, and cottons for summer--Let us move on, forthere generally is a crowd at the door, and there is little doubt but heprofits by those who are induced to gaze, as most people do in London, if they can but entrap attention. Romanis is one of those gentlemen whohas contrived to make some noise in the world by puffing advertisements, and the circulation of poetical handbills. He formerly kept a very smallshop for the sale of hosiery nearly opposite the East-India House, wherehe supplied the Sailors after receiving their pay for a long voyage, aswell as their Doxies, with the articles in which he deals, by obtainingpermission to style himself "Hosier to the Rt. Hon. East India Company. "Since which, finding his trade increase and his purse extended, he hasextended his patriotic views of clothing the whole population of Londonby opening shops in various parts, and has at almost all times two orthree depositories for

1 Romanis, the eccentric Hosier, generally places a loom near the doorof his shops decorated with small busts; some of which being attachedto the upper movements of the machinery, and grotesquely attired inpatchwork and feathers, bend backwards and forwards with the motion ofthe works, apparently to salute the spectators, and present to the ideapersons dancing; while every passing of the shuttle produces a noisewhich may be assimilated to that of the Rattlesnake, accompanied withsounds something like those of a dancing-master beating time to hisscholars. ~272~~ his stock. At this moment, besides what we have justseen, there is one in Gracechurch Street, and another in Shoreditch, where the passengers are constantly assailed by a little boy, who standsat the door with some bills in his hand, vociferating--Cheap, cheap. "

"Then, " said Bob, "wherever he resides I suppose may really be calledCheapside?"

"With quite as much propriety, " continued Ton, "as the place we are nowin; for, as the Irishman says in his song, "At a place called Cheapside they sell every thing dear. "

During this conversation, Mortimer, Merrywell, and Harry were amusingthemselves by occasionally addressing the numerous Ladies who werepassing, and taking a peep at the shops--giggling with girls, oradmiring the taste and elegance displayed in the sale of fashionable anduseful articles--justled and impeded every now and then by the throng. Approaching Bow Church, they made a dead stop for a moment. 

"What a beautiful steeple!" exclaimed Bob; "I should, though noarchitect, prefer this to any I have yet seen in London. "

"Your remark, " replied Dashall, "does credit to your taste; it isconsidered the finest in the Metropolis. St. Paul's displays the grandeffort of Sir Christopher Wren; but there are many other fine specimensof his genius to be seen in the City. His Latin Epitaph in St. Paul'smay be translated thus: 'If you seek his monument, look around you;' andwe may say of this steeple, 'If you wish a pillar to his fame, lookup. ' The interior of the little church, Walbrook, {1} (St. Stephen's) islikewise considered a

 1 This church is perhaps unrivalled, for the beauty of the architecture of its interior. For harmony of proportion, grace, airiness, variety, and elegance, it is not to be surpassed. It is a small church, built in the form of a cross. The roof is supported by Corinthian columns, so disposed as to raise an idea of grandeur, which the dimensions of the structure do not seem to promise. Over the centre, at which the principal aisles cross, is a dome divided into compartments, the roof being partitioned in a similar manner, and the whole finely decorated. The effect of this build-ing is inexpressibly delightful; the eye at one glance embracing a plan full and distinct, and afterwards are seen a greater number of parts than the spectator was prepared to expect. It is known and admired on the Continent, as a master-piece of art. Over the altar is a fine painting of the martyrdom of St. Stephen, by West. 

~273~~ _chef d'ouvre_ of the same artist, and serves to display theversatility of his genius. "

Instead however of looking up, Bob was looking over the way, where anumber of people, collected round a bookseller's window, had attractedhis attention. 

"Apropos, " cried Dashall, --"The Temple of Apollo--we should haveoverlook'd a fine subject, but for your remark--yonder is Tegg's EveningBook Auction, let us cross and see what's going on. He is a fellow of'infinite mirth and good humour, ' and many an evening have I passed athis Auction, better amused than by a farce at the Theatre. "

They now attempted to cross, but the intervening crowd of carriages, three or four deep, and in a line as far as the eye could reach, for thepresent opposed an obstacle. 

"If I could think of it, " said Sparkle, "I'd give you the Ode on hisBirth-day, which I once saw in MS. --it is the _jeu d'esprit_ of a veryclever young Poet, and who perhaps one of these days may be betterknown; but poets, like anatomical subjects, are worth but little tilldead. "

"And for this reason, I suppose, " says Tom, "their friends and patronsare anxious they should rather be starved than die a natural death. "

"Oh! now I have it--let us remain in the Church-yard a few minutes, while the carriages pass, and you shall hear it. "~274~~

 "Ye hackney-coaches, and ye carts, That oft so well perform your parts For those who choose to ride, Now louder let your music grow-- Your heated axles fiery glow-- Whether you travel quick or slow- In Cheapside. 

 For know, "ye ragged rascals all, " (As H----- would in his pulpit bawl With cheeks extended wide) Know, as you pass the crowded way, This is the happy natal day Of Him whose books demand your stay In Cheapside. 

 'Twas on the bright propitious morn When the facetious Tegcy was born, Of mirth and fun the pride, That Nature said "good Fortune follow, Bear him thro' life o'er hill and hollow, Give him the Temple of Apollo In Cheapside. "

 Then, O ye sons of Literature! Shew your regard for Mother Nature, Nor let her be denied: Hail! hail the man whose happy birth May tell the world of mental worth; They'll find the best books on the earth In Cheapside. 

"Good!" exclaimed Bob; "but we will now endeavour to make our wayacross, and take a peep at the subject of the Ode. "

Finding the auction had not yet commenced, Sparkle proposed adjourningto the Burton Coffee House in the adjacent passage, taking a nip of aleby way of refreshment and exhilaration, and returning in half an hour. This proposition was cordially agreed to by all, except Tallyho, whoseattention was engrossed by a large collection of Caricatures whichlay exposed in a portfolio on the table beneath the rostrum. Theirresistible broad humour of the subjects had taken fast hold of hisrisible muscles, and in turning them over one after the other, he foundit difficult to part with such a rich fund of humour, and still more soto stifle the violent emotion it excited. At length, clapping his handsto his sides, he gave full vent to the impulse in a horse-laugh from apair of truly Stentorian lungs, and was by main force dragged out by hiscompanions. 

While seated in the comfortable enjoyment of their nips of ale, Sparkle, with his usual vivacity, began an elucidation of the subjects theyhad just left. "The collection of Caricatures, " said he, "which isconsidered the largest in London, are mostly from the pencil of thatself-taught artist, the late George Woodward, and display not only agenuine and original style of humour in the design, but a correspondingand appropriate character in the dialogue, or speeches connected withthe figures. Like his contemporary in another branch of the art, GeorgeMorland, he possessed all the eccentricity and thoughtless improvidenceso common and frequently so fatal to genius; and had not his goodfortune led him towards Bow Church, he must have suffered severeprivations, and perhaps eventually have perished of want. Here, healways found a ready market, and a liberal price for his productions, however rude or hasty the sketch, or whatever might be the subject ofthem. "

~275~~ "As to books, " continued he, "all ages, classes, and appetites, may be here suited. The superficial dabbler in, and pretender to everything, will find collections, selections, beauties, flowers, gems, &c. The man of real knowledge may here purchase the elements, theory, and practice of every art and science, in all the various forms anddimensions, from a single volume, to the Encyclopedia at large. The dandy may meet with plenty of pretty little foolscap volumes, delightfully hot-pressed, and exquisitely embellished; the contents ofwhich will neither fatigue by the quantity, nor require the laboriouseffort of thought to comprehend. The jolly _bon-vivant_ and Bacchanalwill find abundance of the latest songs, toasts, and sentiments; and theWould-be-Wit will meet with Joe Miller in such an endless variety ofnew dresses, shapes, and sizes, that he may fancy he possesses all thecollected wit of ages brought down to the present moment. The youngClerical will find sermons adapted to every local circumstance, everyrank and situation in society, and may furnish himself with a completestock in trade of sound orthodox divinity; while the City Epicure maystore himself with a complete library on the arts of confectionary, cookery, &c, from Apicius, to the "Glutton's Almanack. " The Demagoguemay furnish himself with flaming patriotic speeches, ready cut anddried, which he has only to learn by heart against the next PoliticalDinner, and if he should not 'let the cat out, ' by omitting tosubstitute the name of Londonderry for Cæsar, he may pass off for asecond Brutus, and establish an equal claim to oratory with Burke, Pitt, and Fox. The----"

"Auction will be over, " interrupted Bob, "before you get half throughyour descriptive Catalogue of the Books, so finish your nip, and let usbe off. "

They entered, and found the Orator hard at it, knocking down with allthe energy of a Crib, and the sprightly wit of a Sheridan. Puns, bonmots, and repartees, flew about like crackers. 

"The next lot, Gentlemen, is the Picture of London, --impossible topossess a more useful book--impossible to say what trouble and expencemay be avoided by the possession of this little volume. When yourCountry Cousins pay you a visit, what a bore, what an expence, to beday after day leading them about--taking them up the Monument--downthe Adelphi--round St. Paul's--across the ~276~~ Parks, through the newStreets--along the Strand, or over the Docks, the whole of which may beavoided at the expence of a few shillings. You have only to clap intotheir pocket in the morning this invaluable little article, turn themout for the day, and, if by good luck they should not fall into thehands of sharpers and swindlers, your dear Coz will return safe home atnight, with his head full of wonders, and his pockets empty of cash!"

"The d----l, " whispered Bob, "he seems to know me, and what scent we areupon. "

"Aye, " replied his Cousin, "he not only knows you, but he knows thatsome of your cash will soon be in his pockets, and has therefore made adead set at you. "

"Next lot, Gentlemen, is a work to which my last observation bore someallusion; should your friends, as I then observed, fortunately escapethe snares and dangers laid by sharpers and swindlers to entrap theunwary, you may, perchance, see them safe after their day's ramble; butshould--aye, Gentlemen, there's the rub--should they be caught by thenumerous traps and snares laid for the Johnny Raw and Greenhorn in thisgreat and wicked metropolis, God knows what may become of them. Now, Gentlemen, we have a remedy for every disease--here is the London Spyor Stranger's Guide through the Metropolis; here all the arts, frauds, delusions, &c. Are exposed, and--Tom, give that Gentleman change forhis half crown, and deliver Lot 3. --As I was before observing, Gentlemen--Turn out that young rascal who is making such a noise, cracking nuts, that I can't hear the bidding. --Gentlemen, as I beforeobserved, if you will do me the favour of bidding me--"

"Good night, Sir, " cried a younker, who had just exploded a detonatingcracker, and was making his escape through the crowd. 

"The next lot, gentlemen, is the Young Man's best Companion, and as yourhumble Servant is the author, he begs to decline any panegyric--modestyforbids it--but leaves it entirely with you to appreciate itsmerits--two shillings--two and six--three shillings--three andsix--four, going for four--for you, Sir, at four. "

"Me, Sir! Lord bless you, I never opened my mouth!"

"Perfectly aware of that, Sir, it was quite unnecessary--I could readyour intention in your eye--and observed the muscle of the mouth, call'dby anatomists the

~277~~ _zygomaticus major_, in the act of moving. I should have beendull not to have noticed it--and rude not to have saved you thetrouble of speaking: Tom, deliver the Gentleman the lot, and take fourshillings. "

"Well, Sir, I certainly feel flattered with your acute and politeattention, and can do no less than profit by it--so hand up thelot--cheap enough, God knows. "

"And pray, " said Dashall to his Cousin as they quitted, "what do youintend doing with all your purchases? why it will require a waggon toremove them. "

"O, I shall send the whole down to Belville Hall: our friends there willbe furnished with a rare stock of entertainment during the long winterevenings, and no present I could offer would be half so acceptable. "

"Well, " remarked Mortimer, "you bid away bravely, and frequently in youreagerness advanced on yourself: at some sales you would have paid dearlyfor this; but here no advantage was taken, the mistake was explained, and the bidding declined in the most fair and honourable manner. I haveoften made considerable purchases, and never yet had reason to repent, which is saying much; for if I inadvertently bid for, and had a lotknocked down to me, which I afterwards disliked, I always found anacquaintance glad to take it off my hands at the cost, and in severalinstances have sold or exchanged to considerable advantage. One thing Iam sorry we overlooked: a paper entitled, "Seven Reasons, " is generallydistributed during the Sale, and more cogent reasons I assure you couldnot be assigned, both for purchasing and reading in general, had theseven wise men of Greece drawn them up. You may at any time procure acopy, and it will furnish you with an apology for the manner in whichyou have spent your time and money, for at least one hour, during yourabode in London. "

Please, Sir, to buy a ha'porth of matches, said a poor, squalid littlechild without a shoe to her foot, who was running by the side ofBob--it's the last ha'porth, Sir, and I must sell them before I go home. 

This address was uttered in so piteous a tone, that it could not well bepassed unheeded. 

"Why, " said Tallyho, "as well as Bibles and Schools for all, Londonseems to have a match for every body. "

"Forty a penny, Spring-radishes, " said a lusty bawling ~278~~ fellow ashe passed, in a voice so loud and strong, as to form a complete contrastto the little ragged Petitioner, 'who held out her handful of matchescontinuing her solicitations. Bob put his hand in his pocket, and gaveher sixpence. 

"We shall never get on at this rate, " said Tom; "and I find I must againadvise you not to believe all you hear and see. These little raggedrun-abouts are taught by their Parents a species of imposition ordeception of which you are not aware, and while perhaps you congratulateyourself with 'the thought of having done a good act, you are onlycontributing to the idleness and dissipation of a set of hardenedbeings, who are laughing at your credulity; and I suspect this is a casein point--do you see that woman on the opposite side of the way, and thechild giving her the money?"

"I do, " said Tallyho; "that, I suppose, is her mother?"

"Probably, " continued Dashall--"now mark what will follow. "

They stopped a short time, and observed that the Child very soondisposed of her last bunch of matches, as she had termed them, gave themoney to the woman, who supplied her in return with another last bunch, to be disposed of in a similar way. 

"Is it possible?" said Bob. 

"Not only possible, but you see it is actual; it is not however the onlyspecies of deceit practised with success in London in a similar way;indeed the trade of match-making has latterly been a good one amongthose who have been willing to engage in it. Many persons of decentappearance, representing themselves to be tradesmen and mechanics outof employ, have placed themselves at the corners of our streets, andcanvassed the outskirts of the town, with green bags, carrying matches, which, by telling a pityful tale, they induce housekeepers and others, who commiserate their situation, to purchase; and, in the evening, areable to figure away in silk stockings with the produce of their labours. There is one man, well known in town, who makes a very good livelihoodby bawling in a stentorian voice, "Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, Whow whow, will you buy my good matches, Buy my good matches, come buy'em of me. "

~279~~ He is usually dressed in something like an old military greatcoat, wears spectacles, and walks with a stick. "

"And is a match for any body, match him who can, ", cried Frank Harry;"But, bless your heart, that's nothing to another set of gentry, whohave infested our streets in clean apparel, with a broom in their hands, holding at the same time a hat to receive the contributions of thepassengers, whose benevolent donations are drawn forth without inquiryby the appearance of the applicant. "

"It must, " said Tallyho, "arise from the distresses of the times. "

"There may be something in that, " said Tom; "but in many instances ithas arisen from the depravity of the times--to work upon the well-knownbenevolent feelings of John Bull; for those who ambulate the publicstreets of this overgrown and still increasing Metropolis and itsprincipal avenues, are continually pestered with impudent impostors, ofboth sexes, soliciting charity--men and women, young and old, who getmore by their pretended distresses in one day than many industrious andpainstaking tradesmen or mechanics do in a week. All the miseries, all the pains of life, with tears that ought to be their honest andinvariable signals, can be and are counterfeited--limbs, which enjoy thefair proportion of nature, are distorted, to work upon humanity--fitsare feigned and wounds manufactured--rags, and other appearances of themost squalid and abject poverty, are assumed, as the best engines ofdeceit, to procure riches to the idle and debaucheries to the infamous. Ideal objects of commiseration are undoubtedly to be met with, thoughrarely to be found. It requires a being hackneyed in the ways of men, orhaving at least some knowledge of the town, to be able to discriminatethe party deserving of benevolence; but

 "A begging they will go will go, And a begging they will go. "

The chief cause assigned by some for the innumerable classes ofmendicants that infest our streets, is a sort of innate principle ofindependence and love of liberty. However, it must be apparent that theydo not like to work, and to beg they are not ashamed; they are, with very few exceptions, lazy and impudent. And then what ~280~~ iscollected from the humane but deluded passengers is of course expendedat their festivals in Broad Street, St. Giles's, or some other equallyelegant and appropriate part of the town, to which we shall at an earlyperiod pay a visit. Their impudence is intolerable; for, if refuseda contribution, they frequently follow up the denial with the vilestexecrations. 

 "To make the wretched blest, Private charity is best. "

"The common beggar spurns at your laws; indeed many of their arts are sodifficult of detection, that they are enabled to escape the vigilance ofthe police, and with impunity insult those who do not comply with theirwishes, seeming almost to say, "While I am a beggar I will rail, And say there is no sin but to be rich; And being rich, my virtue then shall be, To say there is no vice but beggary. "

"Begging has become so much a sort of trade, that parents have beenknown to give their daughters or sons the begging of certain streets inthe metropolis as marriage portions; and some years ago some scoundrelswere in the practice of visiting the outskirts of the town in sailors'dresses, pretending to be dumb, and producing written papers statingthat their tongues had been cut out by the Algerines, by which meansthey excited compassion, and were enabled to live well. "

"No doubt it is a good trade, " said Merry well, "and I expected weshould have been made better acquainted with its real advantages byCapt. Barclay, of walking and sporting celebrity, who, it was said, hadlaid a wager of 1000L. That he would walk from London to Edinburgh inthe assumed character of a beggar, pay all his expences of living wellon the road, and save out of his gains fifty pounds. "

"True, " said Tom, "but according to the best account that can beobtained, that report is without foundation. The establishment, however, of the Mendicity Society{1}

 1 The frauds and impositions practised upon the public are so numerous, that volumes might be filled by detailing the arts that have been and are resorted to by mendicants; and the records of the Society alluded to would furnish instances that might almost stagger the belief of the most credulous. The life of the infamous Vaux exhibits numerous instances in which he obtained money under genteel professions, by going about with a petition soliciting the aid and assistance of the charitable and humane; and therefore are continually cheats who go from door to door collecting money for distressed families, or for charitable purposes. It is, however, a subject so abundant, and increasing by every day's observation, that we shall for the present dismiss it, as there will be other opportunities in the course of the work for going more copiously into it. 

281~~ is calculated to discover much on this subject, and has alreadybrought to light many instances of depravity and deception, welldeserving the serious consideration of the public. "

As they approached the end of the Poultry, --"This, " said Dashall, "isthe heart of the first commercial city in the known world. On the rightis the Mansion House, the residence of the Lord Mayor for the timebeing. "

The moon had by this time almost withdrawn her cheering beams, and therewas every appearance, from the gathering clouds, of a shower of rain. 

"It is rather a heavy looking building, from what I can see at present, "replied Tallyho. 

"Egad!" said Tom, "the appearance of every thing at this moment isgloomy, let us cross. "

With this, they crossed the road to Debatt's the Pastry Cook's Shop. 

"Zounds!" said Tom, casting his eye upon the clock, "it is after ten; Ibegin to suspect we must alter our course, and defer a view of the eastto a more favourable opportunity, and particularly as we are likely tohave an accompaniment of water. "

"Never mind, " said Merrywell, "we can very soon be in very comfortablequarters; besides, a rattler is always to be had or a comfortablelodging to be procured with an obliging bed-fellow--don't you begin tocroak before there is any occasion for it--what has time to do with us?"

"Aye aye, " said Frank Harry, "don't be after damping us before weget wet; this is the land of plenty, and there is no fear of beinglost--come along. "

"On the opposite side, " said Tom, addressing his Cousin, "is the Bank ofEngland; it is a building of large extent and immense business; you cannow only discern its exterior by the light of the lamps; it is howevera place 282~~ to which we must pay a visit, and take a complete surveyupon some future occasion. In the front is the Royal Exchange, the dailyresort of the Merchants and Traders of the Metropolis, to transact theirvarious business. "

"Come, " said Merry well, "I find we are all upon the right scent--FrankHarry has promised to introduce us to a house of well known resort inthis neighbourhood--we will shelter ourselves under the staple commodityof the country--for the Woolsack and the Woolpack, I apprehend, aresynonimous. "

"Well thought of, indeed, " said Dashall; "it is a house where you mayat all times be certain of good accommodation and respectablesociety--besides, I have some acquaintance there of long standing, andmay probably meet with them; so have with you, my boys. The Woolpackin Cornhill, " continued he, addressing himself more particularly toTallyho, "is a house that has been long established, and deservedlycelebrated for its general accommodations, partaking as it does of thetriple qualifications of tavern, chop-house, and public-house. Belowstairs is a commodious room for smoking parties, and is the constantresort of foreigners, {1}

 1 There is an anecdote related, which strongly induces a belief that Christian VII. While in London, visited this house in company with his dissipated companion, Count Holcke, which, as it led to the dismissal of Holcke, and the promotion of the afterwards unfortunate Struensée, and is perhaps not very generally known, we shall give here. 

 One day while in London, Count Holcke and Christian vir. Went to a well-known public-house not far from the Bank, which was much frequented by Dutch and Swedish Captains: Here they listened to the conversation of the company, which, as might be expected, was full of expressions of admiration and astonishment at the splendid festivities daily given in honour of Christian VII. Count Holcke, who spoke German in its purity, asked an old Captain what he thought of his King, and if he were not proud of the honours paid to him by the English?--"I think (said the old man dryly) that with such counsellors as Count Holcke, if he escapes destruction it will be a miracle. "--' Do you know Count Holcke, my friend, (said the disguised courtier) as you speak of him thus familiarly?'--"Only by report (replied the Dane); but every person in Copenhagen pities the young Queen, attributing the coolness which the King shewed towards her, ere he set out on his voyage, to the malicious advice of Holcke. " The confusion of this minion may be easier conceived than described; whilst the King, giving the Skipper a handful of ducats, bade him _speak the truth and shame the devil_. As soon, however, as the King spoke in Danish, the Skipper knew him, and looking at him with love and reverence, said in a low, subdued tone of voice--" Forgive me, Sire, but I cannot forbear my tears to see you exposed to the temptations of this extensive and wicked Metropolis, under the pilotage of the most dissolute nobleman of Denmark. " Upon which he retired, bowing profoundly to his Sovereign, and casting at Count Holcke a look full of defiance and reproach. Holcke's embarrassment was considerably increased by this, and he was visibly hurt, seeing the King in a manner countenanced the rudeness of the Skipper. 

 This King, who it should seem determined to see _Real Life in London_, mingled in all societies, participating in their gaieties and follies, and by practices alike injurious to body and soul, abandoned himself to destructive habits, whose rapid progress within a couple of years left nothing but a shattered and debilitated hulk afflicted in the morning of life with all the imbecility of body and mind incidental to extreme old age. 

~283~~ who are particularly partial to the brown stout, which they canobtain there in higher perfection than in any other house in London. Brokers and others, whose business calls them to the Royal Exchange, arealso pretty constant visitors, to meet captains and traders--dispose ofdifferent articles of merchandise--engage shipping and bind bargains--itis a sort of under Exchange, where business and refreshment go hand inhand with the news of the day, and the clamour of the moment; besidewhich, the respectable tradesmen of the neighbourhood meet in an eveningto drive dull care away, and converse on promiscuous subjects; it isgenerally a mixed company, but, being intimately connected with ourobject of seeing _Real Life in London_, deserves a visit. On the firstfloor is a good room for dining, where sometimes eighty persons in aday are provided with that necessary meal in a genteel style, and at amoderate price--besides other rooms for private parties. Above these isperhaps one of the handsomest rooms in London, of its size, capable ofdining from eighty to a hundred persons. But you will now partake of itsaccommodations, and mingle with some of its company. "

By this time they had passed the Royal Exchange, and Tom was enlargingupon the new erections lately completed; when all at once, "Hallo, " said Bob, "what is become of our party?" "All right, " repliedhis Cousin; "they have given us the slip without slipping from us--Iknow their movements to a moment, we shall very soon be with them--thisway--this way, " said he, drawing Bob into the narrow passage which leadsto the back of St. Peter's Church, Cornhill--"this is the track we mustfollow. "

Tallyho followed in silence till they entered the house, and weregreeted by the Landlord at the bar with a bow of welcome; passingquickly to the right, they were saluted with immoderate volumes ofsmoke, conveying to their olfactory nerves the refreshing fumes oftobacco, and almost taking from them the power of sight, except toobserve a bright flame burning in the middle of the room. Tom dartedforward, and knowing his way well, was quickly seated by the side ofMerrywell, Mortimer, and Harry; while Tallyho was seen by those who wereinvisible to him', groping his way in the same direction, amidst thelaughter of the company, occasionally interlarded with scraps whichcaught his ear from a gentleman who was at the moment reading some ofthe comments from the columns of the Courier, in which he made frequentpauses and observations. 

~284~~ "Why, you can't see yourself for smoke, " said one; "D------n ithow hard you tread, " said another. And then a line from the Reader cameas follows--"The worthy Alderman fought his battles o'er again--Ha, ha, ha--Who comes here 1 upon my word, Sir, I thought you had lost your way, and tumbled into the Woolpack instead of the Skin-market. --' It is afriend of mine, Sir. '--That's a good joke, upon my soul; not arrivedyet, why St. Martin's bells have been ringing all day; perhaps he isonly half-seas over--Don't tell me, I know better than that--D------nthat paper, it ought to be burnt by--The fish are all poison'd by theGas-light Company--Six weeks imprisonment for stealing two dogs!--Hidesand bark--How's sugars to-day?--Stocks down indeed--Yes, Sir, and breadup--Presto, be gone--What d'ye think of that now, eh?--Gammon, nothingbut gammon--On table at four o'clock ready dressed and--Well done, myboy, that's prime. "

These sentences were uttered from different parts of the room inalmost as great a variety of voices as there must have been subjectsof conversation; but as they fell upon the ear of Tallyho withoutconnection, he almost fancied himself transported to the tower of Babelamidst the confusion of tongues. 

"Beg pardon, " said Tallyho, who by this time had gained a seat by hisCousin, and was gasping like a turtle for air--"I am not used to thistravelling in the dark; but I shall be able to see presently. "

"See, " said Frank Harry, "who the devil wants to see more than theirfriends around them? and here we are _at home to a peg_. "

~285~~ "I shall have finished in two minutes, Gentlemen, " said theReader, {1} cocking up a red nose, that shone with resplendent lustrebetween his spectacles, and then continuing to read on, only listenedto by a few of those around him, while a sort of general buz ofconversation was indistinctly heard from all quarters. 

They were quickly supplied with grog and segars, and Bob, findinghimself a little better able to make use of his eyes, was throwinghis glances to every part of the room, in order to take a view of thecompany: and while Tom was congratulated by those who knew him at the_Round Table_--Merrywell and Harry were in close conversation withMortimer. 

At a distant part of the room, one could perceive boxes containing smallparties of convivials, smoking and drinking, every one seeming to havesome business of importance to claim occasional attention, or engagedin, "The loud laugh that speaks the vacant mind. " In one corner was a stoutswarthy-looking man, with large whiskers and of ferocious appearance, amusing those around him with conjuring tricks, to their greatsatisfaction and delight; nearly opposite the Reader of the Courier, satan elderly Gentleman{2} with grey hair, who heard

 1 To those who are in the habit of visiting this room in an evening, the character alluded to here will immediately be familiar. He is a gentleman well known in the neighbourhood as an Auctioneer, and he has a peculiar manner of reading with strong emphasis certain passages, at the end of which he makes long pauses, laughs with inward satisfaction, and not infrequently infuses a degree of pleasantry in others. The Courier is his favourite paper, and if drawn into an argument, he is not to be easily subdued. 

 "At arguing too each person own'd his skill, For e'en tho' vanquish'd, he can argue still. "

 2 This gentleman, who is also well known in the room, where he generally smokes his pipe of an evening, is plain and blunt, but affable and communicative in his manners--bold in his assertions, and has proved himself courageous in defending them--asthmatic, and by some termed phlegmatic; but an intelligent and agreeable companion, unless thwarted in his argument--a stanch friend to the late Queen and the constitution of his country, with a desire to have the _Constitution, the whole Constitution, and nothing but the Constitution_. 

~286~~ what was passing, but said nothing; he however puffed away largequantities of smoke at every pause of the Reader, and occasionallygrinn'd at the contents of the paper, from which. Tallyho readilyconcluded that he was in direct political opposition to its sentiments. 

The acquisition of new company was not lost upon to those who wereseated at the round table, and it was not long before the Hon. TomDashall was informed that they hoped to have the honour of his Cousin'sname as a member; nor were they backward in conveying a similar hintto Frank Harry, who immediately proposed his two friends, Mortimer andMerry well; an example which was followed by Tom's proposing his Cousin. 

[Illustration: page286 Road to a Fight]

Such respectable introductions could not fail to meet the approbationof the Gentlemen present, --consequently they were unanimously electedKnights of the Round Table, which was almost as quickly supplied by theWaiter with a capacious bowl of punch, and the healths of the newmadeMembers drank with three times three; when their attention was suddenlydrawn to a distant part of the room, where a sprightly Stripling, whowas seated by the swarthy Conjuror before mentioned, was singing thefollowing Song:

 THE JOYS OF A MILL, OR A TODDLE TO A FIGHT. 

 "Now's the time for milling, boys, since all the world's agog for it, Away to Copthorne, Moulsey Hurst, or Slipperton they go; Or grave or gay, they post away, nay pawn their very togs for it, And determined to be up to all, go down to see the show: Giddy pated, hearts elated, cash and courage all to view it, Ev'ry one to learn a bit, and tell his neighbours how to do it; E'en little Sprites in lily whites, are fibbing it and rushing it, Your dashing Swells from Bagnigge Wells, are flooring it and flushing it:

 Oh! 'tis a sight so gay and so uproarious, That all the world is up in arms, and ready for a fight. The roads are so clogg'd, that they beggar all description now, With lads and lasses, prim'd and grogg'd for bang-up fun and glee; Here's carts and gigs, and knowing prigs all ready to kick up a row, And ev'ry one is anxious to obtain a place to see; Here's a noted sprig of life, who sports his tits and clumner too, And there is Cribb and Gully, Belcher, Oliver, and H armer too, With Shelton, Bitton, Turner, Hales, and all the lads to go it well, Who now and then, to please the Fancy, make opponents know it well:

 Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. But now the fight's begun, and the Combatants are setting to, Silence is aloud proclaim'd by voices base and shrill; Facing, stopping---fibbing, dropping--claret tapping--betting too-- Reeling, rapping--physic napping, all to grace the mill; Losing, winning--horse-laugh, grinning--mind you do not glance away, Or somebody may mill your mug, and of your nob in Chancery; For nobs and bobs, and empty fobs, the like no tongue could ever tell-- See, here's the heavy-handed Gas, and there's the mighty Non- pareil:

 Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. Thus milling is the fashion grown, and ev'ry one a closer is; With lessons from the lads of fist to turn out quite the thing; True science may be learn'd where'er the fam'd Mendoza is, And gallantry and bottom too from Scroggins, Martin, Spring; For sparring now is all the rage in town, and country places too, And collar-bones and claret-mugs are often seen at races too; While counter-hits, and give and take, as long as strength can hold her seat, Afford the best amusement in a bit of pugilistic treat:

 Oh! 'tis a sight, &c. 

While this song was singing, universal silence prevailed, but an uproarof approbation followed, which lasted for some minutes, with a generalcall of encore, which however soon subsided, and the company was againrestored to their former state of conversation; each party appearingdistinct, indulged in such observations and remarks as were mostsuitable or agreeable to themselves. 

Bob was highly pleased with this description of a milling match; and asthe Singer was sitting near the person who had excited a considerableportion of his attention at intervals in watching his tricks, in some ofwhich great ingenuity was displayed, he asked his Cousin if he knew him. 

"Know him, " replied Tom, "to be sure I do; that is no other than Bitton, a well-known pugilist, who frequently exhibits at the Fives-Court; he isa Jew, and employs his time in giving lessons. "

"Zounds!" said Mortimer, "he seems to have studied the art ofLegerdemain as well as the science of Milling. "

"He is an old customer here, " said a little Gentleman at the oppositeside of the table, drawing from his pocket a box of segars{1}--"Now, Sir, " continued he, "if you wish for a treat, " addressing himself toTallyho, "allow me to select you one--there, Sir, is asgar like anosegay--I had it from a friend of mine who only arrived yesterday--youdon't often meet with such, I assure you. "

Bob accepted the offer, and was in the act of lighting it, when Bittonapproached toward their end of the room with some cards in his hand, from which Bob began to anticipate he would shew some tricks upon them. 

As soon as he came near the table, he had his eye upon the Hon. TomDashall, to whom he introduced 'himself by the presentation of a card, which announced his benefit for the next week at the Fives-Court, whenall the prime lads of the ring had promised to exhibit. 

"Egad!" said Dashall, "it will be an excellent opportunity--what, willyou take a trip that way and see the mighty men of fist?"

"With all my heart, " said Tallyho. 

"And mine too, " exclaimed Mortimer. 

It was therefore quickly determined, and each of the party beingsupplied with a ticket, Bitton canvassed the room for other customers, after which he again retired to his seat. 

"Come, " said a smartly dressed Gentleman in a white hat, "we have hearda song from the other end of the room, I hope we shall be able to musterone here. "

 1 This gentleman, whose dress and appearance indicate something of the Dandy, is a resident in Mark Lane, and usually spends his evening at the Round Table, where he appears to pride himself upon producing the finest segars that can be procured, and generally affords some of his friends an opportunity of proving them deserving the recommendations with which he never fails to present them. 

This proposition was received with applause, and, upon Tom's giving ahint, Frank Harry was called upon--the glasses were filled, a toast wasgiven, and the bowl was dispatched for a replenish; he then sungthe following Song, accompanied with voice, manner, and action, wellcalculated to rivet attention and obtain applause:

 PIGGISH PROPENSITIES, THE BUMPKIN IN TOWN. 

 "A Bumpkin to London one morning in Spring, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, Took a fat pig to market, his leg in a string, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; The clown drove him forward, while piggy, good lack! Lik'd his old home so well, he still tried to run back--

(Spoken)--Coome, coome (said the Bumpkin to himself, ) Lunnun is thegrand mart for every thing; there they have their Auction Marts, theirCoffee Marts, and their Linen Marts: and as they are fond of a tid-bitof country pork, I see no reason why they should not have" a Pork andBacon Mart--so get on (pig grunts, ) I am glad to hear you have a voiceon the subject, though it seems not quite in tune with my

 Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la. 

 It chanc'd on the road they'd a dreadful disaster, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; The grunter ran back 'twixt the legs of his master, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; The Bumpkin he came to the ground in a crack, And the pig, getting loose, he ran all the way back!

(Spoken)--Hallo, (said the clown, scrambling up again, and scratchinghis broken head, ) to be sure I have heard of sleight-of-hand, hocus-pocus and sich like; but by gum this here be a new manouvrecalled sleight of legs; however as no boanes be broken between us, I'llendeavour to make use on 'em once more in following the game in view: sohere goes, with a

 Hey derry, ho derry, &c. 

 He set off again with his pig in a rope, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, Reach'd London, and now for good sale 'gan to hope Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; But the pig, being beat 'till his bones were quite sore. Turning restive, rush'd in at a brandy-shop door. 

(Spoken)--The genteeler and politer part of the world might feel alittle inclined to call this piggish behaviour; but certainly after along and fatiguing journey, nothing can be more refreshing than a _drapof the cratur_; and deeming this the regular mart for the good stuff, inhe bolts, leaving his master to sing as long as he pleased--Hey derry, he deny, &c. 

 Here three snuffy Tabbies he put to the rout, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai lft, With three drams to the quartern, that moment serv'd out, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; The pig gave a grunt, and the clown gave a roar, When the whole of the party lay flat on the floor!

(Spoken)--Yes, there they lay all of a lump; and a precious group therewas of them: The old women, well prun'd with snuff and twopenny, andbang-up with gin and bitters--the fair ones squalled; the clown growledlike a bear with a broken head; the landlord, seeing all that could beseen as they roll'd over each other, stared, like a stuck pig! whilethis grand chorus of soft and sweet voices from the swinish multitudewas accompanied by the pig with his usual grunt, and a

 Hey derry, ho derry, &o. 

 The pig soon arose, and the door open flew, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la, When this scrambling group was expos'd to my view, Hey deny, ho derry, fal de ral la; He set off again, without waiting for Jack, And not liking London, ran all the way back!

(Spoken)--The devil take the pig! (said the Bumpkin) he is more troublethan enough. "The devil take you (said Miss Sukey Snuffle) for you arethe greatest hog of the two; I dare say, if the truth was known, you arebrothers. "--"I declare I never was so exposed in all my life (said MissDelia Doldrum. ) There's my beautiful bloom petticoat, that never wasrumpled before in all my life--I'm quite shock'd!"--"Never mind, (saidthe landlord) nobody cares about it; tho' I confess it was a shockingaffair. "--'I wish he and his pigs were in the horse-pond (continued she, endeavouring to hide her blushes with her hand)--Oh my--oh my!'--"What?"(said Boniface)--'Oh, my elbow! (squall'd out Miss Emilia Mumble) I amsure I shall never get over it. '--"Oh yes you will (continued he) riseagain, cheer your spirits with another drop of old Tom, and you'll soonbe able to sing

 Hey derry, ho derry, &c. 

 By mutual consent the old women all swore, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la, That the clown was a brute, and his pig was a boar, Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la; He paid for their liquor, but grumbled, good lack, Without money or pig to gang all the way back. 

(Spoken)--By gum (said he to himself, as he turn'd from the door) if theLunneners likes country pork, country pork doant seem to like they; andif this be the success I'm to expect in this mighty great town in searchof the Grand Mart, I'll come no more, for I thinks as how its all aflax; therefore I'll make myself contented to set at home in my ownchimney corner in the country, and sing

 Hey derry, ho derry, &c. 

This song had attracted the attention of almost every one in the room;there was a spirit and vivacity in the singer, combined with a power ofabruptly changing his voice, to give effect to the different passages, and a knowledge of music as well as of character, which gave it anirresistible charm; and the company, who had assembled round him, at theclose signified their approbation by a universal shout of applause. 

All went on well--songs, toasts and sentiments--punch, puns andwitticisms, were handed about in abundance; in the mean time, theroom began to wear an appearance of thinness, many of the boxes werecompletely deserted, and the Knights of the Bound Table were nolonger surrounded by their Esquires--still the joys of the bowl wereexhilarating, and the conversation agreeable, though at times a littlemore in a strain of vociferation than had been manifested at theentrance of our party. It was no time to ask questions as to the namesand occupations of the persons by whom he was surrounded; and Bob, plainly perceiving Frank Harry was getting into Queer Street, veryprudently declined all interrogatories for the present, making, however, a determination within himself to know more of the house and thecompany. 

Mortimer also discovered symptoms of lush-logic, for though he had aninclination to keep up the chaff, his dictionary appeared to be newmodelled, and his lingo abridged by repeated clips at his mother tongue, by which he afforded considerable food for laughter. 

Perceiving this, Tallyho thought it prudent to give his Cousin a hint, which was immediately taken, and the party broke up. ~292~~

CHAPTER XIX

 "O there are swilling wights in London town Term'd jolly dogs--choice spirits--alias swine, Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down, Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine. 

 These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus outrun, Dosing with head-aches till the afternoon, Lose half men's regular estate of Sun, By borrowing too largely of the Moon:

 And being Bacchi plenus--full of wine-- Although they have a tolerable notion Of aiming at progressive motion, Tis not direct, 'tis rather serpentine. "

UPON leaving the house, it was quickly discovered that Mortimer was atsea without a rudder or compass, but was still enabled to preserve thetrue line of beauty, which is said to be in a flowing curve; Merry wellwas magnanimous, Frank Harry moppy, and all of them rather muggy. Harrywas going Eastward, and the remainder of the party Westward; it washalf-past one in the morning--the weather had cleared up as their brainshad been getting foggy. 

Tom proposed a rattler. 

Frank Harry swore by the Bacchanalian divinity they might ride inthe rumble-tumble if they liked, but none of it for him, and began tostammer out

 How sweet in--the--wood-lands Wi--ith ii--eet hound--and horn-- To awaken--shrill--[hiccup)--echo, And taste the--(hiccup)--fresh morn. 

During this time, having turned to the right on leaving the Woolpack, instead of the left, they were pursuing their way down GracechurchStreet, in a line with London Bridge, without discovering their mistake;nor were ~293~~ they aware of the situation they were in till theyreached the Monument. 

"Zounds!" said Tom, "we are all wrong here. "

"All right, " said Merrywell--"all right, my boys--go it, my kidwhys. "

Bob hearing his Cousin's exclamation, began to make enquiries. 

"Never mind, " said Tom, "we shall get housed presently--I have it--Iknow the shop--it is but seldom I get out of the way, so come along--Idare say we shall see some more fun yet. "

Saying this, he led the way down Thames street and in a short timeintroduced them to the celebrated house in Dark-House Lane, kept openat all hours of the night for the accommodation of persons coming tomarket, and going off by the Gravesend boats and packets early in themorning. 

On entering this house of nocturnal convenience, a wide field forobservation was immediately opened to the mind of Dashall: he was nonovice to the varieties of character generally to be found within itswalls; and he anticipated an opportunity of imparting considerableinformation to his Cousin, though somewhat clogg'd by his companions;being known however at the bar, he found no difficulty in providing themwith beds: which being accomplished, "Now, " said Tom, "for a new scene in Real Life. Here we are situated atBillingsgate, on the banks of the Thames; in another hour it will be allalive--we will refresh ourselves with coffee, and then look around us;but while it is preparing, we will take a survey of the interior--buttonup--tie a silk handkerchief round your neck, and we may perhaps escapesuspicion of being mere lookers on; by which means we shall be enabledto mingle with the customers in the tap-room, and no doubt you will seesome rum ones. "

They now entered the tap or general room, which exhibited an appearancebeyond the powers of description. 

In one corner lay a Sailor fast asleep, having taken so much ballast onboard as to prevent the possibility of any longer attending to the log, but with due precaution resting his head on a bundle which he intendedto take on board his ship with him in the morning, and apparentlywell guarded by a female on each side; in another was a weather-beatenFisherman in a Guernsey frock and a thick ~294~~ woollen night-cap, who, having just arrived with a cargo of fish, was toiling away time tillthe commencement of the market with a pipe and a pint, by whose side wasseated a large Newfoundland dog, whose gravity of countenance formed anexcellent contrast with that of a man who was entertaining the Fishermanwith a history of his adventures through the day, and who in return wasallowed to participate in the repeatedly filled pint--a Waterman inhis coat and badge ready for a customer--and two women, each having ashallow basket for the purpose of supplying themselves with fish at thefirst market for the next day's sale. 

'Going to Gravesend, Gentlemen?' enquired the Waterman, as Tom and Bobtook their seats near him. 

"No, " was the reply. 

"Beg pardon, Sir; thought as how you was going down, and mought want aboat, that's all; hope no offence. "

"I vas down at the Frying Pan in Brick Lane yesterday, (said thecommunicative adventurer;) Snivelling Bill and Carrotty Poll was therein rum order--you know Carrotty? Poll? so Poll, (Good health to you) youknows how gallows lushy she gets--veil, as I vas saying, she had had agood day vith her fish, and bang she comes back to Bill--you knows she'srather nutty upon Bill, and according to my thinking they manages thingspretty veil together, only you see as how she is too many for him: so, vhen she comes back, b------tme if Bill vasn't a playing at skittles, and hadn't sold a dab all day; howsomdever he was a vinning the lush, so you know Bill didn't care--but, my eyes! how she did blow him up vhenshe com'd in and see'd him just a going to bowl and tip, she tipp'd hima vollopper right across the snout vhat made the skittles dance again, and bang goes the bowl at her sconce instead of the skittles: it vaslucky for her it did not hit her, for if it had, I'll be d------d ifever she'd a cried Buy my live flounders any more--he vas at play vithSam Stripe the tailor; so the flea-catcher he jumps in between 'em, and being a piece-botcher, he thought he could be peace-maker, butit voudn't do, tho' he jump'd about like a parch'd pea in afrying-pan--Poll called him Stitch louse, bid him pick up his needlesand be off--Bill vanted to get at Poll, Poll vanted to get at Bill--andbetween them the poor Tailor got more stripes upon his jacket thanthere is colours in a harlequin's breeches at Bartlemy Fair--Here'sgood health to you--it was a ~295~~ bodkin to a but of brandy poor Snipdidn't skip out of this here vorld into that 'are?"

"And how did they settle it?" enquired the Fisherman. 

'I'll tell you all about it: I never see'd such a b------dy lark in allmy life; poor Sam is at all times as thin as a thread-paper, and beingbut the ninth part of a man, he stood no chance between a man anda voman--Bill vas bleeding at the konk like a half-killed hog, andCarrotty Moll, full of fire and fury, vas defending herself vith herfish-basket--Billy vas a snivelling, Poll a stoearing, and the poorTailor in a funk--thinks I to myself, this here vont never do--so upI goes to Poll--Poll, says I------' To the devil I pitch you, ' saysshe--only you know I knows Poll veil enough--she tried to sneak itover me, but she found as how I know'd better--Poll, says I, hold yourluff--give us no more patter about this here rum rig--I'll give costprice for the fish, and you shall have the money; and while I wasbargaining with her, d------n me if Bill and the Tailor vasn't a millingavay in good style, till Stripe's wife comes in, gives Snivelling Billya cross-buttock and bolted off vith her fancy, like as the song says, The devil took the tailor

 "Vith the broad cloth under his arm. "

I never laugh'd so in all my life; I thought I should------'

At this moment a nod from the Landlord informed Tom his coffee wasready, when they were ushered into the parlour. 

Bob, who had during the conversation in the other room, (which hadoccasionally been interrupted by the snores of the sleepy Sailor, thegiggling of the Girls who appeared to have him in charge, and a growlfrom the dog, ) been particularly attentive to the narration of thisadventure, remarked that there was a peculiarity of dialect introduced, which, to a person coming out of the country, would have been whollyunintelligible. 

"Yes, " replied Tom, "almost every trade and every calling of which thenumerous inhabitants of this overgrown town is composed, has a languageof its own, differing as widely from each other as those of provincials. Nor is this less observable in high life, where every one seems at timesto aim at rendering himself conspicuous for some extraordinary mode ofexpression. But come, I ~296~~ perceive the morning is shedding itsrays upon us, and we shall be able to take a survey of the more generalvisitors to this place of extensive utility and resort--already you mayhear the rumbling of carts in Thames Street, and the shrill voice of theFishwives, who are preparing for a day's work, which they will nearlyfinish before two-thirds of the population leave their pillows. Thismarket, which is principally supplied by fishing smacks and boats comingfrom the sea up the river Thames, and partly by land carriage from everydistance within the limits of England, and part of Wales, is open everymorning at day-light, and supplies the retailers for some miles roundthe Metropolis. The regular shop-keepers come here in carts, to purchaseof what is called the Fish Salesman, who stands as it were between theFisherman who brings his cargo to market and the Retailer; but there areinnumerable hawkers of fish through the streets, who come and purchasefor themselves at first hand, particularly of mackarel, herrings, sprats, lobsters, shrimps, flounders, soles, &c. And also of codand salmon when in season, and at a moderate rate, composing anheterogeneous group of persons and characters, not easily to be met withelsewhere. " "Then, " said Bob, "there is a certainty of high andexalted entertainment;--I should suppose the supply of fish is veryconsiderable. "

"The quantity of fish consumed, " replied Tom, "in London iscomparatively small, fish being excessively dear in general: and thisis perhaps the most culpable defect in the supply of the capital, considering that the rivers of Great Britain and the seas round hercoast teem with that food. --There are on an average about 2500 cargoesof fish, of 40 tons each, brought to Billingsgate, and about 20, 000 tonsby land carriage, making a total of about 120, 000 tons; and the streetvenders form a sample of low life in all its situations. 

 "--------In such indexes, although small To their subsequent volumes, there is seen The baby figure of the giant mass Of things to come at large. "

And the language you have already heard forms a part of what may betermed Cockneyism. "

"Cockneyism, " said Bob, with an inquisitiveness in his countenance. 

~297~~ "Yes, " continued Tom, "Cockney is universally known to be thecontemptuous appellation given to an uneducated native of London, brought into life within the sound of Bow bell--pert and conceited, yet truly ignorant, they generally discover themselves by their mode ofspeech, notwithstanding they have frequent opportunities of hearing thebest language; the cause, I apprehend, is a carelessness of every thingbut the accumulation of money, which is considered so important withthem--that they seem at all times to be in eager pursuit of it. 

 "O Plutus, god of gold! thine aid impart, Teach me to catch the money-catching art; Or, sly Mercurius! pilfering god of old, Thy lesser mysteries at least unfold. "

You will hear these gentry frequently deliver themselves in somethinglike the following manner:

"My eyes, Jim, vat slippy valking 'tis this here morning--I should avefell'd right down if so be as how I adn't cotch'd ould of a postis--veredoes you thinks I ave been? vy all the vay to Vapping Vail, an a top oTower Hill--I seed a voman pillar'd--such scrouging and squeeging, andpeltin vith heggs--ow funny!

"A female Fruit-seller will say to a Lady Oyster-dealer--Law, my dearMrs. Melton, how ar you this cowld morning, Mem. ?--the streets vil benice and dirty--vel, for my part, I always likes dry vether--do yourusband vork at Foxall still?--I likes to warm my cowld nose vith apinch of your snuff--ow wery obliging--But come, I hear the bustle ofBillingsgate, and you shall have a peep at the people. By this time theyare all alive. "

Bob laughed at his Cousin's specimens of cockney language, and theysallied forth, to make further observations. 

It was now a fine morning, the Sun shone with resplendent lustre uponall around them, and danced in playful dimples on the sportive Thames;there was however but little opportunity at the moment for them tocontemplate subjects of this sort, their eyes and ears being whollyattracted by the passing and repassing of the persons desirous to sellor supply themselves with fish; Thames Street was almost blocked up withcarts, and the hallooing and bawling of the different drivers, loadingor unloading, formed an occasional symphony to the ~298~~ continual humof those who were moving in all directions to and from the market. 

"By yer leaf" said a sturdy built fellow, sweating under a load of fishwhich appeared to press him almost down--"what the devil do you stand inthe way for?"

Bob, in stepping on one side to make room for this man to pass, unfortunately trod upon the toe of an Hibernian lady, who was bearingaway a large basket of shrimps alive, and at the same time gave her armso forcible a jerk with his elbow, as disengaged her hand from the load;by which means the whole cargo was overturned smack into the bosom of asmartly dressed youth in white ducks, who was conducting some Ladieson board one of the Gravesend boats. The confusion that followed isscarcely to be conceived--the agitation of Talt who at hearing thevociferated lamentations of the Irish woman--the spluttering of thedisconcerted Dandy--the declaration of the owner of the shrimps, "thatso help her God he should pay for her property"--the loud laughter ofthose around them, who appeared to enjoy the embarrassment of the wholeparty--and the shrimps hopping and jumping about amid the dirt and slushof the pavement, while the Ladies were hunting those which had falleninto the bosom of their conductor--formed a scene altogether, which, in spite of the confusion of his Cousin, almost convulsed the Hon. TomDashall with laughter, and which served but to increase the rancour ofthe owner of the shrimps, and the poor toe-suffering Irishwoman, theexecrations of the Dandy Gentleman and his Ladies, and the miseries ofpoor Bob; to escape from which, he gave the Hibernian and her employerenough to purchase plaster for the one, and a fresh cargo for the other, and seizing Tom by the arm, dragged him away from the scene of hismisfortunes in fishery. 

[Illustration: page298 Real Life at Billingsgate]

Their progress however was presently impeded by a sudden scream, whichappeared to come from a female, and . Drew together almost all the peopleon the spot, it seemed as if it had been a preconcerted signal for ageneral muster, and it was quickly ascertained that fisty-cuffs were theorder of the day, by the vociferations of the spectators, and the loudacclamations of "Go it, Poll--pitch it into her--mill her snitcher--veildone, Sail--all pluck--game to the back-bone--peppermint herupper-story, and grapple her knowledge-box--D------n my eyes, but thatvas a good one, it ~299~~ has altered her weather-cock and shifted herwind--There's your dairies--stand out of the way--Upon my sole you haveoverturned all my flounders--D------n you and your dabbs too. "

Tom and Bob took up a favourable position for observation at the cornerof a fish-stall, where they could quietly witness the combatants, andtake a general survey of the proceedings. 

"Now, " said Tom, "here is a lark for you, a female fight. "

"Fine salmon, or cod, Gentlemen, " said an elderly woman--"I wish I couldtempt you to be customers. "

"Well, " said Bob, "they are at it in good earnest. "

"O yes, " said the woman, "we always have it in real earnest, no sham--Iwish Poll may sarve her out, for Sall is a d------d saucy b------h atall times. "

"And what have they quarrelled about?" inquired Dashall. 

"Jealousy, Sir, nothing else; that there man in the night-cap, with thered ruff round his neck, is Sail's fancy man, and he sometimes letsher have a cargo of fish for services done and performed, youunderstand--and so Sail she comes down this morning, and she finds Pollhaving a phililoo with him, that's all; but I wish they would go andhave it out somewhere else, for it spoils all business--Nance, go andget us a quartern of Jacky, that I may ax these Gentlemen to drink, forits a cold morning, and perhaps they are not used to be up so early. "

Tom saw the drift of this in a moment, and taking the hint, supplied theneedful to Nance, who was dispatched for the heart-cheering beverage, which they could perceive was in high reputation by those around them. The effluvia of the fish, the fumes of tobacco, and the revivingscent of the gin-bottle, rendered their olfactory salutations trulydelightful. Nor could they escape the Fish-wife without becomingparticipators in the half pint of blue ruin. 

"Come, " said Tom, "we will now stroll a little further, and take asurvey of the street; but first we will give a look here. 

"This, " said he, "is the Custom House, a splendid building recentlyerected, in consequence of the old one being demolished by fire in1814. " ~300~~ "It is, indeed, " replied Bob, admiring the south front, which is executed in Portland stone. 

"Do you observe, " continued Tom, "the central compartment, whichcomprises what is called the Long Room, and which we will visitpresently, is quite plain, except the attic, which is elegantlyornamented?--that alto-relievo contains allegorical representations ofthe arts and sciences, as connected with and promoting the commerceand industry of the nation--that to the west, a representation ofthe costume and character of the various nations with whom we holdintercourse in our commercial relations--in the centre, under the largemassive dial-plate, are inscribed in large bronze letters the names ofthe founders and the date of its erection--the figures which supportthe dial in a recumbent position are emblematical of industry andplenty--that bold projection in the centre, gives a suitable characterto the King's warehouse, and forms an appropriate support to theimperial arms upheld by the attributes of Ocean and Commerce. "

Bob gazed with admiration and delight on this truly admirable andextensive pile of national architecture; the gentle breeze from theriver, the occasional dash of the oar, and the activity which appearedon board the different vessels; together with the view of London Bridgeon one side, over which he could perceive pedestrians and vehiclesof various kinds passing and repassing, and the Tower on the other, conspired to heighten and give a most imposing effect to the scene. 

"The designs, " said Tallyho, "are truly creditable to the taste andscience of the architect. "

"And this Quay in front, is intended to be enlarged by filling up a partof the river; besides which, a new wall and quay are to be formed fromthe Tower to Billingsgate, and numerous other improvements are projectedin the contiguous streets and lanes. " "Not before it is necessary, " wasthe reply. "It would be impossible, " continued Dashall, "to visit allthe apartments this building contains; we will however have a lookat the Long Room, and as we proceed I will endeavour to give you somefurther information. We are now entering the East wing, which is acounterpart of that on the West, having like this a grand stair-casewith a double flight of steps, which conduct to a lobby at each endof the long room, lighted by ~301~~ these vertical lantern-lights, theceilings being perforated in square compartments, and glazed. Theselobbies serve to check the great draughts of air which would otherwiseflow through the room if it opened directly from the stair-case. "

They now entered the Long Room, the imposing appearance of which had itsdue effect upon Tallyho. 

"Bless me!" cried he in a state of ecstasy, "this is a room to boast ofindeed. "

"Yes, " replied his Cousin, "there is not such another room in Europe; itis 190 feet long by 66 wide, and proportionably high, divided intothree compartments by these eight massive pillars, from which, as youperceive, spring the three domes, which are so richly ornamented, andventilated through the centre of each. "

"And all of stone?" inquired Bob. 

"Not exactly so, " was the reply; "the floor (excepting the situationof the officers and clerks) is of stone, but the walls and ceilings aredrawn out and tinted in imitation. "

"And what are these antique pedestals for, merely ornaments?"

Tom was pleased at this inquiry, and with a smile of satisfactionreplied--"No, these pedestals do double duty, and are something likewhat the rural poet, Goldsmith, describes in his _Deserted Village_--

 "The chest contriv'd a double debt to pay, A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day. "

These are ornamental during the summer, but useful in the winter; theycontain fire-places completely hid from view. "

"Fire-places, " re-echoed Bob. 

"Yes, " continued his Cousin; "the smoke, descending, passes through thepiers on each side, and by their means a sufficient warmth is at alltimes kept up in the room. "

"That is a capital contrivance, " said Tallyho. 

"Then, to prevent the possibility of sustaining any serious injury fromfire, on the ground, one and two pair stories, the communication is cutoff by means of iron doors, which run on wheels in chase in the centreof the walls, and are moved backward and forward by a windlass;which doors are closed every evening, and would effectually preventa communication beyond their boundaries. Fire-proof rooms also, asrepositories for valuable books ~302~~ and papers, are provided on eachfloor, where the important documents of the establishment are depositedevery evening, and removed in trunks to the respective offices. Thereare in all 121 rooms devoted to various offices. This however is theprincipal: here the general business is transacted, particularly for allforeign concerns, both inwards and outwards. The Ship Master first makesthe report of the cargo here; the entries of which, either for paymentof duties, warehousing, or subsequent exportation, are all passed withthe respective officers in this room. The business of the customs ismanaged by nine Commissioners, whose jurisdiction extends over allparts of England. We will now pass out at the west wing, adjourn to yonTavern, refresh and refit, and after which a further walk. "

"With all my heart, " said Tallyho. 

"What ho, Master B------, " said Dashall, saluting the Landlord as heentered the Tavern--"How does the world wag with you?--send us some sodawater--the newspaper--let somebody clean our boots--give us pen, ink andpaper, and prepare us some breakfast with all speed, but no fish, mindthat. "

The Landlord bowed assent to his honourable customer; and by the timethey were ready, their orders were complied with. 

"Pray, " inquired Dashall of the obliging Landlord, who came in to ask ifthey were supplied with all they wished for, "did you ever recover anything from that dashing Blade that so obligingly ordered his dinnerhere?"

"Never got a halfpenny--no no, he was not one of those sort ofgentry--nor do I ever wish to see such again in my house. "

This was uttered in a tone of discontent, which evidently shewed he hadno relish for the conversation. 

Dashall could not refrain from laughter; upon perceiving which, theLandlord withdrew with a loud slam of the door, and left his customersto enjoy their mirth. 

"What are you laughing at?" cried Bob. 

"Why, " continued his Cousin, "There was, as fame reports, in days of yore, At least some fifty years ago, or more, A pleasant wight on town----"

~303~~ And there are many pleasant fellows now to be met with; but youshall have the tale as I had it: This house has been celebrated forfurnishing excellent dinners, and the cookery of fish in particular;consequently it has been the resort of the Bucks, the Bloods, and thedashing Swells of the town, and I myself have been well entertainedhere. It will therefore not be wondered at that its accommodationsshould attract the notice of a Sharper whose name and character werewell known, but who was in person a total stranger to the unsuspectingLandlord, whom however he did not fail to visit. 

Calling one afternoon for the purpose of seeing how the land lay, inhigh twig, and fashionably dressed, he was supplied with a bottle ofsherry, and requested the landlord to take a part with him--praised thewine, talked of the celebrity of his house for fish, and gave an orderfor a dinner for sixteen friends during the following week. The bait wasswallowed, "For a little flattery is sometimes well. "

'But are your wines of the first quality? (inquired the visitor;) forgood eating, you know, deserves good drinking, and without that we shallbe like fishes out of water. '--' Oh, Sir, no man in London can supplyyou better than myself (was the reply;) but, if you please, you shallselect which you may like best, my stock is extensive and good. ' He wasconsequently invited into the cellar, and tasted from several binns, particularly marking what he chose to conceive the best. Upon returningto the parlour again--' Bless me, (cried he) I have had my pocket pick'dthis morning, and lost my handkerchief--can you oblige me with the loanof one for present use? and I will send it back by one of my servants. '

'Certainly, Sir, ' was the reply; and the best pocket-handkerchief wasquickly produced, with another bottle of wine, the flavour of which hehad approved while below. He then wrote a letter, which he said must bedispatched immediately by a Ticket-porter to Albemarle Street, wherehe must wait for an answer. This being done, lie desired a coach to becalled--asked the Landlord if he had any silver he could accommodate himwith, as he had occasion to go a little further, but would soon return. This being complied with, by the Landlord giving him twenty shillingswith the expectation of receiving a ~304~~ pound note in return, he threw himself into the coach, wished his accommodating Host goodafternoon, promised to return in less than an hour, but has never shewnhis face here since. Poor B------don't like to hear the circumstancementioned. "

"Zounds!" said Tallyho, "somebody was green upon the occasion; I thoughtpeople in London were more guarded, and not so easily to be done. Andwho did he prove to be after all?"

"No other than the well-known Major Semple, whose depredations of thissort upon the public rendered him so notorious. "

Having finished their repast, Tom was for a move; and they took theirway along Thames Street in the direction for Tower Hill. 

CHAPTER XX

 "This life is all chequer'd with pleasures and woes That chase one another like waves of the deep, Each billow, as brightly or darkly it flows, Reflecting our eyes as they sparkle or weep; So closely our whims on our miseries tread, That the laugh is awak'd ere the tear can be dried; And as fast as the rain-drop of pity is shed, The goose-plumage of folly can turn it aside; But, pledge me the cup! if existence can cloy With hearts ever light and heads ever wise, Be ours the light grief that is sister to joy, And the short brilliant folly that flashes and dies. "

"THE building before us, " said Tom, "is the Tower of London, which wasformerly a palace inhabited by the various Sovereigns of this countrytill the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Fitzstephens says, it was originallybuilt by Julius Cæsar; but I believe there is no proof of the truthof this assertion, except that one of the towers is to this day calledCæsar's Tower. "

"It seems a place of great security, " said Bob. 

"Yes--William the Conqueror erected a fortress on part of its presentsite, to overawe the inhabitants of London on his gaining possessionof the City, and about twelve years afterwards, in 1078, he erected alarger building than the first, either on the site of the former or nearit. This building, repaired or rebuilt by succeeding Princes, is thatwhich is now called the White Tower. "

"It appears altogether to be a very extensive building, " said Tallyho;"and what have we here? (turning his eyes to the left)--the modern styleof those form a curious contrast to that we are now viewing. "

"That is called Trinity Square, and the beautiful edifice in thecentre is the Trinity House; it is a new building, of stone, havingthe advantage of rising ground for its site, and of a fine area in thefront. " ~306~~ "The Trinity House, " reiterated Bob, "some ecclesiasticalestablishment, I presume, from its title?"

"There you are wrong, " continued Dashall; "it is a Corporation, whichwas founded in the year 1515 by Henry VIII. And consists of a Master, four Wardens, eighteen Elder Brothers, in whom is vested the directionof the Company, and an indefinite number of younger Brothers; forany sea-faring man may be admitted into the Society by that name, butwithout any part of the controul of its concerns. The elder Brethren areusually selected from the most experienced commanders in the navy andthe merchants' service, with a few principal persons of his Majesty'sGovernment. "

"But what, in the name of wonder, " inquired Bob, "have Sailors to dowith the Trinity?"

"As much as other persons, " was the reply; "if it is the anchor of hope, as we are taught, they have as great a right to rely upon it as anybody else--besides, the names given to houses and places in London havenothing to do with their occupations or situations, any more thanthe common language of life has to do with nature; else why have we aWaterloo House in the vicinity of St. Giles's for the sale of threads, laces, and tapes--a Fleet for the confinement of prisoners, or theKing's Bench devoted to the same purposes, unless it is, "That when we have no chairs at home, The King (God bless him) grants us then a bench. "

Though London contains a round of delights and conveniences scarcely tobe equalled, it is at the same time a combination of incongruities asdifficult to be conceived. The denomination of this House has thereforenothing to do with the business to which it is devoted. The body whichtransacts its concerns is called The Master, Wardens and Assistants, ofthe Guild, or Fraternity of the most glorious and undivided Trinity, and of St. Clement, in the parish of Deptford, Stroud, in the county ofKent. "

"An admirable illustration of your assertion, " replied Bob; "andpray may I be allowed, without appearing romantic or unnecessarilyinquisitive, to ask what are the objects of the Institution?"

"Certainly. The use of this Corporation is to superintend the generalinterests of the British shipping, military and commercial. To this end, the powers of the ~307~~ Corporation are very extensive; the principalof which are, to examine the children educated in mathematics inChrist's Hospital--examine the masters of the King's ships--appointpilots for the Thames--erect light-houses and sea-marks--grant licensesto poor seamen, not free of the City, to row on the Thames--andsuperintend the deepening and cleansing of the river; they have powerto receive donations for charitable purposes, and annually relieve greatnumbers of poor seamen and seamen's widows and orphans; and as theyalone supply outward-bound ships with ballast, on notice of any shoal orobstruction arising in the river Thames, they immediately direct theirmen and lighters to work on it till it is removed. The profits arisingto the Corporation by this useful regulation is very considerable. "

During this conversation they had continued to walk towards the TrinityHouse, and were now close to it. 

"Come, " continued Dashall, "the interior is worth seeing: there are somefine paintings in it, and the fitting up is altogether of an elegantdescription. "

Upon making application at the door, and the customary payment of ashilling each, they were admitted. The appearance of the Hall, which isgrand, though light and elegant, particularly attracted the attentionof Tallyho. The double stair-case, which leads to the court-room, was anobject of peculiar delight. The beautiful model of the Royal William inthe Secretary's Office was much admired; but the Court-room wasabundant in gratification. Here they were ushered into a spaciousapartment, *particularly elegant, being unincumbered; the ceilingfinished in a superior style, and decorated with paintings of the lateKing and Queen--James the Second--Lord Sandwich--Lord Howe, and Mr. Pitt. Here Bob wandered from portrait to portrait, examining thefeatures and character of each, and admiring the skill and ability ofthe artists. At the upper end of the room he was additionally pleasedto find a large painting containing a group of about twenty-four ofthe elder Brethren, representing them at full length, attended by theirSecretary, the late Mr. Court. Many of the persons being well rememberedby Dashall, were pointed out by him to his Cousin, and brought to hisrecollection names deservedly celebrated, though now no more. Thispicture was the gift of the Merchant Brethren in 1794. 

Tallyho was much delighted with his survey of this truly elegantbuilding, and the luminous account given by ~308~~ his Cousin ofthe various persons whose portraits met his eye, or whose names andcharacters, connected with the establishment, had become celebrated forscientific research or indefatigable industry. 

"It will occupy too much time this morning, " said Dashall, "to visitthe interior of the Tower, as I have dispatched a Ticket-porter toPiccadilly, ordering my curricle to be at Tom's Coffee-house at one; wewill therefore defer that pleasure to the next opportunity of being thisway. We will however take a look at the Bank and the Exchange, then atrundle into the fresh air for an hour, and return home to dinner; socome along, but we will vary our walk by taking another road back. "

With this intention, they now crossed Tower Hill, and turned to theleft, along the Minories. 

"Here is a place, " said Dashall, "well known, and no doubt you haveoften heard of--Sparrow Corner and Rosemary Lane are better known bythe appellation of Rag Fair. It is a general mart for the sale ofsecond-hand clothes, and many a well-looking man in London is indebtedto his occasional rambles in this quarter for his appearance. Thebusiness of this place is conducted with great regularity, and thedealers and collectors of old clothes meet at a certain hour of theafternoon to make sales and exchanges, so that it is managed almost uponthe same plan as the Royal Exchange, only that the dealers here comeloaded with their goods, which must undergo inspection before sales canbe effected: while the Merchant carries with him merely a sample, ordirects his Purchaser to the warehouse where his cargo is deposited. Theprincipal inhabitants of this place are Jews, and they obtain suppliesfrom the numerous itinerant collectors from all quarters of London andits suburbs, whom you must have observed parading the streets from theearliest hour of the morning, crying _Ould clothes--Clothes sale_. "

"It surely can hardly be a trade worth following, " said Talltho. 

"There are many hundreds daily wandering the streets, however, " repliedTom, "in pursuit of cast-off apparel, rags, and metals of differentsorts, or at least pretend so. The Jews are altogether a set of traders. I do not mean to confine my observations to them only, because thereare persons of other sects employed in the same kind of business; andperhaps a more dangerous set of cheats could ~309~~ scarcely be pointedat, as their chief business really is to prowl about the houses andstables of people of rank and fortune, in order to hold out temptationsto their servants, to pilfer and steal small articles not likely to bemissed, which these fellows are willing to purchase at about one-thirdof their real value. It is supposed that upwards of 15, 000 of thesedepraved itinerants among the Jews are daily employed in journeys ofthis kind; by which means, through the medium of base money and otherfraudulent dealings, many of them acquire property with which they openshops, and then become receivers of stolen property; the losses thussustained by the public being almost incalculable--

 "For wid coot gould rings of copper gilt--'tis so he gets his bread, Wit his sealing-vax of brick-dust, and his pencils without lead. "

It is estimated that there are from fifteen to twenty thousand Jews inthe Metropolis, and about five or six thousand more stationed in thegreat provincial and seaport towns. In London they have six Synagogues, and in the country places there are at least twenty more. Most of thelower classes of those distinguished by name of German or Dutch Jews, live principally by their wits, and establish a system of mischievousintercourse all over the country, the better to enable them to carryon then-fraudulent designs in every way. The pliability of theirconsciences is truly wonderful--

 "For they never stick at trifles, if there's monies in the way. "

Nay, I remember the time when they used to perambulate our streetsopenly, professing to purchase base coin, by bawling--"Any bad shilling, any bad shilling. " The interference of the Police however has preventedthe calling, though perhaps it is impossible to prevent a continuanceof the practice any more than they can that of utterance. These menhesitate not to purchase stolen property, or metals of various kinds, aswell as other articles pilfered from the Dock-yards, and stolen inthe provincial towns, which are brought to the Metropolis to eludedetection, and vice versa; in some cases there are contrivances thatthe buyer and seller shall not even see each other, in order that noadvantage may be taken by giving information as to the parties. " ~310~~"Upon my life, the contrivances of London are almost incomprehensible, "said Bob, "and might deter many from venturing into it; but thissurprises me beyond any thing. "

"It is however too lamentably true, " continued Tom; "for these people, educated in idleness from the earliest infancy, acquire every debauchedand vicious principle which can fit them for the most complicated artsof fraud and deception, to which they seldom fail to add the crime ofperjury, whenever it can be useful to shield themselves or their friendsfrom the punishment of the law. Totally without moral education, andvery seldom trained to any trade or occupation by which they can earn anhonest livelihood by manual labour--their youths excluded from becomingapprentices, and their females from engaging themselves generallyas servants, on account of the superstitious adherence to the mereceremonial of their persuasion, as it respects meat not killed byJews--nothing can exceed their melancholy condition, both as it regardsthemselves and society. Thus excluded from the resources which otherclasses of the community possess, they seem to have no alternativebut to resort to those tricks and devices which ingenuity suggests, to enable persons without an honest means of subsistence to live inidleness. 

"The richer Jews are in the practice of lending small sums to the poorerclasses of their community, in order that they may support themselves bya species of petty traffic; but even this system contributes in nosmall degree to the commission of crimes, since, in order to renderit productive to an extent equal to the wants of families who do notacquire any material aid by manual labour, they are induced to resort tounlawful means of increasing it, by which they become public nuisances. From the orange-boy and the retailer of seals, razors, glass and otherwares, in the public streets, or the collector of

 "Old rags, old jags, old bonnets, old bags, "

to the shop-keeper, dealer in wearing apparel, or in silver and gold, the same principles of conduct too generally prevail. 

"The itinerants utter base money, to enable them by selling cheap, todispose of their goods; while those who are stationary, with very fewexceptions, receive and purchase at an under price whatever is broughtthem, ~311~~ without asking questions; and yet most of their concernsare managed with so much art, that we seldom hear of a Jew being hanged;and it is also a fact, that during the holidays (of which they have manyin the course of a year, ) or at one of their weddings, you may seethe barrow-woman of yesterday decked out in gay and gaudy attire of anexpensive nature. "

By this time they had reached the top of the minories, and were turningdown Houndsditch. "We are now, " said Dashall, "close to another placechiefly inhabited by Jews, called Duke's Place, where they have a veryelegant Synagogue, which has been visited by Royalty, the present Kinghaving, during his Regency, honoured them with a visit, through theintroduction of the late Mr. Goldsmid. If it should be a holiday, wewill be present at the religious ceremonies of the morning. " With thisthey entered Duke's Place, and were soon within the walls of this Templeof Judaism. In taking a view of it, Bob was much gratified with itssplendid decorations, and without being acquainted with their forms, had_doffd his castor_, {1} but was presently informed by his Cousin that hemust keep his hat on. The readers appeared to him to be singers; but thewhole of the service being Hebrew, it was of little consequence to him, whether read or sung. He perceived, during the performances of theseprayers, which were every now and then joined in by almost everyone present, that many of the congregation appeared to be in closeconversation, which, however, was taken no notice of by the personsofficiating. He was well pleased with the singing of a youth and theaccompaniment of a gentleman in a cock'd hat; for although he could notdiscover that he actually produced words, he produced sounds in manyinstances bearing a strong similarity to those of a bassoon. Thevenerable appearance and devotion of the High Priest, who was habited ina robe of white, also attracted his attention; while the frequent burstsof the congregation, joining in the exercises of the morning, in someinstances almost provoked his risibility. 

"The religious ceremonies of these people, " said Tom, as they left thesynagogue, "though somewhat imposing as to form and appearance, do notseem to be strongly interesting, for many of them are engaged during thewhole of the service in some species of traffic; buying and

 1 Doff'd his castor--Taken off his hat. 

~312~~ selling, or estimating the value of goods for sale. They are suchdetermined merchants and dealers, that they cannot forget business evenin the house of prayer. We have two sets of them. This is the DutchSynagogue; but the most ancient is that of the Portuguese, having beenestablished in England ever since the Usurpation. The members of itbeing mostly wealthy, are extremely attentive to their poor, among whomthere is said not to be a single beggar or itinerant; while the Dutch orGerman. Jews get no education at all: even the most affluent of them aresaid to be generally unable either to read or write the language of thecountry that gave them birth. They confine themselves to a bastard orvulgar Hebrew, which has little analogy to the original. They observethe particular ritual of the German Synagogue, and also include thePolish, Russian, and Turkish Jews established in London. With theexception of a few wealthy individuals, and as many families who are intrade on the Royal Exchange, they are in general a very indigent classof people. Their community being too poor to afford them adequaterelief, they have resorted to the expedient of lending them small sumsof money at interest, to trade upon, which is required to be repaidmonthly or weekly, as the case may be, otherwise they forfeit all claimto this aid. 

"The Portuguese Jews are generally opulent and respectable, and holdno community with the others. They use a different liturgy, and theirlanguage is even different. They never intermarry with the Jews of theDutch Synagogue. They pride themselves on their ancestry, and give theirchildren the best education which can be obtained where they reside. TheBrokers upon the Exchange, of the Jewish persuasion, are all or chieflyof the Portuguese Synagogue. Their number is limited to twelve by Act ofParliament, and they pay 1000 guineas each for this privilege. "

They had now reached the end of Houndsditch, when, passing throughBishopsgate Church Yard and Broad Street, they were soon at the Bank. 

"This building, " said Dashall, "covers an extent of several acres ofground, and is completely isolated. "

"Its exterior, " replied Bob, "is not unsuited to the nature ofthe establishment, as it certainly conveys an idea of strength andsecurity. "

~315~~ "That's true, " continued Tom; "but you may observe a want ofuniformity of design and proportion, arising from its having beenerected piece-meal, at different periods, and according to differentplans, by several architects. This is the principal entrance; andopposite to it is the shortest street in the Metropolis, called BankStreet; it contains but one house. Now we will take a survey of theinterior. "

They entered the Hall, where Tallyho was much pleased to be instructedas to the methodical way they have of examining notes for a re-issuingor exchanging into coin. 

"Here, " said Dashall, "are the Drawing-offices for public and privateaccounts. This room is seventy-nine feet long by forty; and, at thefurther end, you observe a very fine piece of sculpture: that is amarble Statue of King William III. The founder of the Bank. Thi nationalestablishment was first incorporated by act of Parliament in 1694. Theprojector of the scheme was a Mr. James Paterson, a native ofScotland; and the direction of its concerns is vested in a Governor, Deputy-Governor, and twenty-four Directors, elected annually at ageneral Court of the Proprietors. Thirteen of the Directors, with theGovernor, form a Court for the transaction of business. The Bank is openevery day from nine in the morning till five in the afternoon, holidaysexcepted. It is like a little town. The Clerks at present are about1000 in number, but a reduction is intended. The Rotunda is the mostinteresting apartment--we will go and have a look at the Money-dealers. 

"Here, " continued he, as they entered the Rotunda, and mingled amongthe various persons and sounds that are so well known in that seatof traffic, "from the hours of eleven to three a crowd of eagerMoney-dealers assemble, and avidity of gain displays itself inever-varying shapes, at times truly ludicrous to the disinterestedobserver. You will presently perceive that the justling and crowdingof the Jobbers to catch a bargain, frequently exceed in disorder thescrambling at the doors of our theatres for an early admission: and saloud and clamorous at times are the mingled noises of the buyers andsellers, that all distinction of sound is lost in a general uproar. "

Of this description, Tallyho had an absolute proof in ~314~~ a fewminutes, for the mingling variety of voices appeared to leave nospace in time for distinguishing either the sense or the sound of theindividual speakers; though it was evident that, notwithstanding thecontinual hubbub, there was a perfect understanding effectedbetween parties for the sale and transfer of Stock, according to thestipulations bargained for. 

"Ha, Mr. M------, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "how do you do?"

"Happy to say well, Sir, thank you, " was the reply. "Anycommands?--markets are pretty brisk this morning, and we are all alive. "

"Pray, " said Tallyho, "who is that extraordinary looking Lady with suchred lips and cheeks, beneath the garb of sadness?"

"A constant visitor here, " replied Mr. M. "I may say a day scarcelypasses without her being present. "

"She has a curious appearance, " said Bob; "her dress is all blackfrom head to foot, and yet her cheeks disclose the ruddy glow ofuninterrupted health. Is it that her looks belie her garb, or that hergarb belies her looks?"

"Hush, " said Mr. M. "let her pass, and I will give you some informationrelative to her, which, if it does not gratify you, will at leastsatisfy some of your inquiries. I am half inclined to believe that allis not right in the seat of government with her, (pointing his finger tohis head;) and she is therefore rather deserving of pity than an objectof censure or ridicule; though I have reason to believe she frequentlymeets with attacks of the latter, when in search of the sympathy andbenefit to be derived from a proper exercise of the former. Her name isMiss W------. Her father was formerly a two-penny postman, who residedat Rockingham Row, Walworth, and was himself somewhat eccentric in hisdress and manners, and it was not at all unusual to meet him inthe morning in the garb of his office, though decidedly against hisinclination, and to see him on 'Change during 'Change hours, in silkstockings, and in every other way dressed as a Merchant, attendingthere according to custom and practice; and he managed, by some meansor other, to keep up a character of respectability, and to give anaccomplished education to the younger branches of this family; so thatthis lady, though unfortunate in her present circumstances, has beenwell brought up, and ~315~~ mingled in polished society; and, ifyou were to enter into conversation with her now, you would findher intelligent in the selection of her words and the combination ofsentences, to explain to you the most improbable events, and the mostunheard of claims that she has upon all the Governments in the knownworld. This, however, would be done with good temper, unless any thinglike an insulting observation should be conceived, or intended to beconveyed. "

"And, pray, what is supposed to be the cause of her present manners andappearance?" inquired Bob. 

"It is principally attributed, " replied Mr M. "to the circumstance oflosing a beloved brother, who she now continually declares is only keptfrom her by the persons who daily visit the Rotunda, with a viewto prevent the recovery of the property she lays claim to, and theparticulars of which she generally carries in her pocket. That brotherhowever suffered the penalty of the law for a forgery;{1} but this shecannot be induced to believe. 

 1 The lamentable effusion of blood which has taken place within the last twenty years, in consequence of forgeries on the Bank of England, has already excited a very considerable portion of public interest and indignation; and it is much to be feared that notwithstanding the very serious expence the Corporation have incurred, with a view to remedy the evil, by rendering the imitation more difficult, the anticipated result is not likely to be obtained. It will hardly be conceived that the Governors have expended as much as one hundred thousand pounds in this laudable undertaking, and, upon producing an impression, we are told it can be imitated by one, who, within three weeks produced a fac- simile, and puzzled the makers of the original note to discover which was the work-manship of their own hands. Nay, even an engraver on wood is said to have produced an excellent imitation in a few hours. It is however sincerely to be hoped that an effectual stop will be eventually put to the possibility of committing this crime, which, we apprehend, nine times out of ten brings the poor, needy, half-starved retailer of paper to the gallows, while the more un-principled wholesale dealer escapes detection. 

 While on the subject of forged notes, we cannot help deprecating the circulation of what are termed _flash notes_, which, if not originally intended to deceive and defraud, are calculated to accomplish these objects, when in the hands of the artful and designing. We think there is a tradesman in the vicinity of the Bank who presents such of his customers as visits his repository to have their hair cut, &c. With a Hash note, purporting to be for 501. ; and we have also reason to believe that more than one attempt has been detected, where the parties have really endeavoured to pass them as valid Bank of England paper. The danger therefore must be evident. 

~316~~ We have reason to think she is frequently much straitened forwant of the necessary supplies for sustenance, and she has temporaryrelief occasionally from those who knew her family and her formercircumstances in life, while she boldly perseveres in the pursuit offancied property, and the restoration of her brother. 

"I have heard her make heavy complaints of the difficulties she has hadto encounter, and the privations she has been subjected to; but her ownlanguage will best speak the impressions on her mind. Here is a printedletter which was circulated by her some time ago:--

To the worthy Inhabitants of the Parish of St. Mary, Newington, Surrey. 

It is with feelings of deep regret I have to deplore the necessity thatcompels me to adopt a public measure, for the purpose of obtaining myproperty from those gentlemen that hold it in trust. For a period of tenyears I have endured the most cruel and unjustifiable persecution, whichhas occasioned the premature death of my mother; a considerable loss ofproperty; all my personal effects of apparel and valuables; has exposedme to the most wanton and barbarous attacks, the greatest insults, andthe severe and continual deprivation of every common necessary. Havingmade every appeal for my right, or even a maintenance, without effect, I now take the liberty of adopting the advice of some opulent friends inthe parish, and solicit general favour in a loan by subscription for agiven time, not doubting the liberal commiseration of many ladiesand gentlemen, towards so great a sufferer. As it is not possible todescribe the wrongs I have endured, the misery that has been heaped uponme, in so limited a space, I shall be happy to give every explanationupon calling for the result of this entreaty and to those ladies andgentlemen that condescend to favour

S. WHITEHEAD

With their presence, at

The White Hart Inn, Borough. 

Besides Bills to an immense amount, accepted by the Dey of Algiers, andpayable by his Grand Plenipotentiary. 

Various sums in the English and Irish Funds, in the names of variousTrustees: in the 3 per cent. Consols--3 per cent. 1726--3 per cent. South Sea Annuities--3 per cent. Old South Sea Annuities--4 per cent. 3per cent. 5 per cent. Long Annuities. 

Besides various Freehold, Copyhold, and Leasehold Estates, Reversionsand Annuities, of incalculable value. 

One of the Freehold Estates is that known by the name of Ireland's Row, and the Brewhouse adjacent, Mile End; the Muswell Hill Estate; a largeHouse in Russell Square, tenanted at present by Mr. B-----dd!!!

"For the truth of this statement, or the real existence of any propertybelonging to her, I am not able to vouch. She is well known in allthe offices of this great Establishment, is generally peaceable inher conduct, and communicative in her conversation, which at timesdistinguishes her as a person of good education. "

"Hard is the fortune which your Sex attends, Women, like princes, findfew real friends; All who approach them their own ends pursue, Loversand ministers are seldom true. Hence oft from reason heedless beautystrays, And the most trusted guide the most betrays. "

The conversation was here interrupted by the arrival of a Gentleman, who, taking Mr. M. On one side, Tom and Bob wished him a good morning. They proceeded to ~318~~ view the various offices which branch outfrom the Rotunda, and which are appropriated to the management of eachparticular stock, in each of which Bob could not help admiring the happydisposition of every department to facilitate business. The arrangementof the books, and the clerks, under the several letters of the alphabet, he conceived was truly excellent. 

"The Corporation of the Bank, " said Dashall, "are prohibited fromtrading in any sort of goods or merchandize whatsoever; but are toconfine the use of their capital to discounting Bills of Exchange, andto the buying and selling of gold and silver bullion; with a permissionhowever to sell such goods as are mortgaged or pawned to them and notredeemed within three months after the expiration of the time for theirredemption. Their profits arise from their traffic in bullion; thediscounting of Bills of Exchange for Bankers, Merchants, Factors, andSpeculators; and the remuneration they receive from Government, formanaging the public funds, and for receiving the subscriptions on loansand lotteries. But we may ramble about in these places for a month, andstill have novelty in store; and there is a little world underneath thegreater part of this extensive building devoted to printing-offices, ware-rooms, &c. "

They had now reached the door which leads into Bartholomew Lane, and, upon descending the steps, and turning to the left, Bob's eyes soondiscovered the Auction Mart, "What have we here?" inquired he. 

"That, " replied his Cousin, "is a building which may deservedly berank'd as one of the ornaments of the City; and its arrangements andeconomy, as well as the beauty of its interior, are well deserving thenotice of every stranger. This fine establishment, which serves as afocus for the sale of estates and other property by public auction, isboth useful and ornamental; it was built about the time when the spiritof combination was so strong in London. You must know, some years back, every kind of business and trade appeared likely to be carried on byJoint Stock Companies, and the profits divided upon small shares. ManyFire-offices have to date their origin from this source--the Hope, theEagle, the Atlas, and others. The Golden Lane Brewery was openedupon this principle; some Water Companies were established; tillneighbourhood ~319~~ and partnership almost became synonimous; and, Ibelieve, among many other institutions of that kind, the Building beforeus is one. It contains many handsome rooms and commodious offices; but, as for offices, every street and every alley abounds with them, and, now-a-days, if you want to hire a Cook or a Scullion, you have nothingto do but to send a letter to a Register-office, and you are suited ina twinkling. It was an excellent idea, and I remember the old Buck whoused to call himself the founder of establishments of that nature, orrather the first introducer of them to the notice of Englishmen, poorold Courtois. "

John Courtois is said to have been a native of Picardy, where he wasborn about the year 1737 or 1738. He repaired to this country while yetyoung, in the character of _valet de chambre_ to a gentleman who hadpicked him up in his travels; and, as he came from one of the poorestof the French provinces, he "took root, " and throve wonderfully on histransplantation to a richer soil. 

On the death of his master, he removed to the neighbourhood of theStrand; and St. Martin's Street, . Leicester Square, became the scene ofhis industry and success. At a time when wigs were worn by boys, and aFrenchman was supposed the only person capable of making one fit "forthe grande monarque, " he commenced business as a perruquier, andsoon acquired both wealth and celebrity. To this he joined anotheremployment, which proved equally lucrative and appropriate, as itsubjected both masters and servants to his influence. This was thekeeping of a register-office, one of the first known in the Metropolis, whence he drew incalculable advantages. He is also said to have been adealer in hair, which he imported largely from the continent. And yet, ,after all, it is difficult to conceive how he could have realized afortune exceeding 200, 000L. ! But what may not be achieved by a man whodespised no gains, however small, and in his own expressive language, considered farthings as "the seeds of guineas!"

The following appears to be a true description of this veryextraordinary man, whom we ourselves have seen more than once:--"OldCourtois was well known for more than half a century in the purlieus ofSt. Martin's and the Haymarket. His appearance was meagre and squalid, and his clothes, such as they were, were ~320~~ pertinaciously got up inexactly the same cut and fashion, and the colour always either fawn ormarone. For the last thirty years, the venerable chapeau was uniformlyof the same cock. The principal feat, however, in which this ferventvotary of Plutus appeared before the public, was his nearly fatal affairwith Mary Benson, otherwise Mrs. Maria Theresa Phepoe. In April 1795, this ill-fated-woman projected a rather bungling scheme, in orderto frighten her old acquaintance and visitor, Courtois, out of aconsiderable sum of money. One evening, when she was certain of hiscalling, she had her apartment prepared for his reception in a speciesof funereal style--a bier, a black velvet pall, black wax candleslighted, &c. No sooner had the friend entered the room, than the lady, assisted by her maid, pounced on him, forced him into an arm chair, in which he was forcibly held down by the woman, while the hostess, brandishing a case-knife or razor, swore with some violent imprecations, that instant should be his last, if he did not give her an order on his"banker for a large sum of money. The venerable visitor, alarmed at thegloomy preparations and dire threats of the desperate female, asked forpen, ink, and paper; which being immediately produced, he wrote a checkon his banker for two thousand pounds. He immediately retired withprecipitation, happy to escape without personal injury. The nextmorning, before its opening, he attended at the Banker's, with somePolice-officers; and on Mrs. Phepoe's making her appearance with thecheck, she was arrested, and subsequently tried at the Old Bailey, on acapital charge, grounded on the above proceedings. However, throughthe able defence made by her counsel (the late Mr. Fielding) who took alegal objection to the case as proved, and contended that she neverhad or obtained any property of Mr. Courtois, on the principle thatpossession constituted the first badge of ownership, she was onlysentenced to twelve months' imprisonment. "

"Some years since, the late Lord Gage met Courtois, at the court-room ofthe East India House, on an election business. "Ah, Courtois!" said hisLordship, "what brings you here?"--'To give my votes, my Lord, ' was theanswer. --"What! are you a proprietor?--'Most certainly. '--"And of morevotes than one?"--'Yes, my ~321~~ Lord, I have four!'--"Aye, indeed! whythen, before you take the book, pray be kind enough to pin up my curls!"With which modest request the proprietor of four votes, equal to tenthousand pounds, immediately complied!

"M. Courtois married a few years since, and has left several children. On reflecting that his widow's thirds would amount to an immense sum, with his usual prudence he made a handsome settlement on her duringhis lifetime. As his sons were not of very economical habits, he hasbequeathed them small annuities only; and vested the bulk of his fortunein trustees on behalf of his daughters, who are infants. 

"Until his death, he invariably adhered to the costume of the age inwhich he was born. A three-cocked hat, and a plum-coloured coat, both rather the worse for wear, in which we have seen him frequently, invariably designated his person and habits; while a penurious economy, that bid defiance to all vulgar imitation, accompanied him to his grave. His death occurred in 1819, in the 80th or 81st year of his age. "

"Such characters, " observed Tallyho, "notwithstanding theireccentricity, afford useful lessons to those who, in this giddy anddissipated age, devote a part of their time to thinking. "

"No doubt of it, " replied Dashall; "they furnish examples of what maybe done by perseverance and determination, and almost seem to verify theassertion, that every one may become rich if he pleases. But come, wemust move towards Tom's Coffee House, in our way to which we willpass through the Royal Exchange, which lies directly before us. It wasoriginally a brick building, erected by Sir Thomas Gresham in the year1567, but being destroyed by the fire of London in 1666, the presentbuilding of Portland stone was raised in its place, the first stoneof which was laid by Charles II. In 1667; in consequence of which hisstatue has been placed in the centre of its quadrangle, around which theMerchants assemble daily to transact their commercial business. {1}

 1 The merry Monarch was fond of the Citizens, and frequently honoured the Lord Mayor's table with his presence. It is said of him, that, on retiring to his carriage one day after dining with the civic Sovereign, he was followed by the latter, who, with a freedom inspired by the roseate Deity, laid hold of His Majesty by the arm, and insisted that he should not go until he had drunk t'other bottle. The Monarch turned round, and good-humouredly repeating a line from an old song--"The man that is drunk is as great as a king, " went back to the company, and doubtless complied with the Lord Mayor's request. 

~322~~ "It has two principal fronts, one in Cornhill, and the other, which you now see, is at the end of Threadneedle Street; each of whichhas a piazza, affording a convenient shelter from the sun and rain. It is open as a thoroughfare from eight in the morning till six in theevening; but the hours in which business is chiefly transacted, are fromtwo to five. Its extent is 203 feet by 171. "

By this time they had passed the gate, and Bob found himself in ahandsome area with a fine piazza carried entirely round, and furnishedwith seats along the four walks, for Merchants of different nations, whomeet, each at their different stations, and was immediately attractedby the appearance of the numerous specimens of art with which it wasadorned. 

"Do you observe, " said his Cousin, "within these piazzas aretwenty-eight niches; all vacant but that in which is placed a statue ofSir Thomas Gresham, in the north-west angle; and that in the south-west, which presents a statue of Sir John Barnard, Magistrate of the City, andone of its Representatives in Parliament. Those smaller statues in theniches of the wall of the Quadrangle, in the upper story, are the Kingsand Queens of England, beginning with Edward I. On the North side, andending with his late Majesty on the East. As far as Charles I. They wereexecuted by Gabriel Cibber. The various frames which are placed aroundunder the piazza, contain the names, residences and occupations ofTradesmen, Mechanics and others. The grand front in Cornhill hasbeen under repair lately, and in its appearance, no doubt, is greatlyimproved. The steeple which is just raised, is a handsome dome, surmounted by the original grasshopper, rendered somewhat celebrated bya prophecy, that certain alterations would take place in men, manners, and times, when the grasshopper on the top of the Exchange should meetthe dragon at the top of Bow Church; and strange and extraordinary as itmay appear, this very circumstance is said to have taken place, asthey have both been seen in the warehouse of some manufacturer, towhom ~323~~ they were consigned for repair; in addition to which, ifCrockery's{1} relation of the transmogrifications of England is tobe believed, the prophecy is in a considerable degree a whimsical andlaughable Burletta, in one act, has recently been produced at the RoyalCoburg Theatre, in which Mr. Sloman sings, with admirable comicality, the following Song, alluded to by the Hon. Tom Dashall, to the tune ofO, The Roast Beef of Old England. 

 "From Hingy I came with my Master, O dear, But Lunnun is not like the same place, that's clear; It has nigh broke my heart since I have been here! O, the old times of Old England, O dear, the good English old times. 

 The town is so changed, that I don't know a spot; The times are so hard, there's no vork to be got; And for porter they charges you tip-pence a pot! O, the old times, &c. 

 Then the sides of the houses are stuck full of bills About Blacking, Mock-Auctions, and vonderful Fills; But for von vot they cures, a hundred they kills! O, the old times, &c. 

 There's the names are all halter'd verewer I goes, And the people all laughs at the cut of my close; The men are turn'd vomen, the belles are turn'd beaux! O, the old times, &c. 

 Ven I vent out to Hingy, if any von died, A good vooden coffin they used to prowide, But hiron vons now keeps the poor vorms houtside! O, the old times, &c. 

 There's the Lancaster schools now all over the land, Vot teaches the children to scribble on sand-- And a hugly Bonassus vot lives in the Strand! O, the new times, &c. 

 There's a new Life-preserver, vith vich you cant drown; And a new kind of Sov'reigns just com'd into town, Von is vorth a pound note, and the other a crown! O, the new times, &c. 

 The Play-bills have hard vords, vot I cannot speak; And the horgans plays nothing but Latin and Greek; And it's rain'd every day now for more than a veek! O, the new times, &c. 

 There's a man valks on vater and don't vet his feet; And a patent steam-kitchen, vot cooks all your meat; And Epp's ham and beef shop in every street! O, the new times, &c. 

 I valks up and down vith the tears in my hye; Vot they vonce call'd a vaggon is now call'd a fly; And the boys points their fingers, and calls I--a"Guy! O, the old times of Old England, O dear, the good English old times. "

~324~~There is a stair-case in each front, and one on each side, whichlead to a gallery above, running round the whole building, containingthe offices of various establishments; but I believe, in the originalplan, shops were intended to fill the building to the top. At present, the upper rooms are occupied by Lloyd's celebrated SubscriptionCoffee-house, for the use of Under-writers and Merchants--by the RoyalExchange Insurance Company, and various offices of individuals. Thereare also the Gresham Lecture--Rooms, where lectures are read pursuant tothe will of the late Sir Thomas Gresham, who bequeathed to the City ofLondon and the Mercers' Company, all the profits arising from these andother premises in Cornhill, in trust to pay salaries to four lecturersin divinity, astronomy, music, and geometry; and three readers in civillaw, physic, and rhetoric, who read lectures daily in term time. 

"This we may consider the grand mart of the universe! where congregatethose sons of Commerce the British Merchants, who, in dauntless extentof enterprise, hold such distinguished pre-eminence!"

Tallyho viewed the scene before him with an inquisitive eye, and wasevidently wrapped in surprise at the "busy hum of men, " all actuatedby one universal object, the acquisition of wealth. The spacious areaexhibited a mass of mercantile speculators, numerously grouped, inconversation; under the piazzas appeared a moving multitude in likemanner engaged, while the surrounding seats were in similar occupation;Dashall and Bob, of the many hundreds of individuals present, wereperhaps the only two led to the place by curiosity alone. 

Tallyho, who, on every occasion of "doubtful dilemma, " looked to hiscousin Dashall for extrication, expressed his surprise at the appearanceof a squalid figure, whose lank form, patched habiliments, and unshornbeard, indicated ~325~~extreme penury; in familiar converse with agentleman fashionably attired, and of demeanour to infer unquestionablerespectability. 

"Interest, " said Tallyho, "supersedes every other consideration, elsethese two opposites would not meet. "

"Your observation is just, " replied his cousin; "the tatterdemallion towhom you allude, is probably less impoverished than penurious; perhapsof miserly habits, and in other respects disqualified for politesociety. What then, he is doubtless in ample possession of the essentialrequisite; and here a monied man only is a good man, and without moneyno man can be respectable. "{1}

Here the continued and deafening noise of a hand-bell, rung by oneof the Exchange-keepers underlings, perched on the balcony over thesouthern gate, interrupted Mr. Dashall's remarks; it was the signal forlocking up the gates, and inferring at the same time obedience to thesummons with due promptitude and submission, on pain of being detainedtwo hours "in duresse vile. "

Sufficient alacrity of egression not having been shown, the Keepersclosed the two gates, and at the same time locked the east and westernavenues; thus interdicting from egress above three hundred contumaciousindividuals, including the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin. 

A considerable time having now elapsed without any prospect ofenlargement, dissatisfaction gained ground apace, and shortly ripenedinto actual mutiny. The disaffected now proceeded to hold a council ofwar, and after a few moments deliberation, it was resolved unanimouslyto storm the avenues! Dashall and

1 Some years ago, a gentleman of extensive property, residing in thecountry, was desirous of raising, by way of loan on the security oflanded estates, the sum of 30, 000L. His Solicitor in London, with whomhe had corresponded on the subject, summoned him at last to town; alender was found, who was to meet the Solicitor at a certain time andplace appointed, in the neighbourhood of the Exchange. The borrower, on the day and near the hour fixed upon, was in the area of the RoyalExchange, when there crossed over a wretched looking being, the verypersonification of misery. The gentleman, unsolicited, gave the poorobject a shilling. On going to the appointed rendezvous, how great washis astonishment to find in the person of the wealthy monied man theidentical receiver of his bounty!--"Ha, ha, " cried he, "you shall notfare the worse for your generosity!" and actually advanced the moneyon terms much easier than expected. This personage was the celebratedDaniel Dancer. 

~326~~ Tallyho declined taking any part in the enterprise; they took aright view of the affair; they were mere casual visitants, not likelyever again to suffer a similar restraint, while the others were in thedaily practice of transacting business on the spot: to them thereforethe frequent recurrence of the present disaster might happen--theirsthen was the cause, as being most particularly interested. 

An attack was made by the prisoners upon the portals opening into BankBuildings and Sweeting's Kents; but the former having been shatteredsometime since on a similar occasion, and subsequently very stronglyrepaired, it was found impregnable, at least to any immediate exertionof force, and being neither furnished with a park of artillery, nor withthe battering ram of the ancients, the little army faced to the rightabout, enfiladed the area, and took up a new position, in due order ofassault, against the door of the avenue leading into Sweeting's Rents. The affair was decided, and without bloodshed; the bars soon bent beforethe vigour of the assailants; one of these was taken into custody by aBeadle, but rescued, and the attack recommenced with success; when theopposite door was also opened by the Shop-keeper living in that avenue, and the Exchange was finally cleared at four minutes past five o'clock, after above an hour's detention, including the time occupied in stormingthe avenues. 

The triumph of liberty was now complete; the intrepid phalanx disbandeditself; and our Heroes having made the farewell conge to theirvictorious compeers, proceeded into Cornhill, where, Dashall espyinghis curricle at the door of Tom's Coffee House, they, after refreshingthemselves, took a cheerful country drive over London Bridge, ClaphamCommon, Wandsworth, &c. From which they returned at six o'clock todinner, determined to have a night's rest before they proceeded insearch of further adventures. ~327~~

CHAPTER XXI

 "Happy the man, who void of cares and strife, In silken or in leathern purse retains A SPLENDID shilling! he nor hears with pain New oysters cried, nor sighs for cheerful ale;

 But I, whom griping penury surrounds, And hunger, sure attendant upon want, With scanty offal and small acid tiff, Wretched repast, my meagre corse sustain! Or solitary walk, or dose at home In garret vile!"

TALKING over, at the breakfast-table, the occurrences of the precedingday--"On my conscience!" exclaimed Tallyho, "were the antediluvianage restored, and we daily perambulated the streets of this immenseMetropolis during a hundred years to come, I firmly believe that everyhour would bring a fresh accession of incident. "

"Ad infinitum, " answered Dashall; "where happiness is the goal inview, and fifteen hundred thousand competitors start for the prize, themanouvres of all in pursuit of the grand ultimatum must ever exhibit aninteresting and boundless variety. London, ". . . The needy villain's general home, The common sewer of Paris and of Rome!"

where ingenious vice too frequently triumphs over talented worth--wherefolly riots in the glare of luxury, and merit pines in indigentobscurity. --Allons donc!--another ramble, and chance may probablyillustrate my observation. "

"Take notice, " said the discriminating Dashall to his friend, as theyreached the Mall in St. James's Park, "of that solitary knight of thewoeful countenance; his thread-bare raiment and dejected aspect, denotedisappointment and privation;--ten imperial sovereigns to a plebeian~328~~ shilling, he is either a retired veteran or a distressed poet. "

The object of curiosity, who had now seated himself, appeared to haveattained the age of fifty, or more--a bat that had once beenblack--a scant-skirted blue coat, much the worse for wear--a stripedwaistcoat--his lank legs and thighs wrapt in a pair of somethingresembling trowsers, but "a world too wide for his shrunk shanks"--shortgaiters--shoes in the last stage of consumption--whiskers of fulldimensions--his head encumbered with an unadjusted redundancy-of greyhair: such were the habiliments and figure of this son of adversity!

The two friends now seated themselves on the same bench with thestranger, who, absorbed in reflection, observed not their approach. 

The silence of the triumvirate was broken in upon by Tom, who, with hisusual suavity of manners, politely addressed himself to the unknown, on the common topic of weather, _et cetera_, without eliciting in replymore than an assenting or dissenting monosyllable, "You have seen someservice, Sir?"

"Yes. "

"In the army, I presume?"

"No. "

"Under Government?"

"Yes. "

"In the navy, probably?"

"No. "

"I beg your pardon, " continued Dashall--"my motives originate not inidle inquisitiveness; if I can be of any service------"

The stranger turned towards him an eye of inquiry. "I ask not fromimpertinent curiosity, " resumed Dashall, "neither would I wishindelicately to obtrude an offer of assistance, perhaps equallyunnecessary as unacceptable; yet there are certain mutabilities of lifewherein sympathy may be allowed to participate. "

"Sir, " said the other, with an immediate grateful expansion of mind, andfreedom of communication--"I am inexpressibly indebted for the honourof your solicitude, and feel no hesitation in acknowledging that I ama literary writer; but so seldom employed, and, when employed, soinadequately requited, that to me the necessaries of life are frequentlyinaccessible. "

~329~~ Here Tallyho interrupted the narrator by asking--whence itwas that he had adopted a profession so irksome, precarious, andunproductive?

"Necessity, " was the reply. "During a period of eight years, I performedthe duties as senior Clerk of an office under Government; four yearsago the establishment was broken up, without any provision made for itssubordinate dependents; and thus I became one of the twenty thousanddistressed beings in London, who rise from bed in the morning, unknowingwhere to repose at night, and are indebted to chance for a lodging or adinner!"{1} 1 The following calculation, which is curious in all its parts, cannot fail to interest the reader:--

 The aggregate Population on the surface of the known habitable Globe is estimated at 1000, 000, 000 souls. If therefore we reckon with the Ancients, that a generation lasts 30 years, then in that space 1000, 000, 000 human beings will be born and die; consequently, 91, 314 must be dropping into eternity every day, 3800 every hour, or about 63 every minute, and more than one every second. Of these 1000, 000, 000 souls, 656, 000, 000 are supposed to be Pagans, 160, 000, 000 Mahomedans, 9, 000, 000 Jews, only 175, 000, 000 are called Christians, and of these only 50, 000, 000 are Protestants. 

 There are in London 502 places of Worship--one Cathedral, one Abbey, 114 Churches, 132 Chapels and Chapels of Ease, 220 Meet-ings and Chapels for Dissenters, 43 Chapels for Foreigners, and 6 Synagogues for Jews. About 4050 public and private Schools, including Inns of Courts, Colleges, &c. About 8 Societies for Morals; 10 Societies for Learning and Arts; 112 Asylums for Sick and Lame; 13 Dispensaries, and 704 Friendly Societies. Charity distributed £800, 000 per annum. 

 There are about 2500 persons committed for trial in one year: The annual depredations amount to about £2, 100, 000. There are 19 Prisons, and 5204 Alehouses within the bills of Mortality. The amount of Coin counterfeited is £200, 000 per annum. Forgeries on the Bank of England in the year £150, 000. About 3000 Receivers of Stolen Goods. About 10, 000 Servants at all times out of place. Above 20, 000 miserable individuals rise every morning without knowing how or by what means they are to be supported during the passing day, or where, in many instances, they are to lodge on the succeeding night. 

 London consumes annually 112, 000 bullocks; 800, 000 sheep and lambs; 212, 000 calves; 210, 000 hogs; 60, 000 sucking pigs; 7, 000, 000 gallons of milk, the produce of 9000 cows; 10, 000 acres of ground cultivated for vegetables; 4000 acres for fruit; 75, 000 quarters of wheat; 700, 000 chaldrons of coals; 1, 200, 500 barrels of ale and porter; 12, 146, 782 gallons of spirituous liquors and compounds; 35, 500 tons of wine; 17, 000, 000 pounds of butter, 22, 100, 000 pounds of cheese; 14, 500 boat loads of cod. 

~330~~ "May I ask, " said Mr. Dashall, "from what species of literarycomposition you chiefly derive your subsistence?"

"From puffing--writing rhyming advertisements for certain speculativeand successful candidates for public favour, in various avocations;for instance, eulogizing the resplendent brilliancy of Jet or JapanBlacking--the wonderful effects of Tyrian-Dye and Macassar Oil inproducing a luxuriant growth and changing the colour of the hair, transforming the thinly scattered and hoary fragments of age to theredundant and auburn tresses of youth--shewing forth that the "RidingMaster to his late Majesty upwards of thirty years, and Professor of theRoyal Menage of Hanover, sets competition at defiance, and that all whodare presume to rival the late Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover, are vile unskilful pretenders, ci-devant stable-boys, and totallyundeserving the notice of an enlightened and discerning public! In fact, Sir, I am reduced to this occasional humiliating employment, derogatorycertainly to the dignity of literature, as averting the approach offamine. I write, for various adventurers, poetical panegyric, andillustrate each subject by incontrovertible facts, with appropriateincident and interesting anecdote. "

"And these facts, " observed Bob Tallyho, "respectably authenticated?"

"By no means, " answered the Poet; "nor is it necessary, nobody takes thetrouble of inquiry, and all is left to the discretion of the writer andthe fertility of his invention. "

"On the same theme, does not there exist, " asked Dashall, "a difficultyin giving it the appearance of variety?"

"Certainly; and that difficulty would seem quite insurmountable whenI assure you, that I have written for a certain Blacking Manufacturerabove two hundred different productions on the subject of hisunparalleled Jet, each containing fresh incident, and very probablyfresh incident must yet be found for two hundred productions more! Butthe misfortune is, that every thing is left to my invention, and theremuneration is of a very trifling nature for such mental labour:besides, it has frequently happened that the toil has provedunavailing--the production is rejected--the anticipated half-crownremains in the accumulating coffers of the Blacking-manufacturer, andthe Author returns, pennyless and despondingly, to his attic, where, iffortune at last befriends him, he probably may breakfast dine andsup, tria juncta in uno, at a late hour in the evening!" ~331~~ "And, "exclaimed the feeling Dashall, "this is real Life in London!"

"With me actually so, " answered the Poet. 

The Blacking-maker's Laureat now offered to the perusal of hissympathising friends the following specimen of his ability in this modeof composition:--

 PUG IN ARMOUR; OR, THE GARRISON ALARMED. 

 "Whoe'er on the rock of Gibraltar has been, A frequent assemblage of monkeys has seen Assailing each stranger with volleys of stones, As if pre-determin'd to fracture his bones!

 A Monkey one day took his turn as a scout, And gazing his secret position about, A boot caught his eye, near the spot that was plac'd, By w * * * *n's jet; Blacking transcendently grac'd; And, viewing his shade in its brilliant reflection, He cautiously ventured on closer inspection. 

 The gloss on its surface return'd grin for grin, Thence seeking his new-found acquaintance within, He pok'd in the boot his inquisitive snout, Head and shoulders so far, that he could not get out; And thus he seem'd cas'd--from his head to his tail, In suit of high-burnish'd impregnable mail!

 Erect on two legs then, with retrograde motion, It stalk'd; on the Sentry impressing a notion That this hostile figure, of non-descript form, The fortress might take by manoeuvre or storm!

 Now fixing his piece, in wild terror he bawls-- "A legion of devils are scaling the walls!" The guards sallied forth 'mid portentous alarms, Signal-guns were discharged, and the drums beat to arms; And Governor then, and whole garrison, ran To meet the dread foe in this minikin man!

 "A man--'tis a monkey!" Mirth loudly exclaim'd, And peace o'er the garrison then was proclaim'd; And Pug was released, the strange incident backing The merits, so various, of W* * * *n's Jet Blacking. "

~332~~ This trifle, well enough for the purpose, was honoured withapprobation. 

The two friends, unwilling to offend the delicacy of the Poet by apremature pecuniary compliment at this early stage of acquaintance, tookhis address and departed, professing an intention of calling upon him athis lodgings in the evening. 

"I would not, were I a bricklayer's labourer, " exclaimed Bob, "exchangesituations with this unfortunate literary hack--this poor devil ofmental toil and precarious result, who depends for scanty subsistence onthe caprice of his more fortunate inferiors, whose minds, unexpandedby liberal feeling, and absorbed in the love of self, and thesordid consideration of interest, are callous to the impression ofbenevolence!--But let us hope that few such cases of genius inadversity occur, even in this widely extended and varied scene of humanvicissitude. "

"That hope, " replied his Cousin, "is founded on

 "The baseless fabric of a vision!"

There are, at this moment, thousands in London of literary merit, ofwhom we may truly say, "Chill penury repress their noble rage, And freeze the genial current of the soul!"

Men unsustained by the hand of friendship, who pine in unheededobscurity, suffering the daily privations of life's indispensablerequisites, or obtaining a scanty pittance at the will of opulentignorance, and under the humiliating contumely, as we have just beeninformed, even of Blacking Manufacturers!

"But here is a man, who, during a period of eight years, held a publicsituation, the duties of which he performed satisfactorily to the last;and yet, on the abolition of the establishment, while the Principalretires in the full enjoyment of his ample salary, this senior Clerkand his fellows in calamity are cast adrift upon the world, to live orstarve, and in the dearth of employment suitable to their habits andeducation, the unfortunate outcasts are left to perish, perhaps by thehand of famine in the streets, or that of despondency in a garret;or, what is worse than either, consigned to linger out their remainingwretched ~333~~ days under the "cold reluctant charity" of a parishworkhouse. {1}

"When the principal of a Public-office has battened for many years onhis liberal salary, and the sole duties required of him have been thoseof occasionally signing a few official papers, why not discontinue hissalary on the abolition of the establishment, and partition it out inpensions to those disbanded Clerks by whose indefatigable exertionsthe business of the public has been satisfactorily conducted? Theseallowances, however inadequate to the purpose of substantiating allthe comforts, might yet realise the necessaries of life, and, at least, would avert the dread of absolute destitution. "

A pause ensued--Dashall continued in silent rumination--a few momentsbrought our Heroes to the Horse Guards; and as the acquirement "devoutlyto be wished" was a general knowledge of metropolitan manners, theyproceeded to the observance of Real Life in a Suttling House. 

Child's Suttling House at the Horse Guards is the almost exclusiveresort of military men, who, availing themselves of the intervalsbetween duty, drop in to enjoy a pipe and pint. 

 "To fight their battles o'er again, Thrice to conquer all their foes, And thrice to slay the slain. "

In the entrance on the left is a small apartment, bearing the dignifiedinscription, in legible characters on the door, of "The Non-CommissionedOfficers' Room. " In front of the bar is a larger space, boxed off, and appropriated to the use of the more humble heroical aspirants, theprivate men; and passing through the bar, looking into Whitehall, isthe _Sanctum Sanctorum_, for the reception of the more exalted rank, thegolden-laced, three-striped, subordinate commandants, Serjeant-Majorsand Serjeants, with the colour-clothed regimental appendants ofPaymasters and Adjutants' Clerks, _et cetera_. Into this latterapartment our accomplished friends were ushered with becoming

 1 "Swells then thy feeling heart, and streams thine eye O'er the deserted being, poor and old, Whom cold reluctant parish-charity Consigns to mingle with his kindred mold. " --Charlotte Smith. 

~334~~ respect to their superior appearance, at the moment when a warmdebate was carrying on as to the respective merits of the deceasedNapoleon and the hero of Waterloo. 

The advocate of the former seemed unconnected with the army: theadherent to the latter appeared in the gaudy array of a Colour-Serjeantof the Foot Guards, and was decorated with a Waterloo medal, conspicuously suspended by a blue ribbon to the upper button of hisjacket; and of this honourable badge the possessor seemed not less vainthan if he had been adorned with the insignia of the most noble order ofthe Garter. 

"I contend, and I defy the universe to prove the contrary, " exclaimedthe pertinacious Serjeant in a tone of authoritative assertion, "that the Duke of Wellington is a greater man than ever did, does, orhereafter may exist!"

"By no means, " answered the Civilian. "I admit, so far as a thoroughknowledge of military tactics, and a brilliant career of victoryconstitutes greatness, his grace of Wellington to be a great hero, butcertainly not the greatest 'inan that ever did, does, or hereafter mayexist!" "Is there a greater man? Did there ever exist a greater?--whenand where?" the Serjeant impatiently demanded. 

"Buonaparte was a greater, " answered the opposing disputant; "because tomilitary renown unparalleled in the annals of ancient or modern history, he added the most consummate knowledge of government; and although hisactions might frequently partake of arbitrary sway, (and who is thehuman being exempted from human frailty) yet he certainly created andsustained, in her most elevated zenith, the splendour of France, tillcrushed by the union of nations in arms; and if power is the criterionof greatness, who was, is, or ever can be greater than the man, who, emerging from obscurity, raised himself solely by his mental energiesto the highest elevation of human glory; and who, this Island excepted, commanded the destinies of all Europe! The most determined of hisenemies will not deny, calmly and duly appreciating his merits, that hepossessed unrivalled talent; and this fact the hero, whose cause youso vehemently espouse, would, I have no doubt, be the foremost inacknowledging. "

In deficiency of argument, the Serjeant resorted to invective; thevociferous disputation reached the next ~335~~ room, and was taken up bythe rank and file in a manner not less tumultuous; when an honest nativeof the "Emerald Isle" good-humouredly terminated the war of words, calling for half a quartern of gin, with which to qualify a pint ofWhitbread's entire. 

"To the immortal memory of St. Patrick, and long life to him!" exclaimedPatrick O'Shaughnessy. "If there did not exist but them two selves, badluck to the spalpeen who will say that the Duke and my Lord Londonderywould not be the greatest men in the universe!"

This sally led to a cessation of hostilities, which might have beenfollowed by a definitive treaty of peace, but the dæmon of discord againmade its appearance in the tangible shape of a diminutive personage, who, hitherto silently occupying a snug out-of-the-way corner by thefireplace, had escaped observation. 

Dashall and his Cousin emerging from the Sanctum Sanctorum, wheretheir presence seemed to have operated as a check on the freedom ofdiscussion, had just seated themselves in the room allotted to theprivate soldiers, when, in a broad northern accent, the aforesaidtaciturn gentleman, selecting the two strangers, who, of all thecompany, seemed alone worthy the honour of his notice, thus addressedthem:

"I crave your pardon, Sirs--but I guess frae your manner that ye areno unacquainted wi' the movements o' high life--do you ken how lang theKing means to prolong his abode amang our neebors owre the water, hishair-brain'd Irish subjects, whase notions o' loyalty hae excited saemony preposterously antic exhibitions by that volatile race O' people?"

"I am not in possession, " answered Dashall, "of any information on thesubject. "

"By the manes of the Priest, " exclaimed Mr. O'Shaughnessy, "but the King(God bless him) has visited the land of green Erin, accompanied by thespirit of harmony, and praties without the sauce of butter-milk be hisportion, who does not give them both a hearty welcome!--Arrah, what maneyou by a preposterous exhibition? By hecky, the warm hearts of the sonsand daughters of St. Patrick have exhibited an unsophisticated feelingof loyalty, very opposite indeed to the chilling indifference, not tosay worse of it, of those his subjects at home; and as Sir William, thebig Baronet of the City, said in the House ~336~~ that gives laws to theland, Why should not his Majesty be cheered up a little?"

This effusion of loyalty was well received, and Dashall and his Cousincordially united in the general expression of approbation. 

"This is a' vera weel, " said the Northern; "but an overstrained civilitywears ay the semblance o' suspicion, and fulsome adulation canna be veraacceptable to the mind o' delicate feeling: for instance, there ismy ain country, and a mair ancient or a mair loyal to its legitimateSovereign there disna exist on the face o' the whole earth; wad the Kingcondescend to honor wi' his presence the palace o' Holyrod House, hewad experience as ardent a manifestation o' fidelity to his person andgovernment in Auld Reekie as that shown him in Dublin, though aiblinsno quite sae tumultuous; forbye, it wadna hae been amiss to hae gaenthe preference to a nation whare his ancestors held sway during sae monycenturies, and whare, in the castle of Edinburgh, is still preserved thesacred regalia, with which it migh no hae been unapropos to hae gracedhis royal head and hand amidst the gratifying pageantry o' a Scotchcoronation. Sure I am that North Britain has never been honored publiclywi' a royal visit. --Whether ony branch o' the present reigning familyhae been there incognita they best ken themselves. "

"You seem to have forgot, " observed Tallyho, "the visit of the Duke ofCumberland to Scotland in the year 1745. "

"Begging your pardon for setting you right in that particular, " answeredthe cynic, with a most significant expression of countenance, "that, Sir, was not a visit, but a visitation!"

"Appropriate enough, " whispered Dashall to Tallyho. 

"Augh, boderation to nice distinctions!" exclaimed O'Shaughnessy; "here, Mister Suttler be after tipping over anoder half quartern of the cratur, wid which to drink success to the royal visitant. "

"And that the company may participate in the gratifying expression ofattachment to their Sovereign, Landlord, " said Dashall, "let the glassgo round. "

"Testifying our regard for the Sovereign, " resumed the Northern, "itcanna be understood that we include a' the underlings o' Government. Weought, as in duty bound, to venerate and obey the maister o' the house;bat it is ~337~~ by no means necessary that we should pay a similarrespect to his ox and his ass, his man-servant and his maid-servant. May be, had he been at hame on a late occasion o' melancholy solemnity, blood wadna hae been spilt, and mickle dool and sorrow wad hae beenavoided. "

"We perfectly understand your allusion, " said one from the group ofLife-guardsmen: "Of us now present there were none implicated in theunfortunate occurrences either of that day or a subsequent one: yet wemust not silently hear our comrades traduced--perhaps then it may be aswell to drop the subject. "

"I canna think o' relinquishing a topic 0' discourse, " answered theNorthern, "replete wi' mickle interest, merely at your suggestion; itmay be ye did your duty in obeying the commands, on that lamentableoccasion, O' your superior officers, and it is to be hoped that the dutyO' the country, towards those with whom originated the mischief, willnot be forgotten; there is already on record against the honour 0' yourcorps a vera serious verdick. "

Here the Life-guardsmen spontaneously started up; but the immediateinterposition of Dashall averted me impending storm; while Tallyho, imitating the generosity of his Cousin, ordered the circulation oncemore of the bottle, to Unanimity betwixt the military and the people. Harmony thus restored, the two friends took their leave, amidst thegrateful acknowledgments of the company, O'Shaughnessy swearing ontheir departure, that doubtless the two strangers were begot in Ireland, although they might have come over to England to be born! While thepertinacious Northern observed, that appearances were aften deceitful, although, to be sure, the twa friends had vera mickle the manners 0'perfectly well-bred gentlemen, and seem'd, forbye, to hae a proper senseo' national honor. 

Proceeding into Whitehall, Tallyho much admired the statue-like figuresof the mounted sentries in the recesses by the gate of the Horse-guards;the relief had just approached; the precision of retirement of the oneparty, and advance to its post of the other: the interesting appearanceof the appropriately caparisoned and steady demeanour of the horses, and their instinctive knowledge of military duty, excited deservedlyprolonged attention, ~338~~ "One would think, " said Tallyho, "that these noble animals arereally actuated by reasoning faculties. "

"Hereafter, " replied Dashall, "you will still more incline to thisopinion, when we have an opportunity of being present on a cavalryfield-day in Hyde Park, where manoeuvre will appear to have attained itsacme of perfection, as much from the wonderful docility of the horse asthe discipline of the rider. "{l}

"But hold, who have we here?--Our friend Sparkle, gazing about him withan eye of inquisitive incertitude, as if in search of lost property. "

As his two friends approached, he seemed bewildered in the labyrinthof conjecture. --"I have lost my horse!" he exclaimed, in answer to theinquiry of Dashall. "Having occasion to stop half an hour at Drummond's, I gave the animal in charge of an Israelite urchin, and now neither areto be seen. "

Casting a look down the street, they at last discerned the Jew lad, quickly, yet carefully leading the horse along, with two boys mounted onits back. Thoroughly instructed in the maxim--Get money, honestly ifyou can, but get it by any means! young Moses had made the most of thepresent opportunity, by letting out the horse, at a penny a ride, fromCharing Cross to the Horse Guards; this, by his own confession, wasthe fifteenth trip! Sparkle, highly exasperated, was about to apply thediscipline of the whip to the shoulders of the thrifty speculator, whenTallyho, interceding in his behalf, he was released, with a suitableadmonition. 

 1 Not long since some cavalry horses, deemed "unfit for further service, " were sold at Tattersal's. Of one of these a Miller happened to be the purchaser. Subservient now to the ignoble purposes of burthen, the horse one day was led, 'with a sack of flour on his back, to the next market- town; there while the Miller entered a house for a few moments, and the animal quietly waited at the door, a squadron of dragoons drew up in an adjacent street, forming by sound of trumpet; the instant that the Miller's horse heard the well-known signal, it started off with as much celerity as its burthen admitted, and, to the great amusement of the troop, and astonishment of the spectators, took its station in the ranks, dressing in line, with the accustomed precision of an experienced veteran in the service; and it was with considerable difficulty that the Miller, who had now hastened to the spot, could induce the animal to relinquish its military ardour, to which it still appeared to cling with renewed and fond pertinacity!

Sparkle, mounting his recovered charger, left his ~339~~ pedestrianfriends for the present, to continue their excursion; who, proceeding upSt. Martin's Lane, and admiring that noble edifice, the Church, reached, without other remarkable occurrence, the quietude of Leicester Square. 

Close by is Barker's Panorama, an object of attraction too prominent tobe passed without inspection. They now entered, and Tallyho stood mutewith delight at the astonishing effect of the perspective; while, as ifby the powers of enchantment, he seemed to have been transported intoother regions. Amidst scenes of rich sublimity, in the centre of a vastamphitheatre, bounded only by the distant horizon, far remote from thenoisy bustle of the Metropolis, he gave full scope to his imagination;and after an hour of pleasing reverie, left the fascinating delusionwith evident reluctance. 

Emerging once more into the gay world, the two associates, in searchof Real Life in London, proceeded through Covent Garden Market, wherefruit, flowers, and exotics in profusion, invite alike the eye and theappetite. 

Onwards they reached the classic ground of Drury, "Where CatherineStreet descends into the Strand. "

"I never, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "pass this spot without a feelingof veneration--the scenes of "olden times" rise on my view, and theshades of Garrick, and our late loss, and not less illustriousSheridan, flit before me! This was then, as now, the seat of Cyprianindulgence--the magnet of sensual attraction, where feminine youth andbeauty in their most fascinating and voluptuous forms were let out bythe unprincipled procuress, and the shrines of Venus and Apollo invitedthe votaries of each to nocturnal sacrifice. {1}

 1 The avenue to the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre was, in the time of Garrick, through Vinegar Yard. In this passage an old spider, better known, perhaps, by the name of a Procuress, had spread her web, alias, opened a Bagnio, and obtained a plentiful living by preying on those who unfortunately or imprudently fell into her clutches. Those who are not unacquainted with haddocks, will understand the loose fish alluded to, who beset her doors, and accosted with smiles or insults every one that passed. It happened that a noble Lord, in his way to the theatre, with his two daughters under his arm, was most grossly attacked by this band of "flaming ministers. " He immediately went behind the scenes, and insisted on seeing Mr. Garrick, to whom he represented his case, and so roused the vengeance of the little Manager, that he instantly, full of wrath, betook himself to this unholy Sybil:--

 "Twin-child of Cacus; Vulcan was their sire, Full offspring both of healthless fume and fire!"

 Finding her at the mouth of her cavern, he quickly gave veut to his rage in the most buskin'd strain, and concluded by swearing that he would have her ousted. To this assault she was not backward in reply, but soon convinced him that she was much more powerful in abusive language than our Roscius, though he had recourse in his speech to Milton's "hell-born bitch, " and other phrases of similar celebrity, whilst she entirely depended on her own natural resources. Those to whom this oratory is not new, have no need of our reporting any of it; and those to whom it is a perfect mystery, boast a "state the more gracious, " and are the more happy in their ignorance. None of this rhapsody, however, although teeming with blasphemy and abuse, had any effect on Garrick, and he would have remained unmoved had she not terminated in the following manner, which so excited the laughter of the collected mob, and disconcerted "the soul of Richard, " that, without another word to say, he hastily took shelter in the theatre. Putting her arms akimbo, and letting down each side of her mouth with wonderful expression of contempt, she exclaimed--"You whipper snapper! you oust me! You be d-----d! My house is as good as your's--aye, and better too. I can come into your's whenever I like, and see the best that you can do for a shilling; but d-----me if you, or any body else, shall come into mine for less than a fifteen-penny negus. "

~340~~ "This street and neighbourhood was wont to exhibit, nightly, a melancholy proof of early infamy. Here might be seen a prolongedsuccession of juvenile voluptuaries, females, many of them underfourteen years of age, offering themselves to indiscriminateprostitution, in a state verging on absolute nudity, alluring thepassengers, by every seductive wile, to the haunts of depravity, fromwhich retreat was seldom effected without pecuniary exaction, andfrequently accompanied by personal violence. The nuisance has beenpartly abated, but entirely to remove it would be a task of moredifficult accomplishment than that of cleansing the Augean stable, andwould baffle all the labours of Hercules!"

"This fact, " observed Tallyho, "throws an indelible stain onmetropolitan police. "

"Not so, " answered his companion, "scarce a day passes without groups ofthese unfortunates being held before a magistrate, and humanely disposedof in various ways, with the view of preventing a recurrence to vicioushabits, --but in vain;--the stain is more attributed to the depravednature of man, who first seduces, and then casts off ~341~~ to infamyand indigence the unhappy victim of credulity. Many of these wretchedgirls would, in all probability, gladly have abstained from the careerof vice, if, on their first fall, they had experienced the consolingprotection of parents or friends;--but, shut out from home, --exiled fromhumanity, --divested of character, and without resources, --no choice isleft, other than mendicity or prostitution!"{1}

The sombre reflections occasioned by these remarks gradually gave way tothose of a more enlivening hue, as the two friends proceeded along theStrand. The various display, at the tradesmen's shop windows, of usefuland ornamental articles, --the continued bustle of the street, --thethrong of passengers of every description, hurrying on in the activityof business, or more leisurely lounging their way under the impulse ofcuriosity, --the endless succession of new faces, and frequent occurrenceof interesting incident;--these united in forming an inexhaustible fundof amusement and admiration. 

 1 "Hatton Garden. --On Saturday, no less than fifteen unfortunate girls, all elegantly attired, were placed at the bar, charged by Cadby, the street-keeper on the Foundling Estate, with loitering about the neighbourhood for their nocturnal purposes. The constable stated, that repeated complaints had been made to him by many of the inhabitants, of the disgraceful practice of vast numbers of frail ones, who resort every night to Brunswick Square. He had been therefore instructed to endeavour to suppress the nuisance. About twelve o'clock on Friday night, while perambulating the district, he found the fifteen prisoners at the bar in Brunswick Square, at their usual pursuits, and all of them were in the act of picking up gentlemen. He procured assistance, and they were taken into custody, and conveyed to the watch-house. 

 None of the prisoners could deny the charge, but expressed great contrition at being under the painful necessity of procuring their subsistence in so disgraceful a manner. They were examined individually, by the magistrates, as to the origin that brought them to disgrace. Some, from their admission, were farmers' daughters, and had been decoyed from their relatives, and brought to London, and subsequently deserted by their seducers. Some were nursery- maids--others, girls seduced from boarding schools. Their tales were truly distressing--some had only been six months in such infamy, others twelve months, and some two years and upwards. 

 The worthy magistrate, with much feeling, admonished them on the evil course they were following, and pointed out the means still left for them to return to the paths of virtue; and on their severally promising never to appear again in that quarter, they were discharged. "

Passing through Temple Bar, "Once more, " said ~342~~ Dashall, "we enterthe dominions of another Sovereign, --the Monarch of the City, --thanwhom there is none more tenacious of the rights and immunities ofhis subjects. Professing a strictly civil government, and consequenthostility to military interference, it does not always happen that theregal sway of the East harmonizes with that of the West, and the limitedreign of the former is generally most popular when most in oppositionto that of the latter. Several important events have occurred wherein alate patriotic Right Honourable Chief Magistrate has had the opportunityof manifesting a zealous, firm, and determined attachment to theprivileges of the community: the good wishes of his fellow-citizens haveaccompanied his retirement, and his private and public worth will belong held in deserved estimation. "

Turning up the Old Bailey, and passing, with no pleasing sensations, that structure in front of which so many human beings expiate theiroffences with their lives, without, in any degree, the frequency ofthe dreadful example lessening the perpetration of crime, --"The crowdthickens, " exclaimed the 'Squire; and advancing into Smithfield, anew scene opened on the view of the astonished Tallyho. An immense andmotley crowd was wedged together in the open space of the market, whichwas surrounded by booths and shows of every description, while thepavement was rendered nearly impassable by a congregated multitude, attracted by the long line of stalls, exhibiting, in ample redundancy, the gorgeously gilt array of ginger-bread monarchs, savory spice-nuts, toys for children and those of elder growth, and the numerous other_et cetera_ of Bartholomew Fair, which at that moment the Lord Mayorof London, with accustomed state and formality, was in the act ofproclaiming. 

A more dissonant uproar now astounded the ears of Bob than ever issuedfrom the hounds at falt in the field or at variance in the kennel! Theprolonged stunning and vociferous acclamation of the mob, accompaniedby the deeply sonorous clangor of the gong--the shrill blast of thetrumpet--the hoarse-resounding voices of the mountebanks, strainingtheir lungs to the pitch of extremity, through speaking tubes--thescreams of women and children, and the universal combination of discord, announced the termination of the Civic Sovereign's performance in thedrama; "the revelry now had began, " ~343~~ and all was obstreperousuproar, and "confusion worse confounded. "

In the vortex of the vast assemblage, the Hon. Tom Dashall and hisCousin were more closely hemmed in than they probably would have been atthe rout of female distinction, where inconvenience is the order of thenight, and pressure, to the dread of suffocation, the criterion of rankand fashion. Borne on the confluent tide, retreat was impracticable;alternately then, stationary and advancing with the multitude, as iturged its slow and undulating progress; or paused at the attractions ofWombwell and Gillman's rival menageries--the equestrian shows of Clarkand Astley--the theatres of Richardson and Gyngell, graced by thepromenade of the _dramatis personæ_ and lure of female nudity--the younggiantess--the dwarfs--and the accomplished lady, who, born without arms, cuts out watch-papers with her toes, and takes your likeness with herteeth!--Amidst these and numerous other seductive impediments to theirprogress, our pedestrians, resisting alike temptation and invitation, penetrated the mass of spectators, and gained an egress at Long Lane, uninjured in person, and undamaged in property, "save and except" theloss, by Bob, of a shoe, and the rent frock of his honourable Cousin. To repair the one and replace the other was now the predominantconsideration. By fortunate proximity to a descendant of St. Crispin, the latter object was speedily effected; but the difficulty offinding, in that neighbourhood, a knight of the thimble, appearinginsurmountable, the two friends pursued their course, Dashall drawingunder his arm the shattered skirts of his garment, until they reachedPlayhouse Yard, in Upper Whitecross Street, St. Luke's, to which theyhad been previously directed, the epitome of Monmouth Street, chieflyinhabited by tailors and old clothes retailers, where purchase andrepair are equally available. 

Entering a shop occupied by an intelligent Scotch tailor, who, withhis son, was busily employed in making up black cloth and kerseymerewaistcoats, his spouse, a native of Edinburgh, with a smile ofcomplacency and avidity of utterance that strongly indicated a view tothe main chance, put her usual inquiry:

"What is your wull, Gentlemen--what wad you please to want?"

"My good lady, " answered Dashall, "we would be ~344~~ glad to accept theservices of your husband, " exhibiting at same time the rent skirts ofhis frock. "This accident was sustained in passing, or rather in beingsqueezed through the Fair; my friend too, experienced a trifling loss;but, as it has been replaced, I believe that he does not require presentamendment. "

The materials destined to form the black waistcoats were then put aside, while the northern adept in the exercise of the needle proceededto operate on the fractured garment; and a coat being supplied, _adinterim_, Tom and his friend accepted the "hospitable invitation of theguid wife, and seated themselves with unhesitating sociability. 

"And sae ye hae been to the Fair, gentlemen?" "We have, madam, " saidDashall, "and unintentionally so; we were not, until on the spot, awareof any such exhibition, and got within its vortex just as the Lord Mayorhad licensed, by proclamation, the commencement of this annual scene ofidleness, riot and dissipation!"

"Hoot awa, Sir, ye wadna wish to deprive us o' our amusements; poorfolks dinna often enjoy pleasure, and why should na they hae a wee bito' it now and then, as weel as the rich?"

"I know not, my good lady, " exclaimed Bon, "that I can altogetherassimilate with your's my ideas of pleasure; if it consists in beingpressed nearly to death by a promiscuous rabble, in attempts on yourpocket, shoes trod off your feet by the formidable iron-cased soles of adrayman's ponderous sandals, to say nothing of the pleasing effect thusproduced upon your toes, and in having the coat torn off from your back, I would freely resign to the admirers of such pleasure the full benefitof its enjoyment. "

"Accidents wull happen ony where and in ony situation, " replied thegarrulous wife; "ye may be thankfu', gentlemen, that its nae waur, --and, for the matter o' the rent frock, my guid man wull repair it in sic away that the disaster wull no be seen, and the coat wull look as weel asever. "

The promise was verified; the reparation was made with equal neatnessand celerity; something beyond the required remuneration was given; andDashall inquiring if the worthy dame of _Auld Reekie_ would take a dropof cordial, the friendly offer was accepted, and the glass of ~345~~good fellowship having been drank, and civilities interchanged, thestrangers departed. 

They were now in Whitecross Street, where sojourned their acquaintanceof the morning, the distressed Poet; and, from the accuracy ofdescription, had no difficulty in ascertaining his place of residence. 

It was in a public-house; a convenient lodging for the forlornbeing, who, exiled from friendship, and unconnected by any ties ofconsanguinity, can dress his scanty meal by a gratuitous fire, and wherecasual generosity may sometimes supply him with a draught of Hanbury'sexhilarating beverage. 

At the bar, directly facing the street door, the strangers, on inquiringfor the Poet by name, were directed by the landlord, with a sarcasticalexpression of countenance, to "the first floor _down the chimney_!"while the Hostess, whose demeanour perfectly accorded with that ofthe well-manner'd gentlewoman, politely interfered, and, shewing theparlour, sent a domestic to acquaint her lodger that he was wanted belowstairs. 

The summons was instantaneously obeyed; but as the parlour precluded theopportunity of private conversation, being partly occupied by clamorousbutchers, with whom this street abounds to redundancy, the Poet had noother alternative than that of inviting the respectable visitants tohis attic, or, as the Landlord facetiously named the lofty domicile, hisfirst floor down the chimney!

Real Life in London must be seen, to be believed. The Hon. Tom Dashalland his friend Tallyho were reared in the lap of luxury, and neveruntil now formed an adequate conception of the distressing privationsattendant on suffering humanity. 

With a dejection of spirits evidently occasioned by the humiliatingnecessity of ushering his polished friends into the wretched asylum ofpenury, the Poet led the way with tardy reluctancy, while his visitorsregretted every step of ascent, under the appalling circumstance ofgiving pain to adversity; yet they felt that to recede would be moreindelicate than to advance. 

The apartment which they now entered seemed a lumber room, for thereception of superfluous or unserviceable furniture, containing notfewer than eleven decayed and mutilated chairs of varied description;and the limited space, to make the most of it in a pecuniary point ofview, ~346~~ was encroached upon by three uncurtained beds, of mostimpoverished appearance, --while, exhibiting the ravages of time indivers fractures, the dingy walls and ceiling, retouched by the trowelin many places with a lighter shade of repairing material, bore no unaptresemblance to the Pye-bald Horse in Chiswell-street! Calculating on itsutility and probable future use, the builder of the mansion had givento this room the appendage of a chimney, but evidently it had for manyyears been unconscious of its usual accompaniment, fire. Two windows hadoriginally admitted the light of heaven, but to reduce the duty, onewas internally blocked up, while externally uniformity was preserved. Ademolished pane of glass in the remaining window, close to which stooda small dilapidated table, gave ingress to a current of air; theconvenient household article denominated a clothes-horse, stood againstthe wall; and several parallel lines of cord were stretched across theroom, on which to hang wet linen, a garret being considered of freeaccess to all the house, and the comfort or health of its occupant heldin utter derision and contempt!

Here then, --

 "In the worst Inn's worst room, with cobwebs hung, The walls of plaster and the floors of dung, "

entered Dashall and his Cousin Tallyho. The latter familiarly seatinghimself on the ricketty remains of what had once been an arm-chair, butnow a cripple, having lost one of its legs, the precarious equilibriumgave way under the unaccustomed shock of the contact, and the 'Squirecame to the ground, to his no small surprise, the confusion of the poet, and amusement of Dashall!

With many apologies for the awkwardness of their very humbleaccommodation, and grateful expression of thanks for the honourconferred upon him, the Poet replaced Tallyho in a firmer seat, and asilence of some few moments ensued, the two friends being at a loss inwhat manner to explain, and the Poet unwilling to inquire the object oftheir visit. 

Dashall began at last, by observing that in pursuit of the knowledge ofReal Life in London, he and his accompanying friend had met with manyincidents both ludicrous and interesting; but that in the presentinstance their visit was rather influenced by sympathy than ~347~~curiosity, and that where they could be serviceable to the interest ofmerit in obscurity, they always should be happy in the exercise of aduty so perfectly congenial with their feelings. 

Many years had elapsed since the person, to whom these remarks wereaddressed, had heard the voice of consolation, and its effect wasinstantaneous; his usual sombre cast of countenance became brightened bythe glow of cheerful animation, and he even dwelt on the subject of hisunfortunate circumstances with jocularity:

"The elevated proximity of a garret, " he observed, "to the sublimerregions, has often been resorted to as the _roost of genius_; and whyshould I, of the most slender, if any, literary pretensions, complain?And yet my writings, scattered amongst the various fugitive periodicalpublications of this and our sister island, if collected together, wouldform a very voluminous compilation. "

"I have always understood, " said Bob, "that the quality, not thequantum, constituted the fame of an author's productions. "

"True, Sir, " answered the Poet; "and I meant not the vanity ofarrogating to myself any merit from my writings, with reference eitherto quantum or quality. I alluded to the former, as merely proving theinefficacy of mental labour in realizing the necessaries of life to anauthor whom celebrity declines acknowledging. Similarly situated, itwould appear was the Dutchman mentioned by the late Doctor Walcot, "My Broder is te poet, look, As all te world must please, For he heb wrote, py Got, a book So big as all this cheese!"

"On the other hand, Collins, Hammond, and Gray, wrote each of them butlittle, yet their names will descend to posterity!--And had Gray, of hispoems the _Bard_, and the _Elegy in a Country Church Yard_, writtenonly one, and written nothing else, he had required no other or betterpassport to immortality!"{1}

 1 Of that great and multitudinous writer, Doctor Samuel Johnson, the following anecdote is told: "Being one morning in the library at Buckingham House honoured with the presence of Royalty, the King, his late Majesty, inquired why he, (Mr. Johnson) did not continue to write. "May it please your Majesty, " answered the Doctor, "I think I have written enough. "--"I should have thought so too, " his Majesty replied, "if, Doctor Johnson, you had not written so well. "

~348~~ In this opinion the visitants, who were both well conversant withour native literature, readily acquiesced. 

"Have you never, " asked Dashall, "thought of publishing a volume bysubscription?"

"I meditated such intention, " answered the Poet, "not long ago; drewup the necessary Prospectus, with a specimen of the Poetry, andperambulated the Metropolis in search of patronage. In some fewinstances I was successful, and, though limited the number, yet the highrespectability of my few Subscribers gave me inexpressible satisfaction;several of our nobility honoured me with their names, and others, mypatrons, were of the very first class of literature. Nevertheless, I encountered much contumelious reception; and after an irksomeand unavailing perseverance of a month's continuance, I was at lastcompelled to relinquish all hope of success. 

"Having then on my list the name of a very worthy Alderman who latelyfilled the Civic Chair with honour to himself and advantage to hisfellow-citizens, I submitted my prospectus in an evil hour to anotherAlderman, a baronet, of this here and that there notoriety!

"Waiting in his Banking-house the result of my application, hecondescended to stalk forth from the holy of holies, his inner room, with the lofty demeanour of conscious importance, when, in the presenceof his Clerks and others, doubtless to their great edification andamusement, the following colloquy ensued, bearing in his hand my unluckyProspectus, with a respectful epistle which had accompanied it:--

"Are you the writer, " he asked in a majesterial tone, "of this hereletter?"

"I am, Sir W*****m, unfortunately!"

"Then, " he continued, "you may take them there papers back again, I haveno time to read Prospectuses, and so Mister Poet my compliments, andgood morning to you!!!"

"These literally were his words; and such was the astounding effect theyproduced on my mind, that, although I had meant to have passed throughthe Royal Exchange, I yet, in the depth of my reverie, wandered I knewnot where, and, before recovering my recollection, found myself in thecentre of London Bridge!"

~349~~ The detail of this fact, so characteristic of rude, ungentlemanlymanners, and the barbarian ignorance of this great man of little soul, excited against him, with Dashall and his friend, a mingled feeling ofridicule, contempt and reprobation!

"Real Life in London still!" exclaimed Talltho; "intellect and indigencein a garret, and wealth and ignorance in a banking-house!--I wouldat least have given him, in deficiency of other means, the wholesomecastigation of reproof. "

"I did, " said the Poet, "stung to the quick by such unmerited contumely, I retired to my attic, and produced a philippic named the Recantation:I cannot accommodate you at present with a copy of the Poem, but theconcluding stanzas I can repeat from memory:--

 "C****s, thy house in Lombard Street Affords thee still employment meet, Thy consequence retaining; For there thy Partners and thy Clerks Must listen to thy sage remarks, Subservient, uncomplaining. 

 And rob'd in Aldermanic gown, With look and language all thy own, Thou mak'st thy hearers stare, When this here cause, so wisely tried, Thou put'st with self-applause aside, To wisely try that there. 

 Nor can thy brother Cits forget When thou at civic banquet sate, And ask'd of Heaven a boon, A toast is call'd, on thee all eyes Intent, when peals of laughter rise-- A speedy peace and soon!

 Nor yet orthography nor grammar, Vain effort on thy pate to hammer, Impregnable that fort is! Witness thy toast again, --Three Cs; For who would think that thou by these Meant Cox, and King, and Curtis C****s, though scant thy sense, yet Heaven To thee the better boon hast given Or wealth--then sense despise, And deem not Fate's decrees amiss, For still "where ignorance is bliss 'Tis folly to be wise!"

~350~~ "Bravo!" exclaimed Dashall; "re-issue your Prospectus, my friend, and we will accelerate, with our best interest and influence, thepublication of your volume. Let it be dedicated to the Hon. Tom Dashalland his Cousin Bob Tallyho. In the meanwhile, accept this trifle, as acomplimentary _douceur_ uniformly given on such occasions; and, amidstthe varied scenes of Real Life in London, I shall frequently recur tothe present as the most gratifying to my feelings. "

 "By this the sun was out of sight, And darker gloamin brought the night. "

The benevolent associates now departed, pleased with the occurrences ofthe day, and, more than all, with the last, wherein the opportunitywas afforded them of extending consolation and relief to genius inadversity!~351~~

CHAPTER XXII

 . . . . . . . . "Mark! He who would cut the knot that does entwine And link two loving hearts in unison, May have man's form; but at his birth, be sure on't, Some devil thrust sweet nature's hand aside Ere she had pour'd her balm within his breast, To warm his gross and earthly mould with pity. 

 . . . . . . . I know what 'tis When worldly knaves step in with silver beards, To poison bliss, and pluck young souls asunder. "

TOM and his Cousin were surprised the next morning by a visit fromMr. Mortimer and his friend Merrywell, whose dismal features and longvisages plainly indicated some unpleasant disaster, and Tom began tofear blame would be attached to them for leaving his party at DarkhouseLane. 

"Pray, " said Merrywell, "can you tell me where to find your friendSparkle?"

"Indeed, " replied Dashall, a little relieved by this question, "I am notSparkle's keeper; but pray be seated--what is the matter, is it a duel, do you want a second?--I know he is a good shot. "

"This levity, Sir, " said Mortimer, "is not to be borne. The honour of arespectable family is at stake, and must be satisfied. No doubt you, as his very oldest friend, know where he is; and I desire you willimmediately inform me, or------"

"Sir, " said Dashall, who was as averse as unused to be desired by anyperson--"do you know whom you address, and that I am in my own house?if you do, you have certainly discarded all propriety of conduct andlanguage before you cross'd the threshold. "

"Gentlemen, " said Merrywell, "perhaps some explanation is reallynecessary here. My friend Mortimer speaks under agonized feelings, for which, I am sure, your good sense will make every allowance. MissMortimer------"

"Miss Mortimer, " exclaimed Dashall, rising from his ~352~~ seat, "youinterest me strongly, say, what of Miss Mortimer?"

"Alas, " said Mortimer, evidently endeavouring to suppress emotions whichappeared to agitate his whole frame, and absorb every mental faculty, "we are unable to account for her absence, and strongly suspect she isin company with your friend Sparkle--can you give us any informationrelative to either of them?"

Dashall assured them he knew nothing of the fugitives, but that hewould certainly make every inquiry in his power, if possible to findout Sparkle. Upon which they departed, though not without hinting theyexpected Tom had the power of making a search more effectually thaneither Mortimer or Merrywell. 

"Egad!" said Tom to Tallyho, "this absence of Sparkle means somethingmore than I can at present conceive; and it appears that we mustnow venture forth in search of our guide. I hope he has taken a gooddirection himself. "

"Mortimer appears hurt, " continued Bob, "and I can scarcely wonder atit. "

"It is a trifle in high life now-a-days, " replied Dashall, "and my lifefor it we shall obtain some clue to his mode of operation before theday is out. Love is a species of madness, and oftentimes inducesextraordinary movements. I have discovered its existence in his breastfor some time past, and if he is really with the lady, I wonder myselfthat he has not given some sort of intimation; though I know he is verycautious in laying his plans, and very tenacious of admitting too manypersons to know his intentions, for fear of some indiscreet friendunintentionally frustrating his designs. "

"I apprehend we shall have a wild-goose chase of it, " rejoined Bob. 

"It serves however, " continued Tom, "to diversify our peregrinations;and if it is his pleasure to be in love, we will endeavour to chasepleasure in pursuit of the Lover, and if guided by honourable motives, which I cannot doubt, we will wish him all the success he can wishhimself, only regretting that we are deprived of his agreeable company. 

 "Still free as air the active mind will rove, And search out proper objects for its love; But that once fix'd, 'tis past the pow'r of art To chase the dear idea from the heart. 'Tis liberty of choice that sweetens life, Makes the glad husband and the happy wife. "

~353~~ "But come, let us forth and see how the land lies; many personsobtain all their notoriety from an elopement; it makes a noise in theworld, and even though frequently announced in our newspapers underfictitious titles, the parties soon become known and are recollectedever after; and some even acquire fame by the insertion of a paragraphannouncing an elopement, in which they insinuate that themselves areparties; so that an elopement in high life may be considered as one ofthe sure roads to popularity. "

"But not always a safe one, " replied Bob. 

"Life is full of casualties, " rejoined Dashall, "and you are bythis time fully aware that it requires something almost beyond humanforesight to continue in the line of safety, while you are in pursuit ofReal Life in London. Though it may fairly be said, 'That all the world'sa stage, and all the men and women merely passengers, ' still they havetheir inside and their outside places, and each man in his time meetswith strange adventures. It may also very properly be termed a CameraObscura, reflecting not merely trees, sign-posts, houses, &c. Butthe human heart in all its folds, its feelings, its passions, and itsmotives. In it you may perceive conceit flirting its fan--arroganceadjusting its cravat--pedantry perverting its dictionary--vacuityhumming a tune--vanity humming his neighbour--cunning shutting his eyeswhile listening to a pedagogue--and credulity opening his eyes and ears, willing and anxious to be deceived and duped. "

"It is a strange world, indeed, " said Tallyho; "and of all that I haveever heard or seen, this London of your's is the most extraordinarypart. "

"Yes, --

 "This world is a well-cover'd table, Where guests are promiscuously set; We all eat as long as we're able, And scramble for what we can get--"

answered his Cousin; "in fact, it is like every thing, and at the sametime like nothing--~354~~

 "The world is all nonsense and noise, Fantoccini, or Ombres Chinoises, Mere pantomime mummery Puppet-show flummery; A magical lantern, confounding the sight;

 Like players or puppets, we move On the wires of ambition and love; Poets write wittily, Maidens look prettily, 'Till death drops the curtain --all's over--good night!"

By this time they were at Long's, where, upon inquiry, all trace ofSparkle had been lost for two days. All was mystery and surprise, not somuch that he should be absent, as that his servant could give no accountof him, which was rather extraordinary. Tom ascertained, however, thatno suspicion appeared to have been excited as to Miss Mortimer, and, with commendable discretion, avoided expressing a word which couldcreate such an idea, merely observing, that most likely he had taken anunexpected trip into the country, and would be heard of before the daywas out. 

On leaving Long's however they were met again by Mortimer in breathlessanxiety, evidently labouring under some new calamity. 

"I am glad I have found you, " said he, addressing himself to Dashall;"for I am left in this d------d wilderness of a place without a friendto speak to. "

"How, " inquired Ton, "what the d------l is the matter with you?"

"Why, you must know that Merry well is gone--"

"Gone--where to?"

"To--to--zounds, I've forgot the name of the people; but two genteellooking fellows just now very genteely told him he was wanted, and mustcome. "

"Indeed!"

"Yes, and he told me to find you out, and let you know that he mustbecome a bencher; and, without more todo, walked away with his newfriends, leaving me forlorn enough. My Sister run away, my Uncle runafter her--Sparkle absent, and Merrywell--"

"In the hands of the Nab-men--I see it all clear enough; and you havegiven a very concise, but comprehensive picture of your own situation;but don't despair, man, you will yet find all right, be assured; putyourself under my guidance, let the world wag as it will; it is uselessto torment yourself with things you cannot prevent or cure. 

"The right end of life is to live and be jolly. "

~355~~ Mortimer scarcely knew how to relish this advice, and seemed todoubt within himself whether it was meant satirically or feelingly, tillDashall whispered in his ear a caution not to betray the circumstancesthat had transpired, for his Sister's sake. "But, " continued he, "Inever suffer these things, which are by no means uncommon in London, to interfere with my pursuits, though we are all somewhat at a loss. However, as the post is in by this time, some news may be expected, andwe will call at home before we proceed any further. --Where do you thinkthe Colonel is gone to?"

"Heaven only knows, " replied Mortimer; "the whole family is in an uproarof surmise and alarm, --what may be the end of it I know not. "

"A pretty breeze Master Sparkle has kick'd up, indeed, " continued Tom;"but I have for some time noticed an alteration in him. He always wasa gay trump, and whenever I find him seriously inclined, I suspectsome mischief brewing; for rapid transitions always wear portentousappearances, and your serious files are generally sly dogs. My lifefor it they have stolen a march upon your Uncle, queered some countryParson, and are by this time snugly stowed away in the harbour ofmatrimony. As for Merrywell, I dare be sworn his friends will take careof him. "

Expectation was on tiptoe as Dashall broke the seal of a letter thatwas handed to him on arrival at home. Mortimer was on the fidget, andTallyho straining his neck upon the full stretch of anxiety to hearthe news, when Dashall burst into a laugh, but in which neither of theothers could join in consequence of not knowing the cause of it. In afew minutes however the mystery was in some degree explained. 

"Here, " said Tom, "is news--extraordinary news--an official dispatchfrom head-quarters, but without any information as to where the tentsare pitched. It is but a short epistle. " He then read aloud, "Dear Dashall, "Please inform the Mortimer family and friends that all's well. 

Your's truly, C. Sparkle. "

Then handing the laconic epistle to Mortimer--"I trust, " said he, "youwill now be a little more at ease. "

~356~~ Mortimer eagerly examined the letter for the postmark, but wasnot able to make out from whence it came. 

"I confess, " said he, "I am better satisfied than I was, but am yet ata loss to judge of the motives which have induced them to pursue sostrange a course. "

"The motive, " cried Tom, "that may be easily explained; and I doubtnot but you will find, although it may at present appear a littlemysterious, Sparkle will be fully able to shew cause and produce effect. He is however a man of honour and of property, and most likely we may bythis time congratulate you upon the change of your Sister's name. Whata blaze it will make, and she will now most certainly become a sparklingsubject. Hang it, man, don't look so dull upon a bright occasion. 

 "To prove pleasure but pain, some have hit on a project, We're duller the merrier we grow, Exactly the same unaccountable logic That talks of cold fire and warm snow. 

 For me, born by nature For humour and satire, I sing and I roar and I quaff; Each muscle I twist it, I cannot resist it, A finger held up makes me laugh. 

 For since pleasure's joy's parent, and joy begets mirth, Should the subtlest casuist or sophist on earth Contradict me, I'd call him an ass and a calf, And boldly insist once for all, That the only criterion of pleasure's to laugh, And sing tol de rol, loi de rol lol. "

This mirth of Dash all's did not seem to be in consonance with thefeelings of Mortimer, who hastily took his departure. 

"Come, " said Tom to his Cousin, "having gained some informationrespecting one friend, we will now take a stroll through Temple Bar, andhave a peep at Merrywell; he may perhaps want assistance in his presentsituation, though I will answer for it he is in a place of perfectsecurity. "

"How, " said Bob--"what do you mean?"

"Mean, why the traps have nibbled him. He is arrested, and gone to alock-up shop, a place of mere accommodation for gentlemen to take uptheir abode, for the purpose of ~357~~ arranging their affairs, andwhere they can uninterruptedly make up their minds whether to givebail, put in appearance and defend the suit, or take a trip to Abbott'sPriory; become a three months' student in the college of art, andundergo the fashionable ceremony of white-washing. "

"I begin to understand you now, " said Bob, "and the only differencebetween our two friends is, that one has willingly put on a chain forlife--"

"And the other may in all probability (continued Tom, ) have to chaff histime away with a chum--perhaps not quite so agreeable, though it reallyis possible to be very comfortable, if a man can reconcile himself tothe loss of liberty, even in "durance vile. "

By this time they were walking leisurely along Piccadilly, "And marching without any cumbersome load, They mark'd every singular sight on the road. "

"Who is that meagre looking man and waddling woman, who just passed us?"inquired Tallyho. 

"An old Bencher, " was the reply; "there you see all that is left of aman of _haut ton_, one who has moved in the highest circles; but alas!bad company and bad play have reduced him to what he now is. He has cutup and turn'd down very well among the usurers and attornies; but it isimpossible to say of him, as of his sirloin of a wife (for she cannot becalled a rib, or at all events a spare rib) that there is any thing likecut and come again. The poor worn-out Exquisite tack'd himself to hisLady, to enable him to wipe out a long score, and she determined ontaking him for better for worse, after a little rural felicity in a walkto have her fortune told by a gipsy at Norwood. He is now crippled inpocket and person, and wholly dependent upon bounty for the chance ofprolonging a miserable existence. His game is up. But what is life but agame, at which every one is willing to play? one wins and another loses:why there have been as many moves among titled persons, Kings, Queens, Bishops, Lords and Knights, within the last century, as there are in agame at chess. Pawns have been taken and restored in all classes, from the Sovereign, who pawns or loses his crown, to the Lady whosereputation is in pawn, and becomes at last not worth half a crown. Shuffling, cutting, dealing out and ~358~~ dealing in, double dealingand double faces, have long been the order of the day. Some men's cardsare all trumps, whilst others have _carte blanche_; some honours count, whilst others stand for nothing. For instance, did not the little manwho cast up his final accounts a short time back at St. Helena, like aCorsican conjurer, shuffle and cut about among kings and queens, knavesand asses, (aces I mean) dealing out honours when he liked, and takingtrumps as he thought fit?--did he not deal and take up again almost ashe pleased, having generally an honour in his sleeve to be played atcommand, or _un roi dans le marche_; by which cheating, it was scarcelypossible for any one to get fair play with him, till, flushed bysuccess, and not knowing how to bear his prosperity, he played toodesperately and too long? The tables were turned upon him, and hisenemies cheated him, first of his liberty, and ultimately of his life. "

At this moment Tallyho, who was listening in close attention to hisCousin, struck his foot against a brown paper parcel which rolled beforehim. --"Hallo!" exclaimed he, "what have we here?--somebody has dropped aprize. "

"It is mine, Sir, " said an old woman, dropping them a curtsey with asmile which shone through her features, though thickly begrimed withsnuff. 

"A bite, " said Tom. 

"I dropp'd it from my pocket, Sir, just now. "

"And pray, " inquired Tom, "what does it contain?" picking it up. 

"Snuff, Sir, " was the reply; "a kind, good-hearted Gentleman gave it tome--God bless him, and bless your Honour too!" with an additional smile, and a still lower curtsey. 

Upon examining the paper, which had been broken by the kick, Tomperceived, that by some magic or other, the old woman's snuff had becomesugar. 

"Zounds!" said he, "they have played some trick upon you, and given youbrimstone instead of snuff, or else you are throwing dust in our eyes. "

The parcel, which contained a sample of sugar, was carefully rolled upagain and tied, then dropped to be found by any body else who chose tostoop for it. 

"This, " said Dashall, "does not turn out to be what I first expected;for the practices of ring and money ~359~~ dropping{1} have, at varioustimes, been carried on with great success, and to the serious injuryof the unsuspecting. The persons who generally apply themselves to thisspecies of cheating are no other than gamblers who ingeniously contrive, by dropping a purse or a ring, to draw in some customer with a view toinduce him to play; and notwithstanding their arts have frequently beenexposed, we every now and then hear of some flat being done by thesesharps, and indeed there are constantly customers in London to be hadone way or another. "

"Then you had an idea that that parcel was a bait of this kind, "rejoined Bob. 

"I did, " replied his Cousin; "but it appears to be a legitimate letterfrom some industrious mechanic to his friend, and is a curious specimenof epistolary correspondence; and you perceive there was a person readyto claim it, which conspired rather to confirm my suspicions, being alittle in the style of the gentry I have alluded to. They vary theirmode of proceeding according to situation and circumstance. Yourmoney-dropper contrives to find his own property, as if by chance. He picks up the purse with an exclamation of 'Hallo! what have wehere?--Zounds! if here is not a prize--I'm in rare luck to-day--Ha, ha, ha, let's have a peep at it--it feels heavy, and no doubt is worthhaving. ' While he is examining its contents, up comes his confederate, who claims a share on account of having been present at the finding. 'Nay, nay, ' replies the finder, 'you are not in it. This Gentleman isthe only person that was near me--was not you, Sir? 'By this means thenovice is induced to assent, or perhaps assert his prior claim. Thefinder declares, 1 The practice of ring-dropping is not wholly confined to London, as the following paragraph from the Glasgow Courier, a very short time ago, will sufficiently prove:--'On Monday afternoon, when three Highland women, who had been employed at a distance from home in the harvest, were returning to their habitations, they were accosted by a fellow who had walked out a short way with them, 'till he picked up a pair of ear-rings and a key for a watch. The fellow politely informed the females that they should have half the value of the articles, as they were in his company when they were found. While they were examining them, another fellow came up, who declared at once they were gold, and worth at least thirty shillings. After some conversation, the women were induced to give fifteen shillings for the articles, and came and offered them to a watch-maker for sale, when they learned to their mortification that they were not worth eighteen pence!'

~360~~ that sooner than have any dispute about it, he will divide thecontents in three parts; recommends an adjournment to a public-house inthe neighbourhood, to wet the business and drink over their good luck. This being consented to, the leading points are accomplished. Thepurse of course is found to contain counterfeit money--Flash-screens orFleet-notes, {1} and the division cannot well be made without change canbe procured. Now comes the touch-stone. The Countryman, for such theygenerally contrive to inveigle, is perhaps in cash, having sold his hay, or his cattle, tells them he can give change; which being understood, the draught-board, cards, or la bagatelle, are introduced, and as thejob is a good one, they can afford to sport some of their newly-acquiredwealth in this way. They drink and play, and fill their grog again. TheCountryman bets; if he loses, he is called upon to pay; if he wins, 'tisadded to what is coming to him out of the purse. 

"If, after an experiment or two, they find he has but little money, orfight shy, they bolt, that is, brush off in quick time, leaving him toanswer for the reckoning. But if he is what they term well-breeched, and full of cash, they stick to him until he is cleaned out, {2} make himdrunk, and, if he turns restive, they mill him. If he should be aneasy cove, {3} he perhaps give them change for their flash notes, orcounterfeit coin, and they leave him as soon as possible, highly pleasedwith his fancied success, while they laugh in their sleeves at the dupeof their artifice. "

"And is it possible?" inquired Tallyho--

 "Can such things be, and overcome us Like a summer's cloud?"

"Not without our special wonder, " continued Dashall; "but such thingshave been practised. Then again, your ring-droppers, or practisers ofthe fawney rig, are more cunning in their manoeuvres to turn their waresinto the ready blunt. {4} The pretending to find a ring being one of themeanest and least profitable exercises of their ingenuity, it forms apart of their art to find articles of much more

 1 Flash-screens or Fleet-notes--Forged notes. 

 2 Cleaned out--Having lost all your money. 

 3 Easy cove--One whom there is no difficulty in gulling. 

 4 Ready blunt--Cash in hand. 

~361~~ value, such as rich jewelry, broaches, ear-rings, necklaces setwith diamonds, pearls, &c. Sometimes made into a paper parcel, at othersin a small neat red morocco case, in which is stuck a bill of parcels, giving a high-flown description of the articles, and with an extravagantprice. Proceeding nearly in the same way as the money-droppers with thedupe, the finder proposes, as he is rather short of _steeven_, {1} to_swap_{2}his share for a comparatively small part of the value stated inthe bill of parcels: and if he succeeds in obtaining one-tenth of thatamount in hard cash, his triumph is complete; for, upon examination, thediamonds turn out to be nothing but paste--the pearls, fishes' eyes--andthe gold is merely polished brass gilt, and altogether of no value. But this cannot be discovered beforehand, because the _bilk_{3} is in ahurry, can't spare time to go to a shop to have the articles valued, but assures his intended victim, that, as they found together, he shouldlike to _smack the bit_, {4 }without _blowing the gap_, {5} and so helphim G--d, the thing wants no _buttering up_, {6} because he is willing togive his share for such a trifle. "

 1 Steeven--A flash term for money. 

 2 Swap--To make an exchange, to barter one article for another. 

 3 A swindler or cheat. 

 4 Smack the bit--To share the booty. 

 5 Blowing the gap--Making any thing known. 

 6 Buttering up--Praising or flattering. 

This conversation was suddenly interrupted by a violent crash justbehind them, as they passed Drury Lane Theatre in their way throughBussel Court; and Bob, upon turning to ascertain from whence suchportentous sounds proceeded, discovered that he had brought all thePotentates of the Holy Alliance to his feet. The Alexanders, theCaesars, the Buonapartes, Shakespeares, Addisons and Popes, lay strewedupon the pavement, in one undistinguished heap, while a poor Italian ladwith tears in his eyes gazed with indescribable anxiety on the shapelessruin--' Vat shall me do?--dat man knock him down--all brokt--youpay--Oh! mine Godt, vat shall do! ' This appeal was made to Dashall andTallyho, the latter of whom the poor Italian seemed to fix upon as theauthor of his misfortune in upsetting his board of plaster images; andalthough he was perfectly unconscious of the accident, the appeal of thevender of great personages had its desired effect upon them both; and~362~~ finding themselves quickly surrounded by spectators, they gavehim some silver, and then pursued their way. 

"These men, " said Dashall, "are generally an industrious and hard-livingpeople; they walk many miles in the course of a day to find sale fortheir images, which they will rather sell at any price than carry backwith them at night; and it is really wonderful how they can make aliving by their traffic. "

"Ha, ha, ha, " said a coarse spoken fellow following--"how the JarmanDuck diddled the Dandies just now--did you twig how he queered the covesout of seven bob for what was not worth _thrums. _{1} The _Yelper_{2}did his duty well, and finger'd the _white wool_{3} in good style. I'md------d if he was not up to slum, and he whiddied their wattles withthe velvet, and floored the town toddlers easy enough. "

"How do you mean?" said his companion. 

"Why you know that foreign blade is an ould tyke about this quarter, andmakes a good deal of money--many a _twelver_{4} does he get by buyingup broken images of persons who sell them by wholesale, and he of coursegets them for little or nothing: then what does he do but dresses outhis board, to give them the best appearance he can, and toddles intothe streets, _touting_{5} for a good customer. The first genteel bit offlash he meets that he thinks will dub up the possibles, {6} he dashesdown the board, breaks all the broken heads, and appeals in a pitifulway for remuneration for his loss; so that nine times out of ten he getssome Johnny-raw or other to stump up the rubbish. "

"Zounds!" said Dashall, "these fellows are smoking us; and, in the midstof my instructions to guard you against the abuses of the Metropolis, wehave ourselves become the dupes of an impostor. "

 1 Thrums--A flash term for threepence. 

 2 The Yelper--A common term given to a poor fellow subject, who makes very pitiful lamentations on the most trifling accidents. 

 3 White wool--Silver. 

 4 Twelver--A shilling. 

 5 Touting--Is to be upon the sharp look out. 

 6 To dub up the possibles--To stand the nonsense--are nearly synonimous, and mean--will pay up any demand rather than be detained. 

~363~~ "Well, " said Tallyho, "it is no more than a practicalillustration of your own observation, that it is scarcely possible forany person to be at all times secure from the arts and contrivances ofyour ingenious friends the Londoners; though I confess I was little inexpectation of finding you, as an old practitioner, so easily let in. "

"It is not much to be wondered at, " continued Tom, "for here we are inthe midst of the very persons whose occupations, if such they may betermed, ought most to be avoided; for Covent Garden, and Drury Lane, with their neighbourhoods, are at all times infested with swindlers, sharpers, whores, thieves, and depredators of all descriptions, for everon the look out. It is not long since a man was thrown from a two-pairof stairs window in Charles Street, {1} which is just by, having beendecoyed into a house of ill fame by a Cyprian, and this in a situationwithin sight of the very Police Office itself in Bow Street!"

"Huzza! ha, ha, ha, there he goes, " vociferated by a variety of voices, now called their attention, and put an end to their conversation; andthe appearance of a large concourse of people running up Drury Lane, engrossed their notice as they approached the other end of Russel Court. 

On coming up with the crowd, they found the cause of the vast assemblageof persons to be no other than a Quaker{2} decorated with a tri-colouredcockade, who was

 1 A circumstance of a truly alarming and distressing nature, to which Dashall alluded in this place, was recently made known to the public in the daily journals, and which should serve as a lesson to similar adventurers. 

 It appeared that a young man had been induced to enter a house of ill fame in Charles Street, Covent Garden, by one of its cyprian inmates, to whom he gave some money in order for her to provide them with supper; that, upon her return, he desired to have the difference between what he had given and what she had expended returned to him, which being peremptorily refused, he determined to leave the house. On descending the stair-case for which purpose, he was met by some men, with whom he had a violent struggle to escape; they beat and bruised him most unmercifully, and afterwards threw him from a two-pair of stairs window into the street, where he was found by the Watchman with his skull fractured, and in a state of insensibility. We believe all attempts have hitherto proved fruitless to bring the actual perpetrator or perpetrators of this diabolical deed to punishment. 

 2 Bow-street. --Thursday morning an eccentric personage, who has for some time been seen about the streets of the Metropolis in the habit of a Quaker, and wearing the tri- coloured cockade in his broad white hat, made his appearance at the door of this office, and presenting a large packet to one of the officers, desired him, in a tone of authority, to lay it instantly before the Magistrate. The Magistrate (G. R. Minshull, Esq. ) having perused this singular paper, inquired for the person who brought it; and in the next moment a young man, in the garb of a Quaker, with a broad- brimmed, peaceful-looking, drab-coloured beaver on his head, surmounted by a furious tri-coloured cockade, was brought before him. This strange anomalous ' personage having placed himself very carefully directly in front of the bench, smiled complacently upon his Worship, and the following laconic colloquy ensued forthwith:--

 Magistrate--Did you bring this letter?

 Quaker--Thou hast said it. 

 Magistrate---What is your object in bringing it?

 Quaker--Merely to let thee know what is going on in the world--and, moreover, being informed that if I came to thy office, I should be taken into custody, I was desiroiis to ascertain whether that information was true. 

 Magistrate--Then I certainly shall not gratify you by ordering you into custody. 

 Quaker--Thou wilt do as seemeth right in thy eyes. I assure thee I have no inclination to occupy thy time longer than is profitable to us, and therefore I will retire whenever thou shalt signify that my stay is unpleasant to thee. 

 Magistrate--Why do you wear your hat?--are you a Quaker?

 Quaker--Thou sayest it--but that is not my sole motive for wearing it. To be plain with thee, I wear it because I chose to do so. Canst thee tell me of any law which compels me to take it off?

 Magistrate--I'll tell you what, friend, I would seriously recommend you to retire from this place as speedily as possible. 

 Quaker--I take thy advice--farewell. 

 Thus ended this comical conversation, and the eccentric friend immediately departed in peace. 

 The brother of the above person attended at the office on Saturday, and stated that the Quaker is insane, that he was proprietor of an extensive farm near Ryegate, in Surrey, for some years; but that in May last his bodily health being impaired, he was confined for some time, and on his recovery it was found that his intellects were affected, and he was put under restraint, but recovered. Some time since he absconded from Ryegate, and his friends were unable to discover him, until they saw the account of his eccen- tricities in the newspapers. Mr. Squire was desirous, if he made his appearance again at the office, he should be detained. The Magistrate, as a cause for the detention of the Quaker, swore the brother to these facts. About three o'clock the Quaker walked up Bow-street, when an officer conducted him to the presence of the Magistrate, who detained him, and at seven o'clock delivered him into the care of his brother. 

~365~~ very quietly walking with a Police Officer, and exhibiting acaricature of himself mounted on a velocipede, and riding overcorruption, &c. It was soon ascertained that he had accepted aninvitation from one of the Magistrates of Bow Street to pay him a visit, as he had done the day before, and was at that moment going before him. 

"I apprehend he is a little cracked, " said Tom; "but however that maybe, he is a very harmless sort of person. But come, we have other gamein view, and our way lies in a different direction to his. "

"Clothes, Sir, any clothes to-day?" said an importunate young fellow atthe corner of one of the courts, who at the same time almost obstructedtheir passage. 

Making their way as quickly as they could from this very pressingpersonage, who invited them to walk in. 

"This, " said Tom, "is what we generally call a _Barker_. I believe thetitle originated with the Brokers in Moor-fields, where men of thisdescription parade in the fronts of their employers' houses, incessantlypressing the passengers to walk in and buy household furniture, as theydo clothes in Rosemary Lane, Seven Dials, Field Lane, Houndsditch, andseveral other parts of the town. Ladies' dresses also used to be barkedin Cranbourn Alley and the neighbourhood of Leicester Fields; however, the nuisance has latterly in some measure abated. The Shop-women in thatpart content themselves now-a-days by merely inviting strangers to lookat their goods; but Barkers are still to be found, stationed at thedoors of Mock Auctions, who induce company to assemble, by bawling "Walkin, the auction is now on, " or "Just going to begin. " Of these mockauctions, there have been many opened of an evening, under the imposingglare of brilliant gas lights, which throws an unusual degree of lustreupon the articles put up for sale. It is not however very difficult todistinguish them from the real ones, notwithstanding they assume all theexterior appearances of genuineness, even up to advertisements in thenewspapers, purporting to be held in the house of a person lately goneaway under embarrassed circumstances, or deceased. They are denominatedMock Auctions, because no real intention exists on the part of thesellers to dispose of their articles under a certain price previouslyfixed upon, which, although it may not be high, is invariably more thanthey are actually worth: besides which, they may be easily discovered bythe anxiety they evince to show the goods to strangers at

~366~~the moment they enter, never failing to bestow over-strainedpanegyrics upon every lot they put up, and asking repeatedly--"Whatshall we say for this article? a better cannot be produced;" andpromising, if not approved of when purchased, to change it. TheAuctioneer has a language suited to all companies, and, according to hisview of a customer, can occasionally jest, bully, or perplex him intoa purchase. --"The goods must be sold at what they will fetch;" andhe declares (notwithstanding among his confederates, who stand by asbidders, they are run up beyond the real value, in order to catch aflat, ) that "the present bidding can never have paid the manufacturerfor his labour. "

In such places, various articles of silver, plate, glass and householdfurniture are exposed to sale, but generally made up of damagedmaterials, and slight workmanship of little intrinsic value, for theself-same purpose as the Razor-seller states--

 "Friend, (cried the Razor-man) I'm no knave; As for the razors you have bought, Upon my soul! I never thought That they would shave. "

 "Not shave!" quoth Hodge, with wond'ring eyes, And voice not much unlike an Indian yell; "What were they made for then, you dog?" he cries. "Made! (quoth the fellow with a smile) to sell. "

Passing the end of White Horse Yard--"Here, " continued Tom, "in thisyard and the various courts and alleys which lead into it, residenumerous Girls in the very lowest state of prostitution; and it isdangerous even in the day time to pass their habitations, at allevents very dangerous to enter any one of them. Do you see the crowdof squalid, half-clad and half-starved creatures that surround the oldwoman at the corner?--Observe, that young thing without a stocking isstealing along with a bottle in one hand and a gown in the other; she isgoing to put the latter _up the spout_{1} with her

 1 Up the spout, or up the five--Are synonimous in their import, and mean the act of pledging property with a Pawnbroker for the loan of money--most probably derived from the practice of having a long spout, which reaches from the top of the house of the Pawn-broker (where the goods are deposited for safety till redeemed or sold) to the shop, where they are first received; through which a small bag is dropped upon the ringing of a bell, which conveys the tickets or duplicates to a person above stairs, who, upon finding them, (unless too bulky) saves himself the trouble and loss of time of coming down stairs, by more readily conveying them down the spout. 

~367~~ accommodating _Uncle, _{1} in order to obtain a little of theenlivening juice of the juniper to fill the former. "

 1 Uncle, sometimes called the Ferrit, or the Flint--Cant terms for Pawnbroker, though many of these gentlemen now assume the more reputable appellation of Silversmiths. They are willing to lend money upon all sorts of articles of household furniture, linen, plate, wearing apparel, jewellery, &c. With a certainty of making a very handsome profit upon the money so circulated. 

 There are in this Metropolis upwards of two hundred and thirty Pawnbrokers, and in some cases they are a useful and serviceable class of people; and although doubtless many of them are honest and reputable persons, there are still among them a class of sharpers and swindlers, who obtain licences to carry on the business, and bring disgrace upon the respectable part of the profession. Every species of fraud which can add to the distresses of those who are compelled to raise temporary supplies of money is resorted to, and for which purpose there are abundance of opportunities. In many instances however the utility of these persons, in preventing a serious sacrifice of property, cannot be denied; for, by advancing to tradesmen and mechanics temporary loans upon articles of value at a period of necessity, an opportunity of redeeming them is afforded, when by their industrious exertions their circumstances are improved. Many of them however are receivers of stolen good. S, and, under cover of their licence, do much harm to the public. Indeed, the very easy mode of raising money by means of the Pawnbrokers, operates as an inducement, or at least an encouragement, to every species of vice. The fraudulent tradesman by their means is enabled to raise money on the goods of his creditors, the servant to pledge the property of his employer, and the idle or profligate mechanic to deposit his working tools, or his work in an unfinished state. Many persons in London are in the habit of pawning their apparel from Monday morning till Saturday night, when they are redeemed, in order to make a decent appearance on the next day. In low neighbourhoods, and among loose girls, much business is done by Pawnbrokers to good advantage; and considerable emolument is derived from women of the town. The articles they offer to pledge are generally of the most costly nature, and the pilferings of the night are usually placed in the hands of an Uncle the next morning; and the wary money-lenders, fully acquainted with their necessities, just lend what they please; by which means they derive a wonderful profit, from the almost certainty of these articles never being redeemed. 

 The secresy with which a Pawnbroker's business is conducted, though very proper for the protection of the honest and well-meaning part of the population, to shield them from an exposure which might perhaps prove fatal to their business or credit, admits of great room for fraud on the part of the Money-lender; more particularly as it respects the interest allowed upon the pawns. Many persons are willing to pay any charge made, rather than expose their necessities by appearing before a Magistrate, and acknowledging they have been concerned in such transactions. 

 Persons who are in the constant habit of pawning are generally known by the Pawnbrokers, in most instances governed by their will, and compelled to take and pay just what they please. Again, much injury arises from the want of care in the Pawnbroker to require a proper account, from the Pledgers, of the manner in which the goods offered have been obtained, as duplicates are commonly given upon fictitious names and residences. 

 Notwithstanding the care and attention usually paid to the examination of the articles received as pledges, these gentlemen are sometimes to be duped by their customers. We remember an instance of an elderly man, who was in the habit of bringing a Dutch clock frequently to a Pawnbroker to raise the wind, and for safety, generally left it in a large canvass bag, till he became so regular a customer, that his clock and bag were often left without inspection; and as it was seldom deposited for long together, it was placed in some handy nook of the shop in order to lie ready for redemption. This system having been carried on for some time, no suspicion was entertained of the old man. Upon one occasion however the Pawnbroker's olfactory nerves were saluted with a smell of a most unsavoury nature, for which he could by no means account--day after day passed, and no discovery was made, till at length he determined to overhaul every article in his shop, and if possible discover the source of a nuisance which appeared rather to increase than abate: in doing which, to his utter astonishment, he found the old man's Dutch clock trans-formed into a sheep's head, enclosed in a small box similar in shape and size to that of the clock. It will scarcely be necessary to add, that, being in the heat of summer, the sheep's head when turned out was in a putrid state, and as green as grass. The Pawn-broker declared the old gentleman's works were out of repair, that he himself was out of tune, and eventually pledged himself never to be so taken in again. After all, however, it must be acknowledged that my Uncle is a very accommodating man. 

 "My Uncle's the man, I've oft said it before, Who is ready and willing to open his door; Tho' some on the question may harbour a doubt, He's a mill to grind money, which I call a spout. Derry down. 

 He has three golden balls which hang over his door, Which clearly denote that my Uncle's not poor; He has money to lend, and he's always so kind, He will lend it to such as leave something behind. Derry down. 

 If to music inclin'd, there's no man can so soon Set the hooks of your gamut to excellent tune; All his tickets are prizes most carefully book'd, And your notes must be good, or you're presently hook'd. Derry down. 

 Shirts, shoes, and flat-irons, hats, towels, and ruffs, To him are the same as rich satins or stuffs; From the pillows you lay on, chairs, tables, or sacks, He'll take all you have, to the togs on your backs. Derry down. 

 Then ye who are needy, repair to your friend, Who is ready and willing your fortunes to mend; He's a purse full of rhino, and that's quite enough, Tho' short in his speech, he can shell out short stuff. Derry down. 

 What a blessing it is, in this place of renown To know that we have such an Uncle in town; In all cases, degrees, in all places and stations, 'Tis a good thing to know we've such friendly relations. Derry down. 

"Surely, " said Tallyho, "no person could possibly be inveigled by hercharms?"

~369~~ "They are not very blooming just now, " answered his Cousin--"youdo not see her in a right light. It is impossible to contemplatethe cases of these poor creatures without dropping a tear of pity. Originally seduced from a state of innocence, and eventually abandonedby their seducers, as well as their well-disposed parents or friends, they are left at an early age at large upon the world; loathed andavoided by those who formerly held them in estimation, what are they todo?--It is said by Shakespeare, that

"Sin will pluck on sin. "

They seem to have no alternative, but that of continuing in the practicewhich they once too fatally begun, in which the major part of them end ashort life of debauchery and wretchedness. 

"Exposed to the rude insults of the inebriated and the vulgar--theimpositions of brutal officers and watchmen--to the chilling blasts ofthe night during the most inclement weather, in thin apparel, partly incompliance with the fashion of the day, but more frequently from the

~370~~ Pawnbroker's shop rendering their necessary garmentsinaccessible, diseases (where their unhappy vocation does not producethem) are thus generated. 

"Many are the gradations from the highest degree of prostitution downto the trulls that parade the streets by day, and one or two moresteps still include those who keep out all night. Some of the miserableinhabitants of this quarter are night-birds, who seldom leave their bedsduring the day, except to refresh themselves with a drop of Old Tom; butas the evening approaches, their business commences, when you will seethem decked out like fine ladies, for there are _coves of cases_, {1} andothers in the vicinity of the Theatres, who live by letting out dressesfor the evening, where they may be accommodated from a camesa{2} to arichly embroidered full-dress court suit, under the care of spies, whoare upon the look-out that they don't brush off with the stock. Others, again, are boarded and lodged by the owners of houses of ill-fame, keptas dirty and as ragged as beggars all day, but who, "Dress'd out at night, cut a figure. "

It however not unfrequently happens to those unhappy Girls who have notbeen successful in their pursuits, and do not bring home with them thewages of their prostitution, that they are sent to bed without supper, and sometimes get a good beating into the bargain; besides which, theMistress of the house takes care to search them immediately after theyare left by their gallants, by which means they are deprived of everyshilling. "

Approaching the City, they espied a crowd of persons assembled togetherround the door of Money the perfumer. Upon inquiring, a species ofdepreciation was exposed, which had not yet come under their view. 

It appeared that a note, purporting to come from a gentleman at theTavistock Hotel, desiring Mr. Money to wait on him to take measure ofhis cranium for a fashionable peruke, had drawn him from home, and thatduring his absence, a lad, in breathless haste, as if dispatched by theprincipal, entered the shop, stating that Sir. Money wanted a wig whichwas in the window, with some combs and hair-brushes, for the Gentleman'sinspection, and also a pot of his Circassian cream. The bait took, thearticles

 1 Coves of cases--Keepers of houses of ill fame. 

 2 Camesa--A shirt or shift. 

~371~~ were packed up, and the wily cheat had made good his retreatbefore the return of the coiffeur, who was not pleased with beingseduced from his home by a hoaxing letter, and less satisfied to findthat his property was diminished in his absence by the successfulartifices of a designing villain. This tale having got wind in theneighbourhood, persons were flocking round him to advise as to the modeof pursuit, and many were entertaining each other by relations of asimilar nature; but our heroes having their friend Merrywell in view (orrather his interest) made the best of their way to the Lock-up-house. 

CHAPTER XXIII

 "The world its trite opinion holds of those That in a world apart these bars enclose; And thus methinks some sage, whose wisdom frames Old saws anew, complacently exclaims, Debt is like death--it levels all degrees; Their prey with death's fell grasp the bailiffs seize. "

ON entering the Lock-up House, Bob felt a few uneasy sensations athearing the key turned. The leary Bum-trap ushered the Gemmen up stairs, while Tallyho was endeavouring to compose his agitated spirits, andreconcile himself to the prospect before him, which, at the moment, wasnot of the most cheering nature. 

"What, my gay fellow, " said Merry well, "glad to see you--was just goingto scribble a line to inform you of my disaster. Zounds! you look asmelancholy as the first line of an humble petition, or the author of anew piece the day after its damnation. "

"In truth, " replied Bob, "this is no place to inspire a man with highspirits. "

"That's as it may be, " rejoined Merry well; "a man with money in hispocket may see as much Real Life in London within these walls as thosewho ramble at large through the mazes of what is termed liberty. "

"But, " continued Tom, "it must be admitted that the views are morelimited. "

"By no means, " was the reply. "Here a man is at perfect liberty tocontemplate and cogitate without fear of being agitated. Here he maytrace over past recollections, and enjoy future anticipations free fromthe noise and bustle of crowded streets, or the fatigue of attendingfashionable routs, balls, and assemblies. Besides which, it forms soimportant a part of Life in London, that few without a residence ina place of this kind can imagine its utility. It invigorates genius, concentrates ingenuity, and stimulates invention. "

~373~~ "Hey dey!" said Tallyho, looking out of the window, andperceiving a dashing tandem draw up to the door--"who have we here? somehigh company, no doubt. "

"Yes, you are right; that man in the great coat, who manages his cattlewith such dexterity, is no other than the king of the castle. He isthe major domo, or, in other words, the Bailiff himself. That short, stout-looking man in boots and buckskins, is his assistant, vulgarlycalled his Bum. {1} The other is a Gentleman desirous of lodging ina genteel neighbourhood, and is recommended by them to take up hisresidence here. "

"What, " inquired Bob, "do Bailiffs drive gigs and tandems?"

"To be sure they do, " was the reply; "formerly they were low-bredfellows, who would undertake any dirty business for a maintenance, asyou will see them represented in the old prints and caricatures, muffledup in Îreat coats, and carrying bludgeons; but, in present Real life, you will find them quite the reverse, unless they find it necessaryto assume a disguise in order to nibble a queer cove who proves shy oftheir company'; but among Gentlemen, none are so stylish, and at thesame time so accommodating--you are served with the process in aprivate and elegant way, and if not convenient to come to an immediatearrangement, a gig is ready in the highest taste, to convey you fromyour habitation to your place of retirement, and you may pass throughthe most crowded streets of the city, and recognise your friends, without fear of suspicion. Upon some occasions, they will also carrytheir politeness so far as to inform an individual he will be wantedon such a day, and must come--a circumstance which has the effect ofpreventing any person from knowing the period of departure, or the placeof destination; consequently, the arrested party is gone out of town fora few days, and the matter all blows over without any injury sustained. This is the third time since I have been in the house that the tandemhas started from the door, and returned with a new importation. "

By this time, the gig having been discharged of its cargo, wasreascended by the Master and his man, and bowl'd off again in gay stylefor the further accommodation of fashionable friends, whose society wasin such high

 1 See Bum-trap), page 166. 

~374~~ estimation, that no excuse or denial could avail, and who beingso urgently wanted, must come. 

"'Tis a happy age we live in, " said Merry well; "the improvements areevident enough; every thing is done with so much facility and gentility, that even the race of bailiffs are transformed from frightful andferocious-looking persons to the most dashing, polite and accommodatingcharacters in the world. He however, like others, must have hisassistant, and occasional substitute. 

"A man in this happy era is really of no use whatever to himself. Itis a principle on which every body, that is any body, acts, that no oneshould do any thing for himself, if he can procure another to do it forhim. Accordingly, there is hardly the most simple performance in naturefor the more easy execution of which an operator or machine of somekind' or other is not employed or invented; and a man who has had themisfortune to lose, or chuses not to use any of his limbs or senses, may meet with people ready to perform all their functions for him, fromparing his nails and cutting his corns, to forming an opinion. No mancleans his own teeth who can afford to pay a dentist; and hundreds gettheir livelihood by shaving the chins and combing the hair of theirneighbours, though many, it must be admitted, comb their neighbour'slocks for nothing. The powers of man and the elements of nature even areset aside, the use of limbs and air being both superseded by steam; inshort, every thing is done by proxy--death not excepted, for we are toldthat our soldiers and sailors die for us. Marriage in certain ranks ison this footing. A prince marries by proxy, and sometimes lives forever after as if he thought all the obligations of wedlock were to beperformed in a similar manner. A nobleman, it is true, will here takethe trouble to officiate in the first instance in person; but there areplenty of cases to shew that nothing is further from his noble mind thanthe idea of continuing his slavery, while others can be found to takethe labour off his hands. So numerous are the royal roads to everydesideratum, and so averse is every true gentleman from doing any thingfor himself, that it is to be dreaded lest it should grow impolite tochew one's own victuals; and we are aware that there are great numberswho, not getting their share of Heaven's provision, may be said tosubmit to have their food eat for them. "

~375~~ Tallyho laugh'd, and Dashall signified his assent to thewhimsical observations of Merrywell, by a shrug of the shoulders and anapproving smile. 

"Apropos, " said Merrywell--"what is the news of our friend Sparkle?"

"O, (replied Tom) he is for trying a chance in the Lottery of Life, andhas perhaps by this time gained the prize of Matrimony:{1} but what partof the globe he inhabits it is impossible for me to say--however, he iswith Miss Mortimer probably on the road to Gretna. "

"Success to his enterprise, " continued Merrywell; "and if they aredestined to travel through life together, may they have thumping luckand pretty children. Marriage to some is a bitter cup of continuedmisery--may the reverse be his lot. "

"Amen, " responded Dashall. 

"By the way, " said Merrywell, "I hope you will favour me with yourcompany for the afternoon, and I doubt not we shall start some gamewithin these walls well worthy of pursuit; and as I intend to remove tomore commodious apartments within a day or two, I shall certainly expectto have a visit from you during my abode in the county of Surrey. "

"Going to College?" inquired Tom. 

"Yes; I am off upon a sporting excursion for a month or two, and Ihave an idea of making it yield both pleasure and profit. An occasionalresidence in Abbot's Park is one of the necessary measures for thecompletion of a Real Life in London education. It is a fashionableretreat absolutely necessary, and therefore I have voluntarilydetermined upon it. What rare advice a young man may pick up in theprecincts of the Fleet and

1 It has often been said figuratively, that marriage is a lottery; butwe do not recollect to have met with a practical illustration of thetruth of the simile before the following, which is a free translation ofan Advertisement in the Louisiana Gazette:--

 "A young man of good figure and disposition, unable though "desirous to procure a Wife without the preliminary trouble of "amassing a fortune, proposes the following expedient to obtain the "object of his wishes:--He offers himself as the prize of a Lottery "to all Widows and Virgins under 32: the number of tickets to be "600 at 50 dollars each; but one number to be drawn from the "wheel, the fortunate proprietor of which is to be entitled to "himself and the 30, 000 dollars. "--New York, America. 

~376~~ the King's Bench! He may soon learn the art of sharp-shooting andskirmishing. "

"And pray, " says Tallyho, "what do you term skirmishing?"

"I will tell you, " was the reply. "When you have got as deeply in debtevery where as you can, you may still remain on the town as a Sunday-manfor a brace of years, and with good management perhaps longer. Nextyou may toddle off to Scotland for another twelvemonth, and live in thesanctuary of Holyrood House, after seeing the North, where writs willnot arrive in time to touch you. When tired of this, and in debt even inthe sanctuary, and when you have worn out all your friends by borrowingof them to support you in style there, you can brush off on a Sunday tothe Isle of Man, where you are sure to meet a parcel of blades who willbe glad of your company if you are but a pleasant fellow. Here you maylive awhile upon them, and get in debt (if you can, for the Manx-menhave very little faith, ) in the Island. From this, you must lastlyeffect your escape in an open boat, and make your appearance in Londonas a new face. Here you will find some flats of your acquaintance veryglad to see you, even if you are indebted to them, from the pleasuresof recollection accruing from past scenes of jollity and merriment. You must be sure to amuse them with a good tale of a law-suit, or thedeclining health of a rich old Uncle, from either of which you arecertain of deriving a second fortune. Now manage to get arrested, andyou will find some, who believe your story, ready to bail you. You canthen put off these actions for two years more, and afterwards make avirtue of surrendering yourself in order to relieve your friends, who ofcourse will begin to be alarmed, and feel so grateful for this supposedmark of propriety, that they will support you for a while in prison, until you get white-washed. In all this experience, and with such a longlist of acquaintances, it will be hard if some will not give you a liftat getting over your difficulties. Then you start again as a nominalLand-surveyor, Money-scrivener, Horse-dealer, or as a Sleeping-partnerin some mercantile concern--such, for instance, as coals, wine, &c. Yourpopularity and extensive acquaintance will get your Partner a numberof customers, and then if you don't succeed, you have only to become aBankrupt, secure your certificate, and start free again in some otherline. Then ~377~~ there are other good chances, for a man may marry onceor twice. Old or sickly women are best suited for the purpose, and theirfortunes will help you for a year or two at least, if only a thousand ortwo pounds. Lastly, make up a purse» laugh at the flats, and finish onthe Continent. "

"Very animated description indeed, " cried Dashall, "and salutary advice, truly. "

"Too good to be lost, " continued Merrywell. 

"And yet rather too frequently acted on, it is to be feared. "

"Probably so--"

"But mark me, this is fancy's sketch, " and may perhaps appear a littletoo highly coloured; but if you remain with me, we will clip deeper intothe reality of the subject by a little information from the officialpersonage himself, who holds dominion over these premises; and we mayperhaps also find some agreeable and intelligent company in his house. "

This proposition being agreed to, and directions given accordingly byMerrywell to prepare dinner, our party gave loose to opinions of life, observations on men and mariners, exactly as they presented themselvesto the imagination of each speaker, and Merrywell evidently provedhimself a close observer of character. 

"Places like this, " said he, "are generally inhabited by the profligateof fashion, the ingenious artist, or the plodding mechanic. The firstis one who cares not who suffers, so he obtains a discharge from hisincumberances: having figured away for some time in the labyrinths offolly and extravagance, till finding the needful run taper, he yieldsto John Doe and Richard Roe as a matter of course, passes through hisdegrees in the study of the laws by retiring to the Fleet or King'sBench, and returns to the world with a clean face, and an increasedstock of information to continue his career. The second are men whohave heads to contrive and hands to execute improvements in scientificpursuits, probably exhausting their time, their health, and theirproperty, in the completion of their projects, but who are impeded intheir progress, and compelled to finish their intentions in durancevile, by the rapacity of their creditors. And the last are personssubjected to all the casualties of trade and the arts of the former, andunable to meet the peremptory demands of ~378~~ those they are indebtedto; but they seldom inhabit these places long, unless they can paywell for their accommodations. Money is therefore as useful in alock-up-house or a prison as in any other situation of life. 

"Money, with the generality of people, is every thing; it is theuniversal Talisman; there is magic in its very name. It ameliorates allthe miserable circumstances of life, and the sound of it may almost betermed life itself. It is the balm, the comfort, and the restorative. It must indeed be truly mortifying to the opulent, to observe that theattachment of their dependents, and even the apparent esteem of theirfriends, arises from the respect paid to riches. The vulgar herd bowwith reverence and respect before the wealthy; but it is in factthe money, and not the individual, which they worship. Doubtless, aphilosophic Tallow-chandler would hasten from the contemplation of thestarry heavens to vend a farthing rushlight; and it therefore cannotbe wondered at that the Sheriffs-officer, who serves you with a writbecause you have not money enough to discharge the just demands againstyou, should determine at least to get as much as he can out of you, and, when he finds your resources exhausted, that he should remove you to thecommon receptacle of debtors; which however cannot be done to your ownsatisfaction without some money; for if you wish a particular place ofresidence, or the most trifling accommodation, there are fees to pay, even on entering a prison. "

"In that case then, " said Tallyho, "a man is actually obliged to pay forgoing to a prison. "

"Precisely so, unless he is willing to mingle with the very lowest orderof society. But come, we will walk into the Coffee-room, and take a viewof the inmates. "

Upon entering this, which was a small dark room, they heard a greatnumber of voices, and in one corner found several of the prisonerssurrounding a Bagatelle-board, and playing for porter, ale, &c; inanother corner was a young man in close conversation with anAttorney; and a little further distant, was a hard-featured man takinginstructions from the Turnkey how to act. Here was a poor Player, whodeclared he would take the benefit of the Act, and afterwards take abenefit at the Theatre to reestablish himself. There a Poet rackinghis imagination, and roving amidst the flowers of fancy, giving a fewtouches by way of finish to an Ode to Liberty, with the ~379~~ produceof which he indulged himself in a hope of obtaining the subject of hisMuse. The conversation was of a mingled nature. The vociferations of theBagatelle-players--the whispers of the Attorney and his Client--and thedeclarations of the prisoner to the Turnkey, "That he would be d------dif he did not sarve 'em out, and floor the whole boiling of them, "were now and then interrupted by the notes of a violin playing the mostlively airs in an animated and tasteful style. The Performer however wasnot visible, but appeared to be so near, that Merrywell, who was a greatlover of music, beckoned his friends to follow him. They now entered asmall yard at the back of the house, the usual promenade of those whoresided in it, and found the Musician seated on one of the benches, which were continued nearly round the yard, and which of itself formeda panorama of rural scenery. Here was the bubbling cascade and the loftyfountain--there the shady grove of majestic poplars, and the meanderingstream glittering in the resplendent lustre of a rising sun. The wavingfoliage however and the bubbling fountain were not to be seen or heard, (as these beauties were only to be contemplated in the labours of thepainter;) but to make up for the absence of these with the harmonyof the birds and the ripplings of the stream, the Musician wasendeavouring, like an Arcadian shepherd with his pipe, to make thewoods resound with the notes of his fiddle, surrounded by some of hisfellow-prisoners, who did not fail to applaud his skill and reward hiskindness, by supplying him with rosin, as they termed it, which was byhanding him the heavy-wet as often as they found his elbow at rest. Inone place was to be seen a Butcher, who upon his capture was visited byhis wife with a child in her arms, upon whom the melody seemed to haveno effect. She was an interesting and delicate-looking woman, whoseagitation of spirits upon so melancholy an occasion were evidenced bystreaming tears from a pair of lovely dark eyes; and the Butcher, asevidently forgetful of his usual calling, was sympathising with, andendeavouring to soothe her into composure, and fondling the child. Inanother, a person who had the appearance of an Half-pay Officer, withHessian boots, blue pantaloons, and a black silk handkerchief, sat withhis arms folded almost without taking notice of what was passing aroundhim, though a rough Sailor with a pipe in his mouth occasionally ~380~~enlivened the scene by accompanying the notes of the Musician with acharacteristic dance, which he termed a Horn-spike. 

It was a fine scene of Real Life, and after taking a few turns in thegardens of the Lock-up or Sponging-house, they returned to Merrywell'sapartments, which they had scarcely entered, when the tandem drew up tothe door. 

"More company, " said Merry well. 

"And perhaps the more the merrier, " replied Tom. 

"That is as it may prove, " was the reply; "for the company of thishouse ace as various at times as can be met with in any other situation. However, this appears to wear the form of one of our fashionable, high-life Gentlemen; but appearances are often deceitful, we shallperhaps hear more of him presently--he may turn out to be one of theprodigals who calculate the duration of life at about ten years, thatis, to have a short life and a merry one. "

"That seems to me to be rather a short career, too, " exclaimed Bob. 

"Nay, nay, that is a long calculation, for it frequently cannot be madeto last half the number. In the first place, the Pupil learns every kindof extravagance, which he practises en maitre the two next years. Thesemake an end of his fortune. He lives two more on credit, establishedwhile his property lasted. The next two years he has a letter oflicence, and contrives to live by ways and means (for he has growncomparatively knowing. ) Then he marries, and the wife has the honourof discharging his debts, her fortune proving just sufficient for thepurpose. Then he manages to live a couple of years more on credit, andretires to one of his Majesty's prisons. "

By this time Mr. Safebind made his appearance, and with great politenessinquired if the Gentlemen were accommodated in the way they wished?Upon being assured of this, and requested to take a seat, after someintroductory conversation, he gave them the following account of himselfand his business:--

"We have brought nine Gemmen into the house this morning; and, though Isay it, no Gemman goes out that would have any objection to come into itagain. "

Tallyho shrugg'd up his shoulders in a way that seemed to imply a doubt. 

~381~~ "For, " continued he, "a Gemman that is a Gemman shall always findgenteel treatment here. I always acts upon honour and secrecy; and if ashow a Gemman can't bring his affairs into a comfortable shape here, whythen he is convey'd away without exposure, that is, if he understandsthings. "

With assurances of this kind, the veracity of which no one present coulddoubt, they were entertained for some time by their loquacious Host, who, having the gift of the gab, {1} would probably have continued longin the same strain of important information; when dinner was placed onthe table, and they fell to with good appetites, seeming almost to havemade use of the customary grace among theatricals. {2}

"The table cleared, the frequent glass goes round, And joke and song andmerriment abound. "

"Your house, " said Dashall, "might well be termed the Temple of theArts, since their real votaries are so frequently its inhabitants. "

"Very true, Sir, " said Safebind, "and as the Poet observes, it is asoften graced by the presence of the devotees to the Sciences: in pointof company he says we may almost call it multum in parvo, or the CameraObscura of Life. There are at this time within these walls, a learnedAlchymist, two Students in Anatomy, and a Physician--a Poet, a Player, and a Musician. The Player is an adept at mimicry, the Musician a goodplayer, and the Poet no bad stick at a rhyme; all anxious to turn theirtalents to good account, and, when mingled together, productiveof harmony, though the situation they are in at present is ratherdiscordant to their feelings; but then you know 'tis said, that discordis the soul of harmony, and they knocked up a duet among themselvesyesterday, which I thought highly amusing. "

"I am fond of music, " said Merry well--"do you think they would take aglass of wine with us?"

 1 Gift of the gab--Fluency of speech. 

 2 It is a very common thing among the minor theatricals, when detained at rehearsals, &c. To adjourn to some convenient room in the neighbourhood for refreshment, and equally common for them to commence operations in a truly dramatic way, by ex-claiming to each other in the language of Shakespeare, "Come on, Macbeth--come on, Macduff, And d-----d be he who first cries--hold, enough. "

~382~~ "Most readily, no doubt, " was the reply. "I will introduce themin a minute. " Thus saying, he left the room, and in a very few minutesreturned with the three votaries of Apollo, who soon joined in theconversation upon general subjects. The Player now discovered hisloquacity; the Poet his sagacity; and the Musician his pertinacity, for he thought no tones so good as those produced by himself, nor nonotes--we beg pardon, none but bank notes--equal to his own. 

It will be sufficient for our present purpose to add, that thebottle circulated 'quickly, and what with the songs of the Poet, therecitations of the Player, and the notes of the Fiddler, time, whichperfects all intellectual ability, and also destroys the most stupendousmonuments of art, brought the sons of Apollo under the table, andadmonished Dashall and his Cousin to depart; which they accordinglydid, after a promise to see their friend Merry well in his intended newquarters. ~383~~

CHAPTER XXIV

 "All nations boast some men of nobler mind, Their scholars, heroes, benefactors kind: And Britain has her share among the rest, Of men the wisest, boldest and the best: Yet we of knaves and fools have ample share, And eccentricities beyond compare. Full many a life is spent, and many a purse, In mighty nothings, or in something worse. "

THE next scene which Tom was anxious to introduce to his Cousin'snotice was that of a Political Dinner; but while they were preparing fordeparture, a letter arrived which completely satisfied the mind of theHon. Tom Dashall as to the motives and views of their friend Sparkle, and ran as follows:

"Dear Dashall, "Having rivetted the chains of matrimony on the religious anvil ofGretna Green, I am now one of the happiest fellows in existence. My election is crowned with success, and I venture to presume allafter-petitions will be rejected as frivolous and vexatious. The oncelovely Miss Mortimer is now the ever to be loved Mrs. Sparkle. I shallnot now detain your attention by an account of our proceedings oradventures on the road: we shall have many more convenient opportunitiesof indulging in such details when we meet, replete as I can assure youthey are with interest. 

"I have written instructions to my agent in town for the immediatedisposal of my paternal estate in Wiltshire, and mean hereafter to takeup my abode on one I have recently purchased in the neighbourhood ofBelville Hall, where I anticipate many pleasurable opportunitiesof seeing you and our friend Tallyho surrounding my hospitable and(hereafter) family board. We shall be there within a month, as we meanto reach our place of destination by easy stages, and look about us. 

"Please remember me to all old friends in Town, and believe as ever, Your's truly, "Charles Sparkle. "

"Carlisle. "

~384 ~~ The receipt of this letter and its contents were immediatelycommunicated to young Mortimer, who had already received someintelligence of a similar nature, which had the effect of allayingapprehension and dismissing fear for his Sister's safety. The mysteriouscircumstances were at once explained, and harmony was restored to thepreviously agitated family. 

"I am truly glad of this information, " said Tom, "and as we are atpresent likely to be politically engaged, we cannot do less than take abumper or two after dinner, to the health and happiness of the Candidatewho so emphatically observes, he has gained his election, and, in thetrue language of every Patriot, declares he is the happiest man alive, notwithstanding the rivets by which he is bound. "

"You are inclined to be severe, " said Tallyho. 

"By no means, " replied Dashall; "the language of the letter certainlyseems a little in consonance with my observation, but I am sincere in mygood wishes towards the writer and his amiable wife. Come, we must nowtake a view of other scenes, hear long speeches, drink repeated bumpers, and shout with lungs of leather till the air resounds with peals ofapprobation. 

"We shall there see and hear the great men of the nation, Or at leastwho are such in their own estimation. "

 "Great in the name a patriot father bore, Behold a youth of promise boldly soar, Outstrip his fellows, clamb'ring height extreme, And reach to eminence almost supreme. With well-worn mask, and virtue's fair pretence, And all the art of smooth-tongued eloquence, He talks of wise reform, of rights most dear, Till half the nation thinks the man sincere. "

"Hey day, " said Tallyho, "who do you apply this to?"

"Those who find the cap fit may wear it, " was the reply--"

I leave it wholly to the discriminating few who can discover whatbelongs to themselves, without further comment. "

~385~~ By this time they had arrived at the Crown and Anchor Tavern, inthe Strand, where they found a great number of persons assembled, SirF. B------ having been announced as President. In a few minutes he wasushered into the room with all due pomp and ceremony, preceded bythe Stewards for the occasion, and accompanied by a numerous body offriends, consisting of Mr. H------, Major C------, and others, thoughnot equally prominent, equally zealous. During dinner time all went onsmoothly, except in some instances, where the voracity of some ofthe visitors almost occasioned a chopping off the fingers of theirneighbours; but the cloth once removed, and 'Non nobis Domine' sung byprofessional Gentlemen, had the effect of calling the attention of thecompany to harmony. The Band in the orchestra played, 'O give me Deathor Liberty'--'Erin go brach'--'Britons strike home'--and 'Whilst happyin my native Land. ' The Singers introduced 'Scots wha hae wi' Wallacebled'--'Peruvians wake to Glory'--and the 'Tyrolese Hymn. ' But thespirit of oratory, enlivened by the fire of the bottle, exhibited itsilluminating sparks in a blaze of lustre which eclipsed even the gaslights by which they were surrounded; so much so, that the Waitersthemselves became confused, and remained stationary, or, when theymoved, were so dazzled by the patriotic effusions of the variousSpeakers, that they fell over each other, spilt the wine in the pocketsof the company, and, by making afterwards a hasty retreat, left them tofight or argue between each other for supposed liberties taken even bytheir immediate friends. 

[Illustration: page385 Political Dinner]

Unbridled feelings of patriotic ardour appeared to pervade every onepresent; and what with the splendid oratory of the speakers, and thedeafening vociferations of the hearers, at the conclusion of whatwas generally considered a good point, a sufficient indication of thefeelings by which they were all animated was evinced. 

At the lower end of the table sat a facetious clerical Gentleman, who, unmindful of his ministerial duties, was loud in his condemnation ofministers, and as loud in his approbation of those who gave them whathe repeatedly called a good hit. But here a subject of great laughteroccurred; for Mr. Marrowfat, the Pea-merchant of Covent-Garden, and Mr. Barrowbed, the Feathermonger of Drury Lane, in their zeal for the goodcause, arising at the same moment, big with ardour and sentiment, toaddress the ~386~~ Chair on a subject of the most momentous importancein their consideration, and desirous to signalize themselvesindividually, so completely defeated their objects by over anxiety togain precedence, that they rolled over each other on the floor, to theinexpressible amusement of the company, and the total obliteration oftheir intended observations; so much so, that the harangue meant toenlighten their friends, ended in a fine colloquy of abuse upon eachother. 

The bottles, the glasses, and the other paraphernalia of the tablesuffered considerable diminution in the descent of these modern Ciceros, and a variety of speakers arising upon their downfall, created so muchconfusion, that our Heroes, fearing it would be some time before harmonycould be restored, took up their hats and walked. 

"Now, " said Dashall, as they left the house, "you have had a fullview of the pleasantries of a Political Dinner; and having seen thecharacters by which such an entertainment is generally attended, anyfurther account of them is almost rendered useless. "

"At least, " replied Tallyho, "I have been gratified by the view of someof the leading men who contribute to fill up the columns of your LondonNewspapers. "

"Egad!" said his Cousin, "now I think of it, there is a tine opportunityof amusing ourselves for the remainder of the evening by a peep atanother certain house in Westminster: whether it may be assimilated, inpoint of character or contents, to what we have just witnessed, I shallleave you, after taking a review, to determine. "

"What do you mean?" inquired Tallyho. 

"Charley's, my boy, that's the place for sport, something in the oldstyle. The Professors there are all of the ancient school, and we shalljust be in time for the first Lecture. It is a school of science, andthough established upon the ancient construction, is highly suitable tothe taste of the moderns. "

"Zounds!" replied Bob, "our heads are hardly in cue for philosophy afterso much wine and noise; we had better defer it to another opportunity. "

"Nay, nay, now's the very time for it--it will revive the recollectionof some of your former sports;

 For, midst our luxuries be it understood, Some traits remain of rugged hardihood. "

~387~~ Charley is a good caterer for the public appetite, and, todiversify the amusements of a Life in London, we will have a littlechaff among the Bear-baiters. "

Tally-ho stared for a moment; then burst into laughter at the curiousintroduction his Cousin had given to this subject. "I have longperceived your talent for embellishment, but certainly was not preparedfor the conclusion; but you ought rather to have denominated themStudents in Natural History. "

"And what is that but a branch of Philosophy?" inquired Dashall. "However, we are discussing points of opinion rather than hastening tothe scene of action to become judges of facts--Allons. "

Upon saying this, they moved forward with increased celerity towardsTothill-fields, and soon reached their proposed place of destination. 

On entering, Tallyho was reminded by his Cousin to button up histoggery, keep his ogles in action, and be awake. "For, " said he, "youwill here have to mingle with some of the queer Gills and rum Covies ofall ranks. "

This advice being taken, they soon found themselves in this temple oftorment, where Bob surveyed a motly group assembled, and at that momentengaged in the sports of the evening. The generality of the company borethe appearance of Butchers, Dog-fanciers and Ruffians, intermingledhere and there with a few Sprigs of Fashion, a few Corinthian Sicells, Coster-mongers, Coal-heavers, Watermen, Soldiers, and Livery-servants. 

[Illustration: page387 The Country Squire]

The bear was just then pinn'd by a dog belonging to a real lover of thegame, who, with his shirt-sleeves tuck'd up, declared he was a d------dgood one, and nothing but a good one, so help him G------d. This dog, atthe hazard of his life, had seized poor Bruin by the under lip, whosent forth a tremendous howl indicative of his sufferings, and wasendeavouring to give him a fraternal hug; many other dogs were barkingaloud with anxiety to take an active share in the amusement, while thebear, who was chained by the neck to a staple in the wall, and compelledto keep an almost erect posture, shook his antagonist with all the furyof madness produced by excessive torture. In the mean time bets weremade and watches pull'd forth, to decide how long the bow-wow wouldbother the ragged Russian. The Dog-breeders were chaffing each otherupon the value of their canine property, each holding his ~388~~brother-puppy between his legs, till a fair opportunity for a let-looseoffered, and many wagers were won and lost in a short space of time. Bobremained a silent spectator; while his Cousin, who was better up to thegossip, mixt with the hard-featured sportsmen, inquired the names oftheir dogs, what prices were fix'd upon, when they had fought last, andother questions equally important to amateurs. 

Bruin got rid of his customers in succession as they came up to him, and when they had once made a seizure, it was generally by a hug whichalmost deprived them of life, at least it took from them the power ofcontinuing their hold; but his release from one was only the signal forattack from another. 

While this exhibition continued, Tom could not help calling his Cousin'sattention to an almost bald-headed man, who occupied a front seat, andsat with his dog, which was something of the bull breed, between hislegs, while the paws of the animal rested on the top rail, and whichforcibly brought to his recollection the well-known anecdote of Garrickand the Butcher's dog with his master's wig on, while the greasycarcass-dealer was wiping the perspiration from his uncoveredpericranium. 

Bob, who had seen a badger-bait, and occasionally at fairs in thecountry a dancing bear, had never before seen a bear-bait, stood up mostof the time, observing those around him, and paying attention to theirproceedings while entertaining sentiments somewhat similar to thefollowing lines:--

 "What boisterous shouts, what blasphemies obscene, What eager movements urge each threatening mien! Present the spectacle of human kind, Devoid of feeling--destitute of mind; With ev'ry dreadful passion rous'd to flame, All sense of justice lost and sense of shame. "

When Charley the proprietor thought his bear was sufficiently exercisedfor the night, he was led to his den, lacerated and almost lamed, torecover of his wounds, with an intention that he should "fight hisbattles o'er again. " Meanwhile Tom and Bob walk'd homeward. 

The next day having been appointed for the coronation of our mostgracious Sovereign, our friends were off at an early hour in themorning, to secure their seats in ~389~~ Westminster Hall; and on theirway they met the carriage of our disappointed and now much lamentedQueen, her endeavours to obtain admission to the Abbey having provedfruitless. 

 "Oh that the Monarch had as firmly stood In all his acts to serve the public good, As in that moment of heartfelt joy That firmness acted only to destroy A nation's hope--to every heart allied, Who lived in sorrow, and lamented died!"

It was a painful circumstance to Dashall, who was seldom severe in hisjudgments, or harsh in his censures. He regretted its occurrence, and itoperated in some degree to rob a splendid ceremony of its magnificence, and to sever from royalty half its dignity. 

The preparations however were arranged upon a scale of grandeur suitedto the occasion. The exterior of Westminster Hall and Abbey presenteda most interesting appearance. Commodious seats were erected for theaccommodation of spectators to view the procession in its moving order, and were thronged with thousands of anxious subjects to greet theirSovereign with demonstrations of loyalty and love. 

It was certainly a proud day of national festivity. The firing of gunsand the ringing of bells announced the progress of the Coronation inits various stages to completion; and in the evening Hyde Park wasbrilliantly and tastefully illuminated, and an extensive range ofexcellent fireworks were discharged under the direction of Sir WilliamCongreve. We must however confine ourselves to that which came under theview of the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin, who, being seated inthe Hall, had a fine opportunity of witnessing the banquet, and thechallenge of the Champion. 

A flooring of wood had been laid down in the Hall at an elevation offourteen inches above the flags. Three tiers of galleries were erectedon each side, covered with a rich and profuse scarlet drapery fallingfrom a cornice formed of a double row of gold-twisted rope, andornamented with a succession of magnificent gold pelmets and rosettes. The front of the door which entered from the passage without, wascovered with a curtain of scarlet, trimmed with deep gold fringe, andlooped up on each side with ~390~~ silken ropes. The floor, and to theextremity of the first three steps of the Throne, was covered with asplendid Persian-pattern Wilton carpet, and the remainder of the stepswith scarlet baize. 

The canopy of the throne, which was square, was surrounded by abeautiful carved and gilt cornice, prepared by Mr. Evans. Beneath thecornice hung a succession of crimson-velvet pelmet drapery, each pelmethaving embroidered upon it a rose, a thistle, a crown, or a harp. Surmounting the cornice in front was a gilt crown upon a velvet cushion, over the letters "Geo. IV. " supported on each side by an antique giltornament. The entire back of the throne, as well as the interior of thecanopy, were covered with crimson Genoa velvet, which was relieved by atreble row of broad and narrow gold lace which surrounded the whole. In the centre of the back were the royal arms, the lion and the unicornrampant, embroidered in the most costly style. Under this stood thechair of state, and near the throne were six splendid chairs placed forthe other members of the royal family. These decorations, and the Hallbeing splendidly illuminated, presented to the eye a spectacle ofthe most imposing nature, heightened by the brilliant assemblage ofelegantly dressed personages. The Ladies universally wore ostrichfeathers, and the Gentlemen were attired in the most sumptuous dresses. 

[Illustration: page390 Grand Coronation Dinner]

About four o'clock, his Majesty having gone through the other fatiguingceremonies of the day, entered the Hall with the crown upon his head, and was greeted with shouts of "Long live the King!" from all quarters;shortly after which, the banquet was served by the necessary officers. But that part of the ceremony which most attracted the attention ofTallyho, was the challenge of the Champion, whose entrance was announcedby the sound of the trumpets thrice; and who having proceeded on abeautiful horse in a full suit of armour, under the porch of a triumphalarch, attended by the Duke of Wellington on his right, and the DeputyEarl Marshal on his left, to the place assigned him, the challenge wasread aloud by the Herald: he then threw down his gauntlet, which havinglain a short time, was returned to him. This ceremony was repeated threetimes; when he drank to his Majesty, and received the gold cup and coveras his fee. 

~391~~ The whole of this magnificent national pageant was conductedthroughout with the most scrupulous attention to the customary etiquetteof such occasions; and Tallyho, who had never witnessed any thing of thekind before, and consequently could have no conception of its splendour, was at various parts of the ceremony enraptured; he fancied himselfin Fairy-land, and that every thing he saw and heard was the effect ofenchantment. Our friends returned home highly gratified with their day'samusement. 

CHAPTER XXV

 "Behold the Ring! how strange the group appears Of dirty blackguards, commoners and peers; Jews, who regard not Moses nor his laws, All ranks of Christians eager in the cause. What eager bets--what oaths at every breath, Who first shall shrink, or first be beat to death. Thick fall the blows, and oft the boxers fall, While deaf'ning shouts for fresh exertions call; Till, bruised and blinded, batter'd sore and maim'd, One gives up vanquish'd, and the other lam'd. Say, men of wealth! say what applause is due For scenes like these, when patronised by you? These are your scholars, who in humbler way, But with less malice, at destruction play. You, like game cocks, strike death with polish'd steel; They, dung-hill-bred, use only nature's heel; They fight for something--you for nothing fight; They box for love, but you destroy in spite. "

~392 ~~ THE following Tuesday having been appointed by the knowing onesfor a pugilistic encounter between Jack Randall, commonly called theNonpareil, and Martin, as well known by the appellation of The Master ofthe Rolls, from his profession being that of a baker; an excellent day'ssport was anticipated, and the lads of the fancy were all upon the "_quivive_. "

Our friends had consequently arranged, on the previous night, tobreakfast at an early hour, and take a gentle ride along the road, witha determination to see as much as possible of the attractive amusementsof a milling-match, and to take a view as they went along of the companythey were afterwards to mingle with. 

"We shall now, " said Dashall (as they sat down to breakfast) "have apeep at the lads of the ring, and see a little of the real science ofBoxing. "

"We have been boxing the compass through the difficult straits of aLondon life for some time, " replied Bob, "and I begin to think that, with all its variety, its gaiety, and

~393~~ its pride, the most legitimate joys of life may fairly be said toexist in the country. "

"I confess, " said Dashall, "that most of the pleasures of life arecomparative, and arise from contrast. Thus the bustle of Londonheightens the serenity of the country, while again the monotony of thecountry gives additional zest to the ever-varying scenes of London. Butwhy this observation at a moment when we are in pursuit of fresh game?"

"Nay, " said Tallyho, "I know not why; but I spoke as I thought, feelingas I do a desire to have a pop at the partridges as the season is nowfast approaching, and having serious thoughts of shifting my quarters. "

"We will talk of that hereafter, " was the reply. "You have an excellentday's sport in view, let us not throw a cloud upon the prospect beforeus--you seem rather in the doldrums. The amusements of this day willperhaps inspire more lively ideas; and then we shall be present at themasquerade, which will doubtless be well attended; all the fashion ofthe Metropolis will be present, and there you will find a new world, such as surpasses the powers of imagination--a sort of Elysiumunexplored before, full of mirth, frolic, whim, wit and variety, tocharm every sense in nature. But come, we must not delay participatingin immediate gratifications by the anticipations of those intended forthe future. Besides, I have engaged to give the Champion a cast to thescene of action in my barouche. "

By this time Piccadilly was all in motion--coaches, carts, gigs, tilburies, whiskies, buggies, dog-carts, sociables, dennets, curricles, and sulkies, were passing in rapid succession, intermingled withtax-carts and waggons decorated with laurel, conveying company of themost varied description. In a few minutes, the barouche being atthe door, crack went the whip, and off they bowled. Bob's eyes wereattracted on all sides. Here, was to be seen the dashing Corinthiantickling up his tits, and his bang-up set-out of blood and bone, givingthe go-by to a heavy drag laden with eight brawney bull-faced blades, smoking their way down behind a skeleton of a horse, to whom in allprobability a good feed of corn would have been a luxury; patteringamong themselves, occasionally chaffing the more elevated drivers bywhom they were surrounded, and pushing forward their nags with all theardour of a British ~394~~ merchant intent upon disposing of a valuablecargo of foreign goods on 'Change. There, was a waggon, full of allsorts upon the lark, succeeded by a donkey-cart with four insides; butNeddy, not liking his burthen, stopt short on the way of a Dandy, whosehorse's head coming plump up to the back of the crazy vehicle at themoment of its stoppage, threw the rider into the arms of a Dustman, who, hugging his customer with the determined grasp of a bear, swore d------nhis eyes he had saved his life, and he expected he would stand somethinghandsome for the Gemmen all round, for if he had not pitched into theircart, he would certainly have broke his neck; which being complied with, though reluctantly, he regained his saddle, and proceeded a little morecautiously along the remainder of the road, while groups of pedestriansof all ranks and appearances lined each side. 

At Hyde-Park Corner, Tom having appointed to take up the primehammer-man, drew up, and was instantly greeted by a welcome from theexpected party, who being as quickly seated, they proceeded on theirjourney. 

"This match appears to occupy general attention, " said Tom. 

"I should think so, " was the reply--"why it will be a prime thingas ever was seen. Betting is all alive--the Daffy Club in tip-topspirits--lots of money sported on both sides--somebody must make amull{1}--but Randall's the man--he is the favourite of the day, all theworld to a penny-roll. "

The simile of the penny roll being quite in point with the known titleof one of the combatants, caused a smile on Dashall's countenance, whichwas caught by the eye of Tallyho, and created some mirth, as it wasa proof of what has frequently been witnessed, that the lovers of thefancy are as apt in their imaginations at times, as they are ready forthe accommodating one, two, or the friendly flush hit which floors theiropponents. 

The morning was fine, and the numerous persons who appeared travellingon the road called forth many inquiries from Bob. 

"Now, " said he, "I think I recollect that the admirable author of the_Sentimental Journey_ used to read as he went along--is it possible toread as we journey forward?" "Doubtless, " replied Tom, "it is, and willproduce

 1 Mull--Defeat, loss, or disappointment. 

~395~~ a fund of amusing speculation as we jog on. Lavater founded hisjudgment of men upon the formation of their features; Gall and Spurzheimby the lumps, bumps and cavities of their pericraniums; but I doubt notwe shall be right in our views of the society we are likely to meet, without the help of either--do you see that group?"

Bob nodded assent. 

"These, " continued Tom, "are profitable characters, or rather men ofprofit, who, kindly considering the constitution of their friends, provide themselves with refreshments of various kinds, to supply thehungry visitors round the ring--oranges, nuts, apples, gingerbread, biscuits and peppermint drops. "

"Not forgetting _blue ruin and French lace_, "{1} said the man of fist;"but you have only half done it--don't you see the _Cash-cove_{2}behind, with his stick across his shoulder, _padding the hoof_{3} inbreathless speed? he has _shell'd out the lour_{4} for the occasion, andis travelling down to keep a _wakeful winker_{5} on his retailers, andto take care that however they may chuse to lush away the profit, theyshall at least take care of the principal. The little Dandy just beforehim also acts as Whipper-in; between them they mark out the ground, {6}watch the progress, and pocket the proceeds. They lend the money for theothers to traffic. "

"I confess, " said Tom, "I was not exactly up to this. "

"Aye, aye, but I know the _Blunt-monger_, {7} and am up to his ways andmeans, " was the reply. --"Hallo, my eyes, here he comes!" continued he, rising from his seat, and bowing obsequiously to a Gentleman who passedthem in a tandem--"all right, I am glad of it--always good sport whenhe is present--no want of sauce or seasoning--he always _comes itstrong_. "{8}

"I perceive, " replied Tom, "you allude to the noble Marquis of W------. "

 1 French lace--A flash or cant term for brandy. 

 2 Cash-cove--A monied man. 

 3 Padding the hoof--Travelling on Shanks's mare, or taking a turn by the marrow-bone stage, i. E. Walking. 

 4 Shell'd out the lour--Supplied the cash. 

 5 Wakeful winker--A sharp eye. 

 6 Mark out the ground--Is to place his retailers in various parts of the Ring for the accommodation of the company, any where he may expect to find them himself. 

 7 Blunt-monger--Money-dealer, or money-lender. 

 8 Comes it strong--No flincher, a real good one. 

~396~~ Travelling gently along the road, they were presently impeded bya crowd of persons who surrounded a long cart or waggon, which had justbeen overturned, and had shot out a motley group of personages, whowere being lifted on their legs, growling and howling at this unforeseendisaster. A hard-featured sailor, whose leg had been broken by the fall, brandished a splinter of the fractured limb, and swore--"That althoughhis timbers were shivered, and he had lost a leg in the service, hewould not be the last in the Ring, but he'd be d------d if he mount therubbish-cart any more. " It is needless to observe his leg was a woodenone. 

Upon examining the inscription on the cart, it was found to contain thefollowing words:--"Household Furniture, Building Materials, and Lumbercarefully removed. " As it was ascertained that no real injury hadbeen sustained, our party speedily passed the overturned vehicle andproceeded. 

The next object of attraction was a small cart drawn by one poor animal, sweating and snorting under the weight of six Swells, led by an old man, who seemed almost as incapable as his horse seemed unwilling to performthe journey. A label on the outside of the cart intimated that itscontents was soap, which created some laughter between Tom and Bob. Theman in the front, whose Jew-looking appearance attracted attention, wasendeavouring to increase the speed of the conveyance by belabouring theboney rump of the _prad_{1} with his hat, while some of their pedestrian_palls_{2} were following close in the rear, and taking occasionallya _drap of the cratur_, which was handed out behind and returned afterrefreshment. 

"These, " said Tom to his Cousin, "are also men of profit, butnot exactly in the way of those we passed--second-rate Swells andbroken-down Gamesters, determined, as the saying is, to have a shy, even if they lose their sticks, and more properly may be termed men ofplunder; desperate in their pursuits, they turn out with intent tomake the best of the day, and will not fail to nibble all they can comeeasily at. "

"They are not worth the blood from a broken nose, " said the Pugilist, with a feeling for the honour of his profession which did himcredit. --"They are all prigs, their company

 1 Prad--A cant term for a horse. 

 2 Palls--Partners, accomplices, colleagues. 

~397~~ spoils all genteel society, and frequently brings disgraceupon others with whom they are unworthy to associate, or even to beseen--there's no getting rid of such gentry. Is it not d------d hard aman can't have a pleasant bit of a turn-up, without having his friendsfilched?--But here comes the gay fellows, here they come upon the trot, all eager and anxious to mark the first blow, start the odds, and currythe coal. {1} These are the lads of life--true lovers of the sport--up tothe manouvre--clear and quick-sighted, nothing but good ones--aye aye, and here comes Bill Gibbons, furnished with the fashionables. "

"What do you call the fashionables?" inquired Bob. 

"Why, the Binders. "

Here he was as much at a loss as ever, which the other perceiving, hecontinued--"The Binders are the stakes and ropes, to fence in the Ring. "

Bill Gibbons, who was well known on the road, and was speeding downpretty sharp, was followed by crowds of vehicles of all descriptions; asmany to whom the place of meeting was but conjectured, upon seeinghim felt assured of being in the right track. Here were to be seen theSwells in their tandems--the Nib Sprigs in their gigs, buggies, anddog-carts--and the Tidy Ones on their trotters, all alive and leaping. Mirth and merriment appeared spread over every countenance, thoughexpectation and anxiety were intermingled here and there in the featuresof the real lads of the fancy; many of whom, upon this very interestingoccasion, had bets to a considerable amount depending upon the result ofthe day. The bang-up blades were pushing their prads along in gay style, accompanied by two friends, that is to say, a biped and a quadruped. Thequeer fancy lads, who had hired hacks from the livery-stable keepers, were kicking up a dust, and here and there rolling from their prancersin their native soil; while the neck or nothing boys, with no prospectbut a whereas before their eyes, were as heedless of their personalsafety as they were of their Creditor's property. Jaded hacks and crazyvehicles were to be seen on all sides--here lay a bankrupt-cart withthe panels knock'din, and its driver with an eye knock'd out, the horselamed, and the concern completely knock'd up, just before the periodwhen the hammer of the Auctioneer was to be called in, and his effectsknock'd down. There was another

 1 Curry the coal--Make sure of the money. 

~398~~ of the same description, with a harum-scarum devil ofa half-bred, making his way at all risks, at a full gallop, asunmanageable in his career as his driver had been in his speculations;dust flying, women sprawling, men bawling, dogs barking, and themultitude continually increasing. Scouts, Scamps, Lords, Loungers andLacqueys--Coster-mongers from--To the Hill Fields--and The Bloods fromBermondsey, completely lined the road as far as the eye could reach, both before and behind; it was a day of the utmost importance to thepugilistic school, as the contest had excited a most unparalleled degreeof interest!

It would be scarcely possible to give a full and accurate descriptionof the appearances as they went along; imagination would labour in vain, and words are altogether incapable of conveying a picture of the road tothis memorable fight; the various instances in which they could discoverthat things were not all right were admirably contrasted by others, where care and good coachmanship, with a perfect management of thebloods, proved the reverse--while the single horsemen, whose hearts werereally engaged in the sport, were picking their way with celerity, andposting to the point of attraction. --The public-houses were throngedto excess, and the Turnpike-keepers made a market of the mirth-movingthrong. 

[Illustration: page398 Road to a Fight]

Our party arrived in the neighbourhood of Copthorne about half-pasttwelve, where all was bustle and confusion. The commissary in chief, Mr. Jackson, being out of town, some of the subalterns, who had taken thecommand _pro tempore_, had, for divers weighty reasons, principallyfounded on a view to the profits of certain of the Surrey Trusts, and toaccommodate the sporting circles at Brighton, fixed the combat to takeplace in a meadow belonging to a farmer named Jarvis, near this place. 

On this spot accordingly the ring was formed, and an immense mass ofall descriptions of vehicles was admitted, not much, it may naturallybe supposed, to the prejudice of the owner of the premises, whoseagents were praise-worthily active in levying proper contributions. SomeGentlemen however in the neighbourhood, observing that the strictestdelicacy was not maintained towards the sacredness of their fences, insisted that the place was too confined, and intimated that a move mustbe made, or they should make application to the Magistrates; and atthe same time suggested Crawley Downs, the site of so ~399~ many formerskirmishes, as the most convenient spot for their accommodation. 

In this state of things, a move immediately took place, and a freshring was established on the spot alluded to; but, in effecting this newlodgment, much mortification was experienced, not alone by those, who, after a dreadful drag up one of the worst by-roads in England, hadobtained a comfortable situation, but by those, who, speculating on theformation of the ring, had expended considerable sums in the hire ofwaggons for their purpose from the surrounding farmers. The waggonsit was found impossible to move in due time, and thus the new area wascomposed of such vehicles as were first to reach the appointed ground. 

The general confusion now was inconceivable, for, notwithstanding thedeparture of connoisseurs from Jarvis's Farm, Martin still maintainedhis post, alleging, that he was on the ground originally fixed, andthat he should expect Randall to meet him there; in which demand he wassupported by his backers. This tended to increase the embarrassment ofthe amateurs; however, about one, Randall arrived at Crawley Downs, ina post-chaise, and took up his quarters at a cottage near the ground, waiting for his man; and at two, General Barton, who had just mountedhis charger, intending to consult the head-quarters of the Magistrates, to ascertain their intention in case of proceeding to action at Jarvis'sFarm, was suddenly arrested in his progress by an express from theMartinites, announcing that their champion had yielded his claim to thechoice of ground, and was so anxious for the mill, that he would meetRandall even in a saw-pit. Bill Gibbons arriving soon after, the Ring, with the assistance of many hands, was quickly formed; by which time, Tom and Bob had secured themselves excellent situations to view thecombat. 

About twenty minutes before three, Randall entered the outer Ring, attended by General Barton and Mr. Griffiths. He was attired in aWhitehall upper Benjamin, and _threw his hat into the Ring_ amidst loudapplause. In a few minutes after, Martin approached from an oppositedirection, accompanied by Mr. Sant and Mr. Elliott; he was also warmlygreeted. 

The men now passed the ropes, and were assisted by their immediatefriends in peeling for action. Martin was ~400~~ attended by Spring andThurton; Randall, by Harry Holt and Paddington Jones. 

The men stript well, and both appeared to be in excellent health, goodspirits, and high condition; but the symmetry of Randall's bust excitedgeneral admiration; and the muscular strength of his arms, neck, andshoulders, bore testimony to his Herculean qualities; the whole force ofhis body, in fact, seem'd to be concentrated above his waistband. Martinstood considerably above him, his arms were much longer, but they wantedthat bold and imposing weight which characterized those of Randall. Theywalked up to the _scratch_, and shook hands in perfect good fellowship. Every man now took his station, and the heroes threw themselves intotheir guard. 

It was rumoured that Martin intended to lose no time in manoeuvring, butto go to work instanter. This however he found was not so easily tobe effected as suggested, for Randall had no favour to grant, and wastherefore perfectly on his guard. He was all wary caution, and hadclearly no intention of throwing away a chance, but was evidentlywaiting for Martin to commence. Martin once or twice made play, butRandall was not skittishly inclined, all was "war hawk. " Randall made aleft-handed hit to draw his adversary, but found it would not do. Martin then hit right and left, but was stopped. Randall was feeling forMartin's wind, but hit above his mark, though not without leaving one ofa red colour, which told "a flattering tale. " Randall returned with hisleft, and the men got to a smart rally, when Randall got a konker, whichtapped the claret. An almost instantaneous close followed, in whichRandall, grasping Martin round the neck with his right arm, and bringinghis head to a convenient posture, sarved out punishment with his left. This was indeed a terrific position. Randall was always famous for thedreadful force of his short left-handed hits, and on this occasion theylost none of their former character. Martin's nob was completely in avice; and while in that hopeless condition, Randall fibbed away with thesolid weight of the hammer of a tuck-mill. His aim was principally atthe neck, where every blow told with horrible violence. Eight or tentimes did he repeat the dose, and then, with a violent swing, threwMartin to the ground, falling on him as he; went with all his weight. The Ring resounded with applause, and Jack coolly took ~401~~ his seaton the knee of his Second. Martin's friends began to look blue, butstill expected, the fight being young, there was yet much to be done. 

All eyes were now turned to Martin, who being lifted on Spring's knee, in a second discovered that he was done. His head fell back lifeless, and all the efforts of Spring to keep it straight were in vain. Waterwas thrown on him in abundance, but without effect: he was, in fact, completely senseless; and the half-minute having transpired, theNonpareil was hailed the victor. 

Randall appeared almost without a scratch, while poor Martin lay like alump of unleavened dough; he was removed and bled, but it was some timebefore he was conscious of his defeat. 

Nothing could exceed the astonishment which so sudden and complete afinish to the business produced. The round lasted but seven minutes anda half, of which four minutes and a half had elapsed before a blow wasattempted. Thus ended one of the most extraordinary battles between twoknown game men on the pugilistic records. Very heavy bets had been madeupon it in all parts of the kingdom. One gentleman is said to have hadfive thousand pounds, and another one thousand eight hundred guineas. The gains of the conqueror were supposed to be about a thousand pounds. 

The amusements of the day were concluded by a second fight betweenParish and Lashbroke, which proved a manly and determined contest forupwards of an hour, and in which the combatants evinced considerableskill and bravery, and was finally decided in favour of Parish. Allamusement which might have been derived from this spectacle, however, was completely destroyed by the daring outrages of an immense gang ofpickpockets, who broke in the Ring, and closed completely up to theropes, carrying with them every person, of decent appearance, and openlyrobbing them of their watches, pocket-books and purses. And the latenessof the hour, it being five o'clock, and almost dark, favoured thedepredators. 

In the midst of this struggle, Tom Dashall had nearly lost his fancytopper, {1} and Tallyho was secretly eased of his clicker. {2} From thescene of tumult and confusion they were glad to escape; and being againsafely seated in the

 1 Topper--A flash term given to a hat. 

 2 Clicker--A flash term given to a watch, ~402~~ barouche, they made the best of their way home; in doing which, they found the roads almost as much clogg'd as they were in the morning. The Randallites were meritorious, and, flushed with good fortune, linedthe public-houses on the road to _wet their whistles_, singing andshouting his name in strains to them equally inspiring as

 "See the conquering hero comes! Sound your trumpets, beat your drums;"

while the Martinites rolled along the road in sullen silence; and, bythe time they reached town, an account of the Battle was hawking aboutthe streets, and songs singing to the praise of the successful combatantin all the melodious cadences of a last dying speech and confession:such is the promptitude of London Printers, Poets, and News-venders. 

"Well, " said Dashall, as they re-entered the house, "the events of thisday have completely disappointed some of the knowing ones. "

"That may be, " replied Bob, "but they have been too knowing for me, notwithstanding your previous instructions. However, I don't regretseeing the humours of a Prize Ring; and the next time you catch methere, I must take a lesson from the man of profit, and keep a wakefulwinker on the possibles. Really, I could not help feeling astonished atthe immense number of persons assembled on such an occasion. "

[Illustration: page402 A Private Turn-up]

"Zounds!" said Tom, "'tis the real centre of attraction, the thing, the tippy, and the twig, among the Lads of the Fancy. Why, it is prettygenerally known, through the medium of the newspapers, that a certainNobleman paid the debts of one of these Pugilists, amounting to 300L. That he might be released from Newgate in order to fight a prize battle;and it is not long since that the Marquis of T--ed--e, whilstentertaining a large party, after dinner introduced the subject with somuch effect, that a purse of 100 guineas was subscribed among them for aturn up between two of the _prime hammermen_; who, being introduced, actually set-to in his drawing-room for the amusement of his friends. Nor is it less true, that this sporting Nobleman gloriously took up theconqueror, (as the saying is) and evinced his patronage and his power atonce, by actually subduing his antagonist, proving to certitude, that ifhis Lordship would but practise this sublime art, he ~403~~ could hardlyfail of adding to his present title that of the Champion of England! Itis the theme of constant conversation, and in many cases there is moreanxiety about contests of this sort than there is about the arrival of aMonarch on the Irish coast among the lads of _praties_, whiskey, andbuttermilk--thoughts are busy, energies are active--and money in galoreis circulated upon it. "

Bob laughed heartily at these observations of his Cousin upon what hetermed the sublime art. 

"You don't appear to enter into the spirit of it, " continued Tom; "butI can assure you, it is a very animating subject, and has occupied theattention of all classes, from the peer to the prelate, the peasantand the pot-boy; it is said that one of the lower order of rantingPreachers, not many miles from Bolton-on-the-Moors, lately addressedhis auditory in the following metaphorical language, accompanied withstriking and appropriate attitudes:--'I dare say, now, you'd pay to seea boxing-match between Randall and Turner, or Martin--yet you don't liketo pay for seeing a pitched-battle between me and the Black ChampionBeelzebub. Oh! my friends, many a hard knock, and many a cross-buttockhave I given the arch bruiser of mankind--aye, and all for your dearsakes--pull--do pull off those gay garments of Mammon, strike the devila straight-forward blow in the mouth, darken his spiritual daylights. At him manfully, give it him right and left, and I'll be yourbottle-holder--I ask nothing but the money, which you'll not forgetbefore you go. ' "

"The true spirit moved him, " said Bob, "and a very laudable one too; buthe very emphatically deprecated the votaries of Mammon. "

"Certainly, he being called, would have been unworthy of his calling ifhe had not. "

This conversation was carried on over a glass of generous wine, and, dwindling into indifferent subjects, is not necessary to be detailed;suffice it to say, that, fatigued with the day's exertions, they soughtrepose in the arms of Morpheus at an early hour, determined on thepursuit of fresh game with the dawn of the morning. 404~~

CHAPTER XXVI

 "See yonder beaux, so delicately gay; And yonder belles, so'deck'd in thin array-- Ah! rather see not what a decent pride Would teach a maiden modestly to hide; The dress so flimsy, the exposure such, "twould almost make a very wanton blush. E'en married dames, forgetting what is due To sacred ties, give half clad charms to view. What calls them forth to brave the daring glance, The public ball, the midnight wanton dance? There many a blooming nymph, by fashion led, Has felt her health, her peace, her honour fled; Truss'd her fine form to strange fantastic shapes, To be admir'd, and twirl'd about by apes; Or, mingling in the motley masquerade, Found innocence by visor'd vice betrayed. "

AN agreeable lounge through the Parks in the morning afforded them anopportunity of recalling in idea the pleasures of the past Real Life inLondon, of which Tallyho had been enabled to partake, and during whichhe again signified a desire to change the scene, by a departure atan early period for his native vales, to breathe, as he observed, theuncontaminated air of the country--to watch the wary pointer, and markthe rising covey--to pursue the timid hare, or chase the cunningfox; and Dashall finding him inflexible, notwithstanding his glowingdescriptions of scenes yet unexplored, at length consented to accompanyhim to Belville Hall, upon condition that they should return again ina month. This mode of arrangement seemed perfectly satisfactory to Bob;and a view of the Panorama and a peep at the Tennis Court would havefinished their rambles for the day, but at the latter place ofamusement and healthful exercise, meeting with young Mortimer, a furtherdevelopement of facts relative to Sparkle and his Bride transpired; inwhich it appeared that they had arrived at their place of destination, and had forwarded an invitation to his brother-in-law to ~405~~ pay theman early visit, and who proposed starting in a few days. 

"Well, " said Dashall, "we will all go together, and no doubt with ourold friend Sparkle we shall be able to endure the unchanging prospectsof a country life. "

 "In the Country how blest, when it rains in the fields, To feast upon transports that shuttle-cock yields; Or go crawling from window to window, to see An ass on a common, a crow on a tree. 

 In the Country you're nail'd, like some pale in your park, To some stick of a neighbour, crammed into the ark; And if you are sick, or in fits tumble down, You reach death ere the Doctor can reach you from town. "

"Never mind, " cried Tallyho, "a change of scene will no doubt be useful, and, at all events, by enduring the one, we may learn more judiciouslyto appreciate the other. "

"True, " said Tom, "and I shall like myself all the better for beingin good company. But pray, Mr. Mortimer, what do you mean to do at theapproaching masquerade?"

"Not quite decided yet, " was the reply. 

"You go, of course?"

"Certainly--as Orpheus, or Apollo. But pray what character do you intendto sustain?"

"That's a secret--"

"Worth knowing, I suppose--well, well, I shall find you out, neverfear. "

"Time's a tell-tale, " said Dashall, "and will most likely unfold allmysteries; but I always think the life and spirit of a masquerade ismuch injured by a knowledge of the characters assumed by friends, unlessit be where two or more have an intention of playing, as it were, to, and with each other; for where there is mystery, there is alwaysinterest. I shall therefore propose that we keep to ourselves thecharacters in which we mean to appear; for I am determined, if possible, to have a merry night of it. "

 "On the lightly sportive wing, At pleasure's call we fly; Hark! they dance, they play, they sing, In merry merry revelry; Hark! the tabors lively beat, And the flute in numbers sweet, Fill the night with delight At the Masquerade. Let the grave ones warn us as they may, Of every harmless joy afraid; Whilst we're young and gay, We'll frolic and play At the Masquerade. "

~406~~ Tom's observations upon this subject were in perfect accordancewith those of. Mortimer and Tallyho; though he had intended to consulthis Cousin as to the character he should appear in, he now determinedto take his own direction, or to have advice from Fentum in the Strand, whose advertisements to supply dresses, &c. He had observed in thenewspapers. 

These preliminaries being decided upon, as far as appeared needful atthe moment, Mortimer departed towards home, where he expected to meethis Uncle upon his return from the chase after the fugitives, Sparkleand Miss Mortimer, now Mrs. Sparkle; and Tom and Bob to Piccadilly, where a select party of Dashall's friends were invited to dinner, andwhere they enjoyed a pleasant evening, drank rather freely, and had butlittle to regret after it, except certain qualmish feelings of the headand stomach the next morning. 

The anticipated Masquerade had been the principal subject ofconversation, so long as reason held her sway; but the hard exercise ofthe arm, and the generosity of the wine, had an early and visible effectupon some of the party, who did not separate till a late hour, leavingBob just strength and intelligence enough to find the way to hisdormitory. 

By the arrival of the appointed evening for the grand Masquerade atVauxhall Gardens, Tom Dashall, who had a particular view in keepinghis intended proceedings a secret, had arranged all to his wishes, andanticipated considerable amusement from the interest he should takein the safety of his Cousin, whom he entertained no doubt of quicklydiscovering, and with whom he determined to promote as much mirth aspossible. 

Tallyho, in the mean time, had also made occasional calls upon Merrywellin his confinement, and, under his direction, been preparing for theoccasion, equally determined, if possible, to turn the laugh on hisCousin; ~407~~ and it must be acknowledged, he could scarcely havefound a more able tutor, though he was doomed rather to suffer byhis confidence in his instructor, as will hereafter be seen; for, inescaping the intended torment of one, he was unexpectedly subjected tothe continual harassing of another. 

It was about half after eleven o'clock, when Tallyho, duly equipped inhis country costume, as a Huntsman, entered this splendid and spaciousscene of brilliancy. The blaze of light which burst upon him, and thevariety of characters in constant motion, appeared almost to render himmotionless; and several of the would-be characters passed him with avacant stare, declaring he was no character at all! nor was he rousedfrom his lethargic position till he heard a view halloo, which seemedto come from a distant part of the Garden, and was so delivered, asactually to give him an idea of the party being in pursuit of game, bygrowing fainter towards the close, as if receding from him. The soundimmediately animated him, and answering it in a truly sportsman-likestyle, he burst from his situation, and cracking his whip, at full speedfollowed in the direction from which it came, under the impression thathe knew the voice of Dashall, and should discover him. In his speed, however, he was rather rudely attacked by a small dandy personage, whose outward appearance indicated some pretensions to manhood, with a"Demmee, Sir, how dare you be rude to my voman! for egad I shall haveyou clapped in the Round-house--here, Vatchman, take this here man incharge--Vatch! Vatch!" The voice however soon told him he had a lady todeal with, and he entered into a long harangue by way of apology. Thisnot being acceptable to the offended party, he was surrounded by a hostof Charleys springing their rattles all at once, and, notwithstandingthe dexterous use of his whip, he was obliged to yield. At this moment, Tallyho was again sounded in his ears, issuing from another quarter; buthis struggles to pursue the party from whom it came were ineffectual. Arough-hewn Sailor with a pipe in his mouth, and an immense cudgel inhis hand, however, arrived to his assistance, accompanied by an IrishChairman in a large blue coat, and a cock'd hat bound with gold lace, armed with a chair-pole, who effected his liberty; and he again scouredoff in pursuit ~408~~ of his friend, but without success. He now beganto think his situation not altogether so pleasant as he could wish. Helistened to every voice, examined every form that passed him in rapidsuccession; yet he felt himself alone, and determined not to be led awayby sounds such as had already occupied his attention, but rather to lookabout him, and notice the eccentricities with which he was surrounded. Sauntering along in this mood, he was presently assailed by a voicebehind him, exclaiming, "Bob--

 "Bob, if you wish to go safely on, Tarn round about, and look out for the Don. "

Upon hearing this, he turned hastily around, and encountered a groupof Chimney-sweepers, who immediately set up such a clatter with theirbrushes and shovels, dancing at the same time in the true May-day styleround him and a strapping Irish fish-woman, that he was completelyprevented from pursuit, and almost from observation, while a universallaugh from those near him bespoke the mirth his situation excited; andthe Hibernian damsel, with true Irish sympathy, attempted to allay hischagrin by clasping him in her brawny arms, and imprinting on his ruddycheek a kiss. This only served to heighten their merriment and increasehis embarrassment, particularly as his _Cher ami_ swore she had not hada buss like it since the death of her own dear dead and departed Phelim, the last of her four husbands, who died of a whiskey fever, bawling forpratees and buttermilk, and was waked in a coal-shed. 

This mark of the Lady's favour was not so favourably received byTallyho, and, determined to make his escape, he gave Moll a violentfling from him, overturned her and her basket, knock'd down two of theChimney-sweepers, and then with a leap as if he had been springing ata five-barred gate, jumped over his late companion, who lay sprawlingamong the flue-fakers, and effected his purpose, to the inexpressibleamusement of those, who, after enjoying a hearty laugh at him, nowtransferred their risibility to those he left behind. Finding himselfonce more unshackled, he smack'd his whip with enthusiasm, and repeatedhis Tallyho with increased effect; for it was immediately answered, and, without waiting for its final close, he found the person from whom itwas ~409~~ proceeding to be no other than a Turk, who was precipitatelyentering one of the rooms, and was as quickly recognized by him to bethe Hon. Tom Dashall. The alteration which a Turkish turban and pelissehad effected in his person, would however have operated as an effectualbar to this discovery, had he not seized him in the very moment ofvociferation; and although his Cousin had been the chief cause of theadventures he had already met with, he had at the same time kept an eyeupon Bob, and been equally instrumental in effecting his release fromembarrassment. 

"Come, " said Tom, "I am for a little gig in the Room--how long haveyou been here?--I thought I should find you out, very few can disguisethemselves from me; we will now be spectators for half an hour, andenjoy the mirth excited by others. "

"With all my heart, " rejoined Bob, "for I am almost as tired already asif I had spent a whole day in a fox-chase, and have run as many risksof my neck; so that a cool half hour's observation will be veryacceptable. "

They had scarcely entered the Room, as a Priscilla Tomboy passed them atfull speed with a skipping-rope, for whose accommodation every one madeway; and who, having skipped round the room to shew her fine formedancle and flexibility of limbs, left it for a moment, and returned witha large doll, which she appeared as pleased with as a child of eightor ten years of age. A Jemmy Jumps assured Tom, that his garmentswere altogether unsuitable to the nation in which he was residing, andrecommended that he should not exist another day without that now veryfashionable appendage of a Gentleman's dress called stays--An excellentCaleb Quotem, by his smartness of repartee and unceasing volubility ofspeech in recounting his labours of a day--"a summer's day, " as the poetsays, afforded much amusement by his powers of out-talking the fribbleof a Staymaker, who, finding himself confused by his eternal clack, fledin search of another customer. A Don Quixote was conferring the honourof knighthood on a clumsy representative of the God of Love, andinvoking his aid in return, to accomplish the object of finding hislost Dulcinea. An outlandish fancy-dressed character was making anassignation with a Lady, who, having taken the veil and renounced thesex, kindly consented to forego ~410~~ her vows and meet him again;while a Devil behind her was hooking the cock'd-hat of the gay deceiverto the veil of the Nun, which created considerable laughter, for asthey attempted to separate, they were both completely unmasked, anddiscovered, to the amazement of Tallyho, two well-known faces, littleexpected there by him--no other than Merrywell as the Dandy Officer, andhis friend Mr. Safebind as the Nun. The exposure rather confusedthem, while Tom and Bob joined the merry Devil in a loud burst oflaughter--they however bustled through the room and were quickly lost. 

[Illustration: page410 Masquerade]

A French _Frisseur_, without any knowledge of the language of the nationfrom which he appeared to come, could only answer a question _a laFrançoise_ from the accomplished Tom Dashall, by a volume of scentedpowder from his puff, which being observed by a Chimney-sweeper, was returned by dust of another colour from his soot-bag, till theintermixture of white and black left it difficult to decide which wasthe Barber and which the Sweep. They were now suddenly attracted by agrotesque dance between a Clown of the Grimaldi school and a fancy OldWoman in a garment of patch-work made in an ancient fashion. A red nose, long rows of beads for ear-rings, and a pair of spectacles surmounted bya high cauled-cap, decorated with ribbons of various hues, renderedher the most conspicuous character in the room: and notwithstandingher high-heeled shoes, she proved herself an excellent partner for theClown. 

By this time, Bob, who was anxious to carry his plan into execution, began to be fidgetty, and proposed a walk into the open air again. Asthey left the room, his ears were attracted by the following song by aWatchman, which he could not help stopping to catch, and which affordedhis Cousin an excellent opportunity of giving him the slip:

 "Fly, ye prigs, {1} for now's the hour, (Tho' boosey kids{2} have lost their power, ) When watchful Charleys, {3} like the Sun, Their nightly course of duty run Beneath the pale-faced moon;

 1 Prigs--Pickpockets. 

 2 Boosey kids--Drunken men. 

 3 Charleys--A cant term for watchmen. 

 But take this warning while ye fly, That if you nibble, click, {1} or clye, {2} My sight's so dim, I cannot see, Unless while you the blunt{3} tip me: Then stay, then stay; For I shall make this music speak, {4} And bring you up before the Beak, {5} Unless the chink's in tune. 

 Now, ye rambling sons of night, Or peep-o'-day boys{6} on your flight, Well prim'd with Jack or Child Tom's juice, While you the silver key{7} produce, Your safety then is clear. But snuffy, {8} and not up to snuff, {9} You'll And your case is queer enough; Shell out the nonsense;{10} half a quid{11} Will speak more truth than all your whid:{12}

 Then go, then go; For, if you linger on your way, You'll for my music dearly pay, I'll quod you, never fear. "

Turning round with laughter from this character, who had attracted manyhearers, he look'd in vain for Dashall, and was not displeased to findhe had fled. He therefore hastily withdrew from the scene of merriment, and according to the instructions previously received, and for whichhe had prepared, quickly changed his dress, and appeared again in thecharacter of a Judge, under the impression hinted by his counsellor, that the gravity of his wig and gown, with a steady countenance, 1 Click--A contraction of the word clicker, for a watch. 

 2 Clye--A pocket-handkerchief. 

 3 Blunt--Money. 

 4 Music--Alluding to the rattle. 

 5 Beak--A magistrate. 

 6 Peep-o'-day boys--Staunch good ones--reeling home after the frolics of the night. 

 7 Silver key--Money which is thus termed, as it is supposed to open all places, and all hearts. 

 "If you are sick and like to die, And for the Doctor send, Or have the cholic in your eye, Still money is your friend--is it not?"

 8 Snuffy--Drunk. 

 9 Up to Snuff---Elevation of ideas. 

 10 Shell out the nonsense--To pay money. 

 11 Half a quid--Half a guinea. 

 12 Whid--Words or talk. 

~412~~ would be a quiet and peaceable part to get through, and shieldhim from the torment of those whom Bob suspected willing to play trickswith him should he be discovered. Here however he again found himselfat fait, for he had scarcely entered the Gardens, before a host ofdepredators were brought before him for trial. The Charleys brought insuccession, drunken Fiddlers, Tinkers and Barbers; and appeals weremade to his patience in so many voices, and under so many varyingcircumstances, that Justice was nearly running mad, and poor Tallyhocould find no chance of making a reply. An uproar from the approachingcrowd, announced some more than ordinary culprit; and, in a moment, whoshould appear before him but a Don Giovanni, and the hooking Devil, Herewas a fine case for decision; the Devil claimed the Don as his property, and addressed the Representative of Justice as follows:--

"Most learned and puissant Judge!

"Protect my rights as you would the rights of man; I claim my property, and will have my claim allowed. "

"Hold, " replied Bob, "if that is the case, you have no occasion toappeal to me--begone, black wretch, and in thy native shades yell forththy discordant screams. "

"Most righteous Judge!--a second Daniel!" cried a bearded Shylock, withhis knife and scales, "he shan't escape me--I'll have my bond--so barehis bosom 'next the heart'--let me come near him. "

"This is playing the Devil, indeed, " said the Don. 

"By the Powers!" cried a 'Looney Mackwolteb, ' "he's jump'd out of thefire into the frying-pan; and, when the Smouchee has done wid him, hemay be grill'd in his own fat. "

At this moment, a Leporello, who caught the last words of the Irishman, burst into the presence of the Judge, singing--

"Zounds, Sir, they'll grill you now, lean or fat, I know what games youwere always at, And told you before what harm you would hatch: Now theold Gentleman's found you out, He'll clap us all in the round-about; Letus be off, ere they call for the Watch. "

The word Watch was re-echoed in a thousand voices; the vociferations ofthe callers, the noise of the rattles, ~413~~ and the laughter ofthose immediately surrounding the judgment-seat, offered so good anopportunity for escape, that Giovanni, determining to have anotherchance, burst from the grasp of the arch enemy of mankind, to pursuehis wonted vagaries, to the no small gratification of Bob, who, withoutactually acquitting the prisoner, rejoiced at his own escape. 

He had however scarcely time to congratulate himself, before he wasannoyed by a Postman, in the usual costume, whom he had already seendelivering letters to the company; the contents of which appeared toafford considerable amusement; and who, presenting a letter addressedto The Lord Chief Justice Bunglecause, in a moment disappeared. Breakingopen the envelope, he read with astonishment the following lines:--

 "Tho' justice prevails Under big wigs and tails, You've not much of law in your nob; So this warning pray take, Your big wig forsake, And try a more modern scratch, Bob. "

"Go along Bob--Lord Chief Justice Bob in a scratch, " cried a Watermanat his elbow, (who had heard him reading) in a voice loud enough to beheard at some distance. 

"There he'll be at home to a hair, " squeaked a little finickingpersonification of a modern Peruquier, sidling up to him, picking histeeth with a tortoise-shell comb. 

Bob, in bursting hastily away, under the reiterated cries of "Go alongBob--Lord Chief Justice Bob, " with the idea of overtaking the Postman, found himself in a moment lock'd in the close embraces of a MegMerrilies; while a little bandy-legg'd representative of the late SirJeffery Dunstan, bawling out, Ould wigs, Ould wigs, made a snatch at thegrave appendage of Justice, and completely dismantled the head of itsaugust representative. This delayed him in his progress, but it wasmerely to witness the wig flying in the air, with as much mirth to thesurrounding company as when the greasy night-cap of the Rev. GeorgeHarvest was toss'd about the pit at the theatre, each one giving it aswing who could get within reach of it. Thus mutilated in his ~414~~apparel, and probably conceiving, according to the song, "The wig's the thing, the wig, the wig, The wisdom's in the wig, "

Bob Tallyho took flight into a dressing-room, declaring justice wasabroad and propriety not at home. He was however rather at a loss, asin his last character he had not been able to meet with the Turk, butdetermined to resume the search in a 'Domino. Having therefore equippedhimself as a spectator, he again sallied forth with intention to explorethe room, and for a time remained comparatively unmolested; but as hecould no where find his Cousin, he strolled indiscriminately among thecharacters, viewing whatever appeared amusing or interesting in hisway. The fineness of the weather greatly animated the scene, andgave increased brilliancy and effect to the illuminations, whichwere disposed in a numerous variety of splendid devices, representingnational trophies, stars, wreaths, and crowns of laurel. It was thefirst moment he had found an opportunity of viewing the place in whichhe had been acting. 

The amusements of the evening were judiciously varied, and protractedby a constant succession of entertainments of various descriptions. Mr. Chalons exhibited many of his most surprising deceptions in the rotunda;where also young Gyngell displayed some capital performances on theslack-wire. In the long room the celebrated fantoccini exhibition, withgroupes of quadrille dancers, enlivened the scene. In one walk of thegarden, Mr. Gyngell's theatre of arts was erected, where were exhibitedbalancing, the _Ombres Chinoises_, gymnastic exercises, and otherfeats, and Mr. Gyngell performed several airs on the musical glasses; inanother, Punchinello delighted the beholders with his antics; in athird a very expert Juggler played a variety of clever tricks andsleight-of-hand deceptions, and a couple of itinerant Italians exhibitedtheir musical and mechanical show-boxes; in another part of the gardensthe celebrated Diavolo Antonio went through his truly astonishingevolutions on the _corde volante_. The Duke of Gloucester's finemilitary band occupied the grand orchestra; an excellent quadrille bandplayed throughout the night in the long room, while a Scottish reelband in the rotunda, and ~415~~ a Pandean band in the gardens, playedalternately reels, waltzes, and country dances. 

This interval of peace was truly acceptable to Bob, and he did not failto make the most of it, roving like the bee from one delight to another, sipping pleasure as he went, almost regretting he had not taken the lastdress first, though he was every now and then importuned by Mendicantsand Servant girls, very desirous to obtain places of all work. Theintroduction of a Dancing Bear, who appeared to possess more Christianqualities than his Leader, attracted his attention; but, in pressing tothe scene of action, he received a floorer from a Bruiser in gloves, whomill'd indiscriminately all who came in his way, till the Bear took theshine out of him by a fraternal embrace; and his Leader very politelyasked those around which they thought the greater bear of the two. Uponrising, Bob found himself in the hands of two itinerant Quack Doctors, each holding an arm, and each feeling for his pulse. One declared thecase was mortal, a dislocation of the neck had taken place, and therewas no chance of preserving life except by amputation of the head. The other shook his head, look'd grave, pull'd out his lancet, andprescribed phlebotomy and warm water. 

Bob, who had received no injury, except a little contusion occasioned bythe blow, seized the ignorant practitioners by the throat, and knockingtheir heads together, exclaimed with a stentorian voice, "Throw physic to the clogs, I'll none on't. " "Go along Bob, " wasrepeated again, as loud and as long as before; he however burst fromthose around him in pursuit of fresh game; nor was he disappointed, forhe presently found a dapper young Clergyman in gown and surplice, and who, with book in hand, was fervently engaged in exhortations andendeavours to turn from the evil of their ways a drunken Sailor anda hardened thief, (the Orson of the Iron Chest, ) when the group weresurrounded by a detachment of the Imps and Devils of Giovanni in London, a truly horrid and diabolical crew, who, by their hideous yells, franticcapers, violent gestures, and the flaring of their torches, scared theaffrighted Parson from his task, made his intended penitents their own, and became an almost intolerable ~416~~ nuisance to the rest of thecompany for the remainder of the evening. 

While he was thus engaged, the supper-boxes were thrown open, and thecompany appeared to be all on the move towards the more substantialentertainments of the evening. He was next suddenly detained by a JewPedlar, who was anxious to shew him his wares. 

"Get out, Smouchee, " said Bob. 

"Ant is dat all vat you can say to a poor honesht Jew, what vants tolive by his 'trade, for vye you trow my religionsh in my teeth? I'm sohonesht vat I never cheats nobody--vill you puy a gould------l Vat youtake for your gown? I shall puy or sell, it's all the same to me. 

"Now whatsoever country by chance I travel through, 'Tis all the same toI, so the monies but comes in; Some people call me tief, just because Iam a Jew; So to make them tell the truth, vy I tinks there is no sin. SoI shows them all mine coots vid a sober, winning grace, And I sometimespicks dere pockets whilst they're smiling in my face. "

Bob laugh'd, but declared he'd have nothing to do with him. 

"Then, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "you may go along Bob. "

"What! is it possible? I have been looking for you these two hours. "

"I can't eat pork, " said Dashall, resuming his character. 

"Come along, " said Bob, happy to find his relation; and catching himby the arm, they proceeded to refreshment, and partook of an excellentsupper of cold viands plentifully supplied, and accompanied with aprofusion of ices and jellies, served up in a style highly creditable tothe managers. 

Here they were joined by Mortimer, who had been as frolicsome as any impin the Gardens, in the character of the Devil, but who had lost sightof the Dandy Officer and the Nun, whom he had so ingeniously hookedtogether. The wine was good, and after enjoying their repast, Tomand Mortimer enshrined themselves in dominos for the remainder ofthe evening. The usual masquerade frolics and dancing were afterwardscontinued, and about five in the morning they left this region of fun, mirth and good humour. ~417~~

CHAPTER XXVII

 That Life is a picture of strange things and ways, A grand exhibition, each hour displays; And for London there's no place can with it compare, 'Tis a jumble of every thing curious and rare. Cheap-side Bustlers--Fleet Street Hustlers, Jockeys, Doctors--Agents, Proctors, Bow Street Slangups--Bond Street Bangups, Hide and Seekers--Opera Squeakers, Lawyers, Tailors--Bailiffs, Jailors, Shopmen, Butlers--Alderman Gutters, Patriot Talkers--Sunday Walkers, Dancers, Actors--Jews, Contractors, Placemen, Croakers--Boxers, Brokers, Swindlers, Coroners--Spies, and Foreigners, And all, all to keep up the bubble of strife, And prove ways and means--is the picture of Life. 

THE bustle and merriment of the Masquerade were long remembered in themind of Bob Tallyho, and furnished frequent conversations between himand his Cousin; and the laughable occurrences of the evening, in whichthey had been engaged, were re-enjoyed in recollection, notwithstandingthe preparations they were making for an excursion of another kindin the country, which though not exactly to the taste of Dashall, wasinflexibly persevered in by Tallyho. 

Tom tried every effort in his power to prolong the appointed periodof departure in A'ain. The heart and mind of his Cousin appeared tobe occupied with anticipated delights, which he described in the mostglowing colours of imagination. The healthful fields, the enlivening foxchase, and the sportive exercises of a country life, were detailed withecstacy; and though last, not least, the additional zest for the moreattractive scenes (in Tom's idea) that would present themselves forinspection upon a return to the Metropolis. At length it was finallyarranged that their country excursion should not exceed 418~~ one monthin duration, and that they would leave London time enough to reachBelville Hall on or before the first day of September. 

Dashall, after consenting to this arrangement, finding there was notmuch time to spare, was anxious to improve it in the pursuit of suchlively and interesting amusements as chance and accident might throwin their way. "Come, " said he, a few mornings after the masquerade, "itmust not be said that you have been so long in London without viewing asmany of its important curiosities as the time would admit; though I amsure we shall not have an opportunity of glancing at all those I couldpoint out, and I am pretty sure that persons from the country frequentlysee more in a few days residence in the Metropolis, than those who haveinhabited it for their whole lives. We will therefore take a stroll out, without any determined line of pursuit, and survey what chance may bringin our way; for the places deserving of particular inspection are sonumerous, and lay in so many directions, that it is scarcely possiblefor us to turn round without finding some objects and subjects yet instore. 

Thus saying, and taking the arm of his Cousin, they walked alongPiccadilly in a direction for the City; for as it was a clear morning, Tom, although he had not mentioned the road he meant to take, still hadan object in view. 

"It is certainly much to be deplored, " said he, as they were justentering Leicester Square by Sydney's Alley, "that the abominablenuisance of barrows being driven on the pavement cannot be removed; itis a great shame that lusty and able fellows should be wheeling foullinen, hogwash, and other filthy articles along the street, to theannoyance and inconvenience of pedestrians. "

"I am of your opinion, " replied his Cousin; "but during the short timeI have been here, I have discovered many other equally objectionableannoyances. There is, for instance, the carrying of milk pails, which, unless great care is taken, are so likely to break people's shins; andin dirty weather the trundling of boys' hoops, to the discomfiture ofmany a well-dressed Lady. "

At this moment a butcher was passing with a tray heavily loaded, and Bobnarrowly escaped a blow from the projecting corner, which immediatelyinduced him to add that to the number of what he termed street ~419~~grievances, and almost to overturn both the carrier and his load. 

"A lucky escape, " said Dashall, "for you might have lost an eye bycoming in contact with that tray, and I wonder a stop is not put to theprobability of such fatal accidents. It is related that a certainCity Alderman, whose constitution, it may be presumed, is rather of acombustible nature, by the alarms he spread during his mayoralty, ofthe intention to burn the City of London, and destroy all its peaceableinhabitants, thrashed a butcher who ran against him in the publicstreet. This it must be admitted was a summary mode of punishment, although it was not likely to remove the nuisance; but there are stillmany that are not enumerated in your list. Both by day and night inthe most frequented streets of the Metropolis and its environs, theunoffending passengers of either sex are frequently obstructed on, orabsolutely pushed off the pavement by a trio of arm-in-arm puppies;nay they will sometimes sweep the whole of the space from the wallto the curb stone, by walking four abreast, a practice brutallyinfringing the laws of civil society in pedestrian excursions through acrowded Metropolis. 

"I have however with pleasure, upon some occasions, seen these viletrespassers meet with a just resentment in the unexpected pugilisticexertions of the insulted party; and have almost rejoiced to see thempacked into a coach and sent home with bruises, black eyes, and bloodynoses, serving, it is to be hoped, as wholesome lessons for their futureconduct. In some cases duels have arisen from this violation of decorumin the King's highway, and by this means, scoundrels have been admittedto the undeserved honour of being met on a level by gentlemen. 

"These, " continued he, "are the polite encroachers on the pavé. . Thereare, however, many others, but of a less censurable, though certainlyof a finable description; such as journeymen bakers wheeling barrowsconveying the staff of life--publicans' boys collecting pewterpots--lady drivers of similar vehicles, containing oysters, inferior ordamaged fruit, delicate prog for pug dogs, cats, &c. 

"After all, the most prominent offenders, or at least obstructors ofthe public way, in my opinion, are those sturdy John Bulls, brewers'servants, by means of ropes ~420~~ and pulleys affixed to their drays, lowering down beer into, or drawing up empty casks from the cellars ofpublic-houses. Now although this may be unavoidable, ask one of thesebluff bipeds to let you pass, the consequence frequently will be, instead of rough civility, an insolent reply accompanied with vulgaroaths; in short, a torrent of abuse, if not a shove into the kennel;perhaps a grimy rope thrown against your white stockings. Private, emolument and convenience certainly ought to give way to publicaccommodation. "

"Confound that dustman's bell, " said Bob, as they passed downWych-street; "it is as bad as any thing we nave mentioned yet; itabsolutely deafens one. "

"Oh, if you call noises nuisances, we may go on with a list from thistime to this day month, and scarcely comprehend them. The cries ofLondon are many of them very laughable, and many very lamentable, and byway of contrast to the deafening dustman, take care of the bespatteringsfrom the mud cart. The garlick-eating rogues, the drivers of theseinconvenient conveniences, grinning horribly their ghastly smiles, enjoya most malicious pleasure in the opportunities which chance affordsthem, of lending a little additional decoration from the contents oftheir carts, by way of embellishment to a cleanly dressed passenger. Therefore keep, if possible, at such a respectful distance as to avoidthe effects of this low envy, and steer clear of the mudlarks. "

By this time they had passed through the line of leading thoroughfares, and had St. Paul's in their view, when Tom took occasion to remark, "Hewas sorry the scaffolding was not removed, or, " continued he, "we wouldsoon have mounted above these petty considerations, and looked down uponthe world. However, we can take a tolerable survey of the metropolisfrom the Monument, and as it is not much farther, we may as well extendour walk to that celebrated pillar, said to be one of the finest in theworld, and erected by Sir Christopher Wren in memory of the greatfire which in 1666 broke out at a house on the spot, and destroyed themetropolis from Tower Hill to Temple Bar. From this pillar you will havea fine panoramic view of London, Westminster, and Southwark; and as weare about to leave its noise, its bustle, and its inconveniences in aday or two, we may as well take a general survey. "

~421~~ Bob having signified his consent to this proposal, they made thebest of their way to the Monument, where having deposited the customaryentrance money with the door-keeper, they were allowed to ascend by thewinding staircase to the top, when a prospect was presented to the eyeof Tallyho, of which he could not have formed any previous conception. The view of the river as far as the eye could reach, each way, themoving of the boats, the bustle and activity of the streets, and thecontinued hum which arose to their ears, formed altogether a subjectof delightful contemplation; while the appearance of being as it weresuspended in the air, rendered it awful and terrific. Bob had almostgrown giddy in his ascension, and for some time took care to keep afast hold of the iron railings at top, in order to secure himself fromfalling; till Dashall drew from his pocket a telescope, and directedhis attention to Greenwich Hospital, Shooter's Hill, and the publicbuildings at a distance, where they were scarcely discernible by thenaked eye. Bob was delighted with the view of Greenwich Hospital, andthe account which his Cousin gave him of the establishment; and upondescending they took a complete walk round this celebrated pillar, marking its decorations and reading the inscription. 

"It is, " said Tom, "a fluted column of the Doric order; the total heightis 202 feet, the diameter at the base 15 feet, and the height of thecolumn 120 feet; the cone at the top, with its urn, are 42 feet; theheight of the massy pedestal is 40 feet; there are 345 steps inside;but, " continued he, ''it is really a great pity that this beautifulMonument should be in such a confined situation, for in a properplace it would form one of the most striking objects of the kind thatarchitecture is capable of producing. 

"The inscription, it is true, " continued Dashall, "had better be erased, it contains a libel, or more properly a lie, which almost contradictsitself, for no rational being can entertain the notion that theCatholics, or indeed any religious sect, could wilfully have perpetratedso horrible a deed as this pillar was intended to impute to them; norcan so much credit be given to human foresight as for it to be concludedthat a fire, which broke out in a single house, could upon this, ratherthan upon other occasions, have extended its ravages in so extraordinarya manner. --

~422~~ While we arc on the spot we will take a peep at a curious pieceof antiquity; not that I am so great a lover of such curiosities, but itwould appear almost unpardonable for you to have been in London withoutseeing London Stone. "

"I have heard of it, " said Tallyho, "and if we are near, let us have aview. "

"Come on then, " said Dashall; "This same London Stone is at presentfixed close under the south wall of St. Swithin's Church, CannonStreet. It has by some been supposed of British origin, a kind of solemnboundary, or some other object probably of a religious nature, whichthrough every change and convulsion of the State has been preserved withreverential care. But this is the very place, " said he. 

Bob stared about him with surprise, to discover this curious andapparently valuable relic, without finding it, till at length hisCousin directed his attention to the spot, which at present is under apitching-block, or resting-place for persons carrying heavy loads, andalmost burst into laughter, for he had raised his Cousin's expectationby the previous description. 

"How!" said Tallyho, "and is this your curiosity?"

"Even so, " replied Tom, "that is the celebrated London Stone; itformerly stood nearer the middle of the street, was placed deep in theground, and strongly fixed with iron bars. According to account, thefirst mention of it was in the reign of Ethelstan, king of the WestSaxons, and it has been usually viewed by our antiquaries as a militarystone, from which the Romans began the computation of their miles, aconjecture which certainly appears very reasonable, not only from thediscovery of the Roman road after the year 1666, running directly tothis stone from Watling Street, but from the exact coincidence which itsdistance bears with the neighbouring station, mentioned in Antonine'sItinerary, the principal of whose Journeys either begin or end withLondon. "

The sound of a horn interrupted this conversation. 

"Apropos, " said Tom, "we can take the Post Office in our way, a place ofconsiderable importance; so allons. "

They now pursued their way to Lombard Street. 

"This collection of buildings, " said Dashall, as they entered, "important as its concerns are to the nation, claims no praise as abuilding. It stands behind Lombard ~423~~ Street, from which, on thesouth side of the street, there is a passage leading to it, under anarched gateway. 

"A plan has, however, been adopted for erecting a building worthy ofthis great establishment, on the site now called St. Martin's-le-grand, and to improve the access to it by pulling down the east ends of NewgateStreet and Paternoster-Row. It is now proceeding rapidly. 

"The Post-office system is, however, one of the most perfect regulationsof finance and convenience existing under any government. It hasgradually been brought to its present perfection, being at first in thehands of individuals, and replete with abuses. In its present form itnot only supplies the government with a great revenue, but accomplishesthat by means highly beneficial to the persons contributing. 

"The Post-office is the most important spot on the surface of the globe. It receives information from all countries; it distributes instructionsto the antipodes; it connects together more numerous and distantinterests of men than any similar establishment. It is in the highestdegree hitherto realized, the seat of terrestrial perception andvolition--the brain of the whole earth; and hitherto it has been in anarrow valley, misshapen even to deformity, and scarcely accessible tothe few mail coaches which collect there for their nightly freights. 

"The present Post-office was erected in 1660; but great additions havebeen made to it from time to time, though the whole is disjointed andinconvenient. 

"The mode of carrying letters by the General Post was greatly improveda few years since, by a most admirable plan, invented by Mr. Palmer. Previously to its adoption, letters were conveyed by carts, withoutprotection from robbery, and subject to delays. At present they arecarried, according to Mr. Palmer's plan, by coaches, distinguishedby the name of mail-coaches, provided with a well-armed guard, andforwarded at the rate of eight miles an hour, including stoppages. Government contracts with coach-keepers merely for carrying the mail, the coach-owner making a profitable business besides, of carryingpassengers and parcels. It is not easy to imagine a combination ofdifferent interests to one purpose, more complete than this. Thewretched situation, however, of the horses, on account of the lengthof the stages which they are frequently driven, is a disgrace to thecharacter ~424~~ of the British nation, and requires the interference ofthe legislature. No stage should exceed twelve miles in length. 

"The rapidity of this mode of conveyance is unequalled in any country, and the present rate of charge for each passenger is little more thansixpence per mile. 

"Houses having boxes, for receiving letters before five o'clock, areopen in every part of the Metropolis; and after that hour bell-mencollect the, letters during another hour, receiving a fee of one 'pennyfor each letter. But, at the General Post-office, in Lombard Street, letters are received till seven o'clock: after which time, till half anhour after seven, a fee of sixpence must be paid; and from half afterseven till a quarter before eight, the postage must also be paid, aswell as the fee of sixpence. "

"Well, " said Tallyho, "for a place of such public utility and constantresort, I must confess I expected to see a building of the mostmagnificent kind; but I am also puzzled to conceive how such extensivebusiness can be carried on with so much regularity as it is. "

"Your observation, " replied his Cousin, "exactly coincides with thatof many others; but you will some day or other be as much surprisedon other subjects, for there are places in London where mercantile andlegal business is conducted in situations of obscurity, of which you canhave no conception; but as a national establishment, though its internalregulations are good, its external appearance is no recommendation toit. But come, let us proceed towards home, I have a call or two to makeon the road, for as we depart quickly for the open fields, and are tobid adieu to London smoke as well as London Stone, we have but littletime to spare, so let us post away. "

Bob, alive to this subject, did not require a second hint, but takingthe arm of Dashall, they proceeded along Cheapside, made a call atMortimer's, the Gun-smith's on Ludgate hill, provided themselves withall necessary shooting apparatus; and Tom, ever mindful of the varietywhich he conceived would be needful to render rusticity agreeable ontheir way, purchased a pair of boxing gloves, a backgammon board, andother amusing articles, to provide, as he said, against a rainy day. 

On arrival at home, they were presented with a letter from Sparkle, announcing his arrival at his new mansion, and expressing a hope that heshould have the pleasure of ~425~~ meeting his friends within a day ortwo; expatiating with great apparent delight upon the happiness of hisown situation, and promising lots of amusement, in detailing to them theevents of his peregrinations. This operated as an additional spur to thespeed of their departure, and it was agreed that they should start thenext morning. 

"I don't know, " said Bob, "whether I should really like a continuedLife in London; I have seen many of its comforts and many of itsinconveniences. " "Then, " replied Tom, "you may certainly, by theexercise of your reason, and the decision of your judgment, upon maturereflection, strike the balance; and if you do not give it in favour ofthe former, I shall entertain doubts upon your sagacity. "

"Well, " continued Bob, "I shall now have a fine opportunity for drawingout a distinct account, and when done, I will submit the result to yourinspection. "

Every thing being prepared, they were on the road to Belville Hall at anearly hour the next morning. 

As the occurrences of a Country excursion, or the delineation of aCountry Life, form no part of the intended plan of this Work, we shallnot enter into any detailed account; but leaving our Heroes in thepursuit of fresh game, under new circumstances, and in somewhatnew situations, bear in our minds their intended return, to engage, contemplate, and enjoy a future review of the complicated, yet ever newand ever varying scenes of a Real Life in London, with a determinationto meet them on arrival, and not lose sight of them in their futurerambles. 

END OF VOL. I. 

REAL LIFE IN LONDON

OR, THE

FURTHER RAMBLES AND ADVENTURES OF BOB TALLYHO, ESQ. , AND HIS COUSIN THE HON. TOM DASHALL, ETC. , THROUGH

THE METROPOLIS; EXHIBITING A LIVING PICTURE

OF FASHIONABLE CHARACTERS, MANNERS, AND

AMUSEMENTS IN HIGH AND LOW LIFE

BY an AMATEUR

EMBELLISHED AND ILLUSTRATED WITH A SERIES OF

COLOURED PRINTS, DESIGNED AND ENGRAVED

BY MESSRS. HEATH, AIKEN, DIGHTON, BROOKE, ROWLANDSON, ETC. 

VOLUME II

A NEW EDITION

METHUEN & CO. LONDON

 Chapter I. 

 A return to the metropolis, 2. Instance of exorbitant charges, 3. Field-marshal Count Bertrand, 4. Lines on the late Napoleon, 5. A mysterious vehicle, 6. The devil in Long Acre, 7. The child in the hay, 8. A family triumvirate, 9. Egyptian monuments, 10. Relations of Gog and Magog discovered, 11. The Theban ram, 12. Egyptian antiquities, 13. Egyptian mummies, &c. 14. Curiosities of the museum, 15. Statues of Bedford and Fox, 16. The knowing one deceived, 17. Covent Garden Market, 18. Miss Linwood's exhibition, 19. 

 Chapter II. 

 Tothill-fields Bridewell, 20. Perversion of justice, 21. A laudable resolution, 22. Success and disappointment, 23. A story out of the face, 24. A critical situation, 25. A hair- breadth escape, 26. Kidnappers, or crimps, 27. Summary justice averted, 28. Swindling manoeuvres, 29. Estates, &c. In nubibus, 30. Fetters and apathy, 31. Urchin thief picking-pockets, 32. Juvenile depravity, 33. 

 Chapter III. 

 Life in St. George's Fields, 34. Chums--Day rules, &c. 35. Hiring a horse--A bolter, 36. Characters of Abbot's priory, 37. Introductory sketch, 38. The flying pieman, 39. Commercial activity, 40. A cutting joke, 41. Magdalen Hospital, 42. Curious anecdote, 43. Surrey Theatre, &c, 44. Admixture of characters, &c. 45. 

 Chapter IV. 

 Entry to Abbott's park, 46. A world within walls, 47. Finding a friend at home, 48. Exterior of the chapel, 49. A finish to education, 50. The walking automaton, 51. The parliamentary don, 52. The tape merchant, &c. 53. A morning in the Bench, 54. Prison metamorphoses, 55. Friendly congratulations, 56. Preparations for a turn to, 57. The college cries, 58. Another real character, 59. A mutual take-in, 60. A college dinner, 61. Free from college rules, 62. A heavy-wet party, 63. Keeping the game alive, 64. An agreeable surprise, 65. Harmony disturbed, 66. 

 Chapter V. 

 London munificence, 67. Vauxhall Bridge, 68. Millbank Penitentiary, 69. Metamorphoses of time, 70. Cobourg Theatre, 71. Retrospection, 72. Intellectual progress, 73. Wonders of the moderns, 74. Bridge-Street association, 75. Infidel pertinacity, 76. City coffee house, 77. St. Paul's Cathedral, 78. Clockwork and great bell, 79. Serious cogitations disturbed, 80. A return homeward, 81. 

 Chapter VI. 

 Westminster Abbey, 82. Monuments--Poets' corner, 83. Henry Seventh's chapel, 84. Interesting prospect, 85. Fees exacted for admission, 86. Westminster Hall--Whitehall, 87. Sir Robert Wilson, 88. Temptations to depredation, 89. Sympathy excited, 90. A sad story strangely told, 91. Fleet Street-- Doctor Johnson, 92. Fleet Market, 93. The market in an uproar, 94. The rabbit pole-girl, 95. Princess of Cumberland, 96. Doubts of royal legitimacy, 97. Mud-larks, picking up a living, 98. The boil'd beef house, 99. A spunger, 100. Gaol of Newgate, 101. Jonathan Wild's residence, 102. Entering the Holy Land, 103. The Holy Land, 104. Salt herrings and dumplings, 105. Deluge of beer, 106. Mrs. C*r*y, 107. Andrew Whiston, 108. 

 Chapter VII. 

 A dinner party, 109. Complimentary song, 110. Irish posting, 111. Extraordinary robbery, 112. Follies of fashion--ennui, 113. A set-to in a gambling house, 114. A nunnery--the Lady abbess, 115. Life in a cellar, 116. Advantageous offer rejected, 117. "Bilge water not whiskey, " 118. Aqua fortis and aqua fifties, 119. A quarrel--appeal to justice, 120. Finale of a long story, 121. 

 Chapter VIII. 

 An unexpected visitor, 122. Private accommodations, 123. The hero of Waterloo, 124. "The lungs of the metropolis, " 125. How to cut up a human carcass. 126. Resurrectionists, 127. A perambulation of discovery, 128. Irish recognition, 129. A discovery--Mother Cummings, 130. Wife hunting, 131. Elopement, 132. Female instability, 133. Manouvres Return to town, 134. Making the most of a good thing, 135. Ingenious female shop-lifter, 136. 

 Chapter IX. 

 Thieves of habit and necessity, 137. A felicitous meeting, 138. Shopping--Ludicrous anecdote, 139. A tribute of respect, 140. Royal waxworks, Fleet Street, 141. Sir Felix as Macbeth, 142. Irish love, 143. Apathy in the midst of danger, 144. "No wassel in the lob, " 145. The bear at Kensington Palace, 146. 

 Chapter X. 

 A change of pursuits, 147. Almack's Rooms, 148. A fancy- dress ball, 149. Selection of partners, 150. Family portraits, 151. A rout and routed, 152. Pleasures of matrimony, 153. The discomfited Virtuoso, 154. 

 Chapter XI. 

 Frolics of Greenwich fair, 155. Dr. Eady--Wall chalking, 156. Packwood and puffing, 157. Greenwich Hospital, 158. Greenwich pensioners, 159. Veterans at ease, 160. The old commodore, 161. "Fought his battles o'er again, " 162. The Chapel--Hall, &e. 163. 

 Chapter XII. 

 An early hour in Piccadilly, 164. Cleopatra's needle, 165. A modest waterman, 166. Interesting scenery, 167. Philosophy in humble life, 168. Southwark Bridge, 169. London Bridge- The Shades, 170. Itinerant musicians, 171. "Do not leave your goods, " 172. Riches of Lombard Street, 173. Mansion House, 174. Curious case in justice room, 175. A reasonable proposition, 176. 

 Chapter XIII. 

 An hour in the Sessions House, 177. A piteous tale of distress, 178. Low life, 179. Serious business, 180. A capture, 181. Johnny-raws and green-horns, 182. Decker the prophet, 183. A devotee in danger, 184. 

 Chapter XIV. 

 A morning at home, 185. High life, 186. Converting felony into debt, 187. Scene in a madhouse, 188. Apathy of undertakers, 189. A provident undertaker, 190. A bribe rejected, 191. Antiquated virginity, 192. Arrangements for Easter, 193. A Sunday morning lounge, 194. Setting out for Epping hunt, 195. Involuntary flight, 196. Motley groups on the road, 197. Disasters of cockney sportsmen, 198. A beautiful crature of sixty, 199. Tothill-fields fair, 200. Whimsical introduction, 201. Ball at the Mansion-House, 202. 

 Chapter XV. 

 Guildhall, 203. Palace Yard--Relieving Guard, 204. The regions below, 205. An old friend in the dark, 206. Seeing clear again, 207. A rattler, 208. 

 Chapter XVI. 

 Civic festivity, 209. Guildhall, 210. Council chamber-- Paintings, 211. City public characters, 212. A modern Polyphemus, 213. A classic poet, 214. Rhyming contagious, 215. Smithfield prad-sellers, 216. Jockeyship in the east, 217. A peep at the Theatre, 218. The Finish, Covent Garden, 219. Wags of the Finish, 220. Smoking and joking, 222. 

 Chapter XVII. 

 A morning visit, 223. The fine arts, 224. Public exhibitions, 225. Living artists, 226. Horse Guards-- Admiralty, 227. Westminster Bridge, 228. Promenade Rooms, 229. Improvements in the Park, 230. Ludicrous anecdote, 231. A crazy fabric, 232. Regal splendour, 233. Marlborough House, 234. Limmer's Hotel, 235. Laconic prescription, 236. How to take it all, 237. How to get a suit of clothes, 238. Ingenious swindling, 239. Talent perverted, 240. 

 Chapter XVIII. 

 The Harp, Drury Lane, 241. Wards of city of Lushington, 242. The social compact, 243. A popular election, 244. Close of the poll, 245. Oratorical effusions, 246. Harmony and conviviality, 247. Sprees of the Market, 248. A lecture on heads, 249. A stroll down Drury Lane, 250. A picture of real characters, 251. "The burning shame, " 253. Ludicrous procession, 254. 

 Chapter XIX. 

 An old friend returned, 255. A good object in view, 256. An alarming situation, 257. Choice of professions, 258. Pursuit of fortune, 259. Advantages of law, 260. A curious law case, 261. Further arrangements, 262. 

 Chapter XX. 

 St. George's day, 263. Royalty on the wing, 264. Progress to the levee, 265. An unfortunate apothegm, 266. How to adjust a quarrel, 267. Wisdom in wigs, 268. A classical acquaintance, 269. Royal modesty, 270. Ludicrous anecdote, 271. A squeeze in the drawing-room, 272. Pollution of the sanctorum, 273. Procession of mail coaches, &c. 274. A parody, 275. Two negatives make a positive, 276. Remarkable anecdote, 277. Marrow-bones and cleavers, 278. The king and the laureat, 279. A remonstrance, 280. Hint at retrenchment, 281. 

 Chapter XXI. 

 Diversity of opinions, 282. A fresh start, 283. A critique on names, 284. The Cafe Royale, Regent Street, 285. A singular character, 286. Quite inexplicable, 287. Development, 288. Aquatic excursion, 289. A narrow escape, 290. Tower of London, 291. The lost pilot found, 295. River gaiety, 296. Rowing match, 297. 

 Chapter XXII. 

 The tame hare, 298. Ingenuity of man, 299. London sights and shows, 300. Automaton chess player, 301. South sea bubble, 302. New City of London tavern, 303. Moorfields, 304. Epitaph collector, 305. Monumental gleanings, 307. Voluminous collectors, 309. A horned cock, 310. Extraordinary performance, 311. Female salamander, 312. Regent's Canal, 313. Anecdote of a gormandizer, 314. Eating a general officer alive, 315. A field orator, 316. 

 Chapter XXIII. 

 Munster simplicity, 317. A visit to an astrologer, 318. A peep into futurity, 319. Treading-mill, 320. An unexpected occurrence, 321. The sage taken in, 322. Statue of ill luck, 323. A concatenation of exquisites, 324. How to walk the streets, 325. How to make a thoroughfare, 326. Dog stealers, 327. Canine knavery, 328. A vexatious affair, 329. How to recruit your finances, 330. A domestic civic dinner, 331. The very respectable man, 332. 

 Chapter XXIV. 

 Vauxhall Gardens, 334, Various amusements, 335. Sober advice, 336. Fashionable education, 337. University education, 338. Useful law proceedings, 339. How to punish a creditor, 340. Exalted characters, 341. Profligacy of a peer, 342. Mr. Spankalong, 343. Other characters of ton, 344. Sprig of fashion, 345. An everlasting prater, 346. And incorrigible fribble, 347. Kensington Gardens and Park, 348. Statue of Achilles, 349. 

 Chapter XXV. 

 A medley of characters, 353. Fashionables, 354. More fashionables, 355. More life in St. Giles's, 356. Reconnoitring--a discovery, 357. Tragedy prevented, 358. Fat, fair, and forty, 359. Philosophic coxcombs, 360 Blanks in society, 361. 

 Chapter XXVI. 

 A ride, 362. Exceptions to trade rivalship, 363. Effects of superior education, 364. Affectation in names, 365. Portraits of governesses, 366. Road to matrimony, 367. Villainy of private madhouses, 369. Appearances may deceive, 370. 

 Chapter XXVII. 

 Pleasing intelligence, 371. Moralizing a little, 373. Cries of London, 374. The Blacking Poet, 375. Literary squabble 376. Curious Merchandise, 377. 

 Chapter XXVIII. 

 A new object of pursuit, 378. Royal visit to Scotland, 379. Embarkation, 381. Royal recollections, 38'2. 

 Chapter XXIX. 

 Port of London, 383. Descriptive entertainment, 384. A rea swell party, 385. An Irish dancing master, 386. Female disaster, 387. Blackwall--East India Docks, 388. Sir Robert Wigram, 389. Domestic happiness, 390. West India Docks, 391. Loudon Docks, 393. News from home, 394. 

 Chapter XXX. 

 Travelling preparations, 395. Whimsical associations, 396. Antiquity and origin of signs, 397. Signs of altered times, 398. Ludicrous corruptions, 399. A curious metamorphosis, 400. A sudden breeze, 401. A smell of powder, 402. 

 Chapter XXXI. 

 An unexpected visitor, 403. Sketches of fashionable life, 404. A Corinthian rout, 405. A Corinthian dinner party, 406. A new picture of real life, 409. More wise men of the East, 411. 

 Chapter XXXII. 

 Anticipation of danger, 415. Smoke without fire, 416. Fonthill Abbey, 417. Instability of fortune, 419. Wealth without ostentation, 420. Eccentricity of character, 421. Extremes meeting, 422. 

 Chapter XXXIII. 

 Sketches of new scenes, 423. A critical essay on taste, 424. The pleasures of the table, 425. A whimsical exhibition, 426. Canine sobriety, 427. 

 Chapter XXXIV. 

 Anticipation, 428. Obligation, 429. Change of subjects, 430 Magasin de Mode, 431. Bell, Warwick Lane, 432. Bull and Mouth Street, 433. Bull and Mouth Inn, 434. Jehu chaff, 435. Adieu to London, 436. 

LIST OF THE PLATES

 The Ladder of Life Frontispiece. 

 Illustrated Title Page. 

 British Museum 10

 King's-Bench Prison 62

 King Charles's Crib 130

 Blue Ruin

 Almack's Rooms 196

 Easter Hunt

 Coster-mongers

 A Stroll down Drury-Lane 250

 Presentation at the Levée 263

 Ascot Races

 A Real Swell Party 386

 Bull and Mouth Inn 434

REAL LIFE IN LONDON

CHAPTER I

 With what unequal tempers are we form'd! One day the soul, elate and satisfied, Revels secure, and fondly tells herself The hour of evil can return no more: The next, the spirit, pall'd and sick of riot, Turns all to discord, and we hate our being, Curse our past joys, and think them folly all. 

~1~~MATTER and motion, say Philosophers, are inseparable, and thedoctrine appears equally applicable to the human mind. Our countrySquire, anxious to testify a grateful sense of the attentions paidhim during his London visit, had assiduously exerted himself since hisreturn, in contributing to the pleasures and amusements of his visitors;and Belville Hall presented a scene of festive hospitality, at oncecreditable to its liberal owner, and gratifying to the numerous gentryof the surrounding neighbourhood. 

But however varied and numerous the sports and recreations of rurallife, however refined and select the circle of its society, theypossessed not the endless round of metropolitan amusement, nor thoseever-varying delights produced amid "the busy hum of men, " where everystreet is replete with incident and character, and every hour fraughtwith adventure. 

Satiety had now evidently obtruded itself amid the party, and itsattendants, lassitude and restlessness, were not long in bringing up therear. The impression already made upon the mind of Bob by the cursoryview he had taken of Life in London was indelible, and it requiredlittle persuasion on the part of his cousin, the Hon. Tom Dashall, to induce him again to return to scenes of so much delight, and whichafforded such inexhaustible stores of amusement to an ardent andyouthful curiosity. 

~2~~A return to the Metropolis having therefore been mutually agreedupon, and every previous arrangement being completed, the Squire oncemore abdicated for a season his paternal domains, and accompanied byhis cousin Dashall, and the whole _ci-devant_ party of Belville Hall, arrived safe at the elegant mansion of the latter, where they planneda new system of perambulation, having for its object a furtherinvestigation of manners, characters, objects, and incidents, connectedwith _Real Life in London_. 

"Come, " cried Dashall, one fine morning, starting up immediately afterbreakfast--

 "----rouse for fresh game, and away let us haste, The regions to roam of wit, fashion, and taste; Like Quixote in quest of adventures set out, And learn what the crowds in the streets are about; And laugh when we must, and approve when we can, Where London displays ev'ry feature of man. "

"The numerous hotels, bagnios, taverns, inns, coffee-houses, eating-houses, lodging-houses, &c. In endless variety, which meetthe eye in all parts of the metropolis, afford an immediate choiceof accommodation, as well to the temporary sojourner as the permanentresident; where may be obtained the necessaries and luxuries of life, commensurate with your means of payment, from one shilling to a guineafor a dinner, and from sixpence to thirty shillings a night for alodging!

"The stranger recommended to one of these hotels, who regales himselfafter the fatigues of a journey with moderate refreshment, and retiresto rest, and preparing to depart in the morning, is frequently surprisedat the longitudinal appearance and sum total of his bill, wherein everyitem is individually stated, and at a rate enormously extravagant. Remonstrance is unavailable; the charges are those common to the house, and in failure of payment your luggage is under detention, withoutthe means of redress; ultimately the bill must be paid, and the onlyconsolation left is, that you have acquired a useful, thoughexpensive lesson, how to guard in future against similar exaction andinconvenience. "{1}

 1 Marlborough Street. --Yesterday, Mrs. Hickinbottom, the wife of Mr. Hickinbottom, the keeper of the St. Petersburgh Hotel in Dover Street, Piccadilly, appeared to a summons to answer the complaint of a gentleman for unlawfully detaining his luggage under the following circumstances: The complainant stated, that on Thursday evening last, on his arrival in town from Aberdeen, he went to the White Horse Cellar, Piccadilly; but the house being full, he was recommended to the St. Petersburgh Hotel in Dover Street; where, having taken some refreshment and wrote a letter, he went to bed, and on the following morning after break-fast, he desired the waiter to bring him his bill, which he did, and the first item that presented itself was the moderate charge of one pound ten shillings for his bed; and then followed, amongst many others, sixpence for a pen, a shilling for wax, a shilling for the light, and two and sixpence for other lights; so that the bill amounted in the whole to the sum of two pounds one shilling for his night's lodging! To this very exorbitant charge he had refused to submit; in consequence of which he had been put to great inconvenience by the detention of his luggage. The magistrate animadverted with much severity on such extravagant charges on the part of the tavern-keeper, and advised that upon the gentleman paying fifteen shillings, the things might be immediately delivered up. To these terms, however, Mrs. Hickinbottom refused to accede, adding at the same time, that the gentleman had only been charged the regular prices of the house, and that she should insist upon the whole amount of the bill being paid, for that the persons who were in the habit of coming to their house never objected to such, the regular price of their lodgings being ten guineas per week! The magistrate lamented that he had no power to enforce the things being given up, but he recommended the complainant to bring an action against the tavern-keeper for the detention. 

~3~~ These were the observations directed by Dashall to his friend, as they passed, one morning, the _Hotel de la Sabloniere_ in LeicesterSquare. 

"Doubtless, " he continued, "in those places of affluent resort, theaccommodations are in the first style of excellence; yet with referenceto comfort and sociability, were I a country gentleman in the habit ofoccasionally visiting London, my temporary domicile should be the snugdomesticated Coffee-house, economical in its charges and pleasurable inthe variety of its visitors, where I might, at will, extend or abridgemy evening intercourse, and in the retirement of my own apartment feelmyself more at home than in the vacuum of an hotel. "

The attention of our perambulators, in passing through the Square, wasattracted by a fine boy, apparently about eight years of age, dressed inmourning, who, at the door of Brunet's Hotel, was endeavouring withall his little strength and influence to oppose the egress of a largeNewfoundland dog, that, indignant of restraint, seemed desirous in astrange land of introducing himself to ~4~~ canine good fellowship. Theboy, whose large dark eyes were full of animation, and his countenance, though bronzed, interestingly expressive, remonstrated with the dog inthe French language. "The animal does not understand you, " exclaimedTallyho, in the vernacular idiom of the youth, "Speak to him inEnglish. " "He must be a clever dog, " answered the boy, "to know Englishso soon, for neither him nor I have been in England above a week, andfor the first time in our lives. "--"And how is it, " asked Tallyho, "that you speak the English language so fluently?" "O, " said the littlefellow, "my mother taught it me; she is an English woman, and for thatreason I love the English, and am much fonder of talking their languagethan my own. " There was something extremely captivating in the boy. Thedog now struggling for freedom was nearly effecting his release, when the two friends interposed their assistance, and secured thepre-meditating fugitive at the moment when, to inquire the cause of thebustle, the father of the child made his appearance in the personof Field Marshal Count Bertrand. The Count, possessing all thecharacteristics of a gentleman, acknowledged politely the kind attentionof the strangers to his son, while, on the other hand, they returnedhis obeisance with the due respect excited by his uniform friendship andundeviating attachment to greatness in adversity. The discerning eyeof Field Marshal Bertrand justly appreciated the superior rank of thestrangers, to whom he observed, that during the short period he had thenbeen in England, he had experienced much courtesy, of which he shouldalways retain a grateful recollection. This accidental interview wascreative of reciprocal satisfaction, and the parties separated, notwithout an invitation on the part of the boy, that his newly foundacquaintances would again visit the "friends of the Emperor. "{1}~5~~

 1 LINES SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY THE EX-EMPEROR NAPOLEON IN HIS LAST ILLNESS. 

 Too slowly the tide of existence recedes For him in captivity destined to languish, The Exile, abandon'd of fortune, who needs The friendship of Death to obliviate his anguish. Yet, even his last moments unmet by a sigh, Napoleon the Great uncomplaining shall die!

 Though doom'd on thy rock, St. Helena, to close My life, that once presag'd ineffable glory, Unvisited here though my ashes repose, No tablet to tell the lone Exile's sad story, -- Napoleon Buonaparte--still shall the name Exist on the records immortal of Fame!

 Posterity, tracing the annals of France, The merits will own of her potent defender; Her greatness pre-eminent skill'd to advance, Creating, sustaining, her zenith of splendour; Who patroniz'd arts, and averted alarms, Till crush'd by the union of nations in arms!

 I yield to my fate! nor should memory bring One moment of fruitless and painful reflection Of what I was lately--an Emperor and King, Unless for the bitter, yet fond recollection Of those, who my heart's best endearments have won, Remote from my death-bed--my Consort and SON!

 Denied in their arms even to breathe my last sigh, No relatives' solace my exit attending; With strangers sojourning, 'midst strangers I die, No tear of regret with the last duties blending. To him, the lorn Exile, no obsequies paid, Whose fiat a Universe lately obey'd!

 Make there then my tomb, where the willow trees wave, And, far in the Island, the streamlet meanders; If ever, by stealth, to my green grassy grave Some kind musing spirit of sympathy wanders-- "Here rests, " he will say, "from Adversity's pains, Napoleon Buonaparte's mortal remains!"

 We have no disposition to enter into the character of the deceased Ex-Emperor; history will not fail to do justice alike to the merits and the crimes of one, who is inevitably destined to fill so portentous a page on its records. At the present time, to speak of the good of which he may have been either the intentional or the involuntary instrument, without some bias of party feeling would be impossible. 

 "Hard is his fate, on whom the public gaze Is fix'd for ever, to condemn or praise; Repose denies her requiem to his name, And folly loves the martyrdom of fame. "

 At all events, he is now no more; and "An English spirit wars not with the dead. "

"The Count, " said Dashall to his Cousin, as they pursued their walk, "remains in England until he obtain ~6~~ permission from the King ofFrance to return to his native country: that such leave will be given, there is little doubt; the meritorious fidelity which the Count hasuniformly exemplified to his late unfortunate and exiled Master, has obtained for him universal esteem, and the King of France is toogenerous to withhold, amidst the general feeling, his approbation. "

Passing through Long Acre in their progress towards the British Museum, to which national establishment they had cards of admission, the twofriends were intercepted in their way by a concourse at a coach-maker'sshop, fronting which stood a chariot carefully matted round thebody, firmly sewed together, and the wheels enveloped in hay-bands, preparatory to its being sent into the country. Scarcely had theseprecautionary measures of safety been completed, when a shrill cry, as if by a child inside the vehicle, was heard, loud and continuative, which, after the lapse of some minutes, broke out into the urgent andreiterated exclamation of--"Let me out!--I shall be suffocated!--praylet me out!"

The workmen, who had packed up the carriage, stared at each other inmute and appalling astonishment; they felt conscious that no child waswithin the vehicle; and when at last they recovered from the stupor ofamazement, they resisted the importunity of the multitude to strip thechariot, and manfully swore, that if any one was inside, it must bethe Devil himself, or one of his imps, and no human or visible beingwhatsoever. 

Some, of the multitude were inclined to a similar opinion. Thecrowd increased, and the most intense interest was depicted in everycountenance, when the cry of "Let me out!--I shall die!--For heaven'ssake let me out!" was audibly and vehemently again and again repeated. 

The impatient multitude now began to cut away the matting; when theworkmen, apprehensive that the carriage might sustain some damage fromthe impetuosity of their proceedings, took upon themselves the act ofdismantling the mysterious machine; during which operation, the cry of"Let me out!" became more and more clamorously importunate. At lastthe vehicle was laid bare, and its door thrown open; when, to the utteramazement of the crowd, no child was there--no trace was to be seen ofaught, human or super-human! The ~7~~ assemblage gazed on the vacantspace from whence the sounds had emanated, in confusion and dismay. During this momentary suspense, in which the country 'Squireparticipated, a voice from some invisible agent, as if descending thesteps of the carriage, exclaimed--"Thank you, my good friends, I am verymuch obliged to you--I shall now go home, and where my home is you willall know by-and-by!"

With the exception of Dashall and Tallyho, the minds of the spectators, previously impressed with the legends of superstition and diablerie, gave way under the dread of the actual presence of his satanic majesty;and the congregated auditors of his ominous denunciation instantaneouslydispersed themselves from the scene of witchery, and, re-assembling ingroupes on distant parts of the street, cogitated and surmised _on theDevil's visit to the Coachmakers of Long Acre!_

Tallyho now turned an inquisitive eye on his Cousin, who answered thesilent and anxious enquiry with an immoderate fit of laughter, declaringthat this was the best and most ingenious hoax of any he had everwitnessed, and that he would not have missed, on any considerationwhatsoever, the pleasure of enjoying it. "The Devil in Long Acre!--Ishall never forget it, " exclaimed the animated Cousin of the staring anddiscomfited 'Squire. 

"Explain, explain, " reiterated the 'Squire, impatiently. 

"You shall have it in one word, "answered Dashall--"Ventriloquism!"{1}

 1 This hoax was actually practised by a Ventriloquist in the manner described. It certainly is of a less offensive nature than that of many others which have been successfully brought for-ward in the Metropolis, the offspring of folly and idleness. --"A fellow, " some years ago, certainly not "of infinite humour, " considering an elderly maiden lady of Berner Street a "fit and proper subject" on whom to exercise his wit, was at the trouble of writing a vast number of letters to tradesmen and others, magistrates and professional men, ordering from the former various goods, and requiring the advice, in a case of emergency, of the latter, appointing the same hour, to all, of attendance; so that, in fact, at the time mentioned, the street, to the annoy-ance and astonishment of its inhabitants, was crowded with a motley group of visitants, equestrian and pedestrian, all eagerly pressing forward to their destination, the old lady's place of residence. In the heterogeneous assemblage there were seen Tradesmen of all denominations, accompanied by their Porters, bearing various articles of household furniture; Counsellors anticipating fees; Lawyers engaged to execute the last will and testament of the heroine of the drama, and, not the least conspicuous, an Undertaker preceded by his man with a coffin; and to crown the whole, "though last not least in our esteem, " the then Lord Mayor of London, who, at the eager desire of the old Lady, had, with a commendable feeling of humanity, left his civic dominions, in order to administer, in a case of danger and difficulty, his consolation and assistance. When, behold! the clue was unravelled, the whole turn'd out an hoax, and the Author still remains in nubibus!!!

~8~~ "And who could have been the artist?" enquired Tallyho. 

"Nay, " answered his friend, "that is impossible to say; some one in thecrowd, but the secret must remain with himself; neither do I think itwould have been altogether prudent his revealing it to his alarmed andcredulous auditory. "

"A Ventriloquist, " observed the 'Squire, "is so little known in thecountry, that I had lost all reminiscence of his surprising powers;however, I shall in future, from the occurrence of to-day, resistthe obtrusion of superstition, and in all cases of 'doubtful dilemma'remember the Devil in Long Acre!"{l}

"Well resolved, " answered Dashall; and in a few minutes theygained Great Russel Street, Bloomsbury, without further incident orinterruption. 

 1 The child in the hat. --Not long since, a Waggoner coming to town with a load of hay, was overtaken by a stranger, who entered into familiar conversation with him. They had not pro-ceeded far, when, to the great terror of Giles Jolt, a plaintive cry, apparently that of a child, issued from the waggon. "Didst hear that, mon?" exclaimed Giles. The cry was renewed--"Luord! Luord! an there be na a babe aneath the hay, I'se be hanged; lend us a hand, mon, to get un out, for God's sake!" The stranger very promptly assisted in unloading the waggon, but no child was found. The hay now lay in a heap on the road, from whence the cry was once more long and loudly reiterated! In eager research, Giles next proceeded to scatter the hay over the road, the cry still continuing; but when, at last, he ascertained that the assumed infantine plaint was all a delusion, his hair stood erect with horror, and, running rapidly from his companion, announced that he had been associated on the road by the Devil, for that none else could play him such a trick! It was not without great difficulty that the people to whom he told this strange story prevailed on him to return, at last, to his waggon and horses; he did so with manifest reluctance. To his indescribable relief, his infernal companion hail vanished in the person of the Ventriloquist, and Jolt still believes in the supernatural visitation!

~9~~ Amongst the literary and scientific institutions of the Metropolis, the British Museum, situated in Great Russel Street, Bloomsbury, standspre-eminent. 

Entering the spacious court, our two friends found a party in waitingfor the Conductor. Of the individuals composing this party, thereconnoitering eye of Dashall observed a trio, from whence heanticipated considerable amusement. It was a family triumvirate, formedof an old Bachelor, whose cent per cent ideas predominated over everyother, wheresoever situated or howsoever employed; his maiden Sister, prim, starch and antiquated; and their hopeful Nephew, acomplete coxcomb, that is, in full possession of the requisiteconcomitants--ignorance and impudence, and arrayed in the first style ofthe most exquisite dandyism. This delectable triumviri had emerged fromtheir chaotic recess in Bearbinder-lane; the Exquisite, to exhibit hissweet person along with the other curiosities of the Museum; his maidenAunt, to see, as she expressed it, the "_He-gipsyian munhuments, kivered with kerry-glee-fix_;" and her Brother, to ascertain whether, independent of outlandish baubles, gimcracks and gewgaws, there was anything of substantiality with which to enhance the per contra side in theAccount Current between the British Museum and the Public!

Attaching themselves to this respectable trio, Dashall and Tallyhofollowed, with the other visitants, the Guide, whose duty it thatday was to point out the various curiosities of this great nationalinstitution. 

The British Museum was established by act of parliament, in 1753, inpursuance of the will of Sir Hans Sloane, who left his museum tothe nation, on condition that Parliament should pay 20, 000L. To hisExecutors, and purchase a house sufficiently commodious for it. Theparliament acted with great liberality on the occasion; several othervaluable collections were united to that of Sir Hans Sloane, and thewhole establishment was completed for the sum of 85, 000L. Raised bylottery. At the institution of this grand treasury of learning, itwas proposed that a competent part of 1800L. The annual sum granted byparliament for the support of the house, should be appropriated forthe purchase of new books; but the salaries necessary for the officers, together with the contingent expenses, have always exceeded theallowance; so that the Trustees have been repeatedly ~10~~ obliged tomake application to defray the necessary charges. 

Mr. Timothy Surety, the before mentioned Bearbinder-lane resident, of cent per cent rumination; his accomplished sister, Tabitha; hisexquisite nephew, Jasper; and the redoubtable heroes of our eventfulhistory, were now associated in one party, and the remaining visitantswere sociably amalgamated in another; and each having its separateConductor, both proceeded to the inspection of the first and mostvaluable collection in the universe. 

[Illustration: page10 British Museum]

On entering the gate, the first objects which attracted attentionwere two large sheds, defending from the inclemency of the seasons acollection of Egyptian monuments, the whole of which were taken fromthe French at Alexandria, in the last war. The most curious of these, perhaps, is the large Sarcophagus beneath the shed to the left, whichhas been considered as the exterior coffin of Alexander the Great, usedat his final interment. It is formed of variegated marble, and, as Mrs. Tabitha Surety observed, was "_kivered with Kerry-glee-fix_. "

"Nephew Jasper, " said his Uncle, "you are better acquainted with thenomenclature, I think you call it, of them there _thing-um-bobs_ than Iam--what is the name of this here?"

"My dear Sir, " rejoined the Exquisite, "this here is called a _Sark o'Fegus_, implying the domicile, or rather, the winding-sheet of thedead, as the sark or chemise wound itself round the fair forms of thedaughters of O'Fegus, a highland Chieftain, from whom descended Philipof Macedon, father of Alexander the Great; and thence originated thename subsequently given by the highland laird's successors, to thedormitory of the dead, the Sark o' Fegus, or in the corruption of modernorthography, Sarcophagus. "

Timothy Surety cast an approving glance towards his Nephew, andwhispering Dashall, "My Nephew, Sir, apparently a puppy, Sir, but wellinformed, nevertheless--what think you of his definition of that hardword? Is he not, I mean my Nephew Jaz, a most extraordinary young man?"

"Superlatively so, " answered Dashall, "and I think you are happy inbearing affinity to a young man of such transcendent acquirements. "

~11~~"D--n his acquirements!" exclaimed Timothy; "would you think it, they are of no use in the way of trade, and though I have given him manyan opportunity of doing well, he knows no more of keeping a set of booksby double-entry, than Timothy Surety does of keeping a pack of hounds, who was never twenty miles beyond the hearing of Bow bells in all hislifetime!"

This important communication, having been made apart from therecognition of the Aunt and Nephew, passed on their approach, unanswered; and Dashall and his friend remained in doubt whether or notthe Nephew, in his late definition of the word Sarcophagus, was injest or earnest: Tallyho inclined to think that he was hoaxing the oldgentleman; on the other hand, his Cousin bethought himself, that theapparent ingenuity of Jaz's definition was attributable entirely to hisignorance. 

Here also were two statues of Roman workmanship, supposed to be thoseof Marcus Aurelius and Severus, ancient, but evidently of provincialsculpture. 

Mrs. Tabitha, shading her eyes with her fan, and casting a glance askewat the two naked figures, which exhibited the perfection of symmetry, enquired of her Nephew who they were meant to represent. 

His answer was equally eccentric with that accorded to his Uncle on thesubject of the Sarcophagus. 

"My dear Madam!" said Jaz, "these two figures are consanguineous tothose of Gog and Magog in Guildhall, being the lineal descendants ofthese mighty associates of the Livery of London!"

"But, Jaz" rejoined the antique dame, "I always understood thatMessieurs Gog and Magog derived their origin from quite a differentfamily. "

"Aunt of mine, " responded Jaz, "the lofty rubicunded Civic Baronetshall not be 'shorn of his beams;' he claims the same honour withhis brainless brothers before us-he is a scion of the same tree; SirW*ll**m, the twin brothers of Guildhall, and these two sedate Gentlemenof stone, all boast the honour of the same extraction!"

Behind them, on the right, was a ram's head of very curious workmanship, from Thebes. 

"Perhaps, Sir, " said Mrs. Tabitha, graciously addressing herself to'Squire Tallyho, "you can inform us what may be the import of thissingular exhibition?"

"On my honour, Madam, " answered the 'Squire, "I cannot satisfactorilyresolve the enquiry; I am a country ~12~~ gentleman, and thoughconversant with rains and rams' horns in my own neighbourhood, have noknowledge of them with reference to the connexion of the latter with theCitizens of London or Westminster!"

Jaz again assumed the office of expositor. --"My very reverend Aunt, "said Jaz, "I must prolegomenize the required explanation with a simpleanecdote:--

"When Charles the Second returned from one of his northern tours, accompanied by the Earl of Rochester, he passed through Shoreditch. Oneach side the road was a huge pile of rams' horns, for what purposetradition saith not. 'What is the meaning of all this?' asked theKing, pointing towards the symbolics. 'I know not, ' rejoined Rochester, 'unless it implies that the Citizens of London have laid their headstogether, to welcome your Majesty's return!' In commemoration of thiswitticism, the ram's head is to the Citizens of London a prominentfeature of exhibition in the British Museum. "

This interpretation raised a laugh at the expense of Timothy Surety, who, nevertheless, bore it with great good humour, being a bachelor, andconsequently not within the scope of that ridicule on the basis of whichwas founded the present sarcastic fabric. 

It was now obvious to Dash all and his friend, that this young man, Jasper Surety, was not altogether the ignoramus at first presumed. Theyhad already been entertained by his remarks, and his annotations wereof a description to warrant the expectancy of further amusement in theprogress of their inspection. 

From the hall the visitors were led through an iron gateway to thegreat staircase, opposite the bottom of which is preserved a model inmahogany, exhibiting the method used by Mr. Milne in constructing theworks of Blackfriars' Bridge; and beneath it are some curious fragmentsfrom the Giant's Causeway in Ireland. 

These fragments, however highly estimated by the naturalist and theantiquary, were held in derision by the worldly-minded Tim. Surety, who exclaimed against the folly of expending money in the purchase ofarticles of no intrinsic value, calculated only to gratify the curiosityof those inquisitive idlers who affect their admiration of everyuninteresting production of Nature, and neglect the pursuit of the mainchance, so necessary in realizing the comforts of life. 

~13~~ These sordid ideas were opposed by Dashall and the 'Squire, towhom they seemed particularly directed. Mrs. Tabitha smiled a graciousacquiescence in the sentiments of the two strangers, and Jasperexpressed his regret that Nuncle was not gifted and fated as Midas ofancient times, who transformed every thing that he touched into gold!

The Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities next attracted the attention ofthe visitors. Over a doorway in this room is a fine portrait of SirWilliam Hamilton, painted by Sir Joshua Reynolds. Dashall and Tallyhoremarked with enthusiasm on these beautiful relics of the sculptureof former ages, several of which were mutilated and disfigured by thedilapidations of time and accident. Of the company present, there stoodon the left a diminutive elderly gentleman in the act of contemplatingthe fragment of a statue in a posterior position, and which certainlyexhibited somewhat of a ludicrous appearance; on the right, theexquisite Jasper pointed out, with the self-sufficiency of an amateur, the masculine symmetry of a Colossian statue to his Aunt of antiquatedvirginity, whose maiden purity recoiling from the view of nudation, seemed to say, "Jaz, wrap an apron round him!" while in the foregroundstood the rotunditive form of Timothy Surety, who declared, after acursory and contemptuous glance at the venerable representatives ofmythology, "That with the exception of the portrait of Sir WilliamHamilton, there was not in the room an object worth looking at; and asfor them there ancient statutes, " (such was his vernacular idiom andBearbinder barbarism) "I would not give twopence for the whole of thishere collection, if it was never for nothing else than to set them up asscare-crows in the garden of my country house at Edmonton!"

Jasper whispered his aunt, that nuncks was a vile bore; and thesacrilegious declaration gave great offence to the diminutive gentlemanaforesaid, who hesitated not in pronouncing Timothy Surety destitute oftaste and vertu; to which accusation Timothy, rearing his squat formto its utmost altitude, indignantly replied, "that there was not analderman in the City of London of better taste than himself in thequalities of callipash and callipee, and that if the little gemmenpresumed again to asperse his vartue, he would bring an action againsthim tor slander and defamation of character. " The minikin man gaveTimothy a glance of ineffable disdain, and left the room. Mrs. ~14~~Tabitha, in the full consciousness of her superior acquirements, nowdirected a lecture of edification to her brother, who, however, manfullyresisted her interference, and swore, that "where his taste and_vartue_ were called in question he would not submit to any _she_ in theuniverse. "

Mrs. Tabitha, finding that on the present occasion her usual successwould not predominate, suspended, like a skilful manoeuvreist, unavailable attack, and, turning to her nephew, required to know whatpersonage the tall figure before them was meant to represent. Jasperfelt not qualified correctly to answer this enquiry, yet unwilling toacknowledge his ignorance, unhesitatingly replied, "One of the ancientrace of architects who built the Giant's Causeway in the north ofIreland. " This sapient remark excited a smile from the two friends, who shortly afterwards took an opportunity of withdrawing from furtherintercourse with the Bearbinder triumviri, and enjoyed with a morecongenial party the remaining gratification which this splendid nationalinstitution is so well calculated to inspire. 

Extending their observations to the various interesting objects of thismagnificent establishment, the two prominent heroes of our eventfulhistory derived a pleasure only known to minds of superior intelligence, to whom the wonders of art and nature impart the acmé of intellectualenjoyment. 

Having been conducted through all the different apartments, thetwo friends, preparing to depart, the 'Squire tendered a pecuniarycompliment to the Guide, in return for his politeness, but which, to thesurprise of the donor, was refused; the regulations of the institutionstrictly prohibiting the acceptance by any of its servants of fee orreward from a visitor, under the penalty of dismissal. {1}

 1 Although the limits of this work admit not a minute detail of the rarities of the British Museum, yet a succinct enumeration of a few particulars may not prove unacceptable to our Readers. 

 In the first room, which we have already noticed, besides the Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities, is a stand filled with reliques of ancient Egypt, amongst which are numerous small representatives of mummies that were used as patterns for those who chose and could afford to be embalmed at their decease. 

 The second apartment is principally devoted to works of art, be-ginning with Mexican curiosities. The corners opposite the light are occupied by two Egyptian mummies, richly painted, which were both brought from the catacombs of Sakkara, near Grand Cairo. 

 The third room exhibits a rich collection of curiosities from the South Pacific Ocean, brought by Capt. Cook. In the left corner is the mourning dress of an Otaheitean lady, in which taste and barbarity are curiously blended. Opposite are the rich cloaks and helmets of feathers from the Sandwich Islands. 

 The visitor next enters the manuscript department, the first room of which is small, and appropriated chiefly to the collections of Sir Hans Sloane. The next room is completely filled with Sir Robert Harley's manuscripts, afterwards Earl of Oxford, one of the most curious of which is a volume of royal letters, from 1437 to the time of Charles I. . The next and last room of the manuscript department is appropriated to the ancient royal library of manuscripts, and Sir Robert Cotton's, with a few-later donations. On the table, in the middle of the room, is the famous Magna Charta of King John; it is written on a large roll of parchment, and was much damaged in the year 1738, when the Cotton library took fire at Westminster, but a part of the broad seal is yet annexed. 

 We next reach the great saloon, which is finely ornamented with fresco paintings by Baptiste. Here are a variety of Roman remains, such as dice, tickets for the Roman theatres, mirrors, seals for the wine casks, lamps, &c. And a beautiful bronze head of Homer, which was found near Constantinople. 

 The mineral room is the next object of attention. Here are fossils of a thousand kinds, and precious stones, of various colours and splendours, composing a collection of astonishing beauty and magnificence. 

 Next follows the bird room; and the last apartment contains animals in spirits, in endless variety. And here the usual exhibition of the house closes. 

~15~~ Issuing from the portals of the Museum, "Apropos, " said Dashall, "we are in the vicinity of Russell-square, the residence of mystock-broker; I have business of a few moments continuance to transactwith him--let us proceed to his residence. "

A lackey, whose habiliment, neat but not gaudy, indicated theunostentatious disposition of his master, , answered the summons of theknocker: "Mr. C. Was gone to his office at the Royal Exchange. "

"The gentleman who occupies this mansion, " observed Dashall to hisfriend, as they retired from the door, "illustrates by his success inlife, the truth of the maxim so frequently impressed on the mind of theschool-boy, that perseverance conquers all difficulties. Mr. C, unaidedby any other recommendation than that of his own unassuming modestmerit, entered the very ~16~~ respectable office of which he is nowthe distinguished principal, in the situation of a young man who has noother prospect of advancement than such as may accrue from rectitude ofconduct, and the consequent approbation and patronage of his employer. By a long exemplary series of diligence and fidelity, he acquired theconfidence of, and ultimately became a partner in the firm. His strictlyconscientious integrity and uniform gentlemanly urbanity have thusgained him a preference in his profession, and an ample competency isnow the well-merited meed of his industry. "

"Combining with its enjoyment, " responded the 'Squire, "the exercise ofbenevolent propensities. "

"Exactly so much so, that his name appears as an annual subscriber tonearly all the philanthropic institutions of the metropolis, and hisprivate charities besides are numerous and reiterated. "

"This, then, is one of the few instances (said the 'Squire) of Real Lifein London, where private fortune is so liberally applied in relief ofsuffering humanity--it is worthy of indelible record. "

Circumambulating the square, the two observers paused opposite the finestatue of the late Francis Duke of Bedford. 

The graceful proportion, imposing elevation, and commanding attitude ofthe figure, together with the happy combination of skill and judgmentby the artist, in the display on the pedestal of various agriculturalimplements, indicating the favourite and useful pursuits of thisestimable nobleman, give to the whole an interesting appearance, andstrongly excite those feelings of regret which attend the recollectionof departed worth and genius. Proceeding down the spacious new streetdirectly facing the statue, our perambulators were presently inBedford-square, in which is the effigy of the late eminent statesmanCharles James Fox: the figure is in à sitting posture, unfavourableto our reminiscences of the first orator of any age or country, andis arrayed in the Roman toga: the face is a striking likeness, but theeffect on the whole is not remarkable. The two statues face each other, as if still in friendly recognition; but the sombre reflections ofDashall and his friend were broke in upon by a countryman with, "Beantthat Measter Fox, zur?" "His effigy, my ~17~~friend. " "Aye, aye, butwhat the dickens ha've they wrapt a blanket round un vor?"

Proceeding along Charlotte Street, Bloomsbury, the associates insearch of Real Life were accosted by a decent looking countryman in asmock-frock, who, approaching them in true clod-hopping style, with astrong provincial accent, detailed an unaffectedly simple, yet deep taleof distress:

 "----Oppression fore'd from his cot, His cattle died, and blighted was his corn!"

The story which he told was most pathetic, the tears the while coursingeach other down his cheeks; and Dashall and his friend were about toadminister liberally to his relief, the former observing, "There can beno deception here, " when the applicant was suddenly pounced upon by anofficer, as one of the greatest impostors in the Metropolis, who, withthe eyes of Argus, could transform themselves into a greater variety ofshapes than Proteus, and that he had been only fifty times, if not more, confined in different houses of correction as an incorrigible rogueand vagabond, from one of which he had recently contrived to effect hisescape. The officer now bore off his prize in triumph, while Dashall, hitherto "the most observant of all observers, " sustained the laughof his Cousin at the knowing one deceived, with great good humour, andDashall, adverting to his opinion so confidently expressed, "There canbe no deception here, " declared that in London it was impossible toguard in every instance against fraud, where it is frequently practisedwith so little appearance of imposition. 

The two friends now bent their course towards Covent Garden, which, reaching without additional incident, they wiled away an hour atRobins's much to their satisfaction. That gentleman, in his professionalcapacity, generally attracts in an eminent degree the attention of hisvisitors by his professional politeness, so that he seldom fails toput off an article to advantage; and yet he rarely resorts to the puffdirect, and never indulges in the puff figurative, so much practised byhis renowned predecessor, the late knight of the hammer, Christie, theelder, who by the superabundancy of his rhetorical ~18~~flurishes, wasaccustomed from his elevated rostrum to edify and amuse his admiringauditory. {1}

Of the immense revenues accruing to his Grace the Duke of Bedford, not the least important is that derived from Covent Garden market. Asproprietor of the ground, from every possessor of a shed or stall, andfrom all who take their station as venders in the market, a rent ispayable to his Grace, and collected weekly; considering, therefore, the vast number of occupants, the aggregate rental must be of the firstmagnitude. His Grace is a humane landlord, and his numerous tenantryof Covent Garden are always ready to join in general eulogium on hisprivate worth, as is the nation at large on the patriotism of his publiccharacter. 

Dashall conducted his friend through every part of the Market, amidst aredundancy of fruit, flowers, roots and vegetables, native and exotic, in variety and profusion, exciting the merited admiration of theSquire, who observed, and perhaps justly, that this celebrated emporiumunquestionably is not excelled by any other of a similar description inthe universe. 

 1 The late Mr. Christie having at one time a small tract of land under the hammer, expatiated at great length on its highly improved state, the exuberant beauties with which Nature had adorned this terrestrial Paradise, and more particularly specified a delightful hanging wood. 

 A gentleman, unacquainted with Mr. Christie's happy talent at exaggerated description, became the highest bidder, paid his deposit, and posted down into Essex to examine his new purchase, when, to his great surprise and disappointment, he found no part of the description realized, the promised Paradise having faded into an airy vision, "and left not a wreck behind!" The irritated purchaser immediately returned to town, and warmly expostulated with the auctioneer on the injury he had sustained by unfounded representation; "and as to a hanging wood, Sir, there is not the shadow of a tree on the spot!" "I beg your pardon, Sir, " said the pertinacious eulogist, "you must certainly have overlooked the gibbet on the common, and if that is not a hanging wood, I know not what it is!"

 Another of Mr. Christie's flights of fancy may not unaptly be termed the puff poetical. At an auction of pictures, dwelling in his usual strain of eulogium on the unparalleled excellence of a full-length portrait, without his producing the desired effect, "Gentlemen, " said he, "1 cannot, in justice to this sublime art, permit this most invaluable painting to pass from under the hammer, without again soliciting the honour of your attention to its manifold beauties. Gentlemen, it only wants the touch of Prometheus to start from the canvass and fall abidding!"

~19~~ Proceeding into Leicester Square, the very extraordinaryproduction of female genius, Miss Linwood's Gallery of Needleworkpromised a gratification to the Squire exceeding in novelty any thingwhich he had hitherto witnessed in the Metropolis. The twofriends accordingly entered, and the anticipations of Tallyho weresuperabundantly realized. 

This exhibition consists of seventy-five exquisite copies in needlework, of the finest pictures of the English and foreign schools, possessingall the correct drawing, just colouring, light and shade of the originalpictures from whence they are taken, and to which in point of effectthey are in no degree inferior. 

From the door in Leicester Square the visitants entered the principalroom, a fine gallery of excellent proportions, hung with scarletbroad-cloth, gold bullion tassels, and Greek borders. The appearancethus given to the room is pleasing, and indicated to the Squire a stillmore superior attraction. His Cousin Dashall had frequently inspectedthis celebrated exhibition, but' to Tallyho it was entirely new. 

On one side of this room the pictures are hung, and have a guard infront to keep the company at the requisite distance, and for preservingthem. 

Turning to the left, a long and obscure passage prepares the mind, and leads to the cell of a prison, on looking into which is seen thebeautiful Lady Jane Gray, visited by the Abbot and keeper of the Towerthe night before her execution. 

This scene particularly elicited the Squire's admiration; the deceptionof the whole, he observed, was most beautiful, and not exceeded byany work from the pencil of the painter, that he had ever witnessed. A little farther on is a cottage, the casement of which opens, and thehatch at the door is closed; and, on looking in at either, our visitantsperceived a fine and exquisitely finished copy of Gainsborough's CottageChildren standing by the fire, with chimney-piece and cottage furniturecompleat. Near to this is Gainsborough's Woodman, exhibited in the samescenic manner. 

Having enjoyed an intellectual treat, which perhaps in originality asan exhibition of needlework is no where else to be met with, ourperambulators retired, and reached home without the occurrence of anyother remarkable incident. ~20~~

CHAPTER II

 "Look round thee, young Astolpho; here's the place Which men (for being poor) are sent to starve in;-- Rude remedy, I trow, for sore disease. Within these walls, stifled by damp and stench, Doth Hope's fair torch expire, and at the snuff, Ere yet 'tis quite extinct, rude, wild, and wayward, The desperate revelries of fell Despair, Kindling their hell-born cressets, light to deeds That the poor Captive would have died ere practised, Till bondage sunk his soul to his condition. "

 The Prison. --Act I. Scene III. 

TRAVERSING the streets, without having in view any particular object, other than the observance of Real Life in London, such as might occurfrom fortuitous incident; our two perambulators skirted the Metropolisone fine morning, till finding themselves in the vicinity ofTothill-fields Bridewell, a place of confinement to which theMagistrates of Westminster provisionally commit those who are supposedto be guilty of crimes. Ingress was without much difficulty obtained, and the two friends proceeded to a survey of human nature in its mostdegraded state, where, amidst the consciousness of infamy and themiseries of privation, apathy seemed the predominant feeling with theseoutcasts of society, and reflection on the past, or anticipation of thefuture, was absorbed in the vacuum of insensibility. Reckless of hisdestiny, here the manacled felon wore, with his gyves, the semblanceof the most perfect indifference; and the seriousness of usefulretrospection was lost in the levity of frivolous amusement. Apart fromthe other prisoners was seated a recluse, whose appearance excited theattention of the two visitants; a deep cloud of dejection overshadowedhis features, and he seemed studiously to keep aloof from theobstreperous revelry of his fellow-captives. There was in his mannera something inducing a feeling of commiseration which could not beextended to his callous ~21~~ companions in adversity. His decayedhabiliment indicated, from its formation and texture, that he had seenbetter days, and his voluntary seclusion confirmed the idea that hehad not been accustomed to his present humiliating intercourse. Hisintenseness of thought precluded the knowledge of approximation on hisprivacy, until our two friends stood before him; he immediately rose, made his obeisance, and was about to retire, when Mr. Dashall, withhis characteristic benevolence, begged the favour of a few momentsconversation. 

"I am gratified, " he observed, "in perceiving one exception to thegeneral torpitude of feeling which seems to pervade this place; andI trust that your case of distress is not of a nature to precludethe influence of hope in sustaining your mind against the pressure ofdespondency. "

"The cause of my confinement, " answered the prisoner, "is originallythat of debt, although perverted into crime by an unprincipled, relentless creditor. Destined to the misery of losing a beloved wifeand child, and subsequently assailed by the minor calamity of pecuniaryembarrassment, I inevitably contracted a few weeks arrears of rent tothe rigid occupant of the house wherein I held my humble apartment, when, returned one night to my cheerless domicil, my irascible landlord, in the plenitude of ignorance and malevolence, gave me in charge of asapient guardian of the night, who, without any enquiry into the natureof my offence, conducted me to the watch-house, where I was presentlyconfronted with my creditor, who accused me of the heinous crime ofgetting into his debt. The constable very properly refused to takecognizance of a charge so ridiculous; but unluckily observing, that hadI been brought there on complaint of an assault, he would in that casehave felt warranted in my detention, my persecutor seized on the ideawith avidity, and made a declaration to that effect, although evidentlyno such thought had in the first instance occurred to him, well knowingthe accusation to be grossly unfounded. This happened on a Saturdaynight, and I remained in duresse and without sustenance until thefollowing Monday, when I was held before a Magistrate; the allegedassault was positively sworn to, and, maugre my statement of thesuspicious, inconsistent conduct of my prosecutor, I was immured in thelock-up house for the remainder of the day, on the affidavit of ~22~~perjury, and in the evening placed under the friendly care of theGovernor of Tothill-fields Bridewell, to abide the issue at the nextWestminster sessions. "

"This is a most extraordinary affair, " said the Squire; "and what do youconjecture may be the result?"

"The pertinacity of my respectable prosecutor, " said the Captive, "mightprobably induce him to procure the aid of some of his conscientiousIsraelitish brethren, whom 1 never saw, towards substantiating theaforesaid assault, by manfully swearing to the fact; but as I have nodesire of exhibiting myself through the streets, linked to a chain offelons on our way to the Sessions House, I believe I shall contriveto pay the debt due to the perjured scoundrel, which will ensure myenlargement, and let the devil in due season take his own!"

"May we enquire, " said Dashall, "without the imputation of impertinentinquisitiveness, what has been the nature of your pursuits in life?"

"Multitudinous, " replied the other; "my life has been so repletewith adventure and adversity in all its varieties, and in its futureprospects so unpropitious of happiness, that existence has long ceasedto be desirable; and had I not possessed a more than common portion ofphilosophic resignation, I must have yielded to despair; but, "When all the blandishments of life are gone, The coward sneaks todeath, --the brave live on!"

"Thirty years ago I came to London, buoyant of youth and hope, torealize a competency, although I knew not by what means the grandobject was to be attained; yet it occurred to me that I might be equallysuccessful with others of my country, who, unaided by recommendation andungifted with the means of speculation, had accumulated fortunes inthis fruitful Metropolis, and of whom, fifteen years ago, one eminentlyfortunate adventurer from the north filled the civic chair withcommensurate political zeal and ability. 

"Some are born great; others achieve greatness, And some have greatnessthrust upon them!"

"Well, Sir, what can be said of it? I was without the pale of fortune, although several of my school-mates, who had established themselvesin London, acquired, by dint of perseverance, parsimony and servility, affluent ~23~~circumstances; convinced, however, that I was notdestined to acquire wealth and honour, and being unsolaced even withthe necessaries of life, I abandoned in London all hope of success, andemigrated to Ireland, where I held for several years the situation ofclerk to a respectable Justice of the Quorum. In this situation I livedwell, and the perquisites of office, which were regularly productive onthe return of every fair and market day, for taking examinations of thepeace, and filling up warrants of apprehension against the perpetratorsof broken heads and bloody noses, consoled me in my voluntary exilefrom Real Life in London. I was in all respects regarded as one of thefamily; had a horse at my command, visited in friendly intimacy theneighbouring gentry; and, above all, enjoyed the eccentricities of thelower Irish; most particularly so when before his honour, detailing, tohis great annoyance, a story of an hour long about a tester (sixpence), and if he grew impatient, attributing it to some secret prejudice whichhe entertained against them. {1}

 1 Their method is to get a story completely by heart, and to tell it, as they call it, out of the face, that is, from the beginning to the end without interruption. 

 "Well, my good friend, I have seen you lounging about these three hours in the yard, what is your business?"

 "Plase your honour, it is what I want to speak one word to your honour. "

 "Speak then, but be quick. What is the matter?"

 "The matter, plase your honour, is nothing at all at all, only just about the grazing of a horse, plase your honour, that this man here sold me at the fair of Gurtishannon last Shrove fair, which lay down three times with myself, plase your honour, and kilt me; not to be telling your honour of how, no later back than yesterday night, he lay down in the house there within, and all the children standing round, and it was God's mercy he did not fall a-top of them, or into the fire to burn himself. So, plase your honour, to-day I took him back to this man, which owned him, and after a great deal to do I got the mare again I swopped (exchanged) him for; but he won't pay the grazing of the horse for the time I had him, though he promised to pay the grazing in case the horse didn't answer; and he never did a day's work, good or bad, plase your honour, all the time he was with me, and I had the doctor to him five times, any how. And so, plase your honour, it is what I expect your honour will stand my friend, for I'd sooner come to your honour for justice than to any other in all Ireland. And so I brought him here before your honour, and expect your honour will make him pay me the grazing, or tell me, can I process him for it at the next assizes, plase your honour?"

 The defendant now, turning a quid of tobacco with his tongue into some secret cavern in his mouth, begins his defence with

 "Plase your honour, under favour, and saving your honour's presence, there's not a word of truth in all this man has been saying from beginning to end, upon my conscience, and I would not for the value of the horse itself, grazing and all, be after telling your honour a lie. For, plase your honour, I have a dependance upon your honour that you'll do me justice, and not be listening to him or the like of him. Plase your honour, it is what he has brought me before your honour, because he had a spite against me about some oats I sold your honour, which he was jealous of, and a shawl his wife got at my shister's shop there without, and never paid for, so I offered to set the shawl against the grazing, and give him a receipt in full of all demands, but he wouldn't, out of spite, plase your honour; so he brought me before your honour, expecting your honour was mad with me for cutting down the tree in the horse park, which was none of my doing, plase your honour;--ill luck to them that went and belied me to your honour behind my back. So if your honour is plasing, I'll tell you the whole truth about the horse that he swopped against my mare, out of the face:-- Last Shrove fair I met this man, Jemmy Duffy, plase your honour, just at the corner of the road where the bridge is broke down, that your honour is to have the present for this year--long life to you for it! And he was at that time coming from the fair of Gurtishannon, and 1 the same way: 'How are you, Jemmy?' says I. 'Very well, I thank you, Bryan, ' says he: 'shall we turn back to Paddy Salmon's, and take a naggin of whiskey to our better acquaintance?' 'I don't care if I did, Jemmy, ' says I, 'only it is what I can't take the whiskey, because I'm under an oath against it for a month. ' Ever since, plase your honour, the day your honour met me on the road, and observed to me I could hardly stand, I had taken so much--though upon my conscience your honour wronged me greatly that same time--ill luck to them that belied me behind my back to your honour! Well, plase your honour, as I was telling you, as he was taking the whiskey, and we talking of one thing or t'other, he makes me an offer to swop his mare that he couldn't sell at the fair of Gurtishannou, because nobody would be troubled with the beast, plase your honour, against my horse; and to oblige him I took the mare--sorrow take her, and him along with her! She kicked me a new car, that was worth three pounds ten, to tatters, the first time I ever put her into it, and I expect your honour will make him pay me the price of the car, any how, before I pay the grazing, which I have no right to pay at all at all, only to oblige him. But I leave it all to your honour; and the whole grazing he ought to be charging for the beast is but two and eight pence halfpenny, any how, plase your honour. So I'll abide by what your honour says, good or bad; I'll leave it all to your honour. "

 I'll leave it all to your honour, literally means, I'll leave all the trouble to your honour. 

~25~~But this pleasant life was not decreed much longer to endure, the insurrection broke out, during which an incident occurred that hadnearly terminated all my then cares in this life, past, present, and tocome. 

"In my capacity as clerk or secretary, I had written one morning forthe worthy magistrate, two letters, both containing remittances, the one150L. And the other 100L. In bank of Ireland bills. We were situated atthe distance of fifteen miles from the nearest market town, and as thetimes were perilous and my employer unwilling to entrust property to theprecarious conveyance of subordinate agency, he requested that I wouldtake a morning ride, and with my own hands deliver these letters atthe post-office. Accordingly I set out, and had arrived to within threemiles of my destination, when my further progress was opposed by twomen in green uniform, who, with supported arms and fixed bayonets, were pacing the road to and fro as sentinels, in a very steady andsoldier-like manner. On the challenge of one of these fellows, with armsat port demanding the countersign, I answered that I had none to give, that I was travelling on lawful business to the next town, and requiredto know by what authority he stopt me on the King's highway, "By thepowers, " he exclaimed, "this is my authority then, " and immediatelybrought his musket to the charge against the chest of my horse. I nowlearnt that the town had been taken possession of that morning by adivision of the army of the people, for so the insurgents had styledthemselves. "You may turn your nag homewards if you choose, " said thesentry; "but if you persist in going into the town, I must pass you, bythe different out-posts, to the officer on duty. " The business in whichI was engaged not admitting of delay, I preferred advancing, and wasushered, ultimately, to the notice of the captain of the guard, whovery kindly informed me, that his general would certainly order me to behanged as a spy, unless I could exhibit good proof of the contrary. Withthis comfortable assurance, I was forthwith introduced into the presenceof the rebel general. He was a portly good-looking man, apparently aboutthe age of forty, not more; wore a green uniform, with gold embroidery, and was engaged in signing dispatches, which his secretary successivelysealed and superscribed; his staff were in attendance, and aprovost-marshal in waiting to perform the office of summary execution onthose to whom the general might attach suspicion. The insurgent leader~26~~now enquiring, with much austerity, my name, profession, fromwhence I came, the object of my coming, and lastly, whether or not Iwas previously aware of the town being in possession of the army of thepeople, I answered these interrogatories by propounding the question, who the gentleman was to whom I had the honour of addressing myself, and under what authority I was considered amenable to his inquisition. "Answer my enquiries, Sir, " he replied, "without the impertinency ofidle circumlocution, otherwise I shall consider you as a spy, and myprovost-marshal shall instantly perform on your person the duties ofhis office!" I now resorted to my letters; I had no other alternativebetween existence and annihilation. Explaining, therefore, who Iwas, and by whom employed, "These letters, " I added, "are each in myhand-writing, and both contain remittances; I came to this town for thesole purpose of putting them into the post-office, and I was not aware, until informed by your scouts, that the place was in the occupation ofan enemy. " He deigned not a reply farther than pointing to one ofthe letters, and demanding to know the amount of the bill which itenveloped; I answered, "One hundred and fifty pounds. " He immediatelybroke the seal, examined the bill, and found that it was correct. "Now, Sir, " he continued, "sit down, and write from my dictation. " He dictatedfrom the letter which he had opened, and when I had finished thecopy, compared it next with the original characters, expressed hissatisfaction at their identity, and returning the letters, licensed mydeparture, when and to where I list, observing, that I was fortunate inhaving had with me those testimonials of business, "Otherwise, " said he, "your appearance, under circumstances of suspicion, might have led to afatal result. "--"You may be assured, gentlemen, " continued the narrator, "that I did not prolong my stay in the town beyond the shortestrequisite period; two mounted dragoons, by order of their general, escorted me past the outposts, and I reached home in safety. Theseoccurrences took place on a Saturday. The triumph of the insurgenttroops was of short duration; they were attacked that same night by theKing's forces, discomfited, and their daring chieftain taken prisoner. On the Monday following his head, stuck upon a pike, surmounted themarket-house of Belfast. The scenes of anarchy and desperation in whichthat ~27~~ unfortunate country became now involved, rendered it no verydesirable residence. I therefore procured a passport, bid adieu to theEmerald Isle, Erin ma vorneen slan leet go bragh! and once more returnedto London, to experience a renewal of that misfortune by which I have, with little interval, been hitherto accompanied, during the whole periodof my eventful life. "

The two strangers had listened to the narrative with mingled sensationsof compassion and surprise, the one feeling excited by the peculiarity, the other by the pertinacity of his misfortunes, when their cogitationswere interrupted by a dissonant clamour amongst the prisoners, who, itappeared, had united in enmity against an unlucky individual, whom theywere dragging towards the discipline of the pump with all the eagernessof inflexible vengeance. 

On enquiry into the origin of this uproar, it was ascertained that oneof the prisoners under a charge of slight assault, had been visited bythis fellow, who, affecting to commiserate his situation, proposed toarrange matters with his prosecutor for his immediate release, withother offers of gratuitous assistance. This pretended friend wasrecognised by one of the prisoners as a kidnapper. 

A kidnapper, or crimp, is one of those fellows of abandoned principles, who enter into the pay of the East India Company in order to recruittheir army, and when a guinea or two is advertised to be given to anyperson that brings a proper man of five feet eight or nine inches high, lie in wait to entrap men for the money. Some of these gentry assumethe character of officers, others of Serjeants, drummers, and recruits, without the least shadow of commission among them. They have manyways of inveigling the artless and unthinking. One or two of thesekidnappers, dressed as countrymen, go five or six miles out of town tomeet the waggons and stages, and enquire if John Such-a-one is come up, which is answered in the negative, no such person being known; theythen enter into discourse with the countrymen, and being perfectlycomplaisant, engage attention, and by the time they get to London, learntheir occupations and business to town; whether they are in search ofplaces, trades, or intend to return home again, which intelligencethey in general profit by. Coming to the place of rendezvous, the ~28~~kidnappers propose a pint of porter, which being agreed on, they enterthe house where their companions are in waiting, enjoy themselves overflowing bowls, and exhilirating their spirits with loyal toasts andsongs, begin their business by enquiring who is willing to serve HisMajesty. The countryman, if inclined thereto, is generally deceived; ifhis desire is for the guards, or any other particular regiment, thereare at hand mock Serjeants and privates, who will swear they belong tothe corps, and the dupe is trepanned for the East Indies, hurried onboard a ship, or kept in some dismal place of security till a sufficientnumber is collected, and an opportunity serves to send them away. 

On the other hand, should the countryman be averse to enlisting, andtalk of going away, these crimps will swear that he has received ashilling or more of the bounty-money, insisting that they saw him putthe money into such and such a pocket; it is in vain that the countrymandenies having received it, search is made, money found, and he iscompelled to submit or pay the smart. 

Others again, of these prowlers, frequent the places of confinement, andlearning the particular case of some prisoner for small debt or slightassault, kindly otter to mediate with the prosecutor or creditorin effecting liberation. The pretended friend assumes the mostdisinterested feeling of sympathy, ingratiates himself into confidence, and generally terminates his machinations with success; accomplishes theprisoner's release, and sends him ultimately from temporary duresse toperpetual exile. 

Such was the character of the fellow now placed in the ominous guidanceof an exasperated multitude; they urged him forward to the place ofpunishment; but the tumultuary assemblage were disappointed in theiranticipated vengeance, by the interposition of the turnkeys, and thepretended friend escaped the meditated castigation. 

"Observe, again, " said the narrator, "that dashing young fellow, arrayedin the first style of dandyism. "

"My good fellow, " interrupted Bob, "he is not, I should think, one ofthe community; he has, apparently, the manners of the well bred andaccomplished gentleman. " "And for that very reason, Sir, is the betterqualified to ~29~~ carry on his profession with impunity; he whom youdignify with the appellation of a well bred and accomplished gentleman, is all that you have expressed of him, with the exception of one word, that is, substitute for gentleman, swindler, and the character is justlydelineated. This fellow, of desperate enterprize, is one of the numerouspractitioners of knavery, who set themselves up for men of propertyand integrity, the more easily to defraud the unwary and ignorant out oftheir substance and effects. This Spark, connecting himself with severalothers of similar pursuit, they took a genteel house in a respectablepart of the town, and dividing themselves into classes of masters, clerks, out-riders, shopmen, porters, and servants, and thus makinga show of opulence, they easily obtained credit, and laid in goods ofevery kind, which they sent into the country and sold, or bartered forother commodities; these commodities they brought up to London, and soldfor ready money, generally taking in exchange double the quantity, andpaying for the same with notes of their own drawing, indorsing, andfabricating, for the purpose of cheating the poor deluded farmer, shopkeeper, and tradesman in the interior of the country. With respectto tradesmen in town, the goods they took of them on trust they disposedof to Jews, and other receivers of stolen goods, at about thirty percent under value, for ready money, nay, forty per cent rather than nothave the cash; and as their stay in one place could not safely exceedfive months, on account of their creditors calling in their debts, and their country notes becoming due, they used to make all possibledispatch to dispose of the various articles, and evacuate the premisesbefore detection. This done, they played the same game elsewhere, when, _Proteus_ like, they changed shapes, and disguised themselves so asnot to be known, and carried on business in another house, but in adifferent name; the master became the rider, the rider the master, theclerks descended to footmen and porters, the footmen to porters andclerks, and so on throughout, until they had drained many parts of thetown and country, to the ruin of several worthy and honest families. However, the co-partnership is now dissolved, the establishment is brokeup, and the different individuals of this nefarious gang of depredators, of whom the well bred and accomplished gentleman, the subject of ourremarks, is one of the principals, are consigned to ~30~~ differentgaols for further examination and final commitment. "

Dashall expressed thanks for the interesting communication, and theSquire his astonishment that the credulity of man could warrant the hopeof success to such a combination, however systematically arranged; andwhere so many were concerned (and the distribution of plunder perhaps byno means equalized, ) that some dissatisfied individual did not renouncethe dangerous connection in the hope of impunity and reward. 

"We know not that there is any subordinate division of spoil, " said theother; "but if such there be, it may in this union of interests be themaxim as with other co-partnership concerns, that he, by whatsoevermeans, who contributes the most to the general stock, shall participatethe most in the general benefit. 

"Swindlers have other means of cheating and tricking the public, suchas answering the advertisements of tradesmen who are in want of a sum tomake good a payment, and offering, in consideration of a small premium, to get them the money required, on their note of hand, which theypremise must be first given, and the money will be immediately advanced;the necessitated person agrees to the terms, and unthinkingly giveshis note, which one of the Swindlers carries away, with a promise of aspeedy return with the money wanted, but neither Swindler nor noteis forthcoming until it becomes due, after having passed throughmany different hands, some of whom can ascertain giving a valuableconsideration for the same, and fix the drawer to the payment, whoseconsolation for his credulity is, paying the money or going to prison. 

"In case of a stagnation of trade, the Swindlers advertise themselves toborrow or lend upon good security. If they borrow, they have sham deeds, and make false conveyance of estates in _nubibus_, nobody knows where;if they lend, they artfully inveigle the borrower out of his security, which they take up money upon and convert to their own use, withoutthe deluded person's knowledge; and by absconding, leave him to themortification of descanting on their roguery, and his own want offoresight. "

~31~~ The triumvirate were once more interrupted; a newcomer hadarrived, and the prisoners hailed his initiation with the first stanzaof an old song:--

 "Welcome, welcome, brother debtor, To this poor, but merry place, Where no Bailiff, Dun, nor Setter, {1} Dares to shew his frightful face: But, kind Sir, as you're a stranger, Down your garnish you must lay, Else your coat will be in danger, -- You must either strip or pay!"

 1 Setters--This appellation is applicable to others than those-alluded to in the above stanza, as connected with Duns and Bailiffs. They are a dangerous set of wretches, who are capable of committing any villany, as well by trepanning a rich heir into matrimony with a cast-off mistress or common prostitute, as by coupling a young heiress with a notorious sharper, down to the lowest scene of setting debtors for the bailiff and his followers. Smitten with the first glance of the lady, you resign your heart, the conjugal knot is tied, and, like the Copper Captain, you find the promised land, houses, and furniture, the property of another, and not of yourself. 

The novitiate, neither surprised at his reception, nor adverse to thecustom of the place, seemed quite at home, paid his garnish withouthesitation, and entered at once into the vacuum of indifference with hisnew associates. 

The attention of Dashall and Tallyho was attracted by the clank offetters, as one of the prisoners squatted himself on the pavement ofthe yard. Leaning his back against the wall, he commenced darning an oldstocking, chanting at same time an old song from the Beggar's Opera, as if predicting his own fate, yet with a manner indicating the mostcallous indifference--

 "Since laws were made for every degree, To curb vice in others as well as in me, I wonder we ha'n't better company Upon Tyburn tree. ----

 But gold from law can take out the sting, And if rich men like us were to swing, 'Twould thin the land, such numbers would string Upon Tyburn tree. ----

The irreclaimable depravity of this man could not excite any urgentfeeling of sympathy in his behalf, and our two friends took no furthernotice of him. 

~32~~ Their Intelligencer, who in the meanwhile had gone forth forinformation, now advancing, --"I thought, " said he, "that I had seenelsewhere this Johnny Newcome; he is a sharper, another preciousaddition to our respectable community. "{1}

"Respectable, indeed, " exclaimed Tallyho, as he detected an urchin thiefin the act of picking his pocket of his handkerchief. This hopeful imp, though young in years, was experienced in iniquity, had served an activeapprenticeship to the art of picking pockets with impunity, 1 The Sharper, who has generally had a genteel education, is a person of good address and conversation, has more the power of delusion at will than the unlettered cheat, devoid of address and other requisites to complete the pretended gentleman, and therefore should be more carefully avoided. These villains, having run through their fortunes at an early period of life by associating with professed gamblers and sharpers, (who having eased them of their money, in return complete them for the profession by which they have been ruined) set up for themselves, throw aside honour and conscience, and quote the lex talionis for deceiving others, as they themselves have been deceived. These gentry are to be met with at horse-races, cock-fights, the billiard and hazard tables, and at all public places of diversion. On your entering the coffee-house, tavern, or gaming-house, the Sharper views you with attention, and is not long before he becomes acquainted and very intimate with you; if you agree to his proposal to play, if he cannot beat you by fair, he will by foul means. Rather than lose, he will elude your attention, and raise your passion sufficiently to put you off your guard, while he plays his underhand game, and cheats you before your face; and though you are sensible of being cheated, yet you shall not be able to discover by what means it is effected. The various methods sharpers have to cheat and deceive are so many and unaccountable, that it would exceed the limits of our publication to detail even the tenth-part of them; their study is to supply their exigencies by means within their power, however wicked or villanous. If you associate with sharpers, you must not only expect, but deserve to be cheated by them for your credulity; for who would go with his eyes open into a den of thieves, but in expectation of being robbed? Or, who would herd with sharpers, and not expect to be cheated? We would therefore advise the stranger in London to shun these reptiles of the creation, fraught with guile, and artful as the serpent to delude. Beware of their conversation, avoid their company, take no notice of their tricks, nor be caught by their wheedling professions of friendship; listen not to any of their enticements, if you would preserve your peace and property; be not fond of making new acquaintance with persons you do not know, however genteel in appearance and behaviour, for many a villain lurks under the disguise of a modern fine gentle-man; and if any stranger asks you to play with him for money, set him down in your mind as a Sharper, " and leave the room immediately. 

~33~~and at last became so great an adept in the profession, that atthe early age of thirteen years he was unanimously elected captain ofan organized band of juvenile depredators, some much younger, none olderthan himself, who for a considerable length of time set at defiance thevigilance of the police. These young fry carried on a long protractedsuccessful war of extermination against ladies' reticules. One urchin, watching her approach, would lay himself across the path she must pass, and it frequently happened that she tumbled over him; a grab was thenmade at the reticule, the watch, and the shawl, with which the youngvillains generally got clear off. Others, in detachments of two orthree, would hover about the door or window of a tradesman's shop, cutout a pane of glass, and abstract some valuable trinket; or watch theretirement of the shopkeeper into his back-room, when one of the mostenterprizing would enter on hands and knees, crawl round the counterwith the stillness of death, draw out the till with its contents, andbear off the spoil with impunity. One night, however, luckily for thepublic, the whole gang was made prisoners of, and dispersed to variousgaols, each delinquent being ordered a severe flogging and solitaryconfinement. Availing himself of this indulgence, the Captain hadwatched the opportunity of approximating towards Tallyho, and wasdetected, as we said before, in the exercise of his former propensities;so difficult it is to eradicate vice from the human mind, even thoughin this instance so early implanted. Lenity in this case would have beenequally misplaced as unjust, although the Squire humanely pressed hisintercession; the incorrigible pilferer was therefore handed over tothe custody of one of the turnkeys, until the Governor might award apunishment suitable to the heinousness of the offence. 

The two friends had been here above an hour--it was an hour they thoughtnot idly spent. And now leaving a small donation for distributionamongst such as appeared deserving objects, they returned home gratifiedby the additional knowledge acquired of _Real Life in London_. ~34~~

CHAPTER III

 ". . . . . . Would you see The Debtors' world, confide yourself to me. Come; safely shall you pass the fatal door, Nor fear it shuts you in, to ope no more. See, frowning grimly o'er the Borough Road, The crossing spikes that crown the dark abode! O! how that iron seems to pierce the soul Of him, whom hurrying wheels to prison roll, What time from Serjeants' Inn some Debtor pale The Tipstaff renders in default of bail. Black shows that grisly ridge against the sky, As near he draws and lifts an anxious eye: Then on his bosom each peculiar spike, Arm'd with its proper ill, appears to strike. "

THE recollection of past enjoyments in the vivacious company of Merrywell, could not fail to be revived in the minds of Dashall and hisCousin; and as some persons, with due attention to his safety, hadmanifested their interest and regard for him by obtaining his admissionto the Priory, where he was at this moment pursuing his studies, and could not quite so conveniently call on them, an early visit wasdetermined on. 

"We shall, " said Tom, "by a call on Merrywell after six weeks residenceamong the gay blades that inhabit the walls of the King's Bench, have all the benefit of his previous observation. He will be able todelineate the characters, consciences, and conduct of his neighbours. He will describe all the comforts and advantages of a college life, introduce us to the Bloods and the Blacks, and, in short, there are fewpersons I know, except Sparkle himself, more able to conduct us throughthe intricacies of the Building, to point out the beauty and excellenceof the establishment, its uses and abuses, than Merrywell. "

"Do they charge any thing on admittance?"enquired Bob. 

"O yes, " was the reply, "they charge you, by a public ~35~~ notice inthe lobby, not to convey into the interior any spirituous liquors, onpain of being yourself discharged from thence, and confined elsewhere. Bless your soul, why the King's Bench is a little world within itself, a sort of epitome of London; it is in a healthy situation, and the spacewhich it occupies is extensive. There are in all 224 rooms, and theymeasure each about 14 or 16 feet by 12 or 13; of these, eight are calledState-rooms, are much larger than the rest, and more commodious; anda well-breech'd customer may have almost any accommodation. It is theprison most immediately belonging to the Court of King's Bench, and, exclusive of debtors there sued, all persons standing in contemptof that Court, and most of those committed under its sentence, areconfined. "

"And pretty generally all inhabited?" interrogated Tallyho. 

"Yes, and frequently it is difficult to obtain a place to sleep in evenas a chum. "

Bob found himself at fault, and required an explanation of the wordchum. 

"The chum, " replied Dashall, "is a partner or bed-fellow, a personwho has an equal right to all the comforts and conveniences of a room, previously wholly in the possession of one. "

"I understand, " said Bob; "then when every room has already oneoccupant, they accommodate him with a companion. "

"Exactly so, and he may prove friend or foe. This, however, may beavoided, if the student is in possession of the rubbish, by an escapeinto the Rules, which extend for three miles round the priory. TheseRules are purchaseable after the following rate, viz. Ten guineas forthe first hundred pounds, and about half that sum for every hundredpounds afterwards; day-rules, of which three may be obtained in everyterm, may be purchased for 4s. 2d. For the first day, and 3s. 10d. Forthe rest. Each also must give good security to the Marshal. ~36~~

 "----The fiction of the law supposes, That every prisoner, with means to pay, (For he that has not this advantage loses, ) Either has business in the courts, or may; Bond, fee, and sureties fresh prepare the way And Mister Broothoft's manual sign declares 'That Mister such-a-one, on such a day, 'Hath got a rule of Court, and so repairs 'To town, or elsewhere, call'd by his affairs. '

 This little Talisman of strange effect, (Four shillings just and sixpence is the price) From Bailiff's power the wearer will protect, And nullify a Capias in a trice: It bears a royal head in quaint device, At least as true as that which Wellesley Pole, With taste for English artists much too nice, Stamp'd by Pistrucci's aid (Heaven rest his soul! And shield henceforth the Mint from his controul. )

 In various ways the various purchasers That sally forth with this protecting spell, Employ the privilege this grant confers: Some, like myself, their lawyer's citadel Besiege, his speed long striving to impel; To take a dinner with a friend some go; In fashion's haunts some for an hour to swell; Some strive, what creditors intend, to know; And some the moments on their love bestow. "

"Thus you have a full, true, and particular, as well as amusing account, of a Day Rule, or what in the cant language of the day is termed hiringa horse, which sometimes proves a bolter. "

"And what is meant by a bolter?"

"He is one, " replied Dashall, "who, having obtained the privilege of aDay Rule, brushes off, and leaves his bondsmen, or the Marshal, topay his debt; or one who transgresses the bounds; but such a one whenretaken, usually undergoes some discipline from the inhabitants of theCollege, who being all honourable men, set their faces against suchungentleman-like proceedings. "

"Then they do sometimes make an escape?"

"Yes, notwithstanding their restrictive arrangements, such things haveoccurred, and you must recollect that of Lord Cochrane, confined forthe memorable Stock Exchange hoax. The means by which it was effected, I believe, have never been discovered; but certain it is, that he was inthe House of Commons, while a prisoner in the King's Bench, and on thefirst night of his subsequent liberation, gave the casting vote againsta proposed grant to a certain Duke. "

"I remember it very well, and also remember that the generality ofthinking persons considered his Lordship harshly treated. "

~37~~ "However, he is now bravely fighting the battles of independence, increasing both his fame and fortune, while some of the Ministerialhirelings are subjected to a similar privation. We shall have a view ofsome of the residents in this renowned place of fashionable resort; theinterior of which perhaps exhibits a spectacle far more diversified, and if possible more immoral and vicious, than the exterior. There arequondam gentlemen of fortune, reduced either so low as not to be able topay for the Rules, or so unprincipled and degraded as to have no friendat command who could with safety become their surety. Shop-keepers, whose knavery having distanced even their extravagance, dread theappearance of ease exhibited in the Rules and the detection of fraud, by producing the reverse of their independence, and who even grudgethe expenditure of money, to obtain limited liberty. Uncertificated bankrupts, and unconvicted felons; Jews--gamblers bytrade--horse-dealers--money scriveners--bill discounters--annuityprocurers--disinterested profligates--unemployed and brandedattorneys--scandal mongers and libel writers--Gazetted publicans, and the perhaps less culpable sinners of broken officers--reducedmechanics--starving authors, and cast-off Cyprians. "

"A very comprehensive and animated account truly, " said Tallyho. 

"And you will find it accurate, " continued Dashall, "for the turn-out ofthis dwelling of crime and misery, resembles the Piazza de Sant Marco atVenice, in the Carnival time. There are all descriptions and classes insociety, all casts and sects, all tribes and associations, all colours, complexions and appearances, not only of human and inhuman beings, butalso all shades, features, and conformations of vice. The Spendthrift, or degraded man of fortune, lives by shifts, by schemes, by loans, bysponging on the novice, by subscription, or on commiseration's uncertainaid. He has however in perspective some visionary scheme of emolumentand dishonour blended, to put into execution as soon as he obtains hisdischarge. The uncertificated Bankrupt has many opportunities left yet;he has other dupes, other tricks of trade, other resources in reserve. The Swindler mellows, refines, and sublimates his plan of futureoperations, and associates in it, perchance, a fallen fair one, oran incipient Greek, ~38~~ put up in the Bench. Horse-dealers, moneyscriveners, bill doers, attorneys, &c. Have either the means of settingup again, or some new system of roguery to be put in practice, in freshtime and place, which may conduct them to the harbour of Fortune, orwaft them over the herring pond at the expence of the public purse. Thedisinterested Profligate here either consumes, corrupts, and festers, under the brandy fever and despair, or is put up by a gambler, who sellshis art to his brother debtors, and thus lives in hope of yet turningthe honest penny in imitation of those who have gone before him. TheCyprian, still exercising her allurements, lingers and decaysuntil persecution loses the point of its arrow, and drops from thepersecutor's hand, grasping more hardly after money, and opening fromthe clenched attitude of revenge. Then, to conclude the picture, thereare youths living upon the open infamy of easy-hearted women, whodisgrace and ruin themselves without the walls, in order to pamper theappetite and humour the whims of a favourite within, thus sacrificingone victim to another. Partners carrying on trade in the world, communing with their incarcerated partners in durance vile. Misery andextravagance, rude joy and frantic fear, with more passions than thecelebrated Collins ever drew, and with more scenes, adventures, andvicissitudes, than ever Jonathan Wild or any other Jonathan exhibited. "

"Excellent description, " exclaimed Bob. 

"And you shall have ocular demonstration of its absolute existence; nay, this sketch might serve for many other places of confinement, the Fleet, &c. They are like the streets of the Metropolis, constantly varying intheir company, according to entrances and exits of their visitors. "

"This, however, " continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, "is rather a mentalpicture of what we shall presently witness in reality, a sort ofintroductory sketch by way of passport through the doors of thisPanorama of Beal Life, to which you will shortly be introduced; a sortof ideal, or dramatic sketch of its inhabitants _en masse_, before thedrawing up of the curtain. "

The eagerness of Bob to listen to his Cousin's sketches of Londonsociety, on the one hand, and the earnestness with which Dashallhad been exercising his imaginary powers, on the other, had led ourperambulators to the ~39~~ foot of Blackfriar's Bridge, on their roadto the King's Bench, without any particular circumstance exciting theirattention; when Bob, suddenly twitching his Cousin by the arm, anddirecting his eye at the same time to a thin spare figure of a man, without hat or coat, who was rapidly passing towards Fleet market, enquired who it was, and what was his occupation or calling. 

"Don't you hear his calling?" was the reply. 

"Hot, hot, hot, pudding hot!" was in a moment vociferated in his ears, while the active and industrious mercantile pedestrian, with a swing ofhis head, which was in continual motion from right to left, gave Bob awipe in the eye with his tail, which by the velocity of the wearer waskept in full play like the pendulum of a clock, or the tail of Matthewsin his admirable delineation of Sir Fretful Plagiary. 

"Zounds, " cries Bob, "it is true I may hear, but I can't pretend to sayI can see; who the devil is he? there is no looking at him, he seems toleave time and space behind him; where is he?"

Tom laughed heartily, while Bob rubbed his eyes in vain to obtainanother view. 

"That, " said Dashall, "is a sort of Commissary, a dealer in stores forthe stomach--red hot pudding, all hot, and commonly called the FlyingPieman. "{1}~40~~

 1 James Sharpe Eglaud, more commonly known in the streets of the Metropolis by the appellation of the Flying Pieman, may fairly be held forth as an example of what may be effected by persevering industry and activity, especially in a large and populous city. Those qualities, joined with a moderate share of prudence, cannot fail to ensure to every man at least comfort and respectability, it" not competence and wealth, however humble his sphere, and however unpromising his beginnings. He was bred to the sedentary trade of a tailor, and worked for some years with his relation, Mr. Austerbury, of Friday Street, Cheapside; but love, which works so many changes, and which has ere now transformed blacksmiths into painters, and which induced Hercules to exchange his club for the distaff, caused this Knight of the Steel Bar to relinquish the shop-board and patch up his fortune by the patty-pan. He married his landlady, a widow, who resided in Turnmill Street, Clerkenwell. He had a soul above buttons, and abandoned the making of garments to cover the outside, in order to mould cakes, pies, and other small pastry, to comfort the internals. His active genius, however, could not brook the tedious task of serving his customers behind the counter; he therefore took up his eatables and went abroad in quest of them, and we doubt not he has found this practice, which he has continued ever since, very profitable. The neatness and cleanliness of his appearance at all times are truly pleasing. Hail, rain, or shine, he may be seen abroad without coat or hat; his hair powdered, his shirt sleeves turned up to his elbows, and a steel hanging on his apron-string. Originally he carried a tin case, something like a Dutch oven, in which he constantly kept a lire, but is now generally seen with a small tray. In serving a customer, he never touches his pudding with his hands, but has a knife for the purpose of presenting it to the purchasers, and his sale is so extensive, that he is obliged to replenish several times in a day; and in order to secure a regular and ready supply, his female partner and himself convey a quantity of pudding to a certain distance, and deposit their load at some public-house, where she takes care to keep it "all hot, " while Egland scours the neighbourhood in search of customers. The first cargo being disposed of he returns for more, and by this method he has it always fresh, and is never in want of goods. 

 Many laughable anecdotes are told of this flying pieman, and perhaps a day's excursion in following him during his peregrinations would furnish much of curious and interesting amusement. We shall however select one, authenticated by his appearance at Marlborough Street Police Office on Monday, July 8, 1821, as most intimately connected with Real Life in London; when he preferred a serious charge against a Beggar, no other than the president of a smoking club in the Holy Land, and others, for stealing his mutton pies, cutting off his tail, and otherwise disfiguring his person. By the evidence of Egland, it appeared that he was introduced, with his goods for sale, to a company chiefly consisting of street beggars in St. Giles's, the chair at that moment being filled by a beggar without hands, well known in the vicinity of the Admiralty as a chalker of the pavement. The dignity of the chair was well sustained by this ingenious colourer, who was smoking a pipe as great as an alderman over a bason of turtle soup; but no sooner did Egland make his appearance, than the company seized upon his goods and crammed them down their throats, in spite of the repeated vociferations of "honour, honour, Gentlemen, " from the assailed. Resistance was vain, and Egland in this dilemma began to consider that his only safety lay in flight. This, however, he found equally impracticable; he was detained, and by way of consolation for his loss, was called upon for a song. His lungs were good, and although his spirits were not much exhilarated by the introductory part of the entertainment, he began to "tip 'em a stave;" but whilst he was chanting "The stormy winds do blow, " a fellow cut off his tail. This was worse than all the rest; it was, as it were, a part of his working tools, and the loss of it was likely to injure his business by an alteration of his appearance, and could not be tacitly submitted to. 

 The magistrates gravely considering this a most serious charge of unprovoked attack upon an industrious individual, ordered the parties to find bail, in default of fully satisfying the inoffensive dealer in pastry, which was accordingly done. 

 In the year 1804, scorning to be behindhand in loyalty as well as activity, he became a member of the Clerkenwell Volunteers, and was placed in the light company, in which capacity he obtained the character not only of being the cleanest man, but the best soldier in the regiment. 

 It is said, that for amusement, or the gratification of a whim, he will sometimes walk a distance of fifty or a hundred miles from the Metropolis, and return the same way. On such occasions he always manages to take some companion or friend out with him, but was never known to come back in the same company; for so irresistibly are they allured forward by his inexhaustible fund of humour and sprightliness of conversation, that they seldom think of the distance till they find themselves too far from home to return on foot. 

~41~~"Then, " said Bob, "he is not like some of the London dealers, whoinvite their customers to taste and try before they buy, for he scarcelyseems to afford a chance of seeing what he sells. "

"You did not try him, " replied Tom, "nor would he have expected you tobe a customer. He is a remarkable character, well known all over theMetropolis. Particularly noted for his activity in disposing ofhis goods; never standing still for a moment, but accosting withextraordinary ease and fluency every person who appears likely to be apurchaser; always ready with an answer to any question, but deliveringit with so much volubility, that it is impossible to propose a secondenquiry, suiting at the same time his answer to the apparent qualityof the querist, though frequently leaving it unfinished in search of acustomer, and moving on with so much rapidity, that you may almost findhim at the same moment at Tower Hill, Billingsgate, and Spa Fields; atSmithfield, Temple Bar, and Piccadilly; indeed he may be said to be inall quarters of the town in a space of time incredibly short for a manwho obtains a livelihood by seeking customers as he moves along. "

"Zounds, " cried Bob, "this walking genius, this credible incredible, and visible invisible pedestrian dealer in portable eatables, has almostblinded me. 

 "For, by this flying pieman, I've nearly lost an eye, man. "

"Come, " said Tom, "I've no fear of your eye while you can muster acouplet; so let us proceed. "

Crossing Black friars Bridge, and approaching the road, Bob, who hadassuaged the pain of which he had previously ~42~~ been complaining, could not help admiring the extensive range of nouses on each side ofthe way, terminated by a handsome building in the distance. 

"That Building, " said Dashall, "will be the extent of our journey, forvery near to it is the habitation of Merrywell, where I entertain nodoubt you will find enough for observation of a useful as well asa humorous nature: for an epitome of men and manners is there to beobtained. "

"Here are abundance of subjects worthy of inspection in this quarter, "replied Tom, "and we therefore ought not to exhaust too much time onone, so let us proceed: do you see that high wall to the right? That isthe Magdalen Hospital, {1} established for the relief and

 1 The Magdalen Hospital in Blackfriars Road, enclosed from public view, occupies an extensive space of ground, and is from the nature of its inhabitants very properly so enclosed. It was opened in the year 1758, and it must be a delightful reflection to its governors, that during the period it has subsisted, more than two-thirds of the women who have been admitted have been reconciled to their friends, or placed in honest employments or reputable services: besides which, a very considerable portion have since been married, and are at this moment respectable members of society: circumstances which prove the great and important utility of this admirable institution. 

 There is no prescribed time for the objects of this charity to remain in the house, it being varied according to circumstances. Every effort is made use of to find out their relations and friends, if possible, to bring about a reconciliation with them, and if they prove to be persons of character, to put them under their protection. If, however, the young women are destitute of such friends, they are kept in the house till an opportunity offers of placing them in reputable services, or otherwise procuring them the means of obtaining an honest livelihood, and they never discharge any one without providing for her. There have been but few discharged beyond the age of twenty years. 

 The general business of the establishment is conducted by a Committee consisting of 32 Governors, who meet at the Hospital every Thursday at twelve o'clock precisely, except on the first Thursday of every mouth, when they meet at eleven. Two of them attend at the Chapel in rotation every Sunday at morning and evening service, when a collection is made at the door on entrance. The hours of divine service are a quarter after eleven in the forenoon, and a quarter after six in the evening; and on account of the fascination of the singing, no place of worship in the Metropolis is more worthy of the notice of strangers. 

 An opportunity is afforded to companies who wish to visit this charity, by addressing a request by letter to the Committee any Thursday, or to A. Bonnet, Esq. The Treasurer, any day in the week, and no fees are allowed to be taken. 

reformation of wretched outcasts from society. The principle on whichit is founded, entitles it to the countenance and support of the public, and particularly of the female sex, the object being to reclaim andrestore to virtue such wanderers in the labyrinths of vice as are nottotally depraved. "~43~~

"Admirable intentions indeed, " cried Tallyho, "if they are but as wellcarried into effect. "

"The records of the establishment have proved its advantages to society, or rather, I should say, to its conductors, for they are of a naturewhich cannot be publicly exposed, without much private injury tothe individuals who partake of them. It is, however, not a littleremarkable, that till lately, on the very opposite side of the road, theneighbourhood has exhibited scenes of vice, immorality, and indecency, which it is the great object of this Charity if possible to prevent, byan endeavour to reclaim the miserable and deluded wretches from theirevil ways. I remember the late John Home Tooke related in the House ofCommons a curious anecdote, in allusion to himself and his situationat the time, in which this institution was mentioned, and which excitedconsiderable interest. 

"It is well known that the late John Home Tooke, of political memory asthe reputed tutor of a certain patriotic Baronet of the present day, aswell as the author of the Diversions of Purley, and a correspondentof the yet undiscovered Junius, was a reverend divine of the Churchof England; and when he became a Member of Parliament, it was objectedagainst him that no person in Holy Orders could hold a seat in thehonourable House of Commons. In his reply, he very ingeniously observed, that this objection reminded him of an applicant for admission to theMagdalen, who, upon being exhorted by the Chaplain to forsake herevil ways, replied that she was not aware of his meaning, and uponexplanation she was excluded from the Charity, because she was not badenough to require reforming. 'This, ' said Mr. Home Tooke, 'is exactlymy case; because I am in Holy Orders I must leave the House, andafter committing some act of impropriety to lose my gown, I may yet beeligible for a Member of this Assembly. '"

"Pointed enough, " said Bob Tallyho. 

"Yes, " replied Tom; "and having mentioned the name of the man, you mayperhaps recollect the order of the day, ~44~~ as well as the curiousdefinition (before the Commissioners of the Income Tax) as to how a manlives who has no income at all. Being interrogated by the Commissioners, as to how he obtained his living, Mr. Home Tooke replied asfollows:--'Why, it appears to me, Gentlemen, that there are three modesby which a person may obtain a living; the first is by begging--nowthis I am too proud to submit to;--the second, by stealing--this I don'tchoose to resort to;--and the third is by the exercise of the wits--andthis, Gentlemen, I presume, you know nothing about. '

"Here, " said Dashall, "is the Surrey Theatre, formerly denominated theRoyal Circus. I shall, however, dispatch my description of it in a veryfew words, as we will ere long pay a visit to its interior. It is aneat building, and shews a good front to the road; is fitted up with aconsiderable degree of elegance, and is a very convenient theatre. Itwas originally conducted by Hughes and Jones, and its exhibitions wereboth scenic and equestrian, something in the style of what Astley'sAmphitheatre is now; but you must see the one in order to form an ideaof the other. Horses are now banished at this place, where, underan annual license from the magistrates of the county, burlettas, melodramas, dancing, and pantomimes are got up, and performed in a stylewhich would not disgrace even the patent theatres. It is at presentunder the management of Mr. Dibdin, a son of the celebrated writer ofso many of our national, patriotic, and characteristic ballads. --Justthrough the turnpike, the building which gives a sort of finish to theroad, is the School for the Indigent Blind; at the back of which is thePhilanthropic Institution, calculated to unite the purposes of charitywith those of industry and police, to rescue from destruction theoffspring of the vicious and criminal; and Bethlem Hospital, for thecare and cure of insane persons, well deserving of minute inspection;and to the right, at the corner of a road which leads from WestminsterBridge towards Vauxhall, is an Asylum for Female Orphans, which, as theMagdalen was intended to reclaim prostitutes, was originally intended toprevent prostitution. To the left again is the King's Bench; and asthat is our present place of destination, we will forego any furtherdescription, till another opportunity. 

"I cannot, however, refrain a few remarks on the ~45~~situation we arenow in, for from this place may be seen the children of penance (theMagdalen); the children of darkness (the School for the Indigent Blind);the insane (New Bethlem); the infatuated and fanatic (the congregationsof the Zoar Chapel, and the faithful of mewses, garrets, and woodentabernacles); the children of Thespis and Terpsichore (the SurreyTheatre), mingled together as it were with the debtor and the captive(the King's Bench): at least, placing ourselves at this obelisk in thecentre of the road, the mind's eye can comprehend them within a shortdistance of each other. "

"And a curious admixture of the useful and the sweet it certainly is, "exclaimed Tallyho, anxious to give his Cousin a little respite, whilethey turned to the left on their way to the Bench. 

"You will find, " continued Tom, "all the before-mentioned infirmities, blindness, infatuation, madness, and profligacy, within the walls thatwe shall shortly enter, without the repentant spirit of the Sisterswithin the walls we have just passed. You will also find there isa plenty of self-interest and hypocrisy combined with them; nay, anhospital of incurables is only wanting to complete the scene. It is nottill lately that a little reform has been effected in this quarter, forDover Street and its vicinity, as I before observed, so near to thesebenevolent charities and to the walls of a prison, have been the sinkof female profligacy, of the lowest, most dangerous, and most disgustingkind; and suffered too long to pollute the streams of charity and impedethe road to reform. However, at length the nuisance is removed, at leastthe public appearance of it, though the neighbourhood is not altogetherbereft of its private negociations and stolen accommodations. But come, now for an interior view of the. Abbott's Park, its interesting scenery, and its multi-farious characters. There you shall see what you shallsee, and Merrywell will tell you more in ten minutes than you might wishto know in your whole life, I mean practically, though it is well toknow in theory what ought never to be reduced to experiment. "~46~~

CHAPTER IV

 "----Give me leave to ask a question; Pray, in the King's Bench have you ever been? The Bench! Good Heaven! how shocking a suggestion! Was e'er so saucy a companion seen?

 Well, you ne'er saw the place; or if you did, 'Twere better not too closely to surmise; Enough, enough, those frowns the thought forbid, Who sees too much is rarely counted wise; I rather boast that mine are prudent eyes; Persons and things so quietly they read, Nor by a glance confess they scrutinize, That thoughtless lookers think me blind indeed, When of themselves I take the strictest heed. But since you wish me to believe that College Ne'er gave its finish to your education, I, of its laws and customs having knowledge, Ere I take up the thread of my narration, Must say a little for your information. "

THEY had now passed the outer gates of the prison, and entered a courtyard surrounded by a wall, which enclosed some good looking houses. 

"These houses, " said Dashall, "are occupied by the principal officers ofthe place, and devoted to purposes of business, or let out by them forthe accommodation of those who' have purchased the privilege of theRules. This door directly opposite the gate, is the only entrance to thePark. "

[Illustration: page46 King's Bench]

They next passed up the steps, and entered a gloomy apartment, whereafter a few minutes a Turnkey, surveying their persons rather minutely, opened the ponderous door, which admitted them to an inner court ofconfined dimensions. Bob looked around him with surprise after thedescription of his Cousin, and began to think he had been vamping upimaginary pictures of what was not to be realized; however, hearinga variety of voices, and perceiving another gate, he quelled hisconjectures and ~47~~ followed Dashall, who, upon knocking at the door, was surveyed from a sort of loop-hole by the keeper within, who quicklygave them entrance; and the spacious appearance of the parade, racquetground, and habitations, and a moving panorama of personages of bothsexes, attracted his immediate attention. 

Gazing with enquiring eyes upon this world-within-walls, {1} theyscarcely heeded the variety of salutations with which they were greetedon entering, such as nods, winks, and touches on the shoulder from onewho appeared as unconscious of such familiarity as if he had for sometime been wholly absorbed in the solution of a mathematical problem, or the horse-laugh of the ignorant and vulgar, by whom they foundthemselves surrounded. Struggling through the throng, Dashall impelledhis Cousin forward, repeating as he proceeded, "How many o'er this threshold pass that mouru, Wanting our power at pleasure to return; A moment let us pause ere we ascend The gallery that leads us to our friend; Survey the place, where all that meets your view, Is full of interest, and strangely new. Could we but hide those grinning spikes awhile, Borne spacious barrack we might think the pile. "

"However, " continued he, "I perceive we are quizzed, we will just takea turn round, and probably we may meet Merrywell, if not, we will soonfind him out by enquiry. You perceive, they have the accommodation ofa butcher's shop, and a baker's, besides green stalls, fish stalls, and chandlers' shops, which give the place the appearance of a publicmarket, while the racquet players and others amusing themselves invarious ways, resemble that of a fair. "

"Indeed, " said Tallyho, "your description is just, for I have as yetseen but few sorrowful faces, every one seems to have some object inview, either of business or pleasure, almost as attractive as thosewithout the walls. "

~48~~ "And in many instances, " continued Dashall, "of as much, nay, moreinterest. However, you perceive the

 1 The walls of the King's Bench are about thirty feet high, sur-mounted by a _chevaux de frieze_, and as a place of confinement, it is of great though uncertain antiquity. 

accommodation of the inmates has been studied by the founders of theCollege. Water is well supplied from four pumps, and were it not thatthe walls intercept the views, a man here might almost consider himselfin his own habitation, with only one drawback. "

"And what is that?" enquired Tallyho. 

"Merely, that like the starling, he can't get out. "

"How now, " said Merry well, who had espied the entrance of his friendsfrom the window of his apartment, and immediately descended to greetthem--touching the Honourable Tom Dashall on the shoulder, while heseized Bob by the opposite arm. 

"What are you a'ter, exploring the secrets of the prison-house?"

Mutual congratulations having passed, Merrywell welcomed them tohis habitation, significantly informing them at the same time, thatnotwithstanding his powers of entertainment were just then not what hecould wish, all was right, the trick was done, that he was arrangingfor a house in the Rules, _pro tempore_, and that it would not be longbefore he should have the honour of meeting them in a way that would bemore agreeable to all parties. "However, " continued he, "if you can beara confined apartment, I promise you shall have nothing else to complainof. Can you put up with pot-luck in a prison?"

"Certainly, " was the reply, "our object was to spend a convivial hourwith you, to wile away a little of the time, to see and learn, to takea peep at things as they are, and to form our judgments upon theirexistence. "

"Then, " replied Merrywell, "you have arrived _en bon heure_, for in thisplace a volume of information may be obtained, which, if judiciouslyapplied, must prove beneficial; and while dinner is preparing, I canafford you abundance of amusement; so come along, we must move roundthis way to the gate again, in order to take any thing like an accuratesurvey, and I can furnish some anecdotes of the paraders, the players, the officers of the Court, and the visitors, which cannot fail to proveinteresting. This, however, must be done with caution, for suspicion isever active, and jealousy constantly awake within these walls; and asI mean to give you sketches of individual characters, rather than ageneral view of ~49~~ the society with which I am now in association, alittle discretion may be well made use of. "

 "Now let us analyse, but not too loud, If wise, the composition of this crowd; Made up from native soil and foreign clime, Of waste and folly, accident and crime. Here join the Speculator and the Fool, Greybeards, and youngsters rather tit for school, (At least for any school but this alone, Where College vices in the shade are thrown. ) Of pugilists, of haberdashers, jugglers, Horse jockeys, swindlers, Bond Street beaux, and smugglers, By hollow friendship some in prison thrown, By others' follies some--more by their own. "

By this time they had traversed round the open walk of the prison, andon arriving at the place of entrance--

"Do you observe that small building on the right? it is called the StateHouse, and contains the largest and most convenient rooms; it is usuallydevoted to the accommodation of such as are best enabled to pay; andthere are persons residing here, who live as well, and in as dashinga style as those without the walls, or at least pay as much for theirliving. On the left hand you may also perceive the chapel, for thespiritual wants of those confined are not to be forgotten. "

 "There, in the centre, is the chapel door, With ever changing notices spread o'er: Whatever doctrines may within be taught, With words of peace that door is rarely fraught: For there, mid notices of beds for hire, Of concerts in the state-house by desire, Some ill-spelt scrawl demands the mighty debt Of half a crown, with a ferocious threat; Some traitorous agent is denounced; some spy, That blabb'd of gin, is hung in effigy; Here angry fools proclaim the petty jar, And clumsy pasquinades provoke to war. "

By this time they had reached the door of the Chapel, which, by thevarious placards pasted against it, fully confirmed the description ofMerrywell. 

Bob, casting his eyes around him, discovered much for enquiry. "Who arethose in the corner in close conversation together?"

"The farthest from us, " replied Merrywell, "is a Jew attorney, wellacquainted with all the shuffling arts of the ~50~~ place; one who canexplain the whole game, from raising the wind, down to the White-washingAct, for the knowledge and experience of gentlemen in these days areastonishing. You would scarcely believe it, but such is the fact, thereare rakes of quality and of fashion, who are their own farriers, horse dealers, who know every trick upon the cards and dice--cutting, shuffling, slipping, cogging, securing; who have cards and dice alwaysat hand, and ready made to their hand; who, although they are awake to agood thing, know the odds to a nicety, and can give or take accordingas it may best suit their purpose, yet are not properly initiated in allrequisite mysteries, till a sort of finish is given to their education, by a temporary retirement here; where they learn a sufficiency of thelaw to give information on all the quirks and quibbles of the arrestlaws, of bailing, demurring, justifying bail, putting in bail above, ofwrits of error, county and Marshalsea writs, of letters of licence, thelaws against usury, the bankrupt laws, and finally of acts of grace;perhaps the last and only one in their lives bearing that name: but wemust walk on, or we may be overheard. "

"Then, " said Dashall, "you are by this time pretty well acquainted withthe characters of your companions, and expect to leave the College withmore information than you previously possessed. "

"No doubt of it, " was the reply; "but as my case was not desperate, I have not sought desperate remedies. I am at this moment supposed bycertain friends of mine to be in the gay city of Paris, enjoying allthe luxuries of the Thuilleries, the Louvre, the Palais Royal, and theElysian Fields; and I doubt not I shall be able to convince an old richuncle of mine of the fact. And as my expectations chiefly rest on him, and he cannot last long, I shall upon liberation make my approaches tohim with a little of the French polish I am preparing while here. This, however, is selfish conversation. "

"Yet perfectly in point, " continued Dashall. 

"And equally interesting too, " said Bob. 

"Do you see, " said Merrywell, "that young man buttoned up to the chin, in what has been a blue great coat? He is one of the lecturers. "

"Lecturers?" enquired Tallyho; "what, have you lectures in the College?"

~51~~ "Undoubtedly we have, on subjects of the utmost importance too. That young man, who began the world with slender property, but whocontrived by a strict adherence to ways and means to cut a dashingfigure, and live as if he had a large fortune, is in possession ofvolumes of information, which he is willing to retail to such as requireit. What are termed lecturers here, are needy debtors, who put up youngmen less knowing than themselves, for money or for a dinner; and hisexperience is great, for when he had worn out all quarters of the townin the way of trick, when the fashionable watering places were teemingwith clamorous creditors, when he was expelled from all the clubs inconsequence of not paying his subscriptions, nay, when he owed almostall the waiters money, he came to this place nearly pennyless, and now, by singing a good song, telling a tough story, and occasionally givinglectures to his brothers in confinement, he manages to get a good dinnerdaily, and seldom goes to bed sober. "

"Then his ways and means are not yet exhausted; he must be a goodfinancier, and might be made very useful to the Minister, " replied Tom;"and it is really a pity such talents are not duly appreciated. "

"Who is that little stout man who passed you just now with a nod of thehead?" enquired Tallyho. 

"That, " answered Merrywell, "is Capt. W----, a sort of walkingautomaton, a kind of medley of incomprehensibles, something likepedants' periods, very inanimate, and as you perceive, very round. Hewas formerly a button maker, but having a desire to sink the shank, heenlisted under the banners of Cupid, paid his addresses to one of theQueen's maids, carried the fortress by a _coup de main_, and gained asafe lodgement in the covert way, by taking the oath of allegiance atthe altar of Hymen. Spurning buttons, he aspired to the epaulette, andwas appointed paymaster to the 7th Hussars. Then he set up a coach torun to and from Maidenhead. This being one iron too many in the fire, soon became too hot for him. He defaulted for a considerable sum, andhas been in quod for four years. Here comes a beau of the first order, aColonel, and a most determined Dandy, even in confinement. Colonel R----adheres as much to the nicety of dress in this place, as he would fora military appearance on parade. He ~52~~ is Colonel of the New GrenadaHorse. I have not yet learned much of his former pursuits or his origin. There is, however, an anecdote of him circulated, which prove theadmirable fitness of such a person for such a command. It is saidthat when he obtained his appointment, he very significantly askedthe General, what stocks he should have for his guns, meaning the guncarriages. "

"That's a little too severe, " cried Dashall, laughing at the same time, "it was but a _lapsus linguæ_, such as might happen to any man. "

"I claim no merit in the relation, " was the reply; "however, it hasraised many a laugh at his expence, and as I had it so you now have it. But we have other game in view, and must not be exhausting our time incriticising immaterial points of propriety. 

 "Here ruin'd Lawyers, ruin'd Clients meet; Here Doctors their consumptive Patients greet, Sick of one malady that mocks all skill, Without the true specific golden pill Here finished Tailors, never to be paid, Turn eyes on many a coat themselves have made; And Bailiffs, caught by their own arts at last, Meet those their capias yesterday made fast. There stalks a youth whose father, for reform, Has shut him up where countless vices swarm. But little is that parent skill'd to trace The springs of action, --little knows the place, Who sends an ailing mind to where disease Its inmost citadel of health may seize. "

"You entertain us with a diversity of mental dishes, " said Tom;"Manacles, Mammon, and Morality, dance through the mazes of yourimagination in rapid and admirable succession--I wonder you don'tcommence Lecturer. "

"I do not conceive myself qualified, and as I have no real occasionto be a pretender, I leave it to those who have. --O! there goes acuriosity--

"If you look sharp you'll see the short knee'd breeches, Brown hat andpowdered head of stalking P--tch--s. "

"He is known here by the title of Don; he has been a long residentwithin these walls, has seen much of Life, and is still a gay fellow. Hewas formerly a Member of Parliament, but not being able to overrule theSpeaker, he out-run the Constable, and was seized by ~53~~ the Bailiffs. He is, however, a jolly companion, and lives well; but to show hiscontempt for riches, he has actually seated his inexpressibles with theparchment title deeds of his own estate, with impressions similar to theold song--

 "Why should we quarrel for riches, Or any such glittering toys? A tight heart and a thin pair of breeches Will go through the world, my brave boye. "

"Who is that with the rackets under his arm?" enquired Bob. 

"That is Baker, a sort of privileged man, who is allowed the advantagesof supplying the inmates with rackets, balls, &c. He lends rackets, sells balls, keeps scores, and occasionally carries on the haberdasherytrade. "

"Then he is a shop-keeper, I suppose. "

"He is a measurer of tape" replied Merry well, "by way of refreshment, or in other words, under safe circumstances, can spin out Old Tom orBlue-ruin. "

"I understand, " said Bob, "a little of the Cratur. "

"Here, " continued Merry well, "is the coach-maker to the lateChristophe, King of Hayti, Mr. H---- of Long Acre notoriety. Thisgentleman bought a considerable estate, which, with true parentalregard, he settled on his daughter, and paying for his purchase by hisresidence here, whether his intentions will be fulfilled or not, soas to obtain liberation by the Whitewashing Act, no one at present cantell--and Colville is taking his walks--he is one of the Janitors, andCrier of the place. He has a Stentorian voice, which is a part of hisbusiness to exercise in calling the prisoners. I know but little of him, and even that is not worth knowing. He, however, has the character ofbeing an informer, and I am not aware that he is in possession of anygood qualities. I shall, therefore, rather give a slight sketch of theoffice he holds, than of the person. ~54~~

 "Whoe'er one night has slept within these walls, Has heard the din that each new comer calls, To where the keen-eyed Turnkeys wait to trace The lineaments of every novel face. Each morning thro' the Bench goes forth a cry, By Colville sent thro' every gallery high. To number "One, " peals round the shout from "Ten, " Far rolling heard, "Pull up! now Gentlemen!"

"This is the custom with every new comer, and is productive sometimes ofmuch mirth to some, but of infinite mortification to others, accordingto the circumstances of the case. As it would occupy some time todescribe them, I shall give you a poetical sketch of a morning in theBench; and by the introduction of a fictitious name, make you acquaintedwith a general practice. Imagine for a moment, "Rous'd by the force of that Stentorian sound, Rose Belcour, dressed, and soon the lobby found. About the door a throng of varlets stood, A grinning and ill-favoured brotherhood, That scoff and gibe at every wight that wears Linen less black, or better coat than theirs. For these, young Belcour was too fair a mark; 'Make way, ' cries one, 'he's going to the Park: His horses wait; he's going for a ride. ' 'Fool, 'tis his tilbury, ' another cried; 'D'ye think his lordship rides without his spurs?' 'A curse upon such base unmanner'd curs, ' Between his teeth impatient Belcour mutter'd, As each his wit so truly attic utter'd; Then, 'mid the laughter of the brutal throng, Dark frowning through the door he moved along. Within the upper lobby Morris sate, And touch'd with easy complaisance his hat; And cried, not deigning from his seat to stir, 'We hope you're pretty comfortable, Sir. 'These chaps about the door are rather rum; 'But, love you! So they do to all that come. ' Short was the conference; the Turnkey's look Quick cognizance of Belcour's features took; And never, from that hour might he pass by Unnoted by that well-observing eye. "

"Well, " said Tallyho, "I must confess such scrutiny on the one part, andsuch observations on the other, would be more than likely to ruffle mytemper, and I should be apt to signify my disapprobation, at least ofall that was unnecessary. "

"In that case, " replied Merry well, "you would only subject yourselfto additional torment: you would have songs, epigrams, lampoons, andepitaphs in abundance, which would prove still more irritating; for thisis the seat of learning and of wit, of poets, painters, and musicians, who, being enraptured with their own arts, neglect that of book-keeping, till a residence here gives them a leisure opportunity to close theirledgers. 

~55~~ Speaking on that subject, by the by, we have among us, at thismoment, the publishers of the John Bull, whose combined efforts in theway of scurrility have rendered them notorious among the periodicalsof present times. There is, however, little of public attraction aboutthem; and although they profess to have a subscription opened, to enablethem to pay the fine imposed upon them, it is doubted whether anysuch is really in existence. Here, however, is a character of anotherdescription:

Captain K---- is still a gay fellow, though I apprehend rather what wecall hard up just now. He has had the opportunity of expending a veryconsiderable property in seeing Life, but if report say true, it hasbeen chiefly exhausted among the fair sex, and coffee-house keepers. Seldom much depressed in spirits, let the world wag as it will, hesometimes gives good dinners and enjoys himself with a friend, though Isuspect that can, under present circumstances, only be done when he canpitch the gammon to the wine merchant, and induce him to stand thenonsense. "

"And do wine merchants give credit to persons in confinement?" enquiredBob. 

"Certainly, " was the reply, "for services done or promised to be done, or upon the security of some friend, who perhaps intends soon after topay his engagements by a similar mode to that of the person whose debthe pretends to secure. No place can be found where the study of ways andmeans is more closely attended to than this. Of our prisons in general, much the same may be said as of our gaming houses; very few get out ofthem as they went in. A dupe is the general character of those whofirst enter; but they seldom fail to acquire that of knave before theirdeparture. The air is infectious, the society fatal to morality andto honesty; few pass through the ordeal with purity, and returnuncontaminated to the world; and yet, after all the frauds, tricks, andspeculations practised, it is well to be acquainted with them, in orderto guard against the recurrence, if a man can but have fortitude enoughto avoid practising them himself. ~56~~

 "Think not that the action of the place Is all revealed upon this open space; The darkest portion of the picture lies Obscur'd and cover'd up from public eyes; Here much you see, that bids you all mistrust, Much that provokes aversion and disgust; New friends, who coolly ask a one pound note, Or borrow for an hour, then pawn, your coat. Such stuff as this upon the surface swims; He little sees who but the surface skims. How much of fraud and finished wickedness, How much of deep despair and keen distress, Thought of by few, and seen by none, the while, Is chamber'd in the niches of this pile!"

"Zounds, " cried Dashall, "your pictures have so much light and shade, so much to admire, and so much to condemn, that there is scarcely anypossibility of arriving at any conclusion. --Bless me, there is DickRakewell!"

"Do you know him?" said Merry well. 

"What the devil are you doing here?" cried a young man advancing, and atthe same time catching the Honourable Tom Dashall by the hand; "Areyou initiated, or merely come to take a peep at the curiosities of thismenagerie? Have you tipp'd and shewn yourself in due form; or do youstill sport a game leg among the gallants of Bond Street?"

"Fortunately, " said Dashall, "I can still boast of the latter, and haveno very strong inclination to aspire to all the honour and happiness ofthe former. "

"Grown serious and sedate; I suppose married, and ca'nt come--prettywife--lots of children--love and fireside comfort at home--pleasureabroad--cash in hand, and care for nobody. That's the sort--give you joywith all my heart--never were such times. "

"I am glad you find them so, " continued Tom; "but your anticipationsare a little too rapid, and your imagination rather too vivid for myproceeding; however, there is no knowing what we may come to; life is alabyrinth full of turnings and windings. But what brought you here?"

"Driven in by the Philistines, " was the reply; "caught like a harmlessdove by the Greeks--clean'd out. --By the cog, I was obliged to fly tothis pigeon house, in order to avoid being cut up by my creditors; and, up to a little of the Newmarket logic, I am now crossing and justlingthough it is doubtful at present who will win the race. "

"You have not far to run, however, " replied Dashall, "and it istherefore fair to presume the heat will soon be over. "

~57~~ "As usual, " cried Rakewell, "always something short, but pungent, like a pinch of merry-go-up{1}--satire and sentiment--mirth, morality, and good humour--unmarried and still the same man. These are bettersubjects of congratulation than the former. "

"We shall dine at half past three, " said Merry well, "and if you areinclined to make one along with us, you will find me at home. "

"I should have no objection to meet you abroad, " exclaimed Rakewell;"but, however, I'm your man. Half past three, d----nd unfashionable; butnever mind, I'll pick a bone with you; and spite of dull care and high walls, 'locks, bolts, and bars, we'll defy you;' and my life for it we havea jolly afternoon. Is the cellar well stored, and the kitchen in goodrepair?"

"All right, my boy!" exclaimed Merrywell, "bring your bellows{2} ingood order, and don't be afraid of your bread basket. {3} The dibs arein tune. {4} A ball of fire, {s} a dose of daffy, or a blow out of blackstrap, will set the blue devils at defiance, give a spur to harmony, andset the spirits a jogging. "

"Then at half past three I'll have a turn to with you, " continuedRakewell; "so no more at present from your loving Cousin. I am going nowto call on Fred. Fearnought; that fellow has deceived me; I thoughthim a trump, but he's eaten up with hopes and fears, tormented in mind, body, and estate, no more pluck than a dunghill chick. I must stir himup with a long pole, give him a lesson or two, touch him to the quick, and then quickly adjourn to you; so adieu for the present. "

Thus saying, he made his escape from his friends, and, passing throughone of the entrances to the interior, was quickly out of sight. 

"That, " said Dashall, addressing his Cousin, "was one of the gayest ofthe gay in all the leading circles of _haut ton_. "

"And I assure you, " said Merrywell, "he has not lost one atom of hisvivacity, notwithstanding the alteration in his circumstances; he isalways full of humour, ready for a bit of fun even in confinement; heplays, laughs, sings, drinks, and is about one of the most cheerfulcompanions I know. "~58~~

 1 Merry-go-up--Snuff. 

 2 Bellows--A cant term for the lungs. 

 3 Bread-basket--The stomach. 

 4 The dibs are in tune--There is plenty of money. 

 5 A ball of fire--A glass of brandy. 

"Then, " rejoined Bob, "he is a philosopher, for he has learned to bear. "

"Yes, " continued Dashall, "but the other, and by far the most important, part of philosophy is to forbear. "

"That, " said Merry well, "he yet has to learn, and I have my doubtswhether he will accomplish that desirable object while here. He has, with a moderate allowance from his father, contrived to drive hisfour-in-hand at times, to keep seven or more horses on his hunting andTown establishments; has kept some of the most dashing and expensiveladies, expensive male company; indulged in extravagant habits of allsorts, and has twinkled for a while in the highest gambling circles. A run of ill luck has at last sent him here, but not before he hadhonoured almost all the horse-dealers, coach-makers, and saddlers, gunsmiths and tavern-keepers in Town, with his custom, or rather withhis name on their books. His father is a man of considerable property, which must eventually come to him, and he may yet form a conspicuousfigure in High Life. "

"What have we here?" said Tallyho, stopping to read a paper displayed inthe window of a barber's shop. 

 "The old and only established shop at the prison "price: shave well for one penny, hair fashionably cut "for twopence, at 17 in 16, first staircase round the corner. "

"Seventeen in sixteen--I don't understand this. "

"Each of the doors, " said Merry well, "which lead to the apartments isnumbered, as is likewise every room in each passage, by which meansmuch facility is afforded to visitors who come to make a call upon theirfriends. The operator himself is a prisoner, and so are most of thosewho carry on trades; but opportunities are afforded for any person tocome in and supply articles to the inhabitants; and at an early hour inthe morning you may hear almost all the cries of London. "~59~~

 "Milk, matches, eggs, and Epping sausages, Greens, water-cresses, chips, geranium trees; A brush or broom, deal wood, cow-heel, and tripe, Fresh butter, oranges all round and ripe; Rabbits, a kettle, jug, or coffee pot, Eels, poultry, home-bak'd bread, and rolls all hot; Shirt buttons, nosegays, coals, and God knows what Such are the goods that pass the lobby door, Cried in all tones that vary, squeak, and roar. "

"A little further on, " said Merry well, "is the public kitchen, where, for a trifling fee, cooking is performed for the prisoners, and hotwater supplied at a penny per kettle. Then there is a coffee-room anda tap-room for general accommodation, according to the circumstances ofthe inmates; so that in point of fact there is little to be regrettedhere, but the loss of liberty, and the want of money. "

"Zounds, " said Bob, "those two articles constitute all that is valuablein life, and in their absence it dwindles into mere existence. 

 "And bare existence man to live ordained, "Wrings and oppresses with enormous weight. "

"I admit the justice of the remark, for to become an article ofvegetation, were it sure of continuance, would be one of the mostirksome, as well as degrading situations to which a man could bereduced. But you should recollect, that the generality of persons whostudy in this College expect an early termination of their privations, by which hope is kept alive; and when the cherished hope is realized, ofescaping from these walls, all recollection of the past is banished;and it is doubtful whether the temporary absence from the possibilityof indulging in folly does not increase the possibility as well as thepower, when at liberty. "

"Who do you call that man with his hands in his pockets?" pointing to aperson at a short distance from them at the moment, in slovenly attire, and with a vacant countenance. 

"Hush, " replied Merry well, "for we have modest men here as well aselsewhere; men who, though they have rendered themselves famous (a moredelicate term than notorious) are not emulous of having their deedsrecorded in history, and are indeed very tenacious of satisfyingenquiries: his name is F--rr--ter, not quite so vacant as he looks; forit is, generally speaking, not your empty-headed fellows who can arriveat the honour of a residence here, it is rather those of brilliantimagination, of aspiring talent, who have been determined to have moneyfor a time, without heeding the source from which it was derived--whohave been up to snuff, till they have reduced themselves to thenecessity of resting contented with the marrow-bone stage instead of aphaeton or a ~60~~ curricle, and twopenny in lieu of claret Theperson you allude to, however, is brother to Cecil F--rr--ter of Courtnotoriety, and has really been in possession of considerable property. It is said that his principal failing has been too strong an inclinationto resort to the law, and that upon the law and lawyers he has expendedthe bulk of his fortune. "

"He cuts a curious figure now, however, " said Tallyho, "and every viewat first sight would take him for a. Fortunate youth. "

"Do you observe that man in mustachios, now talking with P----s? Thatis Captain R----n, who bears a more striking resemblance in character tothe celebrated youth you mention; he had at one time inspired a beliefamong those who knew him, that he was a man of property--married with aview to realize it; and upon comparing notes after the nuptial knotwas tied, both parties discovered they were taken in; but it is notascertained whether this mutual disappointment ended with smiles. "

"Why, it was no laughing matter, " said Tom; "the lucky hit was all amiss. "

"Yes, there was a Miss taken, and a Biter bit. Love is a lottery as wellas life, and the chances two to one against the adventurer, " repliedDashall. 

"It may be so, " said Merrywell; "I am not fly{1} to the subjectat present; perhaps Sparkle could by this time unravel some of itsmysteries, and give beneficial lessons to us all: however, time isflying, we will just make one more turn, and then to dinner with whatappetite we may. Do you observe the pericranium topp'd with a Prussiancap, and the wearer with a pipe in his mouth?"

 1 Fit--To be up to any thing, to understand, to know, or be awake. 

"I was on the point of enquiry, " said Bob; "Pray who is he?"

"That is another Captain. "

"Who! One would almost think you have the whole army of Martyrs confinedhere, " said Tallyho; "at all events, your ranks are not deficient ofofficers. "

"But then, " said Dashall, "they are out of commission and out ofpractice. "

"For want of command, " continued Merrywell; "though Capt. S----, although never made a Commander in Chief, has been an exalted character, having once been made ~61~~inspector of the pavement, {1} or in otherwords knapp'd the stoop; and, if report says true, he has also figuredaway in other situations equally honourable--a flash turf man--a navalcharacter, and a smuggler. But come, I have given you a sort of index bywhich you may read, mark, and learn more, when we are more at leisure. It is now half past three o'clock, and punctuality is always my motto. "

 1 Inspector of the pavement, or knapp'd the stoop--Cant term for the pillory. 

"Humph, " ejaculated Tom; "Cash down, and no grumbling. "

"D----n severity, " was the reply; "no more of that, or we cut: touch myhonour, and you touch my life. "

"Dot and go one, " cried Dashall. "Come along, Bob!" and catching hisCousin by the arm, they followed Merrywell in silence to his apartmentin the State House. 

On arrival, they found the dinner on table; and Hakewell, true to hisappointment, arrived before them. The keen air of Surrey, thoughrather confined, had furnished them with good appetites. Apologieswere banished, and to it they went without "let, hinderance, ormolestation"--the viands were good, the wines exquisite and plentiful. The cloth being removed, mirth and conviviality were the order of theday. 

Confusion to soft heads and hard hearts!--Parks and pleasure ground swithout priories! were drank in bumpers with enthusiastic applause. Themerriment and hilarity of Merrywell and his fellow student crowned theafternoon with as much pleasure and delight, as Bob conceived hecould have found under unlimited circumstances. The good humour andhospitality of the host was manifested in the perfect satisfaction ofthose he entertained; and about eight o'clock, when Rakewell began tomangle his mother tongue, our friends, after dropping their mitesinto the canisters held out for their bounty, repassed the gates, wellpleased and highly diverted with the information they had obtained, and the occurrences of the day; and not a little exhilarated by theBacchanalian juice. 

"Well, " said Tallyho, "this is a scene of _Real Life_, which I shouldjudge could scarcely be equalled, and would almost induce one to wishfor an opportunity of a residence along with the Collegians. "

~62~~ "Provided always nevertheless with an equal opportunity of leavingit when we please, " said Dashall; "and probably we have only seen oneof the best pictures it contains, for although we have been as jolly asSandboys, there is a large store of misery unseen. But let us proceed. We shall soon be free from College Rules, and a thought strikes me, thatwe can make a call on our road that will afford another view of societyequally amusing and refreshing. I have often observed to you, that inorder to see Life, there is no necessity to buz about with court flies, to waste time and money in getting introduced to the tip tops of theWest, to join what are termed the fashionable circles, and to end afashionable career by a whereas or a whitewashing. The true student ofReal Life should occasionally mingle with all descriptions of persons, mark the characters and their conduct; and, believe me, there are thosein the humblest situations, who enjoy themselves in their own way withas much of heartfelt satisfaction as those in the highest, of which, I think, I shall be able to give you a decided proof before we reachhome. "

They now pursued their way along the London Road and over WestminsterBridge, till Tom called a halt at the door of a friend. 

"Come, Bob, " said he, "here we must uncase--doff the present toggery, and turn out in new trim for the evening. "

"What!" enquired Bob, "another masquerade?"

"No, no, " was the reply, "a temporary suspension of the dress andcharacter of a gentleman, in order to avoid being tormented andsuspected by the company to which I intend to introduce you. "

Finding his friend at home, they were quickly supplied with tatter'dgarments and slouch'd hats, in which they again sallied forth, and aboutnine o'clock they entered a low public-house in Scotland-yard. 

[Illustration: page62 Public House]

"Fear nothing, " said Tom, as they passed the threshold; "don't beflurried by any thing said to you, 'tis only a heavy-wet party among thecoal-heaving coves. "

As Bob entered the room, his very first action betrayed him, for, beingaccustomed to genteel behaviour, he took off his hat, which was in amoment knocked out of his hand by a hard featured fellow near him, whoseface indicated the want of water, although so near the river. 

~63~~ "Order, order, " was vociferated in an instant by a jollygood-natured looking man exalted above the rest, who, at thesame moment, rapped the table with his knuckles--"This here vay, gentlemen--Bill Muggins, mind you I arn't had your penny in the platefor Backy. "

"Vy, that's a lie!" roar'd out a Stentorian voice, "I never takes myseat before I sees my vay clear upon the board. I put a crooked ha'penny. "

"Yes, and two bad fardens vhat an't vorth nothing, '' said another. "Makehim tip" cried a third, "or else stick him in the nitch. "{1}

 1 Stick him in the nitch--Send him to Coventry. 

Bob having regained his castor, followed his Cousin to the other endof the room, and after each depositing a penny in the plate, they tooktheir seats at the table, where, being supplied with a flowing quart, they began to look around them. 

The first thing which struck Tallyho's eye, was "No trust, " printed inlarge letters at one end of the room; a sort of indication, that a manwithout money would not be likely to meet with agreeable entertainment:then turning his head the other way, he discovered they were in ahouse of call for Coal Porters. Before the president (who, by way ofdistinction, had turned the broad flap of his coal-heaving hat forwardin the fashion of a huntsman's cap) was placed a small round table, onwhich stood a gallon measure of heavy wet. On his right sat a worn-outworkman fast asleep, and occasionally affording his friends around him asnoring accompaniment to a roar of laughter. 

"Silence, silence! vy don't you all be more quieter when I am going tobegin?"

"Order, order, chair, chair!" now resounded from every one. 

"Vell, you know its no use at all for to make me take this here chair, because vy--I an't got no woice. "

"I knows better nor that, " said Bill Muggins, "for, by ----ven you felloverboard the other day you roared like a rum un, and ven I pulled youout you squeaked like a pig, so that are proves vhat you have got twowoices, and that's one more than you ought to have. Lord, Lord, if youhad but seen him and I get drunk a'ter it, you would ha' laughed--Dickbolted blue ruin till his eyes sparkled just for all the vorld like avooden spoon against a soot bag. "

~64~~ A general laugh succeeded this sally, which was accompanied by thespeaker with a violent blow upon the table, which threatened confusionto the candles, glasses, and porter-pots, with which it was loaded. 

"Veil, " continued the chairman, "you know its all my eye, I an't got nosing in me, so if you're a mind to be friendly, vill you heave out. "

"Vy, you know Dick, for the matter o' that are, I never refuses younothing; nor, vhat's more, I never vont, so here goes. 

 "Vhat a hearty blade am I, Care ca'nt never touch my heart, Every trouble I defy, Vhile I views the foaming quawt. A very good song, and very well sung; Jolly kimpanions, every one, Clap your hats on, keep your heads vann, A little more liquor will do us no harm. Blankets and pins, blankets and pins, When a man's married his sorrow begins. "

The six last lines were repeated as a chorus, till every one appearedto be exhausted, and was succeeded by thunders of approbation, andreiterated cries of "Well done, Bill--go it, Bill--Bill Muggins forever!" and the still unabated snoring of their companion in the corner. 

"Bill Muggins a'nt nothing but a good'un, Gemmen, "said the President;"here's his health. Landlord, bring him a bolus of blue ruin. I say, Bill, vhat shall ve say a'ter that are good song?"

"Here's bad luck and no blue ruin to bad masters, and leg o' mutton andturnups for trumps--that's all I got to say, so here goes. "

The toast being drank, "Who is ve to call on now, Bill?"

"Vy, Bob Martlet's the boy to come it strong. "

Bob Martlet was accordingly called upon, but requested a few minutes toprepare himself, as he was rather hoarse. 

During this interregnum, Dashall slipped out of the room, and gave thelandlord an order to place two bowls of punch on the tables, cautioninghim at the same time to say nothing of the party who paid for it, butto say that a Gentleman, passing by the door and hearing them all merry, had given an order for it at the bar. 

~65~~ Upon re-entering the room, Bob Martlet, with one eye bound up andhis hat in his hand, was bawling with lungs of leather, Lovely nymph! assuage my anguish, At thy feet a tender swain, Prays you will not let him languish, One kind look would ease his pain. Did you know the lad who courts you, He not long need sue in vain-- Prince of song and dance--you Scarce will meet his like again!

As this was a song to be sung in character, Bob Martlet determined toprofit by the instructions of Shakspeare, "to suit the action to theword, and the word to the action, " and consequently at the word "dance, "he introduced some steps to the great entertainment of the company;but unfortunately jigging to another tune, in which all the broad brimsjoined, he forgot the connexion of the words, and was compelled to singit over again, and to give his hornpipe by way of conclusion, which wasaccompanied by the barking of a dog. 

Tallyho laughed heartily at this; the grotesque appearance of the"tender swain, " and the dance in wooden shoes, were admirable, andhighly relished by his companions. The room resounded with applauses, and it was some moments before silence could be obtained, when, lo andbehold, the landlord entered the room as a peace-breaker with two bowlsof punch. 

Consternation and surprise were visible in every countenance. Theconfusion of tongues could scarcely equal the enquiries made in amoment; but the landlord, having his cue, made no reply. But thereit is, will you drink it? It is all your own--and, to set you a goodexample, here goes--Success to trade!--and took a hearty swig from thebowl he placed before the President; then, taking the other bowl to thelower end of the room, he evaporated, but soon returned withglasses. Where he came from or how it was obtained, was banished fromconsideration, and to make more, the remnant of a pot of heavy wet wasthrown into the bowl to mellow it, as the President observed, becausevy he liked things mellow. The punch was handed about, the song and thetoast passed merrily in succession till near twelve, when an unluckydisturber of harmony, with a candle set fire to the whisker of Phillthe flue faker so called from his ~66~~having in his younger days beena chimney-sweeper. Phill, who had slept during the noise of the evening, was, notwithstanding his former trade, not fire-proof, awoke in a flame, and not knowing the real depredator, upset the President, and nearlyknock'd him through a window just behind him--mill'd away in alldirections, growling with as much melody as he had before snored. Duringthe confusion of this affray, Tom and Bob took their departure fromCharley's Crib, which they understood was a nickname given to the place, and, throwing themselves into a rattler, soon arrived in Piccadilly, where we shall for the present leave them to their repose. 

CHAPTER V

 "Since Life's but a jest, let us follow the rule, There's nothing so pleasant as playing the fool, In town we may practise, as well as at school. 

 The world turns about the same things o'er and o'er; We fool it--our forefathers fool'd it before; They did what we do, which our sons will encore. 

 Life's but a half holiday, lent us to stare; We wander and wonder in vanity's fair, All, baby-like, bawling for each bawble there:

 We, children like, covet the glitter of gay things, Make racket for ribbands, and such sort of play-things, Which we cannot have tho'--without we can say things. 

 We take, or are in all our turns, taken in; The world to be sure--'tis a shame and a sin, -- Might soon be much better--but who will begin?"

~67~~ "LONDON, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall to his Cousin, "abounds withso much of munificence, that notwithstanding all its intricacies andinconveniences, he who travels through life without visiting it, mayjustly be said to know nothing; for it is all Life, its remotest cornersare full of animation, and although it is difficult to fancy how alllive, there are few but could give some satisfactory information if theychose, though I am willing to believe many would rather wish to avoidinterrogation. We have already explored some parts of it, but be assuredthere is still much to admire, much to applaud, and much to deprecate. Our researches, after all, have been rather confined than extensive. Itis such an ever varying and never ceasing mine of observation, that itis almost like the wishing cap of Fortunatus, with this exception, thatalthough every wish may be supplied, it requires something more thanputting on the cap to obtain the object desired. "

~68~~ "From what I have already seen, " replied Tallyho, "I perfectlycoincide with you in the latter part of your observation, for I have nodoubt but perseverance and integrity, with some portion of ability, issure to meet reward. "

"You are right, " continued Tom; "many instances could be pointed outin proof of the justice of that remark: some of the greatest men of thepresent day have rose from the lowest origin. Shop-boys and porters havebecome tradesmen and merchants; shoe-blacks have become statesmen, andservants councillors. But on the other hand, many who have been born, asthe old saying is, 'with a silver spoon in their mouths, ' have 'fallenfrom their high estates, ' and lingered out the latter parts of theirlives in prisons or work-houses, laying the blame on fate, rather thanattributing failure to their own want of ability, prudence, or activeexertion. But come, I perceive the curricle is ready; let us takea spank through the City, and look a little more minutely at themercantile world. "

This call was instantly obeyed by Tallyho, who never doubted buthis Cousin had some object in view, though he frequently started fromPiccadilly without being previously acquainted with it. 

Passing out at Hyde Park Corner, Bon remarked that he thought the Citylay the other way. 

"Never mind, " replied Dashall, "we shall come to the point withoutdoubt. Why, man, there are more ways than one, and I am not particularlypartial to being blocked up in the public streets, amidst _knowingjarveys and cramp carmen_, sugar hogsheads, molasses, and slush carts, which is so frequently the case, when by a slight deviation from thedirect way, we can give the tits a rattler on a good road withoutobstruction, and pocket a handful of time into the bargain. "

He now turned into the road which leads directly to Vauxhall Bridge; onarriving at which, Tallyho was much delighted with an extensive view ofthe Thames. 

"This, " said Dashall, "will bring us to a favourite place of amusement, where you have already cut a conspicuous figure. "

"What do you mean?" enquired his Cousin. 

"A masquerade, " replied he significantly. "Go along Bob. "

~69~~ Passing gently over the Bridge, "Do you observe, " continued he, "that extensive building? That is called the Penitentiary. It is abuilding designed for the punishment, employment, and reformation ofoffenders of secondary turpitude, usually punished by transportationfor a term of years. It has been conceived since the commencement of thedisputes which terminated in the separation of the American States. The plan of it is known to be partly that of Mr. Jeremy Bentham. Theculprits are confined in circular buildings, the windows of which are soconstructed, that the overseer from his room in the centre may be ableto view every one of their rooms. The external wall encloses no lessthan eighteen acres of ground, within which are six of these circularbuildings, each capable of lodging and employing from 150 to 200prisoners, with a chapel, infirmary, and other conveniences. Itssituation is called Millbank. "

"It looks, " said Bob, "like a castle, or tower, of impregnablestrength. "

"It is, however, " continued Tom, "a useful institution, since itsupersedes that indiscriminate transportation so long practised, andwhich, as applied to definite periods, was cruel and unjust, since thewretched objects were precluded from the power of ever returningto their native land, however short the intended period of theirbanishment. This part of the world is much improved of late years. TheBridge we are now passing, is an admirable light and elegant structure, but recently erected, according to the plan of Mr. J. Walker, andconnects, as you perceive, by a straight line of road with Hyde ParkCorner. The road before us leads to Newington Cross, and thence byvarious ways to the City. The Bridge consists of nine arches, of equalspan, in squares of cast iron, on piers of rusticated stone formed offragments, united by means of Parker's cement. Its width is 809 feet, the span of the arches 78 feet, the height 29 feet, and the clearbreadth of the road way is 36 feet. It cost above 300, 000L. But weshall shortly cross another bridge, far surpassing it in point ofmagnificence. "

"It is wonderful indeed, " said Bob, "that in a country complaining ofa starving population, such serious sums of money should be expended inthe erection of splendid mansions and magnificent bridges. "

~70~~ "Not at all, " was the reply, "for perhaps it is one of thebest ways of expending, as it gives employment to thousands who wouldotherwise have become beggars on private charity, or paupers on publicbounty, either of which is revolting to the mind of an Englishman:besides, if your observation applied at all, it would cut at everyimprovement of the day; and you should recollect, that, whether upontrue foundations or not, every generation think the age they live in isthe most enlightened: so it may be with respect to the preceding, andindeed, so much so, that the succeeding will rather decline than improveupon it, but it would be difficult to convince them of the fact. It iscertain, however, that scarcely a day passes but some new invention orimprovement is offered to public notice. The perusal of the newspapersis an evidence of my assertion; and as London is the centre ofattraction, so it is the seat of knowledge, of science and information. "

"I should judge, that if a person who had lived some two hundred yearsago, even in this wild place, were to rise up amongst us, his surpriseand astonishment would be strongly excited, " said Bob, endeavouring todraw forth more of his observations as they bowled along the road. 

"There can be no question on that subject, " said Tom, "for how would thehigh ideas he entertained of the ingenuity of the age in which he hadlived, dwindle into nothing! Nay, should he appear in the countryfirst, what would he think of the various implements of husbandry, forploughing, and preparing the land; the different machines for sowingthe corn, for threshing, grinding, and dressing it; and in numerousinstances (though perhaps not quite so much now as it has been, onaccount of the present agricultural distresses) he would find somethingelse too which he might not consider an improvement: instead of meetingthe honest homely farmer, assisting personally in the gathering in hiscrops, and his daughter following the cart with a rake, he would findthe former mounted on his Prad following the hounds, and the latter atboarding school. Instead of the farmer's son bringing home his cows ofan evening, and his sister going out to meet him at the sound of hiswell known voice, with her milk-white pail, he would find the one poringover Latin and Greek, and the other running her fingers over the chordsof a harp or piano-forte. "

~71 "These, " said Bob, "are refinements in manners at least. "

"Then, should he take a peep at London, as we are now doing, he would bestruck dumb with admiration. But here we are on the Waterloo Road. Thatbuilding on the right is the Coburg Theatre, so named in complimentto the Prince of Saxe Coburg, who married the unfortunate PrincessCharlotte of Wales, the much regretted daughter of our present King. Before us is Waterloo Bridge, which leads to the Strand, and wasoriginally denominated the Strand Bridge; it is acknowledged to beone of the most majestic structures of the kind, perhaps, in the knownworld, and was built under the direction of the late Mr. Rennie, towhose memory it is said a monument is intended to be erected. The Bridgeconsists of nine equal arches, and like the bridges of the ancients, is perfectly flat, which you perceive the road we are now travelling isnot, for in some instances you may look over the wall upon another worldbelow, as we are above the tops of the houses. Its being level is acircumstance highly favourable to the draught of carriages across it, and without any apparent subtraction from its beauty. We will alighthere and walk leisurely across, taking time for remark. "

The servants now took charge of the curricle, with orders to wait at thecorner of the Strand, while our heroes, having each deposited his pennyat the toll-house, strolled forward. 

Tallyho appeared delighted with the views around him: In the front, afine prospect of one of the finest cities in the world, and behind anequally pleasing sight over the Surrey Hills. The day being fine, and the sun darting his refulgent beams on the bosom of the Thames, contributed to form, altogether, one of the most enraptured sights hehad ever beheld. The passing and repassing of boats and bargesbelow; and carriages, horsemen, and pedestrians, crossing the bridge, alternately attracted his attention. 

"Each arch of this bridge, " said Dashall, "is 120 feet span; the piers20 feet thick, with Tuscan columns; the width between the parapets 42feet; these footpaths are seven feet each, and the road-way is 28feet. The cost has been immense, and it is not likely that the originalsubscribers will ever realize the capital expended. "

~72~~ At this moment the sound of music attracted the ears of Tallyho. 

"What have we here?" said he, thrusting his head through thebalustrades, by which he found himself almost suffocated with smoke, which stopped further enquiry. 

"Behold, " said Tom, "another improvement of the age; that is theRichmond Steam Boat, proceeding with a cargo of live stock to thatcelebrated place of public resort, and, in spite of wind and weather, will return in the evening. They always have a band of music on board, for the amusement of their passengers. "

"Zounds, " said Bob, "they ought to have a smoke-consumer. "

"They had one just now, " replied Tom; "for I apprehend you assisted themin some degree, though not voluntarily. "

"You are smoking me, " said Bob. 

"Never mind, you have only been puffing a cloud. "

"However, as the mist is dispelled, " said Tallyho, "and we have, a clearsky before us again, let us make use of our senses. "

"To the right you perceive Blackfriars' Bridge, and beyond that theSouthwark Bridge. By the way, we were speaking of the alterations to bewitnessed in a country life. We will now pursue the subject, and supposefor a moment our two-thousand-years-ago friend, after his visit amongthe Swains, inclined to transfer his observations to the Great Town. Thefirst question would be, How shall I get there? Oh, there are plenty ofnight coaches, and day coaches too, Sir. Well, then "fancy him seated ina night coach, and having supped on the road, on resuming his cornerof the vehicle, he falls into a sound sleep. Guess what must be hissurprise on waking in the morning, to find himself in the bustle andapparent confusion of the streets of the Metropolis. But how altered!Wide streets and upright houses, instead of narrow lanes with housesmeeting each other at the tops. Then what elegant shops!--He wouldexclaim, rubbing his eyes, 'Why, this is all a dream

"Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain!"

~73~~ 'It cannot be reality!'--However, he swallows a hasty breakfast, and sallies out again to look about him. From London Bridge he espiesthe one I have just mentioned, the Southwark Bridge. --'What have wehere?'--'Oh, Sir, that is the cast-iron bridge, with three arches, over the Thames. ' He hastens to it, and when upon it, what must be hisastonishment, at the power of the human mind to form, and of the humanbody to bring together, such immense pieces of iron? To connect QueenStreet, Cheapside, with the Kent and Surrey Roads by three arches, thecentre of which is 240 feet span, and the side ones 210 feet each, thearches all composed of cast iron, the piers and abutments of stone. 'Zounds, ' he would exclaim, 'if the race of man dwindle in stature, theygrow daily more stupendous in intellect! 'But we will suppose, likeyou, with an anxiety to see all that can be seen, he perceives a machinesailing down the river with astonishing velocity; 'Why, formerly, ' saidhe, 'wind and tide against a vessel were insurmountable obstacles in itspassage, but now they seem to add to its swiftness; how is this to beaccounted for? '--'Easily enough, ' replies a bye-stander; 'Lordbless you, it's all done by steam. Hot water and smoke do every thingnow-a-days! Why there are a great number of machines, which formerlyrequired from two to forty or more horses each to put and keep inmotion, entirely worked by the steam arising from boiling water. '--'Prodigious! Steam do all that! Astonishing!'"

"And truly, " replied Bob, "notwithstanding I have witnessed manyimprovements, I confess I am astonished at the various uses to whichthis discovery has already been devoted, and the extraordinary powers itpossesses. 

"Well, we will pursue the train of thought a little further: Suppose, perambulating the streets till he is quite tired, and seeing alterationsand changes out of number, he enters a Coffee House, eats a hearty meal, and taking a glass or two of wine, he falls into a musing train of ideasof the wonders he has been witnessing, from which he is not disturbed, till the hoarse voice of a Charley sounds in his ear, 'Past ten o'clock, and a cloudy night, ' at which he hastily starts up, discharges his bill, and prepares, by buttoning up close and securing his trusty stick, for(as he would naturally expect) a dull dreary walk. He sallies out thusequipped, and, to his utter astonishment, finds the streets as busy asin the middle of the day, and almost as light. He steps up to one of thelights to ~74~~ examine it--'What can this be? It is not oil, there isno vessel to contain it; surely this can't be steam also! But what canit be?'--'Gas, Sir, ' says a passenger, who overhears the question, 'Gas;it is produced from coals set on fire and confined in a furnace, thesubtle vapour from which is conveyed by means of pipes, and, lightapplied to it, immediately bursts into a flame. ' His astonishment wouldnow be complete, and if he did sleep after, it would be difficult topersuade him it was not all a dream. "

 "Our wise forefathers knew the worth of land, And bank'd the Thames out with laborious hand; From fresh encroachments bound it's restless tide Within a spacious channel deep and wide. With equal pains, revers'd, their grandsons make On the same spot a little inland lake; Where browsing sheep or grazing cattle fed, The wondrous waters new dominion spread; Where rows of houses stood through many a street Now rows of ships present a little fleet. Nay, we had made, had Nature not refus'd, Had Father Thames not begg'd to be excus'd, A pretty tunnel underneath his bed, And left him running, grumbling, over head; Had scratch'd a track out, like a grubbing mole, Through a long, dark, and damp and dirty hole-- Like rats in sewers, had flounder'd through the mud, Instead of sailing, duck-like, o'er the flood; But bubbling springs chok'd up the project deep, And trickling waters on our folly weep. "

By this time they had crossed the Bridge, and having regained thecurricle, the Hon. Tom Dashall tickled the _tits_ in prime style alongthe Strand, in the road to the City. Soon after passing Temple Bar, theywere attracted by a vast concourse of persons surrounding the shop ofMr. Carlile, {1} from whence upon enquiry they learnt the

 1 Perhaps some of the most remarkable occurrences in the City of London have taken place at the house of Carlile. The whole family have been tried and convicted of selling treasonable or seditious works, and are now suffering the sentence of the law. But, notwithstanding the combined efforts of a powerful body, the shop is kept open, and it is more than likely that a greater business is carried on now than ever. In a recent Number of the Re-publican, published by him, he makes the following observations:--

 "Since my last went to press, we have thought it prudent to resort to stratagem to defeat the schemes of the Gang, in taking out every new hand from the shop by a warrant. We now sell all publications, to suspicious and unsuspicious customers, through a hole in a part of the shop, where it is impossible for the purchaser to identify the seller, as there are always two or three serving in the back ground, none of whom can be seen or heard, to be identified individually. These persons are frequently changed, so that even if the enemy resorted to burglary and house-breaking, upon the strength of any warrant, the seller of any pamphlet or pamphlets could not be identified. Where the statue of Paine stood, we are about to caricature the defeat of Murray and Sharpe, and make them watch the hole through which the money and pamphlets pass, without being able to prevent it. There are fifty stratagems by which I could give full effect to the sale of my publications, as well as if they were sold openly, and which would defy prosecution, as the vender could not be identified. I dislike this mode of doing business; I like open, fair play; and I now make a proposition to Stoddart, Clarke, Murray, and Sharp, that I will do every thing openly, and give them the name of every individual in my employ from time to time, if they will confine themselves to the professions they have made through "Cato, " their scribe, and not arrest until a Grand Jury have pronounced a true Bill against the individual. If they will not accept this proposition, they shall arrest no more, and my business shall go on just the same. I tell them, for their comfort, that the pamphlets sold daily through the hole, have doubled the number of those sold openly heretofore. Public curiosity they have excited, and am reaping the benefit. They cannot put-me down. I will put them down. Let the result bear witness. My friend in the enemy's camp and councils, has my thanks for his valuable information. He will perceive that all his information and instructions have been acted upon. "

 The previous observations of Mr. Carlile are admirably elucidated by the following Police Report of one of the Newspapers:

 The Bridge-street Association. --After a cessation of hostilities for two or three days, Mr. Secretary Murray, and the forces of the Bridge Street Association under his command, re-assembled at this Justice-room [Guildhall] on Saturday. 

 Mr. Honorary Secretary Sharp was also in attendance, and remained in the public room with the Yeomen, while the Co- Secretary was indulged with a private interview with the Magistrate, Mr. Alderman Birch, in the parlour. Mr. Newman, the City Solicitor, was also called into council, and remained iu consultation with Secretary Murray some time; there was much marching and countermarching in and out of the office on the part of the Secretary and the Yeomen, but no public application on the part of the Association was made to the Alderman, and it was understood that there was much difficulty in determining the manner of renewing, with any prospect of success, the attacks upon the inmates of "The Temple of Reason. "

 The difficulty, it seems, arose from the new mode of defence adopted by the besieged. The little parlour which adjoins the shop has been converted into a citadel, the glass partition which separates them is closely blinded, and the operations carried on in ambush behind it; two of the squares of glass have been taken out, and in the place of one of them is erected a box with an aperture for the receipt of money, over which is an inscription, "Put your money in here;" and in the other, a contrivance by which the pamphlet wanted is slid down to the purchaser from the inside of the citadel. This machinery, however, is used only for the sale of such works as have already been made the object of prosecution. The seller is invisible, and the identification of his person rendered impracticable, unless the citadel be taken by storm. Little Waddington, heretofore the Radical standard-bearer, whose own experience has procured for him an extensive acquaintance with the persons of officers and informers, has assumed the command, and conducts the operations in the front shop, where the sale of such of Carlile's publications as have not as yet come under the censure of the law, is carried on as usual. 

~76~~ officers of the Police had just taken one of the shopmen incustody, for vending an alleged seditious or treasonable publication, upon the information of a Yeoman in the pay of the Bridge Street Gang. The crowd of persons induced our friends to make a little furtherenquiry into the cause, who were soon informed, that in consequence ofthe repeated attempts to stop the issue of books and pamphlets sold, atwhat is denominated the Temple of Reason, a part of the shop had beenboarded off, so as completely to screen the venders of any publicationfrom the eye of the purchaser, and by this means to render abortive allfuture attempts to identify any supposed offender. 

"Why, " said Dashall, "it is an old saying, and I believe a verytrue one, If you tread upon a worm it will turn. Such appears to beexemplified in the case of this man. You have also heard me remark, thatin London it signifies little by what means a man obtains popularity, and here is a case exactly in point. An extensive body of rich men havecombined their efforts to crush an individual of little importance inthe world, and who perhaps would before this have been forgotten, butfor their indiscreet interference with his pursuits. They are now notonly foiled in their endeavours to obtain fresh exercise for theirYeomen, and more work for their Lawyers, but, in consequence of theirdetermined opposition, the world is likely to be deluged with everyobnoxious publication, without any chance of detecting the sellers. "

"It is a curious manouvre, " said Tallyho. 

"Yes, and it appears to have the desired effect with the Carliles andtheir adherents. They carry on the war in ambuscade, and are selling, without fear, books and ~77~~ pamphlets, of which but for the_Constitutional Committee_, as they call themselves, perhaps half theworld would have known nothing. Such, however, is frequently the effectof intemperate zeal, and these Gentlemen have blown into notoriety thatwhich they intended to suppress, whether upon the substantial grounds ofreason or propriety, I leave others to decide. "

Becoming now entangled in a double row of carriages, with littleprospect of making further progress for some time, our friends resignedthe curricle to the care of the servant, and proceeded on foot to theCity Coffee House, Ludgate Hill, for refreshment. {1}

 1 When the City Coffee House was first opened, Dr. Johnson frequently called there, and one morning observing a large book upon the table, took it up, and after inspecting the outside with great attention, he found it to be Minshew's Dictionary of Twelve Languages; upon which he turned round to the master of the house and asked him, "What use he could have for such a book?" "To amuse literary Gentlemen, " was the reply. "Do you under-stand any of these languages?" "I find it a very difficult task, Sir, to understand my own, and I am not possessed of the erudition of a Johnson. " The Doctor looked at him stedfastly and replied, "Sir, you are a very impudent fellow. " "Sir, I am sorry you think so, " replied the proprietor, "and I hope we shall both of us mend our manners. " On this the Doctor drank his chocolate, and marched out of the house. 

This Coffee House is much resorted to, and, in point of comfortableaccommodation, is perhaps not surpassed by any in London. 

Having regaled themselves, and looked over the leading papers of theday, they proceeded to inspect the interior of that noble edifice, thepride of the British empire, St. Paul's Cathedral. 

"According to vulgar tradition, " said Dashall, "this church occupies thesite of a Roman temple, which was consecrated to Diana; but the son ofSir Christopher Wren, in his Parentalia, controverts this opinion, andcontends, that the first cathedral of the Episcopal see of London wasbuilt in the area, the seat of the Roman Prætorian camp, the precisespot on which the present church stands. It is supposed to have beendestroyed in the general persecution under the emperor Dioclesian, tohave been re-edified under Constantine, to have been demolished by thePagan Saxons, and to have been restored in the seventh century, when theSaxons embraced ~78~~ Christianity. From this period it has been fourtimes rebuilt, and at the great fire of London was totally destroyed. "

These remarks premised by Dashall for the information of his friend, they proceeded to view the several statues and funeral monuments, displayed with uniformity and executed with considerable taste, by whichthe interior of the church has been much improved in appearance. {1}

After having examined these stately and expressive mementos ofmortality, the two visitors were asked by their attendant, whether theywould pass to the stone and iron galleries outside of the church; butthis, having so lately enjoyed the extensive prospect from the Monument, they declined, and proceeded at once to the Library, the first object tobe seen in the ascent. 

Our two visitors were very much pleased with this handsome room, whichin its dimensions is about fifty feet by forty, having shelves of booksto the top, with a gallery

 1 The statues of Dr. Johnson, and Howard the philanthropist, both executed by the late Mr. Bacon, were opened for public inspection in 1796. That of Dr. Johnson represents a moral philosopher, with the attitude and expression of intense thought, leaning against a column, indicative of the firmness of mind and stability of principles of the man whom it is intended to commemorate. 

 The statue of Howard, in which the character of active benevolence is well expressed, stands upon a pedestal of white marble, on which is a group of bas-relief, representing a scene in a prison, where the philanthropist, having broken the chains of the prisoners, is bringing provision and clothing for their relief. 

 The statue of Sir William Jones, a man well known for his extensive and multifarious erudition, whose study it was to make the British name honoured and revered amongst the nations of the East, is also the work of Bacon, and was erected by the East India Company. 

 Amongst the monuments lately raised in commemoration of de- parted worth, is that of Nelson, and in design and execution it is not exceeded by any in the Cathedral. 

 In the open part of the Cathedral, the stranger will be struck with the appearance of numerous tattered flags, the trophies of British valour. Those over the aisle leading from the western door, were taken in part during the American War, and the rest by the Duke of York at Valenciennes. Those on both sides near the north door, were reprisals made from the French by Lord Howe, on the 1st of June, 1794; opposite to which, on the right hand, are the flags taken from the Spaniards by Lord Nelson, in 1797; and on the left are those taken from the Dutch by Lord Duncan, at Camperdown, and by Lord Keith at the Cape of Good Hope. 

~79~~running along the sides. The floor is of oak, consisting of 2376small square pieces, and is not only curious for its being inlaid, without a nail or a peg to fasten the parts, but is very neat in theworkmanship, and beautiful in its appearance. The principal thingspointed out to a stranger, are several carved stone pillars, some Latinmanuscripts, written by Monks 800 years ago, and an English manuscriptilluminated, containing rules for the government of a convent, writtenin old English, about 500 years since, all in fine preservation. 

The clock-work and the great bell were the next curiosities thatattracted the attention of our visitants. On the latter, weighing11, 470lbs. The hammer of the clock strikes the hours. It was now noon, and the ponderous hammer put itself into motion, and slowly, yet withastounding impetus, struck the bell, and the reverberation tingled onthe auricular organs of the two strangers with painful and stunningeffect throughout the long protracted intimation of the hour; nor was ituntil a considerable time had elapsed, that their hearing recovered fromthe clanging agitation. {1}

 1 This bell is never tolled but upon the death of some of the Royal Family, of the Bishop of London, or of the Dean of St. Paul's, and then the clapper is moved and not the bell. In the stillness of night, the indication of the hour by the deeply sonorous tone of this bell may be heard, not merely over the immense Metropolis, but in distant parts of the country. The fact is well known of the sentry at Windsor, who, when accused of having been asleep one night on his post, denied the charge, saying, "That he had been listening to St. Paul's in London, which had just struck thirteen!" And this assertion was, upon enquiry, satisfactorily corroborated. 

They were now ushered into the _Whispering Gallery_, which isconstructed on the very simple principle of an unbroken communication. It is 140 yards in circumference, and a stone seat runs round thegallery along the foot of the wall. On the side directly opposite to theentrance door, Dashall and his friend seated themselves, when the personwho shewed the gallery whispered close to the door, at the distanceof 140 feet, and yet they heard his voice seemingly at their ear. Theshutting of the door resembled a clap of thunder. From this gallery, round the inner circle of which is an iron balustrade, the marblepavement of the church exhibits a beautiful appearance, and thepaintings of the dome, which have ~80~~ greatly suffered by time, arethence seen to the greatest advantage. 

The ascent to the ball is attended by some difficulty, and isnot encountered by many. Our two visitants therefore declined itsinspection. The interior diameter of the ball is six feet two inches, and will contain twelve persons. {1}

 1 A new ball and cross have lately replaced the former, of similar dimensions. The erection of the scaffolding, and subsequent proceedings of the workmen, at so fearful a height from the "haunts of men, " excited a very general interest, more particularly so on the recent happy accomplishment of the undertaking, when the in-trepid aeronauts cheered the admiring multitude far beneath, and, seated in the clouds like the deities of Mount Olympus, drank to the prosperity of their friends in the nether regions. 

The best view of the metropolis is obtained, in a clear day, from thegallery at the foot of the lantern. The diminutive appearance of thepassengers and other objects beneath is extremely amusing, and resemblesthe Elfin Panorama of the capital of Lilliput. 

The calm serenity of the interior, the awful grandeur of the structureitself, and the reflections arising from the contemplation of monumentserected to the memory of departed worth, with the splendid achievementsof heroic minds, formed a strange contrast to the scene which presenteditself to their view on leaving this magnificent pile. The hurry, bustle, and confusion of the street, the noisy vociferations ofcoachmen, carmen, &c. Burst upon their senses at a moment when the mindhad been soothed by reflection, and the eye gratified with a sight whichled imagination into futurity, before which the past and the presenthad appeared to evaporate. The Hon. Tom Dashall, however, was quicklyrecalled by observing his curricle so completely hemmed in betweencontending parties to obtain liberation at the corner of Paul's chain, as to afford but little chance of escape from its intricate situationfor some time. 

"Zounds, " said Tom, "we had better return and take a seat among theworthies within, for I have no idea of mounting the curricle, to sit andbe quizzed. "

"Any chance, " said Bob, "is better than that; but at all events your manis able to take care of the carriage and cattle, and we are competent tothe care of ourselves. "

"Well hinted, " replied Tom, "and it shall be acted upon. "

~81~~ Thus saying, he made his way through the throng, and gave ordersfor the curricle to proceed home as soon as it could be extricated fromits present confinement. Then returning to his Cousin, "It is not the first time I have been disappointed; I had made upmy mind to proceed much farther; but the very scenes we have beeninspecting are proofs of the inability of man to perform all his wishes, although equally' a proof of the splendid talents and determined valourof our renowned and deservedly remembered countrymen, and are wellcalculated to inspire us with patience, fortitude, and forbearance. Atthe other door we can escape from the bustle of this side; and perhapsthe best thing we can do under existing circumstances, will be to speedhomewards, and after dinner relax a little from our toils, in order torecruit for further activity. "

"Have with you, " said Bob; "we have enjoyed the first part of the day ona variety of interesting subjects, and after a cheerful and refreshingride, have at last arrived at the threshold of eternity. We may as wellescape for this time if we can, and cheat the grim tyrant of mankind. Although our ride has been a long one, our walk back is but short, solet us lose no time. "

In accordance with this recommendation, he caught hold of Dashall's arm, proceeded through the Cathedral, and arrived at Piccadilly without anything remarkable or particular to record, where we shall for the presentleave them to their enjoyments among the able writers with which Tom'sbookcase was well stored. 

CHAPTER VI

 Hail! venerable pile! with awe I tread The sacred mansion of th' illustrious dead! Where rise, o'er forms now mould'ring into dust, The "storied urn" and "animated West. "-- Beneath the fretted dome, aspiring high, Here monarchs, heroes, poets, sages, lie! "Deaf the prais'd ear, and mute the tuneful tongue, " Here sleeps the bard with those whom erst he sung; And all consigned to one impartial doom, Lo! kings and subjects levelled in the tomb!

IN a perambulation westward, our friends shortly reached the precinctof Westminster Abbey, or the collegiate Church of Saint Peter; the mostancient religious structure in the metropolis. 

Divested of fabulous narration, its history is briefly as follows. Itsname is obviously derived from its situation, in the west, and from itsoriginal destination as the church of a monastery. It was founded bySebert, king of the East Saxons; was destroyed afterwards by the Danes;was subsequently re-built by king Edgar in 958; the church was againre-built by Edward the Confessor in 1065; and by Pope Nicholas II. Itwas constituted a place of inauguration of the English Monarchs. HenryIII. Re-built it from the ground, and Henry VII. Added a magnificentchapel at the east end of it. The monastery was surrendered by theabbot and monks to Henry VIII. Who first converted it into a college ofsecular canons, and afterwards into a cathedral, of which the county ofMiddlesex was the see. His successor, Edward VI. Dissolved the see, andrestored the college, which was again converted by Mary into an abbey. That institution was dissolved by Elizabeth in 1560; she founded thepresent establishment, which is a college consisting of a dean, 12secular canons, and 30 petty canons; to which is attached a school of40 boys, denominated the Queen's or King's scholars, with a master andusher; and also twelve alms-men, an organist, and choristers. 

Its greatest length is 489 feet; the breadth of the west front 66 feet;the length of the cross aisle 189 feet; and the height of the roof 92feet; the west end is adorned with two towers, which were built by SirChristopher Wren. The nave and cross aisles are supported by two rowsof arches, of Sussex marble, one above the other, each of the pillars ofwhich is a union of one massy round pillar, and tour others of a similarform, but slender. These aisles are lofty, and each of the small pillarsbeing extended from the base to the roof, they produce an idea at oncesublime and awful. Besides the cross aisle there are two side aisles, which are lower than the nave; and, being in a just proportion, theyunite with the other parts of the edifice to produce a harmoniouseffect. The choir, from which there is an ascent by several steps toa magnificent altar-piece of white marble, is divided from the westernpart of the great aisle by two iron gates, and is perhaps the mostbeautiful choir in Europe: its roof was materially injured by fire, occasioned by the carelessness of the plumbers who were repairing itin 1803, but it has since been completely restored, at an expence ofupwards of £4000. In this choir is performed the coronation of the Kingsand Queens of England. 

This succinct account will not prove unacceptable, we hope, to ourreaders. 

The attractive spot at the southern extremity of the cross aisle wasnow entered by the two friends. "This, " said Dashall, "is called Poet'sCorner, and never could a place be named with more propriety. "

Tallyho cast an eye of intense observation on these sacred recordsof departed excellence. Here he found the names of Chaucer, Spenser, Shakespeare, Johnson, Milton, Dryden, Butler, Thomson, Gay, Goldsmith, &c. There also, as though the spot were dedicated to genius of thehighest rank, are the tombs of Handel and Garrick. The Squire in hisadmiration of the British Poets, now gave full scope to the ardency ofhis feelings, and surrounded by the sculptured images of the bards offormer days, he seemed as if environed by a re-animated constellation ofgenius, and wrapt in the delirium of its inspiritive influence. 

~84~~ Westminster Abbey contains a great number of monuments of kings, statesmen, heroes, poets, and persons distinguished by genius, learning, and science; but many of these monuments can be regarded as littlebetter than so many disfigurements of the buildings. Some however are tobe spoken of with praise, and the best are the productions of Reubilliacand Bacon. 

The curiosities of Westminster Abbey consist chiefly of twelve chapels, the principal of which were visited by Dashall and his cousin; but tothe chapel of Henry VII. Their chief attention was directed. This chapelis contiguous to the eastern extremity of the church, and opens into it:it is dedicated to the Virgin Mary, and is one of the finest specimensof Gothic antiquity in the world. On its site formerly stood a chapeldedicated to the Virgin Mary, and also a tavern, distinguished by thesign of the White Rose: Henry resolving to erect a superb mausoleum forhimself and his family, pulled down the old chapel and tavern, andon the 11th of February in the year 1503, the first stone of the newstructure was laid by Abbot Islip, at the King's command. It cost£14, 000, an immense sum for that period, particularly consideringthe rapacious temper of the king. The exterior of the chapel isdistinguished by the richness and variety of its form, occasionedchiefly by 14 towers, elegantly proportioned to the body of the edifice, and projecting in different angles from the outer-most wall: the insideis approached by the area at the back of the chapels of Edward theConfessor and Henry v. The floor of this chapel is elevated above thatof the area, and the ascent is by a flight of marble steps: the entranceis ornamented with a handsome gothic portico of stone, within whichare three large gates of gilt brass, of curious open workmanship, everypannel being enriched with a rose and a portcullis alternately. Thechapel consists of the nave and two small aisles: the centre is 99 feetin length, 66 in breadth, and 54 in height, terminating at the east in acurve, and having five deep recesses of a similar form: the entrance tothese recesses is by open arches, and they add greatly to the relief andbeauty of the building: it is not improbable that they were originallyso many smaller chapels, destined to various uses. The side aisles arein a just proportion to the centre, with which they communicate byfour arches, turned on gothic pillars; each of them is relieved by fourrecesses, a window, with minute and curious ~85~~divisions, running thewhole height of each recess. The upper part of the nave has four windowson each side, and ten in the eastern extremity, five above and fivebelow. The whole of the roof of the chapel, including the side aislesand the curve at the end, is of wrought stone, in the gothic style, and of exquisite beauty. An altar-tomb erected by Henry, at the cost of£1000, to receive his last remains, stands in the centre of the chapel. It is of basaltic stone, ornamented and surrounded with a magnificentrailing of gilt brass. This monument was constructed by PeterTorregiano, a Florentine artist, and possesses extraordinary merit. Sixdevices in bas-relief, and four statues, all of gilt brass, adorn thetomb. 

In addition to these venerable antiquities, which all deserve to beseen, a variety of figures in wax, and in cases with glazed doors, areshewn as curiosities to the stranger; but they ought to be removed, as disgraceful to the grandeur and solemnity of the other parts of thescene, and as a satire on the national taste, which can scarcelybe excused, when such things are exhibited in a room for children'samusement. 

Every lover of the arts must lament that this beautiful relic of gothictaste is falling rapidly to decay; notwithstanding, within the lasttwenty-four years, the Dean and Chapter of Westminster have expended thesum of £28, 749 in general repairs of the abbey. Parliament, however, hasat last granted the requisite aid, and the sum of £20, 000 has been votedto commence the repairs, which are now going on. It has been estimatedthat the necessary repairs of Henry the VIIth's chapel will cost about£14, 800 and the ornamental repairs about £10, 400. 

The prospect from the western tower of the abbey is more beautiful andpicturesque, though less extensive, than that from St. Paul's. The westend of the town and its environs, the Banquetting-house at Whitehall, St. James's park, the gardens of the Queen's palace, the extremity ofPiccadilly and Hyde-park, with the Serpentine River, and the distantgroves of Kensington Gardens, present a varied and magnificent viewtowards the west. On the other hand, the bridges of Westminster, Waterloo, and Blackfriars, with the broad expanse of the Thames, andSomerset-house on its banks, and St. Paul's towering pile, together withthe light Gothic steeple of St. Dunstan's in the East, present a mostnoble and ~86~~ interesting prospect. From this tower the exterior formof St. Paul's, when the sun falls upon it, is distinctly seen, and hereits exquisite beauty will be more fully comprehended than in any part ofthe city, for a sufficient area to take in the entire outline is not tobe found there. 

This prolixity of description will not, we presume, be considered by ourreaders, as a tedious digression from the main subject. --_Real Lifein London_ cannot be better elucidated, than by uniting incident withappropriate anecdote, and amidst the perambulations of our respectableassociates, which led them to the ancient and interesting edifice ofWestminster Abbey, it necessarily followed that we should illustratethe subject, by a brief, yet accurate and interesting account of theantiquity, et cetera, of the object under consideration. 

Having gratified their wishes by a cursory inspection of what theirguides were pleased to denominate "Curiosities, " our two heroes wereon the eve of departure from the Abbey, when Bob begged that the guidewould repeat the terms of admission to view these repositories ofmortality. 

"The tombs, " said the conductor, "at the east end of the church, withthe chapel of Henry VIIth, the price of admission to view these, sir, issix-pence; the models three-pence; the tombs at the northern part ofthe cross aisle three-pence; and the west end and tower of the abbeysix-pence. "

Tallyho expressed his surprise that the house of God and the depositoryof the dead, should be so shamefully assigned over to the influence ofMammon, and a price of admission as into a place of public amusement, exacted by those to whose mercenary government the ancient structure ofWestminster Abbey had devolved. "Was it thus, always, " asked he, "fromthe time of Henry IIId?" To this enquiry, the guide replied merely bya shrug of his shoulders, rather indicative of contempt than otherways, and to a further question of "Who is the receiver general of theseexactions, and to what purpose are they applied?" he preserved a sullentaciturnity. 

From the south aisle of the abbey there are two entrances into thecloisters, which are entire, and consist of four arched walks on thesides of an open quadrangle. There are many monuments in these walks, but four of them, beneath which are the remains of four of the abbots~87~~of Westminster, at the east end of the south walk, are all whichmerit particular attention. --

Amongst the ancient records deposited here, the two friends weregratified with a sight of those of the Court of Star-chamber, and of theoriginal Domesday-book, which is still as legible as the first hour itwas written. 

Against the south-west part of the west front of the abbey, is the northfront of the Jerusalem chamber, remarkable for being the place whereking Henry IV. Breathed his last. {1}

North from the abbey stood the Sanctuary, the place of refuge allowedin old times, to criminals of a certain description; and, on the southside, was the eleemosynary or almonry, where the alms of the abbot weredistributed. --This place is remarkable for being the spot in which thefirst printing-press ever used in England was set up; and here, in 1474, Caxton printed the Game and Play of Chesse, the first book everprinted in England. --A new Court House is now built on the site of thesanctuary. 

Having seen in the Abbey every curiosity of note, its two visitantsdirected their course into Westminster Hall, the great national seatof justice. --This together with the House of Lords, and the House ofCommons, are the remains of the palace of Westminster, built by Edwardthe Confessor, the situation of which was close to the river Thames, andthe stairs leading from it still retain the name of palace stairs. Thehall itself is the largest room in Europe, except the theatre at Oxford, unsupported by columns. It is 275 feet in length, 74 in breadth, and 90in height, the roof being of oak, of curious gothic architecture. Itwas originally used as a place of festivity, and Richard IId entertained10, 000 guests within its walls. In this hall Charles I. . Was tried andcondemned; and at present it is occasionally fitted up for the trial ofpeers or of any person impeached by the Commons. 

Our heroes now relinquishing the contemplation of the olden times forthe enjoyment of the passing scenes of the modern, turned their stepsin the direction of Whitehall; passing through which, and facing theBanquetting-House, {2} their observation was attracted to a gentleman on

 1 See Shakespeare's Play of Henry IV. Part II. 

 2 In front of the Banquetting House, on a scaffold, Charles I. Was beheaded on the 30th of January, 1648;--His Majesty passed from the Banquetting House to the scaffold through one of the windows. 

~88~~horseback, followed by a number of people, by whom he wasfrequently and warmly cheered; and _en passant_ was recognized withother popular feeling of regard and respect. Dashall stept forward toreconnoitre, and ascertained that the favourite was no other than theworthy representative of the borough of Southwark, Sir Robert Wilson, Knt. Lately deprived of his rank as a General, "for, " continued Dashall, "nobody knows what, unless the enormous crime of paying his last tributeof respect to the memory of an "injured Queen;" and endeavouring, inthe temperate language of remonstrance, to prevent the effusion of humanblood! His character however, is too firmly rooted to sustain injuryfrom the breath of slander; and the malignity of his enemies hasrecoiled on themselves: thanks to a brave, just, and generous people, who are ever prone to save whom persecution aims to destroy. "

Dashall seemed warm in defending the cause of this gallant officer, andthe Squire listened with correspondent satisfaction. 

"The allied Sovereigns, " observed Dashall, "in General Sir RobertWilson, found all the essential requisites of a good soldier: of skillto plan, and of valour to execute. They were chiefly indebted to hisjudgment and intrepidity for the victory of Leipsic; to which ampletestimony was given by the Emperors of Russia and Austria; the latter ofwhom, during the intensity and perils of the engagement, he extricatedfrom the imminent hazard of captivity. His services have not been ofless importance in the armies of his own country, as acknowledged bythe Commander in Chief, who has now rewarded him by recommending hisdismissal, at the instance, no doubt, of Ministers; anxious by thisprocedure to annihilate his independent feelings, and render them moresubservient to the doctrine of non-resistance and of passive obedienceto the existing authorities!"{1}

 1 This object is already defeated. --Amongst all classes Sir Robert Wilson's dismissal has excited strong feelings of reprobation. Certainly, whatsoever other name may be given to the act, it cannot be called a just one, to degrade an honourable man from his rank, and deprive him of the half pay (which in a great measure accrued to him from purchase, ) without accusation, arbitrarily, and on secret and suborned information of having; merited the inflicted contumely. But futile has been the effort of malevolence; Sir Robert Wilson's half pay was £460 per annum, and the subscriptions in indemnification of his loss already exceed £10, 000. 

~89~~Pursuing their course along the Strand, and ruminating on thealarming increase of juvenile depravity, Tallyho could not avoidremarking on the numerous temptations held out to the vicious andnecessitous in this wide-spreading and wealthy metropolis--"Forinstance, " making a full halt, with his friend, against the spacious andunlatticed window of a jeweller's shop, Dashall admitted the truth ofhis companion's observation. Here on promiscuous display were seenmost valuable articles of jewelry, stretching multitudinously from oneextremity to the other of the window, consisting of gold and silverwatches, elegant and richly wrought seals, musical snuff-boxes, diamondrings, diamond pins, &c. Embracing, in vast variety, a property ofimmense value, divided from the street by "thin and undefended squaresof glass only; and that the lure might prove still more attractive, eacharticle marked at its price, some 25, some 50, 75, 100, and 200 guineaseach! A dash and a grab might secure to the depredator possession ofwealth; and while such temptations are held out, the surprise is, notthat so many street robberies are, but that a great many more are notcommitted. The many thousands in London out of employment, and of theseperhaps the greatest number unhoused and famishing, would it be much tobe wondered at if some of these sons of misery, goaded onwards to crimeby the extremity of human suffering, were to attempt the possession ofspoil, so carelessly exposed, and apparently so easily obtainable?{1}

 1 Lord Mansfield once presided as Judge, when an unfortunate man was tried for stealing an article of jewellery from a shop-window, exposed by its unguarded state to depredation, and more encouraging than otherwise, the hope of success. -- It proved differently, and the prosecutor seeming determined to proceed against the wretched man, even to capital punishment, Lord Mansfield, indignant at the severity of the owner of the trinket, and compassionating the state of misery and destitution, under the influence of which the poor prisoner at the bar, stimulated too by its careless exposure, had committed the felony, desired the Jury to value the trinket in question at ten pence. --The prosecutor started up in surprise, and exclaimed, "Tenpence, my Lord! why the very fashion of it cost me ten times the sum!" "That may be, " returned his Lordship, "but we must not hang a man for fashion's sake!"

~90~~"Here conies silly Tom and staggering Bob, " exclaimed a fellow, ashe approached towards our pedestrians. Tallyho had grasped more firmlyhis oaken sprig, with the intention of trying the crankness of theobserver's pericranium, when Dashall perceived that the obnoxious remarkwas directed to a simple looking old man, dejectedly leading a horse"done up, " and apparently destined for the slaughter-house. 

"Where now, Tommy, " continued the querist, "with thy decayed bit ofblood?"

"Aye, aye, " answered Tommy, despondingly, "even to the naggers, {1}--'tiswhat we must all come to. "

 1 A Naggerman is a wholesale horse-butcher! his business is frequently so extensive as to enable him to employ a vast many hands, and so lucrative as to ensure him a fortune in a very few years; the carcases are sold to the dealers by whom they are cut up, and sold in quarters to the retailers, and purchased by the street venders; these latter form one of the prominent itinerant avocations, and supply with food all the dogs and cats of the metropolis!

"And so thy master has passed the doom of death against his old servantBob, on whose back he has been safely borne, in the chase, "many a timeand oft, " as the song says, "o'er hedges, gaps, ditches and gates;and fleet of foot as thou wert, " patting the animal with feelings ofcommiseration, " and often as thou hast replenished thy master's purse, thou art now going to the slaughter-house!"

"Even so--the faithful servant, now no longer useful, is discarded. "

"And put to death!--Why man, thy master is a d----d unfeeling, ungrateful scoundrel, else he would have turned this poor nag at largeon the green sward, to roam as he list in summer, with a warm stable inwinter, and have left him to die the death of nature. "

An assemblage of passengers had now collected round the doom'd horseand his sympathizing friend, whose vehemence of expression had attractedmuch attention. The feelings of his auditory were in full unison withhis own, and as the throng increased, with inquisitive curiosity, theadvocate in the cause of humanity repeated the following lines:

 "And hast thou doom'd my death, sweet master, say, And wilt thou kill thy servant, old and poor? A little longer let me live, I pray; A little longer hobble round thy door!"

~91~~The spectators were evidently affected. He next sung the stanza ofan old song, extemporaneously produced (with the exception of the firsttwo lines)

 At last having labored, drudg'd early and late, Bow'd down by degrees he draws on to his fate: His blood must the Naggerman's sluicing knife spill; His carcase the Naggerman's slaughter-house fill! Now led to his doom, while with pity we view Poor Bob, may mishap still his master pursue; Who callously spurning humanity's bounds, Now sells his old servant as food for the hounds. 

The Squire having occasion to call at a banker's in Fleet Street, thetwo friends entered at the moment when a countryman with a most ruefulexpression of countenance, stood transfixed to the floor, like thestatue of Despair, incapable either of speech or motion. After anabsorption of mental faculty of several minutes duration, he burst outinto the incoherent exclamations of

"Murrian take un, zay I!--Icod, I'ze in a voine pickle! I ha brought mypigs to market wi a vengeance! O luord! O luord! whoa would ha thoughten't?"

He then began exercising his feet by stamping each alternately on thefloor, with a violence that shook the room to its foundation; andthis vehement thunder he accompanied by correspondent energy ofgesticulation; distorting his visage, and casting about his arms withthe action of an infuriated maniac. The place was thrown into alarm, andbusiness was suspended. Dashall now addressing himself to the presumedlunatic, begged him to compose himself, and endeavour briefly to statewhat had happened, that if he had sustained an injury, redress might beobtained. 

After several fruitless attempts at narration, he at length told hisstory; and that it may lose nothing of its originality, we shall give itin the first person. 

"I'ze cuom zur, frae Zumersetzshire to Lunnon, first time o' my loife, by coach, where it putt en at a pleace called the two Gooses necks, andzo having a cheque on this house for Fifty Pounds, and not knowingthe way, I axed a vera civil gentleman whom I met wi' hovering aboutInn-yard; and telling him my business, Pze go with you, zaid he, vera kindly, and help thee to take care o! thy money, vor there be adesperate set o' sharp fellows in Lunnon ready to take every advantageof a stranger; ~92~~ and zoa we came along, and just avore we gotteninto house here, he said to I, zays he, I'ze take thy money and zee thatall's right, vor there be a vast many bad sovereigns about. --Well, zur, zoa he did; and just as I wur looking about, it seems he had taenhimself off wi'the money, vor when I looked round he wur no where to bezeen; and zoa zur, I have lost Fifty good Pounds to my sorrow. Who wouldha thought it!--I wish the murrian had ha hold on me avore I had come tothis wicked world o' Lunnon!"

Here the countryman concluded his narrative, exciting the amusement ofsome and the sympathy of others of his auditory. --The banker dispatchedone of his clerks with the unlucky wight to one of the Public Offices, for the purpose of describing the depredator, altho' with very smallchance of recovering the property. {1}

Eliminating on the folly of this credulous countryman, our perambulatorsnow proceeded down Fleet Street, where casting a look into BoltCourt--"Here, " said Dashall, "lived and died the colossus of Englishliterature, Doctor Samuel Johnson, {2} a man whose like the world may

 1 In all the Coach and Waggon yards in London there are fellows loitering about with the view of plunder; they frequently are taken by the unwary countryman, for domestics of the Inn, and as such are entrusted with property with which they immediately decamp, and by many other artful manouvres secure their spoil. 

 2 The most trivial circumstance in the life of a great man, carries with it a certain somewhat of importance, infinitely more agreeable to the generality of readers than the long details which history usually presents. Amongst the numerous anecdotes of Doctor Johnson, perhaps the following is not the least amusing. --When the Doctor first became acquainted with David Mallet, they once went, with some other gentlemen, to laugh away an hour at South-wark-fair. At one of the booths where wild beasts were exhibited to the wondering crowd, was a very large bear, which the showman assured them was "cotched" in the undiscovered deserts of the remotest Russia. The bear was muzzled, and might therefore be approached with safety; but to all the company, except Johnson, was very surly and ill tempered. Of the philosopher he appeared extremely fond, rubbed against him, and displayed every mark of awkward partiality, and ursine kindness. "How is it, (said one of the company, ) that; this savage animal is so attached to Mr. Johnson?" From a very natural cause, replied Mallet: "the bear is a Russian philosopher, and he knows that Linnæus would have placed him in the same class with the English moralist. They are two barbarous animals of one species. "--Johnson disliked Mallet for his tendency to infidelity, and this sarcasm turned his dislike into downright hatred. He never spoke to him afterwards, but has gibbeted him in his octavo dictionary, under the article "Alias. "

~93~~perhaps never see again; yet with all his vast erudition he hadhis prejudices and superstitions; he believed in apparitions, and hedespised all countries save his own. --The Scotch and Irish he affectedparticularly to dislike. --In his poem of "London, " in imitation ofJuvenal, he says, --

 For who unbrib'd would leave Hibernia's land, Or change the rocks of Scotland for the Strand?-- There none are swept by sudden death away, But all whom Hunger spares, with age decay!

But, with all his foibles, (and who is there without human infirmity?)Doctor Samuel Johnson was the most highly talented writer of any age ornation. "

Facing the Obelisk, "let us stroll down the market, " said Dashall, "considered the cheapest in London. --Flesh, fish and fowl, fruits, rootsand vegetables, are here abundantly attainable, and at moderate prices. "

Amongst the various venders, our two observers passed on, unmolestedly, excepting the annoyance and importunity of "What d'ye buy? what d'yebuy, buy, buy?" from" barking butchers, who instinctively reiteratedthe phrase as the casual passenger approached, like so many parrots, unconscious of its import being unproductive in effect; for who wouldbe induced to purchase by the clamorous invitation universally in use bythese vociferous butchers of the metropolis?--"My fine fellow, " observedTallyho to one who annoyed him, "good wine, they say, needs no bush, neither does good meat require a barker. "

"Bad luck to my mother's own daughter, and that is myself, sure, "exclaimed a retail venderess of vegetables, to her opponent in trade, "if I wouldn't for the value of a tester, or for the value of nothing atall at all, give you freely just what you ask for my jewel. --Arrah now, is it law that you want of me! Faith and troth then you shall have it, _club-law_, when and where you plase, my darling!"

"Dirty end, " rejoined the other lady, "to the girl who fear* you!--Heream I, Kate, of the Maclusky's of Ballymena, in the county of Antrim, long life to it! and it would be a hard case, and a shameful one toboot, if a well educated northern lass should suffer her own self to bedisgraced by a Munster-woman. "

~94~~ "The devil fly away with Ballymena, and the Macluskys along withit!" retorted the other; "and is it Munster and heddication that you arebothering about? Whillaloe graraachree! my sweet one! and did you beginyour larning in Ballymena, and come to finish it in Fleet-market? Bymy conscience, Kate Maclusky, if you are not very much belied, you knowmore than you ought to do. "

"And what would you 'sinuate by that?" demanded Kate;--"What do you'sinuate by that, Ma'am?--I acknowledge that I'm both a whore and athief--what then? Bating that I defy you to say, black is the white ofmy eye!"

Here Mrs. Maclusky with arms a-kimbo, and a visage strongly expressingexasperation and defiance, advanced towards the Munster-woman. 

"Let us step aside, " said Dashall, "hostilities are about to commence. "

He was right; a few more irritable preliminaries, and the heroines camein contact, in due order of battle. 

"Two to one on the Munster-woman. " "Done! Ulster for ever! go itKate!--handle your dawdles, my girl;--shiver her ivory;--darken herskylights;--flatten her sneizer;--foul, foul, --ah you Munster b----ch!"

"Fair, fair;--arrah, now for the honor of Munster;--dig away;--mind yourhits;--rattle her bread basket;--set her claret-spout a-going;--standfirm on your pegs;--what, down!"

Thus ended round the first; the amazons had, in the fray, reduced eachother from the waist upwards to nearly a state of nudity. On either sidethe partisans were numerous, the combatants eager to renew the fight, and the spectators, the majority of whom were of Irish distraction, anxious for the result, when the officious interposition of officialauthority, terminated the "tug of war, " and the honor of the twoprovinces remained undecided. --

"Success to the land that gave Patrick his birth. " Tranquillity thusrestored, a new scene in the drama of Fleet-market attracted theattention of the two visitants. 

A rabbit pole-woman passing through the market, was accosted by a lady, who enquiring the price of the Rabbits, purchased a couple, in frontof the shop of a similar exhibitant. --This was considered by therabbit-dealers of the market, a gross breach of privilege, moreparticularly as the obnoxious female had presumed to undersell them, even with a superior article. Not willing, however, from ~95~~prudentialreasons, to appear in avowed personal hostility against the object oftheir vengeance, and that, too, a woman, who had inadvertently incurredthe displeasure of their high mightinesses, the subordinate agency ofboys was deputed for the purpose of wrecking summary retribution; andthe juvenile deputation quickly overthrew in the apparent wantonness ofmischief, the whole of the poor girl's day-property, and scrambling forthe spoil, disseminated themselves in different directions, leaving notthe vestige of a rabbit behind!

A torrent of tears, feelingly shewed the anguish of her mind. She wasruined beyond hope of redemption; the rabbits she had every morning oncredit, she plied the streets in selling them, through many a wearisomehour in the day, happy if next morning, having realized a very moderateprofit by her laborious vocation, she could settle accounts with thewholesale dealer, and take a fresh cargo with which to commence anotherday's adventure. --But now, wringing her hands in an agony of grief, "It is all over with me!" she exclaimed, --" my means of subsistence isgone, --my credit is lost, --and God's will be done, --I must go home andstarve!"{1}

 1 It is scarcely credible that one salesman in Leadenhall market, at the present time, sells on an average 14, 000 rabbits weekly. He contracts with the coach masters for the carriage, and pays them eleven pounds per thousand, amounting, weekly, to £154. The way he disposes of them, is by employing 150 travelling pole-men and women; in the morning they are started upon credit, and the next day they return, bringing back the skins, settle the accounts, and then take a fresh cargo. 

Ever prone to relieve distress, Dashall and Tallyho sympathized mostsincerely with this unfortunate girl; there was an indescribablesomething of extreme interest about her, which was well calculated toexcite a feeling of generous commiseration. 

Shall we now say the two philanthropists? for such theyproved themselves. Each then, in the same moment, expanded his purse, and together more than compensated the delighted and astonished girl forher loss, who, blessing her benefactors, went home rejoicing. 

Gaining the extremity of the market, at the bottom of Skinner-street, the two friends rounded the corner, and verged towards Ludgate-hillby the Fleet Prison. Here a fresh claim, though of lesser magnitude, obtruded itself on their benevolence. "Pity the poor debtors, having no~96~~ allowance!" exclaimed an emaciated being, gazing with an eyeof wistful expectancy, through the thrice-grated window of a smallapartment on a level nearly with the street; "Pity the poor debtors;"The supplicating tone of deep distress in which these words were utteredspoke irresistibly to the heart, and the blessing of Heaven was oncemore invoked on the donors. 

"And this is the prison, " observed the Squire, "where a presumed scionof the Royal branch, a few days ago surrendered to her bail, as aprisoner for debt. "--"The same, " rejoined his Cousin, "and the Princessis now most unroyally domiciled at a private-house within the rules ofthe Fleet, on Ludgate-hill. --_Sic transit gloria mundi!_"

"Certainly, " said the Squire, "this London produces extraordinarysights, and not less extraordinary occurrences;--but of all thescenes of Real Life which has hitherto come within the scope of ourobservation, the most singular is that of the presumed legitimate cousinof the King of England, recently in a Spunging-house, and now confinedfor a debt of a few hundred pounds to the rules of the Fleet. "{1}

 1 Ci-divant Princess of Cumberland

 To the Right Hon. Lord Sidmouth. 

 My Lord, '--When I reflect on the injuries I have received by the refusal of your Lordship to forward my claims in a proper way to his Majesty, I consider it as a duty that I owe to my high descent, to enquire of your Lordship, why I have been suffered to remain so long neglected and deprived of the rights, which in common with other younger branches of the Royal Family, I am entitled to? As soon as the demise of my late Royal Uncle, his late Majesty, occurred, I addressed your Lordship, for his present Majesty's gracious knowledge. In my letters, repeatedly sent to your Lord-ship, I assured you for the King's knowledge, that I had but one anxious desire, which was to act in conformity to his Majesty's Royal will and pleasure, after an audience had been allowed to shew my papers. If, my Lord, I had been an impostor, it was the duty of Ministers to have enquired into my claims, and to have exposed them if unjust or illegal. But, no! my Lord; every application was treated with cold and apathetic contempt; and although all the writings of my parent's marriage and my birth have been verified according to law, at Judge Abbott's chambers, Sergeants' Inn, --at Master Simeon's Office, Court of Chancery, --before Sir Robert Baker and Barber Beaumont Esq. --and twelve affidavits sworn and sent in to your Lordship, yet at this late moment I find myself neglected and oppressed, and without one guinea of support from the Government or Royal Family! My dear late cousin, Prince Edward, Duke of Kent, supported and protected me several years before his lamented death. His Royal Highness saw the papers delivered to me by the Earl of Warwick of my legitimacy, and there are at least a hundred papers connected with my parent's affairs and my own; and General Wetherall, Comptroller to his late Royal Highness, looked over many such papers, at my residence in his Royal Master's life-time. The excellent heart of the late Duke of Kent was of a nature to decide, in all events of life meeting his eye, with religion and moral justice. Thus has he loved and cherished me, his cousin, and solemnly bound himself to see me righted the moment that the death of his late Majesty authorised my papers meeting the eye of the nation. 

 My Lord, --You well know why my claims are neglected--a mighty cause exists! But it is a duty that I owe to myself and the English nation to give a narrative of facts as they are, unless immediate justice is done me. I am Olive, the only child of the late Duke of Cumberland, by Olivia, his virtuous, injured wife; and very shortly the public shall know the great and forbearing conduct of Dr. Wilmot. To him at one period, the English were indebted for tranquillity; it can be proved, my Lord. And although my health is similar to the late injured Queen's (my first cousin, ) from having experienced every deprivation and persecution from interested enemies, yet I religiously trust the time is not remote, when truth will triumph over calumny and oppression. --I have the honor to be, my Lord, Your obedient servant, Olive. 

 Ludgate-hill, Nov. 6th. 1821. 

~97~~"Some Kings are not partial to female cousins; and the legitimacy(said Dashall, ) of this pretended Princess of Cumberland does not appearsufficiently tangible to admit of recognition, otherwise, without doubt, she would have been provided for!"

"Her case, however, wears not much the semblance of imposition, " saidthe Squire. "The circumstances which she so minutely states, withreference to living characters, strongly imply that her pretensions arenot ill-founded. "

They had now reached Ludgate-hill; a crowd was collected oppositethe residence of the Princess of Cumberland, when the captive heroinecondescended to shew herself at the window. --She is of matronlyappearance, and was well dressed. --The mobility received her with duerespect; the lady made her obeisance, and the assemblage retired, onterms apparently of reciprocal satisfaction. --

Strolling onwards until they gained the centre of Blackfriars Bridge, the two friends paused in admiration of the interesting scene beforethem. 

Amidst the spires and turrets of the metropolis, Saint Paul's, closeat hand, rose in the proud pre-eminence of stupendous grandeur, like amighty monarch surrounded ~98~~ by tributary kings, rendering him thehomage of vassalage. 

--Emerging from the dense mass of buildings on the line from the Towerto Westminster Abbey, appeared a continued succession of prominentpublic edifices; on the river Thames the scene was diversified bynumerous wherries, gliding pleasurably on the rippling wave; someshooting under the arches of the elegant Waterloo, and others under thespacious span of the lofty iron bridge of Southwark, --while on eitherside the river, Labour was on the alert, and the busy and ceaseless humof Industry resounded far and near. 

'Twas low water, and the _mud-larks_ now intent on their severalvocations, engaged the eye of the Squire. --"What are those peopleabout?" he asked, "What are they in search of?"

"These are _mud-larks_, " answered his friend, "in search of what chancemay throw in their way; all's fish that comes to net! You have muchto learn yet of Real Life in London, and must prolong your stayaccordingly. --Willing to eat the bread of honesty, these poor peopleare in the daily practice of frequenting the shores of the Thames, toliterally pick up a living. Nothing comes amiss; all that is portable, however insignificant in value, goes into the general repository. The mud-lark returns home, when his labours are ended, sorts theindiscriminate heterogeneous "mass of matter, " and disposes of it aswell as he can. "{1}

 1 How many hundreds and thousands, in a metropolis like that of the British empire, obtain a subsistence, in a way of which those of its inhabitants who are not compelled to such an exercise of their ingenuity can have no idea! In the midst of a crowded city, man is much more closely cut off from all assistance on the part of his fellows, and is obliged to trust entirely for the support of life to the individual exertions of his strength, his talents, or his ingenuity. Various and singular are the expedients practised by numbers in the British capital. Among these the class of Mud-larks is not the least extraordinary, that is people, who, on the ebb of the tide re-pair to the river-side, in quest of any article that the water may have left behind in the mud. To this description of people belonged Peggy Jones, the well known Mud-lark at Black Friars. She was a woman, apparently about forty years of age, with red hair; the particular object of whose researches was the coals which accidentally fell from the sides of the lighters. Her constant resort was the neighbourhood of Blackfriars, where she was always to be seen, even before the tide was down, wading into the water, nearly up to the middle, and scraping together from the bottom, the coals which she felt with her feet. Numbers of passengers who have passed by that quarter, particularly over Blackfriars Bridge, have often stopped to contemplate with astonishment, a female engaged in an occupation apparently so painful and disagreeable. She appeared dressed in very short ragged petticoats, without shoes or stockings, and with a kind of apron made of some strong substance, that folded like a bag all round her, in which she collected whatever she was so fortunate as to find. In these strange habiliments, and her legs encrusted with mud, she traversed the streets of this metropolis. Sometimes she was industrious enough to pick up three, and at others even four loads a day; and as they consisted entirely of what are termed round coals, she was never at a loss for customers, whom she charged at the rate of eight- pence a load. In the collection of her sable treasure, she was frequently assisted by the coal-heavers, who, when she happened to approach the lighters, would, as if undesignedly, kick overboard a large coal, at the same time bidding her, with apparent surliness, go about her business. Peggy Jones was not exempt from a failing to which most individuals of the lower orders are subject, namely, inebriety. Her propensity to liquor was sometimes indulged to such a degree, that she would tumble about the streets with her load, to the no small amusement of mischievous boys, and others, who, on such occasions, never failed to collect around her. After concluding the labors of the day, she retired to a wretched lodging in Chick Lane. This woman carried on her extraordinary calling for many years, but about the month of February, 1805, she suddenly disappeared from her usual places of resort, and nobody can tell what is become of her. A man who has the appearance of a coal- heaver, has since stepped into her place, and adopted the profession which she so long followed. 

~99~~ "Thus it is that the Mud-lark earns a precarious and scantysubsistence, and in many other instances in this metropolis, Ingenuityand Perseverance overcome difficulties that in the country would proveinsurmountable. "

Retracing their steps to Ludgate-hill, the associates passed into theOld Bailey, where the Squire seemed struck with surprise at the simplebill of fare of an eating-house, not inscribed on paper and exhibitedagainst the window, but deeply engraven on brass, and conspicuouslyfixed by the side of the door, expressed in four syllables only, "Theboil'd-beef house. "--"Compendious enough, " exclaimed his Cousin. "Multumin parvo, " rejoined the Squire; and immediately walking in, theywere ushered into a snug room partly occupied by guests of apparentrespectability, each actively employed in the demolition of buttock orflank with great seeming satisfaction. The two strangers intimating adesire to follow so laudable an example, the waiter submissively put thequestion, "Which would you please to have, gentlemen, buttock or flank, or a plate of both?" That the quality of each might be ascertained, plates of both were ordered, and presently brought in, piping hot, andin the first style of culinary perfection. {1}

~100~~ It was amusing to observe the characteristic features of thedifferent guests. 

The young man hurrying over his meal, and frequently casting a look onthe dial, indicated a tradesman's book-keeper, desirous of enjoying hispipe and pint ere the allotted dinner hour expired, when he must returnto his desk. 

Another, of meagre and cadaverous appearance, had his plate replenished, thrice repeated, and each time dispatched the contents with astonishingcelerity. This man without doubt, was either a poet or a bookseller'shack, who, probably had not for sometime enjoyed the novelty of adinner, and was thus making atonement to appetite accordingly. 

One gentleman fashionably attired kept mincing his meat, and at longintervals supplying masticates that seemed not at all alert in theperformance of their office. --His attention was given rather to thecompany than to his plate, and was particularly directed to Dashalland Tallyho, on whom it alternately settled with fixed and favouriteregard. --This very polite personage was assiduously eager by everypossible courtesy to ingratiate himself into the notice of our twofriends; but Dashall was a knowing fish, so the bait wouldn't take;and the Squire happening to ejaculate the word Spunger, the strangerprudently took the hint, and withdrew. {2}

 1 Thirty years ago this house was noted for the excellent quality of its boiled beef;--no other meat is ever drest here, --Hobson's choice, or none! During that period it has had several occupants, and each has retired with a very considerable fortune. In the decided superiority of its buttock and flank, the house still sustains its pristine reputation. 

 2 These gentry are hardly to be distinguished from the Hanger-on, except by being, if possible, more impudent; they frequent all places of public resort, in order to pick up a dinner or a bottle, and otherwise prey upon the credulity of the unwary. Whenever they meet with a countryman, they salute him with enquiring the time of day, or describing the weather, and entertaining him with a story of little consequence, till they have artfully wheedled you into an invitation to dine or sup with you. They can tell you where the best entertainment is to be met with; which is the best comedian; can get you introduced to see such an actress; to hear this sing or that spout; will provide you with the best seat at the play-house, or keep a place for you in the front row of the first gallery, should you prefer it to the pit; can procure a ticket for the exhibition rooms for half price, and explain every thing in the museum as well as the librarians themselves. --If your inclination is for mischief, he is the only man in the world to assist you; would you break the lamps, or Mill the Charleys, he will stand by and cry Bravo! till you are carried to the Watch-house, but will not engage in the quarrel himself, acting only as a _corps de reserve_. When you are taken, he will negotiate with the constable of the night about your ransom, for which you must pay smartly, other-wise be detained till Justice opens her doors to descry and punish your enormities, according to the nature of the crime committed; upon which the Spunger says, that he foresaw and told you the consequences that would happen if you persevered, but that you would not listen to his advice. 

~101~~ Having done satisfactory justice to the buttock and flank, andfurther refreshed themselves with a draught of Whitbread's Entire;our pedestrians, leaving the "Boil'd Beef House, " recommenced theirexcursion by proceeding up the Old Bailey, when Dashall remarking on thenumber of Eating Houses with which that street abounds, observed, thatit seemed a favorite seat of consolidation for the professors of theculinary art, like Cloth-fair for Woollen-drapers, Paternoster-Row forBooksellers, and Clerkenwell for Watch-makers, &c. "This, " said Dashall, "is His Majesty's Gaol of Newgate, and from this door ascend thenumerous victims to the fatal scaffold, in immolation to the offendedlaws of their country. Let us enter this temporary abode of crimeand wretchedness. It has been much meliorated by the humane andindefatigable attentions of an excellent lady, Mrs. Elizabeth Fry, andI am desirous of seeing the result of her philanthropic exertions. " Thegentlemanly appearance and demeanour of the two strangers facilitatedtheir admission, and they entered the prison preceded by one of theturnkeys, who courteously had proffered his services in shewing theplace, and giving every required information. 

Newgate, on the eastern side of the Old Bailey, has been rebuilt, itswalls or shell excepted, since it was destroyed by the rioters, in theyear 1780. A broad yard divides Newgate from the Sessions House, a veryhandsome stone and brick building. Another edifice, where that latelystood, commonly called Surgeon's Hall, has been erected; it is archedunderneath, and supported upon pillars, and is used as a place ofaccommodation for witnesses and other persons, while waiting for thetrials during session time. 

~102~~ This prison, until within these few years back, was a place ofconfinement as well for debtors as felons, but by late arrangements, and the erection of the new gaol in Whitecross-street, Newgate has nowbecome the receptacle of felons only. {1}

 1 Newgate has been the scene of two remarkable events, which frequently serve as eras of reckoning to some of the inhabitants of Loudon; the first is, that of the memorable riots in 1780, when this imposing edifice was attacked by a furious mob in the evening of Monday the 5th of June, who by breaking the windows, batter-ing the entrances of the cells with sledge hammers and pickaxes, and climbing the walls with ladders, found means to enter Mr. Akerman's house, communicating with the prison, and eventually liberated three hundred prisoners. The next of these events oc-curred on the 23rd of February, 1807. This was when Haggarty and Holloway were to suffer for the murder of Mr. Steele on Houns-low Heath. The populace began to assemble so early as five o'clock, and to accumulate until eight. (It is supposed that the concourse of people was greater than at the execution of Governor Wall. ) At eight o'clock the prisoners ascended the scaffold. Im-mediately after they were launched off, a most dreadful scene took place. The approaches to the place were completely blocked up with carts, filled with spectators, and when some of the crowd began to move away, the pressure became dreadful. Some fell, and others falling over them they were trampled to death. Terror took possession of the crowd, they became desperate, and their efforts only contributed to increase their danger. As soon as this frightful confusion ceased, forty-two sufferers in the scene were carried to St. Bartholomew's Hospital. Of these, twenty-seven were dead; and though every effort was made for their resuscitation, in not one instance was it crowned with success. Of forty-two, the whole number, five were women, and three of them were among the dead. Of the remaining twenty-four bodies, five were men, and the rest lads, from twelve to seventeen years of age. Among the dead men was a pye-man, who was said to have fallen first, and caused the dreadful catastrophe. A great number of the pupils in attendance happened to be collected in St. Bartholomew's Hospital at the time, and afforded prompt assistance; and Dr. Powell, and a Surgeon, who were both upon the spot, directed their humane exertions. 

In the Old Bailey stood Sydney-house, known by the white front, and therecess in which it is concealed; and here Jonathan Wild is said to havelived the greatest part of his time. The north side of Newgate consistsof two court-yards, which are far too circumscribed for the numerousinhabitants, this prison always exhibiting a multitudinous calendar ofhuman depravity. The men's court is only 49 feet 6 inches, by 31 feet 6, and the women's of the same length, and about half the width. The wholesquare is entirely surrounded by the wards, ~103~~ which rise threestories above the pavement. The women's yard is separated from themen's by a wall. In the south and south-east yards, felons for trial areconfined, and four other yards are similarly occupied. The yard assignedto female felons is a wretched place, containing three wards, in whichare sometimes kept upwards of one hundred women. In the north-eastcorner, next Newgate-street, is the condemned yard, in which arekept persons under sentence of death. The yards and all the wards arerepeatedly lime-washed, and by these and other excellent regulationsof the Sheriffs of London, Newgate is changed from a loathsome prison, dangerous to the health of the metropolis, to a state which maybe quoted as a model for all similar places. Water is plentiful, ventilators are introduced into every window, and a general system ofcleanliness prevails throughout the whole prison. The morals of itsinmates have been improved, and their condition greatly melioratedby Mrs. Elizabeth Fry, who like her predecessor in the exercise ofphilanthropy, the celebrated Howard, delights in reducing the sumof human misery. The feelings of the two visitors having beenamply gratified by demonstration of the happy result, from superiormanagement, accruing to the prisoners, they departed, not forgettingthe poor box, put up for general benefit, inviting the contributions ofcharitable strangers. 

Continuing their route, our perambulators proceeded down Skinner streetinto Holborn, and traversed its extended line without any remarkableoccurrence, until they reached Broad Street, St. Giles's. "We are now, "said Dashall, "in the Holy Land. "

"Long life to your honors, " exclaimed a ragged professor of mendicity:"give a poor fellow the price of a _shake down_, and may you never bewithout the comforts of an _upright_!"

"What mean you, " asked the Squire, "by a shake down and an upright?"

"Not the worse luck that you don't know that self same thing now; butsure enough a shake-down is a two-penny layer of straw, and saving thetatters on my back, not a covering at all at all; may the son of myfather never have a worse birth any how. "

"And an upright?"

~104~~ "Is it an upright your honor's spaking about?--fait and troth, asto that same, may the devil fly away with Thady O'Flannagan, and that ismyself sure, if he knows much about it at all at all, seeing as how hehas not rested his old bones on such a thing, arrah, these many longyears; but sure enough it is four stumps, with boards across, a goodflock-bed, a blanket below and a sheet above, with a decent coverletpieced and patched in a hundred places to boot;--may you never want thelike of it, any how!"

"Thanks for your good wishes, my friend, " said Dashall; "and this forthe information which you have given us. "

"By the powers of good luck!" exclaimed the itinerant philosopher, "atirteener!--Now an Irishman's blessing upon you for two good-heartedgentlemen; may you live all the days of your lives in peace andprosperity both here and hereafter!"{1}

 1 The many impoverished and deserted beings who daily wander the streets, trusting for the vegetative existence of the moment to eleemosynary occurrences, are incalculable. Amongst these sons and daughters of misery, happy is the one who, after partially satisfying the cravings of hunger, possesses two-pence, the price of a shake down for the night, in Rainbridge or Buckeridge-street, St. Giles's!--The upright is a wretched semblance of a bed, at the rate of three-pence or four-pence; but the lofty aspirant to genteel accommodation, must put down a tester. In this way there are frequently beds to the number of seventy in one house, made up for nocturnal visitants!

Palestine in London, or the Holy Land, includes that portion of theparish of St. Giles, Bloomsbury, inhabited by the lower Irish, with whomit seems a favorite place of residence. The Squire having expressed tohis friend a desire of perambulating these boundaries, they proceeded, by the way of George street, to explore the sanctified labyrinths, thescenes of diurnal clamour, and hebdomadary conflict. 

"Arrah now, " exclaimed a voice of maternity, in the person of alegitimate daughter of Erin, --"Arrah now, you brat of the devil's ownbegetting, be after bowling along to your fader: bad luck to him, and besure that you bring him home wid you, by the token that the murphies arecracking, the salt-herrings scalding, and the apple-dumplings tumblingabout the pot, --d'ye mind me, you tief of the world, tell him that hisdinner waits upon him. "--"I'll be after doing that same, moder;"and forth from the ground floor of a mean looking house inBuckeridge-street, sprang an urchin without hat, shoe or stocking, andthe scanty tattered habiliment he wore, fluttering in ~105~~varioushues, like pennants in the wind, with such heedless velocity, urged nodoubt by the anticipated delicacies of the dinner-pot, that he came infurious, unexpected, and irresistible contact with Squire Tallyho, whoborne forward by the shock, was precipitated into a stagnant collectionof mud and water, to the total disfigurement of his Boots, which hadthat morning received the "matchlessly brilliant polish of Warren'sinestimable Jet blacking. " Not like many others in London, who willrun you down and leave you to your fate, the heir of his fader'swhimsicalities stopped short in the inauspicious set-out of his rapidcareer; and "dirty end, " he exclaimed, "to the scavenger that didn'tthink of the gentleman's boots!" And at the same time the mother of thishopeful representative of the Mac Dermott family, made her appearancewith the genuine warmth of Irish hospitality; and inviting the twostrangers to walk in, consoled the bespattered Squire with the prospectof speedy and effectual reparation, for "fait and troth, (said she) hisdinner is all of a heap in the pot there, praaties, salt-herrings, andapple-dumplings, {1} and that is my husband Thady Mac Dermott, who isneither more nor less than a bricklayer's laborer, is after amusinghimself and obliging his neighbours, at a small outlay, of a Sundaymorning, by claning their boots and shoes; so it is an ill wind thatblows nobody good, they say. " The accommodating hostess then producinga bottle of blacking, with the requisite brushing implements, appliedherself assiduously to the operation of claning the Squire's boots, and restored them, in a few minutes, to the splendour of their pristinebrilliancy. 

Scarcely had this important operation been performed, when entered ThadyMac Dermott and his son, the origin of the accident. "The devil burnyour trampers, you imp of the Mac Dermotts, " cried the father: "couldn'tyou run against the gentleman without dirtying his boots? Never mind itat all at all; I'll be after giving you a walloping for it, any how. "

 1 The fastidious delicacy of English cookery, when contrasted with that of Irish culinary preparation in the Holy-land, is surprising. The wife of an Irish laborer who is desirous of giving her husband a delectable meal, and of various description, bodders not her brain with a diversity of utensils; but from the same pot or pan will produce, as if by enchantment, potatoes, (without which an Irishman cannot possibly make a dinner, ) salt-herrings, and apple- dumplings; nor, does this extraordinary union of opposites affect the appetite of those partaking the oglio. 

~106~~ The first instrument of attack that comes to hand is anIrishman's weapon. --Thady brandished in _terrorem_ a red hot poker, andhis son with the agility of a cat took sanctuary under the bed, but atthe intercession of the Squire was allowed to emerge with impunity, andadmitted to a participation of the salt-herrings and apple-dumplings. The two friends declining an invitation to taste of these dainties, now departed, Tallyho not forgetting the "outlay, and the ill-wind thatblows nobody good. "

Winding the mazes of the holy land, which may not unaptly be considereda colony of Irish emigrants, our perambulators without furtheroccurrence worthy of notice, threaded their way through streets, lanes, and alleys, until they emerged at the bottom of Tottenham-court Road, close by the extensive brewery of Read and Co. Entering the premises, they were gratified with a view of every thing interesting in theestablishment; and the Squire, to whom the spectacle was entirely new, stood wrapt in wonder at the vast magnitude of its immense vatsand boilers, containing, as he observed, of the fluid of Sir JohnBarleycorn, a sufficiency to inundate the whole neighbourhood! "Such acircumstance, " said the attendant, "actually occurred a few yearsago, when the vat burst, and an ocean of beer rushed forth, with suchimpetuous force as to bear down, in its resistless progress, the side ofa house, and fill, to the imminent hazard of drowning the astonished andalarmed occupants, all the cellars in the vicinity. "{1}

 1 Scarcely any thing contributes so much to characterize the enterprising spirit of the present age, as the vast scale on which many branches of manufacture are carried on in this country. Every one has heard of the celebrated tun of Heidelberg, but that monument of idle vanity is rivalled by the vessels now employed in the breweries of this metropolis. 

Having seen all that is remarkable in this spacious concern, the twoassociates turned into Oxford Street, where their attention was directedto a gay female in an elegant equipage, pair in hand, dashing along, inthe manner of royal celerity. 

"Observe that lady, " said Dashall, "She is the celebrated Mrs. C*r*y, the favourite sultana of a certain Commander in Chief, and I shall giveyou her history in a few words. "

~107~~ "Sutherland, a bombadier at Woolwich, obtained a commission, butwas less successful in securing the fidelity of his wife, who elopedwith an officer to Gibraltar; the produce of this intercourse was theamoroso whom we observed _en passant_; in process of time she marriedC*r*y, an officer in a veteran battalion, but shortly afterwards gettingtired of the connection, she adopted the laudable example set by herrespectable mamma, deserted her husband and came to England, under theprotection of a surgeon in the army, whose embraces she relinquished forthose of her present illustrious possessor. How long she may keep him incaptivation, is a surmise of rather equivocal import; however ardentat present, his attachment, Mrs. C*r*y must be aware of the versatilepropensities of his R*y*l H*ghn*ss of Y**k, and sans doubt like herpredecessor, Mary Ann C***ke, will make the most of a favourableopportunity. "

"London exhibits Real Life in all its forms and gradations, from thehireling of royalty in a curricle, to the passive spouse of all thetown, on the pavement; from the splendour of affluence to the miseriesof penury; even Mendicity itself has its shades of variety, its successbeing less frequently derived from the acuteness of distress than thecaprice of Nature, in having gifted the mendicant with some peculiareccentricity of person or character, to attract attention and sympathy. He who is without these endowments passes unnoticed; but the diminutiveand deformed creature, seated on a child's cart, who with the helpof crutches shoves himself along the street, and whose whole height, including his machine, does not exceed two feet; this minikin, _eccehomo_, is gazed at by the casual passenger as a prodigy, and seldomfails to benefit by the excitation of curiosity. "--

Approaching the tiny personage alluded to, --"Well, Mr. Andrew Whiston, "said Dashall, "what important business brings you so far westward? Ithought that your migrations from Bankside had never extended beyond theprecincts of Temple-bar. "

"I wot weel, your honor, that I have strayed far frae hame, and tolittle purpose, --better fortune has not lit on me this wearisome day, than meeting wi' your honor, for God bless you many a time has the poordwarfish body tasted your bounty. "

During this colloquy, Tallyho gazed on the poor dwarfish body withcommiseration, intermixed with no small portion of surprise, at thisfresh display of general knowledge by his intelligent and amusing coz, to whom all of interest and curiosity in the metropolis, animate andinanimate, seemed perfectly familiar. 

~108~~ "And whither away now, Master Whiston; do you mean to look in atthe rendezvous to night?"{1}

"Faith no, sir, --I got a fright there some few years since, and I shallbe very cautious of getting into the like disaster a second time. "

The conversation had so far proceeded, to the entertainment ofcongregated passengers, when the auditory getting rather inconvenientlynumerous, the two friends left each his mite of benevolence withMaister Andrew Whiston, gaining home without further incident orinterruption. {2}

 1 Recurring to the holy land, the rendezvous is a noted house in St. Giles's, where, after the labors of the day, the mendicant fraternity assemble, enjoy the comfort of a good supper; amongst other items, not unfrequently an alderman in chains, alias a roast turkey, garnished with pork-sausages; elect their chairman, and spend the night as jolly beggars ought to do, in mirth and revelry. 

 2 Andrew Whiston was born at Dundee in Scotland, February 10th, 1770, and has, during the last twenty-eight years, resided in London. The person of this man is well known to the perambulators of the metropolis. He forms altogether a disgusting little figure, pushing himself about on a small cart, which moves upon wheels, and wearing an apron to conceal the deformity of his legs. His whole height, including his vehicle, does not exceed two feet. To avoid the penalties attached to begging and vagrancy, he carries a few pens stuck between his coat and waistcoat, and declares that the dealing in those articles is the only trade to which he has been brought up. It is not improbable, that by means of this, and other arts and mysteries which he exercises, Andrew has been enabled to procure something more than salt to his porridge. It cannot be supposed that his person is calculated to excite the tender passion; it must therefore be to the idea of his having accumulated wealth, that we are to attribute the following circumstance. A short time since, Andrew began to think seriously of taking unto himself a wife, and having looked round among his female acquaint-ance for a desirable partner, he fixed his choice on a Mrs. Marshall, the widow of a waterman, who follows the trade of a retail dealer in fish, at the corner of Spiller's public-house, on that side of the Surrey Road which he usually frequents. This fair lady, who might perhaps have been dead as a roach to his addresses, if he had possessed nothing but his deformed person to offer, proved leaping alive, ho! at the thought of Andrew's little hoard, of which she hoped to become mistress. Several presents attested the seriousness of the lover's proposals, and his charmer was all compliance to his wishes, till he had actually sent the money to pay for publishing the banns at Christ Church, when the ridicule of all her acquaintance urged her to abandon the design of so preposterous a match. 

CHAPTER VII

 Gae him strong drink until he wink, That's sinking in despair; And liquor gúid to fire his blúid, That's prest wi' grief and care;-- Then let him boose and deep carouse, Wi' bumpers flowing o'er; 'Till he forgets his fears and debts, And minds his ills no more. 

~109~~ DASHALL, during a stroll with his relation round theneighbourhood of Covent Garden, learning that several of his friends hadformed a select party to dine at the Shakespear that day, sent in thenames of himself and Coz, and they were received by the social andconvivial assemblage with acclamation. 

The Dinner-party comprised Sir Felix O'Grady, an Irish baronet justimported from the province of Munster; the honorable FrederickFitzroy, a luminary in the constellation of Fashion; Colonel Mc. Can, a distinguished Scotch Officer; an amateur Poet; a member of theCorps Dramatique; and our old friends Sparkle and Mortimer, with theaugmentation of Dashall and Tallyho, as already mentioned. 

The viands were excellent, and the wines of the first quality. Conviviality was the order of the evening, and its whimsicalities werecommenced during the repast, by the player, who, taking up a gobletof wine, and assuming the attitude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, exclaimed--

 "I drink To the general joy of the whole table;-- May good digestion wait on appetite, And health on both. "----

~110~~The bottle was now put into quick circulation; harmony andhilarity prevailed; and the poet, availing himself of the moments ofinspiration, gave the following chant, _extempore_. --

 Song. 

 Air. Here's to the maiden of bashful fifteen. 

 Here's to the land where fair Freedom is seen, Old England, --her glory and trade, aye;-- Here's to the island of Erin so green, And here's to Sir Felix O'Grady; Let the toast pass, Flinch not the glass That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. 

 Here's to the beaus and the belles of the day, The pleasures of life who enjoy, sir;-- Here's to the leaders of fashion, so gay, And here's to the dashing Fitzroy, sir. Let the toast pass, Flinch not the glass That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. 

 Here's to our sailors who plough the salt wave, And never from battle have ran, sir;-- Here's to our soldiers who nobly behave, And here's to brave Colonel Mc. Can, sir. Let the toast pass, Flinch not the glass That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. 

 Here's to the joys that our reason engage, Where Truth shines our best benefactress; Here's to the triumph of Learning, --the Stage, - And here's to each actor and actress. Let the toast pass, Flinch not the glass That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. 

 Here's to the man with a head to discern, And eke with a heart to bestow, sir, Tom Dashall, well skill'd Life in London to learn; And here's to the Squire Tallyho, sir. Let the toast pass, Flinch not the glass That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. 

 Here's to the friendship united and true, That paces variety's round, sir; To Sparkle and Mortimer fill then, anew, And let us with pleasure abound, sir. Let the toast pass, Flinch not the glass That warms like the kiss of your favorite lass. 

This complimentary bag-a-telle was well received, and Sir Felix, shaking the amateur cordially by the hand, observed, that amongst otherattainments before he left London, he meant to acquire the art of makingverses, when he should give the poet a Rowland for his Oliver!

The player having but recently returned to Town, after completing hisengagements with some of the Irish provincial theatres, proceeded toamuse his auditory, the baronet excepted, with accounts of the manner ofposting in the sister kingdom. --

"Travelling, " said he, "in the province of Munster, having got into achaise, I was surprised to hear the driver knocking at each side of thecarriage. --"What are you doing?"--"A'n't I nailing your honor?"--"Why doyou nail me up? I don't wish to be nailed up. "--"Augh! would your honorhave the doors fly off the hinges?" When we came to the end of thestage, I begged the man to unfasten the doors. --"Ogh! what would I betaking out the nails for, to be racking the doors?"--"How shall I getout then?"--"Can't your honor get out of the window like any otherjontleman?" I then began the operation; but having forced my headand shoulders out, could get no farther, and called again to thepostillion. --"Augh! did any one ever see any one get out of a chay headforemost? Can't your honor put out your feet first, like a Christian?"

Here the baronet manifested considerable impatience, and was aboutto interrupt the narrator, when the latter requesting permission, continued:

"Next day four horses were attached to the crazy vehicle;--one, unfortunately, lost a shoe; and as I refused to go on until thepoor animal was shod, my two postillions commenced, in my hearing, acolloquy. --"Paddy, where will I get a shoe, and no smith nighhand?"--"Why don't you see yon jontleman's horse in the field; can't yougo and unshoe him?"--"True for ye, " said Jem, "but that horse's shoewill never fit him. " "Augh! you can but try it, " said Paddy. So thegentleman's horse was actually unshod, and his shoe put upon the postinghack; and fit or not fit, Paddy went off with it. 

~112~~ "Same day, during a violent storm of wind and rain, 1 found thattwo of the windows were broken, and two could not, by force or art ofman, be pulled up. I ventured to complain to Paddy of the inconvenienceI suffered from the storm pelting in my face. His consolation was, "Augh! God bless your honour, and can't you get out and set behind thecarriage, and you'll not get a drop at all, I'll engage!"

The player having thus closed his narrative, and the laughter of thecompany having subsided, the baronet very candidly admitted, that thesister kingdom in many parts, was miserably deficient in the requisitesof travelling, and other conveniences to which the English wereaccustomed. But in process of time (he continued) we shall get morecivilized. Nevertheless, we have still an advantage over you; we havemore hospitality, and more honesty. Nay, by the powers! but it is so, mygood friends. However much we unhappily may quarrel with each other, werespect the stranger who comes to sojourn amongst us; and long would hereside, even in the province of Munster, before a dirty spalpeen wouldrob him of his great coat and umbrella, and be after doing that samething when he was at a friend's house too, from which they were taken, along with nearly all the great coats, cloaks, shawls, pelisses, hatsand umbrellas, belonging to the company. "{1}

 1 We are inclined to believe that Sir Felix alludes to the fol-lowing instance of daring depredation. 

Extraordinary Robbery. On Thursday night, whilst a large party of youngfolks were assembled at the house of Mr. Gregory, in Hertford Street, Fitzroy Square, to supper, a young man was let in by a servant, who saidhe had brought a cloak for his young mistress, as the night was cold. The servant left him in the hall, and went up stairs; when shortlyafter, a second arrived with a hackney coach, and on his beingquestioned by the servant, he said he brought the coach to take hismaster and mistress home. The servant was not acquainted with the namesof half the company, and therefore credited what was told her. The twostrangers were suffered to stand at the stairs head, to listen to themusic and singing, with which they appeared highly delighted, andalso had their supper and plenty to drink. But while festive hilarityprevailed above, the villains began to exercise their calling below, andthe supper table in a trice they unloaded of four silver table spoons, a silver sauce-boat, knives and forks, &c. And from off the pegs andbanisters they stole eight top-coats, several cloaks, shawls, pelissesand hats, besides a number of umbrellas, muffs, tippets, and otherarticles, all of which they carried off in the coach which was inwaiting. To complete the farce, the watchman shut the coach door, andwished "their honours" good night. The robbery was not discovered untilthe company was breaking up. No trace of the thieves can be found. 

~113~~ There was certainly somewhat of an _Irishism_ in the baronet'sremark. --Of eight great coats stolen, the thieves could not discriminatewho were the respective owners, and if it had been possible that theycould have discriminated, it is not likely that any regard for the lawsof hospitality would have induced them to make an exception of Sir FelixO'Grady's property amidst the general depredation. 

The company, although secretly amused by the baronet's remarks, condoledwith him on the loss he had sustained; and the player protesting thatin stating the facts of Irish posting, he had no intention of giving thebaronet the least offence, unanimity was restored, and the convivialityof the evening proceeded without further interruption. 

Sir Felix made Irish bulls, and gave Irish anecdotes; the amateuroccasionally gave a song or a stanza impromptu; the player spouted, recited, and took off several of his brother performers, by exhibitingtheir defects in close imitations, --

 "Till tired at last wi' mony a farce, " They sat them down--

and united with the remaining company in an attentive hearing to aconversation which the honorable Frederick Fitzroy had just commencedwith his friend Dashall. --

"You have now, " said the honourable Frederick Fitzroy, addressinghimself to Dashall, "You have now become a retired, steady, contemplative young man; a peripatetic philosopher; tired with thescenes of ton, and deriving pleasure only from the investigation ofReal Life in London, accompanied in your wanderings, by your respectablerelative of Belville-Hall; and yet while you were one of us, you shonelike a star of the first magnitude, and participated in all the folliesof fashion with a zest of enjoyment that forbid the presage of satietyor decline. "

"Neither, " answered Dashall, "have I now altogether relinquished thosepleasures, but by frequent repetition they become irksome; the mind isthus relieved by opposite pursuits, and the line of observation whichI have latterly chosen has certainly afforded me much substantialinformation and rational amusement. "

~114~~ "Some such pursuit I too must think of adopting, " repliedFitzroy, "else I shall sink into the gulph of ennuit to the vergeof which I am fast approaching. Independent of the frequent ruinousconsequences of the gaming-table, I have taken a dislike to itsassociates, and therefore abandoned their society; nor will you besurprised at my having adopted this resolution, when I inform you, thatat my last sitting in one of these nefarious haunts of dissipation, Iwas minus to the extent, in a few hours, of several thousand pounds, the prize of unprincipled adventurers, of swindlers, black-legs, andpigeon-fanciers!"{1}

 1 A pigeon-fancier is one of those speculators at the Gambling Houses, whose object it is to lie in wait for inexperienced noviciates, and under the pretext of fair and honorable dealing pluck their feathers; that is to say, strip them bare of their property. Days and nights are passed at the gaming-table. "I remember, " said the Earl of G----, "spending three days and three nights in the hazard room of a well-known house in St James's Street; the shutters were closed, the curtains down, and we had candles the whole time; even in the adjoining rooms we had candles, that when our doors were opened to bring in refreshments, no obtrusive gleam of day-light might remind us how the hours had passed. How human nature supported the fatigue, I know not. We scarcely allowed ourselves a moment's pause to take the sustenance our bodies required. At last one of the waiters, who had been in the room with us the whole time, declared that he could hold out no longer, and that sleep he must. With difficulty he obtained an hour's truce; the moment he got out of the room he fell asleep, absolutely at the very threshold of our door. By the rules of the house he was entitled to a bonus on every transfer of property at the hazard-table; and he made in the course of three days, up- wards of Three hundred pounds! Sleep and avarice had struggled to the utmost, but, with his vulgar habit, sleep prevailed. We were wide awake. I never shall forget the figure of one of my noble associates, who sat holding his watch, his eager eyes fixed upon the minute-hand, whilst he exclaimed continually, "This hour will never be over!" Then he listened to discover whether his watch had stopped, then cursed the lazy fellow for falling asleep, protesting, that for his part, he never would again consent to such a waste of time. The very instant the hour was ended, he ordered "that dog" to be awakened, and to work we went. At this sitting Thirty-five Thousand Pounds were lost and won. I was very fortunate, for I lost a mere trifle--Ten Thousand Pounds only!"

Dashall congratulated Fitzroy on his resolution, in having cut thedangerous connexion, and expressed a hope that in due process of time hewould emancipate himself from the trammels of dissipation generally. 

~115~~ "That, " rejoined Fitzroy, "is already in a considerable degreeeffected. "

"In the higher and middle classes of society, " says a celebrated writer, "it is a melancholy and distressing sight to observe, not unfrequently, a man of a noble and ingenuous disposition, once feelingly alive to asense of honor and integrity, gradually sinking under the pressure ofhis circumstances, making his excuses at first with a blush of consciousshame, afraid to see the faces of his friends from whom he may haveborrowed money, reduced to the meanest tricks and subterfuges to delayor avoid the payment of his just debts, till ultimately grown familiarwith falsehood, and at enmity with the world, he loses all the grace anddignity of man. "--

"Such, " continued Fitzroy, "was the acmé of degradation to which I wasrapidly advancing, when an incident occurred to arrest the progress ofdissipation, and give a stimulus to more worthy pursuits. 

"One morning having visited a certain nunnery in the precincts ofPall-Mail, the Lady Abbess introduced me to a young noviciate, abeautiful girl of sixteen. 

"When we were left alone, she dropped on her knees, and in attitudeand voice of the most urgent supplication, implored me to save her frominfamy!"

"I am in your power, " she exclaimed, "but I feel confident that youwill not use it to my dishonor. --I am yet innocent;--restore me to myparents, --pure and unsullied, --and the benediction of Heaven will rewardyou!"--

She then told me a most lamentable tale of distress;--that her fatherwas in prison for a small debt; and that her mother, her brothers andsisters, were starving at home. --Under these disastrous circumstancesshe had sought service, and was inveighd into that of mother W. Fromwhence she had no hope of extrication, unless through my generousassistance! She concluded her pathetic appeal, by observing, that if thehonorable Frederick Fitzroy had listened to the call of humanity, andpaid a debt of long standing, her father would not now be breakinghis heart in prison, her family famishing, nor herself subject todestruction. 

"And I am the Author of all!" I exclaimed, "I am the dis-honorableFrederick Fitzroy, who in the vortex of dissipation, forgot the exerciseof common justice, and involved a worthy man and his suffering family inmisery! But I thank heaven, the injury is not irreparable!"

~116~ "I immediately explained to Mother W. The peculiarlydistressing situation of this poor girl, rescued her from meditatedperdition, --restored the husband to his family, with improvedcircumstances, --and by a continuance of my support, I trust, in somedegree to atone for past transgression. "

This narrative excited much interest, and the approval, by the company, of Fitzroy's munificence was expressive and unanimous. 

The conviviality of the evening was renewed, and sustained until anearly hour, when the party broke up; having enjoyed "the feast ofreason, and the flow of soul, " with temperate hilarity. 

Dashall, his Cousin, and Fitzroy, proceeding under the piazzas ofCovent Garden, the latter suggested an hour's amusement in the Cellarsunderneath the Hotel, a proposition which was immediately acceded to byhis companions, and the trio descended into the lower regions. 

The descent however bore not any resemblance to that of Telemachus intoHell. A brilliant light irradiated their passage, and the grim shadowsof the infernal abode were, if present, without the ken of ocularobservation. In place of the palace of Pandemonium, our triumviratebeheld the temple of Bacchus, where were assembled a number of Votaries, sacrificing to the jolly Deity of the Ancients, in frequent and powerfullibations. 

By some unaccountable means the daemon of discord, however, gainedadmission and ascendancy. 

A scene now took place which baffles every attempt at description. --Therow became general; decanters, glasses, and other fragile missiles, were resorted to, --their fragments strewed the floor, --and the terrifiedattendants hastened to require the interposition of the guardians of thenight, in restoring order and tranquillity. 

Amidst the ravage and dissonance of war, our trio preserved a strictneutrality, and before the arrival of the mediating powers, had regainedtheir position in the piazzas, where they waited the result of theconflict. 

Negotiations of peace having been unavailingly attempted, the refractorycombatants were taken into custody, after an obstinate resistance, andconducted to "duress vile, " in the Watch-house. 

~117~~ The tragi-comedy was dacently wound up by one of the performers, a native of the Emerald Isle, who thinking it necessary that theneighbourhood should have an intimation of the proceedings, announcedthe hour of "past three, " with the accompaniment of "a bloodyMORNING!"{1}

The neutrals now proceeded to their respective homes, and our twoassociates reached their domicile, without the occurrence of furtherincident. 

Next morning the indicative double rit-tat of the postman induced theSquire from the breakfast-parlor to the hall. The servant had openedthe door, and received the letters; when an itinerant dealer in genuinearticles obtruded himself on the threshold, and doffing his castor afterthe manner of a knowing one, enquired whether his honor was pleased tobe spoke with. Tallyho desired him to step in, and required to knowhis business. The fellow with a significant wink, and many prelusiveapologies for the liberty he was about to take, stated that he hadaccidentally come into possession of some contraband goods, chieflyHollands, Geneva, and India silk handkerchiefs, of prime andindisputable excellence; which he could part with at unparalleled lowprices;--that he had already, in this private way, disposed of thegreatest portion, and that if his honor was inclined to becomea purchaser, he now had the opportunity of blending economy withsuperlative excellence, in an almost incredible degree, and unequalledin any part of the three kingdoms. 

This flourish the Squire answered with becoming indignity; expressed hissurprise at the consummate assurance of any trickster who would dareto offer him a contraband article, to the prejudice of His Majesty'srevenue; and ordered the servant to turn the "scoundrel" out ofdoors. {2}

 1 The above mentioned fracas took place a few weeks ago. -- The offenders "against the peace of our Sovereign Lord the King, " were next day held before one of the Police Magistrates, when it appearing that the row occurred under the influence of ebriety, and that the landlord and the watchmen were the only sufferers, a com-promise was permitted, and the parties were discharged with a suitable admonition. 

 2 "Contraband articles. " The Squire apparently was not aware that the superlatively excellent Hollands, Geneva, and India-hand-kerchiefs were, the one the manufacture of Spital-fields, and the other the sophisticated balderdash known by the name of Maidstone gin. It is a fact, altho' not generally known, that at the different watering places every season, the venders of silk handkerchiefs manufactured in Spital-flelds, carry on a lucrative trade, by disposing of them under the affectation of secrecy, as the genuine produce of the Indian loom; and thus accommodating themselves to the prejudice of their customers against our native productions; get off in threefold proportion, the number sold in London, and at a cent per cent greater advantage!

 With respect to alleged contraband SPIRITS, the deceit is more successfully manoeuvred in Town than in the country. -- The facility of smuggling on the coast frequently supplies the maritime visitant with a cheap and genuine beverage. In Town the same opportunity does not occur, and on the uninitiated in the cheats of London, the system of this species of imposition is more frequently practised. Professing to exhibit Real Life in London, we shall not trouble our readers with an apology for the introduction of the following appropriate incident--

 Court ok Requests. --Holborn. --A case of rather a curious nature, and which was characterised rather by the absurd credulity of the parties than by its novelty, came before the Commissioners on Thursday last. A man of the name of O'Regan attended the Court, to show cause against a summons which had been issued, calling upon him to pay a debt of eighteen shillings, which was alleged to be due by him to a person who stated his name to be Higgins. The parties were both Irishmen, and exhibited a good deal of irritation as well as confusion, in their stories. With some difficulty the following facts were collected from their respective statements;--On Tuesday week, about nine o'clock in the evening, a man dressed in the costume of a sailor, and wearing a large rough coat, similar to that commonly worn by sea-faring men, in bad weather, entered the shop of O'Regan, who is a dealer in salt fish, and other haberdashery, " as he called it, in St. Giles's; and beckoning to the back part of the room, and at the same time looking very significantly, said, "May be you would not like a drop of the "real thing, " to keep a merry Christmas with?" "What do you mane?" says O'Regan. "Whiskey, to be sure, " says the man. "Faith, and it's I that would, "replied O'Regan, "provided it was good and chape. " "Och, by the piper of Kilrush, " says the man, "there has not been a noter, claner, more completer drop of _Putshean_ (whiskey illicitly distilled, ) smuggled across the _Herring-brook_ (the Irish Channel, ) for many a long day, and as for chapeness, you shall have it for an ould song. " "You don't mane to say it's after being smuggled!" says O'Regan. "Be my soul, but I do, " rejoined the man, "it's I and Jack Corcoran, a friend of mine, brought it safe and sound into the Thames last Sunday, in the shape of a cargo of butter-firkins, from Cork. " "Could a body taste it?"pursued O'Regan. With a couple of "why nots, " says the man, "I've a blather full of it under my oxther (his arm- pit, ) if you'll lind us hould of a glass. " O'Regan said he hadn't a glass handy, but he brought a cup, and the bladder being produced, a fair taste was poured forth, which O'Regan, having tippled it off, after collecting his breath, swore was "the darling of a drop, it was the next kin to aquafortis. "--"Aqua fifties you mane" says the man, "aquafortis is a fool to it. " The next question was, as to the price?"Och, by the powers, " says the honest smuggler, "as you're a countryman and friend, you shall have it for ten shillings a gallon, and less than that I would'nt give it to my mother. " O'Regan thought this too much, and proposed eight shillings a gallon; but, after much chartering, he agreed to give nine shillings. The quantity was next discussed. The man could not sell less than an anker, four gallons. This was too much for O'Regan; but he finally determined to get a friend to go partners, and Higgins, who lodged in his house, was called down and also indulged with a taste, which he likewise pronounced "beautiful. " It was then arranged, with strong injunctions of secrecy, that the tub should be brought the next night, in a half-bushel sack, as if it were coals, and the hour of nine was appointed. The smuggler then departed, but was true to his appointment. He came at the hour fixed on the Wednesday night, and in the disguise proposed. The commodity was then carried into a little back parlor, with great mystery, and deposited in a cupboard, and the doors being all shut, he demanded his cash. "To be sure, " says Higgins; "but, first and foremost (for he was more cautious than his friend, ) let us see if it is as good as the sample was?" "Och, the devil burn me, " says the smuggler, "if I'd desave you. " "Sure I know you would'nt, " replied Higgins, "only just I'd like to wet my whistle with another drop, as you may say. " "Touch my honor, touch my life, " says the smuggler; and seizing the tub with some indignation, he called for the poker, and then striking the barrel on each side the bung-hole, out started the bung. He next called for a table-spoon, and a cup, and ladling out about a noggin, alias a quartern, handed it to O'Regan, who, having taken a suck, by the twist of his eye and the smack of his lips, evinced his satisfaction. Higgins finished it; and exclaiming, "it's the dandy, " passed his hand in his pocket, without further hesitation, and produced his eighteen shillings. O'Regan did the same, and the cask being safely locked in the cupboard, the smuggler was let out with as much caution as he had been admitted. O'Regan and Higgins then held a council upon the division of the spoil; and the latter went up stairs to fetch down a two gallon jar, while the former ran to the public-house to borrow a measure. They soon met again in the parlor, and the tub was brought out. They endeavoured at first to get the bung out in the same manner which they had observed the smuggler pursue, but not being equally acquainted with the subject, they could not succeed. This difficulty, however, was soon obviated. O'Regan obtained a large gimblet from a next door neighbour, and a hole being bored in one of the ends, the liquor began to flow very freely into the measure which was held to receive it. Higgins remarked that it looked very muddy, and on the pint being full, lifted it up to have another sup; but he had no sooner taken a gulp, than, to the dismay of O'Regan, he exclaimed, "Oh, Holy Paul, it's bilge!" mentioning a very unsavoury liquid. "Brother, " says O'Regan, and snatching the measure from his partner, took a mouthful himself, which he as quickly spirted about the floor; and then, in an agitated tone, cried out, "Sure enough Higgins, it is bilge, and precious bail it is, as ever I drank. " They now eyed each other for some time with mutual surprise, and then sympathetically agreed that they must have been "done. " It was still, however, a matter of surprise to them, how their friend, the smuggler, could have taken good whiskey (which that they had tasted from the bung-hole certainly was, ) from such nastiness. In order to solve their doubts, they procured a pail; and, having emptied the cask, they proceeded to break it to pieces, when, to their astonishment, the mystery was unravelled, and their folly, in being made the dupes of a pretended smuggler, made fully manifest; for immediately under the bung-hole they found a small tin box, capable of containing about half a pint, which, being tightly tacked to one of the staves, kept the pure liquor, a small quantity of which still remained, from that which was of a very opposite character. It was no laughing matter, and they were not, therefore, very merry on the occasion; and still less so, when Higgins demanded of O'Regan the repayment of his eighteen shillings; this O'Regan refused, and a quarrel ensued, which after having terminated in a regular "set to, " attended with painful consequences to both; was followed by Higgins applying to this Court for the summons which led to their appearance before the Commissioners. The whole of the circum-stances, with infinite trouble, having been thus unravelled; the Commissioner declared his inability to afford Mr. Higgins any re-dress. There was clearly no debt incurred; there was a mutual compact, entered into for an illegal purpose, for had the liquid which they had purchased been smuggled spirits, they were liable to pay a large penalty for having bought it. But putting aside all these considerations, it was clear that Higgins had, with a proper degree of caution, endeavoured to satisfy himself of the quality of the article before he paid his money; and thereby showed that he was not acting under a confidence in any guarantee on the part of O'Regan; and consequently could have no claim on him. In this view of the case, he should dismiss the summons without costs. The parties then retired, amidst the laughter of the by-standers; and Higgins, who was evidently much mortified, swore he would take the worth of his eighteen shillings "out of O'Regan's bones!"

This command was obeyed with alacrity, and as promptly acceded to bythe discomfited intruder, who, however, retrieved, without doubt, inthe credulity of others, the disappointment he had sustained by thepertinacity of the Squire. 

~120~~ The morning was unfavourable to pedestrian excursion. The librarywas well stored with literature in choice variety. To this antidote ofennui the Squire resorted, while Dashall wrote cards of invitation to afew select friends, whom he knew would, _sans cerémonie_ honor his tableto take bachelor's fare with him in the evening. 

"I pity the man in a rainy day, " says a writer, "who cannotfind amusement in reading. " This was not the case with the twoassociates;--the intellectual treat afforded by the library was fullyenjoyed; and the moments glided on, imperceptibly, until verging on thehour of dinner. 

The friends to whom Dashall had sent round, one and all accepted hisinvitation, and the remainder of the day was devoted to thatrefined hilarity, of which his hospitable board was always the chiefcharacteristic. 

CHAPTER VIII

 London, thy streets abound with incident. -- Dashing along, here roll the vehicles, Splendid, and drawn by highly pamper'd steeds, Of rank and wealth; and intermix'd with these, The hackney chariot, urg'd to sober pace Its jaded horses; while the long-drawn train Of waggons, carts, and drays, pond'rous and slow, Complete the dissonance, stunning the ear Like pealing thunder, harsh and continuous, While on either side the busy multitude Pass on, various and infinite. --

~122~~ THE following morning presented the exhilarating aspect ofan unclouded sky, and the two friends were anticipating, at thebreakfast-table, the enjoyment of a fine day, --when

 A double rat-tat, quickly doubled again, » Announced an intruder of Consequence vain, Decorum inclin'd to defy all;-- Again went the knocker, yet louder and faster, John ran to the door, and one ask'd for his master, Resolv'd against taking denial. --

"My good fellow, " said the stranger, "will you be after representing myobeisance and all that, to the Honorable Mr. Dashall, and I beg to knowwhether he is at home?"

"Your name, sir?"

"Augh, what does it signify?--Tell him an old friend with a newface, --arrah, not so, --tell him, that a new friend with no face at allat all, would be glad to wait upon him. --Sir Felix O'Grady, the Munsterbaronet, d'ye mind me?"

This was an unexpected visit, and the more kindly received by Dashalland Tallyho, who promised themselves considerable amusement in theacquisition of the baronet's society, which was readily conceded for theday, to their request. 

~123~~ "Have you breakfasted?" asked Dashall. "Whether or not, " answeredSir Felix, "I'll take a cup of taa with you, any how. "

When the repast was finished, the triumvirate set out on theirpedestrian excursion; interrupted however, in their progress, by atemporary shower, they took refuge in a Coffee-house, where Sir Felixtaking up a Newspaper, read from amongst the numerous advertisements, the following selected article of information, --"Convenientaccommodations for ladies who are desirous of privately lying in, and their infants carefully put out to nurse. " "Well now, after all, "observed the baronet, "this same London is a very convanient place, where a lady may gratify her pleasurable propensities, and at same timepreserve an unblemished reputation. It is only going into the country, sure, for the benefit of her health; that is to say, she retires to oneof the villages in the neighbourhood of London, pays her way withoutname given or questions asked, and in a few months, returns to Townimproved in health, but more slender in person, all her acquaintanceexclaiming, "La! my dear, how vastly thin you have grown!"--

"There are in London and its neighbourhood, " said Dashall, "numeroussuch convenient asylums; but I cannot acquiesce in their utility. --Iam rather of opinion that they have a demoralizing tendency, asaccelerating by concealment, the progress of licentiousness. --Humanfailings will still predominate, and the indulgence of illicitintercourse is less frequently prevented by an innate principleof virtue than the dread of shame. When facility of concealment istherefore given to the result, these connexions will still become moreprevalent. "

"By the Powers, " exclaimed Sir Felix, "but I think Morality ought tofeel particularly benefited by these convanient asylums; they preservereputation, and in some instances have prevented suicide and murder. Iknow of two cases wherein both crimes were perpetrated through a senseof shame and dread of discovery, which probably would not havehappened could the unfortunates have resorted to "convanientaccommodations. "--Well, here's good luck to the fair sex, the dearcratures! and may they, every one of them, die on a Christmas day, anyhow!"{1}

~124~~ This eccentric wish elicited a look of surprise from the Squire, which Sir Felix observing, --

"My rason is, " said he, "that the gates of heaven being open all thatday long, a body may slip in unknownst, as it is to be hoped that you, Mr. Dashall, and I may do, some day shortly without any interruption atall, at all. "

This ludicrous finis excited the laughter of the company--

 "But lo! the clouds break off, and sideways run, Out from his shelter lively looks the sun:"

and the united observers of Real Life hailing the favorable presage, resumed their perambulation. --

Advancing along Piccadilly towards Hyde Park, they reached the splendidmansion of the hero of Waterloo; the gates were open, and a travellingcarriage with four horses was in waiting for his Grace, who was thenabout setting off to inspect the fortifications of the Netherlands. {2}Neither Sir Felix nor Tallyho having ever seen the Duke, the triumviratepaused at the entrance of the Court-yard, until the carriage came forth, when they saluted the gallant warrior with the tribute of respect dueto distinguished services and exalted genius, which his Grace verycourteously returned. 

 1 On the subject of "convenient accommodation for ladies who wish privately to ly in, " if we might hazard an opinion, it would be in coincidence with that of our friend Dashall. These establishments' are certainly an encouragement to licentiousness, and it is well known, that in many of these receptacles, "where the strictest honor and secrecy may be relied on, " the allurement of _abortion_ is held out to the unhappy female, if she declines the anticipation of maternal solicitude. 

 2 Thirty-Two Great Personages! Anecdote of the Duke of Wellington, --His Grace, the Duke of Wellington, when last in the Netherlands, and travelling without attendants, in a part of the country where his multitudinous titles were not well understood, was overtaken on the road by a veteran officer, whose route lay in the same direction with that of his Grace. The Duke having occasion to stop; and as the officer would reach a certain town several hours before him, he requested that the veteran would take the trouble of ordering dinner for him, at the principal Inn. The old officer made his congee, and pro-ceeded on his mission. "I am desired to order dinner here, " said he, to the landlord; "but stay, I had better state who for. " Then calling for pen and ink, he presented the astonished and delighted host with the following list of his forthcoming illustrious guests. 

 The Prince of Waterloo! The Duke of Wellington. --The Duke of Ciudad Rodrigo, and The Duke of Vittoria. The Marquis of Douro, and a Marshal General of France. Master General of the Ordnance. 

 Colonel of the Royal Regt. Of Horse Guards, Blue. Colonel of the Rifle Brigade. 

 The Lord Lieutenant of Hampshire. --And

 The Governor of Plymouth. 

 Field Marshal of Austria, --------------------Russia, --------------------Prussia, --------------------France, --------------------England, and --------------------The Netherlands. 

 A Grandee of the Highest Class. A Captain General of Spain. 

 Knights of the Orders of The Garter, in England. --St. Andrew, in Russia. --The Black Eagle, in Russia. --Charles III. In Spain. --St. Ferdinand and Merit, in Spain. --The Golden Fleece, in Spain. --Maximilian Joseph, in Bavaria. --St. Maria Theresa, in Austria. --The Sword, in Spain. --St. Esprit, in France. --St. George, in Russia. --The Tower and Sword, in Portugal. And, (to bring up the rear, ) A Doctor of Civil Laws!

 "Mon Dieu!" exclaimed the host, in extacy, "what a noble company!" He then began to tell them over;--"One Prince, " he continued, --"Three Dukes--One Marquis--A Marshal General of France--An English Governor--An English Lord Lieutenant-- The Master General of the Ordnance, and Two English Colonels--Six Field Marshals--One Grandee of the Highest Class--A Captain General of Spain--Twelve Knights, and a Doctor of Civil Laws!. '--_Mon Dieu!_ Thirty-two Great Personages!!"

 All the provisions of the town, all the delicacies of the season and all the celebrated wines, were immediately put in requisition for the illustrious company in expectancy. 

 At last the Duke of Wellington arrived, and was ushered into a spacious dining-room, where a cloth was laid with thirty- two covers. The person of the Duke was unknown to the Innkeeper, who, full of important preparations for the Thirty-two Great Personages, thought not of any thing else. --"I ordered dinner here, " said his Grace. --"Mon Dieu!" responded the Innkeeper, "are you one of the Thirty- two Great Personages?" presenting the list at same time. His Grace glanced his eye over it, --"they are all here!" said he, "so send up the dinner immediately. " The Inn-keeper stood aghast with amazement; at last finding utterance, he ventured to express a hope that his Grace would be pleased to take into consideration, that he (the Innkeeper, ) had, at great trouble and expence, provided a most sumptuous entertainment for Thirty-two Great Personages. "D----n the Thirty-two Great Personages, " exclaimed the Duke, "Send up the dinner, and your bill. --Thus I must pay the penalty, " said he, "for not having invited the old veteran to be of the party!!"

~125~~ The Squire observed, that the brilliant victories of his Grace, although acknowledged and rewarded by all the Potentates of Europe, hadnot procured him much popularity at home. The remark was confessed byDashall to be correct, but whence the public indifference originated, hecould not presume to explain. 

Crossing Hyde Park, which a celebrated physician denominated _the lungsof the Metropolis_, our pedestrians made their egress into Oxford-road. This fine street, with longitudinal reference the first in London, excited the admiration of the baronet; the long line of perspectiveindeterminable to the view, stretching from Hyde Park corner to St. Giles's, the general uniformity of the buildings, the neatness, and inmany instances the splendor of the tradesmen's shops, together with thecomfortable manner of their perambulation, unjostled and unimpeded bythe hurry, throng and bustle of passengers, with which ~126~~ many otherparts of the Town are annoyed, gave an additional zest of enjoyment tothe trio in their excursion, while the Squire observed, that he felt inthis part of the Town, always as if he had been suddenly removed tosome other region of the world, far remote from the city of London, itsdissonant uproar, and crowded inconveniences. 

Turning into Blenheim street, Dashall apprized his companions, that ifthey felt inclined to take a peep into the Theatre of Anatomy, he couldprocure their admission. 

The Squire seemed to recoil from so disgusting an exhibition; whileon the other hand the baronet expressed a great desire to enter thetheatre. "I have been used to murder and mutilation!" said he. 

"The devil you have!" ejaculated the Squire, "where, how?"

"Where else should it be but in Ireland?" replied the baronet:--"and asto the how, was it not, sure, after the manner of my profession, while Iwas a member of a Corps of Yeoman Cavalry, during the rebellion, when wewhipped, hanged, beheaded, and mutilated men, every day, by dozens! Soyou may guess, my good ~127~~friend, that cutting up a human carcaseis nothing new to me. Only now, I should like to see if there is anydifference in the mangling of human bodies by the anatomical artistsof London from the ci-devant military professors, "The Loyal Troop ofDoneraile. "

The hesitation manifested by the Squire yielded, ultimately, to theimportunity of the baronet, and they entered the human shambles, wherethe cutters up were at work upon a subject, securing to themselves theadvantage of personal experience, in the process of dissection; theabdomen had been already cleared out, and the corpse was portioned outto the different students of anatomy for the purpose of illustration;the arms to one class, the legs to another, the head to a third, &c. Sothat in less than a quarter of an hour, decapitation and dismembermentwere completely effected; and the trunk was deserted, as anuninteresting object, from which there could not be derived anyinformation of importance, further than that which the students hadalready obtained!!!

Sir Felix whispered his friends, that these adepts in human mutilationfar exceeded in apathy of feeling and adroitness of execution, even theci-devant Loyal Troop of Doneraile!--But when one of the young artistsbrought forward in his hands smeared with gore, a human heart for theoperation of the dissecting knife, Tallyho declaring that he could bearit no longer, rushed out of the theatre, and was followed by his twocompanions, all disgusted with this spoliation of the dead, howeverconducive it might prove to the interests of the living. {1}

 1 The human subjects for these Theatres of Anatomy and private dissection, are chiefly supplied by "Resurrectionists;" a class of depraved wretches whose only employment is that of body-snatching, or robbing the graves of their dead; from which they derive a ready and lucrative emolument. The anatomists are ready at all hours to receive, without questions asked, and with prompt remuneration, the produce of these unsanctified depredations. --Dreadful must be the feelings of the fond relatives of a departed friend, to learn that the sanctuary of the grave has been violated, and the body of perhaps a beloved wife, sister, or other revered female, exposed to the gaze, and subjected to the scalping-knife, of these butchers. 

 Iron Coffins have been resorted to as a safe-guard, which once closed cannot be opened. For this improvement the artist obtained a patent; but he is not likely to derive much advantage from his invention, as the parish officers within the bills of mortality have generally refused the rites of sepulture to bodies cased in iron; alleging, that the almost imperishable material would shortly compel an enlargement of burying ground, at a vast expence, which it is the duty of the parish officers to prevent, by resisting the interment of bodies in iron coffins; and this resolution has lately had the sanction of legal authority. 

~128~~

Proceeding along Oxford Street, Sir Felix enquired for the _Holy Land_, informing his friends, at same time, that his servant, whom he hadentrusted the preceding day with a cheque on his banker, had not beenat home all night, and the probability was, that he had got amongsthis Munster friends in Palestine. Sir Felix was therefore desirous ofascertaining, if possible, the sanctuary of the fugitive; and withthat view requested his friends to accompany him in a perambulation ofdiscovery, through (to him) these hitherto unexplored regions. --Thisapplication was readily assented to, and the triumvirate passed onwardsto the place of destination. 

They had now reached the Church of St. Giles in the Fields, situated inBroad Street, St. Giles's; and their attention was immediately directedto that fine piece of sculpture over the iron gateway, leading intothe Church-yard, representing the Resurrection and Last Judgment. Thefigures are in _basso relievo_, and although diminutive, are admirablygrouped, and the expression of each gives to the whole a finished andimpressive effect. 

Two minutes more, and the three friends were on the boundaries of theHoly Land, namely, George Street, or, as formerly cognomened, DyottStreet, Bloomsbury. 

At the end of this street, next to St. Giles's, were several of theLower Irish, of both gender, who, clustering together, seemed to holda close confabulation, casting occasionally, an inquisitive eye on SirFelix O'Grady. 

"By the soul of the priest!" at last exclaimed one of the Munsteremigrees, "but it is him, and I would take my davy on it;--but sureenough, I will ax the jontleman himself now, whether he knows who he is, or if he is any body at all, at all!"

This real representative of the tag-rag and bob-tail of the EmeraldIsle, was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his class and country. A nameless something that had once been a hat, covered a shock head ofhair; the redundancy of which protuberated sideways and perpendicularly, ~129~~from the ci-devant castor, in many a knotty combination, impervious to wind and weather. The fragments of a loose great coatdecorated his tall athletic form, which scarcely reaching his knees, exposed fully to observation his nether habiliment, --

 "His galligaskins, that had long withstood The winter's fury and encroaching frost By Time subdued, --what will not Time subdue, Now horrid rents disclosed, portending agues. "

His brawny legs were partially cased in worsted hose, the dilapidationsof wear and tear ingeniously repaired with cloth, pieced and patched, and comprising all the prismatic colours of the rainbow; his toes, disdaining the trammels of duress, peeped through his brogues, as ifanxious for freedom; and to complete the singularity of this strangefigure, his vacant face was incrusted with filth, his bristly beardunshorn, --

 And stuck in his mouth of capacious dimensions, That never to similar shape had pretensions, A pipe he sustain'd, short and jetty of hue, Thro' which the dense clouds of tobacco he drew. 

This apparition stalking onwards to our admiring triumvirate, --"May be, "said he, "your honor can be after telling me, --will your honor be SirFelix O'Grady of Munster, that is, long life to it?"--"The same, by thepowers of my father who begot me!" exclaimed the baronet: "sure enoughI am Sir Felix O'Grady that is, not that will be!" "Erin ma vorneen!"rejoined the enquirer, --"the pot of Saint Patrick be upon you, and mayyour honor live all the days of your life, and many years longer, ifthat's all!--Arrah, but I'm plased to my heart's content to meet widyour honor in a strange land!"

The congregated expectants now approached, and respectfully united theircongratulations with those of their respectable deputy. --"The pot ofSaint Patrick be upon you, and may your reverence live for ever and aday afterwards!" It was in vain that Sir Felix offered them money. "No, the devil a drap would they taste, unless it was wid his honor's ownself, by the holy poker!"

There was no remedy; so Sir Felix, with his friends Dash alland Tallyho, who were much amused by this ~130~~unsophisticatedmanifestation of Irish recognition, accompanied the motley groupe to theblue-ruin shop. {1}

[Illustration: page130 Blue Ruin Shop]

Entering then, the neighbouring den, of a licensed retailer ofdestruction, the first object on whom the scrutinizing eye of thebaronet cast a glance, was his servant, regaling himself and his blowenwith a glass of the "right sort. " The indignant Sir Felix raised hiscane, and was about to inflict a well-merited chastisement, when thetransgressor, deprecating the wrath of his master, produced the fullamount of the cheque in mitigation of punishment, expressing hisobligations to mother Cummings for the preservation of the property. 

"And who, in the devil's name, " asked the baronet, "is motherCummings?"{2}

"Och! a good sowl, " said the valet, "for all that, she keeps convanientlodgings. And so your honor, just having got a drap too much of thecratur last night, this girl and I took up our lodgings at motherCummings's: good luck to her any how! And if your honor will but forgiveme this once, I will, as in duty bound, serve you faithfully by nightand by day, in any or in no way at all at all, and never will be guiltyof the like again as long as I live, gra. "

 1 Blue-ruin, alias English Gin. --Not unaptly is this pernicious beverage so denominated. It is lamentable to observe the avidity with which the lower orders of society in London resort to this fiery liquid, destructive alike of health and morals. The consumption of gin in the metropolis is three-fold in proportion to what it was a few years ago. Every public-house is now converted into "Wine Vaults, " as they are termed, which the venders of poison and their account in; it is true, that the occupants are compelled to sell beer also, but in many of these receptacles, there is not even sitting room, and "something short, " is thus the resource of men, women, and even children!

 2 This discreet matron has realized a very daccnt competency, by keeping, in the Holy Land, a house of accommodation for _single, men and their wives_. --When a couple of this description require the asylum of her hospitable roof, she demands possession of all the money which the male visitor may have about him. This conceded, it is told over, and carefully sealed up in the presence of its owner, and left for the night in charge of the prudent landlady. The party is then shewn into a room, and in the morning the money is forth-coming to its utmost farthing. 

~131~~ Circumstances considered, and as this had been his firstoffence, the servant, at the intercession of Dashall, was let off with areprimand only, and ordered home, a mandate which he instantly and withmany expressions of gratitude obeyed. 

The baronet having adjusted this business to his satisfaction, directedhis attention to his newly acquired Munster friends, whom he not onlytreated with a liberal potation of aqua vitæ, but in the warmth of hiskindly feelings, actually drank with them, a condescension infinitelymore acceptable to the generous nature of these poor-people, than wasthe more solid proof which he left them of his munificence; and ofwhich, until absolutely forced upon them, they long and pertinaciouslyresisted the acceptance. 

Our party pursuing their route, entered Holborn, and ordered refreshmentat the George and Blue Boar Coffee-House; a place of excellentaccommodation, and convenient for persons coming from the West ofEngland. 

Here, while our perambulators amused themselves in conversation on theoccurrences of the morning, a chaise and four drove rapidly into theyard, the postillions decorated with white ribbons, "denoting, " saidDashall, "the successful denouement, perhaps, of a trip to GretnaGreen. " His conjecture was correct; the happy pair just arrived, hadbeen rivetted in the ties of matrimony by the far-famed blacksmith ofGretna. {1}

 1 In tracing the pursuits of needy and profligate adventurers, with whom this vast metropolis abounds beyond that of any other capital in the world, wife-hunting is not the least predominant. This remark we cannot better illustrate than by introducing to the notice of our readers, the following extraordinary detail, exhibiting in High Life, atrocious premeditated villainy, and in the mediocrity of female rank extreme and fatal cupidity. 

 An anecdote has come to our knowledge within the last few days which we think calls for publicity, as it may tend to place on their guard those tender-hearted spinsters whose sensibility of feeling may induce them for a moment to forget that prudence which is at all times the best safeguard of their sex. The circumstances which we shall describe are considered quite unique among certain orders of the sporting world; and the Hero of the Tale, from the dashing completion of his plan, has obtained no small importance in the eyes of his associates. 

 To our purpose;--About a fortnight back, a person, we will not call him a gentleman, the first letter of whose name is not far re-moved from the last letter of the alphabet, and who has been particularly distinguished for the dashing, although not very meritorious affairs in which he has been engaged, both on the turf and the road, as well as in the stable, found himself (to use one of his own fashionable phrases, ) "hard up. " In plain terms, his Exchequer was completely exhausted, and what was worse, his credit was altogether "out at the elbows. " All ordinary, and, indeed, almost all extraordinary modes of "raising the wind, " had long since been worn threadbare. Something, however, must be done; and to be "well done, " it must be "done quickly. " A happy thought struck him. He had heard of a lady, some few years beyond her "teens, " who was possessed of a pretty round sum; he could not ascertain exactly how much, in her own right. This was a prize which he thought it would be most desirable to obtain. It was true, the lady was past that age when passion is not at all times to be con-trolled; but then certainly not so far advanced as to have abandoned all hope of obtaining an agreeable husband, or not to be perfectly convinced that her attractions entitled her to entertain such an expectation. The only difficulty which suggested itself, was the mode of introduction. Two heads are better than one, and our hero called in a friend, to whom he unfolded his scheme, and whose advice and assistance he immediately bespoke. The friend had no scruples on the subject, and at once became a partner in the plot. Means were found to overcome the first impediment, and behold our two gentlemen in the presence of the fair object of their attack. The principal was immediately introduced as the son of Sir George ----, a highly respectable Baronet of the same name, but of a very different character. His manners were chastened for the occasion, his appearance fashionable, and his address distinguished by a warmth which the acknowledged purpose of his visit, that of soliciting the honor of being permitted to pay his addresses, in some measure justified. The lady was not displeased: to all appearance the connexion, which was thus offered to her was most nattering; the son of a baronet, and one especially who had expressed himself in a most disinterested manner, was not to be dismissed without due deliberation; she, therefore, with becoming frankness, consented to grant another interview on the ensuing day. The friends were punctual to the time appointed, and came in the carriage (_pro tempore_) of the suitor. They were shown into the drawing-room, and the conversation was mutually pleasing. At length our hero proposed to the lady to take a short airing in his carriage. At first she exhibited the usual coyness at such an invitation from one, to whom she was almost a stranger; but was ultimately bantered into a consent, and accordingly dressed for a ride. Having taken her seat between the two gentlemen, they engaged her on such topics as they thought most amusing, and the time passed so agreeably that she scarce knew where she was going, till she had arrived at Barnet, on the north road. They stopped at one of the principal inns, and alighting, a slight cold repast was ordered. The convenient friend shortly after quitted the apartment to look to the horses, and the _soi- disant_ son of the Baronet instantly commenced an assault upon the lady's heart, which it would seem, was but too well received. He protested that he had long sighed at a distance, without having the courage to confess his flame; and, in short, that he could not exist unless she became his. The lady, whatever might be the feelings of her heart, laughed at the warmth of his declarations. This only induced him to become more impetuous; and at last, as a proof of his sincerity, he proposed, as they were so far on the north road, that they should order four horses, and set off at once to Gretna Green. This produced additional merri-ment on the part of the lady, which, as there was no specific refusal, was taken for consent; and on the return of the friend, he received a wink, which instructed him in the course he was to pursue, and in a moment, four horses were clapped to the travelling chariot in which they had arrived. The lady was shortly afterwards handed to her seat, and, accompanied as before, was whirled off with the utmost velocity. She had gone thirty miles of the road, however, before she believed that her lover was really serious. On alighting at the end of the third stage, reflection came to her aid, and she began to repent of having suffered herself to be prevailed on to consent so far to what she still pretended to believe was but a joke. On our hero quitting the coom, she represented to his friend the utter impossibility of proceeding further, and entreated that he would take means to have her re-conducted to town. The friend, however, who was too much interested in the success of a plot so well commenced, endeavoured to dissuade her, by every argument of which he was master, to go on; but she positively refused; when, as the last resource, he determined to work on her fears, and accordingly told her, that Mr. ---- had long spoken of her, in terms of impatient rapture; that he was a man, unhappily, of a most passionate temper, and that he had vowed, sooner than he would go back to London without making her his wife, he would blow out his brains, for which purpose he was provided with a brace of pistols, then in his pocket, and double loaded. To this was added the still more persuasive observation, that he was a gentleman of family and fortune and figure, to whom no rational objection could be taken by any woman whose heart had not been previously engaged. The result was, that the unfortunate woman, half consenting, half relenting, agreed to go forward, and on they drove till they arrived full speed at Gretna Bridge, in Yorkshire. Here a new difficulty arose; our hero had exhausted his purse, and had not a shilling left to enable him to complete his journey; his good genius, however, had not deserted him, and, with that effrontery for which he is distinguished, he called the landlord into a private room, told him he was on his way to Gretna Green with an heiress, again described himself to be the son of a baronet, and finally requested him to give cash for a cheque which he proposed drawing on a respectable banking-house in town, (where, by the bye, he happened to have no account. ) The cause he assigned for his distress was the suddenness of his flight from town. His appeal proved successful, and he was furnished with the means of completing his journey. Again the trio resumed their course, and in the end reached the quarters of the celebrated Blacksmith, who was immediately summoned to their presence. Here another impediment threw them into fresh alarm; the Blacksmith seeing the style in which they had arrived, and judging from that circumstance that they were persons of no mean consequence, refused to rivet their chains under a douceur of One hundred pounds. This sum it was impossible, at so short a notice, they could raise; and their hopes would have been altogether frustrated, had not the eloquence of our hero once more proved successful. He explained to the venerable priest that their finances were but slender; and having assured him of that fact, he induced him to accept of Five pounds down, and a note of hand for Fifty pounds more. The Gordian knot was then tied, and Mr. And Mrs. ---- having received the congratulations of their friend, who witnessed the ceremony, returned to Gretna Bridge; where they agreed to wait a few days, until a remittance for which the lady, under some plausible excuse, was induced to draw, had arrived. The necessary sum at length reached their hands; the bill was dis-charged; the cheque upon which the cash had been previously advanced, redeemed; and the party pursued their journey back to the metropolis. 

 On reaching London, the marriage ceremony was repeated in a more formal manner, and thus all question of the validity of the union was set at rest. Our hero had now to render available the funds of his Lady; and in a morning _tete-a- tete_ requested some information as to the state of her fortune? It was a subject, he said, of no great importance in his estimation, but still he wished to know what she had? The Lady candidly told him that all she had under her own control, was £1, 100 in the 5 per Cents, and a bond of her brother's for £2, 500 payable on demand. On the very same day, the disinterested husband was found soliciting several brokers in the city, to sell out the stock which his wife had described, but they all declined, unless the lady were present. This was an objection easily got over; he returned to his wife, and having assigned some feasible reason for an immediate want of ready cash, induced her to accompany him to the market, where the value of the stock was soon transferred into his pocket. 

 The friends of the lady had by this time been apprised of her marriage, and naturally felt anxious to ascertain the character of the connexion which she had formed. She, of course, repeated the story told her by her "Lord and Master;" but inquiry having been made as to its truth, it was found to be fictitious in all its main features. Her husband, although of the same name, was not the son of Sir George, nor was he at all connected with that family; and in addition to this, it was ascertained that he was, as we have already described him to be, a gentleman "much better known than trusted. " It is needless to say that the feelings of the lady were greatly agitated at these discoveries, and she did not hesitate to upbraid her husband with his deceitful conduct. His sensibility, however, was not to be excited on such an occasion; he coolly told her he knew all she could say on that subject without putting her to any further trouble; and, in fine, confirmed all that she had heard to his prejudice. She had taken him "for better for worse, " and she must make the best of a bad bargain. The brother of the lady now interfered; he had an interview with her husband, and could not suppress the indignation which he felt in his presence. Our hero had too long been accustomed to the reverses of the sporting world to be easily ruffled; he preserved his temper with admirable presence of mind, and having heard the enraged brother to a conclusion, at last very coolly replied, that "all he had said might be very true, but that did not alter the fact that his sister was his lawful wife; and further, that, as her husband, he held a bond of his (the brother's) for £'2, 500, payable on demand, and of which he requested immediate payment as he was short of "the ready. " The cold-blooded gravity with which this demand was made, incensed the brother still more, and he gave vent to the feelings which were excited in his breast. Our hero was in no respect thrown off his guard, and at last, after having heard that the brother, as well as the lady, whose eyes were now open to his real character, would be glad to get rid of him on any terms; he proposed to "do the thing, " what he called "handsomely, " and with very little qualification suggested, that in order to settle the business "amicably, " he had no objection to give up his wife and her brother's bond for £1, 000 in addition to the £1, 000 he had already received. Unprincipled as this offer was, the brother, upon reflection, felt that he was "in the jaws of the lion, " and therefore, after consultation with his sister, who was but too happy in escaping from such a companion, he agreed to the terms proposed. The £1, 000 was paid, the bond returned, and a separation mutually agreed upon without further delay, to the infinite satisfaction of our hero, who tells the adventure among his friends with extra-ordinary glee, taking no small credit to himself for its happy issue. We have suppressed the names of the parties, for obvious reasons; there are those by whom they will be immediately recognised. We wish, however, not to give unnecessary pain to the individuals really injured; and have only to hope the facts we have detailed may operate as a sufficient caution to others who may be placed in similar situations in future. 

~135~~ Sir Felix O'Grady was all a-gog to learn from the postillions thenames of the party, but nothing satisfactory could be elicited. 

Our trio now directed their progress along Holborn, in which route theyhad advanced but a few minutes when their attention was arrested bya concourse of people assembled at the door of a Linen-draper, whoit seems had detected a thief in the person of a pregnant woman. This information excited the sympathy of our three friends, and theyaccordingly entered the Shop. Tallyho entreated of the Linen-draper, that he would be merciful to the unfortunate woman, in consideration ofher being so far in a family way. 

"And yet, sir, " answered the Shopkeeper, "I fancy we shall be able torelieve the lady without the assistance of a midwife. " The woman wasthen taken into a back room and searched by two of her own sex. Theresult ~136~~of this investigation was soon made known. --The pregnancywas assumed, the better to evade suspicion; her under garments werecompletely lined with hooks, to which were suspended, in vast variety, articles of stolen property, including not only those of light weight, viz. Handkerchiefs, shawls, stockings, &c. But several of less portabledescription, amongst which were two pieces of Irish linen. Thesearticles she had conveyed through an aperture in her upper habiliment ofsufficient dimensions to admit an easy access to the general repository. The ingenuity of this invention created much surprise, and as it greatlyfacilitated concealment and evaded detection, there is no doubt of itshaving frequently produced a rich harvest. This female adept was nowcommitted to the charge of an officer, the Shopkeeper having identifiedupon her person several articles of stolen property. 

CHAPTER IX

 Ladies, --the chariot waits;--the toilet now Where erst so many hours were idly spent, Asks of its wonted due the tythe alone;-- Braid then your tresses of luxuriant now, And wrap your forms angelic in the dress Simple, yet rich and elegant, that gives Your matchless beauties half revealed to view; The broad capacious bosom's luscious swell, Still heaving strong, and suing to be prest;-- Grace then the vehicle. --We, observers Of Real Life, the while, in London go To "catch the living manners as they rise, "And give the age its very form and pressure. "

~137~~ CONTINUING their route down Holborn, the adventure in theLinen-draper's shop became the theme of conversation. --"It is notalone, " said Dashall, "to the lower orders and necessitous that thissystem of Shop-lifting is confined; many recent instances have occurredof similar depredation, by women above the mediocrity of rank, who, however, frequently contrive to compromise prosecution, while thedelinquent of poverty is visited by the utmost rigor of the law!--Of thetwo, certainly the thief from habit is more culpable than the thief fromnecessity. "

Sir Felix and the Squire entirely agreed with their friend inopinion. --"Shop-lifters, " continued Dashall, "are as pernicious to thetrading part of the community as any of the cheats of London; there isnot, on a moderate calculation, less than 5000 of these artful thievesin the metropolis, and the prejudice they do to the industrioustradesman is incalculable. "

"By the powers of safety, then, " exclaimed the baronet "thehonest dealer should consider every stranger a thief until furtheracquaintance. "

"Not exactly so; however, it is necessary that the London tradesmanshould be upon his guard, and keep ~138~~ a sharp look out upon hiscustomers, not knowing, by their appearance, whether they are honest orotherwise. "{1}

Turning from Holborn into Chancery Lane, our pedestrians wereencountered by a very handsome chariot, in which were two elegantlydressed and beautiful women, who, ordering the carriage to stop, saluted Dashall and the Squire in the most fascinating terms of friendlyrecognition. 

"Your Ladyships render me, " said Dashall, "infinite happiness; this is amost unexpected pleasure!"

"You are a gallant cavalier, " observed one of the lovely inmates, "another gentleman would probably have used the word honor instead ofhappiness, but you are fertile in felicitous expression. "

"Not more felicitous than appropriate; but whither away, my faircaptivators?"

"We are on a shopping expedition, " replied one of the ladies, "youand your friend of Belville-hall, are observers of Life in Londongenerally;--ours is a mere circumscribed sphere of action; we go toview Life in a Mercer's shop. --When the Squire and you are not morepleasantly engaged, give us a call, and perhaps we may grant you thehonor of an interview. --We would ask the Unknown, " said she, in awhisper, "who is he?"

 1 A thief from habit. --Not long since, there existed in the fashionable world, a female of rank and property, who was an habitual, expert, and incorrigible thief. --She would frequently sally forth in her carriage, and alighting at the doors of perhaps, half a dozen different tradesmen, rummage over their goods, without mak-ing a purchase, and embrace the opportunity of purloining any portable article that lay in her way. Those tradesmen to whom her thieving propensities were known, used to watch, carefully, her manoeuvres, let her walk off with the spoil, and then send a bill of depredation, which she uniformly, and without hesitation, dis-charged. This unfortunate woman was one morning detected in the shop of a Mercer to whom she was a stranger, in the act of pilfering some article of value. He was about to detain her, when she burst into an agony of tears, acknowledged, and lamented deeply, the irresistible infatuation under which she acted, disclosed her rank and family, and the compassionate mercer suffered her to depart. 

 At another time, being one of a card-party, a gold snuff-box vanished from the table. Every person present denied any knowledge of it;--"Madam, you are mistaken, " said one of the company, "you have got the snuff-box in your pocket. "--"How very _absent_ I am!"exclaimed our heroine, producing the box. --"And I beg that you will continue absent!" said the lady of the mansion. 

~139~~ "Sir Felix O'Grady, Madam, " answered Dashall, "an Irish baronet, of recent acquaintance; like every other gentleman of the Emerald Isle, combining, with characteristic eccentricity, a sound head and a warmheart. "

"Then, of all things, bring him with you. " "So, " waving gracefully herhand, "adieu!" the trio responded, by respectfully raising their hats, "_Allons donc_, " she exclaimed, and the carriage drove off. 

"There go, " exclaimed Dashall, "two of the most lovely and accomplishedwomen in London, and perhaps the least tinctured with fashionablefolly. "

"With the exception, " observed the Squire, "of shopping, that is, Ipresume, making the morning tour of tradesmen's shops, tumbling overtheir goods, giving them every possible trouble, and ultimately makingno purchase. "{1}

Dashall admitted the correctness of the Squire's observation, asgenerally applicable, but claimed an exemption for the ladies inquestion. 

On the left, proceeding down Chancery Lane, Dashall pointed to arespectable house as the occasional residence of a lady in the firstclass of literature, whose writings have given universal satisfaction, and will continue to be read with increased avidity, as conveying themost admirable lessons of morality, told in a manner alike impressiveand pathetic;--Mrs. Op*e; the widow of the late celebrated artist. Thisexcellent woman is endeared to the circle of her numerous acquaintanceby a pre-eminent

 1 Tallyho had improved in his knowledge of Real Life in London. --His definition of Shopping was perfectly correct. 

 One of those fashionable female idlers, who delight in occupying the time, and exercising the patience of the industrious, alighted, a short time since, at the shop of a tradesman in Ludgate-street, and after a couple of hours spent in examining and re-examining a variety of rich silks, made her election at last, and desired the mercer to cut her off a shilling's worth, throwing, at the same time, the money on the counter. The tradesman, with perfect coolness, took up the piece of coin, laid it on a corner of the silk, circum-scribed it with his scissors, and presented the part so cut out to the lady, as the shilling's worth required. We feel pleasure in recording the result. The lady admired the mercer's equanimity of temper, laughed heartily at his manner of illustrating it, and in atonement for trouble given and patience exemplified, became, and still continues, one of his most valued customers. 

~140~~ suavity of disposition, blended with superior mental endowments;to the unfortunate by her benevolent heart, to which the appeal ofdistress is never made in vain; and to the public generally, by herinvaluable works, the uniform tendency of which is the advancement ofvirtue and the inculcation of the benign feelings of humanity. {1}

 1 To the admirers of Mrs. Op*e, the following lines, never before published, will not prove unacceptable. 

 TRIBUTE OF RESPECT. O Thou of matchless power to raise And bend the Passions to thy sway I-- Whose pen with magic force portrays, Whose spell the shadowy forms obey. Of Joy and Grief, of Hope and Fear, And wiles from Apathy a tear, -- Enchantress! take the duteous lays To Worth that Admiration pays. 

 To thee, as to thy Op*e, given On Immortality a claim; His virtues pass'd from Earth to Heaven, Yet still exist in deathless fame;-- His pencil to thy pen assign'd To charm, instruct, and grace mankind!-- And Oh! could but my humble strains To thy impressive skill aspire, The Muse that faintly now sustains Thy worth, would make poetic fire, And glowing high, with fervid name, Would graft her honors on thy name. --

 But ah! bereft of every stay, From Hope exil'd, with Woe I keep My vigils, each sad sorrowing day, And wake, each dreary night, to weep!-- By Penury chill'd poetic powers, No voice to soothe, no hand to save, And snatch a victim from the grave, -- Around me Desolation lours, And glaring, midst the deep'ning gloom, Despair and Famine urge me to the tomb!

 If, all unmeet, my humble strain Is destin'd still to flow in vain;-- Shouldst thou the tribute now refuse Essayed by Misery and the Muse; Reject not yet the lay with scorn, To thee by kindred feelings borne;-- For still thy tales of plaintive tone Breathe pain and sufferings, like mine own. 

~141~~ Facing the entrance to the Royal Wax Works, Sir Felix made a fullstop;--"That fellow, " said he, alluding to the whole length figure ofthe Centinel, "stands as motionless as a statue; by the powers, buthalf-a-dozen peep-o-day boys in his rear would be after putting life andmettle in his heels!--Shoulder and carry your arms, you spalpeen; andis this the way that you show the position of a soldier?" at same timeenforcing his admonition with a smart stroke of his cane over the armof the inanimated military representative. The attendant, a young manin the costume of the Yeomen of the Guards, remonstrated; Dashall andTallyho laughed most immoderately; and the baronet, equally enjoying thejoke, persisted in affecting to believe, that he was addressing himselfto a living object, greatly to the amusement of the now congregatingstreet passengers. 

"Begging your pardon, ray jewel, " continued Sir Felix, "long life andgood luck to you, in your stationary quarters, and may His Majesty neverfind a more active enemy than yourself!--By the soul of my grandmother, it would be well for poor Ireland, who has taken leave of her senses, ifher bog-trotting marauders were as peaceably inclined as you are. --Faitand troth, but you're a fine looking lad after all, and with theassistance of your master, and a touch of Prometheus, we might raisea regiment of braver fellows than the King's Guards, without bounty orbeat of drum, in the twinkling of an eye, honey; but with your leave, and saving yourself unnecessary trouble, we'll be after paying a visitto the company above stairs; "and the party proceeded to the exhibitionroom. --

Here were representatives of the living and mementos of the dead! Kingsand Queens, Princes and Princesses, Ah! cease the sad resemblance here!-- Thee, then, to every feeling dear Of tender sympathy, --thy way Illumin'd to life's remotest day. In bliss, in worth, in talent shine, Though pain, and want unsuccour'd, mine! Adorning this terrestrial sphere, Be long an Op*e's talents given; And Virtue consecrate the tear When call'd to join her native Heaven!

 A. K. 

~142~~ warriors, statesmen, poets, and philosophers, in socialcommunion: not forgetting the lady who had three hundred and sixty-fivechildren at a birth!!{1}

The baronet made many congees to the great and inferior personages bywhom he was surrounded, admired the heterogeneity of the group, andregretted that their imperfect creation precluded the possibility ofconverse. 

One of the figures, by an unobserved excitement of the attendant, now inclined its head to Sir Felix, who, nothing daunted, immediatelyassumed the attitude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, and exclaimed, "Nay, if thou canst nod, speak too! if our graves And charnel housesgive those we bury back, Our monuments shall be the maws of kites. "

The company present pronounced the baronet a player, and a lady, to whomthe manly and athletic form of the supposed tragedian had given apparentpleasure, assured him she had never heard the passage more impressivelydelivered, and that certainly, in the character of the Scottish Usurper, there was no doubt of his becoming to Mr. Kran a very formidable rival!

Sir Felix sustained his part admirably, expressing his highacknowledgment of the lady's favorable opinion; but the enquiry when andin which theatre, he meant to make his first appearance, had so nearlyderanged his gravity and that of his two friends, as to induce them tohasten their retreat. 

Dashall and Tallyho congratulated the baronet on his promising dramatictalent, and advised him still further to court the favors of the tragicMuse. 

"May the devil burn the tragic Muse!" he exclaimed;

 1 Thus runs the legend. --

 A lady in former times, who, it seems, like some of our modern visionaries, was an enemy to superabundant population, and would have restricted the procreation of children to those only who could maintain them; was applied to for alms by a poor woman, with no less than five little famishing urchins in her train. The haughty dame not only refused to relieve the unfortunate mendicant, but poured upon her a torrent of abuse, adding that she had no right to put herself in the way of having children whom she could not support. --The woman dropped on her knees, and prayed "that the lady might have as many children at one birth as there were days in the year!" and so, (as the legend runs, ) it actually happened!

~143~~ "Arrah, give me the favors of that sweet pretty crature, thecomical Muse at the Wax-works, who took me for a player, --Och! thefascination of her smile and the witchery of her eye before all theMuses that ever fuddled the brain of a garreteer!"

"Why baronet, " said the Squire, "you are love-struck, --deeplylurched, --taken in by the knowing one!"

"Taken in, that is as it may hereafter happen, but an Irishman, myjewel, is never so desperately in love with one girl but he can spare abit of affection for another. 

 "Sure love is the soul of a nate Irishman, He loves all that's lovely, loves all that he can With his sprig of shilleleagh and shamrock so green. "--

The three friends had now rounded the corner at the bottom ofFleet-street, in the direction of Blackfriars, when Dashall claimed theattention of his associates. --

"This is the domicil, " said he, "of the patriotic Alderman, who, duringso many years has uniformly and ably opposed the civic hirelings ofCorruption, advocated the cause of Freedom, and acquired the well-earnedmeed of high estimation by all the respectable and independent portionof his fellow-citizens. 

"Firm in principle, and resolute in difficulty, the conscientiousdischarge of his duty has ever been his prominent object. But perhaps inno instance has he so greatly endeared himself to humanity, than in thatof the long protracted inquest on the bodies of the two unfortunatemen, Honey and Francis, the victims of military outrage; his constantattendance and indefatigable exertions on that occasion, were the meansof eliciting many particulars which otherways might not have been known, and which ultimately led the Jury to record the atrociousness of thecrime by the several verdicts of murder and manslaughter. 

"Again, on the memorable day of the funeral of these two immolated men, Mr. W. In his capacity of Sheriff, supported with becoming dignity, hishigh station, and undaunted amidst imminent danger, enforced obedienceeven from the military, and saved the effusion of human blood. "

London exhibits, daily, a series of depravity perhaps unparalleled inany other part of the British Empire. --

~144~~ Dashall had just finished his eulogium on the worthy Alderman, in which his friends heartily coincided, when the attention of thetriumvirate was attracted by the appalling appearance of five menrivetted together, and conducted along the street by officers ofjustice. Tallyho enquired into the nature of their crimes, and wasinformed that they were in custody under suspicion of house-breaking inthe night-time, and that two of them, particularly, had been taken inthe house which they had plundered, regaling themselves, in perfectease, with cold meat, wine, and liquors, and the stolen property tied upin a bag, with which, on the moment of alarm, they attempted an escape, but were intercepted in their retreat, and taken in charge by theofficers after a desperate resistance, in which shots and hurts werereceived both by the victors and the vanquished. It is almost beyondbelief, that men engaged in an enterprise wherein ignominious deathawaits discovery, would sit down to regale themselves after havingsecured their booty, with as much composure, as if in their own homes;yet so it is; such is the daring callousness of mind attached to longconfirmed and successful habits of guilt. {1}

 1 Police. Mansion House. --William Johnson was charged by Mr. Miller of Lower Thames Street, on suspicion of having com- mitted a robbery on Thursday night, under circumstances of rather an extraordinary kind. . Mr. Miller's evidence was to the following effect. He has a cut glass and earthenware warehouse in Thames Street, but does not reside there. Upon visiting his warehouse yesterday morning, he found that thieves had been very busy upon the concern the night before. They did not get much, but while they were in the house they enjoyed themselves. They lighted a fire, and paid a visit to the wine-cellar, from which they took two bottles of wine and three bottles of perry, which it seemed they drank warm with sugar, and Mr. Miller received a very polite letter from one of them, acknowledging the obligations they were under to him for the excellent beverage his cellar afforded. Upon examining other parts of the premises. Mr. Miller found that his iron chest had been forced open. The instrument (a large chissel) with which this feat was performed was lying on the premises, and a dark lanthorn, which the thieves had forgotten, was also picked up in the course of the search. The petty cash drawers of the iron chest lay open empty, but Mr. Miller believed there had been in them when he left the Warehouse, a sum perhaps not exceeding a couple of pounds. The bills and papers were not taken away, neither had any thing been removed that was likely to be recovered. Some silver cruet-tops were taken, but the cruets were left behind. The chissel, which, though very strong, had been broken in the effort to open the chest, was of the largest size. All the rooms of the building, except those in front, had been visited by the depredators, and there were various circumstances concurring to fix a very strong suspicion on the prisoner, besides the probability that he was the writer of the letter "of thanks" to Mr. Miller for the entertainment afforded. The letter, which was written in a good hand, began with the word "Gemmen, " and stated that they (the writer and his friends) had called, regretted that there was no "_wassel in the lob_, " (money in the chest) but expressed the highest opinion of the wine, begged pardon for disturbing the papers, and expressed how happy those who drank the wine would be to visit the premises upon a future occasion! The prisoner was remanded. 

~145~~ It sometimes happens that even juvenile depredators who haveimbibed a propensity for liquor, have been caught in the snare thuslaid by themselves. Of this fact Dashall gave the following very curiousillustration. --"A few evenings ago, " said he, "the family of my nextdoor neighbour retired to rest, leaving every thing, as they imagined, in a state of perfect security. On the servant however, coming downstairs in the morning, he was surprised to find a new and unexpectedinmate, fast asleep in the kitchen, a quantity of plate packed up lay byhis side, and before him were a bottle of brandy and another of wine. He was a lad not more than sixteen years of age, who had ingeniouslycontrived, in the nighttime, to get access to the house, and havingsecured his spoil, had resorted to the pantry and wine-cellar forrefreshment. Of the stores from the latter receptacle, he had partakenso liberally that he was thrown into a deep slumber, from which he wasroused by the unwelcome voice of the Officer who had been sent for totake him into custody. "

Our perambulators had now passed along the bridge, and advanced a shortdistance on Blackfriar's road, when they observed a spacious travellingcaravan, stationary by the side of the high way, intimating that therewas to be seen within, the great northern bear, known by the name of"Autocrat of All the Russias, " while a fellow with a speaking tubeinvited in the most alluring terms of itinerant oratory, the gapingmultitude to walk in, --"Walk in, ladies and gentlemen, and beholdthis most wonderous of all wonders that ever was wondered at in thiswonderful world, --the _Ursa major_, --that gives its name to one ofthe constellations, and was taken by a _ruse de guerre_ in one of thehitherto undiscovered deserts of the remotest Siberia! This stupendousanimal was sent from these unknown regions as a present to a certaingreat personage in this country, who having a superabundancy of nativebears already prowling about him, was pleased to order the dismissionof this northern stranger, without a pension; and thus it came into thepossession of its present exhibiter!"

~146~~ This irresistible invitation was accepted by several of theauditory, including the baronet, Dashall, and the Squire, who weregratified beyond their anticipations, with a sight of the great polarbear, the desolate inhabitant of a frigid and dismal clime, whereNature has forbid the vegetative, and stinted the growth of the animalcreation, with the exception of the shaggy wanderer of the desertand the floundering leviathan of the ocean. The animal was perfectlytractable; and its exhibition well compensated both for time andgratuity. 

The proprietor, however, in answer to an enquiry apart by Dashall, acknowledged that his Ursine companion had never been attached to thehousehold of any great personage; although a northern quadruped oflesser interest was under the protection of one of the Royal Dukes andfrequently played its mischievous gambols in the environs of KensingtonPalace. {1}

 1 The Bear at Kensington Palace. Early on Sunday morn-ing it was discovered, that a large black bear, sent as a present to His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex, had contrived to break out of his cage, which was placed in a coach-house, and Bruin, having an inclination to explore these premises, containing a hand-some new chariot, mounted the foot-board, and began to play with the tassels; he next ascended the roof and the box, the covering of which became a prey to his claws; after enjoying himself as an outside passenger, as long as he thought proper, he proceeded to examine the interior of the vehicle, and turning from the box, made his entre through the front windows into the carriage, which bore serious marks of his savage curiosity. No one dared to approach this northern visitor, and in order to prevent further depredations in his probable rambles, guards were placed, with fixed bayonets, until some keepers arrived from a Menagerie, who secured him, after great difficulty, in one of their strong cages. 

CHAPTER X

 "Oh the dear pleasures of the velvet plain, The painted Tablets, deal't and deal't again Cards, with what rapture, and the polish'd die The yawning chasm of indolence supply. Then to the Dance and make the sober moon Witness of joys that shun the sight of noon. Blame cynic if you can, quadrille or ball, The snug close party, or the splendid hall, "Where night down stooping from her ebon throne Views constellations brighter than her own. 'Tis innocent and harmless, and refined, The balm of care, elysium of the mind. "

~147~~ THE rapid succession of novelty in a Life in London where thescenes like those of a Pantomime are constantly changing

 "From grave to gay, from lively to severe, "

scarcely required those attentions which the Hon. Tom Dashall continuedto enjoy on the score of arrangements for the gratification andinformation of his cousin. He was ever watchful of opportunities tofurnish new views of Real Life and character to Tallyho, and who neverfailed to profit by his observations upon Men and manners: for Tom, notwithstanding the gaiety of his disposition, was an acute anddiscerning companion, who having mingled in all ranks and degrees ofSociety, was able to associate himself with the high or the low, ascircumstances might require, and to form tolerably accurate estimates ofthose by whom he was surrounded. 

It was, therefore, with his usual view to the accomplishment of hiscousin as a votary of Real Life in London, that he had proposed a visitto a fancy dress Ball at Almack's, and preparations had accordingly beenmade between them. 

"A Fancy dress Ball, " said Tom, in order to give his cousin an ideaof the entertainment he was to partake, "bears some similitude to aMasquerade, with two important exceptions: first, Masks are not general;and second, ~148~~ No practical Jokes are expected or admitted. Dresshowever, is left wholly to the taste or inclination of the visitors, andthe amusements consist principally of dancing and cards. The Rooms areof the most splendid description, and the company generally of the firstorder; combining all that is elegant and fashionable in what is termedthe higher ranks of society, --'Tis said

[Illustration: page148 Almacks]

 "If once to Almacks you belong, Like monarchs you can do no wrong. But banish'd thence on Wednesday night, By Jove you can do nothing right. I hear (perhaps the story false is, ) From Almacks, that he never waltzes With Lady Anne or Lady Biddy, Twirling till he's in Love, or giddy. The girl a pigmy, he a giant, His cravat stiff, her corset pliant. There, while some jaded couple stops, The rest go round like humming tops. Each in the circle with its neighbour Sharing alternate rest and labour; While many a gentle chaperon As the fair Dervises spin on, Sighs with regret that she was courted, Ere this new fashion was imported. Ere the dull minuet step had vanished, . With jigs and country scrapers banished. 

 But ---- whose energy relaxes No more revolves upon his axis, As sounds of cymbal and of drum Deep clanging from the orch'tra come, And round him moves in radiance bright Some beauteous beaming sattelite. Nor ventures as the night advances, On a new partner in French dances, Nor his high destiny fulfilling Through all the mazes of quadrilling, Holds, lest the figure should be hard Close to his nose a printed card, Which for their special use invented, To beaus on entrance is presented. A strange device one must allow, But useful as it tells them how To foot it in their proper places, Much better than their partners faces. 

 Mark how the married and the single, In yon gay groupes delighted mingle: Midst diamonds blazing, tapers beaming, Midst Georges, Stars, and Crosses gleaming. We gaze on beauty, catch the sound Of music, and of mirth around. And discord feels her empire ended At Almacks--or at least suspended. "

"Zounds, " said Dashall, "I am happy to see the Rooms so well attendedthis evening, and particularly to find Mr. Maitland and his two lovelysisters. Do you observe, " continued he, "that Gentleman in Regimentalson the opposite side?"

"I do, and is he in the Army?" enquired Bob "No, " replied Tom, "that isonly an assumed character for the Evening, but I must introduce you tothem, though the Ladies are considered to be sharp shooters with theireyes, therefore it will be necessary for you to be on your guard. "

 "I've heard that by a single glance Strange witchery is sometimes done, And only by a look askance, Ladies have many a lover won. "

The elegant and tasteful illuminations of the Room, the sprightly soundof the music by a well selected band, and the gay movements of the welldressed circles, were attractive in the mind of Tallyho, and alternatelyrivetted his attention, while his cousin was as frequently addressed andcongratulated by his friends. 

"My Dear Tom, " said Maitland, who was lounging round the Room with histwo sisters, and who seemed to consider himself the rose of the party bythe affected levity of a military character, "I am glad to seeyou--'pon Honor--just going to make up a quadrille--know you are a gooddancer--list you in my Corps with Misa Maitland's permission--but can'tbe denied 'pon Honor. "

"That is very gallant, truly, " replied a lovely and interesting girl, his eldest sister. "With my permission, and yet he won't be denied. "

"If Miss Maitland were to command, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "denialwere impossible, disobedience were disgrace and dishonor. "--bowingpolitely to the Ladies. 

"Vastly pretty indeed Mr. Dashall, and to speak the truth I am very gladto find you here; for you know my brother is but a nobody, except whenhe shews himself off in Regimentals:" replied Miss Maitland. 

~150~~ "Aye, and we want somebody to talk to, " continued her sister. 

"'Pon my word, this is strange ill usage, " said Maitland. -"I shalldesert. "

"Nay, " said Tom, "there is no need of that: but if you do, the ladiesshall not be deserted while I have a hand at their service, and Ibelieve I may venture to offer additional protection on the part of myCousin. "

Bob nodded assent, and assured the party he was proud of the honorof the introduction; while Maitland eyed him from top to toe, and washeartily laughed at by his sisters, which not a little mortified him. 

"If that's the case, " said he, taking out his quizzing-glass, andstaring each of them in the face in succession, "why I've nothing moreto say upon it, so come along, I am anxious for a dance. " The musicjust at the moment striking off, a Quadrille was formed, but the youngersister having declined dancing, Bob, who had no great inclinationto "trip it on the light fantastic toe, " had a good opportunity offollowing her example, and during the dance they amused themselves withobservations on the dresses and manners of the company before them, inthe course of which he discovered that Maitland was something of thefashionable insipid, and not very high in the general estimation of theLadies, and the contrast between the easy and graceful movements of theHon. Tom Dashall, with those of Maitland braced up in military uniform, and dancing with the stiffness of a Halbert, afforded them highamusement, it brought to Tallyho's recollection a French Dancing Masterin the country, who, upon the occasion of his annual Ball, perceiving agentleman and lady in person and figure perfectly contrasted, the latterbeing short and stout, and the former tall and thin, addressed theGentleman in the following complimentary stile, as well as his brokenEnglish would admit, "Ma dear sare--bien obligé--ah! ma goot sare--youvill do me the honneur to lead off de next dance--you do dance as de_Poker_, and your Lady she do dance as de _Butter fierke_"--(meaninga butter firkin. ) The allusions were exactly in point, and the companywithin hearing, did not suffer the sarcasm to escape unnoticed. How farthe observations were well timed by the dancing master, or well receivedby the loving couple, is not our business here to enquire. 

~151~~ Miss Caroline Maitland was about 20 years of age, of a mostprepossessing and engaging form, fond of dress and full of vivacity withno mean conception of her own wit or captivating powers, her attirewas elegant and shewy, almost approaching to the gaudy, rather than theselection of refined Taste and Judgment. 

Miss Amelia was about 19 with features calculated to make conquestcertain where the attack was not made on hearts of stone, the simplemodesty of her wardrobe seemed rather to indicate the thoughtful andcontemplative mind, rich in its own resources, and requiring no foil torender conspicuous its real value, her auburn locks parted in the front, discovered a fine well arched forehead, from under which dartedglances from her beautiful dark eyes, that when purposely directed forobservation, spoke volumes to the heart. Unadorned by the featherswhich waved in majestic splendor over the temples of her sister asshe threaded through the mazy windings of the dance, she attractedthe attention of the company in a much greater degree than thedress-delighted Caroline. Her figure was neither well nor ill formed, but the open and animated expression of her countenance, together withthe graces of her mind, would in the opinion of all judicious thinkers, have been considered as a compensation for the absence of beautifulform. Her whole appearance however, was not only pleasing, it wasprepossessing, while her manners and conversation were captivating. Bobgazed and admired, listened and was charmed. 

The Hon. Tom Dashall was at the same time fully occupied in hisattentions to the other sister, but could not occasionally help a slyglance at Bob, indicative of the pleasure he derived from seeing hiscousin thus engaged. 

The Quadrille being over, "Come, " said Col. Maitland, "we must go andhave a peep at the Card Tables, and enquire how the cash moves, for youknow if your aunt is losing her money, she will be as cross as the----"

"Silence Charles, " said his sister, "remember you have no occasion tomake such observations here, why you might almost as well entertain uswith a pedigree of the family, as expose the tempers and dispositionsof your relations; besides I am sure the party alluded to would feelherself very much offended to hear such conversation in a Ball room. It is neither a fit time or place;"--and with ~152~~ this, each ofhis sisters seizing an arm, led him towards the Card Room, alternatelyschooling him as they passed along, and leaving our Heroes to draw theirown conclusions from what had occurred. 

"Thus it is, " said Tom, "that a Commander in the field is obliged to bean obedient in the Ball Room, he is however a very poor creature at thebest of times, and depends more upon the abilities of others than hisown for the appearance he makes in the world, and is rather to be lookedat than admired and esteemed. Here, " continued he, "I shall have anopportunity of introducing you to a character of another kind, here ismy friend Dick Distich, a logger of Rhyme, a poet and a contemplativephilosopher, he is recently married, but appears to be without his rib. "

"My dear friend Dashall, " exclaimed a tall thin man advancing andcatching him by the hand, "I am glad to see you, for I am bewildered andlost. "

"Good, " replied Tom, "then I am very glad to have found you, what isthe Reward--are you advertised--are your manuscripts stolen, or is yourLibrary on Fire? Has the good woman brought forth twins or disappointedyour hopes?"

"Walk this way, " replied the other, "you are a happy fellow, alwaysgamesome and gay, but I know you have a fellow feeling for all mankind, and will pour the balm of pity into a wounded heart. "

"Zounds, " said Tom, "you attack a body with a mouthful of pity, and aheart full of wounds at a strange time, for the introduction of suchsubjects. What can you mean, probably you appear here as the knight of'the woeful countenance, with a determination to support the characterto the end of the chapter. Why you look as melancholy as a mute, and onewould almost fancy you were making a funeral visit, instead of attendinga Mask'd

"I have enough to make me so, " was the reply, "I shall be brief in mynarrative, in order that I may not interfere with your enjoyments, andyou know that mine are of another kind. I am routed from home. "--

"How do you mean?"

"Thus it is then, you know I am a plain man, a quiet man, a civil andhumble man. I hate Balls and Routs, but my wife and I differ in taste. She has determined ~153~~ on having a Rout at home, and it proves nomisnomer with me, for Heaven knows they rout me from Study to DrawingRoom, from Drawing Room to Chamber, and all because truly my littlewoman must have her party. "

"And why not?" enquired Tom. 

"Why man for this reason, you must know I had myself the sweetestlittle sanctuary in the world. I had gothicised my Study, its wallswere painted in imitation of oak, my books were arranged with themost unauthor-like neatness, my prints hung, my casts and models allbracketed, and all have vanished like the

 --baseless fabric of a vision. "

"And is this your misery, " said Tom, "upon my soul I began to think youhad lost your wife; but it seems you have only lost your wits. What thedevil did you expect when you joined issue--to live as you have donelike a hermit in a cell? Well if this is all I do pity you indeed. "

"But you have not heard half yet. The whole house is transformed. "

"And I think you ought to be reformed, " continued Tom. 

Notwithstanding the lightness and satire with which our Hero appeared totreat the subject, poor Distich was not to be stayed in his course. 

"Ah!" said he, with a sigh, "In vain did Cicero strain his neck topeep over Burke on the Sublime and Beautiful--Shakespeare beard Blair'sSermons and Humphrey Glinkert or Milton's sightless balls gleam over SirWalter Scott's Epics--all, all, is chaos and misrule. Even my greenhouseover my head which held three ci-devant pots of mignonette, one decayedmirtle, a soi-disant geranium and other exotics, which are to springout afresh in the summer--my shrubs are clapped under my couch, andmy evergreens stuck over the kitchen fire place, are doomed to thisunpropitious hot-bed, in order to make room for pattens, clogs, cloaks, and shawls, for all the old maids in Town. "

Tom bit his lip to stifle a laugh, and treading lightly on the toe ofhis cousin, had so strongly excited Tallyho's risibility, that it waswith difficulty he resisted the momentary impulse. 

The routed Benedict continued--"Our Drawing Room, ~154~~whichconveniently holds ten persons, is to be the black hole for thirty--Mystudy, dear beloved retreat, where sonnets have been composed and novelswritten--this spot which just holds me and my cat, is to be the scene ofbagatelle, commerce, or any thing else that a parcel of giggling girlsmay chuse to act in it, --my statues are converted--Diabolus is made tohold a spermaceti candle, while the Medicean nymph, my Apollo Belvidere, and my dancing fawn, being too bulky to move, are adorned with apronsof green silk, because forsooth Betty says they are vastly undecent withnothing on them, and my wife is quite certain "that no one will visitus, unless we do as other people do. " Alas! until the success of my lastpoem, we never cared about other people, and I am now absolutely turnedout, to make room for them, and advised to come here to-night in orderto prepare myself for the approaching festivity. "

Dashall was unable to contain himself longer, and Bob, who had been forsome time stuffing his white cambric handkerchief into his mouth, couldno longer resist the laugh he had been trying to avoid. They look'dalternately at each other, and then at the doleful complainant, who withunaltered features sat for a moment between his laughing companions, till perceiving the ridiculous situation he was in, he rose from hisseat and hastily left the room. 

Our friends then took a further survey of the company without makingany additional remark except upon the view of the various elegant andtasteful dresses exhibited, the grace and agility of the dancers, andthe brilliance of the decorations, when supper was announced. 

Moving onward to the Supper Room, they again encountered poor Distich, who although he had no relish for the generality of the amusements, declared he would not quit till he had supped: after which, Tomdetermined if possible to drive away the blue devils, who seemed tohave occupied his brain. For this purpose he listened to his additionalcomplaints, and filling his glass at every pause, became lively andagreeable, as the toast was circulated, till the invigorating effectsof the bottle sunk him again, and at length putting him into a hackneycoach, they dispatched him in good order to his Rib; after which theytook their departure towards Piccadilly. ~155~~

CHAPTER XI

 "I be one of they sailors who think 'tis no lie That for every wherefore there should be a why, That by fortune's strange weather a calm or a squall, Our births, good or bad are chalk'd out for us all: That the stays and the braces of Life will be found To be some of 'em rotten, and some of 'em sound. Thus the good we should cherish, the bad never seek, For death will too soon bring each anchor apeak. "

IT was half past eleven o'clock before our friends approaching thebreakfast parlour, had an opportunity of congratulating each other onthe amusements of the previous evening, when the Hon. Tom Dashall everupon the active look-out for the most pleasureable amusements to occupythe mind and attention of his cousin, observing it was a very tinemorning, proposed a ride to Greenwich, and with this object in view allbeing prepared, it was not long before they were seated in the curricle. 

"Greenwich, " said Tom, "is not a very long journey, nor do I know, speaking of the town itself, independent of its surrounding attractions, particularly to be admired, though it is a neat town, about five milesfrom London Bridge, in the county of Kent, with a market on Wednesdaysand Saturdays. It is however, famous for an hospital for decayed Seamen, the brave defenders of their native soil, who have fought and bled fortheir king and country; thought to be the finest structure of the kindin the world, and for an observatory built by Charles II. On the summitof a hill, called Flamstead Hill, from the great astronomer of thatname, who was here the first astronomer Royal: and we compute thelongitude from the meridian of this place. It is also a place of greatresort at holiday time, for being so near London. The Lads and Lassesmove off in groups to Greenwich fair, and the amusements at those timesare of so varying a kind as almost to defy description. 

 "The hills and dales are lined With pretty girls all round. "

~156~~And there are but few who have had an opportunity, but haveoccasionally enjoyed a roll down this hill. The roads leading to thesporting spot are to be seen clogged with coaches, carts, and waggons, decorated with laurel, and filled with company, singing their way downor up to participate in the frolics of Greenwich fair. It is however, much more celebrated for its once having been a Royal Palace, in whichEdward VI. Died, and Queen Mary and Queen Elizabeth were born. On a partof the site of it, now stands the house belonging to the Ranger of thePark at Greenwich, also a College called the Duke of Norfolk's College, for the maintenance of 20 decayed Housekeepers, and another called QueenElizabeth's, as well as a Royal Naval asylum for the orphans of Sailorsand Marines; and although we are going down when there is no fair toattract multitudes to the spot, I can still promise you more solidentertainment in a review of these truly splendid and useful nationalestablishments, besides which, the town affords plenty of goodaccommodation for refreshment and comfort. "

By this time they had passed Westminster Bridge on their road. Bobthanked his cousin for the information he had imparted, but as theobjects and subjects directly under his eye generally engrossed hisimmediate attention, he could not resist the impulse of the moment, as they turned the corner of the asylum wall, to remark that he hadwitnessed in many instances before, a practice which appeared in andabout London, of chalking the walls, and perceiving in large letters"Dr. Eady 32 Dean Street Soho, " enquired what was meant by it. 

"That, " replied his cousin, "is one of the most ingenious modes ofadvertising, hit upon in the Metropolis, and the Doctor at all eventsdeserves credit for the industry and perseverance he has manifestedin making his name known. It is not altogether new, for it has beensuccessfully practiced in popular elections. Men are sent out at nightto chalk the names of Candidates on walls and other places, to keeptheir interest alive; but in all probability no one has ever beforecarried the system to so great a length as this Doctor Eady, for itis scarcely possible to travel ten miles round the metropolis withoutmeeting with his name, which naturally excites enquiry into the objectand pretensions of the chalked up Hero. You will also find in many casesthat the proprietor of the Bonassus has ~157~~lately adopted the samesystem. It is a species of puffing which can hardly fail of producingnotoriety, and I have before observed, it matters but little to theparties themselves by what means this is produced save and except theavoidance of expence. "

"It is a curious scheme however, " replied Bob, "and I have two or threetimes before intended to enquire its meaning. "

"There are numerous instances, " returned Tom, "in which theeccentricities of an individual have blown him into notice, and puff'dfortune into his pocket. Packwood of Gracechurch street, had many whimsand fancies, and acted upon the idea, that when a man's name is once up, he may go to bed, or take a nod elsewhere. By making razor strops anda certain paste for sharpening razors, he pasted his name on publiccredulity, and pocketed the proceeds. His advertisements were frequentlylaughable, and he caught his customers in their risible moments, wiselytaking care never to laugh himself, 'till he had realized the possibles. I remember in the year 1807, he published a book, price "Two good Towershillings, " containing his advertisements, entitled "Packwood's whim, Packwoodiana, or the Goldfinches nest, or the way to get money and behappy. " And to make the publication worth the money, and that theremight be no grumbling, An half crown was according to the title-page, placed between the leaves. "

"That was no laughing matter, however, " said Bob, "he could not have gotrich by such means. "

"You must not trust the title-pages of books, " replied Tom, "no morethan the advertisements of Quacks, or the looks of persons. The halfcrown was not visible, or at least not tangible. It proved to be ananecdote related in the work. He however managed to circulate manycopies, and it is generally understood, gained considerable money by hispursuits. He has left the benefit of his invention to his daughter, whonow lives in Bride Lane, Fleet Street. But a more prominent character ofrecent times was the late celebrated Martin Van Butchell, whose name andfame are well known to Newspaper readers, and whose personal appearanceat all times, excited in London the attention of the spectators. He wasrather a tall man with a very long beard, and used to ride a short ponysometimes, spotted all over with a variety of colours. "

~158~~ "He must have cut a curious figure, " said Bob, "certainly, butwhat building have we here?"

"That, " replied his communicative cousin, "is The New Bethlem for thecare and cure of lunatics. Bethlem was formerly situated on the Southside of Moorfields, but as that building was hastening to decay, thiselegant receptacle for its inmates has been prepared. It is not a littlecurious to remark, that it now occupies a part of that ground which wasformerly devoted to mirth and revelry, The Dog and Duck Tea Gardens, the scene of many a frolic. The structure was designed by Mr. Lewis, andexecuted at an expence of £95, 000. It is 580 feet in length, and capableof receiving in this front 200 patients. Another line of buildingextending to the South, is designed to admit an equal number, as well as60 lunatics, the charge of which latter department, exclusively belongsto Government. The ground around it, occupying twelve acres, is devotedto the exercise of the patients. "

They were now dashing along the road towards the Elephant and Castle, when Bob was attracted by the appearance of the Philanthropic Chapel andSchool, which his cousin dismissed in a few words, by observing it wasthe school of reform, which he had alluded to, when last in the vicinityof Blackfriars, and which deserved more attention than he could justthen give it. So touching up the tits in prime twig, they pushed on tothe originally proposed place of destination. 

Having arrived at Greenwich, and partaken of some refreshment, ourheroes proceeded immediately to the Hospital; the magnificent appearanceof which had an evident effect upon Tallyho, as he gazed upon itsexterior, and some of its venerable inhabitants taking their peaceablewalks before it, while others were seated on accommodating benches, viewing the vessels passing up and down the river. 

"Why, " said Bob, "this Hospital is more like a Palace. "

"It is, " replied Tom, "a noble monument of National gratitude to itsdefenders, who deserve to be protected and assisted when disabled forservice. Here the lame, the wounded, and the aged, are enabled to spinout the thread of a useful existence, in comfortable retirement. Itwas founded by William and Mary for invalid seamen, and many anold Commodore and gallant hardy Tar is ~159~~ preserved in thisestablishment, after being doused from his pins, to puff old sorrow awayand sing, "Yet still I am enabled To bring up in life's rear, Although I'm quite disabled And lie in Greenwich tier. The King, God bless his Majesty, Who sav'd me from the main, I'll praise with Love and Loyalty, But ne'er to sea again. "

"You perceive, " continued he, "that the costume of the place is a suitof blue, with proper distinctions of rank and station allotted to each. "

"But, " inquired Bob, "some of them appear to have their coats turnedinside out; is that according to choice?"--"Not so, " replied Tosi, "that is a mark of disgrace, by way of punishment, for some errors orimproprieties of which they have been guilty; and there are some, inspite of misfortune, who cannot forget former times, and occasionallyverify the words of the song--

 "So in misfortune's school grown tough, In this same sort of knowledge, Thinking mayhap I'd had enough, They sent me here to College. 

 And here we tell old tales and smoke, And laugh while we are drinking; Sailors, you know, will have their joke, E'en though the ship were sinking. 

 For I while I get grog to drink My wife, or friend, or King in, 'Twill be no easy thing, I think, D---- me to spoil my singing. "

And although used to severe discipline on board a ship, they dosometimes forget what they are subject to here, and "slip the cable uponan ocean of grog, " grow dizzy over the binnacle, unship the rudder, losetheir calculations, and stand too far out to sea to reach the intendedPort; but more of this presently. You perceive this magnificentstructure consists of four grand buildings, completely separatedfrom each other; yet forming a very entire and most beautifulplan--especially viewed from the river, which runs in the front of it. Here the comforts and ~160~~ conveniences of the hardy veterans, whohave faced the enemies of their country in many fearful encounters, arestudied, when they can no longer give the word of command, or answerit in such active services. The four different buildings you now see, contain accommodations for bed and board for about 2600 persons ofdifferent ranks and stations; and you may perceive by those you havebefore you, that the ranks they have formerly held in his Majesty'semploy are still visible in their outward habiliments. "

They were now in the centre of the building, approaching the edge ofthe Thames, on whose bosom were seen sundry small vessels, gliding inmajestic pride; and perceiving a seat capable of holding four or fivepersons, in the corner of which sat an old weather-beaten tar, ina gold-laced hat and coat, with a wooden leg, who was watching withapparent delight one of the larger vessels, with all her sails set tocatch the breeze; they took a seat alongside of him. 

"Come, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "we may here at «ase survey theexertions of such as still retain the power, and contemplate thecomforts of those who no longer have powers to exert. " The Pensionerremained in mute attention to the moving scene on the river, occasionally smiling and squirting from his jaws the accumulatingessence of his quid, seeming at the same time to enjoy in retrospectionscenes similar to what he had formerly been engaged in, but withoutbestowing one look on our Heroes. "There is a fine fresh breeze down theriver, " continued Tom, addressing the wooden legged warrior; and then apause ensued--but no reply. 

"It is a beautiful situation for retirement in old age, " said Bob. "Ishould think, Sir, " said he, "that you must be very comfortable underthis protecting roof, " determined, if possible, to elicit something fromthe hardy old Pensioner, approaching a little closer to him, and at thesame time to take his attention, respectfully moving his hat. 

Tins address, however, was received with nearly the same effect as theprevious observations, except that the veteran moved his hat in return. "He is a churlish old blade, " said Tom; thinking by this remark to rouseand animate the blood of their taciturn companion. --"There seems to beno intelligence in him. Pray, Sir, " continued he, "may I be so bold asto inquire, laying his hand upon ~161~~ his knee, what is the name ofthat vessel on which you appear to bestow so many anxious looks?"

Roused by the touch, he darted a hasty look at Tom, and then at Bob, started hastily from his seat, held up his stick, as they supposed, ina menacing attitude, then shouldering it, he marched, or rather hobbled, on his wooden pin some paces from them, and, with an air of commandingauthority, returned in front of them, took off his hat, and beganto describe two lines on the gravel, but which was to them perfectlyunintelligible. 

However, in a few minutes, the arrival of a younger Pensioner, with onearm and a wooden stump, in breathless haste, informed them that the oldgentleman was deaf and dumb. 

"God bless you, my worthy masters, " said the interpreter, who firstpaid his respects to the old Commodore, "you have started my reveredcommander on his high ropes; he is as deaf as the top-lights, and asdumb as a stantion: two and twenty years ago, your Honors, he and Iwere both capsized together on board; the shot that took off his legsplintered my arm, and the doctor kindly took it off for me afterwards. "

"That was a lamentable day for you, " said Tom. "Why aye, for the matterof that there, d'ye see, it disabled us from sarvice, but then we bothof us had some consolation, for we have never been separated since:besides, we were better off than poor Wattie the cook, who had his headtaken off by a chain-shot, and was made food for sharks, while we areenabled to stump about the world with the use of our remaining limbs, and that there's a comfort, you know. "

During this introductory conversation, the old Commodore was intentupon the work he had began, which, upon inquiry, was a sort of practicaldescription of the situation in which the ships were placed at theperiod when he lost his limb. "He is now pouring in a broadside, and inimagination enjoying a part of his life over again. It is a sorry sight, my worthy Sirs, and yet upon the whole it is a cheerful one, to see anold man live his time over again; now he is physicing them with

grape-shot--Bang--Bang--like hail--my eyes how she took it--Go it again, my boys, said the old Commodore--Ditto repeated, as the Doctor used tosay. D----m the Doctor; the words were scarcely out of his mouth, whendown he ~162~~ went; and as I stood alongside him, ready to attend tohis orders, I was very near being sent down the hatchway stairs withoutassistance; for the same shot that doused my old master, carried away myarm just here. --" D----me, " said the old man, to his brave crew, as theycarried us down to the cockpit--"I shall never forget it as long asI live--That was a pepperer--Once more, my boys, and the day's yourown. --My eyes, he had hardly said the words, before--Bang, bang, wentour bull dogs--and sure enough it was all over. They cried Piccavi, andwent to the Doctor; but after that I know no more about the matter--wewere a long while before we got the better of our wounds; and as forhim, he has never spoken since--and as to hearing, I believe he neverwished to hear any more, than that the enemies of his country had got agood drubbing. "

By this time the old gentleman having gone through his manouvres, with perhaps as much accuracy as my Uncle Toby did the siege ofDendermond--having blown up the enemy with a flourish of his stick, madea profound bow, and hobbled away. --"Thank you, my friend, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "for your information; we should never have understoodhim without your assistance, for which accept of this, and our bestwishes--giving him a couple of half-crowns, with which, after thankingthe donors, he made the best of his way in search of the old Commodore, who put our heroes forcibly in mind of the following lines:

 "What a d----d bad time for a seaman to sculk, Under gingerbread hatches on shore; What a d----d hard job that this battered old hulk, Can't be rigg'd out for sea once more. "

"Thus you see, " said Dashall, "how our habits become rooted in us: theold Commodore, though unable to give the word of command, or to hear thethunder of the cannon, still lives in the midst of the battle, becomeswarmed and animated by the imaginary heat of the engagement, and

 "Thrice he routed all his foes, And thrice he slew the slain. "

"But come, we will now proceed to a view of the Chapel, the PaintedHall, and the other curiosities of the ~163~~ interior; which done, wewill take our refreshment at the Crown, and pursue our way home. "

They now took another cursory survey of this magnificent pile ofbuildings, the grandeur and effect of which is scarcely to be imagined;the beauty and variety being heightened by the grand square, and thearea beyond terminating with a view of the Observatory, which stands ona hill in Greenwich Park. 

Tallyho was next delighted with a view of the Chapel, which is 111feet long, and 52 broad, and capable of conveniently accommodating 1000Pensioners, nurses, and boys, exclusive of pews for the Directors, theseveral officers of the establishment, &c--The altar-piece, painted byWest, representing The escape of St. Paul from Shipwreck on the Islandof Malta, and the paintings between the cornice and the ceiling ofthe Ascension, by the same artist, claimed particular attention. Thesplendid decorations of the Great Hall, with its variety of paintingsand statues, were also objects of peculiar admiration, the effect ofwhich must be seen to be duly appreciated. After these gratifications, according to the proposal of Dashall, they retired, to the Crown, wherehaving partaken of à good dinner, and a glass of wine, they returned totown, fully satisfied with their excursion, and arrived in Piccadillywithout any occurrence worthy of further remark. 

CHAPTER XII

 And have you not heard of a jolly young Waterman, At Blackfriar's Bridge who is used still to ply! Who feathers his oars with such skill and dexterity. 

 Winning each heart, and delighting each eye: He looks So neat, and he rows so steadily, The maidens all flock to his boat so readily, And he eyes the young rogues with so charming an air That this Waterman ne'er is in want of a fare. 

~164~~ IT was in one of those inviting mornings, mild and temperate, that Dashall and Tallyho, lounged along Piccadilly, observant of passingevents, and anticipating those of more interest which might occur inthe course of another day devoted to the investigation of Real Life inLondon. 

The street already exhibited its usual bustle. The early coaches wererattling along on their way to their respective inns, loaded withpassengers, inside and out, from the western parts of the country; theponderous waggon, the brewer's dray, and not less stunning din of thelighter and more rapid vehicles, from the splendid chariot to the humbletax-cart, combined to annoy the auricular organs of the contemplativeperambulator, and together with the incessant discord of the dust-bell, accompanied by the hoarse stentorian voice of its athletic artist, induced Squire Tallyho to accelerate his pace, in order to escape, as hesaid, "this conspiration of villainous sounds, " more dissonant than thatof his hounds at fault, and followed by his friend Dashall, slackenednot his speed, until he reached the quietude of the new street leadingto the King's Palace, in Pall Mall. 

In Regent Place (at the extremity of this fine street) the two friendspaused in admiration of the noble pile of buildings, which had on thisnew interesting spot so rapidly risen, as if by the direction of thatnecromantic and nocturnal architect, the Genius of the Wonderful Lamp. 

~165~~ "Until lately, Carlton House, or more properly, now the King'sPalace, was hid from observation, and the Royal view, in front of hisprincely mansion, was bounded to the opposite side of the way, thedistance of a few yards only; now the eye enjoys a perspective glanceof a spacious and magnificent street, terminating in a handsome publicedifice, and yet terminating in appearance only, for here the newimprovements sweep shortly to the left, and our attention is attractedto a superb circus, or quadrant, from whence without further deviation, Regent Street continues in lengthened magnificence, until it unitesitself in affinity of grandeur with Great Portland Place. "

Thus far had Dashall proceeded, when the Squire expressed his surprisethat the new street had not been so planned as to lead, in one directand uninterrupted line, from Pall Mall to its ultimate termination. 

"Then indeed, " answered his friend, "it would have been one of thefinest streets in the world. " "Here too, " continued the Squire, "is amanifest deficiency in Regent Place, there is a vacuum, it ought to besupplied with something, be it what it may, for the eye to rest on. "

"True, and your idea has been anticipated. One of the most interestingamongst the antiquities of Egypt, the column known as Cleopatra'sNeedle{1} is destined to raise

 1 CLEOPATRA'S NEEDLE. 

 The Court of Common Council + Fogrum, Botlieram, Gotham, &c. A full meeting. 

 Fog. (Laying down a newspaper. ) The City should be told of it. --They say That Cleopatra's Needle's to be stuck In front of Carlton House!

 Got. They'll make the square A pin-cushion. 

 Bot. No! worse--a needle-case. Has my Lord Sidmouth sent no letter yet To my Lord Mayor!--It should be pasted up. 

 Fog. 'Tis said the Deptford Sheer-hulk has been cleared Of all its vagabonds, to bring it here. 

 Hot. This beats Whitechapel hollow. What's its weight?

 Fog. About three hundred tons. 

 Bot. All solid steel? A pond'rous weapon for a lady's handling!

 Fog. No, stone with scratches on't; and here they say They're making five-mile telescopes to read them!

 But. Zounds! what a strapping hand she must have had! Who was the sempstress?

 Fog. Sir, a giantess, About ten thousand yards--without her shoes, Her thimble has been guessed, tho' rotten now, To fill the place they call the Lake of Maris, By Alexandria!--Nay, the noseless tilings That sit upon their tails in Russell Street, Were Cleopatra's pebbles, taws and dolls!

 Bot. Why, what a monstrous thread she must have used!

 Fog. The Chronicle here says--a patent twist Of elephants' legs, and dromedaries' spines, And buffaloes' horns!

 Got. What was her favourite work?

 Fog. (Rising majestically) Sir, she sewed pyramids!

 All lift their hands and eyes in silence. --The Council adjourns. 

~166~~ its lofty summit in Regent Place, and the western will shortlyoutrival the eastern wonder of the metropolis. {1}

 1 The Monument. 

 "Where London's column pointing to the skies, Like a tall bull! lifts its head and lies. "

"By the bye, let us once more extend our excursion to the Monument, theday is delightful, and the atmosphere unclouded. We will approximate theskies, and take a bird's-eye view of the metropolis. " In conformitywith this suggestion the Squire submitted himself to the guidance ofhis friend, and an aquatic trip being agreed on, they directed theirprogress to Spring Garden Gate, and thence across the Park, towardsWestminster Bridge. 

"A boat, a boat, your honour, " vociferated several clamorous watermen, all in a breath; of whose invitation Dashall took not any notice; "Ihate importunity, " he observed to his friend. Passing towards the stairshe was silently but respectfully saluted by a modest looking young man, without the obtrusive offer of service. --"Trim your boat, my lad, "this was the business of a moment; "now pull away and land us at theShades--'of Elysium, '" said the Squire, terminating the instructionsrather abruptly, of the amphibious conveyancer. "I am rather at a lossto know, " said the waterman, "where that place is, but if your honorsincline to the Shades at London Bridge, I'll row you there in thetwirling of a mop-stick. " "The very spot, " said Dashall, and thewaterman doffing his jacket, and encouraged to freedom by the familiarmanner of the two strangers, ~167~~ plied his oars lustily, humming, incadence, the old song:

 "I was, d'ye see a waterman, As tight and blythe as any, 'Twixt Chelsea town and Horsley-down, I gain'd an honest penny. "

They now glided pleasantly on the serene bosom of the Thames, andenjoyed, in mute admiration, the beauties of a variegated prospect, which, if equalled, is at least not excelled by any other in theuniverse. On either side of this noble river, a dense mass of buildingspresented itself to the eye, and as the buoyant vehicle proceeded, the interest of the varying scene increased in progressive proportion. Thousands of barges skirted the margin of the lordly stream, and seemedlike dependant vassals, whose creation and existence were derived fromand sustained by the fiat of old father Thames; and imagination mightwell pourtray the figure of the venerable parent of this magnificentstream regulating its rippling wave, and riding, in the triumph of regalsway, over his spacious domains. The grandeur of the public edificeson the left, the numerous indications of art on the right, the activeindustry on both sides, and the fairy-like boats of pleasurableconveyance gliding to and fro', and shooting, in the distance, throughone or other of the lofty arches of Waterloo Bridge, produced an effectimposingly grand, and was dwelt upon by our hero of Belville Hall, particularly with mingled sensations of surprise, admiration, anddelight. 

Silence had prevailed for some time, with the exception of the waterman, who now and then carroll'd a stanza responsive to the stroke of the oar, when the attention of his fare was drawn towards him. 

"You seem to enjoy a merry life, my good friend, " said the Squire. 

"Ay, ay, your honour, God bless you, why should not I? At my poor home, and your honour knows that the cottage of the peasant is equally dear tohim as is the Palace to the Prince, there is my old woman, with her fivelittle ones, all looking forward to the happiness of seeing me in theevening, after the labours of the day; and to feel that one is caredfor by somebody, is a sweet consolation, amidst all our toils, --besides, your honour, the old times are partly come round again; half-a-crownwill go farther, aye, thrice-told, now, than it did a few ~168~~yearsago;--then hang sorrow, I am a contented waterman, your honour; sod----n the Pope, long life to King George the Fourth, and success tothe land that we live in!" "Here, " said Dashall, "is an heterogeneousmixture of prejudice, simplicity and good nature. "

"You are but a young man, and cannot long have followed your presentprofession. --Is it from choice that you continue it. "

"Why, your honour, I served an apprenticeship to it, am not long outof my time, and continue it as well from choice as necessity; the firstbecause I like it, and lastly, as our parson says, because in any othersituation I could serve neither my neighbour nor myself. "

By this time the tiny bark had shot the centre arch of Waterloo; and newscenes of interest presented themselves, in ever-varying succession, asthey proceeded towards Blackfriars. Somerset House wore, particularly, an aspect of great and imposing effect, and not less, as they ploughedthe liquid element, was the interest excited, and the reminiscenceof the Squire brought into action by the appearance of the TempleGardens. --The simple, yet neatly laid out green-sward, reminded him ofthe verdant slope on part of his domains at Belville Hall, but here theresemblance finished; a diminutive, although pure and limpid rivuletonly, passed the slope alluded to, and here was a world of waters, intowhich the influx of ten thousand such rivulets would produce no apparentincrease. Amidst these cogitations by the Squire, and others of anunknown description by Dashall, the boat passed underneath Blackfriars'Bridge, and the lofty doom of St. Paul burst upon the view of the twoassociates, with gigantic majesty, and withdrew from their minds everyimpression save that of the towering object in view, superseding theconsideration of all else, either present or retrospective. 

"Rest on your oars, " was the order now given by the two friends, andwhile the waterman implicitly obeyed the mandate, they gazed withenthusiasm, on the stupendous edifice, seen perhaps, to better advantagefrom the river than from any other station, and felt proud intheir affinity to a country and countryman, capable, the former ofinstituting, and the latter of carrying into effect so august anundertaking. {1}

 1 During the building of St. Paul's Church, a country carpenter applied to the Overseer of the workmen for employment as a carver. The Overseer smiling at the man's temerity, hearing he had never worked in London, it was observed by Sir Christopher Wren, who was present, who calling the man to him, asked him what he had chiefly worked at in the country?"Pig-troughs, &c. " was his answer. "Well then, " says Sir Christopher, "let us see a specimen of your workmanship in a sow and pigs. " The man returned in a few days, having performed his part with such exquisite skill, that he was immediately employed; and in tine, executed some of the most difficult parts of the Cathedral, to the great astonishment of all that knew the circumstance. So true it is that genius is often lost in obscurity. 

169~~ Again proceeding on their way, they arrived in a few minutes, atanother amongst the many in the metropolis, of those surprising worksof public utility which reflect the highest honor on the laudableenterprize of the present times, --the Iron Bridge, known as SouthwarkBridge, leading from the bottom of Queen Street, Cheapside tothe Borough. It is constructed of cast-iron, and, from the riverparticularly, presents an appearance of elegance and magnificence;consisting of three arches only, the spacious span of each, stretchingacross the Thames in towering majesty, affords an aquatic vista equallynovel and interesting. 

Gliding on the pacific wave, the "trim-built wherry" now passed underthe lofty elevation of the centre arch; and our observers were struckwith the contrast between the object of their admiration and its ancientneighbour, London Bridge, that "nameless, shapeless bulk of stone andlime, " with its irregular narrow arches, through which the pent-upstream rushes with such dangerous velocity. 

"This gothic hulk, " said the Squire, "is a deformity in the aspect ofthe river. " "And ought at least to be pulled down, if not rebuilt, "added his Cousin. "Even on the principle of economy, the large andincessant expenditure in support of this decayed structure, wouldbe much more profitably applied in the erection of a new bridge ofcorrespondent grandeur with the first metropolis in the universe; butthe citizens seem inclined to protract the existence of this heavyfabric, as a memento of the bad taste of their progenitors. "

 "Full many a gem of purest ray serene, The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, And waste its sweetness in the desert air. '

~170~~ The indefatigable waterman continued to ply his oars, sansintermission, and in a few minutes our two associates in adventurewere safely landed a short distance westward of the bridge. Afterremunerating the waterman, they ascended the stairs with an appetitequickened by the water breeze, and retired into the Shades, close athand, for refreshment, previous to a renewal of their excursion. 

The Shades, near London Bridge, is a house, or rather cellar, muchresorted to by respectable citizens of "sober fame, " induced chiefly bythe powerful attraction of genuine wines, which may here be had eitherdrawn immediately from the wood, and served in regular standard pewtermeasures, or in bottles, also of full measure, containing the purebeverage, of various age and vintages. To these cellars numbers ofthe most respectable mercantile characters adjourn daily; enjoyingthe exhilarating juice of the grape, and further attracted by thepleasantness of situation, as commanding a full view of the river, whence the refreshing breeze is inhaled and enjoyed. 

Here then, our heroes recruited; and while taking their wine, Bob wasmuch gratified by the performance of an itinerant band of musicians, playing outside, some of the latest and most popular airs, in a masterlystyle of execution. "Among other numerous refinements and improvementsof the age, " observed Dashall, "may be considered that of our itinerantmetropolitan musicians, for instead of the vile, discordant and gratinghurdy-gurdy; the mechanical organ grinder, and the cat-gut scraper, "sawing a tune, " we have now parties who form themselves into smallbands of really scientific and able performers, who from instrumentswell selected produce a combination of delightful melody; and thisprogress of harmony is equally evident with respect to vocalists, whofrequently posting themselves opposite some well frequented tavern orcoffee-house, amuse the inmates with catches, glees, duets, &c. Andtrust to the liberal feelings which the "concord of sweet sounds mayhave inspired, for remuneration and encouragement. "

Scarcely had Dashall concluded his remarks, when the musicalparty ceased their instrumental exertions, and, diversifying theentertainment, one of the performers struck up a song, which we herepresent to the reader as a subject not inapplicable to our work. ~171~~

 In London where comical jokes go free, There are comical modes of cheating, Birch-brooms are cut up for Souchong and Bohea, And plaster for bread you are eating! And plaster for bread you are eating!

 (Spoken) "How do you do, Mrs. Caphusalent I hope you approved of the genuine tea. " "O yes, new brooms sweep clean, and I have no occasion to buy birch ones, while I deal at your shop for tea. " "There's nothing like my cheap bread, " says Doughy the baker. "O yes, " says Neddy, "you forget plaster of Paris is very like it. "

 What are you at? each knave may cry, Who feels my honest rhymes; What are you after's? my reply, -- There never were such times! There never were such times!

 In Accum's test you'll find it clear, For spirits of wine read Royal gin! Quashee and drugs they call strong beer, And Turtle soup is Ox's shin! And Turtle soup is Ox's shin!

 (Spoken) "By the powers of Moll Kelly, Mr. Max, but you've murdered my dear friend Patrick O'Shaughnessy, for after taking a noggin of your blue ruin, he went to blow out the candle on stepping into bed, when the poor dear creature went off in a blaze, and set fire to the house. Its all nothing at all but spirits of wine, you bog-trotting swindler!"

 Moist sugar is made from the best red sand, New milk from whiting and water! Sloe juice poisons half the land, And the weights get shorter and shorter! And the weights get shorter and shorter!

 (Spoken) "I hope, " says Mr. Deputy Doublethroat, "you found the port I sent you last of the right sort: six years in bottle, Sir, I warrant it made your heart glad. " "You mean my bowels sad, Mr. Deputy. Out of six friends whom I invited to partake of it four have already been booked inside passengers for the other world, and my dear Mrs. Fribble and me have been confined with inflammation ever since. Instead of importer of foreign wines, Mr. Deputy, I'd have you write up retailer of English poisons. " {1}

 1 The following receipt is copied from a book, which is there said to be worth the price of the volume. "What is drank as port wine, is very often only a mixture of malt liquors, red wine, and turnip juice. For the benefit of economical readers, the following are the proportions: forty- eight gallons of liquor pressed from turnips, eight gallons of malt spirits, and eight gallons of good port wine, coloured with cochineal, and roughened with elder tops. It should stand two years in casks, and one in bottles. If rough cider is substituted for turnip juice, and Coniac brandy for malt spirits, the wine will be the better. "

 Turkey-coffee is Horse-beans ground, Irish eggs are boil'd in lime: In every trade deception's found, Except it be in yours or mine! Except it be in yours or mine!

 (Spoken) "There's more milk drank in London in a week than all the Cows in England could give in a fortnight;" says Blunderskull. "How can that be?" "Why to be sure, because two-thirds of it is white-wash!"

 What are you at? each knave may cry, Who feels my honest rhymes: What are you after's? my reply, -- There never were such times! There never were such times!

It was but a few steps from the Shades to the Monument, to which ouradventurers were now pursuing their way, when they met with an incidentnot unworthy of observation. Do not leave your goods, is the friendlyadmonition generally inscribed, in large characters, over the restingplace for porters, throughout the metropolis. Opposite the church ofSaint Magnus, close by London Bridge, a porter having pitched hisload, turned his back upon it, and reclined himself against the post incareless ease, and security. It was just as our heroes approached, thatthe porter had turned himself round to resume his burden, when lo! ithad vanished; in what manner no one can tell! without doubt, one ofthose numerous street-prowlers who are continually on the look out forprey, observing the remissness of the porter, had availed himself of thefavourable opportunity, and quietly walked off with his booty. A crowdcollected round the sufferer, but it afforded him neither sympathy norrelief. Our associates, however, contributed in mitigation of his loss, and proceeding up Fish-street Hill, were, in a few moments, shroudedunder the towering column of the Monument. 

Ascending the spiral stair-case of black marble, consisting of threehundred and forty-five steps, winding like a cork-screw, to the summit, our aspirants reached their aerial station in the gallery of this loftyedifice, and enjoyed one of the most variegated and extensively ~173~~interesting prospects of any in the metropolis. Far as the eye couldreach, skirting itself down the river, a forest of tall masts appeared, and the colours of all nations, waving gaily in the breeze, gave asplendid idea of the opulence and industry of the first commercial cityin the universe. The moving panorama, far beneath the giddy height, resembled the flitting figures of a _camera obscura_; the spaciousThames was reduced to a brook; the stately vessels riding on itsundulating wave seemed the dwarfish boats of the school-boy navigator;and glancing on the streets and along London Bridge, horses dwindledin appearance to mice, and carriages to children's toys! after havingenjoyed, during several minutes, the prospects afforded by theirelevated position, the two friends descended, and with a feeling ofrelief again trod the safer and less difficult path of _terra firma_. 

Our observers now turned their direction westward, and passed intoLombard Street, chiefly formed of banking-houses and other publicedifices. "This street, " said Dashall, "is noted as the focus of wealth, the point of convergence of civic riches, and its respectable bankersare not more dignified by the possession of superabundant propertythan enhanced in the estimation of their fellow-citizens by strictlyconscientious honour and integrity. 

"And of these not the least important in self-consequence is the jollycivic Baronet, " continued Dashall, "who has already come more than oncewithin the scope of our observation. "

"Ecce homo! behold the man!" responded the Squire, and the Baronetwas descried rolling his ponderous form from the opposite alley to hisbanking-house. 

"It is rather unfortunate, " observed Dashall, "that nature has not keptpace with fortune, in liberality to the Baronet. Profuse in giving hima colossal magnitude of person, he exhibits a most disproportionableendowment of intellect. Unlike his great prototype Sir John, in onesense, but yet resembling him in another, 'He is not witty himself, buthe occasions wit in others. '"

"You are very fond of making a butt of me, " observed the Baronet to abrother Alderman. --"By no means, " rejoined the latter, "I never was fondof an empty butt in my life. " "Is the worthy Baronet inclined at times, (asked the Squire) in his capacity of M. P. To irradiate the gloom of St. Stephens?"

~174~~ "O yes, frequently, particularly so when in the plenitude of hiswisdom he conceives that he can enlighten the house with a modicum ofinformation. The last time I heard him hold forth was as an apologistfor the tumultuary loyalists at the Mansion House Meeting, when hedelivered himself in a manner so heterogeneal of commonsense, andso completely in a style of egotism, as to excite the ridicule andrisibility of the whole house, and discompose the gravity of even thespeaker himself. "{1}

 1 The following is a strictly literal versification of the Speech alluded to:

 THE MANSION-HOUSE ROW, AND APOLOGY FOR THE LOYALISTS. 

 Being a literal versification of the eloquent Speech of Sir W--ll--m C--RT--s, Baronet, in the House of Commons, Friday, February 2, on the presentation, by Mr. John Smith, of the Petition of the Merchants of London. 

 I rise, Mr. Speaker, indulgence entreating A Speech while I make on the Mansion-house Meeting. The prior Requisition was certainly signed By men of good substance, with pockets well lin'd! With such I am ever good humour'd and civil, But worth, without wealth, I would pitch to the devil'. The Lord Mayor, I think, then, assum'd a position Of duty, in yielding to said Requisition; For may my oration be given to scorn, If ever I saw, from the day I was born, A list of more honoured, more propertied men, And probably never may see such again. 

 Now high as I prize both the merits and station, Of loyalists signing the first declaration; Permit me to say, it was too mild by half, Too much milk and water--Some Members may laugh-- I care not;--I say that it did not inherit The tythe of a loyal and time serving spirit. I'm charged too with signing it, nevertheless, I DID, --for I knew not how else to express My zeal, in supporting, with firm resolution, The Crown, --and Old England's decay'd Constitution! Who they are, Constitution and Crown that sustain, The people should now, --else we labour in vain! And, therefore, I sign'd the fore-named declaration. Altho' such a weak milk and water potation! For why should the loyalists smother their cause, And lose the high gain, --ministerial applause. 'Pon honour, --aye, even in detractions despite-- In corners and holes, Sir, I take no delight; And, never on any pursuit do I go, Of which 1 don't want the Almighty to know! I signed, Sir, the loyal, luke-warm declaration, To bring to its senses a turbulent nation! To cheer up His Majesty, --win his good graces, And keep his lov'd Ministers still in their places! The hon'rable member, my friend, who spoke last, Is not quite correct in detailing what pass'd At the Mansion-house Meeting; for patiently heard He was, until symptoms of riot appear'd. At last it broke out, with a vengeance 'tis true, And dire was the fracas! but what could we do, Where adverse opinion so warmly prevail'd, And each with revilings his neighbour assail'd? Why, Sir, to this house, I could prove in a minute, That greater majorities out than now in it, Of sound thinking persons, in these fair dominions, Are scouting the hon'rable member's opinions. 

 Well-bred, Sir, believe me, and good-looking people, Were wedg'd in the Mansion-house quite of a heap all; Whilst I, most politely, besought their attention, But no, --not a word was I suffer'd to mention! A party oppos'd me, altho' no long speeches I make, --(a kind lesson that prudence still teaches;) And waiting a hearing an hour, perhaps longer, The dissonant clamour grew fiercer and stronger! In fact, when I open'd my mouth, the commotion Exceeded in fury the storms of the ocean! Some hale stout young men, who had mix'd with the throng, And press'd, the conflicting addressers among, Escap'd from the Meeting in tumult and smother, And swore that they never would visit another!

 I well recollect, in the year ninety-three, A similar fracas I happen'd to see; The place, Grocers' Hall, where contention was wrought, So high, that a stout battle-royal was fought! Indeed, save one Meeting, I ne'er knew a case, Where wrangling and fighting had not taken place! In that one, so happen'd, good luck to betide, Its fortunate members--were all on one side! Reverting again to the Mansion-house Row, When next our staunch loyalists mean to avow Their zeal, ----may they issue a strong declaration, Then mix'd with a water and milk preparation! The gout in my toe, for I wore a great shoe, At last sent me home, without bidding adieu. 

 And now having said, Mr. Speaker, thus much I hope on this house the impression is such, The loyalists fully to clear, and their leader From charge, at that Meeting, of boisterous proceedure. 

 The Honourable Baronet now sat down, amid the ironical cheers, of the Treasury, and the tumultuous laughter of the whole house. 

~175~~ The two partners in adventure had now reached the Mansion House. The Justice Room was open, and the friends ascended the stairs in orderto witness the equitable dispensation of right by the Civic Sovereign. 

The case now under investigation was a curious one, and excited theinterest and amusement of a numerous auditory. 

The itinerant exhibitor of a dancing bear, complained that the person(proprietor of a small menage) now summoned into the presence of hislordship, illegally withheld from him a monkey, his property, and theci-devant associate of the ursine dancer aforesaid. 

On the other hand, the master of the menage roundly asserted that he wasthe rightful proprietor of the monkey, and had been in possession of theanimal for several years. 

"My lord, " said the master of the bear, "let the monkey be produced, andI will abide by his choice between this man and me as his master. " Thisproposition appearing reasonable, and pug having been brought forward asevidence, before giving his testimony made a respectful obeisance to theChief Magistrate, and so far as chattering and grinning were indicativeof his good intentions, seemed desirous of expressing his courtesy tothe auditory in general. After having stared about him for some time, with an inquisitive eye, and corresponding gesticulation, he discernedthe bear-master, and springing into his arms with all the eagerness ofaffectionate recognition, expressed the utmost joy at the unexpectedmeeting, and when the other claimant attempted to approach, he repulsedhim in the most furious manner, and clung to the friend of his electionwith renewed pertinacity. 

Under these circumstances, the monkey was adjudged to the bear-masteras his proper owner, and pug and his friend left the Justice Room, withmutual exchange of endearments. 

Nothing else meriting notice, occurred to the two strangers in thistheir new scene of observation. The Civic Sovereign having resigned thechair to one of the Aldermen, in order that he might attend the Sessionsat the Old Bailey, Dashall and the Squire, at the same time, retiredwith the intention (the day now waning apace) of making the best oftheir way home, which they reached without further adventure. ~177~~

CHAPTER XIII

 The charge is prepar'd, the lawyers are met, The judges all rang'd, a terrible show! I go undismay'd, for death is a debt, A debt on demand, --so take what I owe. 

 Since laws were made for every degree, To curb vice in others as well as in me; I wonder we ha'n't better company Upon Tyburn tree!

 But gold from law can take out the sting, And if rich men like us were to swing 'Twould thin the land such numbers would string Upon Tyburn tree!

PURPOSING to spend an hour in the Sessions House at the Old Bailey, our adventurers started next morning betimes, and reaching theirdestination, took their seats in the gallery, for which accommodationthey were charged one shilling each, which the Squire denominated animposition, inquiring of his friend by what authority it was exacted, and to whose benefit applied, as from the frequent sittings of theCourt, and general crouded state of the gallery, the perquisites must beconsiderable. 

"Custom in every thing bears sovereign sway, " answered Dashall. "I knownot whence this is derived, nor whose pockets are lined by the produce;but you will probably be surprised to learn, that a shilling admissionis only demanded on common occasions, and that on trials of great publicinterest, from one to two guineas has been paid by every individualobtaining admission. "

The arrival of the Judges now terminated this colloquy. The Lord Mayorand several Aldermen were in waiting to receive them, and these sageexpounders of the law were conducted to the Bench by the Sheriffs ofLondon and Middlesex. The Chief Magistrate of the City uniformly and ofright presiding at this Court, his Lordship ~178~~ took his seat onthe same Bench with the Judges, and the usual forms having been gonethrough, the dispensation of justice commenced. 

Several prisoners were tried and convicted of capital felony, during theshort space of time that our associated observers remained in Court;but the cases of these wretched men, and the consciousness of theirimpending fate, seemed in no respect to operate upon their minds, asthey left the bar apparently with perfect indifference. 

An unfortunate man was next brought forward, and accused of havingstolen from an auction room a couple of wine glasses. He was ofrespectable demeanor, and evidently had seen better days. When askedwhat he had to allege in his defence, the victim of misery preludinghis story with a torrent of tears, told the following piteous tale ofdistress:

He had been in business, and sustained an unimpeachable integrity ofcharacter for many years. Independence seemed within his reach, whenmisfortune, equally unforeseen as inevitable, at all points assailedhim! In the course of one disastrous year, death deprived him of hisfamily, and adversity of his property. He had unsuccessfully speculated, and the insolvency of several who were considerably indebted to him, hadcompleted his ruin! At the time he committed the act for which he stoodconvicted at that bar, he had not tasted food for three days, neitherhad he in the world a friend or relative to whom he could apply forrelief. The Jury found him Guilty, but strongly recommended him tomercy. The Judge humanely observed, that the least possible punishmentshould be inflicted on the prisoner. He was then sentenced to a fineof one shilling, and to be discharged. A sum of money, the spontaneousbounty of the spectators, was immediately collected for him, while oneof the Jury promised him employment, on his calling at his house onthe following day. The gratitude of the poor man was inexpressible:the sudden transition from the abyss of despair to the zenith of hope, seemed to overwhelm his faculties. He ejaculated a blessing on hisbenefactors, and departed. 

~179~~ Dashall and his friend were much affected by this incident. Another, however, presently occurred, of a more lively description. In the course of the next trial, the counsellor, on cross-examininga witness, found occasion to address him with, "Well, my old buck, I suppose you are one of those people who do not often go tochurch?"--"Perhaps, " said the other, "if the truth were known, I am asoften there as you are. " The promptness of the reply produced a laugh, in which the witness very cordially joined. "What makes you laugh?" saidthe lawyer. "Is not every body laughing?" replied the other. "True, "said the man of law; "but do you know what they are laughing at?"--"Why, I think in my heart, " rejoined the fellow, "that they take either me oryou to be a fool, but I do not know which!"

The Judge at this repartee could not retain his gravity; a tumult ofmirth pervaded the whole Court, and the discomfited counsellor adjustedhis wig and sat down. 

During the few minutes longer that our heroes remained, nothing ofinterest occurring, they withdrew; and passing down the Old Bailey toLudgate Street, and from thence towards the Temple, they crossed FleetStreet, and taking the direction of Shire Lane, were induced, by way ofinvestigating Real Life in its lowest classification, to enter one ofthose too frequent receptacles of vice denominated Coffee Shops. 

This was a house of notorious irregularity, the occupant of which hadmore than once experienced the visitation of the law for his uttercontempt of social order--and from the present appearance of his guests, it did not seem that legal interference had effected moral amendment. 

As our two friends entered this Augean Stable, a whisper of surprise, mingled with dismay, went round the motley assemblage of femalestreet-drabs, cracksmen, {1} and fogle-hunters; and a wary glance ofsuspicion darted from the group "many a time and oft" on the new-comers, who notwithstanding kept possession of their seats, and ordering withoutapparent notice of the party a cup of coffee, apprehension subsided intosecurity, the re-assured inmates resumed their interrupted hilarity, andour adventurers were thus afforded the means of leisurable observation. 

 1 Cracksmen (Burglars), Fogle-hunters (Pickpockets). 

~180~~ The Squire, who had not perused the annals of blackguardism, andconsequently was not an adept in the knowledge of the slang or vulgartongue, was under the frequent necessity of applying to his friend forexplanation of the obscure phraseology of those ladies and gentlemen ofthe pad, which Dashall contrived to occasionally interpret without theassistance or notice of its multitudinous learned professors. 

The desire of witnessing the exhibition of Real Life in its loweststate of human degradation, induced a prolongation of stay by our twoassociates. In the meanwhile, "the mirth and fun grew fast and furious, "exemplified by dance, song, and revelry, interspersed with practicaljokes, recriminative abuse, and consequent pugilistic exercise, wherescience and strength alternately prevailed; and in deficiency of othermissiles, poker, tongs, coffee-cups, saucers, and plates, were broughtinto active requisition. --The scene was a striking illustration of"Confusion worse confounded. " Luckily our two observers were in asituation without the reach of injury; they therefore "smiled at thetumult and enjoyed the storm. "

The landlord now interfered in defence of his fragile property. Preliminaries of peace were agreed on, through his high mediation, andfinally ratified betwixt the contending parties, ending as they began, like many other conflicting powers, _statu quo ante bellum_!

"And now to serious business we'll advance, says one of the King's ofBrentford. 

"But first let's have a dance. "

The present party followed exactly Mr. Baye's proposition; the dance andthe row over, they now proceeded to serious business. 

Seated in various groups, each engaged itself in conversation, which, from its almost inaudible expression, was singularly contrasted with therecent tumultuous uproar. 

The next box where sat our two friends, was occupied by cracksmen andfogle-hunters, one of whom, whose superior skill gave him an ascendancyover his associates, had delineated on the table the plan of certainpremises, and having given in a very low tone of voice, a verbalillustration to his fellow-labourers, with what intention it is notdifficult to conjecture, observed, "We may as well _pad_ (walk) it, as_Sir Oliver_ (the moon) is not out to night. "

~181~~ The party to whom this remark was addressed, prepared to pad itaccordingly, --when the desired egress was opposed by the entrance ofthree men, who unbuttoning their great coats, exhibited, each a hangerand brace of pistols, and took the whole community, male and female, into safe custody

This was a _coup-de-main_ on the part of the captors, and sustained withthe most perfect _sang froid_ by the captured. 

The officers next turned their attention to Dashall and Tallyho, whogiving their cards, and candidly explaining the motives which led theminto the temporary society of the prisoners, they were treated withbecoming respect, the officers with their captives proceeding ontheir route to Bow Street, and our heros to the occurrence of futureadventure. 

Tallyho congratulated himself on his escape from expected mortificationand inconvenience, but Dashall, whose more active and enterprizing mindwas not to be checked by trifles, enjoyed the vague apprehensions of hisfriend, and by way of making amends for the penance they had inflictedon themselves in Shire Lane, agreed to dine and finish the evening at aTavern in Covent Garden. 

Thither, then, as they pursued their course, the Squire expressed hissurprise that a final stop was not put to scenes such as they had justwitnessed, and all such places of nefarious rendezvous, abolished by thevigilance of the police. 

"On the contrary, " observed Dashall, "it is the interest of thepolice, not utterly to destroy these receptacles of vice. They arethe toleration haunts of profligacy, where the officers of justiceare generally assured of meeting the objects of their inquiry, andtherefore, under proper restrictions, and an occasional clearance, the continuance of a minor evil is productive of public benefit, byarresting the progress of infamy, and preventing the extension ofcrime. "

Passing along the Strand, the humane feelings of the Squire were excitedby apparently a mutilated veteran seaman, who in a piteous tone ofvoice, supplicated his charitable consideration. The applicant stated, that he had lost an arm and an eye, and was deprived the use of a leg, in the service of his country, without friend or home, and entirelydestitute of the means of subsistence, that he had no other resourcethan that of a humble reliance on public benevolence. The Squire withhis usual philanthropic promptitude drew out his purse, but his ~182~~friend intercepted the boon, and inquired of the seaman under whom, inwhat ship, and in what action he had sustained his misfortunes. To thesequestions a satisfactory answer was given, and the claim of the man tocompassion and relief was about to be admitted, when another inquiryoccurred, "are you a pensioner?"

A pause ensued: in the interim the mendicant seeing a person approach, of whose recognition he was not at all ambitious, dropped in a momenthis timber toe, unslung his arm, dashed a patch from his eye, and setoff with the speed of a race-horse. 

During the amazement of our two observers of Real Life, excited by thissudden and unexpected transformation, the officer, for such was thequondam acquaintance of the imposter, introduced himself to theirnotice. "Gentlemen, " said he, "you are not up to the tricks of London, that fellow on whom you were about to bestow your charity, and who hasjust now exhibited his agility, is one of the greatest imposters inLondon;--however, I shall not run him down at present. --I know hishaunts, and reckon sure of my game in the evening. "

"I confess, " replied Dashall, "that in the present instance I havebeen egregiously deceived;--I certainly am not up to all the tricks ofLondon, although neither a Johnny Raw nor a green-horn; and yet I wouldnot wish to prove callous to the claim of distress, even if sometimesunguardedly bestowing the mite of benevolence on an undeserving object. "

"The Society for the Suppression of Mendicity in the Metropolis, " saidthe Officer, "think differently, they recommend that no relief should begiven to street-beggars. "

"Then, " said Dashall, offended by the officer's interference, --"I envythem not the possession of their feelings, " and the two friends renewedtheir walk. 

Proceeding, without further interruption, our pedestrians, were inducedto intermingle with a crowd which had collected round a man who worea most patriarchal redundancy of beard, and had been recognized by anacquaintance as a shoe-maker of the name of Cooke, a disciple of theAmerican Prophet, John Decker. 

~183~~ Their high mightinesses the mobility were mischievously inclined, and would certainly have grossly insulted, if not injured thepoor devotee, had not Dashall and his friend taken him under theirprotection. {1} He had been quietly making his way through Covent GardenMarket, when the greetings and surprise of his friend at his strangetransformation, attracted the curiosity of the multitude, and hisunhesitating declaration, that he meant to accompany the great Prophetto Jerusalem, excited derision and indignation against the unfortunateenthusiast, when luckily our two heros interposed their good offices andconducted the proselyte in safety to the Shakespeare Tavern. 

 1 On Monday, in consequence of a very great uproar on Sunday night, in Worcester Street, Southwark, about the house of the American Prophet, John Decker, that singular person was brought before the Magistrates of this office, the inhabitants of the neighbourhood having attributed the disturbance to the unfortunate fanaticism of the prophet and his followers. 

 The constables stated, that on Sunday night, at half-past eight o'clock, they saw a mob, consisting of about three hundred people, collected at the door of the house, and heard the cries of "murder" issue from within. The officers on going up stairs, found the Prophet lying on his back. Some persons who had been abusing him escaped, and the Prophet said the cause of their violence was, that he had refused to get out of his bed to preach. He was conveyed to the watch-house. The witnesses informed the Magistrate, that the Prophet had made some proselytes, who were actually about to leave the country with him, and accompany him upon an expedition to the Holy Land. The parish officers were naturally alarmed at the inconveniences to which such an emigration would expose them, and hoped that every thing the arm of the law could do would be done to prevent it. The fanatic spirit of some of the followers of the Prophet may be guessed at from the following facts:--

 The officers who apprehended him, had, two or three times, in the course of Sunday evening, gone to the house in Worcester Street, and dispersed a large congregation that had assembled in the room appropriated to preaching. The Prophet preached first, and was succeeded by one of his most zealous followers, who was followed by another. This was constantly the practice, and during the service, which was being listened to with rapture, upwards of a dozen of the congregation seemed to be as violently engaged as the Prophet himself, whose sincerity is well known. One man, a shoe-maker, named Cooke, has actually sold off his stock and furniture, which were worth £300. ; and if he were not known to be the greatest admirer of the Prophet might be called his rival, for he has allowed his beard to grow to an immense length, and goes about preaching and making converts. He has a little son, who looks half-starved, and is denied all animal food by the Prophet and his father, upon the principle of Pythagoras--that he might not be guilty of eating a piece of his own grand-mother. Another trades-man, who was most industrious, and attached to his wife and seven children, proposes to leave them all, and go to Jerusalem. His beard is also becoming indicative of his intention, and he sleeps, as the others who are struck by the Prophet do--with his clothes on. None of the sixteen families who reside in the house in which the Prophet lives, have, however, caught the infection, and the land-lady complained most severely of the annoyance to which she was subject. 

 Mr. Chambers said he expected to have heard that the Prophet was on his way to Jerusalem. 

 The Prophet said he only waited for a Tunisian vessel to set sail with his brother Cooke, and nine other of his brethren. Upon being questioned as to his inducing those men to leave their families, he said he did not take them, a higher power took them. After having stated the manner in which he had been pulled out of the bed, and declared that he forgave his enemies, he said, in answer to a question whether he was at Brixton, and worked there, "Yea, " and to the question whether he liked it, "Nay. "

 Cooke, the shoe-maker, then stepped forward, and told the Magistrate that he was determined to follow his brother Decker to Jerusalem, but that the parish should suffer no inconvenience, for he should take his son with him on his pilgrimage. He said that they should not preach again where they had been so abused, but should remove to a house near the National School, in St. George's Fields, where they would preach till the day of their departure. 

 The Magistrate assured the Prophet that he should be committed if he preached again without a license, which he might have next Sessions for four-pence. The Prophet was then discharged. 

 Decker, it appeared, had baptized seventeen persons, since he commenced his labours in St. George's Fields. 

~184~~ No remonstrances of Dashall were of any avail in inducing thepertinacious fanatic to forego his resolution of a pilgrimage to theHoly Land, and when the inquisitive numbers who still lingered in frontof the tavern had dispersed, Cooke, with appropriate acknowledgment ofthe protection which had been afforded him, took his leave, after havingunsuccessfully endeavoured to make converts of Dashall and the Squireto the tenets of Prophet Decker, or to prevail on them to accompany thesacred band in the projected expedition to Jerusalem. 

CHAPTER XIV

 My son, time was when by necessity, (Nought else could move me to the enterprize, ) My steps were urg'd to London's wide domains, I made my will, as prudent friends advis'd;-- For little wot they, that beset with peril, I ever should return. --Safe though thou speed'st To London's wond'rous mart, thy pleasaut way, Think not that dangers cease, they but begin, When ent'ring the metrop'lis; slowly then Receive even Friendship's overtures, and shun The softer sex their wiles and blandishments; Walk cautiously the streets, of crowds beware, And wisely learn to fly each latent snare. 

~185~~ AMONGST other occurrences of the preceding day, Cousin Bobadverted, at the breakfast table, to the confused intermixture ofcarriages, dissonant din of attendant lacqueys clamouring for vehicles, and the dangers occasioned by quarrelsome coachmen, precipitately, and at all hazards, rushing forwards to the doors of a mansion, onthe breaking-up of a route, each claiming, and none willing toconcede precedency in taking up their masters and mistresses, --" I amsurprised, " said the Squire, "that any rational being would sacrificehis time and comfort in making one of an assemblage where within doorsyou are pressed to the dread of suffocation, and in making your exit, are environed by peril and difficulty. "

"Such, " rejoined Dashall, "are the follies of fashion. Its influencepredominates universally; and the votarists of _bon ton_, are equallyassiduous in the pursuit of their object, whether with the satellitesin the gay and volatile regions of the court, or amongst those of 'soberfame' in the mercantile bustle of the city. In the purlieus of thegreat, _bon ton_ is characterized by inconvenience; four or Ave hundredpeople, for example, invited to crowd a suite of rooms not calculated toaccommodate half the number, the squeeze must be delightful! But

 'Custom in every thing liears sovereign sway!'

~186~~ thence yield the followers of High Life in the West to thefollies of fashion, where the enjoyment of ease is a subordinate, if notaltogether exploded consideration. --Eastward on the other hand:

 'I loves High Life, and all the joys it yields, ' Says Madam Fussick, warm from Spitalfields. 'High Life's the day, 'twixt Saturday and Monday, 'And riding in a one-horse chay on Sunday, ''Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons, 'At Bagnigge Wells, in china and gilt spoons. '"

"Again, " added the Squire, "what a vast expence is incurred by theseidle and ostentatious displays of luxury, without one object ofadvantage gained!"

"Unproductive result, " rejoined Tom, "is not always the case; it notunfrequently happens that a route and card-party are united; whenthe lady of the mansion generally contrives, by skill and finesse, to transfer a portion of the spoil into her own private treasury; andnotwithstanding expense, there are those who have given splendid routesand entertainments, and at the same time, recruited their exhaustedfinances, at the sole charges of incautious tradesmen, whonotwithstanding repeated losses, yet absorbed in the love of gain, become the dupes of avarice and credulity. --In the elucidation of myremark, --

 'If old assertions can't prevail, Be pleased to hear a modern tale. '

"Not long since, " continued Dashall, "an aspiring young limb of thelaw, of property, in expectancy (but that is neither here nor there)and fertile in expedient, contrived to insinuate himself into thegood fellowship of a few bon vivants; and resolving to irradiate with'surprising glory' the galaxy of fashion, he furnished a house, bypermission of an accommodating upholsterer, in a style of magnificence, and decorated a side-board with a splendid service of plate, borrowedauspiciously for the occasion from a respectable silversmith, on apromise of liberal remuneration and safe return; after effecting theobject of its migration, in dazzling the eyes of his honourable friendsat his projected entertainment. 

~187~~ "Amidst the busy 'note of preparation, ' the important day at lastarrived; the suite of apartments became thronged with company, and everyone admired the elegance of the furniture; the tasteful ornaments ofthe rooms; the brilliancy of the lights and massive construction of thevaluable family plate! In fact every thing conspired to give _eclat_ tothe scene, and confirm the friends of the founder of the feast in theirbelief alike of his exquisite judgment and high respectability. 

"The silversmith, that he might not appear indelicately obtrusive, let afew days elapse after this grand gala had taken place, before he appliedfor restoration of his property, the borrower congratulated him on hisgood fortune, told him, that several friends had very much admired theplate, and even expressed an intention of ordering similar services; andthat with regard to the borrowed plate, he had taken so strong a fancyto it, as to feel disposed to become a purchaser, if the price wasreasonable, and an adequate consideration was made for prompt payment. 

"The silversmith, who chuckled inwardly at the prospect of extendinghis business, and connecting himself with so many 'honourable men, 'gratefully expressed his acknowledgments, and assuring him of liberaldealing, the several items of the borrowed plate were examined anddilated upon, the price of each article, after much higgling, wasultimately fixed, the sum total ascertained, and an early clay appointedfor a final settlement of the accompt. It never was the intention of theborrower to return the plate, but he now had achieved a great object, by entirely changing the whole complexion of the business; he had nowconverted fraud into debt, and happen what might, the silversmith couldonly sue him on a civil process, which against a limb of the law, andas such, privileged from arrest, must be tedious and uncertain, whereas, had he made away with the plate, without accomplishing the object ofthis last manouvre, (such is the indiscriminating severity of Englishlaw, ) that he might have been amenable to the punishment of felony!

"Now comes the reckoning when the banquet's o'er! the parties metfor final settlement, when behold! the accepted purchaser offers thesilversmith a bill at a month; he refuses it indignantly, and consultshis solicitor as to the possibility of compelling the restoration of theplate; but the lawyer told him, that on his own shewing this could notbe done. The silversmith had now no other resource than that of takingthe ~188~~ proposed bill, and waiting the expiration of the month, forpayment. In the meanwhile, the debtor exhibiting the talent of an ableconveyancer, transmuted the silver into gold, and now laughs at thecredulity of London tradesmen, and sets the silversmith at defiance!"{1}

 1 This incident, as related by Dash all, actually and very recently occurred. 

 An interesting and useful volume might be compiled on the subject of frauds practised on London tradesmen. Many of these tricks have been highly characteristic of ingenuity. The following is a ludicrous instance of female stratagem. We give the article literally, as it occurred. 

 A few days ago, a female, apparently a person of rank, visited in her carriage, towards the evening, a Silk Mercer's Shop, westward of Temple Bar, where she made choice, for purchase, of silks and other rich articles of feminine dress and decoration, to the value of above fifty pounds. Her manner was that of a perfectly well-bred gentlewoman, and her person displayed no small portion of attractive and elegant accomplishment. Having completed her selection, she expressed much regret that she could not pay the amount of the bill on the instant: "But, "she continued, "it is a delightful evening; my house is in the suburbs of town; a short and easy ride will prove a pleasant recreation, and if you will accompany me home in my carriage, you shall, on our arrival, be immediately paid. " The mercer was more gallant of spirit than to reject the courtesy of a lady so fair and fascinating, and accepting with pleasure the proferred honour, the vehicle soon reached its destination. The lady first alighted, taking with her, into an elegant mansion, the articles of purchase; the mercer presently followed, was shewn into a handsome drawing-room, and received with much politeness, by apparently by a gentleman of the faculty. --A silence of a few minutes ensued, when the mercer inquired for the lady, observing, at the same time, that it was necessary he should return to town immediately. The courteous physician recommended silence, and the mercer became irritated and clamorous for his money and freedom of exit. Two attendants making their appearance, they were directed to conduct the patient to his apartment. The mercer suspecting that he was the dupe of artifice, grasped a poker, with the intention of effect-ing, at all hazard, his liberation from "durance vile, " but his efforts had no other result than that of confirming his trammels, and he was presently bound over to keep the peace, under the guarantee of a straight-waistcoat! The unfortunate mercer now told a "plain unvarnished tale, " which gained the attention of the humane physician, who was no other than the proprietor of the mansion, in which he managed its concerns as an Asylum for Lunatics. The lady who accompanied the mercer to the house, had been with the physician the preceding day, and made arrangements with him for the reception of an insane patient. --It was now discovered that she had come under a fictitious name; had retreated in the hired vehicle with the mercer's property; and had adopted this curious stratagem, the more effectually to silence suspicion and prevent detection. 

~189~~ This detail threw the Squire into a train of rumination, on thetricks and chicanery of metropolitan adventurers; while Dashall amusedhimself with the breakfast-table concomitant, the newspaper. A fewminutes only elapsed, when he laid it aside, approached the window, and seeing a funeral pass, in procession, along the street, he turnedtowards his Cousin, and interrupted his reverie with the followingextemporaneous address:--

 "Dost thou observe, " he said, "yon sable tribe Of death anticipates?--These are they Who, when men die, rejoice! all others else Of human kind, shed o'er departed friends The tear of reminiscence; these prowlers Hunt after Death, and fatten on his prey! Mark now their measur'd steps, solemn and slow, And visage of each doleful form, that wears The semblance of distress; they mourn for hire, And tend the funeral rites with hearts of stone! Their souls of apathy would never feel A moment's pang were Death at one fell sweep, Even all their relatives to hurl from earth!-- Knaves there exist among them who defraud The grave for sordid lucre; who will take The contract price for hurrying to the tomb The culprit corse the victim of the law, But lay it where? Think'st thou in sacred ground! No! in the human butcher's charnel-house! Who pleas'd, reserves the felon for the knife, And bribes the greater villain with a fee!"

Cousin Bob was very much surprised by this sudden effusion, andinquiring the source of inspiration, Dashall put into his hands thenewspaper, pointing to the following extraordinary communication, extracted verbatim. {1}

 1 The King v. Cundick. --This was an indictment against the defendant, undertaker to the Horsemonger-lane gaol, for a mis-demeanour, in corruptly selling for dissection the body of a capital convict, after he had been executed, contrary to his duty, in viola-tion of public decency, and the scandal of religion. There were various counts in the indictment, charging the offence in different ways. The defendant pleaded Not Guilty. 

 The case excited considerable interest, as well for its unprecedented novelty as the singularity of its circumstances. It was a public prosecution at the instance of the Magistracy of the County. 

 Mr. Nolan and Mr. Bolland conducted the case for the Crown; and Mr. Adolphus, Mr. Turton, and Mr. Ryland, were for the defence. 

 It appeared in evidence that a capital convict, named Edward Lee, who had been tried and found guilty at the last Croydon Assizes, of a highway robbery, was publicly executed at Horse-monger-lane gaol, on Monday, the 10th of September. After he was cut down he was delivered over to the defendant, the appointed carpenter and undertaker of the gaol, for interment at the County's expense, for which he was allowed three guineas. He received particular directions that the afflicted mother and other friends of the deceased were to be permitted to see the body before inter-ment, and follow it to the grave, if they thought proper. The friends of the deceased called on the defendant, who lives in Redcross-street, to know when the funeral would take place. He appointed the following day, Tuesday, the 11th of September. The unhappy mother of the deceased, being confined to her bed, was unable to attend the funeral, but sent a friend to the house of the defendant to see the body, and cut a lock of its hair. Application being made to the defendant for this purpose, he said he had already buried the body, because he could not keep such people any longer in his house. The friend demanded a certificate of the funeral, which he promised to procure on a subsequent day, upon paying a fee. On the Thursday following the uncle of the deceased called for a certificate of the burial, but could not get it, the de-fendant then saying that the body had been buried the day before. The friends then became clamorous, and complaint being made to Mr. Walter, the gaoler, he sent repeatedly for the defendant to come to the gaol and explain his conduct, which he declined. At length one of the turnkeys was sent after him on the Friday, with positive directions to bring him forthwith. As soon as the de-fendant found that he was compelled to go to Mr. Walter, he made an excuse, that he had some immediate business to attend to, but would meet the messenger in an hour at a neighbouring public-house. To this the turnkey consented, but watched the defendant to his house, where he saw two or three suspicious looking men lurking about. After waiting for some time, the defendant came to him, and expressed his surprise that he was not gone to the public-house. The defendant appeared agitated, and went off as hard as he could towards the Southwark Iron Bridge. A person named Crisp, who was with the turnkey, went one way after the defendant, and the turnkey another. The latter went to Crawford's burial ground, where he saw the same suspicious looking man whom he had observed about the defendant's house, in the act of interring a coffin. He immediately interposed, and said the coffin should not be buried until he examined its contents. At this moment the defendant came into the burying-ground, and seemed angry at the interruption, and begged he might be allowed to inter the body, which he acknowledged was Edward Lee; and excused himself for not burying it before, by saying, that the pressure of other business prevented him. The turnkey remonstrated with him for disobedience of the orders he had received to permit the friends of the deceased to see the body and attend the funeral. The defendant seemed greatly perplexed: at length he took hold of Crisp and the turnkey by the sleeve, and, with considerable agitation, offered them 10L. Each to permit him to bury the coffin, and say no more about the matter. This was peremptorily refused. The turnkey insisted upon opening the coffin, and whilst the defendant went to explain his conduct to Mr. Walter, he did open it, and found that it contained nothing but earth. It appeared that the defendant had been applying to the sexton in the course of the week for a certificate of the burial, but was unable to succeed, the body not having been buried. Search was then made for the body, and at length it was traced to Mr. Brooks's dissecting rooms in Blenheim-street, Marlborough- street, where it had undergone a partial dissection. The upper part of the scull had been removed, but replaced. Several persons identified the body as that of Edward Lee. It was proved that about ten o'clock in the evening of Tuesday, the 11th September, a hackney-coach had stopped at the defendant's house, and the defendant was seen assisting two men in lifting a large hamper into the carriage, which then drove off. This was the substance of the case for the prosecution. 

 Mr. Adolphus, in an able and ingenious address to the Jury, contended that the indictment must fail, inasmuch as the evidence did not satisfy the allegation in the indictment, that the defendant had sold the body for lucre and gain. Now there was no proof whatever that it had been sold, which might have easily been made out, if the fact was so, by summoning Mr. Brooks, the anatomist. The real fact was, that the body had been stolen by other persons from the defendant's house, and the defendant had been driven to the miserable shifts proved in evidence, in order to conceal the misfortune, and prevent the loss of his lucrative situation in the gaol. 

 No witnesses to facts were called for the defendant; but several persons gave him a good character for honesty and industry. 

 The Jury, under the learned Judge's directions, found the defendant Guilty. 

~192~~ The Squire having perused this appalling account of humandepravity, expressed himself in energetic terms of indignation againstthe miscreant, who to the acute miseries of maternal affliction atthe premature loss of a son, and by such a death! could add the bitteranguish of consigning his cold remains, unseen by any earthly spirit ofsympathy, to the knife of the dissector, in breach of every law moraland divine! In the warmth of his kindly feelings, the Squire would haveuttered a curse, had he not been prevented by the entrance of hisold friend, Sir Felix O'Grady. The two friends received their quondamacquaintance with much cordiality. "Cuish la mevchree! exclaimed theBaronet, shaking heartily the hands of Tom and Bob; "and how haveyou done these many long days past?"--This inquiry having beensatisfactorily answered, Sir Felix explained the object of hisvisit:--"Aunts of all sorts, or any sort, or no sort at all at all, "said he, "are cursed bad things, sure enough; as somebody in the playsays. "

This abrupt commencement excited the risible feelings of Dashall and hisCousin, which were further stimulated by Sir Felix seriously appealingto their commiseration, under the pressure of misfortune, --"for thissame respectable maiden lady, Mrs. Judith Macgilligan, my venerable auntas aforesaid, has recently imported her antiquated piece of virginityfrom her native mountains near Belfast, and having had my addresspat enough, the worse luck, the sowl, with an affected anxiety for mywelfare, must take up her residence, while in town, in the same housewith her dutiful nephew, that she may have the opportunity of watchingover him in his erratic pursuits, as she says, with maternal solicitude;that is, in other words, to spy into all my actions, and bore meeverlastingly with her intolerable company. It was but the blessedmorning of yesterday that she took a fancy to exhibit her beautifulperson at the lounge in Bond-street;--by-the-bye, this same paragon ofperfection has passed her grand climacteric, being on the wrong sideof sixty;--is as thin as a lath and as tall as a May-pole;--speaks anindescribable language of the mongrel kind, between Irish and Scotch, ofwhich she is profuse to admiration; and forgetting the antiquity of herperson, prides herself on the antiquity of her ancestry so much, thatshe is said to bear a strong resemblance to her grandmother, judgingfrom the full-length portrait (painted seventy years ago, ) of thatworthy progenitor of our family, who was a descendent, lineally, from O'Brien king of Ulster, that she copies her dress on all publicoccasions, to the great amusement and edification of the spectators; andin these venerable habiliments she promenaded Bond-street, hanging on myarm;--by the Powers, till I felt ashamed of my precious charge, for allthe world was abroad, and my reverend aunt was the universal magnet ofattraction. "

"Well, and you find yourself comfortable, " said Dashall, --"we have allof us foibles, and why expect your aunt to be exempted from them?--Haveyou any thing in expectance, --is she rich?"

~193~~ "Twenty thousand pounds, twice told, " replied Sir Felix, "sterling money of Great Britain, in which I have a reversionaryinterest. "

"Why then, " said Tallyho, "you cannot do better than contribute all inyour power to her ease and pleasure; and in exercising this commendableduty, you will gain present satisfaction, and may justly anticipatefuture benefit. "

"And, " added Dashall, "if my Cousin or myself can by any means furtheryour object, in contributing towards the full attainment of your aunt'samusement while she remains in town, you may command our services. "

"By the powers of fortune, " exclaimed the Baronet, "you have just givenme the opportunity I was wishing for; that is, I had a favour to ask, but which I could not find courage enough to do, notwithstanding mynative assurance, until now. You must know, then, that on Easter Monday, the illustrious Judith Macgilligan, descendant lineally from O'Brienking of Ulster, means to honour the Civic entertainment with her sublimepresence, and grace the Ball at the Mansion-house in a dress resemblingthat of her grandmother the princess, worn seventy years ago. Now, mydear friends, having pledged yourselves to contribute all in your powertowards the pleasure of my venerable aunt, which of you will be herpartner for the evening?"

The pause of a moment was succeeded by a hearty laugh; Tallyho hadno objections to the hand, as a partner at the ball, of Miss JudithMacgilligan, even should she choose to array herself after the mannerof the princess her grandmother. But Dashall observing that as no masqueballs were given at the Mansion-house, it would be necessary that MissMacgilligan should forego her intention of appearing otherwise thanin modern costume. Sir Felix undertook to arrange this point withhis relative, and in the name and on behalf of Squire Tallyho, ofBelville-hall, to engage the distinguished honour of her hand atthe ensuing Mansion-house Ball. This important affair having beensatisfactorily adjusted, it was proposed by Dashall that, as his Cousinand the Baronet had neither of them ever been present at the Epping Hunton Easter Monday, they should form themselves into a triumvirate for thepurpose of enjoying that pleasure on the morrow. The Squire having intown ~194~~ two hunters from his own stud, embraced the proposition withthe avidity of a true sportsman, and Sir Felix declining the offer ofone of these fleet-footed coursers, it was agreed they should be underthe guidance of Tom and Bob, and that Sir Felix should accompany them, mounted on his own sober gelding, early in the morning, to the field ofNimrod, from which they purposed to return to town in sufficient time towitness other holiday sports, before dressing for the entertainment atthe Mansion-house. 

These preliminaries settled, and Sir Felix agreeing to take a pot-luckdinner with his two friends, the trio resolved on a morning loungeof observation, and sallying forth, took their way along Piccadillyaccordingly. 

Although it was Sunday morning, this street presented, with theexception of the shops being closed, nearly the same appearance ofbustle as on any other day; the number of pedestrians was not apparentlyless, and of equestrians and carriage-occupants, an increase; the twolatter description of the ton, actually or would-be, passing onwards tothe general Sunday rendezvous, Hyde-Park, where Real Life in London isamusingly diversified; and where may be seen frequently, amongstthe promiscuous promenaders of the Mall, a prince of the blood-royalundistinguishable by external ornament from any of the most humble inthe moving panorama; while an endless succession of carriages, in whichare seated, what England beyond any other country may proudly boast of, some of the most beautiful women in the world, present the observerwith an enlivening theme of admiration; and, together with the mountedexhibiters, from the man of fashion on the "pampered, prancing steed, "to the youth of hebdomadary emancipation on "the hacked Bucephalus ofRotten Row, " form an assemblage at once ludicrous and interesting. 

Having circumambulated the "Ring, " our triumvirate returned by the gatein Piccadilly, and crossing from thence to Constitution-hill, Dashallpointed out to his companions the seat, as now fixed upon (on thesummit of the Green Park) of a Military Pillar, intended to be raisedin commemoration of the many victories achieved by British valour in thelast war. "This plan, if properly carried into effect by the erection(said Dashall) of a column equal in splendor of execution ~195~~ withthe glory it is meant to record, will be the greatest ornament of themetropolis. "

"If again, " added the Squire, "it does not prove like some other recentprojections, a Castle in the air!"{1}

 1 Tallyho probably alludes to the long meditated Monument in memory of the late Princess Charlotte, towards the memory of which a very large sum of money was raised by public subscription. 

Without any other occurrence worthy of remark, the perambulators reachedhome, and enjoyed the comfortable quietude of an excellent domesticdinner, without interruption. Every arrangement having been made for theamusements of next day, the party broke up, Sir Felix returning tohis lodgings, to gladden the heart of Miss Judith Macgilligan with theanticipation of conquest; and Dashall and Tallyho retiring to earlyrepose, that they might encounter the business of the morning withrecruited renovation. --Next day

 The feathered songster chanticleer Had wound his bugle horn, And told the early villager The coming of the morn;--

When the Baronet made his appearance "on a milk-white steed, " before themansion of Dashall. In a few moments the friendly trio were assembled inthe breakfast-parlour, and partook of a hasty repast while the coursersfrom the Belville-stud, destined to perform a prominent part in theforthcoming adventures of the day, were getting in readiness. Thepreparations were soon completed, --the hunters, two noble animals, werebrought to the door, Each "with neck like a rainbow, erecting his crest, Paniper'd, prancing and pleas'd, his head touching his breast. " "Saddle White Surrey for the field to-morrow, "

was the order of Richard, " said the Baronet; "but had he been inpossession of such a horse as either of these, 'White Surrey' might havegone to the devil. "

"I'll warrant them both, sound, wind and limb, and gentle to boot, "said the Squire, --"Come then, if you wish to be well-mounted, and wouldreally look like a "baron bold, " seat yourself fearlessly on either, and bear yourself through the streets of London with the dignity ~196~~befitting a true, magnanimous and puissant knight of Munster!"--Thisaddress had the desired effect, --it implied a doubt of the Baronet'scourage, and he seated himself on the "gallant steed" immediately. --Tomand Bob at same time betook themselves, the former to the other "highmettled racer, " and the latter to the unassuming rejected Rosinanteof Sir Felix. A trifling delay, however, occurred; the stirrups ofthe Baronet's charger were too short, and he alighted while the groomrepaired the defect. 

 Now see him mounted once again Upon his nimble steed; Full slowly pacing o'er the stones, With caution and good heed. 

Whether, like the Calenderer's horse under the its guidance of thecelebrated John Gilpin, the disdainful steed now in the management ofSir Felix, "wondered what thing he'd got upon his back, " we are notcompetent to decide; but he certainly in his progress "o'er thestones" manifested frequent impatience of restraint. These symptomsof contumaciousness were nevertheless borne by the Baronet withoutcomplaint, --

 Till finding soon a smoother road Beneath its well-shod feet, The snorting beast began to trot, Which galled him in his seat. 

And, as if intuitively knowing the incapacity of his rider to restrainhim, and despising curb and rein, the indignant animal set off at fullspeed, to the great dismay of Dashall and the Squire, who putting theirhorses to the pith of their mettle, hurried after their friend with theutmost solicitude. Luckily, however, the career of the spirited animalwas impeded, and finally stopped, by the frequent interposition of thepassengers on the road, and the Baronet was safely set down, ready toexclaim with Hawser Trunnion, "If ever I get astride the back ofsuch another harum scarum son of a bitch again, my name is not FelixO'Grady. "

[Illustration: page196 Easter Hunt]

The pursuers speedily rejoined the pursued, and felt happy in theknowledge of his welfare. The abashment of the baronet, occasionedby this untoward adventure, soon gave way to his characteristicgood-humour; and ~197~~ having resigned all further government ofthe Squire's unruly quadruped, and resumed possession of his own, thetriumvirate proceeded towards the place of destination. 

In the meanwhile, the city horsemen arose with Phoebus, to mount theirrosinantes, to be present at the enlargement of the stag, and wereroused from their slumbers according to order by the watchmen. Themotley group, that was early in the field, furnished a capital subjectfor the caricaturist. Carts, horses, lame mares, and refractory donkies, with their grotesque riders, covered the field, together with dandies inchaises, and the lassies from St. Giles's, Chick-lane, Wapping, andSt. Catherine's, in market carts, with their sweet-hearts, considerablyswelled the number of the hunters. The stag was decorated with bunchesof ribbons, and seemed when enlarged much more frightened at theappearance of the Londoners, than at the hounds, his natural enemies. When the chase commenced, never was witnessed such a scene of confusionand disorder. Upset carts, and unhorsed huntsmen, were seen in alldirections. The stag went off in good style, and out of hundreds ofhorsemen, not above a dozen were able to keep their seats, but a numberof fellows were on the lurk to take care of the stray horses. 

After a cursory glance at the variegated and boisterous assemblage, the stag bounded forward with the velocity of lightning, amidst theastounding shouts of the multitude, and was instantly followed by hisbiped and quadruped foes of indescribable diversity, from the amateurof the turf on his spirited and well caparisoned steed, to the spavinedgelding, bearing its cockney rider, and numerous other _annual_equestrians, preceded by every description of the canine race, fromthe high bred beagle to the "cur of low degree. " All was tumultuousdissonance, and confusion worse confounded. Tallyho enjoyed the sceneto the very acme of delight, and giving the reins to his experiencedcourser, high in blood, and eager for accustomed exercise, the nobleanimal accompanied by its companion under the guidance of Dashall, started off with unrivalled celerity, and in a few moments set allcompetition at defiance. Sir Felix, in an attempt to follow his friends, leaped a fence, but gaining the opposite side, horse and rider cameto the ground: fortunately neither of them sustained any injury. --SirFelix, ~198~~ however, on regaining his footing, found that his horse, which had gone forward, was in possession of a stranger, who losinghis own, had availed himself of this opportunity of remounting, and nowpursued his way bare-headed; for the wind had uncourteously uncoveredhis pericranium, and he abandoned his castor to its fate rather thanby stopping to pick it up, risque the restitution of his prize, andthe wrath of the baronet, who stood spell-bound against the fence, vociferously demanding his gelding, and extending his arm in reiterateddenunciation of vengeance. The unceremonious intruder turning round onthe saddle, without slackening his career. --" Bide you where you are, my fine fellow, " he provokingly exclaimed, "until the chase is over, andyour gelding shall then be forthcoming. " If the sense of misfortune isalleviated by seeing it participated by others, the baronet had amplefund of consolation, for numbers around him were involved in similarcalamity. He profited too, by an admirable lesson of patience underdisaster. On the right of his runaway gelding, and its rider, heperceived a dismounted horseman, quietly submitting to adversity, byseating himself on a bank, while his unburthened steed pursued the chasewith unabating celerity, leaving its owner to wait, at leisure, itsreturn. Two cockney equestrians now approached, at full speed, thefence where Sir Felix still stood, in the attitude of remonstrance andirritation; and attempting the leap, one, like the baronet, gained theopposite side, but with a less successful result; for the rider waspitched over with some violence, with his heels aloft in the air, as ifabout to perambulate the field on his hands, while his horse came to theground on its face and knees, suspended by its hind legs from the upperbar of the fence, and vainly essaying at extrication. The other cockneysportsman was similarly situated: his horse had not cleared the fence, neither had the rider, although he had reached the neck of his rosinantein his progress to the opposite side; in this position he assumed apermanent aspect, for his horse rested with his fore-legs over thefence, and seemed incapable of either retrograding or proceeding. Theselessons taught the baronet resignation in mishap; the result of whichwas the return, in about an hour, of his friends Tom and Bob, to hisgreat comfort, which was further increased by their bringing with themhis gelding, having recognized the animal ~199~~ in the possession of astranger, who, on their claiming it as belonging to Sir Felix O'Grady, very readily gave it up, saying, that the baronet had not forgot in themidst of his threats, frequently to announce his name, and hoping thathe would excuse him for having resorted to the privilege which everyperson claims on this day, of taking care of the stray horses. The partynow fully satisfied with the humours and disasters of the Easter Hunt, turned their steeds homewards, and journeying unimpeded, notwithstandingthe throng of the road, they quickly gained town, without the occurrenceof any other memorable incident. 

Having reached the mansion of Dashall, Sir Felix acquainted Tallyho withthe success of his mission respecting the hand, as a partner, at theMansion-house Ball, of the august descendant of the Kings of Ulster, the sage and venerable Miss Judith Macgilligan. "O, the beautiful_illustrissimo_! the sweet crature" exclaimed the baronet, "withcommendable care of her virgin purity, and fair unsullied fame, istenacious of etiquette, and insists that she shall be asked with all dueform and respect, (after I have introduced your Squireship to the honourof her notice) at the Mansion-house. By my conscience, I believe she isin love with your character, and no doubt will prove desperately so withyour person. Faith and troth now, she is both too young and too old formatrimony; too young, because she may live to torment you these twentyyears to come, which is a penance no sprightly lad should voluntarilyundergo for all her fortune; and too old, being in all respectsdisqualified by age, for the important object of marriage, which wasinstituted for the procreation of children. "

"My dear sir, " rejoined the Squire, "immaculate may the lady remain inher person and property, I have no views on either. "

"By the powers of charity retract that 'stern decree, '" exclaimed thebaronet, "would you break the heart of the love-sick nymph, by chillingindifference to the potency of her charms and the magnitude of herfortune? However, all joking apart, my good friends, will you do my auntand your humble servant the honour of calling at our lodgings; we shallwait your coming and proceed together to the civic entertainment?" Thiswas agreed to;--the baronet retired, and the two cousins having the bestpart of the day still before them, set out on a stroll to Tothill-fieldsFair, with the view of ascertaining Real Life in Westminster, amongstthe middle and lower orders of its extensive population. 

~200~~ Crossing St. James's Park, our two observers soon reached thescene of jollity. Here, as in all the fairs held in London, and itsvicinity, was a vast assemblage of idlers, including both sexes and allages. "They talk of the severity of the times, " said Dashall, "and thedistress of the lower orders of society; I cannot say, however, that Ihave witnessed any semblance of distress or privation amongst such inthis metropolis to the extent represented, 1 in the whole course of myobservation. These fairs, for instance, more properly marts of iniquity, are crammed to excess; and in pursuit of low enjoyment there appears nodeficiency of pecuniary means. In all these resorts of dissipation, not only the shows are filled with spectators, but the booths andneighbouring public-houses are crowded with male and female revellers. "

The Squire acquiesced in the correctness of his friend's remark, andboth coincided in opinion that the regular daily public places ofamusement in the metropolis afford ample opportunity for rationalrecreation, independent of the continuance of fairs, which have no othertendency than facilitating the progress of licentiousness. 

Dashall observed, that on the present occasion, in the midst of so muchalleged distress, -the booths and shows of Tothill-fields Fair weremuch more extensive than in former years. "We must, however, " said he, "although the evil continues, do the Magistrates the justice to saythat they have acted meritoriously in preventing the erection of thosedangerous machines named round-abouts, by which, at former fairs, manyserious accidents were occasioned. "

[Illustration: page200 Donkey Cart Race]

While Ton and Bob were quizzing the costermongers and the Venuses, they in their turn were queered out of their wipes; thus anothercogent argument was afforded as to the necessity of suppressing thesenuisances, as being the rendezvous of infamy, and the harvest ofdepredation. The visitors appeared in all their glory, as elegantand boisterous as usual; the consumption of gin and gingerbread wasapparently prodigious, and the great luxury amongst the fashionables wasfried sausages and the bolting of oysters with sugar for wagers. Havinglost their wipes, the two friends resolved at least to save ~201~~ theirtattlers; and having seen a sufficiency of Westminster jollification, they left the fair to those visitors who might better appreciate itsenjoyment. 

Returning home, they were not encountered by farther mischance, andhaving shortly reached their destination, and dressed for the eveninggala, a chariot was ordered, and they were set down at the lodgings ofSir Felix O'Grady. 

The baronet introduced his two friends to his aunt, with much affectedform, and with an arch leer of expression, which, on an occasion ofminor import, would have excited the risibility of Bob, but this was nolaughing affair; the presentation therefore was conducted with all duesolemnity, and Miss Judith Macgilligan received him with a maidenishdiffidence and complacency, yet with the dignity becoming a descendantof O'Brien, King of Ulster. 

Having partaken of a slight repast, the party drove off, in the lady'stemporary vehicle, and rattling rapidly along the streets, were in avery short time arrived at the Mansion-house. The company was select andelegant; the ladies particularly, might vie in splendour of ornament andfascination of personal charms, with first rate beauties of the west;and what gave the entertainment a superior zest above every otherconsideration, was the condescending affability of the Civic Queen, whoreceived her numerous and delighted guests with a truly hospitable, yetdignified politeness; nor was there any deficiency on the part of herlord; all that the most excellent arrangements and the most minuteattention could accomplish was done, to the entire gratification andcomfort of the company. {1}

 1 Easter Amusements. --Mansion-house. The customary Easter Civic Dinner and Ball were given at the Mansion-house. A material alteration was effected in the entertainment upon this occasion, by considerably abridging the number of cards, which it was the practice hitherto to issue. The Lady Mayoress received the company before dinner in the ball room; in dis-charging which office her ladyship displayed much ease and elegance of manner. The company adjourned to the Egyptian Hall to dinner, at about half-past six o'clock. They consisted of Lord Viscount Sidmouth, the Earl of Shaftesbury, Mr. Peel, and some other members of the Ministry, the Lords Bishop of London and Landaff, and other church dignitaries; the Lords Chief Justices of England, and the Court of Common Pleas; the Vice Chancellor, several of the diplomatic corps, as well as the leading Members of the Senate and the Army, and other gentlemen of distinction, her Grace the Duchess of Rutland, and several ladies of rank, in all about three hundred and fifty individuals of both sexes. There were five tables laid out in the hall, which from being prettily ornamented with festoons of flowers attached to pillars along the centre of each, had an extremely picturesque appearance upon entering the room. After dinner the usual toasts were drank, and the respective parties present returned thanks. Messrs. Pyne, Broadhurst, and other professional gentle-men, sung several songs and glees in their happiest style. At a little after nine o'clock the Lady Mayoress and the ladies with-drew, and the gentlemen shortly afterwards rejoined them in the ball-room. 

 At a little before ten o'clock, the ball-room was prepared, and in a short time the most distinguished of the guests repaired thither. The dresses of the ladies were in general particularly elegant. The ball was opened by two of the younger daughters of the Lord Mayor, Misses Ann and Harriett Magnay, who danced the minuet de la cour in so elegant and finished a manner, as elicited general approbation. The quadrilles were led off by the Duke de Cazes and Baron Langsdorff, and were continued with the greatest spirit throughout the night. The centre tables in the Egyptian Hall were removed for the accommodation of the company, but the side tables were retained, and refreshments served out from them in abundance. 

 We believe that in the general participation of pleasure there existed one solitary exception only, in the person of Miss Judith Macgilligan. It unfortunately happened that an opportunity offered not for the display of her graces in the dance. She then became peevishly taciturn, complained of indisposition, and expressing a desire of returning home, the gentlemen consequently assented, and the party left the Mansion-house at an earlier hour than they had either anticipated or desired. 

VOLUME II. Part 2

CHAPTER XV

 "All London is full of vagaries, Of bustle of splendour and show, At every turn the scene varies, Whether near, or still further we go. Each lane has a character in it, Each street has its pauper and beau: And such changes are making each minute, Scarce one from the other we know. The in and out turnings of life, Few persons can well understand; But in London the grand source of strife, Is of fortune to bear the command. Yet some who are high up to day, Acknowledged good sober and witty, May to-morrow be down in decay, In this great and magnanimous city. "

~~203~~~ "Apropos, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, laying down the Timesnewspaper after breakfast, "a fine opportunity is offered to us to day, for a peep at the Citizens of London in their Legislative Assembly, aCourt of Common Council is announced for twelve o'clock, and I think Ican promise you much of entertaining information, by paying a visit atGuildhall and its vicinity. We have several times passed it with merelytaking a view of its exterior, but the interior is equally deserving ofattention, particularly at a period when it is graced by the personagesand appendages which constitute its state and dignity. London isgenerally spoken of as the first commercial city in the known world, andits legislators, as a corporate body, becomes a sort of rallying postfor all others in the kingdom. We have plenty of time before us, andmay lounge a little as we march along to amuse or refresh ourselves atleisure. " "With all my heart, " said Tallyho, "for I have heard muchabout the Lord Mayor, the Sword Bearer, and the Common Hunt, all in abustle, --though I have never yet had an opportunity of seeing any ofthem. "

~~204~~ "They are interesting subjects, I can assure you, so come along, we will take a view of these _Gogs_ and _Magogs_ of civic notoriety, "and thus saying, they were quickly on the road for the city. The morningbeing fine, they took their way down St. James's Street, at the bottomof which their ears were attracted by the sounds of martial musicapproaching. 

"We have nicked the time nicely indeed, " said Dashall, "and may nowenjoy a musical treat, before we proceed to the oratorical one. TheGuards in and about the Palace, are relieved every morning about thistime, for which purpose they are usually mustered at the Horse-Guards, in the Park, where they are paraded in regular order, and then marchedhere. It forms a very pleasing sight for the cockney loungers, for thoseout of employ, and those who have little inclination to be employed; andyou see the crowds that are hastening before them, in order to obtainadmission to Palace Yard, before their arrival--let us join the throng;there is another detachment stationed there ready to receive them, and while they are relieving the men actually on duty, the two bandsalternately amuse the officers and the bye-standers with some of themost admired Overtures and Military Airs. "

They now passed the gate, and quickly found themselves in a motley groupof all descriptions, crowding to the seat of action, and pouring infrom various avenues. Men, women, and children, half-drill'd drummers, bandy-legged fifers, and suckling triangle beaters, with bags of booksand instruments in their hands to assist the band. The colours weremounted as usual on a post in the centre, the men drawn up in ranks, andstanding at ease, while the officers were pacing backwards and forwardsin the front, arm-in-arm with each other, relating the rencontres of thepreceding day, or those in anticipation of the ensuing. This order ofthings was however quickly altered, as the relieving party entered, and at the word "attention, " every officer was at his post, and the menunder arms. Our friends now moved under the piazzas so as to be in therear of the party who had the first possession, and after hearing withgreat admiration the delightful airs played by the two bands, whichhad been the principal object of attraction with them--they proceededthrough the Park and reached Charing Cross, by the way of SpringGardens. 

~~205~~~ "Zounds, " said Tallyho, "this is a very unworthy entrance to aRoyal Park. "

"Admitted, it is so, " was the reply, "and a degradation to the splendidpalace, I mean internally, which is so close to it, and which is thepresent residence of Majesty. " They now proceeded without anything further of consequence worthy of remark, till they reachedVilliers-street. 

"Come, " said Tom, "I perceive we shall have time to take a look at theworld below as well as the world above; "when crossing into the Adelphi, and suddenly giving another turn, he entered what to Bob appeared acavern, and in one moment was obscured from his sight. --"Hallo, " saidTallyho, "where the devil are you leading me to?"--"Never mind, " was thereply; "keep on the right side, and you are safe enough; but if you getinto the centre, beware of the Slough of Despond--don't be afraid. "

Upon this assurance Bob groped his way along for a few paces, and at adistance could discover the glimmering of a lamp, which seemed but tomake darkness more visible. Keeping his eye upon the light, and moreengrossed with the idea of his own safety in such a place than any thingelse, for he could neither conjecture where he was nor whence he wasgoing, he presently came in violent contact with a person whom he couldnot see, and in a moment found himself prostrate on the ground. 

"Hallo, " cried a gruff voice, which sounded through the hollow archesof the place with sepulchral tone--"who the devil are you--why don'tyou mind where you go--you must not come here with your eyes in yourpocket;" and at the same time he heard a spade dug into the earth, whichalmost inspired him with the idea that he should be buried alive. 

"Good God protect, " (exclaimed Bob, ) "where is Dashall--where am I?"

"Where are you--why you're in the mud to be sure--and for aught I know, Dashall and all the rest may be in the clouds; what business have youdashing here--we have enough of the Dandies above, without having thembelow--what have you lost your way, or have you been _nibbling_ in thelight, and want to hide yourself--eh?"

~~206~~~ "Neither, neither, I can assure you; but I have been led here, and my friend is on before. "

"Oh, well, if that's the case, get up, and I'll hail him, --ey-ya-ap"--cried he, in a voice, which seemed like thunder to ourfallen hero, and which was as quickly answered by the well known voiceof his Cousin, who in a few minutes was at his elbow. 

"What now, " vociferated Tom, "I thought I gave you instructions how tofollow, and expected you was just behind me. "

"Why for the matter of that, " cried the unknown, "he was not beforeyou, that's sartin; and he knocked himself down in the mud before everI spoke to him, that's all I know about it--but he don't seem tounderstand the navigation of our parts. "

"I don't wonder at that, " replied Tom; "for he was never here before inhis life--but there is no harm done, is there?"

"None, " replied Bob; "all's right again now--so proceed. "

"Nay, " replied the unknown, "all's not right yet; for if as how thisis your first appearance in the shades below, it is but fair you shouldcome down. "

"Down, " said Bob, "why I have been down--you knock'd me down. "

"Well, never mind, my master, I have set you on your pins again; andbesides that, I likes you very well, for you're down as a hammer, andup again like a watch-box--but to my thinking a drap o'somut good wouldrevive you a little bit; and I should like to drink with you--for youought to pay your footing. "

"And so he shall, " continued Tom--"So come along, my lad. "

By this time Bob had an opportunity of discovering that the person hehad thus unfortunately encountered, was no other than a stout raw-bonedcoalheaver, and that the noise he had heard was occasioned by hissticking his pointed coal-shovel in the earth, with intention to helphim up after his fall. Pursuing their way, and presently turning to theright, Bob was suddenly delighted by being brought from utter darknessinto marvellous light, presenting a view of the river, with boats andbarges passing and repassing with their usual activity. 

"What place is this?" inquired Tallyho. 

~207~~~ "Before you, " replied his Cousin, "is the River Thames; andin the front you will find wharfs and warehouses for the landing andhousing of various merchandize, such as coals, fruit, timber, &c. : weare now under the Adelphi Terrace, where many elegant and fashionablehouses are occupied by persons of some rank in society; these streets, lanes, and subterraneous passages, have been constructed for theconvenience of conveying the various articles landed here into the mainstreets of the metropolis, and form as it were a little world underground. "

"And no bad world neither, " replied the coalheaver, who upon inspectionproved to be no other than Bob Martlet, whom they had met with as oneof the _heavy wet_ party at Charley's Crib--"For there is many a familylives down here, and gets a good bit of bread too; what does it signifywhere a man gets his bread, if he has but an honest appetite to eat itwith: aye, and though I say it, that house in the corner there, justdown by the water's edge, can supply good stuff at all times to washit down with, and that you know's the time of day, my master: this warmweather makes one _dryish_ like, don't it?"

Tom thought the hint dry enough, though Bob was declaring he was almostwet through; however, they took their road to the Fox under the Hill, as it is termed. On entering which a good fire presented itself, andTallyho placed himself in front of it, in order to dry his clothes, while Bob Martlet was busy in inquiring of the landlord for a brush togive the gemman a wipe down, as, he observed, he had a sort of a trip upin these wild parts--though to be sure that there was no great wonder, for a gentleman who was near sighted, and didn't wear spectacles;"however, " continued he, "there an't no harm done; and so the gemman andI are going to drink together--arn't we, Sir?"

Tallyho, who by this time had got well roasted by the fire-side, noddedhis assent, and Dashall inquired what he would like. 

~~208~~~ "Why, my master, as for that, it's not much matter to me; adrap of sky blue in a boulter of barley, {1} with a dollop of sweet, {2}and a little saw dust, {3} is no bad thing according to my thinking; butLord bless you! if so be as how a gemman like you offers to treat BillMartlet, 1 A boulter of barley--a drink--or a pot of porter. 

 2 A dollop of sweet--sugar. 

 3 Saw-dust--a cant term for ginger or nutmeg grated. 

why Bill Martlet never looks a gift horse in the mouth, you know, as theold saying is; but our landlord knows how to make such rum stuff, as Ishould like you to taste it--we call it hot, don't us, landlord?--Come, lend us hold of the brush?" "Ave, and brush up, Mr. Landlord, " said theHon. Tom Dashall; "let us have a taste of this nectar he's talking of, for we have not much time to stop. "

"Lord bless your eye sight, " replied Martlet, "there an't no occasionwhatsomdever for your honours to stay--if you'll only give the order, and push about the possibles, the business is all done. Come, shovel upthe sensible, " continued he to the landlord, "mind you give us the realdouble XX. I don't think your coat is any the worse, it would sarve mefor a Sunday swell toggery for a twelve-month to come yet; for our dirtdown here is as I may say clean dirt, and d------me if I don't think itlooks all the better for it. "

"Thank you, my friend, " said Bob; "that will do very well, " and thelandlord having by this time completed his cookery, produced the goodstuff, as Martlet termed it. 

"Come, gentlemen, this is the real right sort, nothing but the bang-uparticle, arn't it, my master? But as I always likes the landlord totaste it first, by way of setting a good example, just be after tellingus what you think of it. "

"With all my heart, " said the landlord; who declared it was as prime apot of hot as he had made for the last fortnight. . 

With this recommendation our friends tried it; and after tipping, tooktheir departure, under the positive assurance of Martlet, that he shouldbe very glad to see them again at any time. 

They now pursued their way through other subterraneous passages, wherethey met waggons, carts, and horses, apparently as actively and usefullyemployed as those above ground. 

"Come, " said Tom, "we have suffered time to steal a inarch upon us, " asthey reached the Strand; "we will therefore take the first" _rattler_we can meet with, and make the best of our way for the City. "--Thiswas soon accomplished, and jumping into the coach, the old _Jarvey_was desired to drive them as expeditiously as possible to the corner ofKing-street, Cheapside. ~~209~~~

CHAPTER XVI

 "How wretched those who tasteless live, And say this world no joys can give: Why tempts yon turtle sprawling, Why smoaks the glorious haunch, Are these not joys still calling To bless our mortal paunch? O 'tis merry in the Hall When beards wag all, What a noise and what a din; How they glitter round the chin; Give me fowl and give me fish, Now for some of that nice dish; Cut me this, Sir, cut me that, Send me crust, and send me fat. Some for tit bits pulling hauling, Legs, wings, breast, head, --some for liquor, scolding, bawling, Hock, port, white, red, here 'tis cramming, cutting, slashing, There the grease and gravy splashing, Look, Sir, look, Sir, what you've done, Zounds, you've cut off the Alderman's thumb. "

The Hon. Tom Dashall, who was fully aware that City appointments fortwelve o'clock mean one, was nevertheless anxious to arrive at theirplace of destination some time before the commencement of the businessof the day; and fortunately meeting with no obstruction on the road, they were set down at the corner of King-street, about half-past twelve. 

"Come, " said he, "we shall now have time to look about us at leisure, and observe the beauties of this place of civic festivity. The Hall yousee in front of you, is the place devoted to the entertainment usuallygiven by the Lord Mayor on his entrance upon the duties and dignities ofhis office. It is a fine gothic building, in which the various courtsof the city are held. The citizens also meet there for the purpose ofchoosing their representatives in Parliament, the Lord Mayor, Sheriffs, &c. It was originally built in the year 1411, previous to which periodthe public, or as they term it the Common Hall, was held at a small roomin Aldermanbury. 

~~210~~~ The expense Of the building was defrayed by voluntarysubscription, and its erection occupied twenty years. It was seriouslydamaged by the fire of 1666, since which the present edifice, with theexception of the new gothic front, has been erected. That, however, was not finished till the year 1789, and many internal improvements anddecorations have been introduced since. There is not much of attractionin its outward appearance. That new building on the right has recentlybeen erected for the accommodation of Meetings of Bankrupts; and on theleft is the Justice-Room, where the Aldermen attend daily in rotation asmagistrates to decide petty causes; but we must not exhaust our time nowupon them. "

On entering the Hall, Tallyho appeared to be highly pleased with itsextent, and was presently attracted by the monuments which it contains. "It is a noble room, " said he. --"Yes, " replied Tom, "this Hall is153 feet in length, 48 in breadth, and the height to the roof is 55. "Tallyho was, however, more engaged in examining the monument erected tothe memory of Lord Nelson, and an occasional glance at the two enormousfigures who stand at opposites, on the left of the entrance. --Havingread the tablet, and admired the workmanship of the former, he hastilyturned to the latter. "And who in the name of wonder are these?" heinquired. 

"These, " replied his communicative Cousin, "are called _Gog_ and_Magog_. They are two ancient giants carved in wood, one holding along staff suspending a ball stuck with pikes, and the other a halbert, supposed to be of great antiquity, and to represent an ancient Britonand a Saxon. They formerly used to stand on each side of that staircasewhich leads to the Chamberlain's Office, the Courts of King's Bench andCommon Pleas, the Court of Aldermen, and the Common Council Chamber. Atthe other end are two fine monuments, to the memory of Lord Chatham, thefather of Mr. Pitt, and his Son. The windows are fine specimens ofthe revived art of painting on glass. There is also a monument of Mr. Beckford. "

While they were taking a view of these several objects of curiosity, their attention was suddenly attracted by a confused noise and bustleat the door, which announced the arrival of the Lord Mayor and hisattendants, who passed them in state, and were followed by our friendsto the Council Chamber; on entering which, they were ~~211~~~ directedby the City Marshall, who guarded the door, to keep below the bar. Tallyho gazed with admiration and delight on the numerous pictures withwhich the Chamber is decorated, as well as the ceiling, which forms, adome, with a skylight in the centre. The Lord Mayor having first enteredthe Court of Aldermen, the business of the day had not yet commenced. Tom directed his Cousin's eye in the first instance to the very largeand celebrated painting by Copley, which fronts the Lord Mayor'schair, and represents the destruction of the floating batteries beforeGibraltar, to commemorate the gallant defence of that place by GeneralElliott, afterwards Lord Heath field, in 1782. The statue of the lateKing George the Third; the death of David Rizzio, by Opie; the miseriesof Civil War, from Shakespeare; Domestic Happiness, exemplified inportraits of an Alderman and his family; the death of Wat Tyler; therepresentation of the Procession of the Lord Mayor to Westminster Hall, by water; and the ceremony of swearing in the Lord Mayor at Guildhall, in 1781; containing portraits of all the principal members of theCorporation of London at that time. Meanwhile the benches were fillingwith the Deputies and Common Councilmen from their several wards. At oneo'clock, the Lord Mayor entered the Court, attended by several Aldermen, who took their seats around him, and the business of the day commenced. Among those on the upper seats, Tom gave his Cousin to understand whichwere the most popular of the Aldermen, and named in succession Messrs. Waithman, Wood, Sir Claudius Stephen Hunter, Birch, Flower, and Curtis;and as their object was not so much to hear the debates as to see theform and know the characters, he proposed an adjournment from theirpresent rather uncomfortable situation, where they were obliged to standwedged in, by the crowd continually increasing, during which they couldtake a few more observations, and he could give some little clue to theorigin and present situations of the persons to whom he had directed hisCousin's attention. Making the best of their way out of the Court, theyfound themselves in an anti-room, surrounded by marshalmen, beadles ofWards waiting for their Aldermen, and the Lord Mayor's and Sheriffs'footmen, finding almost as much difficulty to proceed, as they hadbefore encountered. 

~~212~~~ Having struggled through this formidable phalanx of judicialand state appendages, "Now, " said Dashall, "we shall be enabled to breathe again at liberty, and make our observations without fear; for where we have just quitted, there is scarcely any possibility of making a remark without having itsnapped up by newspaper reporters, and retailers of anecdotes; here, however, we can indulge _ad libitum_. "

"Yes, " replied Tallyho, "and having seen thus far, I am a littleinquisitive to know more. I have, it is true, at times seen the namesof the parties you pointed out to me in the daily prints, but a sight oftheir persons in their official stations excites stronger curiosity. "

"Then, " said Tom, "according to promise I will give you a sort ofbrief sketch of some of them. The present Lord Mayor is a very eminentwholesale stationer, carrying on an extensive trade in Queen-street;he ought to have filled the chair before this, but some temporarycircumstances relative to his mercantile concerns induced him to give uphis rotation. He has since removed the obstacle, and has been electedby his fellow-citizens to the high and important office of ChiefMagistrate. I believe he has not signalized himself by any remarkablecircumstance, but he has the character of being a worthy man. Perhapsthere are few in the Court of Aldermen who have obtained more deservedlythe esteem of the Livery of London, than Alderman Waithman, whoseexertions have long been directed to the correction of abuses, and whorepresented them as one of their members during the last Parliament, when he displaced the mighty Alderman Curtis. Waithman is of humbleorigin, and has, like many others of Civic notoriety, worked his wayby perseverance and integrity as a linen-draper, to respectableindependence, and the hearts of his fellow-citizens: he has served theoffice of Sheriff, and during that time acted with a becoming spirit atthe death of the late Queen, by risking his own life to save others. Hispolitical sentiments are on the opposition side, consequently he is nofavorite with ministers. "

"And if he were, " replied Tallyho, "that would scarcely be considered anhonour. "

"True, " continued Tom, "but then it might lead to profit, as it has donewith many others, though he appears to hold such very light. 

~~213~~~ "Alderman Wood has not yet been so fortunate as the celebratedWhittington, whom you may recollect was thrice Lord Mayor of London; buthe has had the honour to serve that office during two succeeding years:he is a member of Parliament, and his exertions in behalf of the lateQueen, if they have done him no great deal of good among the higherpowers, are at least honourable to his heart. 

"Of Sir Claudius Stephen Hunter there is but little to be said, except that he has served the office, and been a Colonel of the CityMilitia--led off the ball at a Jew's wedding--used to ride a whitecharger--and is so passionately fond of military parade, that hadhe continued another year in the office, the age of chivalry wouldcertainly have been revived in the East, and knights-errant and esquireshave completely superseded merchants, traders, and shopkeepers. 

"Alderman Birch is an excellent pastry-cook, and that perhaps is thebest thing that can be said of him: he has written some dramatic pieces;but the pastry is beyond all comparison best of the two, and he needs noother passport to fame, at least with his fellow-citizens. 

"But last, though not least, under our present consideration, comes therenowned Sir William, a plain bluff John Bull; he is said to be theson of a presbyterian citizen, and was rigidly educated in his father'sreligion. He obtained the alderman's gown, and represented the City inthe year 1790: he is a good natured, and, I believe, a good hearted manenough, though he has long been a subject for satirical wit. He was LordMayor in 1796: you may recollect what was related of him by the literarylabourer we met with in the Park--anecdotes and caricatures have beenpublished in abundance upon him: he may, however, be considered invarious points of view--as an alderman and a biscuit baker--as afisherman "--

"How!" cried Tallyho!

"Why, as a fisherman, he is the Polyphemus of his time. 

 "His rod was made out of the strongest oak, His line a cable which no storm e'er broke, His hook was baited with a dragon's tail, He sat upon a rock and bobb'd for a whale. "

"Besides which, " continued Dashall, "he is a great sailor; has a yachtof his own, and generally accompanies

~~214~~~ Royalty on aquatic excursions. I remember a laughablecaricature, exhibiting the alderman in his own vessel, with a turtlesuspended on a pole, with the following lines, in imitation ofBlack-eyed Susan, said to be written by Mr. Jekyll:--

 "All in the Downs the fleet lay moor'd, The streamers waving in the wind, When Castlereagh appeared on board, 'Ah where shall I my Curtis find. Tell me ye jovial sailors, tell me true, Does my fat William sail among your crew. '"

He is a banker, a loan-monger, and a contractor, a member of Parliament, and an orator; added to which, he may be said to be a man of witand humour--at all events he is the cause of it in others. His firstoccupations have procured him great wealth, and his wit and humour greatfame. 

"The worthy Alderman's hospitality to the late good humoured andgossiping James Boswell, the humble follower and biographer of Dr. Johnson, is well known; and it is probable that the pleasures of thetable, in which no man more joyously engaged, shortened his life. Towrite the life of a great man is no easy task, and to write that of abig one may be no less arduous. Whether the Alderman really expected tobe held up to future fame by the Biographer of Johnson, cannot bevery easily ascertained; however that wish and expectation, if it everexisted, was completely frustrated by the death of poor Boswell. 

"I recollect to have seen some lines of the worthy Alderman, on theglorious victory of the Nile, which shew at once his patriotism, hiswit, and his resolution, in that he is not to be laughed out of thememorable toast he once gave--

 "Great Nelson, in the grandest stile, Bore down upon the shores of Nile, And there obtained a famous victory, Which puzzled much the French Directory. The impudence of them there fellows, As all the newspapers do tell us, Had put the grand Turk in a pet, Which caus'd him send to Nelson an aigrette; Likewise a grand pelisse, a noble boon-- Then let us hope--a speedy peace and soon. "{1}

 1 Whether the following lines are from the same hand or not, we are unable to ascertain; at least they wear a great similarity of character:

 I give you the three glorious C's. 

 Our Church, Constitution, and King; Then fill up three bumpers to three noble Vs. Wine, Women, and Whale fish-ing. 

~~215~~~ "Egad, " said Bob, "if this be true, he appears to knock uprhymes almost as well as he could bake biscuits" (smothering a laugh. )

"Why, " replied Dashall, "I believe that it has not been positivelyascertained that these lines, which unlike other poetry, contain nofiction, but plain and undeniable matter of fact, were wholly indicatedby the worthy Alderman; indeed it is not impossible but that hisworship's barber might have had a hand in their composition. It wouldbe hard indeed, if in his operations upon the Alderman's pericranium, he should not have absorbed some of the effluvia of the wit and geniuscontained therein; and in justice to this operator on his chin andcaput, I ought to give you a specimen which was produced by him upon theelection of his Lordship to the Mayoralty--

 "Our present Mayor is William Curtis, A man of weight and that your sort is. "

"This epigrammatic distich, which cannot be said to be destitute ofpoint, upon being read at table, received, as it deserved, a large shareof commendation; and his Lordship declared to the company present, thatit had not taken his barber above three hours to produce it extempore. "

Tallyho laughed heartily at these satirical touches upon the poorAlderman. 

"However, " continued Tom, "a man with plenty of money can bear laughingat, and sometimes laughs at himself, though I suspect he will hardlylaugh or produce a laugh in others, by what he stated in his seat inthe House of Commons, on the subject of the riots{1} at Knightsbridge. I suspect his wit and good humour will hardly protect him in thatinstance. "

 1 On a motion made by Mr. Favell in the Court of Common Council, on the 21st of March, the following resolution was passed, indicative of the opinion that Court entertained of the conduct of Alderman Curtis on the occasion here alluded to:

 "That Sir William Curtis, Bart, having acknowledged in his place in this Court, that a certain speech now read was delivered by him in the House of Commons, in which, among other matters which he stated respecting the late riot at Knightsbridge, he said, 'That he had been anxious that a Committee should investigate this question, because he wished to let the world know the real character of this Great Common Council, who were always meddling with matters which they had nothing to do with, and which were far above their wisdom and energy. It was from such principles they had engaged in the recent inquiry, which he would contend they had no right to enter upon. Not only was evidence selected, but questions were put to draw such answers as the party putting them desired. '

 "That the conduct of Sir William Curtis, one of the repre- sentatives of this City in Parliament, lias justly merited the censure and indignation of this Court and of his fellow Citizens. "

~~216~~~ After taking a cursory look into the Chamberlain's Office, theCourt of King's Bench and Common Pleas, they took their departure fromGuildhall, very well satisfied with their morning's excursion. 

It was between three and four o'clock when our friends left the Hall. Tom Dashalt, being upon the qui vive, determined to give his Cousin achevy for the remainder of the day; and for this purpose, it being ona Friday, he proposed a stroll among the Prad-sellers in Smithfield, where, after partaking of a steak and a bottle at Dolly's, theyaccordingly repaired. 

"You will recollect, " said Tom, "that you passed through Smithfield(which is our principal cattle market) during the time of BartholomewFair; but you will now find it in a situation so different, that youwould scarcely know it for the same place: you will now see it fullof horse-jockeys, publicans, pugilists, and lads upon the lark likeourselves, who having no real business either in the purchase or sale ofthe commodities of the market, are watching the manners and manouvres ofthose who have. "

As Tom was imparting this piece of information to his attentive Cousin, they were entering Smithfield by the way of Giltspur-street, and weremet by a man having much the appearance of a drover, who by the dodgingmovements of his stick directly before their eyes, inspired our friendsso strongly with the idea of some animal being behind them which theycould not see, and from which danger was to be apprehended, that theysuddenly broke from each other, and fled forward for safety, at whicha roar of laughter ensued from the byestanders, who ~~217~~~ perceivingthe hoax, recommended the dandies to take care they did not dirty theirboots, or get near the hoofs of the _prancing prads_, Tom was not muchdisconcerted at this effort of practical jocularity, though his Cousinseemed to have but little relish for it. 

"Come along, " said Tom, catching him by the arm, and impelling himforward, "although this is not Bartholomew Fair time, you must considerall fair at the horse-fair, unless you are willing to put up with ahorse-laugh. "

Struggling through crowds who appeared to be buying, selling, orbargaining for the lame, the broken winded, and spavined prads ofvarious sizes, prices, and pretensions, "There is little difference, " said Tom, "between this place as a marketfor horses, and any similar mart in the kingdom, Here the friend and the brother Meet to humbug each other, except that perhaps a little more refinement on the arts of gullingmay be found; and it is no very uncommon thing for a stolen nag tobe offered for sale in this market almost before the knowledge of hisabsence is ascertained by the legal owner. --I have already given yousome information on the general character of horse-dealers during ourvisit to Tattersal's; but every species of trick and low chicanery ispractised, of which numerous instances might be produced; and though Iadmit good horses are sometimes to be purchased here, it requires aman to be perfectly upon his guard as to who he deals with, and how hedeals, although the regulations of the market are, generally speaking, good. "

"I wouldn't have him at no price, " said a costermonger, who it appearedwas bargaining for a donkey; "the h------y sulkey b------ von't budge, he's not vorth a fig out of a horses------. "

"I knows better as that 'are, " cried a chimney-sweeper; "for no betteran't no vare to be had; he's long backed and strong legged. Here, Bill, you get upon him, and give him rump steaks, and he'll run like the devila'ter a parson. "

Here Bill, a little blear-eyed chimney-sweeper, mounted the poor animal, and belaboured him most unmercifully, without producing any other effectthan kicking up behind, and most effectually placing poor Bill in the

~~218~~~ mud, to the great discomfiture of the donkey seller, and themirth of the spectators. The animal brayed, the byestanders laughed, andthe bargain, like poor Bill, was off. 

After a complete turn round Smithfield, hearing occasionally thechaffing of its visitants, and once or twice being nearly run over, they took their departure from this scene of bustle, bargaining, andconfusion, taking their way down King-street, up Holborn Hill, and alongGreat Queen-street. 

"Now, " said Tom, "we will have a look in at Covent Garden Theatre; theExile is produced there with great splendour. The piece is certainly gotup in a style of the utmost magnificence, and maintains its ground inthe theatre rather upon that score than its really interesting dialogue, though some of the scenes are well worked up, and have powerful claimsupon approbation. The original has been altered, abridged, and (by sometermed) amended, in order to introduce a gorgeous coronation, a popularspecies of entertainment lately. "

Upon entering the theatre, Tallyho was almost riveted in attentionto the performance, and the latter scene closed upon him with all itssplendid pageantry before he discovered that his Cousin had given himthe slip, and a dashing cyprian of the first order was seated at hiselbow, with whom entering into a conversation, the minutes were notmeasured till Dashall's return, who perceiving he was engaged, appearedinclined to retire, and leave the cooing couple to their apparentlyagreeable tete-a-tete. Bob, however, observing him, immediately wishedhis fair incognita good night, and joined his Cousin. 

"D------d dull, " said Tom, --"all weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable. "

"But very grand, " rejoined Bob. 

"I have found nothing to look at, " replied Tom; "I have hunted everypart of the House, and only seen two persons I know. "

"And I, " said Tallyho, "have been all the while looking at the piece. "

"Which piece do you mean, the one beside you, or the one before you?"

"The performance--The Coronation. "

"I have had so much of that, " said Tom, "that finding you so close inattention to the stage, that I could get no ~~219~~~ opportunity ofspeaking to you, I have been hunting for other game, and have almostwearied myself in the pursuit without success; so that I am for quittingthe premises, and making a call at a once celebrated place near at hand, which used to be called the Finish. Come along, therefore, unless youhave 'mettle more attractive;' perhaps you have some engagements?"

"None upon earth to supersede the one I have with you, " was the reply. Upon which they left the House, and soon found themselves in CoventGarden Market. "This, " said Tom, "has been the spot of many larks andsprees of almost all descriptions, ana election wit has been as cheapin the market as any of the vegetables of the venders; but I am goingto take you to a small house that has in former times been the resort ofthe greatest wits of the age. Sheridan, Fox, and others of their time, have not disdained to be its inmates, nor is it now deserted by thevotaries of genius, though considerably altered, and conducted ina different manner: it still, however, affords much amusement andaccommodation. It was formerly well known by the appellation of the_Finish_, and was not opened till a late hour in the night, and, as atthe present moment, is generally shut up between 11 and 12 o'clock, and re-opened for the accommodation of the market people at 4 in themorning. The most respectable persons resident in the neighbourhoodassemble to refresh themselves after the labours of the day with a glassof ale, spirits, or wine, as they draw no porter. The landlord is apleasant fellow enough, and there is a pretty neat dressing young lassin the bar, whom I believe to be his sister--this is the house. "

"House, " said Bob, "why this is a deviation from the customary buildingsof London; it appears to have no up stairs rooms. "

"Never mind that, " continued Dashall, "there is room enough for us, Idare say; and after your visit to the Woolpack, I suppose you can standsmoke, if you can't stand fire. "

By this time they had entered the Carpenter's Arms, when turning shortround the bar, they found themselves in a small room, pretty well filledwith company, enjoying their glasses, and puffing their pipes: in theright hand corner sat an undertaker, who having just obtained a victoryover his opposite neighbour, was humming a stave ~~220~~~ to himselfindicative of his satisfaction at the result of the contest, which itafterwards appeared was for two mighty's;{1} while his opponent wasshrugging up his shoulders with a feeling of a very different kind. 

"It's of no use, " said Jemmy, {2} as they called him, "for you to enterthe lists along with me, for you know very well I must have you atlast. "

"And no doubt it will prove a good fit, " said an elderly shoemakerof respectable appearance, who seemed to command the reverence of thecompany, "for all of us are subject to the _pinch_. "

"There's no certainty of his assertion, however, " replied theunsuccessful opponent of Jemmy. 

"Surely not, "{3} said another most emphatically, taking a pinch ofsnuff, and offering it to the shoemaker; "for you know Jemmy may come tothe finch before John. "

 1 "Mighty. "--This high sounding title has recently been given to a full glass of ale, --the usual quantity of what is termed a glass being half a pint, generally supplied in a large glass which would hold more--and which when filled is consequently subjected to an additional charge. 

 2 To those who are in the habit of frequenting the house, this gentleman will immediately be known, as he usually smokes his pipe there of an afternoon and evening. 

 "With his friend and his pipe puffing sorrow away, And with honest old stingo still soaking his clay. "

 With a certain demonstration before him of the mortality of human life, he deposits the bodies of his friends and neighbours in the earth, and buries the recollection of them in a cloud, determined, it should seem, to verify the words of the song, that

 "The right end of life is to live and be jolly. "

 His countenance and manners seldom fail to excite risibility, not-withstanding the solemnity of his calling, and there can be little doubt but he is the finisher of many, after the Finish; he is, however, generally good humoured, communicative, and facetious, and seldom refuses to see any person in company for a mighty, usually concluding the result with a mirthful ditty, or a doleful countenance, according to the situation in which he is left as a winner or a loser; and in either case accompanied with a brightness of visage, or a dull dismal countenance, indicative of the event, which sets description at defiance, and can only be judged of by being seen. 

 3 "Surely not, " are words in such constant use by one gentleman who is frequently to be met in this room, that the character alluded to can scarcely be mistaken: he is partial to a pinch of snuff, but seldom carries a box of his own. He is a resident in the neighbour-hood, up to snuff, and probably, like other men, sometimes snuffy; this, however, without disparagement to his general character, which is that of a respectable tradesman. He is fond of a lark, a bit of gig, and an argument; has a partiality for good living, a man of feeling, and a dealer in felt, who wishes every one to wear the cap that fits him. 

~~221~~~ "Never mind, " continued Jemmy, "I take my chance in this life, and sing _toll de roll loll_. "

By this time our friends, being supplied with mighties, joined in thelaugh which was going round at the witty sallies of the speakers. 

"It is possible I may go first, " said the undertaker, resuming his pipe;"and if I should, I can't help it. "

"Surely not, --but I tell you what, Jemmy, if you are not afraid, I'llsee you for two more mighties before I go, and I summons you to shewcause. "

"D------n your summons, "{1} cried the former unsuccessful opponent ofthe risible undertaker, who at the word summons burst into a heartylaugh, in which he was immediately joined by all but the last speaker. 

"The summons is a sore place, " said Jemmy. 

"Surely not. I did not speak to him, I spoke to you, Sir; and I have aright to express myself as I please: if that gentleman has an antipathyto a summons, am I to be tongue-tied? Although he may sport withsovereigns, he must be accountable to plebeians; and if I summons you toshew cause, I see no reason why he should interrupt our conversation. "

 1 "D-----n your summons. " This, as one of the company afterwards remarked, was a sore place, and uttered at a moment when the irritation was strong on the affected part. The speaker is a well known extensive dealer in the pottery, Staffordshire, and glass line, who a short time since in a playful humour caught a sovereign, tossed up by another frequenter of the room, and passed it to a third. The original possessor sought restitution from the person who took the sovereign from his hand, but was referred to the actual possessor, but refused to make the application. The return of the money was formally demanded of the man of porcelain, pitchers, and pipkins, without avail. In this state of things the loser obtained a summons against the taker, and the result, as might be expected, was compulsion to restore the lost sovereign to the loving subject, together with the payment of the customary expenses, a circumstance which had the effect of causing great anger in the mind of the dealer in brittle wares. Whether he broke any of the valuable articles in his warehouse in consequence has not been ascertained, but it appears for a time to have broken a friendship between the parties concerned: such breaches, however, are perhaps easier healed than broken or cracked crockery. 

~~222~~~ "Surely not, " was reverberated round the room, accompanied witha general laugh against the interrupter, who seizing the paper, appearedto read without noticing what was passing. 

The company was now interrupted by the entrance of several strangers, and our two friends departed on their return homeward for the evening. 

CHAPTER XVII

 "Roam where you will, o'er London's wide domains, The mind new source of various feeling gains; Explore the giddy town, its squares, its streets, The 'wildered eye still fresh attraction greets; Here spires and towers in countless numbers rise, And lift their lofty summits to the skies; Wilt thou ascend? then cast thine eyes below, And view the motley groupes of joy and woe: Lo! they whom Heaven with affluence hath blest, Scowl with cold contumely on those distrest; And Pleasure's maze the wealthy caitiffs thread, While care-worn Merit asks in vain for bread; Yet short their weal or woe, a general doom On all awaits, --oblivion in the tomb!"

~~223~~~ Our heros next morning determined on a visit to theirHibernian friend and his aunt, whom they found had not yet forgot theentertainment at the Mansion-house, and which still continued to be thefavorite topic of conversation. Sir Felix expressed his satisfactionthat the worthy Citizens of London retained with increasing splendortheir long established renown of pre-eminent distinction in the art ofgood living. 

"And let us hope, " said Dashall, "that they will not at any futureperiod be reduced to the lamentable necessity of restraining theprogress of epicurism, as in the year 1543, when the Lord Mayor andCommon Council enacted a sumptuary law to prevent luxurious eating; bywhich it was ordered, that the Mayor should confine himself to seven, Aldermen and Sheriffs to six, and the Sword-bearer to four dishesat dinner or supper, under the penalty of forty shillings for eachsupernumerary dish!"

"A law, " rejoined the Baronet, "which voluptuaries of the presenttimes would find more difficult of observance than any enjoined by thedecalogue. "

The Squire suggested the expediency of a similar enactment, with aview to productive results; for were the ~~224~~~ wealthy citizens (heobserved) prohibited the indulgence of luxurious eating, under certainpenalties, the produce would be highly beneficial to the civic treasury. 

The Fine Arts claiming a priority of notice, the party determined onvisiting a few of the private and public Exhibitions. 

London is now much and deservedly distinguished for the cultivation ofthe fine arts. The commotions on the continent operated as a hurricaneon the productions of

genius, and the finest works of ancient and modern times ave beenremoved from their old situations to the asylum afforded by the woodenwalls of Britain. Many of them have, therefore, been consigned to thiscountry, and are now in the collections of our nobility and gentry, chiefly in and about the metropolis. 

Although France may possess the greatest number of the larger works ofthe old masters, yet England undoubtedly possesses the greatest portionof their first-rate productions, which is accounted for by the greatpainters exerting all their talents on such pictures as were not toolarge to be actually painted by their own hands, while in their largerworks they resorted to inferior assistance. Pictures, therefore, of thiskind, being extremely valuable, and at the same time portable, England, during the convulsions on the Continent, was the only place where suchpaintings could obtain a commensurate price. Such is the wealth ofindividuals in this country, that some of these pictures now described, belonging to private collections, were purchased at the great prices often and twelve thousand guineas each. 

Amongst the many private collections of pictures, statues, &c. Inthe metropolis, that of the Marquis of Stafford, called the ClevelandGallery, is the most prominent, being the finest collection of the oldmasters in England, and was principally selected from the works thatformerly composed the celebrated Orleans Gallery, and others, which atthe commencement of the French revolution were brought to this country. Thither, then, our tourists directed their progress, and through themediation of Dashall access was obtained without difficulty. 

The party derived much pleasure in the inspection of this collection, which contains two or three fine pictures of Raphael, several by Titianand the Caracas, some ~~225~~~ capital productions of the Dutch andFlemish schools, and some admirable productions of the English school, particularly two by Wilson, one by Turner, and one by Vobson, amounting, in the whole, to 300 first-rate pictures by the first masters, admirablydistributed in the new gallery, the drawing-room, the Poussin room(containing eight chef d'oeuvres of that painter), the passage-room, dining-room, old anti-room, old gallery, and small room. The nobleproprietor has liberally appropriated one day in the week for the publicto view these pictures. The curiosity of. The visitors being nowamply gratified, they retired, Sir Felix much pleased with the politeattention of the domestic who conducted them through the differentapartments, to whom Miss Macgilligan offered a gratuity, but theacceptance of which was, with courteous acknowledgments, declined. 

Proceeding to the house of Mr. Angerstein, Pall Mall, our party obtainedleave to inspect a collection, not numerous, but perhaps the most selectof any in London, and which has certainly been formed at the greatestexpense in proportion to its numbers. Among its principal ornaments arefour of the finest landscapes by Claude; the Venus and Adonis, andthe Ganymede, by Titian, from the Colonna palace at Rome; a very finelandscape by Poussin, and other works by Velasquez, Rubens, Murillo, and Vandyck: to all which is added the invaluable series of Hogarth'sMarriage-a-la-mode. 

Returning along Pall-Mall, our perambulators now reached the Gallery ofthe British Institution; a Public Exhibition, established in the year1805, under the patronage of his late Majesty, for the encouragement andreward of the talents of British artists, exhibiting during half of theyear a collection of the works of living artists for sale; and duringthe other half year, it is furnished with pictures painted by the mostcelebrated masters, for the study of the academic and other pupils inpainting. The Institution, now patronised by his present Majesty, issupported by the subscriptions of the principal nobility and gentry, andthe number of pictures sold under their influence is very considerable. The gallery was first opened on April 17, 1806. 

In 1813, the public were gratified by a display of the best works ofSir Joshua Reynolds, collected by the industry and influence of thecommittee, from the private ~~226~~~ collections of the royal family, nobility, and gentry; and in 1814, by a collection of 221 pictures ofthose inimitable painters, Hogarth, Gainsborough, and Wilson. {1}

 1 That the Fine Arts engaged not a little of the attention of the British Public during the late reign, is a fact too notorious to require proof. The establishment of the Royal Academy, in 1768, and its consequent yearly Exhibitions, awakened the observation or stimulated the vanity of the easy and the affluent, of the few who had taste, and of the many who were eager to be thought the possessors of it, to a subject already honoured by the solicitude of the sovereign. A considerable proportion of the public was thus induced to talk of painting and painters, and to sit for a portrait soon became the fashion; a fashion, strange to say, which has lasted ever since. Whether the talents of Sir Joshua Reynolds as a painter, were alone the cause of his high reputation, may, however, admit of a doubt. From an early period of life, he had the good fortune to be associated in friendship with several of the most eminent literary characters of the age; amongst whom there were some whose high rank and personal consequence in the country greatly assisted him to realize one leading object which he had in view, that of uniting in himself (perhaps for the first time in the person of an English painter) the artist and the man of fashion. From his acknowledged success in the attainment of this object, tending as it did to the subversion of ancient prejudices degrading to art, what beneficial effects might not have resulted, had the President exerted his influence to sustain the dignity of the artist in others! But satisfied with the place in society which he himself had gained, he left the rest of the Academy to follow his example, if they could, seldom or never mixing with them in company, and contenting himself with the delivery of an annual lecture to the students. Genius is of spontaneous growth, but education, independence, and never-ceasing opportunity, are necessary to its full developement. 

Since then they have regularly two annual exhibitions; one, of the bestworks of the old masters, for the improvement of the public taste, and knowledge of the artists, varied by some of the deceased Britishartists, alternately with that on their old plan of the exhibition andsale of the works of living artists. 

The directors of this laudable Institution have also exhibited andprocured the loan for study, of one or two of the inimitable cartoonsof Raphael for their students. An annual private exhibition of theirstudies also takes place yearly; the last of which displayed such adegree of merit as no society or academy in Europe could equal. 

Sir Felix, who on a former occasion had expressed a wish to acquire theart of verse-writing, was so much satisfied with his inspection of thisexhibition, that he ~~227~~~became equally emulous of attaining thesister-art of painting; but Dashall requested him to suspend at presenthis choice, as perhaps he might alternately prefer the acquisition ofmusic. 

"In that case, " rejoined the Baronet, "I must endeavour to acquire theknack of rhyming extempore, that I may accompany the discordant musicwith correspondent doggerels to the immortal memory of the heroicachievements of my revered Aunt's mighty progenitor--O'Brien king ofUlster. "

This expression of contempt cast by the Baronet on the splendor of theancient provincial sovereign of the north, had nearly created an openrupture between his aunt and him. Tallyho, however, happily succeededin effecting an amnesty for the past, on promise under his guarantee ofamendment for the future. 

The party now migrated by Spring Garden Gate into the salubrious regionsof St. James's Park, and crossing its eastern extremity, took post ofobservation opposite the Horse Guards, an elegant building of stone, that divides Parliament-street from St. James's Park, to which it isthe principal entrance. The architect was Ware, and the building costupwards of £30, 000. It derives its name from the two regiments of LifeGuards (usually called the Horse Guards) mounting guard there. 

"Here is transacted, " said Dashall, "all the business of theBritish army in a great variety of departments, consisting of theCommander-in-Chief's Office, --the Offices of the Secretary-at-War, --theAdjutant-General's Office, --the Quarter-Master-General'sOffice, --besides the Orderly Rooms for the three regiments of FootGuards, whose arms are kept here. These three regiments, containingabout 7000 men, including officers, and two regiments of Horse Guards, consisting together of 1200 men, at once serve as appendages to theKing's royal state, and form a general military establishment for themetropolis. A body called the Yeomen of the Guard, consisting of 100men, remains a curious relic of the dress of the King's guards in thefifteenth century. Some Light Horse are stationed at the Barracks inHyde Park, to attend his Majesty, or other members of the Royal Family, chiefly in travelling; and to do duty on occasions immediately connectedwith the King's administration. 

~~228~~~ "On the left is the Admiralty (anciently Wallingford House), containing the offices and apartments of the Lords Commissioners whosuperintend the marine department of this mighty empire. 

"On the right is the Treasury and Secretary of State's Offices. Here, in fact, is performed the whole State business of the British Empire. Inone building is directed the movements of those fleets, whose thundersrule every sea, and strike terror into every nation. In the centre isdirected the energies of an army, hitherto invincible in the field, and which, number for number, would beat any other army in the world. Adjoining are the executive departments with relation to civil anddomestic concerns, to foreign nations, and to our exterior colonies. Andto finish the groupe, here is that wonderful Treasury, which receivesand pays above a hundred millions per annum. "

Entering Parliament-street from the Horse-Guards, our perambulators nowproceeded to Westminster-bridge, {1} which passing, they paid a visit toCoade and Sealy's Gallery of Artificial Stone, Westminster-bridge-road. 

 1 Westminster Bridge. This bridge was built between the years 1730 and 1750, and cost £389, 000. It is 1223 feet long, and 44 feet wide; containing 14 piers, and 13 large and two small semicircular arches; and has on its top 28 semi-octangular towers, twelve of which are covered with half domes. The two middle piers contain each 3000 solid feet, or 200 tons of Portland stone. The middle arch is 76 feet wide, the two next 72 feet, and the last 25 feet. The free-water way between the piers is 870 feet. This bridge is esteemed one of the most beautiful in the world. Every part is fully and properly supported, and there is no false bearing or false joint throughout the whole structure; as a remarkable proof of which, we may quote the extraordinary echo of its corresponding towers, a person in one being able to hear the whispers of a person opposite, though at the distance of nearly 50 feet. 

This place contains a great variety of elegant models from the antiqueand modern masters, of statues, busts, vases, pedestals, monuments, architectural and sculptural decorations, modelled and baked on acomposition harder and more durable than any stone. 

Animadverting on the utility of this work combining the taste ofelegance with the advantage of permanent wear, the two friends, Tom andBob, recollected having seen, in their rambles through the metropolis, many specimens of the perfection of this ingenious art, particularly atCarlton-House, the Pelican Office, Lombard-street, and almost all thepublic halls. The statues of the four ~~229~~~quarters of the world, and others at the Bank, at the Admiralty, Trinity House, Tower-hill, Somerset-place, the Theatres; and almost every street presents objects, (some of 20 years standing, ) as perfect as when put up. 

Retracing their steps homewards, our pedestrians again crossed thePark, and finding themselves once more in Spring Gardens, entered theExhibition Rooms of the Society of Painters in Water Colours. 

This, beyond any other gratification of the morning, pleased the partythe most. The vivid tints of the various well-executed landscapes had apleasing effect, and wore more the appearance of nature than any similardisplay of the fascinating art which they had hitherto witnessed. 

This Society, which was formed in 1804, for the purpose of giving dueemphasis to an interesting branch of art that was lost in the blaze ofSomerset-House, where water-colours, however beautiful, harmonized sobadly with paintings in oil, has, in its late exhibitions, deviated fromits original and legitimate object, and has mixed with its own exquisiteproductions various pictures in oil. 

The last annual exhibition of painting in oil and water colours, wasas brilliant and interesting as any former one, and afforded unmixedpleasure to every visitor. 

One more attraction remained in Spring Gardens, which Tom, who hadall the morning very ably performed the double duty of conductor andexplainer, proposed the company's visiting;--"That is, " said he, "Wigley's Promenade Rooms, where are constantly on exhibition variousobjects of curiosity. "

Thither then they repaired, and were much pleased with two veryextraordinary productions of ingenuity, the first Mr. Theodon's grandMechanical and Picturesque Theatre, illustrative of the effect of art inimitation of nature, in views of the Island of St. Helena, the City ofParis, the passage of Mount St. Barnard, Chinese artificial fireworks, and a storm at sea. The whole was conducted on the principle ofperspective animation, in a manner highly picturesque, natural, andinteresting. 

Here also our party examined the original model of a newly inventedtravelling automaton, a machine which can, with ease and accuracy, travel at the rate of six miles an hour, ascend acclivities, and turnthe narrowest corners, by machinery only, conducted by one of thepersons seated within, without the assistance of either horse or steam. 

~~230~~~ This extraordinary piece of mechanism attracted the particularattention of the Baronet, who minutely explored its principles, with theview, as he said, of its introduction to general use, in the provinceof Munster, in substitution of ricketty jaunting-cars and stumblinggeldings. Miss Judith Macgilligan likewise condescended to honour thisnovel carriage with her approbation, as an economical improvement, embracing, with its obvious utility, a vast saving in the keep ofhorses, and superseding the use of jaunting-cars, the universalsuccedaneum, in Ireland, for more respectable vehicles; but which, sheadded, no lady of illustrious ancestry should resort to. 

This endless recurrence to noble descent elicited from Sir Felix another"palpable hit;" who observed, that those fastidious dames of antiquity, to whatever country belonging, of apparent asperity to the presenttimes, would do well in laying aside unfounded prejudices; that the ageto which Miss Macgilligan so frequently alluded, was one of the mostignorant barbarism; and the unpolished females of that day unequal to acomparison with those of the present, as much so, as the savagesquaws of America with the finished beauties of an Irish Vicegerent'sdrawing-room. {1}

 1 The pride of ancestry, although prevalent in Ireland, is not carried to the preposterous excess exemplified by Cambrian vanity and egotism. A gentleman lately visited a friend in Wales, who, among other objects of curiosity, gratified his guest with the inspection of his family genealogical tree, which, setting at naught the minor consideration of antediluvian research, bore in its centre this notable inscription, --About this time the world was created!!!

Re-entering St. James's Park, our party directed their course towardsthe Mall, eastward of which they were agreeably amused by the appearanceof groupes of children, who, under the care of attendant nursery maids, were regaling themselves with milk from the cow, thus presenting tothese delighted juveniles a rural feast in the heart of the metropolis. 

~~231~~~ Here Dashall drew the attention of his friends to a veryimportant improvement. "Until within these few months, " said he, "thePark at night-fall presented a very sombre aspect; being so imperfectlylighted as to encourage the resort of the most depraved characters ofboth sexes; and although, in several instances, a general caption, bydirection of the police, was made of these nocturnal visitants, yetthe evil still remained; when a brilliant remedy at last was found, byentirely irradiating the darkness hitherto so favourable to the careerof licentiousness: these lamps, each at a short distance from theother, have been lately introduced; stretching along the Mall, andcircumscribing the Park, they shed a noon-tide splendor on the solitudeof midnight. They are lighted with gas, and continue burning fromsunset to day-break, combining ornament with utility. Thus vice has beenbanished from her wonted haunts, and the Park has become a respectableevening promenade. 

"This Park, " continued the communicative Dashall, "which is nearly twomiles in circuit, was enclosed by King Charles II. , who planted theavenues, made the Canal and the Aviary adjacent to the Bird-cage Walk, which took its name from the cages hung in the trees; but the presentfine effect of the piece of ground within the railing, is the fruit ofthe genius of the celebrated Mr. Brown. "{1}

 1 St. James's Park was the frequent promenade of King Charles II. Here he was to be seen almost daily; unattended, except by one or two of his courtiers, and his favorite grey-hounds; inter-mixing with his subjects, in perfect confidence of their loyalty and attachment. His brother James one day remonstrating with him on the impolicy of thus exposing his person, --"James, " rejoined his majesty, "take care of yourself, and be under no apprehension for me: my people will never kill me, to make you king!"

 In more recent times, Mr. Charles Townsend used every morning, as he came to the Treasury, to pass by the Canal in the Park, and feed the ducks with bread or corn, which he brought in his pocket for that purpose. One morning having called his affectionate friends, the duckey, duckey, duckies, he found unfortunately that he had forgotten them;-- "Poor duckies!" he cried, "I am sorry I am in a hurry and cannot get you some bread, but here is sixpence for you to buy some, " and threw the ducks a sixpence, which one of them gobbled up. At the office he very wisely told the story to some gentlemen with whom he was to dine. There being ducks for dinner, one of the gentlemen ordered a sixpence to be put into the body of a duck, which he gave Charles to cut up. Our hero, sur-prised at finding a sixpence among the seasoning, bade the waiter send up his master, whom he loaded with epithets of rascal and scoundrel, and swore bitterly that he would have him prosecuted for robbing the king of his ducks; "for, " said he, "gentlemen, this very morning did I give this sixpence to one of the ducks in the Canal in St. James's Park. "

~~232~~~ The party now seated themselves on one of the benches in theMall, opposite the spot where lately stood the Chinese or Pagoda bridge. Tallyho had often animadverted on the absurdity of the late inconvenientand heterogeneous wooden structure, which had been erected at aconsiderable public expense; its dangling non-descript ornaments, andtiresome acclivity and descent of forty steps each. "What, " said he, "notwithstanding the protection by centinels of this precious memento ofvitiated taste, has it become the prey of dilapidation?"

"Rather, " answered Dashall, "of premature decay. Its crazy conditioninduced the sage authors of its origin to hasten its destruction; likethe Cherokee chief, who, when the object of his regard becomes no longeruseful, buries him alive!"

Contrasting the magnificent appearance of the adjacent edifices, asseen from the Park, with one of apparently very humble pretensions, MissMacgilligan inquired to what purpose the "shabby fabric" was applied, and by whom occupied. 

"That 'shabby fabric, ' Madam, " responded Dashall, "is St. James'sPalace, erected by Henry VIII. , in which our sovereigns of Englandhave held their Courts from the reign of Queen Anne to that of his lateMajesty George III. " {1}

 1 The state apartments, now renovated, comprehend six chambers. The first is the guard chamber, at the top of the stairs: this has been entirely repaired, and on the right hand there is a characteristic chimney-piece, instead of the ill-shaped clumsy fire-place which previously disgraced this approach to the grand rooms. The next room, continuing to advance, is the presence chamber. This chamber has been remodelled, and a large handsome octagonal window introduced. This produces the best effect, and has rendered a gloomy room very light and cheerful. The privy chamber, which forms the eastern end of the great suite that runs from east to west, parallel to the Mall in the Park, and is, strictly speaking, the immediate scene of the Court; this is entirely new from the foundation, and is a continuation of the old suite of state apartments. The chamber is of noble dimensions, being nearly 70 feet in length, and having four windows towards the garden and Park beyond. A magnificent marble chimney-piece occupies the centre, on the east end. The anti-drawing-room and the drawing-room, in which little alteration appears, except in the introduction of splendid chimney-pieces of statuary marble, taken from the library of Queen Caroline in the Stable Yard, built by Kent. The workmanship of these is amazingly fine, and the designs very rich. The throne is at the upper end of the drawing room No. 5, and from the chimney of the room No. 3, the vista through the middle doors of the anti-drawing-rooms is about 200 feet!! The_coup d'oeil_ must be indescribably grand, when all the three apartments are filled with rank and beauty. The ceilings of the principal rooms, 3, 4, and 5, are coved upon handsome cornices, carved and gilt. This gives the apartments a spacious and lofty appearance; and there being four large windows in each, the whole suite is very imposing. The rooms are to be fitted with mirrors, and a noble collection of the royal pictures. Over the chimney in the drawing-room, Lawrence's splendid portrait of George IV. , surrounded by the fine old carvings of Grinling Gibbons, of which many are preserved in the Palace, will be the principal object. In the anti-drawing-room a portrait of the venerable George III. Will occupy a similar station; and on each side will appear the victories which reflected the highest lustre on his reign, --Trafalgar and Waterloo. In the privy chamber, a portrait of Queen Anne will be attended by the great Marlborough triumphs of Lisle and Tournay, Blenheim, and other historical pieces. Other spaces will exhibit a series of royal portraits, from the period of the founder of the Palace, Henry VIII. To the present era; including, of course, some of the most celebrated works of Holbein and Vandyke. The unrivalled "Charles on horseback, " by the latter, is among the number, and the gallery, altogether, must be inestimable, even as a panorama of the arts in England for three centuries. On the whole, these state apartments, when completed, will not be excelled, if equalled, by any others in Europe. Holbein, whom we have just mentioned, was a favourite of Henry VIII. One day, when the painter was privately drawing a lady's picture for the king, a nobleman forced himself into the chamber. Holbein threw him down stairs; the peer cried out; Holbein bolted himself in, escaped over the roof of the house, and running directly to the king, fell on his knees, and besought his majesty to pardon him, without declaring the offence. The king promised to forgive him, if he would tell the truth. Immediately arrives the lord with his complaint. After hearing the whole, his majesty said to the nobleman, --" You have behaved in a manner unworthy of your rank. I tell you, of seven peasants I can make so many lords, but not one Holbein. Be gone, and remember this, if you ever presume to avenge yourself, I shall look on an injury you do to the painter as done to me. "

~~233~~~ The descendant of O'Brien was astonished, and connecting herideas of the internal show of this Palace with its outward appearance, doubted not, secretly, that it was far inferior to the residence, informer times, of her royal progenitor. 

Probably guessing her thoughts, Dashall proceeded to observe, that thePalace was venerable from age, and in its interior decoration that itfully corresponded in splendor with the regal purposes to which it hadbeen so long applied; "It is now, however, " he added, "about to assume astill more imposing aspect, being under alterations and adornments, for the reception of the Court of his present Majesty, which, whencompleted, will render it worthy the presence of the Sovereign of thisgreat Empire. "

~~234~~~ The sole use made lately of St. James's Palace, is for purposesof state. In 1808, the south-eastern wing of the building was destroyedby fire; the state apartments were, however, uninjured, and the Court ofGeorge the Third and his Queen was held here. 

On the right of the Palace, the attention of the party was nextattracted by Marlborough House. It was built in the reign of Queen Anne, by the public, at the expense of 40, 000L. On part of the royal gardens, and given by the Queen and Parliament, on a long lease, to the greatDuke of Marlborough. It is a handsome building, much improved of lateyears, and has a garden extending to the Park, and forms a strikingcontrast to the adjoining Palace of St. James's. It is now the townresidence of his Royal Highness, Prince Leopold of Saxe Cobourg. 

Our party now passed into St. James's-street, where Miss Macgilligan, whose acerbitude of temper had been much softened by the politeness ofher friends during the morning's ramble, mentioned, that she had a visitto make on an occasion of etiquette, and requesting the honour ofthe gentlemen's company to dinner, she was handed by the Squireof Belville-hall, with all due gallantry and obeisance, into ahackney-chariot; Tom in the meanwhile noting its number, in theanticipation of its ultimately proving a requisite precaution. 

The trio, now left to their own pursuits, lounged leisurely up St. James's-street, and pausing at the caricature shop, an incident occurredwhich placed in a very favorable point of view the Baronet's promptitudeof reply and equanimity of temper. Having had recourse to his glasses, lie stood on the pavement, examining the prints, unobservant of anyother object; when a porter with a load brushed hastily forward, andcoming in contact with the Baronet, put him, involuntarily, by theviolence of the shock, to the left about face, without the word eitherof caution or command. "Damn your spectacles!" at same time, exclaimedthe fellow; "Thank you, my good friend, " rejoined Sir Felix, --"it is notthe first time that my spectacles have saved my eyes!"

~~235~~~ Remarking on this rencounter, Dashall observed, that theinsolence of these fellows was become really a public nuisance. Armed inthe panoply of arrogance, they assume the right of the footway, to theejection, danger, and frequent injury of other passengers; moving in adirect line with loads that sometimes stretch on either side the widthof the pavement, they dash onward, careless whom they may run against, or what mischief may ensue. "I would not, " continued Dashall, "classthem with beasts of burthen, and confine them to the carriage-way ofthe street, like other brutes of that description; but I would have themplaced under the control of some salutary regulations, and humanizedunder the dread of punishment. "

The Squire coincided with his friend in opinion, and added, by way ofillustration, that it was only a few days since he witnessed a seriousaccident occasioned by the scandalous conduct of a porter: the fellowbore on his shoulders a chest of drawers, a corner of which, while heforced his way along the pavement, struck a young lady a stunning blowon the head, bringing her violently to the ground, and falling against ashop window, one of her hands went through a pane of glass, by which shewas severely cut; thus sustaining a double injury, either of which mighthave been attended with fatal consequences. 

The three friends had now gained the fashionable lounge of Bond-street, whence turning into Conduit-street, they entered Limmer's Coffee-house, for the purpose of closing, by refreshment, the morning's excursion. 

Here Dashall recognized an old acquaintance in the person of aneminent physician, who, after an interchange of civilities, resumed hisattention to the daily journals. 

In the same box with this gentleman, and directly opposite, sat another, whose health was apparently on the decline, who finding that theingenious physician had occasionally dropped into this coffee-house, hadplaced himself _vis-a-vis_ the doctor, and made many indirect effortsto withdraw his attention from the newspaper to examine the index of his(the invalid's) constitution. He at last ventured a bold push at once, in the following terms: "Doctor, " said he, "I have for a long timebeen very far from being well, and as I belong to an office, where I amobliged to attend everyday, the complaints I have prove very troublesometo me, ~~236~~~ and I would be glad to remove them. "--The doctor laiddown his paper, and regarded his patient with a steady eye, while heproceeded. "I have but little appetite, and digest what I eat verypoorly; I have a strange swimming in my head, " &c. In short, aftergiving the doctor a full quarter of an hour's detail of allhis symptoms, he concluded the state of his case with a directquestion:--"Pray, doctor, what shall I take?" The doctor, in the actof resuming the newspaper, gave him the following laconicprescription:--"Take, why, take advice!"

This colloquy, and its ludicrous result, having been perfectly audibleto the company present, afforded considerable entertainment, of whichthe manoeuvring invalid seemed in no degree willing to partake, forhe presently made his exit, without even thanking the doctor for hisgratuitous advice. {1}

 1 Limmeb's Hotel. --This justly esteemed Hotel was much frequented by the late unfortunate Lord Camelford. Entering the coffee-room one evening, meanly attired, as he often was, he sat down to peruse the papers of the day. Soon after came in a "dashing fellow, " a "first-rate blood, " who threw himself into the opposite seat of the same box with Lord C, and in a most consequential tone hallowed out, "Waiter! bring in a pint of Madeira, and a couple of wax candles, and put them in the next box. " He then drew to him Lord C. 's candle, and set himself to read. His Lordship glanced at him a look of indignation, but exerting his optics a little more, continued to decypher his paper. The waiter soon re- appeared, and with a multitude of obsequious bows, announced his having completed the commands of the gentleman, who immediately lounged round into his box. Lord Camelford having finished his paragraph, called out in a mimic tone to that of Mr. -----, "Waiter! bring me a pair of snuffers. " These were quickly brought, when his Lordship laid down his paper, walked round to the box in which Mr. -----was, snuffed out both the candles, and leisurely returned to his seat. Boiling with rage and fury, the indignant beau roared out, "Waiter! waiter! waiter! who the devil is this fellow, that dares thus to insult a gentleman? Who is he? What is he? What do they call him?"--"Lord Camelford, Sir, " said the waiter. --"Who? Lord Camelford!" returned the former, in a tone of voice scarcely audible; horror-struck at the recollection of his own impertinence, and almost doubting whether he was still in existence--"Lord Camelford!!! What have I to pay?" On being told, he laid down his score, and actually stole away, without daring to taste his Madeira. 

~~237~~~ The repast ended, the friends separated; Sir Felix to rejoinhis august relative at their lodgings, and arrange with her preparationsfor the entertainment of Tom and Bob, and these two gentlemen alsoreturning homewards to dress for the important occasion. 

Passing the house of his tailor, the Baronet stept in, and desired Mr. Snip to send to his lodgings, any time in the course of the evening, forthe last new suit, for the purpose of alteration, as had been alreadypointed out. 

Miss Macgilligan had preceded her nephew in reaching home, and gavehim, on his arrival, an appropriate and edifying lecture on a three-foldsubject, embracing--petulancy, --respect to superiors, --and venerationfor the memory of our ancestors. 

The Baronet, who never designed seriously to insult his aunt, but merelyto have a bye-blow at her prominent foible, --pride of descent, --listenedwith becoming deference to her dissertation, which was interruptedby the entrance of his servant, (the same who on a certainoccasion confided to Mother Cummings the safety of his master'sproperty, {1})--"The tailor's boy, Sir Felix, for the new suit your Honorordered to be altered. "--"Very well, " rejoined Sir Felix, "sure enoughMr. Snip is prompt in observance of instructions, --let the lad havethe suit immediately. "--This business having been despatched, MissMacgilligan was about to resume her admonitory discourse; when, luckily, the arrival of the expected guests prevented its continuance, and it wasconsequently postponed until a more favourable opportunity. 

 1 Vide page 130. 

Dinner was shortly announced, during which nothing occurred ofparticular import. When the exhilirating "Tuscan grape" had supersededthe discarded viands, Miss Macgilligan mentioned, that she had beengrossly imposed upon by the driver of the hackney-chariot. It seems, that conceiving Jehu was exacting more than his fare, the lady, presenting a handful of silver, told him to take it all, if he thoughtproper, and the conscientious knight of the whip had actually embracedthe offer in its literal acceptation, and pocketing the money, made thebest of his way, before she recovered from the surprise occasioned bythis "iniquitous" transaction. 

~~238~~~ "Iniquitous!" repeated the Baronet;--"by the powers of follybut there was no advantage taken at all, at all; and the man musthave been worse than an idiot had he rejected so liberal an offer!Gra-machree, he might cry, and thanks to the donor, such opportunitiesdon't occur every day. "

Appealing to her guests, she had the mortification of finding theopinion of her nephew supported. --"Certainly, madam, " said Dashall, "theconduct of the man in putting a construction not meant upon your word, was highly reprehensible; yet I am afraid that redress is unavailable. A gift was implied, though obviously not intended, but impartiallyspeaking, you tendered a donation, and the man, if not morally right, was legally justifiable in accepting it. "

While this case was under discussion, the baronet chuckled at themischance of his aunt, and in defiance of the admonition given him afew hours before, seemed more petulant, less respectful, and totallyirreverent of his ancestors. 

In the enjoyment of this triumph, and asserting that he could not betaken-in, even by the most artfully conducted manouvre, he was struckdumb by the information that Mr. Snip the tailor had called for the newsuit. "The devil fly over the hill of Howth with him!" exclaimed theastounded Sir Felix, with a secret foreboding of evil, "has he not hadthe new suit, hours ago?"

"He says not, sir, " answered the servant. 

"Where then, in the name of mystery, " rejoined the baronet, "are theclothes gone to? They were sent by his boy, were they not?"

"He denies, sir, " responded the servant, "that he sent for the clothesat all at all. "

"Sowl of my grandmother! send in this snip of a tailor instantaneously. "

Dashall immediately surmised a fraud, and the statement of Snipconverted suspicion into fact. 

Mr. Snip repeated, that he had not sent for the clothes; and neitherdid he keep a boy; but he recollected that there was a lad in his shoppurchasing some trifling article at the time Sir Felix gave his address, and ordered the new suit to be sent for; and there is no doubt, addedSnip, that this young adept, being thus put in the way of successfullypractising a fraud, gladly availed himself of the opportunity, andobtained possession of the clothes in my name. But, Sir Felix (continuedMr. Snip) it must have escaped your recollection when ~~239~~~ yousanctioned the delivery of the clothes, that I had particularlycautioned you, when you first honoured me with your custom, against yoursending to my house any articles of apparel by pretended messengers fromme, unless on the authority of my own hand writing. "

"I exonerate you, " said the baronet, "from censure, and exempt you fromloss. I have been swindled. There is now no remedy. So make me anothersuit, and by stricter vigilance, we shall endeavour to avoid futuredepredation. "{1}

 1 This is amongst the inferior classes of fraud daily practised in the metropolis. The following is one of a fust rate description. 

 Swindling. --A case most ingeniously contrived and successfully carried into execution on Saturday last, is scarcely to be equalled on the records of fraud. It was equal to that practised on Rundle and Bridge, the jewellers, some time ago, but the present case is only at the expense of four costly gold watches. The swindler, who called himself Mr. Winter, is rather above the middle size, was dressed in a brown frock coat, wears long whiskers, and is well calculated for imposition in address and manner. A house in Southampton-street, Strand, occupied by Mr. Holt, the barrister, having been advertised to be let, Mr. Winter called about it several times last week, and he appointed Saturday last to call with some ladies, when he could give a final answer; and the servants were desired, if the occupants were from home, to shew the gentleman and his party into the dining-room. Having secured this point, Mr. Winter called upon Mr. Ely, a jeweller, at the latter end of the week, and after looking over some trifles, in the shop, he desired that some ladies' watches might be brought to his residence, No. 5, Southampton-street, at a certain hour on Saturday, for inspection. The swindler called some time before the jeweller was expected, and inquired if the ladies who were to meet him there had called, and being informed in the negative, he affected surprise, and desired them to be informed of his arrival when they came. He was shewn into the front drawing-room, but he preferred the adjoining room, and desired the servant to shew a gentleman, who would call, into the front room, and let him know when he arrived. The jeweller was to his time with the goods, and Mr. Winter paid him a visit, and after looking over the goods, he selected four watches, worth 100L. To shew the ladies in the next room, instead of which he took his hat, and walked off with the watches. After waiting till out of patience, the jeweller rang the bell, and the servant missed Mr. Winter, who had promised her servitude, the landlord his new tenant, and the jeweller his watches!

~~240~~~ It was now Miss Macgilligan's turn to triumph, but, to thesurprise and relief of her nephew, she did not avail herself of theprivilege; sensible, perhaps, that the loss which site sustained, wasoccasioned by her own imprudence, and that his misfortune might havehappened to those even the most guarded against deception, she consoledinstead of recriminating. The most perfect unanimity now prevailedbetween the two relatives; and the evening passed on with increasedpleasure. The unexpected migration of the new suit led to conversationon the frauds of London, when Dashall justly observed, that if theingenuity exemplified in depredation was exercised in honest industry, in place of being now the pest, many of those men might have been theornaments of Society. 

CHAPTER XVIII

 "Tho' village delights may charm for a time, With hunting, with cricket, with trap-ball and such, The rambles in London are bang-up and prime, And never can tire or trouble us much; Tis a life of variety, frolic, and fun: Rove which way you will, right or left, up or down. All night by the gas, and all day by the sun, Sure no joys can compare with the joys of the town. "

~~241~~~ Our two friends, in consequence of some allusions made bythe company at the Finish, on a preceding day, to a house of greattheatrical celebrity in Drury-lane, resolved on a visit the followingevening; and it may here be necessary to introduce such of our readersas are not in the secret, to the same. 

The Harp, opposite Drury-lane Theatre, is well known as the resortof theatrical amateurs and professors; but those who have not had anopportunity of visiting its interior, can scarcely form an idea ofthe mirth, wit, and humour constantly displayed within its walls. Thecircumstance here alluded to, though not exactly introduced in point oftime, is one which generally takes place once in three years; viz. Theelection of a Mayor to represent the now City of Lushington, an eventwhich is attended with as much of bustle, interest, and whimsicality, as a popular election for a member of Parliament. The generality of thepersons who are frequent visitors to the house are termed _Harponians_, and by due qualification become citizens of Lushington. Although wecannot give a true and circumstantial history of this ancient city, wedoubt not our numerous readers will discover that its title is derivedfrom an important article in life, commonly called Lush. The four wardsare also appropriately titled, as symbolical of the effects which areusually produced by its improper application. On entering the room, the first corner on the right hand is _Suicide Ward_, and derives itsappellation from a society so named, in which each member is bound by anoath, that however he might feel inclined to lay violent hands upon hisglass, he would not lay violent hands upon his own existence. 

~~242~~~ The left hand corner has also a name as appropriate as itsneighbour, being called _Poverty Ward_; so termed from its vicinity tothe door, and the ease with which a citizen, whose tanner case{1} andtoggery{2} are out of repair, may make his entree and exit, withoutsubjecting himself to the embarrassing gaze and scrutiny of his morefortunate fellow-citizens. Juniper Ward, which is directly opposite toPoverty Ward, may in a moral point of view be said to mark the naturalgradation rom the one to the other. Whether these wards are so placedby the moral considerations of the ingenious citizens or not, we are atpresent unable to learn; but we have discovered that _Juniper Ward_ isso called in consequence of a club, consisting of seven citizens, whobound themselves to meet every evening exactly on the spot, taking eachupon himself to defray the expense of _blue ruin_ for the whole partyon each evening alternately. In the corner directly opposite to SuicideWard is _Lunatic Ward_, indicative no doubt of the few steps there arebetween the one and the other: hence the four corner pillars of thisancient and honourable city are replete with moral instruction to thewise and discriminating part of society. 

 1 Tanner case--a pocket. 

 2 Toggery--cloathing. 

Each of these wards, like the wards of the City of London, hasits alderman, and no doubt can be entertained of their being ablyrepresented, as well as their rights and privileges being well securedand sustained. A gentleman who is well known and highly respected forhis abilities and attentions as theatrical agent, which character he hassustained for many years, is high bailiff, and at proper periods issueshis writ in the following form:--

"City of Lushington, (to wit. )

"The high bailiff having received a requisition to convene a meeting forthe purpose of nominating aldermen to represent the different wards, andfrom them to elect a mayor for the above city for the year ensuing;

~~243~~~ "The high bailiff, in pursuance thereof, fixes Saturday the 22dDecember inst. To nominate for the purpose aforesaid, and from thenceproceed to the election, which election is to continue till thefollowing Monday, being the 24th, when the poll is to be closed. 

"Given under my hand, this 18th day of December, 1821. (Signed) "F. SIMS, high bailiff. "

"Lushington Hall. "

"The election to commence at 7 o'clock; the poll to be closed athalf-past 10. "

After this official notice, preparations are made in due form for theelection, and in the fitting up of the hustings the most skilfuland ingenious artists are selected from the several wards, while thecandidates are employed in forming their committees, and canvassingtheir friends and fellow-citizens, each of them professing an intentionto intersect the city with canals of sky blue, to reduce the price ofheavy wet, and to cultivate plantations of the weed, to be given awayfor the benefit and advantage of the community, thereby to rendertaxation useless, and the comforts of life comeatable by all ranks anddegrees of society. To take the burthensome load of civic state uponthemselves, in order that their friends and neighbours may be free; thatindependence may become universal, and that the suffrages of the peoplemay be beyond controul nor can it be doubted but these professionsare made with as much sincerity in many of a similar nature in largercities, and in situations of much greater importance. 

 "For quacks profess the nation's ills to cure, To mend small fortunes, and set up the poor; And oft times neatly make their projects known, By mending not the public's, but their own. The poor indeed may prove their watchful cares, That nicely sift and weigh their mean affairs, From scanty earnings nibbling portions small, As mice, by bits, steal cheese with rind and all; But why should statesmen for mechanics carve, What are they fit for but to work and starve. "

It is, however, proper to observe, that in the City of Lushington thereare no sinecures, no placemen and pensioners, to exhaust the treasury;honour is the grand inducement for the acceptance of office, and highlyhonour'd are those who are fortunate enough to obtain the mark s ofdistinction to which they aspire. 

~~244~~~ The oath administered upon such occasions is of a most seriousand solemn nature; which, however, notwithstanding the conscientiousscruples of the voters, must be taken with suitable gravity before theycan be, permitted to poll; being in substance nearly as follows:--

"I (A. B. ) do swear that I have been an inhabitant of the City ofLushington for the space of -- years; and that I have taken within itswalls -- pots of porter, -- glasses of jackey, and smoked --pipes; (theblanks are filled in according to circumstances); that is to say, onepot of heavy wet, one glass of juniper, and one loading of weed atleast annually; have been the cause of such acts in others, or have beenpresent when such acts have been performed; and that I have not polledat this election. "

This oath is sworn with all due solemnity, by kissing the foot of abroken glass, and the vote is then recorded. 

Tom and Bob, who had so little previous intimation of this importantevent, were informed as they proceeded to the scene of action, bya friend of one of the candidates, that the election was stronglycontested between Sir William Sims, the son of the worthy high bailiff, Sir Benjamin Rosebud, Jessamine Sweetbriar, Sir Peter Paid, andPeregrine Foxall, the silver-toned orator, strongly supported by the TagRag and Bobtail Club. Sir Frederick Atkinson introduced and proposed bythe Marquis of Huntley, a well known sporting character from the countyof Surrey, and Mr. Alderman Whetman, of Lushington notoriety. The doorof the house was well guarded by the _posse comitatis_, armed with staves, emblematical of the renowned city to which they belonged, and decoratedwith the favors of the different candidates by whom they were employed, or whose interest they espoused. The staves, instead of the crown, weresurmounted by quartern measures, and produced a most striking and noveleffect, as they appeared to be more reverenced and respected than thatgaudy bauble which is a representative of Royalty. 

At the moment of our friends entrance, large bodies of voters werebrought up by canvassing parties from the surrounding habitations, withcolours flying, and were introduced in succession to poll; and as timewas fast escaping, every one was active in support of his favouritecandidate. All was bustle and anxiety, and Tom and Bob approached thehustings with two chimney-sweepers, a hackney-coachman, and three lightbearers, alias link-carriers, from Covent Garden Theatre. Having polledfor Sir William Sims, who very politely returned thanks for ~~245~~~the honour conferred on him, standing room was provided for them by theinhabitants of Lunatic Ward, who it should seem, like others under theinfluence of the moon, have their lucid intervals, and who upon thisoccasion displayed a more than usual portion of sanity, mingled withgood humour and humanity. 

In this quarter of the city, where our friends expected to finddistracted, or at least abstracted intellect, they were very pleasinglydisappointed at discovering they were associated with reasonable andintelligent beings; although some of them, fatigued by their exertionsduring the election, were so strongly attacked by Somnus, thatnotwithstanding the bustle with which they were surrounded, theyoccasionally dropped into the arms of the drowsy god, and accompaniedthe proceedings with a snore, till again roused to light and life bysome more wakeful inhabitant. 

At the appointed time, the high bailiff announced the election closed, and after an examination of the votes, declared the choice to havefallen on Sir William, a circumstance which drew forth a unanimousburst of approbation, long, loud, and deep, which in a few moments beingcommunicated to those without. This was as cordially and as vociferouslyanswered by anxious and admiring crowds. 

The influx of citizens, upon the event being known, to hear the speechesof the different candidates, choaked up every avenue to the hustings, and beggars all description; the inimitable pencil of a Hogarth couldhardly have done justice to the scene, and a Common Hall of the City ofLondon might be considered a common fool to it; every voter had a right, established that right, and enjoyed it. Here stood the well-dressedCorinthian in his bang-up toggery, alongside of a man in armour, oneof the Braziers Company, armed with a pot-lid and a spit, and decoratedwith a jack-chain round his neck. There stood a controller of the prads, a Jarvey, in close conversation with one of the lighters of the world, with his torch in hand. A flue faker in one corner, was endeavouringto explain a distinction between smoke and gas to a lamplighter, whodeclared it as his opinion, "that the City of Lushington, --at all timesa luminous and deservedly revered City, --had had more light thrown uponit that election, by the introduction of the link carriers, than it everhad before; and likewise that his dissertation on smoke and gas was notworth one puff from his pipe. "

~~246~~~ In the midst of this bustle, noise and confusion, it was sometime before the high bailiff could obtain silence; when Sir Williammade his appearance on the hustings, and in language well suited for theoccasion, declared the heartfelt gratitude he entertained for the highand distinguished honour so handsomely conferred upon him, withhis determination never to lose sight of the invaluable rights andprivileges of his constituents, assuring them they were welcometo indulge themselves with any thing the house afforded. He nextcomplimented his opponents on the very gentlemanlike way in whichthe election had been conducted, and alluded most emphatically to theintroduction of those voters who endeavour to lighten the darknessof the world, the link-carriers, who by their manners and conduct hadbecome on that occasion as it were links of a chain, which in point offriendship, good humour and independence, he sincerely hoped wouldnever be broken. Rapturous applause followed this speech, whichnotwithstanding the almost overpowering load of gratitude with which thespeaker was burthened, was given with good emphasis and correspondingeffect. 

The other candidates returned thanks to those of their fellow-citizenswho had supported their interest; and no one seeming inclined to callfor a scrutiny, Sir William took the official oath, and was investedwith the cloathing of magistracy, which being done, Mr. Alderman Whetmanarose to address the mayor. 

The well known ability usually displayed by this gentleman, hispatriotic zeal, and undeviating integrity, commanded immediate silence, while he informed the chief magistrate of a circumstance which hadrecently occurred, and which left one of the wards unrepresented, by aworthy alderman who in consequence of accepting an office in theboard of controul, had by the laws of Lushington vacated his seat. Anexplanation being demanded, it appeared that the worthy alderman hadbecome a deputy manager of a country theatre, and consequently must beconsidered under the board of controul; it was therefore necessary heshould at least be re-elected before he could be allowed to continue inthe distinguished station of alderman: this point being agreed to, thesituation was declared vacant, and a time appointed for the election. 

~~247~~~ The official business of the election being over, harmony andconviviality became the order of the night; foaming bowls and flowingglasses decorated the tables; many of the citizens withdrawing to restafter their labours, made room for those who remained, and every oneseemed desirous to

 "Wreath the bowl With flowers of soul, The brightest wit can find us; We'll take a flight Towards heav'n to-night, And leave dull earth behind us. "

The song, the toast, the sentiment, followed each other in rapidsuccession; mirth and good humour prevailed, and time, while heexhausted himself, appeared to be inexhaustible. The beams of wit, the lively sallies of humour, and the interchange of good fellowship, eradiated the glass in its circulation, and doubly enhanced itscontents; and in amusements so truly congenial with the disposition ofthe Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin, they joined till after four o'clockin the morning, thus rendering themselves true and devoted citizens ofLushington, when they sallied forth, tolerably well primed for any larkor spree which chance might throw in their way. It was a fine morning, and while the shopkeepers and trades-men were taking their rest, themarket gardeners and others were directing their waggons and carts toCovent Garden. 

"Now, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "we will just take a turn round theGarden, and a stroll down Drury-lane, for a walk will do us no harmafter our night's amusement, and we can hardly fail to find subjectsworthy of observation, though; in all probability we are too early torealize all the poet's description of a market:"

 "A market's the circle for frolic and glee, Where tastes of all kinds may be suited; The dasher, the quiz, and the "up to all"--he, Pluck sprees from the plants in it rooted. If the joker, or queer one, would fain learn a place, Where they'd wish for a morning to "lark it, " They need go no further than just shew their face, In that region of mirth, a large market. "

~~248~~~ The streets that surround the theatres, and which of an eveningare thronged with the elegant equipage of the visitors, were now filledwith carts, waggons, and other vehicles of various denominations, forconveyance of the marketable commodities to and from the place of sale:here and there were groupes of Irishmen and basket-women, endeavouringto obtain a load, and squabbling with assiduous vociferations for thefirst call. 

"This, " said Tom, "is the largest market for vegetables we have in themetropolis, and supplies numerous retail dealers with their stock intrade; who assemble here early in the morning to make their bargains, and get them home before the more important business of the day, thatof selling, commences. " While Tom was explaining thus briefly to hisCousin, aloud laugh attracted their attention, and drew them to a partof the market where a crowd was collected, to witness a squabble betweena Jew orange merchant and a pork butcher. {1}

 1 Although the Hon. Tom Dashall hurried his Cousin from the scene of altercation, at the time of its occurrence, they enjoyed a hearty laugh at the following report of the facts which appeared in one of the morning papers shortly afterwards:--

 EFHRAIM versus STEWART. 

 "This was a proceeding in limine, by which the plain till' sought reparation for violence done to his religious scruples and bodily health by the defendant, inasmuch as he, the plaintiff being a Jew, on Wednesday, the 12th day of this month, in the forenoon, in the parish of St. Paul Covent Garden, did, with malice aforethought, knock him down with a pig's head, contrary to the statute, and against the peace of our Sovereign Lord the King, " &c. 

 Both plaintiff and defendant pleaded each for himself, no counsel being employed on either side. 

 Ephraim Ephraim deposed, that he is by profession an orange- merchant, carrying on his business in Covent Garden market. That the defendant, Richard Stewart, is a dealer in pork and poultry in the said market; and that he the said Richard Stewart, on the day and time then stated, did thrust a pig's face against his cheek with such violence, as to throw him backwards into a chest of oranges, whereby he sustained great damage both in body, mind, and merchandize. Plaintiff stated moreover, that he had previously and on sundry occasions forewarned the said Richard Stewart, it was contrary to the tenets of his religion to come in contact with pork, and yet nevertheless he the said Richard did frequently, and from time to time, intrude pork upon his attention, by holding it up aloft in the market, and exclaiming aloud, "Ephraim, will you have a mouthful?" All this, he humbly submitted, betokened great malice and wickedness in the said Richard, and he therefore besought the magistrate to interpose the protection of the law in bis behalf. 

 The magistrate observed, that he was astonished a person of Mr. Stewart's appearance and respectability should be guilty of such conduct, and having explained to him that the law afforded equal protection to the professors of every religion, called upon him for his defence. 

 "May it please your Worship, " said Mr. Richard Stewart, who is a well fed man, of a jolly and pleasing countenance, "May it please your Worship, I keeps a shop in Covent Garden Market, and have done so any time these ten years, and Mr. Ephraim's stand is next to mine. Now, your Worship, on Wednesday morning I'd a hamper o'pork sent up out o'Hertfordshire, and so I opened the hamper, and at the top of it lay a nice head, and I takes it and holds it up and says I, Heres a bootiful head, says I, did ever any body see such a handsome un, and sure enough your Worship it was the most bootiftd as ever was, and would a done any body's heart good to see it. It was cut so clean of the quarter (drawing his finger closely across his own neck), and was so short i'the snout, and as white as a sheet, --it was, your Worship, remarkably handsome. And so, I said, says I, look here, did ever tiny body see such a picture, holding it up just in this manner. With that, 'Ah, says Mr. Ephraim, says he, now my dream's out; I dream't last night that I saw two pig's heads together, and there they are;' meaning my head, and the pig's head, your Worship. Well, I took no notice o'that, but I goes me gently behind him, and slides the pig's head by the side of his head, claps my own o' the other side all on a row, with the pig's in the middle, your Worship; and says I to the folks, says I, now who'll say which is the honestest face of the three. With that, your Worship, all the folks fell a laughing, and I goes myself quietly back again to a stall. But poor Ephraim, he fell in such a passion! Lord, Lord, to see what a pucker he were in, he danced, and he capered, and he rubbed his whiskers, though I verily believe the pig's head never touched him; and he jumped and he fidgeted about, all as one as if he was mad, till at last he tumbled into the orange chest, your Worship, of his own accord, as it were, and that's the long and the short of it, your Worship, as my neighbours here can specify. "

 His Worship, having listened attentively to those conflicting statements, decided that the defendant had acted indecently in insulting the religious feelings of the plaintiff, though at the same time the affair was hardly worth carrying to the Sessions, and therefore he would recommend the plaintiff to be satisfied with an apology. 

 The defendant expressed the greatest willingness to apologize. "For, " says he, "I have ax'd another Jew what could make Mr. Ephraim in such a passion; and he told me, your Worship, that if you get a rale Jew, and rub him with a bit o'pork, it's the greatest crime as ever was. "

 Plaintiff and defendant then retired, and the matter was compromised. 

~~250~~~ The Israelite appeared to be in a great rage, swore hewould have revenge of his insulting neighbour, and pull him up. Theexasperation of the Jew afforded much merriment to the spectators, whoseemed to enjoy his aggravation: our friends, however, had arrivedtoo late to discover the cause, and although not very particular aboutdiscovering themselves amid the mob, conceived it most prudent to moveonward without inquiry; "for, " as Tom observed, "if we ask any questionswe are sure to be told lies: "they then passed through the Market, madetheir way up James-street to Long Acre, and thence to Drury-lane. 

[Illustration: page250. Jpg Drury Lane]

The watchmen were just leaving their stations, with an intention topartake of what they had all night been endeavouring to deprive others, and the humbler ranks of society were preparing for the business of theday; while the batter'd beau, the clean'd out buck, and the dissipatedvoluptuary, were occasionally to be seen gliding from holes and corners, and scampering home with less wisdom in their heads, and less money intheir purses, than when they left. Here was to be seen the City shopman, hastening away from his dulcenea, to get down his master's shuttersbefore the gouty old gentleman should be able to crawl down stairs;there, the dandy, half dressed, and more than half seas over, buttoninghis toggery close round him to keep out the damp air of the morning, affecting to sing

 "Be gone dull care;"

slipped along, as he supposed, unobserved, between dustmen, scavengers, flue-fakers, gardeners, fish-fags, and brick-layer's labourers--to refitand put himself in a situation to recount the adventures of the night. At one door, stood a shivering group of half-starved chimney-sweepers, rending the air with their piercing cries of "sweep, " occasionallyrelieved by a few hearty d---ns bestowed upon the servant, that shedid not come down, in order to let a diminutive urchin yet up the flue;leaning against a post at the corner of the street was an overdoneIrishman, making a bargain with pug-nosed Peg, a sort of half-bredpinafore cyprian, whose disappointments during the night induced her totry at obtaining a morning customer. The Hibernian was relating the illusage he had been subjected to, and the necessity he had of making ahasty retreat from the quarters he had taken up; while Bet Brill, onher road to Billingsgate, was blowing him up for wearing odd boots, andbeing a hod man--blowing a cloud sufficient to enliven and revive thewhole party. 

~~251~~~ "Poor fellow, " said Tom, "it would be a charity to pop him intoa rattler, and drive him home; and do you see, he is standing close toa mud cart, the delicate drippings of which are gently replenishing hisotherwise empty pockets. "

"Be aisy, " said Pat Murphy the hodman, "arn't he an Irish jontleman, arn't I a jontleman from Ireland; and arn't it lit and proper, andright and just, as well as jontlemanly, that two jontlemen should gotogether, so come along Peg, we'll just take a taste of the cratur, drink success to the lads of Shellaly, and put the matter in its rightshape. " With this pug-nosed Peg seized him by one arm, and the lastorator by the other, and in a short time they entered a sluicery in theneighbourhood, which enclosed the party from view. 

Turning from the group which they had been paying attention to, theywere suddenly attracted by a female purveyor for the stomach, who wasserving out her tea, coffee, and saloop, from a boiling cauldron, andhanding with due complaisance to her customers bread and butter, whichwas as eagerly swallowed and devoured by two dustmen, who appeared torelish their delicate meal with as much of appetite and gout, as thepampered palate of a City alderman would a plate of turtle. The figureof the lady, whose commodities were thus desirable and refreshing to thehungry dust-collectors, struck Bob at the first view as having somethingmatronly and kind about it. 

"These persons, " said Tom, "are really useful in their vocation; andwhile they provide a wholesome beverage for the industrious, are ratherdeserving of approbation than censure or molestation: the latter, however, they are frequently subjected to; for the kids of lark, intheir moments of revelry, think lightly of such poor people's stock intrade, and consider it a prime spree to upset the whole concern, without caring who may be scalded by the downfall, or how many of theirfellow-creatures may go without a breakfast and dinner in consequence;but do you mark the other woman behind her?"

"I do, " said Bob, "and it is impossible to view them both withoutnoticing the striking contrast they form to each other. "

~~252~~~ "Your observations are just, " continued Tom; "that is an oldbeldame of the neighbourhood, in search of the poor unhappy girl who hasjust taken the Irishman in tow, an encourager of all that is vicious andbaneful in society. "

"I could almost judge that from her features, " replied Bob, "though I donot pretend to much skill in physiognomy. "

"A debauched body and a vitiated mind are perceptible in her face, andhaving remained on the town till these were too visible for her to hopefor a continuance, she is now a tutoress of others, to make the most ofthose with whom they promiscuously associate. She furnishes the finery, and shares the plunder. It is, however, a melancholy and disgustingpicture of Real Life in London, and merely deserves to be known in orderto be avoided, for there is no species of villainy to which persons ofher stamp"--

"Of whom it is to be hoped there are but few, " cried Tallyho, interrupting him. 

"For the sake of human nature, " replied Dashalt. , "it is to be hoped so;but there is no species of villainy to which they will not stoop. " {1}

 1 The Hon. Tom Dashall's observations on this subject are but too strikingly exemplified by a case heard at Worship- street Police Office a short time back, in which Jemima Matthews was charged with conduct which excited astonishment at the depravity of human nature. --One of the parish constables of Spitalfields stated, he proceeded to the residence of the prisoner in Upper Cato-street, and found the wretch at the bar surrounded by eight children, while a supper, consisting of a variety of meats and vegetables, was making ready on the fire. Three children, Frederick Clark, John Clark, and John Bailey, were owned by their parents. The children seemed so much under the controul of this infamous woman, that they were afraid to tell the truth until she was removed from the bar. Little Bailey then said, they were daily sent out to steal what they could, and bring it home in the evening. When they could get nothing else, they stole meat from the butchers, and vegetables from the green-grocers. The woman kept a pack of cards, by which she told their fortunes, whether they would succeed, or be caught by the officers. Mr. Swaby observed, that since he had attended the Office, he never witnessed a case of so much iniquity. The prisoner was remanded for further examination, and the magistrate intimated he should desire the parish to prosecute her for the misdemeanor, in exciting these children to commit felonies. 

~~253~~~ At this moment their attention was suddenly called to anothersubject, by a loud huzza from a combination of voices at no greatdistance from where they then were, and in a few minutes a considerableconcourse of dustmen and others appeared in view. 

"There is something in the wind, " said Dashall, "we must have a look atthese gentry, for there is frequently some humour among them. 

"I hope, " replied Bob, "they have not overturned the dustcart in thewind, for I am apprehensive in such a case we should scarcely have eyesto view their frolics. "

Tom laughed at the ready turn of his Cousin, and remarking that allflesh was dust, proceeded towards the increasing party: here they soonfound out; that, as a venerable son of the fan-tailed-hat fraternitydescribed it, "a screw was loose. "

"Perhaps, " inquired Bob, "it is the linch-pin. " "Why aye, mayhap as howthat there may be the case for aught I knows about it. Howsomdever, I'lltell you all about it:--first and foremost you must know that Dick Nobbslives down here in Charles-street, and Dick Nobbs has got a wife. Nowshe is the devil's own darling, and Dick is a match for her or the devilhimself, come from wherever he may, but as good a fellow as ever lapp'dup a pail full of water-gruel; and so you must know as how Dick has thishere very morning been found out, in bed with another man's wife. Theother man is a nightman, and rubbish-carter, vhat lives in the samehouse with Dick; so this here man being out all night at a job, Dickgets lushy, and so help me------, he finds his way steady enough intothat there man's bed, and vhen that there man comes home, my eyes vhat ablow up! There lays Dick Nobbs fast asleep in the man's wife's arms, sohe kicks up a row--Dick shews fight--and the man comes and tells us allabout it; so we are going to try him for a misdemeanor, and he can'thelp himself no how whatsomedever. "

Tom was alive to the story, and in a few minutes the culprit wasconducted to a neighbouring public-house, tried before a whole bench ofthe society, cast, and condemned to undergo the usual sentence insuch cases made and provided, entitled, "Burning Shame, " and activepreparations were making by those of the fraternity without, to carryinto immediate execution the sentence pronounced by those within. 

~~254~~~ The offender was decorated with a bunch of Christmas in hishat, and two large carrots in the front, to represent horns. In thismanner he was mounted on the brawny shoulders of four of his companions, preceded by the crier of the court, another dustman, with a bell, whichhe rung lustily, and at intervals proclaimed the crime of which theculprit had been found guilty. After the crier, followed eight moreof the brotherhood, two and two, their hats ornamented with bunchesof holly, and a burning candle in the front of each hat. Then came theculprit, carried as already described, with a pot of heavy wet in onehand, and a pipe of tobacco in the other, which he occasionally smoaked, stooping forward to light it at one of the candles in the fantail hatsof his two front supporters. The rear of this ludicrous procession wasbrought up by several other dustmen and coalheavers, and their ladies. The procession set out from Charles-street, down Drury-lane, GreatQueen-street, Wild-street, and round Clare Market, followed by animmense crowd, which kept increasing as they went, and nearly renderedthe streets impassable. Two collectors were appointed, one on each sideof the street, and were very active in levying contributions amongthe spectators to defray the expenses. They stopped at severalpublic-houses, where they quaffed off oceans of heavy wet, and numerousstreamlets of old Jamaica, and then returned to headquarters inCharles-street, where the offence was drowned in drink, and they andtheir ladies passed the remainder of the evening, as happy as beer andgin, rum and tobacco, could make them. 

Having witnessed a considerable part of this ceremonious proceeding, and been informed of the intended finale, our friends, who began tofeel somewhat uncomfortable for want of refreshment and rest, proposedreturning home; and having thrown themselves into a hack, they in ashort time arrived at Piccadilly. 

CHAPTER XIX

 "'If in Real Life's chapter you e'er tind a blank, 'Tis yourself and you only you justly can thank; For to him who is willing--there's no need to stand, Since enough may be found 'twixt Mile End and the Strand To instruct, to inform, to disgust or invite, To deplore, to respect, to regret or delight. "

 "'Tis in London where unceasing novelty grows, Always fresh--and in bloom like the opening rose; But if to the rose we its sweetness compare, "fis as freely confess'd many thorus gather there; And if to avoid the latter you're prone, 'Tis at least quite as well, where they are, should be known. "

~~255~~~ The arrival at Piccadilly turned out to be truly agreeableto our friends, who were scarcely dressed and seated at thebreakfast-table, before they were surprised by the unexpected appearanceof an old friend, whose company and conversation had upon many occasionsafforded them so much pleasure and information. This was no other thanSparkle. 

"My dear boy, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "you are welcome to the sceneof former gratifications. How is your better half, and all friends inthe country--any increase in the family? Why you look as healthy asHygeia, and as steady as old time. "

"I confess, " replied Sparkle, "you ask so many questions upon importantsubjects in one breath, that I am quite deficient of wind to answer themseriatim. You must therefore take an answer in two words--all's right. "

"Enough, " replied Tom, "then I am content; but how, what, --are you intown alone?"

"You shall know all in time, but don't drive on too hard. I am glad tomeet you again in the regions of fun, frolic, and humour, of which Idoubt not there is, as there always was, a plentiful stock. Glad to seeyou both in good health and tip-top spirits. I have only come to passa fortnight with you; and as I intend to make the utmost use of everyminute of the time, don't let us waste in empty words what would bebetter employed in useful deeds. "

~~256~~~ "Useful deeds, " re-echoed Tom, "useful deeds--that savours ofreflection. I thought you were fully aware it is an article consideredof little value in the labyrinths of London; but since you are become, as I may venture to presume, a useful man, what may be the objects uponwhich you propose to practise your utility?"

"Still the same I find, Tom; all life, spirit, and gaiety, nothing likea hit, and I suppose you now think you have a palpable one. Never mind, I am not easily disconcerted, therefore you may play off the artilleryof your wit without much chance of obtaining a triumph; but however, inplain words, I expect to be a happy father in about another month. "

"O ho!" said Tom, "then you are really a useful member of society, andI suppose are merely come up to town for the purpose of picking up alittle more useful information and instruction how to perform the partof Papa. "

"Nay, " replied Sparkle, "I could hardly expect to obtain such from you. I must therefore be excused and acquitted of all such intentions--butjoking apart, how are you devoted?"

"To you, " replied Tallyho, who was much pleased by this accession totheir society. 

"Then, " continued Sparkle, "lend me all the assistance in your power. When did you see our old friend Merrywell!"

"The last time I saw him was in a place of safety, studying the law, andtaking lessons from its professors in the Priory. "

"We must find him, " replied Sparkle; "so if you are not engaged, comealong, and I will relate the circumstances which induce this search aswe proceed. "

To this proposal Tom and Bob readily acceding, the party were quickly ontheir way towards Abbot's Park. 

~~257~~~ "You must know, " said Sparkle, "that Merry well's uncle inthe country having received some information upon the subject of hisconfinement, probably very highly coloured, has since his releasewithdrawn his patronage and support, so that the poor fellow has beenwithout supplies for some time past, and I am at a loss to conjectureby what means he is now working the oracle for a subsistence. His uncle, however, is in the last stage of a severe illness, with little chanceof recovery; and as I apprehend there is but little time to spare, Iintend, if possible, to find our old acquaintance, start him for hisrelative's residence, in hope that he may arrive in time to be in at thedeath, and become inheritor of his estate, which is considerable, andmay otherwise be apportioned among persons for whom he has had butlittle or no regard while living. "

"The object in view is a good one, " said Dashall, "and I sincerely hopewe shall succeed in our endeavours. "

Passing down St. James's-street, Sparkle was quickly recognized by manyof his old acquaintances and friends, and congratulated upon his returnto the scenes where they had, in company with him, enjoyed many a lark;and invitations came in as fast upon nim as the moments of life werefleeting away: for the present, however, all engagements weredeclined, till the principal object of his journey to London should beaccomplished; and after inquiries about old friends, and observationsupon the passing occurrences of the moment were over, they proceeded ontheir way. Westminster Bridge was the precise line of direction for themto pursue, and as fortune would have it, they had scarcely arrived atthe foot of it, before they discovered Merrywell bustling along inan opposite direction: he, however, appeared rather inclined to passwithout recognition or acknowledgment, when Sparkle turning close uponhim, gave him a hearty tap on the shoulder, which made him as it wereinvoluntarily turn his head. 

"Well met, " said Sparkle, "I want you. "

"At whose suit. Sir?" was the immediate inquiry. 

"To suit yourself, " was a reply as quickly given. 

"Zounds!" said Merrywell, "I had little idea of being tapped on theshoulder by an old friend--but are you indeed in earnest?"

"Certainly I am, and can't be refused; but if you should be pinchedfor bail, I think I have two friends with me who will do the needful;"introducing Tom and Bob. 

"I see how it is, " continued Merrywell, "and have no objection to ajoke; but I can't bear to have it carried too far. --How d'ye do, howd'ye do--can't stop--in a devil of a hurry--full of business. "

~~258~~~ "Zounds!" said Tom, "you are almost as bad as the man whohaving married a wife could not come; but if I may be so bold, whitheraway so fast?"

"To Westminster Hall--the sessions is on--must go--law is like the tide, it stays for none--adieu. "

"We cannot part thus, " said Sparkle, "I have come some miles in searchof you, and cannot afford to be played with now. "

"Then accompany me to Westminster Hall, and I will be at your service. "

"If not, " replied Sparkle, "I shall enter a special detainer againstyou--so come along. "

They now entered Westminster Hall, where Merry well having disposed ofsome briefs and other papers into the hands of a counsellor preparatoryto a cause coming on;

"There, " continued he, unow I am at your service. "

"Then tell me, " said Sparkle, "what you are at. "

"First, " inquired Merry well, "let me know what is your object in askingsuch a question. "

This being briefly explained, together with the absolute necessity therewas for his leaving town without delay--

"Now, " said he, "I am at liberty to give you a sketch of circumstanceswhich have befallen me since I saw you last. "

"Come then, " said Dashall, "we will proceed to Piccadilly, spend acomfortable afternoon, and ship you off by the mail from the White HorseCellar at eight o'clock. "

"With all my heart, " was the reply. "Well, now you must understand, I ama sort of dabbler in professions. I was liberated from the high wallof the Priory by the Insolvent Debtor's Act; and since the unfortunaterepresentation to the Old Boy, which deprived me of the needfulsupplies, I have tried my hand in three different ways. "

"And which are they?"

"Love, law, and literature, " continued Merry well. 

"A very pretty combination, " said Dashall, "and are you able to makethem blend comfortably together?"

~~259~~~ "Nothing more easy in the world. In the first place, a lady hastaken a fancy to me, which fancy I am willing to indulge; in return forwhich she provides me with every indulgence. --I profess to be principalin the office of a" lawyer of established practice, who suffers me toshare in the profits of such business as I can obtain. In the way ofliterature I have as yet done but little, though I am encouraged to hopemuch, from the success of others. Indeed I am told, if I can but writelibels for John Bull, I may make a rapid fortune. "

"And when so made, " said Sparkle, "I shall wish you well with it; but Ithink the speculation I have already named much more likely to turn outequal to your wishes, and more consonant with your feelings, than thepursuit of either of those you have mentioned. "

"There I agree perfectly with you; and if I can make all right with theold gentleman, a fig for all the rest of my occupations: but you know Ialways liked independence, and if I could not get a fortune ready made, I had a desire to be the architect of one I should raise for myself. "

"Why I know you have generally borne the character of a man of genius. "

"Yes, and a deal my character did for me after quitting the walls. Whyman, I happened to hear of a vacancy in a city parish school, for whichI ventured to conceive myself duly qualified, and therefore determinedto make application to the churchwardens, one of whom had the characterof being a man of great power, and was said to be the first in his linein the three kingdoms. Away I posted, full of hope and expectationof becoming a second Caleb Quotem, not doubting but salary andcircumstances would turn out exactly to my wish. "

"But I thought you liked independence, " said Tallyho. 

"Rather too much to engage in that concern, " was the reply, "as you willhear presently. Upon tracing out this gentleman who bore so strong arecommendation to particular notice, you may guess my surprise uponfinding 'Purveyor of sausages' in gold letters over his door. "

Dashall burst into an irresistible laugh, and was most cordially joinedby Sparkle and Tallyho, who were now strongly interested in the resultof Merrywell's account. 

"When I arrived, " continued Merry well, "this patron was reading thenewspaper, which he threw down immediately upon my entrance, havingmistaken me for a customer. "

~~260~~~ "Survaut, Sir, " said he, pulling down his greasywaist-coat. --"I am come, Sir, " said I, "to make some inquiryconcerning a vacant school-master-ship. "--"Oh there again, " resumed thesausage-making churchwarden, --"Vy you are the seventeenth fellow thathas been here to-day a bothering me about this plaguy vacasey. How doyou read? you'll have a trial before me and my brother representative ofthis parish, and my spouse will also attend the reading bouts. Now ifso be as you minds your hits, why then may be you'll be the dominy. But, mind you, I don't like your sonorous voices, and my spouse--she knowsthings quite as well as I do, --she vants a great deal of action, soonly you mind, loud and sonorous, and plenty of muscular motion for myspouse, that's the vay to win; but I haven't any time to talk to younow, you must call of an evening, when I am more at leisure, and thenI'll explain; so move off now, Sir, move off, for I sees a customercoming--survant maum. "--"Flesh and blood could bear no more, andso"------"So what, " said Sparkle; "did you knock him down in the midstof his own sausages?"

"No, no, I knew too much of the law for that; but I cut thechurchwarden, and bolted from the sausage-shop, determined to embracelaw, physic, or divinity, in preference to cutting

 "---------- The rumps Of little school-boy Jackies. "

"The study of the law was rather compulsory than voluntary, for duringmy residence in the College I was under the necessity of devoting somepart of my time to, though I felt no great partiality for it; and youknow law is law; and as in such, and so forth, and hereby and aforesaid, provided always nevertheless notwithstanding, law is like a countrydance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired: law is likea book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. It isalso like physic, they that take least of it are best off: law is likea homely gentlewoman, very well to follow: law is like a scolding wife, very bad when it follows us: law is like a new fashion, people arebewitched to get into it; it is also like bad weather, most people areglad when they get out of it. "

~~261~~~ "I believe that sincerely, " cried the Hon. Tom Dashall; "for Ithink there are instances enough in which law has nothing at all to dowith justice. "{1}

 1 This remark of the Hon. Tom Dashall is admirably illustrated by the following statement:--

 Twelve People in one Bail Bond fob Ten Pounds. --There are very few instances of delinquency which we have stated, that will stagger the belief of the fair practitioner, because they know such transactions are possible; their only surprise is the impunity with which they are committed, mixed with some regret that the profession is so contaminated. The species of peculation we have now to submit to our readers is of singular nature; for we know not whether folly, impudence, or infamy, has the greater share in the transaction; we will therefore leave our readers to judge:--as to the statement of the fact, it is impossible we can err, as we were concerned for the defendants, and the case, singular as it is, was literally and accurately thus:--One of those unfortunate females who contribute to the existence of a miscreant crew of bawds, milliners, hair-dressers, tally-women, and many other reptiles of the same class, was arrested for ten pounds, at the house of the celebrated, or, more properly speaking, the notorious, Mrs. Johnson, of Jermyn-street:--the attorney accompanied the officer; and it happened that a young gentleman connected with a banking-house of great respectability was present, whom the attorney directed to take in a bail bond, with the lady-abbess herself; but as they were not sufficiently responsible, ten more of the cyprian tribe, all nuns of the same convent, were likewise required to execute this bond; of course they complied. The attorney, after having made the parties acquainted with the great favour he had shewn them, and the vast responsibility he had taken upon himself, required no more than two guineas for the officer and himself; telling them he would give them information when any thing further was to be done; instead of which he took an assignment, sued out process, prepared declarations, and served the parties. 

 The gentleman, rather alarmed at the idea of the circumstance being known, desired us to pay the debt and costs: for that purpose we applied to the attorney, and to our astonishment we were informed that the costs amounted to Thirty Pounds! for that there were twelve defendants. The reader cannot suppose that any thing further could pass upon such a preposterous subject, than giving notice of an application to the court, to set aside the proceedings. On our return home we found eleven of the defendants, consisting of the old brood hen and her chickens, each with a copy of the process in her hand. The business now most certainly put on the appearance of some costs. We again applied to the attorney, and, by way of cutting it short, offered him five pounds; but he, like many others who rely on the integrity and propriety of their practice, disdained a compromise, or abridgement of his lawful fees, and he was hardy enough to suffer the application. It is almost needless to say, the proceedings were set aside. We have forebome to mention the name of the attorney, on account of the misery in which this dreadful transaction has involved him, a misery which amply atones for his offences, and deprives him of the power of ever offending again as an attorney. Far be it from us then to sink him deeper in the gulph of wretchedness: we kick not the dead lion; it is athletic triumphant villany against which we wage war. 

~~202~~~ By this time they were arrived in Piccadilly, where they satdown to a cheerful refreshment, and proceeded to make arrangementsfor Merry well's departure: previous to this, however, Dashall and hisCousin had an engagement to keep with their Hibernian friends, of whichparticulars will appear in the next Chapter. 

CHAPTER XX

 All hail to the day of the tutelar Saint, Old George, not the King, but the Prince of brave fellows, And Champion of England, by Providence sent To slay a fierce Dragon as histories tell us!

 And hail to the King of the first Isle on Earth, His fame with St. George and the Dragon who blending, Has chosen to celebrate this as his birth, The day of all others, good fortune portending. 

 Away then with Care, let us haste to the Park, Where Buckingham-house will exhibit a levy Resplendent in rank, youth and beauty;--and hark! Hoarse cannon announce both the birth-day and Levee. 

 Reverberate then, in each sea-port the roar! And wave England's Standard on high, from each steeple, And skip from the oiling, each ship, to the shore, And joyfully dance on dry land with the people!{1}

 1 That we may not be accused of plagiarism, we acknowledge ourselves indebted for the hyperbole contained in the last two lines of these introductory stanzas, to an original recommendation for a proper display of rapture, as contained in the following couplet by one Peter Ker, wherein he very humanely invites all the vessels belonging to Great Britain to strand themselves out of joy for the accession of James I. 

 "Let subjects sing, bells ring, and cannons roar, And every ship come dancing to the shore. "

 The morning of St. George's Day was ushered in, as the appointed anniversary of his Majesty's birth, by all the church-bells of the metropolis, the waving of the royal standard from the steeples, the display of the colours of all nations by the vessels in the Thames, and Cumberland mentions in his Memoirs, that when his father the Bishop revisited his estate in Ireland, an affectionate rustic hit upon an ingenious mode of shewing his happiness, by leaping from a tree, and breaking his leg! We do not find that any of his Majesty's loving subjects in the Park on St. George's Day followed the example of the Irish rustic!

[Illustration: page233. Jpg St. George's Day]

Other manifestations of affection by a grateful people to the best ofSovereigns!--

 "The sky was overcast, the morning lower'd, And heavily in clouds brought on the day. "

~~264~~~ But despite of wind or wet, female curiosity must be gratified. Miss Judith Macgilligan had some time previous to this auspiciousday, expressed a desire to witness the gay and brilliant assemblageof company in progress to the Levee, and Tom and Bob having gallantlyvolunteered their services on this important occasion, they now salliedforth, just as the Park and Tower guns were thundering the announcementof festivity, and joining Sir Felix O'Grady and his aunt at theirlodgings, the party immediately moved onward to the scene of action. 

Already had Royalty taken wing, and dignified with his presence the latematernal Palace, before our pedestrians reached the Park, to the greatdisappointment of Miss Macgilligan, who however consoled herself withthe hope of being able to obtain a glimpse of monarchy as his Majestypassed on his return to Carlton-house. 

The Baronet in the meanwhile was in a reverie, which at last broke outin the following rhapsody:--

 Oh! blest occasion of dispensing good, How seldom used, how little understood!-- To nurse with tender care the thriving arts, Watch every beam philosophy imparts: To give religion her unbridled scope, Nor judge by statute a believer's hope; With close fidelity and love unfeign'd, To keep the matrimonial bond unstain'd; Covetous only of a virtuous praise, His life a lesson to the land he sways. Blest country where these kingly glories shine! Blest England, if this happiness be thine!

 But, --

 If smiling peeresses, and simp'ring peers, Encompassing his throne a few short years; If the gilt carriage and the pamper'd steed, That wants no driving and disdains the lead; If guards, mechanically form'd in ranks, Playing at beat of drum their martial pranks, Should'ring, and standing as if stuck to stone, While condescending majesty looks on;-- If monarchy consists in such base things, Sighing, I say again, I pity Kings. 

~~265~~~ An immense number of splendid carriages now presentedthemselves to view, in continued and uninterrupted succession, stretching from the Horse Guards the whole length of the Mall, toBuckingham-house, where each setting down, and thence taking up aposition in the Bird-cage Walk, they formed a circle of nearly twomiles, and exhibited, in the magnificence of the vehicles, the admirablesymmetry of the horses, and rich liveries of the attendants, a scene ofinterest, matchless perhaps by any other metropolis in the universe. 

Skirting the indeterminable line of carriages, that slowly and underfrequent stoppages proceeded to the goal of attraction, our partypenetrated at last the dense mass of spectators, and gaininga favourable post of observation, took a position adjacent toBuckingham-house, where the band of music of the Foot Guards within, and that of the Horse Guards without the iron-railing circumscribing thepalace, alternately enlivened the scene with "concord of sweet sounds. "

But the great and general object of attention, was that of femaleloveliness, occupying almost every passing vehicle. Dashall remarked, that he had never before been gratified with such an extensive andcaptivating display. Sir Felix and the Squire were in raptures, and eventhe primitive austerity of Miss Macgilligan yielded to the influence ofbeauty, and acknowledging its predominancy, she at same time observed, that its fascination was enhanced by the dress of the ladies, which, though splendid, exhibited genuine taste, and was more remarkable forits uniform adherence to modesty than she had hitherto seen it on anysimilar occasion. {1}

 1 We are not fastidious, neither would we wish the charms of youth and beauty inaccessible to admiration; but certainly the dress, or rather undress of our fair countrywomen, has of late years bordered closely on nudity. --Female delicacy is powerfully attractive; we were glad to observe its predominancy at the last Levee, and we trust that it will gain universal prevalence. --Edit. 

~~266~~~ Dashall, whose place would more properly have been in thecircle within the palace than amongst the spectators without, wasfrequently saluted by the passing company; and when the fair handof beauty waved gracefully towards him, Sir Felix felt happy inthe friendship and society of a gentleman thus honoured with suchdistinguished recognition, and in the warmth of his feelings exclaimedaloud, that, "by the immortal powers, were he King of England, he wouldbe more proud of the irradiating charms of these celestial visiters, than in the diadem of royalty and extension of empire!" This remark wasuniversally acquiesced in, and most cordially so by a group of livelygirls, to whom it had apparently given much pleasure; one of whomthanked the Baronet in the name of the sex, and complimented him on hisgallantry, which she said was truly characteristic of his country. 

To Sir Felix an encomium from a fair lady was ever irresistible. 

He bowed, expressed a commensurate feeling of gratitude for the honourconferred upon him, and professed himself an ardent admirer of the wholeof women kind; concluding by humming a stanza from Burns, --

 "Auld Nature swears the lovely dears Her noblest work she classes, O; Her 'prentice han' she tried on man, And then she made the lasses, O. "

Unluckily for the apophthegm of the Baronet, it so happened, that aquarrel took place in the immediate vicinity and hearing of the party, between two rival female fruiterers of the Emerald Isle; during whichincivilities were exchanged in language not altogether acceptable to theauricular organs of delicacy. The brogue was that of Munster, --thewar of words waged quicker and faster; and from invective the heroinesseemed rapidly approximating to actual battle. Neither park-keeper norconstable were at hand; and although the surrounding mobility "laughedat the tumult and enjoyed the storm, " Sir Felix, much distressed atso untoward an incident, and deeply interested in the honour of hiscountry, so lately the theme of elegant panegyric, dashed through thecrowd, the component parts of which he scattered aside like chaff, andarrested the further progress of the wranglers. 

"Arrah, now, for the honour of Munster, be any, ye brats of the devil'sown begetting!"

"Hear him! hear him! hear the umpire!" resounded from all quarters. 

"May the devil make hell-broth of ye both, in his own caldron!"

~~267~~~ The mirth of the multitude became now still more obstreperous, and Tom and Bob pushed forward to the assistance of their friend, whowas in the act of keeping the two viragos apart from each other, havinga hand on each, and holding them at arms length, alternately threateningand remonstrating, while the two nymphs, with frightful grimaces, struggled to elude his grasp, and abide the chance of war;--the scenealtogether would have afforded ample scope for the pencil of an artist;and if not edifying, was at least to a numerous and motley assemblageof spectators, highly entertaining. Sir Felix declined the assistance ofhis friends, --

"Never mind it, " said he, "I'll settle the affair myself, myhonies:" and slipping a half-crown piece into the hand of each ofthe amazons--"Now be off wid you, " he whispered, --"lave the Parkimmediately;--away to the gin-shop;--shake hands wid each other infriendship; and drink good-luck to Sir Felix O'Grady. "

With many expressions of gratitude, the contending parties obeyed themandate, and walked off lovingly together, cheek-by-jowl, as if noirruption of harmony had happened!

"Long life to him!" exclaimed a son of green Erin; "wid a word in theear he has settled the business at once. "

"And I pray, " said a reverend looking gentleman in black, "that allconflicting powers may meet with like able mediation. "

"Amen!" responded a fellow in the drawling nasil tone of a parish-clerk;and the congregation dispersed. 

The tumult thus happily subdued, Sir Felix, with Tom and Bob, rejoinedMiss Macgilligan and the group with whom she had been left in chargewhen the two latter gentlemen came to the Baronet's relief. 

The "ardent admirer of the whole of women kind" sustained the jokes ofthe company with admirable equanimity of temper; and the same young ladywho had eulogized his gallantry, now said that it was unfair, and whatthe Baronet could not possibly mean, to take his words in their literalacceptation; at the same time she highly commended his benevolentinterference in the quarrel between the two women, and congratulated himon his address in bringing it to an amicable termination. 

~~268~~~ Resuming their attention to the still continued line ofcompany, Dashall and his friends remarked that pearls were a prominentpart of female ornament at the present levee; particularly, he said, with the galaxy of Civic beauty from the East; for he had recognizedso decorated, several elegantes, the wives and daughters of aldermen, bankers, merchants and others, of his City acquaintances. {1} A ponderousstate carriage, carved and gilt in all directions, and the pannelsrichly emblazoned with heraldry, now came slowly up the Mall, and SirFelix immediately announced the approach of the Lord Mayor of the Cityof London; but as the vehicle approximated nearer towards him, he becamelost in a labyrinth of conjecture, on perceiving, that the pericraniumof its principal inmate was enveloped in a wig of appalling dimensions;he now inquired whether the profundity of wisdom was denoted bythe magnitude of a wig; and if so, why it was not worn by the CivicSovereign rather on the seat of justice, where it might operate _interrorem_ on delinquency, than on the happy occasion of his Majesty'sanniversary; when Dashall unravelled the mystery, by acquainting theBaronet, that the personage whom he supposed to be the Lord Mayor ofLondon, was the Lord High Chancellor of England. 

 1 By what curious links and fantastical relations are mankind connected together. At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alerman's wife! It is said that the great Linnæus had discovered the secret of infecting oysters with this perligenous disease; what is become of the secret we know not, as the only interest tee take in oysters, is of a much more vulgar, though perhaps a more humane nature. Mr. Percival, in his Account of the Island of Ceylon, gives a very interesting account of the fishery, and of the Sea-dogs. "This animal is as fond of the legs of Hindoos, as Hindoos are of the pearls of oysters; and as one appetite appears to him much more natural and less capricious' than the other, he never fails to indulge it. "

~~269~~~ The company still poured along, numerous and diversified, beyond all former precedent; including all the nobility in town, theirladies, daughters, et cetera; officers of the army and navy, grandcrosses and knights companions of the most honourable order of the Bath;dignified sages and learned brethren of the law; and, "though last, notleast in our esteem, " the very right reverend Fathers in God, theLords Bishops, in the costume of sacerdotal panoply; and amidst thefascination of female beauty, setting their affections on thingsabove!{1}

 1 Latimer, bishop of Worcester, speaking of the gentlemen of the black cloth, says, --"Well, I would all men would look to their dutie, as God hath called them, and then we should have a flourish-ing Christian common weale. And now I would ask a strange question. Who is the most diligentest bishop and prelate in all Englande, that passeth all the rest in doing his office? 1 can tell, for I know him who it is; I know him well. But now I think I see you listening and hearkening that I should name him. There is one that passeth all the other, and is the most diligent prelate and preacher in all Englande. And will you know who it is? I will tell you. It is the Devil! He is the most diligent preacher of all other; he is never out of his diocese; he is never from his cure; ye shall never fynde him unoccupyed; he is ever in his parish; he keepeth residence at all times; ye shall never fynde him out of the way; call for him when you will he is ever at home; the diligentest preacher in all the realme; no lording or loyteriug can hynder him; he is ever applying his busyness; ye shall never f'ynde him idle I warrant you. "

From noon until past four, visiters continued to arrive; when thecarriages again circumscribed the Park, each taking up at the gate ofBuckingham-house, and thence passing home by the Bird-cage Walk, andthrough the Horse Guards. The arrangements were excellent; no accidentoccurred. The Life Guards lined the Mall, and a numerous detachmentof police-officers were on the alert throughout the day. Theirindefatigable exertions however were not entirely available incounteracting the industry of the light-fingered gentry, of whom therewere many on the look-out; and doubtless on this, as on every otheroccasion of public resort in the metropolis, they reaped the fruits of aplentiful harvest. 

The party sauntering along the Mall, Sir Felix observed one of the groupwith whom he was associated when viewing the company proceeding to thePalace, and would have entered into familiar chit-chat with him, but forthe interposition of Dashall, who taking the Baronet aside, cautionedhim against having intercourse with a stranger, of whom he knew nothing, but who had all the appearance of a black-leg. 

Dashall was an accurate observer of men and manners; and in the presentinstance his conjecture was well founded; for, in a few subsequentmoments, ~~270~~~ What was the devil's gratitude to Latimer for this eulogyAccording to his biography, "for his zeal in the Protestant faith, he was, with Ridley, bishop of London, burnt at Oxford in 1554. " thisassumed gentleman was met by a reconnoitering party of the police, whoclaiming the privilege of old acquaintance, took him into custody asa reputed thief, to the manifest surprise and dismay of Miss JudithMacgilligan, who instinctively putting her hand into her pocket, foundthat her purse had vanished through the medium of some invisible agency. It contained, fortunately, silver only. She now mentioned her loss, andexpressed her suspicion of the gentleman in duresse; he having stoodclose by her, for a considerable length of time, while she and herfriends were stationary in the Mall. The officers accordingly searchedhim; but the wily adept, anticipating consequences, had disencumberedhimself of the purse; part of the silver, however, found in hispossession, tallied in description with that which had been lost, although the lady could not identify it as her property. He wasconducted from the Park, with the view of being introduced to therecollection of the magistrates of the Public-office in Bow-street. 

During this transaction, a carriage bearing the royal arms, and attendedby two footmen only, drove rapidly along the Mall, without attractingparticular notice, and entering the garden-gate of Carlton-house, wasimmediately lost to public view; nor did the numerous groups who werein waiting to catch a transient glance of royalty, recognise in theunassuming inmate of this vehicle, the sacred person of his mostgracious Majesty King George the Fourth, who was thus pleased modestlyto decline the congratulations of his loving subjects, by eluding, incognita, their observation. 

This was a second grievous disappointment to our venerable aunt, andmight have operated as a spell against the further enjoyment of the day;but the gloom of vexation was dispersed by the Esquire of Belville-hall, who observed, that the royal lineage of the lady might aspire to a moreintimate knowledge of majesty than a view _en passant_, and that atany future levee there could not exist a doubt of the facility of MissMacgilligan's introduction. 

A convenient and vacant bench presenting itself, the associates nowseated themselves. 

"Apropos, " exclaimed Sir Felix, "talking of the King, does his Majestymean to honour with another visit his Hanoverian dominions this ensuingsummer?"

~~271~~~ The inquiry was directed to Dashall, whom the Baronet wasaccustomed to look upon as an universal intelligencer. 

Tom declared his incompetency to answer the question. 

"Well, " continued Sir Felix, "were I the monarch of this empire, J wouldmake myself acquainted with every part of it. A tour through England, Scotland, and Ireland, should be my primary object, and a visit to myforeign territories a subordinate consideration, I would travel fromtown to town in the land that gave me birth; like the Tudors and theStuarts; with confidence in the loyalty of my people, my person shouldbe familiar to them, and 1 should at all times be accessible to theircomplaints. Elizabeth and the Second James made frequent excursionsinto distant parts of the country, and every where were received withaddresses of fidelity. Were his present Majesty to follow, in thisrespect, the example of his royal predecessors, who can doubt hisexperiencing the most ample and unequivocal demonstrations of attachmentto his person and government?"

The friendly associates indulged a hearty laugh at the expense ofthe visionary, although they did him the justice to believe that histheoretical improvements on the policy of majesty were the ebullition ofa generous heart, warm in fraternal regard for the whole of human kind. 

Tom, however, reminded him that the pusillanimous James II. Acquiredno popularity by his royal tours; and that the affections of the peoplewere not to be gained by the merely personal condescension of themonarch. {1}

 1 During the reign of King James II. , and when, not unlike the present day, the people were much oppressed and burthened with taxes, that monarch having, in the course of a tour through England, stopt at Winchelsea, the Corporation resolved to address his Majesty; but as the Mayor could neither read nor write, it was agreed that the Recorder should prompt him on the occasion. Being introduced, the Recorder whispered the trembling Mayor, "Hold up your head, and look like a man. " The Mayor mis-taking this for the beginning of the speech, addressed the King, and repeated aloud, "Hold up your head, and look like a man. " The Recorder, in amaze, whispered the Mayor, "What the devil do you mean?" The Mayor in the same manner instantly repeated, "What the devil do you mean?" The Recorder, alarmed, whispered more earnestly, "By G-----d, Sir, you'll ruin us all. "

 The Mayor, still imagining this to be a part of his speech, said, with all "his might, "By G-----d, Sir, you'll ruin us all. "

~~272~~~So slow was the progress of the vehicles towards the palace forthe purpose of taking up their respective owners, that many gentlemen, whose residences were in the vicinity, rather than wait, preferredwalking across the Park; while the unusual exhibition of a pedestrianin full court-dress excited no little attention from the multitude. Our party proceeding in their lounge, was presently met by one of thesegentlemen, who recognizing Dashall and Tallyho, shook them cordiallyby the hand, and was introduced to Sir Felix and his Aunt, as Captain ofthe Royal Navy. 

The Captain, to adopt a Court phrase, was most graciously received bythe lady; who observing he had been present at the Levee, begged that hewould favour her with an account of what had passed. 

The gallant Captain, retracing his steps with his friends along theMall, said, that little or nothing had occurred worthy of remark. 

"The drawing-room, " he continued, "was crowded to such excess, that Ishould have felt myself more at ease in the bilboes; however, amidst theawkwardness of the squeeze, I frequently came into unavoidable contactwith some very fine girls, and that pleasure certainly more thancompensated all inconveniences. The King (God bless him)! perspiredmost prodigiously; for the heat was intolerable; he appeared very muchfatigued; and 1 hope has retired with a superior relish to enjoythe quietude and luxury of the royal table at Carlton Palace. Thepresentations of the female sprigs of nobility were numerous, to all ofwhom he paid particular attention, in duty bound, as a gallant Cavalierand the best bred gentleman in Europe. Indeed, he seemed to gloat on thecharms of those terrestrial deities with ecstacy! The introductionswere endless, and the etiquette tiresome and monotonous. In fact, after making my humble congée, extrication became my only object, andI effected a retreat with difficulty. My stay was short, and as I hadneither inclination nor opportunity for minute remark, I hope, Madam, that you will pardon my incapability of answering your inquiry in a moreparticular manner. "

~~273~~~ Nothing farther could be elicited. In truth, the Captainhad left nothing untold; for his description of the Levee, althoughsuccinct, was correct, laying aside the enumeration of the _dramatispersonæ_, too numerous, and in many instances perhaps too insignificant, for recollection. 

The gallant son of Neptune now took his leave, and the party continuedto enjoy the pleasure of the promenade. 

The Park was still thronged with spectators, attracted by the retiringvisitors, of whom some it seems were no welcome guests. 

Whether vice had contaminated the hallowed presence of Royalty, wecannot take upon us to say; but it appears that the sanctum sanctorumhad been polluted by intrusion; for a notification was issued next dayby the Lord Chamberlain, prefaced with the usual Whereas, "that certainimproper persons had gained access to his Majesty's Levee, and stating, that in future no one would be admitted unless in full Court dress, including bag-wig, sword, " &c. {1}

 1 As if these appendages were only within the reach of the higher classes of the community, and uncomeatable by purchase! The most depraved character may obtain the plausible appearance of gentility, and obtrude himself into the first circle of fashion. These opportunities abound in the metropolis; and such is the apathy of the present age, that the accomplished swindler, of exterior allurement, intermixes, _sans_ inquiry, with honourable rank; and even where inquiry is deemed necessary, all minor considerations vanish before the talismanic influence of Wealth! "Is he rich? Incalculably so! Then, let's have him, by all means. " Thus the initiated of Chesterfield obtain admission into polished society, although the Principles of Politeness inculcated by that nobleman, contain, as a celebrated lexicographer said of them, "the morals of a wh**e, and the manners of a dancing-master!"

The party having lounged away another pleasant hour, made ultimatelytheir exit from the Park by the Stable-yard, and entering Pall Mall, were agreeably surprised with a very interesting exhibition. 

During many years of the late King's reign, it was usual on thebirth-day anniversary for the different mail coaches to pass in reviewbefore his Majesty in front of St. James's Palace. The custom stillprevails. 

On the present occasion numerous spectators had assembled opposite Carlton-house; and it is presumed that the Sovereign thence witnessed theprocession, although he was not within the view of public observation. 

~~274~~~ Above thirty mail coaches, fresh gilt and painted, or inthe language of churchwardens, beautified, and each drawn by fournoble-spirited, yet perfectly tractable horses, elegantly caparisoned, now made their appearance. The cavalcade moved slowly onward, theprancing steeds impatient of restraint, and conscious of superiority. On the box of each vehicle was seated a portly good looking man, the knowing Jehu of the road, and behind was the guard, occasionally"winding his bugle-horn" with melodious and scientific ability. Thereins and harness were new, so also were the royal liveries of thecoachmen and guards. Mounted conductors led the van of the procession, while others accompanied it on either side; and the interest of thescene was considerably heightened by each coach being occupied insideby handsome well-dressed women and children. The rear of this imposingspectacle was brought up by a long train of the twopenny post-boys, allnewly clothed in the royal uniform, and mounted on hardy ponies, chieflyof the Highland and Shetland breed. The cavalcade halted in front of theroyal residence, and gave three cheers in honour of the day, whichwere heartily returned by the populace. The procession then resumed itsprogress by Charing-cross, the Strand, Fleet-street, Ludgate-hill, roundSt. Paul's, and by Cheapside into Lombard-street, Passing up the new street, the associates reached the mansion ofDashall, who had previously engaged his friends to dinner. 

An elegant repast was immediately served up, and highly enjoyed by theparty, after such prolonged exercise and abstinence. 

The conversation turning on the recent interesting exhibition, it wasuniversally acknowledged, that the introduction of the mail coach intothe establishment of the General Post-office, might be classed among thehighest improvements of the age, as amazingly accelerating thecelerity of intercourse with all parts of the empire. Neither wasthe well-merited meed of encomium withheld from the Twopenny-postInstitution, by which, so frequently in the course of the day, thefacility of communication is kept up within the metropolis and suburbs, extending to all adjacencies, and bounded only by the limits of thebills of mortality. Dashall, who seldom let slip an opportunity ofappropriate remark ~~275~~~ digressed from the procession to theimportant national utility of the Post-office, and thence, by easytransition, to the sublime powers of the human mind, as emphaticallyexemplified in the invention of writing and printing; while Sir Felix, who was well experienced in the British poets, favoured his aunt with aquotation from Pope's Epistle of Heloisa to Abelard, subject, however, to such whimsical interpolation as he deemed suitable to the occasion:--

Heaven first taught letters for some wretch's aid, Some antique, lovesick, North of Ireland maid! They live, they speak, they breathewhat age inspires, Preposterous fondness and impure desires! The latentwish without a blush impart, Reveal the frailties of a morbid heart;Speed the neglected sigh from soul to soul, And waft a groan from Industo the Pole!

The reading of Miss Macgilligan, like her ideas, was rather on acontracted scale. She suspected, however, that her nephew had aimedagainst her the shafts of ridicule, and was preparing her resentmentaccordingly; when the Baronet deprecating her wrath, assured her, thathe had recited the lines exactly as originally written, and that in thepresent clay they had no personal application, having been composed bya little cynical fellow many years before Miss Macgilligan came intoexistence. --The lady gave credence to the assertion, and the impendingstorm was happily averted. 

The residence of royalty being within the precinct of St. James's, thebells of the neighbouring church sounded a merry peal in the ears ofthe party; and were responded to by those of St, Martin-in-the-Fields, a parish of which it is remarkable that his Majesty George II. Was oncechurch-warden, serving the office, of course, by deputy. The steepleof this church, as well as those of many others in the metropolis, displayed, throughout the day, the royal standard, a manifestation ofloyalty which likewise extended itself to the liquid element of oldfather Thames, where many of the vessels commemorated the anniversary byfrequent salutes of artillery, under the decorative and splendid canopyformed by the colours of all nations. 

~~276~~~ The carriages of the foreign ambassadors, and those of thefriends of government, were again in requisition, and rattled along thestreets towards the several mansions of the members of administration, who each, in conformity with ancient usage, gave a grand dinner on thebirth-day, at least on that appointed for its celebration. 

"At these dinners, " said Dashall, "politics and etiquette are both laidaside; conviviality is the order of the day; the glass, the joke, the repartee and the 'retort courteous, ' circulate freely, and all isharmony and good humour. "

"With sometimes a sprinkling of alloy, " said the Squire, "I have heardthat during the administration of Mr. Pitt, he and the Lord ChancellorThurlow were frequently at variance on subjects having no reference topolitics, and even under the exhilirating influence of the grape. "

The party were all attention, and the Squire proceeded--"At a cabinetdinner a discussion took place between the Premier and Lord Chancellor, as to the comparative merits of the Latin and English languages. Mr. Pitt gave the preference to the former, the Chancellor! to thelatter; and the arguments on both sides were carried on with equalpertinacity. --The Premier would not yield a jot in opinion. Becoming atlast impatient of opposition, "Why, " said he, "the English language is an ambiguity--twonegatives make an affirmative; but in the Latin, two negatives make apositive. "--"Then, " said the Chancellor, "your father and mother musthave been two negatives, to make such a positive fellow as you are!"{1}

 1 Lord Chancellor Thurlow, although a very eccentric character, was yet a man of uncommon benevolence. A vacancy having occurred in a valuable living of which he had the presentation, numerous were the candidates for the benefice; and amongst others, one, recommended by several of the nobility, friends of the ministry, who made himself sure of the appointment, although, directly or indirectly, the Chancellor had not given any promise. In the meanwhile, it was one morning announced to his Lordship, that a gentleman, apparently a clergyman, waited the honour of an interview. The servant was ordered to shew the stranger into the library, whither the Chancellor shortly repaired, and inquired the object of the visit. "My Lord, " said the other, "I served the office of Curate under the deceased Rector, and understanding that the presentation is in your Lordship's gift"--"You want the living, " exclaimed the Chancellor, gruffly. "No, my Lord; my humble pretensions soar not so high; but I presume, most respectfully, to entreat your Lordship's influence with the new Incumbent, that I may be continued in the Curacy. " Surprised and pleased by the singular modesty of the applicant, who had served the same parish as Curate above twenty years, and now produced the most ample testimonials of character, his Lordship entered into conversation with him, and found him of extensive erudition, and orthodox principles. He ascertained, besides, that this poor Curate had a wife with six children entirely dependent on his exertions for support; and that the remuneration allowed for the faithful discharge of arduous duties, had been only thirty pounds per annum. The Chancellor now promised his influence in behalf of the Curate, with the person who probably might succeed to the living. "I shall see him, " added his Lordship, "this very day; attend me to-morrow, and you shall know the result. " The Curate took bis leave, and in the course of the morning the would-be Rector made his appearance. "O!" exclaimed his Lordship, entering directly into the business, "I have had a humble suitor with me to-day, --the Curate of the late incumbent whom you are desirous of succeeding; he wishes to continue in the Curacy; the poor man is burthened with a large family, and hitherto has been very inadequately rewarded for his labour in the productive vineyard of which you anticipate the possession and emolument. Suppose that you constitute the happiness of this worthy man, by giving him a salary of one hundred pounds per annum; he will have all the duties to perform, and you will pocket a surplus, even then, of seven hundred a year, for in fact doing nothing!" This would-be was astonished; he had never before heard of a Curate in the receipt of one hundred pounds per annum; besides, he had already engaged a person to do the duty for twenty-five pounds. Fired with indignation at the inhumanity and arrogant presumption of this callous-hearted Clergyman, --"What!" exclaimed his Lordship, "and so you would turn the poor Curate out of doors, and abridge the miserable pittance of his successor, and all this before you've got the living! John, shew this fellmo down stairs!" Gladly would this Incumbent, by anticipation, have conceded every point required; but it was too late; the die was cast, and he found himself in the street, unknowing how he got there, whether on his hands or his lucls! Next day the Curate was announced. "I have not been able to succeed, " said his Lordship, --"the new Incumbent has engaged a person who will do the duty for twenty-five pounds per annum. " His Lordship paused, and the unfortunate Curate looked the personification of Despondency. "Cheer up, man!" exclaimed his Lordship, "If I have not influence sufficient to continue you in possession of the Curacy, I can, at least, give you the Living!" putting into the hands, at the same time, of the amazed Curate, the presentation to a Rectory worth eight hundred pounds per annum!! Here we must draw the Grecian painter's veil, --the gratification on either side may be conceived, but cannot be expressed. 

~~278~~~ Sir Felix laughed heartily at this anecdote, and inquired ofhis aunt whether she knew any of the Positive family in the North ofIreland. 

"Perfectly well, " retorted the lady, "they are allied to the_Wrongheads_ of the province of Munster!"

This reproof, which was hailed with applause by Tom and Bob, dumb-foundered the Baronet, who became suddenly taciturn; but hishabitual good humour predominated, and conscious that he had broughton himself the inflicted castigation, he resolved on a cessation ofhostilities for the remainder of the evening. 

The invitation by Dashall having been without formal ceremony, andunhesitatingly accepted by Miss Macgilligan and her nephew, they now, inturn, claimed the like privilege of freedom, by soliciting the companyof the two Cousins to supper; a request which Tom and Bob cheerfullyacquiesced in; and the party immediately set out for the Baronet'slodgings, preferring to walk the short distance, that they might view, more leisurely, the accustomed illuminations on the anniversary of hisMajesty's birth-day. 

The variegated lamps were tastefully arranged; but this effusion ofloyalty was rather of an interested than interesting description, beingconfined wholly to the public-offices, the theatres, and the differenthouses of his Majesty's tradesmen; no other habitation in this immensemetropolis bearing any external indication of attachment, on the part ofits occupant, to the Sovereign of the British Empire!

"Here comes a set of jolly fellows, " exclaimed the Baronet, as the partyof friends turned into Bow-street from Covent-Garden, "who are at leastdetermined to honour the anniversary of St. George and their Sovereign, "the clang of marrow bones and cleavers resounding with harsh andstunning dissonance. 

"Rather, " said Dashall, "fellows determined to levy contributions on thepublic, caring as little for the actual George the King, as they do forthe fabulous George the Champion. "

 Now loud and yet louder the grating din grew, And near and more near still the butcher-gang drew; Rapacious, obstrep'rous, a turbulent set, And bent on annoyance of all whom they met. 

~~279~~~ It was in vain that our party attempted to avoid them bycrossing the street. The intention was quickly thwarted by theseself-licensed prowlers, who intercepting our associates in thecarriage-way, encircled them in such a manner, as to preclude thepossibility of extrication; and raised, at the same time, a discoidof sounds, compared with which the vocal minstrelsy of the long-earedbraying fraternity would have been the music of the spheres!

Sir Felix, in chastisement of their arrogance, would singly haveencountered the whole group, had he not been restrained by Tom and Bob, who rather than engage in a street brawl with a host of pertinaciousadversaries, chose to yield to circumstances, and purchase freedomat the expense of a trifling pecuniary consideration, with which thecollectors departed well satisfied. 

Our observers having thus obtained their liberty, renewed their walk, and reached the lodgings of the Baronet without farther interruption. 

During their perambulation, the following article was put into the handsof the Squire, with which we shall conclude our Chapter of Incidents;--

 THE KING AND THE LAUREAT. 

 A LOYAL BIRTH-DAY EFFUSION. 

 Hail! mighty Monarch of a mighty People!-- While tuneful peals resound from tower and steeple, And thundering cannons gratulations roar, Fright'ning old Father Thames from shore to shore;-- For King or etiquette while nobles caring, To Buckingham-house by hundreds are repairing, With gorgeous Dames, to whom this day a bliss is; Accompanied by smiling lovely misses Of eager appetite, who long to gorge And batten on the favours of King George; While London's Mayor and Aldermen set out In Civic state, to grace the royal rout; While strut the Guards in black straps and white gaiters In honour of their Patron and Creators;{1}-- While General Birnie musters all his forces Of foot Police, and spavin'd Police horses, To guard St. James's Park from innovation, And cheque the daringness of depredation;-- While for those partizans who mind their manners The cabinet ministers prepare grand dinners, And I, and others of my kindred trumpery, Dine with the vision'ry 'yclept Duke Humphrey:{2} I whom the Muses sometimes deign to greet, Though perch'd in "garret vile" in White-cross street, 1 In honour of their Patron and Creators. --The poet, we presume, means to draw a line of distinction between the Military and Civic community; the one being the work of God, the other the creation of man. 

 2 Duke Humphrey. --An ideal personage, with whom the un- fortunate wight is said to dine who has not got a dinner to eat. 

 _Sans_ viands, drink, or necessary clothing, Reckless of fate, and even existence loathing; Great King amidst each various passing matter On this auspicious day, I will not flatter; Not that I cannot; aye, as well as any Of heretofore or present lauréat Zany!-- But lack of payment, Sir, and lack of zeal; Could I your gracious bounty hope to feel, Invention then, on eagles wings should rise, And laud your nameless virtues to the skies!--

 But as it is, --all hail the King!-- With shouts let now the welkin ring, And hence all doubts and fears; May ages yet to come obey The Fourth King George's lenient sway, Even for a thousand years!{1}

 Methinks his portly form I see, Encircled at this grand Levee By courtly lords and ladies; Returning every bow with smiles, Where selfish adulation's wiles A profitable trade is. 

 But where, amid this grand display, Is Soutkey, on each natal day Who charm'd with Ode delicious? Why absent now the tuneful lore, Why sing not, as in days of yore, --

 Has Roy'lty grown capricious? Or barren is the courtly verse Of genuine subject, to rehearse The mighty monarch's fame; His public virtues, private worth, To chant in grateful measure forth, And o'er the world proclaim?

 Tush, man! a driveller then, thou art, Unequal to the merry part Thou undertook'st to play;-- The Birth-day comes but once a year, Then tune thy dulcet notes and clear, Again in annual lay. 

 1 When the combined fleets of England and Spain blockaded the port of Toulon, the Spanish Admiral terminated a dispatch to Lord Hood with the following notable wish, --May your Excellency live a THOUSAND YEARS!

 Thou, who wilt still persist to write In public apathy's despite, Can claim no just pretension On which to found a vague excuse;-- Then trust, in dearth of truth, the Muse Prolific in invention. 

 Hast thou no conscience left? alack! Hast thou forgot thy Pipe of Sack! And annual pounds two hundred?{1} That Hume hath not attack'd thy post, And caused it to give up the ghost, Is greatly to be wonder'd!

 But if the place must still be kept, Though long the princely themes have slept That erst the Muses lauded;-- Give it to me, ye gods! and then Shall Kings, above all other men, Be rapturously applauded!

 Content with half that Southey shares, I then would drown all worldly cares, Yet Sack I'd not require;-- Give me, in place of Falstaff's wine, A butt, --to wake the song divine, Of Hanbury's Entire! Now God preserve the comely face Of George the Fourth, and grant him grace For kindred soids to brag on!-- May future times his deeds proclaim, And may he even eclipse the fame Of--Saint George and the Dragon. '

 1 Formerly the allowance was a pipe of sack and one hundred pounds; but his present Majesty, taking into his gracious consideration the very difficult task which the Lauréat had to perform, increased his salary to 200L. Per annum!!

CHAPTER XXI

 "Of ups and downs we daily see Examples most surprising, The high and low of each degree, Now falling are, now rising. 

 Some up, some down, some in, some out, Home neither one nor t'other; Knaves--fools--Jews--Gentiles--join the rout, And jostle one another. 

 By ups and downs some folks they say Among grandees have got, Sir, Who were themselves but yesterday The Lord knows who, or what, Sir. 

 _Sans_ sense or pence, in merits chair, They dose and dream supine 0; But how the devil they came there, That neither you nor I know. "

~~282~~~The departure of Merrywell left our three friends at perfect liberty, and they were determined to enjoy it as much as possible duringSparkle's visit. The remainder of the evening was therefore devoted tothe retracing of past events, in which they had formerly been engagedtogether, in drinking success to Merrywell's journey, and in laying downsome plans for the proceedings of the next day. On the latter subject, however, there were as many opinions as there were persons. The Hon. Tom Dash all proposed going to the Review--Sparkle was for a journeyto Gravesend in the steam-boat, with the religious friends who were toaccompany Lord Gambier--and Tallyho proposed a visit to the Towerof London, in order to inspect its interior. It was therefore leftundecided till the morning, which proving extremely inviting, theydetermined to sally forth, and leave the direction of their coursewholly to chance, as they had many times done before. 

~~283~~~ Sparkle's relish for the sprees and sports of a London life, was evidently injured by his residence in the country; though at thesame time former scenes and former circumstances rushing occasionallyupon his sight and his recollection, appeared to afford himgratification and delight. 

"And how, " said Sparkle, addressing himself to Tallyho, "do you like thescene of ever varying novelty--has it lost any of its charms since I sawyou last?"

"By no means, " replied Tallyho; "for although many of them are grownfamiliar to me, and many are also calculated to excite painful feelings, I am not yet tired of the inquiry. I set out with the intention tocontemplate men and manners as they actually are, and I conceive auseful lesson for instruction and improvement may be afforded by it. "

"Right, " continued Sparkle, "real life is a most excellent school; andif in imbibing the instruction with which it is fraught, the judgment isnot misled, or the mind vitiated none can be more important to mankind. "

"Come, " said Tom, "I see you are getting into one of your moralizingstrains, such as you left us with. Now I am well aware that you have anexcellent acquaintance with the pursuits you are speaking of, and haveenjoyed them as much as myself; nor can I conceive that your temporaryabsence has wrought such a change in your opinion, as to make you whollydisregard the amusements they afford. So come along, no more preaching;"and thus saying, he seized him by one arm, while Tallyho closed uponthe other; and they proceeded on their way along Piccadilly towards theHaymarket. 

"Besides, " continued Dashall, "every day makes a difference in thismetropolis; so that even you who have proved yourself so able adelineator of men and things as they were, may still find many thingsdeserving of your observation as they are. "

"I do not doubt it, " was the reply; "and consequently expect, thathaving just arrived from rural felicity, you will direct my footstepsto the most novel scene of metropolitan splendour or extraordinarycharacter. "

~~284~~~ "Character is an abundant and everlasting supply of humour andeccentricity for an observant quiz like yourself, and being fly to mostoccurrences either in town or country, I shall rather confine myself tothe most remarkable circumstances that happen to strike my recollectionus we proceed. The first that occurs at this moment, is the opening of anew establishment in Regent-street, under the title of the Cafe Royale, to which, as we have not yet paid a visit, I propose now to direct yoursteps. "

"Cafe Royale" repeated Sparkle, "there is something Frenchified in thesound. I suppose it is quite in the tip top stile of elegance. "

"So says report. "

"Then _allons_, --but as we proceed, I beg to ask one question. If itbe considered important in a national point of view, that the superiorelegancies of our Parisian neighbours should be engrafted on our ownhabits, and that an establishment of this nature should be formed, witha view of its becoming the resort of rank and fashion, whether any goodreason can be given why such an establishment, in an English city forEnglishmen, should not have an English title?"

"A most extraordinary question for a fashionable man. "

"It may be so, " continued Sparkle; "but you must attribute it to mycountry habits of thinking: however, as I like argument better thanassertion, I see no reason to abandon my question. The adoption ofany thing foreign, is only rational in proportion as it is useful oragreeable; for foreign wines, foreign fruits, foreign made coffee, &c. No one can be a greater advocate than myself; but I apprehend that thesegood things may taste as well, whether the room in which they are takenbe called by a French or an English name. "

"That is a truth so self evident as to require no reply; and really Ican give no sort of reason for the adoption of a French title, unlessit be with a view to give it that air of novelty which invariably provesattractive to Johnny Bull; and I think I need not attempt to explain toyou the importance of a title. "

"However, " said Sparkle, "I cannot help thinking, that if the placealluded to is to become a permanent establishment, it would become anEnglishman to have an English name for it. We need not be ashamed of ourlanguage, although some folks disdain to use it, if they can findany substitute, however inapt. Why should it not be called the RoyalCoffee-house, the King's Coffee-house, the Patrician, the Universal, orin fact any thing, so that it be English?"

~~285~~~ "Because, " said Tallyho, "those titles are already engrossedby newspaper editors, coffee-shops of a lower order, magazines, &c. :for instance, we have the Royal Magazine, the Universal Magazine;and consequently these are all grown common, and any thing common isextremely vulgar. "

"Besides, " continued Dashall, "_Cafe Royale_ is a mouthful, withoutattacking its contents; and the very sound of it seems to impart ataste, before you approach it, of what may be obtained in the interior. Zounds! this country life of your's seems to have altered your opinions, and almost obliterated your former education: I never had any relish forit. "

"In town let me live, and in town let me die, For in truth 1 can'trelish the country, not I: If one must have a villa in summer to dwell, Oh give me the sweet shady side of Pall Mall. "

By this time they had reached the Cafe Royale, and upon entrance wereushered by a man in blue livery, with gold laced trimmings, into anapartment far exceeding in splendour any thing that their previousconversation had led them to expect. The walls, formed of looking glassand rich tapestry, and ornamented in a fanciful manner, reflected theirpersons as they passed along at every point; while the choicest flowersand shrubs, with which they were surrounded, sent forth a delightfulfragrance, and gave some distant idea of Eastern luxuries. 

"Here, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "is elegance at least; and ifthe accommodations are found to be equally good, it can be of littleconsequence to us whether the place itself have an English or a foreignname. "

"I confess, " replied Sparkle, "that I still conceive, that as a placeof resort appropriated to the upper ranks of natives and foreigners, magnificent in its decorations, superior in its accommodations, andconducted with skill and liberality, to become truly national anddeserving of support, it should be honoured with an English title. "

"And that it certainly is, " continued Dashall, "not only one but many, for nobility is frequently to be found within its walls; nay, a proof ofit appears at this moment, for there is Lord P------ and Lord C------ nowentering; but come, let us try the coffee, catch a view of the papers, and proceed. "

~~286~~~ They had now seated themselves near an elderly gentleman, whoseemed to be in deep contemplation, occasionally rubbing his hands withapparent gratification, and shaking his head with importance, while heglanced over a newspaper which lay before him. 

"I should judge, " said Tallyho, "he is a member of parliament, probably conning over the report of his last night's speech in theHouse. "

"Or probably, " said Dashall, "an author in search of ideas for hisnext publication, wherein he intends to cut up the ministers and theirmeasures. "

"Yes, " continued Sparkle, "or a quack doctor, examining if the editorhas given insertion to his new flaming advertisement, wherein hepromises to perform what is utterly impossible to be accomplished. "

"I wonder if he can speak, " said Tom, laying clown the paper; "I'll tryhim. --A fine morning, Sir. "

As this was directed immediately to meet the old gentleman's ear, helooked up for the first time since they had entered. 

"Beautiful, Sir, " was the reply--and here the conversation ceased again. 

"Excellent coffee, " said Sparkle, --"is there any news to-day, Sir?"endeavouring to rouse him again. 

"There is always news, Sir, " was the reply, taking a plentiful supply ofsnuff. 

"Of one sort or other, " continued Bon. 

"Why yes, have we not every day a quantity of newspapers that make theirappearance with the sun?"

"Truly, " replied Sparkle; "but you could hardly misunderstand me--Ialluded to something out of the common run of events; such, forinstance, as relates to the interests of the nation, the agriculturaldistress, the distress of the Irish, the state of the Americanindependents, the proceedings of the Spanish cortes, and the Frenchchamber; the movements of the Greeks, the operations of Turkey andRussia, or the--or--"

"Why, Sir, your inquiries are very rational; and as I perceive you havea desire for intelligence, and I have at all times a desire to impartsuch as I am in possession of for the benefit of others, the newspapershave abundance of information; but I must say the editors, though men ofeducation and intelligence, are not always well informed: besides, Sir, there is no reliance on their assertions; many valuable and importantsecrets are in the hands of individuals, which never find their way intothe public journals. "

~~288~~~ Having proceeded thus far, our three friends were allanxiety to continue what now assumed the appearance of an interestingconversation. 

"The nation is gull'd by misrepresentation, from the high to the low onesystem is acted upon; but I have a document in my pocket which came intomy possession in rather an extraordinary manner, and is as extraordinaryin its contents; it was thrust into my hand on my way here by astranger, who instantly disappeared. "

"A curious salute, " observed Tom; "probably some state paper, someinformation on foreign affairs, or a petition to be presented to theHouse. "

"The fact is, Sir, as I had no conversation with the stranger, I wasignorant of the importance of the document; but upon opening it, judgeof my astonishment, when I found it concerned a Prince well known to theBritish nation, whose interests depend on its support. "

"O ho, " said Sparkle, "then perhaps it is of a delicate nature, and moreattaching to private circumstances than public affairs. "

"You shall hear, Sir. --It was an appeal to myself, amongst others, inwhich Russia was stated to be in such connection with Greece, thatthe heads of this kingdom could not but be conscious of the importantresults; results, Sir, that were enough to make one's hair stand on end;indeed, I have never been able to dismiss the subject from my mind sinceI first cast my eye over the information. "

"Zounds, then, " cried Dashall, "there is much to be apprehended. "

"It is impossible for me, " continued the old gentleman, "to say howfar the distinguished person to whom I have alluded has already, ormay hereafter succeed in the objects he has in view; but this I thinkcertain, that if he can but interest the Poles on his side, his affairsmust thrive. "

The Hon. Tom Dashall by this time was puzzled with the lengthenedintroduction this gentleman was giving; he sipped his coffee--lookedgrave--smiled, took up the paper--pretended to read--then laid it downagain. 

~~288~~~ Sparkle looked wise, and betrayed his anxiety by moving closerto the communicant. Tallyho fixed his eyes on the old gentleman, with anapparent desire to count the words he uttered. 

"In the meantime, " continued the interesting stranger, "he is soindefatigable in diffusing through all ranks of society, by means of thepress and private agents, a knowledge of the power he has of smoothingthe way to success, that the crown ought to receive his proffered aidfor its own benefit. "

"Then, " said Sparkle, "it really is a document of public importance: ifnot too great a favour, might we be allowed a sight of the------"

"The document, --Oh certainly, Sir, " said he, hastily rising and drawinga printed paper from his pocket; "I will leave it with you:" thenthrowing it on the table, he made a precipitate retreat. 

The little care which the old gentleman seemed to take of this scrap ofimportance, struck them all with wonder. 

"A rum old codger, " said Tom; "and I recommend his observations, as wellas the produce of his pocket, to the serious consideration of our friendSparkle, who will perhaps read this paper for the benefit of us all. "

Sparkle, who by this time had unfolded this mysterious paper, burst intoa hearty laugh; and as soon as he could command his risibility, he readas follows:

"PRINCE'S RUSSIA OIL, For promoting the growth of Hair. "

"And Sparkle introduced to Greece, " said Tom. --"Well, the old buck haspaid you off for your interruption: however, he has certainly proved hisown assertion, that there is no reliance on any body. "

"A mountain in labour, " continued Tom, --"I think he had you in a line, however. "

"I cannot help thinking, " replied Sparkle, "that there is a greatsimilarity between him and some of our most popular parliamentaryorators, for he has said a great deal to little purpose; but come, letus move on, and lose no more time in the French coffee house, discussingthe merits or virtues of Russia oil. "

~~289~~~ This proposition being acceded to, our friends now took theirway along Pall Mall, where the improvements recently made struck Sparklewith pleasure and delight; the appearance of new and elegant housesoccupying the situation of buildings of a shabby and mean exterior, and the introduction of new streets, were subjects of considerableadmiration. 

"The rapidity of alterations in London, " said Sparkle, "are almostinconceivable. "

"That remark, " replied Tom, "only arises from your late absence from thescene of action; for to us who frequently see their progress, there isbut little to excite wonder. Now for my part I am more astonishedin present times, when so many complaints are made of distress, thatoccupiers can be found for them, and also seeing the increase ofbuildings at every part of the environs of London, where tenants can befound to occupy them. "

"I confess, " said Tallyho, "that is a subject which I have often thoughtupon without being able to come to any reasonable conclusion; it appearsto me to prove a great increase of population, for although I am awareof the continued influx of new comers from the country, the towns andvillages appear as full as ever. "

"I am not able to solve the mystery to my own satisfaction, " repliedSparkle, "in either case, though I cannot help acknowledging the factsalluded to. It however seems in this place to prove the correctness ofthe Poet's lines, who says, "Wherever round this restless world we range, Nothing seems constant saving constant change. Like some magician waving mystic wand, Improvement metamorphoses the land, Grubs up, pulls down, then plants and builds anew, Till scenes once loved are banished from our view. The draughtsman with officious eye surveys What capabilities a site displays: How things may be made better for the worse, And much improve--at least the schemer's purse. "

Continuing their course along Parliament-street, they soon arrived atWestminster-bridge, when the day proving extremely fine, it was proposedto embrace the opportunity of making an excursion by water. The tideserved for London Bridge, and without further ceremony, Tom, Bob, andSparkle jumped into a wherry, and were quickly gliding along upon thebosom of Old Father Thames. The smiling appearance of the day, and thesmooth unruffled surface of the water, excited the most cheerful andenlivening feelings of the mind. 

~~290~~~ "Nice weather for the rowing match, " said a bluff lookingsturdy built waterman, who had doffed his coat, waistcoat, and cravat, in order to facilitate him in performing his duty. 

"Rowing match, " inquired Tom. "When does it take place?"

"Why this afternoon at four o'clock, your Honour. Vauxhall will be veryfull to-night, --Them ere people what's got it now are a getting plentyof company, and they will have a bumper to-night, for the gentlemen whatbelongs to the funny club gives a funny to be rowed for. "

"That's funny enough, " exclaimed Sparkle. 

"And convenient too, " said Tom; "for as we have no engagement for theevening, we can mingle with the lads on their water frolic. "

"With all my heart, " said Bob; "and as I am given to understand Vauxhallis greatly improved, it will make an admirable wind up of the day. "

Approaching Waterloo Bridge--"What have we here, " exclaimed Tallyho. 

"That, " said Tom, "is a floating fire engine, for the protection ofshipping, and sometimes very useful in cases of fire on the banks of theriver. "

"An excellent idea, " continued Bob, "because they can never be in wantof water. "

"Will you sit a little more this way, Sir, if you please? we shall trimbetter. "

Bob rose hastily upon this intimation; and had not his Cousin caught himby the coat, would have trimmed himself into the watery element. 

"Zounds, man, you had nearly upset us all. You must trim the boat, andsit steady, or we shall all go to Davey's locker. You must not attemptto dance in such a vehicle as this. "

Bob's confusion at this circumstance created laughter to his twofriends, which however he could not exactly enjoy with the same relish;nor did he perfectly recover himself till they were safely landed atTower Stairs. 

"Now, " said Tom, "I propose a peep at the interior of this place, a rowdown to Greenwich to dinner, and then a touch at the rowing match; whatsay you--agreed on all hands. "

~~291~~~ "Then, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "wait for us here old boy, and you shall be our conveyancer. "

"I don't know nothing of you, gentlemen; and you understand me, I'mnot a going to be done--I'm too old a hand to be catch'd in that therefashion; but if so be you engages me for the day, you can take thenumber of my boat--but then you must tip. "

"Right, " said Sparkle, "who knows whether we shall escape the Lions, andthen how is old rough and tough to get paid. "

"You'll excuse me, gentlemen, I don't mean no affront upon my soul; butI have stood the nonsense before now, and been flung--but I von'tbe sarved out in that there way any more. I am up to the gossip, andexpects you'll come down with the rag. "

"Certainly, " said Tom Dashall with a smile; "I am aware of the hint, which by the way is pretty broadly conveyed, therefore be satisfied;"and giving him a sovereign, they proceeded into the Tower. 

The entrance to the Tower from the wharf is by a drawbridge, near towhich is a cut connecting the river with the ditch, having a water gate, called Traitor's Gate; state prisoners having been formerly conveyed bythis passage from the Tower to Westminster for trial; and over this gateis the water-works which supply the fortress. 

Having passed the drawbridge, Bob looked around him, almost conceivinghimself in a new world; he saw houses and streets, of which he hadformed no conception. 

"Zounds, " said he, "this Tower seems almost to contain a City. "

"Yes, " replied Dashall, "it occupies some ground. Its extent within thewalls is twelve acres and five roods. The exterior circuit of the ditch, which entirely surrounds it, is 3156 feet. The principal buildings arethe Church, the White Tower, the Ordnance Office, the Record Office, the Jewel Office, the Horse Armoury, the Grand Store House, thesmall Armoury, the houses belonging to the Officers, barracks for theGarrison, and two Suttling Houses for the accommodation of the militaryand the inhabitants. "

~~292~~~ The White Tower, as it is called, is a large square building inthe centre of the fortress; on the top of which are four watch towers, one being at present used as an observatory. Neither the sides of thisbuilding, nor the small towers, are uniform. The walls are whitewashed:near to it is the grand storehouse, a plain building of brick and stone, 345 feet long, and 60 feet broad. 

Being conducted to the Spanish{1} armory, Tallyho was much gratifiedwith a view of its contents--trophies of the famous victory of QueenElizabeth over the Spanish armada, among which the most remarkable werethe thumb screws, intended to be used in order to extort confessionfrom the English, where their money was hidden. The axe with whichthe unfortunate Anne Bullen was beheaded by order of Henry VIII. ;a representation of Queen Elizabeth in armour, standing by acream-coloured horse, attended by a page, also attracted his attention;her majesty being dressed in the armour she wore at the time sheaddressed her brave army at Tilbury, in 1588, with a white silkpetticoat, richly ornamented with pearls and spangles. In the SmallArmory, which is one of the finest rooms in Europe, containing completestands of arms for 100, 000 men, they could not but admire the beautifuland elegant manner in which the arms were disposed, forming tastefuldevices in a variety of figures: a piece of ordnance from Egypt, and theHighland broadsword, also claimed particular notice. 

 1 The Spanish Armory, Small Armory, Train of Artillery, and Horse Armory, may be seen at the price of 2s. Each person, with a compliment per company to the Warder. 

The Volunteer Armory, containing arms piled in beautiful order for30, 000 men, with pikes, swords, &c. In immense numbers, presentedto them a fine figure of Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, in brightarmour, bearing the very lance he actually used in his lifetime, whichis no less than 18 feet long. The Sea Armory, containing arms for nearly50, 000 seamen and marines, and the Royal Artillery, which is partly kepton the ground floor under the Small Armory, next underwent inspection. Here they could not help admiring the room, which is 380 feet long, 50 feet wide, and 24 feet high, and the many peculiarly fine pieces ofcannon which it contained. The artillery is ranged on each side, leavinga passage in the centre of ten feet in breadth. Twenty pillars inthis room support the Small Armory above, which are hung round withimplements of war, and trophies taken from the enemy, producingaltogether a grand and imposing effect. 

~~293~~~ The Horse Armory--a noble room, crowded withcuriosities--proved a source of high gratification. Here they foundthemselves in company with all the kings of England, from William theConqueror to George III. ; the whole on horseback, and in armour. Thearmour of John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster, seven feet high, and thesword and lance of proportionable size, were viewed as objects ofwonder. 

In the Jewel Office, {1} containing the regalia of state, was the nextobject to which they directed their attention. Here they were shewn theImperial Crown, with which the Kings of England are crowned: it ismade of gold, enriched with diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphires, and pearls. The cap is of purple velvet, lined with white taffety, andturned up with three rows of ermine. This crown is never used but atcoronations; the golden globe, which is placed in the King's right handbefore he is crowned; the golden sceptre and its cross, upon alarge amethyst, decorated with table diamonds; the sceptre, which isconsidered to be far the most ancient in the collection, and probably apart of the original regalia, is covered with jewels and gothic enamelwork, surmounted with an onyx dove, was found by the present keeperin the year 1814, and is estimated at a very high value. St. Edward'sstaff, made of beaten gold, and which is borne before the King in thecoronation procession, is 4 feet 7 inches and a half in length, and 3inches and 3 quarters round. The golden saltseller, the sword of mercywithout a point, the grand silver font, used for christenings of theroyal family, and the crown of state worn by the King at his meetingof the Parliament, and other state occasions, were viewed in successionwith admiration and delight. The latter is of great splendour and value;it is covered with precious stones of a large size, and on the top ofits cross is a pearl, which Charles I. Pledged for eighteen thousandpounds to the Dutch Republic: under the cross is an emerald diamond, of a palish green colour, valued at one hundred thousand pounds, beingseven inches and

 1 The Jewel Office is shewn for 1s. Each person in company; a single person pays 1s. 6d. : it may be seen separately, but not without a Warder. 

a half in circumference; in the front is a rock ruby in its purelynatural state, unpolished, three inches in length, the value of whichcannot be estimated. Several other curiosities of state regalia--such asthe golden eagle, the golden spur, the crown of Queen Mary, the crossof King William, and the diadem worn by the Queens Anne and Mary, werenumbered among the valuable jewels contained in this office, togetherwith abundance of curious old plate, the value of which, independentof several of the jewels, which are inestimable, is not less than twomillions sterling. 

~~294~~~ "Now, " said Dashall, as they left the Jewel Office, "we havetaken a view of the inanimates, we must not leave the spot withouta peep at the lions;{l} for though I believe there is nothing veryextraordinary in the collection, more than may be seen at the menagerieat Exeter Change, it would be an unpardonable omission not to see thelions in the Tower. "

 1 The wild beasts, &c. Are shewn at 1s. Each. 

For this purpose they proceeded to the western entrance, where they werequickly introduced by the keeper to the various animals under his care, and who, in going round with them, explained, as usual, their severalhistories. 

In examining these various curiosities, time had imperceptibly stolen amarch upon them, and their original plan of proceeding to Greenwich wasfound to be impracticable; besides which, upon reaching the stairs wherethey had landed, the bluff old waterman was not to be found. 

"Zounds, " said Dashall, "this looks like a do. I wonder what's become ofthe old blade. "

Sparkle began to laugh, and Bob bit his lip. Tom made inquiry of a boyat the stairs, who informed him that Barney was gone to the suttlinghouse to smoak a pipe. 

"All right, " said Tom, "then we will soon rouse him, and start. "

Upon this they moved back again into the Tower, and according to thedirections they had received, they found Barney in the tap-room, puffing away care, and singing with Stentorian voice to the surroundingcompany--

 "From Irongate to Limehouse Hole, You will not meet a kinder soul, While the Thames is flowing, Pull away ho--Pull away ho. "

~~295~~~ In search of real life and character, and at all times ratherinclined to promote mirth than spoil sport, our friends immediatelyentered unperceived by Barney, and taking an opposite corner of theroom, were quickly attended by the landlord, who received orders, andproduced them supplies. 

The song being over, and Barney rewarded for his exertions by the mostenthusiastic applause of the room, he renewed his pipe, at the sametime declaring to a soldier who sat near him, he thought "he had miss'dfire, for he was d------d if he didn't think he'd lost his company, or his company had lost him--but that he had taken care to nibble theblunt, and upon that there score all was right--so landlord tip usanother quart, and if they don't make their appearance by the timeI've got through that, I'll tip them the toddle, shove off my boat, anddisappear. --That's the time of day, an't it, boy. "

"Why aye, to be sure, " replied the soldier, "you watermen leads a happylife; you are your own masters, you does just as you pleases, while asoldier dare as well be d------d as desert his post. But I say, Barney, mind what

you says, --nose--nose;" accompanying the last two words with asignificant action of placing his finger on his nose, and winking hiseye. 

Upon this intimation, which appeared to be well understood by Barney, he puffed off an immoderate cloud of smoke, and looking round the room, perceived his customers in the corner. 

"Be quiet, " said he, "that's my fare--so it's all right again, --Do youwant me, gentlemen; I am always ready, so that whenever you says theword, Barney's your boy. "

"Presently, " said Dashall, "for it would be hard to make you start upona full jorum. "

"Why I must say, " continued Barney, "I never likes to leave a foamingquart behind me;" and catching hold of the pot of _heavy wet_, he roaredout, --

"What a hearty blade am I, Care can never touch my heart; Every trouble I defy, While I view the foaming quart. "

and taking a hearty drink, he handed it to his companion, filledhis pipe afresh, lighted, and informed the gentlemen he was at theirservice; when in a few minutes all being ready, they were quickly onboard. 

~~296~~~ "I don't like the looks of the weather, my masters, why weshall have a shower presently, where will you go to?"

"To Vauxhall, " was the reply. 

"Very well, your Honour, then here goes; but if you don't get a sousing, my name an't Barney. "

This prognostication proved true, for before they reached BlackfriarsBridge, a smart shower came on, which nearly wetted them through beforethey could reach land. When this was accomplished, they proceeded to theHorn Tavern, Doctors Commons, where they partook of an excellent repast, and the weather clearing up, they again joined Barney. 

By this time the promising fineness of the evening had induced manyto venture forth to the rowing match, and the river was all gaiety anddelight. Boats of every description were seen filled with well dressedpersons, both male and female: the smiling countenances of the lads andlasses were in unison with the laughing sun, that darted his brilliantbeams upon the dimpled wave, which seemed to leap in return withgrateful animation. The shores were lined with spectators, anxiouslywaiting the moment for the commencement of this trial of skill. Ourfriends were highly delighted with the prospect before them, and at theappointed time, having rested on their oars near the place of starting, they saw with pleasure the active preparations on the part of thecompetitors, and upon the signal being given for the start, the riverappeared to consist of nothing but moving conveyances of happy faces, all guided in one direction. The 'shouts of the various friends of theoccasionally successful candidates for the honour of victory, and theskill and dexterity with which they manoeuvred against each other, weresubjects of continued admiration; while bands of music were heard fromboats that intermingled with the throng. The lads of the Funny Club werein high glee--numerous cutters and sailing boats, with their owners andvisiting friends, were also in the throng. Barney pulled away likea good one, and for a considerable distance kept nearly up with theprincipal actors in this gay and animated scene of aquatic diversion, and arrived off Cumberland gardens just in time to have an excellentview of the winner coming in at the appointed spot, in prime style, amidst the loud and reiterated plaudits of his friends. 

~~297~~~ The intention of visiting Vauxhall Gardens was, however, forthe present evening relinquished; and our party, feeling fatigued bytheir excursion, repaired homeward, where for the present we shall leavethem to their quiet and repose. 

CHAPTER XXII

 "I hate that drum's discordant sound, Still rolling round and round and round, "

--298~~~ Exclaimed Dashall, as he advanced from the breakfast tabletowards the window, when a pleasing and singular street-exhibitionpresented itself, which had attracted around a numerous audience, of allages and conditions. 

An itinerant purveyor of novelties was in the act of showing forth to anadmiring crowd, the docility of a tame hare. On a table in the street, on which was placed a drum, the little animal stood, in an erectposture, and with surprising tractableness obeyed the commands of itsexhibiter, delivered in very broken English, with which, nevertheless, it seemed perfectly conversant. 

"Vat mattiere now, dat you be so solky, and no take notice of your gootfriends?--Come, Sare, shew your politesse, and salute de genteelmensat de window, who so kind as come to look at you. --Make way dere, gootpeoples and leetel childer, dat de genteelmens sail see, --dat vill do. Now, sare, begin;--do your beisance all round. "

The animal, without any apparent instruction to whom to give theprecedency of obeisance, immediately faced "de genteelmens at dewindow, " and saluted them with a conge of particular respect; whichbeing acknowledged with a motion of the hand by Dashall, the intelligentanimal expressed its sense of his complacency, by a second obeisance, more profound than the first. 

The spectators applauded, and the performer testified its gratitude by abow, all round. 

"Dat all goot. Now, sare, tree role on de drom for _le Roid'Angletterre:--Vive le Roi d'Anglettere!_"

This command the animal very promptly obeyed, by substituting its forefeet for sticks, and giving three prolonged rolls of the drum, each indistinct succession. 

"Now den for Messieurs. "

~~299~~~ With equal alacrity this hint was attended to, and as _le Roid'Angletterre_ had three, so de genteelmens at de window were honouredwith two rolls of the drum. 

The like compliment was paid to all de Englise peoples; and the minorsalute of one roll was given to the surrounding spectators. 

The indefatigable drummer was next required to give a token of regardfor the Cook; but this he declined to do, and the order, thoughfrequently given, was as frequently uncomplied with. 

"Vill you take notice of me, den?"

This question was instantly answered by the accustomed mark of respect. 

"Genteelmans at de window, and peoples on de street, my leetel drommerno love de cook, --no show her de respect dat he show you--he know dat decook be no friend of de pauvre hare; "--then turning towards the animal, --"Vat, " said he, "must I speak all de tanks mineself?"

In deficiency of speech, the animal reiterated its obeisances--"Diable!" exclaimed the exhibiter--"here comes de cook, to kill and spityou!"

The hare instantly hastened to its hiding place, and thus terminated theexhibition. 

"This epitome of the world, " observed Tallyho, "lacks nothing to gratifyevery sense of man! Here industry is on the alert to accumulate wealth, and dissipation in haste to spend it. Here riot and licentiousnessroll triumphantly in gilded state, while merit pines in penury andobscurity;--and here ingenuity roams the streets for a scanty andprecarious subsistence, exhibiting learned pigs, dogs, and soforth, that will cast accounts with the precision of an experiencedarithmetician; and a tame hare that will beat a drum, and make a bowmore gracefully than a dancing-master. This last instance of humaningeniousness, by which the poor Frenchman picks up a living, wouldalmost induce a belief that the power of art is unlimitable, and thatapparently insurmountable difficulties may be overcome by diligentperseverance!--Who, besides this foreigner, would have thought ofdivesting a hare of its natural timidity, and rendering it subservient, by a display of intelligence, to the acquirement of his subsistence?"

~~300~~~ "And who, " said Dashall, "would have thought, but a German, oftraining canary-birds to imitate military evolution, --make a prisonerof one of their fellows as a deserter, --try and condemn him todeath, --apparently execute the sentence, by shooting him with a smallgun, --and finally, bear away the motionless and seemingly lifeless bodyon a wheel-barrow, for interment!--Nay, who would think of inverting theorder of nature, by creating and cementing a union of friendship betweencats and birds and mice, associating them together, within the confinesof a cage, in the utmost harmony of social intercourse?--And who shallpresume to set bounds to the human art, that from a deal board hasconstructed the figure of a man that will beat at the difficult game ofchess, the first players in Europe;{1} and created a wooden musician, that in a solo from the trumpet, will excel the best living performers onthat instrument!"

 1 It appears by the following letter from Presburg, in Hungary, that this wonderful automaton was originally invented and exhibited there:--

 "During my stay in this city, I have been so happy as to form an acquaintance with M. De Kempett, an Aulic Counsellor and Director General of the salt mines in Hungary. It seems impossible to attain to a more perfect knowledge of Mechanics, than this gentleman hath done. At least no artist has yet been able to produce a machine, so wonderful in its kind, as what he constructed about a year ago. M. De Kempett, excited by the accounts he received of the extraordinary performances of the celebrated M. De Vaucanson, and of some other men of genius in Prance and England, at first aimed at nothing more, than to imitate those artists. But he has done more, he has excelled them. He has constructed an Automaton, which can play at chess with the most skilful players. This machine represents a man of the natural size, dressed like a Turk, sitting before the table which holds the chess-board. This table (which is about three feet and a half long, and about two feet and a half broad) is supported by four feet that roll on castors, in order the more easily to change its situation; which the inventor fails not to do from time to time, in order to take away all suspicion of any communication. Both the table and the figure are full of wheels, springs, and levers. M. De Kempett makes no difficulty of shewing the inside of the machine, especially when he finds any one suspects a boy to be in it. I have examined with attention all the parts both of the table and figure, and I am well assured there is not the least ground for such an imputation. I have played a game at chess with the Automaton myself. I have particularly remarked, with great astonishment, the precision with which it made the various and complicated movements of the arm, with which it plays. It raises the arm, it advances it towards that part of the chess-board, on which the piece stands, which ought to be moved; and then by a movement of the wrist, it brings the hand down upon the piece, opens the hand, closes it upon the piece in order to grasp it, lifts it up, and places it upon the square it is to be removed to; this done, it lays its arm down upon a cushion which is placed on the chess-board. If it ought to take one of its adversary's pieces, then by one entire movement, it removes that piece quite off the chess-board, and by a series of such movements as 1 have been describing, it returns to take up its own piece, and place it in the square, which the other had left vacant. I attempted to practise a small deception, by giving the Queen the move of a Knight; but my mechanic opponent was not to be so imposed on; he took up my Queen and replaced her in the square she had been removed from. All this is done with the same readiness that a common player shews at this game, and I have often engaged with persons, who played neither so expeditiously, nor so skilfully as this Automaton, who yet would have been extremely affronted, if one had compared them to him. You will perhaps expect me to propose some conjectures, as to the means employed to direct this machine in its movements. I wish I could form any that were reasonable and well-founded; but notwithstanding the minute attention with which I have repeatedly observed it, I have not been able in the least degree to form any hypothesis which could satisfy myself. The English ambassador, Prince Guistiniani, and several English Lords, for whom the inventor had the complaisance to make the figure play, stood round the table while I played the game. They all had their eyes on M. De Kempett, who stood by the table, or sometimes removed five or six feet from it, yet not one of them could discover the least motion in him, that could influence the Automaton. They who had seen the effects produced by the loadstone in the curious exhibitions on the Boulevards at Paris, cried out, that the loadstone must have been the means here employed to direct the arm. But, besides that there are many objections to this supposition, M. De Kempett, with whom I have had long conversations since on this subject, offers to let any one bring as close as he pleases to the table the strongest and best-armed magnet that can be found, or any weight of iron whatever, without the least fear that the movements of his machine will be affected or disturbed by it. He also withdraws to any distance you please, and lets the figure play four or five moves successively without approaching it. It is unnecessary to remark, that the marvellous in this Automaton consists chiefly in this, that it has not (as in others, the most celebrated machines of this sort) one determined series of movements, but that it always moves in consequence of the manner in which its opponent moves; which produces an amazing multitude of different combinations in its movements. M. De Kempett winds up from time to time the springs of the arm of this Automaton, in order to renew its MOVING FORCE, but this, you will observe, has no relation to its guiding FORCE or power of direction, which makes the great merit of this machine. In general I am of opinion, that the contriver influences the direction of almost every stroke played by the Automaton, although, as I have said, I have sometimes seen him leave it to itself for many moves together; which, in my opinion, is the most-difficult circumstance of all to comprehend in what regards this machine. M. De Kempett has the more merit in this invention, as he complains that his designs have not always been seconded by workmen so skilful as was requisite to the exact precision of a work of this nature; and he hopes he shall, ere long, produce to the world performances still more surprising than this. Indeed one may expect every thing from his knowledge and skill, which are exceedingly enhanced by his uncommon modesty. Never did genius triumph with less ostentation. "

~~302~~~ "London is a rare place for sights, --always somethingnew;--where the spirits need never flag through want of amusement. Letme recapitulate, --there is the automaton chess-player and the automatontrumpeter, --the family compact, alias amicable society of cat, birds, and mice, --the military canaries, and an hundred phenomena besides, ofwhich we shall make the round in due time. In the meanwhile, let usset out, like the knight of La Mancha, in search of adventures, withoutrunning the risk of mistaking windmills for giants: one of the formerwould, indeed, be a high treat to the insatiable curiosity of theinhabitants of this metropolis; and as to giants, there are none onshew since Bartholomew-fair, excepting those stationary gentlemen, thetwin-brothers, Gog and Magog, in Guildhall. "

Passing through the town without meeting with any new object worthyof particular notice, they found themselves at the extremity ofThreadneedle-street, when Dashall, pointing to a neat plain building, "this, " said he, "is the South Sea House. The South Sea Company wasestablished for the purpose of an exclusive trade to the South Seas, and many thousands were ruined by the speculation: the iniquity anddeception were at last discovered, and those who were at the headwere punished. The eager hope of wealth frequently engendersdisappointment, --but here credulity attained her zenith;--amongst otherschemes, equally practicable, the projectors of this notorious bubbleset up a method of making butter from beech-trees; a plan to learnpeople to cast their nativity; an insurance against divorces; and a wayof making deal boards out of saw-dust!"

"And is it possible, " inquired Tallyho, "that such most preposteroustheories obtained belief?"

"Even so, " answered Dashall, --"What is there in which human follywill not believe?--We have all read of the bottle-conjurer. {1}--Theprevalence of curiosity is universal. I could safely stake any money, that if public notice was given of a person who would leap down his ownthroat, he would gain belief, and a full audience would favour him withtheir company to witness his marvellous performance. "

 1 This speculator by wholesale in English credulity, advertised, "that he would, in the Haymarket theatre, literally and _bona fide_ creep into a quart bottle; and further, would, when inside such quart bottle, entertain the audience with a solo on the violin!"

 Long before the appointed hour of performance, the house was crammed at all points, and thousands were sent from the doors for want of room. The most eager curiosity prevailed as the time drew near for the commencement of these extraordinary feats, and the clamour for the appearance of the performer was incessant and vociferous. At last he came forward upon the stage, and all was breathless attention. "Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to say that I cannot, to- night, find a bottle large enough for the purpose intended; but to-morrow I faithfully engage to go into a pint bottle, in atonement of the present disappointment!" He then retired. The shock was electrical, --a dead silence prevailed for a moment;--the delusion vanished, and "confusion worse confounded" ensued; the interior of the house was nearly demolished. His It. H. The D. Of C. Was present, and lost a gold-hilted sword. During "the wreck of matter and the crush of worlds, " the speculator made off with his booty. 

~~303~~~ Proceeding into Bishopsgate-street, the new City of LondonTavern caught the attention of Tallyho. 

"This, " observed his friend, "is probably the first tavern in London, with reference to superior accommodation. Here congregate the mosteminent corporate bodies, directors of public institutions and others, on occasions of business or enjoyment; here the admirable arrangementof every thing conducive to comfort is minutely attended to; here theplenitude of abundance, and the delicacies of luxury, distinguish thefestive board, and the culinary art is shown forth to the very acme ofperfection; which, together with the varied, unsophisticated excellenceof the richest wines, secure to this celebrated tavern the continuanceof a well-merited public approbation. But one of these days we shallavail ourselves of practical experience, by forming part of the companyat dinner. "

Proposing in their way home to take the skirts of the metropolis, theydirected their course through Moorfield, where Tallyho remarked on theunseemly desolate waste there presenting itself, and expressed surprisethat it was not appropriated to some purposes of utility or ornament. 

~~304~~~ "It appears, " answered Dashall, "as if some such improvementwas in projection; probably a new square, if we may so opine frompresent indications; however, be the intention what it may, theexecution is uncommonly tardy; with the exception of the centraliron-railing, the handsome structure on the opposite side, the solitarybuilding on the right, and range of new houses on the left, the toutensemble was the same twenty years ago. It is a scene of dilapidationwhich might perhaps have been

"More honoured in the breach than in th' observance. "

I recollect, that when a boy, I frequently extended my rambles intothe quarters of Moorfields, for so was this place then named, from itscompartments, exhibiting rural appearance even in the centre of London. Here were four enclosed fields, displaying in the season the beautifulverdure of nature; and numerous trees branching, in ample shade, overtwo great walks, that intersected each other at right angles, and formedthe afternoon promenade of the citizens' wives and daughters. In formertimes, the quarters of Moorfields were resorted to by holiday visitants, as the favourite place of rendezvous, where predominated the recreationof manly exercises, and shows, gambols, and merriment were the orders ofthe day. The present is an age of improvement, --and yet I cannot think, in an already monstrously overgrown metropolis, the substitution ofbricks and mortar an equivalent for green fields and rural simplicity. "

Leaving Moorfields, they passed, in a few minutes, into Finsbury-square. 

Tallyho appeared surprised by its uniformly handsome edifices, itsspacious extent, and beautiful circular area, in which the ground islaid out and the shrubberies disposed to the very best advantage. "Here, at least, " he observed, "is a proof that Taste and Elegance are notaltogether excluded a civic residence. "

"In this square, taking its name from the division of Finsbury, " saidDashall, "reside many of the merchants and other eminent citizens ofLondon; and here, in the decorations, internally, of their respectivemansions, they vie with the more courtly residents westward, and exceedthem generally in the quietude of domestic enjoyment. "

~~305~~~ Renewing their walk along the City Road, the gate of BunhillFields burying-ground standing conveniently open, "Let us step in, " saidDashall, --"this is the most extensive depository of the dead in London, and as every grave almost is surmounted by a tombstone, we cannot failin acquiring an impressive _memento mori_. "

While examining a monumental record, of which there appeared a countlessnumber, their attention was withdrawn from the dead, and attracted bythe living. An elderly personage, arrayed in a rusty suit of sables, with an ink bottle dangling from one of the buttons of his coat, wasintently employed in copying a long, yet well written inscription, tothe memory of Patrick Colquhon, L. L. D. , author of a Treatise on thePolice of the Metropolis, and several other works of great publicutility. Having accomplished his object, the stranger salutedDashall and Tallyho in a manner so courteous as seemingly to inviteconversation. 

"You have chosen, Sir, " observed Mr. Dashall, "rather a sombre cast ofamusement. "

"Otherwise occupation, " said the stranger, "from which I derivesubsistence. Amidst the endless varieties of Real Life in London, I aman _Epitaph-Collector_, favoured by my friends with the appellation of_Old Mortality_, furnished them by the voluminous writer and meteor ofthe north, Sir Walter Scott. "

"Do you collect, " asked Tallyho, "with the view of publishing on yourown account?"

"No, Sir, --I really am not in possession of the means wherewithto embark on so hazardous a speculation. I am thus employed by aneccentric, yet very worthy gentleman, of large property, who ambitiousof transmitting his name to posterity, means to favour the world with amore multitudinous collection of epitaphs than has hitherto appearedin any age or nation;--his prospectus states "Monumental Gleanings, intwenty-five quarto volumes!"

"Astonishing!" exclaimed Dashall, --"Can it be possible that he ever willbe able to accomplish so vast an undertaking?"

"And if he does, " said Tallyho, "can it be possible that any person willbe found to read a production of such magnitude, and on such a subject?"

~~306~~~ "That to him is a matter of indifference, " said OldMortality, --"he means to defray the entire charges, and the object ofpublication effected, will rest satisfied with the approbation of thediscerning few, leaving encomium from the multitude to authors orcompilers more susceptible of flattery, --

 "Born with a stomach to digest a ton!"

As to the quantum of materiel, he is indefatigable in personal research, employing besides numerous collectors even in the sister island, and inthis, from the Land's-end to Johnny Grot's house. "

"And when, " asked Dashall, "is it probable that this gigantic work maybe completed?"

"Can't say, " answered Old Mortality, --"I should think at no very remoteperiod: the collection is in daily accumulation, and we are already inpossession of above ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND. "

"Prodigious!" exclaimed Dashall, "as Dominic Sampson says. And pray, Sir, what number may your assiduities have contributed towards theaggregate?"

"That, " answered Old Mortality, "I cannot exactly ascertain; to those, however, already supplied, this ground will yield a considerableincrease. "

"May we solicit, " said Tallyho, "without the imputation of intrusion, the favour of your reading to us from your table-book, a few of the mostremarkable epitaphs?"

Old Mortality readily promised gratification as far as possible, but hehad not his table-book with him; "I have been employed to day, " said he, "in making extracts from one of our manuscript folio volumes, for thepurpose of insertion in the different metropolitan daily papers;--herethey are"--taking a small bundle from his pocket, tied round with redtape, --"one for each paper: permit me, gentlemen, for a moment just tolook over the endorsations. "

The triumvirate now seated themselves on a tombstone, and Old Mortalityuntying the bundle of extracts, laid them down in loose compact; thentaking up the first, and reading the superscription, shewing for whatnewspaper it was intended, he reversed it on the tombstone. --"This, "said he, "is for "_The Times, British Press, Morning Post, MorningChronicle, Morning Advertiser, Morning Herald, Public Ledger_, --allright, --and sorted, as the postman sorts his letters: I shall take, first of all, Printing-house Square, the others are in a direct line ofdelivery. " This important arrangement made, he took up one paper fromthe bundle, and read the contents with an audible voice:--~~307~~~

SPECIMEN OF MONUMENTAL GLEANINGS, Extracted from the manuscript folio of a new compilation of Epitaphs, serious and eccentric, now in collection, from numerous Dormitories inGreat Britain and Ireland; To be completed with all possible expedition, And will be ushered to the patronage of a discerning Public, inTwenty-five quarto volumes. 

 In the Church-yard of Winchester, Hants. 

 Here lies interred a Hampshire Grenadier, Who got his death by drinking cold small beer. Soldiers, take heed from his untimely fall, And if you drink, drink strong, or none at all. 

 In Stepney Church-yard. 

 Here lies the body of Daniel Saut, Spitalfields weaver, --and that's all. 

 In Chigwem Church-yard. 

 This disease you ne'er heard tell on, I died of eating too much melon; Be careful then all you that feed--I Suffer'd, because I was too greedy. 

 In St. John's, Leeds. 

 _Hic jacet_, sure the fattest man That Yorkshire stingo made; He was a lover, --of his can, A clothier by his trade. His waist did measure three yards round, He weighed almost three hundred pound; His flesh did weigh full twenty stone, -- His flesh, I say--he had no bone, -- At least 'tis said that he had none. 

 Eltham. 

 My wife lies here beneath, Alas from me she's flown! She was so good, that Death Would have her for his own. 

 At Maidstone. 

 My life was short, as you may see, I died at only twenty-three. Now free from pain and grief I rest I had a cancer in my breast; The Doctors all their physic tried, And thus by slow degrees I died!

 Northampton. 

 Here lies the corpse of Susan Lee, Who died of heartfelt pain, Because she lov'd a faithless he, Who lov'd not her again! Pray for me, old Thomas Dunn, -- But if you don't, --'tis all one!

 In Aberdeen, Scotland. 

 Here lies auld William Alderbroad. Have mercy on his soul, Lord God, As he would have were he Lord God, And thou auld William Alderbroad!

 Sir William Walworth, Lord Mayor of London St. Michael's, Crooked Lane. Hereunder lyth a man of fame, William Walworth callyd by name; Fishmonger he was in life time here, And twice Lord Maior as in bookes appere, Who with courage stout and manly might Slew Wat Tyler, in King Richard's sight. For which act done and trew intent, The King made him a Knight incontinent, And gave him armes, as heere you see, To declare his fait and chivalrie. He left this life the yere of our God, Thirteene hundryd fourscore and three, odd. 

 William Wray. In the same Church-yard. 

 Here lyeth, wrapt in clay, The body of William Wray;-- I have no more to say. 

Interchanging civilities, the party now separated, the collector toresume his occupation, and the two friends their walk. 

"Twenty-five quarto volumes, " exclaimed the Squire, "and exclusivelyfilled with epitaphs; this fellow has set himself a task with avengeance!"

"And which, " answered his friend, "he will never be able to accomplish;however, the ambition of renown as a voluminous collector is the lesscensurable, as being unattended by any of its too frequently perniciousconcomitants, and giving to others an acceptable and not irrationalemployment; he is only blameable in the projected extent, not the natureof his pursuit; and happy would it be for mankind did the love of fameengender no greater evil than that, if any, which may accrue from theHerculean labours of this epitaph collector. "

"Yet to us, the uninitiated of the country, it would never occur thatthere existed even in London a man who disseminated his fortune, andapplied his mental and corporeal energies in gleaning epitaphs. "

"Neither perhaps would it occur that there existed even in London avirtuoso who discovered that fleas were a species of lobster, and whoproceeded to proof by the ordeal of boiling water, on the suppositionthat the process would change their hue from black to red, and thussatisfactorily establish the correctness of his judgment; unfortunately, however, the boiled fleas still retained their original colour, and theingenious hypothesis was reluctantly relinquished. "{1}

 1 It is told of another virtuoso, that he was waited upon one morning by a stranger, who announced that he had the opportunity of procuring an inestimable curiosity--a horned cock; but that its owner, an avaricious old woman, had her domicile in the highlands of Scotland, to which remote region it would be necessary to travel, amply provided with the pecuniary means of securing this wonderful bird; and that it would be expedient to set out immediately, lest the matchless phenomenon should become the prize of a more fortunate competitor. 

 "A horned cock! the very acme of frolicsome nature, --a desideratum in the class of _lusus naturae_, which I would rather possess than the mines of Peru!--Away, my dear fellow; speed like lightning to the north, --purchase this precious bird at any price; and should the old woman hesitate at separation from her cornuted companion, why then purchase both, and bring them to town with all possible celerity!"

 In the interval between this important mission and the achievement of its object, the anxiety of the virtuoso was inexpressible;--a horned cock! it was the incessant subject of his cogitations by day, and of his dreams by night. At last the auspicious moment arrived; in the still noontide of night the preconcerted rap at the street door announced the happy result of the momentous expedition. The virtuoso sprang from his couch with extasy to admit the illustrious prodigy of nature. His astonishment, delight, and triumph were unspeakable:--two horns of the most beautiful curva- ture adorned the crested head of this noble northern. Anticipation thus blessed by the fulness of fruition, the bringer was super-abundantly rewarded. Next morning the virtuoso sent a message to each of his most highly favoured friends, desiring attendance at his house instantaneously, on an occasion of vast importance. "Gentlemen, " said he to his assembled visitants, "I may now boast possession of that whicli will astonish the universe--a horned cock! behold the rara avis, and envy my felicity!" So saying, he uncovered a wicker basket, when lo! the bird, shorn of its honours! indignant at confinement, and struggling for freedom, had dropped its waxen antlers! The unfortunate virtuoso stood aghast and speechless, and only at last found utterance to curse his own credulity!

~~310~~~ Pursuing their course along the City Road, the two friends wereattracted by the appearance of a caravan, stationary on the road side, whereon was inscribed, in large characters, The Female Salamander. 

"Here is another instance, " observed Dashall, "of the varieties of RealLife in London. "

"Walk in, gentlemen, " exclaimed the proprietor, "and see the surprisingyoung woman over whom the element of fire has no control!"

Tom and Bob accepted the invitation. Entering the caravan, they werereceived by an interesting young female, apparently not more thaneighteen years of age, with a courteousness of manner far beyond whatcould have been expected from an itinerant exhibitor. 

So soon as a sufficient number of spectators had congregated within thevehicle, the female Salamander commenced her exhibition. 

Taking a red-hot poker from the fire, she grasped it firmly, and drewit from head to point through her hand, without sustaining the smallestinjury!

~~311~~~ "Will you permit me to look at your hand?" asked Dashall. 

The girl extended her hand, --the palm was moist, and seemed to havebeen previously fortified against danger by some secret liquid orother application, now reeking from its recent contact with the flamingweapon. 

An uncivilized bumpkin accused her of deception, asserting that thepoker was not heated to the extent represented. 

"Touch and try, " answered the girl. He did so, and the cauterizinginstrument gave a feeling (although not very satisfactory) negative tohis assertion. 

"The mystery, " continued Dashall, "of resisting the impression oftire, certainly originates in the liquid by which your hand has beenprotected. "

"I shall answer your observation, " said the Salamander, "by anotherperformance. "

She then dipped her fingers into a pot of molten lead, and let fallupon her tongue several drops of the metallic fluid, to the no smallamazement and terror of the company; and as if to remove the idea ofprecautionary application, she after a lapse of five minutes, repeatedthe same extraordinary exhibition, and finally immerged her naked feetin the boiling material. 

The inscrutable means by which the Salamander executed these feats withthe most complete success and safety, were not to be divulged; and asneither of our respectable friends felt desirous of emulating the fairexhibitant, they declined the importunity of further inquiry. 

"This is, indeed, " said Dashall, as they resumed their walk, "the ageof wonders:--here is a girl who can bear to gargle her mouth with meltedlead, put her delicate feet into the same scalding material, and passthrough her hands a flaming red-hot poker! I am inclined to believe, that were the present an age of superstition, she might be burnt for awitch, were she not happily incombustible. For my own part, I sincerelyhope that this pyrophorous prodigy will never think of quitting her owncountry; and as I am a bachelor, I verily believe I should be tempted tomake her an offer of my hand, could I flatter myself with any chanceof raising aflame, or making a match with such uninflammable commodity. Only conceive the luxury, when a man comes home fatigued, and in a hurryfor his tea, of having a wife who can instantly take out the heaterfor ~~312~~~ the urn with her fingers, --stir the fire with ditto--snuffcandles with ditto--make a spit of her arm, or a toasting fork of herthumb! What a saving, too, at the washing season, since she need onlyhold her hand between the bars till it is red-hot, thrust it into abox iron, and iron you off a dozen children's frocks, while an ordinarylaundress would be coddling the irons over the fire, spitting upon them, and holding them to her cheek to ascertain the heat before she began towork. "

"And, " observed the Squire, taking up his friend's vein of humour, "ifthe young lady be as insensible to the flames of Cupid as she is tothose of Vulcan, she might still be highly useful in a national point ofview, and well worthy the attention of the various fire-offices. "

"Exactly so, " replied his Cousin, --"how desirable for instance would ithave been at the late alarming fire in Gracechurch-street, to have hada trustworthy person like her, who could very coolly perambulatethe blazing warehouses, to rescue from the flames the most valuablecommodities, or lolling astraddle upon a burning beam, hold the red-hotengine pipe in her hand, and calmly direct the hissing water tothose points where it may be most effectually applied. In ourvarious manufactories, what essential services she might perform. In glass-houses, for instance, it is notorious that great mischiefsometimes arises from inability to ascertain when the sand and flinthave arrived at the proper degree of fusion. How completely might thisbe remedied, by merely shutting up the female Salamander in the furnace;and I can really imagine nothing more interesting, than to contemplateher in that situation, dressed in an asbestos pelisse, watching thereproduction of a phoenix hung up in an iron cage by her side, fondlinga spritely little Salamander, and bathing her naked feet in the vitreouslava, to report upon the intensity of heat. Much more might be urgedto draw the attention of government to the propriety of retaining thisanti-ignitible young lady, not only for the benefits she may confer uponthe public, but for the example she may afford to others of her ownsex; that by a proper exertion of courage, the most ardent sparks may besometimes encountered without the smallest inconvenience or injury. "

~~313~~~ Indulging in this playful vein of raillery, they now reachedthat part of the City Road intersected by the Regent's Canal, where itsspacious basin, circumjacent wharfs and warehouses, and winding line ofwater, with barges gliding majestically on its placid wave, where latelyappeared open fields arrayed in the verdure of nature, afforded fullscope for remark by Mr. Dashall, on the gigantic design and rapidaccomplishment, by commercial enterprize, of the most stupendousundertakings. 

"This work of incalculable public utility, " said Mr. Dashall, "spranginto being with the alacrity of enchantment;--the same remark mayapply to every other improvement of this vast metropolis, so rapid inexecution, that one thinks of the wonderful lamp, and the magnificentpalace of Aladdin, erected in one night by the attendant genii. "

Onwards towards "merry Islington;"{1}--"here, " said Dashall, "is the NewRiver: this fine artificial stream is brought from two springs at Chadwell and Am well, in Hertfordshire, for the supply of London with water. It was finished in 1613, by Sir Hugh Middleton, a citizen of London, whoexpended his whole fortune in this public undertaking. The river, withall its windings, is nearly 39 miles in length; it has 43 sluices, and 215 bridges; over and under it a great number of brooks andwater-courses have their passage. In some places this canal is carriedthrough vales, and in others through subterraneous passages. Itterminates in a basin called the New River Head, close by. From thereservoir at Islington the water is conveyed by 58 main pipes underground along the middle of the principal streets; and thence by leadenpipes to the different houses. Thus, by means of the New River, andof the London Bridge water-works, every house in the metropolis isabundantly supplied with water, at the expense each of a few shillingsonly per annum. 

 1 Thus all through merry Islington These gambols he did play. 

 John Gilpin. 

This village of Islington is a large and populous place, superiorboth in size and appearance to many considerable towns in the country. Observe the Angel Inn, celebrated for its ordinary, where you mayenjoy, after a country ramble, an excellent dinner on very moderateterms. --Apropos, of the Angel Inn ordinary: some years ago it wasregularly every Sunday attended by a thin meagre ~~314~~~ gaunt and bonyfigure, of cadaverous aspect, who excited amongst the other guests nosmall degree of dismay, and not without cause. Cognominated the Wolf, hejustified his pretensions to the appellation, by his almost incrediblepowers of gormandizing; for a quantum of viands sufficient for six menof moderate appetite, would vanish on the magic contact of his knife andfork, in the twinkling of an eye; in fact, his voracity was consideredof boundless extent, for he invariably and without cessation consumedby wholesale, so long as eatables remained on the table. One day, afterhaving essentially contributed to the demolition of a baron of beef, anddevoured an entire shoulder of lamb, with a commensurate proportion ofbread, roots, vegetables, &c, he pounced, with the celerity of a hawk, on a fine roast goose, which unfortunately happened to have been justthen placed within the reach of his annihilating fangs, and in a veryshort space of time it was reduced to a skeleton; having occasion for afew minutes to leave the room, the company in the meanwhile secreted thebones of the goose. The waiter now entered for the purpose of removingthe cloth: casting his eyes round the room, he seemed absorbed inperplexity--"What is the matter?" asked one of the company; "do you missarty thing?"--"Yes, Sir, the bones of a goose!"--"Why then you may saveyourself the trouble of further search; the gentleman just gone out, of modest manners and puny appetite, has devoured the goose, bones andall!"--The waiter lost no time in reporting the appalling fact tohis master, who now more than ever was desirous of getting rid of theglutton--but how? it was impossible to exclude him the ordinary, or setbounds to his appetite; the only resource left was that of buying himoff, which was done at the rate of one shilling per diem, and the wolftook his hebdomadary repast at a different ordinary: from this also hisabsence was purchased at the same rate as by the first. Speculating onhis gluttony, he levied similar contributions on the proprietors of theprincipal ordinaries in the metropolis and environs; and if the fellowis still living, I have no doubt of his continuing to derive hissubsistence from the sources already described!--Now what think you ofReal Life in London?"{1}

 1 The wolf, so cognominated, was less censurable for his gluttony than the infamous purpose to which he applied it-- otherwise he had a parallel in a man of sublime genius. Handel one day entered a tavern in the city and ordered six mackarel, a fowl, and a veal cutlet, to be ready at a certain hour. True to his appointment, he re-appeared at the time stipulated, and was shown into an apartment where covers were laid for four. Handel desired to have another room, and ordered his repast to be served up immediately. -- "Then you don't wait for the rest of the company, sir?" said the waiter. --"Companee! vat you tell me of companee?" exclaimed Handel. "I vant no companee. I order dem two tree ting for my lonch!" The repast was served up, and honoured by Handel to the bones. He then drank a bottle of wine, and afterwards went home to dinner!

 During one of the campaigns of Frederick of Prussia, a boor was brought before him of an appetite so incredibly ravenous, that he offered to devour a hog barbacued. A general officer present ob-served, that the fellow ought to be burnt as a wizard. --"May it please your Majesty, " said the gormand, "to order that old gentleman to take off his spurs, and I will eat him before I begin the hog!" Panic struck, although a brave soldier, at the idea of being devoured alive, the general shut himself up in his tent until the man-eater departed the encampment. 

~~315~~~ The Squire knew not what to think--the circumstance wasso extraordinary, that the story would have been rejected by him asunworthy of notice, had it been told by any other person; and comingeven from his respectable friend, he remained, until reassured of thefact, rather incredulous of belief. 

Descending the declivity leading from Pentonville to Battle Bridge, Dashall, pointing to an extensive pile of buildings at some littledistance on the left, --"That, " said he, "is Cold Bath FieldsPenitentiary House, constructed on the plan of the late Mr. Howard, andmay be considered in all respects as an experiment of his principles. It cost the county of Middlesex between £70 and £80, 000, and its yearlyexpenditure is about £7, 000. It was opened in 1794, and was originallydesigned only as a kind of Bridewell; but having suitable accommodationsfor several descriptions of prisoners, it was applied to their differentcircumstances. The prison you may observe is surrounded by a wall ofmoderate height. Here are workshops for the prisoners; an office inwhich the business of the prison is transacted; a committee-room, andthe best chapel of any prison in London. The cells are 218 in number, about eight feet long each. In these, penitentiary prisoners areconfined till they have completed their tasks, when they are let intothe courts at the back. Owing to the exertions of Sir Francis ~~316~~~Burdett, and his partizans, this house, about the year 1799 and 1800, attracted much popular odium. Many abuses, now rectified, were thenfound to exist in the management, though not to the full extentdescribed. "

A new scene now rose on the view of our two pedestrians. A littlefurther on, in a field by the roadside, a motley assemblage of auditorsenvironed an orator mounted on a chair, who with frequent contortionof feature, and appropriate accompaniment of gesticulation, was holdingforth in the spirit, as Pashalt, surmised, either of radicalism orfanaticism. This elevated personage, on closer approximation, proved tobe a field-preacher, and judging from exterior appearance, no strangerto the good things of this life, although his present admonitoryharangue strongly reprobated indulgence in the vanities of this wickedworld;--he was well clad, and in portly condition, and certainly hisrubicundity of visage by no means indicated on his part the union ofpractice with precept. 

Nothing of further interest occurred, and they reached home, pleased with their day's ramble, that had been productive of somuch amusement;--"thus verifying, " said Dashall to the Squire, "the observation which you lately made--that every hour brings to ametropolitan perambulator a fresh accession of incident. "

CHAPTER XXIII

 Observe that lean wretch, how dejected he looks, The while these fat Justices pore o'er their books. -- "Hem, hem, --this here fellow our fortunes would tell, -- He thence at the treading-mill must have a spell: He lives by credulity!"--Most people do, -- Even you on the bench there, --ay, you Sir, and you! Release then the Confrer at Equity's call, Or otherwise build treading-mills for us all!

~~317~~~ Adverting to the trick recently and successfully practisedon Sir Felix O'Grady, by a juvenile adept in fraud, obtaining from theBaronet a new suit of clothes; his servant, indignant at his masterhaving been thus plundered with impunity, had, for several days, beenmeditating in what manner most effectually to manouvre, so as torecover the lost property, and retrieve the honor of Munster, which heconsidered tarnished by his master having been duped by a stripling;when one morning a hand-bill was found in the area, intimating theresidence in Town, pro bono publico, of a celebrated professor of theOccult Sciences; to whom was given the sublime art of divination, andwho, by astrological and intuitive knowledge, would discover lost orstolen property, with infallible precision. Thady, whose credulity wasof no inferior order, elate with the idea of consummating his wishes, communicated to his master the happy opportunity, and was permittedto seek the counsel of the celestial augurer. Not that the Baronetentertained any belief of its proving available of discovery, but ratherwith the view of introducing to his friends, Dashall and Tallyho, afresh source of amusement, as connected with their diurnal investigationof Real Life in London. 

Thither then, Thady repaired, and consulting the Seer, was astonishedby responses which implied the most profound knowledge of times past, present, and to come! The simplicity of Thady had not escaped theAstrologer's ~~318~~~ notice, who, by dint of manouvre having contrivedto draw from the Munster man, unwittingly, the requisite intelligence, merely echoed back the information thus received, to the utter amazementof Thady, who concluded that the Doctor must have intercourse with theDevil, and thence that he merited implicit veneration and belief. Thesage predictor having received the customary douceur, now dismissed hiscredulous visitant, saying that the planets must be propitiated, anddesiring him to come again at the expiration of twenty-four hours, whenhe would receive further intelligence. 

Tom and his Cousin having called at the lodging of Sir Felix duringthe time that Thady was out on his expedition of discovery, the Baronetapprized his friends of the amusement in reserve; and they agreed tovisit this expounder of destinies on the servant's return. 

Thady at last arrived, and having reiterated his belief that thismarvellous conjurer was the devil's own relative, the party set outto ascertain by what means they could prove the truth of the affinitybetween his infernal majesty and the sage descendant of the Magi. 

Gaining the sublunary domicile of this mystical unraveller, which forthe greater facility of communication with the stars he had fixed in theloftiest apartment of the house, our trio knocked at the door, which, after some hesitation, was opened by an ancient Sybil, who was presentlyjoined by her counterpart, both "so withered and so wild in theirattire, " that "they looked not like inhabitants o' th' earth, and yetwere on it. " On the party requiring to see the Doctor, the two hagsexplained in a breath that the Doctor received only one visitor at atime; and while one gentleman went up stairs, the other two must remainbelow; and this arrangement being acquiesced in, Tom and Bob were shewninto a mean looking room on the ground floor, and Sir Felix followed theascent of his conductor to the attic. 

Entering the presence chamber, --"Welcome, sphinx, " exclaimed the Doctor. 

"By the powers, " said the Baronet, "but you are right to a letter; theSphinx is a monster-man, and I, sure enough, am a Munster-man. "

"I know it. --What would'st thou, Sir Felix O'Grady?"

~~319~~~ The Baronet felt surprised by this familiar recognition of hisperson, and replied by observing, that as the inquirer so well knew hisname, he might also be acquainted with the nature of his business. 

"I partly guess it, " rejoined the Seer, "and although I cannotabsolutely predict restitution of thy lost property, yet I foresee thataccident will throw the depredator in thy way, when the suit may perhapsfind its way back to thy wardrobe. Now, hence to thy business, and I tomine. "

The Baronet having nothing further to ask, withdrew accordingly; and ourSquire of Belville-hall was next ushered into the _sanctum sanctorum_. 

Bob was at a loss what to say, not having prepared himself with anyreasonable pretext of inquiry. A silence of a few moments was theconsequence, and the Squire having first reconnoitred the person of theconjurer, who was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his profession, scrutinized the apartment, when the attention of the visitor and visitedbeing again drawn to each other, the Soothsayer addressed himself toTallyho in the following words:

 The shadows of joy shall the mind appal, And the death-light dimly flit round the hall Of him, by base lucre who led astray, Shall age into fruitless minion betray!

 The death-light shall glimmer in Belville-hall, And childless the lord of the mansion fall; A wife when he weds, vain, ugly, and old, Though charms she brings forty thousand in gold!

The Squire was not prone to anger; but that this fellow should interferewith his private concerns, and impute to him the intention of forming amost preposterous connexion, under the influence of avarice, roused himinto a whirlwind of passion. --"Rascal!" he exclaimed, "who take uponyou to predict the fate of others, are you aware of your own! Vagabond!imposter! here I grasp you, nor will I quit my hold until I surrenderyou into the hands of justice!" And "suiting the action to the word, " heseized and shook the unfortunate Seer, to the manifest discomposure ofhis bones, who loudly and lamentably cried out for assistance. Alarmedby the clamour, Dashall and the Baronet rushed up stairs, to whom theSquire stated the aggravation ~~320~~~ received, and at the same timehis determination to bring the cheat to punishment. The tremblingculprit sued for mercy, conscious that he was amenable to correction asa rogue and vagabond, and if convicted as such, would probably be sentto expiate his offence in the Treading-Mill at Brixton, a place ofatonement for transgression, which of all others he dreaded the most. {1}

 1 Union-Hall. --Hannah Totnkins, a miserable woman of the town, was brought before R. G. Chambers, Esq. Charged with having robbed another of the unfortunate class of her clothes. It appeared, that the prisoner had been liberated from Brixton prison on Friday-last, after a confinement of three weeks; and that on coming out she was met by the complainant, Catherine Flynn, by whom she was taken to a comfortable lodging, supplied with necessaries, and treated with great kindness. The prisoner acted with propriety until Monday night, during which she remained out in the streets. On Tuesday morning, at four o'clock, she came home drenched with rain. The complainant desired her either to go to bed, or to light a fire and dry her clothes. The prisoner did neither, and the complainant went to sleep. At about seven the latter awoke, and missed her gown, petticoat, and bonnet. The prisoner was also missing. The complainant learned that her clothes were at a pawnbroker's shop, where they had been left a short time before by the prisoner. Hall, the officer, having heard of the robbery, went in quest of the prisoner, and found her in a gin-shop in Blackman-street, in a state of intoxication. He brought her before the magistrates in this condition. Her hair was hanging about her face, which was swelled and discoloured by the hardship of the preceding night. She did not deny that she had stolen the clothes of her poor benefactress, but she pleaded in her excuse, that the condition of her body, from the rain of Monday night, was such, that nothing but gin could have saved her life, and the only way she had of getting that medicine, was by pledging Katty Flynn's clothes. The magistrates asked the prisoner whether she had not got enough of the treading-mill at Brixton. The prisoner begged for mercy's sake not to be sent to the treading-mill. She would prefer transportation; for it was much more honourable to go over the water, than to be sent as a rogue and vagabond to Brixton. She was sent back to prison. It is a remarkable fact, that since the famous Treading-Mill has been erected at Brixton, the business of this office has greatly declined. The mill is so constructed, that when a man ventures to be idle in it, he receives a knock on the head from a piece OF WOOD, which is put there to give them notice of what they ere to do!!!

~~321~~~ The two ancient Sybils from the lower regions having nowascended the scene of confusion, united their voices with that of theastrologer, and Dashall and Sir Felix also interceding in his behalf, the Squire yielded to the general entreaty, and promised the soothsayerforgiveness, on condition that he disclosed the source whence hederived information as to the Baronet's family concerns. The soothsayerconfessed, that he had elicited intelligence from the servant, whoin his simplicity had revealed so much of his master's affairs, as toenable him (the conjurer) to sustain his reputation even with Sir Felixhimself, whom from description he recognized on his first entrance, andby the same means, and with equal ease, identified the person of theSquire of Belville-hall. He added besides, that he had frequently, bysimilar stratagem, acquired intelligence; that chance had more than oncefavoured him, by verifying his predictions, and thus both his fame andfinances had obtained aggrandisement. He now promised to relinquishcelestial for sublunary pursuits, and depend for subsistence rather onthe exercise of honest industry than on public credulity. 

Thus far had matters proceeded, when the Baronet's servant Thady wasannounced. The triumvirate anticipating some extraordinary occurrence, desired the soothsayer to resume his functions, and give the valetimmediate audience, while they retired into another apartment to waitthe result. In a few minutes the servant was dismissed, and the partyreadmitted. 

"Chance, " said the augurer, "has again befriended me. I told you, SirFelix, that the depredator would be thrown in your way: my prediction isrealized; he has been accidentally encountered by your servant, and isnow in safe custody. "

On this information our party turned homewards, first leaving theastrologer a pecuniary stimulation to projected amendment of life. 

"There seems nothing of inherent vileness, " said the Squire, as theywalked onwards, "in this man's principles; he may have been drivenby distress to his present pursuits; and I feel happy that I did notconsign the poor devil to the merciless fangs of the law, as, in themoment of irritation, I had intended. "

"By my conscience, " exclaimed Sir Felix, "I cannot discover that heought to be punished at all. He has been picking up a scanty living bypreying on public credulity; and from the same source thousands in thismetropolis derive affluent incomes, and with patronage and impunity. "

~~322~~~ "And, " added Dashall, "in cases of minor offence a well-timedclemency is frequently, both in policy and humanity, preferable torelentless severity. "{1}

 1 As a contrast to these exemplary feelings, and in illustration of Real Life in London, as it regards a total absence of sympathy and gentlemanly conduct, in one of a respectable class in society, we present our readers with the following detail:--

 Hatton Garden. On Saturday sennight, Robert Powell was brought before the magistrates, charged with being a rogue, vagabond, and imposter, and obtaining money under fraudulent pretences, from one Thomas Barnes, a footman in the service of Surgeon Blair, of Great Russell-street, Bloomsbury, and taking from him 2s. 6d. Under pretence of telling him the destinies of a female fellow-servant, by means of his skill in astrological divina-tion. The nature of the offence, and the pious frond by which the disciple of Zoroaster was caught in the midst of his sorceries, were briefly as follow:--This descendant of the Magi, born to illumine the world by promulgating the will of the stars, had of course no wish to conceal his residence; on the contrary, he resolved to announce his qualification in the form of a printed handbill, and to distribute the manifesto for the information of the world. One of these bills was dropped down the area of Mr. Blair's house; it was found by his footman, and laid on the breakfast-table, with the newspaper of the morning, as a morceau of novelty, for his amusement. Mr. Blair concerted with some of the agents of the Society for the Suppression of Vice, a stratagem to entrap the Sidéral Professor; in the furtherance of which he dictated to his footman a letter to the Seer, expressive of a wish to know the future destinies of his fellow-servant, the cook-maid, and what sort of a husband the constellations had, in their benign influence, assigned her. With this letter the footman set out for No. 5, Sutton-street, Soho, where he found the Seer had, for the convenience of prompt intercourse, chosen his habitation as near the stars as the roof of the mansion would admit. Here the footman announced the object of his embassy, delivered his credentials, and was told by the Seer, that "lie could certainly give him an answer now, 'by word of mouth, ' but if he would call next day, he should be better prepared, as, in the meantime, he could consult the stars, and have for him a written answer. " The footman retired, and returned next morning, received the written response, gave to the Seer the usual donation of 2s. 6d. Previously marked, which sum he figured upon the answer, and the receipt of which the unsuspecting Sage acknowledged by his signature. With this proof of his diligence, he returned to his master, and was further to state the matter to the magistrates. A vigilant officer was therefore sent after the prophet, whom he found absorbed in profound cogitation, casting the nativities of two plump damsels, and consulting the dispositions of the stars as to the disposition of the lasses; but the unrelenting officer entered, and proceeded to fulfil his mission. On searching the unfortunate Sage, the identical half-crown paid him by Barnes was found, with two others in his pocket, where such coins had long been strangers; and the cabalistical chattels of his profession accompanied him as the lawful spoil of the captor. The magistrate, before whom he had been convicted on a former occasion of a similar offence, observed that it was highly reprehensible for a man who possessed abilities, which by honest exertion might procure him a creditable livelihood, thus to degrade himself by a life of imposture and fraud upon the ignorant and unwary. The wretched prisoner, who stood motionless and self-convicted, exhibited a picture of wretchedness from whicli the genius of Praxiteles would not have disdained to sketch the statue of Ill Luck. Never did soothsayer seem less a favourite of the Fates! Aged, tall, meagre, ragged, filthy and care-worn, his squalid looks depicted want and sorrow. Every line of his countenance seemed a furrow of grief; and his eyes gushing with tears, in faint and trembling accents he addressed the Court. He acknowledged the truth of the charge, but said, that nothing but the miseries of a wretched family could have driven him to such a line of life. If he had been able, he would gladly have swept the streets; but he was too feeble so to do; he had tried every thing in his power, but in vain, --

 "He could not dig, to beg he was ashamed;"

 and even if begging, either by private solicitation or openly in the streets, could promise him a casual resource in the charity of the passing crowd, he was afraid he should thereby incur prosecution as a rogue and vagabond, and be imprisoned in Bridewell. Parish settlement he has none; and what was to be done for a wretched wife and three famishing children? He had no choice between famine, theft, or imposture. His miserable wife, he feared, was even now roaming and raving through the streets, her disorder aggravated by his misfortunes; and his wretched children without raiment or food. To him death would be a welcome relief from a life of misery, tolerable only in the hope of being able to afford, by some means, a wretched subsistence to his family. 

 The magistrates, obviously affected by this scene, said that they felt themselves obliged to commit the prisoner, as he had not only been repeatedly warned of the consequences of his way of life, but was once before convicted of a similar offence. He was therefore committed for trial. 

 Does Surgeon Blair, who obtains his twenty guineas a day, and lives in affluence, think by such conduct as the present to merit the esteem of the world, by thus hunting into the toils of justice such miserable objects? If he does, though we cannot respect him or his associates for their humanity, we may undoubtedly pity them for their ignorance and superstition. 

~~324~~~ On the arrival of the party at the lodgings of Sir Felix, theylearned from the servant, that the latter having met the young swindlerin the streets, Thady recognized and secured him; and he was now at thedisposal of the Baronet, if he chose to proceed against him. 

The sprig of iniquity, when made forthcoming, did not deny the accuracyof the charge, neither did he offer any thing in exculpation. Itwas with much difficulty, however, and under the threat of his beingimmediately surrendered to justice, that he would disclose the name ofhis father, who proved to be a respectable tradesman residing in theneighbourhood. The unfortunate parent was sent for, and his son'ssituation made known to him. The afflicted man earnestly beseeched, thathis son might not be prosecuted; he was not aware, he said, that thelad was habitually vicious; this probably was his only deviation fromhonesty; he, the father, would make every reparation required; butexposure would entail upon his family irretrievable ruin. It waselicited from the boy, amid tears and sobs of apparent contrition, thatthe articles of apparel were in pledge for a small sum; redemption, andevery other possible atonement, was instantly proposed by the father:Sir Felix hesitated, was he justifiable, he asked, in yielding to hisown wishes, by foregoing prosecution?--"The attribute of mercy, " saidDashall, "is still in your power. "--"Then, " responded the Baronet, "Ishall avail myself of the privilege. Sir, (to the father), your boy isat liberty!" The now relieved parent expressed, in the most energeticmanner, his gratitude, and retired. The prediction of the Seer was fullyverified, for in the course of the evening the stray suit found its wayback to the wardrobe of its rightful owner. 

This business happily concluded, and the day not much beyond itsmeridian, the three friends again sallied forth in the directionof Bond-street, towards Piccadilly. As usual, the loungers weresuperabundant, and ridiculous. Paired together, and swerving continuallyfrom the direct line, it required some skilful manouvring to passthem. Our friends had surmounted several such impediments, when a newobstruction to their progress presented itself. A party of Exquisiteshad linked themselves together, and occupied the entire pavement, so that it was impossible to precede them without getting into thecarriage-way, thus greatly obstructing and inconveniencing all otherpassengers. Lounging at a funeral pace, and leaving not the smallestopening, it was evident that ~~325~~~ these effeminate animals hadpurposely united themselves for public annoyance. Sir Felix, irritatedby this palpable outrage on decorum, stepped forward, with hastydetermined stride, and coming unexpectedly and irresistibly in contact, broke at once the concatenated barrier, to the great amusement aswell as accommodation of the lookers-on, and total discomfiture of theExquisites, who observing the resolute mien and robust form of theirassailant, not forgetting a formidable piece of timber, alias "sprigof shillaleagh, " which he bore in his hand, prudently consulted theirsafety, and forebore resentment of the interruption. {1}

 1 If in walking the streets of London, the passenger kept the right hand side, it would prevent the frequent recurrence of much jostling and confusion. The laws of the road are observed on the carriage-way in the metropolis most minutely, else the street would be in a continual blockade. But

 The laws of the road are a paradox quite, That puzzles the marvelling throng; For if on the left, you are yet on the right, And if you are right, you are wrong!

The Baronet's two associates very much approved of his spiritedinterference, and Dashall observed, that these insignificant beings, whom Sir Felix had so properly reproved, were to be seen, thusincommoding the public, in all parts of the metropolis; but moreparticularly westward; that in crowded streets, however, for instance, in the direct line from Charing Cross to the Royal Exchange, theapparent Exquisites are generally thieves and pickpockets, who finda harvest in this extensive scene of business, by artful depredation, either upon the unwary tradesman, or equally unsuspecting passenger, whose wiper or tattler, and sometimes both, becomes the frequent produceof their active ingenuity. 

The morning had been wet, and although the flag-way was dry, yet thecarriage-road was dirty. There are, in all parts of the metropolis, indigent objects of both sexes, who by sweeping the cross-way, pick upan eleemosynary livelihood. It not unfrequently happens, however, thata chariot, or other vehicle, is drawn up at one end of the cross-waydirectly athwart it, so as completely to intercept your way to thepavement. Exactly so situated were our pedestrians. They had availedthemselves of a newly swept path, and were advancing towards theopposite side, ~~326~~~in Piccadilly, when, before they could effecttheir purpose, a carriage drew up, and effectually impeded furtherprogress by the cross-way, so that there seemed no alternative betweenstanding fast and gaining the pavement by walking through the mud. Thecoachman retained his position despite of remonstrance, and in thislaudable stubbornness he was encouraged by a well-attired female insidethe vehicle, for the carriage was a private one, and its ill-manneredinmate probably a lady of rank and fashion. Sir Felix, justly indignantat this treatment, set danger and inconvenience at defiance, anddeliberately walking to the horses' heads, led the animals forward untilthe carriage had cleared the cross-way, maugre the threats of the lady, and the whip of the coachman, who had the audacity to attempt exercisingit on the person of the Baronet, when Tallyho, dreading the consequencesto the rash assailant, sprang upon the box, and arresting his hand, saved the honour of Munster! The transaction did not occupy above twominutes, yet a number of people had collected, and vehemently applaudedSir Felix; and the lady's companion now hastily re-entering the chariotfrom an adjacent shop, Mr. Jehu drove off rapidly, amidst the hoots andhisses of the multitude. {1}

 1 Sir Felix had not heard of the following incident, else he certainly would have followed its example:--

 Two ladies of distinction stopped in a carriage at a jeweller's near Charing-cross; one of them only got out, and the coach stood across the path-way which some gentlemen wanted to cross to the other side, and desired the coachman to move on a little; the fellow was surly, and refused; the gentlemen remonstrated, but in vain. During the altercation, the lady came to the shop door, and foolishly ordered the coachman not to stir from his place. On this, one of the gentlemen opened the coach-door, and with boots and spurs stepped through the carriage. He was followed by his companions, to the extreme discomposure of the lady within, as well as the lady without. To complete the jest, a party of sailors coming up, observed, that, "If this was a thoroughfare, they had as much right to it as the gemmen;" and accordingly scrambled through the carriage. 

The poor street-sweeper having applied to Sir Felix for a miteof benevolence, --"And is it for letting the carriage block up thecross-way, and forcing me through the mud, " asked the Baronet;--" butwhether or not, I have not got any halfpence about me, so that I mustpay you when I come again. "--"Ah! your honour, " exclaimed the man, "itis unknown the credit I give in this way. " Sir Felix thrust his handinto his pocket, and rewarded the applicant with a tester. 

~~327~~~ Proceeding along Piccadilly, our party were followed bya Newfoundland dog, which circumstance attracted the notice of theBaronet, to whom more than to either of his associates the animal seemedto attach itself. Pleased with its attention, Sir Felix caressed it, andwhen the triumvirate entered a neighbouring coffee-house, the dog waspermitted to accompany them. Scarcely had the three friends seatedthemselves, when a man of decent appearance came into the room, and, without ceremony, accused the Baronet of having, by surreptitious means, obtained possession of his property; in other words, of having inveigledaway his dog; and demanding instant restitution. 

Sir Felix fired at the accusation, divested as it was of the shadow oftruth, yet unsuspicious of design, would have instantly relinquished hiscanine acquaintance, but for the interposition of Dashall, who suspectedthis intrusive personage to be neither more nor less than a dog-stealer, of whom there are many in London continually on the alert for booty. These fellows pick up all stray dogs, carry them home, and detain themuntil such time as they are advertised, and a commensurate reward isoffered by the respective owners. If, then, the dog is intrinsicallyof no value, and consequently unsaleable, the adept in this species ofdepredation, finding he can do no better, takes the dog home, receives the promised reward, and generally an additional gratuity incompensation of keep and trouble; but, should it so happen, that theproffered remuneration is not equivalent to the worth of the animal, theconscientious professor of knavery carries his goods to a more lucrativemarket. At the instance of Dashall, therefore, Sir Felix was determinedto retain the animal until the claimant brought irrefragable proofof ownership. The fellow blustered, --the Baronet was immovable in hisresolution;--when the other threw off all disguise, and exhibitinghimself in pristine blackguardism, inundated Sir Felix with a torrentof abuse; who disdaining any minor notice of his scurrility, seized thefellow, with one hand by the cape of his coat, with the other by thewaistband of his breeches, and bearing him to the door, as he would anyother noxious animal, fairly pitched him head foremost into the street, to the manifest surprise and dismay of the passengers, to whom he told a"pitiable tale, " when one of the crowd pronounced him to be a notoriousdog-stealer, and the fellow, immediately on this recognition, made aprecipitate retreat. ~~328~~~ "I am glad, " said Dashall to his friends, who had witnessed the result of this affair from one of the windows ofthe coffee-room, "that our canine acquaintance (patting the animalat the same time) is now clearly exonerated from any participation ofknavery. I had my suspicions that he was a well-disciplined associatein iniquity, taught to follow any person whom his pretended owner mightpoint at, as a fit object of prey. "

The Baronet and the Squire, particularly the latter, had heard much ofthe "Frauds of London, " but neither of them was aware that metropolitanroguery was carried on and accelerated through the medium of canineagency. 

In confirmation of this fact, however, Dashall mentioned twocircumstances, both of which had occurred within these few years back, the one of a man who, in different parts of the suburbs, used to secretehimself behind a hedge, and when a lady came in view, his dog would goforth to rob her; the reticule was the object of plunder, which the dogseldom failed to get possession of, when he would instantly carry thespoil to his master. The other case was that of a person who had trainedhis dog to depredations in Whitechapel-market. This sly thief wouldreconnoitre the butcher's stalls, particularly on a Saturday nightamidst the hurry of business, and carry off whatever piece of meat wasmost conveniently tangible, and take it home with all possible cautionand celerity. We have heard of their answering questions, playingcards, and casting accompts, --in fact, their instinctive sagacity hasfrequently the appearance of reasoning faculties; they even now arecompetent to extraordinary performances, and what further wonders theingenuity of man may teach them to accomplish, remains hereafter to beascertained. {1}

 1 The following anecdote is particularly illustrative of canine sagacity. It shews that the dog is sensible of unmerited injury, and will revenge it accordingly; it exhibits the dog also, as a reflective animal, and proves that, though he has not the gift of speech, he is yet endowed with the power of making himself understood by his own species. Some years ago, the traveller of a mercantile house in London, journeying into Cornwall, was followed by his favourite dog, to Exeter; where the traveller left him, in charge of the landlord of the Inn, until his return. The animal was placed in an inner yard, which, for sometime back, had been in the sole occupation of the house-dog; and the latter, considering the new comer an intruder, did not fail to give the poor stranger many biting taunts accordingly. Deserted, scorned, insulted and ill-treated, the poor animal availed himself of the first opportunity, and escaped. The landlord scoured the country in quest of the fugitive, without effect. After the lapse of a few days, the traveller's dog returned to the Inn, accompanied by two others, and the triumvirate entering the yard, proceeded to execute summary vengeance on the house-dog, and drove him howling from his territories. The two dogs were from London, --

 "Their locket letter'd braw-brass collars, Shew'd they were gentlemen and scholars. "

 Hence it appears, that the traveller's dog went to London, told his grievance to his two friends, and brought them to Exeter to avenge his cause!

~~329~~~ Emerging from the coffee-house, companied by their newlyacquired canine friend, our observers proceeded along Piccadilly, whenreaching its extremity, and turning into the Park by Constitution-hill, they were met by the servant, Thady. 

"Your honour, " said the valet, "haven't I been after soaking you, hereand there, and every where, and no where at all, at all, vrid thisletter, bad luck to it, becays of the trouble it may give you; andindeed I was sent after your honour by Miss Macgilligan;--there's illluck at home, your honour. "

"Then I shall not make any haste, " said Sir Felix, "to meet such aguest. "

He then read aloud the ominous epistle:--

"My dear Nephew. --A vexatious affair has occurred. --I shall be glad tosee you, as soon as possible. --J. M. "

"Perhaps you can oblige us with the history, " said the Baronet, "of thissame 'vexatious affair;' but observe me, let it be an abridgement, --MissMacgilligan will favour us with it in detail. "

"Why then, your honour, " said the valet, "you had not gone out manyminutes, when there came a _rit-tat_ to the door, and a gintailgood-looking gentleman inquired for Mr. A----a. Begging your pardon, says I, if it is my master vou mane, he does not belong to the familyof the Misters at all; his name is Sir Felix O'Grady, of the province ofMunster, Baronet, and I am his valet; long life and good luck to both ofus!"

~~330~~~ "This is rather a tedious commencement, " observed Sir Felix tohis marvelling associates, --"but I believe we must let the fellow tellthe story in his own way. --Well, Tliady, what next?"

"So, your Honour, he inquired whether he could spaak wid you, and I toldhim that it was rather doubtful, becays you were not at home; but, saysI, Miss Judy Macgilligan, his Honour's reverend aunt, is now inher dressing-room, and no doubt will be proud in the honour of youracquaintance. "

"My 'reverend aunt' certainly ought to feel herself very much obliged toyou. --Well, Sir!"

"And so, your Honour, the maid went for instructions, and MissMacgilligan desired that the gentleman should be shewn into thedrawing-room, until she could make her appearance. Well, then, afterwaiting some little time, he rings the bell, with the assurance of aman of quality, just as if he had been at home. So up stairs I goes, andmeets him in the hall. 'Pray, ' says he, 'have the goodness to present mybest respects to the lady; I will not obtrude upon her at present, butshall call again tomorrow, ' and away he walked; and that's all, yourHonour. " "That's all! What am I to understand then by the 'vexatiousaffair' my aunt speaks of?"

"O, " exclaimed Thady, recollecting himself, --"may be she manes her goldwatch, which the gentleman discovered in the drawing-room, and carriedaway in his pocket, by mistake!"

"Very well, Sir, " said the Baronet; "now that we have «orne to thefinis, you may go home. "

It is evident the gentleman had availed himself of the Baronet's absencefrom home, and that the information derived from the communicative valetencouraged the hope of success which he so adroitly realized. 

Dashall and his Cousin were about sympathizing with the Baronet on thisnew misfortune, when he gave vent to bis feelings by an immoderate fitof laughter!--"Miss Macgilligan has had the benefit of a practicallesson, " he exclaimed, "which she cannot fail to remember;--her vanitywould not permit her seeing the stranger until the frivolities ofthe toilet were adjusted, and thus he made the most of a goldenopportunity. "

~~331~~~ The three friends now retraced their steps along Piccadilly, until they arrived at the residence of Dashall, when they separated; theBaronet to condole with Miss Macgilligan, and the two Cousins to dress, preparatory to their dining with an eminent merchant in the city. 

Leaving then, for the present, Sir Felix and his aunt to their ownfamily cogitations, we shall accompany the Hon. Tom Dashall and theSquire of Belville-hall on their civic expedition. 

The wealthy citizen at whose table they were now entertained, rose, likemany others, the children of industry, from comparative indigence toaffluence, and from obscurity to eminence. 

The party was select; the dinner was sumptuous, yet unostentatious; andthe conversation, if not exactly in the first class of refinement, wasto the two strangers interestingly instructive, as embracing topics ofmercantile pursuit with which they had hitherto been unacquainted. Itwas also highly enlivened by the sprightly sallies of three beautifuland elegantly accomplished young ladies, the daughters of the amiablehost and hostess; and to these fair magnets of attraction, whom Dashallhappily denominated the Graces, our gallant cavaliers were particularlyassiduous in their attentions. The party broke up, after an evening ofreciprocal enjoyment; and Dashall on the way home expressed his beliefthat, with the solitary exception of one colossal instance of ignoranceand brutality, "the very respectable man" in society is most generallyto be found among the merchants of London. {1}

 1 "The very respectable. Man" is the true representative of the commercial character of Great Britain. He possesses more information than the Dutch trader, and more refinement than the Scotch manufacturer, with all the business qualifications of either. He is shrewd, industrious, manly, and independent; and as he is too much in earnest for the slightest affectation, he shews his character in his dress, his carriage, and his general appearance. His dress is at once plain and neat; and if his coat should accidentally exhibit the cut of a more genteel manufacturer, the interstice between his boot (he wears top boots) and small clothes, the fashion of his cravat, which is rolled round a stiffner two inches in diameter, and tied in a bow, besides a variety of other more minute characteristics, decidedly refute all suspicion of an attempt at attaining the appearance of a man of fashion. The end of a Spitalfields silk-handkerchief just appearing from the pocket hole at the top of his skirt, shews at once his regard for good things and native manufactures; while the dignity of his tread declares his consciousness of his own importance, the importance of "a very respectable man, " and to attribute it to any other than such an "honest pride, " would be derogatory to his reputation and feelings. If he meets a business acquaintance of an higher rank than his own, his respectful yet unembarrassed salutation at once sufficiently expresses the disparity of their two conditions, and his consciousness of the respectability of his own, while the respectfully condescending notice of the Peer exhibits the reversed flow of the same feelings. The very respect-able man is always accurately acquainted with the hackney coach fares to the different parts of London, and any attempt at imposition on the part of the coachman is sure to be detected and punished. He is never to be caught walking to the Bank on a public holiday; and the wind must have shifted very fast indeed, if it should happen to be in the north, when he believes it to be in the south. The state of the stocks is familiar to him; and as he watches their fluctuations with an attentive eye, their history, for weeks or even for months, is often in his memory. The very respectable man is always employed, but never in a hurry; and he perhaps is never better pleased than when he meets a congenial friend, who interrupts the current of business by the introduction of a mutual discussion of some important failure: Mr. Such-a-one's rapid acquirement of fortune, --the rise or fall of the funds, &c, --of all which the causes or consequences are importantly whispered or significantly prophesied. At home the government of the very respectable man's family is arbitrary, but the governor is not a tyrant; his wife has not, like the woman of fashion, any distinct rights, but she enjoys extensive indulgencies; she has power, but it flows from him, and though she is a responsible, she is not a discretional, agent. The table is to correspond with the moderation of the master, and the matron will be scolded or reproved as it varies from the proper medium between meanness and profusion. 

 The very respectable man is never less in his element than when he is in the centre of his wife's parties, for here he must resign the reins into her hands, and, alas! there is no such character as the very respectable woman. All our women would be women of fashion; and in dress and expense, in the numbers of their card tables, and the splendour of their parties, in every thing but manners, they are. Here, at his own fireside, the very respectable man may be considered as not at home till a rubber, a genial rubber, which is provided him as soon as possible, renders him blind to the folly and deaf to the clamour of the scene. The very respect-able man shews to least advantage as a politician; as his opinions are derived less from reading than experience, they are apt to be dogmatical and contracted. In political philosophy he is too frequently half a century behind his age; is still in the habit of considering specie as wealth, and talks loudly of the commercial benefits of the late war. Such is the "very respectable man, " a character decidedly inferior to that of many individuals in the class of society immediately above him; but which, considered as the character of a class, appears to be superior at once to that above and that below it--on a comparison with that above too, it more than makes up in the mass of its virtues for the deficiency in their quality, and appears to be like Solon's laws, if not the very best that might be, at least the best of which the state of society admits. In the lower orders, the social character is in its mineral state; in the higher, the fineness of the gold is prejudicial to its durability. In the "very respectable man "it is found mixed with some portion of alloy, but in greater quantity, and adapted to all the uses and purposes for which it is designed. As a civil member of society, if his theoretical politics are defective, the advantages derived to society from his industry and integrity, more than counterbalance those defects in his theory. As a religious member of society, if his religion might be more refined, if his attendance at church is considered rather as a parochial than a spiritual duty, and his appearance in his own pew is at least as much regarded as his devotions there; the regularity of his attendance, the harmony of his principles and practice, his exemplary manner of filling his different relations, more than make up for the inferiority in the tone of his religion. The commercial and religious capital of society are, in short, continually advancing by his exertions, though they don't advance so fast as they otherwise would if those exertions were directed by more intellect. 

CHAPTER XXIV

 "Vainly bountiful nature shall fill up Life's measure, If we're not to enjoyment awake; Churls that cautiously filtrate and analyze pleasure, Deserve not the little they take. 

 I hate all those pleasures where angling and squaring. And fitting and cutting by rules, And ----- me--dear me, I beg pardon for swearing, All that follow such fashions are fools. 

 For let who may be undone, I say Life in London, Of pleasure's the prop and the staff, That sets ev'ry muscle In a comical bustle And tickles one into a laugh. "

~~334~~~The long protracted visit to Vauxhall being at length finally arranged, our party soon found themselves in the midst of this gay and fascinatingscene of amusement. 

"These charming gardens, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "which you mayperhaps have some recollection of upon a masquerade occasion, havinglately fallen into new hands, have assumed, under their direction andmanagement, a new appearance of additional splendour and magnificenceperhaps scarcely ever surpassed, and the present proprietors appear tohave studied the comfort and gratification of their visitors as well astheir own advantage; but of this we shall be better judges before thenight is spent. "

"Right, " replied Sparkle, "I am not fond of far fetched descriptions, which may upon investigation prove to have originated more in theimagination of the author than in reality to exist. "

"At all events, " continued Tom, "the Gardens themselves are beautifuland extensive, and contain a variety of walks, which, if but tastefullyilluminated, and attended by rank, fashion, and beauty, can never failto be attractive. "

~~335~~~ Our heroes rushed forward to the splendid scene of enchantment, which had drawn forth the previous observations, mingling with thecrowds of well dressed persons, who like themselves were upon the alertto witness this delightful place of summer amusement in the new formwhich it has recently assumed: the virandas tastefully festooned withpainted canvass--the brilliantly illuminated orchestra, and the animatedcountenances of the company, conspired to produce an effect almostinconceivable, while new objects of delight were continually burstingupon their view. The illuminated colonade newly decorated with carvedand painted flowers, fruit, and foliage, and Mr. Singleton's originalwhole length transparent portrait of his Majesty in his coronationrobes, alternately attracted attention, as well as the four cosmoramasconstructed in various parts of the gardens, consisting of some verypretty views of the New Exchange at Paris, scenes in Switzerland, &c. Inthe musical department, Sparkle was much pleased to find some of the oldfavourites, particularly Mr. Charles Taylor and Mrs. Bland, as well aswith the performance of a Miss Graddon, who possesses a rich voice, with considerable power and flexibility, and of Madame Georgina, anEast Indian Lady, who afterwards sung very charmingly in the Rotunda, accompanying herself on the piano forte, in a style which proved her tobe a most skilful performer. 

But the grand subject of their admiration was what is rather affectedlycalled "The Heptaplasiesoptron, " or fancy reflective proscenium, whichis placed in the long room fronting the orchestra of the Rotunda. It is entirely lined with looking glass, and has in all probabilityoriginated in the curious effect produced by the kaleidoscope, and thelooking glass curtains lately exhibited at our theatres. This splendidexhibition is fitted up with ornamented draperies, and presents afountain of real water illuminated, revolving pillars, palm trees, serpents, foliage, and variegated lamps; and the mirrors are so placedas to reflect each object seven times. This novelty appeared to exciteuniversal admiration, inspiring the company with ideas of refreshingcoolness. The bubbling of water, the waving of the foliage, and theseven times reflected effulgence of the lamps, gave the whole anappearance of enchantment, which sets all description at defiance. 

~~336~~~ Having taken a complete circle through this round of delights, interrupted only by the congratulations and inquiries of friends, theappointed hour for exhibiting the fire-works arrived, when they wereadditionally gratified by a display of the most splendid description, and the famous ascent _a la Saqui_ was admirably executed by Longuemarc;after witnessing which, they quickly retired to a box, where they gavedirections for supper. It is but justice to say, that upon this beingfurnished, they found the refreshments to be of the best quality, andsupplied upon moderate terms; the wines by the London Wine Company, andthe viands by Mr. Wayte. 

About two o'clock in the morning, our friends took their departurefrom this romantic spot, after an excursion fraught with pleasure anddelight. 

On the following morning, Sparkle received a letter from Merrywell, with information of the death of his uncle, and of his succession tothe estate, having arrived just in time to prevent his decease without awill. This was a subject of exultation to all the party, though to nonemore so than Sparkle, particularly as the estate alluded to was situatedin the neighbourhood of his own residence. 

"Merrywell, " said Dashall, "will become a gay fellow now, as he willhave ample means, as well as inclination (which I know he has never beenwanting of) to sport his figure in good style, without resorting to anyscheme to keep the game alive. "

"True, " said Sparkle, "without crossing and jostling, and if he hashis own good in view, he will reside chiefly in the country, choosean amiable partner for life, and only pay a visit to the metropolisoccasionally; for to live in this land of temptations, where you canhardly step across the way without getting into error, must be banefulin effect to a young man like him, of an ardent mind. What say you, friend Tallyho?"

"I confess, " replied Bob, "that I entertain thoughts very similarto yours; besides, I apprehend that our old friend Merrywell has hadsufficient experience himself to admit the justice of your observation. "

~~337~~~ "Pshaw, " rejoined Dashall, "you are getting completelyunfashionable. What can be more bang up than a Life in London--high lifeand low life--shake the castor, tip the flash, and nibble the blunt. Look for instance at young Lord Lappit--cares for nothing--all blood andspirit--fire and tow--up to every thing, and down as a hammer. "

"His is a general case, " replied Sparkle, "and is only one amongnumerous others, to prove that many of the disorders which are dailyvisible in high life, may be traced to the education, or rather the wantof education of the youthful nobility and gentry. It would be a shockingand insupportable degradation to send a sprig of fashion to school amongcommon boys, where probably he might learn something really useful. No, no, --he must have a private tutor, who is previously instructed to teachhim nothing more than what will enable him to pass muster, as not quitea fool. Under this guidance, he skims over a few authors almost withoutreading, and at all events without knowing what they have written, merely with a view to acquaint him that there were once such persons inexistence; after which, this tutor accompanies him to one of the publicschools, Westminster, Harrow, or Eton, where the tutor writes histhesis, translates the classics, and makes verses for him, as well ashe is able. In the new situation, the scholar picks up more of thefrailties of the living, than he does of the instructions of departedcharacters. The family connections and the power of purse, with whichthe students are aided, embolden them to assume an unbounded license, and to set at complete defiance all sober rules and regulations; and itmay be justly remarked that our public seminaries are admirably situatedfor the indulgence of their propensities: for instance, WestminsterSchool is fortunately situated in the immediate neighbourhood of afamous place of instruction called Tothill (vulgarly Tuttle) Fields, where every species of refined lewdness and debauchery, and manners themost depraved, are constantly exhibited; consequently they enjoy thegreat advantages of learning the slang language, and of hearing primechaunts, rum glees, and kiddy catches, in the purest and most bang upstyle. He has likewise a fine opportunity of contracting an unalterablepenchant for the frail sisterhood, blue ruin, milling, cock fighting, bull and badger baiting, donkey racing, drinking, swearing, swaggering, and other refined amusements, so necessary to form the character of anaccomplished gentleman. "

~~338~~~ "Again, Harrow School is happily so near to the metropolis, asto afford frequent opportunities for occasional visits to similar scenesof contagion and fashionable dissipation, that the scholars do not failto seek advantages of taking lessons in all those delectable sciences. 

"Eton, it is true, is somewhat farther removed from the nursery ofimprovement, but it is near enough to Windsor, of which place it is notnecessary to say much, for their Bacchanalian and Cyprian orgies, andother fashionable festivities, are well known. So that notwithstandingthey are not in the immediate vicinity of the metropolis, there canscarcely be a doubt of their being able to sport their figures toadvantage, whenever they are let loose upon society. 

"Cambridge is but a short distance from that place of sportingnotoriety, Newmarket, consequently it is next to impossible but that ayouth of an aspiring mind should be up to all the manouvres of a racecourse--understanding betting, hedging off, crossing and jostling, sweating and training--know all the jockeys--how to give or take theodds--lay it on thick, and come it strong. Some have an unconquerableambition to distinguish themselves as a whip, sport their tits in tiptop style, and become proficients in buckish and sporting slang--topitch it rum, and astonish the natives--up to the gab of the cad. Theytake upon themselves the dress and manners of the Varment Club, yetnoted for the appearance of their prads, and the dexterity with whichthey can manage the ribbons, and, like Goldfinch, pride themselves ondriving the long coaches--'mount the box, tip coachee a crown, dashalong at full speed, rattle down the gateway, take care of yourheads--never kill'd but one woman and a child in all my life--that'syour sort. '"

"Fine pictures of a University Education, " said Tom, "but Sparkle alwayswas a good delineator of real character; and there is one thing to besaid, he has been an eye witness of the facts, nay a partaker of thesports. "

"True, " continued Sparkle, "and, like many others, have had somethinglike enjoyment in them too. "

"Aye, aye, no doubt of that, " said Bob, dryly, --"but how does it happenthat you have omitted Oxford altogether?"

~~339~~~ "Nay, " said Sparkle, "there is not much difference in any ofthem. The students hate all learning but that which they acquire in thebrothel, the ring, or the stable. 

They spend their terms somehow or other in or near the University, andtheir vacations at Jackson's Rooms in London; so that they know nothingmore of mathematics than sufficient to calculate odds and chances. This, however, depends upon the wealth of the parties; for notwithstandingthere are some excellent statutes by which they ought to be guided, a nobleman or wealthy commoner is indulged according to his titles orriches, without any regard to the rules and regulations in such casesmade and provided. 

"From this situation they are at length let loose, thoroughlyaccomplished in every thing but what they ought to know. Some make theirappearance as exquisites or dandies--a sort of indescribable being, ifbeing such things may be called. Others take the example of the bangups--make themselves perfect in milling, swearing, greeking, talkingflash, and mail coach driving, until John Doe and Richard Roe drive theminto Abbot's preserve, a circumstance which puts a temporary check uponthe sports--though if the Collegian is but up to the logic, he is verysoon down upon the coves his creditors, {1} bowls them out by harassingexpenses, and walks out himself, up to snuff, and fly. "

 1 Bowls them out by harassing expenses. --A proof of the power which has been exercised under the existing Insolvent Debtor's Act, will be found in the following extract from a daily paper:--

 An unfortunate debtor was opposed in the Insolvent Debtors' Court, for having resisted particular creditors with vexatious law proceedings, sham pleas, &c. The public is not generally aware of the extent to which such vexatious resistance can be carried. In the investigations that have taken place before a Committee of the House of Commons, on the subject of insolvent debtors, Mr. Thomas Clarke, (at the time clerk of the Court, ) stated, that in a debtor's book he found a paper, 'wherein it was pointed out to debtors how to harass creditors. ' He had heard, he said, that it was sold from one prisoner to another, in a printed form, for 6d. Each. That witness then delivered to the committee a book, from which the following extract was read, --it is extracted from the Parliamentary Report:--

 'Law proceedings. --When arrested and held to bail, and after being served with a declaration, you may plead a general issue, which brings you to trial the sooner of any plea that you can put in; but if you want to vex your plaintiff, put in a special plea; and, if in custody, get your attorney to plead in your name, which will cost you 1L. 1s. , your plaintiff, 31L. As expenses. If you do not mean to try the cause, you have no occasion to do so until your plaintiff gets judgment against you; he must, in the term after you put in a special plea, send what is termed the paper book, which you must return with 7s. 6d. Otherwise you will not put him to half the expenses. When he proceeds, and has received a final judgment against you, get your attorney to search the office appointed for that purpose in the Temple, and when he finds that judgment is actually signed, he must give notice to the plaintiff's attorney to attend the master to tax his costs, at which time your attorney must have a writ of error ready, and give it to the plaintiffs attorney before the master, which puts him to a very great expense, as he will have the same charges to go over again. The writ of error will cost you 4L. 4s. If you want to be further troublesome to your plaintiffs, make your writ of error returnable in Parliament, which costs you 8L. 8s. And your plaintiff 100/. Should he have the courage to follow you through all your proceedings, then file a bill in the Exchequer, which will cost about 5L. Or 6L. ; and if he answers it, it will cost him 80L. More. After this you may file a bill in Chancery, which will cost about 10L. ; and if he does not answer this bill, you will get an injunction, and at the same time an attachment from the court against him, and may take his body for contempt of court, in not answering your last bill. You may file your bill in the Court of Chancery, instead of the Exchequer, only the latter costs you the least. If you are at any time served with a copy of a writ, take no further notice of it than by keeping it; when you are declared against, do not fail to put in a special plea immediately, and most likely you will hear no more of the business, as your plaintiff will probably not like to incur any further expense, after having been at so much. '

 Thus a creditor may be put to an expense of three hundred and fourteen pounds, by a debtor, for the small cost of 30L. 10s. And all because the laws allowed him to sue for his own; and if he and his attorney do not keep a sharp look out, the creditor may get committed for 'contempt of court. '

~~341~~~ "I perceive, " said Tom, "that your imagination is flyingaway from your subject; though I admit the justice of your remarks, asgenerally applicable to what is termed the higher ranks of society, and that they are imitated or aped in succession to those of the lowerorders; but we appear to have imperceptibly got into a long descriptiveconversation, instead of pursuing our usual plan of drawing inferencesfrom actual observation. Let us forth and walk awhile. "

"With all my heart, " said Sparkle, "I see you wish to change thesubject: however, I doubt not there will be a time when you will thinkmore seriously, and act more usefully. "

 "Upon my life you are growing sentimental. " "Never mind, " said Bob, "keep your spirits up. "

 "The world's a good thing, oh how sweet and delicious The bliss and delight it contains; Devil a pleasure but fortune crams into our dishes, Except a few torments and pains. 

 Then wine's a good thing, the dear drink's so inviting, Where each toper each care sweetly drowns; Where our friends we so cherish, so love and delight in, Except when we're cracking their crowns. "

By the time Bob had concluded his verse, they were on the move, andtaking their direction through St. James's-street, turning the corner ofwhich, --"there, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "that is the celebrated LordShampetre, of whose name and character you have before heard. "

"Indeed, " said Bob. "Well, I must say, that if I met him in the street, I should have supposed him to be an old clothesman. "

"Hush, " said Sparkle, "don't be too severe in your observations, for Ihave been given to understand his Lordship has expressed his indignationupon a former occasion at such a comparison; though I must acknowledgeit is not altogether an unjust one; and if exalted, I beg pardon, I meanpopular characters, will force themselves into public notice by theirfollies, their vices or their eccentricities, they can have no right tocomplain. "

~~342~~~ "And pray, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "where is one to befound who has made himself more conspicuous than the one in question, and especially by a very recent occurrence. The fashionable worldis full of the subject of his amatory epistles to the sister of acelebrated actress, {1} and her very 'commodious mother;' but I dare say

 1 To elucidate the subject here alluded to, we cannot do better than give insertion to the following police report:--

 PERFIDY AND PROFLIGACY OF A PEER!

 Bow Street. --An application was lately made for a warrant to apprehend Miss B. , the sister of a celebrated actress, for stealing some chimney ornaments and China cups and saucers. The application was made by the mother of the accused, in consequence of her having eloped, and with a view to reclaim her before her ruin should be consummated. The warrant was granted, and in a short time the fair delinquent was led in, resting on the arm of a Mr. B. , well known in the fashionable circles. Mr. C. A solicitor, appeared with the mother, and the property found by the officer; the mother identified it, and stated, that she should be happy to forego the charge, on her daughter consenting to return to her home. The magistrate then called on the accused for her defence, when she asserted that the articles were her own, purchased with money given to her by her friends. In corroboration, she called the servant, who spoke to a conversation, in which Mrs. B. Blamed her daughter for spending her money so foolishly; and declared that the things were always considered to belong to the daughter, and were given up without the slightest objection when she applied for them in the name of Miss B. This statement produced a desultory conversation, which was terminated by the solicitor remarking, that the principal object, the return of Miss B. , had been lost sight of. Mr. B. Then said, he had paid for the education and every charge of Miss B. For the last two years. He challenged inquiry into his conduct, which would be found to have arisen from the most honourable feelings, when he should prove that Miss B. Had sought his protection from the persecution of Lord P. , who had been sanctioned in his dishonourable overtures by her mother. When personal insult had been used, she fled to him; he hired lodgings and a trusty servant for her. A number of Lord P. 's letters were then read, which abounded in vicious ideas, obscenities, and gross figures sketched with the pen. Miss B. , then in tears, stated, that she had been shut up with Lord P. With her mother's knowledge, when indecent attacks were made by him upon her on a sofa; and that her mother urged her to become his mistress, saying she should have an allowance of 500L. A-year. The mother strongly denied these assertions, and, after the magistrate had animadverted on the alleged disgraceful conduct of the mother, if true, the affair was settled by Miss B. (only 16, ) being put under the care of a female friend, agreeable to both parties, Mr. B. To pay all the expenses. 

 Having thus given an account of the affair, as related in most of the daily papers, we think it right to add the following by way of elucidation. 

 The young lady is Miss B--rt--l--zzi, daughter of a late cele-brated engraver of that name, and younger sister of an actress on the boards of Old Drury, who has obtained great notoriety for a pretty face, a roving eye, a fine set of teeth, a mellow voice, and an excessive penchant for appearing before the public in breeches--Macheath and Don Giovanni to wit. 'Mr. B. , ' the gentleman under whose protection she is living, or rather was living, is a gentleman of large West India possessions, who some time ago immortalized himself in a duel about a worthless woman, with Lord C--If--d, in which duel he had the honour of sending his lordship to his account with all his 'imperfections on his head. ' The third party, 'Lord P. , ' is a nobleman, whose chief points are a queer-shaped hat, long shirt sleeves, exquisitely starched, very white gloves, a very low cabriolet, and a Lord George Gordon-ish affectation of beard. We do not know that he is distinguished for any thing else. For the fourth party--the young lady's mamma, she is, -- what she is; a rather elderly personage, remarkably commodious, very discreet, 'and all that sort of thing. ' We could not help admiring her commodiousness when she accompanied Lord P. And her daughter to Drury-lane Theatre, the last time the King was there. It was almost equal to his Lordship's assiduity, and the young lady's _ennui_. 

~~343~~~ his Lordship is displeased with no part of the eclat, except thequiz that his liberal offer of £500. Would be about £25. Per annum, or9s. 7d. A week--a cheap purchase of a young lady's honour, and thereforea good bargain. "

"I believe, " continued Sparkle, "there is little about him, either as toperson or to character, which entitles him to occupy more of our time, which may be better devoted to more agreeable and deserving subjects. "

"Apropos, " said Dashall, taking Sparkle at his word, "do you observe aperson on the other side of the way with a blue nose and a green coat, cut in the true jockey style, so as to render it difficult toascertain whether he is a gentleman or a gentleman's groom? That is Mr. Spankalong, who has a most unconquerable attachment to grooms, coachmen, and stable assistants; whose language and manners it is one of theprincipal studies of his life to imitate. He prides himself on being agood driver of four in hand, and tickling the tits along the road in amail carriage, is the _ne plus ultra_ of his ambition. He will take ajourney of an hundred miles out of town, merely to meet and drive upa mail coach, paying for his own passage, and feeing the coachmen fortheir permission. Disguised in a huge white coat, with innumerable capesand mother o'pearl buttons, he seats himself on the box--Elbows square, wrists pliant--all right--Hayait--away they go. He takes his glass ofgin and bitters on the ~~344~~~ road--opens the door for the passengersto get in--with 'now my masters--you please;' and seems quite as muchat home as Mr. Matthews at the Lyceum, with 'all that sort of thing, andevery thing in the world. ' He is, however, not singular in his taste, for many of our hereditary statesmen are to be found among this class, save and except that he carries his imitations to a farther extent thanany person I ever knew; and it is a fact, that he had one of his foreteeth punched out, in order to enable the noble aspirant to give thetrue coachman's whistle, and to spit in a Jehu-like manner, so as toproject the saliva from his lips, clear of the cattle and traces, intothe hedge on the near side of the road. "

"Accomplishments that are truly deserving the best considerations of anoble mind, " rejoined Tallyho. 

"And absolutely necessary to the finished gentleman of the present day, of course, " continued Sparkle; "and as I have not had a lounge in theseCorinthian regions for some little time, I am glad to be thus furnishedwith a key to characters that may be new to me. "

"There is one on the opposite side of the way not altogether new, as hehas made some noise in the world during his time--I mean the gentlemanwhose features exhibit so much of the rouge--it is the celebrated SirGeorge Skippington, formerly well known in Fop's Alley, and at theOpera; not so much on account of his elegant person, lively wit, or polished address, as for his gallantries, and an extraordinaryaffectation of dress, approaching very nearly to the ridiculous, thechief part of his reputation being derived from wearing a pea-greencoat, and pink silk stockings: he has, however, since that time becomea dramatic writer, or at least a manufacturer of pantomime and shew;and--ah, but see--speaking of writers--here we have a Hook, from whichis suspended a certain scandalous Journal, well known for its dastardlyattacks upon private character, and whose nominal conductors are at thismoment in durance vile; but a certain affair in the fashionable way ofdefaulting, has brought him down a peg or two. His ingenuity has beendisplayed on a variety of occasions, and under varying circumstances. His theatrical attempts have been successful, and at Harrow he wascalled the Green Man, in consequence of his affected singularity ofwearing a complete suit of clothes of that colour. He appears to actat all times upon the favourite recommendation of Young Rapid, 'keepmoving;' for he is always in motion, in consequence of which it is said, that Lord Byron wittily remarked, 'he certainly was not the Green Manand Still. '"{1}

 1 The Green Man and Still in the well known sign of a pubic-house in Oxford Road. 

~~345~~~ "Why, " cried Bob, "there seems to be as little of still lifeabout him just now, as there is about Hookey Walker. But pray who isthat dingy gentleman who passed us within the last minute, and whoappeared to be an object of attraction to some persons on the oppositeside--he appears to have been cut out for a tailor. "

"That, " replied Tom, "is a Baronet and cornuto, who married the handsomedaughter of a great Marquis. She, however, turned out a completetermagant, who one day, in the heat of her rage, d------d her rib fora sneaking puppy, dashed a cup of coffee in his face, and immediatelyafter flew for protection to a Noble Lord, who entertained a penchantfor her. This, however, proved to be a bad speculation on her part; andhaving seriously reflected on the consequences of such conduct, she madeher appearance again at her husband's door a few nights afterwards, andin the spirit of contrition sought forgiveness, under a promise of nevertransgressing any more, little doubting but her claim to admission wouldbe allowed. Here, however, it seems she had reckoned without herhost, --for the Baronet differing in opinion, would not listen to herproposition: her entreaties and promises were urged in vain, and thedeserted though still _cara sposa_, has kept the portals of his door, aswell as the avenues to his heart, completely closed to her since. "

At this moment they were interrupted by the approach of a gaily dressedyoung man, who seizing Dashall by the hand, and giving him a heartyshake, exclaimed, --

"Ha, my dear fellow, what Dashall, and as I live, Mr. Sparkle, you arethere too, are you: d------me, what's the scent--up to any thing--goingany where--or any thing to do--eh--d------me. "

"Quite _ad libitum_, " replied Dashall, "happy to see Gayfield well andin prime twig, --allow me to introduce my Cousin, Robert Tallyho, Esq. "

"You do me proud, my dear fellow. Any thing new--can't live withoutnovelty--who's up, who's down--what's the wonder of the day--how doesthe world wag--where is the haven of destination, and how do you weatherthe point. "

~~346~~~ "Zounds, " replied Tom, "you ask more questions in a breath thanwe three can answer in an hour. "

"Never mind--don't want you to answer; but at all events must havesomething to say--hate idleness either in speech or action--hate talkingin the streets, can't bear staring at like a new monument or a statue. Talking of statues--I have it--good thought, go see Achilles, theladies man--eh! what say you. D------me, made of cannons and othercombustibles--Waterloo to wit--Come along, quite a bore to standstill--yea or nay, can't wait. "

"With all my heart, " said Sparkle, twitching Dashall by the arm, "itis quite new since my departure from town; "and joining arms, theyproceeded towards the Park. 

"Been out of town, " continued Gayfield, --"thought so--lost you allat once--glad you have not lost yourself. Any thing new in thecountry--always inquire--can't live without novelty--go to see everything and every body, every where. Nothing new in the papers--Irishdistresses old, but very distressing for a time: how the devil can youlive in the country--can't imagine. "

"And I apprehend, " replied Sparkle, "it will be of little use toexplain; for a gentleman of so much information as yourself must knowevery thing. "

"Good, but severe--never mind, I never trouble my head with otherpeople's thoughts--always think for myself, let others do as they like. Hate inquisitive people, don't choose to satisfy all inquirers. Neverask questions of any one, don't expect answers. Have you seen thecelebrated ventriloquist, Alexandre, --the Egyptian Tomb, --the------"

Sparkle could hold no longer: the vanity and egotism of this everlastingprater, this rambler from subject to subject, without manner, method, or even thought, was too much; and he could not resist the temptation tolaugh, in which he was joined by Tom and Bob. 

~~347~~~ "What is the matter, " inquired Gayfield, unconscious of beingthe cause of their risibility. "I see nothing to laugh at, d------me, but I do love laughing, so I'll enjoy a little with you at all events;"and immediately he became a participator in their mirth, to theinexpressible delight of his companions; "but, " continued he, "I seenothing to laugh at, and it is beneath the character of a philosopher tolaugh at any thing. "

"Never mind, " said Dashall, "we are not of that description--and wesometimes laugh at nothing, which I apprehend is the case in the presentinstance. "

"I perfectly agree with the observation, " rejoined Sparkle; "it is acase in point, and very well pointed too. "

"Nothing could be better timed, " said Tallyho. 

"What than a horse laugh in the public streets! D------d vulgarreally---quite _outre_, as we say. No, no, you ought to considerwhere you are, what company you are in, and never laugh without a goodmotive--what is the use of laughing. "

"A philosopher, " said Tom Dashall, "need scarcely ask such a question. The superiority of his mind ought to furnish a sufficient answer. "

"Then I perceive you are not communicative, and I always like to beinformed; but never mind, here we shall have something to entertain us. "

"And at least, " said Sparkle, "that is better than nothing. "

The observation, however, was lost upon the incorrigible fribble, whoproduced his snuff-box, and took a pinch, with an air that discoveredthe diamond ring upon his finger--pulled up his shirt collar--and at thesame time forced down his waistcoat; conceiving no doubt that by suchmeans he increased his consequence, which however was wholly lost uponhis companions. 

"And this, " said Sparkle, "is the so much talked of statue ofAchilles--The Wellington Trophy--it is placed in a very conspicuoussituation, however--and what says the pedestal--

 TO ARTHUR DUKE OF WELLINGTON, AND HIS BRAVE COMPANIONS IN ARMS, THIS STATUE OF ACHILLES, CAST FROM CANNON TAKEN IN THE VICTORIES OF SALAMANCA, VITTORIA, TOULOUSE, AND WATERLOO IS INSCRIBED BY THEIR COUNTRYWOMEN. 

~~348~~~ "Beautiful, " said Gayfield--"Elegant--superb. " "Bold, " saidDashall, "but not very delicate. " "A naked figure, truly, " continuedBob, "in a situation visited by the first circles of rank and fashion, is not to be considered as one of the greatest proofs either of modestyor propriety; but perhaps these ideas, as in many other instances, are exploded, or they are differently understood to what they wereoriginally. A mantle might have been thought of by the ladies, if notthe artist. "

"For my part, " said Sparkle, "I see but little in it to admire. "

During this conversation, Gayfield was dancing round the figure with hisquizzing glass in his hand, examining it at all points, and appearing tobe highly amused and delighted. 

"It affords opportunities for a variety of observations, " said Dashall, "and, like many other things, may perhaps be a nine days wonder. Thepublic prints have been occupied upon the subject for a few days, and Iknow of but one but what condemns it upon some ground or other. "{1}

 1 In all probability the following remarks will be sufficient to make our readers acquainted with this so much talked of statue:--

 Kensington Gardens and the Park. --From three to seven o'clock on Sunday, the gardens were literally crowded to an over-How with the _élite_ of the fashionable world. The infinite variety of shape and colour displayed in the female costume, the loveliness and dignity of multitudes of the fair wearers, and the serene brilliancy of the day, altogether surpassed any thing we have hitherto witnessed there. 

 There was nothing on the drive in the Park except carriages and horsemen, dashing along to the gardens; and as to the 'Wellington promenade, ' it was altogether neglected. Whether it was that the 'naked majesty' of Achilles frightened the people away, or whether the place and its accompaniments were too garish for such weather, we know not, but certainly it seemed to be avoided most cautiously; with the exception of some two or three dozen Sunday-strollers, yawning upon the Anglo-Greco-Pimlico-hightopoltical statue above mentioned. It was curious enough to hear the remarks made by some of these good folks upon this giant exotic--this Greek prototype of British prowess. 'Well, I declare!' said a blooming young Miss, as she endeavoured to scan its brawny proportions, 'Well, I declare! did ever any body see the like!'--'Come along, Martha, love, ' rejoined her scarlet- faced mamma; 'Come along, I say!--I wonder they pulled the tarpoling off before the trowsers were ready. ' 'What a great green monster of a man it is, ' exclaimed a meagre elderly lady, with a strong northern accent, to a tall bony red-whiskered man, who seemed to be her husband--'Do na ye think 'twad a looked mair dedicate in a kilt?' 'Whist!' replied the man; and, without uttering another syllable, he turned upon his heel and dragged the wonder-ing matron away. 'La, ma, is that the Dook O' Vellunton vat stand up there in the sunshine?' 'Hold your tongue, Miss--little girls must not ask questions about them sort of things. ' 'Be th' powers!' said one of three sturdy young fellows, as they walked round till they got to sunward of it. ' Be th' powers, but he's a jewel of a fellow; ounly its not quite dacent to be straddling up there without a shirt--is it Dennis?' 'Gad's blood man!' replied Dennis, rather angrily, 'Gad's blood man! dacency's quite out of the question in matters o' this kind, ye see. ' ''Faith, and what do they call it?' asked the other. 'Is it--what do they call it?' re-joined Dennis, who seemed to consider himself a bit of a wag--'Why they mane to call it the Ladies' Fancy, to be sure!' and away they all went, 'laughing like so many horses, ' as the German said, who had heard talk of a horse-laugh. Some of the spectators compared the shield to a parasol without a handle; others to a pot-lid; and one a sedate-looking old woman, observing the tarpawling still covering the legs and lower part of the thighs, remarked to her companion, that she supposed they had been uncovering it by degrees, in order to use the people to the sight gradually. In short, poor Achilles evidently caused more surprise than admiration, and no small portion of ridicule. But then this was among the vulgar. No doubt the fashionable patronesses of the thing may view it with other eyes. 

~~349~~~ On their return from the Park, our party looked in atTattersal's, where it proved to be settling day. Dashall and his Cousinhad previously made a trip to Ascot Races, to enjoy a day's sport, andwere so fortunate as to let in a knowing one for a considerable sum, bytaking the long odds against a favourite horse. They therefore expectednow to toutch the blunt, and thus realize the maxim of the poet, by"uniting profit and delight in one. "

[Illustration: page349 Ascot Races]

"Yonder, " says Dashall, pointing out to his Cousin a very stout man, "is H. R. H. ; he is said to have been a considerable winner, both at thelate, as well as Epsom races; but the whole has since vanished atplay, with heavy additions, and the black legs are now enjoying a richharvest. The consequences have been, not only the sale of the fineestate of O--t--ds by the hammer, but even the family plate and personalproperty have been knocked down to the highest bidders, at Robbins'sRooms. "

"I should have expected, " replied Bob, "that so much fatal experience, which is said to make even fools wise, would have taught a usefullesson, and restrained this gambling propensity, however violent. "

~~350~~~ "Psha, man, " continued his Cousin, "you are a novice indeed tosuppose any thing of the kind. No one uninitiated in these mysteries, can form an idea of the inextricable labyrinth, or the powerful spellwhich binds the votaries of play; and unfortunately this fatal passionseems to pervade in an unusual degree our present nobility: indeed itmay be said there are comparatively but few of the great families whoare not either reduced to actual poverty, or approximating towards it, in consequence of the inordinate indulgence of this vice. "

 THE WELLINGTON TROPHY; or, LADIES' MAN{1}

 Air--'Oh, the Sight entrancing. ' Oh, the sight entrancing, To see Achilles dancing, {2} Without a shirt Or Highland skirt, {3} "Where ladies' eyes are glancing:

 1 We are told that this gigantic statue is a most astonishing work of art, cast from the celebrated statue of Achilles, on the Quirinal Hill; and the inscription on it informs us, that the erection of it was paid for by the ladies of England, to commemorate the manly energy of the Duke of Wellington and his brave companions in arms. To call it, therefore, the 'Ladies' Man, ' is merely out of compliment to such as patronised the undertaking; and here we wish it to be particularly understood that we do not sanction the word naked as a correct term (although that term is universally applied to it), inasmuch as this statue is not naked, the modest artist having, at the suggestion of these modest ladies, taken the precaution of giving Achilles a covering, similar to that which Adam and Eve wore on their expulsion from Eden. 

 2 The attitude of the statue is so questionable as to have already raised many opposite hypotheses as to what it is really intended to represent. Mr. Ex-Sheriff Parkins has, with very laudable ingenuity and classical taste, discovered that the figure is nothing more nor less than a syce, or running groom; just such a one, the worthy ex- sheriff adds, as used to accompany him in India, when engaged in a hunting party, and who, when he grew tired, used to lay hold of the ex-sheriff's horse's tail, in order to keep up with his master. The author of the Travestie, however, has hit upon another solution of the attitude, still more novel, and equally probable, namely, that of dancing, for which he expects to gain no inconsiderable share of popularity. 

 3 Without a shirt or Highland skirt!--It is really entertaining to see what a refinement of criticism has been displayed upon the defects of this incomparable statue. Some have abused the hero for being shirtless, and said it was an abomination to think that a statue in a state of nudity (much larger than life, too!) should be stuck up in Hyde Park, where every lady's eye must glance, however repugnant it might be to their ideas of modesty. But did not the ladies themselves order and pay for the said statue? Is it not an emblem of their own pure taste? Then, as for putting on Achilles a kelt or short petticoat (called by the poet a Highland skirt), oh, shocking I it is not only unclassical, but it would have destroyed the effect of the thing altogether. To be sure, it would not be the first time that Achilles wore a petticoat, for, if we are rightly informed, his mother, Thetis, disguised him in female apparel, and hid him among the maidens at the court of Lycomedes, iu order to prevent his going to the siege of Troy; but that wicked wag, Ulysses, calling on the said maidens to pay his respects, discovered Mister Achilles among them, and made him join his regiment. 

 Each widow's heart is throbbing, Each married lady sobbing, While little miss Would fain a kiss Be from Achilles robbing!' Then, oh, the sight entrancing, To see Achilles dancing, Without a shirt Or Highland skirt, Where ladies' eyes are glancing. 

 Oh, 'tis not helm or feather, Or breeches made of leather, That gave delight, By day or night, Or draw fair crowds together. {2} Let those wear clothes who need e'm; Adorn but max with freedom, {3} Then, light or dark, They'll range the Park, And follow where you lead 'em. For, oh, the sight's entrancing, To see Achilles dancing, Without a shirt Or Highland skirt, Where ladies' eyes are glancing. 

 1 If we could only insert one hundredth part of what has been said by widows, wives, and maids on this interesting subject during the present week, we are quite sure our readers would acquit us of having overcharged the picture, or even faintly delineated it. 

 2 We certainly must differ with the author here: in our humble opinion, helmets, feathers, leather breeches, &c. Have a wonderful effect in drawing crowds of the fair sex together--at a grand review, for instance. 

 3 This line, it is hoped, will be understood literally. The words are T. Moore's, and breathe the spirit of liberty--not licentiousness. 

~~352~~~ Having succeeded in their object, Dashall and his Cousinpursued their course homeward; and thus terminated another day spent inthe developement of Real Life in the British Metropolis. 

 But still the muse beseeches If this epistle reaches Achilles bold, In winter cold, That he would wear his breeches:{1} For though in sultry weather, He needs not cloth nor leather, Yet frosts may mar What's safe in war, {2] And ruin all together. 

 But still the sight's entrancing, To see Achilles dancing Without a shirt Or Highland skirt, Where ladies' eyes are glancing. 

 1 The last verse must be allowed to be truly considerate, nay, kind--that the ladies will be equally kind and considerate to poor Achilles as the poet is, must be the wish of every one who has witnessed the perilous situation in which he is placed. 

 2 Achilles was a great favourite with the ladies from his very birth. He was a fine strapping boy; and his mother was so proud of him, that she readily encountered the danger of being drowned in the river Styx herself, that she might dip her darling in it, and thereby render him invulnerable. Accordingly, every part of the hero was safe, except his heel by which his mother held him amidst the heat of battle; and, like his renowned antitype, the immortal Duke of Wellington, he was never wounded. But, at length, when Achilles was in the Temple, treating about his marriage with Philoxena, daughter of Priam, the brother of Hector let fly an arrow at his vulnerable heel, and did his business in a twinkling. 

We cannot quit this subject without paying a compliment to the virtuesof the Court. We understand there has not been one royal carriage seenin the Park since the erection of the statue; and if report speaks true, the Marchioness of C-----m's delicacy is so shocked, that she intends toquit Hamilton Place, which is close by, as early as a more modest sitecan be chosen!

CHAPTER XXV

 Lack a day! what a gay What a wonderful great town! In each street, thousands meet, All parading up and down. Crossing--jostling--strutting--running, Hither--thither--going--coming; Hurry--scurry--pushing--driving, Ever something new contriving. Oh! what a place, what a strange London Town, On every side, both far and wide, we hear of its renown. 

~~353~~~Escorting to the ever-varying promenade of fashion, the Hon. Tom Dashalland his Cousin Bob, whose long protracted investigation of Life inLondon was now drawing to a close, proceeded this morning to amusethemselves with another lounge in Bond-street: this arcadia of dignifiedequality was thronged, the carriage-way with dashing equipages, andthe pave with exquisite pedestrians. Here was one rouged and whiskered;there another in petticoats and stays, while his sister, like an Amazon, shewed her nether garments half way to the knee. Then "passed smilingby" a Corinthian bear, in an upper benjamin and a Jolliffe shallow. Anoted milliner shone in a richer pelisse than the Countess, whom the daybefore she had cheated out of the lace which adorned it. The gentlemanwith the day-rule, in new buckskins and boots, and mounted on athorough-bred horse, quizzed his retaining creditor, as he trotted alongwith dusty shoes and coat; the "lady of easy virtue" stared her keeper'swife and daughter out of countenance. The man milliner's shop-boy, _enpassant_, jogged the duke's elbow; and the dandy pickpocket lisped andminced his words quite as well as my lord. 

Tom pointed out some of the more dashing exhibitants; and Bob inquiringthe name of a fine woman, rather _en bon point_, with a French face, whowas mounted on a chesnut hunter, and whom he had never before seen inthe haunts ~~354~~~ of fashion--"That lady, " said he, "goes by the nameof _Speculator_; her real name is Mademoiselle Leverd, of the TheatreFrançais at Paris: she arrived in this country a month since, to"have an opportunity of displaying her superior talents; though itis whispered that the object of her journey was not altogether in thepursuit of her profession, but for the purpose of making an importantconquest. "

"And who is that charming woman, " continued Bob, "in the curricle nextto L------d F------?"

"That, " returned Tom, "is Mrs. Orbery Hunter. The beautiful man nextyou, is the "commercial dandy, " or as Lord G----l styles him, Apollo;and his Lordship is a veracious man, on which account R------ callsG------ his lyre. "

"Ah, do you see that dashing fellow in the Scotch cloak, attended bya lad with his arm in a sling? That is the famous Sir W. M------, whodoubles his income by gambling speculations; and that's one of hisdecoys, to entrap young country squires of fortune to dine with him, and be fleeced. In return, he is to marry him (on condition of receiving£100. For every thousand) to an heiress, the daughter of his countrybanker. "

"Why, all the first whips in the female world are abroad to-day. Thereis the flower of green Erin, Lady Foley. See with what style she fingersthe ribbans. Equally dexterous at the use of whip and tongue; woe to thewight who incurs the lash of either. 

"That reverend divine in the span new dennet and the Jolliffe shallow, who squares his elbows so knowingly, as he rubs on his bit of blood, isParson A------. He is the proprietor of the temple of gaming iniquity, at No. 6, Pall Mall. He is a natural son of Lord B------re, by whomhe was brought up, liberally educated, and presented with churchpreferments of considerable value. He married, in early life, thecelebrated singer, Miss M--h--n, whom he abandoned, with his infantfamily. This lady found a protector for herself and children in theperson of the Rev. Mr. P------s, and having since obtained a divorcefrom her former husband, has been married to him. The parson boasts ofhis numerous amours, and, a few years since, took the benefit of theact. Before he ventured upon the splendid speculations at the GothicHall, with F------r T------n, Mr. Charles S------, and Lord D------, he used to frequent the most notorious g------g houses, ~~355~~~occasionally picking up a half crown as the pigeons were knocked downby the more wealthy players. But, chousing his colleagues out of theirshares, and getting the Gothic Hall into his own hands, he has becomethe great man you see, and may truly be called by the title of autocratof all the Greeks. 

"And who, " inquired Bob, "is that gay careless young fellow in theStanhope, who sits so easy while his horse plunges?"

"That, " replied Tom, "is the Hon. And Rev. Fitz S------, with the bestheart, best hand, and the best leg in Bond-street. He is really one ofthe most fascinating men in polished society, and withal, the bestjudge of a horse at Tattersalls, of a dennet at Long Acre, or a segar inMaiden Lane. "

"You need not tell me who that is on the roan horse, with red whiskersand florid complexion. (The Earl of Y------, of course). Madame B. Tells a curious story of him and a filly belonging to Prince Paul. HisLordship had a great desire to ride the said filly, and sent Madam B. To know the terms. 'Well!' said his Lordship, when she returned--'Fiftypounds, ' she replied. --'Hem!' said his lordship, 'I will wait till nextyear, and can have her for five-and-twenty. '"

"By this hand, another female equestrian _de figure_. ' That tall youngwoman on the chesnut, is Lady Jane P------, sister of Lord U------. Theysay, that she has manifested certain pawnbroking inclinations, and hasshewn a partiality in partnership at Almack's, to the golden balls. "That fine young woman, leaning out of the carriage window, whose glossyringlets are of the true golden colour, so much admired by the dandiesof old Rome, is his Lordship's wife. He's not with her. But you know heshot Honey at Cumberland Gate, when he was two hundred miles off, andtherefore he may be in the carriage, though he's away. 

"The person in the shabby brown coat is the Duke of Argyle. The pairof horses that draw his carriage is the only job that Argyle evercondescended to engage in. "

"And who is that fat ruddy gentleman, in the plain green coat, and thegroom in grey?"

~~356~~~ "What, you're not up to the change of colour? That's our oldfriend the Duke again, and the grey livery augurs, (if I mistake not), a visit to Berkeley square. His R------ H------ must take good care, or that bit of blood will be seized while standing at the door of theCirce, as his carriage was the other day, by the unceremonious nabman. But that's nothing to what used to occur to the Marquis of W------. Theysay, that if he deposited a broach, a ring, or a watch upon his table, a hand and arm, like that of a genius in a fairy tale, was seen tointroduce itself _bon-gre, mal-gre_, through the casement, and instantlythey became 'scarce. '"

"But I have heard, " said Bob, "of a fashionable nabman asking the Dukethe time, and politely claiming the watch as soon as it was visible. "

The most prominent characters of the lounge had now disappeared, andTom and Bob pursuing their course, found themselves in a few minutes inCovent Garden, from whence, nothing occurring of notice, they directedtheir steps towards Bow-street, with the view of deriving amusement fromthe proceedings of justice in the principal office on the establishmentof the metropolitan police, and in this anticipation they were notdisappointed. {1}

 1 More Life in St. Giles's. --Mr. Daniel Sullivan, of Tottenham Court Road, green-grocer, fruiterer, coal and potatoe merchant, salt lish and Irish pork-monger, was brought before the magistrate on a peace-warrant, issued at the suit of his wife, Mrs. Mary Sullivan. Mrs. Sullivan is an Englishwoman, who married Mr. Sullivan for love, and has been "blessed with many children by him. " But notwithstanding she appeared before the magistrate with her face all scratched and bruised, from the eyes downward to the tip of her chin; all which scratches and bruises, she said, were the handy-work of her husband. 

 The unfortunate Mary, it appeared, married Mr. Sullivau about seven years ago; at which time he was as polite a young Irishman as ever handled a potatoe on this side the Channel; he had every thing snug and comfortable about him, and his purse and his person, taken together, were "ondeniable. " She herself was a young woman genteely brought up--abounding in friends and acquaintance, and silk gowns, with three good bonnets always in use, and black velvet shoes to correspond. Welcome wherever she went, whether to dinner, tea, or supper, and made much of by every body. St. Giles' bells rang merrily at their wedding--a fine fat leg of mutton and capers, plenty of pickled salmon, three ample dishes of salt fish and potatoes, with pies, pudding and porter of the best, were set forth for the bridal supper; all the most "considerablest" families in Dyott Street and Church Lane, were invited, and every thing promised a world of happiness--and for five long years they were happy. She loved, as Lord Byron would say, "she loved and was beloved; she adored and she was worshipped;" but Mr. Sullivau was too much like the hero of the Lordship's tale--his affections could not "hold the bent, " and the sixth year had scarcely commenced, when poor Mary discovered that she had "outlived his liking. " From that time to the present he had treated her continually with the greatest cruelty; and, at last, when by this means he had reduced her from a comely young person to a mere handful of a poor creature, he beat her, and turned her out of doors. 

 This was Mrs. Sullivan's story; and she told it with such pathos, that all who heard it pitied her, except her husband. 

 It was now Mr. Sullivan's turn to speak. Whilst his wife was speaking, he had stood with his back towards her, his arms folded across his breast to keep down his choler; biting his lips and staring at the blank wall; but the moment she had ceased, he abruptly turned round, and, curiously enough, asked the magistrate whether Mistress Sullivau had done spaking. 

 "She has, " replied his worship; "but suppose you ask her whether she has any thing more to say. "

 "I shall, Sir!" exclaimed the angry Mr. Sullivan. "Mistress Sullivan, had you any more of it to say '!"

 Mrs. Sullivan raised her eyes to the ceiling, clasped her hands together, and was silent. 

 "Very well, then, " he continued, "will I get lave to spake, your Honour?"

 His Honour nodded permission, and Mr. Sullivan immediately began a defence, to which it is impossible to do justice; so exuberantly did he suit the action to the word, and the word to the action. "Och! your Honour, there is something the matter with me!" he began; at the same time putting two of his fingers perpendicularly over his forehead, to intimate that Mrs. Sullivan played him false. He then went into a long story about a "Misther Burke, " who lodged in his house, and had taken the liberty of assisting him in his conjugal duties, "without any lave from him at all at all. " It was one night in partickler, he said, that he went to bed betimes in the little back parlour, quite entirely sick with the head-ache. Misther Burke was out from home, and when the shop was shut up, Mrs. Sullivan went out too; but he didn't much care for that, ounly he thought she might as well have staid at home, and so he couldn't go to sleep for thinking of it. "Well, at one o'clock in the morning, " he continued, lower-ing his voice into a sort of loud whisper; "at one o'clock in the morn-ing Misther Burke lets himself in with the key that he had, and goes up to bed--and I thought nothing at all; but presently I hears something come tap, tap, tap, at the street door. The minute after comes down Misther Burke, and opens the door, and sure it was Mary-- Mistress Sullivan that is, more's the pity--and devil a bit she came to see after me at all in the little back parlour, but up stairs she goes after Misther Burke. Och! says 1, but there's some-thing the matter with me this night! and I got up with the night-cap o' th' head of me, and went into the shop to see for a knife, but I couldn't get one by no manes. So I creeps up stairs, step by step, step by step, " (here Mr. Sullivan walked on tiptoe all across the office, to show the magistrate how quietly he went up the stairs), "and when I gets to the top I sees 'em, by the gash (gas) coming through the chink in the window curtains; I sees 'em, and 'Och, Mistress Sullivan!' says he: and 'Och, Misther Burke, ' says she:--and och! botheration, says I to myself, and what shall I do now?" We cannot follow Mr. Sullivan any farther in the detail of his melancholy affair; it is sufficient that he saw enough to convince him that he was dishonoured: that, by some accident or other, he disturbed the guilty pair, whereupon Mrs. Sullivan crept under Mr. Burke's bed, to hide herself; that Mr. Sullivan rushed into the room, and dragged her from under the bed, by her "wicked leg;" and that he felt about the round table in the corner, where Mr. Burke kept his bread and cheese, in the hope of finding a knife. 

 "And what would you have done with it, if you had found it?" asked his worship. 

 "Is it what I would have done with it, your honour asks?" exclaimed Mr. Sullivan, almost choked with rage--"Is it what I would have done with it?--ounly that I'd have digged it into the heart of 'em at the same time!" As he said this, he threw himself into an attitude of wild desperation, and made a tremendous lunge, as if in the very act of slaughter. 

 To make short of a long story, he did not find the knife; Mr. Burke barricadoed himself in his room, and Mr. Sullivan turned his wife out of doors. 

 The magistrate ordered him to find bail to keep the peace towards his wife and all the King's subjects, and told him, that if his wife was indeed what he had represented her to be, he must seek some less violent mode of separation than the knife. 

 There not being any other case of interest, Tom and Bob left the office, not, however, without a feeling of commiseration for Mr. Sullivan, whose frail rib and her companion in iniquity, now that the tables were turned against them by the injured husband's "plain unvarnished tale, " experienced a due share of reprobation from the auditory. 

~~558~~~ Pursuing their course homeward through St. James'-square:"Who have we here?" exclaimed Tom; "as I live, no other than thelofty Honoria, an authoress, a wit and an eccentric; a combinationof qualities which frequently contribute to convey the possessor to agarret, and thence to an hospital or poor house. It is not uncommon tofind attic salt in the first floor from heaven, but rather difficultto find the occupier enabled to procure salt whereby to render porridgepalateable. The lady Honoria, who has just passed, resides in a lodgingin Mary-le-bone. She having mistaken stature for beauty, and attitudefor greatness, a tune on her lute for fascination, a few strangeopinions and out of the way sayings for genius, a masculine appearancefor attraction, and bulk for irresistibility, came on a cruise to Londonwith a view to call at C------House, where she conceived she might betreated like a Princess. 

"She fondly fancied that a certain dignified personage who relieved herdistress, could not but be captivated with the very description of her;in consequence of which, she launched into expenses which she was butill able to bear, and now complains of designs formed against her and ofall sorts of fabulous nonsense. It must, however, be acknowledged, thatan extraordinary taste for fat, has been a great som-ce of inconvenienceto the illustrious character alluded to, for corpulent women have beenin the habit of daily throwing themselves in his way under some pretenceor other; and if he but looked at them, they have considered themselvesas favourites, and in the high road to riches and fame. 

"It is well known that a certain French woman, with long flowing blackhair, who lived not an hundred miles from Pimlico, was one who fell intothis error. Her weight is about sixteen stone--and on that account shesets herself down as this illustrious person's mistress; nay, because hesaw her once, she took expensive lodgings, ran deeply in debt, and nowabuses the great man because he has not provided for her in a princelystyle, "_pour se beaux yeux_;" for it must be admitted, that she can boastas fine a pair of black eyes as ever were seen. The circumstance ofthis taste for materialism, is as unfortunate to the possessor, as aconvulsive nod of the head once was to a rich gentleman, who was neverwithout being engaged in some law suit or other, for lots knocked downto him at auctions, owing to his incessant and involuntary noddings atthese places. The fat ladies wish the illustrious amateur to pay forpeeping, just as the crafty knights of the hammer endeavoured to makethe rich gentleman pay for his nodding at them. "

"Fat, fair, and forty, then, " said Sparkle, "does not appear to beforgotten. "

~~360~~~ "No, " was the reply, "nor is it likely: the wits of London areseldom idle upon subjects of importance: take for instance the followinglines:--

 "When first I met thee, FAT and fair, With forty charms about thee, A widow brisk and _debonair_, How could I live without thee. 

 Thy rogueish eye I quickly spied, It made me still the fonder, I swore though false to all beside, From thee I'd never wander. 

 But old Fitzy now, Thou'rt only fit to tease me, And C----------M I vow, Has learn't the art to please me. "

By this time they were passing Grosvenor gate, when the Hon. Tom Dashalldirected the attention of his Cousin to a person on the opposite side ofthe street, pacing along with a stiff and formal air. 

"That, " said he, "is a new species of character, if it may properly beso termed, of which I have never yet given you any account. Sir EdwardKnowell stands, however, at the head of a numerous and respectable classof persons, who may be entitled Philosophic Coxcombs. He proceeds withgeometrical exactness in all his transactions. You can perceive fineryof dress is no mark of his character; on the contrary, he at all timeswears a plain coat; and as if in ridicule of the common fop, takes careto decorate his menials in the most gorgeous liveries. 

"The stiffness and formality of his appearance is partly occasioned bythe braces which he very judiciously purchased of Martin Van Butchell, and partly by the pride of wealth and rank. 

"There is a pensiveness in his aspect, which would induce any one toimagine Sir Edward to be a man of feeling; but those who have dependedupon outward appearances alone, have found themselves miserablydeceived; for as hypocrisy assumes a look of sanctity, so yourphilosophic coxcomb's apparent melancholy serves only as a mask to coverhis stupidity. 

"Sir Edward is amorously inclined; but he consults his reason, orpretends to do so, and by that means renders his pleasures subservientto his health. It cannot be denied he sometimes manifests contortions ofaspect not exactly in unison with happiness; but his feelings are everselfish, and his apparent pain is occasioned by the nausea of a debauch, or perhaps by the pressure of a new pair of boots. If you are indistress, Sir Edward hears your tale with the most stoical indifference, and he contemplates your happiness with an equal degree of apathy--asort of Epictetus, who can witness the miseries of a brother withoutagony or sympathy, and mark the elevation of a friend without onesentiment of congratulation: wrapt up in self, he banishes all feelingfor others. 

~~361~~~ "This philosopher has a great number of imitators--perhaps notless than one thousand philosophic coxcombs visit London annually; andif Sir Edward were to die, they might all with great propriety lay claimto a participation in the property he might leave behind him, as nearrelations to the family of the Knowells. These gentlemen violate all themoral duties of life with impunity: they are shameless, irreligious, and so insignificant, that they seem to consider themselves born forno useful purpose whatever. Indeed they are such perfect blanks in thecreation, that were they transported to some other place, the communitywould never miss them, except by the diminution of follies and vices. Like poisonous plants, they merely vegetate, diffuse their contagiouseffluvia around, then sink into corruption, and are forgotten for ever. "

"Whip me such fellows through the world, " exclaimed Sparkle, "I have norelish for them. "

On calling in at Long's Hotel, they were informed that Sparkle's servanthad been in pursuit of his master, in consequence of letters havingarrived from the country; and as Dashall knew that he had two excellentreasons why he should immediately acquaint himself with their contents, the party immediately returned to Piccadilly. 

CHAPTER XXVI

 "-----Mark the change at very first vacation, She's scarcely known to father or relation. No longer now in vesture neat and tight, Because forsooth she's learn'd to be polite. But crop't--a bosom bare, her charms explode, Her shape, the _tout ensemble a-la-mode_. Why Bet, cries Pa, what's come to thee of late? This school has turn'd thy brain as sure as fate. What means these vulgar ways? I hate 'em wench, You shan't, I tell thee, imitate the French; Because great vokes adopt a foreign taste, And wear their bosoms naked to the waist, D'ye think you shall--No, no, I loathe such ways, Mercy! great nokes shew all for nothing now adays. "

~~362~~~The morning arose with smiles and sunshine, which appeared almost toinvite our party earlier than they intended to the enjoyments of a planwhich had occupied their attention on the previous evening, when Sparkleproposed a ride, which being consented to, the horses were prepared, andthey were quickly on the road. 

Passing through Somers Town, Sparkle remarked to his friend Dashall, that he could not help thinking that the manners and information of therising generation ought to be greatly improved. 

"And have you not had sufficient evidence of the fact?" was the reply. 

"Why certainly, " continued Sparkle, "if the increase of public schoolsround the metropolis is in proportion to what has already met myeye during our present short ride, there is sufficient evidence thateducation is considered as it ought to be, of the first importance. YetI question whether we are so much more learned than our ancestors, asto require such a vast increase of teachers. Nay, is not the marketoverstocked with these heads of seminaries, similar to the republic ofletters, which is overwhelmed with authors, and clogged with bookmakersand books. "

~~363~~~ "This remark, " replied Tom, "might almost as well be made uponevery trade and profession which is followed; in the present day thereare so many in each, that a livelihood can scarcely be obtained, and auniversal grumbling is the consequence. "

"Well, " said Bob, "I can with safety say there are but two trades orcallings that I have met with since my arrival in London, to which Ihave discovered no rivalship. "

This remark from Tallyho excited some surprise in the mind of his twofriends, who were anxious to know to what he alluded. 

"I mean, " continued he, "the doll's bedstead seller, who is frequentlyto be heard in the street of London, bawling with a peculiarity ofvoice as singular as the article he has for sale, --'Buy my doll'sbedsteads;'--and the other, a well known whistler, whom you must bothhave heard. "

"Egad you are right, " replied Sparkle; "and although I recollect themboth, I must confess the observation now made has never so forciblystruck me before: it, however, proves you have not exhausted your timein town without paying attention to the characters it contains, nor thecircumstances by which they obtain their livelihood; and althoughthe introduction is not exactly in point with the subject of previousremarks, and ought not to cut the thread of our discourse, it has somereference, and conveys to my mind a novel piece of information. But Iwas about to consider what can be the causes for this extraordinaryhost of ladies of all ages, classes and colours, from the HonourableMistress------to the Misses Stubbs, who have their establishment forthe education of young ladies in a superior style; and whether inconsequence of this legion of fair labourers in learning and science, our countrywomen (for I am adverting particularly to the softer sex) arechaster, wiser, and better, than their mammas and grand-mammas. "

"A most interesting subject, truly, " replied Tom, "and well worthy ofclose investigation. Now for my part I apprehend that the increase oftutors arises from many other causes than the more general diffusion ofknowledge. "

~~364~~~ "There can be no doubt of it, " continued Sparkle, "and someof those causes are odd enough--very opposite to wisdom, and not moreconducive to improvement; for amongst them you will find pride, poverty, and idleness. 

"For instance, you may discover that the proud partner of a shopkeeperin the general line, or more plainly speaking, the proprietor of achandler's shop, is ambitious of having her daughter accomplished. 

 "E'en good Geoffrey Forge, a blacksmith by descent, Who has his life 'midst bars and hammers spent, Resolves his Bet shall learn to read and write, And grace his table with a wit polite. To make for father's sense a reparation-- The day arrives for fatal separation; When Betsey quits her dad with tears of woe, And goes to boarding-school--at Pimlico. "

"Well, the accomplishments sought are music, dancing, French, andornamental work; instead of learning the Bible, being brought up todomestic utility, cooking, washing, plain work, and the arithmeticnecessary for keeping the accounts of her father's shop. What is theconsequence?--the change in her education quite unfits Miss for herstation in life; makes her look down on her unlettered Pa--and Ma--aspersons too ignorant for her to associate with; while she is lookingup with anxious expectation to marry a man of fortune (probably anofficer); and is not unfrequently taken unceremoniously without theconsent of her parents on a visit to the church. ''

"You are pushing the matter as close as you can, Charles, " said Dashall;"though I confess I think, nay I may say indeed I know some instancesin which such fatal consequences have been the result of the conduct towhich you allude. "

"Well, then, suppose even that this superior style of education shouldnot have the effect of turning the poor girl's head, and that she reallyhas prudence and discretion enough to avoid the perils and snares ofambition; Miss Celestina is at least unfitted for a tradesman's wife, and she must either become a companion, or a governess, or a teacherat a school, or be set up as the Minerva of an evening school--halfeducated herself, and exposed in every situation for which she isconceived to be fitted, to numerous temptations, betwixt the teachersof waltzes and quadrilles--the one horse chaise dancing-masters--thelax-moraled foreign music-master--or the dashing Pa--of her young pupils(perhaps a Peer). Celibacy is not always so much an affair of choice asof circumstances, and sad difficulties are consequently thrown in theway of poor Miss So and So's path through life--all originating frompride. "

~~365~~~ "Well, " said Bob, "since you have been amusing us withthis description, I have counted not less than eight seminaries, establishments, and preparatory schools. "

"I do not doubt it, " continued Sparkle; "and some of them on the meanestscale, notwithstanding the high sounding titles under which they areintroduced to public notice: others presided over by sister spinsters, not unfrequently with Frenchified names; such, for instance, as'Mesdames Puerdon's Seminary, ' the lady's real name being Martha (or, if you please, Patty) Purton, and a deformed relative completingthe Mesdames: the 'Misses de la Porte, ' (whom nature had made simplePorter), and no great catch to obtain either: the 'Misses Cox'spreparatory school for young gentlemen of an early age, ' all seemto bespeak the poverty, false pride, and affectation of the owners. Notwithstanding the fine denominations given to some of these learnedinstitutions, such as 'Bellevue Seminary'--'Montpeliere House'--'BelRetiro Boarding School, ' &c. &c. 

"To such artifices as these are two classes of females compelled toresort, namely, reduced gentlewomen and exalted tradesmen's daughters, who disdain commerce, and hate the homely station which dame nature hadoriginally intended them to move in. Such ladies (either by birth oradoption) prefer the twig to the distaff, the study to the shop, andexperience more pleasure in walking out airing with their pupils, takingtheir station in the front, frequently gaudily and indiscreetly dressed, than to be confined to the counter, or the domestic occupations of thegood old English housewife of former times. 

"Such ladies are frequently to be met with on all the Greens andCommons, from dirty Stepney or Bethnal, to the more sumptuous Clapham orWillisdon. Some of them are so occupied with self, that the random-shotglances of their pupils at the exquisites and the dandy militaires abouttown, do not come within the range of their notice, while others aremore vigilant, but often heave a sigh at the thought that the gay andgallant Captain should prefer the ruddy daughter of a cheese-monger, tothe reduced sprigs of gentility which they consider themselves. 

~~366~~~ "At all events, many of these ladies, and worthy ones too, areplaced, _par force_ of poverty, in this avocation, unsuited to theirabilities, their hearts, their habits, or their former expectations. Thegovernment of their young flock is odious to them, and although they maygo through the duties of their situation with apparent patience, it isin fact a drudgery almost insupportable; and the objects nearest thegoverness's heart--are the arrival of the vacation, the entrance-money, the quarter's schooling, and a lengthy list of items: the arrival ofBlack Monday, or a cessation of holidays, brings depressed spirits, andshe returns to her occupation, deploring her unlucky stars which placedher in so laborious a situation--envies her cousin Sarah, who hascaught a minor in her net; nay even perhaps would be happy to exchangecircumstances with the thoughtless Miss Skipwell, who has run away withher dancing-master, or ruined a young clergyman, of a serious turn, byaddressing love-letters to him, copied from the most romantic novels, which have softened his heart into matrimony, and made genteel beggarsof the reverend mistress, himself, and a numerous offspring. "

"Very agreeable, indeed, " cried Dashall. 

"Perhaps not, " said Tallyho, interrupting him, "to the partiesdescribed. "

"You mistake me, " was the reply; "I meant the combination of air andexercise with the excellent descriptions of our friend Sparkle, who bythe way has not yet done with the subject. "

"I am aware of it, " continued Sparkle, "for there is one part which Imentioned at the outset, which may with great propriety be added in theway of elucidation--I mean Idleness: it is the third, and shall forthe present be the last subject of our consideration, and even this hascontributed its fair proportion of teachers to the world. Miss Mel taway, the daughter of a tallow-chandler, who ruined himself by dressingextravagantly his wife, and over educating his dear Caroline Matilda, in consequence of which he failed, and shortly afterwards left the worldaltogether, --was brought up in the straw line; but this was no solidtrade, and could not be relied upon: however, she plays upon the harpand the guitar. What advantages! yet she also failed in the straw-hatline, and therefore Idleness prefers becoming an assistant teacherand music mistress, to taking to any more laborious, even though moreproductive mode of obtaining a livelihood. 

~~367~~~ "Then Miss Nugent has a few hundred pounds, the remnant ofPa's gleanings (Pa having been the retired butler of a Pigeoned Peer. ) Aretail bookseller sought her hand in marriage, but she thought himquite a vulgar fellow. He had no taste for waltzing, at which she wasconsidered to excel--he blamed her indulgence in such pleasures, andventured to hint something about a pudding. Then again, he can't speakFrench, and dresses in dittoes. Now all this is really barbarous, andconsequently Miss Nugent spurns the idea of such a connection. 

"Let us trace her still further. In a short time she is addressed by aCaptain Kirkpatrick Tyrconnel, who makes his approaches with a splendidequipage. The romantic sound of the former, and the glare of the latter, attract her attention. The title of Captain, however, is merely a _nomde guerre_, for he is only an ensign on half-pay. Miss is delighted withhis attentions: he is a charming fellow, highly accomplished, for hesings duets, waltzes admirably, plays the German flute, and interlardshis conversation with scraps of French and Spanish. Altogether he istruly irresistible, and she is willing to lay her person and her fewhundreds at the feet of the conquerer. The day is appointed, and everypreparation made for the nuptial ceremony; when ah! who can foresee, "The various turns of fate below. "

An athletic Hibernian wife, formerly the widow of Dennis O'Drumball, steps in between the young lady and the hymeneal altar, and claims theCaptain as her husband--she being the landlady of a country ale-housewhere he had been quartered, whom he had married by way of discharginghis bill. The interposition is fortunate, because it saves the Captainfrom an involuntary trip to Botany Bay, and Miss from an alliance ofa bigamical kind; though it has at the same time proved a severedisappointment to the young lady. 

"Crossed in love--wounded in the most tender part--she forswears thehymeneal tie; and under such unfortunate circumstances she opens aSeminary, to which she devotes the remainder of her life. "

~~368~~~ "Pray, " said Bob, whose eyes were as open as his ears, "did younotice that shining black board, with preposterous large gold letters, announcing 'Miss Smallgood's establishment for Young Ladies, ' and closealongside of it another, informing the passenger, --' That man-traps wereplaced in the premises. '"

"I did, " said Sparkle--"but I do not think that, though somewhatcurious, the most remarkable or strange association. Young ladieseducated on an improved plan, and man-traps advertised in order tocreate terror and dismay! For connected with this method of announcingplaces of education, is a recollection of receptacles of anothernature. "

"To what do you allude?" inquired Tallyho. "Why, in many instances, private mad-houses are disguised as boarding schools, under thedesignation of 'Establishment. ' Many of these receptacles in thevicinity of the metropolis, are rendered subservient to the veryworst of purposes, though originally intended for the safety of theindividual, as well as the security of the public against the commissionof acts, which are too frequently to be deplored as the effect ofinsanity. Of all the houses of mourning, that to which poor unhappymortals are sent under mental derangement is decidedly the most gloomy. The idea strikes the imagination with horror, which is considerablyincreased by a reflection on the numerous human victims that areincarcerated within their walls, the discipline they are subjectedto, and the usual pecuniary success which attends the keepers of suchestablishments, --where the continuance of the patient is the chiefsource of interest, rather than the recovery. That they are usefulin some cases cannot be denied, but there are many instances too wellauthenticated to be doubted, where persons desirous of getting rid ofaged and infirm relatives, particularly if they manifested any littleaberration of mind (as is common in advanced age), have consigned themto these receptacles, from which, through the supposed kindness oftheir friends, and the management of the proprietors, they have neverreturned. If the parties ail nothing, they are soon driven to insanityby ill usage, association with unfortunates confined like themselves, vexation at the treatment, and absolute despair of escape; or ifpartially or slightly afflicted, the lucid intervals are prevented, and the disorder by these means is increased and confirmed by coercion, irritation of mind, and despair. "

~~369~~~ "This is a deplorable picture of the state of things, indeed, "said Tallyho. 

"But it is unvarnished, " was the reply; "the picture requires noimaginary embellishment, since it has its foundation in truth. Thenagain, contrast the situation of the confined with the confinera. Therelatives have an interest in the care of the person, and a control overthe property, which in cases of death frequently becomes their own. The keepers of these receptacles have also an interest in keeping therelatives in a disposition to forward all their views of retaining thepatient, who, under the representation of being seriously deranged, isnot believed; consequently all is delusion, but the advantages whichultimately fall to the tender-hearted relative, or the more artfulproprietor of the mad-house; and it is wonderful what immense fortunesare made by the latter; nay not only by the proprietors, but eventhe menials in their employ, many of whom have been known to retireindependent, a circumstance which clearly proves, that by some means orother they must have possessed themselves of the care of the property, as well as that of the persons of their unfortunate victims. "

"This is a dull subject, " said Dashall, "though I confess that someexposures which have been made fully justify your observations; but I amnot fond of looking at such gloomy pictures of Real Life. "

"True, " replied Sparkle; "but it connects itself with the object youhave had in view; and though I know there are many who possess soulsof sensibility, and who would shrink from the contemplation of so muchsuffering humanity, it is still desirable they should know the effectsproduced almost by inconceivable causes. I know people in general avoidthe contemplation, as well as fly from the abodes of misery, contentingthemselves by sending pecuniary assistance. But unfortunately thereare a number of things that wear a similarity of appearance, yet are sounlike in essence and reality, that they are frequently mistaken by thecredulous and unwary, who become dupes, merely because they are not eyewitnesses of the facts. But if the subject is dull, let us push forward, take a gallop over Hampstead Heath, and return. "

~~370~~~ "With all my heart, " cried Dashall, giving a spur to his horse, and away they went. 

The day was delightfully fine; the appearance of the country banishedall gloomy thoughts from their minds; and after a most agreeable ride, they returned to Piccadilly, where finding dinner ready, they spentthe remainder of the evening in the utmost hilarity, and the mutualinterchange of amusing and interesting conversation, principallyrelative to Sparkle's friends in the country, and their arrangements forthe remainder of their time during their stay in the metropolis. 

CHAPTER XXVII

 "E'en mighty monarchs may at times unbend, And sink the dull superior in the friend. The jaded scholar his lov'd closet quits, To chat with folks below, and save his wits: Peeps at the world awhile, with curious look. Then flies again with pleasure to his book. The tradesman hastes away from Care's rude gripe, To meet the neighbouring club and smoke his pipe. All this is well, in decent bounds restrained, No health is injured, and no mind is pain'd. But constant travels in the paths of joy, Yield no delights but what in time must cloy; Though novelty spread all its charms to view, And men with eagerness those charms pursue; One truth is clear, that by too frequent use, They early death or mis'ry may produce. "

~~371~~~ THE post of the following morning brought information forDashall and his friends, and no time was lost in breaking open the sealsof letters which excited the most pleasing anticipations. A deadsilence prevailed for a few minutes, when, rising almost simultaneously, expressions of satisfaction and delight were interchanged at theintelligence received. 

Merry well's success had proved more than commensurate with his mostsanguine expectations. He had arrived at the residence of his dyingrelative, just time enough to witness his departure from this sublunarysphere, and hear him with his expiring breath say, --"All is thine;" anda letter to each of his former friends announced the pleasure andthe happiness he should experience by an early visit to his estate, declaring his determination to settle in the country, and no more becomea rambler in the labyrinths of London. 

This was a moment of unexpected, though hoped for gratification. Sparkleapplauded the plan he intended to pursue. 

Tallyho confessed himself tired of this world of wonders, and appearedto be actuated by a similar feeling: he conceived he had seen enough ofthe Life of a Rover, and seemed to sigh for his native plains again. 

~~372~~~ Dashall's relish for novelty in London was almost subdued; andafter comparing notes together for a short time, it was mutually agreedthat they would dine quietly at home, and digest a plan for futureproceedings. 

"Never, " said Tom, "did I feel so strong an inclination to foregothe fascinating charms of a London Life as at the present moment;and whether I renounce it altogether or not, we will certainly pay acongratulatory visit to Merry well. "

"Example, " said Sparkle, endeavouring to encourage the feeling withwhich his friend's last sentiment was expressed, "is at all times betterthan precept; and retirement to domestic felicity is preferable torevelry in splendid scenes of dissipation, which generally leads topremature dissolution. "

"Agreed, " said Tom; "and happy is the man who, like yourself, has morethan self to think for. --Blest with a lovely and amiable wife, and anample fortune, no man upon earth can have a better chance of glidingdown the stream of life, surrounded by all the enjoyments it canafford--while I------"

"Oh, what a lost mutton am I!"

Sparkle could scarcely forbear laughing at his friend, though he wasunable to discover whether he was speaking seriously or ironically; hetherefore determined to rally him a little. 

"How, " said he, "why you are growing serious and sentimental all atonce: what can be the cause of this change of opinion so suddenly?"

"My views of life, " replied Dashall, "have been sufficient to convinceme that a Like in London is the high road to Death. I have, however, tried its vagaries in all companies, in all quarters; and, as the Songsays, "Having sown my wild oats in my youthful days, I wish to live happilynow they are done. "

By this time Sparkle was convinced that Dashall was speaking the realsentiments of his mind, and congratulated him upon them. 

~~373~~~ Tallyho expressed himself highly delighted with the informationhe had acquired during his stay in London, but could not help at thesame time acknowledging, that he had no wish to continue in the samecourse much longer: it was therefore agreed, that on that day fortnightthey would leave the metropolis for the residence of Merrywell, andtrust the future guidance of their pursuits to chance. 

"It would argue a want of loyalty, " said Tom, "if we did not witness theroyal departure for Scotland before we quit town; and as that is to takeplace on Saturday next, we will attend the embarkation of his Majesty atGreenwich, and then turn our thoughts towards a country life. "

Sparkle was evidently gratified by this determination, though he couldhardly persuade himself it was likely to be of long duration; and Bobinwardly rejoiced at the expression of sentiments in exact accordancewith his own. At a moment when they were all absorbed in thoughts ofthe future, they were suddenly drawn to the present by a man passing thewindow, bawling aloud--"Buy a Prap--Buy a Prap. "

"What does the fellow mean?" interrupted Tallyho. 

"Mean, " said Dashall, "nothing more than to sell his clothes props. "

"Props, " replied Bob, "but he cries praps; I suppose that is a new styleadopted in London. "

"Not at all, " continued Sparkle; "the alteration of sound only arisesfrom an habitual carelessness, with which many of what are termed theLondon Cries are given; a sort of tone or jargon which is acquired bycontinually calling the same thing--and in which you will find he isnot singular. The venders of milk, for instance, seldom call the articlethey carry for sale, as it is generally sounded _mieu_, or _mieu below_, though some have recently adopted the practice of crying _mieu above_. The sort of sing-song style which the wandering vendera of differentgoods get into as it were by nature, is frequently so unintelligible, that even an old inhabitant of the town and its environs can scarcelyascertain by the ear what is meant; and which I apprehend arises morefrom the sameness of subject than from any premeditated intention of theparties so calling. Other instances may be given:--the chimney-sweeper, you will find, instead of ~~374~~~ bawling sweep, frequently contractsit to we-ep or e-ep; the former not altogether incompatible with thesituation of the shivering little being who crawls along the streetsunder a load of soot, to the great annoyance of the well dressedpassengers; however, it has the effect of warning them of his approach. The dustman, above curtailment, as if he felt his superiority over theflue-faker, lengthens his sound to dust-ho, or dust-wo; besides, he isdignified by carrying a bell in one hand, by which he almost stunsthose around him, and appears determined to kick up a dust, if he cando nothing else. The cries of muffins in the streets it is difficultto understand, as they are in the habit of ringing a tinkling bell, the sound of which can scarcely be heard, and calling mapping ho; andI remember one man whom I have frequently followed, from whom I couldnever make out more than happy happy happy now. There is a man whofrequently passes through the Strand, wheeling a barrow before him, bawling as he moves along, in a deep and sonorous voice, smoaking hot, piping hot, hot Chelsea Buns; and another, in the vicinity of CoventGarden, who attracts considerable notice by the cry of--Come buy my liveshrimps and pierriwinkles--buy my wink, wink, wink; these, however, areexceptions to those previously mentioned, as they have good voices, and deliver themselves to some tune; but to the former may be addedthe itinerant collector of old clothes, who continually annoys youwith--Clow; clow sale. The ingenious Ned Shuter, the most luxuriantcomedian of his time, frequently entertained his audience on his benefitnights with admirable imitations of the Cries of London, in which heintroduced a remarkable little man who sold puffs, and who, from thepeculiar manner of his calling them, acquired the name of Golly MollyPuff; by this singularity he became a noted character, and at almostevery period some such peculiar itinerant has become remarkable in thestreets of London. Some years back, a poor wretched being who dealt inshreds and patches, used to walk about, inviting people by the followinglines--

 "Linen, woollen, and leather, Bring 'em out altogether. "

~~375~~~ Another, a sleek-headed whimsical old man, appeared, who wascommonly called the Wooden Poet, from his carrying wooden ware, whichwas slung in a basket round his neck, and who chaunted a kind of song indoggerel rhyme, somewhat similar to the following--

 "Come, come, my worthy soul, Will you buy a wooden bowl? I am just come from the Borough, Will you buy a pudding stirrer. I hope I am not too soon, For you to buy a wooden spoon. I've come quick as I was able, Thinking you might want a ladle, And if I'm not too late, Buy a trencher or wood plate. Or if not it's no great matter, So you take a wooden platter. It may help us both to dinner, If you'll buy a wooden skimmer. Come, neighbours, don't be shy, for I deal just and fair, Come, quickly come and buy, all sorts of wooden ware. "

"Very well, indeed, for a wooden poet, " exclaimed Bois; "he certainlydeserved custom at all events: his rivals, Walter Scott or Lord Byron, would have turned such a poetical effusion to some account--it wouldhave been dramatized--Murray, Longman, &c. Would have been all in abustle, puffing, blowing, and advertising. We should have had piracies, Chancery injunctions, and the d------1 to pay; but alas! it makes allthe difference whether a poet is fashionable and popular or not. "{1}

 1 Lord Byron, in his preface to a recent publication, complains that among other black arts resorted to, for the purpose of injuring his fair fame, he has been accused of receiving considerable sums for writing poetical puffs for Warren's blacking. We can safely acquit his Lordship of this charge, as well as of plagiarism from the poems he alludes to; but it has led to a curious rencontre between the blacking-laureat, and his patron the vender of the shin-ing jet; and after considerable black-guardism between the parties, the matter is likely to become the subject of legal discussion among the gentlemen of the black robe. 

 The poet, it appears, received half a crown for each production, from the man of blacking, which the latter considered not only a fair, but even liberal remuneration for poetic talent; not overlook-ing, that while the pecuniary reward would produce comfort, and add a polish to personal appearance, the brilliance of the composition, (both of poetry and blacking), would be fairly divided between he authors of each; and that the fame of both would be conjointly

 handed down to posterity, and shine for ever in the temple of fame. 

 Now it requires no uncommon sagacity to perceive, that but for this unfortunate mistake of the public, the poet would have remained satisfied, as far as pecuniary recompence went, with the half-crown, --looking to futurity for that more complete recompence, which poets ever consider far beyond pudding or sensual gratification, --fame and immortality; but, alas!

 "From causes quite obscure and unforeseen, What great events to man may sometimes spring. "

 Finding from Lord B. 's own statement, that the public had duly appreciated the merit of these compositions, and had attached so high a value, as even to mistake them for his Lordship's productions, our bard was naturally led into a train of reasoning, and logical deductions, as to what advantage had, and what ought to have resulted to himself, according to this estimate, by public opinion. --Lord B. And his great northern contemporary, it appeared, received thousands from the public for their poems, while half-crowns (not to be despised, during certain cravings, but soon dissipated by that insatiable and unceasing tormentor, the stomach, ) was all the benefit likely to accrue in this world to the original proprietor: in a happy moment, a happy thought flitted athwart the poet's mind; and like the china seller in the Arabian Nights, he found himself rolling in ideal wealth; and spurning with disdain the blacking merchant, the blacking, and the half-crowns, he resolved on a project by which to realize his fondest wishes of wealth, happiness, and independence. 

 The project was this: to collect together the fugitive blacking sonnets, so as to form a volume, under the title of Poems supposed to be written by Lord Byron, and offer the copyright to Mr. Murray; and in case of his refusing a liberal sum, (that is, some-thing approaching to what he pays the Noble Bard per Vol. ) to publish them on his (the author's) own account, and depend on the public for that support and encouragement which their favourable decision had already rendered pretty certain. 

 Now then comes 'the rub;' the blacking vender, hearing of our poet's intention, files a bill in Chancery, praying for an injunction to restrain the publication, and claiming an exclusive right in the literary property: the poet, in replication, denies having assigned or transferred the copyright, and thus issue is joined. His Lord-ship, with his usual extreme caution, where important rights are involved, wished to give the matter mature consideration, and said, "he would take the papers home, to peruse more attentively. " It will be recollected, that in the cause, respecting Lord Byron's poem of Cain, his Lordship stated, that during the vacation he had, by way of relaxation from business, perused that work and Paradise Lost, in order to form a just estimate of their comparative merits; and who knows but during the present vacation, his Lordship may compare the blacking sonnets with "Childe Harold, " "Fare Thee Well, " &c. ; and that on next seal day, the public may be benefited by his opinion as to which is entitled to the claim of superior excellence; and how far the public are justified in attributing the former to the noble author of the latter. 

~~377~~~ "Then, " continued Sparkle, "there was a rustic usually mountedon a white hobby, with a basket on one arm, who used to invade thenorthern purlieus of London, mumbling Holloway Cheesecakes, which fromhis mode of utterance, sounded like 'Ho all my teeth ake. '"

"Ha! ha! ha!" vociferated Tallyho, unable to restrain his risibility. 

"Numerous other instances might be adduced, " continued Sparkle: "amongmany there was a noted Pigman, whose pigs were made of what is calledstanding crust, three or four inches long, baked with currant sauce inthe belly, who used to cry, or rather sing, --

 'A long tail'd pig, or a short tail'd pig, ' &c. 

There was another singular character, who used to be called Tiddy-doll, a noted vender of gingerbread at Bartholomew, Southwark, and otherfairs; who to collect customers round his basket used to chaunt a song, in which scarcely any thing was distinctly articulated but the cantexpression Tiddy-doll: he used to wear a high cocked hat and feather, with broad scolloped gold lace on it; and last, though not least, wasSir Jeffery Vunstan, of Garrat fame, who used to walk about the streetsin a blue coat with gold lace, his shirt bosom open, and without a hat, accompanied by his daughter, Miss Nancy, crying ould wigs. "

"Old wigs, " reverberated Bob, "an extraordinary article of merchandize!"

"Not more extraordinary than true, " replied Dashall; "but come, Isuppose we shall all feel inclined to write a few lines to the country, so let us make the best of our time. "

Upon this signal, each flew to the exercise of the quill, and indulgedhis own vein of thought in writing to his friend; and the day closedupon them without any further occurrence deserving of particular remark. 

CHAPTER XXVIII

 Haste away to Scotland dear, And leave your native home; The Land of Cakes affords good cheer And you've a mind to roam. -- Here splendid sights, and gala nights Are all prepar'd for Thee; While Lords and Knights, --('mid gay delights!)

 And Ladies bend the knee. Haste away to Scotia's Land, With kilt and Highland plaid; And join the sportive, reeling band, With ilka bonny lad. -- For night and day, --we'll trip away, With cheerful dance, and glee; Come o'er the spray, --without delay, Each joy's prepared for Thee. 

~~378~~~The morning arose with a smiling and inviting aspect; and as it had beenpreviously rumoured that his Majesty would embark from GreenwichHospital at half-past eight o'clock, on his intended voyage to Scotland, our party had arranged every thing for their departure at an early hour, and before seven o'clock had seated themselves in a commodious andelegant barge moored off Westminster Bridge, intending, if possible, tosee the City Companies, headed by the Lord Mayor and Court of Aldermen, start, as had been proposed, from the Tower. They were shortlyafterwards gliding on the surface of the watery element towards thescene of action: by this time the numerous parties in pursuit of thesame object were on the alert; and from almost every part of the shoreas they passed along, gaily dressed company was embarking, while merrypeals of bells seemed to announce approaching delight. The steeples onshore, and the vessels in the river, exhibited flags and streamers, which gave an additional splendour to the scene. All was anxiety andexpectation; numerous barges and pleasure-boats, laden with elegantcompany, were speeding the same way, and every moment increasing, sothat the whole view displayed a combination of beauty, fashion, andloyalty not often surpassed. 

~~379~~~ On arriving off the Tower, it was soon ascertained thatthe Lord Mayor and City Companies had got the start of them, andconsequently they proceeded on their journey, not doubting but theyshould overtake them before reaching Greenwich; and in this expectationthey were not disappointed; for soon after passing Rotherhithe Church, they came up with the City State Barge, which was towed by a steamboat, accompanied by several other state barges, the whole filled withcompany. The brightness of the morning, and the superb appearance ofthese gaily manned, and it might be added gaily womaned gallies, (fora numerous party of fashionably attired ladies added their embellishingpresence to the spectacle) formed altogether a picture of more thanordinary interest and magnificence. 

"This Royal Visit to Scotland, " said Sparkle, "has for some time pastbeen a prevailing topic of discussion from one end of the Land of Cakesto the other, and the preparations for his Majesty's reception are ofthe most splendid description--triumphal arches are to be erected, newroads to be made, banquets to be given, general illuminations to takeplace, body guards of royal archers to be appointed, and the dull lightof oil lamps to be totally obscured by the full blaze of Royal Gas. Thenthere are to be meetings of the civil and municipal authorities fromevery town and county, presenting loyal and dutiful addresses; and it isexpected that there will be so much booing among the "Carle's when theKing's come, " that the oilmen are said to be not a whit disconcerted atthe introduction of gas lights, the unctuous article being at presentin great demand, for the purpose of suppling the stiff joints of thewould-be courtiers, who have resolved to give a characteristic specimenof their humble loyalty, and to oulboo all the hooings of the famed SirPertinax. "

"However, " observed Dashall, "it is not very likely they will be able toequal the grace with which it is acknowledged the King can bow; and heis to be accompanied by the accomplished Sir Billy, of City notoriety;so that admirable examples are certain of being presented to theScottish gentry: reports state ~~380~~~ that the worthy Baronet, whois considered to be of great weight wherever he goes, is determinedto afford his Majesty, in this visit to Edinburgh, the benefit of thatpreponderating loyalty which he last year threw into the scale of theDublin Corporation; and that he has recently purchased from a Highlandtailor in the Hay market, a complete suit of tartan, philebeg, &c. Withwhich he means to invest himself, as the appropriate costume, to meethis royal master on his arrival at Edinburgh. "

"In that case, " said Sparkle, "there is one circumstance greatly to beregretted, considering the gratification which our northern neighboursmight have derived, from ascertaining the precise number of cwts. Of themost weighty of London citizens. I remember reading a day or two backthat the weigh-house of the City of Edinburgh was disposed of by publicroup, and that a number of workmen were immediately employed to take itdown, as the whole must be cleared away by the 6th of August, under apenalty of 50L. : what a pity, that in the annals of the weigh-house, theScotch could not have registered the actual weight of the greatest ofLondon Aldermen. "

Tom and Bob laughed heartily at their friend Sparkle's anticipationsrespecting the worthy Baronet; while Bob dryly remarked, "he shouldthink Sir Willie would prove himself a honnie lad among the lasses O;and nae doubt he would cut a braw figure in his Highland suit. "

"But, " continued Dashall, "we are indulging in visions of fancy, withoutpaying that attention to the scene around us which it deserves, and Iperceive we are approaching Greenwich Hospital. There is the royal yachtready prepared for the occasion; the shores are already crowded withcompany, and the boats and barges are contending for eligible situationsto view the embarkation. There is the floating chapel; and a littlefurther on to the right is the Marine Society's School-ship, for theeducation of young lads for his Majesty's service. The Hospital nowpresents a grand and interesting appearance. What say you, suppose weland at the Three Crowns, and make inquiry as to the likely time of hisMajesty's departure. "

"With all my heart, " replied Sparkle, "and we can then refresh, for I amnot exactly used to water excursions, and particularly so early in themorning, consequently it has a good effect on the appetite. "

~~381~~~ By this time the City Barges had taken positions in the frontof the Hospital, and our party passed them to gain the proposed placeof inquiry: here, however, all was conjecture; the people of GreenwichHospital appeared to know as little of the time appointed as those ofthe metropolis; and finding they had little chance of accommodation inconsequence of the great influx of company, they again embarked, and shortly after attacked the produce of their locker, and with anexcellent tongue and a glass of Madeira, regaled themselves sufficientlyto wait the arrival. Time, however, hung heavily on their hands, thoughthey had a view of thousands much worse situated than themselves, and could only contemplate the scene with astonishment, that seriousmischiefs did not accrue, from the immense congregated multitude bywhich they were surrounded. 

Anxiety and anticipation were almost exhausted, and had nearly givenplace to despondency, when about three o'clock the extraordinary bustleon shore announced the certainty of the expected event being about totake place; and in about half an hour after, they were gratified byseeing his Majesty descend the steps of the Hospital, attended by thenoblemen, &c. Under a royal salute, and rowed to the vessel prepared toreceive him. The royal standard was immediately hoisted, and away sailedthe King, amidst the heartfelt congratulations and good wishes of hisaffectionate and loyal people, the firing of cannon, the ringing ofbells, and every other demonstration of a lively interest in his safetyand welfare: leaving many to conjecture the feelings with which theheart must be impressed of a person so honoured and attended, we shallselect a few descriptive lines from the pen of a literary gentleman, in his opinion the most likely to be expressive of the sentimentsentertained on the occasion. 

 ROYAL RECOLLECTIONS. 

 As slow the yacht her northern track Against the wind was cleaving; Her noble Master oft look'd back, To that dear spot 'twas leaving: So loth to part from her he loves, From those fair charms that bind him; He turns his eye where'er he roves, To her he's left behind him. When, round the bowl, of other dears He talks, with joyous seeming, His smiles resemble vapourish tears, So faint, so sad their beaming; While memory brings him back again, Each early tie that twin'd him, How sweet's the cup that circles then, To her he's left behind him. 

 Ah! should our noble master meet Some Highland lass enchanting, With looks all buxom, wild, and sweet, Yet love would still be wanting; He'd think how great had been his bliss If heav'n had but assign'd him, To live and die so pure as this, With her he's left behind him. As travelers oft look back at eve, When eastward darkly going, To gaze upon that light they leave, Still faint behind them glowing. 

 So, ere he's been a month away, At home we sure shall find him, For he can never longer stay, From her he's left behind him. 

The gay assemblage before them, and the ceremony of the embarkation, thesound of music, and the shouts of the populace, and animated appearanceof the river, which by this time seemed all in motion, amply repaid ourfriends for the time they had waited; and after watching the departureof the Royal Squadron, they returned to town; and as they passed theLondon Docks, it occurred to the mind of the Hon. Tom Dashall, that hisCousin had not yet paid a visit to these highly interesting productionsof human genius; and it was agreed that a day should be devoted to theirinspection before his departure from the Metropolis. 

CHAPTER XXIX

 ----Where has Commerce such a mart, So rich, so throng'd, so drained, and so supplied, As London; opulent, enlarged, and still Increasing London? Babylon of old Not more the glory of the earth, than she; A more accomplish'd world's chief glory now. 

~~383~~~According to arrangements previously made, our friends met in themorning with a determination to shape their course eastward, in order totake a survey of the Commercial Docks for the accommodation of shipping, and the furtherance of trade; and the carriage being ordered, they werequickly on their way towards Blackwall. 

"The Docks of the Port of London, " said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "are ofthe highest importance in a commercial point of view, and are among theprominent curiosities of British Commerce, as they greatly facilitatetrade, and afford additional security to the merchants. "

"Yes, " said Sparkle, "and it is to be presumed, no small profit to theshare-holders of the Companies by which they were established; but Iexpect your Cousin will derive more gratification from a sight of theplaces themselves, than from any description we can give, and thetime to explain will be when we arrive on the spot; for it is scarcelypossible for any one to conceive the immensity of buildings theycontain, or the regularity with which the business is carried on. --" Howdo ye do?" (thrusting his head out of the window, and moving his handwith graceful familiarity, )--"I have not seen Sir Frederick since mymatrimonial trip, and now he has passed by on horseback I really believewithout seeing me; Dashall, you remember Sir Frederick Forcewit?"

"Perfectly well, " replied Tom; "but I was paying so much attention toyou, that I did not notice him. The liveliest fellow, except yourself, in the whole round of my acquaintance. "

~~384~~~ "And you are one of the best I ever met with to gain a point bya good turn; but take it, and make the most you can of it--I may have anopportunity of paying you off in your own coin. "

Tallyho laughed heartily at the manner in which Sparkle had altogetherchanged the conversation, but could not help remarking that SirFrederick had not given a specimen of his politeness, by avoiding areturn of Sparkle's salutation. 

"And yet, " continued Sparkle, "he is one of the most polished men Iknow, notwithstanding I think his upper story is not a bit too wellfurnished: he has a handsome fortune, and a pretty wife, who wouldindeed be a lovely woman, but for an affectation of manners which sheassumed upon coming to the title of Lady Forcewit: their parties are ofthe most dashing order, and all the rank and fashion of the metropolisvisit their mansion. "

Sparkle, who was in his usual humour for conversation and description, now entertained his friends with the following account of a party withwhom he had spent an evening just previous to his departure from town. 

"Mrs. Stepswift is the widow lady of a dancing-master, who havingacquired some little property previous to his decease, left his partnerin possession of his wealth and two daughters, though the provision fortheir education and support was but scanty. The mother had the good lucka few years after to add to her stock ten thousand pounds by a prize inthe lottery, a circumstance which afforded her additional opportunitiesof indulging her passion for dress, which she did not fail to inculcatein her daughters, who, though not handsome, were rather pleasing andagreeable girls; and since the good fortune to which I have alluded, shehas usually given a ball by way of introduction to company, and with theprobable view, (as they are now marriageable), to secure them husbands. It was on one of these occasions that I was invited, and as I knewbut one of the party, I had an excellent opportunity of making myuninterrupted remarks. "

"Then, " said Dashall, "I'll wager my life you acted the part of anobservant quiz. "

"And I should think you would be likely to win, " observed Tallyho. 

~~385~~~ "I am bound to consider myself obliged, " continued Sparkle, "for the bold construction you are kind enough to put upon my characterand conduct by your observations; but never mind, I am not to beintimidated by the firing of a pop-gun, or a flash in the pan, thereforeI shall proceed. Upon my introduction I found the widow playing a rubberwith a punchy parson, a lean doctor, and a half-pay officer in theGuards; and consequently taking a friend I knew by the arm, I strolledthrough the rooms, which were spacious and well furnished. In theball-room I found numerous couples 'tripping it on the light fantastictoe, ' to the tune of 'I'll gang no more to yon town, ' and displayinga very considerable portion of grace and agility. In the other roomdevoted to refreshments and cards, I met with several strollers likemyself, who being without partners, or not choosing to dance with suchas they could obtain, were lounging away their time near the centre ofthe room. I was introduced to the two young ladies, who behaved with theutmost politeness and attention, though I could easily perceive therewas a considerable portion of affectation mingled with their manners;and I soon discovered that they operated as the load-stone of attractionto several dandy-like beaux who were continually flocking around them. 

'"My dear Miss Eliza, ' said a pug-nosed dandy, whom I afterwardsunderstood to be a jeweller's shopman, 'may I be allowed the superlativehonor and happiness of attending you down the next dance?' The manner inwhich this was spoken, with a drawling lisp, and the unmeaning attitudeof the speaker, which was any thing but natural, provoked my risibilityalmost beyond forbearance; his bushy head, the fall of his cape, and theawkward stick-out of his coat, which was buttoned tight round his waist;the drop of his quizzing glass from his bosom, and the opera hat in hishand, formed altogether as curious a figure as I ever recollect to haveseen; though my eyes were immediately directed to another almost asgrotesque, by the young lady herself, who informed the applicant thatshe had engaged herself with Captain Scrambleton, and could not availherself of his intended honor; while the captain himself, with a mincinggait, little compatible with the line of life to which it was to bepresumed he was attached, was advancing and eyeing the would-be rivalwith all the apparent accuracy of a military scrutiny. The contrast ofthe two figures is ~~386~~~ inconceivable--the supplicating beau on theone hand, half double, in the attitude of solicitation, and the uprightposition of the exquisite militaire, casting a suspicious look ofself-importance on the other, were irresistible. I was obliged to turnon one side to prevent discovering my impulse to laughter. The captain, I have since learned, turned out to be a broken-down blackleg, seekingto patch up a diminished fortune by a matrimonial alliance, in which hewas only foiled by a discovery just time enough to prevent his designupon Miss Eliza. "

"Mere butterflies, " exclaimed Dashall, "that nutter for a time insunshine with golden wings, to entrap attention, while the raysfall upon them, and then are seen no more! but I always like yourdescriptions, although you are usually severe. "

[Illustration: page386 At a Party]

"As soon as I could recover my solemnity, 1 tound a little gentleman, who reminded me strongly of cunning little Isaac in the Duenna, advancing towards Miss Amelia with true dancing-master-like precision. I soon discovered, by her holding up her fan at his approach, thatshe held him in utter aversion, and found he received a reply veryderogatory to his wishes; when stepping up to her by the introduction ofmy friend, I succeeded m obtaining her hand for the dance, to the greatmortification and discomfiture of Mr. O'Liltwell, who was no other thanan Irish dancing-master in miniature. There is always room enough forobservation and conjecture upon such occasions. There were, however, other characters in the rooms more particularly deserving of notice. In one corner I found Lord Anundrum, the ex-amateur director, m closeconversation with Mr. Splitlungs, a great tragedian, and Tom Little, the great poet, on the subject of a new piece written by the latter, and presented for acceptance to the former by. Mr. Splitlungs, theintermediate friend of both. I discovered the title of this master-pieceof dramatic literature to be no other than 'The Methodical Madman, orBedlam besieged. ' A little further on sat Dr. Staggerwit, who passesfor a universal genius: he is a great chemist, and a still greatergourmand, moreover a musician, has a hand in the leading Reviews, ashare m the most prominent of the daily papers; is president of severallearned institutions, over the threshold of which he has never passed, and an honorary member of others which have long been defunct: heappeared to be absorbed in contemplation, and taking but little noticeof the gaieties by which he was surrounded. My friend informed me he wasjust then endeavouring to bring before Parliament his _coup de maître_, which was a process for extracting a nourishing diet for the poor fromoyster shells. "

~~387~~~ "What the devil is the matter?" exclaimed Dashall, thrustinghis head out of the carriage window upon hearing a sudden crash. 

"Matter enough, your honour, " bawled an athletic Irishman in the habitof a sailor; "by the powers, here's Peg Pimpleface, the costermonger'sgreat grand-daughter, at sea without a rudder or compass, upset in asquall, and run bump ashore; and may I be chained to the toplights if Ithink either crew or cargo can be saved. "

It appeared that Peg Pimpleface had been round Poplar, Limehouse, andtheir vicinities, to sell her cargo of greens, potatoes, and othervegetables; and having met with tolerable success, she had refreshedherself a little too freely with the juniper, and driving herdonkey-cart towards Whitechapel, with a short pipe in her mouth, haddropped from her seat among the remains of her herbage, leaving herdonkey to the uncontrolled selection of his way home. A Blackwall stage, on the way to its place of destination, had, by a sudden jerk againstone of the wheels of Peg's crazy vehicle, separated the shafts from thebody of the cart, and the donkey being thus unexpectedly disengaged fromhis load, made the best of his bargain, by starting at full speedwith the shafts at his heels, while the cart, by the violence of theconcussion, lay in the road completely topsy turvey; consequently Tomlooked in vain for the fair sufferer who lay under it. 

"Poor Peg, " continued the Irishman, "by the powers, if her nose comestoo near the powder magazine, the whole concarn will blow up; and as Idon't think she is insured, I'll be after lending her a helping hand;"and with this, setting his shoulders to the shattered machine, at oneeffort he restored it to its proper position, and made a discovery ofPeg Pimpleface, with her ruby features close to a bunch of turnips, thewhiteness of which served to heighten in no small degree their effect:the fall, however, had not left her in the most delicate situation forpublic inspection; the latter part of her person presenting itself bare, save and except that a bunch of carrots appeared to have sympathized inher misfortune, and ~~388~~~ kindly overshadowed her brawny posteriors. As she lay perfectly motionless, it was at first conjectured that poorPeg was no longer a living inhabitant of this world: it was, however, soon ascertained that this was not the fact, for the Hibernian, afterremoving the vegetables, and adjusting her clothes, took her up in hisarms, and carried her with true Irish hospitality to a neighbouringpublic-house, where seating her, she opened her eyes, which being black, shone like two stars over the red protuberance of her face. 

"By J------s, " says Pat, "Peg's a brilliant of the first water; give hera glass of max, and she'll be herself in two minutes:" at the sound ofthis, animation was almost instantaneously restored, and Tom and hisfriends having ascertained that she had sustained no bodily harm, gavethe generous Irishman a reward for his attentions, jumped into thecarriage, and proceeded on their journey. 

They were not long on their journey to Black wall; where having arrived, the first object of attention was the East India Docks, to which theywere introduced by Mr. M. An acquaintance of Dashall's. 

"These Docks, " said Tom to his Cousin, "are a noble series of works, well worthy of the Company which produced them, though they generallyexcite less interest than the West India Docks, which are not fardistant, and of which we shall also have a sight. "

"It should be remembered, " observed Mr. M. "that these docks are solelyappropriated to the safe riding of East Indiamen. The import dock is1410 feet long, 560 wide, and 30 feet deep, covering an area of 18 acresand a half. The export dock is 780 feet long, 520 feet wide, and 30 feetdeep, covering nine acres and a half, with good wharf, and warehouseroom for loading and unloading. "

"Pray, " said Bob, "what are those immense caravans, do they belongto the shew-folk, the collectors of wild beasts and curiosities forexhibition at the fair? or------"

"They are vehicles of considerable utility, Sir, " replied Mr. M. ; "forby means of those covered waggons, all the goods and merchandize of theEast India Company are conveyed to and from their warehouses in town, under lock and key, so as to prevent fraud and smuggling. They are verycapacious, and although they have a heavy and cumbrous appearance, theymove along the road ~~389~~~ with more celerity than may be imagined;and the high wall with which the docks are surrounded, prevents thepossibility of any serious peculation being carried on within them. TheCompany are paid by a tonnage duty, which they charge to the owners. Coopers, carpenters, and blacksmiths, are continually employed inrepairing the packages of goods, landing, and snipping; and a numerousparty of labourers are at all times engaged in conveying the merchandizeto and from the shipping, by which means hundreds of families areprovided for. The Company is established by Act of Parliament, and forthe convenience of the merchants they have an office for the transactionof business in town. "

"It is a very extensive concern, " said Tallyho, "and is doubtless ofvery great utility. "

Having satisfied themselves by looking over these extensive works, Mr. M. Informed them, that adjoining the Docks was a ship-building yard, formerly well known as Perry's Yard, but now the property of Sir RobertWigram. "Probably you would like to take a view round it. "

To this having replied in the affirmative, they were quickly introduced. 

"Sir Robert, " said Mr. M. "has been, and I believe still is, aconsiderable managing owner of East India Shipping, whose fortuneappears to have advanced as his family increased, and perhaps few menhave deserved better success; he was born at Wexford, in Ireland, in theyear 1744, and was brought up under his father to the profession ofa surgeon: he left Ireland early in life, to pursue his studies inEngland, and afterwards obtained an appointment as surgeon of an EastIndiaman, and remained some years in the service: he married MissBroadhurst, the youngest daughter of Francis Broadhurst, of Mansfield, in Nottinghamshire, an eminent tanner and maltster; soon after whichhe commenced his career as owner of East India Shipping. The GeneralGoddard, commanded by William Taylor Money, Esq. Sailed under hismanagement, and was fortunate enough during the voyage to capture eightDutch East Indiamen, of considerable value, off St. Helena; since whichhe has been one of the most eminent ship-owners in the City of London. "

~~390~~~ "A proof, " said Sparkle, "of the advantages to be derived fromperseverance, and the active exercise of an intelligent mind. "

"His first wife, " continued the informant, "died in the year 1786, leaving him five children; and in the following year he married MissEleanor Watts, daughter of John Watts, Esq. Of Southampton, many yearsSecretary to the Victualling Office, who is the present Lady Wigram, the benevolence of whose heart, and gentleness of manners, have not onlyendeared her to her husband, but gained her the esteem and regard of allwho know her, and by this lady he has had seventeen children. "

"Zounds!" said Bob, "a man ought to have a mine of wealth to supportsuch a numerous progeny. "

"They are, however, all of them well provided for; and Sir Robert hasthe happiness, at an advanced age, to find himself the father of ahappy family; he rejoices once a year to have them all seated at hisown table; and has in many instances surprised his friends by anintroduction. It is related, that a gentleman from the Isle of Wightmet him near the Exchange, and after mutual salutations were passed, heinvited the gentleman to dine with him, by whom an excuse was offered, as he was not equipped for appearing at his table. 'Nonsense, ' said SirRobert, 'you must dine with me; and I can assure you there will beonly my own family present, so come along. ' Guess the surprise of hisvisitor, on being introduced to a large party of ladies and gentlemen. He was confused and embarrassed. He begged pardon, and would haveretired, declaring that Sir Robert had informed him that none but hisown family were to be present. This Sir R. Affirmed he had strictlyadhered to, and introduced his friend to his sons and daughters by name, which it may fairly be presumed, though it explained, did not exactlytend to decrease his visitor's embarrassment. "

"And these premises, " inquired Bob, "belong to the man you havedescribed?"

"The same, " said Mr. M. ; "they are managed and conducted under thesuperintendence of two of his sons. Here, East India ships are built, launched, and repaired: there are two on the stocks now of considerablemagnitude; the premises are extensive and commodious, and that highbuilding which you see is a mast-house, and the other buildings aboutthe yard are devoted to sail lofts, and shops for the various artizans, requisite to complete the ~~391~~~ grand design of building and fittingout a ship for sea. From this yard you have a fine view over the marshestowards Woolwich, and also a commanding prospect of Greenwich Hospital. The various vessels and boats passing and repassing at all times, givevariety to the scene before you; and when a launch takes place, thewhole neighbourhood represents something of the nature of a carnival;the river is covered with boats filled with company, and every part ofthe shore near the spot from which the magnificent piece of mechanism isto burst upon its native element, is equally occupied; temporarybooths are erected upon each side of what is termed the cradle, for theaccommodation of invited visitors; bands play as she moves, and a bottleof wine is thrown at her head as she glides from the stocks, when hername is pronounced amidst the universal shouts of huzza. "

"It must be a most gratifying sight, " observed Bob, "to see her cleavethe watery world; indeed it is a very pleasing view we have alreadyhad of these floating castles, though I must also remark, that yourdescriptions have added greatly to the enjoyment, and I think we aremuch indebted for your kindness. "

They now parted with Mr. M. ; and after refreshing with a glass of wineand a sandwich at the Plough, they proceeded to the West India Docks, the entrance to which required no introduction. "Here, " said Dashall, "you will find a much longer space occupied than at the East IndiaDocks. These were undertaken according to an Act of Parliament passedin 1799, and the place was formerly called the Isle of Dogs, though itmight almost as appropriately have been called the Isle of Boys. Uponthe wharfs and quays adjoining, all West India ships unload and loadtheir cargoes. "

"And exclusively, I suppose, " interrogated Tallyho, "for theaccommodation of West India Shipping?"

"Exactly so, " continued Tom; "the West India Trade generally arrives infleets, and formerly used to create much crowding, confusion, and damagein the river; but these ships being now disposed of in the docks, theovergrown trade of the port is carried on with pleasure and convenience;for notwithstanding they have occasioned a very important trade tobe removed to a considerable and even inconvenient distance from themetropolis, yet the advantages to the Port of London are upon the wholeincalculable. 

~~392~~~ "The Northern Dock for unloading inwards is 2600 by 510feet, and 29 feet deep, covering a space of 30 acres, and capableof containing from two to three hundred sail of vessels, in greatersecurity than the river could afford them; and the West India DockCompany are reimbursed for the accommodation by a tonnage of 6s. Uponthe burthen of every ship which enters the docks; besides which they areentitled to charge for wharfage, landing, housing, weighing, cooperage, and warehouse room; certain rates upon all goods that are discharged, such as 8d. Per cwt. Upon sugar; 1d. Per gallon upon rum; Is. 6d. Percwt. Upon coffee; 2s. 6d. Per cwt. Upon cotton, wool, &c. : and all thisimmense business is conducted with a general order and regularity whichgreatly facilitates the business of the merchant. "

"But, " said Sparkle, "I apprehend it subjects him to something more ofexpense than he incurred by the former mode of proceeding. "

"I am not able decidedly to answer, " continued Tom; "but in the main, Iexpect that if so, it is well worth what is paid to have the additionalsecurity. The forms of conducting the business may sometimes be attendedwith considerable trouble, but there are persons so well acquainted withthem by habitual practice, that there cannot be much difficulty at thisperiod. This is the Export Dock, which covers an area of 24 acres, andis 2600 by 400 feet, and 29 deep. The immense buildings round the twodocks, are warehouses for the reception of goods, and are of the mostsubstantial description; and to enable shipping in their passage up anddown the Thames to avoid the circuitous and inconvenient course roundthe Isle of Dogs, a canal has been cut across this peninsula, throughwhich, upon paying certain moderate rates, all ships, vessels, andcraft, are permitted to pass in their passage up and down the river. In seeing this, and the East India Docks, you have seen pretty well thenature of the whole, for they are all of a similar construction, forsimilar purposes, and under similar management: but we will now look inat the London Docks, which are situated between Ratcliffe Highway andthe Thames, then home to dinner, and to dress for Lady M. 's party in theevening. "

~~393~~~ Thus saying, they took their way towards the place he hadmentioned. It would, however, be extending description more thannecessary, after the preceding observations of the Hon. Tom Dashall, except to state that the Dock covers 20 acres of ground, and is 1262feet long, 699 feet wide, and 27 deep. The warehouses, situated at theeastern extremity, are two in number, appropriated for the reception oftobacco; the largest 762 feet long, and 160 feet wide, equally dividedby a strong partition wall, with double iron doors; the smallest is 250feet by 200. They consist of a ground floor and vaults, the latter ofwhich are devoted to the care and housing of wines, in which are usually5000 pipes. They are solely under the control of the Customs, and theproprietors of the Docks have nothing more to do with them than toreceive the rent. Other warehouses are devoted to the reception of thevarious articles of commerce, and the small buildings situated near theedge are appropriated to counting-houses for clerks and officers, andfor weighing and pileing the goods, workshops, &c. As in the West IndiaDocks. The capital of the Company is about £2, 000, 000, and the ultimateprofits are limited to 10 per cent. The building was commenced in 1802, and the grand dock was opened in 1805. In the immense subterraneouscaverns under the warehouses, all wines imported by the London merchantare deposited, without paying the import duty, until it is fullydisposed of by the owner: a practice which is termed bonding, and savesthe proprietor the advance of the duty to government out of his capital. When the merchant finds a person likely to become a purchaser, hedirects a written order to the cellarman, to peg certain pipes whichare a part of his stock, in order that the visitor may taste the varioussamples, and select from them such as he is most agreeable to purchase. "

"And no small convenience, of course, " said Bon, "and of course thegoods are not allowed to be removed till the duties and charges are paidby the purchaser. "

"Certainly, " was the reply; "they are held as a security for theirultimate payment; but come, as we have already seen enough of docks, letus make the best of our way home. "

~~394~~~ Upon arrival in Piccadilly, a letter from Merrywell remindedTom of his proposed journey to the country, with the additionalattraction of Merrywell's description of the parson's daughter, whom hesuggested might in all probability become his wife. 

Sparkle likewise received a letter from home, reminding him of theexpectations entertained of his early arrival. After dinner the eveningwas spent in the most agreeable and pleasant way, where our friendsengaged themselves with tripping it on the light fantastic toe at LadyM. 's, till the beams of the morning darted upon them. 

CHAPTER XXX

 I'm amaz'd at the signs As I pass through the town, To see the odd mixture, "A Magpie and Crown, " "The Whale and the Crow. " "The Razor and Hen, " "The Leg and Seven Stars, " "The Bible and Swan, " "The Axe and the Bottle, " "The Tun and the Lute, " "The Eagle and Child, " "The Shovel and Boot. "

~~395~~~The proposed time for departure having pressed hard upon our friends, (who though determined to quit the gaieties of London, still seemed tolinger, like the moth about the candle, unwilling to separate themselvesfrom its delights, ) preparations were at length decided and acted upon;the Hon. Tom Dashall having ordered his servants to proceed on the roadwith the carriage, horses, and other appendages of his rank, givingtime for arrival at the place of destination by easy stages, in orderto avoid over fatiguing either his attendants or his horses, an examplewhich was followed by Sparkle and Tallyho, who had mutually agreed totravel by the Mail; for which purpose places were accordingly taken atthe Bull and Mouth, which being announced to Tallyho, he took occasionto ask his Cousin for an explanation of so singular a sign for an Inn. 

"As far as I am able to learn, " replied Tom, "it was originally theMouth of Boulogne Harbour, or Boulogne Mouth, --and from thence corruptedto the Bull and Mouth. There are, however, many curious signs, to tracethe original derivation of which, has afforded me many amusing momentsduring my perambulation through the streets of the metropolis; indeed ithas often struck me, that the signs in many instances are so opposite tothe several professions they are intended to designate, that some remedyshould certainly be applied. "

~~396~~~ "And how, " said Sparkle, "would you propose to have theexhibition of signs regulated?"

"That, " said Dashall, "as a subject of deep importance, ought to besubjected to the legislative body for decision: it will be enough forme to point out a few instances which have come under my own immediatenotice. 

"A short time back, as I was passing near Smithfield, I was surprisedat observing the sign of 'The Cow and Snuffers;' and whilst I wasendeavouring to throw some light upon this subject, and puzzling myselfin endeavouring to discover how it was possible for a Cow to snuff aCandle, or even a farthing rushlight; nay, even how it could happenthat so strange an association should take place, I was diverted frommy study on turning round, to find that some artist had exercised hisingenuity in painting a Goat in Jack Boots. At first I conceived thismust be intended as a satire on our old debauchees, many of whomhide their spindled shanks in the tasselled hessian. These provinginexplicable to my shallow understanding, I pursued my walk, andobserved against a strong newbuilt house--'A Hole in the Wall;' and notfar from the Fleet Prison, I perceived, with some surprise, 'A Friend atHand. ' Over a house kept by Nic. Coward, I saw 'The Fighting Cocks;' andat a crimping rendezvous, remarked, 'The Tree of Liberty. '--'The JollyGardeners' were stuck up at a purl house; and I can assure you, it waswith much mortification I detected 'The Three Graces' at a gin shop. "

"Ha, ha, ha, " said Tallyho, laughing, "very natural combinations ofcharacters and subjects for a contemplative philosopher like yourself toexercise your ingenuity upon. "

"Passing by a public-house, " continued Tom, "the landlady of whichwas exercising her tongue with the most clamorous volubility, I couldscarcely credit my eyes to find the sign of 'The Good Woman, ' or, inother words, a woman without a head. Entering a house for refreshment, I was told, after calling the waiter for near an hour, that I was atthe sign of 'The Bell;' and upon desiring the master of 'The Hen andChickens, ' to send ~~397~~~ me home a fine capon, he shewed me somecambric, and assured me it was under prime cost. The most ominous signfor a customer, I thought, was 'The Three Pigeons;' and I own it waswith considerable astonishment when, after ordering a bed at 'TheFeathers, ' I was compelled to pass the night on a straw mattrass. I havebreakfasted at 'The Red Cow, ' where there was no milk to be had; andat the sign of 'The Sow and Pigs, ' have been unable to procure a singlerasher of bacon. At 'The Bell Savage, ' (which by the way is said to be acorruption of La Belle Sauvage, or 'The Beautiful Savage, ') I have foundrational and attentive beings; and I have known those who have boltedthrough 'The Bolt in Tun, ' in order to avoid being bolted in a prison. "

"Vastly well, indeed, " exclaimed Sparkle; "and after all there is muchto be done by a sign as well as by an advertisement in the newspapers, however inappropriate. The custom is of very ancient date, having beenmade use of even by the Romans; and not many years back a bush of ivy, or a bunch of grapes, was used for the purpose; nay, to the present daythey may be met with in many places. The Bush is perhaps one of themost ancient of public-house signs, which gave rise to the well-knownproverb, "Good wine needs no bush. "

That is to say, it requires nothing to point out where it is sold. At country fairs, you will frequently see the houses in its vicinitydecorated with a Bush or a Bough, from which they are termed BoughHouses, where accommodation may be found. This practice, I know, isstill in use at Boroughbridge, in Yorkshire, during their annual fair inJune, which lasts a week or ten days. But putting up boughs as a sign ofany thing to be sold, was not confined to alehouses; for in old times, such as sold horses were wont to put flowers or boughs upon their heads, to reveal that they were vendible. {1}

 1 In all probability from this practice originated the well known proverb, "As fine as a horse, "

 an illustration of which, from the "Life of Mrs. Pilkington, " is here subjoined:--

 "They took places in the waggon for Chester, and quitted London early on May morning; and it being the custom on the first of this month to give the waggoner at every Inn a ribbon to adorn his team, she soon discovered the origin of the proverb 'as fine as a horse;' for before they got to the end of the journey, the poor beasts were almost blinded by the tawdry party-coloured flowing honours of their heads. "

~~398~~~ In Scotland, a wisp of straw upon a pole, is or was some yearsago the indication of an alehouse; and to this day a ship or vessel forsale may be discovered by a birch broom at the mast head. I rememberreading, that in Fleet Market, on the eastern side, there were somesmall houses, with a sign post, representing two hands conjoined, withwords, "Marriages performed within" written beneath them, whilst a dirtyfellow assailed the ears of the passengers with the reiterated and loudaddress of, "Sir, will you walk in and be married, " (as if the dread ofany stoppage in the trade of conjugality was threatening mankind withpremature extinction, ) and the parson was seen walking before his shop, ready to couple you for a dram of gin or a roll of tobacco. "

"Those were the times for getting married, " exclaimed Bob, "noaffidavits, certificates, and exposures at church doors!"

"No, " continued Sparkle, "those are signs of altered times. A wittywigmaker adopted the sign of Absolom hanging to a tree, with King Davidlamenting at a distance, who was represented with a label issuing fromhis mouth, containing these words--

 "O Absolom! my Son! my Son! Had'st thou a peruke worn, thou had'st not been undone. "

This sign, if I remember right, was to be seen a few years since inUnion-street, Borough, and is not uncommon even now in France, where youmay also find the 'Cochon sans Tete, ' (the pig without a head, ) which isgenerally a restaurateur's sign, indicating that 'good pork is here--theuseless animal's head is off, ' illustrative of the Negro's opinion ofa pig in England--"de pig, " said Mungo, "is de only gentleman inEngland--man workee, woman workee, horse workee, ass workee, ox workee, and dog workee--pig do nothing but eat and sleep--pig derefore de onlygentleman in England. '"

~~399~~~ The conversation increased in interest as they proceeded, andTallyho was all attention; for it must be observed, that as his inquiryhad occasioned it, he was willing to listen to all that could beadvanced on the subject; and the Hon. Tom Dashall determined to have hisshare in the explanation. 

"The 'Man in the Moon, '" said he, "is derived from the old observation, that a tipsy person is 'in the wind, ' or 'in the moon, ' (a lunatic. ) Thesign may therefore be thought to give this advice, 'Here is good drink, gentlemen, walk in and taste it; it will make you as happy as the man inthe moon; that is to say, steep your senses in forgetfulness. '--'TheBag of Nails' was the sign of an Inn at Chelsea, which may perhapsbe noticed as the _ne plus ultra_ of ludicrous corruption, havingoriginally been a group of _Bacchanals_. "

Here risibility could no longer be restrained, and a general laughensued. 

"A group of Bacchanals, however, " continued Tom, "is certainly not anout of the way sign for an Inn, nor do I conceive its corruption sovery _outre'_, when we look at others that have suffered much strangermetamorphoses; for who would have thought that time could have performedsuch wonderful changes as to have transformed a view of Boulogne Harbourinto a Black Bull, and a tremendous mouth sufficiently large toswallow its neighbours, horns and all; or the name La Belle Sauvage, orBeautiful Savage, into a bell, and a gigantic wild man of the woods. "

"Then again, " said Sparkle, "taking up the subject, "the pole and bason, though no longer the exhibited emblems of a barber's occupation inLondon, are still very often to be met with in its environs and in thecountry, where they are ostentatiously protruded from the front ofthe house, and denote that one of those facetious and intelligentindividuals, who will crop your head or mow your beard, 'dwelleth here. 'Like all other signs, that of the barber is of remote antiquity, and hasbeen the subject of many learned conjectures: some have conceived itto originate from the word poll, or head; but the true intention ofthe party-coloured staff, was to indicate that the master of the shoppractised surgery, and could breathe a vein, as well as shave a beard;such a staff being to this day used by practitioners, and put into thehand of the patient while undergoing the operation of phlebotomy: thewhite band, which no doubt you have observed encompassing the staff, wasmeant to represent the fillet, thus elegantly twined about it. 

~~400~~~ "And this, " said Sparkle, "appears to be the most reasonableconjecture of any I ever heard, as it is well known the two businesseswere in former times incorporated together, and the practiser was termed'A Barber Surgeon. ' Then as to their utility: the choice of awitty device, or splendid enluminure, was formerly thought of greatconsequence to a young beginner in the world; and I remember reading ofan Innkeeper at Cassel, who having considerably profited by his numerouscustomers under the sign of 'The Grey Ass, ' supposing himself wellestablished in his trade and his house, began to be tired of the vulgarsign over his door, and availed himself of the arrival of the Landgraveof Hesse, to make (as he thought) a very advantageous change. In anevil hour, therefore, 'The Grey Ass' was taken down and thrown aside, in order to give place to a well painted and faithful likeness of thePrince, which was substituted for it as a most loyal sign. 

"A small and almost unfrequented house in the same town, immediatelytook up the discarded sign, and speculatively hoisted 'The Grey Ass. 'What was the consequence? Old codgers, married men with scolding Avivesat home, straggling young fellows, and all the 'fraternity of freetopers, ' resorted to the house, filled the tap-room, crammed theparlour, and assailed the bar: the Grey Ass had the run, and was allthe vogue; whilst the venerable Prince of Hesse swung mournfullyand deserted at the other place, and enticed no visitors, foreignor domestic; for it should be observed, that 'The Grey Ass' had suchreputation all over Germany, that every foreign nobleman or gentlemanwho came to Cassel, was sure to order his coach or chaise to be drivento the inn of that name; and this order of course was still continued, for how was it to be known by travellers coming from Vienna, Hungary, orBohemia, that a certain innkeeper at Cassel had altered his sign? To theinn, therefore, which was denominated 'The Grey Ass, ' they still went. 

"What could the poor deserted innkeeper do in such a case? To deface thefine portrait of his master, would have been high treason; yet losinghis customers on the other hand was downright starvation. In this crueldilemma he dreamt of a new scheme, and had it executed. 

~~401~~~ The portrait of the Prince was preserved, but he had writtenunder it, in large characters, 'This is the Original Grey Ass. '

"Excellent!" exclaimed the Hon. Tom Dashall, "though I must confessyou have travelled a long way for your illustration, which is quitesufficient to shew the utility of signs. But I would ask you if you canexplain or point out the derivation of many we have in London--such forinstance as 'The Pig and Tinder-Box'--'The Prad and Blower'--'The Birdand Baby'--'The Tyrant and Trembler'--'The Fist and Fragrance'"

"Hold, " cried Sparkle, "I confess I am not quite so learned. "

"They are novel at least, " observed Tallyho, "for I do not recollect tohave met with any of them. "

"Ha, ha, ha!" exclaimed Tom, "then you are not fly, and I must addsomething to your stock of knowledge after all. The Pig and Tinder-Boxis no other than the Elephant and Castle--The Prad and Blower, the Horseand Trumpeter--The Bird and Baby, the Eagle and Child--The Tyrantand Trembler, the Lion and Lamb--The Fist and Fragrance, the Hand andFlowers. Then we have the Book, Bauble, and holler, which is intended tosignify the Bible, Crown, and Cushion. "

At this moment a thundering knock at the door announced a visitor, andput an end to their conversation. 

In a few minutes a letter was delivered to Dashall, which required animmediate answer: he broke the seal, and read as follows:--

"Dear Tom, "Come to me immediately--no time to be lost--insulted andabused--determined to fight Bluster--You must be my second--I'll blowhis blustering brains out at one pop, never fear. At home at 7, dine athalf-past; don't fail to come: I will explain all over a cool bottle ofclaret--then I shall be calm, at present I am all fire and fury--don'tfail to come--half-past seven to a moment on table. You and I alone--toeto toe, my boy--I'll finish him, and remain, as ever, "Yours, sincerely, "Lionel Laconic. "

~~402~~~ "Here's a breeze, " said Tom; "desire the messenger to say Ishall attend at the appointed hour. Death and the devil, this defeatsall previous arrangement; but Laconic is an old college friend, whom Idare not desert in a moment of emergency. I fear I shall not be able, under such circumstances, to leave town so early as was proposed. "

"Sorry for it, " replied Sparkle, "and more sorry to be deprived of yourcompany now our time is so short; however, I depart according to thetime appointed. "

"And I, " said Tallyho, "having no honorable business to detain me intown, intend to accompany you. "

"If that be the case, " said Tom, "I may perhaps be almost obliged todelay a few days, in order to adjust this difference between Bluster andLaconic, and will follow at the earliest moment. It is, however, a dutywe owe each other to render what assistance we can in such cases. " "Ithought, " continued Tallyho, "you were no friend to duelling. "

"By no means, " was the reply; "and that is the very reason why I thinkit necessary to delay my departure. I know them both, and may be ableto bring matters to an amicable conclusion; for to tell you the truth, Idon't think either of them particularly partial to the smell of powder;but of that I shall be able to inform you hereafter; for the presentexcuse me--I must prepare for the visit, while you prepare yourselvesfor your departure. "

Sparkle and Tallyho wished Tom a pleasant evening, took their dinnerat the Bedford Coffee-house, and spent the evening at Covent-GardenTheatre, much to their satisfaction, though not without manyanticipations as to the result of their friend's interference betweenthe two hot-headed duellists. 

CHAPTER XXXI

 "The music, and the wine, The garlands, the rose odours, and the flowers, The sparkling eyes, and flashing ornaments, The white arms, and the raven hair--the braids And bracelets--swan-like bosoms, and the necklace, An India in itself, yet dazzling not the eye Like what it circled. 

 All the delusions of the gaudy scene, Its false and true enchantments--all which Swam before the giddy eyes. "

~~403~~~Dashall being wholly occupied by the unexpected affair noticed in ourlast Chapter, had left his Cousin and friends to amuse themselves inthe best way they could, prior to the completion of the necessaryarrangements for quitting the metropolis. The party were undecided uponwhat object to fix their choice, or how to bend their course; andwhile warmly discussing the subject, were suddenly interrupted by theappearance of Gayfield, who learning that Dashall was from home, andupon what occasion, broke out with his usual volubility. 

"Well, these affairs of honor certainly are imperious, and no doubtought to take precedence of every thing else. My object in calling waschiefly to give him a description of the Countess of ------'s rout onSaturday last, in Berkeley-square, where I intimated I should be, whenI last fell in with him. '_Oh Ciélo Empireo_. ' I'm enchanted yet, positively enchanted! I ought to have Petrarch's pen to describe sucha scene and such dresses. Then should a robe of Tulle vie with that ofLaura at the church door--that dress of '_Vert parsemée de violets_. 'But softly, let us begin with the beginning, _Bélier mon ami_. What agalaxy of all the stars of fashion! It was a paradise of loveliness, fitfor Mahomet. All the beauties of the Georgian Æra were present. Thosereal graces, their Graces of A------ and R------ were among the number. 

~~404~~~ The Countess of L------ and Lady F------ O------ would make onecry heresy when the poets limit us to a single Venus. And then the LadyP------'s. Heaven keep us heart-whole when such stars rain their softinfluence upon us. As to the Countess of B------, with her diamondtiara, and eyes brighter than her diamonds, she looked so goddess-like, that I was tempted to turn heathenish and worship. Indeed, that brighteyes should exert their brilliancy amid the dazzling brightness of ourfair and elegant hostess's rooms, is no trifle. Dancing commenced ateleven; and, although my vanity allured me to think that the favorableglances of more than one would-be partner were directed towards me, I felt no inclination to sport a toe in the absence of Lady L. M. By-the-by, Count C------ told me, with a profusion of foreign compliment, that I and the 'observed of all observers, ' Lord E------h, were the bestdrest male personages at the rout. 

Thanks to the magical operation of the Schneider, who makes or mars aman. 

"The _coup d'oil_ of the scene was charming. _Cétoit unvrai délice_--that atmosphere of light, of fragrance, and ofmusic--gratifying all the senses at once. Oh! what bosoms, arms, andnecks were thronging round me! Phidias, had he attempted to copy them, would have forgotten his work to gaze and admire. Description fails inpicturing the _tout ensemble_, --the dazzling chandeliers blazinglike constellations--the richly draperied _meubles_--the magnificentdresses--and then so many eyes, like stars glittering round one; like'Heaven, ' as Ossian says, 'beaming with all its fires. '

"In the midst of my admiration, I was accosted by Caustic, and expressedmy surprise at finding him in such a scene--'A rout, ' he replied, 'isjust one of those singular incoherences which supply me with laughterfor a month. Was there ever such a tissue of inconsistencies assembledas in these pleasure hunts? On stepping from your carriage, you run thegauntlet through two lines of quizzing spectators, who make great eyes, as the French term it, at you, and some of whom look as if they took afancy to your knee buckles. A double row of gaudy footmen receive you inthe blazing hall, and make your name echo up the stairs, as you ascend, in a voice of thunder. Your _tête s'exalte_, and when you expect to beushered into the Temple of Fame, you find yourself embedded (pardon themetaphor) in a _parterre_ of female beauty. '

~~405~~~ "As for me, " I replied, interrupting the satirist, "I delightin such things. I believe that fashion, like kings, can do no wrong. "

"And so you would rather have your ribs beat in, than your name leftout. But look round you, in God's name! what is the whole scene but &fashionable mob met together to tread on each other's heels and teareach other's dresses? Positively, you cannot approach the mistress ofthe mansion to pay those common courtesies which politeness in all othercases exacts. And how so many delicate young creatures can bear a heat, pressure and fatigue, which would try the constitution of a porter, is_incroyable_. Talk of levelling! This 'is the chosen seat of _égalité_. 'All distinctions of age, grace, rank, accomplishment, and wit, are lostin the midst of a constantly accumulating crowd. What nerves but thoseof pride and vanity, can bear the heat, the blaze of light, the buzz ofvoices above, and the roar of announcements from below?"

"While Caustic was speaking, his reasoning received a curious andapposite illustration. Three or four ladies near us began fainting, oraffected to faint, and hartshorn and gentlemen's arms were in generalrequisition. Notwithstanding his acerbity, Caustic, like a preuxchevalier, pressed forward to offer his aid where the pressure was mostoppressive, and where the fainting ladies were dropping by dozens, likeripe fruit in autumn. As for myself, I was just in time to receive inmy arms a beautiful girl who was on the point of sinking, and, beingprovided with hartshorn, my assistance was so effectual, with the aid ofa neighbouring window, that I had the satisfaction of restoring her ina few minutes to her friends, who did all they could, by crowding roundher with ill-timed condolements, to prevent her recovery. By this timethe rest of the ladies took warning from these little misadventures toretire. Caustic, in his sardonic way, would insist upon it, that theyretired to avoid that exposure of defects in beauty, which the firstray of morning produces. I took my _congé_ among the rest, and foundthe hubbub which attended my entrance, increased to a tenfold degreeof violence at my exit; for the uproar of calling 'My Lord This'scarriage, ' and 'My Lady That's chair, ' was nothing in comparison tothe noise produced ~~406~~~ by servants quarrelling, police officersremonstrating, carriages cracking, and linkboys hallooing. Some of themob had, it appeared, made an irruption into the hall, to steal whatgreat-coats, cocked hats, or pelisses they could make free with. Thiswas warmly protested against by the footmen and the police, and aregular set-to was the consequence. Through this 'confusion worseconfounded' I with difficulty made my way to the carriage, and was notsorry, as the slang phrase is, to make myself scarce. "

The party could not feel otherwise than amused by Gayfield's descriptionof the rout; and the conversation taking a turn on similar subjects, Sparkle, ever ambitious of displaying his talent for descriptive humour, gave the following sketch of a fashionable dinner party:--

"I went with Colonel A------, by invitation, to dine with Lord F. , in Portman Square. Lord F. Is a complete gentleman; and, though sadlyinconvenienced by the gout, received me with that frank, cordial, and well-bred ease which always characterizes the better class of theEnglish nobility. The company consisted of two or three men of politicaleminence; Lord Wetherwool, a great agriculturist; Viscount Flash, anamateur of the Fancy; Lord Skimcream, an ex-amateur director of a wintertheatre; Lord Flute, an amateur director of the Opera, whose familymotto, by a lucky coincidence, is '_Opera non Verba_. ' There were, moreover, Mr. Highsole, a great tragedian, and my friend Tom Sapphic, the dandy poet; one of those bores, the 'Lions' of the season. He hadjust brought out a new tragedy, called the 'Bedlamite in Buff, ' underthe auspices of Lord Skimcream; and it had been received, asthe play-bills announced, with 'unprecedented, overwhelming, andelectrifying applause. ' Of course I concluded that it would live twonights, and accounted for the dignified _hauteur_ of my friend Tom'sbow, as he caught my eye, by taking into consideration the above-namedunprecedented success. There was also present the universal genius, Dr. Project, to whom I once introduced you. He is a great chymist, anda still greater _gourmand_; moreover, a musician; has a hand in theleading reviews; a share in the most prominent of the daily papers. "Little was said till the wine and desert were introduced; and then theconversation, as might naturally be expected from the elements of whichthe party was composed, split itself into several subdivisions. As Isat ~~407~~~ next to Colonel A. , I had the advantage of his greaterfamiliarity with the personages at table. Lord Wetherwool was as absurdas he could possibly be on the subject of fattening oxen. Lord Flute andViscount Flash laid bets on the celerity of two maggots, which they hadset at liberty from their respective nut-shells. The noble ex-director, Highsole and Sapphic, were extremely warm in discussing the causes ofthe present degradation of the stage; each shuffling the responsibilityfrom the members of their own profession and themselves. Dr. Projectentertained his noble host with an interminable dissertation uponoxygen, hydrogen, and all the _gens_ in the chemical vocabulary; forpatience in enduring which his Lordship was greatly indebted to hispreparatory fit of the gout. Meanwhile, the lordling exquisites onlyfired off a few 'lady terms, ' like minute guns and 'angel visits, ' withlong intervals between, filling up the aforesaid intervals by sippingChampagne and eating _bonbons_. The essence of what they said, amountedto mutual wonder at the d------d run of luck last night, in King-street;or mutual felicitation on the new faces which had appeared that day, forthe first time, among the old standing beauties who charm Bond-street, at lounge hours, either in curricle or on foot. For my part, I wasattracted towards the discussion of the dramatic trio, not because Iaffect, as the cant of the day is, to have a particular attrait towardsthe _belles lettres_, but merely because the more plebeian disputantswere vociferous, (a thing not often observed among fashionables) and_outré_ in their gesticulations, even to caricature. 'What do you thinkof their arguments?' I inquired, _sotte voce_, of Colonel A. 'If we areto be decided by their conjoint statements, no one is to blame for thedegradation of the stage. '

"'They are all in the right, ' returned he, '(excuse the paradox, )because they are all in the wrong. There is a rottenness in the wholetheatrical system, which, unless it terminate, like manure thrown atthe root of trees, in some new fructification of genius, will end byrendering the national theatres national nuisances. With reference tothe interests of literature, they are a complete hoax. To please themanager, the object which the writer must have in view, he must notpaint nature or portray character, but write up, as the cant phraseis, to the particular forte of Mr. So and So, or Miss Such-a-one. Theconsequence is, that the public get only one species of fare, and thatis pork, varied indeed, as broiled, baked, roasted, and boiled; butstill pork, nothing but pork. '

~~408~~~ "'But surely, ' I rejoined, 'Mr. Sapphic and Mr. Highsoleare gentlemen of high acquirements, independently of their severalprofessions, or a nobleman of Lord F------'s taste and discrimination--'

"'There you are falling into an error, ' returned the colonel, interrupting me; 'it is the fashion to introduce actors at the tables ofour great men; but, in my opinion, it is a 'custom more honored in thebreach than the observance. ' I have known several good actors on thestage, very indifferent actors in society, and large characters in theplay-bills, as well as loud thunders from the gods, may be earned byvery stupid, very vulgar, and very ill-bred companions. The same maybe said of poets. We are poor creatures at best, and the giant ofa reviewer very often cuts but a very sorry figure when left to thericketty stilts of his own unsupported judgment in a drawing-room. Youare tolerably familiar with our political parties; but you are yet tobe acquainted with our literary squads, which are the most bigotted, selfish, exclusive, arrogant, little knots of little people it ispossible to conceive. '

"By the time that Colonel A------had ended his short initiation intothese various arcana, the company broke up; the doctor to give a lectureon egg-shells at the Committee of Taste; Lord Flute to visit the Opera;Lord Skimcream to the Green Boom; Lord Flash to 'Fives Court, ' to see aset-to by candle-light; the exquisites to Bouge et Noir or Almack's;and Lord Wetherwool to vote on an agricultural question, withoutunderstanding a syllable of its merits. 

"Nevertheless, " I soliloquized as I rode home, "his Lordship willbe surprised and gratified, I dare say, to find himself a perfectDemosthenes in the newspaper reports of to-morrow morning. Hems, coughs, stammerings, blowing of the nose, and ten-minute lapses of memory, all vanish in passing through the sieves and bolters of a report. Whatmagicians the reporters are! What talents, what powers of language theyprofusely and gratuitously bestow! Somnus protect me from hearing anybut some half dozen orators in both houses! The reader, who peruses thereport, has only the flour of the orator's efforts provided for him. But Lord help the unfortunate patient in the gallery, who, hopelessof getting through the dense mass which occupy the seats round him, iscondemned to sit with an 'aching head, ' and be well nigh choaked withthe husks and the bran. "

~~409~~~ Our party felt so much amused by these lively andcharacteristic pictures of real life among the Corinthians of theMetropolis, that all thoughts of seeking amusement out of doors appearedfor the present relinquished; and Sparkle, to keep the subject alive, resumed as follows. 

"In order to give some shade and variety to this sketch of societyin the west, we will now, if agreeable, travel eastward as far as theentrance to the City, where I will introduce you, in fancy, to what must(at least to our friend Tallyho) afford both novelty and surprise. 

"Some time ago, and before I was quite so well versed in the knowledgeof Life in London as at present, through the medium of one of the 'youngmen of genius about town, ' I became a member of a new philosophicalsociety called the Socratics, held at a certain house near Temple Bar. Having been plucked by several kind friends, till I resembled the 'manof Diogenes, ' I concluded that here, at least, my pockets might betolerably safe from the diving of a friendly hand. Philosophers, I wastold by my friend the introducer, had souls above money; their thoughtswere too sublime and contemplative for such worldly-minded concerns. I should have a great deal of instruction for little or nothing; I hadonly to pay my two guineas per annum, and the business was done; thegate of science was open, and nothing farther was requisite than to pushforward and imitate Socrates. But how strangely do our anticipationsmislead our sober judgments!

 'Jove breaks the tallest stilts of human trust, And levels those who use them with the dust. '

"The proprietor of the institution was rather courtier-like inmaking promises, which the managers of course considered as much toocommon-place and mechanical to be kept. It professed to exclude politicsand religion from the touch of its scientific paws; in other words, fromits discussions; but, alas!

 'It kept the word of promise to the ear And broke it to the hope. '

~~410~~~ "The only subjects which it did not exclude were politicsand religion. Neither could it be said that either of these subjectsreceived more benefit from the way in which they were handled, thana white dress would from the handling of a chimney-sweeper, the firstbeing made as black as possible in the form of Tom-Payneism, and thelatter served up in the improved shape of Hartleyism or Atheism. Undersuch instruction it was scarcely possible but that I should, in processof time, become qualified, not only for a philosopher, but a legislatorof the first water; and I had serious thoughts of offering my services, for the purpose of drawing up a code of laws, to the Otaheitans or theCalmucks. If I had gone on improving as I did, I might, perhaps, havecarried out to some Backwood settlement or Atlantic island, as pretty aUtopian prescription, under the designation of a constitution, as couldwell be desired in the most philosophical community. But one of thosesad trifles which suffocate great ideas, and sometimes terminate insuffocating philosophers, put a stop to my further enlightenment for thepresent, by drying up the treasury of the Socratics. The philosopherswere the most civil as well as the most unfortunate people in the world. One or other of them was always in want of money, either to perfectsome great scheme, or to save him from the unscientific 'handling' of abailiff. It was enough to move a mile-stone, to think how the progressof improvement, or 'march of mind, ' as it is called, might be delayed bybeing too cold-hearted; and it did move my purse to such a degree, thatat length I had the satisfaction of discerning truth, sitting sola, atthe bottom of it. My pocket consumption, however, was not instant, butprogressive; it might be called a slow fever. Some of the philosophersvisited me for a loan, like a monthly epidemy; others drained me likea Tertian; and one or two came upon me like an intermittent ague, every other day. Among these was Mr. Hoaxwell, the editor, as he calledhimself, of a magazine. This fellow had tried a number of schemes inthe literary line, though none had hitherto answered. But he had theadvantage and credit of shewing in his own person, the high repute inwhich literature is held in London, for he could seldom walk the streetswithout having two followers at his heels, one of whom frequently tappedhim on the shoulder, no doubt, to remind him of mortality, like theslave in the ~~411~~~ Roman triumphs. The favourite thesis of thisgentleman, was the 'march of mind;' and on this subject he would spouthis half hour in so effectual a manner, as to produce two very oppositeeffects; viz. The closing of the eyes of the elder philosophers, andthe opening of mine, which latter operation was usually rendered moreeffectual by his concluding inquiry of 'have you such a thing as a poundnote about you?'

 To match this saint, there was another, As busy and perverse a brother. 

"This was the treasurer of the Socratics, Thomas Carney Littlego, Esq. And a treasure of a treasurer he was. This gentleman was a pupil ofEsculapius, and united in his own person the various departments ofdentist, apothecary, and surgeon. It is presumed that he found theemployment of drawing the eye teeth of Philosophical Tyros moreprofitable, and bleeding the young Socratics more advantageous, thanphysicking his patients. In his lectures he advocated the system ofresearch, and admired deduction; and this I, among many others, hadreason, at last, to know. It was very odd, but so it was, that some twoor three hundred per annum, subscribed by the members of the society, vanished into the worthy treasurer's pocket, as it were a Moskoestron, and then disappeared for ever. 

"Another of the Socratics was called Epictetus Moonshine, Esquire. Thisgentleman was a tall spider-like man, with lantern jaws, hatchet face, and a mouth--the chief characteristic of which was, that it made adiagonal line from the bottom of the face to the eyebrow. He was agreat speculator, and had taken it into his head, that beyond theblue mountains in New South Wales, was the real El Dorado. But as hepossessed, according to the usual phrase, more wit than money, and noone will discount a check from the aforesaid wit on change, the zealof Epictetus Moonshine, some time after the breaking up of the Socraticinstitution for benefitting the human race, so much got the better ofself-love, that he committed several petty larcenies in hopes of beingtransported thither; but whether his courage or his luck failed him, certain it is that he never reached the proper degree of criminality, and only succeeded in visiting by turns the various penitentiaries inLondon and its vicinity. 

~~412~~~ "'You mistake greatly, Sir, ' said he, to one of the visitinggovernors of Bridewell, who condoled with a man of his talents in such aposition, 'if you think a residence in this sequestered haunt a subjectof regret. The mind, as Milton says, is its own seat, and able of itselfto make--

 'A heaven of hell, a hell of heaven. '

And now I am on the subject of stoicism, permit me to shew you a picturewhich I have just chalked out, wherein I prove that there is no suchthing as pain in the world. That all which we now feel is imagination;that the idea of body is deception. I have had it printed, --written infourteen languages, and presented to all the sovereigns of Europe, witha new code of laws annexed to it. I'll bring it in a minute, if you'llexcuse me. ' So saying, the pupil of Zeno disappeared, wrapping hisblanket round him; but other speculations of 'matters high' no doubtattracted him from the remembrance of his promise, (just as he forgot topay some score pounds he borrowed of me) for the visitor saw no more ofhim. 

"The mention of El Dorado brings to my recollection another member, Mr. Goosequill, who came to town with half-a-crown in his pocket, and histragedy called the 'Mines of Peru, ' by which he of course expected tomake his fortune. For five years he danced attendance on the manager, in order to hear tidings of its being 'cast, ' and four more in trying toget it back again. During the process he was groaned, laughed, whistled, and nearly kicked out of the secretary's room, who swore (which he wellmight do, considering the exhausted treasury of the concern) that heknew nothing about nor ever heard of the 'Mines of Peru. ' At last Mr. Goosequill, being shewn into the manager's kitchen, to wait till he wasat leisure, had the singular pleasure of seeing two acts of the 'Minesof Peru, ' daintily fastened round a savory capon on the spit, topreserve it from the scorching influence of the fire. 

"This was foul treatment, I observed, as he concluded his tale, and Iventured to ask how he had subsisted in the meanwhile? 'Why, ' said he, 'I first made an agreement with a printer of ballads, in Seven Dials, who finding my inclinations led to poetry, expressed his satisfaction, telling me that one of his poets had lost his senses, and was confinedin Bedlam; and another was become dozed with ~~413~~~ drinking drams. An agreement was made, ' continued he, 'and I think I earned five-pencehalfpenny per week as my share of this speculation with the muses. But as my profits were not always certain, I had often the pleasure ofsupping with Duke Humphrey, and for this reason I turned my thoughts toprose; and in this walk I was eminently successful, for during a week ofgloomy weather, I published an apparition, on the substance of which Isubsisted very comfortably for a month. I have often made a good mealupon a monster. A rape has frequently afforded me great satisfaction, but a murder well-timed was a never-failing resource. '

"But to return to the catastrophe of the Socratics: "By the time thatthe philosophical experiments in 'diving without hydraulics' had cleanedme entirely out, it was suggested that any thing in the shape of a loanwould be desirable; they were not nice--not they; a pair of globes; aset of catoptric instruments; an electrical apparatus; a few antiquebusts; or a collection of books for the library;--any old rum, asJack. 'said, would do; and all and every of the before-mentioned loanswould be most punctually taken care of. And truly enough they were, forthe lender was never destined to cast an eye on any portion of the loanagain. I was, indeed, so fortunate as to catch a glimpse of my globesand instruments at a pawnbroker's, and the fragments of my library atsundry book-stalls. It was now high time to cut the connection, for theSocratics were rapidly withdrawing. The association, for want of thetrue golden astringent, like a dumpling without its suet, or a cheapbaker's quartern loaf without its 'doctor, ' (i. E. Alum), was falling topieces. The worthy treasurer had retired, seizing on such articles aswere most within reach; and when I called upon him with my resignation, I had the pleasure of seeing my own busts handsomely lining the walls ofthe toothdrawer's passage. I waited on the Socratics for the Bums theyhad been so polite as to borrow. --One, to shew that he had profited bystudying Socrates, threatened to accuse me and the society of a plot tooverturn the government, if a syllable more on so low a subject as moneywas mentioned. Another told me that he was just going on a visit toAbbot's Park for three months, and should be glad to see me when he cameback. A third, an unwashed artificer, ' was so kind as to inform me that~~414~~~ he 'had just got white-washed, and he did not care one strawfor my black looks. ' And a fourth, an index-maker, when presentedwith his acceptance, kindly indicated that he had not the slightestrecollection of the thing, and that, if I persisted in compellingpayment, he would bring a philosophical gentleman from Cold BathFields, and two honest men from Newgate, to swear that it was not hishand-writing. 

"The drop-curtain being thus let down on the last act of the farce, there was no alternative between being queerly plundered, or instantlylaying a horse-whip over the hungry philosophers. To sue them remindedme of the proverb--'Sue a beggar, ' &c. To crack a _baculine_ joke overtheir sconces would involve an expense which the worthy philosopherswere not worth. I had done an imprudent thing in joining the 'march ofmind, ' and all that I could do was to brush the dust from my coat andthe mud from my shoes: 'he that touches pitch, ' says Solomon, 'shallhe not be denied thereby?' Mr. Treasurer, therefore, remained inquiet possession of the busts--the book-stall displayed the properlyappreciated volumes--and the Socratic borrowers took all the care in theworld of 'value received. '"

Thus the day, which it was intended to have been spent in amusementsout of doors, was passed in animated and amusing conversation over thehospitable and convivial board, and a fresh zest was added to wit andhumour by the exhilarating influence of the rosy god. 

CHAPTER XXXII

 In London, blest with competence. With temper, health, and common sense, None need repine or murmur--nay, All may be happy in their way. E'en the lone dwelling of the poor And suffering, are at least obscure; And in obscurity--exempt From poverty's worst scourge--contempt. Unmark'd the poor man seeks his den. Unheeded issues forth again; Wherefore appears he, none inquires, Nor why--nor whither he retires. All that his pride would fain conceal, All that shame blushes to reveal; The petty shifts, the grovelling cares, To which the sous of want are heirs; Those evils, grievous to be borne, Call forth--not sympathy, but scorn; Here hidden--elude the searching eye Of callous curiosity. 

~~415~~~The following morning was one of unusual bustle, activity, and anxiety, the originally intended movements of the party being thus unexpectedlyinterrupted. Dashall had arisen before his usual hour, and departed fromhome before the appearance of Sparkle and Bob to breakfast: it was, ofcourse, supposed that the promised duel would have decided the fate ofone of the antagonists before they should see him again. 

In this conjecture, however, they were pleasingly disappointed by hisarrival about half past eleven o'clock. 

"Well, " said Sparkle, "it is all over--who has fallen--which is theman--how many shots--what distance--who was the other second--and whereis the wounded hero?"

"Nay, " said Tom, "you are before-hand with me; I have none of theintelligence you require. --I have been in search of Lord Bluster, who left town this very morning, three hours before my arrival, forEdinburgh; and consesequently, I suppose, either has no intimation ofLaconic's intention to seek, or if he has--is determined to be out ofthe way of receiving a regular challenge; so that, in all probability, it will end, like many other duels, in smoke. "

~~416~~~ "Notwithstanding your friend's letter was so full of fire, "observed Tallyho. 

"But perhaps he became more cool over a bottle of claret--toe to toe, myboy, " continued Sparkle. 

This conversation was interrupted by a letter, which being deliveredto Tom, he read aloud, interrupted only by laughter, which he could notrestrain. 

"Dear Tom, "Don't like fighting in England--am off directly forCork. --Tell Bluster I'll wait there till he comes--but if he valueshis life, not to come at all. ---Please do the needful in despatching myservants, &c. Within two days, for I am in such a passion I can't wait amoment. --So adieu. 

"Yours, sincerely, Laconic. "

"Excellent, upon my word, " said Sparkle; "here are two men of honourdetermined upon meeting, running away from each other even before thepreliminaries are arranged. "

"There is novelty in it at least, " said Tom, "though I am by no meansastonished at the end of it; for I before observed, I do not thinkeither of them over fond of powder. Laconic pretended that nothing wouldsatisfy him but fighting immediately, provided Bluster was to be found:any person to whom bis character was not known would have expectedsome spilling of blood before this time. But it is now plain that thisblustering was the effect of the wine, and the man's cooler judgment hasextinguished the flame of his irritability. "

"I think, " said Tallyho, "it would be well to advise them to meethalf-seas over, and draw a cork together by way of settling theirdifferences. "

"Curse their differences, " replied Dashall, "I'll have nothing more todo with them: upon the whole, I am glad now that I could not meet withBluster, or I should have looked like a fool between the two; and as itis, I am not much pleased with the adventure, particularly as it mustnecessarily delay me, and I hate the idea of travelling alone. I shouldvery much have liked to start with you; but as Laconic has made me fullyacquainted with his affairs, in case he should fall in the intendedduel, I must even comply with the contents of his note; though, if hehad not actually departed, you may rest assured I would have nothing todo with him or his concerns. "

~~417~~~ "Come, come, " cried Sparkle, "grumbling is of no use now; andas the circumstances are not made public, the duellists will escapebeing laughed at. There is no harm done--we must be upon the alert--weshortly bid adieu to London, and shall not be so well pleased toleave you behind; but remember you promise to follow as quickly aspossible. --Now, how shall we dispose of the remainder of the time?"

"Zounds, " replied Tom, "all my plans are deranged by this foolish affairof Laconic's, and I can hardly tell which way to move. --However, I shallnot devote myself to his affairs to-day; therefore I am at your service;and as time is but short with us, let us make good use of it. Thetragedy of the duel having ended most comically, I am prepared for anything farcical; therefore say the word, and I am your man for a toddle, east, west, north, or south. "

Upon this intimation, our friends sallied forth upon a sort of Quixoticexcursion in search of adventures, for neither could make up his mindas to the precise place of their destination, when the first object thatattracted their particular notice was a large printed bill, announcingto the public, "That the sale at Fonthill Abbey, advertised for the 8thof October, would not take place, in consequence of the property beingdisposed of by private contract. "{1}

 1 The following appeared in the daily prints relating to this valuable property:--

 "FONTHILL ABBEY. "The sale at this splendid mansion is not to take place, the estate having been sold by private contract; the purchaser is said to be Mr. Farquhar, a rich East India merchant, who is reported to have given 330, 000L. For the property. It is stated that every article in the Abbey goes with it, with the exception of the family plate and pictures, and a very few favourite rarities. Possession is to be taken immediately. The sale of the whole estate is an event for which the people of the place seem to have been totally unprepared. They were led to believe, from the beginning, that nothing was to be sold but the mere luxuries of the place; but as to the Abbey, they universally asserted, in the strongest manner, as if they had good reason to be convinced of the thing, that Mr. Beck-ford would as soon part with his life as with a residence which he prized so dearly. Now, however, that they have heard from the steward, that the estate has been sold, and that he has received notice to quit his office in a fortnight, they begin to feel that they have lost an excellent landlord. Mr. Beckford has taken a house in town, in the New Road, where he means chiefly to reside in future. Every body is aware that the chief part of that princely income, which enabled him to raise this expensive edifice from the foundation, was derived from his paternal estates in the West Indies. Such was the wealth which those estates at one time pro-duced, that it obtained for his grandfather the distinction of being considered the richest subject in Europe. For the last ten years they have declined very materially, and several of them have been entirely lost through a defect that has been discovered in the title. The original purchaser obtained these in the way of mort-gage, and having foreclosed them in an untechnical manner, advantage has been taken of the informality by the heirs of the mortgagors, and Mr. Beckford has been dispossessed. The defence of his title, and the other consequences, involved him in losses and vast expenses; besides which, the revenue from his unquestionable estates in those islands has declined to less than one-tenth of what it formerly was. Mr. Farquhar, the gentleman who is reported to have purchased Fouthill Abbey, is the principal partner and proprietor of Whitbread's brew-house, and is likewise at the head of the first mercantile house in the City, for the management of all agency concerns, connected with India. "

~~418~~~ "Thousands of people, " says Dashall, "who had been flocking tothat neighbourhood, intending to obtain a view of the premises, will, bythis event, be disappointed. Several of my friends have paid a visit toit, and describe it as a most princely mansion. "

"And pray, " inquired Sparkle, "what is the cause of its being sold atall 1 It has always been reported that Mr. Beckford was a man of veryextensive property. "

"That appears to be a little mysterious, and report, who is always abusy fellow on extraordinary occasions, has not been idle: by some it isstated, that Mr. Beckford suffered great and irreparable losses in hisWest India property, and that there are in the Abbey at this momentexecutions to the amount of eighty thousand pounds; that the view of theeffects has taken place entirely under the control of the sheriffs: byothers it is asserted that no such embarrassment exists. However, bethat as it may, the public have been highly gratified for some time pastin being permitted to view the estate and the valuable curiosities itcontains; and the produce of the admission tickets, which has probablynetted twenty thousand pounds, goes to the liquidation of the debts. "

~~419~~~ "And an excellent plan for raising the wind too, " said Tallyho;"the example, I suppose, has been taken from Wanstead House. "

"Most likely, " was the reply; "but if it is true that the disposal ofthe property is occasioned by the embarrassment of its owner, it cannotbut excite painful and melancholy reflections on the tenure by whichmen hold the goods of this life. Those who were acquainted with Mr. Beckford's circumstances some years ago, thought him so secured in theenjoyment of a princely income, that he was absolutely out of the reachof ill fortune, being at one time in the actual receipt of one hundredthousand pounds a year. It cannot be said of him that he has wasted hisinheritance at the gaming-table. The palace which he raised on a barrenmountain, the greater part of those vast plantations which surround it, the collection of books, and of rare specimens of art, and the superbfurniture, which gives such peculiar dignity and splendour to theinterior of his residence, speak at once the immensity of his means, andattest the propriety and gracefulness of their application. "

"We ought to have taken a trip there to have seen this earthlyparadise, " rejoined Tallyho; "but now I suppose it is all over. "

"Certainly, " was the reply; "and it is a circumstance for which thepeople in the neighbourhood appear to have been totally unprepared. Theywere led to believe, from the beginning, that the mere luxuries ofthe place were to be sold, and the public announcement of this had theeffect of filling the county of Wilts with pleasure-hunters from allquarters. He was fortunate who, for some time past, could find avacant chair within twenty miles of Fonthill: the solitude of a privateapartment was a luxury which few could hope for; and an old friendof mine informs me, in one of his letters, that, coming from London, travellers first met their troubles about Salisbury, The languages ofFrance, of Holland, and of Germany, the peculiarities (in tongue) ofScotland and Ireland, the broad dialect of Somersetshire, the tincklingaccent of Wales, and the more polished tones of metropolitan residents, were all, at the same moment, to be heard clashing and contending. Therewere bells ringing, and chamber-maids screaming--horses prancing, andpost-boys swearing--wheels clattering, and waiters jostling--gueststhreatening, and hubbub and confusion the orders of the day:--and allthis to see something which half of them, when they got there, if theywere so fortunate, could not obtain a sight of. So that, perhaps, wehave been quite as well off in remaining at home. "

~~420~~~ "That was spoken like a philosopher, " said Sparkle, dryly. --"But pray, who is to be the future possessor of this fineestate?"

"A Mr. Farquhar, who, according to the best information I have obtained, is a man of an extraordinary character, and has given 330, 000L. For itas it stands, with every article in the Abbey except the family plateand pictures, and a few very favourite rarities. Some interestingparticulars of the purchaser have recently been made known; from whichit appears, that he is a native of Aberdeen, and went out early in lifeto India, where he was employed in the medical department. Chemicalresearch was his favourite pursuit: there was some defect in the mannerof manufacturing gunpowder, and Mr. Farquhar was selected to give hisassistance. By degrees, he obtained the management of the concern, andfinally he became the sole contractor to the government. In this waywealth and distinction rapidly poured in upon him. After some years oflabour, he returned to England with half a million of money; and it issomewhat curious that a man possessed of so much money upon his arrivalat Gravesend, should, merely to save the expense of coach-hire, walk upto London; which, however, it appears he did, when his first visit, very naturally, was to his banker. Without waiting for refreshment oralteration of attire, full of dust and dirt, with clothes not worth aguinea, he presented himself at the counter, and asked for Mr. Coutts. The clerks, not much prepossessed in his favour by his appearance, disregarded his application; and he was suffered to remain in thecash-office under the idea of his being some poor petitioner, until Mr. Coutts, passing through it, recognized his Indian customer, the man whomhe expected to see with all the pomp of a nabob. Mr. Farquhar requestedto have five pounds; which having received, he took his departure. Thisanecdote strongly marks the character and habits of the man. He soonafterwards settled in Upper Baker-street, where his house was to bedistinguished by its dingy appearance, uncleaned windows, and generalneglect. An old woman was his sole attendant; and his apartment, towhich a brush or broom was never applied, was kept sacred from her care. His neighbours were not acquainted with his character; and there havebeen instances of some of them offering him money as an object ofcharity. "

~~421~~~ "An admirable tenant for such a place as Fonthill, truly, "observed Sparkle. --"Why, what the devil will he do with it now he hasgot it?"

"Perhaps, " said Dashall, "I ought to refer you to the man himself foran answer to such a question, for I am at a loss to guess; he is nowsixty-five years of age, and still in single blessedness. "

"A very enviable situation, " remarked Sparkle, "However, " continued Tom, "he has done some good in the world, and may live to do more. He becamea partner in the great agency house in the City, of Basset, Farquhar, and Co. ; besides which, he purchased the late Mr. Whitbread's share inthe brewery. Part of his great wealth was devoted to the purchase ofestates; but the great bulk was invested in stock, and suffered toincrease on compound interest. He is deeply read in ancient and modernliterature, and has a mind of extraordinary vigour and originality;his conversation of a superior order, impressive and animated on everysubject. His sentiments are liberal, and strangely contrasted with hishabits. His religious opinions are peculiar, and seem to be influencedby an admiration of the purity of the lives and moral principles of theBrahmins. It is said that he offered 100, 000L. To found a college inAberdeen, with a reservation on points of religion; to which, however, the sanction of the legislature could not be procured, and the planwas dropped. He has been residing in Gloucester-place, where hehas furnished a house in a style of modern elegance, and, so faras appearances are concerned, indulges in several luxuries; but hisdomestic habits are still the same, and his table seldom labours withthe pressure of heavy dishes. He has one nephew, to whom he allows, ordid allow, 300L. Per year; has but few other claims of family; and itis probable that his immense wealth will be bequeathed to charitablepurposes, as the great object of his ambition is to leave his name toposterity as the founder of some public institution. To that passionmay, perhaps, be attributed the purchase of Fonthill Abbey; for his ageand infirmities totally unfit him for the enjoyment of such ~~422~~~a place. He is diminutive in person, and by no means prepossessing inappearance; his dress has all the qualities of the antique to recommendit; and his domestic expenditure, until the last year, has not exceeded200L. Per annum, although his possessions, money in the funds, andcapital in trade, are said to amount to a million and a half!"

"Why, he is an oddity indeed, " exclaimed Tallyho, "and I think he oughtto be exhibited as the eighth wonder of the world. "

"Certainly we cannot look upon the like every day: there are instances, it is said, of his having returned letters merely because the postagewas not paid, although he has, on more than one or two occasions, givenaway, at once, for praise-worthy purposes, ten and twenty thousandpounds. "

"Then, " rejoined Sparkle, "he is a trump, and deserves to berespected:--but where are we bound to?"

"Nay, " replied Tom, "I have no choice upon the subject. "

"Nor I neither, " said Gayfield, stepping smartly up to him, and catchinghim by the hand--"so come along--I'll guide you to good quarters andcomfortable accommodation. --Dine with me, and we will have a cut in atwhist. --What say you?"

This proposition was acceded to, and away they went to Gayfield'sapartments, where a very hospitable and friendly entertainment waspresented to them with every mark of a hearty welcome. In the evening, the glass circulated freely, and cards being introduced, they enjoyed anagreeable and pleasant game, at which nothing particular occurred; afterwhich they jumped into a rattler, and were conveyed home, very wellsatisfied with every attention they had received from Gayfield, exceptthe eternal rattle of his tongue. 

CHAPTER XXXIII

 "The proper study of mankind in food. "

~~423~~~Next morning, while our party were at breakfast, who should make hisappearance but Gayfield, whose elasticity of spirits, and volubility oftongue, appeared, if possible, to have acquired an additional impulse ofaction. 

"My dear fellow, " he commenced, addressing Bob, "as you are so soonabout to leave us, I feel anxious you should carry with you all theinformation possible on that interesting subject, Life in London. Longas your stay in the Metropolis has been, still, where the subjectsare so varying--so ever varying--so multifarious--and the field forobservation so unlimited, it is impossible but that something must haveescaped your notice. 

"I have been scribbling to a friend in the country, whom I occasionallyendeavour to amuse with "Sketches of Scenes in London;" and, as Iflatter myself, it exhibits something of novelty both in character, situation, and incident, you shall hear it. "

"Dear Dick--I told you that I was about to have the honour of beingintroduced to tin; celebrated Dr. Kitchen. 'He was a man, take him forall in all, I ne'er shall look upon his like again. ' It was evidentlyone of 'Nature's worst journeymen' that made him; for he has not a limbwhich appears to appertain to his body; they look precisely as if theywere purchased at an auction. This little man, who seems born to be'girded at' by jokers of all classes, sharing the prevalent rage fornotoriety, has written two works, one in the character of a _gourmand_, and the other of a musician. But not content with the fame he has thusacquired, he has persuaded himself that he is an excellent singer. Nay, it was given out lately, by his own concurrence, that he intended tosing at a concert at the Argyle Rooms; and although he has no more voicethan a ~~424~~~ cat, he was under the full impression that his Majesty, at the conclusion of the last court-day, intended to call upon him fora song. The Doctor asked me and Caustic to one of his literary dinners;and as T have supplied you with a sketch of a cook-shop _gourmand_, Imake no apology for shewing up a more elevated class of _gastronomes_, by reporting the Doctor's speech on this occasion. --

"'On entering the world, the acuteness of my palate and vigour ofdigestion disposed me to conceive that I should excel in the fraternalsciences of eating and drinking; and I entertained no doubt but my vapidorgans would be considerably improved by frequent exercise. Tastehas various departments--painting, architecture, sculpture, &c. ; butimpressed with the conviction that my only office in this world was toinvent new dishes and devour them, I collected all the culinary writersfrom Caxton to Mons. Ude, of modern celebrity. As science proceeds bygradual advances, I frequented the better sort of coffee-houses, toinitiate myself in the correct nomenclature of different dishes, andto judge of their skilful preparation. These, to be sure, are properschools for a beginner; but I soon discovered that these victuallers, on account of their numerous visitants, who are disposed to eat much andpay little, could not afford to furnish the most costly and exquisite_entrees_. Sometimes I found that the same turkey had been twicesubjected to the spit; a sole that had been broiled the day before, underwent the operation of frying on the following. Cold meat appearedas hot pie, with many other curious and ingenious devices. Then the winewas so adulterated, compelled, like a melancholic patient, to lookold before its time, and fitted, like a pauper, with a ready-made coatperceptibly impregnated with bad brandy, and tasted of every thingbut the grape, that, in about six months, I sickened, and no longerfrequented these tasteless and inhospitable retreats for the hungry. 

"'To view the ordinary arrangements of a modern dinner is a "sorrysight:"--a dozen articles placed at once upon the table--then, onthe removal of the covers, comes the ferocious onset; some tremulousparalytic serving the soup, and scattering it in all directions, excepting into the plate where it ought to be delivered; ~~425~~~ thenan unhandy dandy mutilates the fish by cutting it in a wrong direction;here, an officious ignoramus tears asunder the members of a fowl ascoarsely as the four horses dragged Ravillac, limb from limb; there, another simpleton notching a tongue into dissimilar slices, while apurblind coxcomb confounds the different sauces, pouring anchovy onpigeon-pie, and parsley and butter on roast-beef. All these barbarismsare unknown at my table. 

"'Perhaps one of the most gratifying things in nature, far beyond anything hitherto conveyed by landscape or historical painting, is tobehold my guests in silence sip their wine. As the glass is held up, theeye and the orient liquor reciprocally sparkle; its bouquet expands thenostrils, elevates the eyebrow to admiration, and composes the lips toa smile. When its crystal receptacle, which is as thin as Indian paper, (for observe, to use a thick wine-glass is to drink with a gag in yourmouth) touches the lips, they become comprest, to allow the thinnestpossible stream to enter, that its flavour be thoroughly ascertained, and that successive perceptions of palateable flavour may terminate inthe gulph of ecstacy. 

"'I am fully aware that the pleasures of the table cannot be indulgedwithout some hazard to the constitution; it is therefore the businessof my serious reflections to counteract the invasions of disease, andprovide timely remedies for its attack. A gold box is always placed onthe table with the desert, containing a store of pills, which are ofa very moving quality and speedy operation, called "Peristalticpersuaders. " In an adjoining room, there is a basin, as large as anordinary washing-tub, with a copper of chamomile-tea; and a cupper isengaged to be in constant attendance till the guests depart. 

"'Gentlemen, I once became a member of a fashionable dinner-club, managed by a superintending committee, who purchased their own wine, and engaged a culinary artist of established reputation. This club was adiversified assemblage, consisting of some sprigs of the nobility anda few old standards; several members of Parliament, who became verytroublesome by repeating the speeches that had been uttered in thehouse, and were, besides, always attempting to reform the club. But thiswas less offensive to me than others, as I make it a ~~426~~~ rule neverto attend to conversation unless it relates to improvements in cookery. The remainder of our club was composed of a few hungry querulouslawyers, two or three doctors, who had increased the means of gratifyingtheir appetites by destroying the digestive faculties of their patients. There is nothing permanent in the world; therefore, in about two years, the club dwindled away; a set of rascally economists complained ofexpense; the cook, a very honest man and skilful professor, wasaccused of peculation by the reformers, and turned adrift for modestlydemonstrating that he could not make turtle out of tripe, nor convertsprats into red mullet. Several members moved off without payingtheir arrears. The managing committee disposed of the premises, plate, furniture, and wines, and pocketed the money; and thus the club wasdissolved. '

"It was on this occasion that the Doctor proposed his celebrated'committee of taste, ' with the proceedings of which I shall, perhaps, have occasion, at some future time, to make you acquainted. "

Gayfield's humorous epistle amused the party much, and Bob feltcomplimented by the attention paid to the finish of his studies ofMetropolitan Life and Manners. The fine appearance of the morningdetermined them on a stroll through the leading thoroughfares, as itwould afford Tallyho the opportunity of completing such purchases aswere necessary prior to his departure for the country. In passingCovent Garden, their attention was attracted by a numerous and grotesqueassemblage, in which they soon mixed, and were highly diverted by thefollowing whimsical exhibition, displaying the astonishing sagacity andfeelings of the monkey species. An itinerant showman, who for some timepast exhibited two dancing monkeys about the town, had pitched his stagein a part of the Market. When his poles and cords were fixed, and themonkeys in their full dress were about to commence, the celebratedflying pieman came by with his basket, and, having furnished himselfwith a bottle of gin, he leaped upon the stage, and treated the showmanand one of the monkeys with a glass each; the other monkey howeverdeclined taking any, and was leaping about to avoid it; but the piemanserved out the second glass, and the former monkey took his withapparent gladness. The pieman again seized the monkey ~~427~~~ whodeclined it before, but he still scorned to take any. The by-standerscalled out to the pieman to throw it at him, and the pieman flung itin his face. Instantly, the monkey who drank the gin, and who was halfdrunk by this time, to resent the injury, sprang upon the pieman, seizedhim by the arm, and would have torn that piece of the flesh entirelyout, only for its master, who with much difficulty made him relinquishhis hold. The pieman was dangerously wounded, and was carried to adoctor's shop to get his arm dressed. 

Passing on, the next object of attention was the Police office, BowStreet. Here the party determined to rest for a short time, and afterlistening to several uninteresting cases relating to hackney coachfares, they were at length rewarded for their lost time and patience, by a case, in which the tables were completely turned upon Mr. Jehu, andwhich we hope will act as a caution to others of the profession who havea taste for swearing and abuse. 

CHAPTER XXXIV

 In cities, foul example on most minds Begets its likeness. Rank abundance breeds In gross and pamper'd cities sloth and lust, And wantonness and gluttonous excess. In cities, vice is hidden with more ease, Or seen with least reproach; and virtue, taught By frequent lapse, can hope no triumph there Beyond th' achievement of successful flight. I do confess them nurs'ries of the arts, In which they flourish most; where, in the beams Of warm encouragement, and in the eye Of public note, they reach their perfect size. Such London is, by taste and wealth proclaim'd The fairest capital of all the world; By riot and incontinence the worst. 

~~428~~~The arrival of the day for separation was anticipated, and the morningarose upon Dashall with a gloomy aspect, originating in the temper ofhis mind; for he was by no means pleased with the adventure of Laconic, which operated to prevent his departure with his friends. Sparkle andTallyho were, however, upon the alert, and determined on pursuing theiroriginal intentions. Tom had none of his usual vivacity about him. In vain he tried to muster up his spirits, his attempts at wit werepointless and did not escape the notice of Sparkle, who secretly enjoyedhis chagrin, feeling assured that as it was created by their departure, he would not delay joining them longer than necessity absolutelyrequired. "Why how now, Tom, " said Sparkle, "you are out, and seem to bein queer stirrups, as if you had an uneasy saddle. You seem to partwith your cousin as a young man would with the beloved of his heart. " "Iconfess I am disappointed, " replied Tom. 

 "But since grieving's a folly, Why let us be jolly. "

~~429~~~ "I am determined to spend the last moments with you--so startoff the rattle traps, the upper toggery's and travelling caps, we willtake a last turn together, and a parting dinner and glass of wine atthe Bull and Mouth, and I'll warrant you I won't be long behind. All Iregret is, I can't accompany you at present. " Upon this intimation, theremainder of their luggage and clothing were despatched by a servant, with an order to provide a good dinner for them at half past five. 

Things were now all m a fair train, and this business being despatched, all was anxiety for the arrival of the moment, though with differentsensations; Sparkle to meet his wife, Bob to return to his native home, and Tom displeased and disappointed in every way, although he determinedto be as agreeable as he could under existing circumstances. Timehowever being heavy on their hands, but as Bob was anxious to make a fewmore purchases for presents on his return home, they started early forthe Bull and Mouth. 

"You have now, " said Dashall to his cousin, "had some experience in REALLIFE IN LONDON, and I have reason to think you will not return to thecountry a worse man than you left it. Variety is charming, and thechange from one to the other will give additional zest and pleasure. "

"I have reason, " replied Bob, "to feel myself under a very particularobligation to you for the excellent care, kindness and attention, aswell as information I have derived, and it cannot easily be obliteratedfrom my recollection; but I at the same time must observe, that I haveno very great relish for London as a continual residence. When youarrive in the country I will try if I cannot be as explanatory andamusing. At all events I expect you will give me the trial. 

"I'll give you a chevy over the hills, a pop at the pheasants, and apick at them afterwards; besides which, you know, we have some verypretty lasses in our neighbourhood, to whom you have already beenintroduced, and to whom you shall be better known. "

"I know, I know, " said Tom, in a hurried manner, which stronglyindicated some other motive for regret than that which arose from meredisappointment at not being a partner in their journey, and from whichSparkle did not fail to draw an inference, that some roguish eyes hadbeen darting their beams into the bosom of his friend. 

~~430~~~ "I see how it is now, " cried Sparkle, "Tom is not cut butcaught, and I'll sport a fifty, that the Evergreen Tom Dashall, ofLondon, will be transplanted to entwine with some virgin blossom of thecountry, before another twelve months. "

Tom was silent. 

Tallyho smiled in accordance with the sentiment of Sparkle, and declaredhe would not take the bet. 

"It's of very little use, " cried Dashall, recovering himself after ashort pause, "I may as well make a merit of necessity. I confess Ihave a sort of a liking for the gay and sprightly Lydia Forcetext, theparson's daughter; and if--but curse if's--I hate if, I wish there wasno such word in the English language. "

"Ha, ha, ha!" exclaimed Sparkle, "I thought we should find you out--butcome, I think I may say there is not much for you to fear--if you arebut serious. "

"It is a serious subject, and if we continue, this conversation I shallgrow downright sentimental--so no more at present--we have not much timeto spare--and as I mean to make use of every minute, let us look aroundfor any novelty that may occur before your departure. "

"Well, " said Sparkle, "I must say I do not know of any thing so new tome as the very subject we were upon--but as you wish it dropped--whye'en let it be so--I have no desire to be either particular orpersonal. "

 And as London's the object we've long had in view, As long as we can, we'll that object pursue. And as visions we know have been for an old grudge meant, We'll make ours a view--not a vision of--judgment. 

"Good, " said Tom, "and as the lines are extemporaneous we will not beover-nice in the criticism. "

"At least, " continued Sparkle, "you will admit it is better to be a badpoet--than a bad man. "

"Agreed--agreed, " replied Tom. --"But who in the name of wonder havewe here--the emperor of hair-dressers and head-cutters turnedprint-seller--Why, this was Money's, where I have, before now, had aclip. "

~~431~~~ "Nay, nay, " said Sparkle, "don't be in a hurry to form yourjudgment--his ingenuity is at work, and really it will be worth whileto have a cut all round; for I find he gives a portrait, displayingthe most fashionable Parisian dresses to every customer. Some youknow present bank, or, more properly speaking, flush notes upon theseoccasions; but certainly this is a less exceptionable plan. --What sayyou?"

"With all my heart:" and into the _Magazin de Mode_ they marched; towhich they were welcomed by the artist himself--ushered up stairswith all due politeness, and in two minutes Sparkle was under hisincomparable hands, while Tom and Bob amused themselves with a peep atthe newspapers and the Gazette of Fashion. 

"Fine morning, gentlemen, " said the friseur. 

"Is there any news?" asked Sparkle. 

"We have the Paris papers, Sir, regularly, and a constant supply ofdrawings of the newest fashion. "

"I am more for domestic or home news, " continued Sparkle. 

"Not aware, Sir, of any thing particular--oh, yes; I recollect I wastold last night, over at the Haunch, that the mermaid is discovered. "

"What, " said Tom, "discover a mermaid over a haunch!" laying down thepaper. 

"Beg pardon, Sir, beg pardon, a trifling mistake, Sir--nothing more--Iusually pass a recreative hour, after my daily studies, at the Haunchof Venison, over the way: the landlord is an intelligent, accommodating, and agreeable sort of man, and we have many gentlemen of considerableconsequence, both literary and scientific, who meet there of an eveningto pass a convivial hour--to hear and impart the news; and, Sir, as Iwas saying, the mermaid is stated to be a fine hoax upon the credulityof John Bull, being nothing more than the body or skin of a smoke-driedold woman, ingeniously connected with the tail of a fish. I don't vouchfor the truth of the report, I only state what I hear, and can onlyassert with confidence what I am acquainted with in my own business. "

"I suspected the mermaid from the first, " answered Tom, "I thought therewas some deceit in it. "

"There is a great deal of deceit in the world, Sir, " replied the activeclipper. --"A little Circassian cream, Sir--acknowledged to be the bestarticle ever produced for the preservation and restoration of hair. "

"Certainly, " said Sparkle. 

~~432~~~ In this way our friends obtained a portion of amusement, anda Corinthian clip from the intelligent and communicative Mr. Money, ofFleet Street notoriety, in return for which he touched their coin. 

"Now, " said Dashall, "we will make the best of our way and just call, by way of taking a lunch, among the lads of Newgate Market. There isa house where I have been before, in which we can have some veryfine home-brewed ale, &c; and besides, according to the landlord'sadvertisements, he has opened an academy, and gives instruction inthe art of brewing. The College of Physicians is just opposite, and Isuppose this wag of a landlord has taken the hint, and opposed his beerto their physic--perhaps you may wish to carry his valuable receipt intothe country with you?"

"I have no inclination to turn brewer, " replied Sparkle, "but Imust confess I like the idea of a little genuine beer--free from thepoisonous ingredients of the public brewer. "

"And so do I, " continued Tallyho. "Come along, then, " said Tom, "theBell in Warwick Lane is the shop, where you may be served to a shaving. "In passing along Warwick Lane, Bob observed he thought his friend wasleading him through a not very agreeable neighbourhood. 

"This place is filled with slaughter-houses, and is to be sure a greatnuisance to the City; yet such places are necessary, therefore bear upa few minutes, and you will have comfortable house-room and agreeablerefreshment. " Entering the Bell, they were met by the landlord of thehouse, a round-faced, good-natured, real John-Bull-looking man, who knowing his customer Dashall, immediately ushered them into thecoffee-room, where being supplied with stout and mutton-chops in highperfection, they enjoyed themselves with their regale. This done, theyhad an opportunity of looking about them. 

In one corner sat two or three tip-top salesmen of the market, conversing on the price of meat, while they were devouring a successionof rump-steaks with most voracious and insatiable appetites. In anotherwas a hungry author, bargaining with a bookseller of Paternoster Row, for the sale of a manuscript, by which he expected to realise a dinner. While near them was an undertaker and a master-builder, vociferating ateach other for interference ~~433~~~ with their respective trades, andso far attracting the attention of the bookseller from the work of theauthor, that he wished, from the bottom of his heart, "that one wouldbuild a coffin to bury the other:" while the salesmen laughed so loud atthe observations of the controversialists, as almost to make them wishthe subject dead without the hope of resurrection. 

Bob liked the stout--ordered a replenish, and asked the landlord topartake. 

"With all my heart--gentlemen--good health--real malt and hops, gentlemen--nothing else--all brewed under my own eye--good ordinary attwo--excellent fare--good treatment--comfortable beds--happy to see youat all times at the Bell brewery. "

Having proceeded on their journey they shortly found themselves nearBull and Mouth Street. 

On their way to the Bull and Mouth, Sparkle made a proposal, which wascordially acquiesced in by Dashall and his cousin, and a mutual pledgewas given to carry it into effect: this was no other than an agreementto take a trip over to Dublin in the course of the ensuing winter, inorder to acquire some knowledge of LIFE IN IRELAND. 

"I have lately, " said Sparkle, "been almost convulsed with laughter, even to the danger of a locked-jaw, by the perusal of a work underthis title. The author, nephew to a late Irish chancellor, is an oldacquaintance; added to which, and the genuine irresistible humour thatruns throughout the work, I feel determined to visit, and have oculardemonstration of some of the places where these scenes of humour are soadmirably described. "

On entering Bull and Mouth Street--"Bless me, " cried Bob, "this is avery confined street for such an inn. "

"Hoy, " cried a coachman, rattling along the street in double quick time. 

"By your leave, " bawled a porter with a heavy chest on his back. 

"We shall certainly either be knocked down, or run over, " exclaimedTallyho. 

"Never fear, " said Tom, "do but keep your ogles in action, all's rightenough, and we shall soon be safely housed out of the bustle; but beforewe enter the house we will just cast our eyes about us. On the right, after passing the gate, is the coach-offices for receiving, booking, ~~434~~~ and delivering parcels, and taking places for passengers by thevarious vehicles which start from this place. On the left is the hoteland coffee-house, where every refreshment and accommodation may beobtained. The remaining part of the building, together with severalothers adjoining, which almost occupy the whole of this side ofthe street, are devoted to stables, waggon and coach-houses, andout-offices. "

[Illustration: page434. Jpg Bull and Mouth Inn]

"It is an extensive concern then, " said Tallyho, "though it stands insuch an out of the way obscure situation. "

"Why you are already aware that situation is not absolutely necessaryto success in all cases in London, " was the reply. "The extensivecirculation of a name or a sign are sometimes sufficient to obtainbusiness;--and who has not heard of the Bull and Mouth, or the name ofWillan--from the former runs a considerable number of long stages andmail coaches, daily and nightly, the proprietor being a contractor withGovernment; and upon one occasion it is said, he was in treaty to supplyan immense quantity of horses to convey troops to the coast, on thethreatened invasion by Buonaparte, so that the epithet patriotic mightproperly be applied to him. He however is lately deceased, and supposedto have left a considerable fortune. --But come, dinner is ready--now forthe parting meal, and then heaven speed ye to your destined homes. "

After partaking of a hearty dinner, and a bottle or two of generouswine--"Come, " said Dashall, "it is time we are alive and look out, forthe yard is all in a bustle; here are lots of coaches preparing for astart, so let us get out, look around, and see what is going forward. "

Upon this intimation, they sallied forth to the yard, where theconfusion created by the arrival of one coach heavily laden, andthe preparation of two for departure, afforded a scene for a quietcontemplatist, which however it is not easy to describe. 

"Coachman, " said an antiquated lady, just alighting, "I paid my fare. "

"Yes Ma'am, that's all fair, " said coachy. 

"Mind how you hand my dear little boy out of the coach, poor littlefellow he is quite dizzy with riding. "

~~435~~~ "I thinks as how you had better have brought a man with you, for you want taking care of yourself, " grumbled coachy, as he handed theyoung one out. --"There he is Ma'am--stand upon your pins, my man. "

"Come Charley--Oh coachy you have got my box in your boot. "

"Aye, aye, Ma'am, I know it, I wish my boot was in your box--here it isMa'am. "

"Stand bye, " said a Jack Tar, "let's have a little sea room, and nosqualls. "

"Coachy, what a rude fellow that is, he says I squalls. "

"Never mind him, Ma'am, he is as rough as the element he belongsto--thank ye Ma'am--that's the time o' day, " pocketing a half-crownwhich she had just given him. 

"Here Bill, take this lady's luggage out of the way. "

"Just going off, Sir--do you go by me?"

"Yes, " replied Sparkle, "how many have you inside?"

"Only four, Sir, and you two make up the number--all ready--Jem, bear upthe leaders. "

At this moment a hackney coach stopped at the gate, and out jumps agentleman who immediately entered into conversation with the coachman. 

"Can't do it, Sir, " said coachy, --"all full--I might manage to give youan outside passage to be sure. "

"Well, well, I will make that do, perhaps you can afford an inside birthpart of the journey. "

"I'll see what I can do, but can't promise--now gentlemen. "

"Here coachman, " said the person desirous of obtaining a passage, tipping coachy some money. 

"Aye, aye, that's the way to look at the matter. "

By this time Tom discovered it was no other than Van Butchell, {1} whomhe observed to Bob, there was little doubt had been summoned on somedesperate case, and must go at all events. 

 1 It is fortunate for the rising generation, that the late Martin Van Butchell, not more celebrated for his eccentricities than bis utility, has not departed from the world without leaving an able successor to his practice. Edwin Martin Van Butchell is now almost as well known as his late father. Such indeed is the estimation of his abilities, that a large society of journeymen tailors have entered into a weekly subscription among themselves, in order that their afflicted brethren may have the benefit of his practical knowledge and abilities. 

"Now, gentlemen, you brush in and I will brush on. Shut the door Dick, all right--ya--hip. "

"Adieu, dear Tom, " exclaimed Bob. 

~~436~~~ "Zounds, " exclaimed Tom, "the coachman will hardly allow him tosay good bye--well, the dearest friends must part, so good bye, heavenprotect you both. "

By this time the vehicle was out of the yard. 

"I don't like it, " continued Tom, soliloquizing with himself; "but, however, as I have bid them adieu for the present, the best thing Ican do is to arrange Laconic's affairs, and then bid adieu to _Life inLondon_. "

The End