[Illustration: "I TAKE IT YOU FAILED TO WIN THE HUNDRED POUNDS, SIR?"]

RUGGLES of RED GAP

By

Harry Leon Wilson

1915

[Dedication]TO HELEN COOKE WILSON

CHAPTER ONE

At 6:30 in our Paris apartment I had finished the Honourable George, performing those final touches that make the difference between a manwell turned out and a man merely dressed. In the main I was notdissatisfied. His dress waistcoats, it is true, no longer permit theinhalation of anything like a full breath, and his collars clasp tooclosely. (I have always held that a collar may provide quite ampleroom for the throat without sacrifice of smartness if the depth be atleast two and one quarter inches. ) And it is no secret to either theHonourable George or our intimates that I have never approved hisfashion of beard, a reddish, enveloping, brushlike affair never nicelyenough trimmed. I prefer, indeed, no beard at all, but he stubbornlyrefuses to shave, possessing a difficult chin. Still, I repeat, he wasnot nearly impossible as he now left my hands. 

"Dining with the Americans, " he remarked, as I conveyed the hat, gloves, and stick to him in their proper order. 

"Yes, sir, " I replied. "And might I suggest, sir, that your choice bea grilled undercut or something simple, bearing in mind the undoubtedeffects of shell-fish upon one's complexion?" The hard truth is thatafter even a very little lobster the Honourable George has a way ofcoming out in spots. A single oyster patty, too, will often spot himquite all over. 

"What cheek! Decide that for myself, " he retorted with a lame effortat dignity which he was unable to sustain. His eyes fell from mine. "Besides, I'm almost quite certain that the last time it was themelon. Wretched things, melons!"

Then, as if to divert me, he rather fussily refused the correctevening stick I had chosen for him and seized a knobby bit ofthornwood suitable only for moor and upland work, and brazenly quitediscarded the gloves. 

"Feel a silly fool wearing gloves when there's no reason!" heexclaimed pettishly. 

"Quite so, sir, " I replied, freezing instantly. 

"Now, don't play the juggins, " he retorted. "Let me be comfortable. And I don't mind telling you I stand to win a hundred quid this veryevening. "

"I dare say, " I replied. The sum was more than needed, but I had causeto be thus cynical. 

"From the American Johnny with the eyebrows, " he went on with a quitepathetic enthusiasm. "We're to play their American game ofpoker--drawing poker as they call it. I've watched them play for neara fortnight. It's beastly simple. One has only to know when to bluff. "

"A hundred pounds, yes, sir. And if one loses----"

He flashed me a look so deucedly queer that it fair chilled me. 

"I fancy you'll be even more interested than I if I lose, " he remarkedin tones of a curious evenness that were somehow rather deadly. Thewords seemed pregnant with meaning, but before I could weigh them Iheard him noisily descending the stairs. It was only then I recalledhaving noticed that he had not changed to his varnished boots, havingstill on his feet the doggish and battered pair he most favoured. Itwas a trick of his to evade me with them. I did for them each day allthat human boot-cream could do, but they were things no sensitivegentleman would endure with evening dress. I was glad to reflect thatdoubtless only Americans would observe them. 

So began the final hours of a 14th of July in Paris that must ever bememorable. My own birthday, it is also chosen by the French as one onwhich to celebrate with carnival some one of those regrettable eventsin their own distressing past. 

To begin with, the day was marked first of all by the breezing in ofhis lordship the Earl of Brinstead, brother of the Honourable George, on his way to England from the Engadine. More peppery than usual hadhis lordship been, his grayish side-whiskers in angry upheaval and hisinflamed words exploding quite all over the place, so that theHonourable George and I had both perceived it to be no time foradmitting our recent financial reverse at the gaming tables of Ostend. On the contrary, we had gamely affirmed the last quarter's allowanceto be practically untouched--a desperate stand, indeed! But there wasthat in his lordship's manner to urge us to it, though even so heappeared to be not more than half deceived. 

"No good greening me!" he exploded to both of us. "Tell in aflash--gambling, or a woman--typing-girl, milliner, dancing person, what, what! Guilty faces, both of you. Know you too well. My word, what, what!"

Again we stoutly protested while his lordship on the hearthrug rockedin his boots and glared. The Honourable George gamely rattled someloose coin of the baser sort in his pockets and tried in return for aglare of innocence foully aspersed. I dare say he fell short of it. His histrionic gifts are but meagre. 

"Fools, quite fools, both of you!" exploded his lordship anew. "And, make it worse, no longer young fools. Young and a fool, people makeexcuses. Say, 'Fool? Yes, but so young!' But old and a fool--not aword to say, what, what! Silly rot at forty. " He clutched hisside-whiskers with frenzied hands. He seemed to comb them to a morebristling rage. 

"Dare say you'll both come croppers. Not surprise me. Silly oldGeorge, course, course! Hoped better of Ruggles, though. Rugglesdifferent from old George. Got a brain. But can't use it. Have oldGeorge wed to a charwoman presently. Hope she'll be a worker. Need tobe--support you both, what, what!"

I mean to say, he was coming it pretty thick, since he could not haveforgotten that each time I had warned him so he could hasten to savehis brother from distressing mésalliances. I refer to the affair withthe typing-girl and to the later entanglement with a Brixton millinerencountered informally under the portico of a theatre in Charing CrossRoad. But he was in no mood to concede that I had thus far shown ascrupulous care in these emergencies. Peppery he was, indeed. Hegathered hat and stick, glaring indignantly at each of them and thenat us. 

"Greened me fair, haven't you, about money? Quite so, quite so! Nothear from you then till next quarter. No telegraphing--no beggingletters. Shouldn't a bit know what to make of them. Plenty you got tolast. Say so yourselves. " He laughed villainously here. "Morning, "said he, and was out. 

"Old Nevil been annoyed by something, " said the Honourable Georgeafter a long silence. "Know the old boy too well. Always tell whenhe's been annoyed. Rather wish he hadn't been. "

So we had come to the night of this memorable day, and to theHonourable George's departure on his mysterious words about thehundred pounds. 

Left alone, I began to meditate profoundly. It was the closing of aday I had seen dawn with the keenest misgiving, having had reason tobelieve it might be fraught with significance if not disaster tomyself. The year before a gypsy at Epsom had solemnly warned me that agreat change would come into my life on or before my fortiethbirthday. To this I might have paid less heed but for its disquietingconfirmation on a later day at a psychic parlour in Edgware Road. Proceeding there in company with my eldest brother-in-law, aplate-layer and surfaceman on the Northern (he being uncertain aboutthe Derby winner for that year), I was told by the person for a trifleof two shillings that I was soon to cross water and to meet manystrange adventures. True, later events proved her to have beenpsychically unsound as to the Derby winner (so that my brother-in-law, who was out two pounds ten, thereby threatened to have an actionagainst her); yet her reference to myself had confirmed the words ofthe gypsy; so it will be plain why I had been anxious the whole ofthis birthday. 

For one thing, I had gone on the streets as little as possible, thoughI should naturally have done that, for the behaviour of the French onthis bank holiday of theirs is repugnant in the extreme to the saneEnglish point of view--I mean their frivolous public dancing andmarked conversational levity. Indeed, in their soberest moments, theyhave too little of British weight. Their best-dressed men areapparently turned out not by menservants but by modistes. I will notsay their women are without a gift for wearing gowns, and their chefshave unquestionably got at the inner meaning of food, but as a peopleat large they would never do with us. Even their language is not basedon reason. I have had occasion, for example, to acquire their word forbread, which is "pain. " As if that were not wild enough, theymispronounce it atrociously. Yet for years these people have beenseparated from us only by a narrow strip of water!

By keeping close to our rooms, then, I had thought to evade what ofevil might have been in store for me on this day. Another evening Imight have ventured abroad to a cinema palace, but this was no timefor daring, and I took a further precaution of locking our doors. Then, indeed, I had no misgiving save that inspired by the last wordsof the Honourable George. In the event of his losing the game of pokerI was to be even more concerned than he. Yet how could evil come tome, even should the American do him in the eye rather frightfully? Intruth, I had not the faintest belief that the Honourable George wouldwin the game. He fancies himself a card-player, though why he should, God knows. At bridge with him every hand is a no-trumper. I need notsay more. Also it occurred to me that the American would be a personnot accustomed to losing. There was that about him. 

More than once I had deplored this rather Bohemian taste of theHonourable George which led him to associate with Americans as readilyas with persons of his own class; and especially had I regretted hisintimacy with the family in question. Several times I had observedthem, on the occasion of bearing messages from the HonourableGeorge--usually his acceptance of an invitation to dine. Too obviouslythey were rather a handful. I mean to say, they were people who couldperhaps matter in their own wilds, but they would never do with us. 

Their leader, with whom the Honourable George had consented to gamethis evening, was a tall, careless-spoken person, with a narrow, darkface marked with heavy black brows that were rather tremendous intheir effect when he did not smile. Almost at my first meeting him Idivined something of the public man in his bearing, a suggestion, perhaps, of the confirmed orator, a notion in which I was somehowfurther set by the gesture with which he swept back his carelesslyfalling forelock. I was not surprised, then, to hear him referred toas the "Senator. " In some unexplained manner, the Honourable George, who is never as reserved in public as I could wish him to be, hadchummed up with this person at one of the race-tracks, and hadthereafter been almost quite too pally with him and with the verycurious other members of his family--the name being Floud. 

The wife might still be called youngish, a bit florid in type, plumpish, with yellow hair, though to this a stain had been applied, leaving it in deficient consonance with her eyebrows; these shadinggrayish eyes that crackled with determination. Rather on the largeside she was, forcible of speech and manner, yet curiously eager, Ihad at once detected, for the exactly correct thing in dress anddeportment. 

The remaining member of the family was a male cousin of the so-calledSenator, his senior evidently by half a score of years, since I tookhim to have reached the late fifties. "Cousin Egbert" he was called, and it was at once apparent to me that he had been most direlysubjugated by the woman whom he addressed with great respect as "Mrs. Effie. " Rather a seamed and drooping chap he was, with mild, whitish-blue eyes like a porcelain doll's, a mournfully drooped graymoustache, and a grayish jumble of hair. I early remarked his huntedlook in the presence of the woman. Timid and soft-stepping he wasbeyond measure. 

Such were the impressions I had been able to glean of these altogetherqueer people during the fortnight since the Honourable George had solawlessly taken them up. Lodged they were in an hotel among the mostexpensive situated near what would have been our Trafalgar Square, andI later recalled that I had been most interestedly studied by theso-called "Mrs. Effie" on each of the few occasions I appeared there. I mean to say, she would not be above putting to me intimate questionsconcerning my term of service with the Honourable George AugustusVane-Basingwell, the precise nature of the duties I performed for him, and even the exact sum of my honourarium. On the last occasion she hadremarked--and too well I recall a strange glitter in her competenteyes--"You are just the man needed by poor Cousin Egbert there--youcould make something of him. Look at the way he's tied that cravatafter all I've said to him. "

The person referred to here shivered noticeably, stroked his chin in amanner enabling him to conceal the cravat, and affected nervously tobe taken with a sight in the street below. In some embarrassment Iwithdrew, conscious of a cold, speculative scrutiny bent upon me bythe woman. 

If I have seemed tedious in my recital of the known facts concerningthese extraordinary North American natives, it will, I am sure, beforgiven me in the light of those tragic developments about to ensue. 

Meantime, let me be pictured as reposing in fancied security from allevil predictions while I awaited the return of the Honourable George. I was only too certain he would come suffering from an acute aciddyspepsia, for I had seen lobster in his shifty eyes as he left me;but beyond this I apprehended nothing poignant, and I gave myself upto meditating profoundly upon our situation. 

Frankly, it was not good. I had done my best to cheer the HonourableGeorge, but since our brief sojourn at Ostend, and despite the almostcontinuous hospitality of the Americans, he had been having, to put itbluntly, an awful hump. At Ostend, despite my remonstrance, he hadstaked and lost the major portion of his quarter's allowance intesting a system at the wheel which had been warranted by the personwho sold it to him in London to break any bank in a day's play. He hadmeant to pause but briefly at Ostend, for little more than a test ofthe system, then proceed to Monte Carlo, where his proposed terrificwinnings would occasion less alarm to the managers. Yet at Ostend thesystem developed such grave faults in the first hour of play that wewere forced to lay up in Paris to economize. 

For myself I had entertained doubts of the system from the moment ofits purchase, for it seemed awfully certain to me that the vendorwould have used it himself instead of parting with it for a couple ofquid, he being in plain need of fresh linen and smarter boots, to saynothing of the quite impossible lounge-suit he wore the night we methim in a cab shelter near Covent Garden. But the Honourable George hadnot listened to me. He insisted the chap had made it all enormouslyclear; that those mathematical Johnnies never valued money for its ownsake, and that we should presently be as right as two sparrows in acrate. 

Fearfully annoyed I was at the dénouement. For now we were in Paris, rather meanly lodged in a dingy hotel on a narrow street leading fromwhat with us might have been Piccadilly Circus. Our rooms were rathera good height with a carved cornice and plaster enrichments, but thefurnishings were musty and the general air depressing, notwithstandingthe effect of a few good mantel ornaments which I have long made it arule to carry with me. 

Then had come the meeting with the Americans. Glad I was to reflectthat this had occurred in Paris instead of London. That sort of thinggets about so. Even from Paris I was not a little fearful that news ofhis mixing with this raffish set might get to the ears of hislordship either at the town house or at Chaynes-Wotten. True, hislordship is not over-liberal with his brother, but that is smallreason for affronting the pride of a family that attained its earldomin the fourteenth century. Indeed the family had become importantquite long before this time, the first Vane-Basingwell having beenbeheaded by no less a personage than William the Conqueror, as Ilearned in one of the many hours I have been privileged to browse inthe Chaynes-Wotten library. 

It need hardly be said that in my long term of service with theHonourable George, beginning almost from the time my mother nursedhim, I have endeavoured to keep him up to his class, combating acertain laxness that has hampered him. And most stubborn he is, andwilful. At games he is almost quite a duffer. I once got him to playoutside left on a hockey eleven and he excited much comment, some ofwhich was of a favourable nature, but he cares little for hunting orshooting and, though it is scarce a matter to be gossiped of, heloathes cricket. Perhaps I have disclosed enough concerning him. Although the Vane-Basingwells have quite almost always married theright people, the Honourable George was beyond question born queer. 

Again, in the matter of marriage, he was difficult. His lordship, having married early into a family of poor lifes, was now long awidower, and meaning to remain so he had been especially concernedthat the Honourable George should contract a proper alliance. Henceour constant worry lest he prove too susceptible out of his class. More than once had he shamefully funked his fences. There was thedistressing instance of the Honourable Agatha Cradleigh. Quite allthat could be desired of family and dower she was, thirty-two yearsold, a bit faded though still eager, with the rather immensely highforehead and long, thin, slightly curved Cradleigh nose. 

The Honourable George at his lordship's peppery urging had at lastconsented to a betrothal, and our troubles for a time promised to beover, but it came to precisely nothing. I gathered it might have beenbecause she wore beads on her gown and was interested in uplift work, or that she bred canaries, these birds being loathed by the HonourableGeorge with remarkable intensity, though it might equally have beenthat she still mourned a deceased fiancé of her early girlhood, acurate, I believe, whose faded letters she had preserved and wouldread to the Honourable George at intimate moments, weeping bitterlythe while. Whatever may have been his fancied objection--that is thetime we disappeared and were not heard of for near a twelvemonth. 

Wondering now I was how we should last until the next quarter'sallowance. We always had lasted, but each time it was a different way. The Honourable George at a crisis of this sort invariably spoke ofentering trade, and had actually talked of selling motor-cars, pointing out to me that even certain rulers of Europe had franklyentered this trade as agents. It might have proved remunerative had heknown anything of motor-cars, but I was more than glad he did not, forI have always considered machinery to be unrefined. Much I preferredthat he be a company promoter or something of that sort in the city, knowing about bonds and debentures, as many of the best of ourfamilies are not above doing. It seemed all he could do withpropriety, having failed in examinations for the army and the church, and being incurably hostile to politics, which he declared silly rot. 

Sharply at midnight I aroused myself from these gloomy thoughts andbreathed a long sigh of relief. Both gipsy and psychic expert hadfailed in their prophecies. With a lightened heart I set about thepreparations I knew would be needed against the Honourable George'sreturn. Strong in my conviction that he would not have been able toresist lobster, I made ready his hot foot-bath with its solution ofbrine-crystals and put the absorbent fruit-lozenges close by, togetherwith his sleeping-suit, his bed-cap, and his knitted night-socks. Scarcely was all ready when I heard his step. 

He greeted me curtly on entering, swiftly averting his face as I tookhis stick, hat, and top-coat. But I had seen the worst at one glance. The Honourable George was more than spotted--he was splotchy. It wasas bad as that. 

"Lobster _and_ oysters, " I made bold to remark, but he affectednot to have heard, and proceeded rapidly to disrobe. He accepted thefoot-bath without demur, pulling a blanket well about his shoulders, complaining of the water's temperature, and demanding three of thefruit-lozenges. 

"Not what you think at all, " he then said. "It was that cursedbar-le-duc jelly. Always puts me this way, and you quite well knowit. "

"Yes, sir, to be sure, " I answered gravely, and had the satisfactionof noting that he looked quite a little foolish. Too well he knew Icould not be deceived, and even now I could surmise that the lobsterhad been supported by sherry. How many times have I not explained tohim that sherry has double the tonic vinosity of any other wine andmay not be tampered with by the sensitive. But he chose at present tomake light of it, almost as if he were chaffing above his knowledge ofsome calamity. 

"Some book Johnny says a chap is either a fool or a physician atforty, " he remarked, drawing the blanket more closely about him. 

"I should hardly rank you as a Harley Street consultant, sir, " Iswiftly retorted, which was slanging him enormously because he hadturned forty. I mean to say, there was but one thing he could take meas meaning him to be, since at forty I considered him no physician. But at least I had not been too blunt, the touch about the HarleyStreet consultant being rather neat, I thought, yet not too subtle forhim. 

He now demanded a pipe of tobacco, and for a time smoked in silence. Icould see that his mind worked painfully. 

"Stiffish lot, those Americans, " he said at last. 

"They do so many things one doesn't do, " I answered. 

"And their brogue is not what one could call top-hole, is it now? Howoften they say 'I guess!' I fancy they must say it a score of times ina half-hour. "

"I fancy they do, sir, " I agreed. 

"I fancy that Johnny with the eyebrows will say it even oftener. "

"I fancy so, sir. I fancy I've counted it well up to that. "

"I fancy you're quite right. And the chap 'guesses' when he awfullywell knows, too. That's the essential rabbit. To-night he said 'Iguess I've got you beaten to a pulp, ' when I fancy he wasn't guessingat all. I mean to say, I swear he knew it perfectly. "

"You lost the game of drawing poker?" I asked coldly, though I knew hehad carried little to lose. 

"I lost----" he began. I observed he was strangely embarrassed. Hestrangled over his pipe and began anew: "I said that to play the gamesoundly you've only to know when to bluff. Studied it out myself, andjolly well right I was, too, as far as I went. But there's further togo in the silly game. I hadn't observed that to play it greatly onemust also know when one's opponent is bluffing. "

"Really, sir?"

"Oh, really; quite important, I assure you. More important than onewould have believed, watching their silly ways. You fancy a chap'sbluffing when he's doing nothing of the sort. I'd enormously haveliked to know it before we played. Things would have been so awfullydifferent for us"--he broke off curiously, paused, then added--"foryou. "

"Different for me, sir?" His words seemed gruesome. They seemed opento some vaguely sinister interpretation. But I kept myself steady. 

"We live and learn, sir, " I said, lightly enough. 

"Some of us learn too late, " he replied, increasingly ominous. 

"I take it you failed to win the hundred pounds, sir?"

[Illustration: "I TAKE IT YOU FAILED TO WIN THE HUNDRED POUNDS, SIR?"]

"I have the hundred pounds; I won it--by losing. "

Again he evaded my eye. 

"Played, indeed, sir, " said I. 

"You jolly well won't believe that for long. "

Now as he had the hundred pounds, I couldn't fancy what the deuce andall he meant by such prattle. I was half afraid he might be having meon, as I have known him do now and again when he fancied he could getme. I fearfully wanted to ask questions. Again I saw the dark, absorbed face of the gipsy as he studied my future. 

"Rotten shift, life is, " now murmured the Honourable George quite asif he had forgotten me. "If I'd have but put through that Monte Carloaffair I dare say I'd have chucked the whole business--gone to SouthAfrica, perhaps, and set up a mine or a plantation. Shouldn't havecome back. Just cut off, and good-bye to this mess. But no capital. Can't do things without capital. Where these American Johnnies havethe pull of us. Do anything. Nearly do what they jolly well like to. No sense to money. Stuff that runs blind. Look at the silly beggarsthat have it----" On he went quite alarmingly with his tirade. Almostas violent he was as an ugly-headed chap I once heard ranting when Iwent with my brother-in-law to a meeting of the North Brixton RadicalClub. Quite like an anarchist he was. Presently he quieted. After along pull at his pipe he regarded me with an entire change of manner. Well I knew something was coming; coming swift as a rocketingwoodcock. Word for word I put down our incredible speeches:

"You are going out to America, Ruggles. "

"Yes, sir; North or South, sir?"

"North, I fancy; somewhere on the West coast--Ohio, Omaha, one of thoseIndian places. "

"Perhaps Indiana or the Yellowstone Valley, sir. "

"The chap's a sort of millionaire. "

"The chap, sir?"

"Eyebrow chap. Money no end--mines, lumber, domestic animals, thatsort of thing. "

"Beg pardon, sir! I'm to go----"

"Chap's wife taken a great fancy to you. Would have you to do for thefunny, sad beggar. So he's won you. Won you in a game of drawingpoker. Another man would have done as well, but the creature was keenfor you. Great strength of character. Determined sort. Hope you won'tthink I didn't play soundly, but it's not a forthright game. Thinkthey're bluffing when they aren't. When they are you mayn't think it. So far as hiding one's intentions, it's a most rottenly immoral game. Low, animal cunning--that sort of thing. "

"Do I understand I was the stake, sir?" I controlled myself to say. The heavens seemed bursting about my head. 

"Ultimately lost you were by the very trifling margin of superioritythat a hand known as a club flush bears over another hand consistingof three of the eights--not quite all of them, you understand, onlythree, and two other quite meaningless cards. "

I could but stammer piteously, I fear. I heard myself make a wretchedfailure of words that crowded to my lips. 

"But it's quite simple, I tell you. I dare say I could show it you ina moment if you've cards in your box. "

"Thank you, sir, I'll not trouble you. I'm certain it was simple. Butwould you mind telling me what exactly the game was played for?"

"Knew you'd not understand at once. My word, it was not too ballysimple. If I won I'd a hundred pounds. If I lost I'd to give you up tothem but still to receive a hundred pounds. I suspect the Johnny'sconscience pricked him. Thought you were worth a hundred pounds, andguessed all the time he could do me awfully in the eye with his poker. Quite set they were on having you. Eyebrow chap seemed to think it ajolly good wheeze. She didn't, though. Quite off her head at havingyou for that glum one who does himself so badly. "

Dazed I was, to be sure, scarce comprehending the calamity that hadbefallen us. 

"Am I to understand, sir, that I am now in the service of theAmericans?"

"Stupid! Of course, of course! Explained clearly, haven't I, about theclub flush and the three eights. Only three of them, mind you. If theother one had been in my hand, I'd have done him. As narrow a squeakas that. But I lost. And you may be certain I lost gamely, as agentleman should. No laughing matter, but I laughed with them--exceptthe funny, sad one. He was worried and made no secret of it. They weregood enough to say I took my loss like a dead sport. "

More of it followed, but always the same. Ever he came back to thesickening, concise point that I was to go out to the Americanwilderness with these grotesque folk who had but the most elementarynotions of what one does and what one does not do. Always he concludedwith his boast that he had taken his loss like a dead sport. He becamevexed at last by my painful efforts to understand how, precisely, thedreadful thing had come about. But neither could I endure more. I fledto my room. He had tried again to impress upon me that three eightsare but slightly inferior to the flush of clubs. 

I faced my glass. My ordinary smooth, full face seemed to haveshrivelled. The marks of my anguish were upon me. Vainly had I lockedmyself in. The gipsy's warning had borne its evil fruit. Sold, I'dbeen; even as once the poor blackamoors were sold into Americanbondage. I recalled one of their pathetic folk-songs in which thewretches were wont to make light of their lamentable estate; a thing Ihad often heard sung by a black with a banjo on the pier at Brighton;not a genuine black, only dyed for the moment he was, but I had neverlost the plaintive quality of the verses:

 "Away down South in Michigan, Where I was so happy and so gay, 'Twas there I mowed the cotton and the cane----"

How poignantly the simple words came back to me! A slave, day afterday mowing his owner's cotton and cane, plucking the maize from thesavannahs, yet happy and gay! Should I be equal to this spirit? TheHonourable George had lost; so I, his pawn, must also submit like adead sport. 

How little I then dreamed what adventures, what adversities, whatignominies--yes, and what triumphs were to be mine in those backblocks of North America! I saw but a bleak wilderness, a distressingcontact with people who never for a moment would do with us. Ishuddered. I despaired. 

And outside the windows gay Paris laughed and sang in the dance, everunheeding my plight!

CHAPTER TWO

In that first sleep how often do we dream that our calamity has beenonly a dream. It was so in my first moments of awakening. Vestiges ofsome grotesquely hideous nightmare remained with me. Wearing theshackles of the slave, I had been mowing the corn under the fierce sunthat beats down upon the American savannahs. Sickeningly, then, a windof memory blew upon me and I was alive to my situation. 

Nor was I forgetful of the plight in which the Honourable George wouldnow find himself. He is as good as lost when not properly lookedafter. In the ordinary affairs of life he is a simple, trusting, incompetent duffer, if ever there was one. Even in so rudimentary amatter as collar-studs he is like a storm-tossed mariner--I mean tosay, like a chap in a boat on the ocean who doesn't know what sails topull up nor how to steer the silly rudder. 

One rather feels exactly that about him. 

And now he was bound to go seedy beyond description--like the time atMentone when he dreamed a system for playing the little horses, afterwhich for a fortnight I was obliged to nurse a well-connected invalidin order that we might last over till next remittance day. The havoche managed to wreak among his belongings in that time would scarce bebelieved should I set it down--not even a single boot properlytreed--and his appearance when I was enabled to recover him (my clienthaving behaved most handsomely on the eve of his departure for Spain)being such that I passed him in the hotel lounge without even anod--climbing-boots, with trousers from his one suit of boatingflannels, a blazered golfing waistcoat, his best morning-coat with thewide braid, a hunting-stock and a motoring-cap, with his beard morethan discursive, as one might say, than I had ever seen it. If Idisclose this thing it is only that my fears for him may becomprehended when I pictured him being permanently out of hand. 

Meditating thus bitterly, I had but finished dressing when I wasstartled by a knock on my door and by the entrance, to my summons, ofthe elder and more subdued Floud, he of the drooping mustaches and themournful eyes of pale blue. One glance at his attire brought freshlyto my mind the atrocious difficulties of my new situation. I may becredited or not, but combined with tan boots and wretchedly fittingtrousers of a purple hue he wore a black frock-coat, revealing far, far too much of a blue satin "made" cravat on which was painted acluster of tiny white flowers--lilies of the valley, I should say. Unbelievably above this monstrous mélange was a rather low-crownedbowler hat. 

Hardly repressing a shudder, I bowed, whereupon he advanced solemnlyto me and put out his hand. To cover the embarrassing situationtactfully I extended my own, and we actually shook hands, although theclasp was limply quite formal. 

"How do you do, Mr. Ruggles?" he began. 

I bowed again, but speech failed me. 

"She sent me over to get you, " he went on. He uttered the word "She"with such profound awe that I knew he could mean none other than Mrs. Effie. It was most extraordinary, but I dare say only what was to havebeen expected from persons of this sort. In any good-class club oramong gentlemen at large it is customary to allow one at leasttwenty-four hours for the payment of one's gambling debts. Yet there Iwas being collected by the winner at so early an hour as half-afterseven. If I had been a five-pound note instead of myself, I fancy itwould have been quite the same. These Americans would most indecentlyhave sent for their winnings before the Honourable George hadawakened. One would have thought they had expected him to refusepayment of me after losing me the night before. How little they seemedto realize that we were both intending to be dead sportsmen. 

"Very good, sir, " I said, "but I trust I may be allowed to brew theHonourable George his tea before leaving? I'd hardly like to trust tohim alone with it, sir. "

"Yes, sir, " he said, so respectfully that it gave me an odd feeling. "Take your time, Mr. Ruggles. I don't know as I am in any hurry on myown account. It's only account of Her. "

I trust it will be remembered that in reporting this person's speechesI am making an earnest effort to set them down word for word in alltheir terrific peculiarities. I mean to say, I would not be heldaccountable for his phrasing, and if I corrected his speech, as ofcourse the tendency is, our identities might become confused. I hopethis will be understood when I report him as saying things in ways onedoesn't word them. I mean to say that it should not be thought that Iwould say them in this way if it chanced that I were saying the samethings in my proper person. I fancy this should now be plain. 

"Very well, sir, " I said. 

"If it was me, " he went on, "I wouldn't want you a little bit. Butit's Her. She's got her mind made up to do the right thing and have usall be somebody, and when she makes her mind up----" He hesitated andstudied the ceiling for some seconds. "Believe me, " he continued, "Mrs. Effie is some wildcat!"

"Yes, sir--some wildcat, " I repeated. 

"Believe _me_, Bill, " he said again, quaintly addressing me by aname not my own--"believe me, she'd fight a rattlesnake and give itthe first two bites. "

Again let it be recalled that I put down this extraordinary speechexactly as I heard it. I thought to detect in it that grotesqueexaggeration with which the Americans so distressingly embellish theirhumour. I mean to say, it could hardly have been meant in allseriousness. So far as my researches have extended, the rattlesnake isan invariably poisonous reptile. Fancy giving one so downright anadvantage as the first two bites, or even one bite, although I believethe thing does not in fact bite at all, but does one down with itsforked tongue, of which there is an excellent drawing in my littlevolume, "Inquire Within; 1, 000 Useful Facts. "

"Yes, sir, " I replied, somewhat at a loss; "quite so, sir!"

"I just thought I'd wise you up beforehand. "

"Thank you, sir, " I said, for his intention beneath the weird jargonwas somehow benevolent. "And if you'll be good enough to wait until Ihave taken tea to the Honourable George----"

"How is the Judge this morning?" he broke in. 

"The Judge, sir?" I was at a loss, until he gestured toward the roomof the Honourable George. 

"The Judge, yes. Ain't he a justice of the peace or something?"

"But no, sir; not at all, sir. "

"Then what do you call him 'Honourable' for, if he ain't a judge orsomething?"

"Well, sir, it's done, sir, " I explained, but I fear he was unable tocatch my meaning, for a moment later (the Honourable George, hearingour voices, had thrown a boot smartly against the door) he wasaddressing him as "Judge" and thereafter continued to do so, nor didthe Honourable George seem to make any moment of being thus miscalled. 

I served the Ceylon tea, together with biscuits and marmalade, thewhile our caller chatted nervously. He had, it appeared, procured hisown breakfast while on his way to us. 

"I got to have my ham and eggs of a morning, " he confided. "But shewon't let me have anything at that hotel but a continental breakfast, which is nothing but coffee and toast and some of that there sauceyou're eating. She says when I'm on the continent I got to eat acontinental breakfast, because that's the smart thing to do, and notstuff myself like I was on the ranch; but I got that game beat bothways from the jack. I duck out every morning before she's up. I founda place where you can get regular ham and eggs. "

"Regular ham and eggs?" murmured the Honourable George. 

"French ham and eggs is a joke. They put a slice of boiled ham in alittle dish, slosh a couple of eggs on it, and tuck the dish into theoven a few minutes. Say, they won't ever believe that back in Red Gapwhen I tell it. But I found this here little place where they do itright, account of Americans having made trouble so much over the otherway. But, mind you, don't let on to her, " he warned me suddenly. 

"Certainly not, sir, " I said. "Trust me to be discreet, sir. "

"All right, then. Maybe we'll get on better than what I thought wewould. I was looking for trouble with you, the way she's been talkingabout what you'd do for me. "

"I trust matters will be pleasant, sir, " I replied. 

"I can be pushed just so far, " he curiously warned me, "and nofarther--not by any man that wears hair. "

"Yes, sir, " I said again, wondering what the wearing of hair mightmean to this process of pushing him, and feeling rather absurdly gladthat my own face is smoothly shaven. 

"You'll find Ruggles fairish enough after you've got used to hisways, " put in the Honourable George. 

"All right, Judge; and remember it wasn't my doings, " said my newemployer, rising and pulling down to his ears his fearful bowler hat. "And now we better report to her before she does a hot-foot over here. You can pack your grip later in the day, " he added to me. 

"Pack my grip--yes, sir, " I said numbly, for I was on the tick ofleaving the Honourable George helpless in bed. In a voice that I fearwas broken I spoke of clothes for the day's wear which I had laid outfor him the night before. He waved a hand bravely at us and sank backinto his pillow as my new employer led me forth. There had been barelya glance between us to betoken the dreadfulness of the moment. 

At our door I was pleased to note that a taximetre cab awaited us. Ihad acutely dreaded a walk through the streets, even of Paris, with mynew employer garbed as he was. The blue satin cravat of itself wouldhave been bound to insure us more attention than one would care for. 

I fear we were both somewhat moody during the short ride. Each of usseemed to have matters of weight to reflect upon. Only upon reachingour destination did my companion brighten a bit. For a fare of fivefrancs forty centimes he gave the driver a ten-franc piece and waitedfor no change. 

"I always get around them that way, " he said with an expression of thebrightest cunning. "She used to have the laugh on me because I got somuch counterfeit money handed to me. Now I don't take any change atall. "

"Yes, sir, " I said. "Quite right, sir. "

"There's more than one way to skin a cat, " he added as we ascended tothe Floud's drawing-room, though why his mind should have flown tothis brutal sport, if it be a sport, was quite beyond me. At the doorhe paused and hissed at me: "Remember, no matter what she says, if youtreat me white I'll treat you white. " And before I could frame anysuitable response to this puzzling announcement he had opened the doorand pushed me in, almost before I could remove my cap. 

Seated at the table over coffee and rolls was Mrs. Effie. Her facebrightened as she saw me, then froze to disapproval as her glancerested upon him I was to know as Cousin Egbert. I saw her capablemouth set in a straight line of determination. 

"You did your very worst, didn't you?" she began. "But sit down andeat your breakfast. He'll soon change _that_. " She turned to me. "Now, Ruggles, I hope you understand the situation, and I'm sure I cantrust you to take no nonsense from him. You see plainly what you'vegot to do. I let him dress to suit himself this morning, so that youcould know the worst at once. Take a good look at him--shoes, coat, hat--that dreadful cravat!"

"I call this a right pretty necktie, " mumbled her victim over a crustof toast. She had poured coffee for him. 

"You hear that?" she asked me. I bowed sympathetically. 

"What does he look like?" she insisted. "Just tell him for his owngood, please. "

But this I could not do. True enough, during our short ride he hadbeen reminding me of one of a pair of cross-talk comedians I had onceseen in a music-hall. This, of course, was not a thing one could say. 

"I dare say, Madam, he could be smartened up a bit. If I might takehim to some good-class shop----"

"And burn the things he's got on----" she broke in. 

"Not this here necktie, " interrupted Cousin Egbert rather stubbornly. "It was give to me by Jeff Tuttle's littlest girl last Christmas; andthis here Prince Albert coat--what's the matter of it, I'd like toknow? It come right from the One Price Clothing Store at Red Gap, andit's plenty good to go to funerals in----"

"And then to a barber-shop with him, " went on Mrs. Effie, who had paidno heed to his outburst. "Get him done right for once. "

Her relative continued to nibble nervously at a bit of toast. 

"I've done something with him myself, " she said, watching himnarrowly. "At first he insisted on having the whole bill-of-fare forbreakfast, but I put my foot down, and now he's satisfied with thecontinental breakfast. That goes to show he has something in him, ifwe can only bring it out. "

"Something in him, indeed, yes, Madam!" I assented, and Cousin Egbert, turning to me, winked heavily. 

"I want him to look like some one, " she resumed, "and I think you'rethe man can make him if you're firm with him; but you'll have to befirm, because he's full of tricks. And if he starts any rough stuff, just come to me. "

"Quite so, Madam, " I said, but I felt I was blushing with shame athearing one of my own sex so slanged by a woman. That sort of thingwould never do with us. And yet there was something about thiswoman--something weirdly authoritative. She showed rather well in themorning light, her gray eyes crackling as she talked. She was wearinga most elaborate peignoir, and of course she should not have worn thediamonds; it seemed almost too much like the morning hour of a stagefavourite; but still one felt that when she talked one would do wellto listen. 

Hereupon Cousin Egbert startled me once more. 

"Won't you set up and have something with us, Mr. Ruggles?" he asked me. 

I looked away, affecting not to have heard, and could feel Mrs. Effiescowling at him. He coughed into his cup and sprayed coffee well overhimself. His intention had been obvious in the main, though exactlywhat he had meant by "setting up" I couldn't fancy--as if I had been aperforming poodle!

The moment's embarrassment was well covered by Mrs. Effie, who againrenewed her instructions, and from an escritoire brought me a sheaf ofthe pretentiously printed sheets which the French use in place of ourbanknotes. 

"You will spare no expense, " she directed, "and don't let me see himagain until he looks like some one. Try to have him back here by five. Some very smart friends of ours are coming for tea. "

"I won't drink tea at that outlandish hour for any one, " said CousinEgbert rather snappishly. 

"You will at least refuse it like a man of the world, I hope, " shereplied icily, and he drooped submissive once more. "You see?" sheadded to me. 

"Quite so, Madam, " I said, and resolved to be firm and thorough withCousin Egbert. In a way I was put upon my mettle. I swore to make himlook like some one. Moreover, I now saw that his half-veiled threatsof rebellion to me had been pure swank. I had in turn but to threatento report him to this woman and he would be as clay in my hands. 

I presently had him tucked into a closed taxicab, half-heartedlymuttering expostulations and protests to which I paid not the leastheed. During my strolls I had observed in what would have been RegentStreet at home a rather good-class shop with an English name, and tothis I now proceeded with my charge. I am afraid I rather hustled himacross the pavement and into the shop, not knowing what tricks hemight be up to, and not until he was well to the back did I attempt toexplain myself to the shop-walker who had followed us. To him I thengave details of my charge's escape from a burning hotel the previousnight, which accounted for his extraordinary garb of the moment, hehaving been obliged to accept the loan of garments that neither fittedhim nor harmonized with one another. I mean to say, I did not care tohave the chap suspect we would don tan boots, a frock-coat, and bowlerhat except under the most tremendous compulsion. 

Cousin Egbert stared at me open mouthed during this recital, but theshop-walker was only too readily convinced, as indeed who would nothave been, and called an intelligent assistant to relieve ourdistress. With his help I swiftly selected an outfit that was not halfbad for ready-to-wear garments. There was a black morning-coat, snugat the waist, moderately broad at the shoulders, closing with twobuttons, its skirt sharply cut away from the lower button and reachingto the bend of the knee. The lapels were, of course, soft-rolled andjoined the collar with a triangular notch. It is a coat of immensecharacter when properly worn, and I was delighted to observe in thetrying on that Cousin Egbert filled it rather smartly. Moreover, hesubmitted more meekly than I had hoped. The trousers I selected wereof gray cloth, faintly striped, the waistcoat being of the samematerial as the coat, relieved at the neck-opening by an edging ofwhite. 

With the boots I had rather more trouble, as he refused to wear thepatent leathers that I selected, together with the pearl gray spats, until I grimly requested the telephone assistant to put me through tothe hotel, desiring to speak to Mrs. Senator Floud. This brought himaround, although muttering, and I had less trouble with shirts, collars, and cravats. I chose a shirt of white piqué, a wing collarwith small, square-cornered tabs, and a pearl ascot. 

Then in a cabinet I superintended Cousin Egbert's change of raiment. We clashed again in the matter of sock-suspenders, which I wasastounded to observe he did not possess. He insisted that he had neverworn them--garters he called them--and never would if he were shot forit, so I decided to be content with what I had already gained. 

By dint of urging and threatening I at length achieved my ground-workand was more than a little pleased with my effect, as was theshop-assistant, after I had tied the pearl ascot and adjusted a quiettie-pin of my own choosing. 

"Now I hope you're satisfied!" growled my charge, seizing his bowlerhat and edging off. 

"By no means, " I said coldly. "The hat, if you please, sir. "

He gave it up rebelliously, and I had again to threaten him with thetelephone before he would submit to a top-hat with a moderate bell andbroad brim. Surveying this in the glass, however, he becameperceptibly reconciled. It was plain that he rather fancied it, thoughas yet he wore it consciously and would turn his head slowly andpainfully, as if his neck were stiffened. 

Having chosen the proper gloves, I was, I repeat, more than pleasedwith this severely simple scheme of black, white, and gray. I felt Ihad been wise to resist any tendency to colour, even to the mostdelicate of pastel tints. My last selection was a smartish Malaccastick, the ideal stick for town wear, which I thrust into thedefenceless hands of my client. 

"And now, sir, " I said firmly, "it is but a step to a barber's stopwhere English is spoken. " And ruefully he accompanied me. I dare saythat by that time he had discovered that I was not to be trifled with, for during his hour in the barber's chair he did not once rebelopenly. Only at times would he roll his eyes to mine in dumb appeal. There was in them something of the utter confiding helplessness I hadnoted in the eyes of an old setter at Chaynes-Wotten when I had beencalled upon to assist the undergardener in chloroforming him. I meanto say, the dog had jolly well known something terrible was being doneto him, yet his eyes seemed to say he knew it must be all for the bestand that he trusted us. It was this look I caught as I gave directionsabout the trimming of the hair, and especially when I directed thatsomething radical should be done to the long, grayish moustache thatfell to either side of his chin in the form of a horseshoe. I myselfwas puzzled by this difficulty, but the barber solved it ratherneatly, I thought, after a whispered consultation with me. He snippeda bit off each end and then stoutly waxed the whole affair until theends stood stiffly out with distinct military implications. I shallnever forget, and indeed I was not a little touched by the look ofquivering anguish in the eyes of my client when he first beheld thisnovel effect. And yet when we were once more in the street I could notbut admit that the change was worth all that it had cost him insuffering. Strangely, he now looked like some one, especially after Ihad persuaded him to a carnation for his buttonhole. I cannot say thathis carriage was all that it should have been, and he was stillconscious of his smart attire, but I nevertheless felt a distinctthrill of pride in my own work, and was eager to reveal him to Mrs. Effie in his new guise. 

But first he would have luncheon--dinner he called it--and I was notaverse to this, for I had put in a long and trying morning. I wentwith him to the little restaurant where Americans had made so muchtrouble about ham and eggs, and there he insisted that I should joinhim in chops and potatoes and ale. I thought it only proper then topoint out to him that there was certain differences in our walks oflife which should be more or less denoted by his manner of addressingme. Among other things he should not address me as Mr. Ruggles, norwas it customary for a valet to eat at the same table with his master. He seemed much interested in these distinctions and thereuponaddressed me as "Colonel, " which was of course quite absurd, but thisI could not make him see. Thereafter, I may say, that he called meimpartially either "Colonel" or "Bill. " It was a situation that I hadnever before been obliged to meet, and I found it trying in theextreme. He was a chap who seemed ready to pal up with any one, and Icould not but recall the strange assertion I had so often heard thatin America one never knows who is one's superior. Fancy that! It wouldnever do with us. I could only determine to be on my guard. 

Our luncheon done, he consented to accompany me to the hotel of theHonourable George, whence I wished to remove my belongings. I shouldhave preferred to go alone, but I was too fearful of what he might doto himself or his clothes in my absence. 

We found the Honourable George still in bed, as I had feared. He had, it seemed, been unable to discover his collar studs, which, though Ihad placed them in a fresh shirt for him, he had carelessly coveredwith a blanket. Begging Cousin Egbert to be seated in my room, I did afew of the more obvious things required by my late master. 

"You'd leave me here like a rat in a trap, " he said reproachfully, which I thought almost quite a little unjust. I mean to say, it hadall been his own doing, he having lost me in the game of drawingpoker, so why should he row me about it now? I silently laid out theshirt once more. 

"You might have told me where I'm to find my brown tweeds and the bodylinen. "

Again he was addressing me as if I had voluntarily left him withoutnotice, but I observed that he was still mildly speckled from thenight before, so I handed him the fruit-lozenges, and went to pack myown box. Cousin Egbert I found sitting as I had left him, on the edgeof a chair, carefully holding his hat, stick, and gloves, and staringinto the wall. He had promised me faithfully not to fumble with hiscravat, and evidently he had not once stirred. I packed my boxswiftly--my "grip, " as he called it--and we were presently off oncemore, without another sight of the Honourable George, who was to joinus at tea. I could hear him moving about, using rather ultra-frightfullanguage, but I lacked heart for further speech with him at themoment. 

An hour later, in the Floud drawing-room, I had the supremesatisfaction of displaying to Mrs. Effie the happy changes I had beenable to effect in my charge. Posing him, I knocked at the door of herchamber. She came at once and drew a long breath as she surveyed him, from varnished boots, spats, and coat to top-hat, which he still wore. He leaned rather well on his stick, the hand to his hip, the elbowout, while the other hand lightly held his gloves. A moment shelooked, then gave a low cry of wonder and delight, so that I feltrepaid for my trouble. Indeed, as she faced me to thank me I could seethat her eyes were dimmed. 

"Wonderful!" she exclaimed. "Now he looks like some one!" And Idistinctly perceived that only just in time did she repress an impulseto grasp me by the hand. Under the circumstances I am not sure that Iwouldn't have overlooked the lapse had she yielded to it. "Wonderful!"she said again. 

[Illustration: "WONDERFUL! NOW HE LOOKS LIKE SOME ONE"]

Hereupon Cousin Egbert, much embarrassed, leaned his stick against thewall; the stick fell, and in reaching down for it his hat fell, and inreaching for that he dropped his gloves; but I soon restored him toorder and he was safely seated where he might be studied in furtherdetail, especially as to his moustaches, which I had considered ratherthe supreme touch. 

"He looks exactly like some well-known clubman, " exclaimed Mrs. Effie. 

Her relative growled as if he were quite ready to savage her. 

"Like a man about town, " she murmured. "Who would have thought he hadit in him until you brought it out?" I knew then that we two shouldunderstand each other. 

The slight tension was here relieved by two of the hotel servants whobrought tea things. At a nod from Mrs. Effie I directed the laying outof these. 

At that moment came the other Floud, he of the eyebrows, and a cousincub called Elmer, who, I understood, studied art. I became aware thatthey were both suddenly engaged and silenced by the sight of CousinEgbert. I caught their amazed stares, and then terrifically they brokeinto gales of laughter. The cub threw himself on a couch, waving hisfeet in the air, and holding his middle as if he'd suffered a suddenacute dyspepsia, while the elder threw his head back and shriekedhysterically. Cousin Egbert merely glared at them and, endeavouringto stroke his moustache, succeeded in unwaxing one side of it so thatit once more hung limply down his chin, whereat they renewed theirboorishness. The elder Floud was now quite dangerously purple, and thecub on the couch was shrieking: "No matter how dark the clouds, remembershe is still your stepmother, " or words to some such silly effect asthat. How it might have ended I hardly dare conjecture--perhaps CousinEgbert would presently have roughed them--but a knock sounded, and itbecame my duty to open our door upon other guests, women mostly;Americans in Paris; that sort of thing. 

I served the tea amid their babble. The Honourable George was shown upa bit later, having done to himself quite all I thought he might inthe matter of dress. In spite of serious discrepancies in his attire, however, I saw that Mrs. Effie meant to lionize him tremendously. Withvast ceremony he was presented to her guests--the Honourable GeorgeAugustus Vane-Basingwell, brother of his lordship the Earl ofBrinstead. The women fluttered about him rather, though he behavedmoodily, and at the first opportunity fell to the tea and cakes quitewholeheartedly. 

In spite of my aversion to the American wilderness, I felt a bit ofprofessional pride in reflecting that my first day in this new servicewas about to end so auspiciously. Yet even in that moment, being asyet unfamiliar with the room's lesser furniture, I stumbled slightlyagainst a hassock hid from me by the tray I carried. A cup of tea waslost, though my recovery was quick. Too late I observed that thehitherto self-effacing Cousin Egbert was in range of my clumsiness. 

"There goes tea all over my new pants!" he said in a high, painedvoice. 

"Sorry, indeed, sir, " said I, a ready napkin in hand. "Let me dry it, sir!"

"Yes, sir, I fancy quite so, sir, " said he. 

I most truly would have liked to shake him smartly for this. I sawthat my work was cut out for me among these Americans, from whom attheir best one expects so little. 

CHAPTER THREE

As I brisked out of bed the following morning at half-after six, Icould not but wonder rather nervously what the day might have in storefor me. I was obliged to admit that what I was in for looked a bitthick. As I opened my door I heard stealthy footsteps down the halland looked out in time to observe Cousin Egbert entering his own room. It was not this that startled me. He would have been abroad, I knew, for the ham and eggs that were forbidden him. Yet I stood aghast, forwith the lounge-suit of tweeds I had selected the day before he hadworn his top-hat! I am aware that these things I relate of him may notbe credited. I can only put them down in all sincerity. 

I hastened to him and removed the thing from his head. I fear it wasnot with the utmost deference, for I have my human moments. 

"It's not done, sir, " I protested. He saw that I was offended. 

"All right, sir, " he replied meekly. "But how was I to know? I thoughtit kind of set me off. " He referred to it as a "stove-pipe" hat. Iknew then that I should find myself overlooking many things in him. Hewas not a person one could be stern with, and I even promised thatMrs. Effie should not be told of his offence, he promising in turnnever again to stir abroad without first submitting himself to me andagreeing also to wear sock-suspenders from that day forth. I saw, indeed, that diplomacy might work wonders with him. 

At breakfast in the drawing-room, during which Cousin Egbert earnedwarm praise from Mrs. Effie for his lack of appetite (he winkingviolently at me during this), I learned that I should be expected toaccompany him to a certain art gallery which corresponds to ourBritish Museum. I was a bit surprised, indeed, to learn that helargely spent his days there, and was accustomed to make notes of thevarious objects of interest. 

"I insisted, " explained Mrs. Effie, "that he should absorb all theculture he could on his trip abroad, so I got him a notebook in whichhe puts down his impressions, and I must say he's done fine. Some ofhis remarks are so good that when he gets home I may have him read apaper before our Onwards and Upwards Club. "

Cousin Egbert wriggled modestly at this and said: "Shucks!" which Itook to be a term of deprecation. 

"You needn't pretend, " said Mrs. Effie. "Just let Ruggles here lookover some of the notes you have made, " and she handed me a notebook ofruled paper in which there was a deal of writing. I glanced, asbidden, at one or two of the paragraphs, and confess that I, too, wasamazed at the fluency and insight displayed along lines in which Ishould have thought the man entirely uninformed. "This choice workrepresents the first or formative period of the Master, " began onenote, "but distinctly foreshadows that later method which made him atonce the hope and despair of his contemporaries. In the 'Portrait ofthe Artist by Himself' we have a canvas that well repays patientstudy, since here is displayed in its full flower that ruthlessrealism, happily attenuated by a superbly subtle delicacy of brushwork----" It was really quite amazing, and I perceived for the firsttime that Cousin Egbert must be "a diamond in the rough, " as thewell-known saying has it. I felt, indeed, that I would be very pleasedto accompany him on one of his instructive strolls through thisgallery, for I have always been of a studious habit and anxious toimprove myself in the fine arts. 

"You see?" asked Mrs. Effie, when I had perused this fragment. "Andyet folks back home would tell you that he's just a----" Cousin Egberthere coughed alarmingly. "No matter, " she continued. "He'll show themthat he's got something in him, mark my words. "

"Quite so, Madam, " I said, "and I shall consider it a privilege to bepresent when he further prosecutes his art studies. "

"You may keep him out till dinner-time, " she continued. "I'm shoppingthis morning, and in the afternoon I shall motor to have tea in theBoy with the Senator and Mr. Nevil Vane-Basingwell. "

Presently, then, my charge and I set out for what I hoped was to be apeaceful and instructive day among objects of art, though first I wasobliged to escort him to a hatter's and glover's to remedy some minordiscrepancies in his attire. He was very pleased when I permitted himto select his own hat. I was safe in this, as the shop was reallyartists in gentlemen's headwear, and carried only shapes, I observed, that were confined to exclusive firms so as to insure their being wornby the right set. As to gloves and a stick, he was again ratherpettish and had to be set right with some firmness. He declared he hadlost his stick and gloves of the previous day. I discovered later thathe had presented them to the lift attendant. But I soon convinced himthat he would not be let to appear without these adjuncts to agentleman's toilet. 

Then, having once more stood by at the barber's while he was shavedand his moustaches firmly waxed anew, I saw that he was fit at lastfor his art studies. The barber this day suggested curling themoustaches with a heated iron, but at this my charge fell into sounseemly a rage that I deemed it wise not to insist. He, indeed, bluntly threatened a nameless violence to the barber if he were somuch as touched with the iron, and revealed an altogether shockinggift for profanity, saying loudly: "I'll be--dashed--if you will!" Imean to say, I have written "dashed" for what he actually said. But atlength I had him once more quieted. 

"Now, sir, " I said, when I had got him from the barber's shop, to thebarber's manifest relief: "I fancy we've time to do a few objects ofart before luncheon. I've the book here for your comments, " I added. 

"Quite so, " he replied, and led me at a rapid pace along the street inwhat I presumed was the direction of the art museum. At the end of afew blocks he paused at one of those open-air public houses thatdisgracefully line the streets of the French capital. I mean to saythat chairs and tables are set out upon the pavement in the mostbrazen manner and occupied by the populace, who there drink theirsilly beverages and idle away their time. After scanning the score orso of persons present, even at so early an hour as ten of the morning, he fell into one of the iron chairs at one of the iron tables andmotioned me to another at his side. 

When I had seated myself he said "Beer" to the waiter who appeared, and held up two fingers. 

"Now, look at here, " he resumed to me, "this is a good place to doabout four pages of art, and then we can go out and have somerecreation somewhere. " Seeing that I was puzzled, he added: "Thisway--you take that notebook and write in it out of this here otherbook till I think you've done enough, then I'll tell you to stop. " Andwhile I was still bewildered, he drew from an inner pocket a small, well-thumbed volume which I took from him and saw to be entitled "OneHundred Masterpieces of the Louvre. "

"Open her about the middle, " he directed, "and pick out something thatbegins good, like 'Here the true art-lover will stand entranced----'You got to write it, because I guess you can write faster than what Ican. I'll tell her I dictated to you. Get a hustle on now, so's we canget through. Write down about four pages of that stuff. "

Stunned I was for a moment at his audacity. Too plainly I saw throughhis deception. Each day, doubtless, he had come to a low place of thissort and copied into the notebook from the printed volume. 

"But, sir, " I protested, "why not at least go to the gallery wherethese art objects are stored? Copy the notes there if that must bedone. "

"I don't know where the darned place is, " he confessed. "I did startfor it the first day, but I run into a Punch and Judy show in a littlepark, and I just couldn't get away from it, it was so comical, withall the French kids hollering their heads off at it. Anyway, what'sthe use? I'd rather set here in front of this saloon, where everythingis nice. "

"It's very extraordinary, sir, " I said, wondering if I oughtn't to cutoff to the hotel and warn Mrs. Effie so that she might do a heatedfoot to him, as he had once expressed it. 

"Well, I guess I've got my rights as well as anybody, " he insisted. "I'll be pushed just so far and no farther, not if I never get anymore cultured than a jack-rabbit. And now you better go on and writeor I'll be--dashed--if I'll ever wear another thing you tell me to. "

He had a most bitter and dangerous expression on his face, so Ithought best to humour him once more. Accordingly I set about writingin his notebook from the volume of criticism he had supplied. 

"Change a word now and then and skip around here and there, " hesuggested as I wrote, "so's it'll sound more like me. "

"Quite so, sir, " I said, and continued to transcribe from the printedpage. I was beginning the fifth page in the notebook, being in themidst of an enthusiastic description of the bit of statuary entitled"The Winged Victory, " when I was startled by a wild yell in my ear. Cousin Egbert had leaped to his feet and now danced in the middle ofthe pavement, waving his stick and hat high in the air and shoutingincoherently. At once we attracted the most undesirable attention fromthe loungers about us, the waiters and the passers-by in the street, many of whom stopped at once to survey my charge with the liveliestinterest. It was then I saw that he had merely wished to attract theattention of some one passing in a cab. Half a block down theboulevard I saw a man likewise waving excitedly, standing erect in thecab to do so. The cab thereupon turned sharply, came back on theopposite side of the street, crossed over to us, and the occupantalighted. 

He was an American, as one might have fancied from his behaviour, atall, dark-skinned person, wearing a drooping moustache after theformer style of Cousin Egbert, supplemented by an imperial. He wore aloose-fitting suit of black which had evidently received no properattention from the day he purchased it. Under a folded collar he worea narrow cravat tied in a bowknot, and in the bosom of his white shirtthere sparkled a diamond such as might have come from a collection ofcrown-jewels. This much I had time to notice as he neared us. CousinEgbert had not ceased to shout, nor had he paid the least attention tomy tugs at his coat. When the cab's occupant descended to the pavementthey fell upon each other and did for some moments a wild dance suchas I imagine they might have seen the red Indians of western Americaperform. Most savagely they punched each other, calling out in themeantime: "Well, old horse!" and "Who'd ever expected to see you here, darn your old skin!" (Their actual phrases, be it remembered. )

The crowd, I was glad to note, fell rapidly away, many of themshrugging their shoulders in a way the French have, and even thewaiters about us quickly lost interest in the pair, as if they werehardened to the sight of Americans greeting one another. The two werestill saying: "Well! well!" rather breathlessly, but had become a bitmore coherent. 

"Jeff Tuttle, you--dashed--old long-horn!" exclaimed Cousin Egbert. 

"Good old Sour-dough!" exploded the other. "Ain't this just like oldhome week!"

"I thought mebbe you wouldn't know me with all my beadwork and my newwar-bonnet on, " continued Cousin Egbert. 

"Know you, why, you knock-kneed old Siwash, I could pick out your hidein a tanyard!"

"Well, well, well!" replied Cousin Egbert. 

"Well, well, well!" said the other, and again they dealt each othersmart blows. 

"Where'd you turn up from?" demanded Cousin Egbert. 

"Europe, " said the other. "We been all over Europe and Italy--justcome from some place up over the divide where they talk Dutch, theMadam and the two girls and me, with the Reverend Timmins and his wiferiding line on us. Say, he's an out-and-out devil for cathedrals--it'sjust one church after another with him--Baptist, Methodist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, takes 'em all in--never overlooks a bet. He'sgot Addie and the girls out now. My gosh! it's solemn work! Me? Iducked out this morning. "

"How'd you do it?"

"Told the little woman I had to have a tooth pulled--I was working itup on the train all day yesterday. Say, what you all rigged out likethat for, Sour-dough, and what you done to your face?"

Cousin Egbert here turned to me in some embarrassment. "ColonelRuggles, shake hands with my friend Jeff Tuttle from the State ofWashington. "

"Pleased to meet you, Colonel, " said the other before I could explainthat I had no military title whatever, never having, in fact, servedour King, even in the ranks. He shook my hand warmly. 

"Any friend of Sour-dough Floud's is all right with me, " he assuredme. "What's the matter with having a drink?"

"Say, listen here! I wouldn't have to be blinded and backed into it, "said Cousin Egbert, enigmatically, I thought, but as they sat down I, too, seated myself. Something within me had sounded a warning. As wellas I know it now I knew then in my inmost soul that I should summonMrs. Effie before matters went farther. 

"Beer is all I know how to say, " suggested Cousin Egbert. 

"Leave that to me, " said his new friend masterfully. "Where's the boy?Here, boy! Veesky-soda! That's French for high-ball, " he explained. "I've had to pick up a lot of their lingo. "

Cousin Egbert looked at him admiringly. "Good old Jeff!" he saidsimply. He glanced aside to me for a second with downright hostility, then turned back to his friend. "Something tells me, Jeff, that thisis going to be the first happy day I've had since I crossed the stateline. I've been pestered to death, Jeff--what with Mrs. Effie after meto improve myself so's I can be a social credit to her back in RedGap, and learn to wear clothes and go without my breakfast and attendart galleries. If you'd stand by me I'd throw her down good and hardright now, but you know what she is----"

"I sure do, " put in Mr. Tuttle so fervently that I knew he spoke thetruth. "That woman can bite through nails. But here's your drink, Sour-dough. Maybe it will cheer you up. "

Extraordinary! I mean to say, biting through nails. 

"Three rousing cheers!" exclaimed Cousin Egbert with more animationthan I had ever known him display. 

"Here's looking at you, Colonel, " said his friend to me, whereupon Ipartook of the drink, not wishing to offend him. Decidedly he was notvogue. His hat was remarkable, being of a black felt with high crownand a wide and flopping brim. Across his waistcoat was a watch-chainof heavy links, with a weighty charm consisting of a sculptured goldhorse in full gallop. That sort of thing would never do with us. 

"Here, George, " he immediately called to the waiter, for they hadquickly drained their glasses, "tell the bartender three more. Bygosh! but that's good, after the way I've been held down. "

"Me, too, " said Cousin Egbert. "I didn't know how to say it inFrench. "

"The Reverend held me down, " continued the Tuttle person. "'A glass ofnative wine, ' he says, 'may perhaps be taken now and then withoutharm. ' 'Well, ' I says, 'leave us have ales, wines, liquors, andcigars, ' I says, but not him. I'd get a thimbleful of elderberry wineor something about every second Friday, except when I'd duck out theside door of a church and find some caffy. Here, George, foomer, foomer--bring us some seegars, and then stay on that spot--I may wantyou. "

"Well, well!" said Cousin Egbert again, as if the meeting were stillincredible. 

"You old stinging-lizard!" responded the other affectionately. Thecigars were brought and I felt constrained to light one. 

"The State of Washington needn't ever get nervous over the prospect oflosing me, " said the Tuttle person, biting off the end of his cigar. 

I gathered at once that the Americans have actually named one of ourcolonies "Washington" after the rebel George Washington, though onewould have thought that the indelicacy of this would have been onlytoo apparent. But, then, I recalled, as well, the city where theirso-called parliament assembles, Washington, D. C. Doubtless theinitials indicate that it was named in "honour" of another member ofthis notorious family. I could not but reflect how shocked our Kingwould be to learn of this effrontery. 

Cousin Egbert, who had been for some moments moving his lips withoutsound, here spoke:

"I'm going to try it myself, " he said. "Here, Charley, veesky-soda! Hemade me right off, " he continued as the waiter disappeared. "Say, Jeff, I bet I could have learned a lot of this language if I'd hadsome one like you around. "

"Well, it took me some time to get the accent, " replied the other witha modesty which I could detect was assumed. More acutely than ever wasI conscious of a psychic warning to separate these two, and I resolvedto act upon it with the utmost diplomacy. The third whiskey and sodawas served us. 

"Three rousing cheers!" said Cousin Egbert. 

"Here's looking at you!" said the other, and I drank. When my glass wasdrained I arose briskly and said:

"I think we should be getting along now, sir, if Mr. Tuttle will begood enough to excuse us. " They both stared at me. 

"Yes, sir--I fancy not, sir, " said Cousin Egbert. 

"Stop your kidding, you fat rascal!" said the other. 

"Old Bill means all right, " said Cousin Egbert, "so don't let himirritate you. Bill's our new hired man. He's all right--just let himtalk along. "

"Can't he talk setting down?" asked the other. "Does he have to standup every time he talks? Ain't that a good chair?" he demanded of me. "Here, take mine, " and to my great embarrassment he arose and offeredme his chair in such a manner that I felt moved to accept it. Thereupon he took the chair I had vacated and beamed upon us, "Nowthat we're all home-folks, together once more, I would suggest a bitof refreshment. Boy, veesky-soda!"

"I fancy so, sir, " said Cousin Egbert, dreamily contemplating me asthe order was served. I was conscious even then that he seemed to bestudying my attire with a critical eye, and indeed he remarked as ifto himself: "What a coat!" I was rather shocked by this, for my suitwas quite a decent lounge-suit that had become too snug for theHonourable George some two years before. Yet something warned me toignore the comment. 

"Three rousing cheers!" he said as the drink was served. 

"Here's looking at you!" said the Tuttle person. 

And again I drank with them, against my better judgment, wondering ifI might escape long enough to be put through to Mrs. Floud on thetelephone. Too plainly the situation was rapidly getting out of hand, and yet I hesitated. The Tuttle person under an exterior geniality wasrather abrupt. And, moreover, I now recalled having observed a personmuch like him in manner and attire in a certain cinema drama of thefar Wild West. He had been a constable or sheriff in the piece and hadsubdued a band of armed border ruffians with only a small pocketpistol. I thought it as well not to cross him. 

When they had drunk, each one again said, "Well! well!"

"You old maverick!" said Cousin Egbert. 

"You--dashed--old horned toad!" responded his friend. 

"What's the matter with a little snack?"

"Not a thing on earth. My appetite ain't been so powerful cravingsince Heck was a pup. "

These were their actual words, though it may not be believed. TheTuttle person now approached his cabman, who had waited beside thecurb. 

"Say, Frank, " he began, "Ally restorong, " and this he supplementedwith a crude but informing pantomime of one eating. Cousin Egbert wasalready seated in the cab, and I could do nothing but follow. "Allyrestorong!" commanded our new friend in a louder tone, and the cabmanwith an explosion of understanding drove rapidly off. 

"It's a genuine wonder to me how you learned the language so quick, "said Cousin Egbert. 

"It's all in the accent, " protested the other. I occupied a narrowseat in the front. Facing me in the back seat, they lolled easily andsmoked their cigars. Down the thronged boulevard we proceeded at arapid pace and were passing presently before an immense gray edificewhich I recognized as the so-called Louvre from its illustration onthe cover of Cousin Egbert's art book. He himself regarded it withinterest, though I fancy he did not recognize it, for, waving hiscigar toward it, he announced to his friend:

"The Public Library. " His friend surveyed the building with every signof approval. 

"That Carnegie is a hot sport, all right, " he declared warmly. "I'llbet that shack set him back some. "

"Three rousing cheers!" said Cousin Egbert, without point that I coulddetect. 

We now crossed their Thames over what would have been WestminsterBridge, I fancy, and were presently bowling through a sort ofBattersea part of the city. The streets grew quite narrow and theshops smaller, and I found myself wondering not without alarm whatsort of restaurant our abrupt friend had chosen. 

"Three rousing cheers!" said Cousin Egbert from time to time, withalmost childish delight. 

Debouching from a narrow street again into what the French term aboulevard, we halted before what was indeed a restaurant, for severaltables were laid on the pavement before the door, but I saw at oncethat it was anything but a nice place. "Au Rendezvous des CochersFideles, " read the announcement on the flap of the awning, and trulyenough it was a low resort frequented by cabbies--"The meeting-placeof faithful coachmen. " Along the curb half a score of horses wereeating from their bags, while their drivers lounged before the place, eating, drinking, and conversing excitedly in their grotesque jargon. 

We descended, in spite of the repellent aspect of the place, and ourdriver went to the foot of the line, where he fed his own horse. Cousin Egbert, already at one of the open-air tables, was rappingsmartly for a waiter. 

"What's the matter with having just one little one before grub?" askedthe Tuttle person as we joined him. He had a most curious fashion ofspeech. I mean to say, when he suggested anything whatsoever heinvariably wished to know what might be the matter with it. 

"Veesky-soda!" demanded Cousin Egbert of the serving person who nowappeared, "and ask your driver to have one, " he then urged his friend. 

The latter hereupon addressed the cabman who had now come up. 

"Vooley-voos take something!" he demanded, and the cabman appeared toaccept. 

"Vooley-voos your friends take something, too?" he demanded further, with a gesture that embraced all the cabmen present, and these, too, appeared to accept with the utmost cordiality. 

"You're a wonder, Jeff, " said Cousin Egbert. "You talk it like aprofessor. "

"It come natural to me, " said the fellow, "and it's a good thing, too. If you know a little French you can go all over Europe without a bitof trouble. "

Inside the place was all activity, for many cabmen were now acceptingthe proffered hospitality, and calling "votry santy!" to their host, who seemed much pleased. Then to my amazement Cousin Egbert insistedthat our cabman should sit at table with us. I trust I have as littlefoolish pride as most people, but this did seem like crowding it on abit thick. In fact, it looked rather dicky. I was glad to rememberthat we were in what seemed to be the foreign quarter of the town, where it was probable that no one would recognize us. The drink came, though our cabman refused the whiskey and secured a bottle of nativewine. 

"Three rousing cheers!" said Cousin Egbert as we drank once more, andadded as an afterthought, "What a beautiful world we live in!"

"Vooley-voos make-um bring dinner!" said the Tuttle person to thecabman, who thereupon spoke at length in his native tongue to thewaiter. By this means we secured a soup that was not half bad andpresently a stew of mutton which Cousin Egbert declared was "somegoo. " To my astonishment I ate heartily, even in such raffishsurroundings. In fact, I found myself pigging it with the rest ofthem. With coffee, cigars were brought from the tobacconist'snext-door, each cabman present accepting one. Our own man was plainlyfeeling a vast pride in his party, and now circulated among hisfellows with an account of our merits. 

"This is what I call life, " said the Tuttle person, leaning back inhis chair. 

"I'm coming right back here every day, " declared Cousin Egberthappily. 

"What's the matter with a little drive to see some well-known objectsof interest?" inquired his friend. 

"Not art galleries, " insisted Cousin Egbert. 

"And not churches, " said his friend. "Every day's been Sunday with melong enough. "

"And not clothing stores, " said Cousin Egbert firmly. "The Colonelhere is awful fussy about my clothes, " he added. 

"Is, heh?" inquired his friend. "How do you like this hat of mine?" heasked, turning to me. It was that sudden I nearly fluffed the catch, but recovered myself in time. 

"I should consider it a hat of sound wearing properties, sir, " I said. 

He took it off, examined it carefully, and replaced it. 

"So far, so good, " he said gravely. "But why be fussy about clotheswhen God has given you only one life to live?"

"Don't argue about religion, " warned Cousin Egbert. 

"I always like to see people well dressed, sir, " I said, "because itmakes such a difference in their appearance. "

He slapped his thigh fiercely. "My gosh! that's true. He's got youthere, Sour-dough. I never thought of that. "

"He makes me wear these chest-protectors on my ankles, " said CousinEgbert bitterly, extending one foot. 

"What's the matter of taking a little drive to see some well-knownobjects of interest?" said his friend. 

"Not art galleries, " said Cousin Egbert firmly. 

"We said that before--and not churches. "

"And not gents' furnishing goods. "

"You said that before. "

"Well, you said not churches before. "

"Well, what's the matter with taking a little drive?"

"Not art galleries, " insisted Cousin Egbert. The thing seemedinterminable. I mean to say, they went about the circle as before. Itlooked to me as if they were having a bit of a spree. 

"We'll have one last drink, " said the Tuttle person. 

"No, " said Cousin Egbert firmly, "not another drop. Don't you see thecondition poor Bill here is in?" To my amazement he was referring tome. Candidly, he was attempting to convey the impression that I hadtaken a drop too much. The other regarded me intently. 

"Pickled, " he said. 

"Always affects him that way, " said Cousin Egbert. "He's got no headfor it. "

"Beg pardon, sir, " I said, wishing to explain, but this I was not letto do. 

"Don't start anything like that here, " broke in the Tuttle person, "the police wouldn't stand for it. Just keep quiet and remember you'reamong friends. "

"Yes, sir; quite so, sir, " said I, being somewhat puzzled by thesestrange words. "I was merely----"

"Look out, Jeff, " warned Cousin Egbert, interrupting me; "he's a devilwhen he starts. "

"Have you got a knife?" demanded the other suddenly. 

"I fancy so, sir, " I answered, and produced from my waistcoat pocketthe small metal-handled affair I have long carried. This he quicklyseized from me. 

"You can keep your gun, " he remarked, "but you can't be trusted withthis in your condition. I ain't afraid of a gun, but I am afraid of aknife. You could have backed me off the board any time with thisknife. "

"Didn't I tell you?" asked Cousin Egbert. 

"Beg pardon, sir, " I began, for this was drawing it quite too thick, but again he interrupted me. 

"We'd better get him away from this place right off, " he said. 

"A drive in the fresh air might fix him, " suggested Cousin Egbert. "He's as good a scout as you want to know when he's himself. "Hereupon, calling our waiting cabman, they both, to my embarrassment, assisted me to the vehicle. 

"Ally caffy!" directed the Tuttle person, and we were driven off, tothe raised hats of the remaining cabmen, through many long, quietstreets. 

"I wouldn't have had this happen for anything, " said Cousin Egbert, indicating me. 

"Lucky I got that knife away from him, " said the other. 

To this I thought it best to remain silent, it being plain that themen were both well along, so to say. 

The cab now approached an open square from which issued discordantblasts of music. One glance showed it to be a street fair. I prayedthat we might pass it, but my companions hailed it with delight and atonce halted the cabby. 

"Ally caffy on the corner, " directed the Tuttle person, and once morewe were seated at an iron table with whiskey and soda ordered. Beforeus was the street fair in all its silly activity. There were manytinselled booths at which games of chance or marksmanship were played, or at which articles of ornament or household decoration weredisplayed for sale, and about these were throngs of low-class Frenchidling away their afternoon in that mad pursuit of pleasure which isso characteristic of this race. In the centre of the place was acarrousel from which came the blare of a steam orchestrion playing the"Marseillaise, " one of their popular songs. From where I sat I couldperceive the circle of gaudily painted beasts that revolved about thismusical atrocity. A fashion of horses seemed to predominate, but therewas also an ostrich (a bearded Frenchman being astride this bird forthe moment), a zebra, a lion, and a gaudily emblazoned giraffe. Ishuddered as I thought of the evil possibilities that might besuggested to my two companions by this affair. For the moment I waspleased to note that they had forgotten my supposed indisposition, yetanother equally absurd complication ensued when the drink arrived. 

"Say, don't your friend ever loosen up?" asked the Tuttle person ofCousin Egbert. 

"Tighter than Dick's hatband, " replied the latter. 

"And then some! He ain't bought once. Say, Bo, " he continued to me asI was striving to divine the drift of these comments, "have I got myfingers crossed or not?"

Seeing that he held one hand behind him I thought to humour him bysaying, "I fancy so, sir. "

"He means 'yes, '" said Cousin Egbert. 

The other held his hand before me with the first two fingers spreadwide apart. "You lost, " he said. "How's that, Sour-dough? We stuck himthe first rattle out of the box. "

"Good work, " said Cousin Egbert. "You're stuck for this round, " headded to me. "Three rousing cheers!"

I readily perceived that they meant me to pay the score, which Iaccordingly did, though I at once suspected the fairness of the game. I mean to say, if my opponent had been a trickster he could easilyhave rearranged his fingers to defeat me before displaying them. I donot say it was done in this instance. I am merely pointing out that itleft open a way to trickery. I mean to say, one would wish to beassured of his opponent's social standing before playing this gameextensively. 

No sooner had we finished the drink than the Tuttle person said to me:

"I'll give you one chance to get even. I'll guess your fingers thistime. " Accordingly I put one hand behind me and firmly crossed thefingers, fancying that he would guess them to be uncrossed. Instead ofwhich he called out "Crossed, " and I was obliged to show them in thatwise, though, as before pointed out, I could easily have defeated himby uncrossing them before revealing my hand. I mean to say, it is noton the face of it a game one would care to play with casualacquaintances, and I questioned even then in my own mind itsprevalence in the States. (As a matter of fact, I may say that in mylater life in the States I could find no trace of it, and now believeit to have been a pure invention on the part of the Tuttle person. Imean to say, I later became convinced that it was, properly speaking, not a game at all. )

Again they were hugely delighted at my loss and rapped smartly on thetable for more drink, and now to my embarrassment I discovered that Ilacked the money to pay for this "round" as they would call it. 

"Beg pardon, sir, " said I discreetly to Cousin Egbert, "but if youcould let me have a bit of change, a half-crown or so----" To mysurprise he regarded me coldly and shook his head emphatically in thenegative. 

"Not me, " he said; "I've been had too often. You're a good smoothtalker and you may be all right, but I can't take a chance at my timeof life. "

"What's he want now?" asked the other. 

"The old story, " said Cousin Egbert: "come off and left his purse onthe hatrack or out in the woodshed some place. " This was the height ofabsurdity, for I had said nothing of the sort. 

"I was looking for something like that, " said the other "I never makea mistake in faces. You got a watch there haven't you?"

"Yes, sir, " I said, and laid on the table my silver Englishhalf-hunter with Albert. They both fell to examining this withinterest, and presently the Tuttle person spoke up excitedly:

"Well, darn my skin if he ain't got a genuine double Gazottz. How didyou come by this, my man?" he demanded sharply. 

"It came from my brother-in-law, sir, " I explained, "six years ago assecurity for a trifling loan. "

"He sounds honest enough, " said the Tuttle person to Cousin Egbert. 

"Yes, but maybe it ain't a regular double Gazottz, " said the latter. "The market is flooded with imitations. "

"No, sir, I can't be fooled on them boys, " insisted the other. "Blindfold me and I could pick a double Gazottz out every time. I'mgoing to take a chance on it, anyway. " Whereupon the fellow pocketedmy watch and from his wallet passed me a note of the so-called Frenchmoney which I was astounded to observe was for the equivalent of fourpounds, or one hundred francs, as the French will have it. "I'lladvance that much on it, " he said, "but don't ask for another centuntil I've had it thoroughly gone over by a plumber. It may have mothsin it. "

It seemed to me that the chap was quite off his head, for the watchwas worth not more than ten shillings at the most, though what adouble Gazottz might be I could not guess. However, I saw it would bewise to appear to accept the loan, and tendered the note in payment ofthe score. 

When I had secured the change I sought to intimate that we should beleaving. I thought even the street fair would be better for us thanthis rapid consumption of stimulants. 

"I bet he'd go without buying, " said Cousin Egbert. 

"No, he wouldn't, " said the other. "He knows what's customary in acase like this. He's just a little embarrassed. Wait and see if Iain't right. " At which they both sat and stared at me in silence forsome moments until at last I ordered more drink, as I saw was expectedof me. 

"He wants the cabman to have one with him, " said Cousin Egbert, whereat the other not only beckoned our cabby to join us, but calledto two labourers who were passing, and also induced the waiter whoserved us to join in the "round. "

"He seems to have a lot of tough friends, " said Cousin Egbert as weall drank, though he well knew I had extended none of theseinvitations. 

"Acts like a drunken sailor soon as he gets a little money, " said theother. 

"Three rousing cheers!" replied Cousin Egbert, and to my great chagrinhe leaped to his feet, seized one of the navvies about the waist, andthere on the public pavement did a crude dance with him to the strainof the "Marseillaise" from the steam orchestrion. Not only this, butwhen the music had ceased he traded hats with the navvy, securing amost shocking affair in place of the new one, and as they parted hepresented the fellow with the gloves and stick I had purchased for himthat very morning. As I stared aghast at this _faux pas_ the navvy, with his new hat at an angle and twirling the stick, proceeded down thestreet with mincing steps and exaggerated airs of gentility, to theapplause of the entire crowd, including Cousin Egbert. 

"This ain't quite the hat I want, " he said as he returned to us, "butthe day is young. I'll have other chances, " and with the help of thepublic-house window as a mirror he adjusted the unmentionable thingwith affectations of great nicety. 

"He always was a dressy old scoundrel, " remarked the Tuttle person. And then, as the music came to us once more, he continued: "Say, Sour-dough, let's go over to the rodeo--they got some likely lookingbroncs over there. "

Arm in arm, accordingly, they crossed the street and proceeded to thecarrousel, first warning the cabby and myself to stay by them lestharm should come to us. What now ensued was perhaps their mostremarkable behaviour at the day. At the time I could account for itonly by the liquor they had consumed, but later experience in theStates convinced me that they were at times consciously spoofing. Imean to say, it was quite too absurd--their seriously believing whatthey seemed to believe. 

The carrousel being at rest when we approached, they gravely examinedeach one of the painted wooden effigies, looking into such of themouths as were open, and cautiously feeling the forelegs of thedifferent mounts, keeping up an elaborate pretence the while that thebeasts were real and that they were in danger of being kicked. Oneabsurdly painted horse they agreed would be the most difficult toride. Examining his mouth, they disputed as to his age, and called thecabby to have his opinion of the thing's fetlocks, warning each otherto beware of his rearing. The cabby, who was doubtless alsointoxicated, made an equal pretence of the beast's realness, andindulged, I gathered, in various criticisms of its legs at greatlength. 

"I think he's right, " remarked the Tuttle person when the cabby hadfinished. "It's a bad case of splints. The leg would be blistered if Ihad him. "

"I wouldn't give him corral room, " said Cousin Egbert. "He's a badactor. Look at his eye! Whoa! there--you would, would you!" Here hemade a pretence that the beast had seized him by the shoulder. "He's aman-eater! What did I tell you? Keep him away!"

"I'll take that out of him, " said the Tuttle person. "I'll show himwho's his master. "

"You ain't never going to try to ride him, Jeff? Think of the wife andlittle ones!"

"You know me, Sour-dough. No horse never stepped out from under meyet. I'll not only ride him, but I'll put a silver dollar in eachstirrup and give you a thousand for each one I lose and a thousand forevery time I touch leather. "

Cousin Egbert here began to plead tearfully:

"Don't do it, Jeff--come on around here. There's a big five-year-oldroan around here that will be safe as a church for you. Let that pintoalone. They ought to be arrested for having him here. "

But the other seemed obdurate. 

"Start her up, Professor, when I give the word!" he called to theproprietor, and handed him one of the French banknotes. "Play it allout!" he directed, as this person gasped with amazement. 

Cousin Egbert then proceeded to the head of the beast. 

"You'll have to blind him, " he said. 

"Sure!" replied the other, and with loud and profane cries to theanimal they bound a handkerchief about his eyes. 

"I can tell he's going to be a twister, " warned Cousin Egbert. "Ibetter ear him, " and to my increased amazement he took one of thebeast's leather ears between his teeth and held it tightly. Then withsoothing words to the supposedly dangerous animal, the Tuttle personmounted him. 

"Let him go!" he called to Cousin Egbert, who released the ear frombetween his teeth. 

"Wait!" called the latter. "We're all going with you, " whereupon heinsisted that the cabby and I should enter a sort of swan-boatdirectly in the rear. I felt a silly fool, but I saw there was nothingelse to be done. Cousin Egbert himself mounted a horse he had called a"blue roan, " waved his hand to the proprietor, who switched a lever, the "Marseillaise" blared forth, and the platform began to revolve. Aswe moved, the Tuttle person whisked the handkerchief from off the eyesof his mount and with loud, shrill cries began to beat the sides ofits head with his soft hat, bobbing about in his saddle, moreover, asif the beast were most unruly and like to dismount him. Cousin Egbertjoined in the yelling, I am sorry to say, and lashed his beast as ifhe would overtake his companion. The cabman also became excited andshouted his utmost, apparently in the way of encouragement. Strange tosay, I presume on account of the motion, I felt the thing was becominginfectious and was absurdly moved to join in the shouts, restrainingmyself with difficulty. I could distinctly imagine we were in thehunting field and riding the tails off the hounds, as one might say. 

In view of what was later most unjustly alleged of me, I think it aswell to record now that, though I had partaken freely of thestimulants since our meeting with the Tuttle person, I was notintoxicated, nor until this moment had I felt even the slightestelation. Now, however, I did begin to feel conscious of a mildexhilaration, and to be aware that I was viewing the behaviour of mycompanions with a sort of superior but amused tolerance. I can accountfor this only by supposing that the swift revolutions of the carrouselhad in some occult manner intensified or consummated, as one mightsay, the effect of my previous potations. I mean to say, the continuedswirling about gave me a frothy feeling that was not unpleasant. 

As the contrivance came to rest, Cousin Egbert ran to the Tuttleperson, who had dismounted, and warmly shook his hand, as did thecabby. 

"I certainly thought he had you there once, Jeff, " said Cousin Egbert. "Of all the twisters I ever saw, that outlaw is the worst. "

"Wanted to roll me, " said the other, "but I learned him something. "

It may not be credited, but at this moment I found myself examiningthe beast and saying: "He's crocked himself up, sir--he's gone tenderat the heel. " I knew perfectly, it must be understood, that this wassilly, and yet I further added, "I fancy he's picked up a stone. " Imean to say, it was the most utter rot, pretending seriously that way. 

"You come away, " said Cousin Egbert. "Next thing you'll be thinkingyou can ride him yourself. " I did in truth experience an earnestcraving for more of the revolutions and said as much, adding that Irode at twelve stone. 

"Let him break his neck if he wants to, " urged the Tuttle person. 

"It wouldn't be right, " replied Cousin Egbert, "not in his condition. Let's see if we can't find something gentle for him. Not the roan--Ifound she ain't bridle-wise. How about that pheasant?"

"It's an ostrich, sir, " I corrected him, as indeed it most distinctlywas, though at my words they both indulged in loud laughter, affectingto consider that I had misnamed the creature. 

"Ostrich!" they shouted. "Poor old Bill--he thinks it's an ostrich!"

"Quite so, sir, " I said, pleasantly but firmly, determining not to behoaxed again. 

"Don't drivel that way, " said the Tuttle person. 

"Leave it to the driver, Jeff--maybe he'll believe _him_, " saidCousin Egbert almost sadly, whereupon the other addressed the cabby:

"Hey, Frank, " he began, and continued with some French words, amongwhich I caught "vooley-vous, ally caffy, foomer"; and something thatsounded much like "kafoozleum, " at which the cabby spoke at somelength in his native language concerning the ostrich. When he haddone, the Tuttle person turned to me with a superior frown. 

"Now I guess you're satisfied, " he remarked. "You heard what Franksaid--it's an Arabian muffin bird. " Of course I was perfectly certainthat the chap had said nothing of the sort, but I resolved to enterinto the spirit of the thing, so I merely said: "Yes, sir; my error;it was only at first glance that it seemed to be an ostrich. "

"Come along, " said Cousin Egbert. "I won't let him ride anything hecan't guess the name of. It wouldn't be right to his folks. "

"Well, what's that, then?" demanded the other, pointing full at thegiraffe. 

"It's a bally ant-eater, sir, " I replied, divining that I should bewise not to seem too obvious in naming the beast. 

"Well, well, so it is!" exclaimed the Tuttle person delightedly. 

"He's got the eye with him this time, " said Cousin Egbert admiringly. 

"He's sure a wonder, " said the other. "That thing had me fooled; Ithought at first it was a Russian mouse hound. "

"Well, let him ride it, then, " said Cousin Egbert, and I waspractically lifted into the saddle by the pair of them. 

"One moment, " said Cousin Egbert. "Can't you see the poor thing has asore throat? Wait till I fix him. " And forthwith he removed his spatsand in another moment had buckled them securely high about the throatof the giraffe. It will be seen that I was not myself when I say thatthis performance did not shock me as it should have done, though Iwas, of course, less entertained by it than were the remainder of ourparty and a circle of the French lower classes that had formed aboutus. 

"Give him his head! Let's see what time you can make!" shouted CousinEgbert as the affair began once more to revolve. I saw that both mycompanions held opened watches in their hands. 

It here becomes difficult for me to be lucid about the succeedingevents of the day. I was conscious of a mounting exhilaration as mybeast swept me around the circle, and of a marked impatience with manyof the proprieties of behaviour that ordinarily with me matterenormously. I swung my cap and joyously urged my strange steed to afaster pace, being conscious of loud applause each time I passed mycompanions. For certain lapses of memory thereafter I must whollyblame this insidious motion. 

For example, though I believed myself to be still mounted and whirling(indeed I was strongly aware of the motion), I found myself seatedagain at the corner public house and rapping smartly for drink, whichI paid for. I was feeling remarkably fit, and suffered only a mildwonder that I should have left the carrousel without observing it. Having drained my glass, I then remember asking Cousin Egbert if hewould consent to change hats with the cabby, which he willingly did. It was a top-hat of some strange, hard material brightly glazed. Although many unjust things were said of me later, this is the soleincident of the day which causes me to admit that I might have taken aglass too much, especially as I undoubtedly praised Cousin Egbert'sappearance when the exchange had been made, and was heard to wish thatwe might all have hats so smart. 

It was directly after this that young Mr. Elmer, the art student, invited us to his studio, though I had not before remarked hispresence, and cannot recall now where we met him. The occurrence inthe studio, however, was entirely natural. I wished to please myfriends and made no demur whatever when asked to don the things--atrouserish affair, of sheep's wool, which they called "chapps, " aflannel shirt of blue (they knotted a scarlet handkerchief around myneck), and a wide-brimmed white hat with four indentations in thecrown, such as one may see worn in the cinema dramas by cow-personsand other western-coast desperadoes. When they had strapped around mywaist a large pistol in a leather jacket, I considered the effectpicturesque in the extreme, and my friends were loud in their approvalof it. 

I repeat, it was an occasion when it would have been boorish in me torefuse to meet them halfway. I even told them an excellent wheeze Ihad long known, which I thought they might not, have heard. It runs:"Why is Charing Cross? Because the Strand runs into it. " I mean tosay, this is comic providing one enters wholly into the spirit of it, as there is required a certain nimbleness of mind to get the point, asone might say. In the present instance some needed element waslacking, for they actually drew aloof from me and conversed in lowtones among themselves, pointedly ignoring me. I repeated the thing tomake sure they should see it, whereat I heard Cousin Egbert say. "Better not irritate him--he'll get mad if we don't laugh, " afterwhich they burst into laughter so extravagant that I knew it to befeigned. Hereupon, feeling quite drowsy, I resolved to have fortywinks, and with due apologies reclined upon the couch, where I driftedinto a refreshing slumber. 

Later I inferred that I must have slept for some hours. I was awakenedby a light flashed in my eyes, and beheld Cousin Egbert and the Tuttleperson, the latter wishing to know how late I expected to keep themup. I was on my feet at once with apologies, but they instantlyhustled me to the door, down a flight of steps, through a court-yard, and into the waiting cab. It was then I noticed that I was wearing thecurious hat of the American Far-West, but when I would have gone backto leave it, and secure my own, they protested vehemently, wishing toknow if I had not given them trouble enough that day. 

In the cab I was still somewhat drowsy, but gathered that mycompanions had left me, to dine and attend a public dance-hall withthe cubbish art student. They had not seemed to need sleep and werestill wakeful, for they sang from time to time, and Cousin Egbertlifted the cabby's hat, which he still wore, bowing to imaginarythrongs along the street who were supposed to be applauding him. I atonce became conscience-stricken at the thought of Mrs. Effie'sfeelings when she should discover him to be in this state, and was onthe point of suggesting that he seek another apartment for the night, when the cab pulled up in front of our own hotel. 

Though I protest that I was now entirely recovered from any effectthat the alcohol might have had upon me, it was not until this momentthat I most horribly discovered myself to be in the full cow-person'sregalia I had donned in the studio in a spirit of pure frolic. I meanto say, I had never intended to wear the things beyond the door andcould not have been hired to do so. What was my amazement then to findmy companions laboriously lifting me from the cab in this impossibletenue. I objected vehemently, but little good it did me. 

"Get a policeman if he starts any of that rough stuff, " said theTuttle person, and in sheer horror of a scandal I subsided, while oneon either side they hustled me through the hotel lounge--happilyvacant of every one but a tariff manager--and into the lift. And now Iperceived that they were once more pretending to themselves that I wasin a bad way from drink, though I could not at once suspect the fulliniquity of their design. 

As we reached our own floor, one of them still seeming to support meon either side, they began loud and excited admonitions to me to bestill, to come along as quickly as possible, to stop singing, and notto shoot. I mean to say, I was entirely quiet, I was coming along asquickly as they would let me, I had not sung, and did not wish toshoot, yet they persisted in making this loud ado over my supposedintoxication, aimlessly as I thought, until the door of the Flouddrawing-room opened and Mrs. Effie appeared in the hallway. At thisthey redoubled their absurd violence with me, and by dint of trippingme they actually made it appear that I was scarce able to walk, nor doI imagine that the costume I wore was any testimonial to my sobriety. 

"Now we got him safe, " panted Cousin Egbert, pushing open the door ofmy room. 

"Get his gun, first!" warned the Tuttle person, and this being takenfrom me, I was unceremoniously shoved inside. 

"What does all this mean?" demanded Mrs. Effie, coming rapidly downthe hall. "Where have you been till this time of night? I bet it'syour fault, Jeff Tuttle--you've been getting him going. "

They were both voluble with denials of this, and though I could scarcebelieve my ears, they proceeded to tell a story that laid the blameentirely on me. 

"No, ma'am, Mis' Effie, " began the Tuttle person. "It ain't that wayat all. You wrong me if ever a man was wronged. "

"You just seen what state he was in, didn't you?" asked Cousin Egbertin tones of deep injury. "Do you want to take another look at him?"and he made as if to push the door farther open upon me. 

"Don't do it--don't get him started again!" warned the Tuttle person. "I've had trouble enough with that man to-day. "

"I seen it coming this morning, " said Cousin Egbert, "when we was atthe art gallery. He had a kind of wild look in his eyes, and I saysright then: 'There's a man ought to be watched, ' and, well, one thingled to another--look at this hat he made me wear--nothing wouldsatisfy him but I should trade hats with some cab-driver----"

"I was coming along from looking at two or three good churches, " brokein the Tuttle person, "when I seen Sour-dough here having a kind of amix-up with this man because of him insisting he must ride a kangarooor something on a merry-go-round, and wanting Sour-dough to ride anostrich with him, and then when we got him quieted down a little, nothing would do him but he's got to be a cowboy--you seen hisclothes, didn't you? And of course I wanted to get back to Addie andthe girls, but I seen Sour-dough here was in trouble, so I stayedright by him, and between us we got the maniac here. "

"He's one of them should never touch liquor, " said Cousin Egbert; "itmakes a demon of him. "

"I got his knife away from him early in the game, " said the other. 

"I don't suppose I got to wear this cabman's hat just because he toldme to, have I?" demanded Cousin Egbert. 

"And here I'd been looking forward to a quiet day seeing somewell-known objects of interest, " came from the other, "after I got mytooth pulled, that is. "

"And me with a tooth, too, that nearly drove me out of my mind, " saidCousin Egbert suddenly. 

I could not see Mrs. Effie, but she had evidently listened to thisoutrageous tale with more or less belief, though not wholly credulous. 

"You men have both been drinking yourselves, " she said shrewdly. 

"We had to take a little; he made us, " declared the Tuttle personbrazenly. 

"He got so he insisted on our taking something every time he did, "added Cousin Egbert. "And, anyway, I didn't care so much, with thistooth of mine aching like it does. "

"You come right out with me and around to that dentist I went to thismorning, " said the Tuttle person. "You'll suffer all night if youdon't. "

"Maybe I'd better, " said Cousin Egbert, "though I hate to leave thiscomfortable hotel and go out into the night air again. "

"I'll have the right of this in the morning, " said Mrs. Effie. "Don'tthink it's going to stop here!" At this my door was pulled to and thekey turned in the lock. 

Frankly I am aware that what I have put down above is incredible, yetnot a single detail have I distorted. With a quite devilish ingenuitythey had fastened upon some true bits: I had suggested the change ofhats with the cabby, I had wished to ride the giraffe, and the Tuttleperson had secured my knife, but how monstrously untrue of me was theimpression conveyed by these isolated facts. I could believe now quiteall the tales I had ever heard of the queerness of Americans. Queerness, indeed! I went to bed resolving to let the morrow take careof itself. 

Again I was awakened by a light flashing in my eyes, and became awarethat Cousin Egbert stood in the middle of the room. He was readingfrom his notebook of art criticisms, with something of an oratoricaleffect. Through the half-drawn curtains I could see that dawn wasbreaking. Cousin Egbert was no longer wearing the cabby's hat. It wasnow the flat cap of the Paris constable or policeman. 

CHAPTER FOUR

The sight was a fair crumpler after the outrageous slander that hadbeen put upon me by this elderly inebriate and his accomplice. I satup at once, prepared to bully him down a bit. Although I was not surethat I engaged his attention, I told him that his reading could bevery well done without and that he might take himself off. At this hebecame silent and regarded me solemnly. 

"Why did Charing Cross the Strand? Because three rousing cheers, " saidhe. 

Of course he had the wheeze all wrong and I saw that he should be inbed. So with gentle words I lured him to his own chamber. Here, with aquite unexpected perversity, he accused me of having kept him up thenight long and begged now to be allowed to retire. This he did withmuttered complaints of my behaviour, and was almost instantly asleep. I concealed the constable's cap in one of his boxes, for I feared thathe had not come by this honestly. I then returned to my own room, where for a long time I meditated profoundly upon the situation thatnow confronted me. 

It seemed probable that I should be shopped by Mrs. Effie for what shehad been led to believe was my rowdyish behaviour. However dastardlythe injustice to me, it was a solution of the problem that I saw Icould bring myself to meet with considerable philosophy. It meant areturn to the quiet service of the Honourable George and that I needno longer face the distressing vicissitudes of life in the back blocksof unexplored America. I would not be obliged to muddle along in theblind fashion of the last two days, feeling a frightful fool. Mrs. Effie would surely not keep me on, and that was all about it. I hadmerely to make no defence of myself. And even if I chose to make one Iwas not certain that she would believe me, so cunning had been theaccusations against me, with that tiny thread of fact which I make nodoubt has so often enabled historians to give a false colouring totheir recitals without stating downright untruths. Indeed, myshameless appearance in the garb of a cow person would alone have castdoubt upon the truth as I knew it to be. 

Then suddenly I suffered an illumination. I perceived all at once thatto make any sort of defence of myself would not be cricket. I mean tosay, I saw the proceedings of the previous day in a new light. It iswell known that I do not hold with the abuse of alcoholic stimulants, and yet on the day before, in moments that I now confess to have beenslightly elevated, I had been conscious of a certain feeling offellowship with my two companions that was rather wonderful. Thoughobviously they were not university men, they seemed to belong to whatin America would be called the landed gentry, and yet I had feltmyself on terms of undoubted equality with them. It may be believed ornot, but there had been brief spaces when I forgot that I was agentleman's man. Astoundingly I had experienced the confident ease ofa gentleman among his equals. I was obliged to admit now that thismight have been a mere delusion of the cup, and yet I wondered, too, if perchance I might not have caught something of that American spiritof equality which is said to be peculiar to republics. Needless to sayI had never believed in the existence of this spirit, but hadconsidered it rather a ghastly jest, having been a reader of our ownperiodical press since earliest youth. I mean to say, there couldhardly be a stable society in which one had no superiors, because inthat case one would not know who were one's inferiors. Nevertheless, Irepeat that I had felt a most novel enlargement of myself; had, infact, felt that I was a gentleman among gentlemen, using the word inits strictly technical sense. And so vividly did this convictionremain with me that I now saw any defence of my course to be out ofthe question. 

I perceived that my companions had meant to have me on toast from thefirst. I mean to say, they had started a rag with me--a bit ofchaff--and I now found myself rather preposterously enjoying themanner in which they had chivied me. I mean to say, I felt myselftaking it as one gentleman would take a rag from other gentlemen--notas a bit of a sneak who would tell the truth to save his face. Acouple of chaffing old beggars they were, but they had found me atopping dead sportsman of their own sort. Be it remembered I was stilluncertain whether I had caught something of that alleged Americanspirit, or whether the drink had made me feel equal at least toAmericans. Whatever it might be, it was rather great, and I wasprepared to face Mrs. Effie without a tremor--to face her, of course, as one overtaken by a weakness for spirits. 

When the bell at last rang I donned my service coat and, assuming alook of profound remorse, I went to the drawing-room to serve themorning coffee. As I suspected, only Mrs. Effie was present. I believeit has been before remarked that she is a person of commandingpresence, with a manner of marked determination. She favoured me witha brief but chilling glance, and for some moments thereafter affectedquite to ignore me. Obviously she had been completely greened thenight before and was treating me with a proper contempt. I saw that itwas no use grousing at fate and that it was better for me not to gointo the American wilderness, since a rolling stone gathers no moss. Iwas prepared to accept instant dismissal without a character. 

She began upon me, however, after her first cup of coffee, more mildlythan I had expected. 

"Ruggles, I'm horribly disappointed in you. "

"Not more so than I myself, Madam, " I replied. 

"I am more disappointed, " she continued, "because I felt that CousinEgbert had something in him----"

"Something in him, yes, Madam, " I murmured sympathetically. 

"And that you were the man to bring it out. I was quite hopeful afteryou got him into those new clothes. I don't believe any one else couldhave done it. And now it turns out that you have this weakness fordrink. Not only that, but you have a mania for insisting that othermen drink with you. Think of those two poor fellows trailing you overParis yesterday trying to save you from yourself. "

"I shall never forget it, Madam, " I said. 

"Of course I don't believe that Jeff Tuttle always has to have itforced on him. Jeff Tuttle is an Indian. But Cousin Egbert isdifferent. You tore him away from that art gallery where he wasimproving his mind, and led him into places that must have beendisgusting to him. All he wanted was to study the world's masterpiecesin canvas and marble, yet you put a cabman's hat on him and made himride an antelope, or whatever the thing was. I can't think where yougot such ideas. "

"I was not myself. I can only say that I seemed to be subject to anattack. " And the Tuttle person was one of their Indians! Thisexplained so much about him. 

"You don't look like a periodical souse, " she remarked. 

"Quite so, Madam. "

"But you must be a wonder when you do start. The point is: am I doingright to intrust Cousin Egbert to you again?"

"Quite so, Madam. "

"It seems doubtful if you are the person to develop his highernature. "

Against my better judgment I here felt obliged to protest that I hadalways been given the highest character for quietness and generalbehaviour and that I could safely promise that I should be guilty ofno further lapses of this kind. Frankly, I was wishing to be shopped, and yet I could not resist making this mild defence of myself. Such Ihave found to be the way of human nature. To my surprise I found thatMrs. Effie was more than half persuaded by these words and was on thepoint of giving me another trial. I cannot say that I was delighted atthis. I was ready to give up all Americans as problems one too manyfor me, and yet I was strangely a little warmed at thinking I mightnot have seen the last of Cousin Egbert, whom I had just given atuckup. 

"You shall have your chance, " she said at last, "and just to show youthat I'm not narrow, you can go over to the sideboard there and pouryourself out a little one. It ought to be a lifesaver to you, feelingthe way you must this morning. "

"Thank you, Madam, " and I did as she suggested. I was feelingespecially fit, but I knew that I ought to play in character, as onemight say. 

"Three rousing cheers!" I said, having gathered the previous day thatthis was a popular American toast. She stared at me rather oddly, butmade no comment other than to announce her departure on a shoppingtour. Her bonnet, I noted, was quite wrong. Too extremely modish itwas, accenting its own lines at the expense of a face to which lessattention should have been called. This is a mistake common to thesex, however. They little dream how sadly they mock and betray theirown faces. Nothing I think is more pathetic than their trustfulunconsciousness of the tragedy--the rather plainish face under thecontemptuous structure that points to it and shrieks derision. Therather plain woman who knows what to put upon her head is a woman ofgenius. I have seen three, perhaps. 

I now went to the room of Cousin Egbert. I found him awake andcheerful, but disinclined to arise. It was hard for me to realize thathis simple, kindly face could mask the guile he had displayed thenight before. He showed no sign of regret for the false light in whichhe had placed me. Indeed he was sitting up in bed as cheerful andindependent as if he had paid two-pence for a park chair. 

"I fancy, " he began, "that we ought to spend a peaceful day indoors. The trouble with these foreign parts is that they don't have enoughhome life. If it isn't one thing it's another. "

"Sometimes it's both, sir, " I said, and he saw at once that I was notto be wheedled. Thereupon he grinned brazenly at me, and demanded:

"What did she say?"

"Well, sir, " I said, "she was highly indignant at me for taking youand Mr. Tuttle into public houses and forcing you to drink liquor, butshe was good enough, after I had expressed my great regret andpromised to do better in the future, to promise that I should haveanother chance. It was more than I could have hoped, sir, after theoutrageous manner in which I behaved. "

He grinned again at this, and in spite of my resentment I found myselfgrinning with him. I am aware that this was a most undignifiedsubmission to the injustice he had put upon me, and it was far fromthe line of stern rebuke that I had fully meant to adopt with him, butthere seemed no other way. I mean to say, I couldn't help it. 

"I'm glad to hear you talk that way, " he said. "It shows you may havesomething in you after all. What you want to do is to learn to say no. Then you won't be so much trouble to those who have to look afteryou. "

"Yes, sir, " I said, "I shall try, sir. "

"Then I'll give you another chance, " he said sternly. 

I mean to say, it was all spoofing, the way we talked. I am certain heknew it as well as I did, and I am sure we both enjoyed it. I am notone of those who think it shows a lack of dignity to unbend in thismanner on occasion. True, it is not with every one I could afford todo so, but Cousin Egbert seemed to be an exception to almost everyrule of conduct. 

At his earnest request I now procured for him another carafe of icedwater (he seemed already to have consumed two of these), after whichhe suggested that I read to him. The book he had was the well-knownstory, "Robinson Crusoe, " and I began a chapter which describes someof the hero's adventures on his lonely island. 

Cousin Egbert, I was glad to note, was soon sleeping soundly, so Ileft him and retired to my own room for a bit of needed rest. Thestory of "Robinson Crusoe" is one in which many interesting facts areconveyed regarding life upon remote islands where there arepractically no modern conveniences and one is put to all sorts ofcrude makeshifts, but for me the narrative contains too littledialogue. 

For the remainder of the day I was left to myself, a period of peacethat I found most welcome. Not until evening did I meet any of thefamily except Cousin Egbert, who partook of some light nourishmentlate in the afternoon. Then it was that Mrs. Effie summoned me whenshe had dressed for dinner, to say:

"We are sailing for home the day after to-morrow. See that CousinEgbert has everything he needs. "

The following day was a busy one, for there were many boxes to bepacked against the morrow's sailing, and much shopping to do forCousin Egbert, although he was much against this. 

"It's all nonsense, " he insisted, "her saying all that truck helps to'finish' me. Look at me! I've been in Europe darned near four monthsand I can't see that I'm a lick more finished than when I left RedGap. Of course it may show on me so other people can see it, but Idon't believe it does, at that. " Nevertheless, I bought him no end ofsuits and smart haberdashery. 

When the last box had been strapped I hastened to our old lodgings onthe chance of seeing the Honourable George once more. I found himdejectedly studying an ancient copy of the "Referee. " Too evidently hehad dined that night in a costume which would, I am sure, haveoffended even Cousin Egbert. Above his dress trousers he wore agolfing waistcoat and a shooting jacket. However, I could not allowmyself to be distressed by this. Indeed, I knew that worse would come. I forebore to comment upon the extraordinary choice of garments he hadmade. I knew it was quite useless. From any word that he let fallduring our chat, he might have supposed himself to be dressed as anEnglish gentleman should be. 

He bade me seat myself, and for some time we smoked our pipes in afriendly silence. I had feared that, as on the last occasion, he wouldrow me for having deserted him, but he no longer seemed to harbourthis unjust thought. We spoke of America, and I suggested that hemight some time come out to shoot big game along the Ohio or theMississippi. He replied moodily, after a long interval, that if heever did come out it would be to set up a cattle plantation. It wasrather agreed that he would come should I send for him. "Can't sitaround forever waiting for old Nevil's toast crumbs, " said he. 

We chatted for a time of home politics, which was, of course, in awretched state. There was a time when we might both have been won to asane and reasoned liberalism, but the present so-called government wascoming it a bit too thick for us. We said some sharp things about thelittle Welsh attorney who was beginning to be England's humiliation. Then it was time for me to go. 

The moment was rather awkward, for the Honourable George, to my greatembarrassment, pressed upon me his dispatch-case, one that we hadcarried during all our travels and into which tidily fitted a quartflask. Brandy we usually carried in it. I managed to accept it with aword of thanks, and then amazingly he shook hands twice with me as wesaid good-night. I had never dreamed he could be so greatly affected. Indeed, I had always supposed that there was nothing of thesentimentalist about him. 

So the Honourable George and I were definitely apart for the firsttime in our lives. 

It was with mingled emotions that I set sail next day for the foreignland to which I had been exiled by a turn of the cards. Not only was Ioff to a wilderness where a life of daily adventure was the normallife, but I was to mingle with foreigners who promised to be quitealmost impossibly queer, if the family of Flouds could be taken as asample of the native American--knowing Indians like the Tuttle person;that sort of thing. If some would be less queer, others would be evenmore queer, with queerness of a sort to tax even my _savoirfaire_, something which had been sorely taxed, I need hardly say, since that fatal evening when the Honourable George's intuitions hadplayed him false in the game of drawing poker. I was not the first ofmy countrymen, however, to find himself in desperate straits, and Iresolved to behave as England expects us to. 

I have said that I was viewing the prospect with mingled emotions. Before we had been out many hours they became so mingled that, havingcrossed the Channel many times, I could no longer pretend to ignoretheir true nature. For three days I was at the mercy of the elements, and it was then I discovered a certain hardness in the nature ofCousin Egbert which I had not before suspected. It was only byspeaking in the sharpest manner to him that I was able to secure thenursing my condition demanded. I made no doubt he would actually haveleft me to the care of a steward had I not been firm with him. I haveknown him leave my bedside for an hour at a time when it seemedprobable that I would pass away at any moment. And more than once, when I summoned him in the night to administer one of the remedieswith which I had provided myself, or perhaps to question him if theship were out of danger, he exhibited something very like irritation. Indeed he was never properly impressed by my suffering, and at timeswhen he would answer my call it was plain to be seen that he had beenpassing idle moments in the smoke-room or elsewhere, quite as if thesituation were an ordinary one. 

It is only fair to say, however, that toward the end of my long andinteresting illness I had quite broken his spirit and brought him tobe as attentive as even I could wish. By the time I was able with hisassistance to go upon deck again he was bringing me nutritive winesand jellies without being told, and so attentive did he remain thatI overheard a fellow-passenger address him as Florence Nightingale. I also overheard the Senator tell him that I had got his sheep, whatever that may have meant--a sheep or a goat--some domestic animal. Yet with all his willingness he was clumsy in his handling of me; heseemed to take nothing with any proper seriousness, and in spite of mysharpest warning he would never wear the proper clothes, so that Ialways felt he was attracting undue attention to us. Indeed, I shouldhardly care to cross with him again, and this I told him straight. 

Of the so-called joys of ship-life, concerning which the boatcompanies speak so enthusiastically in their folders, the less saidthe better. It is a childish mind, I think, that can be impressed bythe mere wabbly bulk of water. It is undoubtedly tremendous, butnothing to kick up such a row about. The truth is that the prospectfrom a ship's deck lacks that variety which one may enjoy from almostany English hillside. One sees merely water, and that's all about it. 

It will be understood, therefore, that I hailed our approach to theshores of foreign America with relief if not with enthusiasm. Eventhis was better than an ocean which has only size in its favour andhas been quite too foolishly overrated. 

We were soon steaming into the harbour of one of their large cities. Chicago, I had fancied it to be, until the chance remark of anAmerican who looked to be a well-informed fellow identified it as NewYork. I was much annoyed now at the behaviour of Cousin Egbert, whoburst into silly cheers at the slightest excuse, a passing steamer, agreen hill, or a rusty statue of quite ungainly height which seemed tobe made of crude iron. Do as I would, I could not restrain him fromthese unseemly shouts. I could not help contrasting his boisterousnesswith the fine reserve which, for example, the Honourable George wouldhave maintained under these circumstances. 

A further relief it was, therefore, when we were on the dock and hismind was diverted to other matters. A long time we were detained bycustoms officials who seemed rather overwhelmed by the gowns andmillinery of Mrs. Effie, but we were at last free and taken throughthe streets of the crude new American city of New York to a hoteloverlooking what I dare say in their simplicity they call their HydePark. 

CHAPTER FIVE

I must admit that at this inn they did things quite nicely, doubtlessbecause it seemed to be almost entirely staffed by foreigners. Onewould scarce have known within its walls that one had come out toNorth America, nor that savage wilderness surrounded one on everyhand. Indeed I was surprised to learn that we were quite at the edgeof the rough Western frontier, for in but one night's journey we wereto reach the American mountains to visit some people who inhabited acamp in their dense wilds. 

A bit of romantic thrill I felt in this adventure, for we shouldencounter, I inferred, people of the hardy pioneer stock that haspushed the American civilization, such as it is, ever westward. Ipictured the stalwart woodsman, axe in hand, braving the forest tofell trees for his rustic home, while at night the red savages prowledabout to scalp any who might stray from the blazing campfire. On theday of our landing I had read something of this--of depredationscommitted by their Indians at Arizona. 

From what would, I take it, be their Victoria station, we three beganour journey in one of the Pullman night coaches, the Senator of thisfamily having proceeded to their home settlement of Red Gap with wordthat he must "look after his fences, " referring, doubtless, to thoseabout his cattle plantation. 

As our train moved out Mrs. Effie summoned me for a serious talkconcerning the significance of our present visit; not of thewilderness dangers to which we might be exposed, but of its socialaspects, which seemed to be of prime importance. We were to visit, Ilearned, one Charles Belknap-Jackson of Boston and Red Gap, he being aperson who mattered enormously, coming from one of the very oldestfamilies of Boston, a port on their east coast, and a place, Igathered, in which some decent attention is given to the matter of whohas been one's family. A bit of a shock it was to learn that in thisrough land they had their castes and precedences. I saw I had beenright to suspect that even a crude society could not exist without itsrules for separating one's superiors from the lower sorts. I began tofeel at once more at home and I attended the discourse of Mrs. Effiewith close attention. 

The Boston person, in one of those irresponsibly romantic moments thatsometimes trap the best of us, had married far beneath him, espousingthe simple daughter of one of the crude, old-settling families of RedGap. Further, so inattentive to details had he been, he had neglectedto secure an ante-nuptial settlement as our own men so wisely make ittheir rule to do, and was now suffering a painful embarrassment fromthis folly; for the mother-in-law, controlling the rather sizablefamily fortune, had harshly insisted that the pair reside in Red Gap, permitting no more than an occasional summer visit to his nativeBoston, whose inhabitants she affected not to admire. 

"Of course the poor fellow suffers frightfully, " explained Mrs. Effie, "shut off there away from all he'd been brought up to, but good hascome of it, for his presence has simply done wonders for us. Before hecame our social life was too awful for words--oh, a _mixture_!Practically every one in town attended our dances; no one had evertold us any better. The Bohemian set mingled freely with the veryoldest families--oh, in a way that would never be tolerated in Londonsociety, I'm sure. And everything so crude! Why, I can remember whenno one thought of putting doilies under the finger-bowls. No tone toit at all. For years we had no country club, if you can believe that. And even now, in spite of the efforts of Charles and a few of us, there are still some of the older families that are simply sloppy intheir entertaining. And promiscuous. The trouble I've had with theSenator and Cousin Egbert!"

"The Flouds are an old family?" I suggested, wishing to understandthese matters deeply. 

"The Flouds, " she answered impressively, "were living in Red Gapbefore the spur track was ever run out to the canning factory--and Iguess you know what that means!"

"Quite so, Madam, " I suggested; and, indeed, though it puzzled me abit, it sounded rather tremendous, as meaning with us something likesince the battle of Hastings. 

"But, as I say, Charles at once gave us a glimpse of the betterthings. Thanks to him, the Bohemian set and the North Side set are nowfairly distinct. The scraps we've had with that Bohemian set! He has areal genius for leadership, Charles has, but I know he often finds itso discouraging, getting people to know their places. Even his ownmother-in-law, Mrs. Lysander John Pettengill--but you'll see to-morrowhow impossible she is, poor old soul! I shouldn't talk about her, Ireally shouldn't. Awfully good heart the poor old dear has, but--well, I don't see why I shouldn't tell you the exact truth in plainwords--you'd find it out soon enough. She is simply a confirmed_mixer_. The trial she's been and is to poor Charles! Almost norespect for any of the higher things he stands for--and temper? Well, I've heard her swear at him till you'd have thought it was Jeff Tuttlepacking a green cayuse for the first time. Words? Talk about words!And Cousin Egbert always standing in with her. He's been another awfultrial, refusing to play tennis at the country club, or to take upgolf, or do any of those smart things, though I got him a beautifullot of sticks. But no: when he isn't out in the hills, he'd rather sitdown in that back room at the Silver Dollar saloon, playing cribbageall day with a lot of drunken loafers. But I'm so hoping that will bechanged, now that I've made him see there are better things in life. Don't you really think he's another man?"

"To an extent, Madam, I dare say, " I replied cautiously. 

"It's chiefly what I got you for, " she went on. "And then, in ageneral way you will give tone to our establishment. The moment I sawyou I knew you could be an influence for good among us. No one therehas ever had anything like you. Not even Charles. He's tried to haveAmerican valets, but you never can get them to understand their place. Charles finds them so offensively familiar. They don't seem torealize. But of course you realize. "

I inclined my head in sympathetic understanding. 

"I'm looking forward to Charles meeting you. I guess he'll be a littleput out at our having you, but there's no harm letting him see I'm tobe reckoned with. Naturally his wife, Millie, is more or lessmentioned as a social leader, but I never could see that she is reallyany more prominent than I am. In fact, last year after our Bazaar ofAll Nations our pictures in costume were in the Spokane paper as 'RedGap's Rival Society Queens, ' and I suppose that's what we are, thoughwe work together pretty well as a rule. Still, I must say, having youputs me a couple of notches ahead of her. Only, for heaven's sake, keep your eye on Cousin Egbert!"

"I shall do my duty, Madam, " I returned, thinking it all rathermorbidly interesting, these weird details about their county families. 

"I'm sure you will, " she said at parting. "I feel that we shall dothings right this year. Last year the Sunday Spokane paper used tohave nearly a column under the heading 'Social Doings of Red Gap'sSmart Set. ' This year we'll have a good two columns, if I don't missmy guess. "

In the smoking-compartment I found Cousin Egbert staring gloomily intovacancy, as one might say, the reason I knew being that he had vainlypleaded with Mrs. Effie to be allowed to spend this time at theirConey Island, which is a sort of Brighton. He transferred his stare tome, but it lost none of its gloom. 

"Hell begins to pop!" said he. 

"Referring to what, sir?" I rejoined with some severity, for I havenever held with profanity. 

"Referring to Charles Belknap Hyphen Jackson of Boston, Mass. , " saidhe, "the greatest little trouble-maker that ever crossed thehills--with a bracelet on one wrist and a watch on the other and aone-shot eyeglass and a gold cigareet case and key chains, rings, bangles, and jewellery till he'd sink like lead if he ever fell intothe crick with all that metal on. "

"You are speaking, sir, about a person who matters enormously, " Irebuked him. 

"If I hadn't been afraid of getting arrested I'd have shot him longago. "

"It's not done, sir, " I said, quite horrified by his rash words. 

"It's liable to be, " he insisted. "I bet Ma Pettengill will go in withme on it any time I give her the word. Say, listen! there's one goodmixer. "

"The confirmed Mixer, sir?" For I remembered the term. 

"The best ever. Any one can set into her game that's got a stack ofchips. " He uttered this with deep feeling, whatever it might exactlymean. 

"I can be pushed just so far, " he insisted sullenly. It struck me thenthat he should perhaps have been kept longer in one of the Europeancapitals. I feared his brief contact with those refining influenceshad left him less polished than Mrs. Effie seemed to hope. I wondereduneasily if he might not cause her to miss her guess. Yet I saw he wasin no mood to be reasoned with, and I retired to my bed which theblackamoor guard had done out. Here I meditated profoundly for sometime before I slept. 

Morning found our coach shunted to a siding at a backwoods settlementon the borders of an inland sea. The scene was wild beyonddescription, where quite almost anything might be expected to happen, though I was a bit reassured by the presence of a number of persons ofboth sexes who appeared to make little of the dangers by which we weresurrounded. I mean to say since they thus took their women into thewilds so freely, I would still be a dead sportsman. 

After a brief wait at a rude quay we embarked on a launch and steamedout over the water. Mile after mile we passed wooded shores thatsloped up to mountains of prodigious height. Indeed the description ofthe Rocky Mountains, of which I take these to be a part, have not beenoverdrawn. From time to time, at the edge of the primeval forest, Icould make out the rude shelters of hunter and trapper who bravedthese perils for the sake of a scanty livelihood for their hardy wivesand little ones. 

Cousin Egbert, beside me, seemed unimpressed, making no outcry at thefearsome wildness of the scene, and when I spoke of the terrificheight of the mountains he merely admonished me to "quit my kidding. "The sole interest he had thus far displayed was in the title of ourcraft--_Storm King_. 

"Think of the guy's imagination, naming this here chafing dish the_Storm King_!" said he; but I was impatient of levity at sosolemn a moment, and promptly rebuked him for having donned a cravatthat I had warned him was for town wear alone; whereat he subsided anddid not again intrude upon me. 

Far ahead, at length, I could descry an open glade at the forest edge, and above this I soon spied floating the North American flag, ornational emblem. It is, of course, known to us that the natives aregiven to making rather a silly noise over this flag of theirs, but inthis instance--the pioneer fighting his way into the wilderness andhoisting it above his frontier home--I felt strangely indisposed tocriticise. I understood that he could be greatly cheered by the flagof the country he had left behind. 

We now neared a small dock from which two ladies brandishedhandkerchiefs at us, and were presently welcomed by them. I had nodifficulty in identifying the Mrs. Charles Belknap-Jackson, a livelyfeatured brunette of neutral tints, rather stubby as to figure, butmodishly done out in white flannels. She surveyed us interestedlythrough a lorgnon, observing which Mrs. Effie was quick with her own. I surmised that neither of them was skilled with this form of glass(which must really be raised with an air or it's no good); also thateach was not a little chagrined to note that the other possessed one. 

Nor was it less evident that the other lady was the mother of Mrs. Belknap-Jackson; I mean to say, the confirmed Mixer--an elderly personof immense bulk in gray walking-skirt, heavy boots, and a floweredblouse that was overwhelming. Her face, under her grayish thatch ofhair, was broad and smiling, the eyes keen, the mouth wide, and thenose rather a bit blobby. Although at every point she was far fromvogue, she impressed me not unpleasantly. Even her voice, amagnificently hoarse rumble, was primed with a sort of uncouthgood-will which one might accept in the States. Of course it wouldnever do with us. 

I fancied I could at once detect why they had called her the "Mixer. "She embraced Mrs. Effie with an air of being about to strangle thewoman; she affectionately wrung the hands of Cousin Egbert, and hadgrasped my own tightly before I could evade her, not having looked forthat sort of thing. 

"That's Cousin Egbert's man!" called Mrs. Effie. But even then thepowerful creature would not release me until her daughter had calledsharply, "Maw! Don't you hear? He's a _man_!" Nevertheless shegave my hand a parting shake before turning to the others. 

"Glad to see a human face at last!" she boomed. "Here I've been amonth in this dinky hole, " which I thought strange, since we weresurrounded by league upon league of the primal wilderness. "Cooped uplike a hen in a barrel, " she added in tones that must have carriedwell out over the lake. 

"Cousin Egbert's man, " repeated Mrs. Effie, a little ostentatiously, Ithought. "Poor Egbert's so dependent on him--quite helpless withouthim. "

Cousin Egbert muttered sullenly to himself as he assisted me with thebags. Then he straightened himself to address them. 

"Won him in a game of freeze-out, " he remarked quite viciously. 

"Does he doll Sour-dough up like that all the time?" demanded theMixer, "or has he just come from a masquerade? What's he represent, anyway?" And these words when I had taken especial pains and resortedto all manner of threats to turn him smartly out in the walking-suitof a pioneer!

"Maw!" cried our hostess, "do try to forget that dreadful nickname ofEgbert's. "

"I sure will if he keeps his disguise on, " she rumbled back. "The oldhorned toad is most as funny as Jackson. "

Really, I mean to say, they talked most amazingly. I was but too gladwhen they moved on and we could follow with the bags. 

"Calls her 'Maw' all right now, " hissed Cousin Egbert in my ear, "butwhen that begoshed husband of hers is around the house she calls her'Mater. '"

His tone was vastly bitter. He continued to mutter sullenly tohimself--a way he had--until we had disposed of the luggage and I waslaying out his afternoon and evening wear in one of the small detachedhouses to which we had been assigned. Nor did he sink his grievance onthe arrival of the Mixer a few moments later. He now addressed her as"Ma" and asked if she had "the makings, " which puzzled me until shedrew from the pocket of her skirt a small cloth sack of tobacco andsome bits of brown paper, from which they both fashioned cigarettes. 

"The smart set of Red Gap is holding its first annual meeting for theelection of officers back there, " she began after she had emitted twinjets of smoke from the widely separated corners of her set mouth. 

"I say, you know, where's Hyphen old top?" demanded Cousin Egbert in aquite vile imitation of one speaking in the correct manner. 

"Fishing, " answered the Mixer with a grin. "In a thousand dollars'worth of clothes. These here Eastern trout won't notice you unless youdress right. " I thought this strange indeed, but Cousin Egbert merelygrinned in his turn. 

"How'd he get you into this awfully horrid rough place?" he nextdemanded. 

"Made him. 'This or Red Gap for yours, ' I says. The two weeks in NewYork wasn't so bad, what with Millie and me getting new clothes, though him and her both jumped on me that I'm getting too gay aboutclothes for a party of my age. 'What's age to me, ' I says, 'when Ilike bright colours?' Then we tried his home-folks in Boston, but Iplayed that string out in a week. 

"Two old-maid sisters, thin noses and knitted shawls! Stick around inthe back parlour talking about families--whether it was Aunt Lucy'sAbigail or the Concord cousin's Hester that married an Adams in '78and moved out west to Buffalo. I thought first I could liven them upsome, _you_ know. Looked like it would help a lot for them to getout in a hack and get a few shots of hooch under their belts, stop ata few roadhouses, take in a good variety show; get 'em to feelinggood, understand? No use. Wouldn't start. Darn it! they held off fromme. Don't know why. I sure wore clothes for them. Yes, sir. I'd getdressed up like a broken arm every afternoon; and, say, I got onesheath skirt, black and white striped, that just has to be looked at. Never phased them, though. 

"I got to thinking mebbe it was because I made my own smokes insteadof using those vegetable cigarettes of Jackson's, or maybe because I'dget parched and demand a slug of booze before supper. Like a Sundayafternoon all the time, when you eat a big dinner and everybody'ssleepy and mad because they can't take a nap, and have to set aroundand play a few church tunes on the organ or look through the albumagain. "

"Ain't that right? Don't it fade you?" murmured Cousin Egbert withdeep feeling. 

"And little Lysander, my only grandson, poor kid, getting the fidgetsbecause they try to make him talk different, and raise hell every timehe knocks over a vase or busts a window. Say, would you believe it?they wanted to keep him there--yes, sir--make him refined. Not for me!'His father's about all he can survive in those respects, ' I says. What do you think? Wanted to let his hair grow so he'd have curls. Some dames, yes? I bet they'd have give the kid lovely days. 'Bostonmay be all O. K. For grandfathers, ' I says; 'not for grandsons, though. '

"Then Jackson was set on Bar Harbor, and I had to be firm again. Darnit! that man is always making me be firm. So here we are. He said itwas a camp, and that sounded good. But my lands! he wears his fullevening dress suit for supper every night, and you had ought to heardhim go on one day when the patent ice-machine went bad. "

"My good gosh!" said Cousin Egbert quite simply. 

I had now finished laying out his things and was about to withdraw. 

"Is he always like that?" suddenly demanded the Mixer, pointing at me. 

"Oh, Bill's all right when you get him out with a crowd, " explainedthe other. "Bill's really got the makings of one fine little mixer. "

They both regarded me genially. It was vastly puzzling. I mean to say, I was at a loss how to take it, for, of course, that sort of thingwould never do with us. And yet I felt a queer, confused sort ofpleasure in the talk. Absurd though it may seem, I felt there mightcome moments in which America would appear almost not impossible. 

As I went out Cousin Egbert was telling her of Paris. I lingered tohear him disclose that all Frenchmen have "M" for their firstinitial, and that the Louer family must be one of their wealthiest, the name "A. Louer" being conspicuous on millions of dollars' worth oftheir real estate. This family, he said, must be like the Rothschilds. Of course the poor soul was absurdly wrong. I mean to say, the letter"M" merely indicates "Monsieur, " which is their foreign way ofspelling Mister, while "A Louer" signifies "to let. " I resolved toexplain this to him at the first opportunity, not thinking it rightthat he should spread such gross error among a race still buthalf-enlightened. 

Having now a bit of time to myself, I observed the construction ofthis rude homestead, a dozen or more detached or semi-detachedstructures of the native log, yet with the interiors more smartly doneout than I had supposed was common even with the most prosperous oftheir scouts and trappers. I suspected a false idea of this rude lifehad been given by the cinema dramas. I mean to say, with pianos, ice-machines, telephones, objects of art, and servants, one saw thatthese woodsmen were not primitive in any true sense of the word. 

The butler proved to be a genuine blackamoor, a Mr. Waterman, heinformed me, his wife, also a black, being the cook. An elderlycreature of the utmost gravity of bearing, he brought to hisprofessional duties a finish, a dignity, a manner in short that I havescarce known excelled among our own serving people. And a creature hewas of the most eventful past, as he informed me at our firstencounter. As a slave he had commanded an immensely high price, sometwenty thousand dollars, as the American money is called, and twoprominent slaveholders had once fought a duel to the death over hispossession. Not many, he assured me, had been so eagerly sought after, they being for the most part held cheaper--"common black trash, " heput it. 

Early tiring of the life of slavery, he had fled to the wilds and forsome years led a desperate band of outlaws whose crimes soon put aprice upon his head. He spoke frankly and with considerable regret ofthese lawless years. At the outbreak of the American war, however, with a reward of fifty thousand dollars offered for his body, he hadboldly surrendered to their Secretary of State for War, receiving afull pardon for his crimes on condition that he assist in directingthe military operations against the slaveholding aristocracy. Invaluable he had been in this service, I gathered, two generals, named respectively Grant and Sherman, having repeatedly assured himthat but for his aid they would more than once in sheer despair havelaid down their swords. 

I could readily imagine that after these years of strife he had beenglad to embrace the peaceful calling in which I found him engaged. Hewas, as I have intimated, a person of lofty demeanour, with a vein ofhigh seriousness. Yet he would unbend at moments as frankly as a childand play at a simple game of chance with a pair of dice. This he wasgood enough to teach to myself and gained from me quite a number ofshillings that I chanced to have. For his consort, a person oftremendous bulk named Clarice, he showed a most chivalricconsideration, and even what I might have mistaken for timidity in onenot a confessed desperado. In truth, he rather flinched when sheinterrupted our chat from the kitchen doorway by roundly calling him"an old black liar. " I saw that his must indeed be a complex nature. 

From this encounter I chanced upon two lads who seemed to present themarks of the backwoods life as I had conceived it. Strolling up awoodland path, I discovered a tent pitched among the trees, before ita smouldering campfire, over which a cooking-pot hung. The two lads, of ten years or so, rushed from the tent to regard me, both attired inshirts and leggings of deerskin profusely fringed after the manner inwhich the red Indians decorate their outing or lounge-suits. They werearmed with sheath knives and revolvers, and the taller bore a rifle. 

"Howdy, stranger?" exclaimed this one, and the other repeated thesimple American phrase of greeting. Responding in kind, I was bade toseat myself on a fallen log, which I did. For some moments theyappeared to ignore me, excitedly discussing an adventure of the nightbefore, and addressing each other as Dead Shot and Hawk Eye. Fromtheir quaint backwoods speech I gathered that Dead Shot, the tallerlad, had the day before been captured by a band of hostile redskinswho would have burned him at the stake but for the happy chance thatthe chieftain's daughter had become enamoured of him and cut hisbonds. 

They now planned to return to the encampment at nightfall to fetchaway the daughter, whose name was White Fawn, and cleaned and oiledtheir weapons for the enterprise. Dead Shot was vindictive in theextreme, swearing to engage the chieftain in mortal combat and to cuthis heart out, the same chieftain in former years having led hissavage band against the forest home of Dead Shot while he was yet tooyoung to defend it, and scalped both of his parents. "I was a merestripling then, but now the coward will feel my steel!" he coldlydeclared. 

It had become absurdly evident as I listened that the whole thing wasbut spoofing of a silly sort that lads of this age will indulge in, for I had seen the younger one take his seat at the luncheon table. But now they spoke of a raid on the settlement to procure "grub, " asthe American slang for food has it. Bidding me stop on there and toutter the cry of the great horned owl if danger threatened, theystealthily crept toward the buildings of the camp. Presently came ascream, followed by a hoarse shout of rage. A second later the twodashed by me into the dense woods, Hawk Eye bearing a plucked fowl. Soon Mr. Waterman panted up the path brandishing a barge pole anddemanding to know the whereabouts of the marauders. As he hadapparently for the moment reverted to his primal African savagery, Ideliberately misled him by indicating a false direction, upon which hewent off, muttering the most frightful threats. 

The two culprits returned, put their fowl in the pot to boil, andswore me eternal fidelity for having saved them. They declared Ishould thereafter be known as Keen Knife, and that, needing a service, I might call upon them freely. 

"Dead Shot never forgets a friend, " affirmed the taller lad, whereuponI formally shook hands with the pair and left them to their childishdevices. They were plotting as I left to capture "that nigger, " asthey called him, and put him to death by slow torture. 

But I was now shrewd enough to suspect that I might still be far fromthe western frontier of America. The evidence had been cumulative butwas no longer questionable. I mean to say, one might do here somewhatafter the way of our own people at a country house in the shires. Iresolved at the first opportunity to have a look at a good map of ourlate colonies. 

Late in the afternoon our party gathered upon the small dock and Iunderstood that our host now returned from his trouting. Along theshore of the lake he came, propelled in a native canoe by a hairybackwoods person quite wretchedly gotten up, even for a wilderness. Our host himself, I was quick to observe, was vogue to the lastdetail, with a sense of dress and equipment that can never beacquired, having to be born in one. As he stepped from his frail craftI saw that he was rather slight of stature, dark, with slendermoustaches, a finely sensitive nose, and eyes of an almost austererepose. That he had much of the real manner was at once apparent. Hegreeted the Flouds and his own family with just that faint touch ofeasy superiority which would stamp him to the trained eye as one thatreally mattered. Mrs. Effie beckoned me to the group. 

"Let Ruggles take your things--Cousin Egbert's man, " she was saying. After a startled glance at Cousin Egbert, our host turned to regard mewith flattering interest for a moment, then transferred to me hisoddments of fishing machinery: his rod, his creel, his luncheonhamper, landing net, small scales, ointment for warding off midges, ajar of cold cream, a case containing smoked glasses, a rolled map, acamera, a book of flies. As I was stowing these he explained that hissport had been wretched; no fish had been hooked because his guide hadnot known where to find them. I here glanced at the backwoods personreferred to and at once did not like the look in his eyes. He winkedswiftly at Cousin Egbert, who coughed rather formally. 

"Let Ruggles help you to change, " continued Mrs. Effie. "He's awfullyhandy. Poor Cousin Egbert is perfectly helpless now without him. "

So I followed our host to his own detached hut, though feeling a bitqueer at being passed about in this manner, I mean to say, as if Iwere a basket of fruit. Yet I found it a grateful change to be servingone who knew our respective places and what I should do for him. Hismanner of speech, also, was less barbarous than that of the others, suggesting that he might have lived among our own people a fortnightor so and have tried earnestly to correct his deficiencies. In fact heremarked to me after a bit: "I fancy I talk rather like one ofyourselves, what?" and was pleased as Punch when I assured him that Ihad observed this. He questioned me at length regarding my associationwith the Honourable George, and the houses at which we would havestayed, being immensely particular about names and titles. 

"You'll find us vastly different here, " he said with a sigh, as I heldhis coat for him. "Crude, I may say. In truth, Red Gap, where myinterests largely confine me, is a town of impossible persons. You'llsee in no time what I mean. "

"I can already imagine it, sir, " I said sympathetically. 

"It's not for want of example, " he added. "Scores of times I show thembetter ways, but they're eaten up with commercialism--money-grubbing. "

I perceived him to be a person of profound and interesting views, andit was with regret I left him to bully Cousin Egbert into eveningdress. It is undoubtedly true that he will never wear this except ithave the look of having been forced upon him by several persons ofsuperior physical strength. 

The evening passed in a refined manner with cards and music, thelatter being emitted from a phonograph which I was asked to attend toand upon which I reproduced many of their quaint North Americanfolksongs, such as "Everybody Is Doing It, " which has a rare nativerhythm. At ten o'clock, it being noticed by the three playing dummybridge that Cousin Egbert and the Mixer were absent, I accompanied ourhost in search of them. In Cousin Egbert's hut we found them, seatedat a bare table, playing at cards--a game called seven-upwards, Ilearned. Cousin Egbert had removed his coat, collar, and cravat, andhis sleeves were rolled to his elbows like a navvy's. Both smoked thebrown paper cigarettes. 

"You see?" murmured Mr. Belknap-Jackson as we looked in upon them. 

"Quite so, sir, " I said discreetly. 

The Mixer regarded her son-in-law with some annoyance, I thought. 

"Run off to bed, Jackson!" she directed. "We're busy. I'm putting anick in Sour-dough's bank roll. "

Our host turned away with a contemptuous shrug that I dare say mighthave offended her had she observed it, but she was now speaking toCousin Egbert, who had stared at us brazenly. 

"Ring that bell for the coon, Sour-dough. I'll split a bottle ofScotch with you. "

It queerly occurred to me that she made this monstrous suggestion in aspirit of bravado to annoy Mr. Belknap-Jackson. 

CHAPTER SIX

There are times when all Nature seems to smile, yet when to thesensitive mind it will be faintly brought that the possibilities arequite tremendously otherwise if one will consider them pro and con. Imean to say, one often suspects things may happen when it doesn't lookso. 

The succeeding three days passed with so ordered a calm that littlewould any but a profound thinker have fancied tragedy to lurk so neartheir placid surface. Mrs. Effie and Mrs. Belknap-Jackson continued toplan the approaching social campaign at Red Gap. Cousin Egbert and theMixer continued their card game for the trifling stake of a shilling agame, or "two bits, " as it is known in the American monetary system. And our host continued his recreation. 

Each morning I turned him out in the smartest of fishing costumes andeach evening I assisted him to change. It is true I was now compelledto observe at these times a certain lofty irritability in hischaracter, yet I more than half fancied this to be queerly assumed inorder to inform me that he was not unaccustomed to services such as Irendered him. There was that about him. I mean to say, when he sharplyrebuked me for clumsiness or cried out "Stupid!" it had a perfunctorylanguor, as if meant to show me he could address a servant in what hebelieved to be the grand manner. In this, to be sure, he was so oddlywrong that the pathos of it quite drowned what I might otherwise havefelt of resentment. 

But I next observed that he was sharp in the same manner with thehairy backwoods person who took him to fish each day, using words tohim which I, for one, would have employed, had I thought them merited, only after the gravest hesitation. I have before remarked that I didnot like the gleam in this person's eyes: he was very apparently a notquite nice person. Also I more than once observed him to wink atCousin Egbert in an evil manner. 

As I have so truly said, how close may tragedy be to us when lifeseems most correct! It was Belknap-Jackson's custom to raise a viewhalloo each evening when he returned down the lake, so that we mightgather at the dock to oversee his landing. I must admit that hedisembarked with somewhat the manner of a visiting royalty, demandingmuch attention and assistance with his impedimenta. Undoubtedly heliked to be looked at. This was what one rather felt. And I can fancythat this very human trait of his had in a manner worn upon theprobably undisciplined nerves of the backwoods josser--had, in fact, deprived him of his "goat, " as the native people have it. 

Be this as it may, we gathered at the dock on the afternoon of thethird day of our stay to assist at the return. As the native log craftneared the dock our host daringly arose to a graceful kneeling posturein the bow and saluted us charmingly, the woods person in the sternwielding his single oar in gloomy silence. At the moment a most poeticimage occurred to me--that he was like a dull grim figure of Fate thatfetches us low at the moment of our highest seeming. I mean to say, itwas a silly thought, perhaps, yet I afterward recalled it mostvividly. 

Holding his creel aloft our host hailed us:

"Full to-day, thanks to going where I wished and paying no attentionto silly guides' talk. " He beamed upon us in an unquestionablysuperior manner, and again from the moody figure at the stern Iintercepted the flash of a wink to Cousin Egbert. Then as the frailcraft had all but touched the dock and our host had half risen, therewas a sharp dipping of the thing and he was ejected into the chillingwaters, where he almost instantly sank. There were loud cries of alarmfrom all, including the woodsman himself, who had kept the craftupright, and in these Mr. Belknap-Jackson heartily joined the momenthis head appeared above the surface, calling "Help!" in the quiteloudest of tones, which was thoughtless enough, as we were close athand and could easily have heard his ordinary speaking voice. 

The woods person now stepped to the dock, and firmly grasping thecollar of the drowning man hauled him out with but little effort, atthe same time becoming voluble with apologies and sympathy. Therescued man, however, was quite off his head with rage and bluntlyberated the fellow for having tried to assassinate him. Indeed he putforth rather a torrent of execration, but to all of this the fellowmerely repeated his crude protestations of regret and astonishment, seeming to be sincerely grieved that his intentions should have beendoubted. 

From his friends about him the unfortunate man was receiving the mosturgent advice to seek dry garments lest he perish of chill, whereuponhe turned abruptly to me and cried: "Well, Stupid, don't you see thestate that fellow has put me in? What are you doing? Have you lostyour wits?"

Now I had suffered a very proper alarm and solicitude for him, but theinjustice of this got a bit on me. I mean to say, I suddenly felt abit of temper myself, though to be sure retaining my control. 

"Yes, sir; quite so, sir, " I replied smoothly. "I'll have you right asrain in no time at all, sir, " and started to conduct him off the dock. But now, having gone a little distance, he began to utter the mostviolent threats against the woods person, declaring, in fact, he wouldpull the fellow's nose. However, I restrained him from rushing back, as I subtly felt I was wished to do, and he at length consented againto be led toward his hut. 

But now the woods person called out: "You're forgetting all yourpretties!" By which I saw him to mean the fishing impedimenta he hadplaced on the dock. And most unreasonably at this Mr. Belknap-Jacksonagain turned upon me, wishing anew to be told if I had lost my witsand directing me to fetch the stuff. Again I was conscious of thatwithin me which no gentleman's man should confess to. I mean to say, Ifelt like shaking him. But I hastened back to fetch the rod, thecreel, the luncheon hamper, the midge ointment, the camera, and otherarticles which the woods fellow handed me. 

With these somewhat awkwardly carried, I returned to our stillturbulent host. More like a volcano he was than a man who has had anarrow squeak from drowning, and before we had gone a dozen feet morehe again turned and declared he would "go back and thrash theunspeakable cad within an inch of his life. " Their relative sizesrendering an attempt of this sort quite too unwise, I was conscious ofrenewed irritation toward him; indeed, the vulgar words, "Oh, stowthat piffle!" swiftly formed in the back of my mind, but again Icontrolled myself, as the chap was now sneezing violently. 

"Best hurry on, sir, " I said with exemplary tact. "One might contracta severe head-cold from such a wetting, " and further endeavoured tosooth him while I started ahead to lead him away from the fellow. Thenthere happened that which fulfilled my direst premonitions. Lookingback from a moment of calm, the psychology of the crisis is of arudimentary simplicity. 

Enraged beyond measure at the woods person, Mr. Belknap-Jackson yetretained a fine native caution which counselled him to attempt noviolence upon that offender; but his mental tension was such that itcould be relieved only by his attacking some one; preferably some oneforbidden to retaliate. I walked there temptingly but a pace ahead ofhim, after my well-meant word of advice. 

I make no defence of my own course. I am aware there can be none. Ican only plead that I had already been vexed not a little by hisunjust accusations of stupidity, and dismiss with as few words aspossible an incident that will ever seem to me quite too indecentlycriminal. Briefly, then, with my well-intended "Best not loweryourself, sir, " Mr. Belknap-Jackson forgot himself and I forgotmyself. It will be recalled that I was in front of him, but I turnedrather quickly. (His belongings I had carried were widelydisseminated. )

Instantly there were wild outcries from the others, who had startedtoward the main, or living house. 

"He's killed Charles!" I heard Mrs. Belknap-Jackson scream; then camethe deep-chested rumble of the Mixer, "Jackson kicked him first!" Theyran for us. They had reached us while our host was down, even while myfist was still clenched. Now again the unfortunate man cried "Help!"as his wife assisted him to his feet. 

"Send for an officer!" cried she. 

"The man's an anarchist!" shouted her husband. 

"Nonsense!" boomed the Mixer. "Jackson got what he was looking for. Doit myself if he kicked me!"

"Oh, Maw! Oh, Mater!" cried her daughter tearfully. 

"Gee! He done it in one punch!" I heard Cousin Egbert say with what Iwas aghast to suspect was admiration. 

Mrs. Effie, trembling, could but glare at me and gasp. Mercifully shewas beyond speech for the moment. 

Mr. Belknap-Jackson was now painfully rubbing his right eye, which wasnot what he should have done, and I said as much. 

"Beg pardon, sir, but one does better with a bit of raw beef. "

"How dare you, you great hulking brute!" cried his wife, and made asif to shield her husband from another attack from me, which I submitwas unjust. 

"Bill's right, " said Cousin Egbert casually. "Put a piece of raw steakon it. Gee! with one wallop!" And then, quite strangely, for a momentwe all amiably discussed whether cold compresses might not be better. Presently our host was led off by his wife. Mrs. Effie followed them, moaning: "Oh, oh, oh!" in the keenest distress. 

At this I took to my own room in dire confusion, making no doubt Iwould presently be given in charge and left to languish in gaol, perhaps given six months' hard. 

Cousin Egbert came to me in a little while and laughed heartily at myfear that anything legal would be done. He also made some ill-timedcompliments on the neatness of the blow I had dealt Mr. Belknap-Jackson, but these I found in wretched taste and was begginghim to desist, when the Mixer entered and began to speak much in thesame strain. 

"Don't you ever dare do a thing like that again, " she warned me, "unless I got a ringside seat, " to which I remained severely silent, for I felt my offence should not be made light of. 

"Three rousing cheers!" exclaimed Cousin Egbert, whereat the two mostunfeelingly went through a vivid pantomime of cheering. 

Our host, I understood, had his dinner in bed that night, andthroughout the evening, as I sat solitary in remorse, came the mockingstrains of another of their American folksongs with the refrain:

 "You made me what I am to-day, I hope you're satisfied!"

I conceived it to be the Mixer and Cousin Egbert who did this and, considering the plight of our host, I thought it in the worst possibletaste. I had raised my hand against the one American I had met who wasat all times vogue. And not only this: For I now recalled a certainphrase I had flung out as I stood over him, ranting indeed no betterthan an anarchist, a phrase which showed my poor culture to be theflimsiest veneer. 

Late in the night, as I lay looking back on the frightful scene, Irecalled with wonder a swift picture of Cousin Egbert caught as I oncelooked back to the dock. He had most amazingly shaken the woods personby the hand, quickly but with marked cordiality. And yet I am quitecertain he had never been presented to the fellow. 

Promptly the next morning came the dreaded summons to meet Mrs. Effie. I was of course prepared to accept instant dismissal without acharacter, if indeed I were not to be given in charge. I found herwearing an expression of the utmost sternness, erect and formidable bythe now silent phonograph. Cousin Egbert, who was present, also worean expression of sternness, though I perceived him to wink at me. 

"I really don't know what we're to do with you, Ruggles, " began thestricken woman, and so done out she plainly was that I at once feltthe warmest sympathy for her as she continued: "First you lead poorCousin Egbert into a drunken debauch----"

Cousin Egbert here coughed nervously and eyed me with strongcondemnation. 

"--then you behave like a murderer. What have you to say foryourself?"

At this I saw there was little I could say, except that I had coarselygiven way to the brute in me, and yet I knew I should try to explain. 

"I dare say, Madam, it may have been because Mr. Belknap-Jackson wasquite sober at the unfortunate moment. "

"Of course Charles was sober. The idea! What of it?"

"I was remembering an occasion at Chaynes-Wotten when Lord IvorCradleigh behaved toward me somewhat as Mr. Belknap-Jackson did lastnight and when my own deportment was quite all that could be wished. It occurs to me now that it was because his lordship was, how shall Isay?--quite far gone in liquor at the time, so that I could withoutloss of dignity pass it off as a mere prank. Indeed, he regarded it assuch himself, performing the act with a good nature that I found quiteirresistible, and I am certain that neither his lordship nor I haveever thought the less of each other because of it. I revert to thismerely to show that I have not always acted in a ruffianly mannerunder these circumstances. It seems rather to depend upon how thething is done--the mood of the performer--his mental state. Had Mr. Belknap-Jackson been--pardon me--quite drunk, I feel that the outcomewould have been happier for us all. So far as I have thought alongthese lines, it seems to me that if one is to be kicked at all, onemust be kicked good-naturedly. I mean to say, with a certaincamaraderie, a lightness, a gayety, a genuine good-will that for themoment expresses itself uncouthly--an element, I regret to say, thatwas conspicuously lacking from the brief activities of Mr. Belknap-Jackson. "

"I never heard such crazy talk, " responded Mrs. Effie, "and really Inever saw such a man as you are for wanting people to becomedisgustingly drunk. You made poor Cousin Egbert and Jeff Tuttle actlike beasts, and now nothing will satisfy you but that Charles shouldroll in the gutter. Such dissipated talk I never did hear, and poorCharles rarely taking anything but a single glass of wine, it upsetshim so; even our reception punch he finds too stimulating!"

I mean to say, the woman had cleanly missed my point, for never have Iadvocated the use of fermented liquors to excess; but I saw it was nogood trying to tell her this. 

"And the worst of it, " she went rapidly on, "Cousin Egbert here isacting stranger than I ever knew him to act. He swears if he can'tkeep you he'll never have another man, and you know yourself what thatmeans in his case--and Mrs. Pettengill saying she means to employ youherself if we let you go. Heaven knows what the poor woman can bethinking of! Oh, it's awful--and everything was going so beautifully. Of course Charles would simply never be brought to accept anapology----"

"I am only too anxious to make one, " I submitted. 

"Here's the poor fellow now, " said Cousin Egbert almost gleefully, andour host entered. He carried a patch over his right eye and was notattired for sport on the lake, but in a dark morning suit of quietlybeautiful lines that I thought showed a fine sense of the situation. He shot me one superior glance from his left eye and turned to Mrs. Effie. 

"I see you still harbour the ruffian?"

"I've just given him a call-down, " said Mrs. Effie, plainly ill atease, "and he says it was all because you were sober; that if you'dbeen in the state Lord Ivor Cradleigh was the time it happened atChaynes-Wotten he wouldn't have done anything to you, probably. "

"What's this, what's this? Lord Ivor Cradleigh--Chaynes-Wotten?" Theman seemed to be curiously interested by the mere names, in spite ofhimself. "His lordship was at Chaynes-Wotten for the shooting, Isuppose?" This, most amazingly, to me. 

"A house party at Whitsuntide, sir, " I explained. 

"Ah! And you say his lordship was----"

"Oh, quite, quite in his cups, sir. If I might explain, it was that, sir--its being done under circumstances and in a certain entirelygenial spirit of irritation to which I could take no offence, sir. Hislordship is a very decent sort, sir. I've known him intimately foryears. "

"Dear, dear!" he replied. "Too bad, too bad! And I dare say youthought me out of temper last night? Nothing of the sort. You shouldhave taken it in quite the same spirit as you did from Lord IvorCradleigh. "

"It seemed different, sir, " I said firmly. "If I may take the libertyof putting it so, I felt quite offended by your manner. I missed fromit at the most critical moment, as one might say, a certain urbanitythat I found in his lordship, sir. "

"Well, well, well! It's too bad, really. I'm quite aware that I show asort of brusqueness at times, but mind you, it's all on the surface. Had you known me as long as you've known his lordship, I dare sayyou'd have noticed the same rough urbanity in me as well. I ratherfancy some of us over here don't do those things so very differently. A few of us, at least. "

"I'm glad, indeed, to hear it, sir. It's only necessary to understandthat there is a certain mood in which one really cannot permit one'sself to be--you perceive, I trust. "

"Perfectly, perfectly, " said he, "and I can only express my regretthat you should have mistaken my own mood, which, I am confident, wasexactly the thing his lordship might have felt. "

"I gladly accept your apology, sir, " I returned quickly, "as I shouldhave accepted his lordship's had his manner permitted anymisapprehension on my part. And in return I wish to apologize mostcontritely for the phrase I applied to you just after it happened, sir. I rarely use strong language, but----"

"I remember hearing none, " said he. 

"I regret to say, sir, that I called you a blighted little mug----"

"You needn't have mentioned it, " he replied with just a trace ofsharpness, "and I trust that in future----"

"I am sure, sir, that in future you will give me no occasion tomisunderstand your intentions--no more than would his lordship, " Iadded as he raised his brows. 

Thus in a manner wholly unexpected was a frightful situation easedoff. 

"I'm so glad it's settled!" cried Mrs. Effie, who had listened almostbreathlessly to our exchange. 

"I fancy I settled it as Cradleigh would have--eh, Ruggles?" And theman actually smiled at me. 

"Entirely so, sir, " said I. 

"If only it doesn't get out, " said Mrs. Effie now. "We shouldn't wantit known in Red Gap. Think of the talk!"

"Certainly, " rejoined Mr. Belknap-Jackson jauntily, "we are all hereabove gossip about an affair of that sort. I am sure--" He broke offand looked uneasily at Cousin Egbert, who coughed into his hand andlooked out over the lake before he spoke. 

"What would I want to tell a thing like that for?" he demandedindignantly, as if an accusation had been made against him. But I sawhis eyes glitter with an evil light. 

An hour later I chanced to be with him in our detached hut, when theMixer entered. 

"What happened?" she demanded. 

"What do you reckon happened?" returned Cousin Egbert. "They get totalking about Lord Ivy Craddles, or some guy, and before we know itMr. Belknap Hyphen Jackson is apologizing to Bill here. "

"No?" bellowed the Mixer. 

"Sure did he!" affirmed Cousin Egbert. 

Here they grasped each other's arms and did a rude native dance aboutthe room, nor did they desist when I sought to explain that the namewas not at all Ivy Craddles. 

CHAPTER SEVEN

Now once more it seemed that for a time I might lead a sanely orderedexistence. Not for long did I hope it. I think I had become resignedto the unending series of shocks that seemed to compose the daily lifein North America. Few had been my peaceful hours since that fatalevening in Paris. And the shocks had become increasingly violent. WhenI tried to picture what the next might be I found myself shuddering. For the present, like a stag that has eluded the hounds but hearstheir distant baying, I lay panting in momentary security, gatheringbreath for some new course. I mean to say, one couldn't tell whatmight happen next. Again and again I found myself coming all overfrightened. 

Wholly restored I was now in the esteem of Mr. Belknap-Jackson, whonever tired of discussing with me our own life and people. Indeed hewas quite the most intelligent foreigner I had encountered. I may seemto exaggerate in the American fashion, but I doubt if a single one ofthe others could have named the counties of England or the presentLord Mayor of London. Our host was not like that. Also he early gaveme to know that he felt quite as we do concerning the rebellion of ourAmerican colonies, holding it a matter for the deepest regret; andjustly proud he was of the circumstance that at the time of thatrebellion his own family had put all possible obstacles in the way ofthe traitorous Washington. To be sure, I dare say he may have boasteda bit in this. 

It was during the long journey across America which we now set outupon that I came to this sympathetic understanding of his characterand of the chagrin he constantly felt at being compelled to live amongpeople with whom he could have as little sympathy as I myself had. 

This journey began pleasantly enough, and through the farming countiesof Philadelphia, Ohio, and Chicago was not without interest. Beyondcame an incredibly large region, much like the steppes of Siberia, Ifancy: vast uninhabited stretches of heath and down, with but here andthere some rude settlement about which the poor peasants would eagerlyassemble as our train passed through. I could not wonder that our owntravellers have always spoken so disparagingly of the Americancivilization. It is a country that would never do with us. 

Although we lived in this train a matter of nearly four days, I fancynot a single person dressed for dinner as one would on shipboard. EvenBelknap-Jackson dined in a lounge-suit, though he wore glovesconstantly by day, which was more than I could get Cousin Egbert todo. 

As we went ever farther over these leagues of fen and fell and rollingveldt, I could but speculate unquietly as to what sort of place theRed Gap must be. A residential town for gentlemen and families, I hadunderstood, with a little colony of people that really mattered, as Ihad gathered from Mrs. Effie. And yet I was unable to divine theirobject in going so far away to live. One goes to distant places forthe winter sports or for big game shooting, but this seemed rathergrotesquely perverse. 

Little did I then dream of the spiritual agencies that were to insuremy gradual understanding of the town and its people. Unsuspectingly Ifronted a future so wildly improbable that no power could have made mecredit it had it then been foretold by the most rarely endowed gypsy. It is always now with a sort of terror that I look back to those lastmoments before my destiny had unfolded far enough to be actuallyalarming. I was as one floating in fancied security down the calmriver above their famous Niagara Falls--to be presently dashed withoutwarning over the horrible verge. I mean to say, I never suspected. 

Our last day of travel arrived. We were now in a roughened and mostuntidy welter of mountain and jungle and glen, with violent tarns andbleak bits of moorland that had all too evidently never known thecalming touch of the landscape gardener; a region, moreover, peopledby a much more lawless appearing peasantry than I had observed back inthe Chicago counties, people for the most part quite wretchedly gottenup and distinctly of the lower or working classes. 

Late in the afternoon our train wound out of a narrow cutting and intoa valley that broadened away on every hand to distant mountains. Beyond doubt this prospect could, in a loose way of speaking, becalled scenery, but of too violent a character it was for cultivatedtastes. Then, as my eye caught the vague outlines of a settlement orvillage in the midst of this valley, Cousin Egbert, who also lookedfrom, the coach window, amazed me by crying out:

"There she is--little old Red Gap! The fastest growing town in theState, if any one should ask you. "

"Yes, sir; I'll try to remember, sir, " I said, wondering why I shouldbe asked this. 

"Garden spot of the world, " he added in a kind of ecstasy, to which Imade no response, for this was too preposterous. Nearing the place ourtrain passed an immense hoarding erected by the roadway, a score offeet high, I should say, and at least a dozen times as long, uponwhich was emblazoned in mammoth red letters on a black ground, "_Keep Your Eye on Red Gap!_" At either end of this lettering waspainted a gigantic staring human eye. Regarding this monstrosity withstartled interest, I heard myself addressed by Belknap-Jackson:

"The sort of vulgarity I'm obliged to contend with, " said he, with acontemptuous gesture toward the hoarding. Indeed the thing lackedrefinement in its diction, while the painted eyes were not Art in anytrue sense of the word. "The work of our precious Chamber ofCommerce, " he added, "though I pleaded with them for days and days. "

"It's a sort of thing would never do with us, sir, " I said. 

"It's what one has to expect from a commercialized bourgeoise, " hereturned bitterly. "And even our association, 'The City Beautiful, ' ofwhich I was president, helped to erect the thing. Of course I resignedat once. "

"Naturally, sir; the colours are atrocious. "

"And the words a mere blatant boast!" He groaned and left me, for wewere now well into a suburb of detached villas, many of them of asqualid character, and presently we had halted at the station. Aboutthis bleak affair was the usual gathering of peasantry and the commonpeople, villagers, agricultural labourers, and the like, and these atonce showed a tremendous interest in our party, many of them hailingvarious members of us with a quite offensive familiarity. 

Belknap-Jackson, of course, bore himself through this with a properaloofness, as did his wife and Mrs. Effie, but I heard the Mixerbooming salutations right and left. It was Cousin Egbert, however, whomost embarrassed me by the freedom of his manner with these persons. He shook hands warmly with at least a dozen of them and these hailedhim with rude shouts, dealt him smart blows on the back and, forming acircle about him, escorted him to a carriage where Mrs. Effie and Iawaited him. Here the driver, a loutish and familiar youth, alsoseized his hand and, with some crude effect of oratory, shouted to thecrowd. 

"What's the matter with Sour-dough?" To this, with a flourish of theirimpossible hats, they quickly responded in unison, "He's all right!" accenting the first word terrifically. 

Then, to the immense relief of Mrs. Effie and myself, he was releasedand we were driven quickly off from the raffish set. Through theirRegent and Bond streets we went, though I mean to say they were on anunbelievably small or village scale, to an outlying region of detachedvillas that doubtless would be their St. John's Wood, but my effortsto observe closely were distracted by the extraordinary freedom withwhich our driver essayed to chat with us, saying he "guessed" we wereglad to get back to God's country, and things of a similar intimatenature. This was even more embarrassing to Mrs. Effie than it was tome, since she more than once felt obliged to answer the fellow with afeigned cordiality. 

Relieved I was when we drew up before the town house of the Flouds. Set well back from the driveway in a faded stretch of common, it wasof rather a garbled architecture, with the Tudor, late Gothic, andFrench Renaissance so intermixed that one was puzzled to separate theperiods. Nor was the result so vast as this might sound. Hardly wouldthe thing have made a wing of the manor house at Chaynes-Wotten. Thecommon or small park before it was shielded from the main thoroughfareby a fence of iron palings, and back of this on either side of agravelled walk that led to the main entrance were two life-sized stagsnot badly sculptured from metal. 

Once inside I began to suspect that my position was going to be morethan a bit dicky. I mean to say, it was not an establishment in oursense of the word, being staffed, apparently, by two China persons whoperformed the functions of cook, housemaids, footmen, butler, andhousekeeper. There was not even a billiard room. 

During the ensuing hour, marked by the arrival of our luggage and theunpacking of boxes, I meditated profoundly over the difficulties of mysituation. In a wilderness, beyond the confines of civilization, Iwould undoubtedly be compelled to endure the hardships of the pioneer;yet for the present I resolved to let no inkling of my dismay escape. 

The evening meal over--dinner in but the barest technical sense--I satalone in my own room, meditating thus darkly. Nor was I at all cheeredby the voice of Cousin Egbert, who sang in his own room adjoining. Ihad found this to be a habit of his, and his songs are always dolorousto the last degree. Now, for example, while life seemed all too blackto me, he sang a favourite of his, the pathetic ballad of two smallchildren evidently begging in a business thoroughfare:

 "Lone and weary through the streets we wander, For we have no place to lay our head; Not a friend is left on earth to shelter us, For both our parents now are dead. "

It was a fair crumpler in my then mood. It made me wish to be out ofNorth America--made me long for London; London with a yellow fog andits greasy pavements, where one knew what to apprehend. I wanted himto stop, but still he atrociously sang in his high, cracked voice:

 "Dear mother died when we were both young, And father built for us a home, But now he's killed by falling timbers, And we are left here all alone. "

I dare say I should have rushed madly into the night had there beenanother verse, but now he was still. A moment later, however, heentered nay room with the suggestion that I stroll about the villagestreets with him, he having a mission to perform for Mrs. Effie. I hadalready heard her confide this to him. He was to proceed to the officeof their newspaper and there leave with the press chap a notice of ourarrival which from day to day she had been composing on the train. 

"I just got to leave this here piece for the _Recorder_, " hesaid; "then we can sasshay up and down for a while and meet some ofthe boys. "

How profoundly may our whole destiny be affected by the mood of anidle moment; by some superficial indecision, mere fruit of a transientunrest. We lightly debate, we hesitate, we yawn, unconscious of thebrink. We half-heartedly decline a suggested course, then lightlyaccept from sheer ennui, and "life, " as I have read in a quitemeritorious poem, "is never the same again. " It was thus I now toyedthere with my fate in my hands, as might a child have toyed with abauble. I mean to say, I was looking for nothing thick. 

"She's wrote a very fancy piece for that newspaper, " Cousin Egbertwent on, handing me the sheets of manuscript. Idly I glanced down thepages. 

"Yesterday saw the return to Red Gap of Mrs. Senator James Knox Floudand Egbert G. Floud from their extensive European tour, " it began. Farther I caught vagrant lines, salient phrases: "--the well-knownsocial leader of our North Side set ... Planning a series ofentertainments for the approaching social season that promise toeclipse all previous gayeties of Red Gap's smart set ... Holding thereins of social leadership with a firm grasp ... Distinguished for hersocial graces and tact as a hostess ... Their palatial home on OphirAvenue, the scene of so much of the smart social life that hasdistinguished our beautiful city. "

It left me rather unmoved from my depression, even the concludingnote: "The Flouds are accompanied by their English manservant, securedthrough the kind offices of the brother of his lordship Earl ofBrinstead, the well-known English peer, who will no doubt do much toimpart to the coming functions that air of smartness whichdistinguishes the highest social circles of London, Paris, and othercapitals of the great world of fashion. "

"Some mess of words, that, " observed Cousin Egbert, and it did indeedseem to be rather intimately phrased. 

"Better come along with me, " he again urged. There was a moment'sfateful silence, then, quite mechanically, I arose and prepared toaccompany him. In the hall below I handed him his evening stick andgloves, which he absently took from me, and we presently traversedthat street of houses much in the fashion of the Floud house andnearly all boasting some sculptured bit of wild life on theirterraces. 

It was a calm night of late summer; all Nature seemed at peace. Ilooked aloft and reflected that the same stars were shining upon thecivilization I had left so far behind. As we walked I lost myself inmusing pensively upon this curious astronomical fact and upon thefurther vicissitudes to which I would surely be exposed. I comparedmyself whimsically to an explorer chap who has ventured among a tribeof natives and who must seem to adopt their weird manners and customsto save himself from their fanatic violence. 

From this I was aroused by Cousin Egbert, who, with sudden dismayregarding his stick and gloves, uttered a low cry of anguish andthrust them into my hands before I had divined his purpose. 

"You'll have to tote them there things, " he swiftly explained. "Iforgot where I was. " I demurred sharply, but he would not listen. 

"I didn't mind it so much in Paris and Europe, where I ain't so verywell known, but my good gosh! man, this is my home town. You'll haveto take them. People won't notice it in you so much, you being aforeigner, anyway. "

Without further objection I wearily took them, finding a desperatedrollery in being regarded as a foreigner, whereas I was simply aloneamong foreigners; but I knew that Cousin Egbert lacked the subtlety tograsp this point of view and made no effort to lay it before him. Itwas clear to me then, I think, that he would forever remain sociallyimpossible, though perhaps no bad sort from a mere human point ofview. 

We continued our stroll, turning presently from this residentialavenue to a street of small unlighted shops, and from this into awider and brilliantly lighted thoroughfare of larger shops, where mycompanion presently began to greet native acquaintances. And now oncemore he affected that fashion of presenting me to his friends that Ihad so deplored in Paris. His own greeting made, he would call outheartily: "Shake hands with my friend Colonel Ruggles!" Nor would heheed my protests at this, so that in sheer desperation I presentlyceased making them, reflecting that after all we were encountering thestreet classes of the town. 

At a score of such casual meetings I was thus presented, for he seemedto know quite almost every one and at times there would be a group ofnatives about us on the pavement. Twice we went into "saloons, " asthey rather pretentiously style their public houses, where CousinEgbert would stand the drinks for all present, not omitting each timeto present me formally to the bar-man. In all these instances I was atonce asked what I thought of their town, which was at first ratherembarrassing, as I was confident that any frank disclosure of myopinion, being necessarily hurried, might easily be misunderstood. Iat length devised a conventional formula of praise which, althoughfeeling a frightful fool, I delivered each time thereafter. 

Thus we progressed the length of their commercial centre, theincidents varying but little. 

"Hello, Sour-dough, you old shellback! When did you come off thetrail?"

"Just got in. My lands! but it's good to be back. Billy, shake handswith my friend Colonel Ruggles. "

I mean to say, the persons were not all named "Billy, " that being usedonly by way of illustration. Sometimes they would be called "Doc" or"Hank" or "Al" or "Chris. " Nor was my companion invariably called"shellback. " "Horned-toad" and "Stinging-lizard" were also epithetsmuch in favour with his friends. 

At the end of this street we at length paused before the office, as Isaw, of "The Red Gap _Recorder_; Daily and Weekly. " Cousin Egbertentered here, but came out almost at once. 

"Henshaw ain't there, and she said I got to be sure and give him thishere piece personally; so come on. He's up to a lawn-feet. "

"A social function, sir?" I asked. 

"No; just a lawn-feet up in Judge Ballard's front yard to raise moneyfor new uniforms for the band--that's what the boy said in there. "

"But would it not be highly improper for me to appear there, sir?" Iat once objected. "I fear it's not done, sir. "

"Shucks!" he insisted, "don't talk foolish that way. You're a peach ofa little mixer all right. Come on! Everybody goes. They'll even let mein. I can give this here piece to Henshaw and then we'll spend alittle money to help the band-boys along. "

My misgivings were by no means dispelled, yet as the affair seemed tobe public rather than smart, I allowed myself to be led on. 

Into another street of residences we turned, and after a brisk walk Iwas able to identify the "front yard" of which my companion hadspoken. The strains of an orchestra came to us and from the trees andshrubbery gleamed the lights of paper lanterns. I could discern tentsand marquees, a throng of people moving among them. Nearer, I observeda refreshment pavilion and a dancing platform. 

Reaching the gate, Cousin Egbert paid for us an entrance fee of twoshillings to a young lady in gypsy costume whom he greeted cordiallyas Beryl Mae, not omitting to present me to her as Colonel Ruggles. 

We moved into the thick of the crowd. There was much laughter andhearty speech, and it at once occurred to me that Cousin Egbert hadbeen right: it would not be an assemblage of people that mattered, butrather of small tradesmen, artisans, tenant-farmers and the like withwhom I could properly mingle. 

My companion was greeted by several of the throng, to whom he in turnpresented me, among them after a bit to a slight, reddish-beardedperson wearing thick nose-glasses whom I understood to be the pressmanwe were in search of. Nervous of manner he was and preoccupied with anotebook in which he frantically scribbled items from time to time. Yet no sooner was I presented to him than he began a quizzing sort ofconversation with me that lasted near a half-hour, I should say. Veryinterested he seemed to hear of my previous life, having in fullmeasure that naïve curiosity about one which Americans take so littlepains to hide. Like the other natives I had met that evening, he wasespecially concerned to know what I thought of Red Gap. The chat wasnot at all unpleasant, as he seemed to be a well-informed person, andit was not without regret that I noted the approach of Cousin Egbertin company with a pleasant-faced, middle-aged lady in Oriental garb, carrying a tambourine. 

"Mrs. Ballard, allow me to make you acquainted with my friend ColonelRuggles!" Thus Cousin Egbert performed his ceremony. The lady graspedmy hand with great cordiality. 

"You men have monopolized the Colonel long enough, " she began with alarge coquetry that I found not unpleasing, and firmly grasping my armshe led me off in the direction of the refreshment pavilion, where Iwas playfully let to know that I should purchase her bits ofrefreshment, coffee, plum-cake, an ice, things of that sort. Throughit all she kept up a running fire of banter, from time to timepresenting me to other women young and old who happened about us, allof whom betrayed an interest in my personality that was notunflattering, even from this commoner sort of the town's people. 

Nor would my new friend release me when she had refreshed herself, buthad it that I must dance with her. I had now to confess that I wasunskilled in the native American folk dances which I had observedbeing performed, whereupon she briskly chided me for my backwardness, but commanded a valse from the musicians, and this we danced together. 

I may here say that I am not without a certain finesse on thedancing-floor and I rather enjoyed the momentary abandon with thisvillage worthy. Indeed I had rather enjoyed the whole affair, though Ifelt that my manner was gradually marking me as one apart from thenatives; made conscious I was of a more finished, a suaver formalityin myself--the Mrs. Ballard I had met came at length to be by way oftapping me coquettishly with her tambourine in our lighter moments. Also my presence increasingly drew attention, more and more of thevillage belles and matrons demanding in their hearty way to bepresented to me. Indeed the society was vastly more enlivening, Ireflected, than I had found it in a similar walk of life at home. 

Rather regretfully I left with Cousin Egbert, who found me at last inone of the tents having my palm read by the gypsy young person who hadtaken our fees at the gate. Of course I am aware that she was probablywithout any real gifts for this science, as so few are who undertakeit at charity bazaars, yet she told me not a few things that weresignificant: that my somewhat cold exterior and air of sternness werebut a mask to shield a too-impulsive nature; that I possessed greatfirmness of character and was fond of Nature. She added peculiarly atthe last "I see trouble ahead, but you are not to be downcast--theskies will brighten. "

It was at this point that Cousin Egbert found me, and after he hadwarned the young woman that I was "some mixer" we departed. Not untilwe had reached the Floud home did he discover that he had quiteforgotten to hand the press-chap Mrs. Effie's manuscript. 

"Dog on the luck!" said he in his quaint tone of exasperation, "hereI've went and forgot to give Mrs. Effie's piece to the editor. " Hesighed ruefully. "Well, to-morrow's another day. "

And so the die was cast. To-morrow was indeed another day!

Yet I fell asleep on a memory of the evening that brought me a sort ofshamed pleasure--that I had falsely borne the stick and gloves ofCousin Egbert. I knew they had given me rather an air. 

CHAPTER EIGHT

I have never been able to recall the precise moment the next morningwhen I began to feel a strange disquietude but the opening hours of theday were marked by a series of occurrences slight in themselves yet socumulatively ominous that they seemed to lower above me like a cloudof menace. 

Looking from my window, shortly after the rising hour, I observed apaper boy pass through the street, whistling a popular melody as heran up to toss folded journals into doorways. Something I cannotexplain went through me even then; some premonition of disasterslinking furtively under my casual reflection that even in this remotewild the public press was not unknown. 

Half an hour later the telephone rang in a lower room and I heard Mrs. Effie speak in answer. An unusual note in her voice caused me tolisten more attentively. I stepped outside my door. To some one shewas expressing amazement, doubt, and quick impatience which seemed toculminate, after she had again, listened, in a piercing cry ofconsternation. The term is not too strong. Evidently by the unknownspeaker she had been first puzzled, then startled, then horrified; andnow, as her anguished cry still rang in my ears, that snakypremonition of evil again writhed across my consciousness. 

Presently I heard the front door open and close. Peering into thehallway below I saw that she had secured the newspaper I had seendropped. Her own door now closed upon her. I waited, listeningintently. Something told me that the incident was not closed. A briefinterval elapsed and she was again at the telephone, excitedlydemanding to be put through to a number. 

"Come at once!" I heard her cry. "It's unspeakable! There isn't amoment to lose! Come as you are!" Hereupon, banging the receiver intoits place with frenzied roughness, she ran halfway up the stairs toshout:

"Egbert Floud! Egbert Floud! You march right down here this minute, sir!"

From his room I heard an alarmed response, and a moment later knewthat he had joined her. The door closed upon them, but high wordsreached me. Mostly the words of Mrs. Effie they were, though I coulddetect muffled retorts from the other. Wondering what this couldportend, I noted from my window some ten minutes later the hurriedarrival of the C. Belknap-Jacksons. The husband clenched a crumplednewspaper in one hand and both he and his wife betrayed signs to thetrained eye of having performed hasty toilets for this early call. 

As the door of the drawing-room closed upon them there ensued aterrific outburst carrying a rich general effect of astounded rage. Some moments the sinister chorus continued, then a door sharply openedand I heard my own name cried out by Mrs. Effie in a tone that causedme to shudder. Rapidly descending the stairs, I entered the room toface the excited group. Cousin Egbert crouched on a sofa in a farcorner like a hunted beast, but the others were standing, and allglared at me furiously. 

The ladies addressed me simultaneously, one of them, I believe, askingme what I meant by it and the other demanding how dared I, which hadthe sole effect of adding to my bewilderment, nor did the words ofCousin Egbert diminish this. 

"Hello, Bill!" he called, adding with a sort of timid bravado: "Don'tyou let 'em bluff you, not for a minute!"

"Yes, and it was probably all that wretched Cousin Egbert's fault inthe first place, " snapped Mrs. Belknap-Jackson almost tearfully. 

"Say, listen here, now; I don't see as how I've done anything wrong, "he feebly protested. "Bill's human, ain't he? Answer me that!"

"One sees it all!" This from Belknap-Jackson in bitter and judicialtones. He flung out his hands at Cousin Egbert in a gesture ofpitiless scorn. "I dare say, " he continued, "that poor Ruggles wasmerely a tool in his hands--weak, possibly, but not vicious. "

"May I inquire----" I made bold to begin, but Mrs. Effie shut me off, brandishing the newspaper before me. 

"Read it!" she commanded in hoarse, tragic tones. "There!" she added, pointing at monstrous black headlines on the page as I weakly took itfrom her. And then I saw. There before them, divining now the enormityof what had come to pass, I controlled myself to master the followingscreed:

 RED GAP'S DISTINGUISHED VISITOR

 Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles of London and Paris, late of the British army, bon-vivant and man of the world, is in our midst for an indefinite stay, being at present the honoured house guest of Senator and Mrs. James Knox Floud, who returned from foreign parts on the 5:16 flyer yesterday afternoon. Colonel Ruggles has long been intimately associated with the family of his lordship the Earl of Brinstead, and especially with his lordship's brother, the Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell, with whom he has recently been sojourning in la belle France. In a brief interview which the Colonel genially accorded ye scribe, he expressed himself as delighted with our thriving little city. 

 "It's somewhat a town--if I've caught your American slang, " he said with a merry twinkle in his eyes. "You have the garden spot of the West, if not of the civilized world, and your people display a charm that must be, I dare say, typically American. Altogether, I am enchanted with the wonders I have beheld since landing at your New York, particularly with the habit your best people have of roughing it in camps like that of Mr. C. Belknap-Jackson among the mountains of New York, where I was most pleasantly entertained by himself and his delightful wife. The length of my stay among you is uncertain, though I have been pressed by the Flouds, with whom I am stopping, and by the C. Belknap-Jacksons to prolong it indefinitely, and in fact to identify myself to an extent with your social life. "

 The Colonel is a man of distinguished appearance, with the seasoned bearing of an old campaigner, and though at moments he displays that cool reserve so typical of the English gentleman, evidence was not lacking last evening that he can unbend on occasion. At the lawn fête held in the spacious grounds of Judge Ballard, where a myriad Japanese lanterns made the scene a veritable fairyland, he was quite the most sought-after notable present, and gayly tripped the light fantastic toe with the élite of Red Gap's smart set there assembled. 

 From his cordial manner of entering into the spirit of the affair we predict that Colonel Ruggles will be a decided acquisition to our social life, and we understand that a series of recherché entertainments in his honour has already been planned by Mrs. County Judge Ballard, who took the distinguished guest under her wing the moment he appeared last evening. Welcome to our city, Colonel! And may the warm hearts of Red Gap cause you to forget that European world of fashion of which you have long been so distinguished an ornament!

In a sickening silence I finished the thing. As the absurd sheet fellfrom my nerveless fingers Mrs. Effie cried in a voice hoarse withemotion:

"Do you realize the dreadful thing you've done to us?"

Speechless I was with humiliation, unequal even to protesting that Ihad said nothing of the sort to the press-chap. I mean to say, he hadwretchedly twisted my harmless words. 

"Have you nothing to say for yourself?" demanded Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, also in a voice hoarse with emotion. I glanced at her husband. He, too, was pale with anger and trembling, so that I fancied he dared nottrust himself to speak. 

"The wretched man, " declared Mrs. Effie, addressing them all, "simplycan't realize--how disgraceful it is. Oh, we shall never be able tolive it down!"

"Imagine those flippant Spokane sheets dressing up the thing, " hissedBelknap-Jackson, speaking for the first time. "Imagine theirblackguardly humour!"

"And that awful Cousin Egbert, " broke in Mrs. Effie, pointing adesperate finger toward him. "Think of the laughing-stock he'llbecome! Why, he'll simply never be able to hold up his head again. "

"Say, you listen here, " exclaimed Cousin Egbert with sudden heat;"never you mind about my head. I always been able to hold up my headany time I felt like it. " And again to me he threw out, "Don't you let'em bluff you, Bill!"

"I gave him a notice for the paper, " explained Mrs. Effie plaintively;"I'd written it all nicely out to save them time in the office, andthat would have prevented this disgrace, but he never gave it in. "

"I clean forgot it, " declared the offender. "What with one thing andanother, and gassing back and forth with some o' the boys, it kind ofwent out o' my head. "

"Meeting our best people--actually dancing with them!" murmured Mrs. Belknap-Jackson in a voice vibrant with horror. "My dear, I truly amso sorry for you. "

"You people entertained him delightfully at your camp, " murmured Mrs. Effie quickly in her turn, with a gesture toward the journal. 

"Oh, we're both in it, I know. I know. It's appalling!"

"We'll never be able to live it down!" said Mrs. Effie. "We shall haveto go away somewhere. "

"Can't you imagine what Jen' Ballard will say when she learns thetruth?" asked the other bitterly. "Say we did it on purpose tohumiliate her, and just as all our little scraps were being smoothedout, so we could get together and put that Bohemian set in its place. Oh, it's so dreadful!" On the verge of tears she seemed. 

"And scarcely a word mentioned of our own return--when I'd taken suchpains with the notice!"

"Listen here!" said Cousin Egbert brightly. "I'll take the piece downnow and he can print it in his paper for you to-morrow. "

"You can't understand, " she replied impatiently. "I casually mentionedour having brought an English manservant. Print that now and insultall our best people who received him!"

"Pathetic how little the poor chap understands, " sighedBelknap-Jackson. "No sense at all of our plight--naturally, naturally!"

"'A series of entertainments being planned in his honour!'" quaveredMrs. Belknap-Jackson. 

"'The most sought-after notable present!'" echoed Mrs. Effieviciously. 

Again and again I had essayed to protest my innocence, only to provokerenewed outbursts. I could but stand there with what dignity Iretained and let them savage me. Cousin Egbert now spoke again:

"Shucks! What's all the fuss? Just because I took Bill out and givehim a good time! Didn't you say yourself in that there very piece thathe'd impart to coming functions an air of smartiness like they haveall over Europe? Didn't you write them very words? And ain't healready done it the very first night he gets here, right at that therelawn-feet where I took him? What for do you jump on me then? I tookhim and he done it; he done it good. Bill's a born mixer. Why, he hadall them North Side society dames stung the minute I flashed him;after him quicker than hell could scorch a feather; run out from undertheir hats to get introduced to him--and now you all turn on me like apassel of starved wolves. " He finished with a note of genuineirritation I had never heard in his voice. 

"The poor creature's demented, " remarked Mrs. Belknap-Jacksonpityingly. 

"Always been that way, " said Mrs. Effie hopelessly. 

Belknap-Jackson contented himself with a mere clicking sound ofcommiseration. 

"All right, then, if you're so smart, " continued Cousin Egbert. "Justthe same Bill, here, is the most popular thing in the whole KulancheValley this minute, so all I got to say is if you want to play thishere society game you better stick close by him. First thing you know, some o' them other dames'll have him won from you. That Mis' Ballard'sgoing to invite him to supper or dinner or some other doings rightaway. I heard her say so. "

To my amazement a curious and prolonged silence greeted this amazingtirade. The three at length were regarding each other almostfurtively. Belknap-Jackson began to pace the floor in deep thought. 

"After all, no one knows except ourselves, " he said in curiouslyhushed tones at last. 

"Of course it's one way out of a dreadful mess, " observed his wife. 

"Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles of the British army, " said Mrs. Effie in apeculiar tone, as if she were trying over a song. 

"It may indeed be the best way out of an impossible situation, "continued Belknap-Jackson musingly. "Otherwise we face a socialupheaval that might leave us demoralized for years--say nothing ofmaking us a laughingstock with the rabble. In fact, I see nothing elseto be done. "

"Cousin Egbert would be sure to spoil it all again, " objected Mrs. Effie, glaring at him. 

"No danger, " returned the other with his superior smile. "Being quiteunable to realize what has happened, he will be equally unable torealize what is going to happen. We may speak before him as before ababe in arms; the amenities of the situation are forever beyond him. "

"I guess I always been able to hold up my head when I felt like it, "put in Cousin Egbert, now again both sullen and puzzled. Once more hethrew out his encouragement to me: "Don't let 'em run any bluffs, Bill! They can't touch you, and they know it. "

"'Touch him, '" murmured Mrs. Belknap-Jackson with an able sneer. "Mydear, what a trial he must have been to you. I never knew. He's as badas the mater, actually. "

"And such hopes I had of him in Paris, " replied Mrs. Effie, "when hewas taking up Art and dressing for dinner and everything!"

"I can be pushed just so far!" muttered the offender darkly. 

There was now a ring at the door which I took the liberty ofanswering, and received two notes from a messenger. One bore theaddress of Mrs. Floud and the other was quite astonishingly to myself, the name preceded by "Colonel. "

"That's Jen' Ballard's stationery!" cried Mrs. Belknap-Jackson. "Trusther not to lose one second in getting busy!"

"But he mustn't answer the door that way, " exclaimed her husband as Ihanded Mrs. Effie her note. 

They were indeed both from my acquaintance of the night before. Receiving permission to read my own, I found it to be a dinnerinvitation for the following Friday. Mrs. Effie looked up from hers. 

"It's all too true, " she announced grimly. "We're asked to dinner andshe earnestly hopes dear Colonel Ruggles will have made no otherengagement. She also says hasn't he the darlingest English accent. Oh, isn't it a mess!"

"You see how right I am, " said Belknap-Jackson. 

"I guess we've got to go through with it, " conceded Mrs. Effie. 

"The pushing thing that Ballard woman is!" observed her friend. 

"Ruggles!" exclaimed Belknap-Jackson, addressing me with suddendecision. 

"Yes, sir. "

"Listen carefully--I'm quite serious. In future you will try toaddress me as if I were your equal. Ah! rather you will try to addressme as if you were _my_ equal. I dare say it will come to youeasily after a bit of practice. Your employers will wish you toaddress them in the same manner. You will cultivate toward us a mannerof easy friendliness--remember I'm entirely serious--quite as if youwere one of us. You must try to be, in short, the Colonel MarmadukeRuggles that wretched penny-a-liner has foisted upon these innocentpeople. We shall thus avert a most humiliating contretemps. "

The thing fair staggered me. I fell weakly into the chair by which Ihad stood, for the first time in a not uneventful career feeling thatmy _savoir faire_ had been overtaxed. 

"Quite right, " he went on. "Be seated as one of us, " and he amazinglyproffered me his cigarette case. "Do take one, old chap, " he insistedas I weakly waved it away, and against my will I did so. "Dare sayyou'll fancy them--a non-throat cigarette especially prescribed forme. " He now held a match so that I was obliged to smoke. Never have Ibeen in less humour for it. 

"There, not so hard, is it? You see, we're getting on famously. "

"Ain't I always said Bill was a good mixer?" called Cousin Egbert, buthis gaucherie was pointedly ignored. 

"Now, " continued Belknap-Jackson, "suppose you tell us in a chatty, friendly way just what you think about this regrettable affair. " Allsat forward interestedly. 

"But I met what I supposed were your villagers, " I said; "your smalltradesmen, your artisans, clerks, shop-assistants, tenant-farmers, andthe like, I'd no idea in the world they were your county families. Seemed quite a bit too jolly for that. And your press-chap--preposterous, quite! He quizzed me rather, I admit, but he made it vastly different. Your pressmen are remarkable. That thing is a fair crumpler. "

"But surely, " put in Mrs. Effie, "you could see that Mrs. JudgeBallard must be one of our best people. "

"I saw she was a goodish sort, " I explained, "but it never occurred tome one would meet her in your best houses. And when she spoke ofentertaining me I fancied I might stroll by her cottage some fair dayand be asked in to a slice from one of her own loaves and a dish oftea. There was that about her. "

"Mercy!" exclaimed both ladies, Mrs. Belknap-Jackson adding a bitmaliciously I thought, "Oh, don't you awfully wish she could hear himsay it just that way?"

"As to the title, " I continued, "Mr. Egbert has from the first had acurious American tendency to present me to his many friends as'Colonel. ' I am sure he means as little by it as when he calls me'Bill, ' which I have often reminded him is not a name of mine. "

"Oh, we understand the poor chap is a social incompetent, " saidBelknap-Jackson with a despairing shrug. 

"Say, look here, " suddenly exclaimed Cousin Egbert, a new heat in histone, "what I call Bill ain't a marker to what I call you when Ireally get going. You ought to hear me some day when I'm feelingright!"

"Really!" exclaimed the other with elaborate sarcasm. 

"Yes, sir. Surest thing you know. I could call you a lot of goodthings right now if so many ladies wasn't around. You don't think I'dbe afraid, do you? Why, Bill there had you licked with one wallop. "

"But really, really!" protested the other with a helpless shrug to theladies, who were gasping with dismay. 

"You ruffian!" cried his wife. 

"Egbert Floud, " said Mrs. Effie fiercely, "you will apologize toCharles before you leave this room. The idea of forgetting yourselfthat way. Apologize at once!"

"Oh, very well, " he grumbled, "I apologize like I'm made to. " But headded quickly with even more irritation, "only don't you get the ideait's because I'm afraid of you. "

"Tush, tush!" said Belknap-Jackson. 

"No, sir; I apologize, but it ain't for one minute because I'm afraidof you. "

"Your bare apology is ample; I'm bound to accept it, " replied theother, a bit uneasily I thought. 

"Come right down to it, " continued Cousin Egbert, "I ain't afraid ofhardly any person. I can be pushed just so far. " Here he lookedsignificantly at Mrs. Effie. 

"After all I've tried to do for him!" she moaned. "I thought he hadsomething in him. "

"Darn it all, I like to be friendly with my friends, " he bluntlypersisted. "I call a man anything that suits me. And I ain't everapologized yet because I was afraid. I want all parties here to getthat. "

"Say no more, please. It's quite understood, " said Belknap-Jacksonhastily. The other subsided into low mutterings. 

"I trust you fully understand the situation, Ruggles--ColonelRuggles, " he continued to me. 

"It's preposterous, but plain as a pillar-box, " I answered. "I canonly regret it as keenly as any right-minded person should. It's notat all what I've been accustomed to. "

"Very well. Then I suggest that you accompany me for a drive thisafternoon. I'll call for you with the trap, say at three. "

"Perhaps, " suggested his wife, "it might be as well if Colonel Ruggleswere to come to us as a guest. " She was regarding me with a gaze thatwas frankly speculative. 

"Oh, not at all, not at all!" retorted Mrs. Effie crisply. "Havingbeen announced as our house guest--never do in the world for him to goto you so soon. We must be careful in this. Later, perhaps, my dear. "

Briefly the ladies measured each other with a glance. Could it be, Iasked myself, that they were sparring for the possession of me?

"Naturally he will be asked about everywhere, and there'll be loads ofentertaining to do in return. "

"Of course, " returned Mrs. Effie, "and I'd never think of putting itoff on to you, dear, when we're wholly to blame for the awful thing. "

"That's so thoughtful of you, dear, " replied her friend coldly. 

"At three, then, " said Belknap-Jackson as we arose. 

"I shall be delighted, " I murmured. 

"I bet you won't, " said Cousin Egbert sourly. "He wants to show youoff. " This, I could see, was ignored as a sheer indecency. 

"We shall have to get a reception in quick, " said Mrs. Effie, her eyesnarrowed in calculation. 

"I don't see what all the fuss was about, " remarked Cousin Egbertagain, as if to himself; "tearing me to pieces like a passel ofwolves!"

The Belknap-Jacksons left hastily, not deigning him a glance. And todo the poor soul justice, I believe he did not at all know what the"fuss" had been about. The niceties of the situation were beyond him, dear old sort though he had shown himself to be. I knew then I wasnever again to be harsh with him, let him dress as he would. 

"Say, " he asked, the moment we were alone, "you remember that thingyou called him back there that night--'blighted little mug, ' was it?"

"It's best forgotten, sir, " I said. 

"Well, sir, some way it sounded just the thing to call him. It soundedbully. What does it mean?"

So far was his darkened mind from comprehending that I, in a foreignland, among a weird people, must now have a go at being a gentleman;and that if I fluffed my catch we should all be gossipped to rags!

Alone in my room I made a hasty inventory of my wardrobe. Thanks tothe circumstance that the Honourable George, despite my warning, hadfor several years refused to bant, it was rather well stocked. Theevening clothes were irreproachable; so were the frock coat and amorning suit. Of waistcoats there were a number showing but slightwear. The three lounge-suits of tweed, though slightly demoded, wouldstill be vogue in this remote spot. For sticks, gloves, cravats, andbody-linen I saw that I should be compelled to levy on the store I hadlaid in for Cousin Egbert, and I happily discovered that his top-hatset me quite effectively. 

Also in a casket of trifles that had knocked about in my box I had thegood fortune to find the monocle that the Honourable George haddiscarded some years before on the ground that it was "ballynonsense. " I screwed the glass into my eye. The effect was tremendous. 

Rather a lark I might have thought it but for the false militarytitle. That was rank deception, and I have always regarded any sort ofwrongdoing as detestable. Perhaps if he had introduced me as a meresubaltern in a line regiment--but I was powerless. 

For the afternoon's drive I chose the smartest of the lounge-suits, aCarlsbad hat which Cousin Egbert had bitterly resented for himself, and for top-coat a light weight, straight-hanging Chesterfield withvelvet collar which, although the cut studiously avoids a fittedeffect, is yet a garment that intrigues the eye when carried with anydistinction. So many top-coats are but mere wrappings! I had, too, gloves of a delicately contrasting tint. 

Altogether I felt I had turned myself out well, and this I found to bethe verdict of Mrs. Effie, who engaged me in the hall to say that Iwas to have anything in the way of equipment I liked to ask for. Belknap-Jackson also, arriving now in a smart trap to which he drovetwo cobs tandem, was at once impressed and made me compliments upon mytenue. I was aware that I appeared not badly beside him. I mean tosay, I felt that I was vogue in the finest sense of the word. 

Mrs. Effie waved us a farewell from the doorway, and I was consciousthat from several houses on either side of the avenue we attractedmore than a bit of attention. There were doors opened, blinds pushedaside, faces--that sort of thing. 

At a leisurely pace we progressed through the main thoroughfares. Thatwe created a sensation, especially along the commercial streets, wheremy host halted at shops to order goods, cannot be denied. Furore isperhaps the word. I mean to say, almost quite every one stared. Rathermore like a parade it was than I could have wished, but I was againresolved to be a dead sportsman. 

Among those who saluted us from time to time were several of thelesser townsmen to whom Cousin Egbert had presented me the eveningbefore, and I now perceived that most of these were truly persons Imust not know in my present station--hodmen, road-menders, grooms, delivery-chaps, that sort. In responding to the often floridsalutations of such, I instilled into my barely perceptible nod acertain frigidity that I trusted might be informing. I mean to say, having now a position to keep up, it would never do at all to chatterand pal about loosely as Cousin Egbert did. 

When we had done a fairish number of streets, both of shops andvillas, we drove out a winding roadway along a tarn to the countryclub. The house was an unpretentious structure of native wood, fronting a couple of tennis courts and a golf links, but although itwas tea-time, not a soul was present. Having unlocked the door, myhost suggested refreshment and I consented to partake of a glass ofsherry and a biscuit. But these, it seemed, were not to be had; soover pegs of ginger ale, found in an ice-chest, we sat for a time andchatted. 

"You will find us crude, Ruggles, as I warned you, " my host observed. "Take this deserted clubhouse at this hour. It tells the story. Takeagain the matter of sherry and a biscuit--so simple! Yet no one everthinks of them, and what you mean by a biscuit is in this wretchedhole spoken of as a cracker. "

I thanked him for the item, resolving to add it to my list of curiousAmericanisms. Already I had begun a narrative of my adventures in thiswild land, a thing I had tentatively entitled, "Alone in NorthAmerica. "

"Though we have people in abundance of ample means, " he went on, "youwill regret to know that we have not achieved a leisured class. Barelyonce in a fortnight will you see this club patronized, after all thepains I took in its organization. They simply haven't evolved to theidea yet; sometimes I have moments in which I despair of their everdoing so. "

As usual he grew depressed when speaking of social Red Gap, so that wedid not tarry long in the silent place that should have been quitealive with people smartly having their tea. As we drove back hetouched briefly and with all delicacy on our changed relations. 

"What made me only too glad to consent to it, " he said, "is the soddendepravity of that Floud chap. Really he's a menace to the community. Isaw from the degenerate leer on his face this morning that he will notbe able to keep silent about that little affair of ours back there. Mark my words, he'll talk. And fancy how embarrassing had youcontinued in the office for which you were engaged. Fancy it beingknown I had been assaulted by a--you see what I mean. But now, let himtalk his vilest. What is it? A mere disagreement between twogentlemen, generous, hot-tempered chaps, followed by mutual apologies. A mere nothing!"

I was conscious of more than a little irritation at his manner ofspeaking of Cousin Egbert, but this in my new character I could hardlybetray. 

When he set me down at the Floud house, "Thanks for the breeze-out, " Isaid; then, with an easy wave of the hand and in firm tones, "Goodday, Jackson! See you again, old chap!"

I had nerved myself to it as to an icy tub and was rewarded by a glowsuch as had suffused me that morning in Paris after the shamefulproceedings with Cousin Egbert and the Indian Tuttle. I mean to say, Ifelt again that wonderful thrill of equality--quite as if my superiorswere not all about me. 

Inside the house Mrs. Effie addressed the last of a heap ofinvitations for an early reception--"To meet Colonel MarmadukeRuggles, " they read. 

CHAPTER NINE

Of the following fortnight I find it difficult to write coherently. Ifound myself in a steady whirl of receptions, luncheons, dinners, teas, and assemblies of rather a pretentious character, at the greaternumber of which I was obliged to appear as the guest of honour. Itbegan with the reception of Mrs. Floud, at which I may be said to havemade my first formal bow to the smarter element of Red Gap, followedby the dinner of the Mrs. Ballard, with whom I had formed acquaintanceon that first memorable evening. 

I was during this time like a babe at blind play with a set of chessmen, not knowing king from pawn nor one rule of the game. SenatorFloud--who was but a member of their provincial assembly, Idiscovered--sought an early opportunity to felicitate me on my changedestate, though he seemed not a little amused by it. 

"Good work!" he said. "You know I was afraid our having an Englishvalet would put me in bad with the voters this fall. They're alreadysaying I wear silk stockings since I've been abroad. My wife did buyme six pair, but I've never worn any. Shows how people talk, though. And even now they'll probably say I'm making up to the British army. But it's better than having a valet in the house. The plain peoplewould never stand my having a valet and I know it. "

I thought this most remarkable, that his constituency should resenthis having proper house service. American politics were, then, moredebased than even we of England had dreamed. 

"Good work!" he said again. "And say, take out your papers--become oneof us. Be a citizen. Nothing better than an American citizen on God'sgreen earth. Read the Declaration of Independence. Here----" From abookcase at his hand he reached me a volume. "Read and reflect, myman! Become a citizen of a country where true worth has always itschance and one may hope to climb to any heights whatsoever. " Quitelike an advertisement he talked, but I read their so-calledDeclaration, finding it snarky in the extreme and with no end of sillyrot about equality. In no way at all did it solve the problems bywhich I had been so suddenly confronted. 

Social lines in the town seemed to have been drawn by no rulewhatever. There were actually tradesmen who seemed to matterenormously; on the other hand, there were those of undoubtedqualifications, like Mrs. Pettengill, for example, and Cousin Egbert, who deliberately chose not to matter, and mingled as freely with theBohemian set as they did with the county families. Thus one couldnever be quite certain whom one was meeting. There was the Tuttleperson. I had learned from Mrs. Effie in Paris that he was an Indian(accounting for much that was startling in his behaviour there) yetdespite his being an aborigine I now learned that his was one of thecounty families and he and his white American wife were guests at thatfirst dinner. Throughout the meal both Cousin Egbert and he winkedatrociously at me whenever they could catch my eye. 

There was, again, an English person calling himself Hobbs, a baker, towhom Cousin Egbert presented me, full of delight at the idea that ascompatriots we were bound to be congenial. Yet it needed only a glanceand a moment's listening to the fellow's execrable cockney dialect toperceive that he was distinctly low-class, and I was immenselyrelieved, upon inquiry, to learn that he affiliated only with theBohemian set. I felt a marked antagonism between us at that firstmeeting; the fellow eyed me with frank suspicion and displayed a tastefor low chaffing which I felt bound to rebuke. He it was, I may nowdisclose, who later began a fashion of referring to me as "Lord Algy, "which I found in the worst possible taste. "Sets himself up for agentleman, does he? He ain't no more a gentleman than wot I be!" Thisspeech of his reported to me will show how impossible the creaturewas. He was simply a person one does not know, and I was not long inletting him see it. 

And there was the woman who was to play so active a part in my laterhistory, of whom it will be well to speak at once. I had remarked heron the main street before I knew her identity. I am bound to say shestood out from the other women of Red Gap by reason of a certain dash, not to say beauty. Rather above medium height and of pleasingly fullfigure, her face was piquantly alert, with long-lashed eyes of apeculiar green, a small nose, the least bit raised, a lifted chin, andan abundance of yellowish hair. But it was the expertness of hergowning that really held my attention at that first view, and the factthat she knew what to put on her head. For the most part, the ladies Ihad met were well enough gotten up yet looked curiously all wrong, lacking a genius for harmony of detail. 

This person, I repeat, displayed a taste that was faultless, aknowledge of the peculiar needs of her face and figure that wasunimpeachable. Rather with regret it was I found her to be a Mrs. Kenner, the leader of the Bohemian set. And then came the furtheritems that marked her as one that could not be taken up. Perhaps asummary of these may be conveyed when I say that she had long beenknown as Klondike Kate. She had some years before, it seemed, been adancing person in the far Alaska north and had there married theproprietor of one of the resorts in which she disported herself--a manwho had accumulated a very sizable fortune in his public house and whowas shot to death by one of his patrons who had alleged unfairness ina game of chance. The widow had then purchased a townhouse in Red Gapand had quickly gathered about her what was known as the Bohemian set, the county families, of course, refusing to know her. 

After that first brief study of her I could more easily account forthe undercurrents of bitterness I had felt in Red Gap society. Shewould be, I saw, a dangerous woman in any situation where she wasopposed; there was that about her--a sort of daring disregard of theestablished social order. I was not surprised to learn that the men ofthe community strongly favoured her, especially the younger dancingset who were not restrained by domestic considerations. Small wonderthen that the women of the "old noblesse, " as I may call them, wereoutspokenly bitter in their comments upon her. This I discovered whenI attended an afternoon meeting of the ladies' "Onwards and UpwardsClub, " which, I had been told, would be devoted to a study of theEnglish Lake poets, and where, it having been discovered that I readrather well, I had consented to favour the assembly with some of themore significant bits from these bards. The meeting, I regret to say, after a formal enough opening was diverted from its original purpose, the time being occupied in a quite heated discussion of a so-called"Dutch Supper" the Klondike person had given the evening before, thesame having been attended, it seemed, by the husbands of at leastthree of those present, who had gone incognito, as it were. At no timeduring the ensuing two hours was there a moment that seemed opportunefor the introduction of some of our noblest verse. 

And so, by often painful stages, did my education progress. At thecountry club I played golf with Mr. Jackson. At social affairs Iappeared with the Flouds. I played bridge. I danced the more dignifieddances. And, though there was no proper church in the town--onlydissenting chapels, Methodist, Presbyterian, and such outlandishpersuasions--I attended services each Sabbath, and more than once hadtea with what at home would have been the vicar of the parish. 

It was now, when I had begun to feel a bit at ease in my queer foreignenvironment, that Mr. Belknap-Jackson broached his ill-starred planfor amateur theatricals. At the first suggestion of this I wasimmensely taken with the idea, suspecting that he would perhapspresent "Hamlet, " a part to which I have devoted long and intelligentstudy and to which I feel that I could bring something which has notyet been imparted to it by even the most skilled of our professionalactors. But at my suggestion of this Mr. Belknap-Jackson informed methat he had already played Hamlet himself the year before, leavingnothing further to be done in that direction, and he wished now toattempt something more difficult; something, moreover, that wouldappeal to the little group of thinking people about us--he would have"a little theatre of ideas, " as he phrased it--and he had chosen forhis first offering a play entitled "Ghosts" by the foreign dramatistIbsen. 

I suspected at first that this might be a farce where a supposititiousghost brings about absurd predicaments in a country house, having seensomething along these lines, but a reading of the thing enlightened meas to its character, which, to put it bluntly, is rather thick. Thereis a strain of immorality running through it which I believe cannot betoo strongly condemned if the world is to be made better, and this isrendered the more repugnant to right-thinking people by the fact thatthe participants are middle-class persons who converse in quitecommonplace language such as one may hear any day in the home. 

Wrongdoing is surely never so objectionable as when it is indulged inby common people and talked about in ordinary language, and thelanguage of this play is not stage language at all. Immorality such asone gets in Shakespeare is of so elevated a character that one acceptsit, the language having a grandeur incomparably above what any personwas ever capable of in private life, being always elegant andunnatural. 

Though I felt this strongly, I was in no position to urge myobjections, and at length consented to take a part in the production, reflecting that the people depicted were really foreigners and thepart I would play was that of a clergyman whose behaviour throughoutis above reproach. For himself Mr. Jackson had chosen the part ofOswald, a youth who goes quite dotty at the last for reasons which arebetter not talked about. His wife was to play the part of aserving-maid, who was rather a baggage, while Mrs. Judge Ballard wasto enact his mother. (I may say in passing I have learned that theplays of this foreigner are largely concerned with people who havebeen queer at one time or another, so that one's parentage is oftenuncertain, though they always pay for it by going off in the headbefore the final curtain. I mean to say, there is too muchneighbourhood scandal in them. )

There remained but one part to fill, that of the father of theserving-maid, an uncouth sort of drinking-man, quite low-class, who, in my opinion, should never have been allowed on the stage at all, since no moral lesson is taught by him. It was in the casting of thispart that Mr. Jackson showed himself of a forgiving nature. He offeredit to Cousin Egbert, saying he was the true "type"--"with his weak, dissolute face"--and that "types" were all the rage in theatricals. 

At first the latter heatedly declined the honour, but after beingurged and browbeaten for three days by Mrs. Effie he somewhat sullenlyconsented, being shown that there were not many lines for him tolearn. From the first, I think, he was rendered quite miserable by theordeal before him, yet he submitted to the rehearsals with a ratherpathetic desire to please, and for a time all seemed well. Many anhour found him mugging away at the book, earnestly striving tomemorize the part, or, as he quaintly expressed it, "that there piecethey want me to speak. " But as the day of our performance drew near itbecame evident to me, at least, that he was in a desperately blackstate of mind. As best I could I cheered him with words of praise, buthis eye met mine blankly at such times and I could see him shudderpoignantly while waiting the moment of his entrance. 

And still all might have been well, I fancy, but for the extremelyconscientious views of Mr. Jackson in the matter of our costuming andmake-up. With his lines fairly learned, Cousin Egbert on the night ofour dress rehearsal was called upon first to don the garb of theforeign carpenter he was to enact, the same involving shorts and graywoollen hose to his knees, at which he protested violently. So far asI could gather, his modesty was affronted by this revelation of hislower legs. Being at length persuaded to this sacrifice, he nextsubmitted his face to Mr. Jackson, who adjusted it to a labouringperson's beard and eyebrows, crimsoning the cheeks and nose heavilywith grease-paint and crowning all with an unkempt wig. 

The result, I am bound to say, was artistic in the extreme. No onewould have suspected the identity of Cousin Egbert, and I had hopesthat he would feel a new courage for his part when he beheld himself. Instead, however, after one quick glance into the glass he emitted agasp of horror that was most eloquent, and thereafter refused to becomforted, holding himself aloof and glaring hideously at all whoapproached him. Rather like a mad dog he was. 

Half an hour later, when all was ready for our first act, CousinEgbert was not to be found. I need not dwell upon the annoyance thisoccasioned, nor upon how a substitute in the person of our hall'scustodian, or janitor, was impressed to read the part. Suffice it totell briefly that Cousin Egbert, costumed and bedizened as he was, hadfled not only the theatre but the town as well. Search for him on themorrow was unavailing. Not until the second day did it become knownthat he had been seen at daybreak forty miles from Red Gap, goading aspent horse into the wilds of the adjacent mountains. Our informantdisclosed that one side of his face was still bearded and that he hadkept glancing back over his shoulder at frequent intervals, as iffearful of pursuit. Something of his frantic state may also be gleanedfrom the circumstance that the horse he rode was one he had foundhitched in a side street near the hall, its ownership being unknown tohim. 

For the rest it may be said that our performance was given asscheduled, announcement being made of the sudden illness of Mr. EgbertFloud, and his part being read from the book in a rich and cultivatedvoice by the superintendent of the high school. Our efforts werereceived with respectful attention by a large audience, among whom Inoted many of the Bohemian set, and this I took as an especial tributeto our merits. Mr. Belknap-Jackson, however, to whom I mentioned thecircumstance, was pessimistic. 

"I fear, " said he, "we have not heard the last of it. I am sure theycame for no good purpose. "

"They were quite orderly in their behaviour, " I suggested

"Which is why I suspect them. That Kenner woman, Hobbs, the baker, theothers of their set--they're not thinking people; I dare say theynever consider social problems seriously. And you may have noticedthat they announce an amateur minstrel performance for a week hence. I'm quite convinced that they mean to be vulgar to the lastextreme--there has been so much talk of the behaviour of the wretchedFloud, a fellow who really has no place in our modern civilization. Heshould be compelled to remain on his ranche. "

And indeed these suspicions proved to be only too well founded. Thatwhich followed was so atrociously personal that in any country butAmerica we could have had an action against them. As Mr. Belknap-Jackson so bitterly said when all was over, "Our boastedliberty has degenerated into license. "

It is best told in a few words, this affair of the minstrelperformance, which I understood was to be an entertainment wherein theparticipants darkened themselves to resemble blackamoors. Naturally, Idid not attend, it being agreed that the best people should signifytheir disapproval by staying away, but the disgraceful affair wasrecounted to me in all its details by more than one of the largeaudience that assembled. In the so-called "grand first part" thereseemed to have been little that was flagrantly insulting to us, although in their exchange of conundrums, which is a peculiar featureof this form of entertainment, certain names were bandied about with afreedom that boded no good. 

It was in the after-piece that the poltroons gave free play to theirvilest fancies. Our piece having been announced as "Ghosts; a Dramafor Thinking People, " this part was entitled on their programme, "Gloats; a Dram for Drinking People, " a transposition that shouldperhaps suffice to show the dreadful lengths to which they went; yet Ifeel that the thing should be set down in full. 

The stage was set as our own had been, but it would scarce be creditedthat the Kenner woman in male attire had made herself up in acuriously accurate resemblance to Belknap-Jackson as he had renderedthe part of Oswald, copying not alone his wig, moustache, and fashionof speech, but appearing in a golfing suit which was recognized bythose present as actually belonging to him. 

Nor was this the worst, for the fellow Hobbs had copied my own dressand make-up and persisted in speaking in an exaggerated manner allegedto resemble mine. This, of course, was the most shocking bad taste, and while it was quite to have been expected of Hobbs, I was indeedrather surprised that the entire assembly did not leave the auditoriumin disgust the moment they perceived his base intention. But it wasCousin Egbert whom they had chosen to rag most unmercifully, and theywere not long in displaying their clumsy attempts at humour. 

As the curtain went up they were searching for him, affecting to beunconscious of the presence of their audience, and declaring that theplay couldn't go on without him. "Have you tried all the saloons?"asked one, to which another responded, "Yes, and he's been in all ofthem, but now he has fled. The sheriff has put bloodhounds on histrail and promises to have him here, dead or alive. "

"Then while we are waiting, " declared the character supposed torepresent myself, "I will tell you a wheeze, " whereupon both thefemale characters fell to their knees shrieking, "Not that! My God, not that!" while Oswald sneered viciously and muttered, "Serves meright for leaving Boston. "

To show the infamy of the thing, I must here explain that at severalsocial gatherings, in an effort which I still believe waspraiseworthy, I had told an excellent wheeze which runs: "Have youheard the story of the three holes in the ground?" I mean to say, Iwould ask this in an interested manner, as if I were about to relatethe anecdote, and upon being answered "No!" I would exclaim with mockseriousness, "Well! Well! Well!" This had gone rippingly almost quiteevery time I had favoured a company with it, hardly any one of myhearers failing to get the joke at a second telling. I mean to say, the three holes in the ground being three "Wells!" uttered in rapidsuccession. 

Of course if one doesn't see it at once, or finds it a bit subtle, it's quite silly to attempt to explain it, because logically there isno adequate explanation. It is merely a bit of nonsense, and that'squite all to it. But these boors now fell upon it with their coarsehumour, the fellow Hobbs pretending to get it all wrong by asking ifthey had heard the story about the three wells and the othersreplying: "No, tell us the hole thing, " which made utter nonsense ofit, whereupon they all began to cry, "Well! well! well!" at each otheruntil interrupted by a terrific noise in the wings, which was followedby the entrance of the supposed Cousin Egbert, a part enacted by thecab-driver who had conveyed us from the station the day of ourarrival. Dragged on he was by the sheriff and two of the townconstables, the latter being armed with fowling-pieces and the sheriffholding two large dogs in leash. The character himself was heavilymanacled and madly rattled his chains, his face being disguised toresemble Cousin Egbert's after the beard had been adjusted. 

"Here he is!" exclaimed the supposed sheriff; "the dogs ran him intothe third hole left by the well-diggers, and we lured him out bymaking a noise like sour dough. " During this speech, I am told, thecharacter snarled continuously and tried to bite his captors. At thisthe woman, who had so deplorably unsexed herself for the character ofMr. Belknap-Jackson as he had played Oswald, approached the prisonerand smartly drew forth a handful of his beard which she stuffed into apipe and proceeded to smoke, after which they pretended that the playwent on. But no more than a few speeches had been uttered when thesupposed Cousin Egbert eluded his captors and, emitting a loud shriekof horror, leaped headlong through the window at the back of thestage, his disappearance being followed by the sounds of breakingglass as he was supposed to fall to the street below. 

"How lovely!" exclaimed the mimic Oswald. "Perhaps he has broken bothhis legs so he can't run off any more, " at which the fellow Hobbsremarked in his affected tones: "That sort of thing would never dowith us. "

This I learned aroused much laughter, the idea being that the remarkhad been one which I am supposed to make in private life, though Idare say I have never uttered anything remotely like it. 

"The fellow is quite impossible, " continued the spurious Oswald, witha doubtless rather clever imitation of Mr. Belknap-Jackson's manner. "If he is killed, feed him to the goldfish and let one of the dogsread his part. We must get along with this play. Now, then. 'Ah! whydid I ever leave Boston where every one is nice and proper?'" To whichhis supposed mother replied with feigned emotion: "It was because ofyour father, my poor boy. Ah, what I had to endure through those yearswhen he cursed and spoke disrespectfully of our city. 'Scissors andwhite aprons, ' he would cry out, 'Why is Boston?' But I bore it allfor your sake, and now you, too, are smoking--you will go the sameway. "

"But promise me, mother, " returns Oswald, "promise me if I ever getdusty in the garret, that Lord Algy here will tell me one of his funnywheezes and put me out of pain. You could not bear to hear me knockingBoston as poor father did. And I feel it coming--already mymother-in-law has bluffed me into admitting that Red Gap has a rightto be on the same map with Boston if it's a big map. "

And this was the coarsely wretched buffoonery that refined people wereexpected to sit through! Yet worse followed, for at their climax, themimic Oswald having gone quite off his head, the Hobbs person, stillwith the preposterous affectation of taking me off in speech andmanner, was persuaded by the stricken mother to sing. "Sing that dearold plantation melody from London, " she cried, "so that my poor boymay know there are worse things than death. " And all this witlesspiffle because of a quite natural misunderstanding of mine. 

I have before referred to what I supposed was an American plantationmelody which I had heard a black sing at Brighton, meaning one of theEnglish blacks who colour themselves for the purpose, but on recitingthe lines at an evening affair, when the American folksongs were underdiscussion, I was told that it could hardly have been written by anAmerican at all, but doubtless by one of our own composers who hadtaken too little trouble with his facts. I mean to say, the song as Ihad it, betrayed misapprehensions both of a geographical and faunalnature, but I am certain that no one thought the worse of me forhaving been deceived, and I had supposed the thing forgotten. Yet nowwhat did I hear but that a garbled version of this song had beensupposedly sung by myself, the Hobbs person meantime mincing acrossthe stage and gesturing with a monocle which he had somehow procured, the words being quite simply:

 "Away down south in Michigan, Where I was a slave, so happy and so gay, 'Twas there I mowed the cotton and the cane. I used to hunt the elephants, the tigers, and giraffes, And the alligators at the break of day. But the blooming Injuns prowled about my cabin every night, So I'd take me down my banjo and I'd play, And I'd sing a little song and I'd make them dance with glee, On the banks of the Ohio far away. "

I mean to say, there was nothing to make a dust about even if the songwere not of a true American origin, yet I was told that the creaturewho sang it received hearty applause and even responded to an encore. 

CHAPTER TEN

I need hardly say that this public ridicule left me dazed. DesperatelyI recalled our calm and orderly England where such things would not bepermitted. There we are born to our stations and are not allowed toforget them. We matter from birth, or we do not matter, and that's allto it. Here there seemed to be no stations to which one was born; theeffect was sheer anarchy, and one might ridicule any one whomsoever. As was actually said in that snarky manifesto drawn up by the rebelleaders at the time our colonies revolted, "All men are created freeand equal"--than which absurdity could go no farther--yet the lowermiddle classes seemed to behave quite as if it were true. 

And now through no fault of my own another awkward circumstance wasthreatening to call further attention to me, which was highlyundesirable at this moment when the cheap one-and-six Hobbs fellow hadso pointedly singled me out for his loathsome buffoonery. 

Some ten days before, walking alone at the edge of town one calmafternoon, where I might commune with Nature, of which I have alwaysbeen fond, I noted an humble vine-clad cot, in the kitchen garden ofwhich there toiled a youngish, neat-figured woman whom I at oncerecognized as a person who did occasional charring for the Flouds onthe occasion of their dinners or receptions. As she had appeared to becheerful and competent, of respectful manners and a quite markedintelligence, I made nothing of stopping at her gate for a moment'schat, feeling a quite decided relief in the thought that here was onewith whom I need make no pretence, her social position being sharplydefined. 

We spoke of the day's heat, which was bland, of the vegetables whichshe watered with a lawn hose, particularly of the tomatoes of whichshe was pardonably proud, and of the flowering vine which shielded herpiazza from the sun. And when she presently and with due courtesyinvited me to enter, I very affably did so, finding the atmosphere ofthe place reposeful and her conversation of a character that I couldapprove. She was dressed in a blue print gown that suited her no end, the sleeves turned back over her capable arms; her brown hair wasarranged with scrupulous neatness, her face was pleasantly flushedfrom her agricultural labours, and her blue eyes flashed a friendlywelcome and a pleased acknowledgment of the compliments I made her onthe garden. Altogether, she was a person with whom I at once feltmyself at ease, and a relief, I confess it was, after the strain of myhigh social endeavours. 

After a tour of the garden I found myself in the cool twilight of herlittle parlour, where she begged me to be seated while she prepared mea dish of tea, which she did in the adjoining kitchen, to a cheerfulaccompaniment of song, quite with an honest, unpretentiousgood-heartedness. Glad I was for the moment to forget the socialrancors of the town, the affronted dignities of the North Side set, and the pernicious activities of the Bohemians, for here all was of asimple humanity such as I would have found in a farmer's cottage athome. 

As I rested in the parlour I could not but approve its general air ofcomfort and good taste--its clean flowered wall-paper, the pair ofstuffed birds on the mantel, the comfortable chairs, the neat carpet, the pictures, and, on a slender-legged stand, the globe of goldfish. These I noted with an especial pleasure, for I have always found anintense satisfaction in their silent companionship. Of the pictures Inoted particularly a life-sized drawing in black-and-white in a largegold frame, of a man whom I divined was the deceased husband of myhostess. There was also a spirited reproduction of "The Stag at Bay"and some charming coloured prints of villagers, children, and domesticanimals in their lighter moments. 

Tea being presently ready, I genially insisted that it should beserved in the kitchen where it had been prepared, though to this myhostess at first stoutly objected, declaring that the room was in nosuitable state. But this was a mere womanish hypocrisy, as the placewas spotless, orderly, and in fact quite meticulous in its neatness. The tea was astonishingly excellent, so few Americans I had observedhaving the faintest notion of the real meaning of tea, and I wasoffered with it bread and butter and a genuinely satisfying compote ofplums of which my hostess confessed herself the fabricator, having, asshe quaintly phrased the thing, "put it up. "

And so, over this collation, we chatted for quite all of an hour. Thelady did, as I have intimated, a bit of charring, a bit of plainsewing, and also derived no small revenue from her vegetables andfruit, thus managing, as she owned the free-hold of the premises, tomake a decent living for herself and child. I have said that she wascheerful and competent, and these epithets kept returning to me as wetalked. Her husband--she spoke of him as "poor Judson"--had been acarter and odd-job fellow, decent enough, I dare say, but hardly theman for her, I thought, after studying his portrait. There was a sortof foppish weakness in his face. And indeed his going seemed to haveworked her no hardship, nor to have left any incurable sting of loss. 

Three cups of the almost perfect tea I drank, as we talked of her ownsimple affairs and of the town at large, and at length of her childwho awakened noisily from slumber in an adjacent room and camevoraciously to partake of food. It was a male child of some two and ahalf years, rather suggesting the generous good-nature of the mother, but in the most shocking condition, a thing I should have spokenstrongly to her about at once had I known her better. Queer it seemedto me that a woman of her apparently sound judgment should let heroffspring reach this terrible state without some effort to alleviateit. The poor thing, to be blunt, was grossly corpulent, legs, arms, body, and face being wretchedly fat, and yet she now fed it a largeslice of bread thickly spread with butter and loaded to overflowingwith the fattening sweet. Banting of the strictest sort was of coursewhat it needed. I have had but the slightest experience with children, but there could be no doubt of this if its figure was to bemaintained. Its waistline was quite impossible, and its eyes, as itowlishly scrutinized me over its superfluous food, showed from a facealready quite as puffy as the Honourable George's. I did, indeed, venture so far as suggesting that food at untimely hours made for atoo-rounded outline, but to my surprise the mother took this as atribute to the creature's grace, crying, "Yes, he wuzzum wuzzums afatty ole sing, " with an air of most fatuous pride, and followed thisby announcing my name to it with concerned precision. 

"Ruggums, " it exclaimed promptly, getting the name all wrong andstaring at me with cold detachment; then "Ruggums-Ruggums-Ruggums!" asif it were a game, but still stuffing itself meanwhile. There was asort of horrid fascination in the sight, but I strove as well as Icould to keep my gaze from it, and the mother and I again talked ofmatters at large. 

I come now to speak of an incident which made this quite harmlessvisit memorable and entailed unforeseen consequences of an almostquite serious character. 

As we sat at tea there stalked into the kitchen a nondescript sort ofdog, a creature of fairish size, of a rambling structure, so to speak, coloured a puzzling grayish brown with underlying hints of yellow, with vast drooping ears, and a long and most saturnine countenance. 

Quite a shock it gave me when I looked up to find the beast staring atme with what I took to be the most hearty disapproval. My hostesspaused in silence as she noted my glance. The beast then approachedme, sniffed at my boots inquiringly, then at my hands with increasinganimation, and at last leaped into my lap and had licked my facebefore I could prevent it. 

I need hardly say that this attention was embarrassing and mostdistasteful, since I have never held with dogs. They are doubtlesswell enough in their place, but there is a vast deal of sentimentabout them that is silly, and outside the hunting field the mostfinely bred of them are too apt to be noisy nuisances. When I say thatthe beast in question was quite an American dog, obviously of nobreeding whatever, my dismay will be readily imagined. Ratherimpulsively, I confess, I threw him to the floor with a stern, "Begone, sir!" whereat he merely crawled to my feet and whimpered, looking up into my eyes with a most horrid and sickening air ofdevotion. Hereupon, to my surprise, my hostess gayly called out:

"Why, look at Mr. Barker--he's actually taken up with you right away, and him usually so suspicious of strangers. Only yesterday he bit anagent that was calling with silver polish to sell--bit him in the legso I had to buy some from the poor fellow--and now see! He's asfriendly with you as you could wish. They do say that dogs know whenpeople are all right. Look at him trying to get into your lap again. "And indeed the beast was again fawning upon me in the most abjectmanner, licking my hands and seeming to express for me some hideousadmiration. Seeing that I repulsed his advances none too gently, hisowner called to him:

"Down, Mr. Barker, down, sir! Get out!" she continued, seeing that hepaid her no attention, and then she thoughtfully seized him by thecollar and dragged him to a safe distance where she held him, henevertheless continuing to regard me with the most servile affection. 

[Illustration: "WHY, LOOK AT MR. BARKER--HE'S ACTUALLY TAKEN UP WITHYOU RIGHT AWAY, AND HIM USUALLY SO SUSPICIOUS OF STRANGERS"]

"Ruggums, Ruggums, Ruggums!" exploded the child at this, excitedlywaving the crust of its bread. 

"Behave, Mr. Barker!" called his owner again. "The gentleman probablydoesn't want you climbing all over him. "

The remainder of my visit was somewhat marred by the determination ofMr. Barker, as he was indeed quite seriously called, to force hismonstrous affections upon me, and by the well-meant but often carelessefforts of his mistress to restrain him. She, indeed, appeared tobelieve that I would feel immensely pleased at these tokens of hisliking. 

As I took my leave after sincere expressions of my pleasure in thecall, the child with its face one fearful smear of jam again waved itscrust and shouted, "Ruggums!" while the dog was plainly bent ondeparting with me. Not until he had been secured by a rope to one ofthe porch stanchions could I safely leave, and as I went he howleddismally after violent efforts to chew the detaining rope apart. 

I finished my stroll with the greatest satisfaction, for during theentire hour I had been enabled to forget the manifold cares of myposition. Again it seemed to me that the portrait in the littleparlour was not that of a man who had been entirely suited to thisworthy and energetic young woman. Highly deserving she seemed, andwhen I knew her better, as I made no doubt I should, I resolved toinstruct her in the matter of a more suitable diet for her offspring, the present one, as I have said, carrying quite too large apreponderance of animal fats. Also, I mused upon the extraordinarytolerance she accorded to the sad-faced but too demonstrative Mr. Barker. He had been named, I fancied, by some one with a primitivesense of humour, I mean to say, he might have been facetiously called"Barker" because he actually barked a bit, though adding the "Mister"to it seemed to be rather forcing the poor drollery. At any rate, Iwas glad to believe I should see little of him in his free state. 

And yet it was precisely the curious fondness of this brute for myselfthat now added to my embarrassments. On two succeeding days I pausedbriefly at Mrs. Judson's in my afternoon strolls, finding the lady aswholesomely reposeful as ever in her effect upon my nature, butfinding the unspeakable dog each time more lavish of his disgustingaffection for me. 

Then, one day, when I had made back to the town and was in facttraversing the main commercial thoroughfare in a dignified manner, Iwas made aware that the brute had broken away to follow me. Close atmy heels he skulked. Strong words hissed under my breath would notrepulse him, and to blows I durst not proceed, for I suddenly divinedthat his juxtaposition to me was exciting amused comment among certainof the natives who observed us. The fellow Hobbs, in the doorway ofhis bake-shop, was especially offensive, bursting into a shout ofboorish laughter and directing to me the attention of a nearby groupof loungers, who likewise professed to become entertained. Sosituated, I was of course obliged to affect unconsciousness of theawful beast, and he was presently running joyously at my side as ifsecure in my approval, or perhaps his brute intelligence divined thatfor the moment I durst not turn upon him with blows. 

Nor did the true perversity of the situation at once occur to me. Notuntil we had gained one of the residence avenues did I realize thesignificance of the ill-concealed merriment we had aroused. It was notthat I had been followed by a random cur, but by one known to be thedog of the lady I had called upon. I mean to say, the creature hadadvertised my acquaintance with his owner in a way that would leadbase minds to misconstrue its extent. 

Thoroughly maddened by this thought, and being now safely beyond closeobservers, I turned upon the animal to give it a hearty drubbing withmy stick, but it drew quickly off, as if divining my intention, andwhen I hurled the stick at it, retrieved it, and brought it to mequite as if it forgave my hostility. Discovering at length that thismethod not only availed nothing but was bringing faces to neighbouringwindows, and that it did not the slightest good to speak strongly tothe beast, I had perforce to accompany it to its home, where I had thesatisfaction of seeing its owner once more secure it firmly with therope. 

Thus far a trivial annoyance one might say, but when the next day thecreature bounded up to me as I escorted homeward two ladies from theOnwards and Upwards Club, leaping upon me with extravagantmanifestations of delight and trailing a length of gnawed rope, itwill be seen that the thing was little short of serious. 

"It's Mr. Barker, " exclaimed one of the ladies, regarding me brightly. 

At a cutlery shop I then bought a stout chain, escorted the brute tohis home, and saw him tethered. The thing was rather getting on me. The following morning he waited for me at the Floud door and wasbeside himself with rapture when I appeared. He had slipped hiscollar. And once more I saw him moored. Each time I had apologized toMrs. Judson for seeming to attract her pet from home, for I could notbring myself to say that the beast was highly repugnant to me, andleast of all could I intimate that his public devotion to me would beseized upon by the coarser village wits to her disadvantage. 

"I never saw him so fascinated with any one before, " explained thelady as she once more adjusted his leash. But that afternoon, as Iwaited in the trap for Mr. Jackson before the post-office, the beastseemed to appear from out the earth to leap into the trap beside me. After a rather undignified struggle I ejected him, whereupon hefollowed the trap madly to the country club and made a farce of mygolf game by retrieving the ball after every drive. This time, Ilearned, the child had released him. 

It is enough to add that for those remaining days until the presentthe unspeakable creature's mad infatuation for me had made my lifewell-nigh a torment, to say nothing of its being a matter of lowpublic jesting. Hardly did I dare show myself in the business centres, for as surely as I did the animal found me and crawled to fawn uponme, affecting his release each day in some novel manner. Each morningI looked abroad from my window on arising, more than likely detectinghis outstretched form on the walk below, patiently awaiting myappearance, and each night I was liable to dreams of his coming uponme, a monstrous creature, sad-faced but eager, tireless, resolute, determined to have me for his own. 

Musing desperately over this impossible state of affairs, I was nowsurprised to receive a letter from the wretched Cousin Egbert, sent bythe hand of the Tuttle person. It was written in pencil on ruledsheets apparently torn from a cheap notebook, quite as if proper pensand decent stationery were not to be had, and ran as follows:

 DEAR FRIEND BILL:

 Well, Bill, I know God hates a quitter, but I guess I got a streak of yellow in me wider than the Comstock lode. I was kicking at my stirrups even before I seen that bunch of whiskers, and when I took a flash of them and seen he was intending I should go out before folks without any regular pants on, I says I can be pushed just so far. Well, Bill, I beat it like a bat out of hell, as I guess you know by this time, and I would like to seen them catch me as I had a good bronc. If you know whose bronc it was tell him I will make it all O. K. The bronc will be all right when he rests up some. Well, Bill, I am here on the ranche, where everything is nice, and I would never come back unless certain parties agree to do what is right. I would not speak pieces that way for the President of the U. S. If he ask me to on his bended knees. Well, Bill, I wish you would come out here yourself, where everything is nice. You can't tell what that bunch of crazies would be wanting you to do next thing with false whiskers and no right pants. I would tell them "I can be pushed just so far, and now I will go out to the ranche with Sour-dough for some time, where things are nice. " Well, Bill, if you will come out Jeff Tuttle will bring you Wednesday when he comes with more grub, and you will find everything nice. I have told Jeff to bring you, so no more at present, with kind regards and hoping to see you here soon. 

 Your true friend, E. G. FLOUD. 

 P. S. Mrs. Effie said she would broaden me out. Maybe she did, because I felt pretty flat. Ha! ha!

Truth to tell, this wild suggestion at once appealed to me. I had animpulse to withdraw for a season from the social whirl, to seek reposeamong the glens and gorges of this cattle plantation, and there try toadjust myself more intelligently to my strange new environment. In themeantime, I hoped, something might happen to the dog of Mrs. Judson;or he might, perhaps, in my absence outlive his curious mania for me. 

Mrs. Effie, whom I now consulted, after reading the letter of CousinEgbert, proved to be in favour of my going to him to make one lastappeal to his higher nature. 

"If only he'd stick out there in the brush where he belongs, I'd lethim stay, " she explained. "But he won't stick; he gets tired afterawhile and drops in perhaps on the very night when we're entertainingsome of the best people at dinner--and of course we're obliged to havehim, though he's dropped whatever manners I've taught him and pickedup his old rough talk, and he eats until you wonder how he can. It'sawful! Sometimes I've wondered if it couldn't be adenoids--there's alot of talk about those just now--some very select people have them, and perhaps they're what kept him back and made him so hopelessly lowin his tastes, but I just know he'd never go to a doctor about them. For heaven's sake, use what influence you have to get him back hereand to take his rightful place in society. "

I had a profound conviction that he would never take his rightfulplace in society, be it the fault of adenoids or whatever; that lowpassion of his for being pally with all sorts made it seem that hissense of values must have been at fault from birth, and yet I couldnot bring myself to abandon him utterly, for, as I have intimated, something in the fellow's nature appealed to me. I accordinglymurmured my sympathy discreetly and set about preparations for myjourney. 

Feeling instinctively that Cousin Egbert would not now be dressing fordinner, I omitted evening clothes from my box, including only amorning-suit and one of form-fitting tweeds which I fancied would dome well enough. But no sooner was my box packed than the Tuttle personinformed me that I could take no box whatever. It appeared that allluggage would be strapped to the backs of animals and thustransported. Even so, when I had reduced myself to one parkriding-suit and a small bundle of necessary adjuncts, I was told thatthe golf-sticks must be left behind. It appeared there would be nogolf. 

And so quite early one morning I started on this curious pilgrimagefrom what was called a "feed corral" in a low part of the town. Herethe Tuttle person had assembled a goods-train of a half-dozen animals, the luggage being adjusted to their backs by himself and twoassistants, all using language of the most disgraceful characterthroughout the process. The Tuttle person I had half expected toappear garbed in his native dress--Mrs. Effie had once more referredto "that Indian Jeff Tuttle"--but he wore instead, as did his twoassistants, the outing or lounge suit of the Western desperado, nor, though I listened closely, could I hear him exclaim, "Ugh! Ugh!" inmoments of emotional stress as my reading had informed me that theIndian frequently does. 

The two assistants, solemn-faced, ill-groomed fellows, bore thecurious American names of Hank and Buck, and furiously chewed thetobacco plant at all times. After betraying a momentary interest in mysmart riding-suit, they paid me little attention, at which I was wellpleased, for their manners were often repellent and their abrupt, direct fashion of speech quite disconcerting. 

The Tuttle person welcomed me heartily and himself adjusted the saddleto my mount, expressing the hope that I would "get my fill ofscenery, " and volunteering the information that my destination was"one sleep" away. 

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Although fond of rural surroundings and always interested in nature, the adventure in which I had become involved is not one I canrecommend to a person of refined tastes. I found it little enough tomy own taste even during the first two hours of travel when we kept tothe beaten thoroughfare, for the sun was hot, the dust stifling, andthe language with which the goods-animals were berated coarse in theextreme. 

Yet from this plain roadway and a country of rolling down and heatherwhich was at least not terrifying, our leader, the Tuttle person, swerved all at once into an untried jungle, in what at the moment Isupposed to be a fit of absent-mindedness, following a narrow paththat led up a fearsomely slanted incline among trees and boulders ofgranite thrown about in the greatest disorder. He was followed, however, by the goods-animals and by the two cow-persons, so that Isoon saw the new course must be intended. 

The mountains were now literally quite everywhere, some higher thanothers, but all of a rough appearance, and uninviting in the extreme. The narrow path, moreover, became more and more difficult, and seemedaltogether quite insane with its twistings and fearsome declivities. One's first thought was that at least a bit of road-metal might havebeen put upon it. But there was no sign of this throughout ourtoilsome day, nor did I once observe a rustic seat along the way, although I saw an abundance of suitable nooks for these. Needless tosay, in all England there is not an estate so poorly kept up. 

There being no halt made for luncheon, I began to look forward totea-time, but what was my dismay to observe that this hour also passedunnoted. Not until night was drawing upon us did our caravan haltbeside a tarn, and here I learned that we would sup and sleep, although it was distressing to observe how remote we were from propersurroundings. There was no shelter and no modern conveniences; noteven a wash-hand-stand or water-jug. There was, of course, no centralheating, and no electricity for one's smoothing-iron, so that one'sclothing must become quite disreputable for want of pressing. Also theinformal manner of cooking and eating was not what I had beenaccustomed to, and the idea of sleeping publicly on the bare groundwas repugnant in the extreme. I mean to say, there was no _vieintime_. Truly it was a coarser type of wilderness than that whichI had encountered near New York City. 

The animals, being unladen, were fitted with a species of leatherbracelet about their forefeet and allowed to stray at their will. Afire was built and coarse food made ready. It is hardly a thing tospeak of, but their manner of preparing tea was utterly depraved, theleaves being flung into a tin of boiling water and allowed to_stew_. The result was something that I imagine etchers might usein making lines upon their metal plates. But for my day's fast Ishould have been unequal to this, or to the crude output of theirfrying-pans. 

Yet I was indeed glad that no sign of my dismay had escaped me, forthe cow-persons, Hank and Buck, as I discovered, had given unusualcare to the repast on my account, and I should not have liked to seemunappreciative. Quite by accident I overheard the honest fellowsquarrelling about an oversight: they had, it seemed, left thefinger-bowls behind; each was bitterly blaming the other for this, seeming to feel that the meal could not go forward. I had not to betold that they would not ordinarily carry finger-bowls for their ownuse, and that the forgotten utensils must have been meant solely formy comfort. Accordingly, when the quarrel was at its highest I brokein upon it, protesting that the oversight was of no consequence, andthat I was quite prepared to roughen it with them in the best of goodfellowship. They were unable to conceal their chagrin at my havingoverheard them, and slunk off abashed to the cooking-fire. It wasplain that under their repellent exteriors they concealed veins of thefinest chivalry, and I took pains during the remainder of the eveningto put them at their ease, asking them many questions about their wildlife. 

Of the dangers of the jungle by which we were surrounded the mostformidable, it seemed, was not the grizzly bear, of which I had read, but an animal quaintly called the "high-behind, " which lurks aboutcamping-places such as ours and is often known to attack man in itssearch for tinned milk of which it is inordinately fond. The spoor ofone of these beasts had been detected near our campfire by thecow-person called Buck, and he now told us of it, though having atfirst resolved to be silent rather than alarm us. 

As we carried a supply of the animal's favourite food, I was given twoof the tins with instructions to hurl them quickly at any high-behindthat might approach during the night, my companions arming themselvesin a similar manner. It appears that the beast has tushes similar inshape to tin openers with which it deftly bites into any tins of milkthat may be thrown at it. The person called Hank had once escaped withhis life only by means of a tin of milk which had caught on thesabrelike tushes of the animal pursuing him, thus rendering himharmless and easy of capture. 

Needless to say, I was greatly interested in this animal of the quaintname, and resolved to remain on watch during the night in the hope ofseeing one, but at this juncture we were rejoined by the Tuttleperson, who proceeded to recount to Hank and Buck a highly colouredversion of my regrettable encounter with Mr. C. Belknap-Jackson backin the New York wilderness, whereat they both lost interest in thehigh-behind and greatly embarrassed me with their congratulations uponthis lesser matter. Cousin Egbert, it seemed, had most indiscreetlytalked of the thing, which was now a matter of common gossip in RedGap. Thereafter I could get from them no further information about thehabits of the high-behind, nor did I remain awake to watch for one asI had resolved to, the fatigues of the day proving too much for me. But doubtless none approached during the night, as the two tins ofmilk with which I was armed were untouched when I awoke at dawn. 

Again we set off after a barbarous breakfast, driving our ladenanimals ever deeper into the mountain fastness, until it seemed thatnone of us could ever emerge, for I had ascertained that there was nota compass in the party. There was now a certain new friendliness inthe manner of the two cow-persons toward me, born, it would seem, oftheir knowledge of my assault upon Belknap-Jackson, and I was somewhatat a loss to know how to receive this, well intentioned though it was. I mean to say, they were undoubtedly of the servant-class, and ofcourse one must remember one's own position, but I at length decidedto be quite friendly and American with them. 

The truth must be told that I was now feeling in quite a bit of a funkand should have welcomed any friendship offered me; I even foundmyself remembering with rather a pensive tolerance the attentions ofMr. Barker, though doubtless back in Red Gap I should have found themas loathsome as ever. My hump was due, I made no doubt, first, to myprecarious position in the wilderness, but more than that to myanomalous social position, for it seemed to me now that I was neitherfish nor fowl. I was no longer a gentleman's man--the familiarboundaries of that office had been swept away; on the other hand, Iwas most emphatically not the gentleman I had set myself up to be, andI was weary of the pretence. The friendliness of these uncouthcompanions, then, proved doubly welcome, for with them I could conductmyself in a natural manner, happily forgetting my former limitationsand my present quite fictitious dignities. 

I even found myself talking to them of cricket as we rode, tellingthem I had once hit an eight--fully run out it was and not anoverthrow--though I dare say it meant little to them. I also tookpains to describe to them the correct method of brewing tea, whichthey promised thereafter to observe, though this I fear they did frommere politeness. 

Our way continued adventurously upward until mid-afternoon, when webegan an equally adventurous descent through a jungle of pine trees, not a few of which would have done credit to one of our own parks, though there were, of course, too many of them here to be at alleffective. Indeed, it may be said that from a scenic standpointeverything through which we had passed was overdone: mountains, rocks, streams, trees, all sounding a characteristic American note ofexaggeration. 

Then at last we came to the wilderness abode of Cousin Egbert. A rudehut of native logs it was, set in this highland glen beside a tarn. From afar we descried its smoke, and presently in the doorway observedCousin Egbert himself, who waved cheerfully at us. His appearance gaveme a shock. Quite aware of his inclination to laxness, I was yetunprepared for his present state. Never, indeed, have I seen a man sobadly turned out. Too evidently unshaven since his disappearance, hewas gotten up in a faded flannel shirt, open at the neck and withoutthe sign of cravat, a pair of overalls, also faded and quite wretchedlyspotty, and boots of the most shocking description. Yet in spite ofthis dreadful tenue he greeted me without embarrassment and indeedwith a kind of artless pleasure. Truly the man was impossible, and whenI observed the placard he had allowed to remain on the waistband of hisoveralls, boastfully alleging their indestructibility, my sympathiesflew back to Mrs. Effie. There was a cartoon emblazoned on this placard, depicting the futile efforts of two teams of stout horses, each attachedto a leg of the garment, to wrench it in twain. I mean to say, one mightbe reduced to overalls, but this blatant emblem was not a thing anygentleman need have retained. And again, observing his footgear, I wasglad to recall that I had included a plentiful supply of boot-cream inmy scanty luggage. 

Three of the goods-animals were now unladen, their burden ofprovisions being piled beside the door while Cousin Egbert chattedgayly with the cow-persons and the Indian Tuttle, after which thesethree took their leave, being madly bent, it appeared, uponpenetrating still farther into the wilderness to another cattle farm. Then, left alone with Cousin Egbert, I was not long in discoveringthat, strictly speaking, he had no establishment. Not only were thereno servants, but there were no drains, no water-taps, no ice-machine, no scullery, no central heating, no electric wiring. His hut consistedof but a single room, and this without a floor other than the packedearth, while the appointments were such as in any civilized countrywould have indicated the direst poverty. Two beds of the rudestdescription stood in opposite corners, and one end of the room wasalmost wholly occupied by a stone fireplace of primitive construction, over which the owner now hovered in certain feats of cookery. 

Thanks to my famished state I was in no mood to criticise his efforts, which he presently set forth upon the rough deal table in a hearty butquite inelegant manner. The meal, I am bound to say, was more thanwelcome to my now indiscriminating palate, though at a less urgentmoment I should doubtless have found the bread soggy and the beans apernicious mass. There was a stew of venison, however, which only themost skilful hands could have bettered, though how the man hadobtained a deer was beyond me, since it was evident he possessed noshooting or deer-stalking costume. As to the tea, I made bold to speakmy mind and succeeded in brewing some for myself. 

Throughout the repast Cousin Egbert was constantly attentive to myneeds and was more cheerful of demeanour than I had ever seen him. Thehunted look about his eyes, which had heretofore always distinguishedhim, was now gone, and he bore himself like a free man. 

"Yes, sir, " he said, as we smoked over the remains of the meal, "youstay with me and I'll give you one swell little time. I'll do thecooking, and between whiles we can sit right here and play cribbageday in and day out. You can get a taste of real life without moving. "

I saw then, if never before, that his deeper nature would not bearoused. Doubtless my passing success with him in Paris had marked thevery highest stage of his spiritual development. I did not need to betold now that he had left off sock-suspenders forever, nor did I wastewords in trying to recall him to his better self. Indeed for themoment I was too overwhelmed by fatigue even to remonstrate about hiswretched lounge-suit, and I early fell asleep on one of the beds whilehe was still engaged in washing the metal dishes upon which we hadeaten, singing the while the doleful ballad of "Rosalie, the PrairieFlower. "

It seemed but a moment later that I awoke, for Cousin Egbert was againbusy among the dishes, but I saw that another day had come and hissong had changed to one equally sad but quite different. "In the hazeldell my Nellie's sleeping, " he sang, though in a low voice and quitecheerfully. Indeed his entire repertoire of ballads was confined tothe saddest themes, chiefly of desirable maidens taken off untimelyeither by disease or accident. Besides "Rosalie, the Prairie Flower, "there was "Lovely Annie Lisle, " over whom the willows waved andearthly music could not waken; another named "Sweet Alice Ben Bolt"lying in the churchyard, and still another, "Lily Dale, " who waspictured "'neath the trees in the flowery vale, " with the wild roseblossoming o'er the little green grave. 

His face was indeed sad as he rendered these woful ballads and yet hisvoice and manner were of the cheeriest, and I dare say he sang withoutreference to their real tragedy. It was a school of American balladryquite at variance with the cheerful optimism of those I had heard fromthe Belknap-Jackson phonograph, where the persons are not dead at allbut are gayly calling upon one another to come on and do a folkdance, or hear a band or crawl under--things of that sort. As Cousin Egbertbent over a frying pan in which ham was cooking he crooned softly:

 "In the hazel dell my Nellie's sleeping, Nellie loved so long, While my lonely, lonely watch I'm keeping, Nellie lost and gone. "

I could attribute his choice only to that natural perversity whichprompted him always to do the wrong thing, for surely this affectingverse was not meant to be sung at such a moment. 

Attempting to arise, I became aware that the two days' journey hadleft me sadly lame and wayworn, also that my face was burned from thesun and that I had been awakened too soon. Fortunately I had with me ashilling jar of Ridley's Society Complexion Food, "the all-weatherwonder, " which I applied to my face with cooling results, and I thenfelt able to partake of a bit of the breakfast which Cousin Egbert nowbrought to my bedside. The ham was of course not cooked correctly andthe tea was again a mere corrosive, but so anxious was my host toplease me that I refrained from any criticism, though at another timeI should have told him straight what I thought of such cookery. 

When we had both eaten I slept again to the accompaniment of anothersad song and the muted rattle of the pans as Cousin Egbert did thescullery work, and it was long past the luncheon hour when I awoke, still lame from the saddle, but greatly refreshed. 

It was now that another blow befell me, for upon arising and searchingthrough my kit I discovered that my razors had been left behind. Byany thinking man the effect of this oversight will be instantlyperceived. Already low in spirits, the prospect of going unshavencould but aggravate my funk. I surrendered to the wave of homesicknessthat swept over me. I wanted London again, London with its yellow fogand greasy pavements, I wished to buy cockles off a barrow, I longedfor toasted crumpets, and most of all I longed for my old rightfulstation; longed to turn out a gentleman, longed for the HonourableGeorge and our peaceful if sometimes precarious existence among peopleof the right sort. The continued shocks since that fateful night ofthe cards had told upon me. I knew now that I had not been meant foradventure. Yet here I had turned up in the most savage of lands afterleading a life of dishonest pretence in a station to which I had notbeen born--and, for I knew not how many days, I should not be able toshave my face. 

But here again a ferment stirred in my blood, some electric thrill ofanarchy which had come from association with these Americans, astrange, lawless impulse toward their quite absurd ideals of equality, a monstrous ambition to be in myself some one that mattered, insteadof that pretended Colonel Ruggles who, I now recalled, was to-daypromised to bridge at the home of Mrs. Judge Ballard, where he wouldtalk of hunting in the shires, of the royal enclosure at Ascot, ofHurlingham and Ranleigh, of Cowes in June, of the excellence of theconverts at Chaynes-Wotten. No doubt it was a sort of madness nowseized me, consequent upon the lack of shaving utensils. 

I wondered desperately if there was a true place for me in this life. I had tasted their equality that day of debauch in Paris, butobviously the sensation could not permanently be maintained uponspirits. Perhaps I might obtain a post in a bank; I might become ashop-assistant, bag-man, even a pressman. These moody and unwholesomethoughts were clouding my mind as I surveyed myself in the wrinkledmirror which had seemed to suffice the uncritical Cousin Egbert forhis toilet. It hung between the portrait of a champion middle-weightcrouching in position and the calendar advertisement of a brewerywhich, as I could not fancy Cousin Egbert being in the least concernedabout the day of the month, had too evidently been hung on his wallbecause of the coloured lithograph of a blond creature in theatricalundress who smirked most immorally. 

Studying the curiously wavy effect this glass produced upon my face, Ichanced to observe in a corner of the frame a printed card with theheading "Take Courage!" To my surprise the thing, when I had read it, capped my black musings upon my position in a rather uncanny way. Briefly it recited the humble beginnings of a score or more of theworld's notable figures. 

"Demosthenes was the son of a cutler, " it began. "Horace was the sonof a shopkeeper. Virgil's father was a porter. Cardinal Wolsey was theson of a butcher. Shakespeare the son of a wool-stapler. " Followed theobscure parentage of such well-known persons as Milton, Napoleon, Columbus, Cromwell. Even Mohammed was noted as a shepherd andcamel-driver, though it seemed rather questionable taste to include inthe list one whose religion, as to family life, was rather scandalous. More to the point was the citation of various Americans who had sprungfrom humble beginnings: Lincoln, Johnson, Grant, Garfield, Edison. Itis true that there was not, apparently, a gentleman's servant amongthem; they were rail-splitters, boatmen, tailors, artisans of sorts, but the combined effect was rather overwhelming. 

From the first moment of my encountering the American social system, it seemed, I had been by way of becoming a rabid anarchist--that is, one feeling that he might become a gentleman regardless of hisbirth--and here were the disconcerting facts concerning a score ofnotables to confirm me in my heresy. It was not a thing to be spokenlightly of in loose discussion, but there can be no doubt that atthis moment I coldly questioned the soundness of our British system, the vital marrow of which is to teach that there is a differencebetween men and men. To be sure, it will have been seen that I was notmyself, having for a quarter year been subjected to a series ofnervous shocks, and having had my mind contaminated, moreover, bybeing brought into daily contact with this unthinking Americanequality in the person of Cousin Egbert, who, I make bold to assert, had never for one instant since his doubtless obscure birth consideredhimself the superior of any human being whatsoever. 

This much I advance for myself in extenuation of my lawlessimaginings, but of them I can abate no jot; it was all at once clearto me, monstrous as it may seem, that Nature and the British Empirewere at variance in their decrees, and that somehow a system was basewhich taught that one man is necessarily inferior to another. I daresay it was a sort of poisonous intoxication--that I should all at oncedeclare:

"His lordship tenth Earl of Brinstead and Marmaduke Ruggles are twomen; one has made an acceptable peer and one an acceptable valet, yetthe twain are equal, and the system which has made one inferiorsocially to the other is false and bad and cannot endure. " For amoment, I repeat, I saw myself a gentleman in the making--a clearfairway without bunkers from tee to green--meeting my equals with afriendly eye; and then the illumining shock, for I unconsciously addedto myself, "Regarding my inferiors with a kindly tolerance. " It wasthere I caught myself. So much a part of the system was I that, although I could readily conceive a society in which I had nosuperiors, I could not picture one in which I had not inferiors. Thesame poison that ran in the veins of their lordships ran also in theveins of their servants. I was indeed, it appeared, hopelesslyinoculated. Again I read the card. Horace was the son of a shopkeeper, but I made no doubt that, after he became a popular and successfulwriter of Latin verse, he looked down upon his own father. Only couldit have been otherwise, I thought, had he been born in this fermentingAmerica to no station whatever and left to achieve his rightful one. 

So I mused thus licentiously until one clear conviction possessed me:that I would no longer pretend to the social superiority of oneColonel Marmaduke Ruggles. I would concede no inferiority in myself, but I would not again, before Red Gap's county families vaunt myselfas other than I was. That this was more than a vagrant fancy on mypart will be seen when I aver that suddenly, strangely, alarmingly, Ino longer cared that I was unshaven and must remain so for an untoldnumber of days. I welcomed the unhandsome stubble that now projecteditself upon my face; I curiously wished all at once to be as badlygotten up as Cousin Egbert, with as little thought for my station inlife. I would no longer refrain from doing things because they were"not done. " My own taste would be the law. 

It was at this moment that Cousin Egbert appeared in the doorway withfour trout from the stream nearby, though how he had managed to snarethem I could not think, since he possessed no correct equipment forangling. I fancy I rather overwhelmed him by exclaiming, "Hello, Sour-dough!" since never before had I addressed him in any save aformal fashion, and it is certain I embarrassed him by my nextproceeding, which was to grasp his hand and shake it heartily, anaction that I could explain no more than he, except that the violenceof my self-communion was still upon me and required an outlet. Hegrinned amiably, then regarded me with a shrewd eye and demanded if Ihad been drinking. 

"This, " I said; "I am drunk with this, " and held the card up to him. But when he took it interestedly he merely read the obverse side whichI had not observed until now. "Go to Epstein's for Everything YouWear, " it said in large type, and added, "The Square Deal MammothStore. "

"They carry a nice stock, " he said, still a bit puzzled by my tone, "though I generally trade at the Red Front. " I turned the card overfor him and he studied the list of humble-born notables, though from apoint of view peculiarly his own. "I don't see, " he began, "what rightthey got to rake up all that stuff about people that's dead and gone. Who cares what their folks was!" And he added, "'Horace was the son ofa shopkeeper'--Horace who?" Plainly the matter did not excite him, andI saw it would be useless to try to convey to him what the items hadmeant to me. 

"I mean to say, I'm glad to be here with you, " I said. 

"I knew you'd like it, " he answered. "Everything is nice here. "

"America is some country, " I said. 

"She is, she is, " he answered. "And now you can bile up a pot of teain your own way while I clean these here fish for sapper. "

I made the tea. I regret to say there was not a tea cozy in the place;indeed the linen, silver, and general table equipment were sadlydeficient, but in my reckless mood I made no comment. 

"Your tea smells good, but it ain't got no kick to it, " he observedover his first cup. "When I drench my insides with tea I sort of wantit to take a hold. " And still I made no effort to set him right. I nowsaw that in all true essentials he did not need me to set him right. For so uncouth a person he was strangely commendable and worthy. 

As we sipped our tea in companionable silence, I busy with my new anddisturbing thoughts, a long shout came to us from the outer distance. Cousin Egbert brightened. 

"I'm darned if that ain't Ma Pettengill!" he exclaimed. "She's ridover from the Arrowhead. "

We rushed to the door, and in the distance, riding down upon us atterrific speed, I indeed beheld the Mixer. A moment later she reignedin her horse before us and hoarsely rumbled her greetings. I had lastseen her at a formal dinner where she was rather formidably done outin black velvet and diamonds. Now she appeared in a startling tenue ofkhaki riding-breeches and flannel shirt, with one of the wide-brimmedcow-person hats. Even at the moment of greeting her I could not butreflect how shocked our dear Queen would be at the sight of thisriding habit. 

She dismounted with hearty explanations of how she had left her"round-up" and ridden over to visit, having heard from the Tuttleperson that we were here. Cousin Egbert took her horse and she enteredthe hut, where to my utter amazement she at once did a feminine thing. Though from her garb one at a little distance might have thought her aman, a portly, florid, carelessly attired man, she made at once forthe wrinkled mirror where, after anxiously scanning her burned facefor an instant, she produced powder and puff from a pocket of hershirt and daintily powdered her generous blob of a nose. Havingachieved this to her apparent satisfaction, she unrolled a bundle shehad carried at her saddle and donned a riding skirt, buttoning itabout the waist and smoothing down its folds--before I could retire. 

"There, now, " she boomed, as if some satisfying finality had beenbrought about. Such was the Mixer. That sort of thing would never dowith us, and yet I suddenly saw that she, like Cousin Egbert, wasstrangely commendable and worthy. I mean to say, I no longer felt itwas my part to set her right in any of the social niceties. Somecurious change had come upon me. I knew then that I should no longerresist America. 

CHAPTER TWELVE

With a curious friendly glow upon me I set about helping Cousin Egbertin the preparation of our evening meal, a work from which, owing tothe number and apparent difficulty of my suggestions, he presentlywithdrew, leaving me in entire charge. It is quite true that I havepronounced views as to the preparation and serving of food, and I daresay I embarrassed the worthy fellow without at all meaning to do so, for too many of his culinary efforts betray the fumbling touch of theamateur. And as I worked over the open fire, doing the trout to aturn, stirring the beans, and perfecting the stew with deft touches ofseasoning, I worded to myself for the first time a most severeindictment against the North American cookery, based upon myobservations across the continent and my experience as a diner-out inRed Gap. 

I saw that it would never do with us, and that it ought, as a matterof fact, to be uplifted. Even then, while our guest chattered gossipof the town over her brown paper cigarettes, I felt the stirring of animpulse to teach Americans how to do themselves better at table. Forthe moment, of course, I was hampered by lack of equipment (there wasnot even a fish slice in the establishment), but even so I brewedproper tea and was able to impart to the simple viands a touch ofdistinction which they had lacked under Cousin Egbert'sall-too-careless manipulation. 

As I served the repast Cousin Egbert produced a bottle of the brownAmerican whiskey at which we pegged a bit before sitting to table. 

"Three rousing cheers!" said he, and the Mixer responded with "Happydays!"

As on that former occasion, the draught of spirits flooded my beingwith a vast consciousness of personal worth and of good feeling towardmy companions. With a true insight I suddenly perceived that one mightbelong to the great lower middle-class in America and still matter inthe truest, correctest sense of the term. 

As we fell hungrily to the food, the Mixer did not fail to praise mycooking of the trout, and she and Cousin Egbert were presentlylamenting the difficulty of obtaining a well-cooked meal in Red Gap. At this I boldly spoke up, declaring that American cookery lackedconstructive imagination, making only the barest use of itsmagnificent opportunities, following certain beaten andall-too-familiar roads with a slavish stupidity. 

"We nearly had a good restaurant, " said the Mixer. "A Frenchman cameand showed us a little flash of form, but he only lasted a monthbecause he got homesick. He had half the people in town going therefor dinner, too, to get away from their Chinamen--and after I spent alot of money fixing the place up for him, too. "

I recalled the establishment, on the main street, though I had notknown that our guest was its owner. Vacant it was now, and lookingquite as if the bailiffs had been in. 

"He couldn't cook ham and eggs proper, " suggested Cousin Egbert. "Itried him three times, and every time he done something French to 'emthat nobody had ought to do to ham and eggs. "

Hereupon I ventured to assert that a too-intense nationalism wouldprove the ruin of any chef outside his own country; there must be acertain breadth of treatment, a blending of the best features ofdifferent schools. One must know English and French methods and yet bea slave to neither; one must even know American cookery and beprepared to adapt its half-dozen or so undoubted excellencies. Fromthis I ventured further into a general criticism of the dinners I hadeaten at Red Gap's smartest houses. Too profuse they were, I said, andtoo little satisfying in any one feature; too many courses, constructed, as I had observed, after photographs printed in the backpages of women's magazines; doubtless they possessed a certainartistic value as sights for the eye, but considered as food they weredevoid of any inner meaning. 

"Bill's right, " said Cousin Egbert warmly. "Mrs. Effie, she gets upabout nine of them pictures, with nuts and grated eggs and scrambledtomatoes all over 'em, and nobody knowing what's what, and even whenyou strike one that tastes good they's only a dab of it and youmustn't ask for any more. When I go out to dinner, what I want is tohave 'em say, 'Pass up your plate, Mr. Floud, for another piece of thesteak and some potatoes, and have some more squash and help yourselfto the quince jelly. ' That's how it had ought to be, but I keep eatin'these here little plates of cut-up things and waiting for the realstuff, and first thing I know I get a spoonful of coffee in somethinglike you put eye medicine into, and I know it's all over. Last time Iwas out I hid up a dish of these here salted almuns under a fern andet the whole lot from time to time, kind of absent like. It helpedsome, but it wasn't dinner. "

"Same here, " put in the Mixer, saturating half a slice of bread in thesauce of the stew. "I can't afford to act otherwise than like I am alady at one of them dinners, but the minute I'm home I beat it for theicebox. I suppose it's all right to be socially elegant, but we hadn'tought to let it contaminate our food none. And even at that New Yorkhotel this summer you had to make trouble to get fed proper. I wantedstrawberry shortcake, and what do you reckon they dealt me? A thinglooking like a marble palace--sponge cake and whipped cream with a fewred spots in between. Well, long as we're friends here together, I maysay that I raised hell until I had the chef himself up and told himexactly what to do; biscuit dough baked and prized apart and buttered, strawberries with sugar on 'em in between and on top, and plenty ofregular cream. Well, after three days' trying he finally managed toget simple--he just couldn't believe I meant it at first, and keptbuilding on the whipped cream--and the thing cost eight dollars, butyou can bet he had me, even then; the bonehead smarty had sweetenedthe cream and grated nutmeg into it. I give up. 

"And if you can't get right food in New York, how can you expect tohere? And Jackson, the idiot, has just fired the only real cook in RedGap. Yes, sir; he's let the coons go. It come out that Waterman hadsneaked out that suit of his golf clothes that Kate Kenner wore in theminstrel show, so he fired them both, and now I got to support 'em, because, as long as we're friends here, I don't mind telling you Iegged the coon on to do it. "

I saw that she was referring to the black and his wife whom I had metat the New York camp, though it seemed quaint to me that they shouldbe called "coons, " which is, I take it, a diminutive for "raccoon, " aspecies of ground game to be found in America. 

Truth to tell, I enjoyed myself immensely at this simple butsatisfying meal, feeling myself one with these homely people, and Iwas sorry when we had finished. 

"That was some little dinner itself, " said the Mixer as she rolled acigarette; "and now you boys set still while I do up the dishes. " Norwould she allow either of us to assist her in this work. When she haddone, Cousin Egbert proceeded to mix hot toddies from the whiskey, andwe gathered about the table before the open fire. 

"Now we'll have a nice home evening, " said the Mixer, and to my greatembarrassment she began at once to speak to myself. 

"A strong man like him has got no business becoming a socialbutterfly, " she remarked to Cousin Egbert. 

"Oh, Bill's all right, " insisted the latter, as he had done so manytimes before. 

"He's all right so far, but let him go on for a year or so and hewon't be a darned bit better than what Jackson is, mark my words. Justa social butterfly, wearing funny clothes and attending afternoonaffairs. "

"Well, I don't say you ain't right, " said Cousin Egbert thoughtfully;"that's one reason I got him out here where everything is nice. Whatwith speaking pieces like an actor, I was afraid they'd have himmaking more kinds of a fool of himself than what Jackson does, himbeing a foreigner, and his mind kind o' running on what clothes a manhad ought to wear. "

Hereupon, so flushed was I with the good feeling of the occasion, Itold them straight that I had resolved to quit being Colonel Rugglesof the British army and associate of the nobility; that I haddetermined to forget all class distinctions and to become one ofthemselves, plain, simple, and unpretentious. It is true that I hadconsumed two of the hot grogs, but my mind was clear enough, and bothmy companions applauded this resolution. 

"If he can just get his mind off clothes for a bit he might amount tosomething, " said Cousin Egbert, and it will scarcely be credited, butat the moment I felt actually grateful to him for this admission. 

"We'll think about his case, " said the Mixer, taking her own secondtoddy, whereupon the two fell to talking of other things, chiefly oftheir cattle plantations and the price of beef-stock, which thenseemed to be six and one half, though what this meant I had no notion. Also I gathered that the Mixer at her own cattle-farm had beenwatching her calves marked with her monogram, though I would neverhave credited her with so much sentiment. 

When the retiring hour came, Cousin Egbert and I prepared to take ourblankets outside to sleep, but the Mixer would have none of this. 

"The last time I slept in here, " she remarked, "mice was crawling overme all night, so you keep your shack and I'll bed down outside. Iain't afraid of mice, understand, but I don't like to feel their feeton my face. "

And to my great dismay, though Cousin Egbert took it calmly enough, she took a roll of blankets and made a crude pallet on the groundoutside, under a spreading pine tree. I take it she was that sort. Theleast I could do was to secure two tins of milk from our larder andplace them near her cot, in case of some lurking high-behind, though Isaid nothing of this, not wishing to alarm her needlessly. 

Inside the hut Cousin Egbert and I partook of a final toddy beforeretiring. He was unusually thoughtful and I had difficulty inpersuading him to any conversation. Thus having noted a bearskinbefore my bed, I asked him if he had killed the animal. 

"No, " said he shortly, "I wouldn't lie for a bear as small as that. "As he was again silent, I made no further approaches to him. 

From my first sleep I was awakened by a long, booming yell from ourguest outside. Cousin Egbert and I reached the door at the same time. 

"I've got it!" bellowed the Mixer, and we went out to her in the chillnight. She sat up with the blankets muffled about her. 

"We start Bill in that restaurant, " she began. "It come to me in aflash. I judge he's got the right ideas, and Waterman and his wife cancook for him. "

"Bully!" exclaimed Cousin Egbert. "I was thinking he ought to have agents' furnishing store, on account of his mind running to dress, butyou got the best idea. "

"I'll stake him to the rent, " she put in. 

"And I'll stake him to the rest, " exclaimed Cousin Egbert delightedly, and, strange as it may seem, I suddenly saw myself a licensedvictualler. 

"I'll call it the 'United States Grill, '" I said suddenly, as if byinspiration. 

"Three rousing cheers for the U. S. Grill!" shouted Cousin Egbert tothe surrounding hills, and repairing to the hut he brought out hottoddies with which we drank success to the new enterprise. For ahalf-hour, I dare say, we discussed details there in the cold night, not seeing that it was quite preposterously bizarre. Returning to thehut at last, Cousin Egbert declared himself so chilled that he musthave another toddy before retiring, and, although I was alreadyfeeling myself the equal of any American, I consented to join him. 

Just before retiring again my attention centred a second time upon thebearskin before my bed and, forgetting that I had already inquiredabout it, I demanded of him if he had killed the animal. "Sure, " saidhe; "killed it with one shot just as it was going to claw me. It wasan awful big one. "

Morning found the three of us engrossed with the new plan, and by thetime our guest rode away after luncheon the thing was well forward andI had the Mixer's order upon her estate agent at Red Gap for admissionto the vacant premises. During the remainder of the day, between gamesof cribbage, Cousin Egbert and I discussed the venture. And it was nowthat I began to foresee a certain difficulty. 

How, I asked myself, would the going into trade of Colonel MarmadukeRuggles be regarded by those who had been his social sponsors in RedGap? I mean to say, would not Mrs. Effie and the Belknap-Jacksons feelthat I had played them false? Had I not given them the right tobelieve that I should continue, during my stay in their town, to beone whom their county families would consider rather a personage? Itwas idle, indeed, for me to deny that my personality as well as myassumed origin and social position abroad had conferred a sort ofprestige upon my sponsors; that on my account, in short, the NorthSide set had been newly armed in its battle with the Bohemian set. Andthey relied upon my continued influence. How, then, could I face themwith the declaration that I meant to become a tradesman? Should I bedoing a caddish thing, I wondered?

Putting the difficulty to Cousin Egbert, he dismissed it impatientlyby saying: "Oh, shucks!" In truth I do not believe he comprehended itin the least. But then it was that I fell upon my inspiration. I mighttake Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles from the North Side set, but I wouldgive them another and bigger notable in his place. This should be noneother than the Honourable George, whom I would now summon. A fortnightbefore I had received a rather snarky letter from him demanding toknow how long I meant to remain in North America and disclosing thathe was in a wretched state for want of some one to look after him. Andhe had even hinted that in the event of my continued absence he mighthimself come out to America and fetch me back. His quarter'sallowance, would, I knew, be due in a fortnight, and my letter wouldreach him, therefore, before some adventurer had sold him a system forbeating the French games of chance. And my letter would be compelling. I would make it a summons he could not resist. Thus, when I met thereproachful gaze of the C. Belknap-Jacksons and of Mrs. Effie, Ishould be able to tell them: "I go from you, but I leave you a betterman in my place. " With the Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell, next Earl of Brinstead, as their house guest, I made no doubt that theNorth Side set would at once prevail as it never had before, theBohemian set losing at once such of its members as really mattered, who would of course be sensible of the tremendous social importance ofthe Honourable George. 

Yet there came moments in which I would again find myself in no end ofa funk, foreseeing difficulties of an insurmountable character. Atsuch times Cousin Egbert strove to cheer me with all sorts ofassurances, and to divert my mind he took me upon excursions of theroughest sort into the surrounding jungle, in search either of fish orground game. After three days of this my park-suit became almost atotal ruin, particularly as to the trousers, so that I was glad toborrow a pair of overalls such as Cousin Egbert wore. They were a tidyfit, but, having resolved not to resist America any longer, I donnedthem without even removing the advertising placard. 

With my ever-lengthening stubble of beard it will be understood that Inow appeared as one of their hearty Western Americans of the roughesttype, which was almost quite a little odd, considering my formerprinciples. Cousin Egbert, I need hardly say, was immensely pleasedwith my changed appearance, and remarked that I was "sure a livewire. " He also heartened me in the matter of the possible disapprovalof C. Belknap-Jackson, which he had divined was the essential rabbitin my moodiness. 

"I admit the guy uses beautiful language, " he conceded, "and probablyhe's top-notched in education, but jest the same he ain't the wholeseven pillars of the house of wisdom, not by a long shot. If he getsfancy with you, soak him again. You done it once. " So far was theworthy fellow from divining the intimate niceties involved in mygiving up a social career for trade. Nor could he properly estimatethe importance of my plan to summon the Honourable George to Red Gap, merely remarking that the "Judge" was all right and a good mixer andthat the boys would give him a swell time. 

Our return journey to Red Gap was made in company with the IndianTuttle, and the two cow-persons, Hank and Buck, all of whom professedthemselves glad to meet me again, and they, too, were wildlyenthusiastic at hearing from Cousin Egbert of my proposed businessventure. Needless to say they were of a class that would bother itselflittle with any question of social propriety involved in my enteringtrade, and they were loud in their promises of future patronage. Atthis I again felt some misgiving, for I meant the United States Grillto possess an atmosphere of quiet refinement calculated to appeal toparticular people that really mattered; and yet it was plain that, keeping a public house, I must be prepared to entertain agriculturallabourers and members of the lower or working classes. For a time Idebated having an ordinary for such as these, where they could be shutaway from my selecter patrons, but eventually decided upon a tariffthat would be prohibitive to all but desirable people. The rougher orBohemian element, being required to spring an extra shilling, woulddoubtless seek other places. 

For two days we again filed through mountain gorges of a most awkwardcharacter, reaching Red Gap at dusk. For this I was rather grateful, not only because of my beard and the overalls, but on account of a hatof the most shocking description which Cousin Egbert had pressed uponme when my own deer-stalker was lost in a glen. I was willing toroughen it in all good-fellowship with these worthy Americans, but Iknew that to those who had remarked my careful taste in dress mypresent appearance would seem almost a little singular. I would ratherI did not shock them to this extent. 

Yet when our animals had been left in their corral, or rude enclosure, I found it would be ungracious to decline the hospitality of my newfriends who wished to drink to the success of the U. S. Grill, and so Iaccompanied them to several public houses, though with the shockinghat pulled well down over my face. Also, as the dinner hour passed, Iconsented to dine with them at the establishment of a Chinese, wherewe sat on high stools at a counter and were served ham and eggs andsome of the simpler American foods. 

The meal being over, I knew that we ought to cut off home directly, but Cousin Egbert again insisted upon visiting drinking-places, and Ihad no mind to leave him, particularly as he was growing more and morebitter in my behalf against Mr. Belknap-Jackson. I had a doubtlessabsurd fear that he would seek the gentleman out and do him amischief, though for the moment he was merely urging me to do this. Itwould, he asserted, vastly entertain the Indian Tuttle and thecow-persons if I were to come upon Mr. Belknap-Jackson and savage himwithout warning, or at least with only a paltry excuse, which heseemed proud of having devised. 

"You go up to the guy, " he insisted, "very polite, you understand, andask him what day this is. If he says it's Tuesday, soak him. "

"But it is Tuesday, " I said. 

"Sure, " he replied, "that's where the joke comes in. "

Of course this was the crudest sort of American humour and not to begiven a moment's serious thought, so I redoubled my efforts to detachhim from our honest but noisy friends, and presently had thesatisfaction of doing so by pleading that I must be up early on themorrow and would also require his assistance. At parting, to myembarrassment, he insisted on leading the group in a cheer. "What'sthe matter with Ruggles?" they loudly demanded in unison, followingthe query swiftly with: "He's all right!" the "he" being eloquentlyemphasized. 

But at last we were away from them and off into the darker avenue, tomy great relief, remembering my garb. I might be a living wire, asCousin Egbert had said, but I was keenly aware that his overalls andhat would rather convey the impression that I was what they call inthe States a bad person from a bitter creek. 

To my further relief, the Floud house was quite dark as we approachedand let ourselves in. Cousin Egbert, however, would enter thedrawing-room, flood it with light, and seat himself in an easy-chairwith his feet lifted to a sofa. He then raised his voice in a balladof an infant that had perished, rendering it most tearfully, therefrain being, "Empty is the cradle, baby's gone!" Apprehensive atthis, I stole softly up the stairs and had but reached the door of myown room when I heard Mrs. Effie below. I could fancy the chillinggaze which she fastened upon the singer, and I heard her coldlydemand, "Where are your feet?" Whereupon the plaintive voice of CousinEgbert arose to me, "Just below my legs. " I mean to say, he had takenthe thing as a quiz in anatomy rather than as the rebuke it was meantto be. As I closed my door, I heard him add that he could be pushedjust so far. 

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Having written and posted my letter to the Honourable George thefollowing morning, I summoned Mr. Belknap-Jackson, conceiving it myfirst duty to notify him and Mrs. Effie of my trade intentions. I alsorequested Cousin Egbert to be present, since he was my businesssponsor. 

All being gathered at the Floud house, including Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, I told them straight that I had resolved to abandon my social career, brilliant though it had been, and to enter trade quite as one of theirmiddle-class Americans. They all gasped a bit at my first words, as Ihad quite expected them to do, but what was my surprise, when I wenton to announce the nature of my enterprise, to find them not a littleintrigued by it, and to discover that in their view I should not inthe least be lowering myself. 

"Capital, capital!" exclaimed Belknap-Jackson, and the ladies emittedlittle exclamations of similar import. 

"At last, " said Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, "we shall have a place with toneto it. The hall above will be splendid for our dinner dances, and nowwe can have smart luncheons and afternoon teas. "

"And a red-coated orchestra and after-theatre suppers, " said Mrs. Effie. 

"Only, " put in Belknap-Jackson thoughtfully, "he will of course becompelled to use discretion about his patrons. The rabble, ofcourse----" He broke off with a wave of his hand which, although notpointedly, seemed to indicate Cousin Egbert, who once more wore thehunted look about his eyes and who sat by uneasily. I saw him wince. 

"Some people's money is just as good as other people's if you comeright down to it, " he muttered, "and Bill is out for the coin. Besides, we all got to eat, ain't we?"

Belknap-Jackson smiled deprecatingly and again waved his hand as ifthere were no need for words. 

"That rowdy Bohemian set----" began Mrs. Effie, but I made bold tointerrupt. There might, I said, be awkward moments, but I had no doubtthat I should be able to meet them with a flawless tact. Meantime, forthe ultimate confusion of the Bohemian set of Red Gap, I had toannounce that the Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell wouldpresently be with us. With him as a member of the North Side set, Ipointed out, it was not possible to believe that any desirable membersof the Bohemian set would longer refuse to affiliate with the smartestpeople. 

My announcement made quite all the sensation I had anticipated. Belknap-Jackson, indeed, arose quickly and grasped me by the hand, echoing, "The Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell, brother ofthe Earl of Brinstead, " with little shivers of ecstasy in his voice, while the ladies pealed their excitement incoherently, with "Really!really!" and "Actually coming to Red Gap--the brother of a lord!"

Then almost at once I detected curiously cold glances being darted ateach other by the ladies. 

"Of course we will be only too glad to put him up, " said Mrs. Belknap-Jackson quickly. 

"But, my dear, he will of course come to us first, " put in Mrs. Effie. "Afterward, to be sure----"

"It's so important that he should receive a favourable impression, "responded Mrs. Belknap-Jackson. 

"That's exactly why----" Mrs. Effie came back with not a littleobvious warmth. Belknap-Jackson here caught my eye. 

"I dare say Ruggles and I can be depended upon to decide a minormatter like that, " he said. 

The ladies both broke in at this, rather sputteringly, but CousinEgbert silenced them. 

"Shake dice for him, " he said--"poker dice, three throws, aces low. "

"How shockingly vulgar!" hissed Mrs. Belknap-Jackson. 

"Even if there were no other reason for his coming to us, " remarkedher husband coldly, "there are certain unfortunate associations whichought to make his entertainment here quite impossible. "

"If you're calling me 'unfortunate associations, '" remarked CousinEgbert, "you want to get it out of your head right off. I don't mindtelling you, the Judge and I get along fine together. I told him whenI was in Paris and Europe to look me up the first thing if ever hecome here, and he said he sure would. The Judge is some mixer, believeme!"

"The 'Judge'!" echoed the Belknap-Jacksons in deep disgust. 

"You come right down to it--I bet a cookie he stays just where I tellhim to stay, " insisted Cousin Egbert. The evident conviction of histone alarmed his hearers, who regarded each other with painedspeculation. 

"Right where I tell him to stay and no place else, " insisted CousinEgbert, sensing the impression he had made. 

"But this is too monstrous!" said Mr. Jackson, regarding meimploringly. 

"The Honourable George, " I admitted, "has been known to do unexpectedthings, and there have been times when he was not as sensitive as Icould wish to the demands of his caste----"

"Bill is stalling--he knows darned well the Judge is a mixer, " brokein Cousin Egbert, somewhat to my embarrassment, nor did any replyoccur to me. There was a moment's awkward silence during which Ibecame sensitive to a radical change in the attitude which thesepeople bore to Cousin Egbert. They shot him looks of furtive butunmistakable respect, and Mrs. Effie remarked almost with tenderness:"We must admit that Cousin Egbert has a certain way with him. "

"I dare say Floud and I can adjust the matter satisfactorily to all, "remarked Belknap-Jackson, and with a jaunty affection ofgood-fellowship, he opened his cigarette case to Cousin Egbert. 

"I ain't made up my mind yet where I'll have him stay, " announced thelatter, too evidently feeling his newly acquired importance. "I mayhave him stay one place, then again I may have him stay another. Ican't decide things like that off-hand. "

And here the matter was preposterously left, the aspirants for thissocial honour patiently bending their knees to the erstwhile despisedCousin Egbert, and the latter being visibly puffed up. By ratherawkward stages they came again to a discussion of the United StatesGrill. 

"The name, of course, might be thought flamboyant, " suggestedBelknap-Jackson delicately. 

"But I have determined, " I said, "no longer to resist America, and soI can think of no name more fitting. "

"Your determination, " he answered, "bears rather sinisterimplications. One may be vanquished by America as I have been. One mayeven submit; but surely one may always resist a little, may not one?One need not abjectly surrender one's finest convictions, need one?"

"Oh, shucks, " put in Cousin Egbert petulantly, "what's the use of allthat 'one' stuff? Bill wants a good American name for his place. Me? Ifirst thought the 'Bon Ton Eating House' would be kind of a nice namefor it, but as soon as he said the 'United States Grill' I knew it wasa better one. It sounds kind of grand and important. "

Belknap-Jackson here made deprecating clucks, but not too directlytoward Cousin Egbert, and my choice of a name was not furthercriticised. I went on to assure them that I should have anestablishment quietly smart rather than noisily elegant, and that Imade no doubt the place would give a new tone to Red Gap, whereat theyall expressed themselves as immensely pleased, and our littleconference came to an end. 

In company with Cousin Egbert I now went to examine the premises I wasto take over. There was a spacious corner room, lighted from the frontand side, which would adapt itself well to the decorative scheme I hadin mind. The kitchen with its ranges I found would be almost quitesuitable for my purpose, requiring but little alteration, but thelarge room was of course atrociously impossible in the Americanfashion, with unsightly walls, the floors covered with American clothof a garish pattern, and the small, oblong tables and flimsy chairsvastly uninviting. 

As to the gross ideals of the former tenant, I need only say that hehad made, as I now learned, a window display of foods, quite after themanner of a draper's window: moulds of custard set in a row, flankedon either side by "pies, " as the natives call their tarts, withperhaps a roast fowl or ham in the centre. Artistic vulgarity could ofcourse go little beyond this, but almost as offensive were theabundant wall-placards pathetically remaining in place. 

"Coffee like mother used to make, " read one. Impertinently intimatethis, professing a familiarity with one's people that would never dowith us. "Try our Boston Baked Beans, " pleaded another, quiteabjectly. And several others quite indelicately stated the prices atwhich different dishes might be had: "Irish Stew, 25 cents";"Philadelphia Capon, 35 cents"; "Fried Chicken, Maryland, 50 cents";"New York Fancy Broil, 40 cents. " Indeed the poor chap seemed to havebeen possessed by a geographical mania, finding it difficult to submitthe simplest viands without crediting them to distant towns orprovinces. 

Upon Cousin Egbert's remarking that these bedizened placards would"come in handy, " I took pains to explain to him just how different theUnited States Grill would be. The walls would be done in deep red; thefloor would be covered with a heavy Turkey carpet of the same tone;the present crude electric lighting fixtures must be replaced withindirect lighting from the ceiling and electric candlesticks for thetables. The latter would be massive and of stained oak, my generalcolour-scheme being red and brown. The chairs would be of the samestyle, comfortable chairs in which patrons would be tempted to linger. The windows would be heavily draped. In a word, the place would haveatmosphere; not the loud and blaring, elegance which I had observed inthe smartest of New York establishments, with shrieking decorationsand tables jammed together, but an atmosphere of distinction which, though subtle, would yet impress shop-assistants, plate-layers androad-menders, hodmen, carters, cattle-persons--in short themiddle-class native. 

Cousin Egbert, I fear, was not properly impressed with my plan, for helooked longingly at the wall-placards, yet he made the most loyalpretence to this effect, even when I explained further that I shouldprobably have no printed menu, which I have always regarded as theultimate vulgarity in a place where there are any proper relationsbetween patrons and steward. He made one wistful, timid reference tothe "Try Our Merchant's Lunch for 35 cents, " after which he gave inentirely, particularly when I explained that ham and eggs in the bestmanner would be forthcoming at his order, even though no placardvaunted them or named their price. Advertising one's ability to serveham and eggs, I pointed out to him, would be quite like advertisingthat one was a member of the Church of England. 

After this he meekly enough accompanied me to his bank, where heplaced a thousand pounds to my credit, adding that I could go as muchfarther as I liked, whereupon I set in motion the machinery fordecorating and furnishing the place, with particular attention tosilver, linen, china, and glassware, all of which, I was resolved, should have an air of its own. 

Nor did I neglect to seek out the pair of blacks and enter into anagreement with them to assist in staffing my place. I had feared thatthe male black might have resolved to return to his adventurous lifeof outlawry after leaving the employment of Belknap-Jackson, but Ifound him peacefully inclined and entirely willing to accept servicewith me, while his wife, upon whom I would depend for much of theactual cooking, was wholly enthusiastic, admiring especially mycolour-scheme of reds. I observed at once that her almost exclusivenotion of preparing food was to fry it, but I made no doubt that Iwould be able to broaden her scope, since there are of course thingsthat one simply does not fry. 

The male black, or raccoon, at first alarmed me not a little by reasonof threats he made against Belknap-Jackson on account of having beenshopped. He nursed an intention, so he informed me, of puttingsnake-dust in the boots of his late employer and so bringing evil uponhim, either by disease or violence, but in this I discouraged himsmartly, apprising him that the Belknap-Jacksons would doubtless beamong our most desirable patrons, whereupon his wife promised for himthat he would do nothing of the sort. She was a native of formidablebulk, and her menacing glare at her consort as she made this promisegave me instant confidence in her power to control him, desperatefellow though he was. 

Later in the day, at the door of the silversmith's, Cousin Egberthailed the pressman I had met on the evening of my arrival, andinsisted that I impart to him the details of my venture. The chapseemed vastly interested, and his sheet the following morningpublished the following:

 THE DELMONICO OF THE WEST

 Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles of London and Paris, for the past two months a social favourite in Red Gap's select North Side set, has decided to cast his lot among us and will henceforth be reckoned as one of our leading business men. The plan of the Colonel is nothing less than to give Red Gap a truly élite and recherché restaurant after the best models of London and Paris, to which purpose he will devote a considerable portion of his ample means. The establishment will occupy the roomy corner store of the Pettengill block, and orders have already been placed for its decoration and furnishing, which will be sumptuous beyond anything yet seen in our thriving metropolis. 

 In speaking of his enterprise yesterday, the Colonel remarked, with a sly twinkle in his eye, "Demosthenes was the son of a cutler, Cromwell's father was a brewer, your General Grant was a tanner, and a Mr. Garfield, who held, I gather, an important post in your government, was once employed on a canal-ship, so I trust that in this land of equality it will not be presumptuous on my part to seek to become the managing owner of a restaurant that will be a credit to the fastest growing town in the state. 

 "You Americans have, " continued the Colonel in his dry, inimitable manner, "a bewildering variety of foodstuffs, but I trust I may be forgiven for saying that you have used too little constructive imagination in the cooking of it. In the one matter of tea, for example, I have been obliged to figure in some episodes that were profoundly regrettable. Again, amid the profusion of fresh vegetables and meats, you are becoming a nation of tinned food eaters, or canned food as you prefer to call it. This, I need hardly say, adds to your cost of living and also makes you liable to one of the most dreaded of modern diseases, a disease whose rise can be traced to the rise of the tinned-food industry. Your tin openers rasp into the tin with the result that a fine sawdust of metal must drop into the contents and so enter the human system. The result is perhaps negligible in a large majority of cases, but that it is not universally so is proved by the prevalence of appendicitis. Not orange or grape pips, as was so long believed, but the deadly fine rain of metal shavings must be held responsible for this scourge. I need hardly say that at the United States Grill no tinned food will be used. "

 This latest discovery of the Colonel's is important if true. Be that as it may, his restaurant will fill a long-felt want, and will doubtless prove to be an important factor in the social gayeties of our smart set. Due notice of its opening will be given in the news and doubtless in the advertising columns of this journal. 

Again I was brought to marvel at a peculiarity of the American press, a certain childish eagerness for marvels and grotesque wonders. I hadgiven but passing thought to my remarks about appendicitis and itsrelation to the American tinned-food habit, nor, on reading the chap'sscreed, did they impress me as being fraught with vital interest tothinking people; in truth, I was more concerned with the comparison ofmyself to a restaurateur of the crude new city of New York, whichmight belittle rather than distinguish me, I suspected. But what wasmy astonishment to perceive in the course of a few days that I hadcreated rather a sensation, with attending newspaper publicity which, although bizarre enough, I am bound to say contributed not a little tothe consideration in which I afterward came to be held by the moreserious-minded persons of Red Gap. 

Busied with the multitude of details attending my installation, I wascalled upon by another press chap, representing a Spokane sheet, whowished me to elaborate my views concerning the most probable cause ofappendicitis, which I found myself able to do with some eloquence, reciting among other details that even though the metal dust might beof an almost microscopic fineness, it could still do a mischief toone's appendix. The press chap appeared wholly receptive to my views, and, after securing details of my plan to smarten Red Gap with arestaurant of real distinction, he asked so civilly for a photographicportrait of myself that I was unable to refuse him. The thing was asnap taken of me one morning at Chaynes-Wotten by Higgins, the butler, as I stood by his lordship's saddle mare. It was not by any means thebest likeness I have had, but there was a rather effective bit ofbackground disclosing the driveway and the façade of the East Wing. 

This episode I had well-nigh forgotten when on the following Sunday Ifound the thing emblazoned across a page of the Spokane sheet under ashrieking headline: "Can Opener Blamed for Appendicitis. " A secondaryheading ran, "Famous British Sportsman and Bon Vivant Advances NovelTheory. " Accompanying this was a print of the photograph entitled, "Colonel Marmaduke Ruggles with His Favourite Hunter, at His EnglishCountry Seat. "

Although the article made suitable reference to myself and myenterprise, it was devoted chiefly to a discussion of my tin-openingtheory and was supplemented by a rather snarky statement signed by aphysician declaring it to be nonsense. I thought the fellow might havechosen his words with more care, but again dismissed the matter frommy mind. Yet this was not to be the last of it. In due time came a NewYork sheet with a most extraordinary page. "Titled Englishman LearnsCause of Appendicitis, " read the heading in large, muddy type. Belowwas the photograph of myself, now entitled, "Sir Marmaduke Ruggles andHis Favourite Hunter. " But this was only one of the illustrations. From the upper right-hand corner a gigantic hand wielding a tin-openerrained a voluminous spray of metal, presumably, upon a cowering wretchin the lower left-hand corner, who was quite plainly all in. Therewere tables of statistics showing the increase, side by side ofappendicitis and the tinned-food industry, a matter to which I haddevoted, said the print, years of research before announcing mydiscovery. Followed statements from half a dozen distinguishedsurgeons, each signed autographically, all but one rather bluntlydisagreeing with me, insisting that the tin-opener cuts cleanly and, if not man's best friend, should at least be considered one of thetriumphs of civilization. The only exception announced that he was atpresent conducting laboratory experiments with a view to testing mytheory and would disclose his results in due time. Meantime, hecounselled the public to be not unduly alarmed. 

Of the further flood of these screeds, which continued for the betterpart of a year, I need not speak. They ran the gamut from seriousleaders in medical journals to paid ridicule of my theory inadvertisements printed by the food-tinning persons, and I have toadmit that in the end the public returned to a full confidence in itstinned foods. But that is beside the point, which was that Red Gap hadbecome intensely interested in the United States Grill, and to this Iwas not averse, though I would rather I had been regarded as one oftheir plain, common sort, instead of the fictitious Colonel whichCousin Egbert's well-meaning stupidity had foisted upon the town. The"Sir Marmaduke Ruggles and His Favourite Hunter" had been especiallyrepugnant to my finer taste, particularly as it was seized upon by thecheap one-and-six fellow Hobbs for some of his coarsest humour, hemore than once referring to that detestable cur of Mrs. Judson's, whohad quickly resumed his allegiance to me, as my "hunting pack. "

The other tradesmen of the town, I am bound to say, exhibited afriendly interest in my venture which was always welcome and oftenhelpful. Even one of my competitors showed himself to be a dead sportby coming to me from time to time with hints and advice. He was anentirely worthy person who advertised his restaurant as "Bert'sPlace. " "Go to Bert's Place for a Square Meal, " was his favoured linein the public prints. He, also, I regret to say, made a practice ofdisplaying cooked foods in his show-window, the window carrying theline in enamelled letters, "Tables Reserved for Ladies. "

Of course between such an establishment and my own there could belittle in common, and I was obliged to reject a placard which heoffered me, reading, "No Checks Cashed. This Means You!" although heand Cousin Egbert warmly advised that I display it in a conspicuousplace. "Some of them dead beats in the North Side set will put yousideways if you don't, " warned the latter, but I held firmly to theline of quiet refinement which I had laid down, and explained that Icould allow no such inconsiderate mention of money to be obtruded uponthe notice of my guests. I would devise some subtler protectionagainst the dead beet-roots. 

In the matter of music, however, I was pleased to accept the advice ofCousin Egbert. "Get one of them musical pianos that you put a nickelin, " he counselled me, and this I did, together with an assortedrepertoire of selections both classical and popular, the latterconsisting chiefly of the ragging time songs to which the nativeAmericans perform their folkdances. 

And now, as the date of my opening drew near, I began to suspect thatits social values might become a bit complicated. Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, for example, approached me in confidence to know if she might reserveall the tables in my establishment for the opening evening, remarkingthat it would be as well to put the correct social cachet upon theplace at once, which would be achieved by her inviting only thedesirable people. Though she was all for settling the matter at once, something prompted me to take it under consideration. 

The same evening Mrs. Effie approached me with a similar suggestion, remarking that she would gladly take it upon herself to see that theoccasion was unmarred by the presence of those one would not care tomeet in one's own home. Again I was non-committal, somewhat to herannoyance. 

The following morning I was sought by Mrs. Judge Ballard with theinformation that much would depend upon my opening, and if the matterwere left entirely in her hands she would be more than glad to insureits success. Of her, also, I begged a day's consideration, suspectingthen that I might be compelled to ask these three social leaders tounite amicably as patronesses of an affair that was bound to have asupreme social significance. But as I still meditated profoundly overthe complication late that afternoon, overlooking in the meanwhile anelectrician who was busy with my shaded candlesticks, I was surprisedby the self-possessed entrance of the leader of the Bohemian set, theKlondike person of whom I have spoken. Again I was compelled toobserve that she was quite the most smartly gowned woman in Red Gap, and that she marvellously knew what to put on her head. 

She coolly surveyed my decorations and such of the furnishings as werein place before addressing me. 

"I wish to engage one of your best tables, " she began, "for youropening night--the tenth, isn't it?--this large one in the corner willdo nicely. There will be eight of us. Your place really won't be halfbad, if your food is at all possible. "

The creature spoke with a sublime effrontery, quite as if she had nothelped a few weeks before to ridicule all that was best in Red Gapsociety, yet there was that about her which prevented me from rebukingher even by the faintest shade in my manner. More than this, Isuddenly saw that the Bohemian set would be a factor in my trade whichI could not afford to ignore. While I affected to consider her requestshe tapped the toe of a small boot with a correctly rolled umbrella, lifting her chin rather attractively meanwhile to survey my freshlydone ceiling. I may say here that the effect of her was mostcompelling, and I could well understand the bitterness with which theladies of the Onwards and Upwards Society had gossiped her to rags. Incidently, this was the first correctly rolled umbrella, saving myown, that I had seen in North America. 

"I shall be pleased, " I said, "to reserve this table for you--eightplaces, I believe you said?"

She left me as a duchess might have. She was that sort. I felt almostquite unequal to her. And the die was cast. I faced each of the threeladies who had previously approached me with the declaration that Iwas a licensed victualler, bound to serve all who might apply. Thatwhile I was keenly sensitive to the social aspects of my business, itwas yet a business, and I must, therefore, be in supreme control. Injustice to myself I could not exclusively entertain any faction of theNorth Side set, nor even the set in its entirety. In each instance, Iadded that I could not debar from my tables even such members of theBohemian set as conducted themselves in a seemly manner. It was adifficult situation, calling out all my tact, yet I faced it with afirmness which was later to react to my advantage in ways I did notyet dream of. 

So engrossed for a month had I been with furnishers, decorators, charpersons, and others that the time of the Honourable George's arrivaldrew on quite before I realized it. A brief and still snarky note hadapprised me of his intention to come out to North America, whereupon Ihad all but forgotten him, until a telegram from Chicago or one ofthose places had warned me of his imminence. This I displayed toCousin Egbert, who, much pleased with himself, declared that theHonourable George should be taken to the Floud home directly upon hisarrival. 

"I meant to rope him in there on the start, " he confided to me, "but Ilet on I wasn't decided yet, just to keep 'em stirred up. Mrs. Effieshe butters me up with soft words every day of my life, and thatJackson lad has offered me about ten thousand of them vegetablecigarettes, but I'll have to throw him down. He's the human flivver. Put him in a car of dressed beef and he'd freeze it between here andSpokane. Yes, sir; you could cut his ear off and it wouldn't bleed. Iain't going to run the Judge against no such proposition like that. "Of course the poor chap was speaking his own backwoods metaphor, as Iam quite sure he would have been incapable of mutilatingBelknap-Jackson, or even of imprisoning him in a goods van of beef. Imean to say, it was merely his way of speaking and was not to be takenat all literally. 

As a result of his ensuing call upon the pressman, the sheet of thefollowing morning contained word of the Honourable George's coming, the facts being not garbled more than was usual with this chap. 

 RED GAP'S NOTABLE GUEST

 En route for our thriving metropolis is a personage no less distinguished than the Honourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell, only brother and next in line of succession to his lordship the Earl of Brinstead, the well-known British peer of London, England. Our noble visitor will be the house guest of Senator and Mrs. J. K. Floud, at their palatial residence on Ophir Avenue, where he will be extensively entertained, particularly by our esteemed fellow-townsman, Egbert G. Floud, with whom he recently hobnobbed during the latter's stay in Paris, France. His advent will doubtless prelude a season of unparalleled gayety, particularly as Mr. Egbert Floud assures us that the "Judge, " as he affectionately calls him, is "sure some mixer. " If this be true, the gentleman has selected a community where his talent will find ample scope, and we bespeak for his lordship a hearty welcome. 

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

I must do Cousin Egbert the justice to say that he showed a due sense ofhis responsibility in meeting the Honourable George. By general consentthe honour had seemed to fall to him, both the Belknap-Jacksons and Mrs. Effie rather timidly conceding his claim that the distinguished guestwould prefer it so. Indeed, Cousin Egbert had been loudly arrogant inthe matter, speaking largely of his European intimacy with the "Judge"until, as he confided to me, he "had them all bisoned, " or, I believe, "buffaloed" is the term he used, referring to the big-game animal thathas been swept from the American savannahs. 

At all events no one further questioned his right to be at the stationwhen the Honourable George arrived, and for the first time almostsince his own homecoming he got himself up with some attention todetail. If left to himself I dare say he would have donned frock-coatand top-hat, but at my suggestion he chose his smartest lounge-suit, and I took pains to see that the minor details of hat, boots, hose, gloves, etc. , were studiously correct without being at all assertive. 

For my own part, I was also at some pains with my attire goingconsciously a bit further with details than Cousin Egbert, thinking itbest the Honourable George should at once observe a change in mybearing and social consequence so that nothing in his manner toward memight embarrassingly publish our former relations. The stick, gloves, and monocle would achieve this for the moment, and once alone I meantto tell him straight that all was over between us as master and man, we having passed out of each other's lives in that respect. Ifnecessary, I meant to read to him certain passages from the so-called"Declaration of Independence, " and to show him the fateful little cardI had found, which would acquaint him, I made no doubt, with the greatchange that had come upon me, after which our intimacy would restsolely upon the mutual esteem which I knew to exist between us. I meanto say, it would never have done for one moment at home, but findingourselves together in this wild and lawless country we would neitherof us try to resist America, but face each other as one equal nativeto another. 

Waiting on the station platform with Cousin Egbert, he confided to theloungers there that he was come to meet his friend Judge Basingwell, whereat all betrayed a friendly interest, though they were not at allpersons that mattered, being of the semi-leisured class who each daywent down, as they put it, "to see Number Six go through. " There wasthus a rather tense air of expectancy when the train pulled in. Fromone of the Pullman night coaches emerged the Honourable George, preceded by a blackamoor or raccoon bearing bags and bundles, andfollowed by another uniformed raccoon and a white guard, also bearingbags and bundles, and all betraying a marked anxiety. 

One glance at the Honourable George served to confirm certain fears Ihad suffered regarding his appearance. Topped by a deer-stalkingfore-and-aft cap in an inferior state of preservation, he wore thejacket of a lounge-suit, once possible, doubtless, but now demoded, and a blazered golfing waistcoat, striking for its poisonous greens, trousers from an outing suit that I myself had discarded after it cameto me, and boots of an entirely shocking character. Of his cravat Ihave not the heart to speak, but I may mention that all his garmentswere quite horrid with wrinkles and seemed to have been slept inrepeatedly. 

Cousin Egbert at once rushed forward to greet his guest, while Ibusied myself in receiving the hand-luggage, wishing to have our guesteffaced from the scene and secluded, with all possible speed. Therewere three battered handbags, two rolls of travelling rugs, astick-case, a dispatch-case, a pair of binoculars, a hat-box, atop-coat, a storm-coat, a portfolio of correspondence materials, acamera, a medicine-case, some of these lacking either strap or handle. The attendants all emitted hearty sighs of relief when these articleshad been deposited upon the platform. Without being told, I divinedthat the Honourable George had greatly worried them during the longjourney with his fretful demands for service, and I tipped themhandsomely while he was still engaged with Cousin Egbert and thelatter's station-lounging friends to whom he was being presented. Atlast, observing me, he came forward, but halted on surveying theluggage, and screamed hoarsely to the last attendant who was nowboarding the train. The latter vanished, but reappeared, as the trainmoved off, with two more articles, a vacuum night-flask and a tin ofcharcoal biscuits, the absence of which had been swiftly detected bytheir owner. 

It was at that moment that one of the loungers nearby made a peculiarobservation. "Gee!" said he to a native beside him, "it must take anawful lot of trouble to be an Englishman. " At the moment this seemedto me to be pregnant with meaning, though doubtless it was because Ihad so long been a resident of the North American wilds. 

Again the Honourable George approached me and grasped my hand beforecertain details of my attire and, I fancy, a certain change in mybearing, attracted his notice. Perhaps it was the single glass. Hisgrasp of my hand relaxed and he rubbed his eyes as if dazed from ablow, but I was able to carry the situation off quite nicely undercover of the confusion attending his many bags and bundles, beinghelped also at the moment by the deeply humiliating discovery of acertain omission from his attire. I could not at first believe my eyesand was obliged to look again and again, but there could be no doubtabout it: the Honourable George was wearing a single spat!

I cried out at this, pointing, I fancy, in a most undignified manner, so terrific had been the shock of it, and what was my amazement tohear him say: "But I _had_ only one, you silly! How could I wear'em both when the other was lost in that bally rabbit-hutch they putme in on shipboard? No bigger than a parcels-lift!" And he had tooplainly crossed North America in this shocking state! Glad I was thenthat Belknap-Jackson was not present. The others, I dare say, considered it a mere freak of fashion. As quickly as I could, Ihustled him into the waiting carriage, piling his luggage about him tothe best advantage and hurrying Cousin Egbert after him as rapidly asI could, though the latter, as on the occasion of my own arrival, halted our departure long enough to present the Honourable George tothe driver. 

"Judge, shake hands with my friend Eddie Pierce. " adding as theceremony was performed, "Eddie keeps a good team, any time you want ahack-ride. "

"Sure, Judge, " remarked the driver cordially. "Just call up Main 224, any time. Any friend of Sour-dough's can have anything they want nightor day. " Whereupon he climbed to his box and we at last drove away. 

The Honourable George had continued from the moment of our meeting toglance at me in a peculiar, side-long fashion. He seemed fascinatedand yet unequal to a straight look at me. He was undoubtedly dazed, asI could discern from his absent manner of opening the tin of charcoalbiscuits and munching one. I mean to say, it was too obviously a meremechanical impulse. 

"I say, " he remarked to Cousin Egbert, who was beaming fondly at him, "how strange it all is! It's quite foreign. "

"The fastest-growing little town in the State, " said Cousin Egbert. 

"But what makes it grow so silly fast?" demanded the other. 

"Enterprise and industries, " answered Cousin Egbert loftily. 

"Nothing to make a dust about, " remarked the Honourable George, staring glassily at the main business thoroughfare. "I've seen largertowns--scores of them. "

"You ain't begun to see this town yet, " responded Cousin Egbertloyally, and he called to the driver, "Has he, Eddie?"

"Sure, he ain't!" said the driver person genially. "Wait till he seesthe new waterworks and the sash-and-blind factory!"

"Is he one of your gentleman drivers?" demanded the Honourable George. "And why a blind factory?"

"Oh, Eddie's good people all right, " answered the other, "and thefactory turns out blinds and things. "

"Why turn them out?" he left this and continued: "He's like thatAmerican Johnny in London that drives his own coach to Brighton, yes?Ripping idea! Gentleman driver. But I say, you know, I'll sit on thebox with him. Pull up a bit, old son!"

To my consternation the driver chap halted, and before I couldremonstrate the Honourable George had mounted to the box beside him. Thankful I was we had left the main street, though in the residenceavenue where the change was made we attracted far more attention thanwas desirable. "Didn't I tell you he was some mixer?" demanded CousinEgbert of me, but I was too sickened to make any suitable response. The Honourable George's possession of a single spat was now flaunted, as it were, in the face of Red Gap's best families. 

"How foreign it all is!" he repeated, turning back to us, yet withonly his side-glance for me. "But the American Johnny in London had amuch smarter coach than this, and better animals, too. You're not upto his class yet, old thing!"

"That dish-faced pinto on the off side, " remarked the driver, "canoutrun anything in this town for fun, money, or marbles. "

"Marbles!" called the Honourable George to us; "why marbles? Sillythings! It's all bally strange! And why do your villagers stare so?"

"Some little mixer, all right, all right, " murmured Cousin Egbert in asort of ecstasy, as we drew up at the Floud home. "And yet one of themguys back there called him a typical Britisher. You bet I shut him upquick--saying a thing like that about a plumb stranger. I'd 'a' mixedit with him right there except I thought it was better to have thingsnice and not start something the minute the Judge got here. "

With all possible speed I hurried the party indoors, for already faceswere appearing at the windows of neighbouring houses. Mrs. Effie, whomet us, allowed her glare at Cousin Egbert, I fancy, to affect thecordiality of her greeting to the Honourable George; at least sheseemed to be quite as dazed as he, and there was a moment ofconstraint before he went on up to the room that had been prepared forhim. Once safely within the room I contrived a moment alone with himand removed his single spat, not too gently, I fear, for the nervousstrain since his arrival had told upon me. 

"You have reason to be thankful, " I said, "that Belknap-Jackson wasnot present to witness this. "

"They cost seven and six, " he muttered, regarding the one spatwistfully. "But why Belknap-Jackson?"

"Mr. C. Belknap-Jackson of Boston and Red Gap, " I returned sternly. "He does himself perfectly. To think he might have seen you in thisrowdyish state!" And I hastened to seek a presentable lounge-suit fromhis bags. 

"Everything is so strange, " he muttered again, quite helplessly. "Andwhy the mural decoration at the edge of the settlement? Why keep one'seye upon it? Why should they do such things? I say, it's all quitemonstrous, you know. "

I saw that indeed he was quite done for with amazement, so I ran him abath and procured him a dish of tea. He rambled oddly at moments ofthings the guard on the night-coach had told him of North America, ofNiagara Falls, and Missouri and other objects of interest. He wasstill almost quite a bit dotty when I was obliged to leave him for anappointment with the raccoon and his wife to discuss the menu of myopening dinner, but Cousin Egbert, who had rejoined us, was listeningsympathetically. As I left, the two were pegging it from a bottle ofhunting sherry which the Honourable George had carried in hisdispatch-case. I was about to warn him that he would come out spotted, but instantly I saw that there must be an end to such surveillance. Icould not manage an enterprise of the magnitude of the United StatesGrill and yet have an eye to his meat and drink. I resolved to letspots come as they would. 

On all hands I was now congratulated by members of the North Side setupon the master-stroke I had played in adding the Honourable George totheir number. Not only did it promise to reunite certain warringfactions in the North Side set itself, but it truly bade fair todisintegrate the Bohemian set. Belknap-Jackson wrung my hand thatafternoon, begging me to inform the Honourable George that he wouldcall on the morrow to pay his respects. Mrs. Judge Ballard besought meto engage him for an early dinner, and Mrs. Effie, it is needless tosay, after recovering from the shock of his arrival, which sheattributed to Cousin Egbert's want of taste, thanked me with a wealthof genuine emotion. 

Only by slight degrees, then, did it fall to be noticed that theHonourable George did not hold himself to be too strictly bound by oursocial conventions as to whom one should be pally with. Thus, on themorrow, at the hour when the Belknap-Jacksons called, he wasregrettably absent on what Cousin Egbert called "a hack-ride" with thedriver person he had met the day before, nor did they return untilafter the callers had waited the better part of two hours. CousinEgbert, as usual, received the blame for this, yet neither of theBelknap-Jacksons nor Mrs. Effie dared to upbraid him. 

Being presented to the callers, I am bound to say that the HonourableGeorge showed himself to be immensely impressed by Belknap-Jackson, whom I had never beheld more perfectly vogue in all his appointments. He became, in fact, rather moody in the presence of this subtleniceness of detail, being made conscious, I dare say, of his ownsloppy lounge-suit, rumpled cravat, and shocking boots, and despiteBelknap-Jackson's amiable efforts to draw him into talk about huntingin the shires and our county society at home, I began to fear thatthey would not hit it off together. The Honourable George did, however, consent to drive with his caller the following day, and Irelied upon the tandem to recall him to his better self. But when thecallers had departed he became quite almost plaintive to me. 

"I say, you know, I shan't be wanted to pal up much with that chap, shall I? I mean to say, he wears so many clothes. They make me writheas if I wore them myself. It won't do, you know. "

I told him very firmly that this was piffle of the most wretched sort. That his caller wore but the prescribed number of garments, each vogueto the last note, and that he was a person whom one must know. Heresponded pettishly that he vastly preferred the gentleman driver withwhom he had spent the afternoon, and "Sour-dough, " as he was nowcalling Cousin Egbert. 

"Jolly chaps, with no swank, " he insisted. "We drove quite almosteverywhere--waterworks, cemetery, sash-and-blind factory. You know Ithought 'blind factory' was some of their bally American slang for theshop of a chap who made eyeglasses and that sort of thing, but nothingof the kind. They saw up timbers there quite all over the place andnail them up again into articles. It's all quite foreign. "

Nor was his account of his drive with Belknap-Jackson the followingday a bit more reassuring. 

"He wouldn't stop again at the sash-and-blind factory, where I wishedto see the timbers being sawed and nailed, but drove me to a countryclub which was not in the country and wasn't a club; not a humanthere, not even a barman. Fancy a club of that sort! But he took me tohis own house for a glass of sherry and a biscuit, and there it wasn'tso rotten. Rather a mother-in-law I think, she is--bally old boominggrenadier--topping sort--no end of fun. We palled up immensely and Iquite forgot the Jackson chap till it was time for him to drive meback to these diggings. Rather sulky he was, I fancy; uppish sort. Told him the old one was quite like old Caroline, dowager duchess ofClewe, but couldn't tell if it pleased him. Seemed to like it andseemed not to: rather uncertain. 

"Asked him why the people of the settlement pronounced his name'Belknap Hyphen Jackson, ' and that seemed to make him snarky again. Imean to say names with hyphen marks in 'em--I'd never heard the hyphenpronounced before, but everything is so strange. He said only thelowest classes did it as a form of coarse wit, and that he was wastinghimself here. Wouldn't stay another day if it were not for familyreasons. Queer sort of wheeze to say 'hyphen' in a chap's name as ifit were a word, when it wasn't at all. The old girl, though--bellowershe is--perfectly top-hole; familiar with cattle--all that sort ofthing. Sent away the chap's sherry and had 'em bring whiskey and soda. The hyphen chap fidgeted a good bit--nervous sort, I take it. Lookedthrough a score of magazines, I dare say, when he found we didn'tnotice him much; turned the leaves too fast to see anything, though;made noises and coughed--that sort of thing. Fine old girl. Daughter, hyphen chap's wife, tried to talk, too, some rot about the seasonbeing well on here, and was there a good deal of society in London, and would I be free for dinner on the ninth?

"Silly chatter! old girl talked sense: cattle, mines, timber, blindfactory, two-year olds, that kind of thing. Shall see her often. Notthe hyphen chap, though; too much like one of those Bond Streetmilliner-chap managers. "

Vague misgivings here beset me as to the value of the HonourableGeorge to the North Side set. Nor could I feel at all reassured on thefollowing day when Mrs. Effie held an afternoon reception in hishonour. That he should be unaware of the event's importance was to beexpected, for as yet I had been unable to get him to take the Red Gapsocial crisis seriously. At the hour when he should have been dressedand ready I found him playing at cribbage with Cousin Egbert in thelatter's apartment, and to my dismay he insisted upon finishing therubber although guests were already arriving. 

Even when the game was done he flatly refused to dress suitably, declaring that his lounge-suit should be entirely acceptable to theserough frontier people, and he consented to go down at all only oncondition that Cousin Egbert would accompany him. Thereafter for anhour the two of them drank tea uncomfortably as often as it was giventhem, and while the Honourable George undoubtedly made his impression, I could not but regret that he had so few conversational graces. 

How different, I reflected, had been my own entrée into this countysociety! As well as I might I again carried off the day for theHonourable George, endeavouring from time to time to put him at hisease, yet he breathed an unfeigned sigh of relief when the last guesthad left and he could resume his cribbage with Cousin Egbert. But hehad received one impression of which I was glad: an impression of myown altered social quality, for I had graced the occasion with anurbanity which was as far beyond him as it must have been astonishing. It was now that he began to take seriously what I had told him of mybusiness enterprise, so many of the guests having mentioned it to himin terms of the utmost enthusiasm. After my first accounts to him hehad persisted in referring to it as a tuck-shop, a sort of place whereschoolboys would exchange their halfpence for toffy, sweet-cakes, andmarbles. 

Now he demanded to be shown the premises and was at once dulyimpressed both with their quiet elegance and my own business acumen. How it had all come about, and why I should be addressed as "ColonelRuggles" and treated as a person of some importance in the community, I dare say he has never comprehended to this day. As I had planned todo, I later endeavoured to explain to him that in North Americapersons were almost quite equal to one another--being born so--but atthis he told me not to be silly and continued to regard my rise as aninsoluble part of the strangeness he everywhere encountered, evenafter I added that Demosthenes was the son of a cutler, that CardinalWolsey's father had been a pork butcher, and that Garfield had workedon a canal-boat. I found him quite hopeless. "Chaps go dotty talkin'that piffle, " was his comment. 

At another time, I dare say, I should have been rather distressed overthis inability of the Honourable George to comprehend and adapthimself to the peculiarities of American life as readily as I haddone, but just now I was quite too taken up with the details of myopening to give it the deeper consideration it deserved. In fact, there were moments when I confessed to myself that I did not caretuppence about it, such was the strain upon my executive faculties. When decorators and furnishers had done their work, when the choicecarpet was laid, when the kitchen and table equipments were completedto the last detail, and when the lighting was artistically correct, there was still the matter of service. 

As to this, I conceived and carried out what I fancy was rather abrilliant stroke, which was nothing less than to eliminate the fellowHobbs as a social factor of even the Bohemian set. In contracting withhim for my bread and rolls, I took an early opportunity of setting thechap in his place, as indeed it was not difficult to do when he hadobserved the splendid scale on which I was operating. At our secondinterview he was removing his hat and addressing me as "sir. "

While I have found that I can quite gracefully place myself on a levelwith the middle-class American, there is a serving type of our ownpeople to which I shall eternally feel superior; the Hobbs fellow wasof this sort, having undeniably the soul of a lackey. In addition tojobbing his bread and rolls, I engaged him as pantry man, and took onsuch members of his numerous family as were competent. His wife was toassist my raccoon cook in the kitchen, three of his sons were to serveas waiters, and his youngest, a lad in his teens, I installed asvestiare, garbing him in a smart uniform and posting him to relieve mygentleman patrons of their hats and top-coats. A daughter wassimilarly installed as maid, and the two achieved an effect ofsmartness unprecedented in Red Gap, an effect to which I am glad tosay that the community responded instantly. 

In other establishments it was the custom for patrons to hang theirgarments on hat-pegs, often under a printed warning that theproprietor would disclaim responsibility in case of loss. In the oneknown as "Bert's Place" indeed the warning was positively vulgar:"Watch Your Overcoat. " Of course that sort of coarseness would havebeen impossible in my own place. 

As another important detail I had taken over from Mrs. Judson herstock of jellies and compotes which I had found to be of a mostexcellent character, and had ordered as much more as she could manageto produce, together with cut flowers from her garden for my tables. She, herself, being a young woman of the most pleasing capabilities, had done a bit of charring for me and was now to be in charge of theglassware, linen, and silver. I had found her, indeed, highlysympathetic with my highest aims, and not a few of her suggestions asto management proved to be entirely sound. Her unspeakable dogcontinued his quite objectionable advances to me at every opportunity, in spite of my hitting him about, rather, when I could do sounobserved, but the sinister interpretation that might be placed uponthis by the baser-minded was now happily answered by the circumstanceof her being in my employment. Her child, I regret to say, was stillgrossly overfed, seldom having its face free from jam or other smears. It persisted, moreover, in twisting my name into "Ruggums, " which Ifound not a little embarrassing. 

The night of my opening found me calmly awaiting the triumph that wasdue me. As some one has said of Napoleon, I had won my battle in mytent before the firing of a single shot. I mean to say, I had lookedso conscientiously after details, even to assuring myself that CousinEgbert and the Honourable George would appear in evening dress, mylast act having been to coerce each of them into purchasing varnishedboots, the former submitting meekly enough, though the HonourableGeorge insisted it was a silly fuss. 

At seven o'clock, having devoted a final inspection to the kitchenwhere the female raccoon was well on with the dinner, and having notedthat the members of my staff were in their places, I gave a lastpleased survey of my dining-room, with its smartly equipped tables, flower-bedecked, gleaming in the softened light from my shadedcandlesticks. Truly it was a scene of refined elegance such as Red Gaphad never before witnessed within its own confines, and I had seen toit that the dinner as well would mark an epoch in the lives of thesesimple but worthy people. 

Not a heavy nor a cloying repast would they find. Indeed, the baresimplicity of my menu, had it been previously disclosed, woulddoubtless have disappointed more than one of my dinner-givingpatronesses; but each item had been perfected to an extent neverachieved by them. Their weakness had ever been to serve a profusion ofneutral dishes, pleasing enough to the eye, but unedifying except as aspectacle. I mean to say, as food it was noncommittal; it failed tointrigue. 

I should serve only a thin soup, a fish, small birds, two vegetables, a salad, a sweet and a savoury, but each item would prove worthy ofthe profoundest consideration. In the matter of thin soup, forexample, the local practice was to serve a fluid of which, beyond thecircumstance that it was warmish and slightly tinted, nothing ofinterest could ever be ascertained. My own thin soup would be arevelation to them. Again, in the matter of fish. This course with thehostesses of Red Gap had seemed to be merely an excuse for a pause. Ihad truly sympathized with Cousin Egbert's bitter complaint: "Theyhand you a dab of something about the size of a watch-charm with twostrings of potato. "

For the first time, then, the fish course in Red Gap was to be anevent, an abundant portion of native fish with a lobster sauce which Ihad carried out to its highest power. My birds, hot from the oven, would be food in the strictest sense of the word, my vegetables cookedwith a zealous attention, and my sweet immensely appealing withoutbeing pretentiously spectacular. And for what I believed to be quitethe first time in the town, good coffee would be served. Disheartening, indeed, had been the various attenuations of coffeewhich had been imposed upon me in my brief career as a diner-out amongthese people. Not one among them had possessed the genius to master anacceptable decoction of the berry, the bald simplicity of the correctformula being doubtless incredible to them. 

The blare of a motor horn aroused me from this musing, and from thatmoment I had little time for meditation until the evening, as the_Journal_ recorded the next morning, "had gone down into history. "My patrons arrived in groups, couples, or singly, almost faster thanI could seat them. The Hobbs lad, as vestiare, would halt them forhats and wraps, during which pause they would emit subdued cries ofsurprise and delight at my beautifully toned ensemble, after which, as they walked to their tables, it was not difficult to see that theywere properly impressed. 

Mrs. Effie, escorted by the Honourable George and cousin Egbert, wasamong the early arrivals; the Senator being absent from town at asitting of the House. These were quickly followed by theBelknap-Jacksons and the Mixer, resplendent in purple satin anddiamonds, all being at one of my large tables, so that the HonourableGeorge sat between Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie, though he atfirst made a somewhat undignified essay to seat himself next theMixer. Needless to say, all were in evening dress, though theHonourable George had fumbled grossly with his cravat and rumpled hisshirt, nor had he submitted to having his beard trimmed, as I hadwarned him to do. As for Belknap-Jackson, I had never beheld him moretruly vogue in every detail, and his slightly austere manner in anyRed Gap gathering had never set him better. Both Mrs. Belknap-Jacksonand Mrs. Effie wielded their lorgnons upon the later comers, thusgiving their table quite an air. 

Mrs. Judge Ballard, who had come to be one of my staunchest adherents, occupied an adjacent table with her family party and two or three ofthe younger dancing set. The Indian Tuttle with his wife and twodaughters were also among the early comers, and I could not but marvelanew at the red man's histrionic powers. In almost quite correctevening attire, and entirely decorous in speech and gesture, he mightreadily have been thought some one that mattered, had he not at anearly opportunity caught my eye and winked with a sly significance. 

Quite almost every one of the North Side set was present, imparting tomy room a general air of distinguished smartness, and in additionthere were not a few of what Belknap-Jackson had called the "rabble, "persons of no social value, to be sure, but honest, well-manneredfolk, small tradesmen, shop-assistants, and the like. These plainpeople, I may say, I took especial pains to welcome and put at theirease, for I had resolved, in effect, to be one of them, after themanner prescribed by their Declaration thing. 

With quite all of them I chatted easily a moment or two, expressingthe hope that they would be well pleased with their entertainment. Inoted while thus engaged that Belknap-Jackson eyed me with frank andsuperior cynicism, but this affected me quite not at all and I tookpains to point my indifference, chatting with increased urbanity withthe two cow-persons, Hank and Buck, who had entered ratheruncertainly, not in evening dress, to be sure, but in decent black asbefitted their stations. When I had prevailed upon them to surrendertheir hats to the vestiare and had seated them at a table for two, they informed me in hoarse undertones that they were prepared to "puta bet down on every card from soda to hock, " so that I at firstsuspected they had thought me conducting a gaming establishment, butultimately gathered that they were merely expressing a cordialdetermination to enter into the spirit of the occasion. 

There then entered, somewhat to my uneasiness, the Klondike woman andher party. Being almost the last, it will be understood that theycreated no little sensation as she led them down the thronged room toher table. She was wearing an evening gown of lustrous black with theapparently simple lines that are so baffling to any but the expertmaker, with a black picture hat that suited her no end. I saw morethan one matron of the North Side set stiffen in her seat, while Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie turned upon her the chilling broadsideof their lorgnons. Belknap-Jackson merely drew himself up austerely. The three other women of her party, flutterers rather, did little butset off their hostess. The four men were of a youngish sort, chaps inbanks, chemists' assistants, that sort of thing, who were constantlyto be seen in her train. They were especially reprobated by thematrons of the correct set by reason of their deliberately choosing toally themselves with the Bohemian set. 

Acutely feeling the antagonism aroused by this group, I wasmomentarily discouraged in a design I had half formed of using myundoubted influence to unite the warring social factions of Red Gap, even as Bismarck had once brought the warring Prussian states togetherin a federated Germany. I began to see that the Klondike woman wouldforever prove unacceptable to the North Side set. The cliques wouldunite against her, even if one should find in her a spirit ofreconciliation, which I supremely doubted. 

The bustle having in a measure subsided, I gave orders for the soup tobe served, at the same time turning the current into the electricpianoforte. I had wished for this opening number something attractiveyet dignified, which would in a manner of speaking symbolize anoccasion to me at least highly momentous. To this end I had chosenHandel's celebrated Largo, and at the first strains of this highlymeritorious composition I knew that I had chosen surely. I am sure thepiece was indelibly engraved upon the minds of those manydinner-givers who were for the first time in their lives realizingthat a thin soup may be made a thing to take seriously. 

Nominally, I occupied a seat at the table with the Belknap-Jacksonsand Mrs. Effie, though I apprehended having to be more or less up anddown in the direction of my staff. Having now seated myself to soup, Iwas for the first time made aware of the curious behaviour of theHonourable George. Disregarding his own soup, which was of itselfunusual with him, he was staring straight ahead with a curiousintensity. A half turn of my head was enough. He sat facing theKlondike woman. As I again turned a bit I saw that under cover of heranimated converse with her table companions she was at intervalsallowing her very effective eyes to rest, as if absently, upon him. Imay say now that a curious chill seized me, bringing with it a suddenpsychic warning that all was not going to be as it should be. Somecalamity impended. The man was quite apparently fascinated, staringwith a fixed, hypnotic intensity that had already been noted by hiscompanions on either side. 

With a word about the soup, shot quickly and directly at him, Imanaged to divert his gaze, but his eyes had returned even before thespoon had gone once to his lips. The second time there was a soupstain upon his already rumpled shirt front. Presently it became onlytoo horribly certain that the man was out of himself, for when thefish course was served he remained serenely unconscious that none ofthe lobster sauce accompanied his own portion. It was a rich sauce, and the almost immediate effect of shell-fish upon his complexionbeing only too well known to me, I had directed that his fish shouldbe served without it, though I had fully expected him to row me for itand perhaps create a scene. The circumstance of his blindly attackingthe unsauced fish was eloquent indeed. 

The Belknap-Jacksons and Mrs. Effie were now plainly alarmed, andsomewhat feverishly sought to engage his attention, with the resultonly that he snapped monosyllables at them without removing his gazefrom its mark. And the woman was now too obviously pluming herselfupon the effect she had achieved; upon us all she flashed an amusedconsciousness of her power, yet with a fine affectation of quiteignoring us. I was here obliged to leave the table to oversee theserving of the wine, returning after an interval to find the situationunchanged, save that the woman no longer glanced at the HonourableGeorge. Such were her tactics. Having enmeshed him, she confidentlyleft him to complete his own undoing. I had returned with the servingof the small birds. Observing his own before him, the HonourableGeorge wished to be told why he had not been served with fish, andonly with difficulty could be convinced that he had partaken of this. "Of course in public places one must expect to come into contact withpersons of that sort, " remarked Mrs. Effie. 

"Something should be done about it, " observed Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, and they both murmured "Creature!" though it was plain that theHonourable George had little notion to whom they referred. Observing, however, that the woman no longer glanced at him, he fell to his birdsomewhat whole-heartedly, as indeed did all my guests. 

From every side I could hear eager approval of the repast which wasnow being supplemented at most of the tables by a sound wine of theBurgundy type which I had recommended or by a dry champagne. Meantime, the electric pianoforte played steadily through a repertoire that hadprogressed from the Largo to more vivacious pieces of the Americanfolkdance school. As was said in the press the following day, "Gayetyand good-feeling reigned supreme, and one and all felt that it wasindeed good to be there. "

Through the sweet and the savoury the dinner progressed, the latterproving to be a novelty that the hostesses of Red Gap thereafterslavishly copied, and with the advent of the coffee ensued anoticeable relaxation. People began to visit one another's tables andthere was a blithe undercurrent of praise for my efforts to smartenthe town's public dining. 

The Klondike woman, I fancy, was the first to light a cigarette, though quickly followed by the ladies of her party. Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie, after a period of futile glaring ather through the lorgnons, seemed to make their resolvessimultaneously, and forthwith themselves lighted cigarettes. 

"Of course it's done in the smart English restaurants, " murmuredBelknap-Jackson as he assisted the ladies to their lights. ThereuponMrs. Judge Ballard, farther down the room, began to smoke what Ibelieve was her first cigarette, which proved to be a signal for otherladies of the Onwards and Upwards Society to do the same, Mrs. Ballardbeing their president. It occurred to me that these ladies were grimlybent on showing the Klondike woman that they could trifle quite asgracefully as she with the lesser vices of Bohemia; or perhaps theywished to demonstrate to the younger dancing men in her train that theNorth Side set was not desolately austere in its recreation. TheHonourable George, I regret to say, produced a smelly pipe which hewould have lighted; but at a shocked and cold glance from me he put itby and allowed the Mixer to roll him one of the yellow papercigarettes from a sack of tobacco which she had produced from somesecret recess of her costume. 

Cousin Egbert had been excitedly happy throughout the meal and nowpaid me a quaint compliment upon the food. "Some eats, Bill!" hecalled to me. "I got to hand it to you, " though what precisely it washe wished to hand me I never ascertained, for the Mixer at that momentclaimed my attention with a compliment of her own. "That, " said she, "is the only dinner I've eaten for a long time that was composedentirely of food. "

This hour succeeding the repast I found quite entirely agreeable, morethan one person that mattered assuring me that I had assisted Red Gapto a notable advance in the finest and correctest sense of the word, and it was with a very definite regret that I beheld my guestsdeparting. Returning to our table from a group of these who had calledme to make their adieus, I saw that a most regrettable incident hadoccurred--nothing less than the formal presentation of the HonourableGeorge to the Klondike woman. And the Mixer had appallingly done it!

"Everything is so strange here, " I heard him saying as I passed theirtable, and the woman echoed, "Everything!" while her glance envelopedhim with a curious effect of appraisal. The others of her party weremaking much of him, I could see, quite as if they had preposterousdesigns of wresting him from the North Side set to be one ofthemselves. Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie affected to ignore themeeting. Belknap-Jackson stared into vacancy with a quite shockedexpression as if vandals had desecrated an altar in his presence. Cousin Egbert having drawn off one of his newly purchased boots duringthe dinner was now replacing it with audible groans, but I caught hisjoyous comment a moment later: "Didn't I tell you the Judge was somemixer?"

"Mixing, indeed, " snapped the ladies. 

A half-hour later the historic evening had come to an end. The lastguest had departed, and all of my staff, save Mrs. Judson and her malechild. These I begged to escort to their home, since the way wasrather far and dark. The child, incautiously left in the kitchen atthe mercy of the female black, had with criminal stupidity beenstuffed with food, traces of almost every course of the dinner beingapparent upon its puffy countenance. Being now in a stupor fromoverfeeding, I was obliged to lug the thing over my shoulder. Iresolved to warn the mother at an early opportunity of the perils ofan unrestricted diet, although the deluded creature seemed actually toglory in its corpulence. I discovered when halfway to her residencethat the thing was still tightly clutching the gnawed thigh-bone of afowl which was spotting the shoulder of my smartest top-coat. Themother, however, was so ingenuously delighted with my success and sofull of prattle concerning my future triumphs that I forbore toinstruct her at this time. I may say that of all my staff she hadbetrayed the most intelligent understanding of my ideals, and I badeher good-night with a strong conviction that she would greatly assistme in the future. She also promised that Mr. Barker should thereafterbe locked in a cellar at such times as she was serving me. 

Returning through the town, I heard strains of music from theestablishment known as "Bert's Place, " and was shocked on staringthrough his show window to observe the Honourable George and CousinEgbert waltzing madly with the cow-persons, Hank and Buck, to thestrains of a mechanical piano. The Honourable George had exchanged histop-hat for his partner's cow-person hat, which came down over hisears in a most regrettable manner. 

I thought it best not to intrude upon their coarse amusement and wenton to the grill to see that all was safe for the night. Returning frommy inspection some half-hour later, I came upon the two, Cousin Egbertin the lead, the Honourable George behind him. They greeted mesomewhat boisterously, but I saw that they were now content to returnhome and to bed. As they walked somewhat mincingly, I noticed thatthey were in their hose, carrying their varnished boots in eitherhand. 

Of the Honourable George, who still wore the cow-person's hat, I begannow to have the gravest doubts. There had been an evil light in theeyes of the Klondike woman and her Bohemian cohorts as they surveyedhim. As he preceded me I heard him murmur ecstatically: "Sush islife. "

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Launched now upon a business venture that would require my unremittingattention if it were to prosper, it may be imagined that I had littleleisure for the social vagaries of the Honourable George, shocking asthese might be to one's finer tastes. And yet on the following morningI found time to tell him what. To put it quite bluntly, I gave himbeans for his loose behaviour the previous evening, in publicly oglingand meeting as an equal one whom one didn't know. 

To my amazement, instead of being heartily ashamed of hislicentiousness, I found him recalcitrant. Stubborn as a mule he wasand with a low animal cunning that I had never given him credit for. "Demosthenes was the son of a cutler, " said he, "and Napoleon workedon a canal-boat, what? Didn't you say so yourself, you juggins, what?Fancy there being upper and lower classes among natives! What rot! AndI like North America. I don't mind telling you straight I'm going totake it up. "

Horrified by these reckless words, I could only say "Noblesse oblige, "meaning to convey that whatever the North Americans did, the next Earlof Brinstead must not meet persons one doesn't know, whereat herejoined tartly that I was "to stow that piffle!"

Being now quite alarmed, I took the further time to call uponBelknap-Jackson, believing that he, if any one, could recall theHonourable George to his better nature. He, too, was shocked, as I hadbeen, and at first would have put the blame entirely upon theshoulders of Cousin Egbert, but at this I was obliged to admit thatthe Honourable George had too often shown a regrettable fondness forthe society of persons that did not matter, especially females, and Icited the case of the typing-girl and the Brixton millinery person, with either of whom he would have allied himself in marriage had nothis lordship intervened. Belknap-Jackson was quite properly horrifiedat these revelations. 

"Has he no sense of 'Noblesse oblige'?" he demanded, at which I quotedthe result of my own use of this phrase to the unfortunate man. Quitetoo plain it was that "Noblesse oblige!" would never stop him fromyielding to his baser impulses. 

"We must be tactful, then, " remarked Belknap-Jackson. "Withoutappearing to oppose him we must yet show him who is really who in RedGap. We shall let him see that we have standards which must be asrigidly adhered to as those of an older civilization. I fancy it canbe done. "

Privately I fancied not, yet I forbore to say this or to prolong thepainful interview, particularly as I was due at the United StatesGrill. 

The _Recorder_ of that morning had done me handsomely, declaringmy opening to have been a social event long to be remembered, anddescribing the costumes of a dozen or more of the smartly gownedmatrons, quite as if it had been an assembly ball. My task now was tosee that the Grill was kept to the high level of its opening, both asa social ganglion, if one may use the term, and as a place to whichthe public would ever turn for food that mattered. For my firstluncheon the raccoons had prepared, under my direction, asteak-and-kidney pie, in addition to which I offered a thick soup anda pudding of high nutritive value. 

To my pleased astonishment the crowd at midday was quite all that mystaff could serve, several of the Hobbs brood being at school, and theluncheon was received with every sign of approval by the businesspersons who sat to it. Not only were there drapers, chemists, andshop-assistants, but solicitors and barristers, bankers and estateagents, and all quite eager with their praise of my fare. To each ofthese I explained that I should give them but few things, but thatthese would be food in the finest sense of the word, adding that thefault of the American school lay in attempting a too-great profusionof dishes, none of which in consequence could be raised to its highestpower. 

So sound was my theory and so nicely did my simple-dished luncheondemonstrate it that I was engaged on the spot to provide thebi-monthly banquet of the Chamber of Commerce, the president of whichrather seriously proposed that it now be made a monthly affair, sincethey would no longer be at the mercy of a hotel caterer whose ambitionran inversely to his skill. Indeed, after the pudding, I was this dayasked to become a member of the body, and I now felt that I wasindubitably one of them--America and I had taken each other asseriously as could be desired. 

More than once during the afternoon I wondered rather painfully whatthe Honourable George might be doing. I knew that he had been promisedto a meeting of the Onwards and Upwards Club through the influence ofMrs. Effie, where it had been hoped that he would give a talk onCountry Life in England. At least she had hinted to them that he mightdo this, though I had known from the beginning that he would donothing of the sort, and had merely hoped that he would appear for adish of tea and stay quiet, which was as much as the North Side setcould expect of him. Induced to speak, I was quite certain he wouldtell them straight that Country Life in England was silly rot, andthat was all to it. Now, not having seen him during the day, I couldbut hope that he had attended the gathering in suitable afternoonattire, and that he would have divined that the cattle-person's hatdid not coordinate with this. 

At four-thirty, while I was still concerned over the possiblemisadventures of the Honourable George, my first patrons for tea beganto arrive, for I had let it be known that I should specialize in this. Toasted crumpets there were, and muffins, and a tea cake rich withplums, and tea, I need not say, which was all that tea could be. Several tables were filled with prominent ladies of the North Sideset, who were loud in their exclamations of delight, especially at thefinished smartness of my service, for it was perhaps now that theprofoundly serious thought I had given to my silver, linen, andglassware showed to best advantage. I suspect that this was the firsttime many of my guests had encountered a tea cozy, since from that daythey began to be prevalent in Red Gap homes. Also my wagon containingthe crumpets, muffins, tea cake, jam and bread-and-butter, which I nowused for the first time created a veritable sensation. 

There was an agreeable hum of chatter from these early comers when Ifound myself welcoming Mrs. Judge Ballard and half a dozen members ofthe Onwards and Upwards Club, all of them wearing what I made out tobe a baffled look. From these I presently managed to gather that theirguest of honour for the afternoon had simply not appeared, and thatthe meeting, after awaiting him for two hours, had dissolved in someresentment, the time having been spent chiefly in an unflatteringdissection of the Klondike woman's behaviour the evening before. 

"He is a naughty man to disappoint us so cruelly!" declared Mrs. JudgeBallard of the Honourable George, but the coquetry of it was feignedto cover a very real irritation. I made haste with possible excuses. Isaid that he might be ill, or that important letters in that day'spost might have detained him. I knew he had been astonishingly wellthat morning, also that he loathed letters and almost practicallynever received any; but something had to be said. 

"A naughty, naughty fellow!" repeated Mrs. Ballard, and the members ofher party echoed it. They had looked forward rather pathetically, Isaw, to hearing about Country Life in England from one who had livedit. 

I was now drawn to greet the Belknap-Jacksons, who entered, and to thepleasure of winning their hearty approval for the perfection of myarrangements. As the wife presently joined Mrs. Ballard's group, thehusband called me to his table and disclosed that almost the worstmight be feared of the Honourable George. He was at that moment, itappeared, with a rabble of cow-persons and members of the lower classgathered at a stockade at the edge of town, where various nativehorses fresh from the wilderness were being taught to be ridden. 

"The wretched Floud is with him, " continued my informant, "also theTuttle chap, who continues to be received by our best people in spiteof my remonstrances, and he yells quite like a demon when one of theriders is thrown. I passed as quickly as I could. The spectaclewas--of course I make allowances for Vane-Basingwell's ignorance ofour standards--it was nothing short of disgusting; a man of hisposition consorting with the herd!"

"He told me no longer ago than this morning, " I said, "that he wasgoing to take up America. "

"He _has_!" said Belknap-Jackson with bitter emphasis. "Youshould see what he has on--a cowboy hat and chapps! And the verylowest of them are calling him 'Judge'!"

"He flunked a meeting of the Onwards and Upwards Society, " I added. 

"I know! I know! And who could have expected it in one of his lineage?At this very moment he should be conducting himself as one of hisclass. Can you wonder at my impatience with the West? Here at an hourwhen our social life should be in evidence, when all trade should beforgotten, I am the only man in the town who shows himself in atea-room; and Vane-Basingwell over there debasing himself with ourcommonest sort!"

All at once I saw that I myself must bear the brunt of this scandal. Ihad brought hither the Honourable George, promising a personage whowould for once and all unify the North Side set and perhapsdisintegrate its rival. I had been felicitated upon my master-stroke. And now it seemed I had come a cropper. But I resolved not to give up, and said as much now to Belknap-Jackson. 

"I may be blamed for bringing him among you, but trust me if thingsare really as bad as they seem. I'll get him off again. I'll not letmyself be bowled by such a silly lob as that. Trust me to devoteprofound thought to this problem. "

"We all have every confidence in you, " he assured me, "but don't betoo severe all at once with the chap. He might recover a sane balanceeven yet. "

"I shall use discretion, " I assured him, "but if it proves that I havefluffed my catch, rely upon me to use extreme measures. "

"Red Gap needs your best effort, " he replied in a voice that brimmedwith feeling. 

At five-thirty, my rush being over, I repaired to the neighbourhoodwhere the Honourable George had been reported. The stockade nowcontained only a half-score of the untaught horses, but across theroad from it was a public house, or saloon, from which cameunmistakable sounds of carousing. It was an unsavoury place, frequented only by cattle and horse persons, the proprietor being anabandoned character named Spilmer, who had once done a patron to deathin a drunken quarrel. Only slight legal difficulties had been made forhim, however, it having been pleaded that he acted in self-defence, and the creature had at once resumed his trade as publican. There waseven public sympathy for him at the time on the ground that hepossessed a blind mother, though I have never been able to see thatthis should have been a factor in adjudging him. 

I paused now before the low place, imagining I could detect the tonesof the Honourable George high above the chorus that came out to me. Deciding that in any event it would not become me to enter a resort ofthis stamp, I walked slowly back toward the more reputable part oftown, and was presently rewarded by seeing the crowd emerge. It wasled, I saw, by the Honourable George. The cattle-hat was still downupon his ears, and to my horror he had come upon the publicthoroughfare with his legs encased in the chapps--a species ofleathern pantalettes covered with goat's wool--a garment which I neednot say no gentleman should be seen abroad in. As worn by thecow-persons in their daily toil they are only just possible, being asfar from true vogue as anything well could be. 

Accompanying him were Cousin Egbert, the Indian Tuttle, thecow-persons, Hank and Buck, and three or four others of the same roughstamp. Unobtrusively I followed them to our main thoroughfare, deeplyhumiliated by the atrocious spectacle the Honourable George was makingof himself, only to observe them turn into another public houseentitled "The Family Liquor Store, " where if seemed only too certain, since the bearing of all was highly animated, that they would againcarouse. 

At once seeing my duty, I boldly entered, finding them aligned againstthe American bar and clamouring for drink. My welcome was heartfelt, even enthusiastic, almost every one of them beginning to regale mewith incidents of the afternoon's horse-breaking. The HonourableGeorge, it seemed, had himself briefly mounted one of the animals, having fallen into the belief that the cow-persons did not tryearnestly enough to stay on their mounts. I gathered that oneexperience had dissuaded him from this opinion. 

"That there little paint horse, " observed Cousin Egbert genially, "stepped out from under the Judge the prettiest you ever saw. "

"He sure did, " remarked the Honourable George, with a palpable effortto speak the American brogue. "A most flighty beast he was--nerves allgone--I dare say a hopeless neurasthenic. "

And then when I would have rebuked him for so shamefully disappointingthe ladies of the Onwards and Upwards Society, he began to tell me ofthe public house he had just left. 

"I say, you know that Spilmer chap, he's a genuine murderer--he let mehold the weapon with which he did it--and he has blind relativesdependent upon him, or something of that sort, otherwise I fancythey'd have sent him to the gallows. And, by Gad! he's a wittyscoundrel, what! Looking at his sign--leaving the settlement it reads, 'Last Chance, ' but entering the settlement it reads, 'First Chance. 'Last chance and first chance for a peg, do you see what I mean? Itried it out; walked both ways under the sign and looked up; it workedperfectly. Enter the settlement, 'First Chance'; leave the settlement, 'Last Chance. ' Do you see what I mean? Suggestive, what! Witty! You'dnever have expected that murderer-Johnny to be so subtle. Our ownmurderers aren't that way. I say, it's a tremendous wheeze. I wonderthe press-chaps don't take it up. It's better than the blind factory, though the chap's mother or something is blind. What ho! But that'ssilly! To be sure one has nothing to do with the other. I say, haveanother, you chaps! I've not felt so fit in ages. I'm going to take upAmerica!"

Plainly it was no occasion to use serious words to the man. He slappedhis companions smartly on their backs and was slapped in turn by allof them. One or two of them called him an old horse! Not only was Idoing no good for the North Side set, but I had felt obliged toconsume two glasses of spirits that I did not wish. So I discreetlywithdrew. As I went, the Honourable George was again telling them thathe was "going in" for North America, and Cousin Egbert was calling"Three rousing cheers!"

Thus luridly began, I may say, a scandal that was to be far-reachingin its dreadful effects. Far from feeling a proper shame on thefollowing day, the Honourable George was as pleased as Punch withhimself, declaring his intention of again consorting with the cattleand horse persons and very definitely declining an invitation to playat golf with Belknap-Jackson. 

"Golf!" he spluttered. "You do it, and then you've directly to do itall over again. I mean to say, one gets nowhere. A silly game--what!"

Wishing to be in no manner held responsible for his vicious pursuits, I that day removed my diggings from the Floud home to chambers in thePettengill block above the Grill, where I did myself quite nicely withdecent mantel ornaments, some vivacious prints of old-worldcathedrals, and a few good books, having for body-servant one of theHobbs lads who seemed rather teachable. I must admit, however, that Iwas frequently obliged to address him more sharply than one shouldever address one's servant, my theory having always been that aserving person should be treated quite as if he were a gentlemantemporarily performing menial duties, but there was that strain oflowness in all the Hobbses which often forbade this, a blending ofservility with more or less skilfully dissembled impertinence, which Idare say is the distinguishing mark of our lower-class serving people. 

Removed now from the immediate and more intimate effects of theHonourable George's digressions, I was privileged for days at a timeto devote my attention exclusively to my enterprise. It had thrivenfrom the beginning, and after a month I had so perfected the minordetails of management that everything was right as rain. In mycatering I continued to steer a middle course between the Britishschool of plain roast and boiled and a too often piffling Frenchcomplexity, seeking to retain the desirable features of each. Myluncheons for the tradesmen rather held to a cut from the joint withvegetables and a suitable sweet, while in my dinners I relaxed a bitinto somewhat imaginative salads and entrées. For the tea-hour Iconstantly strove to provide some appetizing novelty, often, Iconfess, sacrificing nutrition to mere sightliness in view of myalmost exclusive feminine patronage, yet never carrying this to anundignified extreme. 

As a result of my sound judgment, dinner-giving in Red Gap began thatwinter to be done almost entirely in my place. There might be smallinformal affairs at home, but for dinners of any pretension thehostesses of the North Side set came to me, relying almost quiteentirely upon my taste in the selection of the menu. Although at firstI was required to employ unlimited tact in dissuading them fromstrange and laboured concoctions, whose photographs they fetched mefrom their women's magazines, I at length converted them from thisunwholesome striving for novelty and laid the foundations for thatsound scheme of gastronomy which to-day distinguishes thisfastest-growing town in the state, if not in the West of America. 

It was during these early months, I ought perhaps to say, that Irather distinguished myself in the matter of a relish which Icompounded one day when there was a cold round of beef for luncheon. Little dreaming of the magnitude of the moment, I brought togetherEnglish mustard and the American tomato catsup, in proportions whichfor reasons that will be made obvious I do not here disclose, togetherwith three other and lesser condiments whose identity also must remaina secret. Serving this with my cold joint, I was rather amazed at thesensation it created. My patrons clamoured for it repeatedly and abarrister wished me to prepare a flask of it for use in his home. Thefollowing day it was again demanded and other requests were made forprivate supplies, while by the end of the week my relish had becomerather famous. Followed a suggestion from Mrs. Judson as sheoverlooked my preparation of it one day from her own task of polishingthe glassware. 

"Put it on the market, " said she, and at once I felt the inspirationof her idea. To her I entrusted the formula. I procured a quantity ofsuitable flasks, while in her own home she compounded the stuff andfilled them. Having no mind to claim credit not my own, I may now saythat this rather remarkable woman also evolved the idea of the label, including the name, which was pasted upon the bottles when our productwas launched. 

"Ruggles' International Relish" she had named it after a moment'sthought. Below was a print of my face taken from an excellentphotographic portrait, followed by a brief summary of the article'sunsurpassed excellence, together with a list of the viands for whichit was commended. As the International Relish is now a matter ofhistory, the demand for it having spread as far east as Chicago andthose places, I may add that it was this capable woman again whodevised the large placard for hoardings in which a middle-aged butglowing bon-vivant in evening dress rebukes the blackamoor who hasserved his dinner for not having at once placed Ruggles' InternationalRelish upon the table. The genial annoyance of the diner and theapologetic concern of the black are excellently depicted by theartist, for the original drawing of which I paid a stiffish price tothe leading artist fellow of Spokane. This now adorns the wall of mysitting-room. 

It must not be supposed that I had been free during these months fromannoyance and chagrin at the manner in which the Honourable George wasconducting himself. In the beginning it was hoped both byBelknap-Jackson and myself that he might do no worse than merelyconsort with the rougher element of the town. I mean to say, wesuspected that the apparent charm of the raffish cattle-persons mightsuffice to keep him from any notorious alliance with the dreadedBohemian set. So long as he abstained from this he might still bereceived at our best homes, despite his regrettable fondness for lowcompany. Even when he brought the murderer Spilmer to dine with him atmy place, the thing was condoned as a freakish grotesquerie in onewho, of unassailable social position, might well afford to stoopmomentarily. 

I must say that the murderer--a heavy-jowled brute of husky voice, andquite lacking a forehead--conducted himself on this occasion with anentirely decent restraint of manner, quite in contrast to theHonourable George, who betrayed an expansively naïve pride in hisguest, seeming to wish the world to know of the event. Between themthey consumed a fair bottle of the relish. Indeed, the HonourableGeorge was inordinately fond of this, as a result of which he wouldoften come out quite spotty again. Cousin Egbert was another whobecame so addicted to it that his fondness might well have been calleda vice. Both he and the Honourable George would drench quite everycourse with the sauce, and Cousin Egbert, with that explicitdirectness which distinguished his character, would frankly sop hisbread-crusts in it, or even sip it with a coffee-spoon. 

As I have intimated, in spite of the Honourable George's affiliationswith the slum-characters of what I may call Red Gap's East End, he hadnot yet publicly identified himself with the Klondike woman and herBohemian set, in consequence of which--let him dine and wine a Spilmeras he would--there was yet hope that he would not alienate himselffrom the North Side set. 

At intervals during the early months of his sojourn among us heaccepted dinner invitations at the Grill from our social leaders; infact, after the launching of the International Relish, I know of nonethat he declined, but it was evident to me that he moved buthalf-heartedly in this higher circle. On one occasion, too, heappeared in the trousers of a lounge-suit of tweeds instead of hisdress trousers, and with tan boots. The trousers, to be sure, were ofa sombre hue, but the brown boots were quite too dreadfullyunmistakable. After this I may say that I looked for anything, and myworst fears were soon confirmed. 

It began as the vaguest sort of gossip. The Honourable George, it wassaid, had been a guest at one of the Klondike woman's evening affairs. The rumour crystallized. He had been asked to meet the Bohemian set ata Dutch supper and had gone. He had lingered until a late hour, dancing the American folkdances (for which he had shown a surprisingadaptability) and conducting himself generally as the next Earl ofBrinstead should not have done. He had repeated his visit, repairingto the woman's house both afternoon and evening. He had become aconstant visitor. He had spoken regrettably of the dulness of ameeting of the Onwards and Upwards Society which he had attended. Hewas in the woman's toils. 

With gossip of this sort there was naturally much indignation, and yetthe leaders of the North Side set were so delicately placed that therewas every reason for concealing it. They redoubled their attentions tothe unfortunate man, seeking to leave him not an unoccupied evening orafternoon. Such was the gravity of the crisis. Belknap-Jackson aloneremained finely judicial. 

"The situation is of the gravest character, " he confided to me, "butwe must be wary. The day isn't lost so long as he doesn't appearpublicly in the creature's train. For the present we have onlyunverified rumour. As a man about town Vane-Basingwell may feel freeto consort with vicious companions and still maintain his properstanding. Deplore it as all right-thinking people must, under presentsocial conditions he is undoubtedly free to lead what is called adouble life. We can only wait. "

Such was the state of the public mind, be it understood, up to thetime of the notorious and scandalous defection of this obsessedcreature, an occasion which I cannot recall without shuddering, andwhich inspired me to a course that was later to have the mostinexplicable and far-reaching consequences. 

Theatrical plays had been numerous with us during the season, with thenatural result of many after-theatre suppers being given by those whoattended, among them the North Side leaders, and frequently theKlondike woman with her following. On several of these occasions, moreover, the latter brought as supper guests certain representativesof the theatrical profession, both male and female, she apparentlyhaving a wide acquaintance with such persons. That this sort of thingincreased her unpopularity with the North Side set will be understoodwhen I add that now and then her guests would be of undoubtedrespectability in their private lives, as theatrical persons oftenare, and such as our smartest hostesses would have been only too gladto entertain. 

To counteract this effect Belknap-Jackson now broached to me a plan ofundoubted merit, which was nothing less than to hold an afternoonreception at his home in honour of the world's greatest pianoforteartist, who was presently to give a recital in Red Gap. 

"I've not met the chap myself, " he began, "but I knew his secretaryand travelling companion quite well in a happier day in Boston. Therecital here will be Saturday evening, which means that they willremain here on Sunday until the evening train East. I shall suggest tomy friend that his employer, to while away the tedium of the Sunday, might care to look in upon me in the afternoon and meet a few of ourbest people. Nothing boring, of course. I've no doubt he will arrangeit. I've written him to Portland, where they now are. "

"Rather a card that will be, " I instantly cried. "Rather better classthan entertaining strolling players. " Indeed the merit of the proposalrather overwhelmed me. It would be dignified and yet spectacular. Itwould show the Klondike woman that we chose to have contact only withartists of acknowledged preëminence and that such were quite willingto accept our courtesies. I had hopes, too, that the Honourable Georgemight be aroused to advantages which he seemed bent upon casting tothe American winds. 

A week later Belknap-Jackson joyously informed me that the greatartist had consented to accept his hospitality. There would be lightrefreshments, with which I was charged. I suggested tea in the Russianmanner, which he applauded. 

"And everything dainty in the way of food, " he warned me. "Nothingcommon, nothing heavy. Some of those tiny lettuce sandwiches, a bit ofcaviare, macaroons--nothing gross--a decanter of dry sherry, perhaps, a few of the lightest wafers; things that cultivated persons maytrifle with--things not repugnant to the artist soul. "

I promised my profoundest consideration to these matters. 

"And it occurs to me, " he thoughtfully added, "that this may be a timefor Vane-Basingwell to silence the slurs upon himself that arebecoming so common. I shall beg him to meet our guest at his hotel andescort him to my place. A note to my friend, 'the bearer, theHonourable George Augustus Vane-Basingwell, brother of his lordshipthe Earl of Brinstead, will take great pleasure in escorting to myhome----' You get the idea? Not bad!"

Again I applauded, resolving that for once the Honourable George wouldbe suitably attired even if I had to bully him. And so was launchedwhat promised to be Red Gap's most notable social event of the season. The Honourable George, being consulted, promised after a rather sulkyhesitation to act as the great artist's escort, though he persisted inreferring to him as "that piano Johnny, " and betrayed a suspicion thatBelknap-Jackson was merely bent upon getting him to perform withoutprice. 

"But no, " cried Belknap-Jackson, "I should never think of anything soindelicate as asking him to play. My own piano will be tightly closedand I dare say removed to another room. "

At this the Honourable George professed to wonder why the chap wasdesired if he wasn't to perform. "All hair and bad English--sillybrutes when they don't play, " he declared. In the end, however, as Ihave said, he consented to act as he was wished to. Cousin Egbert, whowas present at this interview, took somewhat the same view as theHonourable George, even asserting that he should not attend therecital. 

"He don't sing, he don't dance, he don't recite; just plays the piano. That ain't any kind of a show for folks to set up a whole eveningfor, " he protested bitterly, and he went on to mention varioustheatrical pieces which he had considered worthy, among them I recallbeing one entitled "The Two Johns, " which he regretted not havingwitnessed for several years, and another called "Ben Hur, " which wasbetter than all the piano players alive, he declared. But with theHonourable George enlisted, both Belknap-Jackson and I considered theopinions of Cousin Egbert to be quite wholly negligible. 

Saturday's _Recorder_, in its advance notice of the recital, announced that the Belknap-Jacksons of Boston and Red Gap wouldentertain the artist on the following afternoon at their palatial homein the Pettengill addition, where a select few of the North Side sethad been invited to meet him. Belknap-Jackson himself was as a manuplifted. He constantly revised and re-revised his invitation list; hesought me out each day to suggest subtle changes in the very artisticmenu I had prepared for the affair. His last touch was to supplementthe decanter of sherry with a bottle of vodka. About the caviare heworried quite fearfully until it proved upon arrival to be fresh andof prime quality. My man, the Hobbs boy, had under my instructionspressed and smarted the Honourable George's suit for afternoon wear. The carriage was engaged. Saturday night it was tremendously certainthat no hitch could occur to mar the affair. We had left no detail tochance. 

The recital itself was quite all that could have been expected, butunderneath the enthusiastic applause there ran even a more intensefervour among those fortunate ones who were to meet the artist on themorrow. 

Belknap-Jackson knew himself to be a hero. He was elaborately cool. Hesmiled tolerantly at intervals and undoubtedly applauded with theleast hint of languid proprietorship in his manner. He was heard tospeak of the artist by his first name. The Klondike woman and many ofher Bohemian set were prominently among those present and sustainedglances of pitying triumph from those members of the North Side set sosoon to be distinguished above her. 

The morrow dawned auspiciously, very cloudy with smartish drives ofwind and rain. Confined to the dingy squalor of his hotel, how gladlywould the artist, it was felt, seek the refined cheer of one of ourbest homes where he would be enlivened by an hour or so of contactwith our most cultivated people. Belknap-Jackson telephoned me withincreasing frequency as the hour drew near, nervously seeming to dreadthat I would have overlooked some detail of his refined refreshments, or that I would not have them at his house on time. He telephonedoften to the Honourable George to be assured that the carriage withits escort would be prompt. He telephoned repeatedly to the driverchap, to impress upon him the importance of his mission. 

His guests began to arrive even before I had decked his sideboard withwhat was, I have no hesitation in declaring, the most superbly daintybuffet collation that Red Gap had ever beheld. The atmosphere at oncebecame tense with expectation. 

At three o'clock the host announced from the telephone:"Vane-Basingwell has started from the Floud house. " The gueststhrilled and hushed the careless chatter of new arrivals. Belknap-Jackson remained heroically at the telephone, having demandedto be put through to the hotel. He was flushed with excitement. Ascore of minutes later he announced with an effort to control hisvoice: "They have left the hotel--they are on the way. "

The guests stiffened in their seats. Some of them nervously and for noapparent reason exchanged chairs with others. Some late arrivalsbustled in and were immediately awed to the same electric silence ofwaiting. Belknap-Jackson placed the sherry decanter where the vodkabottle had been and the vodka bottle where the sherry decanter hadbeen. "The effect is better, " he remarked, and went to stand where hecould view the driveway. The moments passed. 

At such crises, which I need not say have been plentiful in my life, Ihave always known that I possessed an immense reserve of coolness. Seldom have I ever been so much as slightly flustered. Now I wascalmness itself, and the knowledge brought me no little satisfactionas I noted the rather painful distraction of our host. The momentspassed--long, heavy, silent moments. Our host ascended trippingly toan upper floor whence he could see farther down the drive. The guestsheld themselves in smiling readiness. Our host descended and againtook up his post at a lower window. 

The moments passed--stilled, leaden moments. The silence had becomeintolerable. Our host jiggled on his feet. Some of the quicker-mindedguests made a pretence of little conversational flurries: "That secondmovement--oh, exquisitely rendered!... No one has ever read Chopin sodivinely.... How his family must idolize him!... They say.... Thatexquisite concerto!... Hasn't he the most stunning hair.... Thosestaccato passages left me actually limp--I'm starting Myrtle inTuesday to take of Professor Gluckstein. She wants to takestenography, but I tell her.... Did you think the preludes were justthe tiniest bit idealized.... I always say if one has one's music, andone's books, of course--He must be very, _very_ fond of music!"

Such were the hushed, tentative fragments I caught. 

The moments passed. Belknap-Jackson went to the telephone. "What? Butthey're not here! Very strange! They should have been here half anhour ago. Send some one--yes, at once. " In the ensuing silence herepaired to the buffet and drank a glass of vodka. Quite distraught hewas. 

The moments passed. Again several guests exchanged seats with otherguests. It seemed to be a device for relieving the strain. Once morethere were scattering efforts at normal talk. "Myrtle is a strangegirl--a creature of moods, I call her. She wanted to act in the movingpictures until papa bought the car. And she knows every one of the newtango steps, but I tell her a few lessons in cooking wouldn't--BerylMae is just the same puzzling child; one thing one day, and anotherthing the next; a mere bundle of nerves, and so sensitive if you saythe least little thing to her ... If we could only get Ling Wongback--this Jap boy is always threatening to leave if the men don't getup to breakfast on time, or if Gertie makes fudge in his kitchen of anafternoon ... Our boy sends all his wages to his uncle in China, but Isimply can't get him to say, 'Dinner is served. ' He just slides in andsays, 'All right, you come!' It's very annoying, but I always tell thefamily, 'Remember what a time we had with the Swede----'"

I mean to say, things were becoming rapidly impossible. The momentspassed. Belknap-Jackson again telephoned: "You did send a man afterthem? Send some one after him, then. Yes, at once!" He poured himselfanother peg of the vodka. Silence fell again. The waiting was terrific. We had endured an hour of it, and but little more was possible to anysensitive human organism. All at once, as if the very last possiblemoment of silence had passed, the conversation broke loudly andgenerally: "And did you notice that slimpsy thing she wore lastnight? Indecent, if you ask me, with not a petticoat under it, I'llbe bound!... Always wears shoes twice too small for her ... What mencan see in her ... How they can endure that perpetual smirk!... " Theywere at last discussing the Klondike woman, and whatever had befallenour guest of honour I knew that those present would never regain theirfirst awe of the occasion. It was now unrestrained gabble. 

The second hour passed quickly enough, the latter half of it beingenlivened by the buffet collation which elicited many compliments uponmy ingenuity and good taste. Quite almost every guest partook of aglass of the vodka. They chattered of everything but music, I dare sayit being thought graceful to ignore the afternoon's disaster. 

Belknap-Jackson had sunk into a mood of sullen desperation. He drainedthe vodka bottle. Perhaps the liquor brought him something of thechill Russian fatalism. He was dignified but sodden, with a depressionthat seemed to blow from the bleak Siberian steppes. His wife wasalready receiving the adieus of their guests. She was smoulderingominously, uncertain where the blame lay, but certain there was blame. Criminal blame! I could read as much in her narrowed eyes as shetried for aplomb with her guests. 

My own leave I took unobtrusively. I knew our strangely missing guestwas to depart by the six-two train, and I strolled toward the station. A block away I halted, waiting. It had been a time of waiting. Themoments passed. I heard the whistle of the approaching train. At thesame moment I was startled by the approach of a team that I took to berunning away. 

I saw it was the carriage of the Pierce chap and that he was drivingwith the most abandoned recklessness. His passengers were theHonourable George, Cousin Egbert, and our missing guest. The greatartist as they passed me seemed to feel a vast delight in his wildride. He was cheering on the driver. He waved his arms and himselfshouted to the maddened horses. The carriage drew up to the stationwith the train, and the three descended. 

The artist hurriedly shook hands in the warmest manner with hiscompanions, including the Pierce chap, who had driven them. Hebeckoned to his secretary, who was waiting with his bags. He mountedthe steps of the coach, and as the train pulled out he wavedfrantically to the three. He kissed his hand to them, looking far outas the train gathered momentum. Again and again he kissed his hand tothe hat-waving trio. 

It was too much. The strain of the afternoon had told even upon my owniron nerves. I felt unequal at that moment to the simplest inquiry, and plainly the situation was not one to attack in haste. I mean tosay, it was too pregnant with meaning. I withdrew rapidly from thescene, feeling the need for rest and silence. 

As I walked I meditated profoundly. 

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

From the innocent lips of Cousin Egbert the following morning therefell a tale of such cold-blooded depravity that I found myself withdifficulty giving it credit. At ten o'clock, while I still musedpensively over the events of the previous day, he entered the Grill insearch of breakfast, as had lately become his habit. I greeted himwith perceptible restraint, not knowing what guilt might be his, buthis manner to me was so unconsciously genial that I at once acquittedhim of any complicity in whatever base doings had been forward. 

He took his accustomed seat with a pleasant word to me. I waited. 

"Feeling a mite off this morning, " he began, "account of a lot oftruck I eat yesterday. I guess I'll just take something kind ofdainty. Tell Clarice to cook me up a nice little steak with plenty offat on it, and some fried potatoes, and a cup of coffee and a fewwaffles to come. The Judge he wouldn't get up yet. He looked kind ofmottled and anguished, but I guess he'll pull around all right. I hadthe chink take him up about a gallon of strong tea. Say, listen here, the Judge ain't so awful much of a stayer, is he?"

Burning with curiosity I was to learn what he could tell me of the daybefore, yet I controlled myself to the calmest of leisurelyquestioning in order not to alarm him. It was too plain that he had norealization of what had occurred. It was always the way with him, Ihad noticed. Events the most momentous might culminate furiously abouthis head, but he never knew that anything had happened. 

"The Honourable George, " I began, "was with you yesterday? Perhaps heate something he shouldn't. "

"He did, he did; he done it repeatedly. He et pretty near as much ofthat sauerkraut and frankfurters as the piano guy himself did, andthat's some tribute, believe me, Bill! Some tribute!"

"The piano guy?" I murmured quite casually. 

"And say, listen here, that guy is all right if anybody should askyou. You talk about your mixers!"

This was a bit puzzling, for of course I had never "talked about mymixers. " I shouldn't a bit know how to go on. I ventured anotherquery. 

"Where was it this mixing and that sort of thing took place?"

"Why, up at Mis' Kenner's, where we was having a little party:frankfurters and sauerkraut and beer. My stars! but that steak looksgood. I'm feeling better already. " His food was before him, and heattacked it with no end of spirit. 

"Tell me quite all about it, " I amiably suggested, and after amoment's hurried devotion to the steak, he slowed up a bit to talk. 

"Well, listen here, now. The Judge says to me when Eddie Pierce comes, 'Sour-dough, ' he says, 'look in at Mis' Kenner's this afternoon if yougot nothing else on; I fancy it will repay you. ' Just like that. 'Well, ' I says, 'all right, Judge, I fancy I will. I fancy I ain't gotanything else on, ' I says. 'And I'm always glad to go there, ' I says, because no matter what they're always saying about this here Bohemianstuff, Kate Kenner is one good scout, take it from me. So in a littlewhile I slicked up some and went on around to her house. Then hitchedoutside I seen Eddie Pierce's hack, and I says, 'My lands! that's afunny thing, ' I says. 'I thought the Judge was going to haul this herepiano guy out to the Jackson place where he could while away thetejum, like Jackson said, and now it looks as if they was here. Ormebbe it's just Eddie himself that has fancied to look in, not havinganything else on. '

"Well, so anyway I go up on the stoop and knock, and when I get in theparlour there the piano guy is and the Judge and Eddie Pierce, too, Eddie helping the Jap around with frankfurters and sauerkraut and beerand one thing and another. 

"Besides them was about a dozen of Mis' Kenner's own particularfriends, all of 'em good scouts, let me tell you, and everybodylaughing and gassing back and forth and cutting up and having a goodtime all around. Well, so as soon as they seen me, everybody says, 'Oh, here comes Sour-dough--good old Sour-dough!' and all like that, and they introduced me to the piano guy, who gets up to shake handswith me and spills his beer off the chair arm on to the wife of EddieFosdick in the Farmers' and Merchants' National, and so I sat down andet with 'em and had a few steins of beer, and everybody had a goodtime all around. "

The wonderful man appeared to believe that he had told me quite all ofinterest concerning this monstrous festivity. He surveyed themutilated remnant of his steak and said: "I guess Clarice might aswell fry me a few eggs. I'm feeling a lot better. " I directed thatthis be done, musing upon the dreadful menu he had recited andrecalling the exquisite finish of the collation I myself had prepared. Sausages, to be sure, have their place, and beer as well, butsauerkraut I have never been able to regard as an at all possible foodfor persons that really matter. Germans, to be sure!

Discreetly I renewed my inquiry: "I dare say the Honourable George wasin good form?" I suggested. 

"Well, he et a lot. Him and the piano guy was bragging which could eatthe most sausages. "

I was unable to restrain a shudder at the thought of this revoltingcontest. 

"The piano guy beat him out, though. He'd been at the Palace Hotel forthree meals and I guess his appetite was right craving. "

"And afterward?"

"Well, it was like Jackson said: this lad wanted to while away thetejum of a Sunday afternoon, and so he whiled it, that's all. Purtysoon Mis' Kenner set down to the piano and sung some coon songs thattickled him most to death, and then she got to playing ragtime--say, believe me, Bill, when she starts in on that rag stuff she can make apiano simply stutter itself to death. 

[Illustration: MIS' KENNER SET DOWN TO THE PIANO AND SUNG SOME COONSONGS THAT TICKLED HIM MOST TO DEATH]

"Well, at that the piano guy says it's great stuff, and so he setsdown himself to try it, and he catches on pretty good, I'll say thatfor him, so we got to dancing while he plays for us, only he don'tremember the tunes good and has to fake a lot. Then he makes Mis'Kenner play again while he dances with Mis' Fosdick that he spilledthe beer on, and after that we had some more beer and this guy etanother plate of kraut and a few sausages, and Mis' Kenner sings 'TheRobert E. Lee' and a couple more good ones, and the guy played somemore ragtime himself, trying to get the tunes right, and then heplayed some fancy pieces that he'd practised up on, and we danced someand had a few more beers, with everybody laughing and cutting up andhaving a nice home afternoon. 

"Well, the piano guy enjoyed himself every minute, if anybody asksyou, being lit up like a main chandelier. They made him feel like hewas one of their own folks. You certainly got to hand it to him forbeing one little good mixer. Talk about whiling away the tejum! Hedone it, all right, all right. He whiled away so much tejum there hedarned near missed his train. Eddie Pierce kept telling him what timeit was, only he'd keep asking Mis' Kenner to play just one more rag, and at last we had to just shoot him into his fur overcoat while hewas kissing all the women on their hands, and we'd have missed thetrain at that if Eddie hadn't poured the leather into them skates ofhis all the way down to the dee-po. He just did make it, and he toldthe Judge and Eddie and me that he ain't had such a good time since heleft home. I kind of hated to see him go. "

He here attacked the eggs with what seemed to be a freshening of hisremarkable appetite. And as yet, be it noted, I had detected noconsciousness on his part that a foul betrayal of confidence had beencommitted. I approached the point. 

"The Belknap-Jacksons were rather expecting him, you know. Myimpression was that the Honourable George had been sent to escort himto the Belknap-Jackson house. "

"Well, that's what I thought, too, but I guess the Judge forgot it, ormebbe he thinks the guy will mix in better with Mis' Kenner's crowd. Anyway, there they was, and it probably didn't make any difference tothe guy himself. He likely thought he could while away the tejum thereas well as he could while it any place, all of them being such goodscouts. And the Judge has certainly got a case on Mis' Kenner, somebby she asked him to drop in with any friend of his. She's got himbridle-wise and broke to all gaits. " He visibly groped for anillumining phrase. "He--he just looks at her. "

The simple words fell upon my ears with a sickening finality. "He justlooks at her. " I had seen him "just look" at the typing-girl and atthe Brixton milliner. All too fearfully I divined their preposteroussignificance. Beyond question a black infamy had been laid bare, but Imade no effort to convey its magnitude to my guileless informant. As Ileft him he was mildly bemoaning his own lack of skill on thepianoforte. 

"Darned if I don't wish I'd 'a' took some lessons on the piano myselflike that guy done. It certainly does help to while away the tejumwhen you got friends in for the afternoon. But then I was just ahill-billy. Likely I couldn't have learned the notes good. "

It was a half-hour later that I was called to the telephone to listento the anguished accents of Belknap-Jackson. 

"Have you heard it?" he called. I answered that I had. 

"The man is a paranoiac. He should be at once confined in an asylumfor the criminal insane. "

"I shall row him fiercely about it, never fear. I've not seen himyet. "

"But the creature should be watched. He may do harm to himself or tosome innocent person. They--they run wild, they kill, they burn--setfire to buildings--that sort of thing. I tell you, none of us issafe. "

"The situation, " I answered, "has even more shocking possibilities, but I've an idea I shall be equal to it. If the worst seems to beimminent I shall adopt extreme measures. " I closed the interview. Itwas too painful. I wished to summon all my powers of deliberation. 

To my amazement who should presently appear among my throng ofluncheon patrons but the Honourable George. I will not say that heslunk in, but there was an unaccustomed diffidence in his bearing. Hedid not meet my eye, and it was not difficult to perceive that he hadno wish to engage my notice. As he sought a vacant table I observedthat he was spotted quite profusely, and his luncheon order was of thesimplest. 

Straight I went to him. He winced a bit, I thought, as he saw meapproach, but then he apparently resolved to brass it out, for heglanced full at me with a terrific assumption of bravado and at oncebegan to give me beans about my service. 

"Your bally tea shop running down, what! Louts for waiters, cloddishlouts! Disgraceful, my word! Slow beggars! Take a year to do you arasher and a bit of toast, what!"

To this absurd tirade I replied not a word, but stood silentlyregarding him. I dare say my gaze was of the most chilling characterand steady. He endured it but a moment. His eyes fell, his bravadovanished, he fumbled with the cutlery. Quite abashed he was. 

"Come, your explanation!" I said curtly, divining that the moment wasone in which to adopt a tone with him. He wriggled a bit, crumpling aroll with panic fingers. 

"Come, come!" I commanded. 

His face brightened, though with an intention most obviously false. Hecoughed--a cough of pure deception. Not only were his eyes avertedfrom mine, but they were glassed to an uncanny degree. The fingerswrought piteously at the now plastic roll. 

"My word, the chap was taken bad; had to be seen to, what! Revived, Imean to say. All piano Johnnies that way--nervous wrecks, what!Spells! Spells, man--spells!"

"Come, come!" I said crisply. The glassed eyes were those of onehypnotized. 

"In the carriage--to the hyphen chap's place, to be sure. Faintingspell--weak heart, what! No stimulants about. Passing house! Perhapshave stimulants--heart tablets, er--beer--things of that sort. Leadhim in. Revive him. Quite well presently, but not well enough to goon. Couldn't let a piano Johnny die on our hands, what! Inquest, evidence, witnesses--all that silly rot. Save his life, what! Presenceof mind! Kind hearts, what! Humanity! Do as much for any chap. Not lethim die like a dog in the gutter, what! Get no credit, though----" Hiscuriously mechanical utterance trailed off to be lost in a mere huskymurmur. The glassy stare was still at my wall. 

I have in the course of my eventful career had occasion to mark thevarying degrees of plausibility with which men speak untruths, butnever, I confidently aver, have I beheld one lie with so piteous afutility. The art--and I dare say with diplomat chaps and that sort itmay properly be called an art--demands as its very essence that thespeaker seem to be himself convinced of the truth of that which heutters. And the Honourable George in his youth mentioned for theForeign Office!

I turned away. The exhibition was quite too indecent. I left him tomince at his meagre fare. As I glanced his way at odd momentsthereafter, he would be muttering feverishly to himself. I mean tosay, he no longer _was_ himself. He presently made his way to thestreet, looking neither to right nor left. He had, in truth, the dazedmanner of one stupefied by some powerful narcotic. I wonderedpityingly when I should again behold him--if it might be that his poorwits were bedevilled past mending. 

My period of uncertainty was all too brief. Some two hours later, fullinto the tide of our afternoon shopping throng, there issued aspectacle that removed any lingering doubt of the unfortunate man'splight. In the rather smart pony-trap of the Klondike woman, driven bythe person herself, rode the Honourable George. Full in the startledgaze of many of our best people he advertised his defection from allthat makes for a sanely governed stability in our social organism. Hehad gone flagrantly over to the Bohemian set. 

I could detect that his eyes were still glassy, but his head waserect. He seemed to flaunt his shame. And the guilty partner of hisdownfall drove with an affectation of easy carelessness, yet with alift of the chin which, though barely perceptible, had all the effectof binding the prisoner to her chariot wheels; a prisoner, moreover, whom it was plain she meant to parade to the last ignominious degree. She drove leisurely, and in the little infrequent curt turns of herhead to address her companion she contrived to instill so finished aneffect of boredom that she must have goaded to frenzy any matron ofthe North Side set who chanced to observe her, as more than one ofthem did. 

Thrice did she halt along our main thoroughfare for bits of shopping, a mere running into of shops or to the doors of them where she couldissue verbal orders, the while she surveyed her waiting and druggedcaptive with a certain half-veiled but good-humoured insolence. Atthese moments--for I took pains to overlook the shocking scene--theHonourable George followed her with eyes no longer glassed; the eyesof helpless infatuation. "He looks at her, " Cousin Egbert had said. Hehad told it all and told it well. The equipage graced our street uponone paltry excuse or another for the better part of an hour, the womanbeing minded that none of us should longer question her supremacy overthe next and eleventh Earl of Brinstead. 

Not for another hour did the effects of the sensation die out amongtradesmen and the street crowds. It was like waves that recede butgradually. They talked. They stopped to talk. They passed on talking. They hissed vivaciously; they rose to exclamations. I mean to say, there was no end of a gabbling row about it. 

There was in my mind no longer any room for hesitation. The quiteharshest of extreme measures must be at once adopted before all wastoo late. I made my way to the telegraph office. It was not a time forcorrespondence by post. 

Afterward I had myself put through by telephone to Belknap-Jackson. With his sensitive nature he had stopped in all day. Although stillaverse to appearing publicly, he now consented to meet me at mychambers late that evening. 

"The whole town is seething with indignation, " he called to me. "Itwas disgraceful. I shall come at ten. We rely upon you. "

Again I saw that he was concerned solely with his humiliation as awould-be host. Not yet had he divined that the deluded HonourableGeorge might go to the unspeakable length of a matrimonial alliancewith the woman who had enchained him. And as to his own disaster, hewas less than accurate when he said that the whole town was seethingwith indignation. The members of the North Side set, to be sure, wereseething furiously, but a flippant element of the baser sort was quiteopenly rejoicing. As at the time of that most slanderous minstrelperformance, it was said that the Bohemian set had again, if I havecaught the phrase, "put a thing over upon" the North Side set. Manypersons of low taste seemed quite to enjoy the dreadful affair, andthe members of the Bohemian set, naturally, throughout the day hadbeen quite coarsely beside themselves with glee. 

Little they knew, I reflected, what power I could wield nor that I hadalready set in motion its deadly springs. Little did the woman dream, flaunting her triumph up and down our main business thoroughfare, thatone who watched her there had but to raise his hand to wrest thevictim from her toils. Little did she now dream that he would stop atno half measures. I mean to say, she would never think I could bowlher out as easy as buying cockles off a barrow. 

At the hour for our conference Belknap-Jackson arrived at my chambersmuffled in an ulster and with a soft hat well over his face. Igathered that he had not wished to be observed. 

"I feel that this is a crisis, " he began as he gloomily shook my hand. "Where is our boasted twentieth-century culture if outrages like thisare permitted? For the first time I understand how these Westerncommunities have in the past resorted to mob violence. Public feelingis already running high against the creature and her unspeakable set. "

I met this outburst with the serenity of one who holds the winningcards in his hand, and begged him to be seated. Thereupon I disclosedto him the weakly, susceptible nature of the Honourable George, reciting the incidents of the typing-girl and the Brixton milliner. Iadded that now, as before, I should not hesitate to preserve thefamily honour. 

"A dreadful thing, indeed, " he murmured, "if that adventuress shouldtrap him into a marriage. Imagine her one day a Countess of Brinstead!But suppose the fellow prove stubborn; suppose his infatuation dullsall his finer instincts?"

I explained that the Honourable George, while he might upon the spurof the moment commit a folly, was not to be taken too seriously; thathe was, I believed, quite incapable of a grand passion. I mean to say, he always forgot them after a few days. More like a child staring intoshop-windows he was, rapidly forgetting one desired object in thepresence of others. I added that I had adopted the extremest measures. 

Thereupon, perceiving that I had something in my sleeve, as the sayingis, my caller besought me to confide in him. Without a word I handedhim a copy of my cable message sent that afternoon to his lordship:

 _"Your immediate presence required to prevent a monstrous folly. "_

He brightened as he read it. 

"You actually mean to say----" he began. 

"His lordship, " I explained, "will at once understand the nature ofwhat is threatened. He knows, moreover, that I would not alarm himwithout cause. He will come at once, and the Honourable George will betold what. His lordship has never failed. He tells him what perfectly, and that's quite all to it. The poor chap will be saved. "

My caller was profoundly stirred. "Coming here--to Red Gap--hislordship the Earl of Brinstead--actually coming here! My God! This iswonderful!" He paused; he seemed to moisten his dry lips; he beganonce more, and now his voice trembled with emotion: "He will need aplace to stay; our hotel is impossible; had you thought----" Heglanced at me appealingly. 

"I dare say, " I replied, "that his lordship will be pleased to haveyou put him up; you would do him quite nicely. "

"You mean it--seriously? That would be--oh, inexpressible. He would beour house guest! The Earl of Brinstead! I fancy that would silence afew of these serpent tongues that are wagging so venomously to-day!"

"But before his coming, " I insisted, "there must be no word of hisarrival. The Honourable George would know the meaning of it, and thewoman, though I suspect now that she is only making a show of him, might go on to the bitter end. They must suspect nothing. "

"I had merely thought of a brief and dignified notice in our press, "he began, quite wistfully, "but if you think it might defeat ourends----"

"It must wait until he has come. "

"Glorious!" he exclaimed. "It will be even more of a blow to them. " Hebegan to murmur as if reading from a journal, "'His lordship the Earlof Brinstead is visiting for a few days'--it will surely be as much asa few days, perhaps a week or more--'is visiting for a few days the C. Belknap-Jacksons of Boston and Red Gap. '" He seemed to regard theprinted words. "Better still, 'The C. Belknap-Jacksons of Boston andRed Gap are for a few days entertaining as their honoured house guesthis lordship the Earl of Brinstead----' Yes, that's admirable. "

He arose and impulsively clasped my hand. "Ruggles, dear old chap, Ishan't know at all how to repay you. The Bohemian set, such as arepossible, will be bound to come over to us. There will be left of itbut one unprincipled woman--and she wretched and an outcast. She hasmade me absurd. I shall grind her under my heel. The east room shallbe prepared for his lordship; he shall breakfast there if he wishes. Ifancy he'll find us rather more like himself than he suspects. Heshall see that we have ideals that are not half bad. "

He wrung my hand again. His eyes were misty with gratitude. 

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Three days later came the satisfying answer to my cable message:

 _"Damn! Sailing Wednesday_. --BRINSTEAD. "

Glad I was he had used the cable. In a letter there would doubtlesshave been still other words improper to a peer of England. 

Belknap-Jackson thereafter bore himself with a dignity quitetremendous even for him. Graciously aloof, he was as one carrying aninner light. "We hold them in the hollow of our hand, " said he, andboth his wife and himself took pains on our own thoroughfare to cutthe Honourable George dead, though I dare say the poor chap never atall noticed it. They spoke of him as "a remittance man"--the blacksheep of a noble family. They mentioned sympathetically the troublehis vicious ways had been to his brother, the Earl. Indeed, somysteriously important were they in allusions of this sort that I wasobliged to caution them, lest they let out the truth. As it was, thereran through the town an undercurrent of puzzled suspicion. It wasintimated that we had something in our sleeves. 

Whether this tension was felt by the Honourable George, I had no meansof knowing. I dare say not, as he is self-centred, being seldom awareof anything beyond his own immediate sensations. But I had reason tobelieve that the Klondike woman had divined some menace in ourattitude of marked indifference. Her own manner, when it could beobserved, grew increasingly defiant, if that were possible. Thealliance of the Honourable George with the Bohemian set had become, ofcourse, a public scandal after the day of his appearance in her trapand after his betrayal of the Belknap-Jacksons had been gossiped torags. He no longer troubled himself to pretend any esteem whatever forthe North Side set. Scarce a day passed but he appeared in public asthe woman's escort. He flagrantly performed her commissions, and attheir questionable Bohemian gatherings, with their beer and sausagesand that sort of thing, he was the gayest of that gay, mad set. 

Indeed, of his old associates, Cousin Egbert quite almost alone seemedto find him any longer desirable, and him I had no heart to caution, knowing that I should only wound without enlightening him, he beingentirely impervious to even these cruder aspects of class distinction. I dare say he would have considered the marriage of the HonourableGeorge as no more than the marriage of one of his cattle-personcompanions. I mean to say, he is a dear old sort and I should neverfail to defend him in the most disheartening of his vagaries, but heis undeniably insensitive to what one does and does not do. 

The conviction ran, let me repeat, that we had another pot of broth onthe fire. I gleaned as much from the Mixer, she being one of the fewothers besides Cousin Egbert in whose liking the Honourable George hadnot terrifically descended. She made it a point to address me on thesubject over a dish of tea at the Grill one afternoon, choosing atable sufficiently remote from my other feminine guests, whodoubtless, at their own tables, discussed the same complication. I wasindeed glad that we were remote from other occupied tables, because inthe course of her remarks she quite forcefully uttered an oath, whichI thought it as well not to have known that I cared to tolerate in mylady patrons. 

"As to what Jackson feels about the way it was handed out to him thatSunday, " she bluntly declared, "I don't care a----" The oath quitedazed me for a moment, although I had been warned that she would uselanguage on occasion. "What I do care about, " she went on briskly, "isthat I won't have this girl pestered by Jackson or by you or by anyman that wears hair! Why, Jackson talks so silly about her sometimesyou'd think she was a bad woman--and he keeps hinting about somethinghe's going to put over till I can hardly keep my hands off him. I justknow some day he'll make me forget I'm a lady. Now, take it from me, Bill, if you're setting in with him, don't start anything you can'tfinish. "

Really she was quite fierce about it. I mean to say, the glitter inher eyes made me recall what Cousin Egbert had said of Mrs. Effie, herbeing quite entirely willing to take on a rattlesnake and give it theadvantage of the first two assaults. Somewhat flustered I was, yet Ihastened to assure her that, whatever steps I might feel obliged totake for the protection of the Honourable George, they would involvenothing at all unfair to the lady in question. 

"Well, they better hadn't!" she resumed threateningly. "That girl hada hard time all right, but listen here--she's as right as a church. She couldn't fool me a minute if she wasn't. Don't you suppose I beenaround and around quite some? Just because she likes to have a goodtime and outdresses these dames here--is that any reason they shouldget out their hammers? Ain't she earned some right to a good time, tell me, after being married when she was a silly kid to Two-spotKenner, the swine--and God bless the trigger finger of the man thatbumped him off! As for the poor old Judge, don't worry. I like the oldboy, but Kate Kenner won't do anything more than make a monkey of himjust to spite Jackson and his band of lady knockers. Marry him? Say, get me right, Bill--I'll put it as delicate as I can--the Judge is toodarned far from being a mental giant for that. "

I dare say she would have slanged me for another half-hour but for theconstant strain of keeping her voice down. As it was, she boomed upnow and again in a way that reduced to listening silence the ladies atseveral distant tables. 

As to the various points she had raised, I was somewhat confused. About the Honourable George, for example: He was, to be sure, nomental giant. But one occupying his position is not required to be. Indeed, in the class to which he was born one well knows that a mentalgiant would be quite as distressingly bizarre as any other freak. Iregretted not having retorted this to her, for it now occurred to methat she had gone it rather strong with her "poor old Judge. " I meanto say, it was almost quite a little bit raw for a native American toadopt this patronizing tone toward one of us. 

And yet I found that my esteem for the Mixer had increased rather thandiminished by reason of her plucky defence of the Klondike woman. Ihad no reason to suppose that the designing creature was worth adefence, but I could only admire the valour that made it. Also I foundfood for profound meditation in the Mixer's assertion that the woman'ssole aim was to "make a monkey" of the Honourable George. If she wereright, a mésalliance need not be feared, at which thought I felt agreat relief. That she should achieve the lesser and perhaps equallyeasy feat with the poor chap was a calamity that would be, I fancied, endured by his lordship with a serene fortitude. 

Curiously enough, as I went over the Mixer's tirade point by point, Ifound in myself an inexplicable loss of animus toward the Klondikewoman. I will not say I was moved to sympathy for her, but doubtlessthat strange ferment of equality stirred me toward her with somethingless than the indignation I had formerly felt. Perhaps she was anentirely worthy creature. In that case, I merely wished her to betaught that one must not look too far above one's station, even inAmerica, in so serious an affair as matrimony. With all my heart Ishould wish her a worthy mate of her own class, and I was glad indeedto reflect upon the truth of my assertion to the Mixer, that no unfairadvantage would be taken of her. His lordship would remove theHonourable George from her toils, a made monkey, perhaps, but nohusband. 

Again that day did I listen to a defence of this woman, and from asource whence I could little have expected it. Meditating upon thematter, I found myself staring at Mrs. Judson as she polished someglassware in the pantry. As always, the worthy woman made a pleasingpicture in her neat print gown. From staring at her rather absently Icaught myself reflecting that she was one of the few women whose hairis always perfectly coiffed. I mean to say, no matter what the pressof her occupation, it never goes here and there. 

From the hair, my meditative eye, still rather absently, I believe, descended her quite good figure to her boots. Thereupon, my gazeceased to be absent. They were not boots. They were bronzed slipperswith high heels and metal buckles and of a character so distinctivethat I instantly knew they had once before been impressed upon myvision. Swiftly my mind identified them: they had been worn by theKlondike woman on the occasion of a dinner at the Grill, inconjunction with a gown to match and a bluish scarf--all combining toachieve an immense effect. 

My assistant hummed at her task, unconscious of my scrutiny. I recallthat I coughed slightly before disclosing to her that my attention hadbeen attracted to her slippers. She took the reference lightly, affecting, as the sex will, to belittle any prized possession in theface of masculine praise. 

"I have seen them before, " I ventured. 

"She gives me all of hers. I haven't had to buy shoes since baby wasborn. She gives me--lots of things--stockings and things. She likes meto have them. "

"I didn't know you knew her. "

"Years! I'm there once a week to give the house a good going over. That Jap of hers is the limit. Dust till you can't rest. And when Iclean he just grins. "

I mused upon this. The woman was already giving half her time tosuperintending two assistants in the preparation of the InternationalRelish. 

"Her work is too much in addition to your own, " I suggested. 

"Me? Work too hard? Not in a thousand years. I do all right for you, don't I?"

It was true; she was anything but a slacker. I more nearly approachedmy real objection. 

"A woman in your position, " I began, "can't be too careful as to theassociations she forms----" I had meant to go on, but found it quiteabsurdly impossible. My assistant set down the glass she had and quitevenomously brandished her towel at me. 

"So that's it?" she began, and almost could get no farther for meresputtering. I mean to say, I had long recognized that she possessedcharacter, but never had I suspected that she would have so inadequatea control of her temper. 

"So that's it?" she sputtered again, "And I thought you were toodecent to join in that talk about a woman just because she's young andwears pretty clothes and likes to go out. I'm astonished at you, Ireally am. I thought you were more of a man!" She broke off, scowlingat me most furiously. 

Feeling all at once rather a fool, I sought to conciliate her. "I havejoined in no talk, " I said. "I merely suggested----" But she shut meoff sharply. 

"And let me tell you one thing: I can pick out my associates in thistown without any outside help. The idea! That girl is just as nice aperson as ever walked the earth, and nobody ever said she wasn'texcept those frumpy old cats that hate her good looks because the menall like her. "

"Old cats!" I echoed, wishing to rebuke this violence of epithet, butshe would have none of me. 

"Nasty old spite-cats, " she insisted with even more violence, and wenton to an almost quite blasphemous absurdity. "A prince in his palacewouldn't be any too good for her!"

"Tut, tut!" I said, greatly shocked. 

"Tut nothing!" she retorted fiercely. "A regular prince in his palace, that's what she deserves. There isn't a single man in this one-horsetown that's good enough to pick up her glove. And she knows it, too. She's carrying on with your silly Englishman now, but it's just to paythose old cats back in their own coin. She'll carry on with him--yes!But marry? Good heavens and earth! Marriage is serious!" With thisnovel conclusion she seized another glass and began to wipe itviciously. She glared at me, seeming to believe that she had closedthe interview. But I couldn't stop. In some curious way she hadstirred me rather out of myself--but not about the Klondike woman norabout the Honourable George. I began most illogically, I admit, torage inwardly about another matter. 

"You have other associates, " I exclaimed quite violently, "thosecattle-persons--I know quite all about it. That Hank and Buck--theycome here on the chance of seeing you; they bring you boxes of candy, they bring you little presents. Twice they've escorted you home atnight when you quite well knew I was only too glad to do it----" Ifelt my temper most curiously running away with me, ranting aboutthings I hadn't meant to at all. I looked for another outburst fromher, but to my amazement she flashed me a smile with a most enigmaticlook back of it. She tossed her head, but resumed her wiping of theglass with a certain demureness. She spoke almost meekly:

"They're very old friends, and I'm sure they always act right. I don'tsee anything wrong in it, even if Buck Edwards has shown me a gooddeal of attention. "

But this very meekness of hers seemed to arouse all the violence in mynature. 

"I won't have it!" I said. "You have no right to receive presents frommen. I tell you I won't have it! You've no right!"

"Haven't I?" she suddenly said in the most curious, cool little voice, her eyes falling before mine. "Haven't I? I didn't know. "

It was quite chilling, her tone and manner. I was cool in an instant. Things seemed to mean so much more than I had supposed they did. Imean to say, it was a fair crumpler. She paused in her wiping of theglass but did not regard me. I was horribly moved to go to her, butcoolly remembered that that sort of thing would never do. 

"I trust I have said enough, " I remarked with entirely recovereddignity. 

"You have, " she said. 

"I mean I won't have such things, " I said. 

"I hear you, " she said, and fell again to her work. I thereuponinvestigated an ice-box and found enough matter for complaint againstthe Hobbs boy to enable me to manage a dignified withdrawal to therear. The remarkable creature was humming again as I left. 

I stood in the back door of the Grill giving upon the alley, where Imused rather excitedly. Here I was presently interrupted by the dog, Mr. Barker. For weeks now I had been relieved of his odiousattentions, by the very curious circumstance that he had transferredthem to the Honourable George. Not all my kicks and cuffs and beatingshad sufficed one whit to repulse him. He had kept after me, fawnedupon me, in spite of them. And then on a day he had suddenly, withglad cries, become enamoured of the Honourable George, waiting for himat doors, following him, hanging upon his every look. And theHonourable George had rather fancied the beast and made much of him. 

And yet this animal is reputed by poets and that sort of thing to beman's best friend, faithfully sharing his good fortune and his bad, staying by his side to the bitter end, even refusing to leave his bodywhen he has perished--starving there with a dauntless fidelity. Howchagrined the weavers of these tributes would have been to observe thefickle nature of the beast in question! For weeks he had hardlydeigned me a glance. It had been a relief, to be sure, but what asickening disclosure of the cur's trifling inconstancy. Even now, though he sniffed hungrily at the open door, he paid me not the leastattention--me whom he had once idolized!

I slipped back to the ice-box and procured some slices of beef thatwere far too good for him. He fell to them with only a perfunctoryacknowledgment of my agency in procuring them. 

"Why, I thought you hated him!" suddenly said the voice of his owner. She had tiptoed to my side. 

"I do, " I said quite savagely, "but the unspeakable beast can't beleft to starve, can he?"

I felt her eyes upon me, but would not turn. Suddenly she put her handupon my shoulder, patting it rather curiously, as she might havesoothed her child. When I did turn she was back at her task. She washumming again, nor did she glance my way. Quite certainly she was nolonger conscious that I stood about. She had quite forgotten me. Icould tell as much from her manner. "Such, " I reflected, with anunaccustomed cynicism, "is the light inconsequence of women and dogs. "Yet I still experienced a curiously thrilling determination to protecther from her own good nature in the matter of her associates. 

At a later and cooler moment of the day I reflected upon her defenceof the Klondike woman. A "prince in his palace" not too good for her!No doubt she had meant me to take these remarkable words quiteseriously. It was amazing, I thought, with what seriousness the lowerclasses of the country took their dogma of equality, and with whatnaïve confidence they relied upon us to accept it. Equality in NorthAmerica was indeed praiseworthy; I had already given it the fullweight of my approval and meant to live by it. But at home, of course, that sort of thing would never do. The crude moral worth of theKlondike woman might be all that her two defenders had alleged, andindeed I felt again that strange little thrill of almost sympathy forher as one who had been unjustly aspersed. But I could only resolvethat I would be no party to any unfair plan of opposing her. TheHonourable George must be saved from her trifling as well as from herserious designs, if such she might have; but so far as I couldinfluence the process it should cause as little chagrin as possible tothe offender. This much the Mixer and my charwoman had achieved withme. Indeed, quite hopeful I was that when the creature had been setright as to what was due one of our oldest and proudest families shewould find life entirely pleasant among those of her own station. Sheseemed to have a good heart. 

As the day of his lordship's arrival drew near, Belknap-Jackson becameincreasingly concerned about the precise manner of his reception andthe details of his entertainment, despite my best assurances that noespecially profound thought need be given to either, his lordshipbeing quite that sort, fussy enough in his own way but hardly formalor pretentious. 

His prospective host, after many consultations with me, at lengthallowed himself to be dissuaded from meeting his lordship in correctafternoon garb of frock-coat and top-hat, consenting, at my urgentsuggestion, to a mere lounge-suit of tweeds with a soft-rolled hat anda suitable rough day stick. Again in the matter of the menu for hislordship's initial dinner which we had determined might well betendered him at my establishment. Both husband and wife were ratherkeen for an elaborate repast of many courses, feeling that anythingless would be doing insufficient honour to their illustrious guest, but I at length convinced them that I quite knew what his lordshipwould prefer: a vegetable soup, an abundance of boiled mutton withpotatoes, a thick pudding, a bit of scientifically correct cheese, anda jug of beer. Rather trying they were at my first mention of this--adinner quite without finesse, to be sure, but eminently nutritive--andonly their certainty that I knew his lordship's ways made them givein. 

The affair was to be confined to the family, his lordship the onlyguest, this being thought discreet for the night of his arrival inview of the peculiar nature of his mission. Belknap-Jackson had hopedagainst hope that the Mixer might not be present, and even so late asthe day of his lordship's arrival he was cheered by word that shemight be compelled to keep her bed with a neuralgia. 

To the afternoon train I accompanied him in his new motor-car, findinghim not a little distressed because the chauffeur, a native of thetown, had stoutly--and with some not nice words, I gathered--refusedto wear the smart uniform which his employer had provided. 

"I would have shopped the fellow in an instant, " he confided to me, "had it been at any other time. He was most impertinent. But as usual, here I am at the mercy of circumstances. We couldn't well subjectBrinstead to those loathsome public conveyances. "

We waited in the usual throng of the leisured lower-classes who are sonaïvely pleased at the passage of a train. I found myself picturingtheir childish wonder had they guessed the identity of him we werethere to meet. Even as the train appeared Belknap-Jackson made a lastmoan of complaint. 

"Mrs. Pettengill, " he observed dejectedly, "is about the house againand I fear will be quite well enough to be with us this evening. " Fora moment I almost quite disapproved of the fellow. I mean to say, hewas vogue and all that, and no doubt had been wretchedly mistreated, but after all the Mixer was not one to be wished ill to. 

A moment later I was contrasting the quiet arrival of his lordshipwith the clamour and confusion that had marked the advent among us ofthe Honourable George. He carried but one bag and attracted noattention whatever from the station loungers. While I have never knownhim be entirely vogue in his appointments, his lordship carries off alounge-suit and his gray-cloth hat with a certain manner which theHonourable George was never known to achieve even in the days when Igroomed him. The grayish rather aggressive looking side-whiskers firstcaught my eye, and a moment later I had taken his hand. Belknap-Jackson at the same time took his bag, and with a trepidationso obvious that his lordship may perhaps have been excusable for amomentary misapprehension. I mean to say, he instantly and crisplydirected Belknap-Jackson to go forward to the luggage van and recoverhis box. 

A bit awkward it was, to be sure, but I speedily took the situation inhand by formally presenting the two men, covering the palpableembarrassment of the host by explaining to his lordship the astoundingingenuity of the American luggage system. By the time I had deprivedhim of his check and convinced him that his box would be admirablyrecovered by a person delegated to that service, Belknap-Jackson, again in form, was apologizing to him for the squalid character of thestation and for the hardships he must be prepared to endure in a crudeWestern village. Here again the host was annoyed by having to callrepeatedly to his mechanician in order to detach him from a gossipinggroup of loungers. He came smoking a quite fearfully bad cigar andtook his place at the wheel entirely without any suitable deference tohis employer. 

His lordship during the ride rather pointedly surveyed me, beingimpressed, I dare say, by something in my appearance and manner quitenew to him. Doubtless I had been feeling equal for so long that thething was to be noticed in my manner. He made no comment upon me, however. Indeed almost the only time he spoke during our passage wasto voice his astonishment at not having been able to procure theLondon _Times_ at the press-stalls along the way. His host madeclucking noises of sympathy at this. He had, he said, already warnedhis lordship that America was still crude. 

"Crude? Of course, what, what!" exclaimed his lordship. "But naturallythey'd have the _Times_! I dare say the beggars were too lazy tolook it out. Laziness, what, what!"

"We've a job teaching them to know their places, " venturedBelknap-Jackson, moodily regarding the back of his chauffeur whichsomehow contrived to be eloquent with disrespect for him. 

"My word, what rot!" rejoined his lordship. I saw that he had arrivedin one of his peppery moods. I fancy he could not have recited amultiplication table without becoming fanatically assertive about it. That was his way. I doubt if he had ever condescended to have anopinion. What might have been opinions came out on him like a rash inform of the most violent convictions. 

"What rot not to know their places, when they must know them!" hesnappishly added. 

"Quite so, quite so!" his host hastened to assure him. 

"A--dashed--fine big country you have, " was his only otherobservation. 

"Indeed, indeed, " murmured his host mildly. I had rather dreaded theoath which his lordship is prone to use lightly. 

Reaching the Belknap-Jackson house, his lordship was shown to theapartment prepared for him. 

"Tea will be served in half an hour, your--er--Brinstead, " announcedhis host cordially, although seemingly at a loss how to address him. 

"Quite so, what, what! Tea, of course, of course! Why wouldn't it be?Meantime, if you don't mind, I'll have a word with Ruggles. At once. "

Belknap-Jackson softly and politely withdrew at once. 

Alone with his lordship, I thought it best to acquaint him instantlywith the change in my circumstances, touching lightly upon the matterof my now being an equal with rather most of the North Americans. Helistened with exemplary patience to my brief recital and was goodenough to felicitate me. 

"Assure you, glad to hear it--glad no end. Worthy fellow; always knewit. And equal, of course, of course! Take up their equality by allmeans if you take 'em up themselves. Curious lot of nose-talkingbeggars, and putting r's every place one shouldn't, but don't blameyou. Do it myself if I could--England gone to pot. Quite!"

"Gone to pot, sir?" I gasped. 

"Don't argue. Course it has. Women! Slasher fiends and firebrands!Pictures, churches, golf-greens, cabinet members--nothing safe. Pouring their beastly filth into pillar boxes. Women one knows. Hussies, though! Want the vote--rot! Awful rot! Don't blame you forAmerica. Wish I might, too. Good thing, my word! No backbone inDowning Street. Let the fiends out again directly they're hungry. Nosystem! No firmness! No dash! Starve 'em proper, I would. "

He was working himself into no end of a state. I sought to divert him. 

"About the Honourable George, sir----" I ventured. 

"What's the silly ass up to now? Dancing girl got him--yes? How hedoes it, I can't think. No looks, no manner, no way with women. Can'tstand him myself. How ever can they? Frightful bore, old George is. Well, well, man, I'm waiting. Tell me, tell me, tell me!"

Briefly I disclosed to him that his brother had entangled himself witha young person who had indeed been a dancing girl or a bit like thatin the province of Alaska. That at the time of my cable there wasstrong reason to believe she would stop at nothing--even marriage, butthat I had since come to suspect that she might be bent only on makinga fool of her victim, she being, although an honest enough character, rather inclined to levity and without proper respect for establishedfamilies. 

I hinted briefly at the social warfare of which she had been a stormcentre. I said again, remembering the warm words of the Mixer and ofmy charwoman, that to the best of my knowledge her character waswithout blemish. All at once I was feeling preposterously sorry forthe creature. 

His lordship listened, though with a cross-fire of interruptions. "Alaska dancing girl. Silly! Nothing but snow and mines in Alaska. "Or, again, "Make a fool of old George? What silly piffle! Already doneit himself, what, what! Waste her time!" And if she wasn't keen tomarry him, had I called him across the ocean to intervene in a vulgarvillage squabble about social precedence? "Social precedence sillyrot!"

I insisted that his brother should be seen to. One couldn't tell whatthe woman might do. Her audacity was tremendous, even for an American. To this he listened more patiently. 

"Dare say you're right. You don't go off your head easily. I'll raghim proper, now I'm here. Always knew the ass would make a sillymarriage if he could. Yes, yes, I'll break it up quick enough. I sayI'll break it up proper. Dancers and that sort. Dangerous. But I knowtheir tricks. "

A summons to tea below interrupted him. 

"Hungry, my word! Hardly dared eat in that dining-coach. Tinned stuffall about one. Appendicitis! American journal--some Colonel chap foundit out. Hunting sort. Looked a fool beside his silly horse, but seemedto know. Took no chances. Said the tin-opener slays its thousands. Rot, no doubt. Perhaps not. "

I led him below, hardly daring at the moment to confess my ownresponsibility for his fears. Another time, I thought, we might chatof it. 

Belknap-Jackson with his wife and the Mixer awaited us. His lordshipwas presented, and I excused myself. 

"Mrs. Pettengill, his lordship the Earl of Brinstead, " had been thehost's speech of presentation to the Mixer. 

"How do do, Earl; I'm right glad to meet you, " had been the Mixer'sacknowledgment, together with a hearty grasp of the hand. I saw hislordship's face brighten. 

"What ho!" he cried with the first cheerfulness he had exhibited, andthe Mixer, still vigorously pumping his hand, had replied, "Samehere!" with a vast smile of good nature. It occurred to me that they, at least, were quite going to "get" each other, as Americans say. 

"Come right in and set down in the parlour, " she was saying at thelast. "I don't eat between meals like you English folks are alwaysdoing, but I'll take a shot of hooch with you. "

The Belknap-Jacksons stood back not a little distressed. They seemedto publish that their guest was being torn from them. 

"A shot of hooch!" observed his lordship "I dare say your shootingover here is absolutely top-hole--keener sport than our popping atdriven birds. What, what!"

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

At a latish seven, when the Grill had become nicely filled with arepresentative crowd, the Belknap-Jacksons arrived with his lordship. The latter had not dressed and I was able to detect thatBelknap-Jackson, doubtless noting his guest's attire at the lastmoment, had hastily changed back to a lounge-suit of his own. Also Inoted the absence of the Mixer and wondered how the host had contrivedto eliminate her. On this point he found an opportunity to enlightenme before taking his seat. 

"Mark my words, that old devil is up to something, " he darkly said, and I saw that he was genuinely put about, for not often does he fallinto strong language. 

"After pushing herself forward with his lordship all through tea-timein the most brazen manner, she announces that she has a previousdinner engagement and can't be with us. I'm as well pleased to haveher absent, of course, but I'd pay handsomely to know what her littlegame is. Imagine her not dining with the Earl of Brinstead when shehad the chance! That shows something's wrong. I don't like it. I tellyou she's capable of things. "

I mused upon this. The Mixer was undoubtedly capable of things. Especially things concerning her son-in-law. And yet I could imagineno opening for her at the present moment and said as much. And Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, I was glad to observe, did not share her husband'sevident worry. She had entered the place plumingly, as it were, sweeping the length of the room before his lordship with quite all themanner her somewhat stubby figure could carry off. Seated, she becameat once vivacious, chatting to his lordship brightly and continuously, raking the room the while with her lorgnon. Half a dozen ladies of theNorth Side set were with parties at other tables. I saw she wasimmensely stimulated by the circumstance that these friends wereunaware of her guest's identity. I divined that before the evening wasover she would contrive to disclose it. 

His lordship responded but dully to her animated chat. He is neverless urbane than when hungry, and I took pains to have his favouritesoup served quite almost at once. This he fell upon. I may say that hehas always a hearty manner of attacking his soup. Not infrequently hemakes noises. He did so on this occasion. I mean to say, there was nofinesse. I hovered near, anxious that the service should be withoutflaw. 

His head bent slightly over his plate, I saw a spoonful of soupascending with precision toward his lips. But curiously it halted inmid-air, then fell back. His lordship's eyes had become fixed uponsome one back of me. At once, too, I noted looks of consternation uponthe faces of the Belknap-Jacksons, the hostess freezing in the verymidst of some choice phrase she had smilingly begun. 

I turned quickly. It was the Klondike person, radiant in the costumeof black and the black hat. She moved down the hushed room withwell-lifted chin, eyes straight ahead and narrowed to but a faintoffended consciousness of the staring crowd. It was well done. It wassuperior. I am able to judge those things. 

Reaching a table the second but one from the Belknap-Jacksons's, sherelaxed finely from the austere note of her progress and turned to hercompanions with a pretty and quite perfect confusion as to which chairshe might occupy. Quite awfully these companions were the Mixer, overwhelming in black velvet and diamonds, and Cousin Egbert, uncomfortable enough looking but as correctly enveloped in eveningdress as he could ever manage by himself. His cravat had been tiedmany times and needed it once more. 

They were seated by the raccoon with quite all his impressiveness ofmanner. They faced the Belknap-Jackson party, yet seemed unconsciousof its presence. Cousin Egbert, with a bored manner which I am certainhe achieved only with tremendous effort, scanned my simple menu. TheMixer settled herself with a vast air of comfort and arranged varioushand-belongings about her on the table. 

Between them the Klondike woman sat with a restraint that wouldactually not have ill-become one of our own women. She did not lookabout; her hands were still, her head was up. At former times with herown set she had been wont to exhibit a rather defiant vivacity. Nowshe did not challenge. Finely, eloquently, there pervaded her areserve that seemed almost to exhale a fragrance. But of course thatis silly rot. I mean to say, she drew the attention without visibleeffort. She only waited. 

The Earl of Brinstead, as we all saw, had continued to stare. Thriceslowly arose the spoon of soup, for mere animal habit was strong uponhim, yet at a certain elevation it each time fell slowly back. He wasacting like a mechanical toy. Then the Mixer caught his eye and noddedcrisply. He bobbed in response. 

"What ho! The dowager!" he exclaimed, and that time the soup wassuccessfully resumed. 

"Poor old mater!" sighed his hostess. "She's constantly taking uppeople. One does, you know, in these queer Western towns. "

"Jolly old thing, awfully good sort!" said his lordship, but his eyeswere not on the Mixer. 

Terribly then I recalled the Honourable George's behaviour at thatsame table the night he had first viewed this Klondike person. Hislordship was staring in much the same fashion. Yet I was relieved toobserve that the woman this time was quite unconscious of the interestshe had aroused. In the case of the Honourable George, who had franklyogled her--for the poor chap has ever lacked the finer shades in thesematters--she had not only been aware of it but had deliberately playedupon it. It is not too much to say that she had shown herself to be acreature of blandishments. More than once she had permitted her eyesto rest upon him with that peculiarly womanish gaze which, althoughsuperficially of a blank innocence, is yet all-seeing and even shootslittle fine arrows of questions from its ambuscade. But now she wasignoring his lordship as utterly as she did the Belknap-Jacksons. 

To be sure she may later have been in some way informed that his eyeswere seeking her, but never once, I am sure, did she descend to even aveiled challenge of his glance or betray the faintest discreetconsciousness of it. And this I was indeed glad to note in her. Clearly she must know where to draw the line, permitting herself amalicious laxity with a younger brother which she would not have thepresumption to essay with the holder of the title. Pleased I was, Isay, to detect in her this proper respect for his lordship's position. It showed her to be not all unworthy. 

The dinner proceeded, his lordship being good enough to compliment meon the fare which I knew was done to his liking. Yet, even in the verypresence of the boiled mutton, his eyes were too often upon hisneighbour. When he behaved thus in the presence of a dish of mutton Ihad not to be told that he was strongly moved. I uneasily recalled nowthat he had once been a bit of a dog himself. I mean to say, there wastalk in the countryside, though of course it had died out a score ofyears ago. I thought it as well, however, that he be told almostimmediately that the person he honoured with his glance was no otherthan the one he had come to subtract his unfortunate brother from. 

The dinner progressed--somewhat jerkily because of his lordship'sinattention--through the pudding and cheese to coffee. Never had Iknown his lordship behave so languidly in the presence of food hecared for. His hosts ate even less. They were worried. Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, however, could simply no longer contain withinherself the secret of their guest's identity. With excuses to the deafears of his lordship she left to address a friend at a distant table. She addressed others at other tables, leaving a flutter of sensationin her wake. 

Belknap-Jackson, having lighted one of his non-throat cigarettes, endeavoured to engross his lordship with an account of their lastelection of officers to the country club. His lordship was notproperly attentive to this. Indeed, with his hostess gone he no longermade any pretence of concealing his interest in the other table. I sawhim catch the eye of the Mixer and astonishingly intercepted from hera swift but most egregious wink. 

"One moment, " said his lordship to the host. "Must pay my respects tothe dowager, what, what! Jolly old muggins, yes!" And he was gone. 

I heard the Mixer's amazing presentation speech. 

"Mrs. Kenner, Mr. Floud, his lordship--say, listen here, is your rightname Brinstead, or Basingwell, like your brother's?"

The Klondike person acknowledged the thing with a faintly graciousnod. It carried an air, despite the slightness of it. Cousin Egbertwas more cordial. 

"Pleased to meet you, Lord!" said he, and grasped the newcomer's hand. "Come on, set in with us and have some coffee and a cigar. Here, Jeff, bring the lord a good cigar. We was just talking about you thatminute. How do you like our town? Say, this here Kulanche Valley----" Ilost the rest. His lordship had seated himself. At his own tableBelknap-Jackson writhed acutely. He was lighting a secondcigarette--the first not yet a quarter consumed!

At once the four began to be thick as thieves, though it was apparenthis lordship had eyes only for the woman. Coffee was brought. Hislordship lighted his cigar. And now the word had so run from Mrs. Belknap-Jackson that all eyes were drawn to this table. She hadcreated her sensation and it had become all at once more of one thanshe had thought. From Mrs. Judge Ballard's table I caught her glare ather unconscious mother. It was not the way one's daughter shouldregard one in public. 

Presently contriving to pass the table again, I noted that CousinEgbert had changed his form of address. 

"Have some brandy with your coffee, Earl. Here, Jeff, bring Earl andall of us some lee-cures. " I divined the monstrous truth that hesupposed himself to be calling his lordship by his first name, and hein turn must have understood my shocked glance of rebuke, for a bitlater, with glad relief in his tones, he was addressing his lordshipas "Cap!" And myself he had given the rank of colonel!

The Klondike person in the beginning finely maintained her reserve. Only at the last did she descend to vivacity or the use of her eyes. This later laxness made me wonder if, after all, she would feel boundto pay his lordship the respect he was wont to command from her class. 

"You and poor George are rather alike, " I overheard, "except that heuses the single 'what' and you use the double. Hasn't he any right touse the double 'what' yet, and what does it mean, anyway? Tell us. "

"What, what!" demanded his lordship, a bit puzzled. 

"But that's it! What do you say 'What, what' for? It can't do you anygood. "

"What, what! But I mean to say, you're having me on. My word youare--spoofing, I mean to say. What, what! To be sure. Chaffing lot, you are!" He laughed. He was behaving almost with levity. 

"But poor old George is so much younger than you--you must makeallowances, " I again caught her saying; and his lordship replied:

"Not at all; not at all! Matter of a half-score years. Barely ahalf-score; nine and a few months. Younger? What rot! Chaffing again. "

Really it was a bit thick, the creature saying "poor old George" quiteas if he were something in an institution, having to be wheeled aboutin a bath-chair with rugs and water-bottles!

Glad I was when the trio gave signs of departure. It was woman's craftdictating it, I dare say. She had made her effect and knew when to go. 

"Of course we shall have to talk over my dreadful designs on your poorold George, " said the amazing woman, intently regarding his lordshipat parting. 

"Leave it to me, " said he, with a scarcely veiled significance. 

"Well, see you again, Cap, " said Cousin Egbert warmly. "I'll take youaround to meet some of the boys. We'll see you have a good time. "

"What ho!" his lordship replied cordially. The Klondike person flashedhim one enigmatic look, then turned to precede her companions. Againdown the thronged room she swept, with that chin-lifted, drooping-eyed, faintly offended half consciousness of some staringrabble at hand that concerned her not at all. Her alert feminine foes, I am certain, read no slightest trace of amusement in her unwaveringlowered glance. So easily she could have been crude here!

Belknap-Jackson, enduring his ignominious solitude to the limit of hispowers, had joined his wife at the lower end of the room. They hadtaken the unfortunate development with what grace they could. Hislordship had dropped in upon them quite informally--charming man thathe was. Of course he would quickly break up the disgraceful affair. Beginning at once. They would doubtless entertain for him in a quietway----

At the deserted table his lordship now relieved a certain sickeningapprehension that had beset me. 

"What, what! Quite right to call me out here. Shan't forget it. Dangerous creature, that. Badly needed, I was. Can't think why youwaited so long! Anything might have happened to old George. Break itup proper, though. Never do at all. Impossible person for him. Quite!"

I saw they had indeed taken no pains to hide the woman's identity fromhim nor their knowledge of his reason for coming out to the States, though with wretchedly low taste they had done this chaffingly. Yet itwas only too plain that his lordship now realized what had been theprofound gravity of the situation, and I was glad to see that he meantto end it without any nonsense. 

"Silly ass, old George, though, " he added as the Belknap-Jacksonsapproached. "How a creature like that could ever have fancied him!What, what!"

His hosts were profuse in their apologies for having so thoughtlesslyrun away from his lordship--they carried it off rather well. They werekeen for sitting at the table once more, as the other observant dinerswere lingering on, but his lordship would have none of this. 

"Stuffy place!" said he. "Best be getting on. " And so, reluctantly, they led him down the gauntlet of widened eyes. Even so, the tenthEarl of Brinstead had dined publicly with them. More than repaid theywere for the slight the Honourable George had put upon them in theaffair of the pianoforte artist. 

An hour later Belknap-Jackson had me on by telephone. His voice wasnot a little worried. 

"I say, is his lordship, the Earl, subject to spells of any sort? Wewere in the library where I was showing him some photographic views ofdear old Boston, and right over a superb print of our public libraryhe seemed to lose consciousness. Might it be a stroke? Or do you thinkit's just a healthy sleep? And shall I venture to shake him? How wouldhe take that? Or should I merely cover him with a travelling rug? Itwould be so dreadful if anything happened when he's been with us sucha little time. "

I knew his lordship. He has the gift of sleeping quite informally whenhis attention is not too closely engaged. I suggested that the hostset his musical phonograph in motion on some one of the more audibleselections. As I heard no more from him that night I dare say my planworked. 

Our town, as may be imagined, buzzed with transcendent gossip on themorrow. The _Recorder_ disclosed at last that the Belknap-Jacksonsof Boston and Red Gap were quietly entertaining his lordship, theEarl of Brinstead, though since the evening before this had been newsto hardly any one. Nor need it be said that a viciously fermentingelement in the gossip concerned the apparently cordial meeting of hislordship with the Klondike person, an encounter that had been watchedwith jealous eyes by more than one matron of the North Side set. Itwas even intimated that if his lordship had come to put the creaturein her place he had chosen a curious way to set about it. 

Also there were hard words uttered of the Belknap-Jacksons by Mrs. Effie, and severe blame put upon myself because his lordship had notcome out to the Flouds'. 

"But the Brinsteads have always stopped with us before, " she wentabout saying, as if there had been a quite long succession of them. Imean to say, only the Honourable George had stopped on with them, unless, indeed, the woman actually counted me as one. Between herselfand Mrs. Belknap-Jackson, I understood, there ensued early thatmorning by telephone a passage of virulent acidity, Mrs. Effie beingheard by Cousin Egbert to say bluntly that she would get even. 

Undoubtedly she did not share the annoyance of the Belknap-Jacksons atcertain eccentricities now developed by his lordship which made him attimes a trying house guest. That first morning he arose at five sharp, a custom of his which I deeply regretted not having warned his hostabout. Discovering quite no one about, he had ventured abroad insearch of breakfast, finding it at length in the eating establishmentknown as "Bert's Place, " in company with engine-drivers, plate-layers, milk persons, and others of a common sort. 

Thereafter he had tramped furiously about the town and its environsfor some hours, at last encountering Cousin Egbert who escorted him tothe Floud home for his first interview with the Honourable George. Thelatter received his lordship in bed, so Cousin Egbert later informedme. He had left the two together, whereupon for an hour there wereheard quite all over the house words of the most explosive character. Cousin Egbert, much alarmed at the passionate beginning of theinterview, suspected they might do each other a mischief, and for somemoments hovered about with the aim, if need be, of preserving humanlife. But as the uproar continued evenly, he at length concluded theywould do no more than talk, the outcome proving the accuracy of hissurmise. 

Mrs. Effie, meantime, saw her opportunity and seized it with a coolreadiness which I have often remarked in her. Belknap-Jackson, distressed beyond measure at the strange absence of his guest, hadcommunicated with me by telephone several times without result. Notuntil near noon was I able to give him any light. Mrs. Effie had thencalled me to know what his lordship preferred for luncheon. Replyingthat cold beef, pickles, and beer were his usual mid-day fancy, Ihastened to allay the fears of the Belknap-Jacksons, only to find thatMrs. Effie had been before me. 

"She says, " came the annoyed voice of the host, "that the dear Earldropped in for a chat with his brother and has most delightfullybegged her to give him luncheon. She says he will doubtless wish todrive with them this afternoon, but I had already planned to drive himmyself--to the country club and about. The woman is high-handed, Imust say. For God's sake, can't you do something?"

I was obliged to tell him straight that the thing was beyond me, though I promised to recover his guest promptly, should anyopportunity occur. The latter did not, however, drive with the Floudsthat afternoon. He was observed walking abroad with Cousin Egbert, andit was later reported by persons of unimpeachable veracity that theyhad been seen to enter the Klondike person's establishment. 

Evening drew on without further news. But then certain elated membersof the Bohemian set made it loosely known that they were that eveningto dine informally at their leader's house to meet his lordship. Itseemed a bit extraordinary to me, yet I could not but rejoice that heshould thus adopt the peaceful methods of diplomacy for theextrication of his brother. 

Belknap-Jackson now telephoning to know if I had heard thisreport--"canard" he styled it--I confirmed it and remarked that hislordship was undoubtedly by way of bringing strong pressure to bear onthe woman. 

"But I had expected him to meet a few people here this evening, " criedthe host pathetically. I was then obliged to tell him that theBrinsteads for centuries had been bluntly averse to meeting a fewpeople. It seemed to run in the blood. 

The Bohemian dinner, although quite informal, was said to have beenhighly enjoyed by all, including the Honourable George, who was amongthose present, as well as Cousin Egbert. The latter gossiped brieflyof the affair the following day. 

"Sure, the Cap had a good time all right, " he said. "Of course heain't the mixer the Judge is, but he livens up quite some, now andthen. Talks like a bunch of firecrackers going off all to once, don'the? Funny guy. I walked with him to the Jacksons' about twelve or one. He's going back to Mis' Kenner's house today. He says it'll take a lotof talking back and forth to get this thing settled right, and it'sgot to be right, he says. He seen that right off. " He paused as if tomeditate profoundly. 

"If you was to ask me, though, I'd say she had him--just like that!"

He held an open hand toward me, then tightly clenched it. 

Suspecting he might spread absurd gossip of this sort, I explainedcarefully to him that his lordship had indeed at once perceived her tobe a dangerous woman; and that he was now taking his own cunning wayto break off the distressing affair between her and his brother. Helistened patiently, but seemed wedded to some monstrous view of hisown. 

"Them dames of that there North Side set better watch out, " heremarked ominously. "First thing they know, what that Kate Kenner'llhand them--they can make a lemonade out of!"

I could make but little of this, save its general import, which was ofcourse quite shockingly preposterous. I found myself wishing, to besure, that his lordship had been able to accomplish his mission toNorth America without appearing to meet the person as a social equal, as I feared indeed that a wrong impression of his attitude would begained by the undiscerning public. It might have been better, I wasalmost quite certain, had he adopted a stern and even brutal method atthe outset, instead of the circuitous and diplomatic. Belknap-Jacksonshared this view with me. 

"I should hate dreadfully to have his lordship's reputation suffer forthis, " he confided to me. 

The first week dragged to its close in this regrettable fashion. Oftener than not his hosts caught no glimpse of his lordshipthroughout the day. The smart trap and the tandem team were constantlyready, but he had not yet been driven abroad by his host. Each day healleged the necessity of conferring with the woman. 

"Dangerous creature, my word! But dangerous!" he would announce. "Takes no end of managing. Do it, though; do it proper. Take a highhand with her. Can't have silly old George in a mess. Own brother, what, what! Time needed, though. Not with you at dinner, if you don'tmind. Creature has a way of picking up things not half nasty. "

But each day Belknap-Jackson met him with pressing offers of suchentertainment as the town afforded. Three several times he had beenobliged to postpone the informal evening affair for a few smartpeople. Yet, though patient, he was determined. Reluctantly at last heabandoned the design of driving his guest about in the trap, but heinsistently put forward the motor-car. He would drive it himself. Theywould spend pleasant hours going about the country. His lordshipcontinued elusive. To myself he confided that his host was a nagger. 

"Awfully nagging sort, yes. Doesn't know the strain I'm under gettingthis silly affair straight. Country interesting no doubt, what, what!But, my word! saw nothing but country coming out. Country quite allabout, miles and miles both sides of the metals. Seen enough country. Seen motor-cars, too, my word. Enough of both, what, what!"

Yet it seemed that on the Saturday after his arrival he could nolonger decently put off his insistent host. He consented to accompanyhim in the motor-car. Rotten judging it was on the part ofBelknap-Jackson. He should have listened to me. They departed afterluncheon, the host at the wheel. I had his account of such followingevents as I did not myself observe. 

"Our country club, " he observed early in the drive. "No one there, ofcourse. You'd never believe the trouble I've had----"

"Jolly good club, " replied his lordship. "Drive back that way. "

"Back that way, " it appeared, would take them by the detached villa ofthe Klondike person. 

"Stop here, " directed his lordship. "Shan't detain you a moment. "

This was at two-thirty of a fair afternoon. I am able to give but thebare facts, yet I must assume that the emotions of Belknap-Jackson ashe waited there during the ensuing two hours were of a quitedistressing nature. As much was intimated by several observanttownspeople who passed him. He was said to be distrait; to be smokinghis cigarettes furiously. 

At four-thirty his lordship reappeared. With apparent solicitude heescorted the Klondike person, fetchingly gowned in a street costume ofthe latest mode. They chatted gayly to the car. 

"Hope I've not kept you waiting, old chap, " said his lordshipgenially. "Time slips by one so. You two met, of course, course!" Hebestowed his companion in the tonneau and ensconced himself besideher. 

"Drive, " said he, "to your goods shops, draper's, chemist's--where wasit?"

"To the Central Market, " responded the lady in bell-like tones, "thento the Red Front store, and to that dear little Japanese shop, if hedoesn't mind. "

"Mind! Mind! Course not, course not! Are you warm? Let me fasten therobe. "

I confess to have felt a horrid fascination for this moment as I wasable to reconstruct it from Belknap-Jackson's impassioned words. Itwas by way of being one of those scenes we properly loathe yetmorbidly cannot resist overlooking if opportunity offers. 

Into the flood tide of our Saturday shopping throng swept the car andits remarkably assembled occupants. The street fair gasped. Thewoman's former parade of the Honourable George had been as nothing tothis exposure. 

"Poor Jackson's face was a study, " declared the Mixer to me later. 

I dare say. It was still a study when my own turn came to observe it. The car halted before the shops that had been designated. The Klondikeperson dispatched her commissions in a superbly leisured manner, attentively accompanied by the Earl of Brinstead bearing packages forher. 

Belknap-Jackson, at the wheel, stared straight ahead. I am told hebore himself with dignity even when some of our more ingenuouscitizens paused to converse with him concerning his new motor-car. Heis even said to have managed a smile when his passengers returned. 

"I have it, " exclaimed his lordship now. "Deuced good plan--go to thatRuggles place for a jolly fat tea. No end of a spree, what, what!"

It is said that on three occasions in turning his car and traversingthe short block to the Grill the owner escaped disastrous collisionwith other vehicles only by the narrowest possible margin. He may havecourted something of the sort. I dare say he was desperate. 

"Join us, of course!" said his lordship, as he assisted his companionto alight. Again I am told the host managed to illumine his refusalwith a smile. He would take no tea--the doctor's orders. 

The surprising pair entered at the height of my tea-hour and wereserved to an accompaniment of stares from the ladies present. To thisthey appeared oblivious, being intent upon their conference. Hislordship was amiable to a degree. It now occurred to me that he hadfound the woman even more dangerous than he had at first supposed. Hewas being forced to play a deep game with her and was meeting guilewith guile. He had, I suspected, found his poor brother far deeper inthan any of us had thought. Doubtless he had written compromisingletters that must be secured--letters she would hold at a price. 

And yet I had never before had excuse to believe his lordshippossessed the diplomatic temperament. I reflected that I must alwayshave misread him. He was deep, after all. Not until the two left did Ilearn that Belknap-Jackson awaited them with his car. He loiteredabout in adjacent doorways, quite like a hired fellow. He waspassionately smoking more cigarettes than were good for him. 

I escorted my guests to the car. Belknap-Jackson took his seat withbut one glance at me, yet it was eloquent of all the ignominy that hadbeen heaped upon him. 

"Home, I think, " said the lady when they were well seated. She said itcharmingly. 

"Home, " repeated his lordship. "Are you quite protected by the robe?"

An incautious pedestrian at the next crossing narrowly escaped beingrun down. He shook a fist at the vanishing car and uttered a stream ofoaths so vile that he would instantly have been taken up in anywell-policed city. 

Half an hour later Belknap-Jackson called me. 

"He got out with that fiend! He's staying on there. But, my God! cannothing be done?"

"His lordship is playing a most desperate game, " I hastened to assurehim. "He's meeting difficulties. She must have her dupe's letters inher possession. Blackmail, I dare say. Best leave his lordship free. He's a deep character. "

"He presumed far this afternoon--only the man's position saved himwith me!" His voice seemed choked with anger. Then, remotely, faint asdistant cannonading, a rumble reached me. It was hoarse laughter ofthe Mixer, perhaps in another room. The electric telephone has beenperfected in the States to a marvellous delicacy of response. 

I now found myself observing Mrs. Effie, who had been among theabsorbed onlookers while the pair were at their tea, she havingoccupied a table with Mrs. Judge Ballard and Mrs. Dr. Martingale. Deeply immersed in thought she had been, scarce replying to hercompanions. Her eyes had narrowed in a way I well knew when shereviewed the social field. 

Still absorbed she was when Cousin Egbert entered, accompanied by theHonourable George. The latter had seen but little of his brother sincetheir first stormy interview, but he had also seen little of theKlondike woman. His spirits, however, had seemed quite undashed. Herarely missed his tea. Now as they seated themselves they were joinedquickly by Mrs. Effie, who engaged her relative in earnest converse. It was easy to see that she begged a favour. She kept a hand on hisarm. She urged. Presently, seeming to have achieved her purpose, sheleft them, and I paused to greet the pair. 

"I guess that there Mrs. Effie is awful silly, " remarked Cousin Egbertenigmatically. "No, sir; she can't ever tell how the cat is going tojump. " Nor would he say more, though he most elatedly held a secret. 

With this circumstance I connected the announcement in Monday's_Recorder_ that Mrs. Senator Floud would on that evening entertainat dinner the members of Red Gap's Bohemian set, including Mrs. KateKenner, the guest of honour being his lordship the Earl of Brinstead, "at present visiting in this city. Covers, " it added, "would be laidfor fourteen. " I saw that Cousin Egbert would have been made theambassador to conduct what must have been a business of some delicacy. 

Among the members of the North Side set the report occasioned thewildest alarm. And yet so staunch were known to be the principles ofMrs. Effie that but few accused her of downright treachery. It seemedto be felt that she was but lending herself to the furtherance of somedeep design of his lordship's. Blackmail, the recovery of compromisingletters, the avoidance of legal proceedings--these were hinted at. Formyself I suspected that she had merely misconstrued the seemingcordiality of his lordship toward the woman and, at the expense of theBelknap-Jacksons, had sought the honour of entertaining him. If, to dothat, she must entertain the woman, well and good. She was not one tofunk her fences with the game in sight. 

Consulting me as to the menu for her dinner, she allowed herself to bepersuaded to the vegetable soup, boiled mutton, thick pudding, andcheese which I recommended, though she pleaded at length for a chanceto use the new fish set and for a complicated salad portrayed in herlatest woman's magazine. Covered with grated nuts it was in theillustration. I was able, however, to convince her that his lordshipwould regard grated nuts as silly. 

From Belknap-Jackson I learned by telephone (during these days, beingsensitive, he stopped in almost quite continuously) that Mrs. Effiehad profusely explained to his wife about the dinner. "Of course, mydear, I couldn't have the presumption to ask you and your husband tosit at table with the creature, even if he did think it all right todrive her about town on a shopping trip. But I thought we ought to dosomething to make the dear Earl's visit one to be remembered--he's_so_ appreciative! I'm sure you understand just how thingsare----"

In reciting this speech to me Belknap-Jackson essayed to simulate thetone and excessive manner of a woman gushing falsely. The fellow wasquite bitter about it. 

"I sometimes think I'll give up, " he concluded. "God only knows whatthings are coming to!"

It began to seem even to me that they were coming a bit thick. But Iknew that his lordship was a determined man. He was of the bulldogbreed that has made old England what it is. I mean to say, I knew hewould put the woman in her place. 

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Echoes of the Monday night dinner reached me the following day. Theaffair had passed off pleasantly enough, the members of the Bohemianset conducting themselves quite as persons who mattered, with theexception of the Klondike woman herself, who, I gathered, haddescended to a mood of most indecorous liveliness considering who theguest of honour was. She had not only played and sung those noisynative folksongs of hers, but she had, it seemed, conducted herselfwith a certain facetious familiarity toward his lordship. 

"Every now and then, " said Cousin Egbert, my principal informant, "she'd whirl in and josh the Cap all over the place about them funnywhiskers he wears. She told him out and out he'd just got to losethem. "

"Shocking rudeness!" I exclaimed. 

"Oh, sure, sure!" he agreed, yet without indignation. "And the Capjust hated her for it--you could tell that by the way he looked ather. Oh, he hates her something terrible. He just can't bear the sightof her. "

"Naturally enough, " I observed, though there had been an undercurrentto his speech that I thought almost quite a little odd. His accentswere queerly placed. Had I not known him too well I should havethought him trying to be deep. I recalled his other phrases, that Mrs. Effie was seeing which way a cat would leap, and that the Klondikeperson would hand the ladies of the North Side set a lemon squash. Iput them all down as childish prattle and said as much to the Mixerlater in the day as she had a dish of tea at the Grill. 

"Yes, Sour-dough's right, " she observed. "That Earl just hates thesight of her--can't bear to look at her a minute. " But she, too, intoned the thing queerly. 

"He's putting pressure to bear on her, " I said. 

"Pressure!" said the Mixer; and then, "Hum!" very dryly. 

With this news, however, it was plain as a pillar-box that things weregoing badly with his lordship's effort to release the HonourableGeorge from his entanglement. The woman, doubtless with hiscompromising letters, would be holding out for a stiffish price; shewould think them worth no end. And plainly again, his lordship hadthrown off his mask; was unable longer to conceal his aversion forher. This, to be sure, was more in accordance with his character as Ihad long observed it. If he hated her it was like him to show it whenhe looked at her. I mean he was quite like that with almost any one. Ihoped, however, that diplomacy might still save us all sorts of anasty row. 

To my relief when the pair appeared for tea that afternoon--a sight nolonger causing the least sensation--I saw that his lordship must havereturned to his first or diplomatic manner. Doubtless he still hatedher, but one would little have suspected it from his manner of lookingat her. I mean to say, he looked at her another way. The opposite way, in fact. He was being subtle in the extreme. I fancied it must havebeen her wretched levity regarding his beard that had goaded him intothe exhibitions of hatred noted by Cousin Egbert and the Mixer. Unquestionably his lordship may be goaded in no time if onedeliberately sets about it. At the time, doubtless, he had sliced adrive or two, as one might say, but now he was back in form. 

Again I confess I was not a little sorry for the creature, seeing herthere so smartly taken in by his effusive manner. He was having her onin the most obvious way and she, poor dupe, taking it all quiteseriously. Prime it was, though, considering the creature's designs;and I again marvelled that in all the years of my association with hislordship I had never suspected what a topping sort he could be at thisgame. His mask was now perfect. It recalled, indeed, Cousin Egbert'ssimple but telling phrase about the Honourable George--"He looks ather!" It could now have been said of his lordship with the utmostsignificance to any but those in the know. 

And so began, quite as had the first, the second week of hislordship's stay among us. Knowing he had booked a return from Cooks, Ifancied that results of some sort must soon ensue. The pressure he wasputting on the woman must begin to tell. And this was the extreme ofthe encouragement I was able to offer the Belknap-Jacksons. Both heand his wife were of course in a bit of a state. Nor could I blamethem. With an Earl for house guest they must be content with but aglimpse of him at odd moments. Rather a barren honour they werefinding it. 

His lordship's conferences with the woman were unabated. When notsecluded with her at her own establishment he would be abroad with herin her trap or in the car of Belknap-Jackson. The owner, however, nolonger drove his car. He had never taken another chance. And well Iknew these activities of his lordship's were being basely misconstruedby the gossips. 

"The Cap is certainly some queener, " remarked Cousin Egbert, whichperhaps reflected the view of the deceived public at this time, thecurious term implying that his lordship was by way of being a bit of adog. But calm I remained under these aspersions, counting upon aclean-cut vindication of his lordship's methods when he should havegot the woman where he wished her. 

I remained, I repeat, serenely confident that a signal triumph wouldpresently crown his lordship's subtly planned attack. And then, atmidweek, I was rudely shocked to the suspicion that all might not begoing well with his plan. I had not seen the pair for a day, and whenthey did appear for their tea I instantly detected a profound changein their mutual bearing. His lordship still looked at the woman, butthe raillery of their past meetings had gone. Too plainly somethingmomentous had occurred. Even the woman was serious. Had they fought tothe last stand? Would she have been too much for him? I mean to say, was the Honourable George cooked?

I now recalled that I had observed an almost similar change in thelatter's manner. His face wore a look of wildest gloom that might havebeen mitigated perhaps by a proper trimming of his beard, but eventhen it would have been remarked by those who knew him well. Idivined, I repeat, that something momentous had now occurred and thatthe Honourable George was one not least affected by it. 

Rather a sleepless night I passed, wondering fearfully if, after all, his lordship would have been unable to extricate the poor chap fromthis sordid entanglement. Had the creature held out for too much? Hadshe refused to compromise? Would there be one of those appalling legalthings which our best families so often suffer? What if the victimwere to cut off home?

Nor was my trepidation allayed by the cryptic remark of Mrs. Judson asI passed her at her tasks in the pantry that morning:

"A prince in his palace not too good--that's what I said!"

She shot the thing at me with a manner suspiciously near to flippancy. I sternly demanded her meaning. 

"I mean what I mean, " she retorted, shutting her lips upon it in adefinite way she has. Well enough I knew the import of her uncivilspeech, but I resolved not to bandy words with her, because in myposition it would be undignified; because, further, of an unfortunateeffect she has upon my temper at such times. 

"She's being terrible careful about _her_ associates, " shepresently went on, with a most irritating effect of addressing onlyherself; "nothing at all but just dukes and earls and lords day in andday out!" Too often when the woman seems to wish it she contrives toget me in motion, as the American saying is. 

"And it is deeply to be regretted, " I replied with dignity, "thatother persons must say less of themselves if put to it. "

Well she knew what I meant. Despite my previous clear warning, she hadmore than once accepted small gifts from the cattle-persons, Hank andBuck, and had even been seen brazenly in public with them at a cinemapalace. One of a more suspicious nature than I might have guessed thatshe conducted herself thus for the specific purpose of enraging me, but I am glad to say that no nature could be more free than mine fromvulgar jealousy, and I spoke now from the mere wish that she shouldmore carefully guard her reputation. As before, she exhibited asurprising meekness under this rebuke, though I uneasily wondered ifthere might not be guile beneath it. 

"Can I help it, " she asked, "if they like to show me attentions? Iguess I'm a free woman. " She lifted her head to observe a glass shehad polished. Her eyes were curiously lighted. She had this way ofembarrassing me. And invariably, moreover, she aroused all that isevil in my nature against the two cattle-persons, especially the Buckone, actually on another occasion professing admiration for "his wavychestnut hair!" I saw now that I could not trust myself to speak ofthe fellow. I took up another matter. 

"That baby of yours is too horribly fat, " I said suddenly. I had longmeant to put this to her. "It's too fat. It eats too much!"

To my amazement the creature was transformed into a vixen. 

"It--it! Too fat! You call my boy 'it' and say he's too fat! Don't youdare! What does a creature like you know of babies? Why, you wouldn'teven know----"

But the thing was too painful. Let her angry words be forgotten. Suffice to say, she permitted herself to cry out things that mighthave given grave offence to one less certain of himself than I. Ratherchilled I admit I was by her frenzied outburst. I was shrewd enough tosee instantly that anything in the nature of a criticism of heroffspring must be led up to, rather; perhaps couched in less directphrases than I had chosen. Fearful I was that she would burst intoanother torrent of rage, but to my amazement she all at once smiled. 

"What a fool I am!" she exclaimed. "Kidding me, were you? Trying tomake me mad about the baby. Well, I'll give you good. You did it. Yes, sir, I never would have thought you had a kidding streak in you--oldglum-face!"

"Little you know me, " I retorted, and quickly withdrew, for I was thenmore embarrassed than ever, and, besides, there were other and gravermatters forward to depress and occupy me. 

In my fitful sleep of the night before I had dreamed vividly that Isaw the Honourable George being dragged shackled to the altar. I trustI am not superstitious, but the vision had remained with me in all itstormenting detail. A veiled woman had grimly awaited him as hestruggled with his uniformed captors. I mean to say, he was beinghustled along by two constables. 

That day, let me now put down, was to be a day of the most fearfulshocks that a man of rather sensitive nervous organism has ever beencalled upon to endure. There are now lines in my face that I make nodoubt showed then for the first time. 

And it was a day that dragged interminably, so that I became fair offmy head with the suspense of it, feeling that at any moment the worstmight happen. For hours I saw no one with whom I could consult. Once Iwas almost moved to call up Belknap-Jackson, so intolerable was themenacing uncertainty; but this I knew bordered on hysteria, and Irestrained the impulse with an iron will. 

But I wretchedly longed for a sight of Cousin Egbert or the Mixer, oreven of the Honourable George; some one to assure me that my horriddream of the night before had been a baseless fabric, as the sayingis. The very absence of these people and of his lordship was in itselfominous. 

Nervously I kept to a post at one of my windows where I could surveythe street. And here at mid-day I sustained my first shock. Terrificit was. His lordship had emerged from the chemist's across the street. He paused a moment, as if to recall his next mission, then walkedbriskly off. And this is what I had been stupefied to note: he wasclean shaven! The Brinstead side-whiskers were gone! Whiskers that hadbeen worn in precisely that fashion by a tremendous line of the Earlsof Brinstead! And the tenth of his line had abandoned them. As well, Ithought, could he have defaced the Brinstead arms. 

It was plain as a pillar-box, indeed. The woman had our family at hermercy, and she would show no mercy. My heart sank as I pictured theHonourable George in her toils. My dream had been prophetic. Then Ireflected that this very circumstance of his lordship's havingpandered to her lawless whim about his beard would go to show he hadnot yet given up the fight. If the thing were hopeless I knew he wouldhave seen her--dashed--before he would have relinquished it. Thereplainly was still hope for poor George. Indeed his lordship might wellhave planned some splendid coup; this defacement would be a part ofhis strategy, suffered in anguish for his ultimate triumph. Quitecheered I became at the thought. I still scanned the street crowd forsome one who could acquaint me with developments I must have missed. 

But then a moment later came the call by telephone of Belknap-Jackson. I answered it, though with little hope than to hear more of hisunending complaints about his lordship's negligence. Startledinstantly I was, however, for his voice was stranger than I had knownit even in moments of his acutest distress. Hoarse it was, and hiswords alarming but hardly intelligible. 

"Heard?--My God!--Heard?--My God!--Marriage! Marriage! God!" But herehe broke off into the most appalling laughter--the blood-curdlinglaughter of a chained patient in a mad-house. Hardly could I endure itand grateful I was when I heard the line close. Even when he attemptedvocables he had sounded quite like an inferior record on aphonographic machine. But I had heard enough to leave me aghast. Beyond doubt now the very worst had come upon our family. Hislordship's tremendous sacrifice would have been all in vain. Marriage!The Honourable George was done for. Better had it been thetyping-girl, I bitterly reflected. Her father had at least been acurate!

Thankful enough I now was for the luncheon-hour rush: I could distractmyself from the appalling disaster. That day I took rather more thanmy accustomed charge of the serving. I chatted with our businesschaps, recommending the joint in the highest terms; drawing corks;seeing that the relish was abundantly stocked at every table. I wasstriving to forget. 

Mrs. Judson alone persisted in reminding me of the impending scandal. "A prince in his palace, " she would maliciously murmur as Iencountered her. I think she must have observed that I was bitter, forshe at last spoke quite amiably of our morning's dust-up. 

"You certainly got my goat, " she said in the quaint American fashion, "telling me little No-no was too fat. You had me going there for aminute, thinking you meant it!"

The creature's name was Albert, yet she persisted in calling it"No-no, " because the child itself would thus falsely declare its nameupon being questioned, having in some strange manner gained thisimpression. It was another matter I meant to bring to her attention, but at this crisis I had no heart for it. 

My crowd left. I was again alone to muse bitterly upon our plight. Still I scanned the street, hoping for a sight of Cousin Egbert, who, I fancied, would be informed as to the wretched details. Instead, now, I saw the Honourable George. He walked on the opposite side of thethoroughfare, his manner of dejection precisely what I should haveexpected. Followed closely as usual he was by the Judson cur. A spiritof desperate mockery seized me. I called to Mrs. Judson, who wasgathering glasses from a table. I indicated the pair. 

"Mr. Barker, " I said, "is dogging his footsteps. " I mean to say, Iuttered the words in the most solemn manner. Little the woman knewthat one may often be moved in the most distressing moments to a jestof this sort. She laughed heartily, being of quick discernment. Andthus jauntily did I carry my knowledge of the lowering cloud. But Ipermitted myself no further sallies of that sort. I stayed expectantlyby the window, and I dare say my bearing would have deceived the mostalert. I was steadily calm. The situation called precisely for that. 

The hours sped darkly and my fears mounted. In sheer desperation, atlength, I had myself put through to Belknap-Jackson. To myastonishment he seemed quite revived, though in a state of feverishgayety. He fair bubbled. 

"Just leaving this moment with his lordship to gather up some friends. We meet at your place. Yes, yes--all the uncertainty is past. Betterset up that largest table--rather a celebration. "

Almost more confusing it was than his former message, which had beenconfined to calls upon his Maker and to maniac laughter. Was he, Iwondered, merely making the best of it? Had he resolved to be a deadsportsman? A few moments later he discharged his lordship at my doorand drove rapidly on. (Only a question of time it is when he will behad heavily for damages due to his reckless driving. )

His lordship bustled in with a cheerfulness that staggered me. He, too, was gay; almost debonair. A gardenia was in his lapel. He wasvogue to the last detail in a form-fitting gray morning-suit that hadall the style essentials. Almost it seemed as if three valets had beenneeded to groom him. He briskly rubbed his hands. 

"Biggest table--people. Tea, that sort of thing. Have a go ofchampagne, too, what, what! Beard off, much younger appearing? Ofcourse, course! Trust women, those matters. Tea cake, toast, crumpets, marmalade--things like that. Plenty champagne! Not happen every day!Ha! ha!"

To my acute distress he here thumbed me in the ribs and laughed again. Was he, too, I wondered, madly resolved to be a dead sportsman in theface of the unavoidable? I sought to edge in a discreet word ofcondolence, for I knew that between us there need be no pretence. 

"I know you did your best, sir, " I observed. "And I was never quitefree of a fear that the woman would prove too many for us. I trust theHonourable George----"

But I had said as much as he would let me. He interrupted me with histhumb again, and on his face was what in a lesser person I shouldunhesitatingly have called a leer. 

"You dog, you! Woman prove too many for us, what, what! Dare say youknew what to expect. Silly old George! Though how she could ever havefancied the juggins----"

I was about to remark that the creature had of course played her gamefrom entirely sordid motives and I should doubtless have ventured toapplaud the game spirit in which he was taking the blow. But before Icould shape my phrases on this delicate ground Mrs. Effie, theSenator, and Cousin Egbert arrived. They somewhat formally had the airof being expected. All of them rushed upon his lordship with anexcessive manner. Apparently they were all to be dead sportsmentogether. And then Mrs. Effie called me aside. 

"You can do me a favour, " she began. "About the wedding breakfast andreception. Dear Kate's place is so small. It wouldn't do. There willbe a crush, of course. I've had the loveliest idea for it--our ownhouse. You know how delighted we'd be. The Earl has been so charmingand everything has turned out so splendidly. Oh, I'd love to do themthis little parting kindness. Use your influence like a good fellow, won't you, when the thing is suggested?"

"Only too gladly, " I responded, sick at heart, and she returned to thegroup. Well I knew her motive. She was by way of getting even with theBelknap-Jacksons. As Cousin Egbert in his American fashion would putit, she was trying to pass them a bison. But I was willing enough sheshould house the dreadful affair. The more private the better, thoughtI. 

A moment later Belknap-Jackson's car appeared at my door, nowdischarging the Klondike woman, effusively escorted by the Mixer andby Mrs. Belknap-Jackson. The latter at least, I had thought, wouldshow more principle. But she had buckled atrociously, quite as had herhusband, who had quickly, almost merrily, followed them. There wasincreased gayety as they seated themselves about the large table, asilly noise of pretended felicitation over a calamity that not eventhe tenth Earl of Brinstead had been able to avert. And thenBelknap-Jackson beckoned me aside. 

"I want your help, old chap, in case it's needed, " he began. 

"The wedding breakfast and reception?" I said quite cynically. 

"You've thought of it? Good! Her own place is far too small. Crowd, ofcourse. And it's rather proper at our place, too, his lordship havingbeen our house guest. You see? Use what influence you have. The affairwill be rather widely commented on--even the New York papers, I daresay. "

"Count upon me, " I answered blandly, even as I had promised Mrs. Effie. Disgusted I was. Let them maul each other about over thewretched "honour. " They could all be dead sports if they chose, but Iwas now firmly resolved that for myself I should make not a bit ofpretence. The creature might trick poor George into a marriage, but Ifor one would not affect to regard it as other than a blight upon ourhouse. I was just on the point of hoping that the victim himself mighthave cut off to unknown parts when I saw him enter. By the othermembers of the party he was hailed with cries of delight, though hisown air was finely honest, being dejected in the extreme. He wasdressed as regrettably as usual, this time in parts of twolounge-suits. 

As he joined those at the table I constrained myself to serve thechampagne. Senator Floud arose with a brimming glass. 

"My friends, " he began in his public-speaking manner, "let us rememberthat Red Gap's loss is England's gain--to the future Countess ofBrinstead!"

To my astonishment this appalling breach of good taste was receivedwith the loudest applause, nor was his lordship the least clamorous ofthem. I mean to say, the chap had as good as wished that his lordshipwould directly pop off. It was beyond me. I walked to the farthestwindow and stood a long time gazing pensively out; I wished to be awayfrom that false show. But they noticed my absence at length and calledto me. Monstrously I was desired to drink to the happiness of thegroom. I thought they were pressing me too far, but as they quitegabbled now with their tea and things, I hoped to pass it off. TheSenator, however, seemed to fasten me with his eye as he proposed thetoast--"To the happy man!"

I drank perforce. 

"A body would think Bill was drinking to the Judge, " remarked CousinEgbert in a high voice. 

"Eh?" I said, startled to this outburst by his strange words. 

"Good old George!" exclaimed his lordship. "Owe it all to the oldjuggins, what, what!"

The Klondike person spoke. I heard her voice as a bell pealing throughbreakers at sea. I mean to say, I was now fair dazed. 

"Not to old George, " said she. "To old Ruggles!"

"To old Ruggles!" promptly cried the Senator, and they drank. 

Muddled indeed I was. Again in my eventful career I felt myselftremble; I knew not what I should say, any _savoir faire_ beingquite gone. I had received a crumpler of some sort--but what_sort?_

My sleeve was touched. I turned blindly, as in a nightmare. The Hobbscub who was my vestiare was handing me our evening paper. I took itfrom him, staring--staring until my knees grew weak. Across the pagein clarion type rang the unbelievable words:

 BRITISH PEER WINS AMERICAN BRIDE

 His Lordship Tenth Earl of Brinstead to Wed One of Red Gap's Fairest Daughters

My hands so shook that in quick subterfuge I dropped the sheet, thenstooped for it, trusting to control myself before I again raised myface. Mercifully the others were diverted by the journal. It wasseized from me, passed from hand to hand, the incredible words readaloud by each in turn. They jested of it!

"Amazing chaps, your pressmen!" Thus the tenth Earl of Brinstead, while I pinched myself viciously to bring back my lost aplomb. "Speedybeggars, what, what! Never knew it myself till last night. She wouldand she wouldn't. "

"I think you knew, " said the lady. Stricken as I was I noted that sheeyed him rather strangely, quite as if she felt some decent respectfor him. 

"Marriage is serious, " boomed the Mixer. 

"Don't blame her, don't blame her--swear I don't!" returned hislordship. "Few days to think it over--quite right, quite right. Got toknow their own minds, my word!"

While their attention was thus mercifully diverted from me, my ownworld by painful degrees resumed its stability. I mean to say, I amnot the fainting sort, but if I were, then I should have keeled overat my first sight of that journal. But now I merely recovered my glassof champagne and drained it. Rather pigged it a bit, I fancy. Badlyneeding a stimulant I was, to be sure. 

They now discussed details: the ceremony--that sort of thing. 

"Before a registrar, quickest way, " said his lordship. 

"Nonsense! Church, of course!" rumbled the Mixer very arbitrarily. 

"Quite so, then, " assented his lordship. "Get me the rector of theparish--a vicar, a curate, something of that sort. "

"Then the breakfast and reception, " suggested Mrs. Effie with ameaning glance at me before she turned to the lady. "Of course, dearest, your own tiny nest would never hold your host of friends----"

"I've never noticed, " said the other quickly. "It's always seemed bigenough, " she added in pensive tones and with downcast eyes. 

"Oh, not large enough by half, " put in Belknap-Jackson, "Most charminglittle home-nook but worlds too small for all your well-wishers. " Witha glance at me he narrowed his eyes in friendly calculation. "I'msomewhat puzzled myself--Suppose we see what the capable Ruggles hasto suggest. "

"Let Ruggles suggest something by all means!" cried Mrs. Effie. 

I mean to say, they both quite thought they knew what I would suggest, but it was nothing of the sort. The situation had entirely changed. Quite another sort of thing it was. Quickly I resolved to fling themboth aside. I, too, would be a dead sportsman. 

"I was about to suggest, " I remarked, "that my place here is the onlyone at all suitable for the breakfast and reception. I can promisethat the affair will go off smartly. "

The two had looked up with such radiant expectation at my openingwords and were so plainly in a state at my conclusion that I dare saythe future Countess of Brinstead at once knew what. She flashed them alook, then eyed me with quick understanding. 

"Great!" she exclaimed in a hearty American manner. "Then that'ssettled, " she continued briskly, as both Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie would have interposed "Ruggles shall do everything: take it offour shoulders--ices, flowers, invitations. "

"The invitation list will need great care, of course, " remarkedBelknap-Jackson with a quite savage glance at me. 

"But you just called him 'the capable Ruggles, '" insisted the fiancée. "We shall leave it all to him. How many will you ask, Ruggles?" Hereyes flicked from mine to Belknap-Jackson. 

"Quite almost every one, " I answered firmly. 

"Fine!" she said. 

"Ripping!" said his lordship. 

"His lordship will of course wish a best man, " suggestedBelknap-Jackson. "I should be only too glad----"

"You're going to suggest Ruggles again!" cried the lady. "Just the manfor it! You're quite right. Why, we owe it all to Ruggles, don't we?"

She here beamed upon his lordship. Belknap-Jackson wore an expressionof the keenest disrelish. 

"Of course, course!" replied his lordship. "Dashed good man, Ruggles!Owe it all to him, what, what!"

I fancy in the cordial excitement of the moment he was quite sincere. As to her ladyship, I am to this day unable to still a faint suspicionthat she was having me on. True, she owed it all to me. But I hadn't abit meant it and well she knew it. Subtle she was, I dare say, butbore me no malice, though she was not above setting Belknap-Jacksonback a pace or two each time he moved up. 

A final toast was drunk and my guests drifted out. Belknap-Jacksonagain glared savagely at me as he went, but Mrs. Effie ratheroutglared him. Even I should hardly have cared to face her at thatmoment. 

And I was still in a high state of muddle. It was all beyond me. Hadhis lordship, I wondered, too seriously taken my careless words aboutAmerican equality? Of course I had meant them to apply only to thosestopping on in the States. 

Cousin Egbert lingered to the last, rather with a troubled air ofwishing to consult me. When I at length came up with him he held thejournal before me, indicating lines in the article--"relict of anAlaskan capitalist, now for some years one of Red Gap's socialfavourites. "

"Read that there, " he commanded grimly. Then with a terrificearnestness I had never before remarked in him: "Say, listen here! Ibetter go round right off and mix it up with that fresh guy. What's hehinting around at by that there word 'relict'? Why, say, she wasmarried to him----"

I hastily corrected his preposterous interpretation of the word, muchto his relief. 

I was still in my precious state of muddle. Mrs. Judson took occasionto flounce by me in her work of clearing the table. 

"A prince in his palace, " she taunted. I laughed in a lofty manner. 

"Why, you poor thing, I've known it all for some days, " I said. 

"Well, I must say you're the deep one if you did--never letting on!"

She was unable to repress a glance of admiration at me as she movedoff. 

I stood where she had left me, meditating profoundly. 

CHAPTER TWENTY

Two days later at high noon was solemnized the marriage of hislordship to the woman who, without a bit meaning it, I had socuriously caused to enter his life. The day was for myself so crowdedwith emotions that it returns in rather a jumble: patches ofincidents, little floating clouds of memory; some meaningless and oneat least to be significant to my last day. 

The ceremony was had in our most nearly smart church. It was only aMethodist church, but I took pains to assure myself that a ceremonyperformed by its curate would be legal. I still seem to hear theorgan, strains of "The Voice That Breathed Through Eden, " as we nearedthe altar; also the Mixer's rumbling whisper about a lost handkerchiefwhich she apparently found herself needing at that moment. 

The responses of bride and groom were unhesitating, even firm. Herladyship, I thought, had never appeared to better advantage than inthe pearl-tinted lustreless going-away gown she had chosen. As always, she had finely known what to put on her head. 

Senator Floud, despite Belknap-Jackson's suggestion of himself for theoffice, had been selected to give away the bride, as the saying is. Heperformed his function with dignity, though I recall being seized withhorror when the moment came; almost certain I am he restrained himselfwith difficulty from making a sort of a speech. 

The church was thronged. I had seen to that. I had told her ladyshipthat I should ask quite almost every one, and this I had done, squarely in the face of Belknap-Jackson's pleading that discretion beused. For a great white light, as one might say, had now suffused me. I had seen that the moment was come when the warring factions of RedGap should be reunited. A Bismarck I felt myself, indeed. That I actedably was later to be seen. 

Even for the wedding breakfast, which occurred directly after theceremony, I had shown myself a dictator in the matter of guests. Covers were laid in my room for seventy and among these were includednot only the members of the North Side set and the entire Bohemianset, but many worthy persons not hitherto socially existent yet whohad been friends or well-wishers of the bride. 

I am persuaded to confess that in a few of these instances I was notabove a snarky little wish to correct the social horizon ofBelknap-Jackson; to make it more broadly accord, as I may say, withthe spirit of American equality for which their forefathers bled anddied on the battlefields of Boston, New York, and Vicksburg. 

Not the least of my reward, then, was to see his eyebrows more thanonce eloquently raise, as when the cattle-persons, Hank and Buck, appeared in suits of decent black, or when the driver chap Pierceentered with his quite obscure mother on his arm, or a few othercattle and horse persons with whom the Honourable George had palled upduring his process of going in for America. 

This laxity I felt that the Earl of Brinstead and his bride couldamply afford, while for myself I had soundly determined that Red Gapshould henceforth be without "sets. " I mean to say, having franklytaken up America, I was at last resolved to do it whole-heartedly. IfI could not take up the whole of it, I would not take up a part. Quiteinstinctively I had chosen the slogan of our Chamber of Commerce:"Don't Knock--Boost; and Boost Altogether. " Rudely worded though itis, I had seen it to be sound in spirit. 

These thoughts ran in my mind during the smart repast that nowfollowed. Insidiously I wrought among the guests to amalgamate intoone friendly whole certain elements that had hitherto been hostile. The Bohemian set was not segregated. Almost my first inspiration hadbeen to scatter its members widely among the conservative pillars ofthe North Side set. Left in one group, I had known they would plumethemselves quite intolerably over the signal triumph of their leader;perhaps, in the American speech, "start something. " Widely scattered, they became mere parts of the whole I was seeking to achieve. 

The banquet progressed gayly to its finish. Toasts were drunk no end, all of them proposed by Senator Floud who, toward the last, keptalmost constantly on his feet. From the bride and groom he expandedgeographically through Red Gap, the Kulanche Valley, the State ofWashington, and the United States to the British Empire, not omittingthe Honourable George--who, I noticed, called for the relish andconsumed quite almost an entire bottle during the meal. Also I wasproposed--"through whose lifelong friendship for the illustrious groomthis meeting of hearts and hands has been so happily brought about. "

Her ladyship's eyes rested briefly upon mine as her lips touched theglass to this. They conveyed the unspeakable. Rather a fool I felt, and unable to look away until she released me. She had been wondrouslyquiet through it all. Not dazed in the least, as might have beenlooked for in one of her lowly station thus prodigiously elevated; andnot feverishly gay, as might also have been anticipated. Simple andquiet she was, showing a complete but perfectly controlled awarenessof her position. 

For the first time then, I think, I did envision her as the Countessof Brinstead. She was going to carry it off. Perhaps quite as well aseven I could have wished his lordship's chosen mate to do. I observedher look at his lordship with those strange lights in her eyes, as ifonly half realizing yet wholly believing all that he believed. Andonce at the height of the gayety I saw her reach out to touch hissleeve, furtively, swiftly, and so gently he never knew. 

It occurred to me there were things about the woman we had taken toolittle trouble to know. I wondered what old memories might be comingto her now; what staring faces might obtrude, what old, far-off, perhaps hated, voices might be sounding to her; what of rememberedhurts and heartaches might newly echo back to make her flinch andwonder if she dreamed. She touched the sleeve again, as it might havebeen in protection from them, her eyes narrowed, her gaze fixed. Itqueerly occurred to me that his lordship might find her as difficultto know as we had--and yet would keep always trying more than we had, to be sure. I mean to say, she was no gabbler. 

The responses to the Senator's toasts increased in volume. His finalflight, I recall, involved terms like "our blood-cousins of theBritish Isles, " and introduced a figure of speech about "hands acrossthe sea, " which I thought striking, indeed. The applause aroused bythis was noisy in the extreme, a number of the cattle and horsepersons, including the redskin Tuttle, emitting a shrill, concerted"yipping" which, though it would never have done with us, seemedsomehow not out of place in North America, although I observedBelknap-Jackson to make gestures of extreme repugnance while itlasted. 

There ensued a rather flurried wishing of happiness to the pair. Anovel sight it was, the most austere matrons of the North Side setvying for places in the line that led past them. I found myself tryingto analyze the inner emotions of some of them I best knew as theyfondly greeted the now radiant Countess of Brinstead. But that waymadness lay, as Shakespeare has so aptly said of another matter. Irecalled, though, the low-toned comment of Cousin Egbert, who stoodnear me. 

"Don't them dames stand the gaff noble!" It was quite true. They wereheroic. I recalled then his other quaint prophecy that her ladyshipwould hand them a bottle of lemonade. As is curiously usual with thissimple soul, he had gone to the heart of the matter. 

The throng dwindled to the more intimate friends. Among those wholingered were the Belknap-Jacksons and Mrs. Effie. Quite solicitousthey were for the "dear Countess, " as they rather defiantly called herto one another. Belknap-Jackson casually mentioned in my hearing thathe had been asked to Chaynes-Wotten for the shooting. Mrs. Effie, whoalso heard, swiftly remarked that she would doubtless run over in thespring--the dear Earl was so insistent. They rather glared at eachother. But in truth his lordship had insisted that quite almost everyone should come and stop on with him. 

"Of course, course, what, what! Jolly party, no end of fun. Week-end, that sort of thing. Know she'll like her old friends best. Wouldn't bekeen for the creature if she'd not. Have 'em all, have 'em all. Capital, by Jove!"

To be sure it was a manner of speaking, born of the expansive goodfeeling of the moment. Yet I believe Cousin Egbert was the onlyinvited one to decline. He did so with evident distress at having torefuse. 

"I like your little woman a whole lot, " he observed to his lordship, "but Europe is too kind of uncomfortable for me; keeps me upset allthe time, what with all the foreigners and one thing and another. But, listen here, Cap! You pack the little woman back once in a while. Justto give us a flash at her. We'll give you both a good time. "

"What ho!" returned his lordship. "Of course, course! Fancy we'd likeit vastly, what, what!"

"Yes, sir, I fancy you would, too, " and rather startlingly CousinEgbert seized her ladyship and kissed her heartily. Whereupon herladyship kissed the fellow in return. 

"Yes, sir, I dare say I fancy you would, " he called back a bitnervously as he left. 

Belknap-Jackson drove the party to the station, feeling, I am sure, that he scored over Mrs. Effie, though he was obliged to include theMixer, from whom her ladyship bluntly refused to be separated. Iinferred that she must have found the time and seclusion in which toweep a bit on the Mixer's shoulder. The waist of the latter's purplesatin gown was quite spotty at the height of her ladyship's eyes. 

Belknap-Jackson on this occasion drove his car with the greatestsolicitude, proceeding more slowly than I had ever known him do. As Iattended to certain luggage details at the station he was regrettingto his lordship that they had not had a longer time at the countryclub the day it was exhibited. 

"Look a bit after silly old George, " said his lordship to me atparting. "Chap's dotty, I dare say. Talking about a plantation ofapple trees now. For his old age--that sort of thing. Be something newin a fortnight, though. Like him, of course, course!"

Her ladyship closed upon my hand with a remarkable vigour of grip. 

"We owe it all to you, " she said, again with dancing eyes. Then hereyes steadied queerly. "Maybe you won't be sorry. "

"Know I shan't. " I fancy I rather growled it, stupidly feeling I wasnot rising to the occasion. "Knew his lordship wouldn't rest till hehad you where he wanted you. Glad he's got you. " And curiously I felta bit of a glad little squeeze in my throat for her. I groped forsomething light--something American. 

"You are some Countess, " I at last added in a silly way. 

"What, what!" said his lordship, but I had caught her eyes. Theybrimmed with understanding. 

With the going of that train all life seemed to go. I mean to say, things all at once became flat. I turned to the dull station. 

"Give you a lift, old chap, " said Belknap-Jackson. Again he wascordial. So firmly had I kept the reins of the whole affair in mygrasp, such prestige he knew it would give me, he dared not broach hisgrievance. 

Some half-remembered American phrase of Cousin Egbert's ran in mymind. I had put a buffalo on him!

"Thank you, " I said, "I'm needing a bit of a stretch and abreeze-out. "

I wished to walk that I might the better meditate. WithBelknap-Jackson one does not sufficiently meditate. 

A block up from the station I was struck by the sight of theHonourable George. Plodding solitary down that low street he was, heeled as usual by the Judson cur. He came to the Spilmer public houseand for a moment stared up, quite still, at the "Last Chance" on itschaffing signboard. Then he wheeled abruptly and entered. I was movedto follow him, but I knew it would never do. He would row me about theservice of the Grill--something of that sort. I dare say he hadfancied her ladyship as keenly as one of his volatile nature might. But I knew him!

Back on our street the festival atmosphere still lingered. Groups ofrecent guests paused to discuss the astounding event. The afternoonpaper was being scanned by many of them. An account of the wedding wasits "feature, " as they say. I had no heart for that, but on the secondpage my eye caught a minor item:

 "A special meeting of the Ladies Onwards and Upwards Club is called for to-morrow afternoon at two sharp at the residence of Mrs. Dr. Percy Hailey Martingale, for the transaction of important business. "

One could fancy, I thought, what the meeting would discuss. Nor was Iwrong, for I may here state that the evening paper of the followingday disclosed that her ladyship the Countess of Brinstead hadunanimously been elected to a life honorary membership in the club. 

Back in the Grill I found the work of clearing the tables welladvanced, and very soon its before-dinner aspect of calm waiting wasrestored. Surveying it I reflected that one might well wonder if aughtmomentous had indeed so lately occurred here. A motley day it hadbeen. 

I passed into the linen and glass pantry. 

Mrs. Judson, polishing my glassware, burst into tears at my approach, frankly stanching them with her towel. I saw it to be a mere overflowof the meaningless emotion that women stock so abundantly on theoccasion of a wedding. She is an almost intensely feminine person, ascan be seen at once by any one who understands women. In a goods boxin the passage beyond I noted her nipper fast asleep, a mammothbeef-rib clasped to its fat chest. I debated putting this abuse to heronce more but feared the moment was not propitious. She dried her eyesand smiled again. 

"A prince in his palace, " she murmured inanely. "She thought first hewas going to be as funny as the other one; then she found he wasn't. Iliked him, too. I didn't blame her a bit. He's one of that kind--hisbark's worse than his bite. And to think you knew all the time whatwas coming off. My, but you're the Mr. Deep-one!"

I saw no reason to stultify myself by denying this. I mean to say, ifshe thought it, let her!

"The last thing yesterday she gave me this dress. "

I had already noted the very becoming dull blue house gown she wore. Quite with an air she carried it. To be sure, it was not suitable toher duties. The excitements of the day, I suppose, had rendered me abit sterner than is my wont. Perhaps a little authoritative. 

"A handsome gown, " I replied icily, "but one would hardly choose itfor the work you are performing. "

"Rubbish!" she retorted plainly. "I wanted to look nice--I had to goin there lots of times. And I wanted to be dressed for to-night. "

"Why to-night, may I ask?" I was all at once uncomfortably curious. 

"Why, the boys are coming for me. They're going to take No-no home, then we're all going to the movies. They've got a new bill at theBijou, and Buck Edwards especially wants me to see it. One of thecowboys in it that does some star riding looks just like Buck--wavychestnut hair. Buck himself is one of the best riders in the wholeKulanche. "

The woman seemed to have some fiendish power to enrage me. As sheprattled thus, her eyes demurely on the glass she dried, I felt a deepflush mantle my brow. She could never have dreamed that she had thismalign power, but she was now at least to suspect it. 

"Your Mr. Edwards, " I began calmly enough, "may be like the cinemaactor: the two may be as like each other as makes no difference--butyou are not going. " I was aware that the latter phrase was heatedwhere I had merely meant it to be impressive. Dignified firmness hadbeen the line I intended, but my rage was mounting. She stared at me. Astonished beyond words she was, if I can read human expressions. 

"I am!" she snapped at last. 

"You are not!" I repeated, stepping a bit toward her. I was consciousof a bit of the rowdy in my manner, but I seemed powerless to preventit. All my culture was again but the flimsiest veneer. 

"I am, too!" she again said, though plainly dismayed. 

"No!" I quite thundered it, I dare say. "No, no! No, no!"

The nipper cried out from his box. Not until later did it occur to methat he had considered himself to be addressed in angry tones. 

"No, no!" I thundered again. I couldn't help myself, though silly rotI call it now. And then to my horror the mother herself began to weep. 

"I will!" she sobbed. "I will! I will! I will!"

"No, no!" I insisted, and I found myself seizing her shoulders, notknowing if I mightn't shake her smartly, so drawn-out had the womangot me; and still I kept shouting my senseless "No, no!" at which thenipper was now yelling. 

She struggled her best as I clutched her, but I seemed to have thestrength of a dozen men; the woman was nothing in my grasp, and myarms were taking their blind rage out on her. 

Secure I held her, and presently she no longer struggled, and I wascuriously no longer angry, but found myself soothing her in manystrange ways. I mean to say, the passage between us had fallen to beof the very shockingly most sentimental character. 

"You are so masterful!" she panted. 

"I'll have my own way, " I threatened; "I've told you often enough. "

"Oh, you're so domineering!" she murmured. I dare say I am a bit thatway. 

"I'll show you who's to be master!"

"But I never dreamed you meant this, " she answered. True, I had mostbrutally taken her by surprise. I could easily see how, expectingnothing of the faintest sort, she had been rudely shocked. 

"I meant it all along, " I said firmly, "from the very first moment. "And now again she spoke in almost awed tones of my "deepness. " I havenever believed in that excessive intuition which is so widely boastedfor woman. 

"I never dreamed of it, " she said again, and added: "Mrs. Kenner and Iwere talking about this dress only last night and I said--I never, never dreamed of such a thing!" She broke off with suddeninconsequence, as women will. 

We had now to quiet the nipper in his box. I saw even then that, domineering though I may be, I should probably never care to bring thechild's condition to her notice again. There was something abouther--something volcanic in her femininity. I knew it would never do. Better let the thing continue to be a monstrosity! I might, unnoticed, of course, snatch a bun from its grasp now and then. 

Our evening rush came and went quite as if nothing had happened. I mayhave been rather absent, reflecting pensively. I mean to say, I had attimes considered this alliance as a dawning possibility, but never hadI meant to be sudden. Only for the woman's remarkably stubbornobtuseness I dare say the understanding might have been deferred to amore suitable moment and arranged in a calm and orderly manner. Butthe die was cast. Like his lordship, I had chosen an Americanbride--taken her by storm and carried her off her feet before she knewit. We English are often that way. 

At ten o'clock we closed the Grill upon a day that had been historicin the truest sense of the word. I shouldered the sleeping nipper. Hestill passionately clutched the beef-rib and for some reason I feltaverse to depriving him of it, even though it would mean a spottytop-coat. 

Strangely enough, we talked but little in our walk. It seemed rathertoo tremendous to talk of. 

When I gave the child into her arms at the door it had become halfawake. 

"Ruggums!" it muttered sleepily. 

"Ruggums!" echoed the mother, and again, very softly in the stillnight: "Ruggums--Ruggums!"

 * * * * *

That in the few months since that rather agreeable night I haveacquired the title of Red Gap's social dictator cannot be denied. Morethan one person of discernment may now be heard to speak of my"reign, " though this, of course, is coming it a bit thick. 

The removal by his lordship of one who, despite her sterlingqualities, had been a source of discord, left the social elements ofthe town in a state of the wildest disorganization. And having formyself acquired a remarkable prestige from my intimate associationwith the affair, I promptly seized the reins and drew the scatteredforces together. 

First, at an early day I sought an interview with Belknap-Jackson andMrs. Effie and told them straight precisely why I had played them bothfalse in the matter of the wedding breakfast. With the honour grantedto either of them, I explained, I had foreseen another era of cliques, divisions, and acrimony. Therefore I had done the thing myself, as ameasure of peace. 

Flatly then I declared my intention of reconciling all those formerlyopposed elements and of creating a society in Red Gap that would be asocial union in the finest sense of the word. I said that contact withtheir curious American life had taught me that their equality shouldbe more than a name, and that, especially in the younger settlements, a certain relaxation from the rigid requirements of an older order isnot only unavoidable but vastly to be desired. I meant to say, if wewere going to be Americans it was silly rot trying to be English atthe same time. 

I pointed out that their former social leaders had ever been inspiredby the idea of exclusion; the soul of their leadership had been tocast others out; and that the campaign I planned was to be one ofinclusion--even to the extent of Bohemians and well-behavedcattle-persons---which I believed to be in the finest harmony withtheir North American theory of human association. It might be thoughta naïve theory, I said, but so long as they had chosen it I shouldstaunchly abide by it. 

I added what I dare say they did not believe: that the position ofleader was not one I should cherish for any other reason than thepublic good. That when one better fitted might appear they would findme the first to rejoice. 

I need not say that I was interrupted frequently and acridly duringthis harangue, but I had given them both a buffalo and well they knewit. And I worked swiftly from that moment. I gave the following weekthe first of a series of subscription balls in the dancing hall abovethe Grill, and both Mrs. Belknap-Jackson and Mrs. Effie early enrolledthemselves as patronesses, even after I had made it plain that I aloneshould name the guests. 

The success of the affair was all I could have wished. Red Gap hadbecome a social unit. Nor was appreciation for my leadership wanting. There will be malcontents, I foresee, and from the informed innercircles I learn that I have already been slightingly spoken of as aforeigner wielding a sceptre over native-born Americans, but I havethe support of quite all who really matter, and I am confident theserebellions may be put down by tact alone. It is too well understood bythose who know me that I have Equality for my watchword. 

I mean to say, at the next ball of the series I may even see that thefellow Hobbs has a card if I can become assured that he has quitefreed himself from certain debasing class-ideals of his nativecountry. This to be sure is an extreme case, because the fellow isthat type of our serving class to whom equality is unthinkable. Theymust, from their centuries of servility, look either up or down; and Iscarce know in which attitude they are more offensive to our Americanpoint of view. Still I mean to be broad. Even Hobbs shall have hischance with us!

 * * * * *

It is late June. Mrs. Ruggles and I are comfortably installed in herenlarged and repaired house. We have a fowl-run on a stretch of herfree-hold, and the kitchen-garden thrives under the care of theJapanese agricultural labourer I have employed. 

Already I have discharged more than half my debt to Cousin Egbert, whoexclaims, "Oh, shucks!" each time I make him a payment. He and theHonourable George remain pally no end and spend much of their abundantleisure at Cousin Egbert's modest country house. At times when theyare in town they rather consort with street persons, but such is thebreadth of our social scheme that I shall never exclude them from ourgayeties, though it is true that more often than not they decline tobe present. 

Mrs. Ruggles, I may say, is a lady of quite amazing capacitiescombined strangely with the commonest feminine weaknesses. She hasacute business judgment at most times, yet would fly at me in a rageif I were to say what I think of the nipper's appalling grossness. Quite naturally I do not push my unquestioned mastery to this extreme. There are other matters in which I amusedly let her have her way, though she fondly reminds me almost daily of my brutal self-will. 

On one point I have just been obliged to assert this. She came runningto me with a suggestion for economizing in the manufacture of therelish. She had devised a cheaper formula. But I was firm. 

"So long as the inventor's face is on that flask, " I said, "itscontents shall not be debased a tuppence. My name and face willguarantee its purity. "

She gave in nicely, merely declaring that I needn't growl like one oftheir bears with a painful foot. 

At my carefully mild suggestion she has just brought the nipper infrom where he was cattying the young fowls, much to their detriment. But she is now heaping compote upon a slice of thickly buttered breadfor him, glancing meanwhile at our evening newspaper. 

"Ruggums always has his awful own way, doesn't ums?" she remarks tothe nipper. 

Deeply ignoring this, I resume my elocutionary studies of theDeclaration of Independence. For I should say that a signal honour ofa municipal character has just been done me. A committee of theChamber of Commerce has invited me to participate in their exerciseson an early day in July--the fourth, I fancy--when they celebrate theissuance of this famous document. I have been asked to read it, preceding a patriotic address to be made by Senator Floud. 

I accepted with the utmost pleasure, and now on my vine-shelteredporch have begun trying it out for the proper voice effects. Itssubstance, I need not say, is already familiar to me. 

The nipper is horribly gulping at its food, jam smears quite all aboutits countenance. Mrs. Ruggles glances over her journal. 

"How would you like it, " she suddenly demands, "if I went around townlike these English women--burning churches and houses of Parliamentand cutting up fine oil paintings. How would that suit your grouchyhighness?"

"This is not England, " I answer shortly. "That sort of thing wouldnever do with us. "

"My, but isn't he the fierce old Ruggums!" she cries in affected alarmto the now half-suffocated nipper. 

Once more I take up the Declaration of Independence. It lends itselfrather well to reciting. I feel that my voice is going to carry. 

THE END