SAMANTHA

AMONG THE BRETHREN. 

By

"Josiah Allen's Wife"

(Marietta Holley)

Part 2

CHAPTER IV. 

Never knew a word about the threshin' machine a-comin' till about halfan hour before. Josiah Allen wuzn't to blame. It come just as onexpectedonto him as it did onto me. 

Solomon Gowdey wuz a-goin' to have 'em first, which would have left meample time to cook up for 'em. But he wuz took down bed sick, so theyhad to come right onto us with no warnin' previous and beforehand. 

They wuz a drivin' up just as Josiah got the stove-pipe up. They had togo right by the side of the house, right by the parlor winders, to getto the side of the barn where they wanted to thresh; and just as theywuz a-goin' by one of the horses got down, and of all the yellin' I everheard that was the cap sheaf. 

Steve Yerden is rough on his horses, dretful rough. He yells at 'emenough to raise the ruff. His threshin' machine is one of the kind wherethe horses walk up and look over the top. It is kinder skairful any way, and it made it as bad agin when you expected to see the horse fall outevery minute. 

Wall, that very horse fell out of the machine three times that day. Itwuz a sick horse, I believe, and hadn't ort to have been worked. Butthree times it fell, and each time the yellin' wuz such that it skairtthe author of "Peaceful Repose, " and me, almost to death. 

The machine wuz in plain sight of the house, and every time we see thehorse's head come a mountin' up on top of the machine, we expected thatover it would go. But though it didn't fall out only three times, as Isaid, it kep' us all nerved up and uneasy the hull of the time expectin'it. And Steve Yerden kep' a-yellin' at his horses all the time; therewuzn't no comfort to be took within a mile of him. 

I wuz awful sorry it happened so, on her account. 

[Illustration: "IT DIDN'T FALL OUT ONLY THREE TIMES. "]

Wall, I had to get dinner for nine men, and cook if all from the verybeginnin'. If you'll believe it, I had to begin back to bread. I hadn'tany bread in the house, but I had it a-risin', and I got two loaves outby dinner time. But I had to stir round lively, I can tell you, to makepies and cookies and fried cakes, and cook meat, and vegetables of allkinds. 

The author of "Wedlock's Peaceful Repose" came out into the kitchen. Itold her she might, if she wanted to, for I see I wuzn't goin' to have aminute's time to go into the parlor and visit with her. 

She looked pretty sober and thoughtful, and I didn't know as she likedit, to think I couldn't do as I promised to do, accordin' to agreement, to hear her lecture, and lift my hand up when I differed from her. 

But, good land! I couldn't help it. I couldn't get a minute's time tolift my hand up. I could have heard the lecture, but I couldn't spare myhands. 

And then Josiah would come a-rushin' in after one thing and another, actin' as was natural, accordin' to the nater of man, more like a wildman than a Christian Methodist. For he was so wrought up and excited byhavin' so much on his hands to do, and the onexpectedness of it, that hecouldn't help actin' jest as he did act. I don't believe he could. Andthen Steve Yerden is enough to distract a leather-man, any way. 

[Illustration: "TO FIND A PIECE OF OLD ROPE TO TIE UP THE HARNESS. "]

Twice I had to drop everything and find cloths to do up the horse'slegs, where it had grazed 'em a-fallin' out of the machine. And once Itook my hands out of the pie-crust to find a piece of old rope to tie upthe harness. It seemed as if I left off every five minutes to wait onJosiah Allen, to find somethin' that he wanted and couldn't find, orelse to do somethin' for him that he couldn't do. 

Truly, it was a wild and harrowin' time, and tegus. But I kept a firmholt of my principles, and didn't groan--not when anybody could hear me. I won't deny that I did, out in the buttery by myself, give vent to agroan or two, and a few sithes. But immegiately, or a very little after, I was calm again. 

Wall, worse things wuz a-comin' onto me, though I didn't know it. I oweda tin peddler; had been owin' him for four weeks. I owed him twenty-fivepounds of paper rags, for a new strainer. I had been expectin' him forover three weeks every day. But in all the three hundred and sixty-fivedays of the year, there wuzn't another day that would satisfy him; hehad got to come on jest that day, jest as I wuz fryin' my nut cakes fordinner. 

I tried to put him off till another day. But no! He said it wuz his lasttrip, and he must have his rags. And so I had to put by my work, and lugdown my rag-bag. His steel-yards wuz broke, so he had to weigh 'em inthe house. It wuz a tegus job, for he wuz one of the perticuler kind, and had to look 'em all over before he weighed 'em, and pick out everylittle piece of brown paper, or full cloth--everything, he said, thatwouldn't make up into the nicest kind of writin' paper. 

And my steel-yards wuz out of gear any way, so they wouldn't weigh butfive pounds at a time, and he wuz dretful perticuler to have 'em justright by the notch. 

And he would call on me to come and see just how the steel-yards stoodevery time. (He wuz as honest as the day; I hain't a doubt of it. )

But it wuz tegus, fearful tegus, and excitin'. Excitin', but notexhileratin', to have the floor all covered with rags of differentshapes and sizes, no two of a kind. It wuz a curius time before he come, and a wild time, but what must have been the wildness, and the curositywhen there wuz, to put a small estimate on it, nearly a billion of crazylookin' rags scattered round on the floor. 

[Illustration: "SHE LOOKED CURIUS, CURIUSER THAN THE FLOOR LOOKED. "]

But I kep' calm; I have got giant self-control, and I used every mite ofit, every atom of control I had by me, and kep' calm. I see I must--forI see that Miss Fogg looked bad; yes, I see that the author of"Wedlock's Peaceful Repose" wuz pretty much used up. She looked curius, curiuser than the floor looked, and that is goin' to the complete end ofcurosity, and metafor. 

Wall, I tussled along and got dinner ready. The tin peddler had to stayto dinner, of course. I couldn't turn him out jest at dinner time. Andsometimes I almost think that he delayed matters and touzled 'roundamongst them rags jest a purpose to belate himself, so he would have tostay to dinner. 

I am called a good cook. It is known 'way out beyend Loontown andZoar--it is talked about, I spoze. Wall, he stayed to dinner. But heonly made fourteen; there wuz only thirteen besides him, so I got along. And I had a good dinner and enough of it. 

I had to wait on the table, of course--that is, the tea and coffee. AndI felt that a cup of good, strong tea would be a paneky. I wuz that woreout and flustrated that I felt that I needed a paneky to soothe. 

And I got the rest all waited on and wuz jest a liftin' my cup to mylips, the cup that cheers everybody but don't inebriate 'em--good, strong Japan tea with cream in it. Oh, how good it smelt. But I hadn'tfairly got it to my mouth when I wuz called off sudden, before I haddrinked a drop, for the case demanded help at once. 

Miss Peedick had unexpected company come in, jest as they wuz a-settin'down to the dinner-table, and she hadn't hardly anything for dinner, andthe company wuz very genteel--a minister and a Justice of the Peace--soshe wanted to borrow a loaf of bread and a pie. 

She is a good neighbor and is one that will put herself out for aneighborin' female, and I went into the buttery, almost on the run, toget 'em for her, for her girl said she wanted to get 'em into the houseand onto the table before Mr. Peedick come in with 'em from the horsebarn, for they knew that Mr. Peedick would lead 'em out to dinner thevery second they got into the house, and Miss Peedick didn't want herhusband to know that she had borrowed vittles, for he would be sure tolet the cat out of the bag, right at the table, by speakin' about 'emand comparin' 'em with hern. 

I see the necessity for urgent haste, and the trouble wuz that I hurriedtoo much. In takin' down a pie in my awful hurry, I tipped over a pan ofmilk right onto my dress. It wuz up high and I wuz right under theshelf, so that about three tea-cupsful went down into my neck. But themost went onto my dress, about five quarts, I should judge besides thatthat wuz tricklin' down my backbone. 

[Illustration: "I SEE THE NECESSITY FOR URGENT HASTE. "]

Wall, I started Serintha Ann Peedick off with her ma's pie and bread, and then wiped up the floor as well as I could, and then I had to go andchange my clothes. I had to change 'em clear through to my wrapper, forI wuz wet as sop--as wet as if I had been takin' a milk swim. 

CHAPTER V. 

Wall, the author of "Wedlock's Peaceful Repose" wuz a-waitin' for me tothe table; the men had all got through and gone out. She sot right byme, and she had missed me, I could see. Her eyes looked bigger thanever, and more sad like. 

She said, "she was dretful sorry for me, " and I believed her. 

She asked me in a awe-stricken tone, "if I had such trials every day?"

And I told her "No, I didn't. " I told her that things would run alongsmooth and agreeable for days and days, but that when things got tohappenin', they would happen right along for weeks at a time, sometimes, dretful curius. A hull batch of difficulties would rain down on anybodyto once. Sez I, "You know Mr. Shakespeare says that' Sorrows never comea-spyin' along as single fighters, but they come in hull battles of'em, ' or words to that effect. "

Sez I, in reasonable axents, "Mebby I shall have a hull lot of goodthings happen to me right along, one after another, some dretfulagreeable days, and easy. "

Sez she in the same sad axents, and wonderin', "Did you ever haveanother day in your hull life as hard as this you are a-passin'through?"

"Oh, yes, " sez I, "lots of'em--some worse ones, and, " sez I, "the dayhas only jest begun yet, I presume I shall have lots and lots of newthings happen to me before night. Because it is jest as I tell you, whenthings get to happenin' there hain't no tellin' when they will everstop. "

Miss Fogg groaned, a low, deep groan, and that is every word she said, only after a little while she spoke up, and sez:

"You hain't eaten a bit of dinner; it all got cold while you wuz achangin' your dress. "

"Oh, wall, " sez I, "I can get along some way. And I must hurry up andget the table cleared off any way, and get to my work agin', for I havegot to do a lot of cookin' this afternoon. It takes a sight of pies andcakes and such to satisfy twelve or a dozen men. "

So I went to work vigorously agin. But well might I tell Miss Fogg "thatthe day had only jest begun, and there wuz time for lots of thingsto happen before night, " for I had only jest got well to work on theingregiences of my pies when Submit Tewksbury sent over "to see if Icould let her have them sturchien seeds I had promised her--she wanted'em to run up the inside of her bedroom winder, and shade her throughthe winter. She wuz jest a-settin' out her winter stock of flower rootsand seeds, and wanted 'em immegiatly, and to once, that is, if it wasperfectly convenient, " so the boy said. 

Submit is a good creeter, and she wouldn't have put that burden on me onsuch a time for nothin', not if she had known my tribulations; but shedidn't, and I felt that one trial more wouldn't, as the poet hath wellsaid, "either make or break me. "

So I went to huntin' for the seeds. Wall, it wuz a good half-hour beforeI could find 'em, for of course it wuz natural nater, accordin' to thetotal deprivity of things, that I should find 'em in the bottom of thelast bag of seeds that I overhauled. 

But Submit had been disappointed, and I didn't want to make her burdensany heavier, so I sent her the sturchien seeds. 

But it wuz a trial I do admit to look over more than forty bags ofgarden and flower seeds in such a time as that. But I sent 'em. I sentSubmit the sturchien seeds, and then I laid to work again fast as Ipossibly could. 

But I sez to the author of "Peaceful Repose, " I sez to her, sez I:

"I feel bad to think I hain't gettin' no time to hear you rehearse yourlecture, but you can see jest how it is; you see I hain't had a minute'stime today. Mebby I will get a few minutes' time before night; I willtry to, " sez I. 

"Oh, " sez she, "it hain't no matter about that; I--I--I somehow--I don'tfeel like rehearsin' it as it was. " Sez she, "I guess I shall make somechanges in it before I rehearse it agin. "

Sez I, "You lay out to make a more mean thing of it, more megum. "

"Yes, " sez she, in faint axents, "I am a-thinkin' of it. "

[Illustration: "AS I STARTED FOR THE BUTTERY. "]

"Wall, " sez I cheerfully, as I started for the buttery with a pile ofcups in one hand, the castor and pickle dish in the other, and a pile ofnapkins under my arm, "I believe I shall like it as well again if youdo, any way, " sez I, as I kicked away the cat that wuz a-clawin' mydress, and opened the door with my foot, both hands bein' full. 

"Any way, there will be as much agin truth in it. "

Wall, I went to work voyalently, and in two hours' time I had got mywork quelled down some. But I had to strain nearly every nerve in theeffort. 

And I am afraid I didn't use the colporter just exactly right, who comewhen I wuz right in the midst of puttin' the ingregiences into my teacakes. I didn't enter so deep into the argument about the RevisedNew Testament as I should in easier and calmer times. I conversedconsiderable, I argued some with him, but I didn't get so engaged asmebby I had ort to. He acted disappointed, and he didn't stay and talkmore'n an hour and three quarters. 

He generally spends half a day with us. He is a master hand to talk;he'll make your brain fairly spin round he talks so fast and handlessuch large, curius words. He talked every minute, only when I wuza-answerin' his questions. 

[Illustration: "THERE WUZ SOMETHIN' WRONG ABOUT 'EM. "]

Wall, he had jest gone, the front gate had just clicked onto him, whenMiss Philander Dagget came in at the back door. She had her press-boardin her hand, and a coat over her arm, and I see in a minute that I hadgot another trial onto me. I see I had got to set her right. 

I set her a chair, and she took off her sun-bonnet and hung it over theback of her chair, and set down, and then she asked me if I could spendtime to put in the sleeves of her husband's coat. She said "there wuzsomethin' wrong about em', but she didn't know what. "

She said "she wouldn't have bothered me that day when I had so muchround, but Philander had got to go to a funeral the next day, as one ofthe barriers, and he must have his coat. "

Wall, I wrung my hands out of the dish-water they was in at the time, and took the coat and looked at it, and the minute I set my eyes on itI see what ailed it I see she had got the sleeves sot in so the elbowscome right in front of his arms, and if he had wore it in that conditionto the funeral or anywhere else he would have had to fold up his armsright acrost his back; there wuzn't no other possible way. 

And then I turned tailoress and helped her out of her trouble. I sotthe sleeves in proper, and fixed the collar. She had got it sot on as aruffle. I drawed it down smooth where it ort to be and pinned it--andshe went home feelin' first rate. 

I am very neighborly, and helpful, and am called so. Jonesville wouldmiss me if any thing should happen. 

[Illustration: "SHE IS APT TO GET THINGS WRONG. "]

I have often helped that woman a sight. She is a good, willin' creeter, but she is apt to get things wrong, dretful apt. She made her littleboy's pantaloons once wrong side before, so it would seem that he wouldhave to set down from the front side, or else stand up. 

And twice she got her husband's pantaloons sewed up so there wuz no wayto get into em' only to crawl up into 'em through the bottom of thelegs. But I have always made a practice of rippin' and tearin' andbastin', and settin' her right, and I did now. 

Wall, she hadn't hardly got out of the back door, when Josiah Allen camein in awful distress, he had got a thorn in his foot, he had put on anold pair of boots, and there wuz a hole in the side of one of 'em, andthe thorn had got in through the hole. It pained him dretfully, and hewuz jest as crazy as a loon for the time bein'. And he hollered thefirst thing that "he wanted some of Hall's salve. " And I told him "therewuzn't a mite in the house. "

And he hollered up and says, "There would be some if there wuz any sensein the head of the house. "

[Illustration: "HE WANTED SOME OF HALL'S SALVE. "]

I glanced up mechanically at his bald head, but didn't say nothin', forI see it wouldn't do. And he hollered out agin, "Why hain't there anyHall's salve?" Sez I, "Because old Hall has been dead for years andyears, and hain't made any salve. "

"Wall, he wouldn't have been dead if he had had any care took of him, "he yelled out. 

"Why, " sez I, "he wuz killed by lightnin'; struck down entirelyonexpected five years ago last summer. "

"Oh, argue and dispute with a dying man. Gracious Peter! what willbecome of me!" he groaned out, a-holdin' his foot in his hand. 

Sez I, "Let me put some Pond's Extract on it, Josiah. "

"Pond's Extract!" he yelled, and then he called that good remedy words Iwuz ashamed to hear him utter. 

And he jumped round and pranced and kicked just as it is the nater ofman to act under bodily injury of that sort. And then he ordered me totake a pin and get the thorn out, and then acted mad as a hen at meall the time I wuz a-doin' it; acted jest as if I wuz a-prickin' hima-purpose. 

He talked voyalent and mad. I tried to hush him down; I told him theauthor of "Wedlock's Peaceful Repose" would hear him, and he holleredback "he didn't care a cent who heard him. He wuz killed, and heshouldn't live to trouble anybody long if that pain kept up. "

His acts and words wuz exceedingly skairful to anybody who didn'tunderstand the nater of a man. But I wuzn't moved by 'em so much as thewidth of a horse hair. Good land! I knew that jest as soon as the painsubsided he would be good as gold, so I kep' on, cool and collected, andgot the thorn out, and did up the suffering toe in Pond's Extract, and Ihadn't only jest got it done, when, for all the world! if I didn't see adouble team stop in front of the house, and I peeked through the winderand see as it wuz the livery stable man from Jonesville, and he hadbrung down the last straws to be lifted onto the camel's back--a hulllot of onexpected company. A hull load of 'em. 

There wuz the Baptist minister and his wife and their three children, and the minister's wife's sister-in-law from the West, who wuz therea-visitin', and the editor of the _Augur'ses_ wife (she wuz related tothe visitor from the West by marriage) and three of the twins. And oldMiss Minkley, she wuz acquainted with the visitor's mother, used to goto school with her. And Drusilly Sypher, she wuz the visitor from theWest's bosom friend, or used to be. 

Wall, they had all come down to spend the afternoon and visit with eachother, and with me and Josiah, and stay to supper. 

CHAPTER VI. 

The author of "Peaceful Repose" sez to me, and she looked pale andskairt; she had heard every word Josiah had said, and she wuz dretfulskairt and shocked (not knowin' the ways of men, and not understandin', as I said prior and before, that in two hours' time he would be jest asgood as the very best kind of pie, affectionate, and even spoony, if Iwould allow spoons, which I will not the most of the time). Wall, sheproposed, Miss Fogg did, that she should ride back with the livery man. And though I urged her to stay till night, I couldn't urge her as hardas I would otherwise, for by that time the head of the procession ofvisitors had reached the door-step, and I had to meet 'em with smiles. 

[Illustration: "SHE PROPOSED THAT SHE SHOULD RIDE BACK WITH THE LIVERYMAN. "]

I smiled some, I thought I must. But they wuz curius smiles, very, strange-lookin' smiles, sort o' gloomy ones, and mournful lookin'. Ihave got lots of different smiles that I keep by me for differentoccasions, every woman has, and this wuz one of my most mournfulest andcuriusest ones. 

Wall, the author of "Wedlock's Peaceful and Perfect Repose" insisted ongoin', and she went. And I sez to her as she went down the steps, "Thatif she would come up some other day when I didn't have quite so muchwork round, I would be as good as my word to her about hearin' herrehearse the lecture. "

But she said, as she hurried out to the gate, lookin' pale an' wan (aswan agin as she did when she came, if not wanner): "That she should make_changes_ in it before she ever rehearsed it agin--_deep changes_!"

And I should dare to persume to say that she did. Though, as I say, shewent off most awful sudden, and I hadn't seen nor heard from her sencetill I got this letter. 

Wall, jest as I got through with the authoresses letter, and LodemaTrumble's, Josiah Allen came. And I hurried up the supper. I got it allon the table while I wuz a steepin' my tea (it wuz good tea). And we sotdown to the table happy as a king and his queen. I don't s'pose queensmake a practice of steepin' tea, but mebby they would be better off ifthey did--and have better appetites and better tea. Any way we feltwell, and the supper tasted good. And though Josiah squirmed some when Itold him Lodema wuz approachin' and would be there that very night orthe next day--still the cloud wore away and melted off in the glowin'mellowness of the hot tea and cream, the delicious oysters and othergood things. 

[Illustration: "MY PARDNER ENJOYS GOOD VITTLES. "]

My pardner, though, as he often says, is not a epicack, still he duzenjoy good vittles dretful well and appreciates 'em. And I make a stiddypractice of doin' the best I can by him in this direction. 

And if more females would foller on and cipher out this simple rule, andget the correct answer to it, the cramp in the right hands of divorcelawyers would almost entirely disappear. 

For truly it seems that _no_ human man _could be_ more worrysome, andcurius, and hard to get along with than Josiah Allen is at times; still, by stiddy keepin' of my table set out with good vittles from day to day, and year to year, the golden cord of affection has bound him to me byties that can't never be broken into. 

He worships me! And the better vittles I get, the more he thinks on me. For love, however true and deep it is, is still a tumultous sea; it hasits high tides, and its low ones, its whirlpools, and its calms. 

He loves me a good deal better some days than he does others; I see itin his mean. And mark you! mark it well, female reader, these days arethe ones that I cook up sights and sights of good food, and with acheerful countenance and clean apron, set it before him in a brightroom, on a snowy table-cloth!

Great--great is the mystery of men's love. 

I have often and often repeated this simple fact and truth thatunderlies married life, and believe me, dear married sisters, too muchcannot be said about it, by those whose hearts beat for the good offemale and male humanity--and it _cannot_ be too closely followed up andpractised by female pardners. 

But I am a-eppisodin'; and to resoom. 

Wall, Lodema Trumble arrove the next mornin' bright and early--I meanthe mornin' wuz bright, not Lodema--oh no, fur from it; Lodema is neverbright and cheerful--she is the opposite and reverse always. 

She is a old maiden. I do think it sounds so much more respectful tocall 'em so rather than "old maid" (but I had to tutor Josiah dretfulsharp before I could get him into it). 

I guess Lodema is one of the regular sort. There is different kinds ofold maidens, some that could marry if they would, and some thatwould but couldn't. And I ruther mistrust she is one of the"would-but-couldn't's, " though I wouldn't dast to let her know I saidso, not for the world. 

Josiah never could bear the sight of her, and he sort o' blamed her forbein' a old maiden. But I put a stop to that sudden, for sez I:

"She hain't to blame, Josiah. "

And she wuzn't. I hain't a doubt of it. 

Wall, how long she calculated to stay this time we didn't know. But wehad our fears and forebodin's about it; for she wuz in the habit ofmakin' awful long visits. Why, sometimes she would descend right downonto us sudden and onexpected, and stay fourteen weeks right along--jestlike a famine or a pestilence, or any other simely that you are a mindto bring up that is tuckerin' and stiddy. 

And she wuz disagreeable, I'll confess, and she wuz tuckerin', but Idone well by her, and stood between her and Josiah all I could. He lovedto put on her, and she loved to impose on him. I don't stand up foreither on 'em, but they wuz at regular swords' pints all the timea'most. And it come fearful tuff on me, fearful tuff, for I had to standthe brunt on it. 

But she is a disagreeable creeter, and no mistake. She is one of themthat can't find one solitary thing or one solitary person in this wideworld to suit 'em. If the weather is cold she is pinin' for hot weather, and if the weather is hot she is pantin' for zero. 

[Illustration: "BUT SHE IS A DISAGREEABLE CREETER. "]

If it is a pleasant day the sun hurts her eyes, and if it is cloudy shegroans aloud and says "she can't see. "

And no human bein' wuz ever known to suit her. She gets up early in themornin' and puts on her specs, and goes out (as it were) a-huntin' upfaults in folks. And she finds 'em, finds lots of 'em. And then shespends the rest of the day a-drivin' 'em ahead of her, and groanin' at'em. 

You know this world bein' such a big place and so many different sort o'things in it that you can generally find in it the perticuler sort ofgame you set out to hunt in the mornin'. 

If you set out to hunt beauty and goodness, if you take good aim and areperseverin'--if you jest track 'em and foller 'em stiddy from mornin'till night, and don't get led away a-follerin' up some other game, such as meanness and selfishness and other such worthless head o'cattle--why, at night you will come in with a sight of good game. Youwill be a noble and happy hunter. 

[Illustration: "BUT FIT WITH THEIR TONGUES, FEARFUL. "]

At the same time, if you hunt all day for faults you will come in atnight with sights of pelts. You will find what you hunt for, track 'emright along and chase 'em down. Wall, Lodema never got led away fromher perticuler chase. She just hunted faults from mornin' till night, and done well at it. She brought in sights of skins. 

But oh! wuzn't it disagreeable in the extreme to Samantha, who hadalways tried to bend her bow and bring down Beauty, to have her familiarhuntin' grounds turned into so different a warpath. It wuz disagreeable!It wuz! It wuz!

And then, havin' to stand between her and Josiah too, wuz fearfulwearin' on me. I had always stood there in the past, and now in thisvisit it wuz jest the same; all the hull time, till about the middle ofthe fifth week, I had to stand between their two tongues--they didn'tfight with their hands, but fit with their tongues, fearful.