THE BAD BOY AT HOME, AND HIS EXPERIENCES IN TRYING TO BECOME AN EDITOR. 

THE FUNNIEST BOOK OF THE AGE. 

BY

Walter T. Gray

1885

J. S. Ogilvie & Company. 

CHAPTER I. 

 WHY HE CHEWSES A PERFESSHUN. --HYFALUTIN PROLOG, WITH SUM BARE POSSIBILITIES. --PROSPECTUS OF THE "DAILY BUSTER. "

Mister Diry:

I've been intending ever since I got home from Yourope, to begin ritin'in a diry, but I ain't had no time, cos my chum Jimmy and me has beenputtin' in our days havin' fun. I've got to give all that sorter thingup now, cos I've accepted a persisshun in a onherabel perfesshun, andwen I get to be a man, and reech the top rung of the ladder, I'm goin'to mak' New York howl. 

Pa, he wanted me to go to skule, but I culdn't see it a tall, cosa feller wot's alwus goin' to skule don't never kno nothin' butbase-ballin' and prize fitin' wen 'he gets thru. All them fellers wotrite in dirys begin by usin a lot of hyfalutin wurds wot sound orful bigbut don't meen nothin; so I guess I'll be in the fashun, so here goes:

You're only a quire of "common noose" paper, Mr. Diry, so you needn'tput on so menny airs over your cleen wite dress, wot only needs amorocker lether mantel and gilt braceletts to make you look like youb'longed to the Astor house dude. 

We all know you was maid of rags, and them rags might once have beanin the mazey, lacey laberinths of wite linnin wot audashusly pressed'gainst the tender form of Lillyan, the dudine. 

If you warn't there you mite have ben all ablaze with chane stitches andcrushed oniyun stripes, closely incircling a cupple of been-poles--no, not eggsactly been-poles, but the sharpley, shadderly lower lims ofSarah Jane Burnhard, the actress wot got mashed on Dam-all-her. 

Then, agen, you mite have ben on some infantile prospecktive Preserdent, but you didn't stay on him long, cos baby's and safety-pins maid youtired. 

Enyway you've got a histery, cos them littel black spots on your ritebussum looks like they mite wunce hav ben part of Mrs. Dr. Walker'spatent backackshun, maskuline, dress-reform trowsers, wot she sentto the paper-mill to get ground up inter paper to mak books for theenlitenin of the wimmin of our country. 

How's that for high, Mr. Diry? My muse come playguey neer running awaywith me, so I had to wistle "down brakes, " and slow her up. Now I'llbegin to record my doins on your pages, so that, shuld the toes of myboots be applide to the patent bucket early in my useful carreer, thehull wurld'll kno wot a treassure socieaty has lost. I ain't givin youeny biled lasses candie, but don't you let your memmerizin orgins losesite of the fact that I, Georgie, the Bad Boy wot's ben to Yourope, ain't no slouch. 

My pa sez I'm a geneyus. I guess he's 'bout rite, ony he orter sed I wasa buddin' one, 'cos my hankerin' after a perfeshunal carrieer has led meto axcept a posishun in the publick-opinyun-moldin' shop wots known asthe _Daily Buster_, Joe Gilley, edittur and proprieat-her. Subskripshunprice, $5 per yare. No trubbel to sine receits. 

N. B. --Speshell arrangements with ex-Senater Satan enabels us to give ourdelinkent subskribers cheap excurshun rates to the Hot Sulfur Baths, viathe Haydies Short Line, our fitin' edit-her corndoctor. This paper isrun on red-hot indypendant principels, in a spicey, sparklin' manher. Inpollyticks our motto is: "Onhest men, regardless of partie, candy-dateswith barr'ls xcepted. "

The above is the prospecktus of the journalistick venture in wich Ihave mbarked in the capacerty of typergraffickal devil. So now Mr. Diry, look out for the brakers. 

CHAPTER II. 

 HIS FIRST INTERVUE. --WILL THEY BE CONSINED TO A PLACE THAT IS HOTTER THAN THIS. --A LABER-SAVTN' MASHEEN. --BEER, GASSERLIN AND PROHIBISHUN. 

I've jest got my supper, so I guess I'll tell you 'bout my first day'sxperience on the Dailey "Buster. " I was down to the offis at 7 'clock, and the mannergin edittur, he detaled me to intervue, the old papers anddust, on the floor. By the ade of a broom, wot was so old, it was mostbald-hedded, I suckceeded in completely ridden the floor of its surplusstock of litterature, and terbackhey balls, wot them printers spit out, wen they warnted to use there mouths, to consine sum feller, wot roteorful to Hallyfax, or sum other mild climat. 

I wunder if everybodie, wot them printers dam, goes to Hades, cos, ifthey do, and all printin' offisses is like ourn, I guess us fellers wonthave much compenny in Heaven wen we get there. They all ap-pare to havea pertickler spite 'gainst a Mister Copy, cos I hearn him bein' dammed, more an a hundred times to-day. I guess the poor feller ain't got no shoa tall. 

I never seen the wurkins of a edithers sanktuary before. I useterwonder, how they rote all them long artickels wot everybodie sed show'dthe grate geneyus of the edittur, but I never knowed till this mornin'bout the laber-savin' masheen, wot is maid of two peeces of steal, withsharp points on one end, and two rings on the other, wot slip overthe editturs fingers. Wen he's got them on, he takes off his shoes andstockins, and waids inter a lot of old noosepapers, clippin' out littelbits here and there, and pastin' 'em on a sheet of wite paper. Themasheen wurked splendid, and Mister Gilley sez its a sure anty-dote aginskribler's parallysis, wot all great riters is trubbelled with. 

Jest 'fore dinner the edit-her begun to get orful dry ritin a artickelhedded, "Pernisshus Pizen; or, Holesail Slaughter, " caused by theadulterashun of beer with arsernic, so he sent me down to the barroomnext door to get him a bottle of beer on thirty days time. I'd jest gotback to the sanktum, and was takin' out the cork, wen the Metherdistminnysteer cum in to arrange 'bout a big prohibishun rally wot comes offnext week. He looked orful suspishus at the bottle, till the edit-hertold me to take that bottel of gasserline, to the forman, and tell himto wash the forms with it, and be sure not to get it neer a lite, cosgasserline was orful 'xplosive. 

I guess it got 'xploded cos, wen the minnyster was gone, I went out toget it, and I culdn't even find a smell of it, so I had ter go roundto the next block for another, cos the edittur's face wasn't good formorean one, in the same place, in one day. 

Say, Mister Diry, did you ever get a whiff of the smell, throne out bythe paste-pot, in an edittur's offis, wot was 'stablished in '49? Cos, if you never did, you can't apreshiate how deliteful the consentrated'xtract of half a dozen glew factorys would be, in comparyson. Thisafternoon the edit-her perlitely requested me to consine the contentsof ours to their last restin' place in the ash-heep, in our back-yard. Menny a silent teer did I shed over the cold and clammy remanes ofhundreds of cockroaches, whose young and usefull lives came to such asad and untimely end, in there brave efferts to 'xplore the mystear-iousand fathemless depths of the "Buster's" paste-pot. 

I guess I muster forgot to wash my hands 'fore supper, cos pa's down inthe sellar settin' a trap for a polecat, and ma she swares she's goin'to have a carpinter take up the dinin'-room flure tomorrer mornin', andhunt up the rat wot crawled under there and died. 

CHAPTER III. 

 THE XCHANGE FYEND. --SHEECARGO ALL QUIETT. --THE FYEND GOES ABROAD. --HIS GRATE SPERIT APALLED. --THE BERRIED HOPES OF A RUMATIICK POET. 

Our offis has got wot is called a xchange fyend wot comes in everymornin wen we get the male and looks over all the papers, cos he's toomeen to buy his own readin matter. I knovv'd by the way the editturlooks at him, he'd like to kick him down 3 flites of steep steps, but Iguess he borrowed a dime from him, bout ten years ago, and he's'frade he'll 'tach the offis furniture for it. I alwus like to help my'mployers outer a tite place, so, this mornin, I run 'cross a paper thatwas printed this day sevral yares ago, so I lade it down on the tabilwhere the Fyend'd strike it the first thing, and then I got orful busydustin the book-case. Wen he cum in, he picked up the paper and lookeddown the hed-lines. I seen he was gettin orful xcited, then he snatchedup his hat and segar stump, and run like he was chased by litenin. Purty soon, there was more an 5, 000 peepel on the street in front of theoffis, and the edittur got orful scared, cos he thought they was gointo run him outer town, on account of the big soshill scandell wot hepublished yesterday, so he sent me to the door to see wot they allwanted. Wen I got there the peeple was most crazey for noose from theSheecargo fire. I told em to hold on and we'd hav out an xtra in afew minits, and then I showed the edittur the paper wot the Fyend wasreedin, wot gave a big account of the Sheecargo fire. Wen we got out ourextra, we sold 'bout 10, 000 coppies, with a artickel, wot red like this:

"The latest despaches from that city report Sheecargo all quiett, thanksto the forethort of the Mayor, in swarein in a large number of extraperlice, for service durin the sittin of the Youmorists Conven-shun, andthe grate precaushuns taken by Common Counsil to see that no lickher wassold to delergates!" You bet there was a mad crowd, wen they found outthere warnt no fire a tall in Sheecargo. The 'xchange fyend's goneto New Jersey, cos it'll have time to blow over, 'fore Congres canpromulgait a xtrodishun treety, with that government. 

This afternoon, I was appalled, my grate big spirit fell down into myshoes, like a Jump of led. Alass how grate the breech is, tween theorthor, and the columns of a noospaper, and how short the rode, wotleeds to the waist basket, espeschially the one, in a printin offis likethe Daily "Buster, " were the basket covers bout a square akrc of flore. I was put to cleenin up the waste basket, so as we'd hav the paperreddy, for the junk man, wot calls round with his six horse teem ofgoverment muels, once a week, I coldn't help lingerin over the contents, and sying, wen I thought, of the hopes wot lied burried thare. There wasone littel peece of poultry, rittin on a sheet of 'lectric blue paper, and sented with otto of roses, and indited to "My dare George. " I wunderif the poultryess ment me, wen she rote it, cos if she did, she struckit jest rite, for Ive got it stowed away, in my pants pocket next myhart. 

There was a nother roll of manerskript, wot wayed a pound, and come byxpress, without bein pade. I guess the edittur was mad, wen he paid 50sents charges, and found out it warnt no berthday present. A note withit, red like this:

 My dare Edittur Buster--

 The enclosed storie entitled "Dudish Dick, the Flirtin Corn-Doctor of Horse-car No. 36, " is wurth $500, but in complerment of the high standin of your valewbel jurnal, I will allow you to publish it for notthin, if you will send me papers containin it. 

 Yours trooly, Sammy Lane, Author. 

Wat unappreciatin beins editturs are! Wen they wuld let a geneyus wotwas capable of pennin the follerin lines go unrewarded:

 A big politishun named Kelley, Had a gripin pane in his belly. He used St. Jacobs oil, And now he's nussin a boil, But his pane has left him by golly. 

CHAPTER IV. 

 HE AIN'T NO TYPERGRAFFICKAL CYCLOPEEDA. --SERIUS COMPLERCASHUNS, WITH A TEMPORY ABBERASHUN. --A PRINTIN' OFFIS FEED. 

I'm in a peck of troubel to-day, wot I'll have ter trust ter Providenceto get me outer. A typergraffickal devil ain't s'posed to knoweverything, enyway. Now the hull offis is mad at me, 'cos I ain't awalk-in' cyclopeeda of typograffickal turm. 

In the fust place, the foreman of the composin' room's mad, 'cos wen hetole me to fech him a long stick, I went down street and hunted roundtill I struck a house wot was bein plasturd, and brot him back a goodlath. Wen I giv it to him I thot there was a erupshun from a volcano, the way he swared at me. He sed he'd a noshun to brake it over my back, for not havin cents enuff to kno that he bot his fire wood by the cord. Y didn't he tell me in the fust place he wanted that thing wot printersuse to set type in. 

Now the casheer's on his ear, cos he sent me out ter buy a woodengalley. I know'd very well I couldn't make no mistake there, cos I'mposted on ship's kichens, so I arst him how big a one he wanted. He sed medeyum, so I went up toJohnny Roache's ship-yard and had them send a galley down to the offis, wot would be big enuf for a good sized skooner. You orter seen thecasheer's face, wen the six-horse teem stopped in frunt of the dore. Thedriver was goin to leeve the galley enyway, but the Casheer pade himto hawl it back, and rote Mr. Roache that there boy was laberin under aslite abberashun of the mind wen he ordered it. But I think its hismind wots got the abberashuns instead, from sittin up so late with thered-hedded grass widder wot keeps the bordin house crost the street fromour house. If it hadn't, y didn't he tell me he warnted a galley forkeepin type in, wen the composin stick's full. Fellers like him orter beput on ice, cos there too fresh to keep long. He only needs a tale to bea thorobred dude, cos he's got everything else wat blongs to one. 

On my way home, at noon, I stopped to see a feller wot was sellin prizepackits, at the corner of Nassau street, so I didn't get time to etemuch dinner. I was gettin orful hungry bout 4 'clock, wen the editturarst me if I thot I culd clere up the pie wot was on the imposin ston. I didn't warnt to let him see I was so orful hungery, so I told him Ididn't kno. "Well, " sed he, "there's nothin like tryin; the fore-man'llsho you wear it is. " I couldn't keep back my grattyfycashun, so Ithanked him three or four times. You bet I was mad, wen I fownd outthere warnt no cherry or mince pie, not even dryed appel, but only a lotof type wot had got mixed up. I think its reel mene to make a littel boylike me think hes goin to get a big feed, and then not give him enythingbut a lot of led wot nobodie else wuld try to ete. 

You orter see our imposin stone; it must be orful valewble. Its a grateflat peece of marbel, tattooed, all over, with funny hyroglifficks. Iguess its one of the old toombstones wot come from anshunt Troy. Itsa wunder the edittur dont sell it to the Smithsoyun institute, sted ofusing it for layin forms on, its so orful imposin. 

CHAPTER V. 

 A VISIT FROM A DISTINGUSHED ANTY-MONOPERLIST TYPERGRAFFICAL TOREWRIST. --HE EXPOSES A MURDERUS CONSPIRACY. --A THRETEND RESIGNASHUN. 

This mornin our offis was onhered by a visit from a typergrafficaltorewrist, wot in-terduced hisself as John McNamee. He sed he'd justreturned from a xtensive visit in the Western States, ware he'd beenfor sum time, for the benefit of his health. He is one of the mostdistinguished members of the perlitikel partis, called Anti-Monopolists. I admire a man wot praktices wot he preaches. Now, this Mr. McNamee hasnever been known to contribute a cent to surportin our grate ralerodemo-noperlists, altho he has travilled all over the United States byrale. Beside that, he wouldn't axcept any accommodashuns short of agreen-line sleeper. Wen I arst him y he didn't ware his gold watch-chainand silk hat, like all other pollytishuns, he sed his partie wasendevourin to freeze out the big clothin monopolies by wearin their doestill they fell off. I notissed his bus-sum swellin with pride, as hespoke of the fruits there labor had brot forth in the failyure of somenney grate clothin furms. 

He condersended to thro in sum type, and wen he got thru, him and acuppel of our printers adjurned down stares to partake of a shampaynelunch. I guess he warn't used to drinkin lite wines, cos he's beensleepin under the paper-cutter all the afternoon, dreemin that he wasbein nom-minated for Preserdent on the great anty-monoperlist ticket. Jest before dinner the edittur told me to tell the make-up man to killLawrence Rickard. Now, his store is ware my pa buys all his groseries, and his wife and ma's orful good chums, and b'long to the same sewin'sircle. Mr. Rickard alwus treeted me rite, and I didn't like to see acupple of bludthursty villanes kill him without givin' him tim to sayhis prayers, so I called inter his store and told him he'd better skipout or lay lo, cos the edittur was orful mad at him, and had ordered anuther feller to kill him. He sed he'd fix 'em. So rite after dinner acupple of perlice cum up to the offis and arrested Mr. Gilley and themake-up man for conspiracy to murder, and they had to xplane it, and payall the costs. 

I took a littel vacashun this afternoon, and went out fishin', cos Iremembured wot pa says after he's kissed ma by telerfone, "Distance lends enchantment to the vue. "

So I thot them two bad men wyld be more enchanted with me if I kep ata safe distance. I'm orful frade my jurnulistick carrieer's goin' tobe broken off short, but I don't think they orter blamed me, cos theedittur shutd er told me to tell the make-up man to take out that localnotis wot red: "Fresh vegetabels and grene truck received daily, atL. I. Rickard's Grocerie, " insted of makin' me tell him to kill Mr. Rickatrd, Well, if I can't be a jurnulist and make a fortune, I' kno wotI can be, I'll go to the offis in the mornin', and if there's eny musicin the air, I'll resine and berry my hopes. Then I'll leese DennisRyan's old blind muel, wot's too week to kik, and go to peddlin' fish. The _Buster_ will bust 'fore they make enything outer this chickin;ain't that so, Mister Diry?

CHAPTER VI. 

 THE CLOWD SHEW's ITS SILVER LININ', AND GEORGIE DOES HISSELF PROUD. --THE RED-HEDDED OLD SNOOZER QUAKES BEFORE THE DEVIL. -- HE'S GOT THE GALL. 

To-day has ben a glorius day for me, cos it seems like I'd done sumthinwot was a onher to the perfesshun. 

Wen I went down to the offis I felt like my resignashun wuld beaxceptabel, cos my servises could easyly be dispensed with. I left thedoor opin wen I went in so as I'd have a avenew of 'scape in case a mine'xploded. Jest as I got in the press-room I hearn a muffelled voice say:"Georgie, my boy, is that you?" I answered: "Yes, sir. " Then I seenthe edittur reclinin' in a recumbent posishun, under the big sillinderpress, lookin'whither 'an a sheet, and tremblm' like he'd seen hisgrandpa's gost. I arst him wot was the matter, and he sez:

"Georgie, there's a man in the offis wot I sed was a red-hedded oldsnoozer wot ort to be run outer town. Tell him I've gone to ConeyIleland to fite a duhell with Sullivan, or say I'm out takin' my mornin'pistil practise. Tell him enything, only get schutt of him. "

I sez: "You becher life, I'll fix him. " So I went inter the sanktuary, like I own'd the hull bisness, and I seen his oner walk-in' up and down, swarin' to hisself, like he was repeetin' the responces in the 'Piscopalchurch. 

Soon as he cot site of me, he sez:

"Young man, where am that red-hedded, shaller-braned, lantern-jawd, squint-eyed, crooked-knoes son of a ded beet? Show me him till Ipulverise him so fine that his remanes wouldn't bring 5 cents if you wasto sell em for pure superfosfated binary bone. "

"Wot did you remark?" sez I. 

"Show me the insignificant littel puppy wot sed I was a red-hedded oldsnoozer, " sed he. 

"Oh! you wish ter see the edittur. I'll call him, " sez I. 

[Illustration: A GENTLEMAN, WANTS TO INTER VUEHIM. ]

Then I went to the speakin tube wot goes up inter the composin-room, andsung out orful loud:

"Tell the fitin edittur that there's a gentleman, down in the offis, wants to intervue him. Tell him he'd better lode up his dubble-barrl'd, breech-lodin blunderbuss with dannymite cartrag cos the gentlemanprefers a-heeted argument. "

Then I turned round and told the man that the edittur 'd be down in aminnit. 

He cooled rite off and sed:

"Thank you, my boy; there's no hurry; I guess you'll do jest as well. I only called to pay for your valuabel paper. Tell the edittur my holefamily culdn't get along without it; even the baby lays awake all nitecry in' for it. "

And then he handed me a $10 bill and didn't wate for no change, for heony had a cuppel uv minnits to each a trane in. Mr. Gilley was listenin'to the hull conversashun, an', wen the coast was cleer, he come out fromhis hidin' place and patted me on the back and sez:

"Georgie, you're a brick; you're goin' to be a onher to your perfeshun. Sum day you'll be a _Pulsitter_, cos you've got the gall of a _Sun_reporter. "

I wonder if _Sun_ reporters swet much, cos I never go golled 'less itwas in summer wen pa maid me play the fiddel with the old buck saw, gettin' the wood reddy for winter. I guess I must be a hero, costhe sportin' edittur, wen he hurd wot I did, took me to the fotografgallarv, and had my pictur taken, so as he culd pass me off for the newEnglish prize fiter, wot he's training so as he can lick Sullivan. 

CHAPTER VII. 

 HE INTERVUES ELI PERKINS AND GETS SUM POINTS ON JURNERLISTIC EGGSAGGERASHUN, PREVARICASHUN AND MAGNIFYCASHUN. --Y PULLMAN STOK IS GOIN UP. 

Wen I was round to the hotels, this mornin' gettin the arrivals, I seensumthin on the regester of the Grand Pacific wot look'd like a cuppel ofspiders had ben fitin and got there legs in the ink bottel and crawledover bout a dozen lines. I arst the clerk wot it ment. He culdnt: saytil he seen wot number the wot-is-it had. After lookin over his leger hefound that No. 36 stood for Eli Perkins and a grate big bord bill. 

I've hurd it sed that it showed enterprise for a noosepaper man tointervue distinguished guests, so I thot it'd do purty neer as well tointervue a distinguished liar. So I got the clerk to sho me up to Mr. Per-kin's room. 

It feel like I'd got up a rung or two on the ladder alreddy, cos theedither thot my peece wot I rote bout the intervue was good, and itsgoin to be put in to-morrer mornins paper. I rite it down in your pages, Mister Diry, so as I can look at it wen my hart grows weery strugglinfor fame and wriches:

"After xchangin good mornins, the _Buster_ reporter sed:

"'Mr. Perkins, youre one of the biggest liars in America, aint you?'

"'Who sed I was one of 'em, yung man?' sed he, gettin mad, and cominover to were I was sittin, like he was goin to formally interduce hispatent lether pumps to the paches wot I sit down on. 'Who sed so? Namehim instanly, and I'll brand him as an infamous liar. Me, one of thebiggest liars in America. It's mene, to, contemtabel. To think that Ishuld hav toiled a life to stablish a reputashun, only to be classed asone of the biggest liars of America. No, young man, you're rong. I amthe grate I am liar of the unyverse. '

"By this time our reprysentative was feelin like he'd mistakin hiscallin, but musterin up courage, he sed:

"'Mr. Perkins, I'm a yung aspyrant for jurnalistic onhers. Can you givesum points on the bizness, wot I culd use to advantage?'

"'Yes, my son, you becher bottom dollar, I can. Alwus bear in mindthat the three furst principels of moddern jur-nalism is Prevaricashun, Eggsaggeration, and Magnifycashun. For instance: If Tallmage, in hissermin, sez he b'lieves there's a hell, you want to be sure to rite itup thusly: "Rev. Tallmage, havin just returned from a short visit, heldhis hearers spellbound for a hour, yesterday morning, by his grand andvivid discripshun of the mildness of the climat of a salubrous summerresort" This wuld be a excellent illustrashun of Prevaricashun. 

"'Eggsaggershun would be like this: If a candydate of the oppersishuntreats a fellow to a glass of beer, you wanter say: The barrel's bentapped, and fabulous sums are bein expended to inflooence voters, andnever forget to hed the artickel Fraud, Corrupshun, and Forgerry. 

"'If a six-pound baby comes to one of your subskribers, you warnter sizethe farther up, and if he's good for twenty-five segars the babys gotter be twelve pounds. If he's good for fifty make it eighteen pounds, and if he sends round a hole box, with the notis, the baby's got to turninto twins. This wuld be a case of magnifycashun. It shos jurnerlistickenterprise. Y, I've known cases where a puny 8-pound boy got to bebouncin triplets, mother and babies doin' well, all cos their papahad cents enuf to send sum wiskey 'long with the segars. Those are theprincipel points to bare in mind, and if you follow em up rite, you'llbecome a grate and good jurnerlist. If you ever run short of sensashuns, get on the track of the "mercury" liar and foller him up, till youstrike his mine of valuabel infer-mashun. '

"'How long are you goin' to be in the city, Mr. Perkins?'

"'Only a few days. I'm here fixin' up my fenses, and puttin' in a bidfor the nommenashun for the Preserdency. I'm orful anxyus to run agin'Ben Butler. '

"'Is there enything else startlin' that you know, Mr. Perkins?' queriedour rep-rysentativ. 

"'Yes, but you musn't give it away, cos I'm short on Pullman stok. Doyou see this?' said he, holdin' up a peece of cotton, 'bout six inchessquare. 'Well I come down from Albanie on a sleeper last nite, and thismorning I mistook one of the sheets for my hankerchef, and this thing isthe sheet, but don't menshun it, cos it'll make the stok jump a foot. '

"'Good mornin', Mr. Perkins, wenever I run short of lies I'll callagen. '"

CHAPTER VIII. 

 A CONVENSHUN OF THE DUDE DEMMERCRAZEY, --A COUNTRY DELEGAIT. -- THE EDITHER GETS NOMMERNATED FOR GOVERNOR, AND GEORGIE SMOKES A $15, 000 SEGAR. 

There's something to pay to-day, is wot the edither sed to the casheertonite, wen I walked up to the desk for my $2 in munney and a bushell ofgloryfycashun. 

Yes, it was to pay all day in town, cos there was a convenshun of theDude Dem-mercrazey in the Grand Opera House, and the candydates had allthe salloons leesed, and war busy servin out free wisky, like they'vegot in O-i-o. 

Mr. Diry, did you ever see a full-bludded Demmercratic delegait from acountry village? Well, jist immagin a tall, leen, lank indyvidooal, withlong hare, slouch hat, a knoes wot looked like it'd been in collishunwith a elderberrie pie, and a sute of cloes wot was bort wen old FatherAdam's wardrope of fig leeves was sold out by the Sherruf of Edencounty. That is a kyrect pickter of them fellers whose hands is ichin tograb hold of the desternies and post-offisses of Amerika, and if you'lltake my advise you won't make no closer investi-gashun, lesn you've gotmunney nuff to spare to set em up. 

The aldermen of the city passed a resurlushun closin up the front doresof the s'loons, cos they was frade if they was left open sumthin mitehappin wot would hurt the reputashun of the partie in the common hurdwot do the votin. But then the delergates didn't mind circumventin abildin, as long as they got a chanse, to circumvent sum hot stuf wenthey got inside. 

After dinner, the Convenshun was called to order, and the boss carpenternaled a lot of old seccund hand planks togethur, wot they called aplatform. Then the onherabel members, got orful full of 'nthusyasm, costhe nommernashun for Guvner, was in order, jest then my chum jimmy, wotsworkin for the Districk Telergraf Corn-penny come in, and handed theCheerman a despach, wot he red out loud. It sed:

 Nommernate Joe Gilley, for Guvner, and I'll tap a barrel, Sammy Tilton. 

The thots of the barrl was too much for the assembelled multertude ofthe grate unwashed, and ther was quietness in the Hall, wile vishunsof wiskey baths, free lunch stands, and clene paper collars, past beforthir eyes. Then ther was a loud cheir, and Joe Gilley wos nommernatedby acclamashun. The rest of the ticket was put on the slate, by orderof John Kelley, and the delergates adjourned to the _Buster_ offis, werethe temperance edittur regaled em, with a demmyjohn of Appel Jack, wot the committee giv him sted of cash, last time he lectured, onProherbishun, in Hobokin. 

Wen the croud was cleered, Mr. Gilley arst me if I know'd the boy wotbrung the note. I told him he was my chum, and I'd rote the despach forfun. 

Then he shook hands with me, and sed I was smarter 'an chane litenin', and I'd get to be Preserdent sum day, cos I beet all the pollytishuns heever know'd at wirepulling. Then he thanked me, and give me a cuppel ofsegars, one for Jimmy and one for me, to call it square. We're goin' tosave 'em til to-morrer after dinner, cos it tain't offen boys, like us, get a chanse to smoke $15, 000 dollar segars, and these muster costthat, cos the evenin' papers says Mr. Gilley pade $30, 000 for thenommernashun. 

He's ben most everything but a demmycrat, but he says he guesses he canstummick there docktrins 'til he gets to Albany. 

CHAPTER IX. 

 THE REPORTER INTERVUES A PULITICKEL GOST. --ROS CONKLIN GIVES HIM SUM PRESERDENSHALL POINTERS, AND VANISHES WITH HIS BOTTEL. 

Yesterday was Sunday, so I didn't mak no entry, cos the corpse hadn'tclimaxed. 

Jest as we was leavin the offis Saturday nite I heerd the city editurtell the purlitickal repertoriai liar that he wanted him to hunt upa purlitickal gost, cos the _Buster_ culdn't afford to let a littleone-horsed, two-for-a-cent daily, like the _Times_, have the monopolieof the etheriel spirit act, not by a numerous long site. Bout 10 'clockin the evenin I saw the reporter passin our house, on his way to Trinitychurchyard, so I run up stairs and borrered one of ma's nite gowndsand nite caps, wot she wares wen she's 'mbracin morfeeus. Then I tuk ashort-cut down to the seminery. I'd jest got there, and was puttin thelast touches to my gostley toilet, wen I seen the reporter comin in thegate. Wen he got purty neer up to were I was I coffed sort o' loud andunearthy like. Well, you'd dide to see him drop his note book and get afit of Hodeley's shakin malaria. He was jest recoverin and gettin readyto vacate the premises wen I immertated the voice of the feller wot saysthe long prayers at Oshun grove camp meetin, and sez:

"Young mortel noosepaper man, what warntedst thou, encroachin on thepeece and quiet of our last restin place, with thy terrestriel notebook?"

"In the name of John Kelley, the omnippetent boss of the New YorkDemmercrazey, who are you? Speak!" said the reporter. 

"Sinse you command me in the name of one of the gods, I will speak. Seethis brillyant plumage, " sed I, placin my hand where I sit down, "nowcovered from earthly vue. I am Stalwart Conklin, the stallwart of theRerpublikan partie, doomed for a sertain time (till '84) to strut arouadon the confines of the perlitickel arena, attended by my humbel pageMctoo. "

"Ros, old boy, shake!" sed the reporter, puttia out his baud and giviamine a urthly pull, soon as he found out he warnt talkin to no angel. "Who's goin to be the coming President?"

"Lissen, and I'll unfold a tail See yonder rooster, all bedecked ingold?" sed I, pointin to the wether vein on top of the _Tribune_ bildin. "Well, put your hand to it, and you'll behold the man wot my in-flooenceis going to carry to the Wite House. If you've got eny spare change, puther up on Winnyfield Skot Hancock, and count Mr. Conklin in Secretarryof State, but don't yer never giv it away, cos I'm play in' a dubbelgame. Give us a suck of your bottel, and I'll hie myself thitherward formy nitely game of pennie anty with Genral Grant, who alreddy is awaitin'me behind yonder cloud of Havannah smoke. "

"Hold on, Ros, leve us a smell, " sed the reporter, as I shoved thebottel in my pistil pocket, and disserpeered behind a toombstun. 

This mornin' the intervue come out in the _Buster_, and the hull corpseof noosgathururs of the other papers is detaled in divishuns to wach allthe semerneries in the hope of interviewin' the gost of James G. Blame, and the demmercrazey is wilder with inthusiasm than they was afterFouracres got drownded in wiskey out in Oio. 

CHAPTER X. 

 HE REPORTS A XERDENT WOT HAPPENED TO J. GOULD AND SETS ALL NEW YORK WILD. --XCITE-MENT IN WALL STREET. --JIMMY NERVOUS. -- YOU CAN TELL THEM BY THE COMPANY THEY KEEPS. 

I never could see y peepel with good cents don't xercise a littlejugement wen they name their baby's, so as fellus like me, wot is ayoung aspyrant for jurnerlistic ornhers, wouldn't git mixed up on 'em. 

Now the citie edittur told me if I ever hurd of any dog fites, oraxydents, to report 'em, cos it'd keep me in practise. So this mornin, bout 3 o'clock, we was woke up by a orfull loud poundin on the frontdore. Pa thot it was burglers, jest as if they'd nock at the dore ifthey wanted to cum in and steel. So ma had to go to the winder, and shefound out it was Mrs. Gould, that's my chum, Jimmie's mother. She wascryin orful, and wanted ma to come over to her house, cos Jimmy had gotthe nitemare from etin too much minsepie, and fell outer bed, and shewas frade he'd brok his kneck, cos he hadn't spok a wurd sinse. I seen Ihad a chanse to distinguish myself, so I put on my cloes and run downto the offis. Oll the editturs and reporthers had gone to bed, costhe paper was jest goin to press, so I told the foreman all bout theaxerdent wot happinned to J. Gould. He got orful xcited, and sed I orterbe promoted, cos it was a splendid item, and we'd be the only paper wotwould hav it, and then he got the paper reddy for 50, 000 extra coppies. 

Wen I went down town after brake-fast I never seed such xcitement;hundreds of peeple was at every street corner reedin' the _Buster_ anddiscussin' probubillytees of a panic. The noose-boys was coinin' moneysellin' our paper, singin' out "All 'bout the axerdent, " and showin' thepeeple the _Busters_ hedlines, wot red: "Terribel Calamyty! J. Gould, the Ralerode King, Falls Outer Bed and Sustains Fatul Injuries. "

The managers of the other noosepapers was orful mad, and maid all thecitie reporters hand in their resignashuns, cos they wasn't smart enufto each the item. 

Down in Wall strete there was a reglar pannick. The Beers was jest ashappy as they culd be, and most all of 'em maid there fortunes beforedinner, cos all the stock went down like led. Jest wen a lot of thebulls was goin' to bust up and pay ther creditturs 5 cents on thedollar, who should walk inter the Xchange but J. Gould himself. Younever seen such a surprised crowd enyw'ere; they all thot it was hisgost till he 'xplayned that it warn't him wot fell outer bed a tail Hesed he know'd he was purty late gettin' down town, but they must 'xcusehim, cos he was kep up purty late, calkin' up a cask of "Western UnionWater" wot sprung a leek. 

The 'xcitement's beginnin' to ware off now, but you bet the _Buster's_got a big lot of free advertising and Mr. Giliey warn't a bit mad, wenI 'xplained how it all happened, cos the Wall strete beers is goin' tos'port him for Guv'ner, cos the _Buster's_ made 'em all wrich. 

Jimmie's allrite agin; he was only stunned, and he got out of bed intime to get down to the telegraf offis. I feel orful proud of my chumnow. I never know'd how much he was valewd before. You see now, Mr. Diry, wot a boy makes of hisself when he 'sociates with a risin' yungjurnerlist, like yours trooly, Georgie. 

CHAPTER XI. 

 IN THE ROLE OF DRAMATICK CRITTICK. --"HOSIERY HENRYETTUR, OR A BOOM IN FANCY GOODS. "--THE HAPPY DENEWMENT. 

I didn't write nothin in you last nite, Mr. Diry, cos me andMaria--that's my gal--was takin in the furst nite at the theatur. 

Jest wen I was lee vin the offis the edittur called me aside and arstme if I thot I was capabel to report the furst performance of "HosieryHenryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods, " cos the dramattick edit-tur hadgone and got mashed on the latest perfesshunal buty from Cleveland, andwarn't fit for duty. 

I sez: "You becher sweet neck, I can. "

So he give me a cupple of "comps" and a led nickle for to buy candie andpeenuts with. Wen I got home I drest up in my Sunday-skule cloes, andwent round and wated wile my gal was puttin on her bandyline and rubbinher face with a red sawcer wot she sez she uses for newralgy. 

You bet, this devil felt proud, promerinardin his gal down the ile tothe front orchestrey chares, wots reserved for us rep-rysentatives ofthe metrypollyton press. 

I got out my note-book and pencil, and me and Maria ete candie, talkedsweet, and wated developments. 

I'll pass over the prolog, and giv you the report jest as it was printedin this mornin's _Buster_:

"Last evenin, the curtin, in Niblo's theattur, rose to a large, appreshiativ, and bald-hedded audiense wot sit in the orkerstry cheers. 

"The play wot come on the staige for the furst time in 'Merica was'ntitled 'Hosiery Henryettur, or A Boom in Fancy Goods. ' The plotwas novel, romantik, and excrushiatingly interestin. The principalcharackters is Henryettur, a assthetick young ladie, dorter of aFillydelphy lawyer, and Augustus Angerlinus Fizzlesprung, a dude, wotwares a eye glass and carries a gold plaited kane, wot he chews stedof terfaackky, cos his nerves is week. Henryettur is orful sick 'boutGussy, and wuld giv her lock of Horsecar Wild's hare, wot she carrys inher bussum, if Gussy would ony tumbel and marry her. But Gussy wouldn'ttumbel if the hull of Broadway'd fall on him, cos he's mashed on a lotof dudines wot do the balleyin act in the academme. The furst act wasvery utter, in fact too utterly utter for utteranse. The scenery wasgrandly sublime, bein a combynashun of sunflours and Baltymoreoysters, wot are sed to be very assthetick. The seccund scene is morecommonplase, cos it reprysents a green room of a theat-tur with theartists sittin round a tabel, makin a supper off of Boston baked beensand shampain sawse. Gussy 'pares in the background and givs the gals $5to danse a bally for his own speshell benerfit. Then they all cam tothe front of the staige. We guess they b'long to the femail econymistpersuashun, cos they all 'pared to be very eccornomical in goods wenthey maid there skurts, or else they got there dresses wet, cos they'veshrunk way up 'bove their nees, and way down b'low there necks. Theclerk wot sold 'em there stockins must of warrented them to wash, cos there all colors, and there bout the only part of there does wotsanyways long. The dan-cin' part of the performanse didn't 'pare to bemuch appreshyated by the older porshun of the audiense, cos they shadedtheir eyes with their opera glasses and blushed on the top of thereheds, were there hare used to grow. The gals then go thru a lot ofmoshuns, dansin the racket, and Gussy sets 'em up. 

"The furst scene of Act III. Is in Henryettur's privat boodywar. Shewalks round, holdin a big sunflower in her hand, and calls it to witnessthat if her dare Gussy don't make up his mind purty soon to marry her, the tender thred wot holds her to this mundain spere will soon cum toa too utterly utter, suddint round turn. Then she whispers sumthin toherself, and jumps bout a foot, and xclaims, in a anty-assthetik voice:'I will do it! By the misterious hare, hidden in the opake depths of10-cent-a-plate ice-creme, I will do it!'

"The scene then changes to a rehursal in the theattur, with Gussylooking at the bailey. All on a suddint a gal comes dancin outon tip-toes and movin her hands round like she was playin'skippin'-the-rope. Her close is purty, ony they're a good deal moreshrunken than wot the other gals had on, and her lower xtremer-ties looklike she was smugglin' cotton from New Orleans. Gussy then gets mashedon her rite away, and she don't 'pare to mind it a bit, cos she sot ritedown on his knee, and they begun a-talkin' awful soft. Purty soon shejumped 'bout six feet, wen Gussy shoved a pin inter her stockins. Thenhe reckernized her as Henryettur, and the bailey bring on the happeydenewment act, by balleyin' round wile Gussy and Henryettur 'mbrace andkiss each other, and the property man lifts up his hands and sez:

"Henryettur, you had better Go put on your cloesietter, Cos you are tooutter utter, Drest all in your hosieryetter; Gussy, you must let her, let her, And I'm sure you'll like her better Wen you've settur, settur, settur, And we've drunk to your dudetter. "

CHAPTER XII. 

 A OLD BILL. --THE EDITTUR GETS A FORTUNE FROM OSSTRAILYER. -- SAMANTHY LONGTUNG AS THE BLUSHING BRIDE EXPECTENT. --THE END JESTERFIES THE MEENS. 

The edittur was lookin outer the winder this mornin, wen, who should hespie cummin up the offis steps, but Miss Samanthy Longtung, that's mySundy skule teecher, wots sweet forty and aint never had a mash. He sed, he guessed he'd better not be to home, so I'd hav to stand her off, cosshe'd cum to collect the quarter, wot he'd forgot to pay, wen he eatthat plate of injy-rubber oyster supe at the church festival, bout ayere ago. 

Wen Miss Longtung cum in, she reck-ernized me, and congratulated me onenterin such a onherabel perfesshun. Then she kissed me rite on themouth, and sed, she wished I was growd up to be a big man. Then she asstme if Mr. Gilley was in, and wen I told her "no, " she sed she was orfulsorry, cos she'd cum to collect a littel bill, wot she's goneresponsibel for, and wot was purty neer dew. 

I told her I was sure Mr. Gilley would be orful sorry, wen he cum backand found she'd ben to see him, cos I'd hurd him say, he thot she wasthe purtist yung ladie, he knowd, n town, and of all wimmin, she was theone he'd hav, wen he got a wife. 

She sez, "Do tell, Georgie, " and then she kissed and hugged me, allover, and asst me how long the edittur would be gone. 

I seen she was warntin to kno too much & wuldnt stan off wuth a cent. So I told her that Mr. Gilley wuldnt get back til nite, cos he was upto his turney's, arrangin bout gettin the big fortune wot his uncle, wotdide in Osstrailyer, had left to him. 

"The poor dare man, " sez she; "didnt I alwus tell them yung snips ofgurls at sewin circles that Mr. Gilley'd be welthy sum day, I guessthey won't turn up their knoeses and call me a dride up old made, whenSamanthy Longtung turns inter Samanthy Gilley. I alwus knowd I'd bemarried fore I got outer my teens, and to think my darlin Joe was tooonherable and bashful to ask my hand fore he got his fortune. But Ispose he was frade I wuldnt giv this poor hart, to a poor man, wen somenny welthy suters wus round, " Then she hugged me agin, & told me totell Mr. Gilley never to mind bout that quarter, cos she'd advance itouter her own pocket. Seein she was so orful kind, I told her all boutthe fortune; how Mr. Gilley's uncle was sent out ter rustercate inBottany Bey by the British Guvment, but the barmy breezes of the beydidnt agree with his constetushun, so he resined and took a boat for anuther ileland, & wen he got there he borrud sum sheep from a farmer, &them sheep got marreed, & then there was a lot of littel sheep, wen theygrowd up and got married, and kep the ball rollin' even to the 3d & 4thgenerashun, wen the old man dide. And now Mr. Gilley was goin to havthem aucshunned off, & he thot he'd get bout half a millyun for em. ThenI show'd her the plans of the Grammercy Park palace, wot the perliticaledittur is keepin for refrence, in case he's called on to boom Mr. Tilden for Preserdent, and told her them was the plans of the reserdensewot Mr. Gilley was goin to hav bilt to take his blushin bride too, after they got back from a Yuropeean hunney-moon. Then I maid her promisfaithfully that she wouldnt tell a sole bout the fortune & manshun, costhe Edittur of the _Buster_ was the maudestest man in New York city. 

The Jesuites used to say that "The end alwus justerfies the meens. " Sumof the old Rode Ileland Purytans may say I'm a liar, but I don't agreewith em, cos I've maid too peepel happy. Samanthy Longtung is radient, cos she walked up the strete like she was tredin on air. And Mr. Gilleyacts like he'd unloded a hull team full of pig led oflfen his mind, coshe knoes Samanthy'll have the noose of the fortune all over town 'forenite, and then he'll be abel to stave off his bills, and run his cheekfor wotever he warnts, for a hull yare to cum. He told me, wen I wascummin home, that I was a born diplermatist, & ort to hire myself out toKing Alfonso, of Spain, in case he'd get insulted agin. 

CHAPTER XIII. 

 TRAVERLIN IN STILE. --GRAND RECEPSHUNS AND BABY KISSIN MATTYNAYS. --MISTAKEN FOR HIS AXERDENSY. --A DEDLEY STATE. 

6 p. M. , Troy, N. Y. 

Mr. Diry:

You will notis by the above address, that you and me are away from hometo-nite, and I spose you orter have sum xplenashun of our doins. Well, wen I got down to the offis this mornin, Mr. Gilley told me to go ritehome and put on my Sunday cloes, and be reddy to start for Troy on theleven clock trane, cos we was goin to opin up the campane there, and hewanted me to carry his sachell, wot had a demmy-John in. Wen I gotback, Gilley was orful busy with a old pall-bearer of the Demmercratickcorpse, from Shodack, fixin the rate per caperta wot was to be bid forvotes. 

Wen we got to the depot, Vanderbuilt had had one of his spells, and hadbeen sendin the publick to Haydies, so he wuldn't let the trane wate tenminnits for a guvmentel candy date. Mr. Gilley was in an orful way boutgettin left, cos he had to be at Troy to-nite, and there warnt no othertrane wot would get us there, so he pade a feerful big pile of munneyfor a speshell. President Arthur, and a lot of other Republercan dudeswas goin to start for Bufflo on a fishin xcurshun at 1 o'clock, so ourtrain got under way rite off, and every other trane on the rode wassidetracked to let us get past. 

There was a norful crowd at every sta-shun, wot had cum from milesround, to see us distingushed cityzens. We stopped at Yungkurs to water. The town has got a orful apropriate name, judgin by the way the mothersbrot ther yung curs for us to kiss. I dont care nothin for baby'senyway, but I had to submit to a lot of slobberin for the sake ofinflooensin votes, for my Candydate. At Fishkill we stopped forrefreshments, and was waited on by a brass band and the Mayor and morebaby's. Mr. Gilley spoke a few wurds and thanked the crowd for theircurtesies, and named a few babies. Jest as we was steemin outer thedepot, he dropt his red bandanner handkerchef; you'd dide to see themyung gals tumbel over each other and scrambel for it. Before they gotit, it was tore all up, in little bits, and most every gal wot got apeece, unbuttoned there jerseys, and stowed it way in there bussums. Fishkill, like Yungcurs, has got a purty good name, cos it emits aperfume, very surgestive of cleenin fish, wot was fresh wen PreserdentBuckannon was inaugerated. 

Mr. Gilley was feelin orful proud of his recepshuns, all long the line, & it warnt till we got to Albany that he found out that the peepel tookhim for Preserdent Arthur. Then he got orful indignant, & made the airof the cur smell like condensed sulfur gas, the way he swared. He sezhis xperience of unkindnesses has been purty big in his lifetime, butthat the peepel of New York State shuld take him for his Axerdensy wasthe gol durndest unkindest cut of all, and he'd be struck by litenin, with a asse's jaw, if he didn't make the furst barber he seen shavethem leg-a-mutton sidebords clene off, cos they was bringin his bald hedinter disgrace. Wen we got to Troy we was met by the Centril Committee, and druv round to all the salloons, so as we'd see all the sites, &set em up for the crowd. I heer the band pleyin "See the conqrin hearocomes. " I guess the populace is waitin for me, so I'll have to stopritin now. 

CHAPTER XIV. 

 IMMENSE NTHUSIASM. --SUM POINTERS ON THE TARIFF. --THE OHIO BABY'S. ----POOR LITTLE CAST OFF. --THE FALLEN GRATE. 

My bussum swells to-nite with pride cos we've tuk the town by storm. Ifpeepel warnt all Demmycrats before, they is now, cos our speechyfyinhas struck in purty deep. The meetin was a grand suckcess fizzically, morally, numerrically, and, I guess, votingly. 

From the furst, we pollytishuns was received with a perfect ovashun. Chair after chair rended the air, and the seen was only comparable tothe nitely concerts of the tommas cats and there parrymores on the backfences of 42d street. 

The silence was so grate you culd of hurd a dudine smile, wen Mr. Gilley, in answer to a request to say sumthin bout the tariff, sed:"Gentlemen and other Demmercrats, I regret very much that I can notaxceed to your request to menshun that all important questshun, thetariff. My hart is reddy to bust with greef wen I think how menneyof you listened last Thursday nite to that Republercan demmygog, JohnSherman, and was deseeved. I met that gentelman in a hotel in New Yorkthe other day. Sum one axed him if he'd sed enything in his Troy speechbout the tariff. 'Yes, ' sed he, 'I fed them durn country gallutes withtariff taffy til they was runnin over. ' I shall refrane from sayinenythin more on the subject, cos you want to let your stummacks settelagain fore you take a nuther emettick. " Mr. Gilley finished up hisspeech, by pointin to the glorious victory in Oio, and urgin thedem-mercrazey to "wurk, wurk, for the day is at hand. Look at Oio. ARepublican legislatur begat a baby, & it called it Seccund AmendmentPropersishun, it put it up, for the admirashun of the peepel. Thedemmercrazy had a baby also, it was cristened Wiskey, it grew fat, saucy, & popular. Seccund Amendment Propersishun appared to hav ben alittel too previous, wen it come round, & grew to be a littel, puney, sickley, child. Wot would eny mother have done? Wouldnt she have hireda wet nurse? Did the Republican mother do this? No, gentlemen, not by along shot she didn't! She got ashamed of the baby, & abandoned it atthe dores of the wimmin of Oio, leavin it to them, to bring up on thebottel. This was not all, gentlemen, the hartless mother got jellus, &tride to steel littel Wiskey. But the grate buxom, german frawleen, wothe had for nuss, couldnt see it a tall. Too much bottel. Too much W. C. T. U. Soothin sirrup, & too many wimmin, killed the poor littel castoff, Seccund Amendment Propersishun, and the remanes was berried lastTuesday. Littel Wiskey is growin to be a big & lazy boy, mother & fatherdoin well. "

This was too much for the crowd 'cos they got wild with nthusyasm, &shoved us in a carriage, & hauled us all over Troy. 

The luv I bare the grand, anshunt, and onherabel partie of the grateunwashed, tempts me to pass over, the grand finale of todays proceedins. But my dutie as a chronickler of actooal events, compels me to menshunthe fact that after our late drive tonite, the select sircle ofpollytishuns, partuk of a banquet, and becom so full of grattytude, sourmash, and old borbon prinsipels, that they are now, down stares, humblybitin' the dust of the dinin room flure, and confessin there mannyfoldsins, & trespasses, to the open and obligin eers, of half a dozen nickelplated cusspy-dores. 

CHAPTER XV. 

 IN A TROY HOTEL. ----GRAND REVUE AND MILLYTARY DEMONSTRASHUN. --THE ATTAK OF THE LEEGUNS. --HOLESALE DETH AND CONFUSHUN. --THE RECALL. 

I feel most too tired to rite in you tonite, Mr. Diry, but I guess I'lltell you wot made me feel so xerted. After the meetin and banquet wasover last nite, the cullured gentelman, wot was in attendanse, at thehotel, ushered me up to my room wot was on the skie balconey teer. 

[Illustration: I CREP OUTER BED AND LIT THE GAS. ]

I got off my cloes & jumped inter bed, as quick as possibel, cos I waspurty well used up. I'd jest got inter a sleep, & was dreemin I was acandydate for Preserdent, on the no-nuthin platform, with Benny Butlerhung on the tail of the ticket, wen I was woke up by feelin sumthin likea lectric shock creepin over me. I begun to get scared, cos I felt likeI was gettin the seven yares ich, so I crep outer bed & lit the gas. On xammenashun I found a feerful lot of little wite lumps all over mybodie. Then I looked at the sheets, & a grande site was presented tomy vishun. There on a littel knoll, of the fether bed, stood thecommander-in-chief, surrounded by his staff, issuin orders. Grouped allround, in regyments, divishuns, & briggades, were comanys of privatsin their full dress parade unyform of scarlet. As each regyment defiledpassed the Commander, the band struck up the Nashunal anthem of:--

 "Bite, Brother, bite with keer And do your dutie as a bed buggeer. "

The processhun was the most imposin I ever seen. The entire time takenin passin a given point was two hours and ten min-nits. 

At eggsactly 2:20 a. M. , the army formed in a holler square, withthe officers in the middel. The high priest then passed round them, skatterin insense all over the soldjers, and xhortin them to stand firm, cos vick-torie, glory & spoils was rite within there reech. Then heskattered sum more insense, wot smelt wuss than limbugger cheese, allover them. 

By this time it was 3 a. M. , and I was gettin sumwhat nervus andcold, in my abbreevyated costume, my mercyfull disposishun and otherconsiderations restrayned me from dealin out holesale slorter to theenemy. Wile I was tryin to devise meens to recapture my fortress, without incurrin the risk of a eppydemick, I seen the army form, in fivedivishuns. The one under Majah Genral Bloodsucker, bein ordered to scalethe walls and take a posishun on the ceelin. The other four divishunsto assume the offensive, and attack me simultaneously on my flanks. Alasfor me, too soon, I seen, my mercy had ben illtimed, nothin was left mebut to make hasty preperashuns for the defense. Quickly I grabbed thewash basin, and slop bole, and placed each under a leg of my chare. There was nuthin else in the room, wot I cud use for a mote, indespyration I seized a copy of the New York _Sun, Presbyteeryan Banner_, and a book 'ntitled "Biblikal Reesons Why. " Placin the _Sun_ and"Biblikal Reesons Why, " under the remainin unprotected legs of my chare, and holdin the _Presbyteeryan Banner_ over my bed with a feendish laff, I mounted my fortyfour cashun, and awated the attack. 

The corps on the seelin, under Genral Bludsucker, was ordered to takethe inishiativ. 

Formin in a compact falanx, the band playin the wile, theysimmultaneoushly took the perylus leep, landing rite in the middle ofmy defense. Poor fellows! they met the fate of many others. Miscalculatethe distance they had fallen upon the Funny collum of the _PresbyteeryanBanner_, and its well known soporiffic effects completely overcom them. 

Seein the discomfertufe of the Bludsuckers command Genral Robesonadvanced, on the dubbel quick, over my N. Y. _Sun_ barrycade. He hadalmost reeched the leg of my chare, wen urgin his men forward he crosseda line, and rushed rite into deth, yes a suddin and horrybel deth!Poor fellus! they didnt notis in there hurried adyanse, that they wereattemptin to cross a sarcastick and vengeful dubble ledded editorial, on the United States navy, by Charles A. Danamite. The survivors will nodout erect a monument over the remains of there brave and darin comrads, beerin the inskripshun "Dide of broken harts. "

Genral Robert Ingersol, seein the destruckshun of Robesons forces, determined to advanse slowly, he had jest scaled the back of mybarrycade, and was preparin for a rush, wen his eyes cot site of thetitle of the book. He immejiately sounded the retreet. Biblical ReasonsWhy was too much for him, and he did not feel like crossin the kasm, andexposin his men to more numerus and hotter perrils. 

A counsil of war was then held, and it was decided to get the forces alltogether, and make one determined effort, to capture my fortress fromthe see. A half burnt mach was obtained, and a company of soldjersembarked upon it. The ma-sheenary of the transport must of giv out, cos the bote became unmanageable, and its livin freight, seein therehopeless condish-un, joined in singin', "We're goin down to Glory. "

By this time, the sun streemin thru the cracks of the curtin, warned thesurvivors of the approch of day, and a genral recall was sounded, andthe entire force retreeted to there impenetrabel fortresses in thecracks of the bedsted, leavin me completely master of the situashun. 

Now, Mr. Diry, can you wunder at my feelin sum wot tired after such axperiense, and a tedjus ride down from Troy? Prap's you may consider mea liar. If you do, you are mistakin, cos every wurd I have rittin in youto nite is the solium truth, without "any prevaricashun, eggsagerashun, or magnifycashun, and besides that, every-bodie wot knoes me, sinseI packed away my petty cotes, will tell you, I'm a littel GeorgieWashinton. 

CHAPTER XVI. 

 HE REPORTS A DRY GOODS OPENIN. --A XPENSIV KOSTUM WOT FINDS ITS WAY TO THE STABLISHMENT OF A JURNULISTICK MILLYUN-HAIR. -- FEMMERNINE FEMMERNINITY'S, WITH MICE AS APPENDAGES. --THE NEET THING IN A HAT. 

To-day was the grand openin of fall and winter stiles at all the big DryGoods and Millernery stores. Clara Bell, wot does up that bisness forthe _Buster_ had gone and got completely brok up on a 50 dollar bonnet, wot she sed was the cutest little thing she ever seen, so she had to gorite up to Hackensaw, and see if she couldnt squeeze the munny outer herold bachler unkel, wot dotes on her. Mr. Gilley wuld of discharged herony he'd forgot to pay her sellary up in full for the last six months, so he had to make the best of it, and send me out ter report it in herplace. 

The followin' is wot'll appear in termorrer mornin's _Buster_:

"The first place our repraysentertiv peramberlated hisself to was Lords& Tailor's. He was met at the dore by a aggressiv dude, to hoom hepersented his paist-bord, and who immejeatly put him in charge of ademminutiv casheer, wot scorted him to the maid-up soot department. This department was feerfully crowded with ladies, wot were passincomplerments on the dresses. 

"The most expensiv soot on exherbishun was 'mported from Paris, and ismaid with a red and green pettycote, bilt up together so as it'd looklike a checkherbord. Over this pettycote, and runnin down the back, fromthe waste, in underlatin hills and valley's, wot was formed of a lot ofthe cheep, two-for-a-cent metrypollytan jurnals, was a skie blu sattincoursage, with a long trane, The front of the skurt was composed of alot of curlykues, suspended from the sides, louped up in the middle, and maid of illushunairy stuff, so you culd see the pettycote. The hullbisness was blowd up like the upper half of a belloon, ony a little moreso. Over all this was a pollynays, with panyers xtendin from the neck, down to the waste line and maid titer'an durnashun. 

"This kostume is the creashun of Wurth, the maskerline millerner, andcost 5 thousand dollars. It was 'mported xpressley for the wife of a uptown plummer, but since she sent on her messures, she's been living sohigh that the steem derrick, wot she bort a purpose, has utterly failedto lace her korsets tite enuf for her to get inter the dress. Wile ourrepresentertiv was present, the kostume was purchased by the wife ofthe milyun-hair editur, of the Sarrytoga _Eagle_ for 48 hundred dollarscash. 

"A sweeter'an-a-peech littel dudine, informed us, in reply to ourquestshuns, that jurseys, would be worn dubbel brested behind. That theregulashun bussel wuld containe at least six New York _Heralds_, coveredover with a Texas _Siftins_, for the bennyfit of the occupants of thechurch pue, in the reer of the warer. That crin-nylines wuld average4 feet, six inches, in diameter, and wuld be pervided with the newanti-ankel-xposin spiral springs. That basks wuld be cut very low, andfilled in with gripher lace. That corsets wuld be pervided with rachetsand set screws, to nabel them to be drawn more titely round the waste. That owin to the relertiv cheepness of wool, and its qualerty ofxpandin, sted of shrinkin, it wuld ntirely tak the place of cotton as aindyspenserble adjunct in making up the fashuneebel wimmin. In replyto our inquisertiv reporters last query, the young ladie blushed way upb'hind her eers, and xclamed: 'Oh, you horrid noosepaper man! Dont chewkno, flutin wil allwas remane in stile?'

"The hoseery department hadn't opened up wen our reporter called, buthe was allowed to inspect it. It is in charge of clurks of the malepersuashun, cos there sposed to kno better than gurls wot'd look beston the fare purchasers of these indys-penserbel artikels of femmynineapparal. The latest noveltie reprysents a littel mouse, wots crawledbout half way up, and got stuck. 

"They are in all cullers, and are desined for weerin in wet & slushywether. The're called 'Good Xcuse' Stockins, cos they giv the blushinweerer a good xcuse, for not gettin her skurts wet & muddy. The mouselooks orful naturel, and sum of these days, we'll heer of sum gallantcorndocktor of the Ell R. R. Gettin a kik in his stummik, for grabbinhold of one, wile he labers under the impresshun, that he is re-leevinthe fare weerer, of a indyskribeibel aggerney. 

"The neet thing in a hat is a littel bunch of yaller & green velvit, surmounted by a derminutiv Tommas cat, wots got his back up, and histale runnin down the lady's neck. It costs a hundred & fifty dollars, &the lady's, all say its too sweet for anything. 

"Wimmin's logic is curius enyway. If there all mashed, so bad, on Tommascats, Y, in the name of Pennylope Pennyfether, dont they sit up summoonlite nite, at a back winder, armed with a dubbel barrel shot gun, & slugs? Then they'd get a durn site more'an they'd use in a hulllifetime. This would 'pare to be more senser-abel than payin Lords &Tailor's 150 dollars for a little insignifercant kitten, wot aint cuthis eye teeth yet. "

CHAPTER XVII. 

 DUMMIE "ADS"--WARNTED, A WIFE, BY THE RELIGUS EDDITUR. -- THE CLIMAX. --BABYS, BABYS EVERYWERE. --A HORRID RECH. -- EXPLERNASHUNS AND PACIFERCASHUNS, WITH A TWENTY-FIVE CENTER AS DESERT. 

Since the big reduckshun in price of the mornin papers, them wotdidnt cum down much hav ben usin all sorts of skeems to keep up theircirculashuns, so yesterday Mr. Gilley desided to run a cuppel of collumsof free wanted advertisin. To start the ball a rollin, he maid me riteoff a lot of dummie wants. I put in most everything I culd think of, from the soft and luvin pursernel to the big & clumsy steem engine. 

Wen I got down to the oflfis this mornin there was a orful crowd ofwimmin on Park Row, all ranged along the edge of the pavement, with bouta hundred extra purlice keepin them in singel file. I couldn't forthe life of me imagine wot was up, till I went up steers and seen theper-sesshun filin in and out the religus edittur's offis dores. Then Iremembered the advertisement I rote, wot red like this:

"Warnted, a rotund, bucksom, good-lookin and good-natured madin, suiterbel for a wife. One wot knowes enuf to put on stile & run afashernable stablishment. Apply urley at this offis, to the religusedittur. "

Now, our religus edittur is purty sweet on wimmin enyway, so he tuk itall in good part, and kissed and hugged every one of em, tellin em he'dlet em kno by letter, wen he'd made his choice. They kep swarmin in allthe mornin, til you'd thot all the wimmin in New York was warntin aman. Bout 11 o'clock we all notissed sumthing shut out the lite of thedoreway, purty soon it turn'd round and cum in sideways and sung out, "Oh, were! Oh, were! is the bloomin boy wot warnts a rotund, buxom madinfor his wife?" Then we all tumbeled that she was the Bowry Museum fatwoman, so I pointed to the Religus Edittur. Then she grabbed him up inher arms, and squeezed him, till you could heer his ribs snappin. Wenhe got black in the face she thot she'd made a mistake, in the man, and seized hold of Mr. Gilley, so I remembered it was gettin on towardsdinner time. At the dore of the offis I met the quire singer in thelittle Church Round the Corner, wot the Religus Edittur's ngaged to, andshe tole me to tell him he was a horrid rech, and she was goin to suehim for breech of promis, so she was. 

On my way hum to dinner, the manergin edittur overtuk me, and laffed andsed that was a purty good joke I'd fixed up on the religus edittur. Itold him I didnt meen nothin by it enyway, cos I didnt xpect eny gurl'dthink he was good lookin enuf to marry him. 

Now our mannergin edittur jest got marreed last week, and hee'sbordin at the Metrypollytan hotel. Just fore we got there he giv me aten-center, and sed, thats for the laff him and his wife'd hav wen hetole her bout the joke. 

I guess he got all the laffin he wanted, cos he'd no sooner got interthe hotel dore, before every man, woman, and child run up to him, andtride to giv him a baby, wot they sed was his. Baby's was lyin roundpermiskusly, all over the desks, floors, and barroom. The rooms, upstairs, was chock full of baby's. Xtra cots was lade out in the halls, and every cot, had half a dozen baby's on to it, and every baby hada card pinned on its does, wot red:--Tom Wilson, Susie Wilson, PaddyWilson, Biddy Wilson, and every Wilson you could think of. Eight pagesof the reges-ter was filled with there names, and every page was heddedwith the Editturs own name, John Wilson, Father. 

Wen he got to his own room, he found his wife cryin, lik her heartwas brok. Soon as she cot site of him she let out a shreek wot broteverybodie in the hotel to there room, and sung out: "John Wilsonyoure a monsteer, youre a vaggerbone, youre a rech, youre a inferrnusskoundrel. Take me back to my mama, rite away, and if youve got a sparkof manhood about you, you'll go and make wot little restertushin youcan, to the mothers of these wurse than orfans. "

Quicker'an litenin, Mr. Wilson tumbelled, and laffin a fiendish grin, hesung out in axcents wild: "Get me a Gatlin Gun, and lode it down to themussle with thirty-leven charges of dannymite, and let me get a shot, atthat incorragerbel imp of Haydes, the _Buster's_ Devil. "

Then carmin down a littel, he took this mornins paper outen his pocketand red out loud to the crowd: "Wanted; a fine, helthy infant foradopshun. No questshuns ast. Leeve it at the Metrypolytan hotel for JohnWilson, mannergin edittur _Daily Buster_. "

This put everybodie in good humer agen, and, after settin up the drinksfor the crowd, Mr. And Mrs. Wilson went out to the country to hirea farm and sum wimmin to take care of the baby's till homes culd besecured for 'em. 

I guess him and his wife's sickened on baby's enyway, cos I hurd himtellin the hotel clurk that they'd had all the baby's round them thatthey'd ever have, by gumbo. 

And now, Mr. Diry, I must close for to-nite, cos I've got to smoke the25-center wot the religus edittur giv me for the laff he'd had outer myjoke on Mr. Wilson. 

CHAPTER XVIII. 

 AT THE MASQUE BALL. --FRIVERLUS FIXINS. --A PARISIEN GREASETTE, WOT MASHED THE MASKULINE CHARACKTERS. --MR. GILLEY COT IN HER TOILS. --THE DEVIL IT IS. 

Last nite Mr. Gilley giv me a invyta-shun to the fancy masque ball, wotall New York's ben torkin bout for the last six weaks. It was to be atoney affaire, so wen I got hum I went all thru my wardrobe, but culdn'tfind nothin fancyer than the cloes I wore wen I painted the backfense at our house red with green trimmins. I seen they was hardlyprackterkel, cos there was a feint oder of cows & horses clingin tothem wot the heet of the ball room mite develop in a way wot wuldn'tbe satisfacktorie to myself or the delercate knoeses of the otheraristocrazey present. 

[Illustration: IT WAS ONY THE WURK OF A MINNIT TO PRY OPEN THE LID ]

So I put em away with a sy, and had jest bout maid up my mind that theother ballers wuldn't be treeted to my distingushed presense, wen Iremembered the box of cloes wot our dinin room gal, wot was purty fly, left, wen she loped with the buggler, & all ma's silver spoons. It wasony the wurk of a minnit to pry open the lid, and a dazzlin arrayof butyful & fancy does met my vishun. Then I shed all my thingsand commensed the arduus wurk of dressin. I say arduus, cos it wasparrylisin, discom-fertin, & puzzlin. I useter wonder y ma tuk so longto dress, wen she was goin eny-where, and pa was swarin and hurryin herup. Now, I wunder no longer cos I kno how tis myself, and after my ownxperiense in pins, buttins, strings, laces, garters, and things, I shallever look upon wimmin as martirs. The dress was jest short enuf to showmy blu striped silk stockins, and bout two inshes of mbroidery. The stock-ins was a littel too big, so I had to fill em up withhankercheefs. The waste jest but-tened up on me, at the waste line, butit tuk half a dozen piller cases, and a cuppel of sheets, to stuff theupper part of the front. I had to put a reef in crinny line, cos itshowd, and it tuk ma's pach-wurk quilt to mak my bussel big enuf forstile. 

Wen I was all thru dressin, I looked like a Fifth avenue daysy, every particle of my dress was complete, only I culdnt set down verymaudestly, cos my hoops was too wide. Then ma she fixed up my hare, andmaid a masque for me, and sed I was a true-ter-life Parisien greassette. 

Soon as I got in the ball-room, every maskerline carackter got mashed onme, and warnted me for a partner. Every one I dansed with treeted me toice creme and carrymels, and I guess, I ete supper bout seventeen times, in fact I ete so much, that a terrebel strane round my waste, warnedthat if I indulged my appytite eny more, a feerful catastrofy, waslierbel to take place. 

Bout two o'clock I begun to get tired, & warnted to go home, but mypartner, wot was Mr. Gilley, drest in the costum wot he sent me down toIke Israel's on Chattam Strete, to hire for him, and wot the Jue sed, reprysented Tom Okiltree a Texas Briggand, promissed to get a carrage, and driv me home, if I'd stay till three. I was 'greed, so I dansedthree or four more sets with him, and ete sum more creme. Then he got aclose carrage, & told the driver to drive orful slow, cos he was fradethe moshun of the carrage'd have a bad effect on my nerves. 

Soon as we got started he tuk me on his knee, & got to huggin me roundthe piller slips & sheets and kissin my left eer, and gettin otherwisefermillyer, so I seen the moment had cum for me to be myself, so Ilifted up my masque. Soon as he cot site of my face he xclaimed: "Oh!the Devil!"

"Yes, Sir, " sez I, "tis the Devil. "

Then, tellin the driver to stop the horses, he lifted up his foot andgin me a kick wot landed rite on ma's pachwurk quilt, and sed: "Go tothe devil. "

I guess he's mad at me, only he purtends not to be, but that's puton, cos he's frade I'll gin the hull thing away, and then the religusedittur and Mr. Wilson'll hav the laff on him. 

The sosighety edittur's report in this mornins _Buster_ says:

"The Parisien Greasette was conseeded by everybodie present to takethe onhers of belle of the ball. The knowin ones claim that it was MissEllen Terrier, the latest artistick importashun from England, and thatMr. Vandybilt, as the Texas brig-gand, seen her home. If this is afact, there'll likely be sum domestick thunder flyin round in a uptownmanshun. "

CHAPTER XIX. 

 THE HORSE REPORTER WANTS A COMPAGNON DE VOYAGE. --THE STRAPPIN YUNG WIDDER, WOT AIN'T ON THE MASH. --SWEET-FORTY MAKES A NUTHER MINNYSTEERIAL SKANDAL. 

Our horse reporter is a reglar wimmin hater, and he'd walk round a hullblok, fore he'd meet a gal, wat'd try to flert with him. I guess he'sa grass widder that used to hav a woman, wot maid him tow a chock line, and he aint never got no divorse from her yet. His affeckshuns is alllavished on good lookin horses, and he'd giv more for one of them, thanhe wuld for Lillie Lan-kry or the hull curboodel of perfesshunal buties. 

I alwus did think it was a pitty, for a good lookin man like him, not tohav sum wimmin, wot was brakin there harts, and everything for him, sothis mornin I sent out notes to a cuppel of gals, wot I thot was warntinto get mashed, tellin them to call at the _Buster_ offis, & ast forthe Horse Reporter, 'cos he was ded struk on them, and warnted therecompinny, on a trip to Boston tonite. 

Bout one 'clock, a grate stout woman, wot looked like a reglar bruisir, cum inter the offis and enquired for the Horse Reporter. I show'd herinto his room, and shut the dore, just enuf so as I could see all wotwent on. 

"Air yer the spalpeen, wot calls hisself the Maire Reporter? sez she. 

"I am the horse reporter, madame. Has your mare got the glanders?"

"Me ma got the glanders, yer inserlent puppie, is that fhat yer say?Me ma wots ben neeth the old sod fer ten yers. Don't cast anymiscomplementry reflecshuns, yung man, on my ma wot dide ofanty-consumpshun, or I'll plant the fore end of me toe nales forninstthe pit of yer stummick in a way wot'll mak yer feel like a he muel hadbruk loose. Air yer the in-dyvidooal wot sent me this invytashun?' sedshe, handin the reporter the note. 

"I assure you, madam, " sez he, "there must be some mistak, cos I didn'tnever rite this note. "

"Yees didn't, yer rech; is that the way your after crawlin outer it, after try in to ruin a respectibel widdy like meself? Praps yer don'tthink I'm good lookin enuf for yer, yer babby-faced, downey-lipped, banged-haired, slim-legged, tite-laced, corset-cased, monkey-taled sunof a noospaper doode. If my Pat was livin he'd giv yer a lessin nexttime yer tride to mash a yung widdy like meself, moind that now, willyer!"

She hadn't hardly got outer the door wen a tall, lone, lank maidin, wothad seen bout forty sommers and too numerous to menshun winters, cumsalin in, with a slitely ellyvated skurt wot exposed to vue a couple ofwite and blue shafts wot might have been pipe-stems if they hadn't binher ankels. Bowin sweetly to the law reporter, she requested to be showninto the horse reporter's offis. 

Soon as I'd showd her in she tuk a chare, wot was purty close to theHorse Reporters, & sed to him:

"Here I am Georgie, dere. I do feel so nurvus, you kno. I'm so very yungand inexperienced, and my ma sez a yung and innocent gal lik me ortentto trust myself to go to Boston with a man. But then, Georgie dere, youdont look one bit norty. Wont we have a nice time, darlin. " Then shereched over and kissed him rite on his mouth, and blushed wen she sed, "Don't Georgie, yer orternter kiss me till we're better aquainted. "Kissing him agen she sot rite down on his knee, and ex-clamed, in ahorryfied tone: "You horrid, norty boy, if yer do that again, I'll strikyou with a fether, reel hard, so I will. "

All this time the horse reporter was the pikter of despare. Suddenlyespying a up town divine waitin for the Manergin Edit-tur, in the roomopposite, he sed: "My dere madam, your sweetness is all waisted on me, cos I'm a marreed man, wot had twins last nite. See, in yonder room, isthe Horse Reporter, the man youre looking for. "

By the time she was on the preechers nee, and was goin thru the kissingper-formanse, the Horse Reporter had the hull staff, lookin thru thehalf opened dore, and the fust day the _Busters_ stock of scandalsruns out, we hav one all reddy, bout the minnysteer kissin the madin offorty. 

CHAPTER XX. 

 THE DEVIL IN CHURCH. --A TERRIFICK. XPLOSHUN, AND FLYIN DEBRIS GIVES MR. TALMIG A XCELLENT SUBJECT. --FASHUN AND STILE OF LONG AGO. --GET THE BEHIND ME SATAN. 

Today is Sunday. I kno I ortenter rite in you today Mr. Diry, but, asI've had to rite up a serio commick, religus report, I dont see no bigobjeckshun ter givin it ter you. 

Urley this mornin, the Religus edittur called up to our house, andsed he'd giv me a quarter, if I'd go over to Brooklin sted of him, andreport a surmon, cos he warnted to go to the little church round thecorner, and make it up with the quire singer, wot was goin to sue himfor breech of promise. I was 'greed so I went over, and the ushur showdme inter one of the front seets, and didn't collect no admishun feeoffen me, cos, I guess he knowd I had a ded hed ticket. 

Rite in front of me was a corpulent woman, fatter'an a poorpoise, andthe wife of a Brooklyn alderman. She had a hat on wot was as big as apunshun hed, wot she kept twistin round, so I couldnt see a thing wotwas goin on on the staige. I guess the woman wayed bout 250 pounds, &her bussel was as big as a Ellerfants. The case was gettin desprit forme, cos I'd agreed to bring hum a report of the performanse. The furstpart was jest bout over; the blonde artist was singin a solo, and theaudiense was so interested that they all stood up. I seen the time hadcum for acshun, so I stood a pepper box wot I had in my pocket on theseet. Soon as the ladie went to sit down, she hadnt calkerlated on enyobstercal, and didnt try to control her gravytal momentum, so shecum plump down on top of the pepper box. A loud, roarin sound, then aterrer-bel xploshun shuk the buildin, and the air was filled with flyindebris, woman, pieces of cloes, hoopskirt, hat, buttins, little bits ofrubber bussell, strings, and things innumer-abel and unmenshunabel. Inever seen such a reck in all my life. The ladie landed right in frontof the minister, were sum of the quire girls run to her rescue andkivered her up with shawls, puttin her in a carriage and sendin herhome. Soon as the reck was cleered and order restored, the minister sed:

"I came here this mornin with no idea upon wot subject I shuld speek, trustin ontirely to Providense to reveal to the con-gregashun and myselfa sootabel one. You see, my heerers, for yourself, my trustin has notbeen in vane. My text will be: 'And Eve bort a Bon Ton System, andmaid herself a fig leef pollynays, cut a la Princesse, and trimmed withdandylion ruchin and sun-flower brade. Then she fleeced a he ram, and ofthe wool thereof she formed a big bussel, and Adam got mashed on herfine does, and she turned up her knoes at the washerwomans darter wotdidnt have on nothin but a palm leef jursey, wot fit her too soon. '

"You ladies are all alike, and you get your line of dress, from a purtylong and direct line of ancestry. I dont think a fine dress is a sinfulappendage to eny lady, in fact I like to see a ladie drest well, butto be drest well, a lady ort not to practise deceit, or act a lie, for there is such a thing as actin a lie. Now bussils are the devilsperticklar delite, cos there a form of deceit, in fact, I verily beleevethe devil is in every bussel, and actin on the Biblical advise, theladies all say, 'Get thee behind me, Satan. ' Hereafter, air balloonbussles will be considered contraband, in this church, and ladyssuspected of carry in them, will be subject to a serchin, and rigidxaminashun, before bein admitted. "

CHAPTER XXI. 

 ROUTS THE REPUBLERCAN RABBEL. --CAMPANE LIES. --THE DEVIL IN LEAGUE WITH DEMMERCRAZEY. --GRATE WAS THE FALL THEREOF. 

Tomorrer is eleckshun day, so tonite the Republercans hav been havina gran free strete exhybishun. I'll be orful glad wen the eleckshun isover, 'cos the xcite-ment, & late hours, attendin the campane, isweerin out my nurves. Jimmy and I hav jest got in Mr. Diry, and I thinkparaders are wonderin wot struck em by this time. 

Bout half past seven, the torch lite perrsesshun got together, at Cooperinstitute, and began the march up town to Uniyun square were the liarswas to hold forth. There was a norful lot in the persesshun, and sum of'em had banners, with a pole cat eatin a rooster. I got indignunt, cos they was ntirely too fresh, so me & Jimmy run on ahed of em, andsprinkled the strete with torpedoes wot we bort a purpose. 

You'd dide to seen em marchin rite on to 'em, singing out "Down withGilley and the wiskey suckin demmercrazey. " Soon as they stepped on sumtorpedoes, they didn't wate for marchin orders. Cos there was a norfulnoise, like the demmycrazey was in leegue with the subterrainon bosses, and they was celebratin there indypendense day. 

I was sorry to see them disband, cos they looked sorter purty, and theband wot they had in the persesshun maid things lively. 

They had a big platform erected wot was meant for the big guns of thepartie, to fire off lies and ellyquense from, soon as the persesshunarrived, so me and Jimmie run up there and wated til the crowd wot hadgot dermoreylized arrove, and the speekin begun. The fust speeker wotheld forth, was a clerickel-lookin cus, wot peared to be only bouttwenty-one years old. He give a long descriptshun of wot him and hispartie, had done for the country durin the late unplessantness, whenthe oppersishun candydate, Mr. Gilley, was to hum, busy weerin out hispettycotes. This made me madder'an durnashun, cos I knowd the feller woslying a reglar baldhedded lie, cos if Mr. Gilley wos weerin pettycoteswen the war brok out, his pa and ma orter kep on lettin him be a gal, and then, p'raps, his hare wuldn't all fell out. The peeple didnt pareto xhibit much inthusyism over the fellers remarks, cos he haled fromout in Oio, and citizens out in such far away and semiuncivylizedstates, aint sposed to kno as much as us New Yorkers enyway. A nutherfeller got up and sed: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the eve of a grateeleckshun. Tomorrer us free men'll go up to the poles and deposit ourballots inter the box, and thus signify our choice of rulers. Every onepresent knoes the disgraceful condishun of the New York Demmycrazey. Its platform is rotten in every plank. Its leeder Mr. Gilley is thedubble-extract of rottinness, and the hull rank and file of the party isin a fit state to be condemned by the fresh meet inspector. How is theRepublican party? Its swete and pure as a new-born baby. Its leeder isas clene and wite as new milk, and all Hay-dies culdnt find a flaw inthe platform on wich we stand. " Just then I guess the devil muster takenexcepshuns to the remarks, cos I'd pulled the rope wot I'd fixed tothe loose leg of the platform, and the hull bisness toppled over thespeekers and vice preserdents of the meetin, presentin a free accrobatictumblin show to the amused and interested audiense. All the peepelwot was present and seen the platform give way are feelin bluand superstishus, cos there frade the Devil's in leegue with theDemmercrazey, and I guess there bout rite; aint they, Mr. Diry?

CHAPTER XXII. 

 ELECKSHUN DAY. --THE DUDES PEDDLIN DEMMERCRATICK TICKETS. -- THE METHYDISTS GO BACK ON THE G. O. P. --THE DEVIL AS A PERLITICKEL WIRE-PULLER. 

Mr. Diry, at this ritin, I guess you're safe in hangin out the hemalechickin, cos all the reports from this city are givin Mr. Gil-ley a'normous vote, and you bet this devil is feelin proud, cos didnt henommernate the Guvner? And bout tomprro nite the hull Statel kno that helected him, too. 

I was kep orful busy this mornin till all our repeeters had scored therevotes. Them Republercan fellers is orful trickey, and I had to do sumtall flyin round wile I was watchin them, so as they wuldnt steel ourrepeeters, wot we'd imported a purpose from Jursey and Fillydeify, and mak em vote in a nother preecinct for there ticket. They call thatkinder business equalizin, but, in this case, it didnt equalize wurth acent, cos I told them all that they warnted to keep there eyes on themfellers wot clamed they was Republercans, cos they was Pinky-ton'sdetecktives in disguise tryin to hatch up a case of illegal votin agenthem. That scared em off, so they each took there 2 dollars and skippedover to Jersey Citty. 

Soon as I got 'em safely off, I seen the Rerpublicans was gettin ahed ofus, so me and Jimmy went down to the offis, and borrered the scientificeditturs 'lectric pen, and rote bout 10, 000 notes, addressin them to allthe dudes whose names is in the di-recktary. Then Jimmy went out and gota lot of other messenger boys to take em round. 

In less than half a hour the stretes of New York and Brooklyn wascrowded with dudes (reel live dudes, livelier than they was ever knownbefore), peddlin Demmercratick tickets round, and visertin all thetaylors, and barbers, and thretnin to withdraw there custom if theydidn't vote the strate Demmercratick ticket, and elecshunaire for Mr. Gilley. 

[Illustration: AND ROTE BOUT 10, 000 NOTES ]

I guess I'll have to be round tomorro nite, cos there'll be sum fun, wen Lillyun cums out the stage dore cos every dude in New York has got anote wot red like this:

 Sublime adored one--By the immortal sunflower you ware in your hallered buttin-hole, and the admyrashun you bear your asthetick frend, vote for Mr. Gilley for Guvner, cos the delercate purple tint of his perfume absorbent, is quite too, too, and his long and shaggy Bur-muder-oniyun cullered locks are jest too delish-us, and placed in the guvermentel cheer, will do much towards educatin the common hurd, to a appresheashun of our assthetick tastes. Besides that, I think the other Candydate, is too much of a 'orridley 'orrid, common cad. If you will do this much for me, I will meet you at the stage dore, tomorrer nite. 

 Yours, utterly in luv, Lillyun Russell, Dudine. 

Then I sent out notes to all the Bank Presidents and clerks, and nosteveryone I culd think of wot had the handlin of other peepels munney. They wus short and sweet, but sum how they brot out a orful lot ofvoters. The notes red like this:

If you kno wots good for you, you'll vote for Joe Gilley for Guvner. Remember. From one who knos you as well as you kno yourself. 

All the Methydists got notes from the Conferense Committee, sayin thatthey'd discovered that the Republican candydate was a rank infydel, andadvisin them all to vote for Mr. Gilley, cos he was goin to donate a bigpile of munney to furrane mis-shuns. 

Every member of the Society of Hen Pecked Husbands, wot is very strongin New York, was requested by a letter sined by the President to votefor Mr. Gilley, cos he had it from good authority that the other fellerhad greed to order the legislate to pass a bill legalizin the wearin ofthe pants by married wimmen. 

Then I sent out a circular to every dout-ful German voter, tellin themthat the Republican candydate, wen he was a boy, had licked a duchboy biggeran him, and called him a puddin'-hedded, pot-stummicked, pretzel-thievin' son of a beer drinkin' and sour krout etin' duchman, and the time had cum for the Gurmans of New York to rebuke at the pollssuch a flaygrant insult to the most useful and respeckterbel standby'sof the Nashun, the German cityzens. 

I never seen enything do better in my life. With the excepshun of thefew votes wot the Republercans had fore I got my wurk in, mine capturedthe hull cities of New York and Brooklyn, and the beer and wiskywots ben sent to rural districks, will giv us the hull State by a bigmajority. Wen I get big, Mr. Diry, I guess I'll hire myself out for aperfesshunal pollytickal wire-puller. 

CHAPTER XXIII. 

 A GLORIOUS VICKTORIE. --THE LICKED CANDYDATE GENERATES BLUE SULFROUS AIR ON ACCOUNT OF THE ACKSHUN OF HIS PLEGED SUPPORTERS. 

Xcitement is at fever heet, and tin horns and bonfires is seen andhurd everywere. We've swep the hull State like a averlanche, and theRepublercan partie is deder'n a dore nale. Me and Joe Gilley is gointo run this ere Guvment now for a wile, and you bet we'll run her withdiscretion, and make a pile. I'm the hero of the Demmercrazy, and JohnKelley giv me and Jimmy a 5 dollar bill a peece, so as we'd have munnyenuf to hav sum fun with, cos Mr. Gilley sez I've ben workin purty hard, and he guessed I'd better take a rest tomorrer. 

The back strete was lined with dudes to-nite, and every one of themcrowded up to Lillyun wen she cum out the stage dore, but she didn'tspeek to eny of them. They wus all purty hot, but they don't regretthe way they voted, cos they have the satysfackshun of knowin that theXecutiv Manshun 'll hav a occupant wot has a very asthetick blendin ofcullers in his mak up. 

The Rerpublerkan candy date wot's got licked has gone and got orful madat the Methydist Conference and swares, by golly, he'll never donate anuther oyster to a church supper, and his remains 'll be smolderin downb'low 'fore them ungrateful hyppercrites 'll hold a nuther mute soshellin his house. His wife says she's goin ter sue them for the bord billof them hoary hedded old delergates, wots been palmed off on her for thelast fifteen years. She sez she alwuz expected sumthin 'd happen, coswhen the young mens christshun associashun convention cum off, they sentall the yung and good lookin deler-gates over to Widder Masher's, crossthe street, and didn't giv her eny bodie but a lot of old men, wot wasjust walkin round to save funeral xpenses. 

The members of the Society of Henpecked husbands is looking like theydbeen drawd thru a not hole, cos there wives hav ben wearin the pantsagain, and given them a taste of dissyplin for votin for a man wot hasas outspoken anty wimmins rites vues as Mr. Gilley. 

I peeped in the windys of sevral banks on my way home, and most all ofthe clurks has a scart and hunted look in there eyes, but I guess theresafe, cos the one who knoes, don't kno quite as much as they think hedoes. 

The Germans is jubilyant, cos they all helped to rebuke a insult I guessthey wuldn't feel so orful proud of theirselves if they'd hurd JohnKelley and Mr. Gilley talkin bout 'em, jest fore eleckshun, wen they wasconsidered doutful, and Mr. Gilley sed ------ the Duch. 

Pollytishuns is purty persnickerty, eny-way. I bleive wen I get ter bea big man I'll start out as a misshunary and devote my 'nurgies to savinthe souls of pollytickel office-seekers and candydates; taint no usetryin to save there bodies, cos the devil's got a lien on them alreddy. 

CHAPTER XXIV. 

 HIS HOLY DAY. --PERSONATIN A DUDE MAKES HIM LOSE HIS TRUST IN GALS. --MARIA GIVES HIM CLENE AWAY. --TERRERBEL REVENGE. -- HE PROMISES FORGIVENESS ON CERTAIN CONDISHUNS. 

I've lost all conferdense in gals and human nature, lost it all at onefell swoop. Yesterday I'd ben willin to bet a 20-cent seegar that mygal, Maria, would 'er lep cross one of the flews of Haydies for me. ButI was deseeved; yes, Mr. Diry, I was wonderfully and terribly deseevedin her. 

As I told you last nite, me and Jimmy got a holy day to-day and $10to spend on havin a good time. So this mornin we drest up in ourSunday-skule cloes, and went down town to the property shop, and eachbort ourselves a false mustash and canes. Then we went up to the barbershop and had our hare banged. Wen we was thru you wuldnt ben abel totell us from full bludded Englush swells. We was just too too, walkin upand down Uniyun Square, puffin at our 10-centers, like we owned all NewYork and half of Brooklyn. You bet we maid sum mashes on the wimmin. Bout one clock we sta-shuned ourselves where we'd meet our gals as theywent to skule. Jimmie's gal, Josie, and my Maria run together. Purtysoon they cum long together, laffin and torkin. Then me and Jimmy bracedourselves up, and as they went by we winked. Josie she winked back, butMaria she sed orful sweet, "How de do?" so we followed em up. Purty soonMaria slowed up & sed its a nice day. I told her it was, then I sez ifshe wuldnt like to take a walk. She sed "she was greed if Josie'dgo long, cos if they went walkin they'd have to play hookey, and onedarsent do it without the other. "

After sum persuashun, Josie greed to go long, so I offered my arm toMaria, and we had a big time til bout 5 o'clock. Then we sez to the galsif they'd like to go to the theater in the evenin, they thot it'd beor-, ful nice, but they didnt believe there mas wuld trust em to go withstrange gentelmen, cos it wuldnt be rite. I axt her if there wasnt sumway to fix it. 

Maria sed she guessed she culd tell her ma. Georgie was going to takeher, & then Josie culd say, Georgie had a xtra ticket, & warnted her togo long, so we greed to meet em, at the corner, bout 7 clock. Theywas there on time, all drest up ter kill, and we took em down tothe Standard, and had a big time. Wen the show wos out, we went to aresterant, & had sum oysters. Wile we was etin them, I axt Maria who theGeorgie was who tuk her out. 

"Oh, " sez she, "he's a red hedded devil, wot wurks in the _Buster_offis, and aint a bit lik you. Ma likes him, and thinks he's orfulsteddy, and she aint frade to let me go eny place with him. He's mashedon me bad, and thinks I'm in luv with him, so he spends all his munneyon me, and I jest go with him, cos he takes me to ennything wot cumsalong. It's fun ter see him, he's so green, and besides, he never fixesup eny, and I'm gettin most ashamed to be seen on the strete with him. "

[Illustration: THEN I HAWLED OFF MY FALSE MUSTASH ]

By this time I was feelin purty bad, but I maneged to keep up and makeblieve I was feerful in love with her, and got her to promis never togo with Georgie agin. I had a bottel of perfume in my pocket, and jest'fore we left the restyrant, I put sum on the gals handkercheefs, then Ihawled off my false mustash, and soon Maria seen, I was her Georgie, andbegun a cryin lik her hart wuld brak. I felt sorry for her, but I toldher to dry up her eyes. I guess I must giv them the perfume out of theassyfitity bottel, cos, soon as she rubbed her face you never smelt sucha overpourin smell in all your life, we had to keep em at arms length, all the way hum, and if we'd ben the Zar of Russher, and Queen Victoria, combined, the peeple wouldnt hav givin us more room on the side walk. Ifelt sorry for them, cos they cryed, and felt so bad, all the way home, and, if I coulder got close enuf to Maria, without bein smutheredI'd kissed and made it all up. Its a blessin that her ma and pa's gotcatarrh orful bad, or there mite be war in her house. 

I'm goin to send her the follerin note in the morning, and next time Igo to see her I'll fix up a littel, cos a fellow can't blame a girl forgoin back on him if he don't think enuff of her to dress up neet:

 Dear Maria: I was orful greeved by your conduct, but seein that you're sorry I'll forgive you for all. I'll call round in a week, wot'll give you time enuf to smell swete agin, if you're careful to wash often, give yourself lots of air, and keep plenty of carbollick acid and cloride of lime scattered round were you are. 

 Beleeve me your ever lovin

 Georgie. 

CHAPTER XXV. 

 ADVERTISES A ARTICKEL WOT WAS FOUND. --WIMMIN'S WAYS. -- CLAMED. --IN DURANSE VILE FOR STEELIN A SHALL. --HAPPY EXPLERNASHUN AND INTERESTIN TABLOW. 

"The lady wot dropped a artickel of warin appairel in the Post Offis, last even-in, can have them by callin on the Devil at this offis andprovin property. "

The abuv is a advertisement wot I had put in the _Buster_ this mornin, and all day long I've ben kep busy attendin to the ansurs. The fustlady wot cum in had dropt a plume outer her hat. She giv me a fulldescripshun of it, wot it cost, and said she knowed it was hers wot I'dfound; and then I showed her the artickel and axt her if that was it. She blushed up orful red, and sailed outer the offis like I'd insultedher. Yesterday muster ben a orful bad day for wimmin loosin things inthe Post Offis, cos there's bout two hundred ben to the offis. Sum lostthere teeth, uthers there bangs, clokes, slippers, overshoes, gloves, skurts, hankercheefs, bussels, and most everything wot a woman couldpile on her; and I had to show every one of them the artickel wot wasfound, and axt them if that was it, and, curius enuf, every one went offmad and indignant. On towards nite I was jest beginnin to wonder wether, in a case like this, onhesty was the best pollysee, or wether it wouldntof payed better for me to hav tuk em home to ma; wen a madin ladie, ofdoutful age, come in to the offis, and sed: "Yung man, have they got C. D. Marked on the band. " I sed: "Yes, marm. "

"Well, they must be mine, cos my name's Carryline Duncan, & I alwus markmy cloes C. D. For short. I didn't kno I'd lost 'em til I got hum, afterI'd ben down to the Post offis sendin a letter to Tom; that's my fellerwots ben to China for ten yeres. "

Then I giv em to her, and puttin them under her arm, she walked out ashappy as culd be. 

I thot I was thru with my trubbel with wimmin's warin apparel for oneday, so I started hum. I'd ony got to the corner of Spruce street, wen agrate strappin perliceman cum up to me, and clappin me on the shoulder, sed: "I've got you, sunny, this time; cum along, now, or I'll be aftermakin you. " I seen discreshun was the better part of valler, so I lethim leed me. Wen we got to the stashun he preferred a charge of larcenygainst me. Then they axt me if I had eny bodie wot'd go my bale, soI got 'em to send for Mr. Gilley. Wen he arrove, he cum up to me, theteers streem-in down his cheeks, and sed: "Georgie, I'm sorry to see youin such a posishun, but you'd better pleed gilty, and axe mercy of thecort, cos they've got a sure case agen you. If you'd ony bin sharp enufto hide the property, it wouldn't ben so bad. " Jest then the lady wotthe shawl was stole from, come to identerfy it. Mr. Gilley & me waslookin on. The lady looked orful close, and sed that looked jest likeher shawl, wot was all black, ony this one didn't hav no yaller staneson the corner were she dropt the lemon juce on to hers. Mr. Gilleylooked at it close, and purty soon he sed: "Why, Georgie, that's ouroffis towl. " Then I seen all thru it in a minnit, cos there was the towlwot I'd been carryin home to get washed, and the per-liceman, seein theend stickin out from under my cote, and knowin that a black shawl hadbeen stole, arrested me as the theef. Then they had a big laff, and Mr. Gilley set em up for the crowd. He sed he knowd I was orful honorary, but he never culd b'leeve that I'd steel enything. 

CHAPTER XXVI. 

 THE DELINKENT SUBSCRIBER'S ARISTOCRAZEY IDEAS ON THE EDITTUR'S DIGESTIV ORGANS. --A NEW WAY TO COLLECT OLD DETS. 

There's a lot of fellers wot hav brown-stone manshuns up town, andFrench cooks wot dish em up everything good, from frogs' lim--er--legto the posterier xten-shun of a eel's spinal collum, frickerseed, withmushrum catchup sauce. B'sides that, they've got lots of munney in thebank, and wuldn't think no more of givin sum Anglo Saxton perfesshunalbeggar a thousand-dollar keepsake than they wuld of let-tin there folksgo to Longbransh or Newport durin the all-fired heeted turm. 

I dont mene, Mr. Diry, that all the welthy people of New York are alike, but I have refrense to that class of peeple wot are laberin under the'mpresshun that editoriel stummicks was patented, and bilt speshelly andxclusivly for the absorpshun and dijestshun of printin-house paste andwind puddins, with ritin-fluid sauce as a con-dyment and appytizer. These are the peepel who alwus allow there noosepaper bills toaccummerlate till they dropoff, and the edit-tur gives them a bang-upintroduckshun on there long jurney, in the hope that the adminnysteersof there estates'll allow his bill Feint hope that is, cos were was theadminnysteer that was ever known to acknowledge a noosepaper bill asgenwine. They all go on the princerpel "that all editturs is liars, andall big liars is editturs, " and take the same deduckshun, wot isalwus this: "A bill persented by a liar must be a lie, on its face ";therefore, it is unallowable. 

The reeson I've ben thus sollykisin, Mr. Diry, is, cos the expensesof the campane hav ben purty hevvy on Mr. Gilley, and yet havin had achanse to dip his fingers inter the State Tressurey, he was run-nin alittel short of funds. So this afternoon he give me a lot of old billsto collect. 

I found it purty had work, cos every-bodie 'peared to be perticklar fondof pay-in all there bills next week. I was gettin diseurraged, and Ididn't like to go back to the offis without no munney, so I thot up alittel skeem. There was a big flour deeler wot owd a bill of $40, wot'dgot outlored. So I went over to his offis and ast the clurk to tell himI wanted to see him on pertickler bisness. The clurk sed he was orful'ngaged, & I'd better call round next week, and praps he'd hav timeto tork to me. I insisted and told him to tell Mr. Paynuthin, that thebisness wot I warnted to see him on was a matter of immense importanseto himself. Soon as I got in, I sed: "Mr. Paynuthin, we've got on tosum very valuabel informashun, wot'll make your fortune, if the otherflourmen don't get it fust. Now, if you'll pay up this bill, I'll giv itto you at wonce, and you'll get the inside trak on 'em. " I seen he wasgettin interested, so I concluded, by sayin: "Now if you don't get thisin-formashun, it may leed to your ruin. " He didn't say a wurd, but wentto the safe, and got out the $40, and I receeted the bill, and axt himfor a peece of paper, cos he mite forget it if I didn't rite it down. Then I wrote in big letters: "Owe no man a cent, " and biddin him goodby, I took a hasty departure. The skeem work'd splendid every place I went, only at wun old lawyers offis, and he sed: "Yung man, I've been cheetin, fleecin and beetin everybodie for the last forty years, and there aintno noosepaper man livin wot can tell me eny eeseier way to mak afortune. Git out, " and I got. Mr. Gilley says I'm the boss collecttur, and orter hire myself out to a Mutual Life and Accident Asso-shiashun asassesment gatherer. 

CHAPTER XXVII. 

 MINSE PIE AND DREEMS. --TERRIBLE RETRYBUSHUN. --WOT'LL OVER TAKE A GOOD MENNY. --VIRTUE RECEIVES ITS REWARD. 

I guess the wurry of collecktin yesterday afternoon muster wurked uponmy mind, cos, last nite, I dremt a dreem, wot'd maid each seprate hareon the heds of every delikent subskriber stand on end, and sing out "Payup your noosepaper bill, old feller, if yer dont warnt a skorschin inthe dubius hereafter. "

Ma and Pa was out, cos it was prayer meetin nite at our church, so Iwent ter bed urley, cos I was frade wen they cum home, they'd miss thehull minse pie wot I'd ete. 

I'd just bout got ter sleep, wen I smelt a orful smell, surgestiv ofa straw hat revivin shop, wen they burn sulfir and brimstone, I lookeddown and behold, I seen a cort room, with a lot of lawyers and clurkssittin round a table, and the judge in a pulpit wot over looked them. The peepel all looked like Barnum's skellyton man, ony they didnt haveno skin over there bones, and there eyes was maid of fire balls and eechof em had a long tail, like a snake. Purty soon the judge sed the courtwas open for bisness, and the sargent at arms brot in a feller alldressed up with a gold wach and big charm wot I reckernized as one ofour ded beet subskri-bers wot'd dide last weak. 

The judge looked him all over in a com-plermenterry way, and ast him ifhe'd alwus lived a onhest and uprite life. 

"Yer onher, " sed he, "I've given of my substanse to the poor; I'veluved my nay-bor as myself; I've surved for ten years as Warden of afashunubble church, and tride to the best of my knowlege and beleef todo rite. "

"Yer onher, " sed the prosercutin turney, wot I reckernized as theex-religio-jurnalistick edittur of a defunckted alliance noosepaper, "May I ast the prisner a questshun?"

"You may, " sed Judge Satan, for it was his infurnissimo himself. 

"Prisner at the bar, " sed the turney, "Did you pay your subskripshun tothe _Buster_ 'fore you checked your baggage thru to Hay dies?"

"No, sir, " sed the prisner, "I did not. I never thot it was perticklar, cos editturs aint like other mortels, enyway, and I never knowd it was asin to beet em if you culd. "

"Yes, sir, yer onher, " said the prosercutin 'turney, "he confesses hisgilt, and I find, by lookin over the reckord, he ows the _Buster_ offisfor 8 years' subskripshun besides a hull string of free advertisin wotthe edittur giv him outer goodness of hart. Not only that, but I notisin the day book that jest wun week 'fore he departed he ordered hispaper stopped, cos he was opposed to surportin', by his munny, aDem-mercratick candydate for Guvner. You see, yer onher, there isnothing left for you but to pass sentense on the prisner. "

"Prisner at the bar, " sed the Judge, "this yere cort sentenses you tohard laber shuvlin' flames at a tempyrature of 6, 000 degrees, for 10, 000yares, durin' all wich time you will sing 'I want to be a angel, Andwith the editturs stand!' Shurruf, conduct the prisner to furnace number561, next to Gittoes. "

Soon as he'd gone, a cullered gentleman was brot in, and in ansur tothere quest-shuns as to his morral standing he sed:

"Jedge I knoes I'se a hard cityzen, and I've done gone and sinned purtynigh all the sins wot I know'd of. Steelin' fouls, hookin' nickles outerthe contrybushun box, 'propriatin' millyuns wot I'd no legal rite andtitel to, gettin' converted at camp meetin' so as I culd mash wun of. Them purty sistern, and other offenses too numer-ickel to menshun, butif this yere cort'U giv this nigger a sho, I'll try to leed a dif-frentlife. "

"Prisner, did you ever tak a noose-paper?" sed the Prosercutin' Turney. 

"Yes, sar; I'se skribed for the _Christshun Advercate_ for 'bout sixyares, and I've payed it up in advanse for most a yare to cum. "

"Bobby, my boy, " sed the cort to his rite hand man, "go order the cook, to kill the fatted ram, and prepare a bang up lay out, cos this herecullurd brother is a man, molded after my own hart. Shake, my man, "sed he, shovin his rite boney hand to the cullured feller's, "and afterwe've feested, and viserted my privat opra house, and taken in thenew skellyton bailey at-trackshuns, I'll driv yer thru my subteraneandomminyuns, fore you tak the xpress for Skie stashun, and you bet you'llsay this here devil aint as bad as he's painted, cos he knoes how toonher a distingushed guest. "

Then the seen vanished from my vishun, and I woke up, hollerin witha pane in my programme, and ma had ter get me a dose of brandie andginger, outer the flask, wot pa carries, when he goes a fishin. 

CHAPTER XXVIII. 

 AT THE STOCK EXCHANGE. --THE ENGAGEMENT. --FIRE IN THE SHECARGO UNIYUN DEPOT. --A OFFER FROM JAY GOULD. 

This mornin noose was sorter dull, so the city edittur sent me down tothe Stock Exchange for to write up the anticks of the Bulls and Bares. Wen I got down there I guess the annymiles hadn't got round, but therekeepers was purty numerous, and made a good deel more noise than theywould theirselves. I was showd up to the visters gallary, so as Iculd get a good vue of the fite wot was goin on tween the grangers andcoalers. The way they do there fitin puts me in mind of wen we use-tergo to skule, cos they chew up a lot of paper, and make spit balls outerit, and then paste each other on the eyes with them. Jay Gould is thename of a littel bit of a feller, he aint much in size, but he's halecolumby wen it comes rite down to spit ball fites, cos he pasted oldRussel Sage and Vandybilt outer ther boots, hittin fare in the eyesevery time. 

Wen they was gettin purty well tired out, a lot of fellers wot was"hit, " cum out, and the other formed rings round them and sung a songwot sounded like it was maid up of five 8s and three 1/4 s. I shuldthink theyd be ashamed of theirselves, grate big men, spendin there timeplayin a game wot Boys, as big as me, wuldn't do for a nickel. I seenthey was disgracin us, New Yorkers, so I thot it was time to put a stopto it, and bring em down to bisness, so I sung out orful loud:

"Gintelmin: Thurs a big fire in the Uniyun Depot in Sheecargo. " Thenthey all looked up to see who was talkin, and reckernized me, asconnected with the _Buster_. You'd dide, to see em flyin round; thefellers wot do the bullin was purty neer crazey, coverin up therestocks, with margin's. Stocks come flyin down, like litenin, and thebarish porshun of the compenney, was makin a immense pile of munney. The country lams wot the Bulls and bares had been fleecin, so as therewives, & gals culd have wool enuf, to stuff the footstools with, wotthey was makin for Chrissmas boxes, hurd wot I sed, and tumbeled to it, and sold all the Western trunk stocks. I didn't say nothing till Iseen thay'd got a good deal onter the bulls, then I sung out agen, "Gentelmen, The big fire wot, I sed, was in the Uniyun Depot, atSheecargo, is still burnin fiercely, in the heeter, wots lokated in theseller. "

I didn't wate to say good by, cos the fire-like gleem wot gleemed atme from bout a hundred pares of eyes, boded no good for the _Busters_devil. 

Wen I got back to the offis a note was watin for me, wot red:

 Dare Devil--You've mistakin your callin. A sensashunalist like yurself orter stick to the spesshialty bisness. If you'll quit the noosepa-per perfesshun, I'll form a syndycate, and run you as a stock hammerer, and gin you half the proffits. 

 Yours very trooly, Gould. 

I assure you, Mr. Diry, the temptashun was purty strong, but I thot ofmy integrity and princerples, and rote:

 Sur--I prefer my present persisshun of hammerin branes inter the publick to that of hammerin stocks. Not all the syndycates of 'Merica wuld temp me to relinquish my onherabel con-necshuns with the _Dailey Buster_. 

 Yours trooly, Devil. 

CHAPTER XXIX. 

 HE CALLS ON MARIA AND PRONOUNSES HER FRAGRANT. --AT A CHURCH SUPPER. --BENERVOLENSE REWARDED. ----A EPPYDEMMICK. 

Last nite I went over to call on Maria. I thot I'd be prepared, so Iwashed myself in ma's lavender water, and sprinkeled oh de coloney allover my does. Wen I nocked at Marias dore, I stepped down off the stepsand wated for her appairanse. At last she cum, and blushed up orful wenI ast her if it was all rite. She sed she didnt kno, cos she'd got soused to it she culdnt tell, but she thot it was all rite, cos she'd benstandin 'tween two open winders for the weak, and if it warnt gone bythis time, she guest it'd stick to her for life. I walked up a littelcloser to her, and sed: "Maria, cum here. " She cum, and caushusly andcarefully I put my knoes neer her, and sure enuf I culdnt smell nothinbut a slite oder of cloride of lime and a lingerin of carbollick acid. Then I kissed her and maid her get fixed up, cos we was goin to reporta oyster supper wot cum off at the U. P. Church. Wen Maria and me gotthere most everybodie had ete there plate of hot water, wot the churchwardin'd had settin down on one of the oyster stalls at Fulton Marketfor bout a weak, so as it'd inhail a sa very flaver. Soon as Maria andme had got thru our plate, the 'xcitement begun, and the ladies all brotround there books for to hav us giv em 10 cents, and put down our namesfor a chanse in the one lonesum oyster wot the stew had ben maid of. Wenthe wimmin had fleeced all the fellers outer every cent they had, andmaid em turn there pockets inside out, so as to be sure they warnt tryinto keep back eny five dollar bills, the preecher got up on a platformand draw'd a number out of a hat full, wot a littel gal held over herhed. 'Fore he red out the number, he called on one of the deecons tooffer up a prayer, that the Lord mite open up the hart of the luckydrawer, to donate the oyster to the church, so as they culd hold anuther supper, without incurrin eny more such 'xtravergant 'xpenses. 

Then the minnysteer sed 46 was the number, wot he'd drawed out, andthat it stood oppsite Mr. Wylie's name. Now, Mr. Wylie is a orful richbanker, and is always donatin things to the church, so he got rite upand sed, he'd giv it to the good cause. 

Then there was some cheerin' and every body crowded round the gasolinestove to wach the cook deposit the oyster in a can, so it culd be stovvdaway in the Wardins Buggler proof safe. After delvin round the bottom ofthe pot for sum time the ladel cum up, with its assthetick freight, theblack and green speckled tode, wot I'd slipped inter the stue, wile theprayer was goin up. 

Sumthin muster ben Eppydemic in that church, cos everybodie, xceptin meand Maria, got to coffin and spuein up, and prayin Good Lord deliver us. 

CHAPTER XXX. 

 THE DEVIL'S OCCUPASHUN GONE. --POLLYTISHUN OR JURNERLIST. -- PLANS FOR THE FUTURE. --ADDYOU. 

I aint no devil no more, cos this mornin Mr. Gilley informed me that Iwas gettin too big for my persishun, and he'd hired a nuther boy toact as the _Busters_ Devil. He sez I can fuie round and act in thecuppaserty of missellaneus reporter, and rite up eny thing I think wurthwile, till it was time for us to go to Albanie and get inaugerated. Thenhe'd warnt me to act as his Privat Seckertery, cos he knowed I had hisinterest at hart, and was discrete enuf not to give him away. 

I don't kno yet wether I'd better axcept his offer to become apollytishun, cos I've got my mind set on the jurnerlistick perfesshun, and its bout the eesiest way to mak a fortune and a name wot I culd get. 

I'll think over the matter, Mr. Diry, and if I can't get a situashunas a Washinton gossipper or a job on the _Herald_, to rite up theabberiginies of Cannadey, I may go on to Albanie, and rite up all thetriks of the pollytishuns, jest to keep myself in pracktiss til we goouter offis. 

I must close, Mr. Diry, cos I'm goin down to the hotel to intervueCurnel Bob, Ingysoll, and see if a feller like me wuldn't stand sumsho to make munny and a big name, if he was to start out as a "genuinedevil" brok loose from Haydies. 

 And you, mister, remember if I ain't no longer a typergraffickal devil, I still am, Yours trooly, Georgie.