"The Fotygraft Album" Shown to the New Neighbor byRebecca Sparks PetersAged Eleven [Illustration] Drawings and Text byFrank Wing ChicagoThe Reilly & Britton Co. Copyright, 1915byThe Reilly & Britton Co. First Edition Published May 7, 1915Second Edition Published Aug. 23, 1915Third Edition Published Nov. 10, 1915Fourth Edition Published Dec. 15, 1915Fifth Edition Published Jan. 5, 1916Sixth Edition Published May 1, 1916Seventh Edition Published Sept. 1, 1916 [Illustration: "TURN OVER"] "Why, how d'do, Mrs. Miggs? Come right on in. Ma's jist run over t'Smith's a minute t' borruh some thread and some m'lasses and a couple uhaigs. Aw! yes, come on--she'll be right back. Let's see: S'pose we set onth' sofa and I'll show yuh th' album, so's yuh'll kinda begin t' know someof our folks. We like t' be real neighborly and make new folks feel t'home. There! now we're fixed. "This here first one's ma when she was little. Ain't she cute? Her UncleSeth kep' a store up t' Davenport and he give her them furs. Real mink, Ithink it was. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's Aunt Mary Jane Darnell. Her jimpson-weed salve and peachperserves was th' best he ever see, pa says. She couldn't abide a man thatprimped. " [Illustration] "Them's grampa and gramma Sparks, ma's pa and ma. Grampa liked bees andmade lots of money off'm honey. He was awful good t' gramma. "Ma says you kin allus trust a bee man. " [Illustration] "Here's Ferdinand Ashur Peebles, a favorite cousin of ma's. He ain't gotmuch time fer them 't ain't so good as what he is, so pa don't like him sovery well. Says he's a hippercrit. One time ma was showin' this pitchuret' somebody and she says, 'This is a boy we're proud of: Cousin Ferd, fullof good works--' 'and prunes, ' pa puts in, and it made ma awful mad. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "Them's pa's pa and ma, grampa 'n' gramma Peters. Jist look at her feet!All her folks toes in--even pa, some, but he denies it. Grampa's got aturribul temper. Onct he was up in a tree a-sawin' out limbs and a littlebranch scratched him onto his head and he turned round quick's a wink, a-snarlin', and bit it right smack off. Fact!" [Illustration] "That's Sophrony Ann Gowdey, kind of a distant cousin of ma's. She'sgifted weth th' secont sight. Onct when grampa lost his false teeth theycalled her in and she set right here in this room and tranced and after abit she woke up suddent and says, wild like, 'Seek ye within th' well!'she says; so they done it, but they didn't find 'm. But only a weekafterwards, when they cleaned th' cistern, there them teeth was. Pa says, 'Well, anyhow, Phrony knowed they was in th' damp, ' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's Uncle Mel Burgstresser. Don't he look like Charles Dickens, th'great Scotch poet, though? I think he does, exactly. He's ma's uncle, buthe's sich a nice man that even pa likes him. They can't nobody help likin'him, he's so nice; but ever'body laughs at him, he says sich blunderin'things sometimes. Onct when Aunt Alviny (that's his wife) was a-makin'oyster soup, Uncle Mel he come and looked over her shoulder and says, 'Putlots o' water in it, mother, 'cause I'm hungry, ' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's my cousin, Willie Sparks, same age as me--but not when thatpitchure was took. He wasn't only 9 then. Don't he look awful meek? Butmebbe you think he ain't got a temper! One time when his pa come home fromwork after dark and Willie ain't got his chores done, he scolded him, andwhen Willie brung in th' coal fer th' kitchen stove he was cryin' and hejist hauls off, he's s' mad, and kicks th' stove an awful welt, and says, 'Yuh will burn coal, will yuh!' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's ma's cousin, Rebecca, and her man, took th' day they was married. Him and her quarreled somethin' awful, she gener'ly havin' th' upper hand. I was named after her. " [Illustration] "That there's Peletiah Parrett, a friend of pa's since they was boys. He's a singin' school teacher and he's been to our house lots of times, but he lives at Ohio. He kin sing awful good. You'd jist ort t' hear himsing--well, I fergit what th' name of th' piece is but it goes like this: "'Three dretful groans he heered And then her ghost appeared From head t' foot besmeared Weth purple gore. '" [Illustration] "Pa's cousin Stella, dressed up in some of her ma's old clothes fer amask ball. Pa drawed in that streak and that printin'. He's a reg'larartist and he ain't never had a lesson in his life, neither. "He calls this pitchure 'Stella as Ajax defyin' th' lightnin'!'" [Illustration] "Here's Deacon Samuel Phillips. He married ma's greatuncle Myron's widow, but I don't know what relation that makes him t' us. He's an awful goodman, but clost. Pa says onct he got an awful jolt t' Chicago, where himand some other men went t' sell their stock. It seems that after they gottheir tradin' done they went down town t' one of them stylish hotels ferdinner. Deacon hadn't never been in one of them places before and didn'tknow nothin' 'bout 'm. There was breaded veal cutlets on th' bill-of-fareand Deacon liked 'm, so he ordered 'm, along with a lot of other stuff, without noticin' th' price. Bimeby th' bill come, and it was fertwo-fifty. 'Two-fifty!' the deacon hollers. 'Why Heck! man, I kin buy acalf fer that money!' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "Ma's cousins, Delmer and Beezum Morse. 'Th' Sausage Brothers, ' pa calls'm, 'count of their shape. But they're awful stout, and good rasslers, both of 'm, 'specially th' littlest one, Delmer. Onct him and Beezum gott' rasslin' in th' parlor and Delmer throwed Beezum in th' coal box andbroke his rib. " [Illustration] "That's pa's Aunt Amanda Merritt Burrows. Me and my brother Frank allusrun and hide when we see her comin', 'cause she allus kisses a feller andwants 'm t' pick her some berries, or somethin'. That's her long suit, though, as pa says--berries. Pa says she won't be happy in parrydisewithout they've got berries there; says he bets there'll be a great oldscramblin' amongst th' angels, too, t' keep from gittin' kissed. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "Ed and Charley Peters, pa's cousins down t' Peory. They're th'stylishest relations we got. " [Illustration] "Wilbur Peebles, that is. He's ma's cousin. Ain't he got funny hair? Onetime he went t' sleep in meetin' and pa took and done up his hair wethyalluh ribbons off'm cigars. Pa says Wilbur looked awful comical--jistlike a horse's mane at th' fair. And Wilbur's awful absent minded. Onct hewas t' our house alone and he decided he'd go down town, so he left a notet' let ma know. It said, 'Gone down town. Will be back at five. Have hidkey under mat. ' Wasn't that silly? "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's my little cousin, Johnnie Aiken, down t' Brimfield. Ain't hecute? He's jist th' worst little feller t' ast questions yuh ever see. Andth' funniest ones! Onct th' persidin' elder was t' their house and hehadn't no more'n said th' blessin' till Johnnie ups and says, 'Say, pa, how fur kin a cat spit?' he says. " [Illustration] "That's Aunt Minervy Hopkins, pa's aunt. She believed in sperrits. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "Uncle Jed Doty and his wife, Aunt Phoebe. He's ma's half-brother andhe's an awful good singer. Ust t' travel weth Doc Lighthall. He'shandsome, too, I think; but Aunt Phoebe ain't very. Ma says she ust t' beawful purty till after she had th' rheumatism s' bad, but pa says heguesses she must a-had it before ever he see her. " [Illustration] "Cousin Willie Peebles, a nice little feller, but funny. That there jawain't swelled. Jist nacherul. Pa says Willie's th' mumpiest lookin' boy heever see. " [Illustration] "Uncle Charley Sparks, that is. He's awfully witty. Onct when Aunt Katesaid she liked a clock fer company, its tick was s' comfortin', and grammasaid she liked a dog better, Uncle Charley he ups and says, 'Would yuhwant th' dog t' have ticks, ma?' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's Uncle Abner Sedley. He's th' most stubborn person in our fambly, even if he is a preacher. One time last winter he got awful mad at achurch meetin' 'cause things didn't go his way and stomped out, yellin', 'My hands is clear; I wash my skirts of th' whole matter!' he says. Thenhe found he'd fergot his specs and he had t' sneak back in and git 'm, weth ever'body snickerin'. I guess he felt purty cheap. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's my cousin, Edna Sparks. She ain't very smart and she's got avoice that's a terror to snakes, but her ma thinks she kin sing and'sallus sickin' her on t' do it. Pa says onct th' silly thing says when herma was urgin' her before comp'ny, 'Aw, ma, I can't sing, my hands ischapped. ' I don't believe she ever done it, though. Jist another of pa'sjokes, I bet. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's ma's brother, Uncle Billy Sparks. Ain't he handsome? Jist take alook at them eyes. And he's smart, too--smart as Uncle Charlie, purtynigh. Onct his mother-in-law come t' see 'em and staid a long time and wasawful cross and Uncle Billy got tired of it and took and put a wad ofcotton in her ear trumpet so she couldn't hear a thing, and she thoughtshe was goin' plumb deef and left that day fer home to see her doctor. Wasn't that cute of him?" [Illustration] "That there's ma's greatuncle Peter. He was awful well off, and proud ofit. Onct when th' minister was raisin' money t' pay fer th' new church hepreached and he preached, right at Uncle Pete, purty nigh, and bimebyUncle Pete he got up from his front corner seat and turned round towardth' people and hollered, 'I'll give another hunderd dollars t' th' Lord, and yuh all know I kin pay it!' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's Uncle Jerry Sparks, ma's brother. He was a lieutenant ofartil'ry. Pa says ef he was a rebel and seen Uncle Jerry comin' weth that'spression onto his mug he wouldn't only hit th' high places. " [Illustration] "That's Evans Billhorn, a cousin of ma's by his first wife. He ust t'keep a butcher shop down t' Peory and he was so strong he could throw downa steer. Onct pa made a mistake talkin' t' Evans. Evans was a-braggin''bout how he could rassle, and pa ups and says, 'Huh! you couldn't thrownothin' but a fit, ' he says. Say! it never took less 'n two doctors t' fixall th' things about pa that was broke. " "Still, Evans is most awful clumsy, too. One time when he was t' our househe knocked off a real cluny vase of ma's and broke it and his wife says, 'Evans Billhorn, th' next time I take you anywheres I'll crate yuh!' shesays. Pa kep' a piece of that vase fer a long time. 'Pore fellersuff'rer, ' he called it. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's Perfessor Tweedie. He teaches penmanship and he knows Shakespearebetter 'n, old Mahomet knowed th' Koran, pa says. Ain't he a hairy feller, though? Onct him 'n Frank Mendenhall was a-doin' Brutus and Cassiuswrapped up in sheets in Liberty Hall and when Prof says, 'Here is muhdagger and here muh naked breast, ' pa hollers out, 'Git a shave, Prof!'Well, sir, it purty nigh busted up th' show. " [Illustration] "That's Cousin Flora Burgstresser. She's th' belle of Beardstown. Herhair's so long she kin set on it. Onct a hair tonic company offered her apile of money--most a hunderd dollars--fer her pitchure fer theiradver-tise-ment, but she wouldn't. "Them society ladies don't like notority. " [Illustration] "That's Winfield Scott Zachary Taylor Peebles, ma's cousin. He was namedfer two heroes of th' rev-lutionary war, I think it was; anyway, he couldallus think of th' noblest things t' say! Onct when he was in th' war anofficer died and they put Cousin Win in his place, so that's how he got t'be a corporal. First thing he says was, after th' president or whoever itwas give him th' place, 'Boys, ' he says, 'if I fall in this day's battle, march over muh dead corpse as you would that of a common private!' hesays. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "Uncle Adoniram Burgstresser, ma's uncle. He was a farmer and hardshellpreacher. Onct when ma says, 'Uncle Ad was a power!' pa says, 'Git out!You don't mean power, you mean pow-wower. ' That made ma purty mad, I tellyou. Uncle Ad was awful clost. One time he went into a hardware store t'git a tin cup and after he'd looked careful at sev'ral he says, 'How muchis this one?' 'Nickel, ' says th' storekeeper. Then Uncle Ad says, 'Is'pose yuh make th' usual reduction t' th' clergy?' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That there's Emma Beale. She's an awful nice, refined lady. Why, onetime when her pa was a-runnin' a tailor shop and Emma was workin' there, pa took a pair of pants t' have 'm pressed fer a weddin' and when he wentt' git 'm Emma says, 'Mr. Peters, ' she says, 'did you know there was ahole in one of th' limbs of yer trousers?' she says. And pa, he jisthaw-hawed right in her face, th' old coarse thing!" [Illustration] "I don't know who them fellers are, 'cept that big one in front there. That's Ole Ensgaard. Ust t' be my Uncle Joe's hired man. Afterwards hewent up t' Dakota and got 'lected t' th' legislature. Pa says he was awfulgreen and they told him all he'd need t' do was t' write Mr. Jim Hill t'let him know he was there and he'd git a railroad pass. So Ole writes, 'Mester Yim Hill, Sen-ta Pole: Ay ban har--Ole Ensgaard, ' and Mr. Hillwrites right back: 'Ay ban har, too. --Yim Hill. ' Uncle Charley Sparks, hesays that there's a stock story. Says he's heard it told about a thousanddiffer'nt fellers. Ma calls pa and Uncle Charley 'th' arrival wits. ' Saysthey're kinda jealous of each other. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That there's my cousin, Alvy Burgstresser, weth his cornet. He plays inth' choir. First time pa heard 'm he says when he come home, 'That choir'll never succeed till they dehorn Alvy, ' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's ma's brother-in-law, Livingston Burney, out t' Kansas. He's adoctor, when he ain't out talkin' politics, which ain't often. He don'thalf pervide fer his fambly and onct his boy run away and went clean t'Chicago to my Aunt Sarah's and when she wrote Burney about it he sent backa sassy letter, sayin', 'I'll have you know, madam, that I'm th' father ofth' pop'list party in Kansas. ' Aunt Sade set right down and wrote himback, 'If you ain't a better father t' th' party, ' she says, 'than you'vebeen t' this boy, the party's in a bad way, ' she says. " [Illustration] "That's Mrs. Bemrose and her daughter, Lucreshy. They ust t' liveneighbors t' us, but now they've moved t' Yates City. Mrs. Bemrose is adaisy musician. You'd jist ort t' hear her sing, "'Oh, th' dirty little coward That shot Doctor Howard And laid Jesse James in his grave. '" [Illustration] "Them's Willie and Freddie Sparks. They was cute little fellers but it'sawful t' think th' way they turned out, pa says. Willie's an editor andFreddie's a lawyer, and they work together jist fine. Willie gits intotrouble, and Freddie, he gits him out. " [Illustration] "Perfessor Leander Crabb, that is. He's principal of th' Ellumwood highschool and he's a tumble coffee drinker--two quart a day when he waswritin' his book, 'Tokens of Hope, or Is This, Then, All?' Pa, he readth' book through, then he says, 'Well, I hope it is, ' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "Them's ma's cousin Peter and his wife and baby, down t' Beardstown. Heain't handsome but he's an awful good man. Pa says onct Cousin Pete was toa party where there was a game t' give a prize t' th' one what'd make th'homeliest face, and th' judge walked right over t' Pete and give him th'prize, and Pete says, supprised like, 'Why, I ain't begun yit, ' he says. Ireckon it never reely happened; jist one of pa's jokes, I guess. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's Cousin Charlie Freemantle--pa's cousin, he is. He's a rollin'stone--first one place, then another; never satisfied and never gittin'nothin' ahead. He ust t' be allus comin' 'round tellin' where he was goin'next and what big things he was goin' t' do when he got there, till ma gotmost awful tired of it and says t' him, 'Charlie, ' she says, 'did yuh everreflect that wherever yuh go yuh take yerself weth yuh?' she says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's Mr. And Mrs. Bundy. He was a nice man but she's quarrelsomer 'nall git out. Don't she look jist like a settin' hen? Onct when Mr. Bundydied why Mrs. Prescott that moved t' Peory she wrote Mrs. Bundy a realnice letter of consolence, I guess it is yuh call it--anyway, Mrs. Bundyfired up, quicker 'n a wink, and says, 'Uh-huh!' she says, 'well, that'sall very nice but it don't pay fer that there spade and waterin' pot themPrescotts borruhed off 'm us and never brung back. I'll learn that tribethey can't soft-soap me!' she says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's Bige Turner. He ust t' work in th' print shop fer pa and hecertainly was a bad aig, I want yuh t' know. Onct he slep' out on th'sidewalk in front of th' shop all night and pa took and tacked his clothesdown all around and when Bige woke up next day he tried t' git up andcouldn't and it scairt him most t' death and he hollered, 'Gosh! help! I'mparalyzed, ' he says. 'Oh, no yuh ain't, Bige, ' pa says, 'but you wasyisteddy. ' "Turn over. " [Illustration] "That's Aunt Min, pa's sister, when she was a girl. She was awful goodlookin'--is yet, fer that matter. But she ain't never been no housekeeper. Onct pa picked up a shirt she'd been mendin' and took a look at it andsays, 'I'd hate like thunder t' have t' reap as Min sews, ' he says. "Turn over. " [Illustration] "And that's pa, put in last fer 'a Garrison finish, ' as he says, whateverthat means. Honest, now, he don't look a bit like you thought he would, does he? But you could tell he was a wit, though, couldn't yuh? Jist lookat them little, shrewd eyes! This pitchure was took when he was editor ofth' Argus, before he made his money out of land and insurance. One time, while he was editin', a publisher sent him an adver-tise-ment of a bookthat told all about how t' run a newspaper and pa he set right down andwrote 'm back they might as well try t' sell a book of travels t' th'Wanderin' Jew. "That's all--and there's ma a-comin' up th' walk. We got a bigger album 'nthis 'n upstairs, som'ers, though. Come over some time and I'll show yuhthat 'n. "Tah-tah! See yuh later. " [Illustration] [Illustration] [Illustration]