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[Illustration: Henry Howard]

"The portrait of Surrey which is now at Hampton Court, and which isattributed to Holbein, though probably by his imitator, Guillim Stretes, apparently dates from a period when he was a very young man. It is avaluable and highly interesting picture; especially in regard to thedress, which, except for the white shirt, embroidered with Moresquework, is entirely red, and with the flat red cap, red shoes ornamentedwith studs of gold, the richly chased dagger and sword, is an admirableexample of the gorgeous style of costume prevalent at Court at thelatter end of the reign of Henry VIII, 'Law's History of Hampton CourtPalace in Tudor Times. '"

THE VNFORTUNATE TRAVELLER OR THE LIFE OF JACK WILTON: WITH AN ESSAY ONTHE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF THOMAS NASH BY EDMUND GOSSE

London Printed And Issued By Charles Whittingham & Co At The ChiswickPress MDCCCXCII

 Contents. 

 An Essay on the Life and Writings of Thomas Nash

 The Dedication to the Earl of Southampton

 To the Gentlemen Readers

 The Induction to the Pages of the Court

 The Unfortunate Traveller

AN ESSAY ON THE LIFE AND WRITINGS OF THOMAS NASH. 

It is mainly, no doubt, but I hope not exclusively, an antiquarianinterest which attaches to the name of Thomas Nash. It would beabsurd to claim for a writer so obscure a very prominent place in theprocession of Englishmen of letters. His works proclaim by their extremerarity the fact that three centuries of readers have existed cheerfullyand wholesomely without any acquaintance with their contents. At thepresent moment, the number of those living persons who have actuallyperused the works of Nash may probably be counted on the fingers oftwo hands. Most of these productions are uncommon to excess, one or twoexist in positively unique examples. There is no use in arguing againstsuch a fact as this. If Nash had reached, or even approached, thehighest order of merit, he would have been placed, long ere this, withinthe reach of all. Nevertheless, his merits, relative if not positive, were great. In the violent coming of age of Elizabethan literature, his voice was heard loudly, not always discordantly, and with an accenteminently personal to himself. His life, though shadowy, has elements ofpicturesqueness and pathos; his writings are a storehouse of oddity andfantastic wit

It has been usual to class Nash with the Precursors of Shakespeare, anduntil quite lately it was conjectured that he was older than Greene andPeele, a contemporary of Lodge and Chapman. It is now known that hewas considerably younger than all these, and even than Marlowe andShakespeare. Thomas Nash, the fourth child of the Rev. William Nash, whoto have been curate of Lowestoft in Suffolk, was baptized in thattown in November, 1567. The Nashes continued to live in Lowestoft, wherethe father died in 1603, probably three years after the death of his sonThomas. Of the latter we hear nothing more until, in October, 1582, atthe age of fifteen, he matriculated as a sizar of St. John's College, Cambridge. Cooper says that he was admitted a scholar on the LadyMargaret's foundation in 1584. He remained at Cambridge, in unbrokenresidence, until July, 1589, "seven year together, lacking a quarter, "as he tells us positively in "Lenten Stuff. "

Cambridge was the hotbed of all that was vivid and revolutionary inliterature at that moment, and Robert Greene was the centre of literaryCambridge. When Nash arrived, Greene, who was seven years his senior, was still in residence at his study in Clare Hall, having returned fromhis travels in Italy and Spain, ready, in 1583, to take his degree asmaster of arts. He was soon, however, to leave for London, and it isunlikely that a boy of sixteen would be immediately admitted tothe society of those "lewd wags" who looked up to the alreadydistinguished Greene as to a master. But Greene, without doubt, madefrequent visits to his university, and on one of these was probablyformed that intimate friendship with Nash which lasted until near theelder poet's death. Marlowe was at Corpus, then called Benet College, during five years of Nash's residence, but it is by no means certainthat their acquaintance began so early. It is, indeed, in the highestdegree tantalizing that these writers, many of whom loved nothing betterthan to talk about themselves, should have neglected to give us theinformation which would precisely be most welcome to us. A dozen whole"Anatomies of Absurdity" and "Supplications of Pierce Penniless"might be eagerly exchanged for a few pages in which the literary life ofCambridge from 1582 to 1589 should be frankly and definitely described. 

It has been surmised that Nash was ejected from the university in 1587. His enemy, Gabriel Harvey, who was extremely ill-informed, gives thisaccount of what occurred:--

"[At Cambridge], (being distracted of his wits) [Nash] fell into diversemisdemeanours, which were the first steps that brought him to thispoor estate. As, namely, in his fresh-time, how he flourished in allimpudency towards scholars, and abuse to the townsmen; insomuch that tothis day the townsmen call every untoward scholar of whom there is greathope, _a very Nash_. Then, being bachelor of arts, which by great labourhe got, to show afterwards that he was not unworthy of it, had a hand ina show called _Terminus et non terminus_; for the which his partner init was expelled the college; but this foresaid Nash played in it (as Isuppose) the Varlet of Clubs. .. . Then suspecting himself that he shouldbe stayed for _egregie dunsus_, and not attain to the next degree, saidhe had commenced enough, and so forsook Cambridge, being bachelor of thethird year. "

But, even in this poor gossip, we find nothing about ejection. Nash'sextraordinary abuse of language is probably the cause of that report. In1589, in prefacing his "Anatomy of Absurdity, " he remarked:--

"What I have written proceeded not from the pen of vainglory, but fromthe process of that pensiveness, which two summers since overtook me;whose obscured cause, best known to every name of curse, hath compelledmy wit to wander abroad unregarded in this satirical disguise, andcounselled my content to dislodge his delight from traitors' eyes. "

That the young gentleman meant something by these sentences, it is onlycharitable to suppose; that he could have been intelligible, even tohis immediate contemporaries, is hardly to be believed. This "obscuredcause" has been taken to be, by some, his removal from the University, and, by others, his entanglement with a young woman. It is perhapssimpler to understand him to say that the ensuing pamphlet was written, in consequence of an intellectual crisis, in 1587, when he was twentyyears of age. 

At twenty-two, at all events, we find him in London, beginning hiscareer as a man of letters. His first separate publication seems to havebeen the small quarto in black letter from which a quotation has justbeen made. This composition, named an "Anatomy" in imitation of severalthen recent popular treatises of a similar title, is only to be pardonedon the supposition that it was a boyish manuscript prepared at college. It is vilely written, in the preposterous Euphuism of the moment;the style is founded on Lyly, the manner is the manner of Greene, andWhetstone in his moral "Mirrors" and "Heptamerons" has supplied thematter. The "absurdity" satirized in this jejune and tedious tract isextravagant living of all kinds. The author attacks women with greatvehemence, but only in that temper which permitted the young Juvenalsof the hour to preach against wine and cards and stageplays with intensezeal, while practising the worship of all these with equal ardour. "TheAnatomy of Absurdity" is a purely academic exercise, interesting onlybecause it shows, in the praise of Sidney and the passage in defence ofpoetry, something of the intellectual aptitude of the youthful writer. 

In the same year, and a little earlier, Nash published an address "tothe gentlemen students of both universities, " as a preface to a romanceby Greene. Bibliographers describe a supposititious "Menaphon" of 1587, which nobody has ever seen; even if such an edition existed, it iscertain that Nash's address was not prefixed to it, for the styleis greatly in advance of his boyish writing of that year. It is aninteresting document, enthusiastic and gay in a manner hardly to be metwith again in its author, and diversified with graceful praise of StJohn's College, defence of good poetry, and wholesome ridicule of thosewho were trying to introduce the "Thrasonical huffsnuff" style of whichPhaer and Stanihurst were the prophets. 

Still in 1589, but later in the year, Nash is believed to have thrownhimself into that extraordinary clash of theological weapons which iscelebrated as the Martin Marprelate Controversy. As is well known, thispamphlet war grew out of the passionate resentment felt by the Puritansagainst the tyrannical acts of Whitgift and the Bishops. The actualcontroversy has been traced back to a defence of the establishment ofthe Church, by the Dean of Sarum, on the one hand, and a treatise byJohn Penry the Puritan, on the other, both published in 1587. In 1588followed the violent Puritan libel, called "Martin Marprelate, " secretlyprinted, and written, perhaps, by a lawyer named Barrow. Towards theclose of the dispute several of the literary wits dashed in upon theprelatical side, and denounced the Martinists with exuberant highspirits. Among these Nash was long thought to have held a very prominentplace, for the two most brilliant tracts of the entire controversy, "Pap with an Hatchet, " 1589, and "An Almond for a Parrot, " 1590, wereconfidently attributed to him. These are now, however, clearly perceivedto be the work of a much riper pen, that, namely, of Lyly. 

It is probable that the four anonymous and privately printed tracts, which Dr. Grosart has finally selected, do represent Nash's share inthe Marprelate Controversy, although in one of them, "Martin's Month'sMind, " I cannot say that I recognize his manner. The "Countercuff, "published in August, 1589, from Gravesend, shows a great advance inpower. The academic Euphuism has been laid aside; images and trains ofthought are taken from life and experience instead of from books. In"Pasquils Return, " which belongs to October of the same year, the authorinvents the happy word "Pruritans" to annoy his enemy, and speaks, probably in his own name, but perhaps in that of Pasquil, of a visitto Antwerp. "Martin's Month's Mind, " which is a crazy piece of fustian, belongs to December, 1589, while the fourth tract, "Pasquil's Apology, "appeared so late as July, 1590. The smart and active pen whichskirmishes in these pamphlets adds nothing serious to the considerationof the tragical controversy in which it so lightly took part. It amusedand trained Nash to write these satires, but they left Udall none theworse and the Bishops none the better. The author repeatedly promises torehearse the arguments on both sides and sum up the entire controversyin a "May-Game of Martinism, " of which we hear no more. 

During the first twelve months of Nash's residence in London hewas pretty busily employed. It is just conceivable that six smallpublications may have brought in money enough to support him. But afterthis we perceive no obvious source of income for some considerabletime. How the son of a poor Suffolk minister contrived to live inLondon throughout the years 1590 and 1591, it is difficult to imagine. Certainly not on the proceeds of a single pamphlet. It is not crediblethat Nash published much that has not come down to us. Perhaps a tracthere and there may have been lost. {1} He probably subsisted by hangingon to the outskirts of education. Perhaps he taught pupils, more likelystill he wrote letters. We know, afterall, too little of the manners ofthe age to venture on a reply to the question which constantly imposesitself, How did the minor Elizabethan man of letters earn a livelihood?In the case of Nash, I would hazard the conjecture, which is borne out, I think, by several allusions in his writings, that he was a reader tothe press, connected, perhaps, with the Queen's printers, or with thoseunder the special protection of the Bishops. 

 1 One long narrative poem, the very name of which is too coarse to quote, was, according to Oldys, certainly published; but of this no printed copy is known to exist. John Davies of Hereford says that "good men tore that pamphlet to pieces. " I owe to the kindness of Mr. A. H. Bullen the inspection of a transtript of a very corrupt manuscript of this work. 

His only production in 1591, so far as we know, was the insignificanttract called "A Wonderful Astrological Prognostication, " by "AdamFouleweather. " This has been hastily treated as a defence of "thedishonoured memory" of Nash's dead friend Greene against GabrielHarvey. But Greene did not die till the end of 1592, and in the"Prognostication" there is nothing about either Greene or Harvey. Thepamphlet is a quizzical satire on the almanac-makers, very much in thespirit of Swift's Bickerstaff "Predictions" a hundred years later. Of more importance was a preface contributed in this same year to SirPhilip Sidney's posthumous "Astrophel and Stella. " In this short essayNash reaches a higher level of eloquence than he had yet achieved, and, in spite of its otiose redundancy, this enthusiastic eulogy of Sidney ispleasant reading. 

In 1592, doubtless prior to the death of Greene, Nash published theearliest of his important books, the volume entitled "Pierce Pennilesshis Supplication to the Devil. " This is a grotesque satire on the vicesand the eccentricities of the age. As a specimen of prose style it isremarkable for its spirit and "go, " qualities which may enable us toforget how turbid, ungraceful, and harsh it is. Nash had now droppedthe mannerism of the Euphuists; he had hardly gained a style of hisown. "Pierce Penniless, " with its chains of "letter-leaping metaphors, "rattles breathlessly on, and at length abruptly ceases. Any sense ofthe artistic fashioning of a sentence, or of the relative harmony of theparts of a composition, was not yet dreamed of. But before we condemnthe muddy turbulence of the author, we must recollect that nothinghad then been published of Hooker, Raleigh, or Bacon in the pedestrianmanner. Genuine English prose had begun to exist indeed, but had notyet been revealed to the world. Nash, as a lively portrait-painter ingrotesque, at this time, is seen at his best in such a caricature asthis, scourging "the pride of the Dane":--

"The most gross and senseless proud dolts are the Danes, who stand somuch upon their unwieldy burly-boned soldiery, that they account ofno man that hath not a battle-axe at his girdle to hough dogs with, orwears not a cock's feather in a thrummed hat like a cavalier. Briefly, he is the best fool braggart under heaven. For besides nature hath lenthim a flab-berkin face, like one of the four winds, and cheeks that saglike a woman's dug over his chinbone, his apparel is so stuffed up withbladders of taffaty, and his back like beef stuffed with parsley, sodrawn out with ribbands and devises, and blistered with light sarcenetbastings, that you would think him nothing but a swarm of butterflies, if you saw him afar off. "

On the 3rd of September, 1592, Greene came to his miserable end, havingsent to the press from his deathbed those two remarkable pamphlets, the"Groatsworth of Wit" and the "Repentance. " For two years past, if we maybelieve Nash, the profligate atheism of the elder poet had estranged hisfriend, or at all events had kept him at a distance. But a feeling ofcommon loyalty, and the anger which a true man of letters feels when agenuine poet is traduced by a pedant, led Nash to take up a very strongposition as a defender of the reputation of Greene. Gabriel Harvey, although the friend of Spenser, is a personage who fills an odious placein the literary history of the last years of Elizabeth. He was a scholarand a university man of considerable attainments, but he was whollywithout taste, and he concentrated into vinegar a temper which mustalways have had a tendency to be sour. In particular, he loathed theschool of young writers who had become famous in direct opposition tothe literary laws which he had laid down. 

Harvey's wrath had found a definite excuse in the tract, called "A Quipfor an upstart Courtier, or a quaint dispute between Velvet-Breechesand Cloth-Breeches, " which Greene had published early in the year1592. Accordingly, when he heard of Greene's death, he hastened to hislodgings, interviewed his landlady, collected scurrilous details, and, with matchless bad taste, issued, before the month was over, his "FourLetters, " a pamphlet in which he trampled upon the memory of Greene. Inthe latest of his public utterances, Greene had made an appeal to threefriends, who, though not actually named, are understood to have beenMarlowe, Peele, and Nash. 

Of these, the last was the one with the readiest pen, and the task ofpunishing Harvey fell upon him. 

Nash's first attack on Harvey took the form of a small volume, entitled, "Strange News of the Intercepting of Certain Letters, " publishedvery early in 1593. It was a close confutation of the charges made inHarvey's "Four Letters, " the vulgarity and insolence of the pedantbeing pressed home with an insistence which must have been particularlygalling to him as coming from a distinguished man of his own university, twenty years his junior. Harvey retorted with the heavy artillery of his"Pierce's Supererogation, " which was mainly directed against Nash, whomthe disappearance of Peele, and the sudden death of Marlowe in June, hadleft without any very intimate friend as a supporter. Nash retired, for the moment, from the controversy, and in the prefatory epistle to aremarkable work, the most bulky of all his books, "Christ's Tears overJerusalem, " he waved the white flag. He bade, he declared, "a hundredunfortunate farewells to fantastical satirism, " and complimented hislate antagonist on his "abundant scholarship. " Harvey took no notice ofthis, and for four years their mutual animosity slumbered. In this sameyear, 1593, Nash produced the only play which has come down to usas wholly composed by him, the comedy of "Summer's Last Will andTestament. "

Meanwhile "Pierce Penniless" had enjoyed a remarkable success, and hadplaced Nash in a prominent position among London men of letters. Welearn that in 1596, four years after its original publication, it hadrun through six editions, besides being translated in 1594 into French, and, a little later, into Macaronic Latin. In "Christ's Tears" the youngwriter, conscious of his new importance, deals with what the criticshave said about his style. He tells us, and we cannot wonder at it, thatobjections have been made to "my boisterous compound words, and endingmy Italianate coined verbs all in _ize_. " His defence is not unlikethat of De Quincey; we can imagine his asking, when urged to be simple, whether simplicity be in place in a description of Belshazzar's Feast Hesays that the Saxon monosyllables that swarm in the English tongue are ascandal to it, and that he is only turning this cheap silver trash intofine gold coinage. Books, he says, written in plain English, "seemlike shopkeepers' boxes, that contain nothing else save halfpence, three-farthings, and two-pences. " To show what sort of doubloons heproposes to mint for English pockets, we need go no further than theopening phrases of his dedication of this very book to that amiablepoet, the Lady Elizabeth Carey:--

"Excellent accomplished court-glorifying Lady, give me leave, with thesportive sea-porpoises, preludiately a little to play before the stormof my tears, to make my prayer before I proceed to my sacrifice. Lo, foran oblation to the rich burnished shrine of your virtue, a handful ofJerusalem's mummianized earth, in a few sheets of waste paper enwrapped, I here, humiliate, offer up at your feet. "

These, however, in spite of the odd neologisms, are sentences formed ina novel and a greatly improved manner, and the improvement is sustainedthroughout this curious volume. Probably the intimate study of theAuthorized Version of the Bible, which this semi-theological tractatenecessitated, had much to do with the clarification of the author'sstyle. At all events, from this time forth, Nash drops, except inpolemical passages where his design is provocative, that irritatingharshness in volubility which had hitherto marked his manner of writing. Here, for example, is a passage from "Christ's Tears" which is notwithout a strangely impressive melody:--

"Over the Temple, at the solemn feast of the Passover, was seen a cometmost coruscant, streamed and tailed forth, with glistering naked swords, which in his mouth, as a man in his hand all at once, he made semblanceas if he shaked and vambrashed. Seven days it continued; all which time, the Temple was as clear and light in the night as it had been noonday. In the Sanctum Sanctorum was heard clashing and hewing of armour, whileflocks of ravens, with a fearful croaking cry, beat, fluttered andclashed against the windows. A hideous dismal owl, exceeding all herkind in deformity and quantity, in the Temple-porch built her nest. Fromunder the altar there issued penetrating plangorous howlings and ghastlydeadmen's groans. "

He tells us, in the preface, that he takes an autumnal air, and in truththere is a melancholy refinement in this volume which we may seek forin vain elsewhere in Nash's writings. The greater part of the book isa "collachrimate oration" over Jerusalem, placed in the mouth of ourSaviour; by degrees the veil of Jerusalem grows thinner and thinner, and we see more and more clearly through it the London of Elizabeth, denounced by a pensive and not, this time, a turbulent satirist. 

In 1594 Nash's pen was particularly active. It was to the Lady ElizabethCarey, again, that he dedicated "The Terrors of the Night, " a discourseon apparitions. He describes some very agreeable ghosts, as, forinstance, those which appeared to a gentleman, a friend of the author's, in the guise of "an inveigling troop of naked virgins, whose odoriferousbreath more perfumed the air than ordnance would that is charged withamomum, musk, civet and ambergreece. " It was surely a mock-modesty whichled Nash to fear that such ghost-stories as these would appear to hisreaders duller than Holland cheese and more tiresome than homespun. To1594, too, belongs the tragedy of "Dido, " probably left incomplete byMarlowe, and finished by Nash, who shows himself here an adept inthat swelling bombast of bragging blank verse of which he affected todisapprove. A new edition of "Christ's Tears" also belongs to this busyyear 1594, which however is mainly interesting to us as having seen thepublication of the work which we are here introducing to modern readers. 

An eminent French critic, M. Jusserand, whose knowledge of Englishsixteenth-century literature is unsurpassed, was the first to drawattention to the singular interest which attaches to "The UnfortunateTraveller, or the Life of Jack Wilton, " 1594. In his treatise, "Le Romanau Temps de Shakespeare, " 1887, M. Jusserand insisted upon the factthat this neglected book was the best specimen of the _picaresque_ talewritten in English before the days of Defoe. He shows that expressionsput in the mouth of Nash's hero, which had been carelessly treated asautobiographical confessions of foreign travel and the like, on the partof the author, were but features of a carefully planned fiction. "JackWilton" describes the career of an adventurer, from his early youth asa page in the royal camp of Henry VIII. At the siege of Tournay, to hisattainment of wealth, position, and a beautiful Italian wife. 

The first exploit of the page is an encounter with a fraudulentinnkeeper, which is described with great spirit, and M. Jusserandhas ingeniously surmised that Shakespeare, after reading these pages, determined to fuse the two characters, mine host and the waggishpicaroon, into the single immortal figure of Falstaff. After this pointin the tale, it is probable that the reader may find the interest ofthe story flag; but his attention will be reawakened when he reachesthe episode of the Earl of Surrey and Fair Geraldine, and that inwhich Jack, pretending to be Surrey, runs off with his sweet Venetianmistress, Diamante. It will be for the reader of the ensuing pages tosay whether Nash had mastered the art of narrative quite so perfectlyas M. Jusserand, in his just pride as a discoverer, seems to think. Theromance, no doubt, is incoherent and languid at times, and is easily ledaside into channels of gorgeous description and vain moral reflection. 

It will doubtless be of interest, at this point, to quote the wordsin which, in a later volume, M. Jusserand has reiterated his praise of"Jack Wilton" and his belief in Nash as the founder of the British novelof character:--

"In the works of Nash and his imitators, the different parts are badlydovetailed; the novelist is incoherent and incomplete; the fault lies insome degree with the picaresque form itself. Nash, however, pointed outthe right road, the road that was to lead to the true novel. He wasthe first among his compatriots to endeavour to relate in prose along-sustained story, having for its chief concern: the truth. .. . Noone, Ben Jonson excepted, possessed at that epoch, in so great a degreeas himself, a love of the honest truth. With Nash, then, the novel ofreal life, whose invention in England is generally attributed to Defoe, begins. To connect Defoe with the past of English literature, we mustget over the whole of the seventeenth century, and go back to 'JackWilton, ' the worthy brother of 'Roxana, ' 'Moll Flanders, ' and 'ColonelJack. '"

It is to be regretted that Nash made no second adventure in purefiction. "Jack Wilton, " now one of the rarest of his books, was neverreprinted in its own age. 

How Nash was employed during the next two years, it is not easy toconjecture. When we meet with him once more, the smouldering fire of hisquarrel with the Harveys had burst again into flame. "Have with you toSaffron Walden, " 1596, is devoted to the chastisement of "the reprobatebrace of brothers, to wit, witless Gabriel and ruffling Richard. " Nofresh public outburst on Harvey's part seems to have led to thisattack; but he bragged in private that he had silenced his licentiousantagonists. Nash admits that his opponent's last book "has been keptidle by me, in a bye-settle out of sight amongst old shoes and bootsalmost this two year. " Harvey was known to have come from SaffronWalden; Nash invites his readers to accompany him to that town to seewhat they can discover, and he retails a good deal of lively scandalabout the rope-maker's sons. "Have with you" is perhaps the smartest andis certainly the most readable of Nash's controversial volumes. It givesus, too, some interesting fragments of autobiography. Harvey had accusedhim of "prostituting his pen like a courtisan, " and Nash makes thiscurious and not very lucid statement in selfdefence:--

"Neither will I deny it nor will I grant it. Only thus far I'll go withyou, that twice or thrice in a month, when _res est angusta domi_, thebottom of my purse is turned downward, and my conduit of ink will nolonger flow for want of reparations, I am fain to let my plough standstill in the midst of a furrow, and follow some of these newfangledGaliardos and Senior Fantasticos, to whose amorous _villanellas_ and_quipassas_, I prostitute my pen in hope of gain. .. . Many a fair day agohave I proclaimed myself to the world Piers Penniless. "

Gabriel Harvey must have felt, on reading "Have with you to SaffronWalden, " that his antagonist was right in saying that his pen carried"the hot shot of a musket. " Unfortunately, while Harvey was smartingunder these insulting gibes and jests, the jester himself got intopublic trouble. Little is known of the circumstance which led theQueen's Privy Council, in the summer of 1597, to throw Nash into theFleet Prison, but it was connected with the performance of a comedycalled "The Isle of Dogs, " which gave offence to the authorities. Thisplay was not printed, and is no longer in existence. The Lord Admiral'sCompany of actors, which produced it, had its licence withdrawn untilthe 27th of August, when Nash was probably liberated. Gabriel Harvey wasnot the man to allow this event to go unnoticed. He hurried intoprint with his "Trimming of Thomas Nash, " 1597, a pamphlet of the mostoutrageous abuse addressed "to the polypragmatical, parasitupocriticaland pantophainoudendecontical puppy Thomas Nash, " and adorned with aportrait of that gentleman in irons, with heavy gyves upon his ankles. According to Nash, however, the part of "The Isle of Dogs" which washis composition was so trifling in extent that his imprisonment wasa gratuitous act of oppression. How the play with this pleasing titleoffended has not been handed down to us. 

Nash was now a literary celebrity, and yet it is at this precise momentthat his figure begins to fade out of sight For the next two years he isnot known to have made any public appearance. In 1599 he published thebest of all his books; it was unfortunately the latest "Nash's LentenStuff; or, the Praise of the Red Herring" is an encomium on thehospitable town of Yarmouth, to which, in the autumn of 1597, he hadfled for consolation, and in which, through six happy weeks, he hadfound what he sought The "kind entertainment and benign hospitality"of the compassionate clime of Yarmouth deserve from the poor exile acordial return, and, accordingly, he sings the praise of the Red Herringas richly as if his mouth were still tingling with the delicate bloater. In this book, Nash is kind enough to explain to us the cause of some ofthe peculiarities of his style. His endeavour has been to be Italianate, and "of all styles I most affect and strive to imitate Aretine's. "

Whether he was deeply read in the works of _il divino Aretino_, we maydoubt; but it is easy to see that this Scourge of Princes, the very typeof the emancipated Italian of the sixteenth century, might have a vagueand dazzling attraction for his little eager English imitator. 

Be that as it may, "Lenten Stuff" gives us evidence that Nash had nowarrived at a complete mastery of the fantastic and irrelevant mannerwhich he aimed at. This book is admirably composed, if we can bringourselves to admit that the _genre_ is ever admirable. The writer'svocabulary has become opulent, his phrases flash and detonate, eachpage is full of unconnected sparks and electrical discharges. A sortof aurora borealis of wit streams and rustles across the dusky surface, amusing to the reader, but discontinuous, and insufficient to illuminatethe matter in hand. It is extraordinary that a man can make so manypicturesque, striking, and apparently apposite remarks, and yet leave usso frequently in doubt as to his meaning. If this was the result of theimitation of Aretino, Nash's choice of a master was scarcely a fortunateone. 

Thomas Nash was now thirty-two years of age, and with the publication of"Lenten Stuff" we lose sight of him. His old play of "Summers' Last Willand Testament" was printed in 1600, and he probably died in that year. The song at the close of that comedy or masque reads like the swan-songof its author:--

 Autumn hath all the summer's fruitful treasure; Gone is our sport, fled is poor [Nash's] pleasure! Short days, sharp days, long nights come on apace;

 Ah! who shall hide us from the winter's face? Cold doth increase, the sickness will not cease, And here we lie, God knows, with little ease:

 From winter, plague and pestilence, Good Lord, deliver us!

 London doth mourn, Lambeth is quite forlorn, Trades cry, Woe worth that ever they were born; The want of term is town and city's harm. 

 Close chambers we do want, to keep us warm; Long banished must we live from our friends: This low-built house will bring us to our ends. 

 From winter, plague and pestilence, Good Lord, deliver us!

Whether pestilence or winter slew him, we do not know. In 1601Fitzgeoffrey published a short Latin elegy on Nash in his "Affaniae, "alluding in happy phrase to the twin lightnings of his armed tongueand his terrible pen; and Nash had six lines of tempered praise in "TheReturn from Parnassus. " But all we know of the cause or manner of Nash'sdeath has to be collected from a passage in "A Knight's Conjuring, "1607, written by the satirist on whom his mantle descended, ThomasDekker. Nash is seen advancing along the Elysian Fields:--

"Marlowe, Greene, and Peele had got under the shades of a large vine, laughing to see Nash, that was but newly come to their college, stillhaunted with the sharp and satirical spirit that followed him hereupon earth; for Nash inveighed bitterly, as he had wont to do, againstdry-fisted patrons, accusing them of his untimely death, because if theyhad given his Muse that cherishment which she most worthily deserved, hehad fed to his dying day on fat capons, burnt sack and sugar, and notso desperately have ventured his life and shortened his days by keepingcompany with pickle herrings. "

This looks as though Nash died of a disease attributed to coarse andunwholesome cheap food. His fame proved to be singularly ephemeral. Sofar as I am aware, no book of his was reprinted after his death, withthe single exception of "Christ's Tears over Jerusalem, " which wasissued again in 1613. His name was mentioned and some interest in hiswritings was awakened at the close of the next century by Winstanley andby Langbaine, but Oldys, the celebrated antiquary, was the first personwho seriously endeavoured to trace the incidents of his life. 

Dr. A. B. Grosart saved the works of Nash from all danger of destructionby printing an issue of them, in six volumes, for fifty privatesubscribers, in 1883-85. But he still remains completely inaccessible tothe general reader. 

Edmund Gosse. 

THE VNFORTVNATE TRAVELLER. 

The Life of Iacke Wilton. 

LONDON. 

[Illustration: Dedication]

To THE RIGHT HONORABLE LORD Henrie Wriothsley, Earle of sovthhampton, and baron OF TICHFEELD. 

Ingenvovs honorable Lord, I know not what blinde custome methodicallantiquity hath thrust vpon vs, to dedicate such books as we publish, to one great man or other; In which respect, least anie man shouldchallenge these my papers as goods vncustomd, and so, extend vpon themas forfeite to contempt, to the seale of your excellent censure loe hereI present them to bee seene and allowed. Prize them as high or as low asyou list: if you set anie price on them, I hold my labor well satisfide. Long haue I desired to approoue my wit vnto you. My reuerent duetifullthoughts (euen from their infancie) haue been retayners to your glorie. Now at last I haue enforst an opportunitie to plead my deuotedminde. All that in this phantasticall Treatise I can promise, is somereasonable conueyance of historie, & varietie of mirth. By diuers of mygood frends haue I been dealt with to employ my dul pen in this kinde, it being a cleane different vaine from other my former courses ofwriting. How wel or ill I haue done in it, I am ignorant: (the eye thatsees roundabout it selfe, sees not into it selfe): only yourHonours applauding encouragement hath power to make mee arrogant. Incomprehensible is the heigth of your spirit both in heroicalresolution and matters of conceit. Vnrepriueably perisheth that bookewhatsoeuer to wast paper, which on the diamond rocke of your iudgementdisasterly chanceth to be shipwrackt. A dere louer and cherisher youare, as well of the louers of Poets, as of Poets themselues. Amongsttheir sacred number I dare not ascribe my selfe, though now and thenI speak English: that smal braine I haue, to no further vse I conuert, saue to be kinde to my frends, and fatall to my enemies. A new brain, anew wit, a new stile, a new soule will I get mee, to canonize yourname to posteritie, if in this my first attempt I be not taxed ofpresumption. Of your gracious fauor I despaire not, for I am notaltogether Fames outcast. This handfull of leaues I offer to yourview, to the leaues on trees I compare, which as they cannot grow ofthemselues except they haue some branches or boughes to cleaue too, & with whose iuice and sap they be euermore recreated & nourisht: soexcept these vnpolisht leaues of mine haue some braunch of Nobilitiewhereon to depend and cleaue, and with the vigorous nutriment of whoseauthorized commendation they may be continually fosterd and refresht, neuer wil they grow to the worlds good liking, but forthwith fadeand die on the first houre of their birth. Your Lordship is the largespreading branch of renown, from whence these my idle leaues seeke toderiue their whole nourishing: it resteth you either scornfully shakethem off, as wormeaten & worthies, or in pity preserue them and cherishthem, for some litle summer frute you hope to finde amongst them. 

Your Honors in all humble seruice: Tho: Nashe. 

TO THE GENTLEMEN READERS, Gentlemen, in my absence (through the Printers ouersight and my badwriting) in the leaues of C. And D. These errours are ouerslipt:

C. Pag. 2. Lin. 33. For sweating read sneaking. Pag. 3. Li. 1. Forhogges read barres, lin. 7. For Calipsus, read Rhæsus. Pag. 4. Lin. 34. For Liue read I liue. Pag. 5. Li. 14. For vpon his read vpon him his. Pag. 7. Lin. 13. For drild read dyu'd. Lin. 22. (for colour, read collarnor his hatband). 

D. Pag. 1. Lin. 2. For blacke read cape. Lin. 5. For fastens readthirleth. Lin. 7. For badge read budge, lin. 8. For shinne read chinne. Lin. 11. For in this begun read thinking in. Pag. 3. Lin. 33. Forincreased then read inclosed them. Pag. 5. Lin. 8. For threed button, read brest like a thred bottom. Pag. 8. Lin. 3. For Essa read Ossa. Lin. 4. For dissolution read desolation. Lin. 13. Betweene also, and but readIf you know Christianitie, you know the Fathers of the Church also. Lin. 18. For quocunque read qua gente. 

Other literall faults there are which I omit

Yours T. N. 

[Note. --The foregoing corrigenda are printed as part of the originaledition, though they have been corrected in the text. ]

[Illustration: To Pages of the Covrt]

THE INDVCTION TO THE DAPPER MOVNSIER PAGES OF THE COVRT. 

Gallant squires, haue amongst you: at mumchance I meane not, for so Imight chaunce come to short commons, but at _nouus, noua, nouum_, whichis in English, newes of the maker. A proper fellow Page of yours called_Iacke Wilton_, by mee commends him vnto you, and hath bequeathed forwast paper heere amongst you certaine pages of his misfortunes. In anycase keep them preciously as a _Priuie_ token of his good will towardsyou. If there be some better than other, he craues you would honor themin their death so much, as to drie and kindle _Tobacco_ with them: fora need he permits you to wrap veluet pantofles in them also, so they benot woe begone at the heeles, or weather-beaten like a blacke head withgraye haires, or mangie at the toes like an ape about the mouth. Butas you loue good fellowship and ames ace, rather turne them to stopmustard-pots, than the Grocers shuld haue one patch of them to wrap macein: a strong hot costly spice it is, which aboue all things hee hates. To anie vse about meate or drinke put them too and spare not, for theycannot doo their Countrey better seruice. Printers are madde whoresons, allow them some of them for napkins. Lost a little nerer to the matterand the purpose. _Memorandum_, euerie one of you after the perusing ofthis Pamphlet, is to prouide him a case of ponyards, that if you come incompanie with any man which shall dispraise it or speake against it, youmay straight cry Sic respondeo, and giue him the stockado. It stands notwith your honors (I assure yee) to haue a Gentleman and a Page abusde inhis absence. Secondly, whereas you were wont to sweare men on a pantofleto bee true to your puissaunt order, you shall sweeare them on nothingbut this Chronicle of the King of Pages henceforward. Thirdly, it shalbelawfull for anie whatsoeuer to play with false dice in a corner on thecouer of this foresaid Acts and monuments. None of the fraternitie ofthe minorites shall refuse it for a pawne in the times of famine andnecessitie. Euery Stationers stall they passe by whether by day or bynight they shall put off their hats too, and make a low leg, in regardtheir grand printed Capitano is there entoombd. It shalbe flat treasonfor any of this forementioned catalogue of the point trussers, onceto name him within fortie foote of an ale-house. Marry the tauerneis honorable. Many speciall graue articles more had I to giue you incharge, which your wisdomes waiting together at the bottome of the greatChamber staires, or sitting in a porch (your parlament house) may betterconsider of than I can deliuer: onely let this suffice for a tast to thetext & a bit to pull on a good wit with, as a rasher on the coales isto pull on a cup of wine. Heigh passe, come aloft: euery man of you takeyour places, and heare _Iacke Wilton_ tell his owne tale. 

[Illustration: Titlepage2]

[Illustration: First Page]

THE VNFORTVNATE TRAVELLER. 

Abovt that time that the terror of the world, and feauer quartan ofthe French, _Henrie_ the eight, (the onely true subiect of Chronicles)aduanced his standard against the two hundred and fiftie towers of_Turney_ and _Turwin_, and had the Empereur and all the nobility ofFlanders, Holland, and Brabant as mercenarie attendants on his fulsailedfortune, I _Jacke Wilton_ (a Gentleman at lest) was a certaine kinde ofan appendix or page, belonging or appertaining in or vnto the confinesof the English court, where what my credit was, a number of my creditorsthat I coosned can testifie, _Cælum petimus stultitia_, which of vs allis not a sinner. Be it knowen to as many as will paie monie inough toperuse my storie, that I followed the campe or the court, or the court &the camp, when _Turwin_ lost her maidenhead, & opened her gates to morethan _Iane Trosse_ did. There did I (soft let me drinke before I goeanie further) raigne sole king of the cans and black iackes, princeof the pigmeis, countie paltaine of cleane strawe and prouant, and toconclude, Lord high regent of rashers of the coles and red herring cobs. _Paulo maiora canamus_: well, to the purpose. What stratagemicall actesand monuments do you thinke an ingenious infant of my age might enact?you will saie, it were sufficient if he slurre a die, pawne his masterto the vtmost pennie, & minister the oath on the pantoffle arteficially. These are signes of good education, I must confesse, and arguments ofIn grace and vertue to proceed. Oh but _Aliquid latet quod non patet_, theres a farther path I must trace: examples confirme, list Lordingsto my proceedinges. Whosoeuer is acquainted with the state of a campe, vnderstands that in it be many quarters, & yet not so many as on Londonbridge. In those quarters are many companies: Much companie, muchknauerie, as true as that olde adage, Much curtesie, much subtiltie. Those companies, like a great deale of corne, doe yeeld some chaffe, thecorne are cormorants, the chaffe are good fellowes, which are quicklyblowen to nothing, with bearing a light hart in a light purse. Amongstthis chaffe was I winnowing my wits to liue merily, and by my troth so Idid: the prince could but command men spend theyr bloud in his seruice, I coulde make them spend all the monie they had for my pleasure. Butpouerty in the end parts frends, though I was prince of their purses, and exacted of my vnthrift subiects, as much liquid allégeance as aniekeisar in the world could do, yet where it is not to be had the kingmust loose his right, want cannot be withstood, men can doe no more thanthey can doe, what remained then, but the foxes case must help, when thelions skin is out at the elbowes. 

There was a Lord in the campe, let him be a Lord of misrule, if you wil, for he kept a plaine alehouse without welt or gard of anie Iuibush, andsolde syder and cheese by pint and by pound to all that came (at thatverie name of syder, I can but sigh, there is so much of it in renishwine now a dayes). Wei, _Tendit ad sydera virtus_, thers great vertuebelongs (I can tell you) to a cup of syder, and verie good men hauesolde it, and at sea it is _Aqua colestis_, but thats neither heerenor there, if it had no other patrone but this peere of quart pots toauthorize it, it were sufficient This great Lorde, this worthie Lord, this noble Lord, thought no scorne (Lord haue mercy vpon vs) to haue hisgreat veluet breeches larded with the droppings of this daintie liquor, & yet he was an olde senator, a cauelier of an ancient house, as itmight appeare by the armes of his ancestrie, drawen very amiably inchalke, on the in side of his tent doore. 

He and no other was the man, I chose out to damne with a lewd monylessedeuice: for comming to him on a daie, as he was counting his barrels, &setting the price in chalke on the head of euerie one of them, I did mydutie verie deuoutly, and tolde his _alie_ honor, I had matters ofsome secrecie to impart vnto him, if it pleased him to grant me priuateaudience. With me young _Wilton_ quoth he, marie and shalt: bring vs apint of syder of a fresh tap into the three cups here, wash the pot, sointo a backe roome he lead mee, where after hee had spit on his finger, and pickt off two or three moats of his olde moth eaten veluet cap, andspunged and wrong all the rumatike driuell from his ill fauoured Goatesbeard, he badde me declare my minde, and there vpon he dranke to me onthe same. I vp with a long circumstance, alias, a cunning shift of theseuenteenes, & discourst vnto him what entire affection I had borne himtime out of mind, partly for the high discent and linage from whencehe sprung, & partly for the tender care and prouident respect he had ofpoore soldiers, that whereas the vastitie of that place (which affordedthem no indifferent supplie of drinke or of victuals) might humble themto some extremity, and so weaken their hands, he vouchsafed in his ownperson to be a victualer to the campe (a rare example of magnificence &honorable curtesie) and diligently prouided, that without farre trauel, euery man might for his money haue syder and cheese his bellyfull, nordid he sell his cheese by the way onely, or his syder by the great, butabast himselfe with his owne hands, to take a shoomakers knife (a homelyinstrument for such a high personage to touch) and cut it out equallylike a true iusticiarie, in little pennyworthes, that it woulde doo aman good for to looke vpon. So likewise of his syder, the pore man mighthaue his moderate draught of it (as there is a moderation in all things)as well for his doit or his dandiprat, as the rich man for his halfesouse or his denier. Not so much, quoth I, but this tapsters linnenapron, which you weare before you, to protect your appareil from theimperfections of the spigot, most amply bewrais your lowly minde. Ispeake it with teares, too fewe such humble spirited noble men haue we, that will draw drinke in linen aprons. Why you are euerie childs felow, any man that comes vnder the name of a souldier and a goodfellowe, youwill sitte and beare companie to the last pot, yea, and you take inas good part the homely phrase of mine host heeres to you, as if onesaluted you by all the titles of your baronie. These considerations, I saie, which the world suffers to slippe by in the channell ofcarelesnes, haue moued me in ardent zeale of your welfare, to forewarneyou of some dangers that haue beset you & your barrels. At the name ofdangers hee start up, and bounst with his fist on the boord so hard, that his Tapster ouerhearing him, cried anone anone sir, by and by, andcame and made a low leg and askt him what he lackt. Hee was readie tohaue striken his Tapster, for interrupting him in attention of this hisso much desired relation, but for feare of displeasing me he moderatedhis furie, and onely sending him for the other fresh pint, wild himlooke to the barre, and come when hee is cald with a deuilles name. Well, at his earnest importunitie, after I had moistned my lips, to makemy lie runne glib to his iourneies end, forward I went as followeth. Itchaunced me the other night, amongst other pages, to attend where theking with his Lords, and many chiefe leaders sate in counsel, thereamongst sundrie serious matters that were debated, and intelligencesfrom the enemy giuen vp, it was priuily informed (no villains to thesepriuie informers) that you, euen you that I now speak to, would Ihad no tongue to tell the rest, by this drink it grieues me so I am notable to repeate it. Nowe was my dronken Lord redie to hang himself forthe end of the ful point, and ouer my necke he throws himselfe verielubberly, and intreated me as I was a proper young Gentleman, and euerlookt for pleasure at his hands, soone to rid him out of this hell ofsuspence, & resolue him of the rest, then fell hee on his knees, wronghis handes, and I thinke, on my conscience, wept out all the syder thathe had dronke in a weeke before, to moue me to haue pitie on him, herose and put his rustie ring on my finger, gaue me his greasie pursewith that single money that was in it, promised to make mee his heire, & a thousand more fauours, if I would expire the miserie of hisvnspeakable tormenting vncertaintie. I being by nature inclined to_Mercie_ (for indeed I knew two or three good wenches of that name) badhim harden his eares, & not make his eyes abortiue before their time, and he should haue the inside of my brest turnd outward, heare such atale as would tempt the vtmost strength of life to attend it, and notdie in the middest of it. Why (quoth I) my selfe, that am but a poorechildish welwiller of yours, with the verie thought, that a man ofyour desert and state, by a number of pesants and varlets should be soiniuriously abused in hugger mugger, haue wept al my vrine vpward. Thewheele vnder our Citie bridge, carries not so much water ouer the city, as my braine hath welled forth gushing streames of sorow. I haue wept soimmoderatly and lauishly, that I thought verily my palat had bin turnedto pissing conduit in London. My eies haue bin dronk, outragiouslydronke, with giuing but ordinary entercourse through their sea-circledHands to my distilling dreariment What shal I saie? that which malicehath sayde is the meere ouerthrow & murder of your daies. Change notyour colour, none can slander a cleere conscience to it selfe, receiueall your fraught of misfortune in at once. 

It is buzzed in the kings head that you are a secret friend to theenemy, & vnder pretence of getting a license to furnish the campe withsyder and such like prouant, you haue furnisht the enemy, and in emptiebarrells sent letters of discouerie, and come innumerable, I might wellhaue left here, for by this time his white liuer had mixt it selfewith the white of his eie, & both were turned vpwardes, as if they hadoffered themselues a fayre white for death to shoote at. The troth was, I was verie loth mine hoste and I should parte to heauen with dry lips, wherefore the best meanes that I could imagine to wake him out of histraunce, was to crie loude in his eare, hough host, whats to pay, willno man looke to the reckning heere and in plaine veritie, it tookeexpected effect, for with the noise he started and bustled, like a manthat had beene scard with fyre out of his sleepe, and ranne hastilyto his Tapster, and all to belaboured him about the eares, for lettingGentlemen call so long and not looke in to them. Presently he remembredhimselfe, and had like to haue fallen into his memento againe, But thatI met him halfe waies, and askt his Lordship what he meant to sliphis necke out of the coller so sodainly, and being reuiued, strike histapster so rashly. 

Oh, quoth he, I am bought & solde for doing my Country such good seruiceas I haue done. They are afraid of mee, because my good deedes hauebrought me into such estimation with the communalty, I see, I see it isnot for the lambe to liue with the wolfe. 

The world is well amended, thought I, with your Sidership, such anotherfortie yeeres nappe together as _Epemenides_ had, would make you aperfect wise man. Answere me, quoth he, my wise young _Wilton_, is ittrue that I am thus vnderhand dead and buried by these bad tongues?

Nay, quoth I, you shall pardon me, for I haue spoken too much alreadie, no definitiue sentence of death shall march out of my wel meaning lips, they haue but lately suckt milke, and shall they so sodainly changetheyr food and seeke after bloud?

Oh but, quoth he, a mans friend is his friend, fill the other pintTapster, what sayd the king, did hee beleeue it when hee heard it, Ipray thee say, I sweare to thee by my nobility, none in the worlde shalleuer be made priuie, that I receiued anie light of this matter fromthee. 

That firme affiance, quoth I, had I in you before, or else I would neuerhaue gone so farre ouer the shooes, to plucke you out of the mire. Notto make many wordes (since you will needs know) the king saies flatly, you are a miser & a snudge, and he neuer hopt better of you. Nay then(quoth he) questionlesse some planet that loues not syder hath conspiredagainst me. Moreouer, which is worse, the king hath vowed to giue_Turwin_ one hot breakfast, onely with the bungs that hee will pluckeout of your barrells. I cannot staie at this time to reporte eachcircumstance that passed, but the only counsell that my long cherishedkinde inclination can possibly contriue, is now in your olde daies to beliberall, such victuals or prouisions as you haue, presently distributeit frankly amongst poore souldiers, I would let them burst their bellieswith syder, and bathe in it, before I would runne into my Princes illopinion for a whole sea of it. The hunter pursuing the beauer for hisstones, hee bites them off, and leaues them behinde for him to gathervp, whereby he liues quiet. If greedie hunters and hungry teltalespursue you, it is for a little pelfe which you haue, cast it behind you, neglect it, let them haue it, lest it breed a further inconuenience. Credit my aduice, you shall finde it propheticall, and thus I hauedischarged the parte of a poore friend. With some few like phrases ofceremonie, your honors suppliant, & so forth, and farewel my good youth, I thanke thee and will remember thee, we parted. But the next daie Ithinke we had a dole of syder, syder in boules, in scuppets, in helmets, & to conclude, if a man would haue fild his bootes full, there heemight haue had it, prouant thrust it selfe into poore souldiers pocketswhether they would or no. We made fiue peals of shot into the townetogether, of nothing but spiggots and faussets of discarded emptiebarrels: euerie vnderfoote soildiour had a distenanted tunne, as_Diogenes_ had his tub to sleepe in, I my selfe got as many confiscatedTapsters aprons, as made me a Tent, as bigge as any ordinarie commandersin the field. But in conclusion, my welbeloued Baron of double beere gothim humbly on his marybones to the king, and complained hee was olde andstriken in yeres, and had nere an heire to cast at a dogge, wherefore ifit might please his maiesty to take his lands into his hands, and allowehim some reasonable pension to liue on, hee shoulde bee meruailous welpleased: as for the warres, he was wearie of them, and yet as long ashighnes shoulde venture his owne person, hee would not flinch a foot, but make his withered bodie a buckler, to beare off anie blow thatshould be aduanced agaynst him. 

The king meruailing at this strange alteration of his great marchant ofsyder (for so hee woulde often pleasantly tearme him), with a littlefurther talke bolted out the whole complotment Then was I pittifullywhipt for my holy day lie, although they made themselues merrie with itmany a faire winters euening after. 

Yet notwithstanding his good asseheaded honor mine host, perseuered inhis former simple request to the king to accept of the surrender ofhis landes, and allowe him a beadsmanry or out-brother-ship of brachet, which at length, through his vehement instancie tooke effect, and theking ieastingly sayd, since he would needs haue it so, he would distrainon part of his land for impost of syder, which hee was behinde handewith him, and neuer payd. 

This was one of my famous atchieuements, insomuch as I neuer light vponthe like famous foole, but I haue done a thousand better ieasts if theyhad bin bookt in order as they were begotten. It is pittie posteritieshoulde bee depriued of such precious recordes, and yet there is noremedie, and yet there is to, for when all fayles, welfare a goodmemorie. Gentle readers (looke you be gentle now since I haue cald youso) as freely as my knauerie was mine owne, it shall be yours to vse inthe way of honestie. 

Euen in this expedition of Turwin (for the king stoode not longthrumming of buttons there) it happened me fall out (I would it hadfallen out otherwise for his sake) with an vgly mechanical Captaine. Youmust thinke in an armie, where tronchios are in their state house, it isa flat stab once to name a Captaine without cappe in hand. Well, supposehee was a Captaine, & had nere a good cap of his owne, but I was faineto lend him one of my Lords cast veluet caps, and a weatherbeatenfeather, wherewith he threatned his souldiers a farre off, as Iupiter issayde, with the shaking of his haire to make heauen and earth to quake:suppose out of the paringes of a paire of false dice, I apparelled bothhim and my selfe many a time and oft: and surely not to slander thedeuill, if anie man euer deserued the golden dice, the king of theParthians sent to _Demetrius_ it was I, I had the right vaine of suckingvp a die twixt the dintes of my fingers, not a creuise in my hande butcoulde swallowe a quater trey for a neede: in the line of life many adead lifte dyd there lurke, but it was nothing towards the maintenanceof a family. This Monsieur Capitano eate vp the creame of my earnings, and _Crede mihi res est ingeniosa dare_, any man is a fine fellowas long as he hath anie monie in his purse. That monie is like themarigolde, which opens and shuts with the Sunne, if fortune smileth, or one be in fauour, it floweth: if the euening of age comes on, or hefalleth into disgrace, it fadeth and is not to be found. I was my craftsmaster though I was but yong, and could as soone decline _Nominatiuo hicasinus_, as a greater clarke, wherefore I thought it not conuenient mysoldado should haue my purse anie longer for his drumme to play vppon, but I woulde giue him Iacke drummes entertainment, and send him packing. This was my plot, I knewe a peece of seruice of intelligence, which waspresently to bee done, that required a man with all his fiue senses toeffect it, and would ouefthrow anie foole that should vndertake it, to this seruice did I animate and egge my foresayd costes and charges, alias, senior veluet-cappe, whose head was not encombered with too muchforecast, and comming to him in his cabbin about dinner time, where Ifound him verie deuoutly paring of his nailes for want of other repast, I entertained him with this solemne oration. 

Captaine, you perceiue how neere both of vs are driuen, the dice of lateare growen as melancholy as a dog, high men and low men both prosperalike, langrets, fullams, and all the whole fellowshippe of them willnot affoord a man his dinner, some other means must be inuented topreuent imminent extremitie. My state, you are not ignorant, depends ontrencher seruice, your aduancement must be deriued from the valourof your arme. In the delayes of siege, desert hardly gets a daye ofhearing, tis gowns must direct and guns enact all the wars that is tobee made against walls. Resteth no waie for you to climbe sodainly, butby doing some straunge stratageme, that the like hath not bene heard ofheeretofore, and fitly at this instant occasion is ministred. 

There is a feate the king is desirous to haue wrought on some greatman of the enemies side, marie it requireth not so much resolution asdiscretion to bring it to passe, and yet resolution inough shalbe showenin it to, being so full of hazardous ieopardy as it is, harke inyour eare, thus it is. Without more drumbling or pausing, if you willvndertake it, and worke it through stitch (as you may ere the king hathdetermined which waie to goe about it) I warrant you are made while youliue, you neede not care which waie your staffe falles, if it proue notso, then cut off my head. 

Oh my auditors, had you seene him how he stretcht out his lims, scratchthis scabd elbowes at this speech, how hee set his cap ouer his eiebrowes like a polititian, and then folded his armes one in another, &nodded with the head, as who should saie, let the French beware, forthey shall finde me a deuill, if I say, you had seen but halfe theactions that he vsed of shrucking vp his shoulders, smiling scornfully, playing with his fingers on his buttons, and biting the lip, you woldhaue laught your face and your knees together. The yron being hot, Ithought to lay on loade, for in anie case I would not haue his humourcoole. As before I layd open vnto him the briefe summe of the seruice, so now I began to vrge the honorablenesse of it, and what a rare thingit was to be a right polititian, how much esteemd of kings and princes, and how diuerse of meane parentage haue come to be monarches by it. ThenI discourst of the qualities and properties of him in euerie respect, how lyke the wolfe he must drawe the breath from a man before he beseen, how lyke a hare he must sleepe with his eyes open, how as theEagle in flying casts dust in the eyes of crowes & other foules, forto blind them, so he must cast dust in the eies of his enimies, deludetheir sight by one meanes or other, y they diue not into his subtilties:how he must be familiar with all & trust none, drinke, carouse andlecher with him out of whom he hopes to wring anie matter, sweare andforsweare, rather than be suspected, and in a word, haue the art ofdissembling at his fingers ends as perfect as anie courtier. 

Perhaps (quoth I) you may haue some few greasie cauelliers that willseeke to disswade you from it, and they will not sticke to stand ontheyr three halfe pennie honour, swearing and staring that a man werebetter be an hangman than an intelligencer, and call him a sneakingeausdropper, a scraping hedgecreeper, and a piperly pickthanke, butyou must not bee discouraged by theyr talke, for the most part of thosebeggerly contemners of wit, are huge burlybond butchers like _Aiax_, good for nothing but to strike right downe blowes on a wedge with acleauing beetle, or stande hammering all daie vppon barres of yron. Thewhelpes of a Beare neuer grow but sleeping, and these bearewards hauingbig limmes shall bee preferd though they doe nothing. You haue readstories, (He bee sworne he neuer lookte in booke in his life) how manyof the Romane worthies were there that haue gone as spies into theyrenemies campe? _Vlysses, Nestor, Diomed_, went as spies together in thenight into the tentes of _Rhosus_ and intercepted _Dolon_ the spieof the Troians: neuer anie discredited the trade of intelligencersbut _Iudas_, & he hanged himselfe. Danger will put wit into anie man. _Architas_ made a wooden doue to flie: by which proportion I see noreason that the veryest blocke in the world should despayre of aniething. Though nature be contrarie inclined, it may be altered, yetvsually those whome she denies her ordinarie giftes in one thing, shedoubles them in another. That which the asse wants in wit, hee hath inhonestie, who euer sawe him kicke or winch, or vse anie iades trickes, though he liue an hundred yeeres you shall never heare that he breakespasture. Amongest men, hee that hath not a good wit, lightly hath agood yron memorie, and he that hath neither of both, hath some bones tocarrie burthens. Blinde men haue better noses than other men: the bulshorns serue him as well as hands to fight withall: the lions pawes areas good to him as a polaxe, to knock downe anie that resists him: so theBores tushes serue him in better stead than a sword and buckler, whatneed the snaile care for eyes, when he feeles the waie with his twohomes, as well as if hee were as sharpe sighted as a decypherer. Thereis a fish that hauing no wings, supportes her selfe in the ayre withher finnes. Admit that you had neither wit nor capacitie, as sure in myiudgement there is none equall vnto you in idiotisme, yet if you hauesimplicitie and secrecie, serpents themselues will thinke you a serpent, for what serpent is there but hydeth his sting: and yet whatsoeuer beewanting, a good plausible alluring tong in such a man of imployment canhardly be spard, which as the forenamed serpent, with his winding taylefetcheth in those that come neere him: so with a rauishing tale, itgathers all mens heartes vnto him, which if hee haue not, let him neuerlooke to ingender by the mouth, as rauens and doues doe, that is, mount or be great by vndermining. Sir, I am assertayned that all theseimperfections I speake off, in you haue theyr naturall resiance, I seein your face, that you were borne with the swallow, to feede flying, to get much treasure and honour by trauell. None so fit as you for soimportant an enterprise, our vulgar reputed polititians are but flyesswimming on the streame of subtiltie superficially in comparison ofyour singularitie, theyr blind narrowe eyes cannot pearce into theprofunditie of hypocrisie, you alone with _Palamed_, can pry into_Vlysses_ madde counterfeting, you can discerne _Achilles_ from achamber maide, though he be deckt with his spindle and distaffe: as_Ioue_ dining with _Licaon_ could not be beguiled with humane fleshdrest like meate, so no humane braine may goe beyond you, none beguileyou, you gull all, all feare you, loue you, stoupe to you. Therefore, good sir, be rulde by mee, stoupe your fortune so lowe, as to bequeathyour selfe wholy to this businesse. 

This siluer sounding tale made such sugred harmonie in his eares, thatwith the sweete meditation, what a more than myraculous polititianhe should be, and what kingly promotion should come tumbling on himthereby, he could haue found in his heart to haue packt vp his pipes &to haue gone to heauen without a baite, yea, hee was more inflamed andrauishte with it than a young man called _Tauritnontanus_ was with thePhrigian melodie, who was so incensed and fyred therewith, that he wouldneedes runne presently vpon it, and set a curtizans house on fire thathad angered him. 

No remedie there was but I must helpe to furnish him with monie, I didso, as who wil not make his enemy a bridge of golde to flie by. Verieearnestly he coniurd me to make no man liuing priuie to his departurein regard of his place and charge, and on his honour assured mee hisreturne shoulde bee verie short and succesfull, I, I, shorter by thenecke, thought I, in the meane time let this be thy posie, _I liue inhope to scape the rope_. 

Gone he is, God send him good shipping to Wapping, & by this time, ifyou will, let him bee a pittifull poore fellowe, and vndone for euer, for mine owne part, if he had bin mine owne brother, I coulde haue doneno more for him than I did, for straight after his backe was turnd, Iwent in all loue & kindnesse to the Marshall generall of the field, &certefide him that such a man was lately fled to the enemie, and gottehis place beggd for another immediatly. What became of him after youshall heare. To the enemie he went and offered his seruice, ratlingegregiously on the king of England, he swore, as he was a Gentlemanand a souldier, hee would bee reuenged on him, and let but the king ofFrance follow his counsell, hee woulde driue him from _Turwin_ wals yetere ten dayes to an end. All these were good humours, but the tragediefolloweth. The French king hearing of such a prating fellow that wascome, was desirous to see him, but yet he feared treason, wherfore hewild one of his minions to take vpon him his person, and he would standby as a priuate man whilest hee was examined. Why should I vse anie idledelayes? In was Captaine Gogges wounds brought, after he was throughlysearched, not a louse in his doublet was let passe, but was askt_Queuela_, and chargd to stand in the kings name, the mouldes of hisbuttons they turnd out, to see if they were not bullettes couered ouerwith thread, the codpeece in his deuills breeches (for they were then infashion) they sayd playnly was a case for a pistoll, if hee had had euera hobnaile in his shooes it had hangde him, & he shuld neuer haue knowenwho had harmd him, but as lucke was, he had not a mite of anie mettalabout him, he tooke part with none of the foure ages, neither the goldenage, the siluer age, the brasen nor the yron age, onely his purse wasaged in emptinesse, and I thinke verily a puritane, for it kept it selfefrom any pollution of crosses. Standing before the supposed king, hewas askt what he was, and wherefore he came. To the which in a gloriousbragging humour he aunswered, that hee was a gentleman, a captainecommander, a chiefe leacjer, that came away from the king of Englandvppon discontentment. Questiond particular of the cause of hisdiscontentment, hee had not a word to blesse himself with, yet faine hewould haue patcht out a poltfoote tale, but (God he knowes) it had notone true legge to stand on. Then began he to smell on the villaine sorammishly, that none there but was readie to rent him in peeces, yet theminion king kept in his cholar, and propounded vnto him farther, whatof the king of Englands secrets (so aduantageable) he was priuie to, as might remoue him from the siege of Turwin in three daies. Hee saydediuerse, diuerse matters, which askt longer conference, but in goodhonestie they were lies, which he had not yet stampt. Heereat the trueking stept forth, and commanded to lay handes on the lozell, and that heshould be tortured to confesse the truth, for he was a spie and nothingelse. 

He no sooner sawe the wheele and the torments set before him, but hecride out like a rascall, and sayde hee was a poore Captaine in theEnglish camp, suborned by one _Iacke Wilton_ (a noble mans page) and noother, to come and kill the French king in a brauery and returne, andthat he had no other intention in the world. 

This confession could not choose but moue them all to laughter, in thathe made it as light a matter to kill their king and come backe, as togoe to Islington and eate a messe of creame, and come home againe, nay, and besides hee protested that he had no other intention, as if thatwere not inough to hang him. 

_Adam_ neuer fell till God made fooles, all this coulde not keepe hisioyntes from ransacking on the wheele, for they vowed either to makehim a confessor or a martir in a trice, when still he sung all one song, they tolde the king he was a foole, and some shrewd head had knauishlywrought on him, wherefore it should stand with his honour to whip himout of the campe and send him home. That perswasion tooke place, andsoundly was he lasht out of theyr liberties, and sent home by a Heraldewith this message, that so the king his master hoped to whip homeall the English fooles verie shortly: answere was returned, that thatshortlie, was a long lie, and they were shrewde fooles that shouldedriue the French man out of his kingdome, and make him glad withCorinthian _Dionisius_ to play the schoole-master. 

The Herald being dismist, our afflicted intelligencer was cald _coramnobis_, how he spedde, iudge you, but something hee was adiudged to. Thesparowe for his lecherie liueth but a yeere, he for his trecherie wasturnd on the toe, _Plura dolor prohibet_. 

Here let me triumph a while, and ruminate a line or two on theexcellence of my wit, but I will not breath neither til I hauedisfraughted all my knauerie. 

Another Swizer Captaine that was farre gone for want of the wench, I ledastraie most notoriously, for he beeing a monstrous vnthrift of battleaxes (as one that cared not in his anger to bid flie out scuttels tofiue score of them) and a notable emboweller of quart pots, I camedisguised vnto him in the forme of a halfe a crowne wench, my gowne andattire according to the custome the in request. I wis I had my curtesiesin cue or in quart pot rather, for they dyu'd into the very entrailes ofthe dust, and I simpered with my countenance lyke a porredge pot on thefire when it first begins to seeth. The sobrietie of the circumstanceis, that after he had courted me and all, and giuen me the earnestpennie of impietie, some sixe crownes at the least for an antipast toiniquitie, I fained an impregnable excuse to be gone, and neuer came athim after. Yet left I not here, but committed a little more scutcherie. A companie of coystrell clarkes (who were in band with sathan, and not ofanie souldiers collar nor his hatband) pincht a number of good mindes toGodward of theyr prouant. They would not let a dram of dead pay ouerslipthem, they would not lend a groat of the weeke to come, to him that hadspent his money before this weeke was done. They outfaced the greatestand most magnanimious servitours in their sincere and finigraphicallcleane shirts and cuffes. A lowse that was anie Gentlemans companionthey thought scorne of, their nere bitten beardes must in a deuils namebedewdeuerie daiewith rosewater, hogges could haue nere a hayre on theyrbackes, for making them rubbing brushes to rouse theyr crab lice. Theywoulde in no wise permitte that the moates in the Sunnebeames should befull mouthde beholders of theyr cleane phinikde appareil, theyr shooesshined as bright as a slike-stone, theyr handes troubled and soyled morewater with washing, than the camell doth, that nere drinkes till thewhole streame bee troubled. Summarily, neuer anie were so fantasticalthe one halfe as they. My masters you may conceiue of me what you list, but I thinke confidently I was ordayned Gods scourge from aboue fortheyr daintie finicalitie. The houre of theyr punishment could no longerbe proroged, but vengeance must haue at them at al a ventures. So itwas, that the most of these aboue named goosequil braccahadocheos weremeere cowards and crauens, and durst not so much as throw a penfullof inke into the enimies face, if proofe were made, wherefore on theexperience of their pusellanimitie I thought to raise the foundationof my roguerie. What did I now but one daie made a false alarum in thequarter where they laie, to trie how they would stand to theyr tackling, and with a pittifull outcrie warned them to flie, for there was treasonafoot, they were inuironed and beset. Upon the first watch worde oftreason that was giuen, I thinke they betooke them to theyr heeles veriestoutly, left theyr penne and inke-hornes and papers behinde them forspoile, resigned theyr deskes, with the mony that was in them to themercie of the vanquisher, and in fine, left mee & my fellowes (theirfoole-catchers) Lords of the field: how wee dealt with them, theirdisburdened deskes canne best tell, but this I am assured, we fared thebetter for it a fortnight of fasting dayes after. I must not placea volume in the precincts of a pamphlet, sleepe an houre or two, anddreame that Turney and Turwin is wonne, that the king is shipt againeinto England, and that I am close at harde meate at Windsore or atHampton court. What will you in your indifferent opinions allow me formy trauell, no more seigniorie ouer the Pages than I had before? yes, whether you will parte with so much probable friendly suppose or no, He haue it in spite of your heartes. For your instruction and godlyconsolation, bee informed, that at that time I was no common squire, novndertroden torch-bearer, I had my feather in my cap as big as a flag inthe foretop, my French doublet gelte in the belly as though (lyke a pigreadie to be spitted) all my guts had beene pluckt out, a paire of sidepaned hose that hung down like two scales filled with Holland cheeses, 'my long stock that sate close to my docke, and smoothered not a scabor a leacherous hairie sinew on the calfe of my legge, my rapier pendantlike a round sticke fastned in the tacklings for skippers the better toclimbe by, my cape cloake of blacke cloth, ouerspreading my backe lykea thornbacke, or an Elephantes eare, that hanges on his shoulders lykea countrie huswiues banskin, which shee thirleth her spindle on, andin consummation of my curiositie, my handes without gloues, all a moreFrench, and a blacke budge edging of a beard on the vpper lip, & thelike sable auglet of excrements in the first rising of the anckle of mychinne. I was the first that brought in the order of passing into thecourt which I deriued from the common word _Qui passa_, and the heraldsphrase of armes Passant, thinking in sincerity, hee was not a Gentleman, nor his armes currant, who was not first past by the pages. If anieprentise or other came into the court that was not a Gentleman, Ithought it was an indignitie to the preheminence of the court to includesuch a one, and could not be salud except we gaue him armes Passant, tomake him a Gentleman. Besides, in Spaine, none compasse anie farre waiebut he must be examined what he is, & giue three pence for his passe. Inwhich regard it was considered of by the common table of the cupbearers, what a perilsome thing it was to let anie stranger or outdweller approchso neere the precincts of the Prince, as the great chamber, withoutexamining what he was and giuing him his passe, wherevppon weestablished the lyke order, but tooke no monie of them as they did, onelie for a signe that he had not past our hands vnexamined, wee set ared marke on either of his eares, and so let him walke as authenticall. I must not discouer what vngodly dealing we had with the blacke iackes, or how oft I was crowned king of the dronkards with a court cuppe, letmee quietly descend to the waining of my youthfull dayes, and tell alittle of the sweating sicknesse, that made me in a cold sweate take myheeles and runne out of England. 

This sweating sicknesse, was a disease that a man then might catch andneuer goe to a hothouse. Many masters desire to haue such semants aswould worke till they sweate againe, but in those dayes he that sweatneuer wrought againe. That Scripture then was not thought so necessarie, which sayes, Earne thy liuing with the sweat of thy browes, for thenthey earnd their dying with the sweat of their browes. It was inoughif a fat man did but trusse his points, to turne him ouer the pearch:mother _Cornelius_ tub why it was lyke hell, he that came into it neuercame out of it Cookes that stande continually basting theirfaces beforethe fire, were nowe all cashierd with this sweat into kitchinstuffe:theyr hall fell in to the kings handes for want of one of the trade tovpholde it. Feltmakers and furriers, what the one with the hot steame oftheir wooll new taken out of the pan, and the other with the contagiousheate of their slaughter budge and connyskins, died more thicke than ofthe pestilence: I haue seene an olde woman at that season hauing threechins, wipe them all away one after another, as they melted to water, and left her selfe nothing of a mouth but an vpper chap. Looke how inMay or the heat of Summer we lay butter in water for feare it shuldmelte awaie, so then were men faine to wet their clothes in water asDiers doo, and hide themselues in welles from the heate of the Sunne. 

Then happie was he that was an asse, for nothing wyll kill an assebut colde, and none dide but with extreame heate. The fishes calledSeastarres, that burne one another by excessiue heate, were not socontagious as one man that had the sweate was to another. Masons paidnothing for haire to mix their lime, nor giouers to stuffe their ballswith, for then they had it for nothing, it dropt off mens heads andbeardes faster than anie Barber could shaue it. O if haire breeches hadthen beene in fashion, what a fine world had it beene for Taylers, andso it was a fine world for Tailers neuerthelesse, for hee that couldmake a garment sleightest and thinnest, carried it awaie. Cutters Ican tell you, then stood vpon it, to haue their trade one of the twelueCompanies, for who was it then that would not haue his doublet cut tothe skin, and his shirt cut into it to, to make it more colde. It wasas much as a mans life was worth, once to name a freeze ierken, it wastreason for a fat grosse man to come within fiue miles of the court, I heard where they dide vp all in one family, and not a mothers childeescapt, insomuch as they had but an Irish rug lockt vp in a presse, and not laide vpon anie bedde neither, if those that were sicke ofthis maladie slept on it, they neuer wakt more. Phisitions with theirsimples, in this case were simple fellowes, and knew not which way tobestir them. Galen might goe shop the gander for anie good he could doe, his secretatyes had so long called him diuine, that now he had lost allhis vertue vpon earth. _Hippocrates_ might well helpe Almanack makers, but here he had not a worde to saie, a man might sooner catch the sweatewith plodding ouer him to no end, than cure the sweat with any of hisimpotent principles. _Paracelsus_ with his spirit of the butterie, andhis spirits of minerals, could not so much as say, God amend him, to thematter. _Plus erat in artifice quant arte_, there was more infection inthe phisition himselfe than his arte could cure. This mortalitie firstbegan amongst olde men, for they taking a pride to haue their breastsloose basted with tedious beards, kept their houses so hot with thesehairy excrements, that not so much but their very wals sweat out saltPeter, with the smoothering perplexitie, nay a number of them hadmeruailous hot breaths, which sticking in the briers of their bushiebeardes, could not choose, but (as close aire long imprisoned) engendercorruption. Wiser was our brother _Bankes_ of these latter dais, whomade his iugling horse a cut, for feare if at anie time hee shouldfoist, the stinke sticking in his thicke bushie taile might be noisometo his auditors. Should I tell you how many purseuants with red noses, and sargeants with precious faces shrunke away in this sweat, you wouldnot beleeve me. Euen as the Salamander with his very sight blastethapples on the trees, so a purseuant or a sargeant at this present, withthe verie reflexe of his fine facias, was able to spoile a man a farreof. In some places of the world there is no shadow of the sunne, _Diebusillis_ if it had bene so in England, the generation of _Brute_ had diedall and some. To knit vp this description in a pursuat, so feruentand scorching was the burning aire which inclosed them, that the mostblessed man then aliue, would haue thoght that God had done fairely byhim, if he had turnde him to a goat, for goates take breath not at themouth or nose only, but at y eares also. 

Take breath how they would, I vowd to tarrie no longer amongst them. Asat Turwin I was a demie souldier in iest, so now I became a martiallistin earnest. Ouer sea with my implements I got me, where hearing the kingof France and the Swizers were together by the ears, I made towards themas fast as I could, thinking to thrust my selfe into that faction thatwas strongest It was my good lucke or my ill, I know not which, to comeiust to ye fighting of the battel, where I sawe a wonderfull spectacleof bloud shed on both sides, here the vnwildie swizers wallowingin their gore, like an oxe in his doung, there the sprightly Frenchsprawling and turning on the stayned grasse, like a roach newe taken outof the streame, all the ground was strewed as thicke with battle axes, as the carpenters yard with chips. The plaine appeared like a quagmire, ouerspread as it was with trampled dead bodies. In one place might youbeholde a heape of dead murthered men ouerwhelmed with a falling steed, in stead of a tombe stone, in another place a bundle of bodies fetteredtogether in theyr owne bowels, and as the tyrant Romane Empereurs vsedto tie condemned liuing caitifes face to face to dead corses, so werethe halfe liuing here mixt with squeazed carcases long putrifide. Anieman might giue armes that was an actor in that battell, for there weremore armes and legs scattered in the field that daie, than will begathered vp till dooms daie, the French king himselfe in this conflictwas much distressed, the braines of his owne men sprinkled in his face, thrice was his courser slaine vnder him, and thrice was hee strucke onthe breast with a speare, but in the end, by the helpe of the Venetians, the Heluesians or Swizers were subdude, and he crowned victor, a peaceconcluded, and the cittie of Millain surrendered vnto him, as a pledgeof reconciliation. That warre thus blowen ouer, and the seueral bandsdissolued, like a crow that still followes aloofe where there iscarrion, I flew me ouer to Munster in Germanie, which an Anabaptisticallbrother named _Iohn Leiden_ kepte at that instant against the Emperorand the Duke of Saxonie. Here I was in good hope to set vp my staffe forsome reasonable time, deeming that no Citie would driue it to asiege except they were able to holde out, and pretily well had theseMunsterians held out, for they kept the Emperour and the Duke of Saxoniesound plaie for the space of a yeere, and longer wold haue done, butthat dame famine came amongst them, wherevppon they were forst bymessengers to agree vpon a daie of fight, when according to theyranabaptisticall errour they might be all new christned in theyr ownebloud. 

That daie come, flourishing entered _lohn Leiden_ the botcher into thefield, with a scarfe made of lists, like a bowcase, a crosse on hisbrest like a thred bottom, a round twilted Tailers cushion buckled lykea tancard bearers deuice to his shoulders for a target, the pike whereofwas a packe needle, a tough prentises club for his speare, a greatbrewers cow on his back for a corslet, and on his head for a helmeta huge high shoo with the bottome turnd vpward, embossed as full ofhobnailes as euer it might sticke, his men were all base handie craftes, as coblers, and curriers, and tinkers, whereof some had barres of yron, some hatchets, some coole staues, some dung forks, some spades, somemattockes, some wood kniues, some addsses for theyr weapons, he that wasbest prouided, had but a peece of a rustie browne bill brauely fringedwith cobwebbes to fight for him: perchance here and there you might seea felow that had a canker eaten seul on his head, which serued him andhis ancestors for a chamber pot two hundred yeeres, and another that hadbent a couple of yron dripping pans armourwise, to fence his backeand his belly, another that had thrust a payre of dry olde bootes as abreast plate before his belly of his doublet, because he would notbe dangerously hurt: another that had twilted all his trusse full ofcounters, thinking if the enemie shoulde take him, he would mistake themfor golde, and so saue his life for his money. Very deuout asses theywere, for all they were so dunstically set forth, & such as thoughtthey knew as much of Gods minde as richer men, why inspiration was theirordinarie familiar, and buzde in theyr eares like a Bee in a boxe eueriehoure what newes from heauen, hell, and the lands of whipperginnie, displease them who durst, hee shoulde have his mittimus to damnation _extempore_, they woulde vaunt there was not a pease difference twixt themand the Apostles, they were as poore as they, of as base trades as they, and no more inspired than they, and with God there is no respect ofpersons, onely herein may seeme some little diuersitie to lurke, that_Peter_ wore a sword, and they count it flat hel fire for anie man toweare a dagger, nay so grounded and grauelled were they in this opinion, that now when they should come to battel, thers nere a one of them woldbring a blade (no not an onion blade) about him, to die for it Itwas not lawfull sayde they, for anie man to draw the sworde but themagistrate, and in fidelitie (which I had welnigh forgot) _Iacke Leiden_theyr magistrate had the image or likenesse of a peece of a rustie swordlike a lusty lad by his side, now I remember me, it was but a foileneither, and he wore it, to shew that he should haue the foile of hisenemies, which might haue bin an oracle for his twohande interpretation. _Quid plura_, his battell is pitcht, by pitcht, I do not meane set inorder, for that was far from their order, onely as sailers do pitchtheir appareil, to make it stormeproofe, so had most of them pitchttheir patcht clothes, to make them impearceable. A neerer way than tobe at the charges of armor by halfe: and in another sort hee mightbee sayde to haue pitcht y field, for he had pitcht or set vp his restwhither to flie if they were discomfited. Peace, peace there in thebelfrie, seruice begins, vpon their knees before they ioyne, fals _IohnLeiden_ and his fraternitie verie deuoutly, they pray, they houle, theyexpostulate with God to grant them victory, and vse such vnspeakablevehemence, a man would thinke them the onely well bent men vtiderheauen, wherein let mee dilate a little more grauely than the nature ofthis historie requires, or will be expected of so young a practitionerin diuinitie: that not those that intermissiuely cry, Lord open vnto us, Lord open vnto us, enter first into the kingdome of heauen, that not thegreatest professors haue the greatest portion in grace, that all isnot golde that glisters. When Christ sayd, the kingdome of heauen mustsuffer violence, hee meant not the violence of long babling praiers tono purpose, nor the violence of tedious inuective sermons without wit, but the violence of faith, the violence of good works, the violence ofpatient suffering. The ignorant arise and snatch the kingdome of heauento themselues with greedines, when we with all our learning sinke downeinto hell. Where did _Peter_ and _Iohn_ in the third of the Acts, findethe lame cripple but in the gate of the temple called beautifull, in thebeautifullest gates of our temple, in the forefront of professors, aremany lame cripples, lame in lyfe, lame in good workes, lame in eueriething, yet will they alwayes sit at the gates of the temple, none bemore forwarde tha they to enter into matters of reformation, yet nonemore behinde hand to enter into the true temple of the Lord by the gatesof good life. You may obiect, that those which I speak against, aremore diligent in reading the scriptures, more carefull to resort vntosermons, more sober in their lookes and modest in their attire than anieelse: but I praie you let me aunswere you, Doth not Christ saie, thatbefore the latter daie the Sunne shall be turned into darknes, & theMoone into bloud, whereof what may the meaning be, but that theglorious sun of the gospell shall be eclipsed with the dun cloude ofdissimulation, that that which is the brightest planet of saluation, shall be a meanes of errour and darknes: and the moone shal be turnedinto bloud, those that shine fairest, make the simplest shew, seeme mostto fauour religion, shall rent out the bowels of the Church, be turnedinto bloud, and all this shall come to passe, before the notable daieof the Lord, whereof this age is the eue. Let me vse a more familiarexample since the heate of a great number hath outraged so excessiuely. Did not the deuill leade Christ to the pinacle or highest part of thetemple to tempt him, if he lead Christ, he wil leade a whole armie ofhypocrites to the toppe or highest part of the temple, the highest stepof religion and holines, to seduce them and subuert them. I say vnto youthat which this our tempted sauiour with many other words besought hisdisciples, saue your selues from this froward generation. Verily, verilythe seruaunt is not greater than his master: verily, verily, sinfulmen are not holier than holy Jesus their maker. That holy Jesus againerepeats this holy sentence, Remember the wordes I sayde vnto you, theseruant is not holier or greater than his master, as if he should say, remember then, imprint in your memorie your pride and singularitie willmake you forget them, the effectes of them many yeeres hence willcome to passe. Whosoeuer will seeke to saue his soule shall loose itWhosoeuer seekes by headlong meanes to enter into heauen, & disanullGods ordinance, shal with y gyants that thought to scale heauen incontempt of Jupiter, be ouerwhelmed with mount Ossa & Pelion, & dwelwith the deuill in eternal desolation. Though the high priests officewas expired, when _Paul_ said vnto one of them, God rebuke thee thoupainted sepulchre, yet when a stander by reproued him saying, Reuilestthou the high priest? he repented & askt forgiuenesse. That which Isuppose I doe not grant, the lawfulnes of the authoritie they opposethemselues agaynst, is sufficiently proued, farre bee it my vnderageargumentes should intrude themselues as a greene weake prop to supportso high a building, let it suffice, if you knowe Christ, you know hisfather also, if you know Christianitie, you know the Fathers of theChurch also, but a greate number of you with _Philip_ haue bene longwith Christ, and haue not knowen him, haue long professed your seluesChristians, and not knowen his true ministers, you follow the French andScotitsh fashion and faction, and in all pointes are lyke the Swizers, _Qui quorunt cum qua gente cadunt_, that seeke with what nation they mayfirst miscarrie. 

In the dayes of _Nero_ there was an odde fellowe that had found out anexquisite waie to make glasse as hammer proofe as golde: shall I saie, that the like experiment he made vppon glasse, we haue practised on theGospell? I, confidently will I, we haue found out a slight to hammer itto anie heresie whatsoeuer, but those furnaces of falshood and hammerheads of heresie must be dissolued and broken as his was, or els I feareme the false glittering glasse of innouation will bee better esteemed ofthan the ancient gold of the gospell. The fault of faults is this, thatyour dead borne faith is begotten by to too infant fathers. _Cato_ oneof the wisest men Roman histories canonized, was not borne till hisfather was foure score yeeres olde, none can be a perfect fatherof faith and beget men aright vnto God, but those that are aged inexperience, haue many yeres imprinted in their milde conuersation, andhaue with Zaclteus sold all their possessions of vanities, to inioy thesweet fellowshippe, not of the humane but spirituall messias. Ministersand pastors sell awaie your sects and schismes to the decrepite Churchesin contention beyond sea, they haue bene so long inured to warre bothabout matters of religion and regiment, that now they haue no peace ofminde, but in troubling all other mens peace. Because the pouertie oftheir prouinces will allow them no proportionable maintenance for highercallings of ecclesiasticall magistrates, they would reduce vs to thepresident of their rebellious persecuted beggerie: much like the sectof philosophers called cinikes, who when they saw they were borne tono lands or possessions, nor had anie possible meanes to support theirdesperate estates, but they must liue despised and in miserie doe whatthey could, they plotted and consulted with themselues howe to maketheyr pouertie better esteemed of than rich dominion and soueraigntie. The vpshot of their plotting and consultation was this, that they wouldliue to themselues, scorning the verie breath or conipanie of all men, they profest (according to y rate of their lands) voluntarie pouerty, thin fare and lying hard, contemning and inueighing against al thoseas brute beasts whatsoeuer whom the world had giuen anie reputation forriches or prosperitie. _Diogenes_ was one of the first and fonnost ofthe ringleaders of this rustie morositie, and he for all his nicedogged disposition, and blunt deriding of worldly drosse, and the grossefelycitie of fooles, was taken notwithstanding a little after veriefairely coining monie in his cell: so fares it vp and down with ourcinicall reformed forraine Churches, they will disgest no grapes of greatBishoprikes forsooth, because they cannot tell how to come by them, theymust shape their cotes good men according to their cloth, and doe asthey may, not as they woulde, yet they must giue vs leaue heere inEngland that are their honest neighbours, if wee haue more cloth thanthey, to make our garment somewhat larger. What was the foundation orgroundworke of this dismall declining of Munster, but the banishing oftheir Bishop, their confiscating and casting lots for Church liuings, as the souldiers cast lots for Christes garments, and in short tearmes, theyr making the house of God a den of theeues. The house of God a numberof hungry church robbers in these dayes haue made a den of theeues. Theeues spend loosely what they haue got lightly, sacriledge is no sureinheritance, _Dionisius_ was nere the richer for robbing _Iupiter_ ofhis golden coate, he was driuen in the end to play the schoolmaster atCorinth. The name of religion, be it good or bad that is ruinated, Godneuer suffers vnreuenged, He say of it as _Ouid_ sayd of Eunuchs:

_Qui primus pueris genitalia membra recidit Vulnera qua fecit deduitipse pati. _

 Who first depriude yong boies of their best part, With selfe same wounds he gaue he ought to smart. 

So would he that first gelt religion or Churchliuings had bin first gelthimselfe or neuer liued, Cardinall _Wolsey_ is the man I aime at, _Quiin suas ponas ingeniosus erat_, first gaue others a light to his owneouerthrow. How it prospered with him and his instruments that afterwrought for themselues, Chronicles largely report, though not apply, andsome parcel of their punishment yet vnpaid, I doe not doubt but will beerequired of their posteritie. 

To go forward with my storie of the ouerthrowe of that vsurper _IohnLeiden_, he and all his armie (as I saide before) falling prostrate ontheir faces, and ferquently giuen ouer to praier, determined neuer tocease, or leaue soliciting of God, till he had shewed them from heauensome manifest miracle of successe. Note that it was a general receiuedtradition both with _I. Leiden_ and all the crue of Cnipper-dolings andMuncers, if God at anie time at their vehement outcries and clamors didnot condiscend to their requests, to raile on him and curse him to hisface, to dispute with him, and argue him of iniustice, for not beingso good as his word with them, and to vrge his many promises in thescripture against him: so that they did not serue God simply, but thathee shoulde serue their turnes, and after that tenure are many contentto serue as bondmen to saue the danger of hanging: but he that seruesGod aright, whose vpright conscience hath for his mot, _Amor est mikicausa sequendi_, I serue because I loue: he saies, _Ego te potius dominequam tua dona sequar_, He rather follow thee O Lord, for thine ownesake, than for anie couetous respect of that thou canst do for me, Christ would haue no folowers, but such as forsooke all and follow him, such as forsake all their owne desires, such as abandon all expectationsof rewarde in this world, such as neglected and contemned their liues, their wiues and children in comparison of him, and were content to takevp their crosse and folow him. These Anabaptists had not yet forsookeall and followed Christ, they had not forsooke their owne desires ofreuenge and innouation, they had not abandoned their expectation of thespoile of their enimies, they regarded their liues, they lookt aftertheir wiues & children, they tooke not vp their crosse of humilitie andfollowed him, but would crosse him, vpbraid him, and set him at naught, if he assured not by some signe their praiers and supplications. _Deteriora sequuntur_, they folowed God as daring him. God heard theirpraiers, _Quod petitur poena est_, It was their speedie punishmentthat they praide for. Lo according to the summe of their impudentsupplications, a signe in the heauens appeard the glorious signe of therainbow, which agreed iust with the signe of their ensigne that was arainbowe likewise. Wherevpon assuring themselues of victorie, (_Miseriquod volunt facile credunt_) that which wretches woulde haue they easilybeleeue. With shoutes and clamours they presentlie ranne headlongon theyr well deserued confusion. Pittifull and lamentable was theirvnpittied and well performed slaughter. To see euen a Beare (whichis the most cruellest of all beastes) to too bloudily ouermatcht, anddeformedly rent in peeces by an vnconscionable number of curres, itwoulde moue compassion against kinde, and make those that beholding himat the stake yet vncoapte with, wisht him a sutable death to his vglyshape, now to recall their hard hearted wishes, and moane him sufferingas a mild beast, in comparison of the foule mouthed mastifes hisbutchers: euen such compassion dyd those ouermatcht vngratiousMunsterians obtayne of many indifferent eyes, who now thought themsuffering, to bee as sheepe brought innocent to the shambles, when asbefore they deemed them as a number of wolues vp in armes agaynst theshepheardes. The Emperyalles themselues that were theyr executioners(lyke a Father that weepes when he beates his child, yet still weepesand still beates) not without much ruth and sorrow prosecuted thatlamentable massacre, yet drumms and trumpets sounding nothing butstearne reuenge in their eares, made them so eager, that their handshad no leasure to aske counsell of theyr effeminate eyes, theyr swords, theyr pikes, theyr bils, their bows, their caleeuers flew, empierced, knockt downe, shot thorough, and ouerthrew as many men euerie minute ofthe battell, as there fais eares of corne before the sithe at one blowe, yet all theyr weapons so slaying, empiercing, knocking downe, shootingthrough, ouerthrowing, dissouleioyned not halfe so many, as the hailingthunder of their great ordenance so ordinary at euerie footstep was theimbrument of iron in bloud, that one could hardly discerne heads frombullettes, or clottered haire from mangled flesh hung with gore. Thistale must at one time or other giue vp the ghost, and as good now asstay longer, I would gladly rid my hands of it cleanly if I could tellhow, for what with talking of coblers, & tinkers, & roapemakers, andbotchers, and durt-daubers, the marke is cleane gone out of my musesmouth, and I am as it were more than dunsified twixt divinitie andpoetrie. What is there more as touching this tragedie that you would beresolued of? saie quickly, for now my pen is got vpon his feet again:how _I. Leiden_ dide, is y it? he dide like a dog, he was hanged and thehalter paid for. For his companions, do they trouble you? I can tel youthey troubled some men before, for they were all kild, and none escapt, no not so much as one to tel the tale of the rainbow. Heare what it isto be Anabaptists, to bee puritans, to be villaines, you may be countedilluminate botchers for a while, but your end wil be Good people prayfor me. 

With the tragicall catastrophe of this munsterian conflict, did Icashier the new vocation of my caualiership. There was no more honorablewars in christendome then towards, wherefore after I had learned tobe halfe an houre in bidding a man _boniure_ in germane sunonimas, Itrauelled along the cuntrie towards England as fast as I could. Whatwith wagons & bare tentoes hauing attained to Middleborough (good Lordsee the changing chances of vs knight arrant infants) I met with theright honourable Lord _Henrie Howard_ Earle of Surrey my late master, Jesu I was perswaded. 

I shoulde not be more glad to see heauen than I was to see him, O it wasa right noble Lord, liberalitie itselfe, (if in this yron age there wereanie such creature as liberality left on the earth) a prince in contentbecause a Poet without peere. Destinie neuer defames her selfe butwhen she lets an excellent poet die: if there bee anie sparke of Adamsparadized perfection yet emberd vp in the breastes of mortall men, certainely God hath bestowed that his perfectest image on poets. Nonecome so neere to God in wit, none more contemne the world, _vatis auarusnon temere est animus, sayth Horace, versus amat, hoc studet vnurn_. Seldom haue you seene anie Poet possessed with auarice, onely verses heloues, nothing else he delights in: and as they contemne the world, socontrarily of the mechanicall worlde are none more contemned. Despisedthey are of the worlde, because they are not of the world: theirthoughts are exalted aboue the worlde of ignorance and all earthlyconceits. 

As sweet angelicall queristers they are continually conuersant in theheauen of artes, heauen it selfe is but the highest height of knowledge, he that knowes himselfe & all things else, knowes the means to behappie: happy, thrice happie are they whome God hath doubled his spiritevppon, and giuen a double soule vnto to be Poets. My heroicall masterexceeded in this supernaturall kinde of wit, hee entertained no grosseearthly spirite of auarice, nor weake womanly spirit of pusillanimityand feare that are fained to be of the water, but admirable, airie, andfirie spirites, full of freedome, magnanimitie and bountihood. Let menot speake anie more of his accomplishments, for feare I spend al myspirits in praising him and leaue my selfe no vigor of wit, or effectesof a soule to goe forward with my history. Hauing thus met him I so muchadored, no interpleading was there of opposite occasions, but backe Imust returne and beare halfe stakes with him in the lotterie oftrauell. I was not altogether vnwilling to walke along with such a goodpurse-bearer, yet musing what changeable humor had so sodainly seducedhim from his natiue soyle to seeke out needlesse perils in these partsbeyond sea, one night verie boldly I demaunded of him the reason thatmoued him thereto. 

Ah quoth he, my little Page, full little canst thou perceiue howe farremetamorphozed I am from my selfe, since I last sawe thee. There isa little God called Loue, that will not bee worshipt of anie leadenbraines, one that proclaimes himselfe sole king and Emperour of pearcingeyes and chiefe soueraigtie of softe heartes, hee it is that exercisinghis empire in my eyes, hath exorcized and cleane coniured me from mycontent. Thou knowest stately _Geraldine_, too stately I feare for me todoe homage to her statue or shrine, she it is that is come out of Italyto bewitch all the wise men of England, vpon Queene _Katherine Dowager_shee waites, that hath a dowrie of beautie sufficient to make her wooedof the greatest kings in christendome. Her high exalted sunne beameshaue set the phenix neast of my breast on fire, and I my selfe hauebrought Arabian spiceries of sweete passions and praises, to furnish outthe funerall flame of my folly. Those who were condemned to be smotheredto death by sinking downe into the softe bottome of an high built beddeof roses, neuer dide so sweete a death as I shoulde die, if her rosecoloured disdaine were my deathsman. Oh thrice emperiall Hampton court, _Cupids_ inchaunted castle, the place where I first sawe the perfectomnipotence of the Almightie expressed in mortalitie, tis thou alone, that tithing all other men solace in thy pleasant scituation, affoordestmee nothing but an excellent begotten sorrowe out of the chiefetreasurie of all thy recreations. 

Deare _Wilton_, vnderstand that there it was where I first set eie on mymore than celestiall Geraldine. Seeing her I admired her, all the wholereceptacle of my sight was vnhabited with her rare worth. Long sute andvncessant protestations got me the grace to be entertained. Did neuervnlouing seruant so prentiselike obey his neuer pleased mistres, asI dyd her. My lyfe, my wealth, my friendes, had all theyr destiniedepending on her command. Uppon a time I was determined to trauell, thefame of Italy, and an especiall affection I had vnto Poetrie my secondmistres, for which Italy was so famous, had wholy rauisht mee vnto itThere was no dehortment from it, but needes thether I woulde, whereforecomming to my mistres as she was then walking with other Ladyes ofestate in paradice at Hampton court, I most humblie besought her offauour, that shee would giue me so much gracious leaue to absent myselfe from her seruice, as to trauell a yeare or two in Italy. She veriediscreetly aunswered mee, that if my loue were so hot as I had oftenauouched, I dyd verie well to applie the plaister of absence vnto it, for absence, as they saie, causeth forgetfulnesse, yet neuerthelessesince it is Italy my natiue Countrie you are so desirous to see, I amthe more willing to make my will yours: _I pete Italiam_, go and seekeItalie with Aenoas, but bee more true than _Aenoas_, I hope that kindewit-cherishing climate will worke no change in so wittie a breast. Nocountrie of mine shall it be more, if it conspire with thee, in anienewe loue agaynst mee. One charge I will giue thee, and let it beerather a request than a charge: When thou commest to Florence (the fayreCitie from whence I fetcht the pride of my birth) by an open challengedefende my beautie agaynst all commers. 

Thou hast that honourable carryage in armes, that it shall bee nodiscredite for mee to bequeath all the glorie of my beautie to thy wellgouerned arme. Faine woulde I be knowen where I was borne, fayne wouldeI haue thee knowen where fame sits in her chiefest theater. Farewell, forget mee not, continued deserts will eternize me vnto thee, thy fullwishes shall bee expired when thy trauell shall be once ended. 

Heere dyd teares steppe out before wordes, and intercepted the courseof my kinde concerned speech, euen as winde is allayed with raine: withheart scalding sighes I confirmed her parting request, and vowed myselfe hers, while liuing heate allowed mee to bee mine owne, _Hinc illolachrimo_ heere hence proceedeth the whole cause of my peregrination. 

Not a litle was I delighted with this vnexpected loue story, especiallyfrom a mouth out of which was nought wont to march but sterne preceptsof grauitie and modestie. I sweare vnto you I thought his companiethe better by a thousande crownes, because he had discarded those nicetearmes of chastitie and continencie. Now I beseech God loue me so wellas I loue a plain dealing man, earth is earth, flesh is flesh, earthwil to earth, and flesh vnto flesh, fraile earth, fraile flesh, who cankeepe you from the worke of your creation. 

Dismissing this fruitlesse annotation _pro et contra_, towards Venice weprogrest, & tooke Roterdam in our waie, that was cleane out of our waie, there wee met with aged learninges chiefe ornament, that abundant andsuperingenious clarke _Erasmus_, as also with merrie sir _Thomas Moore_our Countrieman, who was come purposely ouer a little before vs, tovisite the sayd graue father _Erasmus_: what talk, what conference wehad then, it were heere superfluous to rehearse, but this I canassure you, _Erasmus_ in al his speeches seemed so much to mislike theindiscretion of princes in preferring of parasites & fooles, thathe decreed with himselfe to swim with the streame, and write a bookeforthwith in commendation of folly. Quick witted sir _ThomasMoore_ traueld in a cleane contrarie prouince, for hee seeing mostcommonwealths corrupted by ill custome, & that principalities werenothing but great piracies, which gotten by violence and murther, weremaintained by priuate vndermining and bloudshed, that in the chiefestflourishing kingdomes there was no equal or wel diuided weale one withanother, but a manifest conspiracie of rich men against poore men, procuring their owne vnlawfull commodities vnder the name and interestof the commonwealth: he concluded with himselfe to lay downe a perfectplot of a commonwealth or gouernment, which he would intitle his_Vtopia_. So lefte wee them to prosecute their discontented studies, &made our next iourney to Wittenberg. 

At the verie point of our enterance into Wittenberg, wee were spectatorsof a verie solemne scolasticall entertainment of the Duke of Saxoniethether. Whome because he was the chiefe patrone of their vniuersitie, and had tooke _Luthers_ parte in banishing the masse and all lyke papallJurisdiction out of their towne, they croucht vnto extreamly. The chiefeceremonies of their entertainment were these: first, the heads of theirvniuersitie, (they were great heads of certaintie) met him in theirhooded hypocrisie and doctorly accoustrement, _secundum formam statuti_, where by the Orator of the vniuersitie, whose pickerdeuant was veryplentifully besprinkled with rose water, a verie learned or ratherruthfull Oration was deliuered (for it raind all the while) signifiengthus much, that it was al by patch and by peecemeale stolne out of_Tully_, & he must pardon them, though in emptying their phrase bookes, the ayre emptied his intrailes, for they did it not in anie ostentationof wit (which they had not) but to shewe the extraordinarie good willthey bare the Duke, (to haue him stand in the raine tyll he was thoroughwet) a thousand _quernadmodums_ and _quapropters_ he came ouer him with, euery sentence he concluded with _Esse posse videatur_: through all thenine worthies he ran with praising and comparing him, _Nestors_ yeareshee assured him off vnder the broade seale of their supplications, andwith that crowe troden verse in Virgil, _Dum iuga montis aper_, heepackt vp his pipes, and cride _dixi_. 

That pageant ouerpast, there rusht vpon him a miserable rabblement ofiunior graduats, that all crid out vpon him mightily in their gibrigelyke a companie of beggers, God saue your grace, God saue your grace, Jesus preserue your highnes, though it be but for an houre. 

Some three halfe pennyworth of Latine here also had he throwen at hisface, but it was choise stuffe I can tell you, as there is a choise euenamongest ragges gathered vp from the dunghill. At the townes end methim the burgers and dunstical incorporationers of Wittenberg in theirdistinguished liueries, their distinguished liuerie faces I mene, forthey were most of them hot liuered dronkards, and had all the coatecoulours of sanguin, purple, crimson, copper, carnation that were to behad in their countenaunces. Filthy knaues, no cost had they bestowedon the town for his welcome, sauing new painted their houghs & bousinghouses, which commonly are built fayrer than their Churches, and ouertheir gates set the town armes, which sounded gulping after this sort, _Vanhotten, slotten, irk bloshen glotten gelderslike_: what euer thewordes were, the sense was this, Good drinke is a medicine for alldiseases. 

A bursten belly inkhorne orator called _Vanderhulke_ they pickt out topresent him with an oration, one that had a sulpherous big swolne largeface, like a Saracen, eies lyke two kentish oysters, a mouth that openedas wide euerie time hee spake, as one of those olde knit trap doores, abeard as though it had bin made of a birds neast pluckt in peeces, whichconsisteth of strawe, haire, and durt mixt together. Hee was apparelledin blacke leather new licourd, and a short gowne without any gatheringin the backe, faced before and behind with a boistrous Beare skinne, and a red nightcap on his head. To this purport and effecte was thisbroccing double beere Oration. 

Right noble Duke (_ideo nobilis quasi nobilis_) for you haue no bile orcholar in you, know that our present incorporation of Wittenberg, byme the tongue-man of their thankfulnes, a townesman by birth, a freeGermane by nature, an oratour by arte, and a scriuener by education, in all obedience & chastity, most bountifully bid you welcome toWittenberg: welcome sayde I? O orificiall rethorike wipe thy euerlastingmouth, and affoord me a more Indian metaphor than that, forthe braueprincely bloud of a Saxon. Oratorie vncaske the hard hutch of thycomplements, and with the triumphantest troupe in thy treasurie doetrewage vnto him. What impotent speech with his eight partes may notspecifie this vnestimable guift holding his peace, shall as it were(with teares I speake it) do wherby as it may seeme or appeare, tomanifest or declare & yet it is, & yet it is not, & yet it may bee adiminitiue oblation meritorious to your high pusillanimitie & indignity. Why shoulde I goe gadding and fisgigging after firking flantadoAmphibologies, wit is wit, and good will is good will. With all the witI haue, I here according to the premises, offer vp vnto you the Citiesgenerall good will, which is a guilded Canne, in manner and formefollowing, for you and the heires of your bodie lawfully begotten, todrinke healths in. The scolasticall squitter bookes clout you vpcannopies & footclothes of verses. Wee that are good fellowes, and liueas merrie as cup and can, will not verse vpon you as they do, but mustdoe as we can, and entertaine you if it bee but with a playne emptieCanne. He hath learning inough that hath learnd to drinke to his firstman. 

Gentle Duke, without paradox be it spoken, thy horses at your owneproper costs and charges shall kneed vp to the knees all the while thouart here in spruce beere & lubeck licour. Not a dog thou bringst withthee but shall be banketted with rhenish wine and sturgion. On ourshoulders we weare no lamb skin or miniuer like these academikes, yetwee can drinke to the confusion of all thy enemies. Good lambes-woollhaue we for their lambe skins, and for their miniuer, large minerals inour coffers. Mechanicall men they call vs, and not amisse, for most ofvs being _Mochi_, yt is, cuckolds & whooremasters, fetch our antiquitiefrom the temple of _Mocha_, where Mahomet is hung vp. Three parts of theworld, America, Affrike and Asia, are of this our mechanike religion. _Nero_ when he crid _O quantus artifex pereo_, profest himselfe of ourfreedome. Insomuch as _Artifex_ is a citizen or craftsman, as wel as_Carnifex_ a scholler or hangman. Passe on by leaue into the precinctsof our abhomination. Bony Duke, frolike in our bowse, and perswade thyselfe that euen as garlike hath three properties, to make a man winke, drinke, and stinke, so wee wyll winke on thy imperfections, drinke tothy fauorites, & all thy foes shall stinke before vs. So be it Farewell. 

The Duke laught not a little at this ridiculous oration, but that verienight, as great an ironicall occasion was ministred, for he wasbidden to one of the chiefe schoolesto a Comedie handled by scollers. _Acolastus_ the prodigall childe was the name of it, which was sofilthily acted, so leathernly sette foorth, as woulde haue mouedlaughter in _Heraclitus_. One as if he had beene playning a clay floorestampingly troade the stage so harde with his feete, that I thoughtverily he had resolued to doe the Carpenter that sette it vp some vttershame. Another floung his armes lyke cudgelles at a peare tree, in somuch as it was mightily dreaded that hee woulde strike the candles thathung aboue theyr heades out of their sockets, and leaue them all darke. Another did nothing but winke and make faces. There was a parasite, &he with clapping his hands and thripping his fingers seemed to dancean antike to and fro The onely thing they did well, was the prodigalchildes hunger, most of their schollers being hungerly kept, and surelyyou would haue sayd they had ben brought vp in hogs academie to learneto eate acornes, if you had seene how sedulously they fell to them. Nota iest had they to keepe their auditors from sleepe but of swill anddraffe, yes now and then the seruant put his hand into the dish beforehis master, and almost choakt himselfe, eating slouenly and rauenouslyto cause sport. 

The next daie they had solempne disputations, where _Luther_ and_Carolostadius_ scolded leuell coile. A masse of words I wot well theyheapt vp against the masse and the Pope, but farther perticulars oftheir disputations I remember not. I thought verily they woulde haueworried one another with wordes, they were so earnest and vehement. _Luther_ had the louder voice, _Carolostadius_ went beyond him inbeating and bounsing with his fists, _Quæ supra nos nihil ad nos_. Theyvttered nothing to make a man laugh, therefore I wil leaue them. Marytheyr outward iestures now and then would affoorde a man a morsell ofmirth: of those two I meane not so much, as of all the other traine ofopponents and respondents. One peckte like a crane with his forefingerat euery halfe sillable he brought forth, and nodded with his nose likean olde singing man, teaching a yong querister to keepe time. Anotherwould be sure to wipe his mouth with his handkercher at the end ofeuerie full point And euer when he thought he had cast a figureso curiously, as he diu'de ouer head and eares into his auditorsadmiration, hee would take occasion to stroke vp his haire, and twinevp his mustachios twice or thrice ouer while they might haue leasureto applaud him. A third wauerd and wagled his head, like a proud horseplaying with his bridle, or as I haue seene some fantasticall swimmer, at euerie stroke, traine his chin sidelong ouer his left shoulder. Afourth swet and foamed at the mouth, for verie anger his aduersariehad denied that part of his sillogisme which he was not prepared toaunswere. A fifth spread his armes like an vsher that goes before tomake roome, and thript with his finger & his thumbe when he thought hehad tickled it with a conclusion. A sixt hung downe his countenance lykea sheepe, and stutted and slauered verie pittifully when his inuentionwas stept aside out of the waie. A seuenth gaspt and gapt for winde, and groned in his pronunciation as if he were hard bound in some badargument. Grosse plodders they were all, that had some learning andreading, but no wit to make vse of it They imagined the Duke tooke thegreatest pleasure and contentment vnder heauen to heare them speak. Latine, and as long as they talkt nothing but _Tully_ he was bound toattend them. A most vaine thing it is in many vniuersities at this daye, that they count him excellent eloquent, who stealeth not whole phrasesbut whole pages out of _Tully_. If of a number of shreds of hissentences he can shape an oration, from all the world hee carriesit awaie, although in truth it be no more than a fooles coat of manycoulours. No inuention or matter haue they of theyr owne, but tacke vpa stile of his stale galimafries. The leaden headed Germanes first beganthis, and we Englishmen haue surfetted of their absurd imitation. Ipittie _Nizolius_ that had nothing to doe, but picke thrids ends out ofan olde ouerworne garment. This is but by the waie, we must looke backeto our disputants. One amongst the rest thinking to be more conceitedthan his fellowes, seeing the Duke haue a dog hee loued well, which sateby him on the tarras, conuerted all his oration to him, and not a haireof his taile but he kembd out with comparisons. So to haue courtedhim if he were a bitch had bin verie suspitious. Another commented& descanted on the Dukes staffe, new tipping it with many queintepithites. Some cast his natiuitie, and promised him he should notdie till the daie of Judgement Omitting further superfluities of thisstampe, in this general assembly we found intermixed that abundantscholler _Cornelius Agrippa_. At that time he bare the fame to be thegreatest coniurer in Christendome. _Scoto_ that did the iugling trickeshere before the Queene, neuer came neere him one quarter in magickereputation. The Doctors of Wittenberg doting on the rumour that wentof him, desired him before the Duke and them to doe somethingextraordinarie memorable. 

One requested to see pleasant _Plautus_, & that he would shew themin what habite hee went, and with what countenaunce he lookt, when heground corne in the mill. Another had halfe a moneths minde to _Ouid_and his hooke nose. _Erasmus_ who was not wanting to that honourablemeeting, requested to see _Tully_ in that same grace and maiestie hepleaded his Oration _pro Roscio Amerino_. Affirming, that til in personhe beheld his importunitie of pleading, he woulde not be perswaded anieman coulde carrie awaie a manifest case with rethorike, so straungely. To _Erasmus_ petition he easily condiscended, and willing the Doctoursat such an houre to holde theyr conuocation, and euerie one to keepe himin his place without mouing: at the time prefixed in entered _Tully_, ascended his pleading place, and declaimed verbatim the fornamedOration, but with such astonishing amazement, with such feruentexaltation of spirite, with such soule-stirring iestures, that all hisauditours were readie to install his guiltie client for a God. 

Greate was the concourse of glorie _Agrippa_ drewe to him with this onefeate. And in deede hee was so cloyed with men which came to beholdehim, that hee was fayne sooner than hee woulde, to returne to theEmperours court from whence hee came, and leaue Wittenberg before heewoulde. With him we trauelled along, hauing purchast his acquaintance alittle before. By the waie as wee went, my master and I agreed to changenames. It was concluded betwixte vs, that I shoulde bee the Earle ofSurrie, and hee my man, onely because in his owne person, which heewoulde not haue reproched, he meant to take more libertie of behauiour. As for my carryage hee knew hee was to tune it at a key, eyther high orlow, or as hee list. 

To the Emperours Court wee came, where our entertainment was euerie waieplentifull, carouses wee had in whole galons in stead of quart pots. Nota health was giuen vs but contayned well neere a hogshead. The customesof the Countrie we were eager to be instructed in, but nothing we couldelearne but this, that euer at the Emperours coronation there is an Oxeroasted with a stagge in the belly, and that stagge in his belly hath akidde, and that kidde is stufte full of birdes. Some courtiers to wearieout time woulde tell vs further tales of _Cornelius Agrippa_, and howwhen sir _Thomas Moore_ our countrieman was there, hee shewed him thewhole destruction of Troy in a dreame. How the Lorde _Cromwell_ beingthe kings Embassador there, in lyke case, in a perspectiue glasse he setbefore his eyes, King Henrie the eight with all his Lordes hunting inhis forrest at Windsore, and when he came into his studie, and was verievrgent to be partaker of some rare experiment, that he might report whenhe came into England, he wilde him amongst two thousande great bookes totake downe which he list, and begin to reade one line in anie place, andwithout booke he woulde rehearse twentie leaues following. _Cromwell_dyd so, and in manye bookes tride him, when in euerie thing hee exceededhis promise and conquered his expectation. To _Charles_ the fiftethen Emperour, they reported how he shewed the nine worthies, _Dauid, Salomon, Gedeon_, and the rest, in that similitude and lykenesse thatthey liued vpon earth. My master and I hauing by the high waie sidegotten some reasonable familiarities with him, vpon this accesse ofmyracles imputed to him, resolued to request him something in our ownebehalfes. I because I was his suborned Lorde and master, desired him tosee the liuely image of _Geraldine_ his loue in the glasse, and what atthat instant she did, and with whome shee was talking. Hee shewed hervs without more adoe, sicke weeping on her bedde, and resolued all intodeuoute religion for the absence of her Lorde. At the sight thereof heecoulde in no wise refrayne, though hee had tooke vppon him the conditionof a seruant, but hee must forthwith frame this extemporall Dittie. 

 _All soule, no earthly fleshy why dost thou fade, All gold, no worthlesse drosse, why lookst thou pale, Sicknesse how darst thou one so faire inuadey Too base infirmitie to worke her bale, Heauen be distemperd since she grieuedpines, Neuer be drie these my sadplaintiue lines. 

 Pearch thou my spirit on her siluer breasts, And with theirpaine redoubled musike beatings, Let them tosse thee to world where all toile rests, Where blisse is subiect to nofeares defeatings, Her praise I tune whose tongue doth tune the sphears, And gets new muses in her hearers eares. 

 Starres fall to fetch fresh light from her rich eyes, Her bright brow driues the Sunne to clouds beneath, Her hair es reflexe with red strokes paints the skies, Sweet morne and euening deaw flowes from her breath: Phoebe rules tides, she my teares tides forth drawesy In her sicke bed hue sits and maketh lawes. 

 Her daintie limbes tinsel I her silke soft sheets, Her rose-crownd cheekes eclipse my daze led sight, O glasse with too much ioy my thoughts thou greets, And yet thou shewst me day but by twielight Ile kisse thee for the kindnesse I hauefelt, Her lips one kisse would vnto Nectar melt. _

Though the Emperors court, and the extraordinaire edifieng companie of_Cornelius Agrippa_ might haue beene arguments of waight to haue arestedvs a little longer there, yet Italy stil stuck as a great moat in mymasters eie, he thought he had trauelled no farther tha Wales til he hadtooke suruey of that Countrie which was such a curious moulder of wits. 

To cut off blinde ambages by the high way side, we made a long stride& got to Venice in short time, where hauing scarce lookt about vs, a precious supernaturall pandor, apparelled in all points like agentleman, and hauing halfe a dosen seuerall languages in his purse, entertained vs in our owne tongue verie paraphrastically and eloquently, and maugre all other pretended acquaintance, would haue vs in a violentkinde of curtesie to be the guests of his appointment. His name was_Petro de campo Frego_, a notable practitioner in the pollicy ofbaudrie. The place whether he brought vs, was a pernicious curtizanshouse named _Tabitha_ the Temptresses, a wench that could set as ciuilla face on it, as chastities first martyr _Lucrecia_. What will youconceit to bee in anie Saintes house that was there to seeke? Bookes, pictures, beades, crucifixes, why there was a haberdashers shop ofthem in euerie chamber. I warrant you should not see one set of herneckercher peruerted or turned awrie, not a piece of a haire displast. On her beddes there was not a wrinkle of anie wallowing to be founde, her pillowes bare out as smooth as a groning wiues belly, & yet she wasa Turke and an infidell, and had more dooinges than all her neighboursbesides. Us for our money they vsed lyke Emperours, I was master as youhearde before, and my master the Earle was but as my chiefe man whome Imade my companion. So it happened (as iniquitie will out at one time orother) that she perceiuing my expence had no more ventes than it shouldhaue, fell in with my supposed semant my man, and gaue him halfe apromise of marriage, if he woulde helpe to make me away, that she and hemight inioy the iewels and wealth that I had. 

The indifficultie of the condition thus she explaind vnto him, herhouse stood vpon vaults, which in two hundred yeeres together wereneuer searcht, who came into her house none tooke notice of, his fellowseruants that knewe of his masters abode there, should be all dispatchtby him as from his master, into sundrie partes of the citie aboutbusines, and when they returned, answere should bee made that hee laynot there anie more, but had remoued to Padua since their departure, &thether they must follow him. Now (quoth she) if you be disposed to makehim awaie in their absence, you shall haue my house at command. Stab, poison, or shoote him through with a pistol all is one, into the vaulthe shall be throwen when the deede is done. On my bare honestie it wasa craftie queane, for she had enacted with her selfe if he had binmy legitimate seruant, as he was one that serued and supplied mynecessities, when hee had murthered me, to haue accused him of themurther, and made all that I had hers (as I carryed all my masterswealth, monie, iewels, rings, or bils of exchaunge continually aboutme. ) He verie subtilly consented to her stratageme at the first motion, kill me he woulde, that heauens could not withstand, and a pistoll wasthe predestinate engin which must deliuer the parting blow. God wot Iwas a rawe young squier, and my master dealt iudasly with me, for hetolde mee but euerie thing that she and he agreed of. Wherfore Icould not possibly preuent it, but as a man woulde saie auoide it. Theexecution daie aspired to his vtmost deuolution, into my chamber camemy honourable attendant with his pistoll charged by his side veriesuspitiously and sullenly, lady _Tabitha_ and _Petro de catnpo Frego_her pandor followed him at the hard heeles. At theyr enterance I salutedthem all verie familiarly and merily, and began to impart vnto them whatdisquiet dreames had disturbed me the last night I dreamd, quoth I, thatmy man _Brunquell_ heere (for no better name got he of mee) came into mychamber with a pistoll charged vnder his arme to kill me, and that heewas suborned by you mistres _Tabitha_, and my verie good friendhere _Petro de campo Frego_. God send it tourne to good, for it hathafrighted mee aboue measure. As they were readie to enter into acolourable common place of the deceitful friuolousnes of dreames, mytrustie seruant _Brunquell_ stoode quiuering and quaking euerie ioyntof him, and (as it was before compacted between vs) let his pistoll dropfrom him on the sodain, wherwith I started out of my bed, and drew myrapier and cride murther, murther, which made good wife _Tabitha_ readieto bepisse her. 

My seruant, or my master, which you will, I tooke roughly by the coller, and threatned to run him thorough incontinent if he confest not thetruth. He as it were striken with remorse of conscience (God be withhim, for he could counterfeit most daintily) downe on his knees, asktme forgiuenes, and impeached _Tabitha_ and _Petro de catnpo Frego_ asguiltie of subornation. I verie mildly and grauely gaue him audience, raile on them I did not after his tale was ended, but sayd I would triewhat the lawe coulde doe. Conspiracie by the custome of their countriewas a capitall offence, and what custome or iustice might affoordthey should be all sure to feele. I could (quoth I) acquite my selfeotherwise, but it is not for a straunger to bee his owne caruer inreuenge. Not a worde more with _Tabitha_ but die she would before Godor the deuill would haue her, she sounded and reuiued, and then soundedagaine, and after shee reuiued again sighed heauily, spoke faintlyand pittifully, yea and so pittifully, as if a man had not knowen theprankes of harlots before, he would haue melted in comiseration. Tears, sighs, and dolefull tuned wordes could not make anie forcible claimeto my stonie eares, it was the glistering crownes that I hungered andthirsted after, and with them for all her mock holyday iestures shewas faine to come off, before I woulde condiscend to anie bargaine ofsilence. So it fortuned (fie vpon that vnfortunate word of Fortune) ytthis whore, this quean, this curtizan, this common of ten thousand, sobribing me not to bewray her, had giuen me a great deale of counterfeitgold, which she had receiued of a coiner to make awaie a little before. Amongst the grosse summe of my briberie, I silly milkesop mistrusting nodeceit, vnder an angell of light tooke what she gaue me, nere turnd itouer, for which (O falsehood in faire shew) my master and I had liketo haue bin turned ouer. Hee that is a knight arrant, exercised in theaffaires of Ladies and Gentlewomen, hath more places to send mony to, than the diuell hath to send his spirites to. There was a delicate wenchcalled _Flauia Aemilia_ lodging in S. Markes streete at a Goldsmiths, which I would faine haue had to the grand test, to trie whether she werecurrant in alcumie or no. Aie me, shee was but a counterfeit slip, forshe not only gaue me the slip, but had welnie made me a slipstring. Toher I sent my gold to beg an hour of grace, ah gracelesse fornicatresse, my hostesse & she wer confederate, who hauing gotten but one piece of myill golde into their kandes, deuised the meanes to make me immortall. I could drinke for anger till my head akt, to think how I was abused. Shall I shame the deuill and speake the truth, to prison was I sent asprincipall, and my master as accessarie, nor was it to a prison neither, but to the master of the mints house who though partly our iudge, anda most seuere vpright iustice in his own nature, extreamly seemed tocondole our ignorant estate, and without all peraduenture a presentredresse he had ministred, if certaine of our countrie men hearing anEnglish earle was apprehended for coining, had not come to visite vs. Anill planet brought them thether, for at the first glance they knew theseruant of my secrecies to be the Earle of Surrey, and I (not worthieto be named I) an outcast of his cup or his pantofles. Thence, thencesprong the full period of our infelicitie. The master of the mint ourwhilome refresher and consolation, now tooke part against vs, he thoughtwe had a mint in our head of mischieuous conspiracies against theirstate. Heauens bare witnes with vs it was not so, (Heauens wyll notalways come to witnes when they are cald. )

To a straiter ward were we comitted: that which we haue imputatiuelytransgressed must beaunswered. O the heathen heigh passe, and theintrinsecall legerdemain of our special approued good pandor _Petro deCampo Frego_. Hee although he dipt in the same dish with vs euerie daie, seeming to labor our cause verie importunatly, and had interpretedfor vs to the state from y beginning, yet was one of those trecherousbrother _Trulies_, and abused vs most darkly. He interpreted to vswith a pestilence, for whereas we stood obstinatly vpon it, we werewrongfully deteined, and that it was naught but a malicious practise ofsinfull _Tabitha_ our late hostesse, he by a fine conny-catching corrupttranslation, made vs plainely to confesse, and crie _Miserere_, ere wehad need of our neckverse. 

Detestable, detestable, that the flesh and the deuill shoulde dealeby their factors. He stand to it, there is not a pandor but hath vowedpaganisme. The deuill himselfe is not such a deuill as he, so be heperforme his function aright. He must haue the backe of an asse, thesnout of an elephant, the wit of a foxe, and the teeth of a wolfe, hemust faune like a spaniell, crouch like a Jew, Here like a sheepbiter. If he be halfe a puritan, and haue scripture continually in his mouth, he speeds the better. I can tell you it is a trade of great promotion, and let none euer thinke to mount by seruice in forain courts, or creepneere to some magnifique Lords, if they be not seene in this science. O it is the art of arts, and ten thousand times goes beyond theintelligencer. None but a staid graue ciuill man is capable of it, hemust haue exquisite courtship in him or else he is not old who, he wantsthe best point in his tables. 

God be mercifull to our pandor (and that were for God to worke amiracle) he was seene in all the seuen liberall deadly sciences, not asinne but he was as absolute in as sathan himselfe. Sathan could neuerhaue supplanted vs so as hee did. I may saie to you he planted in vs thefirst Italionate wit that we had. During the time we lay close and tokephisick in this castle of contemplation, there was a Magnificos wifeof good calling sent in to beare vs companie. Her husbands name was_Castaldo_, she hight _Diamante_, the cause of her committing was anvngrounded ielous suspition which her doating husbande had conceiued ofher chastitie. One _Isaac Medicus_ a bergomast was the man hee choseto make him a monster, who beeing a courtier and repairing to his housevery often, neither for loue of him nor his wife, but onely with a driftto borrowe monie of a pawne of waxe and parchment, when he sawe hisexpectation deluded, and that _Castaldo_ was too charie for him toclose with, he priuily with purpose of reuenge, gaue out amongest hiscopesmates, that hee resorted to _Castaldos_ house for no other endbut to cuckolde him, & doubtfully he talkt that he had and he had notobtained his sute. Rings which he borrowed of a light curtizan that hevsed to, hee woulde faine to bee taken from her fingers, and in summe, so handled the matter, that _Castaldo_ exclaimd, Out whore, strumpet, sixe penny hackster, away with her to prison. 

As glad were we almost as if they had giuen vs libertie, that fortunelent vs such a sweet puefellow. A pretie round faced wench was it, withblacke cie browes, a high forehead, a litle mouth, and a sharpe nose, asfat and plum euerie part of her as a plouer, a skin as slike and soft asthe backe of a swan, it doth me good when I remember her. Like a birdeshe tript on the ground, and bare out her belly as maiesticall asan Estrich. With a licorous rouling eie fixt percing on the earth, &sometimes scornfully darted on the tone side, she figured foorth a highdiscontented disdain, much like a prince puffing and storming at thetreason of some mightie subiect fled lately out of his power. Her veriecountenance repiningly wrathfull, and yet cleere and vnwrinkled, wouldhaue confirmed the cleernes of her conscience to the austerest iudgein the world. If in any thing she were culpable, it was in being toomelancholy chast, and shewing her selfe as couetous of her beautie asher husband was of his bags. Many are honest because they knowe nothow to be dishonest: she thought there was no pleasure in stolnebread, because there was no pleasure in an olde mans bed. It is almostimpossible that anie woman should be excellently wittie, and not makethe vtmost pennie of her beautie. This age and this countrie of oursadmits of some miraculous exceptions, but former times are my constantinformers. Those that haue quicke motions of wit, haue quicke motionsin euerie thing: yron onely needes many strokes, onely yron wits are notwonne without a long siege of intreatie. Golde easily bends, the mostingenious mindes are easiest moued, _Ingenium nobis molle Thalia dedit_, saith _Psapho_ to _Phao_. Who hath no mercifull milde mistres, I willmaintaine, hath no wittie but a clownish dull flegmatike puppie to hismistres. 

This Magnificos wife was a good louing soule, that had mettall inoughin her to make a good wit of, but being neuer remoued from vnder hermothers and her husbands wing, it was not moulded and fashioned as itought. Causelesse distrust is able to driue deceite into a simple womanshead. I durst pawne the credit of a page, which is worth ams ase at alltimes, that she was immaculate honest till she met with vs in prison. Marie what temptations shee had then when fire and flaxe were puttogether, conceit with your selues, but hold my master excusable. 

Alacke he was too vertuous to make her vicious, he stoode vpon religionand conscience, what a hainous thing it was to subuert Gods ordinance. This was all the iniurie he woulde offer her, sometimes he wouldeimagine her in a melancholic humour to be his _Geraldine_, and court herin tearmes correspondent, nay he would sweare shee was his _Geraldine_, & take her white hand and wipe his eyes with it, as though the verytouch of her might stanch his anguish. Now would he kneele and kisse theground as holy grounde which she vouchsafed to blesse from barrennesseby her steps. Who would haue learned to write an excellent passion, might have bin a perfect tragicke poet, had he but attended halfe theextremitie of his lament. Passion vpon passion would throng one onanothers necke, he would praise her beyond the moone and starres, andthat so sweetly & rauishingly, as I perswade myself he was more in louewith his owne curious forming fancie than her face, and truth it is, many become passionate louers, only to win praise to theyr wits. 

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He praised, he praied, hee desired and besought her to pittie him thatperisht for her. From this his intranced mistaking extasie could no manremoue him. Who loueth resolutely, will include euerie thing vnder thename of his loue. From prose he would leape into verse, and with theseor such lyke rimes assault her. 

 _If I must die, O let me choose my death, Sucke out my soule with kisses cruell maide, In thy breasts christall bals enbalme my breath, Dole it all out in sighs when I am laid. 

 Thy lips on mine like cupping glasses claspe, Let our tongs meete and siriue as they would sting, Crush out my winde with one strait girting graspe, Stabs on my heart keepe time whitest thou dost sing. 

 Thy eies like searingyrons burne out mine, In thy faire tresses stifle me outright, Like Circes change me to a loathsome swine, So I may liue for euer in thy sight Into heauens ioyes can none prof oundly see, Except that first they meditate on thee. _

Sadly and verily, if my master said true, I should if I were a wenchmake many men quickly immortall. What ist, what ist for a maide fayreand freshe to spend a little lip salue on a hungrie louer. My masterbeate the bush and kept a coile and a pratling, but I caught the birde, simplicitie and plainnesse shall carrie it awaie in another world. Godwot he was _Petro Desperato_, when I stepping to hir with a dunstabletale made vp my market A holy requiem to their soules that thinke towooe women with riddles. I had some cunning plot you must suppose, tobring this about Her husband had abused her, and it was verie necessarieshe shoulde be reuenged. Seldome doe they proue patient martyrs who arepunisht vniustly. One way or other they wil cry quittance whatsoeuer itcost them. No other apte meanes had this poore shee captiued _Cicely_, to worke her hoddy peake husbande a proportionable plague to hisielousie, but to giue his head his ful loding of infamie. She thoughtshe would make him complaine for some thing, that now was so hard boundwith an hereticall opinion. Howe I dealt with her, gesse gentle reader, _Sub audi_ that I was in prison, and she was my Jailor. 

Meanes there was made after a moneths or two durance by M. _IohnRussell_, a gentleman of king Henrie the eights chamber, who then laylieger at _Venice_ for England, that our cause should be fauorablyheard. At that time was Monsieur _Petro Aretino_ searcher and chiefeInquisiter for the colledge of curtizans. Diuerse and sundrie wayes wasthis _Aretine_ beholding to the king of England, especially for by thisforesaid M. _Russell_ a little before he had sent him a pension of fourehundreth crownes yerely during his life. Very forcibly was hee dealtwithall, to straine the vtmost of his credit for our deliuerie. Nothingat his handes wee sought, but that the curtizan might be more narrowlysifted and examined. Such and so extraordinarie was his care andindustrie heerein, that within few dayes after mistres _Tabitha_ andher pandor cride _Peccaui confiteor_, and we were presently discharched, they for example sake executed. Most honorably after our enlargementof the state were we vsed, and had sufficient recompence for all ourtroubles and wrongs. 

Before I goe anie further, let me speake a word or two of this_Aretine_. It was one of the wittiest knaues that euer God made. If outof so base a thing as inke there may be extracted a spirite, he writwith nought but the spirite of inke, and his stile was the spiritualtieof artes, and nothing else, where as all others of his age were butthe lay temporaltie of inkhorne tearmes. For in deede they were meeretemporizers, & no better. His penne was sharpe pointed like ponyard. Noleafe he wrote on, but was like a burning glasse to sette on fire allhis readers. With more then musket shot did he charge his quill, wherehe meant to inueigh. No one houre but he sent a whole legion of deuilsinto some heard of swine or other. If _Martiall_ had ten muses (as hesayth of himselfe) when hee but tasted a cup of wine, he had ten scorewhen he determined to tyranize. Nere a line of his but was able to makea man dronken with admiration. His sight pearst like lightning intothe intrailes of al abuses. This I must needs saie, that most of hislearning hee gotte by hearing the lectures at Florence. It is sufficientthat learning he had, and a conceite exceeding all learning, toquintescence euerie thing which he hard. He was no timerous seruileflatterer of the commonwealth wherein he liued. His tongue and hisinuention were foreborne, what they thought they would confidentlyvtter. Princes hee sparde not, that in the least point transgrest. Hislife he contemned in comparison of the libertie of speech. Whereas somedull braine maligners of his, accuse him of that treatise _de tribusimpostoribus Mundi_, which was neuer contriued without a generallcounsell of deuils, I am verily perswaded it was none of his, and of myminde are a number of the most iudiciall Italians. One reason is this, because it was published fortie yeeres after his death, and he neuer inall his life wrote anie thing in Latine. Certainly I haue heard that oneof _Machiuuels_ followers and disciples was the author of that booke, who to auoid discredite, filcht it forth vnder _Aretines_ name, a greatwhile after hee had sealed vp his eloquent spirit in the graue. Too muchgall dyd that wormwood of Gibeline wits put in his inke, who ingrauedthat rubarbe Epitaph on this excellent Poets tombstone, Quite forsakenof all good Angels was he, and vtterly giuen ouer to an artlesseenuie. Foure vniuersities honored _Aretine_ with these rich titles, _Ilflagello de principe Il veritiero, Il deuino, & Lvnico Aretino_. TheFrench king Frances the first, he kept in such awe, that to chaine histongue, he sent him a huge chaine of golde, in the forme of tonguesfashioned. Singularly hath hee commented of the humanity of ChristBesides, as Moses set forth his Genesis, so hath hee set forth hisGenesis also, including the contents of the whole Bible. A notabletreatise hath hee compiled, called _Il sette Psalmi ponetentiarii_. All the _Thomasos_ haue cause to loue him, because he hath dilated somagnificently of the life of Saint Thomas. There is a good thing that hehath set forth _La vita della virgine Maria_, though it somewhat smellof superstition, with a number more, which here for tediousnesse Isuppresse. If lasciuious he were, he may answere with _Ouid, Vitaverecunda est, musa iocosa mea est_, My lyfe is chast though wanton bemy verse. Tell mee who is most trauelled in histories, what good Poetis or euer was there, who hath not had a little spice of wantonnes indayes? Euen _Beza_ himselfe by your leaue. _Aretine_ as long as theworlde liues shalt thou liue. _Tully, Virgil, Ouid, Seneca_, were neuersuch ornaments to Italy as thou hast beene. I neuer thought of Italymore religiously than England til I heard of thee. Peace to thy Ghost, and yet mee thinkes so indefinite a spirite should haue no peace orintermission of paines, but be penning Ditties to the Archangels inanother world. Puritans spue forth the venome of your dull inuentions. A Toade swelles with thicke troubled poison, you swell with poisonousperturbations, your mallice hath not a cleare dram of anie inspireddisposition. 

My principall subiect pluckes me by the elbowe, _Diamante Castaldos_ themagnificos wife, after my enlargment proued to bee with childe, at whichinstant there grewe an vnsatiable famine in Venice, wherein, whether itwere for meere niggardise, or that _Castaldo_ still eate out his heartwith iealousie, Saint Anne be our recorde, he turnde vp the heeles veriedeuoutly. To master _Aretine_ after this, once more verie dutifully Iappeald, requested him of fauour, acknowledged former gratuities, hee made no more humming or haulting, but in despite of her husbandeskinsfolkes, gaue her her _Nunc dimittis_, and so establisht her free ofmy companie. 

Beeing out, and fully possest of her husbandes goods, she inuested meein the state of a Monarch. Because the time of childbirth drew nigh, and shee coulde not remaine in Venice but discredited, she decreed totrauell whether so euer I woulde conduct her. To see Italy throughoutwas my proposed scope, and that waie if shee woulde trauell, haue withher, I had wherewithall to relieue her. 

From my master by her fulhand prouokement I parted without leaue, thestate of an Earle hee had thrust vppon me before, and nowe I woulde notbate him an inch of it. Through all the Cities past I by no othername but the yong Earle of Surrey, my pompe, my appareil, traine, andexpence, was nothing inferiour to his, my lookes were as loftie, mywordes as magnificall. Memorandum, that Florence beeing the principallscope of my masters course, missing mee, he iourneied thether withoutinterruption. By the waie as he went, he heard of another Earle ofSurrey besides himselfe, which caused him make more hast to fetch me in, whom he little dreamed of, had such art in my budget, to separate theshadowe from the bodie. 

Ouertake me at Florence he did, where sitting in my pontificalibus withmy curtizan at supper, lyke _Anthonie and Cleopatra_, when they quaftestanding bowles of wine spiced with pearle together, he stole in erewe sent for him, and bad much good it vs, and askt vs whether we wantedanie guests. If he had askt me whether I would haue hanged my selfe, his question had beene more acceptable. He that had then vngartered mee, might haue pluckt out my heart at my hams. 

My soule which was made to soare vpward, now sought for passagedownward, my blood as the blushing _Sabine_ maids surprized on thesodain by the souldiers of _Romulus_, ran to the noblest of bloudamongest them for succour, that were in no lesse (if not greaterdaunger) so dyd it runne for refuge to the noblest of his bloude aboutmy heart assembled that stood in more need it selfe of comfort andrefuge. A trembling earthquake or shaking feauer assailed either of vs, and I thinke vnfainedly, if he seeing our faint heart agonie, had notsoone cheered and refreshed vs, the dogs had gone together by the earesvnder the table for our feare-dropped lims. 

In stead of menacing or afrighting me with his swoord, or his frounesfor my superlatiue presumption, hee burst out into a laughter aboue Ela, to thinke how brauely napping hee had tooke vs, and how notablie weewere dampt & stroke dead in the neast, with the vnexpected view of hispresence. 

Ah quoth he, my noble Lord, (after his tongue had borrowed a littleleaue of his laughter) is it my lucke to visite you thus vnlookt for, Iam sure you wil bid me welcome, if it be but for the names sake. It isa wonder to see two English Earles of one house, at one time togetherin Italy. I hearing him so pleasant, began to gather vp my spirits, andreplide as boldly as I durst Sir, you are welcome, your name which Ihaue borrowed I haue not abused. Some large summes of money this mysweete mistres _Diamante_ hath made me master of, which I knew nothow better to imploy for the honour of my country, than by spending itmunificently vnder your name. No Englishman would I haue renowmed forbounty, magnificence and curtesie but you, vnder your colours all mymeritorious workes I was desirous to shroud. Deeme it no insolence toadde increase to your fame. Had I basely and beggerly, wanting abilitieto support anie parte of your roialtie, vndertooke the estimation ofthis high calling, your alledgement of iniury had ben the greater, andmy defence lesse authorized. It will be thought but a policie of yoursthus to send one before you, who being a follower of yours, shall keepeand vphold the estate and port of an Earle. I haue knowen many Earles myselfe that in their owne persons would go verie plaine, but delighted tohaue one that belonged to them (being loden with iewels, apparelled incloth of golde and all the rich imbroderie that might bee) to stand bareheaded vnto him, arguing thus much, that if y greatest men went not moresumptuous, how more great than the greatest was he that could commandone going so sumptuous. A noble mans glorie appeareth in nothing so muchas in the pompe of his attendants. What is the glorie of the Sunne, butthat the moone and so many millions of starres borrow their light fromhim? If you can reprehend me of anie one illiberall licentious action Ihaue disparaged your name with, heape shame on me prodigally, I beg nopardon or pittie. _Non veniunt in idem pudor & amor_, hee was loth todetract from one that he loued so. Beholding with his eies that I diptnot the wings of his honor, but rather increast them with additions ofexpence, he intreated me as if I had bin an Embassadour, he gaue me hishand and swore he had no more hearts but one, and I should haue halfe ofit, in that I so inhanced his obscured reputation. One thing, quoth he, my sweete Jacke I will intreate thee (it shalbe but one) that thoughI am wel pleased thou shouldest be the ape of my birthright, (as whatnoble man hath not his ape & his foole) yet that thou be an ape withouta clog, not carrie thy curtizan with thee. I tolde him that a king coulddo nothing without his treasury, this curtizan was my purs-bearer, mycountenance and supporter. My earldome I would sooner resigne than partwith such a speciall benefactresse. Resigne it I will how euer, since Iam thus challenged of stolne goods by the true owner: Lo, into my formerstate I returne againe, poore _Iack Wilton_ and your seruant am I, as Iwas at the beginning, and so will I perseuer to my liues ending. 

That theame was quickly cut off, and other talke entered in place, ofwhat I haue forgot, but talke it was, and talke let it be, and talkeit shall be, for I do not meane here to remember it. We supt, we got tobed, we rose in the morning, on my master I waited, and the firstthing he did after he was vp, he went and visited the house where his_Geraldine_ was borne, at sight wherof he was so impassioned, that inthe open street but for me, he would haue made an oration in praiseof it. Into it we were conducted, and shewed each seueral roome thertoappertaining. O but when he came to the chamber where his _Geraldines_cleere Sunbeams first thrust themselues into this cloude of flesh, andacquainted mortalitie with the puritie of Angels, then did his mouthouerflowe with magnificats, his tongue thrust the starres out of heauen, and eclipsed the Sun and Moone with comparisons, _Geraldine_ was thesoule of heauen, sole daughter and heire to _primus motor_. The alcumy ofhis eloquence, out of the incomprehensible drossie matter of cloudsand aire, distilled no more quintescence than woulde make his Geraldinecompleat faire. 

In praise of the chamber that was so illuminatiuely honoured with herradiant conception, he penned this sonet:

 _Faire rootne the presence of sweet beauties pride, The place the Sunne vpon the earth did hold, When Phaton his chariot did misguide, The towre where loue raind downe himselfe in gold. 

 Prostrate as holy groutid He worship thee, Our Ladies chappell henceforth be thou nanid. Heere first loues Queene put on mortalitie, And with her beautie all the world inflamed. Heatfns chambers harboring firie cherubines, Are not with thee in glorie to compare, Lightning it is not light which in thee shines, None enter thee but straight entranced are. 

 O if Elizium be aboue the ground, Then here it is where nought but ioy is found. _

Many other Poems and Epigrams in that chambers patient alablasterinclosure (which her melting eies long sithence had softned) werecuriously ingraued. Diamondes thought themselues _Dii mundi_, if theymight but carue hir name on the naked glasse. With them on it did heanatomize these bodie-wanting mots, _Dulce puella malum est. Quod fugitipse sequor. Amor est teni causa sequendi. O infolix ego. Cur vidi, curperii. Non patienter amo. Tantum patiatur amari_. After the viewe ofthese veneriall monumentes, he published a proude challenge in the Dukeof Florence court agaynst all commers, (whether Christians, Turkes, Canibals, Jewes, or Saracens), in defence of his Geraldines beautie. More mildly was it accepted, in that she whom he defended, was a towneborne child of that Citie, or else the pride of the Italian wouldhaue preuented him ere he should haue come to performe it. The Duke ofFlorence neuerthelesse sent for him, and demanded him of his estate, andthe reason that drew him thereto, which when hee was aduertised ofto the full, he granted all Countries whatsoeuer, as wel enemies andoutlawes, as friendes and confederates, free accesse and regresse intohis dominions vnmolested, vntill that insolent triall were ended. 

The right honourable and euer renowmed Lorde _Henrie Howard_ Earle ofSurrey my singular good Lorde and master, entered the listes after thisorder. His armour was all intermixed with lyllies and roses, andthe bases therof bordered with nettles and weeds, signifieng stings, crosses, and ouergrowing incumbrances in his loue, his helmet roundproportioned like a gardeners waterpot, from which seemed to issue forthsmall thrids of water, like citerne stringes, that not onely did moistenthe lillies and roses, but did fructifie as well the nettles and weedes, and made them ouergrow their liege Lordes. Whereby hee did importe thusmuch, that the teares that issued from his braine, as those arteficialldistillations issued from the well counterfeit waterpot on his head, watered and gaue life as well to his mistres disdaine (resembled tonettles and weedes) as increase of glorie to her care-causing beautie, (comprehended vnder the lillies and roses. ) The simbole thereto annexedwas this, _ex lachrimis lachrimæ_. The trappinges of his horse werepounced and boulstered out with rough plumed siluer plush, in fullproportion and shape of an Estrich. On the breast of the horse were theforepartes of this greedie birde aduaunced, whence as his manner is, heereacht out his long necke to the raines of the bridle, thinking they hadbeene yron, and styll seemed to gape after the golden bit, and eueras the courser dyd rayse or curuet, to haue swallowed it halfe in. Hiswinges, which hee neuer vseth but running, beeing spreaded full sayle, made his lustie steede as proude vnder him as he had beene some other_Pegasus_, and so quieueringly and tenderly were these his broade wingsbound to either side of him, that as he paced vp and downe the tilt-yardin his maiestie ere the knights were entered, they seemed wantonly tofan in his face and make a flickering sound, such as Eagles doe, swiftlypursuing their praie in the ayre. On either of his winges, as theEstrich hath a sharpe goade or pricke wherewith hee spurreth himselfeforwarde in his saile-assisted race, so this artificiall Estrich, on theimbent knuckle of the pinion of either wing, had embossed christall eiesaffixed, wherein wheele wise were circularly ingrafted sharpe pointeddiamonds, as rayes from those eies deriued, that like the rowels of aspurre ran deep into his horse sides, and made him more eager in hiscourse. 

Such a fine dimme shine dide these christall eies and these roundenranked diamonds make through their bolne swelling bowres of feathers, as if it had beene a candle in a paper lanterne, or a gloworme in a bushby night, glistering through the leaues and briers. The taile of theEstrich being short and thicke, serued verie fitly as a plume to trickevp his horse taile with, so that euerie parte of him was as naturallycoapted as might be. The word to this deuice was _Aculeo alatus_, Ispread my wings onely spurd with her eies. The morral of the whole isthis, that as the Estrich, the most burning sighted bird of all others, insomuch as the female of them hatcheth not hir egs by couering them, but by the effectual raies of hir eies as he, I saie, outstrippeth thenimblest trippers of his feathered condition in footman-shippe, onelyspurd on with the needle quickning goade vnder his side, so hee no lesseburning sighted than the Estrich, spurd on to the race of honor by thesweete raies of his mistres eies, perswaded himselfe hee should outstripall other in running to the goale of glorie only animated and incitedby her excellence. And as the Estrich wil eat iron, swallow anie hardmettall whatsoeuer, so would he refuse no iron aduenture, no hard taskewhatsoeuer, to sit in the grace of so fayre a commander. The order ofhis shield was this, it was framed like a burning glasse, beset roundwith flame colourd feathers, on the outside whereof was his mistrespicture adorned as beautifull as art could portrature, on the inside anaked sword tied in a true loue knot, the mot, _Militat omtiis amans_. Signifieng that in a true loue knot his sword was tide to defend andmaintaine the high features of his mistres. 

Next him entered the blacke knight, whose beauer was pointed all torne& bloudie, as though he had new come from combatting with a Beare, hishead piece seemed to bee a little ouen fraught full with smootheringflames, for nothing but sulphure and smoake voided out at the cleftesof his beauer. His bases were all imbrodered with snakes & adders, ingendered of the abundance of innocent bloud that was shed. His horsestrappinges were throughout bespangled with hunnie spottes, which are noblemishes, but ornaments. On his shield he bare the Sunne full shiningon a diall at his going downe, the word _sufficit tandem_. 

After him followed the knight of the Owle, whose armor was a stubd treeouergrowen with iuie, his helmet fashioned lyke an owle sitting on thetop of this iuie, on his bases were wrought all kinde of birdes as onthe grounde wondering about him, the word, _Ideo mirum quia monstrunty_his horses furniture was framed like a cart, scattering whole sheauesof corne amongst hogs, the word _Liberalitas liberalitate perit_. On hisshield a bee intangled in sheepes wooll, the mot _Frontis nulla fides_. The fourth that succeeded was a well proportioned knight in an armorimitating rust, whose head piece was prefigured like flowers growing ina narrowe pot, where they had not anie space to spread their roots ordispearse their florishing. His bases embelisht with open armed handesscattering golde amongst tranchions, the word _Cura futuri est_. Hishorse was harnished with leaden chaines, hauing the outside guilt, or atleast saffrond in stead of guilt, to decypher a holie or golden pretenceof a couetous purpose, the sentence _Cani capilli mei compedes_, on histarget he had a number of crawling wormes kept vnder by a blocke, thefaburthen, _Speramus lucent_. The fift was the forsaken knight, whosehelmet was crowned with nothing but cipresse and willow garlands, ouerhis armor he had on _Himens_ nuptiall robe died in a duskie yelow, andall to be defaced and discoloured with spots & staines. The enigma, _Nosquoque floritnus_, as who shuld saie, we haue bin in fashion, hisstead was adorned with orenge tawnie eies, such as those haue that hauethe yellowe iandies, that make all things yellow they looke vpon, withthis briefe, _Qui inuident egent_. Those that enuie are hungrie. Thesixth was the knight of the stormes, whose helmet was round moulded likethe Moone, and all his armour like waues, whereon the shine of the Moonesleightly siluerd, perfectly represented Mooneshine in the water, hisbases were the banks or shores that bounded in the streames. The spokewas this, _Frustra picus_, as much to say, as fruitles seruice. On hisshield he set forth a lion driuen from his praie by a dunghill cocke. The worde, _Non vi sed voce_, not by violence but by his voice. 

The seuenth had lyke the gyants that sought to scale heauen in despightof Jupiter, a mount ouerwhelming his head and whole bodie. His basesoutlayde with armes and legges which the skirts of that mountain leftvncouered. Under this did hee characterise a man desirous to climbeto the heauen of honour, kept vnder with the mountaine of his princescommand, and yet had hee armes and legges exempted from the suppressionof the mountaine. The word, _Tu mihi criminis author_ (alluding to hisPrinces commaund) thou art the occasion of my imputed cowardise. Hishorse was trapt in the earthie stringes of tree rootes, which thoughtheir increase was stubbed downe to the grounde, yet were they notvtterly deaded, but hop'd for an after resurrection. The worde, _Spealor_, I hope for a spring. Uppon his shield hee bare a ball strikendowne with a mans hand that it might mount The worde, _Ferior vtefferar_, I suffer my selfe to bee contemned because I will climbe. Theeighth had all his armour throughout engrayled lyke a crabbed brieriehawthorne bush, out of which notwithstanding sprung (as a good Childeof an ill Father) fragraunt Blossomes of delightfull Maye Flowers, thatmade (according to the nature of Maye) a most odoriferous smell. Inmiddest of this his snowie curled top, rounde wrapped together, on theascending of his creast sate a solitarie nightingale close encaged witha thorne at her breast, hauing this mot in her mouth, _Luctus monumentamanebunt_. At the foote of this bush represented on his bases, lay anumber of blacke swolne Toades gasping for winde, and Summer liu'degrashoppers gaping after deaw, both which were choakt with excessiuedrouth, and for want of shade. The word, _Nan sine vulnere viresco_, Ispring not without impediments, alluding to the Toades and such lyke, that earst laye sucking at his rootes, but nowe were turnd out, andneere choakt with drought His horse was suited in blacke sandie earth(as adiacent to this bush) which was here and there patched with shortburnt grasse, and as thicke inke dropped with toyling ants & emetsas euer it might crall, who in the full of the summer moone, (ruddiegarnished on his horses forehead) hoorded vp theyr prouision of grainagaynst winter. The word _Victrix fortuno sapientia_, prouidencepreuents misfortune. On his shield he set forth the picture of deathdoing almes deeds to a number of poore desolate children. The word, _Nemo alius explicate_ No other man takes pittie vpon vs. What hismeaning was heerein I cannot imagine, except death had done him and hisbrethren some greate good turne in ridding them of some vntoward parentor kinsman that woulde haue beene their confusion, for else I cannot seehowe death shoulde haue beene sayde to doe almes deedes, except hehad depriued them sodainly of their liues, to deliuer them out of somefurther miserie, which coulde not in anie wise bee because they were yetliuing. 

The ninth was the infant knight, who on his armour had ennameld a pooreyoung infant, put into a shippe without tackling, masts, furniture, orany thing. This weather beaten and ill apparelled shippe was shaddowedon his bases, and the slender compasse of his body set forth the rightpicture of an infant The waues wherein the ship was tossed were frettedon his steads trappings so mouingly, that euer as he offered to boundeor stirre, they seemed to bounse, and tosse, and sparkle brine out oftheyr hoarie siluer billowes. Theyr mot, _Inopem me copia fecit_, asmuch to saie, as the rich praye makes the theefe. 

On his shielde hee expressed an olde Goate that made a young tree towither onely with biting it. The worde thereto _Primo extinguor in ouo_, I am frostbitten ere I come out of the blade. 

It were here too tedious to manifest all the discontented or amorousdeuises yt were vsed in that turnament. The shieldes onely of some fewI wil touch to make short worke. One bare for his impresse the eies ofyong swallowes comming againe after they were pluckt out, with this mot, _Et addit et addimit_, your beautie both bereaues and restores my sight. Another a siren smiling when the sea rageth and ships are ouerwhelmed, including a cruell woman, that laughs, singes and scornes at her louerstears, and the tempests of his despaire, the word _Cuncta pereunt_, all my labor is ill imploid. A third being troubled with a curst, atrecherous and wanton wanton wife, vsed this similitude. On his shild hecaused to be limmed _Pompeies_ ordinance for paracides, as namely a manput into a sack with a cocke, a serpent and an ape, interpreting thathis wife was a cocke for her crowing, a serpent for her stinging, and anape for her vnconstant wantonnesse, with which ill qualities hee wasso beset, that thereby hee was throwen into a sea of grief. The worde_Extremum malorum mulier_, The vtmost of euils is a woman. A fourth, who being a person of suspected religion, was continually hanted withintelligencers and spies that thought to praie vppon him for that heehad, he could not deuise which waie to shape them off, but by makingaway that he had. To obscure this, hee vsed no other fansie but a numberof blinde flies, whose eies the colde had closed, the word _Aurum redditacutissimum_, Gold is the onely phisicke for the eiesight A fifth, whosemistres was fallen into a consumption, and yet would condiscend to notreatie of loue, emblazond for his complaint, grapes that witherd forwant of pressing. The dittie to the mot, _Quid regna sine vsu_. I willrehearse no more, but I haue an hundred other, let this be the vpshotof these shewes, they were the admirablest that euer Florence yelded. Toparticularize their maner of encounter, were to describe the whol art oftilting. Some had like to haue falle ouer their horse neck and so breaketheir neckes in breaking their staues. Others ranne at a buckle in steadof a button, & peraduenture whetted their spears pointes, idlely glidingon their enemies sides, but did no other harme. Others ranne a crosse attheyr aduersaries left elbow, yea, and by your leaue sometimes let notthe lists scape scot-free they were so eager. Others because theywould be sure not to be vnsadled with the shocke, when they came to thespeares vtmost proofe, they threw it ouer the right shoulder, and sotilted backward, for forwarde they durst not Another had a monstrousspite at the pommell of his riuals saddle, and thought to haue thrusthis speare twixt his legges without rasing anie skinne, and carriedhim cleane awaie on it as a coolestaffe. Another held his speare tohis nose, or his nose to his speare, as though he had ben discharging acaliuer, and ranne at the right foote of his fellowes stead. Onely theearle of Surry my master obserued y true measures of honor, and made allhis encounterers new scoure their armor in the dust. So great was hisglorie y daie, as _Geraldine_ was therby etemally glorifide. Neuersucha bountifull master came amongst the heralds (not that he did inrich thewith anie plentifull purse largesse) but that by his sterne assaulteshee tithed them more rich offals of bases, of helmets, of armour, thanthe rent of their offices came to in ten yeres before. What would youhaue more, the trumpets proclaimed him master of the field, the trumpetsproclaimed _Geraldine_ the exceptionlesse fayrest of women. Euerie onestriued to magnifie him more than other. The Duke of Florence, whosename (as my memorie serueth me) was _Paschal de Medices_, offered himsuch large proffers to staie with him as it were vncredible to reportHe would not, his desire was as hee had done in Florence, so to proceedethroughout all the chiefe cities in Italy. If you aske why he began notthis at Venice first. It was because he would let Florence his mistresnatiue citie haue the maidenhead of his chiualrie. As hee came backeagaine hee thought to haue enacted something there worthie the Annalsof posteritie, but he was debard both of that and all his otherdeterminations, for continuing in feasting and banketting with the Dukeof Florence and the Princes of Italy there assembled, posthast letterscame to him from the king his master, to returne as speedily as he couldpossible into England, wherby his fame was quite cut off by the shins, and there was no repriue but _Bazelus manus_, hee must into England, andI with my curtizan trauelled forward in Italy. 

What aduentures happened him after we parted, I am ignorant, butFlorence we both forsooke, and I hauing a wonderful ardent inclinationto see Rome the Queen of the world, & metrapolitane mistres of all othercities, made thether with my bag and baggage as fast as I could. 

Attained thether, I was lodged at the house of one _Iohannes de Imola_ aRoman caualiero. Who being acquainted with my curtisans deceased dotinghusband, for his sake vsd vs with all the familiaritie that might be. Heshewed vs all the monuments that were to be seene, which are as manyas ther haue beene Emperours, Consuls, Orators, Conquerours, famouspainters or plaiers in Rome. Till this daie not a Romane (if he be aright Romane in deed) will kill a rat, but he will haue some registredremembrance of it There was a poore fellowe during my remainder ther, that for a new trick he had inuented of killing _Cymess_ & scorpions, had his mountebank banner hung vp on a high piller, with an inscriptionabout it longer than the king of Spaines stile. I thought these_Cymesses_ like the Cimbrians had bene some strange nation hee hadbrought vnder, & they were no more but things like sheepelice, whichaliue haue the venomost sting that may be, and being dead do stinke outof measure. Saint Austen compareth heretiques vnto them. The chiefestthing that my eyes delighted in, was the church of the 7. Sibels, whichis a most miraculous thing. All their prophesies and oracles being thereenroulde, as also the beginning and ending of their whole catalogue ofthe heathen Gods, with their manner of worship. There are a number ofother shrines and statues also dedicated to their Emperors, and withalsome statues of idolatrie reserued for detestation. I was at _PontiusPilates_ house and pist against it There is the prison yet packt vptogether (an old rotten thing) where the man that was condemned todeath, and could haue no bodie come to him and succour him but wassearcht, was kept aliue a long space by sucking his daughters breasts. 

These are but the shop dust of the sights that I saw, and in truth I dydnot beholde with anie care hereafter to report, but contented my eie forthe present, and so let them passe. Should I memorize halfe the myracleswhich they there tolde me had beene done about martyres tombes, or theoperations of the earth of the sepulchre, and other reliques broughtfrom Jerusalem, I should bee counted the monstrous Her that euer came inprint. 

The mines of _Pompeies_ theater, reputed one of the nine wonders of theworlde, _Gregory_ the sixths Tombe, _Priscillas_ Grate, or the thousandsof Piliers arreared amongst the raced foundations of old _Rome_, it wereheere friuolous to specifie: since he that hath but once drunke witha traueller talkes of them. Let mee bee a Historiographer of my ownemisfortunes, and not meddle with the continued Trophees of so olde atriumphing Citie. 

At my first comming to _Rome_, I being a youth of the English cut, waremy haire long, went apparailed in light coulours, and imitated foure orfiue sundrie Nations in my attyre at once: which no sooner was noated, but I had all the boyes of the Citie in a swarme wondering about mee. Ihad not gone a little farther, but certaine Officers crost the waie ofme, and demanded to see my rapier: which when they found (as also mydagger) with his poynt vnblunted, they would haue hal'd me headlong tothe Strappado, but that with money I appeased them: and my fault wasmore pardonable in that I was a stranger, altogether ignorant of theircustomes. 

Note by the waye, that it is the vse in _Rome_, for all men whatsoeuerto weafe their haire short: which they doo not so much for consciencesake, or anie religion they place in it, but because the extremitie ofthe heate is such there, that if they should not doo so, they should nothaue a haire left on their heads to stand vpright, when they were scardwith sprights. And hee is counted no Gentleman amongst them that goesnot in black: they dresse their iesters and fooles onely in freshcolours, and say variable garments doo argue vnstayednes andvnconstancie of affections. 

The reason of their straight ordinaunce of carrying weapons withoutpoints is this. The _Bandettos_ which are certaine outlawes that lyebetwixt _Rome & Naples_, and besiege the passage that none can trauellthat way without robbing: Now and then hired for some few crownes, theywil steale to Rome and doe a murther, and betake them to their heelesagaine. Disguised as they go, they are not knowen from strangers, sometimes they will shroude themselues vnder the habite of grauecitizens. In this consideration neither citizen nor stranger, gentleman, knight, marques, or any may weare anie weapon endamageable vppon paineof the strappado. I bought it out, let others buy experience of mebetter cheape. 

To tell you of the rare pleasures of their gardens, theyr baths, theirvineyards, their galleries, were to write a second part of the gorgeousGallerie of gallant deuices. Why, you should not come into anie manshouse of account, but hee had fishponds and litle orchards on the top ofhis leads. If by rain or anie other meanes those ponds were so full theyneed to bee fluste or let out, euen of their superfluities they mademelodious vse, for they had great winde instruments in stead of leadenspoutes, that went duely in consort, onely with this waters rumblingdiscent I saw a summer banketting house belonging to a marchant, thatwas the meruaile of the worlde, & could not be matcht except God shouldmake another paradise. It was builte rounde of greene marble, like aTheater without, within there was a heauen and earth comprehended bothvnder one roofe, the heauen was a cleere ouerhanging vault of christall, wherein the Sunne and Moone, and each visible Starre had his truesimilitude, shine, scituation, and motion, and by what enwrapped arteI cannot conceiue, these spheares in their proper orbes obseruedtheir circular wheelings and turnings, making a certaine kinde of softangelical murmering musicke in their often windings & going about, whichmusick the philosophers say in the true heauen by reason of the grosenesof our senses we are not capable of. For the earth it was counterfeitedin that likenes that Adam lorded out it before his fall. A wide vastspacious roome it was, such as we would conceit prince Arthurs hall tobe, where he feasted all his knightes of the round table together eueriepenticost The floore was painted with y beautifullest floures that euermans eie admired, which so lineally wer delineated, that he that viewdthem a farre off, and had not directly stood poaringly ouer them, wouldhaue sworne they had liued in deede. The wals round about were hedgdewith Oliues and palme trees, and all other odoriferous fruit-bearingplants, which at anie solemne intertainment dropt mirrhe andfrankensence. Other trees y bare no fruit, were set in iust order oneagainst another, and diuided the roome into a number of shadie lanes, leauing but one ouer-spreading pine tree arbour, where wee sate andbanketted. On the well clothed boughes of this conspiracie of pinetrees against the resembled Sunne beames, were pearcht as many sortesof shrill breasted birdes, as the Summer hath allowed for singing menin her siluane chappels. Who though there were bodies without soules, & sweete resembled substances without sense, yet by the mathemeticallexperimentes of long siluer pipes secretly inrinded in the intrailes ofthe boughs whereon they sate, and vndiscerneablie conuaid vnder theirbellies into their small throats sloaping, they whistled and freelycarold theyr naturall field note. Neyther went those siluer pipesstraight, but by many edged vnsundred writhings, & crankled wandringsaside strayed from bough to bough into an hundred throates. But intothis siluer pipe so writhed and wandering aside, if anie demand how thewind was breathed. Forsoth ye tail of the siluer pipe stretcht itselfe into the mouth of a great paire of bellowes, where it was closesoldered, and bailde about with yron, it coulde not stirre or haueanie vent betwixt. Those bellowes with the rising and falling of leadenplummets wounde vp on a wheele, dyd beate vp and downe vncessantly, andso gathered in wind, seruing with one blast all the snarled pipes toand fro of one tree at once. But so closely were all those organizingimplements obscured in the corpulent trunks of the trees, that euerieman there present renounst coniectures of art, and sayd it was done byinchantment. 

One tree for his fruit bare nothing but inchained chiriping birdes, whose throates beeing conduit pipt with squared narrow shels, & chargedsiring-wise with searching sweet water, driuen in by a little wheele forthe nonce, and fed it afarre of, made a spirting sound, such as chirpingis, in bubling vpwards through the rough crannies of their closed bils. 

Under tuition of the shade of euerie tree that I haue signified to be inthis round hedge, on delightfull leauie cloysters, lay a wylde tyrannousbeast asleepe all prostrate: vnder some two together, as the Doggenusling his nose vnder the necks of the Deare, the Wolfe glad to let theLambe lye vpon hym to keepe him warme, the Lyon suffering the Asse tocast hys legge ouer him: preferring one honest vnmannerly frend, beforea number of croutching picke-thankes. No poysonous beast there reposed, (poyson was not before our parent _Adam_ transgressed). There were nosweete-breathing Panthers, that would hyde their terrifying heads tobetraye: no men imitating _Hyonaes_. That chaunged their sexe to seekeafter bloud. Wolues as now when they are hungrie eate earth, so thendid they feede on earth onely, and abstained from innocent flesh. TheUnicorne did not put his home into the streame to chase away venomebefore he drunke, for there was no such thing as venome extant in thewater or on the earth. Serpents were as harmlesse to mankinde, asthey are still one to another: the rose had no cankers, the leaues nocaterpillers, the sea no _Syrens_, the earth no vsurers. Goates thenbare wooll, as it is recorded in _Sicily_ they doo yet. The torrideZone was habitable; onely Jayes loued to steale gold and siluer to buildtheir nests withall, and none cared for couetous clientrie, or runningto the Indies. As the Elephant vnderstands his countrey speach, soeuerie beast vnderstood what men spoke. The ant did not hoord vp againstwinter, for there was no winter but a perpetuall spring, as _Ouid_sayth. No frosts to make the greene almond tree counted rash andimprouident, in budding soonest of all other: or the mulberie tree astrange polititian, in blooming late and ripening early. The peach treeat the first planting was frutefull and wholesome, wheras now til it betransplanted, it is poysonous and hatefull. Yong plants for their saphad balme, for their yeolow gumme glistering amber. The euening deawdnot water on flowers, but honnie. Such a golden age, such a good age, such an honest age was set foorth in this banquetting house. 

O _Rome_, if thou hast in thee such soule-exalting obiects: what athing is heauen in comparison of thee, of which _Mercators_ globe is aperfecter modell than thou art? Yet this I must say to the shame of vsProtestants, if good workes may merit heauen, they doo them, we talke ofthem. Whether superstition or no makes the vnprofitable seruants, that let pulpets decide: but there, you shall haue the brauest Ladies ingownes of beaten gold, washing pilgrimes and poore souldiours feeteand dooing nothing they and their wayting mayds all the yeare long, butmaking shirts and bandes for them against they come by in distresse. Their hospitalls are more like noblemens houses than otherwise: sorichly furnished, cleane kept, and hot perfumed, that a souldiour wouldthinke it a sufficient recompence for his trauell and his wounds, tohaue such a heauenly retyring place. For the Pope and his pontificalibusI will not deale with, onely I will dilate vnto you what hapned whiles Iwas in _Rome_. 

So it fell out, that it being a vehement hot summer when I was asoiourner there, there entred such a hotspurd plague as hath not beenheard of: why it was but a word and a blow, Lord haue mercie vpon vs, and he was gone. Within three quarters of a yere in that one citie theredyed of it a hundred thousand: Looke in _Lanquets_ Chronicle and youshall finde it. To smell of a nosegay, that was poysond: and turne yournose to a house, that had the plague, it was all one. The clouds likea number of cormorants, that keepe their corne till it stinke and ismustie, kept in their stinking exhalations, till they had almost stifledall _Romes_ inhabitants. Phisitions, greedines of golde made themgreedie of their destinie. They would come to visite those, with whoseinfirmities their arte had no affinitie: and euen as a man with a feeshould bee hyred to hang himselfe, so would they quietly goe home anddye presently after they had been with their patients. All day and allnight long carremen did nothing but goe vp and downe the streetes withtheir carts and crye, Haue you anie dead to burie, haue you anie deadto burie: and had manie times out of one house their whole loading: onegraue was the sepulcher of seuenscore, one bed was the altar whereonwhole families were offered. 

The wals were hoard and furd with the moist scorching steam of theirdesolation. Euen as before a gun is shot off, a stinking smoake funnelsout, and prepares the waie for him, so before anie gaue vp the ghost, death araied in a stinking smoke stopt his nostrils, and cramd it selfefull into his mouth, that closed vp his fellowes eyes, to giue himwarning to prepare for his funeral. Some dide sitting at their meate, others as they were asking counsell of the phisition for their friendes. I saw at the house where I was hosted, a maide bring her master warmebroth for to comfort him, and she sinke downe dead her self ere he hadhalfe eate it vp. 

During this time of visitation, there was a Spaniard, one _Esdras_ ofGranado, a notable Bandetto, authorized by ye pope, because he assistedhim in some murthers. This villain colleagued with one _Bartol_ adesperate Italian, practised to breake into those rich mens houses inthe night where the plague had most rained, and if there were none butthe mistres and maid left aliue, to rauish them both, and bring awaieall the wealth they could fasten on. In a hundred chief citizens houseswhere the hand of God had bin, they put this outrage in vse. Thogh thewomen so rauished cride out, none durst come nere them, for feare ofcatching their deaths by them, & some thought they cried out onely withthe tyrannie of the maladie. Amongst the rest the house where I lay heinuaded, where all being snatcht vp by the sicknesse but the good wifeof the house, a noble and chast matrone called _Heraclide_ and her_Zanie_, and I & my curtizan, he knocking at the dore late in the night, ranne in to the matrone, & left me and my loue to the mercie of hiscompanion. Who finding me in bed (as the time requird) ranne at me fullwith his rapier, thinking I would resist him, but as good lucke wasI escapt him & betooke me to my pistoll in the window vncharged. Hefearing it had bene charged, threatned to run her through if I onceoffered but to aime at him, Foorth ye chamber he dragd her, holding hisrapier at hir hart, whilest I stil crid out, Saue her, kil me, & Ileransome her with a thousand duckets: but lust preuailed, no praierswould be heard. Into my chamber I was lockt, and watchmen charged (as hemade semblance when there was none there) to knocke me downe with theirhalberdes, if I stirde but a foote downe the staires. So threw I myselfe pensiue againe on my pallat, and dard all the deuils in hell now Iwas alone to come and fight with me one after another in defence of thatdetestable rape. I beat my head against the wals and cald them bauds, because they wold see such a wrong committed, and not fall vpon him. To returne to _Heraclide_ below, whom the vgliest of all bloud suckers_Esdras of Granado_ had vnder shrift. First he assayled her with roughmeanes, and slew her _Zanie_ at her foote, that stept before her inrescue. Then when al armed resist was put to flight, he assaied her withhonie speech, & promised her more iewells and giftes than hee was ableto pilfer in an hundred yeres after. He discourst vnto her how he wascountenanced and borne out by the pope, and how many execrable murtherswith impunitie he had executed on them that displeasde him. This is theeight score house (quoth he) that hath done homage vnto me, and here Iwill preuaile, or I will bee torne in pieces. Ah quoth _Heraclide_ (witha hart renting sigh) art thou ordaind to be a worse plague to me than yeplague it selfe? Haue I escapt the hands of God to fal into the hands ofman? Heare me _Iehouah_, & be merciful in ending my miserie. Dispatchme incontinent dissolute homicide deaths vsurper. Here lies my husbandstone colde on the dewie floore. If thou beest of more power than God, to strike me speedily, strike home, strike deep, send me to heauenwith my husband. Aie me, it is the spoyl of my honor thou seekest in mysoules troubled departure, thou art some deuill sent to tempt me. Auoidefrom me sathan, my soule is my sauiours, to him I haue bequeathed it, from him can no man take it. Jesu, Jesu spare mee vndefiled for thyspouse, Jesu, Jesu neuer faile those that put their trust in thee. Withthat she fell in a sowne, and her eies in their closing seemed to spauneforth in their outward sharpe corners new created seed pearle, which theworld before neuer set eie on. Soone he rigorously reuiued her, & toldeher yt he had a charter aboue scripture, she must yeld, she should yeld, see who durst remoue her out of his hands. Twixt life and death thus shefaintly replied. How thinkest thou, is there a power aboue thy power, if there be, he is here present in punishment, and on thee will takepresent punishment if thou persistest in thy enterprise. In the tyme ofsecuritie euerie man sinneth, but when death substitutes one frend hisspecial bayly to arrest another by infection, and dispearseth his quiuerinto ten thousand hands at once, who is it but lookes about him? A manthat hath an vneuitable huge stone hanging only by a haire ouer hishead, which he lookes euerie Pater noster while to fall and pash him inpeeces, will not he be submissiuely sorrowfull for his transgressions, refraine himselfe from the least thought of folly, and purifie hisspirit with contrition and penitence? Gods hand like a huge stone hangsvneuitably ouer thy head: what is the plague, but death playing theprouost marshall, to execute all those that wil not be called homeby anie other meanes. This my deare knights body is a quiuer of hisarrowes, which alreadie are shot into thee inuisible. Euen as the age ofgoates is knowen by the knots on their homes, so think the anger of Godapparently visioned or showne vnto thee in the knitting of my browes. A hundred haue I buried out of my house, at all whose departures I hauebeen present: a hundreds infection is mixed with my breath, loe, nowI breath vpon thee, a hundred deaths come vpon thee. Repent betimes, imagine there is a hell though not a heauen: that hell thy conscience isthroughly acquainted with, if thou hast murdred halfe so manie, as thouvnblushingly braggest. As _Mocenas_ in the latter end of his dayeswas seuen yeres without sleepe, so these seuen weekes haue I tookno slumber, my eyes haue kept continuall watch against the diuell myenemie: death I deemed my frend (frends flie from vs in aduersitie), death, the diuell & al the ministring spirits of temptation are watchingabout thee to intrap thy soule by my abuse to eternall damnation. It isthy soule only thou maist saue by sauing mine honor. 

Death will haue thy bodie infallibly for breaking into my house, that hehad selected for his priuate habitation. If thou euer camst of a woman, or hop'st to be sau'd by the seed of a woman, spare a woman. Dearesoppressed with dogs, when they cannot take soyle, runne to men forsuccor: to whom should women in their disconsolate and desperate estaterun, but to men like the Deare for succour and sanctuarie. If thou beea man thou wilt succour me, but if thou be a dog & a brute beast, thouwilt spoile me, defile me & teare me: either renounce Gods image, orrenounce the wicked minde that thou bearest. 

These words might haue moou'd a compound hart of yron and adamant, butin his hart they obtained no impression: for he sitting in his chaireof state against the doore all the while that she pleaded, leaning hisouerhanging gloomie eybrowes on the pommell of his vnsheathed sword, heeneuer lookt vp or gaue her a word: but when he perceiued shee expectedhis answere of grace or vtter perdition, he start vp and took hercurrishly by the neck, and askt her how long he should stay for herLadiship. 

Thoutelst me (quoth he) of the plague, and the heauie hand of God, andthy hundred infected breaths in one: I tel thee I haue cast the dice anhundred times for the galleyes in _Spaine_, and yet still mist theill chance. Our order of casting is this, If there bee a generallor captaine new come home from the warres, & hath some foure or fiuehundred crownes ouerplus of the kings in his hand, & his souldiors alpaid, he makes proclamation, that whatsoeuer two resolute men will goeto dice for it, and win the bridle or lose the saddle, to such a placelet them repaire, and it shall be ready for them. Thither go I & findeanother such needie squire resident. The dice runne, I win, he isvndone. I winning haue the crownes, he loosing is carried to thegalleys. This is our custome, which a hundred times and more hath paidmee custome of crownes, when the poore fellowes haue gone to _Gehenna_, had course bread and whipping chere all their life after. Now thinkestthou that I who so oft haue escapd such a number of hellish dangers, only depending on the turning of a few pricks, can be scarebugd withthe plague? what plague canst thou name worse than I haue had? whetherdiseases, imprisonment, pouertie, banishment, I haue past through themall. My owne mother gaue I a box of the eare to, and brake her neck downa pair of stairs, because she would not go in to a gentleman, when I badher: my sister I solde to an olde Leno, to make his best of her: aniekinswoman that I haue, knew I shee were not a whore, my selfe would makeher one: thou art a whore, thou shalt bee a whore in spite of religionor precise ceremonies. 

Therewith he flew vpon her, and threatned her with his sword, but itwas not that he meant to wounde her with. Hee graspt her by the iuoriethroate, and shooke her as a mastiffe would shake a yong beare, swearing& flaring he would teare out her wesand if she refused. Not content withthat sauage constraint, he slipt his sacriligious hand from her lillylawne skinned necke, and inscarfte it in her long siluer lockes, whichwith strugling were vnrould. Backward hee dragd her, euen as a manbackward would plucke a tree downe by the twigs, and then like a traitorthat is drawen to execution on a hurdle, he traileth her vp and downethe chamber by those tender vntwisted braids, and setting his barbarousfoote on her bare snowie breast, bad her yeeld or haue her wind stamptout She crid, stamp, stifle me in my hair, hang me vp by it on a beame, and so let mee die rather than I shoulde go to heauen wyth a beame inmy eie. No (quoth he) nor stampt, nor stifled, nor hanged, nor to heauenshalt thou go til I haue had my wil of thee, thy busie armes in thesesilken fetters Ile infold. Dismissing her haire from his fingers, andpinnioning her elbowes therwithal, she strugled, she wrested, but al wasin vain. So strugling & so resisting, her iewels did sweate, signifiengthere was poison comming towards her. On the hard boords hee threw her, and vsed his knee as an yron ram to beate ope the two leaude gate of herchastitie. Her husbands dead bodie he made a pillow to his abhomination. Coniecture the rest, my words sticke fast in the mire and are cleanetyred, would I had neuer vndertooke this tragicall tale. Whatsoeuer isborne is borne to haue end. Thus endeth my tale, his boorish lust wasglutted, his beastly desire satisfied, what in the house of any worthwas carriageable, he put vp and went his way. 

Let not your sorow die, you that haue read the proeme and narration ofthis elegiacal history. Shew you haue quick wits in sharpe conceit ofcompassion. A woman that hath viewd all her children sacrificed beforeher eies, & after the first was slaine wipt the sword with her apron toprepare it for the clenly murther of the second, and so on forwarde tillcame to the empiercing of the seuenteenth of her loines, will you notgiue her great allowance of anguish. This woman, this matrone, thisforsaken _Heraclide_, hauing buried fourteene children in fiue dayes, whose eyes she howlingly closed, and caught many wrinckles with funerallkisses: besides, hauing her husband within a day after layd forth asa comfortlesse corse, a carrionly blocke, that could neither eate withher, speak with her, nor weepe with her, is she not to be borne withallthough her bodie swells wyth a tympanie of teares, though her speach beas impatient as vnhappy _Hecubaes_, though her head raues and her brainedoates? Deuise with your selues that you see a corse rising fromhis heirce after hee is carried to Church, and such another suppose_Heraclide_ to bee, rising from the couch of enforced adulterie. 

Her eyes were dimme, her cheekes bloudlesse, her breath smelt earthie, her countenance was ghastly. Up she rose after she was deflowred, butloath she arose, as a reprobate soule rising to the day of iudgement. Looking on the tone side as she rose, she spide her husbands bodie lyingvnder her head: Ah then she bewayled as _Cephaius_ when hee had kild_Procris_ vnwittingly, or _Oedipus_ when ignorant he had slaine his ownefather, and knowen his mother incestuously. This was her subdued reasonsdiscourse. 

Haue I liu'd to make my husbands bodie the beere to carry me to hell, had filthie pleasure no other pillowe to leane vpon but his spreadedlimmes? On thy flesh my fault shall bee imprinted at the day ofresurrection. O beauty, the bait ordained to insnare the irreligious:rich men are robd for theyr welth, women are dishonested for being toofaire. No blessing is beautie but a curse: curst bee the time that euerI was begotten: curst be the time that my mother brought me forth totempt. The serpent in paradice did no more, the serpent in paradiceis damned sempiternally: why should not I hold my selfe damned (ifpredestinations opinions be true) that am predestinate to this horribleabuse. The hogge dieth presently if he loseth an eye: with the hoggehaue I wallowed in the myre, I haue lost my eye of honestie, it iscleane pluckt out with a strong hand of vnchastitie: what remaineth butI dye? Die I will, though life be vnwilling: no recompence is therefor mee to redeeme my compelled offence, but with a rigorous compelleddeath. Husband, He be thy wife in heauen: let not thy pure deceasingspirite despise me when we meete, because I am tyrannously polluted. The diuell, the belier of our frayltie, and common accuser of mankinde, cannot accuse me though he would of vnconstrained submitting. If anieguilt be mine, this is my fault, that I did not deforme my face, ere itshuld so impiously allure. Hauing passioned thus a while, she hastelyranne and lookt her selfe in her glasse to see if her sinne were notwritten on her forhead: with looking shee blusht though none lookt vponher but her owne reflected image. 

Then began she againe. _Heu quam difficile est crimen non proderevultu_; How hard is it not to bewray a mans fault by his forhead. Myselfe doo but behold my selfe, and yet I blush: then God beholding me, shall not I bee ten times more ashamed? The Angells shall hisse at mee, the Saints and Martyrs flye from me: yea, God himselfe shall adde tothe diuels damnation, because he suffred such a wicked creature to comebefore him. _Agamemnon_ thou wert an infidell, yet when thou wentst tothe Troian warre, thou leftst a Musitian at home with thy wife, whoby playing the foote _Spondous_ tyll thy returne, might keepe her inchastitie. My husband going to warre with the diuell and his enticementswhen hee surrendred, left no musition with me but mourning andmelancholy: had he left anie, as _Aegistus_ kild _Agamemnons_ musitionere he could be succesfull, so surely would he haue been kild ere this_Aegistus_ surceased. My distressed heart as the Hart when he loosethhis homes is astonied, and sorrowfullie runneth to hide himselfe, so beethou afflicted and distressed, hide thy selfe vnder the Almighties wingsof mercie: sve, plead, intreate, grace is neuer denyed to them thataske. It may be denied, I may be a vessell ordained to dishonor. Theonely repeale we haue from Gods vndefinite chastisement, is to chastiseour selues in this world: and so I will, nought but death bee mypennance, gracious and acceptable may it bee: my hand and my knife shallmanumit me out of the horror of minde I endure. Farewell life that hastlent me nothing but sorrow: farewell sinne sowed flesh, that hast moreweeds than flowers, more woes than ioyes. 

Point pierce, edge enwyden, I patiently affoord thee a sheath: spurrefoorth my soule to mount poast to heauen. Jesu forgiue me, Jesu receiueme. 

So throughly stabd fell she downe, and knockt her head against herhusbands bodie: wherewith, hee not hauing beene ayred his full foure andtwentie houres, start as out of a dreame: whiles I through a crannie ofmy vpper chamber vnseeled, had beheld all this sad spectacle. Awaking, hee rubd his head too and fro, and wyping his eyes with his hand beganto looke about him. Feeling some thing lye heauie on his breast, heturnd it off, and getting vpon his legges lighted a candle. 

Heere beginneth my purgatorie. For he good man comming into the hallwith the candle, and spying his wife wyth her haire about her earesdefiled and massacred, and his simple _Zanie Capestrano_ run thorough, tooke a halberde in hys hand, and running from chamber to chamber tosearch who in his house was likely to doo it, at length found melying on my bed, the doore lockt to me on the outside, and my rapiervnsheathed on the windowe: wherewith hee straight coniectured it was I. And calling the neighbours harde by, sayd I had caused my selfe to beelockt into my chamber after that sort, sent awaye my curtizane whomeI called my wife, and made cleane my rapier, because I would not beesuspected. Uppon this was I laide in prison, should haue been hanged, was brought to the ladder, had made a ballet for my farewell in areadines called _Wiltons wantonnes_, and yet for all that scap'd dancingin a hempen circle. He that hath gone through manie perils and returnedsafe from them, makes but a merriment to dilate them. I had the knotvnder my eare, there was faire playe, the hangman had one halter, andanother about my necke, which was fastned to the gallowes, the ridingdeuice was almost thrust home, and his foote on my shoulder to presseme downe, when I made my saint-like confession as you haue heard before, that such & such men at such an houre brake into the house, slew theZanie, tooke my curtizan, lockt me into my chamber, rauisht _Heraclide_, and finally how shee slew her selfe. 

Present at the execution was there a banisht English Earle, who hearingthat a countreyman of his was to suffer for such a notable murder, cameto heare his confession, and see if hee knew him. He had not heard metell halfe of that I haue recited, but hee craued audience, and desiredthe execution might be staid. 

Not two dayes since it is Gentlemen and noble _Romanes_ (said he) sincegoing to be let bloud in a barbars shop agaynst the infection, all ona suddaine in a great tumult and vproare was there brought in one_Bartoll_ an _Italian_ greeuously wounded and bloudie. I seeming tocommiserate his harmes, courteously questiond him with what ill debtershe had met, or how or by what casualtie he came to be so arraid. O quothhe long I haue liu'd sworne brothers in sensualitie with one _Esdras ofGranado_, fiue hundred rapes and murders haue wee committed betwixt vs. When our iniquities were growen to the height, and God had determined tocounterchecke our amitie, wee came to the house of _Iohannes de Imola_(whom this yong gentleman hath named) there did he iustifie al thoserapes in manner and forme as the prisoner here hath confest. But loean accident after, which neither he nor this audience is priuie too. _Esdras of Granado_ not content to haue rauisht the matrone _Heraclide_and robd her, after he had betooke hym from thence to his heeles, lighton his companion _Bartol_ with his curtizan: whose pleasing face hee hadscarce winkingly glaunc'd on, but hee pickt a quarrell with _Bartoll_ tohaue her from him. On this quarrell they fought _Bartoll_ was woundedto the death, _Esdras_ fled, and the faire dame left to go whither shewould. This _Bartoll_ in the barbars shoppe freely acknowledged, asboth the barbar and his man, and other heere present can amply depose. Deposed they were, their oathes went for currant, I was quit byproclamation, to the banisht Earle I came to render thankes: when thushe examind me and schoold me. 

Countriman, tell mee what is the occasion of thy straying so farre outof _England_ to visit this strange Nation. If it bee languages, thoumaist learne them at home, nought but lasciuiousnes is to be learnedhere. Perhaps to be better accounted of than other of thy condition, thou ambitiously vndertakest this voyage: these insolent fancies are but_Icarus_ fethers, whose wanton wax melted against the sunne, will betraythee into a sea of confusion. The first traueller was _Cayn_, and heewas called a vagabond runnagate on the face of the earth. Trauaile likethe trauaile wherein smithes put wilde horses when they shoo them, isgood for nothing but to tame and bring men vnder. God had no greatercurse to lay vppon the _Israelites_, than by leading them out of theirowne countrey to liue as slaues in a strange land. That which was theircurse, we Englishmen count our chief blessednes; he is no body that hathnot traueld: wee had rather liue as slaues in another land, croutch andcap, and bee seruile to euerie iealous Italians and proude Spaniardshumor, where wee may neyther speake looke nor doo anie thing, but whatpleaseth them, than liue as freemen and Lords in our owne countrey. Hethat is a traueller must haue the backe of an asse to beare all, a tunglike the tayle of a dog to flatter all, the mouth of a hog to eate whatis set before him, the eare of a merchant to heare all and say nothing:and if this be not the highest step of thraldome, there is no libertieor freedome. It is but a milde kind of subiection to be the seruant ofone master at once, but when thou hast a thousand thousand masters, as the veriest botcher, tinker or cobler freeborne wil dominere ouer aforreiner, & think to bee his better or master in company: then shaltthou finde theres no such hell, as to leaue thy fathers house (thynatural habitation) to liue in the land of bondage. If thou doest butlend halfe a looke to a Romans or Italians wife, thy porredge shall beeprepared for thee, and cost thee nothing but thy life. Chance some ofthem breake a bitter iest on thee, and thou retortst it seuerly, orseemest discontented: goe to thy chamber, & prouide a great banquet, for thou shalt bee sure to bee visited with guests in a maske the nextnight, when in kindnes and courtship thy throate shalbe cut, and thedoers returne vndiscouered. Nothing so long of memorie as a dog, these Italians are old dogs, and will carrie an iniurie a whole agein memorie: I haue heard of a box on the eare that hath been reuengedthirtie yeare after. The Neopolitane carrieth the bloudiest wreakfullminde, and is the most secrete flearing murderer. Whereupon it is growneto a common prouerb, He giue him the Neapolitan shrug, when one meanesto play the villaine, and makes no boast of it. 

The onely precept that a traueller hath most vse of, and shall findemost ease in, is that of _Epicharchusy Vigila & memor sis ne quidcredos_; Beleeue nothing, trust no man: yet seeme thou as thouswallowedst all, suspectedst none, but wert easie to be gulled by eueryone. _Multi fallere docuerunt_ (as _Seneca_ saith) _dum timent falli_;Many by showing their iealous suspect of deceit, haue made men seek moresubtill meanes to deceiue them. 

Alas, our Englishmen are the plainest dealing soules that euer God putlife in: they are greedie of newes, and loue to be fed in their humorsand heare themselues flattered the best that may be. Euen as _Philemon_a Comick Poet dyde with extreame laughter at the conceit of seeing anAsse eate fygges: so haue the Italians no such sport, as to see pooreEnglish asses how soberly they swallow Spanish figges deuour any hookebaited for them. He is not fit to trauell, that cannot with the Candiansliue on serpents, make nourishing foode euen of poyson. Rats and miceengender by licking one another, he must licke, he must croutch, he mustcogge, lye and prate, that either in the Court or a forraine Countreywill engender and come to preferment. Bee his feature what it will, if he be faire spoken he winneth frends: _Nonformosus erat, sed eratfacundus Vlysses; Vlysses_ the long traueller was not amiable, buteloquent. Some alleadge, they trauell to learne wit, but I am of thisopinion, that as it is not possible for anie man to learne the Arte ofMemorie, whereof _Tully, Quintillian, Seneca, and Hermannus Buschius_haue written so manie bookes, except he haue a naturall memorie before:so is it not possible for anie man to attaine anie great wit by trauell, except he haue the grounds of it rooted in him before. That wit which isthereby to be perfected or made stayd, is nothing but _Experientia longamalorum_; The experience of manie euills: the experience that such aman lost his life by this folly, another by that: such a young Gallantconsumed his substance on such a Curtizan: these courses of reuenge aMerchant of _Venice_ tooke against a Merchant of _Ferrara_: and thispoynt of iustice was shewed by the Duke vppon the murtherer. What isheere but wee maye read in bookes and a great deale more too, withoutstirring our feete out of a warme studie. 

_Vobis alii ventorum prolia narrent, _ (saith Ouid) _Quasq; Scillainfestat, quasue Charybdis aquas_. Let others tell you wonders of thewinde, How _Scalla_ or _Charybdis_ is enclinde. 

 --_vos quod quisque loquetur Credite_ --Beleeue you what they say, but neuer trie. 

So let others tell you straunge accidents, treasons, poysonings, closepackings in _Frounce, Spaine and Italy_: it is no harme for you toheare of them, but come not neere them. What is there in _Fraunce_ tobe learnd more than in _England_, but falshood in fellowship, perfectslouenrie, to loue no man but for my pleasure, to sweare _Ah par la mortDieu_ when a mans hammes are scabd. For the idle Traueller, (I meane notfor the Souldiour) I haue knowen some that haue continued there by thespace of halfe a dozen yeare, and when they come home, they haue hyda little weerish leane face vnder a broad French hat, kept a terriblecoyle with the dust in the streete in their long cloakes of gray paper, and spoke English strangely. Nought else haue they profited by theirtrauell, saue learnt to distinguish of the true _Burdeaux_ Grape, andknowe a cup of neate _Gascoygne_ wine, from wine of _Orleance _: yea andperaduenture this also, to esteeme of the poxe as a pimple, to wearea veluet patch on their face, and walke melancholy with their armesfolded. 

From _Spaine_ what bringeth our Traueller? a scull cround hat of thefashion of an olde deepe poringer, a diminutiue Aldermans ruffe withshorte strings like the droppings of a mans nose, a close-bellied dubletcomming downe with a peake behinde as farre as the crupper, and cut offbefore by the breast-boane like a partlet or neckercher, a wyde payre ofgascoynes which vngatherd would make a couple of womens ryding kyrtles, huge hangers that haue halfe a Cowe hyde in them, a Rapyer that islineally descended from halfe a dozen Dukes at the least. Let his cloakebe as long or as short as you will: if long, it is fac'd with Turkeygrogeran raueld; if short, it hath a cape like a calues tung, and isnot so deep in his whole length, nor hath so much cloth in it I williustifie, as onely the standing cape of a Dutchmans cloake. I haue notyet toucht all, for hee hath in eyther shoo as much taffaty for histyings, as would serue for an ancient: which serueth him (if you willhaue the mysterie of it) of the owne accord for a shoo-rag. A souldiorand a braggart he is (thats concluded) he ietteth strouting, dancingon his toes with his hands vnder his sides. If you talke with him, heemakes a dish-cloath of his owne Countrey in comparison of _Spaine_; butif you vrge him more particularly wherein it exceeds, hee can giue noinstance, but in _Spaine_ they haue better bread than any we haue: when(poore hungry slaues) they may crumble it into water wel enough and makemisons with it, for they haue not a good morsell of meate except it beesalt pilchers to eate with it al the yere long: and which is more, theyare poore beggers, and lye in foule straw euery night. 

_Italy_ the paradice of the earth, and the Epicures heauen, how dothit forme our yong master? It makes him to kisse his hand like an ape, cringe his neck like a starueling, and play at hey passe repasse comealoft when hee salutes a man. From thence he brings the art of atheisme, the art of epicurising, the art of whoring, the art of poysoning, theart of Sodomitrie. The onely probable good thing they haue to keepevs from vtterly condemning it, is, that it maketh a man an excellentCourtier, a curious carpet knight; which is by interpretation, a fineclose leacher, a glorious hypocrite. It is now a priuie note amongst thebetter sort of men, when they would set a singular marke or brand on anotorious villaine, to say, he hath been in _Italy_. 

With the Dane and the Dutchman I will not encounter, for they are simplehonest men, that with _Danaus_ daughters do nothing but fill bottomlestubs, & wil be drunk & snort in the midst of dinner: he hurts himselfeonely that goes thether, hee cannot lightly be damnd, for the vintners, the brewers, the malt-men and alewiues praye for him. Pitch and pay, they will play all day: score and borrow, they will wysh him muchsorrowe. But lightly a man is nere the better for their praiers, forthey commit al deadly sinne for the most part of them in mingling theirdrinke, the vintners in the highest degree. 

Why iest I in such a necessary perswasiue discourse? I am a banishtexile from my countrie, though nere linkt in consanguinitie to the best:an Earle borne by birth, but a begger now as thou seest. These manyyeres in _Italy_ haue I liu'd an outlaw. A while I had a liberallpension of the Pope, but that lasted not, for he continued not: onesucceeded him in his chaire, that car'd neither for Englishmen nor hisowne countrimen. Then was I driu'n to picke vp my crums amongst theCardinals, to implore the beneuolence & charitie of al the Dukes ofItaly whereby I haue since made a poore shift to liue, but so liue, as Iwish my selfe a thousand times dead. 

_Cumpatriam amisi, tunc me periisse putato_. When I was banisht, thinkeI caught my bane. 

The sea is the natiue soyle to fishes, take fishes from the sea, theytake no ioy nor thriue, but perish straight. So likewise the birdsremoued from the aire (the abode wherto they were borne) the beasts fromthe earth, and I from _England_. Can a lambe take delight to be suckledat the brests of a she-wolfe? I am a lambe nourisht with the milke ofwolues, one that with the Ethiopians inhabiting ouer against _Meroe_, feede on nothing but scorpions: vse is another nature, yet ten timesmore contentiue, were nature restored to her kingdome from whence sheeis excluded. Beleeue mee, no aire, no bread, no fire, no water agreewith a man, or dooth him anye good out of his owne countrey. Coldefrutes neuer prosper in a hot soile, nor hot in a cold. Let no man forany transitorie pleasure sell away the inheritance of breathing he hathin the place where he was born. Get thee home my yong lad, lay thy bonespeaceably in the sepulcher of thy fathers, waxe old in ouerlooking thygrounds, bee at hand to close the eyes of thy kinred. The diuell and Iam desperate, he of being restored to heauen, I of being recalled home. 

Here he held his peace and wept. I glad of any opportunitie of a fullpoynt to part from him, told him I tooke his counsaile in worth, whatlaye in mee to requite in loue should not bee lacking. Some businessethat concerned mee highly cald mee away verie hastely, but another timeI hop'd wee should meete. Verie hardly he let me goe, but I earnestlyouerpleading my occasions, at length he dismist mee, told mee where hislodging was, and charged mee to visite him without excuse very often. 

Heeres a stirre thought I to my selfe after I was set at libertie, thatis worse than an vpbrayding lesson after a britching: certainly if I hadbethought mee like a rascall as I was, hee should haue had an auemarieof mee for his cynicke exhortation. God plagud mee for deriding such agraue fatherly aduertiser. List the worst throw of ill luckes. 

Tracing vp and downe the City to seeke my Curtizan till the eueningbegan to growe well in age, it fortuned, the Element as if it had dronketoo much in the afternoone, powrde downe so profoundly, that I was forstto creepe like one afraid of the Watch close vnder the pentises, wherethe cellar doore of a Jewes house called _Zadoch_ (ouer which in mydirect waye I did passe) beeing vnbard on the inside, ouer head andeares I fell into it as a man falls in a ship from the oreloope into theholde: or as in an earthquake the ground should open, and a blinde mancome feeling pad pad ouer the open Gulph with his staffe, should stumbleon sodaine into hell. Hauing worne out the anguish of my fall a littlewith wallowing vp and downe, I cast vp myne eyes to see vnder whatContinent I was: and loe, (O destenie) I sawe my Curtizane kissing verielouingly with a prentise. My backe and my sides I had hurt with my fall, but now my head sweld & akt worse than both. I was euen gathering windeto come vpon her with a full blast of contumely, when the Jewe (awakdewith the noyse of my fall) came bustling downe the staires, and raysinghis other semants, attached both the Curtizane and mee for breaking hishouse, and conspiring with his prentise to rob him. 

It was then the lawe in _Rome_, that if anie man had a fellon falne intohis hands, eyther by breaking into his house, or robbing him by the highway, hee might choose whether he would make him his bondman, or hanghim. _Zadoch_ (as all Jewes are couetous) casting with himselfe heeshould haue no benefite by casting mee off the ladder, had anotherpolicie in his head: hee went to one Doctour _Zacharie_ the popesphisition, that was a Jewe and his Countreyman likewise, and tolde himhee had the finest bargaine for him that might bee. It is not concealedfrom mee (sayth he) that the time of your accustomed yearely Anatomieis at hand, which it behooues you vnder forfeiture of the foundation ofyour Colledge verie carefully to prouide for. The infection is great, and hardly will you get a sound bodie to deale vpon: you are myCountreyman, therefore I come to you first. Bee it knowen vnto you, I haue a young man at home falne to me for my bondman, of the age ofeighteene, of stature tall, streight limm'd, of as cleere a complectionas anie painters fancie can imagine: goe too, you are an honest man, andone of the scattered Children of _Abraham_ you shall haue him for fiuehundred crownes. Let mee see him quoth Doctour _Zacharie_, and Iwill giue you as much as another. Home hee sent for mee, pinniond andshackeld I was transported alongst the streete: where passing vnder_Iulianaes_ the Marques of _Mantuaes_ wiues window, that was a lustie_Bona Roba_ one of the popes concubines, as she had her casement halfeopen, she lookt out and spide me. At the first sight she was enamoredwith my age and beardles face, that had in it no ill signe ofphisiognomie fatall to fetters: after me shee sent to know what I was, wherein I had offended, and whether I was going? My conductsresolued them all. She hauing receiued this answere, with a lustfullcollachrimation lamenting my Jewish Premunire, that bodie and goods Ishould lyght into the hands of such a cursed generation, inuented themeanes of my release. 

But first Ile tel you what betided me after I was brought to Doctour_Zacharies_. 

The purblinde Doctour put on his spectacles and lookt vppon mee: andwhen he had throughly viewd my face, he caused mee to bee striptnaked, to feele and grope whether each lim were sound, and my skinnot infected. Then hee pierst my arme to see how my bloud ranne: whichassayes and searchings ended, he gaue _Zadoch_ hys full price and senthim away, then lockt mee vp in a darke chamber till the day of anatomie. 

O the cold sweating cares which I conceiued after I knew I should be cutlike a French summer dublet. Me thought already the bloud began togush out at my nose: if a flea on the arme had but bit me, I deemed theinstrument had prickt me. Well, well, I maye scofle at a shrowde turne, but theres no such readye waye to make a man a true Christian, as toperswade himselfe he is taken vp for an anatomie. Ile depose I praidthen more than I did in seauen yeare before. Not a drop of sweatetrickeled downe my breast and my sides, but I dreamd it was a smoothedgde razor tenderly slicing down my breast and my sides. If any knocktat doore. 

I supposed it was the beadle of Surgeons Hall come for mee. In the nightI dreamd of nothing but Phlebotomie, bloudy fluxes, incamatiues, runningvlcers. I durst not let out a wheale for feare through it I should bleedto death. For meate in this distance I had plum-porredge of purgationsministred mee one after another to clarifie my bloud, that it shouldnot lye doddered in the flesh. Nor did he it so much for clarifyingphisicke, as to saue charges. Miserable is that mouse that liues in aPhisitions house, _Tantalus_ liues not so hunger-starud in hell, as sheedoth there. Not the very crams that fall from his table, but Zacharysweepes together, and of them mouldes vp a Manna. Of the ashie paringsof his bread, he would make conserue of chippings. Out of boanes afterthe meate was eaten off, hee would alchumize an oyle, that he sold for ashilling a dramme. His snot and spittle a hundred tymes he hath putouer to hys Apothecarie for snowe water. Any Spider he would temper toperfect Mithridate. His rheumatique eyes when he went in the winde, or rose early in a morning, dropt as coole allom water as you wouldrequest. He was dame Niggardize sole heyre and executor. 

A number of olde bookes had he eaten with the moathes and wormes, nowall daye would not hee studye a dodkin, but picke those wormes andmoathes out of his Librarie, and of their mixture make a preseruatiueagainst the plague. The licour out of his shooes he would wring to makea sacred balsamum against barrennes. Spare we him a line or two, &looke backe to _Iuliana_, who conflicted in hir thoughts about me veriedebatefully, aduentured to send a messenger to Doctour _Zacharie_ in hername, verie boldly to beg me of him, and if shee might not beg me, to buy me with what summes of monie soeuer he would aske. _Zacharie_iewishly and churlishly withstood both her sutes, and sayde if therewere no more Christians on the earth, he would thrust his incision knifeinto his throate-boule immediatly. Which replie she taking at his handsmost despitefully, thought to crosse him ouer the shins with as sorean ouertwhart blow yet ere a moneth to an end. The pope (I knowe notwhether at her intreatie or no) within two dayes after fell sicke, Doctor _Zacharie_ was sent for to minister vnto him, who seeing a littledanger in his water, gaue him a gentle confortatiue for the stomack, anddesired those neere about him to perswade his holynes to take some rest, and hee doubted not but he would be forthwith well. Who should receiuethis mild phisicke of him but the concubine _Iuliana_ his vtter enimie, shee beeing not vnprouided of strong poison at that instant, in thepopes outward chamber so mingled it, that when his grande sublimitietaster came to relish it, he sunke downe starke dead on the pauement. Herewith the pope cald _Iuliana_, and askt her what strong concoctedbroth she had brought him. She kneeled downe on her knees, and sayd itwas such as _Zacliarie_ the Jew had deliuered her with his owne hands, and therefore if it misliked his holines she craued pardon. The Popewithout further sifting into the matter, woulde haue had _Zacharie_ andall Jewes in Rome put to death, but shee hung about his knees, & withcrocodile teares desired him the sentence might bee lenified, and theybee all but banisht at most. For doctor _Zacliary_ quoth she, your tentimes vngrateful phisition, since notwithstanding his trecherous intent, he hath much art, and many soueraigne simples, oiles, gargarismes andsirups in his closet and house that may stand your mightines in stead, I begge all his goods onely for your beatitudes preseruation and good. This request at the first was seald with a kisse, and the popes edictwithout delaye proclaimed throughout Rome, namely, that all foreskinneclippers whether male or female belonging to the old Jurie, shoulddepart and auoyde vpon payne of hanging within twentie dayes after thedate thereof. 

_Iuliana_ two dayes before the proclamation came out, sent her seruantsto extend vppon _Zacharies_ territories, his goods, his mooueables, hischattels and his seruants: who perfourmed their commission to the vtmosttitle, and left him not so much as master of an vrinall case or a candleboxe. It was about sixe a clocke in the euening, when those boot-halersentred: into my chamber they rusht, when I sate leaning on my elbow, andmy left hand vnder my side, deuising what a kinde of death it might beto be let bloud till a man dye. I cald to minde the assertion of somePhilosophers, who said the soule was nothing but bloud: then thought I, what a filthie thing were this, if I should let my soule fall and breakehis necke into a bason. I had but a pimple rose with heate in that partof the veyne where they vse to pricke, and I fearfully misdeemed it wasmy soule searching for passage. Fie vppon it, a mans breath to bee letout a backe-doore, what a villanie it is? To dye bleeding is all one asif a man should dye pissing. Good drink makes good bloud, so that pisseis nothing but bloud vnder age. _Seneca_ and _Lucan_ were lobcockes tochoose that death of all other: a pigge or a hogge or anie edible brutebeast a cooke or a butcher deales vpon, dyes bleeding. To dye with apricke, wherewith the faintest hearted woman vnder heauen would not bekild, O God it is infamous. 

In this meditation did they seaze vpon mee, in my cloake they muffeldmee that no man might knowe mee, nor I see which waye I was carried. The first ground I toucht after I was out of _Zacharies_ house, wasthe Countesse _Iulianaes_ chamber: little did I surmise that fortunereserued mee to so faire a death. I made no other reckoning all thewhile they had mee on their shoulders, but that I was on horse-backe toheauen, and carried to Church on a beere, excluded for euer for drinkinganie more ale or beere. _Iuliana_ scornfully questiond them thus (as ifI had falne into her hands beyond expectation), what proper apple-squireis this you bring so suspitiously into my chamber? what hath he done?where had you him? They aunswered likewise a farre of, that in oneof _Zacharies_ chambers they found him close prisoner, and thoughtthemselues guiltie of the breach of her Ladiships commaundement ifthey should haue left him behinde. O quoth she, ye loue to bee doublediligent, or thought peraduenture that I being a lone woman stood inneede of a loue. Bring you me a princockes beardlesse boy (I knowe notwhence hee is, nor whether he would) to call my name in suspense? I tellyou, you haue abused me, and I can hardly brook it at your hands. Youshould haue lead him to the Magistrate, no commission receiued you ofme but for his goods and his seruants. They besought her to excuse theirouerweening errour, it proceeded from a zealous care of their duetie, and no negligent default But why should not I coniecture the worst quothshe? I tell you troth, I am halfe in a iealozie hee is some fantasticallamorous yonckster, who to dishonor me hath hyr'd you to this stratagem. It is a likely matter that such a man as _Zacharie_ should make a prisonof his house, and deale in matters of state. By your leaue sir gallant, vnder locke and key shal you stay with me, till I haue enquirde furtherof you, you shall be sifted thoroughly ere you and I part Goe maide shewhim to the further chamber at the ende of the gallerie that lookes intothe garden: you my trim pandars I pray garde him thether as you tookepaines to bring him hether. When you haue so done, see the dores be madefast, and come your way. Heere was a wily wench had her liripoop withoutbook, she was not to seeke in her knackes and shifts: such are allwomen, not one of them but hath a cloak for the raine, and can bleareher husbands eyes as she list. Not too much of this madam Marques atonce: wele step a little backe, and dilate what _Zadoch_ the Jew didwith my curtizan, after he had sold me to _Zacharie_. Of an ill tree Ihope you are not so ill sighted in grafting to expect good frute: he wasa Jew, & intreated her like a Jew. Under shadow of enforcing her to tellhow much money she had of his prentice so to bee trayned to his cellar, hee stript her, and scourgd her from top to toe tantara. Day by dayhee disgested his meate with leading her the measures. A diamondDelphinicall drye leachour it was. 

The ballet of the whipper of late dayes here in England, was but ascoffe in comparison of him. All the colliers of Romford, who holdtheir corporation by yarking the blind beare at Paris garden, were butbunglers to him, he had the right agility of the lash, there were noneof them could made the cord come aloft with a twange halfe like him. Marke the ending, marke the ending. The tribe of Juda is adiudgedfrom Rome to bee trudging, they may no longer be lodged there, allthe Albumazers, Rabisacks, Gedeons, Tebiths, Benhadads, Benrodans, Zedechiahs, Halies of them were banquerouts and turnd out of houseand home. _Zacharie_ came running to _Zadochs_ in sack cloth and ashespresently after his goods were confiscated and tolde him how he wasserued, and what decree was comming out against them all. Descriptionsstand by, heere is to be expressed the furie of Lucifer when he wasturnd ouer heauen barre for a wrangler. There is a toad fish, whichtaken out of the water swels more than one would thinke his skin couldholde, and bursts in his face that toucheth him. So swelled _Zadoch_, and was readie to burst out of his skinne, and shoote his bowels likechaine-shot full at _Zacharies_ face for bringing him such balefulltidings, his eies glared and burnt bliewe like brimstone and _aqua vito_set on fire in an egshell, his verie nose lightned glow-wormes, histeeth crasht and grated together, like the ioynts of a high buildingcracking and rocking like a cradle, when as a tempest takes her full butagainst his broad side. He swore, he curst, and said, these be theythat worshippe that crucifide God of Nazareth, heres the fruits of theirnewfound gospell, sulphur and gunpouder carry them all quick to Gehenna. I would spend my soule willingly, to haue this triple headed Pope withall his sin-absolued whores, and oile-greased priests borne with ablacke sant on the deuills backes in procession to the pit of perdition. Would I might sinke presently into ye earth, so I might blow vp thisRome, this whore of _Babylon_ into the aire with my breath. If I mustbe banisht, if those heathen dogs will needes rob me of my goods, I wyllpoyson their springs and conduit heades, whence they receiue all theirwater round about the citie, He tice all the yong children into my housethat I can get, and cutting their throates barrell them vp in poudringbeefe tubbes, and so send them to victuall the popes galleyes. Erethe officers come to extend, Ile bestowe a hundred pound on a doale ofbread, which Ile cause to bee kneaded with Scorpions oy le that maykill more than the plague. Ile hire them that make their wafers orsacramentarie gods to minge them after the same sort, so in the zealeof their superstitious religion, shall they languish and droup likecarrion. If there be euer a blasphemous coniurer, that can call thewindes from their brazen caues, and make the cloudes trauell beforetheir time, Ile giue him the other hundred pounds to disturbe theheauens a whole weeke together with thunder and lightning, if it bee fornothing but to sowre all the wines in _Rome_, and turne them to vinegar. As long as they haue either oyle or wine, this plague feedes butpinglingly vpon them. 

_Zadoch, Zadoch_ said Doctor _Zacharie_, (cutting him off) thouthreatenest the aire, whiles wee perish heere on earth. It is theCountesse _Iuliana_ the Marquesse of _Mantuaes_ wife and no other, thathath complotted our confusion. Aske not how, but insist in my words, andassist in reuenge. 

As how, as how, said _Zadoch_, shrugging and shrubbing. More happie thanthe Patriarches were I, if crusht to death with the greatest torments_Romes_ tyrants haue tride, there might be quintessenst out of me onequart of precious poyson. I haue a leg with an issue, shall I cut itoff, and from his fount of corruption extract a venome worse than anieserpents? If thou wilt, Ile goe to a house that is infected, wherecatching the plague, and hauing got a running sore vpon me, Ile comeand deliuer her a supplication, and breathe vpon her. I know my breathstinkes so alreadie, that it is within halfe a degree of poyson. Ile payher home if I perfect it with any more putrifaction. 

No, no brother _Zadoch_ answered _Zacharie_, that is not the way. Canst thou prouide mee ere a bondmaide, indued with singular & diuinequalified beautie, whome as a present from our synagogue thou maistcommend vnto her, desiring her to be good and gracious vnto vs. 

I haue, I am for you quoth _Zadoch_: _Diamante_ come forth. Heeres awench (said he) of as cleare a skin as _Susanna_, shee hath not a wemmeon her flesh from the soale of the foote to the crowne of the head: howthinke you master doctor, will shee not serue the turne?

She will, said _Zacharie_: and therefore Ile tell you what charge Iwould haue committed to her. But I care not if I disclose it onely toher. Maid, (if thou beest a maid) come hether to mee, thou must be sentto the countesse of _Mantuaes_ about a small peece of seruice, wherebybeing now a bond woman thou shalt purchase freedome, and gaine a largedowrie to thy marriage. I know thy master loues thee derely though heewill not let thee perceiue so much, hee intends after hee is dead tomake thee his heire, for he hath no children: please him in that I shallinstruct thee, and thou art made for euer. So it is, that the pope isfarre out of liking with the countesse of _Mantua_ his concubine, and hath put his trust in me his phisition to haue her quietly andcharitably made away. Now I cannot intend it, for I haue manie cures inhand which call vpon me hourely: thou if thou beest plac'd with her asher waiting maid or cup-bearer, maist temper poyson with her broth, hermeate, her drinke, her oyles, her sirrups, and neuer bee bewraid. I willnot say whether the pope hath heard of thee, and thou maist come to beehis lemman in her place, if thou behaue thy selfe wisely. What, hastthou the heart to go thorough with it or no? _Diamante_ deliberatingwith her selfe in what hellish seruitude she liu'd with the Jew, andthat she had no likelihood to be releast of it, but fall from euill toworse if she omitted this opportunitie, resigned her selfe ouer whollyto be disposed and emploid as seemed best vnto them. Therevpon, withoutfurther consultation, her wardrop was richly rigd, her tongue smoothfil'd & new edg'd on the whetstone, her drugs deliuerd her, andpresented she was by _Zadoch_ her master to the countesse, together withsome other slight new-fangles, as from the whole congregation, desiringher to stand their merciful mistresse, and sollicite the Pope for them, that through one mans ignorant offence were all generally in disgracewith him, and had incurred the cruell sentence of losse of goods and ofbanishment. 

_Iuliana_ liking wel the pretie round face of my black browe _Diamante_, gaue the Jew better countenance than otherwise she would haue done, and told him for her owne part shee was but a priuate woman, and couldpromise nothing confidently of his holines: for though he had suffredhimselfe to bee ouerruled by her in some humors, yet in this that tutchthim so nerely, she knew not how he would be enclind: but what lay in hereither to pacifie or perswade him they should be sure of, and so crau'dhis absence. 

His backe turnd, shee askt _Diamante_ what countrey woman she was, what frends she had, and how shee fell into the hands of that Jew? Sheanswered, that she was a _Magnificoes_ daughter of _Venice_, stolne whenshe was yong from her frends, and sold to this Jew for a bondwoman, who(quoth she) hath vsde me so iewishly and tyrannously, that for euer Imust celebrate the memorie of this day, wherein I am deliuered from hisJurisdiction. Alas (quoth she deep sighing) why did I enter into aniemention of my owne misusage? It will be thought that that which I am nowto reueale, proceeds of mallice not truth. Madam, your life is sought bythese Jewes that sue to you. Blush not, nor be troubled in your minde, for with warning I shall arme you against all their intentions. Thusand thus (quoth she) said doctor _Zacharie_ vnto me, this poyson hedeliuered me. Before I was cald in to them, such and such consultationthrough the creuise of the dore fast lockt did I heare betwixt them. Denie it if they can, I will iustifie it: onely I beseech you to befauorable Ladie vnto me, and let me not fall againe into the hands ofthose vipers. 

_Iuliana_ said little but thought vnhappely, onely she thankt her fordetecting it, and vowed though she were her bond woman to be a mothervnto her. The poyson she tooke of her, and set it vp charily on a shelfein her closet, thinking to keepe it for some good purposes: as forexample, when I was consumed and worne to the bones through her abuse, she would giue me but a dram too much, and pop mee into a priuie. Soshee had seru'd some of her paramours ere that, and if God had not sent_Diamante_ to be my redeemer, vndoubtedly I had drunke of the same cup. 

In a leafe or two before was I lockt vp: heere in this page the foresaidgoodwife Countesse comes to me, shee is no longer a iudge but a client. How she came, in what manner of attyre, with what immodest and vncomelywords shee courted me, if I should take vpon me to enlarge, all modesteares would abhorre me. Some inconuenience she brought me too by herharlot-like behauiour, of which inough I can neuer repent me. 

Let that bee forgiu'n and forgotten, fleshly delights could not make herslothfull or slumbring in reuenge against _Zadoch_. Shee set men abouthim to incense and egge him on in courses of discontentment, andother supervising espialls, to plye followe and spurre for-warde thosesuborning incensers. Both which playd their parts so, that _Zadoch_ ofhis own nature violent, swore by the arke of _Iehoua_ to set the wholecitie on fire ere he went out of it. _Zacharie_ after he had furnishtthe wench with the poyson, and giu'n her instructions to goe to thediuell, durst not staye one houre for feare of disclosing, but fled tothe Duke of _Burbon_ that after sackt Rome, & there practised with hisbastardship all the mischief against the pope and _Rome_ that enuiecould put into his minde. _Zadoch_ was left behinde for the hangman. According to his oath, he prouided balls of wilde fire in a readines, and laid traines of gunpouder in a hundred seuerall places of the citieto blow it vp, which hee had set fire too, as also bandied his ballsabroad, if his attendant spies had not taken him with ye manner. To thestraightest prison in _Rome_ he was dragged, where from top to toe hewas clogd with fetters and manacles. _Iuliana_ informed the pope of_Zacharies_ and his practise, _Zachary_ was sought for, but _non estinuentus_, he was packing long before. Commaundement was giu'n, that_Zadoch_ whom they had vnder hand and seale of locke and key, should beexecuted with all the fiery torments that could be found out. 

He make short worke, for I am sure I haue wearied all my readers. To theexecution place was he brought, where first and formost he was stript, then on a sharpe yron stake fastened in the ground, had he his fundamentpitcht, which stake ran vp along into his bodie like a spit, vnder hisarme-hoales two of like sort, a great bonfire they made round about him, wherewith his flesh rosted not burnd: and euer as with the heate hisskinne blistered, the fire was drawne aside, and they basted him witha mixture of Aqua fortis, allam water, and Mercury sublimatum, whichsmarted to the very soule of him, and searcht him to the marrowe. Thendid they scourge hys backe parts so blistered and basted, with burningwhips of red hot wire: his head they noynted ouer with pitch andtarre, and so enflamed it. To his priuie members they tied streamingfierworkes, the skinne from the crest of his shoulder, as also from hiselbowes, his huckle bones, his knees, his ankles they pluckt and gnawdoff with sparkling pincers: hys breast and his belly with seale skinsthey grated ouer, which as fast as they grated & rawed, one stoode ouerand lau'd with smithes cindry water and _aqua vito_: his nayles theyhalfe raised vp, and then vnderpropt them with Sharpe prickes like ataylers shop windowe halfe open on a holiday: euerie one of his fingersthey rent vp to the wrist: his toes they brake off by the rootes, andlet them still hang by a little skinne. In conclusion, they had a smalloyle fire, such as men blow light bubbles of glasse with, and beginningat his feet, they let him lingringly burne vp limme by limme, till hishart was consumed, and then he died. Triumph women, this was the endof the whipping Jew, contriued by a woman, in reuenge of two women, herselfe and her maid. 

I haue told you or should tell you in what credit _Diamante_ grew withher mistres. _Iuliana_ neuer dreamed but she was an authenticall maide:she made her the chiefe of her bed chamber, she appointed none but herto looke into me, and serue me of such necessaries as I lacked. You mustsuppose when wee met there was no small reioycing on either part, muchlike the three Brothers that went three seuerall wayes to seeke theirfortunes, and at the yeres end at those three crosse waies met againe, and told one another how they sped: so after we had been long asunderseeking our fortunes, wee commented one to another most kindly, whatcrosse haps had encountred vs. Nere a six houres but the Countesse cloydmee with her companie. It grew to this passe, that either I must findeout some miraculous meanes of escape, or drop away in a consumption, asone pin'd for lacke of meate: I was cleane spent and done, there was nohope of me. 

The yere held on his course to domes day, when Saint _Peters_ daydawned. That day is a day of supreme solemnitie in _Rome_, when theEmbassador of _Spaine_ comes and presents a milke white iennet to thepope, that kneeles downe vppon his owne accord in token of obeisaunceand humilitie before him, and lets him stride on his backe as easie asone strides ouer a blocke: with this iennet is offered a rich purse ofa yard length, full of Peter-pence. No musique that hath the gift ofvtterance, but sounds all the while: coapes and costly vestments deckethe hoarsest and beggerliest singing man, not a clarke or sexten isabsent, no nor a mule nor a foote-cloth belonging to anie cardinall, butattends on the taile of the triumph. The pope himselfe is borne in hispontificalibus thorough the _Burgo_ (which is the cheefe streete in_Rome_) to the Embassadors house to dinner, and thether resorts all theassembly: where if a Poet should spend all his life time in describing abanquet, he could not feast his auditors halfe so wel with words, as hedoth his guests with iunkets. 

To this feast _Iuliana_ addressed her selfe like an Angell: in a littourof greene needle-worke wrought like an arbor, and open on euerie sidewas she borne by foure men, hidden vnder cloth rough plushed and wouenlike eglantine and wood-bine. At the foure corners it was topt withfoure round christall cages of Nightingales. For foote men, on eitherside of her went foure virgins clad in lawne, with lutes in their handsplaying. Next before her two and two in order, a hundred pages in sutesof white cipresse, and long horsemens coates of cloth of siluer: whobeing all in white, aduanced euery one of them her picture, enclosedin a white round screene of feathers, such as is carried ouer greatPrincesses heads when they ride in summer, to keepe them from the heateof the sun. Before the went a foure-score bead women she maintaind ingreene gownes, scattring strowing hearbs and floures, After her followedthe blinde, the halt and the lame sumptuously apparailed like Lords: andthus past she on to Saint _Peters_. 

_Interea quid agitur donti_, how ist at home all this while. My curtizanis left my keeper, the keyes are committed vnto her, she is mistres _factotunt_. Against our countesse we conspire, packe vp all her iewels, plate, money that was extant, and to the water side send them: toconclude, couragiously rob her, and run away. _Quid non auri sacrafames_? What defame will not golde salue. Hee mistooke himselfe thatinuented the prouerbe, _Dimicandum est pro aris & fama_: for it shouldhaue been _pro auro & fama_: not for altares and fires we must contend, but for gold and fame. 

Oares nor winde could not stirre nor blow faster, than we toyld out of_Tiber_; a number of good fellowes would giue size ace and the dice thatwith as little toyle they could leaue Tyburne behinde them. Out of kenwe were ere the Countesse came from the feast When she returned andfound her house not so much pestred as it was wont, her chests herclosets and her cupbords broke open to take aire, and that both I and mykeeper was missing: O then shee fared like a franticke Bacchinall, shestampt, she star'd, shee beate her head against the walls, scratcht herface, bit her fingers, and strewd all the chamber with her haire. None of her seuants durst stay in her sight, but she beate them outin heapes, and bad them goe seeke search they knew not where, and hangthemselues, and neuer looke her in the face more, if they did not huntvs out. After her furie had reasonably spent it selfe, her breast beganto swell with the mother, caused by her former fretting & chafing, andshe grew verie ill at ease. Whereuppon shee knockt for one of her maids, and had her run into her closet, and fetch her a little glasse thatstood on the vpper shelfe, wherein there was _spiritus vini_. The maidwent, & mistaking tooke the glasse of poyson which _Diamante_ had giu'nher, and she kept in store for me. Comming with it as fast as her legscould carrie her, her mistres at her returne was in a swound, and layfor dead on the floore, wherat she shrikt out, and fel a rubbing &chafing her very busily. When that would not serue, she tooke a keye andopened her mouth, and hauing heard that _spiritus vini_ was a thing ofmightie operation, able to call a man from death to life, shee tooke thepoyson, and verely thinking it to be _spiritus vini_ (such as she wassent for) powrd a large quantitie of it into her throate, and iogd onher backe to disgest it. It reuiu'd her with a merrie vengeance, for itkilde her outright: only she awakend and lift vp her hands, but spakenere a word. Then was the maid in her grandames beanes, and knew notwhat should become of her: I heard the Pope tooke pitie on her, andbecause her trespasse was not voluntary but chancemedly, he assigned herno other punishment but this, to drinke out the rest of the poyson inthe glasse that was left, and so goe scot-free. We carelesse of thesemischances, helde on our flight, and saw no man come after vs but wethought had pursued vs. A theefe they say mistakes euerie bush for atrue man, thewinde ratled not in anie bush by the way as I rode, but Istraight drew my rapier. To _Bolognia_ with a merrie gale wee posted, where wee lodged our selues in a blinde streete out of the way, and keptsecret manie dayes: but when we perceiued we saild in the hauen, thatthe winde was layd, and no alarum made after vs, we boldly came abroad:& one day hearing of a more desperat murdrer than _Cayn_ that was tobe executed, we followed the multitude, and grutcht not to lend him oureyes at his last parting. 

Who should it bee but one _Cutwolfe_, a wearish dwarfish writhen fac'dcobler, brother to _Bartoll_ the Italian, that was confederate with_Esdras_ of _Granado_, and at that time stole away my curtizan, when herauisht _Heraclide_. 

It is not so naturall for me to epitomize his impietie, as to heare himin his owne person speake vppon the wheele where he was to suffer. 

Prepare your eares and your teares, for neuer till this thrust I anietragicall matter vpon you. Strange and wonderfull are Gods iudgements, heere shine they in their glory. Chast _Heraclide_ thy bloud is laidvp in heauens treasurie, not one drop of it was lost, but lent out tovsurie: water powred forth sinkes downe quietly into the earth, butbloud spilt on the ground sprinkles vp to the firmament. Murder iswide-mouthd, and will not let God rest till he grant reuenge. Not onelythe bloud of the slaughtred innocent but the soule ascendeth to histhrone, and there cries out & exclaimes for iustice and recompence. Guiltles soules that liue euerie houre subiect to violence, and withyour despairing feares doo much empaire Gods prouidence: fasten youreyes on this spectacle that will adde to your faith. Referre all youroppressions afflictions and iniuries to the euen ballanced eye of theAlmightie, hee it is, that when your patience sleepeth, will bee mostexceeding mindfull of you. 

This is but a glose vpon the text: thus _Cutwolfe_ begins his insultingoration. 

Men and people that haue made holy-daie to behold my pained flesh toileon the wheele. Expect not of me a whining penitent slaue, that shal donothing but crie and saie his praiers, and so be crusht in peeces. Mybodie is little, but my minde is as great as a Giants: the soule whichis in mee, is the verie soul of _Iulius Cosar_ by reuersion. My name is_Cutwolfe_, neither better nor worse by occupation, than a poore coblerof _Verona_, coblers are men and kings are no more. The occasion of mycomming hether at this present, is to haue a fewe of my bones broken(as we are all borne to die) for being the death of the Emperour ofhomicides _Esdras of Granado_. About two yeares since in the streetesof _Rome_ he slew the onely and eldest brother I had named _Bartoll_, inquarrelling about a curtizan. The newes brought to me as I was sittingin my shop vnder a stall knocking in of tackes, I think I raisd vp mybristles, solde pritchaule, spunge, blacking tub, and punching yron, bought mee rapier and pistoll, and to goe I went. Twentie monthstogether I pursued him, from _Rome to Naples, from Naples to Caietepassing ouer the riuer, from Caiete to Syenna, from Syenna to Florence, from Florence to Parma, from Parma to Pauia, from Pauia to Syon, fromSyon to Geneua, from Geneua backe againe towards Rome_: where in the wayit was my chance to meet him in the nicke here at _Bolognia_, as I willtell you how. I saw a great fray in the streetes as I past along, andmanie swords walking, wherevpon drawing neerer, and enquiring who theywere, answer was returned mee it was that notable Bandetto _Esdras ofGranado_. O so I was tickled in the spleene with that word, my hearthopt & daunst, my elbowes itcht, my fingers friskt, I wist not whatshould become of my feete, nor knew what I did for ioy. The fray parted. I thought it not conuenient to single him out (being a sturdie knaue)in the street, but to stay till I had got him at more aduantage. Tohis lodging I dogd him, lay at the dore all night where hee entred, forfeare hee should giue me the slip anie way. Betimes in the morning Irung the bell and crau'd to speake with him: vp to his chamber dore Iwas brought, where knocking, hee rose in his shirt and let me in, andwhen I was entred, bad me lock the dore and declare my arrant, and so heslipt to bed againe. 

Marrie this quoth I is my arrant Thy name is _Esdras of Granado_, is itnot? Most treacherously thou slewst my brother _Bartoll_ about two yeresagoe in the streetes of _Rome_: his death am I come to reuenge. In questof thee euer since aboue three thousand miles haue I trauaild. I hauebegd to maintaine me the better part of the waye, onely because I wouldintermit no time from my pursute in going backe for monie. Now haueI got thee naked in my power, die thou shalt, though my mother and mygrandmother dying did intreate for thee. I haue promist the diuell thysoule within this houre, breake my word I will not, in thy breast Iintend to burie a bullet. Stirre not, quinch not, make no noyse: for ifthou dost it will be worse for thee. Quoth _Esdras_, what euer thou beeat whose mercie I lye, spare me, and I wil giue thee as much gold asthou wilt aske. Put me to anie paines my life reserued, and I willinglywill sustaine them: cut off my armes and legs, and leaue me as a lazerto some loathsome spittle, where I may but liue a yeare to pray andrepent me. For thy brothers death the despayre of minde that hath euersince haunted mee, the guiltie gnawing worme of conscience I feelemay bee sufficient penaunce. Thou canst not send me to such a hell, asalreadie there is in my hart. To dispatch me presently is no reuenge, it wil soone be forgotten: let me dye a lingring death, it will beremembred a great deale longer. A lingring death maye auaile my soule, but it is the illest of ills that can befortune my bodie. For my souleshealth I beg my bodies torment: bee not thou a diuell to torment mysoule, and send me to eternall damnation. Thy ouer-hanging swordhides heauen from my sight, I dare not looke vp, least I embrace mydeaths-wound vnawares: I cannot pray to God, and plead to thee bothat once. Ay mee, alreadie I see my life buried in the wrinckles of thybrowes: say but I shall liue, though thou meanest to kill me. Nothingconfounds like to suddaine terror, it thrusts euerie sense out ofoffice. Poyson wrapt vp in sugred pills is but halfe a poyson: the feareof deaths lookes are more terrible than his stroake. The whilest I viewedeath, my faith is deaded: where a mans feare is, there his heart is. Feare neuer engenders hope: how can I hope that heauens father will sauemee from the hell euerlasting, when he giues me ouer to the hell of thyfurie. 

_Heraclide_, now thinke I on thy teares sowen in the dust (thy teares, that my bloudie minde made barraine). In reuenge of thee, God hardensthis mans heart against mee: yet I did not slaughter thee, thoughhundreds else my hand hath brought to the shambles. Gentle sir, learneof mee what it is to clog your conscience with murder, to haue yourdreames, your sleepes, your solitarie walkes troubled and disquietedwith murther. Your shaddowe by daye will affright you, you will not seea weapon vnsheathd, but immediately you will imagine it is predestinatefor your destruction. 

This murder is a house diuided within it selfe: it subornes a mansowne soule to informe against him: his soule (being his accuser) bringsfoorth his two eyes as witnesses agaynst him: and the least eyewitnesse is vnrefutable. Plucke out my eyes if thou wilt, and depriuemy trayterous soule of her two best witnesses. Digge out my blasphemoustongue with thy dagger, both tongue and eyes will I gladly forgoe, tohaue a little more time to thinke on my iourney to heauen. 

Deferre a while thy resolution. I am not at peace with the world, for euen but yesterdaye I fought, and in my furie threatened furthervengeaunce: had I face to face askt forgiuenesse, I should thinkehalfe my sinnes were forgiuen. A hundred Diuells haunt mee daily for myhorrible murders: the diuells when I dye will be loath to goe to hellwith mee, for they desir'd of Christ he would not send them to hellbefore their time; if they goe not to hell, into thee they will goe, andhideously vexe thee for turning them out of their habitation. Wounds Icontemne, life I prize light, it is another worlds tranquilitie whichmakes me so timerous: euerlasting damnation, euerlasting howling andlamentation. It is not from death I request thee to deliuer me, but fromthis terror of torments eternitie. Thy brothers bodie onely I pierstvnaduisedly, his soule meant I no harme too at all: my bodie & souleboth shalt thou cast awaye quite, if thou doost at this instant whatthou maist Spare me, spare me I beseech thee: by thy owne soulessaluation I desire thee, seeke not my soules vtter perdition: indestroying me, thou destroyest thy selfe and me. 

Eagerly I replide after his long suppliant oration; Though I knewe Godwould neuer haue mercie on mee except I had mercie on thee, yet of theeno mercie would I haue. Reuenge in our tragedies continually is raisedfrom hell: of hell doo I esteeme better than heauen, if it affoord mereuenge. There is no heauen but reuenge. I tell thee, I would not hauevndertooke so much toyle to gaine heauen, as I haue done in pursuingthee for reuenge. Diuine reuenge, of which (as of the ioyes aboue)there is no fulnes or satietie. Looke how my feete are blisteredwith following thee from place to place. I haue riuen my throatwithouerstraining it to curse thee. I haue grownd my teeth to pouderwith grating and grinding them together for anger, when anie hath nam'dthee. My tongue with vaine threates is bolne, and waxen too big formy mouth. My eies haue broken their strings with staring and lookingghastly, as I stood deuising how to frame or set my countenance when Imet thee. I haue nere spent my strength in imaginarie acting on stonewals, what I determined to execute on thee. Entreate not, a miracle mayenot repriue thee: villaine, thus march I with my blade into thy bowels. 

Stay, stay exclaimed _Esdras_, and heare mee but one word further. Though neither for God nor man thou carest, but placeth thy wholefelicitie in murder, yet of thy felicitie learne how to make a greaterfelicitie. Respite me a little from thy swords poynt, and set meeabout some execrable enterprise, that may subuert the whole state ofChristendome, and make all mens eares tingle that heare of it. Commaundme to cut all my kindreds throates, to burne men women and children intheir beds in millions, by firing their Cities at midnight. Be it Pope, Emperour or Turke that displeaseth thee, he shal not breath on theearth. For thy sake will I sweare and forsweare, renounce my baptisme, and all the interest I haue in any other sacrament. Onely let me liuehow miserable soeuer, be it in a dungeon amongst toades, serpents andadders, or set vp to the necke in dung. No paines I will refuse how euerproroged, to haue a little respite to purifie my spirit: oh heare me, heare me, and thou canst not be hardned against me. 

At this his importunitie paused a little, not as retyring from mywreakful resolution, but going back to gather more forces of vengeance. With my selfe I deuised how to plague him double for his base minde. My thoughts traueld in quest of some notable newe Italionisme, whosemurdrous platforme might not onely extend on his bodie, but his soulealso. The ground worke of it was this. That whereas he had promised formy sake to sweare and forsweare, and commit _Iulian_-like violence onthe highest seales of religion: if he would but thus farre satisfieme he should bee dismist from my furie. First and formost he shouldrenounce God and his lawes, and vtterly disclaime the whole title orinterest he had in anie couenaunt of saluation. Next he should cursehim to his face, as _Iob_ was willed by his wife, and write an absolutefirme obligation of his soule to the diuell, without condition orexception. Thirdly and lastly (hauing done this), hee should praye toGod feruently neuer to haue mercie vppon him, or pardon him. Scarcehad I propounded these articles vnto him, but he was beginning hisblasphemous abiurations. I wonder the earth opened not and swallowedvs both hearing the bold tearmes he blasted forth in contempt ofChristianitie: Heauen hath thundred when halfe lesse contumelies againstit haue been vttered. Able they were to raise Saints and Martirs fromtheir graues, and plucke Christ himselfe from the right hand of hisfather. My ioints trembled & quakt with attending them, my haire stoodvpright, & my hart was turned wholly to fire. So affectionately andzealously did hee giue himselfe ouer to infidelitie, as if sathan hadgotten the vpper hand of our high Maker. The veyne in his left hand thatis deriued from his heart with no faint blow he pierst, & with the bloudthat flowd from it, writ a ful obligation of his soule to the diuell:yea, more earnestly he praid vnto God neuer to forgiue it his soule, than manie Christians doo to saue theyr soules. These fearfullceremonies brought to an end, I bad him ope his mouth and gape wide. Hedid so (as what wil not slaues doo for feare). Therwith made I no moreadoo, but shot him ful into the throat with my pistol: no more spake heafter, so did I shoote him that hee might neuer speak after, or repenthim. 

His body being dead lookd as blacke as a toad: the diuell presentlybranded it for his owne. This is the fault that hath called me hether. No true _Italian_ but will honor me for it Reuenge is the glory ofArmes, and the highest performance of valure: reuenge is whatsoeuer weecall law or iustice. The farther we wade in reuenge, the nerer come weto the throne of the Almightie. To his scepter it is properly ascribed, his scepter he lends vnto man, when he lets one man scourge another. All true _Italians_ imitate mee, in reuenging constantly, and dyingvaliantly. Hangman to thy taske, for I am readie for the vtmost ofthy rigor. Herewith all the people (outragiously incensed) withone conioyned outcrye yelled mainely, Away with him, away with him, Executioner torture him, teare him, or we will teare thee in peeces ifthou spare him. 

The executioner needed no exhortation herevnto, for of his owne naturewas he hackster good enough: olde excellent hee was at a bone-ache. Atthe first chop with his wood-knife would he fish for a mans heart, andfetch it out as easily as a plum from the bottome of a porredge pot. Heewould cracke neckes as fast as a cooke crackes egges: a fidler cannotturne his pin so soone, as he would turn a man of the ladder. Brauelydid hee drum on this _Cutwolfes_ bones, not breaking them outright, butlike a sadler knocking in of tackes, iarring on them quaueringly withhis hammer a great while together. No ioynt about him but with a hatchethe had for the nonce, he disioynted halfe, and then with boyling leadsouldred vp the wounds from bleeding. His tongue he puld out, least heshould blaspheme in his torment: venomous stinging wormes hee thrustinto his eares, to keep his head rauingly occupied: with cankersscruzed to peeces hee rubd his mouth and his gums. No lim of his butwas lingringly splinterd in shiuers. In this horror left they him on thewheele as in hel: where yet liuing, hee might behold his flesh legaciedamongst the foules of the aire. Unsearchable is the booke of ourdestenies. One murder begetteth another: was neuer yet bloud-shedbarrain from the beginning of the world to this day. Mortifiedlyabiected and danted was I with this truculent tragedie of _Cutwolfe_ and_Esdras_. To such straight life did it thence forward incite me, thatere I went out of _Bolognia_ I married my curtizane, performed manieaimes deedes; and hasted so fast out of the _Sodom_ of _Italy_, thatwithin fortie daies I arriued at the King of _Englands_ Campe twixt_Ardes_ and _Guines_ in _France_: where he with great triumphes met andentertained the Emperour and the French King, and feasted manie dayes. And so as my Storie began with the King at _Turnay_ and _Turwin_, Ithinke meete heere to end it with the King at _Ardes & Guines_. All theconclusiue Epilogue I will make is this; that if herein I haue pleasedany, it shall animate me to more paynes in this kinde. Otherwise I willsweare vpon an English Chronicle, neuer to bee outlandish Chroniclermore while I liue. Farewell as manie as wish me well. _Iune_ 27. 1593. 

Finis. 

Chiswick Press:--Charles Whittingham And Co. , Tooks Court, ChanceryLane.