[Illustration: LEAVING MRS. CHAMPNEY SEATED ALONE AND HELPLESS INTHE MIDST OF THE CONFUSION, SMILK MARCHED MR. YOLLOP TO HIS BEDROOM]

YOLLOP

BY

GEORGE BARR McCUTCHEON

FRONTISPIECE BY

EDWARD C. CASWELL

NEW YORK

1922

YOLLOP

CHAPTER ONE

In the first place, Mr. Yollop knew nothing about firearms. And so, after he had overpowered the burglar and relieved him of a fullyloaded thirty-eight, he was singularly unimpressed by the followingtribute from the bewildered and somewhat exasperated captive:

"Say, ain't you got any more sense than to tackle a man with a gun, you chuckle-headed idiot?" (Only he did not say "chuckle-headed, "and he inserted several expletives between "say" and "ain't. ")

The dazed intruder was hunched limply, in a sitting posture, overagainst the wall, one hand clamped tightly to his jaw, the otherbeing elevated in obedience to a command that had to be thricerepeated before it found lodgment in his whirling brain. Mr. Yollop, who seemed to be satisfied with the holding up of but one hand, cupped his own hand at the back of one ear, and demandedquerulously:

"What say!"

"Are you hard o' hearin'?"

"Hey?"

"Well for the--say, are you deef?"

"Don't say deef. Say deaf, --as if it were spelled d-e-double f. Yes, --I am a little hard of hearing. "

"Now, how the hell did you hear--I say, HOW DID YOU HEAR ME IN THEROOM, if it's a fair question?"

"If you've got anything in your mouth, spit it out. I can't make outhalf what you say. Sounds like 'ollo--ollo--ollo'!"

The thief opened his mouth and with his tongue instituted a visiblesearch for the obstruction that appeared to annoy Mr. Yollop. 

"They're all here except the one I had pulled last year, " heannounced vastly relieved. A sharp spasm of pain in his jaw causedhim to abruptly take advantage of a recent discovery; and while hewas careful to couch his opinions in an undertone, he told Mr. Yollop what he thought of him in terms that would have put thehardiest pirate to blush. Something in Mr. Yollop's eye, however, and the fidgety way in which he was fingering the trigger of thepistol, moved him to interrupt a particularly satisfying paean ofblasphemy by breaking off short in the very middle of it to wonderwhy in God's name he hadn't had sense enough to remember that alldeaf people are lip-readers. 

"Spit it out!" repeated Mr. Yollop, with energy. "Don't talk withyour mouth full. I can't understand a word you say. "

This was reassuring but not convincing. There was still the ominousglitter in the speaker's eye to be reckoned with. The man on thefloor took the precaution to explain: "I hope "you didn't hear whatI was callin' myself. " He spoke loudly and very distinctly. 

"That's better, " said Mr. Yollop, his face brightening. "I was'afraid my hearing had got worse without my knowing it. All you haveto do is to enunciate distinctly and speak slowly like that, --as ifyou were isolating the words, --so to speak, --and I can make outeverything you say. What were you calling yourself?"

"Oh, just a lot of names. I'd sooner not repeat 'em if there's anywomen in the house. "

"Well, bless my soul, that's uncommonly thoughtful of you. My sisterand her young daughter are here to spend the holidays with me. Theysleep at the back of the apartment. Now, if you will just remain asyou are, --I dare say you'd better put up the other hand, too, if youcan spare it, --I will back up to the table here and get my listeningapparatus. Now you won't have to shout so. I don't know much aboutrevolvers, but I assume that all one has to do to make it go off isto press rather firmly on this little contrivance--"

"Yes! But DON'T!"

"Not so loud! Not so loud! I'm not as deaf as all that. And don'tmove! I give you fair warning. Watch me closely. If you see me shutmy eyes, you will know I'm going to shoot. Remember that, will you?The instant you detect the slightest indication that my eyes areabout to close, --dodge!"

"By thunder, --I--I wonder if you're as much of a blame fool as youseem to be, --or are you just playing horse with me, " muttered thevictim, as he raised his other hand. "I'd give ten years of my lifeto know, --"

"I won't be a second, " announced Mr. Yollop, backing gingerly towardthe table. With his free hand he felt for and found the ratherelaborate contraption that furnished him with the means tocounteract his auricular deficiencies. The hand holding the revolverwobbled a bit; nevertheless, the little black hole at which thedazed robber stared as if fascinated was amazingly steadfast in itsregard for the second or perhaps the third button of his coat. "It'sa rather complicated arrangement, " he went on to explain, "but verysimple once you get it adjusted to the ear. It took me some time toget used to wearing this steel band over the top of my head. I neverhave tried to put it on with one hand before. Amazing how awkwardone can be with his left hand, isn't it? Now, you see how it goes. This little receiver business clamps right down to the ear, --so. Then this disc hangs over my chest--and you talk right at it. Forawhile I made a practice of concealing it under my vest, beingsomewhat sensitive about having strangers see that I am deaf, butone day my niece, a very bright child often, asked me why I did it. I told her it was because I didn't want people to know I was deaf. Have you ever felt so foolish that you wanted to kick yourself allover town? Well, then you know how I felt when that blessed infantpointed to this thing on my ear and--What say?"

"I say, that's the way I've been feeling ever since I came to, "repeated the disgusted burglar. 

"Of course, I realize that it's a physical, you might well say, ascientific impossibilty, for one to kick himself all over town, butjust the same, I believe you are as nearly in the mood to accomplishit as any man alive to-day. "

"You bet I could, " snapped the thief, with great earnestness. "WhenI think how I let a skinny, half-witted boob like you walk rightinto a clinch with me, and me holdin' a gun, and weighin' fortypounds more than you do, I--Can you hear what I'm saying?"

"Perfectly. It's a wonderful invention, " said Mr. Yollop, who hadapproached to within four or five feet of the speaker and wasbending over to afford him every facility for planting his wordssquarely upon the disc. "Speak in the same tone of voice that youwould employ if I were about thirty feet away and perfectly sound ofhearing. Just imagine, if you can, that I am out in the hall, withthe door open, and you are carrying on a conversation with me atthat--"

"I've said all I want to say, " growled the other sullenly. 

"What is your name?"

"None of your damn business. "

Mr. Yollop was silent for a moment. Then he inquired steadily:

"Have you any recollection of receiving a blow on the jaw, andsubsequently lying on the flat of your back with my knees jouncingup and down on your stomach while your bump of amativeness was beingroughly and somewhat regularly pounded against the wall in responseto a certain nervous and uncontrollable movement of my hands whichhappened to be squeezing your windpipe so tightly that yourtongue hung out and--"

"You bet I remember it!" ruefully. 

"Well, then, " said Mr. Yollop, "what is your name?"

"Jones. "

"What?"

"I thought you said you could hear with that thing!"

"I heard you say Jones quite distinctly, but why can't you answer myquestion? It was civil enough, wasn't it?"

"Well, " said the crook, still decidedly uncertain as to theexpression in Mr. Yollop's eye, "if you insist on a civil answer, it's Smilk. "

"Smith?"

"No, NOT Smith, " hastily and earnestly; "Smilk, --S-m-i-l-k. "

"Smilk?"

"Smilk. "

"Extraordinary name. I've never heard it before, have you?"

The rascal blinked. "Sure. It was my father's name before me, andmy--"

"Look me in the eye!"

"I am lookin' you in the eye. It's Smilk, --Cassius Smilk. "

"Sounds convincing, " admitted Mr. Yollop. "Nobody would take thename of Cassius in vain, I am sure. As a sensible, discriminatingthief, you would not deliberately steal a name like Cassius, nowwould you?"

"Well, you see, they call me Cash for short, " explained Smilk. "That's something I can steal with a clear conscience. "

"I perceive you are recovering your wits, Mr. Smilk. You appear tobe a most ingenuous rogue. Have you ever tried writing the book fora musical comedy?"

"A--what?"

"A musical comedy. A forty-legged thing you see on Broadway. "

Mr. Smilk pondered. "No, sir, " he replied, allowing himself aprideful leer; "if I do say it as shouldn't, I'm an honest thief. "

"Bless my soul, " cried Mr. Yollop delightedly; "you get brighterevery minute. Perhaps you have at one time or another conducted ahumorous column for a Metropolitan newspaper?"

"Well, I've done my share towards fillin' up the 'lost' column, "said Mr. Smilk modestly. "Say, if we're going to keep up thistalkfest much longer, I got to let my hands down. The blood'srunnin' out of 'em. What are you goin' to do with me? Keep mesittin' here till morning?"

"I'm glad you reminded me of it. I want to call the police. "

"Well, I'm not hindering you, am I?"

"In a way, yes. How can I call them and keep an eye on you at thesame time?"

"I'll tell what I'll do, " said Cassius Smilk obligingly. "I'll takea message 'round to the police station for you. "

"Ah! That gives me an idea. You shall telephone to the police forme. If my memory serves me well, Spring 3100 is the number. Or is itSpring 3100 that calls out the fire department? It would be veryawkward to call out the fire department, wouldn't it? They'dprobably come rushing around here and drown both of us before theyfound out wer'd made a mistake and really wanted the police. "

"All you have to do is to say to Central: 'I want a policeman. '"

"Right you are. That's what the telephone book says. Still I believeSpring 3100--"

"The simplest way to get the police, " broke in the burglar, notwithout hope, "is to fire five shots out of a window as rapidly aspossible. They always come for that. "

"I see what you are after. You want them to come here and arrest mefor violating the Sullivan Law. Don't you know it's against the lawin New York to have a revolver on your premises or person? Andwhat's more, you would testify against me, confound you. Alsoprobably have me up for assault and battery. No, Mr. Smilk, yoursuggestion is not a good one. We will stick to the telephone. Now, if you will be kind enough to fold your arms tightly across yourbreast, --that's the idea, --and arise slowly to your feet, I willinstruct you--Yes, I know it is harder to get up without the aid ofthe hands than it was to go down, but I think you can manage it. Tryagain, if you please. " Then, as Mr. Smilk sank sullenly back againstthe wall, apparently resolved not to budge: "I'm going to countthree, Cassius. If you are not on your feet at the end of the count, I shall be obliged to do the telephoning myself. "

"That suits me, " said Cassius grimly. 

"Do you object to the smell of powder?"

"Huh?"

"I don't like it myself, but I should, of course, open the windowsimmediately and air the room out--"

"I'll get up, " said Cassius, and did so, clumsily but promptly. "Say, I--I believe you WOULD shoot. You're just the kind of boobthat would do a thing like that. "

"I dare say I should miss you if I were to fire all fivebullets, --but that's neither here nor there. You're on your feet, so--by the way, are you sure this thing is loaded?"

"It wouldn't make any difference if it wasn't. It would go off justthe same. They always do when some darn fool idiot is pointin' themat people. "

"Don't be crotchetty, Cassius, " reproached Mr. Yollop. "Now, if youwill just sidle around to the left you will come in due time to thetelephone over there on that desk. I shall not be far behind you. Sit down. Now unfold your arms and lean both elbows on the desk. That's the idea. You might keep your right hand exposed, --sort ofperpendicular from the elbow up. Take the receiver off the hookand--"

"Oh, I know how to use a telephone all right. "

"Now, the main thing is to get Central, " said Mr. Yollopimperturbably. "Sometimes it is very difficult to wake them aftertwo o'clock A. M. Just jiggle it if she doesn't respond at once. Seems that jiggling wakes them when nothing else will. "

Mr. Yollop, very tall and spare in his pajamas, stood behind theburly Mr. Smilk, the dangling disc almost touching the latter'shunched up shoulders. 

"This is a devil of a note, " quoth Mr. Smilk, taking down thereceiver. "Makin' a guy telephone to the police to come and arresthim. "

"I wish I had thought to close that window while you were hors decombat, " complained Mr. Yollop shivering. "I'll probably catch mydeath of cold standing around here with almost nothing on. That windcomes straight from the North Pole. Doesn't she answer?"

"No. "

"Jiggle it. "

"I did jiggle it. "

"What?"

"I said I jiggled it. "

"Well, jiggle it again. "

"Rottenest telephone service in the world, " growled Mr. Smilk. "Whenyou think what we have to pay for telephones these days, you'dthink--hello! Hell--lo!"

"Got her?"

"I thought I had for a second, but I guess it was somebody yawning. "

"Awning?"

"Say, if you'll hold that thing around so's I can talk at it, you'llhear what I'm saying. How do you expect me to--hello! Central?Central! Hello! Where the hell have you been all--hello! Well, canyou beat it? I had her and she got away. "

"No use trying to get her now, " said Mr. Yollop, resignedly. "Hangup for a few minutes. It makes 'em stubborn when you swear at 'em. Like mules. I've just thought of something else you can do for mewhile we're waiting for her to make up her mind to forgive you. Comealong over here and close this window you left open. "

Mr. Smilk in closing the window, looked searchingly up and down thefire escape, peered intently into the street below, sighedprofoundly and muttered something that Mr. Yollop did not hear. 

"I've got a fur coat hanging in that closet over there, Cassius. Wewill get it out. "

Carefully following Mr. Yollop's directions, the obliging rascalproduced the coat and laid it upon the table in the center of theroom. 

"Turn your back, " commanded the owner of the coat, "and hold up yourhands. " Then, after he had slipped into the coat: "Now if I only hadmy slippers--but never mind. We won't bother about 'em. They're inmy bed room, and probably lost under the bed. They always are, evenwhen I take 'em off out in the middle of the room. Ah! Nothing likea fur coat, Cassius. Do you know what cockles are?"

"No, I don't. "

"Well, never mind. Now, let's try Central again. Please rememberthat no matter how distant she is, she still expects you to lookupon her as a lady. No lady likes to be sworn at at two o'clock inthe morning. Speak gently to her. Call her Madamoiselle. That alwaysgets them. Makes 'em think if they keep their ears open they'll hearsomething spicy. "

"They general fall for dearie, " said Mr. Smilk, taking down thereceiver. 

"Be good enough to remember that you are calling from my apartment, "said Mr. Yollop severely. "Jiggle it. "

Mr. Smilk jiggled it. "I guess she's still mad. "

"Jiggle it slowly, tenderly, caressingly. Sort of seductively. Don'tbe so savage about it. "

"Hello! Central? What number do I have to call to get Spring 3100?... I'm not trying to be fresh: ... Yes, that's what I want ... Iknow the book says to tell you 'I want to call a policeman' but--... Yes, there's a burglar in my apartment and I want you to--What'sthat? ... I don't want to go to bed. ... Say, now YOU'RE gettin'fresh. You give me police--"

"Tell her I've got you surrounded, " whispered Mr. Yollop. 

"Hello! Hell--lo! Central!"

"Jiggle it. "

"Ah, Mademoiselle! Pardon my--"

Voice at the other end of the wire: "Ring off! You've got wrongnumber. This is police headquarters. " Audible sound of distantreceiver being slapped upon its hook. 

"Gee whiz! Now, we're up against it, Mister. We'll be all nightgettin' Central again. "

"Be patient, Cassius. Start all over again. Ask for the morgue thistime. That will make her realize the grave danger you are in. "

"Say, I wish you'd put that gun in your pocket. It makes the gooseflesh creep out all over me. I'm not going to try to get away. Giveyou my word of honor I ain't. You seem to have some sort of ideathat I don't want to be arrested. "

"I confess I had some such idea, Cassius. "

"Well, I don't mind it a bit. Fact is, I've been doin' my best toget nabbed for the last three months. "

"You have?"

"Sure. The trouble is with the police. They somehow seem to overlookme, no matter how open I am about it. I suppose I've committedtwenty burglaries in the past three months and I'll be cussed if Ican make 'em understand. Take to-night, for instance. I clumb upthat fire escape, --this is the third floor, ain't it?--I clumb uphere with a big electric street light shinin' square on my back, --why, darn the luck, I had to turn my back on it 'cause the lighthurt my eyes, --and there were two cops standin' right down belowhere talkin' about the crime wave bein' all bunk, both of 'emarguin' that the best proof that there ain't no crime wave is thefact that the jails are only half full, showin' that the city isgettin' more and more honest all the time. I could hear 'em plain asanything. They were talkin' loud, so as to make everybody in thisbuildin' rest easy, I guess. I stopped at the second floor andmonkeyed with the window, hopin' to attract their attention. Didn'twork. So I had to climb up another flight. This window of yours wasup about six inches, so there wasn't anything for me to do but toraise it and come in. What I had in mind was to stick my head outafter a minute or two and yell 'thieves', 'police', and so on. Thenbefore I knowed what was happenin', you walks in, switches on thelight, and comes straight over and biffs me in the jaw. Does thatlook as if I was tryin' to avoid arrest?"

"That's a very pretty story, Cassius, and no doubt will make atremendous hit with the jury, but what were you doing with a loadedrevolver in your hand, and why were you so full of vituperation, --Imean, what made you swear so when I--"

"You let somebody hit you a wallop on the jaw and bang your headagainst the wall and dance on your ribs, and you'll cuss worse thanI did. "

"But, --about the revolver?"

"Well, to be honest with you, I probably would have shot you if Ihadn't been so low in my mind. I won't deny that. It's a sort ofprinciple with us, you see. No self-respecting burglar wants to becaptured by the party he's tryin' to rob. Its so damn' mortifyin'. Besides, if that sort of thing happens to you, the police lose allkinds of respect for you and try to use you as a stool-pigeon, ifyou know what that means. "

"This is most interesting, I must say. I should like to hear moreabout it, Mr. Smilk. I dare say we can have quite a long andedifying chat while we are waiting for the police to respond to ourcall for help. In the meantime, you might see if you can get themnow. Spring, three one hundred. "

"As I was sayin' awhile ago, would you mind puttin' that gun in yourpocket?"

"While you've been chinning, Cassius, I have been making a mostthrilling and amazing experiment. Do you call this thing underhere a trigger?"

"Yes. Don't monkey with it, you--you--"

"I've been pressing it, --very gently and cautiously, of course, --tosee just how near I can come to making it go off without actually--"

"For God's sake! Cut that--Hey, Central! Give me police headquartersagain. ... Lively, please. ... Yes, it's life or death. ... Come on, Mademoiselle, --please!"

"That's the way, " complimented Mr. Yollop. 

"By gosh, nobody ever wanted the police more than I do at thisminute, " gulped Mr. Smilk. He was perspiring freely. "Hello! Policeheadquarters? ... Hustle someone to--to--(over his shoulder to Mr. Yollop, in a whisper, )--quick! What's the number of this, --"

"418 Sagamore Terrace. "

Into the transmitter: "To 418 Sagamore Terrace, third floor front. Burglar. Hurry up!"

Telephone: "What's yer name?"

Smilk, to Yollop: "What is my name?"

Mr. Yollop: "Crittenden Yollop. "

Smilk, to telephone: "Crittelyum Yop. "

Telephone, languidly: "Spell it. "

Smilk: "Aw, go to--"

Mr. Yollop: "After me now, --Y-o-l-l-o-p. "

Telephone: "First name. "

Smilk, prompted. "C-r-i-t-t-e-n-d-e-n. "

Telephone, after interval: "What floor?"

Smilk: "Third. "

Telephone: "Are you sure it's a burglar, or is it just a noisesomewhere?"

Smilk: "It's a burglar. He's got me covered. "

Telephone: "What's that?"

Smilk: "I say, I've got him covered. Hurry up or he'll blow my headoff--"

Telephone: "Say, what IS this? Get back to bed, you. You're drunk. "

Smilk: "I'm as sober as you are. Can't you get me straight? I tellyou I beat his head off. He's down and out, --but---"

Telephone: "All right. We'll have someone there in a few minutes. Did you say Yullup?"

Smilk: "No. I said hurry up. "

CHAPTER TWO

"The thing that's troubling me now, " said Mr. Yollop, as Smilk hungup the receiver and twisted his head slightly to peek out of thecorner of his eye, "is how to get hold of my slippers. You've noidea how cold this floor is. "

"If it's half as cold as the sweat I'm---"

"We're likely to have a long wait, " went on the other, frowning. "Itwill probably take the police a couple of hours to find thisbuilding, with absolutely no clue except the number and the name ofthe street. "

"I'll tell you what you might do, Mr. Scollop, seein' as you won'ttrust me to go in and find your slippers for you. Why don't you siton your feet? Take that big arm chair over there and--"

"Splendid! By jove, Cassius, you are an uncommonly clever chap. I'lldo it. And then, when the police arrive, we'll have something forthem to do. We'll let them see if they can find my slippers. Thatought to be really quite interesting. "

"There's something about you, " said Mr. Smilk, not without a touchof admiration in his voice, "that I simply can't help liking. "

"That's what the wolf said to Little Red Riding-Hood, if I remembercorrectly. However, I thank you, Cassius. In spite of the thump Igave you and the disgusting way in which I treated you, a visitor inmy own house, you express a liking for me. It is most gratifying. Still, for the time being, I believe we can be much better friendsif I keep this pistol pointed at you. Now we 'll do a littlemaneuvering. You may remain seated where you are. However, I mustask you to pull out the two lower drawers in the desk, --one oneither side of where your knees go. You will find them quite emptyand fairly commodious. Now, put your right foot in the drawer onthis side and your left foot in the other one--yes, I know it'squite a stretch, but I dare say you can manage it. Sort of recallsthe old days when evil-doers were put in the stocks, doesn't it?They seem to be quite a snug fit, don't they? If it is as difficultfor you to extricate your feet from those drawers as it was toinsert them, I fancy I'm pretty safe from a sudden and impulsivedash in my direction. Rather bright idea of mine, eh?"

"I'm beginnin' to change my opinion of you, " announced Mr. Smilk. 

Mr. Yollop pushed a big unholstered library chair up to the oppositeside of the desk and, after several awkward attempts, succeeded insitting down, tailor fashion, with his feet neatly tucked awaybeneath him. 

"I wasn't quite sure I could do it, " said he, rather proudly. "Isuppose my feet will go to sleep in a very short time, but I amassuming, Cassius, that you are too much of a gentleman to attack aman whose feet are asleep. "

"I wouldn't even attack you if they were snoring, " said Cassius, grinning in spite of himself. "Say, this certainly beats anythingI've ever come up against. If one of my pals was to happen to lookin here right now and see me with my feet in these drawers and yousquattin' on yours, --well, I can't help laughin' myself, and Godknows I hate to. "

"You were saying a little while ago, " said Mr. Yollop, shifting hisposition slightly, "that you rather fancy the idea of beingarrested. Isn't that a little quixotic, Mr. Smilk?"

"Huh?"

"I mean to say, do you expect me to believe you when you say yourelish being arrested?"

"I don't care a whoop whether you believe it or not. It's true. "

"Have you no fear of the law?"

"Bless your heart, sir, I don't know how I'd keep body and soultogether if it wasn't for the law. If people would only let the lawalone, I'd be one of the happiest guys on earth. But, damn 'em, theywon't let it alone. First, they put their heads together and frameup this blasted parole game on us. Just about the time we begin tothink we're comfortably settled up the river, 'long cmes somedoggone home-wrecker and gets us out on parole. Then we got to go towork and begin all over again. Sometimes, the way things arenowadays, it takes months to get back into the pen again. We got tolive, ain't we? We got to eat, ain't we? Well, there you are. Whycan't they leave us alone instead of drivin' us out into a cold, unfeelin' world where we got to either steal or starve to death?There wouldn't be one tenth as much stealin' and murderin' as thereis if they didn't force us into it. Why, doggone it, I've seen someof the most cruel and pitiful sights you ever heard of up there atSing Sing. Fellers leadin' a perfectly honest life suddenly chuckedout into a world full of vice and iniquity and forced--absolutelyforced, --into a life of crime. There they were, livin' a quiet, peaceful life, harmin' nobody, and bing! they wake up some mornin'and find themselves homeless. Do you realize what that means, Mr. Strumpet? It means--"

"Yollop, if you please. "

"It means they got to go out and slug some innocent citizen, somepoor guy that had nothing whatever to do with drivin' them out, andthen if they happen to be caught they got to go through with all theuncertainty of a trial by jury, never knowin' but what somepin-headed juror will stick out for acquittal and make it necessaryto go through with it all over again. And more than that, they gotto listen to the testimony of a lot of policemen, and their ownderned fool lawyers, tryin' to deprive them of their bread andbutter, and the judge's instructions that nobody pays any attentionto except the shorthand reporter, --and them just settin' there sortof helpless and not even able to say a word in their own behalfbecause the law says they're innocent till they're proved guilty, --why, I tell you, Mr. Dewlap, it's heart-breakin'. And all becausesome weak-minded smart aleck gets them paroled. As I was sayin', thelaw's all right if it wasn't for the people that abuse it. "

"This is most interesting, " said Mr. Yollop. "I've never quiteunderstood why ninety per cent of the paroled convicts go back tothe penitentiary so soon after they've been liberated. "

"Of course, " explained Mr. Smilk, "there are a few that don't getback. That's because, in their anxiety to make good, they get killedby some inexperienced policeman who catches 'em comin' out ofsomebody's window or--"

"By the way, Cassius, let me interrupt you. Will you have a cigar?Nice, pleasant way to pass an hour or two--beg pardon?"

"I was only sayin', if you don't mind I'll take one of thesecigarettes. Cigars are a little too heavy for me. "

"I have some very light grade domestic--"

"I don't mean in quality. I mean in weight. What's the sense ofwastin' a lot of strength holding a cigar in your mouth when itrequires no effort at all to smoke a cigarette? Why, I got it allfigured out scientifically. With the same amount of energy youexpend in smokin' one cigar you could smoke between thirty and fortycigarettes, and being sort of gradual, you wouldn't begin to feelhalf as fatigued as if you--"

"Did I understand you to say 'scientifically', or was itsatirically?"

"I'm tryin' to use common, every-day words, Mr. Shallop, " said Mr. Smilk, with dignity, "and I wish you'd do the same. "

"Ahem! Well, light up, Cassius. I think I'll smoke a cigar. When youget through with the matches, push 'em over this way, will you? Helpyourself to those chocolate creams. There's a pound box of them atyour elbow, Oassius. I eat a great many. They're supposed to befattening. Help yourself. " After lighting his cigar Mr. Yollopinquired: "By the way, since you speak so feelingly I gather thatyou are a paroled convict. "

"That's what I am. And the worst of it is, it ain't my firstoffense. I mean it ain't the first time I've been paroled. To beginwith, when I was somewhat younger than I am now, I was twice turnedloose by judges on what they call 'suspended sentences. ' Then I wassent up for two years for stealin' something or other, --I forgotjust what it was. I served my time and a little later on went upagain for three years for holdin' up a man over in Brooklyn. Well, Igot paroled out inside of two years, and for nearly six months I hadto report to the police ever' so often. Every time I reported I hadmy pockets full of loot I'd snitched durin' the month, stuff thebulls were lookin' for in every pawn-shop in town, but to save mysoul I couldn't somehow manage to get myself caught with the goodson me. Say, I'd give two years off of my next sentence if I couldcross my legs for five or ten minutes. This is gettin' worse andworse all the--"

"You might try putting your left foot in the right hand drawer andyour right foot in the other one, " suggested Mr. Yollop. 

Mr. Smilk stared. "I've seen a lot of kidders in my time, but youcertainly got 'em all skinned to death, " said he. 

Mr. Yollop puffed reflectively for awhile, pondering the situation. "Well, suppose you remove one foot at a time, Cassius. As soon it isfairly well rested, put it back again and then take the other oneout for a spell, --and so on. Half a loaf is better than no loaf atall. "

Smilk withdrew his left foot from its drawer and sighed gratefully. 

"As I was sayin', " he resumed, "if we could only put some kind of acurb on these here tender-hearted boobs--and boobesses--the worldwould be a much better place to live in. The way it is now, ninetenths of the fellers up in Sing Sing never know when they'll haveto pack up and leave, and it's a constant strain on the nerves, Itell you. There seems to be a well-organized movement to interferewith the personal liberty of criminals, Mr. Poppup. These heresentimental reformers take it upon themselves to say whether afeller shall stay in prison or not. First, they come up there andpick out some poor helpless feller and say 'it's a crime to keep agood-lookin', intelligent boy like you in prison, so we're going toget you out on parole and make an honest, upright citizen of you. We're going to get you a nice job', --and so on and so forth. Well, before he knows it, he's out and has to put up a bluff of workin'for a livin'. Course, he just has to go to stealin' again. It makeshim sore when he thinks of the good, honest life he was leadin' upthere in the pen, with nothin' to worry about, satisfactory hours, plenty to eat, and practically divorced from his wife without havin'to go through the mill. If my calculations are correct, more thanfifty per cent of the crime that's bein' committed these days is thework of paroled convicts who depended on the law to protect andsupport them for a given period of time. And does the law protectthem? It does not. It allows a lot of pinheads to interfere with it, and what's the answer? A lot of poor devils are forced to go out andrisk their lives tryin' to--"

"Just a moment, please, " interrupted Mr. Yollop. "You are talking atrifle too fast, Cassius. Moderate your speed a little. Before we goany further, I would like to be set straight on one point. Do youmean to tell me that you actually prefer being in prison?"

"Well, now, that's a difficult question to answer, " mused Mr. Smilk. "Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. It's sort of like beingmarried, I suppose. Sometimes you're glad you're married andsometimes you wish to God you wasn't. Course, I've only been marriedthree or four times, and I've been in the pen six times, one placeor another, so I guess I'm not what you'd call an unbiased witness. I seem to have a leanin' toward jail, --about three to one in favorof jail, you might say, with the odds likely to be increased prettyshortly if all goes well. Do you mind if I change drawers?"

"Eh! Oh, I see. Go ahead. "

Mr. Smilk put his right foot back into its drawer and withdrew theleft. 

"Gets you right across this tendon on the back of your ankle, " hesaid. "Now, you take the daily life of the average laboring man, " hewent on earnestly. "What does he get out of it? Nothin' butexpenses. The only thing that don't cost him something is work. Andall the time he's at work his expenses are goin' on just the same, pilin' up durin' his absence from home. Rent, food, fuel, light, doctor, liquor, clothes, shoes, --everything pilin' up on him whilehe's workin' for absolutely nothin' between pay days. The only timehe gets anything for his work is on pay day. The rest of the timehe's workin' for nothin', week in and week out. Say he worksforty-four hours a week. When does he get his pay? While he'sworkin'? Not much. He has to work over time anywhere from fifteenminutes to half an hour--on his own time, mind you--standin' in lineto get his pay envelope. And then when he gets it, what does he haveto do? He has to go home and wonder how the hell he's goin' to getthrough the next week with nothin' but carfare to go on after hiswife has told him to come across. Now you take a convict. He hasn'tan expense in the world. Free grub, free bed, free doctor, freeclothes, --he could have free liquor if the keepers would let hisfriends bring it in, --and his hours ain't any longer than any unionman's hours. He don't have to pay dues to any labor union, he don'thave to worry about strikes or strike benefits, he don't give awhoop what Gompers or anybody else says about Gary, and he don'tcare a darn whether the working man gets his beer or whether therevenue officers get it. He--"

"Wait a second, please. Just as a matter of curiosity, Cassius, I'dlike to know what your views are on prohibition. "

"Are you thinkin' of askin' me if I'll have something to drink?"inquired Mr. Smilk craftily. 

"What has that to do with it?"

"A lot, " said Mr. Smilk, with decision. 

"Do you approve of prohibition?"

"I do, " said the rogue. "In moderation. "

"Well, as soon as the police arrive I'll open a bottle of Scotch. Inthe meantime go ahead with your very illuminating dissertation. I ambeginning to understand why crime is so attractive, so alluring. Iam almost able to see why you fellows like to go to thepenitentiary. "

"If you could only get shut up for a couple of years, Mr. Wollop, you'd appreciate just what has been done in the last few years tomake us fellers like it. You wouldn't believe how much the reformershave done to induce us to come back as soon as possible. They giveus all kinds of entertainment, free of charge. Three times a week wehave some sort of a show, generally a band concert, a movin' pictureshow and a vaudeville show. Then, once a month they bring up somecrackin' good show right out of a Broadway theater to make us forgetthat it's Sunday and we'll have to go to work the next morning. Scenery and costumes and everything and--and--" Here Mr. Smilkshowed signs of blubbering, a weakness that suddenly gave way to themost energetic indignation. "Why, doggone it, every time I think ofwhat that woman done to me, I could bite a nail in two. If it hadn'tbeen for--"

"Woman? What woman?"

"The woman that got me paroled out. She got I don't know how manypeople to sign a petition, sayin' I was a fine feller and all thatkind o' bunk, and all I needed was a chance to show the world howhonest I am and--why, of course, I was honest. How could I helpbein' honest up there? What's eatin' the darn fools? The only thingyou can steal up there is a nap, and you got to be mighty slick ifyou want to do that, they watch you so close. But do you know what'sgoing on in this country right now, Mr. Popple? There's a regularorganized band of law-breakers operating from one end of the nationto the other. We're tryin' to bust it up, but it's a tough job. Thebest way to reform a reformer is to rob him. The minute he finds outhe's been robbed he turns over a new leaf and begins to beller likea bull about how rotten the police are. Ninety nine times out of ahundred he quits his cussed interferin' with the law and becomes adecent, law-observin' citizen. Our scheme is to get busy as soon aswe've been turned loose and while our so-called benefactors arestill rejoicin' over havin' snatched a brand from the burnin', we upand show 'em the error of their ways. First offenders get off fairlyeasy. We simply sneak in and take their silver and some loosejewelry. The more hardened they are, the worse we treat 'em. Eingleaders some times get beat up so badly it's impossible to identify'em at the morgue. But in time we'll smash the gang, and then if afeller goes up for ten, twenty or even thirty years he'll knowthere's no underhanded work goin' on and he can settle down to anhonest life. The only way to stop crime in this country, Mr. Yollop, is to--"

"Thank you. "

"--is to make EVERYBODY respect the law. And with conditions sopleasant and so happy in the prison I want to tell you there'snobody in the country that respects and admires the law more than wedo, --'specially us fellers that remember what the penitentiariesused to be like a few years ago when conditions were so tough thatmost of us managed to earn an honest livin' outside sooner than runthe risk of gettin' sent up. " He sighed deeply. Then with a trace ofreal solicitude in his manner: "Are your feet warm yet?"

"Warm as toast. Your discourse, Cassius, has moved me deeply. Perhaps it would comfort you to call up police headquarters againand tell 'em to hurry along?"

"Wouldn't be a bad idea, " said Mr. Smilk. He took down the receiver. Presently: "Police headquarters? ... How about sending over to 418Sagamore for that burglar I was speakin' to you about recently? ... Sure, he's here yet. ... The same name I gave you earlier in theevening. ... Spell it yourself. You got it written down on a padright there in front of you, haven't you? ... Say, if you don't getsomebody around here pretty quick, I'm goin' to call up two or threeof the newspaper offices and have 'em send--... All right. See thatyou do. " Turning to Mr. Yollop, he said: "The police are a prettydecent lot when you get to know 'em, Mr. Yollop. They do their sharetowards enforcin' the law. They do their best to get us the limit. The trouble is, they got to fight tooth and nail against almosteverybody that ain't on the police force. Specially jurymen. Thereain't a juryman in New York City that wants to believe a policemanon oath. He'd sooner believe a crook, any day. And sometimes thejudges are worse than the juries. A pal of mine, bein' inconsiderable of a hurry to get back home one very cold winter, figured that if he went up and plead guilty before a judge he'd savea lot of time. Well, sir, the doggone judge looked him over for aminute or two, and suddenly, out of a clear sky, asked him if he hada family, --and when he acknowledged, being an honest though ignorantguy, that he had a wife and three children, the judge said, if he'dpromise to go out and earn a livin' for them he'd let him off with asuspended sentence, and before he had a chance to say he'd be damnedif he'd make any such fool promise, the bailiff hustled him out therunway and told him to 'beat it'. He had to go out and slug a poorold widow woman and rob her of all the money she'd saved since herhusband died--say, that reminds me. I got a favor I'd like to askof you, Mr. Yollop. "

"I'm inclined to grant almost any favor you may ask, " said Mr. Yollop, sympathetically. "I know how miserable you must feel, Cassius, and how hard life is for you. Do you want me to shoot you?"

"No, I don't, " exclaimed Mr. Smilk hastily. "I want you to take myroll of bills and hide it before the police come. That ain't much toask, is it?"

"Bless my soul! How extraordinary!"

"There's something over six hundred dollars in the roll, " went onCassius confidentially. "It ain't that I'm afraid the cops will grabit for themselves, understand. But, you see, it's like this. Thefirst thing the judge asks you when you are arraigned is whether yougot the means to employ a lawyer. If you ain't, he appoints some oneand it don't cost you a cent. Now, if I go down to the Tombs withall this money, why, by gosh, it will cost me just that much to getsent to Sing Sing, 'cause whatever you've got in the shape of realmoney is exactly what your lawyer's fee will be, and it don't seemsensible to spend all that money to get sent up when you can obtainthe same result for nothin'. Ain't that so?"

"It sounds reasonable, Cassius. You appear to be a thrifty as wellas an honest fellow. But, may I be permitted to ask what the devilyou are doing with six hundred dollars on your person while activelyengaged in the pursuit of your usual avocation? Why didn't you leaveit at home?"

"Home? My God, man, don't you know it ain't safe these days to havea lot of money around the house? With all these burglaries going on?Not on your life. Even if I had had all this dough when I left hometo-night, I wouldn't have taken any such chance as leavin' it there. The feller I'm roomin' with is figurin' on turning over a new leaf;he's thinkin' of gettin' married for five or six months and I don'tthink he could stand temptation. "

"Do you mean to say, you acquired your roll after leaving hometonight, eh?"

"To be perfectly honest with you, Mr. Moppup, I--"

"Yollop, please. "

"--Yollop, I found this money in front of a theater up town, --justafter the police nabbed a friend of mine who had frisked some guy ofhis roll and had to drop it in a hurry. "

"And you want me to keep it for you till you are free again, --isthat it?"

"Just as soon as the trial is over and I get my sentence, I'll senda pal of mine around to you with a note and you can turn it over tohim. All I'm after, is to keep some lawyer from gettin'--"

"What would you say, Cassius, if I were to tell you that I am alawyer?"

"I'd say you're a darned fool to confess when you don't have to, "replied Mr. Smilk succinctly. 

Mr. Yollop chuckled. "Well, I'm not a lawyer. Nevertheless, I mustdecline to act as a depository for your obviously ill-gotten gains. "

"Gee, that's tough, " lamented Mr. Smilk. "Wouldn't you just let medrop it behind something or other, --that book case over theresay, --and I'll promise to send for it some night when you're out, --"

"No use, Cassius, " broke in Mr. Yollop, firmly. "I'm deaf to yourentreaties. Permit me to paraphrase a very well-known line. 'None sodeaf as him who will not hear. '"

"If I speak very slowly and distinctly don't you think you couldhear me if I was to offer to split the wad even withyou, --fifty-fifty, --no questions asked?" inquired Cassius, ratherwistfully. 

"See here, " exclaimed Mr. Yollop, irritably; "you got me in thisposition and I want you to get me out of it. While I've beensquatting here listening to you, they've both gone to sleep and I'mhanged if I can move 'em. I never would have dreamed of sitting onthem if you hadn't put the idea into my head, confound you. "

"Let 'em hang down for a while, " suggested Mr. Smilk. "That'll wake'em up. "

"Easier said than done, " snapped the other. He managed, however, toget his benumbed feet to the floor and presently stood up on them. Mr. Smilk watched him with interest as he hobbled back and forth infront of the desk. "They'll be all right in a minute or two. ByJove, I wish my sister could have heard all you've been saying aboutprisons and paroles and police. I ought to have had sense enough tocall her. She's asleep at the other end of the hall. "

"I hate women, " growled Mr. Smilk. "Ever since that pie-faced damegot me chucked out of Sing Sing, --say, let me tell you somethingelse she done to me. She gave me an address somewhere up on the EastSide and told me to come and see her as soon as I got out. Well, Ihadn't been out a week when I went up to see her one night, --or, more strictly speakin', one morning about two o'clock. What do youthink? It was an empty house, with a 'for rent' sign on it. I foundout the next day she'd moved a couple of weeks before and had goneto some hotel for the winter because it was impossible to keep anyservants while this crime wave is goin' on. The janitor told meshe'd had three full sets of servants stole right out from under hernose by female bandits over on Park Avenue. I don't suppose I'llever have another chance to get even with her. Everything all set tobind and gag her, and maybe rap her over the bean a couple of timesand--say, can you beat it for rotten luck? She--she double-crossedme, that's what she--"

A light, hesitating rap on the library door interrupted Mr. Smilk'sbitter reflection. 

CHAPTER THREE

"Some one at the door, " the burglar announced, after a moment. Mr. Yollop had failed to hear the tapping. 

"You can't fool me, Cassius. It's an old trick but it won't work. I've seen it done on the stage too many times to be caught nappingby, --"

"There it goes again. Louder, please!" he called with considerablevehemence and was rewarded by a scarcely audible tapping indicativenot only of timidity but of alarm as well--"Say, " he bawled, "you'll have to cut out that spirit rapping if you want to come in. Use your night-stick!"

"Ah, the police at last, " cried Mr. Yollop. "You'd better take thisrevolver now, Mr. Smilk, " he added hastily. "I won't want 'em tocatch me with a weapon in my possession. It means a heavy fine orimprisonment. " He shoved the pistol across the desk. "They wouldn'tbelieve me if I said it was yours. "

A sharp, penetrating rat-a-tat on the door. Mr. Smilk picked up therevolver. 

"You bet they wouldn't, " said he. "If I swore on a stack of bibles Ilet a boob like you take it away from me, they'd send me toMatteawan, and God knows, --"

"Come in!" called out Mr. Yollop. 

The door opened and a plump, dumpy lady in a pink peignoir, herfront hair done up in curl-papers stood revealed on the thresholdblinking in the strong light. 

"Goodness gracious, Crittenden, " she cried irritably, "don't youknow what time of night it--"

She broke off abruptly as Mr. Smilk, with a great clatter, yankedhis remaining foot from the drawer and arose, overturning theswivel-chair in his haste. 

"Well, for the love of--" oozed from his gaping mouth. Suddenly heturned his face away and hunched one shoulder up as a sort ofshield. 

"It's long past three o'clock, " went on the newcomer severely. "I'msorry to interrupt a conference but I do think you might arrange foran appointment during the day, sir. My brother has not been well andif ever a man needed sleep and rest and regular hours, he does. Crittenden, I wish you--"

"Cassius, " interrupted Mr. Yollop urbanely, "this is my sister, Mrs. Champney. I want you to repeat--Turn around here, can't you? What'sthe matter with you?"

"Don't order me around like that, " muttered Mr. Smilk, still withhis face averted. "I've got the gun now and I'll do as I damn'please. You can't talk to me like--"

"Goodness! Who is this man?" cried the lady, stopping short toregard the blasphemer with shocked, disapproving eyes. "And what ishe doing with a revolver in his hand?"

"Give me that pistol, --at once, " commanded Mr. Yollop. "Hand itover!"

"Not on your life, " cried Mr. Smilk triumphantly. He faced Mrs. Champney. "Take off them rings, you. Put 'em here on the desk. Lively, now! And don't yelp! Do you get me? DON'T YELP!"

Mrs. Champney stared unblinkingly, speechless. 

"Put up your hands, Yollop!" ordered Mr. Smilk. 

"Why, --why, it's Ernest, --Ernest Wilson, " she gasped, incredulously. Then, with a little squeak of relief: "Don't pay any attention tohim, Crittenden. He is a friend of mine. Don't you remember me, Ernest? I am--"

"You bet your life I remember you, " said the burglar softly, almostpurringly. 

"Ernest your grandmother, " cried Mr. Yollop jerking the disk firstone way and then the other in order to catch the flitting duologue. "His name is Smilk, --Cassius Smilk. "

"Nothing of the sort, " said Mrs. Champney sharply. "It's ErnestWilson, --isn't it, Ernest?"

"Take off them rings, " was the answer she got. 

"What is this man doing here, Crittenden?" demanded Mrs. Champney, paying no heed to Smilk's command. 

"He's a burglar, " replied Mr. Yollop. "I guess you'd better take offyour rings, Alice. "

"Do you mean to tell me, Ernest Wilson, that you've gone back toyour evil ways after all I, --"

"I say, Cassius, " cried Mr. Yollop, "is this the woman you wanted tobind and gag and--and--"

"Yes, and rap over the bean, " finished Mr. Smilk, as the speakerconsiderately refrained. 

"Rap over the--what?" inquired Mrs. Champney, squinting. 

"The bean, " said Mr. Smilk, with emphasis. 

"I can't imagine what has come over you, Ernest. You were such anice, quiet, model prisoner, --one of the most promising I ever hadanything to do with. The authorities assured me that you--do youmean to tell me that you entered this apartment for the purpose ofrobbing it? Don't answer! I don't want to hear your voice again. Youhave given me the greatest disappointment of my life. I trusted you, Ernest, --I had faith in you, --and--and now I find you here in myown brother's apartment, of all places in the world, still pursuingyour-"

"Well, you went and moved away on me, " broke in Smilk wrathfully. 

"That's right, Alice, " added Mr. Yollop. "You went and moved on him. He told me that just before you came in. "

"You may as well understand right now, Ernest Wilson, that I shallnever intercede for you again, " said Mrs. Champney sternly. "I shalllet you rot in prison. I am through with you. You don't deserve--"

"Are you goin' to take off them rings, or have I got to--"

"Would you rob your benefactress?" demanded the lady. 

"Every time I think of all that you robbed me of, I--I--" began Mr. Smilk, shakily. 

"Don't blubber, Cassius, " said Mr. Yollop consolingly. "You see, mydear Alice, Mr. Smilk thinks, --and maintains, --that you did him adirty trick when you had him turned out into a wicked, dishonestworld. He was living on the fat of the land up there in Sing Sing, seeing motion pictures and plays and so forth, without a worry inthe world, with union hours and union pay, no one depending--"

"What nonsense are you talking? How could he have union pay in apenitentiary, Crittenden?"

"Don't interrupt me, please. However, I will explain that he wasjust as well-off at the end of the week as any union laborer is, andno street car fare to pay besides. Free food, fuel, lodging, divorce, music--"

"I forgot to mention baseball, " interrupted Mr. Smilk. "And once inawhile an electrocution to break the monotony, to say nothin' of ajail-break every now and then. Say, you'll have to get a move on, Mrs. Champney, --God, will I ever forget that name!--'cause we'reexpectin' the police here before long. I've changed my mind abouthavin' you hold your hands up, Mr. Yollop. You made me telephone forthe police to come around and arrest me. Now I'm goin' to make youbind and gag this lady. I can't very well do it myself and keep youcovered at the same time, and while I ought to give you a wollop onthe jaw, same as you done to me, I ain't goin' to do it. You canscream if you want to, ma'am, --yell 'bloody murder', and 'police', and everything. It's all the same to me. Go ahead and--"

"It is not my intention to do anything of the kind, " announced thelady haughtily. "But I want to tell you one thing, CrittendenYollop. If you attempt to gag and bind me, I'll bite and scratch, even if you are my own brother. "

Mr. Yollop pondered. "I think, Cassius, if you don't mind, I'drather you'd hit me a good sound wollop on the jaw. "

"I'll tell you what I'll do, " modified Mr. Smilk. "I'll lock you inthat closet over there, Mr. Yollop, so's you won't have to watch merap her over the bean. After I've gone through the apartment, I'll--"

"Would you strike a woman, Ernest Wilson?" cried Mrs. Champney. 

"See here, Smilk, " said Mr. Yollop, "I cannot allow you to strike mysister. If you so much as lay a finger on her, I'll thrash youwithin an inch of your life. "

"Oh, you will, will you?" sneered Mr. Smilk. 

"If you want to go ahead and rob this apartment in a decent, orderlyway, all well and good. My sister and I will personally conduct youthrough, --"

"We will do nothing of the kind, " blazed Mrs. Champney. 

"I'd like to see you try to thrash me within an inch--"

"And, what's more, " went on the lady, "I will see that you go up fortwenty years, Ernest Wilson, you degraded, ungrateful wretch. "

Smilk's face brightened. He even allowed himself a foxy grin. 

"Now you're beginnin' to talk sense, " said he. 

"Sit down, Ernest, and let me talk quietly to you, " said Mrs. Champney. "I'm sure you don't quite realize what you are doing. Youneed moral support. You are not naturally a bad man. You--"

"Are you goin' to take them rings off peaceably?" muttered Smilk, ahunted look leaping into his eyes. 

"I am not, " said she. 

"Speak a little louder, both of you, " complained Mr. Yollop. "Thiscontraption of mine doesn't seem to catch what you are saying. "

"Jiggle it, " said Smilk brightly. 

"How long ago did you telephone for the police, Crittenden?"

"How long ago was it, Cassius?"

"Only about an hour. We got plenty of time to finish up before theyget here. "

"Do you think it will go harder with you, Cassius, if they find Mrs. Champney bound and gagged and everything scattered about the floor, and the jewelry in your possession?"

"It might help, " said Cassius. "The trouble is, you never can tellwhat a damn' fool jury will do, 'specially to a guy with a recordlike mine. "

"You had a splendid record up at Sing Sing, " announced the lady. "That's why I had so little trouble--"

"You don't get me, " said Cassius lugubriously. "My record is a badone. I've been paroled twice. That's bound to influence most anyjury against me. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if they recommendedclemency, as the sayin' is, and after all that's been done to keepme out of the pen, the judge is likely to up and give me the minimumsentence. No, " he went on, "I guess I'll have to rap somebody overthe bean. I'd sooner it as you, ma'am, on account of the way youforced me into a life of crime when I was leadin' an honest, happy, carefree--"

"Why, the man's insane, Crittenden, --positively insane. He doesn'tknow what he's--"

"For God's sake, don't start anything like that, " barked Cassius. "That would be the LIMIT!"

"You don't understand, Alice, " said Mr. Yollop kindly. "The poorfellew merely wants to have the law enforced. He says it's a crimethe way the law is being violated these days. Or words to thateffect, eh, Cassius?"

"Yes, sir. There are more honest, law-abidin' men up in Sing Singright at this minute than there are in the whole city of New York. Or words to that effect, as you say, Mr. Yollop. The surest andquickest way to make an honest man of a crook is to send him to thepen. I don't know as I've ever heard of a robbery, or a holdup, oranything like that up there. "

"The way he rambles, Crittenden, is proof--"

"It would be just like her to go on the stand and swear I'm batty, "snarled Cassius. "I got to do something about it, Mr. Yollop. She'sgoin' to interfere with the law again, sure as God made littleapples. I can see it comin'. I'm goin' to count three, ma'am. If youdon't let Mr. Yollop start to tyin' you up with that muffler of hishangin' over there in the closet by the time I've said three, I'mgoin' to shoot him. I hate to do it, 'cause he's a fine feller anddon't deserve to be shot on account of any darn' fool woman. "

"I suppose you know the law provides a very unpleasant penalty formurder, " said Mrs. Champney, but her voice quavered disloyally. 

"One!" began Cassius ominously. 

"Do you really mean it?" she cried, and glanced frantically over hershoulder at the open closet door. 

"Two, " replied Cassius. 

"Count slowly, " implored Mr. Yollop. 

"You--you may tie my hands, Critt--Crittenden, --" chattered thelady. 

"You mustn't bite or scratch him, " warned Cassius. 

Sixty seconds later, Mrs. Champney stood before the burglar, herwrists securely bound behind her back. 

"Will you gag her, or must I?" demanded Cassius. 

"I will give you my word of honor not to scream, " faltered thecrumpling lady. 

"It ain't the screamin' I object to, " said Smilk. "It's the talkin'. You've done too much talkin' already, ma'am. If you hadn't talked somuch I wouldn't be here tonight. "

"Have you a hanky, Cassius?" inquired Mr. Yollop. 

"I refuse to have that disgusting wretch's filthy handkerchiefstuffed into my mouth, " cried Mrs. Champney, with spirit. Mr. Yollopchuckled. "Good gracious, Crittenden, what is there to laugh at?"

"I was thinking of your roll of bills, Cassius, " said Mr. Yollop. 

"Not on your life, " said Cassius, who evidently had had the samethought. "She'd swaller it. "

"I suppose we'd better repair to your room, Alice, where we canobtain the necessary articles. Mr. Smilk will naturally want toransack your room anyhow, so we 'll be saving quite a bit of time. And the police are likely to be here any minute now. "

"You forgot to take your rings off, ma'am, " reminded Mr. Smilk. "That's got to be attended to, first of all. Take 'em off, Mr. Yollop, and put 'em here on the desk. " A moment later he dropped thethree costly rings into his coat pocket. "Now, " said he, "lead theway. I'll be right behind you with the gun. No monkey business, now, --remember that. "

It was not long before Mrs. Champney, properly gagged, found herselflashed to a rocking-chair in the charming little bed chamber, occupying, so to speak, a select position from which to observe thehasty but skillful operations of her recalcitrant beneficiary. Shewatched him empty her innovation trunk, the drawers in her bureau, and the closet in which her choicest gowns were hanging. He did itvery thoroughly. The floor was strewn with lingerie, hats, shoes, slippers, gloves, stockings, furs, frocks, --over which he trod withprofessional disdain; he broke open her smart little jewel case andtook therefrom a glittering assortment of rings, bracelets, andearrings; a horseshoe pin, a gorgeous crescent, and a string ofpearls; a platinum and diamond wrist watch, an acorn watch, adiamond collar, several bars of diamonds, rubies and emeralds, andodds and ends of feminine vanity all without so much as pausing toclassify them beyond the mere word "junk". All of this dazzlingfortune he stuffed carelessly into his pocket. 

During the proceedings, Mr. Yollop stood obediently over against thewall, his hands aloft, his back towards the rummaging Cassius. 

"What's in that room over there?" demanded the burglar, pointing toa closed door. For obvious reasons there was no response. He scowledfor a second or two and then, striding over to Mr. Yollop, seizedhim by the shoulder and turned him about-face. Then he repeated thequestion. 

"That's the room where my niece sleeps. A little ten year old child, Cassius. You will oblige me by not disturbing--"

"Is her hair bobbed?" broke in Mr. Smilk. 

"Certainly not. She wears it long. Beautiful golden tresses, Smilk. Particularly beautiful when she's asleep, spreading out all over thepillow like a silken--" An audible, muffled, groan came from theoccupant of the rocking-chair heard only by Mr. Smilk. His gaze wentfirst to the purpling face of Mrs. Champney, then to the door, thenback to the lady again. 

"For your sake, Mr. Yollop, I won't clip it, " he announced. "I knowI'd ought to, but--Well, I guess it's about time we went back to thelibrary again. The cops will be along in a couple of minutes now, according to my calculations. I can tell almost to a minute how longit takes them to get around to where a burglary has been committed. If you'll tell me where you think your slippers are we'll stop andget 'em on the way. "

Leaving Mrs. Champney seated alone and helpless in the midst of theconfusion, Smilk marched Mr. Yollop to his bedroom and then up thehall to the scene of the first encounter. 

"It seems sort of a pity not to get away with all this stuff, " saidthe burglar, rattling the objects in his pocket. "It ain'tprofessional. I'm beginnin' to change my mind about bein' arrested, Mr. Yollop: I know a girl that would be tickled to death to havethese things to splash around in. She's a peach of a--say, I believeI'll use your telephone again. I'll call her up and see how shefeels about it. If she says she'd like to have 'em, I'll make mygetaway before the cops--"

"You will find the telephone directory hanging on the end of thedesk, Cassius, " said Mr. Yollop graciously. He was seated in the bigarm chair again, wriggling his toes delightedly in the cozy, fleecelined bed-room slippers. "But are you not afraid she will be annoyedif you get her out of bed this time o' night? It's after three. "

"I know the number. Yes, she'll be sore at first, but--HelloCentral?" He lowered his voice almost to a whisper, so that Mr. Yollop could not hear. "Give me Plaza 00100. Right. " Turning to Mr. Yollop, he announced as he sank back into the chair comfortably:

"It's an apartment. We'll probably have quite a long wait. I'vefound it takes some little time to wake the head of the house andget him to the 'phone. And say, he's the darndest grouch I've evertackled. Get's sore as a crab. But we've got him where we want him. He knows darned well if he kicks up a row, she'll quit and his wifecouldn't get anybody in her place for love or money these days. Iwas sayin' only the other night--" Again lowering his voice: "Isthis Plaza 00100? ... I want to speak to Yilga, please. " ... Raisinghis voice considerably: "Here, now, cut that out! ... Well, it ISimportant. ... Course, I know what time o' night it is. ... Yes, it's a damned outrage an' all that, but--what? ... All right, I'llhold the wire. Tell her to hustle, will you?"

"I wish I had shot you, Smilk, when I had the chance, " said Mr. Yollop sadly. "This is abominable, atrocious. Getting a man out ofbed at half-past three! It's unspeakable, Smilk!"

"She's a light sleeper, " mused Mr. Smilk aloud, dreamily. 

"What say?"

"Don't bother me. I'm thinkin'!"

Mr. Yollop waited a moment. "What are you thinking about, Cassius?"

Cassius started. "... Eh? I was thinkin' about the last time I hadbreakfast at Mr. Johnson's apartment. It was that terrible coldmorning the first of last week. By gosh, how that girl can cook! Sixfried eggs and--yes? Hello!"

Plaza 00100: "Yilga's not in yet. "

Smilk, sharply: "What's that?"

Plaza 00100: "She's out. "

Smilk, sharply: "Out? Come off! You can't put that sort of stuffover me--"

Plaza 00100: "I tell you she's not in. That's all. And say, don'tcall up this apartment again at--"

Smilk: "Say, it's nearly four o'clock. She must be in. "

Plaza 00100: "She's not in, I tell you. She went out last eveningwith her young man. One of the other maids stuck her head out of herdoor and told me. "

Smilk, with fallen jaw: "What--what time do you expect her in?"

Plaza 00100: "I don't know, and I don't give a damn so long as she'shere in time to get break--"

Smilk, furiously: "Hey, you go back there and bust into her room. Hear what I say? Better take a club or a gun or something--"

Plaza 00100; "Go to thunder!"

Smilk, flinching as he jerked the receiver away from his ear: "Lord!I bet he put that telephone out of whack!"

He sagged a little as he slowly hung up the receiver. For a momenthe stared desolately at Mr. Yollop and then recovering himselfgradually rushed with ever increasing velocity into the most violenthurricane of profanity that ever was centered upon the frailty ofwoman. Running out of expletives he at last subsided into an ominouscalm. 

"For two cents, " groaned he, "I'd blow my head off. " He gazedhungrily at the revolver. 

"I never dreamed there were so many cuss-words in the world, " gaspedMr. Yollop, blinking. 

"There ain't half enough, " announced Mr. Smilk, in a far away voice. 

"Put that pistol down!" roared Mr. Yollop. "What are you going todo? Shoot yourself?"

"It would save an awful lot of trouble, " said Mr. Smilk. 

"The deuce it would! My servants would be a week cleaning up afteryou, and you'd probably ruin this Meshed rug. Besides, confound you, the police would think that I shot you. Give me that pistol! Give itto me, I say. You can come in here and rob to your heart's content, but I'm damned if I'll allow you to commit suicide here. That's alittle too thick, Smilk. Why the dickens should you worry about thatinfernal jade? Aren't you going to the penitentiary for fifteen ortwenty years? Aren't you-"

"You're right, --you're right, " broke in Cassius, drawing a deepbreath. "I guess I had a kind of a brainstorm. It was the jewelsthat done it. Funny how a feller gets the feelin' that he just hasto give diamonds and pearls to his girl. It came over me all of asudden. The only things I ever gave that girl was a moleskin coat, asable collar and muff, and a gold mesh bag with seventy-eightdollars and a lace handkerchief in it. For a minute or two I wastempted to give her diamonds and rubies--oh, well, I guess I've hadmy lesson. Never again! Never again, Mr. Yollop. I'm off women fromnow on. Here's the gun. If the police try to hang it on you, I'llswear it's mine. Listen! there's the elevator stoppin' at thisfloor. It's them. Before we let 'em in, I'd like to tell you I'venever had a more interestin' evenin' in my whole life. What's more Inever saw a man like you. You got me guessin'. You're either thegoshdarndest fool livin' or else you're the slickest confidence manoutside of captivity. Which are you? That's what's eatin' me. "

"I'm both, " said Mr. Yollop, picking up the revolver. 

"That ain't possible, " said Mr. Smilk. 

"Oh, yes, it is. I'm a milliner, Cassius. "

"I know you're a millionaire, but that don't, --"

"I said milliner. "

"Run a mill of some kind?"

"No, I make hats for women. "

As the incredulous burglar opened his mouth to say something thebuzzer on the door sounded. 

"They got here just in time, " he substituted. 

CHAPTER FOUR

The case of the State vs. Cassius Smilk, charged with burglary, wasfinally set for trial the second week in February, just one year, one month and eleven days after his arrest in the apartment ofCrittenden Yollop. There had been, it appears, a slight delay ingetting 'round to his case. The dockets in all Parts of GeneralSessions were more or less clogged by the efforts of ex-convicts toget back into the penitentiary. Also, there were a great many murdercases that kept bobbing up every now and then for continuance on oneplea or another to the disgust of the harassed judges; to saynothing of the re-trials made necessary by the jurors who listenedmore attentively to the lawyers who "summed up" than they did to thewitnesses who were under oath to tell nothing but the truth. 

Cassius, on arraignment, had pleaded not guilty, according to theancient ritual of his profession. Notwithstanding his evident andexpressed desire to return to a haven of peace and luxury, he wasfar too conscientious a criminal to violate the soundest--it maywell be said, the elemental--law of his craft, by pleading guilty toanything. 

It was a matter of principle with him. Circumstances had nothing todo with it. The instant he found himself in court, he reverted totype, somewhat gleefully setting about to make as much trouble aspossible. He adhered to the principle that no criminal is adequatelypunished unless the people are made to pay for the privilege ofsuppressing him. The only way to make the people respect the law, hecontended, is to let 'em understand that it costs money to enforceit. Besides, crime has a certain, clearly established dignity thatmust be reckoned with. The world thinks a great deal less of you ifafter you have violated the law, you also refuse to fight it. 

Take the judge, for instance. (I quote Smilk. ) What sort of anopinion does he have of you if you slide up to the little "gate, "with your tail between your legs and plead guilty? Why, he hardlynotices you. He has to put on his spectacles in order to see you atall and he doesn't even have to look in the statute book to refreshhis memory as to the minimum penalty for larceny or whatever it is. And the way the Assistant District Attorney looks at you! And thebailiffs too. But put up a fight and see what happens. The wholeblamed works sits up and takes notice. The judge looks over hisspectacles and says to himself, "by gosh, he's a tough lookin' bird, that guy is;" the District Attorney goes around tellin' everybody ina whisper that you're a desperate character; the clerk of the court, the stenographer and all the bailiffs sort of wake up and act busy;the men waiting to be examined for jobs on the jury begin to fidgetand wonder whether the judge is a "crab" or a nice, decent fellerwhat'll let 'em off when they tell him they got sickness in thefamily, and all of 'em ha tin' you worse than poison because youdidn't plead guilty. 

He was remanded for trial within two weeks after his arrest. Thecourt, finding him penniless, announced he would appoint counsel todefend him. Whereupon Smilk sauntered back to the Tombs with a lightheart, confident that his sojourn there would be brief and thatMarch at the very latest would see him snugly settled in hisrent-free, food-free, landlordless home on the Hudson, entertainmentfor man and beast provided without discrimination, crime no object. 

First of all, his lawyer unexpectedly got a job to represent a shadylady in a sensational breach of promise suit that drew weeklypostponements over a period of five months and finally died anatural death out of court sometime in June. 

This resulted in his lawyer becoming so affluent that it wasn'tnecessary for him to bother with Cassius, so he withdrew from thecase. After some delay, another lawyer was appointed to defend himand things began to look up. But by this time the dockets had becomeso jammed with unrelated dilemmas, and the summer heat was sointense, that the new lawyer informed him he couldn't possiblysandwich him in unless he would consent to change his plea to"guilty", contending that the combination of humility and humiditywould go a long ways towards softening the judge. But Cassiussturdily refused to cheapen himself. 

In the meantime, new crimes had been committed by countlessgentlemen of leisure; the Tombs was full of men clamoring forattention, and there was an undetected waiting list outside thatstretched all the way from the Battery to the lower extremities ofYonkers. 

The principal witness, Mr. Crittenden Yollop, did his best to behavenobly. He thrice postponed a business trip to Paris in order to bewithin reach when Cassius needed him. Then, in the fall, when thingslooked most propitious for a speedy termination of Smilk's suspense, the millinery business took a sudden and alarming turn for the worseand Mr. Yollop fell into the hands of the specialists. He had histeeth ex-rayed, his sinuses probed, his eyes examined, his stomachsounded, his intestines visited, his nerves tampered with, his bloodtested, his kidneys explored, his heart observed, his earsinspected, his gall stones (if he had any) shifted, his last willand testament drawn up, his funeral practically arranged for, --allby different scientists, --and then was ordered to go off somewherein the country and play golf for his health. He went to Hot Springs, Virginia, and inside of two weeks contracted the golf disease in itsmost virulent form. He got it so bad that other players looked uponhim as a scourge and avoided him even to the point ofself-sacrifice. It was said of him that when he once got on a greenit was next to impossible to get him off of it. 

But all this is neither here nor there. Suffice to say that shortlyafter his return to New York, Mr. Yollop paid a more or lessclandestine visit to the Tombs, where he saw Cassius. This was theweek before the trial was to open. He found the crook in adisconsolate frame of mind. 

"Don't call me Yollop, " he managed to convey to the prisoner. "Igave another name to the jailer or whatever he is. Is it jail bird?It wouldn't look right for the prosecuting witness to come down hereto see you. They think I'm your brother-in-law. "

Smilk glowered. "Has your hearin' improved any?" he inquired, afterlocating the disc. 

"No, of course not. "

"Then, " said the prisoner, "I can't tell you what I think of youwithout the whole damn' jail hearin' me, so I guess you'd betterbeat it. "

"Splendid! That's just the way I might have expected you to talk toyour brother-in-law. "

"Well, what do you want anyhow?"

"I don't think that's a very nice way to speak to a--"

"Come on, what do you want to see me about? Get it over with and getout. It can't help my case any if it gets noised around that youcome down here to pay a friendly visit to me. I'm havin' a hardenough time as it is. It's gettin' so it's almost impossible to getback into the pen even--"

"See here, Cassius, I've been giving your case a great deal--ofserious thought. I want to help you out of this scrape if there isany way to do it. "

"That's just what I thought you'd be up to, " groaned Cassius. "What's got into you? Have you soured on life, or what is it?"

"Not a bit of it. You do not get my meaning. Your wife came to seeme yesterday afternoon. "

"My wife? Which one?"

"A tallish one with a flat nose. "

"Yes, I know her. What'd she want?"

"She asked me to be as easy on you as I could, on account of thechildren. "

"How many children has she got now?"

"Four, she informs me. The youngest is two and a half. "

Cassius seemed to be doing a bit of mental arithmetic. He ponderedwell before speaking. Then he said: "Did she say whose children?"

"I assumed them to be yours, Cassius. "

Smilk grinned. "Well, I guess she's adopted a couple since the lasttime I saw her, which was five years ago last Spring. I been marriedtwice since then. So she wants you to go easy on me, eh?"

"She seems to think that if I intercede for you the judge will letyou off with a suspended sentence, and then you can go to work andsupport your family. "

"It's time she woke up, " snarled Smilk. 

"I been at large quite a bit in the last ten years and if she canprove that I ever supported her, --why, darn her hide, what right hasshe got to accuse me of supportin' her when she knows I've neverbeen guilty of doin' it? She knows as well as anything that shesupported me on three different occasions when I was out for a monthor two at a stretch. I will say this for her, she supported mebetter than the other two did, --a lot better. And it's her own faulther nose is flat. If she'd stood still that time--But I'm not goin'to discuss family affairs with you, Mr. Yol--"

"Sh! Easy!"

"It's all right. He ain't listenin'. "

"What is your brother-in-law's name?" in a whisper. 

"I never had but one name for him, and it's something I wouldn'tcall you for anything in the world, " said Smilk. "Let's make itBill. You ain't goin' to do what she asks, are you? You ain't goin'to do a dirty trick like that are you, --Bill?"

"I thought I would come down and talk the matter over with you, Cash. I'm in quite a dilemma. She says if I don't help you out ofthis scrape she and all your children will haunt me to my dying day. It sounds rather terrible, doesn't it?"

"I can't think of anything worse, " acknowledged Cassius, solemnly. 

"She asked me what I thought your sentence would be, and I told herI doubted very much whether you'd get more than a year or so, inview of all the extenuating circumstances, --that is to say, yourself-restraint and all that when you had not only the jewels but therevolver as well. That seemed to cheer her up a bit. "

"You made a ten strike that time, Bill, " said Smilk, his facebrightening. "I didn't give you credit for bein' so clever. If shethinks I'll be out in a year or two, maybe she'll be satisfied tokeep her nose out of my affairs. If you had told her I was dead sureto go up for twenty years or so, she'd come and camp over there inthe Criminal Courts Building and just raise particular hell witheverything. "

Mr. Yollop turned his face away. "I'm sorry to bring bad news toyou, Cash, but she's made up her mind to attend your trial nextMonday. She's going to bring the children and--"

He was interrupted by the string of horrific oaths that issued, pianissimo, through the twisted lips of the prisoner. After a time, Cassius interrupted himself to murmur weakly:

"If she does that, I'm lost. We got to head her off somehow, Mr. --er--Bill. "

"I don't see how it can be managed. She has a perfect right toattend the pro--"

"Wait a minute, Bill, " broke in the other eagerly. "I got an idea. If you give her that roll of mine, maybe she'll stay away. "

"What roll are you talking about?"

"My roll of bills, --you remember, don't you?"

"My good man, I haven't got your roll of bills. And besides Icouldn't put myself in the position of--of--er--what is it you callit?--tinkering with witnesses to defeat the ends of justice. "

"But she ain't a witness, Bill. You couldn't possibly get in wrong. What's more, it's my money, and I got a right to give it to my wife, ain't I? Ain't I got a right to give money to my own wife, --or toone of my wives, strictly speakin', --and to my own children? Ain'tI?"

"That isn't the point. I refuse to be a party to any such game. Weneed not discuss it any farther. As I said before, I haven't yourroll of bills, and if I had it I--"

"Oh, yes, you have. You got it right up there in your apartment. Istuck it away behind a--"

"Stop! Not another word, Cassius. I don't want to know where it is. If you persist in telling me, I'll--I'll ask the judge to let youoff with the lightest sentence he can--"

"Oh, Lord, you WOULDN'T do that, would you?"

"Yes, I would. What do you mean by secreting stolen property in myapartments?"

"I didn't steal it. I found it, I tell you. "

"Bosh!"

"Hope I may die if I didn't. "

"Well, it may stay there till it rots, so far as I am concerned. "

"No danger of that, " said Smilk composedly. "A friend of mine iscomin' around some night soon to get it. What else did she say?"

"Eh?"

"What else did my wife say?"

"Oh! Well, among other things, she wondered if it would be possibleto get an injunction against the court to prevent him from deprivingher of her only means of support. She says everybody is gettinginjunctions these days and--"

"Bosh!" said Smilk, but not with conviction. An anxious, inquiringgleam lurked in his eyes. 

Mr. Yollop continued:

"I told her it was ridiculous, --and it is. Then she said she wasgoing to see your lawyer and ask him to put her on the witness standto testify that you are a good, loyal, hard-working husband and thatyour children ought to have a father's hand over them, and a lotmore like that. "

"She tried that once before and the court wouldn't let her testify, "said Smilk. "But anyhow, I'll tell my lawyer to kick her out of theoffice if she comes around there offering to commit perjury. "

"I rather fancy she has considered that angle, Cassius. She says ifshe isn't allowed to testify, she's going to attempt suicide rightthere in the court-room. "

"By gum, she's a mean woman, " groaned Smilk. 

"I'm obliged to agree with you, " said Mr. Yollop, compressing hislips as a far-away look came into his eyes. "If I live to be athousand years old, I'll never forget the way she talked to me whenI finally succeeded in telling her I was busy and she would have toexcuse me. It was something appalling. "

"Course. I suppose I got myself to blame, " lamented Cassiusruefully. "I don't know how many times I come near to doin' it anddidn't because I was so darned chicken-hearted. "

"I have decided, Cash, that you ought to go up for life, --or forthirty years, at least. So when I go on the stand I intend to doeverything in my power to secure the maximum for you. At first, Iwas reluctant to aid you in your efforts to lead a life of ease andenjoyment but recent events have convinced me that you are entitledto all that the law can give you. "

"It won't do much good if she's to set there in the Courtroom, snivelling and lookin' heart-broke, with a pack of half-starved kidshangin' on to her. Like as not, she won't give 'em anything to eatfor two or three days so's they'll look the part. I remember two ofthem kids fairly well. The Lord knows I used to take all kinds ofrisks to provide clothes and all sorts of luxuries for them, --andfor her too. I used to give 'em bicycles and skates and goldwatches, --yes, sir, we had Christmas regularly once a month. And shenever was without fur neck-pieces and muffs and silk stockings andeverything. The trouble with that woman is, she can't stand poverty. She just keeps on hopin' for the day to come when she can wear allsorts of finery and jewels again, even if I do have to go to thepenitentiary for it. All this comes of bein' too good a provider, Bill. You spoil 'em. "

Mr. Yollop was thinking, so Cassius, after waiting a moment, scratched his head and ventured:

"That guy's beginnin' to fidget, Bill. I guess your time's about up. What are you thinkin' about?"

"I was thinking about your other wives. How many did you say youhave?"

"Three, all told. The other two don't bother me much. "

"Haven't you ever been divorced from any of them?"

"Not especially. Why?"

"Where do the other two live, and what are their names?"

"Elsie Morton and Jennie Finch. I mean, those are their marriednames. I use a different alias every time I get married, you see. Course, my first wife, --the one you met, --her name is Smilk. Imarried her when I was young and not very smart. Elsie lives inBrooklyn and Jennie keeps a delicatessen up on the West Side. "

"Do they know where you are?"

"I don't think so. I forgot to tell 'em I was out on parole lastyear. "

"And they have never been divorced from you?"

"No. They couldn't prove anything on me as long as I was locked upin the penitentiary. "

"Does either one of them know about the other two?"

"I should say not! What do you think I am?"

"Don't lose your temper, Cassius. I am trying to think of some wayto help you, --and I believe I see a ray of hope. You were regularlymarried to Elsie and Jennie, --I mean, by a minister, and so on?"

"Sure. They both got their marriage certificates. I always believein doin' things in the proper legal way. It's only fair and right. They--"

"Never mind. Give me their addresses. "

CHAPTER FIVE

There were quite a number of people in the court room when the caseof the State vs. Smilk was called. It was a bitterly cold dayoutside and considerable of an overflow from the corridors hadseeped into the various court rooms. But little delay wasexperienced in obtaining a jury. The regular panel was stuck, with afew exceptions. Only one member was able to declare that he hadformed an opinion, and he did not form it until after he had had agood look at the prisoner, --although he did not say so. Two werechallenged by counsel and one got off because he admitted that hewas acquainted with a man who used to be connected with the DistrictAttorney's office, --he couldn't think of his name. 

Smilk's attorney succeeded in executing a very clever piece ofstrategy at the outset. No sooner had the jury been sworn than heordered the bailiffs to crowd three or four more chairs alongsidehis table, and then blandly invited a considerable portion of theaudience to take their seats inside the railing. The personsindicated included a tall, shabbily dressed woman and seven ragged, pinched children, ranging in years from twelve down to three. Immediately the prosecution fell into the trap. Two agitatedAssistant District Attorneys jumped to their feet and barked out anobjection to the presence of the accused's wife and family on theinside of the fence, and the court promptly sustained them. He alsosaid some very sharp and caustic things to Smilk's lawyer. Mrs. Smilk and her bewildered seven patiently resumed their seats in thefront row of spectators, but not until after a four year old girl, surreptitiously pinched, had caused a mild sensation by piping: "Iwant my daddy! I want my daddy!"

Smilk cringed and it was quite apparent to close observers that hewas having great difficulty in suppressing his emotions. 

The first witness for the prosecution was Crittenden Yollop, milliner, aged 44. A more thorough examination by the State wouldhave disclosed the fact that he was six feet tall, spare, slightlybald, beardless, well-manicured, and faultlessly attired. 

"State your name and occupation, please, " said the State's attorney, advancing a few paces toward the witness stand. 

"My name is Crittenden Yollop. I am in the millinery business. "

The State: "Where do you reside?"

Yollop: "418 Sagamore Terrace. "

The State: "In an apartment?"

Yollop: "A little louder, if you please. "

The State, raising its voice: "Repeat the question, Mr. Stenographer. "

Stenographer, leaning forward a little: "'In an apartment?'"

Yollop: "Yes. "

The State: "Were you living in this apartment on the 18th ofDecember, 1919?"

Yollop: "I was. "

The State: "Was that apartment entered by a burglar on the datementioned?"

Yollop: "It was. "

The State, casually: "Will you be so good as to glance around thecourt room and state whether you see and recognize the man whoentered and robbed your apartment?"

Yollop, pointing: "Yes. That is the man. "

The State: "You are sure about that?"

Yollop: "I beg pardon?"

The State, patiently: "Repeat the question, Mr. Stenographer. "

Stenographer, patiently: "'You are sure about that?'"

Yollop: "Certainly. "

The State: "Now, Mr. Yollop, I'm going to ask you to tell the jury, in your own words, exactly what occurred in your apartment on themorning of December 18th. Speak slowly and distinctly, and face thejury. "

Mr. Yollop, assisted to some extent by the gentleman conducting theexamination, related the story of the crime, dwelling with specialearnestness upon the dastardly, brutal manner in which Smilk forcedhim, at the point of a revolver to bind and gag and otherwisemaltreat the woman who had befriended him and whose jewels he waspreparing to make off with when the police arrived. He carefullyavoided any allusion to certain portions of the lengthy andilluminating dialogue that had taken place between him and Smilk; hesaid nothing of the unexampled behavior of the intruder intelephoning for the police, or the kindness revealed by him insuggesting a means for getting his captor's feet warm. 

Smilk's lawyer, at the very outset of the cross-examination, clarified the air as to the nature of the defense he was going toput up for his client. After a few preliminary questions, hedemanded sharply:

"Now, Mr. Yollop, didn't this defendant state to you that he hadbeen unable to get work and that his wife and family were in suchdesperate straits that he was forced to commit a crime against theState in order to preserve them from actual starvation?"

Yollop: "He did not. "

Counsel: "You are quite positive about that, are you?"

Yollop: "Yes. "

Counsel: "Did he, at the time appear to be a robust, well-conditioned man, --that is to say, a man who looked strongenough to work and who had had sufficient nourishment to keep hisbody and soul together?"

Yollop: "He certainly did. "

Counsel: "A big, rugged, healthy, desperate fellow, you would say?"

Yollop: "Yes. "

Counsel: "Armed with a loaded revolver?"

Yollop: "Yes. "

Counsel: "You would say that he was big enough and strong enough topull a trigger, wouldn't you?"

Yollop: "I can't answer that question. I don't know how muchstrength it requires to pull a trigger. "

Counsel: "Ahem! At any rate, he looked as though he was strongenough to pull a trigger?"

Yollop: "I dare say he could have pulled it. "

Counsel: "And yet you would have the jury believe that this big, strong, well-nourished man, permitted you--By the by, how much doyou weigh, Mr. Yollop!"

Yollop: "About 145 pounds, in my clothes. "

Counsel: "You are six feet tall, I should say?"

Yollop: "Lacking a quarter of an inch. "

Counsel: "Ahem! As I was saying, this strong, desperate man, armedwith a revolver, allowed you to walk across the room and strike himin the face, causing him to crumple up and fall to the floor as ifstruck by a--well, someone like Jack Dempsey. Isn't that so?"

Yollop: "I never was so surprised in my life. "

Counsel, thunderously: "Answer my question!"

Yollop: "Well, I hit him and he fell. "

Counsel: "Do you regard yourself as an experienced boxer?"

Yollop: "No, I don't. "

Counsel: "Are you what may be termed a powerful man, able to strikea powerful blow with the fist?"

Yollop: "I don't know. The defendant can answer that question betterthan I can. "

Counsel, to the court: "Your honor, I appeal to you to direct thiswitness to answer my questions--"

The Court: "Confine your answers to the questions as they are put toyou, Mr. Witness. "

Counsel to Yollop: "Now see if you can answer this question, Mr. Yollop. You have described in direct examination that this defendantwas a big, burly, rough looking man. You say you were surprised whenhe went down under your inexpert blow. Why were you surprised?"

Yollop: "I was surprised to find how easy it is to knock a mandown. "

Counsel. "I see. You had never knocked a man down before. Is thatso?"

Yollop: "I had never even struck a man before. "

Counsel: "And yet you found it singularly easy to deliver a blow onthe jaw of an armed man with sufficient force to knock him down?"

Yollop: "I can only answer that question by saying that he went downwhen I struck him. I don't know how hard or how easy it is to knocka man down. "

Counsel: "But you admit you were surprised?"

Yollop: "Yes. I was surprised. "

Counsel, shaking his finger and speaking with something likemalevolence in his voice and manner: "Don't you know, Mr. Yollop, that this man was so exhausted from lack of food that he was notonly unable to defend himself from your assault but that the weakestblow--or even a gentle push with the open hand, --would have sent himsprawling?"

Yollop: "I don't know anything about that. "

Counsel: "Wasn't he so weak that he could hardly walk across theroom after he arose?"

Yollop: "Possibly. He was not too weak, however, to climb up twofloors on a fire escape and pry open my window before I, --"

Counsel: "Now, --now, --now! Please answer my question?"

Yollop: "He complained of being dizzy. He held his hand to his jaw. That's all I can say. "

Counsel: "You were pointing the revolver at him all the time, youhave testified. Is that true?"

Yollop: "Yes. "

Counsel: "If he had made an attempt to attack you, you would haveshot him, wouldn't you?"

Yollop: "I would have shot AT him, I suppose. "

Counsel, slowly, distinctly, dramatically: "In other words, youwould have been strong enough to do the thing that he was unable todo, --pull a trigger. "

Yollop: "I haven't said he was unable to pull a trigger. "

Counsel: "Answer my question!"

The State, bouncing up: "We object to this question. It calls for aconclusion on the part of the witness that--"

The Court: "Objection sustained. "

Counsel, glaring: "Exception. " Then, after mopping his brow andconsulting his notes: "Now, Mr. Yollop, you say you conversed withthis defendant at some length while waiting for the police toarrive. Have you any recollection of this defendant telling you thathe was driven to theft because he had been out of work for nearlythree months?"

Yollop: "No. "

Counsel: "Didn't he say something of the kind to you?"

Yollop: "He didn't say he had been out of WORK for three months. "

Counsel, patiently: "Well, what did he say?"

Yollop: "He said he had been out of jail for three months. "

Counsel, suddenly referring to his notes again: "Er--ahem!--By theway, Mr. Yollop, you don't hear very well, do you?"

Yollop: "I am quite deaf. "

Counsel: "He might have said a great many things that you failed tohear, --especially if his voice was weak?"

Yollop: "I dare say he did. "

Counsel, lifting his eyebrows significantly and nodding his head:"Ah-h-h! Didn't he tell you that he had a wife and severalchildren?"

Yollop: "I don't recall that he said anything about severalchildren. He said he had several wives. "

Counsel, startled: "What's that?"

A bailiff, harshly addressing a woman in the front row ofspectators: "Order! Order!"

The Woman in the front row: "The dirty liar!"

The State, sticking its hands in its pockets and strutting to andfro, smiling loftily: "Repeat the answer for the gentleman, Mr. Reporter. "

Counsel: "Never mind, --never mind. I move that the answer bestricken out, your honor, and that you instruct the jury todisregard the supposedly facetious reply of the witness. "

The Court, to Mr. Yollop: "Did this defendant say to you that he hadseveral wives?"

Yollop, looking blandly at the jury until convinced by twelveexpressions and the direction in which twenty four eyes were gazingthat the court had spoken: "I beg pardon, your honor. Were youspeaking to me?"

The Court, raising his voice: "Did he tell you that he had severalwives?"

Yollop: "He did. "

The Court: "Motion overruled. Proceed. "

Counsel: "Exception. Now, Mr. --"

Child in the front row, still gazing intently at a very baldheadedman on the opposite side of the aisle: "I want my daddy! I want--"

The Court: "You must remove that child from the court room, madam. Officer, see that that child is removed. Remove all of them. You mayremain here, madam, if you choose to do so, but the court cannotallow this trial to be--"

The Woman in the front row: "Please, your honor, if you will let mekeep them here I'll promise to--"

The Court: "Officer, remove those children at once. "

The Woman: "And what's more, he tells a dirty lie when he says--"

The Court: "Silence! You will have to leave the room also, madam. This is outrageous. Officer!"

The State, magnanimously: "May it please the court, the State hasnot the slightest objection to the lady and her children remainingin the court room, provided they do not interrupt these proceedingsagain. "

The Court, melting a little: "Do you think you can keep thosechildren quiet, madam, and refrain from audible comments yourself?"

The Woman: "Yes, sir. I'm sure I can. "

The Court: "It is not my desire to be harsh with you, madam, but ifthis occurs again I shall have you ejected from the room. Proceed. "

Counsel: "Now, Mr. Yollop, you have testified that you bound andgagged your sister at the direction and command of this defendantand that he rifled the apartment at will, keeping you covered with arevolver. You also have stated that you laid the pistol on the desk, within his reach, when you believed the police to be at the door. Why, did you do that?"

Yollop: "Because I did not think that I needed it any longer. "

Counsel, sarcastically: "Oho! so that was the reason, eh?"

Yollop: "Well, I was glad to be rid of it. I was dreading all thetime that it might go off accidentally. They frequently do. "

Counsel: "I see. Now, isn't it a fact, Mr. Yollop, that you laid therevolver down to go to the assistance of this defendant who was in afainting condition?"

Yollop: "No, it isn't. He was all right. "

Counsel: "Don't you know that you laid it down because you wereconvinced in you own mind that he was physically unable to takeadvantage of it? That he was in no condition to use it?"

Yollop: "No. "

Counsel, with a pitying look at the jury: "He was still the big, strong, able-bodied man that you had knocked down with your brawnyfist, eh?"

Yollop, mildly: "He may have been a little sleepy. I was. "

A Bailiff: "Order! ORDER!"

Counsel, severely: "Now, Mr. Yollop, will you tell this jury why, after you had found it so simple to knock the defendant down anddisarm him earlier in the evening, you failed to repeat theexperiment when he had you covered the second time?"

Yollop: "The first time I acted on the spur of the moment, and understress of great excitement. I had had time to collect my wits by thetime he gained possession of the revolver. I wasn't as foolhardy asI was at the beginning. I was afraid he would shoot me if I tackledhim again. "

Counsel: "Isn't it a fact that he appeared much stronger and not soweak and listless as when you first encountered him?"

Yollop: "I didn't notice any change in him. "

Counsel: "Didn't you testify awhile ago that while he was sitting atyour desk, under cover of the gun, he ate a whole box of chocolatecreams, --at your generous invitation?"

Yollop: "Yes. He ate them, all right. "

Counsel: "Wouldn't you, as an intelligent man, assume that a poundof chocolates might have the effect of restoring to a half-starvedman a portion of his waning strength, --at least a sufficient amountto encourage him to put up some kind of a fight against you?"

The State: "We object. The question calls for a conclusion on thepart of the witness, who does not even pretend to be an expert or anauthority on pathological--"

Counsel: "But he DOES pretend to be an intelligent man, doesn't he?I submit, your honor, that the question is proper and I--"

The Court: "Objection sustained. The witness may state that thedefendant ate a box of chocolate creams. He cannot give an opinionas to the effect the chocolates may or may not have had on him. "

Counsel: "Exception. "

Mr. Yollop was on the stand for half an hour longer. Counsel for thedefense was driving home to the jury the impression that Smilk was apoor, half-starved wretch who had gone back to thieving after avaliant but hopeless attempt to find work in order to support hiswife and children. He announced, in arguing an objection made by theState, that it was his intention to prove by the man's wife thatSmilk was a good husband and was willing to work his fingers off forhis family, but that he had been ill and unable to find steadyemployment. 

Mrs. Champney testified at the afternoon session. She made a mostunfavorable impression on the jury. She got very angry at Smilk'scounsel and said such spiteful things to him and about his clientthat the jury began to feel sorry for both of them. 

Two detectives and three policemen in uniform testified that Smilkwas the picture of health and a desperate-looking character. Nowanybody who has ever served on a jury in a criminal case knows theeffect that the testimony of a police officer has on three fourths--and frequently four fourths, --of the jurors. For someunexplained, --though perhaps obvious reason, --the ordinary juror notonly hates a policeman but refuses to believe him on oath unless heis supported by evidence of the most unassailable nature. The merefact that the five officers swore that Smilk was healthy and ruggedno doubt went a long way toward convincing the jury that the poorfellow was a physical wreck and absolutely unable to defend himselfon the night of the alleged burglary. 

Moreover, a skilled mind-reader would have discovered that Mr. Yollop had not made a good impression on the jury. Almost to a man, they discredited him because he was fastidious in appearance;because he was known to be a successful and prosperous business man;because he was trying to make them believe that he possessed theunheard-of courage to tackle an armed burglar; and because he was amilliner. As for Mrs. Champney, she was the embodiment of all thatthe average citizen resents: a combination of wealth, refinement, intelligence, arrogance and widowhood. Especially does he resentopulent widowhood. 

The State rested. Mrs. Smilk was the first witness called by thedefense. She told a harrowing tale of Smilk's unparalleled effortsto obtain work; of his heart-breaking disappointments; of her ownloyal and cheerful struggle to provide for the children, --and forher poor sick husband, --by slaving herself almost to death at allsorts of jobs. Futhermore, she was positive that poor Cassius hadreformed, that he was determined to lead an honest, upright life;all he needed was encouragement and the opportunity to show hisworth. True, he had been in State's Prison twice, but in bothinstances it was the result of strong drink. Now that prohibitionhad come and he could no longer be subjected to the evils andtemptations of that accursed thing generically known as rum, he wassure to be a model citizen and husband. In fact, she declared, afriend of the family, --a man very high up in city politics, --hadpromised to secure for Cassius an appointment as an enforcementofficer in the great war that was being waged against prohibition. This seemed to make such a hit with the jury that Smilk's lawyershrewdly decided not to press her to alter the preposition. 

The cross-examination was brief. 

The State: "How many children have you, Mrs. Smilk?"

Mrs. Smilk: "Seven. "

The State: "The defendant is the father of all of them?"

Mrs. Smilk, with dignity: "Are you tryin' to insinuate that heain't?"

The State: "Not at all. Answer the question, please. "

Mrs. Smilk: "Yes, he is. "

The State: "When did you say you were married to the defendant?"

Mrs. Smilk: "October, 1906. I got my certificate here with me, ifyou want to see it. "

The State: "I would like to see it. "

Counsel for Smilk, benignly: "The defense has no objection. "

The State, after examining the document: "It is quite regular. Withthe court's permission, I will submit the document to the jury. "

The Court, to Smilk's counsel: "Do you desire to offer this documentin evidence?"

Counsel: "It had not occurred to us that it was necessary, but nowthat a point is being made of it, I will ask that it be introducedas evidence. "

The State, passing the certificate to the court reporter for hisidentification mark: "You have never been divorced from thedefendant, have you, Mrs. Smilk?"

Mrs. Smilk: "Of course not. " Then nervously: "Excuse me, but do Iget my marriage certificate back? It's the only hold I got on--"

Counsel, hastily: "Certainly, certainly, Mrs. Smilk. You need haveno worry. It will be returned to you in due time. "

The State, after reading the certificate aloud, hands it to theforeman, and says: "The State admits the validity of thiscertificate. There can be no question about it. " Leans against thetable and patiently waits until the document has made the rounds. "Now, Mrs. Similk, you are sure that you have not been divorced fromSmilk nor he from you?"

Mrs. Smilk, stoutly; "Course I'm sure. "

The State: "You heard Mr. Yollop testify that your husband said hehad several wives. So far as you know that is not the case?"

Mrs. Smilk. "I don't think he ever said it to Mr. Yollop. I thinkMr. Yollop lied. "

The State: "I see. Then you do not believe your husband could havedeceived you--I withdraw that, Mr. Reporter. You do not believethat your husband is base enough to have married another woman, --orwomen, --without first having obtained a legal divorce from you?"

Mrs. Smilk: "I wouldn't be up here testifying in his behalf if Ithought that, you bet. He ain't that kind of a man. If I thought hewas, I'd like to see him hung. I'd like to see--"

The State. "Never mind, Mrs. Smilk. We are not trying your husbandfor bigamy. I think that is all, your honor. "

Counsel for Smilk: "You may be excused, Mrs. Smilk. Take the stand, Cassius. "

Instead of obeying Cassius beckoned to him. Then followed a long, whispered conference between lawyer and client, at the end of whichthe former, visibly annoyed, declared that the defendant had decidednot to testify. The Court indicated that it was optional with theprisoner and asked if the counsel desired to introduce any furthertestimony. Counsel for the defense announced that his client'sdecision had altered his plans and that he was forced to rest hiscase. The Assistant District Attorney stated that he had twowitnesses to examine in rebuttal. 

"Send for Mrs. Elsie Morton, " he directed. "She is waiting in theDistrict Attorney's office, Mr. Bailiff. "

To the amazement of every one, Cassius Smilk started up from hischair, a wild look in his eye. He sat down instantly, however, butit was evident that he had sustained a tremendous and unexpectedshock. Mr. Yollop who had purposely selected a seat in the front rowof spectators from which he could occasionally exchange mutualglances of well-assumed repugnance with the rascal, caught Smilk'seye as it followed the retiring bailiff. The faintest shadow of awink flickered for a second across that smileless, apparentlytroubled optic. Mr. Yollop, who had been leaning forward in hischair for the better part of the afternoon with one hand cuppedbehind his ear and the other manipulating the disc in a vain butdetermined effort to hear what was going on, suddenly relaxed into acomfortable, satisfied attitude and smiled triumphantly. He knewwhat was coming. And so did Smilk. 

Mrs. Morton was a plump, bobbed-hair blond of thirty. She had moistcarmine lips, a very white nose, strawberry-hued cheek bones, analabaster chin and forehead, and pale, gray eyes surrounded byblue-black rims tinged with crimson. She wore a fashionablehat, --(Mr. Yollop noticed that at a glance)--a handsome greenishcloth coat with a broad moleskin collar and cuffs of the same fur, pearl gray stockings that were visible to the knees, and high grayshoes that yawned rather shamelessly at the top despite the wearer'sdoughtiest struggle with the laces. Her gloves, also were somewhatover-crowded. She gave her name as Mrs. Elsie Broderick Morton, married; occupation, ticket seller in a motion picture theater. 

The State: "What is your husband's name and occupation?"

Witness: "Filbert Morton. So far as I know, he never had a regularoccupation. "

The State: "When were you and Filbert Morton married?"

Witness: "June the fourteenth, 1916. "

The State: "Are you living with your husband at present?"

Witness: "I am not. "

The State: "Have you ever been divorced from him?"

Witness: "I have not. "

The State: "How long is it since you and he lived together?"

Witness: "A little over three years. "

The State: "Would you recognize him if you were to see him now?"

Witness: "I certainly would. "

The State: "When did you see him last?"

Witness: "Day before yesterday. "

The State: "Tell the jury where you saw him. "

Witness: "Over in the Tombs. "

The State: "Surreptitiously?"

Witness: "No, sir. With my own eyes. "

The State: "I mean, you saw him without his being aware of the factthat you were looking at him for the purpose of identification?"

Witness. "Yes, sir. "

The State: "I will now ask you to look about this court room andtell the jury whether you see the man known to you as FilbertMorton?"

Witness, pointing to Smilk: "That's him over there. "

The State: "You mean the prisoner at the bar, otherwise known asCassius Smilk?"

Witness. "Yes, sir. That's my husband. "

The State: "You are sure about that?"

Witness: "Of course, I am. I wouldn't be likely to make any mistakeabout a man I'd lived with for nearly six months, would I? I've gotmy marriage certificate here with me, if you want to see it. "

Mrs. Smilk, in the first row, venomously addressing Mr. Smilk: "Sothat's what you was up to when you was out for six months and nevercome near me once, you dirty--"

All bailiffs in unison: "Silence! Order in the court!"

The State, presently: "Was he a good, kind, devoted husband to you, Mrs. Morton?"

Witness: "Well, if you mean did he provide me with clothes andjewels and gewgaws and all such, yes. He was always bringing me homerings and bracelets and necklaces and things. But if you mean did heever give me any money to buy food with and keep the flat going, no. I slaved my head off to get grub for him all the time we were livingtogether. "

The State: "Did he ever mistreat you?"

Witness: "Oh, once in a while he used to give me a rap in the eye, or a kick in the slats, or something like that, but on the whole hewas pretty sensible. "

The State: "Sensible? In what way?"

Witness: "I mean he was sensible enough not to punch his meal tickettoo often. "

It is not necessary to go any farther into the direct examination ofMrs. Elsie Morton, nor into the half-hearted efforts of Smilk'sdisgusted lawyer to shake her in cross-examination. Nor is itnecessary to introduce here the testimony of Mrs. Jennie Finchley, who succeeded her on the stand. It appears that Jennie was marriedin 1914 when Smilk was out for three months. She supported him forseveral months in 1916, --up to the time he packed up and left her onthe morning of the fourteenth of June, that year. As HerbertFinchley he not only managed to live comfortably off the proceeds ofher delicatessen, but in leaving her he took with him nine hundreddollars that she had saved out of the business despite hisgormandizing. 

CHAPTER SIX

Despite the fact that the jury was out just a few minutes short ofseven hours, it finally came in with a verdict "guilty as charged. "Twice the devoted twelve returned to the court room for furtherinstructions from the judge. Once they wanted to know if it waspossible to convict the prisoner for bigamy instead of burglary, andthe other time it was to have certain portions of Mr. Yollop'stestimony read to them. Immediately upon retiring an amicable andfriendly discussion took place in the crowded, stuffy little juryroom. Eight men lighted black cigars, two lighted their pipes, onejoyously, almost ravenously resorted to a package of "LuckyStrikes, " while the twelfth man announced that he did not smoke. Hehad been obliged to give it up because of blood pressure orsomething like that. 

The foreman, or Juror No. 1, was an insurance agent. He was a man offifty and he knew how to talk. His voice was loud, firm, overridingand unconquerable; his manner suave, tolerant, persuasive. Thebailiff, after obtaining each man's telephone number and the messagehe wished to have sent to his home (if any), informed the jurorsthat he would be waiting just outside if they wanted him and thendeparted, locking the door behind him; whereupon the foreman lookedat his watch and announced that it was twenty minutes to four. Thisstatement resulted in the first disagreement. No two watches werealike. Some little time was consumed in proving that all twelve ofthem were right and at the same time wrong, paradoxical as it maysound. After the question of the hour had been disposed of, theforeman suggested that an informal ballot be taken for the purposeof ascertaining the views of the gentlemen as to the guilt or theinnocence of the defendant. The result of this so-called informalballot was nine for conviction, three for acquittal. 

"Now we know where we stand, " explained the foreman. "In view of thefact that nine of us are for conviction and only three for acquittalit seems to me that it is up to the minority to give their reasonsfor not agreeing with the majority. I see by your ballot, Mr. --er--Mr. Sandusky, that you are in favor of acquitting--"

"My name is I. M. Pushkin, " interrupted Juror No. 7. "I wrote itplain enough, didn't I?"

"The initials confused me, " explained the foreman. "Well, let's hearwhy you think he ought to be acquitted. "

"I know what it is to be hungry, that's why. I see the time when Ifirst come to this country when I didn't have nothing to eat fortwo-three days at a time, and ever'body tellin' me to go to hell outof here when I ask for a job or when I tell 'em I ain't had nothingto eat since yesterday morning and won't they please to help a poorfeller what ain't had nothing to eat since yesterday morning, and--"

Six or seven voices interrupted him. It was Juror No. 4, salesman, who finally succeeded in getting a detached question to him. 

"As I was saying, where do you get any evidence that he WAS hungry?"

"I guess you wasn't paying much attention to the evidence, " retortedMr. Pushkin. "Didn't you hear that lawyer say, over and over yet, how he was almost starved to death? Didn't--Wait a minute!--didn'tyou hear him say to that deaf witness that the prisoner fell downlike a log when he push him in the face? Just push him, --nothingelse. Didn't you hear that?"

"Sure I heard it. We all heard it. But what EVIDENCE is there?"

"Evidence? My gracious, ain't that enough? Ain't one man's word asgood as another's? And say, let me ask you this: Is there anyevidence that he wasn't almost starved to death! Well! Humph! Iguess not. There ain't a single witness that says he wasn't hungry--not one, I tell you. You can't--"

"Didn't all them policemen swear that he was as husky as--"

"Say, you can't believe a policeman about anything. It's theirbusiness. That's what their job is. I know all about those fellers. Why, long time ago when I first come to this country, I told ahundred policeman I was almost starved to death and say, do youthink they believed me? You bet they didn't. They told me to get amove on, get the hell out of this, beat it, --you bet I know allabout them fellers. I--"

The foreman interrupted Mr. Pushkin. 

"So you want to acquit the defendant because his lawyer said he washungry, --is that it?"

"I don't blame nobody for stealing when he is almost starved todeath and got a wife and children almost starved to death toobecause he cannot get a job yet. You bet I don't. I don't--"

"Well, of all the damned--"

"Can you beat this for--"

"I've heard a lot of--"

The foreman rapped vigorously with an inkwell, splashing the fluidover his fingers and quite a considerable area of table-top. 

"Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Let us talk this thing over quietly andcalmly. Mr. Pushkin seems to have a wrong conception as to whatconstitutes evidence. Now, let me have the floor for a few minutes, and I'll try to explain to him what constitutes evidence. "

One hour and twenty minutes later Mr. Pushkin admitted that he DIDhave a wrong conception as to what constitutes evidence, but stillmaintained that he hated like sin to convict a man who had tried sohard to get work and couldn't. 

The non-smoking gentleman was one of the three who comprised theminority. He was a mild little chap with weak eyes and the sniffles. By profession he was a clock maker. He said he believed that thedefendant was unquestionably guilty of bigamy and that the State haderred in charging him with burglary. He was perfectly willing tosend the man up for bigamy because, according to the evidence, ittook precedence over the crime alleged to have been committed inDecember, 1919. In other words, he explained, Smilk had committedbigamy some years prior to the burglary of Mr. Yollop's apartmentand he believed in taking things in their regular order. Of course, he went on to say, he would be governed by the opinion of the judgeif it were possible under the circumstances to obtain it. He did notthink it would be legal to put the burglary charge ahead of thebigamy charge, but if the judge so ordered he would submit, notwithstanding his conviction that it would be unconstitutional. Several gentlemen wanted to know what the constitution had to dowith it, and he, becoming somewhat exasperated, declared that thepresent jury system is a joke, an absolute joke. 

"Well, it's just such men as you that make it a joke, " growled JurorNo. 12. 

"Gentlemen! Gentlemen!" admonished the foreman. "Let us have norecriminations, please. It occurs to me that we ought to send a noteto the court, asking for instructions on this point. "

The note was written and despatched in care of the gloweringbailiff, who, it seems, had an engagement to go to the movies thatevening and couldn't believe his ears when he ascertained that theboobs had not yet agreed upon a verdict in what he regarded as theclearest case that had ever come under his notice. 

In the meantime, the third juror explained his vote for acquittal. He was a large, heavy-jowled man with sandy mustache and a vacancyamong his upper teeth into which a pipe-stem fitted neatly. He wasthe superintendent of an apartment building in Lenox Avenue. 

"I think it's a frame-up, " he said, pausing to use the bicuspidvacancy for the purpose of expectoration. "That's what I think itis. Now I'm in a position as superintendent of a flat building toknow a lot about what goes on among the bachelor tenants. I ain'tsayin' that the prisoner didn't go to Mr. What's-His-Name's flatwithout an invitation. You bet your life he wasn't expected, if myguess is correct. I tell you what I think, --and my opinion ought tobe worth a lot, lemme tell you, --I think there's something back ofall this that wasn't brought out in the trial. Now here's somethingI bet not one of you fellers has thought about. What evidence isthere that this Chancy woman is that deaf man's sister? Not a blamedword of evidence, except their own statement. She ain't his sisterany more than I am. Did you ever see two people that looked lesslike they was related to each other? You bet you didn't. Now I got ahunch that the prisoner follered her to that guy's apartment. Whatfor, I don't know. Maybe for blackmail. He got onto what was goin'on, and makes up his mind to rake in a nice bunch of hush-money. That's been done a couple of times in the apartment buildin' I'msuperintendent of. A feller I had workin' for me as a porter cleanedup five or six hundred dollars that way, he told me. This robberybusiness sounds mighty fishy to me. Now I'm only tellin' you the waythe thing looks to me. I don't think that woman is Wollop's sisterany more than she is mine. It's a frame-up, the whole thing is. Lookat the way this Wollop says he tied her up and all that. Humph!--Can't you fellers see through this whole business? He tiedher up so's the police would find her tied up, that's what he done. The chances are she's some woman customer of his that's got stuck onhim, tryin' hats and all that, --and maybe gettin' all the hats shewants for nothin', --and this feller Smilk he gets onto the game andgoes out for a little money. See what I mean?"

So loud and so furious was the discussion that followed theextraordinary deductions of Juror No. 9, that the bailiff had to raphalf a dozen times before he could make himself heard. Finally theforeman, purple in the face, called out through the haze of smoke:

"Come in!"

"The judge says for you to come into the court room forinstructions, " announced the officer. "Never mind your hats andcoats. No cigars, gents. Leave 'em here. They'll be safe. Come on, now. It's nearly time to go to supper. "

The judge informed the jury that they could not find the man guiltyof bigamy and curtly ordered them back to their room for furtherdeliberation. They took another ballot before going out to supper ata nearby restaurant, guarded by six bailiffs, who warned them not todiscuss the case while outside the jury room. The second ballot, bythe way, was eight for conviction, four for acquittal. Juror No. 5had come over to the minority. He said there was something in thetheory of Juror No. 9. 

There was a very positive disagreement concerning the meal they wereabout to partake of. The foreman spoke of it as dinner and wasopenly sneered at by eleven gentlemen who had never called itanything but supper. The little clockmaker, having been overruled bythe judge, was in a nasty temper. He accused the foreman of being arepublican. He said no democrat ever called it dinner. It wasn'tdemocratic. 

Upon their return to the jury room after a meal on which there wascomplete agreement and which brought out considerable talk about thepenuriousness of the County of New York, they settled down to aprolonged and profound discussion of their differences. It soondeveloped that all but two of the jurors had been favorably inclinedtoward the defendant up to the time the State introduced theunexpected wives. They had regarded him as a poor unfortunate, driven to crime by adversity, and after a fashion the victim of anarrogant and soulless police system, aided and abetted by theDistrict Attorney's minions, a contemptible robber in the person ofa dealer in women's hats, and a bejeweled snob who insulted theirintelligence by trying to convince them that her confidence had beenmisplaced. But the two wives settled it. Smilk was a rascal. Heought to be hung. 

"But, " argued No. 9, "how the devil do we know that them women AREhis wives. Their evidence ain't supported, is it?"

"Didn't they have certificates?" demanded another hotly. 

"Sure. But that don't prove that he was the man, does it?"

"And didn't the prisoner jump up and yell: 'My God, it's all off!You've got me cold! You've got me dead to rights, '" cried another. 

"Oh, there's no use arguin' with you guys, " roared No. 9, disgustedly. 

Later on they returned to the court room to have certain parts ofMr. Yollop's testimony read to them. After this a ballot was taken, and the only man for acquittal was the clock-maker. At twentyminutes to eleven he succumbed, not to argument or persuasion orreason but to a chill February draft that blew in through the openwindow above his head. He couldn't get away from it. The otherswouldn't let him. They got him up in a corner and he couldn't breakthrough. He told them he was getting pneumonia, that the draft wouldbe the death of him, that he'd take back what he said about thesmoke almost suffocating him, --still they surrounded him, and arguedwith him, and called him things he didn't feel physically able tocall them, and at last he voted guilty. 

Smilk, haggard with worry, --for he had come to think, as the hourswent by without a verdict, that there would be a disagreement or, worse than that, an acquittal, in which case he would have to facethe charge of bigamy that the district attorney had more thanintimated, --Smilk slouched dejectedly into the court room a fewminutes before eleven o'clock and went through the familiar processof facing the jury while the jury faced him. He straightened upeagerly when the verdict was read. He took a long, deep breath. Hiseyes brightened, --they almost twinkled, --as they searched the roomin quest of Mr. Yollop. He was disappointed to find that the gentlemilliner was not there to hear the good news. 

The judge sentenced him to twenty years imprisonment at hard labor, and he went back to his cell in the Tombs, a triumphant, vindicatedchampion of the laws of his State, a doughty warrior carrying thebanner of justice up to the very guns of sentiment. 

Mr. Yollop received a friendly letter from him some two months afterhis return to Sing Sing. He found it early one morning on hislibrary table, sealed but minus the stamp that the government exactsfor safe and conscientious delivery. Mr. Yollop's stenographer, being more or less finicky about English as it should be written, even by thieves, is responsible for the transcript in which it ishere presented:

DEAR FRIEND--

I hope this finds you in the best of health. I am back on the joband very glad to be so. It is very gay up here and I am getting fatalso. Regular hours is doing it, and no worry I suppose. I wish toinform you that the movies have improved considerable since I washere before and our baseball team is much better. Also the concertsand so on. Grub also up to standard. I never eat better grub at theRitz-Carlton. Which is no lie either. Well, Mr. Yollop, beforeclosing I want to say you done me a mighty good turn when youthought of them two wives of mine. If it had not been for them twowomen I guess it would have been all off with me. I wish you woulddrop in here to see me if you are ever up this way so as I can thankyou in person. Which reminds me. There is some talk among the boysthat a movement is on foot to have a regular fancy dress ball uphere once a month. Some kind of a benevolent society is working onit they say. Big orchestra, eats from Delmonico's and a crowd ofgirls from the smart set to dance with us. So as we won't get out ofpractice, I suppose. Soon as I hear when the first dance is to be Iwill let you know and maybe you will come up to be present. I willintroduce you to a lot of swell dames and maybe you can drum up anice trade among them on account of their all being fashionable andneeding a good many hats. It must be great to be in a business likeyours, where nobody cares how many times you rob them just so youleave them enough money to buy shoes with, because if you ask methey ain't wearing much of anything but hats and shoes these days. Well, I guess I will close, Mr. Yollop. With kind regards from yourstruly, I remain

Yours truly, C. SMILK. 

P. S. --I forgot to mention that this letter was left in your libraryby a pal of mine who dropped in last night while you was asleep, unless he got nabbed like a darned fool before he got a chance to dothis friendly little errand for me. He dropped in to get that wad ofbills I left there some time ago. If you get this letter he got theroll.