[Illustration: (cover page)]

[Illustration: "MARCHED TILL MY PACK GAINED A HUNDRED AN FIFTY POUNDS"]

"Same old Bill, eh Mable!"

BY

EDWARD STREETER

27TH (N. Y. ) DIVISION

Author of "Dere Mable, " "Thats me all over, Mable"

_WITH 27 ILLUSTRATIONS IN BLACK-AND-WHITE BY_

G. WILLIAM BRECK("_Bill Breck_")27th (N. Y. ) DIVISION

[Illustration]

NEW YORKFREDERICK A. STOKES COMPANYPUBLISHERS

_Copyright, 1919, by_Frederick A. Stokes Company

PREFACE

The rightful place for a preface is at the end of a book or, betterstill, the scrap basket. My only reason for setting it here is lestsomeone read and, misunderstanding, take offense. 

Not for one moment has there been any thought of making light of thatsplendid, almost foolhardy, bravery which has characterized theAmerican soldier. It was he himself who made light of it, as he did ofthe whole war, and probably would of doomsday. 

Nor is there anything unkind or deprecating in his attitude toward theFrenchman. He met a race so distinct from his in ideals and customsthat there was no basis for understanding. Failing to understand, hefollowed his usual rule in such instances and laughed. 

One of those veterans of a dozen battles, chancing to glance overthese pages, may say that the dangers and horrors of those last fivemonths have been underrated. They, however, belong to a comparativelysmall and enviable minority. Those who turned the tide in July, 1918, and who knocked the line at St. Mihiel into its proper place inSeptember, also bore the brunt on the Meuse and the drearymud-spattered monotony of the Army of Occupation. The great mass ofthe American army saw but a few brief weeks of fighting during Octoberand November. Thousands of other Bills, equally brave and more eagerbecause it was denied them, never heard the sound of guns except onthe target range. 

This is not a treatise on International Relations. It is not achronology of battles. It is not a memorial of brave deeds. It ismerely a few impressions of Pvt. William Smith, Buck, placed in asituation so new, so incomparable, that it had wiser men than heguessing. He was one of those who left their reasons for being "there"to be analyzed by men not so occupied in the business of keepingalive. He would have been bored to death if you had tried to explainthem to him anyway. His loyalty and patriotism were so unquestionedthat its discussion was absurd. Sentimental, yet so sensitive toobvious sentimentality that he died many times making fun of thethings that he was dying for. 

LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS

"Marched till my pack gained a hundred an fifty pounds"

"Everybody had a beard on both sides of his face"

"Beat the buttons off them with a big board"

"Everyone tucks there napkins under there chins"

"They just ishued us overseers caps an rapped leggins"

"Will have to lean them up agenst something"

"Tyin it under your chin like a bib"

"Mike Whozis, the Captins orderly"

"Ive found the first real use for my tin derby"

"Another boiler blew up right in front of us"

"Lem Wattles what never had his name in the paper"

"Were livin right up in the trenches now"

"It doesnt look as if it had ever exploded"

"There was the Lootenant boostin the Major out of the trench"

"I stuck my head around the bush"

"You ought to have seen those two Lootenants come down"

"'Do you happen to have any lemonade?'"

"Tried to make a blanket roll in six inches of mud"

"All I do is scratch, scratch, scratch"

"The people here wear wooden shoes an have no shapes"

"A German bed is like a loaf of bread thats rose to much"

"They take off there hats to us"

"Levels it off with a piece of bread"

"They lined us all up"

"That little snub nosed thing across the street"

"Im going to be just plain Mr. Bill Smith"

_"Same Old Bill, Eh Mable!"_

_Dere Mable:_

Were in sunny France at last. I cant tell you much about it yet onaccount of its avin been so foggy since we got here. We didnt deboatin Paris as I was expectin. We sailed up a river to a town with a wallaround it and got off there. I dont know what the wall was for unlessto keep people in. They certinly wouldnt need one to keep anybody outof that place. Were now in what they call a rest camp. If this isrestin then all they say about war is true. 

For the last two days weve been unpackin boats. You havnt any idearhow refreshin it is to pile up about 5 milyon cases of corn Willie. Ive been puttin on weight ever since I got here but its all been on myback. 

Some of the fellos think they got us mixed up with one of these StevaDora regiments. It dont seem to worry the Captin much. Theres noreason it should tho. All he has to do is to sit on a box an keep thequartermaster from gettin over-stocked on cigars. 

The day we got in they tied us out in the middle of the river. Theyleft us there so long that there was a roomer the war was over an wewas goin to turn around an go home. When it comes to takin that tripright over agen I say on with the war. 

We lay around there so long I was beginnin to feel like the keeper ofa light ship. Then they got into an awful hurry all of a sudden anpiled pretty near the whole boat load onto one coal barge. Our Bilitinoficer met us at the dock. Hed been over here a month gettin thingsfixed up for us. From the way he acted youd think he was the fellothat invented the war. 

After that we got out in the country and marched till my pack gained ahundred an fifty pounds an my tung was lyin on my chest. Joe said weneeded a rest camp after a hike like that. When wed walked about sixmiles, or killen meters as they call them over here, we turned into abare field. The Bilitin oficer said that was the camp. 

Just then it started to rain. The Captin told the Top to make us allcomfortable. Then he remembered some business in town and went awaybefore he had a chance to hear any first impreshuns about rest camps. The Bilitin oficer must have wore himself out findin us a nice placelike this with only a month to do it in. Id like to see what hed turnout if he only had a couple of days. It rained all night. When I gethome Ill be able to put in a good night in the swimmin pool of a Turksbath. 

The next mornin we started in on intensive restin. We unpacked a wholeboat out onto a dock. Then some General came along. I guess he thoughtwe still looked a little peaked. He says "Just run that stuff into theshed across the tracks. " The place he called a shed would have made anice hanger for the New York Central stashun. 

They tell me now were not goin right up to the front. We got to go toschool agen to learn something. If I had a diploma for every school Ibeen to in the last year my room would look like a dentle parlor. 

The French seem glad to see us but they cant express themselves verywell. They dont seem to talk the same kind of French the fello learnedus in the Y. M. C. A. Last winter. There all mixed up on there money too. About the only way a fello can buy anything is to hold out all hes gotand let them take what they want. I guess theyll never overcharge meby takin all I can hold out. 

The whole sistem is based on the Sue, Mable. As near as I can make outa Sue aint worth anything. A hundred Sues make a Centimeter an ahundred Centimeters make a Frank. Five Franks make a dollar only nowthey dont. That gives you an idear how simple it is to go into a storean figger what you can buy with a quarter. 

I hear the battery comin back so I guess Ill quit this and fall in onthe tail of the colyum. It isnt that I wouldnt just as soon have themall know where Ive been, but it makes the Captin feel a lot better tohave me there at formashuns. 

 Yours if I survive the rest _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

If you ever have to do any travelin in France, walk. I dont supposeyou ever took a five day trip in an open trolly. We traveled five daysan all the time straight away from the front. First we thought we wasgoin to Italy but we must have passed that long ago. They finallylanded us in a little town with about a hundred people, fifty cows anno pictur show. The more I see of this country the more patriotic Iget. 

The train we came down on looked like one I had when I was a kid ontracks. You felt somebody ought to get out an wind the engine everytime it stopped. Whenever we got to stashuns a lot of fellos in longcoats would come out an blow whissels. Sometimes wed start but most ofthe time nothin happened. At last I found a job for the Top sargentwhen the war is over. 

The cars are marked 1st, 2nd an 3rd class. The difference is that thewheels on the 1st class has only got one flat side. The 2nd class hasgot two, an the 3rd class wheels are square. We ride in the 3rd class. Luckily the cars has only got four wheels. There so short you couldntget any more under them if you wanted to. 

There freight cars are all Ford models to. On the doors they gotpainted "Hommes 40 Chevaux 8. " Thats French for 40 men an 8 horses. That struck me as funny till I figgered out that they probably packfive men between each horse sos they wont rattle round so much. 

Of course nobody could ever collect tickets on a train like this. Sothey got a saloon in every stashun insted of a ticket office. Theymake the road pay on those. The first time we stopped Angus got off anbought a bottle of Vinrooge wine. Thats a drink the French use. Theymust wash in it to cause I havnt seen any water since I been here. 

Marv Motel, one of the new fellos in the battery, said if you couldget two or three quarts of that under your belt it would act like acouple of bottles of beer an help you to sleep. So at the next stashunAngus got enuff for three quarts apiece. 

The Vinrooge wine acted the way Marv said it would only he must havemeant two cases of beer insted of two bottles. It put everybody tosleep like an anisthetic but Angus. He kept awake to finish what wasleft. The last I saw of him he was singin Skotch songs out the windoat the Engineer. One nice thing about these trains is the Top cant getat you between stashuns. 

You ought to have seen that bunch the next mornin. It would have beenan awful encouragin site for the Kiser. Everybody had a beard on bothsides of his face, inside an out an they wasnt talkin any more thanwas necessary to call somebody something. 

[Illustration: "EVERYBODY HAD A BEARD ON BOTH SIDES OF HIS FACE"]

About noon they got us out at some stashun sos the Captin could giveus the devil for not keepin neat an clean. Nobody minded much cause hedidnt look as tho hed spent the night in no dry cleaners himself. 

Well, Mable, we just sat there for three days an three nights. I beganto think we must be goin home by the overland root. The only reason wedidnt murder nobody was because we didnt have room. Every once in awhile wed stop at a stashun an some red cross nurses would bringaround coffee. Only they wasnt red an they wasnt cross. Most of us wasso glad to see a woman that we could say something to besides "Ah We"that we didnt menshun the coffee. Its funny what youll take from awoman when it would be death for a mess sargent. 

The Captin said wed have to stay in this town a week or two on accountof the school were goin to bein full. The Bilitin oficer came downahead as usual. This time he only had two days. After seein what hecould do in a month we didnt expect much. We got it. Ten of us areroomin in a hay barn. The only good thing about it is that when yourin bed the Top sargent cant tell wether your there or not withouttakin out all the hay. 

As soon as we got here I noticed something awful strong an it wasnt nogeranium bed ether. Were getting used to it now. You can tell how richa Frenchman is by the size of his manure pile. There so proud of themthey set them right outside there windos sos they can sit an watchthem an never forget them. The bigger the pile the bigger man you arein your home town. All I can say is Im glad the people we live with ispoor. Id hate to be bileted with the Mayor. 

I got to quit now. The sensor cuts out most of this anyway. They sayhe tears off half of every letter to lighten the mails. 

 au reservoir as the French say _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Id have rote you sooner only the sensor wont let me tell where I am anI couldnt think of nothin else to say. This is the third letter Iverote since we landed. Im a little worried about the other two causethe Captin said we couldnt menshun the names of no places. So I justaddressed them to Mable Gimp, nothin else. 

In case you dont receive letters like that I wish youd let me know. Then I wont be expectin any answer. Ritin letters from here is liketalkin to a fello over the fone that aint there. 

Im having a little trouble with the languige. Its tricky. A lot ofthese French words is the same as ours only they dont mean the samething. Like "Pan" an "We" an "Mercy" an "Toot sweet. " As soon as Ifind what the words stand for Ill be all right. 

Some of the fellos dont seem to get onto the idear of this thing atall. They think if they talk like they had an egg in there mouth anput in lots of zs its French. Take Joe Loomis for instance. He talkslike a German thats lived with the French Canadians for a while. Hellgo into a lunch room an say "Geeve me ze beef stak rar, mit zeon-yon. " Then he gets sore when they put the wine list in front ofhim. 

It aint the wine list that makes him sore of course. He cant get overthe American custom tho of eatin with his meals. 

The first three days we was here we didnt have no guns nor horses ornothin. I thought perhaps the Captin would give us a chance to getover that rest camp, but he seems to have an idear tho that just somany of us has got to be killed in the war an the quicker he gets itover with the better. So every day he walks us about ten killenmeters with the sun hot enuff to boil eggs. 

The guns came yesterday. There painted up like a ten cent sunset. Theycall them Soizant Cans, whatever kind that is. They look pretty muchin the bean blower class to me. One of those guns we left back in theStates would take care of the four of them. But of course afterpolishin those up last winter till I almost wore them out the Captinhad to come off an forget them. I guess now were stuck with these. 

No horses came with the guns. I suppose we got to pull them aroundourselves for the rest of the war. I can just here the Captin tellinGen. Perishing, "No, no, General. My men havnt got a thing to do. Outside of a couple of single mounts for the oficers I wont need ahorse. "

I wish your mother could see the wimmin wash close over here. Shemight get more enjoyment out of that lawndress of hers. There is a lotof summer houses down beside a creek behind the town. Every day theygo down there an stand in a barrel right in the creek. First they takethe close an drag them around the creek for a while. Then they laythem on a wooden block an beat the buttons off them with a big board. A button in a steam lawndry leads a life of quiet ease compared withthese. 

[Illustration: "BEAT THE BUTTONS OFF THEM WITH A BIG BOARD"]

After they get them hammered out flat they hang them on a barb wirefence. In the evening they take home anything the cows has left inan old wheelbarro. I guess by that time there dirty enuff to wash agencause there always washin and you dont see no results. 

We spend all our time now drillin with those little guns. Of coursethere different from those we had in the States so everything welearned over there has to be forgot. As far as I can make out we mightas well have learned basket weavin for all the good it did us. 

Well, Mable, have as good a time as you can at home. I know howtiresome those broken-winded fellos must be. Id go around with themtho once in a while in case they should ask you. Democratic. Thats meall over, Mable. Its the only thing your father an me has got incommon. Besides it will make it seem all the better when I get home. 

 Yours in spite of these things _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

I guess your last letter must have been sensored to death cause Inever got it. I been over here three weeks now an the only letter Igot was a bill for some flowers I sent you a year ago. That fellowould make more money as a detective then a flowerist. I bet hed havefound Charlie Ross if Charlied owed him any money. I expect to besittin propped up agenst the wall some day in the Old Soldiers Homean about six postmen will come staggerin in the gate with my mail. Keep on ritin tho. I can always turn it over to some historicalsociety. 

Saturday an Sunday was the end of the week so the Captin let a few ofus go in to a big town near here to take a bath. Hes always tryin tostick a little extra duty like that into a mans private time. 

Me an Angus an Marv Motel went down together in a truck. I dontsuppose you ever road in a truck with only two other fellos in it. Ibet it goes farther up an down then straight ahead. Angus was all forseein the town as soon as we got there, that bein about the only thingthat didnt involve spendin money. We compromized by seem therestawrants first. 

Its interesting to lissen to the French eat, they enjoy things so. Everyone tucks there napkins under there chins like your father usedto before he had a hired girl insted of your mother. 

[Illustration: "EVERYONE TUCKS THERE NAPKINS UNDER THERE CHINS"]

The French is awful optimistic eaters. By takin everything separatethey can work themselves into believin theyve had a course dinner. Ifthey had such a thing as oatmeal an cream I bet theyd make you eat theoatmeal first an drink the cream afterwards. 

Every time you look away you get a clean plate. All you need to starta restawrant in France is a thousand plates an a dozen eggs. The restof the food doesnt matter much. About everything you ask for is"Defended. " That seems to be the same as "Just out" in American. Inmost places its just a question of how long you can think of things toask for before you end up with an omlet. The only place you can getreal French cookin Mable is in the States. 

Theres a bunch of French soldiers in town. Most of them have beards anlittle bags hangin all over them. I wish theyd let us wear beards. Youwouldnt have to go round with your collar buttoned all the time then. 

When I first got into town I thought it must be a holiday or somethingcause the saloons was overflowin right out on the sidewalks. Everybodywas sittin round at little tables drinkin beer. I went in one tho anthere wasnt a soul inside but flies. It certinly is mixin. In oneplace a fello wont take a drink unless he can go behind a screen. Overhere he wont have it anywhere but in the middle of the street. I cansee your father sittin out on Main street in a wicker chair with astein of beer in his hands. 

Well Mable at the rate Im not receivin mail I wont be able to tellwether its last winter or next winter that your talkin about when Ifinally get your letters. Im going to keep on ritin tho just to annoythe sensor. 

 Yours in haste _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

In a training camp once more beginin all over agen. If we had a schoolsystem like this in civil life a fello would never live to finish highschool. 

Were not livin in stables any more. They got us now in long stonebuildins with wood cots in them. I suppose somebody back atheadquarters heard of soft pine an thought it would be a good thingfor makin beds. I feel as full of bones as an old herrin. 

We didnt have to pull the guns over after all. They tied them onbehind trucks. I was makin up a nice bed for myself in the back of atruck when the Captin stuck his head in. He certinly believes inexercisin his neck. As soon as he saw I was comfortable he says"Smith, you ride on the end caisson an watch the brake. " There was nouse tellin him Id seen the darn thing every day for two weeks. Hethinks he knows everything. 

Of course youve never ridden on a caisson tied behind a truck. Younever went hitchin with a bob sled behind an express train in themiddle of summer nether. It was just luck that the old thing happenedto be under me every time I came down. Some times it would go crazy anrun from one side of the road to the other like it was lookin for achance to pass the truck. I dont know what would have happened if therope hadnt busted. That caisson must have thought it was a tank. Itturned right off the road, ran over a little ditch an tried to climea tree. It didnt have the build tho an quit. 

The next thing I remember the Captin was sayin "Smith, what are youtryin to do with that caisson, smash it?" Just as if Id swiped thedarn thing to go for a joy ride. 

Well, Mable, your letter came at last. From the looks of it they musthave dragged the mail bag all the way. That certinly was interestinabout that poor young fello Archie Wainwright. It must be awful tohave a murmur in your heart when you want to go to war so bad. 

Tell him not to worry about missin the war cause when I get back Illshow him so much about it hell feel like a veteran in half an hour anhis family will be hangin out a service flag. 

We just got ishued two new Lootenants inside of a week. Its gettinharder an harder to rite anything interestin that youll understand. For instance the first Lootenant was a 2nd and the second Lootenantwas a 1st. That shows you how tecknickle it all is but of course itsover your head like a shower-bath. 

One of the Lootenants came over as a casulty oficer. He just came nowfrom Sam Moores College of Artilery over here in France. They turnthem out of there like Fords. If he knows as much as he admits he doesI dont see why they bother to put a high priced fello like Fosh incommand for. 

Were bein learned mostly by French oficers. There awful polite. Iwish the Captin could hear them. Joe says he was made a gentleman byan act of Congress when they made him an oficer. Congress certinly hasa lot of power in war time. 

In the army your not supposed to be able to use anything till you knowhow its made. You dont know how to put on a gas mask till you knowwhats in the tin box an who was the first fello to use it. You canttalk over a fone till your able to sit down an make one out of an oldcigar box an a piece of balin wire. 

I never knew so little about so much in my life. You sit here all dayan lissen to a fello tell you how if you multiply something by enuffother things you can hit a Fritz in the stummick three miles away. Everythings tricky about this gun. Insted of shootin where you want tohit like a man you look at a thermometer an a barometer, add emtogether an look up the result in a little pink almanak. That tellsyou where to shoot. I dont like this mystick stuff. Frank andstraitforward. Thats me all over, Mable. 

They just ishued us overseers caps an rapped leggins. Theres one goodthing about these overseers caps. You cant put them out of shape likethe felt hats cause they never had any shape to begin with. I cant saymuch in favor of the rapped leggins tho for a fello that never had anyexperience with first aid or nothin. 

[Illustration: "THEY JUST ISHUED US OVERSEERS CAPS AN RAPPED LEGGINS"]

I cant see any sense tho in ishuin close like a pictur puzzle. Theymight just as well ishue your coat an pants in seckshuns an let youhook em together every mornin. 

I got to quit now. I was left behind to clean out the barracks an Ihear the battery comin in from drill so I got to hussle. Tell Archieto cheer up about the war. When I come home hell be wearin so manywound stripes hell be lookin like a zebra. 

 Yours till Archie gets a service stripe _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Theyve made me a door tender to a Soizant Cans. All Ive got to do isto open the door an another fello puts in the shell. Then I close thedoor an start the shell on its way with a piece of string. Its apretty important job cause if I dont latch the door the whole workswill probably come out the back entrance. 

Our horses came today. They must have thought this was a mobilevetrinary hospittle insted of a battery. Whoever grooms those thingswill have to lean them up agenst something. I read somewhere how theaverage life of a horse in this war is only 60 days. Accordin to thatthis bunch has seen about seven weeks service already. 

[Illustration: "WILL HAVE TO LEAN THEM UP AGENST SOMETHING"]

Every mornin we go out to the range an shoot away liberty bonds. Thegood part about shootin into a desert like that is that theres nothinout there to hit so you can call it a bullseye no matter where youland. The oficers just walk around shakin hands an tellin each otherwhat good shots they are. They sit up behind the guns in a place thatlooks like the press box of a baseball game. It has a nice roof aneverything. When it rains they just pull their toes in sos the waterwont drip offen the roof on them. Then they say "This is war. We cantstop for a little wet. " Every time a fello fires they call it aproblem. About the biggest problem is to figger what their firin at. 

In the afternoon we go to school. Yesterday a fello gave us a talk onthe "Art of Handlin Men. " Marv Motel says he knew him in New York. Heused to be a rubber in a Turks bath on 42nd street. 

Theyve ishued green badges to the fellos that was down on the border. It looks like St. Patricks day around here. Angus MacKenzie that wasntthere calls them horse exercise medals. The day I put mine on theFrench fello thats learnin us about telefones came up an shook handswith me. All the Frogs think somebody has sighted us for bravery. Itsa good thing nobody knows enuff French to tell them about it. 

The French have a medal they call the Crawdy Gare. If you do somethingpretty good like sittin on a hand granade sos it wont go off an botherthe Captin or fieldin a shell right over the kitchin they hang one ofthese on you. Then if you do somethin awful good like drivin a Generalfast past a place thats been shelled they let you wear a silver rubberplant on the ribbon. 

Were almost ready to go up to the front now. I guess they want to getus there before the horses 60 days is up to save funeral expenses. Just at the last minit they ishued us a lot of replacement troops asif we didnt have enuff to carry. The governmint dont need to waste notin derbies on that bunch. They certinly looked as if theyd been doinsome hard fast travelin when they struck here. All they had was whatwas on them an that was mostly cooties. 

I aint allowed to tell you wether were goin to the front from here ornot. I dont see why its such a secret tho cause were so far in therear here that its about the only way we could go. If you dont herefrom me for a long time I dont want you to worry cause I may not bekilled but just badly wounded or taken prisoner or something. Or theremight be just a chance that it was because I was to busy to rite. Thisdoor tender job is pretty important. When they get to fightin I guessIll have to be around most of the time. 

 Yours till I leave the door unlatched _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Were on our way to the front. I bet the Kiser an that funny lookin kidof his is gettin there pulmoters out. We traveled three days an twonights on the train an now we been hikin two nights more. I havntheard a gun yet. I dont think the Captin knows where the front is. Theres a roomer around that we got off at the wrong stashun. I supposenow we got to walk half way across France just because that fello dontknow how to read a time table. 

They landed us in a field outside of a town. Youd have thought we gotoff right in front of the Fritz trenches the way the oficers acted. The new Lootenant bawled everybody out for not wearin there gas masksat the alert. That means tyin it under your chin like a bib. 

[Illustration: "TYIN IT UNDER YOUR CHIN LIKE A BIB"]

We didnt lose much time unloadin. Nobody knew then but what theFritzes might want to park a few Berthas right where we were. Then wejust sat around in the rain and waited. After about an hour the Captincame splashin down the road an says "Harness an hitch. Come on. Hurryup. " He always gives an order as tho hed given it an hour before annobodied paid any attenshun to him. It didnt sound reasonable to mecause it was gettin dark then an it would be time to turn in before wecould get any place. Bein a cannon ear tho an not havin anything to dowith the horses I didnt say anything. Willin. Thats me all over, Mable. 

After wed got hitched up we stood around for an hour more blottin uprain. The Captin just leaned agenst his horse smokin a cigar as thothat was the best place in the world to spend the evenin. Hes got oneof these Drench coats so it doesnt make any difference to him ifeverybody else dissolved. Just as it was gettin dark a fello came upon a motor cycle an gave him some mail. Then we started. It made thefellos awful sore cause they say thats all he was waitin for. Ithought of course the Bilitin oficer had found some place that wasworse down the road an was takin us there for the nite. But we justmarched an marched till everybody could see that the Captin didnt knowwhere he was goin. 

We couldnt light a light or scratch matches or nothin. The Captin saida lot of Dutch airyplanes was out to get us an as soon as we struck alight theyd drop bums on us. Then he passed the word back that nobodywas to talk above a whisper. The old guns rattle so you couldnt hearanybody unless he yelled anyway. The Captin means all right but heread to much cheap literachoor when he was a kid. 

Every few minits a string of trucks would go tearin by in the otherdirecshun. None of them had any lights. Its lucky they didnt cause ifthey could have ever seen how near they came to not missin us theycould never have got there hair to lie down agen. When we were in campback in the States you dasnt go over ten miles an hour for fearsomebody would fall down in front of you and get run over. When youget over here tho the idear seems to be to make the war as dangerousas you can. 

After a while I undid a couple of blanket rolls that didnt seem tobelong to anyone an I was just gettin as comfortable as a fello can ontop of a caisson in the pourin rain. I was dozin off when I heardsomeone say "Whos that ridin on that carriage?" There was only oneperson could ask a question like that. Right away I started to makemyself uncomfortable cause I knew thats probably what the trouble was. Then he rode up an says "Is that you Smith? Didnt you hear me ordernobody to ride on any of the carriages?" Theres no use arguin with theCaptin. Its just a case of "All right. Have it my way. "

They go to all the trouble of bildin a seat on these wagons. Theyspend a year teachin you to sit on it in the most uncomfortable way. Then when the first possible reason for usin them comes along theymake everybody get off an walk. I spent the rest of the nite kickinmud puddles off the road. 

About dawn we pulled off the road into an orchard an put some branchesover the guns to cover up the camooflage paint. I thought after beinup all nite on account of his foolishness the Captin would at leasttake pity on the horses an let them alone. That would have given ussome chance to sleep. Nothin would do tho but that we spend about halfthe day smoothin them out. He says it makes them feel good. Of coursethe way we feel hasnt got nothin to do with it. 

After wed scoured the horses till they must have been sorer than wewere they gave us some monkey meat an let us turn in. Back to the haybarns agen. That Bilitin oficer ought to make good on some board ofhealth when we get home. He can pick out all the worst places in atown ten minites after he gets there. 

Sleepin in the daytime is a kind of a joke anyway in the army. Everytime you get to sleep the horses has to be fed. And when your notfeedin them you got to get up an feed yourself. In the army a felloshungry when they tell him to eat an no other time. 

After theyd blown a horn at me about eight different times I figgeredI might as well stay up an rite you a letter. Now that were gettin upnear the front Im goin to rite just as much as I can. Thats partly sosyou wont worry an partly so that if I get knocked off you will havesomething to amuse you in case you go into a convent. 

I had to leave all those sweters an caps an everything that you nittedme last winter. You dont need to feel bad about that tho cause theywouldnt let us wear them anyway. If everybody wore all the stuffthats been nitted for them since the war started this would look morelike an ice carnival than an army. Its sentiment that counts, tho, notwool. 

 In the meantime still _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

After travelin for three nites we dont seem to be any nearer the frontthan we ever was. Ether the Fritzes are retreatin in trucks or weregoin the wrong way. The only reason were not marchin tonite is becausewhen we got into this town the Captin found a chatto for his P. C. P. C. Is military, Mable. It means a place for the Captin. Mike Whozis, theCaptins orderly, says hes got one of those limosine beds with a roofan sides on it. Its so big it dont make any difference how you lie onit. If all he says about it is true we may stick around for the restof the war. 

[Illustration: "MIKE WHOZIS, THE CAPTINS ORDERLY"]

Well, never mind. Sailor Gare as the French say. Thats some old piratethey blame everything on over here. 

A bunch of prisoners came in last nite. They must have surrounded halfthe German army cause it looked like a decorashun day parade when theM. P. Brought them in. If they make another hawl like that well haveabout as much to fire at up at the front as we did back on the range. Id never seen any Fritzes so Angus an I went down to the pen thisafternoon to see if they were breakin the child labor law or had anywimmin with machine guns tied to them like you read about. 

The pen is just a bunch of barracks not much better than the placewhere we sleep. They got a lot of barb wire an an M. P. Around it. TheFritzes didnt look very wild to me. More like a bunch of stashunporters out of a job. We tried to argu the M. P. Into lettin a few ofthem go at a time sos we could catch them agen but he took the warawful serious. 

I got in wrong with the Captin agen today. This army is something likegamblin. Whichever way you decide your bound to lose sooner or later. Youd think that the only reason a fello would give you food wasbecause he expected you to eat it. Thats because you dont know thearmy. The other day they ishued each fello what they called IrunRashuns. That means a can of petrified crackers an a can of gold fish. Its not a bad name for the crackers. Your supposed to tote around yourIrun Rashuns with you wherever you go. The only thing is that youmustnt eat them. 

When they handed them out the Captin said we wasnt ever to eat themunless we absolutely had to. As if anybody in his right mind would. Imall for obeyin orders tho when it dont conflict with my duty. JoeBalderose ate his half an hour after breakfast and then wanted me tosplit with him on mine. I says "No. Not till I absolutely have to. Anthen Ill be so far gone that you wont have a look in. " I waited tillhap past ten tho I was gettin awful weak the last half hour. Youdought to have heard the Captin when he saw me. Youd have thought I waseatin some of his old harness. 

As far as I can see, Mable, its just another of his ways of passin thebuck. If General Perishing should happen to find one of us starved todeath some mornin he wants to be able to show him we had plenty offood on us when we slipped away. Hes smart all right, that fello. 

You cant tell what may happen before I have a chance to rite agen butwe wont cross any bridges before we leap as the poets say. 

 Yours to the last crum _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Were on the front at last in what they call a quiet sector. Most ofthe soldiers round this place is French. I understand there prettysore at the Americans cause some of them came up here and beganshootin up the Germans. Of course you cant have a decent war ifnobodies goin to pay any atenshun to the rules. 

The worst part of the war is gettin to it. I been rained on so muchthe last week I feel like an old sponge. Every nite weve been marchinalong thru the pitch dark with trucks an guns an everything else thatrattles poundin along on each side. 

Nobody could strike a light durin the whole trip. Then when we get tothis place the Frenchmen that we were goin to relieve came out in theroad with lanterns to see who we were. Its a wonder the Captin didntmake us crawl up on our hands an knees. 

We finally got the guns in posishun. How we found the place in thedark is more than I can tell. Were in the middle of a ruined village. It looks like those picturs of old Greek office buildins that hangs inthe high school hall. Its funny, Mable, but the first real rest Ivehad since I got in the army is since Ive got to the front. The onlylivin thing we see is rats an airyplanes. The archies shoot all day atthe planes but it dont seem to bother them much. They just sail alonglike a limosine with a lot of little dogs tryin to bite off the tires. I guess if they ever hit one the shock would kill the gun crew asquick as it would the pilot. 

Our guns is pointed at a hill right in front of us. Every mornin wefire a few shots at this an then spend the rest of the day cleanin theguns. If they used these guns as much as they clean them the war wouldhave been over long ago. Toward evenin the Fritzes return thecomplement. Everybody comes out to see where they land but they mustfire them up in the air cause nobodies ever been able to find out yet. When your not cleanin the gun or on gard you have to stay down in yourdugout sos the airyplanes wont see you. Theyve got to be awful quickif they want to get a sight of me. Ive got the deepest dugout exceptfor the Captin. When the Top sargent wants a detail you can bet hesnot goin to clime down fifty steps after one Buck private. 

Ive found the first real use for my tin derby. The fello that inventedthese dugouts couldnt seem to decide wether to put in stairs or aladder so he split the difference. Right across the top of theentrance he put a nice sharp beam. Its fixed so that it gets you inthe chin goin down an on the top of the head comin up. Hed have splitmore than the difference long ago if it hadnt been for that tin derbyof mine. 

[Illustration: "IVE FOUND THE FIRST REAL USE FOR MY TIN DERBY"]

Marv Motel, whats gunner on my piece, is busy all day fixin things up. He says if were goin to be here the rest of our lives we mights wellhave things homelike. He dug up an old rug an a lace curtin somewherethat the Germans had missed. The rug hes got in the gun pit an thecurtin over the trail of the gun to set the barrage shell on. Theykeep a shell ready all the time in case somebody starts a battlewithout the usual weeks notice. Marvs got it shined up like a youngdoctors door plate. Every nite he raps it up an put an old one inits place. Angus says when he gets time hes goin to carve the names ofthe gun crew on the side sos we can take it back an give it to somemuseum. 

Well, Mable, you might as well take down your service flag. I guessthe only action Ill ever see is when I get home an meet ArchieWainwright. 

 Yours till theres something doin _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Well, you can take your service flag out of moth balls agen. An if theFritzes try any more monkey bisiness like they did this mornin you canbuy a can of radiator paint for the star. 

Angus an I was standin outside the dugout finishin our mornin goldfishan plannin a few correkshuns for the army when a boiler exploshunhappened right behind us. After things had quieted down a bit I lookedout from behind a piece of old stone wall where I seemed to be lyin, to see if there was anything left for identificashun. I saw a footlayin outside the dugout. I knew it belonged to Angus cause hes theonly man in the army with one like it. I was just goin to pick it upthinkin his family might like it to remember him by when another footcame out. Then the whole of him. Hed crawled under an old pawlin thathad been spread out to dry. This war certinly has proved that fishaint a brain food. Outside of bein a little mussed up from a mudpubdle hed found under the pawlin he seemed all right. When I ast himif he was lookin for anything, tho, he got all worked up. The Skotchis awful emoshunal. 

While we was standin there wonderin wether somebodied been smokin inbed in the amunishun dug out another boiler blew up right in front ofus. At least I think it was in front as near as I could tell from thebottom of the dug out stairs. Angus saved my life that time cause weboth happened to go down the stairs together an I went down on top ofAngus. 

[Illustration: "ANOTHER BOILER BLEW UP RIGHT IN FRONT OF US"]

Marv Motel was asleep down in the dug out. He got awful sore an wantedto know how a fello was ever goin to get any rest with a bunch of thisan that fools rough housin around all day. Then came two more blackhand awtrocities. Angus swears the second one rocked the dug out sohis mess kit slid right offen the table. Things quieted down afterthat so we went out finally to see if we could pick up any soovenirsout of the wreck. 

Well, Mable, Id have bet anybodies money before I went out that noneof those shots had lit more than ten feet away. It took us half anhour tho before we could locate all the holes. When we did they wasall about a hundred yards away. The funny part about it was that therewas one in front and back an one on each side of the battery. 

The Captin came out of his dug-out while we was lookin at them. Iguess hed been down there doin some deep thinkin. He looked them overlike he was Shylock Homes or somebody. Then he said that was an oldFritz trick to put a shot on all four sides of a battery. Some daywhen he had lots of amunishun hed split the diference. All I can sayis that when he starts splittin Im goin to set a new rekord down thesedug out stairs wether Angus is there to ride on or not. 

Nothins happened since so weve all been hopin that those was just fourold shots that the Germans wanted to get rid of. A truck came in lastnite with a lot of bread an a quarter of a cow done up in burlap likesummer furniture so everybodies forgot the war in favor of a roastbeef dinner. 

It certinly is goin to make me laugh, Mable, if I should ever get homean see those sines about bread all done up in tishue paper what aintnever touched human hands since the fello that rapped it up. Over herethey handle bread like coal only a little rougher not havin any shootsan things. 

Our bread comes in round loaves like the French. Its handier to carryan dont bust so easy when it hits things. Ive seen the doboys bore ahole in the middle and sling a loaf over there shoulder with a pieceof string like a pair of feel glasse. I suppose theyll be gettin outan order pretty soon about which side your to wear your bread on. 

After all Ive eat tho I aint dead yet. Of course thats no permanenthealth certifikate. 

I started this letter early this mornin. Now its almost nite agen. Afello never can get any work done without gettin interupted in thearmy. I got to quit now cause I was supposed to relieve Marv Motel ongard half an hour ago sos he could get his supper. I guess he wontmind when he finds out weve gone back to gold fish agen. 

 yours till they split the diference _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

We fooled the Fritzes by pullin out of that last place before theydhad a chance to split the diference. We came back to this little townfor what they call a rest. That word "rest" dont mean the same thingas the one we use. For instance when an oficer comes into the roomeverybodys supposed to jump up like theyd been sittin on a tack. Thenhe says "Rest. " Youd naturally think he meant lie down an take it easyfor an hour or so. All he means is that you dont have to stand like awindo dummie. 

An then agen when your standin in line an somebody says "Parade rest. "Insted of lyin down in the grass somewhere an takin a smoke you grabhold of your thums an stick one foot in front of the other like thoseold fotografs of your grandfather in the album. 

The worst kind of rest tho is when you get back in a place like this. That means eight hours a day scrubbin guns an drillin an smoothin outhorses. If that doesnt seem to set you on your feet you stand gard allnite. 

The Bilitin oficer likes this place. Hes got my gun squad in a barnwith half the roof shot off an the other half awful undecided. It isntthe part thats gone we mind so much as the part thats left. Id hate tocome all this way just to interfere with a brick. Everybody wearsthere tin derby to bed at nite. 

Payday came along this mornin. In the afternoon a couple of doboyscame along that had just been paid to. Me an Angus took them on for afriendly game right off the Main street. It was rainin an the wind wasblowin cats an dogs but we had most of the doboys money an they didntseem to want to go till we had it all so nobody minded the wethermuch. Angus had just passed six times an about all the money we hadwas bet when there was a swish like a punctured tire an everythingseemed to blow up all around. 

There is times in this world when you dont stop to figger what nobodyowes you. When I looked up agen I could see where it had lit in an oldwreck across the street. The next thing I noticed was that the doboysan all the money was gone. We never did find out wether they was blownup or skipped. 

Were goin to move out of here now in a day or two. The Captin sayswere goin to a more active sector. 

 Yours till you read it in the papers _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Were in a new posishun. That sounds like those vawdevel fellos thatpaint themselves gold an stand on one leg or a hired girl. It aintnothin like that tho. In the army a posishun is anywhere your gunshappen to be. Just now ours is in a woods an a couple of feet of mud. 

The horses is showin wear to. If theyd done half the work I have theydbe wearin a tin jacket labeled corn Willie long ago. Most of them isso thin you could hang your hat on there hips an there ribs would makea good letter file. 

Every horse has got a gas mask tied under his chin. They think therenose bags an pretty near break there necks tryin to get at them. Iveshowed my horse his mask open an everything. He doesnt seem to catchon tho. Thats the trouble with these French horses. You cant make themunderstand. 

The Captin sent me back in the woods on a little undertakin job today. Lem Wattles horse had succeeded in dyin after bein at it for twoweeks. It was the only thing he ever put any effort in. Just to lookat him you wouldnt see what took him so long. That horse just couldntdo anything quick tho. It seems Im always buryin horses. There so darncontrary theyll drag themselves for miles just to die at my feet. 

We was sittin on the corps restin a while before we started to workwhen we heard one of those high powered wash boilers go off back bythe guns. A minit later another landed. We postponed the funeral anwent back to collect the identificashun tags. One shell had lit rightbehind my gun an thrown mud all over it. The other had planted itselfin a field just outside the woods. 

Now we got to pull out of here tonite an go somewhere else like afello tryin to sleep on a park bench. 

A lot of the fellos families is givin there letters to the newspapers. Sometimes they print there picturs with them. Lem Wattles what neverhad his name in the paper before except when he used to get arrested, showed me a piece about two feet long with his face on top. Of coursenone of the things he rote about ever happened. He was back at trainincamp when he rote them. Lem will fight if you call him a liar tho. 

[Illustration: "LEM WATTLES WHAT NEVER HAD HIS NAME IN THE PAPER"]

I dont mean this as a hint to you to give my letters to the paperscause Im tryin to avoid publicity. 

Im goin to turn in now a fighter cant get to much sleep. Besides Iwas on gard last nite an my brains seem to be dead today. 

 as always modist _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

I got a new job. Im an artilery runner with the infantry. Dont get theidear Im on some kind of a track team cause theres one thing a runnerdont do an thats run. Im not sure yet what the jobs all about myself. I dont seem to be in the artilery any more an Im not in the doboys. Mugwump. Thats me all over, Mable. 

As far as I can make out the artilery send an oficer up to live withthe infantry an keep the doboy majors mind off the war. He plays studpoker with him an explains that those shells were Fritzes and not oursthat busted all over his prize company the other day. They dontbelieve each other cause nether of them thinks the other fello knowswhat hes talkin about so they get along pretty good. 

The artilery oficer has two runners with him in case he wants a cleanshirt or something from the battery. Me an Joe Mink just lie aroundand wait for something to happen. Nothin ever happens tho so we justlie around an wait. 

Were livin right up in the trenches now, Mable. Right down in themwould be more like it. This idear of comin into the war last certinlyhas advantages. Every time I look at all these trenches an holes Ifeel sorry for the poor fello what had to dig them. Whoever laid emout didnt seem to have much idear of where he wanted to go. Most ofthem wander around awhile an come back to where they started. All ofthem are as crooked as a plummers assistant. If anyone asks you wherea place is around here your safe in sayin right around the corner. 

[Illustration: "WERE LIVIN RIGHT UP IN THE TRENCHES NOW"]

Everywhere you step theres a foot of mud an water. If there wasnt somany corners you could get around better in a canoo. They gotsidewalks in most of the trenches they call duck boards. A duck boardis a lot of little slats nailed across a couple of wooden rails. Theway there laid it looks as tho somebody had walked along the top ofthe trench an dropped the seckshuns in. Some is upside down, some lapover each other, some is leanin agenst the sides of the trench an inthe deep places some isnt there at all. Joe Mink says it keeps a felloon his toes. 

Every four or five feet they leave out half a dozen slats. If you dontbreak your neck in one of these places they get the corners banked thewrong way so youll slide off an get drownd. If they miss you on thestraitaway theyll get you on the turns. 

The Lootenant sleeps with a couple of doboy oficers in a sekshun ofengine boiler set in the side of the trench. I sleep down in a placethat looks like an old mine. About the only way you could get a shellinto the thing would be to lower it down with a rope. Its the bestbillet Ive struck up here tho. Theres no windos for fresh air feendsto be monkeyin with all the time, an of course there aint no light toshine in your face when your tryin to sleep. The only trouble istheres seven fellos sleepin there an only five bunks so we got to taketurns sleepin. The floor is to muddy. 

That is to say, Mable, seven fellos an two hundred rats. I never usedto take much stock in those rat stories but I certinly take off my hatto them now. Thats about all you can take off unless you want to geteaten. These fellos will eat anything from the hobnails out of yourshoes to a bag of Bull. They make a goat look like a dispeptik. Youdont notice them while the candles are lit an your movin around. Assoon as you blow out the light an lie still, tho, you can hear themcomin out all over to have dinner off your equipment. 

They have what they call a runners bench outside the tin house wherethe Lootenant sleeps. Joe an I is supposed to take turns sittin there. Its something like the bell hops bench in a hotel only this is anactive front. You wont get that for a minit, Mable. All you can herewhen your sittin out there a fello inside saying "Hello. Pancake. Getoff the wire Peggy. I want Pancake. Pancake busy? Give me Pauline. Isthat you Purgatory? This is Pineapple speakin. "

After Id lissened to that for about half an hour I felt like the gategard of a bug house. I got hold of the Lootenant in a friendly way antold him Id go halves on my bunk with him cause I didnt think it wassafe to sleep with that fello. He might think he was a crum some nightan try to choke somebody. The Lootenant said that was just a way theyhad of telefonin up here. He said you never could tell when a Germanmight be lyin up on the roof or under a bunk lissenin to you. Onaccount of that nobody called anybody else by there right name. Forinstance he said they called the General Pancake an the Colonel Peggyan this place was called Pineapple. 

The more I thought about it the more it sounded like a good sensibleidear to me. I went in an told the Lootenant that unless he hadsomething better I thought Id call him Prune juice from then on. Hesaid Id guessed wrong unless I wanted to act as a stone crusher on aroad gang. The trouble with most of these fellos is there to stuck upto play the game. Its all right to call a General Pancake or a ColonelPeggy but you want to watch out what you call a 2nd Lootenant. 

Well Mable, if what they say is true the doboys will be goin overpretty soon. The Lootenant says were goin with em. Its about as gooda chance to pick up a few first hand soovenirs as a fello could want. In case anything happens like my gettin killed or such dont botherabout goin into mornin or buyin a lot of new letter paper. Just givethem that pictur of me standin in front of the American flag. An whenthe reporters call for details remember the skies the limit. 

 yours until the Fritzes get me _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Its nobodies fault but the Fritzes that you aint gettin anextinguished service medal insted of this letter. A couple of morninsafter I rote you last Joe woke me up an said they were puttin on abattle upstairs. From the way they were shootin things up he thoughtthey ought to be down in the dug-out in a little while. Joes the kindof a fello that gets you up an hour before theres any need for it. Itold him to call me when he heard them at the top of the stairs. Practical. Thats me all over, Mable. Then I turned over to get somesleep. 

Then the Lootenant came runnin down cussin an swearin because the fonewas busted. He told us wed have to go back to the battery an tell emto snap out of it an show the Fritzes that it took two to make anargument. From where we was the Fritzes seemed to be puttin up apretty good argument all alone an most of it seemed to be goin in thedireckshun of the battery. But Joe says Sailor Gare so we started offdown the road. There was plenty of noise out there. It was awful foggybut you could see the red flashes once in a while when one of them litin a field near the road. 

Every time one busted Joe would duck into a ditch. He had me doin itpretty soon. The more we ducked the more we couldnt help it till wewas goin down the road like a couple of Rushin dancers. Then we brokeall the rules of the runners union an ran. 

We didnt have no trouble findin the Captin cause we knew just where tolook. Just as we started to go down in his dug-out we heard a big onecomin and both landed together at the bottom. After a fellos face getsbroken in to goin down stairs that way its the easiest way. The Captinwas awful sore. He wanted to know what the this an that we meant bycomin in without knockin. That fello would want you to salute if youhad both arms shot off. I didnt say nothin. Just gave him theLootenants message. 

That seemed to make him madder still. He pushed the papers around onhis desk an said didnt that one thing an another Lootenant know hecouldnt get fire without orders from regimental headquarters. An didnthe know that regimental headquarters couldnt give any order till theywas asked for it by doboy headquarters. An why the this an that didntwe go to the doboys if we wanted some fire. 

Id like to have told him where to go to get some fire. I just salutedtho, an said "Yes sir. " Spirited. Thats me all over, Mable. Then wewent back to pass the buck to the Lootenant. The doboy oficers was allsittin around tellin him how good the Inglish artilery was. A coupleof hours later when Joe an I was havin breakfast we heard the batteryfire about twenty shots. The doboys said it was lucky we didnt fireany more cause they was probably all shorts anyway. That dont meanthat they were a different size or anything, Mable. A short is a shellthat hasnt got the ambishun. 

I went up to an artilery observashun post with the Lootenant the otherday. Only it isnt a post but a round tin house like a ticket officeset in the trenches on top of a hill. Theres a slit cut in the frontto look thru. The Lootenant showed me where Nobodies land was. I couldsee the Fritz trenches runnin in front of a piece of woods about halfa mile away. They must have all been away on a furlo or somethingcause there wasnt as much as a fly sittin over there. 

This is a great place for soovenirs. I got a lot of buttons, a pieceof shell, a couple of bones I found stickin out of the trench an aFritz hand grenade. As soon as I can find a box Im goin to send youthe whole bunch. I wouldnt monkey with the hand grenade much. Itdoesnt look as if it had ever exploded. Give it to Archie Wainwrightan tell him its a trench warmer. Maybe hell stick it in the fire. 

[Illustration: "IT DOESNT LOOK AS IF IT HAD EVER EXPLODED"]

In the afternoon when things is quiet an everybodies asleep we go outan throw hand grenades at the rats. Thats good sport cause you got tobe quick or youll get your self insted of a rat. Joe Mink had to spoilit of course by blowin in dug outs. Hed have been all right if hedpicked old dug outs but he wasnt satisfied till hed found one with afello comin up the stairs. I dont see yet tho why there was such aholler raised. The old thing didnt go off. It just caught the fello inthe stummick an knocked some wind out. He blacked Joes eyes an thenwent to the Major. Joes back in the eschelon now groomin horses. AngusMacKenzie has come up in his place so Im just as satisfied. 

I guess were goin across pretty soon now. Then Ill be able to get ahelmet an a looger pistel an a pair of feel glasses. I guess theFritzes are gettin scared. I hope there not as scared as I am. 

 yours indefinitely _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Since I rote you last I been over the top with the doboys, taken awoods that I cant see why anybody wanted, an collected enuff soovenirsto equip a South American army. Im ritin this from a Fritz dug-out inthe middle of the woods on Fritz oficers paper. If Id telefoned ahedhe couldnt have had things fixed up better for me. There was a lunchout on the table an blankets an even clean underclose (if youll excusemy menshuning them). They used to have electric lights here butsomebody soovenired the dinamo so they wont work. 

The nite before we went over four more artilery runners came up. I astthe Lootenant if they was plannin to send any doboys over to help usin the attack. He said there had to be a lot of runners sos that whentwo went back with a message an got killed he could send two more. Always cheery an bright, the Lootenant. 

The nite before the attack we went up to a tunnel thats dug rightunder a hill an has got rooms in it an everything. Those fellos didntseem to care how many shovels they wore out. We got into it down along flight of steps in the pitch dark where I like to have broke myneck. Then down a long passage feelin your way along the road. Everyfour or five feet somebody would run into you an cuss you. 

At last we came round a bend an there was all the doboys sittin in themud eatin supper an smokin. The only lights they had was pieces ofcandle stuck up on there equipment. It looked like the whole army wasin that tunnel an all smokin at the same time. The Lootenant told usto make ourselves comfortable then he disappeared into one of therooms off to the side. 

About ten o'clock all the doboys got up an went out. Then we sat inthe mud and waited for three hours. Angus found some duck boards andwent to sleep. 

Some time after midnite a lot of oficers came out of the room. Wewalked thru the tunnel so far that I figgered that we must be cominout somewhere behind the German lines. At last we climed a flight ofstairs an there we were right out doors. Id expected thered be anawful battle goin on by that time but everything was as quiet aschurch except for a few big ones that would sail over every once in awhile. The stars were all out just like it was an ordinary nite. Wewalked along a lot of paths an fell over a lot of old barb wire, thendropped into a trench. It struck me that was the time to go acrosswhile things were quiet. But I heard the doboy Major say that therewas only four more hours to wait. These fellos are worse than yourfamily for gettin to places on time. 

Everything was quiet for a long time. Then all of a sudden all theguns in the world began bangin away at the same minit. Over the top ofthe hill behind us an as far as you could see ether way it was justone big flash. Then the shells began racin over, squealin an whisselinan rumblin along like they was racin each other to see who was gointo get first crack at the Fritzes. 

Every one of them seemed to have its own speshul whissel tied onto it. Some of them rumbled along like a fast train hittin a down grade. Somewould just sing an hum to themselves sort of quiet an happy whileothers would go yellin an screamin across like the fire department onan exhibishun run. There was one bunch that squealed like a trollygoin round a turn on dry rails. You sort of felt as if someone oughtto grease it. 

Besides all these noises over our heads there was the poundin anhammerin behind us from the guns themselves. The big fellos just boomboomed away like a bunch of base drums. Up nearer tho it was like amountin of giant fire crackers goin off together. Then thered be a letup for a second like a fello thats awful mad but runs out of words. After that theyd go at it agen harder than ever. 

The best part of it was that most of them was our own shells. TheFritzes didnt seem to get into the spirit of the thing at all. Everyfew minutes theyd sail over a big one right near the tunnel where wecame out. That was about as safe a place as he could have put em causethere wasnt anybody there. 

At first the noise an everything gave a fello something to thinkabout. After a while tho you got used to it just like you do toNiagra Falls or a steam radiator. Then there wasnt anything to do butget cold an ask about the time. A couple of doboys got tellin eachother what kind of a dinner theyd order if they was some place wherethey wasnt. Whenever you get uncomfortable enuff a couple of felloslike that always show up. I slid down in the bottom of the trenchwhere it was a little warmer an tried to smoke a cigaret under myhand. I must have dropped off to sleep cause the next thing I knew Iwas all doubled up in the bottom of the trench an half froze. I heardsomebody say "Fifteen minites more. " The guns was goin it harder thanever. If we hadnt won that scrap wed have had to knock off the war fora couple of months till they got some more amunishun. 

Goin over wasnt much. Id read so many things about how you felt justbefore an just when an just after that I tried to figger just how Idid feel. I was so cold I couldnt feel anything tho. I was thinkinabout this when somebody says "Snap out of it ahead there. Theregoin. " An there was the Lootenant boostin the Major out of the trenchan a lot of doboys with their rifles in there hands hurryin along thetop an disappearin in the fog. 

[Illustration: "THERE WAS THE LOOTENANT BOOSTIN THE MAJOR OUT OF THETRENCH"]

Just as we got out of the trench the worst noise started I ever heard. It made all the shootin that went before sound like a fello drummin onthe table with a couple of knives. Even the machine guns was in itthis time. They sounded like a rivitin competishun in a ship yard. Iheard somebody say "There goes our machine gun barrage. I hope theyget it over our heads. " He struck me as a pretty sensible fello. 

Somebody had marked the place up with tape like a tennis court. Wefollowed along one of these till we came to another tape runnin thesame way as the trenches. There was a lot of doboys lyin down there ana lot of others comin up thru the fog, half runnin, half walkin an allof them stooped over like they was carryin something heavy. 

In front it was just fog. We could see red flashes runnin thru it likebubbles in boilin water where the shells from our barrage was bustin. The fog didnt go very high cause you could make out a little blue skyonce in a while. Then right thru the top of it came tearin out aregular fourth of July celebrashun of Fritz fireworks. They were justlike the rockets at Weewillo Park that spit out long snakes of goldfire like a broom when they bust. The nearer that barrage came to theFritz trenches the faster they went up all along the line. 

We lay there a few minites till everybody came up. The thing thatstruck me now was that I wasnt scared. Id been more afraid of beinscared than anything else. Then the Major got up an started on witheverybody else taggin along with him. It was to foggy to see what washappenin on each side. We went down a hill. It got swampy an we strucksome duck boards. Somebody must have been over before us an put themdown. If they could get around as easy as that it beat me what theywere makin all this fuss for. 

All around us was big shell holes filled with water. They gave theAmericans a second hand battle field to begin on. The French had usedit lots of times before. Once I lost sight of the Lootenant an steppedoff the duck boards to pass some doboys. It was like steppin into awell. There didnt seem to be any bottom to it. I grabbed hold of adoboy that was goin by but he pushed me back agen an says "Who thethis an that do you think your mawlin around here?" Then somebody gaveme a hand. What I needed more than a tin derby was a pair of waterwings. I didnt feel cold any more tho. 

Something happened to the duckboards an we was wadin in mud to ourknees. Every once in a while Id slip into a shell hole an then Id haveto run to catch up agen. That Major must have been brought up inIndiana the way he got thru the mud. My rapped leggins began to shrinkan the cavs of my legs hurt something awful. But we kept goin an goinwithout ever gettin to the Fritz trenches. 

After a while we came to a little creek about ten foot wide withbushes along each side. The Major an a couple of the oficers justjumped right in an waded across. It wasnt much over there waste but itlooked awful cold an black slippin along thru the fog. The doboysstood for a minit on the bank shivering like a dog when you throw astick he wants in a pond he knows is cold. 

I wish you could have heard the Major cuss. He had a line that wouldhave driven a team of mules without reins or a whip. Naturally havingotten all wet he couldnt see callin the battle off there. Pretty soonsome doboy jumped in right where hed gone over. Then it seemed likethe whole army was fightin to get across in that one place. Of coursethey had the whole creek to pick from but somehow nobody thought ofthat till everything was all over. 

All this time I kept thinkin how we was most across Nobodies land an Iwasnt scared yet. I got so cocky about it I stopped to light a cigaretjust to show the doboys that a battle or so didnt make no differenceto me one way or the other. But we were thru the swamp now an my legshurt agen. We came to a road runnin right down the middle of NobodiesLand. The Major stopped here an sent out fellos to see where the restof the outfit was. The fog was still so thick you couldnt see nothinan you couldnt hear nothin of course on acount of the racket. 

All of a sudden a flock of machine guns got under way at the sametime. There was a noise all around like a bunch of fellos whisselinthru there teeth. Everyone dropped down in the grass. I lay so closeto the ground I bet I was a foot wider than usual. Then I knew thereason I hadnt been scared before was because nobodied been firin atus till now. Fightin is good fun, Mable, as long as the bullets areall goin the same way as you are. I dropped my cigaret when I floppeddown. Now I could smell it burnin a hole thru my coat. I wouldnt haveraised up enuff to pull it out tho if it had burned a hole right thrume. 

As soon as the whisselin let up a little the Major jumped up an sayshow he didnt know where the rest of the army was but we wasnt goin tolie there an rot. I didnt feel as if I was goin to rot for quite awhile but I didnt like to get left behind so I tagged along. We passedtwo or three of our fellos that was done in. Then a bunch of barb wirewith a couple of doboys workin like hell with wire clippers. Ourshells had busted it up pretty good but there was an awful lot tobust. 

Just as we got thru the wire somebody says "Look out. " A Fritz wasrunnin toward us thru the fog. His hands was floppin over his headkind of loose an he was makin the queerest noises I ever heard. Theway I imagine a sheep would if youd kicked it. 

His helmet was so big it looked more like a tin sunbonnet. He wasjust a kid an the scardest one I ever seen. We didnt have time tosoovenir him. Somebody just planted him an awful kick that sent himacross the barb wire an out of sight thru the fog in the direcshun ofour lines. 

[Illustration: "HIS HELMET LOOKED LIKE A TIN SUNBONNET"]

Something else moved up ahead. We yelled at it but it didnt say nothinso a couple of doboys dropped down an fired. We passed him a minitlater. He was layin on his back with one arm still floppin a littlelike a fello thats restless in his sleep. 

We were right in the Fritz trenches now. They were the ones Id seen afew days before from the observashun post. Everybody seemed to havecleared out except a few that was beyond clearin. There machine gunswas layin around still hot. The doboys just distributed a few bumsinto the dug-outs like salvashun army tracks. Then we climed out anwent on. 

The woods werent more than half a minit from the trenches. We ranright into them before we knew it. Everybody just busted into thebushes but I tell you Mable, it was worse than takin a cold bath inwinter. I expected to fall into a machine gun nest any minit. Nobodytried to stop us tho. It looked as tho theyd all beat it. Pretty soonI came to a road all made out of boards. Id lost the Lootenant and theMajor by this time but there was a lot of doboys around an it lookedas tho the show was all over anyway. Just as we stepped out on theroad about a dozen Fritzes came runnin down with there hands floppinover there heads an blattin like the first one had. Some doboy made apass at one of them with a bayonet just for fun. He started to whinelike a kid. No matter how scared I ever get Mable Ill never be asscared as these Fritzes an thats sayin a goodeel. 

Things seemed pretty well over so I stopped to help the doboyssoovenir this bunch. I just took a few buttons an a helmet offen one. He had red hair. Most of them wanted us to take everything they had. Then I started up the road to see if I could find the Lootenant an theMajor an a looger pistel. There was a bunch of us all together. I dontknow just how it happened but I guess there must have been a machinegun planted at a bend in the road just ahead of us. It cut loose assoon as the last prisoner had started for the rear. I could hear thoseold pills whisselin thru there teeth at me as they went past. A coupleof the doboys dropped without lettin out a sound an I made a move thatwould have deceived the quickest eye. I never saw a road cleared soquick in my life. An there I lay beside the board road, Mable, lissenin to the machine gun bullets playin she loves me she loves menot with the daisies over my head. 

I hated to lose that helmet havin taken it off the Fritz myself an hehavin red hair an the like. So I slipped it into an openin under theroad. Then I noticed everybody else crawlin away thru the bushes so Icrawled after them havin nothin else to do. 

After Id crawled till it seemed like I must be pretty near out of thewoods an the knees of my trousers I stood up. When I looked around forthe doboys there wasnt any. All I could hear was rivitin machines anshells bustin all around me. An the bullets was criss-crossin thru thebushes like a bunch of draggin flies. It seemed like a useless placefor an artilery fello to be in. 

Well, Mable, Im goin to quit now cause one of the doboy runners isgoin back an I want to give him this letter. I am enclosin some mud Ipicked up in Nobodies Land. It may help to give you some idear of thecountry. 

 Yours to the last Fritz _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

I never thought Id be ritin such long letters that Id have to begettin them off my chest on the instalment plan. Ive sharpened mypencil so ofen there aint hardly enuff left to hang onto. Thereshellin the woods today. Every time one lands anywhere near the dugout something seems to break the point. 

Well, Mable, in my last letter I left myself standin all alone in themiddle of the woods lissenin to a lot of things flyin round my headthat arent in no bird book. I was beginnin to think wether, havin lostthe Lootenant an the Major, I hadnt ought to go back to my battery. Duty before plesure. Thats me all over, Mable. Just then I heardsomeone comin thru the woods. 

That was the worst minit of my life except once when I had to make aspeech in High School. I decided if it was goin to be my last Id spendit as private as I could so I stepped behind a bush. Whoever was cominseemed to have the spring halt. Hed come a little way. Then hed stop. Then hed come a little. I couldnt figger where I had any call to actas a Fritz recepshun comittee so I started to crawl away. Just as Istuck my head around the bush I saw something that made me lie downagen so hard I bet the ground is still stamped with the eagels on mybuttons. It was only the end of a shoe passin thru the brush aboutfifteen feet away. There are times tho when an old shoe can look worsethan your granfathers gost sittin on the end of your bed makin facesat you. 

[Illustration: "I STUCK MY HEAD AROUND THE BUSH"]

I lay there for what seemed like a couple of days. I didnt dare rollover on my back for fear of makin a noise an I didnt dare stay on myface for fear of somebody makin a pincushun out of me while I wasntlookin. I was tryin to think out some way of not doin ether when thequeerest noise you ever heard started on the other side of the bush. It was like water comin back into a facet after its been shut off fora while. I could feel my tin derby pull right up offen my head. Thenoise kept gettin loud an ended up with a sneeze. You couldnt havelifted me higher with a shell. I never was gladder tho to hear asneeze cause I knew who that belonged to. I could have told itblindfolded in a milyun. 

I was so glad to find Angus I forgot he didnt know I was there an ranaround the bush. He was lying in a bunch of briars all red in the facefrom trying to hold in. When he heard me comin he threw up both hands. Then when he saw who it was he tried to make out he was stretchin. 

Angus said hed been crawlin around the woods tryin to find somebodytill he saw me duck behind a bush. Hed been layin there ever sincetryin to decide wether to shoot me an take a chance on missin or laythere till I died a natshural death. It was easy to see tho that wewouldnt win anything but a wooden cross hangin round there so wewalked thru the woods till we ran into about twenty doboys. One ofthem said they was after a machine gun nest that was holdin things up. Even that was better than snoopin around alone an we followed alonglike a couple of dogs after a parade. 

Well, Mable, the doboys is ether awful brave or awful stupid. Theymight have been after birds nests the way they went at it. Nobody butme seemed to figger that we might be comin up in front of thatmachine gun insted of behind it. It was just beginnin to strike methat this didnt have much to do with an artilery runner when a coupleof the doboys off to one side began throwin hand grenades. I heard alot of cussin an when we got up there was five Fritzes standin in apit with a machine gun. There hands was up in the air except for acouple that didnt count. 

It was the first time Id seen them doin any real soldierin. An do youknow, Mable, there wasnt a woman among em. They wasnt even chained tothere guns. Theres something wrong with this war or else the stylesare changin. 

One of the doboys took them back. They were a pretty poor lot an didnthave anything worth while with them. The doboys seemed to have someidear where they were goin so we stuck along. They went down in a fewdug outs. In one of them we found six Fritzes an four looger pistels. That made everybody feel pretty good except the fellos that was leftout. They voted solid it was a rotten show. The machine guns was offmore to one side now but it seemed like they was throwin a lot ofshells around without much regard to where we was. 

We came out on a road an ran into a doboy Captin an two or three men. Havin nothin better to do we followed him. He turned up a littlerailroad track like the one that used to run around the county fairfor a dime. It twisted along thru the woods without seemin to come outmuch of anyplace. Then we came round a bend an about fifty yards awaywas a gang of Fritzes stokin shells into four whoppin big guns as fastas they could fire them out. 

The next thing I knew I was runnin down that little track behind theCaptin. Quite a ways behind, Mable. Everybody was cussin like amule-skinner. Angus was sayin things in Skotch I bet hed hate to haverote down as his last words. But the Fritzes didnt seem to have noidear of makin them that. They stopped for one look an dove in thebushes like a bunch of rabbits. All except a few that was to scared torun. They just stood an gobbled at us. 

It seemed to me wed done something worth sittin around an havin apostmortem about. But the Captin just rote the name of his company onone of the guns with a piece of chalk. Then he lit his pipe an startedoff down the track agen. We came out on a road after a while an therewas the Major an a whole lot of doboys. The doboys was sittin on therailroad track, smokin cigarets an watchin the shells bust in thewoods all around them like they was at a baseball game. A squad ofFritzes was puttin a few of our doboys on stretchers an carryin themoff down the road. 

Well, Mable, there aint much more to tell. The Major sent me over to atin house where the Lootenant was. I found him dryin off by an oldFritz stove an eatin somebodies Irun Rashuns. I never could find outwhen the battle was offishully over. There was machine guns poppinaway all the afternoon but nobody seemed to be botherin much aboutthem. I guess they just got sick of it an quit. Anyway they were goneby night. 

Now were lyin around takin it easy. We fire at the Fritzes all day anthey fire back at us. They havnt interfered with my meals yet tho solet them go to it. Every dug out has been turned inside out. I guessthe Fritzes dont get charged for losin equipment like we do. From theamount of stuff we found they must get pretty near undressed beforethey run away. 

Ive just been figgerin up the total victory with Angus. We got fiveloogers, two pair of feel glasses (one broke), a gold watch that canbe fixed, three pocket fulls of buttons, a lot of letters we cant readan four belts. As for helmets an gas masks an the like all you got todo is reach your hand out the dug out door. If we could only soovenira Ford truck to carry all this stuff wed be fixed. 

Im goin to quit now an get some sleep. Angus says lay up all you canwhile you have a chance. Hes laid up enuff to last him the rest of hislife since Ive known him. 

 Yours as long as it lasts _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Ive heard so many shells floatin over this old wood in the last weekthat they dont mean much more to me now than the postmans whissel. Only I hope I dont ever hear one stop an turn in here cause I ainthankerin to be evakuated like a pictur puzzle. 

Im sleepin with the doboy runners. If you want to know anything aboutthe war thats the place to live. 

Yesterday the Lootenant called me over to his dug out an said he wasgoin to establish a couple of observashun posts. I thanked him an saidId seen all I wanted to so if it was the same to him Id stay in ankeep my eye on the soovenirs. As soon as he saw I had something elseto do hed have dragged me out if Id only had one leg to walk on. 

The Lootenant loaded everything he could think of onto my back. Iwouldnt have been surprised if hed ended up by climin on himself. Ifyou could win this war with telescopes an things it would have beenover three days after he got into it. We went to a place where theDutch had built a platform way up in a tree on the edge of the woods. The Lootenant an a doboy oficer climed up. They was up there so longwe thought theyd probably found an old machine gun nest an gone tosleep in it. 

While we was sittin under the tree plannin how wed improve the armyif it was ours we heard an airyplane comin. You could tell by thenoise it was flyin low. We figgered if it was a Dutch plane theLootenants was up a tree more ways than one cause they stuck up abovethe rest of the woods like a sore thum. Pretty soon we could see itthru the branches an sure enuff there was the irun cross painted onthe bottom. It came up to the tree an circled round it. Then it openedup its machine gun at it an flew away with a trail of yellow smokecomin out its hind end. 

You ought to have seen those two Lootenants come down. They beat everylaw of gravity old man Newton ever passed. The Lootenant said theydfixed that observashun post all right an now he was goin to put upanother one on the other side of the woods. He thought this next onewould be better on the ground. 

[Illustration: "YOU OUGHT TO HAVE SEEN THOSE TWO LOOTENANTS COME DOWN"]

The next place we stopped was a little clearin on the side of a hill. You could look right across the Moose river an see where our shellswas landin in a grave yard right near a Fritz town. Some of thesefellos certinly is there. The Fritzes was gettin back at us by shellinour doboys near where we was workin. Thats the way they do. When weshell the Fritz doboys they come right back at us an shell ours. Its acase of you kick my dog an Ill kick yours. Thats a nice arrangementfor everybody but the doboys. 

The Lootenant set up a little table an began squintin thru someglasses like he was goin to lay a railroad thru to Berlin. Thenshh-bang an one of those little Hungry Awstrian guns lit in the woodsbehind us. Those things dont lie around in the sun decidin wetherthere goin to be duds or not I can tell you. I dont stand aroundwaitin to find out ether. Im gettin so I can drop quicker than a warstock. When that thing lit we was all standin round watchin theLootenant. When it started distributin itself around there wasntnobody in sight. A couple of others came right after it closer still. 

After a while I heard the Lootenant say "Its so comfortable in here Ihate to get out. " Like he was takin a hot bath or something. Only hedidnt fool nobody that way. When it looked like the Hungry Awstrianshad quit everybody began poppin out of the ground agen. As soon as wewas all up shh-bang. Angus cut his eye on a rock in the bottom of ashell hole. Hell be able to give pointers to Annie Kellerman when hegets home. If he ever gets wounded Ill bet itll be in the sole of thefoot. 

After that the Lootenant decided he wouldnt keep us out any longer. Hewas afraid wed miss our mess. The war is changin some people. 

Well Mable Ill rite you agen in a few days if I dont get put ondetached service with the Angels. 

 until then yours exclusively _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

I suppose you thought I was dead for the last two weeks. You was sonear to right a couple of times I wanted to get something definite onit before I rote you. I been havin newmonya now in the hospittle forten days. I havnt been so sore since I had the mumps Crismus vacashun. After duckin half the shells the Croup people ever turned out I had toget hit with a cold in the head. I bet I get the chicken pox on myhoneymoon. 

An now here I am holdin down an irun cot that creeks when you turnover, missin all the fun an not even goin to get a wound stripe. Theworst of it they tell me I got as much chance of gettin back to mybattery as I havin of catchin the Croun Prince. They say like as notIll land in some Steva Dora regiment in the SOS or in the M. P. S. Theydont seem to have nothin to do in this army but take you from whereyou want to be an put you where you dont. 

But I aint goin to complain, Mable. I told em that after Id been herefour days. All I say is if they dont let me out of this hole tootsweet Im goin to get up an beat it an die on the road. Then perhapstheyll wish they had. 

Theres not a blessed thing to do but wait for mess an lissen to thefello lie in the next bed. He can make Annie Nias look like MarthaWashington before hes been talkin five minites. He says that when hegot hit the shells was fallin around him so fast that the only way hesaved his life was by deflectin them off with a bayonet. Two of themcame at him at once an he got mixed up. I ast him why he didnt catchone on the back of his neck like the fello does the cannon balls inthe vawdeville show. The nurse told me yesterday he got his foot runover by a truck. Everybody spends there time tellin how they used toshake dice with death every mornin before breakfast. It works out allright cause nobody believes anybody else an it gives them goodpractice for when they go home. 

Its a funny thing about the fello in the next bed. I came in two daysafter he did. Four days after he got here he came down with newmonya. I got it two days later. He died last night. But of course that dontnecesarily mean nothin. Cheerful an bright to the last gasp. Thats meall over, Mable. Of course I dont want you to worry cause that wouldmake me worry an theres no tellin what that would bring on. 

Well, Mable, I got a big surprise for you. I guess itll take a loadoffen your mind. You know all that stuff we been readin in the warstories about hospittles an the like. It all goes the same. "The nextthing the fello knew he was lyin between snowy white sheets an abutiful vizun was bendin over him. She had vilet eyes an was full oftears like shed been cryin or something. An she smooths out his pilloan says 'Your better now. '" That smoothin out the pillo always seemsto cure em. Well, Mable, Im sorry to say thats all bunk--every word ofit. 

When I first heard they were goin to send me to a hospittle behind thelines I didnt care a bit. I wanted to have a look at a vilet eyednurse. Accordin to the books they usuly turn out to be Dutcheses orsomebody. I was plannin to look up in her eyes an say "This must beheven. Do you happen to have any lemonade?" Or something mushy likethat. Then shed cry some more an like as not put a stick in thelemonade. 

[Illustration: "'DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY LEMONADE?'"]

Of course I wouldnt have married her or nothin. In the first place allthe churches over here is knocked down an besides I got other plans ifI ever get a chance between wars. 

The thing started off all wrong by my not bein unconshus when theybrought me in. I didnt even ride in on a stretcher. I was a sittincase. They walk. Before I could get into the place at all I had toreport to a sargent. He ast me so many questions I thought I must havestruck some recruitin stashun an might be enlistin agen. I pretty nearhad heart failure for a minit. The sargent told me report to Ward 19. You never go anywhere in the army. You report. Theyd have a fello inhis coffin report to his grave if they could. 

When they built Ward 19 they took all the joy out of it by makin itlook like a barracks. Insted of a vilet eyed nurse there was a blearyeyed Captin sittin in a little room in front. He didnt look as if hedbeen to bed since the war started. I says "Sir, Private Smith reportsto be sick in Ward 19. " Nobody cried or looked at me with tears inthere eyes. The Captin just says "What the this an that is the matterwith those fellos up there do they think this is the only hospittle inFrance? Lets see your card. "

He called an orderly who showed me an empty bed where I was to besick. Then he says "If you want anything to eat you better get yourclose off. " Just like a fello couldnt eat right with his close on. Anhe says "You dont have to set your dirty shoes on the blanketsnether. "

After Id got into bed the nurse came along to take my temperment. Iaint goin to say nothin agenst that nurse tho. She was all right an itwasnt her falt she didnt have vilet eyes. As for cryin, Mable, she wastoo busy to have shed a tear if you shoved a peck of onyuns under hernose. I never saw anybody work so hard. Shed make a good wife for theTop sargent. It would make him happy to sit around an watch her. 

Well, Mable, if you dont get another letter from me youll probably getone from the local congressman explainin why. If the worst come toworst tell your father I didnt bear no grudge agenst him. I wasthinkin yesterday about a little motto or something for my toomstone. I sort of like this one. I showed it to the nurse. She said she neversaw anything like it on anybodies toomstone so I guess itll be allright. 

 Here lies the body of Bill Smith, dead For the good of the service, with a cold in his head Tho hed felt (without duckin) the bullets breeze He was called aloft by an ordinary sneeze. 

 yours hopefully _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

All kinds of things has happened since I rote you last. In the firstplace I didnt die of newmonya like I said I was goin to but I bet Ihad the government worried about my insurance a couple of times. Oneday they put a bunch of us in an ambulance an drove off. Nobody knewwhere we was goin except that it was toward the front. It seemed goodalmost to hear those old guns bangin away just like Id never beengone. An then the first person I saw when they let me out was the Topsargent. Itll give you an idear how glad I was to get back to theoutfit when I say I could have kised him, whissel an all. 

Im riting this way down in a Dutch dug-out. Upstairs there shellin allthe time. War certinly has changed since I went to the hospittle. Youtake more chances goin to mess up here than you did goin over the topwhen this all started. In half an hour, I got to go on gas gard. Thatmeans I stand in front of the dug out an when I smell something I blowa klaxon. If any old Ford ever sneaks up behind me when I get home anblows a klaxon theyll probably see me clap my derby over my face andive into a coal hole. 

Theyve thrown so much gas at us lately that its gettin on the mensnerves as well as there close. Most of the fellos would yell gas ifyou threw a pot of geraniums into the dugout. Somebody stepped onAnguses hand while he was asleep yesterday an he put some iodine onit. He woke up in the middle of the night an smelt it. He had uswearin our gas masks pretty near the rest of the night. But we--

Ive forgot what I was goin to say there. I bet Ive got gray hairssince I rote that last line. Just as I got to the "we" I heard the oldklaxon squawk. When I felt around my chest for my gas mask it wasntthere. It was worse than findin yourself on the street car without anickel on the way to your own weddin. I sat there wonderin how long Icould hold my breth till I almost busted a lung. Then I remembered itwas on my knee under the letter where Id been usin it for a ritindesk. Theyd have sent me back to the States as gas instructor if theycould have seem me put on that mask. Chained lightenin. Thats me allover, Mable. 

All we do nowdays is move. Back in the States it used to take us 24hours to get ready for a hike. Now were lucky if we get 24 minits. Weexpect anything an we havnt been disappointed so far. Like the othernite when we were on our way to this place. It was rainin as usual. Wed pitched pup tents in the woods an had just gotten to sleep. Angusan I was bunkin together on some hay that hed pulled of a forage wagonthat was caught in a jam. We was lissenin to the rain an sayin howlucky we was not to be out in it. That is nothin but our feet an therealways wet so they dont count. Its funny how different rain soundsbeatin on the sides of a pup tent an on a tin derby. 

I went to sleep an dreamed I was on a train just pullin intoPhilopolis. I looked out the windo an saw your father on the platformwith a whissel in his mouth. He was blowin it an dancin around like amad monkey. Then I woke up an the Top was standin outside blowin onhis whissel like he was tryin to blow the pea out of it an sayin "Fallin. Harness an hitch. "

Well, Mable, to say that bunch was sore was like callin Niagra Fallspretty. I dont supose you ever tried to make a blanket roll in thepitch dark an six inches of mud. It comes out like a jelly roll onlymud insted of jelly. 

[Illustration: "TRIED TO MAKE A BLANKET ROLL IN SIX INCHES OF MUD"]

About midnight the Top came from somewhere an says "Unhitch anunharness. Put up your pup tents. We aint agoin to move. "

I never saw so much mud. Mud seems to go with the army just likemonkey meat an Top sargents an first calls. 

Theres been a whole lot of talk about peace lately. Angus says theressome Dutch oficers comin thru here in an automobile to see GeneralFosh about an armistice. An armistice is awful tecknickle, Mable. About the only way I can explain it is that you dont quit fightin onlyyou do. I may be eatin gobbler at Thanksgivin yet. 

Just now I got to quit cause theres no armistice yet an Im supposed togo on gas gard at five o'clock. Its six now. The fello thats on gardhas been yellin down the stairs at me fer an hour so I guess Ill go upan see whats the trouble. Hes an awful nervus fello. 

 yours till I come off gas gard _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

The war is over. Finney le gare. The six inch head lines lost theirjob at leven oclock Monday mornin. Its so quiet you can almost hearit. It sure will be a come down when we have to look at picturs in theSunday papers of the Prince of Whales visitin a tooth pick factory anthe flower show at Passadinner. 

It wasnt much of an endin to a worlds champeenship scrap. Id alwaysthought that when they ended wars like this they lined up same as inthe pictur your father has of whats his name surrenderin tothingumbob at Yorktown. I thought General Fosh would come ridin out ona big white horse an General Hinderberg on a big black one. Hed handFosh his sord or whissel or whatever it is that Generals carrynowdays. Then everybody would cheer, the bands would bust out with theStar Spangled Banner an it would be just like after the fello rides abicicle over five elefants in the circus. After that wed hand our gunsover to some museum an go home. Somehow or other it was to big topeter out the way it did. 

We fired off an on Sunday night an then quit when it got daylight. Most of the fellos were down in the dug outs catchin a little sleepexcept for the gards an a few others that was monkeyin aroundupstairs. Me an Angus was sittin in a little trench in front of thefirst gun. Angus was cleanin his revolver. I might have known fromthat that something out of the way was goin to happen. 

The Fritzes was sowin a big field in front of the battery with washboilers. Theyd been at it all mornin but about the only thing they waskillen was the grass. Not bein interested in the hay crop we wasntcallin them up to tell them about it. Every ten minites or so youcould feel a big one land. Then wed stick our heads up over the top ofthe trench an watch it throw up mud in the air like Old Faithlessguyser. 

We was talkin about the armistice. Angus said if it was sined up wewas to go to college in Ingland for six months or else to Rusha tofight the Slovo Checkracks or the Checko Swaybacks or somebody. Notwantin to do ether I couldnt see where the armistice was goin to do memuch good. 

Just then I saw the Top comin but it was to late to go anywhere. Hesays "I want you fellos to go an help unload a rashun truck thatsstuck in the mud down the road. An by the way, the wars over in aboutfive minits so dont go around shootin anybody after that unless youwant to land in the gard house. " I bet if the angel Gabriul stuck hishead out of a cloud an said the world was goin to end in twenty minitsall that would worry the Top would be thinkin up details to keep ussweatin that long. 

Thats about all there was to the end of the war as far as I wasconcerned. Angus says "Ill be damed. " Then he squinted thru his gun anhanded it over to me an says "See if you think thats rust up near thefront end. " We stopped everybody that came along an told them aboutit. Most of them would just say "Ill be damed. " Then theyd standaround for a minit thinkin it over an ask "When are we goin home?"Youd think me an Angus was runnin some kind of a Cooks toor. 

Things warmed up a little after it got dark. Everybody got therefireworks out an touched them off. It was the first time since webeen in the war that we found out what a lot of those rockets were. Itmade 4th of July look like Sunday in Philadelfia. 

Of course all anybody thinks about now is when there goin home. Mostof the fellos is expectin to help put the fires out on the familyCrismus tree. Theres a few of them thinks theyll be eatin homemadeturkey Thanksgivin. I wouldnt worry much if I was a turkey tho. 

Well, Mable, after all the baths I took last winter an all Ive beenrained on since I got here I finally adopted a pack of cooties. Iguess some Fritz left them in a dug out to starve. I dont know why itis that animals seem to take to me so. This bunch is so attached to meI havnt been able to shake them for two weeks. I used to think cootieswas funny just like you think slippin on a banana peel is funny tillits your slip. Now all I do is scratch, scratch, scratch. Thats me allover, Mable. 

[Illustration: "ALL I DO IS SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH"]

Im enclosin a blank slip they gave out today. Anybody that wants tosend a Crismus present has to have one. I wasnt goin to send it firstcause it sounded a little like I was expectin a present. Then Ifiggered Id just tell you I didnt want one an send it for a curiosity. 

I guess Ill see you in about a month. Its just a question of findinsomebody thats fool enuff to take these guns offen our hands. Youmight as well start oilin the victrola. You can tell your father hesgoin to sit down to the biggest dinner he ever tackeled the firstSunday after I get home, liver or no liver. 

 till then as always _Bill_

P. S. Im sendin half a dozen of those slips extra in case the first oneshould get lost or some of your friends wanted to send anything tosomebody over here. 

_Dere Mable:_

You couldnt guess where I am now. Im not to sure myself. All I know isit isnt the way home. A couple of days after the armistice was signedwe pulled the guns into what was left of a town. The Fritzes had justmoved out. Then the Captin told us there was an army goin into Germanyan we was to be part of it. It struck me as a pretty low trick whenwed told the Fritzes we was thru fightin to go right on pickin onthem. He said it was an honer. Im always leary of that. In the armyhoner an hard work are the same thing. 

We lay around four days before we started. The Lootenant said that wasto give the Fritzes a good start. I cant make out if were still at waror if this is some kind of a handicap race. We traveled a week tho anddidnt see one of them. I guess we gave up after that cause theyvelet us lie around here four or five days. They call this theProvidence of Luxemburg. Im glad we didnt have to fight our way here. 

Thanksgivin is over. You probably know that tho. I suppose we got alot to be thankful for but a fello gets a short memory when his brainsfull of mud. As far as I can see the turkeys had the most to crowabout this year. It might have been St. Patricks day for all we saw ofthem. We had stake an gravey an potatoes. The mess sargent said weought to be thankful it wasnt corn Willie. He could think up somereason why we ought to be grateful to him if he fed us nails. 

The people here wear wooden shoes an have big manure piles an noshapes. Theyll scrub the inside of the house till its so clean youcould eat offen the floor. Only I never could see any advantage inthat cause nobody in his right mind would want to eat there. Thentheyll build a manure pile right under the front windo. That aint sobad here as it would be home cause the only time they open the windosis when they want to throw something out. Then they shut em quick sosthey wont let out any air. I bet the greatest hardship the German armyhad was sleepin outdoors for four years. 

[Illustration: "THE PEOPLE HERE WEAR WOODEN SHOES AN HAVE NO SHAPES"]

Angus says the Providence of Luxemburg is run by a Dutchess thatsyoung an good lookin. I guess she must be a foriner. Shes never beenmarried which shows shes got pretty good taste from all Ive seenaround here. There sure will be great opportunities over here for ayoung fello after the war. 

Well, Mable, I dont think well be over here long. Angus says this isjust a kind of a parade to show the Fritzes how good we are. Im gladto hear your goin to a motor school. It certinly will be good when youhave a puncture not to have a bunch of wimmin hangin out of the tonnoaskin you if you want some candy an should they get out. 

 as ever sick of the army _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

We crossed into the Fodderland yesterday. After scrappin about it forfour years nobody seemed to give a rap any more than if wed beendraggin in a load of hay. You remember how the papers used to say ifwe ever drove the Fritzes back to Germany we could never get acrossthe border. Proper Gander, every word of it. They didnt even have afence around it. 

We just crossed a little river no wider than Silver Creek an there wewas. No screamin wimmin, no stray shots out of attiks, no awtrocities. Nobody even took the trouble to come out an hiss at us. It madeeverybody feel pretty low I can tell you. The only ones that took anyinterest at all was a bunch of kids in soldiers caps an stand upcollars like your father wears. They seemed to think we was goin toshow in their town an trotted along beside us to watch the big tent goup. 

Wed all been plannin for some time on committin a few good awtrocitiesas soon as we got into Germany just to liven things up a bit. 

As usual tho when the Captins runnin the party anything sporty isruled out. The only awtrocities hell let us commit is makin faces atthe Fritzes. The whole thing has been an awful disappointment. Thiscountry aint no diferent from France or the one we just left. It ainteven colored diferent like it is on the map. 

Theres a fello from Milwawke in our battery named Joe Bush. Itcertinly helps to have somebody around that speaks German. Last nightJoe told me hed found a regular bed in one of the Fritz houses thatthe oficers seemed to have missed. He traded me half of it for apackage of cigarets. Back to the hay barn for me tonite. 

A German bed is like a loaf of bread thats rose to much. Its so highyou need a chair to get onto it. I guess youd need a coroner if youever rolled off it. When I first got up on it I couldnt make out wherethe bed close was. Then I found there was two matdresses, one aboutfour feet thick an the other on top about a foot thick. Your supposedto sleep between them like a sanwidge. The little matdress is builtso it just reaches from your neck to your ankles if you aint to tall. You can get the idear by lyin down an puttin a sofa pillo over you. Ether the Fritzes has awful tuff feet or there built like a pocketdrinkin cup. I tried rollin up like a dog till Joe caught onto it to. 

[Illustration: "A GERMAN BED IS LIKE A LOAF OF BREAD THATS ROSE TOMUCH"]

Well, Mable, in about an hour I felt like I was in the hot room of aTurks bath. I dont see how the Germans is so fat if they sleep betweenthese things. 

The young girl in a kimony on the cover of the Murad boxes gives youan idear how you sleep on a German bed. I never knew why she looked sodiscouraged before. 

The old fello that owned the bed seemed kind of scared at first. Iguess he thought after we found what it was like we might commit a fewawtrocities just to put us to sleep. 

We agreed to call off the awtrocities if hed leave his Frow cook us upa mess of waffles toot sweet. Frow is what they call there wives, Mable. I guess its short for Frowsie. 

I got to start in forgettin my French now an begin on Dutch. I bet Italk pigen Inglish when I get home. I dont have much trouble withlanguiges tho. I can say quite a few things already like "Ya" and"Nine" an "Vas iss. " Thats all right if your Just out for a socialtime but it aint any good in commershul life. 

Its no use tellin you to rite I never get your letters. 

 yours disgustedly _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

We crossed the Rine day before yesterday. It was Friday the 13th butthe bridge held up in spite of it. The Rine didnt look like much tome. Im not much of a judge of rivers tho. Its been rainin for threedays an it would take an awful lot of water in one place to make muchimpreshun on me. 

We all thought we was goin to a town by the name of Coblence. The Messsargent had told us everybody was to have a room to himself an thatmost of the time when we wasnt at the movies wed be canoin up an downthe river. The armies got an idear tho that if you let a soldier getnear anything thats worth while hell take it to pieces an cart itaway. So they saved Coblence by goin around it. 

That night we stuck the horses and guns in the front yard of a Chatto. It looked more like Central Park to me. The fello that owned the placewas standin at the gate when we came in. He had on a green felt hatwith the edges curled up like a derby an a feather stuck in it. Iwouldnt have been surprised if hed started to yodel. I bet he was asglad to see us as the meesels. A regiment of field artilery walkinaround your front yard aint no grass cultivator. 

This isnt a bad place to lay over for a day tho. The town is builtround a big cliff. On top is the ruins of an old cassel. Some of thetown tried to clime up the side of the cliff an got stuck half way. Inthe house where Im bilited the front door is where it ought to be anthe back door opens onto the street from the third floor. I can hearyour mother sayin, "Run up in the attik, Mable, an see who that isknockin at the back door. "

Theres a little stream runnin thru the town. Its very beautiful anfull of tin cans. The sides are all bricked up. The Fritzes would makethe trees grow square if they could. The hills go straight up allaround us. I dont know how the stream ever got in here or how weregoin to get out. It certinly is a useful place for artilery. About theonly thing you could shoot out of here would be a skyrocket. 

They told us we was goin to have yesterday to ourselves. Then the lastminit they made us all take a bath. In the army they dont give youcredit for knowin how or when to take a bath. They have a corperalthere to show you. The one they had on the job yesterday must havelearned from a correspondence school. 

You dont get into a bath here. You take it out of something an spreadit over you. This time theyd heated a big kettle of water in a woodshed. You dipped out a pailful an put some of it over you an therest over your close. Just about the time youve got a good latherworked up the corperal says "Come on. Hurry up an get your close on. Your eight minits is up. " Ford ought to get hold of that fello. Hedhave them poppin out of the factory like corn out of a roaster. 

I didnt get a bath, but I didnt need one. Me an Angus both took onethe day after the armistice was signed. There aint nothin thatll keepa man fit like keepin clean as the poets say. 

Everyones sore at these Dutchmen. They havnt got as much spirit as abottle of near beer. All they do is take off there hats to us like wewas a bunch of ladies an say "Tag. " I thought first they was sayin"Dog. " I went to the Captin an ast him if I could clean up with thenext fello that said it. 

[Illustration: "THEY TAKE OFF THERE HATS TO US"]

The Captin said Tag was just Fritz for Howdy. Then I ast him if Icould clean up half a dozen of them anyway just to get them started onthe right lines. He says "Smith, if you try any of your back alleysanitashun around here youll be cleanin up around the gard house asquick as we get one. " He thinks hes awful funny. Thats the way itgoes, tho, Mable. One day your a quitter if you dont throw everythingbut the kitchin stove at a fello and the next day they want you tokiss him. 

Im sendin you a lot of post cards I paid eighty two fennigs for. Idont know wether that was a bargin or a fortune. I never seen anyplaces like these but they give you a good idear of the country. I gotto quit now cause there linin up for mess. If I ever get out of thisarmy I wont stand in line agen if they was handin out five dollarbills. If you want to go to the movies with me you got to go early anavoid the rush. 

Tell Archie Wainwright I wish him a merry Crismus cause its liable tobe his last. His only chance for a happy New Year is if the war breaksout agen. 

 Until it does yours _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Weve quit hikin at last. Not because we get anyplace tho. Why theystopped here when there is a road goin right thru is more than I canfigger. Theres about fifty houses in this place. I guess most of themwas built as soon as the flood was dried out enuff sos they could laythe foundashuns. I havnt seen a new house since I been in Germany. Aplace that wed be puttin bronze tablets on they think has just beenbuilt. 

They seem to be short on everything over here. From what I seen theylive mostly on potadoes. The only thing they get enuff of is mud. Ourguns is parked in a field an if we stay here much longer well have toblast to get them out. 

The Captin says the rules on letter ritin is off an we can say wherewe are. The only thing we cant do is criticize the army. I dont knowwhere we are an I couldnt spell it anyhow so theres not much to riteabout. 

We sleep in rooms now insted of barns. The Dutch dont seem to caremuch. I can hear your mother if four tramps came walkin into her frontparlor an went to sleep on the floor. The old fello that owns the roomthinks were crazy because we have to open our windos every night. Hetold Joe Bush there wasnt any use makin a fire for us cause when hespent the whole evenin gettin the room full of heat wed open the windoan let it all out. When we first got into that room I guess it had theoriginal heat his granfather put in it. 

Crismus is only a few days away. I suppose theyll let us sleep half anhour extra for a Crismus present an then forget to tell the buglerslike they did last year. About all it amounted to was standin aroundin the rain half an hour longer for mess. 

I havnt had my feet under a table now in four months. Theyve gotten sobig since I been wearin these army shoes that I dont know if theyll gounder any more. When I get home Ill probably pile my whole dinner in asoup plate an take it out in the back yard. 

All feelin aside, Mable, it certinly will be good to get my foodseperated agen. These fellos would pour your coffee over your dinnerif there was any room. When you come up to the kitchin the first K. P. Sticks a piece of meat in the bottom of your mess kit. Thats a sort ofa foundashun. Then a spoonful of loose potadoes hit it like a softnose bullet an thats the last you see of your meat. The next fellocovers that with a quart of gravy an sticks a pickle in the top withhis thum like inlaid work. The last one levels it off with a piece ofbread slammed on like a cover. Angus says its a wise man that knowshis own dinner unless hes got a good memory. 

[Illustration: "LEVELS IT OFF WITH A PIECE OF BREAD"]

Ive learned to put down an awful lot of food, tho, in less time thanit takes to chew it. You got to be fast if you want any seconds. Someof these fellos must store up there food like squirrels cause therefinished an back in the line before its moved ten places. Theresalways some smart alex that washes up his mess kit an pretends hesjust come up from the picket line. We got a mess sargent tho thatmakes Shylock Homes look like a night watchman. He could tellyesterdays greece from todays if you scoured your mess kit withsandpaper. 

The Fritzes are more balled up on there money than the French. Thesefellos dont even know what the stuffs worth themselves. They have twokinds of money, fennigs an marks. I dont know wether marks makefennigs or fennigs make marks. I know they both make me tired. Itsabout as easy to buy anything here as it is to check up a Chineselawndry bill. They tell you the price of a thing in fennigs an marks. Then you got to figger that into franks an figger what its all worthin United States. Just to give your mind a little exercise fennigs anmarks aint the same more than five minites. Everybody has there ownidear of what there worth an the fello thats doin the sellin never hasthe same idear that you have. 

The first time I bought a glass of beer in Germany it took me so longto pay for it I almost got arrested for bein out after taps. We neverdid decide the thing. The reason none of these fellos over here neverget spiffed is because they make you pay after every drink. Youd bemore likely to die of thirst. 

I havnt received no Crismus box yet. Im glad you an your mother did asI told you an didnt pay any atenshun to those slips I sent you forcuriosities. If thered been any chance of sendin you anything Id havedone it. You dont want to feel bad about that tho, cause this idear oflooking at Crismus like a horse swap is all wrong. I certinly hope youhave a merry Crismus. Youll probably get this letter sometime inAugust. 

 Yours optimistically _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Another Crismus an New Years has gone by. I wonder where theyll pickout for me to spend my next one. I wish I could get hold of a geografyan see what places are left. One of these days I may be able to get afurlo for Crismus if we happen to be fightin some country right nearhome. Then I can tell you how all the different nashuns spend thereholidays. 

I knew thered be some string on sleepin late Crismus mornin. The daybefore there was a couple of fellos late to revelry. They were felloswhod never done any work anyway so I couldnt see how it mattered much. The Captin said hed been plannin on lettin us sleep till seven o'clockCrismus but if we couldnt learn to make revelry wed have to keep onpractisin gettin up at six. It seems to me if a fello dont know how todo that now he never will. If I get up at six the first Crismus Ispend home itll be six in the evening you can bet. 

Crismus mornin they lined us all up an gave each fello a little boxmarked "Greetins from the Folks at Home. " Only they didnt say whosefolks. Inside there was some tobacco an cigarets an chockolate an thelike. Angus thinks theres something foney about it somewhere. He sayslike as not theyll take it out of our next pay roll or our A LotMeants. Angus would think you had some axe to grind if you pulledhim out of a burnin buildin. 

[Illustration: "THEY LINED US ALL UP"]

We didnt have nothin to do Crismus but take care of the horses an "theusual policin. " That left me with almost an hour in the middle of theday without anything to do. I was goin to rite you a letter but I feltkind of drowsy. Ever since I been in the army Ive said that my firstduty was to keep fit so I went to sleep insted. Patriotic. Thats meall over, Mable. 

The reasen I got a chance to rite this letter is because some horsestepped on my foot the other day an I cant walk. It wasnt anyaccident. That horse an me never got along. Hes been layin for me eversince I brushed his teeth with a curry brush. The more I see of horsesthe more I want to meet the fello that wrote Black Buty. He must havelearned about horses in a carpenter shop. Im goin to rite a book aboutthem when I get home that will put the S. P. C. A. Out of business. I gotto stop ritin now an answer sick call with my foot. Yesterday theygave me some pills. I suppose today theyll look at my tongue an tellme its my stummick thats out of order. 

Well, Mable, I havnt had so much as a pictur post card from you in twoweeks. I hope that fello Archie Wainwright aint botherin you agencause our hospittles is crowded enuff now. Im still a gentleman but ifI ever catch him moldin your hammick around his figger--well, Mable, Id talk it over with him cause I seen enuff blood shed already. 

 yours doubtfully till I hear _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

I got the first real news for you Ive had since I joined the army. Were comin home toot sweet. Theres an outfit on its way up here now torelieve us. It certinly will relieve me. Just a couple of weeks longeran then no more square heads, no more flannel bandages around my legs, no more engins without cowcatchers. It wont seem right at first. Iexpect Ill feel like I was A. W. O. L. An run around the corner everytime I see a policeman. Theres one man they neednt be afraid of everstartin any more wars an his names Smith. If I ever have a son an heso much as starts off with his left foot hes goin to have the worstlickin you ever heard of. 

A General inspected us today. I cant help feelin sorry for his wife. She must spend most of her time lookin for a new hired girl. If heever said anything nice to anybody I bet hed come back an apologize. Hes the kind of a fello that eats his own young. 

Everybody knew the General wasnt comin over to hang no wreaths aroundnobodies neck. So we all slicked up pretty well to humor him. 

Everything would have gone off as well as you could have expected ifit hadnt been for that horse. A jokes all right in its place but itsplace aint under a General. The horse was so big that the General liketo have bust gettin up. As soon as he got set the horse took a coupleof steps. Then he sat down in the mud like a dog an let out a groan. 

Of course it was all off then. By the time hed coaxed that horse up tothe battery he was so sore hed have found rust on the perly gates anput Saint Peter under arrest for not bein shaved. 

When he got around to my seckshun I thought he was about due to be outof breath. I had a little rip in my pants that I hadnt had time to sewup. Nothing anybodied notice. Just my knee stickin thru. That fellocould see a hole in your undershirt tho. When he came up to me helooked me over like I was a windo dummy that he didnt care much about. Then he says to the Captin "What do you mean by lettin a man standinspeckshun like that?"

The Captin looked at me surprised like hed never seen me before. Thenhe turns to the sargent an says "Sargent, I want a report on why wasthat man permitted to stand inspeckshun in that condishun. " They alltalk as if they were doin me a favor by lettin me stand inspeckshun. Ill tell the world I didnt go around an ask nobodies permishun. 

The sargent looked at my pants kind of hurt like I hadnt ast for anew pair thirty seven times. After the General had put the wholebattery under arrest an rode away to get some raw meat he sighed likea fello that everybodies agenst. Then he turns to the corperal an says"What the this an that do you mean by gettin me in Dutch, you bigspace filler?"

So the corperal stuck me on detail manacurin the streets for a coupleof days. About all there is left for me is to go around an kick a fewhorses in the stummick after dark. 

The funny part about it is that everybody knew there hadnt been nopants ishued since we got here. Half the fellos in the battery iscomin thru in places the General couldnt see because he was mounted. That dont make no difference. A fellos knees aint got no rights inthis mans army. I wish I was a Lady from Hell an I wouldnt have tobother about pants. Thats tecknickle, Mable. I dont guess youll getit. 

They call this passin the buck. In the army they got it fixed up sothat nothin aint ever nobodies fault. Its always on the next fellodown. That works out pretty good unless you happen to be on the bottomstep like me. I dont know why they call it passin the buck. I neversaw it pass him yet. 

Your Crismus box came yesterday. It sure was good of you to send itafter all I said. At least a good part of it came considerin one endof the box was gone. There was enuff left to give me an idear of whathad been in it. The only reason that any of it got here was becausetheyd set so many things on top of it that some of the stuff got kindof baled an stuck to the insides. 

The thing that struck us most was the size of the box. Whoever gotthat up must have thought that the folks at home was goin to send usjewelrey for Crismus. I didnt care cause I knew it wasnt your falt. Joe took it kind of hard tho cause he forgot to send any slips home anhe was kind of countin on me. 

I got six letters from you all at once a couple of days ago. You mustcarry them around in your pocket a week or two like I do when anybodygives me a bunch to mail. I didnt care about anything tho when I readthat Archie Wainwright had gone an married that little snub nosedthing across the street. I guess he must have been tipped off thatnobodied given him the freedom of the city. Some reason or other tho Ifeel madder at him than I did before. I guess theres got to be acasulty when I get home anyway. 

[Illustration: "THAT LITTLE SNUB NOSED THING ACROSS THE STREET"]

I aint goin to rite any more cause the sargent ast me to help him outthis afternoon cleanin the guns. I dont like to leave him to do it allalone when were so near the finish. Tell the good news to your fatheran mother. 

 Yours on the home stretch _Bill_

_Dere Mable:_

Here I am ritin you at the govermints expense for the last time. Werein the same place where we first rested almost a year ago. It hasntchanged much except theyve gotten in more mud an tents since then anthere aint so many boats to unpack. 

Weve turned in our Soizant Canses to some monument factory. Weve saidgood by to our horses for ever. The last thing one of them did was totry an kick me as I went past. Thats there idea of gratitude. Now wegot less to do than the doboys cause we havnt even got rifles toclean. This is the last letter youll ever get from me in France. If Ihave my say about it its the last letter youll ever get from meanywhere. I never want to get out of telefone range agen. Our boat isall ready. This will probably travel over on the same boat with me. Iwanted to rite you from the A. E. F. For the last time. An by the way, Mable, that dont mean Am Expectin Flowers but Am Extremely Fortunate. 

There aint much to say just like there aint much to do. I feel awfulfunny. I cant exactly explain it. Of course I want to go home. Thatsall Ive wanted to do since November. At the same time I feel kind ofsad like you do when your comin back to work from your summervacashun. We been in the old army so long, an weve done the samethings an cussed at them so many times, that you get sort of fond ofthe whole business just like you do any job that takes an awful longtime an a lot of hard work to finish, but that youve finished. I guessyou could get sentimental about piece work in a factory--after youdquit. 

I never thought when I sat here in the mud last May an rote you how Idescaped from the pearls of the sea, as the poets say, that Id ever sithere agen an rite you that I was comin home. I never menshuned this ofcourse for fear it would worry you. Now that its all over tho its allright to talk about it. It wasnt that I was scared cause I guess youknow that I was never scared of nothin. Nerveless. Thats me all over, Mable. But I used to think of how hard youd take it when you saw it inthe papers, an how people would come an look at your house an shakethere heads an walk away. Some of them would pull out a lacehankercheff out of there neck or sleeve or wherever you carry thosethings. Theyd touch up there eyes a bit an say "I knew him well, "wether they did or not. 

You know, Mable, that once or twice when I get lyin awake at nightthinkin about all that stuff I came pretty near cryin myself it struckme as so sad. The one I liked to think of best tho was the ministersayin a few butiful words about me Sunday. All the people was turninaround to look at you. You were cryin quiet like an your mother wastryin to keep the tears from spottin the red Moroko himnal. 

An here I am safe an sound without even a wound stripe. I feel thesame way that I did when I came across on the boat without gettingsunk. It aint fair to you somehow or other. I kind of cheated somehow, tho for the life of me I cant figer how. It makes me into a sort of athird class crook but Im glad to be one. 

Theres been an awful lot of talk in the papers an magazines about howwere comin home changed men. I dont believe your goin to have anytrouble recognizin me, Mable. Perhaps Ive gotten a little stouter. Thats about all. Even the Captin, whose been with me ever since westarted, was sayin to me the other day "Smith, I cant see anydifference in you since the first day you came into the army. "

I got thinkin the other night what a lot of good yarns I had to spinwhen I got home. I was plannin on how people would probably ask mearound to dinner sos I could amuse em with stories about the war. Ihappened to menshun it to Angus an he says yes an there was about twomilyun others plannin the same thing. He says the stuff about thefolks that stay at home sufferin the most was never truer than it isjust now. 

So Ive just sworn off talkin war when I get home. I aint never goin toget like that fello down in Henrys barber shop that just sits aroundall day tryin to get somebody to lissen to the Battle of Gethisburg. 

I may have speshul occashuns when I let loose. Like once in a whilewhen were sittin alone evenins in the little house with the greenblinds that aint built yet. Then Ill get out the helmet that belongedto the red headed Fritz an the looger pistel an the irun crosses. Illtell you how the big ones sounded when they went over the dug-out. Illshow you how Fritz says Kamarad. Ill tell you about bilets an mud anTop sargents an whiz bangs. Perhaps once a year, say Crismus orsomething, Ill tell about goin over the top. I got to get that out ofmy sistem once in a while. 

The rest of the time Im goin to be just plain Mr. Bill Smith, docteror brick layer or lawyer or street car conductor--anything in factthat hasnt got any horses connected with it. 

[Illustration: "IM GOING TO BE JUST PLAIN MR. BILL SMITH"]

So good by for a while. The next time you here from me itll be thescrapin of my hobnails on the front stoop. Then look out. Impulsive. Thats me all over, Mable. 

 _Bill_

THE END